{"id":3482,"date":"2013-10-25T20:46:05","date_gmt":"2013-10-26T00:46:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3482"},"modified":"2025-02-18T19:13:42","modified_gmt":"2025-02-19T00:13:42","slug":"killing-cartwrights","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3482","title":{"rendered":"Killing Cartwrights (by freyakendra)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Total, inane, silliness, prompted by Inca challenging writers to do what no one&#8211;or mostly no one, anyway&#8211;wants to do: actually kill a Cartwright! Subsequent discussion bordered on the macabre, with congratulations bestowed upon writers meeting the challenge. These 2 parodies resulted&#8230;.<\/p>\n<p>Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a0550<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201c<strong>50 Ways to Kill a Cartwright<\/strong>,\u201d based on Paul Simon&#8217;s &#8220;<em>50 Ways to Leave Your Lover<\/em>&#8220;<\/li>\n<li>\u201c<strong>This Fanfic Writers\u2019 Fantasy<\/strong>,\u201d based on &#8220;<em>I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General<\/em>&#8220;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>Killing Cartwrights<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/SJS_Best.jpg?ssl=1\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-3852 img-responsive\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/SJS_Best-300x225.jpg?resize=578%2C433&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"SJS_Best\" width=\"578\" height=\"433\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>50 Ways to Kill a Cartwright<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">XxXxX<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">&#8220;The answer is all inside your head,&#8221; she said to me.<br \/>\n\u201cThe challenge is easy if you take it logically.<br \/>\nI&#8217;d like to help you in your struggle to be free.<br \/>\nThere must be fifty ways to kill a Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">She said \u201cit&#8217;s really not my habit to write death,<br \/>\nBut it was thrilling to take up a gun and steal my Cartwright\u2019s breath.<br \/>\nAll I ask is that you learn from old Macbeth.<br \/>\nThere must be fifty ways to kill a Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>Chorus:<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">He was slow on the draw, Pa.<br \/>\nHe met an old foe, Joe.<br \/>\nHe slipped on some moss, Hoss.<br \/>\nJust listen to me:<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">You\u2019ll find it a rush to crush<br \/>\nThat Cartwright you love so much!<br \/>\nJust type on those keys, please,<br \/>\nAnd get yourself free!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">A Paiute attack. &#8216;thwack!&#8217;<br \/>\nA grab for the land. &#8216;bam!&#8217;<br \/>\nDon&#8217;t foil that ploy, Roy!<br \/>\nJust listen to me.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">A Barbary quake. &#8216;shake!&#8217;<br \/>\nOr maybe a rattlesnake!<br \/>\nJust type on those keys, please<br \/>\nAnd get yourself free.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">It would grieve Ben so to see one of his boys slain.<br \/>\nWhat would he do if Adam met his end through Kane?<br \/>\nSome readers love it when the bad guys are insane.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">There\u2019s surely 50 ways\u2026.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">What if Ben just can\u2019t sleep, and it\u2019s the dead of night,<br \/>\n\u2018Cause he believes in the morning he won\u2019t rise to see the light;<br \/>\nThen he discovers he was wrong yet he was right\u2014<br \/>\nThe writer\u2019s tagged another Cartwright\u2026<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Oh, she\u2019s tagged another Cartwright.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>Chorus:<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">He met up with Ross, Hoss!<br \/>\nAn ornery Madame, Adam!<br \/>\nGot caught in a rowe, Joe!<br \/>\nFolks, listen to me!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">It\u2019s happened again, Ben.<br \/>\nThat\u2019s love \u2018til the end, my friend!<br \/>\nJust type on those keys, please!<br \/>\nAnd get yourself free.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">He was slow on the draw, Pa.<br \/>\nHe met an old foe, Joe.<br \/>\nHe slipped on some moss, Hoss.<br \/>\nJust listen to me:<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">You\u2019ll find it a rush to crush<br \/>\nThat Cartwright you love so much!<br \/>\nJust type on those keys, please,<br \/>\nAnd get yourself free!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">XxXxX<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/killing-cartwrights.jpg?ssl=1\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"img-responsive aligncenter wp-image-8567 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/killing-cartwrights.jpg?resize=720%2C596&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"killing-cartwrights\" width=\"720\" height=\"596\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>This Fanfic Writer&#8217;s Fantasy<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">XxXxX<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Let\u2019s charge the cheery challenge of this fanfic writer\u2019s fantasy<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">This kill a Cartwright madness might make Ben give up his legacy<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Try shooting, stabbing, hanging, jabbing, underhanded lunacy<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Make all the tribes for miles around decide to break a truce or three<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Spontaneous combustion, even alien conspiracy,<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">A broken dam, a rabid lamb or rampant promiscuity<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Use fratricide or patricide or filicide or filigree<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">It really doesn\u2019t matter, long as Adam writes the eulogy\u2026.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">(long as Adam writes the eulogy)<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">He\u2019ll wax poetic, sympathetic, alphabetic amblings;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Or maybe Joe will stutter through a well of tears and ramblings.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">If both of them are dead and gone, will Hoss take up soliloquy?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">Take charge the cheery challenge of this fanfic writer\u2019s fantasy\u2026.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">XxXxX<\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>\n<p id=\"pvc_stats_3482\" 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src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/plugins\/page-views-count\/ajax-loader-2x.gif?resize=16%2C16&#038;ssl=1\" border=0 \/><\/p>\n<div class=\"pvc_clear\"><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Summary:  Total, inane, silliness, prompted by Inca challenging writers to do what no one&#8211;or mostly no one, anyway&#8211;wants to do: actually kill a Cartwright! Subsequent discussion bordered on the macabre, with congratulations bestowed upon writers meeting the challenge. These 2 parodies resulted&#8230;.<\/p>\n<p>Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a0550<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":8567,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,8,40],"tags":[425],"class_list":["post-3482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-short-stories","category-challenges","tag-doac","wpcat-4-id","wpcat-8-id","wpcat-40-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1872,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/killing-cartwrights.jpg?fit=1070%2C887&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1718,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1718","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":0},"title":"The Telegram (by BluewindFarm)","author":"BluewindFarm","date":"October 11, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Ben Cartwright receives an incomplete telegram.\u00a0 What is the message and who is it about?\u00a0 Rating:\u00a0 K \u00a0\u00a0(2,695 words)","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Ben Cartwright&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Ben Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1004"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/bonanza2.jpg?fit=720%2C475&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/bonanza2.jpg?fit=720%2C475&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/bonanza2.jpg?fit=720%2C475&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/bonanza2.jpg?fit=720%2C475&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":14355,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14355","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":1},"title":"Cartwrights Forever (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"June 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A tribute in rhyme for everyone who loves the Cartwrights, especially those who love to write about them. Rating: \u00a0G \u00a0(560 words)","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Family","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1008"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/four.jpg?fit=298%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1984,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1984","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":2},"title":"Rattlesnake &#8212; aka After the Gunfight (by BluewindFarm)","author":"BluewindFarm","date":"November 12, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A gunfight and the resulting collateral damage.\u00a0 Rating:\u00a0 T \u00a0(1,845 words)","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Adam Cartwright&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Adam Cartwright","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1005"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":14039,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14039","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":3},"title":"Stranger in the Night (by JC)","author":"JC","date":"March 8, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A Bonanza Gothic poem written for the 2017 \"Once Upon A Midnight Dreary\" challenge honoring the birthday of Edgar Allen Poe. Rating: K+ \u00a0 (251 words)","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Family&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Family","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=1008"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/The-Robe-e1410283539118.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/The-Robe-e1410283539118.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/09\/The-Robe-e1410283539118.jpg?fit=627%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":11829,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=11829","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":4},"title":"Somebody else&#8217;s dog (by Inca \/ aka Tye)","author":"Inca \/ Tye","date":"September 29, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: There\u2019s been some gossip in Virginia City about Ben Cartwright\u2019s new wife. Rating: K Word count: 581","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Chaps and Spurs&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Chaps and Spurs","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=39"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Marie.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Marie.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Marie.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":16048,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=16048","url_meta":{"origin":3482,"position":5},"title":"A New Bonanza (by BettyHT)","author":"BettyHT","date":"March 12, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"SUMMARY: \u00a0A short silly discussion about what's wrong with Bonanza. \u00a0It's meant to be a light-hearted story and not to be taken seriously. rating = T \u00a0word count = 865","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Humor&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/bonanza.jpg?fit=295%2C295&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3482","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/22"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3482"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3482\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8567"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3482"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3482"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3482"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}