{"id":2949,"date":"2012-09-12T17:07:05","date_gmt":"2012-09-12T21:07:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2949"},"modified":"2023-03-22T13:14:31","modified_gmt":"2023-03-22T17:14:31","slug":"the-birds-and-the-bees","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=2949","title":{"rendered":"The Birds and the Bees (by faust)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: <\/span>Some questions are easier to answer than others. And it doesn’t help that Adam is entirely on his own when his son asks this particular one.<\/p>\n

1,650 words, rated K<\/p>\n

My Story Index and reading order for the Art-Universe<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

The Birds and the Bees<\/strong><\/h2>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPapa, can you tell me about the birds and the bees? Ned tried to tell me what his pa explained, but I didn\u2019t understand it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam felt the colour drain from his face. Ever since he\u2019d become a father he\u2019d been dreading that<\/em> question. He heard a soft \u201cGood luck\u201d and the ruffling of a skirt from behind, and, predictably, when he turned around he saw the back of his wife, who was hastily retreating into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

He was alone. Doomed.<\/p>\n

He cleared his throat thoroughly and threw a last desperate glance to the kitchen, where, as sure as hell and taxes, Juliet was eavesdropping and preparing to having the time of her life. He sighed, gave his son a weak smile, and started to speak in a faint voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Henry, the birds…um…well, yes, they lay eggs, and then they sit on them; and after so many days the eggs crack open and the hatchlings, err, hatch out.\u201d Now, that hadn\u2019t been so hard, had it?<\/em> With a renewed confidence he continued, \u201cYou already knew this from our chickens, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. But it\u2019s only when we don\u2019t eat them eggs afore, Papa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? Yes, if we don\u2019t eat them before. So that\u2019s how birds and chickens are born.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam realised he hadn\u2019t explained much, at least not from the actual question, the one that went straight into the heart of things\u2014and he started to feel weak again. \u201cAnd, um, it\u2019s the same with people. Somehow. The women…\u201d He trailed off, wondering where this would lead to. How had his father explained it? From the kitchen he heard a soft chuckle. That woman! <\/em>He would\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cThe women lay eggs<\/em>?\u201d Henry was only five, but he wasn\u2019t an idiot. He knew when he was being kidded, or at least he thought so. And surely Papa didn\u2019t think he\u2019d believe that<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course they don\u2019t. They….\u201d Adam fingered at his shirt collar. Why was it so hot today in the living room? \u201cWell, they…ah….\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey…?\u201d Henry prompted and looked expectantly at his father, who was literally squirming in his seat. Henry wondered if Papa had back cramps again. But the back cramps usually came with chills, and Papa looked quite hot. Hot and uncomfortable, just like last week, when Mama had asked if Papa had any idea what possibly could have happened to the lemon biscuits she\u2019d stored away for \u201cspecial occasions.\u201d Yeah, just like then\u2014only without the crumbs on his chin.<\/p>\n

Adam gazed back at his son, and suddenly it struck him. There was an easy way out, such an easy way. Why hadn\u2019t he thought of it earlier? \u201cHenry, you\u2019ve seen Coral foaling just last week. She had the foal in her tummy, and then she…well, foaled. With humans it\u2019s the same.\u201d He all but rubbed his hands. There<\/em>. It had been much easier than anticipated. He was only happy they were living on a ranch and not somewhere in the big cities. He felt sorry for all the fathers who had no good examples to refer to, and congratulated himself for his decision to stay at the Ponderosa instead of touring Europe.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe women foal? Mama foaled in the barn?\u201d Henry stared, wide-eyed.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s called giving birth\u2014and you will not talk to anybody about this, you hear me? And women do it in their beds. But technically\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

He was interrupted by a harrumph from the kitchen and wisely fell silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cWoah!\u201d Henry seemed deeply impressed, and Adam knew the boy would view his mother with new eyes from now on.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if that\u2019s all, shall we have tea now?\u201d Adam was immensely satisfied with himself. \u201cAnd maybe there\u2019s even a piece of apple pie left.\u201d<\/p>\n

Henry leaned back in his seat opposite from his Papa\u2019s blue chair and crossed his arms. He contemplated his father for a moment, pursing his lips in a way that made Adam think he was seeing himself in a mirror. Apparently Henry\u2019s curiosity wasn\u2019t satisfied yet. Adam smiled. Of course, with his parents, Henry was sure to be a child with a great hunger for knowledge. And Adam loved to satisfy this hunger.<\/p>\n

Well, most of the times.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd how do the foals and children get into them mama\u2019s tummies?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stared. His skin started itching, and his throat felt dry. It was not only hot in this room, but also stifling. From the kitchen he heard a choking sound. That reminded him….<\/p>\n

\u201cHenry, I think your mother would like to tell you that.\u201d Well, he wasn\u2019t the only educated person in the house, was he? And hadn\u2019t Juliet always been adamant that Henry should be schooled by both his parents?<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Adam, you go ahead. You\u2019re doing great.\u201d Her voice rang from the kitchen in a curious mixture of amusement and anguish. Adam had never considered her a coward, but obviously not only Henry was learning something new today.<\/p>\n

He looked at his son, fervently hoping for a miracle. Something that would distract Henry. Five-year-olds were easily to distract, and maybe a ladybug would just fly in and\u2014no, not in January. Adam leaned his forehead on his hand and thought. Thought hard. Thought hard about how he could possibly stall this question. Preferably until\u2014well, until never.<\/p>\n

\u201cPapa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Henry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do<\/em> they get in?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam groaned. No stalling. He pinched the bridge of his nose.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, you know mamas and papas sleep in one bed. That\u2019s how.\u201d He tried to keep an impassive face. This should do, shouldn\u2019t it? Dear God in heaven, that was more than he had known until he had seen a stallion in action for the first time\u2014and he had been ten by then.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you and Mama sleep in one bed nearly every night, and you have only one foa\u2014, er, child.\u201d Henry obviously still wasn\u2019t satisfied.<\/p>\n

That boy was too smart for his own good. And too smart for Adam\u2019s nerves. Especially now when his nerves were aggravated by his wife\u2019s sniggering in the kitchen anyway.<\/p>\n

Adam clenched the armrests of his chair. Inwardly he counted to ten. Slowly, deliberately. Oh, the joys of fatherhood.<\/em> Suddenly he felt a pang of sympathy for his own father. He couldn\u2019t remember, though, asking him questions like this. He never would have dared. Neither would have his brothers. But, of course, he had to raise his own son differently. Ask anything you like<\/em>, he remembered having said that time and again. Well, what did he know when he had blurted that out? He really should consider his words more wisely.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should have a dozen brothers.\u201d Henry sounded disappointed. \u201cPapa. Papa? Papa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam, pulled out of his musings, looked up into Henry\u2019s face. Inquiring gaze, raised eyebrow, imperious tone\u2014the boy was unquestionably his mother\u2019s son.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s not so much the sleeping in one bed, but…\u201d It was<\/em> hot in this darn room. Adam opened his shirt collar. He hadn\u2019t sweated like that since the branding in June.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you all right, Papa?\u201d Henry had the brass to ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine. Just dandy.\u201d If only that woman<\/em> would stop snickering.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo it ain\u2019t the sleeping, but…?\u201d<\/p>\n

Darn, that kid was<\/em> insistent. Another trait he\u2019d clearly inherited from his mother.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt isn\u2019t<\/em>, Henry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI understood that it ain\u2019t. But what is it?\u201d Now Henry was becoming impatient. God, Adam had never known his child was so<\/em> much like his mother.<\/p>\n

\u201cPapa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Was that royalty? One could never be sure with this\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cAnswer him already, Adam.\u201d Now, that was<\/em> royalty.<\/p>\n

Heaving a deep, deep sigh, Adam resigned himself to his fate. \u201cSon, when mamas and papas sleep in one bed, and they are really, really tender with each other, then sometimes it happens that they conceive a child.\u201d And if they are unlucky, the Lord takes it to Heaven even before it\u2019s born,<\/em> he nearly added bitterly\u2014but that was something Henry had witnessed already.<\/p>\n

He watched his son, anxiously waiting for the verdict.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo that\u2019s how.\u201d Henry finally sounded satisfied; and Adam released the breath he had been holding.<\/p>\n

Henry stood, crossed the short distance to his father\u2019s chair, and whispered in Adam\u2019s ear, \u201cCan\u2019t you and Mama be really, really tender just once more, so I\u2019m gonna have a brother like Ned?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled and whispered back, \u201cI think we can, buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Henry went back to his abandoned chair, sat down, gave his father a conspiratorial grin and nodded eagerly. \u201cAnd now tell me about the birds and the bees,\u201d he demanded cheerfully. \u201cWhy do them birds eat flies but not bees?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam gaped at his son, dumbfounded, until his head sunk down and, groaning, he buried his face his hands, while in the kitchen someone exploded with laughter.<\/p>\n

__________
\nYou can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones<\/em><\/p>\n

***fin***<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
\n

With many thanks to Sklamb, for another wonderful beta.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/em><\/p>\n

My Story Index<\/a><\/p>\n

Next Story in The Art-Universe Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Bushwhacked or The Art of Negotiating<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Some questions are easier to answer than others. And it doesn’t help that Adam is entirely on his own when his son asks this particular one. <\/p>\n

1,650 words, rated K<\/p>\n

The Art-Universe series, links to all the stories within the series are included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":20,"featured_media":3027,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,4],"tags":[14],"class_list":["post-2949","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-u","category-humor","tag-adam-cartwright","wpcat-7-id","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1276,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Bird.jpg?fit=323%2C450&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":14134,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14134","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":0},"title":"A Summer’s Tale (by Krystyna)","author":"Krystyna","date":"September 3, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A hot day, a melting pig, and Joe wants to know about the birds and the bees. Rating: \u00a0G \u00a0(1,390 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":636,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=636","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":1},"title":"Birds and Bees (by Terri)","author":"Terri","date":"December 25, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 With Adam's prompting, Ben decides to give his youngest son a talk on the facts of life. \u00a0 Rated: T \u00a0WC 1700","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/bird-bee.jpg?fit=981%2C981&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":7440,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7440","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":2},"title":"The Interview (by slaine89)","author":"slaine89","date":"October 10, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0On the way to their new home, six-year-old Adam asks his Pa some questions. One long, drawn out\u00a0Pa-Adam-Moment. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0 K+ (1,245 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/Young-Adam.png?fit=212%2C231&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":13666,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13666","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":3},"title":"Fortuna Smiles (by faust)","author":"faust","date":"January 17, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for the prompt: Adam wins the lottery. And that's all there is to it. 800 words, rated K+ Part of the Art-Universe, links to stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Adam Cartwright"","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3772,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3772","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":4},"title":"The Talk (by Meg)","author":"Meg","date":"April 26, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Adam thinks he should give his fourteen year old sister Amelia the \u201cBirds and the Bees\u201d talk after seeing her and her boyfriend becoming closer. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 (4,215 words) Amelia Series, links to all the stories within the series are included.","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza7.jpg?fit=720%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13012,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13012","url_meta":{"origin":2949,"position":5},"title":"A Brady Bonanza (by Robin)","author":"profrobinw","date":"May 5, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0A Brady Bunch Carwright Clan crossover story Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0 (4,360 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Crossover"","block_context":{"text":"Crossover","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/ARLE-e1497282889671.png?fit=570%2C416&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2949","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/20"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2949"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2949\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3027"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2949"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2949"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2949"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}