{"id":15595,"date":"2002-11-05T15:27:52","date_gmt":"2002-11-05T20:27:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15595"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:12","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:12","slug":"twins-separated-at-birth-by-robin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15595","title":{"rendered":"Twins… Separated at Birth (by Robin)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>:\u00a0 Oh, please.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Not them!<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (7,340 words)<\/p>\n

Author’s Note:<\/strong> \u00a0The REALLY Losts are satires of the series written with much affection, eye rolling,\u00a0\u00a0and winks. \u00a0And can be somewhat risque’.<\/em><\/p>\n

Twins\u2026 Separated at Birth<\/strong>
\nA REALLY Lost Episode<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A tale told in many parts including RECIPES (no commercials)<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dedicated to Puchi and Lillian, my pals, without whom this tale would never have unfolded\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Please note: No naugas have been killed for seat covers in this story. Don\u2019t try these stunts at home, kids; save the pie tossing and eye poking for professionals.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam reveals a revelation<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Tis a long sad tale,” sighed Adam Cartwright. \u201cA LONG sad tale.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss frowned. He was hoping to dig into the special dinner Hop Sing had prepared for their special guests, Lillian and Puchi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI love long sad tales!\u201d Little Joe said, slicing some raw onion into his salad hoping to make his eyes tear. He was so cute when he cried.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Why?” Hoss asked reaching for the bowl of kasha and varnishkas that Lillian had lovingly prepared for the Cartwrights. \u201cWhy is it sad? Why does it have to be long?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause Adam said it was!\u201d Ben decided. \u201cAnd Little Joe is already crying!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a tale of a family divided,\u201d Adam said. \u201cAnd two sisters raised apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut reunited!\u201d Ben smiled and squeezed Puchi\u2019s hand to his left and Lillian\u2019s hand to his right. \u201cThis is so wonderful!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI can cry!\u201d Joe sniffled. Puchi handed Little Joe a hanky. His lower lip trembled and he forced himself to smile and take her hanky \u201cThanks, Ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Eat!” Lillian urged everyone, especially her newly discovered twin Puchi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Thanks!” smiled Puchi, digging in to the steaming bowl Hoss passed to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo how did you two wind up separated?\u201d Ben asked from the head of the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a long sad tale,\u201d Adam repeated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“What do you mean, a long sad tale?” Little Joe asked his older brother.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTell it all, Adam!\u201d Hoss urged. \u201cFrom the beginning!\u201d It didn\u2019t matter now how long the long-winded story was as Lillian had said it was ok to eat. Hoss couldn\u2019t take one of Adam\u2019s yarns on an empty stomach but since Lillian said they could start dinner, Hoss was happy. He could eat and listen to one of Adam\u2019s long-winded tales.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Well, it all started when gypsies came to Brooklyn….” Adam said slathering butter on some of the corn bread Puchi had baked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Brooklyn? Gypsies?” Joe eyes lit up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright shuddered nervously. He had hoped that Little Joe had totally forgotten Tirza and her fluorescent orange skirt and the moonlight rock of love. “Er, pass the cheese blintzes… and the noodle-icious kugel.”<\/p>\n

“Love that yummy kugel!” Hoss said. “What does this all have to do with gypsies, Adam?”<\/p>\n

“Well, one day, when Puchi and Lillian were new born babies, their mother went shopping at Macy’s.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike the Macy\u2019s where they have the Thanksgiving parade?\u201d Joe and Hoss asked. It was a tradition on the Ponderosa for all the boys to watch the Thanksgiving parade on not-yet-invented television while they peeled potatoes and smashed mini marshmallows onto the sweet potato casserole. Joe loved the big balloons. Adam loved the marching bands and Hoss always choked up when Santa rode up at the end.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGo on with the long sad story, Adam,\u201d Ben urged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cTheir father was supposed to watch the newborn twins but wanted to go to the Polo Grounds to see the Dodgers play baseball,\u201d Adam said. He took a sip of the heavy Malaga wine.<\/p>\n

“Polo?” Joe asked. \u201cOn ponies?\u201d<\/p>\n

“No, baseball,” Hoss corrected. \u201cOn feet.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Then why was it called the Polo Grounds?” Joe argued. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t they call it the feet grounds?\u201d<\/p>\n

“Just eat and let older brother tell the sad tale.” Hoss poked Joe in the ribs with his elbow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOOoff,\u201d said Joe exhaling sharply. He reached up and slapped Hoss in the head and then Adam poked Joe in the eye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStop! Stop! You are being foolish stooges!\u201d Lillian gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOy!\u201d gasped Puchi as Joe picked up the butter knife, swung it at Adam and sliced his lovely pompadour into bangs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next episode: Family Secrets<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey! You messed up my hair!\u201d Adam protested. Then he poked both Joe and Hoss in the eyes with his spoon.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, get a tooo pee like me!\u201d Hoss suggested, hitting Joe in the face with a conveniently misplaced cream pie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStop!\u201d Both Lillian and Puchi ordered.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Ma\u2019ams!\u201d The three Cartwright boys smiled. Each of them hit themselves in the face with a pie just to even things out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNyaat nayaat nayaat!\u201d Hoss snickered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Go on, son,\u201d Ben nodded and gave his younger sons a sharp look. \u201cKeep your elbows to yourself, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Well, the adorably adorable twins were sound asleep,” Adam started.<\/p>\n

“Puchi and Lillian?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n

“Yes,” Ben nodded. \u201cTwins\u2026. Sometimes people have twins and never know about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs this FORESHADOWING???\u201d Hop Sing thought to himself. \u201cCould Mister Cartwright have found out about his twin Jackie Chan? Or could Ben Cartwright be ready to spill the beans about his own twin sons who were kept secret for decades? They were the products of Doc Martin\u2019s misdirected cloning experiment. Only Hoppy knew the secret, having stumbled upon it years earlier. Ben Cartwright swore him to secrecy and had not-yet-invented cable TV installed in Hop Sing’s never-shown-on screen bedroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIs this Pa\u2019s way of telling us the TRUTH about him?\u201d Hoss thought to himself as he munched on another portion of pipik stew. \u201cIs Pa going to tell us about his secret twin brother Adama, the leader of Battle Star Galactica?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss had discovered the secret when he snuck into Hoppy\u2019s bedroom one night when Hop Sing was at a late Feng Shui class. Hoss loved the Sci Fi channel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHmmm\u2026 could Pa be hinting at Cousin Will\u2019s twin, Zorro?\u201d Adam thought to himself as he chowed down on some of Lillian\u2019s homemade chopped liver. Adam had discovered this family secret when he paid Cousin Will to take Laura Dayton off his hands. Adam had to do a swan dive off the house he was building to make it look real.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“So the father figured he could leave them alone, sleeping, while he scooted over to the Polo grounds…”<\/p>\n

“Why did they play baseball on the Polo Grounds?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ignoring the persistent question, Adam continued. “Unfortunately, the game went into extra innings… Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth had some sort of fight with Yogi Berra over a bottle of Yoo Hoo chocolate drink.”<\/p>\n

“Darling sister, when will you start spelling your name correctly? Mama always said it was Lily Ann. She wanted us to be alike . . . though I don’t think she had computer expertise in mind,” said Puchi Ann.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“I knew there was a reason I was not a polo fan,” Lillian added. “And why don’t you spell your name Puchian?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you spell your name Lilly Ann?\u201d Puchi countered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd why don\u2019t you spell yours PUCHIAN!!!??\u201d Lillian glared.<\/p>\n

“Girls, girls!” Ben held up his hands. “Don’t fight!”<\/p>\n

“Pa, sisters, even sisters separated at birth, have their little set-tos and spats!” Hoss said devouring a third helping of potato kugel as Little Joe shoveled his fifth portion of kasha and varnishes into his plate.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Go on with the story, Adam,” Ben said, paternally wiping sour cream off Little Joe’s adorable chin with his bandana and straightening Adam\u2019s newly cut bangs and simultaneously digging lemon meringue out of Hoss\u2019 left ear. A father\u2019s job is never done and Ben was the bestest of fathers, both in the west but in the east too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Well…. the father of Lillian and Puchi Ann went to the baseball game\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the subway?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cHe figured he would get back before the twin infants awoke up or his wife got home but the game went into extra innings and the subway got stalled.”<\/p>\n

“Oy!” gasped Lillian and Puchi in unison.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere was a flood in the tunnel under Flatbush Avenue. It caved in. Eventually Mayor Lindsay hired Philip Diedershiemer to straighten out the entire system.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPhil is a swell guy! A real mench!\u201d Lillian kvelled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t we already hear this part of the story?\u201d Joe said impatiently. He kicked Hoss under the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss said \u201cOOOOF!\u201d and spit out his borsht which splattered in a mauve stain on the table cloth.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou stop spitting or I go back China!\u201d Hop Sing roared in his phony comedic accent. In reality, Hop Sing spoke quite well but his father, Charley Chan (hence his secret twin brother Jackie Chan) had instructed his number two son, Jimmy Chan, to speak in a foolish accent when in his secret undercover identity as Hop Sing. Eventually, Charlie hoped that Jimmy could find vital clues to the secret cloning factory that Doc Martin was operating for evil oil interests in Washington\u2026..but that is another story.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but I keep getting interrupted!\u201d Adam pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he pulled a chunk of pie filling out of his left nostril and flung it across the table where is splattered across Joe\u2019s shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cHEY!\u201d Joe said ripping off his soiled shirt and thrilling Susan Grote as well as many other fans.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

And now, Twins: The Separation<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t interrupt your brother, Adam!\u201d Lillian chided.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Then what happened?” Puchi asked. She wanted to hear all the details of the long sad tale that Adam told.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Well, the twin girl babies awoke and started to cry and wail just as a gypsy caravan passed the house on their way to Bensonhurst to see Ralph Kramden. You see, he was the head of the Raccoon Lodge and had hired the gypsies to play the violin at a Lodge fundraiser.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour mothers all loved gypsy violinists. All three of them,” Ben sighed. \u201cBesides dying, they had their loves of gypsy violins in common.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, they died and left you wonderful sons to raise!\u201d Puchi reminded Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cWonderful and handsome sons!\u201d Lillian added as she admired Ben\u2019s boys.<\/p>\n

Even with his bad haircut and the bangs that made him look like Buster Brown or one of the Beatles, Adam was still quite handsome.<\/p>\n

“What did the gypsies do?” Joe barechestedly leaned his elbows on the table.<\/p>\n

“Elbows, Joseph!” Ben corrected. \u201cAnd go get a shirt when you are sitting at the table. Susan Grote and all those women will be pounding on the door in a minute. Hop Sing tossed Little Joe a pin striped shirt with garters \u201cPut on shirt or I go back to China!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe put on the shirt and removed his elbows from the table just as Adam pulled off his boots and slammed his feet on the table. A borsht ladle flipped up into the air and knocked the candles over and set Joe\u2019s hair on fire. Hoss dumped a pitcher of lemonade over Joe\u2019s head in the nick of time but not before his lovely curls were burned off the top of his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cHar har! Nyuk nyuk!” Hoss laughed. \u201cNow you look bald like me! You can get a too pee too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHar har!” Adam laughed and poked Joe in the eye with his finger.<\/p>\n

\u201cYOWch!\u201d Joe wailed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cQuiet down!\u201d Hop Sing ordered, mopping up the massive mess. Undercover detective work was messy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben said not a word as he knew there was no way he would hear the end of the tale of Puchi Ann and Lillian if he interrupted Adam to correct his table manners. Adam wasn\u2019t even wearing socks and his toenails needed trimming.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

EEEEwwww<\/p>\n

“Adam! Feet off the table!!” Lillian and Puchi snapped in unison.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“YES MA’AM!” Adam saluted and put his feet down and put his boots back on. He loved assertive women.<\/p>\n

“How rude!” said Kimmy Gibbler and Michelle Tanner, who had joined them for dinner. They had been working on their science fair project for school and were investigating Doc Martin\u2019s secret cloning lab. (I guess it wasn\u2019t much of a secret?)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want a pedicure?\u201d Puchi offered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNot right now, your Puchi-ness. Thanks.\u201d Adam winked. \u201cPerhaps, later, when we are ALONE.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Go on, Adam,” Joe said attempting to ignore Kimmy Gibbler grabbing his thigh under the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“How RUDE!!!” said Hoss and Little Michelle Tanner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWho cares!\u201d Kimmy countered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do!\u201d Joe spat back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“The Gypsy King, Rudolph, spied the twins through the window, and before you could say Chicken Parikash, he snagged the two babies and tossed them in the back of the gypsy wagon. They headed for Bensonhurst. Just as they went past the corner of Flatbush Avenue and Church Avenue, they hit a bump and one of the babies bounced out!”<\/p>\n

“OH MY! Which baby bounced?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Puchi,” Adam said sipping his heavy Malaga and dunking his biscuit in the gravy. \u201cShe was a bit bouncier!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike a knaidlach!\u201d Hoss said. (Author\u2019s note: A knaidlach is a matzoh ball — a soup dumpling made from matzoh meal — and some people make them fluffy and some make them bouncy. Hoss was a connoisseur of kosher cuisine. For your very own recipe, see the end of this endless tale.)<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Go on, Adam,” Joe said still attempting to ignore Kimmy Gibbler grabbing his thigh under the table. \u201cWhat happened to King Rudolph?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was later elected mayor of New York City, despite his hairdo,\u201d Adam said. \u201cHe had a comb over.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss guffawed. Ben rolled his eyes and Adam snickered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLike you should talk,\u201d Joe reprimanded. He fluffed his thick curly hair with his fork and admired his handsome reflection in the silver water pitcher.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph! Don\u2018t comb your hair at the table!\u201d Ben shook his head. His dead wife Marie would die if she saw the crude manners her adorable son had, despite Ben\u2018s best efforts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“How RUDE!!!” said Little Michelle Tanner.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOy! Who knew I was born Jewish?\u201d sighed Puchi.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did!\u201d Hoss exclaimed. Folks never believed how intuitive about discerning people\u2019s origins from their accents and mannerisms. He knew Mayor Rudy was a gypsy and that Roy Coffee played football in Michigan with the Mishugina Wolverines and that Chief Winnemucca had a cousin who was wanted by Elliot Ness. Hoss also knew that it was a crime to rip the tags off a pillow but no one had ever been convicted.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll this time I thought I was an Okie (part Cherokee, even) and that Darling Lily Ann was the one who got snatched!” Puchi Ann said. \u201cOY!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOy is also a Cherokee term,\u201d Ben Cartwright explained. \u201cChief Winnemucca explained that to me the night Little Joe took his daughter Princess Sarah to the prom. The Chief said, \u2018OY! It is almost midnight and if your son wants to keep his kahones, he better have my little girl home in five minutes!’\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOY!\u201d said Adam and Hoss. Despite his shenanigans, they both loved their brother and definitely wanted him to retain his kahones.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid he?\u201d Lillian asked nervously. She was very fond of Little Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI sure did! I didn\u2019t want to lose my kahones!\u201d Joe grinned. \u201cPa always said we should guard our family jewels.\u201d<\/p>\n

“What happened to Puchi?” asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

“Puchi bounced a few times and rolled down hill into a passing boat.” Lillian explained.<\/p>\n

“A boat?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Yes, it was one of Abel Stoddard’s ships,” explained Ben. He gave Kimmy Gibbler a dirty look. She was making moves on Joe and there was no way Ben Cartwright wanted her as a daughter-in- law. Kimmy made Tirza look attractive. “Kimmy, how would you like a new blue dress? We have a big rack of them in the barn,” Ben said.<\/p>\n

“A new dress!?!?! Wooo wooo!” Kimmy leaped to her feet, unhanded Joe’s thigh and dashed to the barn. Joe sighed. He was relieved his kahones were now safe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Pa!\u201d Joe said gratefully. \u201cYou saved me!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOf course! That\u2019s a Pa\u2019s job, son!\u201d Ben smiled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!\u201d laughed Hoss and Adam.<\/p>\n

“Lock the door and load my shot gun, Hop Sing. Don\u2018t make a mistake,” Ben said in an even voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing rushed to the gun case near the fire place. \u201cYes sir!\u201d There was no way Hoppy wanted Kimmy to marry any Cartwright. As my father, Charlie Chan once said \u201cAdvice after mistake is like medicine after dead man’s funeral<\/a>\u201d (Charlie Chan Carries On <\/em>– 1931)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour father? Charlie Chan?\u201d Adam raised his eyebrow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c\u201cI load shot gun quick!\u201d Hop Sing ran off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“So Puchi was on Abel Stoddard’s boat?” Hoss said hoping Adam would finish
\nthis awfully long story.<\/p>\n

“Yes,” Adam nodded. “The ship sailed right around the tip of Florida…”<\/p>\n

“Did they go to Disney World!?” Hoss asked. He loved Disney World. His favorite ride was \u201cIt\u2019s a Small World\u201d with all the cute little singing and dancing dolls. He liked Space Mountain too. He also loved to visit Parrot Land. It wasn’t as slick as Disney but he always cracked up when he saw the parrots perform in little costumes. He hoped to teach the chickens on the Ponderosa to wear suits and drive miniature motorcycles over the winter when things were slow.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“No, they got caught in a hurricane and ran aground in Texas. And the gypsies left Brooklyn,” Adam said helping himself to some pickled herring.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAw shucks!\u201d Hoss frowned. Not only was he sad about the gypsies leaving Brooklyn but Adam had speared the most succulent piece of pickled herring in the bowl.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Never to perform for the Raccoons!\u201d Ben sighed. \u201cAdah Menkin performed for the Raccoons. She told me herself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, they did stop off at the neon polyester factory to buy fabric for skirts and bandanas,\u201d Adam pointed out as he admired the plump pickled herring on his plate. Then he neatly sliced it into eight exact pieces and ate each one. He mopped up the last of the cream sauce with the nub of his bagel. \u201cDelicious as always!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought so,\u201d Lillian agreed. \u201cIt was a good season for herring.\u201d<\/p>\n

“Neon polyester? So that is where Tirza got them cow-shocking, horse-stampeding duds!” Hoss exclaimed. Seeing his father’s angry look at the mention of Joe’s former fianc\u00e9e, Hoss blushed. Ben shook his head vigorously but it was too late.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Tirza? Tirza!” Joe sighed with desire as well as indigestion from eating too much herring and onions. “Now that was a night I remember! Moonlight! Uncoordinated dancing… kisses on the moonlight rock of LOoooOOOVE!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Joseph! We have company! Women and children are at the table!” Ben reprimanded. \u201cNo need to go into details of THAT!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Twins: Mayberry Memories<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSoitenly!\u201d his three stoogey sons agreed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDid you know that Shemp Howard, who was Shemp in the Three Stooges, appeared in the Charlie Chan movie ‘Murder in New York’?” Michelle Tanner mentioned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Eat! Eat!” Lillian and Hop Sing urged, hoping to change the topic. Hop Sing had finished loading the shotgun and stood it next to Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Hop Sing,\u201d Ben nodded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo problem. You shoot Kimmy! Make Hop Sing happy, Mistah Cartlight,\u201d Hop Sing said with a heavy accent. He headed for the kitchen for more herring. \u201cMore herring coming right up, Mr. Adam. Finish story! Finish story!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Princess Sara loves this sort of food!” Joe said. \u201cShe gave her recipe for pot roast to Hop Sing. She signed it \u2018love and knishes\u2019. Isn\u2019t that romantic? \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cVery!\u201d Puchi and Lillian sighed. They both loved romance.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cShe writes to me from college. She loves gourmet grub,\u201d Joe explained.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Does she?” Hoss asked. “One of Adam’s gals did too.”<\/p>\n

“One of my girl friends? Which one?” Adam assumed his brothers were referring to the peddler’s daughter who later married Sheriff Andy Taylor in Mayberry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“MISS JONES!!!” Hoss and Little Joe laughed. Even Ben couldn’t help laughing at that one as Adam turned red and choked. Puchi pounded his back until he stopped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cRemember when Miss Jones first came to town and fell for Adam?\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFell like a ten ton safe hitting Wiley Coyote on his furry head!\u201d Joe giggled.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was all Little Joe\u2019s fault!\u201d Adam argued.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go to the flashback episode!\u201d Ben said. \u201cMiss Jones, Not My Love\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Flash Back: Really Lost Episode Within A Really Lost Episode<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWe got a new teacher this year,” Teeny Tiny Little Joe told his family at the dinner table. \u201cBuster and Mitch told me. She starts next week, just when I go to the fourth grade.\u201d He handed his empty plate to his father for a portion of roast beast.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI certainly hope you try hard to make a good first impression,\u201d Ben urged, putting meat on his plate. \u201cFirst impressions are very important. If you start off on the right foot, I bet you will do much better in school this year.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can I do that?\u201d Joe asked. \u201cHow do I make a good impression?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBe very polite and wash your neck and get a haircut,\u201d Ben suggested.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSpeak grammatically and quote the bard,\u201d Adam suggested, passing the potatoes to Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps you should bring her a welcoming gift,\u201d Hoss suggested adding some potatoes to Little Joe\u2019s plate and passing it to Adam, who added green beans.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow about a bouquet of flowers? You can pick them on your way to school. Speaking from experience, ladies always love flowers,\u201d Adam suggested, not realizing how this would get him into trouble.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds great! I will make a good first impression and school will be real easy for me.\u201d Joe dove into his supper, content that he was stacking the deck in his favor with the new school teacher. If she thought he was a good student, then he could coast the rest of the year.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe was so proud of his clever plan, he told all of his friends, \u201cI am going to make a good first impression and bring the new teacher a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n

His friends Harold, Pete and Buster all agreed and they decided to also bring gifts the first day. Now there all four boys who wanted to be in good terms with their new teacher, Miss Jones.<\/p>\n

They all decided to bring in gifts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIf we butter her up, we won\u2019t get into any trouble when we misbehave!\u201d Joe declared. \u201cJust follow what I do and do the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

First Little Joe presented Miss Jones with his wildflowers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh my! How lovely!\u201d the new teacher exclaimed excitedly. She was so nervous she blathered on and on. \u201cWhere did you get such a nice idea? Are these for me? Where are they from?\u201d<\/p>\n

Little Joe tried to speak but did not want to interrupt the teacher. His father had told him to use his best manners.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOH! I love wildflowers. Where did you pick them? Whose idea was this? Where are they from?<\/p>\n

Little Joe could only answer her first question about who gave him the idea of bringing the teacher a bouquet. \u201cMy older brother Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam? Your oldest brother?” Miss Jones almost swooned. Unfortunately, Miss Jones assumed that the flowers were from Adam Cartwright. \u201cTell your brother I am very flattered.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded and sat down in his seat, relieved that the task was over.<\/p>\n

Next, Buster gave the teacher a box; she shook it and then she smelled it. It smelled like chocolate.<\/p>\n

She knew the boy’s father worked in the mercantile so she asked the boy if it was candy.<\/p>\n

The boy said, yes. Then he added, \u201cIt was Adam Cartwright\u2019s idea!\u201d<\/p>\n

The next boy, Harold Blackburn, gave her the box he had. She shook the box and smelled it. She knew this boy’s father, Harvey Blackburn was a baker.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She asked, \u201cIs this a cake?\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy said, yes and sat down. Then he quickly added what Little Joe had told him to say, \u201cIt was Adam Cartwright\u2019s idea!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright!?!\u201d Miss Jones blushed. Adam Cartwright had sent these children with gifts from him?<\/p>\n

The next boy, Pete, gave her his box, she knew his father, Cosmo worked at the Silver Dollar Saloon as a bartender. Then, mortified she asked, \u201cIs this rum?\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy said, \u201cNo Ma’am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it BEER?\u201d<\/p>\n

The boy said, \u201cNo Ma’am.\u201d<\/p>\n

Miss Jones shook the box and it started to leak. She decided to taste what was leaking out. Then, angrily she said, \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

The Pete said, \u201cIt’s a puppy!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Miss Jones fainted.<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess that means we are dismissed,\u201d Little Joe announced to the class as he stepped over Miss Jones\u2019 prone body.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Two weeks later, Abigail Jones was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class in the Virginia City one-room school house. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read… \u201cAnd Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling.” Miss. Jones then asked the class, “What do you think that farmer said?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe Cartwright raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Hot Damn! A talking chicken!’\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Thanks for the swell story about Little Joe!” Kimmy squealed and jumped up from the table, knocking Puchie’s pea soup off the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“I knew I never liked that Kimmy!” Puchi growled ominously as the soup puddled on the dining room floor just as Hop Sing rushed in with a platter of strawberry short cakes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Ayyyeeee!” Hoppy shrieked as he skidded in the soup puddle.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The cakes spiraled up in the air and fell heavily on Hoss’ head. “Yum! Whipped cream! Nyuk nyuk!” Hoss said good-naturedly as he swiped the white fluff from his sparkling blue eyes. \u201cReal whipped cream! Not Kool Whip!\u201d He offered a glob to Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cDelicious! Lips that touch Kool Whip shall never touch mine!\u201d Adam declared as he hit Hoss over the head with a rubber chicken.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAlas!\u201d said Puchi, a Kool Whip devotee. \u201cThough, my heart does belong to Harvey, my sweetie!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Goldurn you, Kimmy!” Little Joe exploded. He leaped at Kimmy and grabbed her skinny neck. Her eyes bugged out worse than when Laura Dayton was mooned by the Bonner brothers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGaggaaaaakakkakakkaka!\u201d gargled Kimmy as Michelle Tanner said \u201cThat is so rude!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“JOSEPH!” Ben roared as he and Adam tried to unpry Joe’s fingers from Kimmy’s throat. “It’s BLUE DRESS TIME!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBlue Dress Time?\u201d Joe said choking Kimmy.<\/p>\n

“Aakakakkakakakgagaaa!” gasped Kimmy.<\/p>\n

\u201cBlue Dress! Blue Dress!\u201d Adam and Hoss hollered. \u201cBlue Dress Time!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Ayyyeeee!” Hoppy shrieked as he collapsed in the soup puddle. An unobserved matzo ball rolled under the settee.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“OY!” exclaimed the twins Lillian and Puchian (or was that Lilly Ann and Puchi Ann?) “Are you ok, Hop Sing!?!?\u201d<\/p>\n

“Goldurn annoying wacky neighbor girl!” Hoss said, trying to wipe the whipped cream out of his eyes. “You ruined this reunion dinner!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Just then, there was a knock at the door….<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the midst of all the flung strawberry short cake, spilled soup, rolling matzoh balls, Joe throttling Kimmy Gibbler (HOW RUDE!), Hop Sing taking a tumble and calling Jimmy Chang (1-800-ISue4U) on his not-yet-invented cell phone, knocks on the door, and Ben announcing it was “Blue Dress Time” for Kimmy, one of the twins said: “And I had better find out how I made it to Oklahoma and the Cherokees!” Puchi Ann (not Puchiann).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly the room went silent.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Who was at the door???<\/p>\n

“Hellooooo!” called a feminine voice. “Tis I!”<\/p>\n

WHO IS IT????<\/p>\n

“Who is there?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n

“It is me. Kathy, the lawyer. I want all this over and done so I can work on a brief without being distracted!”<\/p>\n

“Or spitting on your not-yet-invented computer terminal as you laugh?” said Hop Sing (aka Jimmy Chan). “Nothing is more annoying to clean up from than saliva stains on a computer screen.”<\/p>\n

“Why?” Lillian asked.<\/p>\n

“Most cleaning products gum up the mouse. My father Charlie Chan said ‘Only very foolish mouse makes nest in cat’s ear’. ”<\/p>\n

“Aha!” said Puchi.<\/p>\n

“So…are you going to finish this never-ending saga?” Kathy asked. “Or do I have to put a restraining order on you Three Stooges!?”<\/p>\n

“Four if you count, Pa,” Hoss said.<\/p>\n

“That’s right!” Ben started to sing. “We got a right to pick a little fight Bonanza! <\/em><\/p>\n


\nIf anyone fights anyone of us
\nHe’s gotta fight with me!<\/em><\/p>\n

We’re not a one to saddle up and run,
\nBonanza!
\nAnyone of us who starts a little fuss
\nknows he can count on me!<\/p>\n

One for four
\nFour for one,
\nThis we guarantee.<\/p>\n

We got a right to pick a little fight
\nBonanza!
\nIf anyone fights anyone of us
\nHe’s gotta fight with me! “<\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/em>“What he said!” Adam, Hoss and Joe agreed.<\/p>\n

“Well…ummm…. if that is the case,” Kathy started. She picked up her laptop and rode out. “I’ll be back with the sheriff!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********
\n\u201cBriefs!\u201d<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Briefs? That lawyer gal was coming back with the sheriff and briefs?<\/p>\n

\u201cBoxers or brief?\u201d Kimmy said as she eyed Joe up and down and down and up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGASP!\u201d Lillian gasped. \u201cThis is worse than discussing if Ben picked grapes with Joyce Edwards or\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr stole a kiss?\u201d Ben wiggled his eyebrows knowingly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOr MORE!!!\u201d winked Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cMore? Like making jelly?\u201d said Lillian.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI do like grape jelly,\u201d Hoss remarked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThere isn\u2019t any food you don\u2019t like,” Hop Sing muttered. He sure wished he had finished college and gone to law school and could skip all the middle men in this disastrous thing, instead of relying on subcontractor lawyers like Kathy and Jimmy Chang. Maybe he should have listened to his father, Charlie Chan, and not pledged a frat. Maybe it wasn\u2019t too late to go back to school.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoxers or briefs? \u201c Kimmy repeated. \u201cFess up!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoxers,\u201d Hoss blushed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cBriefs,\u201d Adam blushed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNeither!\u201d Joe bragged and wiggled his perfect tushie.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat is more information than any of us really needed, young man!\u201d Lillian and Puchi said in unison. \u201cThough you do have an adorable tushie.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And now today\u2019s episode: \u201cMartha\u201d<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Despite Ben’s best efforts and Adam grabbing what was left of Joe’s poofy curly perfectly perfect hair, they unpried Joe’s fingers from Kimmy’s throat. “You hurt my beloved brother Hoss! And made Hop Sing slip on soup!” Joe growled. \u201cI should kill you!\u201d<\/p>\n

Kimmy stuck out her tongue at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cUse it or lose it!\u201d Joe challenged.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHOW RUDE!\u201d said Michelle Tanner.<\/p>\n

And what about us! Twins separated at birth!\u201d wailed Puchi and Lillian<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPoor twins!!! Separated like that!! How awful for them!!! Just glad we can finally hear this sad, really, sad story. And all we can do is hope it has a happy ending. Maybe they will all end up on the Ponderosa, living happily ever after?” said Martha who had just popped by. She started mopping up the spilled soup as Puchi helped Hop Sing to his feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you think one of you boys should ride for the doctor?\u201d asked Lillian.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be a good idea,” agreed Martha.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a lawyer! I am suing you!\u201d Hop Sing declared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAw shut up and go back to China!\u201d Kimmy Gibbler said rudely.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now today\u2019s episode: Hop Sing or Sing Sing?\u201d<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cFine advice. Then I really won’t have to worry about the brief because I’ll be found in contempt of court and land in Sing Sing!\u201d smiled Kathy, the lawyer. She hadn\u2019t really ridden away but just gave that illusion so she and her buddy Matlock (who dated Rebecca Kauffman when he was Andy in Mayberry) could peep in the window and watch what was REALLY going on inside the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSing Sing? Or Hop Sing?\u201d asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing is just my assumed name, you STOOGE!!!\u201d shouted Hop Sing, who was really Jimmy Chan, son of Charlie Chan the detective.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo back to China whatever your name is! You are probably a terrorist any how!\u201d Kimmy said rudely.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you accuse Hop Sing or Jimmy Chan of any inappropriate behavior or I will choke the life out of you!\u201d Joe bellowed. Both his brothers grabbed him and restrained him. It always took two or three men to restrain an angry Cartwright.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“JOE, STOP!” Hoss pleaded. \u201cYou cain\u2019t kill her\u2026Or make her do gymnastics with her tongue neither!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet the law handle it!\u201d Ben demanded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll send for Roy Coffee!\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd some Roy Pie to go with that Roy Coffee!\u201d Kimmy said obnoxiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me KILL HER!\u201d Joe glared as Adam and Hoss restrained him along with Lillian and Puchi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Workman’s comp! Workman’s comp” declared Hop Sing from the floor, pulling out his not-yet-invented cell phone and calling Jimmy Chang at 1-800-WeSue4U. \u201cJimmy Chang! Workman\u2019s comp! Come to Ponderosa! QUICK!”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Gaggaaaaaaaaaakkkeee!” spewed Kimmy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou won\u2019t hear the end of the story if you strangle Kimmy!\u201d Lillian shouted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cStop, Joe!\u201d Her twin sister Puchi added. \u201cDon\u2019t choke the obnoxious wacky neighbor! Stop!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

And now \u201cHow Did Puchi Get to Oklahoma?\u201c
\n<\/u><\/em>
\n\u201cSo how did Puchi get from Brooklyn to Oklahoma and the Indians?” Adam asked, smoothing his hair and trying to look more like Adam and less like Moe.<\/p>\n

“Yes!” Lillian said, wiping up the spilled soup and smoothing the whipped cream off of Hoss’ tufty hair. “Are you all right, Hoss?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, Ma’am. Though I could do with some more soup and some of them matzoh balls!” Hoss grinned gapped-toothedly.<\/p>\n

“Absolutely!” Lillian poured him and the rest of the party more some more.<\/p>\n

“How did Puchi get to Oklahoma, Adam?” Ben said sipping his soup. He gestured for Joe to sit down next to him and avoid any more ruckuses with Kimmy who was swooning on the settee.<\/p>\n

“Well, Chief Nameoke of the Rockaway Indians was passing the gypsy camp somewhere near Canarsie. They gypsies, needing some quick cash to go to Coney Island for a Nathan’s Hot Dog, traded Puchi to the Indians. In turn, Nameoke, sent the baby to his cousin Mishugina Menchin, a Cherokee brave as a birthday gift.”<\/p>\n

“A birthday gift?” Ben gasped. “They sent a baby as a gift?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, Pa. That is how Puchi wound up in Oklahoma and with the Cherokees,” Adam explained. “Eventually, Mishugina Menchin got a job as the original Curly in ‘Oklahoma’ on Broadway.”<\/p>\n

“I loved that show,” Ben said. A tear trickled down his cheek. “Elizabeth and I saw it on our third date.”<\/p>\n

“I love Ado Annie!” Joe grinned. “She’s a gal who can’t say ‘no’!”<\/p>\n

“Workman’s comp! Workman’s comp,” declared Hop Sing from the floor.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And now… Another Knock.<\/p>\n


\n<\/strong>Knock knock! said the door.<\/p>\n

“Who is there?” said Puchi.<\/p>\n

“Jamie!” said a voice that sounded like fingernails scratching on a black board.<\/p>\n

“JAMIE WHO!??” asked Lillian bravely.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The rest of the group trembled at the word.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Martha bravely flung open the massive oak door just as a crazed male figure rushed over to the settee. His foot hit the abandoned matzoh ball and he kicked it hard. It ricocheted off the massive stone fireplace and hit the loaded shot gun that had been propped against the wall behind Ben Cartwright\u2019s chair in the dining room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BAM!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cOh well,\u201d Ben shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou win some and lose some\u2026\u201d Hoss said philosophically.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finally: The Dramatic Conclusion?<\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Not yet<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Tis a long sad tale,” sighed Adam Cartwright as he concluded the entire story.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cA LONG sad tale,\u201d Hoss frowned. He was hoping to dig into the special dinner Hop Sing had prepared for their special guests, Lillian and Puchi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Puchi handed Little Joe a hanky. He looked strange with is curly hair kinking up and his nose growing longer. Puchi was shaken to her core.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s lower lip trembled and he forced himself to smile and take her hanky \u201cThanks, Ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Eat!” Lillian urged everyone, especially her newly discovered twin Puchi.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a long sad tale,\u201d Adam repeated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“What do you mean, a long sad tale?” Little Joe asked his older brother. \u201cLook at your own face! Your hair! Gak.”<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t matter now how long the long winded story was as Lillian had said it was ok to eat. Hoss couldn\u2019t take one of Adam\u2019s yarns on an empty stomach and so much had happened in the last hours. Since Lillian said they could start dinner, Hoss was happy. He could eat and listen to one of Adam\u2019s long winded tales and try to figure out why he and his brothers looked so strange. He was still Hoss on the inside but looked like a stooge on the outside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Well, part of it started when gypsies came to Brooklyn….” Adam said slathering butter on some of the corn bread Puchi had baked. \u201cThat and something radioactive here in Nevada.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom the not-yet-invented Atom bomb tests over in Reno,\u201d Ben said. A tear trickled down his cheek.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that part started with Doc Martin\u2019s misdirected cloning experiments!\u201d Hop Sing revealed. \u201cPresident Lincoln asked my father, Charlie Chan, to send me here undercover and investigate Doc Martin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc Martin! What do you mean?\u201d Hoss gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cDoc Martin cloned cowboys so he could create a ready labor force at round up time, for the mines and the timber mills, for square dancing as well as test subjects for tossing lemon meringue pies. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cThe ultimate weapon for world domination!” Puchi and Lillian gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cUnfortunately, the experiment went terribly wrong,\u201d Ben sighed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cEspecially for you boys. Doc had stolen your\u2026your\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOur what?\u201d Adam pleaded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYour pish\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPish?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cP.I.S.H. You know, when you went to the doc for you back to school check-ups and he asked you to give a urine sample.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour in what?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cPee in a cup,\u201d Ben translated to Hoss-ese, and before any of his sons could make a \u201cguy comment\u201d, Ben cautioned them \u201cAnd don\u2019t forget we have ladies present.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo Doc Martin used your PISH\u2026\u201d Hop Sing repeated.<\/p>\n

\u201cP.I.S.H.? What is that?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPersonal Identity Stuff for Hunks!\u201d Lillian explained. She knew a wealth of vocabulary words in numerous languages.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened, Pa?\u201d Joe pleaded.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026. When the real people reached a certain age and the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars and gasoline went over $3 a gallon and Brittany Spears became the role model for MOTHERS\u2026.\u201d Ben continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cOY VAY!\u201d Puchi and Lillian gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell, when all those things coincided, the real men started turning into The Three Stooges. They were transformed!\u201d Ben wept looking at his once handsome sons. Joe, Hoss and Adam looked just like Larry, Curly and Moe. \u201cWhat am I to do!?!?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know!\u201d Lillian leapt to her feet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you going to do, sister?\u201d Puchi whispered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe true miracle elixir of health is at hand!\u201d Lillian smiled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPulque?\u201d Joe asked hopefully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo! Chicken soup!!!\u201d Lillian declared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThe miracle elixir of health!\u201d her twin Puchi confirmed.<\/p>\n

\u201cQuick! Make some! Save my boys from being doomed to a life of stoogie-ness. A fate worse than death!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease!\u201d Adam pleaded brushing his bangs out of his eyes. \u201cNo more Moe!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSave us, Miss Lillian! Save us, Miss Puchi!\u201d Hoss got down on bended knees and pleaded. \u201cI don\u2019t want to look like Curly no Moe!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNyuk! Nyuk!\u201d Little Joe wailed. Tears cascaded out of his dill pickle eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cLet’s get that soup quick!!!!!! I couldn’t bear for the boys to live out their lives in that state!” Martha pleaded as she rushed outside to capture a chicken, kill and pluck it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI agree. Let’s wrap this up before the soup gets cold,\u201d said Kathy, grabbing a big iron kettle.<\/p>\n

Later\u2026. after steaming bowls of magically medicinal chicken soup\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks!\u201d the Cartwright boys said, hugging their rescuers. \u201cYou saved us from a stoogie fate worse than death!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd make sure you wear undies!\u201d Puchi chided Little Joe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lillian blushed as she busied herself writing down the chicken soup recipe for Hop Sing. \u201cNow, Jimmy, go back to college and graduate and make your parents proud!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Ma\u2019am!\u201d Hop Sing who was really Jimmy Chan agreed. \u201cNo more of this mopping up after the Cartwrights! I am going to law school!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho will take your place and keep house for us?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes! Hop Sing! What will we do without you?\u201d Adam gasped.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly there was a knock at the door!<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose there?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMe! Alice! Mrs. Brady sent me over!\u201d said a voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid she bring MarciaMarciaMarcia?\u201d Joe asked hopefully<\/p>\n

.<\/p>\n

Everyone laughed except for Cochise, who was in the kitchen drinking coffee.<\/p>\n

\"Image<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*****END (Finally)*****<\/p>\n

RECIPES:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HOP SING\u2019S MATZO BALLS <\/u><\/p>\n

Hoppy got this recipe from Mr. Kauffman who got it from Lillian who got it from her Bubbe<\/p>\n

Ingredients:<\/p>\n