{"id":2076,"date":"2009-09-07T16:32:50","date_gmt":"2009-09-07T20:32:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2076"},"modified":"2026-03-07T19:13:32","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T00:13:32","slug":"joe-cartwright-seven-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2076","title":{"rendered":"Joe Cartwright – Seven Up (by JoanS)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>A woman finds an old diary in an antique store<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K (15,220\u00a0 words)<\/p>\n

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Joe Cartwright – Seven Up<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Give me the child until he is 7,<\/em>
\nand I will give you the man”<\/em><\/p>\n

The following entries were found in old book in an antique store in New York. I have no idea how the book must have made it\u2019s way there, but it has provided me with some very interesting reading which I thought I\u2019d share. Whoever this Joe Cartwright was \u2026 he had a very interesting life and his descriptions of life on a western ranch give a good insight to life in the nineteenth century.<\/em><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

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The entries reminded me of the Michael Apton series \u201cSeven Up\u201d as Joe only seemed to be able to manage his entries every few years \u2026. Just as in that documentary series. I hope you find his writings as interesting as I did.<\/em><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

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Claire Young<\/em><\/p>\n

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2005<\/em><\/p>\n

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————–<\/strong><\/p>\n

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23 Novembar 1843<\/strong><\/p>\n

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My name is Joe Cartwright and\u00a0 I am\u00a0 seven years o ld. M y Pa\u00a0 gave m e this book\u00a0 for m y birthday. I reckon it\u2019s a\u00a0 dum\u00a0 b present and\u00a0 I\u2019d rather he gived m e a\u00a0 gu n, but\u00a0 I would n\u2019t tell m y Pa that. No sir!\u00a0 I\u2019ve\u00a0 got the best\u00a0 Pa\u00a0 in the world and\u00a0 I would n\u2019t wanna\u00a0 hurt his fee lings or nuthin. A nyways, Pa says that it\u2019s a\u00a0 good thing to rite down m y thoughts so\u00a0 I\u2019m\u00a0\u00a0 gonna\u00a0 do it. He says it\u2019ll be\u00a0 good praktis for m y spe lling to ca use it ain\u2019t so good. I still wou ld rather have a gu n but.<\/p>\n

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Pa says that I ca n\u2019t get a\u00a0 gu n unti l after\u00a0 I\u2019m\u00a0 thirteen. He don\u2019t u ndersta nd that is to\u00a0 lo ng to wa it\u00a0 but!\u00a0 I can shoot rea l good\u00a0 now \u2026 we ll I w u ld\u00a0 be\u00a0 a b le\u00a0 to\u00a0 iffen Pa w u ld\u00a0\u00a0 let m e have a<\/p>\n

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gu n. I\u2019d\u00a0 be\u00a0 just bout the best shot in the who le of Nevarda\u00a0\u00a0 I reckon. When I get to be thirteen I\u2019ll show everyone\u00a0 just how\u00a0 good\u00a0 I\u2019ll be. Better even than Adam\u00a0\u00a0 I reck on.<\/p>\n

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Adam\u00a0 is m y biggest brother a nd he\u2019s a rea l good shot with a gun. He\u2019s rea l good at everything. It a in\u2019t fair, but he\u2019s go ne away now to Bostun fer\u00a0 nearly\u00a0 a\u00a0 year now. He sa id that he wa nts ta\u00a0 get a eddacashion \u2026\u00a0 but\u00a0 I recko n that\u2019s a dum b thing ta want. I don\u2019t wa nt\u00a0 no\u00a0 eddachasion, but m y Pa says\u00a0 I haveta\u00a0 get one\u00a0 to. He makes m e go to skoo l with Hoss m ost every day and\u00a0 it\u2019s p lain dum b!<\/p>\n

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Hoss is m y next biggest brother. Rea lly, he\u2019s m y biggest brother, but Adam\u00a0 is o lder tha n h im\u00a0 still. Hoss is m y very best friend. He\u2019s rea l strong and he k nows\u00a0 lots bout a nim a ls\u00a0 and\u00a0 a ll sorts of things. He don\u2019t wa nt\u00a0 no\u00a0 eddachasion neither and he keeps\u00a0\u00a0 te lling Pa\u00a0 that he can learn lots of thing from\u00a0 being on The<\/p>\n

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Po nda rosa, but\u00a0 Pa don\u2019t\u00a0 listen ta\u00a0 him\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 neither.<\/p>\n

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The Po nda rosa\u00a0 is our ranch . It\u2019s a rea l big p lace. I lu v\u00a0 liv in here on The Po nda rosa and\u00a0 I don\u2019t k now why Adam\u00a0 hadta\u00a0 go away from\u00a0\u00a0 it\u00a0 neither. He\u2019s\u00a0 liv ing in Bostun now with his grandfather. He a in\u2019t m y grandfather too but Adam\u00a0 says that\u00a0 I can have him\u00a0\u00a0 fer a grandfather iffen I want to. I don\u2019t k now\u00a0 iffen\u00a0 I want to but, cause\u00a0 I don\u2019t\u00a0 like him\u00a0 m uch. He gets ta\u00a0 live with Adam\u00a0 and he won\u2019t send him\u00a0 back to us. I reckon he m\u00a0 ite be a m een grandfather.<\/p>\n

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We m iss Adam\u00a0 rea l bad. Pa says that he\u2019ll be back\u00a0 before we<\/p>\n

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k now\u00a0 it, but\u00a0 I don\u2019t think\u00a0 that\u2019s true cause\u00a0 I a lready k now\u00a0 it and he a in\u2019t com i ng back\u00a0 ta us yet. Pa says that\u00a0 I\u2019ll be\u00a0 nea rly\u00a0 ten when Adam\u00a0 com es hom e. That\u2019s too\u00a0 long and\u00a0 I rote and\u00a0 to ld Adam\u00a0 so, but he a in\u2019t rote back yet.<\/p>\n

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Hoss a nd m e hav a bad\u00a0 tim e at skoo l with our teacher M iss Jones. We ca ll her Jonesy cause we don\u2019t\u00a0 like her to m uch. She gets rea l cranky when a\u00a0 fella r\u00a0 tries\u00a0 ta m ake sum\u00a0\u00a0 fun at skoo l and she m akes a fella r rite\u00a0 lines on the black board when he ain\u2019t done\u00a0 nuthin ro ng\u00a0 neither. She tries to m ake us rite a ll the tim e a nd do reading and sum s a nd stuff. She don\u2019t even k now that a fella r\u00a0 gets rea l bored doing a ll that stuff. She\u2019s so m een that she even tells\u00a0 a\u00a0 fella r\u2019s\u00a0 Pa\u00a0 to cum\u00a0\u00a0 to skoo l so that she can tell on h im\u00a0 and make him\u00a0\u00a0 get a tanning. I don\u2019t\u00a0\u00a0 like Jonesy and\u00a0 I hope that she fa lls down and breaks her\u00a0 legs. Hoss says that\u2019s a m een thing to w ish fer, but\u00a0 I don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

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Pa says that I got a\u00a0 devil in m e som etim es. I aksed him\u00a0 how<\/p>\n

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that devil got inm e, but he did n\u2019t say. I aksed him\u00a0\u00a0 iffen that devil got in up m y\u00a0 nose, and\u00a0 I stuck m y finger up there ta see iffen I cou ld fee l h im.. Pa\u00a0 sa id that\u00a0 doin that was not perlite, but\u00a0 I aksed him\u00a0 how\u00a0 e lse was\u00a0 I ta\u00a0 find\u00a0 out how\u00a0 that devil got\u00a0 in there? Pa\u00a0 jest shooked his head a nd d id n\u2019t\u00a0 te ll m\u00a0 e\u00a0 no m ore bout it.<\/p>\n

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We got gir ls at skoo l too.\u00a0 I think\u00a0 that girls a re rea l yuck y and Hoss thinks so to. We are rea l g la d that we don\u2019t have\u00a0 no\u00a0 gir ls\u00a0 in our fam\u00a0 ile. We a re a ll boys in our fam ile. G ir ls try to catch a fe lla r a nd try to k iss him\u00a0 when he ca n\u2019t get away. They<\/p>\n

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sm e llfunny\u00a0 a nd\u00a0 they gigg le\u00a0 a ll the tim e. I won\u2019t eva k iss gir ls when I get bigga\u00a0\u00a0 no way!\u00a0 Horses are m uch betta\u00a0 than gir ls a ny day.<\/p>\n

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I got a horse now. Well he\u2019s rea lly\u00a0 a\u00a0 pony cause m y\u00a0 legs a in\u2019t\u00a0 long enuff\u00a0 fer a big horse yet. Pa says that\u00a0 I can hav a big horse when m y feet can rech the stirups of his sadd le, so\u00a0 I\u2019m\u00a0 streeching em\u00a0 every day but they a in\u2019t grow n to\u00a0 long yet. Pa\u00a0 don\u2019t k now\u00a0 it, but\u00a0 I can a lredy\u00a0 ride a big horse.\u00a0 I rid\u00a0 Adam\u2019s horse Sport when no one was around and\u00a0 he a nd m e did\u00a0 jest\u00a0 fine. A nd that was without a sad le\u00a0 to! Pa wou ld\u00a0 be m ad\u00a0 ifen he\u00a0 new\u00a0 that\u00a0 I rid Adam\u2019s horse Sport but, so Sport and m e did n\u2019t\u2019 tell<\/p>\n

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h im..\u00a0 Pa\u00a0 thinks that\u00a0 I\u2019m\u00a0 go nna\u00a0 fa ll off or sum ething.<\/p>\n

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Pa\u00a0 thinks\u00a0 I\u2019m\u00a0\u00a0 gonna\u00a0 fa ll off a big horse cause that\u2019s what m y Mam a did. She fa lled\u00a0 off her horse a\u00a0 lo ng tim e ago when I was four a nd she broke her head off at her neck. Pa\u00a0 asked the doctor ta put it on agen but he cou ld n\u2019t, so Pa put m y Mam a in a big box and put her in the ground\u00a0 instead. Sum etim es we go a nd visit\u00a0 her down by the\u00a0 lake and we take her flowers. Pa\u00a0 sum etim es\u00a0 crys when we go there and so do\u00a0 I. He says that Mam a\u00a0 is a\u00a0 a nge l in heaven and sum etim es we\u00a0 look\u00a0 up a nd see her in the sky at night tim e. I say a prayer to m y Mam a, but\u00a0 I w ish that she w u ld\u00a0 cum\u00a0 hom e a gen and say hey to us.<\/p>\n

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Hoss don\u2019t have\u00a0 no Mam a\u00a0 neither. Neither does Adam . A ll our Mam as got dead and Pa says that he was b lest cause he k new\u00a0 em when they weren\u2019t dead. I don\u2019t k now\u00a0 bout that but, cause I<\/p>\n

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d id n\u2019t k now\u00a0 em\u00a0\u00a0 neither. Pa\u00a0 gived\u00a0 us a ll a p icta of our Mam as and m ine\u00a0 is rea l prety. Pa says she was the prettiest\u00a0 lad i\u00a0 in New\u00a0 Or leens which\u00a0 is where she done\u00a0 lived when he m et her. They<\/p>\n

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cum ed to The Po nda rosa and this is where I got borned. Pa says that I was the sm a llest\u00a0 ba by there ever was. Adam\u00a0 says that\u00a0 I cryed a\u00a0 lot and Hop Sing says so to.<\/p>\n

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Hop Sing is our cook and he\u00a0 looks afta us to. He keps our house real c leen. Hop Sing ye lls a\u00a0\u00a0 lot\u00a0 but\u00a0 I still\u00a0 luv\u00a0 h im\u00a0\u00a0 cause he don\u2019t m een it. He ca n cook\u00a0 rea l good a nd Hoss reko ns he\u2019s just bout the best cook\u00a0 in the who le world.\u00a0 I don\u2019t k now\u00a0\u00a0 bout that but, cause\u00a0 I ha v n\u2019t ever been to the who le\u00a0 world.<\/p>\n

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My Pa has been to the who le world. He used ta be a sa ilor\u00a0 and\u00a0 he sa iled\u00a0 in big boats rite way round\u00a0 the who le\u00a0 world. That was befor he m et Adam\u2019s Mam a and had Adam\u00a0 when he was a baby. My Pa\u00a0 te lls\u00a0 us storys bout a ll the p laces he\u2019s been and their rea l intresting to. When I grow up\u00a0 I a in\u2019t gonna\u00a0 go round the world\u00a0 but.\u00a0 I\u2018m\u00a0\u00a0 gonna\u00a0\u00a0 s tay here at The Pondarosa\u00a0 cause\u00a0 I luv\u00a0\u00a0 living here. I think\u00a0 that Adam\u00a0 shu ld\u00a0 cum\u00a0\u00a0 back\u00a0 to The Po ndarasa and\u00a0 liv here to. He\u00a0 shu ld\u00a0 have enuff\u00a0 eddacashion\u00a0 now.<\/p>\n

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That\u00a0 is a ll\u00a0 I got\u00a0 to say rite\u00a0 now . I gotta\u00a0 go fer supper Hop Sing says. I w ill rite\u00a0 in m y book\u00a0 agen a nother\u00a0 timee<\/p>\n

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9th April 1851<\/p>\n

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I guess that I should have kept writing in this here diary all these years, but I lost it in the big mess in my room and I just found it again. Seems that I never did get round to writing in it again. I never did like writing and I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m doing it now, cept that I ain\u2019t got nothing else ta do being stuck up here in my room like I am. Pa says I can\u2019t come out until supper and he don\u2019t understand that a fellar gets real bored up here all alone.<\/p>\n

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Pa says that my room is a disgrace and I reckon he\u2019s right, but I don\u2019t see any point in cleaning it up when its just gonna get messed up again. Adam says it\u2019s real messy too and if he were my Pa he\u2019d tan me fer it. I don\u2019t care what he says but and I jest told him that I\u2019m sure glad he ain\u2019t my Pa! My brother Adam is one bossy person and I wish he\u2019d stick his nose right outta my business! I would tell him that too, but he might pound me iffen I did and he\u2019s still bigger than me.<\/p>\n

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Seems that everyone is bigger than me! I measure myself every week, but I never seem ta grow. It ain\u2019t fair! At fourteen I think I should be starting to grow some at least. Pa says that good things come in small packages, but that can\u2019t be true cause if it was then what about my brother Hoss? He ain\u2019t small, but he\u2019s a right good person I reckon. My brother Hoss is just about the biggest man there is. He\u2019s strong enuff ta lift me off the ground under one arm while picking up a calf in the other and he don\u2019t even sweat none when he does it. He reckons that he\u2019s always picking me up outta trubble, but he don\u2019t mean really picking me up in that way. He says that one day he\u2019s gonna wipe me on his boots ta polish em up iffen I don\u2019t stop getting him inta trubble, but I know that he\u2019s just funning with me.<\/p>\n

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My brother Hoss and me have a great time together. He understands me, which is more than other people do. I don\u2019t think I understand myself most of the time to be honest, so I don\u2019t blame em. Pa says that I\u2019ll be the death of him and I hope that ain\u2019t true, cause he\u2019s the best Pa ever. He\u2019s got lots of patiense, but sometimes he loses it with me cause I\u2019ve got the devil in me \u2026 that\u2019s what he says anyways.<\/p>\n

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I don\u2019t mean ta have the devil in me, but sometimes he just gets inside me when I ain\u2019t looking I reckon. I must admit that sometimes life can get pretty boring and if it weren\u2019t for that devil then I\u2019d just about lay down and die of boredom. That devil can sure make life intresting at times! One thing\u2019s fer sure but, that devil has sure caused me ta get a lot of tannings over the years.<\/p>\n

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You would think that Pa would get sick of tanning me, but it ain\u2019t so. I keep telling him that I\u2019m too big for him ta raise his hand to me now, but he says that as long as I live under his roof, then he has a duty to raise me right \u2026 and that includes tannings. I told him that he might be still tanning me when I\u2019m fifty then, cause I ain\u2019t going anywheres, but that just made him tan me again. Gee my butt gets sore sometimes!<\/p>\n

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It\u2019s true what I said but. I ain\u2019t going anywhere. Leastways not for a long time yet. I reckon there\u2019s a lot of world out there ta see, but I ain\u2019t interested in seeing it while I\u2019ve got The Ponderosa to live on. This is the best place in the world to be I reckon. Hoss says so too and so does Pa. I think that Adam ain\u2019t so sure though. Sometimes I have a feeling that my eldest brother don\u2019t wanna live here no more. That\u2019d suit me fine if he went off some place and left me alone. He\u2019s always sticking his nose into my business and ratting on me ta Pa.<\/p>\n

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Like last week for instance. Well how was a fellar ta know that Adam was so close to the house when I was practising with my gun? If I\u2019d of known then I never woulda done it. Old bossy boots hadta go and tell on me of course and Pa gave me a right hard tanning. He didn\u2019t understand that I was only taking potshots at birds \u2026 I weren\u2019t aiming at the house or nothing and it weren\u2019t my fault that a window got broke with one of the bullets.<\/p>\n

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My gun is real fine and I\u2019m getting better with it every day. Adam has given me lots of lessons and so has Pa and they\u2019re both real fine shots. Hoss is too, but he usually teaches me other things. We mostly go fishin together and we have a right fine time. Hoss is my best friend in the whole world, he is.<\/p>\n

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I got lots other friends too at school and stuff. We have rite fine times. Me and Mitch Devlin is real good friends and so is me and Sarah. Sarah is real nice even if she is a girl. Sometimes I wonder bout her but. I saw her kissing Seth Pruitt behind the school house one day last week and I thought she had more sense than that.<\/p>\n

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I reckon that kissing is dumb. I tried it once with Hallie and once with Connie and it was just all slobbery. I don\u2019t know why Sarah wants to kiss Seth. If she ever tries it with me then I\u2019ll tell her off. Girls can really spoil things fer a fellar sometimes.<\/p>\n

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Adam reckons that one day I\u2019ll like kissing girls. I told him no way. He kisses lots of girls and he\u2019s good at it to. I\u2019ve seen him lotsa times when he don\u2019t know that I\u2019m looking. I\u2019m good at that. I can sneek up and listen to people and watch em doing things when they don\u2019t know that I\u2019m there. Hoss says I must be part injun the way I can walk so quiet, but he\u2019s only funning cause I know that I ain\u2019t.<\/p>\n

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My Mama was from New Orleans and there weren\u2019t no injun in her. She was Creeol but, which means that she comes from French people. Pa says that she could speak French so she musta been real clever. I don\u2019t remember her much, cept little bits in the back of my mind sometimes. Pa tells me lots about her and so does Adam and Hoss when they\u2019ve a mind to. Wish I could remember her, but I guess I\u2019m luckier than my brothers cause they can\u2019t remember there mothers at all.<\/p>\n

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Anyways, I reckon I\u2019m gonna watch Adam real close with how he kisses and stuff, cause you never know when you might need to know how. Girls like me lots I can tell. Pity bout how giggly they are all the time though. Sarah ain\u2019t giggly. No way! She and me gets on real fine most of the time. We went with Seth Pruitt and found a bear cub the other day. We had a couple of crow guns with us, but we hadta run when the mother bear came. Sarah didn\u2019t cry like most girls woulda but. She jest ran with us and we all laughed later. Pa didn\u2019t laugh but when he found out. Another tanning thanks to brother Adam who heard me and Seth laughing bout it later. He really likes getting me into truuble.<\/p>\n

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Hoss don\u2019t ever get me into truuble, cause he says he ain\u2019t got time. He reckons I get us both into truuble enough fer two and he\u2019s probabbly right. I told him that I can\u2019t help it and that it\u2019s the devil that Pa always says is in me that does it, but he jest shakes his head when I say that. Ain\u2019t my fault iffen that devil gives me good ideas to have fun. Hoss don\u2019t need ta do what I tell him to anyways and it\u2019s his fault iffen he lets me get him into truuble.<\/p>\n

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Hoss is real good with animals and stuff and I wish I was good with em like he is. One things fer sure though, I reckon I\u2019ll be better than him at breaking horses when Pa lets me start. Pa don\u2019t know it, but I\u2019ve already started when no one\u2019s around. I tried one of the new blacks last week and we did jest fine. I hadta be sure that brother Adam weren\u2019t around when I was trying him out but, or you know what woulda happened.<\/p>\n

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Pa says he\u2019s gonna take me on a Grand Swing next month. He says that it\u2019ll help me to learn all what The Ponderosa is all about. I reckon it\u2019ll be jest fine to go with Pa all by myself. Pa took Hoss once when he was bout my age too. Adam never got to go but cause we didn\u2019t have enuff land to do a Grand Swing when he was my age. Hoss told me that Pa makes ya put ya name on a tree at the end. He did. I told him that I\u2019ll put my name jest near his and I\u2019m glad that brother Adam never got to put his name there neither. It would spoil it fer Hoss and me.<\/p>\n

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Hoss don\u2019t mind Adam. He\u2019s funny like that. Him and Adam get on real fine and sometimes they go to town at night and have a real fine time. I can hardly wait until Pa says I can go with em, cause I reckon I will have a fine time too. Adam is teaching me to play poker so that I\u2019ll be ready when Pa lets me go. He\u2019s good at poker. Sometimes Hoss plays with us too. He ain\u2019t so good and sometimes I can beat him.<\/p>\n

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Adam says that a fellar can play poker in the Silver Dollar Saloon and that\u2019s why he and Hoss go in there every Saturday night. Pa don\u2019t like em going to much cause he thinks they waist there money. I think he really don\u2019t like em going in there cause they see lotsa ladies in there and they drink lots of beer to.<\/p>\n

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Pa drinks beer but he also drinks brandy. Adam does too. Hoss only likes beer but. I will drink beer and brandy and everything when I get bigger and can go to the Silver Dollar Saloon. Pa don\u2019t know it, but I already tasted beer. Hoss let me try his one day. He snuck it outside and I tasted it. It was OK. I also tried brandy. Pa left some in a glass when we had a party and I finished it off. It was OK too and it made me feel all hot inside. Guess that\u2019s what Pa means when he says that it warms you up. He made me have some once when I got a cold last winter. That made me feel sleepy.<\/p>\n

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I reckon that beer can make ya sleepy too. One night I waked up and Pa was yelling at my brothers in the middle of the night. They came back from town real late and they was so sleepy that they couldn\u2019t stand up straight. It also gives you headaches. I know cause the next day they both had big headaches. Pa made em work anyways and he said they couldn\u2019t stay in bed. It gives you red eyes as well.<\/p>\n

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Adam kisses ladies in the saloon sometimes. I seen him. There\u2019s a spot where a fellar can lie on the ground and see under the swinging door of the Silver Dollar if your careful not to stay there to long and get stepped on. I lay there one day and saw Adam kissing this lady in a short skirt. When I asked him bout it later but, he didn\u2019t answer. I told him how am I gonna know how to kiss iffen he don\u2019t tell me how, but he said to shut up. Sometimes he\u2019s right moody.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My other best friend in the whole world is my horse Cochise. I sometimes call him Coochie. I got him for my birthday when I was 12 and he\u2019s the best horse ever. Adam says that his horse Sport is the best ever, but I say he\u2019s wrong cause Coochie is. Cochise is a pinto and that means that he\u2019s more than one colour. He\u2019s black and white and he\u2019s real pretty. Not pretty like a girl but \u2026 pretty like a horse is pretty. Him and me like to ride around real fast but we don\u2019t do it when Pa or Adam is around cause they don\u2019t like us to. Pa thinks I\u2019m gonna fall or something. He don\u2019t really understand how good a rider I am. Anyways, iffen I fall off then I can jest get back on, but Pa don\u2019t seem to understand that. I think it\u2019s because he\u2019s scared I\u2019m gonna get killed like my mother did when she fell off her horse and broke her neck. I ain\u2019t gonna though.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I reckon it\u2019s nearly supper time now cause I can hear Hop Sing rattling pots in the kitchen downstairs. That\u2019s good cause I\u2019ll get to leave my room soon. I can see all over the back yard and clear down to the creek iffen I look out of my window, and I can hear Hop Sing in the kitchen iffen I listen real hard sometimes. He hears me sometimes too. I know that fer sure cause sometimes he\u2019s waiting ger me when I slide off the roof after I get out of my window. He don\u2019t do nothing or tell Pa, he jest stands there and looks at me until I haveta go back up agen. He don\u2019t understand that a fellar can\u2019t stand being up here all by himself. I told him that I was always going to see Cochise in the barn even when I weren\u2019t, but he never seems to believe me, so I haveta come back up again. Just as well it ain\u2019t Adam who sees me. Hop Sing don\u2019t mean nothing by it, he jest thinks like Pa does and says that I need to be punished when I get into truuble. He yells a lot sometimes, but he loves us all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can hear Pa coming upstairs now, so I reckon he\u2019s gonna tell me that I can come down fer supper. Sure hope I don\u2019t get another tanning. I will put this book somewhere safe so\u2019s that I can write in it again. It\u2019s kinda fun writing in it when a fellar has got nothing else to do stuck up here.<\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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1st December 1857<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Funny how this book has turned up again in all the mess under my bed. Guess I\u2019m still no better at keeping my room clean at twenty-one than I was at fourteen, although at first glance it looks OK. I think I\u2019ve just got better at shoving everything under my bed. I\u2019d forgotten all about the book and I\u2019ve had the best fun reading back over all that I wrote all those years ago. I never did get around to writing in it again, although Lord knows I spent enough time up in this room to be able to fill it up completely. Still, I never was much good at doing things I said I\u2019m going to, but it seems I\u2019m meant to write in this darned thing every few years, so here I go again. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Seems kinda strange now that I look back on it. When I was seven I couldn\u2019t wait for Adam to get home, yet when I was fourteen I couldn\u2019t wait to be rid of him. Pretty typical of the age I suppose, although I still feel like that about him even now that I\u2019m a man grown. That older brother of mine can sometimes be so hard to get on with. Would you believe that he still treats me like a kid sometimes? Hard to understand the way his mind works as well. One minute he\u2019s quite bearable and the next he\u2019s going on about one of his pet projects or other. Gee he\u2019s boring at times! He and Pa had this big fight about windmills once. Adam reckoned that we need one on the ranch and Pa said that we don\u2019t. Pa says that sometimes Adam\u2019s education gets in the way of his thinking and I think he\u2019s right. Still, we did end up getting a windmill and it\u2019s a good thing, so older brother does know what he\u2019s talking about. Even Pa agrees with that. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam is real smart, there\u2019s no doubt about that. He thinks he\u2019s real clever though and that gets on my nerves sometimes. Seems that every time I go to do something Adam has done it before or at least he\u2019s full of advice about how I should do it. He can be real irritating sometimes. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Hoss ain\u2019t though. Don\u2019t know what I\u2019d ever do without that big old brother of mine. He and I get on real well and now that I\u2019m fully grown I guess he depends on me quite a bit. You know \u2026 with the ladies and such-like. I must admit that I have quite a way with the ladies, even if I do say so myself. Hoss don\u2019t seem too confident with the ladies, although there was a couple of women he liked. There was that Emily girl that he was right keen on, but she went away and died the next winter. He was real cut up about that and it took him a long time to get over her. Then there was that Helen Layton. Best not to talk bout her though. Me and Adam fixed her good. She wasn\u2019t really in love with Hoss, just after his money that she thought he had. Sometimes Hoss is so busy seeing the good in people that he gets in fixes without knowing about it. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Since I can remember, Hoss has been bringing home strays and that includes people as well as animals. Pa says he has a heart as big as his body and I know that\u2019s true, but sometimes I wish he\u2019d just think before he brings some of em home. Funny, because that what Pa says about me. He says I should learn to think before I do things, so I reckon it runs in the family. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Not older brother Adam though. He sure does lots of thinking. Sometimes he sits up in his room for ages thinking out plans for the ranch and then he and Pa have lots of discussions about what he\u2019s come up with. I wish everyone would take as much notice of me as they do of Adam. After all, I\u2019m a man grown now, but everyone seems to think I\u2019m still a kid or something. I\u2019m tired of being the little brother lots of the time. I\u2019m tired of the name Little Joe too. When Pa says it then it ain\u2019t too bad, but when Adam and Hoss say it, then it sounds like their making out that I\u2019m a kid or something.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After all, I\u2019ve been engaged to be married already. Honest! Her name was Amy and me and she was gonna get married before she died. That was real sad and I grew up a lot at that time. Some people might say that I was too young to be married back then, but I knew my mind and I loved her. I think I lost my mind though when that crazy Tirza girl showed up. She was a gypsy and I think she put the devil back into me again. Honest! I thought I loved her, but now I reckon I didn\u2019t. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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There was another lady too a long time ago. I call her a lady cause she weren\u2019t no girl, but there are some who called her other names too. I don\u2019t care what they said, she was always a lady to me. Julia was her name and she was \u2026 well, she was famous round these parts for the sort of thing that usually goes on upstairs of the Silver Dollar. She had her own place \u2026 called it Julia\u2019s Palace \u2026 and it was real classy. She taught me a thing or two I can tell you! But I ain\u2019t gonna talk bout that here, cause it\u2019s kinda disrespectful to her. She\u2019s dead ya see \u2026 and she was the loveliest lady I ever met. Reminded me what my mother might have been like I reckon. Anyways that\u2019s what Pa says mighta attracted me to her in the first place. She spoke French and came from New Orleans just like my Ma did.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So you can see that I ain\u2019t inexperienced when it comes to the ladies. In fact, I reckon I\u2019m more experienced than my brother Hoss. He\u2019s still real shy with womenfolk and Pa says that he really despairs of any of us ever giving him any grandchildren. It don\u2019t look like he\u2019s gonna get any from Adam, that\u2019s for sure!<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For all his brains, my brother Adam has real strange taste in women. He\u2019s right popular with em like I am, but he just seems to pick some that are right weird. First there was that Regina woman that he just up and took off after. She had a strange family \u2026 Quakers or something like that and I guess it didn\u2019t work out cause of their differences. I\u2019m not quite sure what happened, but I was glad that he broke it off with her. She was right strange! Then there was that woman he met when he went off and got himself hurt a while back. Ruth her name was. Seems that the injuns worshipped her as a woman god or something. I mean, come on! Can you imagine her in our family? <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Actually, I wish that older brother would settle down with someone. That way maybe he\u2019d be happier and not pick on me so much. Anyone would think that I was a kid the way he carries on sometimes. I think he\u2019s jealous of my natural good looks and charm. Anyways, if he settled down then maybe he\u2019d move out and get a house of his own. I reckon that\u2019d be good and it\u2019d give Pa some grandchildren too.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sometimes I reckon that my Pa ain\u2019t ready for grandchildren but. He\u2019s still an attractive man, my Pa. I reckon that\u2019s where I get my good looks and charm from. There are always women running after my Pa and maybe one day he\u2019ll surprise us all and bring home a wife? I have a feeling that my Pa has had quite a past with the ladies if you know what I mean, although he don\u2019t talk about it that much. There was this Countess lady who came all the way from England to try and get him to marry her, but we soon got rid of her. She was a right pain and brought this horrible painting over that she wanted to hang up in the living room. Thanks goodness she ended up cutting it to pieces or we woulda been stuck with it. She tried to suck up to me and tell me that she coulda been my Ma just because she\u2019d known my Pa before I was born. As if! <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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There was this other woman too \u2026. Jennifer her name was. Actually we all thought that Pa had gone and got married, but it turned out to be a trick. I was wishing that it hadn\u2019t been, because she was a real looker and it would have been great to have her around the house all day. Don\u2019t know how she woulda got on with Hop Sing but, cause he don\u2019t like anyone interfering with his house. Maybe it was for the best that she didn\u2019t stay?<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I seem to spend a lot of my time thinking about girls and I reckon that I\u2019ve got hot blood like my Ma had. I\u2019ve heard people talk about her \u2026 about how she was a Creole from New Orleans. I think there\u2019s something about her past that Pa\u2019s not telling me, cause every time I try to get it out of him he goes all funny and says that it doesn\u2019t matter what she did in the past. That tells me that she did do something \u2026 I just wish I knew what it was.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my Ma hadn\u2019t died when I was a little kid. I wonder if she woulda been able to tame that devil that Pa said I used to have inside me. I think she mighta, because from what Adam and Hoss tell me she had a bit of a devil in her too. Reckon that\u2019s where I might have got it from. Still, it ain\u2019t no use wondering cause I reckon I\u2019ll never know. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love my Pa and he\u2019s been real good in trying to bring me up right \u2026 but it would have been nice to have a Ma as well.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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I used to really feel different from the other kids sometimes when I was growing up. It was like there was a piece of me missing and whenever they\u2019d talk about their Ma\u2019s I would feel it even more. Pa always said that he tried to be both father and mother to all of us and I reckon he did a good job. When the time comes for me to be a Pa I hope I can be just as good as he is. Not that I wanna be a Pa yet! I\u2019ve learnt my lesson about that for sure. I reckon I\u2019ve got lots of living to do before I settle down and have a family. Problem is that I just keep meeting girls that I want to .. you know \u2026 with and most of them are proper and seem to think that means marriage. I reckon I\u2019ll just keep visiting them rooms upstairs of the Silver Dollar and things will be OK in that department.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Don\u2019t get me wrong \u2026 it ain\u2019t as if I go up there all the time. But a fellar gets needs sometimes and when that happens \u2026 well, I ain\u2019t gonna talk bout that here in case someone nosey finds this book and reads it. Anyways, big brother Adam goes up there a lot and he wouldn\u2019t dare tell on me cause he knows that I\u2019d tell on him too! I don\u2019t think that Hoss even knows what\u2019s up there, but then maybe he does. Who can tell with that brother of mine? I honestly don\u2019t know how Pa has managed without a wife all these years. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa is much better at treating me like a man now. He lets me do lots of the work that I like, especially breaking horses. We round up lots of horses from the high country and Pa sells lots of em to the army and such like, so there\u2019s always horses to be broke. I like doing it and I\u2019m good at it too. It sure beats mending fences and other boring chores. I think that Adam is jealous of me cause I can break horses better than him, but I don\u2019t care. Hoss prefers to work with the cattle and he\u2019s real good at it. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Pa says I\u2019m a born natural on a horse and I reckon he\u2019s right. I\u2019ve still got my Cochise and we ride everywhere together, but I do like trying out other horses too. My Ma was a real good rider and Pa and my brothers had me on a horse before I could walk, so I reckon it\u2019s in my blood. I do like working, but sometimes I wish there weren\u2019t so much of it though. Pa says it takes an awful lot of work to run a place the size of The Ponderosa and he sure ain\u2019t wrong! It ain\u2019t that I mind doing the work, but I must admit that it can sure get in the way of other things a fellar could be doing.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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I always volunteer to get supplies for Hop Sing cause I\u2019m a naturally sociable fellar and like going into town. Trouble is, Pa don\u2019t always agree with me spending so much time in town. What he just don\u2019t seem to understand is that working all the time can get a bit boring and a fellar needs a break. Besides, I reckon I owe it to all the ladies in town to show my face in there on a regular basis, cause they look forward to me coming in so often.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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I don\u2019t want you to get the wrong idea about me though. There are other things in town that a fellar can get interested in. Like poker. I really like poker, but I\u2019m no good at it. I sometimes lose my whole pay, although I make sure that Pa don\u2019t find out if I can avoid it. And drinking. If I had my way I\u2019d go to the Silver Dollar every second day \u2026 make that every day. Ranching is thirsty work and beer every now and then never hurt anyone. Even Pa agrees with that. Only trouble is that his idea of now and then and my idea of now and then is two completely different now and thens. <\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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This is actually interesting writing in this book. I won\u2019t leave it so long until I write in it again. Pa always keeps a journal and he\u2019s always nagging at me to keep one too, but I guess I\u2019m just not organised enough. Pa says that it does a man good to write down his thoughts. I know that Adam keeps a diary too. Maybe I\u2019ll do this every week \u2026 just to see if it works. Wish I could get a look at Adam\u2019s diary cause I reckon it would be real intresting to read it and maybe I could use some of the information. He hides it real good but. I haveta hide this book real good in case some busy body starts nosing around to find it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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15th May 1864<\/p>\n

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I had a good laugh when I read that last sentence that I wrote all that time ago. It seems that my resolution to keep a diary didn\u2019t last any longer than the time it took to put the book away! I think that hiding it at the back of my cupboard wasn\u2019t the best idea, because obviously as soon as I\u201dd hidden it I forgot where I\u2019d put it. That\u2019s pretty typical of me though I guess. Adam says that I can never stick to anything and I reckon that in some things he\u2019s right \u2026 but there\u2019s no way I\u2019d tell him that of course.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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Still, I can\u2019t believe that it\u2019s been about seven years since I wrote in this book. Twenty-eight seems so old compared with the way I was back then. Reading back over my attempt to start up a diary all those years ago, it\u2019s pretty obvious that my thoughts were all over the place. Now if this book belonged to Adam, well every paragraph would have been planned and it would have been so precise. Not me though … no siree! I guess I write the way I live my live I reckon \u2026 all over the place. Can\u2019t help it really, so here goes yet another rambling. If anyone ever reads this book, they\u2019ll just have to take it as it comes \u2026 cause that\u2019s just the way I am. I say it how and when I feel it.<\/p>\n

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I guess I saw myself as pretty grown up back then. I thought I was a man grown, but now I know that it doesn\u2019t matter how old you are, it\u2019s what\u2019s in your mind that makes you grown up or not. Pa has been real good in helping me to understand that. I think that back then I was ruled by what I thought everyone else was doing and trying to prove myself grown up to my brothers and my Pa. I guess that\u2019s why I kept proposing to every girl that I came across. Thank the Lord that I never actually got to the altar with any of them, for I know now that they were simply a means to an end.<\/p>\n

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I was a young man with lots of hot blood then. I guess I\u2019ve still got the hot blood \u2026 Lord knows it\u2019s sometimes too hot for me to handle \u2026 but I think that I know a lot more about life now. Life is actually pretty good. I\u2019m still a right popular fellar and have lots of girls when I want. Being a Cartwright can be a real advantage when it comes to women, for just about every Mama around here would love their daughters to marry one of us. Sometimes that can backfire on us as well though. Once those Mama\u2019s get their hooks into you, you\u2019d better run fast! All of us have discovered that.<\/p>\n

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Adam nearly gave in and got hitched a while back. Pretty widow by the name of Laura. I never said this to him at the time, but I\u2019m sure glad that she up and married cousin Will in the end. Laura was pretty enough, but not too bright in the top storey if you know what I mean. I couldn\u2019t see brother Adam happy with her for too long. She did have a cute daughter called Peggy though and I reckon that Adam actually loved Peggy more than he loved Laura. I heard Pa say that he thought that Adam was in love with the idea of getting married and I reckon that he\u2019s right, only Adam don\u2019t really know how to go about it now that he\u2019s getting so old.<\/p>\n

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Funny thing is, that he could take his pick of any girl round here if he wanted to. Just like me. Even Abigail Jones was after him for a while there, but Hoss and me got rid of her and arranged for Hank Myers to sweep her off her feet. And I mean really sweep her off her feet! One day he swept her right into a mud puddle and that was real funny to see. Old Jonsey sitting down the middle of a mud puddle! Adam didn\u2019t help none though, cause he kept on attracting her even when he didn\u2019t want to. Could you have imagined old Jonesy in our family? If Adam had gone and married her, well then I think the rest of us woulda moved to San Francisco to get away from them.<\/p>\n

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Seems to be a family trait, attracting women like that. Pa sure still does it. There\u2019s lots of women in town who\u2019d love for him to fall in love with em. I guess that my Pa is one attractive man and having money and lots of land don\u2019t hurt neither. There was this one woman who loved him a lot. Her name was Joan and she\u2019d been raised by the injuns. They gave her to Pa and he helped to make her behave like white women do. Only trouble was that she ended up wanting to marry him. I reckon he broke her heart when he wouldn\u2019t, but I\u2019m right glad that he did. I sure didn\u2019t want her as a step-ma.<\/p>\n

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I could do with a sister-in law- but. Just not Laura Dayton. Adam seems to be over her now, but he ain\u2019t looking serious about anyone else. The problem with Adam is that he thinks a lot of himself and some women just naturally get turned off by that. So do some brothers! He goes around dressed all in black too, which looks a bit dumb. He thinks that it attracts the ladies but that is pretty stupid. Everyone knows that women like a fellar to dress good. I always wear black gloves cause I know they look sexy and I think the ladies appreciate it.<\/p>\n

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Pa has lots of money, but he don\u2019t believe in spending it much. Leastways not on us. We all get our wages regular like the hands do, but Pa doesn\u2019t seem to understand that a fellar sometimes needs more. Things in town can be real expensive, especially if a fellar has to buy drinks for his friends and play a bit of poker. Pa don\u2019t seem to think that it\u2019s important to buy lots of clothes either. He says that we can make do with what we\u2019ve got and wear it until it wears out. I reckon his attitude comes from the days when he had nothing to spend. Adam has told me that they were right poor when he was young.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

I understand that, but I still think that Pa needs to loosen the purse strings a bit more. I only have my work clothes, my best blue suit and a couple of extra white shirts and that\u2019s it. I told Pa that a fellar needs more if he\u2019s gonna impress the ladies, but Pa says that I impress the ladies enough without more clothes.<\/p>\n

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I guess I do. Would you believe that I was engaged again? I didn\u2019t mean to be and I guess I wasn\u2019t in love with her, but I felt so darned sorry for her. You see I shot her \u2026 accidentally of course \u2026 and she got blinded. I thought that if I married her that I could look after her. I guess I was feeling guilty and I was real relieved when she got her sight back again and left.<\/p>\n

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There was this other girl who wanted to marry me too. She caused me all sorts of problems. Her name was Cal \u2026 short for Calamity Jane. You\u2019ve probably heard of her cause she\u2019s the girlfriend of Doc Holliday. Well Cal was overcome by my natural good looks and charm and she got me into trouble with Doc Holliday who was gonna face me down in a gunfight. Now you won\u2019t believe this, but he backed down when he realised I was about to beat him. Honest! I still find it hard to believe it myself, but it happened. Anyways, Cal went off with him thank the Lord and that was the last I saw of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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Things like that are always happening to me. Pa used to say it was the devil in me, but I say that it\u2019s not my fault. Like when I got shot. That wasn\u2019t my fault and I don\u2019t see how anyone could say that it was. Would you believe that it was my brother Adam who shot me? He says that he mistook me for a wolf at the time, but I have my doubts. I don\u2019t mean that he did it on purpose, cause I know that he wouldn\u2019t do that \u2026 I just mean that maybe it wasn\u2019t so big of a mistake as he\u2019d have everyone believe. I mean, whoever heard of a wolf looking like me? I don\u2019t say much about it though, because I know he feels guilty about it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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I really think that Adam is jealous of me because I\u2019m so good looking and have so much natural charm. I had to fight him a while back about a Mexican girl who was staying with us. She was a real looker and I impressed her with my musical harmonica-playing skills, but older brother had to try and go one better and get out his guitar to serenade her. Funny thing was though, that Hoss ended up winning her in the end and me and Adam still haven\u2019t figured out how he did that.<\/p>\n

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My brother Hoss can be a bit sneaky sometimes. I know because I\u2019ve spent my whole life being good at being sneaky and Pa says that it takes one to know one. I was complaining one day about having to wear pink longjohns \u2026 actually they weren\u2019t pink to start with, but Hop Sing accidentally put them in the wash with one of Hoss\u2019 red flannel shirts and they came out pink. Pa said that I wasn\u2019t to waste them and who would be seeing them anyway? Little does he know that lotsa women have seen my longjohns, but that\u2019s another story. Anyways, I was complaining about Pa making me wear them, when Hoss told me that my Ma used to dress me in pink baby things when I was first born. Seems that she thought I was gonna be a girl and had made all the wrong colour. Pa woulda made her dress me in them cause he wouldn\u2019t want them wasted, but I can\u2019t honestly say that for sure. I don\u2019t know if Hoss is funning me or not when he says that, cause Pa and Adam won\u2019t say a word about it. They just give each other funny looks.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The colour of my underwear ain\u2019t that important I guess, but it does make a fellar think twice about what he\u2019s got on before he goes into town. I mean, you never know who\u2019s gonna see under your clothing if you know what I mean. Most of the time I just don\u2019t wear any, but Pa says that ain\u2019t right, so I pretend that I do. No underwear makes sense to me though. It looks better when your trousers are real tight and it saves time if you know what I mean. I like my trousers to be tight cause they show off my good legs, but I sure wish that I could wear those ones out and get some new ones. These ones were made when I was still growing and they\u2019re too short.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It is important to look good and I usually look just fine. I spend a lot of time making sure that I look my best even if I\u2019m usually in my work clothes, cause the ladies appreciate it. They all say that I\u2019ve got the best hair and I know that I do have the best hair in our family. Pa is kinda grey now and Adam and Hoss are right thin on top. That\u2019s another reason why I reckon Adam is jealous of me. I\u2019ve got real thick curls and the ladies like to run their fingers through it. I don\u2019t let them do it very often though, because I have to be careful that it sits just right. That\u2019s because of my ears which I must admit sorta stick out a bit and are bigger than I think they should be. Pa used to say that I\u2019d grow into them, but I never did. That\u2019s why I have to have my hair just right and the curls need to be down over my ears. After all, it\u2019s important for a fellar to look his best.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I like my work on the ranch a lot. Pa lets me do lots of the deciding about the horses now and that makes me feel like I\u2019m really contributing a lot. Pa trusts me with the horses because I\u2019m so good with them \u2026 just like Hoss is good with the cattle and Adam is good with the figures and the big plans for the ranch. Pa says that The Ponderosa is for all of us and I think that he\u2019s pleased that we all have different interests in the work we do. He says that we will all be able to run it when he\u2019s gone cause we can all take on our own responsibilities.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t like to think of Pa not being here, although it stands to reason that one day he won\u2019t be. I just hope that when the three of us are running the ranch that Adam lets Hoss and me have a bigger say than we do now. It seems to me that Pa leans on Adam an awful lot more than he used to and I don\u2019t know that older brother is too happy with that sometimes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to explain, but there are times when Adam seems kind of distant. I don\u2019t mean with me, cause we don\u2019t always get on and he often stays away from me, but with Hoss and Pa too lately. I know that Pa worries about him and maybe that\u2019s why he leans on him so much \u2026 to try and get him more involved in what\u2019s happening. I get the feeling that there are times when Adam would like to leave for a while and try something different. I wouldn\u2019t mind if he did, cause it would be nice to be able to have a bigger say in what goes on around here and that\u2019s hard with him looking over my shoulder all the time. But then again, I suppose I\u2019d miss him. I know that Pa and Hoss would.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss are real close. Sometimes I get a bit jealous of that, because they tend to leave me out of things. I guess that\u2019s normal seeing as how there\u2019s three of us and I know that Adam gets a bit jealous when it\u2019s me and Hoss together. We all fight at times, but we\u2019re brothers through and through and Pa says that\u2019s as it should be.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So that\u2019s about all I have to say right now. I guess it\u2019s pointless saying that I\u2019ll be writing a lot more in this book cause knowing me I guess I won\u2019t. Maybe one day I will, but I wouldn\u2019t hold my breath if I were you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

4th February 1871<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been re-reading the last few pages of this book and feeling a bit sad. I can\u2019t help but feel that the last part was quite prophetic considering what happened less than a year after I wrote those words. Seven years on I feel quite old at times \u2026 much older than my years which is strange as Pa has spent years telling me to grow up and act my age. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How I wish that I could be that carefree boy again! Life was so simple back in those days and I never really appreciated the advantages I had. To grow up with such love in my life was something that I now realise was so special. For years I fought against what I felt what the interference of my family \u2026 now I can see that all they were only showing me love and support. Lord knows that I needed it! I was one mixed up kid for a while there. Pa always said that I was wild and he was right. I really don\u2019t know how he kept his patience with me all those years. He really has been a wonderful father and I owe him a lot.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We all owe him a lot. That\u2019s why I can\u2019t really come to terms with what Adam did to him by leaving as he did. I try to understand it and most of the time I do, but then I look into Pa\u2019s eyes and I find it so hard to understand how Adam could have done that to him. Adam of all of us should have known how Pa would react to him leaving. After all, he\u2019s seen more than Hoss or I what losing someone does to Pa. He\u2019s lost too many people in his life already, and didn\u2019t need to suffer through Adam leaving yet again.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is twice now that he\u2019s broken our family up. The first time when he went to college I don\u2019t remember too well. I only remember that I couldn\u2019t understand why he had to go for a long time and that it seemed like forever until he came back. Reading back over my first entry in this book it\u2019s easy to see how much the little boy that I was then, was hurting.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This past year has only confirmed even stronger in my mind that my place is here on The Ponderosa. To leave as Adam did would just tear me apart. I watched my brother closely in those weeks we had together between him telling us his decision to leave and when he actually did and I know that it was breaking him up inside too, but he still followed through with it. During those weeks he was real distant from all of us \u2026 almost as if he\u2019d already left. Having thought a lot about it in these past months, I can see now that he was doing that for his own protection. If he had opened up to any of us about how he really felt, then he probably would have fallen apart and not been able to leave. I felt a lot of anger for Adam at that time, but looking back at it now I should have felt a lot of sympathy for him too. It\u2019s not an easy thing to leave your family and your whole life in that way.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thank the Lord that he has promised Pa that it will only be for three years \u2026 four at the most. I don\u2019t think any of us could have taken it as we did if we hadn\u2019t known that he would be back. I felt adrift enough as it was \u2026 almost as if I was that little kid again. Pa is going through the motions of course, but Hoss and I can tell that it\u2019s like a piece of him is missing. I suppose this is what he was like when he lost our Ma\u2019s. Pa has sure had a lot of tragedy in his life and he doesn\u2019t need this. The sooner Adam gets back here the better it will be and our family can take up where we left off. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Funny how we come to take people for granted. I mean, me and Adam have had lots of problems together, but we had a lot of good times too and now that he\u2019s not here they\u2019re the times that come to mind more. He really was a good big brother to me in those years I was growing up, better than I deserved really considering what a little brat I could be at times. I never realised how much I\u2019d miss that hard-headed brother of mine. I hope that whatever he\u2019s doing makes him happy. There\u2019s a saying I heard once that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I guess it\u2019s pretty true. Maybe when Adam gets back he and me will start fighting again right where we left off? <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa took it hardest when Adam left of course, but Hoss was also hurting for a long time afterwards. I\u2019ve been trying to fill the gap for him, but it\u2019s not easy. Me and Hoss have always been close and I could never have imagined us being able to get closer, but it has actually happened. He has had to get used to being the eldest now and that hasn\u2019t come easy for him. After all, he\u2019s always had Adam to look to and check things with. I think he misses him a lot still. If anyone had asked me, I would have said that Hoss would have missed Adam more than me. Maybe Hoss is just better at hiding it, after all Pa always said that I always wore my heart on my sleeve and I guess that\u2019s true. Still, under it all I can tell how much Hoss is hurting.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa loves it when we get a letter from Adam. His eyes really light up and he can be in a great mood for days until the feeling that Adam ain\u2019t around no more sinks in again. We both love it when Pa gets like that. He\u2019s all lit up and the places that Adam mentions in his letters bring back all sorts of memories for Pa about places that he\u2019s been to as well and he tells some real good stories. I guess when Adam gets home they\u2019ll have a fine time swapping stories about all those places. Me and Hoss will sure be in for some earbashing when that happens. We won\u2019t mind though, it\u2019ll be great to just be all together again.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss and me still have good times and get up to lots of things together. Pa says that sometimes he doesn\u2019t think we\u2019re grown up at all, but still act like little kids. I don\u2019t think he minds though. He gets a real twinkle in his eyes when he says that. I thick he misses the little boys we once were and I like to think that we help him to enjoy life a bit more and get his mind off Adam and suchlike. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like that time a while back when we decided to raise rabbits and when we nearly got Hoss to fly. Honest! Hoss got it into his head a while back that he was a musical genius and that was hard to take for a while, but he got over it. One thing my brother is definitely not is a musical genius! I thought that Pa was gonna murder that gypsy woman who told him that he was. Hop Sing liked his music, but no one else sure did. Hoss is funny that way. Once he gets an idea into his head you can\u2019t tell him any different. Like the time he bought that gold detector and the time he dressed up as the Easter Bunny. He\u2019s still bringing home strays too. Sometimes I think my brother is just too gullible for his own good, which is why he needs someone like me to look out for him now that Adam isn\u2019t around. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Candy has been good for both of us too, although he\u2019s probably closer to me than Hoss. He\u2019s a fellar with a real strange background, that Candy, and I doubt that we\u2019ll ever really find out all the things he\u2019s done and the places he\u2019s been. There are times when I envy him having done so much and gone around so many places, but he says that he envies me for having my roots so deep in one place. He\u2019s real good for the ranch and Pa says he\u2019s the best foreman we\u2019ve ever had. I wouldn\u2019t tell Candy this of course, but Pa has actually said that about every foreman we\u2019ve ever had \u2026 and we\u2019ve been through a few over the years. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wonder at times how Candy and Adam will get on when Adam gets home. They\u2019re real different and I have a feeling that older brother will kinda look down his nose at Candy, but I don\u2019t think Candy will care. He don\u2019t take a lot of notice of what people think of him and has even stood up to Pa at times in ways that Hoss and me wouldn\u2019t ever dare to.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He\u2019s been a great friend to me over the past year and we\u2019ve had some right good times. We\u2019ve even fought over a few girls, not that we\u2019ve even been that serious about any of them. Funny how I used to love chasing after girls, yet now it doesn\u2019t seem quite so much fun as it used to. I think that I\u2019m changing in that respect and to be honest the one thing I\u2019d love to do is to find a woman to settle down with. Pa says that I\u2019m a lot quieter than I used to be and know that he\u2019s right because I find myself wanting to think a lot more than before. I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s the extra responsibility I\u2019ve taken on with the ranch or whether it\u2019s because I\u2019m finally growing up, but whatever it is I\u2019m a lot different.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I used to be such a ladies man \u2026 and I guess I still am in some ways … but in a different way. I know that the mamas in Virginia City sure breathe a lot easier now when I\u2019m around. Some of them are even quite pleasant to me, knowing that I\u2019m more inclined to be looking after a woman rather than just looking for a woman \u2026 if you know what I mean. I think that situation with Emily really changed me to be honest. I was so hurt over what she did to me that it has taken me a long time to recover and I still find it hard to open up to a woman now. I\u2019m not about to get hurt like that again! I can\u2019t believe that any woman would have been willing to leave her husband just like that and go away with me. After all, we hadn\u2019t known each other for years and were very different people when we met again, but she just wouldn\u2019t take no for an answer. I\u2019m lucky to have got away from that witch, I can tell you!<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Seems that women are still real willing to settle down with me, but the problem is that I just don\u2019t feel the same as them. That woman Meena sure took some running from and she keeps trying every time we run into each other. That Katie girl that Candy and I bought that stamp mill with too \u2026 now she was one good looker and should have been ready for some fun, but no \u2026 all she wanted was a husband and she didn\u2019t care who she got. Me and Candy compared stories after that time and it was obvious that she was playing one of us off against the other. Women can be real manipulative if you let em!<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There\u2019s been two top women in my life in the past few years though. Strange how I\u2019ve been drawn to both of them when they\u2019ve been old enough to be my mother. Maybe that\u2019s why? Maybe I\u2019ve been looking for a substitute mother all this time? I was thinking the other day how I\u2019m older now than my mother ever lived to be and that\u2019s a strange thought. Maybe Miss Pickett and Miss Dobbs was just my way of trying to find the mother that I never had? Whatever the reason, they\u2019re right fine women. I still write to Miss Dobbs and go to see her in San Francisco whenever I\u2019m over that way, and I drop in on Miss Pickett now and then as well just to keep an eye on her. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think that I\u2019ve been feeling at loose ends lately because my mother has been on my mind a lot. I\u2019m really not sure why, though. Maybe it\u2019s because there\u2019s that gap since Adam left or maybe it\u2019s just that life seems to be passing me by at the moment? Pa has always said that he sees a lot of my Ma in me and I hope that\u2019s true. I like to think that I\u2019m like her cause it makes me feel connected to her in a funny kinda way. Sort of like the generations going on and things being passed from one person to another. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa has always talked in that way \u2026 about how The Ponderosa is meant for us three and all our children. I know now what he meant when he talked about our heritage for all these years. I\u2019d like to have a family. That\u2019s one of the reasons I find myself looking for the right woman lately. I\u2019d like to see the look in Pa\u2019s eyes when he holds his first grandchild and it sure looks like he\u2019s not gonna get that from anyone but me. Hoss seems to have missed out in that respect which is real sad, cause he would have made a great father. He got one huge shock when he got three mail order brides once by mistake, and I thought for sure that it was his chance to finally pair up with someone, but they all got hitched to other people. It almost seems like there\u2019s a curse on our family at times when it comes to love.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Who knows \u2026 maybe older brother Adam will come home with a foreign wife? Now that would be interesting if he did!<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I nearly ended up married a while back \u2026 yeah again. But this time it was for real. She was the sweetest girl, the daughter of Mr Bristol our bank manager and I couldn\u2019t have hoped for a finer bride. My heart still aches even now when I think of how she died at the hands of that idiot Horace. I guess it just wasn\u2019t meant to be. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa nearly got hitched a while back too. Her name was Claire and she was a beautiful lady. Hoss and me were so happy for him. I hadn\u2019t seen Pa looking that happy for years and I know that they would have been well suited, but unfortunately she left Pa to look after her brother who was sickly. It was a real shame, cause Pa needs someone in his life. I sense that he\u2019s real lonely at times. He says that his sons are his life, but I know that he would be able to find a place for a woman there too if the right one came along. I\u2019m sure that he\u2019s been real lonely over the years and I wish that he\u2019d find someone to love.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think that Pa feels that he\u2019s unlucky in love and doesn\u2019t want to trust himself to anyone else. After all, not many people live through the deaths of three wives and live to talk about it. I don\u2019t know how he ever survived the tragedies that have come his way and it\u2019s a sign of just how strong he is that he has. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I sometimes look at Pa and feel an ache when I see how old he\u2019s getting. I know that it stands to reason that he\u2019ll be gone one day \u2026 but I hope that it\u2019s a long time away yet. He has given over to me and Hoss a lot more of the running of the ranch now and I must admit that I\u2019ve enjoyed the responsibilities of it. I\u2019ve tried to involve myself more in the administrative side of things because I know that Pa is feeling a gap there since Adam left. He needs someone to bounce ideas off and to take some of the paperwork off his shoulders. Lord knows that Hoss isn\u2019t interested in that sort of thing and it would only make him miserable to try. I\u2019ve actually surprised myself by enjoying it. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It makes a fellar feel good when people respect you in business deals. I feel that I\u2019ve done quite well too and Pa says that he\u2019s confident in my decisions. I know that it eases his mind to think that the ranch will go on as always if anything happens to him. Mind you, I won\u2019t mind handing some of it back to older brother Adam in a few more years. I still enjoy the freedom of the more physical aspect of the work and being able to get out on the ranch a bit more would be more to my liking. Besides, Adam will probably be out of condition by the time he gets back and would prefer to be behind a desk. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa and me have all sorts of plans about the future for The Ponderosa. We both feel that it\u2019s important to look after the land and we\u2019re not about to make decisions that will affect it in a negative sense. There are so many developers around here now who are out to make a quick buck and we always have to be on the lookout for them. Pa has seen too many ranches go under in the past because of lack of good management and none of us are prepared to allow miners or developers get their hands on our land. Pa says that he\u2019s never been able to stop fighting for the good of The Ponderosa since he first arrived here. Seems that there\u2019s always been someone wanting to do things to ruin the land. I know that he feels good about the fact that neither Hoss nor I will allow that to happen once he\u2019s gone.<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I seem to be writing an awful lot about Pa not being here, but I guess it\u2019s because I\u2019ve just been trying to think a lot about life and what it all means lately. I sure hope I\u2019m not turning into a deep thinker like older brother Adam. That would be too much to take! I\u2019d rather be out there doing things rather than thinking about them, but when a fellar gets older it seems to just naturally happen that way. <\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

9th August\u00a0 1878<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can hardly bear to write this, but Pa always said how writing down one\u2019s thoughts helps, so I need to try it. I\u2019ll try anything if it helps. Lord knows that something has to! It\u2019s just that it makes it all seem so real when it\u2019s put down in writing and if there\u2019s anything I don\u2019t want, it\u2019s to think about how real it has all been.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There are so many days when I just want to crawl into a hole and leave my life behind, but I can\u2019t because of Pa. He\u2019s the one thing that has been keeping me going for the past two years and I don\u2019t know what I\u2019d do without him. Pa was the one who suggested that we contact Candy and ask him to come back and take control as foreman again and I thank the Lord every day that he agreed to. We really need him now that Hoss has gone and who knows how long it will be before I\u2019m thinking straight again?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know that Candy covers for me a lot, although he\u2019d never admit to it. He wouldn\u2019t want me to know that he does because he wouldn\u2019t want to upset me, but I know that I\u2019ve been making a lot of bad judgement calls lately and if it wasn\u2019t for him then we would have had quite a few problems on the ranch. That new man Griff has been a great support too. Strange fellar that one, but seems to know what he\u2019s doing. He\u2019s a hard worker too, which I guess comes from the time he spent in prison. From what I understand you don\u2019t get a chance to be a slacker in there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jamie has been trying to hold his head up and act like a man, but I know that Hoss\u2019 death has hit him hard. He has never really been that close to either of us, but no one could have lived with my brother Hoss and not felt a lot of warmth for him. Jamie has been good for Pa these past few months, keeping him occupied. It\u2019s turned out to be a good thing that he adopted him. I have even found myself shying away from Pa some days when I can\u2019t handle things and when I do at least I know that he has Jamie there to talk to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa says it\u2019s worse for me than anyone \u2026 losing Hoss and then Alice all in the space of a year is more than anyone should be expected to bear \u2026 and I feel that too. I feel that I lost my past when Hoss died and my future when Alice did and how can anyone be expected to go on without either? There sure have been many times when I haven\u2019t wanted to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know that Pa is so worried about me, but there\u2019s not a lot I can do to help that. He\u2019s grieving himself over Hoss and just when he started to feel a little better, Alice died. I feel that my marriage was helping Pa to get over the grief he was wallowing in over Hoss and then to see me this way \u2026 poor Pa. He really doesn\u2019t deserve the grief he\u2019s had in his life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I think that if Adam turned up on the doorstep right this minute I\u2019d punch him. I\u2019m so angry with him! It would have been easier \u2026 at least on Pa \u2026 if Adam had been here of course. I really can\u2019t forgive him for how he has let Pa down during the past few years. So much for coming home in three to four years! Pa tried to contact him after Hoss\u2019 death, but not having had a letter for nearly two years prior to that meant that we were never really sure if he even found out about it. He certainly hasn\u2019t tried to make contact with us. The last address we had was when he was in Australia, so who would know where he is now? We can only hope that he\u2019ll make it back one day and I hope that Pa lives long enough for that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Strange to think about it, but Pa aches for me and I ache for him in our grief, yet there\u2019s not a lot we can do for each other. We talk a lot about things and share our memories of Hoss a lot, but beyond that \u2026 well, no one can fill the aching gap in our hearts. I can\u2019t believe that Pa has been through this sort of thing so many times before. I always knew he was a strong man, but I\u2019m only now coming to terms with just how strong he really is. If I have half the strength that my father has, then I know I\u2019ll get through this.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Who could believe that in the space of one year life could turn on me so quickly? It\u2019s so hard to remember at times that all this has happened and I often feel as if that big brother of mine is just going to come waltzing in the front door with yet another of his strays for us to take care of. Hoss was the most \u2026 I find this hard to write \u2026 he was the most wonderful, caring person I\u2019ve ever come across. That\u2019s not just because he was my brother that I\u2019m saying that. Since his death, so many people have told me and Pa of the ways in which he helped them. People we didn\u2019t even know have either written to us or come to see us, with stories of how Hoss helped them through one situation or another.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hoss died as he had lived \u2026 helping people. He couldn\u2019t have been any different. Pa says that we should be grateful for him being the man he was, but right now I don\u2019t feel a lot of gratitude I\u2019m afraid. I still feel a lot of anger. Anger at that family whose lives he saved in that river. I know it wasn\u2019t their fault, but if they just hadn\u2019t been there \u2026 if they hadn\u2019t got into trouble in that wagon \u2026 then my brother would still be alive today. I can\u2019t hold my anger in at times. It is just so unfair that he was taken from us! Why? Why did someone like Hoss have to go? It just isn\u2019t right!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I go to visit his grave from time to time when I feel the need to talk to him, and I pretend that he\u2019s sitting there next to me down by the lake telling me what to do just like he always did. I used to hate the way he and Adam would tell me what to do all the time and treat me like a kid, but I\u2019d give anything \u2026 and I mean anything \u2026 now just to have them back again so that they could tell me off. Why do things have to change? Why can\u2019t we stay the same? Why do the people we love always leave?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Pa tried to make things a little easier for me to bear and gave me a beautiful black stallion for my last birthday, but even he up and died on me. Probably just as well in a way though, because I wouldn\u2019t want old Coochie to get jealous. Cooch and I are still the best buddies and he\u2019s the one person \u2026 I know he\u2019s a horse, but he sure feels like a person to me \u2026 well he\u2019s the one person I can confide in. Many\u2019s the nights I\u2019ve spent in the barn with him when I couldn\u2019t sleep, just rattling on about this and that. One thing about Cochise, he\u2019s a good listener and he hardly ever interrupts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nothing could ever replace Cochise. Nothing can ever replace the things or the people you love. Not Cochcise, not Hoss, not Alice, not a mother who died before you were old enough to remember her properly, not even Adam.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Maybe things would have been better if Alice and my child had lived? I often think about whether it was a boy or a girl and I honestly wouldn\u2019t have minded either way. I was so excited when she told me that she was expecting \u2026 I remember that I jumped straight onto the back of the buckboard and rode after Pa, yelling the news to him at the top of my voice. I\u2019ll never forget the look in his eyes when he heard the news. After all those years he was finally going to get the grandchild he\u2019d hoped for and then \u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Well, if our baby had lived then I would have something to live for now \u2026 something to plan for the future with. Why does God do these things and take away our hope just when we need it the most?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I really can\u2019t allow myself to write about Alice\u2019s death, because I don\u2019t think I could stand seeing it in print. She died in such a horrible way. To die in a fire is just \u2026 Well, I can\u2019t go there. After my grief had subsided a little all I could feel was blind fury at the men who had done it and when I went after them I honestly didn\u2019t care if they hung me for shooting them down like the dogs they were. I have Candy to thank for talking some sense into me at the time and I know he was right in what he said, although there are days when I wish that I\u2019d turned the gun on myself after they died.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The one thing that really stopped me was Pa. I couldn\u2019t do that to him of course. Pa has always been there for me and my brothers and no way could I turn away from him and ask him to deal with my death as well as Hoss\u2019. So I live on, although sometimes I wonder if it\u2019s actually living that I\u2019m doing. I just go through the motions. I work, I eat \u2026 when Hop Sing forces me to \u2026 I sleep \u2026 when I can. But it isn\u2019t really living \u2026 it\u2019s more just existing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never find another woman like Alice. She was one of a kind. I\u2019m sure that Hoss would really have liked her and I know that she would have liked him a lot. I don\u2019t know of anyone who didn\u2019t get on with my brother Hoss and I\u2019m sorry that they never had the chance to meet so that I could have watched them together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wonder what will happen to The Ponderosa now? No Adam to talk of, no Hoss and me \u2026. Well I\u2019m only a shell of the man I used to be. Pa always has Jamie of course, but an adopted son isn\u2019t really the same thing, is it? I shouldn\u2019t say that I suppose, but it\u2019s the way I feel and I can\u2019t hide it. Anyway, he helps Pa look to the future and that\u2019s so important for him. Anything that helps Pa is fine by me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I mostly don\u2019t feel that I have a future. I wish I did, but I just can\u2019t seem to get the feeling back that I have anything to live for. Sometimes I feel like my life is over, and yet forty-two isn\u2019t that old! I\u2019m still a relatively young man, yet how come it is that I feel so old and dispirited? I must keep going for Pa though. I won\u2019t let him down if I can help it \u2026 he\u2019s had too much of that from other people already.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If only Adam would write! He\u2019s not my favourite person for what he\u2019s done to Pa, but I do still love him. He\u2019s my brother after all and Pa really needs him. I guess that he\u2019s made his life away from us now and I have my doubts that we\u2019ll ever see him again. I can\u2019t tell Pa that of course. I keep saying that I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll get in touch with us and I keep thinking of excuses for why he doesn\u2019t, but my gut instinct is that he won\u2019t. I hope to God that I\u2019m wrong! In the meantime I\u2019ll try and keep this ranch going and keep Pa\u2019s dream alive for him. It\u2019s the least I can do for the man who has given me so much. I\u2019ll make him proud of me if it\u2019s the last thing I do!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I guess that\u2019s what my future is, now that I think about it. I have to live for Pa and his dream. Since he was a young man he always had this dream of a place of his own. The Ponderosa \u2026. as it turned out. He worked on it and sweated over it for years .. and he expected us to do the same. I never really wanted to live anywhere else in the world and now I\u2019m glad that I always stuck close to home. I\u2019ll put my life into The Ponderosa and keep Pa\u2019s dream alive for him \u2026.. even if in years to come it is Jamie\u2019s children who inherit it. At least they can look back and say that they inherited something to be proud of \u2026 something that the Cartwright family made.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Folks round here never refer to me as Little Joe now \u2026 only Pa occasionally uses the name when he\u2019s in one of his reflective moods. Funny how I fought against the name for years, yet now when I hear it I get a warm feeling inside. Some nights we sit in front of the fireplace together with Hop Sing hovering around serving us coffee and talk of old times. We talk about Adam and Hoss and all the good times \u2026 and there were a lot of them \u2026 it sure helps. It helps both of us. A fellar has to have memories, cause what good is life without them? They help you to bear the hard times.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

——————–<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The writing stops abruptly here and unfortunately there are no more entries. I must admit that in reading these entries I have been quite touched by the life of this Joe Cartwright and I am very keen to find out what happened to him. I did a bit of research and found that there was in fact a Cartwright family who lived on a large ranch near Virginia City Nevada during the time these entries were written. Whatever happened to them I haven\u2019t been able to find out, but I\u2019ll continue to try and discover their fate. There are so many questions unanswered \u2026. Did Adam ever come back? Did Ben live for very long after this? And mostly \u2026 whatever happened to Joe himself? <\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I like to think that he met another nice woman, married and had a large family \u2026 and that Ben finally got those grandchildren he ached for. Perhaps he did \u2026. I certainly hope so, for he seemed such a lovely person and deserved a happy life.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Claire Young<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0A woman finds an old diary in an antique store<\/p>\n

Rated: K (15,220\u00a0 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":14917,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,1007,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2076","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-joe-cartwright","category-prequels","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1007-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1930,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/diary.jpg?fit=1280%2C960&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12132,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12132","url_meta":{"origin":2076,"position":0},"title":"Chinese Molasses (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"January 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. 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Rating:\u00a0 K+\u00a0 (775 word) A Modern Cartwright Story Series, links to stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":13630,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13630","url_meta":{"origin":2076,"position":3},"title":"A Cry for Freedom (by JennieA)","author":"JennieA","date":"January 7, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It started with Ben giving Little Joe more responsibility for the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Little did the family realize the course Ben was setting in motion. Rating:\u00a0 R\u00a0 (65,725 words) Due to subject matter contained in this series, the stories are only available via e:mail from the author -- ryjennie@comcast.net","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/4Cs.jpg?fit=400%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":13631,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13631","url_meta":{"origin":2076,"position":4},"title":"Freedom from Fear (by JennieA)","author":"JennieA","date":"January 14, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 The aftermath of Joe's kidnapping and subsequent rescue. Rating:\u00a0 R\u00a0 (33,760) Due to the subject matter contained in this series, the stories are only available via e:mail from the author -- ryjennie@comcast.net","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/4Cs.jpg?fit=400%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12135,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12135","url_meta":{"origin":2076,"position":5},"title":"Prelude to Rebirth (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"August 1, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. Any reader wishing to read this story should e:mail the Brandsters:\u00a0 Brandsters2020@gmail.com","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/4Cs.jpg?fit=400%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2076","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2076"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2076\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/14917"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2076"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2076"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2076"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}