{"id":28285,"date":"2020-03-26T16:41:59","date_gmt":"2020-03-26T20:41:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28285"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:39:18","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:39:18","slug":"when-grace-heals-a-broken-spirit-by-missjudy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28285","title":{"rendered":"When Grace Heals a Broken Spirit (by Missjudy)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0<\/strong> The Triangle episode has always bothered me. It showed an upbeat Adam who was always chipper and jolly. Yet he\u2019d been seriously injured, and was not having optimal outcomes when it came to walking again. He would certainly have gone through some very dark times while considering his future in a wheel chair. \u00a0In addition, he had to have felt Laura\u2019s coolness and emotional absence, since she loved Will. This is my personal adaptation of that episode with a little backstory. It is a realistic and gritty look at the likely medical outcomes of the fall; the emotional battles Adam would have faced, and the power of brotherly love.<\/p>\n

Rating:<\/strong> K<\/p>\n

Word Count:<\/strong> 17425<\/p>\n

When Grace Heals a Broken Spirit <\/strong><\/p>\n

One eye opened. The other followed after a bit of tugging on the crustiness gluing his lashes together. His room was lit by the short-wicked glow from a lamp on his desk, and he knew Hoss was nearby, as evidenced by his snore, reminiscent of a two-man saw taking down a hundred-year-old pine.<\/p>\n

Panic slipped under his covers as he tried to inhale and his chest refused to expand beyond a certain point. The effort caused pain and the feeling of suffocation. Adding to his panic, human nature made him attempt the action again, with the same results. Stop It!<\/em> He shouted in his mind. Trying harder won\u2019t change the result. I\u2019ve gotta calm down<\/em>! His inner command brought some relief as he slowed his breaths, and kept them shallow enough to chase away the darkness forming at the edge of his vision. With some amount of control reestablished, he felt along his chest and found the overlapping edges of a fabric binding beneath his nightshirt. I must have cracked ribs<\/em>. The unpleasant thought brought a shallow sigh. I hate broken ribs; always feels like a stubborn mule is sitting on you.<\/em><\/p>\n

He closed his eyes again, and nearly shouted as an unexpected memory of tumbling off the ladder was accompanied by the dizzying sensation of falling. Grabbing the edge of the mattress connected him to something solid until the vertigo subsided. Where\u2019d that come from! The actual fall wasn\u2019t that terrifying.\u201d <\/em>He snuffed in disgust. How stupid to get distracted while up that high! You\u2019d think I\u2019d learn not to challenge gravity.<\/em><\/p>\n

Understanding why he wasn\u2019t able to inhale fully allowed him to relax into a shallower pattern of breathing, and his injured body began tugging him back into sleep: the type that allows dreams while not being completely lost in slumber. In this state, he opened his eyes and looked up at a lovely young woman who was speaking soft, reassuring words as he regained consciousness after a fall from a ladder at Abel\u2019s home. \u201cYou\u2019re fine, Adam,\u201d she said soothingly while stroking his cheek and pushing his hair back from his forehead. \u201cYour grandfather went for help, and my aunt is helping the housekeeper get your room ready so we can move you once the doctor arrives.\u201d<\/p>\n

Melinda<\/em>. The memory of her, woke him from the light sleep. The dream had been so real that he\u2019d felt her hair brush against his cheek as she\u2019d leaned forward. He\u2019d smelled lavender in that wisp of brown curls, and felt the softness of her hand as she\u2019d rested it against his face. Her touch and soothing voice had removed his fear, and his heart ached now, as he remembered falling in love with Melinda that day.<\/p>\n

His body fought again to make him sleep, but memories of that long-ago tumble, contrasted with the recent one, keeping him awake to think things through.<\/p>\n

The first plunge had occurred as he\u2019d been pruning back branches that scratched at the second-story windows of his grandfather\u2019s house. Melinda had walked over with her aunt, Abel\u2019s nearest neighbor and friend, and her presence had prompted poor decisions in both men. His choice to get a better look at the beauty below him, and Abel\u2019s decision to let go of the ladder at ground level, had sent the unsecured implement in an arc, depositing him in a nearby tree.* The episode may have been the first occasion to be with Melinda, but the initial friendship had grown as they\u2019d spent weekends together whenever they could visit their respective relatives.<\/p>\n

During those visits, he\u2019d developed a deep love for this intelligent, confident woman, leading to his proposal after graduation. Melinda had been on her way to further her education, and he needed to return to his family, but he\u2019d wanted some assurance that they\u2019d remain together in spirit if not geographically. The certainty of several years apart, had prompted her to decline his offer at the time\u2014not from lack of loving him or wanting to marry him\u2014but because she\u2019d not wanted an oral contract enforcing their affection. This gave them freedom to experience life without limits. Her final thought was that this would make for an intense and sweet reunion when their individual obligations were fulfilled, and that she\u2019d propose to him then.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d said goodbye to her on warm summer day, without a clue that it was the last time he\u2019d ever hear from her. \u00a0Not a single correspondence had made its way west, leaving him lost as to what had gone wrong. He\u2019d had to move on, yet over the years, his heart had often whispered that whatever had happened had been out of their control.\u00a0 His thoughts about this were borne out at a chance meeting with Melinda a week back when he\u2019d traveled to Sacramento just prior to his engagement party.<\/p>\n

His memories returned to dreams as his body forced him to drift off again, and those days in Sacramento took center stage. \u00a0He and Melinda had been tense and wary with each other at first, until they\u2019d realized that the promised letters had been sent<\/em> both east and west; they\u2019d just never made their destinations. Knowing this had unlocked every loving feeling he\u2019d hidden away for twelve years. There\u2019d been no boundaries of propriety crossed. They\u2019d simply walked, talked, reminisced, and then shared a simple kiss goodbye. Yet their eyes had spoken what their words could not.<\/p>\n

The small wrapped box holding the wedding ring he\u2019d purchased for Laura, had felt huge and heavy in his pocket all the way to Virginia City, and its weight had increased with every mile closer to home. His joy at seeing Melinda vanished into a vapor that he\u2019d allowed to drift away while he dealt with what awaited him at the Dayton house.\u00a0 The hardest part of letting go, was that he\u2019d felt happy being with Melinda: happier than he\u2019d been in years. He\u2019d even seen a path to a happy future that he\u2019d never felt with Laura.<\/p>\n

His head rocked back and forth on the pillow as his dream brought him to the site of the house he\u2019d been building, and he again opened his eyes: this time finding Laura fussing over him after the fall. Instead of hearing her soothing words and reassurances, he felt her wet fingertips dabbing at his face while saying, \u201cthey\u201d hadn\u2019t been trying to spy on him.<\/p>\n

He managed to scratch his way back to consciousness, and shivered at the comparison of the two women who\u2019d witnessed his flying exhibitions.<\/p>\n

Even in this stuporous state, he remembered the stark truth that had withered his soul as he\u2019d said goodbye to Melinda in Sacramento. He neither loved Laura, nor wanted to marry her. He\u2019d been driven into a proposal by a form of desperation for home and family, and to quiet the prodding expectation of others who\u2019d had no right to meddle.<\/p>\n

Still, he had proposed, and this had kept him from telling Melinda how he felt. He\u2019d quickly adjusted his next steps, knowing he needed to work things out with Laura. His thoughts stepped back to his reunion with his fianc\u00e9 the day he\u2019d returned, and being met with her lukewarm enthusiasm. Her reluctance to set a date, and her complaints about their courtship spoke to more than her anger at him for missing their party. She\u2019d looked through him\u2026or at least not at him during her explanation. This had spurred his hope that Laura was experiencing a similar change-of-heart.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d been kindly towards her by suggesting it was a case of jitters. With Laura, decisions didn\u2019t come easy, and he knew he had to allow her to reach her own conclusion. She\u2019d come close that day, but as always, real honesty had eluded both of them, and he\u2019d walked away to give her time.<\/p>\n

Thinking through the encounter later, he realized that her response had been accompanied by the fluttering and fidgeting behaviors she exhibited when being less than truthful. It was the same behavior she\u2019d shown towards him after he\u2019d fallen.<\/p>\n

He was more awake now than asleep as he thought, Laura wasn\u2019t alone<\/em>. Someone lifted the beam from my chest and said he was going for help.<\/em> Remembering those initial moments following the fall was coming as hard as breathing. \u00a0I recognized the voice. Will!<\/em> It was Will<\/em>. I could see that it was Laura\u2019s buggy coming towards the house, but she wasn\u2019t driving it, and I twisted around to see who was with her.<\/em> Why she was out riding with Will when a few hours earlier she was too sick to attend church? <\/em><\/p>\n

Fully awake again, he decided to put his fruitless pondering aside to assess what other physical damage he\u2019d sustained. His entire back ached, making him attempt to stretch out the tightness. The effort caused another wave of breathless panic as his muscles failed to respond below his waist. Attempts to wiggle his toes failed, as did his tries to bend his knees or raise his hips. His mouth hadn\u2019t felt this dry since entering Kane\u2019s camp after walking miles in the desert heat. Paralyzed<\/em>. He silently screamed the obscene word again. Paralyzed! I\u2019m paralyzed from the hips down! No wonder I didn\u2019t feel any pain down there. <\/em><\/p>\n

He focused again to bring his breathing under control. Maybe my legs are just asleep from laying here so long<\/em>. He tried moving again, expecting the pins-and-needles of a waking limb to ensue. Feeling nothing like that, he concentrated harder on moving any part of his lower body.<\/p>\n

The lack of response kicked his engineer\u2019s mind into considering the problem rationally. When connections in the body are working, the idea\u2026or need to move, requires no effort. Thought brings immediate action. <\/em><\/p>\n

His thoughts were now as parched as his mouth, and the only grace he found, was to assume he\u2019d drifted off, and was dreaming again. The hope was short-lived, as the crescendo of his brother\u2019s choking snore provided the proof that he was awake. He turned his head, and croaked, \u201cHoss.\u201d His volume couldn\u2019t compete with the human saw, so he did what he could to moisten his lips and tongue, and tried again. \u201cHoss!\u201d<\/p>\n

The giant awoke in fairytale fashion, grunting with the effort required to sit up; rubbing his eyes, and smacking his lips until he was fully conscious. It took a second to remember where he was, but he slipped quickly to his knees at the side of the bed to be at eye level with his brother. \u201cAdam! Am I ever glad to see you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2026long?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s voice remained raspy, causing Hoss to grab a glass of water from the bedside table as he answered, \u201cIt\u2019s after midnight, so it\u2019s Monday now; you fell early yesterday afternoon, if that\u2019s what yer askin\u2019. Here, let me help ya sit up a little and wet your whistle some.\u201d<\/p>\n

His thirst outweighed other concerns for the moment, and Adam found that he could actually remain sitting up with Hoss\u2019 boost. The strength he mustered to hold this position ended abruptly after draining most of the glass, and he allowed his brother to ease him back to the pillow. \u00a0The water restored his ability to speak, even though his delivery was unsteady. \u201cI can\u2019t move my legs, Hoss.\u201d The anguished look he saw on his younger brother\u2019s face brought clarity. \u201cSeems you already know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc Smith suspected it. You were in-and-out of knowing what was goin\u2019 on after fallin\u2019, and when we lifted you into bed, you mumbled somethin\u2019 about not feel nothin\u2019 down there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam attempted a grin. \u201cI must have been far more out<\/em> than in<\/em>, since I don\u2019t remember anything like that.\u201d He tried to draw enough breath to sigh, but was thwarted as before, and fought his fear again before finally growling, \u201cI survived the fall to become an invalid. How\u2019s that for insult to injury.\u201d His thoughts were crashing like waves on a 12-foot sea, bringing back old memories to haunt the current situation. \u201cIt\u2019s funny isn\u2019t it?\u201d He said more to himself than his companion.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s funny?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA few years ago, I fought Paul about removing my leg after that arrow wound festered. I won \u2026 that one \u2026 only to have both legs taken from me now. What\u2019s worse is that I\u2019ll still have them, but they\u2019ll be useless and require me to have constant assistance. Kind of makes you wonder if getting my way last time simply deferred paying the price required.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t even think them things, Adam. First off, the doc wasn\u2019t even sure you\u2019d wake up again, so I\u2019m gonna be thankful you\u2019re alive. I\u2019ve always been honest with you, Big Brother, so I\u2019m tellin\u2019 ya that whether you walk again is not the biggest problem you got just now. Let\u2019s get you better before you go off thinking the worst.\u201d<\/p>\n

The look sent Hoss\u2019 way was tortured. \u201cSo, you\u2019re saying that I\u2019m probably gonna die, so I won\u2019t need my legs anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop putting words in my mouth.\u201d Hoss offered the water again: made his brother finish it, and then spent a good deal of time refilling the empty glass by the desk to keep Adam from seeing his expression. The earlier conversations between the doctor and Pa had concluded exactly what Adam had just surmised, and he knew that if he turned around, Adam would know it too. Walking towards the door, he glanced back to say, \u201cI need to tell Pa you\u2019re awake. I nearly had to toss him over my shoulder and carry him out\u2019a here for a rest. Doc Smith\u2019s sleepin\u2019 downstairs too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait!\u201d<\/p>\n

He wanted to keep walking, but the pain in Adam\u2019s voice made him turn around. \u201cPa\u2019ll be madder\u2019n a wet hen when he finds out I didn\u2019t come right away.\u201d Hoss knew this was true, yet he returned to his brother\u2019s side.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can live with that. What I can\u2019t abide is that he\u2019ll make things sound rosy when they\u2019re not. You won\u2019t do that if I ask you not to, so please\u2026tell me everything you know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard it all, but I\u2019m not sure I can tell you right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re stalling.\u201d Adam narrowed his eyes and gave Hoss his deadliest stare. \u201cTell me whatever you heard, and please don\u2019t hold anything back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAccordin\u2019 to Laura\u2026\u201d Hoss paused when he heard Adam\u2019s disapproving cluck. He wasn\u2019t sure what it meant, and he didn\u2019t ask. He needed to get through this quickly so he could get their father. \u201cShe said she\u2019d met Will in town, and got to talkin\u2019 about how you was never around. He took her out to where he thought you was so she could talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

The low, derisive chuckle returned. \u201cI wondered why they were together. Did she mention what she wanted to talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head. \u201cNary a word, but she said you turned when you heard the buggy, and toppled off the ladder, landin\u2019 purdy much flat on yer back. But you was still awake at first. Is that right as you remember it?\u201d<\/p>\n

A nod. \u201cI think my feet hit first, but then I fell backwards.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what the doc thought too, I mean about jammin\u2019 your legs upwards first. He thinks it\u2019s what saved you from breakin\u2019 yer back straight away, but you surely jarred every bone in yer spine doin\u2019 that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t think I broke my back?\u201d Adam asked with undisguised hope.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said yer spine looked sound, yet he can\u2019t guarantee that the stuff running inside those bones didn\u2019t sort of\u2026explode.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d The hope was gone; the panic returned.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat ain\u2019t fer sure. He poked at yer legs with a needle when I told him that you had moved them just a little when we came to get you, and doggone if yer muscles didn\u2019t sort\u2019a jump when that needle went in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid he say what that meant?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThing might be bruised \u2018stead of pulverized. It has ta heal to tell fer sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam released the breath he\u2019d been holding and gave thanks for possibilities. But as he allowed hope back in, he felt a new sensation that made him groan miserably. The sheet and nightshirt resting against his upper abdomen began to feel wet and warm. Another groan escaped even as he tried to hold back his reaction.<\/p>\n

Hoss was on his feet, bending over his brother. \u201cI gotta get the doc, he said he can give you somethin\u2019 fer pain once yer awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not pain.\u201d Adam\u2019s cheeks blazed crimson. \u201cI think I\u2019m wetting myself.\u201d He tried his best to grin. \u201cEverything\u2019s getting a little swampy in the places I can feel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t know this, but that\u2019s a very good thing,\u201d Hoss said enthusiastically. \u201cDoc Smith thought you might\u2019a hurt yer kidneys even worse\u2019n yer back. I\u2019ll help get ya sorted out and then wake Pa.\u201d Hoss pealed back the heavy quilt, and jerked back, letting the bedding fall from his hand. \u201cI\u2019m getting the doc, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

The patient\u2019s heart began pounding double-time, wondering what Hoss had seen to make his complexion turn as white as the sheet and bolt for the doctor. He inched himself onto his elbows enough to view the lower part of his torso. The sheet was not saturated with a golden liquid as he\u2019d assumed it would be. Everything was bright red with blood. Adam ripped the sheet away revealing the same crimson stain on his nightshirt. He was struggling to sit up more when severe pain ripped across his mid-back, causing him to drop to the mattress, gasping for what little breath he could pull in. Hoss\u2019 warning about other problems taking precedence, overwhelmed him as he tried to breathe and find a position to ease the raw pain causing spasms along the length of his back.<\/p>\n

Doc Smith was at a trot when he entered the room, dropping his bag on the chair Hoss had vacated before turning to the patient who was now in the throes of a medical crisis.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026can\u2019t\u2026breath!\u201d Adam hissed between shallow gulps of air. \u201cPlease!\u2026around my\u2026chest\u2026can\u2019t\u2026inhale.\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor grabbed a scissors from his bag, and made a slit in the nightshirt to get at the binding without removing the long, wet garment. He made quick work of cutting away the constricting bandage. The effect was instant, allowing the pale, panicked patient to claim a deep breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d As Adam\u2019s breathing became easier, he was able to control the fear that had sent him racing towards a cliff. \u201cWhat\u2019s happening?\u201d he asked in a manner that left no doubt as to wanting answers.<\/p>\n

Before the doctor could answer, Ben and Hoss charged through the door, nearly knocking the other over in their haste. Hoss noted the angry look sent his way by the patient, and returned the stare without flinching. \u201cPa had to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was able to squeeze between the doctor and the head of the bed and stroked Adam\u2019s hair. \u201cTake it easy, son. We\u2019ll get you cleaned up as soon as we find out what\u2019s happening.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t care about the mess. I do<\/em> need to know if I\u2019m dying, so I can I set a few things in order while there\u2019s time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Doc Smith exchanged a furtive glance with Ben before asking him to turn up the lamp, and directing Hoss to bring over the basin and washcloths. \u201cI\u2019m sorry to expose you, Adam,\u201d he said as he pulled the lower part of the wet garment loose and rolled it back. \u201cI\u2019ll be causing some pain for a few minutes while I examine you. But then I\u2019ll give you something for that, and explain everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

After doing a number of deep presses across Adam\u2019s pelvic area, he helped Ben remove the gown, and then placed a clean towel over the rest of the dirty linens before continuing the gentle palpations upwards on Adam\u2019s abdomen. He smiled towards his patient. \u201cThe good news is that your bladder emptied completely on its own, so I won\u2019t have to use instruments to accomplish that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam considered this information. \u201cAre you saying the blood isn\u2019t from a hemorrhage?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is plenty of blood, but it\u2019s well-diluted. That\u2019s good news amid the bad since it indicates that your kidneys are working, even though they\u2019re in distress. I\u2019m going to have Hoss roll you onto your side now.\u201d The pressing against Adam\u2019s flanks commenced once he was repositioned, and even gentle pressure induced moans. \u201cIs this painful?\u201d Smith said as he pressed harder.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d think my groaning indicated that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, you can ease him onto his back again,\u201d the doctor told Hoss, while ignoring the patient\u2019s remark. The palpations continued along Adam\u2019s ribcage. \u201cHow\u2019s that feel?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot good, but nowhere near as bad as my back,\u201d Adam admitted, before asking, \u201cSo\u2026the blood. Are my kidneys failing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s get you more comfortable first. I\u2019ll make some notes while your family does that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing had appeared during the exam, carrying fresh bedding, towels and a pitcher of warm water. He\u2019d heard Hoss come downstairs for the doctor, and instinctively knew there was trouble. The small man elbowed his way past the Cartwrights, telling them, \u201cI get this done lickety split.\u201d<\/p>\n

Two<\/strong><\/p>\n

Adam felt better with his personal order restored. He was uneasy, but a great weight had lifted when Dr. Smith allowed the chest binding to stay off after making him promise not to sit up or turn without assistance until his ribs healed.<\/p>\n

Adam attempted a grin that looked more like a grimace. \u201cSince you three no longer look like you\u2019re attending a wake, may I presume that I\u2019ve got a chance of recovering?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m encouraged by the fact that you\u2019re alert and things are working again.\u201d Doc Smith pulled a chair to the bed and sat next to his patient. \u201cI know you and Paul Martin have a close friendship, and you\u2019d probably be more comfortable if he was here. But he\u2019s out of town for a funeral. In his absence, there\u2019s no reason we<\/em> can\u2019t get on just as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam could finally smile. He\u2019d accepted a powder for his pain after being assured the effects would take several minutes to develop.\u00a0 \u201cThe reason Paul and I get along is because he\u2019s honest with me. If you\u2019ll agree to that, we will do fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s get started then.\u201d The doctor had sent Hoss and Ben to the far-side of the room to stop their hovering. \u201cYou fell a long distance onto rocky ground. There may have been a bumper of sorts if your feet hit first and your legs absorbed some of the shock, but you still impacted along the length of your back. You\u2019re fully aware of the three things affecting you most: cracked ribs, injured kidneys, and the loss of feeling in your legs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did notice that.\u201d The medicine was allowing him to feel more like himself, letting his dry sense of humor loose. \u201cHoss mentioned the paralysis might not be permanent?\u201d<\/p>\n

Smith reached into his bag, withdrawing a case containing thick needles. After pulling the covers down to expose Adam\u2019s legs, he said, \u201cTurn away now so you can\u2019t see what I\u2019m doing, and tell me when you feel something.\u201d<\/p>\n

After what seemed an interminable wait, Adam turned back. \u201cAre you going to start soon?\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor didn\u2019t try to sugar coat the news. \u201cYour brother mentioned that you could still move your legs a bit when they arrived to help after the fall, but there\u2019s now a total absence of sensation. The good news is that I did notice some muscular response to the probe, so I\u2019d assume the connections are there, but not working correctly. Think of it like a telegraph line that goes down without actually breaking. That wire might still send a weak signal, but it can\u2019t get past the damaged portion until it\u2019s rehung and straightened out. If your spinal cord was injured rather than destroyed, those lines can function again as the swelling goes down and the bruised tissue heals. I\u2019ll have your family care for you in the same way they did that young bronco rider who was tossed onto his tailbone. Much like with him, a lot of your recovery depends on you<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Adam\u2019s voice held a tinge of anger laced with fear.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must remain flat in bed for now and rest as much as you can. You also must allow others to help you, so you don\u2019t dislodge a broken rib or cause further injury to your spine and kidneys from twisting and straining. Frequent hot compresses to your back should speed the healing and ease the pain, and finally, your family will help to maintain and retrain the muscles in your legs through exercises.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you honestly think there\u2019s hope when, as you put it, there\u2019s a total absence of sensation?\u201d Adam\u2019s humor and anger were gone. This question now bore the tone of defeat.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere won\u2019t be if you approach it with that attitude. You\u2019re a strong man in every way. There are encouraging signs that this will resolve, but only if you stay positive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry. It\u2019s hard to see past a long recovery with a lot of fussing from my family. I am not a man who accepts that easily.\u201d He sunk his head deeper into the pillow.<\/p>\n

The seriousness of the conversation was broken as Hoss crossed his arms, and said, \u201cAin\u2019t that the truth!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was forced to grin at his brother\u2019s statement, but his eyes were getting heavier. He pushed against it to remain alert. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with my kidneys?\u201d<\/p>\n

That impact with the ground caused damage. Since they didn\u2019t seem to be working at first, I feared they\u2019d been destroyed.\u201d He took a deep breath. \u201cThink how a ripe tomato might fare if dropped from the second story between two boards.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam grimaced, and a groan from the side of the room indicated his father\u2019s horror at the description.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think they\u2019re damaged\u2026like a split tomato?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCertainly bruised, but since you produced a good amount of urine along with the blood, I believe they\u2019re working. Your family will monitor the situation. If the bleeding stops soon, you\u2019ll be in the clear. I want you to drink water and broth in amounts equal to what you expel to start. Once the blood clears you may consume as much liquid as you like. Wait on other foods until you\u2019re feeling stronger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben walked to the bedside. \u201cHow will we know when that is?\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor laid his hand on the worried man\u2019s arm. \u201cI\u2019ll stop by every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s body was no longer fighting to stay awake. Now he could feel his brain fighting to sleep, but there was something weighing on his mind. \u201cPa\u2026Hoss, could you leave the room for a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s wary look spoke to his unhappiness with the request, but he and Hoss complied.<\/p>\n

The old doctor laid a reassuring hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI\u2019m guessing you want to know about a few other things that aren\u2019t working now?\u201d<\/p>\n

A nod \u201cI couldn\u2019t feel that my bladder was full, or that it was emptying. If\u2026.\u201d His mouth had returned to arid dryness. \u201cIf my legs stay as they are, does that mean I\u2019ll never have control of \u2026 any of those functions?\u201d<\/p>\n

Smith placed his tools inside his bag before answering. \u201cYou\u2019re getting ahead of yourself. I saw you trying to sit up when I came in the room. You have far more control of your lower torso than you realize right now, and that will get better as your ribs heal. If the paralysis remains\u2014and note that I said, if\u2014I believe it would affect only your legs. Your bladder may not have felt full, but it\u2019s working on its own, so I\u2019m predicting control of those functions will return quickly as you rest.\u201d He took a long breath. \u201cHowever, Mr. Cartwright, your inability to accept and follow the restrictions your doctors prescribe when you\u2019re ill or injured, is well-documented among the medical men in this area. It is vital you do exactly what I\u2019ve prescribed. If you are too stubborn or too unwilling to ask for help\u2026or you refuse to accept your limitations and push too hard, you might ensure a poor outcome. Rest is paramount. Take the powders; sleep, and let your body heal.\u201d<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t the answers he\u2019d hoped to hear, but he gave Doc Smith credit for laying down the law like Paul would have. He spoke a groggy, \u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBefore my legs get better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, but I\u2019d expect the damage to heal in a week or two, and that should allow your nerves to work again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s, \u201cThank you,\u201d was little more than a whisper as he allowed himself to follow the doctor\u2019s advice, and drifted off.<\/p>\n

Three<\/strong><\/p>\n

The clink of glassware nearby was Adam\u2019s first signal of being awake again. He hadn\u2019t seen Little Joe earlier, and suspected he might be the duty nurse now. Not nursing<\/em>, he thought as he grimaced. More like babysitting<\/em> since he\u2019ll be changing my diapers<\/em>. The full weight of his thought hit like a fist to his aching back, and the pace of his breathing became ragged and uneven. This time there was no resistance from the bandages and he relaxed quickly.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you awake, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

His heart rate bolted again. That\u2019s not Little Joe.<\/em> He recognized the voice, and for a moment, he contemplated feigning sleep. He smelled her perfume as she approached the bed, and finally opened his eyes. \u201cLaura.\u201d His voice held no joy in seeing her. \u201cWhy are you here?\u201d Her saw her eye widened at his unappreciative greeting, just as they always did when she was feeling offended\u2026but hiding it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy wouldn\u2019t I be here, Adam? I\u2019m your fianc\u00e9.\u201d The response was cheerfully forced.<\/p>\n

How interesting that she gave that as a reason \u2026 not that she loves me or is worried, but that she\u2019s attached to me through a contract of sorts.<\/em> \u201cYou should be home with Peggy. There\u2019s not much you can do for me as I am.\u201d He kept his tone even although he was shouting at her in his mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re such a silly man sometimes. Of course, I can help, so I\u2019ve moved in here with Peggy until you\u2019re better.\u201d<\/p>\n

She\u2019s using the same sing-song, wheedling voice on me that she uses on Peggy when she wants to get her to cooperate<\/em>. He meant his groan to be silent, but it slipped out.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you in pain?\u201d<\/p>\n

He could tell the question was sincere, yet the accompanying look spoke to her wishing she was anywhere but here. \u201cListen, Laura. I appreciate the intent, but what\u2019s happening to me is so\u2026\u201d Personal<\/em>. He\u2019d asked this woman to marry him, but they\u2019d never shared a truly personal moment. They\u2019d argued over everything from telling Peggy about her father to how best to run the ranch. But other than the confession she\u2019d made about her guilt in praying that her former husband would die for humiliating her, there\u2019d never been a time of real honesty in their conversations. There\u2019d been a few deep kisses after dinner when Peggy was asleep, but nothing more physically intimate either.<\/p>\n

The truth was that most of their conversations centered around his apologies for offering an opinion or suggestion. He didn\u2019t want it to be that way, but Laura didn\u2019t make decisions unless she was forced. It proved a convenient tactic, because then she had someone else to blame when she didn\u2019t like the path or outcome. How did we get to this point<\/em>, he chided himself silently. I can\u2019t marry a rag doll that can\u2019t maintain a position because they have no internal strength. <\/em><\/p>\n

Knowing how Laura dealt with things, he suspected her decision to stay at the house was pushed by something other than her desire to care for her fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n

\u201cFinish what you were saying,\u201d she finally told him after he failed to complete his sentence.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have to stay. It wasn\u2019t your fault that I fell, so there\u2019s no penance due. My family can manage.\u201d<\/p>\n

The singsong voice returned. \u201cYou\u2019re being silly again. This is my place now. Your father said that he and your brothers will take care of your private needs, so you needn\u2019t worry about that.\u201d The pitch of her voice rose along with color in her cheeks. \u201cI\u2019ll make sure you\u2019re comfortable; help with your meals \u2026 maybe read to you if you\u2019re not sleepy, and keep your spirits high until you\u2019re up and around.\u201d<\/p>\n

Should I tell her that her voice sears my eardrums like a hot poker being thrust into them, so I\u2019ll hardly be happy with her chattering at me. Or that I made a huge mistake in proposing, and that she made an even bigger one in accepting. As ugly as this situation is for me, it\u2019s our means of escape. <\/em>His thoughts didn\u2019t find their way to his lips, but his sarcasm had survived the fall. \u201cIs it more likely that you\u2019re here because the biddies in town would think it ill-mannered for you to be home tending to your chores instead of being my babysitter?\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura\u2019s cheeks pinked further as she frowned. \u201cI do care what others think of me, but I care more about you<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded. \u201cThe truth, Laura, is that the top half of my body is working fine. I can feed myself, read by myself, and once I\u2019m given the go-ahead to sit in a chair, I can find other things to do that will pass the time. The further truth is that the rest of me is non-functioning. Life with me would be a continuous series of diaper changes, and I don\u2019t mean for our children, because there won\u2019t be any.\u201d<\/p>\n

His anger had hold of his tongue and wasn\u2019t pulling on the reins any time soon. \u201cWhat\u2019s it been now, a day or two since I fell?\u201d He didn\u2019t wait for an answer. \u201cNews of what\u2019s happened has surely reached town, along with the gory details that Adam Cartwright is now an invalid who will spend the rest of his life in a bed or chair. There\u2019ll be great sympathy extended to the young fianc\u00e9 who will be seen as far too beautiful to go through life with me as I am. No one will blame you for wanting more.\u201d He tried to stop, but all his fears and insecurity needed an outlet. \u201cThere will be whispering about how you had to give up a fortune to walk away, but the gossip won\u2019t last \u2026 because …\u201d He laughed loudly. \u201cBecause most people don\u2019t understand why you accepted my proposal in the first place.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam knew Laura\u2019s look. She was close to exploding, yet he knew she wouldn\u2019t. Is she upset with what I said because it\u2019s rude\u2026or because it\u2019s true? I wish she\u2019d just yell at me; tell me what she\u2019s feeling and talk it out so we could be done with this. <\/em>He waited for her to respond as her eyes pooled and her bottom lip quivered. C\u2019mon, Laura, neither one of us loves the other.<\/em><\/p>\n

Without intending to, his mind moved again to another woman who always spoke her mind, and let the air clear. Melinda would let me have it now \u2026 with both barrels. But you won\u2019t. You\u2019ll stick it all in your heart and let it fester there until you\u2019re sick with it and praying for my death.<\/em><\/p>\n

She finally found her voice. \u201cYou\u2019re in pain right now, Adam, but that\u2019s no excuse to be cruel. It is apparent that you need more rest, so I\u2019ll come back later. Would you like a drink of water before I leave?\u201d<\/p>\n

A long, even sigh deflated him as he pulled the covers up under his chin. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I upset you, but think about what I said. We couldn\u2019t even agree on a date for our wedding. I was putting it off to finish the house, or at least that\u2019s what I thought. But after you were unwilling to move forward the other day, I began to suspect that building a place to live was my way of extending the time before we\u2019d actually have to live there. I can\u2019t explain your <\/em>unwillingness to go forward, but it was more than me missing a party or falling asleep after a long day. Face it, something in your heart is telling you to stop before we make this worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t the time to make big decisions. Let\u2019s tell people we\u2019re putting the wedding on hold until you recover. I\u2019ll be here anyway, so we\u2019ll have time to talk and figure out what to do She busied herself straightening the bedside table, and finished by giving him a peck on the cheek. \u201cIs there anything you\u2019d like before I go?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease ask Pa to come up. I\u2019d like a dose of that medicine.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura closed the door quietly behind her without a look back. \u201cTalk it out? Ha!\u201d Adam mumbled to himself. \u201cI\u2019ve known you long enough to know that you never talk anything out.\u201d <\/em>He retreated to thoughts instead of speaking further. She\u2019ll keep her feelings festering inside until it comes out in anger and disgust.<\/em> Adam rolled his head against the pillow as a realization hit. I\u2019m just as much to blame this time. Why didn\u2019t I just end this the other day when her reluctance gave us the chance to walk away! She would have been relieved; I could have been the villain, and it would have been over. <\/em>He pounded his fists on his lifeless legs. One moment of honesty that day would have prevented this!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ben arrived within minutes carrying a water glass containing the dissolved powder. He could see the tormented look on his son\u2019s face as soon as he entered. \u201cI was hoping you\u2019d be feeling better, but it appears you\u2019re in a lot of pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe pain in my body is \u2026\u201d He had to think about it. His unhappiness at Laura\u2019s presence, had kept him from considering his physical pain. \u201cI\u2019m achy,\u201d he finally added, \u201cI mostly wanted to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s on your mind?\u201d Ben grinned. \u201cYou\u2019ve got that granite look in your eyes that accompanies a lot of thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam grinned back. \u201cI forget how well you know me.\u201d A sigh. \u201cI want Laura to go home. I\u2019ve already told her to, but she won\u2019t listen to reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMost men want the woman they love close by when they\u2019re unwell.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not unwell, Pa. I\u2019m paralyzed. And honestly, things weren\u2019t going well between us before the fall, and that makes it feel even worse to have her here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben pulled a chair over. \u201cYou missed your engagement party, and were so busy building the house that you and Laura drifted a bit. There\u2019s time now to sort things out and get back on track. She feels strongly that this is where she should be, and I agree. I\u2019ll make sure she does no care that makes you uncomfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be comfortable once she\u2019s gone. I can\u2019t promise to be cheery, and she won\u2019t handle my dark moods well, so I\u2019ll always be apologizing or swallowing my feelings. I\u2019m not sure I can do that right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s give this a few days, and if you feel the same, I\u2019ll suggest that she needs to provide a more normal life for Peggy while you continue to convalesce.\u201d He smiled gently. \u201cThis may seem the least likely time for a romance to blossom again, but you might be surprised.\u201d He didn\u2019t give Adam a chance to respond, as he quickly slipped his arm behind his son\u2019s back to help him sit up. \u201cYou have to finish this to get a full dose.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam did as he was told, swallowing the bitter mixture in a few gulps. There was an additional bitter pill to swallow as he realized his father wouldn\u2019t be moved to act on his behalf with the overly perky blonde. But a different type of question moved forward for attention, bringing with it a whole new sense of uneasiness. \u201cAre my kidneys still working, Pa? I don\u2019t recall having anything changed out since earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben folded back the covers. \u201cYou can\u2019t sense it being there, but there\u2019s a receptacle in place. It\u2019ll keep you comfortable and help us measure how well your kidneys are working. I\u2019m glad you mentioned it; I should check.\u201d<\/p>\n

He could hear the sound of liquid being emptied into the porcelain chamber pot, and his cheeks blazed with the reality of his helplessness. The doctor had confronted his inability to accept medical restrictions without a fight, but it was things like this that had shrunk his soul and created the hardheaded reactions of the past. His curiosity finally won out over his humiliation. \u201cHow much blood this time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHardly any!\u201d Ben breathed in relief. \u201cAre you getting sleepy again?\u201d he asked while pulling up the covers. His answer was a breathy snore.<\/p>\n

Four (Some Weeks later)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s kidneys, ribs and bruises healed without problems, and some functions had returned, as Dr. Smith had predicted. But the weeks of recovery had moved well-past the timeframe suggested with no sign of returning sensations in his legs. Ranch life outside the oldest son\u2019s room had returned to a normal flow, meaning the three fully functioning Cartwrights had also returned to their duties.<\/p>\n

Adam was spending his days in a chair either in his room, or downstairs when there was someone to carry him down. The initial response to being up again had brought interest in taking on some new activities to keep his hours occupied. As this happened, Ben had felt more comfortable in increasing his own workload then, and therefore, contact with his eldest had become limited to the hour they spent together during the exercises, and a short visit each morning and evening. Since Adam professed to be \u201cfine\u201d during these conversations, Ben was quick to tell others who inquired after his son that he was doing wonderfully.<\/p>\n

He was dead wrong.<\/p>\n

The eldest Cartwright son was aware of the pained, fearful, and sometimes, disgusted looks his father tried to hide each day when there was no improvement or resistance developing in the flaccid leg muscles he put through the range of exercises.<\/p>\n

Deep in his heart, Adam knew the barely controlled sighs and clenched jaw of his caregivers weren\u2019t meant to be seen by him: weren\u2019t meant to hurt him either. But he saw and heard them all the same. He also heard his feet drag on the floor when he had to be moved any distance, and if it wasn\u2019t for Hoss hoisting and holding him in an upright position, he\u2019d fall like a pile of cooked noodles.\u00a0 Each sigh; each impatient huff as others had to be his legs, revealed their increasing frustration. And what he heard in those reactions, was an unspoken, \u201cMaybe if you\u2019d try a little harder.\u201d<\/p>\n

To make up for being unable to give his father any hope where his body was concerned, Adam kept a smile plastered on his face when Ben was around. At first he\u2019d made comments indicating he still expected a full recovery, but as time dragged on, he now professed that he\u2019d make the best use of his life no matter the outcome.<\/p>\n

His act helped his family feel more at ease around him, and his bitter, silent mantra became, No one likes helping a sullen patient.<\/em> At times he even grumbled wryly during their caregiving to seem more like his grumpy self, but he never let them see that his soul was sinking away into a dark pit where hope\u2019s light no longer penetrated.<\/p>\n

There was a further weight drawing in on his heart and mind. Laura\u2019s initial promise to \u201ctalk things out\u201d with him, was as non-existent as the feeling in his legs. Their relationship was stagnant and futile, yet they had also come to an unspoken agreement that this was to be kept private. When family or visitors were nearby, they prattled on about being in training for their upcoming marriage, and put on a convincing enough performance that everyone beamed over their teasing banter.<\/p>\n

The truth no one dared consider, was that Adam Cartwright was playing a role for his audience.<\/p>\n

From the outside, Adam was \u201crecovering.\u201d On the inside, his heart and mind were in a constant state of clenching. He\u2019d given up control of his life and emotions to make his care palatable to others. He was tired of the games. He was tired of pretending it didn\u2019t bother him to see his caregivers \u201ctry\u201d to mask their disgust at the sights and smells they dealt with because of his dysfunctional body. And increasingly, he was tired of living.<\/p>\n

There was only one bright spot to the Daytons being in residence: Peggy. Her visits were a breath of fresh air because she was the only one who didn\u2019t tread softly. She often asked about when he would be back to normal again. He was honest with her about not knowing when \u2026 or if, and she was fine with that. They played cutthroat games of checkers and cards, and talked about everything from school to how dogs get fleas. Those infrequent times with Peggy were far more healing than anything the doctor had ordered.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d made an honest effort to be useful when he\u2019d finally been allowed to sit up, by asking Little Joe to speak to Elliot Jones, an engineer in town he\u2019d work with in the past. \u00a0With new buildings going up as the silver industry brought new people and business to Virginia City, Jones had been thankful to send several plans and specs out for Adam to complete. Hoss had built a special table to fit over the chair, allowing for a comfortable work surface, and the calculations had diverted his mind \u2026 at first. As the days turned into weeks of this \u201cnew normal\u201d without any improvement, those plans he\u2019d worked on, had become a nagging reminder that he would never again be able to go out and measure a plot of ground, or see the rough sites without being carried. He\u2019d sent back the completed work a few days ago without asking for more.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

This particular morning was passing slowly as Adam remained in bed. Hop Sing had brought up fresh water so he could wash, and assisted him in getting dressed, but he had to wait for his father or Laura to help with his exercises before being moved to a chair. A glance at the clock reinforced what he was feeling: it was later than usual. \u00a0He felt like shouting for attention, but he also knew that his care was a burden: something his family had to work into an already full day. When the mornings stretched out like this, he always feared that Laura would finish her tasks before his father finished his, and she\u2019d do the therapy. He groaned inwardly when the door opened and he smelled her perfume enter the room ahead of her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you\u2019ve been waiting patiently,\u201d she chirped.<\/p>\n

The tone of her voice grated against his clenched teeth. Why does she continue to talk to me like I\u2019m a three-year-old? <\/em>His thoughts weren\u2019t reflected in his actual statement. \u201cI figured you were all busy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLay flat now, so I can do your stretches.\u201d He did as ordered, and held his breath as she worked his ankle and moved on to his knee. The only way he could get through this, was to talk about other things. \u201cYou\u2019ve been here a good while, Laura. I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve been self-centered and never thought to ask about who\u2019s taking care of your ranch while you\u2019re away?\u201d His question was innocent, so her red-cheeked reaction seemed odd.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill rides over each morning to check on the house and that the work is getting done. He says the men are doing well.\u201d She began bending his knee and hip. \u201cIn fact, I was late coming up because I was speaking to him before he left.\u201d<\/p>\n

He wanted to ask why speaking of Will made her blush, but said, \u201cI\u2019m glad he\u2019s able to help, and that he brings good news.\u201d The conversation brought a thought to mind. \u201cOn the day I fell, you said you and Will hadn\u2019t been checking on me, but you didn\u2019t say why you two ended up out there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her voice rose to a new high pitch. \u201cI know I told you I wasn\u2019t feeling well that morning, but the headache passed, and I decided to go to church anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

You\u2019re blinking too much, and won\u2019t look at me,<\/em> Laura<\/em>, he thought while observing her facial contortions. But why would you lie about church?<\/em> He realized she was speaking again, and paid attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cI stopped at the Ponderosa, but you were gone and I headed into town, where I happened to see Will. He said he was planning to leave for San Francisco, so I thanked him again for his help while you were away, and after that I, um, mentioned that you\u2019d been so busy lately I\u2019d hardly seen you.\u201d The blush brightened. \u201cAnd then, um, he said he might know where you were spending your time. We, ah, um, drove there out of curiosity, never expecting that things would end up as they did.\u201d<\/p>\n

He pushed himself into a sitting position, to look directly at her. \u201cI need you to be honest, for both our sakes. You came out there to tell me something. Something that couldn\u2019t wait, and now you\u2019re stumbling over the explanation of how you got there, leading me to believe there\u2019s a lot you\u2019re editing as you speak. Further, I have freely admitted that the fall was entirely my fault, yet you\u2019ve stationed yourself in this house, playing the role of loving caregiver. This makes me believe that you do feel responsible: not for the actual fall, but for the reason behind why you out there in the first place. You come into my room, exuding forced cheerfulness to perform your penance while never looking at me.\u201d He took her hand. \u201cIt\u2019s time to be honest, Laura. I know you don\u2019t love me.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pushed on his shoulders with her free hand. \u201cLay back down so I can finish. I want to go into town today.\u201d When he complied, she began rotating his other ankle. Her hand slipped as she tried to grasp his calf, and his leg dropped solidly to the bed. As she raised it again, she shot him a hateful look. \u201cWhy can\u2019t you help a little, Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp?\u201d He groaned. \u201cIf I could help, I\u2019d be up on my feet and out that door.\u201d The groan became a laugh. \u201cYou\u2019ve managed to dodge my question. Please, Laura! You\u2019re sick to death of being here, so let\u2019s end this.\u201d<\/p>\n

She dropped his leg again, and stepped back, looking stunned.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right to Leave, Laura,\u201d he said evenly, as his face softened to a gentle smile. \u201cTake your life back from whatever guilt is making you stay. You\u2019re stronger than when I first got to know you, and you should do whatever you really want in life. You deserve that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know I can\u2019t leave.\u201d The childlike voice was finally gone, and her look was as sharp as a dagger.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just made it clear that I don\u2019t need or want you here. All I can figure is that you\u2019re staying so the others don\u2019t think less of you.\u201d Adam drew a sharp breath. \u201cDoesn\u2019t it matter what I think? Go! I\u2019ll set the gossips straight, even if I have to take out an ad in the paper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura stepped further from the bed, placing her hands on her hips. \u201cI may not love you, Adam, but I can tell you this; right now, I hate you!\u201d<\/p>\n

He was saying, \u201cFinally, some honesty!\u201d as the door slammed shut behind her.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

After the \u201cdisagreement,\u201d Laura told Ben that doing Adam\u2019s exercises was too wearing on her shoulders, Hoss became the replacement. The fact that the exercise regime was futile brought no comfort, but Adam found great relief in knowing a major irritant would be missing in such sessions.<\/p>\n

Five (A few days later)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hoss wasn\u2019t gentle as he gave Adam\u2019s joints a solid workout. \u201cYou ain\u2019t feelin\u2019 nothin\u2019 yet?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI imagine yer pretty sick of bein\u2019 stuck inside too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m thankful that you and Joe can take me downstairs on the days when you\u2019re both here, but you\u2019re right; I miss the fresh air.\u201d He grinned. \u201cI even miss the smell of manure, unless the wind is blowing from the south. Then it comes through the open window\u201d<\/p>\n

The middle brother\u2019s blue eyes twinkled. \u201cThen you might be pleased as pie to see what me and Joe done put together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah? What\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a surprise. We\u2019ll show you later.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

The two younger brothers helped Adam downstairs later that morning, and showed him the wheelchair they\u2019d adapted to be used outside. Although acting pleased, Adam\u2019s blood ran cold as he looked at the wooden cell he\u2019d be confined to for his life sentence. Would he sit in that chair, growing angrier and more jaded each day until he became another Tom Edwards: a man so dark and twisted, that no one could stand him.<\/p>\n

As much as the chair made his insides turn, he did see the positive aspect of having mobility. As usual, Laura was very encouraging\u2014in front of his family and Dr. Smith\u2014and he played his part as well, continuing the charade that their engagement was simply on hold. They were such fine actors that his family either truly believed it, or pretended to believe it so they wouldn\u2019t have to face any uncomfortable truths.<\/p>\n

One recent night when he\u2019d let his thoughts run cold and dark, he\u2019d concluded that his family was probably rooting for the marriage to happen so he\u2019d be Laura\u2019s problem instead of theirs.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

His first day outside since the fall should have left him tired enough to fall asleep instantly. But after being placed in bed that night, he imagined how his life would be spent rolling within the confines of areas where his wheels could function. It sent him spiraling towards despair. There was no feeling returning to his legs\u2014not so much as a twinge or a buzz, and without this, he\u2019d never again sit on Sport\u2019s back and ride the wind. Even buggy rides would be difficult, requiring someone to lift him up and down from the rig. Pebbles or soft ground would thwart efforts to get around on his own, and he would never again climb a stairway or walk down the banks of a river to drop a line into the water. Simple things he\u2019d always taken for granted were being stripped from his life, and when he looked towards the future, he saw nothing but darkness.<\/p>\n

His family wouldn\u2019t let him voice his fears, to the point where if he\u2019d even mention the thought of never being out on the open range or working cattle, they\u2019d quickly remind him that he was an engineer, and would find satisfying work despite a physical limitation. He\u2019d been careful not to bring things up in front of them as his paralysis lingered, but here, in the dark quiet, he\u2019d mourn his loss of all that he loved. Trips to San Francisco or even just to town for a beer at the Bucket of Blood with his brothers were unreachable. He envisioned the piteous looks he\u2019d receive anytime he might need to go to town. With the multi-leveled boardwalks and rutted streets, a wheelchair would be unusable, so the fine townspeople would avert their eyes as his brothers carried him from place-to-place like a sack of flour.<\/p>\n

Thoughts of his uselessness swam in his mind: thick, like a school of minnows occluding his ability to see anything deeper in the water. \u00a0He was a millstone in a family where everyone was expected to pull their weight. Even today as he\u2019d tried the chair, he\u2019d noted that the ranch hands nearby had either looked away or stared open mouthed at witnessing his future. His aching spirit spoke to him, saying that his family would also need to look away as time went on.<\/p>\n

He grit his teeth to stop the anguish forming at the back of his throat, and swallowed his pain as he retreated into himself, trying to cease all thoughts. Sleep finally came from exhaustion, but his dreams were fitful, and actual rest was just beyond his grasp: just as it had been for weeks.<\/p>\n

It may have been ten minutes or four hours when he roused again. There was no way to gage time without seeing a clock or hearing the chimes from downstairs. The complete silence in the house indicated it was deep night.<\/p>\n

He shook his head as he reached next to the bed to grab the urinal left there for his use during the night. His kidneys had recovered quickly, but Dr. Smith had prescribed that he keep his fluid intake high to keep them flushed. It certainly seemed to keep things in working order, but what went in, had to come out.<\/p>\n

The grogginess caused by unrestful sleep remained, making him misjudge the distance to the floor as he set the receptacle back down. It dropped the remaining inches, clanging as it hit the floor, and toppled. He cursed a streak of oaths as he stretched his upper body over the side of the bed to see how bad a mess he\u2019d made. The lamp illuminated the puddle that had found a small channel in the wood flooring and was moving steadily towards the door.<\/p>\n

His wash stand was positioned just beyond the bedside table, and he stretched out, trying to retrieve the towel on the drying rack. The daily exercises on his legs weren\u2019t having any effect, but his back and arms had grown stronger in helping to move and support himself. His reach for the towel was still a few inches short, so he quickly pulled his hips to the edge of the mattress, and tried the grab from his new vantage point.<\/p>\n

Relief flooded over him as his fingers touched the fabric, but as he extended to cover the last inch, he once again upset the laws of physics governing objects in motion. He\u2019d moved his upper body too far to the side of the mattress to stay put once his center of gravity pulled his upper body over the side of the bed. There was no way to stop the momentum, and he flipped onto the floor with a solid thud: his head wedged between the bed and the night stand, and his legs in a twisted knot.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019s bedroom was next to Adam\u2019s, so his arrival was expected. What Adam didn\u2019t expect was that the big man entered, saw the situation, and immediately closed the door behind him.<\/p>\n

He rushed over, and spoke in a hushed voice. \u201cYou all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think so.\u201d<\/p>\n

After he straightened Adam\u2019s legs, he helped him sit up. \u201cAnything hurtin\u2019 more than normal? I gotta get Pa if there is, but if yer fine, I\u2019ll just get you back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Hoss. Did it sound like anyone else woke up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. It\u2019s all quiet. I figgered you\u2019d just dropped something when I heard that clunk, but I also decided to check.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was trying to reach the towel to clean up the mess I made. Hoss \u2026 I\u2019m so sorry. I can\u2019t \u2026.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice trailed off. His utter humiliation caused his cheeks to blaze and he struggled to shield his brother from knowing the hopelessness that had severed one more connection to his will to go on.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Brother. Can\u2019t say what I\u2019d do if this was happenin\u2019 to me. But rest yer mind on knowin\u2019 that I ain\u2019t never gonna mind helpin\u2019 you, so let\u2019s get this done quick and quiet as possible.\u201d His lips pursed as he paused. \u201cYou sure you ain\u2019t hurt some? You were twisted around pretty bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head slowly. \u201cMy back all right, and I wouldn\u2019t feel anything further down. I didn\u2019t so much fall out of bad as much as do a slow roll, so I doubt there\u2019s any real damage. Do you see anything on my legs that shouldn\u2019t be there?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss took a long look using the lamp. \u201cNot so\u2019s I can see. Might come later, and you\u2019ll still have to fess up, but I won\u2019t say nothin\u2019 less that happens.\u201d<\/p>\n

When the middle brother suggested he go down for warm water to wash up, Adam laughed sourly. \u201cI don\u2019t think anything I need to clean up is gonna object to the temperature of the water.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two men planned their best course of action, but just as Hoss was beginning to remove Adam\u2019s nightshirt, the door opened and Laura rushed in. Both brothers stopped moving and watched the young woman\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI woke up and heard talking in here. What hap\u2026\u201d Her words were cut short as she realized that her bare feet were becoming wet, and her hands flew to her mouth as she stepped aside, silencing her groan.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s voice was even, but deadly. \u201cJust figure it out, Laura. I fell out of bed trying to clean up the mess I made when I dropped that damnable urinal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura was mute. Only her wide eyes and open mouth showed her revulsion.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook at me, Laura! This is what my life will be like. I\u2019m only half alive. Go get cleaned up, and get back to bed. Pack your things in the morning; take Peggy and go have the life you deserve. Your punishment for whatever crime you think you\u2019ve committed has been commuted to time already served.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Adam,\u201d was all she could muster, while frowning down at her wet feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cGet\u2026out\u2026of\u2026here.\u201d He growled. \u201cI know I disgust you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know why you say such mean things.\u201d She backed towards the door, and said, \u201cI\u2019ll go now, but I\u2019ll pray for you, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s response was a quiet laugh\u2014deep, dry and low. \u201cYou gonna pray for me like you did for Frank? Maybe a gracious God will let me die too, so you\u2019ll be free again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss heard Laura catch her breath, before slipping out the door. It bothered him to see how upset she was, and he yanked the nightshirt up and off Adam\u2019s head, hard enough to make his head snap.<\/p>\n

\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have said that in front of you, Hoss.\u201d He reached up. \u201cGive me a boost to the dry floor, and hand me the basin. I\u2019ll wash up while you clean up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry I nearly took yer ears off,\u201d Hoss said sheepishly.\u201c He looked around. \u201cI\u2019ll head down and get some rags and a bucket.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

By the time Hoss returned, Adam was already in the black shirt he\u2019d managed to tug from the nearby chair, and had his slacks pulled onto his legs. \u201cAin\u2019t you goin\u2019 back to bed?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t sleeping well, so I\u2019d rather sit up. I\u2019ll read and put my head back if I get drowsy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 natural strength and height made quick work of transferring Adam from the floor into the chair. \u00a0He was the family member who usually did this, and the two brothers had worked out the most efficient method. Once his charge was safely deposited in the chair, Hoss finished removing any evidence of the accident. \u201cWhat\u2019ll you tell Pa about being up and dressed when he comes in later?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about I tell him that you stopped during the night and I asked for the help since I couldn\u2019t sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, we tell the truth, without telling him the whole truth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds about right.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss puckered his cheeks in thought. \u201cCan I ask somethin\u2019 personal?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAsk away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat thing you said to Laura. Were you sayin\u2019 that she prayed for Frank Dayton to die?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease forget I said anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYer sayin\u2019 that\u2019s what she did, without actually sayin\u2019 it.\u201d The puzzled look continued. \u201cFrank treated her bad. Not so\u2019s he harmed her, but everyone knew he was a rake who cheated on her. But you\u2019d never do that to her, so she wouldn\u2019t have no reason to pray against you<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn for a penny; in for a pound,\u201d Adam said under his breath, and considered his options. I should have kept my mouth shut. If I don\u2019t tell Hoss what\u2019s going on now, he\u2019ll keep poking at this until he lets it slip to Pa<\/em>. He sighed as he came to a decision. \u201cLaura doesn\u2019t love me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 eyes popped open wide as he sat on the bed to be at eye level. \u201cHow long have you known that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think she ever did. It\u2019s the same for me. We let circumstances and others push us into an engagement that had no foundation. I wanted a family. She wanted \u2026 security, but we were never honest in how we felt about marrying each other to achieve those things.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI admit I wondered about the two\u2019a you bein\u2019 a good match, but I also didn\u2019t think I had the right to say nothin. It ain\u2019t like I been a big success in the area of romance.\u201d He grinned at Adam. \u201cSo why are you too talkin\u2019<\/em> like the wedding is still on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause she refuses to admit we made a mistake. I knew it was over the day I got back from Sacramento. She was distant, and instead of saying what was truly bothering her, she came up with excuses. She came out to tell me something on the day I fell, and I believe it was to say she didn\u2019t want to go through with it. Now she feels too guilty about the accident to walk away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas that the first you<\/em> knew you didn\u2019t want to go through with it\u2026I mean when she seemed nervous?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething happened in Sacramento that made me take a long, hard look at what I was planning, and I was finally honest with myself that it was all wrong. I know Laura feels the same way, but she has a hard time saying what\u2019s on her mind. I decided to give her time to figure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 cheek rose. \u201cWould you have gone through with it if she hadn\u2019t seemed unwillin\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. It would have compounded the mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you two tell us the truth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve already talked to Pa about this, and he believes that my recovery is based on having something to look forward to\u2014a happy life and family. I\u2019ve been rude, crude and uncivil to Laura, and yet she stays. I don\u2019t know what else to do, so I play along \u2026 in front of Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded but remained silent. He knew his brother had needed to say this out loud. \u201cYer in a pickle, and there\u2019s no advice I can give that will make this better. But I\u2019ll stick up fer you when you decide to set it straight.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re like your mother, Hoss. She always just listened, and then let me figure things out on my own.\u201d He blew out a long breath. \u201cI don\u2019t want to hurt Laura or Pa, so there\u2019s only one way out of this.\u201d<\/p>\n

The big man nodded. \u201cIt\u2019ll get solved once you can walk again. Then she can go without feelin\u2019 bad, and you can get on with whatever you figured out in Sacramento.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cI appreciate that sentiment, but we both know that\u2019s not going to happen. My body is healed as much as it can. I\u2019ve done everything the doctor suggested, and this time there\u2019s no miracle.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t give up, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam leaned back in the chair, allowing his mind to slip into the dark shadows that were shrouding him. I already have<\/em>, raced through his mind even though he said, \u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d He smiled as an idea came to mind. \u201cI might not be tired, but you are. Get back to bed for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNeed anything else?\u201d Hoss asked after setting the special table in front of his brother and loading it with books and a tablet.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is one thing. I\u2019d like to do something with my hands to snap me out of the doldrums. How about you grab the oil and brushes from the gun cabinet, and bring up a couple rifles and my pistol. I\u2019ll clean them now, and if the weather\u2019s good tomorrow, I\u2019ll go outside in your contraption and shoot at cans. I\u2019m curious to know how much my aim has to be adjusted from a sitting position.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Hoss was bent over, grabbing the wooden box with the gun-cleaning supplies stored in the cabinet under the rifles, when he heard footsteps behind him. He shot upright and turned to find Laura coming towards him from the kitchen. They exchanged an awkward smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam wants somethin\u2019 to do instead of readin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nodded. \u201cA change of pace will be nice. After what happened earlier, I suppose he\u2019s wide awake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what he said.\u201d He reached back down to grab the kit and set it on the bottom step, and returned to choose the rifles most in need of attention.<\/p>\n

Laura didn\u2019t move, and finally sighed. \u201cI came down for a glass of water, but I\u2019m glad we can talk a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss looked back at his early morning companion. \u201cWhy\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must have wondered why Adam said that to me about Frank, and I want to explain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t need to explain nothin\u2019 to me, Miss Laura. Adam said he regretted sayin\u2019 it, and I already put it out of my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Hoss. Still\u2026I want you to know that I was so unhappy being married to Frank, I did things I\u2019m ashamed to admit. I would never have prayed for anything like that if I hadn\u2019t been very unsettled and confused.\u201d The soft line of her smile dissolved into a cold, hard line, while her eyes flashed angrily. \u201cI trusted Adam in telling him that, and it was cruel of him to throw it in my face tonight. I can\u2019t understand why he\u2019d do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss took two steps forward until Laura had to look up at him. \u201cMa\u2019am, you just asked me to understand why you did somethin\u2019 that seems pretty cruel too. I\u2019d think since you done gone through a time where you was \u2026 unsettled and confused \u2026 you\u2019d understand how my brother might be going through something even worse than that about now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura looked away, muttered a hasty, \u201cGoodnight,\u201d and nearly pushed Hoss out of the way to get up the steps.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

She waited at her bedroom door until she heard Hoss\u2019 footsteps moving from Adam\u2019s room, before quietly slipping out. She knocked softly, then opened the door wide enough to get inside and shut it quickly behind her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t like the way I acted when I was here before, Adam,\u201d she told the surprised occupant. \u201cAnd I wanted to apologize,\u201d she continued as she walked towards him.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no need for apology,\u201d he said sincerely. \u201cIt was a shock to see what I\u2019ve become.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t say that. You\u2019ll start walking any day now, and things will be normal again.\u201d<\/p>\n

He chuckled. \u201cNothing will ever be \u2026 normal \u2026 again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her face twisted into a grimace and her tone hardened. \u201cYou have to get better.\u201d Laura turned away from him and wiped her eyes. \u201cYou just have to \u2026\u201d Her voice trailed off.<\/p>\n

His tone was kind. \u201cI\u2019ve told you with all sincerity that it\u2019s fine for you to walk away. What\u2019s happening to me doesn\u2019t have to destroy you too.\u201d<\/p>\n

She whipped around to face him again. \u201cIt\u2019s not fine. I should never have gone out that day to find you. If I\u2019d just waited until later, none of this would have happened. But the moment we startled you and you fell; I became attached to you forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s voice bore a similar desperation as hers. \u201cYou\u2019re free to choose your own life.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot anymore,\u201d she snapped back. \u201cDon\u2019t you see?\u201d Laura gestured widely with her arms and then folded them around herself. \u201cIt\u2019s my fault that you\u2019re like \u2026\u201d She pointed at his legs. \u201cThat. No one else will want you this way, so it\u2019s my duty to stay. There\u2019s no way out of this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is a way out. Turn around and keep walking.\u201d<\/p>\n

She was shaking her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. \u201cThere\u2019s only one way out of this, Adam. Just \u2026 one \u2026 way.\u201d<\/p>\n

He waited while she dried her tears with her robe, thinking, not to worry, Laura, I\u2019ve already decided on the way out<\/em>. \u201cYou still haven\u2019t told me what you wanted to talk about that day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her eyes fluttered nervously at the question, and she immediately began twirling a strand of hair, moving finally to picking at threads on the sash of her robe, while she formulated her answer. \u201cI wanted to make sure you knew that I was feeling better, and ask if you would come for supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam sighed. You\u2019re a horrible liar, Laura. You pick at things and stutter. I\u2019ve come to know your every tell. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou look exhausted,\u201d he told her. \u201cGo back to bed now and by morning the future may be brighter.\u201d He tried to continue smiling, but a concern came to mind. \u201cAt dinner, you said Peggy\u2019s staying in town tonight with a friend?\u201d<\/p>\n

A quick nod. \u201cMilly. Her mother says the girls get along so well, she\u2019s offered to let Peggy stay there during the week until school ends for the summer. It is a long ride for her, so I might allow it.\u201d Laura ended her thoughts by moving forward, and leaning down to kiss his cheek. \u201cI am suddenly very sleepy.\u201d She spoke a final, \u201cGoodnight, Adam,\u201d while making a hasty exit.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

The sleepiness in his brother\u2019s eyes had been obvious, and it wasn\u2019t long before Adam heard Hoss\u2019 rumbling snore creeping through the thick walls from the bedroom next door. \u201cThe bear returns to hibernation,\u201d he said quietly. I wonder how I\u2019ve managed to sleep through that noise all these years,<\/em> he thought as the rhythmic sawing grew louder.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d thanked Hoss for bringing up the supplies and had set the guns aside, but now that he certain he would be undisturbed, he pulled the gun belt to his lap and withdrew his pistol. It felt smooth, cool and comfortable in his hand. He didn\u2019t change firearms often, and had used this one since he\u2019d lost his previous one to the two thieves outside East Gate. Little Joe had recovered most of his stolen possessions after finding the outlaws dead in Salt Flats, but they\u2019d already sold his gun.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d never wanted a flashy sidearm, preferring to let the force of his character speak for him. You\u2019ve protected me well<\/em>, he thought while slipping his hand into position around the handle, and then drew a bead on a knot of wood in the door frame.<\/p>\n

Setting the Colt back onto the table, he pulled the notepad closer, and began to write. He\u2019d had his attorney come out recently to make a few addendums to his will, but this was simply a letter of thanks to his family. His writing paused as the irony of his situation came to mind. I\u2019ve been shot with bullets and arrows: serious injuries that brought far more likelihood of death. Yet those wounds healed with only physical scars as reminders. This time, everything on the outside looks fine. But scars have grown inside me that are attaching to my mind and will, making me unable to move anymore. People see my useless legs, but no one can see the true extent of the internal damage to everything I am. <\/em><\/p>\n

There was a long pause as he reaffirmed his intent, but then he quickly wrote a simple explanation of his decision, along with his regrets over how this would affect his father and brothers. He read what he\u2019d written, and satisfied at its contents, he added his thanks for being part of this family.<\/p>\n

It was the Cartwright way to muster on after loss, yet at this moment, he could not see a future where he didn\u2019t end up as a spiteful, useless man, who would take far more than he could ever give back. It was more than he could stand to imagine his family\u2019s current looks of pity, eventually turn to revulsion over what he would become.<\/p>\n

Satisfied that they would understand his decisions as their grief waned, he signed his name. The signature was bold and sure, bringing to mind Annie O\u2019Toole\u2019s description of his writing as grand and scrawly. She accused me of thinking I was better than her: a sniverblot. The tables were turned now. Now she\u2019d look away if we meet, and think, Poor Adam.<\/em><\/p>\n

He needed room to accomplish his final task, so he slid the pad onto his desk, and picked up the pistol again. So how do I do this most efficiently. <\/em>He considered the principles of movement and angles, and finally stuck the barrel up under his jaw, adjusting the angle for the best penetration. I think that\u2019ll do<\/em>. His mind suddenly flooded with the image of his father running in after hearing the shot. It brought both anguish and the knowledge that he had to do this right so there\u2019d be no need for a doctor or any chance at living on in limbo.<\/p>\n

Although he\u2019d written it out, he went over his apology in his mind a last time. I\u2019m sorry, Pa. I\u2019m a coward, but my mind is screaming at me all the time now. I can\u2019t rest enough to think straight anymore. There\u2019s no more pretending that I\u2019ll ever walk out of this chair. I can\u2019t pretend that my life will be anything but a burden to others. And I can\u2019t continue making others feel comfortable around me while I\u2019m shriveling into a person I hate. Even Hoss told me there\u2019s only one way out. <\/em>He lifted his eyes heavenward. Please, God, help them understand that I\u2019m too broken inside to go on.<\/em><\/p>\n

He sighed as he placed the gun. \u201cNo more games,\u201d he whispered, and pulled back on the trigger. The hollow click brought a combination of relief and anger. I can\u2019t remember the last time I used this; must have an empty slot. <\/em>Desiring to finally feel nothing, he squeezed the trigger, and heard the empty click again.<\/p>\n

He assumed the gun had been emptied by Hoss before he\u2019d brought it upstairs, yet he pulled the trigger a few more times, until finally returning it to the holster and placing it on the desk. \u00a0His eyes returned to his upward gaze, and he cried, \u201cWhy!\u201d in a soft hiss. \u201cWhat more do you want from me! You showed me a path to the happiness in Sacramento that\u2019s eluded me the past 12 years. You let me see that I\u2019d been looking for someone I already had, and then pulled it from me, sending me to the circles of hell where I\u2019ll be kept a prisoner in my own body and mind, and everyone I love will come to hate me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tears came as he could find no more words to express his misery. They poured down his cheeks and wet his shirt and hands. Giving in to the release, he put his head down on his arms and wept.<\/p>\n

Six<\/strong><\/p>\n

Morning light was brightening his room when he awoke. The emotional exhaustion had given him his first hard, dreamless sleep since he\u2019d stopped taking the medication for pain, and he stretched until a twinge in his shoulder made him stop. That\u2019s what I get for sleeping on a table<\/em>, he thought wryly. His eyes were drawn towards the desk where the pad with his note still sat where he\u2019d left it, and the pistol was neatly placed above that as it had been when Hoss had dropped it off. In his hazy state, he had a hard time picturing what he\u2019d attempted. The solid sleep had returned a great deal of equilibrium to his thoughts, and he shook his head to wake up more.<\/p>\n

As he woke more fully, he realized he was in a great deal of pain. Yet, a quick assessment, made him aware that it was coming from a place where he\u2019d felt nothing for so long.<\/p>\n

Pins and needles coursed the length of both legs, feeling like he was being dragged through a field of prickly brush. A sensation of connection to his limbs, unfelt for several weeks, made him try to move his foot. Come on!<\/em> A toe \u2026 anything. <\/em>It wasn\u2019t much, but his big toes moved upwards. The others remained stationary, but he rejoiced in the ones that did.<\/p>\n

The celebration was short lived as the pain worsened. He clamped his jaw and grasped the edge of the table with such force he feared he\u2019d break the wood. When he could breathe without gasping, he attempted to adjust his position in the chair, and to his amazement, his hips moved without being tugged into place by his upper body. Pain didn\u2019t matter now, and he continued to try moving. There wasn\u2019t enough strength to sustain upward motion, but there was definitely feeling and muscles contracting.<\/p>\n

His eyes welled as they had hours earlier, but this time with a far different emotion. \u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered. His mind was so fully overcome with gratitude, he couldn\u2019t find words to express it. Thank you for giving Hoss enough sense to empty my pistol<\/em>, he added in his thoughts, before slipping the note with the evidence of his early morning despair into the desk, intending to dispose of it later.<\/p>\n

He had to tamp his excitement, when as the pain eased, the sensations notched back too. Please don\u2019t let this be a fleeting moment!<\/em> He cried silently. Please: no games now<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The emotional upheaval left him drained, and he put his head back in the chair, closed his eyes, and calmed himself until he could think logically. Issuing another mental order for his toe to move produced results, and this time he managed to move all ten. Attempts to raise his leg failed, and he managed the fear by assuring himself that it could take some time until his muscles and nerves communicated flawlessly as they were meant to do. The pain settled into a dull ache, and he relished this as a promise.<\/p>\n

Amid the joy in the early signs of life in his non-functioning legs, he decided not to divulge any of what he was feeling. I can\u2019t handle watching the expectation of full recovery dissolve into pity again if this don\u2019t mean what I hope it does.<\/em><\/p>\n

He opened his eyes as he pulled from his thoughts, and was surprised to find Laura standing in front of him with a breakfast tray.<\/p>\n

\u201cWere you sleeping?\u201d she asked in her ever-cheery voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust thinking.\u201d Not willing to give any indication of his pain, he steeled his back and kept his forced smile in place. \u201cThank you for bringing a tray. You must have suspected I wouldn\u2019t be in the mood for the trip downstairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I could tell you it was my idea, but Hop Sing said Hoss is sleeping in a bit today, and Joe\u2019s already gone\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo I smell French toast?\u201d<\/p>\n

A nod. \u201cHop Sing said it\u2019s just the way you like it, with lots of butter and a sprinkling of sugar.\u201d She set the tray down and removed the cover over the plate with a flourish. \u201cHe put a pound of bacon on the plate as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam reached for a slice of crisp bacon. \u201cJust the way I like it, but I\u2019ll never eat all that. Maybe the aroma will wake Hoss, and he\u2019ll come over and help finish it so Hop Sing won\u2019t be disappointed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura grinned. \u201cYou want me to carry the plate over, open his door and wave it around a bit so he really gets a whiff?\u201d<\/p>\n

They both laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou seem in a better mood today,\u201d she ventured. Her eyes moved towards her feet. \u201cI said things to you during the night that I\u2019m truly ashamed about. I\u2019m sorry. I don\u2019t know how this will work out, but we have to stop hurting each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about we start fresh, and really talk instead of taking jabs. A new day and some fine sunshine can solve a lot of problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

She nodded and smiled. \u201cThat sounds good.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her expression seemed sincere, yet he sensed an uneasy urgency. \u201cHow about we put this new detente to a test. You look unsettled, Laura. Please tell me what\u2019s on your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

The breath she took was long and ragged, yet her face betrayed nothing more. \u201cI just found out that Will is planning to leave. He wants to take that job in San Francisco, and since you\u2019re doing better and there\u2019s a few new men to take his place, he feels he can go now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow soon?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWithin a day or two.\u201d She brushed her hair back and sniffed.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce Hoss is up, he can get me into the wheelchair and I\u2019ll go find him. He has every right to leave if that\u2019s what he wants, but I owe him my thanks for helping out, and I\u2019d like to hear more about what he\u2019ll be doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Laura began backing away. \u201cYou should eat before the food gets cold. I\u2019ll send Hoss in if I see him before you do.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

As predicted, Hoss came into Adam\u2019s room sniffing the air a few minutes later. \u201cYou got bacon in here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore than I can eat. Have some.\u201d<\/p>\n

Still in his checkered nightshirt, Hoss pulled a chair over and grabbed a thick slice. \u201cDo you wanna get out today and shoot like ya mentioned last night?\u201d<\/p>\n

Pink washed over Adam\u2019s cheeks and neck. \u201cThe guns never got cleaned. I fell asleep with my face on the table. It was the best sleep I\u2019ve had in some time though.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss reached for another strip of bacon. \u201cI imagine yer a little stiff too? He saw his brother nod. \u201cI\u2019ll face you away from Pa to get you in the wheelchair, so he don\u2019t see you groanin\u2019. That\u2019s if you think you can manage bein\u2019 in there, \u2018stead of stayin\u2019 in the house today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d appreciate being outdoors. By the way, Laura just told me that Will is leaving. What do you know about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa mentioned it last night. It\u2019s just as well. He\u2019s done a good job helpin\u2019 out, but lately you could see his heart weren\u2019t in it. He moped around and seemed distracted. I hope he finds what\u2019ll make him happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Seven (The next day)<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019m helpin\u2019 you up these steps with you on yer own two feet.\u201d Hoss\u2019 smile beamed at the man next to him. \u201cIt\u2019s a miracle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose it is,\u201d Adam admitted. \u201cBut let\u2019s keep moving. This is taking every ounce of my energy and I\u2019m not about to let you carry me ever again.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Ben leaned back in his green desk chair, and smiled lovingly while watching his sons inch their way up the stairs together. Hoss\u2019 assessment of Adam moving under his own power, even if still needing a sturdy arm for support, was correct. It was hard to conceive that only hours before, his eldest had been looking towards a life of confinement.<\/p>\n

So much had happened since then, it still made his head spin.<\/p>\n

He remembered walking out into the yard in the morning to find Adam in his chair, involved in a serious-looking conversation with Laura. After questioning Adam about it, he found out that Laura and Will were in love, and had been throughout his son\u2019s convalescence. They hadn\u2019t the civility to tell him about it, leaving Adam to discover truth by overhearing a conversation between the two lovers. His son had then tried to convince them that he was fine with their relationship, telling each of them that he bore no ill-will in the matter and concluded that it was the best ending, because he\u2019d already decided that he couldn\u2019t marry Laura. He\u2019d made a mistake in proposing and could never love her the way she deserved.<\/p>\n

But none of this had resonated with the hard-headed Will, who\u2019d been willing, and eager to ride off, leaving Laura behind to repay the obligation they both felt for Adam\u2019s mishap.<\/p>\n

Ben had understood to a degree. His nephew had covered for Adam\u2019s absence so often that he and Laura had developed an attraction. He was certain they were truthful about not carrying on the actual romance behind Adam\u2019s back, but he felt great anger over the fact that Laura had stationed herself as Adam\u2019s caregiver while being in love with his cousin. But he was also angry at himself for not listening when his son had suggested something wasn\u2019t right, and asked for Laura to be sent home.<\/p>\n

The most puzzling thing to him, after the truth was exposed, was that Will still tried to take the easy way out by leaving. He thought his nephew had made progress towards accepting responsibility for his actions, but this gave him pause. Those plans had been thwarted because Adam performed a miracle that wouldn\u2019t let his cousin leave without Laura. He rose; wobbled a bit, and then took enough steps to free himself from the repulsive situation.<\/p>\n

An even bigger miracle had occurred after the star-crossed lovers had gone off together.<\/p>\n

Adam managed to walk all the way into the house before collapsing into a chair, and then told him a story that had astounded him.<\/p>\n

Not only was his oldest son fine with \u201closing\u201d Laura, he was giddy about a happy ending to the fiasco of their engagement: an arrangement that had taxed his soul to the breaking point. He\u2019d then related the story of bumping into a young woman in Sacramento just weeks earlier\u2014a woman he\u2019d once asked to marry him\u2014and how he\u2019d returned home, hoping he\u2019d find a way out of marrying Laura without causing her any harm.<\/p>\n

Adam hadn\u2019t disclosed any future plans, preferring to wait until the scope of his recovery was clearer. But Ben had seen the relief in son\u2019s eyes that hadn\u2019t been there at any time during his recuperation. The truth he\u2019d finally understood was that he\u2019d been viewing the happy \u201csounding\u201d conversations between Adam and Laura, along with his son\u2019s optimistic reports on his health for what they\u2019d been: good theater, to make him<\/em> feel better.<\/p>\n

He shook his head slowly, recalling a serious conversation he\u2019d had with Dr. Smith at his last visit. The wise and seasoned physician had warned him that Adam\u2019s demeanor with his family seemed far too jolly for the situation. Smith had supposed that no man could absorb the deteriorating hope that he\u2019d walk again with such good humor. Smith had been adamant about the dire effects on a patient when they realize the damage is permanent, and had told Ben to watch for a period of deepening despair and mourning. In this phase, a patient may become sullen and withdrawn or the opposite, as in what he feared was Adam\u2019s case, hiding their feelings in front of others, and bearing the grief in a deep, dark place that ate away the soul. Ben had disregarded the warnings, choosing to believe his son was above these effects, and was weathering everything just fine.<\/p>\n

A quick wipe across his cheeks kept the dewy wetness in his eyes from becoming tears as he remembered Adam\u2019s solemn admission a few hours ago that he had reached a point of total hopelessness. Ben\u2019s began to realize how close he\u2019d probably come to losing his son. The only thing that kept him from sliding into his own despair was that Adam had seemed honest in his assessment that those steps he\u2019d taken earlier had restored his life to wholeness<\/p>\n

***<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hoss plopped down on the edge of the bed after helping his brother to sit. \u201cI\u2019ll leave ya here to change clothes and then I\u2019ll be back to see if ya need anything else before you turn in. Pa said he\u2019ll check later too, but I know he\u2019s workin\u2019 on some financial stuff for the bank tomorrow, so who knows when he\u2019ll be done.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t rush. I\u2019ll manage fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

The younger man moved to the door, but stopped and turned back. \u201cSo, you really just started feeling things in yer legs yesterday morning?\u201d<\/p>\n

A nod. \u201cThe morning after the tumble.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think that fall had anything to do with it? Ya know \u2026 like a fall started it, and a fall ended it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s cheek pulled upward in thought. \u201cI hadn\u2019t considered that. I got twisted around pretty good, and did feel a pop in my back when you lifted me off the floor. Maybe that straightened something that was set off plumb by the first fall.\u201d He chuckled. \u201cThat was a good thought, Hoss. You should hang up your doctor\u2019s shingle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll keep track of the steers like I been doin\u2019, if ya don\u2019t mind. I was mightily worried about you the other night, but now I\u2019m glad it happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Expecting his family would each check in on him before turning in tonight, Adam slipped into nightshirt for what he hoped was the last time, and piled pillows against his headboard so he could read. His comfort was short-lived, as he realized the book on the nightstand was one he\u2019d already finished. He was contemplating whether to get up to retrieve a new one or simply call it a night, when he heard a soft knock, and saw Hoss\u2019 head appear around the opening door.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou done just fine, Big Brother.\u201d His face beamed with genuine joy. \u201cIs there anything I can grab for you before I turn in?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve arrived at the exact moment to render service,\u201d Adam replied with a teasing formality, while issuing a sweeping gesture towards the nearby furnishings. \u201cI find myself in possession of a book I\u2019ve already completed, and wonder if you might search my desk for one of the new ones Pa brought from town.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss moved towards the large, angled desk that allowed Adam to spread out engineering schematics; raised the top, and peered inside. \u201cWhich book do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n

When Hoss remained in the same position, staring into the desk, Adam offered, \u201cThe books should be on the far right. I might have covered them up with something, but I know they\u2019re in there.\u201d<\/p>\n

The item Hoss withdrew as he turned towards his brother was not a book. It was a notepad, and Adam groaned inwardly, realizing he\u2019d completely forgotten about the letter he\u2019d written two nights earlier.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you mean to kill yerself like this says, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never meant for anyone to see that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head as he slumped down on the arm of the chair he\u2019d carried upstairs for his brother weeks earlier. \u201cWhen did you write this?\u201d<\/p>\n

He knew Hoss needed the truth, and that he would keep it to himself. \u201cThe other night after you had to rescue me from the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what made you think about doin\u2019 this: you thought you were a burden to us? I told you from my heart that I\u2019d never think of you like that. Never!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Hoss. It was more like a burden in my own mind that had become too heavy to carry. That night everything just crashed over me a drowning wave. I\u2019d outlived the hope of walking, and life seemed like a miserable game of how much I could lose before I finally gave up. I couldn\u2019t play it any longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

He pointed to the letter again. \u201cThat Kane feller tormented you by playin\u2019 games no one could win. Was that how you felt again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis game was worse because it wasn\u2019t someone else tormenting me, it was a war for control of my own mind and body, and I was losing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe best tear this up before Pa sees it.\u201d His worried look was replaced by a knowing smile. \u201cWhat matters is that you didn\u2019t go through with yer plan.\u201d<\/p>\n

A burgundy stain engulfed Adam\u2019s neck and face. How honest do I need to be<\/em>, he wondered to himself. The answer was clear. This brother needed to know that he\u2019d prevented it. \u201cI did try,\u201d he said softly, looking up to face his brother directly. \u201cBut thanks to you, I couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could I have stopped it if I didn\u2019t even know you was thinkin\u2019 about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must have suspected. I asked for those guns so I could end things. I actually pulled the trigger on my pistol six times, but you\u2019d thought to remove the bullets. If you hadn\u2019t done that, I wouldn\u2019t have lived long enough to experience my recovery.\u201d He watched Hoss\u2019 expression, and saw confusion.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 jaw dropped open when Adam finished. He looked around the room until he spotted Adam\u2019s black holster holding the Colt. He grabbed it from the top of the desk and sat on the bed with his brother. \u201cThere\u2019s somethin\u2019 I gotta check.\u201d He opened the cylinder of the gun, and tipped it backwards. Six bullets dropped into his open hand. \u201cI feel bad as anything for not pickin\u2019 up on what you had in mind, but I was so tired when I went down for this, I didn\u2019t even think about it bein\u2019 loaded.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam moved so he was to sitting next to his brother on the side of the bed. He took the pistol and examined it. \u201cAll the chambers were full? I heard the hammer hit. How could it misfire that many times?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss grinned. \u201cSomeone didn\u2019t want you leaving us that night.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think this was a Heavenly intervention? That\u2019s as improbable as a gun misfiring six times!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut not impossible.\u201d He wrapped his arm around his brother\u2019s back and gave a hearty squeeze. \u201cYou were so wearied that night, I\u2019m bettin\u2019 you fell asleep after you wrote that letter and just dreamt about doing it. Whatever happened, you\u2019re getting\u2019 better, and it is all kind of a miracle.\u201d His arm remained tight around Adam. \u201cIt reminds me of the words to a song we sung in church a couple times.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam leaned into the embrace and laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s the second miracle today: you remembering the words to a church song.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must remember it too. Somethin\u2019 about plunging into despair.\u201d His sigh was deep. \u201cGotta admit there\u2019ve been a couple times when I got to feeling so low, it didn\u2019t hardly seem right to go on taking air from this earth to breathe. But the sun always got to shinin\u2019 again.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two remained sitting together, both deep in their own thoughts until Adam finally broke in. \u201cHow about you toss that letter and a match in the fireplace, and then hand me one of those books before you go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

He\u2019d managed to turn a few pages of The Mill on the Floss<\/em>, a novel he\u2019d sent for after reading George Eliot\u2019s, Silas Marner<\/em>, yet he couldn\u2019t recall anything of what he\u2019d read. His thoughts kept going back to the conversation he\u2019d had with Hoss.<\/p>\n

What happened that night<\/em>, he asked himself repeatedly. Was I protected from making a fatal choice when I couldn\u2019t see beyond that moment, or did I fall asleep and dream it? <\/em><\/p>\n

It still took great effort to get balanced and moving after standing up from the bed, but he gave thanks for each wobbly step as he made his way to the bookshelves above his desk. The room was dimly lit, but he could read the embossed, gilt titles of the books there, and quickly selected a hymnal he\u2019d brought home from church to practice songs he\u2019d lead at services when the organist was away. Turning to the alphabetical index at the back, he ran his finger along the letters until reaching the P\u2019s. As Hoss had suggested, there was a song called, Plunged in a Gulf of Dark Despair.<\/em><\/p>\n

Noting the page, he returned to the comfort of his bed, and found the correct hymn. He hummed the melody, and finally sang the first two verses in a volume only he could hear. The words were powerful, and a violent shiver moved from his scalp to his toes, when he truly faced the decision he\u2019d made to end his life, and the second chance he\u2019d been given. The chill was followed by a comforting warmth as he remembered the last two days, and the joy of thanksgiving. He\u2019d had an honest, long-overdue talk with his father that had cleared the air about many things, and he\u2019d told him more about Boston and the relationship with Melinda. He wasn\u2019t at a point where he could make plans, but he had given himself permission to write her about the cancelled wedding plans, and to thank her for her honesty during their time in Sacramento.<\/p>\n

He grinned while thinking back to what his father had said about a romance rekindling during the worst of times. Pa was right about that. He might have had the wrong woman in mind, but it still happened.<\/em><\/p>\n

He laid the hymnal aside as he crawled under the covers, and sunk into the comfortable indentations in his mattress that he hadn\u2019t been able to feel during his paralysis. People don\u2019t understand how frightening things are when nothing feels the same, not even your bed, your favorite chair or your clothes. You live in a constant state of adjustment.<\/em> It\u2019s no wonder people become despaired. Your body is no longer familiar.<\/em><\/p>\n

His thoughts turned toward his family, and realized that they\u2019d been going through the same period of nothing feeling familiar. They\u2019d done the best they could, but he hadn\u2019t been able to see it because of his anger and grief.<\/p>\n

Adam was reminded of shouting angry and pleading prayers during his recovery, but found himself chagrinned at how few times he bothered to say thank you. He did that now and ended by asking that anything he\u2019d missed mentioning would be accepted as well.<\/p>\n

Before placing the hymnal on the nightstand, he paused to read the first two stanzas again, and smiled as he finally lowered the lamp and began drifting off. The lyrics swirled in his mind, as he made the message his own.<\/p>\n

Plunged in a gulf of dark despair<\/em><\/p>\n

A helpless sinner lay.<\/em><\/p>\n

Without a beaming ray of hope<\/em><\/p>\n

Or spark of dawning day.<\/em><\/p>\n

With pitying eyes the Prince of Grace<\/em><\/p>\n

Beheld my helpless grief:<\/em><\/p>\n

He saw, and O, amazing love,<\/em><\/p>\n

He came to my relief.**<\/em><\/p>\n

The End<\/strong><\/p>\n

* This memory is taken from my own canon of stories in which Adam meets Melinda while in college, falls in love with her, and then loses touch with her through the canon years of Bonanza. He sees her again during the delay that kept him from his engagement party, and is reminded of how romantic love should feel. This drives his decision to get out of his engagement to Laura.<\/p>\n

**Plunged in a Gulf of Dark Despair<\/em>: words by Isaac Watts (1674\u20131748). Melody by Fran\u00e7ois H. Barth\u00e9l\u00e9mon (1741\u20131808)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 The Triangle episode has always bothered me. It showed an upbeat Adam who was always chipper and jolly. Yet he\u2019d been seriously injured, and was not having optimal outcomes when it came to walking again. He would certainly have gone through some very dark times while considering his future in a wheel chair. \u00a0In addition, he had to have felt Laura\u2019s coolness and emotional absence, since she loved Will. This is my personal adaptation of that episode with a little backstory. It is a realistic and gritty look at the likely medical outcomes of the fall; the emotional battles Adam would have faced, and the power of brotherly love.<\/p>\n

Rating: K<\/p>\n

Word Count: 17425<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":82,"featured_media":16717,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1005,23,41],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adam-cartwright","category-drama","category-hurtcomfort","wpcat-1005-id","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-41-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":2622,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/Lessons.jpg?fit=481%2C337&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":57725,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=57725","url_meta":{"origin":28285,"position":0},"title":"Melancholy Rain (By JC)","author":"JC","date":"January 27, 2025","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Rainy day reflections from Hoss Cartwright in the aftermath of a tragedy. Rating: T Word Count: 644","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5545,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5545","url_meta":{"origin":28285,"position":1},"title":"Adam’s Family First Christmas at the Ponderosa (by Gracemolina)","author":"Gracemolina","date":"May 1, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0After returning to The Ponderosa, Adam with his family had to face his first Christmas with all their members, his wife, their twins, Peggy and Olaf.\u00a0Olaf\u00a0go away and returned late to christmas eve dinner, because\u00a0he wants to share Christmas spirit, but Adam only understand he disobeyed him\u00a0The twins received\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":28304,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28304","url_meta":{"origin":28285,"position":2},"title":"Studio Executives #8 — A Sharp Idea (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 1, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: The Cartwrights try to come up with an episode that will cheer up their fans. WC: 2,450; Rating: PG Studio Executives Series, links to all stories are included within.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/Cartwrights-and-execs.png?fit=480%2C386&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6204,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6204","url_meta":{"origin":28285,"position":3},"title":"Scars on the Inside (by Annie K Cowgirl)","author":"Annie K Cowgirl","date":"September 3, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0In memory of the beloved episode My Brother's Keeper. It's been five years since the accident and Adam still hasn't forgiven himself for shooting Joe. 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