{"id":3103,"date":"2011-04-24T22:46:43","date_gmt":"2011-04-25T02:46:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3103"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:23:28","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:23:28","slug":"childless-horror","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3103","title":{"rendered":"Childless Horror (by Camera Chic)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>Little Joe has been kidnapped by a mean man and his ill wife. As he tries to deal with captivity, Adam, newly home from college, searches for his little brother whom he hasn’t seen since before he left for college. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T (25,335)
\n<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Childless Horror<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

\u201cLittle Joe? Little Joe!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe! Where are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I can\u2019t find him!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, check over that way, down where the ships are. Hoss, go that way, where there are more people. Maybe he went that way. Maybe someone saw him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcuse, me\u2026have you seen a little boy\u2026? My son, my son is lost\u2026he\u2019s ten\u2026brown hair\u2026have you seen him? Has anyone seen him? Has anybody seen him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam jerked up with a gasp, throwing aside the blankets and struggling for air, completely disoriented. Strange shapes stared back at him from the dark; they were lighter, darker, different than their surroundings, making them visible to him. Bigger, shorter, father away and wrong. Just wrong. This wasn\u2019t his room\u2026But then, as the terror of the dream faded and his eyes adjusted, he realized that it was his room. His room here, at home on the Ponderosa, not his room at school. He sank back against the headboard, closing his eyes; but then, as the details of the nightmare came rushing back, he sat up again with a gasp.\u00a0If only it had been just a dream.<\/p>\n

But then, as the terror of the dream faded and his eyes adjusted, he realized that it was his room. His room here, at home on the Ponderosa, not his room at school. He sank back against the headboard, closing his eyes; but then, as the details of the nightmare came rushing back, he sat up again with a gasp.\u00a0<\/span>If only it had been just a dream.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Adam knocked the rest of the covers aside, and then stood and went to the pitcher of water on the other side of the room. He poured himself a glass, and drank the whole thing. Only when he turned around did he realize his father had entered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI heard you yell, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose I did, Pa. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d Adam walked back to his bed, where he scooped the blankets off the floor. Looking up at his father, he asked, \u201cDid I wake you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben shook his head. \u201cNo\u2026I haven\u2019t slept.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

No one had. The last six weeks had been wrenching, endless nights of worry, nightmares, and questions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Who? For what reason? If only\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

If only.<\/span><\/p>\n

If only Adam had arrived sooner. An hour. One hour was the difference between sweeping the brother whom he hadn\u2019t seen in over four years into a hug, and searching for a child who had disappeared. If only\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sank onto his bed, and then reached out and picked up one of the little wooden figures from his nightstand. He had brought the carved horses back as a present for his youngest brother. Ben had written often of the happenings on the Ponderosa, and as the stack of letters on Adam\u2019s desk grew, so also did Joe\u2019s apparent love of horses. The letters told of Joe\u2019s skill at riding, his increasing ability to handle difficult horses, his diligence in helping Hoss care for the sick animals, and even his disobedience- like the time he tried to ride a wild horse by himself and without telling anyone. His injuries weren\u2019t life-threatening, and the few hands who had witnessed the incident were awed by his raw talent; still, punishment had been necessary, even if not severe. He had only broken his arm. It could have been his neck. He was too light to be a burden on the horse\u2019s back, too small to take the horse under control. Much to his fury, he just wasn\u2019t big enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sat down next to him, picking up one of the other pieces. \u201cThese are perfect. He\u2019d love them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam noticed the way his father spoke. The way they all did, and the way they thought. They couldn\u2019t accept that he was gone, really and truly gone and they would never see him again. The few times any such thoughts of that sort had crept into Adam\u2019s conscious, he angrily pushed them away. There was no body; his brother hadn\u2019t died. And as long as he was still alive, there was hope. There was.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen does your friend arrive in San Francisco?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam forced himself out of his thoughts, and set the little horse down again. \u201cNext Thursday, according to his letter. Pa\u2026\u201d He wanted to say it, to tell his father what he had been thinking. He tried many times, but even now he couldn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t want to say it, to see the pain in his father\u2019s face when he told him even though his friend was a very good private detective, there was no guarantee. A child who disappears in San Francisco, the busiest city in the west\u2026well, it wasn\u2019t going to be easy to find any traces. How many people had come and gone in the few hours time, and how many of them would even remember a child crying out for his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked at his father. Tears pricked the older man\u2019s eyes, and the pain was evident in his expression. Ben placed his hand on Adam\u2019s leg, and Adam could almost feel his sorrow in the touch.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026I don\u2019t have\u2026unreasonable expectations. I know\u2026\u201d his voice faltered, and he paused for a moment. \u201cI know there is very little hope, but\u2026we must try. We can\u2019t just give up, letting him disappear without a trace. I know it is slim, but if there\u2019s a chance\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s always a chance,\u201d Adam interjected quickly, wanting so much to relieve him from this hurt. Ben nodded slightly, and then stood up. \u201cPa\u2026I\u2019m going with Matt. I\u2019m going to help him search.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben nodded again. He knew Adam would go, and as much as he wished he could go with them, his presence was required on the ranch after having been away for so long. He almost wished he could keep Adam here, even though he knew there would be no stopping him. The thought of either of his older sons out of sight right now\u2026.<\/span><\/p>\n

Still, Adam was a man. An adult, able to take care of himself as he had for the past four years. Thinking of that gave Ben a tiny twinge of regret. All of Adam\u2019s achievements, his growth, joys and pains of the last few years had been pushed aside in the last few weeks. There hadn\u2019t been any time to ask about his son, now that he was so much older and more grown up. Ben could see it; and if the circumstances had been different he would have delighted in discovering the details of the last four years of his son\u2019s life. That Adam\u2019s accomplishments had been pushed aside so swiftly, yet necessarily\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI never even asked how your trip went.\u201d Somehow, it was easier to say what had been on his mind now, in the darkness, rather than during the day when the harshness of sunlight would have made the conversation unbearable. \u201cI hope you don\u2019t think I am ignorant to all that you\u2019ve done\u2026all you\u2019ve accomplished with your life.\u201d Ben looked at him. \u201cI am proud of you, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Pa,\u201d Adam replied softly. \u201cIt\u2019s all right. There will be time for that later.\u201d Adam could say it easily, because it was something he had thought about before, much to his shame at the time. His father had barely acknowledged his achievements and his hard work, all because of his brother. His own, dear brother, who, as Ben had informed him in letters, was excitedly and impatiently waiting Adam\u2019s return.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had been looking forward to seeing him, seeing the young man he was becoming, seeing the look of love and pride in his eyes when he stepped off the stage. Little Joe owned him with that look. If he ever turned away in disappointment, it would break Adam\u2019s heart.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTry to get some sleep, son,\u201d Ben said, patting Adam\u2019s shoulder as he turned away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Pa,\u201d Adam murmured as he adjusted the blankets, and then lay down. He could tell by the birds outside that morning was coming. It was still dark, but in a few hours would be dawn and the start of another endless day. He needed action, he needed to do something. Any action was a step closer to discovering what had happened to his brother.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe watched as the rider in the distance came closer. His heart started to race a little faster as hope swelled in his chest. After a few moments it died just as quickly as it formed. The man must have noticed him, because he reined in, looking at the house for a couple seconds, then turned towards it. He pulled to a stop near the porch where Joe was seated. \u201cWhat the hell are you doing out here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t bring himself to look up at him. \u201cI\u2019m being punished,\u201d he said, barely above a whisper. \u201cShe told me to wait here until you got home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli dismounted, and Joe fought against the urge to get up and run. He\u2019d only been hit by him a few times, but Joe knew what he had done was worse than anything he\u2019d been punished for before. The man grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. \u201cWhat did you do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d the female voice came from the house behind them. \u201cNo,\u201d she almost begged, going up to Eli and grabbing his arm. \u201cHe didn\u2019t do anything wrong, please don\u2019t hurt him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did he do, Beth?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Beth stared up at him, tears in her eyes. \u201cPlease, Eli\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBoy, tell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew there was no use fighting it, and that if he got caught lying it would be worse. \u201cI was rude to her, sir,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cAnd I refused to do my chores.\u201d Joe\u2019s goal had been to get her so frustrated with him, that she would make her husband take him back to San Francisco. She had been the one who found Joe after he got lost, and she had begged Eli to take Joe with them. He did anything she asked.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The man was silent for a few seconds. \u201cIt\u2019s no wonder your family abandoned you,\u201d he finally said. \u201cI would have too if my child was willful and useless.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe dropped his head. \u201cBut they didn\u2019t,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you dare talk back to me,\u201d Eli replied, his tone low and threatening. Joe stepped back, looking up at the large man in fear, waiting to see if he would retaliate in some way; but instead of raising a hand, the man just gave him a look of disgust. \u201cYou\u2019re nothing but a worthless brat. It\u2019s your own fault your father left you. Maybe if you\u2019d learned to bite your tongue and do as you were told, it wouldn\u2019t have happened. I don\u2019t blame him one bit for leaving you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes started to burn with angry tears as the pain of the man\u2019s words cut through him. He fought desperately to keep the man from seeing just how much those words hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know my wife is ill. Why would you deliberately try to hurt her? Do you want to make her sicker?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2026I\u2019m sorry\u2026\u201d Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGo to your room and wait there.\u201d The fury in Eli\u2019s voice was unmistakable.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slipped past Beth and inside to the room that had been designated as his, with the latch on the outside of the door to lock it and the stopped window that only opened a few inches. He sank onto the pile of blankets on the floor that served as his bed. It was hopeless. There wasn\u2019t anything left to do. Being troublesome hadn\u2019t earned him freedom; instead, all it did was get him punished.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He was getting tired of fighting, and of getting beaten, but he couldn\u2019t stop. Not when his family was out there, somewhere, looking for him he was sure. He didn\u2019t care how many times Eli said they had left him deliberately in the city\u2026he would never believe him. His father wouldn\u2019t do that\u2026he loved him too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat up as he heard footsteps coming down the hall. The door swung open, and Eli stepped in, the strap in his hand. Joe stared at him, waiting for instructions either to stand up, or go outside to the barn, depending on how bad the tanning was to be. \u201cFrom now on,\u201d the man said, \u201cWhenever I\u2019m gone, you\u2019re going to be locked in this room. I see now I can\u2019t trust you to be respectful when I\u2019m away. My wife told me you\u2019re rude to her every time I\u2019m gone. She\u2019s not well, and I will not put up with you treating her like this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe whispered, terror of being shut up for days at a time building. \u201cI won\u2019t do it again\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right you won\u2019t. Once I\u2019m through with you, you won\u2019t even think about talking back to her. Go to the barn.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe dropped his gaze, and then quickly slipped past Eli out the door.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s still crying.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked up from his book at Hoss, whom he hadn\u2019t noticed come into the room. He glanced upwards, where the cries of their little brother were still loud. He looked back as Hoss climbed onto the settee next to him. \u201cI could tell. Did he wake you up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Is there something wrong with him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, of course not,\u201d Adam replied. \u201cBabies cry a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I cry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot that much,\u201d Adam said with a smile. \u201cYou were a pretty happy baby as I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

The crying grew louder, and both of them looked up to see their father carrying their little brother downstairs. \u201cYour mother\u2019s trying to get some rest,\u201d he explained. Adam studied his father\u2019s face- the dark circles under his eyes and tired lines on his forehead.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019ll take him. Why don\u2019t you get some rest too,\u201d Adam said, standing up and reaching for Joseph. Ben hesitated for a second, and then handed the baby to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t stay up too late with him,\u201d Ben said. \u201cWake me up when you\u2019re ready to go to bed.\u201d Adam smiled slightly, knowing full well he wouldn\u2019t disturb his parents for at least several hours; not until Joseph needed to be fed again.<\/p>\n

Hoss got up and followed their father upstairs, and Adam turned and gently rocked the child as he paced back and forth in front of the fireplace. \u201cYou certainly are loud, for being so little,\u201d he whispered. Finally, after about a half hour, the baby quieted down, and fell asleep. Adam carefully sat down on the settee, so as not to wake him. He looked at the tiny perfect fingers, curled into fists, and the little nose and eyes, his face wet from tears. He wondered what this little person would be like when he grew up.<\/p>\n

Adam quietly observed the people walking by him. There were so many different people. Most of them appeared nice, although absorbed in their own thoughts. When he tried looking at them through the eyes of a frightened 10-year-old though, all of them suddenly became menacing and frightening. What must it have been like, to be lost in this city? Not only the people, but the buildings, streets and horses, the wagons and loud brawls\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes and tried to stop thinking.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The rumble of horses grew louder, and Adam looked to see the stage pulling to a stop. The door swung open, and several passengers exited into the waiting arms of family and friends. The last person to get out was a fair-haired man of about 25. He glanced around for a moment, and then spotted Adam moving towards him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMatt.\u201d Adam extended his hand, which his friend warmly grasped. \u201cHow was your trip?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine, just fine,\u201d Matt replied. \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you again, Adam. Although\u2026not under these circumstances. How are you holding up?\u201d he asked, picking up his bags.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAllow me,\u201d Adam said, taking one of the bags from him. \u201cI\u2019m doing all right, considering.\u201d Together, they headed towards the hotel in which Adam had already reserved a room. When they got upstairs, Matt opened one of his bags and pulled out a paper tablet and a pencil.<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt sat down at the table, and Adam sat across from him. \u201cThis might be difficult, Adam. I need you to tell me everything that happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d Adam sighed, leaning back. \u201cMy father and Hoss realized he was gone while they were walking towards the stage office. They turned and backtracked, but didn\u2019t see any sign of him. I arrived, and we split up and searched. We looked in shipyards, stores, jails, restaurants; we asked everyone we saw if they had seen him\u2026we looked through the whole city. Several times. There was nothing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow long did you stay and search?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFour weeks.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd how long has he been missing now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had to think for a moment. \u201cAbout two months.\u201d It seemed a lot longer. Adam caught the look that his friend tried to hide. \u201cIt\u2019s hopeless, isn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt tossed his notebook on the table. \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d He rubbed his hand over his face. \u201cYou did everything you could, I don\u2019t think there was anything else to do at that point. It\u2019s just\u2026there\u2019s not a whole lot to go on. If someone had seen something, heard something, remembered watching him walk by with your father\u2026it would give us a place to start.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know where my father last saw him, and where he realized he was gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s a small help. You asked everyone there if they had seen anything?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost every day, just to see if he somehow went back there. No one saw anything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2026\u201d Matt paused. \u201cWasn\u2019t near any ships, was it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cFar from the docks, in fact.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, that\u2019s good at least. And there was no where that he could have\u2026I don\u2019t know, fallen, or anything?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean some sort of accident?\u201d Adam shook his head. \u201cNo, it was just streets and shops. There were alleys and lots of traffic, but we figured if he had stepped in front of a horse or something, they would have known.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt nodded. \u201cHow old is he?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen he knew he could get help from someone, if he did get lost.\u201d Matt paused, and picked up his notebook again. \u201cYou do realize\u2026that something could have\u2026happened to him, very easily, and\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean he might be dead?\u201d Adam said quietly. \u201cI did think about that. But if he is, we\u2019ll never find him. We\u2019ve got to search thinking that\u2026someone took him. For whatever reason. He can\u2019t be still lost, we would have found him. If he\u2019s dead\u2026then it\u2019s hopeless. We just have to keep hoping that he\u2019s still alive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt nodded. \u201cAll right then. So we\u2019ll assume he was kidnapped. And because whoever took him never asked for ransom, they either don\u2019t know who he is or don\u2019t care. We\u2019re going to have to search everywhere that someone might take a child for a reason. We\u2019ll ask at all the shipyards, and shops, and anywhere that might need workers, and see if they were looking for help two months ago. We might not find very much, but at least we can rule out some places. Mines, we\u2019ll have to ask at mines too.\u201d Matt stood up. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you show me where your family realized he first disappeared, and we\u2019ll start with that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded, and then took a deep breath and followed Matt to the door. At least this was better than doing nothing.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

It had now been about four months. Every day seemed to run into the next, and when Joe wasn\u2019t busy working on the farm, he spent his time imagining that his family was looking for him, and they would find him soon.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The horizon grew darker, and Joe sighed and leaned his head against his window. They should have been here by now. He knew it had only been a few days ride from San Francisco. What if it was true\u2026had they really abandoned him?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe angrily shook his head. His family loved him, he knew they did; but the tiny fear, gnawing in the back of his mind, wouldn\u2019t leave him alone. It was easier to ignore during the day. At night, when he had nothing to distract himself with, it was harder to keep on believing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The door opened behind him, and he could tell by the heavy footsteps crossing the room it was Eli. Joe looked up as he dropped a folded piece of paper next to him, and then turned and left again.<\/span><\/p>\n

With shaking hands, Joe unfolded the paper. It was a letter. He squinted at the words. The darkened room, and his unfamiliarity with some of the words was making it difficult to understand, but finally he came across a word he recognized. The one he had been afraid of. \u2018Dead\u2019. There was a sentence that had his family\u2019s name in it, followed by that word.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood up, and quickly went into the kitchen. Beth was in her chair next to the stove, with blankets over her lap, mending something, and Eli was tallying some numbers. \u201cWhat does it say? What does the whole letter say? Please,\u201d Joe begged, holding it out to the man.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli glanced up at Beth, and seeing her watching him, took the paper. \u201cIt says that your family is dead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease read it, please\u2026\u201d Joe had to know what it said. How, and why.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli sighed, and then read, \u201c\u2019Dear Mr. Grant, I am saddened to tell you there was an accident, and all the members of the Cartwright family are dead. The property has been sold, and there is no one left to take the boy.\u2019\u201d Eli handed the letter back to him, and then turned towards his books again.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held it, feeling surprisingly calm. \u201cHow long have you known?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThree weeks.\u201d Eli didn\u2019t look up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want him to tell you,\u201d Beth interjected, without looking up from her sewing. \u201cIt\u2019s quite an upsetting thing, but at least you still have us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli glanced towards Joe with a look of disgust, and\u2026loathing, almost. Joe knew he only did it because Beth wasn\u2019t looking. Joe didn\u2019t know which was worse; Beth\u2019s love, or Eli\u2019s hatred. The man turned back to his figures.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou lied,\u201d Joe said quietly to Eli, moving a bit closer. \u201cThe last few weeks, you knew; but you told me they weren\u2019t coming because they didn\u2019t want me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey didn\u2019t want you,\u201d Eli said, pausing to look up at him. \u201cGo get the strap.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s mouth fell open slightly. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man stood angrily, and Joe jumped back, startled. \u201cFirst you call me a liar, and now you\u2019re questioning me? Not only are you getting a tanning, but you can stay locked in your room for the next three days without meals as well,\u201d the man snapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEli, no\u2026\u201d Beth started to cry.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slowly turned and went into the other room, where he pulled the leather strap down from the hook by the fireplace.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe child called me a liar, Beth!\u201d Joe heard Eli talking loudly from the other room. \u201cI won\u2019t stand for anything like that. He knows what he did, and the consequences.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe walked back into the kitchen with the strap in his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut he didn\u2019t mean to,\u201d Beth begged. \u201cJoseph, tell him you didn\u2019t mean it\u2026just apologize, please\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t even acknowledge her; he just stared straight at Eli. Finally the man swore under his breath and lashed out. Joe winced, but the man only knocked the strap from his hands. \u201cGo to your room!\u201d Eli yelled. Joe turned and ran down the hall. He heard the man following, and then the latch was fastened.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sank onto the floor, fighting against tears. They were dead. His father, his brothers\u2026he would never see them again. And as much as Eli insisted, there was no way they had deliberately abandoned him. Joe hugged the blanket tighter as every bit of hope he had held on to faded away. He was only left with fear, loneliness, and pain. He was alone in the world, and he would never see his family again.<\/span><\/p>\n

*October*<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss yanked the wagon to a stop in the yard, and then jumped down as Ben hurried out of the house. Hoss handed his father the letter, and watched impatiently as he tore open the envelope. When his father\u2019s shoulders slumped, Hoss knew, once again, that there was no good news.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss hated bringing Adam\u2019s letters home. Every week, he and Ben waited anxiously for the mail to arrive at Eagle Station, and for any news that Adam might have. Nineteen letters. Nineteen times Hoss closely watched his father\u2019s face as he opened the piece of paper, and each time he watched as his father\u2019s face grew sadder.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had been missing almost six months now, and each day that went by brought them closer to the realization that he might never be found.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben turned and walked to the barn, and then came out a few minutes later with his horse saddled. \u201cI\u2019ll be back,\u201d he said curtly, and then rode away. Hoss watched him go, and then started to unhitch the team.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben rode as fast as he could through the trees. If only this letter, today, had brought some sort of comfort. Today\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben finally came to a stop at his destination, and swung out of the saddle. He walked over to the grave, and knelt down next to the headstone of his wife. \u201cOh Marie\u2026\u201d he whispered. It was eleven years ago today, that he had first seen his son. Marie had smiled at him when the midwife placed the tiny bundle in his arms. He remembered looking down at that little perfect face, and lots of dark hair, even then. \u201cThis is your brother,\u201d he had said to Adam and Hoss. \u201cJoseph.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben pulled the letter out of his pocket, and read it more carefully. It didn\u2019t say much; just that there was no sign, and they were continuing eastward. \u201cMarie,\u201d he sighed. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry\u2026I tried my best, but I didn\u2019t think. I should have kept him closer. I shouldn\u2019t have let him out of my sight. I just\u2026hope that he\u2019s safe. Either\u2026with you, or wherever he is. Maybe someone found him, and took care of him, or maybe\u2026maybe he\u2019s dead. I just wish I knew.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben remained there for awhile, quietly lost in the sounds of the woods. Finally he stood up and went back to his horse, and then slowly rode back to the ranch. There was still work to be done today, and he couldn\u2019t let his middle son bear the brunt of his sorrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam! Joe\u2019s hurt!\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Adam dropped the hammer he had been using to repair the stall in the barn, and ran outside. Hoss was coming towards him. \u201cWhere is he?\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the settee. He was running and fell and hit his head,\u201d Hoss replied, gasping as he turned and raced after Adam, who was moving fast. Adam burst into the living room, and moved quickly to the blood-stained child who was lying down, sobbing. The 3-year-old had a nasty gash on his head. Adam pulled out his handkerchief which he had just placed, clean, thankfully, in his pocket that morning and held it firmly over the cut.<\/p>\n

Joe cried out and tried to struggle away, but Adam sat down next to him and pulled him onto his lap, trying to calm him. Joe leaned his head against Adam\u2019s chest. \u201cI want Mama,\u201d he cried.<\/p>\n

Adam had to admit he wanted her as well, but she and Ben had been away, and weren\u2019t supposed to be arriving home until the day after tomorrow. \u201cI know Joe, but she\u2019ll be home in a couple of days. You\u2019ve got me for now,\u201d he said, hoping to calm the child. It seemed to work, and after a few minutes he had settled down and stopped crying.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he all right?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Adam replied, gently laying him down. \u201cGo run and get me some bandages and some towels and water.\u201d Hoss left, and quickly returned with the items as requested. Adam pulled the handkerchief away, and to his relief the wound didn\u2019t open again. He very carefully cleaned the cut, as Little Joe squirmed and cried, and then bandaged Joe\u2019s head. \u201cIt\u2019s not as bad as I first thought,\u201d he said. \u201cIt looks like a surface wound, but I bet he\u2019s going to have a nasty headache.\u201d Adam sat back, finally releasing the tension that had been mounting inside of him since Hoss had called.<\/p>\n

He wouldn\u2019t have been able to forgive himself if the child had been seriously injured. It was his responsibility to make sure nothing went wrong, and he took it very seriously. It was impossible, however, to watch Joe every second of every day. Adam sighed and picked up the child. He would certainly try harder from now on though.<\/p>\n

Adam put down the pen, and picked up the sheet of paper, waving it gently to dry the ink. By his calculations, the letter should arrive at the Ponderosa about a week or two before he and Matt did. They were taking a slightly longer path through some Arizona towns. There wasn\u2019t much of a chance Joe had been taken that far away, or in that direction, but Adam couldn\u2019t stand not to look. They\u2019d already combed every port, gold mine, and town along the western coast, and then had headed east through many trading posts, towns, and farms. They had gone south towards Texas, and then on towards the Mexico border, where they asked at all the towns they came across. Adam had considered going farther east, but it seemed unlikely that someone would have taken him that far from San Francisco.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Possible, but not likely.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The other reason they were heading back was because it was starting to turn into winter, and pretty quickly they wouldn\u2019t be able to get back because of the snow. Matt was coming to stay with them until the worst of winter was over, and then Adam was planning to go back to San Francisco and start searching there again. His hope was that if Joe had been taken on a ship, it might have come back into port by then and there would be some word.<\/span><\/p>\n

He looked at his letter, reading it over quickly to make sure it sounded coherent. \u2018Dear Pa, we should be arriving home in about four or five weeks from the date I sent this letter. Hope you and Hoss are well, and I look forward to seeing you both again. Love, Adam.\u2019 He folded it and put it in the envelope, just as the door to their hotel opened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt walked to the table, flipping one of the chairs around and straddling it. \u201cThere\u2019s a little restaurant just down the street. I figured we could go there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded, and then stood up and grabbed his holster, buckling it into place before following Matt out the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

*November*<\/span><\/p>\n

It was a crisp morning on the Ponderosa. The sun wasn’t quite up yet as Ben and Hoss started their breakfast. \u201cDang,\u201d Hoss exclaimed after he had taken a bite. \u201cThis sure is the best flapjack I ever tasted.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben chuckled slightly. \u201cThey certainly are good. I think Hop Sing\u2019s going to work out fine here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe sure is. He\u2019s been here a week, and already he\u2019s made somethin\u2019 different every day. Not to mention the house is real clean. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s looked this good since Marie-\u201c Hoss quickly stopped, looking at his father. \u201cSorry Pa,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben put down his fork, closing his eyes. How had this happened? Finally he looked up at his son, who had a sad, guilty look on his face. \u201cHoss, there\u2019s nothing wrong with you talking about Marie. Or Joe for that matter. They both brought joy to this house. We shouldn\u2019t think of them with sadness.\u201d Ben watched as Hoss glanced down, biting his lower lip. \u201cI\u2019ve decided I\u2019m going to have Adam stay, when he comes back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss looked up at him, and the sadness grew in his expression. \u201cThat means you\u2019re going to have him stop looking.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sighed. He didn\u2019t want to give up, but he didn\u2019t want to live like this anymore. The sadness and tiredness was starting to wear on him. And Hoss\u2026this had been especially hard on him. Not only did he have to deal with the pain of losing his brother, his best friend, but now his other brother was gone as well. He had been struggling with more than double the jobs and tasks he had been doing previously, along with trying to be strong for his father with his unending hopefulness. It was just too much for Ben to handle anymore, and he hated putting so much strain on his son.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing walked out of the kitchen with a plate of eggs. He set it down, and then turned to Ben. \u201cMr. Cartwright, few things we need for kitchen,\u201d he said, his words carrying a heavy trace of his accent.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u201cHoss can take you over to the mercantile at Eagle Station to get whatever you need.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d Hop Sing replied, and then turned and went back into the kitchen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss quickly finished his breakfast. As he was getting up to go hitch the team, he turned towards Ben. \u201cI don\u2019t blame you, Pa, for wanting Adam back here to help. I really miss him too. But you know, I bet he finds Joe before that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben gave him a brief smile, and then Hoss turned and left. Ben was still hopeful that his son would be found, but he couldn\u2019t bring himself to muster the amount of faith that Hoss had. The fear that Joe was dead was eating away at him; it would just be so much easier\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben swallowed, as guilt washed over him after the last thought. What if Joe was still alive, somewhere? How could he ever explain to him that he quit searching because it was easier to pretend he was dead? No, it wasn\u2019t easier, it was\u2026harder, in some ways. He sighed as he stood and walked into his study. He knew what it was, even though he hadn\u2019t actually admitted it before. Hoss had stirred the feelings again, with the simple apology about mentioning Marie. Ben knew now, why he needed Adam home. Losing Joe had brought back the feelings of losing Marie, and Adam\u2026had been there. He had been strong, in ways that Ben couldn\u2019t, and ways he couldn\u2019t see. He had relied on his son. It had taken years before he realized the amount of the responsibility he had placed on Adam, and that Adam had accepted, without a word.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben couldn\u2019t help but feel a little guilty, feeling that perhaps it was the amount of responsibility he had placed on him that had caused Adam to leave. His son had to live his own life, Ben knew. It wasn\u2019t fair to hold him back.<\/span><\/p>\n

But right now, he really needed him.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe ran towards the house, head ducked against the onslaught of raindrops. He jerked the door open and scurried into the kitchen, and then leaned against the door to close it against the wind. He turned to see Eli sitting at the table, staring at him, a bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him. Joe was suddenly self-conscious under his glare, and straightened uncomfortably. The man hadn\u2019t bothered with him the last couple of weeks, he\u2019d only given him more chores to do, ever since Beth had\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked down. He knew Eli blamed him for her death, and if he was honest, he blamed himself a little too. Maybe if he\u2019d been nicer to her, and not made Eli mad at him so much\u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFinish everything?\u201d the man asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him. \u201cYes. Well\u2026everything except replacing the boards in the corral.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you finish that?\u201d Eli asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wasn\u2019t quite sure if he understood. \u201cIt\u2026it\u2019s raining\u2026I thought I could finish it later\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou thought wrong.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The man said it so easily, that Joe was startled. \u201cNow? You\u2026want me to finish it\u2026now?\u201d Joe glanced towards the window, where the rain had started to fall heavier.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli slammed his hand on the table, making Joe jump and quickly look back towards him. \u201cYes, now. And don\u2019t come back in until it\u2019s done,\u201d he snapped.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stared at him, then slowly reached for the door handle and pulled it open. He bit his lower lip, trying to keep the tears at bay, and then stepped back outside. The rain felt even colder against his damp clothing, and he ran for the barn, splashing through puddles with his bare feet. Once inside, he located the boards and tools necessary. Five of the boards in the fence had been broken or become rotted and fallen away. Joe picked up the pieces to replace them, and then dragged them to the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

For a moment, Joe considered just waiting until it stopped raining to finish; but he knew, however, that it wasn\u2019t likely to stop soon, and he would be here until dark, or even until the next morning. He stepped out into the rain, anger and hopelessness overpowering him, with warm tears trickling down his cheeks.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When he finally finished an hour or so later, and at last stumbled into the house, soaking wet and freezing cold, Eli was no longer in the kitchen. Joe went down the hall into his bedroom, stripped off his clothes, and then wrapped himself in his blanket, shivering. He didn\u2019t think it was possible to hurt any more than he did now. All he wanted was his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

*December*<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss ran downstairs. \u201cPa!\u201d he called. \u201cPa! Adam\u2019s home!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stood up and dropped his account book on the desk, and then he went to the front door, yanking it open. He and Hoss watched through the blowing snow as two men pulled their horses into the barn. Ben shoved the door closed against the cold, and then hurried around the corner into the kitchen to tell Hop Sing that Adam and his friend had arrived and to make some coffee.<\/span><\/p>\n

As he was leaving the kitchen, he heard the front door crash open, and he came around the corner to see Adam and another man stumble in, covered with snow. Hoss closed the door behind them as Ben hurried over. \u201cCome, over to the fire,\u201d he said, ushering them across the room. Ben helped as the outer clothing came off, and Hoss came quickly with blankets. \u201cSon, I\u2019m glad to see you but you should have known better than to travel in a storm like this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam almost laughed. That was exactly what he expected his father to say. \u201cIt was only bad the last half hour or so, and by then we were already on the Ponderosa.\u201d He saw the look on Ben\u2019s face, and then felt bad. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa. I\u2019m home and safe now,\u201d he said gently, and Ben sighed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing walked out of the kitchen just then, with a tray full of cups of steaming hot coffee. \u201cThank you,\u201d Ben said, taking two of the mugs and handing them to the two men. He took one of the remaining cups and Hoss took the last one. \u201cAdam, this is Hop Sing. I hired him to help us around the house.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded towards him. \u201cIt\u2019s nice to meet you,\u201d he said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing gave a little bow, and said, \u201cPleasure to meet eldest son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam smiled slightly at him, and then looked towards his companion. \u201cPa, this is my friend Matt Carrington. Matt, this is my father, and my brother Hoss, and of course, Hop Sing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt reached out and shook Ben\u2019s hand. \u201cNice to meet you, Mr. Cartwright. Hoss, Hop Sing\u2026\u201d he nodded towards each of them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell me, do you have any news?\u201d Ben asked, sitting down. Hop Sing retreated towards the kitchen as Matt and Adam both shook their heads.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Adam sighed. \u201cNo sign of him anywhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve had a couple false leads,\u201d said Matt, shaking his head. \u201cThere\u2019s not a whole lot to go on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben nodded, and looked at Hoss before asking. \u201cPlease, tell me honestly. Is there any hope, at all? Or do you think he\u2019s dead?\u201d he finished quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt stared at the floor for several seconds before looking up at Ben. \u201cDo you really want to know?\u201d he asked gently. When Ben nodded, he sighed. \u201cThere\u2019s been no sign of him in any town that you\u2019d pass through going out of San Francisco. Of course we couldn\u2019t check every single way station, but we checked\u2026I don\u2019t know, dozens of places. Certainly more.\u201d Ben stood up and walked a few feet away. \u201cWe checked almost every major city between here and Texas, docks, mines, I\u2019ve had messages out to a good many lawmen in different parts of the country, we\u2019ve looked everywhere we possibly can\u2026 I\u2019m sorry, sir\u2026I don\u2019t think there\u2019s much hope at all.\u201d Matt looked into his coffee cup as Ben turned back to them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, no one can say you didn\u2019t do your best,\u201d he said, his voice hoarse. \u201cI think,\u201d Ben started, looking in turn at Hoss, Adam, and Hop Sing, who had brought out more coffee. \u201cI think that we all need to accept that he\u2019s gone. We need to move on, and\u2026try to heal from this.\u201d Ben looked at Hoss as the young man looked away, blinking back tears. \u201cIt will be hard,\u201d he said softly. \u201cJoseph\u2026was a dearly loved member of this family, and this hasn\u2019t been easy. But we have to try to move on.\u201d Ben looked at Hoss, who met his gaze and nodded, even with the tears in his eyes. Hop Sing gently touched Ben on the arm as he poured him some more coffee, and then went back into the kitchen. Only Adam didn\u2019t look up or move.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben realized this must have been incredibly hard on his eldest son, who hadn\u2019t seen his brother in years. He just hadn\u2019t realized how much this must have worn on him. Adam glanced up and saw Ben watching him, and then he stood up. \u201cExcuse me,\u201d he mumbled, and quickly went upstairs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt watched him leave, and then looked back at Ben. \u201cHe has taken this really hard,\u201d he said quietly. \u201cHe\u2019s so driven, so determined to find him. We were going to go back to San Francisco one more time, and then I planned on leaving for home. I\u2019m not sure when Adam plans on quitting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss set his cup down and then got up. \u201cS\u2019cuse me,\u201d he said, and then went up the stairs and down the hall to Adam\u2019s room. \u201cAdam?\u201d he gently knocked on the door, and went in.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was standing next to the window, watching the snowflakes fall. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Hoss,\u201d he said as his brother came to a stop behind him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry for what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam turned and looked at him. \u201cChristmas is soon,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss nodded, tears building in his eyes. \u201cI know,\u201d he whispered back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026\u201d Adam closed his eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it, Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just\u2026really wanted to bring Joe home for Christmas.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss bit his lip, but it was too late. Tears were slipping down his face as he quickly embraced his brother. \u201cAdam\u2026you did your best!\u201d Hoss felt his older brother\u2019s arms encircle his shoulders.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just wish I could have done better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Later that night, after Hoss had gone to bed and Matt had gone to his room for the night, Adam sat down next to Ben on the settee. He wasn\u2019t sure how to bring it up, especially after his father\u2019s comments earlier; therefore he was surprised when Ben said, \u201cMatt tells us you planned on leaving again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It took a moment for him to respond. \u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d he finally said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, there\u2019s no reason to keep searching.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I have to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no hope, anymore. He\u2019s been gone too long.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa-\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s dead!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam watched in stunned silence as Ben angrily got up from the settee and strode over the fireplace. \u201cJoseph is dead, and I don\u2019t want you to keep searching! I want you to stay here!\u201d Ben glared back at him, and then his tone softened slightly. \u201cI need you to stay here, Adam. I need you, and Hoss needs you. All of us\u2026we have to get past this! Together! Nothing good will come of your staying away. \u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, only for-\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Adam!\u201d Ben snapped. \u201cI am adamant!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam stood up, and angrily shook his head. \u201cNo, Pa, I can\u2019t! I can\u2019t stay here, I just can\u2019t! I-\u201d he stopped and turned away before running his hand through his hair, letting his hand linger on the back of his neck. \u201cPlease, Pa\u2026just let me go to San Francisco, one more time. If I don\u2019t find anything in the three weeks I\u2019m there, then I\u2019ll come back. I promise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt won\u2019t do any good\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam shook his head. \u201cThree weeks, Pa. That\u2019s all I ask.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Dropping his head, Ben closed his eyes. \u201cWhy?\u201d When Adam didn\u2019t answer after a few seconds, he looked up. \u201cWhy are you doing this\u2026 to yourself, to Hoss\u2026to me? Why? You\u2019re not\u2026going to find anything. Either he was killed, or is so far away that we\u2019ll never see him again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Adam whispered. \u201cI…\u201d Adam paused for a few seconds, and then quietly finished, \u201cI just\u2026wanted so much to bring him back to you, Pa.\u201d Adam sank onto the arm of one of the chairs, still facing away from his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben slowly crossed the room and stopped behind him, and then put his hand on his son\u2019s shoulder. He closed his eyes, and then quietly said, \u201cThree weeks.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam reached up and grasped his father\u2019s hand. He was afraid to speak with the lump in his throat, and after a moment he got up and hurried up the stairs to his room.<\/span><\/p>\n

*Early March*<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease be careful, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI will Pa,\u201d Adam replied. It was the same thing his father said every time he left, but this time it seemed to have more meaning. He had promised his father to be home within six weeks, allotting three weeks of travel time and three weeks of searching. Adam had never felt so conflicted. If he didn\u2019t return in that time, it would break his father\u2019s heart. But if he couldn\u2019t find Joe, he didn\u2019t know how he would live with himself.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam smiled slightly as Hoss patted his leg, and then with a nod at his father, Adam turned and raced out of the yard, with Matt following behind.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMatt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt looked at the building Adam was pointing at. It was a burned shell, as were two others next to it. They could see where some rebuilding had started, but it was still obvious a large fire had taken place.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They had arrived in the city yesterday. First thing this morning, they had decided to start at the last place that Ben had remembered seeing Joe, and then retrace the route the family had taken, asking again at any jails or shops if a boy had been seen. Maybe he had been able to come back. They had ended up here. \u201cThat was the hotel they were staying at when Joe went missing.\u201d Adam looked at a man who was walking by. \u201cExcuse me, sir, do you happen to know what happened to the hotel?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man nodded towards the burned buildings. \u201cHappened about three months ago. Seven people died in the hotel.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt let out a low whistle.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s about all they know. Marshal Ryder was in charge of the investigation, and he thought it could have been arson.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t happen to know if an eleven year old boy has been in the area within the past few months, perhaps looking for someone at the hotel?\u201d Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

The man shook his head, giving Adam a puzzled look. \u201cNot that I know of,\u201d he said, before continuing down the street.<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt shook his head and glanced at Adam. \u201cWhere to now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was frowning. \u201cLet\u2019s go see this marshal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt was perplexed by Adam\u2019s sudden interest, but he followed him down the street to the jail. They went inside, and Adam went up to the person at the desk. \u201cIs there a Marshal Ryder here, by any chance?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A man on the other side of the room looked up. \u201cThat\u2019s me. What do you want?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam and Matt walked up to him. \u201cI was just curious about the hotel fire,\u201d Adam said. \u201cWe stayed there last time we were in town.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did you want to know?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sighed. \u201cI don\u2019t know. My little brother went missing almost a year ago, and I was hoping to ask at the hotel if they had seen any sign of him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam Cartwright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man looked at them for a couple of moments, then nodded. \u201cCome on this way.\u201d He took them into a back room, and then pulled a stack of papers from a drawer. He started flipping through them, finally coming to the papers he was looking for. \u201cThat\u2019s the third inquiry I\u2019ve had as to you all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe third?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man nodded, and pulled out a few sheets of paper from the stack. \u201cThese messages were addressed either to the hotel, or you.\u201d He snorted. \u201cThey didn\u2019t know where to send them, so they gave them to me.\u201d He handed Adam three sheets of paper. The first was from a lawman in Texas, addressed to them at the hotel, informing them there was no sign of Joe. The second was very similar, only from Kansas. Adam flipped to the third letter, holding his breath, wanting so much for it to be something. After skimming it he let it out slowly. The lawman in Arizona hadn\u2019t seen anything either.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded his thanks, and then turned and left. Matt stayed behind a few moments, talking with the marshal, and then followed him outside.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After several minutes of silence, Matt finally spoke up quietly. \u201cWhere to now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam shook his head slowly. \u201cI guess there is nowhere else,\u201d he whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hugged the crumpled blanket closer as he heard his bedroom door slam. Only when he was sure that the man had left did he sit up. He pulled his shirt off, and then looked down at the marks on his stomach and arms. He couldn\u2019t really see anything, it was so dark, but gently touching them caused pain to ripple through him. He put his hands on his cheeks, and could feel the difference from the swelling on the one side. Joe sighed and ran his hand over his back, where he had received the most blows. He could tell he would hurt for the next few days.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There had been no reason for the beating tonight\u2026except that Eli had been drunk. It got worse each time. After the first one, a month had gone by before Eli got drunk and angry enough to beat him again. After that, it had happened several days in a row, and then nothing until about two weeks ago.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wiped the lingering tears off his face with the back of his hand and looked toward the window, where the moon shone brightly in, illuminating his room. The brightest of stars had started to appear in the darkened sky, and he got up from the floor. Kneeling by the window, he rested his chin on his arms and looked up. Ever since he could remember, he had looked up at the stars when he missed his eldest brother. He wondered if Adam was looking back right now.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOne more year,\u201d he whispered out loud. He had already decided that. About a month ago, he had tried to run away and had been only semi-successful. He had been gone for only three days before he realized he couldn\u2019t survive on his own. There was no food, or water. He knew no one, and had nowhere to go. Strangers wouldn\u2019t give him anything; he had nothing to offer them. Once he was older, stronger, able to do a man\u2019s work\u2026then he would leave. All he was doing now was waiting until he would be able to take on the work necessary for shelter over his head and food every day. He was good with horses. Maybe in a year he could find a ranch to work on.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard the front door crash open, and he started to shiver. Holding his breath, he listened, trying to hear if the man grew closer to his room again. Sometimes he had received several beatings in one night; the man didn\u2019t really know what he was doing when he was drunk. The footsteps grew nearer, and Joe felt as though he couldn\u2019t move. After several agonizing seconds, the man moved past his door, and into his own room. Only when there was no sound for some time, did Joe breathe normally again. He wouldn\u2019t sleep tonight. Waking up to find a huge figure brandishing a belt was one of his recurring nightmares, and both that and his real-life nightmare were bound to keep him from closing his eyes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

It had been two months Adam had been home to stay. The family was finally starting to settle into their routine. In some ways, Adam hated it. It meant that eventually the memory of Joe would fade out of their everyday lives, as they got completely used to not expecting to see him, and not missing when he wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked up from the book he had been trying to read as Hoss walked through the front door. \u201cHere\u2019s the mail, Adam,\u201d Hoss said, handing him three letters.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam went through them. One from a friend back east, one from a man in San Francisco about a investment of Adam\u2019s\u2026and one from California. Adam tore it open, holding his breath, and as he saw the first few words he gasped.<\/span><\/p>\n

His hand shook as he read it. \u2018To Whom it May Concern, I am writing in regard to any information concerning Ben, Adam, or Hoss Cartwright, concerning their deaths and any family that might be reached. Sincerely, Clyde Grant, Shasta County, California.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked up at Hoss. \u201cThis letter\u2026\u201d he handed it to him, and then watched as Hoss\u2019s eyes grew large.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026Adam, do you\u2026do you think\u2026?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Adam took the letter back and reread it. He stood quickly, moving towards the stairs, and Hoss hurried after him. \u201cPa won\u2019t be back for a couple of days. Don\u2019t\u2026tell him about it, Hoss. It may be a false lead, and\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know, Adam. It\u2019s best not to get his hopes up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell him I went to California about some investments.\u201d Within a few minutes, Adam had everything he needed. He hurried out of the house, and Hoss helped him saddle his horse, and then he was off as quickly as he could go.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you didn\u2019t have to go, Adam.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know Joe.\u201d His brother was too little to understand.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if I need you when you\u2019re gone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve still got Pa and Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. But what if I need you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam pulled the boy onto his lap. \u201cJust think about what I\u2019d say to you if I were here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe thought for a moment, and then nodded. \u201cWill you write me every day?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll write every day, and then mail the letters once a week, how about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe smiled, but then it faded away. \u201cYou\u2019re going to be so far away,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. But I\u2019ll be back before you know it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot soon enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam hugged the boy closer. \u201cWhenever you really miss me, all you need to do is look at the stars. I\u2019ll be looking at the same stars too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right. We can both be looking at the stars together, even though we\u2019re far apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe hugged him tightly, and then jumped down and ran out of the room. Adam watched him go sadly. He would be missing the next chapter in this boy\u2019s life. He wondered what Joe would be like when he got back.<\/p>\n

Adam felt his heart race faster as the house appeared on the horizon. He urged his horse a little faster, and he heard Matt quicken behind him to keep up. Matt had been in San Francisco on business the past few months, and when Adam had stopped by and asked him to come along, Matt had eagerly agreed. Adam was glad. If it turned out to be another false lead, at least he\u2019d have a friend.<\/span><\/p>\n

They got closer. It was just a little two-story house, with a barn, and fields in the distance. Adam pulled to a stop in the yard, and was about to call out when a man said, \u201cHowdy!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam turned to see a man walking out of the barn, brushing sawdust from his pants. \u201cAre you Clyde Grant?\u201d Adam asked. He almost couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s me,\u201d the man said. \u201cWhat can I help you with?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou wrote a letter\u2026asking about my family. I\u2019m Adam Cartwright,\u201d he managed to choke out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright!\u201d he exclaimed. \u201cI certainly am glad to meet you.\u201d He walked towards them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam swung off his horse. \u201cMy brother\u2026do you know anything about my brother, Joe? He went missing in San Francisco about a year ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s why I wrote the letter. I found him at my brother\u2019s place a few weeks ago. Joe told us his family was dead, and I just wanted to make sure. Me and my wife were trying to find him someone, a relative\u2026.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere is he, is he here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he\u2019s here.\u201d Clyde gestured towards the barn. \u201cCome on with me.\u201d Matt and Adam followed him into the barn, and then through the back towards a fenced-in pasture.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Inside the pasture, Joe was sitting on the ground under a tree. He had been feeding the horses, but then he ran out of apples, and they didn\u2019t care to be around him anymore. He glanced up to see Clyde coming towards the pasture with the two men he had seen ride in a little bit ago. There was a shiver of fear, deep inside, and he wished he could make it go away.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ever since Clyde had found him, and brought him back to live with him and his wife, Vallie, Joe had been terrified that it would end. He actually had a bed now, and pillows and blankets, and they fed him, every meal, and he was never yelled at or sworn at or beaten for no reason. He had been almost afraid to get used to it, knowing it could change whenever they felt like it. Eli had done that a lot\u2026offered him something, just to take it away or tell him he couldn\u2019t have it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t want it taken away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe knew though, that they didn\u2019t want to keep him here. He\u2019d overheard them talking one night. \u2018\u2026there must be someplace he can go.\u2019 Clyde was saying. \u2018Maybe I could take him back to San Francisco\u2026\u2019 Joe had left quickly. He couldn\u2019t bear to listen to any more.<\/span><\/p>\n

And now, seeing the two men with Clyde, he knew it was going to happen. They got closer, and Joe could see the strangers looking around, probably for him. Both of them were dressed like the cowboys he used to know so well. They had guns strapped to their sides, and buttoned shirts tucked into their pants. Maybe it wouldn\u2019t be that bad, working on a ranch. It was just\u2026he wanted to stay here. He was afraid of being hurt again, and he didn\u2019t understand why they wanted to send him away so much.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Clyde called as they came to a stop next to the fence. \u201cCome here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He reached out and put his hand against the tree as he stood. It was the strangest feeling in the world, and there was a buzzing in his ears. He started towards them, and by the time he reached the fence, he felt like he could barely walk. Reaching out and catching the rail, he looked up at Clyde.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on over here, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe climbed unsteadily over the rail, glancing at the two men standing a few yards away, and then he looked at Clyde. \u201cAre you sending me away?\u201d he asked quietly. Clyde hesitated, and Joe knew it was true. \u201cWhat did I do?\u201d he asked, his voice catching, fighting back tears. \u201cWhatever it is, I\u2019ll make it right! I\u2019ll\u2026do chores, I\u2019ll do any extra chores you want me to. I\u2019ll, I\u2019ll work all day, morning until dark, please! Please\u2026\u201d Joe trailed off, noticing the glances exchanged between the two strangers, and that Clyde was shaking his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Clyde said. \u201cIt\u2019s not like that. I didn\u2019t tell you; I\u2026\u201d The man paused. \u201cThese men\u2026well, this man\u2026do you know who he is?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe glanced at the men, and the one who was closer. He had such an earnest look on his face, and he was just staring at him. Joe felt a weird feeling, deep inside. He shook his head, but he couldn\u2019t shake the feeling that was growing stronger. The man moved closer, and knelt in front of him, gently taking his arms. \u201cJoe\u2026do you remember me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He was so afraid to believe. He looked back towards Clyde.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Clyde said. \u201cI wrote a letter, trying to contact your family\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He froze, feeling as though the ground fell from underneath him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2026got the letter\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYour brother\u2026this is your brother, he\u2019s here for you, to take you home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Please, don\u2019t take it away, don\u2019t take it away\u2026let it be true\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s your brother, Adam\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finally turned and looked back at him. Even though he hadn\u2019t seen his brother in years, he knew. He knew it was him, and he didn\u2019t understand, but he knew. It was true. Suddenly Joe felt a weird floating sensation, and he gasped. Everything seemed to drift away- sounds, colors, and the feeling of Adam\u2019s hands on his arms, and it got very dark. The last thing he heard was someone calling his name before everything was gone.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes. The blurry mass in front of him slowly came into focus to reveal Vallie holding something to his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFeel better now?\u201d she asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d he whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere now\u2026\u201d she said, and pulled a damp cloth away from his forehead. \u201cYou just had a faint, perfectly understandable considering the last few weeks and then the shock today. Your brother\u2019s in the next room.\u201d She stood up.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWait,\u201d Joe gasped as she walked away. He sank back onto the settee, and squeezed his eyes shut. There were footsteps, and then Joe felt someone touch his arm. Without meaning to, he pulled away, startled.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d a man said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe kept his eyes tightly closed. He was frightened\u2026terrified\u2026and he didn\u2019t know why.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026?\u201d the man whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Joe opened his eyes. The man was kneeling next to him, close. There was a seriousness in his gaze, and worry, and\u2026love. His brother. This was his brother. Joe reached out and touched Adam\u2019s face, almost to convince himself that he was real. \u201cYou\u2019ve changed,\u201d he whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo have you,\u201d Adam said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Tears burst into Joe\u2019s eyes before he could stop them, and much to his embarrassment he started to cry. Adam pulled him into his arms, and held him, almost like a little child. \u201cAdam\u2026\u201d Joe sobbed, struggling for just a moment. Finally he gave up, and just cried. \u201cAdam!\u201d He cried for all the times that he hadn\u2019t before. For every beating that shouldn\u2019t have happened, and every time he thought about how he would never see his family again. For all the time lost, and for the pain he had been put through. For the anger, and the hatred, and the sadness he had lived with everyday.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam just held him tightly. Joe wanted him to never let go.<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam accepted the coffee that Vallie handed him, and glanced down again at Joe, who was curled up on the settee asleep with his head on Adam\u2019s lap.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t realize my brother had kidnapped him,\u201d Clyde was saying. \u201cIn fact, I would never have believed that from Eli. Joe said he did it for his wife. She\u2019d always wanted a child. She\u2026died a few months ago.\u201d The man paused. \u201cAnyway, I was out visiting my brother, and came across Joe. Well, I\u2019ve never seen Eli so mad, and after I managed to get the child to talk to me, I realized I couldn\u2019t leave him, so I brought him back with me. I asked about his family, but he told me he had none- that you were all dead. I didn\u2019t quite believe it, and that\u2019s why I wrote once he finally told me where you lived.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did he think we were dead?\u201d Adam asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think my brother told him you were, but I\u2019m not really sure of the details. He\u2019s barely said three words together since he\u2019s been here the past few weeks. My wife and I have tried to get him to talk to us, but nothing\u2019s worked. I\u2019m not really sure what happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about your brother?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Clyde shook his head with a very slight smile on his face. \u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cMy brother\u2026hung himself. Just after I took the child away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam glanced down at his brother. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I\u2019m sorry he can\u2019t be taken to justice. What he did was wrong, no matter what the reason was. Joe\u2019s been through a lot because of what he did.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe seems frightened,\u201d Matt said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Clyde glanced down, then nodded. \u201cHe is. If you go to reach for him, he usually pulls away. He never looks at you, really. He\u2019s afraid, all the time. I don\u2019t know why, exactly. I\u2019m sure\u2026that my brother caused it. He was always pretty strict\u2026harsh, even.\u201d Clyde shook his head, and then looked at Adam. \u201cI know there\u2019s nothing I can do or say to make any of this right. I am truly sorry for what happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded slightly. \u201cAt least we found him,\u201d he said quietly, and brushed his fingers through Joe\u2019s hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

******<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe held tightly to his brother\u2019s belt as they walked through the city. Adam\u2019s arm was around his shoulders, keeping him close, and Matt was on his other side; but still, he was afraid. Every time someone walked by, or glanced at him, fear rippled through him, until he was dizzy with it. By the time they reached the hotel, he felt like he could barely walk. The city was a lonely, cold, frightening place. The buildings were threatening; they had kept him from finding his family when he was lost. He never wanted to experience that again. He would never let Adam out of his grasp.<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t pay any attention to what Adam and Matt were doing inside until they were leading him up a set of stairs and into a room. There was a larger sitting room with a table and chairs, settee, and various tables and other objects which Joe hardly noticed. There was a door leading into the bedroom, where Adam was leading him now. There were two beds on either side of a window, and a chair next to the chest of drawers in the corner.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you lie down for a bit,\u201d Adam said. \u201cYou must be tired. I\u2019ll wake you up later when we go to get food.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded as Adam nudged him towards one of the beds. He sank onto it, and almost before he was lying down he was asleep.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam gently kicked his boot at the door a couple times, and it swung open to reveal Matt. \u201cHere, let me help you,\u201d his friend said, taking some of the packages out of Adam\u2019s hands.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d Adam replied, stepping into the room. He glanced towards the bedroom, and then paused as he saw Little Joe standing there. Swallowing back the nervousness that he felt, and chided himself for, he grinned and said, \u201cHey, buddy, how did you sleep?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

To his relief Joe smiled and stepped into the room. \u201cJust fine,\u201d he replied as he walked up to Adam, and then gave him a brief and impulsive hug.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam grinned at him, and then walked over to the table where he set down the other packages he had been carrying. He glanced again at Joe, whom he half expected would be fretting with impatience, curious to see what Adam brought; but instead he was standing quietly, eyes downcast. Adam had to fight against his disappointment. This wasn\u2019t the little brother who greeted him at the door after a long day of work, or excitedly tore open the presents he brought him when he came back from trips, or pestered him with questions, and make-believe, and wanted to do everything Adam did. This was his little brother who had just spent a terrifying year in isolated captivity, believing his whole family was dead. \u201cDo you want to see what I brought you?\u201d he asked gently.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up, and Adam saw the surprise and a bit of anticipation in his eyes. \u201cYou brought me something?\u201d he almost whispered, hesitantly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cI just said I did,\u201d he said lightly, with a smile, trying to ease Joe\u2019s uneasiness. \u201cCome here.\u201d Joe went to the table, and Adam pushed two packages towards him. \u201cThese are for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him for a few moments, then back at the packages. Nervously licking his lips, he reached for the one closest. He opened it, and then gasped slightly. It contained new pants, boots, a belt, socks, and drawers. He opened the other package to find a shirt, a neck scarf like the one Adam wore, a jacket, and a hat. \u201cAdam\u2026\u201d he breathed, looking up at his brother. He shook his head slightly. \u201cAre\u2026are you sure?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam was puzzled. \u201cSure about what? That I want to give them to you? That\u2019s why I got them, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just\u2026\u201d Joe fingered the neck scarf. \u201cIt\u2026it\u2019s\u2026so much.\u201d He sighed. \u201cBut you\u2019re my brother. That\u2019s why. I\u2019m sorry, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026just got used to people being mean\u2026I guess\u2026\u201d Joe closed his eyes, biting the corner of his lip.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cI know,\u201d he said. \u201cBut no one else is going to be mean to you anymore. You\u2019re safe, you\u2019re with me, and we\u2019re going home.\u201d Joe quickly looked down. \u201cJoe? What is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe finally shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know. A few days ago\u2026I just knew, that I had no one in the world who cared. Now\u2026you\u2019re all fine, and I should be really happy\u2026I mean I am, but I\u2019m\u2026not. I\u2019m\u2026afraid. I don\u2019t know how to go back\u2026thinking about doing everything I did before\u2026it scares me. I don\u2019t know how to do it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou just do it one day at a time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not going to be easy, but we\u2019ll help you through it\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou just don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell me,\u201d he said gently. \u201cI want to understand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t, Adam,\u201d Joe almost snapped. \u201cYou can\u2019t understand it. Ever! I thought you were all dead!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had no idea what to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now you\u2019re not, and I\u2019m going back home. I don\u2019t know what to do! I don\u2019t know what to think, or how to feel! I should feel happy! But I\u2019m not! I\u2019m scared!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe there is no \u2018should\u2019 to how you should feel. You were kidnapped, and hurt, and-\u201c<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t understand! Why don\u2019t you just leave me alone?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLeave me alone, Adam! Just go away! Go away! Go away!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe-\u201c Adam instinctively tried to reach for him, to try to calm him, but Joe pulled away, shrieking.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLeave me alone! Leave me alone!\u201d Joe cried, throwing himself facedown on the floor. \u201cGo away! Go away! Go away!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam stared at him for a few seconds, at a complete loss of what to do. Finally he stood up walked out of the hotel room, pulling the door shut behind him. He had no idea what just happened. Joe had been through a lot; but why strike out against the one person who cared about him? Adam didn\u2019t understand what was going on in his brother\u2019s head, and he wasn\u2019t sure how to make it better. If he wanted him to leave, though, he would give him his space.<\/span><\/p>\n

The door opened, and Adam could hear his brother still crying inside. \u201cYou\u2019d better get in here,\u201d Matt said, and Adam walked in quickly.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was on the floor, frantically crying out, \u201cAdam!\u201d over and over.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m here,\u201d Adam replied, now completely confused.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at the sound of his voice. \u201cI\u2019m sorry! I didn\u2019t mean it, Adam! I didn\u2019t mean it!\u201d Adam started towards him, but Joe yelped and put his hands out protectively.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Adam said quietly, trying to reassure him. He started carefully towards him again, and finally reached him and sat down on the floor. \u201cIt\u2019s all right\u2026Joe, it\u2019s all right. Just calm down\u2026 I\u2019m not angry with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t leave me\u2026I\u2019ll never do anything wrong again\u2026I\u2019ll do anything you say, just please don\u2019t leave me\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam gently ran his hand over Joe\u2019s back. \u201cI\u2019m not going to leave,\u201d he responded, trying to calm him. \u201cIt\u2019s all right Joe, I\u2019m not going anywhere.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was almost as if Joe didn\u2019t even hear him through his hysterical sobs. \u201cPlease\u2026don\u2019t\u2026leave\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026it\u2019s all right. I\u2019m not leaving, I promise. No matter what happens, I\u2019m not going to leave you.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He lifted Joe and gently pulled him close, just holding him for a long while until his tears had stopped.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt swung the door open and stepped in. \u201cWell, I just ordered the food, and\u2026it should\u2026\u201d he started before he trailed off, looking around the room. When he had left, Adam had just started his letter to Ben.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, Joe, Adam, and the table were covered in ink stains, there were crumpled papers all over the floor, and Joe\u2019s eyes were rather red. Tear stains still marked his shirt, and he was glaring intently at the piece of paper in front of him, slowly and carefully moving his hand across it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam glanced up with a strained expression, and then looked back at Joe. \u201cOkay, good job, now the \u2018o\u2019\u2026that\u2019s right, over\u2026around and\u2026under. Great job, Joe. Last, the \u2018e\u2019, almost like the \u2018o\u2019, that\u2019s right, come up in the middle\u2026over\u2026and back and\u2026yes! You\u2019re finished! Wonderful job, little brother!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe got up and threw his arms around Adam, happily hugging him before pulling away and grabbing his letter, turning to Matt. \u201cI did it! I did it! Adam helped me write a letter! Here, listen\u2026\u2019Dear Pa and Hoss, I miss you and I can\u2019t wait to see you. Love, Little Joe\u2019.\u201d He smiled at Matt, and then grinned up at Adam.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam smiled back, and then took his letter and carefully folded it with his own, sliding it into the addressed envelope. He was hoping the letters made it home before they did, just to ease the shock. \u201cYou did a good job.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt smiled slightly. Usually Adam was very limited with his praise. It seemed his little brother brought out another side of him. \u201cGuess what, they finished drawing a bath for you in the next room,\u201d he said to Joe. Joe frowned, and then looked up towards Adam for confirmation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure,\u201d Adam said. \u201cAnd when you\u2019re finished getting cleaned up, we\u2019ll have supper.\u201d He reached out to put his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder, but the boy jerked away from him. Adam sighed as Joe moved close again, grasping his hand.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam smiled slightly, shaking his head, and then gently guided Joe out of the room, following Matt into the next one where a tub of water was set near the fireplace.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe quickly stripped off his old, ill-fitting clothing- he hadn\u2019t changed into the new ones yet- and then got into the tub. As soon as he was settled in, Adam said, \u201cYou keep washing, little brother. Matt and I are going to wait outside the door, all right?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, and then Adam stepped outside, where he immediately leaned against the wall with his eyes closed. Matt swung the door shut, and said, \u201cTell me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam slowly shook his head. \u201cI know it\u2019s not his fault, but I just don\u2019t understand it. Every time I touch him, he pulls away.\u201d Adam rubbed his eyes, continuing, \u201cAnd he just\u2026gets so angry, and then he\u2019s acting like a little child, kicking and screaming. He had two full-out tantrums while you were gone; lying on the floor and everything.\u201d Adam opened his eyes with a sigh. \u201cI\u2019m just hoping that once we get back to the Ponderosa and back to a normal life, he\u2019ll start to settle down. I want to try to help with the transition, but I don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d Adam ran his hand over his eyes again. \u201cAt least it doesn\u2019t look like he had any major injuries. I didn\u2019t see any scars or anything, did you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Matt shook his head, just as the door opened. They looked down to see Joe stick his head out. \u201cOkay,\u201d the boy said, and then started to close the door.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam put his hand out and caught it. \u201cIs something the matter?\u201d He watched through the crack as Joe shook his head and shrugged.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI just wanted to make sure you were still there,\u201d he said, and then closed the door all the way. Adam looked at the door for a moment, and then sighed and started to put the letters to his father in his pocket. Matt reached out and stopped him, and then took the envelope.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take care of this,\u201d Matt said. \u201cYou go take care of your brother.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam patted him on the shoulder, and then went into the room, where Joe smiled at him and then settled back in the tub, creating soap bubbles with his hands. After a few minutes Adam was as engrossed as Joe, and together they laughed as they tried to create bigger bubbles than each other until the soap ran out.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam\u2026what are you thinking?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam looked down at the boy lying sleepily next to him. \u201cI\u2019m thinking about how happy Pa is going to be when he sees you,\u201d he whispered. \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was silent for a few seconds. \u201cWell, I was thinking about Pa too. What do you think he\u2019s going to say when we get home?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think\u2026\u201d Adam looked down at Joe, running his fingers thoughtfully through the boy\u2019s hair. Joe didn\u2019t flinch. \u201cI think Pa is going to pick you up and just hug you\u2026for a very long time. I think he\u2019s going to tell you how much he missed you, and how much he loves you\u2026and\u2026and let you pick anything you want for a huge meal to celebrate.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe giggled. \u201cAnything? Even\u2026chicken and dumplings, and string beans, and potatoes, and fresh bread, and apple pie?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam smiled. \u201cAll that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think he\u2019s going to be upset with me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAbout what, Joe?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It was quiet for a few seconds, and then finally Joe just moved closer to him. \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Joe whispered. \u201cI just\u2026don\u2019t think he\u2019s gonna be happy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Joe, he is,\u201d Adam whispered. He wished he knew the reason behind Joe\u2019s fear. \u201cPa loves you, unconditionally, no matter what. He\u2019s not going to care, as long as he gets you back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy\u2026why do you think it\u2026happened?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did what happen?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis. Everything. Why do you think it happened?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam frowned. He wasn\u2019t quite sure what Joe was talking about. \u201cYou mean, why do I think you got kidnapped?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorta\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026I wasn\u2019t exactly there, Joe, but I know that that man decided to do something wrong, and take you away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was quiet for a few seconds. \u201cHe said I should be grateful that he took me, because I would have been lost in the city still, but with him and his wife I had a place to sleep and food.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2026?\u201d Adam was shocked. \u201cThat\u2019s not true at all, Joe. Had he not taken you, we would have found you and we all would have been back home.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI told him that,\u201d Joe said quietly. \u201cBut\u2026he called me half-witted and said that if I argued with him he would take a strap to me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam pushed aside his anger at the man, because he sensed there was something Joe was keeping back. \u201cWhat else did he say?\u201d When Joe whispered in reply, he knew he was right. \u201cJoe\u2026I couldn\u2019t hear you. What did you say?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe said it was deliberate.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was deliberate?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat I got lost.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean that you got lost deliberately?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cN-no\u2026that\u2026Pa\u2026\u201d Joe sighed. \u201cThat Pa\u2026lost\u2026me. Deliberately.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean that Pa left you on purpose in the city?\u201d Adam felt Joe nod. \u201cBut why? Joe, why would he do that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe said\u2026it was because I was willful and disobedient. That he didn\u2019t want me anymore\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. No Joe, that\u2019s not true at all. Pa\u2026\u201d Adam swallowed as he thought back to that day. \u201cI\u2019ve never seen Pa so scared in his entire life. He was\u2026frantic with worry, he asked every single person he saw if they had seen you, he almost ran, back the way he came, calling your name, describing you to people\u2026he did everything he could to find you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was quiet for awhile. \u201cReally?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course Joe. Why on earth would Pa ever leave you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know. It just\u2026I\u2019m sorry Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. It\u2019s not your fault. I don\u2019t want you thinking like that, Joe. He took you away from us, lied to you and hurt you. Pa loves you so much, Joe. He could never ever leave you like that. All right?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAll right\u2026\u201d the boy whispered, and then Adam felt him move against him as he started to drift to sleep. Adam closed his eyes and settled back, trying to push away his anger. He wished that he could know every single thing that had happened to his brother; but even if he did, he knew he would never be able to get the person to had done it to him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe frowned, and watched as his reflection in the mirror changed with him. He didn\u2019t like it. The frown in the mirror faded away, leaving only sadness and fear left in his expression. Joe didn\u2019t like those either, but he wasn\u2019t sure how to change them. He turned his face to both sides, looking at each of his cheeks. There were no bruises left at all. He knew there had been bruises, because they had hurt just like the ones he could see had. He was glad they were gone. He grasped one of his unruly curls, pulling it down almost to the tip of his nose, before letting it spring back up. They\u2019d be gone soon too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, son, are you ready?\u201d the large, friendly looking man asked. Joe sighed as he observed the scissors in his hand.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir,\u201d he replied quietly, even though he hardly needed to. He glanced over towards Adam, who was seated in the next chair getting a shave. The man took the mirror and set it down next to him, and then grasped a handful of hair and cut. The curls fell all over him, over the cloth around his shoulders. He hadn\u2019t allowed Beth to cut his hair, even though she had wanted to. He hardly let her touch him at all. He felt a twinge of guilt, remembering how rude he had been to her; but then, he remembered the punishment he had received when Eli found out. Eli had been beyond furious with him. He had whipped Joe with a belt every hour, and forced him to sit on a wooden chair in between beatings. It had lasted until Joe had fallen off the chair, almost unconscious.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere you are, son.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up as the man handed him the mirror again. A very different person sat before him now. The long tangled curls were gone, and his hair was short, neat, and wavy. He ran his hand through it, and had to admit it looked and felt a whole lot better. He smiled a little. \u201cThank you,\u201d he said quietly as the man tugged the cloth from his shoulders. Joe slid off the chair, and went to Adam, who was leaning back with a towel over his face. \u201cThey cut your hair too, Adam,\u201d he observed, as he ran his fingers through his brother\u2019s shortened hair. Adam moved a little, and Joe jerked his hand away as instinctive fear rushed through him. Adam pulled the towel away, and as soon as Joe saw the smile on his brother\u2019s face, the fear dissolved.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sat up, and ran his hand over Joe\u2019s head. \u201cLook at you,\u201d Adam grinned, and then his smile faded a little as he looked closer at his brother. \u201cLet\u2019s take a walk,\u201d he said, and then stood up and handed some money to the men who had cut their hair. Adam led Joe outside with an arm around his shoulders. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sighed, and then told him about the beating. \u201cI wasn\u2019t really rude to her anymore after that. I know I shouldn\u2019t have been to begin with, but I thought if she got fed up with me, she\u2019d make him let me go.\u201d Adam stopped, turning Joe to face him. \u201cWhat is it?\u201d Joe asked apprehensively.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Adam looked rather angry, and Joe backed up a little. \u201cNo, it\u2019s all right. I\u2019m\u2026\u201d He shook his head. \u201cI\u2019m upset that it happened. You should never have been treated like that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I shouldn\u2019t have told you about it,\u201d Joe said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, no, I\u2019m not upset with you, or that you told me,\u201d Adam said, moving towards him and crouching in front of him. \u201cYou can tell me anything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cReally?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded. Joe smiled slightly at him, and then tugged his hand. Adam stood up, and they went back to the hotel. Once inside the room, Joe pulled off his jacket, and then waited for Adam to sit down before dropping onto the settee next to him. Joe stared at the floor for a few moments, and then looked towards his brother. \u201cThere is\u2026one thing, it\u2019s\u2026\u201d Joe stopped, taking a breath, and then letting it out as he tried to think of what to say.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGo ahead. I\u2019m listening.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2026I\u2019ve just, hurt, inside, ever since, and\u2026if it might make it better\u2026\u201d Joe took a deep breath again. \u201cIt\u2026was my 11th birthday, Adam. I was locked in my room all day, because he was away. I\u2026was trying to make myself feel better. I imagined what my birthday meal would have been like. You were there, and Pa and Hoss. Pa let me sit in his chair, just for that one night. He made all my favorite foods, and a cake. It had eleven candles. I\u2026\u201d Joe looked away, down at his hands. \u201cIt sounds stupid, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe,\u201d Adam whispered back. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t. I want to hear more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026really pictured that cake, Adam. I held my breath, and wished, harder than I\u2019d ever wished for anything before, and then I imagined blowing the candles out. They all went out on the first try, every single one. That\u2026meant it should have come true. But it didn\u2019t. I opened my eyes, and\u2026the room was still dark\u2026and\u2026I was still cold\u2026and alone.\u201d Joe closed his eyes. The feelings from that night were painful. \u201cI just\u2026gave up\u2026after that,\u201d he whispered. \u201cI\u2026did exactly what I was told, and barely said anything. It just\u2026hurt so much\u2026knowing I was alone, and I would never see any of you again.\u201d Joe felt Adam\u2019s arms around him, and then he was lifted slightly into an embrace. He leaned his head against Adam\u2019s shoulder, still keeping his eyes closed, trying to push those memories away and just think about now. He hadn\u2019t felt so safe, cared for, or loved in such a long time. And perhaps best of all, he wasn\u2019t afraid of losing it again.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam turned back towards Joe. \u201cYeah?\u201d he called back over the sounds of the horses\u2019 hoof beats.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre we gonna stop for lunch?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam seemed to laugh. \u201cWell, not right now, Joe. We\u2019ll be home in just a few minutes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe froze, and then yanked back on the reins. His startled horse reared, and then came to a grumpy halt. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam stopped, and then rode back, looking puzzled. \u201cJoe\u2026the ranch house is just over that hill. You\u2026didn\u2019t forget? Did you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe shook his head uncomfortably. \u201cI\u2026really wasn\u2019t paying attention.\u201d He had been thinking about the impending reunion with the rest of his family, imagining all the different scenarios, and hoping so much that Adam\u2019s version was the right one. He shook his head. \u201cI\u2026Adam\u2026I\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026it\u2019s all right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do it, Adam. I just can\u2019t\u2026right now. Please, let\u2019s ride around a little more\u2026\u201d Adam was shaking his head.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026your father and your brother, who have loved you your whole life, are waiting for you just over that hill. There\u2019s nothing to be afraid of.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, fighting back tears. \u201cI know,\u201d he said. \u201cI know what you said, and I want to much to believe it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can believe it. It\u2019s the truth\u2026I promise.\u201d Adam reached over and lifted Joe off of his horse and set him in front of him, with an arm around Joe\u2019s waist to help him balance. \u201cCome on,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019re almost home.\u201d He took the reins of the other horse, and then started towards the ranch house again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon they were over the small hill, and through the trees the house could be seen.<\/span><\/p>\n

They rode into the yard.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe almost held his breath as he looked around. There were chickens clustered in a little group, feeding in the grass at the side of the house. Horses moved and whinnied in the corral, and he could see the dairy cows in the pasture behind the barn. There was no sign of his father or brother. He felt Adam lift him, and then help him slide onto the ground. Adam swung down, and then wrapped the reins of the two horses around a rail.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They started towards the house, and with each step Joe felt the nervousness in his stomach grow. He kept repeating the things that Adam had been telling him, over and over.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, just come up to the house when you\u2019re done, Hoss.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stopped, and turned towards the sound of the voice, to see his father walking around the side of the barn. Ben had his eyes to the ground, but then he paused, and looked up towards the horses that were tethered in the yard. He turned and looked towards the house, and then he froze. He was just standing, staring at him. His brow was furrowed, and Joe couldn\u2019t tell what he was thinking. Joe felt Adam move behind him, his hand settled on his shoulder, and then he was gently pushed towards the yard. As soon as he moved, Ben was running across the yard towards him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe found himself being lifted into his father\u2019s arms, and for a split second he was panic-stricken, but then he felt the love in his father\u2019s embrace, and he threw his arms around him. \u201cPa!\u201d he cried. \u201cPa!\u201d Joe buried his face in his shoulder. \u201cOh, Pa\u2026\u201d he sobbed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben didn\u2019t say anything; he just tightened his embrace, holding him, feeling his son\u2019s little arms around his neck, clutching at his collar. He closed his eyes and put his hand on the back of Joe\u2019s head, touching, caressing those curls, missed for so long, and he felt Hoss\u2019s arms wrap around him and Joe, and realized he was saying something. Telling Joe, how frightened they had been, how much they missed him, how much they loved him, and how happy there were to have him back. Words that Ben longed to say but could not force past his lips.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben could hardly believe he was holding his son again. It felt like ages, and at the same time like seconds, since he had last had him in his arms. All the things that he wanted to say, that he had imagined saying throughout the months of searching\u2026all of them gone. He could never have imagined what this moment would even have felt like. His son was alive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben finally knelt down and set Joe on the ground just in front of him. He placed his hands on Joe\u2019s waist and gently held him a little ways away. Ben brushed his hand over his son\u2019s face, smoothing away the tears. He was taller, skinnier, and evidence of what he went through could be seen in the look in his eyes. There was fear there, along with those tears, and hurt. His child had been hurt. Ben pulled him close again. He wanted so much to take that fear and hurt away, to erase it, make it so it never happened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked up at Adam, who was standing close by with his arm around Hoss\u2019s shoulders, watching. He looked so incredibly happy, and nodded slightly at him. It was going to be all right.<\/span><\/p>\n

With a little reluctance, Ben finally released Joe, and then moved so that Hoss could come forward and scoop the little boy into a huge embrace. Hoss spun him through the air, making Joe laugh. He set him back down, and Joe smiled up at him, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. \u201cI sure missed you, Hoss,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked towards the last person who had come outside to greet him and Adam. It was a man, who seemed short compared to Hoss and Pa. He had kind eyes, and was wearing clothes very different from Joe\u2019s family. Adam reached out towards the man, beckoning him to come closer. \u201cJoe, this is Hop Sing. Pa hired him a few months ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The man moved towards Joe, as Hoss loudly proclaimed, \u201cAnd his cooking sure is the best! Why, you should taste his chicken and dumplings, and potatoes, and does he make the best pie you ever had!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing offered a small bow, and then, his accent different from any Joe had heard before, said, \u201cVery pleased finally meet youngest son. Family tell so much about\u2026many good things. Happy arrive home safely.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe wondered how much Hop Song knew about what had happened. \u201cIt\u2019s nice to meet you,\u201d he said. Joe felt an arm fall around his shoulders and he jumped as fear raged through him. After a moment he forced himself to breathe again, and looked up. His father was staring down at him, with a slightly concerned look on his face. Joe smiled uncomfortably, knowing he couldn\u2019t offer him an explanation. \u201cHi, Pa,\u201d he stuttered, feeling stupid as his face turned red. He looked away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t we go inside and get you settled?\u201d Ben said gently. \u201cI\u2019ll be you\u2019re famished. Hop Sing has been preparing a wonderful supper for us, and I think it\u2019s probably just about done.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben guided him inside behind the others, and then helped him take his jacket off, hanging it on the hook next to the door. Joe looked again. His old jacket was still there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He reached up and pulled it down, as a wave of memories seemed to crash into him. Every rip, stain, and blood spot had a story and he wanted to try it on; but he knew it wouldn\u2019t fit him, and even now he wished he had waited until no one was looking to take it down from the hook.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

They weren\u2019t saying anything. They were all just watching him stand there near the door, holding his old jacket in his hand, reliving the memories it brought back. That\u2019s all they were, memories. To his shock, he realized that he didn\u2019t feel that way now; the way that this house, and that jacket, and these people had always made him feel. He closed his eyes. He was different. He was afraid, and each time he thought of his father, he had to push away the fears that rose, and replace them with the things that Adam had said. This was going to be hard, so hard, and he felt so alone. Not even Adam knew everything.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go sit down,\u201d Adam said, and Joe opened his eyes as his brother pulled the jacket out of his hands and hung it up. Joe followed his father and brothers to the living room. Ben sat down in his chair next to the fireplace, and then held out his hands with a smile. Joe smiled back, with surprise at the warm memories that action brought. He walked over and climbed onto his father\u2019s lap, and Ben wrapped his arms around him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI hardly\u2026even know where to begin,\u201d Ben said. \u201cI don\u2019t understand\u2026Hoss said you were going to San Francisco on business, Adam.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss squirmed a little. \u201cI lied, Pa.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want you to be disappointed if it was a false lead,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI see,\u201d Ben replied. He hugged Joe slightly. \u201cWell, tell me about it,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam started to respond, but Joe cut in. \u201cLet me,\u201d he said quietly. Adam nodded, and Joe gave him a slight smile, and then looked up towards Pa. \u201cAdam found me in California. The brother of the man who kidnapped me took me to live with him. Clyde was really nice to me\u2026him and his wife. I think he sent Adam a letter\u2026?\u201d He looked towards his brother for confirmation.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe sent a letter asking about our deaths, and whether any family could be reached.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, and then looked down. \u201cI thought you were all dead\u2026\u201d he said, and then couldn\u2019t help but shudder. He felt his father tighten his hug slightly, and he knew he had felt it. He closed his eyes and leaned back against Ben, thinking about the day he got lost. He wanted so much to ask him what had happened\u2026why he had left\u2026but he was almost afraid to hear the answer.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe hugged his arms around himself. \u201cI\u2026I looked up, and you were gone,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben pulled him closer. \u201cSon, I\u2019m so sorry. Countless times\u2026again and again, I\u2019ve criticized my actions on that day. I should have kept you nearby\u2026should never have left you out of my sight, not for a moment.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Joe whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever for?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. He suddenly felt so much guilt; for believing his father capable of leaving him, for putting him through all the worry, for not trying to leave to find them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened, after we got separated?\u201d Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sighed. \u201cA woman found me, after a while. She said she would help me and I believed her. She took me with her to her husband, and then told him I was an orphan, and she wanted to take me back with them. I tried\u2026to tell them, that I wasn\u2019t\u2026but they wouldn\u2019t listen. He wouldn\u2019t listen to me. He hit me\u2026really hard, and threw me in their wagon\u2026and I was scared, so I didn\u2019t say anything else. He took me back to their farm, and I begged him, over and over to let me go\u2026 At first he kept me locked up, and then he told me that\u2026he told me\u2026that you\u2026\u201d Joe trailed off. He couldn\u2019t get the words out. \u201cHe gave me chores, and told me if I wanted anything to eat, I had to finish them by dark, and if I didn\u2019t, I missed dinner, and breakfast the next day, until I got them done. I had a bed at first, but he took it away. He said I didn\u2019t deserve it.\u201d Joe opened his eyes. Adam looked somber, and thoughtful, as if he was applying this new information to everything else Joe had told him. Hoss had such a look of sadness on his face, and anger. Joe sort of wished that Eli was still alive, to suffer the wrath of his family for what he had put them all through.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, what did he tell you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat you were dead,\u201d Joe quickly replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou said that,\u201d Ben replied gently. \u201cWhat else did he say?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth, but the words wouldn\u2019t form. He shook his head. There was no way he could force himself to tell his father. \u201cPlease, Pa\u2026\u201d he whispered. \u201cDon\u2019t ask that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I want to know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut it wasn\u2019t true, Pa! He told me lies, and they weren\u2019t true, so it doesn\u2019t matter! Don\u2019t ask me that again!\u201d He felt anger rising, inexplicably, as he struggled to keep from yelling. There was silence, as the others glanced at each other, trying to understand. He saw the look Adam gave them, and he pulled away from Ben and went to his brother. \u201cAdam,\u201d he snapped, standing in front of him, fists clenched at his sides. \u201cDon\u2019t. Tell. Them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam raised his eyebrows. \u201cJoe\u2026calm down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d he yelled. \u201cYou can\u2019t tell them, you can\u2019t! Why did you bring me back, if you\u2019re going to tell them? They\u2019ll only hate me, and then I\u2019ll wish I was anywhere else but here! Adam!\u201d Furious tears blocked his sight, and he felt his brother\u2019s hands on his arms, and then he was being lifted and carried out. Everything would be wrong if Adam told! His father loved him right now! What would he do when he found out that Joe believed he had left him? \u201cNo! No! Adam, you can\u2019t\u2026\u201d he cried as he was set down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome here, put some water on your face.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, don\u2019t tell! It\u2019ll ruin everything!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, little brother.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt Adam bend over him, pushing him towards the water pump. Water was splashed onto his face, washing away the frantic tears that had been falling. Joe felt better, almost immediately, as his brother splashed him a couple more times, and then handed him a cup to take a drink. He gulped the water down, and then wiped his face on his sleeve.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome along,\u201d Adam said, and then led him back towards the house. Joe couldn\u2019t force himself to look up at his father or brother as he went past them near the doorway. \u201cGo on upstairs, and get changed for supper. Here, here\u2019s my saddlebag. Your other clothes are in here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe grabbed it, and then raced up the stairs, changing as quickly as he could. He didn\u2019t want to give Adam too much time to talk about him.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss looked past his fork at Joe. His brother\u2019s head was down; he was solely concentrating on the food in front of him. Hoss sighed and looked back at his plate. He couldn\u2019t think of one thing to say- not one. He tried to think about what they used to talk about, but all he could remember was the nonsense stuff. It had been so easy then. Joe had laughed along as they made up their own secret language, skipped stones for hours, even as they did their chores together. They had talked about things they wanted to do, and places they wanted to go, and how much they missed their brother. Joe used to sneak through the woods, and Hoss would try to track him. They built a tree fort and a raft. They both almost drowned from the raft incident, as they had loaded their pockets with stones before setting sail. They went home soaking wet and pant-less. Joe teased Hoss, and Hoss wrestled with him. When Joe had broken his arm, Hoss read him stories and played games and brought him bird nests from trees he wasn\u2019t able to climb.<\/span><\/p>\n

And now they had nothing to talk about. Adam had explained to them that Joe often had such bursts of anger, and that he hadn\u2019t even wanted anyone to touch him after he was first found. Hoss was worried about what kind of treatment, or injuries, his brother had received to make him so angry and frightened. Surely the brother he knew a year ago had to still be there\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, he cleared his throat. \u201cSay, Joe,\u201d he said. \u201cYou remember that old fishing spot near the rocks that we found a while back?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe paused with a puzzled look before nodding.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I was out there the other day, and I saw the biggest fish that you ever seen. What say we go out there tomorrow and try to catch it? Or at least catch something?\u201d Hoss grinned at him. He was happy to see Joe slowly smile back, and then happily nod.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be great, Hoss,\u201d Joe said, real happiness in his voice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe Adam and Pa could come too, if you want,\u201d Hoss suggested.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at Adam, then Ben, a little nervously waiting their response.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben smiled at him. \u201cI think you boys should go,\u201d he said. \u201cHop Sing could pack you a lunch.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked back towards Hoss, both relief and disappointment on his face. \u201cWe\u2019ll catch that fish,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss grinned at him, and then went back to his food, happy to see a bit of the old Joe again.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben glanced at the clock again. It was past 10, but he hated putting a stop to his sons\u2019 game. Hoss had suggested checkers after dinner, and Joe had been happy to play. Finally, after a couple more minutes, their match was done. \u201cExcellent job, son,\u201d he complimented Joe on the win. \u201cNow I think it\u2019s time for you two to head off to bed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss put the checkers in the box, and then stood up. \u201cGood night, Pa. Good night, Adam, Joe.\u201d He hugged Joe, and then started for his room.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you want to get ready for bed, Joe, I\u2019ll be up in a few minutes to say good night and tuck you in,\u201d Ben said. Joe nodded, and then started for the stairs but as he reached the bottom he paused and looked back.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAren\u2019t you coming, Adam?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam started to answer, but Ben was already saying, \u201cYour brother is older, and can stay up later than you, son. Go on, and I\u2019ll be up in a minute.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam watched as Ben turned towards the fireplace to put a couple more pieces of wood in the flames. Joe took a few steps back into the room. \u201cI don\u2019t want to go to bed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at him with surprise. \u201cJoe\u2026I\u2019m sure you must be tired-\u201c<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not going!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at him, puzzled and a little angry. Angry that his son was, again, acting like this, and wondering what his captors had done to cause him to behave so violently. He took a deep breath and reminded himself of what Adam had told them before supper. It wasn\u2019t Joe\u2019s fault, entirely, but he didn\u2019t understand how his son could have forgotten how he was raised. \u201cJoseph,\u201d he said kindly, but firmly. \u201cI know you\u2019ve had a long day. Go on upstairs and get ready for bed, and I\u2019ll be right up to say goodnight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe angrily kicked at one of the chairs near the stairs as tears started to flow. \u201cNo! You can\u2019t tell me what to do! I\u2019m not going, I won\u2019t!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, I certainly can tell you what to do, I\u2019m your father. Go upstairs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo! I\u2019m not going, I\u2019m not going! You can\u2019t make me and I\u2019m not going!\u201d he yelled.<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam grimaced as Joe threw himself down onto the floor, screaming and crying. A full out tantrum. He had stopped the earlier one, but hadn\u2019t prepared their father for this. He moved past Ben, who was going towards Joe, and said, \u201cPa, let me.\u201d He grabbed one of Joe\u2019s arms, and then pulled him up. Joe\u2019s cries only got worse as Adam carried him up the stairs past Hoss, who had come back down to see what had happened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo! No! I\u2019m not going! I\u2019m not!\u201d Joe cried as Adam carried him into his room and set him on the bed. Adam sat down next to him, and then tugged his shirt off amid screams and kicks. Adam looked up to see Ben and Hoss watching from the door, but Joe seemed oblivious. This was going to be hard to explain, he knew. He unbuttoned the boy\u2019s pants, and then tugged them off as well. There was a nightshirt that he had left earlier for his brother. He gently held Joe until he had pulled it over his head, and then he guided his arms into the sleeves. Finally he settled back, holding the child in his arms. \u201cHush now,\u201d he whispered, rubbing his hand over Joe\u2019s back. \u201cCome on, stop those tears. Hush\u2026it\u2019s all right. You\u2019re all right.\u201d He kept talking, and rocking his brother until Joe had settled down enough to hear him. \u201cYou had a long day today, buddy; but you did a good job; I\u2019m proud of you. It was really hard for you, I know. But you\u2019re all right now\u2026everything\u2019s all right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2019s angry, isn\u2019t he?\u201d Joe choked out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, he isn\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut Adam\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShh\u2026that\u2019s enough. He\u2019s not angry, and he\u2019s not going to be angry.\u201d Adam looked up at Ben and Hoss, and then nodded to them that they could come in. \u201cLook. Pa and Hoss came in to say goodnight.\u201d Joe looked up as Ben reached down towards him. Joe pulled away quickly, pressing against Adam. Adam acted as if nothing had happened. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you give Pa a hug, and I\u2019ll turn down your bed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached up, and allowed Ben to lift him. \u201cGood night. I love you, son,\u201d Ben said, looking at Adam with some confusion. It was as though the boy hadn\u2019t just pulled away from his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you too, Pa,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss reached out and patted Joe on the back. \u201cGood night, Little Joe. I hope you have pleasant dreams.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Night Hoss,\u201d Joe whispered, and then reached for Adam, who took him and settled him into bed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam sat down next to him, and dimmed the lamp. \u201cI\u2019ll be down in a little bit, Pa,\u201d he said quietly, and then lay down next to Joe. The child rolled over and settled against him, and then Ben and Hoss left.<\/span><\/p>\n

After a few minutes Joe\u2019s breathing had taken an even rhythm, and Adam waited until he was sure Joe was soundly asleep before carefully getting up and leaving the room. Downstairs, Ben was sitting in his chair, a book in hand; but Adam doubted he had been reading it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stood up. \u201cWhat was that?\u201d he asked.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam could sense the anger underneath his father\u2019s quiet tone. \u201cHe was tired, Pa. And angry. You just saw the best way I\u2019ve discovered to deal with it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis has happened before?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2026 it\u2019s happened a\u2026few times. There\u2019s just so much he has bottled up inside.\u201d Adam shook his head. \u201cHe can\u2019t talk about it. He gets so angry, and he doesn\u2019t know how to let it out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sighed. \u201cWhat do you think happened tonight?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Adam replied. \u201cHe was probably just overly tired, and wanted to make sure I was there. He\u2019s been doing that since I found him\u2026he won\u2019t go to sleep unless I\u2019m right there. I\u2019m going to stay in his room tonight. He\u2019ll most likely wake up a few times.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe certainly isn\u2019t the same.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll probably never be,\u201d Adam replied, and then looked away from the hurt look that crossed his father\u2019s face. It was the truth. Joe was forever, permanently, changed. Someday, hopefully he would be closer to the way he had been before; but Adam knew they couldn\u2019t erase what had happened. They would all carry those memories forever, and they would affect everything they did. \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you coming tomorrow?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think he needs some time with Hoss. I know he needs time with me too, but\u2026\u201d Ben paused. \u201cI don\u2019t want to push him too much yet. I do want to talk with him soon. There\u2019s something else he\u2019s not talking about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded, thinking about what Joe had told him in San Francisco.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it Adam?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam had to chuckle. It always amazed him how well his father could read him. \u201cThere are a few things, Pa. I just don\u2019t know if you really want to hear them.\u201d Adam watched as his father turned towards the fire, fear in his expression. Fear of finding out something he would rather not know.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Ben said, \u201cPlease tell me. Joe shouldn\u2019t have to go through this alone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam nodded. \u201cAll right,\u201d he said. \u201cJoe\u2026was told that you didn\u2019t want him. That you left him in the city deliberately, because he was disobedient.\u201d Ben turned, and Adam saw the anger on his face. Adam sighed, and told him all the other things Joe had said and did. When he was finished, Ben was pacing angrily in front of the fireplace.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow could he tell him that. How could he even take him! And how could Joe-\u201c Ben stopped. He couldn\u2019t blame his son for what happened; it wasn\u2019t his fault. And yet\u2026 \u201cI don\u2019t understand\u2026how could he think that? How could he actually believe any of that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa. He was hurt, and afraid.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam I\u2019m not blaming him. I just don\u2019t understand what made him believe those things\u2026that I would actually leave him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe was just trying to figure out why he was there so long. Why he got kidnapped to begin with. He\u2019s looking for reasons, for someone to put blame on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not on the person who did this then?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam flinched a little at the fury in his father\u2019s voice and wondered if not telling him might have been the better decision. Still, at least now if Joe brought it up, their father would be prepared.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Something woke Adam, and as he opened his eyes he realized his youngest brother was awake next to him, quietly sobbing. \u201cJoe,\u201d he whispered, taking his brother into a hug. \u201cTell me what\u2019s wrong. Did you have another nightmare?\u201d Adam felt Joe shake his head against his shoulder. \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe began to answer, but then just started to cry harder into Adam\u2019s nightshirt.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you all right? Do you feel sick?\u201d Adam felt Joe\u2019s arms tighten around him, almost as though that was the reason.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t say anything for a long time, and just as Adam was about to prompt him again, Joe whispered, \u201cI feel like my heart hurts.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Even if Adam knew what to say to that, he wouldn\u2019t have been able to respond.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know Pa anymore. I\u2026I feel so alone around him\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Joe\u2026\u201d Adam whispered, and hugged him tighter.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t feel that way around you, Adam. You don\u2019t treat me like he does. He acts like he\u2019s afraid of me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes, and ran his hand over Joe\u2019s head, and as his brother started crying again he gently rocked him. He wished there was something he could say that would help him. Telling him to be patient wouldn\u2019t make him feel better. It would take a little time to reestablish the relationships that had been broken. For everyone.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHave fun, Joe,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, adjusting the reins in his hand. He couldn\u2019t bring himself to look at his father. Breakfast had been strained and awkward, and Joe knew that Adam must have told their father. He looked at his brothers, who were finishing up packing things, wishing they would hurry.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Ben started, putting a hand on his knee.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBye Pa,\u201d Joe said hastily, and then dug his heels into the horse\u2019s sides. His horse started off, and he directed him into the woods, towards the direction of the lake.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe heard them behind him, calling him, and urged his horse to go faster. The feeling of absolute freedom was almost overwhelming. He could go anywhere right now. He could do anything he wanted, and no one would tell him what to do, or punish him for wanting to be free.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He wanted to run away from it all; from the nightmares that never ended, and the feelings of anger- anger towards the people that did this to him, and towards himself, and even towards his family.<\/span><\/p>\n

As his horse approached the field ahead, he tugged him to a stop. Slipping off the saddle, he started to run.<\/span><\/p>\n

The wind rushed past him, and the swish of tall dried grass being pushed out of his way was endless. Ahead was a sea of it; welcoming, beckoning him, but every time he seemed to get close, the end would move farther away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He ran on, feeling his heart pounding so loud in his chest, and every time he gasped in a breath, the pain was sharp but it kept him focused. Behind him, he had heard the sound of horse\u2019s hooves, but they had faded away, and he was glad for it. It made it easier to pretend it was just him, running away. Not from his family, who were so far behind him in his imagination. Running from the nagging voices, and feelings that he couldn\u2019t express.<\/span><\/p>\n

The anger drove him on, and he forced himself to run faster. All he could hear was his breath, gasping sounds in his head, and the thud as his feet hit the ground. The brown sea ahead was blurry, as hot tears flushed his eyes. The ground seemed to be pushing at him, daring him to keep going, trying him that he might fall. He wouldn\u2019t give up.<\/span><\/p>\n

The field was ending. Up ahead he could see trees, and rocks, and dirt. Suddenly his feet were pulled from under him, and he fell hard in the grass, crying out as he landed. Gasping for air, he pushed himself up and kept going. His head was starting to hurt and his legs were getting tired, but it felt so good to run; get away from it all. Once again he fell, and this time pain shot through his knee.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rolling onto his back, he gasped in air, and as the dizzy sensation settled, he became aware of the slowing sound of approaching horses. He reached a shaky hand down to his knee, and felt the tear in the fabric, and the sticky wetness of blood. The horses hooves got louder, and then stopped. Someone walked towards him, and then his view of the white-clouded sky was replaced by the concerned faces of his brothers.<\/span><\/p>\n

They just looked down at him, and he tried to pretend they weren\u2019t there. After a few moments, when the roar in his head had lessened, he pushed himself up again. Hoss tried to help him up, but he shook his head. \u201cI\u2019m not done yet,\u201d he said, and started off again. He knew exactly where he was going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Each time he fell, he forced himself to get back up again, and his brothers followed a distance behind with their horses. Finally the lake appeared, and he climbed to the little hill overlooking it, where he almost collapsed on the ground next to a tree. He looked up as Adam and Hoss sat down on either side of him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBetter?\u201d Adam said quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Joe choked out. He took a deep breath. Her grave was exactly how he remembered it. Joe glanced down as Hoss handed him something. A canteen. \u201cThanks,\u201d he said quietly. He drank, and then handed the canteen back and leaned his head against Hoss.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened, Joe?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes and took a deep breath. \u201cA lot\u2026\u201d he sighed.<\/span><\/p>\n

They sat there for awhile, until finally Joe stood up, trying to brush some of the dirt from his pants. \u201cCome on,\u201d he said, turning back towards his brothers. \u201cLet\u2019s just forget it for a little while, please? Let\u2019s go have some fun.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

They stood up, smiling, Hoss a little more readily than Adam, Joe noted. Hoss bent down, and then flipped Joe over his shoulder. \u201cCome on, young\u2019en\u2019\u201d Hoss said, and then carried him towards the lake. Joe laughed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

That night, Joe was wide awake. He wasn\u2019t sure what time it was, but he knew he should have been asleep long ago. Things kept running through his mind, and try as he might, he couldn\u2019t quiet them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He felt so out of place here. He hated feeling like a stranger among his family, in the house that should feel like home. It was getting better, but sometimes he still jumped when someone came into a room or tried to touch him. He was just used to living in constant fear, and he didn\u2019t know why he couldn\u2019t just let it go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He repeated to himself, over and over, that there was nothing to be afraid of, that no one was going to hurt him\u2026but he didn\u2019t believe it. He\u2019d had another nightmare last night, the same one. He had finally found his father in San Francisco, but Ben had pushed him away. Joe fell, and looked up at him, crying, \u201cWhy?\u201d over and over. \u201cI don\u2019t want you,\u201d was Ben\u2019s reply.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe rolled over with a sigh. It was a constant struggle between resentment and guilt. He wasn\u2019t sure who to blame for what happened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He just wished he could run away from it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, have you seen Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

His father\u2019s slightly frantic question brought back horrible memories of the day Joe went missing, but Adam forced them away as he closed the front door behind him and turned towards his father, dropping his jacket on a chair. \u201cWhat is it Pa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen him for the last few hours, and I thought he might have been with you; but if he isn\u2019t I don\u2019t know where else to look\u2026why would he just go off like this? He had to know I would worry! What if something happened to him?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam watched as his father paced across the room and back. \u201cPa, he\u2019s probably here somewhere. I know he wouldn\u2019t just-\u201c Adam was interrupted by the front door banging open.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Adam turned to see Joe run happily into the house. Ben quickly intercepted Joe, grasping his arms. \u201cDon\u2019t you ever leave without telling me where you\u2019re going Joseph!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam knew Ben\u2019s show of anger was unintentional, still, Joe\u2019s eyes had gone wide and he was standing frozen, just staring up at his father. Ben realized what he had done, and he quickly dropped to his knees in front of Joe. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, son; I just worried about you\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet me go,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben stared at him, the pain of losing his son again to this inner nightmare cutting through him. Reluctantly, he dropped his hands as Adam moved behind Joe. As Joe started to turn, Adam stopped him, gently holding him so he still faced his Pa. \u201cHe was scared, Joe,\u201d Adam said softly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo he wasn\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph\u2026\u201d Ben whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Without warning, Joe flew at his father, striking him with his fists and crying out in anger and frustration. \u201cJoe-\u201c Adam gasped, and quickly pulled his brother away. Adam looked up at their father. It was then he realized that Ben hadn\u2019t done anything to try and stop Joe. The hurt was evident on Ben\u2019s face, and Adam slowly shook his head. He wanted to be able to tell him that it wasn\u2019t his fault, and he didn\u2019t know why Joe was acting like this. Joe loved their father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026what did I do?\u201d Ben asked quietly, his voice tired and worn.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you find me?\u201d the boy cried, his face pressed into Adam\u2019s shirt. \u201cHe told me you didn\u2019t want me, over and over, but I didn\u2019t believe him! Then he told me you were dead, and I knew that\u2019s why you didn\u2019t come for me! But you weren\u2019t dead! You weren\u2019t! Why didn\u2019t you want me? Why? I didn\u2019t mean to wander away! I didn\u2019t mean to! I know I deserved everything that happened, but\u2026it wasn\u2019t fair, Pa! It wasn\u2019t fair!\u201d Joe\u2019s words became blurred as frantic sobs broke through his voice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben reached out and pulled him into his arms. \u201cJoe\u2026\u201d Joe collapsed against him, sobbing. Ben cupped the back of Joe\u2019s head with his hand, holding him close. \u201cHe told you terrible, untrue things. I would never had left you deliberately. I looked Joe, I was searching\u2026for days and nights in a row. For months. If I had known where you were, I would have been there in a heartbeat.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was quiet for a few minutes, as his tears died away. Finally he pulled away from Ben. \u201cI\u2019m going to go to my room,\u201d he whispered, and then turned and ran upstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy won\u2019t he believe me?\u201d Ben asked, not really to Adam. Ben was silent for a few moments, and then he rose slowly to his feet.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In his bed, Joe pulled his blanket over his head, his actions replaying themselves over and over. He had struck his own father. Joe felt his face burning at the shame of it, and he knew he deserved to be punished. As angry as he was, he should never have even thought of acting that way.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat up slowly as footsteps came to a stop outside his door. He tossed the blanket aside and stood up as the door was opened. Ben stepped into the room, and Joe didn\u2019t know what to make of his father\u2019s expression. He wasn\u2019t angry\u2026exactly. He looked upset, but as though he was trying to appear calm. Joe figured it was a sure thing for a spanking\u2026or worse. He took a deep breath.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026I\u2019m sorry I hit you,\u201d Joe said. \u201cI\u2026I know, what you\u2019re going to do, but\u2026if you please\u2026I\u2019d much rather go without meals for the rest of the day than that.\u201d Ben closed his eyes, and Joe was afraid that he might actually have hurt his father when he hit him, the expression of pain was so evident.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joe\u2026\u201d Ben finally said. His eyes were still closed. \u201cI\u2019m not going to punish you. Sit down.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sank onto his bed, and nervously fingered the edge of the quilt. His father finally opened his eyes, and then sat down opposite him in a chair.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph\u2026I know you went through a lot, and you were hurt a great deal\u2026but I just don\u2019t understand how you could think I would ever leave you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe had to look away. He felt his father place a hand on his knee. \u201cTell me,\u201d Ben said. \u201cTell me what happened to make you think that, and why you think you deserved it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe slowly shook his head. \u201cI don\u2019t know, Pa,\u201d he whispered. \u201cI\u2026just don\u2019t know. He said it, so much, and I knew it was a lie\u2026\u201d Joe sighed and looked down. \u201cPa, I just don\u2019t want you to be angry with me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t be Joe\u2026I promise\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe could only shake his head. He\u2019d already seen his father get angry a few times in the last couple days\u2026he didn\u2019t want it to happen again. \u201cPa, there wasn\u2019t anything else,\u201d he said quietly, knowing full well his father saw through his lie.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben sighed. \u201cAdam, Hoss, and I have to ride out and check some things tomorrow. I think you should come too. Maybe\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe a change will take everyone\u2019s mind off things for a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u201cSounds fine, Pa,\u201d he replied, forcing a smile.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben chose to accept him at face value. \u201cGood. We\u2019ll leave first thing tomorrow. Now come down and have some supper.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, and then got up and followed his father downstairs.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe stood at the top of the stairs, listening to his family eating breakfast. He knew Ben wanted him to go with them today, but deep inside, he knew he couldn\u2019t. He didn\u2019t exactly know why. It just didn\u2019t feel right.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He knew that Pa wanted to talk to him again, but he couldn\u2019t bear to. He didn\u2019t want to see the hurt in his father\u2019s eyes, from either telling him the truth or refusing to. There wasn\u2019t any way to not hurt him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sighed, and then descended the stairs. As soon as he saw them, his family called out good morning to him. He tried to smile in response, and then took his place at the table. Almost as if he had been waiting, Hop Sing exited the kitchen with a plate full of warm food. \u201cThanks,\u201d Joe murmured as he picked up his fork.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre ya excited \u2018bout today?\u201d Hoss asked, a grin on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe put his fork back down. He could tell the rest of his family stopped eating, and were looking at him. He could almost see the looks of frustration and worry on their faces.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026?\u201d he father said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally Joe looked up. His father had exactly the expression he pictured, and Hop Sing was standing behind him with a similar look on his face. \u201cI\u2026\u201d Joe whispered. He tried to clear his throat, but the overwhelming silence that had settled almost choked him. \u201cPa\u2026please understand\u2026I just\u2026can\u2019t. I can\u2019t, Pa\u2026I\u2019m sorry\u2026\u201d Joe trailed off, begging his father to understand. He knew he didn\u2019t when his father closed his eyes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe stay here.\u201d Everyone looked at Hop Sing, who had spoken up quietly. \u201cSo sorry, Mr. Cartwright, please excuse. Is not place to give advice, but Mr. Joseph\u2026not want go with other men work on ranch. Feel safe here. He stay here, then. Help do chores here. Be much better when you get back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben glanced for a moment at Adam. \u201cBut\u2026it will be all day\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease, Pa, let me stay! I\u2019ll listen to everything Hop Sing says, and I\u2019ll help around the house and do all the barn chores\u2026please\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben looked at Joe, and then at Hop Sing. Finally he nodded. It was a hard choice to make. It wasn\u2019t at all that he didn\u2019t trust their cook; rather, he didn\u2019t want to let Joe out of his sight. As if he understood what he was thinking, Hop Sing said, \u201cNo worry, Mr. Cartwright. Hop Sing keep son safe, just like Little Joe was own son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben nodded at him, and then glanced back at Joe; but the boy was eating, staring intently at his plate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t look at him again, until Ben was getting ready to mount his horse. \u201cPa,\u201d he said quietly, tugging his father\u2019s arm. Ben looked down at Joe. \u201cPlease understand\u2026\u201d he whispered. Ben watched him for a few seconds, and then bent down and embraced him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll try, son,\u201d he replied, and then he and Hoss and Adam mounted their horses and rode out of the yard.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned back to Hop Sing. \u201cWhat would you like me to do first?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

They started out by stripping all the beds and washing the bedding. Then Joe helped gather all the dirty clothes in the house, and they washed them next, noting the few tears in some of Hoss\u2019 shirts and missing buttons in two of Adam\u2019s. Hop Sing told him they would fix them later, and they went on to cleaning the entire upstairs. Joe rather liked the work. It gave him something to focus on, and not having his father and brothers around seemed to make it easier. He missed them, but sometimes he felt overwhelmed by their attention.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was when they had reached the staircase and were polishing the banister and sides of the steps that Joe started talking.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI really missed this house,\u201d Joe said quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMiss house, and family that live inside, yes?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought they were dead.\u201d Joe stopped as he thought about the letter. \u201cHe told me they died.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery bad man. Hurt young boy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. Along with that, he hit me a lot.\u201d Joe lifted his cloth again and continued to polish the stairs. For a little while they worked in silence, until they had almost reached the bottom. \u201cHe didn\u2019t leave any scars though.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe carry scars in heart.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe glanced over his shoulder. Hop Sing hadn\u2019t turned around, and was still polishing on the other side of the stairs. Joe looked back, and slowly, thoughtfully, rubbed the oiled cloth over the wood. \u201cI have lots of scars nobody sees.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not show family?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe just shook his head.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cScars meant to see\u2026to have other people see and share in pain. Make pain easier when can share.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe turned and looked at the man, who continued to speak while polishing the banister.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen carry scar alone, hurt worse. Family understand pain. Can help. Father have pain also. Both you share, make hurt less.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe sat down on the edge of the step. \u201cBut\u2026there\u2019s just\u2026so much\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFather understand. Love son very much.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe quickly turned back to the banister to finish polishing his side, in case Hop Sing turned and caught the tears in his eyes that he was fighting badly to keep at bay. The man reached the bottom and stood up, and then, without looking back, started toward the kitchen saying, \u201cMake supper now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

Dinner was quiet. Even Hoss was uncharacteristically silent, the day having been long and tiring. Joe watched his family carefully. He desperately wanted to see if Hop Sing was right, but he knew that they all were tired. Finally, arguing to himself that if he kept waiting, he would never get up more courage, and if he said something now, it would be easier on everyone, he spoke up. \u201cHe beat me a lot.\u201d Joe watched their reactions carefully. He knew that his quiet statement had been heard when three sets of forks froze in midair, halfway between mouths and plates, and three pairs of eyes glanced towards him. There were a few seconds of silence, as the elder Cartwrights tried to think of something to say. Joe took a deep breath before continuing. \u201cIt happened mostly when he was angry or drunk.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe beat you for no reason?\u201d Hoss quietly asked. His anger at the injustice of it was apparent.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot all the time,\u201d said Joe, slowly. \u201cSometimes I deserved it, like when I talked back or didn\u2019t do the chores I was supposed to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, you didn\u2019t deserve that,\u201d Ben said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at him, seeing the slight anger on his face but realizing it was at a man he could do nothing to, who had hurt his son without reason. He knew the next part would be hard, but he had been holding it inside so long, and he was tired of it. Tired of keeping secrets and hurting alone. \u201cSometimes, I\u2026pretended that I deserved the beatings\u2026that I was being punished for\u2026just\u2026being in the whole situation. It made them easier, by knowing they were my fault. It was\u2026\u201d Joe fingered the napkin on his lap. \u201cI couldn\u2019t understand\u2026just what I had done to deserve it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou pretended you were getting punished for getting lost?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded, his cheeks burning a little. He was kind of embarrassed, and it sounded dumb to him when his father said it out loud, but that\u2019s exactly what he had done. \u201cThat and\u2026well, I thought you had died.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou blamed yourself for our deaths,\u201d Adam said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Joe said quietly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when you found out we were alive\u2026?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked at his brother. He knew he knew, but he wanted Joe to say it. Joe closed his eyes against the anger that started to swell. He knew Adam was forcing him to do what he needed to, yet\u2026it was very difficult. \u201cYes,\u201d Joe said, struggling to find the right words to complete Adam\u2019s sentence. \u201cI\u2026I was angry. I\u2026went through so many beatings because I thought it was my fault, but\u2026it wasn\u2019t.\u201d Joe shifted a little in his chair.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you blame us for your going through all that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s question seemed to pierce through him. He stared at the plate in front of him, and then slowly nodded. He couldn\u2019t bear to look at them.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy have you been so frightened and angry at me?\u201d Ben asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t bring his eyes towards his father. He mentally traced the pattern on the china; around the edges of the blue flowers, up the stem, to the top of the plate, over and over.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBefore you even arrived here, you were afraid of something. Adam told me what you said and did on the trip back. What was it, Joe? Did the man who took you say anything, other than that I left you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a little white fleck on one of the petals, Joe noticed. He stared at it, until he seemed to see nothing else. Why couldn\u2019t he say it?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2026just kept saying, how you didn\u2019t care, and you left without me, over and over. He didn\u2019t say anything else.\u201d Around the petals, the stems and the leaves, to the top of the plate.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid you think I would be angry at you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe lost his place on the little blue flower. Suddenly the seat seemed hard and unforgiving, and he moved, trying to relieve the discomfort. \u201cA little,\u201d he whispered. A lie.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid you think that once you got home, I would be angry or punish you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The questions hurt; it was painful to hear them out loud. The chair grew more and more uncomfortable, and he slid to the edge of it as he nodded.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, Joe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hot tears pricked his eyes as he silently begged Hop Sing to be right. \u201cI believed him\u2026after a while,\u201d Joe whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben nodded. \u201cI know,\u201d he quietly responded. \u201cBut I\u2019m not angry at you, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2026he\u2026\u201d Joe could see his knuckles turning white as he clenched his fists. \u201cHe\u2026made me say it. That you left me\u2026because you didn\u2019t want me anymore. I\u2026was so tired, and hungry, and he wouldn\u2019t give me anything to eat if I didn\u2019t say it, so I did. I\u2019m sorry\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not angry with you, son.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know what I did\u2026why you didn\u2019t want me. Every time\u2026that he hit me, or punished me for something, I knew that\u2026I deserved it. For something. I just didn\u2019t know what. It was easier to pretend that I was being hit for being disobedient to you. There were so many times that I was punished for things I didn\u2019t think were wrong\u2026I thought for sure that\u2019s why it happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid you think that I would have punished you like he did?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. \u201cSort of\u2026not everything\u2026\u201d he whispered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe clasped and unclasped his hands for a few seconds as he thought of his answer. Finally he looked up. \u201cHe\u2026he didn\u2019t hit me a lot, at first. Just a few times. Instead, he just\u2026\u201d Joe shrugged. \u201cI don\u2019t know, it sounds weird. He made fun of me, or swore at me. He took things away, or made me feel\u2026\u201d Joe shrugged again, looking down. \u201cBad, I guess. When he was upset with something, even if it had nothing to do with me, sometimes he gave me extra chores\u2026a lot of extra chores, and it didn\u2019t matter how hard I worked, I couldn\u2019t get them done. If I didn\u2019t finish everything I was supposed to in time, I had to go without dinner and breakfast. He would make me sit at the table, though\u2026 Once he did that for three days in a row, after he thought he had a strike at his mine, and it turned out to be nothing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat man never shoulda\u2019 hurt you, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at the furious look on Hoss\u2019s face. He felt bad for his brother, that he had to hear this too. \u201cAfter\u2026Beth\u2026she was ill. That\u2019s why they took me, to help out. I\u2026wasn\u2019t very nice to her. I wanted her to make him let me go. But\u2026she got sicker, and\u2026then\u2026she\u2026\u201d Joe sighed. \u201cHe said it was my fault. That it was my fault she died, and my fault that all of you had too.\u201d He shook his head. \u201cI felt so bad. She tried to be nice to me, but I wouldn\u2019t let her. I didn\u2019t mean to do anything like that, though. He started hitting me a lot, then. He drank whiskey. He never drank it when she was alive\u2026she wouldn\u2019t allow it. He hit me mostly when he was drunk. But\u2026I don\u2019t know, I didn\u2019t\u2026mind it, as much, I guess. There weren\u2019t any chores, and he didn\u2019t swear at me as much, even though he did tell me it was my fault.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026what part of all that did you think I would have done?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt his cheeks start to burn. \u201cPa\u2026I just\u2026sometimes\u2026thought that you would be as angry as he was. He blamed me for her death, and\u2026I blamed myself for yours\u2026\u201d He slid to the edge of the chair and closed his eyes. His voice started to falter. \u201cAt first I\u2026sometimes, I\u2026pretended, that you were there\u2026while I was doing chores, or locked in my- the room. I\u2026pretended you were telling me everything would be all right, just to keep working hard, and that you\u2019d find me\u2026that you were looking for me right now. But then\u2026it just, turned into weeks and months and\u2026you weren\u2019t coming for me\u2026and I started\u2026to believe what he said was true. And that you felt like that too\u2026that you didn\u2019t want me. And that\u2019s why you didn\u2019t come\u2026\u201d Joe couldn\u2019t bring himself to look up at his father.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2026did you ever imagine it was me giving you the beating?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe eyes flooded with tears, and he quickly stood up and turned away from them. The room became a blurry mess from the tears falling freely down his face, and he felt strong arms take hold of him, and then his father was holding him close and safe. Joe sobbed uncontrollably. \u201cI\u2019m sorry Pa,\u201d he cried.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSon\u2026\u201d Ben whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Guilt rampaged through him, and he tried to pull away. \u201cPlease let me go, Pa, please\u2026\u201d How could his father not be angry? Joe was startled when Ben rather roughly held onto him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I\u2019m not letting you go again,\u201d Ben choked. \u201cLook at me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlease\u2026Pa\u2026\u201d Joe cried. He felt Ben grasp his chin, and tilt his head up, gently. Joe opened his eyes to see the tears in his father\u2019s eyes and the hurt in his expression. He started to cry harder. \u201cPa, I\u2019m sorry!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben knelt down in front of him. \u201cSon\u2026listen to me\u2026\u201d He reached up and held the back of his head. \u201cI\u2019m not angry Joe. I\u2019m not upset with you, and I\u2019m not angry. I\u2019m proud of you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe was surprised. That was the last thing he expected. \u201cProud?\u201d he whispered, wiping tears away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, son. I\u2019m proud that you told me. I\u2019m glad that you did.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want you to be ashamed\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not. Not at all.\u201d Ben ran his fingers through Joe\u2019s curls. \u201cBut the question is, will you be ashamed of me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe felt cold, suddenly. As if his worst fear was about to be realized. \u201cWhy?\u201d he whispered.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pa looked right at him. \u201cI gave up,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe saw the pain in his eyes, and almost lunged closer, clutching his father\u2019s vest. \u201cPa\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe searched for months, and then Adam continued to search and I stayed here, writing letters to lawmen and private detectives across the country, responding to letters, and wanting so much to see you ride into the yard. I wanted it to be a mistake, or that you were let go, to come home. It was almost a year, and I asked Adam to stop looking. I\u2026didn\u2019t know how I was ever to explain it to you, when we found you. I\u2019m sorry Joe\u2026that you went through those extra months of captivity. I never should have given up.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe reached out and put his hands on Pa\u2019s shoulders. He saw almost everything that he had felt reflected back at him from his father\u2019s eyes. He understood now, as much as he had given up, so had his father, and he couldn\u2019t be angry with him. He wanted for Pa to be happy again. He wanted to be happy again too. He didn\u2019t want to think anymore of what had happened, and he didn\u2019t want Pa to think about it either. He wanted to hear his father laugh again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI understand. Pa, I love you\u2026\u201d he whispered, and Ben grabbed him and pulled him close, sinking onto the floor with Joe on his lap. Joe closed his eyes, and before too long he was asleep from exhaustion, safe in his father\u2019s arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThree,\u201d Joe said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head with a slight smile. \u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe nodded. \u201cYup.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I say ten,\u201d Hoss replied. \u201cThere\u2019s no way it\u2019s a three.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe flipped the next card over. It was a nine of hearts. \u201cHow did you know it wasn\u2019t a three?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe already picked four threes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe frowned, and then looked through the stack of cards on the floor in front of him. \u201cOh, yeah\u2026I forgot,\u201d he said. \u201cI have 14 cards.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know. You just counted them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam came to a stop at the sound of the voices, and looked over to the fireplace, where his younger brothers were sitting on the floor with cards stacked around them. \u201cWhat are you playing?\u201d he asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

They looked up at him, and both of them shrugged at the same time. Adam almost laughed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t have a name,\u201d Hoss answered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it\u2019s our own game.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI see,\u201d Adam replied, and then watched as they played another round.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSix.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The card was flipped, and it was an eight of diamonds.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Hoss grinned and put it in his stack.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow many have you got now, Hoss?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t countin\u2019 \u2018em again. How many did I have last time?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c16. That would mean you have\u202617 now. You\u2019re still winning.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well you keep picking the same number over and over. All the sixes have been drawn too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Adam chuckled, and then left his brothers to their game. With a cheerful whistle, he went into the barn to saddle his horse. After last night, it almost seemed as though a storm had broken up, leaving a few puddles and broken branches, but mostly sunny skies and warmth, and the promise of a bright, wonderful day.<\/span><\/p>\n

*****<\/span><\/p>\n

It was obvious to Ben that Joe was angry about something as soon as he sat down at the table for dinner. For almost half the meal he sat sullenly, a furious glare on his face, poking at his food until finally Ben decided it was enough. \u201cJoseph, you can either share what\u2019s troubling you or take a short walk until you\u2019re calm enough to come back to the table.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him, the glare only lessening slightly. \u201cPa, I can ride that horse. I know I can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe wants to ride the pinto you traded over the winter,\u201d Hoss jumped in. \u201cI told him that horse is wild but he won\u2019t listen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I was good, Pa! I was good with horses and I know I can ride him. I can!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, please do not raise your voice at the dinner table.\u201d Ben waited until a slightly contrite look passed over Joe\u2019s face before continuing. \u201cThat horse is wild\u2026\u201d he started, until he saw the intensely disappointed look on his son\u2019s face. He glanced at Adam, and then looked towards Joe, who was back to playing with his food. Joe needed this, Ben knew he did; but he was afraid of the skills that his son may have lost, and the injury that could happen if he wasn\u2019t careful. He just got his son back; he didn\u2019t want to lose him again. \u201cJoe, that horse is wild, young, and strong-willed. It\u2019s never been ridden, and it may never be ridden. You can\u2019t just jump on and expect him to listen to you. It\u2019s going to take a lot of time and work, and I expect you to be very careful with that animal, and not rush him.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe looked up, the anger dissolving from his face. \u201cPa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s yours, Joe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPa\u2026\u201d Joe whispered, at a loss for words. He stood and went to his father, and then hugged him. \u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered. \u201cI will be careful, I promise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a little bit of noise behind them, and then Hoss exclaimed, \u201cWell, looky there!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben and Joe looked up to see Hop Sing enter with a large cake, which he set down in front of Ben. \u201cThat looks magnificent,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCelebrate Little Joe homecoming.\u201d He smiled down at Joe, who grinned and then impulsively hugged the man around the waist.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Hop Sing,\u201d Joe said. The man patted him on the head, letting his hand linger for a moment, before turning back towards the kitchen. Neither of them noticed Ben watching the exchange, nor saw the realization and then gratitude flash into his eyes. Ben picked up a knife, and then started to slice generous pieces of the cake as Joe sat down again. He handed one each to his sons, then called, \u201cHop Sing!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d he answered, walking out of the kitchen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ben held a plate of cake out to him. \u201cWe need you here to celebrate as well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Hop Sing looked stunned, and then slowly reached out for the plate as a smile slowly spread across his face. Ben cut one last piece, and then set it on his own plate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTo all of us,\u201d Hoss exclaimed, holding his fork aloft.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTo our family,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOur family,\u201d Joe whispered, looking across the table at Adam, who smiled back at him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, I think Hop Sing is going to be with us for a very long time,\u201d Ben said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Joe grinned at his father, as Hoss said, \u201cWell I sure am glad to hear that. It\u2019s about time we had some good cooking around here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow just a minute,\u201d protested Ben jokingly, and they all laughed; but then the laughter grew and rang through the house as the joy of finally having their family whole once was finally realized. Joe looked around the table, feeling nothing but giddy happiness, and joy at the realization that he felt nothing else. He listened to Hoss, his deep guffaws almost completely drowning out Ben, Adam, and Hop Sing\u2019s quieter laughter, and looked at his oldest brother and father, the happiness apparent in the huge smiles. He sighed happily. It felt so good to be home.<\/span><\/p>\n

THE END<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Little Joe has been kidnapped by a mean man and his ill wife. As he tries to deal with captivity, Adam, newly home from college, searches for his little brother whom he hasn’t seen since before he left for college. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T (25,335)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":92,"featured_media":383,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23,30],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-3103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-prequels","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-30-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":3027,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/coming-soon-9.jpg?fit=320%2C240&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":6475,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6475","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":0},"title":"A Circle of Family: The Book of Joseph (by MissJudy)","author":"missjudy","date":"May 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Days\u00a0before Adam is scheduled to leave for college, Little Joe \"borrows\" his older brother's Bible and leaves it outside in the rain when his attention is drawn elsewhere. The Bible had belonged to Elizabeth and was one of the few tokens Adam had of his mother.\u00a0We watch as he\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/coming-soon-5.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/coming-soon-5.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/coming-soon-5.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/coming-soon-5.jpg?fit=768%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":15735,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15735","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":1},"title":"Christmas Time (by Indiana)","author":"indiana","date":"December 25, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"This story was written for the 2017 Advent Calendar - Day 21 Summary:\u00a0 Tears of disappointment turn into a lesson of compassion for a brother. Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 \u00a0720 words","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Advent.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Advent.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Advent.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/Advent.jpg?fit=791%2C680&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":7593,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7593","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":2},"title":"The Way of Things (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0When Adam disciplines Little Joe, Hoss has two brothers to console. Corporal punishment warning Rated:\u00a0T\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Word count:\u00a01418","rel":"","context":"In "Brothers"","block_context":{"text":"Brothers","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1009"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Pondarosa-House-3.jpg?fit=564%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Pondarosa-House-3.jpg?fit=564%2C401&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/06\/Pondarosa-House-3.jpg?fit=564%2C401&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":30607,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=30607","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":3},"title":"Eagle’s Nest (by Sierras)","author":"Sierras","date":"October 16, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 It is spring, and the winter has passed. Five-year-old Little Joe wanders off to find his mama who died a couple of months earlier. This is about the incident that is referenced by Ben to Little Joe in the episode \"Between Heaven And Earth\" written by Ed Adamson Rating\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Night-Sky-by-Skeeze-from-pixabay.jpg?fit=640%2C425&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Night-Sky-by-Skeeze-from-pixabay.jpg?fit=640%2C425&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Night-Sky-by-Skeeze-from-pixabay.jpg?fit=640%2C425&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":41161,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=41161","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":4},"title":"The Way it Wasn’t – by JulieH","author":"Preserving Their Legacy Author","date":"March 20, 2000","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Adam manages to convince Ben that sending Little Joe away to college would be the best decision regarding his future. (alternate reality) Rating:\u00a0 G\u00a0 Words:\u00a0 12,135","rel":"","context":"In "Alternate Universe"","block_context":{"text":"Alternate Universe","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Preserving-Their-Legacy.png?fit=732%2C477&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":49924,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=49924","url_meta":{"origin":3103,"position":5},"title":"The Ugliest Christmas Ornament (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"December 4, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: Little Joe thinks an ornament is too ugly for the Cartwright tree. Adam has the opposite opinion in this slice-of-life vignette. Rating: G 610 words","rel":"","context":"In "Brothers"","block_context":{"text":"Brothers","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1009"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/Bonanza-SC-Angel.jpg?fit=385%2C289&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3103","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/92"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3103"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3103\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/383"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3103"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3103"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3103"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}