{"id":204,"date":"2012-08-03T00:48:53","date_gmt":"2012-08-03T04:48:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=204"},"modified":"2026-07-29T13:17:45","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T17:17:45","slug":"the-way-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=204","title":{"rendered":"The Way Home (by Cheaux)"},"content":{"rendered":"

When Joe Cartwright returns to the Ponderosa after his annual month-long vacation, he discovers a world turned upside down where nothing is the same.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Rating: T
\nWord Count: 30,935<\/p>\n

\n

<\/p>\n

The Way Home<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prologue<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHere ya go, sonny,\u201d the old timer said.<\/p>\n

I could barely make out the words. Between my pounding headache and the tobacco wad in his toothless mouth, it was hard to know what he was saying. \u00a0By the look of his buckskins he could be a trapper or trader; maybe even an old scout, but not an Indian\u2014not with curly hair and steel blue eyes. \u00a0His withered hand shook when he handed me a battered tin cup.<\/p>\n

\u201cTh\u2014thanks,\u201d I stammered.\u00a0 The water tasted brackish, but it was wet and I swallowed greedily.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy up, young\u2019un.\u00a0 You be airin\u2019 the paunch, iff\u2019n\u2019 ya don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sure enough, the bile rose in my throat and I turned my head and spat but the drool kept coming as I wretched painfully.\u00a0 Could this day get any worse?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYa look a might puny.\u00a0 Scoot back agin that tree an\u2019 I\u2019ll git ya some more from the creek.\u201d<\/p>\n

I snorted.\u00a0 Puny!\u00a0 Ha!<\/em>\u00a0 That would be something big brother Hoss would say.\u00a0 But I did what the old man asked and the shade was welcome as was the breeze that skimmed across the water.\u00a0 I went easy on the second cup and started to feel a little less shaky.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Mister\u2014?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cZachariah August,\u201d he said resignedly, as if he\u2019d said it a thousand times before.\u00a0 \u201cMost folks just call me Gus.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded and gave him a half-hearted handshake.\u00a0 \u201cJoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm . . . Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t sound like yer too sure about that, sonny.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am.\u00a0 Joe Cartwright,\u201d I said more forcefully.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere ya from?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked around to get my bearings.\u00a0 Pyramid Lake is north.<\/em>\u00a0 \u201cNot far; that away,\u201d I point westward.\u00a0 \u201cThe other side of Virginia City . . . near Tahoe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHeard tell of it.\u00a0 Don\u2019t cotton to city folk much.\u00a0 Stay as fer away as I kin get.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBen Cartwright\u2019s my pa,\u201d I volunteer.\u00a0 \u201cHe owns the Ponderosa Ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gus spit a stream of tobacco juice and grunted.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been on vacation,\u201d I said as if I needed to explain why I wasn\u2019t at home.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, holiday?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t have to work much, do ya?\u00a0\u00a0 Bein\u2019 the boss\u2019s son and all.\u201d<\/p>\n

I chafed at this remark and got a little hot under the collar.\u00a0 \u201cI pull my weight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gus laughed hard at that one.\u00a0 \u201cConsiderin\u2019 how skinny ya are, that can\u2019t mean much!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI work hard!\u00a0 Me, my brothers, the ranch hands . . . all of us, including Pa.\u00a0 Pa never asks anyone to do something he isn\u2019t willing or able to do himself!\u201d<\/p>\n

Gus spat out his chaw, stood up and pointed at a black patch of dirt. \u00a0\u201cEarn yer keep if ya wants to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n

I fumed as I gathered stones and wood for a fire.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know why it bothered me that Gus thought I was a freeloader.\u00a0 Pa doesn\u2019t hand out money; I earn it, same as my older brothers Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 Pa pays more than a fair wage and rewards effort as well as results.\u00a0 Part of that reward is time off every year to pursue our own interests.<\/p>\n

Maybe it was the crackle of the dry wood or the burbling of the water in the creek, but I suddenly couldn\u2019t keep my eyes open.\u00a0 I literally crawled back to the tree and as I stretched out to wait for the food Gus would bring, I found myself drifting, dreaming of vacations past.<\/p>\n

Adam always accused me of frittering away my holiday time chasing the four Ps . . . Petticoats, Ponies, Poker, and Pugilism. Leave it to Adam to use a five-dollar world when a five cent one would do. <\/em>\u00a0He wasn\u2019t far wrong though.\u00a0 All of those P words were certain to be involved during my 30 days of relative freedom from Pa\u2019s ever-present thumb.\u00a0 I say \u201crelative\u201d because being a Cartwright carries a burden all its own as I learned quickly enough when reports of my transgressions inevitably made their way back home.<\/p>\n

By the time I was allowed to travel on my own I was too old to receive a \u201cnecessary\u201d talk for bad behavior but, according to both my brothers, I\u2019d never outgrow \u201cThe Look,\u201d \u201cThe Voice,\u201d or \u201cThe Stance\u201d as they had come to be known by us. \u00a0And, if I had done something to warrant all three at the same time . . . well, Lord have Mercy! \u00a0I have survived this long only by embracing a fifth P . . . Pals.\u00a0 And like my Pa, I have acquired plenty of pals over the years.\u00a0 Unlike my Pa, however, I seem to do all the visiting.<\/p>\n

A tap to my boot brought me back to the present and the odor of roasted rabbit hung in the air.<\/p>\n

\u201cS-sorry,\u201d I yawned and sat up, rubbing my hands together in anticipation.\u00a0 \u201cSmells good.\u00a0 Oh.\u201d\u00a0 The spit was empty; all that was left was a pile of bones.\u00a0 \u201cOh, no.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gus laughed. \u00a0\u201cYou been sawin\u2019 wood for nigh on two hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

I guess I looked pretty pathetic \u2018cause Gus stifled his guffaws.\u00a0 \u201cNo need to fret, sonny.\u00a0 Rabbits is mighty scarce today, but thar\u2019s a string of trout in the creek with your name on it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I grinned like a schoolboy and scampered over the bank to the creek.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t take long to clean and cook the fish and I finished every last one of them.\u00a0\u00a0 While the coffee was boiling, the old man gave me a hard time about going off on \u201cvay-kay-she\u201d when there was work to be done.<\/p>\n

I explained that we didn\u2019t take \u201cvay-kay-she\u201d until the early fall when the final roundup was over and preparations for winter had been made.\u00a0 Sometimes there are only a few good weeks left before snow sets in so scheduling is always tricky with three sons vying for the best weather.\u00a0 My brothers and I used to draw matchsticks to see which of us got to go first, but after older brother Adam left to seek his fortune, Hoss and I decided we\u2019d just trade off.\u00a0 It was my turn to go first this year.<\/p>\n

\u201cWinter you say?\u201d\u00a0 Gus gave me a funny look but right then his mule Sally started heehawing somethin\u2019 fierce and he got up to tend to her.<\/p>\n

I realized how late it was and with home so near, it was time to mount up.\u00a0 I said as much to Gus as I saddled my horse.\u00a0 He looked at me strangely and asked if he could ride along for a while.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have the heart to say no, even though I knew the mule\u2019s pace would slow me down.<\/p>\n

We made better time than I thought.\u00a0 My head was still bothering me a bit and a couple of times I doubled up.\u00a0 Gus started asking questions.\u00a0 I guess he thought keeping me talking would take my mind off my pains.<\/p>\n

So I told him the saga of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t comment much throughout the long story except to spit occasionally.\u00a0 I told him it was better when my Pa sang it.\u00a0 He about swallowed his chaw at that and pounded his thigh until Sally hee-hawed.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what was so funny; Pa has a great voice.<\/p>\n

Then he asked where I\u2019d been on \u201cvay-kay-she\u201d so I told him I\u2019d been visiting the Hanovers down in Arizona.\u00a0 I\u2019ve known Suzi since she was knee-high to a grasshopper and just as flighty.\u00a0 Her name was MacGregor then.\u00a0 Her father was from Scotland, her mother from Georgia.\u00a0 She had this accent that was a little bit of both.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat she be doin\u2019 in Arizony?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe eloped with a soldier named Garrett after she\u2019d only known him for a week.\u00a0 He was regular Army and they moved around a lot which was hard on her since she never got a chance to make friends.\u00a0 But then he got promoted and they were posted to Fort Yuma on the Colorado River.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKnow it.\u00a0 Not bad if you like grasshoppers,\u201d Gus laughed and started slappin\u2019 his thigh again.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t get it.\u00a0 Garrett and I, on the other hand, share a peculiar sense of humor.\u00a0 We\u2019ll dissolve into hysterics over one silly thing or another that Suzi doesn\u2019t get at all.\u00a0 She will just roll her eyes and shake her head at us.\u00a0 Listening to Gus, I\u2019m beginning to understand how she feels.<\/p>\n

About then we hit the turn off for the ranch.\u00a0 I thanked him for his hospitality and wished him well.\u00a0 I doubted I would ever see him again and that made me kinda sad.\u00a0 I could have sworn I saw tears in his eyes when we parted but it may have just been dust in the wind.<\/p>\n

I have had to say farewell to a lot of people in my life, and it never ceases to touch me deeply.\u00a0 Pa says that friendship is the wine of life and the longer we keep it, the stronger and sweeter it grows.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that my wine cellar of friends will ever equal what Pa has collected, but I do have my share of vintage pals.<\/p>\n

Over the next hour or so as I made my way home, I thought again about the saga of the Ponderosa, the journey that Pa has made and all he\u2019s endured\u2014his sorrow at being widowed three times, his joy in realizing a dream come true.\u00a0 He says the Ponderosa is a little piece of heaven right here on earth and I agree.\u00a0 I could never live anywhere but here.<\/p>\n

I thought also of the Hanovers and their dreams.\u00a0 This was an especially good visit because I was there when Suzi told Garrett they were finally going to have a baby.\u00a0 Garrett, of course, was over the moon. \u00a0Sadly, her own family had not softened one bit even when they learned there was to be a grandchild.<\/p>\n

Yes, Pals were definitely the best P of all . . . even above Ponies.\u00a0 Especially above ponies I decided.\u00a0 I finally realized the reason I was bone tired all the time was because the horse I was riding had the worst gait of any I had been on in a long, long time\u2014each step of its stride jars my spine and makes my head throb.<\/p>\n

If it hadn\u2019t been for a stone bruise, I would have ridden my beloved pinto to Yuma but the journey was just too long and the way too unforgiving to chance risking further injury to Cochise when there were plenty of other horses on the Ponderosa at my beck and call.\u00a0 I just hadn\u2019t remembered this particular roan\u2019s gait being so unnatural.\u00a0 I would have to make a note in the stud book when I got home.\u00a0 No way am I going to allow this trait to be passed on<\/em>.\u00a0 No sir.<\/em>\u00a0 I have spent too much time and invested too much energy in establishing JFC Stables as a new enterprise for the Ponderosa, one that has earned the ranch\u2014and myself, to be honest\u2014a reputation for not only breaking and training the finest horses west of Denver, but for breeding them as well.\u00a0 Thanks to my efforts the Ponderosa is now not only known for its prime cattle and timber, but for the finest quality horses as well.\u00a0 The pride and sense of self-worth that has brought me is beyond measure.<\/p>\n

It was nearing dusk as I came around the bend and saw the ranch house in front of me with the emerald blue green waters of Lake Tahoe in the distance. \u00a0I paused for a time, deeply breathing the clean pine air and drinking in the view.\u00a0 Then, grinning from ear to ear, I kicked the roan in the ribs and galloped into the front yard as I always do.<\/p>\n

I was home.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Chapter 1<\/strong><\/p>\n

A\u00a0man dressed in a red shirt with black vest came out of the barn just as Joe Cartwright rode into the yard.\u00a0 Even in the twilight, he knew exactly who it was.<\/p>\n

\u201cCandy!\u201d Joe yelled in surprised delight.\u00a0 Candy Canaday was a good ranch hand and an even better friend.\u00a0 He had come to work on the Ponderosa several years ago after he had wandered on foot\u2014in the middle of Indian territory no less\u2014into the camp of the 116th Militia commanded by Ben Cartwright.\u00a0 Ben had been reactivated under a special order from Colonel Brell and ordered to form a patrol to assist the Army in escorting a renegade Paiute named Wabuska to Fort Churchill. \u00a0Joe and Hoss went along.<\/p>\n

At first the Cartwrights were incredulous at Candy\u2019s audacious behavior, but it didn\u2019t take long for them to appreciate his skills with a gun and survival savvy, not to mention his affability.\u00a0 By the time they were finished with Wabuska, Candy had earned everyone\u2019s respect and\u2014although he hadn\u2019t been the sort to stay long in any one place\u2014when Ben offered him a job on the Ponderosa he accepted on the condition that he could come and go when the mood struck him, which it did from time to time.<\/p>\n

Joe hadn\u2019t seen him in several months and he looked forward to hearing about Candy\u2019s latest adventures, including those involving the fairer sex.\u00a0 In the pursuit of women, they were undeniably well-matched and each took great delight in regaling the other with tales\u2014real or imagined!\u00a0 Joe almost asked whether any new conquests had been made in his absence, but decided to reserve that conversation for another time and a less public place.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen did you get back?\u201d Joe asked as he dismounted.<\/p>\n

Candy stood frozen, his mouth gaping as Joe smacked the rump of his horse and came around behind it.<\/p>\n

\u201cClose your mouth, old buddy, you\u2019ll catch flies.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re dead,\u201d said Candy.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe brushed the dust off his pant legs as he moved closer. \u201cI told Pa I\u2019d be back by the end of the month, but I got delayed down at Yuma Crossing.\u00a0 Do you know there\u2019s some crazy talk about building a bridge across the Colo . . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe realized he was the only one talking and that Candy was staring.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t go in the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019ll explain it to Pa.\u00a0\u00a0 Come on, I\u2019m starving\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0and I smell fried chicken.\u00a0 We\u2019d better get to the table before Hoss eats it all.\u201d\u00a0 Joe turned and headed for the house but Candy caught up to him and grabbed his arm fiercely.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, cut it out!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t go in there!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you crazy?\u00a0 Let go of me!\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to pull away, but Candy held on.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to let me go inside first to talk to your Pa,\u201d he urged.<\/p>\n

\u201cI told you, I\u2019ll explain it to Pa.\u00a0\u00a0 Jeez, Candy, what\u2019s wrong with you?\u00a0 You\u2019d think I\u2019d never been late before.\u201d Joe broke away resuming his walk towards the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot two years late.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned.\u00a0 Dread filled his heart.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou died two years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

He remained motionless, fixed on Candy.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour Pa placed a memorial up at the lake near your mother and . . . Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

The dull headache that had been dogging Joe all day suddenly exploded into what felt like a thousand shards of glass each piercing every part of him \u2014 his eyes, his heart, his lungs.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t breathe at all.\u00a0 His vision pulsated and blurred and he sank to his knees only vaguely aware of someone lifting and dragging him away from the house as blackness enveloped him.<\/p>\n

Hoss?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 2<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>Ben Cartwright was pacing in front of the stone hearth in the great room of the ranch house\u2014back and forth; forth and back; around the settee to the foot of the stairs where he looked in vain towards the upper landing, and then back to the hearth again.\u00a0 Every so often he varied the pattern, stopping at the grandfather clock that stood sentinel near the front door, or moving to the alcove that housed his desk, picking up the silver frame holding images of his three wives\u2014Adam\u2019s mother, Elizabeth; Hoss\u2019s mother, Inger; and Marie\u2014oh! Marie<\/em>\u2014his third and last wife, the mother of the son he thought he had lost forever.\u00a0 Joseph.<\/em><\/p>\n

Candy watched silently from the blue chair to the right of the fireplace.\u00a0 He had done what he could to ease the trauma for his employer.\u00a0 When Joe collapsed, he pulled him into the tack room so he could keep Joe out of sight until he had a chance to warn his boss as he was afraid that the sight of his son \u2014his very much alive<\/em> son\u2014could well harm him.<\/p>\n

When Candy couldn\u2019t rouse Joe, he had left him on the cot, asked one of the hands to ride to town for the doctor, and found another to stay with Joe while he broke the news to the elder Cartwright.<\/p>\n

Mr. Cartwright had absorbed the information as well as could be expected, Candy thought.\u00a0 In shock at first, Ben downed the proffered brandy in one gulp and then demanded to be taken to his son.\u00a0 When they entered the tack room, however, Joe was seizing and a frightened young man was desperately trying to restrain him.<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly!\u201d Ben shouted, \u201cMove away!\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019d seen seizures before from injuries and high fevers.\u00a0 They were always frightening\u2014especially where his sons were concerned\u2014but he knew what to do.\u00a0 Ben quickly removed Joe\u2019s gun belt and kicked away some sharp tools that were nearby.\u00a0 Though it seemed like an eternity, the seizure lasted little more than a minute and afterwards Joe\u2019s breathing returned to normal although he remained unconscious.\u00a0 With Ben clearing the way, somehow Candy and Billy were able to get Joe into the house and up to his old room, which had changed little in the last two years.<\/p>\n

When Ben was satisfied Joe was no longer in distress but merely sleeping the deep sleep that often follows a seizure, he politely, but firmly, escorted Candy and Billy out of the room instructing them to send the doctor up as soon as he arrived.<\/p>\n

Leaning heavily against the closed door, Ben stared at his youngest son.\u00a0 His son\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0his not-so-young son anymore, but always his child.\u00a0 Ben sat on the edge of the chair next to the bed.\u00a0 Picking up Joe\u2019s hand, he covered it with his own and began to pray.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul Martin, M.D., physician and friend to the Cartwright family for nearly four decades, could not believe what he heard when he arrived at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 As Candy had explained it to him, Joe\u2014missing and presumed dead for nearly two years\u2014had shown up at supper time, riding an unknown horse, looking tired and grubby, but otherwise seeming in fine spirits.\u00a0 Candy, concerned about what the suddenness of Joe\u2019s homecoming might do to Ben, had begged Joe to let him break the news but before he could, Candy had watched in horror as one side of Joe\u2019s face pulled into a grimace and he collapsed.<\/p>\n

Now here he was, looking down at the boy\u2014for just as Ben did, Paul looked past the prematurely graying chestnut hair and saw only the boy he had brought into this world.<\/p>\n

Paul had probably set every major bone in Joe\u2019s body at one time or another, removed more bullets, stitched more wounds, and cured more infections and fevers than he could count.\u00a0 He had no doubt whatsoever that he was the doctor he was today because of the challenges faced and obstacles overcome in tending Joseph Francis Cartwright!<\/p>\n

When Ben became aware of his presence the doctor asked his friend to leave the room so he could assess his patient\u2019s condition without Ben\u2019s undue influence.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd just what do you mean by that?\u201d Ben asked indignantly, sitting back in the chair.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Ben, I don\u2019t mean anything other than that I want to observe Joe without you being present.\u00a0 We don\u2019t know exactly what has happened here and I want to be able to ask Joe questions without him becoming upset or self-conscious.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see why my presence would make Joe self-conscious.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThink about it Ben.\u00a0 What is Joe\u2019s usual response to any inquiry about his health?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018I\u2019m fine.\u2019\u00a0 That\u2019s what Joe always says and you know it.\u00a0 He does that so you won\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmmpf!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I\u2019m right.\u00a0 Just wait for me downstairs.\u00a0 Can you please do that for me?\u00a0 For Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked at Paul for the longest time before nodding briefly and blinking away the moisture that was clouding his vision.\u00a0 Paul moved next to his friend and put a hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Feeling it sag beneath his touch, he tightened his grip and gave Ben a little shake.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s still young and he\u2019s a fighter, you know that.\u00a0 More importantly, he\u2019s not alone in this fight.\u00a0 He\u2019s come home, Ben.\u00a0 By whatever stroke of luck or Providence, he\u2019s come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben slumped forward and was silent for a time, then arose slowly from the chair pulling the blanket up around Joe\u2019s shoulders as he did so.\u00a0 In a familiar gesture\u2014one that Paul had seen him make a thousand times\u2014Ben brushed the hair away from his son\u2019s face, letting the back of his fingers rest on Joe\u2019s cheek a moment before bringing himself to his full height and walking out the door without another word.<\/p>\n

An hour later, Joe opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

Paul didn\u2019t say anything at first, choosing instead to wait and see just how much Joe could do on his own.\u00a0 There were several false starts as he repeatedly blinked, drifted in and out of sleep, or shifted his position, but eventually his eyes remained opened, and gradually focused on the doctor.<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome back, young man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMmmm,\u201d Joe mumbled.\u00a0 He tried to sit up but couldn\u2019t and fell back.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere, let me help you,\u201d said Paul, holding out his arms palms up indicating Joe should put his hands in the doctor\u2019s.\u00a0 When he did so, Paul pulled Joe forward and then moved some pillows behind his back.\u00a0 \u201cWhat can I get you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sagged back against the pillows and closed his eyes, again.\u00a0 His breathing was heavy, Paul noted.<\/p>\n

\u201cTh . . . thirsdy,\u201d Joe finally said rather thickly.<\/p>\n

From the pitcher on the nightstand to Joe\u2019s right, Paul poured a small amount of water into a cup and held it out.\u00a0 Joe was able to grasp the cup, although he miscalculated the distance to his mouth and needed Paul\u2019s assistance to drink.<\/p>\n

\u201cMore?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.<\/p>\n

Paul kicked himself for asking close-ended questions.\u00a0 If he was going to assess Joe\u2019s speech, he was going to have to ask questions that required more than a shake or nod.\u00a0 He decided to try another tactic.\u00a0 Walking nonchalantly around the room to the vacant chair on the other side of the bed, Paul inquired casually, \u201cCandy tells me you just returned from vacation.\u00a0 Where did you go this year?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked puzzled for a minute and then replied, \u201cU .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0mmm . . . sus.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Joe shook his head, took a deep breath and then puffed the air out his cheeks, concentrating.\u00a0 \u201cYuma.\u00a0 Su.\u00a0.\u00a0.zi.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi MacGregor?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHan\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0ver,\u201d Joe corrected.<\/p>\n

\u201cHanover, of course.\u00a0 How long has Suzi been married now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cT-two years,\u201d Joe said hesitantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cMmmm.\u00a0 I thought it had been longer than that.\u00a0 August of \u201967, wasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 May.\u00a0 \u201968.\u00a0 Two years,\u201d Joe said much more confidently, then he leaned back and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cT-tired.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right.\u00a0 You rest now.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk later and get caught up.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve seen you.\u00a0 When was the last time I saw you, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes remained closed, but after a moment he replied,\u00a0 \u201cSad . . . Sadurday.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich Saturday?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLast Sad . . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLast Saturday?\u201d the doctor asked doubtfully.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded, \u201cHoss birthday.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben and Candy both jumped as the doctor descended the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that coffee hot?\u201d Paul inquired, spying the pot on the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d replied Candy, \u201cbut there\u2019s some fresh on the stove.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Candy.\u00a0 Oh, and would you ask Hop Sing to heat some water while you are out there?\u00a0 Just enough to wash up,\u201d Paul added as he sat on the edge of the blue chair.\u00a0 Candy nodded and left the great room quickly.\u00a0 Although he knew the doctor may have wished to talk privately, he wanted to hear firsthand what was going on with Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben was getting impatient, \u201cPaul!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, Ben.\u00a0 Calm down and I\u2019ll tell you what I think.\u00a0 Mind you, it\u2019s only a guess at this point.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor the last time, Paul, I am calm.\u00a0 I just want to know what is wrong with my son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know about the seizure.\u00a0 The question is what caused it.\u00a0 I can\u2019t ignore the possibility that Joe has had a stroke.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat!\u201d Ben exclaimed incredulously.\u00a0 \u201cHe . . . he\u2019s too young.\u00a0 He . . .\u201d Stunned, Ben collapsed into his red leather chair and stared at Paul.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I hear \u2018stroke\u2019?\u201d Candy asked, almost running in with the fresh pot of coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, your observations were correct, Candy.\u00a0 There\u2019s a slight weakness on his right side.\u00a0 His left side appears to be unaffected.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy poured a cup for the doctor while asking, \u201cThis \u2018weakness\u2019 . . . he\u2019ll recover?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I believe so; in time, with therapy.\u201d\u00a0 The doctor gestured over to the brandy decanter and looked towards Ben.\u00a0 Candy understood immediately and poured another cup adding a generous shot of the liquor before handing it to Ben and then sat down on the settee.<\/p>\n

Paul went on, \u201cHe also has some difficulty speaking, but it\u2019s too soon to ascertain whether it\u2019s just fatigue or something more serious.\u00a0 I\u2019ll know more in the morning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy could see that Ben was still absorbing the shocking news so he continued asking the questions he figured Ben would want to know.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about the seizure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good question, but I\u2019m afraid I don\u2019t have a ready answer for you.\u00a0 It could possibly be from a stroke, or it could have been from the other injury.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben came to life at that, \u201cWhat other injury?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI gave Joe a thorough examination before he regained consciousness.\u201d\u00a0 Paul rose from the chair and stood in front of the fire hoping the heat would erase the chill that suddenly ran down his spine.\u00a0 \u201cBen, I have a mental catalogue of just about every injury Joe has ever suffered; I know every inch of that boy\u2019s body.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n

With a deep breath, he turned to face his friend.\u00a0 \u201cAnd tonight I saw a wound about which I know nothing.\u00a0 The most logical explanation is that it happened during the time he\u2019s been gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat kind of wound?\u201d asked Candy.<\/p>\n

Paul shook his head, \u201cI don\u2019t know what might have caused it, but there has been serious trauma to the left side of his head.\u201d\u00a0 Paul used his hands to demonstrate the track of a scar from the hairline above the left ear running towards the back of the skull.<\/p>\n

Ben nodded slowly and then something Paul had said finally sank in.\u00a0 \u201cYou said his speech was garbled.\u00a0 Is that from the stroke?\u201d he asked, alarmed.<\/p>\n

\u201cMmm.\u00a0 Well, his speech is more hesitant than garbled, so not necessarily,\u201d answered the doctor uncertainly.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAnd I said, \u2018possible stroke.\u2019\u00a0 The head injury could easily be to blame.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was now Paul\u2019s turn to pace, rubbing his lower jaw while he worked his way silently through the various causes and effects which could produce such symptoms.\u00a0 Concussion, trauma, stroke; weakness on the right side, aphasia.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAh\u2014what?\u201d both Candy and Ben asked simultaneously.<\/p>\n

\u201cAphasia,\u201d replied Paul, still lost in his own thoughts and not realizing he had spoken out loud.\u00a0 Candy and Ben glanced at each other not understanding a wit what the doctor was talking about.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry; let me explain.\u00a0 Aphasia is the impairment of language ability either in speaking or in comprehension.\u00a0 It can also involve the ability to read and write. \u00a0Let me assure you that Joe understands what is being said to him, he\u2019s just having trouble responding right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI knew a man who could only babble nonsense after a stroke.\u00a0 Is that what\u2019s happened?\u201d asked Candy, horrified.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t imagine what it would be like for Joe to live like that.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s speech is fairly clear, but hesitant\u2014as if he\u2019s struggling to find or form the words\u2014not that he doesn\u2019t know what the words should be.\u00a0 When he first awakened his responses were limited to one or two words.\u00a0 I have to warn you that may be the best we can hope for and that could prove difficult for Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u00a0 I mean, if we can understand what he\u2019s saying then what\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul frowned. \u00a0He wasn\u2019t explaining this very well.\u00a0 Then he had an idea, \u201cIf I said the word \u2018coffee\u2019 to you what would you think I meant?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was poking the fire, so Candy answered, \u201cThat you wanted coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, but perhaps I was offering you coffee.\u00a0 Or, maybe, I was trying to tell you that we were out of coffee and you needed to buy some.\u00a0 Or, maybe, just maybe, I was asking after Roy Coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnough!\u201d Ben said, putting the poker down and turning to look directly at Paul.\u00a0 \u201cWill he make a full recovery?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul looked up and met Ben\u2019s gaze head on before answering.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know, but from what I\u2019ve read in my journals, recovery could happen quickly or not at all.\u00a0 He\u2019s trying, Ben.\u00a0 That\u2019s a good sign.\u00a0 Whatever caused Joe\u2019s symptoms is irrelevant.\u00a0 It\u2019s what happens next that matters.\u00a0 And whatever tomorrow brings, Joe\u2014and you,\u201d the doctor said pointedly, \u201dwill learn to deal with it eventually.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben knew the doctor well; well enough to know there was another \u201cbut\u201d lingering unspoken on his lips.\u00a0\u00a0 Ben raised an eyebrow, unblinking; Paul returned the stare; and Candy looked back and forth between the two men, holding his breath.<\/p>\n

The only sound in the room was the ticking of the grandfather clock by the door.\u00a0 After what seemed like an eternity, Paul sighed deeply and\u2014though it broke his heart to say it\u2014continued,<\/p>\n

\u201cBut in Joe\u2019s mind, it\u2019s 1869, Hoss is alive, and he never heard of anyone named Alice.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d Candy whispered.<\/p>\n

When there was no response, Candy put his hand on Ben\u2019s arm and shook him gently \u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm, wh\u2014what?\u201d Ben came awake suddenly, his eyes immediately seeking out his son.\u00a0 No change.<\/em>\u00a0 Slowly Ben became aware of Candy\u2019s presence.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing, sir,\u201d Candy said.\u00a0 \u201cI just thought you\u2019d want to know that Jamie\u2019s here.\u00a0 He just rode in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt this hour?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe finished his exams early and thought he\u2019d be here by dinner, but the train was late.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes he know about Joe?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know how much you wanted me to tell him,\u201d Candy said, \u201cand I knew if I said anything at all wild horses couldn\u2019t keep him from bustin\u2019 in up here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sighed.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019d have preferred not to let Jamie know about Joe\u2019s return until they knew more about his condition, but it was too late now.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you going to say?\u201d Candy asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d Ben said. Then, catching the look on Candy\u2019s face, he added, \u201cyet.\u00a0 Morning is soon enough.\u00a0 Let him get some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben checked the rhythmic rise and fall of Joe\u2019s chest for a minute and then, satisfied that all was well for the time being, asked Candy to stay while he went to greet his other son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 3<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was the sound of the rain, the constant drumming at the window that awakened Joe.\u00a0 The room, smothered in grey shadows, remained blurred behind his lashes as he slid further under the covers.\u00a0 Darkness<\/em>.\u00a0 Too early to get up<\/em>.\u00a0 But it didn\u2019t feel early.\u00a0 For one thing, he was awake by himself without any assistance.<\/p>\n

A frown crossed his brow as he groped along the nightstand for the clock.<\/p>\n

Nine-thirty<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Joe forced his eyes open and stretched the length of the bed before curling under the covers as he checked out the room again.<\/p>\n

It was his all right, but why did it feel so different?<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes settled on the window across from the foot of the bed and a smile grew slowly as he remembered the morning he had shattered it with a flying boot in retaliation for Hoss throwing water on him to roust him out of bed.<\/p>\n

A clap of thunder brought Joe back to the present.\u00a0 Ah, that\u2019s it . . .<\/em> Brother Hoss has failed in his duty this morning.<\/em> \u00a0The brothers made a pact long ago that Hoss would wake Joe up so he could be on time for breakfast and Joe would roll Hoss over when he came in at night so his snoring wouldn\u2019t wake their Pa.<\/p>\n

Joe threw the covers back and in one fluid motion put both feet on the floor, rose to his feet\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0and promptly fell flat on his face.\u00a0 As he collapsed, a flash of lightning illuminated a nearly white-haired man in the mirror.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the hell?!\u201d he shouted, but the strangled sound he made was lost in the tympani of the storm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben thundered down the hallway in a matter of seconds, berating himself for having stepped out of Joe\u2019s room to wash up and change his shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d Candy asked, as he rushed into the room and saw Ben hovering over an unconscious Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe must have tried to get up and couldn\u2019t stand,\u201d Ben said, turning Joe over carefully.<\/p>\n

\u201cMmpm,\u201d Joe moaned softly.<\/p>\n

At that moment, Jamie crashed into the door frame as he skidded into the room in his stocking feet.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d he shouted, then seeing Joe on the floor, \u201cJoe?\u00a0 JOE!\u00a0 My God, it\u2019s Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMrgphmmf,\u201d Joe moaned again.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here son.\u00a0 Your Pa\u2019s right here.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to be all right.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, stroking Joe\u2019s head and then bellowed, \u201cWhere\u2019s Paul?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here,\u201d Paul said as he moved past Jamie and bent down to grab Joe\u2019s wrist.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s move him to the bed,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, don\u2019t move him yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a minute, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor began checking Joe\u2019s vital signs, including lifting his eyelids and waiving a lighted match back and forth.\u00a0 At that point, Joe reached up and batted the doctor\u2019s hand away angrily.<\/p>\n

Eventually satisfied that Joe was no worse than before, the doctor said, “Would everyone leave, please.\u00a0 Ben, that means you, too.”<\/p>\n

“But\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

“No, buts.\u00a0 Everyone out.\u00a0 Now!”\u00a0 the doctor demanded.<\/p>\n

No one moved.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease,\u201d the doctor said again, looking specifically at Ben knowing the others would follow him.\u00a0\u00a0 Reluctantly, Ben stood up but did not make a move to exit the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cCandy,\u201d the doctor implored.\u00a0 Candy looked from Joe to Ben and then nodded as he and Jamie each took an elbow and escorted Ben out of the room.<\/p>\n

Paul rose from where he was kneeling and closed the door behind them.<\/p>\n

“It’s all right, Joe.\u00a0 Everyone’s gone.\u00a0 You take your time.\u00a0 I’ll help when you’re ready to get up.”<\/p>\n

Joe was silent, but wild eyed and his breathing was labored.\u00a0 It was some minutes before it slowed enough for him to try to speak again.<\/p>\n

“Me.\u00a0 Wrong.\u00a0 What.\u00a0 Wrong.\u00a0 Me,” Joe said finally, with effort.<\/p>\n

“It’s called vertigo\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0just a five-dollar word for dizziness.\u00a0 You got up too fast.\u00a0 It will pass,” the doctor said calmly, avoiding the speech issue altogether.<\/p>\n

While he waited, the doctor poured a small amount of cold water from the washstand pitcher into the bowl and dropped a cloth in to soak.<\/p>\n

The dizziness soon began to subside and Joe’s breathing evened out.\u00a0 He sat up slowly on his own and leaned against the bedrails for a few minutes before pushing himself up onto the mattress mostly with his left leg, the doctor noted.\u00a0 Paul smiled. \u00a0Still the fighter.\u00a0 Good for you, Joe.<\/em><\/p>\n

The doctor let Joe rest a bit after his efforts and then helped him settle back against the pillows before handing him the wrung-out cloth which Joe pressed against his face and eyes.<\/p>\n

“Are you nauseous?” the doctor asked.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded, so the doctor put the basin on the bed next to Joe.\u00a0 “Just in case,” he said.<\/p>\n

The rain was still coming down and, even though it was darker than usual for this time of day, Paul partially lowered the window blind.\u00a0 \u201cBetter?” he asked.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded again.<\/p>\n

“Joe, I’m going to go downstairs for a few minutes and let your family know you are all right.\u00a0 Are you okay with me doing that?”<\/p>\n

For a few seconds Joe didn’t move, but then he removed the cloth from his face and nodded once more.<\/p>\n

The doctor tucked the covers in and patted Joe’s leg.\u00a0 “You rest and we’ll talk when I come back.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul was not surprised to see the entire family in the great room when he descended the stairs. They all turned to him and started talking simultaneously.<\/p>\n

“What happened?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n

“Was it another stroke?”\u00a0 Candy asked.<\/p>\n

“Little Joe hurt?” Hop Sing asked.<\/p>\n

Paul raised his hands as if to push them back.\u00a0 “Please, everyone. Not all at once.”\u00a0 When he got to the last step, he continued, “It was not a stroke; it was vertigo from getting up too fast.\u00a0 He is not hurt, just dizzy and nauseous, but that’s passing.”<\/p>\n

“I’m going up,” said Ben as he charged for the stairs.<\/p>\n

“No, Ben, you’re not,” Paul put out his hand to stop his friend.\u00a0 “I won’t allow anyone to see him just yet.\u00a0 He’s overwhelmed right now.\u00a0 He needs time to sort things out and I need time to assess his condition and find out just how much he understands about what has happened to him before I allow anyone to see him.\u00a0 That includes you, Ben.\u00a0 I’m sorry, but my first obligation is to my patient.”‘<\/p>\n

Paul stood firmly at the base of the stairs and looked each person squarely in the eye to make sure they understood he would brook no interference.\u00a0 One by one, they acquiesced and backed away.<\/p>\n

“I know you all care about Joe and are deeply concerned about his welfare, but charging in like a herd of elephants, grabbing at him, and fussing over him, is not helping,” Paul stated emphatically.<\/p>\n

Seeing their contriteness, he softened somewhat and added, “I understand your frustration, but you have to understand that Joe is in a very precarious state right now.\u00a0 He knows something is desperately wrong, but he doesn’t know what.\u00a0 Let me talk to him.\u00a0 When he’s able to digest the information, I’ll let you each see him, but you have to allow him time to process what’s happened.\u00a0 Do you understand?” Paul asked, again looking at each in turn.<\/p>\n

When he was satisfied that they did and that they would respect his wishes, the doctor turned and went back upstairs to his patient.<\/p>\n

The first thing he noticed when he re-entered the room was that Joe had made use of the basin.\u00a0 After giving Joe some water to rinse out his mouth, Paul picked up the offending receptacle and went to the top of the landing, calling “Hop Sing?\u00a0 Could I see you for a moment please?”\u00a0 When the family\u2019s cook arrived, he took the bowl from the doctor understanding without being told what was needed.<\/p>\n

“Make tea for Little Joe.\u00a0 Easy on stomach.\u00a0 Make better,” and hurried back down the stairs as fast as he had come.<\/p>\n

Paul returned to Joe’s side, listened to his heart and checked his eyes once again before saying, “Hop Sing will bring some of his special tea to settle your stomach.”<\/p>\n

There was no comment, but when the doctor put his fingers on his patient’s wrist to take a pulse, Joe looked up, his hazel eyes filled with questions.\u00a0 Paul let out a long, slow breath of air as he sat down on the edge of the bed, gently cradling Joe’s right hand in both of his.<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s possible you may have had a small stroke,” the doctor began.<\/p>\n

It was mid-afternoon before the doctor returned to the great room.\u00a0 The storm had worsened so there was little the men could do outside except tend the stock when it was feeding time.\u00a0 Ben was purporting to work on the books, Candy was polishing boots with a decidedly lackluster amount of enthusiasm, and Jamie was half-heartedly braiding a leather bridle.\u00a0 The remains of lunch lingered on the dining room table; it seemed even Hop Sing’s heart wasn’t in chores today.<\/p>\n

Paul nearly made it all the way to Ben’s desk before his friend looked up from his papers.\u00a0 As soon as he saw Paul, Ben started to rise.<\/p>\n

“Relax.”\u00a0 Paul motioned for him to sit and took a chair on the other side of the desk.\u00a0 “I gave him a mild sedative. He should sleep for a couple of hours.”\u00a0 Then, looking at his friend’s anxious expression, he added, “And yes . . . you can see him when he awakes.”<\/p>\n

“Doc, there’s roast beef.\u00a0 Can I fix a sandwich for you?” Jamie asked.<\/p>\n

“That would be wonderful, Jamie.\u00a0 With cheese and mustard if you can, thank you.”<\/p>\n

“How about a brandy, Doc?” added Candy handing him one already poured.<\/p>\n

“With pleasure.\u00a0\u00a0 I think Ben could use one, too,” the doctor added.\u00a0 “It’s been a rough couple of days.”<\/p>\n

Candy poured a stiff one for Ben and one for himself and then turned the other desk chair around and sat down backwards, arms crossed along the top.<\/p>\n

“How is he?” Ben asked simply.<\/p>\n

“Confused.\u00a0 Tired.\u00a0 I told him about the possible stroke.\u201d\u00a0 Paul saw Ben\u2019s eyebrow arch at that.\u00a0 \u201cI’m still not 100% convinced he had one.\u00a0 As I explained before, the head trauma alone could easily account for seizure and memory loss.”<\/p>\n

Jamie returned with a plate of sandwiches and napkins for all.\u00a0 Ben declined with a wave of his hand, but Candy and Jamie both joined the doctor.\u00a0 Between bites, Paul related the rest of his conversation with Joe about his right-side weakness which he felt could be remedied with therapy and the speech problems\u2014which although frustrating for Joe\u2014were most likely temporary.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you think so?\u201d Candy asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHis speech is already clearer, but he\u2019s still speaking only one or two words\u2014mostly nouns, verbs, no conjunctions.\u00a0 I\u2019ll know more when I get a response to that cable you sent for me yesterday, Candy, but\u00a0speaking in short groups of words, frustration at not being understood, all of which is worse when he\u2019s tired is not atypical.\u00a0 Given the rapid improvement in just the last two days, I\u2019m very optimistic about that portion of his recovery.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even Candy heard the \u201cbut\u201d this time around and Paul could see the look exchanged between him and Ben, so without further prompting, he continued, \u201cbut what concerns me now is the vertigo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you said it was just because he got up too fast,\u201d Jamie said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s possible.\u00a0 It\u2019s also possible it\u2019s a permanent condition\u2014one that will profoundly affect Joe\u2019s life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA little dizziness?\u201d Candy asked incredulously.<\/p>\n

\u201cVertigo is more than dizziness, Candy.\u00a0\u00a0It affects vision and balance.\u00a0 It can bring on nausea and vomiting which we know has already happened.\u00a0 It can impair the ability to concentrate or think straight.\u201d<\/p>\n

As they all sat silently digesting this information, Candy poured more brandy for everyone and then rose to stand at the window and watch the rain.\u00a0 Ben slouched in his chair, his cheek resting on his left fist.\u00a0 In his right hand he turned a pencil end on end, mindlessly sliding his thumb and forefinger down the wood shaft, flipping it and sliding again and again only vaguely aware of Jamie sitting on the edge of his desk just like Joe used to do.<\/p>\n

For his part, Paul was acutely aware of how troubled the family was and how uncertain the days ahead would be.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s important for you all to know that Joe\u2019s mind is fine.\u00a0 He\u2019s not impaired in any way mentally.\u00a0 And it\u2019s important that you treat him the same way you always have.\u00a0 He may have trouble expressing himself, but don\u2019t rush him.\u00a0 Let him find his own rhythm.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I don\u2019t understand is how he got hurt,\u201d Jamie said breaking the silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t know,\u201d Paul replied.\u00a0 \u201cThe last thing he remembers is visiting the Hanovers.\u00a0 He was looking forward to telling you that Suzi was with child.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t recollect the return trip.\u00a0 He just remembers riding into the yard yesterday and then waking up on the floor of his room this morning with everyone grabbing at him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc, we looked everywhere for him,\u201d Candy said without turning from the window.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright and I both made numerous trips to Arizona.\u00a0 The sheriff sent wires to every town between here and Mexico and from there to the ocean and east to Texas.\u00a0 It’s as if he just dropped off the face of the earth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he was somewhere, that\u2019s for sure,\u201d Ben got up from his chair and paced.\u00a0 \u201cHe could have been wandering for months; disoriented; incoherent.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so, Ben,\u201d Paul said.\u00a0 \u201cThe loss of muscle tone indicates a prolonged convalescence, though he may not have had access to any formal medical care.\u00a0 The scar on his head is jagged\u2014no stitches or rudimentary ones at best.\u00a0 Then something happened. Something that cleared his mind enough for him to head home without any idea so much time has elapsed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben stopped pacing and abruptly sat down.\u00a0 He leaned over the desk with his head in his hands, feeling unbelievably weary.\u00a0 \u201cGod help us,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, he’s scared.\u00a0 I’m sure he doubts his sanity.\u00a0 He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him; why he can’t remember;\u00a0why he can’t stand up without retching; why he struggles to find the words he wants.\u00a0\u00a0 He needs time. Time to settle down. Time to come to grips with everything.\u00a0 All I’m asking is that you give him a chance to get his bearings and that you don’t bombard him with questions he can’t answer.\u00a0\u00a0 Let him ask the questions.\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t lie to him, but don’t volunteer information he hasn’t asked for.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul knew the next request was going to be the hardest to make.\u00a0 \u201cJamie, I\u2019d like you to stay away from Joe for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie looked at his Pa, and then to the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019ve changed the most of anyone in the family.\u00a0 You\u2019ve grown half a foot and filled out.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to have a difficult time adjusting as it is without being reminded of the gap in his memory.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t remember me?\u201d Jamie asked, his voice breaking.<\/p>\n

Ben sat up straight and shifted his gaze from Paul to Jamie and then back again.\u00a0 \u201cPaul?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe does, Jamie.\u00a0 He remembers you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0as Jamie Hunter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not as his brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie stood and stared at the doctor, stunned by this admission.\u00a0 \u201cThen he doesn\u2019t know about Hoss\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0or Alice, does he?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul paused and slowly shook his head.\u00a0 When Jamie looked at Candy, he got the same slight shake of the head.\u00a0 Finally, Jamie turned to his Pa, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019m not blood,\u201d Jamie shouted and stormed out, pushing past Hop Sing who was listening quietly in the shadows.<\/p>\n

Ben started to rise from his chair to go after Jamie, but Candy placed a hand on his shoulder and said quietly, \u201cLet me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t Paul.\u00a0 It\u2019s not your fault.\u00a0 I should have told him last night.\u00a0 I just kept hoping that things would be different in the light of day; that Joe\u2019s coming home to us at last would end the nightmare we\u2019ve been living.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two friends were silent for some time before the doctor said simply, \u201cYou never believed he was dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd yet you placed a memorial up at the lake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI needed some . . . something to touch,\u201d Ben choked.\u00a0 \u201cIt seemed right to have a remembrance of him near Marie and\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0and Hoss.\u00a0 To think of him here on the Ponderosa and not God knows where.\u201d\u00a0 Ben sagged in the chair and shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cWhere, Paul?\u00a0 Where has my boy been?\u00a0 What happened to him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul watched his friend come as near to a breakdown for the second time in two days as he had seen since Hoss\u2019s passing.\u00a0 He knew he had to say something to keep Ben going; to keep the whole family going.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, Ben,\u201d he said, finally.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know that Joe will ever be able to tell us what happened.\u00a0 He\u2019s been physically gone nearly two years, but the memory loss covers a greater period than that.\u00a0 He needs you, Ben.\u00a0 He needs you to show him the way home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 4<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy saw the barn door close as soon as he left the house.\u00a0 Crossing the front yard carefully to avoid the huge puddles, he stepped into the dimly lit interior of the stable without bothering to hide his entrance.\u00a0 Jamie ignored him, intent instead on measuring out feed for the horses so Candy settled on a nearby bale of hay and waited patiently while Jamie tended the stock.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve taken real good care of that horse,\u201d Candy said, gesturing toward Cochise.\u00a0 \u201cJoe will be grateful.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie didn\u2019t reply and kept on working.<\/p>\n

“Doc didn’t mean anything by it.”<\/p>\n

“By what?”<\/p>\n

“By asking you not to see Joe.\u00a0 He was just saying what he thought best.”<\/p>\n

“I know.”\u00a0 Jamie sat down on the bale of hay next to Candy.\u00a0 “Pa told me that Adam, Hoss, and Joe were born to him, but that he chose me and that made me special.”<\/p>\n

“But you don’t always feel special.”<\/p>\n

“Not always\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0not even after what Joe told me before, you know, he disappeared.”<\/p>\n

“What did he say?”<\/p>\n

“That it takes more than blood to make a brother.”<\/p>\n

Candy smiled at that and put his arm around Jamie\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

“They didn’t adopt me, Jamie, but I feel closer to this family than I ever did to my own family.\u00a0 Before the Cartwrights I didn’t belong anywhere.\u00a0 They made me a part of their family\u2014blood or not.\u00a0 Joe’s the closest friend I’ve ever had\u2014as much a brother to me as Hoss and Adam were to him.\u00a0 Maybe more.\u00a0 Like Joe said, ‘it takes more than blood to make a brother.’\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie shrugged but didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you believe him?” Candy asked.<\/p>\n

“No.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I don’t know.” He looked up at Candy questioningly, “I want to, but\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/p>\n

“But then something like this happens and you feel left out.”<\/p>\n

“I guess.”<\/p>\n

“Me, too.”<\/p>\n

“Really?”<\/p>\n

“Really.\u00a0 The funny thing is, I think Hoss and Adam felt that way, too, sometimes.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean?” Jamie asked.<\/p>\n

“Hoss told me that he and Adam\u2014both of them\u2014had a good relationship with their Pa, but that they knew there was a deeper connection between their Pa and Joe, one that defied explanation.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s why he never believed Joe was dead.”<\/p>\n

Candy stood up and moved over to the water barrel.\u00a0 Taking a ladle off a nearby hook, he lifted the lid for a cool drink.<\/p>\n

“For what it’s worth, I think he’s wrong,\u201d Candy said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.<\/p>\n

“Who’s wrong?”<\/p>\n

“The Doc.\u00a0 I think you’re just who Joe needs to see, so he can understand what’s happened.\u00a0 The sooner he does that, the sooner he’ll get on with it.”<\/p>\n

“You think so?”<\/p>\n

“Joe’s a survivor.\u00a0 He’s overcome more tragedies than anyone I’ve ever known.\u00a0 Your Pa?\u00a0 Well .\u00a0.\u00a0. he tends to overprotect him.\u00a0 Maybe he has his reasons, but I know Hoss\u2014and probably Adam, too\u2014wouldn’t hesitate to tell Joe what’s what and kick his sorry butt clear to China and back if they thought it\u2019s what he needed.”<\/p>\n

“Guess that’s our job now, huh?\u00a0 You and me?” Jamie smiled at Candy.<\/p>\n

Candy grinned back, “to knock some sense into that pigheaded\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

“\u2014stubborn\u2014”<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014ornery son of a gun!\u201d finished Candy.<\/p>\n

“Yeah,” said Jamie more brightly.<\/p>\n

“Here’s to you, me, and Joe,” Candy proposed, raising the ladle once again.<\/p>\n

“Yeah!”<\/p>\n

“To brotherhood!”<\/p>\n

“To brotherhood!” echoed Jamie, accepting the ladle and the toast.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben entered his son’s room quietly and stood at the foot of the bed, watching him sleep.\u00a0 In repose, the lines of anxiety and tension etched so deeply that morning had diminished.\u00a0 Although the shadows under Joe’s eyes signaled a lingering fatigue, Ben was nonetheless pleased to see that Paul had been correct and the enforced solitude had yielded the hoped-for results.\u00a0 Joe’s breathing was steady and his body had relaxed into its usual sprawl.<\/p>\n

Ben repositioned a bare foot under the light summer coverlet and then smiled when Joe immediately shifted position and stuck it out again.\u00a0 Even in the sub-zero dead of winter, buried under six quilts, blankets and occasionally a fur lap robe, Joe would sleep with one foot extended.\u00a0 Some things never change.<\/em><\/p>\n

But so much had changed over the last two years.\u00a0 Even in sleep Joe couldn\u2019t tolerate his foot being moved.\u00a0 What will he do when he discovers his world has been moved?<\/em><\/p>\n

He thought he understood why Paul had said Jamie should be kept away for a few days, but when Jamie posited that it was because he wasn\u2019t \u201cblood,\u201d Ben\u2019s heart broke.\u00a0 He, Hoss and Joe\u2014even Hop Sing\u2014had all done their best to erase Jamie\u2019s doubt about adoption and becoming a part of the family.<\/p>\n

Is this what it meant to be a Cartwright?\u00a0 Not enjoyment of hard-earned wealth or position, but suffering relentless pain and hurt, not only from illness, wounds, and broken bones, but from the unbearable heartache of loss?\u00a0 To hurt one son to save another pain?\u00a0 To watch Joe relive the agony of losing Hoss? To see him grieve anew the death of Alice and their unborn child?<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben shook his head and moved quietly to the window, pealing the blind gently away from the casement so as not to disturb his son.\u00a0 The waning moon rising over the pines cast barely enough light to illuminate the yard.\u00a0 In the softly blurred shadows, Ben saw the barn cat lapping water from the last of the rain puddles.\u00a0 A low hum of voices coming from the bunkhouse was punctuated by the occasional sound of laughter or murmured expletive, but the sounds were friendly, not hostile.\u00a0 The volume increased briefly as a door opened and a shaft of light silhouetted a lone figure before he drew the door shut behind him as he exited.\u00a0 Ben recognized Griff as he stretched lazily and then ambled around the building on his way to the outhouse no doubt.<\/p>\n

Griff.<\/em>\u00a0 Before the Yuma trip, he and Joe had had a tenuous relationship at best.\u00a0 How to explain that Griff was now in charge of the horse operation that used to be Joe\u2019s responsibility?\u00a0\u00a0 He would have to send Griff along with Candy tomorrow when the cattle were moved to the high country.\u00a0 It would be hard enough for Joe to hear about the horses without being constantly reminded of the fact every time he saw him.<\/p>\n

Candy<\/em>.\u00a0 Ben couldn\u2019t have asked for a better man to be Joe\u2019s best friend and he saw tonight that Candy was a friend to Jamie as well.\u00a0 In many ways, Candy was a composite of his older sons; capable of engaging in unending battles of wit, pranks, and ribald humor and also serve as a steadying influence, confidante, and sounding board when needed.\u00a0 It was Candy in whom Joe had placed his trust after Hoss had died and it was Candy who kept Joe together after they discovered Alice was murdered.<\/p>\n

Billy<\/em>.\u00a0 Billy the Kid, Joe had dubbed him when he fished him\u2014quite literally\u2014out of a bog and mended not only his broken body, but his spirit as well. The boy had been desolate when Joe disappeared and Ben hadn\u2019t had the heart to send him on his way.\u00a0 He would have to find some work to keep him busy and away from the house because he had also grown a foot in the last two years.<\/p>\n

Paul said it was his responsibility to help Joe find his way home.\u00a0 Ben didn’t know how, but he would have to keep everyone at bay until he could give Joe time to adjust.<\/p>\n

Exhausted, Ben turned from the window and willed his legs to carry him down the hall to his room.\u00a0 Before he could surrender to the sweet embrace of his feather bed, however, he had one more stop to make.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJamie,\u201d Ben said quietly.\u00a0 \u201cJamie, I know you\u2019re awake.\u00a0 Please look at me, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was no response.<\/p>\n

\u201cJamie.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie might as well have faced his Pa the second his name was called, for as he had learned by now there was no escaping The Voice.\u00a0 Reluctantly, the young man sat up in bed but he clasped his arms across his chest and wouldn\u2019t look at his father.<\/p>\n

Ben smiled inwardly when he saw the lower lip stuck out.\u00a0 Blood or not, if only he realized how like Joe he was.<\/em><\/p>\n

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Ben put a finger under Jamie\u2019s chin and raised it so he could look into his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI owe you an apology, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie\u2019s eyes widened a bit, but he didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should have told you about Joe the night you came home.\u00a0\u00a0 It was just .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I was overwhelmed.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to think, much less what to tell you, but it was wrong of me to keep that information from you.\u00a0 We are family.\u00a0 You deserved to know what was happening,\u201d Ben concluded contritely.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is happening, Pa?\u00a0 Where has Joe been?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t he remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know as much as I do, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don’t understand, Pa.\u00a0 If he remembers going to Yuma, why doesn’t he remember Alice?\u00a0 He went down there after she died.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat’s the point, Jamie,\u201d Ben said patiently.\u00a0 \u201cPaul feels the injury may have affected more of Joe\u2019s memory than we think.\u00a0 What Joe remembers is another visit to see Suzi and Garrett after they were married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut that was a long time ago!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u00a0 He thinks Garrett is still alive and Suzi has just found out she is going to have a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie frowned, chewing on his lip.\u00a0 Hearing this information for the second time didn\u2019t make it any easier to comprehend.<\/p>\n

Really, really like Joe, <\/em>Ben thought again.<\/em>\u00a0 \u201cIs there anything else you want to ask me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did he get hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don’t know.\u00a0 We may never know, but the injury was severe and debilitating.\u00a0 We just have to trust in the Lord.\u00a0 Say a prayer for your brother before you go to sleep, Jamie, and then get some rest.\u00a0\u00a0 We could all use a good night\u2019s sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next day Ben implemented his plan.<\/p>\n

He strongly suggested Jamie help out in Dr. Martin\u2019s clinic, taking advantage of the doctor\u2019s tutelage to bolster his science scores on the college entrance exams next month.\u00a0 Ben had maintained his academic contacts after Adam finished college, but Jamie would have to do well on the placement exams if he expected to study veterinary medicine at Cornell.<\/p>\n

Candy was dispatched to move the herd to the high country\u2014a bit earlier in the spring than usual, but Candy hadn\u2019t objected . . . much.\u00a0 Griff, on the other hand, protested loudly at being told to go along, stating that he had better things to do and was needed up at North Ranch to oversee the breaking of the new string of horses for the Army and not only that, he had spotted some wild mustangs near Truckee Meadows that he thought Billy should look at and so would need to take him along. When Ben argued that Billy was needed at the house to help Hop Sing with chores, Hop Sing started sputtering in Cantonese about \u201cnot needing help\u201d and that idea being \u201cvelly, velly bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine!\u00a0 Do it your way!\u201d Ben yelled, adding he was too tired to argue and ordered everyone out of the house and away from his sight.\u00a0 As he shut the door loudly behind them, he smiled smugly. I didn\u2019t raise three world-class conniving boys without knowing a thing or two about how to get what I want! <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 5<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy knew it was a risk, but he had to take it anyway.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright\u2019s decision to move the herd so early threw a monkey wrench into his own plans but he knew he couldn\u2019t openly defy the Boss.\u00a0 He moved the herd as instructed but as soon as they were within a day\u2019s ride of the high pasture he turned the ramrod responsibilities over to Hank and high-tailed it back to Virginia City to collect Jamie.<\/p>\n

\u201cCandy, what if we\u2019re wrong?\u201d Jamie asked.\u00a0 There was worry in his voice, not just curiosity.\u00a0 \u201cDr. Martin was really adamant about not giving Joe any more information than he asked for.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrust me, this is the right thing to do for Joe,\u201d assured Candy.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what if he has another seizure?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I don\u2019t for sure, but we have to take that chance.\u201d\u00a0 Candy reached over and took hold of Jamie\u2019s reins, forcing him to pull up. \u00a0\u201cLook, Your Pa is going to keep Joe wrapped in gauze like a mummy until all the fight goes out of him.\u00a0 I bet Joe\u2019s already suffocating in that room upstairs.\u00a0 We gotta get him riled up a bit and this is the only way to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI g-guess.\u201d Jamie still sounded unsure.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you deliver the message?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, she\u2019ll meet me at the crossing at noon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood.\u00a0Take the buckboard; Joe might need it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2019s gonna be really mad we went against doctor\u2019s orders,\u201d Jamie said, shaking his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m going to be the one to do it, and I\u2019ll be the one to do the talking.\u00a0 If your Pa is going to be mad at anyone, let it be me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Candy.\u00a0 We\u2019re in this together, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood,\u201d Candy grinned. \u201cNow, let\u2019s go resurrect your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

And with that the two men kicked their horses into a gallop and headed for their respective destinations eager to begin their mission.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The last two weeks had not gone well by any stretch of the imagination.<\/p>\n

Ben had hoped with everyone except Hop Sing out of the house that he would be able to slowly introduce Joe to his new world\u2014picking and choosing the moments of revelation and thereby cushioning the blows.<\/p>\n

He should have known better.<\/p>\n

Although Joe\u2019s color improved and he stayed awake for longer periods of time, his speech was still punctuated by long pauses as he struggled to find the words he wanted.\u00a0 The one word Joe said clearly without effort was, \u201cNo!\u201d<\/p>\n

Was he hungry?\u00a0 No!<\/p>\n

Did he want a bath?\u00a0 No!<\/p>\n

How about something to drink?\u00a0 No!<\/p>\n

His son was stubborn, cantankerous, and defiant and in many respects reminded Ben of a petulant two-year-old.<\/p>\n

At first Joe had definite ideas about his recovery regimen which included ignoring every piece of medical advice offered.\u00a0 He spent his days doing exercises to strengthen his right side, most of them of his own invention given his limited resources in the space available to him.\u00a0 However, it became apparent with each passing day that the vertigo was not subsiding.\u00a0 Neither was it predictable.<\/p>\n

Only Hop Sing was able to reach middle ground and convince Joe to take\u2014if not the medicine that had been prescribed\u2014at least the teas he brewed, some of which smelled foul but lessened the nausea and vomiting enabling Joe to move around his room without too much trouble.\u00a0 The stairs were another matter, however.<\/p>\n

In the past, Hoss would have carried a convalescing Joe up and down, allowing his little brother the luxury of a change of scenery even if that scenery was only the great room.\u00a0 Ben no longer possessed the strength or agility to carry even an underweight Joe up and down, but\u2014with Hop Sing\u2019s help and taking one step at a time, they were eventually able to get him settled in the downstairs bedroom where it was easier for Joe to get to the dining table for meals or outside occasionally.\u00a0 But every time he attempted to visit the stables or tackle the simplest of chores, the vertigo returned with a vengeance.\u00a0 He fell down repeatedly, suffering bruises but no broken bones\u2014yet.<\/p>\n

If Joe wondered why Hoss wasn\u2019t there to help him, he didn\u2019t ask.<\/p>\n

If he was disturbed by his grey-haired reflection when shaving, he didn\u2019t mention it.<\/p>\n

Gradually, he stopped saying \u201cNo\u201d; then he stopped talking altogether.\u00a0 He stopped exercising and ate only because Ben threatened to hog tie and force feed him if he didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Eventually Joe returned to his bedroom upstairs where he remained sullen, silent, and secluded.\u00a0 Any illusion of using this time to apprise Joe of the many changes that had been made in his absence fizzled like spit on a griddle.<\/p>\n

Ben rued his brilliant plan.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The window was cracked just enough for Candy to get his fingers underneath\u00a0the sash and raise it.\u00a0 He put one leg\u00a0over the sill\u00a0and ducked through, careful to avoid hitting his head.<\/p>\n

Coming in from the bright\u00a0June morning, it took a minute for his eyes to adjust to the darkened room.\u00a0 As he paused, he heard voices rise and fall from downstairs sounding as though\u00a0an argument of some sort was in full swing.\u00a0\u00a0Good, let those ranchers\u00a0go at it full tilt.\u00a0The more noise they make, the less\u00a0Mr. Cartwright will\u00a0hear<\/em>.\u00a0 Nevertheless, Candy tiptoed\u00a0across the room and pulled the bedroom door\u00a0shut lest Joe startle when awakened.<\/p>\n

“Joe,” Candy called in a stage whisper from the door.\u00a0 “Joe, wake up.”\u00a0 He thought it odd that Joe was still asleep this late in the morning.\u00a0 Joe was lying on his right side in\u00a0his stocking feet\u00a0with pants on, but no shirt.<\/p>\n

As Candy neared the bed, he could see bruises on\u00a0along the ribcage\u00a0and upper arm which weren’t there before.\u00a0 What the devil<\/em>?\u00a0 Just as Candy was about to shake him, Joe rolled away, so Candy said again, insistently\u00a0“Joe.”<\/p>\n

This time Joe’s eyes opened immediately\u00a0but he had to blink several times to focus.<\/p>\n

“C-candy?”<\/p>\n

“Yeah.\u00a0 Come on, get up,” Candy said, rummaging through Joe’s dresser to find a clean shirt.\u00a0 “Here put this on.”<\/p>\n

“Whaa\u2014?”<\/p>\n

“I’m bustin’ you outta here.”<\/p>\n

“Pa,” Joe said uncertainly, looking at the door.<\/p>\n

“What he don’t know won’t kill me . . . but we gotta hurry.”<\/p>\n

“No.”<\/p>\n

“Why not?<\/p>\n

“Dizzy.”<\/p>\n

“Are you dizzy right now?”<\/p>\n

“N-no.\u00a0\u00a0 Will be.”<\/p>\n

“Well, you’re not right now so let’s get going and worry about ‘dizzy’ later, okay?”<\/p>\n

Joe was skeptical but he swung his legs over the bed and picked up his shirt.\u00a0 Candy noticed the pinched expression as Joe fumbled with the buttons, but he kept silent.\u00a0\u00a0 His boots finally pulled on, Joe stood up and braced himself against the bed for a moment before moving toward for the door.<\/p>\n

“Not the door.\u00a0 This way,” Candy said and held the lace curtain back from the window.\u00a0 Joe looked at him horrified.<\/p>\n

“Come on, you can do it.\u00a0 You’ve done it\u2014what?\u2014a hundred times?\u2014a thousand?\u00a0 Piece of cake.”<\/p>\n

“Fall,” Joe croaked, growing wide-eyed at the mere idea.<\/p>\n

“No, you won’t,” Candy replied, reaching out the window onto the roof where he had left a rope.\u00a0 “See,” he said, holding it up.\u00a0 “I won’t let you fall, buddy.\u00a0 Ya gotta trust me here.”<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head and took a step back towards the bed, but Candy grabbed his elbow and drew him toward the window.<\/p>\n

“This can’t wait, Joe.\u00a0 There’s some things you need to know about\u2014things I’ve got to show you.\u00a0 Besides, there’s someone down there\u00a0who wants to see you.”\u00a0 Candy jerked his head toward the window and drew back the curtain so Joe could see out.\u00a0 It took a few seconds for Joe to spot the black and white\u00a0horse through the pines.<\/p>\n

“Mmm,” Joe\u00a0grunted and nodded his head once,\u00a0the desire to see and be with his beloved\u00a0pinto overcoming any reservation. \u00a0Candy tied\u00a0one end of the rope around Joe’s waist and secured the other to the leg of the bed then he helped Joe out\u00a0over the windowsill and on to the porch roof before slipping out the window himself.<\/p>\n

Joe waited for Candy to go ahead of him, but Candy said, “You go first.”<\/p>\n

“Why?”<\/p>\n

“Because I don’t wanna be crushed when you fall.”<\/p>\n

A look of panic crossed Joe’s face before he saw\u00a0Candy’s grin and relaxed.\u00a0 Being treated\u00a0like a normal person\u00a0rather than\u00a0an invalid was far\u00a0more agreeable, he decided, than the way his father had been babying him and a short laugh escaped his lips.\u00a0Candy, I\u2019ve missed you!<\/em><\/p>\n

Taking a deep breath, he\u00a0moved silently\u00a0across the porch roof and over the side using his left arm on the rope to slow his\u00a0descent to the ground rather than jumping as he usually did.\u00a0\u00a0Candy followed swiftly.\u00a0 The Cattlemen\u2019s Association board meetings usually lasted several hours.\u00a0 With any luck they’d be back before the meeting was over and the Boss wouldn’t be the wiser.\u00a0\u00a0Nevertheless, Candy\u00a0tucked the rope in\u00a0place behind a rain gutter away from prying eyes.<\/p>\n

Joe was waiting with his arms around Cochise.\u00a0Although a little shaky at the exertion, so far he wasn’t experiencing any dizziness or nausea.<\/p>\n

“You all right?”<\/p>\n

“Yeah,” Joe said.\u00a0 He managed to\u00a0put his left leg into the stirrup, but he needed Candy to help him into the saddle.<\/p>\n

“Nothing faster than a walk, Joe.\u00a0 Do you hear me?”<\/p>\n

“Yeah.”<\/p>\n

“And you hold on.”<\/p>\n

“Not six.”<\/p>\n

“No, but despite your long hair, you’re not Samson either.\u00a0 We\u2019ll stop if you need to so don’t be a hero, you got it?”<\/p>\n

“Got it.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It took longer than Candy figured to reach the small cabin Joe had once renovated for Laura White, his bride-to-be-but-never-was.\u00a0 The carriage and buckboard were already there, although its occupants were inside.\u00a0 Joe had recognized where they were headed almost instantly, but he couldn’t figure out why.<\/p>\n

“I thought you’d be comfortable here; you know, in case you got to feelin’ poorly and needed to rest,” Candy answered unbidden when he saw the puzzled look on Joe\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 He was beginning to feel a little queasy but he hated to admit it.\u00a0 Nevertheless, Candy seemed to know and helped him dismount, supporting him until he felt strong enough to walk the few paces to the back of the buckboard and sit down.\u00a0 As Candy steadied him he noticed Joe\u2019s mouth was starting to salivate.\u00a0 Uh oh.<\/em>\u00a0 A sure sign he\u2019s going to heave.<\/em><\/p>\n

Before that happened Candy\u00a0shoved a canteen at him.\u00a0 Joe was expecting water and was surprised when he uncorked the vessel and smelled Hop Sing’s special tea.\u00a0 It wasn’t the most savory\u00a0drink in the world, but it did seem to have magical properties that quieted\u00a0his churning\u00a0stomach and stayed the nausea.\u00a0 He pulled a long\u00a0swallow and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.<\/p>\n

\u201cBetter?\u201d Candy asked.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t dare open his mouth so he nodded.\u00a0 When he looked up, he saw a red-haired man step off the porch and slowly approach the wagon.<\/p>\n

From a distance, Joe thought the man looked a little like Jamie and wondered if he were some long-lost relative come to claim him.\u00a0\u00a0Is this what Candy felt was so urgent?\u00a0 Pa needs help convincing this stranger that Jamie belongs on the Ponderosa with us, is that it?<\/em><\/p>\n

When Candy didn’t make any move to introduce them, he searched the man’s features again noting the familiar gait, the wide-set eyes, freckles, and weirdly kinky hair.<\/p>\n

“Hello, Joe,” the man said.<\/p>\n

“W-who?<\/p>\n

“Don’t you recognize me?”<\/p>\n

“Jamie?” Joe whispered then shook his head from side-to-side.\u00a0 “No.\u00a0 No!\u00a0 NO!”\u00a0he said with each syllable becoming louder and more vehement.<\/p>\n

Concerned\u00a0about Joe’s agitated state, Candy motioned Jamie to step back a bit and then sat on the back of buckboard next to Joe, putting\u00a0an arm around his shoulders to calm him.\u00a0 Joe tried to shrug him off, but Candy only\u00a0tightened his grip.<\/p>\n

“It’s\u00a0all right, Joe.\u00a0 It’s all right,” Candy said soothingly.\u00a0“I tried to tell you the night you returned, remember?”\u00a0\u00a0 Joe didn’t respond or take his eyes off Jamie, but he stopped struggling.\u00a0 “You’ve been gone two years.\u00a0 This is Jamie; he grew up while you were gone.”<\/p>\n

No, this can’t be right.\u00a0 Jamie is just a kid.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“No!\u00a0 One . . . two.”<\/p>\n

“One, two, what, Joe?”<\/p>\n

“M-months.\u00a0 Gone two months.”<\/p>\n

This was proving harder than Candy thought it would be.\u00a0 With a jerk of his head, he signaled Jamie to go and retrieve their ultimate weapon in the fight for Joe\u2019s acceptance of the situation.<\/p>\n

Joe pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes and shuddered.<\/p>\n

“Dizzy?” asked Candy to no response.\u00a0 “More tea?”\u00a0 Again, no response.<\/p>\n

“Hello, Joe.”<\/p>\n

The female voice with a slight Scottish lilt caught Joe’s attention immediately.\u00a0 He lowered his hands and looked straight into the eyes of Suzi Hanover, the woman he had been visiting not more than a few weeks ago.<\/p>\n

“Suzi,” Joe cried and reached out to take her in his arms holding on for all he was worth.\u00a0 Suzi instinctively knew what he needed and clutched him tightly repeating over and over,<\/p>\n

“It’s all right, Joe.\u00a0 Everything is all right.\u00a0 I’m here now. \u00a0Shhhhh.\u00a0 It\u2019s all right. \u00a0It’s all right.”<\/p>\n

“Tell.\u00a0 Tell them,” he demanded.<\/p>\n

“I can’t, Joe.”<\/p>\n

“Why?”<\/p>\n

She took his face in her hands and gazed into those magnificent hazel green eyes that reminded her of the Scottish moors.\u00a0 “Because it’s true.\u00a0 It’s been two years since I’ve seen\u00a0you,” said Suzi with tears in her eyes.\u00a0 “And I can prove it.”<\/p>\n

Jamie had quietly returned to the wagon with a two-year-old in tow.\u00a0 Suzi reached down to pick up the boy who clung to her neck while eyeing the stranger with interest.<\/p>\n

“This is my son\u2014and your\u00a0godson\u2014Joseph Garrett Hanover.\u00a0 We call him “Little Joe.”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was evening before they were through talking\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0at least as much talking as Candy felt Joe could handle.<\/p>\n

The trio had agreed beforehand that they would fill Joe in on significant events from the missing years before he disappeared with the exception of anything to do with Hoss or Alice.\u00a0 What happened after his disappearance they\u2019d leave for another day.\u00a0 So among other things Jamie told about the circumstances surrounding his adoption; Suzi shared the highlights of Joe\u2019s visits to Arizona and Little Joe\u2019s birth; they even covered the nitro explosion and Joe\u2019s temporary blindness.<\/p>\n

Throughout it all, Joe sat in the rocker by the fireplace.\u00a0 Though he didn\u2019t overtly react to the information imparted or ask more than perfunctory questions, he watched carefully as each person spoke.\u00a0 As Jamie and Suzi alternated storytelling duties, Candy monitored Joe\u2019s reactions becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the intensity of Joe\u2019s gaze, the sweat on his brow, and the rapidity of his breathing.<\/p>\n

Jamie, too, became acutely aware of Joe\u2019s demeanor, noting the way his white knuckles gripped the arms of the chair as Suzi began another tale.\u00a0\u00a0 Suddenly, Joe bolted for the open door but caught his shirt on a loose nail in the jamb.\u00a0 Before he could unhook it, his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed, the cloth ripping the only sound in the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas this happened before?\u201d Suzi asked, placing a wet cloth on Joe\u2019s forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Candy admitted.\u00a0 We\u2019ve not been around him for the last couple weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t have a fever and his pulse is steady, but fast.\u00a0 We\u2019d better get him back to the Ponderosa and fetch the doctor,\u201d Suzi said, calmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cJamie, you take Suzi and the boy back to town and I\u2019ll take Joe home and face your Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re in this together, Candy, remember\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0\u2018to brotherhood.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well I had thought we could get back before that meeting was over.\u00a0 Your Pa must have discovered Joe was missing hours ago and will be frantic by now.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t sign up for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie stood taller and stuck his chin out.\u00a0 \u201cI can stand up to my Pa.\u00a0 Joe would, if necessary.\u00a0 I can do this, Candy.\u00a0 Let me ride ahead and tell him what happened and then…\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m coming, too,\u201d said Suzi.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m as much a part of this as you are and I\u2019ll take my share of the responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right.\u00a0 If we\u2019re going to do this, then let\u2019s do it together.\u00a0 Jamie, you take Joe and Suzi in the carriage; I\u2019ll bring the buckboard and the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can drive the carriage, Candy; I\u2019m not helpless, you know,\u201d said Suzi.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, there\u2019s not enough room for three adults and my son.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe needs to lie down.\u00a0 You and Jamie take him in the buckboard and I\u2019ll follow with Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartlight,\u201d Hop Sing shook Ben\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartlight, you wake up now.\u00a0 Horses come.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhaa?\u201d Ben bolted from his chair when it registered what the Chinese cook was saying. He was outside in a flash just as the buckboard pulled into the yard.<\/p>\n

\u201cWHERE\u2019S JOSEPH?!\u201d Ben yelled, beside himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s right here, Pa,\u201d Jamie said, jumping out of the back of the wagon.<\/p>\n

Joe managed to sit up and wave at his father before doubling up and vomiting.\u00a0 When the retching wouldn\u2019t stop, Ben started yelling for Hop Sing while Candy and Jamie were both talking at once trying to explain what had happened.<\/p>\n

Amidst all the activity, Suzi arrived in the carriage and Little Joe, frightened out of a deep sleep by all the yelling, began wailing.<\/p>\n

Oh, Lord Almighty!!\u00a0 What now?! \u00a0<\/em>was all Ben could think.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaul?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Ben, despite your concerns, he\u2019s not suffered a relapse.\u00a0 He\u2019s exhausted, of course, and likely will sleep until morning, but I can\u2019t see he\u2019s any worse off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he was so sick; he couldn\u2019t stand up; he couldn\u2019t focus; he\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Ben, but as disturbing as that is, it is \u2018normal\u2019 for him right now.\u201d\u00a0 The doctor sat down in the blue chair before continuing.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe good news is that he went almost the entire day without an attack, even with all the physical activity.\u00a0 Candy, again you astound me with your powers of observation. You should have been a diagnostician,\u201d the doctor said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d said Candy and Jamie together.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour comment about Joe watching people as they spoke and that he didn\u2019t seem to hear you sometimes was astute.\u00a0 I would bet there is some residual hearing loss from the injury.\u00a0 How permanent that might be only time will tell.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the doctor was speaking, Hop Sing placed the coffee service on the table in front of the fireplace.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing, you\u2019d better keep some of that tea brewed and ready.\u00a0 If it helps Joe as much as you all say, he\u2019s likely to need it when he wakes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Hop Sing, would you mind if I heated some milk for Little Joe?\u201d asked Suzi.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s rather anxious and I think it might help him sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing fix, you rest.\u00a0 Everybody rest.\u00a0 Too much foolishment for one night.\u00a0 Hmmph!\u201d he said as he padded off to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen, I know you\u2019re angry with Candy for the way the events of today came about, but after what you told me about the last couple weeks, this may have been a blessing in disguise,\u201d said the doctor.<\/p>\n

Candy and Jamie looked at one another, perplexed, and Ben looked a bit chagrined.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou might as well know,\u201d Ben admitted.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t handle things well with Joe while you were gone.\u00a0 I thought I could ease him into all the changes that have happened, but all I did was send him into a deep depression.\u00a0 As much as I hate to admit it, if you hadn\u2019t come home today Candy, I don\u2019t know what I would have done.\u00a0 So, as furious as I still am,\u201d Ben shook his finger at Candy, \u201cI am grateful as well,\u201d he finished, extending his arm.<\/p>\n

Candy was speechless but slowly shook Ben\u2019s offered hand.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 Joe means\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0you all mean\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0more than I\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I just wanted to help.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe both did, Pa,\u201d said Jamie.\u00a0 \u201cCandy and I talked about what it means to be a brother and what Adam and Hoss would have done to help Joe and it just seemed that\u2019s what we had to do, you know, since they\u2019re not\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0since we\u2019re all\u00a0that\u2019s left.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I had a hand in this, too, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d said Suzi.\u00a0 \u201cI owe Joe everything and I only wanted to help him face the truth.\u00a0 When Jamie asked me to come, I didn\u2019t think twice.\u00a0 Aside from my son, Joe\u2019s the only family I have.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s selfish, but I couldn\u2019t bear to think of him not remembering Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems you all gave my son a lot more credit than I did.\u00a0 I know we still have a long way to go and Joe still has to face the reality of Hoss and Alice, and how things have changed around here, but\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, everyone,\u201d interrupted the doctor, \u201cI think it\u2019s time for me to head back to town and for you all to get a good night\u2019s sleep.\u00a0 Ben, if I might suggest\u2014and I know you don\u2019t think too much of my suggestions of late\u2014but I\u2019d wait a bit.\u00a0 He\u2019s pretty angry right now about a lot of things.\u00a0 I know you have to weigh the consequences of how much more you\u2019re going to tell him and when, but I\u2019d give him a chance to make some sense of what he\u2019s heard today before you decide what to do next.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Paul,\u201d said Ben as he walked the doctor to the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d better be going, too,\u201d said Suzi.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll do no such thing young lady.\u00a0 It\u2019s much too long of a drive into Virginia City for you and that little boy after the day you\u2019ve had.\u00a0 You\u2019ll stay and I don\u2019t want to hear any argument.\u00a0 We can make you comfortable in the room downstairs here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 6<\/strong><\/p>\n

Joe was often troubled by nightmares he couldn\u2019t later remember, but last night\u2019s dream would have been an ordinary one if the context had been normal. Instead, vivid images of people, places and things were all mixed up.\u00a0 Mama speaking Scots in the desert; Jamie wearing a sugarloaf hat; Hop Sing chewing tobacco, and Pa\u2019s lips moving but no sound coming from them.\u00a0 <\/em>It was the last image that unnerved him.\u00a0 And then he\u2019d heard it echoing in his head . . . The Voice<\/em> . . . yelling and shouting; arms reaching for him, grabbing him.<\/em>\u00a0 He told them all to go away, but all he heard was the unearthly howl of a wild animal.\u00a0 He enunciated clearly a demand that he be left alone.\u00a0 And again the only thing that touched his ears was the unintelligible growl of a wounded creature in pain.<\/p>\n

It was him.<\/p>\n

Joe awoke feeling completely undone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 7<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben rode Buck into the yard around noon, Suzi ran toward him in hysterics.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d Suzi sobbed.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t find him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t find who?\u201d Ben looked puzzled.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe,\u201d Jamie said as he came out of the barn.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long ?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHour. Maybe more.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was doing laundry (hiccup) and he wanted to play and I was too (hiccup) too busy and then the water boiled over on the stove and I was afraid he\u2019d get burned (hiccup) so I told him to get out of the kitchen and play (hiccup) somewhere else and by the time I cleaned up the mess I . . . I couldn\u2019t find him,\u201d she wailed, clinging to Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cHush, hush now, girl,\u201d Ben patted the young mother\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere have you looked?\u201d he asked Jamie.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe barn, the corrals, the pastures.\u00a0 Everyone\u2019s been looking.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben mouthed to Jamie \u201cThe stream?\u201d<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 The small stream near the house was normally just a trickle, but after the recent storms, it was running high and fast.<\/p>\n

Jamie shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cWe checked there first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you look upstairs?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t know how to climb stairs,\u201d Suzi snuffled.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear,\u201d Ben sighed. \u201cTrust me when I say\u2014and I speak from long personal experience\u2014just when you are certain your children can\u2019t do something is exactly when they prove to you they can.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi started to break from him and run toward the house, but Ben restrained her.\u00a0 \u201cCalmly.\u00a0 No need to frighten the boy.\u00a0 Remember, he\u2019ll take his cue from you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben took Suzi by the hand and they quickly\u2014but quietly\u2014went inside and up the stairs.<\/p>\n

In the first room they looked they found the boy curled up fast asleep in his godfather\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

From then on, the days moved quickly.\u00a0 Focusing on Little Joe gave Big Joe something to think about besides himself.\u00a0 He took delight in the child\u2019s antics and willingly watched over him when Suzi was busy.<\/p>\n

If Big Joe fell down, Little Joe took it for nothing more than a game and lay down beside him, content to stare at the clouds or play soldiers on Joe\u2019s chest or babble incessantly\u2014which didn\u2019t bother Big Joe at all.\u00a0 When Joe read to him, the boy didn\u2019t mind if the words came hesitantly or Joe stumbled occasionally.\u00a0 Gradually, Joe\u2019s speech grew less stilted and he was able to put longer sentences together.<\/p>\n

Ben decided to follow the advice he had given Suzi\u2014remain calm and Joe would take his cue from him.\u00a0 He made every effort to treat his son as he always had, assigning tasks, expecting him at meals, holding him accountable for his actions.\u00a0 He introduced Joe to Griff and Billy with the briefest of explanations as to their functions on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Due to the vertigo and the weakness of his right side, Joe was still limited in the scope of the work he could perform.\u00a0 Although he was beginning to participate in some of the decision-making, he appeared unwilling to wander too far from the main house and kept his associations to family, ranch hands, and close friends.\u00a0 At the doctor\u2019s insistence, all had been instructed to explain context to Joe whenever possible to ease his reintroduction to ranch and community life.\u00a0 He had learned of Roy Coffee\u2019s retirement and Clem\u2019s appointment as Sheriff, the building of the new Fourth Ward School, the completion of the intercontinental railroad and other events of the last several years.<\/p>\n

The one thing Ben had not dealt with was the subject of Hoss and Alice.\u00a0 He understood why Joe hadn\u2019t asked about Alice because he didn\u2019t remember her at all.\u00a0 But why he hadn\u2019t asked about Hoss\u2019s whereabouts confounded Ben.\u00a0 Did he remember and not let on?\u00a0 Oh, if only I knew what you were thinking, Joseph.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One morning at breakfast, Ben took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and asked Joe to go into town for the mail.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo what?\u201d Joe asked, dumbfounded.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou heard me.\u00a0 I need you to go into town, pick up the mail and deliver the timber contracts to Jack Wood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked across the table at Candy who shrugged, then at Jamie who jumped up a little too quickly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll hitch the buggy for you,\u201d he said, and ran out the door.\u00a0 Obviously, this had been previously discussed.<\/p>\n

Joe scowled.\u00a0 Misunderstanding the look, Ben explained, \u201cJack is Hiram\u2019s son, Joe.\u00a0 He joined the practice a few\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI know who Jack is,\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cA buggy?\u201d he added incredulously.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, we thought you would be more comfortable.\u00a0 You know, in case you get dizzy.\u201d\u00a0 Candy offered.\u00a0 \u201cSomething to hang on to.\u00a0\u00a0 If you need it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked back and forth between his father and Candy.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t sure about this at all.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been further from the house than down to the stables.\u00a0 It\u2019s true the attacks of vertigo weren\u2019t as numerous as before, but they still came on without warning and were no less debilitating. \u00a0Joe could just imagine it . . . Here, Jack . . . oh, excuse me while I spew on your patent leather boots.\u00a0 And a Buggy!\u00a0 What? I\u2019m so old like Jedediah Milbank?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t really spare anyone else, Joe,\u201d Ben said calmly\u2014more calmly than he felt.<\/p>\n

Joe stood from the table without a word and made his way to the credenza by the front door.\u00a0 He put on his gun belt which he hadn\u2019t worn in . . . he couldn\u2019t remember, then donned his jacket and hat.\u00a0 By the time he got outside, The Buggy was waiting.<\/p>\n

Ben handed him his kangaroo portfolio which Joe tucked under the seat.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake your time, son.\u00a0 Enjoy the day and remember Paul\u2019s office is just a few doors down from Hiram\u2019s if you need anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo long, buddy,\u201d Candy said as he threw a canteen on the seat and placed a bucket on the floorboard.\u00a0 Joe felt like he was six years old and was going off to school for the first time.\u00a0 Only no Hoss to hold my hand.<\/em><\/p>\n

Afraid to open his mouth for fear the bile in his throat would cause him to vomit right then and there, Joe waved a perfunctory goodbye and slapped the reins.<\/p>\n

As soon as the buggy rounded the corner of the barn, Ben called to Billy who was mounted and waiting by the corral fence.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo but keep out of sight.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want him to know he\u2019s being followed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do I do if he gets sick?\u201d Billy asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what to expect.\u00a0 Just keep an eye on him.\u00a0 Make sure he\u2019s safe, but don\u2019t interfere unless it\u2019s absolutely necessary.\u00a0 As soon as he gets to the law offices, you high tail it back here and report.\u00a0 Griff is already in town and will follow him home.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After a few miles, Joe began to relax.\u00a0 Candy was right; the buggy was comfortable.\u00a0 The seat hugged him and he could steady himself by holding on to the straight portion of the bow that supported the canopy.\u00a0 He began to breathe more deeply and enjoy the fresh air and scenery.<\/p>\n

On a whim, he decided to take the long way to town and drove through a meadow his mother had loved.\u00a0 She had called it Belle Fleur because of all the beautiful flowers that bloomed there in the spring.\u00a0 The summer grass was all that blew in the wind now or he might have stopped to pick a bouquet for her grave. \u00a0Strange, he could still smell those flowers and hear her laughter even now.<\/p>\n

It was a funny thing about memories.\u00a0\u00a0 Why could he remember so clearly the sound of her voice, her smell and touch, but not see her face?\u00a0 Why could he remember his brothers\u2019 penchant for tickling him, but not where he\u2019d been for the last two years?<\/p>\n

Joe ran a hand over his face and felt stubble.\u00a0 He shaved yesterday but because he couldn\u2019t bring himself to look in the mirror at a face he no longer recognized, he maintained a perpetual state of five o\u2019clock sunshine.\u00a0 That\u2019s what older brothers used to call it anyway.\u00a0 Adam had five o\u2019clock shadow by noon; Hoss by sundown.\u00a0 They used to rib me somethin\u2019 fierce about my lack of facial hair when I was a kid.\u00a0 That\u2019s when the sunshine joke started.\u00a0 Took until my twenties before lathering up was a daily occurrence.<\/em><\/p>\n

Why could he remember that and not what had happened to him?\u00a0 Am I unwilling to look in the mirror because I am afraid of the man I\u2019ve become?<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, could I talk with you?\u201d the young mother asked.<\/p>\n

Ben was grateful for the distraction.\u00a0 Billy had reported back that Joe had had an uneventful, if meandering, ride to Virginia City, but that was hours ago and there was still no sign of him or Griff.\u00a0 His patience was wearing thin and he could no longer focus on the financial accounts; perhaps a conversation would fill the time until they arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, Suzi, although it\u2019s been some time since I was the parent of a baby.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how much help I can offer.\u00a0 Children seem to be growing up so much faster today than when my boys were young.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi looked perplexed but then realized what the older man was thinking.\u00a0 \u201cOh, no, sir,\u201d she quickly asserted.\u00a0 \u201cNo parental advice sought!\u201d and there was a lilt to her laughter which pleased him to hear.\u00a0 Suzi had been through so much after her brother was killed at Shiloh and her parents had turned their backs on her because she married a Yankee.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, then,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cLet me just put away these papers and we\u2019ll go out on the porch where it\u2019s cooler.\u00a0 Hop Sing!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUmm\u2014\u201d she hesitated, casting a glance at Little Joe playing with tin soldiers under Ben\u2019s desk.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing will look after him,\u201d Ben assured her and turned to call the cook again.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop S\u2014!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy you yell?\u00a0 Too hot to yell,\u201d Hop Sing interrupted as he came in from the kitchen.<\/p>\n

Ben ignored his protests.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing, would you please bring lemonade out to the porch and keep an eye on Little Joe while we\u2019re outside?\u201d<\/p>\n

The Chinaman disappeared back into the kitchen muttering in Cantonese, but Ben was not fooled; he knew Hop Sing was secretly delighted to spend time with the youngster.\u00a0 His eyes gazed at the little tow head bobbing up and down under the desk as he moved his soldiers over the hills and dales of some imaginary plain and for a brief moment the last thirty years vanished and his own Joseph was once again master of his universe.\u00a0 Oh, how I wish it were so!<\/em><\/p>\n

With a shiver that belied the heat of the day, Ben shook himself out of his reverie.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, let\u2019s see about that lemonade, shall we?\u201d he said as he took Suzi\u2019s arm and escorted her out to the front porch.<\/p>\n

It was cooler outside and a nice breeze had come up, keeping the gnats at bay.\u00a0 Hop Sing had already placed a pitcher, glasses and some fresh-baked cookies on the table so Ben pulled out a chair for Suzi and took the other himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it that you wanted to ask, Suzi?\u201d he said while pouring them both a glass.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s more what I needed to tell you, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d she began.\u00a0 \u201cSomething that I didn\u2019t mention when you came to Yuma after Joe disappeared.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething about where he might have gone?\u201d Ben asked hopefully.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 No, nothing like that,\u201d Suzi assured him, sensing his concern.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. oh\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0oh, it\u2019s nothing, really,\u201d but there were tears in her eyes as she said it and her shoulders rounded when she put her chin to her chest, looking very much younger than her 24 years.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi,\u201d Ben patted her arm.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just begin wherever you feel comfortable and if I don\u2019t understand something, I\u2019ll ask.\u00a0 All right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi nodded and took a sip of the lemonade, looking sideways at him from under her lashes.\u00a0 Just being in the presence of this man was so overwhelming and yet she sensed the kindness in him.\u00a0 She certainly had heard about Joe\u2019s family over the years, mostly from her brother, of course.\u00a0 Joe never shoo\u2019d her away like Russell\u2019s other friends did.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t seem to care if she was a girl; he just accepted her.\u00a0 And after Russ was killed, Joe had kept tabs on her to make sure she was getting on all right.\u00a0 Joe was the first person she told when she fell in love with Garrett and planned to elope.\u00a0 That hadn\u2019t endeared the Cartwrights to her family, even if Joe was half Southern.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was always worried about Joe\u2019s visits,\u201d she put her glass down and sighed.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, Joe stood up for us when we were married, but I knew he did that out of loyalty to Russ more than anything.\u00a0 I was worried about how Joe would be with my husband.\u00a0 I mean, my parents didn’t like Garrett at all and made it very clear to me that I was no longer welcome at home.\u00a0\u00a0 I knew because of Russ, Joe would always be my friend, but I wasn’t sure that that friendship would extend to Garrett.\u00a0 Oh, he would be polite\u2014you raised him proper, after all\u2014but I was worried his first visit would be awkward.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t you have been concerned, too?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben paused with glass in mid-air, stunned by the rush of her words.\u00a0 How she had managed all of that without taking a breath he would never know.\u00a0 But before he could open his mouth to answer, she continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cI needn’t have worried.\u00a0 He and Garrett bonded immediately.\u00a0 I don’t know why exactly.\u00a0 They are very different men, with different backgrounds, but they clearly felt a kinship with each other; a passion about life\u2014Garrett\u2019s for the Army and Joe for his horses and the Ponderosa.\u00a0 And argue!\u00a0\u00a0They would start\u00a0at\u00a0breakfast and still be going at lunch about anything and everything.\u00a0\u00a0 At first it frightened me a little.\u00a0 I mean, growing up my father and brother never discussed anything in any way controversial with women ever and certainly not at the dinner table.\u00a0 The time for men’s talk was after dinner and my mother and I weren’t allowed to participate.\u00a0 But Joe and Garrett would involve me in their debates and it was quite stimulating.\u00a0 They actually wanted to hear my opinion and wouldn’t let me get away with slinking off to do laundry or housework.\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes night would come and the breakfast\u00a0dishes were still undone.\u00a0 Then\u00a0they’d pitch in and we’d clean up and cook and then\u00a0clean up again.\u00a0 It was a magic month, that first visit.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben smiled.\u00a0 He\u2019d raised his sons to be knowledgeable about current affairs, to express their opinions, and live up to their convictions; but most of all, he raised them to respect women and value their contributions.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t begin to imagine what it must have been like for Suzi, growing up in a household where she was dismissed out of hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the last visit?\u201d he asked.\u00a0 \u201cWere you still worried?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot worried so much as concerned. \u00a0We knew about Alice, of course. \u00a0Joe had written\u2014just the bare minimum, but enough that we saw through the words and felt his pain.\u201d\u00a0 Suzi took a bite of cookie to cover her quivering chin.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe wanted to ask Joe to be godfather to Garrett Jr., but we were both worried that when he came down for the Christening\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0seeing us together with the baby might be too much for him and perhaps bring bad memories to the surface.\u00a0 But it didn’t and that’s what surprised us.\u00a0 He seemed totally comfortable with our lives\u2014maybe a little wistful\u2014but not bitter or sad\u2014somehow at peace.\u00a0 Garrett and I both remarked on it but didn’t understand why that would be so.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe baby was mesmerized by Joe.\u00a0 He stared at him endlessly and his eyes followed him around the room wherever he was.\u00a0 Whenever he heard Joe\u2019s voice he cooed and gurgled and started looking for him.\u00a0 Joe could get him to sleep when neither Garrett nor I could\u2014he was colicky, you know\u2014and sometimes between that and the heat and the dust we were all so exhausted\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0well, Joe was an angel in disguise that month.<\/p>\n

\u201dGarrett never did like the idea of hanging a \u2018junior\u2019 tag on his son, so before the Christening, we asked Joe if he would mind if we named the baby Joseph Garrett Hanover and called him \u2018Little Joe.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Before Ben could ask, Suzi continued, \u201cJoe didn\u2019t say anything at all, but we watched the blood drain from his face before he turned away.\u00a0 Garrett and I looked at each other thinking we\u2019d made a really big mistake.\u00a0 Neither of us knew what to do, so we all just stood there for the longest time.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen Joe finally turned back, we could see his face was wet, but his eyes were sparkling and he had on this unforgettably brilliant smile\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. bigger than I\u2019d ever seen before.\u00a0 And he just nodded.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzy dabbed her own eyes at the remembrance.<\/p>\n

Ben\u2014imagining that moment\u2014coughed a little to cover his own emotion. \u00a0\u201cThat nickname caused Joseph a lot of grief over the years and it took him a long time to shed it.\u00a0 I\u2019m surprised he agreed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember his complaints, too,\u201d Suzi laughed lightly.\u00a0 \u201cThat night, Little Joe spit up and had diarrhea something fierce.\u00a0 Joe insisted on cleaning him up.\u00a0 As he bathed and dressed him, Joe gave his namesake quite a lecture about nutrition and eating what was good for him so he could grow up as big as his Uncle Hoss, \u2018cause being \u2018little joe\u2019 was only going to be cute for so long and then he would have to stand tall, make his own way in the world, and be the man his father expected, regardless of his actual stature.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what?\u201d Suzi asked in amazement.\u00a0 \u201cLittle Joe never spit up again.\u00a0 From that moment on, the colic and the diarrhea were gone and he\u2019s never been sick\u2014knock wood\u2014since.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph has always had a way with children, I\u2019ve seen that myself over and over again,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cAll of my sons have had that gift. Perhaps because their own childhoods were so abruptly altered by the loss of a parent they intuitively sense a child\u2019s vulnerability and seek to protect them.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Like Joe with Billy,<\/em> he thought.<\/p>\n

Ben studied Suzi for a moment before asking, \u201cWas this what you wanted to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Oh.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I mean, yes, I wanted you to know how much Joe has meant to Garrett and me and Little Joe\u2014how much he will always mean even if he can\u2019t remember himself.\u00a0 But, no, that wasn\u2019t what I wanted . . . what I needed . . .\u201d Suzi stifled a small sob and buried her head in her hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Suzi? \u00a0You can tell me,\u201d Ben soothed.\u00a0 \u201cIt will be all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just don\u2019t know.\u00a0 You all are trying to decide how much to tell Joe about the last few years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that\u2019s true,\u201d Ben nodded his head.\u00a0 \u201cThe doctor believes we should give him the basic facts, but that we shouldn\u2019t volunteer too much information unless he specifically asks.\u00a0 But as you know, it took being confronted with you and Jamie for Joe to begin to accept his condition.\u00a0 I can\u2019t say I agree with Candy\u2019s subterfuge, but I do appreciate what you\u2019ve all done\u2014how you\u2019ve helped Joe come this far.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what about Alice?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I know something that he won\u2019t know to ask\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0that no one knows?\u00a0 Do I tell him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben straightened his back and narrowed his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you know and how do you know it?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n

Suzi felt the dark chocolate eyes bore into her.\u00a0 She was transfixed, but strangely not afraid.\u00a0 Unlike her own father, this father cared about the welfare of his children.\u00a0 This father knew what it was to lose a spouse.\u00a0 This was a father she could trust to do the right thing.\u00a0 And so she told him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe last night before Joe left, he and Garrett were up late,\u201d she began.\u00a0 \u201cWell, that wasn’t rare .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0they usually talked half the night away.\u00a0 But that night it was different.\u00a0 I had gone to bed early as I was dead on my feet.\u00a0 It had rained that day and there was cool breeze coming off the mountains so the windows were open.\u00a0 Garrett and Joe were on the front porch rambling on about horses and breeding, troop movements and the Indian situation\u2014same ol\u2019 stuff they\u2019d been talking about all month and I drifted off easily.\u00a0 Then all of a sudden it got very quiet.\u00a0 Call it a mother\u2019s intuition or curiosity or whatever, but I was instantly awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

Although Ben had gotten used to Suzi\u2019s style of talking by now, he was growing impatient. \u00a0\u201cGo on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey started talking about the night Joe lectured the baby about becoming the man his father would want him to be.\u00a0 Garrett said it really brought him up short to think that he might not be there for his son in the years ahead and that he was pleased Joe had embraced his role as godfather.\u00a0 Garrett was worried that if something happened to him that I would be alone with the baby.\u00a0 He didn’t like my family any more than they liked him and he was concerned that my father would get his hands on our baby and turn him into\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0well\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. let\u2019s just say it’s not what my husband wanted for his son.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe promised him then and there that he would never let that happen and that he would always be there for Little Joe and for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi,\u201d Ben started to say, but she put her hand up to silence him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then Joe got real quiet and for the first time talked about Alice . . . how they\u2019d met, how sweet and pretty she was . . . about the house he built for her and the nursery he was adding on when the fire happened . . . about discovering she had been murdered and bringing the killers to justice.<\/p>\n

\u201cGarrett asked him if he felt guilty because he wasn\u2019t there when it happened.\u00a0 My heart nearly stopped at that.\u00a0 I didn’t know how Garrett could ask such a question! But what surprised me was the answer.\u00a0 Joe said \u2018yes, but not for the reasons you might think.\u2019\u00a0 He said he felt guilty because\u2014although he had loved Alice\u2014he realized he had\u00a0married her for all the wrong reasons.\u00a0 He said that she was exactly the type of woman Hoss would have loved and that marrying her was a way for him to keep Hoss close because he wasn\u2019t ready to let go of his brother, not then, not ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe said the last few weeks of seeing\u00a0what a marriage could be made him realize what he didn’t have, hadn\u2019t had with Alice\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0may never have with anyone ever.\u00a0 Alice was a very sweet, soft-spoken woman who had trouble sustaining a conversation.\u00a0 Maybe Joe could have drawn her out like Garrett did me, but he didn’t think so.\u00a0 He said she was so quiet, so fragile, that he was sometimes even afraid of being too physical in their marriage bed because she was so delicate.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then he said that he had failed her on so many levels, including the fact that he hadn\u2019t buried her in the family plot by the lake and that his failure to do so was as if she had meant nothing, nothing at all to any of you, as if she never existed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben had always wondered about that. \u00a0He knew Alice hated the city and loved the Ponderosa.\u00a0 But it never made sense to him why Joe had chosen a field far from where his mother and Hoss were laid to rest. \u00a0Was there some significance or was it grief that clouded his judgment?<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he say why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot that I heard.\u00a0 They were quiet for a good while, then Garrett mumbled something and they came inside.\u00a0 Joe left the next morning.\u00a0 Three weeks later we got your telegram saying that he was missing.\u00a0 Six months later Garrett was killed in action.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 8<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Griff saw the buggy hitched in front of the law office, but there was no sign of Joe so he started to walk to the doctor\u2019s office when he heard retching noises.\u00a0 He found Joe in the alley between C and D Street bent nearly in half, his left shoulder bracing against the wall, hands on knees.\u00a0 So much for staying out of sight.\u00a0 <\/em>Griff went back to the buggy and grabbed the canteen.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u00a0 Joe, it\u2019s Griff.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGriff.\u00a0 I work on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 You know me.\u00a0 I bust broncs for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGriff?\u201d Joe rolled from his shoulder onto his back and slid ungracefully down the rough brick wall into the dirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u00a0 Here, drink,\u201d he said kneeling and holding the open canteen to Joe\u2019s lips.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe half-heartedly pushed him away.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s Hop Sing\u2019s tea, remember.\u00a0 Easy.\u00a0 Not too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, fella.\u00a0 Let me take you to the doc\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019 wanna.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you can\u2019t stay here because people are staring.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 Lie down.\u00a0 Wanna lie down.\u201d<\/p>\n

Griff looked around. There wasn\u2019t much choice in this part of town but he had an idea.<\/p>\n

Lucy was from Iowa, newly arrived in Virginia City and in love with every cowboy she met but she didn\u2019t care so much for miners\u2014or old men\u2014so when she saw what she took for a drunken \u201cgrandpa\u201d at her door, she was disinclined to let the grey-haired man into her room.\u00a0 All that changed when she saw it was that cute Griff from the Ponderosa holding him up and the door swung wide.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou were supposed to follow him, not talk to him!\u201d Candy shouted as soon as he closed the barn door.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t talk to him!\u00a0 Well, I did, but not about ranch stuff,\u201d Griff countered.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen who told him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know!\u00a0 He\u2019s a smart guy.\u00a0 He probably figured it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy had a sinking feeling.\u00a0 D Street was near the red-light district. \u00a0\u201cGriff?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what did you want me to do . . . leave him in that alley?\u00a0 He was starting to attract the wrong kind of attention.\u00a0 I thought it best to get him out of there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInto a brothel?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, it wasn\u2019t like it was his first time, ya know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?!\u00a0 Jeez, Griff!\u201d Candy threw up his hands and paced.\u00a0 It was either that or hit the cowboy.\u00a0 \u201cWhich house?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBiedermans.\u201d<\/p>\n

A low growl escaped Candy\u2019s throat as he asked, \u201cWho?\u00a0 Kate?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Lucy with the big\u2014\u201c Griff gestured with his hands in front of his chest.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014jeez, not his type.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he didn\u2019t seem to mind . . . several times.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSeveral?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell . . . we were only there a couple hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 9<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Next to telling a woman she is in the family way, a doctor likes nothing better than letting a mother know her child is healthy and developing normally.\u00a0 So on this beautiful summer day, Doc Martin took great pleasure in letting Suzi Hanover know that Little Joe was thriving.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, thank you, doctor!\u201d Suzi gushed. \u201cI was so worried. If the Cartwrights hadn\u2019t taken us in, I don\u2019t know what I would have done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve done just as much for them, Suzi.\u00a0 Having Little Joe around has been a tonic for the whole family, especially Joe.\u00a0 Watching out for that little man has given Joe something to occupy his day while he recovers his motor and speech skills.\u00a0 I don\u2019t believe Joe would be making the progress he has without you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi looked doubtful.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there something concerning you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m really grateful for all everyone has done for us, but . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think my son is starting to think of Joe as his father.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHaven\u2019t I heard you refer to him as Big Joe around the boy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she responded timidly, then brightening, she added, \u201cHe calls Hop Sing, \u2018Hoppy.\u2019\u00a0 Joe put him up to that.\u00a0 Hop Sing protests, but I think he secretly enjoys it.\u00a0 And he calls Uncle Ben \u2018Papa.\u2019\u00a0 I don\u2019t know\u2014I just think he\u2019s getting confused about the relationships.\u00a0 I . . . I think it might be better for everyone if Little Joe and I were to get our own place in town only\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014Only you don\u2019t know how you will manage?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 In Yuma I worked in the infirmary on the base. Do you think I could find work doing something like that if I could find someone to look after Little Joe during the day?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cForgive me for saying so, my dear, but isn\u2019t it your place to take care of Little Joe right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, of course, doctor!\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t neglect my son!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, now, I wasn\u2019t suggesting you were, Suzi.\u00a0 I just wondered who was going to care for him if you were working.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I . . . I . . . I don\u2019t know!\u201d\u00a0 Sobbing, Suzi collapsed in the nearest chair.<\/p>\n

Paul quietly stepped into the hallway to summon his housekeeper. \u201cMrs. Wilson, would you mind taking this young man\u2014who has been a very good patient today\u2014to the kitchen for some milk and cookies?\u00a0 Would you like that, Little Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCookies!\u201d said Little Joe enthusiastically and ran to the kitchen as fast as his little legs would carry him.<\/p>\n

Paul closed the door to the examining room and pulled a chair up next to the young mother.\u00a0 \u201cNow, why don\u2019t you tell me what\u2019s really bothering you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief but didn\u2019t look up.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you worried that the family is becoming too attached to your son?\u201d<\/p>\n

The question elicited a tentative nod.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi, are you falling in love with Joe Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

That question brought about an audible gasp.<\/p>\n

Paul had known Joe all his life.\u00a0 For a while it seemed Joe fell in love every week.\u00a0 He had broken a lot of hearts and had his own broken in return.\u00a0 He also knew Joe was an honorable man who would not be cavalier about a young woman\u2019s feelings, not knowingly anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cHas Joe led you to believe that he\u2019s in love with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 He\u2019s been nothing but kind to me, to my husband, to our son.\u00a0 As much as I want to, I just don\u2019t think I should stay there any longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me see what I can do.\u00a0 There might be something in Carson City or Genoa.\u00a0 Those towns would offer a better environment for Little Joe than Virginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, doctor.\u00a0 And you won\u2019t say anything to the Cartwrights?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not, my dear.\u201d\u00a0 The doctor escorted Suzi to the foyer and called Mrs. Wilson to bring the boy.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you tell Ben that I\u2019ll be out in a few days to check on Joe, see how he\u2019s getting on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGetting on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith his hip and that cracked rib.\u00a0 He took quite a spill yesterday.\u00a0 I would have preferred it if he\u2019d stayed at the hotel a day before heading home, but at least he had come to town in the buggy.\u00a0 I told him no horseback for a week.\u00a0 If he stays off his feet, it shouldn\u2019t set his recovery back too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u00a0 Goodbye, doctor.\u00a0 And thank you again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGoodbye my dear, Little Joe,\u201d and the doctor shut the door leaving Suzi on the boardwalk holding her boy.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, son.\u00a0 We need to get home and let Papa know that Big Joe has been very, very naughty!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When he awoke, Joe felt more alive than he had in weeks, if a little sore.\u00a0 Must have been the ride into town or . . . he smiled . . . the ride I took on D Street<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Joe had told Lucy all he wanted to do was lie down, but she took that as an insult and set about proving her worth.\u00a0 He took her clumsy ministrations as a challenge and set about educating her on the finer points of sex. \u00a0She had a lot to learn, but she was a quick study. \u00a0If she could confine her intercourse to sexual matters, he might enjoy seeing her again, but her chatter drove him to distraction.\u00a0 More than that, it had downright infuriated him.<\/p>\n

The euphoria upon waking rapidly dissipated.<\/p>\n

He had found through trial and error over the last few weeks that the best method of rising without getting dizzy was to roll to his stomach and push off the bed slowly with both arms.\u00a0 It was a utilitarian move that doubled as exercise for his weakened right side.\u00a0 On good days, he would throw in a few extra pushups.\u00a0 Today was not a good day.<\/p>\n

What he hadn\u2019t remembered was the beating his right side took yesterday. Now how am I going to get up?<\/em>\u00a0 Pressing his elbow into his ribcage, he rolled to his right throwing his left leg over the edge of the bed.\u00a0 Once the pain subsided, he felt around with his foot until it touched the hardwood floor then used his left arm to grab the bedpost and lift his torso enough to pull his right knee under him and pushed off.<\/p>\n

Once vertical he was drenched in sweat, but so far\u2014miracle of miracles\u2014no dizziness.\u00a0 He poured a glass of the tea Hop Sing kept handy for him and selected an oat bannock from the basket on the nightstand.\u00a0 Between nibbles and sips he washed and dressed, moving slowly and deliberately, able to minimize the discomfort but unable to forget what he had learned from Lucy.\u00a0 And the more he thought about it, the more infuriated he became.<\/p>\n

Joe moved to the open window to watch the horses in the upper corral.\u00a0 He could hear them neighing and saw the younger colts cavorting.\u00a0 His horses.\u00a0 The ones he had bred and raised and trained and now may never be able to work again.\u00a0 Correction.<\/em>\u00a0 They weren\u2019t his horses any longer.\u00a0 According to Lucy, Griff was in charge. \u00a0Best bronco buster in Nevada! . . . Pride of the Ponderosa! \u00a0. . . Savior of the Cartwrights!<\/em><\/p>\n

It made him angry.\u00a0 Angry at Griff for taking his place.\u00a0 Angry more at Lucy for telling him about it.\u00a0 Angry most at his father for keeping that fact from him.<\/p>\n

He had stormed out of Biederman\u2019s after he put two and two together and figured out what Griff\u2019s job on the Ponderosa really was.\u00a0 He thought Griff was just another ranch hand, someone his family had given a second chance to after he saved Pa\u2019s life.\u00a0 At first he was bemused because he figured Griff had embellished his position a bit to bolster his image\u2014play the big man but soon learned different.<\/p>\n

Leaving D Street had proved more difficult than he envisioned.\u00a0 It was all uphill to where he\u2019d left the buggy and the recent vigorous physical activity, plus the vertical climb brought on the worst attack of vertigo he\u2019d had in weeks.\u00a0 He fell down repeatedly and the last attempt sent him tumbling down Union until he smacked into a rain barrel at the corner. \u00a0The next thing he knew Griff had thrown him over his shoulder and carried him up to C Street and Doc Martin\u2019s. \u00a0He was not pleased, but neither was the doctor.<\/p>\n

Joe endured the lecture stone-faced and left without saying a word.\u00a0 Griff was waiting out front in the driver\u2019s seat of the buggy, his horse tied to the rear.\u00a0 Great.\u00a0 Just great.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Before Joe could climb in, however, a clerk from Hiram\u2019s office ran up waiving papers and apologizing for overlooking them.\u00a0 Expecting copies of the timber contracts, Joe was caught off guard by what he was handed\u2014the new Army contracts, signed by Griff King, as Manager of JFC Stables and William Fenn as Trainer.\u00a0 Billy<\/em>.\u00a0 Billy the Trainer.\u00a0 Billy the Traitor was more like it.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s heart sank but he forced a smile, said thank you to the clerk, and added the papers to the portfolio before stowing it under the seat.\u00a0 Positioning one hand on the dash rail and another on the bow, he paused for a moment as if girding himself for the discomfort of boarding. \u00a0Griff slid over to make room for him and extended his hand.\u00a0 Ignoring the invitation, Joe walked gingerly around the team and boarded from the right side with a grimace and a grunt, effectively\u2014and quite literally\u2014turning his deaf ear to whatever Griff might say.\u00a0 It was a small act of defiance, but it was his and he took it.<\/p>\n

The journey home was agony, but he grit his teeth and endured it without sound.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The door was ajar, but Ben knocked lightly on it anyway out of habit.\u00a0 When there was no answer he pushed it open with his fingertips, but remained standing in the threshold, uncertain about entering.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know how his son felt about yesterday\u2019s events.\u00a0 It was obvious when Joe drove into the yard with Griff that he knew he had been followed.\u00a0 He had shaken off offers of assistance when he climbed awkwardly out of the buggy, walked somewhat tipsily into the house, and gone straight to his room slamming the door, not speaking to anyone.\u00a0 When Ben had checked on him later, he was sleeping with his deaf ear out, a trick he had begun using to avoid conversation.\u00a0 Griff was close-mouthed about why they were delayed.<\/p>\n

It was only this morning when Ben was going through the portfolio and saw the Army contracts that he realized Joe must have seen them also.\u00a0 The title after Griff\u2019s name must have been a shock to Joe, but the word \u201cmanager\u201d had many meanings and could be changed with no real harm to either man.\u00a0 Ben was more concerned with the title after Billy\u2019s name because he knew that \u201ctrainer\u201d held more significance for Joe.\u00a0 No one trained his horses but him\u2014no one.<\/p>\n

Joe didn’t hear Ben’s steps in the hallway or the door creak as it open, but he could feel his Pa’s presence all the same.\u00a0 Doc Martin was right in that his other senses were beginning to compensate for the hearing loss.\u00a0 Jamie had told him about a nitro explosion that left him blinded although he had been lucky and had regained his sight as predicted.\u00a0 The Doc had offered no such assurances this time.\u00a0 No, this time the hearing loss was likely permanent as was the vertigo.<\/p>\n

Pa’s been smoking again. \u00a0<\/em>Joe knew his Pa had given up his pipe after a severe case of influenza last winter\u2014last winter?\u2014<\/em>but all that must have changed in the time he\u2019d been gone.\u00a0 It was more than the smell of pipe tobacco which filtered into the room when his Pa entered and sat down on the edge of the bed.\u00a0 It was The Look Joe felt boring into his back.\u00a0 He’s worried<\/em>.<\/p>\n

“I’m all right,” he sighed, not moving from the window.<\/p>\n

“Well,” Ben said, “at least you’re not ‘fine.'”<\/p>\n

Joe’s eyes flashed as he snapped his head around towards his father, ready to retort, but seeing the smile on Ben’s face, he held his tongue.<\/p>\n

Ben could see what that quick movement cost Joe\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0the way he gripped the window frame to steady himself, the beads of sweat that broke out on his brow and lip.\u00a0 He could sense when the wave of nausea slammed into his son.\u00a0 It even appeared as though Joe had stopped breathing for a moment when he closed his eyes against the dizziness.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at me son,\u201d Ben said quietly.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes opened and\u2014exhaling slowly\u2014he focused on his father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Ben wanted so badly to put his hand around Joe\u2019s neck and pull him close as he used to do, but Joe was keeping him at arm\u2019s length both figuratively and literally.<\/p>\n

\u201cTalk to me, Joe.\u00a0 I know you\u2019re angry with me, but we need to talk it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

When there was no response, Ben changed tactics.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what it\u2019s like.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThese attacks.\u00a0 What do they feel like?\u00a0 What happens to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happens?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to know what you\u2019re going through.\u00a0 Help me to understand, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sighed and stared out the window again.\u00a0 He remained that way for a long time.\u00a0 So long that Ben had almost decided to leave the room when Joe began to speak hesitantly as he struggled to put into words what he experienced.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s . . . like being drunk only worse.\u00a0 Instead of the room spinning, I\u2019m the one spinning.\u00a0 I have trouble hearing, my eyes go haywire, my head weighs a thousand pounds and I can\u2019t hold it up.\u00a0 I sweat, throw up, and then want to sleep for a long time.\u00a0 When I wake, I feel like I was rode hard and put away wet.\u00a0 And I know it will happen again.\u00a0 And I know I\u2019m powerless to stop it.\u00a0 But the worst part,\u201d Joe paused.\u00a0 \u201cThe worst part is being treated like . . . like Little Joe.\u201d\u00a0 He turned to look at his father accusingly, \u201clike a child.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben swallowed hard and met his son\u2019s gaze.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry, Joe.\u00a0 You\u2019ve no one to blame but me.\u00a0 I\u2019m responsible for the way you\u2019ve been treated.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one that kept Jamie and the others away from you\u2014to keep you from learning too much, too soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

The raw emotion that passed between father and son crackled like heat lightning. Joe was the first to discharge the static electricity with a simple question that had no simple answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

A hundred responses went through Ben\u2019s mind in as many seconds, each one rejected summarily.\u00a0 In the final analysis there was only one response required\u2014the truth.<\/p>\n

\u201cFear.\u201d<\/p>\n

The word echoed in Joe\u2019s head becoming louder with each ping.\u00a0 Fear.\u00a0 <\/em>Joe had felt fear many times, but not his father. Not Pa.<\/em>\u00a0 No matter how old the son is, a father isn\u2019t allowed to be afraid.\u00a0 Fathers are pillars of strength, but even as he thought My Pa\u2019s not afraid of anything . . . he\u2019s the bravest man in the whole world!\u00a0 <\/em>he realized it was a child\u2019s voice he was hearing, not a man\u2019s.\u00a0 And a part of him\u2014suddenly a very large part of him\u2014wanted to be a child again.<\/p>\n

Instead, he lowered himself into the chair by the window and said simply, \u201cExplain.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was Ben\u2019s turn to rise from the bed and look out the window, but there was no joy in his stance.<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s insides clenched.\u00a0 He had a very bad feeling and it wasn\u2019t the vertigo.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHush, Joseph.\u00a0 You asked for an explanation.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to give you one.\u201d\u00a0 Ben turned and sat on the windowsill, his hands gripping the woodwork.\u00a0 He took his time, weighing his words carefully.<\/p>\n

\u201cA child is God\u2019s greatest gift. A parent\u2019s responsibility is to see to it that that child becomes a happy, responsible adult, a productive member of society, socially conscious, a caretaker of the environment, and lives a long and fruitful life. \u00a0When a child becomes more than a parent ever dreamed possible . . . well, that\u2019s a parent\u2019s gift to God.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom the moment each of you were born\u2014you, Adam, and Hoss, I\u2019ve sheltered, nurtured, cared for you as best as I could.\u00a0 I realize at times I was perhaps overzealous in that duty of care.\u00a0 I\u2019m not proud of that, but it is instinct . . . a parent\u2019s nature to want to protect their children from disappointment; to absorb as much pain and hurt as possible. That a child will experience those things anyway is a part of growing up, I know.\u00a0 But the desire to protect never goes away, even when that child becomes a man.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe began.\u00a0 Ben raised a hand to silence him.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne constant fear a parent has is that they won\u2019t be there when their children need them; to help them when they stumble, to see them grow up and flourish.\u00a0 But the greatest fear every parent lives with is that they will outlive their children and not be able to fulfill that promise to God.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m so sorry you thought I was dead.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know\u2014”<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014where I was. I would have come home if\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014I could have.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben leaned forward and placed his hands on Joe\u2019s knees.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I never believed you were dead.\u00a0 Roy, Paul, everyone tried to reason with me, but I never felt it in here,\u201d Ben poked his chest.\u00a0 \u201cWhat they were telling me made sense in my head, but not in my heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen . . . I don\u2019t understand . . . what are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout the information I kept from you. \u00a0I\u2019ve been trying to shelter you, protect you from learning things that would hurt. I wanted to save you from the pain\u2014\u201d Ben\u2019s eyes began to fill with tears.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019ll get over this vertigo\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014or I\u2019ll learn to live with it like the doc says.\u00a0 You don\u2019t hav . . . you don\u2019t have to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Tears were now streaming down his Pa\u2019s face and Joe was beginning to panic.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014what?\u00a0 What is it I don\u2019t know?\u00a0 What is it you have to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph,\u201d Ben said, placing his hands on his son\u2019s shoulders. \u00a0\u201cHoss is dead.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a long moment Joe thought it was his ear that had deceived him again; thought he had misheard.\u00a0 Dead?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Hoss is on vacation.\u00a0 He\u2019s just takin\u2019 his sweet time coming home, getting even with me for being late.<\/em> \u00a0But his father\u2019s anguish was genuine.\u00a0 He gripped Ben\u2019s forearms to steady himself and held on, searching the face he knew so well for a sign . . . any sign that this was all a mistake.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am so sorry, Joe.\u00a0 I would give anything . . . my life . . . if you didn\u2019t have to go through this again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Again?\u00a0 What do you mean again?\u00a0 <\/em>\u201cWhen?\u201d he croaked.\u00a0 \u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNearly four years ago.\u00a0 An accident.\u00a0 He was . . .\u201d Ben\u2019s voice droned on, but Joe didn\u2019t hear.\u00a0 All that echoed in his head was four years . . . four years . . . four years.<\/em>\u00a0 He\u2019d only been gone two years they told him.\u00a0 I\u2019ve lost four years?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Joe stood suddenly, gulping for air.\u00a0 He had to get out of the house.\u00a0 He ran down the stairs, out the front door, and vaulted onto the nearest horse.\u00a0 There was only one place on earth he wanted to be.<\/p>\n

The ride to the lake was a blur.\u00a0 By the time Joe arrived his head was exploding with kaleidoscopic visions.\u00a0 He fell rather than dismounted and promptly rolled to his side to empty his stomach.\u00a0 Spent, he crawled on hands and knees to the moss-covered mound where his mother was buried and then he saw it. \u00a0No! <\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Next to her was Hoss\u2019s grave, the blooms of a climbing rose entwining both headstones. \u00a0As his fingers traced each letter of his brother\u2019s name one by one, Joe\u2019s heart fractured bit by bit until there was nothing left. \u00a0Bereft beyond comprehension, he fell unconscious to the ground.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cCandy!\u00a0 I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here,\u201d Jamie said as he rushed from the house to greet the foreman as soon as he rode into the yard.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Joe.\u00a0 Pa . . . Pa told him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTold him?\u00a0 Told him what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Jamie had grabbed a hold of Candy\u2019s bridle and looked up.\u00a0 \u201cAbout Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, jeez,\u201d Candy bent over his saddle horn as though he\u2019d just been kicked in the gut.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are they?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2019s inside. Joe took off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean he took off?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRode out of here like a bat out of hell . . . bareback!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSaddle up!\u00a0 We\u2019ll\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

The word resonated in the air like a foghorn, powerful yet mournful.\u00a0\u00a0 Candy dismounted as his boss approached thinking the man had aged a hundred years in the few hours since breakfast.<\/p>\n

\u201cSir, begging your pardon, but riding bareback\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s a risk.\u00a0 But Joe has to find his own way through this to be able to truly come home to us in mind and spirit as well as body.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been wrong trying to protect him from the truth.\u00a0 You both showed me that with your little escapade a few weeks ago but I didn\u2019t learn from it.\u00a0 I still equivocate every time he asks a question. I even tried to control his excursion into town yesterday and look how well that turned out.\u201d\u00a0 The fact that neither Candy nor Jamie offered a retort spoke volumes to Ben.\u00a0 \u201cNo, we\u2019ll leave him be for now.\u00a0 He needs to grieve in his own way.\u00a0 But I am sorry . . . sorry to put you both through it all again.\u201d<\/p>\n

In a move that was not unexpected or unknown, Jamie threw his arms around Ben\u2019s neck.\u00a0 What surprised the hell out of Candy was that Ben reached out and drew him into the embrace as well.<\/p>\n

Suzi and Little Joe\u2019s carriage arrived a moment later. \u00a0A quick survey was all that was needed to confirm there was trouble.\u00a0 Lifting Little Joe into her arms, she rushed over to the men.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe knows about Hoss,\u201d Jamie said, pulling away from Ben, who had turned to compose himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe left on horseback.\u00a0 The lake would be my guess,\u201d Candy said.<\/p>\n

Alarmed, Suzi exclaimed, \u201cHe can\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe fell yesterday in town . . . down a hill.\u00a0 His hip is badly bruised and he cracked a rib.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben, Candy, and Jamie looked at her in stunned silence.<\/p>\n

Little Joe boldly stated his new word, \u201cNaughty!\u201d<\/p>\n

Out of the mouths of babes<\/em> Ben thought.\u00a0 Only \u201cnaughty\u201d wasn\u2019t the word he was thinking of right then.<\/p>\n

\u201cSaddle my horse,\u201d he hissed to no one in particular, pivoted and strode purposefully back to the house.<\/p>\n

Suzi shoved Little Joe into Jamie\u2019s arms and ran after him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, wait!\u201d she cried.\u00a0 \u201cLet me go.\u00a0 You\u2019re tired. You\u2019re angry. You\u2019ll say something you\u2019ll regret.\u00a0 I\u2019m the only one who hasn\u2019t lied to him, the only one he can trust right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have not lied to him!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo . . . just committed the sin of omission.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was furious but also taken aback at Suzi\u2019s candor.\u00a0 Maybe she is right.\u00a0 Maybe what Joe needs is a third party to bridge the gap between the past and the present. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAll right,\u201d he acquiesced.\u00a0 \u201cBut you\u2019ll need to take some things with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 10<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The path to the lake was well traveled although usually not by a wagon and team.\u00a0 Suzi had driven the buckboard at Ben\u2019s insistence in the event Joe would be more comfortable reclining on the way home.\u00a0 Placed carefully in the back were a mattress, blankets, food and water, and first aid supplies.<\/p>\n

She found him on a bench under a ponderosa pine.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look like something the cat dragged in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat good, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n

At least he still had his sense of humor.\u00a0 That\u2019s what she always loved about him . . . his quick wit and effervescent laugh.\u00a0 Those same qualities are what drew her to Garrett.<\/p>\n

\u201cI brought food.\u00a0 Are you hungry?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe made a face and shook his head rather vigorously and then regretted the movement.<\/p>\n

\u201cGot anything to drink . . . stronger than tea?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d she laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take tea then,\u201d not surprised when she brought forth the canteen she had behind her back.<\/p>\n

Joe drank deeply and watched as she retrieved the picnic basket from the buckboard.\u00a0\u00a0 He admired the grace with which she shook out the tablecloth.\u00a0\u00a0 As she knelt and stretched to distribute various containers to the four corners so the cloth wouldn\u2019t ripple in the breeze, he became acutely aware of her voluptuous curves and long legs and he found himself becoming aroused.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s Garrett\u2019s wife, you idiot!<\/em><\/p>\n

Then he remembered.\u00a0 Garrett was dead and she was a widow with a small boy and no one to take care of her.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStopped fussing and come sit,\u201d he said, patting the bench.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think that\u2019s a one-person bench, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 I guess it is.\u201d\u00a0 Joe frowned.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t remember a bench being here before.\u00a0 With difficulty he rose and looked at it.\u00a0 It appeared to be put together from scraps of wood from . . . no; it can\u2019t be!<\/em>\u00a0 He looked closer and one of the planks had a name carved in it; a childish script in big letters:\u00a0 JOE<\/p>\n

Suzi rose and quietly stood next to him.\u00a0 \u201cCandy told me your father made it from bits and pieces of your old tree house.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t ready to bury you, but he wanted something of you up here when he visited your mother and brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was too much for Joe and a gut-wrenching sob tore loose from deep inside his soul.\u00a0 Suzi enveloped him in her arms and he buried his nose in her strawberry blond hair that smelled faintly of violets.<\/p>\n

When he had brought himself under control, he held her face in both hands and ran his thumbs across her full and sensuous lips until she parted them slightly inviting his touch.<\/p>\n

Despite her passion and obvious desire for him, it was like kissing a sister.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The next week went fairly well for everyone as Joe came to terms with his brother\u2019s death.\u00a0 Although he still couldn\u2019t bring himself to talk about Hoss, he was more animated and engaged with the business of the ranch.\u00a0 When Candy made his reports as foreman, Joe not only listened intently but asked pertinent questions and weighed in with his opinion.<\/p>\n

The exceptions were two-fold:\u00a0 Joe would not have anything to do with JFC Stables, Griff or Billy.\u00a0 Griff was ambivalent.\u00a0 Billy was heartbroken.<\/p>\n

The other was Ben who was on tenterhooks waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.\u00a0 He still hadn\u2019t told Joe about Alice and didn\u2019t know how he was going to go about it.\u00a0 As it turned out, the decision was out of his hands.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Without knocking or waiting for a response, Jamie walked into the room and sat down on Joe\u2019s bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you awake?\u201d<\/p>\n

No; I\u2019m sleeping you dunce.\u00a0Now I know why this drove my brothers crazy<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Jamie?\u201d he said, sitting up and putting his feet on the floor.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t in the mood for riddles.<\/p>\n

They all thought he was taking the news so well\u00a0 . . . the news that his brother\u2014his best friend\u2014was dead . . . had been dead four years and he didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 How could I not know?<\/em>\u00a0 Pa told me he believed in his heart I wasn\u2019t dead even though I\u2019d been missing for two years.\u00a0 How did he know I was alive and I didn\u2019t know Hoss was dead?\u00a0 <\/em>The enormity of Joe\u2019s confusion rivaled Hoss in size and girth, but he wasn\u2019t about to let anyone know how he felt.<\/p>\n

He was in fact miserable.\u00a0 The dizziness was not gone; he was just hiding it better.\u00a0 He was adapting as the doctor said he would . . . just not in the way everyone expected.\u00a0 And no one seemed to notice or know what he needed, except Suzi.\u00a0 And now she was talking about leaving the ranch and taking Little Joe with her.\u00a0 Life was a misery<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cI, uh, I wanted to give you something,\u201d Jamie said hesitantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Joe was more than a little irritated at this intrusion into his thoughts but he could see the moisture in Jamie\u2019s eyes and realized it must be hard to have Hoss\u2019s death dredged up again.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d he said again, more kindly this time.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis,\u201d he said holding out his arm.\u00a0 Joe couldn\u2019t tell what he was holding.\u00a0 Then Jamie opened his hand and Joe saw it.\u00a0 It was a carved horse that Hoss had made.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted you to have it,\u201d Jamie said.\u00a0 \u201cBecause, you know, Hoss made it and you don\u2019t have yours anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked over at his bookshelf and sure enough there were no figures there.\u00a0 Hoss had made many horses for him over the years and he had kept them all, each one cherished, each one a memory of a time and a place and a season.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are my horses?\u00a0 Did you take them while I was gone?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked more sharply than he intended.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 This is mine.\u00a0 Hoss made it for me.\u00a0 I just wanted you to have something of his because you lost yours in the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFire?\u00a0\u00a0 What fire?\u201d\u00a0 That dreaded feeling was back.\u00a0 \u201cWhat fire, Jamie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm . . . um.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get Pa.\u201d Jamie, wild eyed, jumped up and backed into the hallway and called for someone to help him.\u00a0 \u201cPa!\u00a0 Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe launched himself off the bed and grabbed Jamie by the arms hard pulling him back into the room.\u00a0 \u201cWhat fire?\u201d he shouted.\u00a0 \u201cTell me, TELL ME!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you\u2019re hurting me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJOSEPH!\u00a0 Let go of him!\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa pried Joe\u2019s fingers off Jamie and pulled the boy into a hug.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 \u201cGo do your chores, I\u2019ll take care of this.\u201d\u00a0 Then he gave Jamie\u2019s neck a squeeze and a little push down the hallway.\u00a0 \u201cGo on.\u00a0 It\u2019s all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is not all right.\u00a0 Those hugs belong to me.\u00a0 I am supposed to be the youngest son.<\/em><\/p>\n

When Pa turned back to face Joe his eyes were smoldering and he had assumed The Stance.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t blame your brother.\u00a0 It was my doing.\u00a0 If you are angry with anyone, be angry with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t want to be angry, but I don\u2019t want to be lied to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have.\u00a0 Not.\u00a0 Lied.\u00a0 To you.\u201d<\/p>\n

So now I have The Look, The Voice and The Stance.\u00a0 Things are not looking good for me, but I don\u2019t care.\u00a0 How much more can I be hurt?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it you haven\u2019t told me yet?\u201d\u00a0 A horrified thought crossed Joe\u2019s mind.\u00a0 \u201cAdam?\u00a0 Is it Adam?\u201d\u00a0 Joe blanched and staggered back a step.\u00a0 He would have tripped but Ben caught his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cCalm down!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am calm!\u201d Joe shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cSit!\u201d Ben shouted even louder.<\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t help flinching at his tone.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust tell me, Pa,\u201d his voice broke. \u201cI can\u2019t take any more secrets.\u00a0 Just tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben pulled Joe into his arms and held him tight.\u00a0 It felt good.\u00a0 Oh, so good.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease sit down before you fall down.\u201d\u00a0 It was a request, not a demand so Joe did as he asked.\u00a0 Ben pulled up a chair and sat so their knees were touching.<\/p>\n

\u201cShortly after Hoss . . . died, you met a woman named Alice, fell in love and married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMarried,\u201d Joe said flatly.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

He remembered none of this.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou built a house not far from here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBelle Fleur.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe meadow Mama loved?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben blinked rapidly and gave a little gasp as if he had just figured something out, but all he said was \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no house there now.\u201d\u00a0 I know because I was up there the other day.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 It burned down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlice?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe died in the fire.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere was I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHere with Jamie and Candy.\u00a0 You were picking up more lumber for . . . ,\u201d Ben hesitated and Joe saw a flicker of fear in his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c. . . the nursery.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stared at Ben but felt nothing.\u00a0 It was as if his pa were reading from a history textbook; telling him something that happened long ago and far away to someone unknown to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re telling me I was married and going to be a father, that my wife and child died in a fire, and I wasn\u2019t there to save them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s more, isn\u2019t there.\u201d\u00a0 It was a statement, not a question.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe fire was deliberately set.\u00a0 Alice was murdered.\u00a0 You and Candy found the men responsible.\u00a0 They\u2019re dead\u2014legally\u2014tried, convicted, and hung.\u201d<\/p>\n

It still meant nothing to Joe.\u00a0 And for some reason, that made him feel worse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 11<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Much to Joe\u2019s chagrin, napping had become a habit.\u00a0 At first it was because he sorely needed the rest to help his body recover.\u00a0 But when Little Joe and Suzi had come to stay at the ranch he found he enjoyed their company and conversation.\u00a0 It reminded him of the lazy warm vacation days spent in Arizona before his world had turned upside down.\u00a0 She seemed to understand his mood better than anyone else.\u00a0 She knew what he needed and when.<\/p>\n

And now she was moving.<\/p>\n

Doctor Martin had come through with his promise and had found her a position as companion to a widow in Carson City.\u00a0 The woman had a large home and was more than delighted to share it with another widow and her son.\u00a0 In return for companionship, cooking, housekeeping, and light nursing duties, Suzi would have a home and a small stipend.\u00a0 It was perfect . . . if not for one thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cMarry me,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t love me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou love my son.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true, <\/em>Joe thought.<\/em>\u00a0 He loved everything about the boy from his incessant babbling to the sticky fingers that twisted locks of his hair while he sucked his thumb; to the way he giggled when Cochise blew softly on his chubby hand when he rubbed the pinto\u2019s velvet nose.\u00a0 Joe had never\u2014to his recollection\u2014felt such peace and contentment as when Little Joe snuggled in next to him after a vertigo-induced fall and patted his arm as if to say \u201cthere, there, it\u2019s all right\u201d or as now when he was sound asleep stretched out along Joe\u2019s torso.\u00a0 Joe unconsciously rubbed circles on the boy\u2019s back and listened to the cicadas hum.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want you to leave,\u201d he said after a time.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but it\u2019s for the best.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor whom?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou.\u00a0 Your family.\u00a0 For Little Joe and me.\u00a0 Carson City is not that far away.\u00a0 You can see him anytime you want and we\u2019ll see each other on Sundays at church.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi buried the knot in the seam and broke the thread with her teeth.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere, all fixed,\u201d she said, holding up Joe\u2019s shirt for inspection.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt won\u2019t be the same,\u201d Joe replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you talking about?\u00a0 You can\u2019t even see the rip.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou living elsewhere.\u00a0 It won\u2019t be the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suzi folded the shirt carefully and placed it on top of the laundry basket, her fingers smoothing the wrinkles from the fabric.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it won\u2019t.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve learned that life goes on.\u00a0 We make the most of what we\u2019re handed.\u00a0 We don\u2019t have any other choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLemonade from lemons?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cQuilts from scraps,\u201d she corrected.<\/p>\n

\u201cOmelets from eggs,\u201d he chuckled.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo to sleep, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuzi?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do love you,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 Just not that way.<\/em><\/p>\n

She picked up the shirt again and held it to her nostrils, breathing deeply.\u00a0 Even freshly laundered the shirt smelled of him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d she said.\u00a0 But I love you enough for the both of us.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After Suzi moved, Joe\u2019s world fell apart yet again.\u00a0 Living with him was like riding a runaway ore cart . . .one minute he was up, the next he was down.\u00a0\u00a0 The vertigo was back with a vengeance; the dizzy spells so frequent and debilitating climbing stairs was not an option so he moved back into the downstairs bedroom.\u00a0 He snapped at everyone and everything.\u00a0\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t anyone on the ranch who hadn\u2019t felt his ire; not his father, not Candy, not even Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s been three days, Clem, and he\u2019s no better.\u00a0 He just lays there in his room.\u00a0 He\u2019s not eating; he\u2019s not sleeping; he won\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 He was doing so well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me more, Ben,\u201d the Sheriff urged as he poured coffee for them both. Ben looked exhausted.\u00a0 From what had been said already Clem knew Joe had made progress since his \u201ckidnapping.\u201d\u00a0 Slow, but steady progress. \u00a0He had accepted the news about Hoss and Alice. \u00a0He was venturing away from the house, meeting ranch hands, seeing the changes that two years had brought about, asking questions, even beginning to make some decisions himself, reasserting himself into the daily affairs of the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Then something happened and Joe just gave up again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was he doing just before this happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe went to look at the new corrals.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he know about them?\u00a0 I mean maybe it was just one too many changes to absorb.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe knew.\u00a0 Candy has been keeping him apprised of everything that goes on.\u00a0 Joe added some modifications to the paddock design to give the yearlings more room.\u00a0 He went down to inspect the progress.\u00a0 We were all so pleased he was re-engaging with ranch operations.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 He was furious when he came back to the house. Angrier than I\u2019ve seen him in long, long time. I just don\u2019t know, Clem. \u00a0I\u2019m at my wit\u2019s end.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy was waiting at the new corral when Ben and Jamie rode up.<\/p>\n

\u201cOver here,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI think I found what Joe was fuming at yesterday, but I don\u2019t know why or what to make of it.\u201d\u00a0 He strode over to a stack of unsalvageable posts and rails from the old corral.\u00a0 Nearby were the remains of a bonfire that had been built to incinerate the old wood. It looked to have been extinguished prematurely. \u00a0Candy picked up a half-burned post and handed it to Ben. The post was scarred from numerous collisions with saddles and spurs, but along what must have been the outside edge were a series of evenly spaced notches, deliberately carved it appeared.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the men said this is what Joe was looking at before he stormed out of here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben turned the post over in his hand and fingered the notches.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d forgotten all about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d asked Jamie.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of those things between brothers.\u00a0 It was not long after Joe started bustin\u2019 broncs.\u00a0 He was probably fifteen, sixteen.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy whistled in appreciation.\u00a0 \u201cWas he good even then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, he was good . . . very good. It made my blood run cold every time I saw the risks he took.\u00a0 Adam was top hand then.\u00a0 What started out as a friendly competition over who would be in charge of the Army contract we had just secured turned into all-out war.\u00a0 Hoss and I had both had enough but didn\u2019t know how to end it. \u00a0Finally, Hoss suggested a bet. Whoever broke the most horses in three days would be in charge of the contracts from then on.\u00a0 Adam and Joe both kept track by notching a fence post.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy looked around at all the strewn posts and started rolling them with his boot, looking at each one.\u00a0 \u201cAll these posts are notched.\u00a0 No way two men could have broken this many horses in three days.\u00a0 Besides, that was what\u2014twenty years ago?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben crouched where Candy was standing and looked at another post, then another.\u00a0 When he stood up he walked around the fire pit to where more posts lay and checked them as well.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll of these have left-handed notches,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter all these years he was still keeping track of every horse he broke?\u201d Candy asked.<\/p>\n

Ben just shrugged.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho won the contract, Pa?\u201d Jamie asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe won, but he broke his arm on the last ride so Adam fulfilled it.\u00a0 Afterward, he turned the responsibility over to Joe permanently . . . said the better man had won.\u00a0 Hoss figured Adam had just grown tired of being sore all the time, but I felt Adam was genuinely proud of his younger brother. \u00a0And I thought being responsible for those contracts made Joe finally believe he was on equal footing with his brothers.\u201d\u00a0 Ben looked around at all the strewn logs and shook his head sadly.\u00a0 \u201cI had no idea he was still keeping track all these years. \u00a0It must have felt like his whole life\u2014all of his accomplishments were going up in smoke when he saw that bonfire.\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy kicked a log near him in anger.\u00a0 \u201cYour son, Mr. Cartwright, is a piece of work.\u201d\u00a0 And he stomped over to where his horse was tethered.<\/p>\n

\u201cCandy?\u201d asked Jamie.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTo China and back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I have to . . . !\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy found Joe in the barn cleaning a saddle.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to talk to you!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe did not look up and kept on rubbing saddle soap into the leather.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you hear me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard you.\u00a0 So talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at me when I\u2019m talking to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t take that tone with me!\u00a0 You\u2019re not my father or my bro\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014Your damn right!\u00a0 I\u2019m not your father or your brother and right now I am glad I\u2019m neither.\u00a0 But I am the foreman of this ranch for as long as your father wants me.\u00a0 And as foreman, I\u2019m telling you this . . . STOP!\u00a0\u00a0 Stop interfering with the work being done on this ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf it was being done correctly, I wouldn\u2019t have to interfere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd just what isn\u2019t being done correctly?\u00a0 What?\u00a0 The cattle?\u00a0 The Timber?\u00a0 The horses?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I mean the horses.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care about the cattle or timber.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you don\u2019t do you . . . well this ranch is more than horses, Joe.\u00a0 You used to know that and take just as much pride in seeing those other enterprises do well as the horses, or have you forgotten?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t forgotten. Have you?\u00a0 It\u2019s my job to break the horses and train them.\u00a0 Mine!\u00a0 My horses. My stables!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what were we supposed to do when you disappeared?\u00a0 There were contracts to be met, obligations to fulfill.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGriff\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

“Griff did his job.\u00a0 He took over running the horse operation with your Pa’s and my blessing.\u00a0 I had my hands full with the cattle and timber,\u00a0Jamie was away at prep school, and your Pa was consumed with trying to find you.<\/p>\n

“Sure, you can step back in and manage the business end\u2014Griff would be happy as a flea in a doghouse if he could go back to bustin’ broncs and leave the books to you as he never was one much for ciphering\u2014but you\u2019re a fool if you don\u2019t leave the day-to-day operations in his hands.\u00a0 He’s done a fine job managing the wranglers and the horses.\u00a0 He\u00a0met\u00a0every one of those\u00a0Army contracts\u00a0you had lined up\u00a0and he brought in new business when those were finished.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd whether you like it or not you’ve got to face it, Joe.\u00a0 Your bronco busting days are over.\u00a0 They weren’t going to last that much longer anyway and you know it\u2014not with the injuries you’ve sustained over the years.\u00a0 Your body’s had it.<\/p>\n

“Even training\u2019s not an option unless you can get the vertigo under control and, from what the doc says,\u00a0I don’t know that you can control it because it’s just something that happens to you without warning.\u00a0 Am I wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Joe said barely above a whisper, but Candy didn\u2019t stop long enough to hear his response.<\/p>\n

“But the breeding end of the business\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0now that’s something you’re good at.\u00a0 The name Joe Cartwright and JFC Stables still carries weight in the horse world even though you’ve been out of it for two years and why\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0because of Billy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted.<\/p>\n

“Yes, you heard me\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0because of Billy Fenn.\u00a0 You remember him as that scrawny kid you hauled out of a bog with a bum leg and an attitude to match.\u00a0 But he’s changed and you’re the one responsible for much of that change whether you remember it or not.\u00a0 You taught him about being a\u00a0part of\u00a0something\u00a0larger than himself, about caring for others,\u00a0and you gave him something he never had before. . .self-respect.\u00a0 Shoot, you’ve been more of a father to him than the so-called man\u00a0who sired him and then\u00a0threw him away like a piece of garbage when his leg got mangled.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe’s\u00a0got a good eye for horse flesh and he took to the business like a duck to water.\u00a0 Look at the stud book and you’ll see what he’s done.\u00a0 Give him a chance to\u00a0show\u00a0you what he’s accomplished.\u00a0 He’s beggin’ for your approval but he’s afraid\u00a0you’ll bite\u00a0his head off the way you’ve been snappin’ at everybody lately.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there anything else you want to say, Mr. Foreman?\u201d<\/p>\n

Candy shook his head sadly and turned toward the door but he stood still.\u00a0 When he turned back, he regarded Joe for a long time.<\/p>\n

Joe defiantly jutted his jaw forward and returned the gaze.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve been through a lot together you and me.\u00a0 You showed me what the word \u2018home\u2019 truly means . . .what being part of a family means.\u00a0 And not just me; you and your pa have done that for countless folk.\u00a0 I love you like a brother, Joe, and as a brother I\u2019m telling you your life is more than a series of notches on a fence post.\u00a0 It\u2019s about people. People you love and care for and who care about you because all this \u00a0. . . ,\u201d Candy waived his arm, \u201c. . . all this means nothing without them.\u00a0 Not the timber, not the cattle, not the horses. \u00a0And if you can\u2019t understand that your father will give all this away in a heartbeat at any time to save a son . . . well then memory or no memory, you will never be able to come home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was stunned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapter 12<\/strong><\/p>\n

The house was a tomb.\u00a0 With Little Joe gone\u2014happily ensconced in his new home in Carson City, Joe felt like he was in mourning. \u00a0He missed Suzi and her son more than he imagined possible.\u00a0 His pa was in town at a council meeting and wouldn\u2019t be home until later. Candy was riding fence. Griff and Billy had gone with the ranch hands over to Cooper Flats for a few days to participate in a rodeo sponsored by the Carson Valley Cattleman\u2019s Association. Jamie had fled back to school.\u00a0 Even Hop Sing conjured up a sick cousin to go visit.<\/p>\n

Joe marveled at how Suzi\u2019s folks could disown her simply for marrying a Yankee and yet his pa could forgive him for untold indiscretions, disappointments, and bad behavior and still be his constant supporter, his north star, the fixed point of his universe.<\/p>\n

He concluded that parenting was not for the faint-hearted.\u00a0 He never told anyone, not his family\u2014and certainly not Suzi\u2014that he had lost Little Joe one day when he was watching him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know how it had happened.\u00a0 He had been holding the boy\u2019s hand as they took a walk around the garden looking for little critters like snails and June bugs when he let go for just a second to dead head some petunias and in that fraction of time the boy disappeared.<\/p>\n

At first Joe thought he was playing hide and seek under the bushes, so he got down on his hands and knees and called, \u201cWhere are you?\u201d in the funny voice Little Joe giggled at.\u00a0 But there was no laughter.\u00a0 Joe ran around the house twice looking in the wood box, under tables and chairs, in the storeroom, even places Little Joe couldn\u2019t possibly be like the root cellar, but he was frantic and reason had left him.<\/p>\n

Then he heard Cochise.\u00a0 Cochise!\u00a0 I turned Cochise out in the upper corral!\u00a0 <\/em>Joe sprinted into the yard and sure enough, Little Joe had crawled through the fence and was sitting contentedly in the dirt petting Cochise\u2019s nose with the palm of his hand, laughing when the horse nuzzled him.\u00a0 Joe was sure he had aged 10 years in last few minutes, but the most sobering thought he had\u2014after Little Joe was safely retrieved, cleaned up and put down for a nap\u2014was of all occasions he had unintentionally frightened his father by not coming home on time.\u00a0 Oh, Pa!\u00a0 I am so sorry!<\/em><\/p>\n

The quarter-hour chimes from the clock in the great room brought him back to the present and he resumed his review of the ledgers for JFC Stables.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long, however, before he was lost in thought once again reflecting on what he had discovered in the past week.<\/p>\n

He had examined the stud book as Candy had asked.\u00a0 It was not only accurately kept and well annotated, but in the last two years Billy had made some brilliant choices regarding crossbreeding and back breeding that improved the line.\u00a0 Joe had sought Billy out and told him so.\u00a0 As Candy had predicted, the sun paled in comparison to the smile that lit Billy\u2019s face when his work was acknowledged and praised.\u00a0 It was a lesson Joe wouldn\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n

The next revelation was when he watched Griff work.\u00a0 The young man was very, very good at breaking horses.\u00a0 If he was nervous having Joe observe, he didn\u2019t show it.\u00a0 He kept his head and deftly handled the wildest horses in the herd.\u00a0 When Joe called him over, he approached a little warily, but who could blame him?\u00a0\u00a0 Joe gave him praise where it was due and correction where it was needed.\u00a0 For his part, Griff took the direction without rancor and his next ride was even better.\u00a0 Satisfied, Joe turned to leave and saw Candy leaning up against the buggy.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about a drink?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t drink anymore . . . I have enough problems staying off the floor without it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a beer then.\u00a0 I know a place where they serve it watered down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t by any chance be thinking of Biederman\u2019s would you?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

Candy grinned.\u00a0 \u201cI might.\u201d<\/p>\n

The hour chimes brought Joe back to the present once again.\u00a0 He was hungry and his pa would be home shortly.\u00a0 Joe went to the kitchen and retrieved from the ice box the cold supper Hop Sing had prepared earlier.\u00a0 He set the table and selected a bottle of wine.\u00a0 After decanting it, he knew there was one more thing he had to do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When Ben knocked on the downstairs bedroom door, he hadn\u2019t fully expected Joe to hear him, let alone open the door with a big smile and look him in the eye. \u00a0Not only that, but he was clean shaven.\u00a0 It seemed Joe had finally come to terms with the man in the mirror.<\/p>\n

Hiding his surprise as best he could, Ben took his seat at the dining table but was mystified when Joe walked around the table to sit in chair Hoss always took.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t,\u201d Joe said finally.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t what?\u201d Ben asked, as he removed the lids from the fruit salad and platter of fried chicken.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t look at his empty chair, especially since we\u2019re having chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n

Images of his middle son, checkered napkin tucked securely under his chin rubbing his hands together in glee over a platter of fried chicken filled Ben\u2019s field of vision.\u00a0 Joe must have remembered the same thing because he covered his eyes with his hands and tried to swallow the sob that rose involuntarily.<\/p>\n

Ben rested his arms on the table and closed his eyes.\u00a0 To Joe, this is all new, fresh grief<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0He doesn’t remember how long it took for each of us\u2014at our own pace\u2014to accept\u00a0that life would go on and that we would go on, too, because that’s what Hoss would have wanted.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben\u00a0opened his eyes to see Joe staring at him, his face contorted with emotion.<\/p>\n

“S-Sorry,” Joe stammered as he tentatively slid his right arm towards Ben.<\/p>\n

Ben laced his left hand with Joe\u2019s right and held it tightly.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know what to say that hadn\u2019t already been said before, so instead he said simply, “I know.”<\/p>\n

“No chair.\u00a0 No chicken.”<\/p>\n

“I understand\u00a0not wanting to look at his empty chair, Joe.\u00a0 But why no chicken?\u00a0 You like Hop Sing’s fried chicken.”<\/p>\n

“Can’t eat it .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0not now, Pa.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t.\u00a0 It reminds me too much of him.”<\/p>\n

Suddenly it occurred to Ben that\u00a0it didn’t matter that they\u2019d been through all this before.\u00a0 Joe\u00a0didn’t remember any of it\u2014not the agony of those first few\u00a0days following Hoss’ death, nor the\u00a0weeks of\u00a0shared tears and heartache\u00a0as father and son forced themselves to go on with daily\u00a0ranch life, nor the months\u00a0of suffering gut wrenching memory\u00a0bellyaches\u00a0over even the slightest reminder of the big man they had both loved more than life itself\u2014all of what went before was lost to Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben stared\u00a0back at\u00a0his son blankly for a moment and then looked down at his chicken and his shoulders began to shake.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d Joe asked, worried.<\/p>\n

“Can you imagine?” Ben chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cA world without chicken!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo chicken and dumplings!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe’s eyes widened and he looked at his father\u00a0as if\u00a0he were having a fit.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo chicken catch . . . cacciatore! Or coq au vin!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes darted toward the kitchen and then towards the living room, but he remembered there was no one home; no one to help him halt his father\u2019s descent into madness.<\/p>\n

“What will Hop Sing do with all those chickens out back?” Ben repeatedly slapped the table with his right hand and bent over his plate laughing.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s puzzled expression registered with Ben, but he couldn\u2019t stop himself.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t help it, Joe.\u00a0 Think about it,\u201d he said as he tried to stifle his laughter.\u00a0 “If we stopped eating everything Hoss loved, we\u2019d starve!” and the guffaws continued anew.<\/p>\n

Comprehension poked its way slowly into Joe\u2019s consciousness.\u00a0 “No pork chops?” he said tentatively.<\/p>\n

“No steak and potatoes,” added Ben, his barrel chest heaving.<\/p>\n

“Or flapjacks,” Joe said getting into the spirit of things.\u00a0 \u201cOr short ribs!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd remember those cherry turnovers Hoss swiped from the kitchen and we found him asleep in the barn covered\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014in cherry juice\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014and we thought he was bleeding.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was now laughing as hard as Ben, rocking back and forth in his chair.<\/p>\n

“Or apple pie,”\u00a0Ben added, wiping his eyes with his napkin.<\/p>\n

“Cheese,” Joe said soberly, sitting up straight.<\/p>\n

“What?”<\/p>\n

“We could eat cheese.\u00a0 He didn’t like cheese.”<\/p>\n

“Even on apple pie!” father and son uttered simultaneously bursting into renewed peals of\u00a0laughter.<\/p>\n

Eventually the laughter subsided and they resumed eating. Throughout it all, Ben realized Joe had never let go of his hand.\u00a0 Fried chicken was just the first of many memory bellyaches Joe would have to endure, but he would endure, of that Ben was certain now.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, Joe,\u201d he began.\u00a0 \u201cIt still brings me up short at times\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0looking down the table at Adam\u2019s empty chair.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked to his left and then back to his father and saw his eyes wet once again.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s all right to let those feelings wash over you when they come\u2014and they will come, sometimes when you least expect them.\u00a0 Just don\u2019t wallow in them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWarm spot in the heart?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Ben said, remembering the advice once given to him by his father-in-law, and passed on to his sons more than once.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow what, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you get by?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBy remembering the good times; the singing, the parties, Adam reading by the fire; you and Hoss playing checkers; the water trough; Christmas, birthdays\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. years filled with laughter.\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s gaze wandered around the great room as he spoke.\u00a0 \u201cOh, how your mother could laugh .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0and you, Joe; you laugh just like her.\u00a0 How I have missed that laugh.\u201d\u00a0 Ben squeezed Joe\u2019s hand as he said it.<\/p>\n

Joe wasn\u2019t sure whether he meant his mother\u2019s or his, but he suspected after all they\u2019d been through of late maybe it was a little bit of both.\u00a0 He returned the squeeze, as hard as he could which was\u2014Ben noted\u2014not hard at all.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all Candy and Jamie were trying to do, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe looked up quizzically.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know they both said things to you that might have hurt, but they did so with the best of intentions.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe pulled his hand away from Ben and let it fall to his side.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry for all the worry and hurt I\u2019ve caused you.\u00a0 Not just in the last two years, but all my life.\u00a0 I am just beginning to realize how tough it is to be parent,\u201d he said again.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe?\u201d Ben asked, amused.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you only knew!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll have to tell me about it sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will.\u00a0 And about Candy, Griff, and Billy . . . I\u2019ve already apologized to them.\u00a0 And I wrote to Jamie.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure they\u2019ll forgive you.\u00a0 They\u2019re family.\u00a0 No matter what, they love you . . . just as I do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hurt you.\u00a0 Being gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, Joe.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t do it on purpose and you\u2019re back now.\u00a0 Everything will be all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome home, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Chapter 13<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>The knock at the door came unexpectedly during breakfast one morning.\u00a0\u00a0 Candy, sitting at the end of the table, rose to answer.\u00a0 He returned a moment later with an envelope and handed it to Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cA wire, sir. Boy\u2019s on the porch waiting for your response.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben took the envelope and perused its contents not once but twice his brows knitting together in obvious dismay.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Pa?\u201d asked Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJamie all right?\u201d\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cNo . . . I mean it\u2019s nothing to do with Jamie.\u00a0 It\u2019s from Fort McDermit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrouble?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo . . . just something I need to take care of.\u201d\u00a0 Ben went outside to give his response to the errand boy and then returned to the table reading the message once more before tucking it into his shirt pocket.\u00a0 After exchanging looks, shrugs and shaken heads, Joe, Candy, and Griff focused their attention on Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be gone a week, maybe two; think you can manage without me?\u201d he said, looking\u00a0 around the table, settling on Candy with an unspoken question.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll keep Joe out of trouble, sir,\u201d Candy responded.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yeah?\u00a0 Who\u2019s going to keep you in line?\u201d Joe smirked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess that would be me,\u201d said Griff, who was immediately pelted with biscuits.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s enough, boys,\u201d Ben said sternly, but a smile betrayed his gruffness.\u00a0 It is good to hear banter at the table again.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It had been several years since Ben had been up to Fort McDermit near the Idaho border.\u00a0 The Fort had been built back in the mid-60s to protect the stage route and wagon road from Virginia City to Star City during a period of continuing unrest between white settlers and the Bannock and Shoshone.\u00a0 Of late, relations had been quiet but despite what he told Joe, Ben was concerned the urgent message from Fort\u2019s commander was an indicator that something was astir.\u00a0 His fears were heightened when he was met by an escort detail at the stage depot in Star City and ushered into the commander\u2019s office without preliminaries as soon as they reached the Fort.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright!\u00a0 Good to see you!\u00a0 It\u2019s been a long time.\u201d\u00a0 Colonel George Leopold Thompson was an impressive man, 6\u20196\u201d in height, with coal black hair and piercing green eyes.\u00a0 Ben had to look up to see him.<\/p>\n

\u201cGeorge.\u201d\u00a0 They shook hands but Ben did not take the seat that was offered to him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s this about?\u00a0 Why the detail?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a courtesy, sir.\u00a0 Please, sit down and we can get caught up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGeorge, I appreciate the courtesy, but I would prefer to learn why you have summoned me here so urgently.\u00a0 Is it the Bannocks?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, sir.\u00a0 No Indian trouble.\u00a0 Let\u2019s\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell then what in tarnation\u2014!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014go to the infirmary,\u201d the colonel replied.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s someone who has been asking for you.\u00a0 I think I\u2019d better let the doctor explain.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bewildered, Ben followed the commander across the rectangular parade ground, past the stables, barracks, and storehouses to the hospital.\u00a0 A soldier snapped smartly to attention when they arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cSir!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt ease Sergeant.\u00a0 Please tell Major Bell Mr. Cartwright has arrived.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir!\u00a0 Right away, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was only moments before the Sergeant reappeared and issued them into the Major\u2019s office without delay.<\/p>\n

Major Theodore Bell was as short and round as the Colonel was tall and lean and Ben would have laughed to see them side-by-side if he wasn\u2019t still frustrated by his ignorance as to why he was there.\u00a0 Thankfully, the Major did not waste time or prevaricate.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I appreciate you coming.\u00a0 I have a patient who has been quite determined to speak with you before meeting his maker.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m afraid I don\u2019t understand, Major.\u00a0 Aside from Colonel Thompson, I don\u2019t know anyone at this post.\u00a0 Whom do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA former frontier scout, hermit of sorts now; name of August . . . Zachariah August.\u00a0 He stumbled in here about a week ago dehydrated, fevered.\u00a0 No communicable disease; cancer, I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0 He knows he doesn\u2019t have long to live and insisted on seeing you.\u00a0 I think the anticipation of your arrival has been the only thing keeping him alive these last few days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMajor, I am totally at a loss; I do not recall ever meeting anyone by that name.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI believe he knew your son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy son?\u201d\u00a0 Ben was at first stymied then gasped, \u201cJoe?\u00a0\u00a0 He knows Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s find out.\u201d \u00a0Major Bell led the way out of his office down the corridor into a large ward.\u00a0 There were only a few patients currently occupying the room, most of them in casts or traction.\u00a0 On a bed in the far corner was an old man with matted curly hair, skin the color of tanned leather, looking very small and frail against the fresh white sheet that covered him.<\/p>\n

An orderly who was just removing soiled linens stopped to whisper a quick word to the Major before leaving the room.\u00a0 The Major nodded and turned to the Colonel and his guest.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s been drifting in and out of a coma.\u00a0 As I told you, there is very little time left.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sat down in the chair next to the bed, picked up the old man\u2019s hand and held it in his own.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. August, my name is Ben Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

When there was no immediate response, Ben repeated his name.\u00a0 \u201cMr. August?\u00a0 Please, open your eyes.\u00a0 Tell me about my son, how do you know Joe Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGus.\u00a0 Folks just call me Gus.\u201d\u00a0 The old man opened his eyes and slowly focused on Ben, taking in the white hair, chocolate brown eyes . . . just as sonny had described him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou be sonny\u2019s pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSonny? I\u2019m Ben Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPon . . . pondi . . .\u00a0 \u2018Ginia City way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, that\u2019s right.\u00a0 The Ponderosa \u00a0Ranch.\u00a0 Joseph is my son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood boy, that sonny.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou his pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Gus.\u00a0 I\u2019m his pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe git home? \u00a0Home to big water?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 How do you know my son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSally?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was bewildered by the inquiry and looked over at the officers.\u00a0 The colonel placed his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder and whispered.\u00a0 \u201cSally is his mule.\u00a0 She\u2019s in the stables.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded and squeezed Gus\u2019s hand.\u00a0 \u201cSally is just fine, Gus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou tell sonny . . . time he be carin\u2019 fer Sally.\u00a0 Earn his keep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGus, tell me about Joe.\u00a0 Tell me about sonny.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSonny\u2019s a good boy.\u00a0 T\u2019weren\u2019t right in the head when I done found him.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t know his name.\u00a0 S\u2019why I called him sonny.\u00a0 Knew where he was goin\u2019 though.\u00a0 North.\u00a0 Always north . . . looking for water.\u201d<\/p>\n

The old man closed his eyes and drifted a bit before going on.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cFound him in a cave near Potosi.\u00a0 Near dead, but he fought.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he\u2019s is a fighter,\u201d Ben agreed.\u00a0 \u201cHas been since the day he was born.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFigured him for a scrapper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded silently in agreement.\u00a0 Still is<\/em>.\u00a0 \u201cHow was he hurt, Gus, do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlways headed north.\u00a0 Big water.<\/p>\n

\u201cGus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 What should I know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever forgot . . . not like my Jerry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jerry?<\/em>\u00a0 Ben glanced again at the officers, but neither had a clue about who Jerry was.<\/p>\n

\u201cNever came home . . . .\u201d\u00a0 Tears began rolling slowly down the old man\u2019s cheeks, into his hair, onto the pillow.\u00a0 \u201cA pa should know where his boy is.\u00a0 Looked for him.\u00a0 Never stopped.\u00a0 Never.\u201d\u00a0 Gus closed his eyes again.\u00a0 His breaths were coming harder now.\u00a0 The Major picked up his other hand and took his pulse then shook his head.\u00a0 But Gus hadn\u2019t given up yet.\u00a0 He coughed.\u00a0 Ben wiped the spittle from his mouth and continued to hold his hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cI understand, Gus.\u00a0 A pa never gives up on his son.\u00a0 I never gave up looking for Jo\u2014sonny\u2014never.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSonny\u2019s a good boy.\u00a0 Earns his keep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad he earned his keep while he was with you, Gus.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHad no name . . . called him sonny.\u00a0 Always lookin\u2019 for home.\u00a0 North.\u00a0 Headin\u2019 north to find water . . . til\u2014”<\/p>\n

\u201cUntil?\u00a0 Until what, Gus?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014til he \u2018membered.\u00a0 Cartwright.\u00a0 Pondi . . . \u2018ginia city . . . home.\u00a0 He come home?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWanted you to know iffin he didn\u2019t make it . . . he was always tryin\u2019 . . . never gave up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe came home.\u00a0 My boy came home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot my Jerry.\u201d\u00a0 Another spasm hit Gus and he arched his back in pain clutching Ben\u2019s hand to his chest.\u00a0 Quietly the Major slipped a needle into the old man\u2019s free arm.\u00a0 As the pain subsided, Gus struggled to continue.<\/p>\n

\u201cNeeded to know if sonny got home . . . my Jerry never came home.\u00a0 Failed him som\u2019thin\u2019 awful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Gus.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t fail your son.\u00a0 You never gave up on him, never stopped looking for him.\u00a0 That\u2019s all a pa can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was so much more Ben wanted to know.\u00a0 How was Joe injured and when?\u00a0 Where had he been? When did Gus find him?\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t they seek help?<\/em>\u00a0 But all that really mattered was that Gus had cared for and kept Joe safe long enough for him to find his way home.<\/p>\n

Thank you, Lord.\u00a0 Bless this man and grant him peace.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cTell sonny . . . he need be lookin\u2019 after Sally now.\u00a0 He all she got.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll see to it.\u00a0 Sally will have a good home on the Ponderosa; green pastures, lots of water,\u201d Ben assured him then placed the palm of his free hand flat on the old man\u2019s head as if in benediction.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime for you to go home now, Gus.\u00a0 Close your eyes.\u00a0 He\u2019s waiting for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Moments later, Gus took his last breath.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Later that day a telegram arrived from Washington conferring burial rights with full military honors on Zachariah Benton August for his service to his country as a U.S. Army Frontier Scout during the Indian Wars. \u00a0As an addendum, the wire included information that Jeremiah Benton August, burial place unknown, was believed to be one of 2 civilians among the 81 men who perished December 21, 1866 during the Fetterman Massacre in Wyoming.<\/p>\n

\u00a0_____________________________________________________________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben remained at the Fort three more days after the funeral staying with Colonel Thompson and his family. \u00a0They had met fifteen years earlier when Adam was one of the volunteer soldiers from Washoe who joined up with Army regulars at the second Pyramid Lake battle.\u00a0 Thompson was a West Point graduate and newly commissioned.\u00a0 As a civil engineer, he and Adam had much in common and following the battle George spent time at the ranch whenever he could get a pass.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

The visit was a welcome interlude after the strain of the last few months.\u00a0 George reminded Ben so much of Adam whom he sorely missed. \u00a0Being with George and seeing him happily married with children of his own stirred a long-buried hope in Ben that his first born had found similar happiness in the years since he left the Ponderosa.\u00a0 If only I could know for certain.<\/em>\u00a0 Ben and George each recounted to the other family events over the intervening years. \u00a0Ben promised to share news of Adam when he heard from him and George in turn promised to find out what he could about Gus\u2019s movements during the time he would have known Joe, although privately he was doubtful much would be discovered.<\/p>\n

Arrangements were made to have Sally sent to Virginia City with the next patrol headed south while Ben took the stage.\u00a0\u00a0 The whole Thompson family saw him off\u2014George\u2019s wife Elise placed a basket of food on the seat of the stagecoach; the children\u2014unbidden\u2014bestowed hugs and kisses on \u201cUncle\u201d Ben; and George gave him a firm, but warm handshake and sent along his best wishes to Joe and Hop Sing, whom he remembered fondly.\u00a0 He had, of course, never met Jamie or the other new household members. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

As the coach headed south, Ben found himself thinking of Adam once more; wondering where he was and if he was happy but then reconsidered.\u00a0 \u201cHappy\u201d was not a word that was ever descriptive of Adam.\u00a0 Perhaps \u201ccontented\u201d was more apt.\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s it.\u00a0 I hope Adam is content in the life he\u2019s chosen.<\/em><\/p>\n

He thought Adam would be pleased that he had become reacquainted with George and vowed to keep in touch with the Thompsons so he would have something to write about if\u2014no, when<\/em>\u2014he heard from Adam again.<\/p>\n

A pa should know where his boy is.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

The words reverberated in Ben\u2019s head.\u00a0 Gus never gave up searching for his son.\u00a0 Does Adam lie in some unmarked grave like Jeremiah?<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 His heart skipped a beat at the very thought.\u00a0 Gus never gave up searching for his son.\u00a0 Why have I?<\/em>\u00a0 \u00a0Ben made another vow that he would re-engage the Pinkerton Agency as soon as he got home.<\/p>\n

Home.<\/p>\n

Against unimaginable odds, Joe had made his way home in mind, body, and spirit.\u00a0 God willing, so would Adam.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Epilogue<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What a difference a year makes<\/em>, I thought.<\/p>\n

It was early summer.\u00a0 I was home and the house was filled with the sounds of life.<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa leaned against the frame of the open window in the dining room, drinking a cup of coffee, gazing through the tall pines to the mountains barely visible in the fading twilight.\u00a0 A warm breeze ruffled his hair and I could imagine him at the rail of his ship, feeling the trade winds every sailor savors.\u00a0 Trade winds that\u00a0blow a sailor home from the sea.<\/em><\/p>\n

The noises from the kitchen drew Pa\u2019s attention to the activities inside the house.<\/p>\n

Having put Little Joe to bed, Suzi was helping Hop Sing with the supper dishes and the baking for Sunday\u2019s dinner.\u00a0 It had been a long time since our cook had willingly let a woman share his kitchen.\u00a0 Pa and I shared a smile; we were both thinking the same thing.<\/p>\n

Seated with me at the dining table was Billy.\u00a0 We were discussing the Battle Born Horsebreeders Association auction and debating the pros and cons of pairing each mare in JFC Stables with our newly acquired stallion.<\/p>\n

Candy and Griff were playing checkers on the table by the fire, just as Hoss and I used to do.\u00a0 And there, in the blue chair, sat Jamie reading a veterinary textbook.<\/p>\n

The sounds washed over us like waves upon the shore. \u00a0Life still has its mysteries but it is no longer a misery to me. \u00a0<\/em>When Pa put down his cup suddenly and headed for the stairs I asked if something were wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 Just tired.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll write to Adam and then turn in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSee you in the morning, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave a good rest, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d said Griff.<\/p>\n

\u201cNite, sir,\u201d echoed Candy.<\/p>\n

\u201cSleep tight, Pa,\u201d Jamie added.<\/p>\n

I noticed he made a point to put his hand on everyone\u2019s shoulder and murmur a response to each as he made his way toward the staircase.\u00a0 As he climbed, the hum of the household resumed and everyone returned to their activities.\u00a0 At the top landing he turned and surveyed the great room.\u00a0 Like a captain on the quarter deck of his ship.<\/em><\/p>\n

The hum was growing louder and was occasionally punctuated by laughter.\u00a0\u00a0 I decided to join in.<\/p>\n

\u201cGriff,\u201d I called.\u00a0 \u201cDo you know the difference between a table and an ottoman?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen take your feet off the table.\u201d<\/p>\n

I heard Pa laugh at that and it made me feel warm inside. \u00a0Looking around the room I feel the presence of those we\u2019ve lost.\u00a0 Each of us has known sorrow and dealt with it in our own way and we have all been touched by emptiness and loneliness.<\/p>\n

I told both Candy and Jamie that it took more than blood to make a brother . . . or a family . . . and more than a house to make a home.\u00a0 It took love.\u00a0 As I look around at the family we\u2019ve created\u2014Pa and me\u2014I know without a doubt that there would always be love in this house. \u00a0But\u00a0I don\u2019t know when\u2014if ever\u2014the ranch will know a woman’s touch again.<\/p>\n

This is a man’s house.<\/p>\n

Maybe that is as it should be.\u00a0 The Ponderosa is a man\u2019s sanctuary.\u00a0 The tall pines have sheltered the Cartwrights for a lifetime.\u00a0 And now not just I, but Candy, Jamie, Griff, Billy, and even Little Joe have found their way home to the warm embrace of the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

It is, indeed, a little piece of heaven.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

The End<\/p>\n

August 2012<\/p>\n

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/strong><\/p>\n

End Notes:<\/p>\n

The Indian word \u201cTahoe\u201d means \u201cbig water.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fort McDermit was the longest active Army fort in Nevada, lasting twenty-four years from 1865 to 1889.\u00a0\u00a0The garrison was comprised of two companies, one of cavalry and one of infantry.\u00a0Its purpose was to protect the stage route and wagon road from Virginia City through Star City, Nevada in the Quinn River Valley and on to Boise City, Idaho.\u00a0\u00a0Its troops participated in operations against the Bannock and Shoshone Indians and in the Snake War, Bannock War, and the Modoc War.\u00a0\u00a0Zachariah August, Jeremiah August, Colonel Thompson, and Major Bell are fictional characters.<\/p>\n

On June 2, 1860 the second battle at Pyramid Lake took place.\u00a0Volunteer soldiers from California and Washoe numbering 544 joined up with 207 regulars of the United States Army under the command of Captain Joseph Stewart. The battle lasted three hours and ended in a draw.\u00a0\u00a0Only three whites were killed; the number of Native American losses was unknown but presumed light.\u00a0\u00a0Although the battle had been closely fought, the Paiute forces slipped away at night, leaving the strategic victory in the hands of the whites.\u00a0\u00a0Source:\u00a0\u00a0onlinenevada.org<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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When Joe Cartwright returns to the Ponderosa after his annual month-long vacation, he discovers a world turned upside down where nothing is the same.\u00a0
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