{"id":15593,"date":"2003-07-05T15:16:40","date_gmt":"2003-07-05T19:16:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15593"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:50","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:50","slug":"things-youll-never-hear-in-a-western-movie-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15593","title":{"rendered":"Things You’ll Never Hear in a Western Movie (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yep, the title\u00a0explains this story.<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,165 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie<\/strong>
\n\u00a0A REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Thanks to Carla for the original list of Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter one – Latte in the Afternoon<\/u><\/p>\n

“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist IN A DIRTY MUG!” said Adam Cartwright as he strode up to the coffee bar in the Virginia City Starbucks. He was living really dangerously.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMake that two!\u201d said Ben Cartwright. His deep voice rattled the rack of mugs hanging behind the bevel edged granite-topped bar. \u201cWith extra double caffeine. I have a late date tonight with Widow Brady. She got a magnificent new duvet and magnificent shams and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShe wants you to \u2026ahem\u2026 try them out?\u201d Adam winked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHerupmph!\u201d Ben glared at his eldest son\u2019s remark.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you say sir?\u201d The attractive barista smiled warmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI said, I would like my coffee with extra double caffeine. I have a late date tonight with Widow Brady. She got a magnificent new duvet and magnificent shams and she\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHas three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls,\u201d Little Joe sang longingly, though a bit off key.<\/p>\n

Ben swatted his son with a rolled up newspaper on the nose.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want whipped cream with that, Mr. Cartwright, sir?\u201d asked voluptuous AshleyMaryKate Bluedresskytein, the charming barista. \u201cWe also have some grand and yummy liggonberry pie?\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo pie. Just the coffee with Sweet and Lo, Sugar.\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe also have some grand and yummy peach pie?\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir! No pie, just coffee with Sweet and Lo, Sugar!\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe also have some grand and yummy prune danish?\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Coffee, extra caffeine with Sweet and Lo! Not sugar!\u201c Ben corrected. He was watching his waistline. Widow Brady mentioned his gun belt was a bit snug when he took her to Piper\u2018s Opera House to hear Thomas Bower and Aretha Franklin and the adorable Italian Mouse Topo Gigio in a remarkable charity concert. The highpoint was Hoss and Topo Gigio singing a duet of \u201cShortnin\u2019 Bread.\u201c They even had to do an encore. The concert was successful in raising sufficient funds for the burial of the conjoined triplets, Maxine, Patti and Laverne who Adam, Hoss and Joe had been dating when they died.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe also have some grand and yummy sugar free lo carb, fruitless, fat free non dairy cheez kake?\u201c the barista suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does that taste like?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked. For a moment he was tempted, but just for a moment. He was a strong and manly cowboy and not easily tempted but it had been a loooooooong dessert-less trek across the desert (or was that desert-less trek across the dessert?)\u00a0 and he was longing for a bit of something to fill the empty void in his stomach and the ache of loneliness in his heart and the cavity in his left molar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does that taste like?\u201d\u00a0 the gal repeated nervously eyeing the handsome cattle baron in front of her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, my Pa said what does it taste like\u2026this grand and yummy sugar free lo carb, fruitless, fat free non dairy cheez kake?\u201d Little Joe leaned over the bevel edged granite-topped bar hoping to surreptitiously catch a glimpse of the girl\u2019s unmentionables. This barista was awfully pretty, far prettier than Miss Kitty over at the Longbranch saloon or Phoebe at Central Perk. Maybe, Joe thought,\u00a0 he should cut to the chase and propose to the barista right off? Why waste time?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah! What does it taste like?\u201d Adam raised his eyebrow and slid his hand over his holstered pistol\u2026just in case. \u201cTell the truth or it will be the last lie you tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does that taste like?\u201d\u00a0 the gal repeated nervously. \u201cEver eat Styrofoam that a cat peed on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot recently,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cBut there was this time I had amnesia and lived with those Dutch people for a week or so being called Heinrich, so I don\u2019t know for sure what I ate during that time. They made me wear a dang fool wooly hat as well!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBet you looked real cute in it, Hossie Wossie!\u201c the girl batted her eyelashes at Hoss. She loved his duet with Topo Gigio.<\/p>\n

\u201cAwww SHUCKS!\u201c Hoss blushed even though he knew it was a lie. The hat made him look pretty dopey and even worse, made his hair all static-y. Each time he touched anyone, they got a shock. It was fun for awhile sneaking up behind his brothers and shocking them, but that fun soon wore off when Adam gave him an atomic wedgie while Joe sucker-punched him. Even Pa said he deserved that one. Hop Sing just stood in the door way and laughed maniacally and juggled his ginsu knives.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, this grand and yummy sugar free lo carb, fruitless, fat free non dairy cheez kake isn\u2019t even that tasty!\u201d she smiled. \u201cHonest!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJust the coffee with Sweet and Lo then, Sugar, \u201c Ben said firmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSugar too? Sweet and lo AND Sugar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cErr, my Pa was just using\u00a0 a terms of endearment,\u201d Adam explained<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

AshleyMaryKate Bluedresskytein was quite perky and studying feng shui and home d\u00e9cor in Virginia City Community College while hoping to make her big break in show business or HGTV or meet a rich cowboy or both. She decided silver haired Ben Cartwright was a trifle too old for her but then again, he was rich rich RICH and had a swell, big huge, large, massive house with numerous rooms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And, if she married Ben Cartwright, she would have three hunky step sons too!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The barista nodded and imagined what it would be to have a step son who was as darkly, dangerously handsome as Adam Cartwright. \u201cOK!\u00a0 I see!\u201d She looked him up and down and down and up and tried to imagine tucking HIM into bed at night like a good stepmother should. She couldn\u2018t keep silent and stared at Adam and said, \u201cOnce upon a time\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAre you OK, Ma\u2019m?\u201d Adam asked thinking the girl was having some sort of swooning faint from the steam in the latte machine.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCoffee with Sweet and Lo coming right up, Mr. Cartwright,\u201c\u00a0 she said quickly catching herself.<\/p>\n

\u201cYep, lots of coffee\u2026and some cinnamon too,\u201d smiled Ben cordially at the charming young lady. \u201cDoes cinnamon have calories?\u201c<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u201cNo, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled paternally at the sweet barista. Why couldn\u2019t one of his sons cave in and get married?\u00a0 By the time Adam, Hoss or Joe roped a nice, attentive gal like that he would be ancient, older than dirt and probably ready to move to the retired cattle baron\u2018s home and eat early bird specials and\u00a0 play bingo for match sticks. At the rate those boys were going, his grandchild\u2019s delivery would be covered by not-yet-invented Medicare<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a HOT chocolate for me!\u201d said Joe. \u201dHOT hot hot!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHot? Like you, honey?\u201d said AshleyMaryKate Bluedressky, eyeing Joe Cartwright up and down. She loved his bright emerald green eyes and long lashes and poofy hair. She fanned herself with her order pad. Joe Cartwright would be a swell stepson too. She could comfort him if he had nightmares and help him take a bath just like a good stepmom should. They could play with his rubber ducky together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDecaf Mocha Java,\u201d said Adam. \u201cBlack! Full to the top!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWOWza!\u201c AshleyMaryKate Bluedressky sighed as she\u00a0 handed Adam the scalding cup and the steam condensed on his handsome forehead giving him a sweaty glow. \u201cFull to the top for the furchesthottie?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam winked. She interpreted that as flirting but the wink was really a blink because some of the condensing droplets ran into his left eye almost dislodging his not yet invented contact lens. Adam didn\u2019t really need contact lenses, Joe did. Little Joe was a trifle nearsighted and wanted to make his greenish eyes vividly green like the bottoms of Heiniken bottles. Pa, being an equitable man, purchased Adam and Hoss contact lenses as well. One for all and all for one.<\/p>\n

\u201cPie, Poopsie?\u201d\u00a0 AshleyMaryKate Bluedressky\u00a0 winked back flirtatiously and licked her lips.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cNo thanks, M\u2019am.\u201d Why was he such a babe magnet when he had so much to do and so little time?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, Mr. Cartwright? Pie?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo pie. Have any liggonberry carob chip high fiber cookies?\u201d Ben wiped the moisture off Adam\u2019s brow with the tail of his very own official Cattle Baron earth tone cattle baron shirt. He was a very helpful, generous, wise and caring father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNope\u2026only pie, and yummy sugar free lo carb, fruitless, fat free non dairy cheez kake\u201d purred the gal. She leaned over the counter so the tall, dark handsome cowboys could eye her ample, yet pert cleavage. \u201cGuess you boys are full?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFull, like my wallet and your bustle, Baby,\u201d Adam said tucking his father\u2019s shirt back into his cowboy trousers. He was a very helpful son. \u201cBlack. No sugar. Black. No pie.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss took a big sip of his latte and came up with a whipped cream moustache. Ben spit on his official Cattle Baron bandana and wiped off his largest son\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cOH Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Hoss protested. He squirmed and tried to get away from Ben but his father had a good grasp on Hoss\u2019s neck and held fast. He was tempted to try all those desserts but didn\u2019t want to appear a chazah. (editor\u2019s note: \u201cChazah\u201d is a Paiute term for pig)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGee, Hoss. If we are going to meet my long lost pal, who only wrote yesterday, when the stage comes in, I want my boys to look presentable. And unstick your pants from your boots too, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, you look like Smokey the Bear!\u201d Joe guffawed. Hoss backhanded him and Joe bounced off his Pa, spilling his skim milk decaf latte onto his official leather Cattle Baron vest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHe looks adorable to moi! All of you look adorable!\u201c Conniving AshleyMaryKate\u00a0 smiled longingly at Hoss. She would love a fine hunky yet cuddly stepson like Hoss. She could brush his tufty hair and have him carry heavy things for her like a good stepmother should.\u00a0 Then she could measure his in-seam and sew him new cowboy trousers. He would need many fittings alone with her in the sewing room of the fine big large Ponderosa Ranch.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey!\u201d Joe started swinging at Hoss and leaped over a tipped faux Formica table. Two burly men, Badlands Pete and Nasty McGurk had their steamy caffinated drinks spilled on their laps and their liggonberry pie slammed to the floor with a red splat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

SPLAaaaaaaaT<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\u201d shrieked AshleyMaryKate in a vibrato that vibrated off the hard surfaces in Starbucks, shattering the plate glass window and Pete\u2019s left eardrum. For the next five seasons of Bonanza, the sound men inserted that screaming sound bite in every time they needed the scream of a screaming woman.<\/p>\n

\u201cGol dang!\u201d Pete screamed as his steaming cappuccino scalded his infrequently washed crotch. He had forgotten to put on his own trousers that morning when he strapped on his chaps, an easy mistake when you think about it. \u201cI sure love liggonberry pie but hate to have hot drinks land in my nether regions! YOWCh! I\u2018m a gonna call my lawyer, Lionel Hutz, and sue ya!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll get YOU!\u201d Nasty shouted drawing his six-gun. He aimed simultaneously at Hoss and Joe.<\/p>\n

“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let\u2019s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution,”\u00a0 Ben said calmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKiss and make up and spritz a bit of this lavender water on yourselves so you don\u2019t smell so much like cattle.\u201d Adam pulled a small traveling container of Yardley Lavender Travel Spritz from his Louis Vuitton saddlebag and handed it to Joe.<\/p>\n

“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room,\u201d said Hoss, doing that little tap dancing jig folks do when they have had a bit too much latte and were born with the smallest bladder in the Cartwright family. Hoss was a large fellow but had that notorious teeny, tiny, low capacity Borgstrom bladder. The small bladder and an allergy to lima beans ran in his mother\u2019s family. Uncle Gunnar had that teeny bladder and it caused loads of troubles when he was a member of the Vildah Chaya Comanchero Gang .<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Soon the sheriff came by and broke up the fist fest with a shout of \u201cBREAK UP THIS FIST FEST FIESTA!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By the time the combatants were sorted out, the men all realized that poor AshleyMaryKate Bluedressky was lay dead on the tile floor of Starbucks, a shattered piece of shattered porcelain liggonberry pie plate pierced the posterior of her pituitary gland.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter Two – Wild West Geometry <\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Later that afternoon, after a quick, brief, yet tragically sad funeral for AshleyMaryKate Bluedresskyky, the Cartwrights happened upon a wagon train under silent attack by a horde of rogue mimes.<\/p>\n

“MIMES!\u201d shouted Ben. He had a love\/hate relationship with mimes. They were irritating and annoying but he truly admired Marcel Marceau.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMimes!\u201d shouted Joe and Hoss kicking their horses into a gallop and shooting their guns.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!” Adam Cartwright loved to spout off factoids. \u201cWho said you will never use that geometry they made you take in school?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot me!\u201d said Pa proudly. He glared at Little Joe who was well known for his reluctant scholar awards from the Virginia City School system.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIrregular what?\u201d Hoss squirmed hoping Adam wasn\u2019t referring to that lima bean allergy or that infamous incident with the outhouse at the Sazarak.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA circle! A circle will do!\u201d Ben roared. The frightened settlers frantically tried to do what the Cartwrights ordered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For anyone who wants to know more about dodecagons and other fun math facts check out:<\/em> http:\/\/mathworld.wolfram.com\/Dodecahedron.html<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter Three – Wagon Train<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With the help of the Cartwrights, the wagon train fought off the mimes who silently rode off over the hills with a few stolen pleathers and naugas.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what we would have done without you!\u201d said Major Seth Adams (played by Ward Bond), the wagonmaster of the wagon train. \u201cWe only lost three wagons and a few head of pleathers and that wagon load of pretty gals in pert blue calico dresses. Them mimes burned Mr. Zippy\u2018s wagon and durn near scalped him but his wife\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMissus Zippy?\u201d Mark Twain said writing down the details for a newspaper story.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYep, Missus Zippy. She came smacked them mimes with her not yet invented Kareoke machine. Then she played the new Dixie Chick\u2019s CD and scared them off. We couldn\u2018t have beat them mimes back if\u2018n you Cartwrights hadn\u2018t happened by,\u201d said Ward Bond. \u201cLove them Dixie Chicks!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust doing the right thing,\u201d said Ben, modestly shaking the wagonmaster\u2019s hands. \u201cAs always!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss nodded in agreement as he finished digging the grave for the fourteen young ladies. He was getting real good at this stuff. He shook hands with the wagonmaster just as Miss Jones, his teacher and social skills coach, had taught him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe better be heading on home,\u201c Ben said checking his not yet invented wrist watch. \u201cHop Sing is making fondue for dinner and I am fond of fondue.\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cFonda? Henry? Jane? Or Peter?\u201d the wagon master asked, scratching the mime bite on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sighed, ignoring the stupid question.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf\u2019n you folks want, Pa will give you a chunk of land and a cabin, like he does to anyone we save each week,\u201d Hoss offered generously. \u201cAnd a gallon bucket of fondue for each man, woman and child!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks!\u201d said Wagonmaster Ward Bond. \u201cSome of these folks have dreams of raising naugahides for LaZboy lounge chairs and Chevy seat covers. And they ain\u2019t much fonda fondue.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the rest?\u201d Mark Twain asked taking copious notes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLooking for gold?\u201d suggested Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSearching for banandine?\u201d Adam asked. He remembered those tales of Woodstock Pa had told him on their way west as well as the website.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(Editor\u2019s note: Check it out! If you thought learning about Adah Menkin and math was raucous:<\/em> http:\/\/digilib.nypl.org\/dynaweb\/digs\/wwm9717\/@Generic__BookView<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a0was interesting, this will be even trippier:
\n<\/em>http:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20031011040711\/http:\/\/pigmeat.customer.netspace.net.au\/7\/banana.html<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cNo! We are going to Disneyland!\u201d shouted the settlers gleefully as they roped the last of the pleathers and naugas who had run off during the battle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCareful folks, heard tell them mimes like Disney World,\u201d Hoss warned. One of the few things he recalled of his amnesiac stay with the Dutch couples was watching their vacation videos from Florida. He could never get the tune of \u201cIt\u2019s a Small World \u201c out of his head. Adam suspected that was how they brainwashed him into forgetting his family.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHeck! It don\u2019t matter much to us,\u201d said one of the settlers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe tugged on Ben\u2019s vest. \u201cPa? Ain\u2019t that what the Donner party said when they took off too late in the season?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sighed and shook his head. \u201cFools.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFools for sure, Pa. They should have pulled the wagons into an irregular dodecagon like I said,\u201d Adam muttered cynically.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For a better explanation of dodecagons look here:<\/em><\/p>\n

http:\/\/mathworld.wolfram.com\/Dodecagon.html<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe agreed. \u201cMaybe you wouldn\u2019t have lost the entire load of gals. Maybe there would have been a couple left.\u201d He pitched the last shovel of dirt on the grave and shook the wagonmaster\u2019s hand as well. Ben\u2019s boys had exceptionally good manners and could throw together a swell funeral at a moment\u2019s notice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s done is done, son,\u201d Ben said, putting his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

A single tear trickled down Joe\u2019s cheek as a speck of dirt went under his contact lens and he remembered the fierce battle with the mimes. He was shooting his six gun with his left hand and had his right arm wrapped around the waist of a scrumptious blue calico dressed gal he had just met and was proposing to her and she was killed by a silently invisible mime arrow. That happened fourteen times in a half hour until there were no girls left. Maybe the settlers should have listened to Adam about that dodecagon business and a few of those gals might have survived at least until the weekly barn dance\/engagement party\/funeral on Saturday night. Joe wiped his adorably sad nose on his green corduroy sleeve. He sure wished he had a slice of that liggonberry pie or even the yummy sugar free lo carb, fruitless, fat free non dairy cheez kake now or at least a gal or maybe both.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJest be careful as you ride home. I heard it through the grapevine that Badlands Pete and Nasty McGurk are out gunning for you Cartwrights,\u201d said wagon train scout Flint McCulloch, who was wearing a strange, neatly pressed buckskin skirt with crisscrossed laces on the front. He was an extremely fine looking young man with perfect looking hair and clean fingernails. Wagonmaster Ward Bond was not too fond of him and wondered what kind of a scout Flint was that he was so clean and had such perfectly perfect hair despite hair dryers not being invented. The Wagonmaster always suspected Flint was in league with the mimes or the Beagle Boys from over in Duckville but never could prove it. Things were always a bit awkwardly uncomfortable between the wagonmaster and Flint McCulloch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Years later, the scout rode off into the sunset and other than a few rumors that he was roaming around with amnesia calling himself Shenandoah or playing in musical theatre. Adam was secretly jealous.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you go worrying about us, you too clean sissy scouting guy!\u201d Joe challenged. After loosing 14 fianc\u00e9es in less than an hour, the handsome youngest Cartwright was itching for a fight as well as cranky from unrequited love and heat rash.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCool off, Little Joe!\u201d Adam said holding his brother back by one arm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah! Adam kin out sing that sissy scout any time.\u201d Hoss added grabbing Joe\u2018s other arm. \u201cMe and Topo Gigio too!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t we schedule a sing-off?\u201d Twain proposed even though no one was listening to him. \u201cHow about next Tuesday? We can do the score of\u00a0 that Broadway hit \u2018Big River\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s ride,\u201d said Ben, growing irritated with Mark Twain\u2018s intrusion.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam helped Joe to round up the horses\u00a0 who, encouraged by Cochise, were all having a cup of coffee at the wake for the fourteen dead girls and they set off for the MASSIVE (like themselves) Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter Four – Bad Lands Pete<\/u><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As it got dark, a few miles away from the wagon train, the villains, Badlands Pete and the Beagle Boys Gang from Duckberg lay in wait behind some huge papiermache boulders. They were waiting to\u00a0 set upon the weary Cartwrights. They had robbed Scrooge Mc Duck\u2019s famous money bin and grabbed Clara Cluck and Daisy Duck as hostages. The two female prisoners knew their gooses was cooked but didn\u2019t let their feathers get ruffled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Badlands Pete and the Beagle Boys bushwhacked the Cartwrights. The bad guys threw sand in the eyes of all the Cartwrights and their horses simultaneously.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBawk bawk bawk!\u201d Clara and Daisy squawked with fear.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Before they could fight back, the gang of outlaws caught the Cartwrights and held them at gunpoint.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s kill \u2018em!\u201d said Cactus Carl.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah!\u201d agreed evil Beagle Boy number 167-76.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s kill them and their horses too!\u201d added Nasty Mc Gurk. He was still perturbed by being bested at the Starbucks by Hoss and Joe. (remember that?)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs Goofy a dog or a horse?\u201d said Beagle Boy number 167-76.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI think he is a dog,\u201d answered Daisy Duck.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pluto is a dog and Goofy wears pants!\u201d said Nasty Mc Gurk.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShut up! The Cartwrights are coming up the trail\u201d ordered Cactus Carl.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cKill \u2018em and the horses and steal their land and their money and spit on them!\u201c said Badlands Pete.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd kill their little cute dog!\u201d screamed the Wicked Witch of the West who was flying by.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYeah! The little cute one first!\u201c\u00a0 Mc Gurk said, eyeing Little Joe. He was still perturbed by being bested at the Starbucks by Hoss and Joe and besides his scalded crotch still hurt like the Dickens.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(Editors note: Remember Charles Dickens once visited the Cartwrights? )<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben glared Ben-like at the villains and said something about following the bad guys to hell or Chuckie Cheese or Pastrami King if they harmed any of his boys. \u201cThere won\u2019t be no cave dark enough to hide you miscreants!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHar har har!\u201d sneered the outlaws. \u201cYou will never find us in Chuckie Cheese! We will hide in the ball pit!!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will find you there too!\u201d growled Ben. \u201cHell…the ball pit\u2026Duckberg, Vegas,\u00a0 Death Valley or even the lady\u2019s try-on room at Victoria\u2018s Secret in the Virginia City Mall on the Saturday before Mother\u2019s Day!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWOW!\u201d All the outlaws and Cartwrights were impressed and delighted by that image. All the men froze in place for a real long prairie moment, visualizing that image of a crowded lingerie store for a few minutes before they resumed the battle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly Hoss stepped forward and spoke up. “Y’know, Badlands Pete… a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you ‘n’ me… what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?” Hoss suggested quickly. \u201cHow about the mambo or the hora?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cSounds like a great idea, Hoss!\u201d He carefully estimated how fast he could Kung Foo all the outlaws and clobber them real good. He was secretly taking kung foo lessons from Hop Sing in exchange for teaching Hoppy to crochet.<\/p>\n

Adam knew Hoss was bravely going to distract the outlaws with his confusing outburst so the rest of them could escape. No one could dance a jig like his brother Hoss. Even though Hoss was a very large man, he was deceptively light on his feet. He had taken dancing lessons from Topo Gigio. Hoss smiled seductively and stepped between the bandit and his prisoners.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA jig? How about the TANGO!?!?\u201d Badlands Pete closed one eye trying to imagine Hoss in a rhinestone gown. It was a disturbing image but he could go with it if Hoss shaved his back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Beagle Boys were dumbstruck. They never realized that Badland\u2019s Pete liked dancing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat purse should I use if I wear my turquoise taffeta, Hosssie Wossie Wossie Poo Dahlink?\u201c Pete asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cTurquoise taffeta?\u201d the Beagle Boys shuddered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWill you bring me a corsage, Hossie?\u201c Pete smiled flirtatiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t a wristlet more practical?\u201d one of the Beagles suggested. Distracted by thoughts of what accessories he should use with his own gown, Pete let down his guard, giving Adam just enough time to draw and blast Pete. Pete\u00a0 was eventually buried in that taffeta gown in the Virginia City Boot Hill.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Adam!\u201d Hoss grinned. \u201cI sure wasn\u2019t about to give up my date with Bessie Sue Hightower for Badlands Pete.<\/p>\n

\u201cBesides, that rhinestone gown in drycleaner!\u201d Hop Sing pointed out as he rode up with Sheriff Coffee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Yep, the title explains this story.<\/p>\n

Rating: T (4,165 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":14367,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Things You'll Never Hear in a Western Movie (by Robin)","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15593","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15593","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=15593"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15593\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14367"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=15593"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=15593"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=15593"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}