{"id":15581,"date":"2004-01-05T08:13:58","date_gmt":"2004-01-05T13:13:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15581"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:08:36","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:08:36","slug":"the-cartwright-figure-skating-challenge-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15581","title":{"rendered":"The Cartwright Figure Skating Challenge (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 In honor of Susan Grote, and her love of ice skating championships.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,050 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwright Figure Skating Challenge<\/strong>
\n A REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Story Begins<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

It was a frosty early winter afternoon and Joe and Hoss Cartwright headed out for Virginia City. \u201cYou boys make sure you come back at a decent hour! I\u2019m leaving on my trip first thing in the morning,\u201d Ben Cartwright ordered as they left.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the not-yet-invented Weather Channel says it\u2019s going to snow again tonight!\u201d said Adam, switching the station on the not-yet-invented TV to the Encore Western channel, which was showing the so called \u201cLost Episodes \u201c of Bonanza. Adam was curious to see what had gone on after he left the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

After a heavy night’s drinking, Joe and Hoss staggered to their horses and started the long, cold ride home from the Rusty Bucket Saloon. A few snowflakes had already begun to fall. The brothers intended to take a shortcut through the graveyard at the top of the windy hill between Virginia City and the Ponderosa. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to climb down from their horses and give the horses a rest before they did the rest of the ride home.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe fresh air will clear our heads, little brother,\u201d Hoss said, easing from Chubb.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood idea, Hoss!\u201d Joe said, sliding off Cochise.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis boy needs a cup of strong coffee!\u201d Cochise whinnied, shaking his Pinto horsy head.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss too! And to join Weight Watchers!\u201d agreed Chubb. \u201cOr at least join a gym and do Zumba.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe and Hoss decided to take a rest against a stone and watch the snowflakes fall while the winded horses finished gossiping. Joe wiped the stone off the stone he was leaning against and read the inscription.<\/p>\n

“Do y’know, Hoss, this fella here lived till he was 103!!” declared Joe, reading the stone.<\/p>\n

“And did he come from hereabouts then?” asked his brother.<\/p>\n

“No,” says Joe, reading the stone, “he was Miles, from San Francisco.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Snowbound Brothers Battle<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

The arguing on the Ponderosa had hit a fever pitch. Despite the drifting snow and freezing wind, the temperature inside was like an inferno from all the escalating battles.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright had been away from the Ponderosa for three weeks in St. Louis or San Francisco or San Diego some other town that started with an \u201cS\u201d that wasn\u2019t Syracuse or Saigon or Cincinnati — which Adam pointed out started with a \u201cc\u201d not an \u201cs\u201d but was the home of some fine gals who loved skating.<\/p>\n

Ben had written down their his itinerary before he left but somehow the sheet of paper it was written on had disappeared during one of his boys knock-down battles which they called \u201chorsing around\u201d, or when they decided to reenact the last quarter of the not-yet-invented 1925 Rose Bowl game between Knute Rockne\u2019s Notre Dame team featuring the four horsemen (using Buck as one of the horses without a man) and Pop Warner\u2019s Stanford team. Hop Sing was sure the piece of paper fluttered into the fire place when Adam shouted, \u201cWin one for the Gipper\u201d and crashed into Hoss, who knocked over Mr. Cartwright\u2019s desk. The papers scattered and one or two fluttered into the massive stone fireplace where they caught fire burned to ashes before they could be rescued.<\/p>\n

The only thing the boys remembered was that Pa wasn\u2019t going to be back for a few weeks and he was somewhere that started with an \u201cS\u201d. The three weeks had turned to six when the weather turned cold and snowy and the roads were washed out from a flash flood.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing suspected Mr. Cartwright\u2019s extended absence might have something to do with a bit of romance and Olive, the pretty widow of long lost friend sailing friend Popeye, whose funeral Mr. Cartwright had attended at the end of the summer. Popeye had overdosed on iron rich-spinach and rusted to death in a rain storm.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing wondered if perhaps Ben Cartwright was\u00a0 checking out condos in Boca Raton for a bit of not-yet-invented snow-birding, but who was he to suggest the boss might want something soft and warm to snuggle with, like one of those four widows who lived together in Miami. That Blanche Devereaux was one hot lady and Mr. Cartwright did like Southern blondes. She sure was more appealing than kissing Buck goodnight in the barn or putting up with his sons, who were clueless on getting married and moving out of the house. Now the boss had been gone for a month longer than originally anticipated, and none of the boys knew who had been designated as the \u201cman in charge\u201d while Pa was gone.<\/p>\n

The snow had fallen deeper and deeper each day. The three housebound Cartwright brothers were growling and hissing and spitting at each other like a den of bobcats or a sorority of mean anorexic high school cheerleaders. They daily came to blows or broke pieces of furniture or both.<\/p>\n

They were getting more rambunctious from boredom. The barn was cleaned, the stock attended to, and enough wood had been chopped to feed all the fires of hell for all eternity. Hop Sing had run out of distractions like taffy pulls, juggling pitchforks or playing not-yet-invented video games. They had all knit matching sweaters, hats, scarves and matching sox for everyone they knew, including the horses, Arnie the Ape and all the little orphans in the Virginia City Orphanage.<\/p>\n

Hoss was tiring of Ms Pac Man on the not-yet-invented Atari 5600 and writing obscene limericks, singing karaoke, rolling Joe\u2019s poofy hair in pin curls or giving Adam pedicures. He was really was annoyed with Joe\u2019s new manly challenge of \u201cLet\u2019s put duct tape on our chests and pull it off quick without screaming\u201d since he had the most body hair of the three brothers, much like his Viking uncle Gunnar. Even claiming he was going back to China wasn\u2019t getting Hop Sing any respite from the Cartwright boys arguing, wrestling, furniture smashing, competing and boasting and boasting.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything you can do I can do better ……I can do anything better than you!\u201d declared Adam angrily but musically. It had snowed for 23 days straight. Snow was up to the second floor and Lake Tahoe had frozen over solid and smooth.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you can\u2019t!\u201d sang Hoss and Joe in unison.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I can!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you can\u2019t!\u201d Joe shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he can!\u201d Hoss suddenly changed allegiances to side with Adam against Joe, confusing things even more.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you can\u2019t!\u201d Joe threw a chair at Hoss. Hoss ducked and the chair hit Adam in the ribs, bounced off and smashed into the arm of the settee.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I can, yes, I can!\u201d Joe said dancing on the coffee table.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything you can be, I can be greater ……Sooner or later I’m greater than you!\u201d the brothers screamed at each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge!\u201d Hoss bellowed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow!\u201d Adam, who invented the term \u201cNative American\u201d after the spring he went steady with White Buffalo woman.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can live on bread and cheese!\u201d Joe bragged, knowing that Hoss was lactose intolerant. Ben Cartwright didn\u2019t raise his sons to be intolerant but he made an exception in this case, especially since dairy products made Hoss gassy.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd only on that? Bread and cheese?\u201d Adam glared at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo can a rat!\u201d said Adam and Hoss together. \u201cPut that in your hat!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou keep up yelling like that and all you get is bread and water! No cheese for you!\u201d threatened Hop Sing. He ripped Hoss\u2019 hat from his head and stomped on it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can drink my liquor faster than a flicker!\u201d said Joe, grabbing the flask of brandy from the dining room sideboard and downing half. He fell to the floor in a semi-conscious, yet adorable stupor.<\/p>\n

\u201c I can do it quicker and get even sicker !\u201d countered Adam, grabbing the flask from Joe\u2019s limp hands and downing it in two swallows, turned chartreuse and vomited on Joe\u2019s boots.<\/p>\n

\u201cGROSS!\u201d bellowed Hoss. He grabbed the apples out of the bowl on the coffee table, juggled them for a few minutes and then bounced them off of Adam\u2019s head as he lay prone on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo get sick! Hop Sing no want puke on shiny hard wood floor or colorful oriental carpet or on stucco walls!\u201d Hop Sing shrieked. \u201cYou puke! You mop!\u201d Hop Sing bashed Hoss over the head with a drippy string mop.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing! \u201c Hoss fell to the floor next to Adam. He groaned as he rubbed the rising lump on his cranium.<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough!\u201d Hop Sing bellowed brandishing his largest carving knife like Luke Skywalker\u2019s light saber. \u201cYou figure way to play nice or I make you sing soprano! And you and you!\u201d Hoppy poked the belt buckle each Cartwright brother in turn with the tip of his knife.<\/p>\n

\u201cBrothers, I think Hop Sing means business!\u201d Joe declared to his two brothers sprawled beside him. Then he passed out, his head pillowed comfortably on unconscious Adam\u2019s chest, which was now hairless due to winning the numerous rounds of the pull of the duct tape game.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

The Confrontation<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

The next morning the three brothers woke up and straggled down to breakfast in the cold dining room. All three were nursing pounding headaches and Hop Sing was still angry at them.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlack coffee!\u201d Hop Sing growled as he slammed a steaming mug in front of Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlack coffee!\u201d Hop Sing growled slamming a cup in front of Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlack coffee!\u201d Hop Sing said for the third time, putting the last cup of coffee in front of Little Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that all we get?\u201d Hoss asked hungrily.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing glared at the three and spat out, \u201cYES!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Lucky Charms?\u201d Hoss pleaded. He loved Lucky Charms ever since he had met the leprechauns in \u201cHoss and the Leprechauns\u201d. It was their favorite breakfast. \u201cNo Swedish liggonberry jam from IKEA, my mama\u2019s favorite store?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBlack coffee!\u201d Hop Sing said firmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo potato latkes or bagels?\u201d Joe pleaded. \u201cNo babke from Lillian\u2019s bakery or lox?\u201d When Joe was a small boy, his brothers had told Joe that these were his mother\u2019s favorite New Orleans breakfasts and he believed them. The also told him if he swallowed his chewing gum, his innards would get glued together and that shiny pennies were worth more than dirty silver dollars.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo jelly or eggs or toast or bacon? No oatmeal, bran muffins or stewed prunes to keep us regular?\u201d Adam, asked hoping Hop Sing would bend a bit. \u201cNo mushroom omelets or quiches or little pink sausages or fluffy biscuits or honey? No Wheetina? Patina? Granola? Flapjacks? Cheerios! Waffles? Green eggs and ham or spam or jam or not-yet-invented Eggs McMuffins?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBLACK COFFEE!\u201d Hop Sing growled in a deep disembodied threatening voice that sounded much like Darth Vader telling Luke Skywalker that he was his father.<\/p>\n

Adam, Hoss and Joe shuddered and paled and silently drank their coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo lunch, no dinner! No brunch! No supper! No midnight snack or mints on your pillows when you go to bed! No nothing until you pick one brother to be boss. You be bad and crazy while father gone. You pick boss. You get food.\u201d<\/p>\n

The three brothers knew Hop Sing meant business. With their stomachs growling like a not-yet-invented rear-engine Chevy Corvair that with a hole in the muffler, the brothers knew they had to make a plan to pick one of them to be the boss until Pa returned from wherever he was.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

The Decision<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

As the snow fell in glittering white heaps, the brothers decided to have a figure skating completion. The winner would be the man in charge of the Ponderosa until Pa returned from his trip.<\/p>\n

Each brother would select a judge. Adam picked Sheriff Roy Coffee. \u201cI know Roy is an honest man and will judge our skating in a non-biased manner. Besides, Roy owes me a favor for when I backed him up when the Wagner Gang was headed for Virginia City and the mayor felt Roy was too old to be sheriff.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss selected his sweetheart Bessie Sue Hightower. \u201cBessie Sue knows all about ice skating. Besides, she thinks I am pretty swell.\u201d Hoss blushed.<\/p>\n

Little Joe was thoroughly stumped. He had so many choices of female admirers to be his selection of judge he wasn\u2019t sure who to select as his choice of judges. Finally he decided that he would select one hottie and then have the rest of his female admirers fill the stands so their cheers and applause. That surely would influence the other judges as well as warm him up at the end of the competition. Joe carefully listed all his favorite females in alphabetical order:<\/p>\n

1) Terminal Lea Ailing<\/p>\n

2) Julia Bullete<\/p>\n

3) Debbie Doomella<\/p>\n

4) Caroline Quiner Ingalls<\/p>\n

5) Fatal Lee<\/p>\n

6) Susan Grote<\/p>\n

7) Tirza the Gypsy<\/p>\n

8) Connie McKee<\/p>\n

9) Regina Inez Peterson<\/p>\n

10) Laura White<\/p>\n

11) Zelda Z. Zeeplemeyer<\/p>\n

Each day after practicing, he would take one or two of his lady friends for a private ride on the Ponderosa to relax and have them give him feedback on his skating or costume or his music selection, as some might say, \u201cto prime the pump\u201d.<\/p>\n

By the time Joe had made up his mind, Terminal Lea Ailing, had croaked from a fatal illness and Regina Inez Peterons (AKA RIP) was suffering from a terminal case of charley horse and chapped lips, having spent the previous 12 hours privately viewing the Ponderosa scenery with Joe.<\/p>\n

Joe moved down his list to Julia Bullette who admired his manly ASSets. He selected Julia as his judge and then sent the rest of his doomed gals invitations to fill the bleachers around the shore of frozen Lake Tahoe and the ice rink.<\/p>\n

Since the Cartwright brothers were extremely charitable and decided that the event was going to be a fundraiser for the school, the fourth judge was selected by the school board — Miss Abigail Jones. Adam was both perturbed and delighted, knowing how Miss Jones would favor him in the completion but would also try to woo him or at least pinch his tush.<\/p>\n

In the two weeks leading up to the ice skating completion, the brothers planned out their routines, designed costumes, selected music and practiced, practiced, practiced.<\/p>\n

The three brothers drew cards to see who goes first. Joe got the King of Hearts.
\n\u201cHeh heh heh!\u201d he chuckled. \u201cSee if you can beat that, Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam drew the joker and sighed morosely. He was good at sighing morosely. At least his chest hair that had been lost to the duct tape competition was beginning to grow back.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou go, Hoss,\u201d Adam said, handing the deck to his brother.<\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged and drew the Ace of Diamonds. \u201cGuess I go first.\u201d<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

The Competition<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

Out came Hoss Cartwright, the first competitor; he waved his huge white hat, grins and skated around to some banjo music in a slightly strange, awkward costume: scuffed brown hockey skates and his best plaid Herculon jacket and red flannel long johns, the same ones he used to dress as a bedraggled Santa for the blind, Heidi-like girl, Gabrielle, who later went on to get a PhD in not-yet-invented rocket science and teach at MIT and date Howard Wolowycz of Big Bang Fame.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, back on the ice, Hoss performed some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music, which was pretty jangly banjo music much like that played by the inbred Hillbilly boy in \u201cDeliverance\u201d. Hoss was a large man but he was extremely light on his feet and had been the undefeated double Dutch champ of the Virginia City school yards as a boy, as well as a master of Irish step dancing as tutored by the leprechauns. He finished his routine with a perfectly executed triple spin and the crowd went wild as he did a back flip, stood on his head and waved a small American flag in a show of patriotic fervor.<\/p>\n

The Judges’ scores read: Bessie Sue Hightower 6.0: Sheriff Roy Coffee 4.9:<\/p>\n

Abigail Jones 3.5: Julia Bullete 3.0<\/p>\n

\u201cSee that star! It\u2019s the North Star! I would like to pluck it out and have it as my own!” said Tirza pointing to Joe as he waited for his performance.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive it a rest, girly!\u201d grunted Tom \u201cThe Boss\u201d Slayden-Bunker, annoyed with the bizarre Gypsy girl. He handed his two daughters, Gloria and Karen, a few dollars. \u201cGo get me a hot dog and some beer from the concession stand.” The two young women ran down the bleachers towards the concession stand which had been set up by some Scottish immigrant hamburger chefs, the McDonalds. Gloria and Karen purchased burgers and beer for their daddy, and two cups of prune gelato and some chicken nuggets for themselves.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur next contestant! Joe Cartwright!\u201d announced Dick Button over the not-yet-invented PA.<\/p>\n

As Joe walked past her, Tirza the weird gypsy girl said \u201cYou are walking in your father\u2019s shoes!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo I\u2019m not! I\u2019m skating in my own skates!” responded Joe, hitching up his tight tights.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am old and withered I am dead!\u201d Tirza said rolling her eyes counterclockwise.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo away before I turn you into a toad!\u201d said Tirza.<\/p>\n

\u201cEeeeeeeeeeeeew!\u201d squealed Fatal Lee as she suddenly died from the thought of her darling Joe being replaced by a warty icky toad.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged, kissed each of his remaining female admirers and made his way towards the Lake.<\/p>\n

Joe gracefully stepped on the frozen surface of Lake Tahoe in a sparkling green outfit with green spangly stars affixed to his jacket that had been sewn by some of his female admirers. His coif was perfectly perfect. His tan tights were tighter than his tan pants ever were and showed off his ASSets and made the hearts of all his admirers go pitter-pat. The shiny silver blades of his skates were as sharp as his wit. He was skating to Johnny Cash singing the Theme from Bonanza, which Fatal Lee had found on not-yet-invented eBay and had purchased for Joe to play on his not-yet-invented CD player. The familiar music got the fans excited as every one of them watched the show on not-yet-invented TV each Sunday night. Then, he bowed and Joe raised his hands above his head and got the crowd clapping and cheering and screaming.<\/p>\n

His performance was exciting, but was not technically as good as Hoss\u2019. He slightly missed landing a triple Salchow and lost the center during a spin. But, artistically, it was a more satisfying performance. The crowd cheered and whistled. Joe spun and twirled on the ice. Then for the climax he looked up at the rising moon that illuminated the lake and let one perfect tear drop trickled down his cheek.<\/p>\n

The crowd went wild and most of the female fans threw flowers onto the ice or their panties or both.
\n\u201cOoh! My tushie is freezing!\u201d declared Debbie Dowel in the stands as she turned blue and died from frostbite. With her last breath, she said how she never regretted pulling off her panties, and for her remains to be launched off the shore of the North Atlantic where it can form into an iceberg and eventually sink the not-yet-invented Titanic and kill Leonardo Di Caprio. \u201cHe\u2019s no Joe Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

Doc Martin called for the scores. The Judges’ scores read: Bessie Sue Hightower 3.8; Sheriff Roy Coffee 5.5; Abigail Jones 5.9; Julia Bullete 6.0 with a bonus of 10 points for the tightness of Joe\u2019s tights. \u201cWe can all attest to the fact that he\u2019s no LITTLE Joe!\u201d Julia declared, ducking a knife thrown at her by John Millain.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll get you yet, Julia!\u201d Millain declared in an immense declaration of foreshadowing as he ran off into the snowy underbrush.<\/p>\n

Finally out came Abigail Jones\u2019 favorite competitor, Adam Cartwright. His heart was really not in this foolishness, especially seeing how Little Joe was so involved and had practiced to perfection. Only Adam knew that their father had telegrammed to say he was arriving on the morning stage from Sacramento so this entire competition was for naught.<\/p>\n

Adam was wearing a tatty old black outfit, not wanting to waste his new black outfit on such foolishness. His borrowed skates were tied over his boots. He reached the ice, tripping over the numerous floral bouquets and pairs of panties Joe\u2019s female admirers had tossed on the ice straight away. Adam sprawled face first on the ice and banged his nose which started bleeding. He tried to get up, staggered a few paces then slipped again, breaking his arm. Despite his injuries, Adam soldiered on. He was unwilling to let either of his brothers beat him and win the bet. He also was a stoic competitor. He did his entire ‘routine’, getting up then falling\u00a0\u00a0 over again. Finally he crawled off the ice, a tattered and bleeding mess.<\/p>\n

Doc Martin ran to his side and immediately began to administer to Adam.<\/p>\n

The Judges’ scores read: Bessie Sue Hightower 0.0; Sheriff Roy Coffee 0.0;<\/p>\n

Doc Martin 0.0; Julia Bullette 0.0; Abigail Jones 6.0.<\/p>\n

The other three judges turned to the Abigail Jones judge and demanded in unison, “How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!”<\/p>\n

To which the Abigail Jones judge replied “You’ve got to remember — it\u2019s darn slippery out there.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

The Dramatic Conclusion! The Winner is declared<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

The musicians struck up the fanfare and Beyonc\u00e9 sang the \u201cStar Spangled Banner.\u201d
\nDick Button came up to the not-yet-invented microphone and said \u201cThe judges have tallied their results and our winner is\u2026\u2026. JOE CARTWRIGHT!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe leapt to the ice and skated a slow victory lap, and then spun around faster and faster blowing kisses to all his admirers.<\/p>\n

The crowd went wild and more flowers and panties were tossed onto the ice in joyful and lustful celebration.<\/p>\n

Being good sports, Adam and Hoss cheered and applauded too.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can be a fish if I want! \u201c Tirza declared, running from the bleachers. She stamped her sharp-heeled gypsy boots and cracked the ice and fell into Lake Tahoe; \u00a0as she sank below the frozen surface of Lake Tahoe, she went \u201dGlub blub Gllllubbbbb!\u201d<\/p>\n

Susan Grote cheered and said, \u201cWhat a great birthday!\u201d Being a good citizen, she helped Roy Coffee fish Tirza out of the water. \u201cWhat a great birthday!\u201d<\/p>\n

You think?\u201d Hoss asked Bessie Sue, who shrugged and handed a towel to Susan Grote. \u201cHappy Birthday, Susan.\u201d<\/p>\n

Susan smiled knowingly. \u201cAhhhh, competitive skating and the Cartwrights! What more can a girl want at her birthday?\u201d She wondered if she was going to keep the towel or it was only a loan.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me keep you warm, darlin\u2019,\u201d Joe suggested wrapping his arms around Susan. \u201cCake?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOoo la la!”sighed Susan.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s have cake!\u201d said Adam, Hoss and Joe in unison.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want cake? First you want Hop Sing to dye long Johns tan and shrink tight! Next sew green spangles on corduroy jacket! Now you want cake! I go back to China!\u201d Hop Sing roared.<\/p>\n

\u201cCake!\u201d ordered Hoss, who had come in second in the skating contest. His stomach was growling. He hadn\u2019t had much to eat since Hop Sing went on strike<\/p>\n

\u201cCake!\u201d added Adam firmly. He glared at Hop Sing and his hand hovered over his holstered pistol. He had come in third and had the bronze medal to prove it.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t wait until Mr. Cartwright comes back from Club Med Vacation!\u201d Hop Sing muttered as he scurried back to the concession stand. He quickly returned with a crinkly cellophane wrapped package of not-yet-invented Hostess Twinkies and a not-yet-invented twirly glow stick. He ripped the Twinkies out of the cellophane and put the two Twinkies end to end on the business end of the snow shovel that was lying next to the judges’ stand. Hoppy shoved the glow stick into the phallic shaped pastry and declared. \u201cCake! You like Miss Susan? Happy Birthday! \u201c<\/p>\n

Susan smiled modestly and said \u201cThank you, Hop Sing!\u201d Susan never breathed a word how much the shape of the Twinkies reminded her of Joe\u2026but she was a lady and ladies never told.<\/p>\n

*****END*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

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Summary:\u00a0 In honor of Susan Grote, and her love of ice skating championships.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,050 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15581","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":485,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15521,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15521","url_meta":{"origin":15581,"position":0},"title":"And on the Seventh Day (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 10, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: It's all about the seventh day. 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Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,200 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15508,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15508","url_meta":{"origin":15581,"position":3},"title":"A Bittersweet Memory of Two Pink Snowballs (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"December 3, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It's more than Hostess' \"Greatest Comeback in the History of Forever\" Rating:\u00a0 M\u00a0 (2,870 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15592,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15592","url_meta":{"origin":15581,"position":4},"title":"The Magician and the Pirate (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"August 5, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Strangers arrive in Virginia City who turn out to be, who else, old-time friends of Ben. Rating: T (2,980 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14366,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14366","url_meta":{"origin":15581,"position":5},"title":"The Reward (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"January 1, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Life on the Ponderosa after Adam returns home from college. 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