{"id":2522,"date":"2004-06-22T23:14:35","date_gmt":"2004-06-23T03:14:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2522"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:09:34","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:09:34","slug":"in-loving-memory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2522","title":{"rendered":"In Loving Memory (by Rona)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>The Cartwrights reflect on the impact Marie had on their lives. <\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0(3,155 words)<\/span><\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/span><\/p>\n

In Loving Memory<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listening as his sons erupted into yet another quarrel over nothing, Ben wondered why they were all so on edge. There were no particular problems on the ranch and as far as he was aware, none of his sons had just suffered a broken relationship. So what was it? Very early or very late spring fever? Were they coming down with something?<\/span><\/p>\n

Rising, Ben crossed to the door, yanked it open and bellowed, \u201cWill you all shut up right now! I\u2019m sick of the fighting!\u201d Without waiting for a response, he banged the door shut and went back to his desk. There was resounding silence coming through the partially open study window.<\/span><\/p>\n

And it was then that it occurred to Ben that he was irritable, too, or else why would he have gone off at the deep end a moment ago? The boys did sometimes fight and although Ben didn\u2019t like it, he generally allowed them to sort it out for themselves. What was wrong with them all?<\/span><\/p>\n

Resting his chin on his hands, Ben\u2019s gaze fell on the photos on his desk and he suddenly knew, without any shadow of a doubt, what was wrong with them all. It was fast approaching the anniversary of Marie\u2019s death.<\/span><\/p>\n

**********************<\/span><\/p>\n

In many ways, he had become used to her not being there, but he never stopped missing her. There wasn\u2019t a day went by when Ben didn\u2019t think of Marie \u2013 Or Elizabeth or Inger \u2013 but usually those thoughts were of happy times.<\/span><\/p>\n

But sometimes, Ben had to admit those thoughts were anything but happy. Those were the times he railed against the fate that had taken his beloved wife from him. He had never been as happy as when he was married to Marie. Much as he had loved Inger and Elizabeth, Marie made him complete. Joe had been the seal on their happiness, although Marie had been disappointed when she had never managed to conceive again, especially as she had lost their first child together.*<\/span><\/p>\n

Rising, Ben grabbed his hat and went outside to get his horse. The boys were nowhere to be seen, but that suited Ben\u2019s mood at that moment. He had an overwhelming urge to visit those graves by the lake. He didn\u2019t need to go there to remember his wife and the infant daughter who had never known life, but today, he just had to be there.<\/span><\/p>\n

Standing over the graves, Ben could feel tears in his eyes. \u201cMarie, my love, how I miss you,\u201d he whispered. \u201cHow can so many years have passed without you by my side? I hope that you\u2019re as proud of our son as I am. Joe\u2019s been a challenge, as he was from the first day of his life, but he\u2019s a remarkable, unusual man. I\u2019d be lost without him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Without warning, the tears began to fall, and wracking sobs shook the patriarch of the Ponderosa. He cried for all their life could have been, had Marie lived; he cried for the shocking suddenness of her death, which robbed his sons of their mother; he cried for the loneliness he had felt ever since; he cried for the joy of having known her; he cried for the richness she had brought to the family and he cried for the precious gift of their son.<\/span><\/p>\n

Exhausted, but feeling much lighter after the catharsis of tears, Ben wiped his face and sighed. \u201cMarie, I\u2019ve become used to living without you and I enjoy my life. But I do still miss you and I always will.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A feeling of peace swept over him, as if often did when he came here. Ben fancied it was Marie\u2019s spirit touching his soul and the thought gave him renewed strength and comfort. Blowing a kiss to the grave, Ben paused for a moment by Rose\u2019s grave and remembered the tiny, perfect infant who had never known the joys and sorrows of life. \u201cI love you,\u201d he told the child\u2019s memory and took comfort from the fact that Marie and Rose were together.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****************************<\/span><\/p>\n

Later that same day, another horseman stopped by the graveyard by the lake. Tethering his flighty chestnut gelding, Adam went into the graveyard and stopped for a moment by his sister\u2019s grave. He had grieved long and hard for the loss of the baby and knew that was when he had started to behave in a more civilized manner towards Marie. Stooping, Adam placed a single dog rose on the grave.<\/span><\/p>\n

As always, when faced with his stepmother\u2019s grave, Adam felt a flush of shame crawl up his neck. He had been stunned when Ben brought Marie home and appalled that this young woman, only a few years older than himself, was to be his \u2018mother\u2019. He had behaved about as badly as it was possible to behave and Marie had been gentle and loving towards him, as she had been to Hoss.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was only later that Adam discovered how much his behavior had hurt Marie. Only after Joe was born did he discover that most nights she had gone to bed and wept because of the attitude of her oldest stepson. In retrospect, Adam was appalled at some of the things he had done, and was amazed that Marie hadn\u2019t told Ben about some of them. He knew his father would have given him a \u2018necessary little talk\u2019 had some of those misdeeds come to light!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Marie,\u201d Adam offered. \u201cAnd I\u2019m so thankful that you didn\u2019t give up on me. No one could have blamed you if you\u2019d turned your back on me. It was only really after Joe was born that I completely accepted you and I am sorry. I\u2019m the loser because I missed out on those first years of your love. Hoss was right \u2013 I was a fool.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At the time, Adam had been furious that his little brother \u2013 a full 6 years younger than him and barely more than a baby himself \u2013 should have the temerity to lecture Adam about his attitude to their stepmother.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019 see why ya don\u2019 like her,\u201d Hoss stated stubbornly, glaring at Adam. \u201cShe\u2019s nice an\u2019 pretty an\u2019 kind an\u2019 she loves us. Sides, Pa choosed her, an\u2019 I don\u2019 think Pa would choose a bad person ta love, do ya?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe should have told us he was thinking about getting married again,\u201d Adam replied, sulkily. \u201cHe shouldn\u2019t have just brought her home! It wasn\u2019t fair!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa done tol\u2019 ya how it happened,\u201d Hoss persisted. \u201cAn\u2019 yer jist plain mean ta her, Adam, an\u2019 I think yer stupid! So there!\u201d Hoss stalked off, outrage and anger visible in every pore in his body.<\/span><\/p>\n

At the time, Adam had wavered, knowing that Hoss was right, but unable to give up his outrage. He had been desperately hurt by the loss of Inger, Hoss\u2019 mother, and was afraid to love again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you for not giving up on me,\u201d Adam concluded. He laid the flower he had brought for Marie onto the grave. \u201cIf only I had given in sooner,\u201d he murmured, regret as sharp as a knife. But it was too late; Adam had to live with the knowledge that he had been foolish; however, he also had the remembered comfort that Marie had forgiven him, willingly and readily, and never held his foolish behavior against him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Slowly, Adam turned away and walked back to his horse. He felt at peace once more.<\/span><\/p>\n

***********************<\/span><\/p>\n

High above the river, in his favorite spot, Hoss Cartwright looked out over the magnificent view and was silent. He had no memory of his own mother, who had died when he was only a matter of weeks old, and although he cherished her photograph, Marie was the woman that his heart called mother.<\/span><\/p>\n

He remembered the moment when Ben had brought Marie into the house. He had been very apprehensive, terrified that this beautiful creature his father had brought home would scorn him because he wasn\u2019t as clever or handsome as Adam. But when Marie had smiled at him and opened her arms, Hoss had given over his heart completely and utterly.<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back now, in retrospect, Hoss realized that he must have driven Marie crazy in those first few months. He was so enamored of her that he followed her around all the time when he was at home, constantly chattering, filling her ears with the minutiae of his life. But Marie had never indicated to him that she was bored. She listened closely to everything he said, praised him when he did well in school, chided him when he forgot his chores and helped him when he needed it. But above all, she loved him as much as if she had given birth to him. Hoss knew how lucky he\u2019d been; he had friends who\u2019d had step-parents and often the new family did not gel well at all.<\/span><\/p>\n

The only fly in the ointment had been Adam, who had been sulky and rude whenever he could get away with it, barely polite sometimes and clearly jealous of this new person who had claimed some of Pa\u2019s love. Hoss had tried to explain to Adam that Pa wouldn\u2019t love them any the less if he loved Marie, but it had taken a long time for stubborn Adam to admit that he was at fault.<\/span><\/p>\n

Shaking his head, Hoss smiled as he remembered Marie\u2019s delight when Adam had finally thawed towards her. And although Hoss had deeply resented baby Joe to begin with, he had soon become reconciled, and more than reconciled, to his baby brother.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marie had not been a saint, Hoss knew. She had a fiery temperament, just like Joe, and could throw the most magnificent temper tantrums. But Hoss had loved her and as he sat in his favorite spot, he cherished her memory and gave her all the honor he could for being such a wonderful mother to him. He knew how fortunate he had been.<\/span><\/p>\n

********************************<\/span><\/p>\n

Horse-breaking really should be done with your mind fully on the job. Joe knew this, but still he was slightly distracted that day. He hit the ground umpteen times over the course of the day\u2019s work and couldn\u2019t remember a time when he had been so glad to be finished. Stiff and bruised, Joe rode slowly home.<\/span><\/p>\n

At the house, Joe was glad to find Ben alone. He wasn\u2019t sure quite how to start the conversation he wanted to have with his father, because he wasn\u2019t entirely sure what was wrong with him, but he knew something was and Ben would be the person to help him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry we were arguing earlier,\u201d Joe began, tentatively. \u201cI don\u2019t know what was wrong with us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI do,\u201d Ben replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you?\u201d Joe asked, astonished. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Drawing Joe over to the sofa, Ben sat down beside him. \u201cTomorrow is the anniversary of your mother\u2019s death, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At once, Joe\u2019s pupils dilated, the black almost swallowing the green irises. Tears suddenly drowned Joe\u2019s eyes and spilled down his face. He had almost no memory of his mother, but suddenly, her image seemed to be crystal clear in front of him and he could hear her voice and smell her perfume. His loss seemed suddenly fresh, as if it had just happened. He couldn\u2019t speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

Moved by Joe\u2019s obvious distress, Ben could feel corresponding tears in his own eyes, but he made no attempt to blink them away. He simply drew Joe close to him and put his arms around his son. They sat there for a long time.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy is it so hard, Pa?\u201d Joe asked, at last. He dragged a sleeve over his eyes. \u201cNot every day, but at this time?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t really know,\u201d Ben replied, thoughtfully. \u201cPerhaps because your mother died in an accident. It\u2019s always hard when you lose someone you love, but when someone dies of old age, you know they have lived a full life, not that I makes the loss any easier. She didn\u2019t have the chance to grow old.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes, I can\u2019t see her face without her picture in my hand,\u201d Joe confessed in a low voice, as though this was a sin.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes, neither can I,\u201d Ben admitted. \u201cThat\u2019s not wrong, Joe. It just happens. And other times, I feel as though your mother is in the next room, waiting for me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish she could have known that Clay was alive,\u201d Joe murmured.<\/span><\/p>\n

A pang went through Ben\u2019s heart at the thought of Marie\u2019s other son. He was sorry for Clay, but not sorry that the young man had decided not to stay on the Ponderosa, although that was something he would never admit to Joe. For Joe\u2019s sake \u2013 and Marie\u2019s \u2013 he would have made Clay welcome had he decided to stay, but Clay had had such a different life that it would have been very difficult. Would Marie have been proud of her boy, had she met him? In some respects, Ben thought yes; in others, he knew she would have been disappointed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t change the past,\u201d Ben reminded Joe gently. \u201cDon\u2019t spend your life wishing you could change what has happened. Everything you\u2019ve experienced in your life has made you what you are today, Joe, and I know your mother would be very proud of the man you\u2019ve become.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Once again, the tears spilled over, but this time, Joe was smiling, too. \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d he whispered, too overcome to say anything more. He knew that Ben was proud of him; his father wasn\u2019t chary with praise for any of his sons, but it meant a great deal to Joe to learn again that his mother would have been proud of him, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

As he got changed, it occurred to Joe that grief was a very selfish emotion, yet when grief was shared, it became much easier to bear. He knew that most people would think that they should be \u2018over\u2019 the loss of Marie, since it had happened many years before. Yet Joe had learned that although you could become used to living without someone, and could be very happy, the loss never entirely went away. There would some sad times, but life was for living and living a half life \u2013 when his mother had lived her life to the fullest extent \u2013 would be an insult to the woman who had birthed him and the man downstairs who had raised him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Drifting over to gaze out of the window, Joe knew that there would be times when he felt the loss of his mother as keenly as if it had just happened and he would grieve for her then. But for the rest of the time, he would live his life to the full, taking the risks as they came.<\/span><\/p>\n

A noise below drew his attention and he glanced down to see his brothers riding into the yard. Feeling revitalized, Joe hurriedly pulled on clean clothes and went downstairs for supper.<\/span><\/p>\n

***************************<\/span><\/p>\n

They each apologized to the others for their bad tempers earlier in the day, and confessed their thoughts. \u201cI read a poem about that somewhere,\u201d Adam declared and vanished upstairs to fetch a magazine down. \u201cNo one knows who wrote it,\u201d he told the others and began to read:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo not stand at my grave and weep<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am not there, I do not sleep.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am a thousand winds that blow<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am the diamond glints on snow.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am the sunlight on ripened grain<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am the gentle autumn rain<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0When you awaken in the morning hush<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am the swift, uplifting rush<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Of quiet birds in circled flight<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am the soft stars that shine at night.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Do not stand at my grave and cry<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am not there; I did not die.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There was silence after he finished until Adam gently cleared his throat and began to recite again:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDeath is nothing at all.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I have only slipped away into the next room.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am I and you are you.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Whatever we were to each other that we still are.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Call me by my old familiar name<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Speak to me in the easy way you always used.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Play, smile, think of me.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Let my name be the household word that it always was<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Life means all that it ever meant.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0There is absolutely unbroken continuity\u2026<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I am waiting for you, for an interval,<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Somewhere near, just round the corner.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0All is well.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Thank you, son,\u201d Ben said at last.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was another silence until Hoss smiled. \u201cD\u2019ya remember the time Ma dropped the sugar bowl?\u201d he asked, the laughter lurking in his voice. \u201cI hadn\u2019t never heard them words before!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Sniggering, Adam replied, \u201cNeither had Joe \u2013 but he made a good job of repeating them!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Grinning, Ben remembered his wife\u2019s rage as the full sugar bowl slipped from her hands and shattered on the floor, spilling the precious white sugar everywhere. She was having some ladies around for afternoon tea and spilling the sugar was a calamity, since the ladies were due in a very short time. Marie\u2019s famed temper had got the better of her and she swore aloud, not realizing what she had done until Joe, who was only about two, parroted the words back to her. Hoss and Adam, dressed up and dreading the boring afternoon in front of them, had been hard put to keep straight faces and had been overjoyed when Marie had sent them upstairs with Joe, to keep the infant amused while her friends were in the house. What a scandal it would have caused if Joe had repeated those words in front of the visitors!<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a favorite story of the Cartwrights and one that never failed to send them all into gales of laughter. As he wiped the tears of glee from his eyes, Ben could hear, in his memory, Marie laughing at the incident once it was all safely over.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah yes, my love,<\/em>\u00a0he thought,\u00a0that poet knew what he was talking about. You\u2019re not forgotten and never will be as long as we draw breath.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/span><\/p>\n

*Borrowed from Claire\u2019s story When Will I See You Again<\/a>?<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

First poem by unknown author.<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Second poem by Henry Scott Holland. It was dated 1910, but I borrowed it as it fitted so nicely.<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

In loving memory of my mother Rona Goodall\u00a0 (1928-1999).<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 The Cartwrights reflect on the impact Marie had on their lives.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0(3,155 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":5719,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","wpcat-23-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Marie.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2522","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/45"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2522"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2522\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5719"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2522"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2522"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2522"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}