{"id":15542,"date":"2004-03-04T09:32:28","date_gmt":"2004-03-04T14:32:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15542"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:08:31","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:08:31","slug":"martha-stewart-on-bonanza-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15542","title":{"rendered":"Martha Stewart on Bonanza (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 A look at a visit by Martha Stewart.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 \u00a0(1,185 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Martha Stewart on Bonanza<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Blank Verse<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As inspired by a brief discussion with Ginny<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What can be WORSE than Martha Stewart hitched to a Cartwright? What could be better?<\/p>\n

Would she die if they married?
\nWould she make her own perfect funeral? Shiny hand made casket lined with satin, perfectly perfect flowers, appropriate music with a lovely lunch to follow.<\/p>\n

She can teach Adam how to play guitar, Joe how to break horses, and Hoss how to eat neat (or is it \u201cneatly\u2019).
\nAnd Hop Sing how to cook Asian Fusion Cowboy dishes.<\/p>\n

She can rearrange Ben\u2019s desk to make it more orderly and teach him how to use a computer\u2026. No more messy tally book.
\nAnd refinish the furniture and do craft projects too and garden. She could grow kiwis in the desert and filet fish from Lake Tahoe. Tahoe trout almandine ala Martha.
\nShe would get that burning map restored and have it face true north so Lake Tahoe is in the correct relationship to Virginia City and Carson City (which was named for Kit Carson, a little known fact but it is true).<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.
\nThat would be a great “Really Lost Episode\u201d.
\nREALLY Great!
\nA good thing.
\nThey could have her paroled to the Ponderosa to be rehabilitated by the fresh air and Ben’s spanking.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet the law handle it!\u201d Ben Cartwright always said.<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright.
\nShe can organize the closets and hang potpourri in the barn and shine up the boots and clean the water troughs until they shine and float tiny candles in it for ambiance.
\nAnd just imagine the Christmas decorations and 786 varieties of Christmas cookies for Christmas 1861!<\/p>\n

Ho ho ho.<\/p>\n

And all those charming ponderosa pine cone centerpieces!
\nShe can make booties for chub and Cochise and Buck!
\n(But Sport rebels).
\nAnd she can make mocha cappuccino for Cochise with just the right amount of foam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright could teach Adam to introduce a bit of color into his wardrobe and with the entire Cartwright family use a color wheel technique to get their most flattering colors.
\n\u201cBen! You look so elegant in aubergine! Hoss, add some blue to your earth tones and bring attention to your sparkling eyes. And Joe! Green is perfect but shirtless is even more perfect.
\nYes!<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright can teach Little Joe how to get stains out of his green corduroy without damaging the nap and keep his tootsies off the coffee table and style his hair just right so it suits both him and his Pa.
\nMartha can teach the anonymous and doomed ranch hands how to make rag rugs & quilts and doilies and cute cafe curtains for the bunkhouse\u2026 Wonderful window treatments for cowpokes to feel welcome after a hard day punching cattle.
\nCandy would not eat jarred peaches with a knife if Martha was there teaching him proper etiquette and we won\u2019t even mention Jamie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright
\nYes!! No mention of Jamie! That is a good thing.
\nMartha Stewart can show how to make spinach quiche over the campfire and fondue like REAL Marie (that was REAL Marie’s specialty)<\/p>\n

Love and quiches and fond moments over fondue\u2026WOWza\u2026no one could boil Ben’s fondue like Marie!
\nWas he fondled over the fondue?
\nGiggle giggle<\/p>\n

If Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright was added to Bonanza, who would Martha Stewart wind up with?
\nSassy Joe and corduroy?
\nNO!
\nChubby Hossie Wossie who loves her cooking??
\nMonochromatic Adam? How dark.<\/p>\n

Ben in that elegant silver brocade vest? Cattle Baron Ben who is fond of fondue?
\nMustachioed Will who saved Adam from Laura Dayton?
\nCousin Muley \u2026Martha likes music and doggies but that is a frightening image to conjure up.
\nNot MULEY NEVER Nooooooo\u2026 better Martha and Jethro Beaudine.
\nGROOOOoosssss.
\nHe needs her to introduce a bit of order and civility into his bumpkin life.<\/p>\n

Consider another mate for Martha?<\/p>\n

Not a Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Not even Clay Stafford who had wanderdust on his boots.<\/p>\n

She can marry Danny Kidd! Or Thunderman and charm him to being un-explosive. Anger management classes and expand his folk music horizons. Or one of those long lost traveling pals of Ben\u2019s? Borelli the clown? Haha. He was a swinger.<\/p>\n

What about a leprechaun? Oh so cheerful and green. That is not a good thing.<\/p>\n

I know who would wind up with Martha! A man who would impress her beyond belief!<\/p>\n

Sheriff Roy Coffee?<\/p>\n

Roy’s wardrobe would impress her not\u2026nor would his career in law enforcement be appealing for one with her past.
\nYUK\u2026plaid, checks and commingled pin stripes! A gent with clanking keys to the Virginia City jail who gets bopped on the noggin by an escaping prisoner at least once each season.<\/p>\n

How gauche.<\/p>\n

How rude!<\/p>\n

Why not post bail or go on house arrest?<\/p>\n

OH No. That is not a good thing.
\nThe one for Martha Stewart is Hop Sing!
\nNot a Cartwright!
\nNot Roy!<\/p>\n

Not Clem!<\/p>\n

Not one of the three Doc Martins! Doc Martin, Doc Martin, Doc Martin\u2026or Kaye or Bones McCoy in 3 different roles.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing! It\u2019s a good thing<\/p>\n

He keeps that huge ranch house sparkling. It\u2019s a good thing.<\/p>\n

You could eat off of his floors even though they had those charming red transfer ware plates for the dining room. Checkered napkins and a matching cloth. Where they from the Kmart Martha Stewart Collection?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a good thing!
\nHop Sing cooks and can feed the cowboys on a cattle drive from the chuck wagon or serve visiting royalty with crystal or silver or throw together a quickie wedding with punch and paper lanterns by the second commercial. It\u2019s a good thing.
\nHoppy is multicultural! World traveled. He has thousands of cousin\u2019s falling ill continually and constantly in San Francisco. Martha can hand craft get well cards for each and everyone from Number One Cousin to Number Nine Thousand Nine Hundred and fifty three.
\nHop Sing.
\nHe knows how to hand wash silk as well as get stains out of green corduroy and make stains on the settee disappear. And blue dresses of doomed girls.
\nPoor Hoppy.\u00a0Wishing her on him. He was a regular on the series longer than Pernell but never rode up as a star. ALAS. Now you want to shove him and Martha Stewart together?
\nI know I know!!!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a not a good thing for Hoppy.
\nWhat did he ever do to you?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Another choice for Martha Stewart Mary Sue Cartwright, heroic woman of perfection.<\/p>\n

A man in BLACK!?
\nAdam?
\nOH NO!<\/p>\n

Another Man in BLACK.<\/p>\n

Johnny Cash?<\/p>\n

No!
\nWill Smith?<\/p>\n

No!
\nPaladin!<\/p>\n

Have Gun Will Travel.<\/p>\n

Wire Paladin.<\/p>\n

Was his first name \u201cWire\u201d?<\/p>\n

Paladin and Martha Stewart.
\nYes!
\nShe could design him new calling cards and enjoy his courtly ways.
\nHe has all the good qualities of the Cartwrights in one guy.
\nYES!!<\/p>\n

Good manners,
\nBlack clothes,
\nMultilingual,
\nFast draw,
\nand a mustache like Will!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a good thing.<\/p>\n

Martha Stewart Mary Sue Paladin.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 A look at a visit by Martha Stewart. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 \u00a0(1,185 words) Author’s Note: \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.   Martha Stewart on Bonanza A REALLY Lost Blank Verse   As inspired by a…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15542","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":648,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":25726,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=25726","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":0},"title":"The Duet (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"December 27, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Adam cannot avoid singing a duet on Christmas Eve, and Hoss cannot avoid a damsel in distress. rating K words: 1158 Duets Series, links to all stories included within.","rel":"","context":"In "Family"","block_context":{"text":"Family","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1008"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":28456,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28456","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":1},"title":"Duets (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"April 15, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: This sequel to \"The Duet\" has Martha Louise singing with both Adam and Hoss one fine Easter. Rating: K+ word count: 2666 Duets Series, link to all stories are included within.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5909,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5909","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":2},"title":"Martha (by pkmoonshine)","author":"pkmoonshine","date":"July 3, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Joe\u2019s never met a gal quite like Martha. Question is, will he survive the experience. Rating K+ \u00a0WC 2800","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-8.jpg?fit=747%2C569&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-8.jpg?fit=747%2C569&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-8.jpg?fit=747%2C569&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-8.jpg?fit=747%2C569&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":3861,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3861","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":3},"title":"Raising Amelia (by Meg)","author":"Meg","date":"December 29, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Amelia's mother Catherine snooty over bearing sister Martha makes an unexpected visit to the Ponderosa determine to tear Amelia from her father and brothers apart. Amelia's P.O.V Ages: Amelia 12; Joe 18; Hoss 24; Adam 30 Amelia Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15536,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15536","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":4},"title":"Father of the Year (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 24, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Little Joe writes to Oprah Winfrey about his Pa. Rating: T (3,750 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15708,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15708","url_meta":{"origin":15542,"position":5},"title":"Unto Us a Son (by Inca \/ aka Tye)","author":"Inca \/ Tye","date":"December 25, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"This story was written for the 2017 Advent Calendar - Day 16 Summary:\u00a0 It's a season of miracles, when a lost son returns home. 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