{"id":2041,"date":"2010-09-07T13:32:39","date_gmt":"2010-09-07T17:32:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2041"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:23:41","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:23:41","slug":"picking-up-the-threads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2041","title":{"rendered":"Picking up the Threads (by JoanS)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Ben finds it difficult to re-enter his boys\u2019 lives after Marie\u2019s death<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K (13,335 words)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Picking up the Threads<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright stretched his legs out in front of him and sighed.\u00a0 He really was so sick and tired of sitting here and desperately needed to get out of the jolting stagecoach if only for a little while.\u00a0 Now that his journey was nearly at an end his impatience to see his boys again was hitting him with full force and it was all he could do to stop crying out his impatience to the other passengers in the stagecoach.\u00a0 He drew out his watch and looked at yet again, knowing full well what it would say.<\/p>\n

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There were times when Ben wondered how he had stayed away as long as he had.\u00a0 In the beginning it had seemed the right thing to do, but then he had not been himself.\u00a0 He\u2019d been operating on automatic in so many ways and when Paul Martin had advised him to get away it had seemed like a wonderful thing to do.\u00a0 Part of him had died with his beloved Marie and all he had wanted to do was to run away from everything at the time \u2026 even his boys. Paul had convinced him that in order to help himself to come out of his depression he had no choice but to go and he knew that the doctor had been right, but now that he could see things a lot clearer he wondered how it had affected the boys and what they must have thought about it.<\/p>\n

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Of course Adam had been most understanding. The more Ben thought about it, the more he realised just what a wonderful son he had in Adam. After all, the boy was only seventeen and yet he had taken on more during these past weeks than many grown men would have been capable of handling. When he\u2019d first decided to go away for this trip, Ben had toyed with the idea of sending Little Joe to stay with neighbours, but Adam and Hoss wouldn\u2019t hear of it.\u00a0 Both of them had insisted on keeping him with them at the ranch, even though for Adam it had probably meant a great burden on top of trying to keep things running on The Ponderosa at the same time.<\/p>\n

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Ben was determined to make it up to his son.\u00a0 He knew how lucky he was to have such support from the boy and now that he was feeling more in control of his life he made a mental note to ensure that Adam had some time for himself.\u00a0 Ben intended to come home with a determination to pick up the threads of his life again and make sure that he was there for all his boys, as he hadn\u2019t been before in the weeks leading up to this trip.<\/p>\n

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He fingered the letters in his pocket that he carried with him always, and took them out again to re-read for perhaps the fiftieth time.\u00a0 Reading them always made him feel closer to his boys and he took great delight in doing so.\u00a0 He opened Adam\u2019s first.<\/p>\n

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Dear Pa,<\/p>\n

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Thank you for your last letter.\u00a0 I\u2019m so glad that you are doing so much better now and look forward to seeing you on the 9th. We have all missed you a great deal while you\u2019ve been away and are enjoying the thought of all being together again.\u00a0 Hop Sing has been wonderful in helping to look after the boys for me.\u00a0 I honestly don\u2019t know what I would have done without him.<\/p>\n

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Things are going OK on the ranch.\u00a0 Charlie has been fantastic and helps me decide when things need to be done without letting on to the men that he is advising me.\u00a0 I must be honest and say that I have found it challenging, but I\u2019m sure that you will find things running smoothly.<\/p>\n

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I have included a letter from Hoss and Joe for you. \u00a0Little Joe said to tell you that his crosses stand for kisses.\u00a0 I will bring them both in to meet you on the stage when you arrive.<\/p>\n

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We are all looking forward to seeing you so much Pa.\u00a0 We\u2019ve missed you!<\/p>\n

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Love from<\/p>\n

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Adam<\/p>\n

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Ben frowned as he folded the letter up again.\u00a0 Reading between the lines he could sense how pressured Adam had probably been while his father was away. Ben hated the thought that he had been responsible for the boy\u2019s stress, yet he knew that if he hadn\u2019t gone that he never would have had the opportunity to pull himself back and be the kind of father to his sons that he had to be now that \u2026. His heart lurched as it always did as he thought of Marie \u2026. now that he was the only parent they had.<\/p>\n

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Even though he was so anxious to see the boys, a great part of him dreaded getting back to the Ponderosa \u2026 for it would be a Ponderosa without her.\u00a0 Ben closed his eyes momentarily as the old pain washed over him again and then opened them with determination.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t allow himself to wallow in his own self-pity again \u2026 not while his boys needed him.\u00a0 With a sigh, he opened Hoss\u2019 letter.<\/p>\n

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Dear Pa,<\/p>\n

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Adam says that your comeing home next week.\u00a0 I am hapy that you are.\u00a0 Me and Adam and Joe miss you heeps Pa. It will be great to have you home agen. I have been busy helping Adam with lots of work.\u00a0 I also help with keeping Joe busy for him. Joe crys sometimes cause he misses ma and you. Adam lets him sleep in his bed when he does. Hop Sing has been taking good care of us and cooks us lots of good things. Adam is runing the ranch well and I help him.\u00a0 I do lots of extra chores to help him.\u00a0 Adam gets tired.\u00a0 One night he fell asleep downstairs and didn\u2019t wake up until morning. I will be hapy when you come home Pa. I miss you.<\/p>\n

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Love from<\/p>\n

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Hoss<\/p>\n

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Ben smiled to himself as he folded the letter up.\u00a0 Typical Hoss, he thought.\u00a0 At eleven, the boy was caught in between being a young boy and striving to be a man like his father and brother.\u00a0 Ben read between the lines a young and saw a young and frightened youngster who needed his Pa, yet one who was determined to do the right thing and support his brothers.\u00a0 Hoss had found it very difficult to understand why Ben had left the way he had and Ben had found it hard to leave him at the time.\u00a0 He was determined to make it up to his son now and give him the time that he needed.\u00a0 They also needed the time to talk about his stepmother\u2019s death and how it had affected him. Ben knew that he had his work cut out for him now that he was back and whole again.\u00a0 With a small smile, he opened the last letter.<\/p>\n

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X<\/strong>
\nX\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>X<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>
\nX<\/strong>
\nJospeh<\/strong><\/p>\n

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His heart lurched again as he looked down at the scribblings of the little boy on the page in front of him.\u00a0 Marie\u2019s little boy \u2026 her pride and joy. Ben hated himself for how he\u2019d turned away from the child in those weeks before he\u2019d left, but he just hadn\u2019t had it in him to face the one thing that reminded him so much of his beloved Marie. He knew that he would be coming home to a very confused little boy and he longed to be able to take the child in his arms this very minute and soothe away all the hurts of the past weeks. Thank God for his older two boys and Hop Sing, who would have ensured that Little Joe had been well cared for during this time. He ached now to take his youngest son back to himself and cherish him for the link that he was to his mother.<\/p>\n

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Ben sighed again as he folded the last letter and replaced them all in his pocket. He shut his eyes, willing the stagecoach onward to Virginia City, his home and his boys.<\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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Ben\u2019s heart rose as he looked out of the window and saw the familiar mountains in the distance as they turned the last bend that would finally take him to his beloved boys.\u00a0 He sighed with satisfaction and beamed around at the others in the small confined stagecoach. \u2018Well we finally made it,\u2019 he said happily. \u2018Been nice travelling with you.\u2019\u00a0 He tipped his hat and straightened his jacket as he readied himself to depart as soon as they stopped. As the stagecoach slowed to a halt he had his hand on the doorhandle in readiness.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Pa! Pa!\u2019\u00a0 Ben\u2019s eyes lit up as he spied Hoss through the window and he opened the door as quickly as he could.\u00a0 Alighting from the stagecoach before the wheels had even stopped turning, he found himself caught up in his son\u2019s embrace and hugged the boy tightly to himself.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hoss,\u2019 he said happily. \u2018How are you boy?\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018I\u2019m fine Pa,\u2019 said Hoss, his voice muffled as he freed his face from the confines of his father\u2019s jacket and beamed up at him. \u2018How bout you? Are ya better now?\u2019\u00a0 His face showed the anxiety that he\u2019d been feeling during these past few weeks.\u00a0 His father had seemed such a different man when he\u2019d left and the boy hadn\u2019t really known what to expect now that he was back.<\/p>\n

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Ben smiled down at his son and hugged him to himself again while he stroked his hair gently. \u2018I\u2019m much better now son,\u2019 he said softly. \u2018Much better.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Hoss\u2019 face relaxed. \u2018I\u2019m glad,\u2019 he said happily. \u2018I missed ya Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben knew that his son wasn\u2019t just referring to the time he\u2019d been on the trip. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said gently. \u2018I missed you too son.\u00a0 I\u2019m back now though.\u2019\u00a0 He gave the boy another quick squeeze before turning his head. \u2018Where are your brothers?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Over there,\u2019 said Hoss, waving his arm in the direction of the stage office.<\/p>\n

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Ben looked over the top of his son\u2019s head and smiled at Adam who was standing next to the luggage as it was being unloaded. With one arm still around Hoss he took three quick steps towards his eldest son and stared at him for a moment before grabbing him around the shoulders and hugging him tightly towards him. Ben was pleased to feel Adam\u2019s body lean in towards his own as he accepted his father\u2019s embrace, yet it only convinced him even more how stressed this son of his must be.<\/p>\n

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It had never been in Adam\u2019s character to accept a great deal of physical affection from his father.\u00a0 Even when he\u2019d been a little boy he was not the sort of child to want endless cuddles and even then had been an independent child. So for this son of his to so willingly accept such a public display of affection said a great deal to Ben.\u00a0 He finally held the young man\u2019s body away from his own and looked deeply into his eyes. \u2018Adam,\u2019 he said softly.<\/p>\n

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Adam met his father\u2019s eyes with his own for a moment and then looked away. \u2018Pa,\u2019 he said before glancing back at the man. \u2018It\u2019s so good to have you home again.\u2019\u00a0 His expression was evasive, yet sincere and Ben read volumes into the way his son looked at him as he said it.<\/p>\n

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\u2018It\u2019s good be back home again son,\u2019 he said fervently. \u2018So good.\u2019\u00a0 He hugged Adam again, revelling in the feel of his son\u2019s body against his own and thinking how tired the boy looked. He had to do something about that now that he was home again. \u2018Where\u2019s Little Joe son?\u2019 he asked. \u2018Didn\u2019t you bring him in to meet me?\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018He\u2019s here,\u2019 said Adam, moving back from his father\u2019s grasp and pulling the small boy out from behind him.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s heart lurched as he looked down at his youngest son who was standing clutching onto Adam\u2019s trouser leg with one hand while sucking the thumb of his free one.\u00a0 Little Joe stared back up at his father as Adam tried to pull the child forward to greet him. \u2018Here\u2019s Pa,\u2019 Adam said. \u2018Come out and say hello to him Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben knelt down in front of the child and opened his arms to him, frowning when the little boy didn\u2019t move. \u2018It\u2019s Pa,\u2019 prompted Hoss from behind him. \u2018Remember?\u00a0 You\u2019ve been excited bout how he\u2019s coming home Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben reached forward, pulled the little boy towards him and picked him up in his arms.\u00a0 As he hugged his son to his chest, he put his face in the child\u2019s curly hair and drew in the fragrance of him, feeling yet again the sharp pain of his loss washing over him. He closed his eyes and then opened them again as he felt Little Joe trying to wriggle out of his grasp.\u00a0 Puzzled, he set him down again on his feet and watched as the child took a step backwards until he was partially behind Adam. \u2018Say hello to Pa,\u2019 prompted Adam.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hello Pa,\u2019 said Little Joe obediently.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hello Joseph,\u2019 breathed Ben softly.\u00a0 He reached for the boy again, but Little Joe took another step backwards until he was right behind Adam\u2019s legs again.<\/p>\n

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\u2018He\u2019s been really excited that you\u2019re back,\u2019 said Adam apologetically, as he held onto his little brother. \u2018He\u2019s probably just a bit shy after all these weeks Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben nodded, trying not to let the hurt he felt show on his face.\u00a0 Little Joe had never been shy in his life and they all knew it.\u00a0 He stood up again, suddenly feeling at a bit of a loss as to what to do. \u2018We\u2019ll get your bags for you,\u2019 said Adam, sensing the awkwardness of the situation immediately. \u2018Come on Hoss.\u2019\u00a0 Ben watched as his two sons grabbed his bags and dumped them into the wagon that was alongside them.\u00a0 Little Joe looked at his father for a moment and then headed off after them, keeping close to Adam the whole time. Ben straightened his shoulders and followed as well. \u2018I thought we could all ride together in the wagon,\u2019 explained Adam. \u2018That way we can talk as we go along.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018Good idea,\u2019 said Ben gratefully as he climbed into the front seat. Adam climbed up beside him and took the reins.<\/p>\n

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\u2018I also thought that you\u2019d probably be tired,\u2019 Adam went on. \u2018So I\u2019ll drive the team if you like.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018That\u2019s very thoughtful son,\u2019 said Ben gratefully. \u2018It was a long trip.\u2019\u00a0 He watched as Hoss helped Little Joe up onto the back seat and then got up himself. \u2018Would you like to ride up here with us?\u2019 Ben coaxed the child, but Joe shook his head and settled against Hoss who put his arm around him. Ben\u2019s heart lurched again as he tried to smile at his youngest son.<\/p>\n

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As they left the town behind them Ben noticed with relief that Adam took the trail that led over the top of the ridge rather going by the easier one by the lake. He was sure that it was done on purpose so that they didn\u2019t have to pass the spot where Marie was buried and he glanced at his son gratefully.\u00a0 Adam nodded slightly in reply and Ben put his hand on the young man\u2019s knee and squeezed it. \u2018Thank you son,\u2019 he said softly. Adam looked a little surprised. \u2018For everything you\u2019ve done while I\u2019ve been away,\u2019 went of Ben. \u2018I know it hasn\u2019t been easy.\u2019 Adam shrugged, looking a little embarrassed at his father\u2019s words.<\/p>\n

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\u2018I\u2019ve done lots too Pa,\u2019 said Hoss eagerly from the back seat of the wagon.<\/p>\n

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\u2018I know you have son,\u2019 said Ben, winking at Adam. \u2018I\u2019m sure you were a great help to your brother.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018We\u2019ve got lots to show you Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018Two new colts \u2026. and we started getting the strays back\u00a0 … didn\u2019t we Adam?\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018We sure did,\u2019 replied Adam. \u2018Hoss has been a big help to me Pa.\u2019 He winked at Ben who smiled back at them both.<\/p>\n

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\u2018Well I want to hear all about it,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Tell me everything.\u2019<\/p>\n

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By the time they reached the house, Ben felt as if his head was spinning with everything that Adam and Hoss had told him about the ranch. \u2018I should have realised,\u2019 he said softly. \u2018I\u2019m afraid I wasn\u2019t really thinking about everything that you\u2019d have to do while I was away.\u2019\u00a0 He glanced over at Adam. \u2018I\u2019m sorry I had to leave with all of it,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

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Adam shrugged. \u2018It\u2019s OK Pa,\u2019 he said shortly. \u2018We managed.\u2019<\/p>\n

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There was silence for a few moments and then Ben turned to Little Joe who\u2019d been sitting quietly while his brothers had been talking. \u2018I suppose that you helped too Joseph?\u2019 he asked teasingly.<\/p>\n

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Little Joe took his thumb out of his mouth and said. \u2018Yep,\u2019 and then replaced it again.<\/p>\n

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Ben tried again. \u2018So how did you help?\u2019 he prompted.<\/p>\n

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The thumb was dislodged again. \u2018Lots of things,\u2019 the child said. \u2018I helped Hop Sing lots.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hop Sing has been great with him,\u2019 said Adam quietly. \u2018I really couldn\u2019t have managed everything without him.\u2019\u00a0 He drew the horses to a halt as they came around the side of the barn into the front yard and Ben sighed with satisfaction as he looked with love at his home.<\/p>\n

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\u2018It\u2019s good to be back,\u2019 he breathed as he sat and stared at it.<\/p>\n

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Suddenly the front door opened and Hop Sing emerged, smiling broadly. \u2018Mr Ben!\u2019 he said happily. \u2018Good to have you back!\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hop Sing!\u2019 said Ben as he got down from the wagon. \u2018It\u2019s good to be here.\u2019<\/p>\n

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The cook scrutinized Ben up and down. \u2018You look better Mr Ben,\u2019 he said wisely. \u2018Trip do you good.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018I feel a lot better,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Yes \u2026 the trip was exactly what I needed.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018Have special dinner prepared for you,\u2019 said Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

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\u2018We\u2019re having fried chicken Pa,\u2019 said Hoss happily as he took the bag that Adam handed to him. \u2018Hop Sing made a special dessert too.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018That sounds fine son,\u2019 replied his father, giving him a hug.<\/p>\n

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\u2018You go inside Pa,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018We\u2019ll bring in your bags for you.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben held out his hand to Little Joe. \u2018Come and show me inside the house Joseph,\u2019 he said gently.<\/p>\n

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Little Joe looked at his father\u2019s hand and then took Hop Sing\u2019s instead. Ben smiled down at him. \u2018Well we\u2019ll all go in together then, shall we?\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

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As the three of them walked towards the house, Ben turned to Hop Sing. \u2018I want to thank you Hop Sing,\u2019 he said. \u2018Adam told me how much of a help you\u2019ve been to him. I can\u2019t ell you how much I appreciate what you\u2019ve done while I\u2019ve been away. I couldn\u2019t have gone if it hadn\u2019t been for you.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018Hop Sing happy to look after boys,\u2019 replied the man simply.\u00a0 \u2018They my boys too Mr Ben.\u2019\u00a0 The two of them smiled at each other as they entered the house.<\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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\u2018Here you go,\u2019 said Ben with a smile as he handed Adam the package. \u2018I wanted to bring each of you something back.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Adam grabbed the package eagerly, reminding his father of when he\u2019d been a small boy. \u2018Gee thanks Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018You didn\u2019t have to though.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018I wanted to,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Open it son.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Adam ripped off the brown paper covering and grinned at the pile of books. \u2018Oh!\u2019 he exclaimed. \u2018They\u2019re wonderful Pa.\u00a0 Thank you!\u2019<\/p>\n

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\u2018I hope you like them,\u2019 said his father. \u2018I tried to choose ones that I knew you like of course and also ones that I thought might help you in getting ready for College.\u2019<\/p>\n

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A momentary sadness flitted across Adam\u2019s face. \u2018I don\u2019t think \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

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Ben held up his hand. \u2018I know that you\u2019ve missed this year\u2019s intake son,\u2019 he said. \u2018But there\u2019s no reason why you can\u2019t go next year.\u2019\u00a0 He watched as Adam\u2019s face lit up and then became guarded again. \u2018We\u2019ll talk about it later,\u2019 he said, indicated his two other sons. \u2018I really still mean for you to go Adam, I want you to know that.\u2019\u00a0 He picked up the next package. \u2018Here you are Hoss. This one\u2019s for you.\u2019<\/p>\n

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Hoss grinned as he took the package from his father. \u2018Thanks Pa,\u2019 he said happily. \u2018Gee, this is just like Christmas.\u2019\u00a0 He ripped the paper off to reveal a box of whittling tools. \u2018Wow!\u2019 he said excitedly. \u2018I can do some real good woodcarving with these Pa.\u00a0 Thanks!\u2019\u00a0 He flung his arms around his father, taking the man somewhat by surprise.<\/p>\n

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\u2018That\u2019s all right son,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I\u2019m glad that you like them.\u2019<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I love em Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018You\u2019re the best Pa in the world.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben chuckled. \u2018Well thank you,\u2019 he said. And then turned to his youngest son.\u00a0 \u2018Here you are Little Joe,\u2019 he said. \u2018This is for you.\u2019 He held the package out to the child who looked at his father and then over at Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Take it,\u2019 Adam urged his brother. \u2018Pa has a present for you.\u2019 Little Joe took the package.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Would you like me to help you undo it?\u2019 asked Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u2018No.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They all watched as the little boy tried unsuccessfully to undo the string around the package.\u00a0 Finally he picked it up and put it on Adam\u2019s lap. \u2018You do it Adam,\u2019 he instructed. \u2018I can\u2019t get the string off.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam obediently undid the string to reveal a set of toy soldiers. \u2018Wow,\u2019 he said. \u2018That\u2019s great, isn\u2019t it Joe?\u2019\u00a0 Little Joe said nothing. \u2018Say thank you to Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thank you Pa,\u2019 said little Joe, looking at the soldiers in their box and not at his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I hope you like them Joseph,\u2019 said Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was silence for a moment. \u2018You want me to play with you Joe?\u2019 asked Hoss. \u2018We could make a war with them soldiers.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe shook his head and replaced the lid on the box. \u2018No thanks,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Well I think it might be time for this young man to go to bed,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018How about I take you upstairs and get you into your nightshirt Little Joe?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I want Adam to do it,\u2019 said Joe giving his father a challenging look.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I don\u2019t mind Pa,\u2019 said Adam as he stood up and took his little brother\u2019s hand. \u2018He\u2019s used to me doing it. Come on Joe \u2026 say good night to everyone.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben drew the little boy towards him and gave him a kiss, noting as he did so how stiffly the child held himself against his father. \u2018I\u2019ll come up soon to say good night,\u2019 he said as he stroked his son\u2019s hair.\u00a0 He tried not to look hurt as Adam led the little boy up the stairs. \u2018Well,\u2019 he said, turning to Hoss. \u2018How about you son?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018How about me?\u2019 asked Hoss, puzzled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Tell me all about what\u2019s been going on with you.\u00a0 How has school been?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018OK.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Any problems?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss hesitated. \u2018Nuh,\u2019 he said firmly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben ruffled his hair. \u2018Well that\u2019s good,\u2019 he said. \u2018Maybe you and I could have a talk about some other things then.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Bout what?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked at his son tenderly. \u2018Actually I thought we might talk about your ma,\u2019 he said. \u2018I know that you must be feeling very upset about everything that\u2019s happened.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head firmly. \u2018No,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m OK Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben frowned. \u2018But son,\u2019 he said. \u2018I think it\u2019s a good idea to talk about it.\u00a0 I know that \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m fine Pa,\u2019 Hoss assured him with a smile. \u2018You don\u2019t need ta worry bout me none.\u2019\u00a0 He picked up his present. \u2018I reckon I might go to bed too.\u2019\u00a0 He gave his father a tight hug. \u2018I\u2019m real glad you\u2019re home Pa,\u2019 he said happily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben returned the hug. \u2018So am I son,\u2019 he said. \u2018So am I.\u2019 He listened to the silence that was only broken by the ticking of the grandfather clock as Hoss left the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thank you Hop Sing,\u2019 said Ben as the man handed him a cup of coffee. \u2018I really thought after last night\u2019s supper that I wouldn\u2019t have much space left for breakfast, but I really can\u2019t resist your cooking.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You welcome Mr Ben,\u2019 said Hop Sing happily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019ve missed all this,\u2019 said Ben, \u2018Travelling makes you really appreciate home comforts.\u2019\u00a0 He turned to Little Joe who was pushing his food around his plate. \u2018Eat your breakfast Joseph,\u2019 he said automatically.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe glared at his father. \u2018I don\u2019t wanna,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben raised an eyebrow. \u2018I said to eat it Joseph,\u2019 he said. \u2018You can\u2019t start the day on an empty stomach.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe looked at Adam. \u2018Do I have to?\u2019 he whined.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes,\u2019 replied Adam. \u2018You heard what Pa said.\u2019\u00a0 Little Joe glared at his father and put a spoonful in his mouth. Ben felt somewhat put out at the interchange and shifted uneasily in his chair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Hoss?\u2019 he said. \u2018Isn\u2019t it time you were getting off to school?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure thing Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018He stuffed another roll into his mouth before standing up and hugging his father. \u2018Bye Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018It sure is good to have you home.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018So you\u2019ve said son,\u2019 laughed Ben. \u2018Now off you go.\u2019\u00a0 He turned to Adam as Hoss left the room, banging the door behind him. \u2018He certainly is happy to see me, isn\u2019t he?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He really missed you Pa,\u2019 said Adam shortly. \u2018We all did.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben put his hand over that of his eldest son\u2019s on the table. \u2018I know son,\u2019 he said. \u2018So did I. Now … what\u2019s on the agenda for today?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stood up and wiped his mouth on his napkin. \u2018I need to get the men organised for the branding,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019ll go and see Charlie about it.\u2019\u00a0 He hesitated. \u2018I mean \u2026 unless you want to do it Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No son, you do it. It makes sense for you to continue being in charge for a while until I get back into things,\u2019 he said, failing to see the worried look that flitted across Adam\u2019s face. \u2018I think I might see if I can make sense of where we\u2019re up to with the accounts today.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It might be better if you waited for me to be here when you do that,\u2019 replied Adam. \u2018I\u2019ll talk them through with you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That\u2019s all right,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018If I have any questions I can ask you later.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018But \u2026\u2019 Adam stopped. \u2018All right,\u2019 he said reluctantly. \u2018Whatever you want Pa.\u2019 He turned to Hop Sing who had entered the room and was clearing the table. \u2018I\u2019m going now Hop Sing,\u2019 he said. \u2018Will you be all right with Joe for a while?\u2019\u00a0 Hop Sing nodded. \u2018Bye squirt. See you at lunch,\u2019 Adam ruffled his little brother\u2019s hair and then strode from the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I think he\u2019s forgotten that I\u2019m here to look after Joseph now,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I\u2019m sorry about that Hop Sing. You don\u2019t need to be bothered.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Is no bother,\u2019 said Hop Sing easily. \u2018Little Joe help me while you away.\u2019 As if he\u2019d been cued to do so, the little boy climbed down from his chair and began to gather up the empty plates from the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I was thinking that we might go and look at those new soldiers of yours Joseph?\u2019 suggested Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I haveta help Hop Sing,\u2019 said Little Joe. \u2018I do it every day.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I see,\u2019 replied his father. \u2018Well, maybe we can look at them later then.\u2019\u00a0 He sighed as Hop Sing and Little Joe left the room together.\u00a0 It seemed that things around here were going to be harder than he\u2019d initially thought.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul Martin pulled his carriage to a halt and got down from it, smiling at Ben as he did so. \u2018Ben!\u2019 he called to his friend on the front porch. \u2018I just couldn\u2019t wait to come out and say hello.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood up to shake his friend\u2019s hand. \u2018Paul,\u2019 he said. \u2018It\u2019s so good to see you. Come and sit down and have some coffee.\u2019\u00a0 He poured a cup out for his friend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Hop Sing\u2019s looking after you I see,\u2019 said Paul, pointing to the coffeepot and the cookies on the table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes he is,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Anyone would think I\u2019d been sick or something.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Well in a way you were Ben,\u2019 replied the doctor as he took the cup of coffee from him. \u2018Mental problems can be as real as physical ones you know.\u00a0 You\u2019ve dealt with a great deal during these past months and I\u2019m happy to see that light back in your eyes again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You can see I\u2019m different?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Absolutely.\u00a0 I only have to look at you to see that your whole demeanour is different to when you went away Ben.\u00a0 To be honest, I was really worried about you in those weeks after Marie died.\u00a0 You were sinking into such a depression that at one stage I feared that you might never come back out of it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said. \u2018My emotions were completely out of control.\u00a0 I could sense it myself.\u2019\u00a0 He sighed. \u2018But no more,\u2019 he said firmly. \u2018One thing these past weeks have taught me is that I will never allow myself to get to that stage again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m glad to hear it,\u2019 said Paul. \u2018For your sake and that of your boys Ben. By the way, you should be very proud of them and the way they\u2019ve coped through all of this.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I am,\u2019 replied Ben. \u2018I want to thank you Paul for checking up on them while I was away.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I was glad to do it \u2026 you know that. How are you all getting on now that you\u2019re back?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben fingered his chin. \u2018I\u2019m not sure to tell you the truth.\u00a0 I know that Adam is glad to have me back, but \u2026\u2019\u00a0 He hesitated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018But?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shook his head. \u2018Nothing,\u2019 he said. \u2018Hoss is all over me.\u00a0 Won\u2019t leave me alone in fact. It\u2019s almost as if he\u2019s trying too hard to be honest.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He could be.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What do you mean?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He really missed you Ben,\u2019 said Paul.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Don\u2019t remind me,\u2019 said Ben sadly. \u2018I\u2019m feeling guilty enough without everyone telling me how much I was missed.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Paul put down his cup and looked at Ben sternly. \u2018Guilty?\u2019 he said. \u2018You\u2019ve got no cause to be guilty.\u00a0 I want you to get that thought right out of your head.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben snorted. \u2018Well that\u2019s a bit hard Paul,\u2019 he said. \u2018Of course I feel guilty.\u00a0 I up and left those boys just a few weeks right after their mother died.\u00a0 Not exactly the sign of a good parent, was it?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Ben, don\u2019t you understand? You had no choice.\u00a0 Why do you think I practically forced the decision on you to do it?\u00a0 If you hadn\u2019t gone away, you\u2019d have had no chance to get yourself together … you know that as well as I do \u2026 and you\u2019d have been no good for these boys of yours.\u00a0 They need you Ben and now that you\u2019ve been able to pull your life back together you\u2019ll be able to be the father to them that they need you to be.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben snorted again. \u2018You could have fooled me,\u2019 he said mournfully. \u2018Adam seems to be coping very well with things around here.\u00a0 Hoss tells me that he has no problems and Little Joe \u2026 well the child won\u2019t have anything to do with me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You know very well how much they\u2019re all hurting inside,\u2019 said Paul. \u2018They\u2019re just not showing that to you yet.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And who is the one who made them hurt inside?\u2019 asked Ben bitterly. \u2018I have only myself to blame.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018They\u2019re hurting inside because of Marie\u2019s death,\u2019 Paul persisted.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And I didn\u2019t help, did I?\u00a0 Let\u2019s be honest Paul \u2026 I turned my back on them for weeks after she died and then what did I do? Just as they all needed me the most I left!\u00a0 I took off for my own selfish reasons.\u00a0 No wonder they\u2019re acting as they are.\u2019\u00a0 Ben put his face in his hands. \u2018I\u2019m beginning to wonder if life will ever be the same around here.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Ben, for heaven\u2019s sake give it time!\u2019 Paul admonished him. \u2018You haven\u2019t even been back one day and you\u2019re expecting to pick up as it was before Marie\u2019s death.\u00a0 Life just doesn\u2019t work like that and you know it.\u2019\u00a0 He put his hand on the other man\u2019s shoulder. \u2018Give it time my friend.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure it will all work out.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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Ben dragged his eyes open and tried to focus on why he\u2019d been so abruptly woken out of his deep sleep.\u00a0 A yell from outside his door made him sit up with a start and he rubbed his eyes as he swung his feet to the floor. Joseph!\u00a0 The child was obviously having a bad dream and judging by the yelling he was very distraught.\u00a0 He pulled his robe on quickly and headed down the hallway to his youngest son\u2019s bedroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It\u2019s OK Pa,\u2019 said a voice behind him. \u2018I\u2019ll see to him. You go back to bed.\u2019\u00a0 Ben turned to see Adam, also in his robe. \u2018You must still be tired after your trip,\u2019 continued Adam. \u2018I don\u2019t mind fixing him up.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No son,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018It\u2019s up to me to do it.\u2019\u00a0 They entered the room together and Ben lit the lamp to reveal a distraught little boy sitting in the middle of his bed, the bedclothes all in disarray. Little Joe had tears streaming down his face and was hiccuping softly while he sucked on his thumb, which was inserted firmly into his mouth. Ben bent over him and smoothed his tousled curls. \u2018Did you have a bad dream Little Joe?\u2019 he asked softly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Ye .. yes,\u2019 hiccuped the child.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben picked him up and placed him on his lap, attempting to pull him close to his chest.\u00a0 Little Joe, however, wriggled free of his father\u2019s grasp and held out his small arms to Adam. \u2018Adam!\u2019 he cried. \u2018I want Adam!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben let go of him and allowed him to go to his brother who picked him up and sat on the other side of the bed with him. \u2018He gets like this,\u2019 Adam explained to his father as he stroked Joe\u2019s hair. \u2018He\u2019s been having a lot of nightmares.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tried not to look hurt as he watched his eldest son cuddling his youngest as he himself longed to do. \u2018I see,\u2019 he said. \u2018And the thumb sucking?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He was doing that before.\u2019\u00a0 Adam gave his father a puzzled look. \u2018Before you went away \u2026 in the weeks after Marie died.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you remember?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shook his head. \u2018There\u2019s a lot I don\u2019t remember about that time,\u2019 he said. \u2018I blocked out a lot in those weeks after Marie\u2019s death son and I\u2019m only just now beginning to realise it.\u2019\u00a0 He reached across the bed and held his arms out to Little Joe. \u2018Come to me Joseph,\u2019 he said gently. \u2018Let Pa hold you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe shook his head and cuddled in further to his brother\u2019s chest. \u2018I want Adam!\u2019 he said firmly. \u2018Go away!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam gave his father a look of pity. \u2018He doesn\u2019t mean it Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018He\u2019s just \u2026 I mean he\u2019s used to me coming in at night, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI know son,\u2019 said Ben in a low voice.\u00a0 \u2018It\u2019s all right.\u2019\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t all right.\u00a0 Ben longed to take his child to soothe him and had to fight with all his might against the urge to do so. \u2018It\u2019s probably best if you put him back to bed,\u2019 he said as he stood up and forced himself to walk away from the bed. \u2018Thank you Adam.\u2019\u00a0 He walked back to his own room, hearing his youngest son\u2019s sniffles as he did so.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood next to his open window and looked at the cloudless sky above him with an aching heart.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben paused outside Hoss\u2019 bedroom door and looked around his son\u2019s bedroom in surprise. \u2018Well this is nice and tidy,\u2019 he said. \u2018Has Hop Sing been cleaning up here already this morning?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss beamed at him as he smoothed out a non-existent wrinkle on his bedcover. \u2018No,\u2019 he said. \u2018I done it myself Pa.\u00a0 I keep my room real tidy now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled at the boy. \u2018Well that\u2019s wonderful to hear son,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And I do lots of extra chores too,\u2019 continued Hoss eagerly. \u2018You don\u2019t haveta be bothered with telling me to do em neither.\u00a0 I always remember.\u2019\u00a0 He shot his father an anxious glance. \u2018I\u2019ll go and get started on em now before breakfast so\u2019s I\u2019ll be ready in time for school.\u00a0 I\u2019m never late for school no more.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That\u2019s good,\u2019 said Ben, giving the boy a puzzled look as he headed past him. \u2018I\u2019ll see you at breakfast then.\u2019\u00a0 He walked to Little Joe\u2019s room and was surprised to find that the child wasn\u2019t in his bed.\u00a0 Little Joe was usually difficult to wake in the morning and was never one of the first out of bed.\u00a0 He walked towards Adam\u2019s open door and looked in.\u00a0 Sure enough, just as he had suspected, Little Joe was curled up and sound asleep in his brother\u2019s bed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I brought him in here last night,\u2019 explained Adam when he saw his father looking in. He reached for his boot and started pulling it on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018I see,\u2019 he said. He glanced at the little boy in the bed and noticed that he had one of his new toy soldiers clutched tightly in his small hand and Ben\u2019s heart rose at the sight of it. Maybe his son wasn\u2019t rejecting him as much as he\u2019d thought if he had taken his father\u2019s present to bed with him?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019ll get him dressed and bring him down,\u2019 said Adam as he stood up. \u2018We won\u2019t be long.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I could do it,\u2019 said Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u2018He\u2019s used to me helping him,\u2019 he said. \u2018It\u2019ll be quicker this way.\u2019\u00a0 His words sounded very much like a dismissal to Ben, so rather than dispute the issue he withdrew from the room and headed downstairs to the breakfast table.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Good morning Mr Ben,\u2019 said Hop Sing cheerfully as he set a platter of eggs on the table. \u2018Plenty breakfast for you to get strength back.\u2019 He beamed at his employer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thank you Hop Sing,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018But I really have plenty of strength thank you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hop Sing appeared not to have heard. \u2018You eat big breakfast, then rest all day,\u2019 he said. \u2018You feel better chop chop!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled at the man and poured himself a cup of coffee while he waited for the boys to join him.\u00a0 Within minutes, Hoss appeared at the table. \u2018Oh boy, eggs!\u2019 he said eagerly and started to help himself to some.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Son, I\u2019ve been thinking,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Tomorrow is Saturday and maybe you and I could go fishing together so that we can have a long talk.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That\u2019s OK Pa,\u2019 replied Hoss with his mouth full. \u2018You don\u2019t have ta spend your time fishing with me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018But I\u2019d like to go,\u2019 persisted Ben. \u2018Wouldn\u2019t you?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019ve got lotsa chores to get done tomorrow,\u2019 explained Hoss. \u2018I do lot of extras now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes I know,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018You\u2019ve told me that several times Hoss.\u00a0 But I\u2019m sure that they could wait for a few hours.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss cast his father an uneasy glance. \u2018I reckon not Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019d best get em done.\u00a0 You can do the things you wanna do instead of worrying bout me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018But Hoss I \u2026\u2019\u00a0 Ben stopped as Adam and Little Joe came to the table. \u2018Well we\u2019ll talk about it tonight,\u2019 he finished lamely. \u2018Good morning Joseph.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Good morning,\u2019 said Little Joe as he climbed onto his chair. He looked at the eggs on the table. \u2018I don\u2019t like them eggs,\u2019 he announced to everyone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes you do,\u2019 said Adam, before Ben could open his mouth. \u2018You helped Hop Sing collect the eggs and said that you\u2019d eat them, remember?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Oh yeah.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam dished some eggs onto a plate for his brother. \u2018There you go,\u2019 he said. \u2018Eat them up.\u2019\u00a0 Little Joe picked up his spoon obediently and began to eat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re very good with him,\u2019 observed Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged as he helped himself to some eggs as well. \u2018I\u2019ve had to be,\u2019 he said shortly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gave his eldest son a sharp glance. \u2018Well you\u2019ve done a good job,\u2019 he said. There was silence around the table as everyone attended to their breakfast. \u2018I really am very proud of the way all of you boys have managed here without me,\u2019 Ben ventured finally. There was silence again. \u2018Paul Martin told me yesterday that you\u2019ve all coped very well.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shot his father a glance that Ben found hard to read. \u2018Paul has helped a lot,\u2019 the young man said. \u2018We needed someone to.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben frowned slightly. \u2018What is that supposed to mean?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Nothing,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018Hoss, you\u2019d better get going or you\u2019ll be late.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss wiped his mouth with his napkin and stood up immediately. \u2018I don\u2019t wanna be late,\u2019 he assured his father. \u2018I get ta school on time now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019ve told me that Hoss,\u2019 said Ben, beginning to feel somewhat frustrated by his son\u2019s insistence on doing the right thing and making sure that his father knew it. \u2018Have a good day son.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss threw his father a grin. \u2018Bye Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I sure am happy that you\u2019re home.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sighed. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said. He waited until the front door had banged shut and then turned to Adam. \u2018What is going on?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What do you mean?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018With your brother. He seems so anxious to be perfect for me.\u00a0 All the extra chores and telling me all the time how good he is at school.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged. \u2018He\u2019s scared.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Scared of what for heaven\u2019s sake?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That you\u2019ll leave again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart lurched. \u2018What?\u2019 he said. \u2018Why on earth didn\u2019t you tell me this last night?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged again. \u2018I didn\u2019t think you\u2019d be that interested.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stared at his son, nonplussed for a moment. \u2018And why wouldn\u2019t I be interested?\u2019 he asked finally.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam glared at his father as he flung his napkin on the table and stood up. \u2018You weren\u2019t before you went away,\u2019 he said simply. \u2018Hop Sing!\u2019 he shouted. \u2018I\u2019m going now.\u00a0 Can you look after Joe for me?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood up as well, trying to keep his temper, which he felt that he was fast loosing. \u2018I think you\u2019ve forgotten that I\u2019m here today,\u2019 he said in an even tone. \u2018Hop Sing doesn\u2019t have to be burdened with Joseph.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be looking after him.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes narrowed. \u2018Whatever you say Pa,\u2019 he said in the same even tone. \u2018Only I think you should realise that Joe isn\u2019t a burden to Hop Sing.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I didn\u2019t say that he was son,\u2019 began Ben. \u2018Only that I\u2019m the boy\u2019s father and I\u2019d like to spend some time with him now that I\u2019m back home.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Suit yourself,\u2019 said Adam. He smiled down at Little Joe who was listening to the conversation between his father and brother and looking at them with wide eyes. \u2018You have a good day little buddy,\u2019 Adam said gently. \u2018I\u2019ll see you later.\u2019\u00a0 He turned to Hop Sing who had entered the room. \u2018I\u2019ll be home for lunch,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019ll be in the branding corral all morning if you need me Hop Sing.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That reminds me,\u2019 said Ben as he walked after Adam to the door. \u2018Isn\u2019t it rather late in the year for us to be branding?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s jaw clenched tight and he hesitated before answering his father. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he said.\u00a0 He reached for his coat and hat and began to put them on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018So why then?\u2019 persisted Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam turned to face his father. \u2018Why are we late with the branding?\u2019 he said in a sarcastic tone. \u2018Well I don\u2019t know Pa.\u00a0 I guess it might be because it\u2019s the first opportunity we\u2019ve had to do it this year.\u00a0 There have been other things to do around here and I\u2019m sorry if I\u2019m not as fast at doing them as you are.\u00a0 I\u2019ve done my best you know.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben took a step backward. \u2018I\u2019m sorry son, I didn\u2019t mean to imply anything by that remark.\u00a0 I was just curious, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shot his father a dark look before turning his back on his and striding from the room.\u00a0 Ben stared at the door in front of him for a moment and then turned towards the dining room again, forcing himself to smile at Little Joe. \u2018Well let\u2019s you and I have a talk then Joseph, shall we?\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe got down from his chair and shook his head as he faced his father. \u2018I gotta help Hop Sing,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben knelt down in front of him and smiled. \u2018After you\u2019ve helped Hop Sing then,\u2019 he said. \u2018We might go out and see the horses eh?\u2019\u00a0 He knew that Joe could never resist anything to do with horses, so this was a safe bet that the chid would take him up on the offer.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe hesitated. \u2018No thanks,\u2019 he said and turned to walk into the kitchen, leaving his father kneeling on the floor behind him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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\u2018Homework on a Friday night?\u2019 said Ben teasingly as he walked past Hoss who was seated at the small circular table near his father\u2019s desk. \u2018That\u2019s unusual son.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m getting it all done now so that I don\u2019t haveta worry on Sunday night,\u2019 replied Hoss with a smile at his father. \u2018I get my work done \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Real quick now,\u2019 Ben finished for him. \u2018Yes I know,\u2019 he said. \u2018Would you like some help with it?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u2018No thanks,\u2019 he said. \u2018You don\u2019t have ta be bothered with helping me Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I can do it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked over his shoulder. \u2018Divisions,\u2019 he mused. \u2018You never found them easy before. Are you sure you don\u2019t want me to help you?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head firmly. No thanks Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m better at em now.\u00a0 Adam helped me lots while you was away. I\u2019ll ask him iff\u2019n I got a problem with em.\u2019\u00a0 He bent his head and began to count on his fingers again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sighed as he walked towards his desk and sat down.\u00a0 He looked up as Adam walked down the stairs. \u2018Little Joe asleep?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes,\u2019 said Adam shortly. He sat down in the blue chair near the fireplace and picked up a book without another word.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tried again. \u2018Son if you don\u2019t mind there are a few things in the books that I\u2019d like to go over with you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stood up without a word and brought a chair over next to his father. \u2018What?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Well here,\u2019 said Ben, pointing to a page in the ledger. \u2018I\u2019m not sure why you\u2019ve done the invoices like this.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam lifted an eyebrow. \u2018Just a shorter way of doing it,\u2019 he said. \u2018I thought it worked out better this way and it doesn\u2019t take so much time.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he agreed. \u2018Well I can see your point. It\u2019s just that it doesn\u2019t really show the full transaction though.\u00a0 Maybe it would be better if we did it the old way now that I\u2019m back?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged and his father noticed that his jaw had clenched tight. \u2018I only did it that way to save time,\u2019 he answered in a tight voice. \u2018I didn\u2019t have a lot of time to do things during these past few months.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes I know that it must have been very difficult for you,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018But now that I\u2019m back \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Whatever you want Pa,\u2019 said Adam, standing up. \u2018Now that you\u2019re back I\u2019m sure that everything will be done around here as it should be once again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood up as well. \u2018Adam son, I\u2019m not criticising you,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m just saying that it might be best \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I said that\u2019s fine Pa,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018You\u2019re in charge around here and whatever you think is best is fine by me.\u00a0 You do things the way you want to.\u2019 He turned from his father. \u2018Now if you\u2019ll excuse me, I think I might have an early night.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Adam \u2026\u2019 Ben watched as his eldest son refused to acknowledge him and simply walked up the stairs to his bedroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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\u2018So are you all tucked in?\u2019 asked Ben as he entered Hoss\u2019 bedroom.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018Night.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sat down on the edge of the bed. \u2018Good night son,\u2019 he said gently. \u2018Would you like me to read to you?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No thanks,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018You don\u2019t have ta be bothered with reading ta me no more.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben frowned. \u2018Hoss, I want to talk to you about something,\u2019 he said. \u2018Ever since I\u2019ve been back here you keep saying that you don\u2019t want me to be bothered with you. Son, you could never be a bother to me. I want to do things for you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes Pa,\u2019 said Hoss dutifully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stroked the boy\u2019s hair. \u2018What is it son?\u2019 he asked gently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What is what Pa?\u2019 asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What is it that\u2019s bothering you?\u00a0 Are you worried that if you\u2019re not good all the time that I\u2019ll be angry with you?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Then what is it?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I just don\u2019t want ya to be bothered is all,\u2019 said Hoss earnestly. \u2018I can look after myself now and you don\u2019t haveta spend time worrying bout me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I like spending time worrying about you,\u2019 said Ben, but noticed that Hoss didn\u2019t look convinced. \u2018I know that before I left I wasn\u2019t exactly the best father in the world to you,\u2019 continued Ben. \u2018But all that is behind us now.\u00a0 I want to do things for you son.\u00a0 I don\u2019t need you to be perfect all the time \u2026 why do you think that you have to be?\u2019\u00a0 Hoss shrugged. \u2018Are you worried that I might go away again if you\u2019re not?\u2019 asked his father. Hoss shrugged again and refused to look at the man. \u2018Well if you are, then you don\u2019t need to be,\u2019 continued Ben. \u2018I\u2019m not going away ever again like that unless it\u2019s on business and I have to. I went because I just needed some time for myself after your ma died son.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018You done told me that before you went.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Well I\u2019ve had the time for myself and I\u2019m feeling much better for it,\u2019 went on Ben. \u2018Now that I\u2019m back I want to be your Pa again.\u00a0 I want to spend time with you.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you understand that?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018If ya want to, then I\u2019ll spend time with you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No son, it\u2019s not if I want to,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018It\u2019s if you want to.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure Pa,\u2019 said Hoss earnestly. \u2018I love you Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben bent down and kissed his son on the forehead. \u2018I love you too son,\u2019 he said. \u2018Now how about that fishing trip in the morning?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure thing Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018If ya want to.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get up real early and do all my chores so that I\u2019ll be ready on time.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sighed and shook his head. \u2018Hoss you don\u2019t have to do all those chores now,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I don\u2019t mind Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018I\u2019ll do em real quick so that you can have a good time with me at fishing.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shook his head, wishing that he could get through to the boy. He bent down and kissed his forehead again. \u2018Well, how about I help you with them then?\u2019 he said. \u2018We\u2019ll do them together. Good night son.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Night,\u2019 said Hoss happily. \u2018I really love ya Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sighed again. \u2018I know Hoss,\u2019 he said.\u00a0 \u2018I love you too.\u2019\u00a0 He shook his head as he left the room.\u00a0 Perhaps in time his son\u2019s insecurities would fade, but Ben knew that it take a great deal of patience in the meantime.\u00a0 He glanced at Adam\u2019s closed bedroom door across the hall and noticed that there was a crack of light showing under it. After a moment\u2019s hesitation he knocked on it, but there was no answer.\u00a0 He knocked again and with a sinking heart noticed the crack of light disappear as a lamp was extinguished from within.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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\u2018You go and get the fishing gear together Hoss,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I\u2019ll join you in a few minutes.\u2019 Hoss wiped his mouth eagerly and headed outside.\u00a0 Adam also stood up. \u2018Just a moment please Adam,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I\u2019d like to speak to you.\u2019 Adam sat down again without a word and faced his father, his face bland and impassive.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I need to apologize for what I said last night,\u2019 said Ben, choosing his words carefully. \u2018I want you to know that I wasn\u2019t criticizing you son.\u00a0\u00a0 I know how difficult things must have been for you when I was gone and I\u2019m just trying to fit back into this family and make things better for everyone.\u2019 Adam said nothing. \u2018I\u2019m really very proud of the way you\u2019ve held things together here Adam. You\u2019ve run the ranch as well as looked after your brothers and that\u2019s taken a lot of sacrifices on your part.\u00a0 I guess what I\u2019m trying to say is thank you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded his head slightly. \u2018You\u2019re welcome,\u2019 he said in a tight voice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re very angry with me, aren\u2019t you?\u2019 persisted Ben. \u2018I think we should talk about it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u2018I\u2019m not angry Pa,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Well I think that you are,\u2019 said his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m not angry,\u2019 said Adam firmly, standing up. \u2018I know that you needed to go the way you did and I\u2019m happy that you\u2019re feeling better now.\u00a0 You\u2019re in charge of the Ponderosa and whatever you say goes as far as I\u2019m concerned.\u00a0 Hopefully things will get back to normal again now that you\u2019re back.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I hope so too,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I wish for nothing more than to be a family together like we were before.\u2019\u00a0 He glanced at the empty chair at the other end of the table, which had always been Marie\u2019s \u2026 \u2018Well as best we can anyway.\u2019\u00a0 He looked up at Adam. \u2018I need your help to do that though son,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure Pa,\u2019 replied Adam evenly. \u2018Whatever you need.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know that you \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018If you\u2019ll excuse me now though, I\u2019ve got work to do,\u2019 interrupted Adam. \u2018Have a good morning fishing with Hoss.\u2019\u00a0 He left the room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben picked up his coffee up and looked at Little Joe over the rim. \u2018Well that went well, didn\u2019t it?\u2019 he said sarcastically to himself. Little Joe stared back at his father, placed his thumb in his mouth and began to suck on it furiously.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked across the yard and noticed Little Joe standing near the barn door staring at him. \u2018Hello there Joseph,\u2019 he called out. \u2018Come on over here and I\u2019ll show you the horses son.\u2019\u00a0 The little boy shook his head and disappeared into the barn again and Ben sighed as he leant back on the fence and looked at the horses in the corral.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018So how\u2019s it going today boss?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben turned his head and smiled to see Charlie, the Ponderosa foreman standing next to him. \u2018Hi Charlie,\u2019 he said. \u2018I thought you were out with Adam at the branding corral?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I was,\u2019 said the man. \u2018But I just came back ta get some more rope.\u2019\u00a0 He leant on the fence beside Ben and rested his arms on the top rung. \u2018Adam said that you\u2019re coming out later?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes.\u00a0 It\u2019s about time I got back into things around here,\u2019 replied Ben. \u2018I\u2019ve missed the work.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018We\u2019ve missed you,\u2019 said Charlie. \u2018It\u2019s good ta have ya back again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thank you,\u2019 said Ben with a smile. \u2018I\u2019m glad to hear it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You should be right proud of that eldest boy of yours,\u2019 said Charlie. \u2018He did real well while you were away \u2026 and before,\u2019 he added meaningfully.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know,\u2019 said Ben softly. \u2018I am very proud of him.\u2019 He turned to face the other man. \u2018And I know just what part you had to play in things around here too my friend.\u00a0 Thank you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charlie shrugged. \u2018Tweren\u2019t nothing,\u2019 he said easily. \u2018I just helped him out a time or two is all when things got a bit too much fer him. He did real well even without me.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018That boy has a lot of strength in him,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure does,\u2019 agreed Charlie. \u2018I reckon he gets it from his Pa.\u2019 He grinned at Ben, who gave him a weak smile in return.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thanks for that Charlie,\u2019 he said. \u2018But to tell you the truth I\u2019m afraid I don\u2019t feel terribly strong right about now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Boys giving ya a hard time?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben gave the man a startled look. \u2018How did you know that?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Just thought they might,\u2019 the older man replied. \u2018I reckon there\u2019s a lot of mending ta do in that family of yours boss.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018You\u2019re not wrong there,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charlie put a hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder. \u2018It\u2019ll all work out,\u2019 he assured him. \u2018They\u2019re good boys and they love their Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said. \u2018At the moment though, I really don\u2019t feel like I deserve their love.\u00a0 I let them down badly Charlie and I can\u2019t forgive myself for that.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Charlie made a face. \u2018They\u2019ll get over it,\u2019 he said. \u2018Ya did what ya had to boss.\u00a0 I reckon they\u2019ll come around in time.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben looked over to the barn again where Little Joe was peeking around the door again and staring at him. He beckoned to the child, but the little boy immediately disappeared once more back into the barn. \u2018I sure hope so Charlie,\u2019 he sighed. \u2018I sure hope so.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

\u2018That\u2019s fine work son,\u2019 said Ben, smiling at Adam who was standing looking at the last of the strays being branded. \u2018You\u2019ve done well getting all this done so quickly.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Thanks Pa,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018We just need to get these last few done and then I\u2019m going to get these men over to the mill to start loading the lumber for shipment.\u00a0 We should be able to get started on it by noon tomorrow.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben frowned slightly. \u2018Wouldn\u2019t it be better to send them up to the lumber camp and get the logging finished first?\u2019 he suggested. \u2018That way we\u2019d be able to put both teams down at the mill together and get it all loaded at once.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019ve already organised for them to do it this way,\u2019 replied Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes of course,\u2019 said his father. \u2018But it\u2019s easily changed, don\u2019t you think? It\u2019ll be more productive the other way.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s voice rose slightly and several of the men turned at the sound of it. \u2018I think it\u2019s better to do it the way I said,\u2019 the young man retorted. \u2018You don\u2019t understand what we\u2019re up to with it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tried to keep his voice low. \u2018I\u2019m not criticising you for your decision son,\u2019 he said. \u2018I just think that it\u2019s easy to change the orders and maintain both teams together.\u00a0 Let\u2019s try it and see, all right?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam glared at his father. \u2018Why are you embarrassing me in front of everyone?\u2019 he snarled.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tried to lower his voice even further. \u2018I\u2019m not trying to embarrass you Adam,\u2019 he explained. \u2018I\u2019m just saying \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam turned away. \u2018You\u2019re going against what I\u2019ve already told them to do,\u2019 he said angrily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Son \u2026\u2019 Ben reached out to put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder, but the young man pushed it away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Leave me alone,\u2019 he said angrily. \u2018You do what you want \u2026 you will anyway!\u2019\u00a0 He strode over to his horse and mounted up, glaring at his father before turning and riding away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood with his hands on his hips staring after his son.\u00a0 He bit his lip and then faced the men who were by now all staring at him. \u2018What\u2019s it to be then boss?\u2019 asked Charlie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018We\u2019ll put both teams together,\u2019 said Ben firmly. \u2018Move everyone out when they\u2019ve finished here please Charlie.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be at the house if you need me.\u2019\u00a0 He mounted up and turned his own horse in the same direction that Adam had ridden.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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\u2018Adam you have to understand,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I didn\u2019t mean to embarrass you out there son, but I have to do what I think is best for the ranch.\u00a0 I wanted to talk it over with you, but you didn\u2019t give me that chance before you rode off.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You do what you like Pa,\u2019 said Adam angrily as he faced his father. \u2018I told you before that I\u2019ll take any orders from you that you want, didn\u2019t I?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes you did,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018But you\u2019re obviously very angry with me and I want to talk to you about it. I\u2019ve already explained to you that I\u2019m trying to find my place here again.\u00a0 Now I appreciate all that you\u2019ve done while I\u2019ve been away, but perhaps its time for us to sit down and discuss a few of the issues that concern the ranch.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I don\u2019t see why that\u2019s necessary,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018Everything will go back to how it was before in time.\u00a0 I told you that I\u2019m happy for you to be in charge again.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No you\u2019re not,\u2019 said his father. \u2018That\u2019s very obvious.\u00a0 And things can never go back to the way they were before son.\u00a0 We\u2019ve come too far for that to ever happen.\u00a0 When I left here you were a boy helping me with things on the ranch.\u00a0 Now that I\u2019m back I can see that you\u2019re a man.\u00a0 A man that I\u2019m very proud to call my son and a man who is quite capable of running things around here.\u00a0 I\u2019d be very happy to leave everything to your capable judgement Adam, except for one thing.\u00a0 The Ponderosa is my dream.\u00a0 It\u2019s what I\u2019ve worked for all these years and I just can\u2019t sit back and not be involved with it any more.\u00a0 What I\u2019m hoping for is that you and I can run it together.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018As long as you\u2019re in charge,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018As long as you get to say what\u2019s what, isn\u2019t that right Pa?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Adam \u2026\u2019 Ben reached out a put his arm around the young man\u2019s shoulder, but Adam shrugged it off and took a step backwards. Ben tried again. \u2018Adam it\u2019s time for you to let me do things around here again,\u2019 he said. \u2018It\u2019s time for you to be my son and stop trying to be everything to everyone.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam glared at his father. \u2018Why should I?\u2019 he spat at him. \u2018I\u2019ve had to be everything to everyone around here for a long time now.\u00a0 Why should it suddenly change just because you\u2019ve decided that you are ready to take over again? What about me?\u00a0 Am I supposed to just back away from everything now?\u00a0 Tell me how I do that!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben shook his head. \u2018Adam,\u2019 he said. \u2018Oh Adam son \u2026 I know what you\u2019re like.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been trying to hold things together for so long now that \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And whose fault is that?\u2019 his son spat at him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It\u2019s my fault,\u2019 admitted Ben. \u2018I know that. I just \u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Save it Pa,\u2019 shouted Adam. \u2018I know why you did what you did! Paul Martin had a long talk with me about it remember? I\u2019m glad that you\u2019re feeling better \u2026 I really am \u2026 but just don\u2019t expect all of us to \u2026\u2019\u00a0 he turned as a small snuffling sound could be heard behind them both.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben bent down and looked under his desk.\u00a0 Two big green eyes stared back out at him and the snuffling noise became louder. \u2018Little Joe?\u2019 he said. \u2018What are you doing under there?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe crawled out from under the desk and stood up, his green eyes wide with fear and brimming with tears. He ran over to Adam and wrapped his arms around his brother\u2019s legs. \u2018You go away!\u2019 he shouted to Ben over his shoulder. \u2018Leave my brother alone!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Joseph,\u2019 said Ben tenderly. \u2018I\u2019m sorry we frightened you.\u00a0 Come here to Pa.\u2019 He tried to disengage the child\u2019s arms from his brother\u2019s legs.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Why don\u2019t you just leave him alone?\u2019 said Adam bitterly as Little Joe resisted his father\u2019s attempts to take hold of him. \u2018Can\u2019t you see that he doesn\u2019t want you?\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you just leave him to me?\u2019\u00a0 He picked his little brother up and carried him from the room, banging the door behind him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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Ben sat by the side of the lake and looked out over the still blue water. His heart was heavy and his mind was full as he tried to come to grips with everything that was going on in his family. He glanced at the stone marker next to him and his heart gave the familiar lurch that he\u2019d become so accustomed to during these past months. \u2018Help me my love,\u2019 he whispered as his eyes brimmed with tears. \u2018Help me to reach them all. Help me to find the right words for them.\u00a0 I miss them so.\u2019 He lowered his face into his hands and wept the bitter tears of guilt and sorrow that had been brimming up inside him since he\u2019d returned.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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+++++++++++++++<\/p>\n

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\u2018So how was school today Hoss?\u2019 asked Ben. \u2018Anything exciting happen?\u2019\u00a0 He glanced at Adam who was eating his supper silently with his eyes fixed firmly on his plate and then at Little Joe who was pushing his food around his plate as usual.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Nuh,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018Nothing much.\u00a0 I\u2019m being real good but Pa,\u2019 he added.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben tried to smile at him. \u2018Good,\u2019 he said absently. \u2018Joseph eat your supper please.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe looked up at his father. \u2018I\u2019m gonna go to school with Hoss,\u2019 he announced.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben smiled at him. \u2018Yes of course you are,\u2019 he said. \u2018One day.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe shook his head. \u2018Nuh,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m gonna go after the summer vacation. Ain\u2019t I Adam?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam shrugged his shoulders. \u2018I guess so,\u2019 he said listlessly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No,\u2019 said Ben gently. \u2018You\u2019ll go when you\u2019re six Little Joe. Next year.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His son shook his head. \u2018Nuh uh!\u2019 he said. \u2018Adam said I\u2019m gonna go after the summer and I is!\u2019 he announced. \u2018Adam said \u2026 so there!\u2019 He flashed his father a challenging look and Ben felt his temper begin to rise in spite of himself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018What\u2019s all this about?\u2019 he asked Adam. \u2018Have you been telling the boy this?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam sighed and put down his fork. \u2018I talked to Hoss\u2019 teacher a few weeks ago,\u2019 he said. \u2018She offered to take Joe a few months early in view of the circumstances and I thought it was a good idea.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018So you just made this decision without consulting me?\u2019 said Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You weren\u2019t around to ask, were you?\u2019 said Adam frostily. \u2018And at that stage I had no idea when you\u2019d be coming back and it seemed like a good idea.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And so you went ahead and told the child?\u2019 said Ben. \u2018Really Adam \u2026 I think you could have waited.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam pushed his chair back. \u2018Waited!\u2019 he shouted. \u2018Waited for what?\u00a0 Waited for you to decide whether or not you were going to come back into our lives? I\u2019m sick and tired of doing what you want all the time!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben glared at his eldest son. \u2018You will not speak to me like that!\u2019 he said. \u2018I am your father!\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Then why don\u2019t you start acting like it?\u2019 demanded Adam, his voice beginning to quiver. \u2018Why don\u2019t you start acting like a father to them as well, instead of me having to do it all the time?\u2019\u00a0 He pointed to Hoss and Little Joe who were staring at them both.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You are not Little Joe\u2019s father,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018I am and I\u2019ll make the decision about when the boy goes to school and that\u2019s an end to it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam stood up and strode out of the room without another word.\u00a0 Ben sat for a moment breathing deeply, aware that his two younger boys were still staring at him. \u2018Hoss,\u2019 he said after a moment. \u2018I want you to take Joe upstairs for me please. Can you put him into his nightshirt and tuck him into bed?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Sure thing Pa,\u2019 said Hoss. \u2018I can do that.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood up and walked away from the table and then turned as he heard a small voice behind him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Pa?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben knelt down next to Little Joe\u2019s chair. \u2018Yes son?\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Can\u2019t I go to school ever?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben leaned forward and hugged his little boy. \u2018Of course you can go to school,\u2019 he assured him. \u2018I need to talk to Adam now.\u00a0 You go upstairs with Hoss now like a good boy and go to bed \u2026 OK?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018OK.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben left the room and walked out onto the front porch where Adam was standing.\u00a0 He stood beside his son for a minute without speaking and then said, \u2018Adam, I\u2019m sorry.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018So am I,\u2019 said Adam in a low voice. \u2018I didn\u2019t mean to say all that \u2026 especially not in front of Hoss and Joe.\u2019\u00a0 His chin quivered and Ben\u2019s heart constricted at the sight of it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Please come and sit down,\u2019 Ben said. He pulled Adam by the arm and sat him down on a chair, and then sat on one opposite him. For a long time there was silence between them and finally Adam looked at his father and spoke.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You were right about one thing you know.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben lifted an eyebrow. \u2018Yes?\u00a0 And what is that?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I am angry with you.\u2019\u00a0 Adam gave his father a challenging look, which reminded Ben of the kind that Little Joe was so good at giving him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m glad that you can finally admit that son,\u2019 said Ben. \u2018It needed to be said.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u2018Its like \u2026\u2019 his chin began to quiver again. \u2018Its like you just didn\u2019t care about us,\u2019 he said. \u2018I mean \u2026 I know why and all that.\u00a0 Marie dying \u2026 I can\u2019t begin to know what it was like for you Pa.\u00a0 Especially after Hoss\u2019 ma and mine did as well,\u2019 he glanced at his father and then lowered his eyes to study his boots intently. \u2018But even so \u2026.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Even so you\u2019ve been angry with me,\u2019 Ben finished for him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he said in a low voice. \u2018I just can\u2019t help it Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m not a little kid like Joe, but I\u2019m sure acting like one aren\u2019t I?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Adam you\u2019re allowed to be angry,\u2019 said his father. \u2018Lord knows that I\u2019ve been angry myself these past few months.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You have?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Of course I have.\u00a0 Angry with everyone and everything.\u00a0 Especially angry with God for doing this to me \u2026 to us. There were days \u2026.\u2019 His voice trailed away. \u2018I was so angry that I just couldn\u2019t see how to stop feeling that way,\u2019 he said. \u2018It\u2019s hard to explain son, but in a way that was why I left.\u00a0 I knew that if I stayed I\u2019d never be the father you needed.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t fair to you to go \u2026 I know that \u2026 but I had no choice. Please try and understand.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I do understand,\u2019 said Adam bitterly.\u00a0 \u2018But I had no choices. You left me without any choices.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And that\u2019s what you\u2019re angry about?\u2019 prompted Ben.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yes.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t do what you\u2019d done \u2026 I couldn\u2019t walk away.\u2019\u00a0 His eyes brimmed with tears. \u2018And I really wanted to Pa.\u00a0 I wanted to walk away from all of it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben put his arm around his son\u2019s shoulder and for the first time it wasn\u2019t shrugged off. \u2018I know,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018No you don\u2019t know,\u2019 said Adam bitterly. \u2018You never knew the nights that Hoss would cry himself to sleep. I\u2019d lie in bed until I couldn\u2019t stand it any longer and then I\u2019d go in and try to comfort him. But it wasn\u2019t me he needed Pa … it was you.\u2019\u00a0 He looked at Ben. \u2018Did you know that Little Joe has started to wet the bed again?\u2019\u00a0 Ben shook his head. \u2018Well he has and I had to deal with all of that too. I tried with them both \u2026 I really did \u2026 but \u2026\u2019 He hung his head and began to sob quietly. Ben sat quietly and waited for him to stop.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Finally, Adam put his head up and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. Ben looked up at the stars in the clear black sky and prayed for the right words to say to his boy. \u2018I\u2019ve told you a number of times since I\u2019ve been back that I\u2019m proud of you Adam,\u2019 he said finally. \u2018I do mean it.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m sorry for everything that has gone on during these past few months to hurt you son.\u00a0 I can\u2019t change it. I didn\u2019t know how hard things were for you.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam looked at his father. \u2018No, you didn\u2019t know,\u2019 he agreed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m trying to make things right again Adam.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll be able to, but I\u2019m trying son,\u2019 continued Ben. \u2018If I seem like I\u2019m criticising you, I honestly don\u2019t mean to.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It feels like you are,\u2019 said Adam. \u2018All I\u2019ve ever heard since you\u2019ve got back is criticism.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018That\u2019s not true Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It feels like it.\u2019\u00a0 He gave his father a dark look. \u2018I\u2019m sorry if things aren\u2019t the way you think they should be around here,\u2019 he continued. \u2018I did my best.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And your best was wonderful.\u00a0 I\u2019ve told you that,\u2019 said his father.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018It was so hard,\u2019 said Adam, not seeming to even hear his father. \u2018Hoss and Joe needed you \u2026 they needed you so much.\u2019\u00a0 He hesitated. \u2018I missed you too. I \u2026. I needed you too Pa. I needed you and you weren\u2019t there for me … you weren\u2019t there for any of us.\u00a0 And then you took off and left us to pick up the pieces.\u00a0 I understand why you had to do it … I really do \u2026 Paul explained all that to me.\u00a0 But Hoss and Joe don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 I tried to explain it to them the best way I knew how, but it wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 You think I\u2019m taking your place as Joe\u2019s father, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you realise that no one could do that?\u00a0 He only turns to me because you weren\u2019t there for so long.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I don\u2019t want to be his father Pa, I only want to be his brother\u2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know son\u2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018He needs you as his father, not me.\u00a0 Hoss needs you too\u2019.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And so do you,\u2019 added Ben, looking intently at his son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam began to sob louder. \u2018Oh Pa!\u00a0 Please \u2026\u2019\u00a0 He reached out and clung to his father and Ben hugged him as he hadn\u2019t done for many years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m here boy,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019m here for you now.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry that I wasn\u2019t before.\u00a0 I can\u2019t ever get that time back again. I can\u2019t ever make it up to you, but I\u2019m here now.\u2019\u00a0 For a long time, father and son held onto each other, Ben allowing Adam to sob all of his emotions out onto his shoulder.\u00a0 After a long time, he took a handkerchief out of his pocket and handing it to his son. \u2018Here,\u2019 he said. \u2018Wipe your face.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam did as he was bid, looking very much a child to his father at that moment. \u2018Adam, I\u2019ve never been prouder of you than right now,\u2019 Ben said finally. \u2018Give it time son.\u00a0 I know that we\u2019ll work it out.\u2019\u00a0 Adam nodded. \u2018Let\u2019s go on from here Adam … We\u2019ll move forward together now.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben straightened up and sat back on his chair again. \u2018You know \u2026 time will help Hoss feel more secure about me staying here, and Little Joe \u2026 well, he\u2019ll come around in time as well. The most important thing right now though is you. You\u2019ve been so overworked in these past few months. You need to have some time for yourself now and I\u2019m going to make sure that you have that time to yourself to be a boy again.\u2019 Ben smiled at him. \u2018Well, maybe not a boy\u00a0 \u2026. but a young man \u2026 a young man without children to care for any more, eh?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam smiled back at his father. \u2018I really don\u2019t want to take your place with them Pa,\u2019 he said. \u2018I never did.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018I know son,\u2019 replied his father. \u2018Don\u2019t you worry about it. We\u2019ll work it out somehow.\u2019 They both smiled at each other with a sudden feeling of relief.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Suddenly there was a muffled cry from above and Adam stood up. \u2018That\u2019s Joe,\u2019 he said. \u2018I\u2019ll go to him.\u2019\u00a0 He hesitated and then turned to his father. \u2018That is \u2026um … maybe you\u2019d better do it Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben stood up as well. \u2018Yes,\u2019 he said. \u2018You take some time to yourself now son.\u00a0 You\u2019ll see \u2026 everything will look better in the morning.\u2019 Adam nodded and wiped his nose again on his sleeve.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben went into the house and saw Hoss sitting in front of the fireplace with his feet on the coffee table. \u2018Don\u2019t you have homework to do?\u2019 he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yeah I guess,\u2019 said Hoss evasively. \u2018I can do it later but.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019ll do it now young man,\u2019 said Ben firmly. \u2018When I come back down I\u2019m going to check and see that it\u2019s done.\u00a0 Understood?\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss nodded. \u2018Understood,\u2019 he said with a sigh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018And take your feet off that table!\u2019 Ben smiled at him and climbed the stairs before entering Little Joe\u2019s bedroom.\u00a0 He turned up the lamp next to the bed and smiled down at his youngest son. \u2018I thought you might be asleep by now,\u2019 he said.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe glared up at him. \u2018No,\u2019 he said. \u2018I want Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Adam is busy.\u00a0 You\u2019ll just have to put up with me,\u2019 Ben told him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018But I want Adam!\u2019 Little Joe said stubbornly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben picked the child up and held him in his arms, staring into the face that reminded him so much of his beloved Marie. \u2018Well it looks like it\u2019s just you and me Joseph,\u2019 he said. He looked down and saw that the little boy was clutching one of his new toy soldiers. \u2018Do you like your soldiers?\u2019 he asked teasingly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2018Yep,\u2019 said the child, putting his thumb into his mouth again and sucking it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ben sat down in the chair next to the open window and cuddled the little boy into his chest.\u00a0 Little Joe leant his head in towards his father and looked up at him, his big green eyes wide. Ben smiled down at him. \u2018How about I rock you to sleep tonight?\u2019 he asked gently.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Little Joe said nothing as they both began to rock backward and forwards in the chair, his little body gradually relaxing against that of his father\u2019s. Ben put his head on the back of the chair as he looked up at the stars in the black sky and listened to the slurping sound of a small thumb being sucked, smiling contentedly at the sound. Tomorrow he\u2019d try again to pick up the threads of their family life.\u00a0 Tomorrow they might get one step closer to how they all wanted it to be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The End<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Ben finds it difficult to re-enter his boys\u2019 lives after Marie\u2019s death<\/p>\n

Rated: K (13,335 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":14815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2041","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-prequels","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2463,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/thread-e1508885709378.jpg?fit=243%2C154&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2043,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2043","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":0},"title":"One Hell of a Trip (by JoanS)","author":"JoanS","date":"June 7, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Ben finds it necessary to take a young Little Joe on a long stagecoach trip Rated: K (7,090 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Ben \/ Joe"","block_context":{"text":"Ben \/ Joe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1015"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":12398,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12398","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":1},"title":"“What did he say?” (by Krystyna)","author":"Krystyna","date":"December 28, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It pays to listen.\u00a0 After the fact, the family tries to figure out what Hop Sing said before returning to his kitchen. Rating K\u00a0 (1,240 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/vsy.jpeg?fit=248%2C203&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":63959,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=63959","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":2},"title":"Alone in a Crowd (by JoanS.)","author":"JoanS","date":"July 25, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Ben feels the pressure of his many responsibilities and needs a break for a while. Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 \u00a06,740 words","rel":"","context":"In "Ben Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Ben Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1004"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":7692,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7692","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":3},"title":"To Escape the Ponderosa (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Ben's loss is keeping him from home until he remembers what he still has there. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 Word count:\u00a01182","rel":"","context":"In "Ben Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Ben Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1004"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/San-Francisco.jpg?fit=463%2C336&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":22972,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=22972","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":4},"title":"Reputation (by Patina)","author":"patina","date":"June 22, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A What-Happened-In-Between for the Julia Bulette Story. Some wounds never heal. Rating: T (935 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/JuliaBulette.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/JuliaBulette.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/JuliaBulette.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":48071,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=48071","url_meta":{"origin":2041,"position":5},"title":"Ringing in the Changes (by Glenandme)","author":"BZTrailRiders","date":"January 1, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The boys let off a bit too much steam in town before New Year's Eve causing Ben to demand changes in their behavior. Perhaps he should be careful of what he wishes for.\u00a0 Rating: G, Word Count: 1671","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"Preserving Their Legacy","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/BTR.png?fit=442%2C255&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2041","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2041"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2041\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2041"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2041"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2041"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}