Summary:\u00a0 An old friend has a favor to ask of Adam, with consequences neither of them will ever forget.<\/p>\n
MA rated<\/p>\n
5330 words<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Secret<\/strong><\/p>\n How had he come to be here?\u00a0 It still felt like a dream, even though the woman lying beside him was as real as he was.\u00a0 How had they ended up like this, in a strange town, in the same bed?\u00a0 Another man\u2019s wife.\u00a0 His for a few days only.<\/p>\n A shaft of early morning sunlight found its way through a small gap between the curtains. Her hair was a mesh of gold against the whiteness of the pillow.\u00a0 He resisted the urge to touch the ivory-paleness of her exposed shoulder.\u00a0 She was still sleeping. He didn\u2019t want to wake her.\u00a0 He wanted to lie here beside her and wonder at her loveliness and the odd turn of events that had brought them together.<\/p>\n It had all begun with an unexpected note from an old friend, Dan Henson.\u00a0 Once upon a time, he and Dan had been as close as brothers, but after Dan\u2019s mother died, and then his father, Dan, by then a talented artist, sold up the family businesses and went travelling, in pursuit of his dream of becoming a painter.\u00a0 He and Adam had stayed in touch, writing regularly to each other.\u00a0 Then, three years ago, Dan had headed back to Nevada, buying land at Lake\u2019s Crossing and building a house there, complete with studio.\u00a0 Adam was invited to visit, to see the new house and all the treasures Dan had brought back with him from his travels.\u00a0 Little did Adam suspect that the biggest treasure of them all would be Dan\u2019s new bride, Cathy.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think then, Adam?\u201d Dan had asked, eyes aglow with pride, face split ear to ear by a grin of such delight, it made Adam laugh out loud.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you\u2019re a dark horse, Dan Hanson!\u00a0 Not a word of this in your letters.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to surprise you.\u00a0 I succeeded, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 It\u2019s not often that happens, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n When Cathy disappeared into the kitchen to bring a tray of coffee, Dan laid a hand on Adam\u2019s arm suddenly earnest. \u201cWhat do you really think, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n What did he really think?\u00a0 He was pleased, of course he was.\u00a0 For that aura of contentment glowing in his friend\u2019s face; that sense of completeness that seemed to radiate out from him, like heat from a fire.\u00a0 What he couldn\u2019t explain to Dan – or even to himself at that crucial moment \u2013 was the stab of pain in his own middle as he watched Cathy set the coffee on the table, her cheeks as velvet soft as rose petals, her hair the color of ripe barley.\u00a0 And when she smiled in his direction, the pain only intensified.<\/p>\n As he rode home, he told himself it was because he was envious of Dan\u2019s good fortune.\u00a0 Dan had managed to achieve what he, Adam, so far had not.\u00a0 Dan had found a woman who loved him enough to commit herself to him forever; he had found that oneness with another that Adam longed to find; that sense of mutual belonging and unconditional trust; that sense of purpose that came from having someone to look after; and the pleasure of knowing there was somebody who felt the same way about him.<\/p>\n All that was true, certainly.\u00a0 What was harder to admit to himself was that the niggling dissatisfaction inside of him went deeper than a general discontent with his own bachelorhood.\u00a0 The plain truth was, when he had first laid eyes on Cathy, his heart had sped up of its own accord, and his blood had raced hot in his veins.\u00a0 Even now, thinking about her \u2013 the soft golden waves of her hair, the sparkle in her forget-me-not blue eyes, the smiling tilt of her gentle mouth, the delicate whiteness of her slender wrists as she set the tray on the table and poured the coffee.\u00a0 He had not been able to drag his eyes away.<\/p>\n It would not do.\u00a0 Lusting after the wife of one of his oldest friends was completely unacceptable.\u00a0 He was a strong-minded man.\u00a0 He would nip this weakness in the bud.\u00a0 Dan\u2014and Cathy\u2014would never have occasion to doubt his loyalty.\u00a0 There would be no compromise.\u00a0 And in the meantime, his own soul mate was out there somewhere, just waiting for him to find her.<\/p>\n The months passed.\u00a0 Life on the Ponderosa was busy and opportunities to socialize limited.\u00a0 He saw Dan and Cathy a few times.\u00a0 Each time his heart made that familiar jump, beating that little bit faster.\u00a0 But he was adept at hiding his feelings, and stern with himself.<\/p>\n And then had come that unexpected twist of fate.<\/p>\n Dan came to see him.\u00a0 Alone.\u00a0 Adam made a conscious effort to suppress his disappointment when he realized there was no one in the buggy alongside his friend.<\/p>\n \u201cDan.\u00a0 This is a pleasant surprise.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t expecting you today.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 There was an uncharacteristic uncertainty about the smile of greeting on Dan\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose I should have written or wired\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs everything all right?\u00a0 Is Cathy all right?\u201d\u00a0 Adam tried to keep the sudden alarm out of his voice.<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Yes, we\u2019re fine.\u00a0 Cathy\u2019s fine.\u201d\u00a0 Dan\u2019s smile took on a fixed appearance.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re both fine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood.\u201d\u00a0 Adam gave him a hard look.\u00a0 He\u2019d known Dan long enough to sense when something was troubling him.<\/p>\n \u201cYour Pa around?\u00a0 Or Hoss?\u00a0 Little Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2019s had to go into town for a meeting with Hiram.\u00a0 Hoss and Joe headed out a while back to fix some fences on the lower pasture.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan\u2019s face relaxed a little.\u00a0 \u201cJust you then?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust me.\u00a0 How about some coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n They sat on the porch to drink their coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cSomething on your mind?\u201d Adam asked.\u00a0 So far they\u2019d only made the usual small talk, but Dan was obviously preoccupied with something far weightier than everyone\u2019s general health and the unseasonably cool weather.<\/p>\n Dan put down his coffee cup, staring at the half-finished contents for a long moment, before picking it up again and turning it round in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 He took a breath and turned his gaze across the yard to the barn.\u00a0 Then he took another breath and looked back at the coffee cup in his hands.\u00a0 Another pause and he set the cup back on its saucer, finally meeting Adam\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYes, there is.\u00a0 It\u2019s\u2026it\u2019s a little awkward.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s to do with\u2026me\u2026and Cathy.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s heart made the little jump it always did when he heard Cathy\u2019s name, but this time it was accompanied by a sudden apprehension.\u00a0 His face must have betrayed his concern because Dan hurried on, \u201cOh, no, there\u2019s nothing wrong between us.\u00a0 Nothing like that.\u00a0 At least\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n He hesitated again, then took another deep breath.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve known each other a long time, haven\u2019t we, Adam?\u00a0 We used to share secrets with each other when we were just boys, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI remember.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan nodded.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve never let me down.\u00a0 I trust you, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam frowned. His heart was beating harder than it normally would.\u00a0 He\u2019d always been adept at masking his feelings; surely Dan hadn\u2019t noticed that quickening in his blood when Cathy was around.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s something I need to ask you.\u00a0 And it\u2019s kind of a weird request.\u201d\u00a0 Dan gave a nervous laugh.\u00a0 \u201cPromise you\u2019ll think about it before you answer.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s brow furrowed deeper.\u00a0 \u201cI promise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight.\u00a0 Well, the fact is, Cathy and I\u2026we\u2019d very much like to\u2026start a family.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam nodded in what he hoped was an encouraging fashion.<\/p>\n \u201cCathy especially.\u00a0 You know, being a woman and everything, it means a lot to her.\u00a0 But\u2026it\u2019s just\u2026well, the truth is, Adam, it\u2019s just not happening.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan\u2019s face reddened.\u00a0 It was Adam\u2019s turn to stare down into his coffee cup.\u00a0 To fill the awkward silence, he said, \u201cIt\u2019s not been that long yet, Dan.\u00a0 Maybe you just need a little more time.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cThat won\u2019t help.\u00a0 There\u2019s\u2026a problem.\u00a0 With me.\u00a0 I\u2026er\u2026I have this\u2026condition.\u00a0 I can\u2019t\u2026.\u201d\u00a0 His face twisted with the pain of embarrassment, \u201cI can\u2019t\u2026you know\u2026keep things up long enough to do what needs to be done, if you see what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s cheeks were burning by then too.\u00a0 \u201cOh,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI see.\u00a0 Have you\u2026have you talked to a doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u00a0 Nothing anyone can do.\u201d<\/p>\n They were both silent for a long moment, then Adam let out a long breath.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say, buddy.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan lifted one shoulder in a shrug of acknowledgement.\u00a0 Once again he raised his eyes to Adam\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cThe thing is, Adam, Cathy and I, we\u2019ve been talking and I\u2026we\u2026wondered if maybe\u2026.\u201d\u00a0 Dan sounded as if he was having to force the words out.\u00a0 \u201cWould you be willing\u2026to help?\u201d<\/p>\n Shocked realization gradually dawned in Adam\u2019s startled brain.\u00a0 He shut his mouth without even being aware that it had dropped open.<\/p>\n Help?<\/em>\u00a0 Neither of them seemed to want to put into words the momentous thing Dan was proposing. \u00a0Finally, Adam found himself stammering, \u201cAre you suggesting that I\u2026 that Cathy and I\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n Dan cleared his throat but his voice, when it came out, was still husky.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s no one else I\u2019d trust, Adam.\u00a0 But I trust you.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Cathy? How does she feel about this?\u201d<\/p>\n Dan wrinkled his face.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ve talked it over a lot.\u00a0 \u2018Happy\u2019 isn\u2019t the word I\u2019d choose.\u00a0 But she trusts you too.\u00a0 And more than anything, she wants a child.\u201d<\/p>\n xXx<\/p>\n It hadn\u2019t seemed real: arranging the time and the place, and all the small details so that no one would suspect; making their separate ways to a town neither of them knew.\u00a0 Adam had arrived first, a long twenty hours before the stagecoach that brought Cathy from Lake\u2019s Crossing.\u00a0 He had already checked them into the hotel as Mr. and Mrs. Whitley.\u00a0 For the next three days, Cathy would be \u201chis wife\u201d, a thought that appalled and excited him in equal measures.<\/p>\n Taking her gloved hand to help her down from the stagecoach, enquiring after her journey, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on her pale cheek, taking up her luggage, they were all things any solicitous husband might do, so why did it feel as if the eyes of the entire town were trained on them and seeing straight through their pretense?\u00a0 Cathy looked neat and demure in her dark travelling suit, her wavy hair bound tightly beneath her hat.\u00a0 The smile she gave him as he handed her down was for appearance\u2019s sake only, taut and brief.\u00a0 Her eyes were dark in her pale face as though she had not slept in a while.<\/p>\n \u201cI hope you approve,\u201d he said as he ushered her into the room he\u2019d booked for them.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s the best room they have.\u201d<\/p>\n Again the bleak smile.\u00a0 Her troubled gaze took in the Turkish rug, the satin curtains, the velvet sofa, the walnut table complete with a large vase of fresh flowers, and hovered hesitantly over the big bed with its embroidered quilt.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s lovely,\u201d she said, her voice flat and emotionless.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t often Adam was unsure of himself but this situation was so far from normal, neither of them was sure what they should do next.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll want to freshen up after your journey,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t I take a walk round town while you do that, and come back in time to take you to dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll ask them to send up some hot water.\u00a0 What about some tea?\u00a0 Would you like that?\u201d<\/p>\n She managed another of the wan smiles.\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d she said again in that same tight voice.\u00a0 \u201cThat would be lovely.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded and hesitated.\u00a0 \u201cAnything else?\u201d<\/p>\n She hesitated too then shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u00a0 That\u2019s all fine.\u201d\u00a0 As he made to leave, she suddenly added, all in a rush, \u201cAdam thank you for organizing\u2014” she waved her hand at the room around her \u201c\u2014all this.\u201d<\/p>\n He smiled, hoping the trepidation wasn\u2019t as visible on his face as it was on hers.\u00a0 \u201cSee you in a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n He\u2019d been worried dinner together that first evening would be an awkward affair.\u00a0 In the event, it went better than he\u2019d dared hope.\u00a0 They both drank a lot of wine; that seemed to help.\u00a0 They talked about the past, their childhoods, their families, and about Adam and Dan\u2019s friendship.\u00a0 As they talked, Cathy\u2019s pale cheeks took on a little color, her smile regained its natural warmth and the light brightened in her eyes so that he found himself once more wishing she could have been his.\u00a0 Properly.\u00a0 The way she was Dan\u2019s.\u00a0 The wine, along with her loveliness and the knowledge of what they were there to do, were having other effects on him too.\u00a0 She was Dan\u2019s wife, he reminded himself sternly.\u00a0 He was there to bed her certainly, but not to fall in love with her.<\/p>\n Cathy ate little.\u00a0 Her cheeks flushed deeper as she drained her third glass of wine.\u00a0 Dessert came and went and the conversation slowed and faltered as the moment of truth drew near.\u00a0 Swallowing the last of his own drink, Adam broached the subject both of them had so far avoided.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about you go up and get ready and I\u2019ll have a brandy in the lounge?\u201d<\/p>\n She seemed grateful for the reprieve.\u00a0 He went through the lobby to the lounge and downed two brandies while he watched the minutes tick by on the big clock on the mantelpiece.\u00a0 How long did a woman need to prepare herself?\u00a0 Was half an hour long enough?\u00a0 Maybe it was too long.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to leave her waiting in an agony of apprehension.\u00a0 And there was his own predicament to be considered.\u00a0 The longer he sat there thinking about what was about to happen, the more uncomfortable his own anticipation became, manifesting itself physically to a point where simply climbing the stairs with any degree of dignity was going to be a challenge.<\/p>\n She was sitting on the side of the bed when he came into the room, pushing the door to behind him.\u00a0 The lamp was turned down and she had on a nightgown and a robe over the top.\u00a0 Her golden hair fell loose around her shoulders and her slender feet were bare, so that he caught his breath at her delicate vulnerability.<\/p>\n He must have stood there, his back to the door, for longer than he realized because she raised her head to look at him and actually smiled.\u00a0 Not the stiff little smile she\u2019d used when she climbed down from the stage, but a genuine smile, touched with sadness, but real all the same.<\/p>\n \u201cAwkward, isn\u2019t it?\u201d she said.<\/p>\n He smiled too and nodded.\u00a0 Without moving from the door, he said, \u201cDo you still want to do this?\u00a0 It\u2019s not too late, if you want to change your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n She didn\u2019t respond immediately, then she shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cNo, I don\u2019t want to change my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n He waited a moment more then crossed to the sofa.\u00a0 He took off his tie and jacket, and draped them over the back of the sofa, pausing with his back to her, acutely aware of the straining bulge at the front of his pants.\u00a0 Was it a good thing or a bad thing?\u00a0 It felt absurdly like bad manners to reveal his condition to her.\u00a0 Would it reassure or terrify her if she noticed?\u00a0 If she noticed!\u00a0 <\/em>How would she not<\/em> notice since it felt as if he had a tent pole in his trousers?<\/p>\n There was a changing screen in the corner of the room.\u00a0 Still with his back to her, he crossed to the press where he\u2019d left his nightshirt, took it out and slipped behind the screen to undress.\u00a0 Maybe the offending article would be less visible beneath the loose nightshirt, he thought hopefully.\u00a0 But as the folds of fabric settled around him, he could see it was still blatantly obvious.\u00a0 Well, it couldn\u2019t be helped.\u00a0 He drew a deep breath and stepped out into the room.<\/p>\n She\u2019d shed the dressing robe and was already in the bed, the lace edging around the neck of her nightdress accentuating the fragile whiteness of her face.\u00a0 He climbed in beside her, for all the world as though they were an old married couple.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t lit the night light because he imagined they might both find it easier to complete their task in the darkness, so when he turned out the lamp, thankful blackness enveloped the room.<\/p>\n If only there had been some clear rules to follow.\u00a0 What did he do now?\u00a0 Should he just climb on top of her and do the deed?\u00a0 Like a bull at stud.\u00a0 What then?<\/p>\n One thing at a time, he told himself.\u00a0 The time to worry about afterwards was afterwards.\u00a0 He turned towards where she lay beside him in the darkness.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n He thought she nodded.\u00a0 It was hard to tell in the dark.\u00a0 Then, in a quiet voice, she said, \u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWould it be all right if\u2026if you kissed me?\u201d<\/p>\n An unexpected sense of relief washed through him.\u00a0 A way to begin the proceedings!\u00a0 He edged closer, sensing her turn towards him.\u00a0 Their lips met in a touch so soft it was barely a kiss, yet every nerve in his body tingled as if a shower of sparks had engulfed him.\u00a0 Again their mouths brushed, and again, then they were kissing the way he\u2019d dreamed of kissing her, with a hunger and a fervency he had imagined only he felt.\u00a0 And while he understood what was driving him, he could only wonder what was rousing her to such desperate intensity.\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t the moment to question.\u00a0 It was enough that the road ahead was suddenly a whole lot simpler.<\/p>\n When she turned her body so she was once again on her back, he knew what she was telling him, even though their mouths never parted.\u00a0 He had spent weeks wondering how they would ever arrive at this moment, but it was easy after all, and the release when it came was more than merely physical.\u00a0 There was an accompanying wave of huge relief that he had not let anyone down: not Dan, who had trusted him with the most precious thing he possessed; not Cathy, for whom the whole scenario must have been unimaginably difficult; and not himself, because he had secretly feared that the pressure might affect him, that guilt might hinder his performance, or stall it completely.<\/p>\n Cathy, who had lain still and quiet through the whole process, turned as he eased himself away from her and pulled back the covers to climb out of the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll sleep on the couch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do that.\u201d\u00a0 As he hesitated, she added, \u201cAnyway, after what we just did, it seems a little like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.\u201d<\/p>\n He smiled in the darkness, but he didn\u2019t lie down again.\u00a0 Not yet. \u201cYes,\u201d she said.\u00a0 Then, \u201cSurprisingly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t imagine how difficult this is for you.\u201d<\/p>\n She took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cI wasn\u2019t sure I could go through with it.\u00a0 For a long time.\u00a0 I feel bad too, for Dan.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019m sorry about that too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d she told him.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t need to be sorry for us.\u00a0 Not about that.\u00a0 I love Dan very much.\u00a0 It was just\u2026this one thing.\u00a0 We wanted a family so badly.\u00a0 If you had been anyone else, I\u2019m not sure\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n He waited for her to finish.\u00a0 When she didn\u2019t, he said, \u201cI\u2019ll take that as a compliment.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou should.\u00a0 Dan thinks a lot of you, you know.\u00a0 Obviously he does or he wouldn\u2019t\u2026.\u201d\u00a0 Again, she tailed off.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m pleased I was able to help,\u201d he said, and then with a little wince, \u201cThat didn\u2019t sound right, did it?\u201d<\/p>\n To his surprise, she gave a little giggle.\u00a0 \u201cNone of this sounds right,\u201d she pointed out.\u00a0 \u201cBut now\u2026 now that we\u2019ve come this far, it\u2019s easier.\u201d<\/p>\n He heard his own sense of relief echoed in her voice.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m glad,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI was worried you might resent me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u00a0 You were the right person.\u00a0 Dan trusts you and I trust you too.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you lie down?\u201d<\/p>\n Her hand closed around his arm and he gave into his weaker self and lay back down.\u00a0 He felt her turn and settle herself more comfortably.<\/p>\n \u201cGood night,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n She trusted him, just as she had said she did.\u00a0 The trouble was, could he trust himself?\u00a0 The idea of spending the whole night in such close proximity to her was already stirring fresh longing in him.\u00a0 Even though he could barely make out anything of her in the darkness, he was acutely aware of her presence, her nearness, her scent, her warmth.\u00a0 He remembered her realness beneath him, the sweetness of sliding himself inside her.\u00a0 Everything in him wanted to know her, all of her; to caress the whole of her body hidden beneath the nightgown, run his hands over the softness of her belly, her breasts, her thighs; to discover all the secret loveliness of her.<\/p>\n Get a grip<\/em>, he scolded himself.\u00a0 She\u2019s Dan\u2019s wife, not yours.\u00a0 You\u2019ve already had more than you ever dreamed was possible.<\/em><\/p>\n He must have dozed off eventually.\u00a0 How long for, he didn\u2019t know because when he opened his eyes again, the night was still velvet-dark around him.\u00a0 Although there were no sounds, he was aware without seeing, that Cathy was awake beside him, sitting up in bed, leaning on her drawn-up knees, a \u00a0hunched shape darker than the general blackness.<\/p>\n \u201cCathy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to wake you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry about that.\u00a0 Are you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes,\u201d she said, but something in the way she said it betrayed the tears in her voice.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d he said, softly, \u201cdon\u2019t be upset.\u00a0 This will all be over soon enough.\u201d<\/p>\n She didn\u2019t answer.\u00a0 He sat up in bed and put an arm around her hunched shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cThis is worse for you than for any of us.\u201d<\/p>\n He felt her shake her head.\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u00a0 No, it\u2019s not that.\u00a0 It\u2019s\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n He waited while she struggled to find the words to explain.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2026it\u2019s\u2026that\u2026it\u2019s that I feel bad that I\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n Betrayed Dan<\/em>, Adam wondered.\u00a0 Well, it was only natural.\u00a0 It troubled him too.\u00a0 He tightened his arm around her to reassure her.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2026I\u2026liked what you did,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n It took a moment for that to sink in.\u00a0 Even then, he couldn\u2019t think what to say.<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t think I would.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been living in dread but\u2026but you were so kind.\u00a0 So gentle.\u201d<\/p>\n Still he could think of nothing to say.<\/p>\n He felt her weight relax against him.\u00a0 \u201cIt seems wrong,\u201d she said, \u201cto\u2026to want you to do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n So close, he barely had to move his head before their mouths met.\u00a0 As one, they sank back down into the bed.<\/p>\n She must have turned her face to him because he could feel the feather brush of her breath on his lips.<\/p>\n xXx<\/p>\n And then, there he was, admiring her as she slept, in the small shaft of early morning light piercing the closed curtains, the urge to touch her gradually becoming too much to resist.\u00a0 She had been beautiful in the darkness, the feel of her soft flesh beneath his hands, beneath his lips, beneath his body.\u00a0 Now, with the ray of sunlight kissing her hair, she was unbearably lovely.\u00a0 He reached out with his hand, gently drawing down the sheet from her half-exposed shoulder until he could see the creamy roundness of her breasts beneath her folded arm.\u00a0 Lightly he traced the curve of her flesh with one fingertip until he touched the little round nub of her nipple.<\/p>\n Her eyes fluttered open.\u00a0 He drew his hand back, but when she smiled a sleepy smile, he let his finger slide down again to the hardening tip.<\/p>\n \u201cSo beautiful,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cAgain,\u201d she murmured, rolling onto her back and pushing off the blankets.<\/p>\n He needed no second asking.<\/p>\n xXx<\/p>\n After breakfast, they went for a walk around the town, arm in arm, like any respectable couple.\u00a0 Over coffee, they giggled together that no one suspected they were anything other than that.\u00a0 They were comfortable now in each other\u2019s presence, but that comfort was charged with an undercurrent of lust that neither of them wanted to admit, like a hunger only their bodies could sate.\u00a0 Once the coffee was drunk, it was as if a silent agreement was sealed between them.\u00a0 A shared urgency drove them back to their hotel room.\u00a0 Barely had Adam closed the door behind them before she was in his arms and he was pressing her against the wall, dragging each other\u2019s clothes open, before she had even taken off her hat.<\/p>\n They spent the afternoon in bed, eventually falling asleep, wrapped around each other, waking only just in time to make themselves respectable and go downstairs for dinner.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been like a dream,\u201d Adam said, later that night, as she lay curled in his right arm.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll always remember it that way.\u00a0 Like a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n Cathy smiled.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a good way to think of it.\u201d She turned her face up to him, suddenly serious.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, if this works\u2014if there\u2019s a child\u2014how will you feel about that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve thought about that a lot.\u00a0 If there\u2019s a child, it will be yours and Dan\u2019s.\u00a0 That was the agreement.\u00a0 I\u2019ll never make any claim on any of you, I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf it works, we\u2019ll be in your debt forever.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d he said, tightening his hand around her waist and grinning, \u201cyou won\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been very well paid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Whitley, you have no shame!\u201d she reprimanded him, rolling over so that the soft mounds of her breasts squashed themselves against his chest.\u00a0 \u201cMmmm,\u201d she went on, lifting her leg across him.\u00a0 She shifted her weight until she was astride him. \u201cWe haven\u2019t tried this yet, have we?\u201d<\/p>\n He pressed his head back in the pillow with a mock groan.\u00a0 \u201cAgain?\u00a0 You are insatiable, Mrs. Whitley!\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure how much more I have left in me.\u201d<\/p>\n xXx<\/p>\n It was almost three months later when Dan came to visit and share the news that Cathy was expecting.\u00a0 Pa was there when Dan made the announcement.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s wonderful news,\u201d he said, slapping Dan\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 He crossed the room to fetch his best whiskey in celebration.<\/p>\n \u201cIt certainly is,\u201d said Adam, aware that his heart was beating faster than it should have been.<\/p>\n \u201cHow is Cathy?\u201d asked Pa.<\/p>\n \u201cGood,\u201d said Dan.\u00a0 \u201cWell, tired and a little sick, but nothing out of the ordinary, or so the doc says.\u00a0 But she\u2019s happy.\u201d\u00a0 He glanced over at Adam, and as their eyes met, a light flush rose in Dan\u2019s cheeks.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re both very happy.\u201d<\/p>\n They drank the whiskey and then Dan and Adam walked together towards the corral.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2026er\u2026I never said thank you, did I?\u201d said Dan.<\/p>\n Adam turned his head towards the hills in the distance.\u00a0 \u201cNo need.\u00a0 I\u2019m just pleased\u2014relieved\u2014that it worked out well.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re a good friend, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe should forget about the past.\u00a0 This baby is yours and Cathy\u2019s and I\u2019m pleased for you both.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan\u2019s hand squeezed his arm.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re going to move back to San Francisco,\u201d he said then, all in a rush.<\/p>\n Adam paused in his stride to look at his friend directly for the first time since they\u2019d left the house.<\/p>\n \u201cCathy wants to have family around her.\u00a0 You know how it is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2026I just think\u2026\u201d Dan trailed off, floundering for the explanation.<\/p>\n \u201cI understand,\u201d said Adam, and when Dan looked doubtful, he went on, \u201cI do.\u00a0 I think you\u2019re right.\u00a0 It\u2019s for the best, putting that distance between us.\u00a0 Not for my sake.\u00a0 I made you a promise and I intend to keep it.\u00a0 But for you.\u00a0 And Cathy.\u00a0 A fresh start is a great idea.\u00a0 But I\u2019m going to miss you.\u00a0 I was just getting used to having you back.\u201d<\/p>\n They continued walking.\u00a0 After a moment, Dan said, \u201cThanks, Adam.\u00a0 We owe you a lot and we won\u2019t forget.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you should forget,\u201d Adam told him.\u00a0 \u201cJust make sure you stay in touch.\u00a0 Let me know how things go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI will,\u201d Dan promised.<\/p>\n He was as good as his word.\u00a0 Adam received a letter the next spring to tell him the baby had been born.\u00a0 It was a girl and they had named her Lydia and she and Cathy were both doing well.\u00a0 Adam had wondered often how he would feel when the baby was born, and he was relieved to find his overwhelming reaction was happiness for Dan and Cathy.\u00a0 Finally they had what they had so longed for.\u00a0 Of course, he couldn\u2019t help wondering if the child would grow to resemble him at all.\u00a0 Not that anyone but the three of them would ever know.\u00a0 Dan was dark-haired too; there was no reason anyone would ever suspect.\u00a0 Still, it felt strange to know he was a father and not to be able to share that knowledge with anyone, not even his family.\u00a0 The same old Adam, and yet changed in a way that must forever remain his closest secret.<\/p>\n He struggled most with trying to put from his mind the memories of his time with Cathy.\u00a0 The unreality of those strange few days did indeed play like a dream in his mind, a dream of such intensity and vividness, he could still smell the scent of her body, feel the silkiness of her skin, taste her warm breath on his lips.\u00a0 Mostly he remembered how, once the ice was broken, it was as if all inhibitions between them were abandoned, as if the awareness of how short a time they had to make the most of this freedom from normal rules and conventions, fueled them to a gluttony of desire he had never known with any other woman.<\/p>\n Did she remember it too, he wondered?\u00a0 Did she look at her child and recall their feverish, desperate need for each other between the walls of that hotel room?\u00a0 Did she recall it with shame or with the same longing that still burned in his belly?\u00a0 Part of him\u2014the sensible part\u2014said she would try to push it from her mind.\u00a0 She was a woman, the respectable wife of a respectable man.\u00a0 She had done what she did because there was no other way.\u00a0 Yet, another part of him remembered the flush of her cheeks and the hungry fire in her eyes as their bodies met.<\/p>\n Dan wrote several times over the next year or so, detailing how Lydia was growing, sitting up, playing with different toys; how she had started speaking, then learning to walk; how beautiful she was becoming, with her head of wavy golden hair, just like her mother\u2019s (Adam couldn\u2019t help but think Dan must have been relieved about that).\u00a0 Then, when Lydia was about fifteen months old, Adam came home to find an envelope waiting for him on the table, addressed in Dan\u2019s familiar handwriting.\u00a0 He opened it, looking forward to reading how family life was progressing, and what the little girl was doing now.<\/p>\n It seemed that Dan had bought a dog, a \u201cscruffy, hairy thing\u201d, and that child and dog had struck up an inseparable friendship.\u00a0 Several times, Dan had even found them curled up asleep together on the rug.\u00a0 Adam smiled to himself, picturing the scene.<\/p>\n The smile froze on his face as he read on.<\/p>\n \u201cIt has made us both think,\u201d wrote Dan, \u201cthat it would be perfect if Lydia had a little brother or sister to grow up alongside her.\u00a0 We had always thought one child would be enough to satisfy the need in us, but increasingly, we find we are talking wistfully of another.\u00a0 I write this to you, my friend, as you know how much I value your advice.\u00a0 We\u2019d both be very grateful to hear your thoughts.<\/p>\n \u201cWe await your response\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n
\n\u201cAre you all right?\u201d he asked again.<\/p>\n