{"id":15541,"date":"2003-07-04T09:28:59","date_gmt":"2003-07-04T13:28:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15541"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:51","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:51","slug":"kilt-while-traveling-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15541","title":{"rendered":"Kilt While Traveling (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>What happens when a Scotsman arrives in Virginia City after months of traveling.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (2,460 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kilt While Traveling<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hearing of fortunes to be made in America and streets paved with gold and lots of not yet invented inventions to be invented, Jock McBee had come to America from Scotland. It took him months of traveling by boat and train and stage coach until he arrived in Virginia City.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Three hoochie mama slutty saloon girls, Floozy, Boozy, and Gonif, watched the kilt-wearing Scot climb down from the arriving stage coach. As usual, the three hoochie mamas were there checking out newcomers to the town and sorting out those who be good customers for the Silver Dollar or the Rusty Bucket, and customers for their own side menu of services to the men who needed those side businesses of selling cigars and whiskey and themselves, and which new comers would be easy marks for robberies.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Floozy sidled up to Jock Mc Bee, a kilt-wearing Scotsman, and said, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigar, stranger?”<\/p>\n

“Ten months!” he replied. \u201cNot since I left my home in Edinburgh, Scotland.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She reached under her petticoat and pulled out a pack of fresh cigars.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He took one, lit it, and said, “My, my Lassie! Is that good!”<\/p>\n

Then Boozy asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock licked his lips and answered, “Five months, Lassie! Not since my ship docked in New York City.” She reached under her petticoat, pulled out a silver flask, and gave it to him. He took a long swig and said, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”<\/p>\n

Then Gonif lifted up her ruffled petticoats, showing her lace bloomers and she said to the traveler, “How long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock replied, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got a pool table in there!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but the Rusty Bucket Saloon has a pool table and it is right down the street,\u201d she answered. She decided she would get this guy later.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock Mc Bee wondered down the street and into the Rusty Bucket in Virginia City. Adam, Hoss and Joe were drinking beer and\u00a0playing pool when they saw this strangely dressed fellow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Having studied at Back East U and experienced the cultural diversity of the big cities where you could get haggis, bagels, falafel, sushi and pizza (which were not available in Virginia City) any time day or night, and seeing all sorts of fashionistas including sophisticated metrosexual men who wore black and were well groomed and had well-coiffed hair, clean nails and a knowledge of poetry and not-yet-invented art films and watching not-yet-invented \u201cWhat Not to Wear\u201d on not-yet-invented cable TV, Adam Cartwright wasn\u2019t so put off by a kilts or spandex or sleek cashmere sweaters purchased at Bloomingdales or any other non-cowboy garb. The rest of the customers in the place were not as worldly or multicultural as Adam Cartwright. None of them watched \u201cWhat Not To Wear\u201d or even \u201cDon\u2019t Wear That!\u201d or \u201cOprah\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe pointed his pool cue toward the Scot\u2019s kilt. “That shore is a cute little dressy,” the handsome young cowboy said in a cowboyish challenge.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Scot, offended, responded, “Would you be lookin\u2019 at me kilt?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss replied, “Well, you shore will be kilt iff’n you keep wearin\u2019 that little dressy \u2018round here.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBoys, boys\u2026\u201d Adam stepped in. \u201cGive the Scotsman a chance. Get to know him. My name is Adam Cartwright and these lunkheads are my brothers Hoss and Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later that night, the Cartwrights became friends with Jock, the visiting Scot (of course!). They took turns buying round after round of drinks and playing pool and debating what really was in haggis. Finally, Adam said, \u201cIt\u2019s been nice meeting you, Jock. We have to head home. We have round-up tomorrow and have to get up early.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dWhy don\u2019t you come with us and stay at the Ponderosa?\u201d Joe offered. \u201cWe can use some hands for round-up if you need a job!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSure, Pa would sure like to meet a feller who has the courage to walk into Virginia City in a skirt!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dKilt!\u201d corrected Jock, downing a double whiskey. \u201cA KILT!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think? Come stay with us,\u201d Adam invited.<\/p>\n

\u201dNo, Laddie. I have to make the morning stage. I\u2019m heading for Frisco! Heard that is a fine city. My Mama Cass sang to me about it,\u201d Jock said. Then he sang:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAll across the nation<\/em><\/p>\n

Such a strange vibration <\/em><\/p>\n

People in motion <\/em><\/p>\n

There is a whole generation with a new explanation <\/em><\/p>\n

People in motion, people in motion.\u201d <\/em>1 <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then the Cartwright boys harmonized to the tune one of the Weary Willies or the Mamas and the Papas sang to them at some point\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf you’re going to San Francisco
\nBe sure to wear some flowers in your hair
\nIf you’re going to San Francisco
\nYou’re gonna meet some gentle people there<\/p>\n

For those who come to San Francisco
\nSummertime will be a love-in there
\nIn the streets of San Francisco
\nGentle people with flowers in their hair!\u201d <\/em>1<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a swell song!\u201d all the customers in the saloon applauded. Some lit matches and swayed and wept.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI lost my heart in San Francisco,\u201d sighed Hoss, thinking of his ill-fated engagement to the gambling widow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe too! I left my heart in San Francisco!\u201d shouted Tony Bennett from a small table in the back of the saloon. Tony, a cousin of Nick Bianci and Georgio Rossi, who made Vino De Ponderosa. Tony was traveling through Virginia City on his way to Vegas and a club date at the Sands Hotel with Charo.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can play it on the bagpipes too!\u201d Jock bragged. \u201cWant me to play some polka tunes so we can dance?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dLet\u2019s pass and say you did,\u201d Cosmo, the bartender urged, knowing that the sound of bag pipes could cause the customers to riot and glass to break in the saloon.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell then, let\u2019s call it a night,\u201d Adam said. \u201cJust remember, if you need a job, come out to the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights departed and Jock remained, hoping against hope that he and Tony Bennett could play a duet. After the visiting Scot drank a few rounds in the Rusty Bucket, he staggered out heading down the street to the International House Hotel where the Cartwrights told him he could rent a room at a good rate and get free not-yet-invented cable and Wi-Fi and a nifty continental breakfast featuring fresh waffles and croissants and air miles points on his not-yet-invented credit card. Unfortunately, Jock was so drunk he fell down, crawled under a wagon and passed out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The three saloon girls, Floozy, Boozy, and Gonif, were walking home for the night (they are neighbors at the saloon girl condos on the left-hand side of Virginia City) and found the Scotsman passed out partially under a Conestoga wagon. His upper body was under the wagon and they couldn’t see who he was; however, they would have to help him get home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The first saloon girl, Floozy looked under his kilt and said, “He\u2019s not one of the Cartwrights”.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The second, Boozy, looked under his kilt and said, “Why he’s not even from Virginia City!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHeck! He isn\u2019t even from Nevada Territory!\u201d said Gonif, who stole Jock\u2019s fur sporran. (The Sporran [Scottish Gaelic for ‘purse’] is a traditional part of Scottish Highland dress. It is a pouch that performs the same function as pockets on the kilt).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A crowd gathered and a few of the men carried the unconscious man down the street to the hotel and someone went to get Doc Martin. The doctor examined him and sat next to Jock\u2019s bed in the hotel until he regained consciousness more than a day later.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After checking out the Scotsman, Doc Martin told Jock Mc Bee, \u201cI have some bad news and some very bad news.<\/p>\n

Jock sighed. \u201cWell, might as well give me the bad news first.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI ran some tests on you while you were unconscious. I tested your blood and urine, the tartan of your kilt and all your other vital signs that we could test. They showed have 24 hours to live.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jock was shocked. \u201c24 HOURS! That\u2019s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news? I\u2019m far from my home in bonny Scotland and I\u2019m going to die!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dWell \u2026. I’ve been trying to tell you since yesterday but you\u2019ve been unconscious.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” Jock asks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“10…” said the doctor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” Jock asked desperately.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“10…9…8…7…”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t believe it! Run the tests again,\u201d the Scotsman pleaded before Doc hit zero.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOK!\u201d the doctor agreed. \u201cLet me examine you one more time.\u201d
\n“Doctor, Doctor, I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”<\/p>\n

“Do you drink a lot?”<\/p>\n

“Not really – I spill most of it!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Doc looked at Jock and said,\u201d Maybe you should consider drinking coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot tea?\u201d Jock asked.<\/p>\n

\u201dNo, Mr. McBee. You are out west, not in Scotland. If you want to fit in here, it is coffee, not tea.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot whiskey?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dCOFFEE! Doc yelled. Then he continued his examination. \u201cI think you caught a chill from wearing a kilt. And that isn\u2019t necessarily fatal.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m in terrible pain!\u201d whimpered Jock.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.<\/p>\n

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the Scotsman, He moaned and he groaned.<\/p>\n

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor. “Be a little more specific. Show me where you have pain.”<\/p>\n

Jock touched his right knee with his index finger, just under the hem of his kilt and yelled, “Ow that hurts.” Then he touched his left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then he touched his right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, he cried.<\/p>\n

\u201dYou scream like a little girl!\u201d said Doc Martin, who was used to manly cowboys who didn\u2019t wear kilts and had bullets dug out of them with less whimpering.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Doc Martin carefully and thoroughly checked Jock for an hour and made his diagnosis. “My initial terminal diagnosis was incorrect; you are not fatally ill. You have a broken finger and a cold in your kishkes from the cold wind blowing under your kilt.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all?!\u201d Jock was so relieved he jumped out of bed and started to play his bagpipes which had been dumped in the corner by the desk clerk when the stage driver brought Jock\u2019s luggage over.
\n\u201cYou need to rest here in the hotel for two weeks,\u201d said Doc Martin to Jock as he ran out the door to avoid ear damage from the sound of the bag pipes<\/p>\n

Two weeks later Jock shows up on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks,” Jock McBee explained.<\/p>\n

“And did he?” Ben Cartwright asked the Jock, the kilt-wearing stranger who his sons had brought out to stay on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

“Yes, but I was robbed and lost all of my money except for the $10 I had hidden in my bagpipe case and the $10 I had in my ghillie brogues. That\u2019s why your sons offered for me to come out here and work for some more money.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid you run out of money? Is that why the hotel tossed you out, Jock?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dNot quite, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Jock said as Hoss and Joe showed him into the bunk house. \u201cI had enough to pay for the hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo why did you leave so abruptly?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“At 4 o’clock every morning,” Jock told Ben, “they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Eventually, Jock got settled in the bunk house and the Cartwrights took the kilt wearing hand out on the range to see the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They rode out to see the herd and were standing looking at one of the Ponderosa prize cows in the south pasture. Ben pointed to a cow standing under a tree and said to Jock, “Look at that fine Ponderosa cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock disagreed, saying “No, tis a Scottish cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Scottish cow?\u201d Ben was indignant. \u201cThat cow was born right here on the Ponderosa! Its mother was a cow born on the Ponderosa and its father was a bull born on the Ponderosa! There is no way this is a Scottish cow.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock disagreed, saying, “No, Mr. Cartwright. Tis a Scottish cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was right here when that cow was bred!” added Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock disagreed, saying, “No, it’s a Scottish cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was here when it was born!\u201d argued Hoss. \u201cShe\u2019s a Ponderosa cow.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock disagreed, saying, “No, it’s a Scottish cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI branded that cow during round-up!\u201d said Little Joe. \u201cShe\u2019s a Ponderosa cow.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jock disagreed, saying “No, it’s a Scottish cow.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now Ben Cartwright is completely furious. \u201cA Scottish cow? That cow was born right here on the Ponderosa! Its mother was a cow born on the Ponderosa and its father was a bull born on the Ponderosa! There is no way this is a Scottish cow. We saw it bred and born and branded. It\u2019s not a Scottish cow!\u201d Ben was turning bright red with fury and looked like he was ready to explode at Jock.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa, calm down!\u201d Hoss put his arm around his father\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not a Ponderosa cow. I insist it’s a Scottish cow,” Jock said calmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam took a deep breath. \u201cJock, how can you say this? Explain how this animal is a Scottish cow. It is an AMERICAN cow! A Ponderosa cow!\u201d<\/p>\n

The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam had to restrain furious Little Joe who was about to punch Jock in the nose. (Don\u2019t they always!?)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow dare you insult Ponderosa cattle?\u201d Ben roared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Concerned about Ben\u2019s dismay, Jock figured music would soothe all the Cartwrights as well as the cattle, especially the Scottish cow. \u201cWould you like to play my bagpipes?” He pulled his bagpipes out of his valise and smiled? \u201cI play in a pipe band. We march and play.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do pipe bands march when they play?\u201d Hoss asked as Jock started to play. The unique sound echoed off the Sierras causing a landslide. Lake Tahoe had a tidal wave. The cattle stampeded at the sound.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben growled \u201cWhy does he march while he plays? Moving targets are harder to hit.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

All four Cartwrights drew their guns and fired. The rest is history.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that is how Jock got kilt traveling.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1 The lyrics are the property of the respective authors, artists and labels; the lyrics are provided for entertainment purposes only<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0What happens when a Scotsman arrives in Virginia City after months of traveling.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (2,460 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15541","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":619,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15509,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15509","url_meta":{"origin":15541,"position":0},"title":"A Moving Tale #1 (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 3, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0\u00a0There's no reason, but a story to send any woman's heart a-fluttering. 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Rating T (1,375 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":39407,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=39407","url_meta":{"origin":15541,"position":2},"title":"Party Hearty, a REALLY Lost Episode (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"August 7, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Another really lost episode. Rating: T Word Count:\u00a0 3,181 \u00a0 Ben Cartwright had gone out of town for a few days to a cattle auction and bushwhacking in Fercackter Corners, home of both the largest manure pit and multi butt out house in the territory. He was hoping to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/lost-episodes.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/lost-episodes.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/lost-episodes.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15521,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15521","url_meta":{"origin":15541,"position":3},"title":"And on the Seventh Day (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 10, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: It's all about the seventh day. 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