{"id":1629,"date":"2009-08-20T15:27:05","date_gmt":"2009-08-20T19:27:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1629"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:22:28","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:22:28","slug":"who-spake-by-the-prophets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1629","title":{"rendered":"Who Spake By the Prophets (by the Giggly Sisters)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>The Biblical properties of Bonanza are scrutinised by the Giggly Sisters, as only they can do.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K+ \u00a0WC 1700<\/p>\n

Who Spake By The Prophets<\/strong><\/p>\n

It was an exciting morning at the Ponderosa, for the third edition of Bonanza Gold had just been delivered by Doctor Paul Martin. The dedicated medic had given long years of devoted service to various members of the Cartwright family (most notably Joe, who could charitably be described as prone to indulging in unfortunate accidents). However, there was one small, but vital problem: no money was ever seen to change hands for all his devoted ministrations. Understandably, Paul was rather miffed about this, for his medical skills had often seen Joe arise, like Lazarus, to prowl the Ponderosa unfettered.\u00a0 Nevertheless, despite his medical miracles, poor Paul was now knocking at the very doors of penury.<\/p>\n

\u201cThough I heal with the skills of Hippocrates and have not money, it availeth me naught!\u201d Paul whimpered pathetically, as the bailiffs seized his supplies of laudanum and even his examining couch. In desperate need of some ready cash, he had to resort to an early morning paper round. Skeptical readers are advised to watch A Passion for Justice<\/em>, where the Territorial Enterprise is indeed delivered in time for breakfast.<\/p>\n

Naturally, as the Patriarch of the Ponderosa, Ben sat at the head of the table, surveying the proceedings like a modern-day Jehovah and surveying the magazine with great interest.<\/p>\n

\u201cFascinating!\u201d he pronounced, lingering on the full page picture of himself for just a gnat\u2019s crotchet. \u201cA most interesting read. I never realized how much hard work our laundry caused Hop Sing!\u201d<\/p>\n

His sons exchanged somewhat skeptical looks. \u201cI thought it was established, right from the start, in A Rose for Lotta<\/em>, that the laundry was subcontracted to Number Three Cousin?\u201d the blonde remarked innocently.<\/p>\n

Adam nodded eagerly: as far as he could see, Hop Sing spent hours sculling up and down the Truckee River singing the Eton Boating Song, before returning home to whip up the evening meal. It was strange that so few people had ever picked up on the fact that the faithful retainer spoke with a perfect English accent\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think Andy has access to the Bible?\u201d the redhead asked, inadvertently unleashing a torrent of comments across the breakfast table. As no peaceful, uninterrupted breakfast scenes had ever been committed to celluloid, this was pretty much par for the course.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be so blasphemous!\u201d Ben spluttered. Hoss grabbed the toast rack and hauled it out of range, while Joe shielded the Gentleman\u2019s Relish with his hand.<\/p>\n

The blonde regarded her sister gravely. \u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d she said with gravitas. \u201cIn fact, I\u2019m beginning to wonder if it even exists.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben went deathly pale and clutched his heart. She\u2019d seemed like such a sweet girl and she wore a cross too! Impervious to his distress, the blonde dipped a toast soldier into a soft boiled egg and handed it to her pet bear, Paw, who slurped it up adoringly.<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter all, in A Rose for Lotta<\/em>, it\u2019s clearly established that Ben had three different wives. And Joe refers to his mother as Felice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s got very clear diction!\u201d the redhead interjected.<\/p>\n

\u201cYet, 23 episodes later, in The Stranger<\/em>, she\u2019s become Marie!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see what Andy has to do with that,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

The redhead favored him with an indulgent smile. \u201cYou see, Andy wrote this letter to Bonanza Gold, explaining that Joe\u2019s mother was called Felice originally. But when Felicia Farr was cast, they decided it was too much of a co-incidence and rechristened her Marie,\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?!?!\u201d Ben\u2019s lung power was legendary. It was only a pity that alternative power sources were not taken seriously, for Ben could easily power at least 10 wind generators all by himself. Then he remembered that, although Marie,<\/em> My Love<\/em> was not screened until season 4, Andy worked for Bonanza Enterprises and surely must know\u2026 Although, it was a trifle disconcerting to think he had called his wife the wrong name for over 20 years\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you ever ask the Creator?\u201d Naturally, it was the redhead who asked this. Her sister was busy trying to persuade Paw to finish his cod liver oil. Not surprisingly, the little bear was indulging in a major strop, hoping to avoid having to take it.<\/p>\n

Ben glanced involuntarily at the ceiling and the redhead shook her vibrant tresses. \u201cNo, no,\u201d she chided. \u201cNot that one! The person who created all this.\u201d She gestured grandly round the room, somehow managing to encompass all the outdoors, too. Adam wondered how she did that.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t disturb the Creator to ask him trivial things like that,\u201d Ben protested. \u201cHe\u2019s far too busy\u2026creating,\u201d he finished lamely.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Creator was very inspired,\u201d Adam said. \u201cI had a lovely line in The<\/em> Savage<\/em> about the Garden of Eden.\u201d He sighed reminiscently. \u201c\u2019Now I know why my parents gave me my name\u2019,\u201d he quoted. \u201c\u2019It was because I belong here in the Garden of Eden with you, Ruth.\u2019\u201d He wasn\u2019t sure if that sounded right or not, so hastily added, \u201cOr something like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Total silence greeted this. The redhead glanced around as though waiting for something. \u201cWhere\u2019s the ballet music that went along with that awful hammy line?\u201d she asked. \u201cDidn\u2019t you ever want to break into a passionate pas de deux with Ruth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had an injured leg,\u201d Adam answered, with dignity. He had thought he\u2019d done well to say the line with a straight face, for everyone round about looked as though they were fighting not to laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were very God-fearing in the opening season, weren\u2019t you?\u201d the blonde asked Ben. \u201cBut we didn\u2019t see you in church very often, did we?\u201d She smiled at him as he tried to think of a suitable answer. \u201cYou handed down proclamations from on high.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is one thing that worries me,\u201d said the redhead. She glanced at Joe. \u201cWhy is Marie not lying in consecrated ground? She was a Catholic, wasn\u2019t she? And why aren\u2019t you raising Joe in his mother\u2019s faith?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you see…\u201d Ben began, but stopped again. He had no idea why Marie wasn\u2019t lying in consecrated ground. He hoped she wouldn\u2019t come back to haunt him. And it hadn\u2019t occurred to him that he should be raising Joe in his mother\u2019s faith. How he wished these girls wouldn\u2019t keep noticing these things, and how he wished he had someone to ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow do you see why the bible would be so helpful?\u201d asked the redhead. \u201cWe always had to make up bibles in college for every thing we did. It was good exercise.\u201d She was, however, quite thankful that some of the ideas she\u2019d had for TV shows were decently lost in the mists of time.<\/p>\n

“It might even be able to pinpoint where the bunkhouse actually is!” Hoss agreed. He was fed up with trying to locate a ranch hand or two, only to discover that the bunkhouse had done one of its disappearing tricks. They had all shuddered with fear and trepidation when Adam had been knocked unconscious in Showdown<\/em>. The risks of any possible concussion were far outweighed by the danger of being trapped in the bunkhouse when it perambulated around the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

“There’s quite a lot of religious symbolism associated with the show, isn’t there?” the blonde observed. “Fans talk about accepted facts as ‘canon’ and there’s even the Bonanza Credo, written by the Creator himself.”<\/p>\n

“Even our names are from the Bible!” Adam said, quite forgetting that “Hoss” failed to appear anywhere in the Good Book. “As the first son, it’s entirely appropriate that I was christened Adam!”<\/p>\n

Joe gave a loving glance towards his father. “And everybody knows that Joseph was his father’s favorite son, the son of his old age.”<\/p>\n

“And his brothers gave poor Joseph a really hard time!” the redhead added. “They even sold him!”<\/p>\n

Hoss regarded the youngest Cartwright critically. “I don’t think we could find anyone to sell you to, Shortshanks! You’re just too plum puny!”<\/p>\n

“I don’t have a favorite son!” Ben protested.<\/p>\n

Adam decided to pour a little oil on troubled waters “In the beginning, David Dortort created Bonanza and the Ponderosa!” he intoned solemnly. “And he said, Let there be Cartwrights: and there were Cartwrights.”<\/p>\n

Silence fell for a moment. “The theme continued, didn’t it?” ventured the blonde. “Even some of the episode titles were biblical quotes: just think of My Brother’s Keeper<\/em> or Feet of Clay<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

\u201cIt didn\u2019 continue with me,\u201d Hoss said, grumpily. \u201cHow come I\u2019s the only one who don\u2019 get a biblical name?\u201d This sad fact had rankled with Hoss for a long time. \u201cEven Erik ain\u2019t a biblical name,\u201d he complained.<\/p>\n

\u201cPerhaps its some sort of Scandinavian legend,\u201d said the redhead soothingly. \u201cOr perhaps it\u2019s a corruption of Esau?\u201d She thought of the bible passage which told them Esau was a hairy man, and Hoss certainly was hairy!<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, as you said, we are a God-fearing family,\u201d Ben explained. \u201cWe show the world the best a family can be. Our morals set examples to everyone who watched the show. Family love and universal brotherhood. What more could a show want?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam chimed in, “We give people hope. They see that love and perseverance can overcome the greatest of obstacles. Why, we’ve even had a couple of minor miracles: The Horsebreaker<\/em> walked again and Joe recovered his eyesight in The Stillness Within<\/em>.”<\/p>\n

“I had to find the still, small voice of calm within me first,” Joe said quietly.<\/p>\n

“Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares,” the blonde quoted, from the Book of Hebrews. “A good maxim, I think.”<\/p>\n

Joe’s face brightened. “Angels! I’ve always been really interested in angels! Do you think I’ll be an angel one day?”<\/p>\n

“An angel!” Adam snorted. “You’d try the patience of a saint! It’d be an awfully long highway to heaven for you, my boy.”<\/p>\n

The Giggly Sisters had the strangest feeling that Joe would make a perfectly divine Angel\u2026<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0The Biblical properties of Bonanza are scrutinised by the Giggly Sisters, as only they can do.<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ \u00a0WC 1700<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-humor","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":686,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1546,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1546","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":0},"title":"Just Another Unfortunate Accident (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The Giggly Sisters turn their discerning eye on the accidents that befall a certain member of the Cartwright family. Rated: T \u00a0WC 1900","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1482,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1482","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":1},"title":"An Apple A Day (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Another unfortunate accident means that Doctor Paul Martin has to tend to maimed Joe once again. Rated: K+ \u00a01900","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/normal_MBK-JC2.jpg?fit=400%2C320&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1507,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1507","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":2},"title":"Confusion (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Ever wondered exactly why\u00a0 Joe gets maimed on such a regular basis? The Giggly Sisters explain all. Rated: T \u00a0WC \u00a02400","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1559,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1559","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":3},"title":"Many Heads make Light Work (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Spotting regular guest stars can tax even the most ardent Bonanza fan. The Giggly Sisters set things straight. Rated: T \u00a0WC \u00a01600","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1556,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1556","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":4},"title":"Maims and Mayhem (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Yet again, Joe has suffered a potentially life-threatening maim. Can the Giggly Sisters pull him through? Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02600","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1495,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1495","url_meta":{"origin":1629,"position":5},"title":"Bonanza – A Guide (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0As a follow-up to A Spoof for Stephen \u2013 or Bonanza for Beginners \u2013 here is the next installment in Stephen\u2019s Bonanza education. Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02200 Bonanza for Beginners Series: A Spoof for Stephen A Guide","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1629"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1629\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}