Summary: \u00a0<\/b>Ben has waited anxiously for Adam and Joe to return from the war. Adam comes home carrying a secret that has virtually destroyed him and Joe at the same time. How will the family go on?<\/p>\n
Rated:\u00a0PG\u00a0 (19,150 words)<\/p>\n
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Home At Last<\/strong><\/p>\n Ben Cartwright was in a hurry to get home. At the same time, he wasn\u2019t sure how this particular homecoming would go. With infinite sorrow his chocolate colored eyes reflected on the dark haired son next to him. In the time since they\u2019d left Chicago, the young man said nothing. He didn\u2019t respond to Ben and didn\u2019t even seem to know who he was. His lack of affinity for his father was tearing Ben to pieces.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, Son,\u201d he started. \u201cWe\u2019ll be back at the Ponderosa soon. Hoss is very excited you\u2019re going to be home safe.\u201d<\/p>\n The emptiness in his son\u2019s eyes told Ben it didn\u2019t matter. Sitting back on the stage, he looked out the window his memories of the last two years assaulting him. Two years ago Adam made up his mind to join the war. His letters home should have taken the idea of enlisting clear out of Joe\u2019s head or so Hoss insisted. Instead, soon after his twenty-first birthday, Joe left the house in the dark of night, knowing Ben would not approve of him joining up.<\/p>\n For Ben, weeks without his cherished sons turned into months until the inevitable happened and they received word that Joe had been killed in a place called the Wilderness. Ben couldn\u2019t explain how each time he thought of his son, he felt sick at heart. Joe wouldn\u2019t be coming home. Ben would never hear his youngest son\u2019s contagious laugh, or see his green eyes change expression, one minute filled with tender compassion, the next with a hot temper, the next crinkling with humor. Joe was his mercurial child, filled with surprises and those surprises were gone now.<\/p>\n Next they waited for Adam. When a letter came from a military hospital in Illinois, Ben realized with sorrow that both his oldest and youngest sons had paid the ultimate price for their service to their country though each in a different way. Joe was dead and Adam\u2026well Adam was gone in a way too. Adam was in shock they said. Something he had done, or been forced to witness had taken away the life in Adam\u2019s soul. Now Ben was returning home with the shell of a man he had depended on for so long he couldn\u2019t remember when Adam hadn\u2019t been part of his life. Ben\u2019s loss sometimes left him breathless though his heart still beat. Over the last thousand miles, he\u2019d kind of wondered how or why it did except that Adam and Hoss both needed him.<\/p>\n \u201cOh Joe,\u201d Ben mumbled. \u201cIf you can, help your brother. Help him. I know you would if you were here.\u201d Ben almost smiled. Joe would be so impatient with Adam. First he\u2019d cajole, then he\u2019d yell, then he\u2019d sit and read to him, then\u2026the coach was entering Virginia City. Ben patted Adam\u2019s leg.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re here, Son. We\u2019re home.\u201d Ben breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Hoss with one of the Cartwright wagons waiting for them. With just the two of them on the stage Ben alighted first before taking Adam\u2019s hand helping him to understand he needed to get out. The young man stepped down to the ground stumbling a little. His younger brother Hoss was right there to catch him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam! Whoa there, Big Brother,\u201d the middle Cartwright son blustered happily. \u201cYa don\u2019t want ta go and hurt yer self none. Welcome home, Adam.\u201d Hoss, alerted to Adam\u2019s condition with an update from Ben didn\u2019t hesitate to enfold Adam into a warm hug. Stepping back, Hoss let his puzzled blue eyes go to his father.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoss,\u201d Ben breathed. The two big men hugged hard, sharing their mutual distress.<\/p>\n \u201cHe don\u2019t look too good, Pa,\u201d Hoss observed so Adam couldn\u2019t hear. \u201cI aint never seen him like that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Hoss. Let\u2019s just get him home. Maybe the Ponderosa will bring him back to us.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened, Pa?\u201d Hoss went on unable to help himself.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Hoss, no one does!\u201d Ben snapped.<\/p>\n Hoss slung his arm around his father for a minute.<\/p>\n \u201cWell he\u2019ll tell us when he\u2019s ready I spect. Come on, Big Brother. We got a heap a chores waiting for ya and Pa says the books aint been right since ya left.\u201d<\/p>\n Quickly the two Cartwright\u2019s led the third to the wagon. In the distance Ben caught sight of his old friends, the sheriff Roy Coffee and Dr. Paul Martin. His brief nod was a message he hoped the doctor would see and comprehend. If he didn\u2019t, Hoss did after settling Adam in the wagon with a blanket over him and the two carpet bags belonging to Ben and Adam nearby. He hauled himself up on the wagon and turned to his father as Ben joined him.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Pa. Doc\u2019s gonna come out tomorrow morning. We talked it over and he thought it might be a good thin iffn ole Adam got some rest a fore he examined him. Iffn ya want I can tell him ta come out tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Hoss, that\u2019s fine,\u201d Ben answered almost in absentia.<\/p>\n They rode home with Hoss telling Ben everything that had happened on the ranch since Ben left. Several times Hoss directed his conversation at Adam. Ben hoped his son would respond. Adam\u2019s withdrawal was mute testimony as to the inner torment of all three men.<\/p>\n \u201cTell ya, Adam,\u201d Hoss complained while pulling the horses up in front of the house that Ben was so glad to see. \u201cNormally ya would have been yelling at me to shut up by now. Kind a miss that I gotta tell ya. Well, dontcha worry. Ya\u2019ll get tired a me yammering you wait and see.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben couldn\u2019t help smiling. Trust Hoss to try and make Adam comfortable. Ben looked around the clean yard. Without questioning, he knew the barn would be just as spick and span and the ranch would be running smoothly thanks to Hoss and their foreman, Nick Wilson.<\/p>\n \u201cLooks good, Hoss,\u201d he complimented. He helped Hoss get Adam into the house. Adam hesitated at the front door, refusing to step further. Hoss\u2019 gentle care wasn\u2019t lost on Ben or Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Big Brother? Dontcha know yer own home? Ya know ya helped Pa build this house. Ya know it better n any of us. Come on. I can smell Hop Sing\u2019s supper and I\u2019m plumb starved from that ride ta town and back.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stepped into the house with Hop Sing coming to greet them. Their Chinese houseman, a small, thin man, smaller even than Little Joe bowed to Adam and gave his own brand of welcome.<\/p>\n \u201cBout time\u00a0numba one\u00a0son got home,\u201d the Cantonese scolded. \u201cMost respected Father was worried about\u00a0numba one\u00a0son. Now you home Mistah Adam, you get well real quick. Father needs you and\u00a0numba\u00a0two\u00a0son, too.\u201d The man halted in front of Adam, just as shocked as Ben and Hoss at Adam\u2019s condition.<\/p>\n In the great room, Hoss had Adam sit down. Several minutes passed. Ben and Hoss weren\u2019t sure what to do. Ben was just going to his desk with Hoss when Adam stood. Ben watched while his son walked up the stairs. In a minute the men heard a bedroom door shut.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head with his own puzzlement. Racing up the stairs, Ben and Hoss were further surprised to see, not Adam\u2019s bedroom door shut for it was open to air out, and invite Adam in.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2019s room?\u201d Ben wondered. For a split second he felt weak in the knees.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s he doing in there, Pa? Does he even know\u2026\u201d Hoss choked on his words, still having difficulty with his little brother\u2019s death even though it had been almost a year.<\/p>\n \u201cHe must, Hoss. Maybe that\u2019s why he\u2019s in shock or part of it anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n They heard a crash. As one father and son rushed into the room to find Adam collapsed on the floor, Joe\u2019s water pitcher, thankfully empty, splintered on the floor around him. Bending down, Hoss tenderly picked Adam up in his arms. Adam was limp, unconscious. In his placid, Nordic face, Hoss\u2019 blue eyes widened in surprise.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy, Pa, he\u2019s as thin as Joe. Aint nuthin to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTake him to bed, Son,\u201d Ben ordered. \u201cWe\u2019ll take care of him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Pa. Come on, Adam. Ya can let me be Big Brother for awhile. Reckon ya took care a me plenty when we was little.\u201d<\/p>\n After Hoss left with his brother held close, Ben sank down on Joe\u2019s bed, staring at the porcelain on the floor shattered into pieces. Over the past ten months he\u2019d often come in here to sit and think of his boys, both of them, not sure if Adam was still alive or in heaven with Joe and their mothers.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d he whispered. How often had his mind sought to see Joe bounding into the room, ready to change his clothes for a lovely girl, or teasing his brothers as they chased him for some mischievous blunder, his giggle forever echoing in the empty room. If Ben closed his eyes, he could remember the first time Marie put the little boy to bed in his own twin bed. Joe had been so excited to have a big boy bed like his brothers. Joe\u2026Adam\u2026Hoss. Ben lived his life for his sons. Right now he was having difficulty just sitting where he was, much less living. With a heavy sigh of resignation, Ben stood. He picked up the porcelain on the ground putting it into the bowl that accompanied the pitcher. Taking the pieces out of the room, he shut the door after him. Adam must know about Joe. He had to, but how. Ben wondered if he\u2019d ever know, and if he did, he wondered if it would bring his son back to him or simply shatter his world beyond repair, like the porcelain pitcher.<\/p>\n Chapter 2<\/p>\n Time has a funny way of passing by without making a sound or a wrinkle or so a person thinks till they wake up one day and realize those minutes and hours can\u2019t be gotten back. Weeks passed, a month and still Adam made no improvement. Hoss and the men went on round up. Ben thought having time alone with Adam would help. They went for long walks up to Marie\u2019s grave, over to the lake, anywhere Ben thought Adam would remember. Nothing seemed to reach him. Hoss and the men returned and it was as if they\u2019d never left. Hoss could not hide his disappointment at his brother\u2019s continued withdrawn state. Ben found him sitting outside after supper the first night he was home. Leaning against a pole, Hoss\u2019 shoulders were shaking. Ben waited till Hoss was more composed before patting his shoulder with a strong grasp.<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Hoss exclaimed. \u201cI\u2026ah\u2026didn\u2019t know ya was there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat kind of father would I be if I wasn\u2019t?\u201d Ben answered in that paternal tone all his sons cherished. Hoss choked on a wan smile. Looking out on the stars, his heart was in his mouth as he spoke.<\/p>\n \u201cYer the best, Pa and ya know it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know about that, Son,\u201d Ben answered sitting on a chair. Both men were wearing light coats, the fall evening being brisk but not downright cold. Hoss joined his father.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Big Brother?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSitting inside. He seems all right if he\u2019s looking at one of his books. I don\u2019t know if he\u2019s reading. He never turns a page, just looks at it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s eerie, Pa. Like he\u2019s here, but he aint. How do ya do it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo what?\u201d Hoss swallowed again his distress evident.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t mean nuthin, Pa, honest. Just\u2026I can\u2019t stand seeing him like this. Adam\u2019s always been strong and in control. Why him and Joe was always scrapping about who was in charge. I swear sometimes ya\u2019d think they\u2019d a kilt each other they\u2019d git so mad, and now\u2026\u201d Ben leaned back in his chair, his countenance fairly calm, his brown eyes filled with his own troubles.<\/p>\n \u201cI understand what you\u2019re saying, Son, believe me I do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I can see that. Well, Big Brother can hibernate like an ole bear, but I aint a giving up on him. Ya think he\u2019d like ta go riding? I can saddle up Sport for him. We could go tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Son,\u201d Ben deferred.<\/p>\n \u201cHonest, Pa, it couldn\u2019t hurt, could it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf he falls it could.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, he can\u2019t just sit around the rest a his life. We already lost Joe, Pa. I don\u2019t think I can stand ta lose another brother.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben thought for a few minutes. Standing, he hugged Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cAll right, Son. You take him for a ride, just the two of you, but this time you\u2019re in charge. Make sure he knows that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou tell him, Pa,\u201d Hoss chuckled. \u201cThat\u2019s your job, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s laughter joined Hoss\u2019. Ben recognized neither of them were able to muster the true joy they used to before\u2026before the war, but it did feel good to laugh. Together they went inside to find Adam still looking at the same page of his book with Hop Sing peeking from the dining room, obviously watching Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cNumba one Son read,\u201d Hop Sing informed them. \u201cHop Sing go bed now? Is all right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine, Hop Sing. Thank-you.\u201d Ben smiled upon his friend.<\/p>\n \u201cI think I\u2019ll take Adam up,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cIt\u2019s been a long day. Give ya a break, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank-you, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n Walking over to Adam, he took the book and put it down, indicating to Adam to stand up.<\/p>\n \u201cTime for bed, Son. Hoss will go up with you tonight. I\u2019ll check on you before I go to bed.\u201d Ben kissed the younger man\u2019s forehead.<\/p>\n Suddenly Adam\u2019s arms hugged Ben. Hoss gasped while Ben\u2019s heart leaped. When he stepped back, Adam\u2019s face remained impassive.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Hoss. Adam\u2019s reaching out. Maybe taking him for a ride is a good idea. We\u2019ll see. He can change his clothes now and get ready for bed by himself. He just needs supervision.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFine, Pa. Good night.\u201d Hoss led Adam up the stairs. Ben couldn\u2019t help following them. Just as Adam did every night he stopped in front of Joe\u2019s closed bedroom door. He\u2019d stare at it for a few seconds, then go on down to his room. It was, what was the word Hoss used, eerie? Hoss waited patient as always until the brothers disappeared into Adam\u2019s room. Ben retreated back to the great room where he sank down into his favorite armored chair to think. He took his bible that always sat on the table next to the chair. Opening it to one of his favorite passages, he read, gleaning strength for the days to come and the hope he needed to keep for Hoss and Adam and even for the memory of Little Joe.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n After that night, Hoss not only took Adam riding but had him come out to mend fences. There was nothing wrong with Adam physically Dr. Martin told them. Adam knew how to mend a fence, and work the ranch better than any hand they had, so Hoss teased his brother that he could earn his keep by at least keeping him company in the solitary chore of mending fence. After several days of this Hoss gleefully reported that Adam would follow directions and work as hard as he did.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s working, Pa,\u201d Hoss told him when Adam was washing up for dinner. \u201cHe\u2019s getting better.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, he is, Son. You\u2019re doing a lot for him,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cIt\u2019s more than we dared hope for when we brought him home.\u201d Ben had confessed to Hoss just recently how grim the hospital physicians\u2019 prognosis had been when Ben insisted on taking Adam home. He could still hear one of the doctor\u2019s voices in his mind, condemning him for taking his son out of the structured environment he needed.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s been through some kind of hell, Mr. Cartwright. The mind can only take so much. He needs a hospital setting where he knows his daily routine and what to expect. Anything could set him off and he could leave carnage in his wake.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAdam is not violent,\u201d Ben informed the man. \u201cAnd if it comes to that, we\u2019ll deal with it. He has a routine, at home, on the Ponderosa which he helped build. My boy has courage, strength and determination. There\u2019s nothing that would deter me from taking him home where he belongs.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n Now here they were, and Adam was improving, however small his steps might be. Ben lived for the day when his son\u2019s mind would come back to him, when Adam\u2019s eyes would fill with his stoic emotions. Adam wasn\u2019t Joe. He didn\u2019t let his anger or joy or laughter spill out carelessly or easily, but he felt and deeply. Ben knew his oldest son, all his sons as no other. Adam had his whole life in front of him and he deserved to experience every minute of it, no matter what.<\/p>\n In the dark of night Ben woke to screams such as he hadn\u2019t heard since Joe was a little boy crying for his dead mother. Ben leaped out of bed, amazingly agile in spite of his drowsiness and age. In moments he\u2019d joined Hoss in Adam\u2019s room. Holding a lamp up inside the dark room, Ben and Hoss exchanged glances. Adam was no where to be seen. The screams were silenced.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere is he, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Hoss.\u201d Ben was panicked for a minute thinking Adam had gotten out of the house somehow without being seen. When they heard a noise in the room, he knew his son had to be somewhere.<\/p>\n \u201cThe closet, Pa,\u201d Hoss suggested. Ben\u2019s movement across the room was swift. Throwing open the door, he lifted his lamp to see Adam huddled on the floor. With his legs lifted to his chest, Adam appeared more vulnerable than ever, his entire body shaking. Ben tried to quall the fear he was realizing at witnessing his oldest son\u2019s helplessness, so unlike either of his younger brothers who readily admitted their emotions. From the time he was a small boy, Adam tried to stay in control. That trait was particularly ingrained after Ben\u2019s second wife, the only mother Adam ever knew was killed in front of his eyes. Kneeling down, Ben touched Adam\u2019s knee. There was no response.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d Ben dared, softly, carefully. \u201cAdam. It\u2019s Pa. I\u2019m here, Son. Let me help you.\u201d<\/p>\n Seconds passed, a very long minute. Ben scarcely breathed. His arm grew tired so he put the lamp down on the floor. He knew Hoss was behind him, quietly waiting. Ben lifted Adam\u2019s chin as if he were a little boy. Tears streamed down Adam\u2019s reddened face, his eyes so haunted, Ben wanted to cry with him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d Hoss sighed apparently seeing the same expression. \u201cAw, Adam. Come on out. We\u2019ll help ya, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n Shaking his head, Adam cried anew. Ben moved to sit perpendicular to his son, Hoss continued to stand outside the closet. There just wasn\u2019t room for him.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, why don\u2019t you leave Adam with me,\u201d Ben suggested.<\/p>\n \u201cSure thing, Pa. Ya just holler do ya need me,\u201d the young man answered with relief and his usual amicability.<\/p>\n When the bedroom door shut behind him, Ben saw that Adam was burying his face into his knees. Lifting the chin once more, Ben gazed into the tormented face of his oldest son. How often had he played this role with Joe, Joe who got himself into the most impossible scrapes, and then felt so guilty, he\u2019d hole up in his closet as a little boy just like Adam was. Ben couldn\u2019t blame either son. He wouldn\u2019t mind joining Adam in hiding from all the emotions that were trapping him in his own grief for his sons and what they must have gone through. With wisdom Ben didn\u2019t talk. Instead he took Adam\u2019s hand, squeezing the roughened palm between his own strong ones. With identical eyes locked on each other, Ben gave his son a reassuring smile. They sat just so for several minutes until Adam broke away, pulling his hand away from Ben\u2019s or trying to. Ben held fast.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, no!\u201d he exclaimed.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyebrows rose with hope. It took everything he had not to tell Adam he\u2019d spoken. That wasn\u2019t what Adam needed.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, what, Adam? What don\u2019t you want?\u201d Tell me, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa,\u201d Adam repeated. Adam closed his eyes. Ben released his hand. Adam buried his face in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cTell me, Adam. Please, Son. Please let me help you.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s anger reached out to Ben in a flash as Adam pushed his father hard against the wall then walked out of the closet. Dressed in a night shirt, the young man shook his head again. Ben stood behind him, putting his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Adam exclaimed. Slowly he turned around. For the first time Ben saw lucidity in Adam\u2019s face. Adam looked around the room then to his father.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you find me?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s puzzlement was obvious. Adam knew how his father felt about him. Ben had no doubt about that. At the same time it occurred to the older man that something had happened to his son to make him doubt the love of a father who never failed to show he cared or at least tried.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, I had to find you. They said you were missing. We couldn\u2019t just give up on you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not! Why couldn\u2019t you just leave me there, just let me die, just\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Ben was so angry, he couldn\u2019t help himself. His large hands clamped hard onto Adam\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam Cartwright, that\u2019s enough!\u201d he demanded in that dangerous father tone Adam had to recognize. Adam wasn\u2019t exactly calm but his anger dissipated as fast it came. So did Ben\u2019s. His voice was filled only with love as he went on. \u201cYou are my son. I could no more leave you to languish away or die somewhere than I could stop breathing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen you\u2019re a better man than me,\u201d Adam said with a sigh of resignation. Leaning against the wall by the bedroom window, he pounded the wood with both his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cMake it stop!\u201d he screamed. \u201cOh God, please make it stop. I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m so sorry. I didn\u2019t mean it. I didn\u2019t mean it.\u201d His scream rang through the room, his hand still pounding and then suddenly hitting the window, breaking it and cutting his hands at the same time. Hoss and Hop Sing both burst into the room. Ben had no doubt they\u2019d been in the hall the entire time. Ben grabbed Adam but wasn\u2019t strong enough to keep his arm from being cut by the splintered glass. Hoss\u2019 big frame sailed across the room, pulling Adam away from the window. Adam sank to the floor, sobbing as if heartbroken.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease God! Oh, Joe! Joe! Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing get some bandages and soap and water,\u201d Ben shouted over his son\u2019s cries.<\/p>\n Hop Sing in his own night shirt ran from the room. Hoss held Adam in his arms, blood from his wounds covering both of their white nightshirts. Ben rushed to the dresser drawer and pulled out another nightshirt. Ripping it into pieces, he used the cloth to stop some of the bleeding that Adam was oblivious to while moaning for Joe and begging God for forgiveness. Once he stopped moaning while Hoss rocked back and forth with him, trying to get him to relax. Adam looked directly at Ben before retreating once more into hysteria.<\/p>\n \u201cI killed him,\u201d Adam admitted. \u201cI killed my little brother. Joe! Joe!\u201d Adam tried again to get away from Hoss. Hoss held tight. Ben was at a loss, his heart hammering, his mind filled with a thunderous roar of denial. Hoss\u2019s eyes met his father\u2019s.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, he don\u2019t know what he\u2019s saying,\u201d Hoss tried.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, yes he does,\u201d Ben moaned. \u201cHe does. Hoss, hold him till Hop Sing comes. I have to get one of the men to go for Dr. Martin. I think Adam is going to need a sedative.\u201d Ben tried to touch Adam, but he drew away. He was rocking back and forth on his own now with Hoss\u2019 arms encircling him still. Ben leaned over.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, I love you. No matter what, I love you.\u201d Hoss looked up at Ben again, tears coming down his own face this time.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? No wonder he don\u2019t wanta talk. He\u2019d never hurt\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI did!\u201d Adam cried his voice desperate, his body tearing itself from Hoss\u2019s arms which only grew tighter on the floor. \u201cLet me go! Let me go!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGo, Pa, get the doc,\u201d Hoss ordered.<\/p>\n Hop Sing came back in with the water and bandages. Ben hated leaving his sons in such a chaotic manner, both of them sporting red on their sleeves and chests from Adam\u2019s blood, both of them crying, but he had to get help. Hop Sing took over the scene quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cMistah Cartlight go. Sons be fine. Hop Sing take care. Get Doctah ta help numba one son. Go.\u201d<\/p>\n So Ben escaped from the room, his mind still spinning, his chest so tight with horror he could scarcely breathe. Walking down the stairs he realized he\u2019d wrapped his own arm with one of the strips of cloth. Hurrying outside in to the fall night, he ran to the bunkhouse and woke their foreman, Nick, careful to let the other men sleep. Nick had a tiny room at the end of the bunkhouse for his own as the foreman. Ben told him they needed the doctor but didn\u2019t say why, just urged him to hurry. Nick, a man every bit as big as Hoss and about Adam\u2019s age nodded his understanding.<\/p>\n \u201cBoss, you\u2019re hurt. Ya want one a the boys ta help ya?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Nick. Please, just go,\u201d Ben pleaded. \u201cI\u2019ll clean it up at the house.\u201d<\/p>\n He left the bunkhouse. From the open front door he could Adam\u2019s screams, pleading with Hoss to let him go. Ben hesitated only a second, knowing Joe was gone, knowing, even accepting of the fact, but hearing that Adam may have had something to do with Joe\u2019s death. He wasn\u2019t sure he was strong enough to cope with this kind of turn in his life. Not Adam! Not Joe. The prophecies said by John Brown came back to him. \u201cBrother against Brother, Father against Son\u2026\u201d Ben leaned on the open front door just for a second and prayed.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease God, help me save my son. Please. Let him know he\u2019s loved. Oh, God, don\u2019t take him from me too.\u201d The gray haired man shut the front door behind him. Walking up the stairs, clutching his injured arm, Ben forced himself to think of nothing but Adam, nothing but Hoss\u2026He couldn\u2019t think of Joe, couldn\u2019t see his sons facing each other till Joe\u2026No! No! Oh, Joe. You loved Adam so much. He\u2019d reached the bedroom door. He had to go in. He had to help his son. Ben Cartwright stepped into the bedroom where Adam still screamed and Hoss still fought to control his brother while Hop Sing tried to tend Adam\u2019s wounds. Ben moved across the room to his grown children then knelt in front of the two, making sure all he showed his son was love, while inside, all he could ask himself was\u2026why?<\/p>\n Chapter 3<\/p>\n Morning could shed new hope for a new day or so Ben always thought. The next morning, he was dozing by Adam\u2019s side, dreaming of Adam, Adam as a little boy holding Hoss as an infant, and later taking care of Little Joe, helping Marie without question. Joe\u2019s face suddenly implored Adam not to shoot him. When Adam in his Union blue uniform, the one he wore in the picture he\u2019d sent Ben, raised his rifle, aimed and fired at Little Joe, Ben sat bolt upright.<\/p>\n \u201cNO!\u201d His voice echoed in the empty room.<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice called. \u201cPa, come quick.\u201d<\/p>\n Shaken, the older man stood on slightly unsteady feet, gathering his composure for a brief second. Hoss called again.<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Seeing Adam\u2019s empty bed, Ben felt his heart drop. Another disaster of some sort was waiting with Adam. In just a few minutes he was running down the stairs, halting at the bottom, seeing what Hoss did.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI dunno, Pa. I came in from the barn and there he was just setting there.\u201d Hoss approached Adam sitting in the chair closest to the fireplace. Before he got there, Adam, wearing a clean nightshirt with his hands bandaged thanks to Dr. Martin\u2019s late night visit looked up at his father and brother. Ben\u2019s feet moved so fast he didn\u2019t feel them till he had pulled another chair up in front of Adam, sitting with him.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, Son, are you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa? I\u2026what happened?\u201d Adam lifted his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cYou had an accident, Son. They\u2019ll heal. You just cut them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUh, huh. You too?\u201d Ben had forgotten his bandaged arm. He had changed his shirt, but pulled up the sleeve to allow the dressing air.<\/p>\n \u201cGuess so. How do you feel, Son?\u201d Ben\u2019s eyes locked on his oldest child\u2019s. Adam sat back in the chair closing his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam?\u201d Hoss wondered.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I\u2019ll need some help getting dressed,\u201d Adam decided. Standing, he looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time.<\/p>\n \u201cI can help ya, Big Brother.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Hoss.\u201d Watching the boys ascend the stairs, Ben wanted to run after Adam, demand to know what he meant by his confession the night before, only that wasn\u2019t possible. Walking over the front door, he exited the house, embracing the chilly morning air, letting the pine scent help calm him down as much as he could. While standing there, a tornado of thoughts overwhelming him, Ben heard a horse riding fast towards the house. For a split second he was afraid, thinking it was Joe riding too fast again. Anger even started to erupt in him before the sound dissipated and all Ben could see was Joe, pulling Cochise to a halt with a chagrined expression on his young face.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d Ben breathed before the image evaporated leaving only Joe\u2019s voice calling to him.<\/p>\n \u201cPa! Pa!\u201d And then an apology Ben didn\u2019t expect. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Adam. Adam! Adam!\u201d Ben stared at the barn, waiting for Joe to come around. His baby! What was happening? He had to be reaching, trying to put out of his mind what Adam said. Joe and Adam were always at each other, Joe angry at Adam\u2019s attempts to control him and Adam unable to accept that Joe was a boy who needed guidance and discipline, but not criticism. The boys had scrapped almost till the day Adam left. Despite that fact, Ben recognized that the bond between them was as deep and profound as the one they each shared with Hoss. His sons loved each other, and if Adam did have something to do with Joe\u2019s death\u2026Ben shook his head. It was impossible. Adam would never hurt Joe. He\u2019d give his own life for his brother, unless\u2026unless it was inevitable. Shivering he stepped back into the house to find Hoss and Adam coming back down the stairs, both of them shaved and dressed for the day.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, well don\u2019t you two look fine this morning,\u201d Ben congratulated.<\/p>\n \u201cI gotta finish the barn chores I was doing,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, will you stay for a minute?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cI\u2026think I remember what happened last night. You must be pretty upset.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re not upset, Adam,\u201d Ben started.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t, Pa. I know I haven\u2019t exactly been sane in the last few months, but don\u2019t patronize me. I know what I said. I know what I did and I saw your faces.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAw we know ya wouldn\u2019t hurt Shortshanks,\u201d Hoss excused. The three men were standing in the Great Room.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d Ben tried again. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do this now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe not for you, Pa,\u201d Adam answered. He sank down onto the sofa. Ben sat next to him with Hoss in a chair facing them. Adam held his bandaged hands in his lap. Looking down at them he examined them before looking at his father and brother.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I finally released some of the anger I felt after\u2026after the Wilderness.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben felt his throat tighten as if it would choke him. Adam was trying to control the moment while it was clear to Ben what he had to say was going to be extremely difficult to say and hear.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t know Joe joined the army,\u201d Adam started. \u201cI had no idea.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe left in November of \u201963,\u201d Hoss offered.<\/p>\n \u201cJust like he said he would,\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cAfter his birthday. I suppose he snuck out of the house.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know your brother well,\u201d Ben confirmed. \u201cWe only got one letter from him before\u2026before we got the letter from the army.\u201d Adam was about to try and comfort his father when he drew back. What Ben wouldn\u2019t have given for Adam to reach out to him. Adam stood.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t do this. I thought I could. I want to tell you. I do. It\u2019s kept me from even facing myself all this time, but Joe\u2026Oh God.\u201d Ben couldn\u2019t stand it. He tried to wrap his arms around his son. Adam threw him off.<\/p>\n \u201cNo! No, you can\u2019t Pa, not yet.\u201d Hoss watched in stunned silence, his open face wearing an expression of complete confusion and expectation. With Adam\u2019s back to him, Ben encouraged him to go on.<\/p>\n \u201cSay it, Son,\u201d Ben ordered. \u201cAdam, Joe\u2019s suffering is over. What you\u2019re putting yourself through is something he\u2019d hate.\u201d Adam leaned against the fireplace, staring into it as if he could see what Ben and Hoss couldn\u2019t, that terrible day when they lost Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cThe battle was over,\u201d Adam moaned, barely getting his voice above a whisper. \u201cWe were supposed to find the injured and get them to the wagons that would take them to the hospital. There were some Rebs. We took them too. There was a fire. It was advancing and several men were trapped. You could hear them screaming begging for help.\u201d Adam slammed his hand on the stone fireplace. Neither Ben nor Hoss moved, not even daring to look at each other.<\/p>\n \u201cFrom somewhere I heard this unearthly loud yell, a rebel yell. You got to know those yells. Hard to miss. I turned and fired. The man went down. Someone had been running with him. When our eyes met, I\u2026Joe\u2026His rifle was aimed at me, my pistol at him, thirty feet away from me, my own baby brother. Seemed like forever we just stared at each other, my finger on the trigger the whole time.\u201d Adam was crying now. Sinking to his knees he allowed Ben to help him sit on the chair, Ben sitting before him, and Hoss standing next to his father. Adam\u2019s face was down as if he were unable to look at anyone while he continued the worst part of his confession.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d never have shot him. Never! Joe started to put his rifle down, walking towards me with that silly grin of his. He looked so exhausted, so thin, I was worried about him, wondering how he could be standing there when he should have been safe here on the Ponderosa, not in the path of hell.\u201d Adam looked up at Ben with imploring brown eyes, so helpless.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on, Son,\u201d the father encouraged even though his own heart was thundering with his fear. How he wished he did not have to hear this and yet he knew he did, not just for Adam or Joe\u2019s sake or even Hoss, but for himself.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think I even heard the gun fire, didn\u2019t know I was hit till I stumbled forward and my gun went off. The bullet caught me in the back and forced me forward. The gun just went off. Everything went black. Funny how I thought at least Joe would know what happened to me and then my knees went out from under me and I hit the ground.\u201d Adam concluded. Ben felt as if a bullet had just pierced his own heart. Adam! He could have been killed. Controlling himself, he waited until Adam shook his head and went on. \u201cI don\u2019t know why I was surprised at being hit. There was death all around me, the trees on fire and the smoke and the piteous cries.\u201d Ben closed his eyes. This was the similarity between all his sons, the depth of their feelings. Of the three, only Adam would think to describe in such detail that Ben could actually feel as if he were there, right beside Adam, perhaps even able to stop him before\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cThe bullet was still inside me. It hurt so bad I couldn\u2019t catch my breath and I was damned scared but I didn\u2019t hear Joe and I knew that was bad. I managed to lift my head to look for him.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice escalated. Then\u2026\u201d Adam\u2019s face had been growing pale. Now his eyes reflected the certain horror that had thrown him over the edge. Ben put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder and Adam finished the grim tale tears falling down his thin cheeks, his eyes on the fireplace, anywhere but on the father he knew loved Little Joe more than anything on earth.<\/p>\n \u201cI saw him\u2026and I didn\u2019t feel the bullet any more, just that sickening realization you\u2019ve done the worst thing imaginable. Joe was down. Fool kid. My bullet, the one I didn\u2019t mean to shoot\u2026the one\u2026it hit him. It hit my own baby brother and there he was, trying to get to me, crawling an inch at a time, his determination\u2026well you know how his expressions are. I heard a sound that could only mean one thing, falling timber. I looked up and then back at Joe trying to get to him, but it was too late. He, he screamed such a high piercing scream and the burning tree came down\u2026\u201d Adam buried his face in his bandaged hands. With tears shining in his eyes, Ben pulled his son close while Adam fought him. Hoss sat quickly and quietly in a nearby chair, crying softly. Ben didn\u2019t let Adam go, just held him as tightly as he could, comforting him by rubbing the skeletal back. Ben was speechless. Feeling the need to do something he turned to Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, get your brother a glass of water please.\u201d Hoss nodded, perhaps glad to escape for even a few minute, his normally calm face almost distorted with his distress.<\/p>\n \u201cSure thing, Pa.\u201d Adam allowed his father to hold him for several minutes until Hoss came back.<\/p>\n \u201cHere ya go, Big Brother, cool and fresh.\u201d Hoss sat down again while Adam finally managed to sit up, sipping from the cup, keeping his eyes down. More minutes went by. No one spoke. Ben tried to find the right words to let Adam know he understood how he felt. The truth was there was no way to comprehend Adam\u2019s nightmare. Hoss spoke for him, breaking the tension that surrounded them.<\/p>\n \u201cI been thinking, Adam. If I was you I would have been as sad as you were. Tweren\u2019t no wonder ya couldn\u2019t talk. But ya didn\u2019t kill Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I did,\u201d Adam ground out. \u201cYou don\u2019t understand, Hoss. You weren\u2019t there.\u201d Hoss, whose heart overflowed with love for both his brothers was sitting down near Adam again. He shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re wrong, Adam. Don\u2019t tell ya that much, but this time it\u2019s true. Tweren\u2019t nothing ya coulda done bout what happened. It wasn\u2019t you killed Joe. It was war.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHoss is right, Adam,\u201d Ben told him. Adam looked to Ben with incredulous disbelief.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, Joe was your son, my brother. I killed him. How can you ever stand to look at me? Are you honestly going to tell me you aren\u2019t so angry you could kill me?\u201d Ben\u2019s intensity wasn\u2019t lost on either of his sons with his answer.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, how many times have we had to fight for our lives, against the Indians, men who wanted to take our home away from us, other men who wanted to hurt one of us? And how many times have my sons saved each other from certain death?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cToo many ta count,\u201d Hoss muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cExactly,\u201d Ben answered. \u201cHoss and I may not have been in the same war you were, but we\u2019ve fought plenty of them right here. Of course I\u2019m angry. I never wanted either of you boys to enlist. I can\u2019t address if it was right or wrong for either of you to fight. The fact is you did. The war took away our Joe\u2026my baby.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice choked. He didn\u2019t even try to keep the tears from coming as he leaned over and put his hands on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cBut I\u2019ll tell you this, Adam Cartright, I\u2019m not losing another son because he feels so guilty he can\u2019t face reality.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut, Pa!\u201d Adam tried one more time.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, if you\u2019re looking for me to blame you, I can only blame you for being there. I place the same blame on Joe.\u201d Ben swallowed hard again, clearly having difficulty with this. \u201cAnd I admit I feel hurt and angry that my sons had to face each other in battle, but don\u2019t you see? Even in the end, Joe thought only of you, and you thought only of him. What better gift can a man\u2019s sons give him than the love they have for each other.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow do ya know Joe was thinking of Adam?\u201d Hoss asked curiously.<\/p>\n \u201cIf Joe was trying to get to Adam, well that speaks for itself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you, too, Pa,\u201d Hoss agreed. Ben didn\u2019t answer. He knew he had spoiled Joe, knew his relationship with his youngest son had given him so much joy that his death had left him unable to function for weeks. Hoss brought them through, then broke down after Ben\u2019s recovery. Now it was Adam who had to recover, Adam who had to accept that their memory of Joe, sweet for the memories they shared and anguished for what might have been, wasn\u2019t one to be afraid of.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, do you think you can trust us to help you now?\u201d Ben asked his son. Adam looked down at his wrapped hands, shuddering for a minute. With a crestfallen appearance on his normally taut face, the oldest Cartwright son who had helped to raise his brothers, who was supposed to protect them met his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if I can learn to live without him, Pa,\u201d he admitted. \u201cHe\u2019s\u2026I keep wanting to take back what happened out there. How could he be there? Why? Why didn\u2019t he stay home?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThose are questions only Joe can answer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOnly he never will,\u201d Adam moaned. The men stood, hugging, holding each other close until they could hold back the emotions that were threatening them.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I\u2019d better change. You boys can tell Hop Sing to make your breakfast. Hoss the chores in the barn will wait. Stay with Adam please.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2026I\u2019m all right,\u201d Adam protested.<\/p>\n \u201cHumor me, Son,\u201d Ben pleaded. His strong hand clasped Adam\u2019s shoulder for a minute, the two men exchanging an understanding look. As he walked up the stairs, Ben looked down to see Hoss gather Adam in his arms again, hugging him close, and speaking words Ben couldn\u2019t hear, but knew would help Adam heal further. Upstairs, Ben tried to walk past Joe\u2019s door. He couldn\u2019t help standing outside the door for a minute. Joe! Joe! Adam! Oh, God, how could Joe\u2019s life have ended so cruelly. The father in Ben didn\u2019t just picture the the terror Joe must have known when the burning tree came down on him, he felt it. Joe. Without a sound, Ben\u2019s knees gave way, his body sliding down to the wooden floor where Joe used to walk every day. All this time he knew Joe was gone, but today, hearing Adam\u2019s words, hearing Adam tell them how Joe died, Ben finally had to accept that Joe was not coming home, not now not ever. How his sons heard him, Ben didn\u2019t know, but he felt them lift him to stand on wobbly legs, and all of them cried together again for what had been\u2026and never would be again.<\/p>\n Chapter 4<\/p>\n A year passed. Adam\u2019s return to his normal routine on the ranch wasn\u2019t easy. It took months for his confidence to return to what it had been. He couldn\u2019t have asked for better support from his father or brother for no where else could have received the unconditional acceptance he gave without hesitation. Many nights he woke screaming with nightmares. Ben was always there and if he was away, Hoss answered his pleas for help. They never spoke again of Joe\u2019s death, but didn\u2019t neglect to include him in their conversation, family teasing and daily life. Ben never confessed to his sons that despite Adam\u2019s story, he never felt as though Joe were gone. Somehow his son always seemed to be alive in his heart, his voice sometimes saying Pa in Joe\u2019s way. Ben wasn\u2019t sure if the sound gave him comfort or worried him. All he knew was that he\u2019d take Joe any way he could get him. He grieved for his favorite child and the wound at losing him never closed.<\/p>\n Fall again, Hoss thought stepping outside the house one glorious September morning. Seemed like yesterday ole Adam had come home. Now the books were ship shape as Ben said and Adam was almost back to normal. His brother\u2019s hand on his shoulder caused Hoss to turn around.<\/p>\n \u201cMorning Big Brother. Ready to mend some fence today?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s what Pa said was on the agenda,\u201d Adam agreed. \u201cIt\u2019s getting cold. Maybe I ought to let you do the hard work and I\u2019ll stay here to work on the books At least it\u2019s warm.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAw no ya don\u2019t,\u201d Hoss protested with his usual good nature. \u201cThat\u2019s Joe\u2019s trick ta git me ta do all the physical work. Don\u2019t you start now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, but Joe never had a good excuse to get out of the hard work,\u201d Adam laughed. Hoss chuckled at the thought. No matter what it was, Joe could always wrap him around his finger, get Hoss to do almost anything. Adam was tougher, but Joe had a way of cajoling even Adam and getting what he wanted. Joe\u2026The brothers were startled when they heard a horse approaching at a fast clip. Exchanging glances they stepped out into the yard in time to greet Sheriff Roy Coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cRoy?\u201d Adam called out. \u201cYou\u2019re out early this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, Hoss. Where\u2019s Ben this morning?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2019s gone ta San Francisco. Won\u2019t be home till next week,\u201d Hoss offered.<\/p>\n \u201cDamn,\u201d the sheriff expostulated. \u201cI was hoping he\u2019d be here. I got a telegram for him. Thought he ought to look at it.\u201d Dismounting the sheriff who was about Ben\u2019s age, of middle height and build with a balding brown head under his cowboy hat, wearing regular clothes and boots, his vest hiding his sheriff\u2019s badge, handed Adam the telegram.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d he warned. \u201cIt\u2019s from a sheriff friend of mine in a place called Lodi in California. It\u2019s\u2026well he says it\u2019s Joe.\u201d Adam\u2019s chocolate colored eyes shot to the sheriff, then to Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s impossible,\u201d the dark haired man protested.<\/p>\n \u201cRead it, Adam!\u201d Hoss pleaded, a range of emotions crossing his placid face. Adam shook his head, his hands trembling after reading the first few words.<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t, Hoss. You read it.\u201d Adam leaned against the fence they used to tie the horses. Hoss read the words that stunned the brothers.<\/p>\n \u201cTo Sheriff Roy Coffee. Stop. Joe Cartwright working for John Hawkins, Rancher. Stop. John asks for Ben Cartwright to come. Stop. Joe going by Joe Black. Stop. Please see me. Stop. Sheriff Patrick Rourke. Stop.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe Black?\u201d Hoss wondered out loud. Adam took the telegram back, and read it for himself. The sheriff spoke up.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Boys, what are ya gonna do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cObviously, we\u2019re going to Lodi,\u201d Adam answered in a dry tone, quickly collecting his emotions. \u201cIf Joe is there, we need to bring him home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut why would he be there?\u201d Hoss questioned further. \u201cWhy wouldn\u2019t he have come home?\u201d Adam hadn\u2019t forgotten how fragmented and devastated he was when he came home.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, we don\u2019t even know if this is Joe. I don\u2019t see how it can be, but if it is, then maybe the kid has a reason for not telling us he\u2019s safe. If Pa had left it up to me, I\u2019d still be sitting in that hospital in Illinois.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGuess I forgot,\u201d Hoss agreed. \u201cWe best send a telegram ta Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Sheriff, we\u2019ll be leaving as soon as we can. If I give you a telegram for Pa and one for Sheriff Rourke, can you send them for us?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBe glad to, Boys. What are you going to tell, Ben?\u201d Adam and Hoss exchanged glances.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can\u2019t send him news like this with a telegram,\u201d Adam mused.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can\u2019t keep it from him either. He\u2019ll have our heads.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll have to ask him to meet us in Lodi through the sheriff,\u201d Adam figured. \u201cNothing else for it.\u201d Adam\u2019s eyes rested on Hoss who finally nodded in agreement.<\/p>\n \u201cReckon it will do. What\u2019ll we tell him if it isn\u2019t Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe truth. Nothing for that either.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was grim and angry at the very thought this was a lie, Hoss could tell.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Hawkins is an old friend a Pa\u2019s,\u201d the younger brother offered. \u201cHe wouldn\u2019t make a statement like that lessen it was true.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam nodded keeping his thoughts to himself. The sheriff waited till he\u2019d written out the telegrams that were needed. After the lawman rode out of the yard, Adam and Hoss walked inside. Adam proceeded up the stairs much as he had the first day he came home while Hoss told Hop Sing what the sheriff said. The Chinaman started talking excitedly, retreating to the kitchen to get food and supplies ready for Hoss and Adam. Hoss hurried up the stairs after Adam. He found Joe\u2019s bedroom door open with Adam sitting on Joe\u2019s bed.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam?\u201d he asked coming into the room. \u201cReckon we ought ta hurry. Iffn we leave right quick we can git ta Lodi in three days.\u201d Adam lifted stricken eyes to Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if I can do this, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTarnation, Adam, why not?\u201d Hoss exclaimed. \u201cIt might be Joe! Do you know what it would mean ta Pa if\u2026ta all of us if Little Joe is alive? It\u2019d be a miracle that\u2019s right, a sure nough miracle.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI spent a year of my life denying the world existed because I thought I killed Joe,\u201d Adam tried to explain. \u201cAll that time I couldn\u2019t live with myself because\u2026because\u2026\u201d Hoss stopped Adam cold in his tracks.<\/p>\n \u201cWhatever happened between you and Joe, ya gotta remember what Pa always says, Adam. We\u2019re brothers and there aint nuthin that we can\u2019t resolve if we try. Ya won\u2019t be alone, member. We can talk about it as we go if ya want, but I\u2019d like ta git going as fast as we can.\u201d Adam stood, his face a little more relaxed, but barely.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll hold you to that, Hoss,\u201d he bargained. \u201cIf it really is Joe, it would be a miracle. Hoss, I\u2019d give my life to take back what happened in the Wilderness. I\u2019ve thought over the last year, even wished the tree fell on me rather than Joe, but the truth is, I\u2019m afraid to face him. I let him down.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow that I understand,\u201d Hoss agreed. \u201cWe aint exactly good at letting Joe down are we? Well this is one time when Joe\u2019s gonna know how much you cared about him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo! No, Hoss, you can\u2019t tell Joe what happened to me. Please. I don\u2019t want him to feel guilty. When he\u2019s home we can tell him, not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI aint making no promises Big Brother. I\u2019m just a going and I sure hope you\u2019re coming with me.\u201d Leaving the bedroom behind, Hoss chuckled at Adam\u2019s yell.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, don\u2019t you dare leave without me.\u201d Adam sounded almost like Joe, his voice slightly pleading and demanding at the same time. There were several things that needed to be done before the brothers could really leave, including leaving instructions for Nick about the ranch and the payroll, packing some clothes in their saddle bags and making sure they had first-aid supplies and enough food for the trail. It would be a long ride, but there was a rainbow at the end of it, Hoss thought with glee. JOE! JOE!<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re coming fer ya, Little Brother. We\u2019re coming and once I get ya in my clutches I aint letting ya go nowhere again.\u201d Hoss saddled Adam\u2019s horse Sport and his own Chubb with joy. He shared none of Adam\u2019s reservations. They had reached Adam, he and their Pa had. If they could reach Adam, they could reach Little Joe. He was going to bring his little brother home\u2026period.<\/p>\n Chapter 5<\/p>\n \nThree days later<\/p>\n \u201cADAM! PA! HOSS!\u201d Joe screamed waking in a terror filled sweat. Momentarily John Hawkins raced into the room to hold the young man who was still half-asleep. Joe\u2019s eyes wildly moved about the room while John reminded him it was only a dream. In a moment the young man was lying down sleeping again. From the doorway, John\u2019s son, Bob spoke softly.<\/p>\n \u201cHe okay, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Son, he\u2019s sleeping. He won\u2019t remember this dream any more than he remembers the others I expect.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe sure can wake the dead,\u201d Bob commented. \u201cI dunno how he puts in a full day after a dream like that.\u201d John chuckled while pulling the blankets up over Joe, leaving a lamp on by the door as Joe always did. The boy hated the dark. John slung his arm over Bob\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s a strong young man. Takes after his father. Now back to bed with you, Son. We\u2019ve both got work to do and dawn is just a hair\u2019s breath away from now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d Bob asked, his tone still filled with the hero worship he had for Joe. \u201cDo ya think Joe\u2019s gonna be mad ya sent for his Pa? I mean he don\u2019t know he tole ya who his pa was. He might be hiding from his pa for a reason.\u201d<\/p>\n John shut Joe\u2019s bedroom door, walking down the hall towards his room and Bob\u2019s. There were four bedrooms on the second floor and the two on the first floor that housed three more men who helped out on the ranch. Hopefully the men were still asleep. Everyone was aware of Joe\u2019s nightmares, although Joe always swore he couldn\u2019t even remember having them much less remembering what they were about. John stood with his son outside the teen\u2019s bedroom door, open to the naked eye to see the rumpled bed and clothes thrown about.<\/p>\n \u201cBob, I don\u2019t know what happened to Joe that he\u2019s hiding his true identity. I don\u2019t even know if Ben knew where he was. I just had to make sure. Since Adam and Hoss are coming, it could be Ben had a falling out with the boy even though it\u2019s obvious there\u2019s a deep bond there. What I want you to remember is that nothing, nothing is ever important enough for it to come between you and me. I\u2019ve only got me one son and I aim ta make sure ya know yer place.\u201d<\/p>\n Bob grinned, secure in his father\u2019s love, and the phrase John often said. Yer place meant a place in his father\u2019s heart which John had instilled in his son since he was a baby. John Hawkins home was a happy hard working home, and Bob wasn\u2019t ashamed to hug his father before going to bed.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll remember, Pa. Hope if Joe needs a friend he\u2019ll know I\u2019ll help him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYa won\u2019t be able ta help anyone iffn ya don\u2019t git ta bed,\u201d John scolded good naturedly. Bob nodded his agreement returning to his bed while John returned to his. His wife, Martha was awake and they talked for several minutes about Joe, wondering what the boy would do when confronted by his family.<\/p>\n \u201cBen holds great store by his boys,\u201d John muttered lying down with his wife cuddling next to him. \u201cI can\u2019t imagine what would have turned Joe away from his home and family.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJohn we\u2019ve talked about this,\u201d Martha replied. \u201cWe won\u2019t know anything till Adam and Hoss get here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Ben,\u201d John agreed. Quiet filled the farmhouse again as midnight chimed it\u2019s time from a clock downstairs. The next time anyone heard anything it was the rooster outside announcing it was time to get up. John and his wife were always the first ones up, except for Joe who usually beat them to watch the sun rise and do some of the early morning barn chores like milking the cow and cleaning the stalls. This morning was no exception. Joe came in looking like he\u2019d already put in a full days word. Martha scolded the boy as he prepared to sit down at the long kitchen table where Clem, Jack and Davey, the three ranch hands were already eating with John and Rob.<\/p>\n \u201cOh no you don\u2019t Joe Cartwright,\u201d she started, gasping at her words and John\u2019s reproving look along with Joe\u2019s white face. Without a word, the young man turned and left the kitchen, a large homey room with a fireplace behind the kitchen table and plenty of room for the men to sit down to a fine cooked meal three times a day. Martha put the plate of eggs she was holding onto the table. The men were looking at their boss with curiosity while Bob just waited.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on and eat, all a ya. Don\u2019t pay ya for sitting around,\u201d John chided in his gruff way. \u201cWe got lots of horses to bust today. Let\u2019s get moving. And leave Joe alone.\u201d He left the table following Joe outside. Leaning against a paddock fence where several of the wild horses they were taming were kept, Joe\u2019s fists were clenched tight on the wood. John didn\u2019t dare touch the stiffened back. With the wisdom born of age and fatherhood, he waited for Joe to speak. When time ticked by and the sun crept up in the sky, John rolled his eyes. How stubborn the young could be, he thought.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, times a wasting. If yer planning on hitting me or something, I\u2019d appreciate it if ya would git it done with. I got a ranch ta run.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe kept his eyes on the horses, his voice unusually nervous and distressed, more like it sounded when he was having a nightmare compared to his normal tone.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019d ya know?\u201d he demanded.<\/p>\n \u201cYou had a nightmare, the other night. You were calling for your pa again. When you called out for Ben, Adam and Hoss, well I figured it out. Ya had another one last night, called for em again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou figured it out? How?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, your father and I were together when Inger was killed. Unfortunately we\u2019ve only been able to keep in touch with letters since he started the Ponderosa and I came to Lodi.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t remember,\u201d Joe said. \u201cBut what else is new?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean, Joe?\u201d Joe closed his eyes. Turning to his employer, he unbuttoned his shirt. As he did, John was wondering what the young man was doing. It was fall and cold enough the boy shouldn\u2019t be taking off his shirt. He realized as Joe took off the left sleeve, then the shirt and the right sleeve that he\u2019d never seen Joe without a shirt on, not even on the hot summer days when the other men were shirtless for a good part of the day. Now he saw why. Joe\u2019s back and side were scarred with healed burns.<\/p>\n \u201cBurning tree almost got me in the Wilderness.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe wilderness?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDuring the war,\u201d Joe admitted. \u201cWhen Adam was killed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhoa, wait a minute,\u201d John said. \u201cIs that why you didn\u2019t go home? Because of your brother?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI couldn\u2019t save him,\u201d Joe said. \u201cHe got shot cause he was out in the open, cause he was coming ta either hug me or yell at me. I don\u2019t know which. Then his gun went off and the tree fell. Bullet caught me and I couldn\u2019t get out from under.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy God,\u201d John breathed.<\/p>\n \u201cSome men pulled me free. Branches hit me mostly but it was pretty bad for a long time. War ended and I was still in the hospital. Didn\u2019t know who I was. When I finally remembered, I couldn\u2019t go home. I couldn\u2019t face Pa and Hoss. I couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, don\u2019t you know how crazy your pa must be worrying about you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI killed Adam!\u201d Joe yelled.<\/p>\n John caught Joe before he could walk away turning him around. Joe lifted his hand to strike out. John was big enough he could grab Joe\u2019s hand and turn the boy around, holding him tight as Joe trembled.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I\u2019ve told Bob and I\u2019m telling you. There\u2019s nothing a son can do that would cause his father to turn him away. You have to let your family know where you are. Do you know Ben thinks you\u2019re dead?\u201d Joe pushed away from the older man who released him.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s a lie,\u201d Joe cried, seeing right away it wasn\u2019t. John wasn\u2019t the kind of man to lie at all much less about something like that. Joe shook his head. Leaning against the fence again, he burst into tears. John dared to put his hand across Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to go home,\u201d Joe admitted. \u201cA year ago, before I came here. Just something pulling me I guess, but I couldn\u2019t get up the courage. Then the more time that went by, the harder it got.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think you could go home now?\u201d John asked, silently realizing that maybe it was a good thing his wife had let out the truth, even if it was by accident.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Mr. Hawkins. I\u2019ll have to think about it.\u201d Before John could say more, Joe walked away. John thought about going after Joe, but decided otherwise. There\u2019d be time enough for Joe to learn that Adam was alive. It would be a very happy surprise for the boy. He went back to the house, not seeing Joe mounted on his horse, Dandy, brown and white Pinto, leaving the barn.<\/p>\n Joe took off at a fast clip, leaving the ranch behind quickly. With wild abandon, he rode just as he used to on the Ponderosa. Only Joe wasn\u2019t as familiar with this ranch as he was with the Ponderosa where he knew every pot hole and dip in the ground. His mind wasn\u2019t on riding either. It was on Adam. He knew now what all those nightmares were about, remembered fleeting pictures of them, of Adam being shot in the back, his body arching forward and then falling face down. The last Joe saw of him was his face barely able to lift itself to gaze at him sadly, to gaze at Joe as he tried to crawl towards them and then he\u2019d heard the tree and screamed\u2026screamed in abject terror, certain the tree was going to fall on him. At the very last second, one of his friends had pulled him back from the worst of it so that the burning timber only got his back and side. He didn\u2019t remember anything until months later. By then the war was almost over.<\/p>\n \u201cADAM!\u201d Joe yelled. \u201cADAM! I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d Joe\u2019s holler echoed in his mind for there was no one to hear him but the horse who was jittery enough as he galloped at undue speeds across the range. Joe knew he was riding to ruin. In the back of his mind he could hear Ben\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, how many times have I told you not to ride too fast?\u201d Dandy stumbled going down on both knees neatly throwing Joe over his head, taking the dark haired young man so by surprise that he barely realized he was flying through the air until his body hit the ground with a thud, his head hitting a fallen tree, and his left arm taking the brunt of the fall. He came to a sudden irrevocable halt\u2026and let the wings of darkness take him away from the torment in his soul.<\/p>\n Chapter 6<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright rode across the countryside on the horse he\u2019d rented at the last train stop from San Francisco. The train didn\u2019t go all the way to Lodi, so he rode as he had all his life, only this time he was worried. Over and over in his mind he re read the simple telegraph sent from his oldest son now three days ago.<\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d Adam wrote. \u201cUrgent you meet Hoss and me in Lodi. We\u2019re fine. Please hurry. Will be there in three days.\u201d Adam\u2019s message was almost cryptic in it\u2019s meaning. Ben couldn\u2019t make heads or tails out of it. In his own turn, thinking of his friend, John Hawkins, he sent the man a telegram telling him he\u2019d be in Lodi and would come to visit\u2026if the emergency didn\u2019t turn out badly, Ben amended to himself. There was no pleasure in this ride, not in the country that was slightly unfamiliar to him though he had crossed this way before. Arriving in the busy town, and stabling his horse, he found the sheriff\u2019s office empty. He headed for the hotel, knowing he was probably earlier than his sons. It was a hard three days ride from the Ponderosa to Lodi. He\u2019d leave a message at the hotel for his sons.<\/p>\n \u201cBen!\u201d John Hawkins called to the gray haired rancher. Ben looked up, recognizing the voice only a few feet from him. Around them, people went about their business, driving wagons, and buggies, stopping at the mercantile and saloon or walking from one building to the next as necessary. Oblivious of others, the men who had not seen each other in a decade hugged and shook hands, smiling and laughing in their greeting.<\/p>\n \u201cYa old cout,\u201d John laughed. \u201cWhat happened ta that head a dark hair. It\u2019s either gone or turned gray.\u201d Ben felt a sting in his chest thinking of Joe and how often he teased his son about turning his father\u2019s hair gray. Lightening the answer, he patted John\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cThree sons, John. Each one a challenge.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI hear that,\u201d John agreed. \u201cI came to town looking for your boys, Ben. Thought they might be here today. The sheriff stopped by my place. He had to go down to Modesto, so I figured I\u2019d best meet them myself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was just headed to the hotel. I figured the boys might be there,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cAdam told me it was urgent. Wait a minute. Now I know I sent you a telegram. How did you know the boys would be coming?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I sent for them, Ben. Actually I sent a telegram to you. How come you didn\u2019t come with them?\u201d Walking down the boardwalks towards the hotel, Ben told his friend where he\u2019d been and how he came to beat the boys to Lodi.<\/p>\n \u201cThank goodness for trains,\u201d John sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cStill like a good horse,\u201d Ben told him. They entered the hotel together. Ben couldn\u2019t help being disappointed that his boys weren\u2019t there. He asked at the front desk where the desk claimed ignorance at seeing two men matching Adam or Hoss\u2019 description. John patted Ben\u2019s shoulder again.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t we go into the dining room, Ben?\u201d he suggested. \u201cYou must be starved and so am I.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWon\u2019t Martha be expecting you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNah. Bob and the men are working. She knows I\u2019d want ta talk with ya a bit and we might have ta wait for the boys or vice versa if the boys got here first. I\u2019ll even pay the bill.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell in that case,\u201d Ben smiled. \u201cLet me leave a note for Adam and Hoss first.\u201d Ben wrote a note urging Adam and Hoss to meet him out at John\u2019s ranch, leaving directions which John gave him, then tipped the clerk so he wouldn\u2019t forget to give his sons the note. Then he gave his attention to John. With the years and distance between them falling away, the two friends sat down to an excellently prepared lunch, thick steak, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans and carrots, so tender they fell apart on your fork and apple pie for dessert. Even the coffee was exceptional, Ben complimented the waitress who simply smiled and told Ben they had the best cook this side of the Mississippi. Ben raised his eyebrows. John put his napkin down on the table, sitting back in the chair.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell Martha, Ben,\u201d he pleaded. \u201cBut she\u2019s right. Whatever Todd Bridges is paying the cook, it aint enough.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell Hop Sing,\u201d Ben teased back. \u201cHis cooking can almost rival this. Don\u2019t tell Hoss either. I\u2019ll never get him out of Lodi.\u201d The men burst out laughing. John knew all about Ben\u2019s sons from his rambling letters.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, John,\u201d Ben finally started still sipping on coffee. \u201cWhat is so urgent you needed me?\u201d Ben couldn\u2019t fathom the change that came over John\u2019s face, but he recognized the expression as one that his own sons must have seen on his face before. It was the expression of a father who is worried. Sudden fear came to live with Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cJohn? Is it Bob? Is something wrong with him?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, no, Ben. No, Bob\u2019s right as rain, a son any man would be proud of. Ben, I don\u2019t know how to say this. I swear on a stack of bibles, I would have telegraphed ya the minute the boy walked on the ranch if I\u2019d known who he was, but after twelve years, well the boy\u2019s a man and he\u2019s hard to place as yours, cept for his temper of course.\u201d Ben\u2019s fear turned to confusion.<\/p>\n \u201cJohn? What are you talking about. What boy?\u201d John\u2019s kind, empathetic brown eyes centered on Ben\u2019s. His next words hung in the air for several seconds until their true meaning kicked Ben in the gut, slamming the air out of him.<\/p>\n \u201cYour boy, Ben, Joe. Joe\u2019s been working for me for about eight months.\u201d It was a good thing Ben was sitting as the world spun around him, a sudden roaring in his ears sending him into a world where everything seemed distant and surreal. When he felt a liquid burning his throat, his eyes focused on John sitting next to him, calling his name. Why did John\u2019s voice seem so distant, Ben thought until he remembered what John said.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d he gasped, the name barely said above a ragged whisper. \u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTake some deep breaths, Ben. Hey, Old Friend. This is good news I\u2019m giving ya.\u201d Ben moved quickly grabbing John by the shirt with his strong grip. John was not flustered.<\/p>\n \u201cYou knew? You knew where he was and you didn\u2019t tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBen I just said I didn\u2019t,\u201d John replied. \u201cNot only that, but I didn\u2019t know until this morning all that had gone on between Joe and Adam. Joe just told me a few hours ago. He\u2019s out riding now. I\u2019m guessing he\u2019s got some thinking to do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThinking? About what?\u201d Ben let John go, listening to the man while he straightened his shirt, apparently not at all offended by Ben\u2019s actions.<\/p>\n \u201cIf I had ta guess, I\u2019d say he\u2019s deciding what he wants to do now that someone else knows who he is, and maybe dealing with all the emotions he has about his brother. Ben, Joe thinks Adam was killed in that skirmish they were in.\u201d Ben took another sip of the brandy John had given him, ordered hastily from the waitress. The dining room wasn\u2019t full but there was a fair share of customers who all returned reluctantly to their meals which probably weren\u2019t as interesting as what was going on with Ben. Ben closed his eyes again.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe we should go on back to the ranch,\u201d John suggested. \u201cJoe will be there and maybe the boys have found their way.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben murmured again.<\/p>\n \u201cBen? Did ya hear me?\u201d John queried.<\/p>\n \u201cI heard you,\u201d Ben nodded standing. He dug in his pocket for money, but John stopped him.<\/p>\n \u201cYour money is no good here, Friend. I know the owner and we have a standing agreement. He\u2019ll be paid. Let\u2019s go. Do you have a horse?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAt the stable,\u201d Ben answered. \u201cI sent most of my things on to Virginia City, so I\u2019ve just got the rented horse and some saddle bags.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got a couple horses I keep at the stable. You can leave the rental horse there and Carter, the livery owner will make arrangements for its return.\u201d Ben gave John an admiring smile that didn\u2019t reach to his distressed eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve done well, John. I\u2019m impressed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBen, we got to be friends because we both believe peace and good will is the best way to end the day, not that it\u2019s always possible but we can always try. I haven\u2019t changed that much over the years. I can tell you haven\u2019t either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I suppose I haven\u2019t,\u201d Ben agreed. Stepping outside, Ben searched again for his sons but still did not see them. While following John to the stable, he wondered if he should be worrying at their delay.<\/p>\n \u201cJohn, you haven\u2019t gotten any telegrams from the boys have you?\u201d Ben asked as they entered the livery stable.<\/p>\n \u201cOnly the one that told me they were coming. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, just hoping you\u2019d heard.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope you haven\u2019t changed, Ben, still a bit overprotective of your boys.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUh huh and aren\u2019t you the same way?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course, but that doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t tease you about it,\u201d John laughed.<\/p>\n Ben couldn\u2019t help laughing with him. He suddenly felt a little more lighthearted. Joseph! Joseph was alive! His son whom he thought he\u2019d never see again, whom he had grieved for for almost two years. A smile spread across his face. Thinking of Adam and all the heartache he had gone through, no they had gone through, Ben almost understood why Joe hadn\u2019t come home. He couldn\u2019t help feeling pride in Joe\u2019s love for his brother, such love that he couldn\u2019t face his family, feeling as if he\u2019d killed Adam, not that Ben wasn\u2019t going to give his son what for when he finally saw him, after he hugged him and told him how much he loved him. A thought came to Ben as he followed John down towards the livery. What if Joe really didn\u2019t want his father\u2019s love? Ben\u2019s smile vanished. Emotions of the unspeakable grief he\u2019d felt over Joe\u2019s death washed over him. He knew without a doubt, no matter what Joe thought or felt, Ben would never ever give up on his son, anymore than he had on Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d he kept repeating to himself after John allowed him one of his horses to ride and the men rode out to John\u2019s ranch. John seemed to understand Ben\u2019s need for introspection, and thought. They were at the ranch before Ben realized they\u2019d ridden at all. John\u2019s wife Martha and son, Bob, a lanky boy with a shock of red hair met Ben and John with welcoming words and then worry.<\/p>\n \u201cJohn, Joe hasn\u2019t come home yet,\u201d Martha told her husband. \u201cYou don\u2019t think he\u2019s left do you?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben felt his lips purse together.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen I left his things were still in his room. Are they still there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, but I\u2019m worried.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMe too. What do ya say, Ben? Shall we go after that boy of yours?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCertainly, John, right away. But how do we find him? Do you know which way he went? If Hoss were here, he could track him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can track him, Ben. Remember, I know my horses and Joe took his favorite a brown and white pinto that he uses on the ranch. She\u2019s got distinctive tracks.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank-God,\u201d Ben breathed. \u201cJohn, Joe has a knack for getting himself into trouble. If he\u2019s been gone too long, we might want to have a wagon follow us. Just in case.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEasy enough,\u201d John agreed. \u201cBob, get one of the men to help you put blankets on the bottom of the wagon. Then we\u2019ll need more blankets and canteens with water. Martha\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get my first aide supplies,\u201d Martha agreed. \u201cBen come in and get something to drink before you boys head out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBoys?\u201d Ben couldn\u2019t help smiling. \u201cBeen a long time since I was called that, Martha. I\u2019ll put my things inside if you don\u2019t mind. John and I ate in town.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh,\u201d Martha sighed. \u201cSo that\u2019s why some of my good stew is going to waste, John Hawkins. Well, just for that, we\u2019ll have stew for dinner.\u201d John pulled his wife into his arms, hugging her and giving her kiss cajoling her with kind words while Ben observed. After placating the lady, they left their horses outside, and entered the two story sturdy wood farmhouse. It was easily as large as the Ponderosa, and it felt just as warm and homey as his own great room. Ben wasn\u2019t very patient. He put his satchels down on the dining room table which was towards the back of the house, then hurried back outside. John joined him shortly, bringing some bedrolls and canteens.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can get going. I did see where the tracks headed this morning. Joe likes to take wild rides up towards the river. He\u2019s pretty predictable that way.<\/p>\n \u201cNot in too many others,\u201d Ben grunted. John threw his arm around Ben\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Ben, we\u2019ll find the boy. He may just be sulking somewhere.\u201d Ben didn\u2019t argue. He mounted his horse following John once again, his heart now choking him with worry. In the course of hours his life had veered off in a course he never anticipated, learning that his beloved son\u2026his Joseph was alive and then wondering if he was lying out in the wilderness hurt somewhere or worse or just afraid to come back to the ranch where he was clearly cared about. Ben meant to have answers and soon. Problem was, soon couldn\u2019t come fast enough for a father who needed more than anything else in the world to hold his youngest son in his arms and let him know he was loved.<\/p>\n Chapter 7<\/p>\n Joe lay where he had fallen, his right arm lying at a strange angle to his body, his dark curls awash with blood that was drying now under the warm sun. Joe didn\u2019t think to take a jacket when he left the house. He shivered as he started to waken, his body icy from shock.<\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered. \u201cOh, Pa\u2026I wish\u2026\u201d Pain from his head and arm assaulted the young man taking his breath away when he tried to move. Fear, like an insidious wave flowed over him, dragging him down till he thought to assess his injuries and see what he could do for himself. Moving his head at all caused him to fight excruciating pain along with dark spots in front of his eyes. Lifting his right arm a sliver off the ground caused the same affect. Moving his legs, he felt sore, but there at least he felt nothing was broken. His other arm and back seemed to be uninjured as well. His ribs hurt, but the effort to check them was just too much. For a second Joe closed his eyes. He\u2019d done it this time. Opening his eyes he looked around and tried to get a sense of where he was.<\/p>\n Joe could see he was lying off the main road. When he heard squawking, he quailed at the sight of buzzards flying overhead. Blood always brought buzzards, Joe thought cryptically only he wasn\u2019t dead yet and he sure didn\u2019t intend to let those buzzards get any closer than they were.<\/p>\n \u201cHelp!\u201d he yelled. \u201cSomeone help!\u201d Pain slammed into him, sending him into darkness for a few seconds until he fought back, only to realize there was no one to help him, on one to even know he\u2019d been hurt. By the sun overhead, he knew he\u2019d been out a long time, several hours at least. Would Mr. Hawkins realize he\u2019d been gone too long, he wondered. Deciding that his boss was a father just like his own, he figured the older man would come eventually. He just had to be patient. His arm screamed at him along with his head. Feeling woozy, Joe lifted his left hand to touch his head. He could feel the liquid on the side of his face. If he bled more\u2026a new fear came to Joe. He didn\u2019t want to die this way. He should have gone home, should have told his father what he\u2019d done. Pa\u2026Ben Cartwright. Joe remembered how he snuck out of the house in the middle of the night, knowing how disappointed and angry Ben would be by his enlistment. Joining up to fight for the South, for his mother\u2019s home state had been something Joe believed he had to do. He\u2019d been wrong. He knew that now, knew that nothing would ever take away the bloodbath he had witnessed in the Wilderness.<\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered again. \u201cAdam\u2026Hoss\u2026\u201d He thought of each of them, Joe did, the father who cherished his sons and raised them with such high expectations that Joe often felt he would never measure up. Then there was Hoss, his big brother and his best friend. How often had Joe thought of Hoss over the past two years, yearning to hear that laugh or quiet voice or see him fall in the lake trying to catch that old bullfrog that had teased them since they were boys with his escaping jumps? Too many to count, Joe thought fondly. Joe\u2019s eyes focused on the buzzards. They were flying awfully low. His left hand sought protection, a stick, a rock, anything to keep them at bay. They wouldn\u2019t come close as long as he was alive, but still, the sight of em was unnerving.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d he breathed now. \u201cMy fault, my fault. If I\u2019d never left the Ponderosa, you might be alive now. You\u2019d be at the Ponderosa with Hoss and Pa. You\u2019d be home. Adam.\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes fluttered shut against the pain that ripped at him, his throat constricting with thirst and tears. He felt so far away and all he could do was call for the family he loved.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam\u2026Pa\u2026Hoss.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice was carried on the wind, but evaporated before it got far. It was the buzzards who brought help while he lingered between life and death, not daring to close his eyes and not sure how long he could stay awake. Horses caused the young man to try and move, definitely a wrong decision. His cry echoed through the air.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, over here,\u201d a voice cried out. Through the fog in his mind, and the pain that kept him from being fully cognizant, Joe was only relieved help had arrived. Trying to talk he found his throat was tight and he was having difficulty to keep from crying. The voice called out again.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss! It\u2019s Joe. Oh Little Buddy, what have you gotten yourself into this time?\u201d Adam asked his little brother. \u201cHoss bring our bedrolls.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomeone\u2019s coming, Adam,\u201d Hoss hollered back. \u201cMen on horseback and a wagon.\u201d A gentle hand touched Joe\u2019s arm. Moaning, Joe tried to tell him to stop.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m just checking to see how badly your arm is broken. Joe? Can you talk to me, tell me if you\u2019re hurt anywhere else. Joe?\u201d Joe tried hard to open his eyes. He had to see, had to know that he wasn\u2019t hallucinating.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d he mumbled. \u201cAdam\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s right, Joe. It\u2019s me, Adam. And Hoss is here too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Hoss cried. \u201cAdam, it’s Pa and I bet that\u2019s Mr. Hawkins with him and a wagon.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe heard the ground crunch under Hoss\u2019 heavy footsteps. Tenderly a blanket was placed over him. He barely felt the warmth, he was shivering so, so cold, so cold.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s bad, Hoss,\u201d Adam said. \u201cGod only knows how long he\u2019s been lying out here.\u201d Adam\u2019s tone was laced with worry. Joe knew he was hearing things. Adam was dead. Adam was gone.<\/p>\n \u201cHey Punkin,\u201d Hoss said to his brother. \u201cPa\u2019s gonna be here in a second.\u201d Hoss\u2019 big palm touched Joe\u2019s face.<\/p>\n HOSS! ADAM! PA!<\/em> Joe\u2019s heart fluttered. They were here. They were all here.<\/p>\n \u201cYer right, Adam. He\u2019s awful cold.\u201d Another blanket weighed Joe down. Joe\u2019s cries rent through the air as Adam gently put his arm in a sling.<\/p>\n \u201cThis neckerchief will keep his arm immobile till we get home,\u201d Adam said. \u201cJoe, Joe, take it easy. Hoss here, being the big galut he is is going to pick you up and take you to the wagon. Pa\u2019s going to be all over you, so you rest easy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAlways giving orders,\u201d Joe thought. \u201cAint changed.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s chuckle was music to Joe\u2019s ears.<\/p>\n \u201cI heard that Little Buddy, and no I haven\u2019t changed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s still bossy, but it\u2019s a good bossy, Punkin,\u201d Hoss told him. Hoss\u2019 arms were strong, cradling Joe to him. Feeling safe for the first time since he\u2019d left for the war, Joe rested his head against Hoss\u2019 shoulder. His big brother\u2019s movement was almost graceful, Joe barely feeling himself being transported.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss! Adam!\u201d Ben exclaimed. \u201cIs it Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s Joe, Pa,\u201d Adam confirmed running to his father while Hoss stayed by Joe\u2019s side. \u201cHe\u2019s taken a fall.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow bad,\u201d Ben demanded.<\/p>\n Joe could hear his father\u2019s voice shaking. Pa, it\u2019s all right, he wanted to tell him. I\u2019ll be all right.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa. He\u2019s got a broken arm and a head wound. He\u2019s conscious but can\u2019t seem to answer our questions.”<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d Ben\u2019s cry was one Joe recognized, the one he used when Joe rode his horse into the yard too fast, or got in the way of a gun or did something else that got him hurt.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s alive,\u201d Ben breathed. \u201cMy baby, my Joseph is alive.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe was startled as the realization came to him. His Pa thought Joe was dead. So that was why they never came to the hospital to see him. That was why\u2026but maybe they still blamed him\u2026no Adam was alive\u2026What had Adam told them about that day they met in the Wilderness. Ben\u2019s hand brushed away the dark curls that were still soft. His kiss on the cold forehead caught Joe unaware. Slowly, ever so slowly his green eyes managed to open to narrow slits. Hungrily Joe took in the father and brothers loved so much.<\/p>\n \u201cPa! Oh Pa! I didn\u2019t\u2026know\u2026I\u2026I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben squeezed Joe\u2019s good hand, his chocolate colored eyes locked on his son\u2019s at the rear of the wagon they had finally reached.<\/p>\n \u201cSh, Joe. Just rest, just take it easy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa\u2026no\u2026Adam\u2026Hoss.\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes went to his brothers, then back to his father. His sight was growing blurry. Trying hard to stay awake, he wanted nothing more than to hug his father to him and tell him that he should never have left home.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, I can sit in the wagon. I\u2019ll hold Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, we don\u2019t know if his back is hurt or what,\u201d Adam cautioned. \u201cHe should lie flat.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t think his back was hurt. Still pain seemed to be at him every second, keeping him in this endless daze. He hurt everywhere. Grudgingly he had to admit his brother was right.<\/p>\n \u201cLie him flat on the blankets, Hoss,\u201d John Hawkins suggested. \u201cBen you can sit next to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t seen him in a lifetime,\u201d Ben groaned. \u201cHe\u2019s my son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s a strong boy, Ben. Don\u2019t frighten him with your fear.\u201d John\u2019s wisdom was a part of the man Joe appreciated.<\/p>\n \u201cPa,\u201d he whispered, opening his eyes again. Hoss gently deposited his brother on the blankets in the wagon. They felt soft adding a little warmth finally to his shivering body. Someone pulled more blankets over him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m here, Son.\u201d Joe stared at his father. Adam stood on the side of the wagon with Hoss, and Mr. Hawkins was at the end of the wagon.<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2026\u201d Joe whispered. \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t know why he was apologizing. As another wave of pain, this one from his side assaulted him, he lifted his hand. Ben\u2019s clasp was instantaneous. \u201cPa\u2026\u201d Joe felt an inner peace come over him. He was safe now, safe with his family. Flickering his eyelids, Joe tried again to stay awake. Involuntarily they fluttered shut. Joe felt his head roll to the side. For a just a few minutes more he heard his father\u2019s frantic cry, heard Adam and Hoss calling to him. He couldn\u2019t answer. He didn\u2019t know if he ever would again, but he\u2019d witnessed two miracles. Adam was alive\u2026and he, Joe was part of his family again.<\/p>\n Chapter 8<\/p>\n Adam sat by his brother\u2019s side, waiting for a sign that Joe would wake up. On the other side of the bed, his father was brushing back the dark curly locks. Hours had passed since the doctor had come and gone. Joe\u2019s arm was splinted, his head bandaged and his broken ribs bound. The doctor was optimistic Joe would recover, once he woke up. Head injuries were tricky he told the family. The fact Joe had been awake even for a short time was good news. Adam wasn\u2019t sure of anything at this point. Taking Joe\u2019s hand in his, he didn\u2019t think he was baring his heart in front of his father. He just wanted to reach Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Little Buddy. I wanted to tell you if you\u2019ll just wake up that I\u2019ll do your chores for a month. I been doing them for a while now anyway, another month won\u2019t hurt. Hoss will help me.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben couldn\u2019t help chuckling.<\/p>\n \u201cYou better wake up, Son,\u201d he put in. \u201cYour brother\u2019s telling a whopper. Hoss and I have been doing your chores since you left. Adam\u2019s doing the books. Without him we\u2019d probably go bankrupt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d Adam protested. He and his father exchanged understanding looks before Adam returned his attention to his brother. \u201cJoe, I missed you. I thought\u2026well we all thought you died in The Wilderness. Did you know that? I blamed myself for a long time. I know how hard it was to come home. We all understand, Joe. The war isn\u2019t really over for you is it? But maybe it will be if you wake up so you can come home. Joe, please. Please.\u201d Adam laid his head on the bed, his exhaustion catching up with him. A full morning in the saddle, finding Joe on the trail, getting his brother the help he needed, his father\u2019s arrival and the doctor\u2019s visit was a little more than any of them could handle. Hoss was resting now at Ben\u2019s insistence.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam,\u201d Ben\u2019s voice called to his son who was trying hard not to cry. Slowly, the dark haired man lifted his head as Joe moved his head a little.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d Ben urged his son. \u201cCome on, Son. Time to wake up. You can do it, Son. Joseph. Now. Wake up!\u201d Ben\u2019s voice took on that paternal tone his sons\u2019 seldom ignored.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d Joe moaned. \u201cPa? Hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere, Joe? Where does it hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust hurts. Pa!\u201d Joe\u2019s eyelids snapped open as he tried to sit up. \u201cADAM! ADAM!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSh, Joe! I\u2019m here,\u201d Both Ben and Adam sprang to their feet, Ben leaning on the bed with his knee to hold Joe down and Adam pressing the younger brother back before he could move further. \u201cJoe! You\u2019ve got busted ribs. Move like that again and you\u2019ll shove one into your lung. BE STILL!\u201d Laying back, Joe closed his eyes, moving his left hand to his stomach and then back towards Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d Ben asked. \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m here, Pa,\u201d Joe answered. Again he opened the green eyes Ben and Adam and Hoss missed for so long, this time looking from Ben to Adam then back to Ben joking about Adam\u2019s major character flaw, at least to him. \u201cHe\u2019s so damned bossy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWatch your language young man,\u201d Ben ordered as usual. \u201cAnd in this instance he has a good reason for being bossy. Oh, Joseph.\u201d Ben couldn\u2019t help leaning over, kissing Joe\u2019s forehead. His son\u2019s smile was his reward.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d he started. \u201cI\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSh, Joe,\u201d Ben hushed. \u201cDid you hear Adam before?\u201d Ben\u2019s warm paternal countenance was quickly smoothing over the tension Joe was emulating as he became more awake.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, something about the war not being over. He\u2019s right.\u201d Joe\u2019s gaze went to Adam. \u201cGuess I have to admit it. You\u2019re right. War isn\u2019t over for me. Adam, I thought I\u2019d let you die out there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Joe. I thought the same thing about you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen\u2026\u201d Joe grimaced, whether from the memory or pain, no one could really say, but he managed to go on. \u201cthe tree fell.\u201d Adam might have gone on if Ben hadn\u2019t shaken his head, a movement Joe didn\u2019t catch. He was too intent on Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen the tree fell,\u201d Adam agreed.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay now, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Joe asked. \u201cYer not mad at me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCourse not, Little Buddy, but I will be if you don\u2019t drink some water and get some rest.\u201d Joe turned to his father.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? Pa\u2026I\u2026\u201d Joe contrition was written across his face. Ben squeezed Joe\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n \u201cSon, we\u2019ll talk later.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWant\u2026want to go home,\u201d Joe muttered. \u201cShoulda gone home\u2026\u201d Before he could drink the water Adam spoke of his face relaxed in sleep. Ben sat back in his chair with a sigh of relief. Adam felt the tears he\u2019d been holding back fall down his cheek. Moving on to the bed, he laid down with Joe on top of the bed. Since it was only a twin bed, there wasn\u2019t a lot of room, but given Joe\u2019s size and his own thin frame, he was able to make enough room to lie on his side resting his head on Joe\u2019s pillow.<\/p>\n \u201cNight, Pa,\u201d he said simply. Ben kissed both his sons on the forehead, and pulled a blanket from the closet over Adam who was asleep before the blanket touched him. Then Ben sat back in the chair, watching his boys sleep.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you Lord,\u201d he breathed. \u201cThank you for bringing my sons home. Now I hope you don\u2019t mind my asking, but I\u2019ll need your help to help them heal. They\u2019ve still got a ways to go.\u201d The father in Ben was taking nothing for granted. It was all he could do not to lie down with his sons, his arms aching to hold each one close. Lounging in the chair with his own blanket, he didn\u2019t shut his eyes for a long time, not until Hoss came to join him, sitting in a settee by the window. With all his boys in one room, Ben was finally able to fall asleep. Ben\u2019s boys were home at last\u2026and home he hoped they would stay.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Joe slept quite a bit over the next few days. Ben scarcely got a chance to talk to his son. Dr. Pratt, told Ben or John to call him if the boy started to run a fever. Ben was relieved when no fever showed itself, but was concerned with how much Joe slept.<\/p>\n \u201cThe boy\u2019s exhausted, Ben,\u201d John speculated. \u201cWhat with all that guilt and hiding and then the fall, I\u2019d want ta sleep too. Give it time. He\u2019ll be fine.\u201d Ben wanted to believe his friend, perhaps too much. In any event, he did let his guard do. On the third night he slept in the guest room while Adam slept in Joe\u2019s room so he wouldn\u2019t be alone. Hoss was sleeping in the bunkhouse with the men and enjoying the company. They\u2019d had to put two beds together for him to fit and a double mattress and his feet didn\u2019t quite fit, but Hoss never complained. For the first time in three years, Ben slept deeply, certain in his sons\u2019 safety. He dreamed of each of his wives, of Elizabeth and the time they spent together just after Adam was born, those precious hours she could still speak before she died urging him to follow his dreams, and Inger, her hearty laugh, her love for him and Adam and Hoss. How he missed them. Finally there was Marie whom he\u2019d held close the longest. Marie. He could still feel her sleeping in his arms, her head resting on his chest, her soft breaths music to his heart and soul. The father slept deeply for the first time since he\u2019d arrived in Lodi, perhaps for the first time since Adam left for the war.<\/p>\n Shortly after dawn Adam woke to find Joe tossing a bit in bed, mumbling intelligible words. Taking Joe\u2019s left hand in his, he squeezed it lightly, enough to wake the younger brother who turned his head in a slightly startled fashion before the handsome face focused and showed Adam that charming smile he had so much difficulty refusing.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Little Buddy,\u201d Adam greeted. \u201cBout time you woke up.\u201d Joe looked around the room.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d he wondered. Adam moved to get some cool water for Joe thinking his baby brother needed to drink and eat if possible.<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2019s sleeping finally. He was pretty worried about you. We all were. Feel better today?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. Water looks good.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen lets get you some,\u201d Adam grinned. Helping Joe to sit up, he let Joe hold the glass to swallow some of the refreshing liquid. When Joe laid down, he seemed even better.<\/p>\n \u201cTastes good,\u201d Joe nodded. \u201cI was parched.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot surprising. You\u2019ve been sleeping mostly for the last three days. Doc said it was natural, but you know Pa. He\u2019s been keeping an eagle eye on you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI knew he was here, and you and Hoss too. Adam, when can we go home?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSoon, Little Buddy, soon, when you\u2019re able to travel.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can travel now, Adam. I just want to get home so bad.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Adam asked. \u201cWhat\u2019s so important about getting home now, Joe?\u201d Several long seconds went by while Joe contemplated the wall in front of his bed without answering Adam\u2019s question. \u201cJoe?\u201d Slowly the hazel eyes turned to meet Adam\u2019s, eyes filled with a nightmare Adam recognized all too well.<\/p>\n \u201cI feel safe at the Ponderosa,\u201d Joe confided.<\/p>\n \u201cNow that I understand,\u201d Adam concurred.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I bet you do. Adam, was it all for nothing all that fighting, all that killing and dying, the Wilderness?\u201d Closing his eyes against his own memories, Adam shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cI hope not, Joe. I ought to shake you for joining up though. That was the dumbest thing you ever did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook who\u2019s talking,\u201d Joe challenged, causing the brothers to laugh together for the first time. Joe became quiet very quickly. \u201cI hated it, Adam, almost every minute. It was worse than any Indian fight we had here, anything I\u2019d ever seen before.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTell me about it.\u201d More silence stood between the brothers. Gently Adam leaned over kissing Joe on the forehead. \u201cI love you, Joe. Don\u2019t ever scare me like that again, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou either, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll try not to. I\u2019m going to get Pa. He\u2019s going to want to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019d be great, Adam and do ya think you can get me a nice thick steak?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSome porridge and toast coming right up,\u201d Adam chuckled leaving his brother, not surprised at all by Joe\u2019s protest.<\/p>\n \u201cAw, Adam, have a heart,\u201d Joe called after the big brother. Adam\u2019s heart was warm with contentment. Joe was alive, back with the family who had missed him for an eternity. Still, Adam could see Joe hadn\u2019t come to terms with the war, nor with the Wilderness. Would Joe have as much difficulty as he did with the memories that assaulted him in dreams that wouldn\u2019t go away, dreams of men dying around him, dreams of men whose faces he could still see as he killed them, boys, older men, fathers, brothers, sons, all who had family just like theirs, just like theirs. Adam slammed his hands on to the wall in the hallway, unable to stop the infernal torment begging for release. When he felt his father\u2019s strong arms holding him in a hug from behind he knew what would save Joe, just as they were saving him, family. Family would bring Joe through…or so Adam prayed.<\/p>\n Chapter 9<\/p>\n \nA Week Later \u201cPa,\u201d Joe asked from the back of the wagon the family borrowed from John Hawkins to make the journey home from Lodi to the Ponderosa. \u201cWe\u2019re only a short distance from home. Can\u2019t I ride for awhile?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNO!\u201d Ben and Adam hollered at once to which Joe\u2019s distinctive giggle made them laugh.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I got that message,\u201d the young man winked at Hoss who was sitting in the wagon with him. \u201cJust wait till these busted ribs and my arm heals, I\u2019ll outrace everyone on the ranch just like I used to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUntil then, Joseph,\u201d Ben ordered, \u201cMake certain you stay off horses.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho me?\u201d Joe teased with another wink at Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, he\u2019s just asking fer trouble,\u201d Hoss grinned back at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, well you can give him trouble when we get home. In the meantime, Hoss, I would really appreciate it if you would take Chubb and ride into town to get Paul to look at Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa!\u201d Joe protested. \u201cThere\u2019s no need.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf I say there is, there is,\u201d Ben answered. Joe rolled his eyes. Hoss leaned over patting Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cHumor him, Short Shanks. Pa\u2019s been waiting a while ta fuss over ya.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah I guess.\u201d Hoss climbed out of the wagon after Ben pulled it to a stop. Adam\u2019s chocolate colored eyes rested on Joe while Hoss got up on Chubb.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be back in a trice, Pa,\u201d Hoss said. \u201cBe a good boy, Little Joe.\u201d His teasing comment caused all three Cartwrights to laugh. Joe sat in the back of the wagon, resting against the buckboard, his coat keeping him warm from the cold wind, his face braced against the snow filled breezes that indicated winter was on the way, his eyes appreciating the tall Ponderosa pines, their sweet scent reminding him he was home.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam have ya ever seen a prettier sight than the Ponderosa,\u201d he called out to his oldest brother.<\/p>\n \u201cNope, Little Buddy, I sure haven\u2019t.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice conveyed his enthusiasm.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019ve never seen a nicer sight than you two boys together,\u201d Ben added pulling the buckboard into the yard. Hop Sing came out of the house while Ben and Adam helped Joe out of the wagon. Adam started to lift the very thin Joe into his arms.<\/p>\n \u201cOh no you don\u2019t Big Brother,\u201d Joe protested. \u201cI can walk just fine. Hop Sing! I\u2019m home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNumba three Son home,\u201d Hop Sing nodded. \u201cHonorable Father send telegram. Your room all ready for you and dinner ready too. Where Hoss. He not home when dinner ready, he not eat.\u201d Hop Sing nodded his head once as if his word were law before returning to the house, sneaking a look back at Joe as if to make sure he was real. Joe grinned.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, I don\u2019t want to just go to bed. Would you mind if I sat out here for a few minutes?\u201d Ben and Adam exchanged glances which spoke far more than Joe could possibly realize.<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like a plan to me, Joseph,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cI have to remember now that you\u2019ve been through a war and you\u2019re more grown than when you left.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSeems to me he has, Pa,\u201d Adam added. \u201cBut he still charms the pants off you.\u201d He chuckled at Joe\u2019s laugh.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re still dictatorial.\u201d Adam stopped cold in his track, amazed at his brother.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere in the world did you learn a word like that?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s cockyed grin was definitely superior as he found a chair on the porch to sit on.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll never know,\u201d he giggled. Sitting down, he put his feet up on a stool, holding his coat close, closing his eyes under the hat. In a minute a slight snore told them the youngest Cartwright was asleep.<\/p>\n \u201cI never thought I\u2019d see the day,\u201d Ben commented softly.<\/p>\n \u201cMe either, Pa. When I think of when I came home, all I wanted was for Joe to come bounding out of the house to greet me and when he didn\u2019t\u2026whatever wasn\u2019t shattered inside of me fell apart right then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo that\u2019s why you went up to Joe\u2019s room?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. I hoped he might be there. I\u2019m sorry I put you through all that, Pa.\u201d Ben slung his arm around his oldest son.<\/p>\n \u201cNo apologies necessary, Adam. I was no less happy to have you home than I am to have Joe. Watching you boys go off to war was\u2026\u201d Ben hesitated. \u201cSomething I hope I never do again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMe either,\u201d Adam agreed. Together, father and son walked into the house which suddenly seemed much more full of love and happiness than when they each left such a short time before. They were home, the Cartwright\u2019s were, all of them, home at last\u2026and still Adam and Joe weren\u2019t quite home, not until they figured a way to put their nightmares behind them and live the lives they were meant to until the war interrupted their dreams and hopes.<\/p>\n Hoss and Dr. Martin arrived just as the family was finishing dinner, much to Hoss\u2019 disappointment. Ben assured his very hungry son that there was plenty for him to eat. Since Joe was sitting comfortably in the living room, tired from his trip, but happy to be home, Hoss retreated to the kitchen to get some dinner from Hop Sing. Paul Martin greeted Joe with his usual bedside manner looking to Ben as he spoke and then letting his eyes rest on Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cBen if I hadn\u2019t seen it I wouldn\u2019t have believed it. Look at what the cat dragged in.\u201d Ben chuckled.<\/p>\n Joe rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cDoc, no cat dragged me here. It was Pa and Adam and Hoss,\u201d the young man shot back.<\/p>\n \u201cHa. I don\u2019t believe you didn\u2019t want to come home, Joe. Now, let me take a look at you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Joe protested. \u201cPa\u2019s just being overprotective.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWith good reason,\u201d Adam intervened coming down the stairs from his room. \u201cHumor him, Joe. He\u2019s waited a long time for this day.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo have we all,\u201d Dr. Martin muttered as he checked Joe\u2019s fingers for adequate circulation now that his arm was casted. They were pink showing good signs of circulation. Next the doctor examined Joe\u2019s ribs, unbinding and then binding them to ensure they were healing without complications despite the long trip home. After listening to the restless man\u2019s heart and lungs he nodded his approval.<\/p>\n \u201cAnother few weeks of bed rest and Joe, you\u2019ll be good as new.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA few weeks?\u201d Joe yelped.<\/p>\n \u201cA few weeks. You have to let those ribs heal. You can come downstairs, but no ranch work till that cast is off and no straining yourself till I give you the heave ho. You got that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI got it. Don\u2019t mean I like it,\u201d Joe grumbled with good natured fussing. \u201cReckon I am kind of tired. I forgot how drowsy Hop Sing\u2019s good cooking can make me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWant to go upstairs, Little Buddy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure, Adam, but I think I can make it on my own. I\u2019m a big boy remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReally?\u201d Adam grinned. \u201cSince when?\u201d Joe\u2019s giggle was music to the family\u2019s ears as Adam escorted the injured brother upstairs to his room. Ben sank down on the sofa where Joe was resting with Paul beside him.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing,\u201d Ben called out. \u201cHop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI coming, I coming. I got coffee and sandwich and pie for doctor. I ready for you Mistah Cartlight. Not much left now that Hoss eating. Hoss eat all the food left from dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI expected that, Hop Sing. I\u2019m sure Dr. Martin will be fine with whatever you have. He\u2019s not a hard man to please.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I can be,\u201d Dr. Martin joked. Hop Sing left the coffee and sandwiches for the good doctor returning to the kitchen, his voice talking to Hoss. Dr. Martin sat back on the sofa with Ben, enjoying the repast, the two men who were best friends sharing some quiet time.<\/p>\n \u201cTruthfully, Paul, is he all right?\u201d Ben had to ask. Paul, eating his sandwich took some coffee to wash it down before answering the all important question with his own question.<\/p>\n \u201cSince you can see physically he\u2019s on the road to recovery I\u2019m guessing you have other concerns?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben took a minute before nodding.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know me too well, Old Friend,\u201d he commented. \u201cYes, I am worried about Joe\u2019s state of mind. You remember how Adam was when he came home. Joe, he\u2019s had his own battles to wage.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAbout?\u201d Paul invited. So Ben told the physician how Joe thought he was responsible for Adam\u2019s death and how he couldn\u2019t even face himself enough to come home. Paul listened till Ben had verbalized his concern for both his sons and their well being now that they were both here, and both were still coping with not just what happened in The Wilderness but also with the war itself.<\/p>\n \u201cBen,\u201d the doctor started. \u201cI think you need to accept that most of what you are talking about is beyond your control. Adam and Joe are full grown. Adam seems to have gotten past what happened and if Joe hasn\u2019t, well maybe Adam will be the one to help him get through it or Joe will find another way. No matter what you can\u2019t fix those memories, any more than they can fix yours.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re my sons,\u201d Ben stated intensely.<\/p>\n \u201cDoc\u2019s right, Pa,\u201d Hoss put in. Ben looked up in surprise at Hoss, who came into the room with quieter footsteps than Ben was used to or perhaps he just hadn\u2019t heard him.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Pa, ya used ta tell me I had ta be patient with Adam and not push him. Reckon that\u2019s what we gotta do with Joe.\u201d Ben\u2019s chocolate colored eyes reflected his agreement. Looking up the stairs, he spoke softly.<\/p>\n \u201cBeing patient with Adam is one thing\u2026With Joe we won\u2019t have to practice patience, only figure out how to harness his emotions so we can help him deal with them. That\u2019s what frightens me.\u201d Neither the doctor nor Hoss could argue with Ben. The father was right. Joe was a keg of dynamite when it came to his emotions\u2026and most likely he could explode anytime. Hoss gave out a low whistle\u2026and prayed his father was wrong.<\/p>\n Chapter 10<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, I aint gonna break if ya push me too hard,\u201d Joe protested several weeks later. \u201cI\u2019m home now and it\u2019s time I pulled my weight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s no rush, Joe. We\u2019re just glad\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I know, glad ta have me home,\u201d Joe grumbled. \u201cAnd I\u2019m glad ta be home, but the doc said I could start riding last week and Pa won\u2019t let me do much more than ride into town and back or clean out the tack room. Now I\u2019ve got my cast off, I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, you can\u2019t blame Pa for taking it easy on ya,\u201d Hoss defended.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t blame him. I just want him ta let me be who I am and stop expecting I\u2019ll disappear if I start acting like me.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam and Hoss exchanged glances The three brothers were in the barn, saddling their horses. Adam and Hoss planned to spend the day looking for strays. Ben wanted Joe just to go into town and get the mail, a chore Joe had been doing for a week and was darn tired of.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I don\u2019t think you really appreciate how hard it was on Pa and Hoss while we were away,\u201d Adam tried. This subject came up often over the last several weeks, only to Joe it always seemed to end when he started asking questions about Adam\u2019s return to the ranch and what else had happened besides Joe\u2019s supposed death to make Ben Cartwright more protective of Little Joe than ever.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, I do appreciate what you are saying, honestly. And I\u2019m the first one ta admit I made a mistake in not coming home from the war, but I wasn\u2019t exactly thinking straight. There\u2019s something about thinking ya killed yer own brother that don\u2019t set right with a fella and Pa needs ta understand that.\u201d With those words, Joe mounted Cochise, his Pinto and rode out of the barn at a quick gallop, still too fast for Hoss and Adam\u2019s comfort to say nothing of their father\u2019s as he came into the barn after Joe rode past him without a word.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat in the world was that all about?\u201d Ben demanded of his two older sons. \u201cHe\u2019s riding like the devil again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s angry cause he thinks yer overprotecting him, Pa\u2026and cause he don\u2019t know the whole story bout what went on round here when Adam came home.\u201d Ben\u2019s eyes rested on his oldest son.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe Adam and I are both protecting Joe. He\u2019s been hurt so much already.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa, Joe doesn\u2019t need the weight of what happened to me on his shoulders.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe has ta know, Adam,\u201d Hoss insisted. \u201cHe knows ya too well and he knows yer hiding something from him, just like he feels Pa is smothering him.\u201d Ben\u2019s feigned anger bore down on Hoss who was unimpressed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got your brother all figured out, Hoss?\u201d Ben roared.<\/p>\n \u201cSure do, Pa. Pretty much have since he was a baby,\u201d Hoss grinned. Ben turned to Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe tonight you can tell Joe, Adam. Hoss is right. He needs to know how you feel about him and how difficult it was for you. As for me, I suppose letting Joe fix some fences or ride out looking for cattle isn\u2019t going to hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBetter do something or he\u2019s gonna bust,\u201d Hoss agreed.<\/p>\n ~The End<\/p>\n
\nJoe\u2019s arrival back at the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n