Summary: After having a fall out with his friend Mitch, Joe has trouble finding a way to make things right. WHN to the episode \u201cBetween Heaven and Earth\u201d.<\/p>\n
Rating:\u00a0K+
\nWord Count:\u00a02281<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Something to Prove<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cUm… Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n Adam looked up from his book to see his youngest brother leaning against the door frame. He\u00a0focused on rearranging his features into a neutral expression instead of the guilty one he was sure had flickered there for a second. Not that he should feel guilty, especially in front of his younger brother. Still he felt like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. There was after all a lot of work to be done and he had only meant to glance at his new book for a couple of minutes, and here he was still reading, a couple of chapters into the book. Who knew how much time had passed. He certainly didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Little Joe didn\u2019t look that confident either where he stood. He tried to look casual and relaxed, but his posture looked staged and his expression said that he had probably been thinking hard about his next question, instead of dropping into his brother\u2019s room almost by accident like he wanted it to look.<\/p>\n \u201cUm…\u201d Joe started again and Adam raised one eyebrow in question.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Little Joe?\u201d he asked and noted Joe didn\u2019t appreciate the epithet \u2018little\u2019 this time. Mostly he didn\u2019t mind, but if he was already feeling small, he didn\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d Joe continued and walked into the room, making to close the door behind him, but didn\u2019t push it properly and the door was left slowly swinging closed, but then stopping with a still sizable gap remaining.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re about to, so go ahead.\u201d Adam reached for a card to mark his place in the book and put the book down beside him on the bed to fully focus on his brother.<\/p>\n \u201cHow do you apologise to someone?\u201d The question was asked quickly and with a frown as if he\u2019d been holding back a lot of questions and this was all he managed in the end.<\/p>\n Adam looked at Joe quizzically and raised his eyebrow. Suddenly his brother seemed ten again.\u00a0Sometimes he wondered if there was something special about their twelve-year age difference. Was that exactly the age gap that would make a person the target of the strangest questions or that turned the simplest questions into the most complex? He sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, you\u2019re not a kid. Surely you know how to say sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe frowned, obviously a little annoyed with both of them, but also determined to discuss what he had in mind.<\/p>\n \u201cI mean in specific situations. When you\u2019ve hurt someone and they might not accept you just saying sorry. How would you make someone understand that you really didn\u2019t mean to do it in the first place, or wouldn\u2019t do that normally?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIn a situation where you might have been snapping rudely at everyone for a week or so and now you regret it?\u201d Adam asked, raising his eyebrows. \u00a0Focusing on his brother\u2019s eyes, Adam tried to see if Joe was talking about his recent bad moods, when he had been difficult for anyone to be around. Was there more of a story there than what he knew?<\/p>\n \u201cMm hmm,\u201c Joe shrugged, looking a bit embarrassed. \u201cWell, sort of. And not quite that either,\u201d came the slow reply.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, can\u2019t you just speak plainly?\u201d This was getting frustrating. \u201cI\u2019m sure you\u2019re not talking about some hypothetical situation here. Who do you want to apologise to and for what? And why is it more difficult than usual?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI mean, yes, I will apologise to Hoss too, but that\u2019s not it.\u201d Joe was tapping the sideboard repeatedly with his heel in small kicks now, as he leaned against it.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I\u2019m also sorry,\u201d he continued at last quietly, but stopped there.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean you\u2019re also<\/i><\/em>\u00a0sorry?\u201d Were they going in circles here? \u201cThis whole conversation is about you being sorry, isn\u2019t it? And can you stop that kicking?\u201d he snapped.<\/p>\n \u201cI mean, I\u2019m telling you I\u2019m sorry.\u201d Joe looked up to meet Adam\u2019s gaze as he stopped the tapping. \u201cI guess I\u2019ve been a grouch.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam gave him a wry smile. \u201cApology accepted, little brother. But as far as I have heard, I got the least of it, being elsewhere for most of your moods. You\u2019ve talked to Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I\u2019ve talked to Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n There was nothing to add to that. Adam hadn\u2019t expected that Pa was Joe\u2019s problem, but apparently talking to him hadn\u2019t helped with other issues either. There was a silence for a while, until the tapping from Joe\u2019s foot started again.<\/p>\n \u201cSpit it out Joe,\u201d Adam sighed at last, causing Joe to freeze in mid kick.<\/p>\n Joe replied in a low voice \u201cIt\u2019s Mitch. He… he got in the middle of it and I really messed up. He won\u2019t listen to me either.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve tried to really talk to him? You two have been friends for so long.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Well, I guess, no. Just right after. I really embarrassed him, and he trusted me. But he wouldn\u2019t listen when I tried to explain.\u201d\u00a0Joe frowned.\u00a0\u201cI would have erased the whole thing if I could\u00a0have then and there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTry again, Joe,\u201d Adam said calmly. \u201cHe must have calmed down by now. Really explain why it happened and why you\u2019re sorry. There really isn\u2019t more you can do. But just try again. One quarrel shouldn\u2019t break up a long time friendship.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to be good at words, Adam. I expected at least a good speech that you always have on hand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re supposedly good at emotions, Joe,\u201d he retorted.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust that you\u2019re good at\u00a0showing your emotions.\u201d\u00a0Joe was about to protest at the statement that he saw as belittling, but Adam gestured at him to stay quiet as he continued, \u201cI don\u2019t mean to insult you with that. It\u2019s a good thing. People can see that you\u2019re sincere and that you really mean what you say. So do what you usually do. Show him that you mean what you say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d Joe sighed thoughtfully and finally gave a cheeky smile. \u201cI guess I\u2019ll try that then, older brother.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam shifted where he sat. To him the whole thing was hardly clearer than at the beginning of the conversation.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you don\u2019t want to explain what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked slightly apologetic. \u201cNot now,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n \u201cOr about what got you to act like you were fifteen again, having a quarrel with the world?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, not that either,\u201d Joe snorted. \u201cNot yet anyway. Maybe sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *<\/strong><\/p>\n If Joe didn\u2019t have to\u00a0relate\u00a0the whole thing to his brother now, the same didn\u2019t apply to what he had to\u00a0tell Mitch. He\u2019d have to explain how he had been afraid and how that had made him cowardly. It wasn\u2019t going to be easy. He had thought about his issues with Eagle\u2019s Nest and talked about it with his Pa, but it still felt embarrassing.<\/p>\n He thought about going to the Devlin place, but scrapped that idea.\u00a0He couldn\u2019t invade a personal space like that, when he wasn\u2019t wanted there. He tried to approach Mitch by the general store the next day, but the man turned away. He couldn\u2019t go to the saloon either. Not on a Friday anyway, because that was when the arm wrestling was. Still, that was where he found Mitch in the end. At least it was Saturday.<\/p>\n The saloon was in a way a perfect place for redemption. The mix of stale beer, sweat and wood smelled of regret.\u00a0Here you could sin and feel the after effects of it all in the same night. Or else you could be picked up to be brought elsewhere to atone. For most, that was by the sheriff to jail. After seeing Mitch was there, Joe walked up to the bar to buy a beer\u00a0not only to have an excuse to be there if he wasn\u2019t accepted at the table, but also to have something to hold in his hands.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t ask if he could sit down. He just picked an empty chair. After a minute of the two of them staring at each other, challenging Joe\u2019s right to be there, the two other guys took the hint and rose to\u00a0leave.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, you don\u2019t have to go,\u201d Mitch told them. \u201cCartwright\u2019s\u00a0not staying.\u201d<\/p>\n Not Joe, nor Little Joe, but Cartwright. This wasn\u2019t going to be easy.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I am,\u201d Joe said at the same time as the other two muttered something about whiskey and walked away.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re not leaving, then say your piece\u00a0and go,\u201d Mitch said curtly after a silence. He wasn\u2019t looking at Joe now.<\/p>\n Joe cleared his throat.<\/p>\n \u201cI… Mitch do you remember when it all started? I mean, when I, well, started to act like an idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen that Ken fellow tried to stir up trouble and have you challenge me,\u201d Mitch replied straight away, fixing his angry eyes on Joe. \u201cYou said you didn\u2019t have anything to prove and we didn\u2019t have anything to prove to each other.\u201d He paused for a moment, then continued, \u201cI believed you, and I guess I was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, it was later,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n \u201cYou were upset about not getting that puma and losing your rifle.\u201d Mitch wasn\u2019t participating in Joe\u2019s guessing game as much as thinking out aloud.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, that\u2019s part of it. It was the rifle. I couldn\u2019t get it back.\u201d Joe\u00a0scratched\u00a0marks into the table with his fingernail, but remembering Adam\u2019s advice he looked up at Mitch when he began to tell his story about losing his rifle and realising he had a fear of falling from Eagle\u2019s Nest. He told about how he couldn\u2019t find the nerve to get that rifle and how he had felt like a coward and embarrassed about the whole thing, so he needed something to make him feel bigger, more important. He needed to prove something, exactly like he had said he didn\u2019t need to do. That\u2019s were arm wrestling came in.<\/p>\n \u201cFriends don\u2019t do that to friends,\u201d Mitch muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d Joe replied. \u201c I wouldn\u2019t do it now. It\u2019s like I was possessed by something then. I know it\u2019s no excuse and\u00a0I shouldn\u2019t have done it. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI still can\u2019t trust you.\u201d<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t enough and there wasn\u2019t much else he could do. Joe rose up to leave.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know that championship wasn\u2019t all you had. There\u2019s other things you have people\u2019s respect for.\u201d Other things in fact that maybe Little Joe himself didn\u2019t deserve any respect for.<\/p>\n He looked down at Mitch\u00a0and continued. \u201cBut maybe I was wrong about you,<\/b><\/strong>\u00a0too. Maybe that\u2019s all you had.\u201d<\/p>\n Now Mitch too was on his feet, glaring at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you have anything more to say?\u201d he snarled.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you can go back to your games and championships. I\u2019m leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I know what you\u2019re doing. I know what you want and you will have it,\u201d Mitch said, his voice steely as he stepped closer.<\/p>\n At last Joe felt the fist hit his stomach and a moment later another landed on his face making him stumble to the floor.<\/p>\n \u201cCall that exorcism, Little Joe,\u201d Mitch said a little smugly and went back to sit down by his beer. \u201cYou said you were possessed, and you had the devil in your eyes back then anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n Nearby patrons turned back to their drinking when they saw there wasn\u2019t going to be a fight. Joe slowly picked himself up from the floor, feeling his face with his fingertips. There probably would be a bruise, but that was fine. \u00a0He sat down by the table again and grabbed his beer, glancing almost shyly at his friend\u2019s face between swigs. Mitch glared back at him severely, but Joe knew better. They would be fine too.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n ***<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Author Notes:<\/p>\n This was\u00a0inspired by the episode \u201cBetween Heaven and Earth\u201d, which\u00a0was written by Ed Adamson.<\/p>\n Many thanks to Cheaux for beta reading and answering all my questions!<\/p>\n