Summary: \u00a0Yet again, Joe has suffered a potentially life-threatening maim. Can the Giggly Sisters pull him through?<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02600<\/p>\n
Maims and Mayhem<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s serious, Ben,\u201d Paul Martin announced, turning away from the bed where Joe lay. \u201cI don\u2019t know if he\u2019ll pull through this time.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ben reached forward and pushed back a stray lock of hair from Joe\u2019s forehead. On the edge of the set, the hairdresser gave an anguished sigh. Didn\u2019t he have any idea of how long it took to arrange those curls? The time and effort to achieve just the perfect degree of tousled perfection? Mind you, with the other three members of the Cartwright family, all he had to do was wash the rugs at 40 degrees on the gentle cycle and then give them a gentle shake. Ah, the wonders of modern synthetic fibers.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Giggly Sisters moaned softly. Much as they loved maimed Joe (and their Bonanza tapes were decidedly worn at certain part of My Brother\u2019s Keeper<\/em>, Second Chance<\/em>, The Gift<\/em>, The Friendship<\/em>, Bushwhacked<\/em> and The Deadly Ones<\/em>) this was a tad more serious. The blonde clutched Paw, their pet bear, and sobbed gently into his ruff. As if in sympathy at her distress, Joe\u2019s legs twitched piteously. This was always a sure sign that he was in deep distress and\/or incredible agony. Nevertheless, being a man of the old west (and a Cartwright to boot), only the smallest of moans escaped from his perfect lips. A few beads of sweat dotted his forehead, but this only added to his overall gorgeousness.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Ben demanded. Really, his tones were a little strident for a sickroom. \u201cJoe always recovers! He has amazing powers of recuperation!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWe all do!\u201d Adam interjected. \u201cRemember I had that bad fall in Triangle<\/em>? There I was, confined to a wheelchair one moment, right as rain the next! He\u2019ll be fine, Pa, don\u2019t worry!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Sometimes, Ben felt that Adam was just a trifle inconsiderate where his little brother\u2019s well-being was concerned. Adam had never satisfactorily explained just why he had felt compelled to shoot Joe. All that nonsense about thinking his brother was a wolf! And, by his own admission, he\u2019d stood by and watched Joe get beaten to a pulp in The Julia Bulette Story<\/em>, before casually slinging him over his shoulder. Sometimes Ben wondered if it wouldn\u2019t be best if Adam moved away from the Ponderosa for a while. That way, Joe might just conceivably live long enough to grow into his ears.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paul stood patiently as those thoughts ran through Ben\u2019s mind. When the furrowed brow unknitted itself, the doctor judged it safe to continue.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s running a high fever and that wound is badly infected.\u201d Paul looked at the bed, where his patient tossed restlessly. Always a consummate professional, Joe was careful to keep his legs slightly bent, so that his feet did not hang totally over the edge.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Automatically, Ben twitched the scabby pale-blue camberwick bedspread a little higher, covering as much of Joe as was possible. He didn\u2019t want to offend any maiden-lady viewers of a certain age, after all. Or dispirit teenage boys who would probably never attain the glory that was Joe. Although all that might prove irrelevant, if Joe was as dangerously ill as Paul Martin said<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The scary Indian picture glowered down on the pitiful scene, as Adam glowered at the Giggly Sisters, who were busily uncovering Joe, so that as much of his lean, golden body as possible was in shot. \u201cAnd no respectable young lady would be in a gentleman\u2019s bedchamber!\u201d he stated sanctimoniously.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThen why did you keep sloping off to spout Thoreau and leave that awful Reardon girl alone with Joe?\u201d demanded the redhead.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWere she the one with the mouth like a cat\u2019s bottom?\u201d Hoss asked innocently.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cA young lady? Alone with my son?\u201d Ben looked horrified and Adam turned to inspect the curtains in great detail. \u201cShe could have done anything to him!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paul decided it was time to intervene, before matters got too nasty. \u201cI\u2019d better stay the night, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n It was not that Ben Cartwright was mean. Or even parsimonious. But he had not become the richest man in Nevada without watching the pennies. \u201cI\u2019ll charge you the out-of-season rate, Paul!\u201d he said, in a friendly manner. The hapless doctor sighed. Trips out to the Ponderosa always seemed to leave him out of pocket and it was becoming increasingly difficult to make ends meet.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI hardly think he\u2019ll be sleeping,\u201d the redhead protested. You had to keep on the right side of the doctor when there wasn\u2019t another one within a hundred miles. There again, if the need arose, the redhead wasn\u2019t going to hesitate to put Paul Martin right. You didn\u2019t want the doctor getting a big head after all! \u201cHe\u2019ll be keeping a vigil here by Joe\u2019s bed with the rest of us. Won\u2019t you?\u201d she added pointedly and Paul nodded weakly. He was terrified of the redhead, having heard stories about her from other members of his profession.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDo you really think it\u2019s as serious as that?\u201d Adam protested. \u201cWe could just do as we usually do and take turns sitting by the bed, wiping his fevered brow.\u201d The thought of doing this made Adam yawn hugely. He always fell asleep when it was his turn to watch over Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a good thing I made lots of cloths when it was raining last week,\u201d Hop Sing said, popping into the room, bearing a huge pile of neatly hemmed cloths.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The redhead solemnly handed her sister one of the cloths, took one herself and they soaked them in the basin of cold water sitting there very conveniently. Together, with infinite tenderness, they began to wipe down Joe\u2019s body.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHold on!\u201d Ben protested. \u201cThis isn\u2019t the way it\u2019s done! That\u2019s my job!\u201d He flourished the fringed yellow duster that had somehow survived and made its way from the ghost town of Martinville in Twilight<\/em> Town<\/em> to Lone Pine in Bushwhacked<\/em>. Yellow wasn\u2019t the redhead\u2019s favorite color (along with green, but that\u2019s another story) but she had to admit that Joe wore the cloth with great aplomb. \u201cYou\u2019ve got to cover him up!\u201d he cried. \u201cIt\u2019ll help break his fever.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cFiddlesticks!\u201d cried the redhead, who\u2019d had similar discussions with her mythical husband on many occasions. \u201cYou need to strip him off, let the air get to him.\u201d She eyed Paul. \u201cIsn\u2019t that right?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now, truth be told, Paul wasn\u2019t too sure. He couldn\u2019t quite remember doing fevers in college. Was that the term he\u2019d been billiards champion? Or the term he\u2019d spent mastering satin stitch and Algerian eyes before winning the \u2018All-comers\u2019 class at the summer show? Or had he simply slept through that lecture? \u201cErr,\u201d he said. In theory, Ben paid his bills, although as a myriad of attentive viewers can testify, no money was actually ever seen to exchange hands. However, the redhead was fiercesome and kept subjecting Joe to increasingly inventive maims in her stories. In desperation, he looked to the blonde for succor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cMy husband\u2019s a doctor!\u201d she said cheerily, whipping the bed clothes down to hip-level, having a keen sense of propriety. She did wonder why the nice patchwork quilts were relegated to the bunkhouse, leaving poor, darling Joe with the rather threadbare bedspread. Or perhaps the ranch hands actually made the quilts, during those periods when the bunk house simply disappeared for several weeks on end? Well, it would give them something constructive to do.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paul was getting rather hot and bothered. Dealing with a dangerously ill patient was one thing, but add Ben, his elder two sons, the Giggly sisters and a bear into the mix \u2013 his temperature rose several degrees just thinking about it! How he wished the girls would mop him off with one of those handy damp cloths that abounded on the Ponderosa!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t forget about me!\u201d Hop Sing hissed. Goodness, the hours he put in, slaving over a hot stove, just to ensure there was enough calf\u2019s foot jelly on hand, just in case Joe indulged in yet another accident. Although Ben was finding it increasingly difficult to explain to would-be cattle buyers why so many of his beeves were slightly deficient in the foot area.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Patting Joe\u2019s shoulder lovingly, Ben moved over to Joe\u2019s desk, which had cunningly located itself next to the window. Sighing deeply, he took out the current volume of \u201cJoe\u2019s Big Book of Danger\u201d and began to annotate the details of this latest life-threatening injury. Thank heavens he\u2019d started to cross-reference all his youngest son\u2019s many and varied maims! Otherwise, he would simply have lost count of the number of times Joe had lain dangerously ill with pneumonia. Never pleura-pneumonia, interestingly enough. Automatically, Ben rapped the wooden surface of the desk with his knuckles. No sense in tempting fate after all! There were enough fanfic writers with vivid imaginations out there and they certainly did not need any encouragement.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAren\u2019t you all over-reacting just a little?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cAfter all, I managed to drag Cain half way across the desert in The Crucible<\/em>, after being abused and seriously debilitated. And I managed just fine!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI hope you\u2019re not suggesting we put a ridiculous headband on Joe?\u201d the blonde said firmly, giving him a look that struck fear into the hearts of onlookers at fifty paces.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat else was I supposed to do?\u201d Adam protested. \u201cIt was boiling hot and all my Toupee Toffee had melted! It was the only way I could keep my rug on!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n For some time, Hoss had been sitting quietly in a chair, watching as Joe suffered bravely, wincing as the occasional agonized gasp burst out.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve gotta do something, Doc!\u201d he pleaded. \u201cWhat about that marvelous medicine I rode all the way to Genoa for?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paul looked mortified. \u201cThat was another Doctor altogether!\u201d he hissed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cDoc Hickman,\u201d elucidated the redhead. \u201cGood medicine, dreadful bedside manner.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCalled away by one of those frightfully convenient childbirth emergencies!\u201d added the blonde. \u201cDoc Martin invented the Wonder Salve TM. You know \u2013 heals all known maims without a trace!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Paul flashed her an appreciative smile. His amazing salve that allowed Joe to return to his devastating good looks, no matter how many times he was cut over the left eyebrow. \u201cIt\u2019s nothing,\u201d he murmured modestly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhy not dissolve it in some water an\u2019 give it to Punkin?\u201d Hoss suggested. \u201cIffen it works on the outside, why it seems to me it might work on the inside too?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Everyone stood in stunned silence for a moment as they translated this into English. And then the room was a hive of activity. \u201cGood thinking, Batman,\u201d the redhead muttered, and the blonde shook her head. Her sister did tend to get her shows a little confused when she was seriously stressed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n In no time at all, a pot of the Wonder Salve TM was found in the depths of Paul\u2019s Gladstone bag and its contents decanted into a pan of boiling water. It smelt heavenly, unlike most medicinal brews and they all drew in deep, soothing breaths.\u00a0 \u201cYou could sell this as an inhalant, too,\u201d the blonde told him. \u201cYou could start the craze for homeopathic medicine all by yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Smiling broadly, Paul nodded. The only part of that statement that he\u2019d understood was the bit about a craze, and he understood that well enough. Why, look at the way his new footwear was selling. It was just a pity his supplier had spelt his name wrongly\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Once the Wonder Salve TM was dissolved, Paul took a cup and eyed it dubiously. The sisters could understand why. If it did happen to be poisonous, they didn\u2019t want to try it on Joe. \u201cHere, Adam,\u201d said the redhead, holding his nose firmly. \u201cYou try it.\u201d The blonde, in a movement so well coordinated that it might have been rehearsed, tipped the brew down Adam\u2019s throat.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Naturally, he coughed and choked and complained vigorously, but after a short time, Adam was still alive and well (\u201cbetter luck next time,\u201d the blonde consoled her sister) so they decided to chance it on Joe.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Cartwrights looked surprised as the redhead appropriated a syringe from Paul\u2019s bag and filled it with the new drug. However, they could quite see why she\u2019d done it as she gently squirted it, bit by bit, into Joe\u2019s mouth, so he didn\u2019t choke. It was clear she had done this more than once! Well, her oldest daughter did have a life threatening condition that required her to do all sorts of things she\u2019d rather not.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Slowly, but surely, Joe came around. Ever mindful of the fans, he knew what was expected of him and wasn\u2019t about to disappoint. If ever a situation called for a touching Joe\/Pa moment, this was it!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Opening his eyes slowly, Joe gazed up into his father\u2019s face. \u201cPa?\u201d he whispered gently and the sound engineer frantically twiddled the dials on his recording equipment. Clearing his throat slightly, Joe managed a slightly louder \u201cPa!\u201d this time enthused with a little trill of wonder and happiness.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cEverything\u2019s alright, Joseph!\u201d Ben soothed. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be just fine!\u201d And I\u2019ve got a long evening ahead of me, updating your Big Book of Danger. Never know when we\u2019ll have to use the salve again.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe tugged urgently at his father\u2019s sleeve. \u201cPa!\u201d he demanded urgently and his father bent down.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat Reardon girl? The one that was left alone with me when I was delirious?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhat about her, son?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe looked embarrassed. How could he possibly tell his father about his deepest, darkest fear? The one that returned to haunt him night after night? Better just forget about it, he told himself. The Cartwrights were good at that, after all. It wasn\u2019t every family that cheerfully strode out each morning over the very ground where their mother\/wife had been tragically squished.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI think Joe\u2019s a little concerned about who took care of his, err \u2018personal needs\u2019!\u201d Adam said, trying very hard to keep a straight face. His top lip disappeared completely as he watched the look of horror on Joe\u2019s face. The girls shot Adam a look that promised retribution sometime very soon, and Paw growled.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Patting Joe reassuringly on the shoulder, Ben said, \u201cNot to worry, son. It wasn\u2019t her. I looked after your personal needs.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWow,\u201d commented the redhead. They all looked at her. \u201cFor the first time on screen, someone mentions going to the loo on Bonanza.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Joe looked stunned. This just wiped out one memorable remark he\u2019d made about that very subject, a few years hence. Now what was he going to say instead?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n However, Joe needn\u2019t have worried, for continuity was on the job. For once. \u201cSorry, boys,\u201d the director called from off the set. \u201cWe seem to have missed that last bit and we don\u2019t have time for a re-take, so we\u2019ll just leave it there, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cYou can always rely on continuity,\u201d Joe commented. \u201cThey make everything right.\u201d He settled back on his pillows, secure in the knowledge that although his bedroom might move around, his bed would always be too short and the scary Indian would forever scowl down upon him. And although his little green jacket had been hopelessly mangled, Joe knew that next week it would be restored to its pristine state. Yes, continuity was a wonderful thing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n *****End*****<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: \u00a0Yet again, Joe has suffered a potentially life-threatening maim. Can the Giggly Sisters pull him through?<\/p>\n Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02600<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1556","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1556","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1556"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1556\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1556"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1556"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1556"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}