{"id":16485,"date":"2018-04-21T16:44:08","date_gmt":"2018-04-21T20:44:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=16485"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:40:29","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:40:29","slug":"til-the-day-is-done-by-a_starry_night","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=16485","title":{"rendered":"Til the Day Is Done (by A_Starry_Night)"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Summary: The outcome of Hoss’s untimely death was devastating – but none so much as for Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Rating: T\u00a0 (10,140 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Til the Day is Done<\/strong><\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

\u2018Now I lay me down to sleep,<\/em>
\nI pray the Lord my soul to keep.<\/em>
\nIf I should die before I wake<\/em>
\nI pray the Lord my soul to take.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

The decanter of brandy clinked loudly in the stifling silence of the ranch house. The shadows of night were long and yawning like gaping wounds against the polished wood floors, colored only by the faint glow of silvery moonlight through a window.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright, headed straight into a drunken stupor, found that he preferred the silence and the darkness. He appreciated the shadows more than anything else now because they hid the absence of part of his life; in the glaring daylight the empty spot at the table, the vacant bedroom, and the chair by the fireplace stood out far too much. From here at his desk and in the dark he couldn\u2019t see those things.<\/p>\n

At night he could fool himself into the fantastical.<\/p>\n

At night he lived in a world where his middle son wasn\u2019t dead.<\/p>\n

He finished his third shot of brandy and attempted to place his glass back on the desk; in his stupor, however, he overshot the edge of the desk and let go too soon. Glass shattered everywhere on the floor as loud as a gunshot. Groaning Ben started to bend down to pick up the pieces when one of the upstairs doors opened and hurried footsteps stopped at the top of the staircase.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben didn\u2019t glance up. \u201cGo back to bed, Joseph. I merely dropped a glass.”<\/p>\n

Soft footsteps descended the stairs and moved gingerly forward. \u201cI\u2019ll go to bed when I know there won\u2019t be any stray glass for us to step on in the morning, Pa,\u201d Joe replied, and the lamp on the far table flared to life with a warm orange glow.<\/p>\n

Ben looked up sharply, his gaze sharpening even through the haze of alcohol. \u201cPut that out!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve gotta be able to see where all the pieces fell.\u201d Drawn and exhausted-looking in the dim light, Joe Cartwright watched his father with a heavy heart, at a loss of what he could do to help. Since Hoss\u2019s passing Ben had done little but stare into space during the day and drink at night. He had barely slept in days and refused sleeping powders, and his temper was frayed because of it. Having fought this particular battle for several days now Joe was nearing his wit\u2019s end and collapse\u2014he had no strength left to fight with his father. He bent down and stilled Ben\u2019s hand as it gathered the glittering shards together. \u201cLet me, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s gaze was bordering unfriendly as he frowned down at his son\u2019s head of untrimmed curls. \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to be in bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would be, but someone\u2019s dropping stuff on the floor in the middle of the night.\u201d A few weeks ago, Joe\u2019s tone would have been light and jovial but too much had happened since then; now the response was terse and matter-of-fact. He wasn\u2019t going to mention that it was nearly impossible to sleep now a days anyway, though\u2014it wasn\u2019t like Pa didn\u2019t already know that. He finished gathering up the shards of glass in silence and stood with a low groan as his tired knees protested. \u201cI\u2019ll be back in a minute, Pa, then I\u2019ll help you up to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need to go to bed\u2014I need to be left alone!\u201d<\/p>\n

But Ben\u2019s temper was not the only one fraying. For days Joe had felt the silent effects of his own smoldering and he had been afraid that there would be an inevitable confrontation when they could no longer contain their pent-up emotions. \u2018Oh, Lord, not now,\u2019 he prayed, but he was like a spectator in his own body as he turned back to his father and allowed his frustration to voice itself. \u201cWhat you need, Pa, is some help!\u201d<\/p>\n

Why were they shouting so? Anger would not solve anything between them\u2014it would not bring Hoss back; and their raised voices would surely stir the sleeping Jaime and Hop Sing from their beds.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you calling your father a weak old man, boy?\u201d Ben\u2019s voice was raised in a hoarse shout. His fist crashed against the top of his desk, making the decanter of brandy shudder. A headache born from his lack of sleep and too much alcohol was starting to pound at his head and only worsened his temper.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll assume that that\u2019s the brandy talking,\u201d Joe stated in a voice of ice, \u201csince I haven\u2019t been a boy for over ten years. You\u2019re making yourself sick, Pa! Please, stop your drinking and come up to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will not. I can\u2019t.\u201d Very suddenly Ben looked and sounded very tired and very old. Hoss\u2019s death had aged him like nothing else had.<\/p>\n

Joe was in no mood to be sympathetic. \u201cYou\u2019re not the only one who lost him, but you sure as hell are the only one behaving like a child right now!\u201d<\/p>\n

Gone was the tired old man; fury choking him of sound Ben reached out blindly and threw what he held at his son. The half-full decanter shattered on the far wall a foot above Joe\u2019s head, showering him in drink and slivers of glass. Dodging it as best he could, ignoring the stinging of cuts the glass had made, Joe stared at his heaving father with wide eyes. Ben had never before thrown anything in anger at any of his sons before, nor had he ever struck them. This white-haired towering man so quick to anger now seemed less and less like the father he remembered.<\/p>\n

For the first time in his life, Joe found he could truly fear Ben Cartwright. With the walls dripping drink and the decanter in pieces shimmering in the dark he snatched his gunbelt from the credenza and fled out the front door, desperate to escape the house that now seemed more a tomb than a safe haven.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

The sun was shining through the windows in early morning when Ben roused himself enough to look at his surroundings. The soft golden rays of sunrise illuminated the handsome ranch house for the start of a new day. He groaned to himself as his body protested its awkward position and the amount of alcohol it had imbibed last night. His head felt fuzzy and full of cotton and he had to immediately reclaim his seat as he attempted to stand.<\/p>\n

It was utterly silent in the house; the kitchen wasn\u2019t bustling with Hop Sing\u2019s bustling as he prepared the morning\u2019s breakfast, nor was his voice raised as he talked to himself in Chinese. He heard nothing from Jaime\u2019s room and wondered if the boy was still in bed.<\/p>\n

What had happened last night? He could only recall bits and pieces; his glass shattering, Joseph coming to help him\u2014<\/p>\n

No. Not to completely help him. He could recall his son\u2019s irritation with him as he tried to convince Ben to go to bed. Had they fought? Ben thought maybe they did but he could not be entirely sure.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

No answer. Confused and uneasy, he lifted himself carefully up from the chair, gazing around. Then his gaze fell upon the credenza and he felt the breath leave his lungs as if he\u2019d been punched in the gut. Glass glittered among a dried sticky puddle of brandy on the credenza and the floor below it and was splashed in great fat droplets on the walls. And abruptly Ben remembered every horrifying moment of the night before when he threw the decanter at his own son, breaking every unspoken rule he had ever made for his household as assuredly as he had the glass.<\/p>\n

Soft footsteps padded close and Hop Sing walked into view where he had been silent in the kitchen; his expression was tight with disappointment. \u201cLit\u2019le Joe not here,\u201d he said shortly. \u201cHe leave last night after argue with father. Not home yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben wrenched his gaze away from the mess with difficulty, white-faced. \u201cI threw- my god, Hop Sing, what\u2014?\u201d His throat was closing up, shame roiling in his stomach. \u201cWhat have I done?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMust apologize to number three son. You no comfort him last night\u2014scare him badly. Rode to mother\u2019s grave.\u201d The little cook could see the effects of his words on the Cartwright patriarch, and although he still held some anger himself over the argument he had overheard his compassion softened his countenance somewhat. \u201cHop Sing clean up glass for Mistah Cahtlight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Ben said numbly. \u201cNo, Hop Sing, I\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing could see the need in his old friend\u2019s eyes. He nodded. \u201cHop Sing grab broom.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben turned back to the mess on the wall and floor, his chest tight with regret and shame, and took a deep breath to steady himself. \u201cOh Hoss,\u201d he whispered achingly. \u201cWe needed you here. I<\/em> need you here.\u201d<\/p>\n

But of course there could be no answer to his plea. Graves could not speak, after all.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

It was the first dry morning in nearly two weeks on the day the Cartwright\u2019s lives shattered, the sun trying to pierce the thick and oppressive grey rainclouds shrouding the mountains. It was typical to have heavy rainfall this time of year but not so much of it, and Ben was exceedingly grateful that he had missed this year\u2019s cattle drive. He was only just beginning to recover from a bout of influenza that had nearly turned into pneumonia, and although he had still been adamant on joining Hoss and Joe on their trip he had discovered on the morning of departure that all of his boots had mysteriously disappeared in the night and there were no extras to be found anywhere.<\/p>\n

Joseph, of course, had had to hide a grin when Ben had demanded to know what had happened to them, but his green eyes danced with a familiar mischief that told the waiting father exactly what had caused all of those boots to disappear.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Pa, what makes you think someone took your boots at all? Maybe you misplaced \u2018em and in your old age you forgot where you put \u2018em?\u201d<\/p>\n

Feigning irritation was easy and all part of this age-old game between father and sons (Hoss was snickering where he sat but keeping mum as well) but he had to admit that Joe had done him a favor. Ben had a duty to his ranch but with a still-persistent cough he knew very well that he would have suffered on that cattle drive.<\/p>\n

It had been nearly two weeks since they had left and Ben was eagerly waiting for his sons to return home. Maybe Joe was right and he was an old man who craved company. Jaime was an excellent distraction from his two older brothers\u2019 absence\u2014the boy had his own brand of mischief and could keep Ben on his toes\u2014but it still stood that Joe and Hoss kept the Ponderosa alive with their love of fun and laughter.<\/p>\n

He was just sitting down at his desk to catch up on some bookwork that he had left for the past couple of days when he heard the sounds of hooves approaching the yard. Frowning, Ben opened the front door and felt his heart freeze.<\/p>\n

Micah Sherman, the Ponderosa foreman, rode slowly into view, hunched into his saddle\u2014behind him the buckboard was driven by one of the hands. Joe sat hatless and wrapped in a blanket beside him, white-faced and dazed. It was clear the only thing keeping him upright was the back of the seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe? Joseph!\u201d Ben raced forward as fast as his suddenly-weak legs would allow and grabbed for his son\u2019s hands, dismayed to find his skin cold and clammy. When he received no answer he took hold of Joe\u2019s arms and shook him. \u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n

Micah shook his head as he slid down off his horse, trembling. \u201cHe can\u2019t hear you, Mr. Cartwright. He\u2019s in shock. Has been since\u2026\u201d He trailed off, his eyes bright with unshed tears as he waved a hand helplessly towards the back of the buckboard. In a voice tight with grief he said shakily, \u201cIt were an accident, Mr. Cartwright. A stupid tom-fool accident.\u201d<\/p>\n

The meaning of those words took a long time to sink in; when they finally registered Ben realized with a faint heart that Hoss was not among the men, and Chubb was being led by rope from the back of the buckboard.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he moaned helplessly, unable to keep hold of Joseph. \u201cNo\u2026\u201d Stumbling weak-kneed along the side of the wagon he peered over the edge and saw a covered body laid there. He had no strength to scream.<\/p>\n

His knees buckled and he remembered nothing else.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

Paul Martin was summoned and arrived shortly after the men had come to Virginia City to deliver Hoss\u2019s body to the undertaker, and walked into cold silence. The ranch hands had dispersed after helping Ben and Joe into the house, leaving the family to grieve.<\/p>\n

It would be explained to him later that Joe had come to life with frightening violence after Micah got him to solid ground, screaming to be let go of and that he had to help his older brother, begging all the while for Hoss to be all right. He had fought every restraining hand and listened to no voice attempting to calm him, and ultimately they had had no choice but to knock him unconscious so that they could carry him inside. Ben had simply collapsed without a sound.<\/p>\n

Concerned for the recovering father Paul saw to him first, worried that the shock of Hoss\u2019s death had damaged his heart. But Ben\u2019s pulse was strong even though he could do nothing but stare at Paul with wet, bewildered eyes the doctor hadn\u2019t seen since Marie\u2019s death; he didn\u2019t protest the sedative that Paul gave him and never spoke a word as he drifted off into slumber in his bed.<\/p>\n

Joe, when the doctor slipped into his room, was awake sporting a darkening bruise on his chin, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as he rocked back and forth on his bed. His clothes were damp and his hair was wet still from the river. His hazel eyes shone a brilliant green and were surprisingly alert as he looked up and met Paul’s gaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc\u2014\u201d he choked out.<\/p>\n

Paul\u2019s heart twisted with pity and grief as he laid a gentle hand on the young man\u2019s shoulder. Joe was trembling beneath his hold. \u201cOh, Joseph,\u201d he murmured. \u201cIf I could spare you this grief I would.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t stop his rocking. Tears were escaping his hold as reality brutally swept in. \u201cHoss is dead,\u201d he sobbed. \u201cI t-tried to get to him in time, D-Doc, but I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHush, Joe,\u201d Paul interrupted gently. \u201cYou did your best. You did your best. Now, why don\u2019t you help me get those wet clothes off and you can rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was still shocked enough that he obeyed the doctor without protest, shrugging out of his sodden jacket and shirt. \u201cPa,\u201d he said suddenly. \u201cPa, is he\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSleeping,\u201d Paul said soothingly, stripping off the young man\u2019s pants. \u201cYour pa\u2019s going to be fine.\u201d Fine physically, the doctor thought sadly, but there was nothing he could do to soothe the agony of the spirit. In that moment Paul felt very much helpless.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing came in at that very moment carrying a warm change of clothes and blankets as if he had read the doctor\u2019s mind. \u201cLit\u2019le Joe not get sick,\u201d he said, helping Joe pull on a nightshirt. \u201cNo worry family.\u201d It hurt the little cook\u2019s heart to see his beloved number three son so damaged and the master so beyond himself. Gently, Hop Sing lifted Joe\u2019s chin to meet his eye. \u201cMistah Hoss missed,\u201d he said sadly. \u201cGrief and tears much understood. But Mistah Hoss with great ancestors now. Mistah Hoss alright. Mistah Cahtlight alright. Lit\u2019le Joe alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul marveled at the Chinese man\u2019s wisdom and understanding; clearly he had said the right thing because Joe reached up and grasped the little cook\u2019s arm. Quietly he murmured a thank you in Hop Sing\u2019s language before he fell back into his bed in exhaustion. Paul quickly filled a syringe and held it up for the young man to see.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need rest, Joseph,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cEven if it\u2019s only a few hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was too weary and heartsick to put up a fight. \u201cDo what you gotta, Doc.\u201d<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

Silently Ben made his way to the barn, heartsick and tired. He dreaded facing his son and seeing judgment passed in Joe\u2019s gaze for his actions last night. Jaime trailed behind him, fretting.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you should be back in bed resting, it\u2019s still too early for you to be outside\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be fine, Jaime. A trip out to the barn isn\u2019t going to kill me.\u201d Ben hoped that he wasn\u2019t being too short with the boy but his focus was entirely on reaching the barn. It was well after breakfast and he had finally seen Cochise trot into the yard. It had been an hour and still Joe hadn\u2019t come inside. He was determined to apologize to his son even if Joe was as equally determined to out-stubborn him.<\/p>\n

Jaime shook his head in defeat, but he was secretly relieved that his adopted father was showing a stubbornness he had been sorely lacking recently. He knew what had happened between Ben and Joe the night before\u2014it had been hard not to hear their raised voices\u2014and his concern and worry for this family he loved so very much had only heightened. He had been raking the barn out the morning he found out about Hoss and he had been alerted of it by Joe\u2019s screams; he had never been so frightened in his life by anything insomuch as the uncontrollable hysteria that had laced his brother\u2019s voice and he had witnessed his mindless fighting as Joe fought tooth and nail to reach the back of the buckboard.<\/p>\n

From a very young age Jaime understood what death was; in this land of the West it was hard not to. His mother he barely remembered and his father died when he was still considerably young\u2014he knew what loss felt like. Hoss was the hardest loss he\u2019d yet faced, but whether it was the resiliency of youth or something else he couldn\u2019t guess but he was handling his grief better than his new-found father and brother were. It was Jaime and Hop Sing who had in the first few days taken care of both Ben and Joe until the latter had abruptly risen one day unable to stay still and silent any longer.<\/p>\n

And now they had all found themselves here, licking wounds from tempers that had caused more damage than Jaime was sure could be healed.<\/p>\n

The one who usually healed those emotional rifts was no longer there to bind their wounds.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

There was only two shots of whiskey tonight\u2014all Ben found that he could stomach. He had never been much of a whiskey drinker himself but he was loathe to touch brandy after what had happened last night. There would be no late-night visit from Joe tonight, however, of that he was sure.<\/p>\n

Entering the barn he found Joe rubbing Cochise down in the pinto\u2019s stall, studiously ignoring the sounds of his father\u2019s footsteps.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

The left hand paused over Cochise\u2019s flank; compulsively the blunt work-roughened fingers formed a fist before slowly unclenching again. Joe\u2019s head fell forward wearily. \u201cYeah, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben suddenly felt very nervous, and utterly wrong-footed. These past weeks of grieving isolation had caused more damage than he had originally considered; his actions and the amount of time had been enough to create a tension between him and his son that had never existed before, and for once he was at a loss on how to fix it. He was still too tired and grief-stricken to be the comforter he was sure Joe needed him to be, and if last night had told him anything it was the fact that Joseph didn\u2019t have the strength anymore to carry Ben through this.<\/p>\n

\u201cI- I was concerned when you were gone for so long, son.\u201d His voice was hesitant. \u201cWhere did you go?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s left hand resumed its brushing of Cochise\u2019s coat. \u201cWent to visit Mama.\u201d His voice was clipped and almost unemotional\u2014so much more like Adam Cartwright than Joe himself. Was this what Hoss\u2019s death was turning Ben\u2019s youngest son into? Quiet and closed-mouthed, always hiding his emotions behind a wall?<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart ached knowing that his actions last night had made Joe seek refuge at his long-dead mother\u2019s grave. Just bones now<\/em>, he thought wildly, perhaps even dust\u2026 like Hoss\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t continue the morbid, terrifying thought. He longed to place a hand on his son\u2019s shoulder, to draw Joseph into his arms and assure him that everything would be alright in the end, that they had each other and that was all they needed\u2026 but his own heart stopped him before his fingers could so much as twitch. He was left floundering for words. \u201cPlease\u2014son\u2026 Joseph, look at me.\u201d<\/p>\n

It took Joe a very long time to do as asked but he finally did. Ben\u2019s mouth fell open in dismay. \u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just a cut, Pa.\u201d Hastily Joe raised his hand to his forehead, temporarily hiding the vivid red cut near his hairline from his father\u2019s sight. \u201cThat\u2019s all it is, just a cut.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s mouth was tight. \u201cThe glass,\u201d he said numbly. \u201cIt did that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t bother to deny it. \u201cI went to Doc Martin\u2019s,\u201d he explained, not quite catching Ben\u2019s eye. \u201cHe cleaned it up for me, and I\u2019d planned on coming straight home afterwards but I fell asleep in his office\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright, son. I believe you. But the- the glass, it didn\u2019t do any more damage, did it?\u201d He was terrified of the answer.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t answer immediately but the anxious father saw his eyes flatten, and he didn\u2019t stop his son when he was skirted around. Joe was halfway to the barn entrance before he finally stopped and considered what he could tell Ben. For a moment he was abruptly reminded of a dream he\u2019d had following a brutal bushwhacking. He remembered the illuminated ranch house surrounded by stifling, choking darkness and the blurred, shadowy figure of his father standing on the porch beckoning him to come back home.<\/p>\n

He remembered in that dream telling Ben how tired, how utterly exhausted fighting for the next breath he was.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t gone to his father\u2019s beckoning hands in that dream. He couldn\u2019t do so now, either.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, answer me one question, and answer it honestly. All those years ago, when we were fighting over the Truckee Strip, and I pulled my gun on you\u2014what did you feel in that first moment?”<\/p>\n

Ben couldn\u2019t quite grasp the reason why Joe would be bringing up that particular moment. \u201cJoseph, I really don\u2019t see why\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust answer me, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a sharpness to his son\u2019s voice that effectively stopped Ben short. He was compelled to answer. \u201cI- felt confused,\u201d he answered slowly, almost choking on the words; they seemed to cut his mouth. \u201cAngry. Scared, perhaps. And\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, Pa? What came after \u2018and\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I felt ashamed,\u201d Ben whispered. \u201cOf you, Joseph. Ashamed of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

His son didn\u2019t turn around but those broad, sturdy shoulders slumped. In some odd way Joe felt himself wilt knowing the effect his reply now would have. \u201cThat\u2019s the damage you did last night, Pa. And I don\u2019t reckon you\u2019ve ever quite got over that moment, either.\u201d Without waiting for a reply he left the barn and his father\u2019s presence, pressing his hand hard against his mouth to stem the tears he wanted to shed at the blow he had just so callously delivered.<\/p>\n

Seated now at his desk in the dark, Ben bitterly asked again what he had done. Joseph\u2019s last words to him in the barn said all too clearly that he was far from forgiving his father and Ben was at a loss on how to mend the rift between them.<\/p>\n

The grandfather clock marked the three o\u2019 clock hour as he finished the glass of whiskey, grief choking in its intensity as he wished again desperately for the son he had lost.<\/p>\n

And as if answer, he heard through the darkness familiar footsteps walk along the solid oak floor, a steady and comfortable pace that signified a large man carrying a large weight. Ben would know those footsteps anywhere. How many times had he been able to lay in bed late at night and know which son was up and about after midnight just by the sound of their weight on the floorboards? Goosebumps raced down his arms and back as he straightened in his seat, suddenly wide awake and aware and wishing his eyes could see in the shadows.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t spoken his middle son\u2019s name more than once or twice in the days since he\u2019d lost him. The one syllable seemed to hang in the air, vibrating as it waited for an answer.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Lo, Pa.\u201d It was Hoss\u2019s deep, warm voice that greeted him in the darkness. \u201cSeems you\u2019ve got yourself in a bit o\u2019 trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was speechless shaking where he sat, unable to process the impossible. In the dim moonlight he finally caught sight of his middle son standing before him\u2014and he realized with a twist of his stomach that he could smell the dirty and putrid scent of a river swollen by runoff. Hoss was soaked; his clothes clung to his massive frame and dripped onto the floor and his thinning hair was plastered to his head. Abruptly Ben was struck by fear and he struggled to his feet. \u201cYou\u2014Hoss, what\u2014\u201d His voice cracked with strain and disbelief. \u201cYou can\u2019t be here\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gotta let me go, Pa.\u201d Hoss\u2019s voice cut gently through his father\u2019s questions. \u201cYou got a right to mourn, but you\u2019re not movin\u2019 on. You\u2019re stuck on the day I drowned, and until you leave it, I\u2019m gonna be in that river.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben felt tears rise up and choke him once again. \u201cSon\u2014I try. It\u2019s\u2026 hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gotta go on, Pa. You ain\u2019t gonna find any peace with that river, you know that. You\u2019ve still got Joe and Jamie to take care of, and me\u2026 well, I ain\u2019t gonna find rest \u2018til you move on.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben swallowed past the lump in his throat, wanting nothing more than to reach out and draw his son into his arms again\u2014but of course that couldn\u2019t be done. \u201cI\u2019ve lived with you boys longer than I did with all your mothers,\u201d he whispered, grabbing the edge of the desk with white-knuckled hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe thankful for those years, Pa, but don\u2019 waste the ones you have left. Not on my account. Please, Pa, watch over Joe and Jamie like you always have and let me climb outta that water to dry off\u2014my clothes are awful wet!\u201d Remarkably the gentle giant laughed quietly, easing his last words into a joke.<\/p>\n

Equally remarkably, Ben found himself beginning to smile hearing it. Hoss could still laugh. He was still watching over his family he\u2019d been forced to leave behind. \u201cI\u2019ll try, son. I surely will try.\u201d It was all he could promise but it still seemed enough to please Hoss.<\/p>\n

There was still one thing that Ben\u2019s middle son needed to address\u2014the most difficult thing. \u201cYou know Joe\u2019ll forgive you, Pa, he loves you too much not to. But you need to work on forgivin\u2019 him, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

The morning came quietly, a far cry from when Ben had sat in darkness a few hours earlier. He woke to Hop Sing\u2019s hand gently shaking his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cMistah Cahtlight. Wake up, Mistah Cahtlight. Sun up long time already. Sons up and gone to work.\u201d<\/p>\n

The small cook\u2019s words confused Ben and allowed him to wake up quickly. Sitting up he looked around and realized that he was stretched out on the settee and wrapped up in one of the blankets from upstairs. He had no recollection of laying down here but he felt surprisingly more rested than he had in a very long time, and his sore heart no longer throbbed quite so painfully. He just couldn\u2019t remember why. Had Joseph come and helped him last night after all? But no\u2014if it had been Joe, Ben would have found himself in his own bed.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Joseph was not talking to him and hadn\u2019t even spent the night in the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cWork?\u201d he repeated, swinging his legs to the floor. \u201cWhere did they go?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing shook his head. \u201cLit\u2019le Joe say they ride fence. Hole in north pasture line. Gone many hours. Not sure when they be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

His sons had left for the day, leaving Ben alone in the house. \u201cBut\u2014Jamie has school,\u201d he protested. \u201cHe can\u2019t be out riding the fence all day\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSatuhday, Mistah Cahtlight. Jamie no school. Lit\u2019le Joe ask brother go with him. Leave velly early.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben stood, feeling his joints protest at the movement. It was growing harder and harder for him to stay up all night or sit in the same position for too long. \u201cAll right,\u201d he murmured to himself. \u201cThank you, Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing get coffee.\u201d Satisfied that the other man was awake, the small cook headed off to the kitchen, then stopped abruptly as he spied what at first glance appeared to be a shadow. \u201cWho track dirt into house?\u201d he demanded. \u201cFamily know rules\u2014why always testing Hop Sing\u2019s patience? Go back to China where Hop Sing appreciated!\u201d With a humph and continuing his rant in Cantonese he went back to pour his old friend\u2019s drink.<\/p>\n

Ben, however, felt his heart suddenly pause with realization that the water tracks marked by dry silt sat in front of his desk\u2014exactly where he had imagined seeing his middle son just last night. A mix of grief and awe moved him wondering at the fact that Hoss had really been there speaking to him.<\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re stuck on the day I drowned\u2026 and until you leave it, I\u2019m gonna be in that river.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Lord,\u201d Ben murmured, looking heavenward for answers, \u201cplease help me. Help us. We\u2019ve all been so far adrift since Hoss died. Help us.\u201d<\/p>\n

He needed the Lord\u2019s strength to continue making it through each day, being unable to carry such grief on his own. It struck him suddenly that after all his wives had died he had been called a widower both at the gravesites and whispered along the streets of Virginia City especially so following his beloved Marie\u2019s passing. But following Hoss\u2019s death, he realized that no one could call him by any name that meant the loss of a child.<\/p>\n

There was no word that could describe that type of anguish.<\/p>\n

Hoss had been right telling Ben he still had Joe and Jamie to take care of. But the chasm between them had only seemed to grow the last few days\u2014especially with Joseph\u2014and he still didn\u2019t know how to rectify it. Hoss\u2019s wish for his father to forgive Joe sprang to the forefront of his mind but he didn\u2019t know if he actually could.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright was by no means a perfect man. He had faults like any other human being and had said and thought and done things that were even now sources of silent shame for him. But nothing cut him quite so deeply than his thoughts following Hoss\u2019s death\u2014especially since part of him still felt that way.<\/p>\n

He had barely finished his coffee when rushing hooves in the yard caught his attention and walking to the front door he saw with a terrible lurch to his stomach that Jamie was galloping into the yard, windswept and breathless and calling for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa! Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Terror twisted Ben\u2019s gut as he hurried out to his son. \u201cWhat\u2019s happened, Jamie? What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

The redheaded boy shook his head, trying to catch his breath. \u201cIt\u2019s- Joe, Pa\u2026 tree fell where we were at. Cochise threw him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMicah!\u201d Ben bellowed. \u201cSaddle my horse and follow us in the buckboard\u2014 and send David for Doctor Martin.\u201d In five minutes Buck was saddled and ready and he was assured the buckboard would be hitched up not long after; Jamie led him in a near canter towards the pasture where he and Joe had been riding fence in, worrying about his older brother and fighting guilt that he\u2019d had to leave Joe alone to get help.<\/p>\n

Ben, for his part, was terrified of what he would find. Jamie had only said that Cochise had thrown Joe\u2014 a serious enough action on its own\u2014 but clearly something desperate had happened if he needed help.<\/p>\n

When they finally reached the site of the downed tree, however, it was far worse than he could have imagined. The large limbs of the Ponderosa pine lay broken and wretched where it had landed on the fence, and he could spy his son\u2019s pinto through the mess, trembling and snorting in his fear\u2014 and laying near the fence Ben saw Joe\u2019s legs lying in view. When he walked close enough to see injuries, however, he couldn\u2019t stifle his gasp.<\/p>\n

Joe wasn\u2019t lying near the fence\u2014 he was on<\/em> it. Clearly the falling tree had spooked Cochise enough to make his son lose his seat and he\u2019d fallen on the wire; barbed wire, the latest trick to prevent cattle from roaming too far from their grazing pastures. Blood was pooled beneath Joe\u2019s back and right arm where the points had stuck him.<\/p>\n

Ben crouched beside him careful not to jar the fence, frightened that if prodded the barbs could tear Joe up inside even more. His son was unconscious and as white as a sheet, and for a terrible moment the terrified father was sure that Joe wasn\u2019t breathing.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Jamie was kneeling on his brother\u2019s opposite side, reaching out with the unshakable assuredness of youth to grab hold of the loose left arm. \u201cJoe, I\u2019ve brought Pa. I\u2019ve brought him just like you asked.\u201d<\/p>\n

Knowing that Joe had asked for his father even after all the things Ben had done and said the past few days sent a shiver of guilt down his spine. \u201cJoseph.\u201d Tenderly, his hand shaking, Ben reached out and smoothed back his son\u2019s wayward curls, relieved beyond words when he felt warmth beneath his fingers. Joe didn\u2019t stir at all. Jamie looked up at him, frightened and needing Ben to assure him things were going to be okay, but his father could only swallow and try to hide his own fear. Dear God, he couldn\u2019t lose his son. Not now.<\/p>\n

Not ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cJamie,\u201d Ben spoke quietly, barely able to hide the trembling in his voice, \u201cwe\u2019re going to need Micah immediately. Get him now and make sure he has a blanket.\u201d Before the words were fully out of his mouth Jamie was up and moving, running for the approaching buckboard. Ben gripped Joe\u2019s hand with his own, willing him to wake, but there was nothing. \u201cPlease, Lord,\u201d he breathed, choking back tears with difficulty, \u201cdon\u2019t let him die. Don\u2019t let him die.\u201d<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

<\/h3>\n

\u201cChapter 2\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be all right in time,\u201d Paul stated in the silence. The stairs beneath his weight creaked sharply as he descended from the second level of the ranch house; its piercing sound was aggravating to his waiting audience.<\/p>\n

Ben, pacing worriedly in front of the cold fireplace, stopped abruptly at the doctor\u2019s words. He was drawn and pale, far less like the Ben Cartwright that Paul was familiar with; his white hair was askew and a day\u2019s worth of stubble shadowed his jaw. \u201cHe\u2019s fine?\u201d he demanded hoarsely, meeting the doctor at the bottom of the steps. Jamie was standing up from the seat he had taken, relief stark in his expression.<\/p>\n

Paul was grateful that he had no tragic news to tell this shattered family\u2014 the news he did have, however, was awful enough. If Joe had died\u2026 Paul shuddered to think what that would have done to his old friend. \u201cHe\u2019ll be<\/em> fine,\u201d he corrected, emphasizing the future tense. \u201cThat barbed wire\u2026 ever since that confounded fence has sprung up in these parts I\u2019ve had to patch and stitch up more cuts and fight more infection than I have before.\u201d The frustration and disgust lacing his voice told all too well what his exact thoughts were about it. \u201cThe barbs have at least a few inches between them on the wire and Joe was fortunate enough to land in the space between them so that his back wasn\u2019t as shredded as I\u2019ve seen possible. It\u2019s good that you and Micah and Jamie lifted him up straight off of the fence\u2014 trying to move him alone would have torn him up more than he is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he awake?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul hesitated, and that was all the answer Ben needed; the anxious father\u2019s expression darkened with dismay and regret when the doctor voiced aloud what Joe had said:<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t want company right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had always been the son who when injured or sick wanted\u2014 and practically demanded\u2014 company while he was laid up in bed. There had never been a time when he hadn\u2019t wanted the presence of his father there beside him. To know that he had decided to nurse his hurts in private now hurt.<\/p>\n

Paul knew the blow he had just delivered but could do nothing to rectify it, knowing the pain was shared between a father and son. All he could do now was leave some medicine for his patient. \u201cI\u2019ve given him an injection of painkiller to allow him to rest. His back is bandaged and will need to be redressed tomorrow. His arm was worse than his back and that\u2019s what I\u2019m most concerned about right now, but so far I\u2019ve wrapped it and I didn\u2019t see any blood staining the cloth when I left. Keep an eye on it until I come back up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Numb, Ben thanked his old friend on habit alone and barely realized that he was showing Paul to the door. When finally the latch clicked shut and the doctor\u2019s wagon drew away he turned helplessly towards the open living room, his throat tight and painful.<\/p>\n

The ride back to the ranch and the three-hour wait for Paul had been agonizing. It had taken the three of them, Ben, Jamie, and Micah, to lift Joseph off of the bared wire, Ben at his head, Micah at his torso, and Jamie lifting his legs; the entire time Joe didn\u2019t so much as twitch, and the stains of blood on his sleeve and back had grown. Transferring him to the blanket that had been brought from the buckboard they wrapped him up securely before placing him stomach-down in the back. It was when they had to wrap his bleeding right arm that he had stirred, gasping in pain, and for just a moment Ben had seen Joe\u2019s green eyes glazed with pain and confusion looking back at him, but he had made no response to his father\u2019s pleading and had quickly slipped into darkness again.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t woken again since they had brought him to the Ponderosa. They had called Paul Martin to the ranch house and had been shooed out of the room when the doctor appeared.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve handled Joe\u2019s injuries for the last thirty years, Ben. Let me treat him alone for now. I\u2019ll be down after I\u2019ve finished.\u201d Paul had no wish for his old friend to see the injuries that the barbed wire could\u2014 and probably had\u2014 caused to Joe\u2019s back, and he ushered the anxious father out the door and closed it soundly behind him.<\/p>\n

Dear God, how much more could this family take? The loss of Hoss had not even begun to heal and they were forced to deal with this.<\/p>\n

Joe had come awake as the doctor finished up wrapping his arm. The wounds made by the barbs were deep and painful, stark red gashes that didn\u2019t want to stop bleeding, but they were luckily not so bad as Paul had first feared; the doctor was only concerned now with the possibility of blood poisoning. Hopefully not enough dirt or rust had entered the wounds to cause infection.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, son.\u201d Paul gently pressed down on Joe\u2019s shoulder, keeping his patient still enough to finish with the gauze. He caught sight of dazed green eyes looking at him through wayward curls and knew already that he was going to be bombarded with questions.<\/p>\n

The first was expected. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d Joe croaked hoarsely. He was looking around at his room as if unable to comprehend anything that had led him there.<\/p>\n

Paul straightened, washing his hands. \u201cYou had an accident up in the pastures,\u201d he explained. \u201cIt appears you fought a barbed wire fence and lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTree fell.\u201d Joe attempted to move as memory started to resurface, hissing in a breath and freezing as the movement pulled at the wounds in his back. Worry was taking over confusion and he looked at Paul beseechingly. \u201cJamie?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing had mentioned that Jamie had been the one with Joe during the incident. Of course the latter would be concerned. \u201cHe\u2019s fine, Joe. Shaken seeing you thrown the way you were but he managed to come and fetch help when he needed to. He\u2019ll be much better knowing you\u2019re awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was taken aback to see tears suddenly appear in Ben\u2019s son\u2019s eyes. Joe swallowed hard but his voice was still shaky as he spoke aloud: \u201cI was terrified, Doc. Bleeding bad. I couldn\u2019t move. Jamie tried to help\u2026 he couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright to admit you were scared, Joe,\u201d Paul told him gently. \u201cBut you\u2019re going to be fine now, Jamie got you help\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want him to see it happen if I\u2026\u201d And Joe\u2019s voice cracked sharply before he could finish the sentence, the words seeming to click on his teeth before they could escape. But of course he didn\u2019t need to complete the thought. \u201cAnd Hoss\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul hadn\u2019t learned the details of Hoss\u2019s drowning until much later, and it hadn\u2019t been around any of the Cartwrights. It had been the foreman Micah who had drawn Paul aside after one of his daily visits to the ranch that first week and explained about the early morning downpour that had caused the river the cattle drive had rested beside to flood its banks. Currents had been incredibly strong beneath the surface and one of the hands had somehow managed to fall in.<\/p>\n

Hoss had gone in after him without hesitation; neither man had reached the banks alive.<\/p>\n

And Joe had been there forced to watch it all.<\/p>\n

Of course he would have been terrified of making Jamie go through what Joe himself had only just had to witness: the death of an older brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t have to, son. Jamie will be fine. And I daresay you\u2019ll be up and about within days contrary to my direct orders.\u201d Paul was heartened when his very accurate statement brought about a small smile. \u201cNow, your pa\u2019s been worried about you, so I think it would be a good idea for him to come up and see you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sharp answer brought the doctor to an astonished halt. \u201cJoe\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t see him now. Please, Paul. Don\u2019t let Pa come up.\u201d<\/p>\n

It had been the doctor who had patched up the gash on Joe\u2019s forehead only the day before and he knew the circumstances for it. Joe\u2019s tongue had been surprisingly loose that day in Paul\u2019s office and he\u2019d finally admitted his fear of Ben\u2019s incessant drinking and refusals to sleep. He had confessed he didn\u2019t know how to break his father out of the grief of Hoss\u2019s death and was afraid he\u2019d lose Ben, too. But he was unable to express that to the father who had so alienated himself.<\/p>\n

It hurt, that realization.<\/p>\n

But Paul was beholden to the wishes of his patients when they were of sound mind. He shook his head sadly but agreed. \u201cGive it time, Joe. That\u2019s all you can do. You and your father love each other too much to let this destroy you both.\u201d<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

Silently Ben stole into his dark bedroom, wincing when the door creaked warningly in his ears. It seemed much too loud in the quiet. He kept a hopeful ear out for a call for him from Joe but so far in two days\u2019 time he had not heard it. For now he had to sneak into his son\u2019s room in early morning to sit beside Joe while the latter lay sleeping, and he left before the sun began to rise.<\/p>\n

The separation was taking its toll.<\/p>\n

Ben wanted his family together. All of them. He wanted his eldest Adam to be here by his side instead of hundreds of miles away. He wanted his youngest to speak to him again, to forgive Ben for his actions.<\/p>\n

He wanted Hoss alive.<\/p>\n

But it didn\u2019t do to dwell on wishes. Dreams were a figment of a longing heart. He had lost, and lost again, several times over and he was a foolish old man. The Ponderosa hadn\u2019t been enough to keep Adam here and Hoss was gone forever. He was afraid that he had just lost whatever love and respect Joe held for him.<\/p>\n

Walking up to the edge of his bed he lit the lamp that sat there and blinked in the sudden flare of light. He frowned.<\/p>\n

Sitting there innocently on the table was his worn copy of the Bible. But he had left it on his desk downstairs over a week ago\u2014 in his shock and then subsequent drinking he had almost forgotten about the Good Book. The words written in it had once been his source of strength and encouragement but now tasted like ash in his mouth and bittered his tongue. He didn\u2019t remember carrying the book up with him. Carefully he reached out a hand and picked it up, weighing it in his grip, and he was taken aback by how comfortable its familiar weight felt.<\/p>\n

He had prayed to the Lord to let Joseph live. The Lord had done so. Joe was mending and Paul was certain that the risk of infection was nil. Ben\u2019s son would be on his feet sooner rather than later, and for that the father was grateful.<\/p>\n

A small tremble shuddered its way down his back as he looked around, looking for some clue as to how his Bible had ended up here. But there was nothing.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t waste the years you got left.<\/em><\/p>\n

Abruptly Ben realized that Hoss wasn\u2019t really gone. He was still within the Lord\u2019s grasp, and he had visited Ben only a few nights before. The Lord kept all those who were within His arms and death did nothing to change that.<\/p>\n

Hoss was okay. Now Ben needed to make sure that the rest of his family would be, too. God had made Man with both strength and faith and wanted His children to show those qualities in the most difficult of times.<\/p>\n

He needed to confront the bitterness and loss head-on in order to live. And Ben would need to start with Joseph.<\/p>\n

Looking up he stared at the ceiling. \u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered, both to God and his son, and he kept hold of the Bible as he turned away from his bed and walked back out into the hallway.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s door was partially closed but it was enough for Ben to sidle carefully through so that it didn\u2019t creak open. In the darkness he could barely make out the bed but time and familiarity led Ben surely to its side without trouble, and he found that the chair beside it was empty. Clearly both Hop Sing and Jamie\u2014 Joe\u2019s caregivers in the past two days\u2014 had decided to sleep in their own beds tonight. That suited Ben just fine. He wasn\u2019t entirely sure whether he could actually have the conversation he needed to with his son just when it was the two of them; he knew that with an audience, no matter how small, it would be impossible. He lit a match and the lamp beside the bed flared to life, low and soft.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s even, slow breathing let Ben know that he was asleep. Hopefully without nightmares. With a low groan and creaking knees he sat down as softly as he could on the chair, placing the Bible\u2019s solid weight on his lap for reassurance. The quiet darkness and the proximity of Joe lent him enough peace to gather himself and find the strength he needed.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s shifting drew Ben away from his thoughts, hearing his son\u2019s sharp intake of breath signifying that he had been surprised awake. From the darkness Ben heard his son ask in a voice rough with sleep, \u201cHoss?\u201d<\/p>\n

The question was a knife to the waiting father\u2019s gut. Would it ever grow any easier to hear his middle son\u2019s name without wanting to cry? He reminded himself forcibly of Hoss\u2019s words from a few days\u2019 ago and shook his head even though he knew Joe wouldn\u2019t be able to see it. \u201cIt\u2019s Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was no answer. The silence was more intimidating than if Joe had demanded Ben to leave. It broke Ben\u2019s tenuous control. He wanted to reach forward and grab hold of his hand but didn\u2019t dare.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Joseph. Talk to me. It\u2019s been two days. I need\u2026 to know how you\u2019re doing.\u201d When he still didn\u2019t receive a reply he pressed a little harder, determined. \u201cWe need to speak of- of Hoss. Of what this has done to us. Please, Joe, I need you to speak to me.\u201d It was hard to push out those words. Even harder when still there was no answer. He bowed his head, struggling to keep sudden tears from falling.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben, hardly daring to hope, looked up to find that Joe\u2019s hand had come to rest on top of his own, the bandages rough on his skin. His son was watching him tiredly through half-lidded eyes, his mouth tight with pain\u2014 but he was awake, and willing now to acknowledge his father\u2019s presence.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d Ben wrapped his hands around Joe\u2019s and lifted it gently to his mouth, his eyes moist as the tears turned to ones of relief. \u201cIs the pain any better, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

Trying to swallow past a dry throat, Joe managed a small nod. \u201cBit,\u201d he said hoarsely. Lying there unable to hide behind his actions, Ben suddenly realized that his son had lost a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time, and there was noticeable grey in his hair. Hoss\u2019s death and Joe\u2019s struggle to keep himself and his father from completely falling apart had done this. Unable to abandon the father who had fallen to pieces following the drowning, Joe had put aside his own grief and tried to keep Ben from withering away, and those suppressed emotions were eating him from within.<\/p>\n

Hoss had told Ben so. He had said so specifically the other night that there was the need to forgive on both sides, and Ben hadn\u2019t understood what he had meant. But now he did. There was no way any of them could truly move on until they lanced and drained the wounds that had been gouged into being.<\/p>\n

The father could only pray that he had the strength to admit his sin.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, however, it was Joe who made the first move. The youngest son of Ben Cartwright\u2019s blood had always been his most emotional son, easiest to anger, fastest to react, but he had also been the one never able to hold onto those emotions for long. Forgiveness and apology came naturally to him.<\/p>\n

Now was no exception. He didn\u2019t want to remain at odds with and angry at his father. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d he whispered. \u201cAbout what I said\u2026 in the barn. I don\u2019t- I\u2019m not angry anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben managed a smile even as he swallowed past a lump in his throat. His remarkable son. \u201cYou don\u2019t need to apologize, Joseph. I know you meant those words, but you\u2019re still willing to work past them.\u201d It was hard to speak now, but it had to be done. He prayed for strength and lowered Joe\u2019s hand to the mattress. \u201cBut I have something I must tell you, Joe. It\u2019s- it\u2019s not something I will ever forgive myself for feeling, but\u2014 Hoss was right, you\u2019ve begun to forgive me for my unforgivable actions, and now\u2026 now I must do the same.\u201d Oh Lord, what was he doing? A solitary tear escaped his hold; grief and self-loathing twisted his expression as he choked out the awful truth. \u201cA part of me blamed you for your brother\u2019s death, Joseph. I wondered why you hadn\u2019t done more to try and save him. My own son\u2014 dear God, how could I blame one for the other? But I did, Joe\u2014 I did!\u201d And finally the floodgates opened and Ben hid his face in the sheets of the bed and wept.<\/p>\n

A soft, gentle touch on the crown of his head slowly stilled his grief; fingers were stroking his hair, an old calming tactic Ben himself had utilized with all of his sons at one point or another. Looking up, hardly daring to hope, he raised his head up to find Joe watching him with tear-filled eyes, his hand never ceasing its stroking of his father\u2019s hair. \u201cI know,\u201d he said shakily. \u201cI know you did, Pa\u2014 but I blamed myself more. But when I was visiting Mama\u2019s grave the other night I realized that she\u2019d died in a freak accident like Hoss did. Nothing coulda stopped it from happening. Not for either of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

The realization of the truth in his son\u2019s statement was overwhelming. Ben was momentarily stunned, unable to speak or reply; his grip tightened compulsively around the spine of the Good Book. \u201cI know,\u201d he whispered, gripping the hand stroking his hair and entwining his fingers with Joe\u2019s. \u201cI know that now. I think I knew that all the time. And I\u2019m sorry, son. Truly\u2026 I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u201cYou were hurting.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBe ye angry,\u201d Ben said aloud, the well-remembered verse flowing easily from his mouth, \u201cand sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.\u201d<\/p>\n

Inexplicably Joe began to laugh\u2014 albeit quietly and a mite breathlessly as the stitches in his back pulled\u2014 but it was a sound that pulled Ben up short. Neither of them had laughed in such a long time. \u201cHoss would be knockin\u2019 our heads together,\u201d he finally explained to his father\u2019s confusion, \u201ctellin\u2019 us we\u2019re bein\u2019 stubborn\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBone-headed mules,\u201d Ben finished with his son, and he felt a smile of his own start to pull at his mouth. The humor was there, and it was real, and their shared amusement did what nothing else had; it started to heal the rift that had formed between them.<\/p>\n

Yes, indeed. Hoss was watching over them even now.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

The waters at Lake Tahoe were quiet. The air was heavy with the scent of the ponderosa pines, and the wind blew warm and inviting as Ben and Joe rode up to the familiar bluff overlooking the waters. Leaving Buck and Cochise standing ground-tied several feet behind them father and son walked the remaining distance to the familiar marker of Marie Cartwright\u2019s grave.<\/p>\n

Beside it there lay a second, newer stone that sat vigil over a still-bare mound of dirt.<\/p>\n

Ben grabbed hold of Joe\u2019s arm when he felt the latter hesitate. His touch was gentle but still Joe startled, having almost forgotten that his father was standing beside him. He was certain that his father had not been here since the funeral, and he was also sure that Ben had been so despondent during it that he retained no memories of when Hoss\u2019s body was laid to rest.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo on, Pa,\u201d he said softly. \u201cI\u2019ll be right here.\u201d<\/p>\n

It had been by his urging that Ben had made this trip down here. He had saddled the horses; he had seen Jamie off to school. Perhaps Joe was being selfish but he wanted this time spent between just him and his father and the one they loved so much. Ben needed to say goodbye.<\/p>\n

They all did.<\/p>\n

Ben, for his part, tried to slow his pounding heart. He knew he needed to do this, he needed to face this final farewell, but he was feeling abruptly frightened and even abandoned when he realized that Joe would not walk with him the remaining few feet. But of course Joseph had already been down here; he had no need to face this grave today. Feeling unsteady he let go of his son\u2019s arm (the left arm, since the right was still lightly bandaged) and forced his feet to move.<\/p>\n

He knelt silently beside the grave, reaching out a tentative hand out to the cool stone of the marker. In bold letters he sat the name Eric \u2018Hoss\u2019 Cartwright\u2019 carved there and he felt tears choke him. But he fought them back, knowing that his middle son was in a good place\u2014 a place even better than the Ponderosa itself. There was hope. Even now he knew that there was that, and he would try to remember it always.<\/p>\n

As if in answer he felt the wind shift, blowing gently in his direction, and as if in his thoughts he heard heavy, familiar footsteps to his left.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

His son smiled down at him. \u201c\u2018Lo, again, Pa.\u201d He was standing a fair distance away from his father still, but he was close enough for Ben to see that he had changed since the night a couple of weeks ago; his clothes were drying, and his wispy dark blonde hair was no longer plastered to his head. His familiar gap-toothed grin was clear to see. \u201cLittle brother finally convinced you to come down, then.\u201d He held up a hand hastily when Ben began to speak. \u201cNow, Pa, I know what yer gonna say. It\u2019s alright. Don\u2019t feel guilty no more, Pa. You know neither Joe or me hold these past few weeks \u2018gainst you. Anyways, I\u2019m almost dry and that\u2019s relief enough.\u201d There was true laughter in his tone as he spoke those last few words and Ben drew heart from that.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill you- be all right now, son?\u201d he asked instead.<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded. \u201cFine, Pa. Jus\u2019 fine. You and Little Joe and Jamie\u2014 you\u2019ll get through it all together. I\u2019m gonna go and find Ma.\u201d<\/p>\n

Inger. The mother Hoss had never known. Marie. The one he remembered and the one he loved so much. Both would be waiting for him. Elizabeth would be there, too. Ben swallowed hard but he found that his tears had abruptly vanished. They would be back, he knew, and at the oddest moments, but for now he was able to find peace. \u201cThank you, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss knew all of what he was saying in those three words. His grin widened. \u201cCan\u2019t leave you and Joe to knock yer heads together like two billy goats. You know how much me and Joe and Jamie care about you, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d He did. Those three words were the hardest ever spoken\u2014 I love you\u2014 but he had never had to hear them aloud to know that they were true. Abruptly his sorrow turned to joy.<\/p>\n

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.<\/p>\n

The familiar verse of the Good Book had never rung more true than in this moment. The Lord was in control, and His ways were always good. Ben had been given the chance to say goodbye to his son; the Lord had allowed the rift between him and Joseph to be mended.<\/p>\n

He could truly give thanks now. And when he wept it would not be in bitter anger. He would be grateful for every second he had been blessed by being Hoss Cartwright\u2019s earthly father, and he would bear his loss silently and patiently until the time came for them all to be gathered together again.<\/p>\n

That was, after all, the Lord\u2019s way.<\/p>\n

~\/~\/~\/~\/~<\/p>\n

The grave at Lake Tahoe lay undisturbed and quiet forever afterwards except for those of Hoss\u2019s family came; Hoss himself never reappeared again, but slept free from the river and in his mother\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Tags:\u00a0 Angst,\u00a0Ben Cartwright,\u00a0Joe \/ Little Joe Cartwright<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: The outcome of Hoss’s untimely death was devastating – but none so much as for Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Rating: T\u00a0 (10,140 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10581,"featured_media":15316,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,41,61],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","category-missing-scene","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id","wpcat-61-id"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/IMG_2560.jpg?fit=685%2C627&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16485","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/10581"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16485"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16485\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/15316"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16485"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16485"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16485"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}