Summary:\u00a0The studio executives have two problems. First, one of their stars wants to leave a hugely successful show. Second, his fans won’t allow it.<\/p>\n
Approximately 1,600 words. Rating: PG<\/p>\n
Studio Executives Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n The Real History of “The Crucible”<\/a> <\/p>\n THE ROBERTS DILEMMA<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Scene:\u00a0 Office of Studio Executive #1 at Paramount.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Sheesh, what a friggin\u2019 nightmare. Have you seen<\/em> all this mail?<\/p>\n STUDIO EXECUTIVE #2:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Unbelievable. You\u2019d think we were looking to cut off Landon\u2019s hair from the way these girls are screaming.<\/p>\n STUDIO EXECUTIVE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, it\u2019s not that<\/em> bad. I mean, Landon\u2019s fans are crazy as loons. If we messed with his hair, they\u2019d blow the place up.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> You think they know he dyes it? Seriously\u2014young guy like that, and he\u2019s almost completely gray.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> How do you know?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> His new contract. There\u2019s a line item for hair color.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> At least he has<\/em> hair. Better than\u2014<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Can we focus? We have a lot bigger problems than buying Landon some Miss Clairol. What the hell are we gonna do about Roberts?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> It\u2019s not like we can keep him here against his will. There are laws about that. My nephew\u2019s in law school\u2014he says it\u2019s called \u201cinvoluntary servitude\u201d or something like that.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> You think we don\u2019t know? That\u2019s why we did that whole story arc with the whiny blonde and the kid. He was supposed to get married, ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after\u2014and you saw what happened.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Don\u2019t remind me. I thought Landon\u2019s fans were nutty, but these people . . . . (shudders<\/em>)<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Man, did they hate that girl\u2014Kathie what\u2019s-her-name. I didn\u2019t think she did a half-bad job, but I swear if her and Adam had gotten married, there\u2019d have been a crowd outside the gates waiting to stone her.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Frankly, I like Kathie. I think she does good work. When we had her married to that tax guy and Hoss delivered her baby, everybody liked her fine.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> And nobody had a problem when she was in that other episode and Hoss was in love with her. Even though she broke his heart, nobody really complained. Maybe because we killed her that time, and they figured she got what she deserved.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Blocker\u2019s fans are just easier to handle. They\u2019re too busy making up recipes for Hoss to be any real bother.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> What about Greene? Does he even have any fans?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Cripes, shut up<\/em>! If he hears you said anything like that, his agent\u2019ll be in here screaming.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Again with the focusing, okay? I don\u2019t give a crap about Greene\u2019s feelings right now. Roberts\u2019s agent is gonna be here tomorrow morning, and we\u2019ve gotta have a plan for how we’re gonna exit him from the show, or he’s gonna walk out and we’re the ones who are gonna have hell to pay with the fans.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> You wanna know what\u2019s weird? When we were gonna get Adam married off, it was the girl<\/em> the fans hated. Not him.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> So?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Why would they hate him for getting married?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> Just hear me out. The one thing about all these crazy-ass women who watch the show is that they hate to have the guys involved with ladies. Have you noticed that? We always have to kill the girls or have them leave town.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> That\u2019s because the fans are in love with the Cartwrights, you idiot.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I\u2019m talking about. They love the guys, so they don\u2019t want them to be with anybody else.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> How does that help us?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> Maybe the answer is to do something so they don\u2019t like Roberts. Then, he can leave in peace.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Getting him married was supposed to do that. We figured they\u2019d think he was cheating on them and they\u2019d get pissed off and want us to get rid of him.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Kinda backfired, didn’t it?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> And the only one who was pissed off was Roberts because he was stuck here. This is ancient history, guys. We need something that will let us get him out the door with all his fans standing there waving bye-bye.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> You wanna kill him?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> And have them kill us<\/em>? I don\u2019t friggin\u2019 think so.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Come on, they\u2019re not like Landon\u2019s fans. At least these people aren\u2019t nutty as fruitcakes.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t read these letters, have you? I swear, if we screw this up, this crew is gonna storm the gates.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> Let\u2019s see. What if Adam mouths off to Pa?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Big deal. Little Joe yells all the time, and his fans think it\u2019s adorable.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> He could say he wants to leave the Ponderosa to pursue his dreams.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Little Joe did that, too. Went off to be a sheriff somewhere. The fans loved it, because he got beat up and<\/em> saved the day. If we\u2019d given him a big mushy moment with Pa at the end, they\u2019d have elected us all president.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> What if Adam went back to college? He could become a professor or something.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> They wouldn’t be mad at him for that. Far from it. They\u2019d demand a sequel. Bonanza: The University Years<\/em> or some such crap.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> What do you wanna do? Give Adam a boyfriend?<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> (spits out his coffee<\/em>) Are you out of your freaking mind? Who do you think he is\u2014Rock Hudson?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> Well then, you<\/em> come up with something!<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> Simmer down, you two. There\u2019s gotta be something we can do. (flips through the letters<\/em>) Listen to this: \u201cDear Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> It\u2019s not even addressed to Roberts?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> \u201cYou are the most perfect man I have ever known.\u201d<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> She knows<\/em> him?<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> Does she know this is, like, a fictional character?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> \u201cYou are a paragon of virtue. Your fine mind and finer body inspire me.\u201d<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> \u201cInspiring\u201d? Is that what they\u2019re calling it now?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> \u201cI fantasize about making passionate love with you, feeling your strong arms around me, and afterward, resting my head in your manly chest hair.\u201d<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> Are you making this up? (SE #3 hands him the letter. He reads, jaw dropping. He hands it back.<\/em>) Incredible.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> \u201cI will never marry until I meet a man as brilliant, as virile, and as perfect as you, my darling Adam. All my love forever, Your Snow Queen.\u201d<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> I need a drink.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> It\u2019s ten-thirty in the morning.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> And? (reaches into his desk drawer and produces a bottle. The other SEs hold out their coffee cups. SE #1 pours. They all drink. Long silence.<\/em>)<\/p>\n Then . . .\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> (leaps to his feet<\/em>) I\u2019ve got it! (snatches up the letter and kisses it<\/em>) Thank you, Miss Looney Tune!<\/p>\n * * * *<\/p>\n Scene:\u00a0 On the set. Interior: a dilapidated cabin. ADAM is tied to a chair. His shirt is on the floor. BAD GUY #1 is standing over him. BAD GUY #2 is stirring something in a pot at the stove.)<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n DIRECTOR:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0 Action!<\/p>\n BAD GUY #1:<\/strong>\u00a0We warned you, Cartwright!<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0No! I won’t do it!<\/p>\n BAD GUY #2:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0(cackles<\/em>) We told you, we want that money! Either you tell us where it is, or\u2014<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0 <\/strong>No! I will never disgrace the Ponderosa! I will sacrifice everything to protect my family and all we’ve built!<\/p>\n BAD GUY #1:<\/strong> Last chance!<\/p>\n BG #2 approaches with the pot in his hand, blocking view of ADAM. ADAM screams.<\/em><\/p>\n DIRECTOR:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cut!<\/p>\n * * * *<\/p>\n Scene: \u00a0On the set. Interior: living room of Ponderosa. ADAM stands at left, by the front door. BEN, HOSS, and LITTLE JOE are at right.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0 Son, you don\u2019t have to go. It\u2019ll be all right. We\u2019re with you in this.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0 I can\u2019t, Pa. I just can\u2019t. But I don’t regret it. It was the price I had to pay.<\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> Adam, it ain\u2019t as bad as all that.<\/p>\n LITTLE JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 (places a hand on ADAM\u2019s shoulder<\/em>) Listen to me, Older Brother. This is how I live every day of my life. You get used to it.<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sorry, Little Brother, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever get used to\u2014this.<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You\u2019re sure, Son?<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 I’m not saying I regret my choice. It was what I had to do to save the Ponderosa. But now, I have to go somewhere new. Someplace where nobody knows what I was like .\u00a0.\u00a0. before.<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dadburnit, Adam, I don\u2019t get it. It\u2019s just not that big a deal.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>(eyes blazing<\/em>) Not that big a deal? Easy for you to say. You still have\u2014you\u2019re still\u2014<\/p>\n LITTLE JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 But I\u2019m not! And I\u2019m fine! Why do you want to look like a gorilla, anyway?<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0It\u2019s different for you! You\u2019re just a kid! You don\u2019t understand, any of you! (grabs his hat and runs out of the house, followed by BEN, HOSS, and LITTLE JOE)<\/p>\n LITTLE JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wait! (ADAM tries to mount, but LITTLE JOE pulls at his shirt, and it rips open<\/em>)<\/p>\n Close up: ADAM\u2019s chest, as smooth and hairless as LITTLE JOE\u2019s.<\/em><\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Son, I\u2014I don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like to be the way you are now, but\u2014<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 (voice breaking<\/em>) Just let me go, Pa. (looks back at his family, eyes glistening<\/em>) Goodbye.<\/p>\n All watch as ADAM rides away, shirttails flapping.<\/em><\/p>\n DIRECTOR:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Cut! Print!<\/p>\n Actors and crew mill around. Wranglers retrieve horses. In a corner, the STUDIO EXECUTIVES whisper.<\/em><\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> You really think this will do it?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> We gave them torture, nobility, honor, sacrifice, and emotional distress. They get to love how he left, but let\u2019s face it\u2014they wouldn\u2019t want him like this. Not without that manly hairy chest.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> I still can\u2019t believe Roberts agreed to wax.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> The price of freedom, baby.<\/p>\n * * * *<\/p>\n For reasons unknown, this final episode, tentatively entitled \u201cThe Waxing,\u201d never aired. Pernell Roberts left Bonanza and went on to live a fine and successful life. To the best of our knowledge, he did so with a full complement of chest hair.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
\nLittle Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/a>
\nThe Roberts Dilemma<\/a>
\nA Ponderosa Christmas . . . Or Maybe Not<\/a>
\nMen of the Ponderosa:\u00a0 A Valentine’s Day Treat<\/a>
\nOn the Other Hand<\/a>
\nFake History<\/a>
\nA Sharp Idea<\/a>
\nNegotiating Clingers, Going Natural, and the Big-Ticket Item<\/a><\/p>\n