{"id":15585,"date":"2004-08-05T10:38:53","date_gmt":"2004-08-05T14:38:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15585"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:09:30","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:09:30","slug":"the-green-jell-o-mold","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15585","title":{"rendered":"The Green Jell-O Mold (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 The Worst Fan Fic Ever Written\u2026.so far\u2026 and it includes recipes too!<\/em><\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (12,140 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Green Jell-O Mold
\n<\/strong>A REALLY Lost Episode<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thanks to Ginny, Lillian, Phyl and Fluffy for their constant support and inspiration. <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 1 <\/u><\/p>\n

TURMOIL ON THE PONDEROSA<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSay THAT again and I\u2018ll womp you!\u201d Joe hollered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2018ll say THAT again and you know it is TRUE!\u201d Adam spat back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe wiped his eye and glared at Adam and swung his adorable fist.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam ducked and swung and hit Joe, knocking the curl right out of his hair. The curl spun back and Joe leaped at Adam\u2018s neck. \u201cIf I had a gun, I would have shot you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you shot at me I would have ducked!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I would have shot you again!\u201d Joe countered.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I would have ducked again!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa would have been mighty pissed!\u201d Adam roared as Joe throttled him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you would be mighty dead!\u201d Joe shouted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLeave him be, Joe! Get out! Leave him alone!\u201d Hoss declared trying to wrench Joe\u2019s spoiled brat hands from Adam\u2019s handsome virile, responsible but throttled throat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s face turned puce and cerise, quite vividly suitable for color TV on NBC. Joe squeezed tighter\u2026 Tighter\u2026. Tighter! Joe\u2018s hands squooezed Adam\u2019s gorgle tighter than his own tight pants squeezed Joe\u2019s remarkably adorable ASSets.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGrrr!\u201d Joe growled hot-headedly. Adam shoved him on the coffee table. They rolled off the table, and on to the floor. And then the two brothers, rolled out of the door. They rolled in the garden, and under a bush, and then the two brothers rolled over some mush. (Mush?)<\/p>\n

\u201cHpcgghhhhhh!\u201d Adam gasped and sputtered spit like a kitty with a furball in her feline gorgle. \u201cGggccchheee! AKkkkccch!\u201d Adam slid his long fingered, guitar playing hands between Joe\u2019s throat strangling hands and leveraged that classy move into a remarkably elegant judo flip.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The brawling brothers rolled around like a Kansas tornado that swept Dorothy to Oz smashing and crashing in the living room, up the stairs and down again. The tumbled like tumble weed\u2026but more manly. Soon Joe and Adam were rolling into the dining room, through the kitchen and out the back door. The continued to fight and roll scattering the geese and ducks and chicks. Three chickens were squashed into flat latke-like chicken Mc Nuggets and the brothers fought on knocking over the rustic, yet charming porch furniture and the colorful artificial geraniums that Hop Sing so lovingly tended season after season after season. The combatants even knocked over the green Jell-o that was supposed to be dessert on the Ponderosa that Hop Sing had left cooling on the window sill.<\/p>\n

SPLAT!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the way, dear readers\u2026 Here is the recipe:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing\u2019s Green Jell-O Mold<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

8 or 12 marshmallows or 1 \u00bd c. miniature marshmallows (or for a special pungent toxicity, substitute moth balls)
\n1 lime Jell-O dissolved in 1 cup hot water
\n12 oz. cottage cheese
\n15 oz. can crushed pineapple<\/p>\n

Ground mint candies or gelusil<\/p>\n

Tofu cubes<\/p>\n

Bean Sprouts<\/p>\n

Chopped green pepper<\/p>\n

Soy sauce<\/p>\n

Kool Whip<\/p>\n

A quart of medicinal brandy.<\/p>\n

Combine ingredients (excluding brandy) and chill. . Pour into pine tree or horseshoe shaped Jell-O mold. You can also use one of Hoss\u2019 boots.<\/p>\n

Drink brandy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYooo bad boys! You spill pan and ruin green Jell-O! I go back to China!\u201d declared Hop Sing declaratively. He said that at least 17 times a month.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwright brothers rolled through the front door that wasn\u2019t even open knocking a hole in the sturdy oak planks that later had to be nailed together with nails. Once inside, the two battling brothers knocked over the chair, the apple bowl, the kindling box, all the stacked up back issues of the Territorial Enterprise, Reader\u2019s Digest and Highlights for Children (Hoss especially loved \u201cGoofus and Gallant\u201d) and then the brawling Cartwright brothers crashed into the Grandfather clock.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CLANG.<\/p>\n

BONG BING
\nKERPLOP!<\/p>\n

Adam shook his slender, bratty brother off his back like a wild mustang shaking off a worrisome rider.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THUD Ker plop.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The boy fell off and crashed into the settee that Dead Marie had bought years earlier before she died and went to heaven to sit on a soft, fluffy cloud rather than a cramped settee. Joe ricocheted off of his dead Mama\u2019s settee like a hyperactive but adorable ping pong ball and rolled into the plant stand. Hop Sing\u2019s prized Boston fern crashed and soy sauce plant crashed to the polished pine ponderosa dining room floor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy soy sauce plant!!! I go back to China!\u201d said Hop Sing, who had his bags packed in a minute. Despite the Cartwrights treating him like one of the family, sometimes even better, Hop Sing was quite peeved as he had just lemon oiled the chairs and waxed the shiny dining room table. Every time he did that, he thought of dead Marie Cartwright and wept. Marie loved to water plants and enjoyed tofu with soy sauce as well as her precious husband and children. And she kept her elbows young and soft by soaking them in lemon oil once each week from the Virginia City Avon Lady. That was her secret to loveliness that she learned while living with nuns in New Orleans before she met Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s emerald green eyes crossed, pulsated and rolled back in his remarkably handsome face as he passed out in a limp heap of mushy, yet adorable cowboy. A single tear streaked his bloody face and lumpy head.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam felt real bad that he had to knock the hot- tempered boy unconscious but he had no other choice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Really, he didn\u2018t! Did he?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201dWhat can I do! He was irrationally throttling my throat?\u201d declared Adam declaratively. He rubbed the finger prints on his Adam\u2019s apple.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop, stop!\u201d wept Ben, who had just walked into the house. Seeing his boys battling and throttling each other broke his massive cattle baron heart. Not only was his heart massive but so were all of his internal organs. Ben Cartwright was quite a guy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A torrent of hot tears sluiced down his manly cheeks in a waterfall of grief and fatherly despair. \u201cYou are brothers and you can not fight inside the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan we fight outside the house, Pa?\u201d Joe, who had regained consciousness at the sound of his father\u2019s voice, and Adam, who had never lost consciousness, asked hopefully. Nothing made hot- blooded Joe happier than a good brawl unless it was the hot lips of a hot babe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And Adam agreed both with the fighting and the hot lips stuff.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNO! Not inside the house and not outside the house, in the yard, or the barn or the corral or on the croquet court or in the garage or near Hop Sing\u2018s soy sauce plant! Nowhere on the Ponderosa. No fighting!\u201d Ben wagged his finger in the faces of his two handsome sons. \u201cNo! NO! No!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo? NO? No?\u201d Adam and Joe asked in unison.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d insisted Hoss who could be very insistent when he had to be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNO! NO!\u201c Ben roared in a voice that could scare the hair off a hairy beastly grizzly bear. \u201cNot in this house that I built with love for all of you, my sons, from logs I chopped down with an ax on the land that I got for each of you to build together into the ranch we call the Ponderosa. You will smack down on all the furniture dead Marie selected before she died her untimely death as well as you can hurt each other! Kiss and hug each other like I taught you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop, Stop!\u201d shouted Jessica Lapin, who had been dating Joe and Adam alternately for the last two weeks, which was a long time in Cartwright relationships. Why, by the time Ben knew Inger two weeks, they were engaged for a week and a half. Ben was a quick worker.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jessica was wearing a low-cut dress that showed off her buxom boozems, both of them. She screamed, \u201cDon\u2019t you hit each other over me even though I am using you both to win the civil war and deceive you! I am a hoochie mama!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben turned pale at the thought of his beloved boys getting their personal private parts entangled with the personal private parts of a seductive hoochie mama. He felt like Joseph Kennedy must have felt when he realized that his boys Jack and Bobby were both \u201cinvolved\u201d with Marilyn Monroe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBrother against brother! Yankee Granite head against New Orleans boy!\u201d wailed Hoss, who had been born on the great wide and fertile plains yet witnessed at a very young age the deadly arrow that pierced the imported bosom of his mother Inger from Sweden. That was the bosom he loved as well as his father, who loved those bosoms almost as much as he loved the bosoms of his other wives.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was truly and really a three-way tie as to who had the most appealing bosoms of all of Ben Cartwright\u2019s dead wives. Too bad they hadn\u2019t yet invented a scoring system and instant video replays.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Ben married Liz, Adam\u2019s dead mom who wasn\u2018t dead when they married, he had no comparisons as Ben was a **Virgin** at that point in his manly life, despite being at sea for years, and had never seen a bare bosom except for the wooden figure head on the front of Captain Abel Stoddard\u2018s ship and once a hula girl in Hawaii when he was out on the town with his two pals, Frank Costanza and Popeye. \u2026but that was in the dark.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the time, Ben Cartwright married Marie, his third wife, he had something to compare to in addition to being a Cattle Baron and single father of two adorable boys and an expert on good boozems. He had seen bosoms aplenty by that time and knew Marie had a swell bosom. Perhaps Marie\u2019s bosom was sweller than most, as her picture continued to appear all over the deep south and west for decades after her death. She was Miss Louisiana, Miss New Orlean\u2019s Duel Gal, Miss Rheingold, Miss Subways and Miss B Haven. She even posed for the picture of Vermont Maid Syrup.<\/p>\n

But unknown to most, though Ben claimed he had no favorites amongst his three beloved sons, Adam was really his fave. How could he not love such a heroic perfect lad? Besides, Ben had spent a load of cash sending Adam to college and expected a return on that costly investment of cash money.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Joe and Hoss need you more than I!\u201d declared Adam as he wept profusely but not too loudly. He was a tough dude and not one to show his emotions emotionally except when it came to his family, small children, dolls, the American flag and Hop Sing\u2019s green Jell-O.<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright was stoic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The only time anyone had seen Adam Cartwright cry was when his beloved puppy dog Rin Tin Tin ran off and joined the cavalry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t take it any more no more! \u201c Adam exploded. \u201cI shall leave and travel the world as my heart is broken from Laura Dayton and White Buffalo Woman and Regina Darien and all the other women who broke my heart into shattered bitty bit pieces. Boo hoo!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam reflected reflectively and silently. \u201cIt all started with the deadly death of my dead mother when I was an infant, though I remember it vividly. I was traumatized forever at her early demise! I fear abandonment so I leave first!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam was really smart even as a baby and he had a really great vocabulary that got him high scores on the SATs. Secretly, even in the cradle, Adam recorded his longings for mother love in his journal that many years later was made into a Broadway Musical called \u201cI Remember Dead Momma!\u201d He also wrote Harry Potter. Adam was quite educated. And musical too. He also designed and built the Ponderosa house, even though he was ten years old at the time.<\/p>\n

What a GUY!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam quickly packed up his saddlebag, including his dead mother\u2019s music box which he loved to listen to play music as I-Pods had not been invented but Adam was considering it. And his clothes and books and the autographed picture of Lincoln freeing the slaves that Thomas Bower had sent to Adam as a thank you gift. And some nice boots and black pants and a jacket that was yellow as butter and looked great on color TV, as well as some underwear — briefs, not boxers — and some beef jerky and water and a box of fried chicken that Hop Sing had prepared with some biscuits. And a first aid kit and some leggos and a gun and bullets. He also had some horseshoes, rope, an axe and tools and a flash light in case of emergencies. He was well prepared as he was a smart guy and had been a boy scout with the original Dan Bridger branch of Boy Scouts in Virginia City Troop Numero Uno. Ben had been his den mother in cub scouts as Ben was a great dad, being both father and mother to his motherless sons. Nothing, not even his land, would come between Ben and his boys\u2019 welfare and well being, as well.<\/p>\n

Twas a lot to carry on horse back but Adam, always resourceful, managed quite well and knew origami and could do all the suduko puzzles in the Territorial Enterprise in two seconds sitting in the outhouse. He was handsome and smart too. And his beloved horse Sport would do anything for Adam, even carrying a big load and not snicker at the yellow jacket.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben clutched his heart and said \u201cELIZABETH! THIS IS THE BIG ONE!\u201d and immediately fainted at the thought of Adam departing and taking all his stuff with him. Besides, it was the anniversary of Liz\u2019s death which coincided with Adam\u2019s birth but was not simultaneous and that always made Ben morose and sad as well. Each year he was moroser and moroser until he learned to occupy himself with fun activities like picking grapes with Joyce Edwards, singing around the piano or getting roaring drunk in a saloon and beating up blind artists.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben collapsed in his morose despair and Hoss had to carry him upstairs and Joe too and put them to bed in the night and sit by their bedside. Hoss even sang rockabye Joey, which was soothing to his brother, though it did make the coyotes and Muley\u2019s hounds howl.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WOOOoooOOOOoo.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss wept basins of tears until the floor had to be mopped by loyal Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOY! I go back to China if I have to swab up your tears one more time!\u201d Hop Sing said in Mandarin that only Joe understood as Hop Sing was almost a mother to the motherless boy. \u201cWith all this sappy sobbing, I am getting Pergo floors next spring from Number 23 cousin in Home Depot!\u201d swore Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

Hoss was pissed off. \u201cOh Little Joe! Look what you done did now! You made Adam run off with your bratty throat throttling and picking Jessica Lapin over him. No brother could love us more and be more self-sacrificing than Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss fell to his knees and prayed to God and his dead mother for Adam to return to the Ponderosa and for peace on earth and for a new puppy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss prayed hard and cried too as well. He cried so hard his beautiful and kind blue eyes got all puffy and bloodshot from sadness and weeping. Then he ate some green Jell-O.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 2 <\/u><\/p>\n

FAITH AND PRAYER AND LOADS OF SPIRITUAL STUFF<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam reflects within his perfectly perfect self and prays mighty hard. His father had taught him from a very young age to pray and worship God like he had been taught from his parents.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights practiced \u201cno frills, frontier, vaguely vanilla television religion\u201c. It was the same fictional faith the Cleavers and the Andersons of \u201cFather Knows Best\u201c, the citizens of Mayberry and the Brady Bunch, the Cunninghams of Milwaukee — except Chuck — and President Eisenhower followed. It was pretty pious with not too much ceremony done on camera so the viewers could all assume they were the same religion as those perfectly perfect heroic people and maternal moms and paternal Papas. Unlike President Kennedy and Molly Goldberg or Tom Cruise. Even Hop Sing implied he was a \u201cno frills, frontier, vaguely vanilla television religion\u201c.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Amen and God Bless!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Most of the practice was at open grave funerals where the males stood stoically staring at dirt, at Easter choir singing services where the little girls wore frilly bonnets and the kids found colored eggs, Christmas singing around the tree when it always snowed, and weddings that rarely happened to the stars of those shows.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights were really faithful folks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh lord! Let my family be ok even though I am not there to take care of all of them!\u201d Adam prayed to the starry sky.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He wished he had packed some green Jell-O but he had left home so rapidly, he had forgotten. Instead, he ate beans and since he was alone, it didn\u2019t much matter how much he passed gas all alone on the frontier.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 3<\/u><\/p>\n

MEANWHILE, BACK IN HEAVEN\u2026.<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The angels of his dead mothers and step-mothers hid behind a moon-lit cloud and took notes with a pink plumed pen filled with golden, glow-in-the-dark ink that they got from the heavenly STAPLES store.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy oh boy! Adam sure grew up to be a hunk!\u201d said Elizabeth admiringly from her cloud. She was pale as a pale ghost as she had died birthing Adam. Besides she was translucent as well and hoped to meet handsome angel Jonathan Smith for coffee. He was handsome but not as handsome as Ben but close.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe is hunka-licious!” agreed Marie. \u201cI would swoon over him if he wasn\u2019t my step-son.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd look at his farfennuggen! You must be very proud, Liz!\u201d said Inger with an arrow stuck in her gizzard. She often used that arrow as a convenient hanger for her delicate hand washables while they dried. Right now a pair of bloomers hung from the arrow blowing in the breeze.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDurn tooting!\u201d said Liz puffing out her angelic bazoom. \u201cThat\u2019s my hunka-licious baby boy, Adam!\u201d Her halo glowed proudly like gold in them thar hills. Even dead mothers have loads of pride for their sons who are not dead.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd we all love Ben so much! So much. So so so much!\u201d said Marie whose pretty head was a bit wobbly and lopsided as she had broken her neck which killed her. Once she was dead in heaven, she tended to wear turtle necked sweaters like Victoria Barkley to disguise this minor, yet fatal flaw. She also invented bobble head dolls and green gumbo Jell-O.<\/p>\n

\u201cRemember, boys, pray hard! And every time an angel gets his wings, a bell rings!\u201d Ben told the lads. He had learned that from his old pal Jimmy Stewart who had been at sea with him years earlier when Ben sailed with sailors. For years, Adam knew that every time he heard a bell, that was true. Especially when some pretty girl whispered in his handsome ear \u201cRing my chimes, cowboy!\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He was in heaven those nights.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 4<\/u><\/p>\n

TRUE TRUTH FROM A FOR ADAM TO Z FOR ZORRO<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

True truth was always important to all the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After Adam left the Ponderosa, he wandered about zigzagging his way east and west and north and south, meandering about and around the country. A few months later, when Adam finally hit Florida, he sent a wire to his father saying \u201cI am wandering about and good. STOP Hope you are happy as I am too. STOP Love Adam\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben wept when he got that wire. And he got a paper cut from the piece of paper that the Virginia City telegram delivery boy Homer McCauley (played by Mickey Rooney). The tears soaked through the piece of paper like the ocean hitting the beach at Lake Tahoe near Marie\u2019s grave, despite the fact it wasn\u2019t really the ocean but beautiful, blue Lake Tahoe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While his sad and crying father was refilling the moisture in Lake Tahoe with his own torrent of tears, Adam was in Boca Raton eating early bird specials. Boca Raton means \u201cMouth of the Rat\u201d in Spanish and Adam knew that, having associated with numerous Mexican hands on the Ponderosa and having dated Rosita Morales who was a hot number. His cousin Will had once lived in California as Don Diego De La Vega and he taught Adam loads of Spanish.<\/p>\n

Will told Adam, \u201cSoy su voluntad del primo pero usted puede llamarme Zorro. \u00a1Soy en negrilla y soy valiente y tallo un Z para mi nombre, un Z que est\u00e9 parado para Zorro!\u201d Adam knew that meant \u201cI am your cousin Will but you can call me Zorro. I’m bold and I’m brave and carve a Z for my name, a Z that stands for Zorro!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In college, Adam had studied Spanish, French, Greek, German, Esperanto and even Pig Latin, the porcine language of love. Adam Cartwright was glib and fluent and knew how to use his tongue to his advantage in many situations.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Numerous attractive women will swear to that and a couple of not so attractive women. Those Cartwrights all had agile tongues.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Hoss, Little Joe and Ben were crying on each others shoulders. Ben was really weeping a lot. He had spent a lot on college for Adam to be writing such a bad, ungrammatically written wire from Rat\u2018s Mouth Florida.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And Adam had sent it collect too. Ben had to give Homer McCauley a huge tip and a bowl of green Jell-O with Kool Whip when he delivered the telegram.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s departure to parts unknown was pretty upsetting to Ben as he had hoped Adam would hang around him all his entire life forever and do heavy lifting when Ben\u2019s back hurt and do the ledger work when Ben\u2019s eyes went bad and maybe get his act together and have a couple of kids to do the heavy lifting a book work when Adam got old.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben read the wire to his remaining two boys. Joe laughed nervously in his laugh that sounded like a cross between Woody Woodpecker and a little girl\u2019s hysterical giggles at a pajama party. Ben always knew that was Joe\u2019s nervous laugh as he knew everything about his boys and loved them with all his heart.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Initially, Little Joe was glad Adam was gone but soon learned he was wrong. Very wrong.<\/p>\n

Very VERY Wrong!<\/p>\n

Joe knew he was quite wrong about Adam, especially when seductress Jessica Lapin revealed she was unworthy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou are unworthy of me!\u201d she revealed transparently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe was devastated and astonished at her rejection. After all, who could possibly reject him?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With his older brother gone, no one nagged Joe or lectured him on his lazy ways or took the extra tapioca pudding and Joe didn\u2019t miss Adam\u2019s folk song singing and guitar playing and help with sudoko.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Soon Joe realized he was quite wrong. Adam played swell guitar and made lonely womanless nights after dinner more jolly and song-filled fun fests. There was no one to borrow aftershave from when they did have a chance to go out with a gal who still had a nose. Adam would tie Joe\u2019s tie and make sure Hoss didn\u2019t choke the life out of himself trying to tie his own tie with his large hands that could cradle a humming bird but had trouble tying a tie as Hoss was nervous to meet gals. Adam always could be counted on to do suduko in the Enterprise or answer the crossword puzzles in TV Guide or have an extra pair of black sox on tux night at the Cattleman\u2019s\u2019 association or to speak Paiute to end a war and find a needle in a hay stack before one of the cows sat on it and deflated their udders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe missed Adam a lot and cried himself to sleep every night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BOO HOOOOooooOO!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s weeping and wailing echoed through out the Ponderosa and curdled the milk in all the cows and turned it into Roquefort cheese.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With out Adam around, things sucked big time, like the big sucking wind that sucked Hoss off the cliff in \u201cPonderosa Birdman\u201c.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHOOOoooShhhh<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And Joe had to do more chores too as well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Life was empty, hollow and meaningless without Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And who would give him advice about how to read Shakespeare or the geometry of pool shots? And for goodness sake, who would jokingly tell his brothers the famous saying \u201cNo glove, no love\u201d when a soiled dove blew in their ears like the aforementioned wind.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

WHOOOoooShhhh<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam had grit and moxie and could sing all the verses of the 12 days of Christmas without missing a beat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He knew how to jiggle the toilet lever just right to get it not to run loudly too. He could read Pa\u2019s handwriting on the tally books and rip the corset pictures out of the Sears catalogue and hang them neatly on the outhouse wall with a certain flair suitable for HGTV. He even knew how to put the thumb tacks in significant spots to add realism to the gals\u2019 bazooms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam knew how to get the slinky to slink down the entire flight of stairs and the last drop of ketchup out of the bottle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With Adam gone, Pa was sad and depressed. Hoss ate more and more and Joe knew he was wrong as Jessica Lapin left town to marry a sneaky confederate named Luke Duke who was a bootlegger as well. It had all been an evil plot to deceive the Cartwrights and only Adam was smart enough to see through the lies. Joe believed the girl over his own brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How terrible is that?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Very!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A girl had come between Adam and Little Joe!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe now felt really sad and bad and remorseful. \u201cPa! I was really wrong. I pray that Adam returns.\u201d Little Joe felt guilty and wept when he thought no one was looking and cried himself to sleep every night after praying fervently on his knees.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing knew the truth as Little Joe\u2019s tear stained pillow was sopping wet with tears each morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy, you really screwed up bad this time!\u201d said Hoss, who put on his big white trademark hat and went out to sit by Joe\u2019s mother\u2019s grave to cry. It seemed like a custom that all of them hung out by the grave of dead Marie and cried buckets. That is why the flowers bloomed so well on that grave, even orchids which were not native to Nevada.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOH LAWDY! Lawdy LAWdeee! Bring Adam home for Christmas, if not sooner!\u201d wept Hoss as Chubb prayed as well. Buck went comatose from depression. Even Cochise sang Ave Maria, Adam\u2019s favorite. How many horses can sing opera in Latin?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Cartwrights were a prayerful bunch of guys. Their horses were pious horses as well. Chubb, Cochise, and Buck all missed Sport too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sadness blanketed the Ponderosa like a blight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Even big bowls of green Jell-O provided by Hop Sing for dessert couldn\u2019t end the sadness for the remaining Cartwrights. Neither could the medicinal brandy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 5<\/u><\/p>\n

BEN\u2018S LONG LOST FRIEND VISITS FOR FESTEVUS<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DECEMBER 23, 1861<\/u><\/p>\n

THE CIVIL WAR RAGES AND ADAM IS STILL MISSING. <\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe and Hoss and Ben are forlorn. The horses, cows, chickens and gophers were too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright was walking sssssssssssssssllllllllooooowly down the dusty street in Virginia City on his way to buy Hop Sing a new pine tree shaped Jell-O mold to match the Ponderosa brand at the Virginia City Jell-O Mold Emporium, when his long lost pal Frank spotted him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBen!” he called. \u201cBen Cartwright!\u201d Frank zigzagged across the street, narrowly missing being run over by three buckboards and a herd of pleathers and naugas being driven to market by cowhands, two taxis and a prospector on a mule.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy Frank Costanza! You old son of a gun!\u201c Ben slapped him on the back. \u201cWhat brings you to Virginia City?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBuy me a drink and I will tell you!\u201c Frank finagled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben suddenly remembered why he hadn\u2019t kept in touch with Frank for years. He was a boorish, annoying moron with a big mouth and hair on his knuckles. None of Ben\u2019s wives liked him. Elizabeth put her foot down at inviting Frank to their home because he was so crude. He had re-gifted them with a used deflated whoopee cushion for a wedding gift. Even Inger, Hoss\u2019 dead mama, who wasn\u2019t yet dead at that point and who was pretty easy-going, didn\u2019t particularly like Frank either. He had bragged and boasted about knowing celebrities like Buffalo Bill and Jean Lafitte and fed Baby Hoss stale pastrami. Even Ben\u2019s third and most luscious wife hated Frank. She had cause to hate Ben\u2019s old pal. Frank had once pinched Marie\u2019s pert derriere and Ben had punched his lights out and tossed him bodily from the ranch with a thud. After that, the friendship had not really been the same. Ben didn\u2019t even have him on his Buddy List on his not yet invented computer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow long did you say you would be in Virginia City, Frank?\u201d Ben asked hoping Frank would say he was leaving on the afternoon stage and he could avoid spending any time with him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I was figuring a couple of months\u2026maybe longer. At least until the Judge Roy Bean, the circuit judge, gets here,\u201d Frank sighed. \u201cFamily trouble!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben felt sick to his stomach. He was torn between Cartwright generosity and his immense desire not to be around his long lost pal longer than necessary. He had to avoid inviting Frank to the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGee Frank\u2026 I would have you come over to the ranch but think we are due for a typhoid epidemic come the end of the week and a blizzard and Paiute uprising and a prairie fire and\u2026we are having all the out houses remodeled and the bark resided on the logs on the outside of the house. And Hop Sing needs a new Jell-O mold\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI was hoping I could bunk with you on the Ponderosa until George and his pals sorted things out a bit. They got in some legal problem\u2026\u201d Frank pleaded with his eyes as he picked Ben\u2019s pocket with his hands. \u201cThe Sheriff is a pal of yours and it might avoid a lynching for my son if you sort of gave the appearance of our still being friends\u2026PLEASE?\u201d Frank pleaded. \u201cI can\u2019t lose my son\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know how you feel, Frank,\u201d Ben sighed sympathetically, thinking of the son he lost, Adam. Could Adam be gone forever? Could he be in jail? Or lynched? Could Adam have joined a cult who thought they got messages from flying saucers or wore togas and handed out flowers at stage coach stops? Adam could be almost anywhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anywhere but here! If he were here, Ben could see him and hug him and have him dig fence poles.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPLEASE, Ben!\u201d Frank pleaded, throwing himself on his knees and clutching the rancher\u2018s thighs in a strangle hold. \u201cMy George is a good boy! He was duped! He just got in with a bad crowd, a bunch of selfish, self-serving, mean-spirited city folks, that Seinfeld gang.”<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Seinfeld gang? George was tied up with THEM?\u201c<\/p>\n

Frank nodded. George Costanza was in Roy Coffee\u2019s jail. George had been in the audience at Piper\u2019s Opera House with some of his New York friends. A comedian, Jerry Seinfeld, was performing and blathering on about meaningless blather. When noted opera singer Thomas Bowers started his act, one of George Costanza\u2019s friends, Cosmo Kramer, shouted rude, racist remarks. Hoss and Joe rushed to Thomas Bower\u2019s defense and punched Kramer\u2019s lights out. A melee broke out and much damage was done. Roy Coffee and his deputy Clem showed up and threw George, Jerry and Cosmo in the hoosegow. Their gun moll, Elaine, grabbed hold of Joe\u2019s tush and claimed he was her boyfriend. Then she blew in his ear. Never one to turn down a willing gal, especially since Adam was gone and no one was there to guide his hot-blooded baby brother into more productive uses of his bottom like sitting in a church pew or sitting on a saddle and breaking broncos instead of sitting in Elaine\u2019s hands. Elaine dumped Joe as fast as she could for one of the wealthy mine owners and Joe once again was heart-broken. At least Elaine wired George\u2019s father to come bail him out of jail before she left for Vegas with Wayne Newton.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Frank Costanza showed up in Virginia City from NYC the next day and looked up Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Ben reluctantly agreed to let Frank stay on the Ponderosa. \u201cStay as long as you need\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d Frank said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll talk to Roy Coffee\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd? Don\u2018t you realize it is December 23?\u201d Frank pointed out. \u201cFestivus! A Festivus for the rest of us!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can have a big Festivus Celebration\u2026\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow did all this start?\u201d Frank asked. He had learned about Festivus from Ben Cartwright the last time they were together, the time he pinched Marie\u2019s tushie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201dMany Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son, Adam,” explained Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA doll?\u201d Frank gasped. \u201cDon\u2019t you mean\u2026.an ACTION FIGURE!?!?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, a doll. Adam wanted a doll. He looked darkly tough, but he is very sensitive inside. Very sensitive. But only inside.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dSo what happened when you went to buy the doll, Ben?\u201d Frank asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201d I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. \u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere is always another way,\u201d Frank Costanza, Ben\u2019s Long Lost Friend nodded: \u201cWhat happened to the doll?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat must’ve been some kind of doll!\u201d Frank couldn\u2019t wait to tell all the other members of Ben\u2019s Long Lost Friend Association that Ben\u2019s first born son was a wimp who wanted a doll. Wait until Guido Borelli hears this! Guido was quite a \u201cconfirmed bachelor\u201d himself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe doll was destroyed,\u201d Ben sighed. \u201cThat\u2019s how we started Festivus!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Frank Costanza asked \u201cIs there a tree?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo tree,\u201d Ben Cartwright said. \u201cNo trees for Festivus; instead, there’s a pole. It requires no decoration. Little Joe finds tinsel distracting and since electric lights haven\u2019t been invented, the candles are quite a hazard as we live about 137 miles from the nearest fire department. We use a pole for Festivus. It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. Like the inverse of Hoss\u2026high weight to strength ratio.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut you have an entire ranch full of pine trees. Why wouldn\u2019t you use a tree instead of a pole?\u201d Frank asked. He still couldn\u2019t believe Adam Cartwright wanted a doll. His son George never wanted a doll. Maybe that was the problem with George? That and his choice of nincompoop friends.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Ponderosa pine trees. I named the ranch after them,\u201d Ben said proudly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe pine tree ranch?\u201d Frank scratched his arm pit. \u201cIt sounds like a Christmas tree farm! Do you know what a live Christmas tree costs in NYC? We should get together and make a killing in the Christmas tree market from your Pine Tree Ranch!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not the Pine Tree Ranch! The PONDEROSA!\u201d Ben roared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike the cheap steak place? By the way, when do you serve dinner?\u201c Frank asked. \u201cI\u2019m getting hungry. All I had was some of those muffin tops that Elaine left behind. And they were pretty stale\u2026 and some soup from the Soup Nazi.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSoup Nazi?\u201d Ben raised his eyebrow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t ask. It\u2019s a very long story\u2026 so when is dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDinner?\u201d Ben had no appetite since Adam had left. Neither did Hoss. Neither did Little Joe. Hop Sing had taken up karaoke with all the time he saved from not cooking or washing dishes.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s December 23!\u201c Frank, eagerly pointed out it was Festivus. \u201cBen, don\u2019t forget it is Festivus! The celebration of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances, which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben knew Frank was right. \u201cHow could I forget the Airing of Grievances?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could you?\u201d Frank agreed. \u201cAnd then after a Festivus dinner, the \u2018Feats of Strength\u2019 are performed. Traditionally, Festivus is not over until the head of the household<\/a> is wrestled to the floor and pinned.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHoss is really good at that,\u201d Ben bragged. \u201cHe\u2019s been pinning me since he was 8 years old.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year! In the Airing of Grievances, each person present at the celebration tells friends and family of all the instances in which they have disappointed him or her that year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy oldest boy, Adam\u2026 He was always the best at that. That sullen, morose boy could nitpick better than anyone.\u201d Ben\u2019s lip trembled at the fond memory of Adam\u2019s lengthy list and bitter griping and large vocabulary. \u201cAdam had more words for negative things than any one west of the Mississippi. He teethed on a thesaurus and went to college too.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly, despite his best intentions, Ben Cartwright fell to pieces. Festivus wasn\u2019t Festivus without Adam. He flung himself into Frank Costanza\u2019s arms and wept hysterically causing a curious crowd to gather. \u201cHow can we celebrate Festivus without Adam on the Ponderosa!?!?!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo you mean that cheap steak place?\u201d Frank asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you dumb moron! I already told you that The Ponderosa! My ranch!\u201d Ben sputtered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 6<\/u><\/p>\n

ADAM IN THE BIG APPLE SAVES A GAL FROM A JAM<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

New York City, a few years later\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut sometimes you gotta go that so you can come back.\u201d Adam smiled as he recalled his last few years traveling. \u201cI had my round the world jaunt, my adventures, my brief but ethical term in Congress and season playing professional basketball with the NBA and singing lead baritone with Metropolitan opera in NYC as well as coming in second on \u201cDancing With the Stars\u201c and a brief stint as a champion on Jeopardy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam mostly didn\u2019t mention that he won a fortune in Monte Carlo because of his great mathematical ability and balanced all the ledgers in J. P. Morgan\u2019s bank, catching the fraud that Charles Augustus Hackett was trying to pull off, and while he was in London, he prevented Queen Victoria\u2018s bustle from catching fire when she brushed too close to Liberace\u2019s chandelier. Adam Cartwright also invented Velcro, nose hair clippers and Silly Putty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat else have you been doing?\u201c Eileen said. She had come to NYC from Crackerville, Florida where her family ran an alligator purse farm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, my dear, I anonymously fathered countless children when I donated my super-sperm to sperm banks while maintaining my virginity\u2026 after all, Pa raised us to be pristinely pure and holy until marriage\u2026all except Joe who was seduced by Julia Bullette but that there is completely another story.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease! Please! Stay! The adorable blind orphans and their crippled adorable, puppies will miss you, Adam!\u201d gasped Eileen Tippleheimer. Poor Eileen would NEVER ever admit she did not want the hunky furchesthottie to depart. She had spent the last six months practicing writing her signature as Mrs. Adam Cartwright and embroidering his initials entwined with hers on plush pink finger towels. Lovely blonde Eileen was wildly, passionately, madly, eternally in love with furchesthottie Adam Cartwright for more than a year. Poor Eileen came to New York City from rural Florida where there was only swamp and alligator purse factories and no malls or other signs of civilization. Adam bravely saved her a year earlier from being kidnapped at the Central Park merry go round by a vagrant Civil War Vet, Stinky Armpithair who heard voices and tried to kill Yoko Ono. Someone had jostled his arm and Stinky hit a squirrel instead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMurderer!\u201d shrieked Yoko.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGet that man!\u201d shouted the crowd. They raised their angry fists and spit like true New Yorkers. Some even raised fingers in the NYC taxi driver salute. Just then, Eileen strolled past. Before she knew what was happening, the murderer roughly grabbed her and wrapped his arm around her lovely slender throat and held her captive. Clutching poor Eileen as his prisoner, Stinky ran into the subway that was new at that time and got away on the Broadway Local.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHelp! Help Save ME!\u201d the lovely and beautiful Eileen shrieked melodiously. Her voice was drowned in the roar of the approaching subways, the hustle bustle of the commuters and the musical flute playing of some Peruvian street musicians. No one realized what was going on except heroic and observant Adam Cartwright. Adam had been helping to redesign the entire NYC transit system tunnels, modeling the design after the method Philip Diedershiemer had used in the mine tunnels in Virginia City when he spotted the lovely and pert Eileen being dragged down the tunnel by Stinky Armpitaire.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllppppp!\u201d screeched Eileen just as the uptown local pulled into the station. Stinky started to pull her through the open subway door of the A train. The numerous Peruvian flute players, urchins and candy sellers and cowardly Wall Street businessmen scattered. One brave man jumped forward from the shadows that matched his black shirt, pants and seemingly out of context in NYC cowboy hat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUnhand that girl, you odiferous lout!\u201d Adam Cartwright demanded assertively but politely. Adam always believed in being polite, at least to start. He also wished he had his gun with him but there were gun permit laws in NYC that prevented the wearing of six guns by cowboys passing through town on their way around the world.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s deeply melodious baritone voice sent shivers through the cowardly murderer\u2019s nether regions, kidneys and bladder. Stinky instantaneously peed into his own boots and created a slippery and dangerous puddle on the filthy cement subway station floor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUnhand her!\u201d Adam Cartwright ordered heroically. He grabbed Eileen\u2019s lovely, graceful, feminine hand in his manly, strong hand and yanked her free off balancing the kidnapper. Stinky slipped in his own pee puddle and fell under the wheels of the departing A Train.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!\u201d screamed Stinky as he simultaneously hit the electrified third rail and was squished beneath the steel wheels of the speedy A train.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood job, cowboy!\u201d Duke Ellington and Ella Fitzgerald sang through the window of the subway as it squished Stinky Armpitaire into mince meat. The evil-doer was very dead.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Hooray!\u201d cheered the crowd.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWith cowboys like that around, who needs cops?\u201d said officers Toody and Muldoon, who had chased after the murderer as he ran into the station.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMy Hero!\u201d Eileen squealed as she fell into a swoon in Adam\u2019s strong arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged modestly, knowing this was just one of many women he saved.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat can I do to repay you?\u201d Eileen said, gazing deeply into her hero\u2019s golden brown eyes. She was hoping he would say something about a romantic picnic or skinny dipping in the Hudson River but being a polite and pure young lady she didn\u2019t mention that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow about a home-made dinner!\u201d Adam suggested hungrily. \u201cI am so tired of eating hot dogs at Nathan\u2019s and Papaya King! I long for some fried chicken, mashed potatoes and \u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d Eileen puckered up her pert red rosebud lips.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd green Jell-O!\u201d Adam smiled. His dimples flashed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTake the rest of the day off, Adam!\u201d declared Philip Diedershiemer. \u201cI am going to the mayor\u2019s office to tell him how we are finishing the subway tunnels.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFried chicken and mashed potatoes are just what we are having for dinner at the Broadway Orphanage and Puppy Shelter for wayward Alcoholic Canines!\u201d Eileen smiled pertly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that is how Adam and Eileen first met.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you still have to teach us your surgery techniques for treating hip dysphasia on the blind orphan\u2019s pet poodle, Fluffy! And build little two wheeled carts for the three legged dog Sandy who had only three legs and needed wheels to run in the dog races to win money to save the orphanage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease Mister Adam! Don\u2019t go!\u201d wept little Orphan Annie who had eyeballs like poker chips and a dog to boot, even though Adam never booted it. The dog was Sandy who loved Adam too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cArf,” said Sandy the dog. \u201cWhimper, whimper!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The pooch handed Adam a whiskey bottle as the dog was giving up drinking under Adam\u2019s support and encouragement. Nothing worse than a drunk dog with one missing leg growling at blind orphans. Sandy had started drinking when his best canine friend, Neil Kirby, a St. Bernard, died in an avalanche in the Alps.<\/p>\n

Sandy tipped the bottle, taking a long, careless swig that allowed liquor to run down his furry chin and staining Adam\u2019s black pants. Adam took the bottle away from the poochie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDrinking yourself blind won\u2019t bring back Neil, Sandy. The orphans need you!\u201d Adam reminded the poochie.<\/p>\n

\u201cYip, Yip!\u201d the dog agreed, knowing Adam was right as he was always right.
\nAdam hated to leave NYC, the BIG Apple, Fluffy, Eileen and all the blind orphans and crippled doggies but he missed the Ponderosa and his beloved father and brothers. He would also miss the bagels that were so plentiful in NYC but arranged for a generous lady named Lillian to mail him a package monthly when he went home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFamily is important!\u201d Lillian agreed as she wrote down Adam\u2019s address. \u201cI am sure your father has a hole in his heart as big as the hole in a pumpernickel bagel!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201dI am so homesick for the fresh pine air of the Ponderosa and my beloved family that I am going home for Christmas!\u201d declared Adam, cradling Sandy\u2019s bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon against his right side as he was going to bring it home to his father for Christmas, even though it had dog slobber on it. With his gun in his right handed hand, he walked toward the front door of the orphanage. He tipped his hat and blew a kiss at Eileen, who bravely waved adios; even though she wished Adam stayed, she knew he was right as Adam was always right and correct. The love a Cartwright has for another Cartwright is more than he can ever have for a woman except for the love Ben had for each and every dead wife he had.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then as one last heroic gesture, Adam shot one of the robbers who were trying to break in the orphanage through the unlocked cellar window. This was NYC, after all, and there were lots of godless liberal fiends and robbers and miscreants.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll remember that and write a song about you gals and orphans!\u201d Adam leaped on the back of his horse, who he had rescued from a vicious handsome cab driver near the Plaza Hotel, and kicked his spurs in its side and road off down the rode singing Kumbaya! And \u201cFrosty the Snowman!\u201d and \u201cHava Challie Jolly Chanukah!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHome horsie!\u201d Adam wept, knowing he would never find another swell girl like Eileen or the other ones in New York like Rachel and Monica and Phoebe Sometimes a man has got to do what a man has got to do, and family comes first, before blind orphans, crippled puppies or anything else. And at least Lillian would send Adam a box of bagels from NYC. They would go extremely swell with the grape jam Joyce Edwards made from the grapes she and Ben Cartwright picked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joyce Edward\u2019s Grape Jam<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The jam made from forbidden fruit tastes much sweeter.<\/p>\n

First take an entire afternoon to pick one basket of grapes while being consoled by handsome silver haired rancher.<\/p>\n

Skin grapes, put the pulp in the kettle and cook until seeds fall out. Run through colander to remove seeds. Put the pulp in the kettle in preparation of 2 cups pulp to 1 cup sugar. When nearly ready, remove from fire. Add the skins and cook until tender.<\/p>\n

This makes a delicious jam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 7<\/u><\/p>\n

BAD STUFF HAPPENS<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, back on the Ponderosa\u2026.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lots and lots of extremely bad, bad stuff happens without Adam there to take care of things on the ranch as he always has for his entire life as a motherless boy helping his beloved father raise his two brother, Hoss and Little Joe, who were really named Eric and Joseph Francis but were better known by their nicknames. There was no one else to help Pa spank Hoss and Joe when those rascally rascals robbed a bank or snuck out late at night to be seduced by seductive saloon gals or go fishing when they were supposed to be working.<\/p>\n

One night when Ben was giving adorable Little Joe his weekly spanking on his adorable BARE tushie, (for those in the reading audience who have the need to read about those type things), Hoss wept profusely while he anxiously awaited his turn across Pa\u2019s knee for his loving spanking.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss! Why are you crying? I am spanking Little Joe for robbing the bank, not you!\u201d Ben exclaimed as he walloped the daylights out of his son but did it with love.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh Pa! I miss Adam! No one spanked us quite as well as Adam! He lovingly beat our bottoms to teach us a lesson!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one whupped me as affectionately as my big brother, Pa!\u201d Little Joe agreed knowing that he had done wrong and it was a bad thing to rob the bank but he had to demonstrate his extreme depression and distress about Adam leaving the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThank god I spanked you boys even though it hurt me more than it hurt you to spank you,\u201d Ben pointed out as he neatly folded his cat o\u2019 nine tails that his sons had given him for Mother\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Just then, Roy Coffee came in and saw the loving father spanking his bank robbing sons. \u201cI won\u2019t touch this with a ten foot pole!\u201d the sheriff declared to Clem. \u201cOr even a nine foot pole!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Clem agreed and wished he had a wonderful father like Ben Cartwright who would have taken the time to spank him. \u201cHey Roy! How about spanking me!?\u201d Clem asked with a wink. Roy shook his head and resisted the urge to shoot Clem. The two lawmen then rode back to Virginia City and had sushi for dinner and watched reruns of \u201cLittle Rascals” featuring Spanky.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank the lord!\u201d Hoss and Joe agreed ten minutes later. \u201cWe have learned our lesson. No more bank robbing for us!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNow let\u2019s have a group hug and I will give you a bubble bath and pedicures!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHooray!\u201d exclaimed Hoss and Joe as Ben helped them put on matching night shirts. \u201cToo bad Adam is not here or we could all spank each other!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s have cocoa and sing!\u201d Joe suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And they did but it wasn\u2019t the same without Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then, despite all the love they had for each other, the hole in their hearts grew much, much larger and they all cried themselves to sleep.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cartwright\u2019s Yummy Cocoa Recipe<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1\/2 cup granulated sugar
\n1\/3 cup hot water
\n1\/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder<\/a>
\n4 cups milk from a cow not a steer
\n1\/8 teaspoon salt
\n3\/4 teaspoon vanilla extract<\/a><\/p>\n

44 Marshmallows<\/p>\n

A quart of brandy<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mix cocoa, sugar, water and salt in a saucepan<\/a>. Over medium heat, stir constantly until mixture boils. Cook, stirring constantly, for 1 minute.<\/p>\n

Stir in the milk and heat, but do not boil. Remove from heat and add vanilla<\/a>; blend well. Add 11 marshmallows per cup. Serve immediately.<\/p>\n

Drink Brandy<\/p>\n

Makes 4 servings.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 8<\/u><\/p>\n

MORE REALLY BAD STUFF ON THE PONDEROSA<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Things only got worse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lots of fences were down and cows wandered around lost and broken-hearted without Adam to sing them to sleep. Rustlers rustled. Bushwhackers bushwhacked. Gals in blue dresses died in droves and were stacked up like cordwood behind the barn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMoooOOOOoooo!” said the cows forlornly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Their milk curdled into low fat yogurt from the stress. Everyone in Virginia City had become vegetarians, too. The pine trees had pine tree blight and all the mines were flooding and the railroad abandoned plans to go west. Lots of cute, adorable orphans were hungry and Wayne Newton lost his voice. That was the only good thing that happened. Wayne was a big sissy boy and left town.<\/p>\n

They adopted Jamie. (horror of horrors!)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJamie Who?\u201d asked Lillian who had just been passing through hoping to cross paths with Adam who she adored. She had a sack of bagels, cookies and other luscious baked goods to shower upon him.<\/p>\n

The Cartwrights just groaned and moaned and couldn\u2019t bear to answer her.<\/p>\n

Then disaster struck like an anvil falling off a cliff and hitting the road runner in the desert. Did you ever think that perhaps Kane was in cahoots with Wiley Coyote?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe got hay fever! OH NO!<\/p>\n

\u201cImagine Joe coming down with hay fever at haying time!\u201d Hoss moaned.<\/p>\n

Doc Adams came and looked at the poor lad struggling with his hay fever.<\/p>\n

His nose ran like a faucet and his eyes were all watery and red.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTell me the truth! Will Joe survive?\u201d Ben asked after he threw himself on his knees and prayed to God and his dead wives who were angels in heaven.<\/p>\n

\u201cHANG IN JOE!\u201d all the dead mommy angels cheered from their floaty frothy clouds that were much like the marshmallows in the Cartwright\u2019s bedtime post-spanking cocoa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s young and he\u2019s strong and Joe is a fighter. Have him take two of these pills every four hours and he should be ok. Just don\u2019t let him operate any heavy machinery,\u201d Doc said. \u201cor drive! And if he priapism, tell me. I\u2019ll take some of those pills myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHeck, Doc! Me and Pa will sell them and make more money than the Comstock Lode!\u201d Hoss declared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(for more info on priaprism check: http:\/\/www.goaskalice.columbia.edu\/1133.html)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss and Ben nodded thankful that Joe didn\u2019t die from hay fever or get true priaprism, even though some of the more attractive young ladies in the territory would have sworn he looked like he had that each time they sashayed past Joe Cartwright but that was just Joe\u2018s natural state of alertness.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But alas! Things started out ok but Joe was never one to follow doctor\u2019s orders. No sir!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But no! Poor Little Joe under the influence of the hay fever pills had used heavy machinery, got to dozing and caught his arm in the not yet invented tractor and wonk!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe Cartwright\u2019s adorable arm was ripped off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEwww.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe was so full of himself and spoiled too, and hot-tempered and had made lots of mistakes over the years but this sure was a big major huge one. He looked down on his own severed arm that lay in ice from the snow on the high sierras that an unnamed ranch hand had hauled down to cool Hop Sing\u2018s latest batch of green Jell-O margaritas.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing\u2019s Green Jell-O Margaritas<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ingredients:
\n2 cups blackberries
\n2 cups crushed ice from the High Sierras
\n1\/2 cup fresh lime juice<\/p>\n

1 package green Jell-O
\n3\/4 cup white tequila
\n1\/4 cup sugar<\/p>\n

Directions:<\/p>\n

Squish the black berries in a bowl. Force puree through a fine sieve into a small bowl and discard solids.<\/p>\n

In a canteen, combine 1\/2 a ladle of puree and remaining ingredients and shake well by strapping it on to your saddle and galloping for ten miles or so. Strain drink into individual stemmed glasses. Serves one portion for Hoss Cartwright or Hop Sing and three cousins.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben said looking down at unconscious but adorable Little Joe. \u201cGood thing it wasn\u2019t Joe\u2019s left arm or it would have impaired his fast draw and his horseshoe pitching arm.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss wept at his little brother\u2019s impaired condition. He confided in his father. \u201cWhat about Christmas? Who could put Mama\u2019s angel on the tippety tippy tip top top of the tree???\u201d That had always been orchestrated by Adam, just as Mama had wanted. He would stand on top of the stair case as Hoss carried Little Joe balanced on his broad shoulders. Adam would tell them \u201cHigher, to the left, or up or down\u201d as the need was for the shiny gilt angel that Marie had hand crocheted the first Christmas she was on the Ponderosa from scraps of silk thread and tin foil from chewing tobacco wrappers and hair from Buck\u2019s mane and snips of her petticoats.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvery time we use Marie\u2019s angel on the top of our tree, I feel she never croaked\u2026er \u2026died,\u201d Ben sighed. \u201cChristmas had been her favorite holiday after Valentine\u2019s Day, Arbor Day, Shrove Tuesday, National Pickle Week and Elvis\u2019 Birthday.\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t forget Purim, Pa! Marie sure loved Purim! The costumes, the carnivals, the fun and laughter,\u201d Hoss sighed. \u201cNo one could make better prune hamentaschen then Joe\u2019s Ma!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou bet!\u201d Hop Sing agreed with a tear in his eyes as well. Marie Cartwright loved Hoppy\u2019s baked goodies but when it came to hamentaschen, the New Orlean\u2018s Purim treat, he had to tip his hat to the late Mrs. Cartwright who used a recipe from Lillian.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Mardi Gras Purim Hamentashen<\/u><\/p>\n

Hamentaschen Short Pastry<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Makes a couple of dozen<\/p>\n

Keeps 4 days in an airtight container<\/p>\n

Freeze 3 months in a snow drift<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

5 oz. firm butter\u2026firm like the muscles of the Cartwright men<\/p>\n

A cup of flour<\/p>\n

1 teasp baking powder<\/p>\n

1\/8 cup sugar<\/p>\n

2 teaspoons grated lemon rind<\/p>\n

1 beaten egg from Hop Sing\u2019s chickens<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cut the butter in roughly 1-inch chunks, then mix in with the flour, baking powder (if used), sugar, lemon rind. then add the beaten egg and squish until the mixture is beginning to cling together in little moist lumps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tip out into a bowl, gather into a ball with the fingers and then knead with<\/p>\n

lightly floured hands until smooth.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pat into a circle about 1 inch thick, cover with foil and chill for several hours or overnight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To shape and bake the hamantashen: preheat the oven hot (375\u00b0 F 190\u00b0<\/p>\n

C). Take the pastry from the ice box and if too firm for rolling, work it a little with the hands to soften it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Roll out a quarter-inch (1 cm) thick on the board sprinkled lightly with confectioner\u2019s sugar.<\/p>\n

Cut into rounds with 3-inch with a round biscuit cutter and put a rounded spoonful of filling in the center of each circle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Draw up to form a tricorner (three-cornered) pastry, leaving a little gap in the center to allow steam to escape.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Brush lightly with the glaze and sprinkle with the sugar. If you really want them to do double duty for Purim and Mardi Gras, add some gold, purple and green tinted sugar or sprinkles to the top.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Arrange on ungreased cookie sheets and bake for 15 minutes until golden brown and yum-I-licious.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Store when cooled and don\u2019t let any cowboy\u2019s snatch them until carnival time.<\/p>\n

New Orleans Prune Filling<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n

2 oz. (50 g) walnuts or pecans<\/p>\n

About half a pound of prunes also known as \u201cdried plums\u201d.<\/p>\n

2 rounded tablespoons damson or plum jam or Joyce Edwards grape jam<\/p>\n

2 teaspoons lemon juice\u2026. Or BRANDY!<\/p>\n

Chop all the ingredients well until mush. Chill before using<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CHAPTER 9<\/u><\/p>\n

TEARS AND LAUNDRY PROBLEMS FOR HOP SING<\/u><\/p>\n

\u201cSince Adam left the Ponderosa, every thing here has all been like living in hell,\u201d wept Little Joe disarmingly as he regained consciousness. He tearfully wept with his eyes brimming liquidly wet salt water and wiped his drippy, runny but adorable nose on Ben\u2019s sleeve.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Snerrrk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Being the best father in the world, Ben didn\u2019t even mind that Joe used his father\u2018s shirt like a hanky even though Hop Sing wasn\u2019t exactly thrilled with the idea of snotty sleeves in the wash.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe waved his one remaining arm in the air. \u201cIt\u2019s all my fault that Adam left the Ponderosa! Mine, mine! MY FAULT! I shouldn\u2019t have acted like such a spoiled brat and listened to that self-serving Confederate Gal and ignored my brother, Adam! If only I could go back in time!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf only\u2026.\u201d Hoss sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHad Adam been here on the ranch, ADAM would have watched over me despite my bristling at his wise and brotherly concern. Adam would have said not to take those antihistamine pills and use heavy machinery at the same time!\u201d Joe raged and wailed piteously.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe wouldn\u2019t have let you get your arm ripped off, Shortshanks!\u201d Hoss wailed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sobbed \u201cIf only Adam would come back!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf only!\u201d Hoss and Joe said in unison as the wept torrents of hot tears on each others shoulders.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf only!\u201d chorused the three dead mommas who looked down from a poofy cloud hovering over the Ponderosa as they all munched heavenly hamentaschen. \u201cIf only!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLiz! Tell that son of yours to get his tush back home!\u201d Dead Inger said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes!\u201d Dead Marie agreed. \u201cAdam was always stubborn but he loves his family and there is no place dearer to Adam than the Ponderosa!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know!\u201d agreed Dead Elizabeth. \u201cBut Adam has to find his own way back into the bosom of his family on his own!\u201d<\/p>\n

The three dead moms wept from their cloud and their tears froze in the winter sky falling as snow on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLook, boys! Snow!\u201d Ben declared looking out of the window of the log ranch house that Adam had designed when he was eleven years old and helped Ben build before Joe was born.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it is almost Christmas and we are having company too and we have snow!\u201d sighed Hop Sing, looking out the window. He hoped to use that ice that cradled Little Joe\u2019s limb in the punch to celebrate the feeding of the Donner party and all the guests and friends who came. Even Wayne Newton and little blind Gabrielle and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the saloon girls from the Silver Dollar and Roy Coffee and a few passing Indians and ethnic minorities who were oppressed but rescued by the Cartwrights as was traditional.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwrights Original Sherbet\/Arm Ice Punch Recipe<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1\/2 gallon sherbet, any flavor or crushed ice from the High Sierra\u2019s with an arm resting in it
\n2 quarts (8 cups) ginger ale or sarsaparilla
\nIce mold<\/p>\n

A couple of quarts of rotgut<\/p>\n

Chill all ingredients well before mixing. Scoop sherbet (or ice) into a large punch bowl. Stir to soften. Slowly add ginger ale and rotgut. Float the ice mold. Makes 32 servings in teensy little glass cups.<\/p>\n

Variations:<\/p>\n