{"id":3573,"date":"2007-10-26T02:18:43","date_gmt":"2007-10-26T06:18:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3573"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:11:18","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:11:18","slug":"a-brothers-torment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3573","title":{"rendered":"A Brother’s Torment (by Puchi Ann)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Adam isn’t talking about whatever happened to him in the desert, but a concerned younger brother has developed some unique theories to explain it. \u00a0According to Little Joe, who tells the aftermath of “The Crucible” from his perspective, it’s all a matter of kerosene and water.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a014,000<\/p>\n

A Brother’s Torment Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

A Brothers Torment<\/a>
\nWater for a Burning Soul<\/a><\/p>\n

\n

It\u2019s over, \u2018cause we found him; we finally found him! \u00a0And here he is, safe, when we were sure he was dead.\u00a0 Well, I was, anyway; I said as much to the sheriff of Salt Flats after I found out that Adam had been waylaid by those two pieces of rotten driftwood.\u00a0 Pa held out longer, and his faith carried me and Hoss along, at least for a while.\u00a0 Two long weeks we looked, and just when we\u2019d give up hope altogether, Pa spotted him down here on the desert floor.\u00a0 Had to be the hand of God, else why would Pa have looked down here, just that minute, when one minute more might\u2019ve lost him to us forever?\u00a0 Just a minute\u2014less, really\u2014between bein\u2019 washed by a river of joy or crushed by an ocean of agony.\u00a0 (How\u2019s that for poetic talk, Adam?\u00a0 And you think I never listen when you spout that fodder!)\u00a0 Poetry aside, now it\u2019s over: the gut-grippin\u2019 fear when he didn\u2019t meet me at Signal Rock, the shivering dread of finding Sport alone at that livery, the bubble of hope when Pa and Hoss came to help me search . . . the throat-stranglin\u2019 grief and guilt of finally givin\u2019 up.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been in<\/strong> hell for half a month, but now it\u2019s over, washed clean with joy . . . leastways, it ought to be.<\/p>\n

Hell . . . I called it that in my own mind, though I never said it out loud, but now, seein\u2019 my brother fall into Pa\u2019s arms and blubber like a baby\u2014no, that ain\u2019t right; babies blubber out of anger or pain or hunger, maybe (I ain\u2019t no expert) . . . but Adam?\u00a0 What could make him cry?\u00a0 Somethin\u2019 more than a baby\u2019s need, that\u2019s for sure. \u00a0Somethin\u2019 deeper, like . . . despair?\u00a0 Is that what it is?\u00a0 Adam . . . despair . . . don\u2019t seem to go together, no more than Adam cryin\u2019 his heart out in Pa\u2019s arms; that\u2019s more like me.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s never seemed to need that kind of comfort.\u00a0 He\u2019s too strong to need it . . . too much a man . . . but he needs it now, needs it more than I ever have.\u00a0 I may not be smart like him, but I can feel what folks feel, real strong sometimes, and what I\u2019m feelin\u2019 now, comin\u2019 from my big brother, is that ocean of agony I thought Providence had spared us.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t spare Adam, I guess, and before I can stop the words\u2014I almost never can\u2014they\u2019re out my mouth: \u201cHe\u2019s been through some kind of hell.\u201d\u00a0 I only thought I\u2019d been there; my brother Adam, he\u2019s stared straight into its flames, and I ain\u2019t even had a glimpse.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was draggin\u2019 a dead man,\u201d I hear Hoss say.\u00a0 I\u2019d forgot about that fellow on the litter.\u00a0 Who is\u2014was\u2014he?\u00a0 Just another sinner sufferin\u2019 the flames of hell . . . or was he the devil with the pitchfork?\u00a0 Don\u2019t know what made me think that, but a shiver went through me when I did, a shiver of knowing\u2014like the one I felt when I found Sport.\u00a0 I knew then that somethin\u2019 awful had happened to my big brother, and looking at that sun-baked body over there, I know\u2014just know without knowing how\u2014he\u2019s part of the somethin\u2019 awful, maybe the worst part, maybe the part that brought my brother to despair.<\/p>\n

Still can\u2019t get a handle on that.\u00a0 Adam don\u2019t despair.\u00a0 He stays real calm in a crisis, thinks things through and works \u2018em out, so everything turns out right in the end.\u00a0 Always been that way.\u00a0 Seen him do it time and again.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t he do it this time?\u00a0 Well, of course, he did, \u2018cause everything is right: he\u2019s alive and he\u2019s with us.\u00a0 Drained dry and scrawnied down\u2014the desert\u2019ll do that to a man\u2014that\u2019s likely what\u2019s makin\u2019 him look so lost . . . so kind of hollowed out . . . but rest and Hop Sing\u2019s good cooking\u2019ll take care of that.\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 That\u2019s all he needs.\u00a0 He\u2019s Adam.\u00a0 Stuff don\u2019t get to him like it does to weaker folks\u2014folks like me.\u00a0 He\u2019s Adam\u2014my big, strong, made-of-iron brother.\u00a0 Ain\u2019t nothin\u2019 gonna break him, not ever.\u00a0 So, it\u2019s over . . . leastways, it ought to be.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

It ain\u2019t over.\u00a0 Should\u2019ve been, once we got him to town.\u00a0 We took him straight to the doctor here, who ain\u2019t no Doc Martin, but good as they got in Salt Flats.\u00a0 He said just what I thought: Adam needs to rest and feed up, and he\u2019ll be fine, no damage done.\u00a0 (Maybe him sayin\u2019 the same as me, who knows squat about doctorin\u2019, should have been a warning, but we missed it.)\u00a0 Anyway, we watered him and fed him and put him to bed and waited for him to perk right up, so we could head back to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 That was three days ago, and he ain\u2019t perked up yet.<\/p>\n

The first night here he slept solid and silent, like he had on the trail.\u00a0 Just plumb wore out . . . or, maybe, it was \u2018cause Pa was sittin\u2019 with him.\u00a0 I can always sense Pa close when I\u2019m sick or hurt, and it helps me rest; maybe it\u2019s the same with Adam.\u00a0 The second night, with me on watch, was anything but restful . . . for Adam or me.\u00a0 Adam kept mutterin\u2019 somethin\u2019 in his sleep.\u00a0 I could never quite make it out clear . . . somethin\u2019 about gold and games.\u00a0 I tried pattin\u2019 his arm, to soothe him, but it didn\u2019t seem to have no effect.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t Pa.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t wakin\u2019 hisself up, so I just let him mutter away.<\/p>\n

I settled down in the straight-backed chair, and even though that ain\u2019t a comfy bed, I must\u2019ve drifted off.\u00a0 I jolted straight out of the chair when I heard Adam yellin\u2019 his head off.\u00a0 Same stuff about gold and games, only louder and kind of frantic-like.\u00a0 I hurried over to him and shook him awake, to loose him from the nightmare.\u00a0 Big mistake.<\/p>\n

Next thing I know my brother\u2019s hands are closed around my neck, and he\u2019s yellin\u2019 right in my face: \u201cNo more games!\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re nose-to-nose and I\u2019m just inches from his eyes . . . and what I saw there scared me half to death.\u00a0 His eyes were glazed over, like he didn\u2019t even see me, and I couldn\u2019t see what he was seein\u2019, either.\u00a0 I got a feeling that\u2019s a blessing.<\/p>\n

Weak as he was, I should have been able to push him off me, but he caught me off guard and, besides, I didn\u2019t want to hurt him.\u00a0 That held me back long enough for him to get a killer grip on my throat, and no matter how hard I pushed and pulled on his hands, I couldn\u2019t break loose of that stranglehold.\u00a0 He was squeezing tighter and tighter, \u2018til I couldn\u2019t get a word out.\u00a0 A good thing for me Adam was lettin\u2019 out plenty, enough to wake Pa and Hoss and send them both runnin\u2019 in.\u00a0 Hoss got there a minute before Pa and he hollered, \u201cAdam!\u00a0 Adam!\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s head jerked toward Hoss and then back toward me, and the glaze faded away.\u00a0 He let loose a cry like a wounded animal\u2014or somethin\u2019 worse\u2014and let go.\u00a0 He fell back onto the bed, with one arm flung across his eyes and just lay there, pantin\u2019.<\/p>\n

Suckin\u2019 in air in short gasps, I stumbled away from the bed, and Hoss caught me before I toppled over.<\/p>\n

Pa came in about then, his eyes flickin\u2019 back and forth between me and Adam, tryin\u2019 to take in what he was seein\u2019.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph, are you all right?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

I still couldn\u2019t talk, but I nodded.\u00a0 Hoss put an arm around my shoulder, and he nodded at Pa, too, as if to say that he\u2019d take care of me, so\u2019s Pa could go to Adam.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what he did.\u00a0 I\u2019d\u2019ve held my breath, except I didn\u2019t have none to hold.\u00a0 It scared me, though, watchin\u2019 Pa ease toward that bed.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help wonderin\u2019 if Adam would go after him, the way he\u2019d gone for me.\u00a0 \u201cAdam . . . son?\u201d Pa asked gentle-like.\u00a0 \u201cAre you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

At first Adam didn\u2019t say nothin\u2019, just hid behind that arm over his eyes.\u00a0 Then he asked, real weakly, \u201cDid I hurt him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no,\u201d Pa assured him quick-like.\u00a0 \u201cYour brother\u2019s fine, Adam; you didn\u2019t hurt him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat musta been some nightmare, older brother,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

Adam finally let the arm fall.\u00a0 \u201cA nightmare.\u201d\u00a0 He licked his lips and Pa turned to pour him a glass of water.\u00a0 \u201cYes.\u00a0 I . . .was having\u201d\u2014his eyes fell on me\u2014\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joe,\u201d he whispered so soft I could barely hear him.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice tapered off as Pa offered him a drink, leavin\u2019 me to wonder what he\u2019d meant to say.\u00a0 That he didn\u2019t mean to, that he didn\u2019t know it was me?\u00a0 Who\u2019d he think I was, then?\u00a0 I had an idea, but I wasn\u2019t about to ask . . . at least, not then.\u00a0 I try to limit myself to one big mistake per night.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t ask this morning, either.\u00a0 I came in to see Adam before I headed down to breakfast.\u00a0 Just needed to see that he was all right . . . that he was Adam, not whoever or whatever he was last night.\u00a0 He seemed to be, but suddenly I realized he was staring at my neck, and I hurried to button my shirt up all the way.\u00a0 Too late.\u00a0 He\u2019d seen.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I do that?\u201d he asked, like he was askin\u2019 if he\u2019d robbed a bank or shot a man for no reason.<\/p>\n

My heart went out to him.\u00a0 \u201cYou were asleep, Adam,\u201d I said, makin\u2019 excuse.\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t know it was me.\u201d\u00a0 All I wanted was to comfort him, to take the worry off his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I . . . didn\u2019t know it was you,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

That was the time to ask who he\u2019d thought I was, but I just couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 All I could say was, \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d\u00a0 Adam didn\u2019t say anything, and I hightailed it out of there and joined Hoss downstairs for breakfast.<\/p>\n

Today, Adam\u2019s been quiet all day.\u00a0 Just lies there real thoughtful, grateful for every little thing we do for him, but still lookin\u2019 hollowed out inside, like he just ain\u2019t there, like he\u2019s still out in that desert with that dead man\u2014dead devil, that\u2019s how I think of him.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t had the nerve to ask, but I know that devil did something to my brother that put him straight into hell\u2019s flames, and he ain\u2019t out yet.\u00a0 Adam ain\u2019t said nothin\u2019, though, not one word about what happened out there.\u00a0 Pa don\u2019t ask nor Hoss, neither, except that one question out in the desert, when he buried the devil, and \u201cKane\u201d was all Adam answered then.\u00a0 Hoss scratched it on the rock he put at the head of the devil\u2019s grave, and we left him behind.<\/p>\n

Except Adam.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think he left that Kane behind; I think he\u2019s still draggin\u2019 him along, and the weight of it\u2019s killin\u2019 him, keepin\u2019 him in the hell fire that devil threw him into.\u00a0 How could any man do that to Adam, my big, strong, made-of-iron\u2014is he made of iron?\u00a0 I always thought so, but now I\u2019m not so sure.\u00a0 Maybe he\u2019s flesh and bone, like the rest of us, after all.\u00a0 I kind of wish he weren\u2019t, that he was so strong nothin\u2019 could break him, \u2018cause I\u2019m real scared this might . . . whatever \u201cthis\u201d is.\u00a0 Will we ever know?\u00a0 I got to!\u00a0 \u2018Cause anything that can crack Adam\u2019s iron strength could shatter what us lesser mortals got.<\/p>\n

I want to ask so bad, but I just can\u2019t; I can\u2019t make hell burn hotter for my brother, and I got a gut feelin\u2019\u2014Pa and Hoss do, too, I\u2019m pretty sure\u2014that talkin\u2019 right now would just add fuel to hell\u2019s fire.\u00a0 I think talkin\u2019s the only water to put it out, too.\u00a0 Always works with me and Pa . . . but not \u2018til the time\u2019s right.\u00a0 Talkin\u2019s still kerosene to Adam, and he\u2019s the only one who can turn that kerosene to water.\u00a0 I don\u2019t mean nothin\u2019 sacrilegious by that.\u00a0 It ain\u2019t like I think Adam\u2019s Jesus, with the power to turn water to wine, but he\u2019s the one who\u2019s got to decide when God\u2019s made it happen for him.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t a preacher, no more than I am a doctor, but I got a lot of experience with this kerosene to water miracle.\u00a0 I wonder if Pa ever got this twisted up inside, waitin\u2019 for it to happen with me.\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll ask; maybe now\u2019s exactly the right time to ask; maybe if I remind Pa of all the times it\u2019s happened for me, it\u2019ll be water on the fire burnin\u2019 in him, while he waits for the chance to douse Adam\u2019s hell.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

It still ain\u2019t over . . . and now I think maybe it ain\u2019t gonna be, not for a long, long time . . . not for Adam, not for me.\u00a0 I know things now I didn\u2019t before, and now it\u2019s not just Adam carrying secrets; it\u2019s me, too. \u00a0Adam made his statement to the sheriff today, and Pa sent me along with him, sayin\u2019 the sheriff might have questions for me, too, since I was the one who found good ole Sport.\u00a0 The sheriff did ask me some about that, since I hadn\u2019t give him much chance the first time I came to town, but I knew\u2014and I think Adam did, too\u2014that the real reason Pa wanted me there was to look after older brother, who\u2019s still more than a little wobbly after his time in the desert. \u00a0I wish he\u2019d sent Hoss, instead.<\/p>\n

Adam told his story, all cut and dried, just bare facts and as few of them as the sheriff would let him by with.\u00a0 He was waylaid in the desert by two men\u2014the ones I trailed here to town\u2014robbed and left to make his way out as best he could, on foot and without water.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t care whether he lived or died\u2014probably hoped he\u2019d die, in fact, and leave no witness to their crime\u2014but Adam\u2019s strong, like I\u2019ve always known.\u00a0 He survived and they\u2019re the ones ended up dead, though Adam didn\u2019t know that \u2018til today.<\/p>\n

What I didn\u2019t know \u2018til today was who those men were.\u00a0 Just a couple of saddle bums, the kind you\u2019d give no heed to in a saloon.\u00a0 And we didn\u2019t, neither Adam nor me, but they sure gave heed to us.\u00a0 Must\u2019ve heard us talkin\u2019 about the money we\u2019d got from the cattle, must\u2019ve seen Adam hand me over some of it for \u201ca little celebration money.\u201d\u00a0 And, what\u2019s worse, must\u2019ve heard all about our plans to split up, for me to stay in East Gate for the trial and Adam to go off alone.<\/p>\n

Why\u2019d I let him?\u00a0 It was rough country, the kind a man shouldn\u2019t be alone in, but I didn\u2019t give it a second\u2019s thought at the time.\u00a0 Maybe \u2018cause plenty of men do cross the desert alone, and maybe \u2018cause I think my big brother can handle anything . . . except two-against-one odds.\u00a0 If we\u2019d just stayed together . . . that\u2019s what ripped me right apart while I was listenin\u2019 to Adam give his statement to the sheriff.\u00a0 If we\u2019d just stayed together, it might never have happened . . . whatever \u201cit\u201d is.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s still bein\u2019 cagey \u2018bout that.\u00a0 He told the sheriff that he only survived because he came across the camp of a miner named Kane, that the man offered him food and water and help gettin\u2019 out of the desert in exchange for a few days\u2019 work in his mine.\u00a0 A few days!\u00a0 Adam was missin\u2019 two weeks!\u00a0 Then he said they\u2019d waited too long to start out; food and water ran short and Kane got weak.\u00a0 Adam built a travois and tried to drag him out, but he died; Adam wasn\u2019t sure when.\u00a0 I told the sheriff that Kane had been dead when we found Adam, still pullin\u2019 him, and that we\u2019d buried him.<\/p>\n

The story seemed to satisfy the sheriff, but it don\u2019t satisfy me.\u00a0 I\u2019m sort of the family expert at lies and half-truths told in time of need, so I can recognize a whopper when I hear one.\u00a0 And my straight-and-narrow brother just told one . . . half-truth, at best.\u00a0 So Kane\u2019s a helpful miner he met out in the desert, huh?\u00a0 I don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 Call it gut-instinct, but I still think that man was a devil, and if I didn\u2019t before, the way Adam shivered when he mentioned his name would have shouted it at me.\u00a0 That devil did something to my brother . . . and whatever it was, I\u2019m at least part to blame, \u2018cause I let my brother face the devil alone.\u00a0 If I\u2019d just gone with him, it wouldn\u2019t have happened.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the secret I got to carry now, my own load of kerosene that tryin\u2019 to talk about will set a spark to.\u00a0 Makes me glad I didn\u2019t have that talk with Pa I was thinkin\u2019 about.\u00a0 Pa and Hoss\u2014they\u2019re frettin\u2019 theirselves sick over Adam already, especially after what happened the other night, so it\u2019s time for me to be a man and carry my own load, like Adam is.\u00a0 His load\u2019s heavy, I can tell, by the way his steps drag as we head back to the hotel.\u00a0 I wish I could share it, but right now that would just be kerosene mixin\u2019 with kerosene.\u00a0 Don\u2019t take no college scholar to know that could only make a bigger flare up, so us two containers of kerosene better just walk along together quiet-like and separate.\u00a0 And neither one of us will say a word to Pa or Hoss, even though they got the water we need.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be tough, but I can do it if Adam can.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

I ain\u2019t as good at this as Adam.\u00a0 I got one of those tattletale faces that lets folks\u2014especially my family\u2014know right off when something\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 And what I heard at the sheriff\u2019s office is twisting my stomach in knots by the time we all settle down to dinner in the hotel restaurant.\u00a0 Even Adam makes a better show of clearing his plate, and puny as his appetite\u2019s been since we found him, that\u2019s sayin\u2019 a good bit.\u00a0 I sort of fiddle my fork through my food and take a nibble now and then, hoping no one will take note.\u00a0 Of course, Hoss notices right off, and it ain\u2019t the sort of thing he\u2019s likely to keep quiet about.\u00a0 \u201cKind of off your feed, ain\u2019t you, little brother?\u201d he asks with a worried look.<\/p>\n

I shrug it off.\u00a0 \u201cAin\u2019t done nothin\u2019 to work up an appetite.\u201d\u00a0 I can hear irritation in my voice, but it\u2019s too late to change that.\u00a0 I flick a nervous glance over at Adam and see him lookin\u2019 at me with his head cocked in that studyin\u2019 sort of way he\u2019s got.\u00a0 I cut away fast before he can get a good look into those tattlin\u2019 eyes of mine and see straight down into my soul.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think he had time to see the guilt wrenchin\u2019 my gut \u2018til food\u2019s plumb nauseous to me, but he must\u2019ve seen something that bothered him, \u2018cause the next thing I know he\u2019s sayin\u2019, \u201cMaybe it\u2019s time we headed back home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothin\u2019 I want more than to be home, but not like this\u2014not with my brother, who\u2019s been through hell, pushing himself before he\u2019s ready because he\u2019s worried about me!\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t be stupid!\u201d I snap.\u00a0 \u201cYou ain\u2019t up to travelin\u2019 yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d Pa hisses at me, keepin\u2019 his voice down \u2018cause we\u2019re in a public place.\u00a0 \u201cYou will not speak to your brother in that manner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right, Pa,\u201d Adam says real quiet-like.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re all restless, cooped up in this hotel . . . and I think I\u2019m ready to go home.\u201d\u00a0 His voice hesitates and gets even softer when he says that last part.\u00a0 He ain\u2019t ready; I can tell he ain\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I choke on the words, but manage to get a few out.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t do this for me.\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t make me feel worse<\/em>, I want to scream, but I ain\u2019t that selfish.\u00a0 That\u2019s all Adam needs: the load of my guilt added to his own.\u00a0 Whoa!\u00a0 Where\u2019d that thought come from?\u00a0 What guilt could Adam be carryin\u2019?<\/p>\n

I ain\u2019t got time to ponder that one, though, \u2018cause now Adam\u2019s talkin\u2019 again, his voice real gentle.\u00a0 \u201cHome is what we all need,\u201d he says.\u00a0 His hand reaches out to cover mine, but his touch burns like fire, and though I hate myself for it, I pull away.\u00a0 Sneaking a peek, I can see Adam looks puzzled, but he just leaves his hand floatin\u2019 there in mid-air and asks, \u201cCould we leave tomorrow morning, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa don\u2019t quite know what to say at first.\u00a0 In his face I can see worry over Adam\u2019s health battlin\u2019 with joy that he\u2019s sounding so much better.\u00a0 In the end joy wins.\u00a0 \u201cOf course, son,\u201d he says brightly.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll head home tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0 I can tell he\u2019s thinking that everything will be all right again, once we\u2019re back on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Will it?\u00a0 Will it be over then?\u00a0 Or will all this bottled-up kerosene just explode and burn down the ranch?<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

Boy howdy, ain\u2019t this some trip?\u00a0 The most uncomfortable I\u2019ve made in a long while.\u00a0 Come to think of it, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever made this miserable a trip in my life.\u00a0 It ought to be great, the four of us ridin\u2019 home, side by side, but it\u2019s just been . . . well, awkward . . . I guess that\u2019s the word for it.\u00a0 It\u2019s all Adam can do to stay in a saddle, so no one worries much about how quiet he\u2019s bein\u2019.\u00a0 Besides, quiet is kind of natural for him.<\/p>\n

It ain\u2019t natural for me.\u00a0 Usually, no one can shut me up on a long journey like this; if I ain\u2019t jabberin\u2019, I\u2019m hummin\u2019 or singin\u2019 some little ditty, \u2018til whoever I\u2019m with cries out for mercy.\u00a0 I can tell by the way Pa and Hoss keep lookin\u2019 over at me that they\u2019re wonderin\u2019 what on earth\u2019s gone wrong, to keep me quiet and broodsome, like older brother.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t likely to share my thoughts with them\u2014no, sir!\u00a0 \u2018Cause all I been able to think about since we left Salt Flats is that crazy feelin\u2019 I had back in the restaurant that Adam\u2019s carryin\u2019 a load of guilt, same as me.\u00a0 Makes no sense, leastways none I can figure.\u00a0 He ain\u2019t let no one down; he just ran into more trouble than one man could handle, and that\u2019s more my fault than his.\u00a0 Every now and then, though, I peek over at Adam, and the way he jerks away tells me he\u2019s hidin\u2019 something, some kind of guilt that likely only makes sense in his own head.\u00a0 \u2018Cause my big brother couldn\u2019t\u2019ve done nothin\u2019 wrong, leastways nothin\u2019 wrong enough to account for him lookin\u2019 so . . . so tormented.<\/p>\n

Wish he\u2019d tell me what that torment is . . . or, better yet, tell Pa.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s got the water you need, you ole bottle of kerosene, so why don\u2019t you just . . .<\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t I just, huh?\u00a0 Pa\u2019s the only one could help me make sense of what\u2019s eatin\u2019 me, too, but I can\u2019t talk yet, any more than Adam can.\u00a0 So we\u2019ll just keep ridin\u2019 along, Pa and Hoss chirpin\u2019 away about all the work that\u2019s waitin\u2019 at the ranch and me and Adam just noddin\u2019, like we\u2019re hearin\u2019 every word, instead of one in ten.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

I volunteered to scout around for some firewood.\u00a0 Kind of sparse in this area we\u2019re camped in, which means the job\u2019ll take awhile, but I need to get away from the others, just for a bit.\u00a0 Wish I could get clean away.\u00a0 I need to think, and I just can\u2019t with them starin\u2019 at me.\u00a0 Maybe, once we get home, I oughta volunteer to stock the line shacks or something.\u00a0 Too obvious, probably; just raise questions I don\u2019t wanna answer.\u00a0 What\u2019s that?\u00a0 Dropping my load of sage and reaching for my gun, I spin around at the sound behind me.\u00a0 Oh, man, wouldn\u2019t you just know it?\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you doin\u2019 here?\u201d I demand as I holster the pistol.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you could use a hand,\u201d Adam says.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yours, I can\u2019t,\u201d I sputter.\u00a0 \u201cYou ain\u2019t up to work yet, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

He arches his eyebrow at me in that maddenin\u2019 way he\u2019s got.\u00a0 \u201cPicking up a little dried sage generally qualifies as light chores.\u00a0 Any reason you don\u2019t want my help?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust don\u2019t need it.\u201d \u00a0I bend down to pick up the kindling I dropped.\u00a0 I take my time, so\u2019s I can keep my face hidden, but Adam\u2019s still standing there, starin\u2019 at me, when I come up.<\/p>\n

He puckers out his lips and exhales slow through them.\u00a0 \u201cAre you afraid of me, Joe?\u201d he asks quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I say fast\u2014too fast.\u00a0 \u201cWhy would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n

One of those non-smilin\u2019 smiles lifts one side of his mouth.\u00a0 \u201cWell, you did just pull a gun on me\u2014and you\u2019ve been careful to keep Hoss between us all day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Guilty as charged, but that was so he wouldn\u2019t look at me too close, no other reason.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell him that, so, instead, I say, \u201cI ain\u2019t scared of you, Adam.\u00a0 Why would I be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis, maybe,\u201d Adam says, stepping toward me and reaching to touch the bruises on my throat.\u00a0 I tried to keep my shirt buttoned up, so he wouldn\u2019t have that reminder, but the desert heat just plain melted my resolve and I\u2019d loosed the top two buttons by midday.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t stop myself.\u00a0 At the sight of his hand comin\u2019 toward me, I flinch away.\u00a0 For that one moment, I am scared, remembering how he came at me before.\u00a0 \u201cI told you not to worry about that,\u201d I say, hopin\u2019 the words come fast enough to cover anything my face might say different.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s bothering you, Joe?\u201d my brother asks, voice all soft with worry.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothin\u2019,\u201d I insist, wishin\u2019 I could keep the sharpness out of my own voice, but I ain\u2019t never managed the control my big brother\u2019s got.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m just . . . on edge.\u00a0 You know . . . dark . . . desert . . . creatures of the night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam gives a short, ugly laugh.\u00a0 \u201cSince when are you afraid of the dark?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t,\u201d I snort as disdainful as I can, \u201cand I ain\u2019t afraid of you, neither, so now that we got all that settled, why don\u2019t you just haul your scrawny, desert-dried carcass back to camp and let me finish this chore?\u201d\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t talk so rough to him; I know I shouldn\u2019t, but if he don\u2019t quit badgerin\u2019 me, so help me I\u2019m gonna just blurt out exactly what I\u2019m thinkin\u2019, and we won\u2019t have to wait to get back to the Ponderosa for that sky-high explosion I been dreadin\u2019.<\/p>\n

He looks like I\u2019ve hit him with a two-by-four, and his face goes so pale I think he may keel over.\u00a0 I take a step forward, but he gets hold of himself and straightens up rigid as a ridgepole.\u00a0 \u201cBy all means, little brother,\u201d he says gruffly.\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t want to discourage this rare demonstration of industry.\u201d\u00a0 Then he turns and walks away.<\/p>\n

Now, that sounded like my big brother!\u00a0 I\u2019m used to takin\u2019 that kind of guff from him, and after the way he\u2019s been the last few days, it\u2019s music to my ears.\u00a0 Maybe things are gettin\u2019 better . . . at least for him.\u00a0 Ain\u2019t so sure about me.\u00a0 I got to find someplace to pour out all this kerosene I got inside . . . or, maybe, if Adam keeps actin\u2019 more like the brother I know, it\u2019ll just dilute down to water on its own.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

We been home a week now, long enough to know the good ole Ponderosa ain\u2019t the sure-fire cure-all we all hoped\u2014prayed\u2014she\u2019d be.\u00a0 Ain\u2019t nothin\u2019 gettin\u2019 diluted around here, not for Adam and dead-sure not for me.\u00a0 I\u2019m off my feed so bad Pa and Hoss both are frettin\u2019, but I keep blamin\u2019 the heat or some such excuse.\u00a0 They ain\u2019t exactly buyin\u2019 it, but so far they ain\u2019t pushed me about it.\u00a0 Chalkin\u2019 it up to worry over Adam, maybe, and, well, come down to it, that\u2019s pretty much right.\u00a0 Worry and guilt, but they don\u2019t know that part, and I\u2019d just as soon they never did.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s appetite ain\u2019t too bad, but he sure don\u2019t sleep good.\u00a0 I know \u2018cause I kinda been pacin\u2019 the floorboards every night myself, and I hear him mutterin\u2019 that same ole claptrap in his sleep.\u00a0 I go as far as the door, to see whether it\u2019s bad enough to run for Pa, but I ain\u2019t about to get too close.\u00a0 Learned my lesson on that one the hard way!\u00a0 So far, he just tosses and mutters, so I leave him be.\u00a0 Far as I know, Pa nor Hoss neither one knows how bad it is, except they can probably see the circles under older brother\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Mine, too?\u00a0 I ain\u2019t taken a close look in a mirror recent enough to know; don\u2019t think I want to know.<\/p>\n

Adam is some better, though, or, at least, tryin\u2019 to act like he is.\u00a0 Maybe that\u2019s all any of us ever do is act like we\u2019re okay when we ain\u2019t.\u00a0 Don\u2019t know why we bother.\u00a0 Never fools anyone.\u00a0 Anyway, Adam\u2019s been actin\u2019 like he\u2019s all ready and rarin\u2019 to go back to work, but Doc Martin says no, so Pa says the same, of course.\u00a0 Could\u2019ve told Adam there weren\u2019t no use arguin\u2019 with that pair.\u00a0 Comes down to the final tally, they hold all the marbles.<\/p>\n

Ole Adam\u2019s sure been a caution, though.\u00a0 One of us sticks close to the house every day, and he\u2019s smart enough to figure out we\u2019re doin\u2019 it to keep an eye on him.\u00a0 Shucks, even I could figure that one out; don\u2019t take a brain as big as ole Plato\u2019s.\u00a0 Don\u2019t take much brain power to figure out how he feels about it, either.\u00a0 We\u2019re two of a kind when it comes to that\u2014maybe four of a kind, which\u2019d be a winning hand in poker, but adds up to nothin\u2019 but misery in this pot.<\/p>\n

Picture it like this: a fellow\u2019s all duded up for a fancy dress ball, swallow-tail coat and all, but he\u2019s got these starvin\u2019 ants nibblin\u2019 around inside his fancy black britches.\u00a0 Now, at a high-falutin\u2019 party like this, he can\u2019t let anyone know that<\/em>, so he dances and talks real smooth, all the time tryin\u2019 to ignore those ants gnawin\u2019 away.\u00a0 Tight-reined control on the surface and hell fire underneath.\u00a0 That\u2019s the way it\u2019s been with Adam, like he\u2019s about to bust with something, but just won\u2019t let himself let loose.\u00a0 Kills me to see him like that, \u2018cause I ain\u2019t forgot that it\u2019s all my fault he was left alone to deal with . . . with . . . doggone, I wish I knew with what!<\/p>\n

Pa tried once to get him to talk about what happened out in that desert.\u00a0 Adam just thanked him, polite as a stranger, but said there wasn\u2019t nothin\u2019 to talk about.\u00a0 Nothin\u2019, my foot!\u00a0 He told that whopper cool as a cucumber, but I bet those ants were feastin\u2019 away like he\u2019d spread a Sunday afternoon picnic just for them.<\/p>\n

Now, if it\u2019d been me, I\u2019d\u2019ve blown up and yelled my head off when Pa made me that offer, but that would\u2019ve been my way of hollerin\u2019 for help.\u00a0 That\u2019s the way my kerosene works\u2014flashes right up when a spark\u2019s set to it.\u00a0 I guess Adam\u2019s works different; his just kind of simmers away, just below the sparkin\u2019 point, so you\u2019re always waitin\u2019 for an explosion that never seems to come.\u00a0 And, then, when you least expect it\u2014boom!<\/p>\n

I ain\u2019t so sure but what my way\u2019s better, after all.\u00a0 Gets things over and done with quicker and gets me the help I need sooner.\u00a0 Maybe I oughta quit pussyfootin\u2019 around and do something to spark off ole Adam\u2019s kerosene.\u00a0 Maybe what the Ponderosa needs\u2014what we all need\u2014is that one big flare-up.\u00a0 Or maybe not.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to think some on that one.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

Glad I didn\u2019t waste much time thinkin\u2019.\u00a0 Like I figured all along, you set two containers of kerosene next to each other long enough, and some obliging spark\u2019s bound to come along.\u00a0 Should\u2019ve expected it, I reckon, but when it finally came, it hit me like a bolt out of the blue.\u00a0 And you know what lightning bolts do to kerosene, right?<\/p>\n

Today was my day at home, guarding ole Adam.\u00a0 Pa had business in town, and Hoss had promised to help an elderly neighbor patch his barn roof, so I was elected, like it or not\u2014and I didn\u2019t much like it.\u00a0 Wearisome business, this walkin\u2019 on eggshells\u2014doggone touchy eggshells, at that\u2014and I was plumb tuckered to begin with, from not sleepin\u2019 nights.\u00a0 Like usual when I was \u201con duty,\u201d I asked Adam if there was anything I could do for him before I started my morning chores.<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head.\u00a0 Then he asked, \u201cAny way I can help?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d I chided him, drawling the word out slow and reproachful, \u2018cause we been down this road before and he\u2019d be the first one to make me toe the line about doctor\u2019s orders.\u00a0 \u201cYou know you ain\u2019t allowed.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thought he\u2019d rip the blue fabric right off, tight as he clawed the arms of his chair.\u00a0 \u201cI can work,\u201d he growled, \u201ctake the place of a mule, if need be.\u201d<\/p>\n

I stared at him like he was crazy, \u2018cause for a minute he sounded like he was, voice all hollow and bitter and . . . far away . . . back in that desert hell, maybe.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t need a mule for barn chores,\u201d I finally managed to sputter out, \u201cbut thanks, anyway.\u201d\u00a0 Then I turned and all but ran for the barn.\u00a0 It\u2019s safer out there.\u00a0 Company\u2019s more sociable, too.<\/p>\n

Had me a good talk with Cochise while I was swampin\u2019 out the barn, chewed myself up one side and Cooch chawed me down the other, so to speak. \u00a0We both come to the conclusion that runnin\u2019 out on Adam like that was pretty doggone cowardly.\u00a0 All the poor guy wanted was somethin\u2019 to do besides stare at four walls.\u00a0 Can\u2019t hardly blame him for that, now can I?\u00a0 I\u2019d feel the same, even if I didn\u2019t have ants nippin\u2019 at my backside like ole Adam.\u00a0 Resolvin\u2019 to do my best to perk him up once I got back inside, I finished up the chores quick as I could without drawin\u2019 down the wrath of Pa on my helpless behind and scurried back to the house, all ready to be a good and downright entertaining brother, instead of a prison guard.<\/p>\n

Now, why did I think that all I had to do was make the right decision and everything would fall into place, pretty as you please?\u00a0 I was feelin\u2019 chipper when I went into the house, \u2018til I saw Adam sittin\u2019 in that chair, with a book open in his lap\u2014not readin\u2019 it, just starin\u2019 into the fire.\u00a0 I wondered for a minute if he could see the devil with his pitchfork in those flames, but I put that thought out of my head fast, \u2018cause it weren\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\n

I flashed older brother a big toothy grin and said, \u201cI\u2019m all done with the chores, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHurray for you,\u201d Adam muttered, but the way he said it made it sound like he meant just the opposite.<\/p>\n

Reminding myself that he had reason to be cranky, I took a deep breath and plunged on.\u00a0 \u201cHow about a game of checkers before lunch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 He tapped the book, as if to say that he was reading.<\/p>\n

It irked me, since I figured he hadn\u2019t turned a page since I\u2019d left this morning, but I wasn\u2019t about to let him dampen my spirits.\u00a0 Older brother obviously needed to be pulled out of himself, and I was just the man for the job.\u00a0 I\u2019m usually pretty good at that kind of thing.\u00a0 \u201cAh, come on, Adam,\u201d I wheedled.\u00a0 \u201cI got time, and goodness knows, you do.\u201d\u00a0 Oops.\u00a0 Shouldn\u2019t\u2019ve reminded him of that.\u00a0 Adam didn\u2019t say anything, but, like they say, if looks could kill. . . .<\/p>\n

I hurried on, to get past the awkwardness.\u00a0 \u201cBest two out of three?\u00a0 What do you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said no,\u201d he spat out through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll do you good, Adam,\u201d I rambled on, ignoring the warning sign of his bared fangs.\u00a0 \u201cYou know it will.\u00a0 Hey, I\u2019ll even play chess, if you\u2019d rather.\u201d\u00a0 This was real generous on my part, \u2018cause it pretty much guaranteed I was gonna lose, but anything to help older brother.<\/p>\n

Before I could pat myself on the back for bein\u2019 so noble, Adam slammed the book to the floor and stood up.\u00a0 \u201cI said no!\u201d he shouted.\u00a0 \u201cNo checkers, no chess, no games!\u201d<\/p>\n

That did it.\u00a0 If he\u2019d said anything but that, I think I might\u2019ve held on to myself, but it took me right back to all those restless nights of hearing him mutter in his sleep.\u00a0 I planted my hands on my hips and snarled back at him.\u00a0 \u201cNo games, huh?\u00a0 No gold, either, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam rocked unsteadily for a minute, and I started toward him, scared he\u2019d topple over, but he put up a hand to stop me.\u00a0 \u201cWhat . . . did . . . you . . . say?\u201d he demanded, icy eyes starin\u2019 me down.<\/p>\n

I guess that\u2019s when the lightning hit my kerosene, and I just . . . well . . . exploded.\u00a0 I started pacin\u2019 the floor in front of him.\u00a0 \u201cNo more gold; no more games,\u201d I ranted, throwin\u2019 my hands in the air.\u00a0 \u201cNo more gold; no more games.\u201d\u00a0 I stopped dead in front of him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so sick of that stuff I could scream.\u00a0 What gold, Adam?\u00a0 What games?\u201d<\/p>\n

He reached out and grabbed me\u2014not around the throat this time, thank goodness\u2014but he held me by my shirt front and yelled, \u201cYou don\u2019t know anything!\u201d<\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t I just keep my mouth shut or, at least, say something sensible, like, \u201cThat\u2019s right, Adam; I don\u2019t know a thing, so why don\u2019t you tell me about it\u201d?\u00a0 \u2018Cause that ain\u2019t what my kerosene does, once it\u2019s lit.\u00a0 Oh, no, I\u2019ve got to get contrary and throw a spark back at him.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t I?\u00a0 You talk in your sleep, Adam; you talk a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

He shook me \u2018til my teeth started to rattle, all the time yellin\u2019, \u201cYou don\u2019t know anything!\u00a0 You don\u2019t know anything!\u201d<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t have a choice, honest I didn\u2019t, but if I\u2019m real honest, I didn\u2019t want one, either.\u00a0 I wanted to fight back.\u00a0 I kicked and clawed and finally broke free.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t raise my hand to my brother, but it\u2019s the one mistake I didn\u2019t make.\u00a0 Before we knew it, we were wrestlin\u2019 each other, first one on top and then the other, kickin\u2019 tables, chairs, anything that got in our way.\u00a0 Just two bottles of kerosene rollin\u2019 around on the floor\u2014well, that don\u2019t make sense, \u2018cause we\u2019d both already exploded, but I wasn\u2019t thinkin\u2019 real clear at the time . . . and not much better now.<\/p>\n

I reckon we\u2019d\u2019ve burnt down the house\u2014or at least wrecked all the furniture\u2014if Hoss hadn\u2019t come in about then and waded right into the fire.\u00a0 He grabbed me up around the waist and somehow managed to hold Adam off with his other arm, \u2018cause older brother was still bound and determined to wring my neck or any stray limb he could get hold of. \u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhat\u2019s got into you two?\u201d Hoss roared.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t play checkers with me!\u201d I hollered, twisting and turning, trying to break free.<\/p>\n

Hoss stared at me like I\u2019d lost my mind, and I guess it was sort of a crazy way to describe what was going on, but it was a lot easier than tryin\u2019 to explain about kerosene.<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t play anything with you!\u201d Adam roared.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t know anything about games, boy!\u201d<\/p>\n

I was still kicking and squigglin\u2019, tryin\u2019 to get loose from Hoss\u2019s iron grip.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you know it all, don\u2019t you, Adam?\u201d I hollered.\u00a0 \u201cAll about gold and games; you even know how to play the devil\u2019s game.\u00a0 He teach you good, that devil Kane?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam lunged at me, but Hoss pushed him away, backed him right into his blue chair and bellowed, \u201cStay put!\u201d\u00a0 Then he hauled me across the room and dumped me into Pa\u2019s big leather chair.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you move,\u201d he growled, pointing a commanding finger when I started to get up, \u201cor so help me, Joe, I\u2019ll toss you through that dining room window clean into Lake Tahoe.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss don\u2019t get firm like that often, but when he does, he means business.\u00a0 I dropped back into the chair.<\/p>\n

Hoss took his stance between us, scowling and shaking his head as he looked from me to Adam and back again.\u00a0 Finally, his eyes settled on me.\u00a0 \u201cHow could you, Joe?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cMe?\u201d I yelped.\u00a0 \u201cHe grabbed me first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d Hoss said, patient as if he was tryin\u2019 to reason with a five-year-old, \u201cAdam\u2019s been sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

That did it.\u00a0 All my fire fizzled out in the shame of it.\u00a0 Adam had been more than sick; he\u2019d been through hell and hadn\u2019t found his way out yet.\u00a0 And while I\u2019d meant to help, all I\u2019d done was make things worse.\u00a0 I buried my face in my hands.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2014I\u2019m sorry,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean . . . I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

I could feel Hoss pattin\u2019 my back, but I couldn\u2019t take comfort from it.\u00a0 It took all the courage I had and then some to look up at Adam.\u00a0 I wanted him to say it was all right, that he forgave me . . . something . . . but he just stared at me, his chest heaving like it was hard for him to breathe.\u00a0 And I\u2019d done it to him.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t say anything, either; I\u2019d already said I was sorry, but it just wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 How do you apologize for showin\u2019 your brother the face of hell . . . again?<\/p>\n

\u201cBoth of you are plumb exhausted,\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, you ain\u2019t slept good since you got back from the desert, and, Joe, I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re doin\u2019 at night\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEavesdropping,\u201d Adam muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t make no never-mind,\u201d Hoss said, throwing water on that spark before it could light any leftover kerosene.\u00a0 \u201cIt ain\u2019t sleepin\u2019, and that\u2019s what you need, so I\u2019m orderin\u2019 you to bed, the both of you, and if I hear any argument, Pa is gonna get an earful when he gets in tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nodded, glum as a turkey on Thanksgiving eve.\u00a0 Hoss makes idle threats, plenty times, but this wasn\u2019t one of \u2018em, so even if it was the middle of the day, I headed for the stairs.\u00a0 As I passed Adam\u2019s chair, I felt his hand close around my arm, but not in anger this time. \u00a0He held me just for a moment and looked up into my face, like he was studyin\u2019 me.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t meet his eyes; I just stood there, hanging my head until he let go.\u00a0 Then, without either of us sayin\u2019 a word, I went up to my room.\u00a0 Hadn\u2019t been there long before I heard Adam walk past and go into his room.\u00a0 Reckon he didn\u2019t feel up to buckin\u2019 Hoss\u2019s orders, either.<\/p>\n

Been up here awhile now, not sleepin\u2019 like Hoss ordered, but thinkin\u2019 things over. \u00a0And I\u2019ve come to a real sober conclusion: sparkin\u2019 off that kerosene didn\u2019t use up any of what I had bottled up inside; in fact, I think some of Adam\u2019s ended up sloshin\u2019 into me.\u00a0 Now it\u2019s not only the hurt I caused by leavin\u2019 Adam to face the devil alone; it\u2019s what I did today to stick the pitchfork in myself.\u00a0 If I don\u2019t find some way to pour this stuff out soon, I don\u2019t know what\u2019s gonna happen to any of us . . . but it\u2019ll be bad.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

Oh, this feels good\u2014Pa\u2019s arms around me and all the kerosene turned to water again.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s happened \u2018cause what\u2019s leaking out from under my eyelids is pure water\u2014salty, but pure.\u00a0 Why\u2019d I wait so long?\u00a0 I knew all along this was what I needed, but I guess I thought Adam ought to go first, his need bein\u2019 greater.\u00a0 Thought if he could bear his pain, I ought to be able to bear my smaller one, that I\u2019d be less a man if I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 After what happened this afternoon, though, I knew I couldn\u2019t wait any longer.\u00a0 Maybe Adam\u2019s strong enough to handle this on his own, but I\u2019m not.\u00a0 If that makes me a kid, so be it.\u00a0 I need my pa.\u00a0 I think Adam does, too, to be honest, but when I asked Pa a minute ago if he maybe oughta crack open ole Adam\u2019s armor and pour some water in, Pa just smiled at me, though his eyes were sad, and said, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t work that way, son.\u201d\u00a0 I reckon he\u2019s right\u2014he \u2018most always is.<\/p>\n

I just poured it all out, all my worries and fears and the gut-grippin\u2019 guilt that\u2019s been keepin\u2019 me sick to my stomach and sleepless at night. \u00a0Pa shared the worries and fears; we both\u2014Hoss, too\u2014are feelin\u2019 those for Adam, but talkin\u2019 about the feelings helped.\u00a0 Then Pa went to work on the guilt.\u00a0 \u201cYou did nothing wrong, Joseph,\u201d he told me.\u00a0 \u201cYou made your choice; Adam made his.\u201d\u00a0 I was still wrestling with it, and I guess Pa could see that, because then he said, \u201cYou think trouble might have been avoided if you\u2019d gone with Adam, but try asking what would have happened if he\u2019d stayed with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I figured it for the easiest question I\u2019d ever been asked.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019d have seen the trial and come home together, both safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa took my hot face in his cool, calming hands.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t know that.\u00a0 Once they knew you had money, those men might have dogged your trail wherever you went\u2014in town, in the desert, wherever.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTogether,\u201d I whispered.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019d have been together.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa brushed one of those frustrating curls back off my forehead.\u00a0 \u201cYou might have been able to fight off those men together,\u201d he said, \u201cor you might have died together.\u00a0 Or you might both have ended up trapped in the desert as he was and both endured whatever torment he experienced there.\u00a0 No way to know.\u00a0 No man can know the future, son.\u00a0 He can only make the best choice available to him at the time.\u00a0 Watch a trial or go hunting; separate or stay together.\u00a0 What\u2019s to say one was wiser than the other?\u00a0 Neither you nor Adam made a bad choice; those men did, and they paid the ultimate price.\u00a0 Now, let it go.\u201d<\/p>\n

And I did.\u00a0 I could almost feel it slippin\u2019 off me as I fell into his arms.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t even tried to stop the tears.\u00a0 I could stay here forever, it feels so good . . . except Hop Sing\u2019s callin\u2019 us to supper, and for the first time in weeks, I\u2019m hungry.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

How\u2019s this for a new scientific discovery: kerosene\u2019s heavier than water.\u00a0 Not sure the textbooks would agree, but whatta they know?\u00a0 It\u2019s gotta be true \u2018cause I\u2019m bouncin\u2019 down these stairs light as air this mornin\u2019, not draggin\u2019 heavy like when I was weighed down with all that kerosene sloshin\u2019 around inside.\u00a0 \u201cMornin\u2019, Pa . . . Hoss,\u201d I call real chirpy when I reach the first floor.\u00a0 \u201cAdam still in bed?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose,\u201d Pa says.\u00a0 \u201cI haven\u2019t checked.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProbably can use the rest,\u201d Hoss puts in.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help wincin\u2019 when he says that, \u2018cause I just might be the cause of Adam not sleepin\u2019 good last night.\u00a0 \u2018Course, he ain\u2019t been sleepin\u2019 good any other night, either, so maybe me and my shenanigans yesterday didn\u2019t have much effect, one way or another.\u00a0 After what Pa said to me last night, I ain\u2019t about to take on another load of guilt unless I\u2019ve earned it for sure and certain.<\/p>\n

\u201cWant me to look in on him?\u201d I ask just as I get to the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cNuh-uh, not you.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss is scowlin\u2019 at me, rememberin\u2019 yesterday I reckon.\u00a0 Can\u2019t blame him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be meek as a lamb,\u201d I insist.<\/p>\n

Hoss snorts at that, like he thinks it ain\u2019t possible.\u00a0 \u201cIf there\u2019s any checkin\u2019 to be done, I\u2019ll be doin\u2019 it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d I ask, turning toward him.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet Hoss,\u201d Pa says gentle-like, and then he adds with a grin, \u201cI\u2019m not sure the furniture\u2019s up to another encounter between two bottles of kerosene.\u201d\u00a0 (I told him all about how that works last night.)<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d Hoss says.\u00a0 He looks confused, but I got no time to explain all that now.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u201d I protest.\u00a0 \u201cI ain\u2019t still\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Adam is,\u201d Pa interrupts to say.\u00a0 \u201cSit down and have your breakfast, Joseph, and, Hoss, I would appreciate it if you checked on your older brother.\u00a0 If he\u2019s resting peacefully, let him sleep; if he seems to be having a nightmare, wake him gently and tell him breakfast is ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss wipes his mouth on his red-checked napkin and gets right up, on account of he\u2019s the most obedient son Pa\u2019s got.\u00a0 \u201cSure thing, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shrug and slide on into my chair and reach for the platter of bacon.\u00a0 I leave a couple of slices for Adam, just in case he\u2019s comin\u2019 right away, but Hop Sing may need to fry up some more, \u2018cause I\u2019m powerful hungry this morning.\u00a0 I\u2019m just loadin\u2019 my plate from the bowl of scrambled eggs when Hoss comes trompin\u2019 down the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cPa,\u201d he calls from the landing.\u00a0 \u201cAdam ain\u2019t up there.\u201d<\/p>\n

The bowl hits the table with a clunk, and all of a sudden the room\u2019s whirlin\u2019 around, and I feel like I\u2019m lookin\u2019 through one of them kaleidoscopes.\u00a0 A groan comes rippin\u2019 out my throat.\u00a0 \u201cNoooo.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t focus, but I hear Hoss say, \u201cI\u2019ll\u2014uh\u2014check the barn.\u201d<\/p>\n

I try to get up, but I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder and Pa says, \u201cFinish your breakfast\u201d as he moves past me to follow Hoss out.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s kidding, right?\u00a0 Adam\u2019s run off and it\u2019s my fault\u2014no counterfeit guilt this time; this time doggone deserved\u2014and Pa expects me to just sit here and eat?\u00a0 He\u2019s gotta know me better than that.\u00a0 I snatch up a piece of bacon and take a bite, so\u2019s I can say I ate, and jolt to my feet.\u00a0 I hold on to the chair \u2018til the world quits spinnin\u2019 and then I take off toward the barn, too.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Pa are coming out as I cross the yard.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s gone, ain\u2019t he?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

Pa sighs deep and heavy.\u00a0 \u201cIt appears so.\u00a0 Sport is missing.\u201d<\/p>\n

I slam my fist against my thigh.\u00a0 \u201cI knew it!\u00a0 I just knew it!\u00a0 And it\u2019s all my\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joseph,\u201d Pa says real sharp.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa,\u201d I snap back.\u00a0 \u201cThis time it is my fault; you know it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

I see Pa suck in a long breath.\u00a0 For a minute I think he\u2019s gonna pound me for raisin\u2019 my voice, which ain\u2019t respectful like I been taught, but then he blows out the air just as slow and admits I\u2019m right.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure your brother\u2019s departure does have something to do with that confrontation the two of you had yesterday, son, but he\u2019s a grown man, responsible for his own choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Pa,\u201d Hoss argues, \u201cAdam ain\u2019t in no fit shape to take off on his own.\u201d \u00a0I nod my hearty agreement.<\/p>\n

Pa squares his shoulders.\u00a0 \u201cWhich is why I\u2019ll be going after him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Pa, not you\u2014me,\u201d I protest.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you see?\u00a0 It\u2019s gotta be me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see it!\u201d Hoss snorts.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s my brother, too, and I\u2019m a sight less likely to set him off than you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s gotta be me,\u201d I repeat, ignoring Hoss and locking eyes with Pa.\u00a0 \u201cYou know it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d Hoss demands.<\/p>\n

Eyes still fixed on mine, Pa puts up a hand to silence him.\u00a0 \u201cBecause that\u2019s the conflict that has to be resolved,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cIs that what you mean, Joseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t have put it like that, of course, but Pa\u2019s got a way of sayin\u2019 just what I mean when I can\u2019t get the right words out myself.\u00a0 \u201cYes, sir,\u201d I say.\u00a0 \u201cHe won\u2019t come back \u2018less\u2019n that\u2019s fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa sighs.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m afraid so,\u201d he admits.\u00a0 Again he squares his shoulders, which he tends to do when he\u2019s facin\u2019 somethin\u2019 he don\u2019t much like.\u00a0 It\u2019s his way of makin\u2019 courage rise up inside him.\u00a0 \u201cAll right, Joseph.\u00a0 You can leave as soon as you finish your breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlready did,\u201d I say, movin\u2019 fast toward the barn.<\/p>\n

Pa grabs my arm and hauls me up short.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m wise to your tricks, young man.\u00a0 Now, Hoss will saddle your horse, and Hop Sing will make you up a trail pack, all of which will give you ample time to clean your plate.\u201d\u00a0 He spins me around and plants an encouragin\u2019 swat on my backside.\u00a0 \u201cNow, git!\u201d<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

Though it\u2019s hard to force the food past the knot in my throat, I gobble down my breakfast like a good little boy, \u2018cause arguing with Pa will only slow me down more.<\/p>\n

Soon as I buckle on my gun belt, Pa pulls me into his arms for a good-bye hug.\u00a0 \u201cBe careful,\u201d he whispers.<\/p>\n

I can hear the worry in his voice.\u00a0 \u201cI will, Pa,\u201d I tell him, \u201cand I\u2019ll bring your other boy home safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa nods.\u00a0 I\u2019m almost out the door when he calls, \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m sure he\u2019s gonna tell me again to be careful, but he surprises me.<\/p>\n

\u201cStay well-watered,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

I grin back at him.\u00a0 \u201cDownright drenched,\u201d I promise.<\/p>\n

Hoss is kicking at the upright post of the hitching rail, where Cochise is tied, when I come out.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t like this one bit,\u201d he says straight off.\u00a0 \u201cI think I oughta ride along with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Hoss,\u201d I say, keepin\u2019 my voice real calm and soothing.\u00a0 I need the practice for when I meet up with Adam, and I might as well get it with someone who\u2019s a lot easier to soothe in the first place.\u00a0 \u201cI appreciate the offer, honest I do, but this is between me and Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSeems to me you needed someone between you and Adam back in Salt Flats,\u201d Hoss grunts.\u00a0 I can hear the shaking in his voice when he goes on.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m plumb scared, Joe, of what might happen if Adam comes at you again and I ain\u2019t there to stop him.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019d be lyin\u2019 if I said that hadn\u2019t crossed my mind, but I don\u2019t want him frettin\u2019.\u00a0 \u201cAdam wouldn\u2019t hurt me, Hoss.\u201d\u00a0 I sound convincing, at least to my own ears, but Hoss don\u2019t look any easier.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe wouldn\u2019t hurt you a-purpose,\u201d he says real sober-like, \u201cbut Adam ain\u2019t himself, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that, but more so than he was back then.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss is still frowning, so I crack a joke to lighten him up.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, I ain\u2019t gonna get that close,\u201d I say with a big grin as I swing into the saddle.\u00a0 \u201cI learn my lessons well, big brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss snorts like a horse blowin\u2019 hard.\u00a0 \u201cTell that one to Miss Abigail.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a perfect opening and I grab it.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll save that job for Adam, when he gets back.\u201d\u00a0 Rememberin\u2019 the troubles he\u2019s had with Miss Abigail, we share a chuckle at older brother\u2019s expense.\u00a0 I lean over to lay a hand on Hoss\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cEverything\u2019s gonna be all right,\u201d I say with as much confidence as I can muster.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t fret, and try to keep Pa from it, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll try.\u201d\u00a0 He taps my knee a couple of times, his way of sayin\u2019 he\u2019s turnin\u2019 me loose.\u00a0 I ease Cochise back, turn him around and tap his flanks with my heels.\u00a0 I don\u2019t look back, but I can feel Hoss still standin\u2019 there, watchin\u2019 and worryin\u2019 as I ride out.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

Sun\u2019s goin\u2019 down behind me, splashin\u2019 the desert rocks with fiery color.\u00a0 I got no time to dwell on the sight, grand as it is.\u00a0 I been on the trail three days now, and I\u2019m bone tired, but unless I miss my guess, that\u2019s older brother\u2019s campfire up ahead, so I got to press on.\u00a0 Might be smarter to make camp by myself and wait \u2018til mornin\u2019 to face Adam, but I\u2019m tired, his fire\u2019s already lit, and there\u2019s this real fragrant aroma of sizzlin\u2019 meat floatin\u2019 toward me.\u00a0 Since I ain\u2019t ate nothin\u2019 but jerky the last two days, my belly\u2019s urgin\u2019 me to ride on in and see if older brother can\u2019t be persuaded to share his meal.\u00a0 Hope there\u2019s enough, but I sort of doubt Adam was expectin\u2019 company.<\/p>\n

When I start to get close, I dismount and lead Cochise, both of us walkin\u2019 soft.\u00a0 I figure I might better scout the situation first, see if Adam\u2019s . . . well, himself.\u00a0 I creep up real cautious, my hand holding Cooch\u2019s muzzle.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s made camp inside a ring of boulders, so I can get real close without bein\u2019 seen.\u00a0 My mouth starts droolin\u2019 at sight of the big jackrabbit staked over the fire, but my feet won\u2019t move.\u00a0 Much as I\u2019ve thought about what to say to Adam, once I find him, all of a sudden I\u2019m scared\u2014not of my brother, but of sayin\u2019 things wrong, so\u2019s I push him further away, instead of\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cYou might as well come on in; I know you\u2019re there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Might\u2019ve knowed I couldn\u2019t sneak up on Adam!\u00a0 No time to pick and choose my words now.\u00a0 I just paste a big, sloppy grin on my face and step into the firelight.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Adam,\u201d I call out real cheery.<\/p>\n

He groans, long and exasperated.\u00a0 \u201cYou?\u00a0 I figured someone was following me, but I never thought it\u2019d be you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I step a little closer, still keepin\u2019 the fire between us, and I grin even wider, hopin\u2019 it covers my nerves, which have got all shaky in the last couple of seconds.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, older brother?\u00a0 Ain\u2019t you glad to see me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot particularly.\u201d \u00a0Adam leans back against the boulder behind him, legs stretched out in front and arms folded over his chest.<\/p>\n

It ain\u2019t the most promisin\u2019 beginnin\u2019 I ever been party to, and I can feel my face wincin\u2019.\u00a0 \u201cGuess you\u2019d rather it was anyone but me, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam gives me one of them short, hard laughs that ain\u2019t got a lick of humor to it.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d rather it were none of you; I came out here to be alone, but I suppose that\u2019s too much to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoggone right!\u00a0 You ain\u2019t fit to be on your own yet, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll manage,\u201d he grunts.\u00a0 He edges toward the fire and lifts the stick holdin\u2019 the rabbit off the forked uprights.\u00a0 He tears off a hind leg and settles back to gnaw on it.<\/p>\n

Watchin\u2019 him lick the grease off his fingers makes my stomach give a hearty rumble.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2014uh\u2014you gonna eat that whole fat rabbit all by yourself?\u201d I ask.\u00a0 There\u2019s a hint if ever I heard one!<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, wonderful,\u201d Adam snorts.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not fit to be on my own, so Pa sends someone to look after me who can\u2019t even provide his own supper.\u201d<\/p>\n

That hurts, and I reckon it shows in the way I answer back.\u00a0 \u201cPa didn\u2019t send me; I sent myself.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t take time to hunt if I wanted to catch up with you, but never mind, older brother.\u00a0 I can provide my own supper.\u00a0 I got jerky in my saddlebags.\u201d\u00a0 I start to stalk off toward where I\u2019d ground-tied Cochise.<\/p>\n

My brother\u2019s voice stops me.\u00a0 \u201cOh, help yourself.\u00a0 I can\u2019t possibly eat all this.\u201d\u00a0 He holds the skewered rabbit out to me.<\/p>\n

I tear off some meat and squat down on the opposite side of the fire from Adam.\u00a0 First things first, I focus on fillin\u2019 my belly, hopin\u2019 it\u2019ll quit jumpin\u2019 around once I do.\u00a0 \u201cMeat\u2019s good,\u201d I offer sociably.\u00a0 Butterin\u2019 up big brother seems like a good place to start.\u00a0 He\u2019s always been powerful fond of that.<\/p>\n

Adam tears himself off some more meat and hands the rabbit over to me, as if to say I can have the rest.\u00a0 What he actually says out loud is, \u201cPa know you\u2019re here or will he and Hoss be followin\u2019 along after you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Doggone!\u00a0 Why do both my big brothers have to treat me like I\u2019m five years old?\u00a0 Pa, at least, has more confidence in me than that.\u00a0 \u201cHe knows; of course, he knows.\u201d\u00a0 I start to say he sent me, but I already said he didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Besides, that\u2019s stretchin\u2019 the truth a mite.\u00a0 I fill my mouth with more rabbit.\u00a0 Helps cover me not knowin\u2019 what to say next.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t give me much reprieve, though.\u00a0 I no more than swallow the final bite when older brother, who\u2019s propped back up against that boulder, says, \u201cAll right, Joe, let\u2019s hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHear\u00a0 it?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m stallin\u2019 for time, of course.<\/p>\n

I see his eyes roll in the firelight.\u00a0 \u201cThe speech you rode after me to give.\u00a0 You do have it planned out, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 I trust you\u2019re not going to subject me to more nonsense like your being sent to bed earlier than me all those years not setting well if I\u2019m leaving home now.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shake my head in disgust.\u00a0 \u201cThat was two years ago, Adam!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you ever give me credit for growin\u2019 up?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stretches his long legs out and taps his steepled fingers together above his belt buckle.\u00a0 \u201cI have significant doubts.\u00a0 Prove me wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

Believe it or not, this actually makes me feel better, \u2018cause this is the Adam I\u2019m used to\u2014always quick with a come-back, no matter what I say, always challengin\u2019 me to come up to his level.\u00a0 This time I\u2019m sure I can do it, \u2018cause I know exactly what my big brother needs to hear.\u00a0 I launch into a full-blown explanation of my insights into the workings of kerosene inside a body and the effect of water on it.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think a professor of science could have explained things any better, I decide as I finish up and sit back to savor how impressed ole Plato\u2019s gonna be.<\/p>\n

Adam throws the picked bones of his share of the rabbit onto the fire.\u00a0 \u201cThat is the most convoluted barrel of balderdash I have ever heard,\u201d he says as his head wags slowly back and forth.\u00a0 Then he drags his hand down his stubbly cheek.\u00a0 \u201cBut what I find most disconcerting is how easily I managed to follow that line of reasoning.\u201d<\/p>\n

I get rid of my bones the same way and stand up, wiping my greasy hands down the sides of my pants.\u00a0 Even if I ain\u2019t sure what convoluted means, older brother\u2019s smart remarks are beginning to irk me, but I remember my promise to Pa to stay well watered, and that keeps me from snappin\u2019 back the way I usually would.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I can tell you need to think about it some more,\u201d I say, voice drippin\u2019 with pity for my poor befuddled brother, \u201cso I\u2019m gonna settle Cochise for the night while you do that.\u00a0 Then we can talk some more.\u201d\u00a0 I start toward my horse, but stop and ask over my shoulder, \u201cI am invited to stay the night, ain\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n

For the first time in I can\u2019t remember how long, I hear my brother laugh.\u00a0 It ain\u2019t a belly-shakin\u2019 laugh, but it sounds real and honest.\u00a0 \u201cMy rocks are your rocks,\u201d he says in imitation of the old Spanish mi casa, su casa<\/em> hospitality.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help grinnin\u2019 back at him.\u00a0 It all seems so natural that if I didn\u2019t know better, I\u2019d think Adam\u2019s problems were all solved.\u00a0 But I know they ain\u2019t; in my heart I know he\u2019s still brimful of kerosene; he\u2019s just hidin\u2019 it better.<\/p>\n

I dawdle over tendin\u2019 to Cooch, to give Adam time to think, but mostly to give myself a chance to fill back up with water.\u00a0 A tussle with older brother sure can drain the water out of a man.\u00a0 Guess I understand now how he must\u2019ve felt all those times he tried to pour his college learnin\u2019 into me and Hoss and we just couldn\u2019t soak it up.\u00a0 Well, Cooch is about as content as a horse can be, and I\u2019m about as drenched as I\u2019m gonna get, so it\u2019s time to go back into camp and try again.\u00a0 I square my shoulders\u2014building up my courage like Pa does\u2014push my hands into my pockets and saunter in, whistlin\u2019 a lively tune to put Adam in a cheery mood.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat took long enough,\u201d Adam says to greet me.\u00a0 Bound and determined to pour his kerosene into me, but I\u2019m wise to that trick.<\/p>\n

\u201cHope you used the time to good purpose.\u201d\u00a0 I toss back at him words I\u2019ve had thrown in my face a few times.\u00a0 \u201cYou understand now about the kerosene or do I need to go over it again?\u201d<\/p>\n

For a minute I think my brother\u2019s gonna puke.\u00a0 Then he arches an eyebrow at me and says, \u201cWell, let\u2019s see if I\u2019ve got it straight: you feel that I\u2019ve been incubating volatile emotions, which will inevitably give birth to catastrophic conflagration.\u00a0 Is that about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, why\u2019s he gotta do that?\u00a0 Take somethin\u2019 simple and hide it under all that college-learned jargon.\u00a0 Oh, wait, that\u2019s it, ain\u2019t it?\u00a0 He\u2019s hidin\u2019 behind all that learnin\u2019 so he don\u2019t have to deal with the simple truth.\u00a0 \u201cWon\u2019t work, Adam,\u201d I say, waggin\u2019 my finger at him like he\u2019s a naughty little boy.\u00a0 I grin, \u2018cause bein\u2019 on the other side of that, for a change, feels real good.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re keepin\u2019 this simple, so\u2019s you can\u2019t squirm away from it.\u00a0 Now, what happened to you out there in the desert has got you full, top to toe, of kerosene, and it is volatile enough\u2014see? I know big words, too, older brother\u2014to burn down the ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do think I left?\u201d Adam croaks out.<\/p>\n

That tears at my heart, and before I know it I\u2019m at his side, ignorin\u2019 what I promised Pa and Hoss about keepin\u2019 my distance.\u00a0 How can I when my brother needs me?\u00a0 How could any of us?\u00a0 \u201cYou left \u2018cause of me,\u201d I say, reachin\u2019 out to stroke his arm.\u00a0 \u201cI pushed you too hard . . . and . . . and I\u2019m sorry, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t bear you knowing my shame,\u201d he says, head hanging.\u00a0 \u201cHard enough facing what I\u2019d done without you and Pa and Hoss knowing.\u201d\u00a0 His head comes up sharp.\u00a0 \u201cDid you tell them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell them what?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you know . . . about me . . . and Kane.\u201d\u00a0 His voice is barely a whisper.<\/p>\n

My turn to hang my head.\u00a0 \u201cOh, Adam,\u201d I moan.\u00a0 I have to make myself look up, face him man-to-man.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know anything.\u00a0 That was just kerosene talkin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam grabs me by the shoulders, grip as strong as the one he had on my throat back in Salt Flats.\u00a0 \u201cForget the kerosene!\u00a0 What do you mean, you don\u2019t know anything?\u00a0 You said\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLies, all lies.\u201d\u00a0 It shames me to admit it, but the time\u2019s come for truth.\u00a0 \u201cI was just mad, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

He drops back, starin\u2019 at me in disbelief and bewilderment.\u00a0 \u201cBecause I wouldn\u2019t play checkers with you?\u201d he finally asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 Doggone it, Adam, I ain\u2019t a little kid.\u201d\u00a0 He just keeps starin\u2019 at me.\u00a0 I take a deep breath and try to explain.\u00a0 \u201cI was mad \u2018cause you wouldn\u2019t let me help you.\u00a0 You went through hell out in that desert.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ask me how I know that, \u2018cause I don\u2019t know myself, but I do know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou said I talked in my sleep.\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s eyein\u2019 me wary-like now.\u00a0 \u201cThat a lie, too?\u201d<\/p>\n

I shake my head.\u00a0 \u201cYou talk,\u201d I admit, \u201cbut all you ever say is \u2018No gold, no games\u2019\u2014nothin\u2019 that makes sense.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam blows out air, slow and thoughtful.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you think that if I explain it all to you, somehow that\u2019ll draw out all my . . . kerosene, for lack of a better word . . . and then\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot me,\u201d I say real quick, cuttin\u2019 him off.\u00a0 \u201cPa.\u00a0 He\u2019s the one with the miracle touch to turn kerosene to water\u2014not meanin\u2019 anything sacrilegious.\u00a0 I mean, I want to know; of course, I do, \u2018cause I know it\u2019s all my fault and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhoa, whoa,\u201d Adam orders, grabbin\u2019 me by one shoulder this time.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean it\u2019s all your fault?\u00a0 You had nothing to do with . . . with. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou see what I mean?\u201d\u00a0 I can feel tears springin\u2019 to my eyes and I blink \u2018em back fast.\u00a0 This ain\u2019t the time for that kind of water.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened out there in the desert\u2014what that devil Kane did to you\u2014it\u2019s so bad you can\u2019t even say it, and I\u2019m the reason you were out there alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam draws back and grasps his own chin, his eyes borin\u2019 into mine as he studies me.\u00a0 I make myself sit still under it, even though I want to run.\u00a0 \u201cBecause you didn\u2019t come with me,\u201d he finally says, measurin\u2019 each word like understandin\u2019 is comin\u2019 to him, slow as water drippin\u2019 from a rusty pump.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, that\u2019s . . . nonsense.\u00a0 You aren\u2019t responsible for those men stranding me in the desert . . . or for what Kane did afterwards.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d I say.\u00a0 \u201cI talked to Pa the night you and me had that fracas, and he said the same.\u00a0 Pa\u2019s words\u2014they\u2019re water for a burnin\u2019 soul, Adam.\u00a0 That\u2019s why you got to come home and let him do for you what he done for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam leans back against a boulder and stares up at the stars.\u00a0 \u201cI wish he could,\u201d he murmurs, real wistful, \u201cbut it\u2019s not the same, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is!\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks over at me.\u00a0 \u201cNo, Joe, it\u2019s not.\u00a0 You were carrying guilt not rightly yours, but I deserve the guilt of my soul . . . and I deserve to bear its torment alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not followin\u2019 everything he says, but one thing stands out clear, and that I can speak to.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t get to bear torment alone,\u201d I say, firm as I\u2019ve ever said anything to my big brother, \u201cnot in this family.\u00a0 No Cartwright ever bears torment alone.\u00a0 What hurts you hurts me, and what hurts me hurts Hoss, and what hurts any of us half kills Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh!\u201d Adam says, puttin\u2019 on his professor face and raisin\u2019 his voice like he was talkin\u2019 to a whole roomful of folks, instead of just me.\u00a0 \u201cAs Donne said, \u2018No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Groanin\u2019, I rub my achin\u2019 head.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a fancy way of sayin\u2019 what I done said, all right, but after all your lectures about my grammar, you oughta watch your own better than that, Adam\u2014and quit rollin\u2019 your eyes!\u201d<\/p>\n

Holding his belly, Adam starts to laugh.\u00a0 \u201cYou are priceless, boy.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s makin\u2019 me mad, so I picture myself standin\u2019 under Niagara Falls.\u00a0 (From what I hear of the place, it might have water enough to douse the kerosene risin\u2019 in me!)\u00a0 When I feel good and soaked, I let myself answer him: \u201cSay it any way you want, just so\u2019s you understand this one thing, loud and clear: whatever your torment is, Adam, you ain\u2019t gonna bear it alone; you just plain ain\u2019t got the luxury.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLuxury!\u201d\u00a0 He glares at me like I\u2019ve said somethin\u2019 so outrageous I oughta have my head tore off; then, slowly, one corner of his mouth creeps up in one of those half-smiles of his.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, kid, every once in a while\u2014when I\u2019ve waded through the balderdash\u2014you manage to come up with something rather insightful.\u00a0 There is a certain luxury in keeping one\u2019s torment to oneself . . . and I have been indulging in that luxury.\u201d<\/p>\n

I sit forward, eager.\u00a0 \u201cThen you\u2019ll come home, talk to Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

A shiver runs all over Adam\u2019s body.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not sure I can,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s worse than you think, Joe: it\u2019s not what Kane did to me; it\u2019s what I did to Kane.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019d you do to him?\u201d\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t have asked; I know that the minute the words are out, but that\u2019s me: talk now, think later.<\/p>\n

I expect Adam to say it\u2019s none of my business, but he just sits there for a minute.\u00a0 Then he asks, \u201cRemember what I said in the bath house back in East Gate?\u201d\u00a0 He can see I don\u2019t, I guess, \u2018cause he tells me, \u201cI said no one could drive me to murder.\u201d<\/p>\n

It comes back then, the bad joke and the shove under the water.\u00a0 I give him a sour smile.\u00a0 \u201cExcept me.\u00a0 Yeah, I remember.\u00a0 What\u2019s that got to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was wrong.\u201d\u00a0 There\u2019s a world of pain in those three words.\u00a0 I know because he can\u2019t even face me while he says \u2018em.\u00a0 He shakes his head, looking disgusted with himself.\u00a0 \u201cHubris, the fatal flaw of Greek tragedy, and I find I\u2019m prey to it, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

I reach over to grip his arm.\u00a0 \u201cTalk sense, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n

He gives me a sad, bitter smile.\u00a0 \u201cPride, Joe. \u00a0I thought I was better, stronger, more civilized than other men.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve always known that about my big brother.<\/p>\n

He gives me a sharp look and bites out, \u201cNo hero worship, Joe; I\u2019m not worthy of it.\u201d\u00a0 He says it again, plain, eyes begging me to understand.\u00a0 \u201cI thought no man could drive me to murder. \u00a0I . . . was . . . wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

Something grabs the pit of my stomach and twists\u2014hard.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you sayin\u2019, Adam?\u201d\u00a0 It sounds like he\u2019s confessing to murder, and that just can\u2019t be.\u00a0 Maybe he ain\u2019t made of iron, like I always thought, but he ain\u2019t common clay, either.\u00a0 \u201cWas\u2014was there someone else in camp with you and Kane?\u201d I ask, tryin\u2019 to sort things out.<\/p>\n

He leans his head back against the boulder, starin\u2019 up at the stars.\u00a0 \u201cJust a mule.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sortin\u2019 this out just may be beyond me.\u00a0 Sure wish Pa was here.\u00a0 Or Hoss, at least.\u00a0 Sometimes he can see into the heart of a thing \u2018most as good as Pa.\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s my fault they ain\u2019t here, so I got to take hold and get the job done, somehow.\u00a0 I tap my brother\u2019s arm again, to get his attention.\u00a0 \u201cDid you kill the mule?\u00a0 Is that the murder you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughs\u2014short, sharp, sputtering.\u00a0 \u201cNo, Kane killed her.\u201d<\/p>\n

I roll my eyes.\u00a0 Sortin\u2019 this out is definitely beyond me.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, you gotta help me here, \u2018cause, honest to goodness, you made more sense when you were spoutin\u2019 about volatile emotions and islands and fatal flaws.\u00a0 If you and Kane and the mule was the only ones in that camp, and Kane killed the mule, then there ain\u2019t anyone left for you to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKane!\u201d he shouts.\u00a0 He grasps my head between his hands and yells it in my face.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t let hero worship blind you to the obvious, boy!\u00a0 It was Kane I murdered!\u201d<\/p>\n

His hands rest light on my jawbone, but right now we\u2019re a heap closer than Hoss or Pa or especially me is comfortable with.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, let me go,\u201d I say, keepin\u2019 my voice soft and gentle so I won\u2019t spook him.<\/p>\n

He jerks his hands back like my skin burns him.\u00a0 \u201cI wouldn\u2019t hurt you,\u201d he whispers.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, I know,\u201d I assure him, even though I ain\u2019t as certain as I sound.\u00a0 \u201cI just think we can talk better from\u2014from a mite further apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughs hoarsely.\u00a0 \u201cFar enough now or shall I move across camp?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere you are\u2019s just fine.\u201d\u00a0 I give him a pat on the shoulder, to show him I ain\u2019t scared.\u00a0 \u201cNow, help me understand this, Adam.\u00a0 You say you murdered Kane?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 He bites the word out, but there\u2019s relief in his voice, too, which tells me that this secret was the kerosene he\u2019s been keepin\u2019 bottled up.\u00a0 I knew it had to be somethin\u2019 awful, but murder?\u00a0 Yeah, that\u2019s awful enough to bring torment to a man like Adam.<\/p>\n

Something still don\u2019t make sense to me, though.\u00a0 \u201cYou killed him\u2014and then you built a travois so you could drag his body out of the desert?\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t you just bury him?\u201d<\/p>\n

He exhales in one long, loud gust.\u00a0 \u201cHe wasn\u2019t dead, then.\u201d<\/p>\n

I scratch the side of my head, confused again.\u00a0 \u201cYou killed him after you put him on the travois?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 Are you completely obtuse, boy?\u201d\u00a0 He jumps up and strides across camp.<\/p>\n

\u201cQuit hidin\u2019 behind those big words!\u201d I holler, bouncing up to follow him.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s talk plain common sense.\u00a0 Look, Adam, if he wasn\u2019t dead when you put him on the travois and you didn\u2019t kill him afterwards, then how could you have murdered him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike this!\u201d\u00a0 Adam spins and, just like back in Salt Flats, his hands are around my throat.\u00a0 No, not like then.\u00a0 This time he don\u2019t tighten his grip.\u00a0 \u201cI choked him,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cI put my hands around his throat and tried to choke the life out of him, like I did you that night, but he kept taunting me, telling me to kill him, telling me he\u2019d won.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, wait, wait,\u201d I say, taking a step back.\u00a0 \u201cIf he was talkin\u2019 to you, brother, it wasn\u2019t like that night in Salt Flats, \u2018cause I sure couldn\u2019t do any talkin\u2019 then.\u00a0 If he could, then you didn\u2019t have a killer grip on him.\u201d<\/p>\n

His hands, which had hung in the air when I stepped out of them, slowly dropped., and he stared at them while he stammered out, \u201cI had my hands around his throat; I was . . . choking him . . . and he said he\u2019d won . . . and I couldn\u2019t let him win . . . couldn\u2019t let him turn me into him . . . and I . . . let go.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suddenly, it\u2019s like I\u2019m there in that camp with Adam and Kane, watchin\u2019 it happen.\u00a0 \u201cYou wanted to kill him, and I reckon you had reason, but when it came down to it, you couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looks up at me.\u00a0 \u201cNo,\u201d he says, sounding surprised.\u00a0 \u201cI wanted to\u2014oh, how I wanted to!\u2014but I couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not a murderer, Adam,\u201d I tell him.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re human enough to want to kill someone who\u2019s hurt you, like I reckon Kane must\u2019ve done, but you didn\u2019t give in to that.\u00a0 And you didn\u2019t because you are better, stronger, more civilized than them that give in easy to the urge to kill.\u201d\u00a0 Pa or Hoss might not approve, but I can\u2019t stop myself.\u00a0 It just seems like the most natural thing in the world to move closer and wrap my arms around my big brother.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t break down, like when we found him in the desert, but he holds onto me tight and I can almost feel the kerosene leakin\u2019 out.<\/p>\n

When we finally break apart, I say, \u00a0\u201cLook, Adam, I know I ain\u2019t got the real fire-dousin\u2019 power like Pa, but maybe I got water enough to get you through the night if . . . if it would help to talk about what Kane did to you.\u201d\u00a0 I feel like I got to make the offer, even though I got \u201csignificant doubts,\u201d like Adam might say, that I can quench the fires of the hell he went through.<\/p>\n

Adam cups my chin in his hand and smiles, the first real one I\u2019ve seen since we split in East Gate.\u00a0 \u201cI think I\u2019ll wait for Pa,\u201d he says.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like to keep my little brother innocent just a bit longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cInnocent!\u201d I protest, even though what I\u2019m really feelin\u2019 is relief.\u00a0 \u201cOlder brother, when you gonna realize I ain\u2019t still a kid in need of protection.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you don\u2019t,\u201d he chuckles.\u00a0 He pats my cheek and then throws an arm around my shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe I can tell you someday, Joe, but Pa first, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore than okay, brother.\u00a0 More than okay.\u201d\u00a0 Arm in arm, we walk back to where we were, and we spread our bedrolls side by side . . . close, the way brothers should be.<\/p>\n

* * * * *<\/p>\n

We both slept real sound last night, but Adam\u2019s been quiet ever since we woke, all through breakfast and breakin\u2019 camp.\u00a0 Oh, he answers me if I talk to him, but doesn\u2019t say much else.\u00a0 He\u2019s probably mulling over what he\u2019s gonna say to Pa, and I\u2019d probably be doin\u2019 the same, in his place.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t be no one to pull me out of it, either, with just old sober-sides around.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s luckier, though; he\u2019s got me, and I got this natural talent for perkin\u2019 folks up.\u00a0 I know exactly what\u2019ll work in this case, and if he thought my kerosene talk was the biggest barrel of balderdash he ever heard, wait\u2019ll he gets an earful of this!\u00a0 \u201cHey, Adam,\u201d I call as we swing onto our mounts, \u201cYou know what you been like here of late?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBottled kerosene, I believe the analogy was,\u201d Adam says, throwin\u2019 that arched eyebrow my direction again.<\/p>\n

I wave that aside.\u00a0 \u201cNo, no, I got an even better a-analogy for you.\u00a0 See, there\u2019s this fellow who\u2019s all duded up for a fancy dress ball, swallow-tail coat and all, but he\u2019s got these starvin\u2019 ants nibblin\u2019 around inside his. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

The End<\/p>\n

A Brother’s Torment Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Water for a Burning Soul<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a9 October, 2007<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/path><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0Adam isn’t talking about whatever happened to him in the desert, but a concerned younger brother has developed some unique theories to explain it. \u00a0According to Little Joe, who tells the aftermath of “The Crucible” from his perspective, it’s all a matter of kerosene and water.<\/p>\n

Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a014,000<\/p>\n

A Brother’s Torment Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/path><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":48,"featured_media":2797,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,13],"tags":[14,16],"class_list":["post-3573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-whn","tag-adam-cartwright","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-13-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":5119,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Joe.png?fit=682%2C453&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3575,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3575","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":0},"title":"Water for A Burning Soul (by Puchi Ann)","author":"Puchi Ann","date":"January 26, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Returning home with Little Joe, Adam Cartwright seeks his father's help in dealing with the aftermath of his \"Crucible\" experience in the desert with Kane. Rated: K+ \u00a0WC \u00a05000 A Brother's Torment Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/normal_The_Crucible_47.jpg?fit=400%2C298&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":14290,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=14290","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":1},"title":"Standing Watch (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 10, 2001","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0He only wanted to protect himself and his family. Rating: \u00a0G \u00a0 \u00a0(2,170 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/derringer.jpg?fit=500%2C500&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5452,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=5452","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":2},"title":"Darkness (by deansgirl)","author":"deansgirl","date":"May 1, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0The darkness can be either a friend or an enemy.\u00a0 But when a man loses something very dear to him he discovers how deadly the darkness can become \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+ (10,975 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Friendship-4.jpg?fit=500%2C373&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":7668,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7668","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":3},"title":"Stampede (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0A cattle drive, a stampede, and one guilty Cartwright make for a simple little tale. \u00a0 Rated:\u00a0K+\u00a0 Word count:\u00a0 1211","rel":"","context":"In "Action\/Adventure"","block_context":{"text":"Action\/Adventure","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/cattle-drive.jpg?fit=357%2C267&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":15348,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=15348","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":4},"title":"Joe Cartwright – Magician! (by Questfan)","author":"Questfan","date":"October 26, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"SUMMARY: A Bonanza story celebrating that fun side of Michael in his role as Joe Cartwright. Make it scary, funny, or dramatic . . . or all three! Rating: K Word Count: 660","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/1C673A90-35E7-41AC-8BB3-F8707550AF36.jpeg?fit=700%2C525&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/1C673A90-35E7-41AC-8BB3-F8707550AF36.jpeg?fit=700%2C525&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/1C673A90-35E7-41AC-8BB3-F8707550AF36.jpeg?fit=700%2C525&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/05\/1C673A90-35E7-41AC-8BB3-F8707550AF36.jpeg?fit=700%2C525&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13848,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=13848","url_meta":{"origin":3573,"position":5},"title":"Thunder’s Echo (by HelenB)","author":"HelenB","date":"January 27, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 A WHN for the episdoe, The Thunderman. Rating:\u00a0 T\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (15,425 words)","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Lake-Tahoe-Sunset-Blue.jpg?fit=300%2C600&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3573","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/48"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3573"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3573\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3573"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3573"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3573"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}