{"id":2456,"date":"2011-09-22T21:16:07","date_gmt":"2011-09-23T01:16:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2456"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:25:11","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:25:11","slug":"the-destruction-of-joe-cartwright","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2456","title":{"rendered":"The Destruction of Joe Cartwright (by VCLS)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/b>A unspeakable tragedy threatens to break apart the close-knit Cartwright family.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated: \u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a014,500<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Story Notes:<\/strong> \u00a0A Summer 2011 Round Robin Challenge.\u00a0 BB Fanfic writers were invited to submit an opening chapter.\u00a0 Members voted on their favorite, with the top three forming the first link in their respective chain.\u00a0 Each chain consisted of seven authors who collaborated to complete the story over the summer.<\/span><\/p>\n

Participants in this chain were (in alphabetical order): \u00a0Bonzan, faust, frasrgrl, Freyakendra, idmarryhoss, Patina, Sklamb<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Destruction of Joe Cartwright\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

He was cold,<\/strong> and every inch of his body throbbed with unrelenting pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eighteen year old Joe Cartwright poked at the embers of his meager fire with a small branch. When he made camp for the night he didn\u2019t want to risk being spotted on the off chance that he was being followed, so he kept his fire small, no matter how cold he was.<\/span><\/p>\n

He had done everything he could to cover his tracks. When he left the house he took the road to Virginia City, but doubled back and headed in the opposite direction. When he crossed a stream, he would walk the horse either up or downstream before crossing. Joe headed for the hard, rocky ground of the hills, which would easily conceal his tracks making it even harder to follow. When he finally stopped for the night, he picked a spot that was almost completely surrounded by boulders. It not only created a natural wind break, but concealed his small fire.<\/span><\/p>\n

Knowing that he had to eat if he wanted to continue, Joe choked down some cold biscuits he had pilfered from Hop Sing\u2019s kitchen and chased them down with strong, black coffee; a far cry from the dinner that Hop Sing would have made that night.<\/span><\/p>\n

As much as he hated to, Joe left Cochise at home, knowing the horse would attract attention where ever he went, making it easy for him to be spotted\u2014and found. Instead, he took one of the non-descript horses from the corral, one that wouldn\u2019t be missed. The brown gelding would easily blend in with any other horse.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoping to gain more time, he made sure to emphasize how overly tired he was the night before, knowing that after the beating he had taken, Pa would allow him to sleep late, and with Cochise in his stall, no one would be the wiser\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0at least for a while.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was determined to disappear.\u00a0 Although he took his green jacket with him for the little warmth it provided, he planned on buying a new set of clothes in the next town.\u00a0 He would also find a barber and get that haircut his father had been demanding.<\/span><\/p>\n

Taking a deep breath, he moaned out loud when it felt like a thousand white hot pokers were being plunged into his side. Joe gingerly reached down and pulled his shirt up to inspect the bandage that was wrapped around his abdomen. A sigh of relief escaped him when he didn\u2019t see a single trace of blood on the linen that covered the knife wound in his side.<\/span><\/p>\n

At least Doc\u2019s stitches were holding<\/em>.\u00a0 He tried to adjust his position on the hard ground, trying to get more comfortable, but between the knife wound and the cracked ribs, comfort would be a long time in coming.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at the inky black sky that was filled with thousands of twinkling stars, and tried to contain his emotions.\u00a0 Exhausted from the pain of the multiple injuries he had suffered just days before; Joe pulled the blanket closer around him. A single tear slipped from the corner of his eye and made its solitary track down his cheek. Angrily, he swiped it away; he had promised himself that he was done crying over everything that had happened; Pa\u2019s angry words and the disappointment he felt towards Joe, his family\u2019s distance and disapproval\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0the loss of the life he had once known.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe let his mind wander back\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0back to the time when his life had started to unravel.<\/span><\/p>\n

To the time before the complete destruction of Joe Cartwright.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Had it been only one week ago? Had it taken only seven days to destroy a life?<\/span><\/p>\n

It had taken only one second. One single second. One second Joe wished he could just wipe out of his life. \u00a0One second.<\/span><\/p>\n

One damnable second.<\/span><\/p>\n

But unfortunately you can\u2019t wipe events out of your life, not even just second-long events.<\/span><\/p>\n

That fateful day had started harmless and peaceful, with a bright sunny sky that gave no indication of the tempest the afternoon would bring. Had Joe known what would mar this seemingly perfect day, he surely would not have jumped down the stairs like a little boy at playing Hopscotch, merrily whistling a melody he had heard Adam playing on his guitar the night before.<\/span><\/p>\n

But, of course, Joe had had no way of knowing what would happen and so he had jumped and whistled and been as good-tempered as his family had ever seen him\u2014not even Adam\u2019s mild teasing about sounding like an off-key tea kettle had done his good mood any harm.<\/span><\/p>\n

It had been over three weeks since Joe had last had the chance to go to town and see the judge\u2019s beautiful daughter Rosalind; and when the day before Adam had asked him if he\u00a0possibly<\/em>\u00a0might be willing to suspend breaking broncos in favor of going to town and buying supplies, Joe had nearly clasped him to his bosom. \u00a0Only the fact that Adam wasn\u2019t easily clasped to anyone\u2019s bosom, plus the circumstance that his older brother had carried a bucket full of cart grease and an already soaked brush in his hands, had held Joe back . . . oh, and that it would have hurt his dignity.\u00a0 Instead, he had graciously agreed to assist the \u201cold man\u201d with running his errands; not that anyone had believed his show of nonchalance\u2014but it was part of the game.<\/span><\/p>\n

No, there had been nothing that could have changed Joe\u2019s cheerfulness: not the fact that Hoss again had gotten the majority of the syrup-soaked flapjacks at breakfast; not Adam\u2019s unjust teasing about Joe\u2019s \u201cuncharacteristic eagerness and rapidity\u201d at hitching up the horses; not Pa\u2019s last minute admonitions to stay out of trouble in town when Joe already had been sitting on the front seat; not the broken harness that nearly had caused a potentially nasty accident only two miles before they\u2019d reached the town.<\/span><\/p>\n

It only added to Joe\u2019s happy buoyancy that Adam worked through his errands with his typical efficiency\u2014something Joe thought bordered on obsessive\u00a0<\/em>but Adam claimed to be the result of careful planning\u2014so that they were through with everything including a late lunch at the Bucket of Blood saloon early enough to give them some free time to spend on their own business before they had to go back home.<\/span><\/p>\n

To make things perfect, as they were leaving the saloon, Adam spotted Charlotte Brinkman, the new librarian, coming out of the Ladies’ Millinery Shop. He excused himself rather hastily and rushed across the street to meet the girl who, as Joe suspected, had a very good chance of becoming the next Mrs. Cartwright; that was, if Adam could manage to get past her four very protective brothers and convince her father that he was good enough for the mine-owner\u2019s precious shining star.\u00a0 Mr. Brinkman, shareholder of the Ophir Mine, and his family had moved to Virginia City only a few months before, but he surely would have heard about the Cartwright\u2019s by now, and about Adam. He would know that Adam was educated, much more sober-minded than his own hotheaded sons, and\u2014as an engineer\u2014a very suitable son-in-law.<\/span><\/p>\n

While musing about his chances to be Adam\u2019s best man at his wedding, Joe made it quickly to Judge Manville\u2019s office where Rosalind helped her father with the paperwork\u2014more to keep her entertained than that she actually was needed there.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rosalind was delighted to see Joe and happily agreed to join him for a stroll. The judge nodded his approval, and soon they were making their way down A Street, looking into the shop windows and into each other\u2019s eyes, talking about the barn dance next Saturday and the attempted bank robbery at the\u00a0First International<\/em>\u00a0last week.<\/span><\/p>\n

They stopped in front of Cass\u2019s Mercantile and inspected the laid out items, when Rosalind grabbed Joe\u2019s arm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, look!\u201d She pointed to a wooden box lined with purple velvet, containing a handsome hand gun and accessories\u2014a quick loader, caps, and repair tools. \u201cIsn\u2019t that . . . oh, it is!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe grinned. \u201cYep, that\u2019s a Colt Army, they have a civilian variant now, too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s beautiful; modest, but elegant.\u00a0 It would suit you well, Joe.\u201d Rosalind lowered her face and bit her lip until she couldn\u2019t hold back a smile anymore.\u00a0 Her head shot up and she practically beamed at him. \u201cJust think what you could do with it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it sure would lie comfortably in the hand . . . .\u201d\u00a0 He gazed at the weapon, then felt for his own gun. \u201cBarrel is a bit long, I don\u2019t know if the swirl would come off as good as with the old Colt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe! \u201d Rosalind clapped her hands in excitement. \u201cJoe, show me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, please, please, Joe,\u201d she pouted. \u00a0She had the prettiest pout he had ever seen, and he couldn\u2019t deny her anything when she pouted.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked left and right. There was no one on the street who would take offense, no one who would misinterpret what he was about to do. \u00a0He flashed Rosalind a confident grin and took his gun out of the holster.<\/span><\/p>\n

And then, he performed the trick he was famous for: \u00a0the swirl, the\u00a0tornado<\/em>,\u00a0<\/em>as his friend Mitch had once named it, the fast swivel of his gun, round and round his finger in the trigger guard. \u00a0It was fast, it was furious, and Rosalind was literally squealing in glee.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe swirled and spun the Colt, whirled and twirled, faster and faster, always faster, until Rosalind made a particularly delighted noise, and Joe looked up to receive his reward: her brilliant smile.\u00a0 Her brilliant smile that distracted him for a split second, a fragment of time, not even as long as the blink of an eye but long enough to disrupt the momentum, to disturb the perfect flow\u2014and the gun whirled out of his hand and down on the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

Later, much later, when he was able to think clearly again, Joe would reason that out of habit he must have pulled the hammer back when he took his gun out. There was no other explanation. \u00a0No Colt would ever release a shot because it had been dropped. \u00a0And yet, his weapon, when it hit the ground, fired a shot. \u00a0A wild shot, going astray, uncontrolled, without aim or purpose. \u00a0Just a wild shot.<\/span><\/p>\n

What were the odds that such a wild shot could hit someone?\u00a0 One in a hundred?\u00a0 One in a thousand?<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe would never forget Charlotte\u2019s cry. It sounded more surprised than pained, but maybe the pain didn\u2019t even make it into her awareness before she died.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe would also never forget Adam\u2019s terrified, \u201cNo!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He would never forget the look of blank despair in his brother\u2019s eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Black. \u00a0Adam always wore black. But on that day black looked blacker somehow. Maybe it was the fact that everyone else wore black, or the way Adam\u2019s eyes almost looked black. \u00a0Joe would never be certain.<\/span><\/p>\n

As the Cartwrights drew closer to the cemetery, the river of black opened for them to pass through. \u00a0Whispers ran like a wildfire through those joined together to lay Charlotte Brinkman to rest on the hill overlooking the streets of Virginia City.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s hands were shaking. \u00a0He couldn\u2019t get them to stop. \u00a0It wasn\u2019t because it was cold or rainy; the brilliant blue skies and the radiant sun didn\u2019t seem to understand what was taking place below them. \u00a0Joe had killed a woman, a defenseless, sweet young woman. \u00a0Of course, he had been cleared of all criminal charges; it had been an accident, a terrible, terrible accident. \u00a0But that fact didn\u2019t really change anything.\u00a0 He had still killed her. \u00a0She was still dead. \u00a0Her body was being lowered into the earth, away from those who loved her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow dare you show your face here, Cartwright.\u201d \u00a0It was the voice of James, the youngest of Charlotte\u2019s four brothers, and even though there were four Cartwrights standing there, no one had to ask which one James was talking to. \u00a0All eyes centered on Joe, even those of his family.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe naturally pulled his eyes to his pa. \u00a0He could always count on his father to step over to his side and help him. \u00a0But Pa\u2019s eyes were nearly as black as Adam\u2019s. \u00a0Only it wasn\u2019t sorrow that darkened Ben Cartwright\u2019s eye, it was disappointment. \u00a0How many times did I warn you?\u00a0<\/em>Joe wanted to look away from his pa\u2019s eyes as more of the crowd threw in their own heated words. \u00a0You didn\u2019t listen.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked to his brothers and found no comfort. Adam stared coldly at him and Hoss was looking at his boots as if there were something written across them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMurderer.\u201d \u00a0The word was said more than once. \u00a0Joe himself had said it to his reflection that morning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen.\u201d The deep baritone of Mr. Brinkman all but silenced the churning voices. \u201cI think it would be best if you and your sons left.\u201d \u00a0Young James moved to stand behind his father and next to his brothers.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked around at the crowd. \u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d he whispered and turned away.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t move. He wasn\u2019t about to follow his family in their retreat. \u00a0He had loved Charlotte. \u00a0He still loved her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAll of you Cartwrights,\u201d another brother growled. \u201cNone of you are welcome.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked back. He didn\u2019t know if it was possible to tell someone how sorry you were with a look, but he tried. \u00a0He tried hard, but Adam ignored him, pushing through the people, mounting, and spurring his horse away from where they would bury the woman he loved.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe watched his brother ride away. He could hear the ceremony begin on top of the hill. The preacher\u2019s voice fell and rose like waves on Lake Tahoe. \u00a0\u201cIt was an accident.\u201d \u00a0He wasn\u2019t aware that the words had escaped him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAn accident,\u201d Ben\u2019s words were hard like stone. \u201cA perfectly preventable accident.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d Joe didn\u2019t know what he was going to say, but he wasn\u2019t given the chance anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou were showing off, Joe. \u00a0Stupidly playing a dangerous game and you lost. \u00a0Only it wasn\u2019t you who paid. \u00a0It was Charlotte and your brother.\u201d Ben turned to look into Joe\u2019s moist eyes. \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s been years since I\u2019ve seen Adam so happy.\u00a0 You killed that happiness with your recklessness.\u201d \u00a0Ben\u2019s voice wavered slightly, \u201cIt could have been him just as easily. It could be your brother being buried today.\u00a0 Last night he told me he wished it were.\u201d \u00a0Ben turned and mounted Buck, urging him forward without another glance at the cemetery or the son he left by its entrance.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss glanced down at his brother, opened his mouth to speak, then, changing his mind, followed after his Pa.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe squeezed his eyes shut and felt the hot tears fall down his face. Why couldn\u2019t this nightmare end? \u00a0Why couldn\u2019t this be another dream that would disappear when he opened his eyes? \u00a0Instead it was a reality he lived with. \u00a0It haunted his dreams and his waking moments. Whenever his eyes closed Joe saw Adam catching Charlotte as she fell, holding her limp body against his chest as his eyes searched for the culprit, and his heart tore apart.<\/span><\/p>\n

At night when he dreamed, he would watch the gun slowly twirl around his finger as if he were somehow outside of his body. \u00a0He would scream for himself to stop, but every time that cocky grin would spread over his face. It happened every time; every night. \u00a0The single shot would go off. \u00a0Charlotte would scream and Adam would look up at him. \u00a0With her blood soaking into his shirtfront he would yell, \u201cMurderer!\u201d\u00a0 Awake or asleep, he couldn\u2019t escape the nightmare.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe mounted Cochise but instead of following his family back toward the Ponderosa he headed for town and a saloon.\u00a0 All he wanted was a moment to forget, a second where he didn\u2019t loathe himself. \u00a0It had been nearly three days; three of the worst days Joe had ever lived through.<\/span><\/p>\n

If this was how life was going to be from now on, Joe wasn\u2019t sure it was worth living. \u00a0He knew how Adam felt. \u00a0He, too, wished it were him they were burying on the hill beneath the dusty earth. \u00a0After all, the world would be better off without him.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

When the good people of Virginia City had gathered to lay Charlotte Brinkman to her rest, a different sort had assembled at the Bucket of Blood. \u00a0Was this where Joe belonged now? \u00a0His gaze swept across ragged, lifeless men, men with blank, empty eyes, or worse . . .\u00a0 men with the Devil\u2019s glare, like the half-shadowed man sitting in the corner.<\/span><\/p>\n

“What you lookin’ at, kid?” The voice was as cold as the eyes looking back at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

“Nothing,” Joe said softly, glancing away as quick as he could and fighting the urge to shudder. “I’m sorry.”<\/span><\/p>\n

He tried to concentrate on the frothy beer in his mug, but he could not stop seeing those cold, dark eyes. \u00a0He could feel them watching him still, making the back of his neck tingle, sharp and hot, like the sting that warns you frostbite’s about to set in. \u00a0It felt like a warning all right, and Joe tried to heed it, but it was already too late. \u00a0He could hear the man approaching him in the dull thump of boot heels striking worn floor boards and the soft jingle of spurs.\u00a0 When the man stopped at Joe’s table, he seemed to wait for Joe to look up at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was the last thing Joe wanted to do. He felt like he had just seen the Devil, and he sure didn’t want a second look. But what if . . . what if he had just seen himself, the man he would become\u2014the man he was already becoming? \u00a0He had to look. \u00a0He had no choice.\u00a0 His eyes moved upward . . . and a hand grabbed him by the throat.<\/span><\/p>\n

“You want to look at me, boy? \u00a0Well, go ahead and take a look. \u00a0Take a good, long look.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe found himself being hauled to his feet. With his free hands, Joe clawed at the stranger’s hand as it choked him, but he might as well have been a baby fighting David\u2019s Goliath.\u00a0 There was power in that hand, strength enough to snap his neck. \u00a0Or to hang him; to hang him right there at the end of a man’s arm. \u00a0Even when Joe was on his feet, still the man kept lifting him upward. He didn’t stop until all that kept Joe from swinging in the air was the very tip of his toes.<\/span><\/p>\n

“I said look!” The man shouted.<\/span><\/p>\n

The hand no longer mattered. The fact that Joe was gasping for breath meant nothing. \u00a0All that mattered was the face staring back at him. \u00a0Before, Joe had only noticed the man’s eyes\u2014eyes that raged with a fire inside, the kind that could blister a man’s soul. \u00a0But now . . . now he was sure he was looking at the Devil itself. \u00a0Half of the man’s face was red, the skin wrinkled and folded like melted wax. \u00a0And that wasn’t the worst of it.\u00a0 The man\u2019s free hand tugged away his neckerchief to make sure Joe could see the rope burns hiding beneath.\u00a0 And that was when Joe knew, knew without any doubt at all he was looking at the Devil, because it’s a common fact you can’t kill the Devil. You can hang him from here to next week, but he isn’t ever going to die.<\/span><\/p>\n

“You got somethin’ to say to me now, boy?”<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m sorry! \u00a0<\/em>Joe wanted to say.\u00a0\u00a0I’m sorry!<\/em>\u00a0I didn’t mean to kill her! \u00a0I’d die myself if I could bring her back. \u00a0But please don’t take me! \u00a0I can’t be like you! I can’t . . . can’t be the Devil!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

But Joe’s voice was useless, locked into his throat by the hand that was strangling him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe the stranger realized that or maybe he just got tired of the game. \u00a0He threw Joe away from him like a bored child throwing a ragdoll. \u00a0Joe landed hard enough against a table to knock what little breath he still had in him clear out of his lungs. \u00a0The table collapsed into kindling beneath him. \u00a0For an instant, Joe wondered if his spine would fare as poorly, but it was his chest that burned. \u00a0He could almost swear it was on fire . . . and as his vision began to grow foggy, he was sure he caught a glimpse of Hell.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it was only a glimpse, a quick reminder of where he was headed. \u00a0By the time he realized what he was seeing, he found himself back on the floor of the saloon, staring up at a ceiling yellowed by smoke and blackened by soot.<\/span><\/p>\n

“All right mister. That’s enough.” \u00a0Was that Sheriff Coffee’s voice?<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The sound was dulled, muffled by a ringing in Joe’s ears. “Now just come with me slow and easy like.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Tell you what, sheriff,” the stranger said. “You put that gun away slow and easy like, and I won’t kill you.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“That’s a mighty bold thing to say, seein’ as how I’m the one with the gun.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wasn’t sure what happened then. \u00a0He had to guess the stranger had help, the kind of help only devils can get. \u00a0There was a soft thud, a grunt and then the sound of\u2014something . . . maybe a gun clattering to the ground. \u00a0That was all Joe heard. By the time he got his feet under him again and blinked the fog from his eyes, the saloon was empty except for Joe and Sheriff Coffee. \u00a0Roy was lying on the floor. \u00a0He wasn’t moving.<\/span><\/p>\n

“It was Cartwright!” The shout came from just outside the doors. “It was Little Joe Cartwright! \u00a0He killed the sheriff!”<\/span><\/p>\n

Stunned by the accusation and horrified that Roy really might be dead, Joe stood frozen in place, staring at yet another victim of his own carelessness. \u00a0But he hadn’t caused this, not really. \u00a0Had he? \u00a0Joe felt numb and empty . . . as empty as the men he’d seen earlier. \u00a0Where had they gone? \u00a0Back to Hell?<\/span><\/p>\n

Dazed . . . lost . . . Joe was slow to react when a group of angry men\u2014Charlotte’s brothers among them\u2014came crashing into the saloon. \u00a0When two of the men grabbed hold of him, Joe did not struggle. \u00a0When James Brinkman punched him in the mouth, Joe spat blood to the floor and then faced him again. \u00a0He took every blow James had for him, and then more from each of Charlotte’s grieving brothers, figuring he deserved every one. \u00a0He stood there and took it, the beating he’d had coming, and when he could no longer stand on his own, he accepted the support of the men holding him. \u00a0He never once gave thought to fighting back until something sharp seared his abdomen and he knew he had to fight back, but not against these men\u2014his fight was against the blackness, because if it won, he would wake up in Hell.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe smelled smoke and something else his nose couldn\u2019t identify.\u00a0 He was afraid to open his eyes; he didn\u2019t want to know if Hell really looked like the pictures in that Dante book.\u00a0 A stab of pain in his side reminded him about the man who had to spend eternity pushing a rock uphill only to have a vulture eat out his liver.<\/span>
\n Low voices said his name along with Roy\u2019s and Charlotte\u2019s.\u00a0 Maybe he was in line at the Pearly Gates.\u00a0 If so, was Saint Peter discussing his sins with God?\u00a0 Had his good deeds outweighed the wicked?\u00a0 Neither Roy nor Charlotte probably had to wait in line\u2014they were likely escorted through without question by angels.<\/span><\/p>\n

The tearing in his side grew worse.\u00a0 He hoped that vulture was enjoying its feast because liver would be on the menu again tomorrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHold still,\u201d a voice commanded.\u00a0 Joe was sure that was Dr. Martin.\u00a0 If so, he must still be earthbound.\u00a0 He tentatively opened one eye and was relieved to be in the doctor\u2019s surgery.\u00a0 He gulped a ragged breath at the sharp pain in his side and realized he was being stitched.<\/span><\/p>\n

In an attempt to block out the pain, he tried listening to the voices coming from the other side of the privacy screen.\u00a0 His father\u2019s deep baritone was rumbling at someone else, but Joe couldn\u2019t place the responding voice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s only hearsay,\u201d Joe heard his father say.\u00a0 \u201cNo one saw who shot Roy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThose shots weren\u2019t fired by a ghost.\u00a0 Your boy was in the saloon, his pistol had been fired, and Roy was down.\u00a0 That\u2019s all the evidence I need.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Did that mean what Joe thought?\u00a0 Had he killed the sheriff?\u00a0 Was he going to be hanged like Farmer Perkins?\u00a0\u00a0 At least there had been a witness\u2014Mrs. Cameron\u2014when the Farmer killed the storekeeper.\u00a0 Air whistled through Joe\u2019s teeth as he tried to breathe through the pain of the needle.<\/span><\/p>\n

If Roy was dead, would Adam side against Joe?\u00a0 Adam had made the decision to carry out Perkins\u2019 sentence; would he insist on seeing his brother hang?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI need a witness, Mr. Brinkman.\u201d\u00a0 Joe recognized Clem\u2019s voice.\u00a0 At least the deputy was on his side.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s irrelevant.\u00a0 You have a body and the weapon.\u00a0 Other men have been hanged with less evidence.\u00a0 If you won\u2019t hang him, I\u2019ll insist that Judge Manville swear out a warrant for that boy\u2019s arrest and execution.\u00a0 He has a daughter, he\u2019ll understand.\u201d \u00a0Joe heard windows rattle as the door slammed.\u00a0 Charlotte\u2019s death was an accident, why didn\u2019t anyone realize that?<\/span><\/p>\n

Heavy footsteps came around the screen and Joe turned his head a fraction to see his father.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s face looked more wrinkled with his hair whiter than it had a few days ago.\u00a0 He scanned his father\u2019s features, hoping to see warmth in the dark eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard disappointment, sadness, and something else that he couldn\u2019t place.\u00a0 He wished the pages could be put back on the calendar so he could change what had happened that terrible day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa . . . I . . . it was an accident.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held his hat by its brim and slowly turned it in his work-roughened hands.\u00a0 He shook his head and Joe noticed that the lines on either side of his father\u2019s mouth were suddenly deeper.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you ever stop to think, boy?\u00a0 Are you so selfish?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe winced, as much at the words as at the needle stitching his flesh back together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re so much like your mother.\u00a0 Common sense flew out the window when that reckless streak reared its ugly head.\u00a0 She never gave a second thought to the consequences of her actions.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The pain in Joe\u2019s side was nothing compared to what he felt in his heart.\u00a0 As the doctor sewed, it felt like a scalpel was cutting into his soul.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019d still be alive if she hadn\u2019t been so confident in her ability to control that damned horse.\u201d\u00a0 He pointed to nowhere in particular and said, \u201cCharlotte would still be alive if you hadn\u2019t been so irresponsible.\u00a0 Do you think your brothers and I have nothing better to do than deal with the messes you make?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you have any pride in being a Cartwright?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tightly closed his eyes against the pain\u2014his soul couldn\u2019t be stitched back together as easily as his skin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen,\u201d cautioned the doctor softly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour mother left a trail of destruction in her wake and you\u2019ve done the same.\u00a0 You are your mother\u2019s son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A ragged breath escaped Joe\u2019s mouth instead of a plea for his father\u2019s forgiveness.\u00a0 The footsteps faded but the hurt of the words didn\u2019t.\u00a0 He grimaced as the doctor wrapped bandages around his torso but, unlike the ache in his heart, the physical pain would eventually diminish.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou rest now,\u201d Dr. Martin advised as he spooned laudanum into his patient.\u00a0 Joe heard a door close and was glad to be alone in his anguish.<\/span><\/p>\n

Would his mother offer comforting words or would she be as disappointed as Pa?\u00a0 He grasped at fleeting memories of a smiling, laughing woman whose French-tinged voice spoke words of comfort to boys with skinned knees or bruised faces.\u00a0 An image surfaced of a woman with long blonde hair and almond-colored skin, singing about a blue-eyed girl named Mary and a black crow in an oak tree.\u00a0 The face turned towards him but it wasn\u2019t his mother\u2019s\u2014it was Charlotte\u2019s.\u00a0 The blonde hair changed to a glossy black and then a wiry gray; the eyes from sparkling emeralds to deep sapphires and then glowing red coals.\u00a0 A skeletal hand reached forth and a long finger motioned for him to follow.\u00a0 He shut his eyes tighter, praying for God to have mercy on his worthless soul.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

The long ride home a day later took place in complete silence. \u00a0Ben looked like he’d been carved from stone; Hoss like someone had ripped out his heart and stomped on it. \u00a0Adam was entirely absent\u2014Joe suspected he’d gone off somewhere private to lick his wounds. \u00a0Hard as he’d taken it when he’d lost that Quaker girl, it must have been intolerable for him to face sharing a home with Charlotte’s killer.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not\u2014Joe was already determined\u2014that doing so was going to be necessary for Adam. As soon as Dr. Martin had admitted he was strong enough to ride, Joe had begun making his plans to leave. \u00a0If the Devil could track him to a saloon in Virginia City, there’d be no trouble getting the last few miles to the Ponderosa, so Joe intended to be gone before the Devil bothered coming\u2014if the Devil bothered. \u00a0Joe had come to fear he’d been destructive enough on his own that there wasn’t much left for the Devil to ruin there.<\/span><\/p>\n

All Joe’s life he’d known his father had adored his mother, and himself because of her. \u00a0It was something he always depended on, like the sun coming up every morning, whatever trouble he got himself into, no matter what punishment was given as a result, he had been certain he could never lose his father\u2019s love. \u00a0He’d even assumed his brothers felt the same way\u2014they’d never shared anything but fond memories of her. \u00a0He knew the story of how she’d kissed Hoss’s hurt fingers and soothed his hurt feelings by heart, and if Adam wasn’t so explicit, well, Adam never was . . . .<\/span><\/p>\n

But now that was gone, all gone, and with it everything that mattered to Joe. \u00a0How long had his pa been watching in fear he’d prove himself his mother’s child in cold hard fact? \u00a0Only he’d proven himself worse . . . at least poor Marie had only killed herself. \u00a0And there was no point in saying “I didn’t mean it.” \u00a0He hadn\u2019t meant to kill Charlotte any more than his mother had meant to die for riding that horse too fast. \u00a0“Didn’t mean it” only made things worse. \u00a0Out-and-out bad intentions might almost have been easier for them to swallow.<\/span><\/p>\n

No point in promising to do better from now on, either\u2014not with the Devil on his tail. The only thing left for Joe to do was to go, as far and as fast as he could. \u00a0So he went.<\/span><\/p>\n

And now he was lying in a cold, cheerless camp, afraid to go to sleep\u2014afraid of what he’d see if he closed his eyes. \u00a0He was trying to pray, but the words were all jumbled and wouldn’t come out right, which put him in more of a cold sweat than ever.<\/span><\/p>\n

That was when he heard, “Hello the camp!”<\/span><\/p>\n

The voice sounded cautious, but not unfriendly, and Joe answered before he could think. “Come on up.”<\/span><\/p>\n

He was just remembering that the Devil could surely imitate voices when the newcomer walked into the firelight\u2014but for all his black clothing and somber expression, Joe knew at once this wasn\u2019t the Devil posing as Adam. \u00a0There was grief enough in his eyes to drown in, but not a trace of fire\u2014not even a reflection from the campfire. \u00a0In fact, the coldness about him was almost as chilling as the bar-room stranger’s fire had been scorching.<\/span><\/p>\n

His first words weren’t particularly frightening, though. “Hoss said I wouldn’t be able to find you by myself, and I almost decided he was right.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Seemed a good idea to cover my tracks best I could.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Might have worked if I hadn’t known about this campsite,” Adam conceded. “But I guessed you’d be running for California, with your face so well known in Nevada.” He scanned his brother up and down before going on, “Take off your shirt. Dr. Martin asked me to check on his stitches if I got the chance.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could only fumble at the buttons, and Adam finally stepped in to finish the job. \u00a0Once he had satisfied himself there was no ugly surprise under the bandages, he cleaned the cut again, \u00a0helped Joe back into the shirt, and laid his own coat around the boy’s shoulders. “I was surprised you’d just run away from the Brinkmans, but they worked you over pretty thoroughly, at that.”<\/span><\/p>\n

There was finally some emotion in his voice, even though the faint older-brother sneer roused Joe to protest, “It’s not the Brinkmans. \u00a0They’d a right . . . it’s the other one that’s after me that I can’t face.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam took Joe’s chin in a firm hand and forced it up until their eyes finally met. “Tell me.”<\/span><\/p>\n

And it all came rushing out\u2014how Joe’d gone over to the Bucket of Blood and seen the Devil there, what had happened to Roy when he’d tried to intervene, the overheard conversation at the doctor’s house and Pa’s speech afterwards, even the nightmarish vision of Marie. \u00a0Adam listened without comment, although as the story unwound, the set of his shoulders gradually softened\u2014not into forgiveness, rather as if a sort of peace was settling around him. \u00a0Perhaps that gave Joe courage enough to ask, when the story was over, how Adam had known to come looking for his missing brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

“Once I’d had enough of being alone I still didn’t feel up to dealing with Pa\u2014or seeing you\u2014so I decided to ride into Virginia City and have a talk with Roy.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Oh,” Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

“Precisely.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Adam, I didn’t kill Roy.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“No, you didn’t; especially since he isn’t dead.\u00a0 Or at least he wasn\u2019t when I left town.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe launched himself into garbled protest. \u00a0It had seemed so certain, listening to Pa and Clem and Mr. Brinkman arguing about Roy being killed\u2014and if Roy had survived, why would Dr. Martin have been wasting his time stitching up a knife wound when the sheriff needed his bullet wound tended?<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam’s explanation for\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0shook Joe up even more. “What do you mean, Roy wasn’t shot?” he squawked.<\/span><\/p>\n

“Just that. \u00a0He wasn’t shot. \u00a0The gun on the saloon floor was his\u2014and it hadn’t been fired. Your gun was still in your holster. \u00a0Paul thinks Roy had heart trouble, or some kind of stroke . . . there’s nothing to be done for him but wait to see if he wakes up again, anyway. \u00a0And Clem was waving Roy’s gun under the Brinkmans’ noses through that whole argument you overheard and none of them noticed it wasn’t yours\u2014not even Pa. That was when Clem decided he’d better play along with them for the time and talk to the judge later.” Adam broke off to stare at Joe with cold black eyes. “Are you telling me\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0think you fired a gun?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Slowly, reluctantly, Joe thought back through the whole nightmare. “I was on my back on the floor, where that Devil had thrown me . . . and you’re right, there wasn’t a gunshot. I heard Roy groan and fall, and the gun skitter away, but no gunshot. \u00a0Only. . . only, why?”<\/span><\/p>\n

“I don’t know,” Adam grunted. “All I know is what I told you, and that Paul and Clem\u2014and Judge Manville, who I hear is very annoyed with his daughter lately\u2014are sitting at Roy’s bedside ready to take a deposition if he wakes up long enough to tell them what he remembers. \u00a0If he remembers anything, of course; Paul’s afraid he might not.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“I wish\u00a0I<\/em>\u00a0could not remember any of it.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“I’m sure you do,” Adam said bitterly. “Not remembering’s so much easier, isn’t it?” There was a pause while he deliberately brought himself back under control, before he went on in a rather softer voice. “If you\u2019re having nightmares they would make things harder, I suppose. Let me stand watch while you sleep\u2014I’ll wake you up if you need it. \u00a0And you\u00a0will<\/em>\u00a0need some rest\u2014we aren’t out of the woods quite yet, you know.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Somehow knowing Adam was there did make it easier for Joe to face trying to fall asleep. \u00a0As he settled back onto the ground he mumbled sleepily, “I don’t understand why you should bother yourself over me.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Joe. That bullet’s destroyed enough I loved already. I’m not letting it take any more.”<\/span><\/p>\n

“Thanks, older brother,” Joe whispered back, but Adam had already turned away and was checking to be sure his gun was loaded.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Ad<\/em>am.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn’t realize he had dozed off, before he felt like falling into the sheer emptiness, again. \u00a0The start made him wake up and gasp; his heart nearly missed a beat before he was sure he was still alive. Or was he just not dead enough to let go? Waking up, he realized this thought was old, like a bad habit, and he had to let it go\u2014no,\u00a0make<\/em>\u00a0it go.<\/span><\/p>\n

The clouds had gathered around them again, brining uncertainty back. \u00a0Just as the stars had been hidden, one by one, Joes memories of the peace and calm of Adam\u2019s earlier manner were also swept away.\u00a0 Had they been just a dream, too?\u00a0 Eerie nightmares took their place and fed Joe\u2019s growing apprehension.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The twitch of his body made Joe grunt, and he felt the throb and the tender itchiness of the stitches, where new bandaging remained as a reminder of his brother’s earlier care for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam.\u201d\u00a0 There was a bit more haste, anxiety, in Joe’s voice than he had intended. It seemed to block his words, momentarily.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m here, Joe.\u201d \u00a0Adam’s voice was husky. \u00a0But it was near.\u00a0 Strangely unemotional; familiar for being Adam\u2019s voice, yet somewhat alien.\u00a0 Close by, yet far, far away.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew from the tension of his scalp that his forehead creased in a frown, but he was sure Adam couldn’t see in the dark.\u00a0 He couldn’t.<\/span><\/p>\n

The echo of Adam’s voice rang in Joe’s ears. \u00a0It was a voice of a friend after all those strange days of being an enemy\u2014and yet a voice filled with pain\u2014a pain beyond anything words could express.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201dAdam.\u201d \u00a0Somehow, Joe had to talk. There was nothing to say, not that he knew, but not saying anything was even worse. Joe had looked into Hell, before, but now he could hear it closing its walls around him, them, and even his ribs ached for the pressure. He couldn’t face being afraid, not anymore. \u201dAdam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou all right, Joe?\u201d Adam squirmed out from a tightly wrapped bed roll, snorting, and Joe could see the shape of his hair and his eyes, glistening in the remains of the last cinders of the campfire.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course Joe was not all right. \u201cYes, I am,\u201d he lied, before he hesitated, again. \u201cAre you? All right, I mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The itch from the stitches was annoying; but now, since Adam had cleaned the cut and bandaged it again, the scratchiness was more that of healing, rather than getting sicker. There was a similar sore tension in Adam; he was poked by something burning, that had hit something already sore, and he crawled up, hugging his knees. \u00a0An awkward caterpillar, tied up in a cocoon of \u00a0coarse fabric.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was no answer. He was looking away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201dWhy did you come for me?\u201d Joe repeated.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had said it once, but Joe wasn’t right with it. It was\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0too heavy to carry for him. To carry it alone. \u201dWhy did you\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0come?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The bedroll around Joe smelled of Ponderosa. Tired, worn, and aching here and there, he also realized he was blazing hungry, of all things, again. \u00a0Was he never going to be content, anymore? \u00a0The comforting smell of Ponderosa made his frown crease further. \u00a0But he couldn’t give in to his feelings, he was a man.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe Cartwright was supposed to be a man, now.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had come to take him home. And for all of his young pride and remorse, Joe couldn’t understand. \u201dYou could have just let me\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0go. Find my way\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0somewhere.\u201d Joe swallowed at the last word, although he didn\u2019t know if his throat was dry from being tired, from being so apart from everybody, or from something else.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201dOf course I came for you, Joe,\u201d Adam snapped, probably a bit harsher than he had meant. He was tired, too. Was he\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0angry? His eyes flared and his hands flew apart from their tight clasp like they were unhinged from a spring. \u201cI wouldn’t leave even a murderer out here to die!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The harsh words seemed to stab at Adam as hard as they did Joe.\u00a0 Somehow, the attempt at reassurance had turned into an accusation.\u00a0 Adam stared at Joe, frightened, then turned away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I didn’t\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I had no\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. I meant\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0 Don’t think like that, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But what else was there to think? \u00a0Joe was deep in the woods and he saw no path leading out.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn’t look at him, either. \u00a0His eyes were too foggy and his throat so thick\u2014even breathing hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n

For an eternity they just sat there. \u00a0Joe lay half-slumped close to the rocks, dug deep into the bedroll around his wounded posture, and they spoke nothing. \u00a0Adam was as tense as a mountain lion ready to jump at the sight of a prey; Joe didn’t know what it was he was s’posed to hunt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, Adam said, \u201cTry to sleep, Joe. I’ll take you home tomorrow.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Big brother and little brother, just as it was supposed to be\u2014had been numerous times before. \u00a0Except that it wasn’t at all like it was supposed to be, nothing was. \u201cHow\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. how can you get over it, Adam?\u201d Joe asked.\u00a0 It surprised him when the words came out in a squeak.\u00a0 He was tired, tired of having no control over his voice. But he was too tired for shame, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0I don’t know, Joe. I don’t know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s response reminded Joe of the last image he had of Hoss, back at the Ponderosa, fiddling with the knob on the bed post and staring at his own hands. \u00a0Joe had wanted to plead with him to tell him how to live, how to survive, how to ask Pa and Adam to take him back.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI don’t know, Joe, I don’t know.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss’ barreling back had been curved in a perfect parabola\u2014imagine Adam\u2019s surprise at Joe using a word like that!\u2014and his eyes sunk deep in his head in front of Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0\u201cIf only I knew, Joe, but I don’t.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

These mundane words had revealed he knew it all, and they wrung Joe’s already sore conscience a bit more\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0 But before Joe finished the thought, another jolt of shame flared in him so hard he nearly forgot how cold the night was. \u00a0Maybe Hoss had all the right to hit him back with his bad judgment; maybe he was hurt even worse than Joe himself. \u00a0Big and solid Hoss, torn between loyalty to Pa, to Adam, to Joe, too, and not knowing what to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hadn\u2019t known what else to do but flee; now he saw that he was repeating an old habit. \u00a0He needed to stop, needed to turn and face them all.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf only I knew.\u201d Adam ducked his head and swallowed, and despite the darkness Joe could sense his jaw clench in the familiar gesture. \u201cIt’ll be hard, Joe. It\u00a0is<\/em>\u00a0hard.\u201d He breathed deeply. \u201cIt’s hard but we need to get by.\u201d He looked into the horizon, or the direction where they both knew there was a horizon, somewhere, and murmured to the night. \u201cWe just\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0get by.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

They had gotten by when Mama, Marie, died. \u00a0Joe remembered the dammed-up tears and the stiff, uninviting hugs Pa gave when Joe sought for comfort in his lap. \u00a0Pa’s distant look when he didn\u2019t see Joe right there, how that burned Joe’s skin and speared him with pain. \u00a0Adam being distant, and Hoss a piece of rumbling, decaying rock every time Joe needed something solid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually they had come by, because they were joined together by love. \u00a0Loyalty. \u00a0They each had their moments of standing in front of Pa with bowed head, seeking his embrace, healing, fixing, and forgiving. \u00a0It had meant so much to Joe, every time. \u00a0But how could he return, now, how was the balance of bonds in the house now, when they were all separated by feelings of everything but love? A few tears and\u00a0\u201cI love you, Pa\u201d<\/em>\u00a0wasn’t going to fix this.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe’s frown had grown into a grimace.\u00a0 He felt tears on his cheeks . . . tears falling down, all so silent, almost unnoticeable.\u00a0 Why was he letting them fall?<\/span><\/p>\n

By finding him, Adam was making him face the blocked feelings; he was making Joe break into the locked vault that held all the anger, hatred, guilt, contempt, doom; the emotions of facing the family back home. A bit embarrassed, Joe realized he was reluctant to let go of his hurt pride; being a martyr for a while had made him feel more like a hero again, for a false short moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam breathed in heavily and lay down. \u201cSleep. We need to get you safe tomorrow.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn’t want to go. \u201cWhere are the Brinkmans, Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAfter you,\u201d he replied and turned to his side.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

Hearing that made Joe\u2019s thoughts waver.\u00a0 \u201cI can take care of myself,\u201d he snapped so quickly he didn\u2019t realize what he was saying. Even if the Brinkmans were looking for him.\u00a0 Well, he was taking all the necessary precautions.\u00a0 He could easily hide in California and never be seen again. \u00a0And if they did find him, he could handle it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s response, \u201cSure you can\u201d was simple and quiet, as though it was what he knew he was supposed to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was ready to have the same old discussion. \u00a0He wanted to argue that he didn\u2019t need his older brothers to protect him.\u00a0 But the quietness of Adam\u2019s response was unsettling. \u00a0It reminded Joe that he had just taken something away from Adam.\u00a0 It was something precious and something that he could never give back. \u00a0It was not a time to argue.<\/span><\/p>\n

For the next few moments, the silence was heavy and thick once more.\u00a0 They were two men alone with their thoughts, yet very much aware of the other\u2019s presence, and the other\u2019s silence.\u00a0 As time went on, there was an easiness that settled in as each quietly mourned what he had lost.\u00a0 It was with a heart still full of shame and regret that Little Joe slipped off to sleep for the second time that night.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just before dawn, Joe woke with a start.\u00a0 The dreams had again invaded his sleep.\u00a0\u00a0His gun was falling slowly to the ground, turning over and over until it hit the dirt with a slight bounce as a single shot fired.\u00a0 Then came Charlotte\u2019s cry followed by Adam\u2019s \u201cNo!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 Joe sat up. \u00a0He rubbed his eyes as if he could force the vision from his mind if he only rubbed hard enough.\u00a0 Adam, however, didn\u2019t stir.\u00a0 Joe looked at him.\u00a0 Was he having a peaceful sleep, or was he also tormented by that day even in his dreams? \u00a0Joe couldn\u2019t tell, but he knew he had to take advantage of the moment and leave before Adam woke.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe gathered his things, crept over to where the horses were tied and began to saddle his horse as silently as he could. When he raised the saddle over the horse\u2019s back, his side burned with the effort. A grunt escaped his lips before he could stop it, but he continued with what he was doing, hoping that the peaceful sounds of the awakening wildlife would mask any more noise he might make. \u00a0The time had come. He needed to escape his family for a second time.\u00a0 Joe prepared to mount his horse. He grasped the saddle. He steadied himself.\u00a0 He feared that if he made a noise, even just another grunt, Adam might wake up. Suddenly he knew without turning around that he was being watched.\u00a0\u00a0Damn<\/em>. \u00a0Adam had not been asleep after all.\u00a0 Bowing his head so that it almost touched his saddle, he spoke so softly that he barely made a sound \u201cI have to go.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing this for all of you. Don\u2019t you see that?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou are doing this for yourself and no one else, Joe.\u201d Adam sounded angry and accusing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was briefly taken back to Doc Martin\u2019s surgery. \u00a0He could hear Pa\u2019s angry words\u00a0\u201cDon\u2019t you ever stop to think, boy. \u00a0Are you so selfish<\/em>?\u201d\u00a0 He needed to protect them from his foolishness. \u00a0This way, they would never have to lay eyes on him again and never be reminded of what he did. \u00a0Only then would they be able to forget.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t find his voice, fearing if he tried to speak his emotions would betray him.\u00a0 He finally managed a simple \u201cno.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou are running away from yourself. \u00a0You are running so that you don\u2019t have to face Pa\u2019s disappointment and my grief.\u00a0 You are running so that you don\u2019t have to face anyone who knows what you did. \u00a0You think that if you can hide from everyone, then you can hide from what happened.\u00a0 Well,\u00a0Little<\/em>\u00a0Joe, until you face it, until we all face it, we cannot move on with our lives.\u00a0 You are denying your responsibility to our family.\u201d\u00a0 Adam had to stop and settle himself. \u00a0There was a fierceness to his words that he had not intended.\u00a0 Or maybe he had.<\/span><\/p>\n

The heavy silence between the brothers had returned.\u00a0 Neither moved, neither said a word.\u00a0 Joe needed time to think.\u00a0 The silence continued for what seemed like an eternity.\u00a0 Joe stood completely still, but his mind was racing.\u00a0\u00a0Was<\/em>he being a coward and a child?\u00a0 Joe looked up to heaven, took a deep breath and tried his best to clear his head.\u00a0 The last thing he wanted to do was cause his family more pain than he already had.\u00a0 What if Adam could not forgive him?\u00a0 What if his father continued to look at him with disappointment?\u00a0 How would he be able to watch Adam grieve knowing he caused Adam\u2019s pain?\u00a0 These questions kept churning through his mind until suddenly he saw, with complete clarity, his Pa and Adam were right.\u00a0 He was being selfish.\u00a0 His biggest worries, all these questions nagging at him were about how\u00a0he<\/em>\u00a0felt, what\u00a0he<\/em>\u00a0did not want to face.\u00a0 Seeing their pain, grief, and disappointment was going to be hard, but he had to do it.\u00a0 He had made a child\u2019s choice. \u00a0Now it was time to be a man and go home to face the consequences.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned to face Adam, at first looking at the ground but gradually lifting his head to meet Adam\u2019s eyes. \u00a0He squared his shoulders, swallowed hard and spoke with more confidence than he felt. \u201cOkay, I\u2019m coming home with you, Adam. I know that you\u2019re right, but I\u2019m just not sure that it will help everyone\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0enough. \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019 sounds so empty, but it\u2019s all that I can say.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust give it time Joe, just give it time.\u201d \u00a0For the first time since the accident, Joe saw a trace of a smile on his brother\u2019s face. \u00a0Adam walked over to Joe and gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before he added, \u201cWe will just get by. \u00a0Now, you start the coffee and I\u2019ll get some breakfast going. \u00a0I want to be on the trail as soon as possible. We still have the Brinkmans to think about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

The sun was just starting to rise and the air was cool with a slight breeze as they began the ride back to the Ponderosa. \u00a0Joe couldn\u2019t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, the life he had had with his family could be restored one day.\u00a0 Both brothers were carrying a heavy burden, and they would be for a long time to come.\u00a0 But they had begun the long journey back to the relationship they once had.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d\u00a0 Joe began tentatively, not sure if it was a good idea to talk about Charlotte\u2019s family right now.\u00a0 \u201cHow do you know the Brinkman boys are after me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Adam sighed, keeping his eyes on the trail, knowing he needed to be on the lookout for anything strange, \u201cPa went to town yesterday morning pretty early to check on Roy. When Hoss realized you were gone, he rode into town to tell Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo Pa didn\u2019t know that I was gone?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said softly, more to himself than to Adam.\u00a0 There was a time, a time just a week ago, Pa would have been sure to check on his badly-injured son before leaving the ranch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen Hoss got to town,\u201d Adam continued, not acknowledging Joe\u2019s question, \u201che found Pa at Doc Martin\u2019s talking with Mr. Brinkman who, I guess, was feeling bad about accusing you of killing Roy.\u00a0 You can understand why he did that, of course.\u00a0 \u00a0He\u2019d just buried his daughter\u2014\u201d Adam stopped. He was determined to get through this story, but it hurt to talk about her when his heart still ached for her and his arms longed to hold her one last time.\u00a0 He looked over at Joe, who was clearly having his own difficulties with what he had just heard.\u00a0\u00a0God, this was going to be hard.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo.\u201d Adam swallowed hard. \u201cWhen Mr. Brinkman heard that you had run off, he tried to convince Pa that it might just be for the best.\u00a0 James and Bob were still talking vengeance and he was worried that they might do something rash.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about Tom and Fred? \u00a0They don\u2019t want to kill me anymore?\u201d\u00a0 Joe could not help asking. \u00a0It was hard to believe that in just over a day, so much more had changed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook Joe, I don\u2019t think Tom and Fred ever really wanted to kill you. \u00a0Hurt you, sure. \u00a0But not kill you.\u201d Adam stopped again.\u00a0 He could see that the trail led right into a gully with dry brush and boulders on both sides\u2014a perfect spot for an ambush.\u00a0 He took a deep breath and blew it out hard; he adjusted his hat and looked over at Joe to see if he too was trying to come up with a different route. \u00a0But the expression on Joe\u2019s face showed as much pain as contemplation and for the first time since they had left the camp, Adam noticed that Joe was favoring his side. One more reason they needed to get home sooner rather than later.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, we\u2019ve got to go straight through,\u201d Joe said, turning to face his brother and seeing the concern on Adam\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t cut over the rocks because we will be right out in the open.\u00a0 They\u2019ll be able to see us from miles away. \u00a0We have to gamble that they haven\u2019t tracked us and keep heading straight home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam almost chuckled as he noticed Joe using\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0tone in his voice.\u00a0 That\u00a0I\u2019m-right-and-I\u2019m-going-to convince-you-of-this<\/em>\u00a0tone that almost always worked with Pa and Hoss.\u00a0 He knew Joe was right this time, it was their only option, but he didn\u2019t have to like it. Something just felt wrong about this.\u00a0 Adam took the lead as he and Joe slowly spurred their horses into the gully.\u00a0 He kept one hand resting on his gun and checked to be sure that Joe was doing he same.\u00a0 If something did happen, they would have to act fast.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou going to finish telling me what happened in town?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The sound of Joe\u2019s voice shattered the silence so abruptly that Adam\u2019s heart missed a beat. \u201cSure.\u00a0 There isn\u2019t much more to tell,\u201d he responded, but he was more focused on the trail ahead than on his words. \u201cI was at the jail talking to Clem when Hoss came by to see if Clem had any luck finding the guy who threw you over the table and started the whole ruckus in the saloon.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Devil,\u201d Joe whispered as a shiver ran up his spine. He had almost forgotten that the Devil was on his trail, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe were talking about who would track the guy from the saloon and who would go after you, when Mr. Brinkman came into the office. He wanted to know if Clem had seen his sons.\u00a0 Mr. Brinkman said that when he told the boys you had left town, James and Bob got real angry. James said that you were\u2014well, he said a lot of things. \u00a0Then the two of them took off before Mr. Brinkman could stop them. \u00a0So, we found Pa and came up with a plan.\u00a0 I came looking for you, Hoss and Clem went looking for the guy from the saloon, and Pa and Mr. Brinkman went looking for James and Bob.\u00a0 I think that Tom and Fred went looking for their brothers too, but we don\u2019t know that for sure.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam fell silent again and the brothers continued on the trail, constantly looking out for any sign of trouble. \u00a0It seemed that everything had gotten quiet. \u00a0The air had become still and even the birds had stopped singing. \u00a0The only sound came from the horses as each hoof hit the soft ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s side was hurting badly enough that he was having trouble staying up straight in the saddle. \u00a0He was adjusting his position when he saw it\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0off, to the side of the road, in some bushes, not two feet from him.\u00a0 He saw the red glow of the sun reflected in eyes that looked right though him. \u00a0Suddenly, Joe\u2019s horse spooked as if he, too, had seen the devil.\u00a0 As the horse took off, Joe wasn\u2019t sure he would be able to stay on.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam didn\u2019t know what had happened, but he spurred after Joe without question.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard Adam racing after him; he was just beginning to regain control when his horse suddenly stumbled.\u00a0 He was thrown clear, but landed hard. \u00a0He heard the crack as he crashed to the ground, and knew he had broken more of his ribs. The pain in his side became so sharp that he wanted to scream, but he didn\u2019t have the breath to do it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d Adam had dismounted and seemed to be running before both feet had hit the ground.\u00a0 \u201cCan you hear me, Joe? \u00a0I am right here, are you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The worst of the pain was beginning to subside and Joe opened his eyes. \u00a0Everything seemed fuzzy and out of focus. \u00a0He wanted to reassure his brother but he still couldn\u2019t speak.\u00a0 Just as Adam\u2019s features were becoming clearer, there was a shot. \u00a0Suddenly Adam was on the ground and he wasn\u2019t moving.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo!<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t sure how he found the breath to shout, but he did.\u00a0 He tried to sit up and reach for his gun, but his holster was empty.\u00a0 He must have lost it when he was thrown.\u00a0 Before he had time to think what to do next, or to check on Adam, he heard the unmistakable click of someone pulling the hammer back on a gun.\u00a0 Then he saw James Brinkman walking toward him. \u00a0James spoke slowly and his words were stone cold.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0Little Joe Cartwright. You filthy murderer.\u201d James spat on the ground near to where Adam lay.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to shoot your brother, and I\u2019m sorry I did it.\u00a0 But now he can\u2019t help you.\u00a0 The fact is, no one is here to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew that he needed to do something fast. If Adam was still alive, he could be bleeding to death.\u00a0 James had said that he was sorry he shot Adam. Did that mean that he would let Adam go when this was all over?\u00a0 Did it mean that Joe could reason with him?\u00a0 Joe couldn\u2019t be sure what James was thinking, but he was sure about one thing. He had to find out how badly hurt Adam was before he could plan his next move. \u00a0Joe looked over at Adam; he was only a few feet away. If Joe moved a little bit to his left, he would have a better vantage point, and he might be able to see if Adam was still breathing. It wasn\u2019t much, but it was a start.\u00a0 Just as he made the slightest move he saw Bob come out from behind a rock on the other side of the clearing, with his rifle pointed directly at Joe. Bob took a few steps toward Joe before James stopped him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait, Bob! Stay back a ways, and keep your gun on him so he doesn\u2019t move. I need a little time to think.\u201d\u00a0 Bob looked unsure but he continued to hold his gun on Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook, I\u2019m sorry about what happened.\u201d Joe was trying to keep his voice from shaking but he wasn\u2019t doing a very good job. \u201cIt was an accident, a terrible accident. I would do anything to change what happened, but I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you trying to beg for your life, Cartwright?\u201d\u00a0 James spat.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s words just seemed to make him angrier. \u201cYou killed my sister and all you can say is \u2018it was an accident?\u2019 She was good and sweet and never hurt anyone and you killed her just because you were showing off!\u201d James fell silent for a moment, then slowly and deliberately walked towards Joe. He stepped over Adam and took Adam\u2019s gun out of his holster, and tucked it in his pants. When he finally reached Joe, he grabbed him by the arm and forced him to stand.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWe almost gave up on finding you, Cartwright.\u00a0 I am not sure why you and your brother were riding straight at us like that, but I sure am glad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe got to his feet the world began to spin.\u00a0 His entire chest was on fire.\u00a0 Even worse, when he looked down, he saw he was bleeding again, that his shirt was soaked in blood.\u00a0 Apparently the stitches had ripped open and blood was freely flowing down his pant leg, since his shirt was unable to absorb more. \u00a0Staying alert was his top priority. If he didn\u2019t, he would never be able to help Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe repeatedly stumbled as James hauled him over to a nearby tree and shoved him to the ground.\u00a0 \u201cBob, I\u2019ll keep my gun on him and you go and get some rope.\u201d\u00a0 Joe could hear James\u2019 words, but was having more and more trouble understanding them. He could no longer fight. It took every ounce of strength he had to stay conscious.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was becoming aware of some commotion and muffled words as the fog began to lift from his brain.\u00a0 At first he couldn\u2019t remember where he was, but it only took a few moments for it all to come back to him.\u00a0 With sudden panic he saw that Joe was no longer on the ground where Adam had last seen him.\u00a0 Quickly, but quietly, he tried to stand, only to find that his legs were not yet willing to cooperate. Finally he managed to work his way to his knees. There was something warm and sticky on his face, and it did not take him long to realize that he had come damn close to having a bullet in his skull.\u00a0 For a split second he thought about how he could have been reunited with Charlotte.\u00a0 He could see her standing there, waiting for him. He could hold her in his arms again .\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0 He forced the vision of Charlotte from his mind.\u00a0 Joe was in trouble and needed him now. He finally got to his feet just in time to see Bob and James step away from Joe who was sitting, tied to a tree, barely conscious.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do we do now, James?\u201d\u00a0 Bob\u2019s voice was shaking as he lowered his rifle and led James away from Joe.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s just leave them here.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like this. I think Pa might have been right when he said that killing Joe Cartwright would only make things worse.\u00a0 We can stop this.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t going to bring Charlotte back, James.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

“No! I set out to make Cartwright pay for what he did to our sister and I\u2019m going to do it\u201d James was shouting and his voice was high pitched and shaky.\u00a0 His breath was coming quick and hard as he looked at the gun in his hand.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIf you\u2019re too yellow, then leave.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou should listen to your brother, James.\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s shout echoed through the gully as both Brinkmans spun around, surprised to see him standing there. Adam hoped he looked a lot steadier than he felt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s labored breathing was shallow and he let out a slight moan as he tried to readjust his position so he could see Adam. He was relieved to see Adam standing. Joe tried to move, to see if he could loosen the ropes. A new surge of pain ripped through his side with the effort.<\/span><\/p>\n

When Joe moaned for a second time, James turned his attention back to his intended victim. Keeping his gun trained on Adam, he backed slowly to the tree where Joe was tied.\u00a0 He lowered his gun until it was pointed right at Joe\u2019s head. \u201cYou killed my sister!\u00a0 They should have\u00a0hung\u00a0<\/em>you for what you did.\u201d Adam noticed that James was unable to keep the gun steady; his whole body was trembling with rage. \u201cBut instead, all you have to do is tell everyone how sorry you are, and they let you walk away like nothing ever happened.\u201d James was shouting now, but no longer directing it at Joe. He seemed to be shouting out to the world. \u201cMy sister is\u00a0dead<\/em>, and someone has to pay for that!\u201d James\u2019 face was flushed and covered with both sweat and tears that rained down as he snapped his head back in Joe\u2019s direction. \u201cYou have no right to be alive. Do you hear me?\u00a0You have no right<\/em>!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 He took another step toward Joe and placed the gun barrel against Joe\u2019s temple.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you do this it will be murder, James. You will hang.\u201d Adam\u2019s words were calm but firm and powerful. He took a few shaky steps towards James and continued. \u201cAnd for what? Joe didn\u2019t get to walk away like nothing ever happened, James. Do you think that he hasn\u2019t been living with shame and regret every minute?\u00a0 This will be part of him for the rest of his life.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd do you think your sister would want you to kill for her?\u201d\u00a0 The booming voice of Mr. Brinkman could have been heard for miles.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everyone turned to see Mr. Brinkman and Ben Cartwright riding in together.\u00a0 Two anxious men coming to rescue their sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his youngest son; his eyes were hard and cold as he quickly looked him over before turning to Adam. He was taken back when he saw the blood on the side of his head. \u201cAre you alright, Son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRight as rain, Pa,\u201d drawled Adam, keeping his eyes trained on James.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stared at his father unable to believe his callous dismissal.\u00a0 Everything he had hoped for, everything Adam had assured him died a swift death in that one look. Grief, despair, guilt, and shame all came rushing back with a vengeance. His father had just shown him that there wasn\u2019t a place for Joe in his life. After all he was a murderer, a destroyer of happiness and dreams. The feelings overwhelmed Joe and he no longer wanted anything to do with them. He wanted to run, to get away from them and from everything. He wanted to run as far as he could go, and not be able to look back. He looked off into the brush and could have sworn he saw the red, flaming eyes of the Devil looking back at him.\u00a0I want to go with him\u2026 Have it done with for good.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Without being aware of what he was doing, Joe had been working at the bonds that held him prisoner to the tree. Bob, in his haste and nervousness, hadn\u2019t done a very good job of securing Joe, and with relative ease the ropes dropped away from the youngest Cartwright.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam took a tentative step towards James. \u201cListen to your father, James. Charlotte wouldn\u2019t want this. She wouldn\u2019t want you to ruin your life like this. Not because of her and the actions of a careless boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you know? She was\u00a0my<\/em>\u00a0sister!\u201d James spat.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know that I loved her with all my heart and I would have gladly given my life for hers. I know that she also loved me. But most important, I know beyond a doubt, that she loved you so very much. She wouldn\u2019t want this for you. She would want you to find peace and happiness. Charlotte wouldn\u2019t want you living with hate eating away at your heart. She would want all of us to move on, to forgive, and to find love again.\u201d There were tears in Adam\u2019s eyes and a few slipped unheeded down his cheeks.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cListen to him, Son. Adam\u2019s telling you the truth. Charlotte wouldn\u2019t want this,\u201d urged Mr. Brinkman.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben kept his eyes glued to Adam. He couldn\u2019t afford to look at Joe, to allow himself to feel the fear that had rushed into his heart at the sight of his youngest son. He had to be ready for whatever happened; he had to be ready to save the boy\u2019s life. No matter what Brinkman was saying, they were outnumbered three to two and who knew where Tom and Fred were.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa! He killed her! She\u2019s gone and she\u2019s never coming back. He\u2019s gotta pay. If the law isn\u2019t going to punish him then I will!\u201d James pulled the hammer back on the gun, the sound echoing though the suddenly silent clearing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, James, don\u2019t,\u201d Bob pleaded.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked at Joe and saw that he had managed to free himself from the ropes and seemed to be slowly adjusting his position. His eyes met Joe\u2019s and he frowned. He didn\u2019t like what his saw in Joe\u2019s eyes. The look sent a shiver of fear down Adam\u2019s spine. Joe broke eye contact and looked towards their father and Adam followed his gaze to find Ben\u2019s eyes fixed on him and not on Joe. Adam motioned towards Joe with his eyes, but Ben gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. He looked back at Joe in time to see him drop his gaze.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard the hammer click into position on the gun; he could feel the cold steel of the barrel pressed firmly against his temple. All it would take was one squeeze and everything would be over. Joe found that he wasn\u2019t afraid but relieved instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

James\u2019 eyes were locked with the pleading eyes of his father. \u201cPlease, Son, I\u2019ve lost one child already, please don\u2019t cause me lose another.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

James glanced at his older brother, looking for guidance; he didn\u2019t know what to do. He wanted to make Joe pay, but he didn\u2019t want to hurt his family anymore than they already had been. He started to lower his gun when Joe\u2019s hand shot up and grabbed his.<\/span><\/p>\n

Using James\u2019 hand as leverage, Joe pulled himself to his feet. He seemed a man possessed as he fought for the gun. He was determined to get what he wanted.<\/span><\/p>\n

It all seemed like it was happening in slow motion as Adam watched Joe\u2019s hand close around James\u2019. He saw Joe\u2019s finger slide into the trigger guard, then Joe pulled the gun up. \u201cNO! JOE, LET GO OF THE GUN!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s shout drew Ben\u2019s attention to his youngest son at the same time he heard a shot fired. At first no one knew which of the boys had been hit until Joe collapsed to the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Adam rushed to where Joe lay motionless on the ground, blood pouring from a gash on the side of his head. Ben felt for a pulse and was relieved to find one. It was weak, but it was there. He pulled the scarf off from around his neck and held it to the wound on the side of Joe\u2019s head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, his side. Brinkman, there\u2019s bandages in my saddlebags.\u201d Ben directed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI got it, Pa.\u201d Adam ripped Joe\u2019s shirt open and using his knife cut the blood-soaked bandages away from Joe\u2019s side. As he expected, the stitches had been ripped open and the wound had bled quite a bit, but had started to slow.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere,\u201d Mr. Brinkman said as he thrust the saddlebags towards Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam rifled threw them and pulled out the medical supplies that had been packed. \u201cHow is he?\u201d he asked as he handed Ben some bandages.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlive. The bullet just grazed him. It\u2019s deep and I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll need stitches; the bleeding is already starting to slow. What about his side?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe tore out every one of Doc\u2019s stitches when he fell from the horse. I think he cracked some ribs, too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I didn\u2019t, I swear I didn\u2019t shoot him. He\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0h-he pulled the trigger,\u201d James insisted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI saw, son,\u201d Mr. Brinkman said sadly as he put a comforting arm around his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bob came up on the other side of James and mirrored his father\u2019s actions, lending his brother the support he desperately needed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe groaned and tried to push away from the helping hands, causing Ben and Adam trouble keeping him still. The more they tried, the harder Joe fought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop it, Joseph!\u201d Ben ordered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes opened and he saw his father above him. \u201cNo,\u201d he pleaded. \u201cLet me go. Just let me go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked down into the dull, beseeching, green eyes and realized how close he had come to losing his youngest son, in more ways than one. \u201cI\u2019m not letting you go, Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked away from his father. \u201cI\u2019m no good. I\u2019m my m-mother\u2019s s-son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s words slashed at Ben\u2019s heart. He regretted every word he had said. Didn\u2019t he just days ago accuse this same son of not stopping to think? Of being selfish? Yet, he had done the very same thing. He said things in anger, fear and grief. Things that at the time were meant to hurt as much as he was hurting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Joseph, you are your mother\u2019s son. You\u2019re reckless, over confident, you do things without thinking about the consequences. But you\u2019re also like her in so many other ways. You\u2019re loving, generous, courageous, honest, loyal, forgiving, not afraid to admit when you\u2019re wrong and you put others above yourself. Like her, you have a love for life that\u2019s unquenchable; you live life as if every day counts. And if I\u2019m honest with myself, you\u2019re also your father\u2019s son. You say things in anger before you stop to think it through. You\u2019re a good person, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d whispered Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Adam said agreeing with their father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m the Devil\u2019s own.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe, you\u2019re my son and I\u2019m proud to call you that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe swallowed hard and closed his eyes. \u201cCan\u2019t forgive me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI told you, Joe, we\u2019ll get through it. As a family we\u2019ll get through it. All we need is time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re my brother, Little Joe, I don\u2019t know what I\u2019d do without you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes snapped open at the sound of the new voice. Kneeling next to him was Hoss, his clear, blue eyes reflecting the love he felt for his brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLike Adam says, we\u2019ll get through it as a family. You know Adam\u2019s always right, he\u2019s the smart one.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes again, not knowing what to think or feel. He was exhausted and everything felt like it took too much effort.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked around the clearing. \u201cWhere did the Brinkman\u2019s go?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey left with Clem and that there fella we were lookin\u2019 for,\u201d Hoss explained. \u201cClem and I were headed back to town when we heard the shot. What happened, Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you later, after we take care of Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe? Open your eyes, Son.\u201d When Joe didn\u2019t respond Ben felt his stomach lurch. He took hold of Joe\u2019s hand and gave it a squeeze, but Joe\u2019s hand stayed limp in Ben\u2019s; there wasn\u2019t any returned pressure. \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kept his eyes closed and turned his head away from his father. He had stopped trying to fight the hands that were helping him. In fact he had stopped fighting at all. He was letting go.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you dare, Joe. Don\u2019t you let go! Do you hear me, don\u2019t you let go.\u201d Ben demanded.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slowly shook his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his other two sons and saw his own fear reflected in their eyes. \u201cI was wrong when I said that you\u2019re your mother\u2019s son. You\u2019re not! You\u2019re not her son at all. Marie would never give up like this. No matter what had happened, she wouldn\u2019t give up. She would stand and fight. She\u2019d never take the easy way out!\u201d Ben said angrily.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes slowly opened and he turned his head to look into the warm, brown eyes of his father. \u201cHelp me, Pa. Please.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlways, Joe. \u00a0Always.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Epilogue<\/span><\/p>\n

One year later\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/span><\/p>\n

The past year had been a hard one for the Cartwrights, especially Joe and Adam. In the early months while Adam struggled with his grief, he knew he wasn\u2019t alone. \u00a0Joe watched him and suffered as deeply, perhaps even more deeply than Adam himself because Joe\u2019s grief was bolstered by guilt. As time passed, Adam began to realize his younger, usually more rambunctious brother had grown far too subdued.<\/span><\/p>\n

Before Charlotte\u2019s death, Little Joe had always been a young man who could slip into and out of emotions as though they were gloves he could pull on when needed. But that Little Joe seemed to have died along with Charlotte. This new Joe spent too much time with his own, brooding thoughts. He\u2019d become quiet and withdrawn, and he would disappear for hours at a time. At first the family thought he was seeking comfort at his mother\u2019s grave, as he had always done in the past, but they soon realized Joe wasn\u2019t going there, that in fact he hadn\u2019t been there for more than a year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did his work around the ranch, never questioning anything he was told to do. He no longer wanted to go into Virginia City and only went when he was forced to go for supplies, and then he would leave as soon as the supplies were loaded. When Adam or Hoss would accompany him they would try to get him to relax with them in the saloon, but Joe wasn\u2019t interested and would wait patiently in the wagon until they were ready to head home.<\/span><\/p>\n

As the months passed, signs of life started to appear. Adam learned how to move past the pain of his loss and move on with his life. Charlotte would always hold a special place in his heart, but as he told James, she would want him to move on with his life and find happiness. As Adam came to terms with her death, he was relieved to see Joe starting to relax. He started to participate in life again. He was smiling and his laughter, which had become more noticeable in its absence, had been heard a few times.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then the anniversary of Charlotte\u2019s death drew near. Adam found himself facing it with more hope than despair. Time had passed, and he\u2019d survived, and the world still had surprises to offer him. But with Joe it was different. He once again sank into a deep depression, one worse than the one following the accident. He barely ate, and sleep seemed non-existent. Once again he started disappearing. The family began to worry about him; they feared a repeat of his actions, what had occurred with James Brinkman, only this time there wouldn\u2019t be anyone to thwart his plans.<\/span><\/p>\n

When the anniversary did come, Joe was gone before anyone else was up; when he didn\u2019t return home for dinner that evening they feared the worst.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll find him,\u201d Adam promised as he strapped on his gunbelt and disappeared out the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

The first place Adam looked was Marie\u2019s grave. Joe had gone there a few times in the recent months, but he wasn\u2019t surprised when there wasn\u2019t any sign of his brother even being there recently. Turning Sport away from the bluff, he headed for another spot along the lake where he was pretty sure he would find Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

One afternoon Adam had accidently stumbled upon Joe sitting on a ledge gazing out at the lake. He didn\u2019t make his presence known, nor did he say anything to Joe about it. He did tell Ben and Hoss, but he had stressed to them that they needed to let Joe be.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a place all his own; a place where he feels he can go when he needs some solitude. Let\u2019s let him have it, he needs it and I for one don\u2019t want to take it away from him.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just don\u2019t understand why he doesn\u2019t visit Marie anymore,\u201d remarked Ben.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour words about her are still eatin\u2019 away at him, Pa. He\u2019ll go back when he\u2019s ready. You know how Little Joe has to work things out on his own,\u201d explained Hoss.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Adam could see Joe on that ledge over Lake Tahoe. It was a peaceful place, and the way the ledge was positioned a man could feel that he was alone in the world with only the soft water of the lake rippling around him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Adam said softly as he approached his brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had heard Adam approach but didn\u2019t acknowledge his presence in the hope that he would leave. When he heard Adam call out to him he closed his eyes and sighed. \u201cWhat do you want, Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you alright, Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRight as rain, Adam,\u201d responded Joe as he remembered Adam\u2019s words to Ben that day more than a year ago. Even though Ben had apologized and explained why he had acted the way he did that day, and Joe had forgiven him, there was a part of his heart that still felt as if it were raw and bleeding over how he thought his father had forsaken him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMay I?\u201d Adam asked, indicating a spot next to Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure, you\u2019re here after all,\u201d Joe said grudgingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHave you been here all day?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d He was angry and frustrated with Adam for intruding on him. Joe had thought this was the one place where he would be left alone, but apparently he was wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s beautiful here,\u201d Adam acknowledged while he gazed out at the lake as the sunset made the water shimmer as if it were on fire.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPeaceful, too,\u201d Joe said hoping Adam would get the hint and leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ignoring Joe\u2019s irritated tone Adam went straight to the heart of the matter. \u201cIt\u2019s been a rough year, hasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finally turned and looked at his brother. \u201cYes it has, for both of us,\u201d he responded, then was silent for a minute, staring out over the lake deep in thought. \u201cI learned something in the past year.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh? What\u2019s that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGuns should never be toyed with. Well, actually I knew that already; you, Pa and Hoss made sure I knew that and a lot of other things about handling a gun, but I didn\u2019t always take it seriously. I know a gun is a necessity living out here; it\u2019s also a responsibility but it\u2019s a dangerous one.\u00a0 I know now that I have to\u00a0always<\/em>\u00a0take it seriously\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0no matter how sweetly a girl begs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re growing up, Joe,\u201d Adam said as he smiled at his brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I\u2019m sorry. I know that no matter how many times I say it I\u2019ll never be able to make up for what I took from you. And I know that I have no right to expect your forgiveness.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Joe. I know.\u201d Adam slipped his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders. \u201cI told you we\u2019d get through this, and we have. I\u2019ll always remember Charlotte and what could have been, but I have forgiven you. It was an accident, Joe, a devastating one, but an accident all the same.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back out at the lake, Joe was silent for awhile before he took a deep breath and slowly released it. As he did so it was as if the weight of the world had dropped from his shoulders. \u201cYeah, we have.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Giving Joe\u2019s shoulder a final squeeze, Adam stood up. \u201cYou ready to go home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan you give me a minute?\u201d Joe asked, looking up at his brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be waiting by the horses.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

After Adam was gone Joe closed his eyes and let the serenity of the lake wash over him. He would never forget Charlotte either or what his careless actions had caused. He would have to live with the guilt and regret for the rest of his life, but maybe\u2014just maybe\u2014with the help and guidance of his family, he could learn to forgive himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

Opening his eyes, Joe stood and looked up at the sky. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Charlotte.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned, walking away from the lake where he had spent so many hours lost in guilt.\u00a0 It was time to put the careless boy he\u2019d been behind him.\u00a0 It was time to grow, to become the man he should already have been.<\/span><\/p>\n

He walked towards his brother and his own forgiveness.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go home, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

-The End-<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0A unspeakable tragedy threatens to break apart the close-knit Cartwright family.<\/p>\n

Rated: \u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a014,500\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":77,"featured_media":375,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,41,40],"tags":[916],"class_list":["post-2456","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","category-challenges","tag-rrc","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id","wpcat-40-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":4127,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/coming-soon-5.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1781,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1781","url_meta":{"origin":2456,"position":0},"title":"Purls of Wisdom (by Cheaux)","author":"Cheaux","date":"December 1, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0 One man's trash\u00a0is another's treasure. \u00a0Written for the Dan Blocker 2012 Birthday Challenge \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0 K -- \u00a0WC \u00a0800","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Joe-Hoss.jpg?fit=505%2C638&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4008,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4008","url_meta":{"origin":2456,"position":1},"title":"From Joe to Adam (by Trinity)","author":"Trinity","date":"April 27, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0A type of poem I learned how to write in my English 3 class. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ \u00a0WC \u00a033","rel":"","context":"In "Poetry"","block_context":{"text":"Poetry","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=9"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/adamjoe4.jpg?fit=400%2C319&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3482,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3482","url_meta":{"origin":2456,"position":2},"title":"Killing Cartwrights (by freyakendra)","author":"freyakendra","date":"October 25, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Total, inane, silliness, prompted by Inca challenging writers to do what no one--or mostly no one, anyway--wants to do: actually kill a Cartwright! 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