{"id":28304,"date":"2020-04-01T14:12:36","date_gmt":"2020-04-01T18:12:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28304"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:39:18","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:39:18","slug":"studio-executive-8-a-sharp-idea","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=28304","title":{"rendered":"Studio Executives #8 — A Sharp Idea (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:<\/strong> The Cartwrights try to come up with an episode that will cheer up their fans.<\/p>\n

The following episodes are referenced: The Hayburner, Ponderosa Matador, The Stillness Within, The Savage, A Stranger Passed This Way, Triangle, The Wooing of Abigail Jones, A Matter of Circumstance, The Pure Truth<\/p>\n

WC: 2,450;\u00a0Rating: PG<\/p>\n

Studio Executives Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Real History of “The Crucible”<\/a>
\nLittle Joe Cartwright’s Very, Very, Very Bad Day<\/a>
\nThe Roberts Dilemma<\/a>
\nA Ponderosa Christmas . . . Or Maybe Not<\/a>
\nMen of the Ponderosa:\u00a0 A Valentine’s Day Treat<\/a>
\nOn the Other Hand<\/a>
\nFake History<\/a>
\nA Sharp Idea<\/a>
\nNegotiating Clingers, Going Natural, and the Big-Ticket Item<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Studio Executives #8 — A Sharp Idea<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

by pjb<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Scene: Interior. The Ponderosa. <\/em><\/p>\n

Present: BEN CARTWRIGHT, ADAM CARTWRIGHT, HOSS CARTWRIGHT, LITTLE JOE CARTWRIGHT, CANDY CANADAY, JAMIE HUNTER CARTWRIGHT, HOP SING<\/em><\/p>\n

(a knock at the door)<\/em><\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s about time. Hop Sing, would you get that?<\/p>\n

HOP SING:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Hop Sing always get door. Nobody else get door. Why Hop Sing always have to get door?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Um, because it\u2019s your job?<\/p>\n

(Joe leaps over the back of the settee and grabs Hop Sing, who is brandishing a meat cleaver and yelling at Jamie in Chinese)<\/em><\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s a little testy these days.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You need to apologize.<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What for? He can\u2019t kill me. It\u2019s in my contract. Nobody can kill a Cartwright.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Are you saying my wives all had lousy contracts?<\/p>\n

(more knocking)<\/em><\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Will somebody answer that blasted door!<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ll get it. All I\u2019ve been doing so far is sitting here. (opens the door to admit STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1, STUDIO EXECUTIVE #2, and STUDIO EXECUTIVE #3)<\/em> Hey, fellas, come on in.<\/p>\n

SE #1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>(as Joe hauls Hop Sing back to the kitchen)<\/em> Everything okay here?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Actually, Stan, it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Like I\u2019ve said before, my name\u2019s not\u2014you know what? Never mind. What\u2019s the problem?<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We\u2019ve heard from the outside world that our fans are having kind of a rough time.<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s the matter?<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We haven\u2019t been able to get any details. We\u2019ve sent wires, read the Territorial Enterprise, and written to Ben\u2019s relatives back east.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And you know how many relatives Pa has back east.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I hope somebody does. I certainly don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (returning from the kitchen)<\/em>\u00a0 Hop Sing wants to know if anybody wants coffee.<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I do.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Not you. Anybody else?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Skip the coffee. This is important.<\/p>\n

HOP SING:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 (yelling from the kitchen)<\/em>\u00a0 Coffee important too!<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (yelling back)<\/em>\u00a0 We\u2019d all love some coffee, Hop Sing! (in a normal voice)<\/em>\u00a0 We haven\u2019t heard about any problems.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I have a sense about these things. Our fans are unhappy, and we need to do a very special episode to make them feel better.<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Like what?<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s why we called you here. We tried to come up with something, and\u2014well, it didn\u2019t work very well.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My idea was terrific!<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 An entire episode about how you lost your pants? What are the rest of us supposed to do?<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Besides hide our eyes?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We could put a tack on his chair!<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Or rub poison ivy on his saddle.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (appreciatively)<\/em>\u00a0 You have an evil mind.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Joseph, I said \u201cno,\u201d and I meant it. No matter what we come up with, you\u2019re keeping your pants on.<\/p>\n

(unearthly moans of grief fill the air)<\/em><\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s that?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Joe\u2019s fans.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 See? You\u2019re making them feel even worse. That\u2019s so wrong.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I could be the one to lose my pants.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Nobody is losing their pants. Understand?<\/p>\n

(more unearthly moans of grief)<\/em><\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What exactly did you have in mind, Ben?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We figured you know more than we do about ratings and all that, so you\u2019re in a better position to help us come up with something to brighten our fans\u2019 days.<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You know as much as we do. I mean, the best ratings come when somebody gets hurt or gets their heart broken.<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Obviously, it\u2019s best if we can work both into one episode.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Like that episode where I got hurt and that girl Ruth put the bandanna on my head and we fell in love. That was a great episode!<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For you.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You fell in love with a bandanna?<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You know how boring that episode was for the rest of us? All we got to do was look for you. At least, I think we did. I don\u2019t even remember now, it was so boring.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We\u2019re not trying to keep you<\/em>\u00a0 amused. We\u2019re trying to make the fans happy.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You think an episode all about you is going to make them happy?<\/p>\n

(mild cheering from afar)<\/em><\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 See? The fans think so.<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (looking at his handheld device)<\/em>\u00a0 That was seven people.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 How do you know?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I picked up this handy-dandy little device the last time we were at the mercantile. Old Man Miller put in something called a Genius Bar, and they\u2019ve got all sorts of stuff like this. Seriously, it\u2019s like having the whole world in your pocket. Look at this\u2014it shows you what people think with thumbs up and thumbs down.<\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Let me see that thing.<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I probably shouldn\u2019t. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s supposed to exist yet.<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Look, we all know we get the best ratings when Joe\u2019s the one who gets hurt.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (to Joe)<\/em>\u00a0 You have some seriously weird fans.<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Forget it. Every time they shoot me or whatever, all I do is lie around and look feverish while everybody else gets to go out and do stuff. No way, Phil or Phyllis or whoever you are. There\u2019s gotta be something better we can do.<\/p>\n

(unearthly moans of grief)<\/em><\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (checks his device)<\/em>\u00a0 Two hundred twenty.<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Thing is, the others can get hurt or shot or whatever, but the ratings are never as good. The audience likes seeing Joe suffer.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I think they like watching me pick Joe up and carry him around like he\u2019s a little kid.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What do you suggest? An episode where Joe can\u2019t walk and you have to carry him all over the Ponderosa?<\/p>\n

(mild cheering)<\/em><\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Eighty-nine. Doesn\u2019t sound like a keeper.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Besides, that not-walking thing is mine. I still have my old wheelchair in the attic.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We don\u2019t have an attic.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The basement, then.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We got a root cellar. Is that where you put it?<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I thought you gave it to Doc Martin.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Which Doc Martin?<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Whichever one we had at the time.<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If we have an episode where Joe gets hurt, can we use a different doctor?<\/p>\n

SE #2: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Who?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yeah, Who.<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yeah what?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Not What. Who.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong with that kid?<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 How long have you got?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (with exaggerated patience)<\/em>\u00a0 We can use Doctor Who.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 Who?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yeah.<\/p>\n

SE #3\u00a0 :<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I don\u2019t know\u2014<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Third base!<\/p>\n

(Yes, we know Jamie switched pop culture references at this point.)<\/em><\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I have an idea!<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It had better not involve you displaying your . . . assets.<\/p>\n

(wild cheering)<\/em><\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Eight hundred forty-three.<\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I need to get one of those.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Joseph, what\u2019s your idea?<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I forgot. Adam made me forget.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I<\/em> made you forget? Maybe you\u2019re losing your memory.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Hey, that\u2019s my thing!<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Even if I lost my memory, I wouldn\u2019t wear a diaper on my head!<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I didn\u2019t have a memory, so I forgot how stupid it looked!<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Is it just me, or is this conversation even stranger than usual?<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What ever happened to the coffee?<\/p>\n

(enter ROY COFFEE)<\/em><\/p>\n

ROY:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You mean me?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Roy, what are you doing here?<\/p>\n

ROY:\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Me and my mustache were out riding to make sure there weren\u2019t any miscreants around, and we saw a peculiar-looking contraption out front and came to investigate.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Miscreants?<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Bad guys.<\/p>\n

BEN:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 These are the fellows from the studio. Fellows, this is Roy Coffee, our sheriff.<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Good to see you again, Roy.<\/p>\n

ROY:\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What seems to be the problem here, gents?<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The Cartwrights are trying to come up with something to entertain their fans.<\/p>\n

ROY:\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t reckon I can help you there unless you think them fans want to see a real Old West lawman putting together a posse.<\/p>\n

(mild booing, and Roy stomps out in a huff and slams the door)<\/em><\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I still think we should do the episode where I lose my pants. We can do a raffle, and the winners can help me look for them.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You really think your fans are gonna want you to find<\/em> your pants?<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Of course! They\u2019re honorable women!<\/p>\n

(guffaws from beyond)<\/em><\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Wow\u2014seven hundred and thirty-two! I didn\u2019t even know this thing had that setting!<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I told you\u2014what the fans really want is a musical episode.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (brightening)<\/em>\u00a0 You mean like \u201cBonanza\u2014the Musical\u201d? That would be terrific! You know, I had that hit song\u2014<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (gesturing toward Hoss and Joe)<\/em>\u00a0 Um, Ben\u2014<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You should let me sing. I\u2019m a whole lot better than Hoss and Joe.<\/p>\n

HOSS AND JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We can sing!<\/p>\n

(moderately loud booing)<\/em><\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Five hundred thirty-eight!<\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (hastily)\u00a0 <\/em>Listen, fellows, I wish we could help you, but we only know how to do a few kinds of shows.<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (ticking them off on his fingers)<\/em>\u00a0 Somebody gets robbed, somebody gets hurt, an injustice almost happens, somebody dies, somebody gets their heart broken, somebody learns a lesson.<\/p>\n

BEN:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, come on. We have more variety than that. What about\u2014okay, maybe not that one, but\u2014hold on, I know I can think of something\u2014<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What about the one with Abigail Jones?<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You learned a lesson. Hoss even said so at the end.<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What about when I was blind?<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You were blind?<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was after you left.<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t find his pants then, either, but it was only because Hop Sing put them in the wrong drawer.<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The blind episode was another lesson episode, plus Joe got hurt.<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 Gee, what a surprise.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What about when Joe got trampled by a horse?<\/p>\n

BEN:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s a \u201cgot hurt\u201d one. Even I know that. But what about the one where Hoss had spring fever and that nice lady gave him a tonic that helped him?<\/p>\n

SE #1:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The bank got robbed, and Hoss was wrongfully accused, so robbery and almost-injustice.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe this. We gotta have more in our saddlebags than that. Somebody, think of something!<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My episode wouldn\u2019t involve any of those categories.<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking you\u2019d be learning quite a lesson, young man.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What about if we got that Alex Sharp fellow to come up with something? His episodes ain\u2019t hurt or heartbroken or any of that stuff.<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You mean that stunt man who wrote about when you and Adam bought a Thoroughbred racehorse, but me and the guy from My Three Sons won the race?<\/p>\n

BEN, HOSS, JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Security!<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No!<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You\u2019re just a sore loser. Hoss is right\u2014that guy writes good stuff.<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Especially for me. Remember the one with that pretty little se\u00f1orita who picked me over you two?<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Forget it!<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 So what do you want to do? We have fans who need to be cheered up, and none of us can think of anything we haven\u2019t done a million times.<\/p>\n

(They all look at each other. Then. . . .)<\/em><\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (with a wild look in his eye)<\/em>\u00a0 I\u2019ve got it!<\/p>\n

(The others stare at him. Then, ever so slowly, the light dawns.)<\/em><\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You mean\u2014somebody from the Ponderosa\u2014<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014can fall in love\u2014<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014and live happily ever after?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

(gasps of shock from the great beyond)<\/em><\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s not bad!<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (waving his hand)<\/em>\u00a0 Pick me! Pick me!<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (seeing the skepticism on the SEs\u2019 faces)<\/em>\u00a0 You have to admit\u2014it\u2019s the one thing we\u2019ve never done.<\/p>\n

SE #2: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Are you sure the fans would go for it?<\/p>\n

HOSS:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sure they would!<\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But who would we choose?<\/p>\n

(clamoring from the great beyond, and even more clamor in the living room as everybody argues about why he should be the lucky one)<\/em><\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, for Pete\u2019s sake! Cut it out everybody!<\/p>\n

JAMIE:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>(timidly)<\/em>\u00a0 Um, I got an idea. I saw a movie once where they did this thing, and it worked really well.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You saw a what?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There was a lot of singing and dancing involved. There were seven brothers, and by the end, they all<\/em> got married.<\/p>\n

(The SEs exchange looks. Then, they shrug)<\/em><\/p>\n

SE #3: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As long as we limit the solos, it should be okay.<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The guys are always dancing at parties, so they should be able to pull that off.<\/p>\n

SE #1: <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You think we can get that many blue dresses?<\/p>\n

BEN, ADAM, HOSS, JOE, CANDY, JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 You really don\u2019t understand, do you?<\/p>\n

CANDY:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No wonder there\u2019s never been a happy-ending episode.<\/p>\n

SE #2:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What would we call it?<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Let\u2019s see. We got Pa, Adam, Hoss, Joe, me\u2014if we count Candy as family, we can call it \u201cSix Brides for Six Cartwrights\u201d!<\/p>\n

(incredibly loud booing, wailing, moaning, sounds of glass breaking, and rioting)<\/em><\/p>\n

SE #3:<\/strong> \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What the\u2014<\/p>\n

JAMIE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Eight hundred, nine hundred, twelve hundred, two thousand, ten thousand\u2014holy crap! They broke my device!<\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sounds as if somebody doesn\u2019t like the idea of all of us living happily ever after.<\/p>\n

JOE:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Doggone it. I was so looking forward to getting\u2014<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 Joseph!<\/p>\n

JOE:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Married! I was gonna say \u201cmarried\u201d!<\/p>\n

SE #1: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>I guess the fans prefer it when you\u2019re heartbroken and hurt and learning lessons.<\/p>\n

SE #3: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Kind of a sadistic lot, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

BEN:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Of course not. They\u2019re every bit as kind-hearted as\u2014well as everybody involved in this show.<\/p>\n

(evil guffaws from beyond)<\/em><\/p>\n

ADAM:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (to Jamie, who\u2019s staring despondently at his device)<\/em>\u00a0 I thought that thing was broken.<\/p>\n

(Jamie shrugs. Cut to KITCHEN, where Hop Sing sits with his iPad, tapping on the screen and muttering)<\/em><\/p>\n

HOP SING:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Six<\/em> brides, huh. No bride for Hop Sing, no bride for anybody<\/em>. Hop Sing write new episode, use same pen name as before so nobody know. Episode funny and romantic, just like matador episode. This time, everybody but Hop Sing get nasty<\/em> stomach flu just as beautiful lady come to town, she fall in love with Hop Sing, family make much puking and wailing, beautiful lady and Hop Sing make much whoopee. . . .<\/p>\n

(Closeup of iPad screen bearing these words: \u201cA Bride for Hop Sing,\u201d by Alex Sharp<\/strong>)<\/em><\/p>\n

************<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, \u201cA Bride for Hop Sing\u201d never aired. Joe found out that Alex Sharp, who had supposedly written \u201cThe Hayburner\u201d and \u201cPonderosa Matador,\u201d really was just a stunt man, and he was letting Hop Sing use his name in exchange for five percent of the residuals. When Joe tried to use this information to blackmail Hop Sing into writing a special episode where Joe and three lusty, bosomy women were stranded for weeks in a remote mountain cabin, Hop Sing was so incensed that he used all his Hayburner money to buy fifty pairs of pants for Joe so he could never, ever convince anybody to do an episode where he lost his pants. <\/em><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: The Cartwrights try to come up with an episode that will cheer up their fans.
\nWC: 2,450; Rating: PG
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