{"id":15992,"date":"2018-02-22T18:09:27","date_gmt":"2018-02-22T23:09:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15992"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:40:30","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:40:30","slug":"high-finance-or-how-to-keep-your-mutton-headed-sons-from-getting-robbed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15992","title":{"rendered":"High Finance (Or, How to Keep Your Mutton-Headed Sons From Getting Robbed) (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

SUMMARY:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, the lengths a father must go to in order to protect his sons. . . .<\/p>\n

Episodes referred to: A Hot Day for a Hanging; The Crucible; Twilight Town; False Witness; The Gamble<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0 1,100<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

High Finance (Or, How to Keep Your Mutton-Headed Sons From Getting Robbed)<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>by pjb<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Hello? Is this the Very First Credit Card Company of Nevada Territory?<\/p>\n

OPERATOR:<\/strong> Yes, sir. How may I connect your call?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I\u2019d like to open a credit card account, please.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR:<\/strong> One moment, please.<\/p>\n

CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE:<\/strong> Good afternoon, this is Kimberly. How may I assist you?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I\u2019d like to open a credit card account.<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> Certainly, sir. How large a line of credit would you like?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s not for me. It\u2019s for my customers.<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> You\u2019d like to open a credit card account for each of your customers? You want them all to have cards in your name? You\u2019re a very generous man!<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> No, no, no! I\u2019d like to be able to accept<\/em> credit cards in my business.<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s different.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Very.<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> But if you gave them all credit cards, you\u2019d probably increase your sales.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> That may be so, but just the same, I don\u2019t think I\u2019m going to do that today.<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> You might want to think about it as a holiday gift.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> We\u2019ll talk then. May I please speak to someone about setting up a credit card account?<\/p>\n

KIMBERLY:<\/strong> I\u2019ll have to transfer you to our commercial credit department. One moment, please.<\/p>\n

COMMERCIAL CREDIT DEPARTMENT:<\/strong> Good afternoon, this is Felicia. How may I assist you?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I\u2019d like to open a credit card account so that I can accept credit cards in my business.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> And what business is that, sir?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I sell beef cattle.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> You sell beef? Uh, sir, I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re aware of this, but most supermarkets already take credit cards. What is the largest city near you?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Virginia City. But\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Well, sir, the Virginia City Stop & Shop takes MasterCard, Visa and Discover. So does the Virginia City Publix, the Virginia City Shop-Rite, and the Virginia City Winn-Dixie. And the Virginia City Big Y also takes American Express. They\u2019re very progressive.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I sell beef cattle<\/em>. You know\u2014I sell the beef before it\u2019s\u2014well, beef. And I sell timber.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> You sell cows and trees?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Well . . . yes.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> And you want your customers to be able to pay for them with credit cards.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Sir, you do understand that there\u2019s a charge of 3% per transaction each time you accept a credit card?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> (heavily)<\/em> I understand.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> So, unless you raise your prices, you\u2019re going to lose money by doing this.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Yes, I know.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> And you also understand that\u2014sir, may I be blunt here?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Go ahead.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Sir, we\u2019re the Very First Credit Card Company of Nevada Territory, and we\u2019ve only been in business for about two weeks.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> What are you saying?<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Well, sir, right now, nobody in Nevada Territory actually has<\/em> a credit card.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> We can change that.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> They don\u2019t even have debit cards, just in case you were thinking about going that way instead.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> I don\u2019t care. Just do it.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Or Apple Pay, or PayPal. Any of those things.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Would you just set up the account!<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Sir, with all due respect\u2014why are you so eager to set up a credit card account?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Miss, my name is Cartwright. Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Cartwright, Cartwright\u2014wait a minute. Are you related to Hoss Cartwright?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> He\u2019s my son.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Didn\u2019t he almost get hanged in Dutchman\u2019s Flats when he had a whole lot of cash and people thought he was a bank robber?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> And are you also related to Adam Cartwright?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> He\u2019s my son, too<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Didn\u2019t he get robbed after he left Eastgate carrying several thousand dollars?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Tell me you\u2019re not also related to Little Joe Cartwright.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> He\u2019s mine, too.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> The one who got himself involved in a robbery and murder in Sanddust?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> That\u2019s the one. And he got shot there, too.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> And didn\u2019t he also get robbed when he was carrying two thousand dollars and he was outside of that old ghost town\u2014Martinville, wasn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> That\u2019s Joe.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Well, sir, I certainly understand why you\u2019d like to get your customers using credit cards. If they were my sons, I certainly wouldn\u2019t want them carrying cash around. In fact, we can probably arrange for an account so that they\u2019ll have cards of their own and they\u2019ll never have to use cash again.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> It\u2019s something to think about.<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Sir, meaning no disrespect, but\u2014your sons are kind of\u2014well, knuckleheads when it comes to money, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Frankly, I think of them as \u201cdunderheads,\u201d but I suppose your term applies, too. Now, if we can just get on with\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Wait a minute\u2014didn\u2019t your whole family run into a problem in Alkaline when you were carrying thirty thousand dollars in cash?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> We don\u2019t really need to talk about\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> In fact, you were with your sons that time, weren\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Miss, if we could just get on with\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> You almost got hanged for murdering a bank clerk, didn\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Miss, if we could just focus\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Mr. Cartwright, don\u2019t you worry about a thing. We\u2019ll get your account set up today. In fact, I\u2019m going to expedite it myself.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Why, thank you\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Believe me, Mr. Cartwright\u2014if there\u2019s one thing that\u2019s clear, it\u2019s that neither you or your sons should ever, ever<\/em> carry large sums of cash.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Well, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s quite that bad\u2014<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Oh, it is, Mr. Cartwright, but don\u2019t you worry. From here on in, everybody who buys trees and cows from you will have to use a credit card. Now, if you don\u2019t mind, I\u2019m going to transfer you to our marketing department.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Your marketing department?<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Yes. We need a list of all your customers. We\u2019re going to start bombarding them with credit card applications until every single one of them has at least three cards in his wallet and your sons will never, ever have to carry so much as a fifty-cent piece ever again!<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> Never?<\/p>\n

FELICIA:<\/strong> Never!<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> In that case\u2014transfer me, Felicia!<\/p>\n

*************<\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s note: Unfortunately, the concept of using credit cards to purchase cows and trees never quite caught on in Nevada Territory, and the Cartwrights continued to tool around the countryside, carrying large sums of cash and announcing this fact to every lawless scoundrel they met, thus affording the rest of us many hours of viewing pleasure.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Ben Cartwright<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

SUMMARY:\u00a0 Oh, the lengths a father must go to in order to protect his sons. . . .<\/p>\n

Rating:\u00a0 K\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0 1,100<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":15993,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,4,687],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15992","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-humor","category-modern-day","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-687-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1583,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/credit-card.jpg?fit=640%2C426&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":61188,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=61188","url_meta":{"origin":15992,"position":0},"title":"Timber! 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