{"id":1950,"date":"2009-09-04T09:45:41","date_gmt":"2009-09-04T13:45:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1950"},"modified":"2026-03-05T08:20:14","modified_gmt":"2026-03-05T13:20:14","slug":"time-to-let-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1950","title":{"rendered":"Time To Let Go (by JoanS)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: <\/span>Joe has to say goodbye to a beloved friend<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K (5,965 words)<\/p>\n

Time to Let Go Series<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

Time to Let Go<\/a>
\nTime to Say Goodbye<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Time To Let Go<\/strong><\/p>\n

The lamp cast a small arc of yellow light around the stall and cast eerie shadows against the wall of the barn. If Joe had been in another frame of mind he would have reached over to move it closer to him, but instead he just stared into the ever-increasing gloom as he gently wiped the heaving flank of the horse next to him with rhythmic strokes.\u00a0 His expression was blank as he worked, and his eyes showed an emptiness that came from deep within. His body was hunched over as if in pain, as indeed he was.\u00a0 Yet his pain came from inside this time and he knew that there was nothing that would make it go away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019d felt this pain before.\u00a0 It was something that had come to him four times in his life now and each time it had become worse.\u00a0 Each occurrence of it had compounded upon the last until his very soul cried out for relief, even when he knew that there was none to be had. He closed his eyes momentarily as he thought back to those other times and his heart constricted as a wave of emptiness washed over him once again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His other hand reached out to the animal and he gently patted its neck, as he made quiet soothing noises to it. \u2018It\u2019s OK fellar,\u2019 he whispered. \u2018It\u2019s OK now.\u00a0 I won\u2019t leave you Cooch\u00a0 \u2026. I won\u2019t ever leave you again.\u2019\u00a0 He felt the moisture spring to his eyes as he saw the animal staring back up at him and he gently smiled down at him. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said softly. \u2018I know fellar.\u2019\u00a0 The tears began to run down his cheeks as he sat there bathed in the soft glow of the lantern and he did nothing at all to stop them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As a child and then a young man Joe had always had his emotions close to the surface and everyone usually knew how he felt about things, but as he had matured into the man he had become now he had grown more guarded in his feelings to the extent that no one except his father could read Joe Cartwright \u2026 and there were times when even Ben found it difficult. It was as if the responsibility of running The Ponderosa and the hurts that he\u2019d had to endure along the way had made him retreat from the world and there seemed to be a wall now around Joe\u2019s soul that he allowed few people to see beyond.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Joe?\u2019\u00a0 He wiped his eyes on his sleeve quickly before turning to see Candy standing behind him. \u2018How\u2019s he doing?\u2019\u00a0 asked the man as he knelt down beside him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head and gave a rueful smile. \u2018Worse,\u2019 he said quietly. \u2018He\u2019s sinking fast.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy sat in silence beside his friend, his heart aching for the man, yet unsure of how to comfort him.\u00a0 Close as they were, he respected Joe\u2019s right to solitude at this time and didn\u2019t want to infringe upon it.\u00a0 Even so, as his heart went out to him he longed to say or do something to make it known how much he felt for his friend. \u2018I\u2019m sorry,\u2019 he said simply, knowing that the words didn\u2019t even make an ounce of difference to Joe\u2019s sorrow, yet needing to say something \u2026 anything \u2026 to break the unbearable silence.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded slightly as he continued to rub the animal beside him. \u2018Thanks,\u2019 he muttered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Is there anything I can do?\u00a0 I mean \u2026.anything I can get for you?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head and then turned away from the other man, not wanting him to see the pain that he knew must be etched plainly upon his face. \u2018No thanks,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m just gonna stay here quietly with him.\u2019 Candy nodded, feeling helpless in his ability to say or do something to help his suffering friend. \u2018We\u2019ve been together a lot of years,\u2019 Joe said suddenly. \u2018He\u2019s been\u00a0 \u2026.\u2019\u00a0 His voice caught for a moment and Candy wondered if he would go on. \u2018He\u2019s been \u2026 a great friend.\u00a0 Haven\u2019t you boy?\u2019\u00a0 Joe stroked the horse gently and smiled through the tears that were threatening to fall again. He took a deep breath and willed himself to continue.\u00a0 \u2018I remember when Pa first gave him to me \u2026 it was for my twelfth birthday and I was so proud to finally have a big horse like Adam and \u2026\u2019\u00a0 his voice faltered again and Candy felt the raw pain in his friend\u2019s voice as he uttered the name that he heard him say so infrequently now\u00a0 \u2018 \u2026 and Hoss.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe gave a small smile as he remembered. \u2018Pa wanted Adam to help me train him, but I wouldn\u2019t wait.\u2019\u00a0 He chuckled quietly. \u2018I always was a stubborn kid you know Candy.\u00a0 I think that Pa could have throttled me so many times when I was growing up. Anyway, the first time I got on Cooch\u2019s back I just knew that I wasn\u2019t going to need help to train him much.\u00a0 He and I have always understood each other, even back then.\u00a0 Adam didn\u2019t have to help me out much at all with him and within days we were riding together as if we had been for years.\u2019 His bottom lip quivered as he struggled to maintain his composure. \u2018We were a great pair, the two of us.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy nodded. \u2018You sure were,\u2019 he said. \u2018Lots of people have always envied you this horse Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s always been Joe Cartwright and his pinto.\u00a0 People often recognised me by knowing Cochise first, you know.\u2019\u00a0 Candy nodded, feeling that the talking was doing Joe good. \u2018People always expected us to be together.\u00a0 Lately since I haven\u2019t been riding him so much I know that everyone has felt that things were different.\u2019\u00a0 He sighed deeply. \u2018I\u2019ve felt it myself.\u00a0 No other horse comes close to this one you know.\u00a0 He\u2019s more than just a horse.\u2019\u00a0 He laid his face on the animal\u2019s neck for a moment and smelt his fragrance. \u2018I just wish I could have \u2026\u2019\u00a0 His voice faltered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy put his hand on his friend\u2019s shoulder. \u2018You\u2019ve done all you could Joe,\u2019 he said quietly. \u2018There\u2019s nothing that anyone could have done.\u2019\u00a0 He hesitated, knowing what was in the other man\u2019s mind. \u2018Even him,\u2019 he said finally.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shot Candy a startled glance as if unsure whether or not to acknowledge the remark and then looked away quickly again. \u2018I know,\u2019 he muttered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy decided not to push it.\u00a0 He knew that Joe was missing desperately the one person who could have made a difference to him right about now, and the knowledge hung in the air between them. Hoss had always been so good with animals and though they both knew that even the big man couldn\u2019t have saved Joe\u2019s beloved Cochise, Hoss would still have been the support to his brother that no one else could be.\u00a0 The spirit of Hoss at that moment was with them \u2026 Candy could feel it \u2026 and yet what Joe needed desperately right now was his brother\u2019s physical presence to sustain him at this time.\u00a0 He felt a deep longing to try to fill that empty space for his friend, yet he knew that it was impossible to do so.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He wasn\u2019t family.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t able to help Joe any more than he was doing and the thought of that crippled him inside.\u00a0 The Cartwrights had been so good to him over the years and he wanted to give something back right at this moment to repay one of them.\u00a0 Ben had taken him in and given him a new chance at life and for that he would be eternally grateful.\u00a0 He had never known Adam, yet he sensed that he would have got on with him if he had \u2026 or if he ever got the chance in the future.\u00a0 Hoss had been such a generous person that he couldn\u2019t have helped but be friends with him.\u00a0 He had developed a great respect for the man and his death had shocked and saddened him deeply.\u00a0 Jamie was developing into a great kid.\u00a0 But Joe \u2026 Joe was his true and loyal friend and to see him suffering in this way was heartbreaking for Candy to watch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe Cartwright had always accepted him for who he was.\u00a0 Candy had watched him struggle over the years to overcome the loss of his beloved Alice and Hoss and had admired the way in which the man had stood beside his father to support him through it all even when he himself was grieving.\u00a0 He admired him for the way he had gently eased the older Cartwright\u2019s burden of running this vast ranch and had done so in a way that was both capable and supportive.\u00a0 There was a lot of strength in Joe Cartwright and Candy knew that he would survive this latest blow, but once again his friend needed to struggle through it first.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy knew that people who didn\u2019t know the Cartwrights well considered them lucky and at first glance he had as well.\u00a0 After all, they owned this vast ranch and many other rich holdings as well.\u00a0 The family had done well for themselves in that sense.\u00a0 Yet behind the public life was a series of heartaches and tragedies that they had had to contend with that no amount of money or prestige could make up for.\u00a0 Looking at Joe now, Candy knew without a doubt that his friend would have traded every material thing he possessed to be able to have his beloved horse back again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You want me to stay for a while?\u2019 he asked, already knowing the answer as he spoke the words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u2018No thanks.\u00a0 I just need to be with him by myself.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy tightened his grip on the other man\u2019s shoulder momentarily. \u2018I understand,\u2019 he said as he stood up. \u2018You know where to find me if you change your mind.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded as Candy walked to the door. \u2018Candy?\u2019 he said suddenly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes?\u2019 Candy turned at the sound of his name.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked over his shoulder at his friend. \u2018Thanks,\u2019 he said shortly and in that one word put the depth of his feelings for their years of friendship. Candy smiled at him and nodded as he walked outside and towards the house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe turned back to Cochise and began again the rhythmic stroking of the suffering animal.\u00a0 His thoughts drifted back to the day he\u2019d been talking about with Candy and he remembered once more the thrill of a young boy\u2019s heart as he took his first ride on his very own \u2018grownup\u2019 horse.\u00a0 He bit his lip as he remembered the look of pride on their faces as they watched him, the three of them leaning on the fence smiling at him. \u2018Where did it all go Cooch?\u2019 he said softly as he saw once again the smiling faces of his brothers and father that day. \u2018Where did it all go fellar?\u00a0 They\u2019re both not here any more and I need them so much.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He shook his head as he tried to clear his mind of the painful image. He knew that he should be grateful that he still had his father and he was \u2026. more than he had ever been able to express to the man in these past few years \u2026 but their family would never be the same again and he missed it all so dreadfully.\u00a0 \u2018They\u2019re all leaving me fellar,\u2019 he whispered. \u2018Even you now Coochie.\u2019\u00a0 He hung his head and wept bitter tears for the loss of his brothers and the youth that he had once been.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In many ways Joe didn\u2019t feel any different to the young boy that he had been then.\u00a0 He still felt that sparkle for mischief that Pa assured him would always be in his character.\u00a0 He still felt the exhilaration for life that would now and then run through his veins for as long as he drew breath.\u00a0 He still felt admiration for a pretty female face, satisfaction for his work well done and pride in this ranch that he had always called his home.\u00a0 But other things were gone and he knew that they were now forever lost to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Gone was the carefree feeling that he\u2019d once had about life.\u00a0 There were so many responsibilities now that he had had to take on \u2026 especially since Hoss\u2019 death.\u00a0 His father had seemed to age overnight when it had happened and Joe was the only one who could shoulder things for him to ease the burden.\u00a0 He had done so without hesitation, but there were times when he longed that there\u2019d been someone else to stand beside him and help.\u00a0 His face hardened as he thought about whom that someone should be and as always wiped the thought from his mind as soon as it had entered it.\u00a0 To go down that path was to invite feelings that he didn\u2019t care to admit, even to himself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He heard a movement behind him, but he didn\u2019t move as he felt a presence beside him.\u00a0 He knew who it was, just as he\u2019d always known and there were no words that needed to be spoken between them.\u00a0 Ben sat down beside him and stared first at the sick horse and then at the taut and controlled face of his youngest son.\u00a0 They sat in silence for a few moments, each acutely aware of the other\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I thought you might appreciate a blanket,\u2019 said Ben finally. \u2018It\u2019s going to be a cold night.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 He knew that his father understood that he would stay there until the end \u2026 no matter how long it took.\u00a0 The end \u2026 his eyes filled with tears again in spite of himself at the thought of it. \u2018Thanks,\u2019 he said gruffly in order to mask them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben watched his son\u2019s face carefully and saw the tears that he was trying so desperately to hide.\u00a0 He shook his head as he thought about how unlike Joe that was and how his son had changed over the years.\u00a0 The boy inside him was crying out as he always had for comfort, yet the man that he\u2019d become was trying desperately to hide it. \u2018Son \u2026\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s ministrations to the horse became more insistent and he moved away slightly from his father while he continued to wipe down the horse\u2019s flank. \u2018Its OK Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018He\u2019s not suffering much now.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s beyond it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben leant closer to his son. \u2018I wasn\u2019t thinking about Cochise\u2019s suffering,\u2019 he said. \u2018I was actually thinking about yours.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe concentrated on the animal in front of him. \u2018I\u2019m OK Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018You don\u2019t have to worry about me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben said nothing, but put his arm around his son\u2019s shoulders and held on tight.\u00a0 Gradually he felt Joe lean in towards him, his body melting into the strength of his father in spite of his tough exterior. \u2018It\u2019s all right Joe,\u2019 he said softly. \u2018You\u2019re allowed to be upset you know.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m OK,\u2019 Joe repeated, as if to convince himself of the fact. Ben noticed that he still refused to make eye contact with him. \u2018I\u2019m just glad that he\u2019s not suffering much through it all, you know Pa?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he said. \u2018I know son.\u2019\u00a0 His grip on his son became tighter as he tried to convey to him without words what he was feeling.\u00a0 He stared at Joe. \u2018Joseph \u2026\u2019 he said softly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath and then interrupted his father. \u2018I was remembering about when you first gave him to me,\u2019 he said. \u2018Remember?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded and smiled as he remembered back to the look on his young son\u2019s face and the boy\u2019s delight with the present. \u2018I also remember some of the trouble you two used to get into,\u2019 he said. \u2018You never would ride at any less than a gallop would you?\u00a0 I seem to remember a time or two threatening to take Cochise away from you for a while until you learnt to curb that enthusiasm you rode him with.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father for the first time. \u2018But you never did,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I couldn\u2019t have stood the fuss you\u2019d have put up if I had,\u2019 his father said. \u2018You were a very emotional boy back then.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u2018I remember,\u2019 he said. \u2018I was telling Candy earlier that you probably wanted to throttle me a time or two.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018A time or two, yes,\u2019 said Ben with a twinkle in his eye. His hand moved from his son\u2019s shoulder to the back of his neck and he began to massage it, feeling the tension beneath his fingers.\u00a0 He was pleased to feel that Joe didn\u2019t resist the touch in any way.\u00a0 He wondered how long it had been since he\u2019d been able to touch his son in this way.\u00a0 Too long, he decided.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Joe had been younger he\u2019d welcomed his father\u2019s physical touch \u2026 he\u2019d sought it out as his first means of comfort \u2026 but as he\u2019d grown older and particularly in recent years he\u2019d removed himself from the contact.\u00a0 Ben knew why, but it still grieved him that he didn\u2019t have the physical closeness with his son that he\u2019d used to and he longed for it again.\u00a0 He longed for so many things lately that weren\u2019t to be, but at least Joseph was still his and here with him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He smiled fondly at his son. \u2018Joe?\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yeah Pa?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m proud of you son,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe looked embarrassed and looked down again at Cochise in front of him. \u2018Thanks Pa,\u2019 he mumbled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No Joseph I really mean it,\u2019 his father continued. \u2018Its at times like this that we should say what\u2019s in out hearts son and during the past few years I\u2019ve really appreciated the way that you\u2019ve \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe put his hand up. \u2018Pa please,\u2019 he said in a quavering voice. \u2018I can\u2019t \u2026 I mean I just don\u2019t think I can take it right about now.\u2019\u00a0 He bit his lip and hung his head, a sign that his father had always known meant that he was on the verge of tears. \u2018I\u2019m sorry Pa,\u2019 he whispered. \u2018 But I don\u2019t want to \u2026.\u2019\u00a0 His voice faltered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Joseph it\u2019s all right,\u2019 said his father. \u2018You have the right to be upset son.\u00a0 You and Cochise have been so close for many years now and it\u2019s only natural that you \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It isn\u2019t just that Pa,\u2019 interrupted Joe in spite of himself. \u2018It\u2019s just \u2026.\u2019\u00a0 Ben waited as his son tried to compose himself enough to finish. \u2018It\u2019s just \u2026.\u2019\u00a0 Joe wiped his eyes on his sleeve. \u2018I\u2019m thirty-four years old Pa and I\u2019m crying for a horse, for heaven\u2019s sake!\u2019 Joe\u2019s voice rose, showing his father the depths of his despair. \u2018I don\u2019t know \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was silence between them \u2026 a silence that begged to be broken if only Ben could find the right words to do so.\u00a0 For so long he\u2019d been forced to stand by and watch Joe grieve his brother\u2019s passing in relative solitude.\u00a0 So many times he\u2019d tried to reach out to his son, but Joe had closed the wall against his father and pretended that he was recovering from the loss well.\u00a0 Yet Ben knew better.\u00a0 He ached to touch the core of Joseph where he knew the hurt still remained, but Joe kept it closed to him as if it were something that he wanted to keep all to himself.\u00a0 If only Joe would realise that in releasing the hurt it would begin to heal \u2026 instead he felt that he had to keep it inside in case it caused his father more hurt by witnessing how he truly felt.\u00a0 What he didn\u2019t realise was that Ben knew it anyway.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re not just crying for Cochise Joseph,\u2019 Ben said softly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe stared into his father\u2019s eyes and his face crumpled. \u2018I need him so much Pa,\u2019 he said frantically. \u2018I miss him so much!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know son,\u2019 said Ben as he drew his son towards him and rested his head on his chest. \u2018I miss him too.\u2019\u00a0 He hugged his boy to him as Joe\u2019s sobs overcame him and father and son remained in a tight embrace for a long time, their tears falling onto each other\u2019s clothing unchecked. Now that the floodgates of his emotions had been opened, Joe cried with a passion that he didn\u2019t know was in him and he found that he couldn\u2019t stop.\u00a0 Not since Alice had died had he behaved like this \u2026 or before either, and in a way it was strangely releasing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe felt as he had done all those years ago as a small child with his head buried on his father\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 He remembered back to that time so early in his life when the first of the hurts had come upon him.\u00a0 He\u2019d been so small then, in many ways too small to have understood what was happening, but he\u2019d picked up on the emotions of those around him and in his small heart he had felt the aching loss as deeply as they had.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He cried for the mother he\u2019d only just begun to know at the time and the realisation that he\u2019d never get to know her as he would have liked to.\u00a0 All he had were dim memories of her and there were times that he didn\u2019t even know if the memories were his own or ones that had been planted there unconsciously by his father and brothers. Her death had provided the first scar on his soul and at a very early age.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He cried for his brother Hoss.\u00a0 The big brother that he had always depended on \u2026 the big brother who had always been the rock from which he had drawn his strength.\u00a0 He had been taken away so suddenly and with him went a part of Joe that he would never be able to get back again. Hoss \u2026 He dug his fingers into his father\u2019s shirt and clung to him as he had all those years ago as a child.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stroked his son\u2019s hair and buried his face down into it, noticing with a lurch of his heart the grey flecks that were sprinkled in amongst the brown.\u00a0 When had Joseph become this man that he held in his arms now?\u00a0 His heart ached for the little boy again \u2026 for all his boys.\u00a0 One was lost to him forever and one may as well have been, for he had been gone so long now that Ben was beginning to lose the small details of the memory of him. Only Joseph remained of all his boys and the child that his son had been was no more.\u00a0 In his place was this man who was fast approaching middle age and Ben found it difficult to comprehend.\u00a0 He closed his eyes as the tears fell from them and pretended that it was Little Joe that he held again in his arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Cochise stirred slightly and Joe immediately lifted his head and drew away from his father. He wiped his sleeve across his face and tried to compose himself before picking up the cloth again and going back to stroking the animal. \u2018I\u2019m sorry Pa,\u2019 he said quietly. \u2018I didn\u2019t mean to let go like that.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Joseph son \u2026 please never apologize for your feelings.\u00a0 I miss him too,\u2019 Ben replied. \u2018I miss both of them.\u2019\u00a0 He saw Joe\u2019s jaw clench at his words. \u2018Adam isn\u2019t dead you know son,\u2019 he continued. \u2018You do still have a brother.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He may as well be,\u2019 Joe replied in a tight voice as he continued to comfort the sick animal. \u2018He doesn\u2019t belong here anymore.\u00a0 He has made his feelings about his family very plain over the years.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gave his son a frustrated look. \u2018Joe you have to understand the way that Adam \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe pulled away from his father. \u2018I do understand Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I understand more than you think.\u00a0 He chose to leave and that\u2019s all there is to it.\u2019\u00a0 Ben heard the bitterness in Joe\u2019s voice as he continued. \u2018He\u2019s had many opportunities to come back and he never has.\u00a0 Even when \u2026\u2019 his voice faltered. \u2018Even when Hoss \u2026.\u2019\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice faltered again and this time he couldn\u2019t continue.\u00a0 He hung his head and was silent.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart constricted.\u00a0 He knew that Joe grieved for Adam as much as he did for Hoss, and in a way the pain of his loss went even deeper. Hoss had never chosen to leave his family \u2026 it was something that had been beyond his control \u2026 but Adam had made a conscious decision to go, and for that Joe had never quite forgiven him.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s leaving had left another scar on Joe\u2019s soul that time had not yet healed, even after all these years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe lifted his head and looked at his father. \u2018Everyone I love leaves me Pa,\u2019 he said falteringly. \u2018Mama, Adam, Hoss, Alice \u2026 they\u2019ve all gone.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t understand \u2026\u2019\u00a0 He stopped as the realisation dawned on his face as to what he was saying. \u2018Oh Pa!\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry \u2026. I shouldn\u2019t have said \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What son?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe put his face in his hands. \u2018I\u2019m being really selfish Pa … I\u2019m so sorry!\u00a0 Here I am feeling sorry for myself and yet whatever I\u2019m feeling I know that it\u2019s been so much worse for you.\u00a0 I mean \u2026 as well as my mother you also lost Adam\u2019s and Hoss\u2019 \u2026 Alice\u2019s death showed me how hard it is to lose a woman you love and you\u2019ve had it happen three times.\u2019\u00a0 He gave his father a look of abject pity.\u00a0 And then \u2026 then Hoss,\u2019 he shook his head. \u2018I lost a brother Pa, but you \u2026 you lost a son and that …\u2019 his voice faltered again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And Adam?\u2019\u00a0 Ben waited, but Joe said nothing.\u00a0 \u2018One day your brother may return Joseph,\u2019 his father continued. \u2018You have to prepare yourself for that eventuality son and think about \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Do you really think so?\u2019 Joe cut across his father. \u2018Why would he come back?\u00a0 He has never bothered before and frankly I don\u2019t see that he ever will.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben hesitated before replying. \u2018Joseph one day you will have to face the fact that I will no longer be \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe gave his father an appalled look. \u2018No!\u2019 he interrupted angrily. \u2018I don\u2019t want you \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Joseph!\u2019\u00a0 Ben clutched hold of his son. \u2018You are going to have to face it one day son and you may also have to face the fact that it may be the very thing that brings your brother back here, even if only temporarily. Nothing would give me greater pleasure, even in death, to know that my two boys are together again here at their home.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u2018No!\u2019 he said and the horse beside him stirred at the sound. \u2018No! Not you too \u2026. You can\u2019t!\u2019\u00a0 He clutched hold of his father tightly and buried his head on the man\u2019s chest again. \u2018I couldn\u2019t take it Pa \u2026 you\u2019re all that I have left now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stroked the curly hair and bent his own head until it was resting on top of that of his son\u2019s.\u00a0 \u2018Joe I have no intention of leaving you just yet son, but there is a time for everything and my time will come … you know that.\u2019\u00a0 He listened to the man sobbing in his arms. \u2018Everyone\u2019s time comes Joseph.\u00a0 There is a time for letting go of everyone.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Its just so hard though Pa,\u2019 Joe\u2019s voice was muffled against his father\u2019s chest.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know Joe, but it\u2019s part of life.\u2019\u00a0 He searched for the words to ease his own heart as well as that of his son\u2019s.\u00a0 \u2018We\u2019ve both said goodbye so many times to those we\u2019ve loved Joseph and each time we\u2019ve survived it.\u00a0 We survive because we have to son and although nothing ever heals the pain completely we know that we will go on no matter how hard it is.\u2019\u00a0 He took his son\u2019s tear streaked face in his hands and smiled down at him lovingly. \u2018We say goodbye and then we move on.\u00a0 We may take the hurt and the loss with us \u2026. but we do move on.\u00a0 I wish that you could do that with Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u2018I try Pa,\u2019 he whispered. \u2018I really do.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Then that\u2019s all I ask Joe.\u2019\u00a0 Ben looked at Cochise. \u2018This is one of those times Joe,\u2019 he said. \u2018You\u2019re not just saying goodbye to a friend tonight \u2026 you\u2019re saying goodbye to a part of your life that will never be the same without him.\u00a0 Keep the memory of your good times together in your heart Joe, but let him go now and move forward from here.\u2019\u00a0 Joe nodded silently as he gazed at his father. \u2018You have the Cartwright strength in you son,\u2019 continued his father. \u2018It\u2019s what will get you through this.\u00a0 It\u2019s got us both through before so many times, hasn\u2019t it?\u2019\u00a0 He rubbed the back of Joe\u2019s neck as his son nodded at him again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Do you want me to stay with you?\u2019 Ben asked. \u2018I need to go and check on Jamie, but I can come back as soon as \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u2018No Pa,\u2019 he replied. \u2018It\u2019s just Cooch and me now.\u2019\u00a0 He looked down at the horse. \u2018We need some time to say goodbye to each other and we need to do it alone.\u2019\u00a0 He gave his father a weak smile. \u2018I\u2019ll be OK,\u2019 he said. \u2018I will \u2026 now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded and pulled the blanket that he\u2019d brought out with him close to Joe. \u2018Use this,\u2019 he said. \u2018You\u2019re going to need it.\u2019 He stood up. \u2018See you in the morning son,\u2019 he said. \u2018Wake me if you need to.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Night Pa,\u2019 said Joe as he looked up at his father. \u2018I love you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled, thinking how long it was since he\u2019d heard those words. \u2018I love you too Joe,\u2019 he said. \u2018I always have and I always will.\u00a0 Good night son.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath as his father left the barn.\u00a0 He felt about ten years old again \u2026 gone was the tough Joe Cartwright that he showed now to the world and in his place was a scared and unsure boy again.\u00a0 He lay down next to his beloved horse and patted his neck softly as he murmured to him. \u2018I\u2019m here boy \u2026 I\u2019m not leaving you \u2026. not ever fellar.\u2019\u00a0 The horse beside him shifted slightly and then lay still again, feeling the familiar touch that he knew so well begin to calm him as it always had over the years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Outside they both heard the hoot of a lonely owl in a tree and Joe watched as through the open doorway another light in the house was extinguished.\u00a0 He felt as if he were all alone in the world \u2026 as if no one existed outside of himself and Cochise \u2026 and somehow it felt right to be like that. He snuggled in next to the horse and left the steady rhythm of his breathing and was suddenly at peace with the world. The emptiness that he had been experiencing lifted and was replaced by a calmness and an acceptance of the way things were and were about to be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As he looked through the open doorway at the sky he blinked a couple of times and then stared at the stars. \u2018It\u2019ll be OK now fellar,\u2019 he whispered to the animal beside him. \u2018We\u2019ve had our time together and it\u2019s time to let go.\u00a0 It\u2019s all right Cooch \u2026 I promise it\u2019ll be all right.\u2019\u00a0 The horse beside him relaxed under his touch and they lay peacefully together as Joe\u2019s mind drifted back over so many years of their friendship.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As the night wore on, Joe could see himself as the young boy who had ridden the horse with such excitement and such carefree abandonment, he saw the young man who had lavished such care and attention on the animal, he saw the man who had felt at one with the animal for so many years.\u00a0 His hand traced a line down Cochise\u2019s neck and he whispered softly to him. \u2018We sure were great together boy \u2026 we had some good times didn\u2019t we?\u2019\u00a0 The horse nuzzled against him lovingly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He smiled as he thought of the time when Pa\u2019s friend \u2026 he couldn\u2019t remember his name \u2026 had tricked him into riding Cooch and then taken off with him back to the ranch.\u00a0 He could still remember the throbbing in his feet when he\u2019d finally made it back to the house again.\u00a0 He\u2019d actually punched the man once before Pa had stopped him.\u00a0 He remembered the time when he\u2019d fallen from the horse in the front yard and Pa had sat by his bed and told him the story of how he\u2019d met his mother down in New Orleans \u2026 poor Pa \u2026 he\u2019d been so worried about him that day.\u00a0 He remembered with a smile how he used to let Cochise drink coffee from his hat even though his brothers used to laugh at him for doing so. He remembered back to so many times \u2026 so many little things that he and Cochise had shared together that only he could possibly remember \u2026 times that were now finished forever.\u00a0 \u2018Where did it all go boy?\u2019 he whispered.\u00a0 \u2018Where have they all gone to?\u2019 He continued the rhythmic stroking down Cochise\u2019s neck.\u00a0 \u2018Thank you Coochie,\u2019 he said. \u2018Thank you for being there through it all for me. I love you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Three hours later Joe felt the horse\u2019s breath go out of him for the last time and he smiled through his tears as he said his final farewell to his beloved Cochise and let go of him.\u00a0 He lowered his head onto the animal\u2019s neck and lay there quietly with his dead horse waiting for the dawn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He knew that when it did come he would once again get up and go on with his life.\u00a0 A life that would be different again as he forced himself forward one more time without another loved one in his life. Pa was right \u2026 life would go on as it always had … but his soul now carried one more scar. He wondered how many more hurts there were still ahead of him to bear and hoped that he would have the strength to be able to cope with them when they came to him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The emptiness returned once more as he lay and watched the light around him strengthen as dawn approached. Even though he felt at peace about Cochise now he knew that the future without him was one that he would have to steel himself to face. He had learned to let go of one more dear love and life would be forever changed again because of it, but Cochise would always be with him and he would cherish the memory of him.\u00a0 In his mind there would always be that young boy and his beloved horse and nothing could ever take that away from him.\u00a0 He kissed the horse\u2019s neck tenderly and patted him softly as he waited for the new day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The End<\/strong><\/p>\n

Next Story in the Time to Let Go Series<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

Time to Say Goodbye<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Joe has to say goodbye to a beloved friend<\/p>\n

Rated: K (5,965 words)<\/p>\n

Time to Let Go Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":11514,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1007,698],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1950","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-joe-cartwright","category-post-timeline","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1007-id","wpcat-698-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/Joe-copy-7.jpg?fit=594%2C592&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1950","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1950"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1950\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/11514"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1950"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1950"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1950"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}