Summary: Ben comes home to a comic crisis created by who else – his youngest son!\u00a0 Can he help him before the boy is buried alive?<\/p>\n
Word count: 1746<\/p>\n
Rated: G<\/p>\n
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\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Hop Sing?\u00a0 What<\/em> is going on?!\u201d<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright tried the door to his Ponderosa ranch house again.<\/p>\n It wouldn\u2019t budge.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing\u2019s not home, Pa.\u00a0 He went to visit cousin one-thousand and thirty-four who, by the way, is hosting a Sing family reunion.\u00a0 They\u2019re in San Francisco.\u00a0 It was the only place large enough to hold the gathering.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben whirled on his heel and glared at his eldest and somewhat smug son who \u2013 at thirty \u2013 seemed to think he was old enough to wipe his own nose and<\/em> lace up his chaps all by himself.<\/p>\n Kids!<\/p>\n \u201cAnd where have you<\/em> been?\u201d he demanded.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, let\u2019s see\u2026.\u00a0 I went to town to get the mail.\u00a0 Made it there and back in thirty minutes even though the round trip is forty miles and should have taken me four hours.\u00a0 Then, I realized I forgot to check in with Sheriff Roy like you asked about that band of renegade Indians and the dozen desperadoes that are in the area again<\/em> \u2013 not to mention the crazed psychopaths and gypsies who keep turning up like bad pennies around here \u2013 so I rode to town again and just got home.\u201d\u00a0 Adam removed his black hat and ran the sleeve of his black shirt along his forehead.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cIt was a long hot dusty road, Pa, and I\u2019m looking forward to a tall glass of lemonade.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSon?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMay I ask you a question?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSure?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR BLACK WHEN NEVADA IS HOT AS HELL IN THE SUMMERTIME?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Adam blinked.\u00a0 He looked at his clothing \u2013 black hat, black shirt, blacks boots and belt.<\/p>\n \u201cIt makes me look lean and mean?\u201d\u00a0 His son grinned.\u00a0 \u201cOr maybe sleek and sexy?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben sighed.\u00a0 Fashion.<\/p>\n You would have thought he was raising girls.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, take my advice and try a pair of light brown pants with a white shirt.\u00a0 The road won\u2019t be so long, hot, and dusty then.\u201d<\/p>\n His son shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cSo why were you yelling at the door?\u201d<\/p>\n Patience, Ben.\u00a0 Patience.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI wasn\u2019t \u2018yelling at <\/em>the door\u2019.\u00a0 I was yelling for<\/em> Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing isn\u2019t home \u2013 \u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know <\/em>that.\u00a0 Jumping Jehoshaphat!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI got a question, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat??\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid Jehoshaphat really jump all the time?\u00a0 I mean, he was an old man, wasn\u2019t he?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t that have hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben laid his head against the wood of the door and sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cI think it would work better if you used the latch, Pa.\u00a0 That\u2019s how you open doors.\u201d<\/p>\n The older man straightened up.\u00a0 He glared at his son – again – and then turned to the kitchen door. \u00a0Pulling himself up to his full and somewhat considerable height, Ben took hold of the latch, turned it and shoved in \u2013 so hard he fell into the room and toppled to the floor.<\/p>\n Adam used his black-clad lean mean sleek and sexy legs to step over him. \u00a0\u00a0As the furrows on Ben\u2019s brow took on epic proportions, his son shrugged.<\/p>\n \u201cJust going to get that lemonade.\u00a0 You want some?\u201d Adam winced.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m taking that as a \u2018no\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n The older man rose with what little dignity he had left and said, \u201cIf you know what is good for you, young <\/em>man, you will get out of my way.\u00a0 I am tired and hungry, and all I want at this moment is to pour myself a brandy and take a seat by the fire and put my feet up until someone puts some food on the table!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEr, that would be Hoss\u2019 job.\u00a0 He\u2019s \u00a0not home yet,\u201d Adam said as he filled a glass.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd just where is <\/em>your middle brother?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe had a long list, Pa,\u201d Adam said after taking a sip.\u00a0 \u201cFirst, he had to rescue several animals, nurse them back to health, and then take them back to their mamas.\u00a0 Then he loaded a wagon and headed to the local shelter to supply the homeless people there with food.\u00a0 Then he had to help the Widow Carter mend her fence.\u00a0 After that he came back here with a load, unloaded it, and then set off to get some more lemons.\u201d\u00a0 At his look, his son added, \u201cI\u2019m really thirsty.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s fingernails were digging ruts into the wood of Hop Sing\u2019s chopping block.<\/p>\n He eyed the ax but decided against using it.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd what has your youngest brother been doing?\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t he<\/em> cook supper?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam had gone for the cookies Hop Sing left on the tabletop, which were not going to keep those black-clad legs sleek and sexy for long.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know Joe.\u00a0 He\u2019s been in the house ever since Hoss dropped off that load for him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe load was for Little Joe?\u00a0 What was in it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have no<\/em> idea, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Adam grinned as he headed for the open door.\u00a0 \u201cBut it was a big <\/em>one!\u201d<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Even though it felt like taking his life in his hands, Ben headed for the great room.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t take long to figure out why he couldn\u2019t open the door \u2013 there were clothes piled up against it.<\/p>\n In fact, there was clothing everywhere!<\/p>\n His youngest son, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n The pile by his late wife\u2019s settee shifted.\u00a0 A second later a tousled head of chestnut curls appeared.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n The room was a complete and total disaster.\u00a0 By the front door was a waist-high pile of pants: black pants, tan pants, dark and light gray pants. There was even a pair of tartan trews that he was sure he did not <\/em>want to know about!\u00a0 On the dining room table was another mound, this time of shirts \u2013 blue, white, red and black checked, light brown and dark.\u00a0 Ben looked up.\u00a0 Hanging from the rafters were dozens of neck ties, every color of the rainbow.\u00a0 The deer\u2019s head was wearing several vests.\u00a0 And the pile of clothing Joseph was buried in?\u00a0 Coats.\u00a0 Blue corduroy coats.\u00a0 Gray corduroy coats.\u00a0 Green corduroy coats.<\/p>\n What was it about corduroy?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t the boy know it was blazing hot in Nevada?<\/p>\n Last of all came the boots.\u00a0 There were so many boots on the hearth \u2013 black, brown and tan \u2013 they could have supplied an army.<\/p>\n \u201cJumping Jehoshaphat, boy!\u00a0 What in the Sam Hill is going on??!!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe wrinkled his face to the right.\u00a0 \u201cYou sure do keep that Jehoshaphat guy leapin\u2019, Pa.\u00a0 Did he ever win any medals?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s eyes narrowed.\u00a0 His calloused hands turned into fists.\u00a0 Steam was rising, but not quite blowing out of his ears.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u00a0 I\u2026asked\u2026you\u2026a\u2026question.\u00a0 Why\u2026is\u2026all\u2026this\u2026clothing\u2026in\u2026my\u2026house???!!!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n His son\u2019s face wrinkled to the left.\u00a0 \u201cYou told me I couldn\u2019t leave<\/em> the house!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told you to stay home and get some work done!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stood and, after casting off the cavalcade of coats, came to his side. \u00a0He threw his arms wide, encompassing the room \u2013 and all the clothes. \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m just doing what you told me.\u00a0 I tell you, Pa, I never knew how hard pickin\u2019 out a wardrobe could be.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lot<\/em> of work!\u00a0 You gotta consider all kinds of things.\u00a0 You know, that blue coat?\u00a0 Well, it doesn\u2019t set off my eyes, but that waistband sure makes my hips look trim.\u00a0 And that gray one?\u00a0 It makes my hair looks darker, so I kind of look dangerous.\u201d\u00a0 He winked.\u00a0 \u201cKind of like one of those desperadoes that seem to settle on the Ponderosa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe bounded across the room to grab the green coat. \u00a0When he returned, he held it up to his face. \u00a0\u201cThis one, Pa, apple green corduroy?\u00a0 It sets off my eyes.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben drew in a breath.\u00a0 His son definitely did not <\/em>want to know what he was thinking at this moment.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy\u2026corduroy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWHY <\/em>corduroy?\u00a0 Joseph, you live in Nevada.\u00a0 It\u2019s hot!!\u201d<\/p>\n Little Joe\u2019s mobile eyebrows leapt toward the curls dangling down in front of those green eyes.\u00a0 \u201cOlder brother wears corduroy when it\u2019s hot.\u201d<\/p>\n Good Lord, he did.<\/p>\n Had he bred idiots?<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa.\u00a0 There\u2019s just something about the way it fits.\u201d\u00a0 His son flipped the coat over his head and thrust his arms into it.\u00a0 Then he paraded back and forth in front of the settee.\u00a0 \u201cSee?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben gripped the bridge of his nose.\u00a0 His patience wasn\u2019t wearing out.<\/p>\n It was worn through!<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you will gather up all of this clothing and send it back to the mercantile.\u201d<\/p>\n Those brown brows took a dip, just like a naked boy in a pond.<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u00a0 But Pa, I won\u2019t have anything to wear!\u201d<\/p>\n Ben eyed the piles.\u00a0 \u201cWell, then, pick one outfit and only<\/em> one and send the others <\/em>back.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOne<\/em> outfit, Pa?\u00a0 Won\u2019t it get worn out if I wear it every day?\u00a0 How about two \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cONE and only one.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Joe gulped. \u00a0\u201cCan I get more than one set?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can get as many sets as you want, but I want you to chose one outfit and wear it until you are old and gray.\u00a0 I am done with all of this!\u00a0 I\u2019ve been through this two times before and I am done!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Little Joe\u2019s brows couldn\u2019t dip any further, so they rose again.\u00a0 \u201cTwo times?\u00a0 You mean with Adam and Hoss?\u00a0 Is that<\/em> why Adam and Hoss always wear the same clothes?\u00a0 I thought they were just, well, boring like you.\u201d\u00a0 At his look the boy winced, \u201cSorry, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, a man has a lot of decisions to make in a day and he needs to concentrate on the things that are important.\u00a0 If there is <\/em>no decision to be made when he goes to get dressed, it makes his life \u2013 and the lives of everyone around<\/em> him<\/em> \u2013 simpler.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo\u2026you mean I gotta send it all back but one shirt, one pair of pants, one coat, one pair of boots, and \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n \u201cYes, that<\/em> is precisely what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s green eyes roamed the room.\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cHow long do I get to decide?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCHOOSE NOW!!!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Later that night, Ben Cartwright put his feet up, leaned back in his favorite chair \u2013 brandy in hand \u2013 and surveyed his beautifully clean and mercifully empty great room.<\/p>\n He let out a sigh.<\/p>\n In the end Joseph chose the green corduroy jacket and a very smart pair of tan pants with a brown shirt to live in until he died.\u00a0 As the piles of cast-off clothing were re-boxed and loaded into the wagon, and his three sons went about their business, the older man remembered something his father had told him when he was a young man dallying over dress.<\/p>\n Keep it simple.<\/p>\n Never wear anything that will frighten the cat.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tags: Little Joe, Ben, Hoss, Adam, family, humor, comedy<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n