When Joe’s irresponsible behavior lands him in trouble, he decides it’s time to sort out his own problems without the help of his family. But he soon finds himself in much deeper than he’d intended, and his life hanging by a thread.<\/p>\n
Rated: T \u00a0WC 14,000<\/p>\n
Responsibility<\/strong><\/p>\n Chapter 1<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Being an adult was not all it was cracked up to be!<\/p>\n Joe pushed another couple of sticks into his small camp fire and wrapped his blanket closer around his shoulders as the night chill began to bite.\u00a0 For the hundredth time in two days, he drew the crumpled letter from inside his jacket and stared at it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t unfold it again.\u00a0 There was no need.\u00a0 He had read it so many times, he knew what it said.<\/p>\n Maybe he should just go home, own up, show the letter to Pa and ask him what he should do.\u00a0\u00a0 Pa would sort things out.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter how big the mess, Pa always seemed to be able to sort it out.<\/p>\n Joe sighed.\u00a0 This time he couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 This time he had to sort out the mess on his own.\u00a0 After the fire at the livery stable, Pa had made it abundantly clear that there would be no more chances.<\/p>\n The fire.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s insides shriveled whenever he thought about it.\u00a0 He would never, never forget the terrible, shrill screams of the three horses trapped in the burning stable, the ones he tried to get to before the blazing rafters came crashing down around him.<\/p>\n He pushed the letter back inside his jacket and curled himself on the ground.\u00a0 The blisters on his shoulders and hands had healed over now, but he could still feel the burning of Pa\u2019s anger.\u00a0 Even the fact that it had actually been Cal Newsome who started the fire hadn\u2019t appeased Pa\u2019s fury.\u00a0 Joe had been part of the stupid dare that had led to the tragedy and that had been enough.<\/p>\n Seemed that lately Pa was always ready to believe the worst of him, no matter how hard he tried.\u00a0 Nothing he did was right any more.\u00a0 Pa was always on his back about something. \u00a0And if it wasn\u2019t Pa, it was Adam.\u00a0 Even Hoss, who\u2019d always been an ally before, had started giving him sad looks these past weeks, since the fire. Like he was somehow a disappointment.<\/p>\n Then there was the inevitable \u2018talking to\u2019 from Pa.\u00a0 How many times had he heard that over the last few months?\u00a0 The lecture about responsibility.\u00a0 It was now so familiar to him, Joe could almost recite the lines word for word with his father.\u00a0 You\u2019re not a child any more, Joseph.\u00a0 How do you expect to be treated like an adult when you behave like a ten year old?\u00a0 Adam and Hoss never had to be bailed out of jail when they were your age.<\/em> Then there was the line that was always in there, somewhere near the end of the rant, about Pa reaching the end of his tether and how it was high time Joe learned to take responsibility for his own actions.<\/p>\n So, that was what he was doing.\u00a0 Taking responsibility.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t going to ask for anyone\u2019s help this time.\u00a0 Pa was right.\u00a0 He was a grown man now, not a little kid.\u00a0 This time he would sort out the mess for himself.<\/p>\n He stared hard into the flames and tried not to think about tomorrow.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 2<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018Smells good!\u2019 said Ben as he and Adam came through the door into the house.\u00a0 \u2018If I\u2019m not mistaken, Hop Sing\u2019s special ribs.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I think you\u2019re right.\u2019\u00a0 Adam sniffed the air as he took off his hat and unbuckled his gun belt.\u00a0 \u2018Hello, Hoss.\u00a0 How\u2019d you get on with that branding?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss straightened up from the fireplace.\u00a0 A small frown creased his broad open face. \u2018Yeah, all right, I guess.\u00a0 I jus\u2019 got in about twen\u2019y minutes ago.\u2019<\/p>\n Ben hung up his hat and looked round at his second son.\u00a0 \u2018Everything all right, son?\u00a0 You looked worried.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, Pa.\u00a0 Actually, there is somethin\u2019.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe about?\u2019 asked Adam.<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018It\u2019s Little Joe I\u2019m worried about, Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam and Ben exchanged glances.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s jaw had tightened already.\u00a0 Lately any mention of Joe\u2019s name had that effect. \u2018What\u2019s he done this time?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I don\u2019t know that he\u2019s done anythin\u2019 Pa.\u00a0 I jus\u2019 found this on his bed.\u2019 Hoss held out a sheet of notepaper.\u00a0 Ben took it from him, his stern brow furrowing deeply as he read the brief message scrawled in large letters across the paper. \u2018TAKING RESPONSIBILTY.\u2019<\/p>\n In silence, Ben passed the note to Adam. \u2018What\u2019s that about?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam stared hard at the two word missive, sensing the resentment that had gouged those letters so hard into the paper.\u00a0 \u2018Looks to me like he\u2019s trying to make a point,\u2019 he said, passing the paper back to his father.<\/p>\n \u2018What point?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Come on, Pa.\u00a0 Just lately we do nothing but argue about Joe\u2019s irresponsible behaviour.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam could almost see his father\u2019s hackles rise.\u00a0 This was sensitive ground right now.\u00a0 The livery stable in Virginia City had already been rebuilt but it would be a long time before the image and the smell of the smoke-blackened ruin stopped haunting them.\u00a0 And then there had been the bust up in town just before that; shop windows broken, the saloon smashed up.\u00a0 And the trouble at the dance.\u00a0 Not to mention Joe\u2019s frequent absences around the ranch.\u00a0 The list went on and Adam could see every grievance etched in the lines of his father\u2019s face and the deepening shadows around his eyes.<\/p>\n \u2018I don\u2019t know what\u2019s got into that boy.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam exchanged glances.\u00a0 How many times had they heard Pa say those words in the last few months?<\/p>\n Hoss gave a small shrug.\u00a0 Adam knew he wanted it to look nonchalant but it didn\u2019t quite work.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s in with a bad crowd, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam nodded.\u00a0 \u2018It\u2019s just his age, Pa.\u00a0 He\u2019ll get over it. Now that Cal Newsome\u2019s in jail, there won\u2019t be the same trouble.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018So what\u2019s this about?\u2019\u00a0 Pa waved the note in front of them.\u00a0 \u2018This just better not be more trouble, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 3<\/strong><\/p>\n Hoss rolled over in bed and opened his eyes. It was still dark.\u00a0 Only the moonlight illuminated the familiar shapes of his bedroom.\u00a0 What had woken him?\u00a0 Had he just been dreaming or had there been a sound outside on the landing?\u00a0 Was it Joe?\u00a0 Had he come back?<\/p>\n He climbed out of bed and went barefoot to his door.\u00a0 The landing was in darkness.\u00a0 He trod quietly along the carpet until he reached Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 The door was still wide open.\u00a0 The moonlight fell on the smooth covers of the untouched bed.<\/p>\n He stood in the doorway for a moment, then he crossed to the bed and sat down with a heavy sigh.<\/p>\n Dang, Little Joe, where are you?\u00a0 What was that note about?\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n \u2018You could at least\u2019ve told me or Adam where you was going,\u2019 he muttered out loud to himself.<\/p>\n A movement in the doorway startled him. \u2018Adam!\u00a0 You made me jump!\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I thought you might be Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No, I thought I heard something, but I was mistaken.\u00a0 Just jumpy, I guess. I sure hope that little galoot hasn\u2019t gotten himself into any more trouble.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018If he lands himself in that jailhouse one more time, I think Pa will leave him there.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, I think you\u2019re right, Adam.\u00a0 Pa sure is mad at him lately.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam nodded. \u2018With good reason.<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, I guess.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss acknowledged the point with some reluctance.\u00a0 He hated to see Joe in trouble as much as he hated to see Pa angry and upset.\u00a0 Just lately, life on the Ponderosa seemed to be one big fight between Pa and Little Joe.<\/p>\n \u2018You reckon it might have anythin\u2019 to do with that letter I brung back yes\u2019erday?\u2019\u00a0 Hoss couldn\u2019t read Adam\u2019s expression in the dark. His older brother was standing very still and quiet. \u2018You know, you were teasin\u2019 him about which girl was writin\u2019 to him now?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam nodded his head slowly.\u00a0 \u2018Yes.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say anything though, did he?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No.\u00a0 An\u2019 you didn\u2019t see how red he went when you said that to him, Adam.\u00a0 Face like a boiled beetroot.\u00a0 An\u2019 how he snatched that letter away when I leant over him.\u00a0 He was up those stairs like a hunted jackrabbit.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You didn\u2019t see who it was from?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No, he snatched it away too quick. \u00a0But he was kinda quiet all evenin\u2019.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah.\u00a0 But then he\u2019s been kinda quiet since the stable fire.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t like to remember that night; Little Joe in the jail, hands burnt and blistered, face black, eyes red and swollen with smoke.\u00a0 The enormity of it made his throat feel strangled, like he was being choked by a too tight collar.\u00a0 This was no silly brawl or boyish prank they could just shrug off.\u00a0 This was serious. The sheriff\u2019s frown said it was serious, the smouldering remains of the stable, the charred carcasses of the dead animals.\u00a0 And Joe, when they finally got him back to the Ponderosa, in tears for the horses that had died in terror.<\/p>\n \u2018I tried to get them out, Pa!\u00a0 I promise, I tried!\u2019<\/p>\n The tightness in Hoss\u2019s throat moved down into his chest.\u00a0 He lowered his face.<\/p>\n \u2018Hoss, what say you and I ride into town at sun up and ask around?\u00a0 See if any of Joe\u2019s friends know anything?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss brought his head back up and squinted through the darkness at Adam.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have to be able to see his brother clearly to know that Adam was as worried as he was about Little Joe\u2019s absence.\u00a0 They knew each other too well.\u00a0 And they both knew Joe, and they both knew that he was in trouble.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 4<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe reined in his horse and stared with a thudding heart at the small shack in front of him.\u00a0 Once again, he drew the crumpled letter from inside his jacket and shook it open.\u00a0 This had to be the place, he knew, but the certainty did not lessen his trepidation.\u00a0 It was late in the day; it had taken him longer than he\u2019d expected to locate this tumbledown hovel.\u00a0 He could ride back to the town, he told himself.\u00a0 Find a room somewhere and come back out here tomorrow.\u00a0 It was a tempting proposition, but he knew that it would only put off the moment he was dreading.\u00a0 It would still have to be faced.<\/p>\n As he slid from the saddle in front of the rickety porch, the heavy lump that had been growing inside his stomach all day threatened to well up in his throat like nausea.\u00a0 He swallowed hard a few times, took several deep breaths to calm his racing heartbeat, and knocked at the door.<\/p>\n Nobody answered.\u00a0 He forced himself to wait, feeling each rapid heartbeat jump in his throat.\u00a0 Just as he was about to turn away, breathing a deep sigh of relief, he heard sounds from inside the house and the door opened.<\/p>\n A girl stood there; a thin girl with dark rimmed eyes and dull blonde hair pulled into an untidy ponytail.\u00a0 For an instant, neither of them moved or said anything; just stared at each other in frozen silence.\u00a0 Then the girl seemed to gather her senses.<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe! What are you doing here?\u2019<\/p>\n He swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u2018You wrote me.\u00a0 So I came.\u2019<\/p>\n She had not looked like this when he saw her last, at the end of the summer.\u00a0 Her appearance shocked him so that he knew he was staring too hard.\u00a0 Her face looked thin and hard, and her lifeless hair was dull.\u00a0 The stained and patched shirt she wore tucked loosely into her drab brown skirt was surely a man\u2019s.\u00a0 She sensed his shock and rubbed her hands self consciously over her hair.<\/p>\n \u2018I… I didn\u2019t expect you to…\u2019 She broke off and cleared her throat.\u00a0 \u2018Well, since you\u2019re here, you\u2019d better come in.\u2019<\/p>\n He followed her into the dingy shack, his heart sinking lower with every step.\u00a0 She hadn\u2019t been exaggerating in her letter when she said she had no money.\u00a0 There was a rusty iron stove and a plank table with a rough wooden bench, and little else.\u00a0 The room smelt musty and stale.\u00a0 A rope had been strung across one end of the room, draped with a grimy patchwork curtain of ragged fabric.<\/p>\n Now that they were actually face to face, Joe couldn\u2019t think of a word to say.\u00a0 They stood awkwardly, each trying not to catch the other\u2019s eye.\u00a0 Finally Joe fished inside his jacket and pulled out a stuffed envelope. \u00a0\u2018I brought money.\u2019<\/p>\n The girl\u2019s face lifted a fraction.<\/p>\n \u2018But it\u2019s not a lot.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t get hold of much at short notice, and it\u2019s been a bit difficult for me at home lately.\u2019\u00a0 He realized he was beginning to babble, so he stopped and drew another deep breath. \u2018I\u2019ll get some more, I promise.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that I\u2019ll have to talk to my father, and he…he…\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018He doesn\u2019t know you\u2019re here?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No.\u00a0 Nobody knows.\u00a0 Not yet anyway.\u00a0 Sarah, I…\u2019<\/p>\n She shook her head.\u00a0 \u2018You shouldn\u2019t have come here, Little Joe.\u00a0 I only asked for you to send the money.\u00a0 You shouldn\u2019t have come all the way out here.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I had to.\u00a0 When you said about…\u2019 he faltered and cleared his throat, and once again they froze into an uncomfortable silence.\u00a0 This time, when Joe forced his voice out, it sounded feeble and wobbly even to his own ears.<\/p>\n \u2018Where is she?\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah turned her head in the direction of the ragged cloth screen.\u00a0 Slowly she crossed the poky room and drew back a length of faded checked fabric that might once have been a tablecloth.\u00a0 She stood back to let him pass.\u00a0 As he brushed past her, he noticed that she smelled sour, like bad milk.\u00a0 It made him feel more nauseous than ever.<\/p>\n There was not much light in the cramped sleeping space.\u00a0 A straw mattress, spread with a dirty quilt took up almost the entire space, but there was also a wooden crate jammed into the corner, and in the crate, wrapped in cut down blankets was a baby, fast asleep and twitching gently.<\/p>\n For a moment, Joe forgot to breathe.\u00a0 Sarah\u2019s voice said, \u2018I call her Hannah.\u2019<\/p>\n He crouched down beside the crate and stared.\u00a0 The baby was tiny. \u00a0Little fingers, so pale they looked almost translucent, curled around the edge of the blanket, each tipped with a perfect fingernail hardly bigger than a grain of rice.\u00a0 Her eyes were closed, but as Joe watched, her rosebud mouth puckered, and her porcelain cheeks made little sucking motions.<\/p>\n \u2018Hannah,\u2019 he repeated in a whisper, the sound almost a sigh on his lips.<\/p>\n As if she had heard her name, the baby\u2019s tiny face screwed up and she let out a thin reedy mew, like a hungry kitten.\u00a0 Joe stared in fascination.\u00a0 The mew became a quavering wail.\u00a0 \u2018Sssh,\u2019 he murmured, softly, and laid a finger to the delicate cheek.<\/p>\n \u2018She\u2019s hungry,\u2019 Sarah said flatly.\u00a0 \u2018Let me get her.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019ll do it.\u2019<\/p>\n Almost fearfully he slid his hands beneath the little blanket-swathed body and lifted it clear of the crate.\u00a0 It felt warm and alive to his touch, but far too small to be human. \u00a0He held it carefully, like a priceless piece of china, feeling the tiny body writhing as the cries grew louder and more desperate.\u00a0 Sarah reached out and took it swiftly from his hands.<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe, you need to go,\u2019 she said bluntly as she plumped down on the edge of the grubby mattress, tugging her oversized shirt free of her waistband, and lifting the baby to her breast.<\/p>\n He could not move, nor could he take his eyes from the baby.\u00a0 He had to make several attempts even to speak.\u00a0 \u2018She\u2019s so…beautiful,\u2019 he managed at last.<\/p>\n Sarah, whose gaze had been focused on the child\u2019s head, lifted her face to him with an expression of puzzlement.\u00a0 Looking back down at the baby, she stroked the pale fluffy down on its head with her finger. \u2018Yes,\u2019 she said, as if he had reminded her of something she had forgotten.\u00a0 \u2018She is beautiful.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe felt suddenly weak, almost as if his legs might give way at any moment.\u00a0 He sank down next to Sarah on the mattress and watched in silent fascination as the baby suckled.<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe,\u2019 Sarah said again, the urgency in her voice unmistakable, \u2018you must go.\u2019<\/p>\n He shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018Not unless you come with me.\u2019<\/p>\n Something like alarm crossed Sarah\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u2018I can\u2019t.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Why not?\u2019<\/p>\n She shook her head.\u00a0 \u2018It\u2019s not that simple.\u2019<\/p>\n The baby had let go of Sarah\u2019s breast. It began to mew again, rubbing its face against the loose folds of the rough cotton shirt.\u00a0 Sarah leaned over her, rocking gently.\u00a0 \u2018Sssh, my darling, sssh.\u2019<\/p>\n The baby\u2019s cries got louder.\u00a0 Sarah turned her around and pressed the little face to her other breast, and the pitiful mewling ceased again as the baby set to suckling once more.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s face was creased in a frown. \u2018You can\u2019t stay here.\u00a0 It\u2019s not right.\u00a0 Come back with me.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah shook her head. The baby pulled back again and took up its bleat of protest once more.\u00a0 She muffled its cries against her body, but Joe could sense her agitation.<\/p>\n \u2018What\u2019s the matter with her?\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah shook her head again.\u00a0 \u2018She\u2019s hungry, Little Joe, that\u2019s what the matter is.\u00a0 Here, you take her!\u2019<\/p>\n She thrust the child into his arms and rose in one swift movement.\u00a0 She went to the stove, pushing her oversized shirt back into her waistband, and put a coffee pot on to heat.<\/p>\n \u2018Don\u2019t you want to feed her?\u2019\u00a0 Joe looked down helplessly at the protesting infant, unsure what to do.\u00a0 Cradling her inexpertly against his chest, he climbed to his feet to hand her back to her mother, but Sarah held up her hands and backed away.<\/p>\n \u2018There\u2019s no point.\u00a0 I\u2019ve nothing to give her, Little Joe.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had nothing to eat for days.\u00a0 It\u2019s why I wrote to you. \u00a0I\u2019m desperate.\u00a0 I can\u2019t watch her starve.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe stared at her in horror, then back at the tiny bundle nestled so easily into the crook of his elbow.\u00a0 Hannah\u2019s cries were subsiding.<\/p>\n \u2018You see.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t even cry for long now.\u00a0 Soon she won\u2019t cry at all.\u00a0 She\u2019ll be too weak.\u00a0 She\u2019ll just lie there and look at me.\u00a0 And there won\u2019t be anything I can do to help her.\u2019<\/p>\n The blood drained slowly from Joe\u2019s face.\u00a0 He could think of nothing to say.\u00a0 The despair in Sarah\u2019s voice frightened him; the gloom and the dirt and the dank smell of the room pressed so heavily upon him, he thought he might suffocate if he didn\u2019t get some fresh air.<\/p>\n Once again, he held out the baby to Sarah, and this time she took her with a resigned sigh.\u00a0 He made for the door and the clear air of the evening beyond.<\/p>\n Thankfully \u00a0she didn\u2019t follow him.\u00a0 He stumbled around the side of the shack and leant his back against the broken planking, breathing hard, as though he\u2019d just swum up from the depths of a deep lake.\u00a0 Sliding down to the ground, he dropped his face onto his knees and wrapped his arms around his head, as if he could fend off the horror of what was happening that way.<\/p>\n He realized he was trembling; uncontrollable spasms that shook him from head to foot. \u2018Oh, God,\u2019 he muttered.\u00a0 \u2018God, God, God!\u00a0 What have I done?\u2019<\/p>\n God didn\u2019t answer.\u00a0 And Joe already knew.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 5<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018You come up with anythin\u2019 Adam?\u2019\u00a0 Hoss joined his brother at the bar and Adam pushed a beer at him.<\/p>\n \u2018Not a lot.\u00a0 Jed Benson says Joe came by yesterday afternoon wanting to borrow some cash.\u00a0 You find out anything?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah.\u00a0 Jimmy Flammery said Joe called on him and tried to borrow some money from him too.\u00a0 And he drew money outa the bank.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss fixed his brother with troubled blue eyes.\u00a0 He could see his own doubts reflected back at him in Adam\u2019s clouded brown gaze.\u00a0 \u2018What do you make of it, Adam?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam lowered his eyes to the glass in front of him on the bar.\u00a0 He pursed his lips.\u00a0 \u2018Well, if that letter was from a girl… \u2019 He stopped the sentence short, his voice heavy with misgiving.<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u2018Then Joe\u2019s got the kind of girl trouble that needs money.\u00a0 What do you reckon that might be?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t answer.\u00a0 He tilted his beer and swilled the liquid slowly around in the glass.\u00a0 \u2018Hope we\u2019re wrong, Hoss.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, me too.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam was still staring hard into his beer, as though he might find the answer to their problem there, somewhere at the bottom of the glass. \u2018But if that is the case, who is she and where is she writing from?\u00a0 What girls does Joe know who live that far away they have to write?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss pursed his lips and shifted uncomfortably.\u00a0 \u2018Thing is, Adam, I think I know who it might be.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s head flicked up, his drink forgotten.\u00a0 \u2018Who?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah McCall.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah McCall?\u2019\u00a0 Adam wrinkled his nose trying to remember the name.\u00a0 \u2018Didn\u2019t she use to hang around with that… what\u2019s his name?\u00a0 Tom Travis?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n \u2018But Joe was never interested in her.\u00a0 I could name a dozen others, but she wouldn\u2019t be one of them!\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss hesitated, not sure how to proceed now.\u00a0 He had promised Little Joe, after all, and, even with Joe missing and all the worry, somehow it didn\u2019t seem right to break a confidence.<\/p>\n \u2018What makes you think it\u2019s her?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss pulled an uncomfortable face.\u00a0 \u2018I promised Joe I wouldn\u2019t tell, so you gotta promise too, Adam.\u00a0 This is just between the two of us.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018All right.\u00a0 Go on.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018It was jus\u2019 after Little Joe started hanging out with that Cal Newsome and his gang, an\u2019 he was tryin\u2019 to impress them.\u00a0 He reckoned he could snatch Sarah McCall right out from under Travis\u2019 nose.\u00a0 It was a dang stupid boast, Adam, \u2019cause that Tom Travis was mighty handy with his fists.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, I remember.\u00a0 Got chased out of town in the end, didn\u2019t he?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u2018Yeah, real mean.\u00a0 And d\u2019you remember that fancy dance they held here in town, end of last summer?\u00a0 Well, that was when it happened.\u00a0 Joe asked Sarah to dance and then they left together.\u00a0 He said he was walkin\u2019 her home.\u00a0 Then later, I heard him boastin\u2019 to Cal and Jimmy about what had happened, on the way back to her house.\u00a0 I reckoned maybe he was jus\u2019 talking big to impress \u2019em.\u00a0 But when we was riding home, I asked him about it, and he said yeah, it was true.\u00a0 But he made me promise to keep quiet about it \u2019cause he didn\u2019t want you and Pa to find out.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah McCall,\u2019 Adam said quietly.\u00a0 \u2018What happened to her?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018That\u2019s jus\u2019 it, Adam.\u00a0 I was walkin\u2019 back here an\u2019 going through my head about which gal it might be, an\u2019, well, most of Joe\u2019s gals are still here, round and about.\u00a0 There\u2019s no others I can think of that\u2019s moved away.\u00a0 But Sarah McCall?\u00a0 She went away before Christmas last year, and I ain\u2019t seen her since.\u00a0 Her pa says she went away to college.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Maybe she did.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, maybe she did.\u00a0 But maybe she didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I been thinking that you and me should pay a visit to the McCall\u2019s and see what they have to say.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n Joe lifted his head and stared blankly at the deepening gloom around him.\u00a0 Despite the sun having slipped below the hills, it wasn\u2019t yet cold and there was no reason for him to shiver, but still he did.<\/p>\n He had a daughter.\u00a0 Beautiful, tiny, and terrifyingly helpless.<\/p>\n The lead ball in his stomach finally swelled into his throat and he stumbled clumsily to the patch of desolate scrub behind the shack, making it just in time to heave the lump into the dirt.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make him feel any better, but it did seem to ease the uncontrollable trembling that had taken over his body.\u00a0 He had to pull himself together, he knew.\u00a0 As hard as it was to believe, he was now a father, and he needed to behave like a grown man and take charge of a terrible situation.<\/p>\n So why did he feel like curling into a small ball and weeping?<\/p>\n Cochise was still tied to the porch rail.\u00a0 Joe stopped to take a mouthful of water from his canteen to rinse the sourness from his mouth, then groped in his saddlebag for the biscuits and jerky left from his ride.<\/p>\n Sarah was sitting on the wooden bench, just inside the door.\u00a0 The baby was nowhere to be seen.\u00a0 Back in its crate, Joe supposed.\u00a0 The girl lifted her face to him as he came through the door and his stomach clenched again at the hopelessness in her lacklustre eyes. \u2018I thought you\u2019d gone,\u2019 she said.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m not going,\u2019 he told her. \u2018Not without you.\u00a0 I already told you. \u00a0Here.\u00a0 Eat these.\u2019<\/p>\n He dropped the food onto the table and she stared at it blankly for several moments.\u00a0 Then she reached for a biscuit and bit hungrily. \u2018Thank you,\u2019 she muttered.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019ll make coffee,\u2019 Joe said, crossing to the stove to see what was in the pot she had put to warm there.\u00a0 \u2018D\u2019you have any light?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018There\u2019s a candle, there on that box.\u2019<\/p>\n He lit the candle and found two chipped cups into which to pour the coffee.\u00a0 It was lukewarm and very weak.\u00a0 He realized the stove must be out, but they drank it anyway, and Sarah ate everything Joe had put in front of her, which was little enough.\u00a0 It was only when she had finished eating that either of them spoke again.<\/p>\n \u2018Tomorrow I\u2019ll ride into town and get you some more food,\u2019 Joe told her.\u00a0 \u2018And some clothes for Hannah.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah shook her head.\u00a0 \u2018No, Little Joe.\u00a0 You have to leave tonight.\u00a0 Now.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I keep telling you, I\u2019m not leaving without you.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You don\u2019t understand, Joe.\u2019\u00a0 She lowered her face and her hands fiddled nervously in her lap.\u00a0 Her voice was very small.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m married.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Married?\u2019\u00a0 His face paled.\u00a0 He looked around the miserable little house.\u00a0 \u2018Where is he, then?\u2019<\/p>\n She shook her head again.\u00a0 \u2018It doesn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry, it was wrong of me to write to you.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No it wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 Of course it wasn\u2019t. I jus\u2019 wish you\u2019d told me earlier.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I thought it would all be all right.\u00a0 After it happened…\u2019\u00a0 She faltered, struggling to find the right words.\u00a0 \u2018After it happened, and I found out there was going to be a baby, my father threw me out.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what I was going to do.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Why didn\u2019t you tell me when it first happened?\u00a0 I would have helped.\u00a0 I would have…\u2019\u00a0 Joe stopped, uncertain.<\/p>\n \u2018What?\u00a0 Married me?\u2019<\/p>\n The question felt like a sharp slap on the face.\u00a0 Joe swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u2018Yes.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Oh, Joe!\u2019 she shook her head.\u00a0 \u2018I know you would.\u00a0 If you thought it was the right thing to do.\u00a0 You Cartwrights, you always do the right thing.\u2019\u00a0 He thought he detected an undercurrent of bitterness in her voice.\u00a0 \u2018Think what it would have been like.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018We could have made it work. For the baby\u2019s sake.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018But that would\u2019ve been it, wouldn\u2019t it?\u00a0 The only thing we had in common.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, Little Joe, there were no real feelings between us.\u2019<\/p>\n He opened his mouth to protest, but in his heart he knew she was right.\u00a0 Some clumsy fumbling in a dark alley.\u00a0 A few stolen moments of thoughtless pleasure just to satisfy his own pride.\u00a0 Not the foundation on which to build a future.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m sorry,\u2019 he muttered.<\/p>\n She shook her head.\u00a0 \u2018Anyway, I met somebody I loved.\u00a0 Somebody who loved me.\u00a0 So it seemed that everything would be all right.\u00a0 We came out here, found this place. We had big plans to do it up.\u00a0 He found a job in town.\u2019\u00a0 She stopped and lifted her coffee cup.\u00a0 Joe got the distinct impression she was fighting back tears. \u2018But then, it all started to go wrong.\u00a0 He lost his job and we had no money; no one here that we knew…\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Where is he now?\u00a0 Your husband?\u2019<\/p>\n She gave a small shrug.\u00a0 \u2018In town, I guess.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t come home much any more.\u00a0 Says it depresses him too much.\u00a0 Says there\u2019s nothing here he wants to come back to.\u2019\u00a0 Her voice broke as a sob caught in her throat.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s right, isn\u2019t he?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No.\u2019 Joe leaned across the table and caught at her hand but she snatched it away, straightened her back and forced her tears under control.\u00a0 Struggling to find the right words, and on the verge of tears, himself, it was difficult to keep his voice steady. \u2018No, he\u2019s not right, Sarah.\u00a0 He\u2019s not.\u00a0 The most precious things he could ever have are right here.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah seemed to rally.\u00a0 She rose from her seat and picked up the two cups. \u2018Little Joe, you really must go.\u00a0 If he does come home, he mustn\u2019t find you here.\u2019<\/p>\n A question struck Joe. \u2018What did you tell him about the baby?\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah turned away to put the coffee cups on a broken shelf.\u00a0 \u2018He thinks Hannah is his.\u2019<\/p>\n The answer hit him like another blow.\u00a0 His head was beginning to ache.\u00a0 \u2018Sarah, come back with me.\u00a0 Even if it\u2019s just for a little while, till you can get things sorted here.\u00a0 Come with me, for Hannah\u2019s sake.\u00a0 You can have proper food and a bed, and everything you need for the baby, I promise.\u2019<\/p>\n The laugh she gave wrenched at his heart, it was so empty and without hope. \u2018Just like that? \u00a0You seem to think it can all be so simple.\u00a0 What would your family say? \u00a0What about all those nice, respectable friends of yours? \u00a0I\u2019m a married woman, remember.\u00a0 Your name would be mud.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018That\u2019s not important.\u00a0 We can work that out.\u00a0 Please, Sarah.\u00a0 You can\u2019t stay here. And I\u2019m not going to go away and leave you.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Oh, Little Joe, you must!\u00a0 You should never have come.\u00a0 I should never have written to you.\u00a0 You\u2019ve done more than I could have hoped for.\u2019\u00a0 She gestured at the envelope he\u2019d laid on the table earlier.\u00a0 \u2018That will help so much.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s not enough.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to need much more.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019ll manage.\u00a0 I\u2019ve managed so far.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe looked around at the dingy room, the lack of furniture, the fuel less stove, the empty shelves and cupboards, but he said nothing about that.\u00a0 \u2018She\u2019s my daughter too.\u00a0 I\u2019m not leaving her here.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah sat down again on the bench, and her shoulders slumped.\u00a0 It was only then that he realised how completely exhausted she was.<\/p>\n \u2018Listen,\u2019 he told her, \u2018you get some sleep, and tomorrow I\u2019ll take you and the baby into town and we\u2019ll get some supplies, and we can talk about this some more when you\u2019re feeling better.\u2019<\/p>\n This time she didn\u2019t protest, too tired to argue any more.\u00a0 He got up from the table and took her by the shoulders and led her to her bed.\u00a0 She made no demur as he pulled the shabby quilt around her.\u00a0 The baby lay sleeping in its makeshift cradle, making its strange little sucking noises to itself.<\/p>\n He went to see to Cochise, and brought in his saddle and bedroll, settling himself as comfortably as he could on the hard wooden floor, carefully extinguishing the candle to save on wax.\u00a0 But he did not sleep.\u00a0 The enormity of the muddle that was all his own doing pressed down on him like a stifling weight.\u00a0 He thought of Adam and Hoss and Pa, and longed for one of them to walk through the door and tell him exactly what he needed to do next.<\/p>\n From behind the tattered screen he heard Sarah\u2019s stifled sobs, desolate and broken. \u00a0They pierced his heart like a knife.\u00a0 No matter which way he looked at it, Sarah was in this pitiable mess because of him.\u00a0 For the first time, he thought about how frightened and lonely she must have felt when her family disowned her, with the baby already growing inside her.\u00a0 Tears started again in his own eyes and he shook his head in despair at his own uselessness.<\/p>\n He could not bear the sound of her weeping.\u00a0 He rose from the floor, crossed the darkened room, sank down beside her and took her in his arms, letting her bury her heartache in the comfort of his shoulder.\u00a0 Her sobs grew so deep and dreadful, he thought they would tear them both apart, while his own tears fell silent and unnoticed in her unkempt hair.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 6<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018Our daughter went off to college last December.\u2019<\/p>\n Mr McCall owned a tailoring business in Virginia City, and it was no secret that he was doing very well.\u00a0 His house, on the outskirts of the town, was testament to a lucrative income, newly extended, tastefully decorated, and finely furnished.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam sat in the parlour on a stuffed blue velvet chaise while Mrs McCall served them tea in delicate china cups, and small iced cakes on a tiered cake stand.<\/p>\n \u2018Thank you, ma\u2019am,\u2019 said Hoss, accepting a third cake from Mrs McCall and popping it whole into his mouth.\u00a0 \u2018Real tasty little cakes these are.\u2019<\/p>\n She acknowledged the compliment with a smile.\u00a0 She was an elegant woman in a glamorous dress of gold striped silk.\u00a0 Expensive, thought Adam.\u00a0 Certainly Mr McCall could easily afford to send his daughter away to be educated.<\/p>\n \u2018And how is she enjoying the experience?\u2019<\/p>\n Mr McCall inclined his head in Adam\u2019s direction.\u00a0 \u2018Very much, thank you for enquiring, young man.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam took a sip of his tea.\u00a0 \u2018And which college is Sarah at, Mrs McCall?\u2019<\/p>\n Was he imagining it or was that a brief flicker of alarm he caught in Mrs McCall\u2019s eyes?\u00a0 Before the woman could answer, however, her husband jumped in.<\/p>\n \u2018Why are so interested in our Sarah, Mr Cartwright?\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t realized you and she were close acquaintances?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Oh, no, we\u2019re not,\u2019 Adam assured him, smiling.\u00a0 \u2018It was my youngest brother, Little Joe, who was friends with Sarah.\u00a0 It\u2019s why we\u2019re here, actually.\u00a0 We think Joe might have gone to visit your daughter, and we don\u2019t know where that is.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe?\u2019\u00a0 Adam saw husband and wife exchange a brief worried glance.<\/p>\n \u2018We think Sarah wrote to him, inviting him to visit.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m sure you\u2019re mistaken, Mr Cartwright.\u00a0 My daughter has never mentioned your brother\u2019s name to us.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018We\u2019d still be interested to find out where she is so we can put our minds at rest.\u2019<\/p>\n Until that moment, Mr McCall had been the embodiment of hospitality.\u00a0 Now when he spoke there was an unmistakable frostiness in his tone. \u2018Mr Cartwright, my daughter\u2019s affairs are no business of yours.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry to hear your brother has gone missing, but I can assure you, my daughter has nothing to do with his disappearance.\u2019\u00a0 He pulled a watch from his pocket.\u00a0 \u2018Now, I do have some pressing affairs I need to attend to in town, Mr Cartwright and…er…Mr Cartwright, so I hope you won\u2019t think I\u2019m rude if I hurry you with that tea.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n \u2018Something\u2019s not right, that\u2019s for sure,\u2019 Hoss told Adam as they made their way back into town.<\/p>\n Adam nodded, looking thoughtful.\u00a0 \u2018I agree, but short of punching it out of him, I don\u2019t know what else we could have done.\u00a0 Do you want something to eat?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I could do with a beer,\u2019 Hoss told him.\u00a0 \u2018Wasn\u2019t enough tea in that little cup to feed a fairy. And what was with them cakes, Adam?\u00a0 I ain\u2019t never seen a cake so small!\u2019<\/p>\n They tied up their horses and went back to the Silver Dollar.\u00a0 As they gloomily contemplated their drinks, wondering what to do next, an elderly man ambled through the saloon doors, and raised a friendly hand in their direction. \u2018You boys the Cartwrights?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u2018That\u2019s us.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018There\u2019s a lady outside asking to speak with you.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m sorry,\u2019 Mr Cartwright.\u2019\u00a0 Mrs McCall seemed agitated, casting anxious glances around her as she addressed herself to Adam.\u00a0 \u2018If my husband sees me talking to you, he\u2019ll be furious.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018What can we do for you, Mrs McCall?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s Sarah, Mr Cartwright.\u00a0 She\u2019s…she\u2019s not at college.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam waited for her to enlighten them further, but she appeared to be struggling to speak.\u00a0 \u2018Where then, Mrs McCall?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Placerville.\u00a0 Just outside Placerville.\u00a0 She wrote to me soon after she left, and that\u2019s where she was then.\u00a0 But my husband, he won\u2019t hear her name spoken.\u00a0 He was furious when he found out she\u2019d written and he won\u2019t let me write back.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m sorry to hear that, ma\u2019am.\u00a0 You must miss her.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yes.\u2019\u00a0 Mrs McCall\u2019s voice caught and she cleared her throat.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m her mother, whatever she\u2019s done.\u00a0 Of course I worry about her.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I wanted to catch you alone, and speak to you.\u00a0 You see, if she has written to your brother, and he has gone to see her, well, I\u2019d just like to know that she\u2019s all right.\u00a0 You do understand, don\u2019t you?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Listen, ma\u2019am, we\u2019re gonna find our little brother, and if he is with Sarah, we\u2019ll make good and sure to let you know.\u2019<\/p>\n Mrs McCall smiled gratefully.<\/p>\n \u2018Mrs McCall, why did Sarah leave?\u2019 Adam asked.<\/p>\n Mrs McCall flushed a furious red. \u2018They argued all the time,\u2019 said quickly, \u2018my husband and Sarah.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want her hanging around with that terrible Tom Travis.\u00a0 I expect you remember him, don\u2019t you, Mr Cartwright.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam nodded.<\/p>\n \u2018And when Tom left town, Sarah threatened to run away after him.\u00a0 Oh dear!\u00a0 William was so angry with her when she said that.\u2019\u00a0 Mrs McCall stopped.\u00a0 She looked away, still flustered, and fiddled nervously with her handkerchief.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam waited patiently to see if she was going to elaborate, but she seemed to have run out of words.<\/p>\n \u2018So, is that why she left, ma\u2019am?\u00a0 Hoss prompted finally.\u00a0 \u2018After the argument with her pa, she went after Tom Travis?\u2019<\/p>\n Mrs McCall nodded.<\/p>\n Hoss looked to Adam for help. It was obvious to them both that Mrs McCall was holding something back.<\/p>\n \u2018Mrs McCall,\u2019 said Adam, lowering his gaze. \u2018I\u2019m sorry I have to ask you this, but when Sarah left here last December, was she… was she expecting a baby?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018A tear sprang in Mrs McCall\u2019s eye.\u00a0 She brushed it away, briskly, turning her face away to the street so that she wouldn\u2019t have to meet their eyes.\u00a0 \u2018Yes,\u2019 she whispered hoarsely.\u00a0 \u2018Yes, she was.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 7<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018Who the hell are you?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe jumped awake with a start and leapt instinctively to his feet.\u00a0 An early dawn light had pushed back the darkness, and a dark-headed man with square shoulders and a bruised face was standing over the mattress, with murder blazing in his eyes.\u00a0 His hands rested on his hips, and his knuckles were grazed and reddened.\u00a0 He peered at Joe, breathing heavy fumes of whiskey, and Joe stared back.<\/p>\n \u2018I know you,\u2019 snarled the dark-haired stranger.\u00a0 \u2018Cartwright, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Little Joe Cartwright.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u2018Tom Travis,\u2019 he said flatly.<\/p>\n Sarah was on her feet by then.\u00a0 She put out a hand towards her husband.\u00a0 \u2018It isn\u2019t how it looks, Tom.\u00a0 Joe just came by to offer us some help.\u2019<\/p>\n Tom\u2019s face twisted into a scornful leer.\u00a0 \u2018I know his kind of help, all right.\u00a0 I remember how he helped you out once before.\u00a0 Tried to make a fool of me then too.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Tom, calm down and listen to me.\u00a0 Little Joe\u2019s brought us some money to help us out.\u00a0 Just a loan, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018And you were returning the favor, is that it?\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah shook her head desperately.\u00a0 \u2018There\u2019s nothing going on between us, Tom.\u00a0 Nothing happened.\u00a0 Little Joe\u2019s leaving now.\u00a0 No harm done, you\u2019ll see.\u00a0 Please come and sit down.\u00a0 I\u2019ll find some wood, we\u2019ll light the stove.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make some coffee.\u2019<\/p>\n The baby chose that moment to wake.\u00a0 Her bleating wail distracted them all for a second.\u00a0 Travis spat at the floor.\u00a0 \u2018Is that miserable brat still alive?\u2019 He aimed a kick at the crate and the baby cried louder.\u00a0 Sarah flinched and bit her lip.\u00a0 Joe reached down and lifted the child in his arms.<\/p>\n Travis\u2019s lip twisted in a sneer. \u2018What do you think you\u2019re doing, Cartwright?\u00a0 Are you hoping I won\u2019t hit you because you\u2019re holding a baby?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe ignored the remark.\u00a0 He spoke to Sarah. \u2018Sarah, this is your chance.\u00a0 Tell him you\u2019re leaving and coming back to the Ponderosa with me.\u2019<\/p>\n Travis gave a cold laugh.\u00a0 \u2018Since when?\u00a0 Sarah\u2019s my wife and she goes where I tell her to go.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah turned pleading eyes on Joe. \u2018Little Joe, please, just go.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Not without Hannah.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Hannah!\u2019 Travis raised his eyebrows.\u00a0 \u2018And what would you want with a sniveling baby, Cartwright?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe clutched the infant tighter against him.\u00a0 She was still crying, but feebly. \u2018Tell him, Sarah.\u2019<\/p>\n Sarah dropped her eyes.\u00a0 Travis stretched his reddened hand towards the baby. \u2018You\u2019re not going anywhere with anything that belongs to me, Cartwright.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018She isn\u2019t yours, Travis, she\u2019s mine.\u2019\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t sure how he had expected Travis to respond to this announcement, but he certainly hadn\u2019t expected him to find it funny.<\/p>\n Travis peered at him for a few seconds with a puzzled expression, and then he burst out in a bellow of laughter. \u2018Yours?\u00a0 Is that what she told you?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe stared first at Travis, then at Sarah, but still she would not meet his eyes.<\/p>\n Travis let out another roar of amusement.\u00a0 \u2018Well, that\u2019s funny!\u00a0 I see it now.\u00a0 That was your plan, was it, Sarah?\u00a0 Get money out of Cartwright by telling him the baby is his.\u00a0 I like it, Sarah.\u00a0 You\u2019re smarter than I thought, girl.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe had had enough.\u00a0 Still clutching the whimpering child, he reached out and took Sarah\u2019s arm. \u2018Come on, Sarah, we\u2019re leaving.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You\u2019re not going anywhere.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Just you try and stop me, Travis?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Oh, big brave Cartwright kid!\u00a0 Talks like a real man with his gleaming gun at his side.\u00a0 But you see, Cartwright, I\u2019m not a rich kid and I don\u2019t have a nice shiny gun like yours.\u00a0 I have to get by with just my fists.\u00a0 How big a man are you without your gun, huh?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe pursed his mouth.\u00a0 Handing the baby to its mother, he reached down and unbuckled his gun belt.\u00a0 Travis followed him with his eyes as he crossed to the table and laid it there, next to the envelope containing the borrowed money.<\/p>\n \u2018All right, Travis, we\u2019ll do it your way.\u00a0 But if I\u2019m the one left standing, Sarah and Hannah come with me.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No, Little Joe!\u2019 \u00a0Sarah tried to catch at his arm but she was too late; his fist had already flown out, straight at Travis\u2019s face.<\/p>\n Travis caught the punch in his own fist.\u00a0 He was quicker than Joe had bargained for. They wrestled, locked together for a few short moments.\u00a0 Joe could hear Sarah sobbing again, just out of the range of his vision.\u00a0 Then a hefty elbow made contact with his jaw and sent him spinning.<\/p>\n Travis was fast and heavy.\u00a0 It was not going to be an easy fight.\u00a0 Joe launched himself back at his opponent, left fist flying.\u00a0 He felt Travis\u2019s nose crunch beneath his knuckles and heard him curse hotly, but then a blow like a mule kick caught him hard beneath the ribs and he fell crashing against the stove, retching for air.\u00a0 Through a swirling redness and a loud buzzing in his ears, he heard Sarah scream. \u00a0\u2018No, Tom, don\u2019t!\u2019<\/p>\n Joe, struggling to regain his feet, felt something hard and hot thud into his right side.\u00a0 He gasped with pain and surprise, and slumped again.\u00a0 Sarah was still shouting.\u00a0 Raising his head he peered groggily across the room.\u00a0 Travis was facing him, and in his hand he held Joe\u2019s revolver.\u00a0 The smell of gun smoke drifted into Joe\u2019s fast fogging brain.\u00a0 Another blast from the gun and his left shoulder exploded in a searing burst of pain.\u00a0 He slid down the stove.\u00a0 Every instinct screamed at him to run, but his body refused to move.\u00a0 Sarah and Travis were receding into the distance now, and the smoke was blurring his vision, but something flashed with the brightness of metal in Sarah\u2019s hand.\u00a0 She was lunging towards Travis with it.<\/p>\n There was too much red smoke now in the way.\u00a0 He could no longer see Travis, or Sarah, or Hannah, only the swirling crimson mist closing in and darkening around him.<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n When he came to his senses again, he was lying crumpled against the stove.\u00a0 There was a hot poker in his belly and another in his left shoulder, so painful he could barely breathe.<\/p>\n The room was eerily silent. Immediately in front of him was a small rectangle of sunlight on the wooden floor.\u00a0 He stared at it blankly while his mind slowly pieced together what had happened.\u00a0 Fear and horror washed through him in a sickening gush.<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah,\u2019 he muttered, but no one answered.\u00a0 He raised his head, groaning at the pain it cost to move. \u2018Sarah?\u00a0 Oh, God!\u2019<\/p>\n She lay on her back beside the table, a knife hanging loosely in her hand, and the front of her shirt wet with a gleaming redness.\u00a0 He pushed against the floor with his good arm to raise himself, and his hand slipped away beneath him.\u00a0 He cried out in fresh agony as he went down again.\u00a0 The floor was wet.\u00a0 It was a moment or two before he registered that the slippery wetness was his own blood.\u00a0 He gave up trying to rise and began to drag himself instead on his belly, panting heavily at the effort.<\/p>\n After an eternity, he finally manoeuvred himself within touching distance of the prone girl.\u00a0 He lay gasping for a few seconds, gathering what little strength remained in his limbs, then he stretched out his good arm and took her hand.\u00a0 It felt very cold.<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah?\u2019\u00a0 He could not hold his head up any longer.\u00a0 He lowered his face to the floor and took some deep breaths, holding onto consciousness by sheer force of will.<\/p>\n When he lifted his head again, he saw that she had turned her face to him and was watching him out of dark, hollow eyes.\u00a0 He saw her pale lips flutter to form words.\u00a0 \u2018Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n He squeezed her hand.\u00a0 \u2018Stay with me, Sarah.\u00a0 We\u2019ll be all right.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Joe… I\u2019m sorry.\u2019\u00a0 A tear rolled out of the corner of her eye and dropped down into her hair.<\/p>\n \u2018Nothing to be sorry for.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I wish…\u2019<\/p>\n He could hardly hear her.\u00a0 With a final effort he dragged himself a few inches closer.<\/p>\n \u2018I wish…that she had been yours, Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n A tear trickled down his cheek.\u00a0 He lowered his face.<\/p>\n \u2018Where is she?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018She\u2019s sleeping, Sarah.\u00a0 She\u2019s fine.\u00a0 She\u2019ll be all right.\u2019<\/p>\n He felt the slightest pressure on his hand.\u00a0 He squeezed back.<\/p>\n \u2018Don\u2019t leave me.\u2019<\/p>\n He tried to laugh and grunted in pain instead.\u00a0 \u2018Not going anywhere,\u2019 he assured her, feeling fresh warmth seeping into the floor beneath him.\u00a0 \u2018Right here.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 8<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018Down there.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss reined in his horse and pointed.\u00a0 \u2018Some kind of building.\u00a0 That must be the place.\u00a0 That fella in the saloon said it was in bad shape.\u2019<\/p>\n Close to, the shack looked even more dilapidated than it had from the top of the hill.\u00a0 It was ominously silent and bereft of any signs of life.<\/p>\n \u2018Not much of a place, is it?\u2019 said Hoss, dismounting to approach the broken porch steps.\u00a0 He knocked lightly on the rotting boards of the door.\u00a0 No one answered.<\/p>\n \u2018There\u2019s no one here,\u2019 said Adam, running his eyes over the derelict building.\u00a0 \u2018We\u2019re wasting our time.\u00a0 If Joe was here, we\u2019d have seen Cochise.\u00a0 This place is abandoned.<\/p>\n Hoss knocked again.\u00a0 There was still no sound or movement from inside.\u00a0 He made to turn away, hesitated, and on an impulse, gave the door a push.\u00a0 \u2018Sheesh!\u2019\u00a0 He recoiled involuntarily.\u00a0 There was no mistaking the horror in his voice. \u2018What the….?\u2019<\/p>\n Ben and Adam slid down from their saddles.\u00a0 Hoss had vanished into the gloom of the interior.\u00a0 Alarmed, they hurried after him, every sense alert.<\/p>\n \u2018Joe!\u2019\u00a0 Ben cried out in dismay as he dropped down on his knees beside the prone body of his youngest son, face down, unmoving on the floor. \u00a0Hoss was already fumbling for a pulse in his brother\u2019s neck.\u00a0 Adam stood frozen just inside the doorway, his mind too stunned to process the scene that confronted him.<\/p>\n There was blood everywhere.\u00a0 The girl lay in a thick congealed pool, and a dark crimson flower had spread and crusted over the front of her oversized shirt.\u00a0 Blood was spattered over the table, and soaked, in dark, uneven stains, into the rough planks of the floor.\u00a0 There was more beneath Joe too, and a smeared trail, edged with bloodied hand prints, from the direction of the lifeless stove.\u00a0 The room smelt like a butcher\u2019s shop. \u00a0Flies crawled everywhere.<\/p>\n Hoss had said nothing.\u00a0 His silence was shrinking Adam\u2019s gut into a tight, hard ball. \u2018Hoss?\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss looked up.\u00a0 There was desperation in his eyes.\u00a0 \u2018I can\u2019t find anything, Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam stared transfixed at his brother\u2019s body, unable to comprehend what Hoss was saying.\u00a0 From where he stood, he could see Joe\u2019s face, his left cheek pressed against the boards of the floor.\u00a0 His eyes were half open, his bloodless lips parted.\u00a0 He looked, Adam realized, his throat constricting with suffocating tightness, dead.<\/p>\n It was suddenly difficult to breathe.<\/p>\n \u2018Adam, Hoss, help me turn him over.\u2019<\/p>\n Ben reached out and uncurled his son\u2019s blood smeared fingers from the dead girl\u2019s hand, and gestured urgently with his head at his oldest son. \u2018Come on Adam, lend a hand.\u2019<\/p>\n Pa wasn\u2019t ready to give up yet.\u00a0 For a moment Adam\u2019s own panic became secondary to the fear and grief he knew Pa had to be feeling in that terrible instant, kneeling there in Joe\u2019s blood, holding his dead son, refusing stubbornly to let him go.<\/p>\n \u2018Adam?\u2019 \u00a0Hoss was staring up at him too, questioning why he hadn\u2019t moved to help.\u00a0 Gentle-natured Hoss could deal with this tragedy while he, Adam – the sensible, practical one – was paralysed with helpless fear.<\/p>\n \u2018Right.\u2019\u00a0 Forcing the word out through his constricted throat seemed finally to release the immobility of his limbs.\u00a0 Adam dropped on one knee and slid his hands beneath Joe.\u00a0\u00a0 Blood, treacle thick and sticky, oozed between his fingers.\u00a0 He swallowed hard against the bile threatening to gag him.<\/p>\n Carefully they raised Joe enough to turn him over onto his back.\u00a0 Ben slid his hands behind his son\u2019s shoulders and hugged him close to his chest. \u2018Joe?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s head lolled.\u00a0 Hoss put out his big hand and pressed it again into his brother\u2019s neck below his ear.<\/p>\n \u2018How long have they been lying here?\u2019 Adam muttered. Joe\u2019s eyes seemed to be gazing at him from beneath half closed lids.\u00a0 Adam wondered if he should reach out and close his brother\u2019s eyelids, but he wasn\u2019t sure his father was ready for that just yet.<\/p>\n Then Joe\u2019s eyes flickered.\u00a0 Adam was almost certain he saw them move. \u2018Joe?\u2019 he said hopefully.<\/p>\n Hoss leaned his cheek close to Joe\u2019s lips.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s breathing!\u2019 he exclaimed softly, a note of triumph in his voice.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s breathing! He\u2019s alive!\u2019<\/p>\n Ben gave his son a gentle squeeze.\u00a0 \u2018Good boy, Joe.\u00a0 You hang in there, son.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to get you to a doctor.\u00a0 Get some water, Hoss.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam saw Joe\u2019s eyes flicker again and his pale, cracked lips moved.<\/p>\n \u2018He\u2019s saying something, Pa.\u2019<\/p>\n They both leaned in, but, although Joe\u2019s lips moved, no sound emerged from between them.\u00a0 Hoss came hurrying back with a canteen, and dribbled water gently into Joe\u2019s mouth.<\/p>\n \u2018What\u2019s he saying?\u2019 he said, as he drew the flask away and saw Joe\u2019s lips fluttering once again.<\/p>\n \u2018Sarah?\u2019 suggested Adam, looking with dark, sad eyes at the stretched body of the girl beside them.\u00a0 \u2018Sarah\u2019s here, Joe.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to take care of her.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No,\u2019 said Ben.\u00a0 \u2018Not Sarah. He\u2019s saying something else.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s face twitched, and he breathed a sound like a sigh.\u00a0 With an effort he repeated it.<\/p>\n \u2018Hannah?\u2019 frowned Ben.\u00a0 \u2018I think that\u2019s what he\u2019s saying.\u2019\u00a0 He stroked back Joe\u2019s hair from his forehead.\u00a0 \u2018Just relax, son.\u00a0 We\u2019ll take care of everything.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try and talk.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Who\u2019s Hannah?\u2019 Hoss wondered.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s bloodless lips closed and parted purposefully twice.<\/p>\n Comprehension dawned.\u00a0 \u2018Baby,\u2019 said Ben.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s saying baby.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Oh God!\u2019\u00a0 Adam felt his stomach plummet.\u00a0 His legs felt suddenly as heavy as lead.\u00a0 He had to force them to move the short distance to the tattered patchwork screen that divided the room. Pushing it aside, he stared down in silence.<\/p>\n He stooped and reached down, wrapping the tiny grey body back inside its coverings, lifting the little bundle from the crate.\u00a0 When he raised his eyes again to meet the dread in the eyes of Hoss and Pa, none of them needed to speak to know.<\/p>\n \u2018Baby.\u2019\u00a0 Joe\u2019s mouth shaped the feeble sound again.<\/p>\n Ben held him tighter. \u2018It\u2019s all right Joe.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s got the baby.\u00a0 We\u2019ll take care of it.\u00a0 Everything is going to be just fine, son.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s life hung by a fine thread.<\/p>\n \u2018That boy should be dead,\u2019 said the doctor, grim-faced, as he washed and dried his hands.\u00a0 \u2018What a mess!\u00a0 Must have been lying there for a couple of days.\u2019\u00a0 He flexed his shoulders stiffly.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019ve done all I can for him, but I have to be honest with you, Mr Cartwright, I\u2019m not hopeful.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You don\u2019t know my son,\u2019 Ben told him.\u00a0 \u2018He\u2019s too stubborn to give up that easily.\u2019<\/p>\n He wasn\u2019t the only stubborn one, thought Adam, as he helped Pa sponge Joe\u2019s burning body with cool water.\u00a0 The last thing Joe needed was a fever.\u00a0 He was too weak to fight infection, the doctor told them sombrely.\u00a0 Adam could tell that the doctor did not expect his brother to be alive in the morning.\u00a0 Still Pa refused to concede.\u00a0 Pa would drag Joe through this by sheer force of will.<\/p>\n Sheer force of will was all Joe had left.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 9<\/strong><\/p>\n Five people stood at the graveside: the preacher, Adam, Hoss, and Mr and Mrs McCall.\u00a0 There was only a single coffin. Mother and daughter would be reunited in death.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss between them had composed the brief telegram that had brought Sarah\u2019s parents to this place.\u00a0 Adam had been vaguely surprised to see them. Their presence made the whole affair more harrowing than it already was, Mr McCall standing rigidly composed and expressionless throughout the brief ceremony, his wife trembling and weeping and finally folding in a broken heap by the grave, her heaving sobs shattering the still air of the little graveyard.<\/p>\n The preacher departed.\u00a0 Hats in hand, Adam and Hoss went to make their murmured condolences to Sarah\u2019s parents. \u00a0Mrs McCall was making a brave effort to recover her composure. Her husband looked as unyielding as ever.\u00a0 He fixed Adam and Hoss with a stony glare. \u00a0\u00a0\u2018What right had you to interfere in our affairs?\u2019 he hissed.\u00a0 \u2018She had nothing to do with your brother. \u00a0Why couldn\u2019t you leave well alone then none of this would have happened?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam cleared his throat, biting back the urge to tell Mr McCall what he really thought about him.\u00a0 Politely but firmly he said, \u2018My brother was only trying to do what was right by your daughter, Mr McCall.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018It was none of his business!\u2019<\/p>\n Adam frowned.<\/p>\n Hoss said swiftly, \u2018Pardon me, sir, but it was very much his business. It was his child, after all.\u2019<\/p>\n Mr McCall\u2019s eyes narrowed suspiciously.\u00a0 His wife looked up from her handkerchief, startled out of her tears.<\/p>\n \u2018His child?\u2019 she said.<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n The McCall\u2019s exchanged puzzled looks.\u00a0 \u2018I don\u2019t know from where you got your information, Mr Cartwright, but the child was not your brother\u2019s,\u2019 said Mr McCall.<\/p>\n For a few moments they all stared at each other in accusing silence, then Adam spoke. \u2018But your daughter wrote to Joe.\u2019\u00a0 He reached into his jacket and pulled out the crumpled sheet of paper he had retrieved from Joe\u2019s pocket.\u00a0 Blood had smeared the ink but the contents were still discernable.\u00a0 He passed it to Mr McCall. \u2018She told him the child was his.\u2019<\/p>\n The McCall\u2019s read the letter in tense silence.\u00a0 Mrs McCall began to weep again, but this time more softly.\u00a0 When he had finished reading, Mr McCall passed the sheet back to Adam, and some of the stoniness had dissolved from his face.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m sorry, Mr Cartwright, but there never was any dispute over whose baby my daughter was carrying.\u00a0 She was very clear that Tom Travis was the father.\u00a0 That\u2019s why she ran away.\u00a0 To find him.\u00a0 Worthless good for nothing that he was.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why she wrote that letter to your brother all these months on, but the child was certainly not his.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam bit back the anger as he remembered the dilapidated hovel and the dead baby in his arms.\u00a0\u00a0 Keeping his voice civil, he said, \u2018Maybe she wrote it because she was desperate.\u00a0 Because she had no one else to turn to.\u2019<\/p>\n A choking sob caught in Mrs McCall\u2019s throat.\u00a0 She turned and stumbled away.<\/p>\n \u2018Go after your wife, Mr McCall,\u2019 said Adam.\u00a0 \u2018She needs you.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n \u2018Does Joe know, d\u2019ya think?\u2019 asked Hoss as they walked back into town.<\/p>\n \u2018I don\u2019t know.\u2019\u00a0 Adam\u2019s dark eyes looked darker than ever, sunk into shadows of tiredness.\u00a0 None of them had slept properly for days. \u2018We\u2019re not going to find out until he wakes up, I guess.\u2019<\/p>\n Neither of them voiced the doubt they each knew was in the other\u2019s mind; that Joe might not wake up.<\/p>\n \u2018I sure hope he does know,\u2019 Hoss said with feeling.\u00a0 \u2018Otherwise, when he wakes up and finds out that baby didn\u2019t make it… \u2019 He left the sentence hanging and shook his head.<\/p>\n Adam tightened his lips and stared down at the road.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to have to remember that little grey body.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m kinda ashamed to admit it, Adam,\u2019 confessed Hoss, pulling a face at the ground, \u2018but I can\u2019t help feeling just a bit relieved that it wasn\u2019t Joe\u2019s baby we just buried.\u00a0 An\u2019 I reckon Pa\u2019s gonna feel mighty relieved too to know it wasn\u2019t his grandchild. Is that bad, Adam?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam shook his head, uncomfortably. \u2018I don\u2019t know Hoss.\u00a0 All I know for sure is, I\u2019m not looking forward to telling Joe when he does wake up.\u2019<\/p>\n *** *** ***<\/p>\n The fluttering life thread trembled precariously, but somehow it held. Against the odds, Joe\u2019s fever subsided, his heartbeat steadied, and the day after Sarah\u2019s funeral, he finally opened his eyes, lucid for the first time since they found him.\u00a0 Pa was in a chair by his bed, Hoss was asleep in an armchair across the room, and Adam was gazing through the window at the darkening street below.<\/p>\n \u2018Joe!\u2019\u00a0 Pa started forward, and grabbed his son\u2019s hand.\u00a0 Hoss sprang awake and Adam swivelled from the window.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s dazed eyes took them all in, vaguely puzzled to see them there.\u00a0 Slowly his gaze drifted around the strange hotel room, and came back to rest on Pa.\u00a0 Ben saw his eyes glaze, as though his vision had turned inward.\u00a0 His mouth moved but no sound emerged.\u00a0 He tried again and forced a hoarse whisper. \u2018Sarah.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam and Hoss had drawn close to the bed.\u00a0 They exchanged anxious glances.<\/p>\n Ben said, \u2018I\u2019m sorry, Joe, Sarah didn\u2019t make it.\u2019\u00a0 He reached for the tumbler on the bedside table.\u00a0 \u2018Here, son, try a drink.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss hurried to raise his little brother so he could swallow more easily. \u00a0Ben raised the glass to his lips, but Joe turned his head away. \u2018Hannah?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s insides clenched in that familiar knot.\u00a0 He thought about the baby, silent and unmoving in its rough wooden crate, wrapped in its soiled rags, a tiny, pale grey ghost.\u00a0 \u2018Hannah\u2019s dead, Joe.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe seemed to slump in Hoss\u2019s arms.\u00a0 He closed his eyes again.\u00a0 Hoss gave his brother a squeeze. \u2018There wan\u2019t nothing we could do, Little Joe.\u2019\u00a0 Carefully he lowered Joe back down onto the pillow.<\/p>\n Joe forced his eyelids apart again and turned his head to his father. \u2018She lied to me Pa,\u2019 he murmured.\u00a0 \u2018She said Hannah was mine, but she wasn\u2019t.\u2019<\/p>\n Ben squeezed his son\u2019s hand. \u2018Don\u2019t worry about it, Joe.\u00a0 We know.\u2019<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n \u2018He\u2019s making a remarkable recovery,\u2019 the doctor told Ben.\u00a0 \u2018Maybe you\u2019re just expecting too much.\u2019<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s face was creased with fatigue and worry. \u00a0He shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018I know my son, doctor.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like him to be so… so low.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018After what he\u2019s been through, Mr Cartwright?\u00a0 Just give him time.\u2019<\/p>\n Ben nodded, but his doubtful expression belied the gesture.\u00a0 \u2018He wants to go home.\u00a0 I think that might help.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018He\u2019s a tough boy, Mr Cartwright, but don\u2019t expect too much from him, too soon.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a long way to go yet.\u00a0 There may be other complications. \u00a0All that blood he lost.\u00a0 \u00a0Yes, he beat the fever, but that\u2019s only half the battle.\u00a0 What he needs now is time and rest.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 10<\/strong><\/p>\n In the soft forgiving darkness of his own familiar bedroom, Joe lay on his back watching the shadows dance in the autumn moonlight outside the window and heard Adam call out goodnight to Pa.\u00a0 There was no sound of a door closing.\u00a0 He knew there wouldn\u2019t be.\u00a0 Since they had arrived home, his father and brothers had taken to sleeping with their doors ajar.\u00a0 Just in case he needed them, they told him.\u00a0 All he had to do was call.<\/p>\n But at least it was night.\u00a0 Joe let his body relax and breathed out a long sigh.\u00a0 Night was his salvation.\u00a0 All day long they pestered him, but at night, they left him alone.<\/p>\n Ever since he had first opened his eyes, they had been fussing; Pa, looking grey and tired, bringing him food, offering him drinks, tutting over medicines, clucking over bandages; Adam, keeping him up to date, reading to him from newspapers and books, playing his guitar to fill the long hours, and all the time watching him out of anxious dark eyes that Joe didn\u2019t want to meet; and Hoss, trying to cheer him up with funny stories and tales of what the various animals around the ranch were doing, and urging him to get out of bed and start walking again, all with that same pain Joe saw in Pa\u2019s drawn face and Adam\u2019s dark eyes, thinly veiled behind his forced smile.<\/p>\n They all meant so well, but why couldn\u2019t they just leave him alone?\u00a0 He hated the worry in their faces, the exaggerated cheer in their voices, the clumsy attempts to make him feel better, the thinly disguised attempts to get him to talk, to tell them what had happened.<\/p>\n He hated that most of all.<\/p>\n Today the sheriff had come by to say that Travis had been found, and Cochise was safe.\u00a0 The sheriff in Placerville had circulated descriptions of man and horse, and Travis had been spotted by a sharp-eyed deputy in Sacramento.\u00a0 When they had tried to take him into custody, he had gone for his gun \u2013 Joe\u2019s gun \u2013 and now he was dead.<\/p>\n They had all thought he would be relieved to hear the news. Relieved to know that Cochise was safe; relieved to know there would be no need for a trial; relieved to know Travis was dead; relieved to know he was not Hannah\u2019s father, after all.<\/p>\n He knew he should have tried.\u00a0 Made more effort.\u00a0 Especially for Pa\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Pa, so stooped and etched with worry.<\/p>\n Joe sighed again.\u00a0 So why hadn\u2019t he?\u00a0 Why hadn\u2019t he at least looked pleased to hear about Cochise?<\/p>\n The truth was, he didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t the bullets; it wasn\u2019t the pain.\u00a0 Something else had happened as he lay there on the floor of the shack, with the blood draining from his body and the life draining from Sarah.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t explain it to anyone, because he didn\u2019t understand it himself.\u00a0 It was like all the softness had drained out of him, seeping away with his blood, and left in its place a hard lump.\u00a0 As though, inside, he had turned to stone.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t that he didn\u2019t want<\/em> to care, but as if he\u2019d lost the ability to do so. \u00a0More puzzling still, he didn\u2019t care<\/em> that he didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n It exhausted him to think too much, but thinking was something he could not stop.\u00a0 Laudanum helped.\u00a0 Not only did it numb the pain in his side and his chest, it deadened the thoughts that tormented his brain so they no longer had the potency to hurt him.\u00a0 But now Pa had started to worry about that as well, like he worried about everything, and he had taken away the bottle.\u00a0 \u00a0Now Joe was allowed small doses only if Pa or Adam or Hoss administered them.<\/p>\n Pa.\u00a0 Why did he worry so much, all the time?<\/p>\n And yet…<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s brow flickered as he recalled his father\u2019s arms cradling him as he lay on Sarah\u2019s floor.\u00a0 He had prayed for that, an eternity before, when Sarah stopped speaking and her hand turned cold.\u00a0\u00a0 He had prayed with a fervour he now recognised only from a distance.\u00a0 He would never feel that impassioned again.\u00a0 About anything.\u00a0 Then he had wanted to live.\u00a0 To help Sarah.\u00a0 To hold Hannah again.\u00a0 Now he no longer cared.\u00a0 Living or dying, neither filled him with any dread or desire.<\/p>\n He had sensed Sarah\u2019s life slipping away from him.\u00a0 Strange.\u00a0 He had never had any real feelings for Sarah.\u00a0 Even that evening of the dance, last summer, those brief, breathless moments in a dark back street alley.\u00a0\u00a0 Sarah might have been any girl that night – as long as she was Travis\u2019s.\u00a0 That was all that had mattered; courting danger by stealing as much as he could from Travis.\u00a0 He had never really given the girl another thought after that evening.\u00a0 Not until he read her letter.\u00a0 And saw her again.\u00a0 Saw the state she was in.\u00a0 All drab and skinny, and made plain by hunger.<\/p>\n Drab and skinny and plain, she had suddenly become real.\u00a0 He had hardly spared her a thought, and now she was the only thing that could stir any emotion inside him.\u00a0 Sarah and Hannah.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s breath caught with pain, but it was not pain from his wounds, though they still ached fiercely enough.\u00a0 He could think about Sarah, but he would not think about Hannah.<\/p>\n He had kept talking to Sarah, for as long as he could force words out of his mouth, and even after that.\u00a0 Even when he had felt the coldness of death stiffen her fingers, he had kept hold of her hand, kept talking to her.<\/p>\n \u2018Don\u2019t leave me, Joe,\u2019 she had whispered, her lips as white as her face.\u00a0 After that she had spoken only twice more; each time a single word: \u2018Hannah.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s face flinched at the memory.\u00a0 He turned on his side and shut his eyes, but he could not keep from thinking.\u00a0 Could not keep from remembering the silence.<\/p>\n He had tried to move, to reach Hannah, for Sarah\u2019s sake.\u00a0 He had called out her name into the stillness.\u00a0 But his limbs would not do what his brain told them. Each effort only brought another hot gush of blood beneath him, another wave of nauseating pain.<\/p>\n He had prayed.\u00a0 He had prayed with all he had left that Sarah would have the strength to hold on.\u00a0 In Sarah\u2019s strength lay Hannah\u2019s.\u00a0 At least that was how it had seemed to Joe\u2019s confused mind as he began to drift in and out of consciousness, and Sarah\u2019s life sputtered like a spent candle.<\/p>\n He had thought about Pa, and Adam, and Hoss.\u00a0 He\u2019d wanted to believe they\u2019d come looking for him, sort out the mess like they had always been able to do. But they did not know where he was.\u00a0 His pride and arrogance had made sure of that.<\/p>\n Silence.\u00a0 And the darkness of night.\u00a0 The cold fingers of another dawn.\u00a0 Dear God, how long did it take to die?\u00a0 There was no more point in praying.\u00a0 God was not listening.<\/p>\n \u2018Hannah.\u2019\u00a0 He had tried to call the name but his voice, like his limbs, had ceased to function.\u00a0 \u00a0He stopped trying.\u00a0 He had no strength left to weep, to think, even to feel.<\/p>\n ***\u00a0 ***\u00a0\u00a0 ***<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes snapped open again.\u00a0 The wind was still tapping on the window, tugging at the shadows on his bedroom ceiling.\u00a0 He rolled onto his back and stared at the uneasy darkness.<\/p>\n Maybe this was the price he paid for not caring enough in the first place.\u00a0 Never to care again.<\/p>\n What was the point of cheating death only to be left with a life of numbness?<\/p>\n \u2018Stop it!\u2019 he hissed at himself.\u00a0 \u2018Just go to sleep!\u2019<\/p>\n What if he hadn\u2019t cheated death? \u00a0What if death had cheated him?\u00a0 What if living would be his punishment?<\/p>\n What if Sarah had only had some food to eat, and the baby some milk?<\/p>\n What if he had never taken her into that alley?<\/p>\n What if he could have brought her back to the Ponderosa?<\/p>\n What if Hannah really had been his?<\/p>\n Joe swore aloud.\u00a0 He had to stop thinking.\u00a0 He pulled himself into a sitting position, wincing as his wounds tugged sharply, and groped for the small vial of laudanum Pa had left by his bed.\u00a0 In case he needed it in the night.\u00a0 Screwing his face at the bitterness, he frowned at the dark rectangle of his open door.\u00a0 He needed more to stop the pain of thinking.\u00a0 Where had Pa put the bottle?\u00a0 When he had taken away the empty vial to refill it, he had been gone only moments.\u00a0 It had to be in his room.\u00a0 On the stand, most likely.\u00a0 The doors all stood open.\u00a0 All he had to do was to tread softly a few paces along the passageway, and the moonlight would be enough.<\/p>\n He swung his feet over the edge of the bed.\u00a0 His right side was throbbing, but he took some deep breaths and the pain subsided.\u00a0 He had not been out of bed in over three weeks.\u00a0 He would take it carefully.\u00a0 Sit for a moment.\u00a0 Let his body adjust.<\/p>\n Grimacing, he pushed himself to standing.\u00a0 Creakier than Pa after a long day in the saddle.<\/p>\n Somehow, his legs didn\u2019t feel right.\u00a0 They trembled alarmingly.\u00a0 He was tempted to sit down again, but that would mean starting over, and he was halfway there now.\u00a0 Take a few breaths.\u00a0 Steady himself.\u00a0 He would be fine.<\/p>\n Just breathe, he told himself, sternly, shaking his head to dislodge the loud humming\u00a0 in his ears.\u00a0 The room dipped and swayed like the deck of a boat, and the darkness thickened and closed in around his head.\u00a0 Through the buzzing fog, the floor lurched towards him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t recall the thud and the splintering crash as he hit the rug.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 1<\/strong><\/p>\n How do you help someone who doesn\u2019t want to be helped?<\/p>\n Adam swept up the last fragments of the broken lampshade from the floor by Joe\u2019s bed.\u00a0 Oil had soaked into the boards and the rug in a dark irregular stain that reminded him vividly of other stains, dull red, on other boards.\u00a0 He pushed the image away and looked instead at his youngest brother, now safely back in his bed.<\/p>\n No wonder Pa was worried about him.\u00a0 Pale and thin, eyes sunk deep in their sockets, hair overgrown and wild, Little Joe looked childishly young and frail, propped against his enormous pillows.<\/p>\n Pa looked almost as hollow-eyed as Joe.\u00a0 Sometimes Adam didn\u2019t know which of them to worry about most.\u00a0 Pa would drive himself to his grave at this rate, and Little Joe was not helping one bit.\u00a0 Adam had already picked up the small vial left earlier by Pa.\u00a0 It was lying amongst the broken pieces of the lamp, still intact; stoppered and empty.\u00a0 Adam\u2019s jaw had tightened as he returned it to the table.<\/p>\n \u2018Pa, I\u2019m all right.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to fuss.\u2019\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice was still shaky.<\/p>\n \u2018You know what the doctor said, Joseph.\u00a0 Don\u2019t run before you can walk.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I was hardly running.\u2019 \u00a0Joe scowled, his face assuming the sulky look that had become its habit of late.<\/p>\n \u2018Dadburnit, Little Joe!\u00a0 If you needed help, all you gotta do is shout, you know that!\u2019<\/p>\n The uncharacteristic sharpness of Hoss\u2019s tone made them all look up in surprise.\u00a0 Hoss\u2019s towered over his younger brother\u2019s bed, his big frame shrouded in an enormous checked nightshirt, and his brows pulled down in disapproval.<\/p>\n Joe scowled too.\u00a0 \u2018I didn\u2019t want help.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No, you just wanted to do it all your own way as usual, and darn the consequences!\u00a0 You\u2019re jus\u2019 as stubborn as that mean old mule of Frank Hogan\u2019s that kept kicking and biting ’til it got itself shot!\u00a0 Ev\u2019ry day we been asking you if you want help gettin\u2019 up and walking, an\u2019 ev\u2019ry day you snap at us like we\u2019re askin\u2019 to cut your arms off instead, and then you almos\u2019 kill yourself trying to do it all by yourself under cover of darkness!\u00a0 You\u2019re killin\u2019 Pa, Joe, with all your tempers and your self pitying…\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Hoss!\u2019\u00a0 Ben held up his hand to stem the unexpected tirade.\u00a0 \u2018That\u2019s enough, son.\u00a0 Let\u2019s not fight about this.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss took a deep breath. \u2018Somebody needs to say somethin\u2019 to him, Pa!\u2019<\/p>\n Adam saw Joe\u2019s throat move as he swallowed hard, staring at Hoss out of shocked, dark eyes.\u00a0 His voice when he managed to speak was low and hoarse. \u2018I didn\u2019t ask for your help.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss\u2019s mouth twitched unhappily.\u00a0 Adam knew how much it had cost him to say what he had said; what, after all, they were all feeling.\u00a0 Pa, too, thought Adam, if truth be told.<\/p>\n Ben ran a hand through his silver hair and shook his head, half in despair.\u00a0 \u2018We\u2019re just worried about you, Joe, that\u2019s all.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Well, you don\u2019t need to be.\u00a0 I\u2019m gettin\u2019 better, Pa.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna be fine.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need to keep worrying!\u2019<\/p>\n Pa sat down on the edge of Joe\u2019s bed.\u00a0 \u2018Joseph, that would be like telling me not to breathe.\u2019\u00a0 He reached out and squeezed the hand Joe rested on the quilt.\u00a0 \u2018That\u2019s what parents do, boy; they worry.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter how old their children get, parents just keep on worrying.\u00a0 Look at Adam and Hoss here.\u00a0 All grown up years ago.\u00a0 Yet I worry about them every time they leave this house.\u00a0 You\u2019re my sons; I care about you more than anything else in the world.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss looked down at the floor.\u00a0 Adam flicked Pa the smallest hint of a smile, but Joe still looked strained.\u00a0 \u2018When did you know that, Pa?\u2019 he asked in a harsh little voice.<\/p>\n Pa frowned.\u00a0 \u2018Know what?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe cleared his throat but his voice still sounded frayed to Adam\u2019s ears. \u2018That you loved us.\u2019<\/p>\n Pa looked puzzled.\u00a0 After a moment, he said, \u2018The minute I first laid eyes on you.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You knew as soon as you saw us?\u2019<\/p>\n Ben nodded slowly.<\/p>\n Something unpleasant was constricting Adam\u2019s throat.\u00a0 Joe looked terrible, almost grey against his pillows, the smudged circles of his eyes like dark bruises.<\/p>\n \u2018That\u2019s what I felt,\u2019 he whispered.<\/p>\n Anywhere but here, thought Adam to himself. I don\u2019t want to hear him say this. But he could not move.<\/p>\n \u2018I picked her up.\u2019\u00a0 Joe\u2019s sunken eyes turned inwards. \u2018She was so small.\u00a0 So tiny.\u00a0 So perfect.\u00a0 I just couldn\u2019t believe she could be mine!\u2019<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s face did not move but for a little muscle that twitched just below his ear. A waxen doll, grey and without life.\u00a0 He had thought he was holding Joe\u2019s dead baby.<\/p>\n \u2018I just wanted to protect her,\u2019 said Joe.<\/p>\n She had weighed almost nothing.\u00a0 She had been lying uncovered in the rough wooden crate, dressed only in a few dirty rags.\u00a0 He had not known what to do.\u00a0 Although she was clearly dead, he had wrapped her gently in a tattered square of rough wool, as though he could still warm her matchstick limbs and give her comfort that way.<\/p>\n \u2018I picked her up,\u2019 whispered Joe, \u2018and I fell in love with her.\u2019 He closed his eyes, too late to prevent the tears escaping.<\/p>\n \u2018Joe, come here.\u2019\u00a0 Ben reached forward and pulled his youngest boy toward him.\u00a0 Adam watched his arms embrace Joe\u2019s lean frame, heard the husky sob in his brother\u2019s throat, and felt a familiar stab of helplessness.\u00a0 Why could Pa reach out to Joe like that, and yet he, Adam, could not? \u00a0Could not manage a single comforting thing to say.<\/p>\n It\u2019ll be all right.<\/p>\n You\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n We\u2019ll work it out.<\/p>\n He could not have spoken now even if he had been able to think of something meaningful to say.\u00a0 Joe, face buried against Pa\u2019s shoulder, was weeping as though his heart was breaking.\u00a0 His grief was like an aching wound in Adam\u2019s chest, but the tears on Pa\u2019s cheeks hurt him most.<\/p>\n He turned away swiftly to hide his own face and made for the door. The landing was in merciful darkness.\u00a0 He leant back against the wall and drew some deep breaths to try and steady his racing heart and his bruised emotions, but he could still hear Joe\u2019s heaving sobs.\u00a0 The vision of his father\u2019s tears made his throat swell ominously.<\/p>\n \u2018Adam?\u2019 Hoss\u2019s big shadow loomed in the doorway.<\/p>\n Adam forced his face back under control.<\/p>\n \u2018You all right?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam stared at the darkness.\u00a0 For a moment he said nothing. \u00a0Then he cleared his throat and shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018You know, Hoss… when I picked up that baby, I thought it was…\u2019\u00a0 His voice cracked dangerously and he paused to draw another deep breath.\u00a0 \u2018I thought it was Joe\u2019s.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I guess we all did.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 \u2018She sure was tiny, wa\u2019n\u2019t she?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018And then, when we found out she wasn\u2019t, there was this immense relief. And I don\u2019t know why.\u00a0 I mean, she was no less dead, was she?\u00a0 It was just knowing there was no blood tie, no real responsibility on our part.\u00a0 Like it wasn\u2019t our tragedy after all.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u2018Yeah, I know.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018How did we get it so wrong?\u2019 Adam pressed his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.\u00a0 Fighting the tightness in his throat was making his chest hurt. \u2018All the time, we thought Joe would be relieved that she wasn\u2019t his; that he was off the hook. That she wasn\u2019t his responsibility after all.\u00a0 None of us stopped to think even for a moment that he might be sorry about that.\u00a0 That he might have fallen in love with her.\u00a0 That losing her was what was really messing him up.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah.\u2019 Hoss\u2019s voice had an unfamiliar huskiness about it too.\u00a0 \u2018Guess we sold him short, huh?\u2019<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t trust himself to speak again.\u00a0 He nodded his head silently in the darkness.\u00a0 Hoss, still silhouetted in the light from Joe\u2019s doorway, shifted his broad bulk and Adam felt a big hand clasp his arm.\u00a0 \u2018Hey, Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t move. \u00a0Hoss took his hand away but the next moment Adam felt it round his shoulder.\u00a0 He neck muscles stiffened involuntarily, but he didn\u2019t move away.\u00a0 Instead he raised his own arm and returned the gesture with a clumsy hug.\u00a0 It felt strangely comforting.<\/p>\n \u2018Little Joe\u2019s gonna be a\u2019right,\u2019 said Hoss. \u00a0Adam couldn\u2019t see the expression on Hoss’s face, but he could detect the trace of an optimistic smile in his brother\u2019s voice. \u2018He ain\u2019t gonna have no choice with the three of us houndin\u2019 him, is he?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018You better not let Joe hear you say that!\u2019\u00a0 Adam forced a laugh into his words.\u00a0 Like the hug, it felt good.\u00a0 \u2018Last thing he wants, the three of us on his back.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Naw,\u2019 said Hoss.\u00a0 \u2018That\u2019s what he says, but he\u2019d miss us if we weren\u2019t here!\u2019<\/p>\n *******<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Chapter 12<\/strong><\/p>\n Adam crossed from the barn to the house, whistling softly to himself as he went.\u00a0 When he reached the porch he stopped and his lips twitched.\u00a0 Even through the thick planks of the door, he could hear Hoss\u2019s loud protests and Joe\u2019s high-pitched laughter.<\/p>\n He pushed open the door.\u00a0 An aggrieved Hoss stood across the room from him, back to the fireplace.\u00a0 Pa, with his back to the door, had a large pair of forceps in his hand, and Joe lay on the sofa, still propped by pillows, and wrapped in a blanket.\u00a0 Despite the fact that his face was still too pale and a shade too thin, he was laughing, and the shadows had faded from his eyes.<\/p>\n Adam looked between them all. \u2018What\u2019s going on?\u2019<\/p>\n Joe twisted his head to the door.\u00a0 \u2018Oh, Adam, you\u2019re back.\u2019 He gave another giggle.\u00a0 \u2018It\u2019s Hoss.\u00a0 That chestnut with the mean eyes, he tossed big brother here right outa the saddle and onto the fence.\u00a0 Now he\u2019s got a great big sliver of fence post wedged in his backside an\u2019 he won\u2019t let Pa pull it out.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss looked to his older brother for sympathy. \u2018It ain\u2019t no laughin\u2019 matter, Adam.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Come on, Hoss.\u2019\u00a0 There was no mistaking the enjoyment Pa was extracting from Hoss\u2019s dilemma and Joe\u2019s amusement.\u00a0 \u2018Let\u2019s just get it over and done with. \u00a0I\u2019ll whip it out quick.\u00a0 You won\u2019t feel a thing.\u2019<\/p>\n Hoss gave a grudging nod at Joe. \u2018Not with that little banshee giggling fit to bust you ain\u2019t.\u2019\u00a0 He reached forward and snatched the forceps from Pa\u2019s hand and limped painfully towards the stairs. \u2018I\u2019ll do it myself!\u2019<\/p>\n Pa tried to sound reasonable.\u00a0 \u2018You can\u2019t do it yourself.\u00a0 You can\u2019t see what you\u2019re doing.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yeah, well.\u2019\u00a0 Hoss stuck out his jaw.\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m gonna find me a mirror.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe gave another squeak of laughter.\u00a0 \u2018Better be a big mirror! \u00a0Ow!\u00a0 Don\u2019t make me laugh.\u00a0 It hurts!\u2019\u00a0 Clutching at his wounded side, he fell back in another fit of giggling.\u00a0 Pa started to laugh too.\u00a0 Adam looked between the two of them and his mouth turned up in a smile.\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t Hoss\u2019s predicament that brought the grin to his face.\u00a0 He looked across at Hoss, who was standing at the foot of the stairs wearing an injured expression, and rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n \u2018Like a couple of kids!\u2019 he sighed, in mock despair. \u00a0He crossed to join his brother by the stairs.\u00a0 \u2018Come on, Hoss, I\u2019ll lend you a hand.\u2019<\/p>\n He put a hand on Hoss\u2019s arm to move him up the stairs.\u00a0 Together they glanced back at Joe and Pa, still giggling like schoolboys together, then they looked back at each other, and a slow smile spread across Hoss\u2019s face and lit up his gentle blue eyes.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t speak.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t need to.\u00a0 Adam knew what he meant.<\/p>\n They were going to be all right.<\/p>\n The End<\/em><\/p>\n *******<\/p>\n Thanks for reading.\u00a0 If you enjoyed this story, please consider leaving a review, however short.\u00a0 I’m always pleased to receive comments via PM too.<\/em><\/p>\n