{"id":2298,"date":"2007-03-11T07:16:29","date_gmt":"2007-03-11T11:16:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2298"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:11:35","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:11:35","slug":"waiting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2298","title":{"rendered":"Waiting (by Dodo)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/span>Joe’s thoughts as he waits to die<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span> K+\u00a0 Word Count:\u00a0 10663<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Waiting<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I can feel a soothing and cooling breeze as it rushes across my face. The window must be open in my bedroom, but I don\u2019t open my eyes. I can\u2019t. I have no strength in me to attempt such a menial task.<\/em><\/p>\n

I know instinctively I’m in my own bed for I can feel the familiar bumps and indentations that I’ve grown used to over the years. Pa had been more than willing to buy a new one but although grateful of the offer I had declined, for its familiar feel meant my body instantly succumbed to uninterrupted sleep when lying on the well defined contours of the old mattress and I was loath to change it.<\/em><\/p>\n

With my eyes closed I find my sense of hearing is suddenly keener. I can hear the familiar sounds from the outside, usually all intermingled, but this time they seem to each have their own place in my mind\u2019s eye. <\/em><\/p>\n

There\u2019s the bawling of hundreds of cattle in the distance, awaiting their journey to the railhead; the muffled cries of the drovers as they chase after rogue steers that try to escape from the milling herd. Horses are neighing too with anticipation at the long trek that is imminent and had circumstances been different I would have been there now, supervising and getting ready to leave tomorrow on our yearly journey. <\/em><\/p>\n

Birds are singing as they nest in the surrounding trees, a dog barks in the distance. The wind is blowing gently, and I can hear the swish of the curtains as they flap against the wall and window pane. I hear everything but see nothing as I lie here, unmoving, in constant pain yet silent. <\/em><\/p>\n

I think it\u2019s still Tuesday. I\u2019m really not sure. Was it only this morning I left early to go to Virginia City? I feel momentarily confused. Why do I lie here, unable to move, eyes closed and alone? <\/em><\/p>\n

I know I’m alone. <\/em><\/p>\n

Minutes before I heard my Pa and Doc Martin talking in softened tones. Even though I was unable to watch the expression on their faces, I knew something was wrong. \u00a0Pa\u2019s voice was quiet but filled with a sadness I had never heard before. The Doc sounded resigned and apologetic.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe looks so pale Paul. You did well to operate so quickly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry Ben. I\u2019ve done my best. He\u2019s just lost too much blood.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Poor Doctor Martin. Over the years he’s treated me on many occasions and always I seemed to pull through with his help, and in a way it has made me feel invincible. But as I listened to him I knew this time was different. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure there\u2019s nothing else Paul, nothing else you can do for him?\u201d Pa asked in a muffled tone. <\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Pa. I could hear his voice, almost pleading for a miracle, as he whispered with the Doc.<\/em><\/p>\n

But with the silence that followed, and the sound of a sob from Pa, I can only assume Doctor Martin had shaken his head. This time there was no reprieve.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I then felt the strong yet trembling hand of my father as he stroked my hair, and I\u2019m sure I felt a tear on my face as he bent over to kiss my forehead.<\/em><\/p>\n

I wanted to open my eyes, gaze at Pa with a smile on my face and say \u2018I\u2019m fine\u2019, just as I’d done countless times so I could take away the pain I knew he would be feeling in his heart. But I couldn\u2019t. My eyelids are heavy and I\u2019m just too weak. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Then<\/em> I heard the door quietly close and the sound of slow footsteps echoing down the stairs. I was alone again and waiting. Waiting to die. <\/em><\/p>\n

I want to sleep, retreat into the painless world of darkness, but force myself to keep listening for every sound. For I have a fear if I do give way to that blessed haven of peace and tranquillity I will never return.<\/em><\/p>\n

They will be downstairs, Pa, Adam and Hoss, with the Doctor, not knowing what to do. Sat silent, numb and shocked, and unable to come to terms with what has happened, they will be together, but each alone with their own thoughts. Waiting. <\/em><\/p>\n

Adam. Poor Adam. I wish we hadn\u2019t had that row last night. I’d left early this morning to get to the bank before he had risen. No way we could now make amends, say our peace. It will haunt him, remembering our last words together and I feel a genuine regret and sorrow. <\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss. He will be inconsolable. Such a big man, yet so gentle. Our bond goes deep, forged out of mutual respect and a genuine love. He has always been my closest friend, my dear brother. <\/em><\/p>\n

Pa will be sat in his chair, staring at nothing, holding a cup of coffee which will go cold before he realises it is in his hands. I so want to tell him, just once more, how much I love him, and I hope and pray he doesn\u2019t bury his heart when he buries me.<\/em><\/p>\n

I know I’m weak as I have no strength to even brush away a bluebottle that has been buzzing around my body and has now settled on my chest. I can hear it, feel it, hate the thought of it on me, but am unable to make the slightest of movements that would send it away. It must have been attracted by the vile aroma of fresh, dried congealed blood that I know seeped through the bandages around my body. I too can smell it. It is the smell of a corpse. <\/em><\/p>\n

How I hate flies! Hate the way they congregate around death and decay. I have seen thousands hovering around the body of a drowned steer washed up on a river bed, a half-eaten jack rabbit, a man. Of yes, I have seen men, their bones bleached by the sun and their innards covered with a mass of buzzing bluebottles and maggots. It always made my skin crawl and my stomach retch at the sight. <\/em><\/p>\n

I hear it and then there is silence for a second until the fly moves about again; the buzzing seeming to get louder as it flies around my head. I can almost feel it on my lips as it passes by before it finally settles on my shoulder. I want to swipe it away, but there is no strength in my arms. But at least for a few minutes it provides me with a welcome diversion from the pain I feel in my chest, my stomach and my shoulder. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Again it flies, buzzing, then all is quiet. It has gone for now. As yet there is no where for it to bury its eggs and thus create a new dynasty. It probably waits, hiding in some hidden recess of my bedroom, waiting for death to overcome me. <\/em><\/p>\n

I always thought we\u2019d grow old together, Adam, Hoss and me. Not now. I’m waiting to die, but not wanting to die and I refuse to give in that easily to the spectre of death that beckons me to follow. Maybe it will only come calling when I\u2019m alone, so I scream out. Someone! Anyone! Please, stay with me, talk to me, just tell me I\u2019m going to be alright! <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

My scream echoes around my ears, but no one else hears. The sound is only in my head \u2013 my room remains silent.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I must keep alert, keep thinking. I must try and remember what happened to me. I need to re-live my last day as I lie here, waiting to die.<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Conversation around the dining table the previous evening had been mainly about the imminent cattle drive to the railhead, due to begin in a couple of days. Joe outlined his plans to his family with the exception of Hoss who was visiting their silver mine and would be late returning.<\/p>\n

The annual drive was a long and arduous journey which took weeks to prepare and a month to complete. Ben was slowly recovering from a bad bout of influenza which had left him weak, so with negotiations for a new timber contract due to be started within the next few days, it was decided Adam would stay behind with Ben to help with the negotiations. Hoss meanwhile was needed up at the mine to supervise a new seam that was to be opened in the near future leaving Joe to go on the cattle drive as trail herd boss.<\/p>\n

It was the first time he would be solely in charge and feeling a little daunted at the prospect, had sought the experienced help of their ranch foreman, Jack Stowe. Working together they had secured enough men, horses, chuck wagons and food for the long trip.<\/p>\n

He had also managed to plan a new route after talking to an old Indian friend of the Cartwrights in Carson City weeks before.\u00a0\u00a0 Hearing the drive would be the young man\u2019s first time as trail boss, the wise and kindly old Indian had told Joe of an ancient Indian trail which had hardly been used for decades and forgotten by most that it existed.<\/p>\n

Joe then mulled over the route for weeks, convinced that if he took the slightly different direction they would cut out a couple of days travelling and many miles of hard terrain. In fact, so convinced that it was a viable option, he had checked it out by wiring a couple of friends in towns along the way. They had agreed with his choice of route. Without the heavy rains that year, the old Indian trail was dry and firm, an ideal track for the large herd of cattle.<\/p>\n

If the journey was shortened the cattle would arrive at the railhead in a more refreshed state, and the buyers would be more than willing to pay top dollar for premium beef in good condition. The tight profit margins worked out by Adam at the beginning of the year would therefore be increased, netting the Cartwrights an extra couple of thousand dollars. No mean achievement for the youngest son in charge for the first time.<\/p>\n

At dinner, Joe had been informing Ben and Adam of his decision to re-route part of the drive. Adam had disagreed immediately, not waiting to give Joe a chance to explain why he came to change the direction used for countless years. He just told Joe, in his usual \u2018I know everything\u2019 tone, to stick to the tried and tested route.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Joe had bristled at the sound of his brother\u2019s voice and like a bull to a red rag charged in. \u00a0\u201cI just know we can take this route safely Adam. Seeing as I will be in charge this year, I think I can be allowed to make some decisions on my own!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo need to be foolish Joe! Why risk changing the route? What you trying to prove?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not trying to prove anything! I just know it can be done faster. Don\u2019t take me for a fool Adam. You just don\u2019t want me to do something on my own!\u201d Joe stated, more loudly than intended.<\/p>\n

Ben had looked up, suddenly made aware of the tension between his youngest and oldest sons.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoys! That\u2019s enough,\u201d he told them as Adam and Joe glared at each other across the table.<\/p>\n

Putting Joe in charge had not been a difficult decision for Ben. Joe had matured beyond measure over the past year, but even he wondered at his son\u2019s tactics. However, every decision about the drive had been made by Joe and him alone, and there was no way Ben was going to interfere, especially at this late stage.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam. Joe is in charge and I’m sure he knows what he is doing,\u201d he said, then noticing a quick look of triumph that flashed on Joe\u2019s face turned his attention towards him. \u201cAnd as for you young man. Adam has been in charge of cattle drives many more times than you. I think he deserves a little credit for the experience he has gained over the years, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIts alright,\u201d sighed Adam, \u201cIf Joe’s willing to risk the whole herd on some fool idea that he knows something better than us, then so be it. I wash my hands of him and his hair brained schemes! I just hope you know what you\u2019re doing Pa, leaving him in charge!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe glared across at his brother, unwilling to share with him his hidden knowledge of the Indian trail. Why should he? If Adam wasn\u2019t willing to trust his decisions, then so be it.<\/p>\n

Still glaring Joe stood up, his meal finished. \u00a0\u201cIf you don\u2019t mind I think I\u2019ll turn in Pa. Need to get to the bank early to collect the wages for the drovers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked at Joe, incredulity showing in his face.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re paying the men before they set off? That\u2019s just going to lead to a whole lot of trouble! Some of them are bound to desert before the job is done! I can\u2019t believe you could be so stupid Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s forehead creased with frustration. He banged his fist on the table.<\/p>\n

Ben positively shook, startled at the magnitude of Joe\u2019s anger, but said nothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn it Adam! Do you have to disagree with everything I do? I decided to pay out half a month\u2019s wages only to the wives of the married men!\u201d Joe yelled, his green eyes flashing with fury. \u201cIn that way the women and children don\u2019t have to worry about their husbands and fathers drinking away all their wages in the first saloon they come to once the drive is finished! Is that such a bad idea?\u201d<\/p>\n

Throwing down his napkin Joe disappeared up the stairs.<\/p>\n

Ben closed his eyes and shook his head. Joe’s plan made sense, and he was secretly pleased he’d thought of the dozen women and countless children, left for a month to cope alone without their men folk. But once Joe\u2019s temper was up there was no calming him. A good nights rest would be best for them all he concluded.<\/p>\n

Adam looked at Ben sheepishly. \u201cDidn\u2019t realise that Pa. Guess I did misjudge Joe\u2019s judgement after all. Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo point saying sorry to me son. It\u2019s your brother who needs to hear your apology.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know Pa. But I still think he\u2019s wrong about changing the route of the drive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam made to stand up, but his father put out his hand and gave a shrewd smile. \u201cLeave Joe till tomorrow Adam. Knowing your brother once he\u2019s cooled down he’ll be more receptive to anything you say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded, reseating himself on the chair.<\/p>\n

The front door opened and closed as Hoss entered. Taking off his hat and removing his gun-belt, he made for the table.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSure hope there’s plenty dinner left,\u201d he said as he sat down, totally oblivious to the two pair of eyes that stared at him.<\/p>\n

Ben looked at his son. \u201cAnd good evening to you too Hoss!\u201d he said with a slight degree of sarcasm as the big man settled in his chair and surveyed the food left on the table.<\/p>\n

Hoss looked over, realising what he had said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh! Sorry Pa. Evening. Evening Adam. Guess my empty stomach got the better of me and my manners,\u201d he said half apologetically as he began to scoop potatoes and fried chicken onto his plate.<\/p>\n

He looked over at the empty seat. \u201cWhere\u2019s Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sighing, Ben nodded upstairs. \u201cAfraid he and your older brother here had a few choice words. He\u2019s gone to bed, hopefully to cool off,\u201d replied Ben as he poured himself a cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the argument been about this time then?\u201d Hoss sighed in a resigned voice. Over the past few weeks he had noticed subtle changes in his brothers attitude to each other, and had been expecting something like this to happen.<\/p>\n

Adam rolled his eyes as he sank back in his chair. \u201cYou know Joe! Never ready to accept criticism once his mind is made up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEh?\u201d asked Hoss, his mouth now full of the food he had been so looking forward to.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe has a fool idea of not sticking to the route we have always taken on the drive. No need to take a chance at losing the cattle all for the sake of his wanting to prove something to me!\u201d said Adam, his voice full of scepticism.<\/p>\n

For a minute Hoss chewed his food thoughtfully, then replaced his fork on his plate. \u201cI take it Joe didn\u2019t tell you then Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat he was told of an Indian trail by old Running Cloud when he was in Carson last month. Had checked it out with Mike Jones in Dry Hollow and Ted Hughes in Placerville. Both towns on the route of the drive, and near to the Indian trail. They both took a look and had said it was definitely driveable and would take about 50 miles off the journey.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was a moment of stunned silence. \u201cHe certainly kept that close to his chest,\u201d said Ben, surprised at Joe\u2019s initiative. \u201cFifty miles less would make a lot of difference to the condition of those cattle.\u201d<\/p>\n

A look of surprised astonishment filled Adam\u2019s face as Hoss continued to look his brother directly in the eye. He lifted up his fork and pointed it towards him. \u201cYou know Adam, sometimes you just assume our little brother does things on the spur of the moment. If you only listened and asked him, you would see just how well organised he is sometimes! He\u2019s worked out we could make a $2000 profit by taking this new trail. What do you think of that then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had no idea Hoss. Why didn\u2019t he tell me?\u201d asked Adam as he shook his head, hardly believing what he had heard.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess he\u2019s just tired of waitin’ for you Adam,\u201d replied Hoss, unhappy at his elder brother\u2019s attitude towards their younger sibling.<\/p>\n

\u201cWaiting? Waiting for what?\u201d enquired Adam, feeling truly confused.<\/p>\n

\u201cWaitin’ for you to accept he is an adult and able to do a good job when asked. When was the last time you actually said, \u2018well done Joe\u2019? For heavens sake Adam, he\u2019s nearly 21 years old, yet you seem to continually treat him like he’s still twelve!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben watched his middle son in silence, and inwardly smiled at the reprimand given by the biggest to the oldest. He had been aware of an underlying tension over the past weeks but had said nothing, hoping Adam and Joe could work out their differences on their own. Hoss had obviously sensed the same thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been watchin’ the pair of you ever since Joe was made trail boss. I\u2019ve seen Joe look at you, hoping you\u2019ll acknowledge his hard work, give him a slap on the back. But no! Every decision he made has been followed by either sarcasm or criticism from you. I\u2019ve seen him bite his tongue on more than one occasion, something he would never of done only a year ago. Then he would have probably decked you one. And to be honest Adam, I wouldn\u2019t have blamed him if he had.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat stone-faced, feeling like a small schoolboy being reprimanded by his teacher.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what your trouble is Adam?\u201d said Hoss, as he picked up a piece of bread.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Hoss. But I have an idea you are about to tell me,\u201d he said, not used to his big brother talking to him in such an abrupt manner.<\/p>\n

Hoss pointed his fork again in Adam\u2019s direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cI reckon you think, \u2018cause you were the first born, you got the lion\u2019s share of all the brains in this family. Well, I must admit I\u2019m not the brightest of men, so maybe most of them passed me by, but from where I\u2019ve been standin’, well, I can see our little brother can be just as, and even more smarter than you sometimes!\u201d<\/p>\n

Taking a bite from the bread in his hand, Hoss swallowed it down with a glass of water, then looked back at his brother, who had sat in silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe and Jack have planned this drive down to the smallest detail, and a darn site smoother than any you ever have, plus he is also going to make us a tidy profit! With that in mind I reckon you need to get off your high horse and eat a whole lot of humble pie for our little brother tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sat thoughtful as Hoss began to devour the large pile of food he had placed on his plate. Everything he\u2019d said was true. He had been ever critical, always finding fault. Joe had done a good job and he knew it so why couldn\u2019t he acknowledge that fact, face to face with his little brother? Why? It suddenly occurred to Adam the reason. To admit Joe could now cope on his own was to admit his role as the ever knowing elder brother was over, and it was a role he had been reluctant to relinquish.<\/p>\n

It had taken the wise words of his big brother to make him see just what a fool he had been. \u201cI don\u2019t reckon Joe is the only smart brother I have Hoss,\u201d Adam said good naturedly.<\/p>\n

Hoss looked up at his brother, saw the smile on his face and returned it with a toothy grin. \u201cJust make sure you sort it out with Joe before the drive,\u201d he answered, then returned all his attention to his meal.<\/p>\n

If there was one thing that you could say about Adam Cartwright, it was he was a man who would admit when he was wrong. His brother Hoss\u2019 words churned around his head. Tomorrow he must apologise to Joe. He could almost see the sanctimonious grin on Joe\u2019s face but nevertheless, he needed to say sorry. Taking a deep breath, he poured himself another cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

While Hoss continued to eat his meal, Ben inwardly chuckled. Hoss was never a man who said a lot of fancy words, but his little speech to Adam was a gem, he thought. Adam would be doing a load of grovelling tomorrow, and Ben was looking forward to watching it happen.<\/p>\n

**<\/p>\n

Joe Cartwright could not help himself from yawning. He was up early, too early in his opinion, and found himself riding towards Virginia City before the rest of his family had made it downstairs for breakfast. He wanted to make an early start by collecting the money from the bank, then he had to check all the provisions, make sure everything was in order. He did not want to make any mistakes. Everything running smoothly on this cattle drive depended on him and he was in no mood to let his family, or himself down.<\/p>\n

With a gentle canter, he and Cochise made their way along the all too familiar road, and he had time to think about last night. With a shake of his head, he thought about his brother Adam. Last night they had argued, quite bitterly, and for the life of him, Joe could not remember how it had started, just how it had finished!<\/p>\n

It seemed to Joe, every time he tried to stand up on his own, do something by himself, Adam would be there, ready to interfere. It was as if Adam couldn\u2019t bear the thought that he had outgrown the need for an elder brother to continually seek guidance, request help. He just didn\u2019t want Joe to become a man who could stand on his own two feet. Although Hoss treated him as an equal, Adam always seemed to look down on him as just the kid brother who continually needed supervision.<\/p>\n

Over the past weeks, during the build up to the drive, there had been many instances when he had come close to coming to blows with Adam. On more than one occasion when he had stood eye to eye with his brother, his temper rising, he had started to say something, but had just bit his lip instead and stayed silent.<\/p>\n

However, last night had been the last straw, and he had been unable to hold his tongue. He remembered his father\u2019s startled face as he had banged his fists on the table, and felt a pang of regret. He knew the one thing that hurt his father the most was to see open hostilities between his three sons. Maybe he should just apologise to Adam, try to make the first move. That would show every one just how mature he was becoming.<\/p>\n

Thinking what he should do to make amends, and his mind far far away, Joe was totally unprepared for what happened next.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, riding his horse at break neck speed, appeared a man, gun in hand. He looked behind him at the cloud of dust that indicated the six man posse following him was getting closer and did not notice the young Cartwright in front of him on the road.<\/p>\n

Shaken from his reverie, a surprised and startled Joe saw the man\u2019s horse was on a collision course with Cochise, and Joe instinctively pulled him to a stop and swung around to the road edge out of harms way. Equally surprised at seeing Joe, and in an attempt to clear the obstacle he perceived was blocking his way to freedom, the gunman extended his arm and aimed his gun. Without hesitation he coldly and deliberately shot Joe, hitting him in the shoulder.<\/p>\n

Yelling out in pain, Joe clung onto the prancing Cochise, clutching at his shoulder in bewildered astonishment. Two more shots followed, each finding their mark. One in Joe\u2019s chest, and as he fell backwards, another went into his stomach. He hit the ground hard, his assailant moving on past him. It was all over in seconds, and Joe lay unmoving on the ground, his shirt turning deep red.<\/p>\n

Then the gunman\u2019s luck ran out. His horse lost its footing, fell heavily, sending the gunman sprawling onto the floor, his horse rolling onto him, killing its rider instantly.<\/p>\n

Still shocked by the daring early morning bank raid by the lone gunman, the posse pulled up to view the scene before them. The drifter, who had killed an innocent bystander in his vain attempt to make easy money by robbing the bank, lay dead in front of them.<\/p>\n

With the all too familiar pinto standing forlornly by the roads edge, the six men knew its rider who lay unmoving on the road. The sight of the cold blooded shooting of their friend, Joe Cartwright, stunned and paralysed them.<\/p>\n

Sheriff Roy Coffee dismounted and rushed over, dreading to turn over the young man, willing him to be alive, but fearing the worst. Blood covered Joe\u2019s shirt, and Roy felt his pulse. It was there, weak, but still there. Shouting out orders to his deputies, he sent one man to town to bring Doc Martin to the Ponderosa, and another to collect a wagon to transport the gravely injured Joe back to the ranch.<\/p>\n

Grabbing any available cloth that came to hand from the men who stood around, Roy tore open Joe\u2019s shirt, pressing down on each wound in a vain attempt to stem the seemingly never ending flow of blood.<\/p>\n

But where to start? One bullet was enough to kill most men, but three!<\/p>\n

With tears in his eyes Roy continued to press down on Joe\u2019s bloodied chest, the cloths soon deep red and sodden. How long he had to wait for the wagon he could not guess. All he knew was his dear friend, Ben Cartwright, would soon be grieving the loss of his youngest son.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

It is hard to judge how long I\u2019ve been here by myself since Pa left with the Doc. Now I remember what happened, but I still don\u2019t know why? Why me? I guess you could say I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it\u2019s a cruel joke that the goddess of destiny has played on me today.<\/em><\/p>\n

The journey back in the wagon was a nightmare of pain as I floated in and out of consciousness. I can vaguely remember being carried up to my room by the strong, secure and loving hands of Hoss. I couldn\u2019t open my eyes, but knew he was crying as I felt his chest rising and falling, and could hear his sobs. <\/em><\/p>\n

There seemed to be chaos everywhere. Much yelling, orders being given, doors shutting.<\/em><\/p>\n

My Pa was holding my hand while Adam gently removed my blood covered shirt. I heard Pa cry as Adam gently bathed the blood from my body, and pressed clean towels into the three blood filled holes. The pain was excruciating, but I could only moan. How I wanted to scream away the agony, but I just hadn\u2019t the strength. <\/em><\/p>\n

The Doc arrived, was ushered up to my room, and I heard him gasp as he caught sight of my injuries. \u201cBen, this is bad, very bad.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa gently wiped beads of sweat from my face.<\/em><\/p>\n

I could feel Doc’s hands, probing each wound, assessing the damage, no doubt wondering where to start.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll have to operate here and now Ben,\u201d I heard him say, but by the sound of his voice I could tell the Doc did not hold out much hope. \u201cYou\u2019ll have to help me with the anaesthetic.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss sounded as if they were stood by the door as the Doc asked for a pan of boiling water and clean cloths, and then their footsteps quickly disappeared downstairs.<\/em><\/p>\n

I heard Doc walk to my dresser and open his bag. There was an odour that I couldn\u2019t place for a moment. I felt the strong hands of my father as he held a cloth over my nose.<\/em><\/p>\n

I could sense the Doc by my side. \u201cJust a drop Ben, then another in 10 seconds,\u201d he said, as I suddenly placed the smell. Ether.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHe’ll soon be under Ben.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

The Doc was right, for all my pain and agony suddenly disappeared down a darkening tunnel and before I realised I’d slipped away into unconsciousness.<\/em><\/p>\n

**<\/em><\/p>\n

I can now feel bandages tight on my body. Doc Martin must have worked hard, taking out three bullets in such a short time. I wonder what he was thinking as he first dug deep, knowing he would have to repeat the process again and again. <\/em><\/p>\n

He has worked his skill well, but I feel so very weary, so incredibly tired. My body that had radiated so much heat now feels cold and clammy. I want to sleep, to end this. I see nothing and hear no one. I am alone and very afraid. Slowly, oh so slowly I can feel myself succumbing to the call of death. <\/em><\/p>\n

Suddenly I hear a noise, footsteps again on the stairs. The sound shakes off the grim reapers hand from my body once more. Not yet! I shout, though no one hears. I will not die yet! <\/em><\/p>\n

I never had trouble before guessing who walked up the stairs. Hoss\u2019 steps were slow and heavy, Adam\u2019s light and quick, and Pa\u2019s were just steady and even. But today it is hard to distinguish one from another. There is no haste, just the slow laboured sound of a man who seems to drag his legs up the stairs and stops momentarily at the door, unwilling to open it for fear of what they might find inside. <\/em><\/p>\n

Someone opens the door and enters, quietly sliding a chair over to the bed, and I can hear him sit down. My eyes refuse to open, and my body still lies motionless. I can feel a hand take mine, gently stroking my fingers, and I lie there, waiting to hear who my companion is. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe!\u201d the sighing voice says, full of despair. <\/em><\/p>\n

Now I know. The mystery is solved. It’s Adam!<\/em><\/p>\n

I can hear him quietly weeping as he gently caresses my hand. I can sense him wiping away tears on his sleeve, and I feel a damp cloth on my cool skin as he gently wipes away the dried blood that has splattered onto my face and shoulders. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry Joe,\u201d I hear him say in a whisper. \u201cSo sorry little brother. I\u2019m such a fool, a stupid pompous fool. I’m so very proud of you, always have been. Forgive me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Again he sobs, but I can do nothing to take away his misery. If only I could open my eyes and smile. Then he would know. Know I bear no grudge, forgive him anything. Everything! He is truly proud of me and I want him to know I have always loved him. My dear elder brother!<\/em><\/p>\n

My breathing is slow and shallow, but Adam is here with me, and I feel strangely comforted. Talk to me Adam, I shout out as he sits by my side, my voice silent, except in my head. Talk and I can stay with you, I won\u2019t give up, I won\u2019t leave.<\/em><\/p>\n

Then he speaks, softly, barely audible, his heart torn apart.<\/em>\u00a0 \u201cHeaven knows you\u2019re stubborn, too stubborn to die, so I\u2019m not giving up on you Joe. I won\u2019t leave you. Death isn\u2019t taking you while I\u2019m here. I promise.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He takes my hand and holds it between his, lifting it up to his face. I feel his tears fall and they wet my hand. All is quiet as he sits by my bedside, and I am content to be in his company, just the two of us.<\/em><\/p>\n

I was scared, but not now. My eldest brother sits by my side and I\u2019m suddenly not afraid any more. I only wish I could let him know. <\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

When Adam had first entered the room and saw Joe\u2019s pale pallor, the sunken eyes, the dark circles under them, he was distraught. Sitting by the bed, feeling Joe\u2019s forehead, he was pained to find it so much colder \u2013 such a difference in a short time and had moaned out his brother\u2019s name in despair.<\/p>\n

He took a damp cloth from the dresser and whispered his name once more as he wiped away the red splashes of blood that made such a contrast on the pale, insipid skin. He stared at Joe, willing him to make a movement, acknowledge his presence. But there was nothing. No crying out in pain, no mumbling of feverish dreams, no deep green eyes to stare into his own. Just silence.<\/p>\n

He sat, minute following minute, just holding Joe\u2019s hand, once so strong, now lying limp within his own, and staring at his face. How he regretted the disagreements, the harsh words, the bitter exchanges. They seemed so petty, so insignificant now. What he wouldn\u2019t give to see that beaming smile, hear that infectious laugh just once more.<\/p>\n

He was so focused on Joe\u2019s pale face he didn\u2019t hear the door open as Hoss entered, out of breath. \u201cHow is he Adam?\u201d he asked, concern flooding his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe feels colder somehow, and much paler. His breathing is\u2026. slower,” Adam answered solemnly, a lump forming in his throat. Both men knew the implications. Their little brother was slowly losing the battle to live.<\/p>\n

Standing for a moment, staring at Joe, Hoss took a deep breath as his eyes moistened. He had purposely stayed downstairs, happy to leave Adam to sit with Joe for a while. Watching his little brother, so near to death, was just too much to bear. He was close to breaking-down and he knew it, but he had to force himself to keep going, for his father\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tearing his eyes from Joe, Hoss signed heavily.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve got to come downstairs Adam. Doc needs to talk to us. Says it\u2019s pretty urgent.\u201d Hoss’ voice wavered slightly as he struggled to contain his emotions.<\/p>\n

Adam just shook his head. \u201cI\u2019m not leaving him.\u201d He paused, taking a deep breath. \u201cI promised I\u2019d stay. I\u2019m not leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss walked over, giving him an affectionate pat on the shoulder. He knew how Adam was agonising over his last angry words with Joe. Knew it was tearing him apart inside, leaving him empty and broken.\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t ask you if it weren\u2019t urgent Adam. Please. Just for a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n

Looking up, Adam studied his brother; saw the reddened eyes, the concerned look. Both were aware of each others pain, knew what each was feeling, thinking. United in their grief, Adam nodded.\u00a0 \u201cOkay Hoss. Just for a minute,\u201d he agreed, gently replacing Joe\u2019s hand onto the bed cover.<\/p>\n

He stood up, taking another look. \u201cI\u2019ll be back soon Joe. Promise,\u201d he said, shaking his head as he reluctantly walked away from his brother\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

Leaving the room and closing the door behind them, footsteps echoed in unison as Adam and Hoss made their way downstairs.<\/p>\n

**<\/p>\n

Doctor Paul Martin was a good and competent doctor who during his time in Virginia City had treated many patients for numerous injuries. He was trusted and liked by all who knew him, especially the Cartwrights of the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Over the years he had been a familiar figure at the ranch, his expertise called upon on many occasions to treat gunshot wounds, broken bones, fevers. He knew the family well enough to realise the grave impact Joe\u2019s imminent death would have on them all.<\/p>\n

He was their family doctor, but more so a friend and it broke his heart to see Ben, Adam and Hoss as they sat together, unsure what to do next, what to say. Operating on Joe had been difficult, but successful, the three bullets removed and the wounds bandaged. But Paul knew in his heart he had been losing the battle long before he even started operating on Joe, for the injuries were severe and the blood loss far too substantial.<\/p>\n

Sitting together, the operation completed, there was a deafening silence only broken by the tick tock of the large clock that stood by the door as the sound of the minute hand echoed around the room, signalling time was running out. All four men grappled to understand just how a routine journey to Virginia City could end in so much bloodshed so quickly and without warning.<\/p>\n

Paul looked at his friends, and could see Ben was pale and shaking slightly as he sat back in his leather armchair. The realisation that he was about to lose his youngest son in such a violent manner, had left him in a state of shock.<\/p>\n

Hoss was sat on the settee, staring yet seeing nothing, as he fought hard to control himself from breaking down. He looked over at his father, and saw the look of utter desolation on his face. At this moment in time his father needed him to be strong, supportive and in control. There would be time enough for the flow of uninterrupted tears later.<\/p>\n

Adam stood by the fireplace banging his fist onto the hard stone in frustration. In his darkest hour Joe needed his eldest brother now more than ever, yet Adam was impotent, powerless to do anything. For once he had no answers and it was tearing him apart. \u2018I can\u2019t stand around here waiting. I need to be with him, see if he is still part of our lives,\u2019 he thought to himself.<\/p>\n

With a quick look towards his father, Adam nodded over to Paul.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to sit with Joe for a while,\u201d he told them in a quiet voice, his slow footsteps echoing in the quiet of the ranch house as he made his way upstairs.<\/p>\n

The three remaining men continued to sit in silence. Paul stared at his old friend, wishing and praying he could have done more. He shuddered to think how Ben would cope once Joe was gone. Although he loved his three sons with an equal vengeance there was a closeness that existed between Ben and Joe, a closeness that once ended would leave Ben a broken man. With a deep sigh Paul could see there soon would be long, dark days on the Ponderosa.<\/p>\n

Without realising what he was doing he cried out an expletive at the unfairness of life causing both Ben and Hoss to look over at him in surprise. \u201cSorry,\u201d he said apologetically. \u201cI couldn\u2019t stop myself. Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Giving him a forgiving and understanding nod, Ben retreated again into his personal nightmare.<\/p>\n

Minutes had past when Paul suddenly stood up, standing still for a minute, deep in thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething wrong Doc?\u201d Hoss asked, watching as Paul mulled over something within himself.<\/p>\n

Paul looked over and nodded, his voice now full of urgency. \u201cGo get Adam will you? I need to speak to you all together, and quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stood up, hesitating for a moment. \u201cWhat\u2019s this about Doc?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll explain when Adam is here. Please Hoss. Quickly,\u201d he replied, as Ben looked up, slightly confused by Paul\u2019s sudden commands.<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded then ran up the stairs.<\/p>\n

Paul walked over to Ben, standing by his side. He could see his friend looked slightly perplexed. \u201cGive me a minute Ben. Just wait for Adam and then I\u2019ll tell you what I am thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded though feeling slightly bewildered at Paul\u2019s sudden agitation.<\/p>\n

Paul stood looking outwardly calm, but he felt his heart beating loud in his chest. He began to sweat nervously; still not certain he was doing the right thing but knowing for the sake of this family he had to tell them, had to try. With his mouth dry, he continued to stand by Ben\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

There was the sound of feet walking on the landing as Adam and Hoss came into view, Adam leading Hoss as they walked down the stairs. Both looked at the Doctor, unsure what was going on.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d asked Adam, \u201cI don\u2019t want to leave Joe for long on his own. Not now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he Adam?\u201d Paul asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe feels cooler, and his breathing is slower, more laboured.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul nodded silently, privately assessing the state of his patient as he finally made up his mind.<\/p>\n

Adam could see the distraught look on Ben\u2019s face on hearing the news of Joe\u2019s worsening condition. He looked away quickly, not willing to intrude on his father\u2019s grief.<\/p>\n

Motioning the two brothers to sit on the settee, Paul stood in front of them, taking a deep breath. \u201cI won\u2019t mince my words. There just isn\u2019t time for that.\u201d He looked nervous, but continued, \u201cJoe will be dead before the end of the day!\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul saw the combined reaction of pain and misery on their faces. However, with heartache sometimes comes anger, and Adam stood up quickly, turning on the Doctor. \u201cIs that all you wanted to tell us Doc?\u201d he cried, his voice raised. \u201cBecause I could have saved you the trouble! We know what\u2019s going to happen to Joe, and we don\u2019t need you to tell us the damned obvious!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease Adam, sit down. I have more to tell you. Please, just listen,\u201d Paul said quickly, indicating with his hand for Adam to return to his seat.<\/p>\n

Though his eyes were filled with tears, Ben leaned over and taking hold of Adam\u2019s arm gently pulled him back down. Without another word, Adam sat down; his self control near to breaking point.<\/p>\n

As quiet descended again, Paul continued looking directly at Ben, who stared at him with distant eyes, feeling completely useless and frustrated.\u00a0 \u201cYou see Ben, Joe is so weak and his body hasn\u2019t the strength to make up the blood that he has lost. Pretty soon his organs are going to start shutting down. Once that starts, there is no stopping the process. Then we will lose him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul stopped for a moment, waiting for the three men to digest his words.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you getting at then?\u201d asked Hoss, his voice croaking with emotion.<\/p>\n

\u201cOver the past few years I have read in my medical journals of a procedure that was tried out just over twenty years ago in England. Since then from what I\u2019ve read there has been a limited number of successes and many failures.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sat up quickly, his curiosity aroused, shaking off the mantle of shock and focusing on the present.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat procedure?\u201d asked Adam, feeling totally exasperated.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2019s only chance is for him to have some blood from a donor, put into his veins, which in theory will keep the organs working until he regains enough strength for his body to start making up the loss on its own. It\u2019s been called a blood transfusion. Unfortunately, even this simple procedure has its dangers and risks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat risks Paul?\u201d asked Ben from his armchair, \u201cWhat dangers are involved?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIts been discovered not everyone has exactly the same sort of blood, Ben. Whoever the donor is they will have to have the exact same blood as Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if the blood ain\u2019t the same Doc?\u201d asked Hoss, nervously biting his lip.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen Joe\u2019s body would reject the new blood,\u201d he said, pausing before taking a deep breath, \u201cHe would be dead within the hour. But, without giving him this chance, he will die anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

No one moved, as though frozen in time, as the realisation of Paul\u2019s words hit them.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there any way we can find the right donor?\u201d asked Adam, as he slowly sat back on the settee, his insides churning and his head pounding.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is a test that has been devised, but it is only in the early stages of development. I have no idea how it\u2019s done. That\u2019s the risk we would have to take. All I can say is that there has been more success with immediate family members being the donor.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked at his two sons for a moment. \u201cWhat do you think boys? Should we try?\u201d he asked, his voice trembling slightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeems to me Pa, if there is a small chance that this would work, we should take it. We have nothing to lose. Joe has nothing to lose,\u201d replied Adam, as a small glimmer of hope ran through his body. Hoss nodded, agreeing with his brother, knowing they had to try, for Joe\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n

\u201cLets do it then Paul,\u201d Ben said; the decision now made. \u201cYou can use me as your donor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry Ben, but though you would be the safer bet, because of your recent influenza I can\u2019t risk you passing an infection to Joe. That would just defeat any chance we would have. No! It will have to be either Adam or Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

Without hesitation both brothers nodded. \u201cI\u2019ll do it.\u201d said Hoss and Adam at the same time.<\/p>\n

They smiled at each other, each aware of the others desire to help save their little brother. Adam put his hand on Hoss\u2019 shoulder, his voice trembling as his spoke. \u201cPlease Hoss,” he begged. \u201cLet me. I owe Joe and need to do this for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

With a reluctant sigh Hoss nodded his agreement, his clear blue eyes moist with the tears he was trying hard to hold back.<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore we start, what are the risks to Adam?\u201d asked the concerned voice of Ben as he felt his chest constrict with fear. Losing one son would be bad enough; he would not risk losing another.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom what I have read, there are no permanent after effects for the donor. Adam will feel slightly dizzy and a little sick for a while, but as long as he drinks plenty of liquids like sweetened tea, he will soon recover.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked over at his eldest son with relief; saw the determined look, the desire to give one last chance to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cVery well Paul. Seems Adam is ready, so what do we do now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul wiped the sweat from his forehead, and walked over to the table, picking up his bag and looking inside.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do my best Ben. Its something I have never done before and never thought I would ever do. I haven\u2019t even got time to make up the proper equipment, so I am going to have to improvise.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben could see the Doctor was nervous, unsure and even a little scared. Taking a deep breath he stood up. Walking over he took Paul\u2019s hand in his, clasping it firmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaul, I know this can\u2019t be easy for you. But, whatever happens, we thank you, Joe would thank you, for trying, for giving him the barest chance of life.”<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks Ben,\u201d said Paul, a faint smile appearing as the two friends stood for a moment. He then composed himself, shut his bag and began to walk towards Joe\u2019s bedroom, Hoss following close behind.<\/p>\n

As Ben and Adam walked towards the stairs, Ben could see Adam\u2019s face looked pensive even frightened. Instinctively he knew what troubled him. He took his son\u2019s arm and pulled him to a stop.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know Adam, if this doesn\u2019t work, I don\u2019t want you feeling guilty. You\u2019re giving Joe his one and only chance, and whatever the outcome, I know he would be grateful. I know I am son,\u201d he said, his eyes filled with sincerity. \u201cGrateful and proud.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks Pa,\u201d replied Adam, relieved at his father\u2019s words, but deep within himself still feeling a great weight of responsibility laying heavy on his shoulders as he and Ben made their way upstairs.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I heard the sound of regret in Adam\u2019s voice as he left my bedside. I wish he was still with me, but something must be important to call him downstairs. I feel so cold now. Why doesn\u2019t someone close the window? <\/em><\/p>\n

I hear voices downstairs, murmuring. Adam\u2019s voice suddenly shouts out, louder than the rest, but it is too far away for me to understand. What is happening? Why aren\u2019t you here with me when I need you?<\/em><\/p>\n

If only I could open my eyes, just once more, see their faces. Please return, quickly, before I leave. Pa, Adam, Hoss! Oh, how long does it take to die? This waiting seems interminable.<\/em><\/p>\n

Then I hear the sound of footsteps. Someone opens the door and moves to my dresser. Then another enters. More footsteps echo along the long landing and enter my room. \u2018What is going on?\u2019 I shout, as fear once again rips through my body, but no-one hears.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want us to do Doc?\u201d asks Hoss.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cFirst, Adam had better sit on this chair next to Joe,\u201d I hear the Doc say. I’m confused. <\/em><\/p>\n

I sense my brother sit by my side, and he momentarily strokes my arm and whispers. \u201cI\u2019m back now Joe. Hang on just a little while more little buddy.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The use of his childhood name of affection for me calms my insides.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, roll your sleeve up, and Hoss you tie a cloth around Adam\u2019s forearm, good and tight,\u201d instructed the Doc, as I hear him rummaging in his bag. <\/em><\/p>\n

There is suddenly the soothing feel of a hand as it gently strokes my hair. I can sense its Pa and am instantly relieved. He would never allow anyone or anything to harm me. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNow, you must breathe easy Adam, but keep as still as you can. This needle is going into your arm, and it might sting for a minute,\u201d instructed the Doc.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s alright Doc,\u201d I hear Adam reply, his voice slightly nervous, and I can\u2019t imagine what is going on.<\/em><\/p>\n

There is silence for a minute as I hear Adam give a slight murmur of pain. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow much blood you takin, Doc?\u201d I hear Hoss say. <\/em><\/p>\n

Blood? What do they mean blood? Haven’t they seen enough over the past hours?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJust enough for this syringe Hoss,\u201d replies Paul. \u201cHis body can take this much loss, don\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay Adam, that\u2019s enough. Just put a wet cloth where the needle comes out. It will stop bleeding in a minute or two,\u201d says the Doc as I hear him walk back to his bag on the dresser. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHere Adam, I\u2019ll do it,\u201d offers Hoss, and then I hear the splash of water and sense my big brother as he stands between me and Adam.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks Hoss,\u201d says Adam softly, and I hear Hoss return to stand by the door.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cRight, now its Joe\u2019s turn,\u201d says the Doc. There is a moment of silence as I sense they stare at each other. <\/em><\/p>\n

My Pa suddenly speaks in a hushed tone. \u201cIt\u2019s alright Paul. We\u2019ve come this far.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll just change the needle then,\u201d declares the Doc, and I feel Pa take a deep breath as he tightly holds my hand. <\/em><\/p>\n

Moments later I feel the quick stabbing sensation of a needle as it enters my arm. I shout out with pain, but no-one hears. There is silence in the room and I wonder what they are doing, what they are thinking as they watch me, my Pa at my side. He continues to stroke my hair, and he whispers \u2018I love you son\u2019 over and over again, without embarrassment in front of my brothers and the Doc. <\/em><\/p>\n

The needle is slowly withdrawn, a bandage covers my arm, and I can hear the Doc move away and begin to clear away his instruments. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do we do now Paul?\u201d asks Pa, his hand tightening around my cold fingers.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWe wait,\u201d says Paul with a deep sigh. \u201cJust wait.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I can hear Adam stand up but he slumps back down quickly causing the chair to scrape back on the wooden floorboards.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou okay Adam?\u201d asks Hoss, his voice full of concern as he rushes over.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPhew, the room seems to be spinning! When you said dizzy you weren\u2019t exaggerating were you Paul?\u201d Adam says weakly.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to remain sitting for a while Adam. It\u2019s a common reaction.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I hear the Doc pour a glass of water. \u201cHere Adam, drink this for now. Hoss, could you make your brother a cup of tea with sugar? That should help him recover quickly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSure Doc,\u201d says Hoss, and I hear his footsteps disappear downstairs. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure you\u2019re alright Adam?\u201d asks Pa, concerned, as he continues to sit by my side. \u201cYou certainly look a little pale.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

I guess Adam must have just nodded, as he doesn\u2019t answer, but I hear him as he swallows the water in one long gulp. <\/em><\/p>\n

I vaguely hear Hoss return, passing over the requested liquid to Adam. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018Why?\u2019 I wonder. Adam hates tea! Hates sugar! Yet he drinks hot sweet tea! <\/em><\/p>\n

I can sense their presence as they sit in my room, not speaking, just sighing from time to time, and waiting. As the minutes pass I feel weary beyond belief. I want to stay with them, hear their voices, feel reassuring hands stroking my hair, wiping the sweat from my body, but I am exhausted. I can\u2019t hold on any longer as I sink ever lower and feel as though I am falling, down and down, spinning round and round<\/em><\/p>\n

A distant memory of my Pa\u2019s voice reciting a favourite verse suddenly echoes around my head.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2018To everything there is a season\u2026<\/em>
\nA time to be born, and a time to die<\/em>
\nA time to weep and a time to laugh<\/em>
\nA time to mourn and a time to dance.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n

At least if this is my time to die, my family are with me, we are together and that\u2019s all that matters.<\/em><\/p>\n

In the quiet of the early evening I hear the sound of cattle in the distance, birds as they roost in the trees, the wind as it gently blows around the house. I hear everything but see nothing as I lie here, waiting. If this is death then I succumb without resistance as sleep gently washes over me, taking me away from the ones I love.<\/em><\/p>\n

**<\/em><\/p>\n

I can feel a soothing and cooling breeze as it rushes across my fac, and warm rays from the early morning sun stream through the window and onto my body. I know It\u2019s my room because I recognise the feel of my old mattress under me. <\/em><\/p>\n

The acute pain from yesterday has turned to just a dull ache, and I am still alive! I tentatively open my eyes hardly daring to believe it. Can it be only a day since I rode away from the ranch towards Virginia City? <\/em><\/p>\n

I’m not alone. Pa, Adam and Hoss are sat around the room, all asleep, exhaustion is etched on their faces. I slowly turn my head and look at Pa. His hand lies on my bed and I reach out gently taking it in mine. I squeeze it weakly and his eyes open, confusion showing for a second, until he sees me looking at him.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d he cries, tears forming in his eyes. \u201cSon.\u201d He shakes his head as though he cannot believe what he sees. <\/em><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss wake up, startled at Pa\u2019s voice. Concerned faces suddenly start smiling as they both stand by the bed, beaming at me.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome back little brother,\u201d says Hoss, his eyes watering as he looks down at me. <\/em><\/p>\n

Adam doesn\u2019t need to say anything. The look on his face is a mixture of relief, joy, and happiness. I smile up at them both. I start to cough, but my throat is dry and tight and it hurts.<\/em><\/p>\n

Instinctively, Adam turns to the dresser and returns with a glass of water. He offers it to me and holds up my head as I greedily sip the cool liquid. Smiling gratefully at my brother, I lie back on the pillow and look across again at my father. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you feel son?\u201d he asks, lovingly holding my hand as he gazes at me, concern still flooding his face.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI feel fine Pa,\u201d I lie, and he knows it. He gives a quiet laugh. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGood to hear it son.\u201d He knows me too well. \u201cDoc says your heart rate is much better, and your colour has certainly improved from yesterday!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

I close my eyes briefly and frown. Outside it is quiet. Too quiet! I look up at Adam. \u201cThe drive Adam? What\u2019s happened?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

“Everything’s fine Joe. Jack has taken charge and is following all your orders, including the new Indian trail. They left real early this morning.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

A look of relief must have flooded my face as my father gently reprimands me. \u201cDon\u2019t you go worrying yourself over that drive Joe. I want all your concentration on getting better, young man!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I give Pa a weak smile, and take a deep breath. \u201cI was pretty sick, wasn\u2019t I Pa?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes Joe. Pretty sick,\u201d he answers. \u201cBut the worst is over. Thanks to the Doc and Adam.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d I look at up at my elder brother who is grinning down at me.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSeems little brother we have a lot more in common than we ever thought we had,\u201d he says softly, a knowing smile spreading from his mouth to his deep brown eyes. <\/em><\/p>\n

I wonder what he means as he stares down at me, and then I suddenly recall the previous evening and the talk of blood, the feel of a needle in my arm. I smile, though not really understanding what happened, but somehow sensing he and I are now closer than ever before. <\/em><\/p>\n

I hear footsteps and then see Doc Martin stood in the doorway, cup of coffee in his hand. He smiles over at me. \u201cWell, seems my patient has decided to wake up at last,\u201d he says as he enters the room. Placing his cup on the dresser he comes over to me and feels my forehead. He silently nods then holds my wrist as he checks my pulse with his old reliable pocket watch. <\/em><\/p>\n

I look up at him, see his tired face and know I owe him my life. \u201cI\u2019m not going to die now, am I Doc?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

With a kindly look, he shakes his head. \u201cNo, not today Joe. Looks like you\u2019re going to be around for a fair while yet,\u201d he says. <\/em><\/p>\n

I wince slightly when he checks over my bandages. \u201cDo you have much pain Joe?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I nod reluctantly. No point in trying to fool him, not this time. \u201cYes. It hurts, but just a little.\u201d I try to convince myself as much as the Doctor. I fail.<\/em><\/p>\n

He gives me a firm and knowing look. \u201cI\u2019ll leave you some laudanum. That will help you to relax and recover. It\u2019s going to be a long haul Joe, but as long as you don\u2019t waste your energy trying to get out of bed before your ready, I think things are going to be just fine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Walking to his bag he takes out two bottles of painkillers and sets them down on the dresser. As he closes his bag he gives me a last look as if he can hardly believe I am still with them, then turns and moves towards the door.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI had better get back to town before the citizens of Virginia City send out a search party!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa gets up from his chair and walks over to him. \u201cHow can we ever thank you Paul?\u201d he says as he grabs his hand and shakes it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSeeing the look on your faces is thanks enough for me Ben,\u201d he answers as he smiles at Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cJust make sure Joe gets plenty of rest and nourishment. I\u2019ll be back in a couple of days to check him over. And you,\u201d he says from the doorway as he looks back at me, \u201care a very lucky young man. I hope you realise that.\u201d He looks towards Adam, nodding and smiling. \u201cA very lucky young man. I\u2019ll see myself out,\u201d he says as he waves his hand and disappears downstairs.<\/em><\/p>\n

Suddenly there is the sound of a blue-bottle and all eyes watch as it flies around the room before disappearing through the open window. I grin and give a chuckle.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the joke Joe?\u201d asks Hoss, obviously relieved to see my smile that has been so sadly missing.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, nothing Hoss. Just seems that old fly is tired of waiting,\u201d I answer. <\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam share a look and Adam raises an eyebrow. Maybe they think I am becoming delirious as they fail to see the joke. I will explain it, but not today.<\/em><\/p>\n

I yawn as my eyes begin to surrender to exhaustion. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI think Joe needs some more rest,\u201d says Pa as he walks back to my side. \u201cIt\u2019s been a long night and I for one could do with some breakfast.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

He<\/em> smiles down at me with love and relief in his eyes. \u201cI\u2019ll come back and sit with you in a little while son. You just get some sleep.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

I nod.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t realise I was quite so hungry till you mentioned breakfast Pa,\u201d says Hoss. \u201cSee you in a little while short-shanks,\u201d he smiles as he gently ruffles my hair then follows Pa out of the room.<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam affectionately squeezes my arm then moves towards the door. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d I call, as I try in vain to suppress another yawn.<\/em><\/p>\n

He returns to the bed, <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes Joe?\u201d he asks, his face darkening with concern. \u201cAre you hurting? Do you need some laudanum?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I don\u2019t need anything,\u201d I say as I look up at him. \u201cI just wanted to tell you I don\u2019t think you\u2019re a stupid pompous fool.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

He gazes down at me as my eyes grow heavy and I snuggle down into my bed, hiding a grin.<\/em><\/p>\n

A confused look crosses his face then realisation dawns. \u201cYou mean you heard me last night Joe?\u201d he asks, stunned.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes elder brother,\u201d I say, feeling a delicious wave of sleep about to creep over me. \u201cI heard everything last night, while I was waiting!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

The End<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 Joe’s thoughts as he waits to die<\/p>\n

Rated: K+\u00a0 Word Count:\u00a0 10663<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,41],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-2298","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2294,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3850,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3850","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":0},"title":"Aftermath! (by No1butJoe)","author":"No1butjoe","date":"April 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The aftermath of Joe being kidnapped. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K (1,665 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/War-Comes-to-Washoe11.jpg?fit=568%2C379&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/War-Comes-to-Washoe11.jpg?fit=568%2C379&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/War-Comes-to-Washoe11.jpg?fit=568%2C379&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2870,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2870","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":1},"title":"Trust (by frasrgrl)","author":"frasrgrl","date":"March 24, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 \u00a0After being injured, Joe questions his belief in trust and second chances. Word Count: \u00a0968\u00a0\u00a0Rated: K+","rel":"","context":"In "Chaps and Spurs"","block_context":{"text":"Chaps and Spurs","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=39"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Marie-My-Love.jpg?fit=400%2C266&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":152,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=152","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":2},"title":"Alone (by Cheaux)","author":"Cheaux","date":"June 2, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0 A moment in time in a special place. \u00a0 Rated K. \u00a0 \u00a0 (505 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/202.jpg?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/202.jpg?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/202.jpg?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/202.jpg?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13999,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13999","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":3},"title":"The Hand of Fate (by Susan G)","author":"SusanG","date":"December 12, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 The stage on which Joe is riding home is held up and robbed, sending Ben and Hoss on a mission to rescue Joe. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0\u00a0 (19,900 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/Fathers-Day.jpg?fit=300%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12168,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12168","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":4},"title":"If I’m Dreaming, Don’t Wake Me (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"February 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Ever have trouble deciding what is real and what is not? Rated: \u00a0G (2,000 words) If I'm Dreaming Series, links to all stories of this series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/1-joe.jpg?fit=238%2C226&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6585,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6585","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":5},"title":"Thanks, Brother! (by mamse5)","author":"mamse5","date":"December 6, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A little addition to the episode: \"Honor of Cochise\" We all know how Pa, Joe & Hoss feel about Adam being wounded, but what is Adam thinking after he's shot? This short story gives you a feel for Adam's perspective: \"Somehow, only God knows how, the kid manages to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2298","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2298"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2298\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2298"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2298"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2298"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}