Head, Heart and Gut<\/strong><\/p>\nXxXxX<\/p>\n
Joe stared into the fire, allowing the flames to draw him in, willing them to draw him deeper still. He wanted to forget. To escape. To find a way past it. Past all of it, all the lies, the secrets, the pretense.<\/p>\n
How had it come to this? Everything had spun clean out of his control, like a whirlwind barreling through the plains, tearing apart all the good things he\u2019d tried to build\u2026exposing all the bad things he\u2019d tried to set right. He\u2019d made a mistake, an error in judgment. A bad one. And he should have owned up to it right then and there. Instead, he\u2019d made another mistake by trying to erase it, to make it go away, to make things right so no one would ever have to know how wrong he\u2019d been\u2026so his pa wouldn\u2019t have to see him for the idiot he was, and Adam wouldn\u2019t be proved right about his youngest brother being too irresponsible to be trusted.<\/p>\n
But Adam had been right all along, hadn\u2019t he? Joe couldn\u2019t even trust himself anymore. One mistake had piled on top of another, and then another and another until\u2026until all those mistakes had grown into a mountain Joe knew he didn\u2019t have the strength to climb.<\/p>\n
But no, that wasn\u2019t right, was it? Joe didn\u2019t have to climb it; he was already on top of it, propelled there by all his mounting mistakes. What he really needed strength for now was to step to the edge, to face the abyss he could no longer avoid and fess up once and for all, placing himself completely at his family\u2019s mercy.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d already tried God\u2019s mercy, but God wasn\u2019t having it. Besides, Joe reckoned it was Pa, Adam and Hoss whose judgment mattered more anyway. And God knew that, too, didn\u2019t He? Maybe that\u2019s why God wasn\u2019t having it, why He didn\u2019t let Joe\u2019s attempts at fixing things fix anything at all.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sorry, God! How many times do I have to confess to You? To admit I was wrong? To pray\u2026to beg<\/em> for Your forgiveness?<\/p>\nThat\u2019s when Joe realized it wasn\u2019t God\u2019s forgiveness he needed. It was his family\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Did Joe have more faith in God than in his own family?<\/p>\n
No, that wasn\u2019t it either. Joe had as much faith in his family as he had in God. It was himself he didn\u2019t have faith in. He didn\u2019t deserve his family\u2019s trust, so he hadn\u2019t given them any reason to trust him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Joe?\u201d Hoss clapped him hard on the shoulder, almost knocking him from his perch on the coffee table. \u201cYou said you was gonna set up the checkerboard.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe looked at him, at his trusting eyes, and he felt a sharp stab of guilt. Then he looked past Hoss, to where Pa sighed contentedly, settling into his favorite chair to read the paper. Lastly, Joe looked to Adam, who was finally getting a chance to crack open the book he\u2019d picked up in San Francisco two weeks earlier. It was a good time, a good moment for all of them, a moment without worry, without concern of any kind, a rarity to be treasured, to be appreciated. Joe didn\u2019t have the heart to wrench it away from them.<\/p>\n
But\u2026as the flames had already told him\u2026as his silent talk with God had already made clear\u2026Joe didn\u2019t have the option to avoid it. Not anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cPa?\u201d Joe said, steeling himself. \u201cAdam? Hoss? I\u2026.\u201d He swallowed, more nervous than ever now that they were all looking at him. Glancing down, he absently rubbed his hand along his thigh. \u201cI did something\u2026something I never meant\u2026. It wasn\u2019t so much I was trying to hide it from you, as\u2026as I was trying to\u2026to protect you. \u2026And,\u201d he admitted, \u201cto protect me<\/em>, to protect your\u2026your opinions of me. I\u2019m sorry, I just\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cWhat is it Joe?\u201d Adam asked as he set his treasured new book aside with a suspicious look in his eye. \u201cSpit it out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe glanced down again. \u201cI made a mistake. A\u2026a big one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJoseph?\u201d Pa prodded when Joe paused again, all signs of his contentment gone. \u201cWhat have you done?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2026\u201d Joe rubbed his thigh again, looking up at Hoss to see a furrowed brow shielding those trusting, blue eyes of his. And suddenly Joe couldn\u2019t face them anymore, not a single one of them. He turned his attention back to the fire, deciding to speak his confession aloud to the flames, where it was safe, where he could escape without ever really escaping. \u201cIt started back when\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
As Joe spoke, his family members took turns shouting out angrily at his irresponsibility, his cavalier attitude, his carelessness. But Joe kept his eyes on the flames and just talked louder through it all, needing to get the words out without interruption. He continued looking at the flames when he was done.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said again, his voice breaking. \u201cI tried. I tried so hard to make things right. I didn\u2019t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJoseph,\u201d Pa said softly. \u201cDon\u2019t you realize this mistake of yours would have been much easier to fix if you hadn\u2019t waited until now to tell us?\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, Joe turned to face him. \u201cYes, Pa. I do realize that. I was wrong. In so many ways, I was wrong.\u201d He looked to Adam then. \u201cAnd you were right. You were always right. I\u2019m irresponsible. And as angry as I\u2019ve been at you for refusing to trust me, I guess I\u2019m just going to have to accept that I don\u2019t deserve your trust. To say \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019 is just never going to be good enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sighed, giving a frustrated glance upward before meeting Joe\u2019s eyes again. \u201cAt least it\u2019s a start.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSaying you\u2019re sorry and admitting your mistakes. It\u2019s a start. Like Pa, I wish you\u2019d said something sooner. Much<\/em> sooner. But there is some validity to the phrase better late than never.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cI didn\u2019t have a choice anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure you did. You could have run away from it. Outlaws do that all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo now you think I\u2019m an outlaw?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still don\u2019t listen to me very well, do you? I said you chose not to take the path of an outlaw. My guess is you never even considered it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would you guess that? If you can\u2019t trust me, I\u2019d figure you\u2019d<\/em> figure me to think like an outlaw.\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cThere are a lot of levels of trust, Joe. I can always trust you to think with your heart. That\u2019s why I would never figure you for an outlaw. As angry as you can make me, you\u2019re not a bad person. And, in a way, that\u2019s part of your problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d Hoss asked. \u201cHow could it be a problem to not be a bad person?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe trouble is,\u201d Adam went on, \u201cjust because your heart\u2019s in the right place doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s going to lead you to do the right thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam\u2019s got a point, son,\u201d Pa added. \u201cThe best decisions any of us can ever make are three-pronged. You listen to your heart, your gut and<\/em> your head; and you don\u2019t let any one of them ignore the others. My guess is your head has been telling you to come to us about this ever since the beginning, but you let your heart get the better of you.\u201d<\/p>\nJoe rubbed his stomach. \u201cMy gut\u2019s sure done its share of complaining, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure it has,\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
When no one said anything further, Joe couldn\u2019t help but ask, \u201cWhat now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow,\u201d Pa said sternly, \u201cwe have some decisions to make. Together. So we can fix this mess you\u2019ve managed to draw us all into.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hoss nodded thoughtfully. \u201cWell, I reckon the three of us got what it takes, with Adam there havin\u2019 the head, me havin\u2019 the gut, and Joe havin\u2019 the heart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about Pa?\u201d Joe asked, confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cI, Joseph,\u201d Pa answered, sitting up straighter in his chair, \u201cam the judge.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe thought about his silent chat with the fire and he smiled deep inside himself, relieved that the three of them, Adam, Hoss and Pa, were neither considering him an outlaw nor threatening to burn him at the stake. There would be a rough road ahead, and a lot of heated arguments, he was sure. But\u2026he could see a road ahead of him now, not just an abyss. And if there was ever any evidence of God\u2019s mercy, that was it.<\/p>\n
Returning his attention briefly to the flames, \u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered softly. Then he turned back again, confident that no tongue lashing or punishment Judge Pa might dole out would ever equal what he\u2019d already given himself.<\/p>\n
XxXxX<\/p>\n
~end~<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
Old Reviews<\/strong><\/p>\nReviewer: kima09 Anonymous starstarstarstar<\/p>\n
Date: 06 Jan 2014 04:07 am Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
Loved this story. Poor Joe! He suffered such angst because he was afraid to fess up in the beginning. I’m left wondering, what did he do that was so bad? How about a sequel?<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nI’m left wondering, too! If I ever determine just what it was that he did, then, yes, there would have to be a sequel! Thank you!<\/em><\/p>\nReviewer: Sibylle Signed<\/p>\n
Date: 17 Dec 2013 04:10 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
Guilt and how it affects people is always an interesting plot element (for me more than violence that a Carthwright has to endure.) I like how you focused at Joe’s reaction and not at the mistake. Good story!<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nThank you, Sibylle! Yes, it can be far more difficult to heal from a guilty conscience than a wound, can’t it? I’m glad you liked this. \ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/p>\nReviewer: Beej Signed starstarstarstarstar<\/p>\n
Date: 03 Dec 2013 07:09 am Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
I’m so glad this wasn’t lost. I get so frustrated by Joe’s constant need to “prove” himself to his family… will he never understand that he’s cherished and respected? And will he never learn to *listen* to Adam! Sorry, but more times than not I want to shake him! lol…\u00a0\u00a0 Good job!<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nAh, to be forever 17….;) I’m glad you liked this! Thank you, Beej!<\/em><\/p>\nReviewer: Cheaux Signed<\/p>\n
Date: 02 Dec 2013 11:48 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
So glad you found this, Freya. It doesn’t even matter that we don’t know what Joe did, only that he saw what needed to be done and did it. I love that the brothers were the head, the gut and the heart . . . and that Ben was (thank goodness) the judge and not the executioner!<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nThank you, Cheaux! i was glad to find it, too. It’s so easy to “lose” short challenge responses and story “seedlings” when we get caught up in other stories. I’m glad you enjoyed this one!<\/em><\/p>\nReviewer: Belle Signed<\/p>\n
Date: 02 Dec 2013 07:28 am Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
Does he never learn?! Thanks for sharing this.<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nWell, since he never ages and never grows up, it’s a pretty good bet he never learns! \ud83d\ude00 Thank you, Belle!<\/em><\/p>\nReviewer: sklamb Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star<\/p>\n
Date: 01 Dec 2013 10:17 pm Title: Chapter 1<\/p>\n
Well, whatever Joe’s crime, it must be a doozy–not just stepping on the hem of the Widow Hawkins’ skirt at the previous social! But there’s one thing about the Cartwrights that comes through clear as a bell in your story–they never minimize or overlook the things that Joe does right! It’s easy to see here how Joe was able, if more slowly than any of them would have liked, to grow up into someone as trustworthy and responsible as the rest of the family!<\/p>\n
Author’s Response:<\/em><\/p>\nWow! I never replied to reviews on this story! Shame on me! ahem…Thank you, sklamb! Your feedback means so much! \ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Summary: Joe postpones a tough decision\u2014and learns about the power of \u201c3.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0The toughest decisions should always be three-pronged, including careful thought, a touch of instinct and with a healthy dose of heart thrown in.<\/p>\n
Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02000<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":8575,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1007,40],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-joe-cartwright","category-challenges","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1007-id","wpcat-40-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/head-heart-gut.jpg?fit=812%2C714&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/22"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3497"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3497\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/8575"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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