Summary:\u00a0 The studio executives pitch a brilliant marketing idea.<\/p>\n
Rating: R (mild sexual and suggestive content)<\/strong><\/p>\n Word count: 2,320<\/p>\n Studio Executives Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n The Real History of “The Crucible”<\/a> <\/p>\n MEN OF THE PONDEROSA: A VALENTINE’S DAY TREAT<\/strong><\/p>\n by pjb<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Scene:\u00a0 Interior. Conference room at Paramount. Present: Studio Executive #1, Studio Executive #2, Studio Executive #3.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to be kidding!<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Don\u2019t I wish.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sheesh. Just when you think you\u2019re gonna get a chance to breathe a little. . . .<\/p>\n SE #1:\u00a0<\/strong> There\u2019s no way this is gonna end well. You know that, right?<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Believe me, I know. I bet my phone\u2019s already ringing.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 Who do you figure\u2019s gonna yell loudest?<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does it matter? Either way, it\u2019s gonna be a friggin\u2019 disaster.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong>\u00a0 But it’s gonna make a fortune<\/em>.<\/p>\n SE #1:\u00a0<\/strong> Yeah, there’s that. C\u2019mon. Let\u2019s get it over with.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 Into the lion\u2019s mouth. . . .<\/p>\n ********<\/p>\n An hour later.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Scene:\u00a0 Interior. Ponderosa living room. Present: Ben Cartwright, Adam Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe Cartwright, Candy Canaday, Hop Sing, Studio Executive #1, Studio Executive #2, Studio Executive #3.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 Welcome to the Ponderosa, gentlemen. Hop Sing, won\u2019t you pour some coffee for our guests?<\/p>\n HOP SING:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ll be most happy to pour coffee for our honored guests, Mr. Ben. (pours)<\/em><\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hey, what\u2019re you in such a good mood for?<\/p>\n HOP SING:\u00a0<\/strong> Who, me?<\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> You usually hate when company comes, \u2019cause it\u2019s so much work.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 You even hated when Jamie came, and he\u2019s not company.<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hey, where is the kid, anyway?<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s visiting his grandfather in Boston.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Someday, we should tell the writers there are other places east of here besides Boston.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 At least they can spell \u201cBoston.\u201d Imagine if they tried to send somebody to Schenectady. We\u2019d be here for three days trying to figure out what the town is.<\/p>\n (Hop Sing exits)<\/em><\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 (gesturing to Candy)<\/em> Does he have to be here every time we have a family meeting with the studio?<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why shouldn\u2019t I? I work here, too.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> It\u2019s not right. We\u2019re from different seasons. We don\u2019t overlap.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s not a reason you boys can\u2019t get along.<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not about getting along. It\u2019s just peculiar.<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s got a point. Can\u2019t we get the chronology of this show straight?<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong> \u00a0That\u2019s always kinda been a problem. We just ignore it.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Remember how I was seventeen in the first season and then I was twenty-two in the fourth?<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> You never could count very well.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Pa!<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> All right, boys, settle down. (turns to SEs)<\/em> So, what can we do for you today?<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, fellows, it\u2019s this way. You know that Valentine\u2019s Day is coming up.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jamie asked me about that once.<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> What did you tell him?<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 I said it\u2019s when you tell a pretty girl how much you like her, and you give her a card and candy and maybe some jewelry, and you take her out someplace real romantic, and then you go for a drive in the moonlight, and then, if you\u2019re lucky\u2014<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 (with a menacing stare at Joe)<\/em> \u2014she lets you shake her hand good night.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Um, sure. That\u2019s what I said.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Anyway, here\u2019s the thing. Since you\u2019re all such handsome eligible bachelors (waits while all of them preen)<\/em> the studio thought it would be fun to do something special for Valentine\u2019s Day. Whaddya think?<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 If that\u2019s what my fans want, I think it\u2019d be downright heartless of me to say \u201cno.\u201d (giggles)<\/em> Get it? On Valentine\u2019s Day\u2014\u201cheartless\u201d?<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hilarious. Oscar Wilde has nothing on you.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 What? Who\u2019s this Oscar guy? Don\u2019t tell me we got another relative coming to visit!<\/p>\n SE #3:\u00a0<\/strong> Not this week.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 Rumor has it there are a handful of them back east.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> In Boston.<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> You know, I\u2019ve never quite figured out where all these relatives came from. I thought I was an only child, but somehow I ended up with that nephew, Muley Jones. And then somebody else showed up one time and said he was another nephew.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> That would be Cousin Will. The one who stole my fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oops, sorry. Didn\u2019t mean to bring that up.<\/p>\n CANDY:\u00a0<\/strong> He<\/em> got engaged?<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> You say that like you\u2019re surprised. I\u2019ll have you know I\u2019m quite a catch.<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s just that I thought that was Joe\u2019s job. Ain\u2019t he supposed to propose at least twice a season?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was the original idea, but in the first season alone, these three proposed to so many girls that we had to rethink it.<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong> \u00a0I only proposed to one gal, that pretty little Emily Pendleton. And I ain\u2019t even sure now if I really came out and asked her, but that\u2019s what I meant.<\/p>\n ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0 I had Sue Ellen Terry and what\u2019s-her-name\u2014Ruth, was it? The one who made me wear the bandanna. I think I proposed to them. It was a long time ago.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 That Ruth chick was in the second season. Anyway, in the first season, I definitely proposed to Julia Bulette and Tirza, and I was gonna run off with Amy Bishop, so I win.<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 (clears his throat)<\/em> I was married three times. Which means I\u2019ve proposed to three women, all of whom accepted. So I<\/em> win.<\/p>\n SE #1:\u00a0<\/strong> Anyway, we\u2019re getting off track. We\u2019re putting together something special for Valentine\u2019s Day, and you\u2019re all going to be involved.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> Are we all getting girlfriends?<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or wives?<\/p>\n JOE:\u00a0<\/strong> Sure, Pa. More wives. (rolls his eyes)<\/em><\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> I wouldn\u2019t mind a nice gal.<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 Works for me.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, fellows, we thought about doing something like that, but it turns out we only have one blue dress, and trying to find five girls the right size can be a challenge unless we recycle girls from old episodes.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> That\u2019s always kind of weird, because the audience recognizes them. Like how Joe almost married Tessa who was blind, and the next season Hoss had a crush on her when she was the niece of that nutty professor.<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0And Hoss delivered that blonde\u2019s baby when she was married to a tax collector, and then she was single and he fell in love with her and she got married to somebody else and died, and then she ended up being Adam\u2019s fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was definitely weird. It was like she came back from the dead.<\/p>\n CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s creepy.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Our New Year\u2019s resolution this year is to try not to recycle the girls so much.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 Plus, it\u2019d be a problem with all of them here, because they\u2019d all have to be changing in and out of the same dress, and it\u2019d hold up shooting.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m no expert on costuming, but what if you bought a few more dresses?<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0 And maybe let them gals wear some other colors? We did that when I had those three women who wanted to marry me. I think one of ’em even wore pants.<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> Three women wanted to marry you? In one episode?<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0 They sure did. You and Joe ain\u2019t the only ones who\u2019re irresistible to women.<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> Ahem!<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t there a green-and-white dress around at some point? That little gal from the mountains\u2014Trudy\u2014I think she wore it.<\/p>\n SE #1:\u00a0<\/strong> But she wasn\u2019t a love interest. Love interests wear blue.<\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> I\u2019m pretty sure we\u2019ve had love interests who didn\u2019t wear that dress.<\/p>\n SE #3:\u00a0<\/strong> Things were a little crazy in the early days. Our wardrobe budget was insane, and The Powers That Be said we had to rein it in. That\u2019s why you all wear the same stuff now.<\/p>\n SE #2:\u00a0<\/strong> Speaking of wardrobe. . . .<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0Oh, right. See, fellows, here\u2019s what the studio has in mind. Since we can\u2019t afford all the guest stars, we figured we\u2019d do something to raise a little money instead.<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> Like what?<\/p>\n SE #3:\u00a0<\/strong> A calendar. \u201cMen of the Ponderosa\u201d! Pretty catchy, right?<\/p>\n JOE:\u00a0<\/strong> A calendar? Like the one Hank Munson at the mercantile gives out every Christmas?<\/p>\n HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or the one Andy Gibbons gives out from the feed store?<\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> Or the one Abigail Jones gives out from the school, with a picture of her on every month?<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> I think you\u2019re the only one who gets that calendar.<\/p>\n JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s hope.<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 This calendar is going to be . . . special.<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> (suspicious)<\/em> Special how?<\/p>\n SE #3:<\/strong>\u00a0 (gulps)<\/em> As you know, we need to keep our ratings up. So what better way than creating a calendar filled with hot, sexy men?<\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 Something tells me there\u2019s more to your plan. (fixes each of the SEs with a stern look, and they all squirm)<\/em><\/p>\n JOE:\u00a0<\/strong> (whispering to Candy)<\/em> See\u2014that<\/em> look. That\u2019s why we could never get away with anything.<\/p>\n CANDY:\u00a0<\/strong> (whispering back)<\/em> Glad I didn\u2019t grow up here.<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0You see, it\u2019s like this. The big new thing is . . . adult calendars.<\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> Calendars for adults? Big deal. Kids don’t need calendars.<\/p>\n SE #3:\u00a0<\/strong> No, not\u2014I mean\u2014see, the thing is\u2014<\/p>\n SE #1:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019d be nude.<\/p>\n BEN, ADAM, HOSS, CANDY:\u00a0<\/strong> WHAT????<\/em><\/p>\n JOE:\u00a0<\/strong> You mean right now? (begins unbuttoning his shirt)<\/em><\/p>\n BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0 JOSEPH!!!<\/em><\/p>\n CANDY:\u00a0<\/strong> If he\u2019s in, I\u2019m in. Anything he can do, I can do better. (unbuttons his shirt faster)<\/em><\/p>\n ADAM:\u00a0<\/strong> You going to start singing now?<\/p>\n BEN:\u00a0<\/strong> (brightening)<\/em> We\u2019re singing? You know, I had that hit song. . . .<\/p>\n HOSS:\u00a0<\/strong> (to Adam)<\/em> See what you started?<\/p>\n SE #2:<\/strong>\u00a0 Keep your shirts on, everybody!<\/p>\n
\nLittle Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/a>
\nThe Roberts Dilemma<\/a>
\nA Ponderosa Christmas . . . Or Maybe Not<\/a>
\nMen of the Ponderosa:\u00a0 A Valentine’s Day Treat<\/a>
\nOn the Other Hand<\/a>
\nFake History<\/a>
\nA Sharp Idea<\/a>
\nNegotiating Clingers, Going Natural, and the Big-Ticket Item<\/a><\/p>\n