Summary: The Cartwright brothers compete against one another on Virginia City’s newest game show.<\/p>\n
Rating: T\u00a0\u00a0 Word Count: 1717<\/p>\n
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THE DATING GAME<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Good evening everyone and welcome to the Virginia City premier of The Dating Game! <\/strong>I\u2019m your host, Bob Weebanks, and let\u2019s meet our contestants.<\/strong><\/p>\n Bachelor #1 is a rancher with a triple major in Humanities, Engineering, and Architecture, also a double minor in Philosophy and Art History from an unnamed but allegedly renowned university back East. He enjoys woodworking, playing guitar, singing, and his newest passion, Wordle. How he\u2019s managed to stay single this long is anyone\u2019s guess. Please welcome Adam Cartwright!<\/strong><\/p>\n Bachelor #2 is also a rancher, pursuing his continuing education in Animal Husbandry online through Texas A&M. The way to his heart is a home-cooked meal, but please don\u2019t serve him cheese! His hobbies are arm wrestling and bullfighting. He loves kittens, puppies, elephants \u2013 animals of all kinds, except sheep \u2013 and is a friend to everyone. You know him, you love him \u2013 Hoss Cartwright!<\/strong><\/p>\n Now, isn\u2019t that odd? Any relation? Brothers, well, what a coincidence. All right, let\u2019s meet our third contestant.<\/strong><\/p>\n Bachelor #3 is again, a rancher (seems to be a popular vocation around here), entrepreneur, and former Pony Express rider. He\u2019s a fixture on the Virginia City social scene who enjoys poker, horse racing, moonlight walks, and kissing (without telling, of course). He currently owns the top spot on the Rancher\u2019s Almanac Ten Most Beautiful list for Sexiest Hair. Let\u2019s meet Joe Cartwright!<\/strong><\/p>\n Could this be another brother? Really? Well, folks this looks to be a very interesting evening ahead! Let\u2019s get started by bringing out our lovely Bachelorette:<\/strong><\/p>\n She\u2019s a small town girl from upstate New York, visiting relatives in Nevada on her way to California. An admitted beauty school dropout with no marketable skills, she hopes to become an actress someday. Her hobbies are modeling, elocution, and stamp collecting. She loves Italian food and Coke Zero, and her guilty pleasure is a Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha Latte. Please welcome \u2013 Mary Ann Marie!<\/strong><\/p>\n Applause applause applause\u2026<\/i><\/p>\n Bob: Now Mary Ann, have a seat. We have a very unusual lineup of contestants tonight, and you\u2019re going to be choosing one of three eligible Bachelor Brothers for your dream date. Good luck!<\/p>\n MAM: Thank you, Mr. Weebanks. Okay, Bachelor #1 \u2013 I\u2019m new to Virginia City. If you could only show me one thing to impress me, what would it be, and why?<\/p>\n Adam: I would give you a grand tour of the Ponderosa. The size alone is impressive, but it\u2019s also quite beautiful. Seeing it for the first time is something you\u2019ll never forget.<\/p>\n MAM: Mm, that does sound grand. #2?<\/p>\n Hoss: I\u2019d take you on a picnic to one of my favorite spots on our ranch that only a few people know about. It\u2019s so pretty and peaceful you\u2019ll feel like you\u2019re in another world, but you\u2019d be right at home with me. I\u2019d see to that.<\/p>\n MAM: How lovely, thank you. #3, what\u2019s your answer?<\/p>\n Joe: I\u2019d show you my horse, and take you on the ride of your life.<\/p>\n MAM: Is he very fast?<\/p>\n Joe: As fast or as slow as you want, Miss Mary Ann. Either way you\u2019ll have something to remember when you leave Nevada, I guarantee.<\/p>\n MAM: Oh my\u2026.<\/p>\n Bob: Mary Ann, next question?<\/p>\n MAM: Yes, of course. #1, if you could sum up your love life in one word, what would it be?<\/p>\n Adam: Unproductive.<\/p>\n MAM: #2?<\/p>\n Hoss: Disappointing.<\/p>\n MAM: #3?<\/p>\n Joe: Predictable.<\/p>\n MAM: I\u2019m sorry. Well, let\u2019s move on. #1 \u2013 what\u2019s your best physical feature? Don\u2019t be shy.<\/p>\n Adam: Probably my eyes, though I\u2019ve been told I have nice dimples.<\/p>\n MAM: #2?<\/p>\n Hoss: I\u2019d have to say my size. I\u2019m a pretty big fella, which comes in handy sometimes.<\/p>\n MAM: #3?<\/p>\n Joe: Definitely my hair.<\/p>\n Adam, grumbling: It practically has its own fan club.<\/p>\n MAM: Next question. I collect stamps. #1, what do you collect?<\/p>\n Adam: Books.<\/p>\n MAM: #2?<\/p>\n Hoss: Well, I had a bird nest collection when I was a kid, but these days I mostly collect strays, animals and people.<\/p>\n MAM: How do you do that?<\/p>\n Hoss: I reckon we just sorta find each other.<\/p>\n MAM: Interesting. #3?<\/p>\n Joe: I collect money from people who owe it to me.<\/p>\n MAM: That makes sense. Now, since you\u2019re all brothers, I\u2019m going to ask you some questions about each other. #3, what are #1\u2019s best and worst attributes?<\/p>\n Joe: Well, he\u2019s smart, disciplined, neat…he\u2019s also stubborn, bossy, and sometimes boring.<\/p>\n MAM: #1, how would you describe #3?<\/p>\n Adam: Quick-thinking, creative, resilient…also lazy, impulsive, and frequently vain.<\/p>\n MAM: #2, do you agree with them?<\/p>\n Hoss: I reckon there\u2019s a grain of truth on both sides, but there\u2019s a lot more good they didn\u2019t mention, and they know it as well as I do.<\/p>\n MAM: Thank you, #2. That tells me plenty.<\/p>\n Bob: I think we have time for one more quick question, Mary Ann.<\/p>\n MAM: All right. If you were a father with a daughter leaving home, what advice would you give her, #1?<\/p>\n Adam: Beware of wolves in sheep\u2019s clothing.<\/p>\n MAM: #2?<\/p>\n Hoss: Don\u2019t judge people by appearances.<\/p>\n MAM: #3?<\/p>\n Joe: Never let anyone talk you into wearing a blue dress.<\/p>\n MAM: What\u2019s wrong with a blue dress?<\/p>\n Bob: Oh, I\u2019m afraid our time is up. Mary Ann, you now have a choice to make. Based on their answers, will it be Bachelor #1, Bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?<\/p>\n MAM: They all sounded nice, but my heart is telling me to go with #2.<\/p>\n Applause…<\/i><\/p>\n Bob: Congratulations #2! All right, let\u2019s meet the other brothers:<\/p>\n #1 is the oldest of the three and has been named Virginia City\u2019s most eligible bachelor for the past ten years. He\u2019s a formally educated renaissance man and part owner of the Ponderosa Ranch who likes his bacon crisp \u2013 Adam Cartwright!<\/p>\n Applause\u2026<\/i><\/p>\n MAM: You do have nice dimples!<\/p>\n Bob: #3, the youngest brother and heir to the Ponderosa empire, is a wildly popular man about town and community organizer. He is admired for his skills as a horse breaker and trick rider and hopes to open a Bed and Breakfast someday \u2013 Joe Cartwright!<\/p>\n Applause…<\/i><\/p>\n MAM: I love your hair \u2013 it looks so shiny and manageable!<\/p>\n Bob: Now it\u2019s time to meet your dream date, Mary Ann. Are you ready?<\/p>\n MAM: Oh yes!<\/p>\n Bob: As you\u2019ve already surmised, #2 is the middle brother, sometimes referred to as the heart and soul of the Ponderosa. Known and loved throughout Virginia City for his easy-going personality and tempered strength, he received the Citizen of the Year award for delivering a colt and a friend\u2019s baby at the same time. A giant of a man with gentle ways, when he talks people listen because, well, you can guess why. Let\u2019s bring him out now \u2013 Hoss Cartwright!<\/p>\n MAM: Oh…my…stars\u2026. You are a big fellow\u2026!<\/p>\n Hoss: Are you all right, Miss Mary Ann?<\/p>\n MAM craning her neck to smile at him<\/i>: Yes, I just had a moment. I\u2019m fine now.<\/p>\n Bob opening an envelope<\/i>: All right, let\u2019s see what the producers have in store for the two of you. Mary Ann and Hoss, get ready to enjoy an all expenses paid weekend at the brand new Harrah\u2019s in Reno! Accommodations include two courtyard rooms and with private baths, plus meals in the hotel as well as in-room service by Lundberg Catering. But that\u2019s not all! On Saturday night you\u2019ll have front row seating for the opening performance of Lotta Crabtree\u2019s New San Francisco Revue. Round trip transportation provided by Wells Fargo. How does that sound?<\/p>\n MAM: It sounds wonderful. Hoss, is there something wrong? You keep looking at me funny.<\/p>\n Hoss: Well, Miss Mary Ann, first let me say you\u2019re just about the cutest little gal I\u2019ve ever seen and I\u2019m real proud you picked me, but the sooner we get you out of that dress, the better.<\/p>\n Joe: Just what I was thinking.<\/p>\n MAM: I beg your pardon, sir!<\/p>\n Hoss: Oh, no that\u2019s not what I mean! I mean you should put on a different one.<\/p>\n MAM: You don\u2019t like it? I bought it especially for tonight.<\/p>\n Hoss: It\u2019s real pretty, just the wrong color.<\/p>\n MAM: But blue is my favorite.<\/p>\n Adam: Maybe we can find her something in wardrobe, temporarily at least.<\/p>\n Bob: Well, that\u2019s our show for tonight folks. Until next time\u2026.<\/p>\n Bob mimes a farewell kiss to the audience as the Cartwrights escort a bewildered Mary Ann from the stage. <\/i><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Two Weeks Later<\/strong><\/p>\n Joe: Well, did Mary Ann get off okay?<\/p>\n Hoss: Yep, I put her on the stage to San Francisco this mornin\u2019. She\u2019s determined to try to make it on her own in the big city.<\/p>\n Joe: She\u2019s got spunk, I\u2019ll give her that. Sorry it didn\u2019t work out between you two.<\/p>\n Adam: So am I. She\u2019s a lovely girl, one who could turn the world on with a smile.<\/p>\n Hoss: She sure ain\u2019t ugly.<\/p>\n Adam: If you don\u2019t mind my saying so, you don\u2019t seem too broken up over her leaving. I thought you liked her. Didn\u2019t you enjoy your date?<\/p>\n Hoss: Yeah, we had a good time.<\/p>\n Joe: But not too good a time, I take it.<\/p>\n Hoss: We mostly just talked, you know, gettin\u2019 to know each other. She talked about her family in New York; her folks, her cousins, her great-grandpa who served under George Washington; her boyfriend who joined the priesthood; her best friend from beauty school; her voice teacher, her acting coach; some lady she met on the train from somewhere, and how she thought she lost her luggage but it wasn\u2019t really lost, and something about a feathered hat…or maybe it was a fluffy cat. I\u2019m not sure. I was half asleep by then. And that was just on the way to Reno.<\/p>\n Joe: Hoo boy, my ears are ringing just from listening to you tell it.<\/p>\n Hoss: If that had been the only thing, I think we coulda worked around that. But there was another problem.<\/p>\n Adam: And what was that?<\/p>\n Hoss: Well, she ain\u2019t no bigger than a match stick, and every time I got close to her I was worried I was gonna squash her like a lady bug. It hurt my head to have to think about it all the time. It just wasn\u2019t meant to be, that\u2019s all.<\/p>\n Adam: Ah, sorry big guy.<\/p>\n Hoss: Dadburnit, sometimes size does matter!<\/p>\n Joe: It\u2019s not like no one\u2019s ever said it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n END<\/p>\n