{"id":3557,"date":"2003-12-12T00:23:51","date_gmt":"2003-12-12T05:23:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3557"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:07:34","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:07:34","slug":"the-twelve-days-of-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3557","title":{"rendered":"The Twelve Days of Christmas (by Rona)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 <\/strong>A non-serious look at the song as it might apply to the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0 (3,075 words)<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Twelve Days of Christmas<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

A partridge in a pear tree.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very nice,\u201d Adam said, truthfully. \u201cBut what is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Beaming all over at the compliment, Hop Sing replied, \u201cIt pear tree.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat?\u201d Hoss asked, gesturing towards the ornamental tree in its heavy ceramic pot. \u201cThat\u2019ll grow pears?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce big enough,\u201d Hop Sing agreed nodding. He scooped up another parcel from the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

Opening it, Hop Sing displayed a dead bird. \u201cIt partridge,\u201d he explained. \u201cCook for dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt ain\u2019t gonna feed us all!\u201d Hoss declared, disappointment in his tones. \u201cOne o\u2019 them\u2019s hardly big enough ta feed one o\u2019 us!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sniffing disgustedly, Hop Sing shook his head. \u201cNot for Cartwrights\u2019 dinner,\u201d he told them. \u201cFor Hop Sing.\u201d He smiled. \u201cYou get roast beef.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019d you get them from?\u201d Joe asked, gesturing to include the tree.<\/p>\n

\u201cFriend,\u201d replied the Oriental and bustled away into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cMale or female?\u201d Joe called after him. His only response was a torrent of Chinese. Joe glanced at his brothers. \u201cWe\u2019re in trouble now, brothers,\u201d he informed them. \u201cThat definitely means it was a female friend!\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d Hoss queried, coming across Ben standing in the upstairs hall, looking at the roof and frowning. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you hear it?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Hoss replied, mystified.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat cooing,\u201d Ben answered. \u201cListen.\u201d He held his finger to his lips and they both stood there in silence listening hard. Just as Hoss was about to say he didn\u2019t hear anything, a chorus of soft \u2018cooing\u2019 reached his ears. \u201cThere!\u201d Ben exclaimed. \u201cDid you hear it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure did,\u201d Hoss agreed. \u201cThem doves sound like they\u2019s in the roof.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what I thought,\u201d Ben nodded. \u201cHoss, do me a favor and get rid of them, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sighing Hoss agreed, and a little while later, he and Joe went into the attic to find and evict the doves. The attic was cold, and a small hole in the roof showed them where the doves had got in, along with some of the snow that was falling steadily outside.<\/p>\n

It took over half an hour of chasing, tripping and muffled cursing to get the birds caught and ejected. \u201cDadburnit!\u201d Hoss muttered, as he looked at the pile of droppings on the floor. \u201cI guess we\u2019d better git that cleaned up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFeel free,\u201d Joe grouched. \u201cI\u2019m goin\u2019 to patch the hole in the roof before more snow comes in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, thanks a bunch, little brother,\u201d Hoss called after him. He went to get what he would need and as he scraped the attic floor clean, he heard Joe outside on the roof.<\/p>\n

As Joe got the new slate into position, Hoss shouted, \u201cThat\u2019s got it, Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n

Caught by surprise, Joe flinched violently backwards and found himself sliding down the snow-covered roof. \u201cAggghhhhhh!\u201d he screamed, as he gathered speed and slid off the edge of the roof.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Three French hens\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s so special about these French hens, Pa?\u201d Adam asked, as he watched Hop Sing put the hens into the coop.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, son,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cBut after that fox got so many of our hens, Hop Sing insisted we buy some more, and the only ones he could get were French.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow does he know they\u2019re French?\u201d Adam asked, covering his mouth with his hand so that the cook would not hear. \u201cThey look just the same as the others to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have no idea,\u201d Ben admitted. \u201cNor did I understand his explanation as to why there are only three, when we ordered a dozen. But he got so irate; I decided it was better not to ask any further.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWise move,\u201d Adam agreed.<\/p>\n

As they started to walk towards the barn, they heard a scream from behind them, and turned in time to see Joe shoot off the edge of the roof to land with a loud thump out of sight behind the kitchen. \u201cJoe!\u201d Ben cried and rushed around the side of the house, with Adam in hot pursuit.<\/p>\n

Luckily for Joe, he had landed on a large pile of snow, and so was not very badly hurt. As it was, he had knocked his shoulder out of the socket, while trying to halt his slide, and of course, it was his left shoulder he dislocated.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m gonna get you for this, Hoss!\u201d he vowed, as Ben helped him into the house.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Four calling birds\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Pa, that new store\u2019s open!\u201d Joe exclaimed, as they drove into Virginia City. \u201cCan we have a look?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce your shoulder is back in place, yes,\u201d Ben agreed. Although he had put shoulders back into their sockets before, it wasn\u2019t something Ben enjoyed doing and he didn\u2019t want to do it for Joe. So he had had Hoss hitch up the wagon and he and Joe had come into town, Joe\u2019s injured arm gently supported by a make-shift sling. Joe was trying very hard to pretend that his shoulder wasn\u2019t that sore, but he was fooling no one.<\/p>\n

An hour or so later, once his shoulder was back in place and Dr Paul Martin was satisfied that no nerves had been trapped, Joe and Ben left his office and went slowly across to the new store.<\/p>\n

\u2018Edgar\u2019s Emporium\u2019 read the sign outside and the Cartwrights exchanged glances before going in.<\/p>\n

The store was packed to the ceiling with odd things. Although there were clothes, and some food, neither thing were the run-of-the-mill things that they were used to. There were jars and boxes of mysterious looking spices and the air was heavy with a myriad of unfamiliar scents. It was also incredibly noisy, as the air rang with various bird calls and Joe even spied a tiny monkey in a cage behind the counter.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you looking at, Joe?\u201d Ben asked, catching up with his son as he peered into a cage of birds.<\/p>\n

\u201cCalling birds,\u201d Joe answered. \u201cFour of them.\u201d He grinned at his father. \u201cTwo breeding pairs. I was thinking of buying them for Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you dare!\u201d Ben ordered, as one of the birds let out a piercing cry. \u201cThose doves were bad enough!\u201d He pretended to grab Joe by the ear. \u201cLet\u2019s go home before you get any more bright ideas.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Five gold rings\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI tell you,\u201d Adam sighed, disconsolately, \u201cit\u2019s a regular epidemic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d Ben reproached him. \u201cYou make it sound like the bubonic plague! You\u2019re talking about weddings here. Christmas is a very romantic time to be married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess it is,\u201d Adam agreed. \u201cBut five of our hands getting married within the same week? Tell me that\u2019s not an epidemic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you put it like that\u2026\u201d agreed Hoss. \u201cI guess it is.\u201d He winked heavily at Joe, who pretended not to notice. \u00a0\u201cSo what are ya tryin\u2019 ta tell us here, big brother? Are ya gittin\u2019 married, too?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/em>\u00a0Adam shrieked, sitting up straight. \u201cMe? You must be joking!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAw,\u201d Hoss sulked, looking disappointed. \u201cI was really lookin\u2019 forward ta ya gittin\u2019 married so\u2019s I could be an uncle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll need to look somewhere else,\u201d Adam said, pointedly looking at Joe, who put up his uninjured hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot me!\u201d he stated emphatically.<\/p>\n

Sighing deeply, Ben muttered, \u201cWell, it would be nice if at least one of you got married sometime so I can have some grandchildren to spoil before I\u2019m too old.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Six geese a-laying\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGoose for Christmas dinner outside in hen coop,\u201d Hop Sing informed Ben at breakfast the next day.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Hop Sing,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cWe\u2019ll watch out for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Watching Joe chase his food around his plate with his right hand, Hoss asked, \u201cPa, why\u2019nt we get some geese an\u2019 breed our own one for Christmas?\u201d<\/p>\n

Raising his eyebrow, Ben asked, \u201cAnd what would we do with all the others that come along? I breed cattle here, in case it has escaped your notice. When I want a goose, it\u2019s far easier to buy one in town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I jist thought\u2026\u201d Hoss began.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we tried raising our own turkeys when we first got here, you wouldn\u2019t let us eat them,\u201d Adam interrupted.<\/p>\n

Hoss blushed. \u201cYa didn\u2019 have ta bring that up,\u201d he mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s true though,\u201d Ben agreed. \u201cAnd that\u2019s another good reason why we aren\u2019t going to raise geese. Besides, have you ever heard the noise they make? We\u2019d never sleep again.\u201d He returned to his breakfast, the matter closed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Seven swans a-swimming\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a good book, isn\u2019t it, Joe?\u201d Adam asked, right in his younger brother\u2019s ear, making Joe flinch.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it with you and Hoss?\u201d Joe grumbled. \u201cFirst he scares me and I fall off the roof, now you\u2019re at it too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry,\u201d Adam replied, contritely. \u201cBut it is a good book. Are you enjoying it?\u201d He went to sit in the blue velvet chair at the bottom of the stairs. Joe was curled up on the sofa. \u201cI read it last winter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Putting aside the volume of English medieval history, Joe nodded. \u201cI remember. That\u2019s why I went looking for it. I remember you telling me it wasn\u2019t dry, like some history books, and its not. It\u2019s real exciting. All those battles and knights in shining armor. It\u2019s great.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam smiled. \u201cThere are some really interesting facts, too,\u201d he remembered. \u201cLike the law being passed to prevent a Catholic ascending the throne.\u201d Joe, predictably, scowled. His mother had been Catholic. \u201cAnd the banning of Christmas day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Perking up at that, Joe added one that he\u2019d read just a few moments before. \u201cAnd all swans are Crown property,\u201d he marveled. \u201cWhy would the Crown want to own all the swans?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m told they\u2019re good to eat,\u201d Adam replied. \u201cWe\u2019ve never had one, but the feathers are as warm as goose feathers, and there\u2019s a lot of meat on swans. For the poor people, the temptation must have been almost irresistible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, have you ever eaten swan?\u201d Joe asked, as Ben came down the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not that I know of,\u201d Ben replied. \u201cBut that reminds me, Adam. Could you go down to the smoke house and bring up the last of the ducks we shot and give them to Hop Sing? He was asking me for them earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure thing,\u201d Adam agreed and got to his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm, smoked duck,\u201d Joe drooled.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re getting as bad as Hoss!\u201d Ben joked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Eight maids a milking\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you were reading English history?\u201d Adam asked, as he came back in to find Joe\u2019s nose buried in a dime novel. There was a lurid picture on the paper cover of a young woman running away from a black-cloaked man.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was,\u201d Joe replied, vaguely. \u201cBut I\u2019ve had my dose of culture for today, thanks. I want some entertainment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a peculiar outfit that girl\u2019s wearing,\u201d Ben commented, glancing over Joe\u2019s shoulder at the illustration on the page.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s a milkmaid,\u201d Joe replied, crossly. \u201cI\u2019m trying to read here. Would you mind letting me get on with it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA milkmaid?\u201d Adam echoed. \u201cPlease tell me that\u2019s not set in this country.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not set in this country,\u201d Joe snapped. \u201cNow will you leave me alone?\u201d He turned his back on his father and brother, heaving an ostentatious sigh. Ben and Adam exchanged identical amused glances before leaving him alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Nine ladies dancing\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHow can you go to a dance with a dislocated shoulder?\u201d Adam demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the buggy, same as you fellows,\u201d Joe retorted. \u201cPlease, Adam, help me with this?\u201d He waggled his white shirt in front of Adam\u2019s nose. \u201cI haven\u2019t got a date for tonight, so it doesn\u2019t matter if I can\u2019t dance, does it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, all right,\u201d Adam capitulated, and dropped his own white shirt on his bed to struggle with Joe\u2019s sling. He caught Joe giving him a searching glance. \u201cWhat?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo the ladies like your furry chest?\u201d Joe asked. \u201cAll the girls I\u2019ve gone out with have raved about my smooth chest.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI like more mature women,\u201d Adam informed him. \u201cAnd yes, they do like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMust be weird,\u201d Joe commented as he handed over his string tie. \u201cWhat\u2019s it like being furry?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWarmer than being smooth, I expect,\u201d Adam snapped. He tied the tie and stepped back. \u201cNow go away and let me finish getting dressed!<\/p>\n

When they arrived at the dance, all the younger women crowded round Joe, cooing over his injury and listening with round eyes to his (embellished) story of how he came to fall off the roof.<\/p>\n

\u201cI count nine gals hoverin\u2019 round Joe,\u201d Hoss muttered in disgust later in the evening. \u201cAnd I ain\u2019t danced wi\u2019 Bessie Sue but once!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIts enough to make you sick,\u201d Adam agreed, wondering why his furry chest wasn\u2019t attracting the ladies that night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Ten lords a-leaping\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The inevitable fight came late on in the evening. Joe was standing by the punch bowl, chatting to Sally Marks. A moment later, her boyfriend, a cowboy Joe knew slightly, appeared and said, \u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing, Cartwright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh back off, John,\u201d Joe replied, wearily. \u201cI\u2019m just talking to Sally.\u201d<\/p>\n

Luckily, Joe was sober and John was drunk, or else Joe might have ended up in a real mess. As it was, he saw the punch coming and simply ducked. Next moment, a wild melee broke out as a number of drunken cowboys raced to Joe\u2019s defense.<\/p>\n

By the time Adam and Hoss were picking themselves up, Roy Coffee had arrived and was taking the worst of the drunks to sleep it off in the town jail and Joe was sitting on a comfortable sofa watching the proceeds with all the air of a young lord.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know how he does it,\u201d Adam muttered. He could feel several spots on his face that would turn into bruises before the night was out, and Hoss was in a similar condition. \u201cThere\u2019s not a mark on him!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJist as well,\u201d Hoss told him. \u201cThink of the trouble we\u2019d be in if\u2019n Joe came home all beat up an\u2019 with his bad arm, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam gave Hoss an \u2018old-fashioned\u2019 look. \u201cWhat makes you think we\u2019re not going to be in trouble anyway?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Eleven pipers piping\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They were having a sedate breakfast the next morning, Christmas Eve, when the air was suddenly rent by an unearthly noise. \u201cWhat on earth?\u201d Ben cried, leaping to his feet and looking around wildly. \u201cWhat is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBagpipes!\u201d Joe cried and jumped up, a wide grin splitting his face. He rushed over and opened the door and the whole family stood there in amazement as a Scottish piper walked across the yard, playing \u2018Scotland the Brave\u2019. The horses in the corral were racing around in terror, for the noise was quite deafening as it bounced off the house and barn.<\/p>\n

Behind the piper were two girls and a small bear. \u201cYee-Ha!\u201d Joe caroled and rushed out into the snow to greet the Giggly Sisters, who had been living at the ranch now for almost a year, and who had been away doing some Christmas shopping with Paw, their pet bear.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least its only one piper,\u201d Adam consoled his father, but he was wrong, for another 10 suddenly marched out from behind the barn playing \u2018Amazing Grace\u2019.<\/p>\n

It was stunningly beautiful to hear the pipes on the cold air and the old hymn moved them all. After it was finished, the pipers bowed to the sisters and left. Joe and the girls came inside, where the girls demanded the details of how Joe had become maimed while they were away.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got my Christmas present,\u201d Joe declared. \u201cMy girls are home!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben tried valiantly not to groan in despair.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me<\/em><\/p>\n

Twelve drummers drumming\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cPaw\u2019s just a baby, so to keep him out of the presents until morning, we gave him one early,\u201d the redhead explained as the blonde helped the little bear unwrap his gift. That Paw was delighted was evident, but no one else seemed to be. He had a little red drum.<\/p>\n

As Paw paraded around banging on the drum to his heart\u2019s content, the blonde smiled at Ben. \u201cAt least he\u2019s an only bear,\u201d she consoled him. \u201cThink how much worse it would be if he were twins.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThese last few days have been so like that song, \u2018The 12 Days of Christmas,\u2019 with the things that have happened,\u201d Adam remarked. \u201cHow does it go again?\u201d<\/p>\n

And the redhead stood up, drew in a deep breath and began singing,<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me (breath)<\/p>\n

Twelve drummers drumming<\/p>\n

\u2018Leven pipers piping,<\/p>\n

Ten lords a-leaping,<\/p>\n

Nine ladies dancing,<\/p>\n

Eight maids a-milking,<\/p>\n

Seven swans a-swimming,<\/p>\n

Six geese a-laying,<\/p>\n

Five gold rings (breath)<\/p>\n

Four calling birds,<\/p>\n

Three French hens,<\/p>\n

Two turtle doves\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And here everyone joined in, singing the last line while the redhead added the descant<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd a partridge in a pear tree!\u201d<\/p>\n

Merry Christmas everyone!<\/p>\n

*****End*****<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Music and words for The 12 days of Christmas by Frederick Silver. Although the 12 days applies to the 12 days leading up to Epiphany, when the Magi came from the East, I have taken the liberty of setting it before Christmas, not after. And many thanks to my dear sister Claire for her helpful suggestions. What would I do without you, sis!<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0 A non-serious look at the song as it might apply to the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0 (3,075 words)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":6075,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3557","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","wpcat-4-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1093,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Troll-the-Ancient-Yuletide-Carol.jpg?fit=640%2C480&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":5519,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5519","url_meta":{"origin":3557,"position":0},"title":"The Christmas Surprise (by deansgirl)","author":"deansgirl","date":"December 24, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The first Chrismas after Marie died was going to be a sad one.\u00a0 Can Adam and Hoss make the season bright after all? 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