{"id":2469,"date":"2010-04-30T23:08:03","date_gmt":"2010-05-01T03:08:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2469"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:23:53","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:23:53","slug":"lost-and-found","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2469","title":{"rendered":"Lost and Found (by Laura Brodie)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span> Joe finds love and loses it.\u00a0 This coming of age story has Joe work through the pain of loss to find hidden feelings and old hurts. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0MA (137,230 words)
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

To Be Loved As No Other Series:<\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

To Be Loved as No Other<\/a>
\nLost and Found<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lost and Found \u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Part One: Heaven – <\/strong>A state or place of compete happiness<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. And Mrs. John Larson<\/em>
\nrespectfully request the honor of your presence
\nat the marriage of their daughter\u00a0<\/em>Rebecca Muldrew
\nTo\u00a0<\/em>Joseph Francis Cartwright
\nSon of Mr. Benjamin Cartwright and the late Marie Cartwright
\nOn Saturday evening, the eighteenth of September
\nEighteen Hundred and sixty -two
\nAt seven o\u2019clock in the evening
\nPonderosa Ranch
\nVirginia City, Nevada Territory<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Rebecca was ecstatic to see that the invitations were finished.\u00a0 She had gone to Mrs. Potter that morning in hopes of simply seeing how they looked. She was surprised to find all of the invitations had been written and addressed.\u00a0 Rebecca returned home, reading and rereading the invitation.\u00a0 It was hard for her to believe it was actually true. She and Joe would soon be husband and wife. She said it out loud, \u201cMrs. Joseph Cartwright.\u201d\u00a0 She ran the title over in her head.\u00a0 No, she thought, it would be Rebecca Cartwright, wife of Joe Cartwright. She liked that much better.<\/p>\n

Rebecca was lost in a daydream of the wedding when there was a knock at the door.\u00a0 She tore herself away from her thoughts and answered it.\u00a0 Standing there was her fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u00a0 What a surprise.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d get to see you until Friday evening.\u201d\u00a0 She said, as she jumped into his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you kidding?\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t wait that long.\u00a0 I told Pa I would pick up the supplies, but I think he knew my real reason for wanting to come into town.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, giving Rebecca a big smile and a squeeze.\u00a0 \u201cAre you gonna ask me in, or are we gonna give Mrs. Woods across the street more to gossip about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet her talk, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca moved aside for Joe to enter.\u00a0 \u201cMy mama is in the kitchen, so come on in.\u201d\u00a0 He removed his hat, as he crossed the threshold.\u00a0 Rebecca knew that although Joe and she were engaged, her parents still expected her to have a chaperone if Joe was in the house.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Mrs. Woods,\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca called across the street.\u00a0 \u201cBeautiful day isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Joe and I are going to go in and talk now.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca shut the door, and both she and Joe laughed heartily.<\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, I can\u2019t believe you.\u00a0 Sometimes you make me look like a saint.\u201d\u00a0 Joe shook his head smiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow I wouldn\u2019t say that!\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca then called to her mother, \u201cMother, Joe\u2019s here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Larson came into the living room from the kitchen.\u00a0 \u201cWell hello, Little Joe.\u00a0 How\u2019s your Pa and brothers?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re just fine, Mrs. Larson.\u00a0 How are you?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was always nervous talking to Rebecca\u2019s mother.\u00a0 He felt maybe she knew some of the less than \u201cgentlemanly thoughts\u201d he had about her daughter.\u00a0 He stood fumbling with his hat in his hands.\u00a0 At that moment, Rebecca took the hat to hang up on the hat tree, leaving Joe more uncomfortable without his ready made distraction.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I\u2019m doin\u2019 good, Joe. Can you stay for supper tonight?\u201d\u00a0 Mrs. Larson asked, as she noticed his nervousness.\u00a0 She had seen his confidence with her daughter, but he seemed much younger when he talked to her or her husband.\u00a0 She found his manner endearing.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, can ya, Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca excitedly asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Rebecca,\u00a0 I can\u2019t. I gotta get supplies back to the ranch, but maybe we could go for a ride before I head back?\u201d\u00a0 Joe offered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell Mama?\u00a0 Can I?\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca asked, not taking her eyes off of her fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u00a0 You two have fun and be careful.\u00a0 Rebecca, supper is promptly at six.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know Mama.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you worry Mrs. Larson.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have her back in plenty of time.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, wanting to show he was responsible.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I trust you Joe.\u00a0 You kids have a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Larson\u2019s could not be happier about the engagement of Joe to their daughter.\u00a0 The Cartwright\u2019s had been family friends for years, and they had known Joe since he was a little boy.\u00a0 For a long time Mrs. Larson had known that her daughter was in love with Little Joe.\u00a0 She would watch how Rebecca looked at Joe when he was not looking at her. Now she saw how Joe looked at her daughter.\u00a0 It was just as obvious that Joe loved her daughter deeply.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Larson allowed Joe and Rebecca more privacy than most mothers would approve of, but she felt the two should be enjoying themselves right now.\u00a0 She knew Joe was brought up in a good family and respected her daughter.\u00a0 She had heard the rumors and talk about Joe, but she found it rather amusing and without merit.\u00a0 He never had done anything to shame a girl..\u00a0 He just liked to flirt a lot.\u00a0 And Mrs. Larson also knew her daughter.\u00a0 Little Joe Cartwright had met his match as far as Rebecca being able to stand toe-to -toe with him.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Larson walked back into the kitchen and returned to her baking.<\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca were on the way out the door when Rebecca stopped. \u201cOh, Joe I almost forgot.\u00a0 Before we go, look, we got the invitations back from Mrs. Potter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rebecca proudly handed the invitation to Joe. He read it over and found his heart skipping a beat.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t because he was afraid.\u00a0 It was because he could not believe that he was actually going to get to make Rebecca his bride.\u00a0 Joe had felt more peace and happiness over the last six months than he had ever experienced.\u00a0 He knew it was because of her, and how he was when he was with her.\u00a0 \u201cLets bring this along with us.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, but added in a whispered,\u00a0 \u201cLets find some time alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood idea.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca whispered back, and they walked out the door.<\/p>\n

As they walked down the path from the house to the road, Joe apologized. \u201cSorry all I\u2019ve got is the buckboard. It rides rough, but that just means you have to hold on to me tight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh and isn\u2019t that a tragedy!\u201d\u00a0 She flirted back.<\/p>\n

\u201dSure is. \u201d Joe said taking her by her waist to help her up onto the buckboard.\u00a0 But before he lifted her, he turned her towards him, their eyes locked, and he held her there for a minute.\u00a0 So much went unsaid in words, but so much was said by his look.\u00a0 Then Joe gently helped Rebecca up and into the wagon and followed behind her.\u00a0 He gathered the reins and signaled the horses to move forward.<\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca had their favorite place to go to when they wanted to be alone.\u00a0 Rebecca knew a lot of the people in town would frown upon her being alone with Joe, but she really did not care what they thought.\u00a0 She did not though, want to embarrass her parents.\u00a0 The more she thought about it, the more she found it funny that when everyone knew Joe and Rebecca were friends, no one thought twice about the two of them doing things together. Now that everyone knew they were courting and now engaged, she felt like she was watched every minute she was with him. She had shared this with Joe, and he laughed and had told her he had felt the same way.<\/p>\n

In order to remove themselves from prying eyes and to be able talk freely, Joe and Rebecca had found their own place to go when they were fortunate enough to be alone, although those times were rare.\u00a0 They had chosen a small, quiet meadow on the Ponderosa that had a grove of tall trees and a pond.\u00a0 The meadow was special to them because they had played there many times as children.\u00a0 It had been in that meadow that Joe had kissed Rebecca when they were only ten.\u00a0 They had chosen the place again to be a place where they could kiss.<\/p>\n

It was to this place that Joe drove the buckboard.\u00a0 During the drive to the meadow, Rebecca asked Joe to start to teach her how to drive a team of horses.\u00a0 He patiently began showing her how he did it, and she enthusiastically watched.\u00a0 It was in doing things such as this, that Joe found himself the happiest.\u00a0 He had never been as comfortable with a girl as he was with Rebecca.\u00a0 And her genuine interest in him and the things he did, made him feel important.<\/p>\n

In the beginning of their romantic relationship, it had been uncomfortable between them.\u00a0 There had been the initial awkwardness of redefining who they were with each other.\u00a0 Quickly though, they were able to return to the rhythm of their friendship, and the love between them grew naturally.<\/p>\n

Joe pulled the horses to a stop and dismounted the wagon\u00a0 He walked around and reached for Rebecca, put his arms around her waist and gently helped her down.\u00a0 They held hands and walked lazily over to the grove of trees and sat down.<\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, can I see that invitation again?\u201d Joe asked.\u00a0 Rebecca handed it to him and watched him reread it. Joe looked over the invitation and broke out laughing.\u00a0 \u201cMuldrew? Your middle name is actually Muldrew?\u00a0 Where\u2019d your folks get that one from?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop it.\u201d\u00a0 She said laughing herself and playfully hitting him on the shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no, this is good.\u201d \u00a0Joe continued to laugh.\u00a0 \u201cWhat exactly is a Muldrew?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was laughing so hard it was hard to talk and he fell over on his side.\u00a0 \u201cI thought my middle name was bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you quit it!\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca was also laughing harder.\u00a0 \u201cMuldrew is my mother\u2019s maiden name.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo bad her maiden name wasn\u2019t Ann or Sue, huh?\u201d\u00a0 Joe quipped.\u00a0 \u201cHey, and anyway, how come our middle names are even on here?\u00a0 From the looks of it, I don\u2019t think either one of us would benefit from this type of advertisin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe weren\u2019t you listening when I told you I\u2019d gotten that manners book from Carson City when I got the material for my dress?\u00a0 In the book it says that this is the way wedding invitations are supposed to be written.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had heard a lot about the manners book since Rebecca had gotten it.\u00a0 He did not understand why there was so much that had to be done about a wedding, and why it had to be done a certain way.\u00a0 He did not care if they got married in the saloon, just as long as she married him.\u00a0 But Joe was wanting Rebecca to have the wedding she had dreamed of since she was a little girl, so he humored her.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf that is the way its supposed to be, then by all means, lets do it.\u201d Joe responded.\u00a0 \u201cDoes your manners book say anything about me kissing you right now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs a matter of fact it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, it does now?\u00a0 What does it say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt says that young, handsome, deep green-eyed, dark curly-haired, smooth-talking men are not to be trusted.\u00a0 They even have lecherous thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh it does, does it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said moving in close to her and putting his hands on her shoulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt also says that those type men I just described are about the best kissers in the territory.\u201d\u00a0 She said, smiling at him.\u00a0 Joe kissed her deeply and she responded in kind.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you so much, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca said, as they broke their embrace.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you too.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said and laid down comfortably on his side, propping himself up on one elbow.<\/p>\n

\u201c Joe, are you still having those nightmares?\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca asked.<\/p>\n

Joe had confided in her that he was having nightmares from his ordeal with Katherine LaGrande.\u00a0 He had not discussed what Katherine had said and done to him with anyone except Rebecca.\u00a0 He really did not like to think about it, but he had found that talking to Rebecca made the dreams occur less often.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but not as often.\u00a0 I had one night before last.\u00a0 It seems that they\u2019re worse when I\u2019m really tired, and I was exhausted that night.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI worry about you.\u00a0 Its been over six months since that happened.\u201d\u00a0 She looked at him, the concern showing on her face.<\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, you don\u2019t need to worry. LaGrande is dead, and I\u2019ve mended up just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I know you so well, and I know that you keep things on your mind for a long time.\u201d She looked at him with worry in her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think of it much any other time.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t control what I dream about, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other things do you dream about, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not tellin\u2019,\u201d He teased.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh come on Joe, tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d\u00a0 He said, putting a long strand of grass in his mouth and chewing the end.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou ever dream about me?\u201d\u00a0 She asked him while she carelessly played with his hair.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yeah!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said a little too enthusiastically.<\/p>\n

The way Joe answered caught her attention.\u00a0 \u201cSo tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh uh.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was embarrassed at the way his answer had popped out.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease?\u201d\u00a0 She begged.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA fella\u2019s gotta have some secrets.\u00a0 Anyway doesn\u2019t your manners book say something about bein\u2019 too nosy?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said attempting to change the subject.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not being nosy, I\u2019m just gettin\u2019 to know my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe liked the sound of that and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, Bec,\u201d Joe had called her Bec before they had fallen in love.\u00a0 They had been childhood friends, and he had treated her like one of his male friends until she had saved his life.\u00a0 She had told him later that she had liked to be called Rebecca, more so than Bec.\u00a0 Joe had taken to calling her Rebecca, but every so often he slipped and called her Bec.\u00a0 Rebecca found his occasional slips to be sweet.\u00a0 \u201cI was thinkin\u2019 over what happened to me with that woman, and you know what is strange about it?\u00a0 She was talkin\u2019 all this about love, and how much she loved me, but in the whole thing I found real love… and that\u2019s you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe that\u2019s sweet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo it\u2019s true. \u00a0I\u2019ve been so happy these past months. Now don\u2019t get me wrong. I\u2019m not about to thank her, but it\u2019s just odd.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe until you kissed me that day, I doubted I would\u2019ve ever been here with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe thought about that day and then began to think about the past six months…<\/p>\n

After being injured, Joe spent many days just sitting around the ranch letting his body heal. He had been violently attacked by the mad woman, and his body took time to mend.\u00a0 That required him to live a much more sedate life than he was used to.\u00a0 It was after Rebecca visited him, and he had kissed her, that he found himself unable to go very long without thinking of her.\u00a0 He was amazed that she was so beautiful.\u00a0 He had seen her so many times before that day, but on that day, he actually noticed her.\u00a0 Since he had kissed her, he spent time wondering when he could see her again.<\/p>\n

The two had know each other since they were both seven and attended school together.\u00a0 Joe had attended the school since age six, and Rebecca was new to town, her family having just moved from St. Louis.\u00a0 Joe had a knack for being disruptive in class and was always being moved from one seat to another by a desperate teacher attempting to find some place for him that would keep him out of trouble.\u00a0 Many of his disruptions came from the mere fact that Joe was a very active little boy, and found sitting in a seat for very long as being equated with torture. It was during one of these frequent moves that Joe was put behind a little girl with long brunette braids, Rebecca Larson.\u00a0 She towered over Joe, and he had a hard time seeing around her.\u00a0 It was not that she was necessarily so tall, it was that he was so small.\u00a0\u00a0 Throughout his childhood he had been much smaller than the rest of the children his age.\u00a0 Joe did not seem to let this slow him down because for the most part, he saw himself in his mind as the same size as his fellow classmates.\u00a0 It was when someone reminded him this was not the case that Joe became very angry and a fight would often result.<\/p>\n

The time of Joe and Rebecca\u2019s official meeting was a hot spring day, and Joe was bored in class, as usual.\u00a0 He was glad to hide behind someone, but found that just sitting there was not fun either.\u00a0 That was when he had gotten the idea to try and put the little girl\u2019s hair in his inkwell without her noticing.\u00a0 He had been successful at keeping his victim unaware, and in his confidence he then attempted to write his name on his paper with his makeshift pen.\u00a0 At that time, Rebecca felt the tugging on her hair and pulled her braid back around to her front.\u00a0 The ink on her hair flew onto the clothes of the girl in front of Rebecca.\u00a0 There was a small commotion, and the little girl whose dress was ruined glared at Rebecca.<\/p>\n

Later, during recess, the girl with the damaged clothing had gathered some of her friends and began to pick on Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe saw this happening and noticed the look on Rebecca\u2019s face.\u00a0 It was a cross between anger and fear.\u00a0 Joe felt bad about what he had done, saw she was out numbered, and stepped in. He took on the group of girls on Rebecca\u2019s behalf.\u00a0 The result of his intervention was a black eye for Joe.\u00a0 Rebecca then punched the girl who had punched Joe and put her in the dirt.\u00a0 It was then that he and Rebecca became fast friends.\u00a0 Joe had found it neat that a girl could punch so good.<\/p>\n

It took a while for Joe to live down the fact he had been punched by a girl, but he felt good that his Pa told him he had done the right thing in defending Rebecca, and not hitting the girl back.\u00a0 However, he was reprimanded for having put Rebecca in the situation in the first place.\u00a0 It was from this encounter that their long-term friendship and then courtship began.<\/p>\n

Ben had been witness to the kiss Joe had given Rebecca after being attacked.\u00a0 He noticed his son had been oblivious to the fact that both his father and Rebecca\u2019s father, John had been standing near by. Since that time, Ben had noticed Joe was talking about Rebecca a lot.\u00a0 He found himself thinking he would be very happy if Joe fell for that particular young lady.\u00a0 She was a fine girl.\u00a0 The only girl Ben thought he had seen who could handle his wild son.\u00a0 The other girls Joe had shown some interest in seemed to be lacking that quality.\u00a0 His father knew whomever Joe chose as his wife, she had to be a woman who was strong and full of life.\u00a0 He knew Rebecca to be both.<\/p>\n

Joe was restless.\u00a0 He was not used to staying in one place for very long, and it was getting to him.\u00a0 He had done as his Pa had said and had taken it easy as long as he thought he could.\u00a0 He still hurt at times, but he did not want it to slow him down.\u00a0 He was missing his friends, and he could not believe that he was missing doing work around the ranch.\u00a0 Most of all he was missing seeing Bec.\u00a0 He was trying to figure a way to get to see her when his Pa spoke.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, would you like to ride into town with me today?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was taken aback. His Pa was actually asking him if he wanted to go to town?\u00a0 \u201cYeah, sure Pa.\u00a0 What\u2019d you have to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, some banking and I need to meet with the Cattleman\u2019s Association.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm, do you think I could have some time to see a couple of my friends?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I could probably spare the time.\u201d\u00a0 Ben smiled.\u00a0 He thought he knew who Joe really wanted to see.<\/p>\n

Ben noticed that Joe lit up.\u00a0 \u201cOh good Pa. I\u2019d like to see… um everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you feel strong enough to ride Cochise, or should we take a buggy?\u201d\u00a0 Ben looked at his son with concern.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Pa, I\u2019m feelin\u2019 pretty good.\u00a0 I\u2019d rather have Cochise to get around in town.\u201d\u00a0 Actually it was uncomfortable to ride, and Joe had not done much since he was hurt, but he wanted to have the freedom of having his own horse in town.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, we\u2019ll take it easy on the ride in.\u00a0 Lets saddle up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben and Joe rode side by side across the Ponderosa towards town.\u00a0 As they rode, Ben noticed his son trying to quicken the pace.\u00a0 He tended to worry about Joe more so than his other two, because he felt his son did not worry enough.\u00a0 \u201cSon, hold her back some.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, referring to Cochise.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t need to do a whole lot of bouncing around.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had grown used to his father fussing over him, but he really did not want to draw out the ride.\u00a0 He kept thinking of going to Bec\u2019s house, and that caused him to give Cochise more reign, resulting in Cochise picking up the pace.\u00a0 He had though, been feeling pain in his back from the ride and knew his father was probably right.\u00a0 It just seemed that it was taking too long.<\/p>\n

When they entered town, Joe was quick to ask, \u201cWell Pa, can I take off and meet you some place later?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben had to smile at his son\u2019s eagerness. \u201cSure Joe. How \u2018bout in the International House at say, oh five o\u2019clock.\u00a0 I\u2019ll buy you supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe went to ride off, but his father\u2019s words stopped him.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you behave yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will, I will.\u201d And with that, Joe rode off in a gallop.<\/p>\n

Ben watched his son ride off.\u00a0 He shook his head and wondered if his son ever slowed down.<\/p>\n

Joe headed straight to Bec\u2019s house.\u00a0 As he rode he found himself starting to get nervous.\u00a0 That was a new feeling for him in regards to Bec and to girls in general.\u00a0 Before, he\u2019d never thought twice about going to her house and seeing what she was up to. But now he had so many thoughts about her that had changed his feelings, and he was not sure he could talk to her.\u00a0 Joe thought to himself. \u201cNow there\u2019s a first.\u00a0 I can\u2019t come up with something to say to a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe had a talent for flirting with girls that was legendary.\u00a0 He seemed to be able to read each one and tell them what he knew they wanted to hear.\u00a0 He had enjoyed kissing and flirting with different girls, and he had to admit he liked the attention. Though this time, he knew it was very different. He would never had these feelings he had inside of him regarding a girl, and he knew he had to tell her.<\/p>\n

He arrived at the Larson home without a good idea as to how he was going to talk to Bec.\u00a0 He did not have much of a chance to think after he dismounted, because she came around the corner at that moment.\u00a0 \u201cHey Joe!\u201d Rebecca called out.\u00a0 She had a big smile on her face, so happy to see him again.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, hey Bec.\u00a0 How are you?\u201d\u00a0 He looked at her, and his heart skipped a beat.\u00a0 She was dressed in her usual work clothes, not all done up like she had been when she visited him at the ranch, but he saw her in the same light he had seen her that day.\u00a0 He realized that he would have a different reaction to the sight of Rebecca Larson from now on.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m just fine.\u00a0 More importantly how are you?\u00a0 Here, come over and lets sit down.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca said motioning towards the porch.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe couldn\u2019t believe it was so hard to talk.\u00a0 He moved to the porch and sat next to her.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m doin\u2019 fine, thanks to you and Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad you\u2019re okay Joe.\u00a0 That whole ordeal was so scary. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah it was.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was not wanting to think about what had happened to him. He quickly changed the subject.\u00a0 \u201cSo, tell me what\u2019s new around here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rebecca began to update Joe on the events around town.\u00a0 Joe looked into her eyes as she talked, but found that he only half heard her. He kept thinking of how good her hair had smelled and the kiss they shared.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe? Hello Joe?\u201d Rebecca questioned.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh, \u2026oh, what\u2019d you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere were you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUm, just thinkin\u2019 about stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s nothing\u201d\u00a0 Joe said blushing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s with you?\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem yourself.\u00a0 This is the quietest I have ever heard you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell uh, its just, uh\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpit it out, Joe.\u00a0 Why are you so nervous?\u201d<\/p>\n

Should he tell her? He wondered to himself.\u00a0 What should he say?\u00a0 He took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cBec, um, Rebecca I uh, I\u2019ve been thinkin\u2019…\u201d<\/p>\n

Rebecca started to become nervous herself.\u00a0 She had dreamed of the kiss they shared over and over.\u00a0 She thought maybe she had a chance with Joe, but what if he was trying to tell her he didn\u2019t feel the same way she did?<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what you said on the, um ride back to the house, when um that stuff had happened. And you know when I, uh, kissed you?<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Joe?\u201d She asked tentatively. Her heart was starting to sink.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I um…\u201d\u00a0 Joe was frustrated at himself because what he wanted to say was not coming out right. He told himself to just say it. \u201c Well hell, Bec, I love you too.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cOh boy, that didn\u2019t come out right.\u201d<\/p>\n

At first she did not think she heard him right.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019d you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, Bec I had a hard enough time saying it the first time.\u00a0 Now you want me to say it again?\u201d<\/p>\n

What he had said had already registered, and she smiled big.\u00a0 \u201cUh huh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, Rebecca Larson.\u00a0 How\u2019s that?\u201d\u00a0 Her smile had made it easy for him to say it again.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe Cartwright,\u00a0 That\u2019s the most beautiful thing you have ever said.\u201d Rebecca said, hugging him.<\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca continued to talk, and Joe finally relaxed.\u00a0 He got nervous again when he thought about taking her hand and holding it.\u00a0 He took a deep breath and reached out and took it.\u00a0 She squeezed his ever so lightly, and he again relaxed.\u00a0 Joe was thrilled.<\/p>\n

A little later, David and Richard came along and saw Joe sitting on the porch with Rebecca.\u00a0 As they walked up they saw Joe holding her hand.\u00a0 \u201cMy, my, my what do we have here?\u201d Richard chided.<\/p>\n

Richard and David were Joe\u2019s best friends, well Joe\u2019s best male friends, and they had spent many hours together talking and getting into trouble.\u00a0 Before they had discovered girls, the boys would play together for hours.\u00a0 They would make up whole scenarios of Indians attacking and cowboys shooting.\u00a0 They could do this for hours on end and never run out of energy.\u00a0 After the three had discovered the opposite sex, they would take their girls out together.<\/p>\n

Joe felt himself blush all over.\u00a0 He had not thought about what David and Richard would do about all this.\u00a0 Joe knew David had liked Rebecca in the past because David had confided in him.\u00a0 Joe hoped this would not wreck their friendship.\u00a0 \u201cUh, hey guys. What \u2018cha up to?\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to make it sound like nothing was out of the ordinary.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re not up to much, but looks like you two are.\u201d\u00a0 David responded, nodding towards Joe and Rebecca\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, uh we\u2019re just talkin\u2019 s\u2019all.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said in their defense.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo Rebecca, you finally landed him, huh?\u201d\u00a0 Richard asked her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d\u00a0 she questioned.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh David and I have had a bet goin\u2019 for some time now. We were bettin\u2019 when Joe would wake up and realize you were in love with him. Hey David, you owe me a dollar.\u201d\u00a0 Richard turned to collect his money from his friend.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m real touched fellas that my love life would be of such interest to you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe mine is so interesting, because yours is so dull.\u00a0 I can give both of you some pointers on how to round yourself up a filly if you\u2019d like.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, if it takes what you went through to catch a girl, I don\u2019t think I\u2019m willing to do that just yet.\u201d\u00a0 David responded.<\/p>\n

Rebecca interrupted, \u201cWait a sec\u2019 Joe.\u00a0 You rounded me up?\u00a0 Now I have heard everything.\u00a0 And as far as giving these two boys pointers, I think it\u2019d be better if I did it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The four spent the rest of the afternoon talking and kidding around together.\u00a0 David and Richard had left before Joe had to say good bye to Rebecca. When that time came, he became nervous once again.\u00a0 He had wanted to kiss her all day long, and now was his opportunity.\u00a0 He held his hat in his hand and turned it over and over.\u00a0 Rebecca stood looking at Joe wanting him to kiss her.\u00a0 He put his hat on his saddle horn and turned to her.\u00a0 Their eyes locked and they both smiled.\u00a0 He leaned in and kissed her softly.\u00a0 Joe could have stayed there kissing her all night, but knew they\u2019d better quit before her parents came out of the house with a shotgun.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell Bec, I\u2019d better go.\u201d\u00a0 he said, a little sad.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. I wish you didn\u2019t have to.\u00a0 When are you going to be in town again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m gonna come in any chance I get.\u00a0 You can bet on that!\u201d\u00a0 he said, mounting Cochise.\u00a0 He turned and rode off, but he kept looking back at her until he rounded the corner.<\/p>\n

*************<\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca\u2019s courtship was quickly noticed by everyone.\u00a0 The first to notice was Ben, Hoss and Adam.\u00a0 Joe did not tell them he was courting Rebecca, but each had a sneaking suspicion.\u00a0 It was his behavior around the ranch that put them on to him.\u00a0 Joe was doing his chores quickly and without complaining.\u00a0 Ben was shocked one day to hear whistling coming from the barn… and it was Little Joe.\u00a0 The shocking part had been Joe was working at the time, straightening up in the barn when he hadn\u2019t even been asked.<\/p>\n

At dinner one night, almost two weeks after Joe had told Rebecca he loved her, Ben decided to see if Joe would admit to his seeing Rebecca romantically.\u00a0 \u201cWell Joseph, you\u2019ve been doing a fine job around here lately son.\u00a0 To what do we owe the change in your attitude?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cChange in attitude?\u00a0 What do you mean?\u201d\u00a0 Joe had a sneaking suspicion of where his father was going with the question, but wanted to stall as long as possible.\u00a0 He knew he would hear no end of it from Hoss and Adam once he admitted he was in love with Rebecca.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell son, not that I am complaining at all, mind you, but you have been bouncing around this place and seem to actually be enjoying work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow Pa, I wouldn\u2019t push it that far.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said teasing Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo Pa, I wouldn\u2019t say that either.\u00a0 Little Joe\u2019s not bouncin\u2019 around here \u2018cause of work.\u00a0 There\u2019s a gal involved for sure.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss joined in on the fun.<\/p>\n

Joe felt himself blush.\u00a0 He thought he might as well just tell them and get it over with.\u00a0 \u201cAs a matter of fact older brother, there is a certain gal in my life, if you have to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell out with it, who is she?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked.\u00a0 They all knew who she was, but it was great fun to put Joe on the spot.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow Adam, have I asked you who the woman in your life is right now?\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to get the focus off of himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo you don\u2019t, Joe.\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about your love life, not mine.\u201d\u00a0 Adam quickly caught on.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, we are just happy for you.\u00a0 Rebecca is a wonderful girl.\u201d\u00a0 Ben helped his youngest son out.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve known?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, realizing they had already figured it out.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I have no idea how you win so much at poker, \u2018cause your face always gives you away.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss responded<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, I usually don\u2019t play poker with people who\u2019ve made it their job to needle me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered, smiling at his brother.<\/p>\n

They spent the rest of the evening teasing Joe.\u00a0 He took it well and threw back several good ones of his own.\u00a0 Ben sat back and listened to his boys and smiled. These were the times he loved most of all, when there were no major problems and the boys were getting along.<\/p>\n

************<\/p>\n

After Joe had told Rebecca how he felt, he took every chance he could to go to town and see her.\u00a0 They soon began the formal process of courting.\u00a0 This was done by Joe asking Rebecca\u2019s father if it was all right with him if they courted.\u00a0 He had survived the process, but barely.\u00a0 Joe had been violently ill before talking to Mr. Larson and was sure Mr. Larson was gonna string him up for asking.\u00a0 After Rebecca\u2019s father had agreed , Joe became cheerful and easy going.\u00a0 His mood seemed to have permeated the Ponderosa and things were light and carefree.\u00a0 Ben was in town himself one day and ran into John Larson while at the bank.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello there Ben.\u00a0 How are you?\u201d\u00a0 John greeted.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoin\u2019 fine, John. Just fine.\u00a0 How are you and Maggie and Rebecca?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re all just fine, Rebecca especially. \u201c\u00a0 John said, knowing Ben would understand the comment.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh yes.\u00a0 Little Joe is happier than I\u2019ve ever seen him.\u201d\u00a0 Ben responded.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour Joe and my Rebecca, Ben, can you believe it?\u00a0 I\u2019ve gotten to talk to Joe more since he has been coming around, and Ben he\u2019s a fine boy.\u00a0 And Maggie is so happy that Rebecca is dressing in dresses since she and Joe started courting.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJohn, I\u2019ve always been fond of your daughter, and I believe she is a wonderful influence on my son.\u00a0 You let me know if he doesn\u2019t behave himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh Ben,\u00a0 Joe\u2019s been a perfect gentleman.\u00a0 You raised him right.\u00a0 Maggie and I know that.\u201d\u00a0 John was quick to put Ben\u2019s concerns to rest.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad to hear that.\u201d\u00a0 Ben knew his son was a good person\u00a0 and would not do anything malicious, but he also knew his son was impulsive and sometimes acted before he thought.\u00a0 Ben made a mental note to talk to Joe when he got back to the ranch.<\/p>\n

Later that evening after Joe had turned in, Ben decided to have the talk he knew he should have with his youngest. He wanted to remind Joe to remember the consequences of his actions before he acted.\u00a0 Ben had found this approach had sometimes worked with his impulsive son.\u00a0 He knocked on Joe\u2019s door.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, come in.\u201d Joe called out, and Ben entered the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, hey Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe put down the book he was reading and sat up to look at his father.<\/p>\n

Ben came over and sat at the foot of Joe\u2019s bed.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I\u2019d like to talk with you a moment if you don\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe quickly tried to think if there was anything he had done wrong lately.<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw John Larson in town today, and he told me how pleased he and Mrs. Larson are that you are courting Rebecca.\u00a0 I just wanted to talk to you about making sure you think through your actions with Rebecca carefully.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019d ya mean Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, a woman\u2019s reputation is important…\u201d Ben began.<\/p>\n

Joe immediately became uncomfortable.\u00a0 His Pa had already had this talk with him quite some time ago, as had Adam.\u00a0 \u201cPa I know that.\u201d \u00a0Joe responded, hoping his father would cut the talk short.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me finish now, son.\u00a0 You and Rebecca together pleases me greatly, but I know you are young and there are some decisions to be made with some serious consequences.\u00a0 I want you to think through those decisions before you do anything.\u00a0 You do not want to hurt Rebecca, her parents, yourself, or your family.\u00a0 Joe, you know the way I raised you and my opinion of how men and women should behave.\u00a0 I know you also have to make your own decision about this. Just think things through.\u201d<\/p>\n

All the while Ben spoke, Joe starred at his feet.\u00a0 He was not sure how he felt about the subject.\u00a0 Joe had never shared with his father about the decisions he had made in this area.\u00a0 He knew that there were the women who \u201cdid\u201d and the women who \u201cdidn\u2019t\u201d, and he had known a few of the women who \u201cdid\u201d.\u00a0 He started wondering if he should tell Rebecca about it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know what was the best thing to do, and he was not sure with whom he could discuss it.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe are you listening to me?\u201d\u00a0 Ben said noting the lack of eye contact from his son.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, Yeah Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m listening.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry I\u2019m not gonna do anything foolish, I promise.\u201d Joe answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I trust you.\u00a0 I just want you to think about what I\u2019ve said.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will Pa. Don\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell goodnight, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201d\u2019Night Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

After his father left, Joe continued to think about what Ben had said.\u00a0 No one had to tell him it was hard to be around Rebecca and not want more.\u00a0 He knew he did not want to pressure her into something she was not ready for.\u00a0 That left him trying to cope with his own reactions to such a beautiful girl.\u00a0 When things would start to get to him with Rebecca, and he knew he was on the brink of doing something he may regret, he had taken to thinking of all the different ways he could tie a knot.\u00a0 So far it had distracted him enough so he had not put any undo pressure on her.\u00a0 He figured that it had worked pretty well so far, so he\u2019d keep handling the problem in the same manner.<\/p>\n

*************<\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca had been courting for over four months.\u00a0 They spent endless hours talking and kissing.\u00a0 He was deeply in love and thought it was time he took Rebecca to his special place: to his mother\u2019s grave.\u00a0 Rebecca knew the loss of Joe\u2019s mother was a hard subject for him to talk about.\u00a0 He tended to get angry if anyone brought it up and seemed to hold a lot of pain inside about it.\u00a0 When he asked her if she would ride out with him to the grave, Rebecca was deeply touched.\u00a0 Joe was quiet for much of the ride.\u00a0 He wanted Rebecca to know how much the place he was taking her to meant to him.\u00a0 He wished he could have his mother there alive to meet the woman he loved.\u00a0 He thought this was one way for them to meet.<\/p>\n

As they arrived by the lake, Rebecca spoke, \u201cIt\u2019s so beautiful up here.\u00a0 It feels like heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I think that too…So did my mother.\u201d\u00a0 Joe helped her off her horse and walked her over to Marie Cartwright\u2019s tombstone.\u00a0 He stood in front of it as he had so many times before. Rebecca took his hand.\u00a0 She looked into his face and saw tears.\u00a0 \u201cRebecca I wish so much I could share all of this with her.\u00a0 I wish she could meet you and see all of the things I love about you.\u201d\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t talk anymore.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I wish I could have met her too.\u00a0 I know she would be very proud of her son, and the man he has become.\u00a0 Thank you so much for sharing this with me.\u00a0 I love you.\u201d\u00a0 She kissed his cheek lightly and gently wiped the tears running down his face.<\/p>\n

They spent most of the afternoon that day at Marie\u2019s grave.\u00a0 Joe opened up and told her about his mother\u2019s life and her tragic death.\u00a0 He told the story from the information his family had given him, as well as from his own memories.\u00a0 Joe recalled for her his memories of the sights and sounds of his mother.\u00a0 He told her of the stories he remembered his mother reading to him, the songs she sang, and the way she smelled of rose water.\u00a0 Joe pulled out the silver locket he always carried with him and opened it to show Rebecca the picture inside.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was very beautiful.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca said, noticing the resemblance between mother and son.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, she was.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said taking the locket back.\u00a0 He stood looking at his mother\u2019s picture as he spoke.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got this memory, at least I think it\u2019s a memory.\u201c\u00a0 Joe spoke quietly through his tears. \u201cI can see my mother\u2019s coffin going into the ground.\u00a0 When I remember it, I have this feeling like I\u2019ve lost everything – Pa, my brothers.\u00a0 I even feel like I\u2019ve lost contact with the ground up under my feet.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I even really remember being at my mother\u2019s funeral, though.\u00a0 Pa told me I was there, but I just don\u2019t know… You know that\u2019s something that bothers me about her death.\u00a0 I can\u2019t remember much, and I really want to.\u00a0 It seems the older I get, the more my mother is slipping away from my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rebecca sat and listened to him and said very little.\u00a0 She knew how hard it was for him to talk about it, and she didn\u2019t want to interfere with what she knew Joe needed to say.\u00a0 When he finished talking, he felt tired and sad.\u00a0 Rebecca felt so close to him at that moment.\u00a0 Joe reached out and took her hand and lead her to the horses.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for letting me get that out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I love you and I want to be there to help you.\u00a0 You are the most important thing in my life.\u201d\u00a0 He kissed her passionately and wanted her desperately.<\/p>\n

***************<\/p>\n

It was after he had taken Rebecca up to his mother\u2019s grave, that he knew he wanted to marry her.\u00a0 He had felt so complete since he had shared his heart with her.\u00a0 He knew it was the right thing to do.\u00a0 He decided to talk to his Pa before he asked Mr. Larson for Rebecca\u2019s hand.\u00a0 Joe waited to talk until he knew his brothers were out of earshot.\u00a0 He walked up to his father\u2019s desk and began to speak.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, can I talk to you?\u201d Joe asked, feeling nervous.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure, Joe what\u2019s on your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sat in the chair opposite his father\u2019s desk.\u00a0 This was a very familiar scene between father and son.\u00a0 However, it was usually a time when Joe was in trouble, and Ben was doling out punishments.\u00a0 \u201cPa. I\u2019ve thought a lot about this, and I know I\u2019m young, but I want to ask Rebecca\u2019s Pa if he\u2019d let Rebecca marry me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben had seen this coming for awhile and had spent a considerable amount of time thinking about it.\u00a0 Ben knew Rebecca was the best thing that had happened to his son.\u00a0 He also knew Joe had settled down considerably since courting her.\u00a0 However Ben was concerned that his son was so young, not necessarily chronologically, but more that Joe seemed to be emotionally younger than most seventeen year olds.\u00a0 He believed in his son, though.\u00a0 Ben did not feel he could say no to Joe and keep his relationship with him.\u00a0 He had to give Joe his trust.\u00a0 Ben just wanted to make sure he helped the young couple out as much as possible.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I\u2019m not real surprised you\u2019re thinking this way.\u201d\u00a0 Ben started and leaned back in his chair.\u00a0 \u201cWhat kind of plans have you thought about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m startin\u2019 to run the horse operation here, and if you are willin\u2019 to let me stay with that, I think I could continue to turn it into a money maker.\u00a0 That will give me a way of making some money.\u00a0 I\u2019ve put some aside, and I\u2019m replacing the savings I lost from the uh…fight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know the horse operation is yours.\u00a0 What have you thought about regarding living arrangements?\u201d Ben queried.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was thinkin\u2019 of using that land you gave me to build a house on.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered.\u00a0 Ben had given each of his boys some land on the Ponderosa that was theirs alone, and he was pleased Joe was thinking of staying on the ranch.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Joseph.\u00a0 Sounds like you\u2019ve put some thought into this.\u00a0 I must tell you son, I have as well.\u00a0 I\u2019ll give you my blessing to marry Rebecca on three conditions.\u00a0 The first is you let us help you build that house, and until it is finished, you and Rebecca will stay here in this house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy, I was hoping I could get a little help with that.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said enthusiastically.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the second condition?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to take some of the money I\u2019ve invested for you and liquidate it to give you and Rebecca a firm financial foundation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I have no problem with that either.\u00a0 But Pa, could you help me manage it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, feeling a little overwhelmed.<\/p>\n

Ben was again pleased at his son\u2019s request. \u201cIt would be a pleasure, son.\u00a0 I\u2019d love to help you. And let me get the third.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben went over to the safe and opened it.\u00a0 Joe wondered what his Pa was up to. Ben turned around and spoke, \u201cSon, I kept this after your mother died, and I think it is appropriate that you give it to your bride on the day you marry her.\u201d\u00a0 Ben held out a gold ring to his son.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, this was really my mother\u2019s?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, as he got misty eyed.\u00a0 He noticed there was an inscription inside. He moved it closer to his eyes and read, Je t\u2019aime toujours<\/em>.\u00a0 Joe knew enough French to know the translation- I love you, always. He knew that was true of how his father felt about his mother.\u00a0 And it was true of how he felt about Rebecca.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you want to keep it Pa?\u00a0 I know its gotta be awfully special to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo son.\u00a0 I got the most special thing from my marriage to your mother standing in front of me.\u201d\u00a0 Ben walked around from the desk and hugged his son.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, thrilled at the prospect of settling down with Rebecca.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow go put that some place where you don\u2019t lose it.\u201d\u00a0 Ben told his son while stepping back.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot a chance of that happening.\u201d Joe responded, running up the stairs.<\/p>\n

That night at supper, Joe decided to fill his brothers in on his decision.\u00a0 \u201cWell older brothers, you\u2019re not going to have Joe Cartwright to kick around for much longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat \u2018cha mean.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss looked up from his plate.\u00a0 \u201cYou goin\u2019 some place?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorta.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna ask Rebecca\u2019s Pa if I can marry her.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said with a real big grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy howdy, is that just the greatest news?!\u201d\u00a0 Hoss exclaimed.\u00a0 He got up and went around the table to his younger brother, pulled Joe out of his chair, picked him up and hugged him so tight Joe lost his breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, Hoss I can\u2019t breathe.\u201d Joe gasped.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry \u2018bout that. I just got excited s\u2019all.\u201d Hoss said, putting Joe down.<\/p>\n

Ben had seen Adam was noticeably quiet after Joe\u2019s announcement.\u00a0 Joe had not seemed to pick this up as he and Hoss left the dinner table so Joe could show Hoss the ring.<\/p>\n

When Joe was out of sight, Ben asked, \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2019s awfully young to be getting married.\u201d\u00a0 Adam pointed out.\u00a0 \u201cAnd how does he know this is what he really wants six months from now?\u00a0 He changes his mind all the time.\u201d\u00a0 Adam loved his youngest brother very much, but in many ways they were polar opposites.\u00a0 Adam tended to feel that Joe was in need of a lot of maturing.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I believe Joe\u2019s honestly and truly in love. Haven\u2019t you noticed the changes in him.\u00a0 I can see it\u2019s really love.\u201d\u00a0 Ben replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t get me wrong.\u00a0 I know Joe\u2019s in love right now, but I don\u2019t want him hurt, and I don\u2019t want him to ruin his life.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I don\u2019t want that either, you know that, but I think this is a good thing for Joseph, and we need to support him.\u00a0 I\u2019m asking you to support him as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019ll do anything to help Joe and Rebecca make it. You know that. I just have some doubts, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know to hide them from Joseph well.\u201d\u00a0 Ben cautioned.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I know that!\u201d\u00a0 Adam responded with a laugh.<\/p>\n

**********<\/p>\n

Joe had decided he would speak with Mr. Larson the following day.\u00a0 He wanted to get it over with, so he could actually ask Rebecca herself.\u00a0 He rode into town early to catch Mr. Larson at the bank.\u00a0 He was going to invite Mr. Larson to lunch and ask at that time.\u00a0 During his ride to town, Joe rehearsed what he would say.\u00a0 He did not look forward to this and found himself with knots in his stomach.\u00a0 He had been unable to eat breakfast that morning, but with the way he was feeling, he was glad he had not eaten.<\/p>\n

Joe rode Cochise up to the front of the bank and dismounted.\u00a0 He brushed himself off and raked his hands through his hair before he went inside.\u00a0 He immediately saw Mr. Larson and was at that moment unsure if he was going to be sick.\u00a0 Mr. Larson saw Joe come into the bank and noticed he looked a bit green.\u00a0 Mr. Larson extended his hand to Joe and said, \u201cHey Joe, what brings you by?\u00a0 Got some banking to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his hand and spoke, \u201cNo uh, I was actually comin\u2019 in to see you, Mr. Larson.\u00a0 I was wondering if you and I could have lunch together.\u00a0 I have something to talk to you about.\u201d<\/p>\n

John Larson realized why Joe looked so green.\u00a0 He recalled the time when he had asked his Maggie\u2019s Pa for her hand.\u00a0 \u201cCertainly, Joe.\u00a0 Let me get my coat, and we can go on over to the hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

John laughed to himself thinking that they of course would love for Joe to marry Rebecca.\u00a0 Poor Joe looked like he was facing a firing squad at the moment, and seemed none too sure if he\u2019d survive the asking for Rebecca\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n

They left the bank and headed for the hotel.\u00a0 Joe walked slowly, feeling the need all of a sudden to say just forget it, hop on his horse and go home.\u00a0 If he didn\u2019t love Rebecca so much, he probably would have.\u00a0 Once inside the hotel, the two took a seat in the hotel dining room and Joe began to speak rapidly, wanting to get it over with.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Larson, I, uh, love your daughter very much, and I want to ask you if you and Mrs. Larson would let Rebecca marry me, and I\u2019ve got everything all thought out of how I am gonna take care of her, and I have my job at the ranch, and it makes pretty good money, and I manage all of the horse contracts like the buying and selling and stuff, and my Pa has given me some land, and I am gonna build a house on it, and Hoss and Adam and Pa are gonna help me, and…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhoa, slow down.\u201d\u00a0 John had found Joe\u2019s quick recitation without a breath to be humorous, but certainly did not want to appear to be laughing at the young man.\u00a0 He smiled at Joe and said, \u201cJoe you may marry my daughter.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry, we trust you\u2019ll take fine care of her.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always wanted a son, and I am pleased Rebecca chose you.\u201d<\/p>\n

With those words Joe relaxed and took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Larson, I promise you I\u2019ll take good care of her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019m not worried at all.\u00a0 Now lets eat. I\u2019m starved.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe and Mr. Larson spent the rest of the meal discussing the Ponderosa and its operation, and Mr. Larson\u2019s job at the bank.\u00a0 Joe felt that Mr. Larson was real nice to him and treated him like a man.\u00a0 He liked that.<\/p>\n

On his ride back to the Ponderosa, Joe was feeling a great sense of relief.\u00a0 He was riding Cochise at a full gallop, enjoying the speed of the animal.\u00a0 He began wondering how he could ask Rebecca to marry him.\u00a0 He wanted it to be extra special, something they could always remember.\u00a0 But what could he do? This was going to take some thinking.<\/p>\n

As Joe rode up to the main house, he looked over in the pasture where the horses he worked with every day stood, lazily grazing.\u00a0 He rode over to the fence and watched them for a moment.\u00a0 That\u2019s when he thought of what he wanted to do.\u00a0 He would give her the beautiful palomino gelding he had worked with so hard.\u00a0 Rebecca already had a horse, but hers was quite docile, and Joe knew she wanted something more spirited.\u00a0 Joe laughed as he thought of Rebecca\u2019s current horse.\u00a0 She had named the horse Cleopatra, Patty for short, after having read a story about the Egyptian queen.\u00a0 \u201cLeave it to Rebecca to name her horse after a queen.\u201d Joe thought.<\/p>\n

While still atop Cochise, Joe maneuvered the paint pony around to open the gate to the pasture.\u00a0 He untied his rope from his saddle and easily lassoed the palomino.\u00a0 \u201cCome on you,\u201d Joe said to the horse, \u201cWe\u2019ve gotta get you lookin\u2019 your Sunday best.\u201d\u00a0 With that, Joe lead the gelding to the barn and tied him in the stall next to Cochise.\u00a0 He bedded down Cochise and went into the house for supper.\u00a0 He was anxious to share with his Pa how it had gone with Mr. Larson, but he wasn\u2019t keen on the idea of talking in front of Hoss and Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, is that you?\u2019\u00a0 Ben called from his desk.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa it\u2019s me.\u201d Joe said, walking over to his father\u2019s desk.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell son, how\u2019d it go?\u201d\u00a0 Ben knew Joe wouldn\u2019t have any problem with John, but he knew his son would have been nervous none the less.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, where\u2019s Hoss and Adam?\u201d\u00a0 Joe wanted to make sure they were alone.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll be a long a little later.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, well then, um, it went fine…It went good… Pa it went great!\u201d\u00a0 Joe exclaimed, unable to keep his happiness from exploding.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad for you son.\u201d\u00a0 Ben relished seeing Joe so happy.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, would you have a problem with me givin\u2019 Rebecca that palomino gelding I\u2019ve been workin\u2019 on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, that\u2019s your horse to do with as you please.\u00a0 I know you\u2019ve spent a lot of time with him.\u00a0 That would be a mighty nice gift to give her, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I want to do it right.\u201d Joe was beaming.\u00a0 I want to propose to her in a way she will remember.\u00a0 She needed a new horse, and the palomino is perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, she loves you.\u00a0 You\u2019ll do it just fine.\u00a0 Relax and enjoy yourself.\u201d\u00a0 Ben saw himself in Joe at that moment, something, although rare, was something he treasured. He had felt the same way as his son with each of his wives.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I\u2019ll ask her at the dance this weekend… Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked rather timidly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it? \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you\u2019ve been so good to me.\u00a0 I want to be as good to my own children as you have be to me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, starting to get choked up.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Joe, you\u2019ve already got me bein\u2019 a grandfather.\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked laughing, but very touched.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, not right away maybe, but yeah I think you\u2019re probably gonna have to endure a grandchild or two.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, it\u2019s a father\u2019s place to endure.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find that out.\u201d Ben\u00a0 said lightheartedly.<\/p>\n

Joe left to go upstairs, and Ben continued to smile.\u00a0 Ben was so happy for Joseph and he wished at that moment Marie was there.\u00a0 He spoke aloud to her, \u201cMarie, our son is getting married.\u00a0 You\u2019d like Rebecca.\u00a0 In a lot of ways she reminds me of you.\u00a0 He\u2019s growing up so quickly.\u00a0 I remember when you were here and he was so small.\u00a0 Has that much time really passed since you left us?\u00a0 I miss you Marie, especially at times like this.\u201d<\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe worked quickly through his Saturday chores.\u00a0 He had been assigned to round up strays in the lower meadow.\u00a0 While working, Joe thought about the life he was going to have with Rebecca.\u00a0 He was also excited to begin work on their house.\u00a0 He had a good idea of how he wanted it to look and was going to be talking to Adam soon to help with the design.\u00a0 He was lost in thought when he was brought back by the sounds of a calf in distress.\u00a0 He quickly rode to the calf and hopped off of Cochise.\u00a0 The animal was stranded in a bog, and Joe worked hard to get it free. Eventually the calf was released from its bondage, but not without pulling Joe along with it.\u00a0 He lost his balance falling hard on his knees.\u00a0 He swore softly and returned to his feet.\u00a0 He wiped off his knees and remounted his horse.\u00a0 He finished rounding up the strays in his assigned area and headed for the barn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He rode into the barn and dismounted Cochise.\u00a0 He looked over to the palomino.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve got a big night tonight.\u201d\u00a0 Joe started brushing the gelding and talking softly to it.\u00a0 He had traded Hoss a few chores so that Hoss would put shoes on the horse.\u00a0 He also had worked on the animal\u2019s coat until it shined, making sure that every hair was in place.\u00a0 \u201cWell you,\u201d\u00a0 Joe began as he took the horse\u2019s head in his hands and looked the animal in the eye.\u00a0 \u201cYou treat her right, and you\u2019re gonna have a very good life indeed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spent a long time getting dressed for the evening.\u00a0 He wanted to make sure he looked good for his future bride.\u00a0 He had gotten a haircut earlier that week, for once not because of his father\u2019s urging.\u00a0 Rebecca had told him she liked his hair cut short, and that was all he needed to motivate him to keep his hair short.\u00a0 Joe pulled out the ring he was going to give her on their wedding day, looked at it and smiled.\u00a0 Soon she would be his, and he would make her so very happy.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t hear the knock at the door, nor his father\u2019s entrance.\u00a0 He turned around to see his father watching him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh hey, Pa.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t hear you come in.\u201d Joe said to his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been standing watching Joe.\u00a0 He knew how his son must be feeling and was finding himself enjoying the courtship and engagement of his youngest.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you about ready?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, guess so.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said taking one more glance in the mirror and walked out the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All four Cartrights were headed into town.\u00a0 The dance that evening was the annual charity dance raising money for the widows and orphans and was somewhat the social event of the season.\u00a0 Joe rode Cochise and tied the gelding behind him.\u00a0 He traveled slower than his usual pace, because he did not wish to have the gelding lathered before he reached town.\u00a0 His Pa, Adam, and Hoss understood this and held their mounts back as well.\u00a0 They talked lightheartedly as they rode.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know there will be mourning all over Virginia City after tonight.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019d ya mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAll the gals are gonna be crying on their pillows when they find out that Joe Cartwright\u2019s no longer eligible.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd there are gonna be a lot of ma\u2019s and pa\u2019s who breath a big sigh of relief that Romeo here isn\u2019t sniffing \u2018round their herd.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss added.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFellas, if you think you have a chance of gettin\u2019 to me tonight, you are sadly mistaken.\u201d Joe spoke to both of them.\u00a0 \u201cI have shown you the most noble of brotherly love by getting engaged to Rebecca.\u00a0 You see, I have willingly taken myself out of the competition.\u00a0 A competition, may I remind you, I would win against you two sorry lookin\u2019 strays any day of the week.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once they arrived at the dance, Joe broke away from his family to go to Rebecca\u2019s house.\u00a0 He had tied Cochise to a hitching post at the dance and walked the palomino alongside him.\u00a0 When he reached the Larson\u2019s he walked the horse inside their barn, then went to their front door, and knocked.\u00a0 Mr. Larson promptly answered it.\u00a0 \u2018Good evening, Little Joe.\u00a0 Come on in.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe removed his hat and entered the warm and friendly parlor.\u00a0 At that time, Mrs. Larson came around the corner from the other room. \u00a0\u201cGood evening, Joe.\u00a0 How are you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh I\u2019m doin\u2019 just fine.\u201d\u00a0 He answered with a smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Larson told me about the lunch you two had earlier this week, and I am so pleased. \u201c\u00a0 Mrs. Larson returned Joe\u2019s smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. And Mrs. Larson, I love Rebecca so much, and I\u2019m gonna make her very happy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, like I told you earlier, we\u2019re not worried at all.\u201d Mr. Larson said, just as Rebecca descended the stairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot worried about what?\u201d Rebecca asked as she entered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked and saw the most stunning woman he had ever seen, and he felt very warm all of a sudden.\u00a0 She had on a flowing dress, and her hair was fixed the same way she had it the first day he kissed her.\u00a0 She moved effortlessly toward him.\u00a0 Joe could not say anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNothing Rebecca.\u201d \u00a0Mr. Larson answered her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUmph\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca responded, not liking it that she was not in on what they were talking about.\u00a0 She would ask Joe when they were alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow you two get going.\u00a0 Were planning to attend the dance as well, but as usual Mrs. Larson\u2019s running behind.\u201d\u00a0 Mr. Larson moved them to the door.\u00a0 He knew Joe was proposing to Rebecca tonight, and he was wanting to help out the young man.\u00a0 Mrs. Larson wasn\u2019t really running late, it was an excuse to give the young couple some time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe waited until they were outside to speak to her.\u00a0 \u201cRebecca, you look so beautiful tonight.\u00a0 I\u2019ve never seen a woman lookin\u2019 as fine as you do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you Joe.\u00a0 You look so handsome.\u201d\u00a0 She said looking into his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He took her hand and lead her over to the barn.\u00a0 Joe had wanted to talk to her before they went to the dance.\u00a0 He had carefully rehearsed how he wanted things to go.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you going, and what were you and Pa talking about?\u201d\u00a0 she asked confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI swear you are the nosiest woman.\u201d Joe teased.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on Joe.\u00a0 Tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll find out soon enough.\u201d\u00a0 He answered steering her to a bench located outside the barn door.\u00a0 He motioned for her to sit down, and he sat beside her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now Rebecca was very confused.\u00a0 \u201cAre we gonna go to the dance?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWill you quit.\u201d Joe said good naturally.\u00a0 \u201cI want to talk to you a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you should have told me.\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca answered, thinking that Joe was wanting to kiss for a little while.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The moon was full above them, and the temperature was pleasant.\u00a0 Joe thought he could not have asked for a better evening for what he was going to do.\u00a0 \u201cRebecca,\u00a0 I love you very much.\u201d Joe said while taking both her hands in his.\u00a0 He looked deep into her eyes and smiled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you too.\u201d\u00a0 She said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He moved in front of her and got down on one knee.\u00a0 He felt the pain of having fallen earlier in the day and flinched a little.\u00a0 She looked at him kneeling before her and her heart soared.\u00a0 She had been unaware of Joe\u2019s talks with his Pa and hers, and had no idea what Joe had planned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, I\u2019ve been so happy these last months, and I know it\u2019s because of you, and how I feel when I\u2019m with you.\u00a0 I never thought I could talk as openly with a woman as I do with you, and you can make me smile at just about anything.\u00a0 You\u2019re also the most beautiful, most desirable woman, I\u2019ve ever laid eyes on.\u00a0 Rebecca Larson, would you do me the greatest pleasure in the world and marry me?\u00a0 I plan to take the very best care of you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe began to feel choked up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She started to cry and shook her head.\u00a0 She finally found her words and said, \u201cJoe, I\u2019ll marry you tonight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Her response filled him with happiness.\u00a0 He had not doubted she would say yes, but having the words pass between them made it official.\u00a0 She was going to marry him!\u00a0 He was going to be able to spend the rest of his life loving her.\u00a0 \u201cWell I don\u2019t think we have to hurry that quick.\u00a0 I want to do it right, and give you the wedding you\u2019ve wanted.\u00a0 But, mind you, I\u2019m not going to wait very long.\u00a0 Come on, there\u2019s something I want you to have.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, attempting to stand.\u00a0 His knees were sore enough to make standing difficult.\u00a0 \u201cUh Bec, could you help me stand up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not getting all old and frail on me are you?\u201d\u00a0 She laughed, helping him up.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019d you do to yourself now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAwe, it\u2019s nothin\u2019.\u00a0 A calf wasn\u2019t very grateful for my help.\u201d\u00a0 Joe struggled to his feet, thinking that this part wasn\u2019t in his smooth, well thought out plan.\u00a0 After having stood, he remained holding Rebecca\u2019s hands and lead her into the barn.\u00a0 It was dark inside, so he paused to light a lantern.\u00a0 As the barn became illuminated, Rebecca saw the palomino standing before her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca,\u00a0 no wife of mine can be without the best looking horse in Virginia City.\u00a0 He\u2019s got the Ponderosa brand on him so everyone will know you\u2019re one of us Cartwrights.\u00a0 He\u2019s yours.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, presenting her with the rope from the horse\u2019s halter.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFor me?\u201d She asked, unable to believe he was giving her the fine animal.\u00a0 She began stroking the horse\u2019s head.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, he\u2019s beautiful.\u00a0 What\u2019s his name.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t really named him.\u00a0 He was one my Pa got from a breeding ranch outside Placerville a little while ago.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been calling him \u2018hey you\u2019 for the most part.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s up to you to give him a real name, I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHum, I don\u2019t think \u2018hey you\u2019 really fits him, so lets see…ah ha, I\u2019ve got it.\u00a0 How \u2018bout Marc Antony.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMarc Antony?\u00a0 What kinda name is that for a horse?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked not getting the connection to her other horse Cleopatra.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know you didn\u2019t pay attention for most of school, but don\u2019t you remember the story? Cleopatra and Marc Antony were lovers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah, but it still sounds a little peculiar for a horse.\u00a0 Sometimes I think you\u2019d be better off with Adam with all the stuff you read and remember.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s too old for me, and I think he\u2019d have a problem with me sneakin\u2019 off to be with his little brother all of the time.\u201d\u00a0 She reached out to him and hugged him tight.\u00a0 They began to kiss.\u00a0 He quickly became conscious of the need for them to stop.\u00a0 He was unaware of the fact that her level of desire matched his.\u00a0 He pulled away from her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, we\u2019d better get to that dance before my Pa and your Pa hire a posse to look for us.\u201d\u00a0 He said, trying to calm the electricity between them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf we have to.\u201d\u00a0 She said, a little disappointed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe walked Rebecca to the dance and paused before they went in. He had to kiss her just once more time before their privacy was lost for the evening.\u00a0 After they kissed, they entered the dance.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been watching the door since Joe had headed over to the Larson\u2019s and saw his son enter.\u00a0 Joe had a look on his face Ben had never seen before.\u00a0 His son looked to be content, happy, and complete.\u00a0 He had walked into the dance holding Rebecca close to his side.\u00a0 Closer than what was probably socially acceptable, Ben thought, but Ben was not about to interrupt his son\u2019s evening.\u00a0 He watched Joe move Rebecca onto the dance floor and saw them attending to each other as if there was no one else in the room.\u00a0 Ben assumed that Joe had proposed, and he knew what Rebecca\u2019s response was, given how she looked into his son\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Ben glanced over at the door and saw the Larson\u2019s enter.\u00a0 John and Maggie scanned the room quickly and saw Joe and Rebecca dancing.\u00a0 A big smile came across their faces.\u00a0 Ben made his way over to his friends who would soon be his son\u2019s in-laws.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJohn. Maggie. How are you this evening?\u201d Ben said, extending his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The men shook hands, and all three looked towards their children dancing.\u00a0 \u201cThey look so happy.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie commented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat they do.\u201d Ben answered.\u00a0 \u201cWould you two mind if I offered the Ponderosa for their engagement party.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to give them a big shin-dig to celebrate.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, that is very generous. Thank you.\u201d\u00a0 John was so thrilled his daughter had chosen such a good family to join.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe could announce it tonight if it is okay with the two of them.\u201d Ben nodded toward the young lovers.\u00a0 \u201cLet me try and pry my son away from Rebecca, and I\u2019ll talk to him a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John had an idea.\u00a0 \u201cHere Ben, let me cut in on Joe and dance with my beautiful daughter, and you can talk to Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John walked over to where Joe was dancing with Rebecca and said,\u00a0 \u201cS\u2019cuse me Joe, but may I dance with my daughter.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Larson, if you were anyone else but her father I\u2019d have to say no, but since you are, I\u2019ll let you cut in.\u201d\u00a0 Joe let go of Rebecca, but it was obvious it wasn\u2019t what he wanted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ll give her back.\u201d\u00a0 Mr. Larson said, spinning his daughter into the throng of dancers.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe walked over to the punch to take a break when his father approached. \u201cJoseph, it looks as if you got the answer you were looking for.\u201d Ben said, putting his arm around his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure did, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said smiling and looking at Rebecca dancing with her father.\u00a0 Ben noticed Joe\u2019s smile shown through his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking Joe.\u00a0 I think we should announce this officially and have a party at the Ponderosa to celebrate.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a while since Hop Sing has been overwhelmed with a party, and we need to keep him on his toes, you know.\u201d\u00a0 Ben joked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe answered his father, his eyes never left Rebecca.\u00a0 \u201cReally, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019d like that, and I know Rebecca would love it.\u00a0 I think she kinda wants to put some young ladies in their place, and I\u2019d love to show her off.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was referring to some of the girls Rebecca had grown up with.\u00a0 During school, Rebecca was judged harshly by some of the more proper young ladies.\u00a0 She had been a tom-boy, preferring to climb trees to playing with dolls.\u00a0 Joe wanted to show those girls that Rebecca was the most beautiful and desirable woman he knew of.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen it\u2019s decided.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make the announcement tonight.\u201d\u00a0 Ben patted Joe\u2019s back.\u00a0 It was apparent that Joe was ready to return to Rebecca.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, she sure is a beautiful girl.\u201d\u00a0 Ben noted Joe\u2019s look towards his future bride.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe sure is, Pa…Well that\u2019s the whole song, so I\u2019m gonna cut back in.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said setting the punch glass back down without looking down and walked away.\u00a0 It was obvious to Ben his son only attended to one person in the room and it was not him.\u00a0 He laughed and thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cMarie, I hope you can see this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca continued to dance until the music abruptly stopped.\u00a0 They looked towards the band and saw their parents standing there.\u00a0 Ben began,\u00a0 \u201cSorry to interrupt folks, but we\u2019ve got a bit of an announcement.\u00a0 Mr. Larson…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John Larson stepped forward.\u00a0 \u201cMe and my wife Maggie are pleased to announce our daughter Rebecca is officially engaged to Mr. Joseph Cartwright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With the announcement Joe and Rebecca looked at each other, and he winked at her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben picked up where John left off.\u00a0 \u201cIn honor of my son and his lovely fianc\u00e9e, I wish to extended an invitation to everyone here to join us at the Ponderosa for the biggest and best engagement party Virginia City has ever seen, next Saturday at seven o\u2019clock…\u00a0 Now everyone, back to dancing.\u201d\u00a0 And with that the band began again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca spent the rest of the evening talking with people who came up to them congratulating the happy couple.\u00a0 Joe wanted so desperately to be alone with her, but he saw how she was enjoying the attention.\u00a0 That made the people who intruded tolerable for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss found their father and moved over to talk with him.\u00a0 Both brothers had notice how Joe had been so focused on Rebecca and how happy he seemed.\u00a0 Adam was the first to speak.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I\u2019ve had my doubts about little brother there, but he sure does seem to be smitten.\u00a0 Do you think he\u2019s noticed anyone else tonight?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, that\u2019s really good what you\u2019re doin\u2019 about the party.\u00a0 I know Joe is a changed man since that Miss Rebecca put her brand on him.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss added.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBoys, your brother there is experiencing something I want for all three of you.\u00a0 That is what it is to be truly in love.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, looking at his youngest as he spoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt sure does look like a wonderful way to feel.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss commented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening passed too quickly for Joe and Rebecca.\u00a0 He walked her to the door of her house trying to drag the evening out as much as he could.\u00a0 \u201cRebecca, I don\u2019t want to leave you tonight.\u00a0 I love you and want us to be together from now on.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna be really hard to wait.\u00a0 I want to take you away right now and start our new life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe if I knew my Pa and your Pa wouldn\u2019t be so upset, I\u2019d go with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He kissed her softly and tore himself away.\u00a0 \u201cI gotta go.\u00a0 Pa, Hoss and Adam are waiting for me, and I\u2019d better hurry up.\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019ll help you take Marc Antony out and work him some.\u00a0 It\u2019ll give me a reason to come by.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be here waiting, Joe.\u00a0 Have sweet dreams.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I know I will.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, watching her go into her house.\u00a0 Joe reminded himself it was not going to be her house much longer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

********<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Ponderosa was prepared for the party.\u00a0 The main house had been thoroughly cleaned, it\u2019s furniture and silver polished till they shown.\u00a0 The yard was cleaned and organized and nothing remained out of place. When Ben had approached Hop Sing about Joe\u2019s engagement party, Hop Sing became very excited.\u00a0 Hop Sing saw Joe as his own son, not that he\u2019d share that with Mr. Ben.\u00a0 He remembered having a tiny Mr. Joe in his kitchen licking spoons covered with cookie dough and pitching fits at being washed up in the kitchen.\u00a0 He felt he understood the young man, sometimes more so than his father did.\u00a0 Hop Sing had studied the young man often and had the luxury of being more objective than the boy\u2019s father.\u00a0\u00a0 He had known Mr. Joe had been deeply damaged by Mrs. Cartwright\u2019s death.\u00a0 He saw how hard the boy hung on to people, and how hard it was for him to let go.\u00a0 He knew the boy was passionate before Mrs. Cartwright\u2019s death, but after he lost his mother, the passion increased, and he saw Mr. Joe as holding onto life and people harder than most.\u00a0 This had allowed Mr. Joe to survive situations where others may have lost their lives, but Hop Sing worried what would happen to Mr. Joe if he lost someone he desperately clung to.\u00a0 He prayed they would never see that day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spent the week working at his usual jobs and going into town at every opportunity.\u00a0 He spent the time in town helping Rebecca and her new horse become aquatinted.\u00a0 He knew she really needed little or no help in riding because Rebecca was quite good, but it allowed him to spend time with her, and that was all he really cared about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On one of his trips to town, Joe ran into Richard and David, and they agreed to meet at the Bucket of Blood for a beer after Joe had finished helping Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe walked into the saloon and looked around for his friends.\u00a0 He saw them standing at the bar watching a card game in progress.\u00a0 Joe walked up to them and ordered a beer from the bartender.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey there stranger.\u00a0 You still remembering your old friends?\u201d\u00a0 Richard asked jokingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that there\u2019s a lot to do on the ranch right now, and I\u2019m tryin\u2019 to help Rebecca with the new horse and everything.\u201d\u00a0 Joe attempted to explain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Joe, it\u2019s \u2018cause you\u2019re in love.\u201d\u00a0 David was very happy for his friend.\u00a0 He had noticed that Rebecca and Joe were good together long before Joe noticed it.\u00a0 Although David had admitted to having a crush on Rebecca, he knew it was something not meant to be.\u00a0 He had noticed that Rebecca tended to have a calming effect on Joe and it kept him out of trouble.\u00a0 David did have to admit to himself, though, that since Rebecca and Joe had started courting, he felt a little lonesome.\u00a0 He thought that after the two were married and got over the infatuation part there would be more time in their lives for him and Richard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell that too, I guess.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, smiling.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go sit down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

David, Richard, and Joe sat and caught up with each other.\u00a0 They had truly missed talking to each other, and Joe reminded himself to do this more often.\u00a0 Joe filled them in on the plans for the house he was going to build, and they quickly offered to help.\u00a0 While they talked, they were interrupted by one of the saloon girls.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe we haven\u2019t seen you in here since you busted up the place a long while back.\u00a0 Where you been hiding yourself?\u201d\u00a0 The woman said taking off Joe\u2019s hat and running her hands through his hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Millie. I wouldn\u2019t be doin\u2019 that if I were you.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s intended may come over here and scratch your eyes out.\u201d\u00a0 Richard warned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe Cartwright, you\u2019re gettin\u2019 married?\u00a0 You\u2019ll have to come by and see me before you walk down the aisle.\u201d She said seductively.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNa, Miss Millie, thanks for the offer but it wouldn\u2019t be you Rebecca\u2019d go after, it be me, and she is too good a shot for me to risk it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe joked.\u00a0 Seriously though, the thought of being with another woman was the furthest thing from Joe\u2019s mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019d never have to know.\u201d\u00a0 Millie continued the pursuit.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMa\u2019am, she has a way of findin\u2019 out all sorts of stuff she should never know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe had teased Rebecca throughout their friendship and courting that she was too nosy for her own good. Rebecca was a young woman who had a lot of questions and did not mind asking them. It had become a way of flirting after they started dating, and Joe found it cute. He also wasn\u2019t about to have any secrets between himself and his future wife.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Joe, you think about it and come see me.\u201d\u00a0 Millie said, walking off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s a persistent one isn\u2019t she.\u201d\u00a0 Richard commented, shaking his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three enjoyed another beer, and then Joe left to go home.\u00a0 It felt good to catch up with the guys.\u00a0 He felt a bit guilty for not spending as much time lately with them and vowed he would make more time.\u00a0 Rebecca had talked to Joe about helping David and Richard find the right girls to settle down with, but Joe was not about to attempt to play match maker.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t think he would be very good at picking out girls for his friends.\u00a0 He would leave the picking to Rebecca, he thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The night of the party quickly approached, and soon it was Saturday.\u00a0 The weather had been beautiful until around two that afternoon, and then clouds rolled in.\u00a0 The rain hit hard for the first few hours, but gradually backed off to a light drizzle.\u00a0 The advent of rain had made the day darker and upset Hop Sing as he worked frantically preparing for the evening.\u00a0 He believed in the superstitious element of the world, and found rain to be a bad sign on such a happy occasion.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stayed busy working until the rains began.\u00a0 He started clearing away the section of land where he wanted the house to be.\u00a0 He cursed the rain when it began, but gave up when he realized it was not going to let up for a while.\u00a0 He hopped on Cochise and headed for the house.\u00a0 He met up with Hoss on his way, and they rode together the remainder of the way.\u00a0 Once home, each stabled his own horse and headed for the house. Inside they realized they were alone except for Hop Sing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa and Adam must be held up in town or somethin\u2019.\u00a0 I hope the rain stops, so they get here soon.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss commented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy ya want \u2018em to get here soon, Hoss?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh so they can help get ready for the party.\u00a0 You\u2019re lookin\u2019 forward to it aren\u2019t ya, Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, I really don\u2019t care, except I get to see Rebecca.\u00a0 This night\u2019s more for her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know I\u2019ve been meaning to tell you, you really have changed.\u00a0 You used to not turn down a party, and you used to be impossible to do chores with.\u00a0 I think Rebecca has been really good for you.\u00a0 I do have to admit, though, Joe, I\u2019ve missed talkin\u2019 to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2019ve been so preoccupied. I\u2019ve missed talkin to you too.\u00a0 You know I seem to be ignoring \u2018bout everybody these day.\u00a0 What\u2019s new with you, brother Hoss?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Joe spent a lot of time sitting in the living room catching up with each other.\u00a0 Hoss began to tell Joe about Mary Anne and how he was thinking of courting her.\u00a0 Joe encouraged Hoss, and gave him some pointers to help him.\u00a0 Hoss enjoyed talking to his younger brother, and Joe felt the same.\u00a0 The two brothers were very close and tended to confide more so in each other, than with their Pa or Adam.\u00a0 Hoss had a good relationship with his older brother Adam as well, and tended to be the go between for his two brothers, who did not get along as well. Joe viewed Adam as self righteous at times, and Adam viewed Joe as hot-headed.\u00a0 Hoss ended up as the mediator in many of the conflicts.\u00a0 It seemed to Hoss that both Joe and Adam could talk fine to him, but when they had to talk to each other there were always problems.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss there\u2019s somethin\u2019 I\u2019ve been meanin\u2019 to ask you, and now seems just as good a time as any.\u00a0 Would you be my best man?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked his older brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing, Joe.\u00a0 You sure you don\u2019t want Richard, or David, or maybe even Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Hoss, you\u2019re the one I want standin\u2019 up there with me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019ll be there.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss was extremely touched by Joe\u2019s request.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood.\u00a0 I\u2019m countin\u2019 on you to keep me straight that day \u2018cause you know me. I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll do somethin\u2019 to mess it up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you worry a bit little brother.\u00a0 You got ol\u2019 Hoss lookin\u2019 after you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I asked you.\u201d Joe said patted his older brother affectionately on the back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Adam made it back to the ranch shortly after Hoss and Joe had concluded their talk.\u00a0 They all went about preparing for the guests to arrive.\u00a0 Joe had asked Rebecca to try and get her folks to come a little early so he could see her before all of the people arrived.\u00a0 Unfortunately, Rebecca showed up the same time as the other guests arrived, so they had no time to themselves.\u00a0 The guests kept the young couple occupied by asking questions and talking over their own marital experiences.\u00a0 Throughout the night, Joe and Rebecca exchanged longing looks at each other.\u00a0 Towards the end of the party, Ben caught Rebecca alone and pulled her aside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Rebecca, mind if I have a word with you?\u201d\u00a0 Ben began.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly, Mr. Cartwright\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben lead Rebecca to a secluded corner trying to gain as much privacy as he could. \u201cRebecca, you and I haven\u2019t had much time to talk since you and Joe started courting.\u00a0 I want to welcome you into our family, and thank you for loving my son so much.\u00a0 You saved his life, and now you\u2019ve made him so happy.\u00a0 I have to tell you, I\u2019ve always worried about Joseph because of his nature, but you have such a good effect on him.\u00a0 He is impulsive and sometimes wild, and you seem to know how to calm that in him.\u00a0 I\u2019m so grateful for what you did for him after he was attacked, and now I am so lucky to be getting you as a daughter-in-law.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright,\u201d Rebecca answered, \u201cI know Joe is wild and impulsive, and that\u2019s something I really love about him, but he\u2019s also well grounded and was raised right.\u00a0 I think he\u2019s a credit to you and how you raised him.\u00a0 I know he feels things very deeply, and although that worries me sometimes to see him hurting, I also know he works it out in the end.\u00a0 Your son is probably the most interesting person I\u2019ve ever met \u2018cause of the way he looks at the world.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never stop being interested in him and his ways.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In the conversation, Ben again reaffirmed to himself that Rebecca was indeed so very right for Joseph. \u00a0He was relieved to hear that she knew how his son was and accepted it.\u00a0 He also knew she could help Joe channel and focus his impulses, perhaps better than Ben was able to do himself.\u00a0 Ben added, \u201c Rebecca, sometimes Joe is slow to ask for my help, or the help of his brothers.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t hesitate to tell us if you or Joe need anything.\u00a0 We\u2019re here to help you both.\u00a0 Don\u2019t let his stubbornness have you doing without.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, Joe\u2019s stubborn, don\u2019t I know that, but you know he really doesn\u2019t mean it. He seems to just get afraid, and then he reacts.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben smiled. They were going to be just fine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening was not what Joe had wanted.\u00a0 He did enjoy watching Rebecca rubbing her engagement in the noses of the snobby girls who had hurt her in school, but he wasn\u2019t up to sharing her with anyone.\u00a0 He spent his time talking to Richard, David and some of his other friends.\u00a0 Rebecca would come by him every so often, and he made it a point to smile, wink, or otherwise acknowledge her.\u00a0 At the end of the evening, Joe had his fill of social niceties and graces.\u00a0 He wanted a little time alone with his fianc\u00e9e.\u00a0 He saw his opportunity when the Widow Perkins began talking to Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe knew that the Widow had actively pursued his father, and because of this, he knew the perfect distraction.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe walked up to the Widow and Rebecca and spoke. \u201cMrs. Perkins, my Pa\u2019s been looking all over for you.\u00a0 He\u2019s over there and wants to talk to you.\u201d\u00a0 With that the Widow made a bee line for Ben.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u00a0 I thought you said your Pa was trying to avoid her?\u201d\u00a0 Rebecca questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe is and he\u2019ll forgive me, but I\u2019ve gotta be alone with you for just a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t run off.\u00a0 There\u2019re too many people here.\u201d Rebecca reminded him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but I don\u2019t care about any of these people.\u00a0 I want to be with you right now.\u201d He looked at her longingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe behave yourself, and we\u2019ll slip away sometime soon.\u00a0 I promise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not gonna pitch a fit \u2018cause its you askin\u2019, but I swear I\u2019m gonna die if I don\u2019t get to kiss you. \u201c\u00a0 He flirted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou won\u2019t die, and it will do you good.\u00a0 It builds character.\u201d She teased back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh then, if you only knew how much character I\u2019ve built.\u201d He answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Again they were interrupted by well-wishers.\u00a0 They were unable to steal away for any time alone, and Rebecca left with her parents along with the last guests.\u00a0 Joe thanked his father for his generosity with the party and turned in for the evening.\u00a0 He laid in bed looking at his mother\u2019s wedding ring and fell asleep thinking that it would not be long now.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

…Joe returned his thoughts to the meadow and Rebecca.\u00a0 He had a dreamy look on his face, and she asked him where he had been.\u00a0 He told her he had been thinking over the past six months and enjoying himself.\u00a0 Rebecca had been thinking about the same thing and felt so elated.\u00a0 Both believed they were the only ones who had ever felt the way they did, and no one would feel that way after them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked seriously.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to stay this happy forever.\u00a0 You think we can do it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know we can.\u201d She said, bending down to kiss him.\u00a0 They began to kiss softly and then more passionately.\u00a0 Joe pulled her down so she was laying beside him, all the while never ending their embrace.\u00a0 He moved from kissing her lips to kissing her face and neck.\u00a0 His hands began moving over her body.\u00a0 \u201cI love you so much.\u00a0 You\u2019re the most beautiful woman.\u00a0 Rebecca, I want to…\u201d he stopped himself and pulled away from her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u00a0 Finish your sentence.\u201d She begged.\u00a0 She continued to hold onto him.\u00a0 Rebecca had thought a lot about making love to Joe.\u00a0 She knew it was what she wanted.\u00a0 She also knew it was what Joe had wanted for quite some time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo we\u2019d better get goin.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 He said, starting to get up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo wait.\u00a0 What is it Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNever mind.\u00a0 We need to go.\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t want to put her into a position which would leave her pressured. He knew he had to get away from her if he was going to contain himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rebecca knew what he wanted to say, and she said it.\u00a0 \u201cJoe I want you.\u00a0 I want us to be together, today.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 I want the same thing you do.\u00a0 I want you to make love to me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat back down and looked at her. \u201cRebecca are you sure?\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you doin\u2019 nothin\u2019 you don\u2019t want to do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe. I want to.\u201d\u00a0 She said pulling on his shirt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He turned and looked into her eyes.\u00a0 He felt this was the right thing to do and felt himself let go.\u00a0 He allowed himself to stop thinking of how to tie knots and to focus on how he felt about Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe began kissing her and was soon lost in their passion.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Afterwards, Joe lay holding Rebecca.\u00a0 Neither wanted to speak and end what had happened between them.\u00a0 Finally Joe knew he would have to be getting her home.\u00a0 He would be able to get her home on time, but he\u2019d be late himself, and he\u2019d be without the supplies he was supposed to have picked up.\u00a0 He would deal with the consequences later.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, you okay?\u201d\u00a0 he asked, as he pulled her chin up so they were looking into each others eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019m wonderful.\u201d\u00a0 She said turning her head up to kiss him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll never forget this day.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMe either, but unfortunately we gotta get goin\u2019 if you\u2019re gonna get home in time.\u201d\u00a0 Joe began to get dressed and watched as Rebecca put herself back together.\u00a0 Neither wanted to return home to their childhood.\u00a0 They both wanted to go a new place – their adulthood.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe escorted her to the buckboard.\u00a0 As they boarded, Rebecca said,\u00a0 Hey Joe, let me drive the horses back to town.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBec, we don\u2019t really have time.\u201d\u00a0 He said, starting to lead the horses out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow how am I gonna help with our place if I can\u2019t drive two horses?\u00a0 Besides, I\u2019ll deal with my mama.\u00a0 She knows you\u2019re tryin\u2019 to be all responsible and stuff. She\u2019ll know I was the one who made us late.\u00a0 Please Joe, I wanna learn.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I can\u2019t say no to you, but if your folks call off the wedding, and I have to kidnap you, it\u2019s all your fault.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, stopping the team and beginning to trade places with her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow show me what to do.\u201d She said, taking the reins.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe put his arms around her and placed his hands on each of hers.\u00a0 He began to instruct Rebecca on giving the leads and pulling them back.\u00a0 He showed her how to attend to the lead horse and to keep that animal as the primary one she dealt with.\u00a0 Rebecca loved his arms around her and leaned against him.\u00a0 They rode together at a slow trot while Rebecca experimented with the reins.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re doin\u2019 good. \u201c Joe praised. \u201cBut here, do this.\u201d Joe showed her how to use her fingers to move the reins.\u00a0 She tried it and was quite successful.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rebecca was laughing and enjoying herself.\u00a0 She was catching on quick and was able to move them easily down the road.\u00a0 They were close to town.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay you can open them up a little bit.\u00a0 Just don\u2019t get carried away.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said realizing Rebecca wanted more.\u00a0 He kept his hands on hers and began kissing her neck.\u00a0 He watched her drive the buckboard out of one eye.\u00a0 The horses began to pick up speed.\u00a0 They traveled along with Joe holding onto her hands, but with Rebecca in full control of the team.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There was not any way Rebecca could have corrected the buckboard quickly enough to dodge the oversized rock in the road.\u00a0 She was not experienced enough, and Joe was otherwise distracted.\u00a0 In her excitement, Rebecca had encouraged the horses to move faster.\u00a0 The animals ran quickly, pulling the buckboard over the unseen rock.\u00a0 The wagon rolled over the rock and began to tip.\u00a0 Joe had his arms around Rebecca and felt himself falling backwards.\u00a0 She began to move upward and away from him.\u00a0 It did not register in Joe\u2019s mind what was happening to them.\u00a0 He was trying to hold her tight and she was pulling away from him.\u00a0 What was happening, and why was he feeling the loss of control?\u00a0 There was a sharp pain and then nothing but blackness.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the buckboard tumbled, Joe was violently thrown from heaven.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Part Two: Damned – <\/strong>A state of condemnation to endless punishment<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The wagon wheel spun quietly in the air.\u00a0 There was no noise other than the sound of birds singing and the rustle of leaves in the intermittent breeze.\u00a0 A horse, free of it’s harness and rigging, grazed nearby.\u00a0 The early evening was beautiful, but the young lovers were unable to enjoy it.\u00a0 Slowly the sun went behind the hillside, and the birds quieted for the evening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John and Maggie Larson became slightly concerned when six o’clock came and went and there was no sign of their daughter or Little Joe.\u00a0 By seven they were worried.\u00a0 John decided to go to the sheriff when the clock in the parlor struck eight.\u00a0 He was not sure what to think.\u00a0 In the entire time Joe and Rebecca had courted, Joe had never brought her home late.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, the young man usually made it a point to make sure they were back early.\u00a0 John knew there was something wrong, and his gut said it was bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At the Ponderosa, Ben failed to noticed Joe wasn’t home when he entered the house around six.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam were in the great room discussing the need to move part of the herd to a larger water source.\u00a0 Ben listened to his boys and found himself feeling quite proud they could run the place so well.\u00a0 He quickly joined in the conversation and the work plans for the week were formed.\u00a0 Hop Sing appeared from the kitchen to notify them that supper was ready.\u00a0 It was then that Ben realized his youngest wasn’t around.\u00a0 He told Hop Sing to hold the meal in hopes that Joe would materialize.\u00a0 The angry cook hurried back to his kitchen muttering in Cantonese.\u00a0 When time continued to pass, Ben assumed that Joe had perhaps stayed to eat at the Larson’s, and he and his two oldest sons sat down to supper.\u00a0 Ben thought of scolding Joseph, but decided that his son was simply in love and enjoying being with Rebecca.\u00a0 He would let it go this time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hank, Cory, and Remo, all hands on the Ponderosa, decided to ride into town that evening to burn off a little steam.\u00a0 Being a new moon, they rode cautiously due to the darkness.\u00a0 Hank, the more senior ranch hand, was the first to notice there was something in the middle of the road, but in the darkness he could not make it out.\u00a0 As they approached, the form took shape.\u00a0 It was an overturned buckboard.\u00a0 The men pulled up their horses and dismounted.\u00a0 They quickly began to look for anyone who may have been injured.\u00a0 Hank walked around what would have been the front of the wagon and saw a horse lying dead.\u00a0 Although it was dark, he thought he recognized the rigging on the animal.\u00a0 He knelt down and felt for the animal’s brand.\u00a0 It had the pinetree brand of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 This was a Ponderosa rig.\u00a0 He continued to move around and saw a body, laying on it’s side, pinned under the wagon.\u00a0 He knelt down and felt a pulse, but was unable to make out the identity of the injured person.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Cory, Remo, someone’s here, and they’re still alive.”\u00a0 Hank yelled to his two friends.\u00a0 “He looks like he’s hurt pretty bad.\u00a0 Come on and help me move this off of ’em.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three men worked to unhitch the dead horse and move the buckboard.\u00a0 They found it difficult to move the wagon off of the person pinned below without the possibility of causing further injury.\u00a0 The process proved to be painfully slow.\u00a0 The injured man made no movement as the three worked together.\u00a0 In what seemed like an eternity, the wagon was finally removed, the man freed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Either of you got a match?”\u00a0 Hank asked.\u00a0 Remo quickly produced one from his vest pocket and handed it over.\u00a0 Hank knelt down and lit the match by the unconscious man’s face.\u00a0 “Oh, my God!”\u00a0 he said under his breath.\u00a0 “It’s Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 Cory, you ride into town\u00a0 We’ll need a buckboard or wagon, some torches and uh, anything else you can think of.\u00a0 Remo, ride back to the main house.\u00a0 Get Mr. Cartwright out here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two followed the orders given.\u00a0 They were quite used to doing as Hank told them on the ranch, and this situation seemed no different.\u00a0 Both rode hard and fast to their destinations.\u00a0 Hank remained at the accident and began to attended to his boss’s son who lay unconscious.\u00a0 Hank checked and rechecked to make sure Joe was breathing.\u00a0 He then felt over Joe’s head and found warm, sticky fluid on his hands.\u00a0 Due to the darkness, Hank was unable to see the extent of the injury, but he knew what he felt was blood.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He thought he’d try and see if he could get Joe to wake.\u00a0 “Hey, Joe.\u00a0 It’s me, Hank. Can you hear me?”\u00a0 There was no success.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hank continued to check over Joe’s body to see if there was anything he could do to help while he waited for the others to return.\u00a0 He felt over Joe’s arms and found nothing unusual.\u00a0 He began to run his hand down Joe’s right leg when he quickly pulled it back.\u00a0 He got a sick feeling in his stomach and knew Joe was indeed badly injured.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Cory had already reached town while Remo was only half way to the main house.\u00a0 Cory was riding quickly and almost ran into Sheriff Coffee and John Larson as he rounded a corner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Whoa, where you goin’ so quick?”\u00a0 Roy questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Sheriff.”\u00a0 Cory began, almost out of breath from the hard ride.\u00a0 “There’s been an accident up the road.\u00a0 A buckboard flipped over.\u00a0 It’s Joe Cartwright, sir.\u00a0 He’s hurt, and I gotta go get a wagon or something to bring him in.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Upon hearing this, John quickly asked, “Joe Cartwright?\u00a0 Was my daughter with him?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“We didn’t see nobody else.\u00a0 The accident’s straight out that road.\u00a0 Hank’s still there with Joe.”\u00a0 With that, Cory rode towards the livery stable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John and Roy quickly rode in the direction where Cory had pointed.\u00a0 They too, saw a dark mass in the road as they approached.\u00a0 Roy called out,\u00a0 “Hank? Hank you here?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Over here, Roy.”\u00a0 Hank called, recognizing the sheriff\u2019s voice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both men ran to where Hank sat next to Joe.\u00a0 “How is he?”\u00a0 Roy asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Uh…don’t really know.\u00a0 I think it’s bad though.\u00a0 His leg’s real bad.”\u00a0 Hank said, as he felt a new wave of sickness at the thought of what his hand had touched.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Have you seen my daughter?”\u00a0 John asked, beginning to feel desperate.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I haven’t seen anyone but Joe. Was someone else supposed to be here?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John began to look around the wagon.\u00a0 He felt frustrated because the darkness was thick and impaired his vision.\u00a0 Roy searched with him.\u00a0 Their efforts were futile until Cory returned with the buckboard and some torches.\u00a0 Quickly lighting the torches, Roy and John were able to see much more.\u00a0 It was John who saw his daughter and ran to her calling her name.\u00a0 Rebecca lay to the side of the road like a discarded rag doll, her head turned unnaturally to the side.\u00a0 Her breathing had ended as soon as her body had hit the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Dear God, No!”\u00a0 John screamed.\u00a0 He picked up his lifeless daughter’s body in his arms and held her close.\u00a0 “Not my baby girl!\u00a0 Rebecca!”\u00a0 John sobbed.\u00a0 Roy was quickly by John’s side and stood feeling helpless as John rocked back and forth with his daughter.\u00a0 It was a motion John had done many times when Rebecca was a baby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took some time for Roy to convince John to let go of Rebecca and place her on the buckboard beside Joe.\u00a0 Hank and Cory had worked carefully to lift Joe onto the buckboard for the short ride to the doctor’s office.\u00a0 As Hank drove the wagon, John sat in the back with his daughter and her fianc\u00e9e.\u00a0 He held his daughter’s hand and cried openly as he looked at the two still forms laying beside one another.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This was the last time the lovers would be together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Remo arrived at the main house and began calling for Mr. Cartwright before he reached the door.\u00a0 Ben had been sitting by the fire enjoying his pipe and looking at a week old newspaper.\u00a0 Adam was rereading a book he often enjoyed, and Hoss was trying to entertain himself by rebraiding a pair of reins.\u00a0 All three men rose to the call from outside, and Adam was the first to the door. Opening it, he saw Remo standing there, getting ready to knock.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Remo, what is it?\u00a0 What’s wrong?”\u00a0 Adam asked, after seeing the concerned look on the ranch hand’s face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Adam, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright, it’s Joe.\u00a0 There’s been a bad accident on the road into town.\u00a0 The buckboard’s turned.\u00a0 Joe’s been hurt.”\u00a0 A look of fear crossed each man’s face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Boy’s quick, saddle up.”\u00a0 Ben gave the order and there was no hesitation in his sons.\u00a0 Soon the Cartwright’s began the long ride to town and to Joe.\u00a0 All three ran their horses as quickly as they dared.\u00a0 They came upon the accident, but there was no sign of people, only the mass of wagon and a dead horse.\u00a0 They continued into town to Doctor Martin’s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben barely brought Buck to a stop before he was off the horse and headed into the office.\u00a0 Although it was the middle of the night, the office was brightly lit.\u00a0 He quickly pushed through the door and looked around the waiting area.\u00a0 No one was present, but he heard crying and voices in a room off to the side. Ben looked toward the voices.\u00a0 He was taken aback when he saw a body with a sheet over it.\u00a0 He swallowed hard and closed his eyes.\u00a0 “No, please no, not Joseph!”\u00a0 he prayed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss followed closely behind and were stricken with the same sight as their father.\u00a0 At that moment, the people belonging to the voices emerged from the side room.\u00a0 Ben saw Maggie and John Larson standing before him, both had tears streaming down their face.\u00a0 Suddenly, Ben felt faint. He managed to get out only one word, “Whose…?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Ben, it’s Rebecca.”\u00a0 John said quickly, after seeing his friend go pale.\u00a0 “She’s dead.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked quickly to his friends, and the three embraced.\u00a0 He continued to say over and over, “I’m so sorry.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Ben, there’s more.”\u00a0 John spoke through his own pain.\u00a0 “Joe’s hurt real bad.\u00a0 The Doc needs to see you right away.\u00a0 He asked that you let him know as soon as you got here.\u00a0 He’s in there with Joe.”\u00a0 John pointed to a room with a closed door next to the one where his daughter lay.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben immediately entered through the door to go to his son. \u00a0He did not bother to close it, and Adam and Hoss followed behind.\u00a0 He saw his youngest son laying on the table and Doctor Martin with his back to the door working.\u00a0 The Doctor turned around and seemed relieved that Joe’s family had arrived.\u00a0 “Ben, am I glad you\u2019re here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When the doctor moved, it gave Ben full view of his son.\u00a0 He saw Joe’s right pant’s leg had been cut away exposing a most gruesome sight.\u00a0 The thigh bone of his son’s right leg was showing through the skin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Ben, Joe’s leg’s really bad.\u00a0 I need your permission to amputate.”\u00a0 The doctor explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“What?\u00a0 Amputate?”\u00a0 Ben asked, unsure if he’d heard right.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Yes, I’m afraid so.\u00a0 The bone has been exposed to the air, and the chance of infection is just too great to risk.\u00a0 Joe could easily develop gangrene, and it could kill him.\u00a0 The safest thing to do is to amputate.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben couldn’t believe they were even talking of this.\u00a0 “There’s no other way?\u00a0 You can’t help him without taking his leg?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“There’s no other way that isn’t risky to Joe’s life.\u00a0 Ben, you know me, I am going to do what saves lives.\u00a0 I don’t think you can afford the gamble.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben didn’t know what to do.\u00a0 He could not think clearly.\u00a0 It was too overwhelming.\u00a0 The decision was full of risks.\u00a0 He was at a loss for an answer.\u00a0 “I’ve gotta think Paul.\u00a0 It would kill Joe if he couldn’t walk, I know that.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, we can’t risk Joe’s life.”\u00a0 Adam pointed out, concerned his father would even contemplate risking gangrene.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss heard his brother’s words and a cold shiver went through him.\u00a0 He looked at his little brother’s face, still covered with blood.\u00a0 Hoss knew Adam was right, but he also knew Joe may not be able to live with that decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Adam, Hoss, you two stay with your brother.\u00a0 I need to think.”\u00a0 Ben said and walked out.\u00a0\u00a0 Ben began to walk, and soon found himself at the church.\u00a0 He went inside, and sat in a back pew and began to pray.\u00a0 He needed guidance, and this was where he found it most.\u00a0 After praying for the right decision, he sat back and began to remember.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The first pictures which came to him were of a tiny Joseph holding his mother’s hands and taking some of his first steps.\u00a0 Joe had begun to learn to walk while Ben was away from the ranch.\u00a0 Marie had welcomed her husband home by walking his youngest son to him.\u00a0 The memory made him smile.\u00a0 The next picture in his mind was of a six year old Little Joe running through the door, slamming it loudly and proudly announcing to his father he’d finally chased down a steer and put a rope around it. \u00a0More pictures of his son’s activities began to flood his memory:\u00a0 Joe on Cochise riding like the wind;\u00a0 Joe running from his brother’s as they chased him after one of his practical jokes; Joe training a wild horse, putting it through its paces; Roy Coffee coming to Ben and telling him Joe was going to have to slow down when he rode through town; Joe and Rebecca dancing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rebecca… such a vital and beautiful girl.\u00a0 Such a blessing for Joseph.\u00a0 How was Ben going to be able to tell Joe?\u00a0 How was his son going to be able to handle this news and the pain?\u00a0 The fond memories of his active son left Ben’s mind and all thoughts focused on the loss Joe was going to experience.\u00a0 Ben knew the pain of losing someone he loved only too well.\u00a0 He had prayed his sons would never experience that kind of pain, but here it was.\u00a0 Joseph, the child he felt was already the most emotionally vulnerable, was going to have to feel a pain that was greater than any other Ben had ever experienced.\u00a0 Ben wasn’t sure how he himself had survived it and he had no idea how he could help his son get through it.\u00a0 Why had this happened?\u00a0 Rebecca dead?\u00a0 Joe could still die or be a cripple?\u00a0 How had things gone from so good to this?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 It was then he realized that he could not let Joe lose everything.\u00a0 He could not let Paul take Joe’s independence too.\u00a0 He felt he had his answer, and he returned to Dr. Martin’s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Paul, I’ve made my decision.\u00a0 I want you to try and save Joe’s leg.”\u00a0 Ben said with a determined look.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“This is just foolishness!”\u00a0 Paul exclaimed.\u00a0 “Ben you are risking his life. Do you not understand this?!\u00a0 I won’t do it!”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam had heard their father’s decision and both were shocked.\u00a0 “Pa, Joe could die.” Hoss said, his fear evident in his words.\u00a0 Hoss really wanted the doctor to be able to save Joe’s leg.\u00a0 However, he was torn between what he knew could happen to Joe if the doctor didn’t amputate, and what could happen to Joe if he did.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph is MY son, MINE!”\u00a0 Ben felt desperate.\u00a0 He wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to keep Joe from more loss, but he had to try.\u00a0 “I have made the decision, and I want you to carry out my wishes, end of discussion!\u00a0 Hoss, you and Adam both know your brother.\u00a0 I will not have him lose Rebecca and his leg too.\u00a0 That cannot be.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, that doesn’t make any sense!” Adam couldn’t believe what he was hearing.\u00a0 His father was speaking as if the outcome of this decision could be controlled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I have to do this!\u00a0 He won’t survive if he loses both!”\u00a0 Ben tried to get them to see his point.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, that’s crazy.\u00a0 You’re not thinking straight.\u00a0 We can get him through it. Joe can still have a very good life.”\u00a0 Adam attempted to get his father to listen to reason.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Paul, surely you know of something that can be done.\u00a0 Something you can try.”\u00a0 Ben was wanting to encourage the doctor to try and think of anything that may help Joseph.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“There has been some work in this area back east that I’ve read about in a journal, but it’s insane to even risk it.”\u00a0 Dr. Martin responded, still unable to accept Ben’s decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Can you do what they are doing back east?”\u00a0 Ben continued to push.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I don’t know.\u00a0 I don’t have the experience.\u00a0 I cannot advise you to try something this foolhardy and risk Joe’s life.”\u00a0 Doctor Martin knew Ben was desperate with concern for his son.\u00a0 He also knew Joseph well and agreed with Ben that it would devastate the young man to be unable to walk.\u00a0 However, the physician in him told him the wise thing to do was to take the leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had had enough.\u00a0 “Listen to me, and listen good.\u00a0 I have made my decision and it is final.\u00a0 Paul, you know me and you know I am a man who does as he says he will.\u00a0 If you do not follow my decision I will be forced to do something we both may regret.\u00a0 There has got to be some way of helping him and of keeping his leg.\u00a0 I will accept nothing else.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

No one spoke as the four men looked at each other.\u00a0 It was a stand off, and Ben was determined to win.\u00a0 He looked at his son laying on the table and felt more certain his decision had to be followed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was Dr. Martin who broke the silence.\u00a0 “Okay Ben, I will do as you wish, but you need to know a few things.\u00a0 If, and that’s a big if, I can save the leg AND Joe’s life, he’ll have an extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful recovery. \u00a0Even then he may never walk without a limp.\u00a0 He may never be able to ride a horse.\u00a0 He may always be in pain.\u00a0 If he gets gangrene it can easily kill him.\u00a0 We won\u2019t know for three or four days if he has developed the infection.\u00a0 Then, it may be too late.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben’s eyes welled with tears. “I’ve got to give him the chance.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss watched their father intently.\u00a0 They both feared for their brother and their father.\u00a0 Adam wondered if Ben could live with himself if this was the wrong decision, and they lost Joe.\u00a0 He thought his father was taking too big of a risk.\u00a0 He felt that Joe’s being able to ride a horse or even walk wasn’t worth the gamble.\u00a0 As a family they had lost too many people they loved, and Adam didn’t know how much more they could take.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss looked over at Joe.\u00a0 He wished it was him lying there, rather than his little brother.\u00a0 Hoss believed his strength would survive something like this, but Joe looked so young and small.\u00a0 Hoss began to pray harder than he ever had that Joe would be all right.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Men, I’m going to need one of you to help set that bone.\u00a0 I’m going to need whoever does it to be the one that puts it back in place.\u00a0 Doing something like this requires a great deal more strength than I have, I’m afraid.” Paul stated.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Without thinking twice, Hoss stated, “I’m the strongest of all of us.\u00a0 I want to do it.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Son, are you sure?\u00a0 I can do it.”\u00a0 Ben volunteered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“No Pa.\u00a0 I’ll do it.\u00a0 Paul, what do you want me to do?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul instructed Hoss as to what he wanted him to do and asked Adam to hold Joe’s shoulders.\u00a0 Although, Joe was unconscious, the doctor knew Hoss’s strength, and he didn’t want Joe moved anymore than necessary.\u00a0 Ben stood back watching the men get into place.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Hoss, you and I are going to have to work together. \u00a0We’ve got to make sure the bone goes back into place properly.\u00a0 When I count to three, I want you to pull back and push down at the same time.\u00a0 You need to do it slowly, so I can help guide where the bone is going.”\u00a0 Paul instructed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul noticed Hoss looked up at Joe’s face, the concern showing.\u00a0 “Hoss, he can’t feel it.\u00a0 I promise.”\u00a0 Paul hoped this was indeed true.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss continued to look at Joe’s face and said quietly, “Sorry to do this to you, little buddy.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul moved next to Hoss so they were holding Joe’s leg in the same area.\u00a0 “Okay Hoss.\u00a0 Ready?\u00a0 One…Two…Three.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss did as instructed and felt the bone move back into place.\u00a0 He looked at Joe’s face to see any reaction, but there was nothing.\u00a0 He locked eyes with Adam, who looked pale from what he had seen.\u00a0 Hoss looked down at his hands and saw blood.\u00a0 He felt queasy and walked quickly out of the room.\u00a0 He went outside and was ill.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul continued to feel Joe’s leg to determine if the bone was in place.\u00a0 He noticed there was a great deal of blood coming from the wound.\u00a0 Calmly he said to Ben and Adam, “Okay, I need you both to leave now.\u00a0 One of you go and fetch my nurse, Jenny.\u00a0 Tell her I need her in here to assist me.\u00a0 I’ve gotta stop the bleeding.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul didn’t look up from working on Joe, and Adam saw him grab a scalpel as they left and entered the waiting room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, I’ll get Jenny.”\u00a0 Adam said and walked away just as Hoss reentered the waiting area.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Thank you, Adam.”\u00a0 Ben said, his shoulders slumping.\u00a0 “Hoss, you okay?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Yeah, it just got to me, I guess.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew what his son meant.\u00a0 He had watched what Hoss had done and had himself felt ill.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, what’s goin’ on?\u00a0 Why did you and Adam come out here?”\u00a0 Hoss said feeling alarmed again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Son, Joe’s leg has started to bleed pretty bad.\u00a0 Paul needs to sew it up.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Was I too rough?\u00a0 I must have hurt him.”\u00a0 Hoss was alarmed now.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“No, don’t even think that son.\u00a0 You helped give Joe the only chance he really has.”\u00a0 Ben put his arm around his son and patted his back.\u00a0 “Thank you for what you did.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam returned with Jenny, and she quickly disappeared into the room where the doctor was working.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, how is he?”\u00a0 Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Don’t know yet.\u00a0 We’re still waiting.”\u00a0 Ben answered.\u00a0 He soon noticed John and Maggie had remained in the waiting room.\u00a0 They were holding each other and talking quietly.\u00a0 “John, Maggie, you two look exhausted.\u00a0 I can help take care of the arrangements for Rebecca if you’d like.\u00a0 Looks like we’re going to be here a while.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“You look just as tired as us, and you’ve got Joe to worry about.”\u00a0 Maggie pointed out.\u00a0 “We want to stay here with Rebecca till we can get her, um…where she needs to be.”\u00a0 Maggie was crying again.\u00a0 “We want to stay here for Joe as well.\u00a0 How’s he doing?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben filled them in on Joe and his decision.\u00a0 As he talked, Ben realized the depths of his fatigue.\u00a0 He looked at his pocket watch and noted the time was three in the morning.\u00a0 He knew there would be no peaceful rest for a while; the nightmare was just beginning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At three-thirty, Dr. Martin emerged from the room where he had worked on Joe.\u00a0 “Ben, I’ve done what I can do.\u00a0 The rest is up to Joe and God.\u00a0 He’s still unconscious which concerns me greatly.\u00a0 There are some broken ribs and his shoulder is banged up pretty bad.\u00a0 He’s covered in bruising, but I don’t believe there are internal injuries.\u00a0 At least he’s not having symptoms right now.\u00a0 From the looks of him, I’d say the majority of the wagon’s impact was on the leg.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Paul, thank you.\u00a0 I know you are going against what you feel is right.\u00a0 I have to do what I feel is right, and so, I uh, got a little carried away in there.\u00a0 I’m sorry for that.”\u00a0 Ben apologized.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I know that.\u201d\u00a0 Paul said to his friend.\u00a0 It’s because you love your son.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Can I see him?”\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I think that would be good for both of you.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben needed no further encouragement and moved quickly to his son’s bedside.\u00a0 He was surprised to see that although Joe looked pale, it was difficult to tell that he had been in an accident\u00a0 just by looking at his face.\u00a0 It looked as if he were merely asleep.\u00a0 Ben patted his son’s hand and spoke softly to him.\u00a0 “You’re going to be fine, just fine, Joseph.”\u00a0 Ben said trying to reassure himself.\u00a0 He made himself comfortable for the night in the chair next to his unconscious son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bright sunlight streamed through the doctor’s office windows and morning came too quickly.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam had made themselves as comfortable as possible in the waiting room.\u00a0 Maggie and John had retreated to the room where their daughter lay.\u00a0 Ben was sleeping fitfully and easily woke when Dr. Martin entered the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Sorry Ben, I wanted to take a look and see how he’s doing.”\u00a0 Dr. Martin explained as he pulled back the blankets to check Joe’s leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was up and on his feet immediately.\u00a0 He walked to where the doctor was working on Joe and watched.\u00a0 His son’s leg was grossly swollen and horribly bruised.\u00a0 The doctor examined the incision and felt Joe’s forehead.\u00a0 He sighed deeply.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“How does it look?”\u00a0 Ben asked, afraid of the answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a knock on the door as Adam and Hoss entered.\u00a0 “Pa, how is he?”\u00a0 Adam questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Paul was just going to tell me.”\u00a0 Ben answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“He’s got some infection, and his leg is much more swollen today.\u00a0 I’m not going to make a splint until that swelling goes down considerably.\u00a0 Although I am pleased that he does not have much weeping from the wound.\u00a0 It’s good he’s young and healthy, but I am concerned that he is still unconscious.\u00a0 He hit his head hard, but I was hoping he’d be coming out of it by now.\u00a0 The blood loss and the injury to the leg may have something to do with it.\u00a0 I just don’t know.”\u00a0 Dr. Martin reported.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Is there anything we can do?”\u00a0 Ben was hopeful that there was something that could help.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Just pray, Ben.\u00a0 That’s all that is left.\u00a0 In the meantime, you three need to eat something and try and get some more rest.\u00a0 Joe’s going to need you all healthy. I’ve got to help Maggie and John get Rebecca to the undertaker so I’ll be gone for a little while.”\u00a0 Paul said, leaving the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul’s final statement had reminded the three men of the tragedy that had occurred the previous evening.\u00a0 Hoss was the first to speak. “Pa, how\u2019re we gonna tell Joe about Rebecca?\u00a0 I’m ‘fraid he’s not gonna be able to handle it.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I don’t know son.\u00a0 I just don’t know.”\u00a0 Ben dreaded the time when he’d have to tell his son what had happened.\u00a0 He hoped he was wrong in his fear regarding Joe’s reaction.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The day passed slowly as the family held vigil.\u00a0 Little conversation passed between the three men as they sat, each lost in his own thoughts.\u00a0 The doctor returned to the office and notified them that Rebecca’s burial was to occur later that afternoon.\u00a0 Arranging for burials to occur quickly was the usual custom in the summertime, but this was faster than most.\u00a0 Maggie and John had decided they wanted to put their daughter to rest as soon as possible.\u00a0 They had wanted Joe to be able to attend, but the doctor had informed them this probably would be impossible any time in the near future, given Joe’s condition.\u00a0 With that knowledge, they decided to bury her that day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew he needed to attend the burial, not only to pay his own respects, but to be there for Joe.\u00a0 Ben was concerned how Joe would handle Rebecca being buried without being there, so he was going to make sure he could tell his son anything Joe needed to know. Ben had remembered burying his sons\u2019 mothers, and although he didn\u2019t care to think about it, he knew it was all part of the grief.\u00a0 Although Adam was not fond of burials at all, he volunteered to accompany his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Later that afternoon,\u00a0 Adam and Ben left the doctor’s office to attend Rebecca’s burial.\u00a0 Hoss stayed behind with Joe and promised his father he would send word if Joe’s condition changed, and Ben was needed.\u00a0 As Hoss sat next to his younger brother, he started to notice Joe’s face was showing a bit of a winch every few minutes.\u00a0 At first he’d thought the movement was in his imagination, but as he watched, Joe’s face was definitely moving slightly.\u00a0 Hoss began to talk to Joe hoping it would help to bring him around.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey Joe,\u00a0 you know you need to open those eyes of yours and wake up.\u00a0 You can\u2019t be sleeping your whole life away.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got things to do, and I\u2019m missing out on Hop Sing\u2019s cooking while you get your beauty rest.\u00a0 Now you listen to old Hoss and wake up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss continued coaxing and talking to Joe.\u00a0 Hoss knew it was going to be very hard on his little brother to find out about Rebecca, but he\u2019d vowed he\u2019d do what was needed to get Joe through it.\u00a0 He wanted his brother to be okay again.\u00a0 Hoss felt he needed Joe just as much as he knew Joe needed him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe lay in a fog where he could from time to time feel pain and hear voices.\u00a0 When he would try to move or cry out, it felt as if he was fighting against a strong current pushing him back down.\u00a0 Time and again he easily surrendered and move deeper into the fog.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The cemetery in Virginia City was just outside of town.\u00a0 Ben and Adam arrived just as the service started.\u00a0 There was a large turnout to pay their respects to the family.\u00a0 The crowd was comprised of many of the people who had attended Joe and Rebecca’s engagement party just a few short weeks before.\u00a0 The atmosphere was solemn and tears were shed freely.\u00a0 Maggie was so overcome with grief that John had to hold her up while the preacher spoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

During the service, Adam’s mind kept returning to the times he had stood and watched two of his father’s wives buried.\u00a0 He tried to distract himself from the thoughts, but they intruded nonetheless.\u00a0 The pictures in his mind were so vivid.\u00a0 The feelings so fresh.\u00a0 He wondered if it would ever get easier to think of the deaths of Marie and Inger without feeling as if it just happened.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben ran the gamut of emotions during the service.\u00a0 He thought over Joe’s courtship with Rebecca.\u00a0 The two had been so perfectly matched.\u00a0 He felt himself getting angry when he thought of how wrong it was for this to have happened.\u00a0 The preacher’s words came in and out of Ben’s awareness as he continued to be lost in his own thoughts.\u00a0 Upon hearing the preacher talk about the love the Larson’s had for their daughter, Ben looked over at them and saw the grief on their faces.\u00a0 He felt a twinge of guilt when he had the thought that he was relieved it was not his child being lowered into the ground.\u00a0 Ben also thought of the burials of his wives.\u00a0 He knew the pain he had suffered and the pain of his children.\u00a0 It was so hard to understand the \u201cwhy\u201d of all of this.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The service concluded and Ben remained momentarily frozen.\u00a0 He found it so odd that the burial was the end for the people not directly impacted by the death.\u00a0 They would go about their day and life without the death having bothered them.\u00a0 How different it was for the people who had loved the deceased.\u00a0 They would always be impacted by the loss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mourners approached the Larson\u2019s offering their individual condolences.\u00a0 People also came up to Ben and Adam asking about Joe.\u00a0 Ben, always polite and courteous, answered them.\u00a0 Adam, wanting to be free of the people and the emotion\u00a0 wandered away to a more secluded spot to wait for his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, it was only the two Cartwrights, and Maggie and John at the cemetery.\u00a0 Ben spoke first.\u00a0 \u201cMaggie. John.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry this has happened.\u00a0 I\u2019m having such a difficult time understanding why this had to happen.\u00a0 I\u2019m not real sure we\u2019re ever going to get the answer.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, your asking the same question I am.\u201d\u00a0 John began.\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn\u2019t seem right that Rebecca should be taken from us like this.\u00a0 She was so full of life.\u00a0 I just can\u2019t believe it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There had been something that had not been addressed by the grieving parents that Ben felt had to be talked about.\u00a0 He needed to know if they felt Joseph was to blame in any way for the accident.\u00a0 He knew it would be easy for a parent to look for someone to blame and, he would not be surprised if that was how the Larson\u2019s felt.\u00a0 Ben felt he needed to know for Joe.\u00a0 He wanted to be able to help his son if this were the case.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was unsure how to approach the subject, but decided he just needed to ask.\u00a0 \u201cJohn, Maggie, about the accident, I was wanting to know if you had any hard feelings towards Joseph?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy God, Ben.\u00a0 No.\u201d John quickly answered.\u00a0 \u201cJoe would never would\u2019ve done anything to hurt Rebecca.\u00a0 It was an accident we know that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve grown so fond of your son, Ben.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said through her tears.\u00a0 \u201cI would never blame him.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t concern yourself at all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt relieved that the Larson\u2019s were so loving of his son and understood that Joe would never hurt Rebecca intentionally.\u00a0 He said good bye to the Larson\u2019s, collected Adam, and returned to the doctor\u2019s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

By the time Ben and Adam arrived at the doctor’s office, Joe had begun to stir again.\u00a0 As he tried to travel through the fog he moved closer to a deep burning pain.\u00a0 It confused him because he was unable to determine what was hurting or where.\u00a0 Joe’s struggle showed on his face, and his family noticed.\u00a0 Ben moved in closer to Joe and started to encourage his son to open his eyes.\u00a0 Joe heard the voice, but didn’t know whose it was.\u00a0 He wasn’t sure he wanted to do as the voice said.\u00a0 As he struggled to open his eyes, he also felt more pain.\u00a0 He decided he would not listen to the voice right now and fell back into the fog.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Afternoon turned to evening and the process of Joe’s return to consciousness continued.\u00a0 Adam, Hoss and Ben sat in the room with Joe and talked to each other and to Joe as much as possible.\u00a0 Joe had to use all of his energy to move closer to wakening.\u00a0 His body was determined to wake, but his mind remained hesitant.\u00a0 His eyes flickered and then opened.\u00a0 He saw only white and blurred images as nothing was in focus.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Upon seeing Joe’s eyes open, Ben attempted to help.\u00a0 “That’s it Joe. Wake up. It’s time to wake up, now.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked towards the voice he heard and saw his father.\u00a0 The image he saw did not completely register.\u00a0 He knew it was his father, but why was he there?\u00a0 What was going on? \u00a0He began to feel the pain much stronger as it became quite intense.\u00a0 He reached for his leg and started to pull at the blankets.\u00a0 Ben grabbed his hand and spoke.\u00a0 “No Joe.\u00a0 Don’t do that.\u00a0 You’re okay, son.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt frustrated and quickly tired.\u00a0 Nothing made sense, and he needed to see why his leg was hurting so bad.\u00a0 His father was holding his hand and he wanted him to let go.\u00a0 He struggled briefly and then slipped away, back into the fog.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched his son fade away again and sat back to wait for Joe to come back.\u00a0 Dr. Martin entered the room to check on his patient.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“He still coming out of it?”\u00a0 Paul asked as he looked over at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Yeah, he’s opened his eyes, but didn’t say anything.\u00a0 Paul how long can this go on?”\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Hard to tell\u00a0 It takes a while to shake it off.\u00a0 You just keep doing what you\u2019re doing.\u00a0 Um, Ben, we need to talk about what you are going to tell him about, uh, how you are going to break the news to him.\u00a0 You know he needs to remain still and calm.\u00a0 I think you should try not to tell him unless he asks, and even then, try and put it off.\u00a0 His emotional state is important for his recovery.”\u00a0 Paul said, as he felt Joe’s forehead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“His fever is increasing.”\u00a0 Paul placed a cool rag on Joe\u2019s forehead. He then pulled back the blankets and lifted the bandage on Joe’s leg.\u00a0 He became concerned regarding the redness he saw.\u00a0 The wound was going to have to be cleaned out again.\u00a0 Paul picked up the alcohol and poured it onto the stitches.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe groaned as the alcohol burned.\u00a0 His eyes opened as he attempted to find out what was hurting him.\u00a0 He looked at the doctor and tried to understand what was happening.\u00a0 What had happened last?\u00a0 Everything was so fuzzy.\u00a0 He spoke quietly, “What happened?”\u00a0 The attempt to speak required a great amount of energy, and Joe was back unconscious before he could hear the answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe continued to wake with the same question and was unable to remain awake for the answer.\u00a0 There was one question they waited to hear, but Joe did not ask about Rebecca.\u00a0 He began to become more aware of his surroundings each time he came around.\u00a0 The pain eventually became a constant and unrelenting presence.\u00a0 It was this that eventually brought Joe completely around.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe moaned and opened his eyes.\u00a0 He looked at his father and brothers and saw them become more clear in his vision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Hey, welcome back, little buddy.”\u00a0 Hoss said, smiling at his brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Mmm…what…happened?”\u00a0 Joe asked his face showing the pain he was feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben took over.\u00a0 “Joe, you were in any accident, but you\u2019re gonna be fine, just fine.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Accident?”\u00a0 He didn’t remember an accident.\u00a0 He touched his head and felt the bandage.\u00a0 He hurt so bad.\u00a0 “What…accident?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Son, it’s okay.\u00a0 You just need to rest and get better.\u00a0 There’s time to talk later.”\u00a0 Ben attempted to avoid his son’s question.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Why…does it hurt…so bad?”\u00a0 Joe continued to question.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“You broke your leg pretty bad.\u00a0 You need to be real still and quiet.\u00a0 You’ve got some broken ribs and hit to your head.” Ben explained<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul moved towards a medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle.\u00a0 He walked back over to his patient and spoke.\u00a0 “Joe,\u00a0 I’m going to give you something for the pain.\u00a0 I can’t give you a whole lot right now, but this can take the edge off a bit.\u00a0 I bet you could use a glass of water too.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn’t realize how thirsty he was until the doctor said something.\u00a0 Adam was immediately out the door to get his brother a drink.\u00a0 He had been quietly watching the events in the room.\u00a0 He was still thinking of the burial that afternoon and was becoming more uncomfortable with what he knew was going to happen as soon as Joe was told.\u00a0 At times the reason Adam and Joe clashed so badly was because of the intensity of Joe’s emotions.\u00a0 The intensity made Adam uncomfortable.\u00a0 Joe being out of control and showing intense emotions made Adam want to run away.\u00a0 Adam was unsure if he could tolerate seeing his brother’s emotional pain.\u00a0 It would remind him too much of his own.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam returned with the water and gave it to his little brother.\u00a0 “Go easy.”\u00a0 He said as Joe tried to drink it too fast.\u00a0 Adam moved the hair off Joe’s forehead and smiled at him.\u00a0 He wished Joe would stay in the state of not knowing Rebecca had died.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“That stuff starting to work yet?\u00a0 You feel any better?”\u00a0 Hoss asked, anxious to see his brother out of pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe shook his head no and Paul added,\u00a0 “It’s a little soon, Hoss.\u00a0 Joe, we need to get some food into you soon.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eating was the last thing on Joe’s mind, and he made a face at the idea.\u00a0 He could only think of how bad he hurt, and the mention of food brought on nausea.\u00a0 Finally as he lay there he began to feel the lightheaded feeling the medicine brought.\u00a0 It dulled his headache and the pain in his ribs, but did very little to touch the pain in his leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Well if I can’t get you interested in eating, I do know you need peace and quiet.\u00a0 It’s late everyone, and none of you got much sleep last night.\u00a0 You all need to get some rest.\u00a0 We don’t need to be doing a lot of talking right now.”\u00a0 Paul pointed out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Paul’s right. Boys, why don’t you go and get a room at the hotel and get some rest.\u00a0 I’m going to stay here with Joe.”\u00a0 Ben had no intention of leaving the doctor’s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa, you need to get some sleep, too.\u00a0 Adam or I can stay here with Joe.” Hoss volunteered.\u00a0 He had seen how tired his father was and knew if Ben stayed the night there he would not sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“No, Hoss.\u00a0 I’m staying here.\u00a0 Go on now you two.”\u00a0 With that, Hoss and Adam said goodnight to their Pa and Joe and left the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Before leaving himself, Paul gave instructions for Ben to periodically wake Joe during the night to help insure Joe would not fall back into unconsciousness and to replace the cool rag on Joe\u2019s forehead once in a while.\u00a0 Finally, Ben and Joe were alone.\u00a0 Joe was feeling tired and not up to talking, so he lay quietly trying to manage the pain in his body.\u00a0 Ben was relieved that his son was not up to talking.\u00a0 He wanted Joe stronger before he had to tell him about Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually Ben began to doze.\u00a0 Joe lay with his eyes closed, but was unable to sleep.\u00a0 He laid in the dark trying to think of anything to distract him from his throbbing leg.\u00a0 He returned to trying to reconstruct the last memories he had before he woke up in Dr. Martin’s office.\u00a0 He could recall the morning at the ranch and his volunteering to go to town for supplies.\u00a0 He had stopped at Rebecca’s before picking up the supplies.\u00a0 They had gone on a ride together, ending up at their favorite place.\u00a0 They had laughed and talked.\u00a0 Then he remembered the wedding invitation.\u00a0 He thought of how beautiful Rebecca looked and how much he wanted her.\u00a0 His thoughts then went to what had finally occurred between them.\u00a0 He had made love to her.\u00a0 He focused on that time with her and how wonderful it had been.\u00a0 She had been as passionate as he had, and it left him wanting more.\u00a0 He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That was where the memories ended for him.\u00a0 It was confusing.\u00a0 What had happened next?\u00a0 Where was Rebecca?\u00a0 He suddenly became anxious.\u00a0 What if his accident caused a delay in the wedding?\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want that to happen, and he knew he would do whatever it took to get better quickly.\u00a0 His thoughts turned to the wedding and eventually he fell off to sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben checked on Joe several times during the night.\u00a0 Joe would stir and mumble something, then Ben would settle back again to doze.\u00a0 Ben awoke in the morning with a cramp in his neck from having slept in the chair.\u00a0 He stood and stretched and then moved towards his sleeping son.\u00a0 Ben checked his son\u2019s temperature and noted that Joe was still quite warm.\u00a0 He re-wet the rag and placed it on his son\u2019s forehead.\u00a0 This made Joe wake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, Joe.\u00a0 How\u2019re you doing?\u201d Ben asked with concern.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Upon waking, the pain immediately hit hard.\u00a0 The medication the doctor had given Joe had long since worn off.\u00a0 He was very tired and wanted to continue to sleep, but once awake he knew it would be difficult to drift off again.\u00a0 \u201cUm… I\u2019m okay.\u201d Joe managed to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was hard for Ben to see Joe in such pain.\u00a0 He knew his decision had increased his son\u2019s physical suffering.\u00a0 He prayed it would not result in a disaster.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I don\u2019t really believe that, but I think you\u2019ll be okay soon.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa…my wedding…I gotta make it there.\u201d\u00a0 Joe had dreamed of Rebecca, and his upcoming wedding naturally came to mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben diverted his eyes from his son.\u00a0 \u201cSon, don\u2019t worry about that right now.\u00a0 You just have to concentrate on getting better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was so hard for Joe to talk, but he had questions he wanted answered.\u00a0 Like why Rebecca hadn\u2019t come to see him yet.\u00a0 \u201cWhere\u2019s Rebecca?\u201d\u00a0 Joe questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart skipped a beat.\u00a0 Joe had asked it, and Ben did not know what to say.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you have to be quiet and rest now.\u00a0 We can talk later.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut…I need…to talk to her.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to explain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot now, Joseph. You don\u2019t need to be talking at all.\u00a0 You need to have something to eat.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was increasingly anxious.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe noticed his father\u2019s anxiety, and it didn\u2019t make sense. \u00a0Joe didn\u2019t want anything to eat.\u00a0 He wanted to talk to Rebecca.\u00a0 Why wasn\u2019t his father answering him?\u00a0 Joe started to get the feeling that something was wrong.\u00a0 His father was avoiding his question.\u00a0 What was wrong with Rebecca?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Pa…where’s Rebecca?\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong?”\u00a0 Joe asked again looking into his father’s eyes. He saw his father’s expression and Ben’s eyes began to well with tears.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Um, son…”\u00a0 Ben was having trouble forming the words.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A soft moan rose up from Joe as he realized what his father was going to tell him. “No Pa…”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph, I’m sorry, son.\u00a0 Rebecca’s dead.”\u00a0 Ben could no longer hold back the tears after seeing the look on his son’s face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt his father’s words hit him like fists.\u00a0 He was just with her.\u00a0 He had made love to her, and they were going to soon be married.\u00a0 What his father was saying could not be true.\u00a0 Joe began to panic.\u00a0 His voice started softly, but increased in volume and emotion as he talked\u00a0 “No, Pa.\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It’s not true.\u00a0 Don\u2019t say that!\u00a0 YOU\u2019RE WRONG!\u00a0 SHE’S OKAY, PA!”\u00a0 Joe was beginning to become hysterical.\u00a0 Tears were falling down his face, and he was beginning to move around in the bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joe, son, you’ve got to calm down.\u00a0 You can’t be moving around.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“NO PA! NO!\u00a0 YOU’RE LYING TO ME!\u00a0 SHE’S NOT DEAD!\u00a0 SHE’S NOT!\u00a0 SHE’S MARRYING ME PA!\u00a0 SHE AND ME ARE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER!”\u00a0 Joe was screaming at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph, it’s okay son.\u00a0 You’re going to be okay.\u00a0 It’s all going to be okay.”\u00a0 Ben was unsure how to comfort his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“NO!\u00a0 ITS NOT OKAY, PA!\u00a0 YOU\u2019RE WRONG!\u00a0 BRING HER HERE, I WANT TO SEE HER!”\u00a0 Joe demanded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I can’t bring her here, Joe.\u00a0 I’m sorry, son.” His heart was breaking for his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“YOU HAVE TO!\u00a0 I WANT TO SEE HER!\u00a0 I HAVE TO SEE HER!\u00a0 I…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joe…” Ben tried to speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u00a0 DON\u2019T SAY IT!\u00a0 I LOVE HER!\u00a0 I NEED HER!\u00a0 THIS CAN\u2019T HAPPEN!\u00a0 YOU\u2019VE GOTTA HELP ME!\u201d\u00a0 Joe begged, grabbing a hold of his father arm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was having more and more difficulty trying to control Joe\u2019s panic. \u201cSon, you\u2019ve got to stop.\u00a0 You\u2019re hurting yourself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had not felt any pain since he had realized what had happened to Rebecca.\u00a0 \u201cI DON\u2019T CARE IF I HURT MYSELF, PA!\u00a0 WHERE IS SHE?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s been buried already, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBURIED, PA?!…\u201d\u00a0 For a moment Joe stopped screaming as the news settled in.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t see her?…I can\u2019t hold her?\u201d…Joe was now trying to get out of bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, stop it now!\u00a0 You have to stay in bed.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to stop his determined son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had entered the doctor\u2019s office just before Joe was told Rebecca was dead.\u00a0 They were speaking with Paul, when Joe began to scream.\u00a0 Hoss closed his eyes.\u00a0 Joe sounded so pained and desperate.\u00a0 He looked over at Adam and could see he was having just as hard of a time.\u00a0 They both heard their father\u2019s need for help, so it was a race through the door.\u00a0 When they entered, they saw Joe fighting against his father, who was trying to restrain him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe you can\u2019t be doing this!\u201d\u00a0 Ben continued to try and get his son under control.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was inconsolable.\u00a0 He was crying uncontrollably and was pushing against his father.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know where he wanted to go, or even if he could move.\u00a0 He simply wanted to fight against the news he had heard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, Hoss, I need your help.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said noting the arrival of reinforcements.\u00a0 \u201cHelp me get him to lay down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI DON\u2019T WANT TO LAY DOWN!\u00a0 I WANT TO SEE REBECCA!\u00a0 SHE\u2019S ALONE AND NEEDS ME!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam gently began to push Joe back down.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSTOP IT ADAM!\u201d\u00a0 Joe commanded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul had been witness to the scene going on and realized Joe was not calming down.\u00a0 If anything, the more his father tried to help him, the more worked up he became.\u00a0 Paul went to his medicine cabinet and grabbed a sedative and a syringe.\u00a0 He prepared the shot, and then said, \u201cHoss hold his arm.\u00a0 I going to give him something to calm him down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO YOU\u2019RE NOT!\u201d\u00a0 Joe snapped back and continued to struggle.\u00a0 As Hoss grabbed Joe\u2019s arm, Joe looked at him with desperation in his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss held out Joe\u2019s arm.\u00a0 Joe did not have much strength left, so it did not take much effort on Hoss\u2019s part.\u00a0 Paul gave Joe the shot and then moved away from the struggling young man.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s movements slowed as the medication took effect.\u00a0 He stopped fighting and yelling.\u00a0 He put his arm over his eyes and simply cried.\u00a0 No one spoke as they watched Joe cry himself to sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a while before anyone moved.\u00a0 Ben finally let out a sigh and moved over to the chair he had slept in the night before.\u00a0 He put his head in his hands and tried to pull himself together.\u00a0 Adam walked over and put his hand on his father\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Hoss remained next to his younger brother watching a tear fall down Joe\u2019s cheek.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It would be a long time before Joe cried again for his Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul began to re-examined Joe\u2019s leg.\u00a0 He was concerned that Joe\u2019s movements from that morning had further injured his leg.\u00a0 He was also quite amazed that Joe could move like he did in such an extraordinary amount of pain.\u00a0 \u201cBen, he cannot be moving like that again.\u00a0 He just can\u2019t.\u00a0 We\u2019re already hoping for a miracle, and his leg\u2019s not going to take much more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI understand.\u00a0 What can we do?\u201d\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t want Joe to be upset like that again either.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt may be best to keep him sedated for a little while.\u00a0 It will help him with the pain and also keep him quiet.\u00a0 With the medicine it will seem to you all like he\u2019s drunk.\u201d\u00a0 Paul explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo what you have to do.\u201d\u00a0 Ben responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam felt the need to get himself and his father outside for a little while.\u00a0 He saw the strain was taking its toll on Ben and wanted to intercede.\u00a0 He decided to ask his father.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I think I\u2019m going to take a walk.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you come?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNo son.\u00a0 I\u2019m staying here.\u00a0 Hoss why don\u2019t you go.\u00a0 Both of you could stand a little fresh air.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you need to get out of here for a few minutes.\u00a0 We\u2019ll come right back.\u201d\u00a0 Adam persisted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said firmly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2019s right.\u00a0 You get out of here for a few minutes and get some air.\u00a0 I\u2019ll watch Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss pushed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, they\u2019re both right.\u201d\u00a0 Paul agreed.\u00a0 \u201cOne difficult patient is all I need.\u00a0 Take a walk. It will do you good.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben accepted he was out numbered and went out into the sunshine with his oldest son.\u00a0 They had begun walking with no particular destination in mind.\u00a0 Adam knew his father needed to talk, so he began the conversation.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I know this is hard for you.\u00a0 I can tell you are reliving a lot of things.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben found it easy to talk to his eldest son.\u00a0 He had been through so much with Adam.\u00a0 They both had felt a lot of pain in losing the women in Ben\u2019s life.\u00a0 \u201cYes, it seems it has all come back.\u00a0 I cannot help but think about your mother, and Hoss\u2019s and Joe\u2019s right now.\u00a0 This is just too close to what has happened before.\u00a0 How are you doing with it, son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m okay, Pa.\u00a0 I just think that it\u2019s going to be a very long time before things are back to normal.\u201d\u00a0 Adam sighed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just hope things can go back to normal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean Joe, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh. He\u2019s going to have a rough go of it.\u00a0 He really loved her.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, shaking his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon, Roy Coffee appeared and approached Ben and Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, Adam, how\u2019s Little Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Roy asked, his concern showing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben thought over what they had just experienced with Joe and said,\u00a0 \u201cRoy, he\u2019s about as good as can be expected.\u00a0 He\u2019s having a real hard time with Rebecca\u2019s death.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d imagine.\u00a0 You tell him I\u2019m thinking about him.\u00a0 Oh, by the way,\u00a0 I went out to the accident scene again to make up a report for the inquest, and there is something strange about it.\u00a0 Where Joe and Rebecca\u2019s bodies ended up just doesn\u2019t make sense to me.\u201d\u00a0 Roy explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s strange about it?\u201d Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell if Joe was running the horses with that buckboard, then he should have been by the brake.\u00a0 If that were so, then there was no way he could have ended up pinned under the wagon.\u00a0 It was the side with the brake that pitched over.\u00a0 He should have been thrown.\u00a0 What does Joe say about the accident?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRoy, he doesn\u2019t remember it.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t even know it was a buckboard accident.\u201d\u00a0 Ben answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHum…I told this to Maggie and John as well.\u00a0 From everything I can tell, it seems Rebecca was driving the buckboard.\u00a0 John didn\u2019t think she knew how, but, he said knowing his daughter, he\u2019s not surprised.\u00a0 Anyway, I wanted to let you know what I\u2019d seen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Roy for your diligence.\u201d\u00a0 Ben shook the sheriff\u2019s hand, and he and Adam continued their walk.\u00a0 A walk that eventually returned them to the doctor\u2019s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Around noon, Maggie Larson appeared at the doctor\u2019s office with a basket.\u00a0 She knocked on the door to the room where the Cartwright\u2019s had taken up temporary residence.\u00a0 She was quickly told to enter.\u00a0 When she opened the door she saw three very tired looking Cartwrights sitting around the room and Joe in bed asleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, boys, I brought you folks something to eat.\u00a0 My guess is you haven\u2019t had much.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was amazed.\u00a0 Here was a woman who just buried her daughter the previous day, and she was bringing them food.\u00a0 \u201cMaggie there was no need for you to do this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Ben yes there was.\u00a0 I need to stay busy right now, and you folks need the help.\u00a0 There\u2019s plenty here to help you out.\u00a0 I also brought some light soup for Joe if he can eat anything.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said, turning to look at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe doctor had to sedate him earlier.\u00a0 He found out about…um…Rebecca.\u201d\u00a0 Ben felt awkward saying this to Rebecca\u2019s mother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe loves her so much.\u00a0 He has to be okay.\u00a0 We can\u2019t lose both of them.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said, her eyes welling with tears.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaggie, this was very kind of you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, wanting to change the subject.\u00a0 \u201cWon\u2019t you join us?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thank you.\u00a0 I just wanted to bring this to you and the boys.\u201d\u00a0 She started to leave and then paused.\u00a0 \u201cBen, can we come and visit Joe some time?\u00a0 He\u2019s been around so much the last six months.\u00a0 He makes me think of her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy all means, Maggie.\u00a0 Please do that.\u00a0 I know he cares a lot for the two of you, as well.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was touched by the request.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPaul and I will come by later, then.\u00a0 You men eat up.\u201d And with that Maggie left.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, they sure are good people.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss commented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes they are.\u201d\u00a0 Ben answered feeling sad at the thought that Joe would not be part of that family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three men ate lunch slowly.\u00a0 None of them had much of an appetite, even Hoss.\u00a0 Dr. Martin came in soon after and told them to try and wake Joe to get him to eat.\u00a0 Ben walked over to his youngest and tried to wake him.\u00a0 He was hesitant to do this because of what had happened that morning, but he knew they needed to get some food into Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, son, wake up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe responded slowly.\u00a0 He had been sleeping hard and it was difficult to fight through the heaviness of the medication.\u00a0 His sleep had been dreamless and quiet.\u00a0 It had allowed Joe\u2019s body to restore some of the depleted energy from his emotional explosion of that morning.\u00a0 Joe opened his eyes and they rolled around, unfocused for a few seconds.\u00a0 Emotionally he felt nothing, and the physical pain was dull and distant.\u00a0 His thoughts although muddled, were of Rebecca\u2019s death.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon,\u00a0 I want you to eat something now.\u201d\u00a0 Ben told Joe, propping him up with a few more pillows.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father and did not speak. He submitted to his father\u2019s wishes without resistance, and it was obvious to his family that he was heavily medicated.\u00a0 Ben began to spoon the soup into his son, and Joe ate without tasting anything. Joe looked over at Hoss who was watching him intently.\u00a0 Hoss smiled at him, but Joe\u2019s expression didn\u2019t change.\u00a0 He then looked at Adam, who also smiled. Rebecca was dead, Joe thought to himself.\u00a0 There was nothing to smile about.\u00a0 He wanted them to leave him alone, but did not bother to say anything.\u00a0 There was nothing to say.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t they know he didn\u2019t care about anything else?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached his fill of the soup and said, \u201cNo more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben tried to coax a little more.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, Joe.\u00a0 Just a little more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe simply opened his mouth and kept eating.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want it, but he didn\u2019t want to talk either.\u00a0 He thought the fight wasn\u2019t worth it.\u00a0 He ate until his father decided Joe was finished, then Joe laid back, hoping to sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul Martin entered the room again and walked over towards his patient.\u00a0 He felt Joe\u2019s forehead and it remained warm to the touch.\u00a0 Paul pulled back the blankets to look at Joe\u2019s leg.\u00a0 The leg looked swollen and red.\u00a0 Paul looked up at Joe who was looking at him.\u00a0 Joe then sat forward and looked down at his leg.\u00a0 He saw what was causing him so much pain.\u00a0 He then looked back at Paul.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s bad?\u201d Joe asked in slurred speech.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul wanted to keep Joe from panicking again.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re doing fine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held his look with Paul and wished everyone would stop saying things were fine.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t fine.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t okay.\u00a0 He knew that and wished that they would stop lying to him.\u00a0 Joe eventually looked away from Paul and back down at his leg.\u00a0 What he saw told him he was hurt bad, but he didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 He wanted to be dead.\u00a0 He wanted to be with Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s family was watching him closely.\u00a0 Ben had concern in his face as he watched.\u00a0 Joe was starring at his leg and not speaking.\u00a0 \u201cSon, the Doc is going to fix you up good as new.\u00a0 You have to be real still though, and do exactly as he says.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0 Was what Joe said to his father, but he thought,\u00a0 \u201cGood as new?\u00a0 Can he bring back Rebecca?\u00a0 If he can\u2019t, then it\u2019ll never be good again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe laid back and closed his eyes.\u00a0 He was tired and wanted to sleep.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t care if he ever woke up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The days passed slowly as Joe continued to run a fever and fight off the infection.\u00a0 He remained heavily sedated throughout the fight.\u00a0 The doctor kept a diligent watch and cleaned the leg wound at every opportunity.\u00a0 Joe was awakened to eat and would remain awake for a short period following eating, but spent the majority of the time asleep.\u00a0 He had begun to have dreams of Rebecca, and he welcomed them.\u00a0 He would fight waking, so as to not leave the dreams.\u00a0 Every time he woke, he felt the pain again of losing her.\u00a0 He so much wanted to stay in the dream forever.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized that he was going to have to stay in town for a while, but he also knew the ranch wasn\u2019t going to run itself.\u00a0 He told Hoss and Adam to return home, but they were both reluctant.\u00a0 Ben ended up having to order them home.\u00a0 He promised he would send word to them if anything changed.\u00a0 Ben spent his days in the doctor\u2019s office reading the newspaper, reading books, and playing the occasional game of checkers with whomever stopped by to visit.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben also spent a lot of his time thinking.\u00a0 Being with Joe made him remember how difficult losing Marie had been.\u00a0 All three of his boys had suffered during that time.\u00a0 He knew that each had a pain in them that touched each of them differently.\u00a0 Adam had retreated into his intellect, unwilling to risk being hurt emotionally.\u00a0 Hoss had gentled and became a nurturer.\u00a0 He used his size to protect, afraid to cause anyone or anything harm.\u00a0 Joseph had developed a need to hold on tight to people, and his emotions became more intense.\u00a0 Yes, each had been hurt over the loss in profound ways.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben thought over Joseph\u2019s reaction to his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 Joe was five when his mother died and seemed to understand some of it, but it was also very apparent to Ben that the child had not understood why his mother was no longer with him.\u00a0 Ben remembered when this had been so evident to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At five, Joe was full of energy and high spirited.\u00a0 He tended to be all movement during the day and, although he would fight sleep, he would quickly fade at night.\u00a0 A habit the child had gotten into after his mother\u2019s death was to crawl up in his father\u2019s lap at the end of each day.\u00a0 Ben knew Joe was wanting extra attention and gave it to his youngest willingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The ritual would begin when Ben would light his pipe and start to look over the newspaper.\u00a0 Joe would push his way through the newspaper and climb into his father\u2019s lap.\u00a0 He would then ask his father all sorts of questions, and Ben would do his best to answer them.\u00a0 One night, Joe asked questions Ben found very difficult to answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPapa,\u00a0 where\u2019s mama?\u201d Joe innocently asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, remember we talked about that?\u00a0 She\u2019s in Heaven.\u201d\u00a0 Ben answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut why, Papa?\u00a0 Why hasn\u2019t she come home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, she\u2019s not coming home, son.\u201d\u00a0 The conversation was getting very hard for Ben.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But, I want her to.\u00a0 I miss her, lots.\u00a0 She\u2019s been gone too long.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you go get her?\u00a0 Does she not want to come home?\u00a0 Is she mad at me, Papa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked his at his father as if he knew everything in the world.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, why would you think she\u2019s mad at you?\u201d Ben had not heard this from his son before.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t do what she told me to sometimes.\u00a0 Mama told me to pick up my soldiers and I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Hop Sing did it, and she got mad at me.\u00a0 I was a bad boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s words broke Ben\u2019s heart.\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, Joseph. You were not a bad boy.\u00a0 Your mama loved you so much.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t want to leave you.\u00a0 She thought you were a very good boy.\u00a0 She was just needed in Heaven to help all the other little boys.\u00a0 But you remember your mother\u2019s star, son.\u00a0 She\u2019s always with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPapa, why are stars white and not another color like green?\u201d\u00a0 With that Joe had moved on to another subject, but his questions stayed with Ben.\u00a0 That night, after the little boy had fallen asleep in his father\u2019s arms, Ben cried.\u00a0 He cried for himself, and he cried for his little boy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben slowly returned to the present and looked at Joe.\u00a0 He wished he could make Joe feel better the way he had done that night so long ago.\u00a0 He wanted to explain what had happened to his son in a way Joe could accept, but Ben himself never understood his own loss, so how could he explain it?\u00a0 He worried about the future.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben questioned Paul regarding when Joe could be taken home.\u00a0 It had been five days since the accident, and Joe had been successful in fighting off gangrene.\u00a0 He remained in a great deal of pain, but his fever had broken, and his leg was losing some of its swelling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what do you think? \u00a0Can we take him home?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked Dr. Martin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s going to have a very painful ride Ben, but I think it would be okay.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to go ahead and splint the leg.\u00a0 I\u2019m rather surprised that he hasn\u2019t been more anxious to go home himself.\u201d\u00a0 Paul pointed out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had noticed the same thing, but was hoping it was because of the medication Joe had been taking for the pain that was keeping his son so docile.\u00a0 Ben wanted to get his son into the environment where Joe had the most love, support and familiarity.\u00a0 The Ponderosa was more than a home for Ben and his boys, it was their life.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul had eased on the medication, and Joe was awake more and more as each day passed.\u00a0 This was not what Joe had wanted, but he did not say anything.\u00a0 He had wanted to sleep.\u00a0 He wanted to be with Rebecca.\u00a0 He would answer questions asked of him, but did not volunteer to talk.\u00a0 He was outwardly compliant, but his thoughts were of being alone and being dead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben decided to approach Joe about going home.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I think it\u2019s time to take you home.\u00a0 What do you think?\u00a0 You ready to get out of here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you think so, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Was Joe\u2019s reply.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This was not the response Ben thought he\u2019d get.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you want to go home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I do.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s tone was less than enthusiastic.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll get Adam and Hoss into town, and we\u2019ll get you to the Ponderosa.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was studying his son, unsure what was going on in Joe\u2019s head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was very uncomfortable with the way his father was looking at him.\u00a0 It made him feel as if his father could read his mind, and he did not like it.\u00a0 He wanted to keep all of his memories and feelings inside of himself.\u00a0 He felt that if he let them out, then they were gone forever.\u00a0 He\u2019d lose his connection to Rebecca.\u00a0 He longed to have Rebecca help him, and she was gone.\u00a0 She had understood him and knew what he needed.\u00a0 Rebecca could get him to talk about all sorts of things, and she made him feel better.\u00a0 When he had talked about his mother with her, it had actually made it a little easier to bear. What was he supposed to do?\u00a0 He wanted and needed someone he could never have again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben arranged for Adam and Hoss to help him get Joe home.\u00a0 They had rigged up a wagon where Joe could lay down for the ride back to the ranch.\u00a0 Dr. Martin warned them to make the journey at a slow pace, so Joe\u2019s leg would not be unnecessarily jostled.\u00a0 The doctor also gave Joe a healthy dose of pain medication to make the ride tolerable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss was able to easily pick up his younger brother and gently place him in the wagon.\u00a0 Joe was feeling much more pain than he let on and knew this was going to be an excruciatingly painful endeavor.\u00a0 He seemed to almost welcome the pain though, as he used his memories with Rebecca to help control it.\u00a0 He would focus all of his energy on trying to recall everything about her and his time with her.\u00a0 This was enough of a distraction to keep the physical pain tolerable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family finally set out to return home.\u00a0 Hoss drove the wagon and Ben and Adam rode beside it on horseback.\u00a0 The road they had taken was the same one taken by Joe and Rebecca the day of the accident.\u00a0 As they traveled, they came to the place where the accident itself had occurred.\u00a0 The wagon was such that Joe could see enough out of it to know where they were.\u00a0 As they came upon the accident site, Ben, Adam and Hoss became anxious.\u00a0 They all began to watch Joe to see if he had any reaction to the area.\u00a0 Joe sat lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to the importance of the scene.\u00a0 The three older Cartwrights glanced at each other, but said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As they traveled on they went past the meadow where Joe and Rebecca had spent their final day together.\u00a0 Joe looked over at the grove of trees and once again replayed the day in his mind.\u00a0 He did not notice his father watching him.\u00a0 Ben looked to where Joe was looking and saw the pretty meadow and trees.\u00a0 He had noticed Joe was deep in thought, and he wondered what it was Joe was thinking about.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s face looked so sad.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you okay?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not hear him at first.\u00a0 When it finally registered that his father was speaking to him, he was irritated at the interruption of his memory.\u00a0 He looked at his father and answered in a flat tone,\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I\u2019m okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe then returned his eyes back to the meadow and his thoughts to the day he\u2019d never forget.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family made it safely back to the ranch, and Hoss again picked up Joe and carried him inside.\u00a0 He asked Joe if he wanted to be put on the couch,\u00a0 in the downstairs bedroom or up in his own room. Without any hesitation, Joe chose his own room.\u00a0 Hoss obliged.\u00a0 Once Joe had been settled into bed, Ben came into the room to check on him.\u00a0 \u201cYou need anything?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 Was all Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben tried to make small talk, but Joe was not responsive.\u00a0 Ben walked over to Joe\u2019s window and started to open the blinds.\u00a0 That was when Joe spoke.\u00a0 \u201cPa, please don\u2019t do that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s kind of dark in here.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t you like the light?\u201d\u00a0 Ben suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired and gonna take a nap.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u00a0 you need to take some medicine, and then I\u2019ll be back to check on you a little later.\u201d\u00a0 Ben gave Joe the medicine and walked out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.\u00a0 Again, Joe found himself irritated.\u00a0 He wanted his door shut and to be left alone, but was unable to get up and close it himself.\u00a0 Joe was wanting the room dark.\u00a0 He had found that he was more comfortable in the dark than in the daylight.\u00a0 This was very strange, given the fact that Joe almost had a phobia about dark places.\u00a0 Now he didn\u2019t feel the least bit anxious when it was dark and wanted to stay in the darkness indefinitely.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His leg was throbbing and he found it hard to distract himself from the pain.\u00a0 He was hoping he could fall off into sleep, but he hurt to bad.\u00a0 He lay in his room staring at the ceiling, trying to remember all the details of the first time he had gone fishing with Rebecca and his other friends.\u00a0 One way the boys had initiated Rebecca into their group was to make her remove fish from their hooks.\u00a0 She surprised them all by not only removing the fish, but re-baited them by putting the worms on as well.\u00a0 Joe lay in the darkness angry at himself that he had not noticed Rebecca sooner than he had, so he could have had more time with her.\u00a0 Eventually, the medicine began to work, and Joe spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

********<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing had spent the time since the accident worrying about Little Joe.\u00a0 He had been unable to get most of his work done because he found himself unable to concentrate.\u00a0 He knew this was going to be a very bad time in the Cartwright household.\u00a0 The night of the engagement party had been a sign for Hop Sing.\u00a0 He had felt the dread come over him then, and it had never fully eased.\u00a0 He stood back and saw Hoss bring Joe through the door and take him upstairs.\u00a0 He wanted to wait until things had calmed some before he went to check on Mr. Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Late in the afternoon Hop Sing climbed the stairs to Mr. Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 The door was slightly ajar so he walked in without disturbing the sleeping young man.\u00a0 Hop Sing moved to the side of the bed and stood looking down at Joe.\u00a0 Mr. Joe looked so peaceful as he slept.\u00a0\u00a0 Hop Sing knew though this was not how Mr. Joe was feeling.\u00a0 He knew this would be Mr. Joe\u2019s greatest test.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Hop Sing stood looking at Joe, Ben appeared in the doorway.\u00a0 He had come to check on Joe and was not at all surprised to see Hop Sing there.\u00a0 Hop Sing had made it a habit when Joseph was a child to keep check on his youngest if anything was at all wrong with the child.\u00a0 If Joe was sick, Ben knew where to find Hop Sing.\u00a0 In Hop Sing\u2019s eyes the rest of the family could wait until he had tended to Little Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he?\u201d\u00a0 Ben whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing put his finger to his lips to quiet Mr. Ben.\u00a0 He then walked out of Joe\u2019s room and the two men talked quietly in the hall.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright,\u00a0 this very bad.\u00a0 He not going to be okay for long time.\u00a0 It very bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Hop Sing I know that.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to need a lot of our help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, Hop Sing hope that enough.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes Ben found Hop Sing to speak in riddles.\u00a0 He looked at his cook and just shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cIt will be Hop Sing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss asked to be the one to take Joe\u2019s supper up to him that evening.\u00a0 He had not been able to spend much time alone with his little brother since the accident.\u00a0 He wanted to see for himself if Joe was doing okay.\u00a0 When he entered his brother\u2019s room it was dark and Joe was asleep.\u00a0 He set the tray down and gently shook his brother\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, wake up buddy.\u00a0 It\u2019s supper time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reluctantly woke to see his brother looking down on him.\u00a0 \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it\u2019s supper time, little buddy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, I\u2019m not hungry.\u00a0 You eat it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told him quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got to eat so you can get better.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss said, trying to coax Joe into eating.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought to himself.\u00a0 \u201cGet better?\u00a0 Hoss, I don\u2019t want to get better.\u201d\u00a0 But he said instead,\u00a0 \u201cThen just leave it there, and I\u2019ll eat it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Joe.\u00a0 I thought maybe we could talk a little bit.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not want to eat and wanted to talk even less.\u00a0 He looked at his brother and felt he should let Hoss talk.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you want to talk about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about Rebecca.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh God.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t talk about this.\u00a0 Go away and leave me alone, Hoss\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s face was expressionless as he said,\u00a0 \u201cUh, Hoss.\u00a0 Listen, my leg is really hurting.\u00a0 Do you think maybe we can talk later?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure Joe.\u00a0 Anything you ask.\u00a0 Now you eat up.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want Hop Sing after you do ya?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After Hoss left, Joe looked over at the bottle of medicine that sat on his night table.\u00a0 He opened the bottle and took a sip.\u00a0 He paused and thought a moment, and then took another sip.\u00a0 He wanted to sleep and this made him do it.\u00a0 He laid down and waited to feel sleep overtake him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A routine day for Joe passed with him sleeping through most of it.\u00a0 The light in his room remained dim and the curtains remained closed.\u00a0 He kept to himself, but would talk to his family when one or more would stop by his room.\u00a0 He tried as hard as he could to appear interested in what they were talking about, but it was difficult.\u00a0 His leg hurt most of the time, and he used it as a reason to stop talking when he felt the conversation was moving too close to something he didn\u2019t want to talk about, or if he wanted to sleep.\u00a0 He had lost his appetite completely and only ate when someone sat in his room and watched him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the days passed, Adam and Hoss were growing more and more concerned over Little Joe.\u00a0 They had expected a different reaction from their youngest brother.\u00a0 Both had expected Joe to be angry and difficult to be with.\u00a0 What they had instead was a complacent, docile stranger in their house.\u00a0 Ben, on the other hand, could understand Joe\u2019s reaction, having been through the loss himself.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss felt they needed to speak with their father regarding their concerns and began the conversation one evening at supper.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, we\u2019ve got to talk about Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Adam broached the subject.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do we need to discuss?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, instinctively looking at Joe\u2019s empty chair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSomething is really wrong.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss answered. \u201cIt\u2019s like he\u2019s not Joe anymore.\u00a0 He sleeps most of the time, and when he\u2019s not sleeping he is starin\u2019 at the ceiling or a wall. When you talk to him he answers, but it\u2019s there\u2019s no life in him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u201d Adam added.\u00a0 \u201cHe lays up there all day and does nothing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Adam what do you expect him to be doing?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned his eldest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI expect him to want to do more than sleep.\u00a0 Every time I try to talk to him about anything other than the weather, he complains about how bad he\u2019s hurting and wants to sleep.\u00a0 Pa, I know Joe has been through a terrible ordeal and losing Rebecca is a nightmare, but I don\u2019t think it is doing him any good at all for him to be held up in that room. Have you noticed he has not said her name, asked about the accident, nothing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd Pa, he\u2019s not eating much at all.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss pointed out.\u00a0 \u201cWe haven\u2019t seen him cry or nothin\u2019 since that first day he found out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Boys, I hear what you\u2019re saying, but what can we really do?\u00a0 He is in a lot of pain, and he\u2019s very upset.\u00a0 I cannot tell him how he needs to be.\u00a0 Everyone handles these things differently.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that I\u2019m wondering if maybe we should get him out of that room.\u00a0 It would be a start to getting him back into his regular life.\u201d\u00a0 Adam suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPaul is coming out tomorrow, so I\u2019ll talk to him about it.\u00a0 Hoss, Adam, your brother is very lucky to have you two looking out for him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll think about what you both said.\u201d\u00a0 Ben assured them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

During the evening as Ben sat by the fire, he contemplated what would be best for Little Joe.\u00a0 Ben knew Joe needed time and he was more than willing to do anything to help.\u00a0 He just didn\u2019t know what was needed.\u00a0 He decided not only would he talk to Paul, he also would try to talk to Joe.\u00a0 Joe had been very closed-mouthed with his father, as he had with everyone else, but Ben was going to try to get through to his youngest.\u00a0 If anyone could understand, it was Ben.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The following day, Paul arrived as scheduled.\u00a0 Before he went up to see Joe, Ben asked to speak with him.\u00a0 \u201cPaul, I need to speak with you about Joe, before you see him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly, Ben.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know this is going to be a long recovery for Joe, but there is something going on with him that has caused us all concern.\u00a0 He\u2019s sleeping all the time.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t eat unless someone sits in his room and watches him.\u00a0 He\u2019s not talking hardly at all, and when he does he is so agreeable.\u00a0 He hasn\u2019t tried to get out of bed once.\u00a0 Now you know Joseph, and that is not my son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm…Your right.\u00a0 That does not sound like the Joe I know.\u00a0 Any other things going on?\u00a0 Is he crying a lot or bad dreams?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen him cry, and neither has Hoss or Adam.\u00a0 He isn\u2019t talking at all about the accident or Rebecca.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t noticed any bad dreams, but I don\u2019t think he\u2019d tell me right now.\u201d\u00a0 Ben reported.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there is something called melancholia.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know much about it, but its something in the mind.\u00a0 It is where the mind starts taking over for the body, and the person seems to lose all hope.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the treatment?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat I don\u2019t know, Ben.\u00a0 I know people are sent to special places sometimes if it gets really bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean an insane asylum?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but I don\u2019t think Joe would ever get that bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, and even if he was really bad off, I would never have him sent somewhere like that.\u00a0 We can get him through this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, if any family can its this one.\u00a0 Now let me go see Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went upstairs with Dr. Martin.\u00a0 Joe was asleep when they entered the darkened room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, son.\u00a0 Wake up. Dr. Martin is here to take a look at you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was dreaming he and Rebecca were racing against each other each on horseback.\u00a0 This was something they used to do quite frequently as children.\u00a0 Joe had lost many a race to Rebecca until he had gotten Cochise.\u00a0 After that, he never lost a race.\u00a0 Rebecca had complained that it was no longer fun to race him, so Joe offered to let her ride Cochise.\u00a0 Cochise was usually very resistant to allowing anyone other than Joe to ride her, but the horse had allowed Rebecca with little fuss.\u00a0 When Joe asked her how she had gotten his horse to let her ride, she pointed out he was not the only one who carried sugar for the pinto.\u00a0 She had been giving Cochise sugar for weeks in order to befriend the high strung animal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s voice broke through Joe\u2019s dream and ended it.\u00a0 Joe reluctantly opened his eyes and looked at his father and Dr. Martin.\u00a0 He was angry that they were bothering him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe addressed the two men standing before him in the flat tone that had developed since his accident.\u00a0 \u201cPa,\u00a0 Dr. Martin.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen can you get us some light in here, and I\u2019ll take a look at Joe\u2019s leg.\u201d\u00a0 Paul said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked over and opened Joe\u2019s curtains.\u00a0 The light came streaming into the room.\u00a0 When Ben turned back to look at the doctor, he also got a good look at his son.\u00a0 Ben was taken back by what he saw.\u00a0 Joe was very pale and had dark circles under his eyes. \u00a0He had lost weight and looked frail.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Paul had pulled back the blankets and was looking at Joe\u2019s leg.\u00a0 He too had noticed how poorly Joe looked.\u00a0 As he touched the leg, Joe jumped from the pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry for that, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Paul apologized.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right.\u201d\u00a0 Joe replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou in a lot of pain?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHave you got any of that medicine left that I gave you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was surprised to hear that Joe had been without the pain medicine.\u00a0 \u201cSon, how long have you been doing without?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had been using the medicine to help him sleep, so he had run out a lot sooner than he should have.\u00a0 He had then resulted to shear willpower to cope with the pain.\u00a0 \u201cNot long.\u201d\u00a0 Was what he answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019ve got some more for you.\u201d\u00a0 Paul reassured Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was relieved to hear this.\u00a0 He had wondered how he was going to keep away the pain enough to sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph,\u00a0 your leg looks okay.\u00a0 You need to be eating more to get your strength back so you can heal faster.\u00a0 We need to start getting you up and about soon too.\u00a0 Ben, he\u2019s going to be on crutches for a long time, so you may want to think of moving his room downstairs for a while.\u00a0 I don\u2019t\u00a0 want him to go up and down the stairs.\u00a0 It\u2019s too risky.\u00a0 I brought some crutches with me, so I\u2019ll leave them with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened to the doctor, but didn\u2019t care what he had said.\u00a0 He was not hungry and food had no taste.\u00a0 He knew Hop Sing had tried to cook him all kinds of foods he usually liked, but he didn\u2019t like them anymore.\u00a0 He found he\u2019d stopped liking a lot of things.\u00a0 It seemed it took too much energy to care.\u00a0 He wanted his father and the doctor to leave, so he could go back to sleep.\u00a0 He was annoyed that the doctor had told his father to move him to the downstairs bedroom.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to be in there.\u00a0 He wanted to stay right where he was.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019m going to walk Paul out and then I\u2019d like to talk to you for a while.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back in a minute.\u201d\u00a0 Ben told his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe watched them walk out his door.\u00a0 He wished he could walk out the door.\u00a0 He wished he could get away from everyone and everything.\u00a0 He certainly didn\u2019t want to talk to his father.\u00a0 Joe had a good idea what his father wanted to talk about and he dreaded it.\u00a0 He looked around his room to find something to distract him from his father.\u00a0 He knew he couldn\u2019t get to sleep fast enough.\u00a0 He wished he\u2019d had some of the pain medication right now, so at least he could dull his thoughts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben returned to Joe\u2019s room and saw Joe looking around.\u00a0 \u201cLooking for something?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. An escape.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, but said. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sat down in the chair next to Joe\u2019s bed and began to speak.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, your brothers and I are worried about you.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been sleeping an awful lot and you\u2019re not eating.\u00a0 You don\u2019t talk much to us, and I wanted to find out what I can do to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLeave me alone.\u00a0 That\u2019ll help.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, but said, \u201cIts just my leg hurting.\u00a0 It\u2019s really hurting right now. Can we talk later?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo we need to talk now.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re hurting, but I think this is important.\u201d\u00a0 Ben persisted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGreat!\u00a0 Nothing is important anymore Pa.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you get it!?\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, but only looked at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe we need to talk about Rebecca…\u201d Ben looked at his son and Joe stared at the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to think. \u201cShut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!\u201d\u00a0 It became a mantra in his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I know you are hurting so badly, but you need to talk about it.\u00a0 I know I didn\u2019t want to talk about your mother\u2019s death, but I found it was the only way to let go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet go?!!\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to let go!\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, look at me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDamn it, Pa.\u00a0 Why are you doing this?\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He raised his eyes and looked at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was again thrown at what he saw, or rather, didn\u2019t see in Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 One of Joe\u2019s most alluring characteristics was the twinkle in his eyes.\u00a0 Ben saw it was gone.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes looked dull and lifeless.\u00a0 What Ben saw scared him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, tell me what\u2019s going on with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you think is going on with me, Pa?\u00a0 She\u2019s dead!\u00a0 Rebecca\u2019s dead!\u201d Joe thought, but just shook his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t keep this all bottled up inside of yourself.\u00a0 We\u2019re all here to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid I ask for any help?\u201d Joe thought, but said\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t feel like talking right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was beginning to feel frustrated with Joe\u2019s resistance.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you need to, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSince when do you know what I need?\u00a0 I need to be with Rebecca.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I need.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He said, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to say other than…she\u2019s um,\u00a0 uh\u00a0 dead and I\u2019ve got to live with that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you do have to live with it, son.\u00a0 But we can help.\u00a0 Please let us.\u201d\u00a0 Ben put his hand on top of his son\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew his father would persist with talking until Joe gave him\u00a0 some of what his Pa was looking for.\u00a0 Joe continued to look at his father and decided he did have one thing he wanted to know.\u00a0 \u201cTell me about the accident.\u00a0 I still don\u2019t remember it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you tell me what you remember.\u201d\u00a0 Ben thought this tactic may get Joe to open up a little.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had replayed that day in his head over and over.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to say it out loud.\u00a0 Why had he asked his father to tell him about the accident?\u00a0 Joe looked back at the floor.\u00a0 \u201cUm,\u00a0 I remember that morning going into town…I remember going to her house.\u201d\u00a0 As Joe started to tell his father, he relived that day once more.\u00a0 \u201c We went for a ride to… um…talk.\u00a0 I drove us to a meadow, and we got out and sat in the grass.\u00a0 We um looked at…\u201d\u00a0 Joe could not talk about the wedding invitation.\u00a0 \u201cUh, something she had brought with us.\u00a0 We talked some more and then, we um…we uh…\u201d\u00a0 Joe did not want to tell his father he and Rebecca had made love.\u00a0 It was far too private.\u00a0 \u201cWe…we talked…we \u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized what his son was trying not to say.\u00a0 \u201cI understand, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father.\u00a0 He saw his father knew what he was not saying.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s where it all ends.\u00a0 After we…uh talked.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben thought over what his son had said and had not said.\u00a0 He realized his son\u2019s last memories were of making love to Rebecca.\u00a0 It made Ben even more sad for his son. \u00a0\u201cWell Joe, what Roy has been able to put together is that you and Rebecca were riding in the buckboard and she was driving the team.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait, she was driving the team?\u201d\u00a0 This took Joe by surprise.\u00a0 \u201cWhy was she driving the team?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t know son.\u00a0 Do you have any idea?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tried to think.\u00a0 He did not know why Rebecca would be driving the buckboard.\u00a0 He\u2019d let her lead the team?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Then he remembered her asking him how he drove the buckboard when they were on their way out to the meadow.\u00a0 Had he let her drive the horses?\u00a0 Joe felt himself getting upset.\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cOh, my God!\u00a0 Why did I do that?\u00a0 It shouldn\u2019t have happened.\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t have been the one driving the horses.\u00a0 I had to have let her do it!\u00a0 I killed her!\u00a0 She didn\u2019t know how to drive the horses, and I obviously didn\u2019t help her!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw Joe\u2019s eyes moving back and forth, as his son thought about the accident.\u00a0 It looked like Joe was becoming worked up.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yeah.\u00a0 I uh\u2026 just can\u2019t remember.\u201d\u00a0 Joe mentally brought himself back to his father\u2019s conversation.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, it was no one\u2019s fault.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, trying to help his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes it is, Pa.\u00a0 It\u2019s mine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 Joe asked, \u201cWhat caused the accident?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Roy didn\u2019t say.\u00a0 I can ask him if you\u2019d like.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCould you?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes I sure will.\u00a0 I also wanted to tell you that I think it\u2019s time for you to get out of bed some.\u00a0 We are going to set you up downstairs like Paul suggested and get you out and about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was unable to think of an argument that his father would accept regarding his staying in his own room.\u00a0 He was still reeling from the news of Rebecca having been the one to drive the horses.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe let me help you get dressed, and then I\u2019ll have Hoss come and help you get downstairs.\u201d\u00a0 Ben suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean me go downstairs now?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSeems as good a time as any, wouldn\u2019t you say.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to be cheerful as he spoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan I just stay here a little longer?\u00a0 I\u2019m really tired, and I want to take a nap.\u201d Joe was hoping to at least have a little more time in his room.\u00a0 He slept best in his own bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell you what.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go and get the medicine Paul left for you, and then you can take a nap.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make sure Hop Sing\u2019s got you some clean clothes, and we\u2019ll get you downstairs.\u00a0 We can get that room ready while you sleep.\u201d\u00a0 Ben left to retrieve the medicine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The only thing Joe felt was good about what his father had told him was that he was going to get the medicine to take away the pain.\u00a0 The more he focused on the previous conversation with his father, the more upset he felt.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t understand why he had let Rebecca drive the buckboard.\u00a0 If only he could take that back, he would have her with him again.\u00a0 \u201cWhat a stupid, stupid thing you did.\u201d Joe thought to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben returned and gave Joe the bottle of pain killer.\u00a0 Joe waited until his father left the room and then took a long draw on the bottle.\u00a0 He felt the warm sensation as his body accepted the relief.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While Joe slept Ben enlisted Hop Sing to help him get the guest room ready to move Joe.\u00a0 After they got the room ready, Ben asked about clean clothes for Joe.\u00a0 Hop Sing was offended that Mr. Cartwright would even think he did not have clean clothes for Little Joe.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, Hop Sing take good care of Little Joe.\u00a0 He have everything he need.\u00a0 You think Hop Sing do not think!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCalm down, Hop Sing.\u00a0 I know you take good care of Joe.\u00a0 I just asked.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to calm his temperamental cook.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing get Little Joe\u2019s clothes.\u201d\u00a0 He said stomping off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing quickly returned with a pile of folded clothes. He also had brought Joe\u2019s green jacket. Dr. Martin had returned it earlier that day when he had come to check on Joe.\u00a0 Hop Sing set the clothes on the bed.\u00a0 He took the jacket and walked out to where the family had habitually left their coats, hats and guns.\u00a0 He went to hang up the jacket and noticed there was something stiff in the pocket.\u00a0 He opened the pocket and pulled out an invitation.\u00a0 Hop Sing read the invitation and became choked up.\u00a0 Ben had followed him out into the great room and saw Hop Sing reading the piece of paper.\u00a0 He also saw Hop Sing\u2019s reaction.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing just handed Ben what he was reading and walked into the kitchen.\u00a0 Ben read the invitation and closed his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cOh Lord.\u00a0 Please help us with this.\u201d\u00a0 Ben prayed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slept and dreamed most of the afternoon.\u00a0 Ben checked in on him periodically.\u00a0 Joe finally woke around three.\u00a0 He reached for the bottle of pain killer as soon as he was totally lucid.\u00a0 He took a smaller amount than he had been using lately, so he would not fall back asleep.\u00a0 He knew his father was going to stick to the plan of moving him downstairs, so he thought he\u2019d keep himself awake for a little while.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben eventually checked in on Joe again and saw his son awake.\u00a0 \u201cHey, you ready to try this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, but said, \u201cUh huh.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay lets get you dressed.\u201d\u00a0 Ben pulled back the blankets and helped his son sit up.\u00a0 Joe had done very little sitting since he had been injured and felt himself get dizzy.\u00a0 He then felt a little nauseous.\u00a0 \u201cThis is not going to be good.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Given the splint on Joe\u2019s leg, it was obvious he was not going to be able to get his pants on.\u00a0 Ben solved the problem by ripping the right pant leg up to the thigh.\u00a0 \u201cAfter all the times I yelled at you for coming home with the knees torn out of your pants.\u201d\u00a0 Ben shook his head smiling.\u00a0 \u201cI just took a good pair of your trousers and tore them up\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben thought he would at least get a smile out of his son, but Joe just looked at him with a blank face.\u00a0 He wondered when he would get his son back to the way he was before this had happened.\u00a0 He wondered if he ever would.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben helped Joe put on his shirt.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s ribs and shoulder were still sore, so he moved lightly.\u00a0 It took a bit of maneuvering, but they were able to get Joe\u2019s pants on as well.\u00a0 Joe felt exhausted after dressing.\u00a0 He could not believe the amount of energy a simple thing as getting dressed had required.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to get Hoss to help you downstairs.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, leaving the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI really don\u2019t want Hoss to carry me.\u201d Joe thought.\u00a0 Hoss doing that made Joe feel too dependent and too vulnerable.\u00a0 Joe grabbed the medicine bottle and put it in his shirt pocket.\u00a0 He decided he could make it downstairs on his own.\u00a0 He was able to stand and did not put any weight on his leg.\u00a0 He then tried to take a step.\u00a0 Joe saw white as the pain shot through him.\u00a0 His eyes watered, and he fainted dead away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Ben were coming up the stairs when they heard Joe fall.\u00a0 They ran into his room to see him on the floor.\u00a0 \u201cJoe!\u201d\u00a0 Hoss and Ben cried out together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to come around and his leg throbbed.\u00a0 He moaned and opened his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, what on earth were you doing, boy!\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked going to is son on the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026just\u2026stepped\u2026wrong.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said through gritted teeth.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t step at all.\u201d\u00a0 Ben scolded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo kidding, Pa.\u00a0 I think I figured that out.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought to himself, but said,\u00a0 \u201cYeah, pretty stupid.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get you.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss said and easily scooped up his brother.\u00a0 Hoss noticed Joe felt lighter and made a vow to fatten him up some.\u00a0 He carried Joe downstairs and put him on the couch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The movement from his room to the couch increased Joe\u2019s pain immensely.\u00a0 He lay on the couch with his head back waiting for the pain to decrease.\u00a0 He wanted to drink the whole bottle of medicine, but knew he was being watched.\u00a0 Joe was wondering why it was such a big deal for him to be on the couch.\u00a0 He knew he\u2019d feel much better in his room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam came in soon after Joe had been moved to the downstairs.\u00a0 He saw his brother on the couch and felt relief that Joe was at least out of his room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it\u2019s good to see you out of your room.\u00a0 How do you feel?\u201d\u00a0 Adam expressed concern.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wanted to answer by saying \u201cOh I\u2019m great Adam.\u00a0 Never better, and you?\u201d but he knew he was just being smart, and it would lead to someplace he did not want to go to with Adam.\u00a0 He thought to himself, \u201cWhy does everyone want me out of my room?\u00a0 I want to be in my room!\u00a0 Why do they act like there is nothing wrong, and I\u2019m just going to be all better.\u00a0 I know they don\u2019t know what to do with me.\u00a0 Huh,\u00a0 that means at least we agree on that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m hurtin\u2019 some, but I\u2019ll be okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you just take it easy right now.\u00a0 You have plenty of time to recuperate.\u00a0 You know I was thinking, and I have a way you can help me, if you\u2019re up for it.\u00a0 I have some ledgers I need some attention given to.\u00a0 I\u2019ve stuck in all sorts of pieces of paper into them and everything needs to be catalogued and written down.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been running the tallies in my head, but I\u2019m afraid they are getting away from me.\u00a0 Interested?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Joe thought.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not interested.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to sit and take care of meaningless numbers.\u00a0 That\u2019s your idea of important, Adam.\u00a0 Not mine.\u201d\u00a0 But Joe said to his brother,\u00a0 \u201cYeah,\u00a0 I\u2019ll do it.\u00a0 Bring it here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was surprised when Joe easily agreed.\u00a0 \u201cYou can start on it tomorrow.\u00a0 There\u2019s no hurry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben brought in the crutches for Joe and put them by the couch.\u00a0 Joe looked at them, but had no desire to use them.\u00a0 He wanted to sleep, not walk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss approached Joe cautiously.\u00a0 \u201cHey Short Shanks, you up to a game of checkers?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not want to play checkers.\u00a0 He thought this had gotten to comedic proportions.\u00a0 What were they going to do?\u00a0 Keep him occupied on stupid things until they thought he would have forgotten about Rebecca.\u00a0 He wanted to ask them.\u00a0 \u201cWhen is it I am supposed to forget?\u00a0 When is it I am supposed to just go on as if she never existed?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Hoss.\u00a0 I\u2019ll play.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told is brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Joe played checkers and Hoss won every game.\u00a0 Hoss knew Joe wasn\u2019t concentrating and was almost relieved when Hop Sing called them for dinner.\u00a0 Joe used the crutches for the first time to walk to the table.\u00a0 He did not want to eat, but knew he could not get out of it.\u00a0 Joe sat uncomfortably in a chair he had not been in for many days.\u00a0 He tried to limit what he put on his plate, so that he would not have to eat much.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was pleased to see his whole family at the dinner table.\u00a0 He looked from one son to the other.\u00a0 He was so proud of his boys.\u00a0 He knew each was very different from the other, but he liked each for their own qualities.\u00a0 He knew this was what made him make it through his pain.\u00a0 He hoped Joe could do the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat and moved the food around his plate.\u00a0 He felt if he ate anything else he\u2019d be sick.\u00a0 He had several glasses of wine, as he stalled with the food.\u00a0 He wanted to be excused, but knew his father was watching him.\u00a0 He thought he would sit there as the dutiful son until his father released him from his family obligation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had noted Joe\u2019s lack of eating.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you need to eat.\u00a0 I want all of that on your plate gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hadn\u2019t heard his father say something like that in a long time.\u00a0 He felt as if he were ten again.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you leave me alone?\u201d Joe thought, getting increasingly more angry.\u00a0 He took a few more bites and just knew he was going to lose it.\u00a0 He got up quickly from the table and, using the crutches, went outside.\u00a0 He was sick to his stomach, losing what dinner he had eaten.\u00a0 The sudden movements made his leg feel as if it were on fire.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He stood out in the fresh air breathing deeply trying to handle the pain as his father approached.\u00a0 \u201cYou all right, Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Ben cautiously asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm hum.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben put his arm around his son.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I love you, and I am here for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I know that.\u00a0 I just need some fresh air.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe knew his father was hurting because of Joe\u2019s problems.\u00a0 He did not like it, but felt powerless to do anything about it.\u00a0 He could not take care of his father, especially since he could not take care of himself<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou come on in when you feel better.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, realizing Joe wanted some time by himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI will, Pa.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry.\u00a0 I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe reassured his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stayed outside for the remainder of the evening,\u00a0 He slowly made his way to the barn and looked in on Cochise.\u00a0 He rubbed her ears and talked quietly to her.\u00a0 He saw that she had been well taken care of in his absence.\u00a0 He thought it was probably Hoss tending to her, since Hoss was so good with animals, and he seemed to be the one Cochise\u2019s care fell to if Joe was unable to do it himself.\u00a0 Although Joe loved his horse deeply, he noted that he no longer seem to feel as if Cochise were all that special.\u00a0 It was strange how he\u2019d changed.\u00a0 He looked at the paint and wondered if he would care about anything, ever again.\u00a0 \u201cCooch, I miss her so much.\u201d\u00a0 He managed to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat outside not wanting to return to the house.\u00a0 He was sitting on the porch out of view of anyone who may walk through the yard.\u00a0 He heard the bunkhouse door open and close, and someone walked out.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t I be alone anywhere?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He looked at who was walking toward him and saw it was Phillips, one of the hands who worked the cattle.\u00a0 Joe had known Phillips a while.\u00a0 He thought Phillips was a pretty nice guy with some big problems.\u00a0 The biggest was Phillips was a drinker.\u00a0 Joe did not know if anyone else knew about the drinking, but he had seen the cowhand drink on numerous occasions when Phillips thought no one was watching.\u00a0 Joe sat watching the man and noticed the man pulled out a bottle of whiskey and began to drink.\u00a0 Joe decided to call the man over.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Phillips.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The man jumped at hearing his name.\u00a0 Phillips turned and saw the youngest Cartwright sitting in the dark with his leg propped up.\u00a0 \u201cOh, hey, Little Joe.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see ya\u2019 there.\u201d\u00a0 He said as he tried to hide the bottle.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on over and have a seat.\u00a0 Bring the bottle with you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told the concerned man.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Phillips walked over and sat next to Joe.\u00a0 He offered Joe the bottle which Joe quickly accepted and took a long drink.\u00a0 Joe was relieved to find some way to escape.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe, I\u2019m awfully sorry to hear about your fianc\u00e9e, and your leg, and everything.\u201d\u00a0 Phillips offered his condolences.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, does everybody have to talk about it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He said, \u201cThanks Phillips, but you and I will get along just fine if you never mention it again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure, Joe.\u00a0 What ever you want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The men settled in to quietly getting drunk.\u00a0 Joe felt the alcohol work just as the pain medicine had.\u00a0 It stopped the thinking, and it stopped the feeling.\u00a0 It brought numbness which was openly welcomed.\u00a0 When the bottle was finished, Joe sat and stared at the ground.\u00a0 His mind was blank; the only thoughts being of the wooden boards he was looking at on the porch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Joe, morning comes quick.\u00a0 It\u2019s time for me to turn in.\u201d\u00a0 Phillips said getting up to leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPhillips, you come out here often?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, slurring his words.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026I uh\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow \u2018bout we meet tomorrow night.\u00a0 A little later, though.\u00a0 After every one\u2019s gone to sleep.\u00a0 You bring a bottle, and I\u2019ll bring my sunny disposition.\u201d\u00a0 Joe attempted to make light of his mood.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou got it, Joe.\u00a0 \u2018Night.\u201d\u00a0 Phillips said walking off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u201dNight.\u201d\u00a0 Joe returned the courtesy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat a while longer before he got up and returned to the house.\u00a0 He had difficulty managing the crutches in his inebriated state.\u00a0 He stepped hard on his leg, but felt very little of the pain.\u00a0 As he attempted to make it through the door, Hoss quickly jumped up from his place on the couch to help.\u00a0 Hoss held the door and helped steady his brother.\u00a0 Joe looked at him with glassy eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, something wrong?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked, not understanding what had contributed to his younger brother\u2019s current condition.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered and walked to his \u2018new\u2019 bedroom ignoring the others in the room.\u00a0 Once in the room, he shut the door and hobbled over to the bed.\u00a0 He sat down and let out a big sigh.\u00a0 There was a knock on the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, knowing he needed to keep his words short in order to hide his current state.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben opened the door.\u00a0 \u201cYou need any help?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was helped just fine tonight Pa, thank you very much.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only kind of help I want.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He knew he couldn\u2019t let his Pa to close to him.\u00a0 \u201cUm, no.\u00a0 I got it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere, let me help.\u201d\u00a0 Ben approached.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought fast and said.\u00a0 \u201cUm\u2026I need a glass of water.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, son I\u2019ll get you one and then be back to help you.\u00a0 Oh and I\u2019ll run upstairs and get the blanket off of your bed.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, leaving the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe worked as quickly as he could, given his condition, to get his shirt off.\u00a0 He pulled back the covers of the bed.\u00a0 He then pulled the boot off of his good leg and was grateful he had not had one on his broken leg.\u00a0 He knew the pants would be impossible to get off, so he swung his legs into bed and pulled up the covers.\u00a0 Ben returned just as he had finished undressing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you certainly got into bed quick, Joseph.\u00a0 Here\u2019s your water.\u201d\u00a0 Ben handed the glass to Joe.\u00a0 He also spread out the retrieved blanket.\u00a0 It seemed that Joe was acting strange, but Ben thought that acting strange was getting to be normal with his youngest son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe took the water from his father, took a sip and placed it on the bed table.\u00a0 \u201c\u2019Night, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, closing his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cGood night, son.\u201d And walked out of the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The alcohol made it easy for Joe to fall asleep.\u00a0 He drifted off with thoughts of Rebecca.\u00a0 The dreams came as usual and he began resting peacefully.\u00a0 He was having a dream that had occurred several times before.\u00a0 Suddenly the dream began to change\u2026\u00a0 Rebecca was laughing and looking at him fondly.\u00a0 He loved that smile and laugh.\u00a0 They were lying side-by-side in a field, both on their sides, propped up on their elbows.\u00a0 He reached for her and she fell backwards away from him.\u00a0 The ground opened up and she began sinking into it.\u00a0 Her arms were placed\u00a0 across her chest, and her eyes were closed.\u00a0 Joe looked up and saw a headstone.\u00a0 Rebecca\u2019s name was on it.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t go.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t go. No Rebecca! No!\u00a0 You can\u2019t die!\u201d\u00a0 Joe woke with a start.\u00a0 He was covered with sweat and breathing heavily.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He tried to shake off the nightmare and fall back to sleep, but he was anxious.\u00a0 He did not want to have the dream return.\u00a0 His sleep had been what he felt had kept his sanity.\u00a0 If he had only been left alone in his own room this would not be happening.\u00a0 He started to feel angry.\u00a0 Joe reached for his shirt on the floor and pulled out the bottle.\u00a0 He took a long drag and tried to breath deeply.\u00a0 He waited to go numb.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing had heard Joe cry out and had gone to the guest room door.\u00a0 He stood and listened at the door, but heard no further sounds from inside the room.\u00a0 He returned to his bed, but did not return to sleep.\u00a0 He kept diligent watch, listening to hear if the young man needed him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spent his days laying on the couch, trying to look like he was busy.\u00a0 He usually would sit with a book in his lap and stare at the pages.\u00a0 He would turn a page every so often, just to make it look good to whomever may be watching him.\u00a0 He continued to meet Phillips at night and was drinking heavily.\u00a0 He had finished the bottle of pain medicine and was not sure how to get more.\u00a0 The pleasant dreams that had once been present for him, were all but gone.\u00a0 They had been replaced by a series of nightmares.\u00a0 Joe began to wake in the night and be unable to return to sleep.\u00a0 He would eventually get out of bed and go into the great room.\u00a0 He would stoke the fire up and sit and stare into it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat staring into the fire with his thoughts on dying..\u00a0 He wanted for something to happen that would take him out of the world.\u00a0 He focused on how unfair it had been that Rebecca was gone, and he had to stay in his life.\u00a0 He was trapped.\u00a0 Something had happened inside of him.\u00a0 He felt it.\u00a0 He could not cry for her, he could not talk about her, and he could not stop thinking about her.\u00a0 He cared about nothing else.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tried to think of what used to be important to him.\u00a0 What was it?\u00a0 His family?\u00a0 Yes they were important, but he found that Rebecca had made him feel like a man.\u00a0 His family did that in certain ways, but it was different.\u00a0 She completed him.\u00a0 She gave him a feeling he had never experienced before.\u00a0 What else was supposed to be important?\u00a0 The Ponderosa?\u00a0 Joe just could not find the value in the ranch anymore.\u00a0 He knew his father had built the place out of love and had given each of his sons that love, but Joe could no longer feel it.\u00a0 He thought that if something came along to take the Ponderosa, it would mean nothing to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was looking at the fire when a spark popped out of the fireplace and landed on the rug.\u00a0 He watched the rug ignite.\u00a0 He sat thinking,\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s going to burn the place down.\u201d\u00a0 But did nothing to stop the fires progress.\u00a0 He became fascinated with the fire and thought,\u00a0 \u201cThis is it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just let it take me.\u00a0 Thank you, God.\u201d\u00a0 The fire had begun to take hold and was moving towards him.\u00a0 He sat back and waited for it to hit.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing had not slept well since Joe had been moved downstairs.\u00a0 He heard the young man crying out in the night.\u00a0 He also would hear Joe get up in the night.\u00a0 Hop Sing would then enter the great room in the morning to see Joe asleep on the couch.\u00a0 He had shared this with Mr. Ben just the previous morning, and Mr. Ben had asked Hop Sing to wake him the next time this occurred.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That night, Hop Sing had dosed off and had not heard Joe\u2019s cries in the night, nor had he heard Joe move into the great room. \u00a0He woke to the smell of smoke and leaped out of bed.\u00a0 He ran into the great room to see the rug on fire.\u00a0 Hop Sing yelled loudly in Cantonese.\u00a0 This broke the spell Joe was under.\u00a0 Joe had been laying down, so he did not think Hop Sing had seen him awake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The yell woke the remainder of the family.\u00a0 Hoss, Adam and Ben ran down the stairs.\u00a0 They saw the cook frantically attempting to put out the fire.\u00a0 The three joined in, and the fire was quickly out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the hell happened?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing, what\u2019s going on?\u201d\u00a0 Ben demanded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Joe fall sleep.\u00a0 Fire come out on rug.\u201d\u00a0 Hop Sing said, looking at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was relieved Hop Sing had not seen him.\u00a0 His heart which had been racing after Hop Sing screamed, began to return to normal<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, are you okay?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh,\u00a0 yeah, I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben rechecked the rug to insure the fire was out and then said, \u201c Well it\u2019s late, and we can clean this up in the morning.\u00a0 Everyone back to bed.\u00a0 Joseph, you need to go back to into your room.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe used his crutches and returned to bed.\u00a0 He lay in bed thinking about what had occurred.\u00a0 He was angry the fire had been stopped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Weeks past and Joe\u2019s days hardly varied from one another.\u00a0 He would hobble outside during the day and sit on the porch.\u00a0 He grew darker in his thoughts as he could no longer escape them during the day.\u00a0 He was thinking about how much he hated life when he heard a buggy approach.\u00a0 He looked up to see who was approaching.\u00a0 It was John and Maggie Larson.\u00a0 Tied to the back of the buggy was Marc Antony, Rebecca\u2019s palomino gelding, a gift from Joe when he had proposed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt himself grow ill.\u00a0 He had not seen them since the accident.\u00a0 \u201cOh, no.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t do this to me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He remained seated on the porch praying he was asleep and this was all a dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Maggie had seen Joe sitting on the porch and held back a gasp.\u00a0 The handsome young man looked horrid.\u00a0 He was pale and gaunt.\u00a0 He had dark circles under his eyes.\u00a0 What was most striking was the vacant expression on Joe\u2019s face.\u00a0 John noted how Joe looked as well.\u00a0 John\u2019s heart went out to Joe.\u00a0 It was obvious Joe was tortured over the loss of Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHello, Little Joe.\u201d\u00a0 John said, extending his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood as they approached and extended his hand, but he made no eye contact. John shuttered when he felt the lack of grip in Joe\u2019s handshake.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Larson.\u00a0 Mrs. Larson.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said in his flat tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had heard the buggy approach and was through the door as the Larson\u2019s greeted Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJohn, Maggie, how nice to see you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben extended his hand.\u00a0 The\u00a0 two men shook hands.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe wanted to come by and check on Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said looking at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have.\u00a0 I killed your daughter.\u201d\u00a0 But he said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The four stood looking awkward until Ben remembered his manners and asked everyone to sit.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes.\u00a0 Joe you shouldn\u2019t be standing anyway.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie said her mothering instincts naturally coming out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI shouldn\u2019t be living anyway.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, but just looked at Mrs. Larson.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The silence was causing everyone except Joe to feel uncomfortable.\u00a0 Joe wanted it quiet.\u00a0 John knew there was something he needed to say to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, we know Rebecca was driving that buckboard, and I am sorry that you got hurt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wanted to scream and not stop.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s thoughts exploded in his head.\u00a0 \u201cNO!!!!\u00a0 DON\u2019T YOU BLAME HER!!!\u00a0 DON\u2019T YOU DO THAT TO HER!!!\u00a0 IT\u2019S MY FAULT!!!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cDO YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT GETTING HURT?!!\u00a0 DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IS THE LEAST BIT IMPORTANT TO ME, YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH!\u00a0 He struggled to keep under control.\u00a0 He wanted to punch John in the face for what he had said.\u00a0 He did not want to be absolved of anything.\u00a0 He wanted them to blame him.\u00a0 He blamed himself.\u00a0 He hated himself.\u00a0 He wanted them to hate him enough to kill him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, did you hear what John said?\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to get his son to speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe breathed deeply and paused before speaking.\u00a0 \u201cYes sir, I did.\u00a0 Mr. And Mrs. Larson, I\u2019m the one who owes you an apology.\u00a0 I told you I would keep your daughter safe, and I didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This was the first glimmer Ben had to what was going on in his son\u2019s head.\u00a0 It pained him to hear what Joe had said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, son.\u00a0 You are not responsible for the accident.\u00a0 It was just that, an accident.\u201d\u00a0 John tried to reassure Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWe know you took good care of her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had nothing left to say.\u00a0 He knew the truth and these people could say anything they wanted and it didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 He was at fault.\u00a0 He did not want to tell them what was in his head and he knew if they talked much more he would not be able to hold back.\u00a0 He tried to think of any reason to get up and leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you are taking too much of this on your shoulders.\u00a0 Rebecca loved you so much, and she would not want you to punish yourself.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie added trying to comfort the sad young man.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought to himself, \u201cNo one gets it!\u00a0 They all think I should go happily along and just act like it never happened.\u00a0 Why shouldn\u2019t I be punished?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that\u2019s what has happened.\u00a0 I\u2019m unished every day I wake up, and she\u2019s not here.\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell me I shouldn\u2019t be punished, tell God.\u00a0 Tell Him to take me out of my miserable existence.\u00a0 Then I\u2019ll no longer be punished.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, Joe.\u00a0 We wanted to return Marc Antony to you.\u00a0 We know how much Rebecca loved that horse and how hard you had worked to train the animal.\u00a0 We know she would want you to take care of horse for her.\u201d\u00a0 John explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe just sat and looked at him.\u00a0 This was too much.\u00a0 He could not believe they were wanting him to take back Rebecca\u2019s horse.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t his; it was hers.\u00a0 That horse meant they were engaged.\u00a0 It was how he told her how much he had loved her.\u00a0 They want him to take it back?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe still sat staring at John Larson.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Still Joe did not respond.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

John got up and untied the horse from the buggy and tied it to the hitching post in front of the house.\u00a0 This was too much for Joe to take.\u00a0 He stood and screamed out loud,\u00a0 \u201cI DON\u2019T WANT THE GOD DAMNED HORSE!\u00a0 SHOOT IT FOR ALL I CARE!\u00a0 I NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!\u00a0 I NEVER WANT TO SEE EITHER OF YOU AGAIN!\u201d\u00a0 Joe grabbed the crutches and moved quickly into the house.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Larson\u2019s and Ben were stunned at Joe\u2019s explosion.\u00a0 None of them could speak.\u00a0 Ben wanted to run to his son, but he also knew he had to speak with the Larson\u2019s.\u00a0 He was torn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm, John, Maggie, I\u2019m so sorry about that.\u201d\u00a0 Ben managed to apologize.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen there\u2019s no need to apologize.\u00a0 We should have thought more about this.\u00a0 We thought he\u2019d want the horse.\u00a0 We\u2019re sorry.\u201d\u00a0 Maggie responded and began to cry.\u00a0 \u201cWe have all been so hurt by this.\u00a0 He\u2019s just hurting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell you both are very understanding.\u00a0 He hasn\u2019t expressed his grief since the first day he found out.\u00a0 This was totally unexpected.\u201d\u00a0 Ben explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe it will help him start to get it out.\u201d\u00a0 John said, offering hope.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe can hope.\u201d\u00a0 Ben answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Larson\u2019s soon departed leaving the palomino with Ben.\u00a0 Ben had a ranch hand take the horse somewhere out of sight.\u00a0 He gave explicit orders the horse was not to be seen by Joseph.\u00a0 He implied there would be a serious penalty if his wishes were not followed.\u00a0 He then returned into the house to find his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was in his room upstairs when Ben tracked him down.\u00a0 Ben had no idea how Joe had negotiated the steps.\u00a0 Joe was sitting on his bed staring at the floor.\u00a0 He was expecting his father and dreaded talking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook Pa, I\u2019m sorry I talked the way I did.\u00a0 It won\u2019t happen again.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired and I want to be alone.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to shut down any communication.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was unsure if he should address his son\u2019s attitude, or his hurt.\u00a0 \u201cSon,\u00a0 I understand you are hurt and upset.\u00a0 I have been trying to get you to talk for weeks.\u00a0 Talk to me about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa.\u00a0 I won\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked stubbornly at his father.\u00a0 He was still upset that he had said what he had to the Larson\u2019s.\u00a0 He was beginning to be unable to keep it all inside.\u00a0 It was getting away from him.\u00a0 He was losing control.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, please.\u00a0 I want to help.\u201d\u00a0 Ben had tears in his eyes as he looked at his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought,\u00a0 \u201cOh no, you\u2019re not going to do this to me.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to talk to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, if anyone knows what you are going through it\u2019s me.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u00a0 I need to be alone today.\u00a0 You need to give that to me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to talk to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw the conversation was going no where and he risked further alienating his son.\u00a0 He could not force Joe to talk, and it made him feel helpless.\u00a0 He quietly stood up and left his son\u2019s room.\u00a0 He said as he left.\u00a0 \u201cI love you, Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stayed upstairs for the rest of the day trying to understand why the words had spilled out of him as they had earlier.\u00a0 He could not hold it back much longer.\u00a0 He felt it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family ate dinner as usual.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam had not been informed about the scene with the Larsons but they sensed something was wrong.\u00a0 Joe ate quietly, not looking at anyone.\u00a0 Hoss tried to engage his little brother in small talk, but Joe did not even bother to answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After dinner, Joe went to the downstairs bedroom.\u00a0 He waited until the others had turned in for the night and then hobbled into the kitchen.\u00a0 He easily found\u00a0 the bottle of whiskey.\u00a0 He took the bottle and went towards the door.\u00a0 He looked on the credenza by the door and grabbed the other item he needed.\u00a0 He quietly made his way out the door to the barn.\u00a0 He sat down on a crate and opened the bottle.\u00a0 He took several long draws and felt the warmth of the liquid.\u00a0 It all became very clear to him.\u00a0 He knew what he had to do.\u00a0 He continued to drink to remove any further hesitation.\u00a0 When the bottle was drained he dropped it into the hay.\u00a0 He was dizzy, but determined.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He picked up the gun that he had brought out with him.\u00a0 He looked it over.\u00a0 It had his name on it.\u00a0 He rubbed his finger over the engraving.\u00a0 Joe cocked the gun, closed his eyes and held it to his head.\u00a0 \u201cPa, forgive me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Part Three: Purgatory\u00a0 –\u00a0<\/strong> state or place of temporary punishment to expiate one\u2019s sins by suffering<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There was no noise as he sat, eyes closed, holding the cocked gun to his head.\u00a0 He paused and said, \u201cPa, forgive me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As he spoke aloud, his hand beginning to tremble.\u00a0 \u201cI can do this,\u201d he told himself.\u00a0 \u201cI can make it all just go away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He wanted to sleep: a sleep without dreams; a sleep without pain; a sleep without memories.\u00a0 All he had to do was to pull back his finger, and it was over.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, just do it.\u201d\u00a0 He said to himself.\u00a0 \u201cJust end it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He held his breath as he decided if he was going to live or die.\u00a0 Rebecca\u2019s face flashed before him in his mind.\u00a0 He wanted to be with her desperately.\u00a0 Then, just as suddenly, his father\u2019s face came into his mind, and he paused as he felt the guilt.\u00a0 Again he waited for the courage.\u00a0 He waited for the desperation to send him over the edge, but he had waited too long.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He opened his eyes and lowered the gun.\u00a0 He realized that the urgency of the moment had passed.\u00a0 He had allowed himself to pause too long, and in that pause he had questioned himself.\u00a0 However briefly the questioning, it brought him away from the desire to die, and away from the need to join his love.\u00a0 He looked down at the gun once again.\u00a0 He began to remember when he had been given the weapon, so finely detailed, so lovingly given.\u00a0 It was a gift from his family.\u00a0 He realized he could not use it to die.\u00a0 He could not do that to them.\u00a0 As little as his life meant to him, he knew to end it the way he had intended, would hurt more than just himself.\u00a0 He could not do that, no matter how bad he hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat in the darkness for hours holding the gun in his hand and thinking of how he could escape the pain.\u00a0 He had failed at being able to tolerate his feelings, and he had failed at ending his life.\u00a0 He was at a loss to know how he was going to remain in his body, and be able to live with the hurt that was a constant presence.\u00a0 There was no escape for him.\u00a0 He sat waiting for a reprieve.\u00a0 Finally, when he had decided what he needed to do, he quietly left the barn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright laid in bed running the events of the day over in his head.\u00a0 The Larson\u2019s visit had provided a glimpse of what was in his youngest son\u2019s head.\u00a0 Joe was feeling guilty and responsible for Rebecca\u2019s death.\u00a0 Ben knew only too well how that felt.\u00a0 He continued to carry guilt regarding Marie\u2019s accidental death, but he had come to accept that it would not help him to dwell on it.\u00a0 He had to make Joe realize that it was part of grieving to think of the \u201cwhat ifs\u201d.\u00a0 However, It was also part of grieving to forgive oneself for not being able to change the event.\u00a0 He had to get Joe to accept what was and go on with his life.\u00a0 The problem was, he had no idea how to get through to his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was lost in thought when he heard the downstairs door close.\u00a0 He got up from his bed and looked out the window.\u00a0 There was no one in the yard.\u00a0 Someone had entered the house.\u00a0 Ben recalled the conversation with Hop Sing regarding Joe\u2019s midnight movements in the house.\u00a0 He wondered if Joe was the one responsible for the noise downstairs.\u00a0 He quickly pulled on his robe and walked to the stairs.\u00a0 At the top of the landing he could make out someone standing by the door, putting something on the credenza.\u00a0 As he moved down the stairs, he identified the individual easily as Little Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSon, everything okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was obvious that Joe had not heard his father come down the steps.\u00a0 His father\u2019s voice had caused him to startle, and he jumped.\u00a0 \u201cGeez, Pa!\u00a0 You scared me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 Why are you up so late, and what are you doing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew he could not tell his father what had just occurred in the barn.\u00a0 He could not tell anyone how desperate he had become.\u00a0 He had to think quickly.\u00a0 \u201cUh,\u00a0 I uh couldn\u2019t sleep, and I was kinda hot, so I went outside to get some air.\u00a0 Sorry I woke you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his son with some suspicion.\u00a0 He knew his boy well and felt he could usually tell when Joseph was hiding something.\u00a0 He was unsure if he was experiencing one of those circumstances.\u00a0 He had grown so uncertain of his son in many ways.\u00a0 He could only ask again,\u00a0 \u201cAre you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded in his now familiar flat tone.\u00a0 He quickly moved away from the credenza in case his father was able to determine what it was Joe had replaced onto it.\u00a0 He hoped his father could not tell that he had been drinking.\u00a0 He was unsure how he would handle it if it was noticed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben moved with his son to the sitting area near the fireplace.\u00a0 They both sat, and Joe stared into the fireplace.\u00a0 He felt shaky and unsteady.\u00a0 He was wanting to sleep, but sleep was so far from him.\u00a0 He felt certain he would be awake to see the light enter the great room when morning approached.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, we need to talk.\u201d\u00a0 Ben began.\u00a0 Ben asked himself how many times he had said that to his youngest over the last few weeks.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew he had to talk to his father as well.\u00a0 He was not ready for the conversation he needed to have and had hoped he could have put it off just a little while longer until he could plan what he wanted to say.\u00a0 He was not sure he was going to get that luxury.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, today I realized what it is that has you in such agony.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know you felt responsible for Rebecca\u2019s death.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mention of Rebecca\u2019s name made Joe flinch.\u00a0 He did not like hearing her name out loud.\u00a0 He believed her name belonged to him alone, and it was sacred.\u00a0 He looked at his father and felt his insides tearing apart.\u00a0 \u201cAren\u2019t I?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked himself.\u00a0 \u201cShe would be here if I\u2019d been driving those horses.\u00a0 I know that.\u201d\u00a0 He said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI have to tell you Joseph, I know full well what you feel like.\u00a0 I have not shared with you what it had been really like for me when your mother died.\u00a0 I know I told you it was difficult.\u00a0 I told you how much I missed her and how hard it was to keep going, but there were other parts I did not feel you needed to know.\u00a0 That is until now.\u00a0 Joe, I had prayed long ago that none of you boys would lose a woman to death the way I have.\u00a0 My prayer was not answered as I\u2019d hoped, so now I must help you get through this time.\u00a0 Son, when your mother died, I wanted to die.\u00a0 I spent days thinking of the ways I could end everything and be with her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDoes he know what I just tried to do?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked himself and became very uncomfortable.\u00a0 He started looking all around the room. Joe had never heard this from his father.\u00a0 His father had actually thought of ways to die after his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 It surprised him.\u00a0 Joe always felt he and his father had little in common, emotionally.\u00a0 He viewed his father as so strong and steady.\u00a0 He knew his father would get angry and sometimes over react, but Joe believed his father could never be as passionate as he was himself.\u00a0 Somehow he had never allowed himself to think of his father as emotionally vulnerable.\u00a0 To do this would leave Joe that much more leery of the world.\u00a0 He had to believe his father was always in control of his passions.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben noticed his son\u2019s restlessness, but continued to talk.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, there were times during those first weeks and months that I could have easily given into the grief and pain and ended it all.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t for one reason and one reason only: you three boys.\u00a0 I realized I had to keep going because there was still love in my life.\u00a0 There were three wonderful human beings who needed me, and slowly I realized I needed them.\u00a0 You helped me son more than you will ever know.\u00a0 You are so much like your mother that as long as I have you, I have her.\u00a0 I can enjoy her, because you have so many things about you that are a mirror image of Marie.\u00a0 You know when you chew on your bottom lip?\u00a0 She did the same thing.\u00a0 And your mother too was not particularly fond of mornings.\u00a0 You see Joe, I found ways of keeping your mother alive for myself and then went on with my life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spoke, his voice quiet and without emotion,\u00a0 \u201cBut Pa, I have nothing to hold onto.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but you do.\u00a0 You have memories.\u00a0 You have the time you had with her to think about.\u201d\u00a0 Ben attempted to point out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut it hurts too much to do that.\u00a0 I feel like I died when she died.\u00a0 I can\u2019t find me, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 The whole time Joe talked he remained staring at the fireplace.\u00a0 \u201cI changed when I started loving\u2026 her.\u00a0 It was a change that I really liked, and I need her to keep it.\u00a0 Without her, I\u2019m lost.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you will become the man you need to be, I have no doubt about that.\u00a0 Rebecca didn\u2019t do that for you, you did it for yourself.\u00a0 She just gave you the desire to do it.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you see that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Pa.\u00a0 You\u2019re wrong about that.\u00a0 She did it for me.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t her then why hadn\u2019t I done it for you or Hoss or Adam.\u00a0 You all told me that you liked how I was helping around the place, and I had a good attitude and everything.\u00a0 Now if she didn\u2019t do that, why weren\u2019t you all enough to make me behave myself?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was struck with the depth in his son\u2019s thinking.\u00a0 Ben had a tendency to view Joseph still as a little boy who was more focused on having fun than doing much thinking about life.\u00a0 He found it bittersweet.\u00a0 Joseph was losing his naivet\u00e9. To keep his son na\u00efve about much of life had been a fault of Ben\u2019s.\u00a0 He had overprotected his youngest, he knew that, but it was done out of love and fear.\u00a0 He wanted Joseph to have the life he could not give to Adam and Hoss when they were Joe\u2019s age.\u00a0 He carried guilt for his two oldest and the harsh difficulties of the life he had exposed them to in their early years.\u00a0 He carried guilt for all three of his boys having lost Marie.\u00a0 This guilt sometimes resulted in Ben overcompensating with his youngest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you\u2019re the one who decided to work around here.\u00a0 You decided to change your attitude.\u00a0 I know you are hurting very badly and everything seems to be very hard to handle, but believe me, there will be more in your life, much, much, more.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to avoid pointing out that Joe was only seventeen, and he would have many more loves in his life.\u00a0 He knew reminding his son of his age would take a productive conversation and quickly turn it to a battle.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t believe you, Pa.\u00a0 It was all her, and you can\u2019t convince me otherwise.\u00a0 I don\u2019t ever want to love again if this is what has to happen.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cPa, I am really tired and want to sleep.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew he had lost Joe to any further conversation.\u00a0 He was encouraged that Joe had said as much as he had.\u00a0 Ben wondered to himself what had gotten Joe to speak.\u00a0 He hoped there would be more opportunities to talk again with his youngest. He so much wanted to help Joe begin to put the nightmare behind him.\u00a0 \u201cOkay Joseph, I\u2019ll see you in the morning.\u00a0 Oh, uh, well looking at the sun starting to come up, I guess I\u2019ll see you later this morning.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, rising to leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood as well, and hobbled into the downstairs bedroom.\u00a0 He sat on the bed and thought of what had happened that evening in the barn, or rather what had not happened.\u00a0 He found he was angry at himself for not being able to carry out the suicide.\u00a0 He knew he had to find some way to cope with the nightmares and the continuous thoughts of Rebecca.\u00a0 He felt guilty that he wanted to stop thinking about her.\u00a0 He felt he was betraying her, but it hurt so bad when he did think of her.\u00a0 He had to stop his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes eventually became heavy and he fell asleep sitting up on the bed.\u00a0 He found the first hours of sleep to be restful.\u00a0 However, there was to be no relief from the ever-present nightmares\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was running through a field trying to get to the house.\u00a0 Every time he moved forward the house moved away.\u00a0 He looked at the front of the house and saw Rebecca.\u00a0 She was waving at him and walked inside.\u00a0 He eventually made it to the house and went in.\u00a0 It was different inside.\u00a0 There was no furniture, and the stairs to the second floor were gone.\u00a0 He heard Rebecca\u2019s voice calling him from upstairs.\u00a0 He could not figure out how she got up there, nor how he could get up to her.\u00a0 He yelled, \u201cRebecca.\u201d\u00a0 She came to the opening where the stairs should have been.\u00a0 He smiled at seeing her.\u00a0 Just then Rebecca fell from above to the floor in front of him.\u00a0 \u201cNo! Rebecca, no!\u00a0 God, no!\u00a0 Rebecca?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe bolted upright, breathing heavily.\u00a0 It took him a moment for it to register that what he had experienced had been a dream.\u00a0 He began to slow his breathing and attempted to get himself under control.\u00a0 After he had calmed down he realized it was daytime.\u00a0 He thought to himself this was a day that last night he had no intention of seeing.\u00a0 He put his head in his hands and tried to clear his thoughts.\u00a0 He was not successful and decided maybe a change of scenery would help.\u00a0 He moved slowly into the great room and took up his position on the couch.\u00a0 He sat there for a few moments still unable to escape himself.\u00a0 He eventually moved out onto the porch and sat staring at the barn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben, Hoss and Adam rode up to the ranch house for lunch.\u00a0 They saw Joe sitting on the porch in the same place he had taken to sitting every day.\u00a0 All three noticed Joe was deep in thought, looking past them to the barn.\u00a0 Hoss called out,\u00a0 \u201cHey Little Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This interrupted Joe\u2019s thoughts, and he looked towards his family.\u00a0 \u201cHey.\u201d\u00a0 He said without enthusiasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s Hop Sing got to eat in there?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked, as the three elder Cartwrights walked towards the porch and Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t look.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered, his apathy apparent.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you just gonna have to notice what\u2019s really important in life.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss blurted out, not realizing what he had said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Adam winced at Hoss\u2019s words.\u00a0 Joe thought,\u00a0 \u201cHoss, I wish that was all that mattered.\u00a0 I really do.\u201d\u00a0 It had been a standing joke in the Cartwright household regarding Hoss and his appetite.\u00a0 Usually Little Joe was one of the first to chime in with a comment.\u00a0 It had been a while since Joe had joined in on any of the family joking.\u00a0 Joe said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam quickly tried to recover for Hoss,\u00a0 \u201cCome on in Joe, we gotta fend for ourselves.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I\u2019ll be there in a minute.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded, not making any effort to move.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three moved into the house, with Ben looking over at his youngest.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s appearance made Ben worry.\u00a0 He was at a loss as to how to help.\u00a0 He decided Joe should come in and be with the family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, come along.\u201d\u00a0 Ben ordered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes, but stood and joined the rest of his family.\u00a0 Lunch conversation focused around branding records and herd counts.\u00a0 Joe was not listening, so much of it out of his awareness.\u00a0 He did not hear his father speak to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u00a0 Are you listening?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 oh\u2026 what?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, mentally returning to the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI asked you if you were going to start doing as Dr. Martin had said and try to walk some on your leg?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh,\u00a0 yeah I will.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said in less than committed tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell I think it may be a good idea for you to try, but wait \u2018til one of us is around in case you need help.\u201d\u00a0 Ben advised.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After lunch the three eldest Cartwrights returned to their running of the ranch.\u00a0 Joe moved restlessly from one room to another.\u00a0 He would sit for a few minutes in one place and then was quickly up and moving again.\u00a0 He felt like a trapped animal.\u00a0 Eventually he decided that he would move to the barn and go inside.\u00a0 He looked at where he had sat the previous evening.\u00a0 \u201cIt would have been so easy.\u201d\u00a0 He said out loud.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He heard Cochise move in her stall, the horse so aware of the voice of her master.\u00a0 He looked over at her and then moved to the animal.\u00a0 Joe tried to talk to the horse as he usually did, but he did not have the usual affectionate tone in his voice.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Cooch.\u00a0 You look good.\u00a0 I bet you\u2019d love to get out of here and run for a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew Hoss would see to it that Cochise was exercised properly, but Joe also knew that as much as he loved to run his pony, she loved to run.\u00a0 When Joe and Cochise moved, they moved as one.\u00a0 They both traveled everywhere quickly.\u00a0 The paint pony had never refused a command from her master.\u00a0 She trusted only him, but that trust was complete. \u00a0Joe felt the same about his mount.\u00a0 He knew that there was no other horse he could trust to allow him to do some of his more dangerous escapades.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe pulled out a curry comb and stood brushing his horse, although it was evident the horse did not need the attention.\u00a0 He attempted to focus all of his concentration on the black and white coat he painstakingly groomed.\u00a0 He leaned on the horse and his crutches to maneuver around the stall.\u00a0 He picked out already clean hooves and combed a tangle free mane.\u00a0 He put his head down on her back and closed his eyes for a moment.\u00a0 At that moment, Joe wished he could cry, but the tears had dried that day he had heard the news in Doctor Martin\u2019s office.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He eventually raised his head and untied Cochise\u2019s lead rope.\u00a0 He hobbled slowly out of the barn, the horse moving just as slowly behind him.\u00a0 He made his way to the small paddock next to the barn.\u00a0 Working diligently he opened the paddock and freed Cochise into the corral.\u00a0 Cochise turned as soon as she entered the enclosure as if to wait for her master to join her.\u00a0 \u201cNo, go on and run some.\u00a0 At least one of us should enjoy the freedom.\u201d\u00a0 Cochise continued to look at him.\u00a0 \u201cGo on.\u201d\u00a0 Joe coaxed.\u00a0 Eventually, Cochise gave in to her desire to run and began to race around the corral.\u00a0 Joe stood leaning on a rail watching her.\u00a0 The desire to runaway filled his heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spent the remainder of his day watching the horse and daydreaming about the past.\u00a0 He finally left the corral when his family returned home for the evening.\u00a0 Hoss, ever the faithful brother, re-stabled Cochise when he stabled his own horse.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family dined together and then retired to the great room for the remainder of the evening.\u00a0 Joe occupied himself by trying to undo some stitching on an old bridle.\u00a0 It allowed him to expend energy pulling against leather, and it was just frustrating enough to keep his mind occupied.\u00a0 He was dreading nightfall and waited for the rest of the family to retire upstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually, Joe was left alone downstairs and he made his way out to the porch.\u00a0 He looked around the yard a while and then moved over to his usual place.\u00a0 He sat there and thought again about returning to the barn, saddling Cochise and taking off.\u00a0 He cursed himself for his leg being hurt.\u00a0 He felt it was the only thing that would stop him from leaving.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe fantasized about riding away, the bunkhouse door opened and Phillips appeared.\u00a0 Phillips and his boss\u2019s youngest had been meeting regularly outside.\u00a0 Phillips did not know if Joe would be there that night, but he had weeks ago agreed to meet nightly with Joe.\u00a0 Phillips knew that the kid was having great difficulties, but he rationalized his supplying the young man with alcohol as just trying to help Joe over a rough spot.\u00a0 Phillips did not know Joe real well, but he liked the kid.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Phillips took up his customary position next to the youngest Cartwright.\u00a0 The two sat in relative silence as they allowed the alcohol to remove the thoughts and feelings they both needed to escape.\u00a0 Joe found he was growing very accustomed to the warm feeling that took away the pain.\u00a0 He began to believe this was the only way he was going to live with himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben laid in bed tossing and turning.\u00a0 He had several things on his mind, all of which were enough to keep him from sleeping.\u00a0 First and foremost was Joseph.\u00a0 Joe was so quiet and withdrawn.\u00a0 He wondered if he should try and get some help outside of the family for Little Joe.\u00a0 He had been so certain that all Joe needed was his family.\u00a0 He was not as sure now.\u00a0 He had been encouraged by Joe talking with him the pervious night, but the morning had brought the same solemn stranger who had begun to inhabit his son\u2019s body.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben also had the running of the ranch on his mind.\u00a0 He knew this paled in comparison to what was going on with Joseph, but knew in a way they were related.\u00a0 Since the accident, Ben had done little of the management of the ranch.\u00a0 In the past he could turn the management of the ranch over to Adam, but Adam seemed to be struggling as well.\u00a0 It seemed Adam was avoiding Joe, and this meant that Adam stayed working outside much more lately, rather than inside balancing the books. Ben knew his eldest was not real comfortable with emotions and tended to shy away, therefore Ben assumed Adam\u2019s distance was due to Adam having a difficult time seeing Joe hurting. Ben did not blame Adam.\u00a0 It tore out Ben\u2019s heart every time he looked at his youngest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben finally realized sleep was not going to come for a while and retreated downstairs.\u00a0 He walked to the fireplace and stoked the fire to provide light into the room.\u00a0 He lit a lamp and walked over to his desk to attempt once more to balance ledgers.\u00a0 He worked a while and then decided to go into the kitchen for a light snack.\u00a0 He passed the door that had become Joe\u2019s bedroom and decided to check on Joseph.\u00a0 He quietly opened the door to see a made bed.\u00a0 The room was empty.\u00a0 \u201cWhere was Joseph?\u201d\u00a0 Ben wondered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben remembered Joe having come in from outside the previous night and decided to see if Joe was outside once more.\u00a0 He opened the heavy front door and walked out onto the porch.\u00a0 Joe was about to finish the bottle he had escaped into and was taking his last drink when his father appeared.\u00a0 Ben had moved over to where his son had taken to sitting over the last few weeks and saw Joe finishing the bottle.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s going on here!?\u201d\u00a0 Ben shouted, terrified at the scene he was seeing.\u00a0 He could not believe he was seeing Joseph, slouched in a chair , with a liquor bottle up to his mouth.\u00a0 He saw a ranch hand next to his son, sitting with a stunned look on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked over at his father and knew he was in a great deal of trouble.\u00a0 He knew his father had seen exactly what was going on.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph Francis Cartwright!\u00a0 What do you think you\u2019re doing?!\u201d\u00a0 Ben again questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm\u2026 I was um\u2026talkin\u2019 to Phillips here.\u201d\u00a0 Joe meekly responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo you weren\u2019t.\u00a0 You were drinking.\u201d\u00a0 Ben corrected his son.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said to Phillips, \u201cWhat are you doing drinking with a boy?\u00a0 You will be off this ranch come sun up.\u00a0 Joseph, get in the house.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa wait.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to speak.\u00a0 It was obvious to Ben his son was intoxicated.\u00a0 \u201cPhillips didn\u2019t mean nuthin\u2019 by it.\u00a0 I was the one who told him to do it.\u00a0 He just was helpin\u2019 me out s\u2019all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHelping you out, Joseph.\u00a0 How is this helping you out?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy \u2026 um\u2026by\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe had no idea how to answer his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy getting you drunk?\u00a0 Does that help you, boy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cYeah, Pa, more than you\u2019ll ever know.\u201d\u00a0 But wisely decided that was not the best thing to say to his father at that moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Joseph?\u00a0 How does this help you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust does.\u201d\u00a0 Was all Joe could say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGet in the house, NOW!\u201d\u00a0 Ben had heard enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood up and made his way slowly to the house.\u00a0 He had been able to do quite a bit of practicing regarding walking on crutches while drunk lately,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben turned to the ranch hand and remembering Joe had gone outside the previous evening as well.\u00a0 \u201cHow long has this been going on?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u2026uh\u2026 a couple four weeks or so.\u201d\u00a0 Phillips knew he had to tell Mr. Cartwright the truth.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFOUR WEEKS?!\u201d\u00a0 Ben screamed.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re telling me that my son has been out here drinking for four weeks?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 yes sir.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI ought to have you shot for this!\u201d\u00a0 Ben was seeing red.\u00a0 How could he have not known Joe was drinking for the past four weeks?\u00a0 It scared him to think what else Joe could do without his knowledge.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can collect your wages in the morning and then get off my land!\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, turning to go inside.\u00a0 He entered the house and slammed the front door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had stumbled into the house and sat on the couch listening to his father yell at the ranch hand and then storm inside.\u00a0 He felt rather dizzy and very tired.\u00a0 He wanted to pass out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben moved to where Joe was sitting and glared at him.\u00a0 \u201cI have never, never been so angry with you in my life, Joseph!\u00a0 You have been outside drinking for the past four weeks!\u00a0 You have been lying to me young man!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I haven\u2019t lied about anything.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, trying to defend himself , but mostly just sounding drunk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you most certainly have!\u00a0 Every night you went out there you lied to me!\u00a0 I thought I could trust you, but I was wrong.\u00a0 This is it!\u00a0 I am doing what ever it takes to get you help!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Even in his drunken state, Joe could feel the fear in him.\u00a0 He thought over what his father had said.\u00a0 He had not started drinking to upset his father, and he did not see how it could be lying.\u00a0 He was trying to stop thinking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had been awaken by the yelling while Ben was still outside.\u00a0 They had meet in the hallway upstairs at the same time and had stayed there listening to the commotion.\u00a0 Finally, they both realized they may be needed downstairs to help if there were trouble and descended the stairs together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe saw his brothers arrive, but was quick to look back at his father.\u00a0 \u201cPa,\u00a0 I didn\u2019t lie.\u00a0 I just\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou just what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just had to make it stop.\u201d\u00a0 The words were coming out of Joe before he could hold them in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMake what stop?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, feeling confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father , then at Hoss and Adam.\u00a0 He could not say more.\u00a0 He had to be quiet.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMake what stop, Joseph?!\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s tone increased.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat looking at his father, but still said nothing.\u00a0 He could not form the words.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The anger, frustration, and fear Ben had been holding back came out at that moment\u00a0 He wanted so desperately to know what was wrong with his son.\u00a0 He screamed,\u00a0 \u201cSPEAK TO ME, BOY!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Ben picked Joe up by the shoulders and lifted him off the couch.\u00a0 Joe was looking his father square in the eye not daring to move.\u00a0 Ben wanted to shake his son until he talked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam cringed at what they were seeing.\u00a0 Hoss tried to intervene,\u00a0 \u201cPa, maybe\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStay out of this Hoss!\u201d\u00a0 Ben yelled, but remaining focused on Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was terrified and started to shake.\u00a0 He had never seen his father like he was at that moment.\u00a0 He had no idea how to respond.\u00a0 His heart was beating through his chest, and he breathed in gasps.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could feel Joe shaking and saw the fear in his son\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cWhat am I doing?\u201d\u00a0 He quickly put Joe back on the couch and turned away from his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat trying to stop shaking.\u00a0 He knew he had hurt his father and did not know how to fix it.\u00a0 He could not talk about all the things in his head.\u00a0 He was unable to let it out.\u00a0 He was more afraid of what was in his head than his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben turned back to Joe, a little calmer but still full of the energy he had felt just a few moments ago,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, what are trying to make stop?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe searched for the words.\u00a0 What could he say that would make sense?\u00a0 Did it even make sense to him?\u00a0 All he said very quietly was,\u00a0 \u201cMake my head stop.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Make your head stop what?\u201d\u00a0 Ben was confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThinking.\u201d\u00a0 Joe revealed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized what Joe had been doing by drinking.\u00a0 He felt the anger leave him and sadness take its place.\u00a0 He looked down at Joe and saw his son, so young and vulnerable.\u00a0 He walked over and sat next to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you can\u2019t do it with whiskey.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to let people help you.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to let your family help.\u00a0 Did nothing we talk about last night sink in?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but Pa, the whiskey helps the best.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He could not stop shaking, nor could he move his eyes away from his father\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, talk to me son. \u00a0Please talk to me.\u201d\u00a0 Ben begged.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at Adam and then at Hoss.\u00a0 He then looked back at his father.\u00a0 No one was going to save him from the interrogation.\u00a0 He began to have a look of panic on his face.\u00a0 He knew he could not talk to them.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I can\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 Joe fought back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you can Joseph.\u00a0 Open your mouth and talk to me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe started shaking his head no.\u00a0 He had to get out of there.\u00a0 He had to get his father to leave him alone.\u00a0 He felt as if he was going to break in two if he was forced to talk.\u00a0 \u201cPa, please I can\u2019t.\u00a0 Don\u2019t do this to me!\u00a0 I can\u2019t!\u00a0 I can\u2019t!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The look on Joe\u2019s face began to scare Ben.\u00a0 He was seeing something coming over Joseph that he feared.\u00a0 Joe had a look that told Ben his son should not be pushed further.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam had seen the transformation in Joe as well. Both brothers felt very protective of Joe and watching the confrontation between Ben and Joe was almost too much.\u00a0 Both also wondered if they would intervene and challenge their father if the scene went much longer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, Joe.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 We won\u2019t talk anymore.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said.\u00a0 The tension in Hoss and Adam deflated after Ben spoke those words.\u00a0 They both said silent prayers of thanks that their father had relented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was trembling and could not stop.\u00a0 He had heard his father let him off without having to speak, but he found he was so afraid.\u00a0 He did not trust he could continue to hold off the questions.\u00a0 He did not know if he could keep away from himself and from them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben wanted to be alone for a few minutes with Joe.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, Adam, I\u2019ve got it here.\u00a0 Go on upstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Neither wanted to be dismissed.\u00a0 They wanted to make sure that their father and Joe did not get into it again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, we\u2019ll just stay and help you a little more.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss said, not moving towards the stairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you will do as I say and go to bed.\u201d\u00a0 Ben responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam stood for a few seconds looking at their father.\u00a0 Ben had a look on his face which said that he was not going to discuss it further.\u00a0 Both men turned and went upstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went and sat by Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I don\u2019t mean to upset you so much.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to talk right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat trying to calm himself.\u00a0 He quietly asked,\u00a0 \u201cCan I go now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I want to help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot now, please Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ll talk to you later.\u00a0 Can I go?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was disappointed in Joe\u2019s request, but acquiesced.\u00a0 Joe slowly rose feeling the alcohol in his head.\u00a0 He moved to the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind him.\u00a0 Ben remained seated looking at the closed door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

By the time Joe woke it was around ten.\u00a0 He was groggy from sleeping hard and his head hurt, both effects of the alcohol.\u00a0 Joe slowly dressed, rubbed his eyes and using his crutches moved out to the couch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, son.\u201d\u00a0 Ben greeted.\u00a0\u00a0 He had been sitting in the great room waiting for Joe to wake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said acknowledging his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, Adam\u2019s been hanging around waiting to see if you want to go out with him to the west pasture.\u00a0 He said he\u2019d like the company, and it\u2019d do you good to get out of the house.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 I don\u2019t think I\u2019m up to it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, not wanting to spend the energy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I want you to go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis another request, or do I not have a choice?\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cPa, really I don\u2019t feel like it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, it would do you good.\u00a0 You need to get out some more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, there\u2019s not much I can do, and besides, I\u2019m going outside.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think it would do you good to do more than sit on the porch.\u00a0 You can enjoy the ride, can\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben persistence was aggravating Joe.\u00a0 He had no intention of going out on a ride with his older brother.\u00a0 If his father was not going to listen to him, then he would have to make up a reason not to go.\u00a0 Joe sat a while longer trying to think of a reason his father would accept for his not going out.\u00a0 It was not that he did not want to be with Adam.\u00a0 He simply did not want to be with anyone.\u00a0 He could not think, so he decided to test out his leg.\u00a0 He remembered his father\u2019s conversation at lunch yesterday about trying to walk some on his leg, so he thought the present time was as good as any other.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell let me try this out first.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said and stood slowly as his father watched.\u00a0 They looked briefly at each other and then Joe looked down at his legs.\u00a0 Joe took a deep breath and stepped lightly onto his injured leg.\u00a0 He immediately wished he had not.\u00a0 There was an intense pain which shot through him.\u00a0 He wanted to sit, but decided he would see how much he could bear. He clinched his teeth and took a step.\u00a0 Again the pain hit him hard. He wanted to scream out, but did not want his father to know how badly he hurt. Again, another step.\u00a0 He had to remind himself to breathe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sat watching Joe, wanting to come to his rescue.\u00a0 Joe moved slowly and with an obvious hesitation. He could see the pain in Joe’s face as his son took small, deliberate steps.\u00a0 He knew the pain had to be excruciating.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe continued to will himself to keep moving forward.\u00a0 He knew he had to make himself walk.\u00a0 He wanted his freedom back.\u00a0 He would walk he told himself.\u00a0 There was no choice in the matter.\u00a0 He traveled slowly towards his father’s office area.\u00a0 He told himself he could stop if he made it to the edge of the desk.\u00a0 That was his goal, and he was not going to stop until he made it.\u00a0 Beads of sweat started to run down his face as he placed every bit of concentration into his movements.\u00a0 His leg was going to cooperate, because he had decided it would.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched with admiration for his determined child.\u00a0 The determination he saw was at times Joe’s greatest asset and at others his biggest liability.\u00a0 Ben had gone up against Joe’s will many times in his son’s life and, although he hated to admit it, more times than not, Joe’s determination won out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached out his hand and grabbed hold of the desk.\u00a0 He made his legs take him right up to where the desk met the floor.\u00a0 He sighed and relaxed his tense shoulders.\u00a0 He had made it.\u00a0 He put his head down to get his breath when he noticed the papers on his father’s desk. \u00a0He saw the book work his father had been struggling to finish.\u00a0 Suddenly, he saw a corner of a piece of heavy paper with the name Larson on it.\u00a0 Nothing else could be made out due to the papers above concealing the rest of the text.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached down and pulled out the hidden paper.\u00a0 His heart jumped and he began to feel like he was going to faint.\u00a0\u00a0 He steadied himself and braced his legs against the desk.\u00a0 He tried to talk, but at first the words would not come.\u00a0 Finally he managed to ask,\u00a0 “Pa, what’s the date?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben found Joe’s question strange.\u00a0 He had watched Joe walk to the desk, and now saw him looking at a piece of paper.\u00a0 Ben answered before it dawned on him what Joe could be looking at.\u00a0 “Um lets see,\u00a0 if I remember right it should be the um…eighteenth of September I believe.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood, his eye frozen on the piece of paper.\u00a0 “The eighteenth?!…The eighteenth?!” he asked himself several times.\u00a0 “Today is my wedding day…Today is my… NO!…Don’t think about it!…Stop thinking about it!\u00a0 It isn’t your wedding day!\u00a0 You don’t get to marry her!\u00a0 She’s gone!\u00a0 You killed her!\u00a0 You killed her!\u00a0 You’re the reason for all of it!… Stop it!\u00a0 Just stop it!”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw that Joe was not moving and continued to look at what was in his hands.\u00a0 “Joe?\u00a0 What are you looking at?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joe?\u00a0 Son?”\u00a0 Ben got up and walked over to where Joe stood.\u00a0 He looked at what was in his son’s hand and felt a deep sense of dread come over him.\u00a0 It was the wedding invitation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph?”\u00a0 It was evident that Joe was not hearing him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stood looking at his son when the door opened and in walked Adam.\u00a0 Adam moved over to where he saw his father and youngest brother standing.\u00a0 “Hey Joe,\u00a0 you ready to go?”\u00a0 he asked, unaware of what was happening at that moment inside of Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held up his hand to get Adam’s attention.\u00a0 It was then that Adam realized there was something very wrong.\u00a0 Ben shook his head to stop Adam from coming closer or speaking further.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph, son, talk to me.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe’s thoughts were racing in his head,\u00a0 “Oh God!… I can’t do this! I can’t stop it!” The thoughts and images of Joe’s relationship with Rebecca moved so quickly through his mind.\u00a0 It was as if he were trapped in a racing river.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben reached out and took the invitation from Joe’s hand.\u00a0 Joe stood without moving for a moment until it registered in his mind that he was no longer holding the paper.\u00a0 He slowly turned his head and moved his eyes up so they locked with his father’s eyes. Ben saw for a second what looked like a puzzled expression come over his son’s face.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All at once Joe screamed,\u00a0 “Give me that!\u00a0 It’s mine!”\u00a0 and tore the invitation from Ben’s hands before he knew what was taking place.\u00a0 Joe then turned, and half ran, half pulled himself upstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could not believe what he had just seen. Joe had stood before him completely unaware that Ben was speaking to him.\u00a0 His son had gone from a painful struggle to walk to running upstairs.\u00a0 It was unbelievable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Adam, help me!”\u00a0 Ben called out, as he raced up the stairs after his youngest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Adam were quickly at Joe’s door.\u00a0 Joe was saying over and over “Where is it?” and tearing clothes out of his bureau.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t find it! Where is it!\u201d\u00a0 Joe continued to look through all of the drawers and then moved his hand over the top of the bureau sweeping everything onto the floor.\u00a0 He then dove on top of the strewn items and started frantically hunting through them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not here! It\u2019s gone!\u00a0 It has to be here!\u00a0 Where is it!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was panicking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, what are you looking for?\u201d\u00a0 Ben quietly asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGone!\u00a0 It\u2019s gone!\u00a0 It was here!\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked intently through the items.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben kneeled down with Joe, so that he could have Joe look at him.\u00a0 He said in a calm, quiet voice, \u201cJoe, let me help.\u00a0 Tell me what you are looking for.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not here, Pa!\u00a0 I can\u2019t find it!\u00a0 I put it right here!\u2026 It\u2019s gone!\u2026 She\u2019s gone!\u00a0 It\u2019s all gone!\u00a0 I can\u2019t find it, Pa!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father with a look that made Ben question if Joe was at that moment sane.\u00a0 Ben asked \u201c What\u2019s gone?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEverything, Pa!\u00a0 It\u2019s gone!\u00a0 I can\u2019t find it!\u00a0 Why did it go, Pa?!\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 I killed it all!\u00a0 I killed it, Pa!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben grabbed hold of his son,\u00a0 \u201cJoe listen to me.\u00a0 I\u2019ll find it for you.\u00a0 Tell me what it is, and I\u2019ll find it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you can find it?!\u00a0 You can?\u00a0\u00a0 Yeah!\u2026Yeah, you can!\u201d\u00a0 You get it and bring it to me!\u00a0 Then I can marry her, Pa!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart sank.\u00a0 Joe was somewhere else in his mind.\u00a0 He did not know what it was that Joe needed to find, but he knew that his son was not there at that moment.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I want you to come over here with me right now.\u201d\u00a0 Ben wanted to lead Joe over to the bed and put him in it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you gonna help me, huh?\u00a0 I need you, Pa.\u00a0 You gotta help me. I can\u2019t find it, and she won\u2019t marry me unless I have it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, his voice sounding very young.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat should I look for, Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, trying to comfort his child.\u00a0 He placed Joe in bed as he talked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you know\u2026\u00a0 the ring.\u00a0 I can\u2019t find it, and she won\u2019t marry me unless I have it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, his voice so soft and young.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at Adam.\u00a0 He needed to know someone else was hearing the same thing as himself.\u00a0 Ben gestured for Adam to look for the ring.\u00a0 \u201cOkay son.\u00a0 I\u2019m looking.\u00a0 I want you to lie down now and rest.\u00a0 You need to lie down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut why, Pa?\u00a0 I want to be with her.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go and be with Rebecca now, \u2018kay, Pa?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe.\u00a0 You need to stay right here with me.\u00a0 You have to just lay here right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe suddenly became excited again.\u00a0 \u201cPa, help me Pa!\u00a0 Did you find it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At that moment Adam discovered the wedding ring.\u00a0 He quickly handed it to his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere, Joseph.\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 You need to just lay down now and rest.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said holding his young son in his arms and handing Joe his most sought after possession.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u00a0 You found it!\u00a0 Pa, now Rebecca\u2019s mine!\u00a0 Now we can get married!\u201d\u00a0 Joe took the ring and clutched it tightly in his hand.\u00a0 He was determined for it to never leave his possession again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew Joe was gone from him.\u00a0 He had been able to get Joe to the bed and pulled him down on it. He then sat, put his arms around his son and began rocking his youngest back and forth in Joe\u2019s bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sat watching the scene before him.\u00a0 It was so sad.\u00a0 Joe had given into his grief and pain, almost collapsing in on himself.\u00a0 His brother was curled up in his father\u2019s arms as a young child would be.\u00a0 Ben was stroking Joe\u2019s hair and talking softly.\u00a0 Adam saw the tears in Ben\u2019s eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShh, shh, it\u2019s okay son.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u201d\u00a0 Ben repeated over and over as he rocked and stroked Joe\u2019s hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two older men looked at each other.\u00a0 Ben had an expression of worry and fear on his face.\u00a0 Adam wanted to help both his father and brother, but did not know what to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was thinking of a wedding.\u00a0 He could see it so clearly in his head.\u00a0 He was watching her walk to him.\u00a0 He was taking her hand from her father\u2019s and they were standing together before the preacher.\u00a0 \u201cStop it!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, in his head.\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 It won\u2019t ever be that way!\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to just stop it!\u00a0 You are losing it, Joe!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How easy it would be for him to surrender to the madness.\u00a0 He could just let his mind go and eventually it would take him to a place where he would not be able to return.\u00a0 But madness scared him.\u00a0 The feeling of being lost that came when he allowed himself to travel down that path was so terrifying it kept Joe hanging on to his sanity.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He felt his father gently rocking him.\u00a0 It felt so familiar, but it was a feeling without words.\u00a0 He expected to smell rose water at that moment.\u00a0 \u201cMama?\u201d\u00a0 he said out loud.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s tears were falling freely.\u00a0 \u201cSon, she\u2019s with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe said nothing further.\u00a0 He lay in his father\u2019s arms allowing himself to think of the rocking.\u00a0 At that moment he felt his mother\u2019s love coming through his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben continued to hold his son, and Adam had taken a chair in Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 Neither wanted to leave.\u00a0 Joe had not moved nor spoken in several hours.\u00a0 The silence was disturbed when Hoss entered the room.\u00a0 He saw the scene before him and became pale.\u00a0 He did not understand what he was seeing.\u00a0 \u201cPa what\u2019s wrong with Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw the look of fear on Hoss\u2019s face.\u00a0 It was a look that matched both his own and Adam\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, son\u2026\u201d\u00a0 How was Ben to explain what he and Adam had just witnessed?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss was becoming increasingly more alarmed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized he could not talk to Hoss the way he needed to in front of Joseph.\u00a0 He knew he would have to take Hoss out of the room to speak.\u00a0 Ben attempted to move Joe off of him and Joe protested by grabbing tight to his father and clutched the ring in his hand even tighter.\u00a0 Joe felt that holding on to his father was what kept him from slipping over the edge in his mind.\u00a0 He needed to be held.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm, Adam, he\u2019s not letting me go.\u00a0 Could ya come here and help?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.\u00a0 \u201cI have to talk to Hoss, and with Joe like this, I don\u2019t want to do it in front of him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam moved over to where his father and Joe were on the bed.\u00a0 The two men worked to pass Joe from father to brother.\u00a0 As soon as Joe\u2019s grasp was pried away from his father, he latched on to his brother.\u00a0 This was also a familiar place for Adam.\u00a0 He had held his brother many times when Joe was little.\u00a0 Adam had often felt confused about his role with his little brother.\u00a0 Was he a parent or a sibling?\u00a0 The difference in age had been a natural barrier between the two.\u00a0 Adam found it difficult to see the world through his brother\u2019s eyes and he knew Joe could not see his world.\u00a0 The personalities did not allow a lot of open affection between them, but each needed the other.\u00a0 Joe needed Adam to help him over adolescence as only an older brother could, and Adam needed Joe to help him remain young.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam continued the rocking just as he had seen his father doing.\u00a0 He began to talk to Joe quietly, hoping to break through the wall that Joe had between himself and everything else.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you\u2019re going to be okay.\u00a0 You need to come back to us, now.\u00a0 You know what it would do to Pa if he lost you?\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t make it Joe.\u00a0 He really needs you.\u00a0 And Hoss?\u00a0 Joe, Hoss is your best friend, you know that.\u00a0 He talks about the things you two have done together all the time.\u00a0 He\u2019s just about to rub Cochise\u2019s coat off keeping her looking good for you.\u00a0 He knows how much you love that pony.\u00a0 \u2026And Joe\u2026 I\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Adam paused, trying to come up with the words to say what he wanted to his baby brother.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you know you and I fight, but I\u2019m finding with you being so bad off, I\u2019m missing fighting with you.\u00a0 I wish you\u2019d say something right now so we could get into it.\u00a0 Then I\u2019d know you were okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard what Adam said, but was unable to respond.\u00a0 He thought of all the times he had said and wanted to say mean things to Adam since the accident.\u00a0 He did not have the energy anymore.\u00a0 He just lay in his brother\u2019s arms knowing he was so very afraid.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked Hoss out into the hall to fill him in on what had happened with Joe.\u00a0 Hoss could not believe what he was hearing.\u00a0 He could not accept Little Joe was as bad off as his father explained.\u00a0 He began to think his father was exaggerating.\u00a0 He wanted to talk to his little brother himself.\u00a0 \u201cPa, let me talk to him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt it was worth a try.\u00a0 He recognized that there was a very special bond between Joe and Hoss.\u00a0 Ben knew that when he was little, Joe thought Hoss hung the moon.\u00a0 He would follow his older brother around and make Hoss show him everything he did around the ranch.\u00a0 Hoss had to sneak out of the house on days where Joe was home from school, and Hoss wanted privacy.\u00a0 Even then, most of the time Joe would find his brother and make him entertain him.\u00a0 When Joe was little, if someone wanted to find him, they just had to look for Hoss.\u00a0 The two were inseparable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been concerned as Joe aged, how the relationship between the brothers would fair.\u00a0 Joe had to grow up, and that also meant that Joe would naturally grow away somewhat from his older brother.\u00a0 Ben had seen it happen slowly.\u00a0 Joe had become more private, although he knew the two boys still talked quite regularly.\u00a0 It seemed as his youngest grew older, the brother\u2019s roles reversed at times.\u00a0 Ben saw Joe giving Hoss more and more advice, and he had noticed Joe\u2019s ability to talk Hoss into things was amazing.\u00a0 Most of the time though,\u00a0 Ben believed Hoss willingly let himself be talked into it pretty easily, if the truth be told.\u00a0 The excitement that Joe sought could be contagious at times.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, Hoss it\u2019s worth a try.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, leading Hoss back into Joe\u2019s room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss entered the room and moved over to where he could look at his brother\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cHey little buddy, can you hear me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held tightly to Adam.\u00a0 He heard Hoss, but something stopped him from answering.\u00a0 He could not talk.\u00a0 He felt as if he was trapped, but it was a trap of his own making.\u00a0 He had to hold all of his focus on not slipping over the edge.\u00a0 To speak would move the focus and make him susceptible to slipping.\u00a0 He never wanted the quiet talking and rocking to stop.\u00a0 He used to want to be all grown up.\u00a0 It was no longer his wish.\u00a0 He wanted to be little again.\u00a0 It had never hurt as bad when he was a boy as it did at that moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe can you look at me?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss tried another approach.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was staring off into nothing.\u00a0 He felt to move his eyes would change things and move him closer to the edge once more.\u00a0 He could not move.\u00a0 He would not move.\u00a0 He stared at nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He tried again,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, look at me now!\u00a0 You need to look at me!\u00a0 This isn\u2019t funny anymore!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could not let himself move.\u00a0 It took everything inside of him to hold himself where he was.\u00a0 He was fighting a battle he did not understand or know if he would win.\u00a0 He just knew where ever his mind wanted to go-to madness, he could not let that happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 He had never seen anything like this before.\u00a0 It scared him more than he knew,\u00a0 \u201cCome on Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss started to cry.\u00a0 \u201cYou gotta quit it.\u00a0 Just look at me Joe.\u00a0 Say something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stepped to his middle son and put his arm on Hoss\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, son, enough.\u00a0 Thank you for trying.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss reached out and rubbed Joe\u2019s head.\u00a0 \u201cCome on buddy.\u00a0 Stop it now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome over here.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, leading Hoss to a chair and sitting him down.\u00a0 Ben had no idea how to take the pain away from his children.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe remained caught in his struggle.\u00a0 He was so tired, but he could not rest.\u00a0 Not with so much at stake.\u00a0 He needed to remain vigilant to his mind.\u00a0 He had no idea what would make him not be so afraid.\u00a0 He wanted to go to Rebecca, and yet he was afraid to let his mind take him there.\u00a0 She was in his head, he knew it.\u00a0 He could just allow himself to go there, and he would never feel the hurt, he would never feel the pain and he would never have to be without her.\u00a0 But to do this required surrendering and letting go.\u00a0 He could not let go.\u00a0 There was something in him that made completely letting go impossible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family sat together in Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 The only sound was Adam\u2019s voice talking softly to his little brother.\u00a0 Adam hoped that by talking, he could break through to where ever Joe had gone.\u00a0 Adam felt exhausted, but could not stop.\u00a0 He felt the grasp Joe held on him and could feel his brother\u2019s desperation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben ran what he had seen happen to Joe over and over in his head.\u00a0 Joe had been unreachable to anyone who tried to speak with him.\u00a0 How were they to get through to Joseph?\u00a0 Ben had a momentary panic and thought\u00a0 \u201cWhat if we can\u2019t?\u201d\u00a0 Ben continued to look for some way to reach Joe.\u00a0 He looked around Joe\u2019s room and his eyes landed on Joe\u2019s dresser and the mess that lay on the floor.\u00a0 He saw the invitation laying there. \u00a0He had an idea.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben picked up the invitation and looked at it.\u00a0 He looked over at his son and then back to the invitation.\u00a0 He thought he would try something.\u00a0 He moved over to Joseph and spoke softly.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, son, do you want me to keep this invitation for you, or do you want it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could hear his father\u2019s question and wanted to answer.\u00a0 He wanted the invitation.\u00a0 It was his, but he did not want to risk trying to move or speak.\u00a0 He thought,\u00a0 \u201cPa, give it here.\u00a0 It\u2019s mine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw no change in Joe after having asked the question.\u00a0 He sat holding it in such a manner that, if Joe could see anything, he would see the invitation.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, did you hear me?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Still there was no answer from Joe.\u00a0 Ben attempted one thing further,\u00a0 \u201cOkay Joe, I\u2019ll take this and put it away somewhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s attention began to shift focus.\u00a0 He had to stop his father from taking the invitation.\u00a0 It became more important than fighting the madness.\u00a0 \u201cMine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you say, Joseph?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spoke once more, quietly, but clearly,\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s mine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes it is, Joe.\u00a0 Here take it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To grab hold of the invitation, Joe would have to let go of either Adam or the ring.\u00a0 He did not want to let go of either.\u00a0 He did not move.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell then here Joe,\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep it and you can get it later.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, trying to make Joe want it more.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, give it here.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, without releasing Adam from his grasp.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, if you want it, you have to reach out and get it.\u201d\u00a0 Ben saw that Joe was coming back to them.\u00a0 It was obvious that Joe was paying attention to what Ben was saying and seemed to be thinking about reaching out.\u00a0 Ben felt encouraged.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Joe.\u00a0 You can do it, boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was so afraid to move, but he wanted back what was his.\u00a0 It was a connection to Rebecca and he was not wanting it severed.\u00a0 Adam felt Joe\u2019s hand start to release and held his breath.\u00a0 He had stopped talking when his father had started.\u00a0 He did not want to interfere with what was happening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe let go of Adam and reached for the invitation.\u00a0 Ben did not let go.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I want you to sit up here and look at me.\u00a0 When you do that, I\u2019ll give it to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe continued to look afraid, but did as his father told him.\u00a0 He felt himself rejoining the others in the room as he sat up.\u00a0 He had no idea what had happened to him, but it was terrifying.\u00a0 It felt as if he was waking up from a dream; moving from fog to clear skies.\u00a0 After he had sat up, Joe again reached for the invitation.\u00a0 Ben let go of it and continued to watch his son.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, are you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d\u00a0 He said very quietly.\u00a0 He then looked at Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 The expressions on their faces told him that they were scared.\u00a0 He felt scared himself and seeing their faces did nothing to take away the fear.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u2019\u00a0 Joe questioned himself.\u00a0 He began to believe he may be going insane.\u00a0 He wondered if he could stay away from the madness much longer, and he was not sure if in time, he would not want to surrender to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He sat holding the invitation in one hand and the ring in the other.\u00a0 He suddenly felt very foolish.\u00a0 He had no idea what had made him react the way he had.\u00a0 He only knew he did not want it to happen again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, can we do anything to help you?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, to help I\u2019d have to be able to tell you what was wrong, and I don\u2019t know that.\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought.\u00a0 He said softly,\u00a0 \u201cUh, no, I don\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually the fear in the room subsided for everyone but Joe.\u00a0 The other\u2019s saw that Joe was remaining lucid and it allowed them to relax some.\u00a0 It was evening before Adam and Hoss finally left Joe\u2019s room to tend to the stock and finish some business that could not be ignored.\u00a0 Ben remained with Little Joe in his room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe had become more coherent, he realized how badly his leg was hurting.\u00a0 Although he remained aware of everything that had happened that day, it was almost as if he had watched it happen to someone else.\u00a0 He knew he had practically ran up the stairs, but he had no physically sensation of having done it.\u00a0 That was, until he started to feel the pain.\u00a0 Once he felt it, he could not sit still in the bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben noticed Joe was agitated.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it, boy?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my leg. It\u2019s hurtin\u2019 pretty bad.\u201d\u00a0 Joe confessed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think you put too much on it today.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, as he remembered watching Joe running up the stairs earlier that morning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, oh, geez \u2026\u201d Joe said, as the dull ache turned to sharper pains.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019ll go get you something for that and be back.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, leaving the room. Ben quickly returned to his son and gave him the pain killer.\u00a0 He then set the bottle on Joe\u2019s night stand and sat back down.\u00a0 Joe waited to feel the medication overtake him.\u00a0 Joe was exhausted and knew the medicine would guarantee he would sleep.\u00a0 His eyes eventually became heavy, as the pain in his leg became distant.\u00a0 He allowed sleep to overtake him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sat in his son\u2019s room until he knew Joe was deep in sleep.\u00a0 He pulled the blankets up over his son and rubbed Joe\u2019s cheek with his hand.\u00a0 \u201cGood night, son.\u00a0 I love you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said before he walked out of the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slept peacefully for part of the night.\u00a0 The medicine had allowed him to sleep dreamlessly until it began to wear off.\u00a0 As it did, the dreams returned.\u00a0 Joe was again with Rebecca, and for a while, was very happy.\u00a0 But the dream turned, and again Joe was in agony.\u00a0 It ended with Joe bolting upright and breathing heavily.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took Joe a while to shake off the nightmare.\u00a0 He sat trembling trying to make his head stop thinking of the dream.\u00a0 He sat in the darkness until his heart stopped pounding and his breathing returned to normal.\u00a0 His mind returned to the barn and to the conclusion he had reached while sitting in the dark wanting to die.\u00a0 He had wanted to wait until he was stronger, but after what had happened to him after seeing the invitation, he did not feel he could risk waiting any longer.\u00a0 He was not at all certain he could even do it, but he had to try.\u00a0 He had to try before he went mad.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached for the bottle of medicine and took a long draw.\u00a0 He knew his plan was going to hurt him physically, and his family in so many other ways, but he saw no other option.\u00a0 It was not getting better.\u00a0 In fact he was beginning to believe it was getting significantly worse.\u00a0 He did not want to risk completely breaking down.\u00a0 He believed he had only one chance, and that was to get away from himself and the memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was leaving the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He could no longer stay with his family, nor could he remain Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 He had to leave it behind.\u00a0 If he did not leave, he felt it would drive him over the edge.\u00a0 He knew his family would be hurt, but to stay with them meant he would have to surrender to the madness.\u00a0 It was a choice he believed he had to make.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After he felt the medicine had begun to work, he moved about his room as quickly as he felt he could, given his injury.\u00a0 He was deliberate in what he chose to take and what he would leave.\u00a0 He wanted to leave himself behind.\u00a0 It was important to him that there be nothing of his present life going with him.\u00a0 Joe looked at the invitation and the wedding ring sitting on his night stand.\u00a0 He put the ring in his pocket and took the invitation and went over to the book shelf.\u00a0 He grabbed his favorite book and placed the invitation in between two pages.\u00a0 He took out the silver locket he carried religiously in his pocket.\u00a0 He placed it on his dresser.\u00a0 He paused briefly to open it.\u00a0 He looked at his mother\u2019s picture by using the moon light for illumination.\u00a0 He almost changed his mind about leaving the locket, but then placed it on his dresser and hobbled out of his room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slowly and quietly made his way downstairs.\u00a0 He had his saddlebag with him with a few clothes inside.\u00a0 He walked over to his father\u2019s desk and lit a lamp.\u00a0 He sat at the desk and wrote three letters.\u00a0 He folded the letters and wrote the intended recipient\u2019s name on each.\u00a0 He placed the wedding ring on top of one of the letters and made his way to the door.\u00a0 He went to grab his pistol and gun belt and then paused.\u00a0 He took out his gun and placed it on the credenza.\u00a0 He opened the credenza and pulled out another pistol.\u00a0 He put that in his gun belt and walked outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He made his way to the barn and went inside.\u00a0 He limped to a bay mare that was stabled next to Cochise.\u00a0 He saddled the horse with a spare saddle as quickly as possible, and then lead the horse and Cochise out of the barn.\u00a0 The next step he had dreaded.\u00a0 He was going to have to mount the horse.\u00a0 He had been resting his leg for the six weeks since the accident and until the previous day he had put little pressure on it.\u00a0 When he had he had felt intense pain.\u00a0 He knew to sit a horse would be excruciating.\u00a0 He bent over and took the splint off of his leg.\u00a0 He stood and opened the saddlebag, took out the medicine and took a large drink.\u00a0 Joe waited until he could feel the medicine get heavily into his system.\u00a0 Then he took a deep breath and put his left foot in the stirrup of the bay\u2019s saddle.\u00a0 With one motion he swung himself into a seated position on the horse.\u00a0 Joe wanted to scream out, the pain was so intense.\u00a0 Tears formed in his eyes as he waited for the initial pain to lessen.\u00a0 Finally, it lessened slightly, and he decided not to waste anymore time.\u00a0 He walked the bay out of the yard, with Cochise in tow.\u00a0 When he had cleared the house and yard with enough distance that he felt he would not be heard, he kicked the bay and was off into a gallop.\u00a0 The pain was two fold.\u00a0 His leg was throbbing, but his heart was breaking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had two destinations in mind before he was on his way for good.\u00a0 They were in opposite directions to each other, and he knew he would have to hurry to get away before his family woke.\u00a0 He headed towards Lake Tahoe and his mother\u2019s grave.\u00a0 It was slow going once he was off the main road.\u00a0 He did not want to risk the horses getting injured and the bouncing made his leg ache, so he had to make his way carefully.\u00a0 He arrived at his destination before sun up.\u00a0 He painfully dismounted and limped to where he normally sat in front of his mother\u2019s headstone.\u00a0 He had looked at that headstone so many times before, and had spent many hours talking to it, wanting frantically for his mother to answer him.\u00a0 He longed for her guidance especially as he stood before her now.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began talking aloud to his mother, \u201cMama, is Rebecca with you?\u00a0 Is she there?\u00a0 I miss her so much, and I want you to take care of her.\u00a0 I\u2019m so afraid right now.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with me, but it scares me.\u00a0 I wish I was with you and her.\u00a0 You would fix it.\u00a0 You and Rebecca could make it all stop hurting\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s it like there?\u00a0 Is Rebecca smiling?\u00a0 I hope she is.\u00a0 I love her smile.\u00a0 She\u2019s probably bein\u2019 real nosy, huh?\u00a0 Oh, Mama, I want her back.\u00a0 I want her so bad.\u00a0 It\u2019s not fair.\u00a0 Is she okay?\u00a0 You gotta take care of her, \u2019cause I can\u2019t do it right now\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going away for a while.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna really upset Pa, and Hoss, and Adam, but I don\u2019t know any other way.\u00a0 I can\u2019t stay here and get better.\u00a0 There are too many reminders of how it was before the accident. \u00a0Pa wants me to just talk to him about it, but something stops me.\u00a0 I think I\u2019m goin\u2019 crazy, and I don\u2019t want to do it in front of them.\u00a0 Mama, look after them too okay?\u00a0 Pa\u2019s gonna get all mad and stuff, and Hoss and Adam you know they need to be watched after too.\u00a0 They think they are always watching after me, but you know I watch after them too.\u00a0 Can you take care of that for me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat for as long as he thought he could, then slowly stood and made his way back to the horses.\u00a0 He untied Cochise\u2019s lead from the saddle of the bay and limped away with her to an open area.\u00a0 He hugged his horse and said,\u00a0 \u201cCooch,\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna be gone for a while, and you don\u2019t need to be standing in that barn while I\u2019m gone.\u00a0 I know how much you love to run, and that\u2019s what I want you to do \u2018til I get back.\u00a0 You stay out of trouble.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slowly took the halter off of his beloved horse.\u00a0 She continued to stand there waiting for him.\u00a0 He knew she would not leave him unless she was frightened, so he drew the pistol, and, taking a deep breath, fired it near the horse\u2019s legs.\u00a0 Cochise immediately bolted and ran away.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, girl.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be happier this way.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe dropped the halter, returned to the bay, carefully mounted, and rode toward Virginia City.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Morning brought Ben downstairs and to the kitchen.\u00a0 Hop Sing was busy making breakfast and Ben helped himself to his customary cup of coffee.\u00a0 They exchanged idle talk while waiting for the rest of the house to wake.\u00a0 Soon after, Hoss and Adam appeared downstairs.\u00a0 Both immediately headed outside to tend to the morning feeding.\u00a0 Adam was the first to notice Cochise was not in her stall.\u00a0 He saw that the bay mare was also missing.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, did you put Cochise and that new bay out in the pasture and not bring them in last night?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Adam.\u00a0 You know I wouldn\u2019t do something like that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell the two are gone.\u201d\u00a0 It did not enter either man\u2019s mind that Joe could have been the one to take the horses.\u00a0 Both had assumed that Joe\u2019s leg would not allow him to ride.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou think we were hit by a horse thief?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked, wondering if that was the explanation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI sure hope not.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said, thinking it would be terrible for Joe if he also lost Cochise.\u00a0 \u201cCome on.\u00a0 Let\u2019s tell Pa what\u2019s going on, and then see if we can\u2019t track where the horses were taken.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both men went back into the house.\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u00a0 Pa?\u00a0 Where are you?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked loudly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Just as Hoss was calling for him, Ben came around the corner from the kitchen.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, Cochise and that bay mare are gone from the barn.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, confused.\u00a0 He immediately thought that Joe had gone out, but then thinking of his son\u2019s injury knew there was no way Joe could sit a horse.\u00a0 \u201cDid either of you hear anything last night?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had slept soundly the previous night.\u00a0 He had allowed himself to be comforted by the hope that Joe was probably asleep for the night, and so he had relaxed more than he had previously allowed himself to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo sir.\u201d Hoss answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m wondering if maybe one of the hands heard or saw something.\u00a0 I\u2019ll ask after we eat.\u201d Adam said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three sat down for breakfast and discussed the possibility of horse thieves on the ranch.\u00a0 After finishing eating, Adam went out to question the hands, and Hoss went to look for tracks of the missing horses.\u00a0 Ben had some correspondence to return, so he moved over to his desk.\u00a0 His eyes caught the unmistakable writing of his youngest son.\u00a0 He saw three letters.\u00a0 Each with a name on the front.\u00a0 Ben developed a sick feeling in his stomach as he looked at the letter with the name \u201cPa\u201d written on the front.\u00a0 Sitting on top of that letter was the wedding ring he had given Joe to give his bride on their wedding day.\u00a0 He picked up the letter and the ring.\u00a0 He opened the letter and read,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Pa,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I know what I am doing is going to make you really mad, but it is something I have to do for me.\u00a0 I have to go away for a while.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go crazy if I stay here anymore.\u00a0 I can\u2019t escape my thoughts while I sit around the house.\u00a0 It hurts too much.\u00a0 I told you the other night that I could not stop the thoughts, well I think me going away for a while will help.\u00a0 I need to do this.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ll go crazy if I don\u2019t.\u00a0 I promise that I will come back after I have figured out how to deal with myself.\u00a0 I know you\u2019ll be so mad at me, and I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 Please give me this time.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t think of anything else to do.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry about me.\u00a0 I know how to take care of myself.\u00a0 You and Hoss and Adam made sure of that.\u00a0 Pa, could you make sure Hoss is okay?\u00a0 I think he\u2019s gonna have a hard time with this.\u00a0 I know it is very hard for me to go. I\u2019ll miss you.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Love,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joseph<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

P. S.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I put Mama\u2019s wedding ring on this note so that you could have it back.\u00a0 Thank you for giving it to me for Rebecca.\u00a0 It meant so much to me.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben collapsed in his chair.\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, no, Joseph!\u00a0 No!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s thoughts returned to the previous day when Joe\u2019s mind had been so far away from them.\u00a0 Now Joe was off, God only knew where, in an unstable mental condition.\u00a0 How could Joe ride a horse given his physical condition?\u00a0 Then Ben remembered the resolve he had seen the previous day.\u00a0 If Joseph wanted to do something bad enough, Ben knew he could do it.\u00a0 He was still sitting at his desk stunned by what he had read when Adam and Hoss returned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, nobody heard anything last night.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said, as he approached his father.\u00a0 He saw Ben sitting, his head in his hands and asked, \u201cPa?\u00a0 What is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben did not speak, but held the letter from Joe out to Adam.\u00a0 Hoss began to read over Adam\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cWhat!\u201d\u00a0 Adam exclaimed, as he finished reading the letter.\u00a0 \u201cHe didn\u2019t!\u00a0 What was he thinking?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m truly afraid to answer that question.\u201d\u00a0 Ben responded.\u00a0 Each man recalled the events of the previous day, and all three realized in all likelihood, Joe had not been thinking rationally.\u00a0 \u201cBoys he\u2019s left these for you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, handing each a letter from their little brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss opened his and looked quickly over the handwriting. \u00a0It was as if he was hoping to get to the bottom of the page and see Joe had just been kidding them.\u00a0 He went back up to the top and read the letter aloud.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Hoss,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry I couldn\u2019t tell you I was gonna do this, but I know you would have tried to talk me out of it or would have wanted to come.\u00a0 This is something I have to do, and I\u2019ll be okay.\u00a0 I hope you won\u2019t be too sore at me for leaving, but I\u2019ll come back when it doesn\u2019t hurt so bad.\u00a0 Thank you for taking such good care of Cochise.\u00a0 I have turned her loose \u2018til I get back, so she can run and be happy.\u00a0 I\u2019ll miss you so much.\u00a0 You have to watch out for Pa for me and be a little mean to Adam so he won\u2019t miss me quite so much.\u00a0 Hey, and be late for a meal or two so Hop Sing won\u2019t miss me too much either.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss I love you.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was Adam\u2019s turn next.\u00a0 He had heard Hoss\u2019s letter and was feeling choked up.\u00a0 After taking a deep breath, he read his letter aloud as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Adam,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I know you\u2019ll think, there goes that fool kid again, and, as always, you are probably right, but I gotta do this.\u00a0 I wanted to thank you for yesterday and so many other times when you made me not so afraid.\u00a0 I can never tell you what that meant to me.\u00a0 I know I am mean to you sometimes, but I hope you know that I don\u2019t mean most of what I say.\u00a0 I am very lucky to have you as my big brother.\u00a0 Please look after Pa and Hoss for me. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I love you.\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three men stood together, each with a letter from Joe, each filled with fear regarding the welfare of the youngest Cartwright.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While the Ponderosa was waking to a new day, Joe was riding towards Virginia City.\u00a0 He had allowed the pain in his leg to keep his mind from thinking of the hurt he was causing his family, and the hurt he felt inside.\u00a0 By the time he reached town, it was morning and the streets were alive with activity.\u00a0 He drew the horse up to the bank, dismounted by just letting himself slide off, and limped inside.\u00a0 He had been dreading going to he bank because of fear that Mr. Larson would be there, but he was in luck and Mr. Larson had yet to arrive.\u00a0 He walked up to the teller and requested to close his account.\u00a0 The teller walked away, looked in a ledger, and then walked back to Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I\u2019m afraid there is a slight problem.\u201d\u00a0 The teller said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cThis is all I need.\u201d\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cOh, what\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Mr. Cartwright, we don\u2019t have this much money on hand.\u00a0 We can\u2019t keep this amount here due to possibility of robbery\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere shouldn\u2019t be that much in it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, now very confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere\u2019s the balance.\u00a0 We can give you part of it now and wire for the rest.\u201d The teller said, handing him a piece of paper with a very large dollar amount written on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at the paper and was taken aback.\u00a0 He knew he did not have that kind of money.\u00a0 Where had it come from?\u00a0 He thought for a minute, and then he remembered.\u00a0 This was the money his father was giving him and Rebecca to start their new life.\u00a0 Again the hurt of remembering hit him, and he tried to keep himself composed. \u00a0\u201cOh, I know what this is.\u00a0 Listen there was a really big deposit put into this account several weeks ago.\u00a0 Give me the money that was in the account before that deposit and, uh, then I need to transfer the rest to someone else\u2019s account.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bank teller willing obliged, and Joe was out of the bank quickly.\u00a0 He made his way to the Bucket of Blood and went inside.\u00a0 It was still early in the day and the only people in the saloon were ones who looked as if they had not slept.\u00a0 There was a high stakes game being played in the back corner.\u00a0 Joe walked to the bar and the bartender said,\u00a0 \u201cHey Little Joe, haven\u2019t seen you around in a while.\u00a0 You okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust fine, Sam.\u00a0 Listen, give me a bottle of whiskey.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKind a early isn\u2019t it, Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Sam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m gonna take it with me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, and thought , \u201cIf it\u2019s any of your business.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sam gave him the bottle, and Joe walked out and to his horse.\u00a0 He put the whiskey bottle in the saddle bag and held his breath and winced as he mounted the horse.\u00a0 He quickly rode out from town to the cemetery.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe pulled up his horse, dismounted, grabbed his saddle bag and looked for Rebecca\u2019s grave.\u00a0 He found the headstone and felt his stomach turn as he read the marker.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

REBECCA M. LARSON<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Beloved Daughter<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

She Now Lives With The Angels<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Born: 3\/25\/44\u00a0 Died 8\/5\/62<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It struck him how someone\u2019s life could be summed up in so few words.\u00a0 He knew there should have been so much more written there.\u00a0 She had been so much more to him.\u00a0 Joe sat down and stared at the marker.\u00a0 He had wanted to talk to her for so long, and now he was near her.\u00a0 At first the words did not come.\u00a0 His mind was a blank.\u00a0 He was not sure he wanted to let his mind go where it needed to in order to speak to Rebecca.\u00a0 He opened the saddle bag, pulled out the whiskey bottle, uncorked it and took a long draw.\u00a0 He let the alcohol begin to work, and he started to think about Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca,\u201d\u00a0 he said aloud.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry I haven\u2019t been here sooner.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry about so much.\u00a0 I miss you all the time.\u00a0 It seems everything I look at reminds me of you.\u00a0 When I was at the house I kept thinking of the times you had been there when we were kids, and all the parties you were there for, and all the fun times.\u00a0 I think all the time of the engagement party Pa had for us there, and how I couldn\u2019t stand it that I couldn\u2019t be alone with you then.\u00a0 I\u2019d settle now for just being able to watch you for the rest of your life, even if I could never have you alone.\u00a0 I miss seeing you.\u00a0 I miss talking to you.\u00a0 I miss everything.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca, I have to go away\u00a0 I can\u2019t stay here.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for that too.\u00a0 I am a coward I know, but I am too afraid of what\u2019s in my head.\u00a0 I guess I\u2019ve let you down the most.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t get the guts up to kill myself and be with you.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for so much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat looking at the headstone and drinking.\u00a0 Eventually the alcohol and fatigue became to much, and he passed out on Rebecca\u2019s grave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

By the time Joe came to, it was afternoon.\u00a0 He was groggy and for a minute did not know where he was.\u00a0 After he shook off the sleep, he got to his feet, and said one final good bye to Rebecca.\u00a0 He mounted the bay and rode west with no destination in mind.\u00a0 His only goal to become lost to himself and his memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Six days on the trail only stopping to cat nap or rest his horse had ended Joe in California and thinking of going to San Francisco.\u00a0 He had been there with his family several times and knew the city.\u00a0 He thought maybe he would stop in Sacramento to rest for a while, and then head on into the larger city.\u00a0 As he rode, his leg varied in pain from excruciating to numb depending upon how little or how much he allowed the medicine and alcohol to assist him.\u00a0 He had made the trip slower than he had expected, but his leg slowed him down considerably.\u00a0 The small towns he passed through meant a chance to grab a bottle of whiskey to drink while he rode or to stop in on the local doctor and get more of the pain medicine.\u00a0 This allowed the pain to stay tolerable while he was on the horse during the day and allowed him to pass out into a dreamless state at night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had discovered while drinking with Phillips that the whiskey allowed him to escape himself.\u00a0 It was the reason he had started to drink and the reason he continued.\u00a0 He knew he did not like how he felt when the alcohol wore off, but the relief he felt while intoxicated was so appealing he overlooked the problems that drinking may have caused.\u00a0 The alcohol allowed him to sit a horse.\u00a0 It made it bearable to endure the pressure and jostling that was being placed on his thigh.\u00a0 Had he not had the alcohol, Joe would not have been able to leave the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Had he not been able to leave the Ponderosa, Joe believed he would have gone mad.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had been through Sacramento, but knew very little of the city.\u00a0 He knew his father had lived outside of the city in the Sacramento Valley with Adam and Hoss before he was born, and before his father had decided to retreat to the high mountain paradise that was the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Joe had heard the stories of his father\u2019s relationship with John Sutter.\u00a0 His father had told him how difficult it was for the Cartwrights and John Sutter when gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley.\u00a0 Their land had become overrun by gold seekers.\u00a0 The land his father had worked hard to make into a home for himself and his two small boys was trampled.\u00a0 It was then that his father had decided to move himself and his young boys to the Sierra Mountains, away from the greedy mob attacking California.\u00a0 It was for this reason Joe knew that his father protected the Ponderosa so closely.\u00a0 He had lost a ranch once and was not going to allow it to happen again.\u00a0 His father had also taught him what running rough shod over land did to it.\u00a0 Joe had grown up with a respect for land that few young men his age had.\u00a0 It was from his father\u2019s experience that he had learned this.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe rode up to the Cock o\u2019 the Walk Saloon and painfully dismounted.\u00a0 He was tired and wanted to grab something to drink and then turn in for the night.\u00a0 He limped into the saloon, up to the bar, and ordered a whiskey.\u00a0 Joe did not realize he was being watched the moment he walked into the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A tall, gangly man in his thirties watched the young man enter.\u00a0 He noticed the stranger was covered with trail dirt and appeared to be quite young.\u00a0 He also noted the limp.\u00a0 He waited, watching the door to see if anyone else followed the stranger inside.\u00a0 There was no one.\u00a0 He looked towards a young saloon girl who stood nearby watching a card game.\u00a0 He nodded towards Joe.\u00a0 She nodded back and walked over to the bar.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHowdy stranger,\u201d\u00a0 she said, flashing a smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned to see a stunningly attractive woman.\u00a0 She had golden blonde hair and blue eyes.\u00a0 She wore a deep blue dress cut surprisingly low and appeared to be in her early twenties.\u00a0 Before, Joe would have immediately tried to flirt with her, but he no longer did so much he used to do.\u00a0 He looked her up and down and said, \u201chowdy,\u201d without smiling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She was momentarily thrown by his lack of interest in her attention.\u00a0 She was very used to men giving her attention, especially in the saloon.\u00a0 She thought she would try again.\u00a0 \u201cYou want to join me for a drink?\u201d\u00a0 She asked, slightly put out that she was having to do the asking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe simply stood for a moment looking at her trying to decide if he wanted to bother with her.\u00a0 He thought it would not hurt to have a drink.\u00a0 \u201cSure.\u201d He said, his voice lacking any enthusiasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She walked to a table and sat down.\u00a0 He joined her with a bottle and two glasses.\u00a0 He did not speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you gotta name?\u201d\u00a0 She finally asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d\u00a0 he answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, just Joe, what brings you to Sacramento?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He looked at her trying to think of something to say.\u00a0 He knew he did not want anyone to know who he was or why he was there.\u00a0 \u201cJust passing through.\u201d He said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFrom where?\u201d\u00a0 She continued to prod.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAll over.\u201d\u00a0 He deliberately remained vague.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cListen, does the interrogation go with the drink?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, trying to stop the questions.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She looked at him wondering what was his story.\u00a0 He obviously did not want to tell her about himself.\u00a0 \u201cSorry, just trying to make conversation.\u00a0 By the way, my name is Kenny.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at her for a minute wanting to remain cold to her, but her smile was beginning to soften him some.\u00a0 \u201cWell Kenny, you wanna drink?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you\u2019d never ask.\u201d\u00a0 She said, smiling again.\u00a0 She then turned and looked at the tall man.\u00a0 He nodded again, and she smiled and winked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat with Kenny making small talk.\u00a0 She put her hand on his knee, and he picked it up and put it back on the table.\u00a0 She tried to move close to him, and he moved away.\u00a0 He could not even think of being with a woman.\u00a0 Kenny was again surprised that the young man was not interested in her.\u00a0 She was not used to this at all.\u00a0 She saw him watching a poker game next to them.\u00a0 \u201cYou play?\u201d\u00a0 she asked, realizing there was another tactic she could take.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSome.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know Taylor there\u2019ll be cutting out soon.\u00a0 You want his seat?\u00a0 I can arrange it.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny offered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNah, not interested.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, but he continued to watch the game.\u00a0 It was getting late, and he knew he really should go to the hotel and get a room.\u00a0 But that meant trying to sleep, an activity he had grown to dread.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat a while longer debating with himself if he was going to leave the saloon.\u00a0 He gave into his fear of sleep and decided to play cards.\u00a0 When he told Kenny to count him in on the card game, he did not see her nod her head to the tall man, nor did he see the tall man make eye contact and nod to one of the player\u2019s already in the game.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s decision to play cards that evening would come back to haunt him later.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The days after Joe left the Ponderosa passed painfully slow for his family.\u00a0 After finding the letters Ben, Adam and Hoss shared the same fear.\u00a0 Joe had walked out of the house without any of them knowing his mental state.\u00a0 Each recalled how fragile Joe had been the previous day and each feared the worst.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had ridden into town hours after Joe had left the ranch.\u00a0 What Ben was unaware of was at the same time as he arrived in town, his son was passed out on his fiancee\u2019s grave.\u00a0 Ben went into town on the outside chance that perhaps Joe had simply ran away to town for some time alone.\u00a0 He seriously doubted this, but could not sit at the ranch feeling helpless.\u00a0 Ben felt his frustration increase when he realized one of the primary methods he used for locating his youngest was to look for Cochise.\u00a0 He realized if Joe was telling the truth in his letter to Hoss, Joe was not riding Cochise.\u00a0 He was on a very plain bay mare.\u00a0 As Ben looked around town, he saw at least a dozen bay horses.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben immediately went to Roy Coffee\u2019s office, but was not really certain why.\u00a0 He knew Roy could do nothing other than put out a wire to those neighboring town sheriffs who would be willing to cooperate in keeping an eye out for Joseph.\u00a0 Ben shared with his long time friend the mental state Joe had been in the previous day.\u00a0 Roy tried to hide his concern from his friend, but Ben read through it.\u00a0 Neither said what they were thinking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Roy suggested that they look around town just in case someone knew something.\u00a0 As the two men walked down the street, John Larson noticed them and approached.\u00a0 \u201cHello Roy.\u00a0 Ben, how are you?\u201d\u00a0 John questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHello, John.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, his face showing deep concern.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBen, is something wrong?\u201d\u00a0 John inquired.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yes, I\u2019m afraid so.\u00a0 Joe has run away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 John asked shocked.\u00a0 Although he had gotten to the bank after Joe had left, John had taken care of the paperwork to close out Joe\u2019s account and transfer the funds Joe had requested to be placed back in his father\u2019s account.\u00a0 \u201cBut Ben, he was just in the bank a couple of hours ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe was here!\u201d\u00a0 Ben suddenly felt hope.\u00a0 \u201cHow long ago?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, lets see.\u00a0 It would have had to have been five or more hours ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart sank.\u00a0 That gave Joe such an incredible lead on them.\u00a0 \u201cJohn, can I ask what he was doing at the bank?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure Ben.\u00a0 Joe closed his bank account.\u00a0 He told the teller there was too much money in it, so he had the last deposit that was made into his account put into yours.\u00a0 He took the rest.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben reacted to the news with mixed feelings.\u00a0 He knew Joe did not have much money in his account, so Ben felt Joe would not be able to get very far on it, but the thought of Joe out in the world somewhere without money also scared him.\u00a0 Ben continued to run thoughts of Joe over and over in his mind.\u00a0 His son was in danger, he knew it.\u00a0 He was uncertain if that danger would be from outside sources or from his son himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Roy finally broke through Ben\u2019s thinking.\u00a0 \u201cBen, we need to check around and see if anyone else has seen Little Joe.\u00a0 Let\u2019s check the stage.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Roy\u2019s idea brought a flicker of hope back to Ben.\u00a0 If Joe had caught a stage, then they would know where he was.\u00a0 They worked their way to the stage office, passing the Bucket of Blood on the way.\u00a0 Ben looked over the saloon door, but did not go in.\u00a0 There was no sign of his son.\u00a0 The stage office yielded similar results, and Ben again faced despair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On Ben\u2019s ride out of Virginia City he remembered the cemetery.\u00a0 He rode there quickly and dismounted.\u00a0 He walked to Rebecca\u2019s grave.\u00a0 He had no idea his son had left that spot only minutes before.\u00a0 Ben took off his hat and bowed his head.\u00a0 He prayed for two lost children: Rebecca who they had lost six weeks ago, and Joseph who they had lost that day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam immediately headed to Marie\u2019s grave.\u00a0 They knew Joe would go no where without stopping there first.\u00a0 They had decided to go together, so if there were tracks one could head back to the ranch, and the other could follow.\u00a0 The men had ridden the horses hard and arrived at the graveside in record time.\u00a0 They both dismounted and called after their brother.\u00a0 There was no answer.\u00a0 They looked around the area and saw two sets of hoof prints.\u00a0 One the unmistakable prints of Cochise, but the imprint indicated that the paint pony was carrying no weight.\u00a0 Cochise\u2019s hoof prints took off in a southern direction and her halter was found lying in the grass.\u00a0 There was another set of prints that headed northeast.\u00a0 It was evident that Joe was on this horse and it was these prints that Hoss and Adam followed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two brothers rode as quickly as they could and still follow the tracks.\u00a0 They quickly lost heart when they saw the tracks heading towards the main road to Virginia City.\u00a0 The traffic on the road would make it more difficult, but not impossible to follow.\u00a0 It would be if Little Joe rode into town that they would lose the tracks.\u00a0 They both prayed that if Joe had ridden into Virginia City, he had stopped there and their father would bring him home.\u00a0 Given what Joe had written in his letters, they doubted he would stop so close to home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam rode back in time to meet their father riding up to the ranch.\u00a0 The men retired inside to fill each other in on what had been discovered.\u00a0 Hop Sing stood back out of sight listening to the reports.\u00a0 He was filled with worry.\u00a0 He had feared the boy would run from his home in an attempt to handle his pain.\u00a0 He had hoped he was wrong and realized he was not.\u00a0 Hop Sing thought to himself that the boy would be truly lost if he was without his family.\u00a0 He prayed that the boy was not lost to them forever.\u00a0 He prayed harder that the boy was not lost to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was beside himself with worry.\u00a0 His worry increased as he realized what his son had left behind as he left his home.\u00a0 Ben had gone into Joe\u2019s room to try and see if there was any clue as to where his son was headed.\u00a0 He looked at his Joe\u2019s unmade bed.\u00a0 Joe had been sleeping there just hours ago.\u00a0 He saw the contents of Joe\u2019s dresser strewn around from where his son had frantically searched for the wedding ring the previous day.\u00a0 His eyes landed on the item that made him feel despair.\u00a0 There on Joe\u2019s dresser was the locket with his mother\u2019s picture inside.\u00a0 This was one of his son\u2019s most prized possessions.\u00a0 Joe had never parted with it willingly.\u00a0 That was until that day.\u00a0 Ben feared what it could mean.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

An unusual phenomena fell over the Ponderosa any time a family member was away.\u00a0 The ranch continued to run, but it ran with an emptiness.\u00a0 It was never obvious, so that it was anything a person could put their finger on, but there would come a feeling as if something was missing.\u00a0 If one Cartwright was away, be it for a cattle drive or business trip, it was as if the land knew, and waited for the individual to return.\u00a0 It had happened over and over.\u00a0 As Joe left the Ponderosa, the land began it\u2019s wait.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe took his place at the card table.\u00a0 The game of the moment was five card draw.\u00a0 Joe anted up and began an evening of winning at cards.\u00a0 He sat slumped down in his chair, hat pulled down low, and a cigarette hanging from his mouth.\u00a0 He was rather surprised at how well he was doing.\u00a0 Joe tended to be a good card player if he remained focused and played conservatively.\u00a0 If he lost focus, then he tended to lose money quickly.\u00a0 What had amazed him was he knew he had drunk a lot of liquor.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, he knew he was well on his way to being drunk.\u00a0 He had drunk much more than he was used to drinking while playing cards, and yet he continued to win. \u00a0He allowed the tone of the game to be set by the other players, and the stakes were rapidly getting high.\u00a0 Joe knew he should ask to be dealt out, but he was caught up in the momentum of winning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was when he realized he had more than doubled his money, that he decided the hand he was currently playing would be his last.\u00a0 By the time the hand was called, Joe held three aces.\u00a0 The other\u2019s laid down their cards, and Joe knew he had them.\u00a0 \u201cGentlemen, read \u2018em and weep.\u201d He said, laying down his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The men grumbled, but knew they had lost.\u00a0 Joe said as he stood, \u201cWell gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking your money, and now I must retire for the evening.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe gathered the money in the pot and stuffed it in his pocket.\u00a0 Walking was difficult when he was sober let alone after having drunk all night, but he managed, though not too gracefully.\u00a0 He made his way out the saloon door and looked at his horse.\u00a0 \u201cUh oh. What am I gonna do with you?\u201d\u00a0 he slurred his words as he spoke to the horse.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He did not have time to say or do anything else before he was grabbed and pulled into the alley next to the saloon.\u00a0 It did not register with Joe at first what was happening.\u00a0 There were two men, one holding him from behind, and one standing in front of him.\u00a0 He had not seen either one of them before.\u00a0 The one in front of him spoke, \u201cHey Sonny,\u00a0 give us your money, and we\u2019ll let you live.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood looking at the man for a moment.\u00a0 He was dizzy and not sure exactly what was happening, but he knew it was not good.\u00a0 \u201cGo to hell.\u201d\u00a0 Joe managed to say before he was punched in the stomach.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The punch doubled Joe over, and he was quickly hit again with an uppercut.\u00a0 This threw him back into the arms of the man behind him.\u00a0 Joe struggled and managed to land a punch on the man who had hit him.\u00a0 He was unable to move as quickly as he was used to given his leg, and ended up tripping over himself.\u00a0 Joe knew it was extremely dangerous for him to be on the ground with the two men standing above him.\u00a0 He tried to stand, but was pushed down by one of the two attackers.\u00a0 Joe continued to struggle and managed to kick the feet out from under one of the men by using his good leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Between the alcohol and the injury, Joe was not able to fend off his attackers for long.\u00a0 He had put up a good fight given his condition, but he was quickly overtaken.\u00a0 The man on the ground with Joe was able to pin him down, while the other went through his pockets removing all of the his money.\u00a0 \u201cNo, this can\u2019t be happening.\u201d Joe thought as a feeling of desperation set in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to struggle again, hoping somehow he could stop what was happening to him.\u00a0 His movements angered his attackers and they fought back.\u00a0 It was then that he felt a rain of blows upon him.\u00a0 He tried to fend them off as best as he could and was able to protect himself until one of the men kicked him in his already injured leg.\u00a0 Joe felt the pain move through him like a lightening bolt.\u00a0 He screamed out and was immediately kicked again in the same place.\u00a0 This stopped Joe from fighting back at all, but the men continued their assault.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Suddenly Joe heard a voice,\u00a0 \u201cHey, you there.\u00a0 What do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The rain of blows stopped, and the men who were attacking ran away.\u00a0 The next thing Joe knew there was a tall, thin man leaning over him.\u00a0 \u201cHey kid, you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could only manage to let out a groan.\u00a0 The pain was so intense, and he fought against blacking out.\u00a0 The man tried to help Joe up, but the movement caused more pain.\u00a0 Joe screamed and pleaded,\u00a0 \u201cNo! No, leave me here!\u00a0 Don\u2019t touch me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on kid.\u00a0 You can\u2019t just stay here.\u00a0 Let me get you inside.\u201d\u00a0 The man said, continuing to try and get Joe to his feet.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s head began to swim, and he fainted dead away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe woke to someone patting him in the face and talking softly.\u00a0 \u201cCome on kid, wake up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As he came around, Joe immediately felt the pain in his leg.\u00a0 \u201cOh, God!\u201d\u00a0 he yelled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The intensity of pain he felt made him feel nauseous, and he clenched his teeth against crying out again.\u00a0 He knew his leg had been damaged badly in the attack.\u00a0 The alcohol he had consumed earlier did nothing to touch the pain.\u00a0 He could not help himself from grabbing hold of the blankets on the bed and pulling against them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re hurting pretty bad, huh kid?\u00a0 Well, I sent Kenny for Mr. Li, and he\u2019ll be here soon to help you out.\u201d\u00a0 The man said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spoke through clenched teeth,\u00a0 \u201cWho are\u2026 you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cName\u2019s Shelby.\u00a0 I own this saloon and a couple a\u2019 others around town.\u00a0 You were beaten outside a\u2019 here.\u00a0 You passed out, and I brought you upstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At that moment Joe did not care where he was.\u00a0 All he could think of was his leg and how badly he was hurting.\u00a0 He did not think he could stand it much longer.\u00a0 \u201cGod, please let me pass out!\u201d\u00a0 Joe prayed silently.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKid, I think they robbed ya.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be tellin\u2019 the sheriff what they look like, so he can start lookin\u2019 for them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe only half heard what the man was saying.\u00a0 He could not concentrate on anything except his leg.\u00a0 Tears of pain were in his eyes, and he doubted he could hold back from screaming much longer.\u00a0 He closed his eyes tight and clinched his jaw harder.\u00a0 His hands were in fists, and he was holding his breath.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny should be back any minute now, and she\u2019ll be bringin\u2019 some help.\u00a0 You just hang on kid.\u00a0 I know your hurtin\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to want to call out for his father.\u00a0 He wanted his father to come and take care of him as he had so many times before.\u00a0 He was fighting crying out, and eventually he gave into it and moaned,\u00a0 \u201cOh, God, I\u2026 can\u2019t\u2026 stand\u2026 it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not see that the man who was tending to him smiled when he heard Joe\u2019s agony.\u00a0 If Joe would have seen it, he would have begun to realize he was currently in the clutches of a much greater predator than the men in the alley had been just a few minutes prior.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was not long after, that Kenny appeared with a small Asian man.\u00a0 Shelby spoke,\u00a0 \u201cHey kid, this here\u2019s Mr. Li.\u00a0 He\u2019s gonna take a look at your leg and see what he can do to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Li went to touch Joe\u2019s leg, and Joe screamed through his clinched teeth,\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 Don\u2019t\u2026 touch\u2026. me!\u00a0\u00a0 God, it\u2026 hurts!\u00a0 Don\u2019t touch\u2026 me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can not help you if you won\u2019t let me touch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t\u2026 touch\u2026 me!\u201d\u00a0 Joe continued to resist.\u00a0 He knew the slightest touch was going to send him into agony.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Li pulled out a bottle and uncorked it.\u00a0 \u201cHere.\u00a0 You drink.\u00a0 It make you okay to touch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2026 is\u2026 it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe struggled to ask.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMorphine.\u00a0 Take away pain.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard \u201ctake away pain\u201d and that was all he needed.\u00a0 He raised his head and willingly drank from the bottle Mr. Li gave him.\u00a0 After Mr. Li took away the pain killer, Joe laid his head back down and prayed the medicine would work quickly.\u00a0 The first effect of the medicine was nausea.\u00a0 Just as Joe felt he was going to be sick, he felt himself begin to distance from the pain.\u00a0 His mind slowly moved into a state of limbo where he was not asleep nor was he awake.\u00a0 His eyes moved around aimlessly and out of focus.\u00a0 He felt no more pain.\u00a0 He felt nothing.\u00a0 His mind was blank.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe laid on the bed in and out of awareness of the things around him, but his mind was at last at peace.\u00a0 Kenny helped the Asian man undress Joe and look at his leg.\u00a0 They saw evidence of where Joe\u2019s leg had been stitched up and could see that there was fresh bruising developing all over Joe\u2019s thigh.\u00a0 Mr. Li attempted to determine if there was any further damage, but Joe\u2019s sedated state offered the man little feedback from the patient as to the extent of the damage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After examining Joe, the three moved over to a corner of the room and talked softy.\u00a0 Joe only heard distant muttering.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe okay?\u201d\u00a0 Shelby asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u201dNo can tell.\u201d\u00a0 Mr. Li responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook Li, I pay you good money to help me out in these, um situations.\u00a0 The kid gonna be okay or not?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThink so.\u00a0 He gonna hurt real bad.\u00a0 I not doctor, so I not know too good.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well you\u2019re the one who gets paid to keep his mouth shut and patch people up.\u00a0 Surely you can figure out if his leg\u2019s broken?\u201d\u00a0 Shelby started to become more animated and angry.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny jumped in to defend Mr. Li.\u00a0 \u201cShelby, calm down.\u00a0 You know the kid looked like he had a problem with that leg before you had your guys work him over.\u00a0 Anyway, I thought the kid wasn\u2019t supposed to get hurt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI told those two fools to go easy and just get the money away from him, but the kid started fighting back, and they got a little excited.\u201d\u00a0 During the attack, Shelby had stood back and had watched the men rob and beat Joe.\u00a0 It had been part of his plan from the beginning.\u00a0 Shelby had chosen Joe as soon as he had walked into the saloon.\u00a0 Shelby had a plan and had begun to put it into motion.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, what did you find out about this kid?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t too talkative.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell you know what you need to do then.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, he\u2019s not interested, believe me.\u00a0 I tried.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby grabbed Kenny by the arm and twisted.\u00a0 \u201cListen, I\u2019m not askin\u2019. I\u2019m tellin\u2019.\u00a0 You do what you have to do, but I want to know about this kid.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, why\u2019re you so interested in this kid?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I know what I\u2019m doin\u2019.\u00a0 Why are you so concerned about him?\u00a0 We\u2019ve done this hundreds of times.\u00a0 You\u2019ve never gone squeamish on me before.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, you\u2019ve never chosen someone this young.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s my brilliance, my dear.\u00a0 People are gonna trust this kid cause of how young he is and that innocent face.\u00a0 I watched him play cards and he\u2019s pretty good.\u00a0 The rich idiot we fleeced during that game never suspected the kid was getting fed cards, and better yet, the kid didn\u2019t realize he was being fed cards either.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have the kid win, and then I\u2019ll have the kid givin\u2019 me the money.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good Shelby, but how ya know the kid is gonna go along with all this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI got that covered as well.\u00a0 You just do what I tell you, and we\u2019ll make money.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said, taking Kenny in his arms and lowering his voice.\u00a0 \u201cDarlin\u2019 you know I need your help.\u00a0 You\u2019re my partner in all of this.\u00a0 I\u2019m doin\u2019 this for us, you know?\u201d he spoke sweetly and then kissed her deeply.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After they broke their embrace, Kenny asked,\u00a0 \u201cShelby, what do you want me to do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTalk to him. Seduce him.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby\u2019s words upset Kenny.\u00a0 She wondered how much Shelby really loved her.\u00a0 She was getting tired of the con game they were playing, because she was the one who always had to lure the men into the web.\u00a0 In the past, she had been battered and beaten by their victims, and she had experienced more than her share of revulsion at having to seduce them.\u00a0 She loved the lifestyle that the money brought, but she paid a high price for it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny looked over to the bed at Joe.\u00a0 When she had seen him in the saloon she had thought Joe could be very handsome, but he looked skinny, tired and disheveled.\u00a0 She had noticed the dark circles under his eyes and he looked very pale.\u00a0 It was quite obvious something was troubling the young man, and she wanted to know his story.\u00a0 If he was wanted by the law, then she would have no problem taking advantage of him.\u00a0 However, if there was some other reason for the kid\u2019s problems, then she was more unsure their plan was the right thing to do.\u00a0 Most of the marks they chose for their con were men that Kenny felt deserved what they got.\u00a0 She was unsure if the kid was one who deserved it.\u00a0 She wanted to know more about him.\u00a0 \u201cShelby, this kid looks awfully young.\u00a0 Maybe this wasn\u2019t such a good idea.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you doubting me?\u201d\u00a0 Shelby raised his eyebrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny knew from experience not to push Shelby further, and she quickly backed down.\u00a0 \u201cNo Shelby, I\u2019m not.\u00a0 I just want us to be very careful, so we don\u2019t end up ruining the good thing we got going.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle darlin\u2019, you do as your told, and we\u2019ll be just fine.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby instructed.\u00a0 He then turned again to Mr. Li. \u201cAll right Li, you\u2019re obviously worthless to me right now.\u00a0 I want you to leave me that bottle of morphine and be available when I need you again.\u00a0 You know to keep your mouth shut and stay available.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby knew he would be obeyed by Mr. Li, because Mr. Li had incurred large gambling debts and owed Shelby a significant amount of money.\u00a0 Shelby had already visited Mr. Li\u2019s home once and had threatened his family.\u00a0 Mr. Li was a prisoner of Shelby\u2019s will, and Mr. Li\u2019s situation was one that Shelby had many others in which made it easy to control them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There were many prominent Sacramento citizens who were indebted to Shelby and his will.\u00a0 This allowed Shelby to do just about anything he pleased, and if caught in illegal activity, Shelby was certain that the local law enforcement would be easily dissuaded from pursuing him.\u00a0 That was not to say that Shelby would protect those who worked for him as well.\u00a0 He had, and would continue to give up employees to law enforcement if he needed a scapegoat.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe remained floating in a medicated sea, oblivious to the plans Shelby held for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Ponderosa remained in waiting for the youngest Cartwright to return.\u00a0 Ben had visited Joe\u2019s room numerous times searching in vain for a clue to his current where abouts.\u00a0 He had not allowed Hop Sing to pick up the room or make the bed.\u00a0 There was something about leaving Joe\u2019s room as his son had left it.\u00a0 It helped Ben feel as if Joe was simply out working on he ranch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was in Joe\u2019s room when Adam walked by and stuck his head in.\u00a0 \u201cPa, everything all right?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his eldest child, and Adam saw his father\u2019s pain.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, I am so worried.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help feeling as if Joe\u2019s gonna get hurt or get into some kind of trouble that he can\u2019t get out of.\u00a0 You know how bad off he was that day\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Ben said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could not get out of his mind the picture of how Joe had been when his son had been tearing his room apart looking for the wedding ring.\u00a0 Ben had terrible images of his son coming apart as he had done that day, and Joe being alone in his madness.\u00a0 Ben knew that Joe needed someone to help him with all of the feelings he was trying to understand within himself.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s biggest concern regarding Joe being off by himself, other than Joe\u2019s safety, was Joe\u2019s inability to understand himself at times.\u00a0 He had seem his son become lost in his own problems and be unable to solve them until he turned to a member of his family for help.\u00a0 It always seemed that it took a while for Joe to turn to his family, but when he did, he was much better able to cope with them.\u00a0 Ben wondered if Joe had anyone he could turn to and talk with where ever Joe was at that time.\u00a0 His fears were that Joe was alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you mean.\u00a0 Hoss and I were talking last night and we both just want to go out searching for him.\u00a0 The frustration is he could be anywhere.\u00a0 Pa, what are you thinking of doing?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked after seeing his father lost in thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I knew.\u00a0 You\u2019re right that he could be anywhere.\u00a0 I feel so helpless, Adam.\u00a0 I am so afraid I\u2019m never going to see him again.\u201d\u00a0 Ben had admitted out loud his greatest fear.\u00a0 He was so afraid Joe was gone forever.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Pa.\u00a0 I have the same fear.\u00a0 Listen Pa, I think Hoss is having a real hard time with this.\u00a0 He hasn\u2019t said it, but I know he is afraid something bad is gonna happen to Joe.\u00a0 Hoss keeps looking out towards the mountains like he expects Joe to come riding up any time.\u00a0 I know Hoss didn\u2019t see Joe as bad off as you or I did, but I think he knows there was something bad wrong with Joe before he left.\u00a0 I know those two are so closely connected that he\u2019s really hurting bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll speak with him, Adam.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure if it will help, but I\u2019ll speak with him.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said in a dejected tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam heard a despair in his father that unnerved him.\u00a0 He had never heard his father doubt his ability to help his children.\u00a0 Ben had taught his three boys that family meant everything, and there was nothing that family could not overcome.\u00a0 Adam wondered if his father had come to doubt this.\u00a0 \u201cPa, what\u2019s going on?\u00a0 Why did you say that you were not sure about being able to help Hoss?\u00a0 You know you\u2019re talking to him always make him feel better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I couldn\u2019t help Joe.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said the tears in his eyes. \u201c I couldn\u2019t make him see that he was not at fault.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help him with the pain.\u00a0 I have been right where he is and I couldn\u2019t reach him.\u00a0 Adam, I failed him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you didn\u2019t fail Joe.\u00a0 You kept trying to talk to him.\u00a0 It\u2019s just Joe wasn\u2019t able to talk about it.\u00a0 I saw you try to get through to him.\u00a0 He knows how much you love him.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eaten up with grief, Pa and he couldn\u2019t hear you.\u00a0 It\u2019s been no one\u2019s fault.\u00a0 You can\u2019t blame yourself for this, just like Joe can\u2019t blame himself for Rebecca\u2019s death.\u00a0 It has all been such a terrible accident.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just want him home, son.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help him if he\u2019s not here.\u00a0 He needs us and you know we need him.\u00a0 I wish he knew how much we need him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam tried to remain optimistic for his father, although he knew the state Joe had been in when he had left.\u00a0 \u201cPa, when he gets back we\u2019ll make sure he knows just how much we need him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder to thank him for his words.\u00a0 \u201cWell I want to go find Hoss and talk to him.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, walking away after gently squeezing Adam\u2019s shoulder.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think that is a good idea.\u201d\u00a0 Adam responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went outside and looked around the yard.\u00a0 He found his middle child standing at the side of the house absent-mindedly whittling on some wood.\u00a0 \u201cHey Hoss, how\u2019re you doing?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, looking in the eyes of his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss had been thinking of his little brother and worrying about his safety.\u00a0 Hoss had always been very protective of Joe and was so worried about Joe being off somewhere without his big brother\u2019s protection.\u00a0 \u201cTell you the truth, Pa, not very well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou missing Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s more than missin\u2019 him, Pa.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s been gone before on round ups and such, and he\u2019s even run away before.\u00a0 But, I\u2019m \u2018fraid of how he may be fairin\u2019 out there this time.\u00a0 Pa, Joe isn\u2019t in his right mind is he?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, I don\u2019t really know.\u00a0 I don\u2019 know what happened to Joe, and I don\u2019t know if it will happen again.\u00a0 You have to know Hoss that Joe loves you very much and he knows how much you love him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, I need to protect him.\u00a0 Especially right now.\u00a0 When Joe was little and he\u2019d get picked on at school, Pa I took care of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget the time he had some kid pickin\u2019 on him \u2018cause he had no mama.\u00a0 Joe just cried and cried cause of that Pa, and I took care of him.\u00a0 Pa, he was out of his head the day before he left, and I know he can\u2019t make it out there like that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss we have got to believe we are gonna get Joe back.\u00a0 And when we do we\u2019re gonna help him get better.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to convince Hoss of something he was not sure he believed himself.\u00a0 He prayed that his middle child could believe easier than he did himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut we have no idea where he is.\u00a0 He can\u2019t do it by himself, Pa.\u00a0 I know it, and you know it.\u00a0 Pa, Joe needs us and we aren\u2019t there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben heard how bad Hoss was hurting.\u00a0 \u201cWe can only pray for him right now.\u00a0 We just have no idea where to find him, Hoss.\u00a0 I have Roy sending out telegrams to everywhere I can think Joe would go.\u00a0 We can\u2019t just ride all over the country looking for him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, would you mind if I packed a bed roll and rode to a few towns and asked about Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at Hoss for a few seconds.\u00a0 Hoss needed to be doing something to help to feel better.\u00a0 Ben thought and then spoke, \u201cOkay, but on one condition.\u00a0 You only go a few days ride out and then come back.\u00a0 You telegraph me with your where abouts as you go and you come back regardless of what you find by Friday.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was skeptical that Hoss could actually find anything, but he knew Hoss needed to go look.\u00a0 His middle child needed to feel he was doing everything he could for his little brother.\u00a0 Ben also found himself feeling just a twinge of hope that maybe Hoss would come across Joe.\u00a0 The two were so intune with each other that it was worth a try.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get ready and head on out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, please be careful.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said putting his arm on Hoss\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, Pa.\u00a0 And if he\u2019s out there, I\u2019ll find him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew he\u2019d worry.\u00a0 He worried every time one of his boys was away from the ranch.\u00a0 He prayed Hoss would be safe and find Joseph.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

The morphine allowed Joe to escape the pain, and he eventually fell off to sleep.\u00a0 His body ached for sleep and he welcomed the dreamless state the morphine provided.\u00a0 The sleep he received under the medication was the most he had been blessed with in weeks, and he remained there for long hours until his body reluctantly woke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Upon waking, he looked around the room.\u00a0 He did not know where he was, but he could tell that it was probably a woman\u2019s room.\u00a0 There were frilly curtains on the windows, perfume bottles on the dresser and several dresses hanging over a chair.\u00a0 He sat up and felt the heaviness in his head.\u00a0 Moving caused the pain to return to his leg full force, and he winced.\u00a0 He sat waiting for the pain to dissipate.\u00a0 \u201cWhere am I?\u201d\u00a0 he questioned himself.\u00a0 He remembered very little of the attack or the help he was given following it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He continued to look around as he sat up in the bed.\u00a0 He recalled having stopped in Sacramento and going into the saloon.\u00a0 He quickly realized that he had been robbed.\u00a0 \u201cGreat.\u00a0 Now what\u2019re you gonna do?\u201d\u00a0 he asked himself.\u00a0 He began to feel hopeless.\u00a0 He did not feel he could go back home because of what had happened to him in his head while there, and because of the memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As he thought of the reason he had left, he again reflected on the accident and his banishment to hell.\u00a0 He felt as if that was his destiny and the latest event of the robbery only confirmed this for him.\u00a0 He thought of Rebecca and how perfect it had all been.\u00a0 Was that all he was ever going to experience of Heaven?\u00a0 Was he only allowed a glimpse, so that he would know what he was missing, but he was not to be given the whole experience?\u00a0 Was God that cruel?\u00a0 He felt himself going back to the bad place in his mind that he had left the Ponderosa to avoid.\u00a0 He wondered briefly if there was any escape from the hurt.\u00a0 He told himself he would make a deal with the devil if it would let him escape his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What Joe had yet to realize was that his \u201cdeal with the devil\u201d was already well on its way to being solidified.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was sitting in bed thinking of Rebecca when the door opened and Kenny peered around the door frame.\u00a0 \u201cOh, hey, you\u2019re awake.\u201d\u00a0 She said brightly and stepping into the room.\u00a0 \u201cHow ya doin\u2019?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey\u2026 I\u2019m okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe gave his pat answer in his flat tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou were banged up on your leg pretty bad.\u00a0 Does it hurt?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked down at his leg and then back up to Kenny,\u00a0 \u201cUh\u2026 I\u2019ll live.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny moved over and sat on the side of the bed.\u00a0 \u201cI helped you last night and it looked like you had hurt your leg before those men beat you.\u00a0 What\u2019d you do to yourself?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe continued to look at Kenny as he contemplated what he would say.\u00a0 He was not about to tell her about Rebecca, the accident or anything else.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, Joe think of a good one.\u201d\u00a0 He said to himself.\u00a0 \u201cWell I was busting some horses on a ranch and came off of one wrong.\u00a0 Broke my leg.\u201d\u00a0 He told her feeling relieved he was able to come up with a viable scenario quickly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell from the looks of it, you broke it pretty good.\u00a0 When did it happen?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Bout six or seven weeks ago.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, but thought to himself\u00a0 \u201cIs that all it\u2019s been?\u00a0 Feels like it has been my whole life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, so you actually rode a horse here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou must have wanted to get away from where you were pretty bad then.\u00a0 That had to have been really painful.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny probed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was becoming more uncomfortable with Kenny\u2019s questions.\u00a0 He had recalled her asking a lot of questions the day before in the saloon.\u00a0 For a moment he felt a pang of longing for Rebecca.\u00a0 She had always asked him a lot of questions.\u00a0 Questions he never got tired of hearing and questions he never got tired of answering.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny saw Joe was miles away in his head.\u00a0 \u201cHey, I asked you a question.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHuh? \u00a0Oh, uh, no I wasn\u2019t leaving for any particular reason, just moving on.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, and then realized he needed to change the subject.\u00a0 He used a tactic he had mastered with his family.\u00a0 He\u2019d put the focus back on her.\u00a0 \u201cSo, what kind of name is Kenny for a girl?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny noticed the change in subject, but decided to go along.\u00a0 \u201cActually my name is Kendall.\u00a0 I go by Kenny in the saloon.\u00a0 It\u2019s easier.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo Kendall, what\u2019s a nice girl like you doin\u2019 in a place like this?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, deliberately using the pat line he knew men were always asking saloon girls.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She chuckled and said,\u00a0 \u201cJust makin\u2019 a living.\u00a0 I was on my way to San Francisco from St. Louis got this far and stopped.\u00a0 Ran out of money, met Shelby and the rest is just boring details.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby?\u00a0 What\u2019s his story?\u201d\u00a0 Joe inquired, but not real interested in the answer.\u00a0 His leg was becoming more painful as the morphine left his system.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby owns a lot of the joints here in Sacramento.\u00a0 I guess he\u2019s from money back east somewhere.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been workin\u2019 for him for a couple of years now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was finding it harder to focus on Kendall\u2019s words as he felt more and more of the pain.\u00a0 She noticed he was looking uncomfortable.\u00a0 \u201cHey, you hurtin\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 she asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm listen, I\u2019ll be gettin\u2019 out of here and givin\u2019 you your room back.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, although he had no idea how he could actually walk or where he would go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you crazy?\u00a0 You can\u2019t go anywhere.\u00a0 You can\u2019t walk.\u00a0 That leg of yours is messed up real bad.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna be lucky if you don\u2019t have some long lasting problems with it.\u00a0 No you\u2019re staying right here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo I can\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 Joe resisted.\u00a0 He wanted to go off by himself and be alone.\u00a0 He certainly did not want to be indebted to this woman.\u00a0 She was nice he thought, but he did not want to have to cope with another person.\u00a0 That was a reason he had left the Ponderosa.\u00a0 People were wanting him to talk to them, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.\u00a0 He thought he would leave the woman\u2019s room and go somewhere and camp out.\u00a0 Joe was going to attempt to get out of bed when he realized he had no idea where his clothes were.\u00a0 \u201cIf you\u2019ll just get me my clothes, I\u2019ll be goin\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do that.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, with a playful look in her eye.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean you can\u2019t do that.\u00a0 Get me my clothes and let me get out of here.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was beginning to get angry.\u00a0 He was feeling trapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u00a0 I can\u2019t \u2018cause they aren\u2019t here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean they aren\u2019t here?\u00a0 Listen\u00a0 I want to get out of here, and I don\u2019t want to play games.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCalm down.\u00a0 I sent them out to be cleaned and sewed up.\u00a0 They looked like you\u2019d been in them a while.\u201d\u00a0 Actually Kenny had sent them out to be cleaned after she had gone through all of the pockets looking for valuables or clues regarding Joe\u2019s background.\u00a0 She found neither.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t ask you to do that.\u201d\u00a0 Joe snapped.\u00a0 He was hurting badly and hating the feeling of being trapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re welcome.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, responding to Joe\u2019s attitude with her own.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt a twinge of guilt for speaking to the woman the way he had, but he was angry.\u00a0 He wanted out of there.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for doing that, but I really gotta get goin\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t walk or haven\u2019t you figured that one out yet?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes I can.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, feeling more defiant than really believing he was going to be able to put pressure on his leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yeah and I\u2019m gonna grow wings and fly in a minute.\u00a0 Look you can\u2019t walk.\u00a0 Just lay there and get better, would ya.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was determined to leave regardless of how much sense it made.\u00a0 He gathered the blankets around him and swung his legs over the bed.\u00a0 He took a deep breath and stood.\u00a0 The pain was intense and he crumpled to the floor.\u00a0 Kenny had stood back and watched him shaking her head.\u00a0 \u201cNow THAT was about the stupidest thing I\u2019ve ever seen.\u201d\u00a0 She said as she looked at Joe writhing on the floor.\u00a0 \u201cBesides where you think you\u2019re goin\u2019 wrapped in a blanket?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could not believe how bad he hurt and this woman was being smart with him.\u00a0 \u201cOh\u2026 boy\u2026 that hurt!\u201d\u00a0 He said in obvious pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI bet it did.\u00a0 You gonna listen to me now or you wanna see how much you can stand of the pain?\u00a0 Maybe you want to walk down to the laundry and get your clothes?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said sarcastically.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust\u2026 help\u2026 me\u2026up.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s words came in gasps.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, but I hope you learned your lesson.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, moving over and helping Joe back into bed.\u00a0 After Joe was settled, Kenny produced the bottle of morphine.\u00a0 \u201cHere take some of this.\u00a0 I bet you could use it right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not ask what Kenny was giving him.\u00a0 He simply opened his mouth and drank it.\u00a0 She sat on the bed watching him as he sat with his eyes closed waiting for the medicine to work.\u00a0 They sat together not talking for many minutes.\u00a0 Finally the nausea induced by the medicine hit him again, but then it was quickly followed by the warmth and relief.\u00a0 Kenny observed the medicine overtake Joe.\u00a0 She saw his muscles relax and his jaw stopped clinching.\u00a0 Joe opened his eyes and looked at her.\u00a0 His eyes were glassy and his pupils were dilated.\u00a0 Kenny spoke,\u00a0 \u201cFeeling better?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe managed to say.\u00a0 He felt as if he were floating without a care in the world.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s some strong stuff.\u201d\u00a0 He slurred.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it sure is.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny decided to ask Joe a few questions and see if he were more responsive to them while in his current state.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, how old are you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow old am I?\u201d\u00a0 Joe spoke with a voice that showed it was obvious that he was intoxicated.\u00a0 \u201cUm\u2026 I\u2019m seventeen.\u201d\u00a0 As Joe spoke his words all ran together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny felt guilty when she heard Joe\u2019s age.\u00a0 She was beginning to feel as if this kid was not going to deserve what Shelby had planned for him.\u00a0 \u201cJoe why are you in Sacramento?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was vaguely aware of Kenny\u2019s questioning him.\u00a0 It did not seem quite as important to him, but he knew there was some reason he did not want to talk.\u00a0 \u201cWhy you wanna know so much \u2018bout me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust making conversation, s\u2019all.\u00a0 You sure are secretive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell seems t\u2019me that\u2019s not any of your business s\u2019all.\u00a0 S\u2019my business.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was having greater difficulty talking and his eyes were getting very heavy.\u00a0 \u201cYou just don\u2019t worry \u2018bout me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell I\u2019m just trying to get to know you.\u00a0 You really don\u2019t have to be so rude.\u00a0 I\u2019m not trying to do anything other than talk.\u201d\u00a0 By the time Kenny had finished her sentence Joe was asleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny shook her head at Joe and pulled the blankets up.\u00a0 She sat looking at him for a minute wondering if she was doing the right thing by helping Shelby.\u00a0 She knew too little about the kid to feel totally comfortable with her decision to go along with Shelby\u2019s plan.\u00a0 Although if she were totally honest with herself, she would have to admit that when it came to Shelby, she had little choice in the matter.\u00a0 He had decided the kid would be used, so the kid would be used.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe woke to a quiet, dark room.\u00a0 He had again slept peacefully.\u00a0 Much more peaceful than he had remembered having done since the accident.\u00a0 He had felt a deep sense of relief at not having the nightmares return.\u00a0 He wished he could have had the pleasant dreams he had experienced before the nightmares had started, but he was not willing to risk the bad dreams, so he usually fought sleep until it overtook him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was determined not to stay in bed.\u00a0 He had been bedridden for too long while at home and was not about to be bedridden and vulnerable with strangers.\u00a0 He was instantly frustrated because he wanted to be able to see around the room, but there was no lamp lit.\u00a0 He laid there trapped, knowing he could go nowhere until someone came up to the room to rescue him.\u00a0 That made him angry.\u00a0 His leg was a dull throb, but he knew it would be foolish to try and walk.\u00a0 He had done that too many times before, only to pay a big price in suffering.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe remained laying in the dark for much longer than he believed he could stand, all the while becoming more and more frustrated.\u00a0 He hated being trapped, and he hated being injured.\u00a0 Just as he let out a big sigh, he heard a man\u2019s voice.\u00a0 \u201cYou awake?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered, unsure of who the voice belonged to, but hoping it was someone who could help him get out of the room where he found himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, you remember me from last night?\u201d\u00a0 Shelby asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, vaguely.\u00a0 Can\u2019t remember your name though.\u00a0 Sorry.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said sheepishly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cName\u2019s Shelby.\u00a0 I\u2019m not surprised you don\u2019t remember.\u00a0 You were hurtin\u2019 pretty bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cListen, thanks for what you did for me.\u00a0 I really appreciate it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make sure you get repaid for anything you may be out for helping me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry about it, kid.\u00a0 Hey, Kenny told me you want to get up and around.\u00a0 Don\u2019t blame you.\u00a0 I got some clothes you can use, and I got you some crutches.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe breathed a big sigh of relief.\u00a0 He was going to be able to get out of the bed and out of the room where he felt trapped.\u00a0 Shelby had laid some clothes on the foot of the bed and Joe was anxious to get dressed.\u00a0 Shelby sensed Joe\u2019s anxiousness and asked,\u00a0 \u201cYou need any help?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNaugh,\u00a0 I can do it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, not really believing it himself.\u00a0 He knew his leg would not tolerate any weight on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell here.\u00a0 Let me leave you with some of this pain killer, so if you need to move around you can.\u00a0 Just take some so you can do what you need to do.\u00a0 I know this laying around can get tedious at times.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure can.\u201d\u00a0 Joe agreed.\u00a0 He started to move and felt the pain hit him hard.\u00a0 He flinched and Shelby saw it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere, take some of this and then meet me downstairs.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby instructed, handing Joe the bottle of morphine and then walked out of the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe uncorked the bottle of morphine and took a long draw.\u00a0 He had grown used to using liquor and other medicine to help him cope with the pain he felt, be it physical or emotional.\u00a0 He felt he was weak for using them to help him cope, but he also felt there was no other way.\u00a0 He could not allow his head to go where it wanted to go.\u00a0 He knew if he allowed that to happen, he would go insane.\u00a0 He needed to use what he could to escape.\u00a0 He had loved Rebecca so much, and he could not let her go any other way.\u00a0 He had resolved himself to this.\u00a0 He could not let her go.\u00a0 He loved her far too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe remembered Rebecca, he also felt the memories fade with the drug.\u00a0 He felt the morphine relieve the pain, and he became numb to his mind.\u00a0 She was distant from him; she was gone at that moment.\u00a0 He found himself torn, he had to get her out of his head, but he never wanted her gone.\u00a0 He was at a loss to handle this dilemma.\u00a0 How could he hold on to her and let her go?\u00a0 He had no idea.\u00a0 \u201cOh Bec,\u00a0 I miss you so.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said aloud to the Heavens.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He sat until the medicine worked, and he felt nothing.\u00a0 He then slowly got himself dressed and headed downstairs into the saloon.\u00a0 Once in the saloon he made his way to a table and sat down.\u00a0 Joe felt better getting out of the room and being in the bustling atmosphere.\u00a0 He noted there were several card games in progress and several casino games he was unfamiliar with.\u00a0 Virginia City\u2019s saloons tended to cater to the poker player, although Joe had seen that The Brass Rail Saloon in Virginia City had added a couple of games gamblers were playing back east and in San Francisco.\u00a0 Joe thought he would try his hand at some of the others games when he felt a little better.\u00a0 As he thought of this, he remembered he had no money.\u00a0 The robbery the night before had cleaned him out.\u00a0 Although his senses were dulled from the morphine, he still felt the wave of panic come over him.\u00a0 \u201cOh, no.\u201d\u00a0 he thought.\u00a0 \u201cHow am I gonna make some money?\u00a0 Everything I know how to do involves being able to move around, but I can\u2019t with my leg like this.\u00a0 I can\u2019t work as a hand in the condition I\u2019m in.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe realized he was in trouble.\u00a0 He had nothing on him he could sell to make a few dollars.\u00a0 He had left everything of value back at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 As he sat trying to figure out how he was going to take care of himself,\u00a0 Kendall walked over and sat down with him.\u00a0 \u201cSo you\u2019re up and about.\u00a0 Oh, I do think though, the blanket would have suited you better than those clothes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was not in any mood to joke with Kendall.\u00a0 He gave her a look that said he found no humor in her comment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know you really need to lighten up some.\u00a0 You\u2019re awfully serious for someone so young.\u201d\u00a0 Kendall said in response to Joe\u2019s look.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot that it\u2019s any of your business, but I\u2019ve got a few things on my mind that I need to deal with, so if you will be so kind as to go away and leave me alone, I\u2019d appreciate it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe voice held the familiar flatness that conveyed a message of apathy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell maybe I can help?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell maybe I don\u2019t want your help.\u201d\u00a0 Joe snapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGeez!\u00a0 All I want to do is help you.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to be such a bastard about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s words caught Joe\u2019s attention.\u00a0 He was not used to hearing a woman speak as she had, and he found it gutsy.\u00a0 \u201cSo how can you help?\u2019\u00a0 he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I was relieved of my money last night, I have none.\u00a0 The only way I know how to make money is to work as a cowhand or work horses, and as you have been so kind to point out upstairs, I am unable to do much at the moment.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, well that is a problem isn\u2019t it.\u00a0 You got any family that you can write to and maybe get some money sent to you?\u201d\u00a0 Kendall suggested.\u00a0 She thought it clever of herself to come up with this suggestion.\u00a0 Perhaps now she could find out more about him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At the mention of family Joe immediately thought of his father and brothers.\u00a0 He had tried to keep them out of his mind as much as possible, but it was difficult.\u00a0 He knew he had hurt them badly by leaving, and he wondered if he would ever feel sane enough to return to them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Again Kendall saw Joe go off somewhere in his mind.\u00a0 She knew there was something the kid was not telling her and it intrigued her all the more.\u00a0 \u201cSurely, you\u2019re folks miss you, don\u2019t they?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at her and resisted the urge to tell her all about his family.\u00a0 He had always taken great pride in being a Cartwright and in telling people about his family.\u00a0 But now he wanted distance from them, but more so, he wanted distance from himself.\u00a0 He did not want to be Joe Cartwright anymore, and to not be Joe Cartwright meant that he could not have his family either.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe decided upon his response.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t have a family.\u00a0 They got\u2026 killed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny immediately felt bad for the kid.\u00a0 She was surprised at his response and wanted to let the kid know she felt for him.\u00a0 \u201cGeez, Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 How\u2019d they die?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWagon accident.\u201d\u00a0 Was all Joe said.\u00a0 The buckboard accident had killed so much in him that he felt he might as well blame it for the separation from his family as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s terrible.\u00a0 When did it happen?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not want to talk about the subject any further.\u00a0 \u201cUm, this isn\u2019t solving my problem, Kenny.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Again Kendall felt Joe change the subject.\u00a0 \u201cOh, well, let\u2019s see.\u00a0 You got a horse?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had forgotten about the horse he had ridden into town until that moment.\u00a0 The thought of selling the horse was not very appealing to Joe, because it meant he would be even more trapped in Sacramento.\u00a0 But then he thought of the feed bill and knew he could not pay for the upkeep of the animal.\u00a0 \u201cI really don\u2019t want to do that, but I guess it\u2019s an idea.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk to Shelby about this before you do that.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said and then immediately signaled for Shelby to come to their table.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby walked over and took a seat.\u00a0 \u201cHey kid, Kenny, what you need.\u00a0 Oh, wait, before we get to talking, kid what \u2018cha drinkin\u2019?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, thanks, but I\u2019d better not.\u201d\u00a0 Although he had taken a lighter dose of the morphine, Joe was feeling it\u2019s effects.\u00a0 He did not think a drink would be such a good idea.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNonsense, kid.\u00a0 I don\u2019t trust someone who doesn\u2019t drink with me.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said and ordered whiskey and three glasses from the bartender.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNow what\u2019re you two talking about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny spoke,\u00a0 \u201cJoe here needs some money.\u00a0 Those guys who robbed him last night got all of what he had.\u00a0 He can\u2019t work at his usual job as a ranch hand \u2018cause of his leg, so he\u2019s worried about makin\u2019 do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, hey kid, I can help you out.\u00a0 I feel kinda responsible for what happened to you anyway.\u00a0 After all you were robbed right outside my establishment.\u00a0 Makes my place look bad to have something like that happen.\u00a0 Let me think what I can come up with here\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Shelby deliberately acted as if he was just coming up with the offer he was going to make to Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While Shelby made himself look engrossed in thought, the whiskey bottle arrived on the table and Shelby pour generous amounts into the three glasses.\u00a0 \u201cHere kid.\u00a0 Drink up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe took the whiskey and held the glass without drinking it.\u00a0 He was not sure he wanted anything to drink at that moment.\u00a0 He knew if he was going to get drunk, he had no place to go and sleep it off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby noted Joe\u2019s hesitancy and gestured for Joe to drink.\u00a0 Joe gave in and drank the warm liquid.\u00a0 Shelby smiled and said,\u00a0 \u201cAh ha!\u00a0 I\u2019ve got it.\u00a0 Kid, I watched you last night, and you play a pretty good hand of poker.\u00a0 How \u2018bout I stake you, and you give me a cut of your winnings.\u00a0 If you play in my places, then it helps me, \u2018cause it makes the place look busy.\u00a0 What do you say?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026\u00a0 you mean play poker like, for a job?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, confused that this man wanted to stake him to play cards.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 You sit here and play poker.\u00a0 That way you keep games goin\u2019 in my place.\u00a0 The guys\u2019ll drink, so I\u2019ll make some money off of them that way, and then you just give me a cut of what you win.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I lose?\u201d\u00a0 Joe could not believe that Shelby was serious.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI am willing to take the chance.\u00a0 You lose you\u2019re out nothing, I promise, and if you win, well, we both make money.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo let me get his straight.\u00a0 You will give me money to play poker.\u00a0 If I lose I owe you nothing, if I win I give you a cut?\u00a0 Sounds pretty easy.\u00a0 Everything\u2019s all legal isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby quickly responded,\u00a0 \u201cOh, yeah.\u00a0 You know what they do to card sharps.\u00a0 That\u2019s a way to get yourself shot, damn quick.\u00a0 Either that or a trip to jail.\u00a0 No, I run an honest place, and I wouldn\u2019t do that to you.\u00a0 Look you can quit anytime you want to.\u00a0 You can make your money back that was stolen and then, when your leg is better, you can ride on outta here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought about the offer.\u00a0 He really had little choice in the matter.\u00a0 He was stranded in a strange place and needed money to leave.\u00a0 He was not about to wire his father, and he did not like the idea of selling the horse.\u00a0 He had no other choice.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, you got a deal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood, good.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said.\u00a0 \u201cHey and you\u2019ll need a place to stay.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got a spare room upstairs you can use.\u00a0 That is if you don\u2019t want to stay with Kenny here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew what Shelby was implying and felt himself blush slightly.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I think I\u2019ll take you up on the spare room.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSuit yourself.\u00a0 Well you just take it easy here, and Kenny\u2019ll make sure you have what you need.\u00a0 Won\u2019t \u2018cha Kenny?\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said as he stood and walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure will, Shelby.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said to Shelby\u2019s back as he walked away.\u00a0 She then turned to Joe,\u00a0 \u201cSee it all worked out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it did.\u00a0 Thank you, Kenny.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said and tried to smile.\u00a0 He had very little reaction to his new job and felt nothing.\u00a0 He did though, find it somewhat ironic that he was going to be doing the job his father always seemed to refer to when Joe needed a haircut- being a riverboat gambler.\u00a0 Although he was not on a river, the rest of the scenario was fitting to his father\u2019s fears.\u00a0 Joe ran his hands through his hair as he thought of his father\u2019s expression and realized his hair was probably longer than it had ever been.\u00a0 \u201cFitting,\u201d\u00a0 he thought to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s thank you made her feel guilty.\u00a0 She hoped that Shelby\u2019s plan could work without the kid getting into serious trouble or getting killed.\u00a0 She also hoped Shelby was not willing to take the plan as far as he had other times with other unsuspecting victims.\u00a0 She would look out for the kid, she told herself in an effort to appease her guilt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss rode in and out of every small town he came across.\u00a0 He faithfully wired his father with his location, and time after time he had to add to the wire that there was no sign of Joe.\u00a0 As the day approached that he would need to turn back if he was going to make it back to the Ponderosa on time, Hoss made a decision.\u00a0 He could not go back home yet.\u00a0 There were more places he wanted to check, and the image of his little brother lost, alone, and needing his older brother to protect him remained etched in his mind.\u00a0 He realized he had to wire his father with his decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

PA (STOP)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I CANNOT RETURN TO RANCH YET (STOP).\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I AM STILL LOOKING FOR JOE (STOP) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I WILL KEEP SENDING YOU MY WHERE ABOUTS (STOP)\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND (STOP)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

HOSS (STOP)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was in town when the telegram came into the telegraph office.\u00a0 He had stopped by to get the mail and was handed the message from Hoss.\u00a0 He read it and thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cFor Hoss to go against Pa is really something.\u00a0 I\u2019m not surprised though.\u00a0 I wish I was out there with him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam placed the telegram in his pocket and walked down the street.\u00a0 He turned and went into the Bucket of Blood Saloon.\u00a0 Adam was not a regular of that particular saloon, but Joe was, and Adam had been in there to retrieve his brother many times.\u00a0 He found himself wishing Joe was involved in some card game in the saloon, and he was there to pull his brother out of it and take him home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam walked up to the bar and asked for a beer.\u00a0 \u201cHey Adam, we don\u2019t usually get you in here.\u201d The bartender commented as he drew a beer for Adam.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well I was just comin\u2019 in for a quick beer, and then I\u2019m on my way.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, I heard your little brother\u2019s missing.\u00a0 I think he was in here that day he took off.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u00a0 He was here?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked, caught off guard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, he came in that morning.\u00a0 He asked for a bottle of whiskey and took it with him.\u00a0 I told him I thought it was awfully early to be drinking, but he wanted the bottle anyway.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s heart fell.\u00a0 He remembered the scene between his father and Joe about Joe\u2019s drinking with the ranch hand.\u00a0 What he had heard from the bartender made him more convinced that Joe was in big trouble where ever he was.\u00a0 Adam was unsure if he would share the revelation from the bartender with his father.\u00a0 He knew it would torture his father and there was nothing his father could do except worry anyway.\u00a0 Adam said a silent prayer for his little brother\u2019s safety as he feared the worst.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been riding back to the ranch from the north timber stand.\u00a0 He had decided to keep himself busy by riding out to check on some trees that they would be harvesting soon.\u00a0 He had ridden along lost in thought.\u00a0 Ben was finding it harder to continue to work without thinking of Joe and oddly enough thinking of Marie.\u00a0 He felt himself missing her in a way he had not felt for years.\u00a0 The hole he had in his heart was growing, and he was unsure how to stop it.\u00a0 He would begin to think of Joseph and then it would quickly change to thoughts of Marie.\u00a0 What Ben was beginning to realize was how his youngest child had filled the hole he had in his heart after the death of his third wife.\u00a0 Now with both gone, he felt the loss profoundly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben almost missed seeing the paint pony running with the wild herd that lived on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He had been thinking of his loss when the herd crossed an open area off to Ben\u2019s right.\u00a0 The movement caught his attention and he looked over just in time to see Cochise running with the herd.\u00a0 Ben pulled up Buck and watched the paint pony.\u00a0 He had watched that horse and his son ride like the wind so many times.\u00a0 He felt a sadness pass through him as he watched his son\u2019s beloved horse move away and out of sight.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, am I ever going to see you again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe lost track of the days and nights, but knew he had been away from the Ponderosa for at least several weeks.\u00a0 He settled into the room over the saloon and began to play cards for Shelby nightly.\u00a0 His days consisted of sleeping through most of the daylight hours, only waking after the sun had gone down, and the saloon had really come alive for the evening.\u00a0 He was using morphine daily and generously to manage the pain and to numb his mind.\u00a0 Joe refused to allow himself to think of Rebecca or his family.\u00a0 If the thoughts would enter his mind, he would immediately stop himself.\u00a0 If he was unable to stop the thinking on his own, he would allow the medication or alcohol to assist him until he was beyond thinking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The morphine began to function less as a sedative and more as a way for Joe to function on a flat, yet even keel.\u00a0 The sleep that used to accompany a dose of the medication began to become less of a factor, until the morphine no longer made him sleepy.\u00a0 What Joe found was, he could take a dose and remain functional, although he appeared to most people as flat and without expression.\u00a0 The pain he felt in his leg became very distant and between the morphine and the crutches, Joe felt he managed quite well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had watched the kid and knew he was using an excessive amount of morphine and was drinking heavily.\u00a0 She began to realize that this too had been part of Shelby\u2019s plan for the young man.\u00a0 Kenny continued to try and work Joe\u2019s story out of him, and he continued to remained closed off to telling her much of anything.\u00a0 Kenny kept her vow to herself to be protective of the kid and tended to sit close to Joe and keep an eye out for him.\u00a0 Joe would sit and play cards, and she would be near, either sitting next to him or behind him.\u00a0 Joe was oblivious to the con that was being run in the saloon.\u00a0 Shelby had enough people who owed him, so that he could rotate them through his various establishments, and unless someone kept careful records, they would not catch the scam that was being run.\u00a0 The mark was almost always a stranger, and that stranger was usually chosen for his money and for his inebriated state.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Sheriff made a habit of walking through the saloons and kept a close eye out for cheating.\u00a0 The biggest cause for concern in his city was the problems that developed in the saloons, so he tended to remain ever watchful of the potential for trouble.\u00a0 The Sheriff had noticed the new kid who was hanging out in the Cock o\u2019 the Walk Saloon.\u00a0 The law man had already perused through the wanted posters looking to see if the kid was wanted, but he found nothing.\u00a0 He had not received a flyer from Virginia City with a notice to look out for a young man who greatly resembled the newest patron of the Cock o\u2019 the Walk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had finished playing in a game that ended with him fifty dollars up.\u00a0 He moved over to another table to sit by himself.\u00a0 Kenny quickly moved over and sat with him.\u00a0 She signaled the bartender and turned to talk to Joe,\u00a0 \u201cHey, you hungry?\u00a0 You haven\u2019t eaten much, so let me buy you supper.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNaugh, I had a good night tonight.\u00a0 I\u2019ll buy.\u201d\u00a0 Joe counter-offered.\u00a0 He had gotten used to Kenny usually joining him after he played cards, and he did not seem to mind it much, as long as she did not ask a lot of questions.\u00a0 Kenny caught on to this as well and spaced her questions far enough apart so that Joe would not become overly secretive.\u00a0 She tried hard not to make it so that the questions she asked would make him mad so that he would disappear upstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny found that over the weeks as she saw Joe on a regular basis, she found herself becoming more and more attracted to him.\u00a0 She would watch him play cards nightly.\u00a0 There were certain things he would do that drew her towards him.\u00a0 Joe had a habit when he was deep in thought, he would chew on his bottom lip.\u00a0 When he did this, Kenny would smile to herself.\u00a0 She had grown to find his hair to be almost irresistible.\u00a0 He would run his fingers through his hair to straighten it, and Kenny began to long to do that for him.\u00a0 She noticed that there was a quality about Joe that she found enticing, and the more she was around him, the more she wanted to know him better.\u00a0 He tended to slouch in his chair, and at times allowed a cigarette to hang lazily from his mouth.\u00a0 She found his mannerisms to have a sensual nature to them.\u00a0 She wondered if he realized this about himself, or if it had just come natural to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny also grew certain that there was something deeply wrong with the young man.\u00a0 She found his eyes to be very alluring and would draw her in, but when she looked in them she saw something she could not quite put her finger on.\u00a0 She could not decided if what she saw had always been there, or if something had happened to the young man, and he now carried the pain in his eyes.\u00a0 She noticed he almost always avoided eye contact with people.\u00a0 The dark circles she had seen under his eyes were still present and she wondered how much sleep he actually got.\u00a0 It was almost too much for her to not come right out and ask him what was his story.\u00a0 She knew to ask that question would cause him to retreat, and she had to admit, she enjoyed sitting with him too much to risk it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Although Kenny enjoyed being with Joe, he had little feelings for much of anything.\u00a0 He spoke to Kenny because she spoke to him.\u00a0 That was how he functioned with most everyone.\u00a0 He had no idea of Kenny\u2019s increased interest in him, and if he had known, there was nothing he would have done about it.\u00a0 He preferred to be emotionally dead.\u00a0 He had resolved himself to coping with his hurt by avoiding caring about anyone.\u00a0 He told himself that this was now his lot in life and he felt had come to accept it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s attraction to Joe did not go unnoticed by Shelby.\u00a0 He tended to see just about everything that went on in his saloons, and he noticed the look Kenny got on her face as soon as the young man entered the room from upstairs.\u00a0 Shelby had decided he would let Kenny have her fun with the kid for a while, but then he would reassert his authority over her by taking the kid out of the picture.\u00a0 He was pleased that the marks who came into the saloon were unaware of the con being run, and he was taking up to seventy five percent of Joe\u2019s winnings per night.\u00a0 He had every intention of having one hundred percent of the winning, but he would do this gradually.\u00a0 The kid did not seem to notice much, and Shelby was pleased the kid seemed to want to become lost in the bottom of a bottle, rather than to resist the control Shelby was putting over on him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny and Joe sat making small talk as they did every night after the saloon calmed down and the money left for the night.\u00a0 They ate dinner and drank together as Kenny filled Joe in on the local gossip.\u00a0 Joe half-heartedly listened and had no reaction to her stories.\u00a0 Kenny found it frustrating to talk with Joe, because she wanted him to pay closer attention to her.\u00a0 She decided to risk saying what she had been thinking.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Joe.\u00a0 You know you really should back off of that stuff you\u2019re taking.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure that it\u2019s not doin\u2019 you much good.\u00a0 And you know, you drink too much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, so now your my mother, Kenny?\u00a0 I left home to do as I pleased, and now you want to tell me what to do?\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, getting annoyed at Kenny.\u00a0 She had voiced what he knew was true, but he was in no mood to hear it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just trying to help you.\u00a0 What are you hiding from Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHiding?\u00a0 What makes you think I\u2019m hiding?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t talk about yourself at all, you drink all the time, and you get angry every time I ask you a question about yourself.\u00a0 To me that says you\u2019re hiding.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, first off, there is nothing to tell about myself.\u00a0 I work on ranches ropin\u2019 cows and breakin\u2019 horses.\u00a0 What and when I choose to drink is my business, not yours, and I get angry because you don\u2019t seem to believe me when I do answer you.\u00a0 Would you prefer I make up some story that is more exciting?\u00a0 I\u2019m not wanted by the law, at least I don\u2019t think I am.\u00a0 I have no family, and I don\u2019t live any place in particular.\u00a0 Why is that so hard for you to understand?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere is something about you Joe.\u00a0 You have a look in your eye sometimes that says there is more to the story.\u00a0 Sometimes you look very sad to me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was increasingly uncomfortable with Kenny\u2019s revelation.\u00a0 He hated it that she could look at him and see there was something bothering him.\u00a0 Again he was reminded of why he did not want to linger in any particular place for long.\u00a0 He felt he had stayed too long as it was in Sacramento, but his ability to make money seemed to be slower than he had counted on.\u00a0 He also knew his leg would not tolerate riding a horse for any great distance.\u00a0 His leg was healing, and he felt he could put some weight on it, but he did not want to risk further damage to himself.\u00a0 He had known the ride from Virginia City had put far too much strain on it, and that was one of the reasons it was much more painful as it healed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The familiar feeling of being trapped set in, and Joe wanted to be released from its bonds.\u00a0 \u201cSo why don\u2019t you tell me what my deep dark secret is Kenny, if you\u2019re so sure I\u2019ve got one.\u201d\u00a0 Joe challenged.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow am I supposed to know Joe, it\u2019s why I asked you.\u00a0 I have no idea what you\u2019re hiding.\u00a0 If you really are not wanted by the law, then it must be a matter of the heart maybe?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said as she started to flirt.\u00a0 She moved closer to him and put her hands on his collar and started to play with his hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s heart jumped and he prayed Kenny did not see a reaction from him.\u00a0 He reached up and took her hands in his.\u00a0 \u201cOh, Miss Kenny, to have a matter of the heart you\u2019ve got to have a heart, and that my dear woman, I do not have.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that, Joe released Kenny\u2019s hands and stood.\u00a0 He gathered the crutches and made his way upstairs.\u00a0 Kenny watched him leave and thought to herself.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re wrong Joe.\u00a0 I know that.\u00a0 You have a heart, something has happened to it.\u00a0 I can tell.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had known all types of men and considered herself a good judge of character.\u00a0 She knew she had chosen to surrender herself to someone with bad character, namely Shelby, but she trusted her gut, and she knew Joe was a good person.\u00a0 She felt it.\u00a0 She chose to be with Shelby, and in many ways, believed she was using him as he was using her, but she did not want an innocent to be harmed in the game they played.\u00a0 She had never wanted that, and had told herself a long time back that, if she came across an innocent in their con, she would not go through with the game.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As much as she had wanted to believe that she too was good, and that she would stop Shelby from harming Joe as he became more caught in their web, Kenny wondered if she would indeed follow through and stop Shelby.\u00a0 She remained uncertain.\u00a0 She knew she wanted to do the right thing, but she also wanted to keep the life to which she had grown accustomed.\u00a0 Kenny had more money in the bank than she had ever dreamed of, thanks to Shelby, so she knew she owed him.\u00a0 She had been a dirt farmer\u2019s daughter who vowed never to live as she had as a child.\u00a0 She would be leaving the saloons soon with enough money to live the rest of her life in comfort.\u00a0 It was only going to take a few more marks and a couple more cons.\u00a0 \u201cWhy did the kid have to show up now?\u201d\u00a0 She asked herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had made his way upstairs and went into his room.\u00a0 As he entered the room and sat on the bed, he thought of what Kenny had said to him.\u00a0 She could see that there was something bothering him, and it unnerved him.\u00a0 He got up and walked over to the table in the corner and stood before a mirror that hung over the wash basin.\u00a0 He took a good hard look at himself.\u00a0 He knew he looked terrible.\u00a0 He had spent little time looking at himself in the mirror, only shaving every fourth or fifth day.\u00a0 When he did shave, it was as if he actively avoided looking at himself.\u00a0 As he looked at himself, he thought,\u00a0 \u201cI certainly left Joe Cartwright behind at the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With his hair grown out and the stubble from not shaving, he looked much more ragged and somewhat older.\u00a0 Joe had allowed Kenny to take some of his money and buy him some clothes.\u00a0 He stood looking at himself dressed all in black.\u00a0 \u201cSo you\u2019re a gambler now.\u00a0 You definitely look the part, Joe.\u00a0 Pa, would be so proud.\u201d\u00a0 He said sarcastically.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood looking at himself as his anger rose.\u00a0 He eventually felt furious and picked up a bottle off of the wash basin and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.\u00a0 He remained standing staring at the place where the mirror once hung as the door opened.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, everything all right?\u201d\u00a0 It was Kenny who had been passing by the room when she heard the crash.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, the mirror just exploded.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, as if that would make perfect sense to her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny looked confused and started to question further, but she saw the look on Joe\u2019s face which seemed to tell her to not pursue that line of questioning.\u00a0 She had no idea what to say to him.\u00a0 \u201cOh\u2026 um\u2026 well\u2026 if you\u2019re okay\u2026 I\u2019ll go to bed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, you want a drink?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, moving over to the bottle on his night stand.\u00a0 He had no idea why he had asked her if she wanted one.\u00a0 He wanted to be by himself, or so he thought, but the offer seemed to have just slipped out of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was surprised at what Joe had asked, especially after what had just occurred downstairs and then with the mirror.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you sure you really need any more?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine, get out.\u201d\u00a0 Joe snapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, wait.\u00a0 I just asked a question.\u00a0 I won\u2019t ask again.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, as she shut the door and moved over to sit on the bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe produced a glass for Kenny and poured her a healthy portion.\u00a0 He then sat on the bed and took a long draw from the bottle.\u00a0 He drank quietly and did not speak for a long while.\u00a0 Then he asked her a question.\u00a0 \u201cKendall, do you think that there are people in this world that aren\u2019t supposed to ever get what they want?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, they get close and can see it, and then poof, it\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you talking about yourself, Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He held her look and then blinked and turned away.\u00a0 \u201cNever mind.\u00a0 It\u2019s not important anyway.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo tell me more.\u00a0 What are you talking about?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny had become intrigued with what Joe had asked.\u00a0 She could tell he was very drunk and was closer to talking with her than he had ever been.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was all taken away, and I lost it all.\u00a0 You know, God sure is getting a good laugh at me right now, cause I believed it all, Miss Kendall.\u00a0 I believed it all.\u00a0 I bought what he was sellin\u2019 hook, line, and sinker.\u00a0 I even bought the happily ever after crap.\u00a0 But you know, I\u2019m not buyin\u2019 no more.\u00a0 I\u2019m not even gonna look in the window.\u00a0 He can have it all!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was laughing a wild mad laugh.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not playin\u2019!\u00a0 I\u2019ll take what he wants to do to me \u2018cause I guess it\u2019s what I so richly deserve, but he can\u2019t make me play!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe calm down.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said putting her hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHa!\u00a0 That\u2019s makes two of us.\u00a0 I wonder how many others in this world don\u2019t get it?!\u00a0 I wonder when the time comes when God appears and says, surprise I was just joshin\u2019 ya!\u00a0 Here you can have it all back!\u201d\u00a0 Joe continued to drink as he spoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you talking about your folks?\u00a0 Is that what you\u2019re talking about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHell Kenny, I have no idea what I am talking about.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, his mouth up to the bottle.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s the kicker, I guess.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know about so much!\u00a0 I think that\u2019s part of the problem with me.\u00a0 I trusted in somethin\u2019 I knew nothin\u2019 about.\u00a0 I believed in somethin\u2019 that I shouldn\u2019t have, and I got bit.\u00a0 Well shame on me!\u201d\u00a0 he said giggling in a mad sort of way.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s talking confused Kenny.\u00a0 She could see he was hurting deeply and she could now understand some of the look she saw in his eyes, but what did it all mean?\u00a0 What was he really talking about?\u00a0 \u201cJoe, what happened to make you feel this way?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at Kenny.\u00a0 The room began to spin and he felt ill.\u00a0 \u201cI gotta lie down before I pass out.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, throwing himself down on the bed.\u00a0 \u201cYou know Kenny,\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s words were slurred, but he managed to say,\u00a0 \u201cDeath really isn\u2019t fair.\u00a0 Not if it doesn\u2019t take you too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With those final words, Joe passed out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny pulled off Joe\u2019s boots and looked down at him as he slept.\u00a0 He had said things that had so greatly touched her.\u00a0 What was it he was talking about?\u00a0 Was it his parents killed in the accident that he had told her about?\u00a0 He was carrying such a weight on his shoulders it was obvious.\u00a0 Kenny reached down and ran her hand through his hair.\u00a0 Joe did not move.\u00a0 She eventually laid down beside Joe and drifted off to sleep herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Somewhere in the darkness of the night Joe moved over and reached for Kenny.\u00a0 He had been dreaming of Rebecca and was lost in his love for her when he felt Kenny next to him.\u00a0 He was confused at someone being in the bed with him and then his mind accepted what it wanted to accept.\u00a0 He believed Rebecca was there with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny woke to Joe kissing her face and neck.\u00a0 She moved to look at him and he began kissing her deeply on the lips.\u00a0 Kenny was momentarily surprised by Joe kissing her, but she quickly relaxed and kissed him with great passion.\u00a0 This spurned Joe on and he allowed himself to become further lost in the moment.\u00a0 He seemed to be unable to get enough of her, and his kisses had a desperate quality to them.\u00a0 She began to undo his shirt and then his pants as he pulled at her dress.\u00a0 Neither released the embrace they held on the other as they attempted to maneuver out of their clothes.\u00a0 Joe quickly moved his hands all over Kenny\u2019s body, as it became free from its bondage of clothing.\u00a0 Kenny felt his broad shoulders and shuddered as she felt his hands touching her.\u00a0 Joe wanted her madly, but wanted the time to stand still and last forever.\u00a0 He was torn between quickly taking her and drawing out the passion until he could no longer stand it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He talked softy to her as he caressed and kissed her.\u00a0 \u201cOh God! I\u2019ve missed you so much, my love.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe you\u2019re really here.\u00a0 I love you so much.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t go away again.\u00a0 Stay with me forever.\u00a0 I need you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny heard what Joe was saying and was unable to answer.\u00a0 He touched her in ways she had never experienced.\u00a0 There had been so many men, but none like this.\u00a0 None that had actually made love to her.\u00a0 She was caught in the passion until he entered her and she heard him say, \u201cOh God, Rebecca, I love you so much!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that she knew it was not with her that he was making love.\u00a0 There was another.\u00a0 After they finished, Joe rolled away from her and was again lost to dreams.\u00a0 The memory of what had occurred between them dissolved in the alcohol and morphine in his blood.\u00a0 It would be to him as if it had never happened.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny woke early and looked over at a sleeping Joe.\u00a0 She recalled what had occurred the previous night with mixed feelings.\u00a0 She had no regret for what had occurred, but she wished he had known it was her he had made love to.\u00a0 She remembered the name he had called out, Rebecca.\u00a0 So it had been a matter of the heart that had brought him to Sacramento.\u00a0 She wondered what the full story entailed.\u00a0 She thought to herself that Rebecca was very fortunate to be loved the way Joe seemed to love her.\u00a0 She wished for that love for herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny laid watching Joe sleep for a while before forcing herself to get out of bed.\u00a0 She regretted the night ending, but knew the encounter had been unreal and part of a fantasy that could never be.\u00a0 She walked over to the side of the bed, knelt down and kissed Joe softly.\u00a0 He remained lost in sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny grabbed her shoes and walked quietly out of Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 As she turned to close the door she did not see Shelby come up behind her.\u00a0 \u201cSo I see you seduced our young friend.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny jumped at the voice.\u00a0 \u201cOh, you startled me.\u201d\u00a0 She whispered as she walked away from Joe\u2019s door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby followed Kenny into her own room.\u00a0 \u201cSo\u2026 do tell.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby prodded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell what?\u00a0 There is nothing to tell.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAwe, come on sweet Kenny, you\u2019re not gonna hold out on your partner are you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby surely you\u2019re not a cad.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing to tell.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean you and Joe there didn\u2019t\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, that is none of your business.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, turning her back on him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby quickly grabbed her roughly by the arm and spun her back around.\u00a0 \u201cOh, but my dear, it is all my business.\u00a0 I think you are forgetting that.\u00a0 Do I need to give you a not so gentle reminder?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Shelby, you don\u2019t, and let go of me.\u201d\u00a0 She said pulling her arm back.\u00a0 \u201cJoe didn\u2019t say anything to me about himself.\u00a0 He was drunk.\u00a0 He\u2019s passed out right now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but I am sure darlin\u2019 you put a smile on that boy\u2019s face.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, sometimes you\u2019re a pig.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAwe, but you love me.\u201d\u00a0 he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her roughly.\u00a0 She could not help but think again of how gentle Joe had been.\u00a0 She thought of Joe as she kissed Shelby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The days continued to pass and Joe kept to his same routine.\u00a0 Shelby had begun to raise expenses, so Joe was finding himself out more and more money.\u00a0 Joe had felt obligated to Shelby for having helped him out when he had nothing, so Joe did not complain when Shelby started to tell him that the room expense was going to be more than he had first counted on.\u00a0 Shelby also presented Joe with a bill for Mr. Li\u2019s services which Joe quickly paid.\u00a0 It began gradually, but slowly Shelby was retaking all of the money Joe was winning, and before long Joe realized he had very little money left.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny kept her usual spot near Joe and found herself thinking often of the night she had spent with him.\u00a0 She was saddened when Joe never mentioned it to her.\u00a0 She did not allow herself to think of any kind of future with Joe, however, she knew she would not turn him down if he came to her again.\u00a0 She was willing for him to have her be whomever he wished her to be.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the evening wore on, and became like so many others. Joe continued to hold his own at the card table, and Kenny entertained herself.\u00a0 She had taken Joe\u2019s hat off of his head and was wearing it herself.\u00a0 It was a way she flirted with him, and he did not seem to mind.\u00a0 Joe asked her to get him another drink, and she quickly jumped up to go to the bar.\u00a0 As she waited at the bar for the bartender, she began to overhear a conversation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m tellin\u2019 you Shorty his hair\u2019s all grown out and he looks a little ragged, but I\u2019d bet you a dollar that\u2019s Joe Cartwright.\u201d\u00a0 A man in a tan vest said to his buddy next to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean Ben Cartwright\u2019s kid Joe?\u00a0 Naugh that can\u2019t be him.\u00a0 What\u2019d he be doin in Sacramento and lookin\u2019 like a gambler like that guy does?\u201d the man named Shorty answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny heard the words,\u00a0 Joe and gambler.\u00a0 She saw them looking in the direction of Joe as they spoke.\u00a0 \u201cGentlemen,\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help overhear you, and can I ask who you\u2019re talkin\u2019 about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHowdy ma\u2019am.\u201d\u00a0 The cowboy in the tan vest removed his hat as Kenny spoke.\u00a0 \u201cSee me and my friend here worked the Ponderosa in Nevada a little while back, and I think that young fella sitting there is the one they call Little Joe Cartwright, the owner of the Ponderosa\u2019s youngest kid.\u00a0 We were there when the kid high tailed it out of there and ran off.\u00a0 Don\u2019t know why though, his Pa\u2019s got more money than you can shake a stick at.\u00a0 I heard there\u2019s a reward for information regarding the where abouts of that kid.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou have any idea why the Cartwright kid ran off?\u00a0 He wanted or something?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked hoping to find out Joe\u2019s story.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNaugh!\u00a0 A Cartwright wanted?\u00a0 No, they\u2019re respectable type people.\u00a0 Ben Cartwright\u2019s a good man.\u00a0 He gave me and Shorty here an extra weeks wages for bringing a stand of timber in earlier than expected.\u00a0 The Ponderosa\u2019s a big place so you can go weeks not seein\u2019 no one.\u00a0 Never did meet Cartwright\u2019s youngest up close, but I\u2019d seen him in town a couple three or so times.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see, why did he run off?\u00a0 Oh, yeah, I remember, he was supposed to be gettin\u2019 married or something, and his girl got kilt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny looked over at Joe and his story finally made sense.\u00a0 The Rebecca he had called out for that night must have been his girl.\u00a0 \u201cYou say Cartwright, huh?\u00a0 Where abouts in Nevada is this ranch of theirs?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Ponderosa?\u00a0 It\u2019s outside Virginia City.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny made a quick decision.\u00a0 She did not want these men to report back to the Cartwrights that Joe was there in Sacramento.\u00a0 Joe had run off for a reason, and she felt she would protect him if he did not want to be found.\u00a0 She was very attached to him and if she were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she did not want him to leave her. \u201cHuh, well guys, that\u2019s not the Cartwright kid.\u00a0 That kid\u2019s name is Johnny Tyler, and he\u2019s a local born and bred.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSee I told you Snyder, that wasn\u2019t Little Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 We\u2019d never be lucky enough to see Cartwright and be able to collect the $1000.00.\u201d\u00a0 The one named Shorty said, as Kenny walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny prayed Shelby would not catch wind that Joe was from money, or he would be cooking up some scheme to fleece Joe and his family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Sheriff had begun to catch wind of a possible scam being run in several of the saloons in town.\u00a0 He appeared in the Cock o\u2019 the Walk more often and started watching Joe carefully.\u00a0 He had seen Joe limping and walking on crutches so he assumed Joe was unable to be otherwise employed, but he found it suspicious that the young man did nothing but play cards.\u00a0 The sheriff thought he may just need to have a talk with the stranger.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing, but not badly.\u00a0 He had noticed his luck was episodic and he was losing more than he had when had started playing weeks ago.\u00a0 He was not overly concerned about it though, primarily because nothing really concerned him much anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDeal me out fellas.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said as the group began a new game.\u00a0 Joe moved over to an empty table to take a break.\u00a0 He decided to get something to eat and was waiting for his dinner when the sheriff sat down at the table with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHello son.\u00a0 Mind if we talk?\u201d\u00a0 The sheriff began.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, surprised the law man wanted to talk with him.\u00a0 He was cautious to speak with the sheriff, because he had some idea that his father was probably out looking for him, and he hoped this did not have anything to do with it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI noticed you seemed to have taken up residence in this saloon.\u00a0 You make your living gambling.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but since I messed up my leg there\u2019s not a whole lot I can do right now.\u00a0 I\u2019m just waiting for it to heal then I\u2019ll be back working cattle and horses.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019d you say you\u2019re from kid?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, beginning to get nervous.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere a reason you don\u2019t want to tell me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 Am I in some kind of trouble?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you tell me kid?\u00a0 Is there some reason I should be keepin\u2019 my eye on you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve done anything you\u2019d need to know about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your name kid?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe DesVries.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, thinking quickly of his mother\u2019s maiden name.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay DesVries, where you from?\u201d the sheriff continued.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNew Orleans.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t sound like you\u2019re from the South.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHaven\u2019t been there in a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, where have you been working?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLook, am I in trouble or somethin\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was very uncomfortable with the questions being asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not yet.\u00a0 I just had been meanin\u2019 to talk to you for a while.\u00a0 I want to tell you I run a clean town, and I expect you to keep your nose clean.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSheriff, I am mindin\u2019 my own business and haven\u2019t done anythin\u2019 wrong.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSee you keep it that way kid.\u00a0 I\u2019m keepin\u2019 my eye on you.\u201d\u00a0 The sheriff ended the conversation and walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat watching the man\u2019s back and shaking his head.\u00a0 \u201cNow I wonder what that was all about?\u201d\u00a0 he said aloud.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The conversation between Joe and the Sheriff was not missed by Shelby.\u00a0 Shelby had noticed the Sheriff\u2019s keen eye, and knew he would have to give up the kid to the law soon in order to remove the suspicion from himself.\u00a0 He thought this would actually serve two purposes.\u00a0 One, it would get the law off of him, and two it would get the kid away from Kenny. \u00a0Shelby had grown to loath the kid because of the way Kenny looked at the young man.\u00a0 He had told Kenny to seduce the kid, but he had not meant for there to be anymore than that between them.\u00a0 He could see the kid was not interested in Kenny, but Kenny was definitely interested in the kid.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had seen Shelby watching Joe and the sheriff and she did not like the look on Shelby\u2019s face.\u00a0 She walked over and spoke to him, \u201cShelby, what are you gonna do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWho me?\u00a0 What makes you think that I\u2019m gonna do something?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve seen that look before on your face.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna give up the kid, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, my dear you knew you couldn\u2019t keep him as your own little play thing didn\u2019t you?\u00a0 You\u2019ve known from the beginning that if the law gets close, the kid gets burned.\u00a0 Well I\u2019m just waitin\u2019 right now to see if that Sheriff is gonna pursue anything.\u00a0 If he does, then I give him the kid.\u00a0 If he doesn\u2019t you can keep him a little longer.\u00a0 But Kenny darlin\u2019 don\u2019t go gettin\u2019 too attached.\u00a0 You know he\u2019d never settle on you.\u00a0 After all why should he?\u00a0 He\u2019s gotten what you got to give already.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny glared at Shelby and realized she despised him at that moment.\u00a0 She then looked at Joe who sat at a table quietly drinking himself into oblivion.\u00a0 \u201cThis has gone too far.\u00a0 Nothing good can come of this.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny thought.\u00a0 \u201cJoe\u2019s not gonna be safe as long as he\u2019s in Shelby\u2019s grasp.\u00a0 I gotta help him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShelby, there is a place in hell for people like you.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said as she walked away from him and went upstairs.\u00a0 She knew what she had to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss had eventually returned to the Ponderosa after his search proved fruitless.\u00a0 When he appeared, Ben and Adam noticed how tired and ragged He looked.\u00a0 He had dropped weight and Ben wondered when the last time it had been that Hoss had eaten.\u00a0 Hoss took one look at his brother and father and wanted to cry.\u00a0 He felt so hopeless.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t find him anywhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, you don\u2019t have to apologize.\u00a0 I know you tried.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to comfort Hoss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, I know Joe needs us.\u00a0 I just know it.\u00a0 I can\u2019t get this feelin\u2019 out a my head that Joe is all alone.\u00a0 He\u2019s just a kid, and he\u2019s out there with all sorts of troubles.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, we\u2019ve gotta believe we\u2019re gonna see him again.\u00a0 We\u2019ve just gotta believe it.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said, placing his arm around Hoss and leading him to the couch.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, you did your best.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Cartwrights went through the motions of their day.\u00a0 Each had their own specialty within the running of the ranch and each plunged into their jobs.\u00a0 The Ponderosa ran with efficiency, but the love for the land was missing.\u00a0 The love for the land developed out of the love that existed within the Cartwright family.\u00a0 They had all believed that they were doing it for each other, but now they wondered why they bothered.\u00a0 A Cartwright was missing, and they could not fool themselves into thinking differently.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was sitting in his youngest son\u2019s room when Adam appeared in the doorway.\u00a0 \u201cPa, there\u2019s a letter for you here from Sacramento.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, well leave it downstairs, and I\u2019ll look at it later.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, sitting in here isn\u2019t helping you.\u00a0 Joe isn\u2019t in this room anymore.\u00a0 Come on down with me, and we\u2019ll look at the books together and get some work down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I have lost him. .\u00a0 He\u2019s gone.\u00a0 My Joseph\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you can\u2019t believe Joe\u2019s gone forever.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam. let\u2019s face it.\u00a0 Joe could be anywhere, if he\u2019s even still alive.\u00a0 You know he would be easy pickings if he\u2019s out of his head.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, stop it!\u00a0 You cannot even think that!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think some how we\u2019d know if we had lost Joe for good?\u00a0 You gotta stop this!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s words caught Ben\u2019s attention.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry son.\u00a0 I get so afraid some times.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know Pa, we all do.\u00a0 Look come downstairs and lets get some work done.\u00a0 We gotta keep this place running.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Ben made it downstairs, and Ben began working on the running of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Adam again asked him if he wanted to read the letter that had arrived from Sacramento.\u00a0 Ben took the letter and opened it to see handwriting in the neat cursive of a woman\u2019s script.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Cartwright Family,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I am writing you uncertain if you are indeed the people who can help me.\u00a0 I have befriended a young man named Joe who has been quite secretive of his past, so I am uncertain if you folks are indeed his family.\u00a0 There were some former hands of your ranch in the saloon where I work who seemed to recognize my friend Joe, as your family member, Little Joe.\u00a0 I hate to bring you such bad news, but if this young man is indeed your Little Joe, he is in very bad trouble and needs you desperately.\u00a0 I will describe him for you to see if he fits your son\u2019s description.\u00a0 The Joe I have come to know, told the sheriff his last name was DesVries and he was from New Orleans.\u00a0 He told me he is seventeen, and he stands about five foot ten and is on the thin side.\u00a0 He has dark curly hair and green eyes.\u00a0 He has injured himself, perhaps while he was still at home, and he walks with a limp.\u00a0 The injury is to his right leg.\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

If this sounds like your family member, please come quickly.\u00a0 Joe is in deep trouble that I wish not to go into in this letter.\u00a0 You can find me at the Cock o\u2019 the Walk Saloon in Sacramento.\u00a0 I look forward to some type of recognition of this letter.\u00a0 If you are not part of this boy\u2019s family, please let me know, so I can find another way to help him.\u00a0 If you are, please come quickly.\u00a0 He needs you.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Kendall Mac Masters<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben read the letter twice and then exclaimed.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve found him! Adam, we\u2019ve found him!\u201d\u00a0 Ben began to dance around his desk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked, confused at the sudden emotional change in his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Joseph!\u00a0 It has to be Joseph!\u00a0 He\u2019s using his mother\u2019s maiden name.\u00a0 It has to be him.\u00a0 Saddle my horse I\u2019m leaving at once!\u201d\u00a0 Ben ordered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, what are you talking about?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere, read it son!\u00a0 Read it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss walked into the house as Ben was rejoicing over the news of his youngest being located.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s goin\u2019 on?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Joseph!\u00a0 There\u2019s someone who\u2019s found him!\u00a0 Boys, Joseph\u2019s alive!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam read the letter and passed it off to Hoss.\u00a0 He then pointed out to his father, \u201cPa, from the description it has to be Joe, but the woman says he\u2019s in trouble.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This brought a sobering effect to Ben.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I read that as well, but I have to believe I can get to Joe and help him.\u00a0 We know where he is, and that\u2019s much more than we knew.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna go and get him and bring him home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss had finished reading the letter and spoke,\u00a0 \u201cPa, we\u2019ll go with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben thought on this a minute, and then said,\u00a0 \u201cNo boys.\u00a0 I have to go get him alone.\u00a0 He\u2019s gonna be skittish as it is, and I don\u2019t want him to bolt.\u00a0 You two stay here and keep things going.\u00a0 If I need you, I won\u2019t hesitate to wire you.\u00a0 Please wire this woman in Sacramento right away.\u00a0 Tell her I\u2019m on my way, and tell her NOT to tell Joseph.\u00a0 Oh, and I think you\u2019d better round up Cochise.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure Joe will want her when he gets home.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, his enthusiasm not hidden from his boys.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you may need us.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, I will get through to Joseph.\u00a0 I will bring him home.\u00a0 He is my son, and I will bring him to you, I promise.\u00a0 I was there when he was born.\u00a0 I have been there through all of the scraped knees and boyhood troubles.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get him through this as well.\u00a0 Our Little Joe\u2019ll be back, because I\u2019ll bring him back.\u00a0 I can\u2019t have anything less.\u00a0 Joseph will come home with me and come back to you two.\u00a0 We love him.\u00a0 He knows it, and that\u2019s all I\u2019ll listen to.\u00a0 Now, I\u2019ve got a trip to take!\u201d Ben said pushing through his sons and almost running up the stairs to pack a bag.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny waited anxiously for an answer to her letter.\u00a0 She was unsure how Joe would react if he knew about what she had done, but she felt she could not risk letting Shelby do what he had in mind for the young man.\u00a0 Shelby was closing in on Joe, she sensed it.\u00a0 She was quite certain Shelby had become jealous of her attraction to Joe, not that Joe had noticed any of it, and was wanting to harm Joe.\u00a0 She also knew that the plan would be to set Joe up to go to jail or worse.\u00a0 She put nothing past Shelby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was also worried about Joe because of Joe\u2019s behavior.\u00a0 She had seen him becoming more and more apathetic and seemed destined to keep himself numb.\u00a0 She saw Joe taking more and more of the morphine, although his leg seemed to be getting better.\u00a0 Kenny knew very little about the over use of morphine, but what she did know was it was bad news.\u00a0 She had seen men who had become very ill without the medication after they had used it for a while.\u00a0 She feared Joe was getting to that place, and Kenny was unable to feel as if she could stop him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had fought the urge to tell Joe she knew about his fianc\u00e9e since she had found out about the accident from the ranch hands.\u00a0 She could tell Joe could go indefinitely without telling her what was hurting him so bad.\u00a0 She was unsure if she should even try to say anything to him, because she did not want to anger him.\u00a0 Joe and Kenny had settled into a friendship that she valued.\u00a0 She knew it meant much more to her than to him, but she did not want to lose it.\u00a0 She was at a loss as to how to help Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The saloon was quiet, so Kenny decided to check the telegraph office.\u00a0 She was greeted with a telegram from Virginia City, Nevada.\u00a0 She closed her eyes unsure of what she wanted the answer to the telegram to be.\u00a0 If the people she wrote were not Joe\u2019s family, then he would be staying, and she would have him with her a while longer.\u00a0 If they were his family then he would have the help he needed.\u00a0 Kenny knew what was best for Joe and hoped she could stand it herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She opened the telegram and read:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

MISS MAC MASTERS (STOP)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

THE INDIVIDUAL DESCRIBED IS OUR JOE (STOP) <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

BEN CARTWRIGHT, JOE\u2019S FATHER, IS ON HIS WAY TO SACRAMENTO (STOP) <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

SHOULD ARRIVE THURSDAY (STOP)\u00a0 DO NOT TELL JOE OF FATHER\u2019S ARRIVAL (STOP)\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

JOE NEEDS TO BE DETAINED WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE (STOP)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH (STOP)\u00a0 <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

DO NOT TELL JOE (STOP).<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0ADAM CARTWRIGHT (STOP)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kendall felt sad, but relieved. It was Tuesday, so she had only two days to spend with Joe before his father arrived.\u00a0 She walked slowly back to the saloon as she thought of how she wished her life would be.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was sitting in the saloon eating when Kenny returned.\u00a0 She walked over to him and sat down, being careful to stuff the telegram in her cleavage.\u00a0 She greeted Joe with a smile, \u201cHey sleepy head.\u00a0 You\u2019re up finally.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh yeah, I guess.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, and it was obvious that he was still half asleep, either that or heavily medicated.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey Joe.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t we get out of here and go for a ride or something?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at her as he tried to come up with a reason to not go outside with her.\u00a0 He was not feeling social.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I don\u2019t feel like it.\u00a0 I gotta headache.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cI bet you do Joe, seein\u2019 as how much you drank last night.\u201d\u00a0 She said instead,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, please.\u00a0 I gotta get out of here, and I think you could use the fresh air.\u00a0 You look as pale as a ghost.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I really don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u00a0 I can\u2019t go by myself, and I really want to get out of here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was getting the feeling that Kenny was not going to take no for an answer, and he was not wanting to have a battle with her, so he acquiesced.\u00a0 The two rented a carriage and Joe drove them out of town and pulled the horse up by the Sacramento River.\u00a0 He got down and limped over to Kenny.\u00a0 She had already gotten out of the carriage, and they walked over to the river bank.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s nice here.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny commented.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh.\u201d\u00a0 was all Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell you certainly are talkative.\u00a0 The whole ride out here I think you may have said uh huh twice and grunted a few times.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t tell me I\u2019d have to talk too.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, walking away from her and sitting on a rock by the water.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I just assumed that talking would be something that was a normal part of the outing.\u00a0 Sorry I assumed so much.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, her irritation growing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not respond to her and sat tossing pebbles into the water.\u00a0 He was thinking of another time he had been out for a ride with a beautiful woman and ended up in a meadow.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny decided she had one last time to talk to Joe before his father arrived.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, can I ask you a question?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, who\u2019s Rebecca?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard Rebecca\u2019s name and was thrown off guard.\u00a0 He closed his eyes and longed to be away from Kenny.\u00a0 He opened his eyes and looked at her for a long second before speaking.\u00a0 \u201cHow do you know that name?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny felt very sad as she asked him, \u201cYou said it out loud once. \u00a0You don\u2019t remember?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it seemed she was someone really important to you.\u00a0 Who was she Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny decided to risk it and ask him the questions she wanted to hear him answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at her trying to decide if he would answer her truthfully or tell her to mind her own business.\u00a0 He was unsure if he could actually tell her.\u00a0 He looked towards the river and said very quietly,\u00a0 \u201cShe is\u2026 she was\u2026 she was about the\u2026 um, most important person in my life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2026 she\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe started to answer and stopped.\u00a0 He looked towards the sky and closed his eyes again.\u00a0 He shook his head as he saw Rebecca\u2019s face in his minds eye and then looked back at Kenny.\u00a0 \u201cShe died in uh\u2026 um, accident.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe accident you said your folks died in?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t real truthful with that one.\u00a0 Um\u2026 my ma\u2019s been dead since I was five.\u00a0 My Pa\u2019s still alive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, feeling guilty as she felt the telegram up against her skin.\u00a0 \u201cJoe is that why you came to Sacramento?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I wasn\u2019t actually planning on Sacramento, and I would have taken off if I hadn\u2019t gotten robbed, but it\u2019s why I left home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you think your family misses you?\u00a0 I bet they want you to go home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With the mention of his family, Joe again thought of his father and brothers.\u00a0 He did miss them and knew they were probably very upset with him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure that\u2019s what they want, but I can\u2019t go home Kendall.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I can ever go back there.\u00a0 She\u2019s\u2026 she\u2019s everywhere I look.\u00a0 You don\u2019t understand\u2026 \u00a0I don\u2019t even understand it.\u00a0 My family are the some of the best people in the world, but they can\u2019t fix this one.\u00a0 They can\u2019t bring her back, and that\u2019s all I want.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d kill for a family like yours.\u201d\u00a0 Kendall wanted to try and make it easier for Joe to accept his father coming to get him.\u00a0 She wanted him to realize he was not alone in his pain.\u00a0 \u201cI think you\u2019re wrong that they can\u2019t help you.\u00a0 I think you need them.\u00a0 I know you\u2019re not finding the answers you are looking for with the whiskey and the morphine.\u00a0 You\u2019re just getting more lost.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe lost is where I want to be.\u00a0 Maybe if I get so lost, then it\u2019ll stop.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll get so lost I won\u2019t care about anything, and then I can just end it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was not looking at her as he spoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean die?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I mean die.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t even kill myself.\u00a0 I tried it, you know.\u00a0 I sat in the barn back home and held that gun to my head, and I couldn\u2019t do it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI really wanted to be dead.\u00a0 I still do, to be honest, but something stopped me.\u00a0 It was my family.\u00a0 I thought about them and couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 Now if they get far enough away, maybe I can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s words scared Kenny.\u00a0 She was immediately relieved that Joe\u2019s father was on his way.\u00a0 She had no idea he was so desperate.\u00a0 \u201cYou really want to die?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMore than you\u2019ll ever know, Kendall.\u00a0 More than you\u2019ll ever know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think that is what Rebecca would want?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said aloud and thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cIf you were mine, I would never want that for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned and looked at her, his tone of voice getting more harsh.\u00a0 \u201cYou know I don\u2019t get the privilege of knowing what Rebecca wants ever again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t believe someone who loved you as much as you say she did, would want you dead.\u00a0 I don\u2019t believe that Joe, and if you were honest, you\u2019d have to admit that she would not want you dead.\u00a0 If it had been you who had died, would you want her to kill herself?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s words were hitting Joe hard.\u00a0 He wanted her to shut up and leave him alone.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, this discussion\u2019s over.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, as he stood up and limped farther away from her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you walking away, Joe?\u00a0 You know I\u2019m right?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny wanted to get through to him.\u00a0 His revelation about wanting to die had made her fearful, and she wanted to stop him from thinking as he was.\u00a0 She walked after him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I\u2019d advise you to leave me alone right now.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said in a cold manner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy Joe?\u00a0 So you can keep feeling sorry for yourself?\u00a0 Well, guess what kiddo, people die all the time, and people leave you!\u00a0 You can either roll over and die like you\u2019ve decided to do, or you can fight back!\u00a0 You can hold on tight and love every minute you get with someone!\u00a0 Joe, you\u2019re such a child!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, you say one more word, and I\u2019m not gonna be responsible for what I do!\u00a0 Now leave me alone!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I can walk a lot faster than you can move, and you don\u2019t scare me one bit.\u00a0 Now stop being such a child and sit down and talk to me.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, grabbing Joe\u2019s arm and turning him around to look at her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I told you the conversation is over and I meant it.\u00a0 I owe you nothing!\u00a0 I want to be alone!\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you in my life.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t ask for it.\u00a0 All I want is to be left the hell alone!\u00a0 Is that so hard for you to understand? !\u201d\u00a0 Joe was furious and was not thinking about what he was saying.\u00a0 He was feeling cornered by Kenny and wanted her to back off.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you know anyway?\u00a0 You\u2019re some saloon girl who gets paid to take men upstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny pulled back her hand and slapped Joe across the face.\u00a0 It caught Joe off guard, and he stood there with a shocked look on his face.\u00a0 Kenny began to cry as she spoke,\u00a0 \u201cListen here.\u00a0 You may think what you\u2019d like about me.\u00a0 Believe me, there is nothing you can think about me, I have not thought about myself.\u00a0 But you need to realize one thing, Joe.\u00a0 I may make money being with men, and that may make me dirty to you, but at least I\u2019m honest with you.\u00a0 More honest than you are with yourself.\u00a0 I happen to think those are the types of qualities that are important.\u00a0 So you just go on and drown yourself in booze and drink so much of that morphine you choke on it.\u00a0 That\u2019s what you deserve.\u201d\u00a0 With that Kenny turned and walked back towards the carriage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe immediately felt bad about what he had said to Kenny.\u00a0 He had not meant to be so hateful.\u00a0 He knew he had said something that was terribly cruel.\u00a0 He wanted to go after her, but he believed keeping her away from him was what he had to do to protect himself.\u00a0 What she had said to him had been true.\u00a0 He knew that, but it was also the words he had been avoiding for so long.\u00a0 He remained standing looking out at the river wishing he was on it, floating away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny walked to the carriage and lifted herself into it and sat down.\u00a0 She was hurt by what Joe had said to her and wished things had been different.\u00a0 She wished she had been the love of Joe\u2019s life, and he was there with her forever.\u00a0 She sat looking at him as he stared at the river.\u00a0 She watched him reach into his pocket and pull out the bottle of morphine.\u00a0 She saw him look at it, and he seemed to be contemplating something.\u00a0 She hoped he would throw the bottle in the river, but she watched him take a drink instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thursday quickly approached and Kenny found herself trying to keep her mind off of Joe\u2019s father\u2019s arrival.\u00a0 She and Joe had returned from the river without speaking to one another, but eventually the silence was broken and Joe apologized for what he had said.\u00a0 Kenny spent as much time with Joe as she could and found herself watching the saloon door in anticipation of Mr. Cartwright\u2019s appearance.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thursday evening found the Cock o\u2019 the Walk Saloon loud and boisterous.\u00a0 Ben had ridden Buck hard to Sacramento and was feeling the fatigue of days on the trail and too little sleep.\u00a0 He had spent much of that day attempting to plan how he would get Joseph to come home willingly.\u00a0 Ben did not want to have to drag Joe back to the Ponderosa, but he knew he would, if that was what it took to have his son home safe and sound.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben dismounted and tied Buck to the hitching post.\u00a0 He walked quickly into the saloon and his eyes scanned the room.\u00a0 He heard a voice he knew so well and turned towards it.\u00a0 His eyes landed on a sight he could not believe he was seeing.\u00a0 In the corner of the saloon he saw a card game in progress.\u00a0 There were four men sitting playing cards and one of them belonged to the voice Ben recognized.\u00a0 Sitting at the table was Joe, but he did not look like his son.\u00a0 Ben was taken aback at his son\u2019s appearance.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat slouched in his chair.\u00a0 His hair was quite long and he had not shaved in several days.\u00a0 He was dressed in black, and he had a cigarette in his mouth.\u00a0 Joe looked pale and thin.\u00a0 Sitting on the right arm of his chair was a saloon girl.\u00a0 She had her arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders and she was absentmindedly played with his hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was in shock.\u00a0 He knew it was his son he was looking at, but he could not believe it.\u00a0 He took a seat back out of the way, so that Joe could not see him.\u00a0 He sat and watched his son while he tried to think of the best way to handle the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing quite heavily.\u00a0 He was not paying close attention to the game, and his playing showed it.\u00a0 He was also not being dealt cards that would produce a winning hand.\u00a0 Kenny was watching him play as she usually did and saw that Joe was having a bad night.\u00a0 She knew that the poor night at the poker table was compliments of Shelby, and she glared at him when he looked at her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like this is not my night.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said to no one in particular as he threw down his cards.\u00a0 \u201cHey Kendall, could ya get me a drink?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was quickly up and to the bar.\u00a0 Ben had heard Joe say the woman\u2019s name and he realized that this was the woman who had written him.\u00a0 After seeing his son, he knew she had not written too soon.\u00a0 Ben continued his watch.\u00a0 He had started to notice something interesting about the card game being played.\u00a0 He was unsure, but it looked to him as if the current dealer was dealing every so often from the bottom of the deck.\u00a0 The dealer was very quick, and it was hard to follow all of his movements, but once in a while Ben would see it.\u00a0 But what did not make immediate sense to him was that the man who currently functioned as the dealer had not given himself the winning hand.\u00a0 It had gone to Joseph.\u00a0 Ben heard Joe pick up the pot with a pair of Kings.\u00a0 Ben had a bad feeling regarding the card game his son was involved in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening wore on and Ben watched Joe drink and gamble.\u00a0 Ben was at a loss to know what he should do.\u00a0 He felt perhaps he needed to speak with the woman before he approached Joseph.\u00a0 He was also not wanting to have a scene in the saloon with his son.\u00a0 Ben was not fooling himself.\u00a0 He knew Joe was going to resist.\u00a0 He did not want to have Joe drunk while he resisted.\u00a0 Ben made a difficult decision.\u00a0 As hard as it was to let Joe be lost for one more minute, he would wait for morning to approach his son and take him home.\u00a0 He felt maybe that gave him the best chance at reasoning with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had drank the drink Kenny had given him, as well as many others.\u00a0 He was tired and dizzy and ready to call it a night.\u00a0 \u201cWell gentlemen, I shall leave you to the game.\u00a0 I\u2019m pretty much tapped out, and I guess I must wait for another night to get my money back from you vultures.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said and stood to leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was promptly there with Joe and he leaned on her for balance.\u00a0 Ben noticed his son\u2019s limp and wanted to rush over to him.\u00a0 It took everything he had to remain seated.\u00a0 Ben sat and watched as his son put his arm around Kendall and ascended the stairs to the second floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny helped Joe to his room as she had grown accustomed to doing when Joe had drank too much and was off balance.\u00a0 She walked him into the room, and Joe quickly plopped onto the bed.\u00a0 He was just about asleep by the time his head hit the pillow and passed out as Kenny took off his boots.\u00a0 She picked up a blanket off of the floor and covered Joe and then left the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kendall made her way to her own room and went inside.\u00a0 She had been surprised that Joe\u2019s father had yet to appear.\u00a0 She had felt anxious all day as she waited for his arrival.\u00a0 She undressed herself and put on her most expensive negligee.\u00a0 Whenever she felt sad or down she found wearing something expensive lifted her spirits.\u00a0 She had also found it was not working this time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The night passed slowly as Kenny tried to sleep.\u00a0 She tossed and turned and eventually admitted to herself that she was not going to be able to sleep for a while.\u00a0 She began to want to go down the hall to Joe, but she hesitated.\u00a0 She knew in her head it would not be right.\u00a0 She told herself she needed to let him go, but she was having a difficult time.\u00a0 Finally she gave into her heart and walked down the hall.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The room was quiet as she entered.\u00a0 She could hear him breathing as she moved over to the bed and sat down.\u00a0 He did not move.\u00a0 She reach up and ran her hand over his face and resisted the urge to kiss him.\u00a0 She had a momentary surge of guilt at being there, but she quieted it within her and laid down next to him.\u00a0 Kenny laid looking at Joe and wanting him to reach out to her.\u00a0 She wondered what he would do if he knew it was her that was there with him.\u00a0 She did not think she could bear it if he rejected her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny moved Joe\u2019s arm so that she was resting on his shoulder.\u00a0 She listened to him breathe and found herself beginning to cry.\u00a0 She knew she was going to have to say good bye to him, and she did not want to do it.\u00a0 She had found that his arrival in Sacramento had changed her.\u00a0 She no longer could use people the way she had grown so used to doing.\u00a0 She had forgotten there were innocents in the world that did not deserve to have the pain she and Shelby had doled out thoughtlessly.\u00a0 He had reminded her of this.\u00a0 She had found her compassion again.\u00a0 She had found her heart again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She thought it sad that Joe was oblivious to how he had helped her with his story, and she wondered if he would ever know.\u00a0 It was something she hoped she could tell him some day.\u00a0 She just prayed he would not hate her when he found out how he had been used by Shelby and by herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny eventually fell off to sleep herself.\u00a0 Again it happened as it had the previous time Joe had reached for her.\u00a0 Joe was with Rebecca in his mind and Kenny was with Joe.\u00a0 As he made love to her she allowed herself to believe he loved her, and she showed him how much she had grown to love him.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s words of love for Rebecca, Kenny told herself, were actually meant for her.\u00a0 His caresses that he believed were for Rebecca, Kenny convinced herself, was actually his desire for her.\u00a0 His passion was for Rebecca, but Kenny allowed herself for the time he made love to her body, to believe he was in love with her.\u00a0 For the time he was with her, she was in Heaven.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright had spent a sleepless night thinking and rethinking how he would handle Joe.\u00a0 He had no solid plan when the sun rose and he lifted himself from the chair he had sat in the entire night.\u00a0 Ben had gotten a room in a hotel across the street from the Cock o\u2019 the Walk.\u00a0 His bed had remained undisturbed as he had taken a chair at the window and stared across the street at the saloon.\u00a0 He could not get the image of Joe sitting at the poker table out of his head,\u00a0 He could not have dreamed of a worse picture to see than how Joseph had looked to him.\u00a0 He prayed Joseph\u2019s mental state was better than his physical one.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had waited just as long as he could stand before he walked over to the saloon.\u00a0 He walked up to a very tired looking bartender and asked,\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m looking for someone, maybe you can help me.\u00a0 There was a young man in here last night who was playing cards at that table there.\u00a0 He went upstairs at the end of the evening.\u00a0 Can you by chance tell me where I can find him?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDepends.\u00a0 What you want him for?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm, well, he\u2019s uh, he\u2019s my son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re Joe\u2019s Pa?\u00a0 Oh well then, he\u2019s upstairs first door on the right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, and I am looking for a young woman named Kendall Mac Masters.\u00a0 Can you tell me where I can find her as well?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny?\u00a0 Oh she\u2019s just the next door down.\u00a0 Same side.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, trying to hold back from running up the stairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby had overheard the man\u2019s questions to his bartender.\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cSo ol\u2019 Joe\u2019s Pa\u2019s in town, eh?\u00a0 This could get very interesting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby quietly followed Ben up the stairs and remained in the shadows as Ben knocked on the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was awakened by the knock at the door.\u00a0 She quickly threw on her negligee and grabbed her robe.\u00a0 Joe did not move.\u00a0 She quietly answered the door.\u00a0 \u201cYes?\u201d\u00a0 she whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was surprised that a woman had opened the door.\u00a0 He was embarrassed.\u00a0 \u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry. I thought I had my son\u2019s room.\u00a0 Forgive me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked sheepishly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, and you must be Kendall.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes I am.\u00a0 Let me put some uh clothes on, and I\u2019ll meet you downstairs.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to talk to you before you talk to Joe.\u00a0 There are a couple of things you need to know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly, but where\u2019s my son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was Kenny\u2019s turn to be embarrassed.\u00a0 \u201cUm, he\u2019s here\u2026 uh he\u2019s asleep still.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had no idea what to say.\u00a0 Was she telling him Joe was in the room with her?\u00a0 \u201cOh good Lord give me strength.\u201d\u00a0 Ben thought.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll meet you downstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes of course.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the doorway just in time to see Kenny turn away from the door.\u00a0 That allowed Ben to catch sight of his son.\u00a0 Joe was sprawled out on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his waist.\u00a0 The scenario Ben had walked into was getting worse by the moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben waited downstairs in the Saloon for Kendall to arrive.\u00a0 Meanwhile, upstairs Shelby was having a few words with Kenny in the hallway before she went downstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKendall,\u00a0 Looks like the kid\u2019s Pa is here to fetch him home.\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t know anything about that would you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow would I know about that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny don\u2019t act stupid.\u00a0 The man knew your name.\u00a0 You contacted him didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo what if I did Shelby?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBig mistake my dear, huge.\u00a0 I\u2019m not letting that kid go without some money comin\u2019 my way.\u00a0 I got something on him now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean Shelby?\u00a0 You\u2019re lying.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh no, dear.\u00a0 I\u2019d never lie about something so serious as money.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you have Shelby?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the players in last night\u2019s game is willing to go to the sheriff and say how your playmate in there had set the card game up.\u00a0 Everyone saw them all playing together last night.\u00a0 And, I got another willing to say he witnessed Joe setting up the con.\u00a0 Your lover is gonna get some time in jail unless I get some money to compensate me for my troubles.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow much you want Shelby?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, not too sure Kenny.\u00a0 What\u2019s he worth to you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop playing games and give me a price.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThousand dollars.\u00a0 That\u2019s my price.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny looked at Shelby with contempt.\u00a0 She knew she had worked with him for the last time.\u00a0 She was going to be leaving Shelby and Sacramento just as soon as she could.\u00a0 \u201cDone Shelby.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get you a thousand dollars, and you let the kid go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I should ask for more Kenny?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, a thousand is what you said, and it is what you\u2019ll get.\u00a0 Now I gotta talk to Joe\u2019s Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBy all means!\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said, bowing to Kenny as she passed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny descended the stairs and joined Ben at the table.\u00a0 Ben was the first to speak,\u00a0 \u201cUm,\u00a0 I\u2019d like to thank you young lady for contacting me about my son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh you\u2019re welcome.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a real nice boy, Mr. Cartwright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow is he?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, unable to hide his concern from Kenny.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUm\u2026 well lets see.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny was at a loss to explain Joe\u2019s situation to his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI saw him last night.\u00a0 I was here when he was playing poker.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to help Kenny out by letting her know he knew Joe was in bad shape.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, Mr. Cartwright, I don\u2019t know how Joe was before he came to Sacramento, but I know that since he\u2019s been here he\u2019s had some difficulties.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben braced himself against what he was afraid he would hear.\u00a0 \u201cHas he been, uh\u2026 well let me just tell you a little bit about what my son has been through.\u201d\u00a0 Ben went on to tell Kenny about Joe and Rebecca, and Rebecca\u2019s death.\u00a0 He also told her of the difficulties Joe had experienced since Rebecca had died.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHas he been out of his head at all?\u201d\u00a0 Ben finally asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo not like you described,\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 He had a problem the first night he was here, and he was beaten pretty badly and was robbed.\u00a0 He was kicked several times in his leg, and it has caused him a great deal of pain.\u00a0 He\u2019s been trying to cope with that I think, and of course his fiancee\u2019s death.\u00a0 He\u2019s uh been having a very hard time of it, I\u2019d say.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKendall, how much is he drinking?\u00a0 I saw him last night, and I know he was drinking before he left home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell to be truthful, he\u2019s drinking a lot.\u00a0 And uh,\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright that\u2019s not the worst of Joe\u2019s problems.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said as she pulled out a small medicine bottle of clear liquid.\u00a0 \u201cThis is as bad or worse than the alcohol, and I\u2019m afraid Joe has been using a lot of it on a regular basis.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was uncertain what she was saying.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMorphine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMorphine?!\u00a0 You\u2019re telling me my Joseph has been taking that\u2026 that\u2026 that stuff!?\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s face had a look of sheer shock on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny sat and said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh God no, Joseph!\u00a0 No son!\u201d\u00a0 Ben put his head in his hands.\u00a0 \u201cMy boy.\u201d\u00a0 he said quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny sat with tears in her eyes. \u00a0She hated to have to tell this man about his son.\u00a0 She could see how much he loved Joe.\u00a0 They sat in silence as Ben tried to gather himself together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I am so sorry to tell you all of this.\u00a0 I know it is a shock.\u00a0 I\u2019m just very relieved you\u2019re here.\u00a0 I know you can help your son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI pray I can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAccording to Joe, his family has a pretty strong influence on him.\u00a0 You folks have kept him alive whether you know it or not.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure I know what you mean.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, a bit confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe told me something that I know he would be extremely upset with me if he knew I told you, but I feel you have to know for his sake.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright, Joe told me he had sat in the barn at home and held a gun up to his head to kill himself.\u00a0 He said the reason he didn\u2019t do it was because of his family.\u00a0 I think you need to know the influence you have.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh dear God!\u00a0 I had no idea he had done that!\u201d\u00a0 The revelations of how bad it was with Joe was almost more than Ben could stand.\u00a0 He had prepared himself for problems, but the ones he heard were so much bigger than he was ready to conquer.\u00a0 Yet, he knew he had no choice.\u00a0 He was going to have to save his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKendall, I need to see my son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take you to him.\u201d\u00a0 With that Kenny lead Joe\u2019s father to his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Part Four: Redemption –\u00a0 To restore oneself to favor, to get back, to recover by paying a fee<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kendall led Ben back up the stairs they had descended earlier.\u00a0 She went to the door he had knocked on previously, opened it quietly, stepped aside and watched as Ben walked quickly to his son.\u00a0 Shutting the door behind her, she retreated to her own room and cried.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was anxious as they climbed the stairs to Joseph.\u00a0 He had no idea how he would approach his son, given the devastating news he had received from the young saloon girl.\u00a0 He could only think of seeing Joe and reassuring himself he had actually found his prodigal son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once the door was open to the room where his son slept, he could not stop himself from rushing past the young woman.\u00a0 Ben knelt down on the floor next to the bed where Joe lay in a medicated sleep.\u00a0 For some reason, Ben felt hesitant to touch his son, as if it would make Joseph disappear again.\u00a0 He looked at his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 Present in his boy\u2019s face was the child he had seen delivered into the world.\u00a0 Also present, was the foreshadowing of the man Joseph would become.\u00a0 Ben began to weep for his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So much passed through Ben\u2019s mind as he cried.\u00a0 He felt the hurt of the death of someone he loved, the agony of having a missing child, the relief of having found his boy, and the terrible fear of the unknown, yet to occur between himself and Joseph.\u00a0 He cried out of the frustration of not knowing how to help his child who was in so much pain.\u00a0 He felt himself emotionally brought to knees.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was terrified of his son\u2019s appearance and what it meant regarding Joe\u2019s mental stability.\u00a0 He finally allowed himself to touch his youngest, and he reached out to his son\u2019s hair.\u00a0 He moved the hair out of Joe\u2019s closed eyes, as he thought of the numerous, now seemingly petty arguments, he had undergone with Joe regarding haircuts.\u00a0 Ben knew how to handle that kind of problem as a parent.\u00a0 But what he faced now was so much greater, and the stakes the very highest: his son\u2019s life.\u00a0 How was he to know what was best?\u00a0 How could he make decisions with such incredible consequences?\u00a0 He prayed for wisdom as he prayed for his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben ran his hand over Joe\u2019s cheek feeling the light stubble of Joe needing a shave.\u00a0 He recalled Joe so young, watching his father shave and asking when it would be his turn.\u00a0 Ben thought,\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve always been so quick to want to grow up, Joseph.\u00a0 I wish I could keep you small.\u00a0 It was so much less dangerous and painful for both of us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben slowly began to cry himself out of tears, but remained knelt next to his son.\u00a0 He needed to get Joe out of Sacramento, he knew that, and he felt it had to be quickly.\u00a0 \u201cSacramento,\u201d\u00a0 he thought.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it about this place that tries to destroy me?\u00a0 First I lost my land here those many years ago, and now this place is trying to take my son.\u201d\u00a0 Ben knew the way he felt was not logical, but he could not help it.\u00a0 He wanted to leave as soon as possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben thought of how he would get Joe out of town, there was a knock on the door.\u00a0 Ben rose, walked to the door and answered it.\u00a0 He saw standing before him a tall, gangly man.\u00a0 \u201cYes?\u00a0 Can I help you?\u201d\u00a0 Ben whispered, hoping not to wake Joe before he was ready to handle him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, maybe.\u00a0 My name is Shelby Butler, and I was wanting to talk to Joe one more time about the money he owed me.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby began his lie.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was confused about what this man was saying.\u00a0 \u201cJoe owed him money?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked himself.\u00a0 He looked behind him to check on his son and reassured himself Joe was still lost to sleep.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s step outside and talk, shall we?\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, and moved out to the hall, closing the door behind him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For some reason, Ben felt he needed to be between this man and his son.\u00a0 He had no idea why, but it was a parental instinct, and he was not about to question it.\u00a0 Ben positioned himself between the man and Joe\u2019s door, determined to make sure the man could not get in.\u00a0 \u201cNow, what is this about some money my son owes you?\u201d\u00a0 Ben questioned.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour son?\u00a0 Joe there\u2019s your son?\u201d Shelby asked, attempting to appear innocent to Ben.\u00a0 \u201cOh, well, uh, I don\u2019t think I should be tellin\u2019 Joe\u2019s business.\u00a0 He probably really wouldn\u2019t want you to know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt baited.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it you need to speak with him about?\u00a0 I\u2019m here to take my son home, so I will be tying up any of his business.\u00a0 If he owes you money, then I shall see that you are paid.\u00a0 Now what is this about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Mr. uh\u2026 I\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t think I know your name.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby probed.\u00a0 He was wanting to confirm that this man was THE Ben Cartwright he had found information on.\u00a0 He had discovered that Ben Cartwright was worth quite a lot more money than the thousand dollars he had negotiated out of Kenny.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s Cartwright.\u00a0 Ben Cartwright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby hid the smile he felt at the news of the man\u2019s identity.\u00a0 He had struck the mother-lode.\u00a0 \u201cWell, Mr. Cartwright, your son owes me quite a bit of money, as well as possibly facing some charges for cheating at cards.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know a whole lot about it but, the sheriff may have some guys claimin\u2019 your son has set up quite the con game around here.\u00a0 I hate to be tellin\u2019 you all this, but you asked.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben recalled watching the card game of the night before.\u00a0 \u201cSo, I did see it right.\u201d\u00a0 He thought to himself.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s no way Little Joe would be involved in something like that\u2026 But, then again, there\u2019s no way I would have believed my son would be involved with the drinking\u2026 and even less with morphine.\u00a0 Do I really know my son?\u00a0 Can I trust the boy I knew at home to be the one that\u2019s here?\u201d\u00a0 Ben felt confusion overtake him as he struggled to decide which image of his son to accept.\u00a0 Or was there another image somewhere in between?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow much money?\u201d\u00a0 Ben finally asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFive thousand dollars.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby said, without blinking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFive thousand dollars?\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried not to let his shock show on his face.\u00a0 \u201cAnd these debts, all from gambling?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Fraid so.\u00a0 The games here tend to be pretty high stakes, and he drinks quite a bit you know, and well I\u2019ve seen him, uh, you know take a lot of that\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben interrupted the man.\u00a0 He did not want to hear this man discuss his son or what his son had or had not done.\u00a0 Ben had a very bad feeling regarding Shelby Butler.\u00a0 \u201cYes, well, that is an enormous amount of money for gambling, and my son has never done something like this before.\u201d\u00a0 Ben went on to think to himself, \u201cThere\u2019s so much Little Joe\u2019d never done before he lost Rebecca.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI feel bad for you Mister, having a son that\u2019s well, you know, a bad seed, and I can understand your concern regarding the amount of money he has squandered.\u00a0 Maybe we should just let the sheriff handle all of this.\u00a0 The kid really deserves to learn a lesson.\u00a0 But I also know those guys who know what Joe did in the card games like him and all and, maybe they could be dissuaded from talking \u2018cause they\u2019re leery of the sheriff.\u00a0 I guess though, he should really have to own up to what he\u2019s done.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was beginning to suspect that Shelby was trying to blackmail him.\u00a0 There was innuendo in Shelby\u2019s voice, but the man had not come out and openly said that the men who were willing to bear witness against his son could be bought.\u00a0 It was not hard to see where Shelby was going with the conversation. \u00a0\u201cAnd if you get the money my son owes you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019m a very influential man in this city, and I\u2019m sure I can see to it that these men develop a bad case of memory loss.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby at last had spoken his demands and was very pleased with himself that he had laid his cards on the table.\u00a0 He had known enough about Ben Cartwright to know the man had been searching for his son and was willing to pay a price for his son\u2019s return.\u00a0 Shelby saw the reward money as negotiable and decided that Ben had devalued his son\u2019s worth.\u00a0 \u201cA thousand dollars was nothing to this man.\u00a0 Now, five thousand seemed much more fitting,\u201d\u00a0 Shelby thought.\u00a0 Shelby was banking on Ben\u2019s willingness to do what was needed to get his kid back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stared at the man feeling a rage come over him he had seldom experienced.\u00a0 This man had placed a price on Joseph\u2019s head and had threatened his child.\u00a0 There was very little that could drive Ben Cartwright into a white rage, but threatening one of his boys would send him there instantly.\u00a0 \u201cThis man is filth.\u201d\u00a0 Ben thought to himself as he struggled to contain himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had a decision to make, and he knew he did not have long to make it.\u00a0 It was only a matter of time before Joseph woke, and he would need to have all of his attention on his child.\u00a0 But it was obvious to Ben that this man was wanting to extort money from him using his love for his son as the sword over his head.\u00a0 He was unhappy with what he was about to do, but he also knew once he had Joseph back to the Ponderosa, and, he prayed, back in his right mind, then Ben Cartwright would deal with Shelby Butler in a most fitting and just manner.\u00a0 He vowed this man would pay.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll give you your five thousand, Mr. Butler, but you will do two things to get it.\u00a0 You\u2019ll write me a \u2018paid in full\u2019 receipt for my son\u2026 uh, my son\u2019s debts, and you\u2019ll have the men who\u2019re accusing my son to write affidavits proclaiming my son\u2019s innocence.\u00a0 You give me what I want, and you\u2019ll have your money.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, Mr. Butler, I give you this solemn warning.\u00a0 You threaten Joseph or in any way harm my son, or if I find out you had anything to do with my son\u2019s current state, there is no place you can hide.\u00a0 I\u2019ll find you, and I\u2019ll see to it that you\u2019re punished, and believe me, you will pay.\u00a0 I promise you.\u00a0 I\u2019m a man of my word, and there\u2019ll be NO PLACE I can\u2019t find you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby was taken aback by the intensity of Ben Cartwright\u2019s threat, but his greed drove him to discount it.\u00a0 He loathed the kid and had really wanted him to see the inside of a prison, or even better be shot down, but the kid\u2019s father had money, and that was Shelby\u2019s primary passion.\u00a0 He would stifle his desires for the kid\u2019s demise if the dollar amount was right.\u00a0 It appeared the father of the kid was willing to pay, so Shelby relaxed and became anxious for payment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Butler, I\u2019ll have your money as soon as possible, and you\u2019ll receive it when I have the documentation I requested.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go to the bank and arrange for a wire to be placed into your account, AFTER I have what I asked for.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery well.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright, I\u2019m glad to see you\u2019re a reasonable man.\u00a0 After all, we must all make a living, and your son has really taken advantage of both me and you.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure you will handle him appropriately, and the law really doesn\u2019t need to be involved.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have your requested documents shortly.\u00a0 And, if you were to have the wire for the money sent as soon as possible, our dealings will end shortly.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby tipped his hat at Ben and walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt a cold shiver as though he just made a deal with the devil himself.\u00a0 This man had in essence made him buy his son back.\u00a0 There was no price too great that Ben would not pay for one of his boys.\u00a0 He would hand over the deed to the Ponderosa, if it meant the life of Adam, Hoss, or Joe.\u00a0 This man had put a price on one of Ben\u2019s children.\u00a0 He cursed Shelby and vowed he would get even.\u00a0 No one threatened Ben Cartwright\u2019s child and got away with it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew there were several details he had to tie up before he approached Joseph, and they both left Sacramento.\u00a0 He did not want Joe alone while he went about his tasks.\u00a0 He knew Joe did not know he was in town, or his son would have never stayed there to be found.\u00a0 Ben also knew Joseph would be gone again if he caught wind that his father was there\u00a0 It was painful to accept, but Ben knew Joe was running from everyone, including his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked to the door next to his son\u2019s room and decided to risk asking for more assistance.\u00a0 He knocked and was immediately greeted by Kenny.\u00a0 Ben looked her in the eye and saw her eyes were swollen and red as if she had been crying.\u00a0 \u201cExcuse me Miss Mac Masters, but I was wondering if I could impose just one more time and ask if you could stay with Joseph while I take care of a few things.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want him alone, and he mustn\u2019t know I\u2019m here.\u00a0 He\u2019ll run again, and I can\u2019t let that happen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was glad Mr. Cartwright had asked her to sit with Joe.\u00a0 She was wanting a few more minutes with him to try and say good bye.\u00a0 \u201cCertainly, it\u2019s no imposition.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny immediately moved out of her room to the hall.\u00a0 Ben felt he needed to give her instructions to ease his own mind.\u00a0 He was very hesitant to leave the saloon, but he had to prepare the wire for Shelby\u2019s money, and wire Adam and Hoss to tell them he had found Joseph.\u00a0 \u201cKendall, please come get me immediately if you\u2019ve ANY problems keeping Joseph here.\u00a0 If he wakes, please do not tell him I\u2019m here.\u00a0 I will handle him when I return\u2026\u00a0 Oh, uh, I just remembered.\u00a0 I saw Joe limping badly last night.\u00a0 Do you know if he can sit a horse?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kendall had noted the anxiety in Joe\u2019s father, and she wanted to help put his mind at ease.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, Joe rarely wakes before about five or so.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be asleep for a long while yet.\u00a0 If he does wake, I\u2019ll stall him, I promise.\u00a0 He can\u2019t go very far believe me.\u00a0 And I\u2019ve serious doubts that he could sit a horse comfortably.\u00a0 I know he rode all the way here from Nevada, but I think it made his leg a lot worse, and then the attack really hurt him, so I doubt it.\u00a0 I can see that he\u2019d probably try anyway, but I just don\u2019t think he\u2019d make it very far.\u00a0 His horse is in the livery just down the street if you\u2019d like to get it as well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s always been a very determined young man, and I know he\u2019ll insist on riding a horse, but I will see to it that he rides in a wagon.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was stalling, not wanting to leave Joe for a moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, the sooner you leave, the sooner you\u2019ll be back.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, giving a verbal nudge.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you\u2019re right I guess.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll be back shortly.\u201d\u00a0 With that Ben reluctantly left his youngest in the care of Kenny.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny entered Joe\u2019s room and walked over to the bed.\u00a0 She looked down at Joe as he slept.\u00a0 She was struck by how handsome he was as he lay there.\u00a0 He was entangled in the sheets which rested around his waist.\u00a0 She remembered the previous night and smiled.\u00a0 He had shown her a world she knew she could not live without ever again.\u00a0 She had found what it felt like when there was love in the sex, and she now wanted nothing less.\u00a0 She knew he did not love her, but he was loving someone, and she could feel the difference.\u00a0 She knew she loved him, and making love with him had made her complete the previous night.\u00a0 As she looked at him, she thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cYou look like a Greek god from the drawings in books I\u2019ve seen.\u00a0 Huh,\u2026 my sleeping Adonis.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny smiled broadly.\u00a0 She was so grateful he had come to Sacramento.\u00a0 It was going to hurt badly when he left, but she had found answers to the journey she had undertaken when she had left her parent\u2019s farm in Ohio.\u00a0 She had wanted to find herself and she finally had.\u00a0 It amazed her that it took a kid really, no more than seventeen years old, to teach her what was important.\u00a0 She knew what she wanted now and would no longer settle for being used by men or for allowing money to be the most important thing to her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Kenny realized she had to tell Joe and his father what she had done, her mood changed.\u00a0 She knew she could not go on to the new life she wanted without confessing and accepting whatever Joe wanted done with her.\u00a0 She had to have a clean start.\u00a0 She began to formulate what she would say to them.\u00a0 How could she tell this innocent that she had set him up?\u00a0 How could she tell him, after all he had suffered, that she had played upon that and turned him over to Shelby?\u00a0 Kenny felt ashamed of herself.\u00a0 She eventually took a seat in the chair across the room and waited for Joe\u2019s father to return and for Joe to wake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had been restless as they waited at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Neither had wanted to talk about their fears regarding their little brother.\u00a0 Each had their own nightmare they saw when they thought of how Joe had been the last day either had seen him, but each kept it to himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s nightmare consisted of Joe having gotten in trouble and sitting in a jail cell.\u00a0 Hoss\u2019s consisted of Joe laying in a ditch somewhere having been attacked by people who wanted to hurt him, crying and unable to help himself.\u00a0 Little did the two know that their brother\u2019s situation was somewhere in between.\u00a0 Part Adam\u2019s nightmare, part Hoss\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both kept to the running of the ranch and seemed to others to be slightly distracted.\u00a0 Adam had ridden to the north timber stand, not once, not twice, but three times with the same message.\u00a0 The hands, aware of the problems currently facing the Cartwright family, given the very healthy rumor mill on the Ponderosa, accepted the message each time as if it was the first they had heard of it.\u00a0 Hoss had found himself short with the hands, something they had never experienced with the most easy-going of the Cartwrights.\u00a0 Hoss had barked orders, and the hands forgave him.\u00a0 It was as if the whole Ponderosa knew things were very wrong, because there were Cartwrights missing and Cartwrights hurting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben went about making arrangements to leave with his son, Joe began to stir.\u00a0 Kenny was feeling anxious and thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cOh no.\u00a0 Don\u2019t wake up yet, Joe.\u00a0 Just go back to sleep.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt sluggish as he stretched in bed.\u00a0 He had a bad headache and felt as if he had not slept at all.\u00a0 He dreaded opening his eyes because he knew the day was going to be like every other one to him: meaningless.\u00a0 He believed he had dreamed of being with Rebecca and longed to go back to sleep; back to her.\u00a0 He knew though, he would not be able to return to her so easily, so he reluctantly opened his eyes.\u00a0 He lay there staring at the ceiling unaware that Kendall was in the room.\u00a0 She did nothing to alert him to her presence as she sat and watched him wake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, my head!\u201d\u00a0 he said aloud as he immediately reached for the bottle of morphine on the night stand and took a long draw.\u00a0 He paused a minute, and then took a second long drink, but ran short of what he really needed from the bottle.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny watched him and shook her head.\u00a0 Joe definitely had a very serious problem.\u00a0 She finally spoke,\u00a0 \u201cYou know you CAN start your day without that stuff.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe jumped when he heard her voice.\u00a0 \u201cWhat the hell are you doin\u2019 here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny knew she had to think fast.\u00a0 \u201cOh, uh Shelby is on the rampage lookin\u2019 all over for me, so I guess I\u2019m hidin\u2019 out.\u00a0 Makes two of us now, huh?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny could not resist adding the sarcasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHa ha.\u00a0 Very funny.\u00a0 What\u2019s he mad about?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, sitting up and looking at Kenny.\u00a0 Without thought, he ran his fingers through his hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, who knows.\u00a0 Mind if I stay here a while?\u00a0 If he catches up to me right now there is no tellin\u2019 what he\u2019d do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t care.\u00a0 Fine with me, but I gotta get dressed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo go ahead and get dressed.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny flirted not taking her eyes off of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat means you gotta leave for a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Shelby\u2019s looking for me.\u00a0 Here, I\u2019ll turn around.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said as she stood and turned her back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe got out of bed, pulled on his pants and was reaching for his shirt when the door opened.\u00a0 He looked up expecting to see Shelby, but instead he saw his father standing in the doorway.\u00a0 At first he thought maybe he was dreaming, and he would wake up, but his father ran to him, and embraced him.\u00a0 He knew then, it was not a dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was shocked to see Joe standing in the room when he opened the door.\u00a0 He could not contain his joy at seeing Joe awake and standing before him.\u00a0 He grabbed his son and hugged him tightly as his eyes welled with tears.\u00a0 Ben felt Joe\u2019s body become stiff in his arms, and his child did not return the hug.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Joseph!\u00a0 I\u2019ve been so worried.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe I found you.\u00a0 I love you so much, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe pulled away from his father and started backing away from him.\u00a0 He began shaking his head slowly and eventually said,\u00a0 \u201cNo, Pa.\u00a0 No, I don\u2019t want you here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had an overwhelming desire to run, but his father was between him and the door.\u00a0 His heart was beating fast and he felt trapped.\u00a0 He began to try to formulate some way to get away from his father.\u00a0 Kenny watched the exchange between father and son.\u00a0 She saw a father so relieved and thrilled to see his son, and a son so terrified and about to panic.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, son, you need to come home.\u00a0 I\u2019ve come here to bring you home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHome?\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought and the panic increased.\u00a0 \u201cHome?\u00a0 I can\u2019t go back there.\u00a0 I won\u2019t go back there.\u201d\u00a0 He said out loud.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve wasted your time.\u00a0 I\u2019m not goin\u2019 anywhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, let’s sit down and talk about it.\u00a0 I know you don\u2019t want to go home, but you have to.\u00a0 You\u2019re destroying yourself here Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt the panic overtake him and he yelled,\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not gonna go anywhere, Pa!\u00a0 I\u2019m stayin\u2019 right here, and if I want to destroy myself, it\u2019s my business!\u00a0 I\u2019ll die before I go back there!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart skipped as he heard what Joe had said.\u00a0 \u201cHow close you have come to making that threat a reality.\u201d\u00a0 Ben thought.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cSon, please let\u2019s talk about this calmly.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s nothin\u2019 to discuss!\u00a0 Get out of here and leave me alone!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, knowing full well his father would not leave him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, please?\u201d\u00a0 Ben began to beg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 I can\u2019t!\u00a0 I won\u2019t!\u00a0 You saw what happened to me!\u00a0 You saw it!\u00a0 I can\u2019t keep it all away!\u00a0 I can\u2019t stop it, and it\u2019ll eventually just take me, and I won\u2019t be able to stop it!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you get it, Pa?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can help you.\u00a0 You and I can do it together.\u00a0 I\u2019m not leaving, and I will not give up on you.\u00a0 Joe, whatever it is, I will fight for you, and I\u2019ll help you fight it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll help me fight it Pa?!\u00a0 How?!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was furious and screamed at his father.\u00a0 \u201cJUST HOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME?!\u00a0 You gonna bring her back, Pa?!\u00a0 You gonna make it so it didn\u2019t happen?!\u00a0 You gonna give me what I want?!\u00a0 You can\u2019t!\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t help with Mama, and you can\u2019t help now!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was taken aback with Joe\u2019s last statement. What did Marie have to do with all of this?\u00a0 \u201cSon, please calm down.\u00a0 We can talk this out.\u00a0 What is it about your mother?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had no idea why he had said what he had about his mother.\u00a0 He was very confused, and it seemed hard to think.\u00a0 He felt enraged at his father\u2019s appearance.\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t you hear me?!\u00a0 I said I don\u2019t want your help!\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you to talk to me!\u00a0 I want you to leave me alone!\u00a0 You can\u2019t help me!\u00a0 No one can!\u00a0 I am just fine here, and you can get outta here and leave me alone!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou are not just fine Joseph.\u00a0 Look at you.\u00a0 You don\u2019t even look like yourself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t want to look like me anymore! I don\u2019t want to be me! I want to be left the hell alone and for you to go away!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was reaching a point where he knew he had to act rather than talk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe bolted forward and attempted to make his way through the space between his father and the door.\u00a0 Ben blocked his way.\u00a0 Joe tried to change course but his father grabbed him, putting his arms around him.\u00a0 Ben Cartwright was much bigger than his son and could easily restrain him.\u00a0 This sent Joe into a fury.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet me go!\u00a0 Let me go!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was actively fighting against his father, and Ben was having difficulty holding him because of Joe\u2019s wild movements.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop it Joseph!\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, his voice level reaching that of his sons.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 You let me go, NOW!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Father and son were locked in a struggle each was determined to win.\u00a0 It was obvious that Joe was becoming more and more irate as he fought with his father.\u00a0 Kenny decided she would step in to help.\u00a0 She went to grab Joe\u2019s arm, and without thinking to realize it was Kenny, Joe shoved her away.\u00a0 Kenny fell backwards over the chair.\u00a0 The noise of Kenny crying out as she fell, broke the focus between Joe and his father.\u00a0 Joe stopped struggling with his father and turned and saw Kenny on the floor.\u00a0 Joe could not believe he had shoved her.\u00a0 \u201cKenny!\u00a0 Oh geez, I\u2019m sorry!\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had released Joe when he had stopped struggling, but remained firmly planted in the doorway.\u00a0 Joe moved quickly over to Kenny and knelt beside her.\u00a0 She was stunned, but awake.\u00a0 \u201cAre you okay?\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m okay, scared me more than anything.\u00a0 Here help me up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe helped Kenny to her feet, and she straightened herself as she stood.\u00a0 She then started to rub the back of her head.\u00a0 Joe kept looking at her feeling terrible for what he had done.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, I feel awful about what I did.\u00a0 Here let me look at your head.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Joe, I\u2019m fine really, but please sit down.\u00a0 I need to talk to you.\u00a0 You too Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 There is something I need to say to both of you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s rage had passed due to his concern for Kenny\u2019s welfare, and he was willing to sit.\u00a0 Ben shut the door and sat next to his son.\u00a0 However, he remained watchful of his son, knowing Joe could try to leave again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I have something to tell you, and I know you\u2019ve every right to be angry with me.\u00a0 This is really hard for me to tell you, \u2018cause I feel so ashamed of what I\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was confused.\u00a0 He had no idea what Kenny was talking about.\u00a0 He could see she was upset.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it Kendall?\u00a0 I\u2019m not angry with you.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one that shoved ya, so you should be angry with me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe.\u00a0 You don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 Oh\u2026how do I say this?\u00a0 Joe, you remember the first day you came into the saloon?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d\u00a0 he said, and thought, \u201cvaguely.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 um, Shelby and me, we\u2019ve been kinda in business together.\u00a0 See, you know I told you I\u2019ve been here a couple of years, and Shelby sorta took me in.\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ve been helping Shelby run a\u2026um\u2026 a sorta con game with strangers who come into town.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was surprised at what Kenny was saying.\u00a0 \u201cWhat sorta con game?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell we, um, really Shelby, picks out people who he can lure into working for him.\u00a0 Sometimes without them even knowing it.\u00a0 Joe, he\u2019s done that to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Kenny I don\u2019t understand what you\u2019re saying.\u00a0 What do you mean?\u00a0 How?\u201d\u00a0 Joe showed no emotion in his voice as he asked the questions.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026 oh, Joe, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry.\u00a0 I helped him, and I let him hurt you.\u00a0 I know you didn\u2019t deserve anything he did to you, and I\u2019m gonna make sure he pays.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat exactly did he do to me?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was trying to think over the past weeks.\u00a0 Much of it was a fog to him, and he was not sure he could remember.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was told by Shelby to approach you that day in the saloon.\u00a0 You remember?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, when you were asking all those questions about me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u00a0 Well, my job was to find out about you and to tell Shelby what I knew.\u00a0 You weren\u2019t talking, so I got you involved in the card game.\u00a0 Shelby had two guys who worked for him in that game, and they made sure you won money.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe game was dirty?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah Joe, the dirtiest.\u00a0 And, uh\u2026 Joe, when you went out that night to leave, it was Shelby\u2019s men who beat you.\u00a0 He told me he was only going to have you robbed, but I figured out later he had you beaten as well.\u00a0 You were supposed to be robbed so he would leave you with no money, and you\u2019d be willin\u2019 to work for him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was finding it very difficult to remain silent.\u00a0 He was becoming furious as he heard what had happened to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cAre you telling us young lady that you helped this\u2026 this monster hurt my son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr. Cartwright that\u2019s what I\u2019m saying, and I have no excuse.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat looking Kenny unsure what to think or feel.\u00a0 He wanted a drink.\u00a0 \u201cWhy me, Kenny?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you look so innocent, and\u2026 uh, to be honest, because you\u2019re so out of it most of the time.\u00a0 Joe, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I tried to make sure that Shelby didn\u2019t hurt you more.\u00a0 It was like you were so willing to just drink and\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Kenny stopped talking and looked at Ben and back at Joe.\u00a0 \u201c\u2026the morphine keeps you so unaware of everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was immediately very uncomfortable.\u00a0 He knew his father was sitting next to him hearing what Kendall was saying.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWho gave Joseph the morphine?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, feeling as if he wanted to strangle this woman and Shelby Butler.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, um, the night Joe was hurt, Shelby told me to go get one of his employees, a Mr. Li, who had the morphine, and Joe started it then.\u00a0 Shelby\u2019s been givin\u2019 it to him since then, huh, Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe certainly did not want to talk about his use of morphine with his father.\u00a0 He felt the need to run again.\u00a0 He did not answer Kenny, and he turned his head way from her to look at the wall.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI feel really bad about all this Joe, and whatever you think should happen I\u2019ll accept.\u00a0 You need to know Shelby\u2019s had you playin\u2019 in dirty games since the beginning.\u00a0 You just didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 He\u2019s done it a lot of times, and I admit I let him do it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve helped him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo Miss Mac Masters, how much of the five thousand Shelby has charged me to get my son back do you get?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Neither Joe nor Kenny knew of Ben\u2019s revelation.\u00a0 Joe stood and walked over to the window and started looking out.\u00a0 He knew he should be angry or hurt or at least feel something, but it was so hard for him to feel anything except the claustrophobia.\u00a0 He watched the traffic on the street below and longed to be down there.\u00a0 He saw his father\u2019s horse tied to a wagon and the horse he had ridden into Sacramento stood beside the large buckskin.\u00a0 He knew what that meant, and he also knew he was not going to allow his father to take him back to the ranch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I have no idea what you are talking about.\u00a0 I told Shelby I was going to give him a thousand dollars myself if he would stay away from Joe and let you take him away.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny explained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the woman before him and tried to decide if he believed her or not.\u00a0 The whole situation was very difficult to understand or accept as real.\u00a0 Ben then looked over to Joe and saw him staring at the street below.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, do you know anything about any of this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not remove his eyes from the street as he spoke.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I don\u2019t, but Kenny\u2019s been real good to me, so I\u2019d believe her.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered his father, but then had a question of his own.\u00a0 \u201cPa, how\u2019d you find me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny spoke up,\u00a0 \u201cI told him you were here.\u00a0 There were some hands down in the saloon who recognized you, and I wrote your father.\u00a0 For that I won\u2019t apologize.\u00a0 You need him to help you.\u00a0 Shelby was going to have you arrested, and you\u2019d go to prison.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t let that happen.\u00a0 You\u2019re a mess Joe, and you\u2019ve got family who love you and can help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPrison.\u201d\u00a0 he thought\u00a0 \u201cGo to prison?\u00a0 I\u2019m in prison already, so what does it matter?\u201d\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cKenny, I\u2019ve told you over and over; I didn\u2019t want help;\u00a0 I didn\u2019t need help, and I wanted to be left alone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you\u2019re headed down a very dangerous road with the way you are acting.\u00a0 You have NO idea what you have gotten yourself tangled up in.\u00a0 Shelby is rotten to the core and willing to do ANYTHING to get money.\u00a0 He takes special delight in stripping a person of all they have and then crushing them.\u00a0 And you have created a huge problem for yourself with the morphine.\u00a0 Did you know that you can\u2019t just stop that stuff?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAgain with the morphine!\u201d\u00a0 Joe thought, and asked himself,\u00a0 \u201cWonder what Pa knows?\u201d\u00a0 He said to her, \u201cKenny I don\u2019t have a problem with morphine, and I can quit anytime.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t happen to want to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was intently watching the exchange between Joe and Kenny.\u00a0 He had so many fears regarding Joe\u2019s well being.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, what do you mean Joe can\u2019t just stop?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI had a talk with Mr. Li about this the other day after I knew you were coming Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 He told me that something happens to people who stop taking the stuff.\u00a0 They get very, very sick.\u00a0 They go though all kinds of horrid stuff from the sounds of it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was now beyond fear.\u00a0 What was going to happen to Joseph?\u00a0 \u201cDid he tell you specifics?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWill you two just quit talkin\u2019 about this!\u201d\u00a0 Joe jumped in, his irritation obvious.\u00a0 It\u2019s no one\u2019s business but mine, and I\u2019ll be just fine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was not sure he really believed what Kenny was saying, and if she was right, he wanted to hear it even less.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Joseph, we are going to talk about this.\u00a0 What will happen to him, Kenny?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked while looking at his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he said that after someone has taken that stuff for a while, it\u2019s like they have to have more and more of it.\u00a0 They take it and take it, and then when they stop, they get really sick, like they have the fever or something.\u00a0 He said it lasts for days and the person is out of their head for a while.\u00a0 He said that Joe here is going to have a real bad time when he stops.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned from the window and looked at his father.\u00a0 He could see the concern on his father\u2019s face and felt a pang of guilt.\u00a0 He was conflicted between what he wanted to do to himself and what he wanted for his family.\u00a0 It was all so mixed up in his head, and he struggled to make sense of it.\u00a0 He was afraid of his head and what happened to him if he did not have the medicine.\u00a0 He knew his father was going to take it away from him, and he did not know if he would survive his own thoughts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew he was headed for an incredibly difficult ordeal with Joe and that Joe was going to fight him every step of the way.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I want you\u00a0 to come with me to the doctor here in town and let him get a look at you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father wondering how he was going to get away.\u00a0 He knew he could not outrun his father for any distance.\u00a0 He would have to wait for an opportunity.\u00a0 He also knew he did not want to see a doctor and felt the doctor would probably only make the situation worse for him.\u00a0 \u201cAll I need is some doctor telling Pa more stuff like Kenny already is, and he\u2019ll never let his guard down enough for me to get away.\u201d\u00a0 He said to his father,\u00a0 \u201cPa, I don\u2019t need a doctor.\u00a0 I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo you will do as I say.\u00a0 You need to have your leg looked at and I want to talk to the doctor about the best way to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI said I don\u2019t need a doctor.\u00a0 My leg is fine.\u00a0 I can take care of myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that phrase Ben lost his temper,\u00a0 \u201cYou can take care of yourself?\u00a0 You can?\u00a0 Oh yes Joseph, you have done such a fine job taking care of yourself so far.\u00a0 Look at you.\u00a0 Would you just look at you!\u00a0 You have managed to create an enormous problem and it did not have to be this way.\u00a0 You ran off and left your home for this?!\u00a0 You really want this?!\u00a0 You can\u2019t be telling me that!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not want the life he had at home and he did not want the life he was currently living.\u00a0 He wanted to be living the life he had before it all went so bad for him.\u00a0 He wanted to turn back time.\u00a0 \u201cPa, if I\u2019ve made a mess of my life, it\u2019s my life!\u00a0 I left home because I couldn\u2019t stay there, and if I can\u2019t stay here then I\u2019ll leave here as well, but I will not go back!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Again father and son were escalating in their intensity.\u00a0 Joe defiantly looked at his father, and his father held firm to the look he held on Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSon, you\u2019ll do as I say, and I say you\u2019ll see the doctor.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if I refuse?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you refuse I will have Kenny go and bring the doctor here.\u00a0 Either way son.\u00a0 The choice is yours.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood thinking.\u00a0 He had to decide the best way to handle his father, so he could eventually break free of him.\u00a0 Joe glanced at the window and formed his plan.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll go with you, but Pa I want you to know something.\u00a0 There is nothing you can say or do that will change my mind about goin\u2019 back there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt he would cross that bridge just as soon as he had some guidance from the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cWell, Miss Mac Master\u2019s can you show us where the doctor is in this city?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny agreed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finished getting dressed, and then Kenny led the way out of the room.\u00a0 Ben kept firm hold on Joe\u2019s shoulder as father and son descended the stairs.\u00a0 As the three were walking out of the saloon, Joe saw his opportunity.\u00a0 Ben was to Joe\u2019s left and behind him.\u00a0 Kenny was in front of him.\u00a0 He saw there was a man standing off to his left, and the man appeared quite drunk.\u00a0 As the three exited the doorway of the saloon, Joe spotted his horse and eyed the distance he would have to make to get to the animal.\u00a0 He felt he could do it.\u00a0 He knew he had to try.\u00a0 It was not an effort of rational thought, but of desperation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stopped walking suddenly, and his father bumped into him, throwing Ben slightly off balance.\u00a0 Joe then gave a hard shove to his father, throwing Ben into the drunken man.\u00a0 Both Ben and the man tumbled to the ground, and Joe quickly dropped the crutches and made himself run to the horse.\u00a0 He was relieved to see the reins were tied so all he needed to do was give a quick pull and the horse was free.\u00a0 He threw the reins over the horse\u2019s head and mounted the animal in one swift motion.\u00a0 He jerked the horse\u2019s head away from the wagon and kicked the animal as hard as he could.\u00a0 The horse almost reared as it bolted, and Joe was away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was intent on keeping hold of Joe, but had loosened his grip after Joe had so suddenly stopped.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s shove had thrown him off balance, and he watched his son run away as he fell into the drunk man.\u00a0 There was a momentary wrestling match between Ben and the man, with Ben trying desperately to get the man to let him go so he could take off after Joseph.\u00a0 Ben cried out,\u00a0 \u201cJoe!\u00a0 Stop!\u201d\u00a0 to the rapidly disappearing form of his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was able to disengage from the drunken man and ran to his horse.\u00a0 He quickly mounted and turned Buck in the same direction Joe had left.\u00a0 He kicked his horse and was off, again in pursuit of his lost child.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew he had very little head start on his father, and he had to make the best of it.\u00a0 He was wishing he had Cochise because of her speed.\u00a0 He knew Cochise could out run Buck, but he had no idea how the horse he rode would do.\u00a0 He prayed he would at least be able to keep the lead with which he had started.\u00a0 As he rode he felt the pressure on his leg but was relieved there was morphine in his system to deaden the pain.\u00a0 He did not stop to think that the morphine would eventually wear off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had stood and watched Joe\u2019s escape and his father\u2019s pursuit.\u00a0 She knew that Joe could only get so far before he was going to be sick.\u00a0 She felt she had to follow and help them.\u00a0 She owed that to Joe and to Joe\u2019s father.\u00a0 She went over to the wagon and climbed aboard.\u00a0 She led the team out following behind the racing horses.\u00a0 She knew they would be far ahead of her, but she hoped that she would either eventually catch up to them, or the father would catch the son, and they would be turning back, and she would meet them on the road.\u00a0 Anyway she could be of help to Joe or his father she was willing to do.\u00a0 She felt she owed them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss made a point to begin tracking Cochise.\u00a0 The land of the Ponderosa had various types of terrain and the herd of horses Cochise ran with tended to remain primarily in the valleys.\u00a0 The herd had been there long before the Cartwrights and it traveled freely along the land.\u00a0 The Cartwrights would thin the herd from time to time and gather several that they would make riding stock, but for the most part the horses were there as part of the land itself.\u00a0 Each Cartwright had at various times found it an amazing sight to watch as the animals thundered over the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There was no sight of the herd the first days they looked for them.\u00a0 Both men would work a hard day at the ranch and then head out to hunt the herd.\u00a0 They would come home tired and were greeted by a doting Hop Sing.\u00a0 Hop Sing had been relieved when he had heard Joe had been found, but his heart said that the ordeal was far from over.\u00a0 He knew as did the rest of Joe\u2019s family, that Joe had been very\u00a0 distraught and irrational when he left.\u00a0 He prayed the boy\u2019s father could reach him and bring him home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In order to help ease the suffering of everyone, Hop Sing doted on Hoss and Adam.\u00a0 He cooked lavish meals and tended to their every need.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam had noticed it and each had thanked the loving cook for being so good to them.\u00a0 They knew Hop Sing was hurting too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On the fourth day of looking for the herd, Adam spotted them and quickly gave chase.\u00a0 The horses were rather far off in the distance, and he had a lot of ground to cover to reach the grazing animals.\u00a0 Sport stepped on a branch, and it\u2019s breaking alerted the stallion, and the herd was quickly running away.\u00a0 Adam cursed his luck and continued after the rapidly departing animals.\u00a0 He saw Cochise towards the front of the herd and knew he would not catch up to her.\u00a0 He had to pull up his horse and watch Cochise run.\u00a0 He had no way of knowing at that same time his brother was running from his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was on the trail a number of hours and had ridden hard, pushing the horse more than he knew he should, but he was beginning to feel panic come over him.\u00a0 He was feeling restless and agitated and had no idea why.\u00a0 Part of him wanted to stop the horse, wait for his father to catch up and have it out with him.\u00a0 But another part told him that it was unwise, and he needed to keep moving.\u00a0 Joe was beginning to sweat hard, although the temperature was cool.\u00a0 The longer he rode, the more he felt as if he was coming down with an illness.\u00a0 It had a gradual onset, and he tried to concentrate on the trail ahead of him.\u00a0 He had felt the morphine wear off soon after leaving town, and he was much more aware of his leg.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben remained in pursuit of Joe and prayed something would allow him to catch up to his son.\u00a0 He knew his son was an excellent rider and would push himself and the horse as hard as he could.\u00a0 He hoped that Joe\u2019s horse would tire before Buck and was grateful Joe was not on Cochise.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The longer he traveled, the worse Joe felt.\u00a0 He was beginning to feel nauseous and was unsure he could keep up the pace.\u00a0 He felt as if he was a wire drawn tight becoming more and more tense and restless.\u00a0 He thought of what Kenny had said in the room when she had spoken of his getting sick and said to himself,\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 You will not get sick!\u00a0 Keep going!\u00a0 Just keep going and it will pass!\u201d\u00a0 He had this thought over and over as he used it to focus upon, rather than the very ill feeling that was overtaking him.\u00a0 What he did not realize was he had slowed his horse.\u00a0 He was more focused on how he felt and it allowed the tired animal to back off of the pace at which Joe had been traveling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had no idea that Joe was slowing and he kept Buck running as much as possible, only backing off to a trot when he felt he had to in order to save his horse.\u00a0 He followed the trail and could see the fresh hoof prints of a running horse.\u00a0 He knew it had to be Joe.\u00a0 He was certain his son would not stop unless outside forces intervened.\u00a0 He had not long to wait.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt his stomach seize and the cramp was intense.\u00a0 It grabbed him hard and he almost fell off the horse.\u00a0 He knew he was going to be sick and lost focus of his riding.\u00a0 The horse slowed as Joe struggled to remain in the saddle and hold down the illness.\u00a0 He eventually gave in and pulled up the horse.\u00a0 He half dismounted, half fell off of the horse and was doubled over, violently ill.\u00a0 He heard the approaching horse and thought,\u00a0 \u201cWell you tried,\u201d\u00a0 as a cramp grabbed him again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben rode he could see the horse stopped in the road.\u00a0 His heart skipped a beat as he thought Joe had been thrown.\u00a0 As he neared the horse, he saw Joe off to the side bent over, head down.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d\u00a0 Ben called as he quickly dismounted Buck and ran to his son.\u00a0 Joe had not moved, as Ben ran to him.\u00a0 Joe was slowly rocking back and forth trying to calm his stomach.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, are you okay?\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI got sick s\u2019all.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be okay in a minute.\u201d\u00a0 He said, praying that would indeed be the case.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized what the young saloon girl had told them would happen to Joe had started.\u00a0 He had no idea how long he had been chasing Joe, but he knew it had been a while.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I think what Kenny talked to us about is happening to you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo it\u2019s not, Pa.\u00a0 I just pushed too hard with the horse and it made me sick.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said knowing full well that his riding had nothing to do with becoming ill.\u00a0 He tried to slow his breathing as his father put his hand on his back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben reached for his son for two reasons.\u00a0 The first to comfort Joe, and the second to hold on to him so he would not run again.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, take it easy now, you need to just settle down and relax some.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew his father had caught him and he was again trapped.\u00a0 He did not realize where the nervousness was coming from, but he was feeling anxious and his father\u2019s arm on his back began to bother him.\u00a0 \u201cPa, please leave me alone a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo I\u2019m not going anywhere.\u00a0 Not with that fool stunt you pulled.\u00a0 I\u2019m staying right here with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease leave\u2026\u201d Joe could not finish his sentence before he was sick again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both men stayed as they were and did not speak.\u00a0 Joe felt the nausea lessen and sighed.\u00a0 He wiped his sweating brow and finally stood up straight.\u00a0 He was tired.\u00a0 Ben watched Joe, his face showing his concern.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you\u2019ve got to stop this foolishness now.\u00a0 You\u2019re in no shape to continue to fight with me.\u00a0 Just stop it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father.\u00a0 He knew he had to stop running for the moment.\u00a0 He knew he had to give in.\u00a0 His leg was aching, and his stomach turned.\u00a0 Joe felt his fear as he thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cOh no.\u00a0 What do I do now?\u201d\u00a0 He said to his father,\u00a0 \u201cI give up, Pa.\u00a0 You got me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell son, I hate it that you look at it that way, but I\u2019m glad you\u2019ve stopped running.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe justified to himself he would wait until an easier time to escape.\u00a0 He knew he and his father had several days on the trail back to the Ponderosa, and he would bide his time until there was a better opportunity.\u00a0 Finally, the wave of nausea passed all together, and he breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 He was hoping that was the end to the misery.\u00a0 He hoped wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After gathering himself back together, Joe turned to his father and asked,\u00a0 \u201cSo what happens now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell I think we should head back to town.\u00a0 We can probably just make it before dark.\u00a0 The horses are tired, and you\u2019re not in any shape to ride hard, so we need to take it easy and head back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe walked over to the bay and mounted up.\u00a0 Ben saw his son wince noticeably and asked,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you sure you can ride?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, doesn\u2019t look like I have much of a choice.\u00a0 I\u2019m okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw a dejected look on Joe\u2019s face, and although he knew he was doing what was right, he felt bad that his son was only going with him because Joe had admitted defeat.\u00a0 Ben told himself that the days on the trail back to the Ponderosa would allow him to get through to Joseph.\u00a0 He knew he had to break through the wall of hurt and pain Joe had built if he ever had a chance of getting his son back, and his son regaining the desire to stay alive.\u00a0 Ben was cautious of Joe because of his having run before, but he also saw his son had surrendered to going with his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two started the long trek back to town.\u00a0 Joe did not talk as they rode.\u00a0 He would feel waves of nausea and then it would pass.\u00a0 He frequently had to wipe his brow and was feeling as if he was getting a cold.\u00a0 His eyes and nose watered.\u00a0 He could see out of the corner of his eye his father watching him.\u00a0 It made him uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben continued to eye Joe as they rode.\u00a0 He desperately wished that Joe would talk to him.\u00a0 He knew that he would have to instigate conversation, but was reluctant to go through the same exchanges that he had experienced with Joe since the accident.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Joe had reached a point of irritation where he could not hold it in.\u00a0 He did not know why he was so anxious, but he was tired of his father looking at him.\u00a0 \u201cPa, would ya please stop lookin\u2019 at me.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t goin\u2019 no where.\u00a0 I told you, I give up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at Joe and saw Joe was looking green.\u00a0 He was beginning to wonder if he could get his son back to Sacramento before nightfall.\u00a0 Ben thought \u201cIf Kenny is right, then Joe is going to get worse, maybe a lot worse.\u201d\u00a0 Ben pushed his horse a little faster and said aloud,\u00a0 \u201cJoe it is obvious that you are not feeling too well.\u00a0 Do you need to stop?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, lets keep goin\u2019.\u00a0 Get it over with.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said in a harsh tone, all the while not looking at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon after Joe spoke those words, he was again seized with a cramp that made him draw up his horse.\u00a0 He tried to keep breathing as he felt the nausea overcome him again.\u00a0 He had to get off his horse and quickly dismounted.\u00a0 Again he was violently ill and knew he could not get back on the animal.\u00a0 He gave in to the feelings of being ill and collapsed onto the ground.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I don\u2019t think I can do it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was immediately next to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, we\u2019ll figure out something.\u201d\u00a0 Ben knew he had no supplies with him, but he also knew Joe could not go on riding a horse.\u00a0 He was getting sicker.\u00a0 Ben could see it.\u00a0 Joe was sweating profusely.\u00a0 His son was looking more and more ill.\u00a0 The cold signs Joe had developed made Ben briefly flash to the time Joe had developed a cold and then milked it for all it was worth to stay out of school.\u00a0 Ben found himself wishing that was all he was facing.\u00a0 He knew he was headed for more dark times with his youngest and it made him worried.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, it\u2019ll be all right son, you\u2019re gonna be fine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Just then they heard horses approach.\u00a0 Joe was unable to look towards the approaching animals.\u00a0 He had decided he would focus all of his attention on the ground under him.\u00a0 Joe was starting to get concerned with how he was feeling.\u00a0 He had been able to keep the sickness away, but it took a lot of concentration, more than he felt he could continue to give.\u00a0 He asked himself,\u00a0 \u201cWhat happens when I let go?\u00a0 What happens when I can\u2019t stop it?\u00a0 Was Kenny right?\u00a0 What\u2019ll happen to me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked up to see the approaching wagon.\u00a0 He was relieved to see the saloon girl.\u00a0 She had come to their rescue.\u00a0 As she approached, Kenny could see Joe on the ground and his father next to him.\u00a0 She thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cIt must have started already.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKendall, are we ever glad to see you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben called out as she pulled the horses up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLooks like you need some help.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said climbing down from the wagon.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, um, yeah I think.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s tone indicated he was not at all sure he was okay.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, lets get you up in the wagon and we can head back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, uh okay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe really did not want to move from where he was and dreaded riding in the wagon.\u00a0 He was confused with the physical feelings he was experiencing.\u00a0 He was anxious and wanted to move around for that reason, but he did not want to move because of the nausea.\u00a0 He was not sure which part of him would win in his dilemma to find what would make him most comfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben helped Joe to his feet, and he slowly made his way to the wagon with his son.\u00a0 As Ben assisted his son, he felt Joe shaking slightly.\u00a0 \u201cSon, we can stop.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo I can do it, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded, not really sure what he was saying was true.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat in the seat next to Kenny, and the three began to head back to Sacramento once more.\u00a0 Joe wanted to cry out several times.\u00a0 He was angry and scared and hurting.\u00a0 The wagon ride was no better than being on a horse, and he did not have any idea how he could hold on, but he vowed he would try.\u00a0 He would not let his father know he was hurting as bad as he was, because then his father would know that he had a problem with the morphine.\u00a0 He did not believe he did and refused to accept that it was any different.\u00a0 He was not willing to entertain the idea that he had a problem, so he tried to will himself out of the withdrawal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was fooling no one but himself.\u00a0 Kenny and Ben could see that he was hurting and he was trying to hide it.\u00a0 Both felt afraid of what would happen to Joe as his body went through the loss of the substance that had kept him so unaware of his feelings.\u00a0 They had no idea what was in store and if they did, it would not have helped them.\u00a0 All three felt as if they were on a run away horse riding towards an unknown destination.\u00a0 Each was scared, but for very different reasons, and each would discover more about themselves when the horse finally stopped running.\u00a0 They would each have lost something, each of them, but they would have found something much richer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They headed back to town.\u00a0 Kenny thought about what Mr. Li had shared with her that she had been unable to communicate with the Cartwrights.\u00a0 She knew Joe was going to get much sicker, and it would be very scary for Joe, his father, and even Kenny herself.\u00a0 Ben focused on his youngest child.\u00a0 He would take the pain away in an instant if he could negotiate with God and could take Joseph\u2019s place.\u00a0 He would do it without thinking twice.\u00a0 His son meant that much to him.\u00a0 Joe thought of how bad he felt and the pain in him was justly deserved.\u00a0 He thought of how he had been responsible for Rebecca\u2019s death and then had tried to escape thoughts of her and felt guilty.\u00a0 He believed he was now being punished because he could not handle the guilt nor the pain.\u00a0 He viewed God at that moment as a punisher.\u00a0 He saw God as a God keeping score, and he was due punishment for the killing of his love and his choice of the ways he coped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They rode along until Joe again could not tolerate it.\u00a0 \u201cKenny stop.\u00a0 Please stop.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said as he was seized by the cramping.\u00a0 He could not tolerate moving in the wagon anymore.\u00a0 As the wagon came to a halt, Joe doubled over.\u00a0 The stopping of the movement helped him some, but he found the cramping to be getting more intense.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew they had gotten just about as far as they were going to.\u00a0 He rode Buck up next to the wagon and looked on his son with great concern.\u00a0 His eyes meet Kenny\u2019s and both knew what the other was thinking.\u00a0 They were in big trouble.\u00a0 Joe was going to have to ride out the illness where they were.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, son, you just sit tight here with Kenny.\u00a0 I am going to look around some and see if I can\u2019t find us a place to hold up.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was reluctant to leave Joe, but they would quickly be losing light and he needed to get them some place with shelter.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, take care of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Ben rode away to scout out a place for them.\u00a0 Kenny sat with Joe and tried to think of something to help him.\u00a0 Joe kept his head down and tried to brace himself against the next pain.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you\u2019re going to be okay.\u00a0 Mr. Li told me you would.\u00a0 Can I do anything to help?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, \u2018less you got morphine on you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said softly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What Joe did not know was Kenny did have a bottle of morphine with her.\u00a0 She had the bottle she had shown Joe\u2019s father earlier and had not taken it from her pocket.\u00a0 She was unsure what she should do with it and thought that maybe if Joe was too sick or was in danger of dying she could give it to him to help.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBesides, that Joe.\u00a0 You need anything?\u00a0 How \u2018bout some water?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The thought of actually eating or drinking made Joe\u2019s stomach turn.\u00a0 \u201cGod no, Kenny.\u00a0 Don\u2019t talk about that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you need to drink some water.\u00a0 Here I gotta canteen right here.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said reaching for the canteen.\u00a0 \u201cYou gotta get something back in you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I can\u2019t.\u00a0 It makes me sick just to think about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe try.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna need it, uh\u2026 later.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy Kenny?\u00a0 Why later?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, Joe I\u2019m just thinkin\u2019 of you keepin your strength up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t lie very well Kenny.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry \u2018bout it.\u00a0 I\u2019m doin\u2019 better already and it\u2019ll pass in a few minutes.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be fine.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to say with more conviction than he felt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow just who doesn\u2019t lie very well?\u00a0 Here drink.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny handed Joe the canteen.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He took a small swallow and was able to hold it down so he drank more.\u00a0 Kenny and Joe sat in relative silence as they waited for Ben to return.\u00a0 The time lagged and both were lost in their own thoughts.\u00a0 They were brought back to the present when they heard the sounds of horses hooves.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben appeared with a smile on his face.\u00a0 \u201cWell we are in luck.\u00a0 I have found an old hunting cabin not too far away.\u00a0 I checked it out and we can hold up there tonight.\u00a0 Joe you doin\u2019 okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yeah Pa.\u00a0 I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben took the lead and Kenny followed.\u00a0 The cabin Ben had found was nestled in a beautiful meadow.\u00a0 There were tall pines surrounding it and a small stream flowed behind.\u00a0 The sun was beginning to set and the trees filtered the light, giving the cabin a glow.\u00a0 The travelers\u00a0 pulled up and stopped.\u00a0 Joe slowly dismounted the wagon and limped into the small house.\u00a0 He felt the need to sit, so he deposited himself in a chair and starred at the fireplace.\u00a0 He wondered what would become of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went about unloading the supplies that were in the wagon and tending the horses.\u00a0 He remained ever aware that Joe could run away as soon as the opportunity presented itself, so he was determined to make it difficult for his youngest.\u00a0 Ben led the horses away from the cabin to tie them for the night.\u00a0 He had found an open area behind the cabin and he strung a line and left the horses to graze.\u00a0 He took the tack and placed it behind the wood pile at the back of the cabin.\u00a0 He felt bad he had to hide the horses and tack from Joseph, but he would not risk losing his son again.\u00a0 With that done, Ben left to hunt game for dinner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Kenny went about looking for things to cook, Joe began to wander around the cabin.\u00a0 He could not find a place where he was comfortable.\u00a0 He was beginning to shake and his stomach turned.\u00a0 He would catch a cramp and would tighten up in response to it.\u00a0 He ended up pacing back and forth occasionally wiping off the sweat on his brow.\u00a0 He found it odd that he was sweating and yet starting to feel very cold.\u00a0 His leg hurt to walk but he felt as if he had to keep moving.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny watched Joe and thought he looked like a caged animal.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, why don\u2019t you have a seat and rest for a while?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Cause I don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re making me nervous with all that pacing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re nervous!\u201d\u00a0 He thought.\u00a0 \u201cIt feels like I\u2019m gonna come right outta my skin.\u201d\u00a0 He responded.\u00a0 \u201cUh, I just feel like I gotta be movin\u2019, Kenny.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell then here.\u00a0 Peel these potatoes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to peel potatoes.\u201d\u00a0 Joe snapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome here and do it.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny ordered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes and walked over to her.\u00a0 He started peeling potatoes and would pause every so often as a wave of nausea hit.\u00a0 Kenny watched him out of the corner of her eye.\u00a0 She wanted to go to him, put her arms around him and help him through the ordeal, but she kept her distance.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe attempted to focus on what he was doing and ignore everything he felt.\u00a0 He needed to keep moving, so peeling potatoes helped him.\u00a0 Before long he had peeled every one in the sack.\u00a0 Kenny started to laugh,\u00a0 \u201cHey Joe, ya think ya did enough of \u2018em.\u00a0 We\u2019re gonna have a lot of potatoes tonight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not answer her as he put down the knife and walked away.\u00a0 He had to find something else to keep himself occupied.\u00a0 He was walking towards the door as his father walked in.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019re ya\u2019 feeling son?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked with concern.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh just grand, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said sarcastically.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019re you going?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOut.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo I need a reason?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you do, son.\u00a0 You\u2019re not going anywhere without me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine then.\u00a0 Would you like to join me outside?\u00a0 I gotta get some air.\u00a0 I gotta get outta here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben immediately turned and joined his son outside.\u00a0 Joe limped around looking at the various items left by others who had stayed in the cabin.\u00a0 He came upon an ax and some large logs stacked against the cabin.\u00a0 He picked up one of the logs and placed it on the chopping block.\u00a0 With ax in hand he began cutting the wood into smaller pieces.\u00a0 This allowed him again to concentrate on something and kept his mind off of how he felt.\u00a0 It worked only for a short time until the cramping intensified.\u00a0 Joe had to stop and give in.\u00a0 Ben was quickly beside Joe, which made him angrier, and Joe threw the ax down and limped back into the house.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The rest of the evening was spent in a very similar fashion.\u00a0 Joe was anxious and tense and it took little to set him off.\u00a0 He was unable to keep his supper down and was quickly ill.\u00a0 He then went about pacing and snapping at Kenny and his father.\u00a0 Both tried to make it bearable, but both knew at some level Joe was going to feel the pain of the loss of the drug.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three claimed their own place within the cabin and each went about keeping themselves busy.\u00a0 Ben had found a book that looked interesting and had picked it up to read after he realized any conversation with Joe was going to result in him being snapped at, and Joe angrier than he already was.\u00a0 Kenny too was giving Joe wide berth and was trying to determine what she could do as far as clothing was concerned.\u00a0 She had run off so quickly behind the two men that she had not been able to grab anything to make her stay a little less rustic.\u00a0 As she looked around, Joe watched her and eventually asked, \u201cWhat are you lookin\u2019 for?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, just something to change into.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to get out of this dress.\u00a0 It\u2019s not real practical around here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust a second.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said digging through some stuff on the bed.\u00a0 He produced a pair of pants and a shirt.\u00a0 \u201cHere these are probably too big, but you can see if they fit.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe handed her a set of clothing his father had gotten for him.\u00a0 \u201cThanks, Joe.\u201d she said smiling at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He stared at her blankly and said nothing.\u00a0 Ben had watched the exchange and said,\u00a0 \u201cCome on Joe, let’s step outside and give her some privacy while she changes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe made their way outside and waited for Kenny to call them back.\u00a0 When she called them, she had not meant for Joe to enter as quickly as he had.\u00a0 She had in her hand the bottle of morphine and tried to hide it from him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe entered and moved over to the bed and sat.\u00a0 He was shaking and finding it hard to not think about how ill he felt.\u00a0 He continued to have to wipe sweat away.\u00a0 He looked over to Kenny and thought she was acting strangely.\u00a0 She kept looking at him and she seemed to have something in her hand.\u00a0 She smiled at him when Joe looked at her.\u00a0 Joe did not smile back at her, but tried to figure out what she was up to.\u00a0 He lost interest soon after and attended to the fire, but then he saw her out of the corner of his eye.\u00a0 She had a bottle in her hand placing it behind a jar in the kitchen area.\u00a0 Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cNo, it\u2019s not what I think it is, is it?\u00a0 She brought some?\u00a0 She did!\u00a0 Oh, god, I need that bottle.\u00a0 No wait.\u00a0 Uh, Joe stop thinking about it.\u00a0 Just stop!\u00a0 You can\u2019t!\u00a0 Forget it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny looked back at Joe and was unsure if he had seen what it was she had hidden.\u00a0 She knew he would want the morphine if he knew about its existence and had tried to make it difficult for him to find it.\u00a0 She was unaware he had seen her hiding place and had plans to get it.\u00a0 It was one more struggle Joe would endure that evening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually the three turned in for the evening.\u00a0 Ben and Kenny fell asleep while Joe laid trying to sleep.\u00a0 He had reassured his father that he was okay and that Ben should get some rest.\u00a0 Joe was tired of his father watching him and was relieved to have his father and Kenny asleep.\u00a0 As the time passed and sleep would not come, Joe moved from feeling hot to cold and the sickness ebbed and flowed.\u00a0 He could not get his mind off of the morphine he had seen Kenny hide.\u00a0 He tried everything he knew of to not think of it, not desire it and not need it.\u00a0 The cramping and shaking were getting worse, much worse, but he had hid it\u2019s severity from his father and Kenny.\u00a0 He lay in bed trying to make it go away.\u00a0 He counted up to one hundred.\u00a0 He did math problems, which he loathed, and he thought of how to break horses.\u00a0 Nothing took his mind away from the thought that there was morphine just steps away, and he needed it.\u00a0 He eventually gave in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe made himself get quietly out of bed.\u00a0 He worked his way over to where he had seen Kenny hide the morphine.\u00a0 He was shaking violently by the time he reached the treasure\u2019s hiding place.\u00a0 Joe put his hand on the bottle and breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 \u201cGot it.\u201d\u00a0 he said to himself as his hand grabbed hold of the vial.\u00a0 Joe pulled the cork and began to drink.\u00a0 He tasted the familiar relief and began drinking heartily.\u00a0 Just as he felt the tension waive, the bottle was slapped out of his hands.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\u00a0 his father\u2019s voice boomed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not realize what had happened at first.\u00a0 As he realized that the morphine was gone, shattered against the wall, the rage overwhelmed him and he attacked.\u00a0 \u201cDAMN YOU!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said swinging at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was not totally cognizant of the fact that he was attacking his father.\u00a0 He was out of control and wanting to experience the relief of the medication he believed he had to have.\u00a0 Ben felt the blow land on his cheek and instinctively grabbed for Joe.\u00a0 He felt Joe pull back and Ben lunged forward.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe struck again, landing a painful blow on his father.\u00a0 Ben finally grabbed hold and held Joe\u2019s left arm.\u00a0 From there he was able to reel his son in.\u00a0 Joe was furious.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet me go!\u00a0 Let me go, DAMN YOU!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held on and moved Joe closer to him.\u00a0 He knew his son was out of control.\u00a0 He could feel Joe bucking furiously and fought to get his son under control.\u00a0 Joe was determined to strike out and was thrashing about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSTOP IT!\u201d\u00a0 Joe screamed.\u00a0 \u201cLET ME GO!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s anger was also tapping energy in his body.\u00a0 He would not be able to fight long, but as he was able he went forward full force.\u00a0 He was afraid and hurting.\u00a0 He thought the shaking and cramping was more than he could stand.\u00a0 Little did he know he had only experienced the beginnings of his body\u2019s protest against losing the morphine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was being torn apart by his child\u2019s struggle.\u00a0 Joe was fighting him and that in itself was painful, but that his child fighting him for morphine hurt him deeply.\u00a0 He had understood at one level what Kenny had described to him regarding Joe\u2019s need for the drug, but he only truly felt it at that moment.\u00a0 His son had attacked him to get the liquid in the vial.\u00a0 His youngest, who up to this point had only verbally pushed against his father during the battles they undertook as part of Joe growing up, had never raised his hand to him.\u00a0 Now Joe had crossed that line and was in full attack.\u00a0 Ben knew Joe had a murderous rage in him, and Ben was the brunt of it.\u00a0 He struggled to control the rage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was angry and feeling the effects of withdrawal more and more.\u00a0 He wanted to grab his stomach due to the increased seizing, but he grabbed his father instead.\u00a0 He was so very angry and held his father accountable.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had been awakened by the first verbal exchange between father and son and stood back watching.\u00a0 She felt her heart break as she saw father and son locked in combat.\u00a0 She knew neither would give way willingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe struggled he felt his body revolt.\u00a0 Although he had given himself the desired fluids, his body seized.\u00a0 He felt the cramp and was quickly doubled over in his father\u2019s arms.\u00a0 It was much more intense than the others he had felt and he was immediately sick.\u00a0 Joe lost the precious morphine he was able to ingest before his father had stopped him.\u00a0 He felt violently ill.\u00a0 He began shaking and his body violently revolted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, oh Pa!\u2026 Oh God!\u201d\u00a0 was all Joe could exclaim before he was grabbed again by his own body\u2019s fury.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held his son as Joe\u2019s body punished him for the loss of the morphine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, it hurts, Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, calling out to his one protector.\u00a0 The one Joe always called for when he was hurting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here Joseph.\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u00a0 Son, hold on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026\u201d was all Joe was able to express before he was seized again.\u00a0 As the torture died away, Joe relaxed but was soon grabbed again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh God\u2026\u201d\u00a0 was released from Joe before he was stricken again with the violent protest going on within him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had never felt so helpless.\u00a0 His child was suffering and he knew nothing of the problem.\u00a0 He saw Joe in pain and yet there was no bullet to remove, no wound to suture.\u00a0 His son had something wrong that Ben Cartwright knew nothing about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben moved his son over to the bed and put him in it.\u00a0 He was crying openly.\u00a0 He wondered why he had to see Joseph as he was, and why his son had to have endured the whole experience beginning with Rebecca\u2019s death.\u00a0 He longed for his child to return; the Joseph he knew before the accident.\u00a0 He prayed they would be getting a reprieve soon from God.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s withdrawal had entered a very painful, and unfortunately for Joe, long lasting period.\u00a0 The cramping began to be more and more present until it was constant.\u00a0 Joe was sweating profusely and tore at his clothes.\u00a0 He wanted to be free of the clothing because of the heat it retained.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, please!\u00a0 Help me! Pa please!\u00a0 I can\u2019t do it!\u00a0 I can\u2019t!\u00a0 It hurts too bad!\u00a0 Please!\u00a0 Help me Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Joe begged as he grabbed at himself and his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was in agony.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s cries tore at him.\u00a0 His son was hurting and he could not stop it.\u00a0 For a brief second Ben entertained the idea of sending Kenny for more morphine.\u00a0 His boy was hurting and he wanted it to stop.\u00a0 But then Ben knew it was because of the morphine that Joe was hurting, and Joe needed to be rid of it.\u00a0 It killed him to see Joe so vulnerable.\u00a0 He felt impotent as a father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny went to a basin with water, grabbed a rag and brought it over to Joe.\u00a0 She sat on the floor next to Ben and helped wipe away the perspiration.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, hang on.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be okay.\u00a0 It\u2019s gonna pass.\u201d\u00a0 She said softly to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?!\u00a0 I can\u2019t do this!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I am here and we\u2019ll do it together.\u00a0 You aren\u2019t alone.\u00a0 You\u2019ll make it.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna stay right here Joe.\u00a0 I won\u2019t leave you, and we\u2019ll do it together.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three endured the remainder of the night together and time seemed to stand still as Joe continued to fight through the withdrawal.\u00a0 He would cry out every so often and Ben would comfort him.\u00a0 As the sun rose in the meadow, Ben and Kenny were able to see more clearly the torment Joe was in.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s hair was wet from perspiration and his clothes were soaked.\u00a0 The pain showed in his eyes and he would periodically look into his father\u2019s eyes as if to draw strength from him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe fought the pain he moved in and out of reality.\u00a0 He would remain present for long periods of time, but then he would drift into a state in his head where he could not determine what was real and what was a product of the morphine withdrawal.\u00a0 The drug leaving his system caused his mind to create images that were not real and to have strange beliefs.\u00a0 Joe had no way of knowing that this was what was occurring and reacted to the images he saw as if they were present.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The withdrawal brought on behavior for which Ben feared he was again losing his son to madness.\u00a0 Joe had been relatively quiet for a long period, but this changed suddenly as he began to hallucinate, becoming convinced there were bugs crawling on him.\u00a0 He frantically tried to brush them off, but was not successful.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe laid in bed he began saying,\u00a0 \u201cGet \u2018em off of me.\u00a0 Get \u2018em off.\u201d\u00a0 He sat up with a jolt and began rubbing his arms.\u00a0 Kenny and Ben looked on and each had no idea what Joe was talking about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe son, there\u2019s nothing on you.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said trying to help.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGet \u2018em off of me!\u00a0 Help me get \u2018em!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGet what off son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you see \u2018em Pa?\u00a0 There\u2019s more and more. Get away!\u201d\u00a0 Joe jumped up and was out of bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben tried to touch Joe, and Joe immediately pulled away and started backing up.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t touch me!\u00a0 Get away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe backed away from his father until he was in the corner of the cabin.\u00a0 He looked at his father with wild eyes and Ben kept his distance.\u00a0 \u201cSon, what is on you?\u00a0 Tell me and I\u2019ll help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBugs, everywhere bugs!\u00a0 Get \u2018em away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben tried to take a step forward and Joe yelled,\u00a0 \u201cStay away!\u00a0 You did it!\u00a0 You put \u2018em on me!\u00a0 Just stay away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was making no sense.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s mind returned to the day before Joe left the Ponderosa and he became despondent.\u00a0 It appeared Joe was again lost in his mind, although Ben felt that this time was worse.\u00a0 He was genuinely afraid Joe was insane.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, come over and lie down.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to coax Joe back to bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNuh uh!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on over here.\u00a0 I\u2019ll help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you touch me!\u00a0 Stay away!\u00a0 You just stay right there!\u201d\u00a0 Joe commanded as he tried to squeeze himself further into the corner and continued to brush off the imagined bugs.\u00a0 He slid down the wall and sat in the corner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny tried to intercede.\u00a0 \u201cJoe?\u00a0 What can we do to help you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKeep him away from me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay Joe I\u2019ll do that.\u00a0 Now you gotta calm down and come over here.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny quietly said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u00a0 The bugs are there!\u00a0 No!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny sat on the bed and said,\u00a0 \u201cNo look Joe.\u00a0 They\u2019re no bugs here.\u00a0 Come back over here, and you\u2019ll be okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What Kenny said confused Joe.\u00a0 He could not see any bugs on her yet he believed that is where they came from.\u00a0 He looked at his father and back to Kenny.\u00a0 \u201cNo it\u2019s a trick.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna stay right here.\u00a0 You stay over there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny allowed Joe to have his belief.\u00a0 \u201cOkay Joe, stay there.\u00a0 What can we do to help?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not know how to answer her.\u00a0 He wanted them to stay away and not hurt him.\u00a0 He had hurt so bad and was trying to escape the pain\u00a0 \u201cYou want me dead.\u00a0 You know it!\u00a0 You\u2019re KILLING me!\u00a0 Get away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe it is me Kenny.\u00a0 Remember me Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u00a0 got Joe\u2019s attention but he thought he was talking to another.\u00a0 \u201cBec?\u00a0 Why Bec?\u00a0 Why?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked of her.\u00a0 He believed Rebecca was there.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy what Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy does it hurt?\u00a0 Where\u2019s my Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2019s not here Bec!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon I\u2019m here.\u201d\u00a0 Ben offered.\u00a0 He felt so sad hearing Joe call to Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked towards the voice he heard and said,\u00a0 \u201cNo! No!\u00a0 You want to hurt me!\u00a0 You\u2019re not my Pa!\u00a0 Go away!\u00a0 Go away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s words cut through Ben.\u00a0 His son had no idea who he was.\u00a0 Kenny tried to intercede.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, your Pa\u2019s right there.\u00a0 That\u2019s your Pa, Joe.\u00a0 Look at him!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at Ben as Ben looked at him.\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u00a0 No you\u2019re not my Pa.\u00a0 Go away!\u00a0 You brought it.\u00a0 You go away!\u00a0 Leave me alone!\u00a0 The bugs!\u00a0 Get \u2018em offa me Bec!\u00a0 Help me!\u00a0 Pa?\u00a0 Where are you?!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe allowed Kenny to approach and she did so cautiously.\u00a0 He grabbed hold of her.\u00a0 \u201cBec?\u00a0 Bec?\u00a0 Where\u2019s my Pa?\u00a0 Oh God Bec\u00a0 help me!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was screaming as he swatted imaginary bugs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked on as Kenny tried to help Joe.\u00a0 Ben was thwarted every time he tried to move towards his son.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe watched him closely and would not allow his father to approach.\u00a0 Ben was heart broken, though he began to resolve himself to the idea of having a son who was insane.\u00a0 He began to accept that his son, the son he knew before the accident, was gone.\u00a0 He would take the new son and give him a good life.\u00a0 He would never give Joseph up, nor would he ever stop fighting for his son, but he began to believe his son, the boy they called Little Joe was gone.\u00a0 He had a stranger in his beloved son\u2019s place, but it was still his son, and he would take care of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBec where\u2019s my Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe grasp held her tight.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2019s gone, Bec.\u00a0 I can\u2019t find him!\u00a0 They\u2019re gonna kill me, Bec!\u00a0 Help me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe what do you want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe answered,\u00a0 \u201cHelp me Bec!\u00a0 Help me!\u00a0 Where\u2019s Pa, Bec?\u00a0 I need my Pa, Bec.\u00a0 Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben called out,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, I\u2019m here\u201d\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u00a0 Pa?\u00a0 Help me!\u00a0 Come help me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could resist no longer.\u00a0 His son cried out for him and he approached.\u00a0 He hugged Joe, and Joe screamed,\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 No!\u201d but Ben\u2019s grip did not lessen.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe squirmed but soon gave in.\u00a0 He felt a familiar feeling.\u00a0 His father\u2019s hug.\u00a0 He smelt a familiar smell.\u00a0 He was in his father\u2019s arms.\u00a0 \u201cPa!\u00a0 Oh Pa!\u00a0 Oh God, help me Pa!\u00a0 Help me!\u00a0 Get \u2018em offa me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph. I\u2019m here.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna be okay, son.\u00a0 Your Pa is here.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take it away.\u201d\u00a0 Ben made all of the promises a parent makes a child to make them safe.\u00a0 He would save Joe from any dangers.\u00a0 He hoped Joe knew that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u00a0 Pa you\u2019re here.\u201d\u00a0 Joe grabbed tighter to his father.\u00a0 \u201cPa!\u00a0 I need you!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon I\u2019m here.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, as he crouched down in the corner with his child.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, stay here.\u00a0 They\u2019ll get me right here.\u00a0 You stay here and make \u2018em leave Pa.\u00a0 You can fix it, you can.\u00a0 You\u2019ll make it all better, and I\u2019ll be all better.\u00a0 You\u2019ll fix it Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Joe then cried out,\u00a0 \u201cNo Pa!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Help me!\u00a0 Where are you?\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had not let go of Joe since he was able to grab hold without Joe\u2019s strong protests.\u00a0 He spoke,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I\u2019m here boy.\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u00a0 I\u2019ll fight who ever needs to be fought.\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep you safe, Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, where\u2019s Bec?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019m here.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny took over.\u00a0 She had no idea if Joe would let her be his Bec, but she wanted to ease the suffering she was seeing.\u00a0 She knelt and finally sat on the other side of Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBec? \u2018Kay Bec.\u00a0 Stay here.\u00a0 Right here.\u201d\u00a0 Joe told her and continued to brush the imagined creatures from him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held firm to Joe and let him do whatever kept him calm.\u00a0 Joe shook violently and would at times call out, but as the hours passed Joe quieted and the exhaustion finally began to take it\u2019s toll as he became tired.\u00a0 His eyes became heavy, but he fought sleep.\u00a0 Ben and Kenny would see his head nod, but then he would reawaken and fight drifting off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben tried to help him,\u00a0 \u201c Son, you\u2019re so tired.\u00a0 Go on to sleep.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be here.\u00a0 You sleep for a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, I don\u2019t wanna sleep.\u00a0 The dreams, they\u2019re bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew of what his son spoke.\u00a0 Joe had developed nightmares after his mother\u2019s death and seemed to experience them whenever he was conflicted or troubled.\u00a0 Joe seemed to have great difficulty riding out the bad dreams and would struggle long hours trying to keep them away.\u00a0 It had been something that Ben had accepted and often used as an indicator to know if his youngest was troubled about something.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you\u2019ll be okay.\u00a0 Just close your eyes.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe fought sleep as long as he could and then it took over.\u00a0 His head finally came to rest on his father\u2019s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm so it intertwined with his father\u2019s.\u00a0 Ben felt his son\u2019s grasp and knew he needed to stay there, allowing Joe to experience the safety a child feels only with his father.\u00a0 All three sat silent and not moving as Joe drifted deeper into sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben listened to his child\u2019s breathing and only dared to move Joe when he felt the slow rhythmic breathing of his child deep in sleep.\u00a0 It was known within the Cartwright family that Joe slept heavily.\u00a0 It had become a family joke after Joe had slept through a minor cattle stampede his first time on out on the annual cattle drive.\u00a0 Everyone else had scampered to contain the herd and returned an hour later to Joe still sound asleep in his overturned saddle.\u00a0 He never had any indication there had been trouble with the herd.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben gathered up Joe in his arms and moved him back to the bed.\u00a0 He looked down on his child and wiped away the sweat from his brow.\u00a0 Ben was so afraid he had lost the child he had found.\u00a0 He again prayed for his boy.\u00a0 He prayed for peace.\u00a0 He removed the sweat soaked shirt from Joe, as Joe continued to sleep heavily.\u00a0 As he then laid Joe in the bed he pulled up the blankets, brushed through Joe\u2019s hair and said softly,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I\u2019m here and I love you.\u00a0 You rest now.\u00a0 Just rest.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The sun was setting as Kenny and Ben breathed the first sighs of relief they had in several days.\u00a0 Joe was quiet and seemed to be resting peacefully.\u00a0 Ben reluctantly left Joe\u2019s side and moved over to the fire where he and Kenny talked quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I must say, I\u2019m relieved you are here, but I\u2019m very confused over this whole ordeal.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure what to make of all of it.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure I can get past your setting my son up for that monster.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I don\u2019t blame you at all.\u00a0 I know what I did was unforgivable.\u00a0 I have no excuse as I told you earlier, and after seeing what Joe is going through, I have no idea how I will live with this.\u00a0 I do have to tell you that Joe has taught me so much, and I am changed because he came to Sacramento.\u00a0 I know he has no idea what he has done, and I pray one day I can tell him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, my son is a good person.\u00a0 All three of my boys are.\u00a0 I want you to know the Joseph that was here is only a shadow of my child.\u00a0 What I have seen my boy go through is almost more than I can bear.\u00a0 I see how you have helped us, and I am very grateful, but I also have a problem with your having hurt him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u00a0 I see how much you love him and how hard you are fighting for him.\u00a0 Mr. Cartwright, whatever you want to do, I accept.\u00a0 I know I\u2019m different now, but I need to pay the price for what I\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the young woman for a long while.\u00a0 He had seen her willingness to help in any way he had needed, but she was partially responsible for why he needed the help.\u00a0 Ben remained conflicted over the young woman\u2019s role in Joe\u2019s suffering.\u00a0 He did not feel he had an answer to how the situation should be handled.\u00a0 He knew what he would do to Shelby Butler, that was easy to decide.\u00a0 The law would be brought in immediately.\u00a0 But with this woman, it was much harder to determine the right thing to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had so many questions regarding his son and what his son had experienced while away from the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He was unsure he would ever have them all answered.\u00a0 He knew his son had been changed by the experience he had undergone.\u00a0 Joe had endured a loss of innocence that Ben knew he could not replace.\u00a0 He simply hoped it had not damaged Joseph to the point where he could no longer function.\u00a0 Ben hoped he did not have to pay that price.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben decided to step out to get some air and to clear his head.\u00a0 He had felt tears as he thought of Joseph and wanted time alone.\u00a0 As Kenny sat by the fire, she heard a soft moan come from Joe.\u00a0 She looked in Joe\u2019s direction and saw him starting to move about in the bed.\u00a0 She thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cOh no Joe, you have got to be exhausted.\u00a0 You need to sleep.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny moved over to the bed as Joe tossed and turned.\u00a0 It was obvious he was having a bad dream and she sat next to him.\u00a0 As he rolled over onto his stomach she reached out and began to rub his back.\u00a0 Joe did not fully wake.\u00a0 She spoke quietly to him,\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a bad dream.\u00a0 You\u2019re fine.\u00a0 Your Pa is here, and you\u2019re safe.\u00a0 Shhh, now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked back into the cabin and saw Kenny rubbing Joe\u2019s back and talking softly to him.\u00a0 For a moment he flashed to Marie.\u00a0 When Little Joe was small, Marie insisted his cradle stay in their room, probably much longer than needed.\u00a0 Ben would wake in the night to see his wife rubbing Little Joe\u2019s back and talking softly to him.\u00a0 She would then smile towards her husband and express how amazed she was at the beauty of their son.\u00a0 She would go on to say she knew that is how every mother felt, but she just could not believe the love she felt for Joseph.\u00a0 She never tired of looking and talking to their child.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s mind moved back to the present as he moved over to Kenny and Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIs he okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I think he\u2019s settling down again.\u00a0 He must have been having a bad dream.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny stood and Ben took her place next to Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eventually as night fell and fatigue set in, Ben laid next to his son and was easily awaken in the night as Joe stirred with disturbed dreams.\u00a0 Ben would comfort his son, and Joe would calm and drift back into sleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The dreams Joe experienced were confusing and made little sense.\u00a0 The withdrawal left his mind troubled, trying to make sense of pictures and images while he slept.\u00a0 He found comfort in the soft words and gentle touch of his father and the dreams never progressed to the awful nightmares which he so greatly feared.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Morning came to the meadow and the cabin brightened with sunlight.\u00a0 Kenny rose and was busy trying to put together something for breakfast.\u00a0 The smell of coffee made Ben wake, and he joined Kenny in preparing the meal.\u00a0 Joe remained asleep and did not stir.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben decided to let his son sleep as long as he could.\u00a0 He and Kenny went outside, leaving the door cracked to listen for Joe and sat for breakfast.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, I\u2019m realizing that there is really no way Joe can travel for a while.\u00a0 I need to get word to my boys at the ranch so they don\u2019t worry.\u00a0 I\u2019m very reluctant to leave Joseph to go to town.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Mr. Cartwright, say no more.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go and send the wire.\u00a0 You just write out what you need and I\u2019ll make sure it is sent.\u00a0 I can pick us up a few more supplies, and I can grab me some clothes.\u00a0 I reckon I need to help you for a while.\u00a0 I know I have no job to return to, so I\u2019m at your disposal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the woman, hoping he could trust her.\u00a0 She had been so helpful, but what if she abandoned them there?\u00a0 He weighed his options and decided to trust her.\u00a0 \u201cThat would be most helpful.\u00a0 Here, I\u2019ll write out the wire and give you some money.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben helped Kenny saddle the horse Joe had ridden and she was soon off towards town.\u00a0 Ben had contemplated what he would tell Adam and Hoss and decided to keep the reason for the delay somewhat vague.\u00a0 He was unsure what he would tell his two oldest about Joseph\u2019s current state.\u00a0 He did not want to alarm them, and he had no idea Joe\u2019s mental condition.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the morning wore on Joe showed no signs of waking.\u00a0 Ben finally decided he could stand it no longer and felt he needed to check on his son.\u00a0 He also had wanted to get some food into Joe to keep up his strength.\u00a0 Ben grabbed the food Kenny had prepared and moved over to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, son wake up.\u00a0 Come on wake up.\u201d\u00a0 He coaxed and shook Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe groaned and rolled away from his father.\u00a0 Ben continued to coax.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, come on time to wake up.\u00a0 Wake up, boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe mumbled and it was obvious he was half asleep,\u00a0 \u201cAwe come on, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know you are Joe, but you need to wake up and eat something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNaugh,\u2026 not hungry\u2026 tired.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, wake up now.\u00a0 Come on, roll over here and look at me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had never before experienced the level of fatigue he felt.\u00a0 He had slept many hours, but remained exhausted.\u00a0 He begrudgingly opened his eyes and looked at his father.\u00a0 \u201cYeah?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon sit up here and eat.\u00a0 You haven\u2019t kept anything down for days.\u00a0 Come on here sit up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe dragged himself into a seated position.\u00a0 He was numb from sleep and was quiet.\u00a0 Ben sat the bowl of soup on the night stand and handed Joe a spoon.\u00a0 Joe took it in his hand and moved slowly as he ate a few bites.\u00a0 Ben tried small talk but only was rewarded with only \u201cuh huh\u2019s\u201d and \u201cuh uh\u2019s\u201d.\u00a0 He wanted Joe to talk to see how his son\u2019s mental state was.\u00a0 Joe remained quiet.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked over to get Joe some more water from the kitchen area and by the time he returned to his son, Joe was sitting in bed, leaning against the wall, fast asleep with the spoon still in his hand and soup still in the spoon.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay son, you win.\u00a0 Go to sleep.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said smiling as he removed the spoon from Joe\u2019s hand and lowered his son back into bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny headed into town to send the wire and take care of some business.\u00a0 She was leery of Shelby seeing her, so she decided to be as inconspicuous as possible.\u00a0 She made her way to the telegraph office and then walked to the saloon.\u00a0 She went around to the back entrance and made her way up the stairs to her room.\u00a0 When she entered her room she saw it was in shambles.\u00a0 Her things were broken, and little was left of any value.\u00a0 Kenny knew who had done this, and she also knew there was a message in the vandalism.\u00a0 Shelby was now after her.\u00a0 She was very aware she had to be careful.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She threw some clothes into a bag and gathered a few things of sentimental value.\u00a0 She began to feel relieved that there was nothing left for her in the Cock ‘o the Walk Saloon.\u00a0 She was making a clean break.\u00a0 She then exited her room and went into the one Joe had occupied while he had been there.\u00a0 It too had been torn apart and the room was destroyed.\u00a0 She grabbed some of his clothes and a few things she thought he may want and then exited the Saloon from the back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Her final stop was the bank.\u00a0 Kenny made arrangements for all of the money she had to be sent for with a wire, whenever she reached her traveling destination.\u00a0 She was developing a sense of guilt with regards to how the money was obtained, and she wanted to think about what she wanted done with it once the crisis with Joe was over, and she paid the price for her willingness to collude with Shelby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny almost had a clean get away from Sacramento.\u00a0 Almost.\u00a0 Shelby was walking out of the Saloon when Kenny was leaving the bank.\u00a0 She did not see him because he immediately ducked back in the swinging doors and watched her.\u00a0 Shelby saw Kenny was wearing what looked like man’s clothes and walked over to a bay horse.\u00a0 He knew whose horse it was instantly, and he felt a rage overtake him.\u00a0 He had realized the kid and his father had run out on him, and he was trying to think of how to best manage the procuring of the five thousand dollars the kid\u2019s father had agreed to pay him.\u00a0 He would not be stiffed in the deal.\u00a0 Shelby saw it as they had made an agreement, and Ben Cartwright owed him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby had also come to realize that Kenny was gone as well.\u00a0 He did not know where she had gone, but he had not thought she would be with the kid and his father.\u00a0 He had thought that the father would take one look at Kenny, see her as trash and send her packing.\u00a0 He had no concept of how the Cartwrights operated.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Shelby watched Kenny go towards the horse, mount up and ride away, he formed his plan.\u00a0 He would make them pay.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had received the initial wire from their father when Ben first arrived in Sacramento and were informed Little Joe had been found and was safe.\u00a0 Both brother\u2019s breathed a sigh of relief as they read that Ben would be returning shortly with Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both had been in town taking care of various business when the telegram from Sacramento arrived.\u00a0 It was Hoss who was notified that there had been a telegram from his father.\u00a0 He was surprised to be told there was a wire, because he and Adam were expecting their father and Joe back any day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss read the telegram.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM (stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

DELAYED ON RETURN (stop) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

NOT TO WORRY (stop) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

HAVE JOE (stop) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

TYING UP BUSINESS (stop) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

UNKNOWN WHEN RETURN TO PONDEROSA (stop)\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

TAKE CARE OF HOSS AND RANCH (stop) <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

WILL SEND WORD SOON (stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

PA (stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss was confused by what he read.\u00a0 He wondered why his father not bringing Joe home.\u00a0 Hoss soon found Adam and showed him the telegram.\u00a0 Adam had the same question as Hoss.\u00a0 He was confused at what his father was doing, but he also knew that if there had been real trouble their father would have used the code they had developed years ago and would have asked him to look after Erik.\u00a0 Ben had developed the code with Adam just in case either were in a precarious situation and needed the other to know without other’s being wise to the clue.\u00a0 By Ben using Hoss’s nickname rather than his given name of Erik, Adam felt his father was telling him everything was fine.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey Adam, why you reckon Pa stopped and isn’t bringin’ Joe right home?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked, his disappointment showing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI have no idea Hoss.\u00a0 I know you really want Joe home, and Pa knows it too.\u00a0 Something must have come up.\u00a0 And, in a way, we\u2019re lucky, cause we still have to catch that wild pony of our little brother\u2019s.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had tried several times to catch Cochise and each time the pinto had out maneuvered them\u00a0 The pony at first did not allow them to approach at all, but as the days passed, Cochise would let them get close, but was quickly away before they were within distance of putting a rope on her.\u00a0 Little did Adam and Hoss know, Joe was relating to his father in a similar manner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slept much of the day.\u00a0 Ben would periodically check on him, and when Joe would stir, Ben was right at his side.\u00a0 Ben was grateful Joe had been given a reprieve and was able to rest.\u00a0 His son had looked so tired for a very long time.\u00a0 It did not surprise Ben the amount of sleep Joe was needing and did everything he could to make certain his son slept.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finally stirred and woke in the afternoon.\u00a0 He lay in the bed, eyes closed, as he came back to consciousness.\u00a0 He felt an excruciating headache and was extremely thirsty.\u00a0 Emotionally he felt very dark.\u00a0 Darker than he had felt since leaving the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He had no way of knowing the darkness he felt was enhanced by the morphine withdrawal.\u00a0 He only knew he was back in a very bad place in his mind.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His thirst finally drove him to open his eyes and begin to get out of bed.\u00a0 As he sat up, his head throbbed.\u00a0 He felt queasy and as if his arms and legs were made of lead.\u00a0 He looked over and saw his father sitting with a book, but looking at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Hey son, how do you feel?”\u00a0 Ben asked, showing concern.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Mmm, okay.”\u00a0 Joe said flatly, running his hands through his hair and standing.\u00a0 He grabbed his shirt from where his father had placed it and put it on, but did not button it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Can I get you anything?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I’ll get it.”\u00a0 Joe started to walk to the kitchen area.\u00a0 He found some water and drank it quickly.\u00a0 It did not seem to even touch his thirst. Ben moved over to Joe and was watching him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Need more?”\u00a0 Ben offered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Uh, yeah, I feel like I haven’t drunk anything for a week.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Well, you’ve been so… uh… sick and sweating and everything, I’m not surprised.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His father’s referral to the last couple of days made Joe return there in his mind.\u00a0 It had all been so terrifying, and he had not understood it.\u00a0 He questioned if he would be subjected to that type of experience over and over in his life.\u00a0 He believed if that were the case then there was nothing that would keep him from ending his life.\u00a0 He could not tolerate the terror any further.\u00a0 His family’s love would not be enough to save him.\u00a0 He knew that, and he began again thinking of a way to die.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben handed Joe one of the canteens from their supplies, and Joe drank heartily.\u00a0 Ben then told him,\u00a0 “Joe, I want you to eat now.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was not hungry but thought maybe he would not feel so weak if he ate, so he acquiesced.\u00a0 Ben sat quietly with his son as he ate.\u00a0 Joe was relieved to discover that his stomach cooperated, and he was able to hold down the meal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After eating, Joe stood and limped towards the door.\u00a0 Ben asked,\u00a0 “Son, where’re you going?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stopped, but did not turn around,\u00a0 “I was gonna go outside, Pa”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I told you before son, you cannot go out by yourself.\u00a0 I’ll go with you.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes and said,\u00a0 “Suit yourself.”\u00a0 He then continued to move outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben followed behind.\u00a0 Once outside and looking around, Joe noticed something seemed to be missing, and then it dawned on him.\u00a0 “Pa, where’re the horses?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I put them somewhere safe where you couldn’t get to them and take off.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned and looked at his father with a look of total disbelief.\u00a0 “You hid the horses?… From me?… You actually did that Pa?… Why?”\u00a0 Joe asked, knowing full well why his father had done what he had.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“So you don’t take off Joseph.\u00a0 I won’t let you run away again.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“You’d do that to me?\u00a0 You’d not trust me?\u00a0 I told you I gave up, and you did that anyway?”\u00a0 Joe was feeling angry, but not at his father’s lack of trust.\u00a0 It was because his father was watching him so closely and was cutting off ways of escaping.\u00a0 “What else did you hide?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joe you have taken off twice, and I cannot let you do it again.\u00a0 You need my help son, and you\u2019re running away does nothing to help you.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Am I now your prisoner?!”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“No, you are not a prisoner.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Well, Pa, I guess I should be, ’cause that’s the ONLY way I\u2019m gonna go home with you!\u00a0 I’m not going home Pa!\u00a0 I won’t do it, and if you happen to get me there, then the second I can, I’m gone again!\u00a0 I can’t go there!”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joe we don’t need to discuss this now.\u00a0 Calm down and relax.\u00a0 We’re not going anywhere for a while.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Nothing is gonna change my mind, Pa!\u00a0 Nothing!”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Joseph, son, please.\u00a0 We don’t need to have every conversation be a battle.\u00a0 We can talk calmly.\u00a0 We don’t even have to discuss going home right now.\u00a0 You are so weak, and you need to rest up first. We can wait as long as you need to get stronger.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood staring at his father.\u00a0 He thought,\u00a0 “Have you heard anything I just said?\u00a0 Do you hear me at all?\u00a0 Even if I\u2019m stronger, I’m not going back.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said,\u00a0 “Whatever you say, Pa.”\u00a0 And walked over to the chopping block and sat down.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat staring at the ground wondering how he was going to get away.\u00a0 He stopped his planning when he heard a horse approach.\u00a0 He looked up to see Kenny ride up on the bay.\u00a0 “Hey Joe, you feel better?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I’m okay.”\u00a0 He said standing and reaching for the horse’s bridle to hold the horse for Kenny to dismount.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I grabbed some of your stuff from your room and got you some more clothes.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Thanks for doin’ that.”\u00a0 Joe said with no intonation in his voice.\u00a0 “I gotta get cleaned up.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned to his father and asked sarcastically,\u00a0 “Do you have a problem with me going over to the stream there and cleaning up, or are you afraid I’ll jump in and swim away?”\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 “Maybe I’ll jump in and drown.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“I wish you didn’t need to speak to me that way, but no Joseph, I have no problem with you doing that.\u00a0 We’ll give you some privacy, but I want you to know I’m right here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Oh, I am very aware of that, Pa.”\u00a0 Joe said and limped down to the stream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The stream behind the cabin was down a small hill, and Joe could be seen if he stood, but if he knelt down, whomever was at the cabin would have to walk to the crest of the hill to see him.\u00a0 Joe knelt down to the water’s edge and scooped up water in his hands and washed his face and wet his hair.\u00a0 The cold water felt refreshing and he kept his eyes closed.\u00a0 He did not see the man approach him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was suddenly grabbed by the back of the hair.\u00a0 He heard the sound of a gun cock and felt it pressed against his temple.\u00a0 “Howdy, kid.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Shelby.”\u00a0 Joe said, identifying the man.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Ah, good.\u00a0 Glad you weren’t such a drunk you forgot your old buddy.\u00a0 So this is where you’re held up huh?\u00a0 Nice place.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“What do you want?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Just what\u2019s mine, kid.”\u00a0 Shelby said, pulling Joe to his feet by his hair.\u00a0 “Come on, up the hill ya go, ya crip.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe stood, Ben looked over and saw his son and Shelby.\u00a0 His heart was in his throat as he saw Shelby with a gun pointed at Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby looked at Ben as he ascended the hill with Joe.\u00a0 “Well hello there, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 I believe I have something of yours.\u00a0 And if I recall, you have something of mine.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Let him go, Shelby.\u00a0 You’re making an big mistake.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Oh no, it\u2019s you who made the mistake thinking you could run out without giving me my money.\u00a0 That may prove to be fatal for your bad seed here.”\u00a0 Shelby said, pointing with his gun at Joe.\u00a0 “And where is the lovely Kenny?\u00a0 Oh, Kenny, ya whore, get out here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had gone into the cabin to change clothes and had not heard Shelby until he called for her.\u00a0 She immediately knew they were all in a lot of danger.\u00a0 Kenny appeared in the doorway and moved outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“There ya are, Kenny.\u00a0 Thought you could just up and leave did ya now?\u00a0 Thought you could come play house with this drunk and his Pa, huh?\u00a0 You were so wrong there, Kenny.\u00a0 Ya shoulda known I’d find you.\u00a0 You so sadly underestimated me.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“What do you want, Shelby?”\u00a0 Kenny asked, trying to seem unaffected by the man\u2019s words.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Oh darlin’, you should know by now I want everything.\u00a0 And you should also know by now I tolerate betrayal poorly. You really thought you could run away with your lover here?\u00a0 Kenny, he doesn’t even know you exist.”\u00a0 Shelby started laughing.\u00a0 “It was hilarious to watch you in the saloon pining over this piece of garbage, and him not knowing you existed.\u00a0\u00a0 Geez kid, you were so far gone most of the time I’m not sure you knew much of anything.\u00a0 Let me enlighten you.\u00a0 You see Kenny here…”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had seen the look on Kenny’s face and knew she was on the verge of breaking down from what Shelby was saying.\u00a0 He interrupted Shelby, \u00a0“Shelby shut up and save it.\u00a0 What do you want?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe’s response enraged Shelby and he pulled back his gun and hit Joe hard on the shoulder with the gun butt.\u00a0 This resulted in Joe’s legs buckling some and he started to fall.\u00a0 Shelby held him up by his hair and continued to talk.\u00a0 “Oh Kenny look.\u00a0 Your lover here is defending your honor.\u00a0 Isn’t that sweet.\u00a0 Now lover, you’ll keep your yap shut and continue to listen.\u00a0 Where was I?… Oh yes, I was telling you about how Kenny here is in love with you, and she has this wild idea you care in the slightest for her.\u00a0 Now, I know and you know that nothing is further from the truth, \u2018cause I know what you care about, and it comes in a little vial.\u00a0 Oh I’m sorry, Joe, I should a brought ya some, but I had to leave in a hurry to follow Kenny here.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been standing, ever watchful of Shelby and also sizing up the situation.\u00a0 He knew he had a gun behind the woodpile with the tack and the woodpile was not that far from him.\u00a0 He had to figure a way to get the gun and get Shelby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow this is what is gonna happen here, folks.\u201d Shelby had a wicked grin on his face as he first talked to Ben and then to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cCartwright, you are gonna get me my money, and you are gonna be quick about it.\u00a0 You see, I really hate this brat of yours and would love to put a bullet in him and be done with it, but for some reason you seem to think he\u2019s worth saving.\u00a0 Seems to me, he\u2019s a spoiled rich kid who has no self control.\u00a0 Well, spoiled rich kid, I think you should be humbled some.\u00a0 What do you think?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Shelby kicked the back of Joe\u2019s knees, and Joe fell into a kneeling position.\u00a0 Shelby remained holding Joe by the hair, and he then put the gun back up to Joe\u2019s temple.\u00a0 \u201cHey, this is much better.\u00a0 I like it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had been listening to Shelby, but it was hard for him to be afraid.\u00a0 The darkness he was feeling made him believe that he deserved what Shelby was doing.\u00a0 The withdrawal from the drug left him confused and unable to think very clearly.\u00a0 The more he listened to Shelby, the more he did not resist him, and the more he began to believe him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is what is gonna happen.\u201d\u00a0 Shelby instructed.\u00a0 \u201cCartwright, you will ride into town.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have three hours to go there and come back.\u00a0 In town, you get me my money.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care if you rob a bank to do it.\u00a0 Just get it.\u00a0 Meanwhile, me, and Kenny, and Joe are gonna hold tight here.\u00a0 If you\u2019re late, or bring anyone back with you, the brat will have a bullet in his head.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben asked a question to stall for time.\u00a0 \u201cHow do I know you will not kill him while I\u2019m gone?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat you don\u2019t.\u00a0 Will make for an anxious ride I know, but, well, I don\u2019t care now do I?\u00a0 You know Cartwright, I still don\u2019t get it.\u00a0 You could just write this kid of yours off and be rid of one huge problem.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby then pulled Joe\u2019s head back so that Joe and he were looking at each other.\u00a0 \u201cHey kid.\u00a0 Why do you limp?\u00a0 You done somethin\u2019 you shouldn\u2019t have?\u00a0 You go gettin\u2019 into trouble?\u00a0 I bet you messed up big and got the limp to prove it.\u00a0 You know Joe I bet you are the cause of a lot of heartache now aren\u2019t you?\u00a0 I bet you\u2019re the bad apple that has broke your poor Pappy\u2019s heart.\u00a0 And where\u2019s your ma?\u00a0 She die of embarrassment over you, or she home sick with grief over the waste of life she spawned?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby\u2019s words were affecting Joe.\u00a0 He was saying all of what Joe felt about himself.\u00a0 Joe believed he had caused a lot of heartache and did not struggle at all with Shelby.\u00a0 He started to surrender to the man and realized this was what he had wanted.\u00a0 Shelby would be his savior.\u00a0 Shelby would end the pain, and Joe would be free.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched Joe as Shelby talked.\u00a0 His son had always been a fighter and what he saw scared him.\u00a0 Joe was listening almost as if he was hypnotized by the evil man\u2019s words.\u00a0 Ben watched as Joe submitted to the vile words spoken.\u00a0 Ben knew things were becoming extremely dire.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was also seeing what was happening to Joe.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s body posture changed.\u00a0 His shoulders slumped, and his body was almost limp.\u00a0 While Shelby was focused on shaming Joe, Kenny looked over at Ben and caught his eye.\u00a0 Ben motioned with his head to the woodpile.\u00a0 Kenny saw the butt of a gun visible to her and Ben.\u00a0 She knew Ben was planning something.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Just then Joe spoke,\u00a0 \u201cShoot me, Shelby.\u00a0 Shoot me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

No one could believe what Joe had said.\u00a0 Shelby asked, \u201cWhat did you say?\u201d questioning what he had heard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSHOOT ME!\u201d\u00a0 Joe screamed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shelby was trying to make sense of what Joe had yelled when Ben realized he had the distraction he needed.\u00a0 Ben dove for the woodpile and felt his hand grab the gun.\u00a0 He knew he had very little time and only one chance to hit Shelby before Shelby had a chance to shoot Joe.\u00a0 Ben took the shot.\u00a0 Shelby fell backwards and his gun discharged sending a bullet harmlessly into the air.\u00a0 Shelby\u2019s hand remained grasped to Joe\u2019s hair, so Joe was pulled backwards with Shelby.\u00a0 Shelby lost grip of his gun and it sailed through the air landing away from the dead man and Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was momentarily stunned and did not move.\u00a0 As he realized what had happened, and he was still alive, desperation set in.\u00a0 He rolled over onto his stomach and started to rise.\u00a0 He then looked up and saw Shelby\u2019s gun laying in the grass.\u00a0 The confusion and darkness were driving him.\u00a0 He had to get the gun and end it he told himself.\u00a0 He began to crawl towards the weapon.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Kenny saw what Joe was going for and both ran to the gun.\u00a0 Joe was about to reach out for it when Ben grabbed it.\u00a0 \u201cNo Joseph!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe fell onto his stomach and put his arms around his head.\u00a0 He spoke quietly to his father, all the while staring at the ground.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s right Pa.\u00a0 Shelby\u2019s right.\u00a0 I need to die.\u00a0 I want to die.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went to his son and placed a hand on Joe\u2019s back.\u00a0 \u201cBut Joe, he wasn\u2019t right.\u00a0 You can\u2019t die.\u00a0 I can\u2019t lose you.\u00a0\u00a0 Hoss and Adam can\u2019t lose you.\u00a0 Shelby was wrong, boy.\u00a0 You\u2019ve given me so much joy when you were home and heartache is all I have felt since you have been gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I killed her, and I don\u2019t wanna live with it anymore.\u00a0 I don\u2019t wanna keep it in me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t wanna live.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you don\u2019t have to keep it in you.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you have been so wrong in all of this.\u00a0 Why do you think you have to keep it all to yourself?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that question, Joe lifted his head and looked at his father.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa.\u00a0 I just have to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you do this so much.\u00a0 You carry your burdens all alone, and they eat you up.\u00a0 You can ask for help, and it will be there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened to his father, but there was something that held him back and made him doubt what he heard.\u00a0 He had no idea why he doubted, but he did.\u00a0 He was confused.\u00a0 There were so many jumbled thoughts and feelings blended together.\u00a0 He felt leery of his father.\u00a0 He believed he could not talk to him.\u00a0 \u201cPa, we\u2019ve gone over this and over this.\u00a0 When it got so bad at home you saw what happened.\u00a0 You know there is something in me that is uh\u2026 uh\u2026 god, I don\u2019t even know what to call it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want that in me, and I don\u2019t want to talk about it.\u00a0 All I do want is to be with her, and it is the only thing that would fix it all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow would it fix it son?\u201d\u00a0 Ben wanted to encourage Joe to talk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hesitated before speaking.\u00a0 He wanted to stop talking.\u00a0 He wanted to push away.\u00a0 He rolled over and sat up facing away from his father.\u00a0 \u201cIt just would, Pa.\u00a0 It would.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd son, how am I supposed to go on if you are dead?\u00a0 How are Hoss and Adam supposed to go on?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His father\u2019s questions made him feel guilty.\u00a0 He did not want to think of what he was being asked.\u00a0 \u201cIf it had happened the way it was supposed to Pa I would have been, uh,\u2026 by now we would have been,\u2026 uh\u2026I wouldn\u2019t have lived there anyway.\u00a0 I would have been\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe trailed his words off.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMarried?\u201d\u00a0 Ben helped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe said nothing as he flinched at the word his father had spoken.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you being married and off with your own family is very different than you being dead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe allowed his mind to briefly think how his life would have been if Rebecca was still with him.\u00a0 His thoughts were of making a home, laughing through life and loving each other.\u00a0 He wanted that life.\u00a0 Joe thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cI wanted the happily ever after.\u00a0 To be truthful, I still do.\u00a0 I want it with her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He said to his father,\u00a0 \u201cPa, I\u2019m really tired.\u00a0 We keep talking about the same things, and I don\u2019t see it any different.\u00a0 You don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to talk about it anymore.\u201d\u00a0 And with that he stood up and walked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his child\u2019s back as he watched him put more distance between them.\u00a0 He thought of what he had seen and heard with Shelby.\u00a0 His son had actually said, \u201cshoot me.\u201d\u00a0 He could hardly believe it.\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, my boy, I don\u2019t want you dead.\u00a0 You scare me to death.\u00a0 I can\u2019t lose you son.\u00a0 You are my boy.\u00a0 You\u2019re supposed to outlive me.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to reach you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe moved to sit on the grass much further away.\u00a0 Ben could see him, so he did not protest.\u00a0 Joe sat in the same spot the remainder of the day.\u00a0 He was very tired, but refused to give in to it.\u00a0 He thought of so much.\u00a0 His life at home, his of love of Rebecca, and for some strange reason his mind kept returning to the death of his mother.\u00a0 He had no idea what it all meant.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny volunteered to go after the sheriff and had taken off again for the city soon after Ben and Joe\u2019s discussion ended.\u00a0 The sheriff arrived with Kenny after night fall.\u00a0 He took statements from the three and took away Shelby\u2019s body.\u00a0 Nothing was mentioned of Kenny\u2019s involvement with Shelby.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe remained quiet through the evening and when it was time for bed, he laid staring at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep.\u00a0 He rested peacefully, and the first part of the night was free of dreams.\u00a0 Then it came.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe and Rebecca were in their meadow together.\u00a0 Rebecca was reading to Joe.\u00a0 He had his head in her lap and she was running her hands through his hair, and he was thoughtlessly playing with hers.\u00a0 The only thing that did not quite make sense to him was he smelled rose water.\u00a0 It did not bother him, but that smell did not belong with Rebecca. He felt so happy and content.\u00a0 There was a peacefulness that he seldom felt as he lay there listening to her.\u00a0 Her voice was calm and hypnotizing, and he heard a southern accent.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rebecca moved him from her lap, and she stood.\u00a0 She walked away.\u00a0 Joe was suddenly at the lake and started looking for Rebecca.\u00a0 He had a feeling she was there, but he could not find her.\u00a0 He walked towards his mother\u2019s grave and there was a woman with her back to him standing where the grave should be.\u00a0 He suddenly felt desperate to have her turn around.\u00a0 He wondered if it was Rebecca.\u00a0 As he approached her, his father appeared and grabbed his arm and pulled him away.\u00a0 He struggled and fought to get to the woman, but his father was winning the tug-of-war.\u00a0 He tried to talk to his father and tell him what he needed.\u00a0 He needed help in getting to the woman, but when he looked at his father, his father had no ears.\u00a0 His father could not hear him.\u00a0 He felt afraid.\u00a0 He desperately wanted his father to hear him and stop pulling him away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He broke free of his father and ran to the woman.\u00a0 He turned her around and it was his mother\u2019s face he saw before him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His mother did not speak, but pointed to the tombstone that was next to her.\u00a0 It had the wedding invitation on it.\u00a0 The epitaph read, \u201cMurdered by Joseph Cartwright\u201d.\u00a0 She turned and walked away from him.\u00a0 He looked at his father who was also walking away.\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, come back!\u00a0 Come back! I need you\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, son, wake up.\u00a0 Wake up.\u00a0 You\u2019re having a bad dream.\u00a0 Wake up now.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was trying to pull Joe out of the thickness of the dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe bolted up right into his father\u2019s arms.\u00a0 He wrapped his arms around his father and held on tight.\u00a0 He felt young and afraid.\u00a0 He was relieved his father was there.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re okay, son.\u00a0 It was just a dream.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, feeling Joe trembling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two sat in an embrace for a moment, and then Joe pulled away.\u00a0 \u201cUh, sorry \u2018bout that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t need to be sorry, Joe.\u00a0 You want to talk about it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was just a dream.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know in the past it helped you to talk about it.\u00a0 Tell me what the dream was about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father and was trying to decide if he would share the dream.\u00a0 It had disturbed him deeply.\u00a0 He decided to share what he had dreamt.\u00a0 As he told the dream he shook.\u00a0 Ben listened attentively and said nothing until Joe had finished speaking.\u00a0 He was unsure of what the dream meant and was not certain how best to help.\u00a0 \u201cSon, thank you for telling me.\u00a0 Is there anything I can do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew what he wanted his father to do, but he felt foolish to even ask it.\u00a0 He felt he was supposed to be grown, yet what he wanted was something a child would want and was hesitant to ask.\u00a0 He wondered what his father would think of him.\u00a0 He lowered his head embarrassed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben lifted his son\u2019s chin.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 could you, um\u2026 would you, ah, sleep next to me, Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt encouraged.\u00a0 This was the first time his son had asked for help since the accident.\u00a0 \u201cCertainly, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben laid next to his son.\u00a0 Joe felt himself begin to relax, and he finally fell back asleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Morning arrived, and Joe woke slowly.\u00a0 He did not hear anything in the cabin and opened his eyes to see that it was empty.\u00a0 He immediately felt panicked.\u00a0 He jumped out of bed and moved as quickly as he could to the door and looked outside.\u00a0 He saw his father sitting, talking with Kenny.\u00a0 He felt the panic leave him, as he was reassured of his father\u2019s presence.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben noticed Joe at the door and saw the expression on his son\u2019s face and asked,\u00a0 \u201cSon, everything all right?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yeah.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded and returned inside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben entered the cabin and asked,\u00a0 \u201cSon, you looked upset just then.\u00a0 Something happen?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had no idea why he felt the panic he had.\u00a0 He knew he had felt that feeling other times, but he had no understanding of why he was feeling it just then.\u00a0 He continued to remain confused in his mind and everything at times would jumble up; that made him very uncomfortable and made him feel like he was out of control, and he hated it.\u00a0 \u201cUh no, Pa.\u00a0 I just heard a noise, s\u2019all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been waiting for Joe to wake in order to speak with his son about the events of the previous day.\u00a0 He had viewed Joe\u2019s asking for help the previous evening as progress, although painfully slow.\u00a0 \u201cSon, about yesterday.\u00a0 We need to talk about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is there to talk about? I thought we did already.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, there is so much we have not talked about.\u00a0 You need to trust me and open up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019ve tried, and there\u2019s just something stopping it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what it is.\u00a0 All I do know is I can\u2019t go back home.\u00a0 It will make me crazy, Pa, I know it will.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I have been thinking, and I know how scared you are to go back.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to stay here as long as it takes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut what if I can never go back?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had thought about that as well.\u00a0 After seeing Joe yesterday so desperate to die, he had come to a decision.\u00a0 If it was a choice between his son\u2019s life and returning to the Ponderosa, he would choose his son\u2019s life.\u00a0 He would move his family wherever he needed to take them.\u00a0 \u201cThen Joe, you never go back.\u00a0 But, I hope it does not mean you cannot have your family with you.\u00a0 I would give up the ranch, and me, and you, and Hoss, and Adam would make a new life somewhere else.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s answer deeply affected Joe.\u00a0 He knew how much his father loved and valued the ranch, and the idea his father would give it up for him was amazing.\u00a0 Just then Joe felt a glimmer of hope.\u00a0 It was small and fleeting, but he so wanted to believe there was a resolution from the despair.\u00a0 He was uncertain if he truly could believe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe took up his customary place sitting outside and staring out into the scenery.\u00a0 Ben and Kenny never let him out of their sight, but each held back and gave him space.\u00a0 Ben had decided he would approach Joe slowly, but he would not let up on the pressure to get his son to open up.\u00a0 He would approach his son as he would a skittish colt.\u00a0 He would let Joe run, but only so far, and then he would re-approach.\u00a0 He was determined to get through.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny sat and watched Joe.\u00a0 She was confused about what she felt and what she wanted.\u00a0 She knew she needed to talk to him, so she risked it and approached him.\u00a0 Joe was sitting with his left leg pulled up and his arms around it.\u00a0 He looked lost in thought when Kenny walked up and spoke.\u00a0 \u201cMind if I sit down?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d\u00a0 Joe returned to the present and looked at her.\u00a0 \u201cOh, uh, yeah go ahead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan we talk?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked cautiously.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe studied her a moment and then answered,\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I am so sorry for all you have been through, I truly am.\u00a0 I feel terrible for my part in all of it.\u00a0 You\u2019ve had it really rough, and I took advantage of that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at her and was able to let himself feel something.\u00a0 He felt compassion.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, you\u2019ve apologized enough.\u00a0 I\u2019m not holding you responsible for any of this.\u00a0 You need to quit feelin\u2019 so bad.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t say anything to the sheriff, and I\u2019m not gonna.\u00a0 I\u2019m not gonna let my Pa say anything either.\u00a0 You\u2019re free, Kenny.\u00a0 There is nothin\u2019 over your head.\u201d\u00a0 Joe spoke very quietly to her, and although he showed no emotion, Kenny could see Joe meant what he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s eyes filled with tears.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you don\u2019t have to do this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I do Kenny.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t want you to have to suffer \u2018cause of Shelby.\u00a0 You don\u2019t deserve that.\u00a0 You\u2019re a good person.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo are you, Joe.\u00a0 I have been wanting to tell you some stuff, and I guess now is as good a time as any.\u00a0 Yesterday, when you wanted Shelby to shoot you, it just broke my heart.\u00a0 I want you to live Joe, and I want you to get better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the conversation turned to him and his problems, Joe became more restless.\u00a0 \u201cUm, I\u2019m not sure I\u2019ll get better Kenny.\u00a0 I\u2019m really not.\u00a0 I know how bad my Pa wants me to, and I know you\u2019ve said it, but this is\u2026 so hard\u2026 it\u2019s so hard for me.\u00a0 Something has happened to me that I don\u2019t understand and am not sure I ever can.\u00a0 I have no idea why I can\u2019t just be dead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s part of why I wanted to\u00a0talk to you.\u00a0 Joe, you have no idea what you have done for me.\u00a0 You changed my life.\u00a0 Your coming to Sacramento was the best thing that ever happened to me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was surprised at Kenny\u2019s revelation.\u00a0 He had been so out of his head through most of his friendship with her, he had no idea what she was talking about.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I mean is you\u2019ve changed my life.\u00a0 You came into Sacramento and you were different than the others.\u00a0 You were an innocent.\u00a0 You did not deserve what was done to you.\u00a0 I had looked at the world as take from it what you can because someone is always gonna take from you.\u00a0 You weren\u2019t like that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I haven\u2019t been very nice to you, and I\u2019m certainly not innocent in any form of that word, believe me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes you are, Joe.\u00a0 You loved a girl with all your heart, and you lost her.\u00a0 You feel responsible.\u00a0 You feel guilty, and you\u2019re trying to escape.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard nothing that makes it so that you deserved any of this.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t deserve to lose your girl.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t deserve what Shelby and I did.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t deserve any of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, as far as you being mean to me, you\u2019re pretty easy to read, you know.\u00a0 You don\u2019t play a mean guy very well.\u00a0 Oh yeah at times you were nasty, but I could see where it came from, and I understood.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe, you\u2019ve gotta stop running.\u00a0 My only hope for you is that you can learn to live with yourself, and your hurt.\u00a0 You\u2019re too good a person to let it consume you.\u00a0 You\u2019re hurting so badly.\u00a0 You know since you told me of her, I have thought Rebecca was such a lucky girl.\u00a0 She had your love.\u00a0 What an incredible gift you gave her.\u00a0 I really pray you find the peace you need.\u00a0 I pray you find a way to go on, because you must, you know.\u00a0 You\u2019re so young and have so many more hearts to break.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, stop running and realize that you have it all in your family.\u00a0 Your father loves you so much.\u00a0 He really does.\u00a0 I see it.\u00a0 And you need him, I can tell.\u00a0 You still have more growin\u2019 to do.\u00a0 You need to do it in a safe place.\u00a0 This world is too dangerous for people like you.\u00a0 You\u2019re an innocent who trusts too much and hurts too deeply when the story doesn\u2019t turn out the way you dreamed it.\u00a0 I hope you keep that quality though.\u00a0 I\u2019d hate to see you harden your heart to the way you think you want it.\u00a0 You hid in the whiskey and the morphine because you want to stop feeling.\u00a0 But what you missed Joe, was your feelings are what saved me.\u00a0 Your feelings are what make you so wonderful.\u00a0 I just pray you allow yourself to live long enough to see it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt very uneasy as Kenny spoke, and he said nothing.\u00a0 He found himself wanting to be numb, and he thought of a drink and how bad he could use one.\u00a0 Kenny reached over and took Joe\u2019s hand and felt that he was shaking.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve gotta return to your family Joe.\u00a0 Your Pa has been telling me so much about you, and I can tell he misses you terribly.\u00a0 You\u2019ve gotta find yourself Joe.\u00a0 You gotta look real hard and bring that man back.\u00a0 He sounds simply wonderful.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny could say no more without telling Joe she was in love with him.\u00a0 She had gone back and forth in her mind regarding what she should say to him.\u00a0 She so much wanted to tell him that they had made love.\u00a0 That he had taught her real love, but she knew she could not tell him.\u00a0 She knew he would feel as if he had betrayed Rebecca.\u00a0 She had to keep the secret.\u00a0 She had to live with wanting him and not being able to have him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I don\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 It is all so confused in me, and I just don\u2019t want to feel it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can feel it.\u00a0 All I feel is all frozen up inside and most of the time that is just fine with me.\u00a0 It\u2019s when I can\u2019t freeze it that I get\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe had said more than he thought he could say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAfraid, Joe?\u00a0 Is it you get afraid?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He looked at her, and his look answered her question.\u00a0 She continued on.\u00a0 \u201cI think when you\u2019re afraid may be the best time to talk about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked away from her and watched a bird hop over a rock.\u00a0 He fleetingly wondered what, if anything, birds had to worry about in their lives.\u00a0 He asked softly, \u201cBut what if you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re afraid of?\u00a0 What if it is this thing in you that you have no idea what it is, and you can\u2019t get it out?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think then you keep trying, and you don\u2019t give up.\u00a0 You let people help you.\u00a0 You let your Pa help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Kenny mentioned his father Joe looked over to where he was sitting outside.\u00a0 He loved his father very much and knew his father loved him, but there was something between them.\u00a0 Joe was feeling it more and more.\u00a0 He was realizing there was something he felt regarding his father that he had never admitted to himself.\u00a0 He felt he could not trust him.\u00a0 He had no idea where the feeling came from, but it seemed almost to be getting worse.\u00a0 He vowed he would never tell his father, and he would make it go away.\u00a0 He felt guilty for not trusting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny and Joe\u2019s conversation died away slowly.\u00a0 They ended up sitting without speaking.\u00a0 Joe mulled what she had said over in his head, and Kenny allowed herself a brief daydream of a life with Joe.\u00a0 Both were lost in thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Days passed as Joe gained his strength, and Ben waited out his son.\u00a0 Ben would gently approach Joe, and his son would verbally scamper away.\u00a0 The nights were hard for Joe, and Ben slept next to him without Joe having to ask.\u00a0 Joe cried out often in the night, and Ben heard more and more of what Joe was dreaming.\u00a0 He wondered what it meant.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was beginning to feel better physically.\u00a0 He was eating more regular, and his color was coming back as he sat outside.\u00a0 Emotionally, he vacillated between being numb and being down.\u00a0 He remained quiet and spent most of his day in his head.\u00a0 He found himself from time to time fighting off craving a drink or the morphine.\u00a0 The times were the worst when he was down.\u00a0 He would quickly begin to desire a drink or the numbness of the drug.\u00a0 During these times he held on tight and waited for it to pass.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was standing leaning against a tree, thinking of the time he had taught Rebecca to skip rocks over the water.\u00a0 He had been taught by Adam and would spend times sitting and skipping rocks as he and his friends talked.\u00a0 Rebecca, always wanting to do just as the boys did, asked Joe to teach her.\u00a0 He showed her numerous times, but Rebecca had difficulty getting the hang of it.\u00a0 Joe started to tease her, saying the reason she could not do it was because she was a girl. \u00a0Rebecca responded to this by giving him a big shove, which sent him into the water.\u00a0 That started the free for all.\u00a0 Joe stood in the water and pulled Rebecca in.\u00a0 She grabbed hold of another boy who was pulled in with her.\u00a0 Eventually, all of them were soaked and having the time of their lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe remembered, he smiled.\u00a0 He loved those times when they were young and life was not so painful.\u00a0 If he had his way, he would remain forever in the memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben approached and saw Joe with a smile on his face.\u00a0 He could tell his son was somewhere else in his head.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cLooks like you\u2019re thinking of something pleasant.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was brought back to the present by his father\u2019s voice.\u00a0 \u201cUh, yeah.\u201d\u00a0 He answered, as he rolled his body off of the tree and started to walk away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe wait.\u00a0 Don\u2019t walk away.\u00a0 Come sit for a few minutes.\u00a0 Tell me how you\u2019re feeling.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stopped and turned around.\u00a0 He looked at his father and said.\u00a0 \u201cI feel better.\u00a0 I think my leg is gettin\u2019 stronger.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t hurt as bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGood.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad to hear that.\u00a0 I think getting you eating regularly and getting you some sleep is helping don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said without enthusiasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou up to talking?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAbout?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I was hoping we could talk about how you\u2019re coping with things.\u00a0 I know the nightmares are bad, and you seem very down.\u00a0 Anything I can do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u00a0 Nuthin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Joe answered, but thought,\u00a0 \u201cYeah, get me a drink.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was frustrated.\u00a0 He tried to hold his temper, but it was getting difficult.\u00a0 He knew to go slow, but Joe was so distant.\u00a0 It was all he could do not to raise his voice.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve been talking about your mother a lot in your sleep.\u00a0 What do you think it means?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI dunno.\u00a0 Probably nothin\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, why do you insist on being so closed to me?\u201d\u00a0 Ben challenged.\u00a0 He decided to push a little.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not doin\u2019 it on purpose.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t know why.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell try and talk to me, and maybe we can find out what the problem is.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe eyed his father with suspicion.\u00a0 \u201cFine!\u00a0 What should we talk about, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked in a sarcastic tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the enemy.\u00a0 I\u2019m trying to help you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what do you want to talk about?\u201d\u00a0 Joe continued to answer in the same tone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow \u2018bout telling me what you were thinking about when I walked up?\u201d\u00a0 Ben was grasping at anything to get through to his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was thinkin\u2019 about her, Pa.\u00a0 What else do you think I think about all the time; every hour of every day?!\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s anger was increasing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, why can\u2019t you say her name?\u00a0 Why do you never say Rebecca\u2019s name out loud?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe glared at his father.\u00a0 \u201cI say her name.\u00a0 I say it all the time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo you don\u2019t son.\u00a0 You haven\u2019t said her name since I told you she was dead.\u00a0 What is it about her name Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLeave me alone!\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, I won\u2019t.\u00a0 What is it about her name?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere is nothing about her name!\u00a0 Drop it, Pa!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSay her name, Joe.\u00a0 Say it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 You don\u2019t understand!\u00a0 Leave me alone!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI do understand, son.\u00a0 Believe me, no one understands more than me.\u00a0 Tell me.\u00a0 Say her name.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m warning you!\u00a0 Stop it!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was looking around for an escape.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here to help you Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always been here, and I always will be.\u00a0 Now say her name.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is stupid, Pa!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 You can\u2019t make me!\u00a0 There is nothing about her name.\u00a0 There is nothing, and you need to just get away from me!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was beginning to see red and was ready to leave quickly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca won\u2019t leave your memories if you talk about her son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not doin\u2019 this!\u00a0 I\u2019m not talking to you about this!\u00a0 You don\u2019t understand!\u00a0 You won\u2019t understand!\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to move past his father, but Ben grabbed hold of him.\u00a0 Joe was facing away, and his father\u2019s arms were around him.\u00a0 This immediately enraged Joe.\u00a0 He tried to pull away, but Ben held firm.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2026 me\u2026 go!\u201d\u00a0 Joe growled.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 Talk to me.\u201d\u00a0 Ben struggled with Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t talk to you!\u00a0 I can\u2019t!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes you can, Joseph.\u00a0 Talk to me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was losing control.\u00a0 He began flailing and trying desperately to get away from his father.\u00a0 \u201cI CAN\u201dT!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll help you Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ve always been there son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With those words, Joe went over the top of his rage and the defenses that held back the wall of pain fell.\u00a0 \u201cBULLSHIT!\u00a0 YOU HAVEN\u2019T ALWAYS BEEN THERE!\u00a0 YOU HAVEN\u2019T!\u00a0 YOU LEFT ME!\u00a0 WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST YOU LEFT ME!\u00a0 YOU LEFT ME!\u00a0 I HATE YOU!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had no idea what Joe was talking about, but he felt his son\u2019s fury.\u00a0 \u201cSon, what are you talking about?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s rage drove him on.\u00a0 \u201cYOU LEFT ME!\u00a0 I NEEDED YOU PA!\u00a0 I NEEDED YOU!\u00a0 SHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT TOO!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With those words Joe jerked hard against his father and was able to break away.\u00a0 He had not expected to break free, and it threw him off balance.\u00a0\u00a0 He pitched forward and almost fell.\u00a0 Ben was able to re-grasp Joe and spun him around so they were face to face.\u00a0 He held Joe by the arms and looked him in the eye.\u00a0 \u201cSon, what are you talking about!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held an enraged look on his father.\u00a0 He wanted to fight and scream.\u00a0 \u201cLET ME GO!\u00a0 YOU\u2019RE NOT GONNA DO THIS TO ME!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe when did I leave you?\u00a0 When?\u00a0 Tell me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT!\u00a0 I DIDN\u2019T HAVE EITHER OF YOU, AND I NEEDED YOU!\u00a0 I NEEDED YOU, PA!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, tell me what you are talking about!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s rage made him shake, and all of a sudden, his eyes welled with tears, and he said through gasps,\u00a0 \u201cMama.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took a minute to register, before Ben understood.\u00a0 Joe was talking about his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 \u201cOh son!\u201d\u00a0 Ben grabbed Joe tight.\u00a0 At first Joe was tense, and then Ben felt the shudders.\u00a0 The drought was over, as Joe began to weep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The tears poured from Joe, as he wept for his mother, his father and his Rebecca.\u00a0 He felt the losses, each of them.\u00a0 He could hardly breathe as he buried his head in his father\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 He had so many tears to shed.\u00a0 As Ben tried to move them to a more comfortable position, Joe called out, \u201cPa don\u2019t let me go!\u00a0 Don\u2019t go!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here, son.\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u201d\u00a0 Ben slowly sat himself in the grass, as Joe clung to him.\u00a0 Ben began to rock his son, as he had done those weeks before.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held tight as he cried.\u00a0 \u201cPapa, I need you!\u201d\u00a0 Joe cried in desperation.\u00a0 \u201cPapa, don\u2019t go this time.\u00a0 Please don\u2019t go!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt guilt as he heard his son beg.\u00a0 He knew why his son was begging.\u00a0 When Marie had died, Ben had experienced a grief so devastating, that he was unable to function.\u00a0 He had abandoned his boys for the desperation of grief.\u00a0 He realized he had abandoned a five year old boy to the grief and pain of the loss of his mother.\u00a0 He realized his boy had never made it past that grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I\u2019m not going anywhere, boy.\u00a0 I\u2019m here, and you\u2019re gonna be okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPapa, please don\u2019t leave me.\u00a0 Please Papa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sobbed as he begged his father, but it was not the need of a seventeen year old, it was much younger.\u00a0 Joe was five in his grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here son, right here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Papa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, and was reduced to sobs.\u00a0 The tears that came from Joe had been trapped for so long, and they flowed in a never ending stream.\u00a0 Joe clung to his father.\u00a0 \u201cPapa, don\u2019t let me go.\u00a0 Please, just hold on to me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had no idea his son had been so affected.\u00a0 This was new to him, and Joe had hidden his hurt well.\u00a0 He realized he had foolishly listened to women who said they knew what Joe had needed as a small child having lost his mother.\u00a0 They had tried to mother Joe through it.\u00a0 Ben saw they were wrong.\u00a0 Joe had needed his father, and Ben admitted to himself he had not been there.\u00a0 His children, all three, had negotiated Marie\u2019s death in their own way.\u00a0 He could only imagine the damage to his two oldest boys.\u00a0 It filled his heart with grief and pain.\u00a0 And then he felt the pain of his youngest, the child from that beloved union, grasping tight to him and begging to not be left.\u00a0 Ben had almost convinced himself that Joe did not remember his mother, as it had been with Hoss and Adam, but it was obvious Joe did remember, and Joe remembered his father\u2019s reaction to his mother\u2019s death.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The tears continued to fall until Joe was exhausted.\u00a0 He did not want to lessen his grip on his father, because he believed he had to have him there for survival.\u00a0 Ben felt Joe\u2019s fatigue.\u00a0 But any movement Ben made resulted in resounding protests from his son.\u00a0 \u201cPapa, no.\u00a0 You can\u2019t leave me.\u00a0 You can\u2019t go away NO! PAPA!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was immediately hysterical again.\u00a0 He clung to his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Joseph!\u00a0 No son!\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u00a0 Hush now.\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPapa you left!\u00a0 I need you now!\u00a0 Don\u2019t go Papa!\u00a0 I need you!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held tight and held his son.\u00a0 He looked heavenward and talked to Marie in his head.\u00a0 \u201cMarie, I\u2019m so sorry I\u2019ve done this to him.\u00a0 You were so good at taking care of Joe, and I let him down so terribly.\u00a0 How do I fix this Marie?\u00a0 How do I help him?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Father and son stayed together, locked in a heart-breaking tableau in the grass as the sun began to set.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s weeping slowly tapered off, and he quieted.\u00a0 He felt the energy drain from him as he cried.\u00a0 There was so much anger that was present while he yelled at his father, and he felt it lessen as his mood changed to despair.\u00a0 The things he had said to his father shocked him.\u00a0 As the words came from him, it felt as if someone else was saying them.\u00a0 It was as if he was a bystander, and someone was telling secrets about him he did not even know he had.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben sat holding Joe, he thought of his son\u2019s revelation and, he realized Rebecca\u2019s death had caused a deep pain to reemerge in his son.\u00a0 Joe had lost Rebecca suddenly, just as they had lost Marie.\u00a0 Joe had lost two women he had loved with all of his heart.\u00a0 One at age five, and the other twelve years later.\u00a0 He had been unable to say good bye to either, before they were taken from him.\u00a0 It left Joe with an emptiness that had not been appropriately cared for.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben allowed himself to think of how much Joe had loved his mother.\u00a0 The little boy would light up every time he saw her.\u00a0 Marie had been very attentive and would spend hours with the boys reading to them, talking to them, and was even known to play hide and seek or soldiers with the boys.\u00a0 Joseph\u2019s naturally active nature resulted in an exhausted, though thoroughly thrilled, Marie.\u00a0 Ben received daily reports on how his youngest spent his waking hours and would often stand back and watch mother and son play together and listening to his little boy giggle.\u00a0 Those were some of Ben\u2019s favorite memories, watching his boys with Marie.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Although Ben was required to work long arduous hours establishing his paradise, he always had time for his family.\u00a0 He made certain there were family meals every night, and that the five Cartwrights spent as much time as a family as possible.\u00a0 The family would take rides together over their land, marveling that it belonged to them, and it was theirs to tend.\u00a0 During these rides, a small Joseph would insist on riding with his father and would chatter incessantly.\u00a0 When he was just learning to talk, Little Joe would ride along with his father attempting to name the things he saw as they traveled.\u00a0 The family had found it quite humorous that one of the first words Joe had learned was the word, \u201ccow\u201d.\u00a0 He then went about labeling anything he saw as a cow.\u00a0 Ben commented to Marie at the time that if Joe was right, they could call themselves cattle barons.\u00a0 Little did Ben Cartwright know he would indeed one day have that title.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Ben decided to speak.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, son, you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe pulled himself up from his father and looked at him.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s eyes were swollen, he looked very tired, and he felt afraid.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know where it came from.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean it.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean it at all, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you have nothing to be sorry about.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make it through it together.\u00a0 I promise.\u00a0 This time Joe, I\u2019ll be here.\u00a0 I promise you that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe started to cry again, and Ben hugged him.\u00a0 \u201cI love you so much Joseph, and I am the one who is so sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019m so very sorry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben rubbed his son\u2019s back and felt Joe quiet again.\u00a0 He pulled Joe back, so he was looking in his son\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cHey, you look exhausted, and Kenny is gonna wonder what happened to us.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go get something to eat and let you get some sleep.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever seen you look so worn out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe did not want to move from the place where he sat.\u00a0 He had a strong fear that letting go of his father would some how leave him all alone.\u00a0 He hesitated when his father motioned for them to stand, and Ben could feel his reluctance.\u00a0 Joe immediately felt foolish.\u00a0 He did not understand why he felt so young and scared.\u00a0 It was as if it was difficult for him to remain seventeen and this made him feel vulnerable.\u00a0 He was confused and lost.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe allowed his father to help him to his feet, and the two walked to the cabin.\u00a0 As they entered, Kenny saw from the expression on Ben\u2019s face and the state Joe was in, that something had happened between the two.\u00a0 Joe walked over to his bed and sat down.\u00a0 He put his head in his hands and tried to keep from crying.\u00a0 He thought it was almost funny.\u00a0 For several months he could not cry if his life depended on it, and now he was fighting to hold back the tears.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had made a stew and the three ate in quietness.\u00a0 Ben continued to glance over at Joe who sat on his bed and pushed the food around his plate.\u00a0 Ben felt such grief over Joe\u2019s suffering.\u00a0 He had been able to fight off land grabs and robbers.\u00a0 He had vowed vengeance on anyone who would hurt one of his boys.\u00a0 He had shot Shelby without a second thought when Joe\u2019s life was threatened, but he realized he had harmed his child.\u00a0 He had done what he would have killed another for doing.\u00a0 He had harmed one of his children in a deep and profound way.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe fought his fatigue until he had to give in.\u00a0 It was still rather early and he was anxious that his father would not be next to him as he slept.\u00a0 He had found great comfort in his father\u2019s presence during the night, but for some strange reason he worried his father would no longer be there.\u00a0 He looked at his father who was looking at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben seemed to read Joe\u2019s expression and moved over to his son.\u00a0 \u201cHey, you look worried.\u00a0 What\u2019s on your mind?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, nuthin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to deny his feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, looks to me like there is something troubling you.\u00a0 Please tell me Joseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked for the words as he felt so young.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2026 uh, Pa\u2026 are you gonna, uh\u2026 um, you gonna sleep here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRight here, son.\u00a0 You go on to sleep.\u00a0 I\u2019m here.\u00a0 If you need me you wake me, okay?\u201d\u00a0 Ben comforted his son as he sat down on the edge of the bed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Kay, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said quietly as he laid down and closed his eyes.\u00a0 He was fast asleep within minutes.\u00a0 Ben sat at the edge of the bed and watched his child fall off to sleep.\u00a0 He smiled as he watched how quickly sleep overtook Joe.\u00a0 He moved Joe\u2019s hair off his forehead and said quietly,\u00a0 \u201cSleep well my son.\u00a0 I love you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny saw Ben\u2019s devotion to his son.\u00a0 She was deeply touched by the scene she saw.\u00a0 She saw a child deeply hurting, and a father trying to take away the pain.\u00a0 She knew the Cartwrights were special.\u00a0\u00a0 She watched as Joe\u2019s father sat next to him on the bed and watched his child sleep.\u00a0 She also saw a tear fall from the father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 She thought to herself that she wished she could take away the hurt that these good people were suffering.\u00a0 She decided she would try.\u00a0 She would try and help Joe\u2019s father.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, you okay?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked away from his sleeping child to the woman who had helped them so much.\u00a0 He stood and moved over to where she was and kept his voice low.\u00a0 He wanted Joe to sleep.\u00a0 \u201cMmm yeah.\u00a0 I\u2019m okay.\u00a0 It\u2019s not me, it\u2019s him.\u00a0 I\u2019m so worried about Joseph\u2026 but, uh this is not something to burden you with.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, cutting the conversation short.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, you\u2019re not burdening me.\u00a0 Please can I help?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben needed someone to talk to.\u00a0 Usually it was Adam who he confided in, but Adam was not there.\u00a0 He needed to talk.\u00a0 \u201cWell Kenny, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I\u2019m not used to confiding family problem in strangers, but considering what all we have been through, maybe you\u2019re not such a stranger.\u00a0 It\u2019s Joseph\u2026 I\u2019m so worried.\u00a0 He\u2019s so full of grief and I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m responsible for some of it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny encouraged Ben to keep talking.\u00a0 \u201cHow so?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou see my wife,\u00a0Joe\u2019s mother, died in an accident when Joseph was five years old.\u00a0 Marie, that was her name, was my third wife, and the third wife I had lost to death.\u00a0 When I, well when we lost Marie, I was so overwhelmed with the grief, that I realize now I did not help my sons with theirs.\u00a0 My boys had to do it themselves, and I\u2019m afraid they have been harmed because of it.\u00a0 I thought, or maybe I hoped, Joseph was too young to remember, but today he told me I had left him when his mother died.\u00a0 I had no idea he felt the way he did.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou see, my Joseph has always been very, uh\u2026 how do I say it right?\u00a0 He\u2019s always been an emotional child, but he has been very hesitant to share what is going on with him.\u00a0 He tends to get angry, and that is when I know something\u2019s bothering him.\u00a0 Also the nightmares.\u00a0 He has those, and I know to watch him, and I can sometimes figure out what\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 But what he told me today has apparently been there for twelve years, and I had no idea he had been so hurt by my reaction to his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to find a way to help him, and frankly I have no idea how to do it.\u00a0 He was devastated when Rebecca died, and I didn\u2019t even think her death could remind him of his mother.\u00a0 I was so blind.\u201d\u00a0 Ben hung his head, feeling the guilt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright, I think you may be bein’ too hard on yourself.\u00a0 Like you said, Joe doesn\u2019t talk about this stuff, and you had no way of knowin\u2019 unless he told you.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny was trying to comfort a man she saw in pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut he\u2019s my son.\u00a0 My boy.\u00a0 I owed it to him, and I owed it to his mother to help him.\u00a0 Kenny, his mother was wonderful with him.\u00a0 She could get Joseph to do anything and could cut off a tantrum just like that.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t done so well.\u00a0 Joseph and I are very different, and I\u2019m a lot older raising him, than I was raising my oldest.\u00a0 I have to remind myself that he is so young sometimes.\u00a0 I just think of my son suffering as a child, and I was not there.\u00a0 I can\u2019t let that go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright,\u00a0I\u2019ve gotten to know you and to know your son, and I think you did a very good job of raising him.\u00a0 This is a situation so out of the ordinary it doesn\u2019t mean you were a bad father.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI arrived in this God forsaken city to find my son drinking, gambling and using that vile drug, and I know the reason he ran was because of this pain in him.\u00a0 I contributed to that pain.\u00a0 I made some of it for him.\u00a0 He had to escape into a bottle to handle his problem, because he thought I would not help him, or that I would leave him.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been there for him ever since I returned from my own pain of my loss of his mother, but obviously the time I was not available to him is what he holds on to.\u00a0 His brothers were there for him I know that.\u00a0 His oldest brother is quite a bit older than he is and was attentive to Joe during that time, but I think it wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 The brother closest to him in age is very close to him, but Hoss was only twelve himself at the time.\u00a0 I had believed it had been enough.\u00a0 But now, as a matter of fact, I know it wasn\u2019t enough from what Joe said today.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think all you can do is keep talking to him, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 I think if you talk to him the way you are to me it will help him.\u00a0 I think Joe needs you very much and you can make him realize that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Kenny, it\u2019s late, and I thank you for listening, but I think we should turn in.\u201d\u00a0 With that Ben moved over to sleep next to his son.\u00a0 Joe had been quiet and Ben prayed his son would rest peacefully.\u00a0 His prayer would not be answered as he had hoped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Through the night, Joe\u2019s dreams moved across different events, all of which did not cause him distress until the nightmare hit.\u00a0 He became lost in the terror of yet another dream.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was in a field and his father was next to him.\u00a0 As his father approached him he moved away.\u00a0 He did not want his father to come near him.\u00a0 He felt it was important not to let him touch him.\u00a0 His father was reaching for him, and it made him afraid.\u00a0 He looked over to his right, and he saw his mother and Rebecca standing together.\u00a0 As he saw the two women, he watched his father move between him and them.\u00a0 This frustrated Joe, and he tried to move so he could see them again.\u00a0 Every move Joe made, his father countered, and he was angered.\u00a0 He heard Rebecca call him, and she sounded in distress.\u00a0 He told his father to move, but he simply stood his ground.\u00a0 His mother cried out for him, and his anger rose.\u00a0 He had to get rid of his father.\u00a0 He had to move him.\u00a0 Joe ran towards his father and shoved him.\u00a0 His father fell backwards.\u00a0 Suddenly there appeared a cliff behind his father, and Ben fell down the cliff, landing at the bottom, dead.\u00a0 Joe screamed,\u00a0 \u201cNO!\u00a0 No Pa I didn\u2019t mean it!\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben woke to his son\u2019s screams.\u00a0 He was about to wake Joe, when Joe sat up and screamed.\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Pa, don\u2019t die!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could see his son was still asleep.\u00a0 He reached out and shook Joe awake.\u00a0 Joe opened his eyes and felt great relief to see his father before him.\u00a0 He grabbed his father and hugged him.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not dead!\u201d\u00a0 he said to comfort himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, I\u2019m here, just another dream.\u00a0 Tell me about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe told of his dream he stopped when he reached the part of the anger he felt towards his father.\u00a0 The anger led to him feeling guilt, and it made him want to stop talking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could tell Joe was holding back from him and wanted to make it okay for Joe to talk.\u00a0 He had to help his son get it all out regardless of how painful it would be for himself.\u00a0 He said to Joe,\u00a0 \u201cSon, tell me.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing you can say that will make me leave.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo it\u2019s nothing, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m okay now.\u00a0 Just tired.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just go back to sleep, \u2018kay?\u201d\u00a0 With that Joe held firmly to his father\u2019s arm, but laid down and closed his eyes.\u00a0 He could not tell his father how he had felt.\u00a0 He believed it would risk too much.\u00a0 He closed his eyes and waited for sleep.\u00a0 Eventually he succumbed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt his child\u2019s grip on him and his heart broke.\u00a0 It was now so obvious the fear inside of Joe, and he felt terrible he had never seen it so clearly before.\u00a0 Ben had known his son had many fears, concerns, and worries he did not share, but he felt he should have known this one.\u00a0 Ben stayed up the remainder of the night, and if his son stirred in the slightest, he was there to comfort and protect.\u00a0 He made sure his son felt safe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Morning came with its usual regularity, and Kenny and Ben shared their customary breakfast.\u00a0 They had grown used to spending the time together, and the majority of the conversation remained focused on the one they both loved, Joe.\u00a0 Ben knew he had to get Joe to talk to him.\u00a0 He dreaded what his son had to say, but he knew it had to be said.\u00a0 He had to get Joe to open up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe woke in the late morning.\u00a0 He felt very dark, and the thought of getting out of bed seemed overwhelming.\u00a0 He wanted to sleep.\u00a0 He felt as he had before he had found the alcohol to help him.\u00a0 Sleep seemed the only way to escape.\u00a0 He tried to return after waking and was not successful.\u00a0 He cursed his luck and laid in bed.\u00a0 It seemed it took too much energy to get out of bed.\u00a0 He saw his father enter the room and felt trapped.\u00a0 He knew he could not run, and he believed he could not speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben entered the room and saw Joe awake.\u00a0 \u201cHey son.\u00a0 Glad to see you awake.\u00a0 You hungry?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe took a minute to allow himself to talk. \u00a0Then he said,\u00a0 \u201cNo Pa, I\u2019m not.\u00a0 I just wanna lie here a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at Joe and saw the depression in his son.\u00a0 He knew he would have to reach out.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, Joe.\u00a0 That\u2019s fine.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been eating more lately, so I won\u2019t complain.\u00a0 Can we talk about last night?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about last night?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, hoping his father was not referring to the dream he had.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you didn\u2019t tell me all of the dream did you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, all of this has nothing to do with anything.\u00a0 Really, it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 I was just really kinda of tired yesterday and said things I shouldn\u2019t have.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean any of it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said trying to undo what he had said to his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe it\u2019s okay.\u00a0 I\u2019m not mad.\u00a0 Not with any of it.\u00a0 I want you to tell me what you remember about your mother\u2019s death.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His father\u2019s request sent terror into him.\u00a0There was no way he felt he could tell his father what he remembered.\u00a0 He could not tell, and he told himself he would not tell.\u00a0 He wanted to be left alone.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I was out of it yesterday, and I said things I didn\u2019t mean.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I was wrong.\u00a0 I think I should just sleep.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Joe, you\u2019re not doing this.\u00a0 No more running son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not Pa, just tired.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son, you don\u2019t want to talk to me, and I know you need to.\u00a0 Tell me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father and felt more trapped.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I can\u2019t!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes you can.\u00a0 You have to get it out son.\u00a0 Tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Pa.\u00a0 This does nothing!\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna\u2026 you\u2019re gonna\u2026 you\u2019re gonna\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe started to panic.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m gonna what Joe?\u00a0 Leave you?\u00a0 Be angry with you?\u00a0 No son.\u00a0 I won\u2019t do either.\u00a0 Tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Pa, it\u2019s not real.\u00a0 I don\u2019t really remember.\u00a0 I\u2019m wrong, and I remember it all wrong!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, trying to get out of the corner he felt he was in.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell me what you remember, and I can help determine if it is real.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s pressure was wearing down his son.\u00a0 Joe was agitated and was becoming more so as his father pushed.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I can\u2019t!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes you can, Joseph.\u00a0 Tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2026 but\u2026 Papa, I can\u2019t\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can Joe, tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to cry as he recalled for his father a memory from the death of his mother\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A five year old Joe heard the whispers and talk of the adults.\u00a0 He did not understand any of it.\u00a0 There was a woman crying and hugging him, but he did not like it.\u00a0 He looked for his Mama, and she was not there.\u00a0 He then decided to look for his Papa, and again, he was not there.\u00a0 He felt mad.\u00a0 He knew his Mama was there, and he had to find her.\u00a0 The woman grabbed him again and was crying, and it scared him.\u00a0 She was hurting him with her grasp.\u00a0 He thought to himself he would tell Mama, and she would make the woman stop.\u00a0 He saw Hoss across the room, broke away from the woman, and ran to his beloved brother.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cHoss, Hoss, where\u2019s Mama?\u00a0 I don\u2019t like this.\u00a0 That lady squeezed me and made me hurt.\u00a0 Go get Mama, Hoss, and she\u2019ll make the lady say she\u2019s sorry.\u00a0 Mama always makes me say I\u2019m sorry when I\u2019m bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A small Joe saw his brother start to cry.\u00a0 \u201cOh Hoss, I\u2019m okay.\u00a0 She just pinched me.\u00a0 Don\u2019t cry, Hoss.\u00a0 Go get Mama, and she\u2019ll give us a cookie.\u00a0 That\u2019ll fix it, Hoss.\u00a0 We\u2019ll eat cookies, and Mama will send that lady away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss hugged his little brother, knowing Little Joe did not understand what he, Adam, and the lady had told Joe earlier.\u00a0 They had told him his mother was dead.\u00a0 Joe had looked at them with innocent eyes and said,\u00a0 \u201c\u2019kay\u201d but it was obvious he had no idea what they had meant, because he was expecting his mother to save him.\u00a0 Hoss felt so sad.\u00a0 He loved Marie as his own mother, and he loved his little brother.\u00a0 He knew Little Joe was going to have a bad time, and he was afraid he was also.\u00a0 Hoss too wondered where their father was.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe continued to ask where his Mama was, so Hoss took him to Adam.\u00a0 Little Joe told Adam what had happened, and Adam asked to look at Joe\u2019s offended arm.\u00a0 Although there was nothing to show where the child had been supposedly injured, Adam made a big deal of it and made sure Joe received the appropriate sympathy.\u00a0 This seemed to somewhat calm the child, and Joe stopped asking for his mother for a while.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At Joe\u2019s bedtime that evening, the lady insisted on putting him to bed.\u00a0 Adam had told her several times that he would put Joe to bed, but she would have nothing of it.\u00a0 She took Joe to his room and helped the little boy get ready for bed.\u00a0 Joe tended to draw out his bedtime ritual as a way of staying up later.\u00a0 He would wander the room saying good night to everything he saw and insisting there was more he needed to do before bed.\u00a0 How Marie handled this was to tell her son he could say goodnight to three things in his room, say his prayers, hop into bed, and if all went smooth, he could pick out a book for her to read from.\u00a0 Joe so loved to be read to that this was usually all it took to get him to cooperate.\u00a0 Once in bed and listening to a story, usually Little Joe was fast asleep in minutes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The lady took him to his room, and the battle began.\u00a0 Joe insisted that he did not want to wear the nightshirt she picked out, and then was irate that she made him get right into bed without him saying good night to his toys.\u00a0 He finally got into bed, and the lady tucked him in.\u00a0 He waited for his story, but the lady simply kissed him on the forehead and said good night.\u00a0 With that, she turned and left the room.\u00a0 Little Joe lay in bed, but he was angry.\u00a0 He knew he had to find Mama and get his story from her.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam both in turn came in and said good night to him.\u00a0 He saw both looked very sad, and when they had hugged him, they both had started to cry.\u00a0 Joe was getting worried as to what it all meant.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe knew he was not supposed to get out of bed once he was put there and had experienced more than one spanking because of his failure to obey.\u00a0 He hesitated to get out of bed, but his need to find his mother took over, and he was out of bed and down the hall shortly.\u00a0 He looked down the stairs and there was no one around.\u00a0 He quietly climbed down the stairs holding the hand rail and taking the steps one at a time.\u00a0 He looked around the room briefly, and then walked to the room he had seen people coming out of earlier that day.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned the handle and quietly opened the door.\u00a0 There was a lamp burning softly, and he saw someone on the bed.\u00a0 He ran to the side of\u00a0the bed smiling.\u00a0 \u201cThere you are Mama!\u00a0 I\u2019ve been looking for you!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He saw her eyes were closed and thought she was sleeping.\u00a0 He felt he had to wake her, because she had to read to him.\u00a0 He had missed her all day and wanted the attention.\u00a0 He took her hand and felt it was cold.\u00a0 It confused him.\u00a0 \u201cMama?\u00a0 Wake up, Mama.\u00a0 Mama, you wake up now and read to me.\u201d\u00a0 The little boy tried to wake his mother and became more and more desperate as his efforts failed.\u00a0 He started to cry.\u00a0 \u201cMama, please wake up.\u00a0 Please!\u00a0 You gotta wake up!\u00a0 Mama!\u00a0 I want you to wake up!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing had heard Little Joe\u2019s voice from his own room and had ventured out to find where the little boy was and what he was doing.\u00a0 He saw the door where Mrs. Cartwright\u2019s body lay was open, and he immediately knew the boy was in there.\u00a0 He rushed in to see a heart breaking sight.\u00a0 Joe was beginning to crawl up into bed to lay with his mother.\u00a0 The little boy had tears streaming down his face and was begging his mother to wake up.\u00a0 Hop Sing ran to the boy picked him up and rushed him out of the room.\u00a0 Joe looked over Hop Sing\u2019s shoulder and reach back for his mother.\u00a0 He called out,\u00a0 \u201cMama, Mama please get up!\u00a0 Please!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing took Joe into the kitchen, all the while holding him tight.\u00a0 He hugged Joe as the boy cried and talked softly to him in Cantonese.\u00a0 Joe held tight to his friend, and man and boy wept for the death of a woman they both loved.\u00a0 That night, Hop Sing gave Joe a cookie as his mother did so many times to comfort little boy tears, and then placed Joe in bed with himself and hugged the child until he slept.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben listened without speaking as Joe told his memory in a soft voice, which at times faded due to his crying.\u00a0 Joe did not look at his father as he spoke, rather he stared of into space, and it appeared to his father as if he was reliving the memory as he recounted it.\u00a0 Ben was openly crying and wanted to take it all away from his son, but he knew he had to let Joe speak without interruption.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When Joe finally stopped talking, Joe stood and walked over to the window and looked out.\u00a0 He wanted to get the picture of his mother lying in the bed out of his mind.\u00a0 Ben joined him and placed his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Joe tried to wipe away the tears he had rolling down his face, but new ones simply replaced them.\u00a0 He felt as if the tears would never stop, nor the pain ever leave.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben eventually spoke to his son.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, I had no idea you had seen your mother like that.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry you did, and I\u2019m so sorry it was not me who had helped you with it.\u00a0 You\u2019re right, I wasn\u2019t there, and I don\u2019t blame you for being angry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened to his father and was conflicted about how he felt.\u00a0 A part of Joe was furious at his father for having abandoned him, and another part wanted to grab hold of his father and never let go.\u00a0 He said very quietly,\u00a0 \u201cPa, you mind if I have some time alone?\u00a0 I need to think for a while.\u00a0 I wanna go outside and be by myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his son, the hesitation obvious.\u00a0 Joe saw it and added,\u00a0 \u201cI promise I\u2019m not gonna take off, and I won\u2019t do anything to myself.\u00a0 I just need to be alone.\u00a0 Please?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, Joe.\u00a0 If you need me though, you come get me right away, and you don\u2019t go far.\u00a0 Will you be where I can see you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was in no mood to argue.\u00a0 He knew his father was worried, so he agreed.\u00a0 He made his way out to the field and moved to where he could see the stream and the woods behind.\u00a0 He sat for many hours staring into the woods and crying.\u00a0 He talked to his mother in his head, as he rethought what he had shared with his father.\u00a0 \u201cMama, what should I do?\u00a0 I\u2019m so confused.\u00a0 I feel so many things inside and have no idea what to do with all of it.\u00a0 I wish you were able to tell me.\u00a0 I wish Rebecca was here.\u00a0 She helped me so much when we were at your grave.\u00a0 I told her all of this Mama.\u00a0 I told her, and I felt better.\u00a0 I don\u2019t really feel that way now.\u00a0 I feel too many bad things now.\u00a0 Pa is gonna want me to talk more to him, and I don\u2019t know if I should.\u00a0 I feel so bad that I don\u2019t trust him, and I\u2019m mad at him.\u00a0 I\u2019m so mad at him.\u00a0 He misses you too, and I think I\u2019m making that worse.\u00a0 What should I do?\u00a0 I wish I knew.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched his son.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s back was to him, but it was evident at times Joe was crying.\u00a0 His shoulders would move, and he would ever so often wipe his eyes.\u00a0 Ben too talked to Marie.\u00a0 \u201cMarie, darling, do I just let him cry?\u00a0 Do I go to him?\u00a0 What do I do?\u00a0 I so wish we never lost you.\u00a0 He needs a mother.\u00a0 He needed you to help him so many times.\u00a0 I need you right now.\u00a0 I miss you so much, my love.\u00a0 So very, very much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dinner came, and the three sat down to eat.\u00a0 Kenny made sure they had a hot meal and tended to do whatever needed to be done to care for Joe and Ben.\u00a0 She found herself enjoying being domestic and began to think of the three as a little family.\u00a0 She knew it was only a fantasy, but she decided to enjoy it while she could.\u00a0 When Joe had returned to the cabin he was quiet and tired.\u00a0 He had not been able to decide what, if anything, he would share with his father regarding how he felt, or the memories he held.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three sat quietly as they ate.\u00a0 Kenny and Ben made small talk, and Joe kept in his head.\u00a0 He was feeling the loss so profoundly at that time that it only took Ben asking Joe how he was doing for him to begin crying at the table and quickly got up and walked outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben went to stand, and Kenny interrupted.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, would you mind if I talked to him?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sat back down and said, \u201cNo Kenny, go right ahead.\u00a0 Just let me know if you need me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI will.\u201d\u00a0 She said as she moved outside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was standing, leaning against the corner of the cabin, his back to her, when Kenny approached.\u00a0 She spoke quietly to him as she touched his arm, \u201cHey there.\u00a0 Just checking to see if you\u2019re okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe quickly wiped away the tears and tried to compose himself.\u00a0 Kenny stopped him.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do that.\u00a0 Look, we\u2019re friends here, and I understand.\u00a0 I really do.\u00a0 I just thought you could use a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just someone to listen.\u00a0 I can tell it is kinda strained with your Pa and you, so I thought I could help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure what to do, Kenny.\u00a0 I\u2019m so confused.\u00a0 It\u2019s so hard for me to talk about all this.\u00a0 I feel like it\u2019s worse to talk about than to say nothing.\u00a0 It just makes more people hurt, and to be honest makes me just wanna run away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re afraid of hurting your Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 I\u2019m realizing something I never thought I felt, and I have no idea what it is gonna do to him.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to talk to him about this, cause I know he hurt real bad when my mother died.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I can\u2019t tell him about any of it, \u2018cause if I do, then I have to tell him all of it.\u00a0 You see my Pa\u2019s pretty persistent, and either I tell him nothing, or I tell him everything.\u00a0 That\u2019s how it\u2019s always been with him and me.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can tell him everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do think would happen if you did?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s the problem.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 What if I start talkin\u2019 to him, and stuff comes out, and I can\u2019t stop it, and I mess it all up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMess up what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh,\u2026 I don\u2019t know really.\u00a0 Just make things worse I guess.\u00a0 Worse for Pa, maybe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow could you make it worse by talking to him?\u00a0 Joe, he has been beggin\u2019 you to talk to him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh,\u2026 I don\u2019t know\u2026 I can\u2019t think\u2026 What if\u2026 oh, I don\u2019t know, Kenny.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know why I started cryin\u2019 in there.\u00a0 Pa just asked me a question, and I go gettin\u2019 all upset.\u00a0 What if I\u2019m losing it again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you afraid of that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think it\u2019s what I\u2019m most afraid of.\u00a0 I said stuff to my Pa I never even knew I had in me.\u00a0 What if there\u2019s more?\u00a0 What if I can\u2019t handle what\u2019s in me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell I don\u2019t know, but I think it\u2019s your only chance, Joe.\u00a0 You remember the talk we had by the river?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh, yeah,\u201d\u00a0Joe responded, and thought \u201csorta.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you know I\u2019m right about what you need to do.\u00a0 What you really have to do.\u00a0 You\u2019ve gotta keep going, and you\u2019ve gotta face it.\u00a0 I can see how bad you\u2019re hurtin\u2019, but you sure are sellin\u2019 everyone short, including yourself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to fidget as Kenny talked.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do ya mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think Rebecca would be disappointed in you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s words slapped Joe hard.\u00a0 Joe tried to speak and could not.\u00a0 Kenny saw his face change, and the tears form as Joe turned away from her.\u00a0 Kenny spoke,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, let me tell you why I said that.\u00a0 I know she loved you very much.\u00a0 I know you loved her.\u00a0 She wanted to make you happy, Joe.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t want you to run away.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t want you drinking and using the morphine, and she did not want you to be without your family.\u00a0 Love isn\u2019t that way, Joe.\u00a0 What did you want for her Joe?\u00a0 Did you want her to have a good life?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kept his back to Kenny, but said,\u00a0 \u201cI want her to have the best life.\u00a0 I want her to always be happy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I asked you something at the river you never answered.\u00a0 Now you need to answer it.\u00a0 If it were reversed, and you were dead, would you want her life to just fall apart like yours has?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Kenny, it\u2019s different.\u201d\u00a0 Joe wanted to resist what Kenny had to say to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt just is.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s too easy an answer.\u00a0 Tell me how it\u2019s different.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny quickly fired back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, it just is.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was starting to get angry.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny it is, and I really am not in the mood to argue.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIs it because you think you\u2019re responsible for the accident?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny continued to push on Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can tell Pa has thoroughly filled you in.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, trying to change the focus of the conversation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe just told me about you and Rebecca, and what you\u2019ve been through.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he had no right to tell you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what we\u2019re talking about.\u00a0 Joe you know it\u2019s no different.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny it is!\u00a0 I killed her!\u00a0 She\u2019s dead, \u2018cause I was not driving those horses!\u201d\u00a0 Joe screamed at her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, so you\u2019re that certain you could\u2019ve done things different, huh?\u00a0 You\u2019re that positive that you could a made it turn out different?\u00a0 You\u00a0 really think you are so powerful that you can make things not happen that maybe are supposed to?\u00a0 Have you thought of that one, Joe?\u00a0 Have you thought that maybe you wanna go back and play God?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spun around to look at her and was instantly angry,\u00a0 \u201cShut up, Kenny!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben heard Joe yell and was immediately out the door.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s voice boomed, more out of fear of what could be going on with his son, than anger.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked briefly at his father and then back at Kenny,\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s nothin\u2019!\u201d\u00a0 he said, and made his way into the cabin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, what\u2019s goin\u2019 on?\u201d\u00a0 Ben continued to ask.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt seems Joe doesn\u2019t like the truth.\u00a0 He\u2019s mad, cause I said some things he really needs to hear, but didn\u2019t care for too much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s a good idea to get him so worked up.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, the worried parent coming threw in his voice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright,\u00a0 I know it isn\u2019t my place, but Joe needs to hear some things that it seems everyone is afraid to tell him.\u00a0 I think maybe you all, because you love him so much, have not been willin\u2019 to tell him some of the stuff he has to hear.\u00a0 See, I come from a different background than you folks do.\u00a0 Things were said, no matter how painful,\u00a0 Now I think the best thing is somewhere in the middle, maybe.\u00a0 Joe has to realize that he is not doing what Rebecca would want for him, or what you would want.\u00a0 I just tried to tell him that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at the young woman and was going to respond, but he thought of Joe alone in the cabin and returned inside.\u00a0 Joe stood in front of the fire violently poking at the logs.\u00a0 He was thinking of what Kenny had said.\u00a0 He asked himself,\u00a0 \u201cIs she really disappointed in me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben approached Joe and put his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Joe moved away.\u00a0 He said, \u201cNot now, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt powerless.\u00a0 He watched Joe move over and look out a window into the darkness of the evening.\u00a0 Kenny returned to the cabin as well and sat watching Joe.\u00a0 She was not sure if she should apologize for what she had said.\u00a0 She believed she had spoke the truth, but wondered if maybe it was not her place to say the things she had to Joe.\u00a0 She decided to go to him and walked over to where Joe stood.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, um\u2026 I\u2019m sorry I said what I did.\u00a0 I know it hurt you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kept asking himself if he was a disappointment to Rebecca.\u00a0 He had not thought of that, and it made him upset to think he could have hurt Rebecca with how he had behaved since her death.\u00a0 He heard Kenny\u2019s apology and turned to her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny braced herself for Joe\u2019s wrath, but instead she heard a very soft voice ask a question.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, is she really disappointed in me?\u00a0 Is she?\u201d\u00a0 Joe began to cry, and Kenny immediately grabbed him and hugged him close.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny and Joe remained in a hug as Kenny spoke, \u201cOh, Joe, if she is, it\u2019s only because she loves you so and wants only good things for you.\u00a0 Any woman who loved you would want you to be just as happy as you would want her to be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut, I\u2026\u00a0 but she\u2026she was the reason\u2026 I don\u2019t know if I can be really happy without her.\u00a0 It\u2019s the most I\u2019ve ever felt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, bein\u2019 in love is the most happy you\u2019ll ever feel, but you\u2019ll be in love again.\u00a0 Not for a long while, \u2018cause it takes time, but you will, and you\u2019ll feel it all again.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said these words to comfort herself as well.\u00a0 As she spoke to Joe she knew she could feel some of his pain because of her love for him.\u00a0 She used it to comfort him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched and listened to what Kenny was telling his son.\u00a0 Joe appeared to be listening to her, and it seemed to be helping.\u00a0 He had wondered several times what had transpired between the saloon girl and Joseph.\u00a0 It was evident that Joe was not romantically attracted to the woman, but after what he had come upon in Sacramento, he had questions.\u00a0 He doubted he would ever know the extent of the relationship between the two.\u00a0 He wondered if he really wanted to know.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe released the hug with Kenny and felt awkward.\u00a0 He had never felt so vulnerable and exposed, and it seemed like his exposure kept increasing.\u00a0 It was a new and very uncomfortable feeling for him.\u00a0 Joe liked to think he protected himself from anyone getting too close.\u00a0 He knew it came across at times as if he were cocky or arrogant, but he preferred that to being hurt.\u00a0 He knew though too, it was pretty easy for him to get caught up in something or someone if he really cared, and then he lost all ability to protect himself.\u00a0 He had discovered this about himself in some of the friendships he had made, and it was a characteristic he desperately wished he had more control over.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening ended quietly, and night fell upon the cabin.\u00a0 Joe laid in bed continuing to think of what Kenny had said to him.\u00a0 He wished he could talk with Rebecca to know what he should do.\u00a0 Did Rebecca want him to join her as he had thought, or did she want him to stay alive and keep going?\u00a0 He had believed he had known the answer weeks ago; he should die and join her, but he had been unable to end his life.\u00a0 Again with Shelby, he had thought that death was the answer.\u00a0 However, what Kenny had said to him also made sense.\u00a0 For the first time since the accident, Joe questioned that he may have been wrong.\u00a0 Maybe Rebecca did not want him dead and with her.\u00a0 He would have to think more about it, he told himself as his eyes grew heavy and he slept.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was restless as usual in his sleep, and the question he had asked in his awake hours rumbled through his mind.\u00a0 The images were distorted and much did not make sense, but he was with Rebecca, and his mind waited for the solution to the question he had posed to himself.\u00a0 Although it would not be answered in dreams, the question showed itself in various forms throughout the night.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben remained sleeping by his son\u2019s side offering comfort; his mere presence resulted in his son sleeping more peacefully.\u00a0 Ben had gotten to where it was almost automatic.\u00a0 As soon as Joe began to stir, Ben would reach out and comfort him.\u00a0 Joe did not fully wake in the night and received more rest than he had been blessed with during the past few days.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On one of the more rare occasions, Joe woke before Kenny or his father.\u00a0 He laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, and eventually he decided to get up.\u00a0 He could see it was still very early.\u00a0 He made his way out of bed and dressed without making noise.\u00a0 He wanted to have some time by himself and was hoping he could get out of the cabin without waking the sleeping inhabitants.\u00a0 He had years of experience sneaking out at home and used it to get out of the cabin without notice.\u00a0 He breathed a sigh of relief when he was free and safely outdoors.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe allowed himself to take in the morning air.\u00a0 He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.\u00a0 He used to love the solitude of nature and the enjoyment of the smells of the woods and realized he had forgotten the smells and sounds of the world around him.\u00a0 He decided to take a walk down to the stream and clean up.\u00a0 He limped to the stream, though the limp was much less than it had been.\u00a0 His leg was getting stronger, he could feel it, and he tried to walk as steady as he could to the water.\u00a0 He knew he was going to have to use his leg more to strengthen it, but he had not found himself very willing to move around.\u00a0 He just had not felt it was worth expending the energy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once at the stream, Joe took off his shirt and knelt at the water\u2019s edge.\u00a0 Using his hands, he took the water and poured it over his head.\u00a0 He felt the refreshing water revitalize him.\u00a0 He continued to douse himself with water and with each new waterfall he felt a little more renewed, a little more alive.\u00a0 As he knelt down, he continued to keep Kenny\u2019s words in his head, and he felt better able to tackle the question in the morning light.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He talked to Rebecca in his head.\u00a0 \u201cRebecca, you know I miss you, huh?\u00a0 You know I would give anything to have you here.\u00a0 I miss you so much.\u00a0 I need to know something Rebecca.\u00a0 Is Kenny right?\u00a0 Are you wanting me to go on?\u00a0 I\u2019ll do anything you want, you know that.\u00a0 Just help me know it\u2019s okay.\u00a0 I\u2019m so afraid, Bec.\u00a0 So afraid I\u2019ll forget you.\u00a0 So afraid I\u2019ll not do what you want me to do.\u00a0 Rebecca, you completed me.\u00a0 You made me whole and without you, I\u2019m just confused.\u00a0 I would give anything if God would let me talk to you for just a minute.\u00a0 How am I supposed to know?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe spent many minutes knelt at the stream asking for his Rebecca to speak to him, knowing she would not.\u00a0 He eventually stood, threw his shirt over his shoulder and made his way to the cabin just in time to see his father bolting out the door pulling on his shirt as he exited.\u00a0 As soon as Ben saw Joe, he yelled at him.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph!\u00a0 I told you not to go anywhere without someone with you!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe saw the look of worry on his father\u2019s face, but it angered him.\u00a0 He knew from the look that his father did not trust him.\u00a0 He wanted to scream at his father that he was the one that should not trust.\u00a0 He was the one that should be angry.\u00a0 He was the one who had been left, but he said,\u00a0 \u201cGood mornin\u2019 to you too, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was taken aback by his son\u2019s sarcastic comment.\u00a0 He was at a loss as to what to do with Joseph.\u00a0 His son was hurt and angry.\u00a0 He felt the gap between them growing, and it scared him.\u00a0 He had almost lost Joe several times, and he was not about to let that happen.\u00a0 He thought of the memory Joe had shared with him, and he felt guilty.\u00a0 \u201cHow could he bridge the gap?\u201d he asked himself.\u00a0 Ben believed it was his job to do, because he knew Joe could not.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s pain was too great.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, son.\u00a0 It scared me when you weren\u2019t in the cabin.\u00a0 I over-reacted.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His father\u2019s willingness to admit his over-reaction brought guilt feelings in Joe.\u00a0 He appeased his guilt by responding,\u00a0 \u201cUh\u2026 I\u2019m sorry, Pa.\u00a0 I was just cleaning up some.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to scare you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben put his arm firmly on his son\u2019s shoulder, relieved Joe was safe and his fears were groundless.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry too, son.\u00a0 I yelled, and I didn\u2019t need to.\u00a0 You\u2019re right here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m right here.\u00a0 Uh, I\u2019ll go inside, I guess.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, feeling awkward with his father.\u00a0 This was something he had not experienced before, nor did he particularly care for the feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, wait.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to corral his fleeting son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2026 yeah?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, dreading what his father could ask of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was hoping we could spend some time together.\u00a0 I found some fishing supplies in the cabin, and I know how much you like to fish, so I thought maybe we could do that today.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had to admit that fishing sounded like a good distraction.\u00a0 He had grown so used to sleeping and being medicated through the days that he had stopped doing the things he had enjoyed.\u00a0 Fishing was always high on his list of favorite pastimes.\u00a0 He did not feel the enthusiasm he usually felt at the thought of grabbing a fishing pole, but he decided he would give it a try.\u00a0 \u201cUh, okay, Pa.\u00a0 Sounds, um good.\u201d\u00a0 When ya wanna go?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, what\u2019s wrong with right now?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked, trying to sound upbeat, but worried that any minute he could set Joe off, and his son would turn him down.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father and saw how much his father wanted everything to be all right between the two of them.\u00a0 He decided to ease up and give his father what he wanted.\u00a0 \u201cOkay Pa.\u00a0 Let me grab a different shirt, and I\u2019ll be right there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 He so wanted the nightmare to be over and his son back with him.\u00a0 The response he had just heard sounded like his son, and it gave him a glimmer of hope.\u00a0 Joe was willing to spend time with him.\u00a0 He wanted that time to be one of relaxation, but hopefully of some strengthening of the connection between father and son; a remembrance of other special times together.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two made their way to the stream and stayed there not talking.\u00a0 They had both fished together numerous times, and each tried to pretend it was one of those times they were enjoying.\u00a0 Ben wanted to talk to Joe about what he had remembered and experienced regarding his mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 Joe wanted to distract himself and stay away from his father\u2019s questions.\u00a0 The two men were more distant than they had ever been.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Ben could wait no longer.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you know we have more to talk about, so much more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had been waiting for his father\u2019s words, so they had not surprised him.\u00a0 A part of him knew when he agreed to go fishing this would happen, but that did not quell the panic he felt.\u00a0 Again he would have to talk about deep seated memories and deep seated fears.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about?\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to ask as nonchalant as possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, I want to know more.\u00a0 I want you to tell me all you remember.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, Pa?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 So I have to go through it again?\u00a0 I try not to remember it, at least not that part.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to help you, Joseph.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t there the first time, but I can be there now.\u00a0 I think we need to be honest with each other.\u00a0 We need to talk.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was nervous.\u00a0 What his father was asking of him, he was not sure he could do.\u00a0 The memory he had shared with his father had been the most vivid, the most intact.\u00a0 The rest of the memories he had surrounding that terrible event were flashes; pieces of memories that did not fit together.\u00a0 He had heard the stories of his mother from his father and brothers, but the flashes he had in his mind had never been discussed.\u00a0 He had told his family nothing of their content.\u00a0 He asked, \u201cWhat do you want from me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you remember anything more?\u00a0 Have you had other memories you have kept to yourself?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe put the fishing pole down and looked at his father.\u00a0 The look told Ben there was indeed more that Joe remembered.\u00a0 Ben saw a look of fear on Joe\u2019s face and tried to help.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, we\u2019ll get through it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll help you with it.\u00a0 Anything you need, I\u2019ll do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve told you that before.\u00a0 We have to get this cleared between us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, what does this have to do with Rebecca?\u00a0 What does it have to do with me now?\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 That is what it has to do with.\u00a0 You\u2019re wanting me to talk about something that means nothing anymore. \u00a0It\u2019s over and nothing changes it one bit.\u00a0 I lost her\u2026 uh, Rebecca.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I left home.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I did everything I did, and that\u2019s why I don\u2019t want to go home.\u00a0 That is it.\u00a0 The end.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, there is so much more, and you know it.\u00a0 I think the reason you reacted the way you did, the reason you keep so much to yourself, was because of what you said earlier.\u00a0 I left you when you needed me all those years ago.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t trust me to help you with Rebecca.\u00a0 You tried to do it all yourself.\u00a0 Joe, I hope you know you can\u2019t do it all yourself.\u00a0 You can\u2019t hold on that tight to your hurt without it hurting you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t remember much really.\u00a0 It\u2019s not clear.\u00a0 It\u2019s only parts and some don\u2019t make sense.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell me the parts, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought of what Kenny had said again before deciding to answer.\u00a0 He asked himself, \u201cWhat would Rebecca want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 He then thought of the time he had been at his mother\u2019s grave with Rebecca.\u00a0 She had liked it that he had talked to her, so he reasoned maybe she would want him to talk to his father.\u00a0 He decided he would try.\u00a0 Joe turned away from his father, because he knew he could not look at him and talk about the memory he had.\u00a0 He took a deep breath and began.\u00a0 \u201cI remember the\u2026 uh\u2026 the\u2026I remember\u2026 oh god.\u00a0 I see her goin\u2019 into the ground.\u00a0 It\u2019s uh\u2026 more feelin\u2019 than anything.\u00a0 I see it in my mind, and uh\u2026I feel like I just am all alone, and I lost everything.\u00a0 That\u2019s all I remember if it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I never talked to you about your mother\u2019s funeral, and I\u2019m not sure why I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Maybe it is because I don\u2019t like to think of it either.\u00a0 Sit down Joe, and let me tell you about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was unsure he wanted to know the details.\u00a0 He had always thought he had wanted to know, but now that the time had come, he was unsure.\u00a0 He sat next to his father, pulled up his leg, wrapped his arms around it and braced himself for his father\u2019s story.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mood in the ranch house had been somber since Marie\u2019s accident and death.\u00a0 Ben had taken to his bed out of grief.\u00a0 Hop Sing had stepped in to help, and between him and Adam, arrangements were made to lay the final Mrs. Cartwright to rest.\u00a0 Ben had told them his wishes were for Marie to be buried in her favorite place by the lake she loved so much.\u00a0 Care of Hoss and Joe also fell to Adam and Hop Sing.\u00a0 Hoss was tearful and comforted himself by tending to the animals he loved so much.\u00a0 Little Joe remained clinging to Hop Sing and would not let the cook out of his sight.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The day of the funeral arrived, and Ben emerged from his room dressed and ready to bury his wife.\u00a0 He noticed the quietness of the house, a very rare event given the fact that three boys lived there.\u00a0 He walked down the hall and saw Adam dressing Joe.\u00a0 They were in the process of struggling to put on Joe\u2019s boot.\u00a0 Joe was making a face and pushing his foot hard against Adam\u2019s leg.\u00a0 Adam said quietly,\u00a0 \u201cHey buddy, your feet are growin\u2019.\u00a0 Looks like you\u2019re gonna need new boots soon.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Adam, Mama always gets me my boots.\u00a0 Now I won\u2019t get any.\u201d\u00a0 A despondent Joe said to his older brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, I\u2019ll make sure you get some, and we\u2019ll even get ya some candy when we pick out your new ones.\u201d\u00a0 Adam felt sad and despair had settled into him.\u00a0 He was hurting deeply, but found it was easiest to cope by staying busy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stepped in to Little Joe\u2019s room, and Joe saw his father.\u00a0 Joe immediately ran to his father.\u00a0 \u201cPapa, Papa, where have you been?\u00a0 I\u2019ve missed you!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben watched Joe run to him.\u00a0 Hearing Joe\u2019s worries over his boots, and then seeing his youngest run to him, made Ben well up with tears, and he felt overwhelmed.\u00a0 He had not seen Joe since Marie\u2019s accident and seeing the little boy then was more than he felt he could handle.\u00a0 Ben stiffly hugged Joe, and said to Adam,\u00a0 \u201cAdam finish dressing him and come on downstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Papa, I want you to do it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe resisted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, do as I say and finish getting dressed.\u00a0 Here Adam, take him.\u201d\u00a0 And with that Ben moved quickly from the room and cried.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His father\u2019s lack of attention confused Little Joe.\u00a0 He was so happy to see his father, and he believed his father was not happy to see him.\u00a0 He did not understand the grief and pain of his father and interpreted it through little boy eyes-his Papa did not want to be with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam finished dressing a pouting Little Joe, and they moved downstairs.\u00a0 Ben Hoss, and Hop Sing all stood waiting for them.\u00a0 Joe walked over to Hoss, took his brother\u2019s hand, and they all walked out to the waiting carriage.\u00a0 Next to the carriage was a wagon, and in the wagon was the coffin of Marie.\u00a0 The family loaded up for the long journey to the lake, and Marie\u2019s final resting place.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometime into the ride, Little Joe leaned over to Hoss, and in a loud whisper that everyone heard, he asked,\u00a0 \u201cHoss, what\u2019s in that box?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Before Hoss could answer, Adam stepped in.\u00a0 \u201cHere, come here, Joe.\u00a0 Sit on my lap, okay.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe moved over and sat.\u00a0 He asked again, \u201cAdam, what\u2019s in the box?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was overhearing Joe\u2019s question and knew he should say something to his son.\u00a0 He started to speak, but Adam had already begun to answer Joe,\u00a0 \u201cSee Joe, it\u2019s Mama\u2019s body in there, but she aint really in there.\u00a0 Mama is in Heaven now.\u00a0 It\u2019s just her body little buddy, but she is still with us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tried to understand what was going on around him, but it made no sense to him.\u00a0 He had not understood what Adam had said.\u00a0 \u201cWhy had they put Mama in a box?\u00a0 Little Joe knew he did not like his Mama in a box and was becoming afraid.\u00a0 He looked at Hoss, and he saw his brother was crying.\u00a0 He then looked to his father, and again he saw his father was crying.\u00a0 Hop Sing was riding with the family, and as Joe looked at his friend he saw that he too was crying.\u00a0 Little Joe knew what was happening was very bad, but he did not know why, and that made him feel very alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family arrived at the chosen spot, and everyone gathered around the graveside.\u00a0 The circuit preacher had made it out to the graveside, there to perform a small service.\u00a0 A few family friends were present as well.\u00a0 Little Joe stood between Hoss and Adam holding each of their hands.\u00a0 Adam had told Joe as he had helped him out of the carriage, that Joe could stay right between Hoss and himself, and he would be okay.\u00a0 Joe then told Adam,\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Adam.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be a big boy.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be good.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s words made Adam well with tears.\u00a0 Adam knew Joe was trying very hard to understand everything, but it was something for which the little boy had no firm understanding.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe tried hard to stand still and be very big.\u00a0 He was doing well for most of the service, but he really wanted to be held by his father.\u00a0 He knew he was getting too old for that, so he did not ask, but he wanted desperately for his father to hold him.\u00a0 He looked at his father and saw the tears streaming down his face.\u00a0 That scared him.\u00a0 Joe had never seen his father cry and his father\u2019s tear raised fear in his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe remained holding his brothers\u2019 hands until he watched as they started to lower the coffin into the ground.\u00a0 Little Joe suddenly screamed,\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 Don\u2019t do that!\u00a0 Stop it!\u00a0 Mama!\u201d\u00a0 He broke free of Hoss and Adam and ran to one of the men who was lowering the coffin.\u00a0 Joe started beating on the man\u2019s leg saying,\u00a0 \u201cStop it!\u00a0 Stop it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben reached out and grabbed Joe, pulling the little boy up into his arms.\u00a0 Joe began crying hysterically and flailing his arms and legs.\u00a0 \u201cNo Papa!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 They\u2019re gonna put Mama in a hole!\u00a0 No Papa!\u00a0 Make them stop it, Papa!\u00a0 Mama!\u00a0 Mama!\u201d\u00a0 Joe began pounding on his father\u2019s chest.\u00a0 \u201cPapa!\u00a0 Stop \u2018em!\u00a0 NO!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt his son\u2019s small fists hitting him, and it broke his heart.\u00a0 He was trying to control the hysterical child, but nothing comforted Joe.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s screaming was escalating and everyone at the graveside stood in horror as they watched a little boy grieve for his mother.\u00a0 Ben had to walk away from the grave with Joe as he tried to get his son under control.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam were right there with their father and felt helpless.\u00a0 Joe was crying in gasps, and he was pounding on his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShh, Joe.\u00a0 Now, it\u2019s okay.\u00a0 Hush.\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to calm his son, but Joe was beyond calming.\u00a0 The child had reached a point where there was no comfort that could reach him.\u00a0 Joe tried to get away from his father to go to his mother, but Ben held on tight.\u00a0 Joe vacillated between crying out \u201cPapa\u201d and \u201cMama\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben motioned for the preacher to continue as he walked with his youngest and tried to calm him.\u00a0 Ben felt he was living a nightmare.\u00a0 There was no consoling Joseph, and as he looked at Hoss and Adam, he felt more helpless.\u00a0 His boys were hurting and he could not help them.\u00a0 His own pain was enormous, and he wanted nothing more than to hide away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The service concluded and mourners, hesitant to approach Ben, left quietly.\u00a0 Joe was sobbing in his father\u2019s arms, but fatigue had slowed him greatly.\u00a0 He held tight to his father as he sobbed, and he would have nothing of being put down or handed to another.\u00a0 Eventually the little boy, exhausted from the ordeal, was asleep in his father\u2019s arm.\u00a0 His face was soaked with tears as he held tight to his father\u2019s shirt.\u00a0 Ben was then able to undo his son\u2019s grasp and hand him to Adam.\u00a0 Adam held Joe tight, and the family stood alone at Marie Cartwright\u2019s grave, each saying good bye in their own way.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2026Ben had watched his son as he had told of the burial of his mother.\u00a0 Joe had sat very still as his father spoke. His eyes were closed tight, as if he was attempting not to see what was being described.\u00a0 As Ben spoke, Joe remembered more, and he felt a wave come over him like he had never felt before.\u00a0 It was suddenly hard to breathe, and his heart raced.\u00a0 He fought hard to hold down the panic that was rising in him.\u00a0 He started breathing heavily and felt his head swimming.\u00a0 He was back there in his mind.\u00a0 He watched the coffin go into the ground and moaned.\u00a0 The tears came freely, as he thought of his mother being taken from him.\u00a0 He wanted to reach out and stop it.\u00a0 He wanted her back.\u00a0 He felt as if he could not breathe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was crying himself and felt the pain of the loss of the woman he had loved passionately.\u00a0 The feelings came back fresh and raw.\u00a0 He was mourning Marie once more.\u00a0 He knew he had pain in himself he had denied and pushed away, but it came flooding back in drowning waves.\u00a0 He hated to recall the death of his love, but knew he had to put it aside to help their son.\u00a0 He held his focus on Joseph, unsure as to what he should do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He would not have to do anything, because his son would come to him.\u00a0 Joe would reach out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes and saw his father\u2019s tears.\u00a0 Tears that for the first time Joe truly understood.\u00a0 He realized the love his parents had shared, and the love his father had lost.\u00a0 It had never made sense until he had lost his own love, his beloved Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe was gasping for breath as he looked at his father.\u00a0 Tear filled eyes met tear filled eyes, and then Joe collapsed into his father\u2019s arms.\u00a0 He was having difficulty breathing as his heart raced, and he felt the panic of his loss, but he knew of no other place he would rather be than in his father\u2019s arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Father and son embraced and cried.\u00a0 They felt each other\u2019s pain.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s panic quieted within his father\u2019s protection, as his little boy hurts began to be addressed.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s loss hurt a little less because he held the product of his love from Marie in his arms.\u00a0 Joseph had come from his love of Marie and would always be a reminder to him of that love.\u00a0 He was so thankful Joe was like his mother in so many ways.\u00a0 It kept her alive, and it kept Ben young.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe, father and son, stayed rocking each other as they released the pain and hurt of losing love.\u00a0 Finally, Joe sat up and spoke,\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked in a very quiet and young voice.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u00a0 Did Mama know how much I loved her?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Joe, yes she did.\u00a0 She knew you loved her.\u00a0 You told her all the time.\u00a0 You made her so happy.\u00a0 I know she is so proud of you, son.\u00a0 Just as I am.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa I miss her so much.\u00a0 I miss them both.\u00a0 I want to think about them, but then it hurts.\u00a0 Pa, I don\u2019t understand it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I had to lose them.\u00a0 I miss them all the time.\u00a0 I miss Mama still.\u00a0 I always have.\u00a0 Pa, it\u2019s not fair.\u00a0 All those kids in school had their Ma\u2019s and I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I hated it.\u00a0 I wanted her to be there.\u00a0 Mama said it was okay and\u2026 and then I go to school, and the teacher said Mama was wrong.\u00a0 I was so mad, and I uh\u2026 I\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe realized he was talking about something that would make his father possibly feel bad, and he stopped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw Joe stop and immediately helped Joe continue on.\u00a0 \u201cTell me son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t want to, cause I don\u2019t want to hurt anymore.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to be angry with you, Pa.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to hurt you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, as he started to cry again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo son.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 Nothing you could say or do would make me stop loving you.\u00a0 Tell me what happened in school.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you know I went to school after Mama\u2026 uh, after Mama\u2026 after she died?\u00a0 Mama had said it was okay for me to write with my left hand, and the teacher\u2026 uh, Pa, I hated her\u2026 she\u2026 she\u2026 uh\u2026 said, Mama was wrong, and I was writing with the wrong hand.\u00a0 When she said that Pa\u2026 I called her a witch, and I guess I threw a tantrum, cause I brought a note home to you, and you punished me too.\u00a0 Pa, it wasn\u2019t that I wouldn\u2019t obey her\u2026 Pa, she said Mama was wrong.\u00a0 Mama wasn\u2019t wrong, Pa.\u00a0 I do things a lot better with my left hand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben vaguely remembered the incident, but he was amazed at how vivid it was for his son.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you do things fine, and your mother loved you so much.\u00a0 She knew you so well, and I\u2019m sure she was right.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, I know she was right.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry I didn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 Son, I let you down, I see that now, and I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I never did it because of you, Joseph.\u00a0 It was because I loved your mother so much, and I missed her.\u00a0 I just missed her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two remained crying and missing the one that had belonged with them.\u00a0 Eventually, both of them dried of tears for the moment and they hugged.\u00a0 Ben said to his youngest,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, I love you so much, boy.\u00a0 You have no idea what you do for me.\u00a0 Well, I guess I should tell you more often what you have meant to me, rather than just saying what I just did, huh?\u00a0 That\u2019s been our problem, I think.\u00a0 I have assumed you knew a lot more than you actually did, or maybe it was more that I\u2019d hoped you didn\u2019t remember all of the bad and had only good memories.\u00a0 Joe, you\u2019re like your mother in so many ways.\u00a0 I\u2019ve told you that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat listening to his father.\u00a0 He desperately wanted his questions answered.\u00a0 He had gotten answers, or partial answers from his father, and he began to want all of it.\u00a0 He felt he had to have it and believed he deserved it.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I\u2019ve wanted to know her.\u00a0 You all say I\u2019m so much like her, and then you tell me only parts.\u00a0 How am I supposed to know me?\u00a0 You whisper things to Adam about her, and all that does is make me feel dirty.\u00a0 I know you\u2019ve told me parts, Pa.\u00a0 I know you told me it was okay what she did, and you loved her and all of that stuff, but Pa, I deserve to know.\u00a0 I deserve it!\u00a0 I can handle it!\u00a0 I love her.\u00a0 She was my mother.\u00a0 Whatever you tell me, I will not stop loving my mother.\u00a0 She was a wonderful woman.\u00a0 I know that, Pa.\u00a0 I love her regardless of what she did.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Son, it no longer matters.”\u00a0 Ben tried to defuse the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“Yeah it does, Pa!\u00a0 For some reason my mother is whispered about, and talked about, and I am not supposed to hear?\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019ve heard, and Pa, I know my mother more than you think I do!\u00a0 I\u2019ve had enough things implied to me by others, and the whispers only confirm it.\u00a0 Pa, what all you missed was I don\u2019t care!\u00a0 I love her!\u00a0 I loved her regardless of what she did, or who she was!\u00a0 I know she was from the wrong side!\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t from the right places or had the right blood.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care, Pa!\u00a0 She loved you, and she loved me!\u00a0 I know she had a bad life, right from the beginning \u2018cause of her blood, but Pa, I don\u2019t care, and I never did!\u00a0 I loved her, and you kept her away from me by whispering and not telling me all of it.\u00a0 You hid her \u2018cause of her past.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t care!\u00a0 Pa, I don\u2019t care what anyone says unless they hurt her memory by judging her, and then Pa, I\u2019d kill \u2018em.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it doesn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 You need to know what I have told you before.\u00a0 You\u2019re mother was a survivor, and she would not let herself just be devoured by the New Orleans elite.\u00a0 She did what she had to do, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew this was as much as his father could tell him.\u00a0 It had been the answer his father had given him several times before, and he knew he would get no more.\u00a0 Joe truly did not care what his mother had done to survive, and he knew his father needed to protect him, and maybe more importantly, protect her.\u00a0 He would leave the \u201csecret\u201d between them, but he knew what it was.\u00a0 He knew his mother had done what she had to do, and it made him sad, but proud.\u00a0 He was from a woman who endured adversity.\u00a0 He had survival in him.\u00a0 As he thought of this, he felt another message had been given to him.\u00a0 He knew his mother was saying to him not to give in and not to give up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay Pa, I\u2019ll accept that, and I know what you\u2019re really saying, but you have to know one thing.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing,\u2026 nothing, I could find out about Mama that would make me stop loving her.\u00a0 I know she was good.\u00a0 I just wish\u2026 I just wish I could know her now.\u00a0 Sometimes Pa, it\u2019s like she could give me the answers if I could just talk to her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I would like nothing more than for you to have her.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said, the tears returning to his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI know you have done without.\u00a0 I know all three of you have.\u00a0 I wish it had been different.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, it\u2019s not that I love you less.\u201d\u00a0 Joe started trying to ease his father\u2019s pain.\u00a0 He found himself greatly conflicted with the subject.\u00a0 He wanted to know about his mother, but at times it seemed so painful for his father.\u00a0 He struggled to do what was right for both himself and his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, I know that son.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 But, I also know what a mother can do.\u00a0 I watched her with you son, and your mother was wonderful.\u00a0 She was so strong and yet gentle.\u00a0 She knew you so well.\u00a0 She could understand you better than me, I think.\u00a0 She could have helped you with Rebecca.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mention of Rebecca\u2019s name immediately made Joe uncomfortable again.\u00a0 He hated to think of his loss, and hearing her name brought it back full force.\u00a0 He had made himself say her name aloud, but it hurt and he found himself missing her more.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I don\u2019t want to talk about\u2026 her, uh \u2026Rebecca now.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to\u2026 um\u2026 I can only do it \u2026uh\u2026 Pa\u2026 it\u2019s too much.\u00a0 I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized that although he had made progress with his youngest, there was more to go through.\u00a0 The hurt of the loss of Rebecca was still too much for Joe to talk about with him.\u00a0 He noticed Joe could say some things to Kenny.\u00a0 He wondered if this was not the role a woman would play in Joe\u2019s life.\u00a0 Someone he could truly confide in.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s wish for his son was that he would always have someone to tell his secrets to.\u00a0 He secretly wished he could be the person that had been the confidant of the little boy he had raised.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As a child, Joseph had confided several little boy secrets in his father, making his father swear he would never tell.\u00a0 They were small secrets of treasures found, or of small embarrassments Joe had endured, but Ben held them tight.\u00a0 He thought of them and felt the love he had for the child who sat before him.\u00a0 His son had been slow to share, even as a child, and Ben had felt honored to have been granted the revelation of what Joe felt was a deeply guarded secret.\u00a0 He knew the secrets revealed during their talk this day were much more sacred, much more guarded.\u00a0 He also knew his son had not opened up freely and was uncomfortable with the revelations, but Ben felt he was finally understanding the mystery that was his youngest child.\u00a0 He finally knew a bit of the \u201cwhy\u201d of Joseph, and it would help him respond to his son in the future.\u00a0 He felt he had been given a great gift.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had pulled away from his father after Rebecca\u2019s name had been mentioned, and the two went about fishing as if they had not talked.\u00a0 Although each knew the other better than they had previously, each profoundly felt the pain of loss.\u00a0 Each stayed in his own thoughts as he tried to remember and forget: remember the good and leave the bad un-remembered and unfelt.\u00a0 Neither was successful, and the mood was somber.\u00a0 They felt the pain more than they had in years.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Ponderosa endured as it always had, but there was a mood that had overtook the ranch when Joe rode away on the bay mare.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss had spent many hours trying to reassure themselves that everything was fine.\u00a0 The longer they went without hearing again from their father, the more they worried that perhaps there were troubles that their father had not shared.\u00a0 Each knew that there was trouble when their father had left, and it was not like him to keep them in the dark.\u00a0 But, neither believed they should go to their father.\u00a0 They knew their father would ask them to come if he truly needed them, and for them to go in pursuit without asking, could harm whatever it was their father was working on.\u00a0 They also knew deep down there had to be something wrong with Joe.\u00a0 They both prayed he was safe and would come home soon.\u00a0 Neither slept well and both were afraid of the loss they could experience if their father was not successful in retrieving their wayward brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss\u2019s pursuit of Cochise had proved futile as well.\u00a0 The horse would approach them and almost seem willing to go with them, but as soon as a rope appeared, the pinto would become skittish and bolt away.\u00a0 Both had tried together and separate to make the pony feel safe enough to return to the barn.\u00a0 They realized that Cochise would only return when she was ready.\u00a0 They could not corner her, and they could not force her.\u00a0 The pony was so much like her master.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If Ben had been truly honest with himself, he would have to admit he was overwhelmed with the emotion that Joe had inside of him.\u00a0 Ben needed to have a break from the intensity, and he decided Joe could use one as well.\u00a0 He knew Little Joe loved nothing better than a fish fry and checkers.\u00a0 Ben was determined to see his youngest better and decided the evening he had planned would lift Joe\u2019s spirits.\u00a0 He longed to see his son smile.\u00a0 Ben enlisted the aid of Kenny once the two had returned from fishing, and Kenny and Ben went about preparing a great feast.\u00a0 Joe was quiet and spent the time after fishing helping to prepare the fish and then sitting quietly by the fire staring pensively into the flames.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reviewed the past few days he had spent there in the cabin and felt himself confused and anxious.\u00a0 He had told his father so much more than he had ever thought of sharing.\u00a0 He realized his father was able to hold what he had said, but Joe felt sad none the less.\u00a0 He felt as if he had added to his father\u2019s burden.\u00a0 It was as if to lighten his own burden, he had to add to his father\u2019s.\u00a0 He never liked hurting his father.\u00a0 He was so torn with the anger and hurt he felt.\u00a0 He watched his father as he cleaned the fish for their supper.\u00a0 He loved the man he watched more than he loved anyone, and he prayed his father would not leave him because of what was happening between them.\u00a0 It was all new to Joe.\u00a0 He was not used to confiding in his father the way he was, and his fear of being left was overwhelming.\u00a0 He wanted his father\u2019s love and his father\u2019s presence.\u00a0 It seemed his father\u2019s presence mattered most to him.\u00a0 He wanted to be angry at his father, but also wanted his father to be there when it was all over, and the anger left.\u00a0 He prayed his father could understand him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The supper turned out to be the feast Ben had hoped for.\u00a0 Joe had caught the biggest fish and had made a comment about offering to teach his father how to properly fish.\u00a0 Ben relished the attempt Joe had made at being east going.\u00a0 Ben watched Joe throughout the meal and desperately missed the lighthearted nature of his youngest child.\u00a0 Many suppers had been disturbed or interrupted by Joe\u2019s silliness at the table.\u00a0 Ben remembered the punishments doled out for his son\u2019s failure to behave at the table.\u00a0 He longed to have to discipline Joe again for some stunt pulled when they were eating.\u00a0 He became optimistic that Joe would even attempt to make a lighthearted comment.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny observed father and son and knew she was watching something truly special develop between the two.\u00a0 She could see each was so cautious and wanted to spare the other from more hurt, but she also saw they had more to share.\u00a0 The father looked tired and worried.\u00a0 He watched his son with apprehension and fear.\u00a0 Kenny longed to tell Joe of the love she saw coming from his father.\u00a0 She looked at the son and saw a health slowly returning.\u00a0 Joe was growing and changing.\u00a0 She saw a different person than the one she had seen in the saloon.\u00a0 She wished she could tell the father that he was doing what needed to be done, and she was confident the son would return.\u00a0 Instead, Kenny said little and decided to watch the beautiful drama in front of her.\u00a0 She was learning more of love, and she knew she could watch and learn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After dinner, Ben decided to continue his plan to lighten the spirits of his son.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, hey, I found some checkers.\u00a0 Wanna play?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Checkers was a game Joe excelled at, and very rarely would he turn down a game.\u00a0 He had mastered the game on his brother Hoss and had developed quite a reputation as being ruthless in his desire to win.\u00a0 It had resulted at times, in Joe giving into temptation, and distracting his older brother, so he could rearrange the board more to his liking.\u00a0 Adam and Ben had been referee to several checker squabbles.\u00a0 Joe looked at his father as he decided if he could tolerate more connection.\u00a0 He made his decision.\u00a0 \u201cUh,\u2026 yeah\u2026 sure, I\u2019ll play.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe sat for the game, Ben breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 He had hoped his son would say yes.\u00a0 As they set up the game pieces, Ben tried to settle into the traditional Cartwright evening which was small talk and reminiscing.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I bet your brother Hoss is dying to play you again.\u00a0 I think he decided to buy that book he saw on bettering his strategy and may now have it.\u00a0 You may have something to worry about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hearing Hoss\u2019s name and the reference to past checker games made Joe smile briefly.\u00a0 He had missed his brothers, but he had not allowed himself to have much thought about them.\u00a0 As he heard Hoss\u2019s name, he remembered their times playing checkers, arguing over moves and countermoves.\u00a0 Joe felt bad he had not asked of his brothers.\u00a0 \u201cPa, um how are Hoss and Adam?\u00a0 I, uh was wondering about them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell Joe, they miss you very much.\u00a0 Both of them have been very worried, and I\u2019m sure they were glad to hear the news that I had found you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wanted to ask his father more questions about his brothers.\u00a0 He had wondered how they were each fairing and wanted to know the daily lives of his siblings, but it was too much for Joe to realize at that time.\u00a0 If he had, then he would soon realize he was missing the Ponderosa and his home.\u00a0 It was too much for him to understand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had moved over to watch the game in progress.\u00a0 Ben and Joe took the game very seriously, and whomever won would be a legitimate winner, because both players knew the other would know their opponent had given his all and had lost to the more worthy victor.\u00a0 As they played, Ben decided to try to keep the mood lighthearted and casual.\u00a0 He began telling Kenny of the rivalries between Joe and Hoss over checkers.\u00a0 Kenny laughed aloud as she listened to the life or death competitions.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened as well and was allowing himself to re-experience the laughter and happiness the stories brought.\u00a0 The mood was light, and Joe took advantage of his father\u2019s distraction into recounting tales of his boys to beat him at checkers.\u00a0 Ben took his defeat gracefully and challenged for another go round.\u00a0 Joe quickly agreed.\u00a0 For a little while they all forgot the circumstances that had lead them to the hunting cabin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The new game also brought new tales of his boys, and Ben generously shared them with Kenny.\u00a0 Kenny enjoyed the stories and watched Joe intently.\u00a0 She found herself thinking that she would love to have this time together go on forever.\u00a0 Her love for Joe had deepened since being in the cabin, and she knew she would always love him.\u00a0 She felt herself drawn to him even more and loved hearing of his life and his family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was rather pleased with how the evening was turning out.\u00a0 It had been the closest to the type of evening the Cartwrights had shared prior to the loss of Rebecca.\u00a0 Ben allowed himself to relax.\u00a0 It was in his final story that Joe would again be propelled back into the hurt of loss of Rebecca.\u00a0 Ben began telling the story of how his three boys had decided they would capture the stallion of the herd that ran the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Each had their own motives for the capture, and as the episode unveiled it was evident each had no idea what they would actually do with the wild animal.\u00a0 They had fed off of each other\u2019s desire, and it had taken little for the three to feel as if it was a wonderful idea and needed to be accomplished.\u00a0 They set about trying to accomplish the feat, and they were quickly bested by the wild animal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben told the story, Joe had at first found himself smiling at the memory of himself and his brother\u2019s in hot pursuit of the renegade horse.\u00a0 He then remembered his own tale of the event to Rebecca, and her hearty laugh at the scene as Joe described it to her. \u00a0He had added plenty of dramatics, and life daring feats in his account, and he thought of them as his father\u2019s voice disappeared from consciousness, and the memory of his own account to Rebecca took shape in his mind.\u00a0 He thought of her laugh, her smile, her face, and was quickly overcome.\u00a0 Joe tried to fight the desire to cry, but the power of it was too strong, and he was caught in the memory.\u00a0 He began to feel the tears and needed to leave the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All of a sudden Joe interrupted Ben\u2019s account of events.\u00a0 \u201c\u201dS\u2019cuse me.\u201d\u00a0 he said, as he stood and rapidly left the room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Kenny sat for a moment in shock at Joe\u2019s reaction.\u00a0 He had been sitting with them, and suddenly he had clouded over and appeared ready to cry.\u00a0 They watched him walk out of the room before it dawned on either to follow after.\u00a0 Ben was on his feet as soon as the shock passed and was out the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once outside, Ben walked to his son and asked,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, what is it son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNothin\u2019, Pa,\u00a0 It\u2019s nothin\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I just miss her, and I want to be alone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was unsure who the \u2018her\u2019 was that Joe was referring to.\u00a0 He had talked with his son all day of his mother, but knew Joe was grieving for two women, and Rebecca was an unspoken between them.\u00a0 He saw Joe was again tearful and longed to take away his child\u2019s pain.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I don\u2019t think you should be alone.\u00a0 I want to be here with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, please!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben saw his son look so very sad, and he knew there would be more tears shed.\u00a0 He looked at Joe and was torn. \u00a0He knew everyone deserved time alone to grieve and mourn, but his son had done things that were terrifying, and he hesitated to leave his youngest.\u00a0 Ben said, \u201cOkay Joe, but I will stay right over here.\u00a0 You take care of yourself, but I\u2019m here, son.\u00a0 Right here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew his father was worried and needed to keep him in sight.\u00a0He walked a little further so the dark gave him privacy, and he allowed the tears to flow.\u00a0 He felt the loss of his love, and his heart ached.\u00a0 He thought of Rebecca and relived so many things in his head.\u00a0 He cried until he could shed no more tears, and then he retreated to the cabin and tried to keep himself from his thoughts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Evening turned to night, and Joe felt exhausted.\u00a0 He had worked physically grueling jobs often on the ranch, but the exhaustion he had felt in those jobs paled in comparison to the fatigue he was currently experiencing.\u00a0 His eyes hurt from the tears, and his head hurt from crying so hard.\u00a0 He remained quiet and solemn as he undressed and laid down.\u00a0 He was quickly asleep.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had followed his son back into the cabin and busied himself making a fire.\u00a0 By the time he had finished and turned around, Joe was in bed, asleep.\u00a0 His mood became very somber when he thought of the reason for his son\u2019s fatigue.\u00a0 Ben felt a tiredness in him and knew his son was experiencing it so much deeper.\u00a0 He began to think about how he had so greatly underestimated the problems he would come up against in Sacramento.\u00a0 He sat and looked at his son as he thought of what they had gone through together since the death of Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could accept his son\u2019s reaction to Rebecca\u2019s death because of his own reaction to Marie\u2019s.\u00a0 He could not blame Joe for the choices he had made, and he started to realize he and his youngest may have more in common than he ever imagined.\u00a0 He found the realization that there was more of him in his son than he had in the past assumed to be comforting, and this in turn increased the bond he felt with Joseph.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben reviewed the events of\u00a0the past few months, he realized the depths of despair his son had experienced, and how easily Ben could have lost his boy to suicide.\u00a0 He also reviewed how far Joe had come since he had seen him sitting in the saloon, drunk and playing cards.\u00a0 Joe had made progress, and Ben did see that his son was coming back, but he worried how far Joe could actually travel back.\u00a0 He secretly feared the son he knew before Rebecca\u2019s death was gone forever, and Joe would come most of the way back to him and then stop.\u00a0 He found he really missed the lighter side of his child and had felt himself disappointed that Joe could not remain lighthearted for the remainder of the evening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben began to try and formulate what he needed to do in order to maximize the chance that he would have his son fully returned to his former self.\u00a0 Joe had been unable to talk with him about Rebecca and it was like pulling teeth to get him to share about his mother.\u00a0 He knew there was more to go through, and he would have to be there next to his son as the journey was taken.\u00a0 He was not looking forward to the journey.\u00a0 He was tired and did not know if he could meet his son\u2019s intensity.\u00a0 He worried he would let Joe down again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Ben sat wondering about his own ability to measure up, he saw Joe begin to become upset, but it was different this time than the nightmares.\u00a0 Ben watched as Joe actually began to moan and then cry in his sleep.\u00a0 He saw his son was fully asleep, and he admitted to himself he did not feel able to handle an emotional and awake Joseph.\u00a0 He made his way quickly over to his son and began to rub his son\u2019s arm.\u00a0 He spoke to his child, praying the child would sleep through the pain,\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe.\u00a0 You\u2019re okay, son.\u00a0 I\u2019m here, and it\u2019s all gonna be okay.\u201d\u00a0 Ben looked and saw the tears falling from his sleeping child\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 He rubbed Joe\u2019s arm and spoke quietly until Joe calmed.\u00a0 Joe finally quieted and rolled away from his father.\u00a0 Ben realized he had been holding his breathe and exhaled softly.\u00a0 As he finally laid down to rest next to his youngest, he said a prayer.\u00a0 He prayed for strength and understanding, he prayed for the end of the suffering to come quickly, and he prayed for his son to be restored.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

The emotional upheaval of the previous days weighed heavily on all three of the cabin\u2019s occupants.\u00a0 The following days passed with little meaningful interactions.\u00a0 Each remained emotionally shut down, needing to restore their emotional reserves.\u00a0 The atmosphere remained tense, but no one was willing to broach anything deeper than asking what was to eat or to make comments on the weather.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe found himself sleeping hard and spent long hours resting, as his body demanded that he would attend to it\u2019s needs.\u00a0 He experienced nightmares off and on, as his mind tried to come to terms with the loss of the women he had loved.\u00a0 In waking hours, he began to attempt to exercise his leg by walking through the woods.\u00a0 He was always accompanied by either his father or Kenny, but there was little conversation as Joe focused on stepping firmly and confidently on his injured limb.\u00a0 His leg allowed him to walk, but he found it aching after he had spent the day moving about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben cautiously watched his son and knew he was allowing Joe to avoid talking.\u00a0 He wondered if he was being selfish, but he also knew he had to have a break from the intensity.\u00a0 He made himself remain connected to his son by being physically present for Joe.\u00a0 He also made himself attentive and looked for anything Joe would need to help him understand and handle the emotions inside of him.\u00a0 He made himself think of Marie\u2019s death and the hurt he had experienced in order to allow him to connect with his child.\u00a0 He knew making himself do this was the only way he could do it.\u00a0 Otherwise, it was much too overwhelming; much too painful.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It had been four days since Ben and Joe had been fishing and had discussed Marie\u2019s burial.\u00a0 Both father and son were hesitant to talk, and they spent their time doing a dance around each other and the emotions neither wished to experience.\u00a0 Ben and Kenny had taken to their customary morning coffee and discussion.\u00a0 Ben had found himself relaxing with the saloon girl, and they were able to talk about emotionally charged subjects.\u00a0 From this Ben was able to gain further understanding of himself and his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny and Ben were enjoying a second cup of coffee when Joe emerged from the cabin.\u00a0 It was obvious Joe had just woke and he looked disheveled.\u00a0 His hair was tousled and his clothes were rumpled.\u00a0 He grumbled a good morning to his father and Kenny and then moved down to the stream.\u00a0 He cleaned himself up and thought of the peacefulness of the meadow and the stream.\u00a0 He breathed deeply and closed his eyes to the sensual assault of nature.\u00a0 He thought of the Ponderosa and the enjoyment he experienced when riding alone and experiencing the sights and sounds of the land.\u00a0 He thought of long rides he had taken and the enjoyment of riding on Cochise.\u00a0 He allowed himself to think briefly of what it would be like to go back home.\u00a0 He thought to himself, \u201cIf only I could go back and not hurt so bad.\u00a0 If only I could handle it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He shook his head to clear the thoughts.\u00a0 Joe felt confusion as he tried to determine what it was he needed for himself.\u00a0 He had never really given that question much thought; he had just assumed his family knew best, although he knew he fought against it at times.\u00a0 He had always been his father\u2019s son and a little brother.\u00a0 He allowed a small admission to himself that when he had run from the Ponderosa, he had reacted to the pain and ran because he wanted away from it.\u00a0 He had no idea if he had made the right decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finished cleaning up and headed up the hill.\u00a0 He was quiet as he ascended and overheard his father and Kenny talking.\u00a0 He heard his father say,\u00a0 \u201c\u2026it has to be part of God\u2019s will.\u00a0 There\u2019s no other explanation for all of this.\u00a0 I wish Joseph could accept this.\u00a0 I wish it would help him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe crested the hill, and Ben saw an angry look on his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 He had stopped talking when he saw Joe and was unaware of the reason for the look.\u00a0 Joe glared at his father briefly, and then walked past him into the cabin and slammed the door.\u00a0 Kenny and Ben looked at each other, again confused about the reaction in Joseph.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it now?\u201d\u00a0 Ben asked himself. \u00a0He felt as if dealing with his son was equivalent to walking through an open field with arrows being fired at him.\u00a0 He took a deep breathe and stood, gathering himself together to enter into another emotional storm with his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben walked in to see his son throwing his clothes into a pile in the corner and muttering to himself.\u00a0 He did not bother to look at his father as he stormed around the room.\u00a0 Ben stood watching.\u00a0 Eventually Joe sniped, \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt the intensity of Joe\u2019s question and paused before answering, \u201cWhy are you mad?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reeled around and unloaded on his father,\u00a0 \u201cWhy am I mad?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 You wanna know why?\u00a0 I am sick of hearing it\u2019s all God\u2019s will!\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s why I\u2019m mad, Pa!\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard that my whole life!\u00a0 That\u2019s the answer I was given over and over for Mama dying!\u00a0 Now it\u2019s the same answer I get for Rebecca!\u00a0 I don\u2019t want that answer!\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t help me!\u00a0 God is mean and cruel and all He does is punish!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I did so wrong!\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried and tried, and I can\u2019t even figure out what I did that was so bad!\u00a0 What was it, Pa?\u00a0 What did I do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was taken aback by what his son was saying to him.\u00a0 He found himself again surprised with what Joseph was thinking.\u00a0 He briefly flashed back to his little boy asking if the reason his mother was no longer with him was because she was mad at him. \u201cSon, you didn\u2019t do anything wrong.\u00a0 Why would you think you did something wrong?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy am I being punished, Pa?\u00a0 I had to have done something!\u00a0 Was it \u2018cause I let her drive the wagon?\u00a0 Or is God just that mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, it isn\u2019t like that.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like that at all.\u00a0 God isn\u2019t punishing you.\u00a0 What happened to your mother and to Rebecca was not because of something you did or didn\u2019t do.\u00a0 You\u2019re wrong.\u00a0 It was because of things you have no control over.\u00a0 We don\u2019t know all of it son.\u00a0 We can\u2019t know all of it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I have to know.\u00a0 I have to know how to make sure it doesn\u2019t happen again.\u00a0 I have to try and make sure I don\u2019t lose anyone else.\u00a0 I can\u2019t lose anyone else!\u00a0 Why won\u2019t God just tell me instead of all of this?\u00a0 Why does He make it so I wanted it so much and then He takes it and then it hurts so bad?\u00a0 Why is He so mean, Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The expression on Joe\u2019s face broke Ben\u2019s heart.\u00a0 Joe was asking questions men had asked through the ages.\u00a0 He was asking questions Ben had asked himself in his time of loss.\u00a0 He was asking questions Ben was not certain he had answers for.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I\u2019m not sure what to tell you.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure what to say that will take it all away for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, when I was little, and I would ask you about why Mama was dead, you would say it was God\u2019s will.\u00a0 Did God want me without my mother?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Why did He want that for me?\u00a0 You\u2019d say God\u2019s will and I never understood it.\u00a0 It never made me feel better, Pa.\u00a0 I felt worse.\u00a0 Was it supposed to help?\u00a0 Is there something wrong with me that makes it so that doesn\u2019t work for me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, son there is nothing wrong with you.\u00a0 You see those words don\u2019t take the hurt away, and looking back on all of this Joseph, I know now that those words were not what you needed to hear at all.\u00a0 Son, God isn\u2019t punishing you.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t do anything wrong.\u00a0 I know where your pain comes from son, it comes from me having let you down.\u00a0 You needed me.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one you\u2019re so angry with, son.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one who didn\u2019t comfort you.\u00a0 I know I left.\u00a0 Joseph, you remember it right.\u00a0 After we buried your mother I took to my room and was not there for a while.\u00a0 You had to have been full of so many questions and fears, son.\u00a0 You were left to try and make sense of something that was so very hard to do.\u00a0 I know it had to have been, because I was grown and didn\u2019t understand it.\u00a0 You were five and needed your father.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut why did He take Rebecca too, Pa?\u00a0 Why couldn\u2019t I just be able to marry Bec and be happy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, son.\u00a0 I know it was nothing to do with anything you did wrong.\u00a0 What happened with Rebecca was an accident.\u00a0 That\u2019s all it was.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, I guess I let her drive those horses.\u00a0 I was wrong to do that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knew he had a question to ask his son and he feared Joseph\u2019s answer, but also knew he had to know.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, I want you to answer me honestly.\u00a0 Do you blame me for your mother\u2019s death?\u00a0 After all, you know I gave her the horse she fell from.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes got big and he shook his head,\u00a0 \u201cOh no, Pa. No.\u00a0 That\u2019s silly.\u00a0 It was an accident.\u00a0 No you weren\u2019t\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Joe stopped as he thought of what his father had asked him.\u00a0 Were the two situations similar?\u00a0 \u201cuh, you are, uh making a point aren\u2019t you, Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben smiled at his son and shook his head.\u00a0 He was relieved Joe saw the situations as similar.\u00a0 \u201cSon, I have grown to realize something since we have been together here.\u00a0 I always thought that you were so similar to your mother, that I did not fully notice the similarity between you and me. \u00a0Son, what you did with Rebecca, your reaction to her death was so very similar to mine in your mother\u2019s death.\u00a0 Maybe that is why I couldn\u2019t reach you at the ranch.\u00a0 Maybe it is why it was so hard for you, and why I felt so helpless with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened to his father\u2019s words and did not speak.\u00a0 He had not thought how he and his father had been similar.\u00a0 At times in his life he had wondered how much Cartwright was actually in him.\u00a0 He heard for the first time that maybe there was more than he thought. His father\u2019s observation began to rattle around inside of him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, can I tell you about something?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben felt himself encouraged.\u00a0 \u201cCertainly son.\u00a0 Let\u2019s sit down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe sat near the fireplace, and Joe spoke.\u00a0 \u201cPa, um, there is something else I remember, and it\u2019s really stupid, but I wanna tell you.\u00a0 I know it was a way a kid thinks, but maybe, I\u2019m not so sure.\u00a0 Maybe\u2026 I huh, I tried to uh\u2026 this sounds really stupid to say out loud.\u00a0 Pa, I uh, thought maybe I could uh, bring her back, if I was good enough.\u00a0 I remember hearing something in church, and I guess I didn\u2019t understand what they were saying, cause I thought that if I was really good, then Mama would come back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Joe shared his final, painful memory from a time when he felt so alone and wanted nothing more than his mother back\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The circuit preacher made the rounds through the territory, and Ben made it a point to have himself and his boys in attendance at church anytime they could make it away from the obligations at the ranch, and the preacher was close enough to make the journey.\u00a0 Ben had found solace in attending services after Marie\u2019s death, and it made his pain a little easier to bear.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Sunday morning had started out with an enormous battle between Joseph and Hop Sing.\u00a0 Hop Sing had taken upon himself the job of dressing the youngest Cartwright and getting him down with the others.\u00a0 The job had been one Hop Sing had insisted he do because in his opinion, the others would either not take the care and concern to dress Joseph appropriately or they would create much more chaos than necessary.\u00a0 Hop Sing believed no one could do it as well as himself.\u00a0 He felt that if Little Joe had said he wanted to wear clothes that did not match, his brothers would let him do it in order to avoid the battle.\u00a0 On the other hand, the boy\u2019s father tended to battle the child, and both Joe and his father would end up in a foul mood for many hours afterwards.\u00a0 Hop Sing found that he was the one that could keep the peace, and also not allow Joe to go out looking like a ragamuffin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing usually enjoyed these mornings with the boy.\u00a0 He would have to wake Joe several times, because of Joe\u2019s tendency to fall quickly back to sleep.\u00a0 Hop Sing would usually end up dressing a half asleep Little Joe.\u00a0 He would call out commands in a combination of languages, both in Cantonese and English, such as, \u201chold out arm,\u201d and Little Joe would respond.\u00a0 This was the normal dressing routine.\u00a0 However, this particular Sunday, Little Joe was feeling obstinate.\u00a0 Hop Sing had no way of knowing the child had not slept well due to bad dreams of things that lurked in the dark, ready to devour little boys.\u00a0 All he knew was he was in a battle with a five year old and was unsure who would win.\u00a0 Little Joe fussed and held tight to the bed, wishing to sleep.\u00a0 As Hop Sing forced the issue, Little Joe began to cry.\u00a0 He told his beloved friend he was mean and was hurting him as he put on his shirt.\u00a0 As Hop Sing buttoned the shirt to the top button, Little Joe protested that he could not breathe and undid the button.\u00a0 He yelled out how much he hated the shirt he was given, and it was \u201cscratchy\u201d.\u00a0 As the pants went on, Little Joe told Hop Sing they were too tight, and they no longer fit.\u00a0 Hop Sing could feel the child had plenty of room and continued to dress him.\u00a0 Little Joe tried to scamper away, back to bed, but the faithful cook held tight.\u00a0 As the boots went on Little Joe squealed, swearing his friend was breaking his toes.\u00a0 Hop Sing shook his head and continued to push the boots onto the child\u2019s feet.\u00a0 After dressing the child, Hop Sing stood back to admire his handiwork.\u00a0 The child was so naturally handsome, but Hop Sing laughed a moment.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s hair was sticking straight up in the back, and it was obvious the child had just gotten out of bed.\u00a0 Hop Sing moved him over to the wash basin and wetted his hands.\u00a0 He then ran them over the naturally curly hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing that\u2019s all wet.\u00a0 Don\u2019t do that.\u00a0 It makes me all cold.\u00a0 You\u2019re gonna make me all sick, and then I\u2019ll die.\u201d\u00a0 Little Joe protested.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe stand still.\u00a0 You be handsome boy if you stand still and let Hop Sing fix hair.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t wanna be handsome.\u00a0 This is yucky.\u00a0 I wanna go to sleep, Hop Sing.\u00a0 Tell Papa I\u2019m too sleepy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Little Joe, you be good boy.\u00a0 You not make Papa mad.\u00a0 You go downstairs and eat breakfast.\u00a0 Not be bad boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stuck out his lower lip and tried to pout his way out of having to leave his room and join the others downstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe be very bad.\u00a0 You not should get pancakes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe heard the word pancakes, and that was all it took to get the child out of his room and down the stairs.\u00a0 Hop Sing smiled as he saw the little boy run down the stairs to his favorite breakfast.\u00a0 He was running to the table in seconds flat and paused briefly to greet his father and brothers.\u00a0 \u201cHi Papa!\u00a0 Hi Hoss!\u00a0 Hi Adam!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He landed in his chair with a smile on his face; gone the sleepy little boy who was protesting the morning upstairs.\u00a0 He sat in his seat; his feet nowhere near the floor and grabbed for the pancakes on the tray in front of him.\u00a0 It was not the doughy cakes he truly desired; they were only there to soak up the sweet syrup Little Joe loved.\u00a0 He reached for the pitcher of syrup wanting to pour it onto his plate.\u00a0 Ben reminded his youngest, \u00a0\u201cJoseph, it is too heavy.\u00a0 Here let me help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The syrup, hot from Hop Sing\u2019s kitchen, poured over the cakes with help from his father, and Little Joe smiled.\u00a0 His brothers and father watched the little boy get excited over his breakfast and each tried to help.\u00a0 Little Joe was stubborn in his unwillingness to view himself as only five.\u00a0 He was surrounded by people much older than himself and wanted to be like them in every way.\u00a0 His family at times forgot he was a little boy, as they too desired him to grow up quicker than was natural.\u00a0 To handle a child, especially a precocious one was much more difficult and cumbersome.\u00a0 It resulted in conflict, a little boy trying to be older and failing, and a family wanting an older child and getting a little boy.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had devoured two pancakes and decided he wanted more.\u00a0 He selected two more and then went quickly to pouring the syrup.\u00a0 In childlike fashion, as the boy helped himself, he overestimated his need, and the syrup flowed over the cakes, onto the table, and as the boy tried to stop it, onto the boy\u2019s hands.\u00a0\u00a0 Joe felt the syrup hit his hands and instinctively wiped them on his shirt.\u00a0 This did not remove the sticky substance, and Little Joe went about marking everything he touched.\u00a0 Hop Sing had traveled down to the family and saw the spectacle unfold.\u00a0 Joe was trying to get himself free of the syrup and everything he came in contact with was caught in little boy sticky fingers.\u00a0 One of the victims of the carnage of Little Joe and the sticky syrup was Adam. \u00a0Joe was trying to remove the syrup when he reached out, and Adam\u2019s shirt was marked.\u00a0 Little Joe pulled back afraid.\u00a0 Adam looked down at the child\u2019s handprint on his new shirt and immediately felt anger.\u00a0 \u201cJeez Joe, watch it!\u00a0 You got my new shirt all messed!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stepped back and then looked at his father and saw a scowl.\u00a0 He looked at Hoss and saw his beloved brother avoiding his eye.\u00a0 He tried to smile at his father, but he knew it did not work.\u00a0 Ben stood and took his youngest\u2019s arm in his hand.\u00a0 He gave a swat on Little Joe\u2019s behind, and Joe immediately started to cry.\u00a0 He was more upset at the embarrassment than the pain his father could induce.\u00a0 Ben quickly called Hop Sing and told him to redress the youngest Cartwright.\u00a0 Ben then returned to Adam and apologized.\u00a0 Adam quickly realized he was dealing with his little brother; a child only five and said, \u201cAh Pa, Little Joe didn\u2019t know what he was doing.\u00a0 He got excited.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The three, Hoss, Adam and their father held each other\u2019s gaze for a moment and then started to laugh.\u00a0 They all thought of the small child trying to be grown by helping himself.\u00a0 For a while Joe had become more of a baby after his mother had died, sucking his thumb and being more clingy, and now here he was trying to do for himself.\u00a0 It was a good sign that Joe was returning to his former self, but his former self was at times a little too grown for his own good.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The family finally made it out of the house with Joe freshly scrubbed once more, and both Joe and Adam in clean shirts.\u00a0 They rode in a carriage to the small church.\u00a0 Little Joe sat next to Hoss, and the two brothers giggled and laughed as they whispered between them.\u00a0 Ben and Adam discussed the running of the ranch, and every so often they would be interrupted by a question from Little Joe or Hoss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once at the church, Little Joe was placed in between his father and Adam during the service due to his tendency to either start whispering with Hoss, or for both boys to begin to make noise that would distract the other worshippers.\u00a0 As the service started and Little Joe was required to sit still, he became sleepy and eventually his head came to rest on his father\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 Ben felt the weight of Joe against him and found it comforting.\u00a0 He said a short prayer thanking God for his boys.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The circuit preacher was talking on Heaven as Little Joe slept soundly.\u00a0 His father eventually had to move his arm due to the pressure from his youngest\u2019s head, and the movement woke Little Joe.\u00a0 Joe was groggy, and it took a while for him to wake.\u00a0 Once he was aware, he thought he heard a story he would hold close to him.\u00a0 Little Joe came awake to hear the pastor saying\u2026\u00a0 \u201cAnd the truly good, the pure and the good of heart will see the dead again.\u00a0 They will see the ones they loved once more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard the Pastor\u2019s words and sat thinking over times he had tried, but had failed, to be good.\u00a0 He vowed to himself he would remain a good boy, and he would make everyone happy.\u00a0 \u201cAfter all, it\u2019s worth a try.\u201d\u00a0 Little Joe thought.\u00a0 He missed his mother, and the preacher said it was so easy to get her back.\u00a0 \u201cJust be a good boy.\u201d Little Joe reasoned,\u00a0 \u201cJust don\u2019t mess up, and Mama will be back.\u201d\u00a0 Little Joe vowed at that point that he would be perfect.\u00a0 He missed his mother so, and he thought if she knew how hard he was trying, she would come and rejoin the Cartwright family.\u00a0 He believed it because he was a child.\u00a0 He needed help understanding the reality of the loss of his mother, and what the words the pastor said had really meant.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Little Joe thought of whispering a question to his father, but stopped when he realized he was going to do something that could be bad, namely whispering in church.\u00a0 He did not share with his father what he had concluded after hearing the preacher.\u00a0 If he had, the message he had interpreted from the preacher would have been clarified for him, but Joe was more concerned about the return of his mother, so he said nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The sermon ended and after brief socializing, the Cartwrights headed back to the ranch.\u00a0 Joe mulled over in his head all of the things he would do right from that moment forward.\u00a0 He was carrying on an animated conversation with Hoss and impulsively began to argue with his brother.\u00a0 He immediately caught himself when his father gave him one of Ben Cartwright\u2019s famous looks and Joe immediately apologized.\u00a0 He told himself to try harder and avoided further arguments with Hoss.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The afternoon and evening passed with Little Joe weighing every move he made.\u00a0 His behavior was noticed by his family and more than once his father or brothers asked him if he was feeling okay.\u00a0 He tried to remember all of his manners and having watched and observed adults interact, Joe mimicked the adults he had heard and thanked his family for their concern.\u00a0 Each of the Cartwright\u2019s shook their heads and wondered what it was that Little Joe was up to.\u00a0 Joe did not share his revelation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As it is with children, the passing of time did not mean the same for Joe as it did for the rest of the family.\u00a0 He had been home from church only a brief period, when he assumed he had been good for an appropriate amount of time.\u00a0 He ran to the door, opened it and looked for his mother.\u00a0 Joe had assumed she would ride up on the same horse she had been thrown from, and he listened for horse\u2019s hooves.\u00a0 He stood on the porch waiting for his mother, but eventually returned into the house and back to trying to be even better than he had previously been.\u00a0 This behavior continued throughout the day as Joe tried to will his mother back to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Evening finally came, and the family made their way to the table for dinner.\u00a0 Joe had not heard Hop Sing\u2019s original summons to the table, because he was lost in war games with his soldiers.\u00a0 When he realized he was late to the supper table, he rose quickly and started to run for the table.\u00a0 In his haste, he ran too close to a table holding a vase; a gift from his father to his mother.\u00a0 The vase wobbled and then fell shattering on the floor.\u00a0 Joe stopped dead in his tracks.\u00a0 He looked with horror at the fragments that scattered the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was immediately to his feet and saw what lay shattered on the floor.\u00a0 He yelled, \u201cJoseph!\u201d as he felt the anger and disappointment rise in him.\u00a0 He then looked at his youngest.\u00a0 He saw Joe looking pale and scared; frozen in his tracks.\u00a0 Joe looked at what was left of the vase and then up at his father.\u00a0 He immediately broke into tears.\u00a0 Joe was crying, but it was for something other than what his father assumed.\u00a0 Ben had thought Joe was crying out of fear for what his father would do to discipline him.\u00a0 But instead, Joe was crying because he had assumed the breaking of the vase made it so that he had been bad, and therefore, he had messed up his plan.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben asked,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, what have I told you about running in the house?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe became even more upset and started crying harder.\u00a0 Ben watched his child and felt confused.\u00a0 Joe was much more upset than usual, and it did not make sense.\u00a0 His son was almost hysterical.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s reaction reduced the anger in Ben, and he walked over to his little boy.\u00a0 Joe was speaking, but Ben had difficulty making out what was being said through his son\u2019s gasps.\u00a0 He did hear the words, \u201cMama\u201d and \u201ccome back\u201d but could make out nothing further.\u00a0 Ben knelt down so he was looking at his son in the eye.\u00a0 He said quietly,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, you know you are not supposed to run in the house.\u00a0 See what happens.\u00a0 I think you need to go to your room.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben no sooner finished his statement, than Little Joe was running up the stairs and into his room.\u00a0 He dove onto his bed crying, saying over and over that he would never see his mother again.\u00a0 His father quickly joined him and rubbing his back said,\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s okay.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a vase.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe cried hard as he believed he had made a mistake, and his mother would not return because of it.\u00a0 His father sat next to him, unaware of why he was so hurt.\u00a0 His father did not ask.\u00a0 Finally, the little boy cried himself to sleep, and the secret he held remained unshared until twelve years later\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe finished telling of the memory, he returned to the present in his mind.\u00a0 Ben reached out and placed his hand on Joe\u2019s and said,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, what you believed wasn\u2019t stupid.\u00a0 You just did what I think we\u2019ve all done.\u00a0 We all try at times to make deals with God.\u00a0 It\u2019s just part of the way we handle our grief.\u00a0 It\u2019s how we cope with the hurt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, how do you keep going knowing any time He could do it again?\u00a0 He could just take someone from me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t live in fear Joe.\u00a0 You can\u2019t run away and hide from people, because you can\u2019t bear losing them.\u00a0 Let me ask you something.\u00a0 Would you\u2019ve not wanted to know your mother at all just so you would not have to feel losing her?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought of his brothers and felt bad for them.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m glad I got to know her, even the little bit I did.\u00a0 I\u2019d never give that up.\u00a0 I feel bad for Hoss and Adam, cause they never got to know their mothers.\u00a0 Was I luckier?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I don\u2019t think you can compare grief and pain between people.\u00a0 There\u2019s never a good time to lose your mother.\u00a0 I know all three of you\u2019ve been terribly hurt by the losses.\u00a0 You know, this time with you Joe has shown me the depths of the hurt.\u00a0 But son, you\u2019ve got to realize that there is some hurt and grief you can stop from continuing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was confused at what his father said.\u00a0 He had wanted it all to stop hurting for so long.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know how bad it hurt Rebecca\u2019s parents to lose her?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUh huh.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said quietly, as he lowered his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell son, I lost a child in that accident too, and Hoss and Adam lost a brother.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard you say over and over how you miss your mother and you miss Rebecca.\u00a0 Joe, we miss you that same way.\u00a0 The only difference is, you can help with our grief.\u00a0 Son, you know that ache you feel for them?\u00a0 I have felt it since the day I lost you; since that buckboard flipped over.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI need you Joseph.\u00a0 I\u2019ve not told you that before, but I do.\u00a0 You\u2019ve made it easier for my grief over your mother by the mere presence of you in my life.\u00a0 I\u2019m wanting to do the same in your life.\u00a0 I want Hoss and Adam to do that for you as well.\u00a0 Son, you ran from us, and you\u2019re the one who has to come back.\u00a0 You have to let us move into those places in your heart that hurt so bad.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe started to cry as his father talked.\u00a0 He felt the hurt so deeply as his father spoke.\u00a0 He could say nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you need to know you\u2019re such a vital part of my life.\u00a0 I built the Ponderosa for you and your brothers because of how much I loved you all.\u00a0 I always prayed it would be a sanctuary from the rest of the world, where we, as a family, could make something together.\u00a0 You\u2019re just as much a part of that prayer as I am or your brothers are.\u00a0 Your mother wanted you to grow up at home and even raise your own family there as well.\u00a0 She told me that she was so happy that you would have it so different than she had.\u00a0 She sacrificed right along side me to make the Ponderosa yours.\u00a0 It was almost as if she felt a great relief that you would be safe there.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I saw you in that saloon Joe, it was a nightmare.\u00a0 It was everything your mother had wanted to escape from and protect you from.\u00a0 You\u2019re right about your mother having it very hard in her life before I met her, but she rose out of it and would never want you where she had been.\u00a0 She wanted you to have everything, son.\u00a0 She had such great hopes and dreams for you.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess what I\u2019m trying to tell you is the accident and you\u2019re running away did not only affect you.\u00a0 It affected all of us and continues to.\u00a0 You said to me that you would love to talk with your mother because you knew she could help you.\u00a0 Well son, I just told you what she wanted for you.\u00a0 I cannot see how the desires she had for you would change just because you got older.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kept his head down as he listened.\u00a0 He had a question he asked through his tears,\u00a0 \u201cPa, how could you stand being in that house after Mama died?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t everything just remind you of her too much.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t you want to leave?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI learned you can\u2019t run from memories.\u00a0 They\u2019re there and will be there where ever you go.\u00a0 You tried to escape them by leaving, by drinking and by using morphine, but they came with you, didn\u2019t they?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut there are more memories there than anywhere else.\u00a0 It hurts there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes it does and will\u2026 for a while.\u00a0 But you will find son, after a while, you grow to cherish those memories, and the things that remind you of her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just don\u2019t know, Pa.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have good memories of home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa.\u00a0 Of course, lots of \u2018em.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThose are the ones you use to help with the bad ones.\u00a0 Not everything at home was bad, Joe.\u00a0 I think as you started to become so sad it became all bad in your head.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t allow yourself to think of anything else.\u00a0 You just let it stay bad.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said and felt thankful that the words were coming to him in order to help Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I\u2019m just so confused.\u00a0 I want to think about it, \u2018cause I never want to forget Rebecca.\u00a0 But then I don\u2019t want to think about it, \u2018cause it hurts so much.\u00a0 I get it all messed up in my head about what I want.\u00a0 You know what I hate so much about Mama and the memories?\u00a0 It seems the older I get, the more I lose a\u2019 them.\u00a0 Is there gonna come a day when I forget her totally?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, because that is what your family is for.\u00a0 Joe, I hope you will allow us to help with the remembering.\u00a0 I have so many great memories of your mother and all you have to do is ask, and I\u2019ll tell them to you.\u00a0 Anything you think you\u2019ve forgotten you tell me, and I\u2019ll help.\u00a0 And as you share your memories of Rebecca, we help you keep those too.\u00a0 We can help strengthen the memories and renew them when they start to fade.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I get so confused.\u00a0 It all hurts, and I think that it\u2019s gonna just be this way forever\u2026\u201d Joe began to feel as if he could tolerate no more.\u00a0 He had to break away to think and let things become more clear.\u00a0 He knew he could not handle more from his father right then.\u00a0 \u201cUh\u2026 you mind if I go for a walk for a while?\u00a0 I wanna kinda think about all of it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine son.\u201d\u00a0 Ben answered knowing the discussion was emotionally draining, and Joe needed a break.\u00a0 His son had always been one to talk a little and then go off and think it through, so Joe\u2019s request did not surprise him, but he still was not comfortable with Joe alone, so he said,\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you take Kenny along?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wiped away the tears and went to stand.\u00a0 He half smiled at his father, as he said, \u201cYou\u2019re dead set on me not being alone aren\u2019t ya, Pa?\u00a0 Okay, I\u2019ll take her with me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Joe walked out of the cabin and saw Kenny sitting down by the stream.\u00a0 \u201cHey Kenny.\u00a0 Wanna go for a walk?\u201d\u00a0 Joe offered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny was surprised Joe had asked.\u00a0 Usually he would just start walking, and either she or Joe\u2019s father would follow.\u00a0 He had allowed them to accompany him, but it had been reluctantly.\u00a0 This time Joe had asked her to join him.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, sure.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny responded, falling in next to Joe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They walked along in relative silence for a while.\u00a0 Joe was mulling over in his head his father\u2019s words.\u00a0 He allowed himself to question what it would be like to actually go home.\u00a0 The thought made him anxious, and he decided to avoid it for a while longer.\u00a0 Finally he decided to speak.\u00a0 \u201cKenny, can I ask you a kinda personal question?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, go ahead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHave you ever been in love?\u00a0 I mean really in love?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s question caught Kenny off guard.\u00a0 She had never felt love until she had met Joe and she now knew what it meant.\u00a0 \u201cUh\u2026 yeah I think so, why?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, he, the guy I loved was in love with someone else.\u00a0 He never knew how I felt.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny was finding the conversation awkward because she was speaking of Joe.\u00a0 She prayed he did not remember what Shelby revealed to him earlier.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell him?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s\u2026 uh\u2026 was kinda complicated.\u00a0 He loved the other girl very much, and he just wasn\u2019t able to love me.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny was trying to answer Joe in a nonchalant manner, but it took all her concentration to watch the words she used.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019d you get over it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh\u2026 uh well, I um\u2026 I\u2019m not really over it, and at times I have to continue to tell myself that I can not have him, and I need to accept it.\u00a0 I cry and am sad, but I know it\u2019s not meant to be.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t feel the same way about me.\u00a0 We met at the wrong time in our lives, I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think you\u2019ll ever love anyone again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI hope so.\u00a0 It sure does feel good to be in love.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to find someone just like this guy.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said and thought,\u00a0 \u201cOh, I sure hope I can find someone just like you, Joe.\u00a0 I know I won\u2019t settle \u2018til I do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou still love him, huh?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think I always will, because he really was very special.\u00a0 We had some special times together.\u00a0 Times I\u2019ll never forget.\u00a0 You know I think I found what I really wanted in a man and for that it may have all been worth it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHuh, I wonder Kenny, is it all really worth it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe asked, as they slowly walked along, neither looking at the other.\u00a0 \u201cI mean here you\u2019re lovin\u2019 some guy who you think you\u2019ll never have, and here I\u2019m lovin\u2019 someone who\u2019s gone.\u00a0 Would you do it again?\u00a0 Would you get hurt again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, in an instant.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny responded with no hesitation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust like that?\u00a0 You think it was worth it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMost definitely Joe, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know I loved Rebecca more than anyone in my whole life, and I know it hurts more than anything has ever hurt to lose her.\u00a0 It actually at times makes me hurt physically to think how much I miss her.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to lose like that again.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to be that happy and then have it just disappear.\u00a0 Kenny, my last memories with Rebecca hurt so bad, \u2018cause I don\u2019t have a finish to them.\u00a0 It\u2019s like she and me, we\u2019re together and feeling the happiest I ever felt, and then I wake up in a doctor\u2019s office, and my Pa tells me she\u2019s dead.\u00a0 I can\u2019t remember the accident, her dying, I didn\u2019t even see the funeral.\u00a0 I know what happened, \u2018cause they told me it was a buckboard accident, but I have no memory of it.\u00a0 It\u2019s all so hard to believe because of that.\u00a0 It\u2019s like she is supposed to be in my life, \u2018cause I never saw her leave\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut don\u2019t you think that could be a blessing?\u00a0 Think of your last memory with her.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t you rather have that than seeing her dead?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought of the meadow and his time with Rebecca.\u00a0 He was holding her and showing her how much he loved her.\u00a0 He wondered which was better: forever remembering making love, but knowing it ended as his last memory of her, or being able to see it all happen and see her dead, so he knew it was over?\u00a0 One memory kept him forever connected to her, the other he thought, would help him let go.\u00a0 He had no idea which was best for him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, I don\u2019t know which I would prefer.\u00a0 I guess neither.\u00a0 I want her here and for it to all start over and for me to get to marry her.\u201d\u00a0 Joe fantasized.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know, but you know you don\u2019t get to do that.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said very quietly.\u00a0 It was painful for her to hear how much Joe loved Rebecca, but she noticed he was able to talk about Rebecca more than he ever had before.\u00a0 Joe was opening up and getting better.\u00a0 Kenny found this realization to be bittersweet.\u00a0 For her to have him, he had to be lost to himself.\u00a0 For him to get better meant she would lose him.\u00a0 It did not seem quite fair to her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that I have become painfully aware of.\u00a0 My Pa asked me a question about my mother that I was wondering about Rebecca.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I asked you what I did.\u00a0 I started wonderin\u2019 if I\u2019d\u2019ve spent the time I did loving Rebecca, knowin\u2019 I\u2019d lose her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know she was incredible Kenny.\u00a0 She really was.\u00a0 She could make me laugh at just about anythin\u2019.\u00a0 She had this way of makin\u2019 things not so bad.\u00a0 And she had this thing about her that every time I looked at her, I just felt like she knew what I was thinkin\u2019.\u00a0 We would be in a room, and I would look at her, and she would look at me and it was like she knew exactly what I was gonna say or what I was gonna do.\u00a0 She would tell me later what she thought I was thinkin\u2019, and I was so amazed.\u00a0 She really knew me.\u00a0 Kenny, is that love?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like it to me, Joe.\u00a0 Would you\u2019ve given that up?\u00a0 Would you\u2019ve not known her or known love with her because of the way it turned out?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t give her up or have lived not knowing her.\u00a0 She became everything.\u00a0 It felt too good to just give it up.\u201d\u00a0 Joe continued to reminisce.\u00a0 \u201cYou know when we were together\u2026 when she was alive, it just felt so much better to be with her than apart.\u00a0 I could be really tired, or could be kinda upset about something and there she\u2019d be, and it would feel a little better.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t know if I can get that again.\u00a0 What if that was it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell if it was, would you have not wanted it?\u201d\u00a0 Kenny asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou ask tough questions.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said looking at Kenny.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think they\u2019re the same ones I ask myself.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny commented and smiled.\u00a0 \u201cSee I found out something about myself, Joe.\u00a0 I went through most of my life hearing stories of love, and eventually I believed it was all just a bunch of lies, and that all life really had to offer was a day to day existence.\u00a0 When I fell in love, I saw how much more there is to life.\u00a0 Love was actually real.\u00a0 The person I love couldn\u2019t return it, but now I feel driven on to find the one who can.\u00a0 I can\u2019t see living without it anymore.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t want to have only that small taste of love either.\u201d\u00a0 Joe commiserated.\u00a0 \u201cI guess I want more, too.\u00a0 I\u2019m just afraid I can\u2019t find it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think if you want more, then you\u2019ll find it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut then I hurt Rebecca to do it, don\u2019t I?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I think you can only hurt her if she did not want you to be happy.\u00a0 Joe, everything you have told me about her, every reaction I have seen from you about her, says she and you loved each other very much, and she wanted you happy.\u00a0 She wants you to go on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019ll think I didn\u2019t really love her if I just go on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny thought back to the times Joe had spoken of his love, and she knew Rebecca had to have known he loved her.\u00a0 She then thought of the time she had spent with Joe, and if he had been as passionate with his true love as he had been with her, she had no doubt Rebecca felt loved.\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u00a0 She knew how much you loved her, believe me.\u00a0 Women know these things, and you just radiate your love for her.\u00a0 Rebecca knew, and she knows you have to go on.\u00a0 Joe, that is also part of love; letting go.\u00a0 You have to let go when you know that it is better for the one you love to go on than to stay back with you.\u00a0 Rebecca sounds like she wanted everything good for you, and she would be hurt if you didn\u2019t go on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou really think so?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I do.\u00a0 I know I am letting go of the one I love so both he and I can be happy.\u00a0 It\u2019s not easy believe me, but it is what has to be.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHum.\u201d Was all Joe responded with, as his mind went deep into thought.\u00a0 Joe and Kenny concluded their walk together discussing little more than the things they saw along the way.\u00a0 As they walked they both thought of the ones they loved.\u00a0 Kenny began to know she was going to have to do as she had told Joe and let go.\u00a0 She prayed she could.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After the walk concluded, Kenny headed toward the cabin to think through her decision, and Joe took his customary seat outside, looking at the stream.\u00a0 His head was full of the conversations he had experienced over the time he had been at the cabin.\u00a0 Joe was feeling down, but the darkness had lifted some, and he was able to have more and more glimpses of light.\u00a0 He noticed that he saw the colors around him brighter than he had in the previous months, but there was still a sadness that kept him from a full enjoyment of the world around him.\u00a0 He felt he was getting better inside his head, but he wondered if he would ever feel as he had before the accident.\u00a0 Would he ever want to laugh?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat reflecting over the words that had passed between him and his father.\u00a0 So much had been said, and it felt as if it was overwhelming, the insights shared.\u00a0 He needed to sort them through.\u00a0 He thought of the secret memories he had told his father, and how his father had responded to his revelations.\u00a0 He realized he had been able to share with his father his deepest secrets, and he was not punished, nor was he left for them.\u00a0 He thought of how lovingly his father had listened to him and had allowed him to tell him of his anger.\u00a0 He then thought back to the state his father had found him in Sacramento, and realized his father had not punished him for that either.\u00a0 He saw that his father must truly have understood more of what had happened inside of him than Joe had ever expected him to be able to do.\u00a0 Maybe his father understood it more than he did himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While growing up, Joe and his father had endured more than their share of conflict as Joe bucked, and his father held tight on the reins.\u00a0 He noticed though, the interactions he had experienced while at the cabin were something entirely new.\u00a0 His father was treating him as a friend as much as he was a father.\u00a0 Joe felt his father\u2019s guidance during their talks, but there was something new there as well.\u00a0 His father seemed very interested in him and what he thought about.\u00a0 At that moment, Joe realized his faith in his father was being resurrected from a twelve year dormancy.\u00a0 His father had not walked away from him.\u00a0 He had not been left alone, and he began to truly believe his father would never willingly abandon him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe thought of the comparison of his own loss to that of his father\u2019s.\u00a0 When they had cried over his mother together, Joe had realized his father knew what he felt.\u00a0 He saw his father\u2019s pain and knew they had shared something together that was powerful.\u00a0 He had been unable to talk with his father of his own lost love, and he sat wondering why.\u00a0 He thought for a long while and finally decided it was because he still had difficulty seeing his father as anyone other than the man who had raised him.\u00a0 He felt awkward talking of his relationship with Rebecca, of his love of her.\u00a0 Joe was struggling with his movement into manhood, where he would allow his father to see him as more than a boy.\u00a0 He began to believe maybe this too could be something he could talk to his father about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He remembered his father comparing his own behavior to that of Rebecca\u2019s death.\u00a0 He had seen the pain in the Larson\u2019s and knew of his own.\u00a0 He had not realized until his father had said what he had, that he could have created the same hurt inside his father.\u00a0 He knew he had not willingly done that, but it troubled him that it had occurred.\u00a0 He saw how his own pain had caused him to abandon his father and his brothers.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He then thought of his brothers at home.\u00a0 Joe had not allowed himself to think of their hurt at him leaving them.\u00a0 He could tolerate them being angry, but the hurt was much harder.\u00a0 He had preferred to stay numb, and he had been unable to feel much since he had left the Ponderosa.\u00a0 As the days had passed at the cabin, and his mind and feelings reawakened, he had to fight against thinking about his brothers at home.\u00a0 He allowed himself to finally think of how much he really missed them.\u00a0 With the thoughts came the feelings, and then the tears.\u00a0 He knew how important Hoss and Adam were to him, and he began to realize that he had caused them a pain that he himself could not tolerate.\u00a0 Joe had known his brothers had been there for him throughout his life, and it was they who helped him through the death of his mother.\u00a0 He was very uncomfortable knowing he had hurt them.\u00a0 He began to want to repair the damage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s thoughts finally turned to his mother\u2019s wishes for him.\u00a0 He always had held his mother in the highest of regard and wanted to make her proud.\u00a0 His memories prior to her death were so loving and wonderful.\u00a0 He hated her death had to intrude into those memories and end them at such a young age.\u00a0 He thought of what his father had told him regarding his mother\u2019s wishes for his life.\u00a0 The more he thought over that conversation, the more he became certain he had heard his mother speak, and he had heard her guidance.\u00a0 He knew he could not ignore the message, but worried if he could carry it out.\u00a0 He said aloud, \u201cMama, if it\u2019s what you want, then you\u2019re gonna have to help me.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have to make me strong, \u2018cause I\u2019m gonna need it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He stood and walked to the cabin, waiting to feel the strength to do what he knew he had to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Supper came, and the three sat down to eat as had grown their custom.\u00a0 Each was quiet as they reviewed the discussions of the day.\u00a0 While Joe had sat thinking by the stream, Ben had sat back and kept his eye on him. Ben had to admit to himself, it was beginning to feel as if a calm was starting to come over his son.\u00a0 He noticed Joe had grown up greatly during their time together, but he felt torn, because of his concern that with maturity, Joe had lost his innocence and his natural love of life.\u00a0 The loss was most seen when he looked in Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Although Joe\u2019s eyes look much less sad there was a characteristic that was missing.\u00a0 It was the natural sparkle of life in his eyes.\u00a0 Ben wanted the sparkle to return.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny had spent the time since her talk with Joe coming to a sad realization.\u00a0 She was growing too attached and was worried she could never leave if she did not do it soon.\u00a0 She decided to share her intentions with Joe and his father, and she hoped she could say what she needed to without breaking down.\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, Joe, I have been thinking, and I realized tomorrow is Wednesday.\u00a0 The stage headed back east comes through town on Wednesdays, so I was thinking of going ahead and getting on it.\u00a0 I want to start over back home.\u00a0 To give it another try.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kenny\u2019s announcement took both Ben and Joe off guard.\u00a0 The three had not talked of the end of their time together.\u00a0 Each knew the arrangement had been temporary, but it still came as a surprise.\u00a0 \u201cWell Kenny, you are more than welcome to stay as long as you like.\u00a0 I don\u2019t see that there is any hurry on our part.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said with warmth.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh I know that Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 It\u2019s just I need to get going, so I can get my life back headed in the right direction.\u00a0 I kinda got lost there for a while in the saloon, but I think I know what I want now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe listened to Kenny and felt himself sad.\u00a0 He had grown comfortable with Kenny and knew she had helped him with his hurt.\u00a0 As he had listened to her say she was going home to get her life back together, he realized her courage.\u00a0 He wondered if her decision to be brave could help him gain more strength.\u00a0 He said to her, \u201cGeez Kenny, I\u2019ve gotten real used to having you around.\u00a0 I grew up with only brothers, and I guess I got to feel what it’s like to have a sister for awhile.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s statement made Kenny sad because she did not view him as a brother, but she had known somewhere inside that had to be her role with Joe for him.\u00a0 \u201cLike I told ya before Joe, you have helped me so much and I have been so glad to be able to help you and your Pa.\u00a0 I am eternally grateful.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAs are we Kendall.\u201d\u00a0 Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cI know I was hard on you when I found out about your connection with Shelby, but I think that you have shown us you really have a very good heart.\u00a0 I\u2019m in your debt for all of your help here.\u00a0 We can take you to the stage tomorrow if you would like.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u00a0 I\u2019d like that.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said, but found herself wanting to change the subject.\u00a0 She was feeling sad and needed to pretend a while longer that her stay was not coming to an end\u00a0 \u201cBut, hey we have this evening, and Joe, I think I\u2019m up to the challenge of playing you in checkers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said and gave her a small smile.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The evening was spent with Joe and Kenny playing checkers, and Ben reading by the fire.\u00a0 Ben periodically looked up at his son, watching his face.\u00a0 He saw the concentration on Joe\u2019s face and found himself a little more relieved, a little more encouraged.\u00a0 Joe had shown no desire to attend to the games he had played with Hoss back at the Ponderosa after the accident, but in both the checkers games Ben had played with him, and the games he watched Joe and Kenny play, showed him glimpses of the son he had previously known.\u00a0 Joe was perched on the arm of the chair, lost in his strategy, his eyes focused and absentmindedly chewing on his lower lip.\u00a0 Ben smiled and said a silent prayer that Joe\u2019s return would continue.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

**************************<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The morning unveiled itself to the cabin and the inhabitants rose to greet the day.\u00a0 Joe rose soon after Kenny and his father and the three sat enjoying a leisurely breakfast.\u00a0 Afterwards, Ben retrieved the horses and began to hitch the wagon.\u00a0 After he finished, he\u00a0 announced that the wagon was ready to go.\u00a0 It was then that Joe asked his father if he would mind if he rode the bay mare to town.\u00a0 Joe was wanting to be on a horse again and saw this as a good time to try.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s first thoughts were of fear that Joe would try to run away, but as he looked at his son, he did not see the panic that had been there previously.\u00a0 Ben agreed, but was glad the wagon was going along also in case it hurt Joe too bad to sit a horse.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After Joe saddled the bay mare, and Kenny packed up her few things, the three headed to town.\u00a0 Kenny told them there was something she had to take care of before she left on the stage, and she would need about an hour in town alone.\u00a0 Once in town, Joe and his father found themselves with time to waste as Kenny ran her errand.\u00a0 The stage depot was located diagonal to the Cock o\u2019 the Walk Saloon, and both Ben and Joe\u2019s eyes were drawn to it.\u00a0 Joe felt his heart beat faster as he then turned to see his father also looking towards the bar.\u00a0 Ben knew the moment was awkward, and as he looked back at his son he saw Joe was uncomfortable.\u00a0 He put his arm around his son\u2019s shoulder and casually said,\u00a0 \u201cHey how \u2018bout a drink or a game of cards?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes widened as he looked at his father with disbelief.\u00a0 He thought to himself,\u00a0 \u201cAfter everything that has happened, Pa is actually suggesting we go over to the saloon?\u201d\u00a0 As he stood in shock, he saw a big grin come across his father\u2019s face.\u00a0 Joe realized then that his father was kidding.\u00a0 He gave his father a smile and said,\u00a0 \u201cProbably not a good idea, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe ended up sitting in front of the depot waiting for Kenny\u2019s return.\u00a0 The stage had already arrived from San Francisco and was loaded down for the next leg of its journey east.\u00a0 Kenny returned from her errand with time to spare.\u00a0 She walked up to the two men and spoke,\u00a0 \u201cMr. Cartwright, Joe, is there somewhere we could go for just a few minutes before I need to get on that stage?\u00a0 There is something I want to give you, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both Ben and Joe were curious as to what Kenny\u2019s errand had been.\u00a0 She had been secretive about where she was going and let them know that she had not wanted company when she went.\u00a0 Ben said,\u00a0 \u201cCertainly.\u00a0 Here, there is a caf\u00e9 just up the street.\u00a0 I\u2019ll buy us all a cup of coffee and you can do whatever it is you want to do there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As the three headed down the street Kenny\u2019s heart was heavy.\u00a0 She did not want to leave them, but she hoped what she was going to give Joe would help her to feel better about what had transpired in the saloon, as well as give Joe a gift that would help him heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They entered the caf\u00e9 and sat down.\u00a0 They each ordered a cup of coffee, then Kenny took a deep breath and began,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I know you told me that I was forgiven for what I did to you here, and I did not need to make amends, but I feel I need to for myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe tried to interrupt her, but Kenny held him off,\u00a0 \u201cNo Joe, just listen.\u00a0 Shelby and me made quite a bit of money doing what we did in the saloon.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel right keeping it anymore.\u00a0 It\u2019s dirty money and was made off of using people.\u00a0 Well, I thought and thought yesterday after I made my decision to go home about what I wanted to do with the money.\u00a0 I made a decision and here.\u00a0 I want you to have this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With that Kenny handed Joe what looked like a legal document.\u00a0 He asked her,\u00a0 \u201cWhat is this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRead it, silly.\u201d\u00a0 She said with tears in her eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked down and read the document.\u00a0 His eyes too welled with tears as he read.\u00a0 He was momentarily speechless.\u00a0 After gathering himself, he said to her,\u00a0 \u201cKenny, I don\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 This is so, uh\u2026 I am just, uh\u2026 Kendall, thank you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both Kenny and Joe stood, and he hugged her tight.\u00a0 Ben watched the two embrace, but he had no idea what the paper Kenny had given Joe contained.\u00a0 He looked down on the table and read the document.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

TO THE SACRAMENTO HOME FOR ORPHANS<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

A SUM OF $15,000 GIVEN IN LOVING MEMORY OF <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

REBECCA LARSON<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

MAY IT PROTECT THE INNOCENTS<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

AND HELP SHOW THEM LOVE<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Ben also found his eyes filling with tears.\u00a0 This had been a remarkable gesture.\u00a0 He was so touched by the woman\u2019s kindness.\u00a0 This would allow Rebecca\u2019s memory to go on.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe and Kenny ended their hug and both wiped their eyes.\u00a0 Joe looked again at the document he had been given and thought,\u00a0 \u201cBec, you\u2019d really like this.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad your name is gonna be somewhere that can help people.\u00a0 It will sure help a lot a kids, and maybe they\u2019ll go on rememberin\u2019 you too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben, Kenny and Joe walked quietly to the depot.\u00a0 Once there, it was obvious the driver was loading the stage and was getting the passengers ready to depart.\u00a0 Kenny stopped and turned towards Joe and his father.\u00a0 \u201cWell this is it.\u00a0 I am going to be back in Ohio in a couple of weeks.\u00a0 I again want to tell you Joe, I am so glad I met you.\u00a0 And Mr. Cartwright, I want to thank you for your willingness to not press charges against me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stepped forward and gave Kenny a hug.\u00a0 \u201cMiss Mac Masters, it is I who thank you.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what we would have done if you had not followed us out of town to the cabin.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad I did.\u201d\u00a0 Kenny said as her eyes then moved to Joe.\u00a0 Joe and Kenny stood looking at each other a moment with neither speaking.\u00a0 Kenny thought to herself,\u00a0 \u201cOh how do I do this?\u201d\u00a0 She said,\u00a0 \u201cCome here.\u201d\u00a0 as she stretched out her arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stepped forward and the two again embraced.\u00a0 Kenny closed her eyes to firmly implant the feeling of him in her mind.\u00a0 She felt his arms around her and breathed deeply to take in his smell.\u00a0 She never wanted the embrace to end, but it did and Joe pulled away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had tears running down his cheek as he pulled away.\u00a0 He said quietly,\u00a0 \u201cThank you Kenny, for everything.\u00a0 If there is ever anything you need please write and let me know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With those words Kenny realized she would have no way of contacting Joe again.\u00a0 She had known he had resisted returning to his home, and she worried she would never know where he was or how it all turned out for him.\u00a0 \u201cBut Joe, how can I reach you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cKenny, you can reach me the same place you reached my Pa when you told him I was here.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get it if you send it there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben heard what Joe had said, but was unsure what he had meant by it.\u00a0 He decided to wait to ask his son later.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe helped Kenny aboard the stage and gave her bag to the driver.\u00a0 He stood looking at her and waved as the stage started to pull away.\u00a0 He watched it move down the street and around the corner.\u00a0 He remained fixed for a moment as he knew what it was he had to say to his father.\u00a0 He had watched Kenny go towards her new life, and he knew he had to return to his.\u00a0 Sacramento was over. It was time to go home.\u00a0 He turned to his father and looked him in the eye.\u00a0 He said in a voice much more confident than he felt,\u00a0 \u201cPa, I\u2019m ready.\u00a0 It\u2019s time to go home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben heard his child\u2019s words, and his heart soared.\u00a0 Joe had said it.\u00a0 He wanted to go home.\u00a0 Ben grabbed Joe and pulled him close.\u00a0 \u201cOh son, I can\u2019t tell you how happy that makes me.\u00a0 We can leave whenever you say.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe moved back from his father\u2019s hug he saw his father was crying.\u00a0 \u201cWell Pa, now\u2019s just as good a time as any I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben was so elated at what he heard.\u00a0 He smiled big at his son and held on tight to him.\u00a0 \u201cI think we need to wire Adam and Hoss, go back to the cabin and pack up, and then head home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure Pa.\u00a0 Let\u2019s do it.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said trying to smile.\u00a0 He hoped he could be as brave as he needed to be.\u00a0 He felt his father\u2019s hold on him and it was comforting.\u00a0 He would draw strength from his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The wire arrived in Virginia City in the late afternoon.\u00a0 A hand from the Ponderosa was there to pick up the mail and grabbed the telegraph as well.\u00a0 It went in with rest of the mail and was brought back with the hand upon his return.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss trotted into the yard of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Both pulled up their horses and could not believe the sight before them.\u00a0 There stood Cochise quietly grazing on Hop Sing\u2019s herb garden.\u00a0 The brothers looked at each other, and then back at the paint.\u00a0 Cochise had come home all by herself.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss used soft tones as they spoke to each other, so as to not spook the head strong animal.\u00a0 Hoss finally walked over and opened the barn door.\u00a0 Cochise immediately headed inside and stopped in her stall.\u00a0 She was jumpy and moved nervously in her stall, but she was home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After tending to all of the horses, Adam and Hoss retired inside the big house.\u00a0 Neither could believe the pony had come home after all of the chasing they had done.\u00a0 Upon entering the house they were immediately greeted by Hop Sing.\u00a0 He was going on and on in Cantonese, all the while holding a paper in his hand.\u00a0 Adam took the paper and saw it was a telegram.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

ADAM(stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

LEAVING SACRAMENTO (stop)\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

ARRIVE RANCH IN THREE\/FOUR DAYS (stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

PA (stop)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam read the short note and breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 He handed it to Hoss who let out a whoop.\u00a0 The family was being restored and both men said a prayer of thanks.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was Hoss who then said, \u201cYou know Adam.\u00a0 That is the strangest thing, Cochise comin\u2019 home like that.\u00a0 But I ain\u2019t gonna complain, cause she gave us fits runnin\u2019 after her.\u00a0 I noticed she\u2019s all a mess.\u00a0 She\u2019s missin\u2019 a couple a shoes and looks all shaggy and mussed.\u00a0 She needs her mane and tail pulled, so she looks right sharp.\u00a0 Think I\u2019ll get that little pony already for Joe to come back.\u00a0 What ya think?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, Joe\u2019ll love it.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said, patting his younger, yet bigger brother on the shoulder.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe rode back to the cabin, packed their possessions and headed east, towards the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Ben made a deliberate choice to make the ride back to the Ponderosa slow so that he and Joe could continue to talk.\u00a0 He knew Joe was nervous, and he wanted to do what he could to talk Joe through his fears.\u00a0 He also knew that, although Joe\u2019s leg was much stronger, it still was injured and sitting a horse could be uncomfortable for his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As they rode, Joe\u2019s mind reviewed the conversations of the past few weeks once more.\u00a0 He ran them over and over and drew greater insights with each review.\u00a0 He occasionally would look at his father when his father was not looking at him, and would wonder how much more there was to share between them in the future.\u00a0 He realized he was learning who his father was as a man.\u00a0 He knew he loved his father, and saw that he also liked the man.\u00a0 Joe was amazed the change that had happened between himself and his father.\u00a0 Although he tended to view it as his father who had changed towards him, eventually Joe would eventually realize he had changed as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The two men camped out at night and would sit talking about their home, their family and their lives.\u00a0 Joe would become nervous before they talked, but found himself relaxing and enjoying his father\u2019s presence.\u00a0 The night would creep upon the two, and they would settle in to sleep.\u00a0 Both would sleep in a makeshift bed from their overturned saddles and try to make themselves as comfortable as possible.\u00a0 Ben slept next to Joe as he had done so often the past weeks, but he noticed Joe slept without the nightmares intruding.\u00a0 He saw this as a blessing for his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was the third morning on the trail, and Joe was returning from a watering hole they had found the previous night.\u00a0 He had his shirt thrown over his shoulder, and his hair was dripping wet.\u00a0 He shook his head violently to remove the excess water.\u00a0 Ben sat watching his son and smiled.\u00a0 He thought of how many times before on the trail he had seen Joe perform this maneuver after wetting his head.\u00a0 He noticed when Joe stopped his natural method of drying his hair, how long his son\u2019s hair had become.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When Ben had first arrived in Sacramento he had been struck with Joe\u2019s appearance, but over the weeks, he had almost grown accustomed to Joe\u2019s long hair.\u00a0 Not that he would tell his son of his acceptance.\u00a0 He knew that to have Joe show up at home the way he currently looked would not be the best for Joe.\u00a0 His son needed to rejoin his old life and return to his former self.\u00a0 He needed to become Joseph Cartwright once again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was sitting running his hands through his hair putting it back in place when Ben decided to broach the topic.\u00a0 \u201cSon, we hit Placerville early today, and I want you to get a haircut there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at his father and said,\u00a0 \u201cAwe Pa, I kinda like it like this.\u00a0 You sure I just can\u2019t keep it this way?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, how many times do I have to tell you?\u00a0 No son of mine is going to run the streets of Virginia City looking like a\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRiverboat gambler.\u201d\u00a0 Joe interrupted and smiled.\u00a0 He knew that phrase would have a different meaning between him and his father from then on.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I was just kinda hopin\u2019 you wouldn\u2019t notice, or you\u2019d forget or somethin\u2019.\u00a0 I\u2019ve gotten kinda used to it like this.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell you may have, but I haven\u2019t, and it would shock Hoss and Adam to no end.\u00a0 They\u2019d probably think I brought home the wrong person.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With the mention of Hoss and Adam, Joe became nervous.\u00a0 He had been wanting to ask his father a question, but was concerned about the response he would get.\u00a0 He decided to just blurt it out.\u00a0 \u201cPa, what are you gonna tell them about me, and what happened and all?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben had been thinking over this as well.\u00a0 He knew his youngest would have great difficulty facing his brothers, and he wanted to make it easier for him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat would you want me to tell them?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I know you have to tell them stuff, and they will ask questions and all, but I uh\u2026 I just don\u2019t know if I uh\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stepped in to help,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, I don\u2019t have to tell them anything.\u00a0 You forget I\u2019m the father.\u00a0 Tell you what.\u00a0 I think what needs to happen is that you tell them what you\u2019re comfortable with.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say nothing other than that we were delayed because of your leg injury, and also that you needed some time before you came home to deal with your grief.\u00a0 How\u2019s that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father with sheer amazement. \u00a0He started to tear up as he asked, \u201cPa, you\u2019d do that for me?\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t tell them about the rest?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes son, I would.\u00a0 Contrary to what you think, I have lots of secrets about each of you boys, and I have no need to share them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u00a0 You\u2019d not tell them even if they asked?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes son, that\u2019s what I mean.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, and hugged his father tight.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, you\u2019re gonna be okay, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s all gonna be okay.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam love you so much, and they just want you home.\u00a0 That\u2019ll make them okay with everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, what I did\u2026 I don\u2019t want them to know.\u00a0 I hate it that you know, Pa.\u00a0 It really bothers me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben broke from their embrace and held his son by the shoulders.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s head was down, and Ben saw the shame on his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, look at me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe lifted his head, and Ben saw he was crying.\u00a0 He wanted to comfort his child.\u00a0 \u201cSon, it\u2019s over.\u00a0 It\u2019s all over, and you\u2019re with me, and you\u2019re coming home, and that\u2019s all that matters now.\u00a0 I understand what you did, Joseph.\u00a0 I\u2019m very sorry you went through what you did.\u00a0 I just ask you to make me a promise right here.\u00a0 Joe, promise me you\u2019ll try to talk to me in the future.\u00a0 I know you\u2019ll have difficulty, and I know we\u2019ll go through a lot more together, but promise me you\u2019ll try.\u00a0 Promise me you\u2019ll not just give up on me before you try.\u00a0 Can you do that son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah Pa, I\u2019ll try.\u00a0 And I promise you something else, Pa.\u00a0 I promise that I\u2019ll try and be better as a son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh Joe, no, no, you\u2019re just the way I want you as my son.\u00a0 You do that part just right.\u00a0 I think I need you to be just the way you are, Joseph.\u00a0 Any other way and I would feel as if something was missing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe said through his tears,\u00a0 \u201cI love you, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben grabbed him close and said,\u00a0 \u201cOh Joseph, I have never doubted that one minute.\u00a0 I am truly very blessed with your love, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe arrived in Placerville, and at the same time Joe was visiting the local barber, Hoss was struggling to groom Cochise.\u00a0 The horse had again tasted the wild and was reluctant to submit to being reshod and groomed.\u00a0 Her master knew of the discomfort and was cringing as the barber cut off the hair that had grown to rest on his shoulders.\u00a0 As the barber worked, Ben saw his son return in appearance.\u00a0 Joe lost several years as the hair was trimmed, and his face shown through.\u00a0 Ben paid extra for Joe to have a close shave, and when the barber finished he saw his youngest son standing before him, looking younger than his given age.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMuch better.\u201d\u00a0 Ben commented as the two left the barber.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe ran his hands through his shorn hair and sighed.\u00a0 He replaced his hat and said,\u00a0 \u201cWell my hat fits better I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben chuckled and slapped his son on the back.\u00a0 He was anxious to get back in the saddle.\u00a0 They would have one more night on the trail and then would hit Ponderosa land early the next day.\u00a0 Joe would then be home, and the nightmare would be closer to being over.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

As the two made camp that evening, Joe was very quiet, but his mind ran through many thoughts and he felt heavy with emotion.\u00a0 Ben noticed Joe had moved from a more light temperament to very pensive with every step the horses took towards the Ponderosa after leaving Placerville.\u00a0 Ben finally asked, \u201cWhat is it, son?\u00a0 What has got you troubled?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI uh, I\u2019ve been thinking about Rebecca s\u2019all.\u00a0 She\u2019s on my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wanna talk about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe hesitated.\u00a0 He asked himself,\u00a0 \u201cWhat is there really to say?\u201d\u00a0 He looked at his father and said,\u00a0 \u201cPa, you know I really loved her?\u00a0 I think of her, and I just remember so much.\u00a0 I remember she and me in town and at the house.\u00a0 You know I even miss her folks.\u00a0 They were so good to me.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t like what I said to them when they came to the ranch.\u00a0 Rebecca would have gotten all over me about that.\u00a0 She always told me I said stuff before I thought about it.\u00a0 I was mean to them, and they\u2019re her folks.\u00a0 I wish I hadn\u2019t said what I did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, they understood.\u00a0 They really did.\u00a0 They knew how bad you were hurting and how much you loved Rebecca.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa, I have to make it right with them.\u00a0 I know Rebecca would be standin\u2019 there with her hands on her hips sayin\u2019 somethin\u2019 like, Joe you did it again.\u00a0 You just went talkin\u2019 and not thinkin\u2019 and you need to say you\u2019re sorry.\u00a0 You know she did that a couple times in school?\u00a0 I hated it cause she was right, and I ended up havin\u2019 to say I was sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRebecca was wonderful.\u00a0 You were so right in choosing her.\u00a0 She loved you very much you know.\u00a0 And boy did she know you well.\u00a0 I talked with her the night of your engagement party, and she really knew and loved you, Joe.\u00a0 You were blessed with knowing true love.\u00a0 I just wanted it to turn out right for you son.\u00a0 I wanted it for both of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know that, Pa.\u00a0 You were so great to me during that time.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said, but then he grew more quiet.\u00a0 He had thought of something as he had ridden and decided to ask his father.\u00a0 \u201cUh Pa, would you have a problem with me going to see the Larson\u2019s by myself before I go home.\u00a0 I feel I need to do it before I go home, but I gotta do it by myself, Pa.\u00a0 I gotta talk to them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben thought of Joe\u2019s request.\u00a0 It would require him to trust his youngest to be alone and ride into Virginia City.\u00a0 He felt he had to trust his child and said,\u00a0 \u201cSure Joe.\u00a0 We\u2019ll split off at the crossing, and you go to town, and I\u2019ll go on to the ranch.\u00a0 But you sure you want to do this by yourself?\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I promise you, I\u2019ll be home as soon as I see the Larson\u2019s and I uh\u2026 I talk to uh\u2026 I see Rebecca a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben felt so sad for his child and knew it was a pain Joe had to come to grips with himself.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019ll be fine, Joe, but I want you to know holding off your brothers and Hop Sing is going to be difficult.\u00a0 They may want to ride on in to town and get you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe forced a smile, and Ben began to worry once more.\u00a0 Joe had come so far and now he seemed to be regressing again.\u00a0 Ben wondered if he had been too hasty in listening to his son and in bringing him home too quickly.\u00a0 He prayed the talks and love that had passed between the two would sustain his child.<\/p>\n

Joe remained relatively quiet through the evening.\u00a0 Night fell and Joe turned in early.\u00a0 He slept quietly for hours, and then, the nightmare came.<\/p>\n

Joe was in the middle of Virginia City, standing in the Town Square.\u00a0 It looked like a courtroom, set up with a judge\u2019s bench in front of him.\u00a0 As he looked around, there were seats filled with his family\u2019s friends from town.\u00a0 He saw the jury escorted into the jury box and noticed he knew them.\u00a0 It consisted of Maggie and John Larson and his own brothers Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 He looked towards them and tried to catch their eye and smile at them.\u00a0 They had a serious look on their faces and looked towards the Judge\u2019s bench.\u00a0 As he moved his gaze towards the bench, he saw the judge.\u00a0 It was Shelby Butler.\u00a0 He took his seat in front of Joe and glared at him.\u00a0 Joe looked to his left and saw it was his father defending him.\u00a0 He felt relieved.\u00a0 He looked over to where the Territory\u2019s representative should be, and again there stood Shelby.\u00a0 Shelby was the prosecuting attorney and the judge.\u00a0 Joe felt afraid and turned to his father.\u00a0 His father took him by the arm and reassured him.\u00a0 He felt the fear leave.\u00a0 Then he heard,\u00a0 \u201cThe Territory of Nevada calls the defendant, Joseph Cartwright.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe took the witness stand and placed his hand upon the Bible.\u00a0 He swore to tell the truth and then the questioning began.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Uh, Little Joe, is it true you are really not a Cartwright?\u201d\u00a0 the prosecutor asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo I\u2019m a Cartwright.\u201d\u00a0 Joe responded.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut not really are you, Joe?\u00a0 You\u2019re not like them.\u00a0 You\u2019re not really made up of the same things.\u00a0 You\u2019re weak, aren\u2019t you?\u00a0 You\u2019re a murderer\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m not!\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to defend himself.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, but Joe you are.\u00a0 See, these people know you\u2019re a drunk.\u00a0 They know you have to rely on medicines.\u00a0 They know you\u2019re a murderer.\u00a0 They will testify to this.\u00a0 Look at you Joe, you have her blood on you.\u00a0 Look!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe looked down and saw his shirt was crimson.\u00a0 He was confused as to how the blood got on his shirt.\u00a0 He looked at the jury box.\u00a0 Maggie Larson stood and pointed at him.\u00a0 \u201cYou killed her!\u00a0 Everyone, he killed her, and then he ran away!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Shelby returned to testify against Joe once more.\u00a0 \u201cHe has brought shame on his family.\u00a0 He is a drunkard.\u00a0 He is a waste of life.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his brothers, relieved they were on the jury.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam were talking between themselves and they finally turned and looked at him.\u00a0 Joe called out,\u00a0 \u201cHoss, Adam, I wanna come home.\u00a0 I wanna be with you again.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoss stood and said,\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not my brother.\u00a0 You make us all ashamed, Joe.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you home.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe recoiled from the revelation, but Adam then stood,\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you should have listened to me, but you didn\u2019t, and now look what you\u2019ve done.\u00a0 Look what you\u2019ve done!\u00a0 You\u2019ve ruined our name.\u00a0 You killed your girl and these people know it!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The crowd cheered as they heard the accusation.\u00a0 Joe began to scan the audience looking for anyone sympathetic to his case.\u00a0 There was no one.\u00a0 He looked to his attorney; his father.\u00a0 He yelled,\u00a0 \u201cNo, Pa! Tell them!\u00a0 You said it was okay!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben looked at his son and shook his head no.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cLook Joe.\u00a0 I never saw the blood before.\u00a0 I never would have helped you if I had seen the blood.\u00a0 You are not my son!<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNO PA!\u00a0 NO!\u201d\u00a0 YOU CAN\u201dT LEAVE ME, PA!\u00a0 DON\u2019T BELIEVE IT!\u00a0 PAPA! DON\u2019T LEAVE ME!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe heard the Judge pronouncing him guilty and felt the rough hands of the deputies taking him away\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u00a0 NO!\u201d\u00a0 Joe screamed as his father tried to wake him.\u00a0 Joe was thrashing about, and it was very difficult to bring him back from the dream.\u00a0 Ben wrestled with him until he heard Joe\u2019s groggy voice say,\u00a0 \u201cPapa, don\u2019t believe them,\u201d\u00a0as he simultaneously opened his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re okay, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a bad dream.\u201d\u00a0 Ben comforted as he gathered his son into his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh? Uh, oh geez!\u00a0 Uh, yeah.\u00a0 I uh, geez!\u201d\u00a0 Joe said disoriented.<\/p>\n

Ben could tell Joe was having a hard time shaking off the dream.\u00a0 He held tight to his father and his breathing remained rapid.\u00a0 \u201cIt was just a dream, Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019m here, son.\u00a0 You need to just wake up and look at me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe listened to his father and made himself focus on the man who had helped him through so many hurts and fears.\u00a0 \u201cOh Pa, that was a bad one,\u00a0real bad.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want that one again!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWanna talk about it?\u201d\u00a0 Ben offered, hoping Joe would be open.\u00a0 Joe looked at him and thought about it.\u00a0 He decided to risk it.\u00a0 He told his father the dream.\u00a0 Ben realized how scared Joe was as the contents of the dream was revealed, and Joe began to shake.\u00a0 Ben listened quietly and then said, \u201cSon, you\u2019re doubting our love.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe simply looked at his father and could not stop the shaking.\u00a0 He wanted to believe his father, but he was so very afraid.\u00a0 The \u2018what ifs\u2019 played heavy on his mind.\u00a0 Joe said nothing after he recounted his dream.\u00a0 Ben held him and talked to him, trying to calm his fears.\u00a0 Joe feared the day he would have to see his love\u2019s parents and then see his brothers.\u00a0 He was not sure he could do it, and his dream scared him.\u00a0 He looked at his father and saw his strength.\u00a0 It made him calm.\u00a0 He started to say over and over to himself,\u00a0 \u201cIt was a dream.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s here.\u00a0 He\u2019s here. Pa\u2019s gonna be here, and I\u2019ll be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Eventually father and son fell asleep.\u00a0 Ben woke to a sharp pain in his back, although it was still dark out.\u00a0 He shifted and realized he was holding fast to his son, and Joe was holding on to him.\u00a0 He thought of what had lead them to that scene and remembered the nightmare Joe had shared.\u00a0 The nightmare scared Ben more than he would let Joe know, or did it scare him for the same reasons it had scared Joseph.\u00a0 It scared Ben because he worried about Joe going off to see the Larson\u2019s by himself.\u00a0 He truly believed Joe was not strong enough to do it alone and worried about the repercussions of his agreement to let Joe go.\u00a0 He wondered if he should change his mind and tell Joe he would accompany him to the Larson\u2019s.\u00a0 He then looked at Joe\u2019s sleeping face, and saw a young man who he knew in so many ways, and in other ways he had much to learn.<\/p>\n

The dream his son had experienced told Ben that Joe needed his father\u2019s faith and trust.\u00a0 Ben had to let that be the most important factor in his decision, although he was very wary of letting his son leave his presence.\u00a0 He sat praying for his son and his decision as the sun rose and Joe eventually woke.<\/p>\n

******<\/p>\n

The men hit Ponderosa land early and neither spoke much.\u00a0 Joe focused on keeping the nightmare out of his head and Ben focused on trying not to blurt out to Joe that he would go with him to town.\u00a0 They hit the crossing and pulled up their horses.\u00a0 Joe momentarily thought of asking his father to go with him, but did not want to disappoint him by seeming to be weak.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 \u201cWell Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019ll cut off here and meet you at home.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see the Larson\u2019s and then spend some time at the cemetery.\u00a0 I\u2019ll not be long.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben wanted to say,\u00a0 \u201cJoseph I am going with you and I\u2019ll have no discussion about it,\u201d\u00a0 but he said,\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019ll be fine, son.\u00a0 Just come home as soon as you can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI will, Pa.\u00a0 Bye.\u201d\u00a0 And with that, Joe kicked the bay mare hard and was off in a gallop.<\/p>\n

Ben sat on Buck watching Joe ride away.\u00a0 He prayed this would not be his final memory of his son.\u00a0 Ben said quietly to his son\u2019s fleeting figure, \u201cSon, I love you.\u00a0 Come home to us, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

****<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss were in the barn stacking hay.\u00a0 They had wanted to stay near the ranch house because Joe and their father were due back anytime, and they wanted to be present when they rode up.\u00a0 They heard the approach of a horse and ran out into the yard.\u00a0 There was their father, but Joe was not with him. Both men quickly approached their father and talked over each other as they asked about Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben responded to their questions,\u00a0 “Calm down.\u00a0 Calm down.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s coming.\u00a0 He went to town for a little while to see the Larsons, and go to the cemetery, and then he\u2019ll be here.”<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019s face looked devastated,\u00a0 “Pa, you mean he\u2019d go there before comin\u2019 home to us?”<\/p>\n

“Oh son, it\u2019s not like that.\u00a0 It\u2019s something he had to do so he could come home to us.”\u00a0 Ben tried to comfort his middle child.<\/p>\n

He prayed what he said was indeed the case.\u00a0 Ben put his arms around his boys so grateful to see them.\u00a0 He thought back to Joe\u2019s revelations of the hurt and pain that had occurred in their lives, and he knew he would be doing a lot of talking with all of his boys to make sure their hurts were cared for.\u00a0 “Come on let\u2019s get in the house.\u00a0 I\u2019ve missed this place.”<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss exchanged looks with each other.\u00a0 Adam had noticed his father looked exhausted.\u00a0 Both men wondered what had happened while Ben had been gone.\u00a0 They walked with their father into the house and were greeted by Hop Sing.\u00a0 The cook\u2019s face went from a broad smile to a scowl in a matter of seconds, as Joe did not appear before him.\u00a0 “Where Little Joe?\u00a0 You not bring home?”<\/p>\n

“No, no Hop Sing he\u2019s on his way.\u00a0 He had to take care of something first.” Ben answered.<\/p>\n

“You no should come back without Joe.\u00a0 You bring him home.”\u00a0 Hop Sing barked back.<\/p>\n

“Everyone calm down!”\u00a0 Ben said a little too forceful.\u00a0 Their concern was making him more nervous.\u00a0 He told himself he had to reassure them that Joe would return shortly.\u00a0 He hoped they could not read his thoughts.\u00a0 “Joe has had a lot of grieving to do, and he wanted to go and see Rebecca\u2019s folks. He\u2019s just fine and will be here soon.”<\/p>\n

“Uh Pa, is he really okay?”\u00a0 Adam asked seeing his father\u2019s face showing some concern.<\/p>\n

“Let\u2019s sit down and talk.”\u00a0 Ben said, motioning his boys to the sitting area.<\/p>\n

Hoss, Adam and even Hop Sing moved over and sat, waiting to hear how Joe was doing.\u00a0 Ben cleared his throat and began,\u00a0 “You all saw how Joe was when he left here.\u00a0 Well he\u2019s much better now.\u00a0 That\u2019s the important thing.\u00a0 He ran away because he felt he could not handle his hurt, and he tried to make a life in Sacramento.\u00a0 He re-injured his leg and ended up unable to travel for a while.\u00a0 He also was very afraid to come home because of his memories of Rebecca.\u00a0 When I found him he was very, uh, very upset still about Rebecca, and I had to wait until he was ready to come back home.”<\/p>\n

Hoss started firing questions,\u00a0 “But Pa, what was he doing there?\u00a0 How did he hurt himself again?\u00a0 Is his leg okay?”<\/p>\n

“Hoss, Joe\u2019s leg is much better, and I think it will be fine.”\u00a0 Ben tried to tell his son what he wanted to know without telling him what Joe did not want known.\u00a0 He was finding it difficult.<\/p>\n

Adam watched his father and could tell he was holding back.\u00a0 “Pa, what are you not telling us?”<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart skipped.\u00a0 He was not doing a good job of explaining.\u00a0 “Listen boys, Joe doesn\u2019t need you asking a lot of questions.\u00a0 He\u2019s still skittish and really needs to know how much we all love him.\u00a0 He has had a very tough time handling all of this, and he is hurting.\u00a0 He needs us to be supportive and understanding.\u00a0 I\u2019m asking you to not question him, just accept him back and love him.\u00a0 That will help him the most.”<\/p>\n

Both Hoss and Adam looked at their father a moment and realized no more would be coming regarding what had happened to Joe while he was gone from them. Adam thought he knew what his father was doing and accepted it.\u00a0 He knew his father had done similar things to protect him before.\u00a0 His father had kept some things from Hoss and Joe regarding some of his own experiences and began to realize this was what he was doing about Joe\u2019s time in Sacramento.\u00a0 He would respect his little brother\u2019s privacy.<\/p>\n

“Well boys, Joe will be home soon so lets get some work done before that so we can spend the rest of the time with him.”\u00a0 Ben encouraged.\u00a0 He knew he would need to keep himself busy in order to calm his own anxiety.<\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

Joe rode into Virginia City and up to the house he had visited so many times before.\u00a0 He dismounted and stood looking at the front porch unable to move forward.\u00a0 For a moment he flashed to sitting on the porch talking to Rebecca. It made him sad, so he pushed the memory away.\u00a0 He held on to the hitching post as the front door opened.\u00a0 It was Rebecca\u2019s mother.<\/p>\n

“Joe?\u00a0 Little Joe?\u00a0 Is that really you?”\u00a0 Maggie Larson called out and ran towards him.\u00a0 She grabbed hold of him and hugged him tight.\u00a0 “I heard a horse approach and looked out.\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe it\u2019s you!\u00a0 We were so worried.”<\/p>\n

Joe was shocked by Mrs. Larson\u2019s greeting.\u00a0 It was not his nightmare at all. He had been standing stiff as Mrs. Larson hugged him, but started to let himself relax.\u00a0 Mrs. Larson continued,\u00a0 “Come on in here.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got some coffee and I just wanna talk to you for a while.\u00a0 John\u2019s home as well.\u00a0 He\u2019s just gonna be thrilled to see you.”<\/p>\n

Joe allowed Mrs. Larson to escort him into the house.\u00a0 He removed his hat as he crossed the threshold and entered the familiar parlor.\u00a0 He looked around and felt his heart ache.\u00a0 Rebecca was everywhere in that room.\u00a0 He wanted to cry, but held back the tears.\u00a0 Mrs. Larson motioned for him to sit and he did. Mr. Larson entered the room and seeing Joe standing before him smiled big and gave him a hug.\u00a0 “Son, it\u2019s so good to see you!\u00a0 I\u2019m so glad you came to see us.\u00a0 Where have you been?”<\/p>\n

“Uh, I just had to get away for awhile.”\u00a0 Joe said feeling awkward.<\/p>\n

“We\u2019re very happy you\u2019re back, Joe.\u00a0 We were all so worried.”\u00a0 Maggie stated as she poured coffee for everyone.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m sorry I upset everyone.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that it was really hard to, uh stay and, uh think about, her.\u00a0 I really miss her.”\u00a0 Joe said and was unable to hold back the tears.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Larson moved over next to him on the couch and hugged him.\u00a0 “Oh honey, I know.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 I think of her every day.\u00a0 I know how bad it hurts.”<\/p>\n

Mr. Larson sat looking on as the tears formed in his eyes as well.\u00a0 He knew of the pain and had found himself crying off and on every day since he had lost his daughter.\u00a0 He looked at the young man who had loved his Rebecca and knew his daughter had been truly happy before her death.\u00a0 He was thankful she had known love.<\/p>\n

Joe and Mrs. Larson sat crying together.\u00a0 She gave him the comfort only a mother can give and Joe was free to let go and weep.\u00a0 Finally Joe pulled back, closed his eyes and pulled himself together.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 “Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Larson, that day you came to the ranch.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry I said what I did to you. I know it wasn\u2019t right.”<\/p>\n

“Oh son, you haven\u2019t worried about that have you?”\u00a0 John asked.\u00a0 “We understood and didn\u2019t blame you at all.\u00a0 We if anyone know how you felt.”<\/p>\n

“Well it wasn\u2019t right what I said and I am sorry.\u00a0 Bec would\u2019ve\u2026”\u00a0 Joe stopped unsure if he should talk about her.<\/p>\n

“What Joe?\u00a0 Bec would\u2019ve what?”\u00a0 Maggie encouraged.<\/p>\n

“Uh, well she would\u2019ve been mad at me for that.”<\/p>\n

Maggie smiled as she thought of her daughter reprimanding Joe.\u00a0 They had been so good together.\u00a0 “Well I happen to know Rebecca would have understood.\u00a0 She loved you so much, Joe.\u00a0 Oh, by the way, there is something here I\u2019ve been wanting to give you.\u00a0 Let me go get it.”<\/p>\n

As Maggie went to retrieve the gift, Joe looked at Mr. Larson and spoke,\u00a0 “Mr. Larson I want you to know I\u2019ll take good care of Marc Antony for Rebecca.\u00a0 I know she loved that horse and I didn\u2019t mean to tell you to shoot him.”<\/p>\n

“Well you just take good care of him, and Rebecca will be very happy.\u00a0 You know, the night you proposed and gave that horse to her?\u00a0 After you two came back from the dance and you left, she spent half the night in the barn talking to that horse.\u00a0 I had to threaten her with not being allowed to ride him if she didn\u2019t get in the house.”<\/p>\n

Joe smiled at what he had heard.\u00a0 He was so happy that she had liked the horse and enjoyed hearing about what she had done after he had left that night.\u00a0 “I uh really liked givin\u2019 him to her.”<\/p>\n

Before Mr. Larson could respond, Maggie reentered the room.\u00a0 She walked over and sat next to Joe once more.\u00a0 Maggie said with tears,\u00a0 “Joe, she would want you to have this.” She handed him a small book with a lock on it.\u00a0 Joe looked at it knowing instantly what it was.\u00a0 It was Rebecca\u2019s diary.<\/p>\n

“You want me to have this?”\u00a0 Joe was shocked.<\/p>\n

“Yes, I do and I know she would want that.\u00a0 After all, my guess is it is all about you anyway.”<\/p>\n

“I, I don\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 Are you sure you don\u2019t want it?”<\/p>\n

“No Joe.\u00a0 The things written in there belong to the one she loved.\u00a0 It\u2019s yours.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll take really good care of it.”\u00a0 Joe said holding it close and feeling the tears again.<\/p>\n

“I know you will.\u00a0 You took such good care of her.\u00a0 You were perfect for her and I\u2019m very sorry I don\u2019t get to have you as a son.\u00a0 Joe, I\u2019d like for you to come see us every once in a while.\u00a0 I love to talk about Rebecca, and I\u2019d like to be able to do that with you sometimes.”<\/p>\n

Joe realized it felt good to be there with Rebecca\u2019s parents.\u00a0 It hurt, but then again he could talk about her and hear about her life.\u00a0 He knew he needed to spend time with them to help himself heal.\u00a0 “I think I\u2019d like that too.”<\/p>\n

Joe stayed and talked a while longer, but found himself anxious to look through the diary.\u00a0 He eventually said his good byes and headed out of town towards the cemetery.<\/p>\n

As he rode he opened the diary and saw Rebecca\u2019s handwriting.\u00a0 Her writing was delicate and he ran his finger over it wanting to feel her words.\u00a0 The inside of the front cover had her name written in cursive.\u00a0 He saw as he looked through the diary the handwriting changed from that of a child\u2019s to a more mature script.\u00a0 He smiled.\u00a0 He turned to a random page and read.\u00a0 From the date of the entry Rebecca would have been sixteen.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

He has no idea I even exist as anything other than his friend.\u00a0 What do I have to do?\u00a0 I tried to tell him how I felt but all he wanted to do was talk to Richard about Sarah.\u00a0 Boy sometimes I have no idea why I love him so much.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe smiled as he read because he could hear her speak to him.\u00a0 He continued to flip through the book finding entries that caught his eye.\u00a0 His eyes landed on a very early entry from a young Rebecca.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary, <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Today we played pirates.\u00a0 At first they weren\u2019t gonna let me play cause I\u2019m a girl, but I shoved David down real hard and told all of them I thought they were mean.\u00a0 Joe said I could play, but I had to be the cook.\u00a0 I told him he could just go soak his head.\u00a0 He said I could be a pirate too and we played and played all day long.\u00a0 It was fun.\u00a0 I hope we play again.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

He thought of those times they had played pirates and sat daydreaming as his horse slowly walked down the road.\u00a0 It had been so fun to play for hours with his friends and pirates was his favorite scenario.\u00a0 He could spend hours playing and dreaming of different episodes from the pirate stories he had read about.<\/p>\n

He turned to another entry.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe came over today and he said it!\u00a0 I LOVE YOU!\u00a0 He said it!\u00a0 And he kissed me again. I can\u2019t believe it!\u00a0 He actually loves me.\u00a0 Oh diary, I have loved him for so long, and I never thought he would feel the same!\u00a0 He kisses so wonderfully!\u00a0 He\u2019s so handsome, and I just love him so much I could just scream.\u00a0 I can\u2019t wait to see him again.\u00a0 I hope he\u2019ll kiss me many, many more times.\u00a0 Oh how am I ever gonna sleep tonight?\u00a0 I wonder what he\u2019s doing right now!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

As Joe read, he felt himself first laughing at what Rebecca had written, and then he felt sad once more.\u00a0 The day he had told her he had loved her had started the happiest time in his life.\u00a0 His mind went to how it had ended, and he wiped away a tear.<\/p>\n

Joe looked up and realized as he had been reading his horse had almost passed the cemetery road.\u00a0 He closed the book and kicked the horse into a gallop down the short road to the cemetery.\u00a0 He dismounted and walked once more over to Rebecca\u2019s grave.\u00a0 He reread the headstone and then sat in front of it.\u00a0 He opened the diary once more and began to read.\u00a0 He felt so close to her as he sat reading.\u00a0 He smiled at times and once in a while laughed out loud at Rebecca\u2019s entries.\u00a0 He saw his name on the pages throughout and realized how long Rebecca had loved him.<\/p>\n

He read the first entry.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Pa has moved us to this place and I hate it.\u00a0 It\u2019s just awful.\u00a0 I like our old house better.\u00a0 I have to go to school tomorrow.\u00a0 I bet there is no one nice there.\u00a0 I hate it here.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He continued to read through and found an account of his time with Rebecca documented on the pages.\u00a0 She had written about so many things they had shared.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I went to the Harvest dance and danced with David a couple of times.\u00a0 He kept stepping on my feet and now they hurt.\u00a0 Joe showed up with his brothers and he danced with I think every girl there but me.\u00a0 He even danced with Glory Swain, that fat cow.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I am really mad right now.\u00a0 Joe has just made me so mad I can\u2019t stand it.\u00a0 He sits and tells me he is going to be gone for a month on a cattle drive and it is during my birthday.\u00a0 Oh I hate cows and Joe being gone.\u00a0 He is the one I wanted most at my party.\u00a0 Will he ever figure it out?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe laughed out loud as he read Rebecca\u2019s entries and realized he had no idea how she had felt for so long.\u00a0 She had been good at hiding her feelings from him.\u00a0 He wished she had not hid them so well.\u00a0 He wished for all the times he was reading about back once more.<\/p>\n

As Joe went through reading the diary, he found an entry that touched him deeply and he knew he had truly gotten to hear from Rebecca.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/p>\n

I just got back from the Cartwright\u2019s, and I have never been so afraid in my whole life.\u00a0 Joe was attacked by some crazy woman and hurt real bad.\u00a0 I was so glad I got there in time to shoot the woman, but he was hurt bad.\u00a0 I was so scared when I took him back to the ranch.\u00a0 I really thought he was going to die.\u00a0 He was bleeding so bad.\u00a0 I told him I loved him then.\u00a0 I have no idea what I would do if I lost him.\u00a0 I know I want him to love me the way I love him, but I realized something today.\u00a0 I realized that I just want him alive and my friend, even if I could have nothing else.\u00a0 I got so scared at losing him.\u00a0 What would I do?\u00a0 I\u2019ve gotten so used to having him around and being my friend.\u00a0 I know I will ALWAYS love him, but now I know I can be happy with just that.\u00a0 I just want him happy and alive.\u00a0 If that is all I can have it is enough.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe read the entry over and over, as the tears flowed.\u00a0 He looked at the headstone as if to look at her.\u00a0 He said aloud,\u00a0 “Rebecca, I love you.\u00a0 I love you so much.\u00a0 I needed this, and it is like you knew.\u00a0 You always knew \u2018bout me.\u00a0 I would give anything, everything to have you with me.\u00a0 I want you to know that.\u00a0 If I could choose, I want you to know it wouldn\u2019t take any thinkin\u2019 at all.\u00a0 I\u2019d just scoop you up in my arms and never let you go.\u00a0 You\u2019ll always be in my heart.\u00a0 You are my Bec, and there will be no other like you\u2026 Rebecca, I\u2019ll do it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go on, and I\u2019ll make you proud of me.\u00a0 But I want you to know I will treasure my time with you forever.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget us and I\u2019ll never lose you completely.\u00a0 Thank you for your words.”<\/p>\n

Joe sat a while longer and as he reached the end of the diary, he saw there were some blank pages in the back.\u00a0 The final entry in the diary read\u2026<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/em><\/p>\n

The wedding is getting closer and I can\u2019t wait!\u00a0 I am so excited to be Joe\u2019s wife.\u00a0 I have so much to do, and Joe has been so sweet about the whole thing. He has been spoiling me rotten, and I admit I like it, but I am going to be right beside him making our home and family.\u00a0 I want to help him with everything.\u00a0 I can\u2019t wait for our own place and to have our own family.\u00a0 I will get to have him all to myself!\u00a0 It has gotten harder and harder to say good bye every time at the end of being together.\u00a0 I hope I can make him happy in every way.\u00a0 I\u2019m kind of nervous about some of that but I know Joe will help me with every thing.\u00a0 He is such a good man.\u00a0 I cannot wait!<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood and walked over to his horse.\u00a0 He opened his saddlebag and dug around in it.\u00a0 He pulled out a pen and some ink and walked back over to Rebecca\u2019s grave.\u00a0 He sat down, opened the diary to the back and started writing.\u00a0 He sat for over an hour as the words poured from him, and he wrote to his Rebecca.\u00a0 He let himself cry as he talked to her.\u00a0 After Joe finished writing, he tore the pages from the diary.\u00a0 He then dug down deep into the ground over Rebecca\u2019s grave and placed the pages in the hole.\u00a0 He covered pages with dirt and patted the ground down firm.<\/p>\n

Joe then ran his hands over the headstone.\u00a0 He knew he wished there was some acknowledgment that he had loved her on the stone, but it was more important that Rebecca knew he loved her and it was evident from her diary she had known.\u00a0 That was really all he had needed.<\/p>\n

Although he was reluctant to leave, he knew he had to return home.\u00a0 He eventually stood, walked to his horse and mounted.\u00a0 He looked once more at the headstone and then turned and rode towards home.<\/p>\n

****<\/p>\n

Ben was trying not to pace back and forth.\u00a0 He grew more nervous as each minute passed and there were no hoof beats.\u00a0 He tried to hide his worries from his sons and Hop Sing but he was finding it difficult.\u00a0 After the work around the ranch house had finished, Hoss had stayed outside and was meticulously grooming Cochise.\u00a0 Adam had moved over to his favorite chair and was pretending to read.\u00a0 He had actually read the same paragraph numerous times as he periodically looked up at his father.\u00a0 He saw the worry on his father\u2019s face and wondered if there was a chance Joe was not coming home to them.\u00a0 As the time passed Adam too began to worry.\u00a0 He did not know what exactly was going on, but he knew it had been quite a while since his father had ridden into the yard and still there was no sign of his little brother.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing busied himself in the kitchen.\u00a0 He wanted a feast for his family when Joe returned.\u00a0 He worked hard at preparing the dinner and making sure he had cookies baking in the oven.\u00a0 He could not have the youngest Cartwright returning home without his favorite dessert.\u00a0 As Hop Sing worked, he too looked out the window often wondering what was keeping Little Joe.\u00a0 He knew he would not be truly happy until he could dote over Joe, making him comfortable. He knew he was doing his job well when Joe would fuss and tell him he was bothering him.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s fussing always made Hop Sing\u2019s heart happy. It meant the boy was happy and content.<\/p>\n

Ben could finally stand it no longer and he headed out to the barn.\u00a0 He thought of saddling Buck and heading into town.\u00a0 He saw Hoss rubbing Cochise and the gleam that rose from her coat.\u00a0 He smiled at how lovingly his son tended his brother\u2019s horse.\u00a0 “Hoss, Cochise looks beautiful.\u00a0 You really have kept her up nice.\u00a0 Joe will be so happy to see her looking so well.”<\/p>\n

“Awe Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m just gettin\u2019 her the way Joe always keeps her.”\u00a0 Hoss said.<\/p>\n

“Well she looks great, and Joe will be very happy.”\u00a0 Ben replied.\u00a0 He walked over to the back of the barn and looked at the road to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He held his breath.\u00a0 On the road was Joseph, his horse stopped.\u00a0 Joe had the horse standing perpendicular to the road and his head was down.\u00a0 Ben wanted to panic.\u00a0 He saw his son so close, but he worried that Joe was not going to turn the horse towards the house.\u00a0 He watched and thought,\u00a0 “Come on, Joe.\u00a0 Come on, son.\u00a0 Come home.\u00a0 We are all ready.\u00a0 Just turn the horse and head home.”<\/p>\n

Joe was waiting to reread the diary once more before he rode the final steps to the house.\u00a0 He loved the words on the page and had started to reread as soon as he had begun his ride back home.\u00a0 He let himself smile, laugh and cry. He loved her words as he had loved her and knew this book would remain forever special.\u00a0 He finished and turned the horse towards home.\u00a0 He was returning to his former life and the people who loved him.\u00a0 He prayed his father had kept his word and kept his secret.\u00a0 If he had not, Joe was not sure what he was riding into.\u00a0 He was ready to face what he had to, but prayed it was open arms.<\/p>\n

Ben saw Joe turn his horse towards the house and quickly left the barn.\u00a0 He did not want his son knowing he had doubted him at all.\u00a0 He wanted Joe to be able to hold his head up and experience the love of his family.<\/p>\n

The hoof beats were heard by Hoss in the barn, and Ben had no more reached to close the house door when he heard Joe arrive.\u00a0 Hoss ran from the barn and saw Joe dismounting.\u00a0 He grabbed his brother before he reached the ground and hugged him tight.\u00a0 “Joe, you\u2019re home!\u00a0 You\u2019re here!\u00a0 You\u2019re really here!”<\/p>\n

Joe felt himself taken from the horse and was engulfed in his brother\u2019s arms. He felt the strong grasp of Hoss and knew he was truly loved.\u00a0 He saw his bother\u2019s face and smiled.\u00a0 He felt a fear leave him as he felt his brother\u2019s love.\u00a0 As Hoss\u2019s grasp did not loosen, Joe began to gasp,\u00a0 “Hoss, I can\u2019t breathe!”<\/p>\n

Hoss heard the words and let his grasp loosen, but not much.\u00a0 At that moment he felt as if he would never want to let his little bother out of his reach. Ben and Adam had run out of the house at the sound of the horse approaching and saw the sight in the yard.\u00a0 Joe was off the ground being embraced by his brother.\u00a0 Hoss spun Joe around a few times and finally let him down.<\/p>\n

Joe was thoroughly\u00a0 thrilled with Hoss\u2019s greeting.\u00a0 He had so many fears, and as he felt Hoss\u2019s love, he realized Hoss would love him regardless.\u00a0 He said, “Hoss, it\u2019s so good to see you.\u00a0 I missed you!”\u00a0 Joe said and smiled as strongly as he could.<\/p>\n

Hoss noticed that although Joe looked much better than he had before he had left the Ponderosa, there was still something missing form his little brother. His smile gave it away.\u00a0 He also saw his brother was much thinner than he had ever seen him, but Hoss knew he could make sure that was taken care of.\u00a0 He just worried about the other.\u00a0 Joe looked sad, and that in turn made Hoss sad also.<\/p>\n

Joe turned from Hoss and saw his big brother.\u00a0 He looked at him for a moment, afraid of what Adam may say.\u00a0 Adam reached out and took Joe in his arms.\u00a0 The gesture touched Joe so deeply he began to cry once more.\u00a0 He stayed in Adam\u2019s arms feeling the love of his brother.\u00a0 He had worried about his oldest brother\u2019s reaction to him, and he had felt the love.\u00a0 Joe held tight to Adam for a moment, so relieved his dream had not come true.\u00a0 Adam noticed Joe\u2019s grasp and was overjoyed Joe was happy to see him.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 “I missed you little buddy.\u00a0 I really did.\u00a0 I just want you okay.”<\/p>\n

Joe finally allowed himself to pull away.\u00a0 The tears were streaming down his face as he looked at his brothers.\u00a0 He was relieved, elated, and overwhelmed. He felt they loved him, and he would use it to grow stronger.\u00a0 He finally looked past them to his father.\u00a0 He saw tears running down his father\u2019s face, and he smiled at him.\u00a0 He walked over and hugged the man he loved so very much.\u00a0 He said quietly, so only he and his father heard,\u00a0 “Papa, you were right.\u00a0 I love you.”<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s family escorted him into the house.\u00a0 He paused at the door and asked loudly,\u00a0 “Where is he?\u00a0 Where\u2019s Hop Sing?”<\/p>\n

Hop Sing ran around the corner at the sound of the youngest Cartwright\u2019s voice.\u00a0 Joe grabbed him, hugged him and swung him around.\u00a0 Joe said, “I missed you my friend.”<\/p>\n

Hop Sing, always one to maintain order said,\u00a0 “Joseph Cartwright!\u00a0 Put me down.\u00a0 You be bad boy now!”\u00a0 Hop Sing said in Cantonese so only Joe knew, “You stop!\u00a0 Joe you quit now,\u00a0 I talk later.”<\/p>\n

The family laughed as Joe lowered his friend to the ground.\u00a0 “I\u2019m sorry Hop Sing.\u00a0 I just missed you s\u2019all.”<\/p>\n

“Well Hop Sing busy.\u00a0 Very busy.\u00a0 Little Joe think he can come and go all the time.\u00a0 I have supper to prepare.\u00a0 Have cookie to bake.”<\/p>\n

Hop Sing\u2019s answer made Joe smile.\u00a0 It was so typical for his friend to not show emotion in front of others, but Joe had seen Hop Sing upset many times and knew he and his friend had shared many secrets together.\u00a0 Joe winked at his friend, and Hop Sing acknowledged it with a nod.\u00a0 Joe smiled at him and Hop Sing smiled back.\u00a0 Hop Sing thought to himself,\u00a0 “My boy is home.”\u00a0 He quickly returned to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

The remainder of the evening was spent with Adam and Hoss filling Ben and Joe in on the running of the ranch.\u00a0 No one broached the subject of the time Joe was in Sacramento, and Joe grew more comfortable.\u00a0 His mind would trail off at times to other times and other places, and his family would feel him leave mentally.\u00a0 They would watch, and he would return eventually.\u00a0 Ben had grown used to a pensive Little Joe, so he did not react as much as Hoss or Adam.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing beamed as he served dinner, and everyone ate heartily.\u00a0 Joe had noticed Hop Sing had made Sunday dinner for his return.\u00a0 It was chicken and dumplings and all the fixings.\u00a0 Joe knew Hop Sing had worked hard to prepare the meal, and he would have to thank him later.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss tried to get Joe to eat more, because his thinness scared them.\u00a0 He knew his family was worried, the way they fussed over him, and he found it to be loving on their part.\u00a0 He ate as much as he could and then pushed away from the table.\u00a0 He looked at Hoss taking another helping and had no idea how he did it.<\/p>\n

The family retired to the great room and they tried to settle into their normal pattern , but it felt awkward, and no one felt at peace.\u00a0 Finally, Joe suggested he had Hoss settle into their nightly checkers ritual, and it was as if the house breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 It was a quieter game than most, and Hoss won more than usual, but the family started to relax.\u00a0 Finally, Joe started to yawn several times, and he knew he was not long for the game.\u00a0 He soon told everyone he was tired and went upstairs to turn in.<\/p>\n

Upon entering his room, Joe walked to his saddlebag that had been thrown on the bed.\u00a0 He pulled out Rebecca\u2019s diary and rubbed his hands over it once more.\u00a0 He then walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer.\u00a0 He reached in and pulled out another book, his mother\u2019s diary.\u00a0 His father had given the book to him a year ago and it was one of his greatest treasures.\u00a0 Joe walked to his bookshelf and pulled out the book he had placed the wedding invitation in.\u00a0 He reread the invitation and then placed it in Rebecca\u2019s diary.\u00a0 He then returned to his dresser and placed the two books together in the drawer.\u00a0 He then got undressed and climbed into bed.\u00a0 He was quickly asleep.<\/p>\n

As soon as they heard Joe\u2019s door shut, Hoss and Adam were wanting to know more from their father.\u00a0 Adam knew better than to ask, but Hoss asked.\u00a0 “Pa, he\u2019s been through somethin\u2019.\u00a0 I just feel it.\u00a0 I know he\u2019s sad.\u00a0 I see it, and it bothers me, Pa.\u00a0 Does he know we\u2019re here.\u00a0 Pa, tell him.”<\/p>\n

“Oh Hoss, he knows.\u00a0 I\u2019ve told him.\u00a0 He loves you Hoss.\u00a0 You know it.\u00a0 We just have to be here for him.\u00a0 He\u2019s better than when he left, and he just needs time.”\u00a0 Ben reassured.<\/p>\n

Eventually the rest of the Cartwrights turned in and the Ponderosa slept quietly.\u00a0 Ben woke well before daybreak and wondered what had stirred him.\u00a0 He sat listening and heard nothing.\u00a0 He had grown accustomed to waking with his child and wondered if that was the reason.\u00a0 He listened for Joseph but heard nothing.\u00a0 He did not know if his child needed him or not, but he rose to go to him out of instinct.<\/p>\n

Ben walked down the hall and saw a lamp light in his youngest\u2019s room.\u00a0 He rounded the corner to see Hoss sitting in a chair watching Joe sleep.\u00a0 He immediately thought Joe had been crying out, but then he looked at his child in bed and saw him wrapped in blankets, only his head visible.\u00a0 Ben whispered, “Has he cried out?\u00a0 Is he okay?” Hoss whispered to his father,<\/p>\n

“Pa, I came in and the blankets were down.\u00a0 I pulled them up, and he didn\u2019t move.”<\/p>\n

“What are you doing here, Hoss?”\u00a0 Ben whispered his question.<\/p>\n

“I couldn\u2019t sleep, Pa.\u00a0 He\u2019s home, and I just wanna watch him some.\u00a0 Pa, I don\u2019t want him goin\u2019 again.\u00a0 I missed him.”<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart broke for his son.\u00a0 He had known how close his two youngest were and saw the pain that Hoss had endured.\u00a0 He said,\u00a0 “Hoss, you tell him ’bout your love for him.\u00a0 Don\u2019t just let it be.\u00a0 Tell him.\u00a0 Joe loves you so much, and he has to know how you love him.”<\/p>\n

As they whispered another joined them.\u00a0 Adam came to Joe\u2019s door assuming he would be alone in his attempt to check on his little brother.\u00a0 He saw his brother and father talking quietly.\u00a0 \u201cIs he okay?\u201d\u00a0 Adam asked the concern on his face showing.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s fine, son.\u00a0 I think it is us who are not doing well.\u00a0 Boys, Joe\u2019s home and he\u2019s going to stay.\u00a0 We need to trust him and get things back to normal as soon as possible.\u00a0 So lets all go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

No one moved even after Ben had suggested they go to bed, and the three men stayed much of the remainder of the night watching Joe sleep.<\/p>\n

****<\/p>\n

The Ponderosa stopped her waiting when Joe returned home.\u00a0 Although it was late fall and winter was approaching, the land was awake and alive once more.\u00a0 Joe found himself quickly falling into his old routine, and he grew stronger.\u00a0 His leg allowed him more and more freedom with each passing day.\u00a0 He pronounced it healed when he was finally able to sit a bucking horse and return to his responsibilities of managing the Ponderosa horses.<\/p>\n

When he first returned to the ranch, Joe was much quieter than his brothers were used to, but he eventually began to be restored to his former self.\u00a0 In the beginning he took long rides to his mother\u2019s grave with the diaries and would sit and read.\u00a0 As time passed though, the rides became less frequent as Joe began to be more busy and had less time to himself.\u00a0 He was relieved that the final dream on the trail never returned, and he had been free of nightmares since.<\/p>\n

He eventually made himself round up Marc Antony and meticulously groomed the horse.\u00a0 He knew he had come far in his recovery when he was able to saddle the palomino and ride him.\u00a0 He rode the horse only once, but was pleased he was able to do it and think of Rebecca.\u00a0 After riding him, Joe once more groomed the animal and placed him in the stall next to Cochise.\u00a0 He knew he would always keep the horse.<\/p>\n

Ben watched Joe\u2019s recovery and saw his son coming back more and more.\u00a0 He was glad when he had to reprimand Joe for tracking in mud from the yard.\u00a0 It was much more the way it used to be.\u00a0 Ben saw Joe opening up and relaxing.\u00a0 He knew his son still cried for Rebecca, but the deep sadness appeared to have lifted.\u00a0 He thanked God often for keeping his youngest safe and bringing him home.\u00a0 He just wished he could see Joe fully restored.\u00a0 He wanted the lightheartedness of his son back.\u00a0 It would not be long before Ben would get his wish.<\/p>\n

Ben stood out in the yard enjoying the day.\u00a0 He had finished recording the long list of branding records and was wanting a break before returning to more work.\u00a0 He looked over to the barn and saw Joe up on a ladder touching up the paint on the barn.\u00a0 He watched his son work, so grateful to see him alive and well.\u00a0 He realized he had enjoyed the long talks he had experienced with him and felt he had found a wonderful person in his youngest.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam rode into the yard and dismounted their horses.\u00a0 They spoke briefly with their father and then walked towards the barn.\u00a0 Joe had the ladder positioned in such a way that they would have to walk under where he was working in order to enter the barn.\u00a0 Ben watched as Adam and Hoss walked towards Joe and saw a very mischievous look come over Joe\u2019s face.\u00a0 He had not seen that look in months, and he smiled himself.\u00a0 He knew what was coming and stood watching attentively.<\/p>\n

As Hoss and Adam passed under the ladder Joe grinned and pushed over the can of paint.\u00a0 Paint showered down on the two.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam let out a shout and stood momentarily frozen.\u00a0 That gave Joe time to jump from the ladder and start running.\u00a0 He headed straight for his father giggling uncontrollably.\u00a0 \u201cPa save me!\u201d\u00a0 He said through his laughter.<\/p>\n

Ben stood shaking his head no and trying not to laugh.\u00a0 Joe then ran passed him towards the door to the house.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s voice boomed as he said,\u00a0 \u201cNot in the house!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe never slowed as he quickly turned to head around the back of the house.\u00a0 As he ran he said,\u00a0 \u201cPa, don\u2019t tell, \u2018em where I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam were wiping paint from their faces and were ready to deal with their little brother.\u00a0 Hoss yelled out \u201cDadburn your ornery hide Joe!\u00a0 Wait till I get my hands on you!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss ran after Joe, and as they approached their father Ben simply pointed to the back of the house.\u00a0 They took off running.\u00a0 Ben heard them catch Joe, and Joe\u2019s screaming protests through his laughter.\u00a0 He then saw as all three came back around the corner with Hoss carrying Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, help!\u201d\u00a0 Joe called out.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head no and continued to watch.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on guys, it was an accident!\u00a0 I didn\u2019t see ya there, really!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Joe we really believe that.\u201d\u00a0 Adam said as the neared the barn.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, baby brother here was not doing too good of a job painting.\u00a0 Look he missed a whole lot.\u00a0 We\u2019ll just help him out.\u00a0 Hoss hold him tight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe saw Adam reach for the paint brush and the can of paint.\u00a0 Adam ran the brush through the remaining paint, and then looked at Joe and smiled.\u00a0 Adam said devilishly, \u201cThis will be fun.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s protests escalated and he squirmed in Hoss\u2019s arms,\u00a0 \u201cNO!\u00a0 NO!\u00a0 NO!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben watched and laughed.\u00a0 He saw all three of his boys were laughing as Adam thoroughly covered Joe in paint.\u00a0 He then realized what he was seeing before him.\u00a0 Tears formed in his eyes, but they were tears of joy. He looked to Heaven and said \u201cThank you.\u00a0 My Joseph is back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The End<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0 Joe finds love and loses it.\u00a0 This coming of age story has Joe work through the pain of loss to find hidden feelings and old hurts. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0MA (137,230 words)<\/p>\n

To Be Loved As No Other Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7721,"featured_media":1051,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,690],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-2469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-ma-rated","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-690-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2431,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Joe1.png?fit=608%2C570&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":12134,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12134","url_meta":{"origin":2469,"position":0},"title":"In My Father’s House (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"May 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. 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Rating:\u00a0 R\u00a0 (65,725 words) Due to subject matter contained in this series, the stories are only available via e:mail from the author -- ryjennie@comcast.net","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/4Cs.jpg?fit=400%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12133,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=12133","url_meta":{"origin":2469,"position":5},"title":"Frightened Beyond Reason (by DebbieB)","author":"DebbieB","date":"June 1, 2002","format":false,"excerpt":"DebbieB passed away Christmas 2021. 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