{"id":2115,"date":"2009-09-07T18:11:18","date_gmt":"2009-09-07T22:11:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2115"},"modified":"2026-03-07T19:13:05","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T00:13:05","slug":"march-21st","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2115","title":{"rendered":"March 21st (by JoanS)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Excerpts from Adam’s diary on the same day for fifteen years \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0K (17,825 words)
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

March 21st<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0The following are excerpts from<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Adam Cartwright\u2019s diary<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0on March 21st each year<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0from\u00a0 1841 \u2013 1855<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1841<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/span><\/p>\n

This is my first time writing in this new diary that my Pa gave me. He says it\u2019s a good idea to write down my thoughts about what\u2019s happening to me and one day I can look back on them and remember what it was like to be ten years old. My Pa is the best! I love this new diary and I\u2019m gonna write in it most every day if I can.\u00a0 Sometimes it might be hard though, cause Pa and me get so busy with everything that needs to be done round here.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re mostly settled here in Nevada now, but there\u2019s still lots to be done now that winter is mostly over. It was a hard winter Pa says. He says that it mostly blows a terrible wind up here in the Sierras and boy is he right!\u00a0 Some days I thought we might get blown right of the mountains the way that winds blows.\u00a0 Just as well that Hoss is so big, or else a littleun like him might be swept right away.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss is my brother and he\u2019s four years old.\u00a0 But he\u2019s the biggest four-year old I\u2019ve ever seen. Pa says that he\u2019s gonna be a big man when he grows up and I believe it.\u00a0 Just as well he started walking early, cause if he hadn\u2019t we\u2019d never have lifted him off the ground! Pa needs me to look after him most of the time, cause he\u2019s busy with trying to build our house and still get time to get food for us. My Pa works real hard all day and long into the night and he needs me to do the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t mind.\u00a0 Me and my Pa have always worked real hard.\u00a0 Ever since I can remember we done things together and helped each other through.\u00a0 Pa says that\u2019s what families are all about and I reckon that he\u2019s right. Our house is just about finished now.\u00a0 When we first got here last year we only had the wagon to sleep in, but Pa wanted to make sure that we had a proper roof over our heads come winter.\u00a0 We did too.\u00a0 He worked real hard to chop trees and make us a room and now he\u2019s adding another one to it. We\u2019re gonna have one room to sleep in and one to do our cooking in and sit in at night soon.\u00a0 My Pa is the best.\u00a0 He built a real good house for us.<\/span><\/p>\n

My Pa says that one day we\u2019re gonna have a real big house up on the hill. He\u2019ll build it when he gets time.\u00a0 I know he will too.\u00a0 Right now though he needs to concentrate on building up our ranch.\u00a0 We\u2019re gonna have a big ranch my Pa says.\u00a0 He bought a few cattle from Mr Henderson who lives over the other side of the Truckee River and we\u2019re gonna breed em.\u00a0 Pa says that we might start catching horses and breeding them too.\u00a0 I can hardly wait! I\u2019m gonna be a real good rancher now that we\u2019re settled.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa and me knew right off that this was the place for us to stop at when we saw it.\u00a0 We\u2019d been travelling for a long time my Pa and me and Hoss.\u00a0 Me and Pa came right aways from Boston and then Ma joined us up later before Hoss was born. Poor Ma never got to see Nevada though cause she died back in Missouri.\u00a0 She was shot by an Indian arrow.\u00a0 I saw it happen. Pa and me was real upset when it happened cause she was the best Ma ever.<\/span><\/p>\n

My real Ma died when I was born, so I don\u2019t remember her at all.\u00a0 Pa tells me bout her sometimes though.\u00a0 He says he\u2019s gonna tell Hoss bout his Ma too when he gets bigger. So will I.\u00a0 She was the best Ma ever.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m gonna get some sleep now Diary.\u00a0 Lots to do tomorrow cause Pa is gonna take me to set some traps with him.\u00a0 We have to be careful of Hoss when we go, but he\u2019s mostly good.\u00a0 I\u2019ll write some more tomorrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1842<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/span><\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t written in you for a few days, cause life round here has been real bad! As you know, Pa was due back from his trip this month.\u00a0 Me and Hoss have been real excited bout seeing him again after all that time, but he went and spoilt it all.\u00a0 He brought back a woman with him.\u00a0 Hoss and me couldn\u2019t believe it! He got married to her down in New Orleans and he says she\u2019s our new Ma. Well she sure as heck ain\u2019t gonna be my Ma!<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says I\u2019m being stubborn but I don\u2019t care. I didn\u2019t ask him to bring her here and I ain\u2019t going to make her feel welcome no matter what he says. She spoils everything round here now. Before when it used to be just me and Pa and Hoss we got on real fine, but now she sticks her nose into everything and wants to know what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 Pa says that\u2019s the way women are. Well I\u2019m sure not gonna have anything to do with em if that\u2019s the case.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says we gotta get that house built up on the hill now cause this house ain\u2019t gonna be big enough for us. I don\u2019t mind helping him with the house, but I sure ain\u2019t doing it for her!\u00a0 I\u2019m helping build it for me and Pa and Hoss. That way we\u2019ll have more room and maybe I won\u2019t have to see her so much. Pa says that Hoss and me can have our own room when we get the house finished.\u00a0 That\u2019ll be good, cause Hoss sticks his feet into my back at night when I\u2019m trying to go to sleep and he has cold feet. Pa says that we\u2019ll have room for two beds and I\u2019m looking forward to having my own bed in our room.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me and Pa are real busy now that he\u2019s back. I took good care of the cattle for him while he was gone.\u00a0 Mr Henderson helped. I looked after Hoss too.\u00a0 Hoss is a good brother, but he likes Marie too much.\u00a0 He calls her Ma too.\u00a0 I won\u2019t. I told her she ain\u2019t my Ma nohow.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me and Pa are gonna start catching the horses we want soon. Then I\u2019m gonna learn how to break em.\u00a0 Pa says I won\u2019t be doing it for a few years yet, but I know how to.\u00a0 I\u2019ve watched Mr Henderson and his men do it and I reckon I can.\u00a0 Me and Pa are gonna learn anyway. We got more cattle than last year.\u00a0 Pa says that one day we\u2019ll have enough to start selling em.\u00a0 In the meantime we make our money from our traps.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa made lots of money in New Orleans.\u00a0 He sold lots of furs that him and me got.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to use the money for things for our house and for buying some more land.\u00a0 Our ranch is gonna get bigger and bigger.\u00a0 One day Pa says that it\u2019ll stretch as far as the eye can see. He says it\u2019s gonna be better than heaven itself. I reckon he\u2019s right, except that heaven wouldn\u2019t have Marie\u00a0<\/em>there and that\u2019s a good thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Tomorrow I\u2019m going with Pa in our new buckboard.\u00a0 There\u2019s a new store just opened up near the Washoe diggings and we\u2019re gonna see if we can buy some things there.\u00a0 Hoss wants to go too, but Pa says he\u2019s too young cause it might be a rough place.\u00a0 He says we\u2019ll check it out and then Hoss and Marie can come next time.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa made up a name for our ranch now.\u00a0 He calls it The Ponderosa after all the pine trees on it.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a good name. Hoss does too. I don\u2019t know what Marie thinks, cause I didn\u2019t ask her.\u00a0 I don\u2019t talk to her if I don\u2019t have to.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1843<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/span><\/p>\n

Some days lately I\u2019m too tired to write in you, but tonight I feel like it. Since I got my own room it\u2019s a lot better to write now, even though Hoss keeps coming into my bed and disturbing me at night because he says he\u2019s lonely.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s afraid of sleeping in the dark by himself, even though he won\u2019t say it. He\u2019s getting too big to be afraid now, after all he is six!<\/span><\/p>\n

Today Pa and I did really well. That money he made from the cattle last month has sure come in handy and yesterday Pa did some figures.\u00a0 He keeps an account book of all we\u2019ve got and he reckons we\u2019ll have enough to extend The Ponderosa down to the other side of the lake soon. He and Marie had a fight about it last night \u2026 I heard them when I was supposed to be asleep, but the walls don\u2019t keep out the noise round here. One day when we get that upstairs in the house that Pa is always talking about maybe they will.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, Marie wanted him to spend the money on the house. Things for inside that women like. Curtains and frills and suchlike. Pa wants to spend it on the ranch.\u00a0 I reckon Pa is right.\u00a0 We don\u2019t need lots of things in the house like she thinks! We need lots more cattle and more land first. I reckon women don\u2019t have much idea about these things anyhow.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think Pa won the argument, because today we went into town and staked a claim for more land down by the lake.\u00a0 Marie wasn\u2019t too happy about it.\u00a0 She was banging lots of pots and pans in the kitchen at breakfast this morning.\u00a0 Pa rolled his eyes at me and we both laughed.\u00a0 I reckon he knows what women are like too.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why he married her! The only good thing she ever did is have that little baby brother of mine and most of the time I don\u2019t know if even that was a good thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

He sure is a noisy baby, that Little Joe!\u00a0 From sunup to sundown he carries on bout something or other. Pa says he\u2019s gonna be a troublemaker when he gets older, but I reckon he\u2019s a troublemaker now.\u00a0 He is kinda cute though.\u00a0 He hangs onto my finger when I push it into his crib and he tries to eat it. Yesterday I swear I saw him laugh. I told Pa, but he reckons that all babies do that when they have wind. That Little Joe keeps us all on our toes round here though, that\u2019s for sure.\u00a0 Marie reckons she doesn\u2019t get much sleep at night cause of him crying and suchlike. Last night I heard her and Pa walking him round and round the living room when it was really late.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss is getting to be a real good help to Pa and me now.\u00a0 He\u2019s good with his chores and helps Marie during the day when us men are out at work. He\u2019s a good brother, especially when he stays out of my room and lets me have my privacy. I don\u2019t get much round here that\u2019s for sure! Marie is always poking her nose into my business and asking what I\u2019m doing.\u00a0 She should know that a man needs his privacy. I reckon maybe that Little Joe will keep her busy now and she won\u2019t have time to worry about what I\u2019m doing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says there\u2019s talk of a school starting up in town and if it does he wants me and Hoss to go there. I\u2019d be real excited to go and see what school is like, but Hoss says he\u2019s not going. I think he might be a bit scared of it.\u00a0 Marie\u2019s been teaching him his letters lately and he can count well too. The only problem with going to school is that Pa needs me here. I don\u2019t think that I\u2019ll have time to go to school and help Pa like he needs me to as well. Pa says not to worry about that.\u00a0 He says that education is more important than anything.\u00a0 I reckon he\u2019s right, but he\u2019s still going to need me here. Pa reckons that soon we might be able to hire someone to help on the ranch, so I reckon then I might be able to go to school. I sure hope so.<\/span><\/p>\n

I gotta go soon because supper is nearly ready.\u00a0 That new cook that Pa brought home last week is sure cooking something nice by the smell of it. He\u2019s Chinese and doesn\u2019t talk much English, but I reckon I can teach him some. I don\u2019t think that Marie likes him in her kitchen very much, but Pa says she\u2019s too busy with that noisy baby Little Joe and everything else she has to do around here to do all the cooking. He reckons that Hop Sing will be a big help to her.\u00a0 Marie said he could stay, but only until that Little Joe gets bigger and stops his yelling all the time.\u00a0 I reckon that Hop Sing might be here for a long time, cause that baby ain\u2019t about to stop yelling in a hurry for no one.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1844<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/span><\/p>\n

School was really interesting today because Mr Hudson started teaching me about geography. He has a book that he lets me read and it tells all about our country of The United States and what its like in all the different parts.\u00a0 It\u2019s really interesting. I think that there is a lot of our country that I haven\u2019t seen yet and one day I aim to.\u00a0 In fact I\u2019d like to see outside of our country too.\u00a0 I told Pa that one day I\u2019m going to sea like he did, but I\u2019m going to go right round the world. He looked a bit sad when I said that, so I made sure that he knew that it wouldn\u2019t be for a long time. After all, he still needs me here.<\/span><\/p>\n

Life is really busy with school and running the ranch with Pa. I\u2019m so glad I get to go to school now.\u00a0 I wish Hoss would like it a bit more, but he never wants to go.\u00a0 I think its because some of the other kids tease him.\u00a0 They don\u2019t do it when I\u2019m around of course, but I\u2019m not always there.\u00a0 Besides, Pa says that he has to learn to fight his own battles and I think he\u2019s right. Hoss thought Pa meant that he had to fight the other kids and he got a real tanning from Pa last night when he came home with a black eye. Pa said he didn\u2019t mean that kind of a battle.<\/span><\/p>\n

I like History too at school Mr Hudson teaches it really well and he makes it sound interesting.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to ask Pa if I can have some history books for my birthday this year instead of other things.\u00a0 He never minds buying me books because he says that it\u2019s the best way to learn about things.\u00a0 Apart from going out and experiencing life.\u00a0 That\u2019s another thing that Pa says. I think that we experience life pretty well round here.<\/span><\/p>\n

The cattle are doing really well now and Pa says his accounts are showing lots of profit.\u00a0 He and Charlie work real hard to make the money.\u00a0 Charlie has been great to have on the ranch and I\u2019m glad that Pa hired him.\u00a0 He\u2019s been teaching me and Pa lots of things about ranching that we didn\u2019t know before and Pa says that we have him to thank for lots of the money we\u2019re making now.\u00a0 Marie is happy because Pa has bought her some furniture for the living room.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got a red and white striped sofa and Pa got a couple of big easy chairs to put in front of the fireplace.\u00a0 He\u2019s ordered a big desk from San Francisco and he says that we\u2019ll go in the buckboard and pick it up come April. He\u2019s going to knock down that temporary wall and make his and Marie\u2019s bedroom a study when we get upstairs finished.<\/span><\/p>\n

The staircase is looking really good now and soon we\u2019ll be able to start on the rooms upstairs.\u00a0 At the moment they\u2019re just all one big space.\u00a0 I like working on the house at night with Pa because we have time together to talk while we\u2019re up there \u2026 just the two of us.\u00a0 I get to tell him all about school and he tells me about our plans for the ranch. We get on real well, my Pa and I \u2026 especially when Marie isn\u2019t around.<\/span><\/p>\n

The only problem with the staircase is keeping that pesky Little Joe away from it.\u00a0 Ever since he learned to walk a couple of months ago he gets into everything. He\u2019s a real pest! We have to tie some wood across the bottom of the staircase to keep him away from it until its finished because if we didn\u2019t he\u2019d climb up and could fall and hurt himself. Now he just stands at the bottom and cries because he can\u2019t come up with us.\u00a0 That kid cries about everything!<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and I have to keep our door closed all the time too because of him. I forgot last night and he got in and ripped up all my homework that I\u2019d done.\u00a0 I was really mad with him and yelled at him.\u00a0 He started to cry then too and Marie had to write a letter to Mr Hudson for me so that I wouldn\u2019t get into trouble for not having done it.\u00a0 She can be good like that sometimes. She smacked Little Joe too, but that only made him cry more.\u00a0 Sometimes that kid makes my head ache with all his crying.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says that we\u2019ll start on training my new horse next week when he has a bit more time.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad because I can hardly wait to ride him. He knows me a lot better now and comes when I call his name, so I think he\u2019s probably half trained already.\u00a0 Pa says I can\u2019t get on him until we\u2019ve broken him to the saddle though.\u00a0 I wish Pa would let me start breaking the horses with him and Charlie. I know I can do it, I just need him to give me the chance. He says I have to be a lot older yet, but I think that thirteen is old enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa is going to have a cattle drive next month.\u00a0 He and Charlie and I are going to do it ourselves, although he says that we\u2019ll probably need some more hands by next year the way we\u2019re going. We\u2019ve got so many cattle now that\u2019s it\u2019s too hard to count them. Just as well we bought the land up on the North Section, or we wouldn\u2019t be able to fit them in. Pa is also talking about expanding into the timber business.\u00a0 Marie says that he\u2019ll work himself to death, but he just laughs at her when she says that. She says that sometimes his dreams are too big, but she doesn\u2019t know how much Pa and me dreamed when we were coming out here.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says that one day we\u2019re going to have the biggest ranch in these parts and I know that we will.\u00a0 Whatever my Pa puts his mind to, he can do it.\u00a0 When he talks like that Marie goes all soft and says that she loves him and such like. Sometimes she goes all mushy over my Pa. I think she really loves him and I know he loves her because he gets a funny look in his eyes when he looks at her. I think she\u2019s a mighty fine-looking woman.\u00a0 Leastways that\u2019s what everyone says.\u00a0 She\u2019s still too nosey though.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marie and Hop Sing are getting on better now too.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t interfere with his kitchen so much, although I must say she can cook really good things when she wants to.\u00a0 Hoss sure appreciates it.\u00a0 He says that he doesn\u2019t know which one of them is the best cook and I think they try and outdo each other because of it. Whatever the reason, us men sure appreciate the food we get.\u00a0 All except Little Joe of course.<\/span><\/p>\n

That baby doesn\u2019t eat nearly enough \u2026 at least that\u2019s what everyone says. Pa got real mad with Hoss the other day when he found him eating Little Joe\u2019s food for him. Hoss said he was only trying to stop Little Joe from getting into trouble, but Pa said that he\u2019s not helping him by doing it. I think he\u2019s right.\u00a0 That kid will never grow unless he eats something. Marie says that it doesn\u2019t stop him having more energy than the rest of us put together and I think that she\u2019s right. Imagine what he\u2019d be like if he did eat more? We probably wouldn\u2019t be able to stand him then.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1845<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve sure been working hard this week at school. Mr Hudson is such a great teacher and he says that I\u2019ve got an inquiring mind. He makes school seem like such fun. I wish I\u2019d got to go to school when I was younger, but then I guess Pa and me wouldn\u2019t have had all those great times together if we\u2019d settled before we found The Ponderosa.\u00a0 Hoss is lucky that he gets to go at a younger age and I guess that Little Joe will go even younger, but I don\u2019t think they\u2019ll appreciate it like I do. Hoss sure doesn\u2019t that\u2019s for sure!<\/span><\/p>\n

I worry sometimes about Hoss.\u00a0 He finds school hard.\u00a0 Not just the work, but getting on with the other kids too.\u00a0 I know they make fun of him because he\u2019s so big, but he tries to hide it from me because he doesn\u2019t want me to get upset like he does. He doesn\u2019t get into so many fights now.\u00a0 I think that he\u2019s beginning to take notice of what Pa keeps telling him. I know that Pa is worried that one day he might get into real trouble and hurt someone.\u00a0 Hoss is a really gentle boy really, he just has to learn to think about his own strength sometimes.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny, because even though I like school so much I don\u2019t like spending all my time there.\u00a0 If I did I\u2019d miss out on the great things that happen here at the ranch.\u00a0 Like the cattle drive.\u00a0 Pa says I can take a couple of weeks off school to go on it with him and Charlie and the men like we did last year.\u00a0 Only this time it\u2019ll take us longer because of how many cattle we have. Pa had to hire extra men to help us and we\u2019re going to maybe keep some of them on even after the drive because of the branding. It seems like the work is never done around here.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss is jealous because he wants to come as well, but like Pa told him \u2026 it\u2019s only for the men.\u00a0 He\u2019ll get to come when he\u2019s older.\u00a0 Pa told him that he had to stay home and take care of Marie and Little Joe and Hoss believes that he\u2019s really going to be in charge around here.\u00a0 Of course Pa and Marie and me know that he won\u2019t really be.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that the one in charge around here is probably Hop Sing. He tells everyone what to do all the time and even Pa does what he tells him most of the time.\u00a0 I really like Hop Sing!\u00a0 He can sure cook and takes great care of the house too.\u00a0 I know that Marie likes having him around because he makes her work easier.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t have a lot for time for things apart from looking after Little Joe some days.\u00a0 That kid can sure get into mischief at times. It seems that every day he thinks of something new to be in trouble for.<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe sure is cute though. Even when he\u2019s getting into trouble from Pa and Marie he knows how to turn on the charm. Pa says he\u2019s got everyone twisted around his little finger and I think that he\u2019s probably right. The other day he got into Pa\u2019s desk and ripped up lots of papers he kept in there.\u00a0 Pa spanked him good and now he\u2019s got a lock for his desk. Little Joe and Hoss get on real well because Hoss takes lots of times to talk to him and show him things. I get on well with him too, but I\u2019m not as patient with him as Hoss is.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been learning a new song on the guitar and can nearly play it all now without a mistake.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure glad that Pa gave me that guitar last Christmas.\u00a0 I have a feeling that Marie told him to buy it for me, because she\u2019s the one been teaching me all the chords and how to strum it.\u00a0 Sometimes we get on really well, Marie and me. Except that she can still poke her nose into things.<\/span><\/p>\n

She was being nosey the other day about Sarah. What she doesn\u2019t understand is that a man really needs his privacy and I didn\u2019t like it when she started asking questions about Sarah on the way back from Church last Sunday.\u00a0 Just because a fellar talks to a girl after church doesn\u2019t mean anything and she should know that!\u00a0 Besides, Sarah started talking to me first and it isn\u2019t any of Marie\u2019s business anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

I reckon Sarah is kinda gone on me.\u00a0 That\u2019s what my friend Ross says anyway. I don\u2019t know if she is or not, but she does keep talking to me all the time. I wish she wouldn\u2019t, because it makes me feel like everyone is watching her and me talking. A fellar needs his privacy and doesn\u2019t need a girl talking to him all the time where everyone can see. Pa says that it doesn\u2019t matter what people think, but I sure think it does.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa is happy lots of the time now because he says that the hard times are mostly behind us.\u00a0 He says we are getting comfortable because the ranch is paying itself off and he can expand things more.\u00a0 I sure like listening to him when he talks about how we\u2019re getting involved with the timber business. I think we need a sawmill of our own instead of using Mr Henderson\u2019s all the time.\u00a0 I told Pa that if we built our own mill we\u2019d save lots of money in time.\u00a0 He looked at me kinda funny and said that I was a good thinker.\u00a0 He says we\u2019re going to build one when we have time. I\u2019ve been doing some drawings for one that I\u2019m going to show Pa.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s so quiet up here tonight.\u00a0 Ever since we moved our bedrooms upstairs I can feel like I\u2019m all alone in the world and everyone else is a long way away.\u00a0 Hoss still gets lonely in his room by himself, but I like it.\u00a0 I like to sit on the windowsill and watch the stars at night and remember the stories that Pa told me about them.\u00a0 The only problem with being upstairs is that Pa and Marie spend time downstairs before they go to bed.\u00a0 That means that the little troublemaker thinks he can climb out of his crib and come to visit me and Hoss without them knowing. I couldn\u2019t work out how that kid could get out of his crib until I watched through the crack in the door one night.\u00a0 He piles all his toys up into the corner and then climbs up on them to reach the top.\u00a0 Then he swings over the bars and lets himself down onto the floor.\u00a0 He sure is a clever kid even if he is annoying.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1846<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I finally have a quiet night to stop and think about things.\u00a0 The last couple of weeks have been so busy that I have been neglecting my writing and I feel strange because of it. I must admit that it\u2019s good to be home again, even though I did enjoy the cattle drive this year. We got more than we\u2019d anticipated per head for the cattle and Pa was so pleased. I could see it in his face when he finally deposited the money in the bank and looked at the balance.\u00a0 It is certainly looking healthy this year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa and I talked about it all on the way home. It means that we\u2019ll be able to buy the Henderson place now and expand the Ponderosa.\u00a0 I know that Pa is pleased about it, not only for us but also for Mrs Henderson.\u00a0 It means that she won\u2019t have money problems now when she goes to her sister\u2019s place Back East. Pa says that would have been worrying her and she\u2019s had enough to worry about since Mr Henderson died. Pa thinks about those kinds of things a lot.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s a special kind of man because he\u2019s always looking out for neighbours.\u00a0 He says that it\u2019s really important to be a good neighbour and to treat everyone as we want to be treated. I think he\u2019s right.<\/span><\/p>\n

My Pa lives by what he believes and he tries to make us boys live like that too.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s a great Pa because of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though I always have a great time on the cattle drive I didn\u2019t like missing school for the past two weeks. Hoss says I\u2019m crazy, but then he doesn\u2019t enjoy it like I do.\u00a0 Mr Hudson let me take some of his books with me and I was going to do some reading each night, but I was so tired that I just couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019m looking forward to catching up on some reading now that I\u2019m home again.<\/span><\/p>\n

You would have thought that we\u2019d been away for a year judging by the welcome we got from Hoss and Little Joe. Marie too. Strange to think that I really missed her \u2026 but I did. I think we have a lot in common and she is able to teach me lots of things that I want to know about.\u00a0 She says that she\u2019ll start to teach me some French if I want her to.\u00a0 We talk a lot about things and in a way I sometimes find it easier to talk to her than Pa now.\u00a0 Maybe its because I\u2019m growing up.\u00a0 Pa says that feelings change when we get older and I think he\u2019s right, because I\u2019m sure feeling a lot of different things now that I\u2019m fifteen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Girls are a lot on my mind now and I really don\u2019t know why. I guess its all part of growing up like Pa says. All I know is that I\u2019m noticing things about them that I never noticed before.\u00a0 Like Maggie Hearn for instance.\u00a0 I never noticed how nice she looks and she has a good figure too.\u00a0 I like looking at girls\u2019 figures, but I have to do it carefully in case any of them notice.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t want them to think that I\u2019m too interested in them or they might annoy me like that little Jane Phillips does.\u00a0 Now she\u2019s a pest!\u00a0 After all she\u2019s only twelve and that\u2019s far too young for me. I feel like talking to Pa about it all, but it\u2019s a bit embarrassing. Maybe I\u2019ll get a chance to talk to Marie about it.\u00a0 After all, she\u2019s a girl too so she might know how to handle them.<\/span><\/p>\n

All Hoss cares about at the moment is marbles.\u00a0 He\u2019s fitting in more at school now and has quite a few friends so he leaves me alone there.\u00a0 As far as I\u2019m concerned that\u2019s a good thing! He is beginning to be a good help around the ranch Ps says.\u00a0 You should have heard him carrying on like he\u2019d run the place when we got back home.\u00a0 He told us all about the decisions he\u2019d made and how he\u2019d helped Marie.\u00a0 I would have nearly believed it too because I know he can do most of the things he says he can \u2026 but then I saw Pa winking at Marie and I figured out that things hadn\u2019t quite been as he thought.\u00a0 Hoss is in a hurry to grow up and I can understand why.\u00a0 I felt like that too when I was a kid like him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe was real pleased to see Pa and me too.\u00a0 Marie says that he asked every night for one of us to tuck him into bed and she had to keep explaining to him where we were. He couldn\u2019t seem to understand. He\u2019s been naughty while we\u2019ve been away, but he wouldn\u2019t be Little Joe unless he was I guess.\u00a0 Marie said he just about wore her out. I can understand that as he never stops moving and chattering.\u00a0 He gave Pa and me a big hug when he saw us and then didn\u2019t stop talking for about an hour after that.\u00a0 The problem is of course that you can only understand about half of what he says, but we just nod and pretend to be interested in what he\u2019s trying to say to keep him happy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa and me had a good talk one night while we were away and he asked me what I\u2019d like to do in the future. It was kind of a man to man talk.\u00a0 I told him that I want to be a part of the ranch which is true, but I wish I could tell him the rest of it as well.\u00a0 I think he\u2019ll be hurt if I let him know my thoughts about going to College , so I didn\u2019t say anything. I think that Marie might suspect how I feel.\u00a0 She\u2019s never really said, but sometimes I find her looking at me and sense that she\u2019s about to say something about it.\u00a0 She seems to understand me well. I\u2019m real glad that Pa married her now.\u00a0 I remember feeling that she was a problem when she first came, but that was because I was a kid.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad I\u2019m fifteen, because now I can see things from a man\u2019s point of view.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once I get settled back into school I am going to talk to Pa about letting me start breaking some of the horses.\u00a0 I know that I can do it and I think he\u2019s being unfair in making me wait. All I need is one chance to show him what I can do with them and the n I know he\u2019ll understand and let me keep going with them. I wish Pa would understand that I\u2019m grown up now. Sometimes he treats me like a grown up and then he starts treating me like a kid again.\u00a0 I wish he\u2019d make up his mind!<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1847<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so tired some nights that its hard to keep awake to write in you, but I really enjoy putting down my thoughts in this way and so I try to do it as often as I can.\u00a0 Sometimes I feel like you\u2019re my best friend Diary.\u00a0 It\u2019s so hard to talk to people at times that I just don\u2019t bother. Life is difficult when you\u2019re sixteen!<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling really guilty lately because of Pa.\u00a0 Every time I look at him and see how tired he is I feel that I should leave school and help him more.\u00a0 Of course he\u2019s got lots of help around here with the men and Charlie is the best foreman we could possibly have, but its not quite the same thing.\u00a0 I mean \u2026 well they\u2019re hired help and Pa needs me to be beside him making the decisions that only a Cartwright can.\u00a0 I suppose that sounds big headed or something, but I can\u2019t help it \u2026 it\u2019s the way I feel.<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that Pa thinks I\u2019m doing a great job around here.\u00a0 I just wish that all the men thought so as well.\u00a0 They\u2019re fine when Pa is around, but as soon as he leaves they treat me like a kid again. I don\u2019t know how to convince them that I\u2019m just as capable as they are.\u00a0 I suppose some of them are jealous of me being the boss\u2019 son, but it isn\u2019t as if I don\u2019t ask them to do anything that I wouldn\u2019t do! I just think that maybe if I left school and worked full-time on the ranch they would take me a bit more seriously.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s the problem of course \u2026 school!\u00a0 I mean how can I leave? Not if I want to get into College as Pa and I discussed. I\u2019m so glad we can talk about this now and I suppose I have Marie to thank for that.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t think I know what she did, but I\u2019m sure she was the one who talked to Pa for me.\u00a0 I mean, how else would he have known how I felt about going to College? She sure is good to me sometimes. There are times when I feel myself getting really close to her and it makes me feel strange.<\/span><\/p>\n

I really don\u2019t know why I feel like that.\u00a0 I suppose it might have something to do with Ma.\u00a0 I mean Inger of course \u2026 Hoss\u2019 Ma.\u00a0 I always think of her as mine as well though, seeing as how I never knew my own mother.\u00a0 There are times when I wonder if Marie is filling that gap in my heart for me?\u00a0 Its very confusing really and I\u2019m not sure that I like it. It seems to me that every time someone gets close to me they end up getting hurt and I don\u2019t want that to happen to her.\u00a0 She\u2019s too nice \u2026 and she\u2019s good for Pa too. Hoss loves her a lot I know and Little Joe \u2026 well \u2026 she\u2019s his Ma of course so it\u2019s obvious how he feels about her.<\/span><\/p>\n

Talking of those brothers of mine, they\u2019re sure growing up lately.\u00a0 Hoss is ten now and he\u2019s nearly as tall as me. He\u2019s a good kid really and such a help to Pa and me. Never has to be told to do something twice and knows so much about the ranch that I swear he\u2019ll be running it soon.\u00a0 Pa says that he\u2019s a born rancher. I feel jealous of him sometimes because he doesn\u2019t have the problem that I do. Hoss knows exactly what he wants, whereas I want \u2026 well I\u2019m torn between two worlds and I don\u2019t know how to live in both.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marie says that\u2019s what College will be for.\u00a0 She says that it\u2019s important to experience life before we decide what we really want from \u2026 that I have to see what city life is like before I settle down in one or the other. Pa agrees with her, but I think he\u2019s secretly a bit scared that if I go to College I may not come back again. He probably remembers what I said when I was a little kid about going to sea and travelling around the world.\u00a0 Poor Pa!<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe is four now and I guess he\u2019ll be going to school in a couple of years as well.\u00a0 He\u2019s a funny little kid.\u00a0 He\u2019s so eager to show everyone that he\u2019s all grown up now and tries to do everything that Hoss does.\u00a0 He\u2019s so little though that he looks funny trying to do chores that are too hard for him.\u00a0 Marie calls him her little man and he really likes that.\u00a0 Pa is proud of him, but he gets really mad with him too because of all the trouble he causes.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t honestly think that Little Joe means to cause half the problems that he does. He just doesn\u2019t stop and think about what he\u2019s doing half the time. He is also an expert at getting out of trouble if he puts his mind to it.\u00a0 He has a lot of charm that boy and wraps everyone around his little finger given half a chance. I think he\u2019s probably going to be one of those people who charm their way through life.\u00a0 I wonder how he\u2019ll get on at school?\u00a0 Probably won\u2019t do well because he won\u2019t be able to sit still long enough to pay attention.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kate and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately.\u00a0 We had such a good time last Sunday at the Church picnic.\u00a0 She is the most lovely girl and I\u2019m so glad that her family came to stay in town. I\u2019m finding it easier to talk to girls since Marie has been helping me with that. She really knows a lot about what make girls like you.\u00a0 Pa says that she has it down to a fine art herself.\u00a0 I suppose that means she\u2019s a charmer like that little boy of hers.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019ll be so good to go to San Francisco next month.\u00a0 I\u2019m looking forward to getting some new books so that Mr Hudson and I can work on them.\u00a0 Hoss is looking forward to seeing the ocean for the first time.\u00a0 He keeps asking me over and over again to describe it to him.\u00a0 Little Joe is looking forward to \u2026 well to be honest I\u2019m not sure what he\u2019s looking forward to. I don\u2019t think he understands what a city is as he keeps saying that he\u2019s going to climb trees there. He doesn\u2019t seem to realise that trees aren\u2019t a major thing in cities. He\u2019s just got tree climbing on his brain at the moment as he keeps getting up onto every branch that he can find.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny that he should do that, because he doesn\u2019t seem to like heights at all.\u00a0 I found him crying in the loft the other day.\u00a0 He\u2019d climbed up the ladder to get there and then wasn\u2019t brave enough to get back down again.\u00a0 I had to carry him. He\u2019s funny little kid.\u00a0 Not afraid of horses or any other animals, or people or new situations, but he\u2019s afraid of climbing down ladders.\u00a0 He isn\u2019t even afraid of the lake and as Pa says\u2026 that\u2019s bit of a worry.<\/span><\/p>\n

We tried to tell him how deep it is and how he could drown if he goes in too far, but every time we go there he ends up in trouble for going out of his depth when Pa is teaching him to swim.\u00a0 He swims like a little tadpole except that he still keeps his head out of the water and isn\u2019t afraid of it at all.\u00a0 Hoss is though.\u00a0 He\u2019s much happier when he can plant his two feet firmly on the ground.\u00a0 Pa says it\u2019s the farmer in him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says that I\u2019m probably the only one of his boys who has inherited his sailing blood.\u00a0 I love the thought of ships, whereas Hoss is scared of them I think.\u00a0 Little Joe says he wants to be a sailor like Pa, but even though he likes to swim he sometimes gets sick when we go out on the lake in the dingy. He\u2019ll probably end up working on the ranch as well. Pa says he\u2019s sure that he\u2019ll work with the horses because he seems to love them so.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1848<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t believe that I\u2019m actually sitting out here in the barn writing this, but it seems that it\u2019s just about the only place that I get any peace and quiet lately. I know that it won\u2019t last because Hoss or Little Joe will probably come out looking for me and find me soon. It doesn\u2019t matter that it\u2019s way past their bedtime and they\u2019re both supposed to be asleep \u2026 they\u2019re always getting out of bed every time I put them in there. I think they\u2019re both feeling insecure at the moment and don\u2019t like being upstairs alone. Nothing seems to matter much any more.\u00a0 It\u2019s as if the world has gone mad. Time means nothing to them and everything to me!<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that\u2019s the crux of my problems really. I just don\u2019t have enough time. What I wouldn\u2019t give for just one day to myself without having to worry about either of them \u2026 or Pa \u2026 or the ranch. I guess it\u2019s pointless wishing though, because it isn\u2019t about to happen in the near future.\u00a0 Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen again. I can\u2019t believe how much my life has changed in these past few weeks. One moment we were a happy family and the next we were all plunged into this nightmare.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa is the one I feel most sorry for in all of this of course.\u00a0 He just seems so helpless since Marie\u2019s death as if he doesn\u2019t know how to go on with life any more. I would give anything to be able to help him but I just don\u2019t know what else I could do for him. He just sits and stares into the fireplace all day and doesn\u2019t seem interested in anything or anyone around him.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried to interest him in the ranch, but he doesn\u2019t even answer me half the time when I ask him what to do about things.\u00a0 Thank goodness for Charlie.\u00a0 He\u2019s been great with helping me make decisions, but even so the men need me to be there a visible sign that everything is going on as before. That\u2019s the joke of it all though\u2026 Nothing is as it was before and here I am pretending that it is to everyone outside the family.\u00a0 They all think I\u2019m coping well, but inside I\u2019m dying just like Pa and my brothers. Why won\u2019t Pa come back to us?\u00a0 He can\u2019t just pretend he\u2019s buried down by the lake like she is!<\/span><\/p>\n

Doesn\u2019t he realise that we miss her too?\u00a0 There are nights when I cry myself to sleep but I wonder if he\u2019s even considered that I might be hurting too? All I can think about is how mean I was to her when she first came here and how hard I made things for her. I know that she wouldn\u2019t want me to think like that, but I can\u2019t help it.\u00a0 I suppose its like they say \u2026 we never realise what we have until its gone.\u00a0 Marie was such a part of all our lives and I don\u2019t know what we\u2019re going to do without her.<\/span><\/p>\n

Much and all as I need Pa to wake up to himself right about now, the thing that tears at me more than anything is the way he\u2019s treating Hoss and Little Joe. They\u2019re hurting so much as well and they need him more than I do, but he just can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen the hurt look on their faces when he brushes them aside. Hoss might be a big fellar but he\u2019s still a little boy inside and he needs Pa to put his arms around him and let him have a good cry.\u00a0 I know he cries in bed at night because I\u2019ve heard him.\u00a0 There have been so many times when I\u2019ve been going to go in to him, but I think he\u2019d be embarrassed that I knew. Anyway, he needs Pa not me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe is just a mess.\u00a0 He\u2019s too little to understand what death really means and I don\u2019t seem to be able to explain it to him as well as I\u2019d like to. Pa would be able to \u2026 but I don\u2019t think he\u2019s about to do it in the near future. He\u2019s just a little boy who wants his Mama and Papa and all he knows is that they\u2019ve both gone away from him.<\/span><\/p>\n

I hate to admit this even to myself, but I\u2019m tired of trying to be a substitute parent to them both.\u00a0 I\u2019m not their father and I can\u2019t continue to act like I am.\u00a0 They need Pa and not me. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t love them and care about them, but I\u2019m just so tired of trying to be everything to everyone all the time. I need some time for me and I can\u2019t have it. Much and all as I hate to think like this, I\u2019m beginning to resent that fact.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing has been wonderful through all of this.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t know what I\u2019d do without him.\u00a0 He keeps the house going of course, but he\u2019s also looking after Little Joe for me during the day \u2026 and that job is worth a lot, that\u2019s for sure.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t have that kid with me all day!\u00a0 He\u2019d just end up causing trouble and be in the way. Hoss is back at school now and is helping a lot with extra chores.\u00a0 He\u2019s a good kid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Things aren\u2019t being helped by the problems with the men either.\u00a0 They were only just beginning to accept me on their level and now they\u2019re being asked to accept me as their boss in Pa\u2019s absence. No one is saying anything about it of course, but I feel their resentment at having to take orders from a seventeen year-old every time I give them. I think it\u2019s only a matter of time before they either start to question my authority or begin to quit. I need my Pa so much!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what to do any more and I don\u2019t know who to ask for help!<\/span><\/p>\n

I think the hardest thing is having to give up College.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s an impossible dream now as I just can\u2019t leave them all, but it\u2019s so hard when it was so close! I\u2019ve worked so hard for this and it\u2019s not fair that I should have to miss out on it now.\u00a0 Of course I\u2019d never admit that to anyone, but I can at least admit it to myself. I want to go!\u00a0 I want to go and leave all this misery behind me and I can\u2019t!\u00a0 Oh God I need my Pa \u2026 please help me to know what to do!<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1849<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m almost there now! It seems like I\u2019ve been travelling forever and I\u2019ll be so glad to get off this train when we finally get to Boston.\u00a0 Thank heaven I\u2019ve got my books and you, Diary \u2026 without you I don\u2019t know how I would have filled in all the time since I left home.<\/span><\/p>\n

It seems like forever since I left The Ponderosa.\u00a0 So many things I\u2019ve seen already and I haven\u2019t even made it to my final destination yet.\u00a0 I really had no idea how big this country is.\u00a0 I know that I crossed it once before, but I was far too young then to appreciate anything of course. I can\u2019t begin to understand what Pa must have gone through on his journey west.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have the luxury of stagecoaches and trains then and as well as himself he had me to look after too.\u00a0 I have a new insight into the kind of man my father is now.<\/span><\/p>\n

By this time tomorrow I\u2019ll be there.\u00a0 Incredible to think that it\u2019s finally happening after all the years I\u2019ve spent dreaming about it. I just hope that I can live up to expectations while I\u2019m here. Pa has spent so much money just getting me to this point I feel that I can\u2019t let him down.\u00a0 The truth of the matter is I suppose that I don\u2019t want to let myself down either. It\u2019s very daunting to think that I\u2019m at the stage now where it\u2019s all up to me.\u00a0 No more relying on others to help out with all of this.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one who has to prove myself now and I just pray that I\u2019ll be up to the challenge.<\/span><\/p>\n

What if I can\u2019t keep up with the work?\u00a0 It isn\u2019t as if I\u2019ve had any experience with all of this.\u00a0 Most of the others in my year will have been to fancy schools over here and they\u2019ll probably wonder what a country bumpkin is doing here with them. I hope I\u2019ll fit in! I\u2019ve done the best I could with my studies but I know that they must all be ahead of me.\u00a0 They\u2019ve had all the advantage that I\u2019ve longed for and something tells me that it will show.<\/span><\/p>\n

No, that\u2019s not entirely true.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had some advantages that no one else around here could possible dream of.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had experiences living out there that will stand by me, I know that.\u00a0 One huge advantage has been Pa of course.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had a lot of time to think about things lately and I know for certain that no one could have had a better upbringing than I did or a better parent than I\u2019ve had. I must write to him and tell him my feelings about it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny, but I used to be able to talk to Pa about things like that and as I\u2019ve grown older it\u2019s become harder and harder to do so. I don\u2019t know why really \u2026 all I can think of is that as adult we consider our own feelings too much and aren\u2019t as free with them as children can be. Whatever the reason, I know that I\u2019ve become more reserved over the years. Perhaps it\u2019s just my personality?<\/span><\/p>\n

I must admit to being very nervous about meeting Grandfather. It\u2019s a daunting thing to meet a relative you\u2019ve never met before \u2026 well not that I can remember anyway. He seems so nice in his letters, but meeting him face to face will be very different.\u00a0 What if we don\u2019t get on?\u00a0 We\u2019ll be stuck with each other for three years and that\u2019s going to be very difficult.\u00a0 I hope he likes me!<\/span><\/p>\n

What ever happens, I\u2019m so grateful that I\u2019ll have a member of my family over here.\u00a0 Pa is always saying that family means so much and I\u2019m just beginning to understand the full meaning of his words. I miss them all so much already and I don\u2019t know how I\u2019ll survive without them for three whole years.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can still see their faces as I was saying my last goodbyes.\u00a0 Hoss was trying so hard to be brave.\u00a0 He\u2019s still just a kid really and I know that I\u2019ll miss him more than I can possibly say.\u00a0 It seems that Hoss and I have always been so close and no one could hope for a better brother.\u00a0 He\u2019s trying to be strong for Pa now and I know that he is conscious of filling the gap that my absence will make.\u00a0 I\u2019m so glad we had that talk the night before I left and got to say things that we\u2019d never said to each other.\u00a0 Funny how it\u2019s easier for me to talk to Hoss than it is to Pa about my feelings lately.\u00a0 Probably that theory about grownup feelings again.<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought that Little Joe would never let me go when he started crying and hugging me in the street.\u00a0 I\u2019m really going to miss that little kid!\u00a0 I wonder what he\u2019s doing right about now?\u00a0 Probably annoying Pa or Hoss about something.\u00a0 I\u2019d give anything for him to be here with me now annoying me. One thing about Little Joe, you always know what he\u2019s thinking because he lets on in no uncertain terms.\u00a0 I thought Pa was never going to get him off me when he started and in a way I didn\u2019t even want him to.\u00a0 I wanted to keep hold of him and carry him onto the stage with me and all the way to Boston.\u00a0 Stupid thoughts like that keep going through my mind lately.<\/span><\/p>\n

I suppose I just have nerves about the future and I\u2019m sure they\u2019ll settle down once all this is over and I\u2019m settled.\u00a0 Pa said just to be myself and everything will fall into place.\u00a0 God I hope that he\u2019s right! I know he is, because he\u2019s always been right before. I\u2019m so lucky to have a father like him.\u00a0 I\u2019m really going to miss him so much \u2026. I hope I\u2019ll be able to cope with all this and make him proud.<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to make Pa proud more than anything in the world.\u00a0 It meant so much to me a few months ago when he told me how proud he was of me taking care of everything after Marie died. I never really knew the depth of his feelings for me until that day and I still get emotional about it all when I think about it.\u00a0 It was so hard at that time, but I had no choice.\u00a0 I suppose it was all the training that Pa had given me about responsibility and family.\u00a0 All I know is that I couldn\u2019t have let him or the boys down and I\u2019m so glad that he felt that I didn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so happy for him that he managed to come through it too.\u00a0 For a while there I didn\u2019t think that he would, but I should have known better.\u00a0 Pa is a very strong man and he has a strength to him that I\u2019m only beginning to see as an adult now. There is no way that he would have let us all down if he could help it and those months he spent grieving were beyond his control \u2026 I know that now. I was so relieved when he came back to us emotionally though \u2026 I needed him so much! Still do really. Even though I\u2019m pretending to be all grown up I\u2019d give anything for Pa to be here with me now to support me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just goes to show the kind of man that he is when he told me he was insisting that I come here after all.\u00a0 I must admit though that I didn\u2019t put up much of a fight.\u00a0 The minute he broached the subject my heart lifted and I knew that he knew it. I should have known that he wouldn\u2019t let me give up all my plans.\u00a0 Even though I\u2019m a year later doing all this than I\u2019d originally planned, I think it has turned out for the best. I\u2019m a year older now and I\u2019ve certainly learnt a lot in the past year to help me cope.\u00a0 I just hope that it\u2019s going to be enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1850<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s nice to have the time to write in you for once.\u00a0 I must admit to having neglected you lately because of the exams, and for the first time in weeks I actually feel that I\u2019ve got time to stop and think about things again. I\u2019m so glad they\u2019re all over!\u00a0 I think this year has been the hardest of my life in so many ways and I just hope that my results will prove that all this isn\u2019t beyond me. I need so much to prove that to myself after everything that I\u2019ve been through.\u00a0 It would be nice to give Pa and Grandfather reason to be proud of me too. Not they\u2019re not already .. I know that \u2026 but I just want them to think well of me with my studies.<\/span><\/p>\n

I suppose all will be revealed by tomorrow when the results come out. I\u2019m not sure about a couple of subjects.\u00a0 I hope what I did was enough. I\u2019ve worked so hard and I really don\u2019t see how I could have done any more than I did.\u00a0 I just hope that it was enough. God please let it be enough!<\/span><\/p>\n

Whatever the outcome of tomorrow, I\u2019m sure looking forward to having some time off from the books for a while. I intend to just do nothing and enjoy myself for a while now.\u00a0 I know that will please Grandfather, for he\u2019s always telling me to relax a bit more and not take things so seriously. Funny he should keep saying it, because he\u2019s exactly the same.\u00a0 It strange how I see so much of myself in him.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot to be said for inherited characteristics. I must remember to read up on that a bit more .. I\u2019m sure there\u2019ll be something on it in the Library at College.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s strange to think back on how nervous I was when I first met him.\u00a0 It was understandable of course, but knowing him now as I do there was no way that we were never going to be close.\u00a0 I knew from the first moment he hugged me at the train station that day. Mind you, he\u2019s a crusty old thing when he puts his mind to it \u2026 and stubborn. You\u2019d better believe it!\u00a0 Just as well I\u2019m that way myself or we\u2019d never have got on so well.<\/span><\/p>\n

He says that I remind him a lot of my mother.\u00a0 Well all I can say to that is that she must have been a lot like him. I think that\u2019s been the nicest thing about being here during this past year.\u00a0 Getting to know the place where my mother grew up.\u00a0 Grandfather has told me so much about her and I could swear that I can almost feel her presence here in this house among the things she loved. It\u2019s nice to be able to go and sit next to her grave as well.\u00a0 I feel somehow connected to her there.<\/span><\/p>\n

Grandfather says that I have similar interests to my mother \u2026 more of that inherited characteristics theory I suppose. It\u2019s nice to think that I share some traits with her \u2026 kind of connects us in a way. I\u2019ve been able to look at her things while I\u2019ve been here.\u00a0 Things she had as a girl. It\u2019s interesting to notice that her choices of books are similar to mine, although obviously some of them are more leaning towards the feminine literature.\u00a0 We obviously share a passion for books and I\u2019m having a great time reading through them gradually. I think it will probably take the best part of the three years to get through them though.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m also looking forward to getting out a bit and seeing this beautiful city in the next few months now that my exams are over and I\u2019ll have a bit more time. I know the harbour well of course, but haven\u2019t been much further afield yet due to study commitments. It\u2019s funny, but no matter what I seem to do in life, time is always a factor. I suppose that\u2019s true of all people really. Back in Nevada I never seemed to have much time for me due to the ranch, school and my family.\u00a0 Here in Boston it\u2019s College that takes up my time. I think I\u2019ll have to start taking Grandfather\u2019s advice and try and relax a bit more. Maybe in the new Semester I can tone down the study \u2026. As long as I pass these exams and prove to everyone that I can really do this.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a bit worried about Pa.\u00a0 He sounded somewhat frazzled in his last letter.\u00a0 I guess that he\u2019s felt my absence during this past year in more ways than one. Not only am I not working on the ranch now, but he has Hoss and Little Joe to contend with all by himself.\u00a0 Not that he\u2019s not capable of doing it of course, but he just sounded \u2026. Well tired I suppose. I know how he feels.<\/span><\/p>\n

It sounds like Hoss is coming into his own. Pa was certainly right when he said that he was a born rancher as his letters are full of Ponderosa news. It\u2019s as if it\u2019s all he lives for. I know he desperately wants to give up school, but at twelve that\u2019s simply not an option and he knows it.\u00a0 Poor Hoss \u2026 I think he misses me a lot, as I do him. He\u2019s trying so hard to be a help to Pa.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think Little Joe is the one making Pa sound frazzled. I would have thought it would be easier for them all now that he\u2019s at school, but it just sounds as if Pa has to become involved in his school problems as well as the mischief he causes at home. If only Marie was still around!\u00a0 I suspect that little kid would be more under control with her firm hand on him.\u00a0 That\u2019s the problem of course \u2026 he\u2019s so much like she was.\u00a0 He\u2019s just so very strong willed and stubborn. I guess that\u2019s a bit of a Cartwright trait as I will admit I\u2019m inclined to be that way myself, and Pa definitely is. Poor kid, he probably doesn\u2019t have a chance to be anything else in this family.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wonder how much they\u2019ll both have changed when I return?\u00a0 Three years is a long time in kid\u2019s lives.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard enough for adults but to Hoss and Little Joe it must seem like a lifetime.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1851<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad that I brought you with me on this trip to New York. I nearly didn\u2019t because I thought things would be too hectic to have much time for writing, but it\u2019s great to have the opportunity to record my thoughts before they all slip away to be forever lost in the dim shadows of my memory.\u00a0 Far better to record it all now while it\u2019s fresh.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so glad that I took up Matthew\u2019s invitation to visit his family here. I had a feeling it was the right thing to do as I really feel the need for a break before exams are upon us.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why they\u2019ve put them so late this year, but I\u2019m happy for the delay.\u00a0 I suppose I should be using this time for studying, but to be honest I really think the week\u2019s break will do me good.\u00a0 It might make things a bit fresher for me when I return. I know I\u2019ve done all the preparation I can, I only have to review now and I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll be all right with it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s amazing how much more confident I am this year with the work.\u00a0 Not like last year when I was so unsure of my capabilities.\u00a0 Now at least I know that I\u2019m not out of my depth with all of this.\u00a0 I feel very much a part of things here now. It\u2019s good not to have to worry about the fitting in aspect of life here any more and I can afford to let my guard down a bit and be myself more which is as it should be.\u00a0 I seem to remember Pa telling me that at the very beginning of all this. I should have know that he\u2019d be right.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s so hard to imagine what must be going on back at The Ponderosa now with Pa and the boys. I guess they\u2019ll have grown so much in two years that I\u2019d find them very different. Hoss is a teenager no and that\u2019s very hard to imagine and Little Joe is seven. Still the same tear-away kid I\u2019m sure. I thought it was cute the way he way he signs his letters\u00a0Joe<\/em>\u00a0now instead of\u00a0Little Joe<\/em>. Pa says he insist on them dropping the\u00a0Little<\/em>\u00a0and every time they forget he lets them know it.\u00a0 Somehow though I feel that his particular nickname might be around in our family for a long time to come.<\/span><\/p>\n

I miss all of those little things about home.\u00a0 I\u2019d love to be able to just sit down with those two and be a boy again for an afternoon with them.\u00a0 I hope that they won\u2019t have grown up too much when I get home that it\u2019s too late for that. Its certainly strange to think that I\u2019ve been here now for two years. I feel so much a part of all this and yet I miss home as well.\u00a0 I know now that if Pa had never decided to go West with me that I would have made a happy life here and would have been very content. Maybe I can still be content here again?<\/span><\/p>\n

My problem is that I don\u2019t really know what I want.\u00a0 I would never have swapped my experiences here for anything and yet with every positive experience I have here comes a feeling of being torn away from everything I hold dear back there.\u00a0 Sometimes life is so hard!\u00a0 I want to be part of both worlds and the time will be coming when I\u2019ll have to choose. I honestly don\u2019t know what that choice will be.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember telling Pa when I was a boy how I wanted to sail around the world. I still feel that way at times. I want to just get on a ship and leave for parts unknown.\u00a0 I want to experience things that I\u2019ve only read about. I want to see more of this wonderful country of ours and foreign places as well. It\u2019s as if Boston is the gateway to the world and it\u2019s all just there waiting for me.\u00a0 At times it takes my breath away just thinking about it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet even as I get so enthralled at the thought of it all, something is holding me back. How could I turn my back on them back in Nevada?\u00a0 How could I turn around and say to Pa that I don\u2019t share his dream any more? I don\u2019t think that I could do that to him after all he\u2019s done for me and yet I know that I can\u2019t live a lie either.\u00a0 There is no easy answer to this. I hope that I find one by this time next year when it will be time to return or not. I wish I could talk it through with Pa, but it\u2019s just not something I can put into a letter.\u00a0 Grandfather would try and be supportive of me, but he doesn\u2019t really understand the issue as he\u2019s never been through it himself and I don\u2019t really know anyone who I can ask.\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid it\u2019s a problem I\u2019m going to have to wrestle with in my own mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

In the meantime though I\u2019m making the most of this trip. New York is a very interesting place and I\u2019m thoroughly enjoying my stay here. Matthew has lots of connections around the city and we\u2019ve been caught up in a social whirl during the past few days. I\u2019m a bit in awe of the sophistication of some of the people here, but I keep telling myself that just because I may not be quite as polished as them in the social graces that it doesn\u2019t make me a lesser person.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m beginning to sound like Pa when I read what I\u2019ve just written!<\/span><\/p>\n

Everywhere I go here I can see Marie.\u00a0 I think she\u2019d be right at home here in the city and can just see her enjoying all the social events here. One day I\u2019m going to visit her city of New Orleans.\u00a0 She used to tell me about it and it also sounds fascinating.\u00a0 Maybe one day I\u2019ll go with Little Joe. When he\u2019s a lot older of course.\u00a0 That little rapscallion needs to grow up quite a bit before Pa will let him loose on the world!<\/span><\/p>\n

Since I came here I often stop and wonder about Marie. I think I now have a deeper appreciation about what she left behind to live in Nevada with Pa and us. For someone who had never lived anywhere except in the city it must have been a daunting thing to do, especially when she had to take on two young stepsons as well. I think she coped remarkably well considering how hard it must have been for her.\u00a0 Looking back on it now, I don\u2019t think that Pa would have helped much at the time either.\u00a0 Not that he wouldn\u2019t have wanted to \u2026 he would have done anything for her \u2026. But he was so busy trying to build up the ranch and create a life for us all that he wouldn\u2019t have been able to give her the time she probably needed. Marie was always a strong and feisty woman though. I\u2019m beginning to appreciate just how much really. Maybe that little boy of hers will be the same?<\/span><\/p>\n

Matthew will be back soon and I need to go and get ready for tonight.\u00a0 I wonder if the lovely Louise will be there? I certainly hope so as that woman does things to me that I can\u2019t even describe. She\u2019s the main reason I\u2019m glad I came to New York.\u00a0 If only Matthew had told me about his beautiful cousin sooner.\u00a0 I\u2019d have come with him for the Christmas break as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1852<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

Well I\u2019ve finally done it!\u00a0 All that worrying is over and I feel so much better because the decision is finally made and it\u2019s all out in the open now. I know that Grandfather is upset about it, but he really did expect it underneath. We both knew when I came here that it was only a temporary thing, but I\u2019m sure that underneath he was still hoping that it would be for longer.\u00a0 I wrote to Pa earlier today and posted it this afternoon. Even though there are still a few more weeks left here I already feel as if my time is up and want to rush right down to the train station.\u00a0 I know that must be a sign that I\u2019ve made the right decision to return home.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to spend the time that I have left visiting all my favourite places one more time. It will be hard to leave all this, but I know in my heart that one day I\u2019ll be back even so.\u00a0 The hardest thing will be leaving Grandfather, for both of us know that there are no guarantees that we\u2019ll ever see each other again. He\u2019s definitely not up to travelling as far as Nevada now and who knows how long it will take me to return here for a visit?\u00a0 It\u2019s not a trip that I would make lightly.<\/span><\/p>\n

He\u2019s become very dear to me as I know I am to him. It will be like leaving a part of me behind when I go.\u00a0 I know now how he must have felt when Pa took me with him all those years ago after Mother died. After all, we were the only family he had and these years must have been incredibly lonely for him. No matter what the future holds I will always have a special place in my heart for this crusty old man and will carry him with me always.<\/span><\/p>\n

Leaving my mother behind will be difficult too. It\u2019s true that\u2019s how I feel about it.\u00a0 Whether she\u2019s alive or dead I know she lives here in the place that she grew up in and I\u2019ll miss everything about her that surrounds me. Grandfather has told me that anything of hers that I want I\u2019m to take.\u00a0 I\u2019m so grateful to him for that.\u00a0 I have a few things that I cherish because she once owned them and I\u2019ll make sure that I take something for Pa as well, but I can\u2019t take everything that I would like to.\u00a0 How could I leave him with nothing of his only daughter? After all, one day they will come to me when he\u2019s gone.\u00a0 Better that he should hold the memories close while he can.<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel freer now than I have for a long time. Once the Graduation is over there\u2019s nothing left to do except enjoy myself and say my farewells.\u00a0 I\u2019ll certainly miss all my friends as well as Rachel.\u00a0 I\u2019ve dated a lot of women in my time here but she is one that I could really fall for if I allowed myself to.\u00a0 Somehow though I can\u2019t really see Rachel Higgins as a rancher\u2019s wife. I think she\u2019d die from lack of company out there and she certainly wouldn\u2019t be able to live without all the social events that she is used to here.\u00a0\u00a0 No, the woman for me is one I haven\u2019t met yet, that much I know.\u00a0 Yet still it will be hard to say goodbye.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not so hard when I think of what I\u2019m going home for though. I can hardly wait to see them again.\u00a0 The moment Pa puts his arms around me for one of those big hugs of his is the moment I\u2019ll know that I\u2019m truly home.\u00a0 Now I\u2019m beginning to think like my younger brothers when I write words like that!\u00a0 I wonder just how those two rapscallions will react to me after all this time?<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m looking forward to so many things. Simple things like the smell of the pines at night and listening to the wind talking to them as it rustles through their leaves.\u00a0 The smell of the snow on the Sierras in winter.\u00a0 Dangling my feet in Lake Tahoe while doing nothing except waiting for a fish to hook himself on my line. I\u2019m getting anxious to be there just thinking about it all. Its amazing how we never know what we have until we lose it.\u00a0 I\u2019m just grateful that I\u2019ll have the chance to regain it all again.<\/span><\/p>\n

I hope that Pa is interested in what I have planned for The Ponderosa. So many ideas have been in my head during my time here.\u00a0 I\u2019m so glad that Engineering was my major because now I\u2019ll be able to put it to some practical use. I\u2019m excited to think of the improvements we\u2019ll be able to make out there when I outline them all to Pa.<\/span><\/p>\n

It will be strange to have Hoss on the ranch fulltime with both of us now.\u00a0 I suppose Pa eventually had to give in and let him leave school and fifteen is definitely old enough so I suppose he really had no choice.\u00a0 I think it was obvious to everyone that Hoss would never want to stay any longer than he had to.\u00a0 School was never something that appealed to him and he\u2019ll be much happier on the ranch where he\u2019s best suited.\u00a0 I\u2019m looking forward to getting to know that brother of mine all over again, this time as an adult. I hope he\u2019s still the same sweet brother he always was. I\u2019m sure that he will be.\u00a0 People like Hoss don\u2019t change, they just improve with age.<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe is the one that I wonder most about, probably because of his age.\u00a0 After all, there is a big difference between a five year-old and a nine year-old.\u00a0 I hope he remembers me and we can take off where we left before. I wonder if he\u2019ll greet me with one of those giant hugs of his?\u00a0 It seems like only yesterday that he was sending me off with one and now here I am three years later about to return.<\/span><\/p>\n

They say that time marches quicker the older you get and I\u2019m beginning to think that\u2019s right. Even looking back on all my experiences here it still seems like in the blink of an eye I could be back there again with them at the stage where they saw me off.\u00a0 In so many ways I\u2019m a different person now.\u00a0 I remember how scared I was at the thought of the big city then.\u00a0 I wondered if I would fit in and if I\u2019d bitten off more than I could chew with the work.\u00a0 Now I know that none of that mattered.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s like Pa says. You take a bit of every experience with you and make it a part of you.\u00a0 I know that I\u2019ll always have some of my life here in Boston in me now wherever I go in my life and whatever I do, but I know where my heart belongs and that\u2019s where I\u2019m headed.\u00a0 I long for the moment when I step off that stage and into Pa\u2019s embrace.\u00a0 I think for once I won\u2019t care who is around\u2026. he can hug me as much as he likes!<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1853<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

There are some days when I wonder if I\u2019ve made the right decision in coming back here and unfortunately today was one of them! Why does he have to be so pigheaded about everything? I don\u2019t ever remember the two of us being like this before, but somehow during the past few months Pa and I are not seeing eye to eye about things.\u00a0 It is so frustrating when he doesn\u2019t listen to me!<\/span><\/p>\n

I know my idea for the new irrigation system will work and I really can\u2019t fathom his objection to it at all.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s expensive and time consuming, but it isn\u2019t like we don\u2019t have the money or the personnel to achieve it for heaven\u2019s sake!\u00a0 He\u2019s just stubborn and that\u2019s all there is to it! It\u2019s like when I suggested the improvements to the sawmill last month.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t too happy to go with it then, but he\u2019s seeing the benefits of it now.\u00a0 Why can\u2019t he just trust me for once and let me prove to him what I can do?<\/span><\/p>\n

I suppose that\u2019s what it all boils down to. Trust. I know he does trust me, but only so far.\u00a0 He still thinks of me as a kid who needs guidance in everything and doesn\u2019t stop to consider that I\u2019m not the same person I was before I left here.\u00a0 Things were fine up until the end of last year and then suddenly they all fell apart.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s because we were still getting to know each other again until then. We were probably being careful of each other and not wanting to tread on each other\u2019s toes for a while.<\/span><\/p>\n

I do understand where he\u2019s coming from. \u00a0I run off for three years and now I\u2019m back with all these ideas and he needs time to get used to them, but I think I\u2019m being more than patient. He has done an incredible job since I\u2019ve been away I must admit. The Ponderosa is thriving and things couldn\u2019t be better financially, which is even more reason why I just don\u2019t understand his objection to all of this.\u00a0 The timing is perfect for expansion.<\/span><\/p>\n

He makes my blood boil when he says that my education gets in the way of my thinking.\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t he the one to encourage me to better myself?\u00a0 Well I did and now he seems to resent it. I can\u2019t make him out any more. I suppose he\u2019s just being stubborn.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss of course won\u2019t take my side in all of this but then again he won\u2019t take Pa\u2019s side either.\u00a0 Typical Hoss that he manages to stay neutral in it all and not get offside with either of us while he\u2019s dong it.\u00a0 I suspect he really agrees with Pa about all of this. I love my brother dearly, but I know that he isn\u2019t the sort of person who is capable of seeing things as they could be.\u00a0 Hoss lives more for the present than the future. I\u2019d like to be like that, but I just can\u2019t.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t in my nature, any more than it is in Joe\u2019s nature to be calm.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny how I\u2019m the only person around here to call my youngest brother Joe and not Little Joe anymore. From the moment I stepped off that stage and saw the very different boy he had become I just began to do it.\u00a0 I think it means a lot to him too.\u00a0 He sees it as my endorsement of his maturity in a way.\u00a0 Not that he shows much evidence of maturity, but I suppose in his eyes he does.\u00a0 To a ten year-old who thinks they are nearly grown up it\u2019s very important to be treated that way.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can remember when I was ten and feeling that I was just about a man, so I suppose Joe thinks like that as well. He sure tests my patience though. I\u2019ve got to try and remember what it was like to be ten years old myself more.\u00a0 I think he riles me because I\u2019ve been away from children for a while and my memories of how he used to be are very different to how he really is now. I suppose I just expect something different from him. Hope fully we\u2019ll work it out.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thinking back on it, it\u2019s been a hard year.\u00a0 I thought I\u2019d have just come back and slipped into the world that I knew from before, but I should have known that it could never be like that again. I\u2019m a different person to the one I was all that time ago and so are they.\u00a0 I suppose we have all had some adjusting to do and we all have to make allowances for each other. I know I have to do that with Pa and I know he\u2019s trying to do it with me, but it\u2019s still so damn frustrating all the same!<\/span><\/p>\n

Why is it that as adults we are less tolerant than when we are children? I certainly don\u2019t mean to be and Pa\u2019s comment about my obstinacy really hurt. I know he doesn\u2019t really mean it, but sometimes I feel that he\u2019s threatened by my ideas. I think he feels that I\u2019m criticising how he has run things around here and that isn\u2019t true. I have so much admiration for the way he has built up this ranch and raised the three of us.\u00a0 Maybe I should tell him that?\u00a0 Maybe then we\u2019d be able to sit down and work through this?<\/span><\/p>\n

I know he doesn\u2019t agree with the way I treat Joe lately and to be honest I don\u2019t really like the way I am with him at times myself.\u00a0 But I just can\u2019t seem to help it. I wonder whatever happened to that sweet little mischief-maker I left behind all those years ago?\u00a0 He\u2019s still here \u2026 he\u2019s just bigger and cheekier I suppose. I seem to have spent all those years in Boston yearning for my baby brother and when I came back he\u2019d disappeared and evolved into this cheeky kid who seems to live to annoy me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa says that he\u2019s trying to prove himself to me and I know that it\u2019s true.\u00a0 I just wish that he\u2019d hurry up and realise that he doesn\u2019t need to try so hard with me. I suppose that\u2019s just his nature, but it makes me angry with him and then we clash. Poor Pa!\u00a0 He has been waiting all this time for me to come home and when I do nothing seems to go right!\u00a0 He must be wishing that I\u2019d stayed in Boston after all.<\/span><\/p>\n

Actually I know that he was very relieved when I made the decision to come home.\u00a0 He never said a word about it of course, but I could tell it was in his mind that I might choose not to. If only he knew how close I came to making that very decision.\u00a0 He thought he might lose me \u2026 and he very nearly did.<\/span><\/p>\n

I know I\u2019ve made the right decision to be here.\u00a0 I just wish it were easier to find my place in all of this. I\u2019ve had a hard enough time trying to fit back into ranch life as well.\u00a0 I never stopped to consider how hard that might be really.\u00a0 One thing I have learned during these past few months is how easy it is to get out of shape. Three years of city life sure spoilt me and it has taken a lot of hard work to get to the stage where I\u2019m not exhausted every night after work. The men have been difficult as well.\u00a0 It was as if I had to prove myself all over again to them which is not surprising considering many of them hadn\u2019t even met me before.<\/span><\/p>\n

In some ways that was even harder than it was when I was seventeen and had to take over for Pa after Marie died. At least then they knew who I was.\u00a0 This time I\u2019m a city boy who not only has to prove himself in the saddle but also as the boss\u2019s son.\u00a0 At least now that\u2019s a lot easier. They seem to have come around.\u00a0 How strange it was to think that they listened to Hoss more than to me! He\u2019ll never know how surprised I was to find that out.\u00a0 Of course he has such knowledge of things around here that it just comes naturally to all of them. He\u2019s one of them even though he\u2019s so young.\u00a0 Pa never was more correct when he predicted Hoss\u2019 future on the Ponderosa. I wonder if Joe will be the same when he\u2019s grown up?<\/span><\/p>\n

I think it might be a good idea to go into town tomorrow and stay away from Pa.\u00a0 We both need a cooling off period I think. I\u2019ll try and think of some excuse to go in.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll ask Hop Sing if he needs anything?<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1854<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s so nice to be here in San Francisco and get away from the ranch for a while. I\u2019m so glad that Pa asked to come \u2026 in more ways than one really.\u00a0 Not only is it a good chance to catch up with a bit of city life, but it\u2019s just an example of how much he trusts me now.\u00a0 I\u2019m so glad that we\u2019re getting on much better.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny to think back now on all the problems I was having last year.\u00a0 They were important at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight they were just silly really. Of course it was going to take me time to find my place back within this family and my world out here.\u00a0 I think I was just being impatient to fit in again.<\/span><\/p>\n

I sure hope that the business deal goes well tomorrow. No reason why it shouldn\u2019t really because its very straightforward, but I suppose I\u2019m a bit anxious because of the fact that Pa isn\u2019t here to handle things with me.\u00a0 Actually it\u2019s the first time he\u2019s ever let me take complete control of a deal from beginning to end like this. Of course I\u2019ve been in charge many times back on The Ponderosa, but I mean the business side of things as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

This timber deal was by idea from beginning to end and I know that Pa has been sitting back watching to see if I can prove myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m proud to say that I haven\u2019t let either myself or him down and after tomorrow everything will be finalised.\u00a0 The timber is loaded on the clipper ship and ready for shipping and all that is left to do is to sign the paperwork. We never would have been able to fulfil the contracts for this amount of lumber before, so I\u2019m sure now that Pa can see the benefits in my designs.<\/span><\/p>\n

Still, I\u2019m sure that the men yesterday would have preferred that it was Pa they were dealing with and not me. I saw the look on their faces when I came into the Board Room. They felt slighted that Pa hadn\u2019t bothered to attend the meeting and had sent me instead. Hopefully they realised by the end of it that I can hold my own in business deals.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure they were surprised when I wouldn\u2019t back down over the price.\u00a0 They thought that they would use the opportunity to take advantage of our family, but they sure didn\u2019t get away with it! Wait until Pa finds out the price I squeezed out of them! I\u2019m sure looking forward to seeing the look on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s been nice to catch up on a bit of culture while I\u2019m here as well.\u00a0 San Francisco is really coming of age lately. Of course it\u2019s not as grand as Back East and things take a lot longer to get out here, but I\u2019ve been surprised at the variety of plays on offer. One day perhaps the West will be in step with the East in our country.<\/span><\/p>\n

I must remember to do some shopping before I catch the stage on Thursday.\u00a0 Hoss and Joe would kill me if I came back with nothing for them. I\u2019ll have to look around for something for Pa as well.\u00a0 He never asks for anything, but he deserves someone to think about him for a change. It\u2019s hard to know what to get them all, but I suppose I can\u2019t go wrong with some books and imported tobacco for Pa.\u00a0 Hoss is usually easy.\u00a0 Anything he can put into his mouth will be appreciated and there are such a variety of sweet stores here that I won\u2019t have any trouble finding something appropriate. I found just the things for Joe yesterday in a little shop down near the harbour and I\u2019ll go back tomorrow after the meeting to get it.\u00a0 It\u2019s a miniature clipper ship, built in such detail that\u2019s it\u2019s fascinating.\u00a0 I really wouldn\u2019t mind one for myself to be honest. It would be nice to be a kid again and be able to indulge myself.\u00a0 Joe will be thrilled with it I know.\u00a0 He\u2019s always getting Pa to tell him stories about his life at sea.<\/span><\/p>\n

Its funny how I miss them all even when I\u2019m away for just a few days. Pa is right when he says that family really means a lot.\u00a0 We are all pretty close really and we have Pa to thank for that. Many families in our situation could easily have splintered, but he held us together by the sheer force of his strong will and love.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting to look back as an adult and think about the choices that Pa made for himself and for us. Choices that I\u2019m very glad he did make.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a child it\u2019s easy just to accept the life you have, but as an adult you realise the myriad of choices and circumstances that lead you to the place that you are. I\u2019m so glad that I had Pa making the choices for me all those years ago.\u00a0 A lesser man would have given up, but he never did. He was always there for us, except when it was beyond his control and he loved us unconditionally.\u00a0 I appreciate what he has done for myself and my brothers more than I could ever say.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wish that I could find the way to tell him how I feel.\u00a0 It\u2019s so hard for me to put my thoughts into words. Much easier to write them down. I don\u2019t know why that is, but I only hope that somehow he knows the depths of my feelings for him.\u00a0 I only hope that one day when I\u2019m a parent I\u2019ll be able to be half as good a father as he is.<\/span><\/p>\n

It has never been easy for Pa.\u00a0 I can\u2019t begin to imagine how he coped with the death of three women that he loved.\u00a0 I saw him struggle and come through it with Marie of course, but I was too young at the time to realise what he must have been going through with Inger.\u00a0 I have a bit of an insight into my mother now and know that they were deeply in love.\u00a0 Grandfather helped me to understand that. Three loves and three deaths and never letting go of the three of us boys.\u00a0 He certainly is an extraordinary man my father.<\/span><\/p>\n

I hope that Hoss and Joe appreciate him as they get older.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure that Hoss does now in many ways. He and Pa get on so well that sometimes I feel a bit left out.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t really, because I know that it comes from the fact that I was out of their lives for a while.\u00a0 There is something about Hoss\u2019 complete acceptance of the land that he and Pa share \u2026 something I will never have with him.\u00a0 Pa knows that I\u2019ll always be torn between my life on The Ponderosa and the lure of the outside world, but with Hoss there is no choice to make.\u00a0 He is at one with his life there and completely at peace with it. He doesn\u2019t ever feel the need to strive beyond it and for that I envy him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa has experience life outside The Ponderosa and he is now happy to exist within it as Hoss is.\u00a0 They have a mutual agreement that it is the focus of their life now and it is wonderful to see them together at peace with their surroundings.\u00a0 I can identify with them and understand it, but I\u2019m part of it to a certain extent and that saddens me. In choosing The Ponderosa I gave up other things and there will always be that feeling inside me of\u00a0what if<\/em>? Hoss will never have to face that.<\/span><\/p>\n

I sometimes wonder what will happen with Joe?\u00a0 At the moment he\u2019s still a child of course, but it will be interesting to watch where his life takes him.\u00a0 He\u2019s different to both Hoss and myself in that he seems to have a restlessness in him. I have one too, but it comes of my desire to experience two worlds.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s seems to come from within him.\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s as if he doesn\u2019t know how to control his emotions at all.\u00a0 He sure is one volatile kid that\u2019s for sure!<\/span><\/p>\n

I can really see Joe headed for trouble as he grows older. He never stops to think about things before he jumps in and Pa and I have a terrible time trying to make him understand the consequences of his actions. I just hope that he develops enough sense along the way to keep himself on the straight and narrow.\u00a0 I know that Pa worries about him a lot. I wonder how things would have been if Marie had lived? I\u2019m sure that she would have been a positive influence on the kid.<\/span><\/p>\n

==========<\/span><\/p>\n

March 21st 1855<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling in a bit of a reflective mood tonight and I really don\u2019t know why. Perhaps it\u2019s because of all the things that have been happening around here lately and the fact that I haven\u2019t really had a lot of opportunity to write in you for quite a while. I spent some time last night reading back over the early volumes of your pages and it was fun to see my thoughts in those early years.\u00a0 How strange it is to think back on those times and remember the boy that I was then.<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel very much at peace with myself lately. I don\u2019t know why, because there\u2019s nothing that has happened to particularly make me feel that way.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s just my contentment with my life here. This place is so right for me \u2026. I know that now.\u00a0 Whether of not it always will be I\u2019m not sure. I\u2019m sure there\u2019ll come a time when I pull up for roots for a while and spread my wings again, but for now I\u2019m happy to stay here and be part of this dream that Pa made reality for us.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Territory is really coming of age.\u00a0 I can see things happening around us that point to things to come.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually nice to be away from all the trouble that is brewing Back East and be part of an area that is forging ahead in so many ways. There\u2019s talk of Statehood coming for Nevada, but I truly believe that it\u2019s a long way off yet. I think that is only being fuelled by those\u00a0 Back East who want to get their hands on the Comstock Lode in case war comes. Thank heavens for men of integrity around such as Pa who will fight against it happening.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m finding myself more and more drawn into politics lately.\u00a0 It\u2019s such a fascinating field and with everything happening in our Country there sure is a lot to think and read about. Progress is a wonderful thing!\u00a0 We get the Eastern papers so quickly now that I feel almost a part of the happenings back there even way out here. We are now only weeks behind instead of months. I hope President Pierce can hold things together back there, for the latest news from Kansas doesn\u2019t sound at all hopeful.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny how your world widens as you get older.\u00a0 As a child my whole world revolved around Pa and myself.\u00a0 Then it widened to include The Ponderosa, Hoss and Joe.\u00a0 Then Boston opened my eyes to the delights of The East. When I first came back to Nevada I was interested in the progress of the Territory, but now I find myself involved in the politics of the country as a whole. Sometimes I long to be that little boy again.\u00a0 My world was very complete in those days with just myself and Pa to fill it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I look at Joe and wonder sometimes.\u00a0 He is growing up in a very different world to the one that I did.\u00a0 At twelve years of age I was helping Pa to establish things around here and dealing with a new stepmother.\u00a0 It was a very trying time for me. Joe has none of that.\u00a0 His life in many ways is a lot easier than mine was, and yet in other ways it is harder. He will never know the simple pleasures that I experienced with Pa and Hoss and for that I am sorry for him.\u00a0 On the other hand though he has many advantages that progress out here has brought. Somehow though I don\u2019t think he\u2019d see all of them as advantages.\u00a0 School for one thing.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would have given anything to be able to go to school from an early age and yet Joe seems to spend his whole time resisting it. I don\u2019t think that new teacher Abigail Jones helps the situation at all though.\u00a0 From what I can tell she\u2019s not the best of teachers. She and Joe seem to clash a lot and Pa has to spend a lot of time trying to sort it out. In fact Pa seems to spend a lot of his time sorting out Joe\u2019s trouble making.\u00a0 He says that kid was born to age him and I tend to agree with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sure loves that new horse of his, although I can\u2019t think why on earth he would have called it Cochise. I suppose he thinks its clever or something. Pa says that he sees a lot of Marie in Joe and I agree with him. He looks so much like her of course, but he acts just like her too.\u00a0 He\u2019s right about the same age now that I was when he was born and it\u2019s strange to think back to those times and my attitude towards his mother. I really gave her a hard time just like Joe is giving us a hard time now.\u00a0 The world turns in cycles I suppose and all things happen in their own way and at their own pace. What goes around come around if you wait long enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am so lucky to have Hoss in my life.\u00a0 No one could ask for a better brother than that little big brother of mine.\u00a0 He is one of life\u2019s true gentlemen and I\u2019m very proud to be his brother.\u00a0 There isn\u2019t a nasty bone in Hoss\u2019 body and he would move heaven and earth for his family.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen him put up with a lot of Joe\u2019s nonsense without a murmur and I admire him for it so much. I just don\u2019t have the patience with him that Hoss does.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s Hoss though. He\u2019s patient with everything in life.\u00a0 Nothing seems to fluster him \u2026 except women.\u00a0 I wish he\u2019d just develop a bit more confidence in himself and let them see the wonderful guy he is.\u00a0 He\u2019ll make some lucky lady a wonderful husband some day and I hope he allows himself the chance to be that.\u00a0 Pa would give me that classic eyebrow lift of his if he could read this. I think he believes that it\u2019s time for me to start thinking about settling down and I know that he\u2019s longing for some grandchildren to spoil, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019m nearly ready to be thinking along those lines yet at all.<\/span><\/p>\n

At twenty-four I\u2019ve still got a lot of time to find the right woman and I\u2019ve got too many things in life still to experience before I start to think about settling down. It\u2019s strange to think that at my age Pa already had been widowed once and had me as a two year-old.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how he did that to be honest.\u00a0 I know that I\u2019m not ready for it yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

One day I hope to be a father and husband and I know that I\u2019ll be happy when I find the right woman.\u00a0 I just hope that I\u2019ll have time to live my live a lot more before I find her. I don\u2019t think that Pa needs to worry about grandchildren anyway.\u00a0 Something tells me that there\u2019ll be Cartwrights on The Ponderosa for many years to come \u2026. Joe will probably see to that even if Hoss or I don\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen the way girls look at him already and even though he\u2019s only twelve, I sense a heartbreaker in the making in that kid. Heaven help us all when he reaches puberty! That youngest brother of mine has too much charm for his own good.<\/span><\/p>\n

I need to stop now as it\u2019s getting late. Hopefully I\u2019ll be able to write more tomorrow\u2026\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The End<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Excerpts from Adam’s diary on the same day for fifteen years \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0K (17,825 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1005,23,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-cartwright","category-drama","category-prequels","wpcat-1005-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1491,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12147,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12147","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":0},"title":"He Said Not To Tell (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"May 1, 2003","format":false,"excerpt":"The author requests those who wish to read this series contact her via eMail: DLB1234@aol.com","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/1-joe.jpg?fit=238%2C226&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7589,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7589","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":1},"title":"Broken Bone (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A broken hand and an angry Adam, Hoss isn't having a very good day. Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0 524","rel":"","context":"In "Adam \/ Hoss"","block_context":{"text":"Adam \/ Hoss","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1090"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/Caption-1.png?fit=665%2C473&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/Caption-1.png?fit=665%2C473&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/Caption-1.png?fit=665%2C473&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":6617,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6617","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":2},"title":"August Moon (by Rider)","author":"Rider","date":"May 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Little Joe Cartwright celebrates his 21st birthday with his family on the Ponderosa Ranch. Rated:\u00a0K+ (830 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/B_TLCSJoe1-1-1.jpg?fit=395%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7633,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7633","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":3},"title":"Sweeter Than Pie (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A simple vignette about Little Joe, a girl, and a watchful big brother. Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0 624","rel":"","context":"In "Adam \/ Joe"","block_context":{"text":"Adam \/ Joe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1091"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/gooseberry-pie.jpg?fit=300%2C235&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7580,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7580","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":4},"title":"The Wheelchair (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0Years later Adam\u2019s wheelchair from \u201cThe Triangle\u201d comes out of the attic. Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0667 The Wheelchair Series, links to stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Bird.jpg?fit=323%2C450&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6200,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6200","url_meta":{"origin":2115,"position":5},"title":"What Do You Want in A Man (by Annie K Cowgirl)","author":"Annie K Cowgirl","date":"June 27, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A poem I wrote for the Man In Black's birthday. Rated:\u00a0K+ (260 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Poetry"","block_context":{"text":"Poetry","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=9"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Adam-Stories.jpg?fit=637%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Adam-Stories.jpg?fit=637%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Adam-Stories.jpg?fit=637%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2115"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2115\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}