{"id":15536,"date":"2003-01-24T08:21:07","date_gmt":"2003-01-24T13:21:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15536"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:06:57","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:06:57","slug":"father-of-the-year-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15536","title":{"rendered":"Father of the Year (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>:\u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong>Little Joe writes to Oprah Winfrey about his Pa.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (3,750 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Father of the Year<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Episode Of Bonanza<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is the last copy of the only script of this Season 5 Episode called “Father of the Year”<\/p>\n

Adam closes the door as a group of visitors exit the Ponderosa Ranch House.<\/p>\n

He sighs as\u00a0 walks over to his 2 brothers. Hoss is attempting to straighten out the furniture and gather dirty cups and plates.<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 I can’t believe you did this Little Joe… all those folks in the house..Hop Sing was really furious about that feller from New Orleans in his kitchen yellin and carrying on…<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Joe, you really put your feet into it this time. Pa is going to to tan your hide….<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Now hold on Adam, Once Pa gets over his temper, I think he will be pleased as punch. Little Brother, might just have something here.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 I come in from Virginia City and find the house filled with strangers… and that woman making you cry. And who was that Doctor Phil person?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 It was the contest, Adam.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 You just said your letter won a contest. Tell us the rest of this.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Well, it all started out that afternoon a few months ago… remember when I was getting better from getting shot?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 The time when you were shot in the leg by the sheep herder?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 No, not that time.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 The time you were bushwacked by the Wingo gang and they stole Cochise?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 No, the other time<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 The time the dry cleaner shot you for bringing in that dang green jacket again and kissing his daughter?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Yeah that time…Well I was dozing on the settee watching daytime TV with HopSing…<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 You\u00a0 know there are alot of purty gals on those Soap Operas.(grinning and rolling his eyes) Like that MTV too.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Hoss, let him finish…Go on Little Brother… this better be good<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Well, that Oprah show had a contest for “Father of the Year” …<\/p>\n

Adam ” OPERA? Joe you were watching PBS? good for you<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 No, Adam. He said Oprah… Go on, Short Shanks. Love that Oprah… full figured gal… mmmm mmm.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 any way they had this contest where they said write about your father and you can win a whole bunch of stuff and …er …well…<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 (crossing his arms and leaning on the stone fire place ) And? What did you write?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Well Adam here it is:\u00a0 (Joe reads from a piece of Ponderosa stationary) Dear Oprah, I am writing to you about our Pa. He is the best Pa in the world. No matter what my brothers have done or what worries we gave him, my Pa has always been there for us.He has raised us all by himself since each of our mothers died. My brother Adam was a new born when his mother died in a tragic case of obstetrical malpractice. Pa juggled driving the team west with diapering him and never was able to use disposable diapers as Adam had such a delicate tush and could only wear black diapers.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 ( shifting uncomfortably) JOE ! No need to reveal Cartwright business.<\/p>\n

LJ (continuing) Hoss’s ma was killed in a bizarre case of road rage do to racial bigotry and my ma died from blunt impact trauma sustained in an equine mishap. Pa raised us all and has always had time to coach little league, hunt us up in the dessert, and he even climbed a mountain to save my sorry butt not once but twice.<\/p>\n

Despite serving as Vice President of the Virginia City<\/p>\n

Parents with out Partners,Pa put his own social life on the back burner and put his boys first. He may have kept us in line by threatening to “tan our hides ” but he never did… the the threat was enough to keep us boys in line. He also taught Sunday School and taught each of us how to dance, shoot and ride broncs.Most importantly he taught us to fight for the underdog and let the law handle things and value nature and respect women and value family over all. When my brother Adam, wanted to go to college, he found the money.<\/p>\n

He sits up with us when we are sick and has consoled me and my brothers each time our girl friends die or leave town….He has also donated 76 wagon loads of lumber to Habitat to humanity and supported the Miner’s widows and orphans fund and gives time to the Nature Conservency and the Wild Horse foundation sends him injured mustangs to save. So that is why our Pa, Ben Cartwright should be “Father of the Year” ….He is the best Pa in the world and if I ever have children and live in my own Little House on the Prairie I want to be just like him but not have white hair. Yours truly… Joseph Francis Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam are both crying hysterically. Hoss pulls his bandana from his pocket and blows his nose loudly.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Gee Joe, that was touching. What does he win?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 well, first he gets a Chevy Tahoe truck and a make over from Jose Ebert. And we go to a show with Rosie O’Donnell…<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Like that gal too.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Martha Stewart is gonna reorganize the pantry and Christopher Lowell is going to redecorate so we can put our feet on the furniture. We all get a Disney World Trip too!<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Disney World?! We get to see the Hooopty Doo Review? And see Mickey??<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Yeah, two weeks and the cruise too.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 And who was that guy who is in the kitchen …(loud shouts and crash of dishes followed by cursing in Chinese)<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Er… he is a chef and he is gonna cook Pa a surprise dinner… he is from New Orleans like my dead mother.
\n(more loud shouts from kitchen followed by loud shouts of “BAM ! take it up a notch Hop Sing !)<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 His name is Emeril…<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 When do we eat?<\/p>\n

THE NEXT MORNING:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Adam had pulled his father out to the barn for a private talk early the next morning. Ben starts to saddle Buck but Adam pulls him aside. Unfortunately it is too late.<\/p>\n

Ben:Now what are you dragging me out here for Adam?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 I needed to catch you before you rode out… it’s about the folks who will be here soon.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 What people? ( he hears the sound of a crowd in the yard.) Who are all those people out there? Who is that woman ordering everyone around? And that awful blue dress\u2026 Did that awful Gypsy wolf girl come back.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Pa just keep smiling.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 What are you talking about?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling no matter what. And just remember Little Joe did what he did out of great affection for you.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 Adam, What are you talking about?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 The contest… he wrote a letter.. Father of the year…Just keep smiling, Pa, the cameras are on us.<\/p>\n

Ben Glares at Adam and spins around as a camera crew enters the barn and Oprah Winfrey thrusts a microphone in Ben’s face. He smiles inanely totally not knowing why he is smiling but trusting that Adam is telling him the to do the correct thing.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 And here he is …Our Father of the year… Mr. Ben Cartwright!<\/p>\n

LOUD applause fills the barn and bright lights glare in Ben\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

Little Joe\u2019s voice fills the air reading his prize-winning letter.:\u00a0 Dear Oprah, I am writing to you about our Pa. He is the best Pa in the world. No matter what my brothers have done or what worries we gave him, my Pa has always been there for us.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 ( under his breath) damn right I was\u2026<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Smile Pa.<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:\u00a0 He has raised us all by himself since each of our mothers died. My brother Adam was a new born when his mother died in a tragic case of obstetrical malpractice. Pa juggled driving the team west with diapering him and never was able to use disposable diapers as Adam had such a delicate tush and could only wear black diapers.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling Pa\u2026. ( shifting uncomfortably and rubbing his rear end unconsciously)<\/p>\n

Ben ( thru clenched teeth) I am going to tan that boys hide when I get my hands on him.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 (Also Through clenched teeth) Pa, you get what is left after I finish with my little Brother,he told people about my tush\u2026 and don\u2019t tell me \u201cLet the Law handle it\u201d.<\/p>\n

LJ (continuing) Hoss’s ma was killed in a bizarre case of road rage do to racial bigotry and my ma died from blunt impact trauma sustained in an equine mishap. \u2026<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Oh my goodness racial bigotry !!! Did the lad write a book about this? I can use it as a book club feature.<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:Pa raised us all and has always had time to coach little league, hunt us up in the dessert, and he even climbed a mountain to save my sorry butt not once but twice. Despite serving as Vice President of the Virginia City Parents without Partners, Pa put his own social life on the back burner and put his boys first.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Is that what is known as the \u201cCartwright curse \u201cor back burner social life, Ben?\u2026 May I call you Ben?<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:\u00a0 He may have kept us in line by threatening to “tan our hides ” but he never did… the threat was enough to keep us boys in line.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 otherwise we would send you to anger management classes\u2026If a child learns violent behavior at home it carries out into the world and they wind up shooting gunslingers while they wear green corduroy jackets.<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:He also taught Sunday School and taught each of us how to dance, shoot and ride broncs.Most importantly he taught us to fight for the underdog and let the law handle things and value nature and respect women and value family over all.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Family values ! Fighting for the underdog ! Audience don\u2019t you just love this MAN!!!!<\/p>\n

APPLAUSE fills the barn and the horses start to kick the sides of the stalls.<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:\u00a0 When my brother Adam, wanted to go to college, he found the money. He sits up with us when we are sick and has consoled me and my brothers each time our girl friends die or leave town….<\/p>\n

Oprhah:\u00a0 A moment of true love and understanding!<\/p>\n

LJ voice over:He has also donated 76 wagon loads of lumber to Habitat to humanity and supported the Miner’s widows and orphans fund and gives time to the Nature Conservency and the Wild Horse foundation sends him injured mustangs to save.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 And the Harpo foundation has MATCHED that donation in Mr. Cartwright\u2019s honor.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling Pa.(sweat marks are appearing under his armpits)<\/p>\n

LJ voice over. \u00a0So that is why our Pa, Ben Cartwright should be “Father of the Year”.\u00a0 He is the best Pa in the world and if I ever have children and live in my own Little House on the Prairie I want to be just like him but not have white hair. Yours truly… Joseph Francis Cartwright<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling Pa. Don\u2019t say a word. I\u2019ll explain it to you later.<\/p>\n

Another full figured woman enters the barn and grabs Ben in an affectionate hug.<\/p>\n

Rosie ODonnell:\u00a0 Isn\u2019t he just a cutie patootie!!<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 keep smiling Pa\u2026<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 I am going to kill that boy.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Wait until you see what Emeril has for breakfast\u2026Keep smiling<\/p>\n

MEANWHILE:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hoss and Joe are watching the monitor off stage<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Look at that brother of ours. Do you think he is gonna slug that Candy Dortort for borrowing his shirt?<\/p>\n

Joe:\u00a0 Naaa, you know how many of those he has?<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Quite a few, Short Shanks, but you sure have lots of those green corduroy jackets.<\/p>\n

Joe:\u00a0 Hey, with all the times I get beat up, shot, stabbed, tossed off cliffs and beat over the head, those jackets take a beating.<\/p>\n

Ben:( walking up to the boys with a styrofoam cup of coffee and a bagel from the greene room) Boys look at these new kind of donuts made of bread. Do you think<\/p>\n

Hop Sing could get make some of these back home?<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Pa, do you think Adam is going to slug Candy Dortort for borrowing his shirt?<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 ( biting his bagel and smiling ) No son, he’ll let the law handle it. And anyway, if Adam didn’t shoot your cousin Zorro for stealing Laura Dayton why would he hit a man for taking his shirt?<\/p>\n

Joe:\u00a0 Because Laura was a\u00a0 blonde jackass\u00a0 and Adam was really glad that Zorro wound up with her?<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 and he loves his shirts and didn’t really love that ditzy Laura, Pa…<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 I love this bagel.Do you think we should open a bagel bakery in Virginia City…It could be very lucrative.<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Pa… don’t you think that Miss Oprah is the gal for me?<\/p>\n

Joe:\u00a0 But Pa… I’m the cute one and…<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 and after the commercial we have our next segment. Decorating the ranch<\/p>\n

AFTER THE COMMERCIAL<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Ya think I should take that gal up on that Spa trip, Adam?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 KEEP SMILING …They didn’t go to commercial yet<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Hoss even though I am the cute one, you sure deserve having a nice gal.\u00a0 That Bessie Sue is kinda…<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Kinda what Joe?<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Kinda …Adam what was that word you used about Bessie Sue?<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Muscular (Adam rubs the large bruise on his shoulder that Bessie Sue gave him when she poked her meaty finger into it during a conversation) and unyielding like a brahama bull.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 And Hoss, note that he said BULL….<\/p>\n

Oprah (Batting her eye lashes at Hoss): Our next segment addresses the decor in the Ponderosa Ranch House. Ben has done a grand job raising his sons but decoration of his mammoth home has not been …shall we say …addressed. Let’s go to the video we shot this week without Mr. Cartwright knowing.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 You were on the Ponderosa Oprah? (biting on his bagel)\u00a0 This is so delicious..<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Yes Ben, we disguised our crew as new ranch hands … Remember the folks you saved from the overturned stage coach?<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 (nodding) yes? Hoss lifted that sucker all by himself. (turning to Hoss) How is your hernia doing, son?<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 (blushing) Pa! Not in front of Miss Oprah !<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling keep smiling<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 The folks from the stage were me and my producer. (Turning to Hoss) and that is when I first me you, my big Hunk of burning LOVE. ( Hoss blushes redder)<\/p>\n

Let’s go to the video:\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Video plays showing Joe with feet up on the sette, Joe with feet up on low table in front of settee, Joe with feet up on the dining room table, Joe with feet up on mantle of fire place…Joe upside down with feet on chandelier…each shot accompanied by Ben Bellowing “JOSEPH GET YOUR FEET OFF OF THE FURNITURE”<\/p>\n

Video continues with Hop Sing showing his private quarters:<\/p>\n

Hop Sing:\u00a0 ( speaking unaccented English)And this is my room . I decorated with all the principles of Fung Shui. I have a small fountain and have arranged the furniture to create a meditation space of tranquility. Do you think it is easy cooking for 345 hands and the whims of the Cartwrights…And that Hoss, four and five breakfasts each day…The Laundry. Black shirts with dust, blood stains on green corduroy jackets, leather vests, those ridiculous Elvis brocade dress suits that they wear for dances… Long johns with sweat, And those ridiculous plaid night shirts that Hoss wears.. One shirt is an entire load… and the boots. I keep telling them…NO BOOTS in bed ! NO boots in bed…and wipe off your boots when you come in from the barn.<\/p>\n

Video Continues:\u00a0 And all the upstairs room that shift and change to different configurations.. Strange woman go upstairs never to be seen again. And the view outside the dining room shifting. Very unsettling.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 we brought in HGTVs Christopher Lowell for the first part of our redo.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 ( nervously) my precious Ponderosa?<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Not to worry, Christopher kept the manly man cabin lodge feeling but just “polished it up”<\/p>\n

Christopher Lowell:\u00a0 This was a wonderful experience… I love the Cowboy theme we worked on here…First the “Feet on furniture” problem.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 (glaring at Joe)<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Keep smiling Pa<\/p>\n

Christopher:\u00a0 I replaced the coffee table with a lovely pony hide ottoman.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Oh my god that looks like Cochise? Did you kill my horse and make an ottoman? (Joe starts to draw his gun)<\/p>\n

Christopher:\u00a0 Oh no Joe! I know how much you love that horse… That is Faux Suede\u00a0 and impervious to stains of barn schmutz, beer, blood and apple pie.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 Joe keep smiling …<\/p>\n

Christopher:\u00a0 And the lovely stone hearth… and log walls. I did some faux painting and stenciling to mask all the bullet holes. I merchandised all the “chatchkas” like the gun collections and regrouped the bronzed horse statue with up lights.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 I love that ! It looks so dramatic yet welcoming! We should have a big party with paper lanterns and punch and a shoot out of one of the guests…<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 ( gazing at Hoss) I would welcome your uplight any time in my ranch house.<\/p>\n

Thank your Christopher . Next storage solutions from Martha Stewart.<\/p>\n

Back stage at the Oprah show, the three brothers sit in their formalwear outfits ready to go onstage. Ben is strutting about in front of the camera wearing his midnight black Ralph Lauren tuxedo twirling and prancing while munching on a bagel from back stage.<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 You got to admit it , Pa is a fine figure of a man. Guess that is where I get to be the cutest one.<\/p>\n

Adam:\u00a0 (Raising his eyebrows) Pa says you look like your mother, I , on the other hand look most like him. Think he may lend me that tux next time I go to the opera?<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 Oprah? Hey older brother, she\u2019s my gal<\/p>\n

LJ:\u00a0 Cool down\u2026 Adam said \u201cOPERA\u201d not OPRAH<\/p>\n

Hoss:\u00a0 She thinks I am the cutest one. she calls me her big Hossie. (he blushes and looks at his size 23 boots)<\/p>\n

(From the stage)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Next guest is lifestyle expert\u2026Martha Stewart\u2026<\/p>\n

Stage manager:\u00a0 GO to Commercial!<\/p>\n

Oprah runs back stage and flings herself into Hoss\u2019s lap and gives him a big smoochie smooch.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 ooooo Hossie\u2026 I could not wait for the commercial to get back and ruffle up your tufty hair and give you a big hug and kiss.<\/p>\n

Hoss ( blushing ) Golly Miss Oprah !<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Are you wearing your six gun or are you just happy to see me, you big lug? (she plants a big smackeroonie kiss on Hoss)<\/p>\n

Hoss (blushing again) Both\u2026 You never know when some bad hombre or cattle rustler might be in the studio.<\/p>\n

Stage Manager:\u00a0 Back in 10. 9. 8\u2026..<\/p>\n

Oprah dashes back on stage leaving our Hoss breathless and wiping lipstick off his face with a huge bandana suitable for using as a bed spread on a king size bed.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 And now\u2026 Martha Stewart with her 10 tips for the Cartwrights on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart enters from back stage to loud applause and sits close to Ben in his tuxedo. She reaches up and brushes some bagel crumbs off his lapel and gazes deeply into the silver haired rancher\u2019s dark eyes.<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 First tip\u2026Candle wax from chandeliers can be removed with ice.<\/p>\n

Second, ( tape shows the boys leaning on the bar in the Silver dollar drinking beer) I made some yummy salsa and dip to go with the beer and ( tape shows brawl breaking out, fists fly and glass shatters) tiny shards of glass can be removed with damp paper towel and fresh cucmbers can remove swelling from black eyes.. (<\/p>\n

Tape shows shoot out in the main street of Virginia City. Joe gets shot in the shoulder and Ben carries his unconscious body to Doc Martins) blood stains should be pretreated on corduroy, denim and calico\u2026. and if you use your medical insurance be sure to keep good records for your income tax deductions. It is also appreciated by your primary health care provider to get a \u201cthank you \u201cgift of homemade muffins in a charming wicker basket.<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 And you do make delicious low fat blueberry muffins Martha\u2026I think I may just make a batch for my studmuffin Hossie ( she winks at the camera)<\/p>\n

Martha ( tape runs showing the Cartwrights tossing gun belts on sideboard near front door) Clutter in the entranceway sets the tone in a home. I made a compartmental storeage unit in the foyer of the Ponderosa for hats, gun belts, and other items the Cartwrights would just toss on the side board.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 but we need easy access to those things in case crazed Apaches or drunken psychos try to break in\u2026 or to protect our neighbors.<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 Ben\u2026let the law handle it<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 Didn\u2019t you guys ever hear of alarm systems?<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 I love this bagel<\/p>\n

Martha ( wiping crumbs off his lapel again but letting her well manicured hand linger on his broad shoulder) Mr. Cartwright\u2026 I heard you are looking for a strong, smart woman, to stand beside you \u2026 I love poetry like your first wife.<\/p>\n

Ben nods suddenly noticing her attentions but is torn between biting the bagel and eyeing Martha<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 I am blond like your second wife<\/p>\n

Ben looks at Martha with more interest and raises his eyebrows<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 ( brushing her hands over his Ralph Lauren Tuxedo) \u2026and I have many mysterious talents and can cook Cajun food like your third wife\u2026and may potentially go to jail…<\/p>\n

Oprah:\u00a0 In a blue dress?<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 ( his forehead is beaded with perspirations\u2026) Cajun food? What about Bagels?<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 Bagels, bialys, pumpernickel bread, long bagets\u2026home made gravlox, dill cream cheese\u2026 hey I grow the wheat and mill it into flour myself. I even built the ovens and can make the baking pans on my own black smith set up. And a potential blue dress departure?<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 (Raising an eyebrow) hmmmmm ( he bites into his second bagel) can you make them crusty on the outside and chewy on the inside?<\/p>\n

Martha:\u00a0 Just like you, Mr. Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Ben:\u00a0 Just call me Ben. ( he winks at Martha who bats her eyelashes at him)<\/p>\n

Joe (to Adam) And now you know why Pa likes ME the best.<\/p>\n

THE END
\nRevised Jan. 2003<\/strong><\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Little Joe writes to Oprah Winfrey about his Pa.<\/p>\n

Rating: T (3,750 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,4,687],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15536","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","category-modern-day","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-687-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":710,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12938,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12938","url_meta":{"origin":15536,"position":0},"title":"“Neked” Women (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 15, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Did Little Joe really see what he thought he saw?\u00a0 Adam can't believe the implications of Joe's revelation. 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Rating: \u00a0T \u00a0(1,480 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":12939,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12939","url_meta":{"origin":15536,"position":3},"title":"He was Brave that Day (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"February 2, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It all started with Hoss saving the life of a neighbor. 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