{"id":15534,"date":"2003-09-04T08:07:32","date_gmt":"2003-09-04T12:07:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15534"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:44","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:44","slug":"avenging-debbie-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15534","title":{"rendered":"Avenging Debbie (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>Debbie has been disrespected by a rude video clerk and the Cartwrights avenge her.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,040 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Avenging Debbie
\n<\/u><\/strong>A REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong>
\n<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Author\u2019s note:
\n<\/u>This REALLY Lost Episode was inspired by the maltreatment of a loyal Bonanza fan, Debbie at a neighborhood Video Store. Among the misinformation given by the clerk was that one of those awful Bonanza sequels about the offspring of the real Cartwrights was made only this year rather than in the mid 1980s.<\/p>\n

The episode<\/u><\/p>\n

Imagine hundreds of people surrounding the video store and Debbie using a bullhorn to make her pronouncement. Imagine what Roy Coffee could have done if he had a bullhorn in\u00a0Virginia City?<\/p>\n

“OBNOXIOUS VIDEO GIRL!\u00a0STEP OUT SIDE RIGHT NOW!” Debbie challenged.<\/p>\n

Four men on horses rode up. The crowd went wild. They all simultaneously sing the Bonanza them and dance like horseback riding cowboys.<\/p>\n

Debbie climbed on Hoss’ shoulders and, once again using her bullhorn called, “OBNOXIOUS VIDEO GIRL! STEP OUT SIDE!”<\/p>\n

The crowd went wild. \u201cSTEP OUTSIDE STEP OUTSIDE STEP OUTSIDE!\u201d they chant.<\/p>\n

The door of the video store slowly opened and a pierced and belly shirted girl slithered out. She is amazed at the hooplah she has caused.\u00a0Never in her obnoxious misinformed life had anyone doubted her misinformation…. even when she confused Bing Crosby with Bill Cosby and\u00a0Rudy\u00a0Valley\u00a0and Rudolf Valentino.\u00a0No one doubted her when she told people that Katherine Hepburn was Audrey Hepburn’s daughter and that Bambi shot the hunter who killed her mother (and we all know Bambi is a boy deer).<\/p>\n

She was amazed that the fire torches many of the angry people were carrying flickered like the aromatherapy candles she had bought at Pier One.<\/p>\n

“VIDEO GIRL!\u00a0STEP FORWARD!!!” Debbie shouted. She had slid off Hoss’s shoulders and took a sip of the Starbuck’s mocha java latte that Cochise offered her. Angrily shouting at a fool was thirsty work.<\/p>\n

The Video Girl smirked and said, “Back to Bonanza was made last week!”
\nThe crowd gasped in unison.<\/p>\n

Joe Cartwright drew his pistol and aimed at the Video Girl’s pierced navel. Joe loved gals but there was a limit to his affections. Ben put his hand on his youngest son’s shoulder and ordered “Joseph, don’t shoot her…yet.”<\/p>\n

\u201cBesides, Short Shanks, that gal already has quite a few holes in her,\u201d Hoss explained.<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright stepped forward, “Pa let me try this,\u201d he said logically and methodically. Though Adam usually thought with his lips first, this girl was vile and totally contemptible. “Miss, did you ever hear of EXPLODED Marie?” Adam smiled cynically.<\/p>\n

“EXPLODED Marie?\u00a0Was she in Terminator II?” Video Girl countered.<\/p>\n

“Heh heh heh, “Ben whispered to Hoss and Little Joe. “Looks like Adam is reeling her in.”<\/p>\n

“Pa!” Hoss pointed to the next store in the strip mall next too the video store.\u00a0“KFC!”<\/p>\n

“Son, hold strong… the family name is at stake here!” Ben urged his son as Hoss drooled, much as he drooled when he first saw Lotta Crabtree.<\/p>\n

“No you dang fool! EXPLODED Marie was not REAL Marie!\u00a0MY MOTHER!”\u00a0Joe shouted. A tear trickled from his left eye as a bit of torch shmutz blew under his contact lens. His left hand fluttered over his holstered gun.<\/p>\n

“Stay calm Little Joe,” Ben said firmly. His hand squeezed Joe’s shoulder.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded and took a deep breath. “Pa, that gal is going to die from a bad case of slow…”<\/p>\n

“Or a bad case of ugly,” Hoss said as he gazed at her tattooed cellulite. Even he would look more appealing in a pair of silver spandex pants.<\/p>\n

“Miss, I have a garment here that I would LOVE for you to have!” Adam offered the Video Girl a Victoria’s Secret shopping bag.<\/p>\n

“What’s he doing, Pa?” Hoss asked. He blushed at the idea of his brother having gone into a gal’s undie store.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, Joe sighed longingly when he imagined the virtues of shopping in\u00a0Victoria’s Secret. Julia Bullette and Adah Menkin both loved the charming, silky, hand washable only, garments he had purchased at the Virginia City Victoria’s Secret…and Joe dated each of the sales girls in the store at least three times. Four of them died and three left town on the afternoon stage and two married his old friend and Joe served as best man at the nuptials dooming the husbands.<\/p>\n

The last clerk was waiting in the Ponderosa hayloft with a magnum of iced champagne for Joe’s return.<\/p>\n

“A gift?\u00a0POUR MOI!”\u00a0The Video Girl shrieked much like a fat Miss Piggy in the Muppet Movie.<\/p>\n

“Oh yes!” Adam smiled. He jiggled the shopping bag.<\/p>\n

The crowd went wild.<\/p>\n

Adam stepped forward to hand the despicable Video Girl the package. “Put this on,” he growled suggestively. “I want to see you in it,”<\/p>\n

Video Girl had never been given a gift by such a handsome, appealing darkly sexy man. The last thing a man gave her caused her to take penicillin for almost three months.<\/p>\n

“A lovely gift for a lovely lady,” Ben added with a smile.<\/p>\n

“Can I shoot her now, Pa?” Joe asked hopefully.<\/p>\n

“And then we can go to KFC?” Hoss added hungrily.<\/p>\n

“Stand down boys. Let Adam finish her off,” Ben said calmly. He didn’t take his dark eyes off his clever oldest son. Adam had come up with this foolproof plan and now he had to finish the disgusting Video Girl off.<\/p>\n

Debbie was a loyal fan, and deserved the Cartwright\u2019s ever-manly support.<\/p>\n

Video Girl grabbed the shopping bag and yanked the contents out.\u00a0“Ooo la la A BLUE DRESS!!!”<\/p>\n

“PUT IT ON PUT IT ON PUT IT ON!” the crowd cheered in unison.<\/p>\n

“PUT IT ON!” Debbie roared thru the bullhorn.<\/p>\n

Epilogue.<\/p>\n

As the four horsemen rode one after the other through the KFC drive through, Ben thought to himself “Let the law handle it? Heh heh heh…let blue dresses handle it!”<\/p>\n

“Yahoo!!” shouted Hoss as he ordered a 36-piece bucket and quintuple mashed potatoes with a gravy beverage.<\/p>\n

Adam smiled knowing that once again he had done the right thing to protect his family and Pa was proud of him.<\/p>\n

Joe just made a date with the gal at the drive thru and ordered Coochie some coffee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE END<\/p>\n

Sept. 2003<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 Debbie has been disrespected by a rude video clerk and the Cartwrights avenge her.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,040 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,41,687],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15534","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","category-modern-day","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id","wpcat-687-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":643,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14379,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14379","url_meta":{"origin":15534,"position":0},"title":"Watching ‘Ponderosa’ (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 1, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It couldn't beat the original, but sure was good for a REALLY Lost Episode. 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Rating: T \u00a0(1,140 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14370,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14370","url_meta":{"origin":15534,"position":3},"title":"Houston, We Have a Problem on the Ponderosa (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 1, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0There's a problem, and only Houston can help the Cartwrights. 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Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (1,440)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14375,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14375","url_meta":{"origin":15534,"position":5},"title":"Knowing Isn’t Everything (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 1, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The 'Brain Game' Bonanza style. 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