Summary: \u00a0Thieves invade the Ponderosa, setting devastating events into motion. Now Little Joe struggles to find a way to get over what happened to him that horrible night. Rating T, WC 36,000 Part one, links to stories in the series included within.<\/p>\n
Every Purpose Under Heaven Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n Every Purpose Under Heaven<\/a> <\/p>\n Every Purpose Under Heaven<\/strong><\/p>\n Chapter One : A Time To Mourn, And A Time To Dance<\/em><\/p>\n Adam Cartwright stood dead center<\/strong> amidst total chaos. How he ever let himself be talked into being in charge of the Fireman\u2019s Dance was beyond his comprehension. He thought back to the day that the idea had been first brought up and remembered now how his little brother had egged him into it. Yes, it was Little Joe\u2019s idea all along. He was always big on ideas, but fast with passing the buck when it came to work being involved. Adam stared around the dance hall and saw Hop Sing scurrying all over trying to set up the refreshments. Hop Sing had been another one that Joe had \u201cvolunteered\u201d without his knowledge or approval. Adam sighed and looked over the list of sheet music he would need to get ready before the guests started to appear. He was in charge of the set up along with the musical entertainment. Joe being only in charge of squiring around the prettiest girls in Virginia City.<\/p>\n Adam moved some tables to suit Hop Sing\u2019s demands and grabbed a cookie. He deserved something for all of his hard work. He thought again of his little brother. Joe had purchased a new suit for the occasion and was probably home trying it on at the moment. When it came to humility, Joe had none. Or at least that was Adam\u2019s opinion of his brother. Yet, despite all of his youthful pranks and irritating ways, Adam couldn\u2019t help but be amused by his brother\u2019s ability to get his own way about things. Joe used his winning smile to totally disarm anyone who had a gripe with him. It had always been that way, and probably always would continue.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing, let\u2019s go get the other tablecloths from the mercantile. Then we can set up the last two tables and at least that one chore will be done.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMister Adam, Hop Sing know what to do. You take care of your chores, Hop Sing take care of his!\u201d He replied and hurried out of the room.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna get you for this, Joe.\u201d Adam remarked out loud and continued with his responsibilities. Still two hours before the dance was to begin, and still so much to get accomplished. Adam made a mental note to put his little brother on the clean-up roster.<\/p>\n Adjusting his back string tie, Joe stared at himself in the bedroom mirror. An egotistical grin creased the corners of his mouth. He reveled in the good looks that reflected back at him. Joe knew he was handsome, and now, in the new suit he had just purchased, there was no denying his charm. The suit was a blend of silk and cotton and had found its way all the way from San Francisco. It had been tailor made to fit him perfectly. Joe grinned again at the thought of how the well-cut suit would attract the many girls in town who were waiting the chance to have a dance with the youngest of the Cartwrights. Joe hoped to give each one of those girls an ample opportunity to spend some time with him.<\/p>\n Dousing himself with Bay Rum cologne, Joe studied the perfect placement of each curl which graced his head. He had argued with his father over whether or not he needed a haircut, and this time had won that battle. Joe liked to wear his hair long, so that it framed his face and crept down past the nape of his neck. Finally, having everything about him just as perfect as possible, Joe reached for his black suitcoat. He shrugged into it and once more looked at himself in the mirror. Now he was ready! Ready for an evening of dancing and laughing, and maybe a few stolen kisses. Joe thought for a moment on why his appearance was so important to him. He knew that he would never in life be as smart as his brother Adam, nor as strong as his brother Hoss. None of that really mattered at the present. Joe knew that when it came to the Cartwright\u2019s attributes, he had been gifted with more than his share of stunning good looks.<\/p>\n The eyes of both Ben and Hoss Cartwright were on Joe as he made his grand entrance coming down the staircase. Joe could see that the suit was already starting to make a great impression.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t he look purdy?\u201d Hoss chided as Joe approached.<\/p>\n \u201cVery funny.\u201d Joe returned and jabbed at his brother\u2019s ribs playfully.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tease him, Hoss. He looks very nice.\u201d Ben corrected as he walked over to his youngest son and inspected the suit. \u201cWell, for what you paid for it, I hope that it serves its purpose tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe smirked at both of his family members and replied, \u201cI\u2019ll have to beat the women off of me with a stick!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s what I like about you, Little Brother. You are humble.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. Hey\u2014why don\u2019t you and Pa change your minds and come along? I\u2019ll find some women for both of you.\u201d Joe teased as he walked over to the hat rack and took down a new black hat to go with his ensemble.<\/p>\n \u201cNo thanks. We just got back from Sacramento two hours ago. We\u2019ll probably be in bed before you even get to Virginia City.\u201d Hoss answered, starting to yawn from exhaustion.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you are gonna miss one heck of a dance.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you will too, Joseph. That is if you don\u2019t stop kidding around and get riding.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared at the grandfather clock by the front door and whistled through his teeth. \u201cGee, it is getting late. Gotta run. I\u2019ll tell you all about my adventures tomorrow at breakfast. That is if I\u2019m home by then!\u201d Joe laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou better be home a whole lot earlier than that.\u201d Ben warned his youngest son.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Sir.\u201d Joe replied obediently. He reached for the doorknob just as the front door flew open. It was then that all hell broke out.<\/p>\n Four men with guns drawn burst into the Ponderosa ranch house. Hoss moved from his place on the settee and charged toward them. A single gunshot rang out and when the smoke died down Hoss lay sprawled on the living room floor. Joe was forced by one of the men up against the wall, while Ben\u2019s attempt to check Hoss\u2019 wound was met by a pistol blow to the back of his head. Joe watched in horror as two of his family members were now crumpled bodies on the floor. He fought with all his might to break free of the large man who held him relentlessly. Joe prayed that Hoss\u2019 wound had not been fatal. He also worried about whether the crack on the head had killed his father.<\/p>\n \u201cGet them up and over to the sofa.\u201d One of the men yelled and both Hoss and Ben were dragged over by the coffee table and almost thrown together on the settee.<\/p>\n \u201cAre they dead?\u201d The man who had issued the order to move the bodies asked.<\/p>\n \u201cNaw\u2014but the big one is bleeding pretty bad.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCliff, you and Williams go outside and stand guard.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo need for that. All the hands are gone.\u201d Cliff protested as he drank from the brandy decanter he had stolen from off Ben\u2019s desk.<\/p>\n \u201cI said move!\u201d The man in charge yelled.<\/p>\n The two men left the house taking positions out by the front porch as they had been instructed. The one in charge walked over to the fireplace and lit a cigar from the flames. \u201cBring the kid over here where I can see him.\u201d He ordered and Joe was dragged across the room.<\/p>\n \u201cYou got a name, kid?\u201d He asked and Joe looked over at him viciously, wishing he could kill him with his eyes. Joe just stood there in front of the man refusing to dignify his question with an answer. \u201cHow about I do some more shooting? Will that get you to answer me?\u201d The man pointed the gun towards Ben, who was just starting to come around.<\/p>\n \u201cCartwright, Joe Cartwright.\u201d Joe caved in to the request worried that the man would make good on his threat.<\/p>\n \u201cNice to meet you, Joe. My name is Cade, and this here is my associate Sam. We need some place to spend the night. You don\u2019t mind us staying here, now do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLeave us alone!\u201d Joe yelled, he knew the evil that stood before him. He could see the prison attire that the four men wore. They were convicts and they were deadly, and Joe knew it would take a miracle to survive the plans that they had for all of the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s vision cleared slowly and the first picture to come into full view was his son Hoss unconscious next to him. He saw the gunshot wound that had torn through the big man\u2019s shoulder. Ben reached over to look at it as Cade approached the settee.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019ll live.\u201d Cade said with an absence of emotion.<\/p>\n \u201cHe needs a doctor!\u201d Ben protested loudly.<\/p>\n \u201cNo deal.\u201d Cade replied and turned toward his friend Sam. \u201cGo get the old man something to put over the wound. Then get the boys out there to bring us in some rope.\u201d<\/p>\n Sam walked toward the kitchen and came back with a couple of dishcloths and handed them to Ben. Cade could see that Joe was ready to make a fool hardy attempt to jump him from behind. He saw the move before it happened and spun around and pointed his gun at Joe\u2019s abdomen. \u201cNow, Joe. Don\u2019t make me kill you, okay? I\u2019m trying real hard to be friendly and all. Look I even got the ox doctored.\u201d He pointed back to Ben who was stuffing the cloths into Hoss\u2019 shoulder wound. \u201cIt would be a pure shame to kill you, Boy.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben gave his youngest son a look of caution and Joe refrained from moving toward Cade.<\/p>\n After a few moments Sam came in with the rope. One by one he tied both Ben and Hoss\u2019 hands behind them. Hoss did not move, and Ben was afraid to struggle and risk the lives of his two sons.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about the kid?\u201d Sam asked moving over to Joe who still stood in front of the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll take care of him.\u201d Cade smiled and walked back to face Joe. \u201cHey, Joe\u2014I see you are all dressed up. Were you planning on going somewhere tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe did not answer until he saw Cade\u2019s gun point back over toward his father and brother.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, how many times do I have to tell you? This is my game we are playing now. Now the rules are that you answer all my questions and these two don\u2019t get shot. You understand now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. I understand.\u201d Joe barely whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay. Now first of all, who are these two? Are they your kin?\u201d Cade continued.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s my father and that\u2019s my brother.\u201d Joe pointed over to each of them. Ben looked over at Joe and his heart went out to the boy. He hated to see the mind game that Cade was playing with his son. Ben knew he could do nothing to stop it, other than to pray.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay\u2014your father got a name?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBen Cartwright.\u201d Joe replied again.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd the ox over there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHis name is Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n Both Cade and Sam laughed at the sound of the big man\u2019s name and then Cade continued. \u201cSo, tell me where you were headed tonight Joe?\u201d Cade asked and sank down in Ben\u2019s blue chair. He kept a steady trigger finger on his gun.<\/p>\n \u201cTo a dance in Virginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh really? Sure is a pure shame that you are gonna miss it! And that suit\u2014is it new?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, it\u2019s new.\u201d Joe fought back his anger as he answered once again.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it looks very nice on you.\u201d Cade remarked and stood back up. \u201cWe need to get that coat off of you before we tie you up. Wouldn\u2019t want to mess that nice new suit up, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared over at his father, the child deep inside of himself wanting Ben to do something. But the man in him knew that there was nothing Ben could do to stop what was happening. Joe pulled off his coat.<\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2014\u201d Cade reached out to take it from Joe. \u201cI\u2019ll make sure it stays nice and neat. I\u2019m sure there will be plenty of other dances to go to in the future.\u201d Cade tossed the coat on the back of the chair and then signaled for Sam to hand him the rope. \u201cTurn around, I need to tie you up.\u201d He instructed and Joe did as he was told. Cade tied Joe\u2019s hands tightly behind his back and then pointed for him to sit down on the coffee table.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Joe, you got a special lady friend you were going to this dance with?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d Joe spat his reply out.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014you playing the field then? Giving all the girls their chance, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked down at the floor. The questions that Cade asked were getting on his nerves and he wanted to yell. He stared over at his father and brother and shook his head helplessly.<\/p>\n \u201cI asked you a question.\u201d Cade reminded his hostage.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. I\u2019m playing the field. So, what\u2019s it to you? Why does my personal life intrigue you so much?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust trying to get to know you better. That\u2019s all. No need to get all riled up.\u201d Cade said and put his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder. Joe cringed at the man\u2019s touch.<\/p>\n \u201cLook over here, Cade! It\u2019s a safe! You reckon there\u2019s any money in it?\u201d Sam called from Ben\u2019s study.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s ask Joe. So, is there any money in there, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat else do you keep in a safe?\u201d Joe replied, with heavy sarcasm.<\/p>\n Cade laughed and patted Joe on the back. \u201cI like you, Joe. You have a great sense of humor!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLeave him alone!\u201d Ben yelled, having witnessed enough of the game that Cade was playing with Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cOld Man, you just sit there and shut up! If you open that mouth again I am gonna finish off the ox\u2014and I might even finish off Joe as well.\u201d Cade warned and pointed at each of Ben\u2019s sons with his gun. Ben fought back the words he longed to say to the vicious man who stood before him. He couldn\u2019t risk getting his sons shot, so he kept still.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, let\u2019s you and me take a walk over to that safe, shall we?\u201d Cade pulled Joe up by his arms. They made their way to the safe which stood behind Ben\u2019s desk. Sam was on the floor waiting for the combination. Joe shot a glance back at his father. Ben nodded for Joe to do whatever he had to do to keep all of them alive. Their only hope being the fact that Joe had not made it to the dance. Adam would surely figure there was something amiss and come to find out what had happened. That was Ben\u2019s only thought at the time.<\/p>\n \u201cTwo times to the right to twenty.\u201d Joe started and Sam turned the dial. \u201cThree times to the left forty-two. Then once around to zero.\u201d<\/p>\n The safe clicked and Sam drew back the heavy steel door. He reached inside and was excited to see a satchel that contained more than two thousand dollars.<\/p>\n \u201cBonanza!\u201d Sam yelled and handed it to Cade. Cade turned and looked at Joe again.<\/p>\n \u201cGood job, Boy. Now what is all this money doing here instead of in a bank?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPayroll. We pay the men at the end of the month.\u201d Joe replied angered at all the hard work that it had taken to earn the two thousand dollars.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, the men will have to wait till next month looks like!\u201d Cade laughed and pushed Joe back over to the fireplace. Joe sat down again on the coffee table facing his family members. Hoss stirred a moment and Ben looked to see if he was regaining consciousness. Hoss turned his head and fell back off into the void where he was unaware of the awful situation that had befallen the Cartwright family.<\/p>\n \u201cSam\u2014look around for some valuables. Just take what will be easy to sell.\u201d Cade instructed and Sam searched around in Ben\u2019s study first.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve got the money from the safe! Now why don\u2019t you all just leave? I\u2019m sure there\u2019s a posse out after you. Be smart and get out of here while you can.\u201d Joe cautioned hoping to get them all to leave.<\/p>\n \u201cYou worried about me, Joe? That is very touching. But, I\u2019m not ready to leave yet. Besides, you and I haven\u2019t finished our game!\u201d Cade laughed maniacally.<\/p>\n \u201cCade! Look at these frames! They are pure gold!\u201d Sam shouted excited by his find. He brought over the three pictures of Ben\u2019s wives and set them on the coffee table next to Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cBeautiful women! Who are they, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t touch them!\u201d Joe yelled at the man. He could not stand the thought of such filth touching the beloved memories of the three Cartwright wives. And he stared in particular at the one baring the image of his own mother.<\/p>\n \u201cThe game, Joe.\u201d Cade warned.<\/p>\n \u201cThey were my father\u2019s wives.\u201d Joe answered sullenly and shot his father a pathetic glance.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014I bet this one was your mother!\u2019 Cade exclaimed and held up Marie\u2019s picture. \u201cMy God, Boy! You look so much like her, it\u2019s uncanny.\u201d Cade stroked the image with his fingers. Joe could not stand that violation, hands tied or not. He lunged toward Cade, but again, Cade saw it coming and grabbed Joe by the collar of his shirt and pushed him back down on the coffee table. Ben witnessed the eruption and fought the desire to assist his son. He knew it would be a losing battle. One that would get all of them killed.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t try that again.\u201d Cade warned. \u201cNow\u2014as I was saying. You look like her, but something\u2019s not quite right with your hair.\u201d Cade grabbed a fist full of hair from the back of Joe\u2019s head, where it fell down his collar. Joe grimaced in pain as the man pulled tighter. \u201cSam, hand me your knife.\u201d Cade called to his partner. Sam opened the blade to his pocketknife and handed it to Cade. In one swift move, Cade chopped off a good three inches of Joe\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n \u201cThere!\u201d Cade laughed and tossed the hank of hair into the fireplace. The room filled with the pungent odor of burning hair. \u201cNow you look more like your ma, Joe!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe determined that no matter what Cade did to him he would not cry, no matter how badly he wanted to. That was the one thing he wouldn\u2019t get from him. He refused to give the man the satisfaction of knowing he was hurt in any way. Cade sat back down in the chair and stared over at Joe. He could see the boy\u2019s jaw tense up, trying to control his anger.<\/p>\n \u201cAw\u2014you ain\u2019t mad with me are you, Joe? I think you look just fine now\u2014just fine. You even look more handsome than you did when we first broke in here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGo to Hell.\u201d Joe replied viciously. He was wearing thin now. He looked over at Ben and his father could tell by the look in his eyes that it wouldn\u2019t be long before Joe would absolutely explode from within.<\/p>\n \u201cHow you coming, Sam?\u201d Cade called up to the man who had gone upstairs to loot more Cartwright possessions. The man was soon back down with two pillowcases full of items. He met Cade in the living room.<\/p>\n \u201cWe got more stuff than we ever thought we would from here. Why don\u2019t we just take the loot and get outta here before someone comes?\u201d Sam was starting to get worried. He was not sure just how far ahead of the law they were now.<\/p>\n \u201cSoon, we have to let the horses rest a little more first. Go tell the boys to check the barn. See if there\u2019s better horses in there than ours. If there is, then saddle them. We\u2019ll leave in an hour.\u201d Cade instructed and Sam walked outside carrying his looted items.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Joe. I know that\u2019s got to make you happy, right? You glad to see we\u2019ll be going soon?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, very happy.\u201d Joe nodded and shot the man a deadly gaze. \u201cLet me guess. You are gonna kill us all anyway, right?\u201d<\/p>\n Cade laughed and announced, \u201cJoe, I thought you and I was friends? How can you even think that?\u201d<\/p>\n Sam walked back into the house and over to his partner once again. \u201cThe boys are getting the horses all watered and saddled. What now?\u201d<\/p>\n Cade stood<\/strong> and walked directly in front of Joe. He stared down at him for a moment deep in thought. Then, he walked over to the dining room. He turned the doorknob to the room which sat just off to the left. Cade walked inside the room and then smiled as a thought came to his mind. He lit a lamp in the room and walked back out. He looked at Sam and the other man read in Cade\u2019s wild eyes what he had planned for Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cBring Joe over here, Sam.\u201d Cade said coldly and Sam reached down and pulled the boy up by his arms. Joe had no idea what the plan was and why he was being dragged over to the dining room. Cade took Joe from Sam and pushed him into the bedroom. He turned back for a moment and said to Sam, \u201cDon\u2019t disturb us, Joe and I have more of our game to play.\u201d Then he shut the door.<\/p>\n Adam Cartwright stepped down off of the platform which had been constructed for the musicians. It was time for a much-needed break. The dance had been going on for more than two hours now and still he had yet to spot his little brother. As Adam walked over to sample the punch, yet another girl approached him and asked where Joe was. He simply shrugged his shoulders non-committal and reached for a glass cup. Adam surveyed the room starting to get a knot in his stomach. He knew that nothing would have kept Joe from coming to this dance and that nothing would have prevented Joe from showing off his new expensive suit. At that very moment, Roy Coffee made his entrance into the large dance hall and sought out the oldest Cartwright brother.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, looks like you all got one heck of a turn out for your dance.\u201d Roy smiled and Adam handed the sheriff something to drink. \u201cLooks like the entire town showed up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2014but not my baby brother. And to think he was the one who roped me into all of this in the first place!\u2019 Adam returned frustrated.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere do you think he is?\u201d Roy asked concerned with the other information that he was about to pass on to Adam.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t know, Roy. Unless his horse threw a shoe or something. Joe was so eager to show off his new suit and dance with every girl here tonight\u2014it just doesn\u2019t make sense.\u201d<\/p>\n Roy reached in his coat pocket and his brown eyes turned intense. \u201cHere. Read this. I got this wire a little while ago.\u201d Roy handed Adam the telegraph and he read it quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cEscaped cons heading this way? If they were spotted in Genoa earlier today, they could be any place by now.\u201d Adam reflected and then he felt a stab of worry that took over all other thoughts. \u201cThey could even be on the road to Virginia City\u2014maybe Joe ran into them? Or they could have made it to the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe better check this out. Hopefully we are worrying about nothing. But it sure don\u2019t hurt to go see if we\u2019re wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll meet you outside. I\u2019m going to tell Craig to take over my duties for a while.\u201d Adam hurried over to confer with one of the other musicians. Roy walked out of the room feeling his own sense of dread.<\/p>\n Joe stood up against one of the walls in the guest room while Cade leaned back on the bed with his gun still drawn and pointing directly at his hostage. Joe decided that if he were to be lucky enough to survive, that he would etch the evil man\u2019s image into his head. He wanted to remember everything about him. He had already sized him up in the living room. The man was a little over six feet tall. He had dark black hair and appeared to be in his late forties. He wore a beard, which only partially hid a deep scar that went from the man\u2019s right eye all the way to his chin. Joe wanted to remember these features. He prayed that he would have the chance to wage his revenge on Cade. He would get even with him for having shot his brother. He would make him pay for hitting Ben on the head with his gun. And he would also pay for all the humiliating mind games that Joe had been forced to endure. Joe seethed inwardly, waiting to find out what the man had in mind for him next.<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon over here, Joe. You look mighty uncomfortable standing there.\u201d Cade called out.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine where I am.\u201d Joe muttered still memorizing the man\u2019s outward appearance, commending it to memory.<\/p>\n \u201cI said over here!\u201d Cade yelled and pointed the gun at Joe again.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not afraid to die.\u201d Joe replied. \u201cIn fact, if I have a choice in the matter I think I\u2019d rather you shoot me now than to spend another minute with you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t plan to kill you, Joe. That would be too easy. I have something else in mind for you.\u201d Cade now stood and walked directly in front of Joe. \u201cYou know how handsome you are don\u2019t you? You really have a way about you. So sure of yourself in every way, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShoot me or let me go.\u201d Came Joe\u2019s request and it was answered with a long string of laughter. Cade reached over and grabbed Joe up by his shirt collar and looked directly into his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll let you go, but not till I\u2019m done with our game. You\u2019re gonna love the next part, Joe!\u201d Cade smiled sinisterly and then shoved Joe over to the bed.<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright could hear the languished cries of his youngest son coming from the next room. Ben fought to break his ropes in order to go and help his son but could see Sam coming closer, his pistol pointed at the incapacitated Hoss. Ben had to refrain from a further attempt at freedom. Though he did not know what was happening to Joe, he did know what a risk he would be taking in regard to his injured middle son.<\/p>\n It seemed like the screams from the other room lasted for hours but in fact it wasn\u2019t more than thirty minutes after Cade had taken Joe in there, that he walked out and back into the living room. Ben\u2019s piercing brown eyes searched the man as he strode casually across to the fireplace and lit his cigar.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat have you done with my son?\u201d Ben questioned, unable to take the uncertainty of whether Joe had been killed or not.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe is just fine.\u201d Cade laughed and drew in the smoke and exhaled deeply. \u201cHe was kinda tired so he\u2019s sleeping right now. You will find him safe and sound.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben did not believe what the criminal had told him, he felt in his heart that Joe had indeed been hurt. He watched as Cade and Sam called for the other two men to come in and they all gathered up the rest of their looted goods and turned to leave. Ben was sure that they would not leave without killing all of their hostages. But, instead, they all headed out the front door without any further violence. Cade stopped short and turned back toward Ben and smiled at him.<\/p>\n \u201cTell Joe goodbye for me. Tell him I enjoyed our little game very much!\u201d Cade laughed and left the house closing the door behind him.<\/p>\n The night was pitch black as Roy Coffee and Adam Cartwright rode up to the ranch house. They almost ran into Cade and his bunch head- on as they were coming around the back side of the barn. The night air was filled with gunshots. One man who had been riding Ben\u2019s horse fell to the ground dead, as another, riding Hoss\u2019 horse was winged in the shoulder and also fell off his mount. Two riders did manage to escape, and despite the strong urge to go after them Roy and Adam turned their attention on going into the house to check on the other Cartwrights.<\/p>\n After checking on the winged convict, and making sure that the other one was really dead, Roy tied the wounded man up and then he walked into the house with Adam. Ben was standing now, trying to reach into the fireplace to burn off his ropes. Adam saw Hoss\u2019 still form on the settee. He tried not to panic but the sight turned his stomach and ripped at his heart. Adam wished he could have been at the ranch instead of at the dance. Maybe he could have prevented what had happened to his family. Adam surveyed the room and saw the disarray. Books having been tossed around and other family mementoes laying dashed on the floor. None of that mattered at the time, his eyes were seeking one thing in particular: his brother Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam!\u201d Ben yelled greatly relieved to see reinforcements. \u201cThank God!\u201d Ben moved over to his oldest and Adam was quick at untying his father. Roy walked over and checked Hoss\u2019 shoulder wound. He was soon joined by Ben and Adam and their eyes filled with worry.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s gonna be okay. I\u2019m no doctor, but I\u2019ve seen enough of these wounds to know the real bad ones. Looks like the bullet went clean through. I\u2019ll go get Doc Martin out here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut where\u2019s Joe?\u201d Adam asked, and Roy also was waiting for that question to be answered. They both saw Ben\u2019s face go white as he looked fearfully over toward the guest room.<\/p>\n \u201cOne of the men took him in there.\u201d Ben said gravely and started walking toward the dining room. Adam began to follow his father, but Ben stopped and held up his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me handle this, Adam. I don\u2019t know how bad this is going to be. I\u2019ll be right out. Roy\u2014go ahead and get Doc here quick as you can.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be back before you know it!\u201d Roy exclaimed and hurried out of the ranch house. Adam stood bewildered by all his father had said about wanting to check on Joe by himself. He shook his head disgusted and returned to assist his brother Hoss.<\/p>\n For nineteen years<\/strong> Ben had kept a watchful eye on his youngest son. He had tried his best to protect him from the evil that prowled the earth. So many times he was accused of being overly protective of the boy, but now, as he caught sight of Joe, he felt that he had truly failed him miserably. Ben approached the head of the bed and saw Joe\u2019s clothes had been torn, as if done during what must have been a terrible struggle with Cade. He could see where the ropes that bound Joe\u2019s wrists had eaten into his skin and blood trickled out from under them. Ben was having trouble breathing just staring at the still figure of his son. He reached down to untie the ropes and Joe came around.<\/p>\n \u201cNo! Don\u2019t!\u201d Joe screamed and tried to muster the strength to begin fighting once more.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014it\u2019s me\u2014\u201d Ben tried to calm him. Joe continued to struggle against the touch.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t!\u201d Joe shrieked again. He tried to roll off the bed and Ben caught him by the shoulders.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2014it\u2019s pa\u2014you\u2019re safe now. They are all gone. You are safe.\u201d Ben continued with his pleas for the boy to settle down so his ropes could be removed.<\/p>\n Joe struggled to return to safety. He fought to register Ben\u2019s voice in his mind. It was his father\u2019s voice, not Cade\u2019s. He slowly began to stop fighting Ben\u2019s attempt at untying the rope. When his hands were free at last, Joe slowly rolled over onto his back and turned away from the anguished look his father now wore. Ben watched sadly as his son pulled himself off of the bed and reached for the blanket lying on the footboard. Joe wrapped it around himself, partly due to the intense shaking he was experiencing and partly to hide his tattered clothing.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, the doctor will be here soon.\u201d Ben said and reached for his son. He yearned to pull the boy into an embrace so that he would be fully aware that he truly was safe. Joe resisted his father vehemently. He pulled back away from him, as if Ben were also an enemy. As if Ben might also cause him pain. Ben could not understand why his son had backed away. Joe had always turned to him in times of crisis. He wondered what had made the boy fearful of his own father\u2019s touch.<\/p>\n \u201cNo doctor.\u201d Joe finally managed to spout out adamantly. He held the blanket tightly to his chest and slowly inched out of the bedroom. Ben followed, his heart heavy with worry.<\/p>\n Adam looked up from his position next to Hoss as he saw Joe enter the living room heading toward the stairs. He couldn\u2019t believe that the person he was looking at was his youngest brother. Joe was no longer the lighthearted nineteen-year-old that Adam had seen earlier in the day carrying his new suit inside the house joyously. His walk was that of a wounded animal, and his features showed damage to them that went beyond normal comprehension. Foremost in Adam\u2019s thoughts, Joe looked old.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss is gonna be okay.\u201d Adam called to Joe, uncertain as to what to say at this point.<\/p>\n Joe stared for only a brief moment at his two brothers and then continued his trek up to the solace which only his room could provide for him. Both Ben and Adam\u2019s anxious eyes followed Joe\u2019s departing form up the stairs.<\/p>\n It was almost one a.m. by the time Doctor Paul Martin had finished repairing the damage that Cade\u2019s bullet had done to Hoss Cartwright\u2019s shoulder. He stood at the wash basin in the big man\u2019s room and finished drying his hands. He turned and cast a concerned glance at Ben and Adam who were waiting anxiously for a full report on their loved one\u2019s condition.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s going to be just fine. Roy was right. That bullet passed right through Hoss\u2019 shoulder and it doesn\u2019t look like any permanent damage. He has lost a considerable amount of blood so all I want you both to do is to make sure he stays in bed for the next couple of days. When he\u2019s able to move around more, we will put a sling on his left arm to help prevent those stitches from getting pulled.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam and Ben sighed, relieved and Ben felt his son\u2019s face. There was no sign of fever present. At least they had all been lucky that Cade\u2019s aim had been off.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks, Doc.\u201d Ben nodded. Paul walked over and pulled on Ben\u2019s arm to get him to sit down in the chair next to Hoss\u2019 bed. Ben reluctantly sat as the doctor examined the good-sized knot that was on the back of his head where he had been pistol whipped. The doctor dabbed some ointment on it and Ben didn\u2019t even feel the pressure, his mind being on other things.<\/p>\n \u201cGet Hop Sing to fix you up an ice pack to help with that swelling.\u201d The doctor commented and then looked at both men waiting to hear about Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cI need you to check Joseph out. But he was adamant about not seeing you. He was put through some kind of terrible trauma by the convict who took him into the back bedroom. I don\u2019t know what happened in there, I only know that Joe needs help.\u201d Ben was careful in his words. He still hadn\u2019t told Adam the whole story, they had been much too busy with Hoss.<\/p>\n Hop Sing appeared in the room. He had hurried home after spotting Roy in town. The sheriff had filled him in on what had happened and the Chinese member of the family had raced the buckboard almost blindly in the dark to get to the ones that he loved. Hop Sing walked to the head of the bed and put his hand on the still unconscious Hoss. He muttered some words in his native tongue and then turned toward the other three men.<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Hoss\u2014will he be okay?\u201d Came his worried question in typical broken English.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s going to be fine, Hop Sing.\u201d Paul assured.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Little Joe\u2014he fine too?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben and Adam looked at each other and knew that Joe\u2019s current condition would upset Hop Sing more than anything else at the present. They knew that Hop Sing had always held Joe in his heart as a son.<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t checked Joe out yet. But there is something you could do for us that would help a great deal. We have to get him to go to sleep so that I can examine him. He is very upset right now, and he insists on not seeing anyone. Do you think you could get him to drink something? I can lace a glass of water with sleeping powder.\u201d The doctor asked Hop Sing, and the cook shook his head up and down insistently.<\/p>\n \u201cI get Little Joe to drink! You give Hop Sing water now!\u201d<\/p>\n Paul fought back a smile, it didn\u2019t seem the time or the place for humor, but nevertheless, Hop Sing\u2019s confidence amused him. He had witnessed over the years the magic that the cook had when it came to dealing with the orneriest member of the family. Paul poured water from the pitcher on the nightstand and then reached in his medical bag. He opened a small bottle and poured some medication directly into the glass. Then he handed it to Hop Sing.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing.\u201d Ben called and approached him before the cook left the room. \u201cJoe is not acting like what you are used to seeing. He is very upset. Don\u2019t get your feelings hurt if you can\u2019t get him to drink that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLittle Joe drink for Hop Sing.\u201d The man shook his head solemnly and walked out of the room and down the hallway.<\/p>\n Joe had already been deep in his own personal Hell all night and he could not fall asleep. All the dreadful details of the evening pulsated throughout his troubled mind. When he had first entered his room that night, there was still a strong scent of Bay Rum cologne hanging in the air from all he had used in preparation for the dance. But Joe never caught the smell of the cologne. His nostrils were only filled with the sickening smell of Cade and the musty stale cigar smoke which permeated his clothes. He hadn\u2019t been in his room more than five minutes before he started vomiting. As he bent pathetically over the basin, he could still hear Cade\u2019s laughter and feel his touch. When Joe\u2019s eyes had inadvertently caught his appearance reflected back in the dresser mirror, he saw the remnants of his new suit ripped before him. Joe\u2019s white shirt had all its buttons missing and his pants were torn. It was after seeing the aftermath of his torture that Joe had flung the cologne bottle at the mirror shattering it.<\/p>\n Now Joe laid in bed, blankets tightly wrapped around his body and his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He fought to free himself from the scenes of the guest room but could not. Frightened, lonely and in total despair, he turned in bed when he heard the door open. Hop Sing walked slowly into the room and attempted to light the lamp at Joe\u2019s bedside.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Joe yelled and scared Hop Sing so badly he had almost jumped out of his skin. \u201cGo away.\u201d Joe pleaded. Hop Sing stopped the attempt to get light on in the room. He looked lovingly at the frightened young man before him.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay\u2014Hop Sing go away, but you need to drink this first. It help take all pain away so you can sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust leave.\u201d Joe begged and turned his face away from the man.<\/p>\n \u201cYou drink. Hop Sing go then.\u201d Hop Sing insisted and handed the glass to Joe. Joe reluctantly took the glass in his trembling left hand. He looked down at it. His only thought was to somehow get Hop Sing to leave him alone. Joe could not face anyone at that point and seriously doubted if he ever would be able to face anyone again. Joe drank the water and returned the glass to Hop Sing.<\/p>\n Hop Sing saw that the boy he had helped to raise was frightened beyond belief. His heart reached out to him, even though he couldn\u2019t reach out physically at the moment. He would give Joe the solitude he had requested. Muttering a Chinese prayer Hop Sing left the room.<\/p>\n Hop Sing had reported back to the family and Doctor Martin that the task had been completed and then hurried downstairs to try his best to put the house back together. Doctor Martin reached into his vest and drew out his pocket watch.<\/p>\n \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t take more than a couple of minutes. Once he is good and asleep we can see how Joe is.\u201d Paul commented and the three men waited.<\/p>\n Carrying with them a kerosene lamp, Ben and Paul made their way into Joe\u2019s bedroom. It had been almost half an hour since Joe had taken his medication. The two men stood on opposite sides of the bed and stared down at the sleeping boy. Even in slumber Joe\u2019s face carried a grimace and the doctor was starting to have his own suspicions at this point as to what had truly happened to him. He looked over at Ben and realized that the last thing he needed was to have the worried father leaning over his shoulder during the examination. And if Paul\u2019s suspicions were found to be true, he worried about Ben\u2019s own physical health and how he would manage to come to grips with it.<\/p>\n \u201cBen, you go downstairs and rest awhile. Get Hop Sing to get you that ice for your head. I will be down shortly.\u201d Paul reached over and touched Ben\u2019s arm and stared into his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou might need me.\u201d Ben protested. He wasn\u2019t at all sure of what injuries they would find on the boy and what steps would have to be taken to tend them.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll call if I do. Now go on. I\u2019ll be down soon.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben reluctantly walked to the door and shot another desperate look towards his son. Then he left the room and walked despondently down the stairs. Doctor Martin set about the task of identifying Joe\u2019s injuries. Upon checking his chest, he detected three cracked ribs. He went to his medical bag and pulled out some material to wrap the boy’s chest. It was upon turning Joe over to bind the ribcage that he saw the tell-tale signs of what Joe\u2019s other injuries were.<\/p>\n Doctor Paul Martin looked at the young man whom, nineteen years earlier, he had helped bring into the world. ***What kind of an animal would have done this to you, Joe? My God! What you must have gone through! I didn\u2019t bring you into this world to be so hurt by the evil that came here tonight. Please, God, give me the strength to help this boy. And give me the strength to help his family! ***<\/strong><\/em>Paul thought to himself and began the long task of at least trying to make his patient a little more physically comfortable. Paul knew that there was nothing in his black bag that could even start to repair the boy\u2019s tortured soul.<\/p>\n Ben\u2019s wait had been a long one and his patience was wearing thin. He wondered what could be taking so long with his son\u2019s examination. Ben was just about ready to go and find out for himself when Doctor Martin appeared at the top of the stairs. As he slowly walked down Ben couldn\u2019t help noticing the grim look that the man now wore. Paul was slow in making his way over to the settee and he sat down heavily, emotionally spent.<\/p>\n \u201cI could sure use a drink.\u201d Paul stated earnestly and Ben was surprised by his request. Ben had rarely seen the doctor indulge himself with the use of alcohol. He assumed this meant there was bad news to be forthcoming. Ben strode over to the table in his study and noticed that Hop Sing had already been hard at work trying to straighten up some of the damage that the convicts had caused. Ben opened a new bottle of brandy. He poured two glasses of the liquor and then brought it over to the doctor. Ben sat opposite Paul and waited for the explanation.<\/p>\n Doctor Paul Martin drank heavily of his brandy. Of all the examinations that he had performed in over forty years of medical practice, the one he had just finished doing was by far the most excruciating emotionally. Looking over at the worried father, he paused to choose his words carefully.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe has several cracked ribs. I have bound them. He has numerous contusions and scratches. All of those will heal.\u201d The doctor paused and took a deep breath. He had to tell Ben the truth. \u201cBut what has been done to your son at the hands of that animal is something I just don\u2019t know how to heal. I can set bones, suture cuts, but repairing an injured soul is something I just can\u2019t do.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben studied the doctor\u2019s careworn face and was starting to get an idea as to what the man was trying to tell him. Ben did not utter the words for a long while. He was afraid that if he did, it would make what had happened to Joe a reality, and not as it had been, just an awful implication.<\/p>\n \u201cTell me,” Was all that Ben could finally choke out. \u201cTell me what he did to Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n Doctor Martin reached over for the arm of his long-time friend. He knew his answer would forever change Ben Cartwright\u2019s life. The doctor sighed deeply, fighting for control of his own emotions. \u201cBen, Joe has been assaulted.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t understand. You mean beaten? I saw how he looked, bruises and all. You mean that man beat Joseph?\u201d Ben\u2019s eyes pleaded for understanding.<\/p>\n \u201cBen, I mean assaulted.\u201d Paul thought for another minute, trying to phrase his next statement as gently as possible. \u201cDo you remember Sarah McNeely?\u201d Paul asked.<\/p>\n Ben felt his body go limp. His mind took him back several years. There had been a close friend of Adam\u2019s named Sarah McNeely. She was a lovely girl and had grown up in Virginia City. She had been Ben\u2019s oldest son\u2019s first girlfriend and later close friend. The girl had been raped by a drunken cowhand. Her life had been destroyed, and despite the love of friends and family, the girl had ended up committing suicide. Ben was now totally aware of the point the doctor had been making in bringing up Sarah.<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d Ben\u2019s trembling voice shot out.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Ben. But it\u2019s true. Joseph was sexually assaulted by that man.\u00a0 Ben felt his breath leave him. He closed his eyes and felt the sudden surge of bile rising in his throat. He tried to will away the nausea. Ben knew he could handle the fact that his home had been violated. Personal mementoes smashed beyond repair. But not his youngest son! Ben looked up toward the top of the stairs and could still see the vision of Joe. How the boy looked, so excited to be going to the dance that evening. Joe had been absolutely glowing as he showed off his new suit. Now the boy was hurt, hurt beyond all repair. Ben stood and smashed his glass of brandy angrily into the fireplace.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Ben yelled more to the heavens than to anyone in the room. \u201cNot my son!\u201d<\/p>\n Paul walked over to try to console the bereaved father. He put his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder and tried his best to comfort the man. \u201cBen, somehow the family will get through this.\u201d The doctor reassured.<\/p>\n From the corners of his glazed eyes Ben caught sight of Joe\u2019s dress jacket still where Cade had set it, on the back of the blue chair. Ben reached for it and brought it up to his face. The scent of both his son and the cologne was still there. Ben closed his eyes again.<\/p>\n \u201cAll Joe wanted to do was go to a dance. This was his new suit.\u201d Ben whispered and the emotions were taking over his whole person. He needed to escape the house before he became sick to his stomach.<\/p>\n Outside in the yard, Ben Cartwright looked up to the heavens. The dark clouds had passed, and millions of stars twinkled in the distance. Ben had his own deep personal belief in God. Though it had been challenged many times during tragedies in the past, he had always clung to the belief that a higher power watched over them all. Ben leaned against the hitching post and images of Joe flashed through his mind. The happy go lucky kid who was always in and out of trouble came first to mind. Then, the risk-taking young man came into view. Ben remembered all the injuries that had almost taken the boy from him in the past. Joe was resilient and had overcome even the worst life had to offer. But that was before Cade had entered their lives and changed Joe\u2019s world forever. Ben knew what the assault had cost his son. He did not think it was humanly possible to get over such a vicious attack of mind, body, and soul. Ben looked toward the sky one last time. Heaven never seemed farther away than it did at that moment, nor did God.<\/p>\n Ben was on his way to his bedroom after the doctor had forced a much-needed sedative on him. Paul had warned the upset father that if he didn\u2019t get his rest that he would be no good to either of his injured sons. Reluctantly, Ben had taken the medicine and agreed to turn in. He checked on Hoss and saw that Adam was keeping the normal vigil by his brother\u2019s bed. Then, Ben entered Joe\u2019s room and walked over to the bed.<\/p>\n Kneeling down on the floor in prayer, Ben took Joe\u2019s left hand. He wearily dropped his own forehead to rest on the bandaged wrist. It had been the longest night of Ben Cartwright\u2019s life. Ben whispered his son\u2019s name and wept.<\/p>\n Chapter Two: A Time To Embrace, And A Time to Refrain From Embracing<\/em><\/p>\n Ben poured his morning coffee<\/strong> as he sat in his chair at the head of the dining room table. He looked at the empty place settings around him. Adam had already eaten and was up with Hoss and Joe was still asleep when he had last checked. Hop Sing had spent the better part of the morning straightening up the house to give is some semblance of normalcy. Ben\u2019s eyes shot over to the guest room to his immediate right. He closed his eyes and could still hear his son\u2019s screams from the previous night. He couldn\u2019t shake the awful memories, and he knew his youngest son probably would never be able to erase them either. Ben rubbed at his temples trying to stop the headache he was experiencing. He knew the trauma to his head by Cade\u2019s gun was only one reason his head hurt so badly.<\/p>\n Adam walked down the stairs carrying Hoss\u2019 empty breakfast tray. He took it into the kitchen and then sat down next to his father.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss is doing real well, Pa. He ate everything Hop Sing fixed for him.\u201d Adam tried to sound upbeat seeing the sadness which controlled his father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad, Son. I\u2019m going to go sit with him in a little while.\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cI have to warn you; he wants to know all about what happened here last night.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben nodded and looked into Adam\u2019s eyes. They, too, were questioning.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think he needs to know just yet. Let\u2019s give him a couple of days to heal first.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay. But you are going to tell me, right?\u201d Adam asked, having waited long enough to know what was going on. He had seen his little brother and knew that he must have suffered something awful to be in the condition that he was in when he had walked solemnly to his room.<\/p>\n Ben knew he must tell Adam the truth. He also knew that he would have to tell Hoss eventually too. The family was a tight knit bunch, and secrets never lasted long in the house. But this secret was an awful one. As Ben studied Adam\u2019s handsome face, he shook his head wondering how to tell him about Joe and Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cI told you last night that the one called Cade took Joe into the room.\u201d Ben pointed toward the closed door of the guest room. \u201cI was tied up as was Hoss. I wish I could have done something to prevent it\u2014\u201d Ben trailed off and dropped his head down into his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cPrevent what? What did he do to Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, your friend Sarah\u2014Sarah McNeely\u2014you remember?\u201d Ben had decided to go the same route as Doctor Martin had chosen the night before. He did not want to say the correct definition as to what the act of violence had been.<\/p>\n Adam stared blankly at his father. His thoughts going back to a young girl with a bright smile and long blonde hair. He remembered vividly his first case of puppy love. He remembered Sarah\u2019s warm smile and gentle touch. Suddenly, Adam thoughts turned toward the broken girl he had tried to comfort. A girl who could not be healed mentally. A girl who had chosen to jump off of a cliff instead of dealing with the tortured thoughts of what had been done to her.<\/p>\n Adam stood from the table and walked out of the house slamming the door behind him. He stood out on the porch willing all that he had heard away. He had lost someone close to him before due to the vicious act of a rape, he could not bear the thought of the chance that it could happen again. Adam thought about his little brother. The kid with the constant smile. The kid who knew he was handsome and enjoyed all the attention he garnered from it. Adam thought about what the violence would take from Joe. Without that fierce pride, without the self-assurance, without the winning smile, Joe would not be Joe. It would leave him without anything. Adam walked out to the yard trying to fill his lungs with fresh morning air. He turned and stared up at the room above the front porch. Little Joe\u2019s room.<\/p>\n Ben walked outside to join his eldest son and somehow try to help him deal with something that was beyond all reason. He walked over to him and put his hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cNot the kid, Pa. I can\u2019t bear this. How the hell could this happen?\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was shaky and he fought to refrain from tears.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam, I wish I had the answers for you, but I don\u2019t. I don\u2019t have any answers of any kind right now. I don\u2019t even know how to help Joseph. All I want to do is to go in there and tell him everything will be all better. But I don\u2019t think it ever will.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCade is still out there\u2014him and that Sam fellow. I\u2019m gonna catch up with the posse and kill both of them!\u201d Adam swore and started off toward the barn. Ben followed closely and grabbed Adam\u2019s arm spinning him around.<\/p>\n \u201cNo! Not now! I need you here. I need you to help me. Roy has enough posse members chasing them already. He\u2019s got half of the town out there. I am not risking another son. I just can\u2019t.\u201d Ben stopped and Adam saw the tears leaving his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n Adam thought on all that his father had said. He rationalized that he was indeed needed right now. Needed to keep Ben together and later Hoss once he was told. But he wanted to kill Cade and bring him back to his little brother as a trophy. Something he could show the boy to prove that the evil did not really win. Adam gave in. He saw the intensity on Ben\u2019s tired face and knew his place, at least at the moment, was at his father\u2019s side. He did not answer his father verbally. Adam threw his arm around Ben\u2019s shoulder and turned back toward the house.<\/p>\n Joe winced as he slowly made it back to reality. He moved onto his side and tried to catch his breath. He wondered why he felt so awful and then the dullness of the sleeping powders began to wear off. Falling back into his mind with a crushing weight came the memory of Cade. He tried to sit up but his pain was too great. Joe pushed down the sheet and heavy quilt. His mind went back to the previous night once more. Joe saw that he was now wearing long john bottoms. He had not changed before he had drunk Hop Sing\u2019s medicine. Then, Joe felt the tightness of the white bandages that wrapped his torso. It suddenly became apparent to him that he had been doctored. His anger mounted at the idea of having a doctor examining him in his sleep. Joe had told his father he would not see the doctor, and yet they had gone against his wishes anyway. The dreaded realization hit now. Doctor Martin was a thorough man. Joe knew that after having inspected his patient, the doctor would know all the details of what Cade had done to him.<\/p>\n Joe fell back against the pillows cursing his family, God and himself. He never wanted to die more than he did at that very moment. Joe couldn\u2019t imagine facing his family now that they knew. He grabbed his ribcage as a stitch of pain shot upwards from under the tight bandage. But no physical pain matched what he was feeling emotionally. It was at that moment that the bedroom door opened and in walked Joe\u2019s father.<\/p>\n Ben brought in a tray of food and set it on the nightstand. He had never before been uncomfortable around his youngest son. They had the type of relationship that any other father or son would envy but not be able to duplicate. It might have been due to the fact that Joe was Ben\u2019s youngest, his last child. Or it might have been due to the very nature of the boy. Though always trying towards independence, he often sought the strong shoulder of his father when he was hurt. Ben said a silent prayer that somehow that would come back to them both and Joe would turn toward him and not away from him.<\/p>\n \u201cI brought you something to eat.\u201d Ben began, trying to sound in control.<\/p>\n \u201cGo away!\u201d Joe yelled and pulled the covers back up around him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d Ben started but Joe cut him off.<\/p>\n \u201cI said go away! I don\u2019t want to see you\u2014I don\u2019t want to see anyone. Just leave me the hell alone.\u201d Joe grimaced as he tried to roll over and away from his father\u2019s worried gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to eat, Son.\u201d Ben persisted, letting Joe\u2019s anger roll off of him. He knew why the boy was upset and couldn’t blame him for being mad at everyone.\u00a0 Ben understood that his son needed time to heal both emotionally and physically.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know everything now. You know when I need to eat. You know when I need to see a doctor. You know everything!\u201d Joe spat out bitterly.<\/p>\n Ben frowned, he knew it wouldn\u2019t go over well, once Joe knew the doctor had worked on him the previous night. \u201cJoseph, you have some busted ribs. The doctor had to bind them. They could have pierced your lung if he hadn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike that would be a bad thing.\u201d Joe replied sarcastically.<\/p>\n Ben sat down on the side of the bed and fought hard not to reach for Joe and pull him close. He knew the damage that had been caused by Cade. He knew that Joe did not want to be touched now, maybe not ever again. Joe moved farther away from his father and stared in the opposite direction.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, please talk to me. Let me help you with this.\u201d Ben spoke out gently.<\/p>\n \u201cYou want to help me, Pa?\u201d Joe asked, his voice sounding strained.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I want to help you.\u201d Ben repeated once more.<\/p>\n \u201cThen get me a gun and close the door after you leave.\u201d Joe\u2019s reply was not in jest. He meant every word of it. Ben could tell that he was indeed serious.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not the way, Son. I know you feel that way now. But somehow you will get over this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah? How about YOU<\/strong>, Pa? Could YOU<\/strong> get over this?\u201d Joe asked earnestly.<\/p>\n Ben looked down at his suffering son. He did not answer Joe\u2019s question. He couldn\u2019t answer Joe\u2019s question. He wasn\u2019t at all sure if he would ever be able to get over what had happened to his son, let alone if it had happened to him. Ben stood up and shook his head at a total loss at what he could do to help his son.<\/p>\n \u201cNothing that has happened to you will ever change the way I feel about you, Joseph. I want you to know that. And I want to help you when you’re ready to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust go away. Please just go away.\u201d Joe was now sobbing. He didn’t understand why he had turned so violently on the one person he loved more than anyone in the world. He didn\u2019t understand why he wanted to die either. He didn\u2019t understand anything at that moment.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be back to check on you later.\u201d Ben whispered, feeling at a total loss on how he might help his son.\u00a0 He sadly turned to leave the room. He fought the strong urge again. He wanted to hold Joe in his arms and tell him the lie that everything would be okay.<\/p>\n By late that afternoon,<\/strong> Hop Sing was tired from all the caregiving he had done. He had spent his time trying to tend both of the injured Cartwrights but was having no luck in aiding Joe. Hoss was doing much better and was even sitting up in bed now. He had eaten a full breakfast and lunch and by his appearance seemed well on his way toward recovery. Hop Sing sighed discouraged as he left Joe\u2019s bedroom. For the second time that day he had taken out a tray from the boy’s room that had been untouched. No food had been eaten, and Hop Sing was getting more worried about Joe as the day went on. He ran into both Ben and Doctor Martin coming out of Hoss\u2019 bedroom.<\/p>\n \u201cStill not eating?\u201d The doctor asked, staring down at the food tray.<\/p>\n \u201cNot eat anything all day.\u201d Hop Sing replied and then turned his attention on Ben. \u201cLittle Joe ask Hop Sing to fix bath. That okay?\u201d<\/p>\n Ben looked back at the doctor and shook his head. \u201cHis ribs are bandaged. I don\u2019t think that would be a good idea right now, Hop Sing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWait.\u201d Paul broke in and touched Ben\u2019s arm. \u201cGo ahead and get it ready for him. It will be okay.\u201d Hop Sing nodded and hurried to get the necessary things ready.<\/p>\n \u201cBut, Paul, that means he’ll need those ribs re-bound. And right now, he won\u2019t let anyone near him to do it.\u201d Ben protested.<\/p>\n \u201cBen, this is something that Joe wants to do. Let him do it. We\u2019ll get him fixed up afterwards. It\u2019s very common to want to take a bath at this point.\u201d The doctor tried to get through to the worried father. He had seen this very behavior before in other assault victims.<\/p>\n Ben caved in to the doctor\u2019s request, though he wasn’t happy with the idea of what they would have to go through with Joe later on.<\/p>\n Adam made it a point<\/strong> to help Hop Sing carry up the buckets of water into Joe\u2019s room. He felt that he would not be seen to be intruding; just helping. Joe never spoke to either Hop Sing nor Adam. He held his position on his bed beneath all the covers and waited for them to have the tub ready. Finally, the tub was full and Hop Sing had laid out some fresh towels.<\/p>\n \u201cNeed some help?\u201d Adam asked his brother, hoping to break his silence. He wanted to do something at that point, in fact anything, that would help his little brother in some way.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need any help. Just leave me alone.\u201d Joe muttered angrily. He wasn\u2019t about to get out of the bed until he had total privacy. He didn\u2019t want the stares; he didn\u2019t want the pitiful glances that he had already witnessed.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing be right outside of door. You need me\u2014you call.\u201d Hop Sing and Adam turned out of the room closing the door.<\/p>\n Joe drew back the covers and carefully pulled himself over to the edge of the bed. He bit his bottom lip trying to muffle the moans that were inadvertently escaping his mouth. The pain engulfed his whole body, and he had trouble standing at that point. He grabbed for the bottom bedpost to help steady him. Joe’s eyes caught on his bedroom mirror which had taken a beating the previous night. It reflected back a distorted figure. It cast the image of a shattered young man. Joe reached for the end of his chest binding and untied it. He pulled away all the trappings and tossed it on the floor. Next, he pulled off his long johns and made the two steps over to the tub.<\/p>\n Totally submerging himself under the hot water, Joe held his breath. He had the strong urge to just stay under and let go of life, but he finally came up. He brushed the wet hair off of his forehead and his hand followed the hair down to the back of his neck. Joe remembered how Cade had slashed off a good chunk of his hair. Joe felt shivers go up his spine even though he was still beneath the hot water which Hop Sing had provided. He grabbed the bar of soap at the side of the tub and started scrubbing himself. In Joe\u2019s mind he wanted to wash away the entire event, as if it had never happened to him. He wanted to rid himself of the smell of the awful man. He wanted to feel clean again. Frustrated and tired after only a few minutes, Joe realized that it would take more than a bath to make the sights, sounds, and smells of his trauma go away.<\/p>\n Joe had already dried off and slipped into fresh long john bottoms by the time Hop Sing knocked on the door. Joe didn\u2019t want to tell him to come in, he wanted to be alone. Not getting a response, Hop Sing peered into the room and saw Joe stretched out on the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing get tub out of here for you.\u201d He announced.<\/p>\n \u201cJust leave it for now. I want to be alone.\u201d Joe replied gruffly.<\/p>\n Hop Sing left the room hurting for his young friend. He could see what had happened to him. Hop Sing was the one member of the family who didn’t have to be told by the doctor or anyone else what Cade had done to Joe. Hop Sing felt it in his heart.<\/p>\n Ben drew in a deep breath to summon the courage he’d need to enter his youngest son\u2019s room. He knew that he would be in for a battle with the boy. Ben wished that they could just give Joseph more sleeping powders to make what was about to happen next easier on everyone, but the doctor was against that. Ben approached the bed, witnessing Joe laying with his back turned towards him; his robe wrapped tightly around his chest.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d Ben began his explanation, but Joe didn\u2019t let him get beyond his name.<\/p>\n \u201cHow many times do I have to tell you and everyone else in this house to go away?\u201d Joe sounded out furiously.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to get your ribs bound back up. After I do that, I’ll give you some peace.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d Joe spat out insistently.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you can either have Doctor Martin do this or I can do this. You make the choice.\u201d Ben wasn’t giving in on this one. He knew that Joe\u2019s physical condition had to take priority over his emotional condition at the present.<\/p>\n \u201cNeither.\u201d Joe returned angrily. He didn\u2019t want anyone to touch him in any way. He thought of the doctor and his anger mounted. He was extremely mad at Doctor Martin. Joe felt that if the doctor hadn\u2019t examined him then Joe might have been able to prevent his family from finding out about the nature of his attack. Doctor Martin was definitely out of the question. Joe next thought about his father. He wasn\u2019t happy about the idea of Ben binding him either. There was still the small seed of resentment that Joe held in his mind. He wondered why his father hadn\u2019t come to his rescue. Yes, he knew about the other convict with the gun, and he also knew about Ben having been tied. But he always thought of his father as being beyond human in some ways. He expected Ben to have saved him from Cade\u2019s brutal attack somehow.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll go get the doctor.\u201d Ben stated firmly and started for the door.<\/p>\n \u201cNo\u2014I hate him! Keep him away from me!\u201d Joe shouted.<\/p>\n Ben walked back over to the bed and held up the binding that the doctor had given him to use. \u201cThen stand up so I can do this. The sooner it\u2019s done\u2014the sooner I will leave.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe once more pulled himself over to the edge of the bed. Ben watched the pain in his son\u2019s movement, and he tried to stay focused on what needed to be done. Joe leaned on the bed for balance and then stood. He pulled off his robe and closed his eyes. He hated the fact that he had to submit himself to further humiliation. Joe couldn\u2019t bear to look into his father\u2019s eyes. He imagined what he would see in them. Joe was very sure that Ben felt that he had disgraced the family for having lived through the assault. He knew that Ben only felt pity for him now, not love or respect.<\/p>\n \u201cLift your arms, Son. And take a deep breath. This has to be tight.\u201d Ben said firmly but with great compassion bleeding out in his words. Ben watched as Joe did as he was told. He saw how the boy was avoiding his eyes. As Ben rolled the bandaged toward Joe\u2019s back, he caught the first glimpse of some of Cade\u2019s damage. There were fingernail scratches that started at Joe\u2019s shoulders and deepened as they proceeded down his back. Ben saw the bruises and witnessing it all; his mouth dropped open in anguish for his son. He struggled to not let his facial expression give way to his feelings. When he finished binding Joe\u2019s ribs, he let out a deep sigh of relief that he was able to complete the task without taking his son into his arms to shoulder his misery.<\/p>\n \u201cAll done, Joseph,\u201d Ben announced. Joe didn’t reply but simply turned back toward his bed and crawled under the covers, turning away from his father.<\/p>\n Three long days<\/strong> since the lives of all the Cartwrights had been changed dramatically by the events of the night of terror, there was a conference going on in the living room of the ranch house. Doctor Martin, Adam and Ben sat facing each other discussing Joe\u2019s condition.<\/p>\n \u201cThree days and he still refuses to eat anything.\u201d Ben stated totally distraught.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is taking its toll on all of you.\u201d Paul announced as he accepted some brandy that Adam offered. Joe\u2019s ordeal was affecting everyone including Doctor Martin. \u201cI gave Hoss a sedative. He\u2019s taking this very badly. He needs another couple days in bed but is insisting on going to Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d Ben stood and took a poker to the fire logs just to have something to do with his hands other than wringing them. \u201cI hated to tell him. I have never seen that kind of anger on his face! He wants to kill the man who did this to Joe so badly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe all do!\u201d Adam insisted angrily.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, before you all go off and try to track down anyone, we have to figure out how to keep Joe alive first. He has got to eat.\u201d Paul looked back and forth between both father and son and could feel the need for vengeance that had hung within the walls of the Ponderosa for days begging to be let loose on Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cHow?\u201d Ben asked, turning back around and falling into his chair exhausted.<\/p>\n \u201cI want to go and speak with him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoc, you know Joe won\u2019t talk with anyone. And, from what Pa said he\u2019s really angry at you!\u201d Adam protested. He was feeling the urge to talk with Joe as well, but each time he had tried he had caved in to the notion that he could offer no solution to the anguish that the boy was suffering.<\/p>\n \u201cYou both are not objective enough. You love him and only see the hurt. I think I can get through to him, maybe at least enough to get him to eat. All I can do is try.\u201d<\/p>\n Hop Sing came in from the kitchen. As he normally did, he had ease-dropped on the whole conversation. He brought with him a tray with soup and toast on it and walked over to Paul.<\/p>\n \u201cYou get Little Joe to eat.\u201d Hop Sing insisted. Hop Sing had tried and failed for three days and was a picture of pure worry. Paul stood and took the tray from Hop Sing and headed up the stairs. Ben and Adam both closed their eyes and prayed that the doctor would be able to help. But, in their hearts, both of the Cartwrights braced themselves for the yelling to begin.<\/p>\n Upon entering Joe\u2019s bedroom, Doctor Paul Martin did two things that already had angered Joe. First, he lit the lamp by Joe\u2019s bedside, next he sat down on the side of the bed. Joe pulled the covers up and rolled onto his side and away from the doctor.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, I no longer have the patience or time to wait for you to eat. I want you to sit up and do it now.\u201d The doctor\u2019s voice was stern and direct and the sound of it started to fuel the pent-up animosity that Joe felt for the man.<\/p>\n \u201cGo away. Leave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am not going away, and I certainly am not going to leave you alone.\u201d Paul replied flatly.<\/p>\n \u201cI hate you!\u201d Joe yelled.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s fine, Joe. If you really need someone to hate, I\u2019ll gladly be your target. But you are going to eat. And you are going to live. And you are going to survive.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2014that\u2019s easy for you to say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Joe. It\u2019s not easy for me to say. And it\u2019s not easy for me to see you like this. I know you are only thinking of your own personal pain, but what happened to you has hurt all of those around you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen maybe you shouldn\u2019t have told them, huh? Maybe if you had just doctored me up and lied about it then I would be the only one dying from this?\u201d Joe spat back viciously.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think you are that good of an actor, Joe. Don\u2019t you understand they would have eventually found out? And how could they help you anyway, if they didn\u2019t know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey can\u2019t help me!\u201d Joe shouted again. \u201cYou can\u2019t help me. Not even God can help me now. I just want to die.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice broke and the tears started again. He fought to gain control but could not.<\/p>\n \u201cEverything you have just told me is perfectly normal. Every feeling that you have is perfectly normal. Anyone who has been through what you have been through feels the exact same way. Right now you can\u2019t imagine living through this, but you can. I know you can.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to.\u201d Joe sobbed.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2014I\u2019ve always taken special interest in you. I always take special interest in the ones that I help to bring into this world. I feel a certain responsibility towards them. I\u2019ve watched you grow; I\u2019ve seen your strength displayed throughout the years. I\u2019ve witnessed your triumphs and your tragedies. And through it all, you have always managed to survive. This is no different.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDoc, I don\u2019t want to live anymore. I\u2019m done with this world, it\u2019s all just too much.\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cIf you die, Joe\u2014\u201d Paul paused and stared down at the young man. \u201cIf you die, that means that Cade won.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe finally turned to make eye contact with Doctor Martin. His words hung in Joe\u2019s confused mind. Joe already felt that Cade had indeed won, he wondered if his own death would just mean one extra victory for the animal.<\/p>\n \u201cCade already took everything from me.\u2019 Joe replied.<\/p>\n \u201cHe didn\u2019t take your life, Joe. Are you willing to give him that too?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t want to live.\u201d Joe said this time without anger, only hurt.<\/p>\n \u201cRight now, I think we can settle on just not dying, okay? Let\u2019s get some food in you. Worrying about living can come later, okay?\u201d Paul\u2019s words were chosen carefully, and he could see that Joe was just starting to buy into them.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll try.\u201d Joe whispered softly and pushed back his tears. He looked into the doctor\u2019s compassionate eyes and had his first twinge of regret for having felt hatred toward the man.<\/p>\n A short while later Doctor Martin walked down the long staircase carrying Joe\u2019s tray. He met Hop Sing in the living room and the cook surveyed what was left.<\/p>\n \u201cHe eat one piece of toast, and just little of soup.\u201d Hop Sing sounded discouraged.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, don\u2019t your people say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step?\u2019 The doctor smiled at the cook and he brightened up. Paul then looked over to Adam and Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is only the first step, and this journey may even be longer than a thousand miles, but at least he has started it now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you.\u201d Ben choked out, his eyes misting. He hoped that having talked with the doctor now, that Joe might just start talking to him as well.<\/p>\n Chapter Three: A Time To Be Silent And A Time To Speak<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been five days now<\/strong> and I\u2019m getting out of bed.\u201d Hoss complained to his father as he turned in bed and swung his legs over the side. He had enough of laying around and enough of being told that he couldn\u2019t see his little brother.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, at least let me put on that sling then.\u201d Ben caved in to the big man. It had been a struggle to contain him as long as he had. Ben wrapped the sling around Hoss\u2019 neck and gently maneuvered his left arm inside. Hoss draped his robe around his shoulders and stood.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna go see Joe.\u201d He insisted and headed toward his door.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, I\u2019ve been telling you for days now that Joe just wants some time alone. We finally have him eating a little but he\u2019s adamant about not talking right now.\u201d Ben persisted following Hoss out into the hallway.<\/p>\n \u201cI just got to see him, that\u2019s all.\u201d Hoss turned his troubled blue eyes on his father and Ben read in them the heartache Hoss was feeling. Ben simply shook his head and sighed, then he stepped out of the way. Hoss walked down to his brother\u2019s room.<\/p>\n The room stood in darkness; the only light was a thin shaft that permeated the curtains of Joe\u2019s window. Hoss entered the room and made his way over to his brother. Joe sat in a chair by the window, his gaze on the wall and not on the view outside. Hoss sat down on the end of the bed and stared at his brother. Joe wore pants and a shirt that was untucked and unbuttoned, giving way to the sight of his bandaged ribs. Joe\u2019s hair was tousled and unbrushed and he had dark circles under his eyes. Hoss thought along the same lines that his older brother did; Joe looked old.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess Pa didn\u2019t give you the complimentary warning that I don\u2019t want to see anyone.\u201d Joe muttered his sarcasm pouring out. He did not look at his brother, he couldn\u2019t. Joe had always wanted to be like Hoss. His whole life he wished he had his brother\u2019s strength. Joe felt weak, even more so now. He reasoned that if he had Hoss\u2019 strength that Cade never could have gained total control over him.<\/p>\n \u201cPa warned me all right. But you didn\u2019t think that would stop me, did you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t talk about it.\u201d Joe said flatly.<\/p>\n \u201cThen we won\u2019t.\u201d Hoss answered.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay\u2014then let\u2019s see\u2014what should we talk about? How about the weather? You want to talk about that?\u201d Joe again broke out with sarcasm.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you and me haven\u2019t been out of here in days so guess I can\u2019t comment on that.\u201d Hoss played right along. Joe frowned, he was having a harder time brushing Hoss off than he thought he would.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019s your shoulder?\u201d Joe finally asked as he spied the sling out of the corner of his eye.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna be fine. This thing comes off in a week. Then I\u2019m going hunting.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe knew of Hoss\u2019 intentions not having to have it spelled out to him. Hoss was referring to Cade. Joe knew that would be the next step in his family\u2019s plan.<\/p>\n \u201cJust leave it alone.\u201d Joe whispered and closed his eyes trying to shut out the image of Cade from his mind.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m going to break every bone in his body. Then I\u2019ll kill him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah? And what difference will that make now? You think it\u2019s gonna \u201cfix\u201d me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll be a start.\u201d Hoss replied and reached for Joe\u2019s shoulder. Joe jerked away involuntarily. He looked at the rejection on Hoss\u2019 face. He had seen it before on his father\u2019s face as well.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, I\u2019m sorry\u2014\u201d Joe started but couldn’t explain his reaction to being touched.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Little Brother, I understand. We all understand. You just need time is all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m kinda tired.\u201d Joe dropped his head down. He couldn\u2019t handle anymore conversation at the present. Hoss got the hint and stood up.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll stop by later. You get some rest.\u201d Hoss turned and reluctantly walked away closing the door behind him. He stood outside of the room for a long while wondering what he could do to bring back the boy he had grown up with. Hoss felt he might never see that person again.<\/p>\n The next morning<\/strong> at breakfast the three oldest members of the Cartwright family sat together at the dining room table. They had just started talking about plans to do what the posse had failed to do; finding Cade. Ben\u2019s eyes caught on the descending figure of his youngest son slowly making his way down the stairs and signaled Adam and Hoss to stop their discussion. Joe made his way over to the table and took his normal position next to his brother Hoss. He looked much as he had the previous night, disheveled and weary.<\/p>\n A harsh silence fell over the room as each of the Cartwrights wondered what to say. Ben cleared his throat and simply passed a coffee cup down the table towards his youngest son. Joe accepted it from Hoss without speaking. Hop Sing entered the room bringing in another plate and setting it in front of Joe. He, too, did not speak. Joe stared down at his plate as Hoss passed him a platter of eggs. He took off only a spoonful and passed it back. Adam passed Joe the toast and Joe drew off a piece and set it on his plate. Joe picked up his fork and as he glanced across the table toward Adam his eyes caught sight of the guest room door. He dropped his fork down and hurried outside.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll handle it.\u201d Ben insisted seeing both Hoss and Adam stand. He made his way out to the front porch. Joe was at the far end sitting on the top step, his head in his hands. Ben walked over and sat down next to him.<\/p>\n \u201cWill you talk to me now, Joseph?\u201d Ben asked quietly, still refraining from touching Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cHow can I tell you how I feel?\u201d Joe replied choking back his tears.<\/p>\n \u201cYou can try.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can still see him, Pa. I can still feel him. He doesn\u2019t go away.\u201d Joe\u2019s voice held more desperation in its tone.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s going to take time, Son. But it will go away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wish he had killed me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomeday you won\u2019t feel that way.\u201d Ben reassured, catching himself at the last minute before making the move to place his arm around his son.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy me?\u201d Joe finally looked into his father\u2019s eyes expecting an answer.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head and his eyes clouded with tears. \u201cI don\u2019t have an answer to that. I wish I could spout some great wisdom here, but I can\u2019t. Only God can answer that one, Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGod?\u201d Joe stood and laughed loudly. \u201cNo God\u2014no merciful God would allow this to happen to me! There is no God, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t say that, Joseph!\u201d Ben exclaimed and stood to face his son.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy? What will he do? Strike me down or something? I\u2019d welcome that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you have to find your own peace with this. If it were something I could do for you, I would have already done it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe only peace I will ever know is when I\u2019m dead.\u201d Joe stated seriously and walked away from his father ending their discussion.<\/p>\n It had been two long weeks<\/strong> since Cade had made his attack on the Cartwright family and still, he was nowhere to be found. Despite thorough searches headed by Roy Coffee along with prison officials, it seemed as though both Cade and his partner had disappeared off the face of the earth. The Cartwrights had planned to start searching themselves, all but Joe. He spent his days in solitude and his evenings drinking. When he had finally run out of pilfered liquor he had ventured into Virginia City. He chose the Bucket of Blood Saloon instead of his usual haunt, The Silver Dollar.<\/p>\n Bruno hardly recognized the young man as he approached the bar. Joe was dressed in old loose-fitting clothes his hair unkept and unruly. He had a small stubble of beard and his eyes were dull, not their usual penetrating green.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe? You okay?\u201d The bartender asked concerned.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m just fine. I need two bottles of whiskey.\u201d Joe stated and dropped his money onto the bar.<\/p>\n \u201cHaven\u2019t seen you around for a while.\u201d Bruno stated as he reached for the liquor as requested.<\/p>\n \u201cJust the whiskey. I don\u2019t have time for small talk. I\u2019ve got things to do.\u201d Joe replied sharply and drew the two bottles to his chest. Bruno looked hurt at Joe\u2019s bluntness, always finding Joe to be one of his favorite patrons. Joe turned and left the bar.<\/p>\n Joe tied Cochise up to the front hitching post. It was already after midnight, and he frowned as he spotted the figure sitting under the lantern on the front porch. Joe took out his whiskey and approached his oldest brother.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t tell me\u2014let me guess. You were worried about me?\u201d Joe laughed and sat down on the porch step and uncorked the bottle. Adam walked down the step and sat next to him.<\/p>\n \u201cEveryone\u2019s worried about you, Joe.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014let\u2019s see that\u2019s right, it\u2019s your turn now to talk to me. Am I right? Sure, I am! Let\u2019s see first it was Doc, then Hoss, then Pa, so that just leaves you and Hop Sing!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cActually, I was just waiting for you so I could get some whiskey. It seems like for some reason, all we had on the ranch is now gone.\u201d Adam said straight faced and Joe looked at him amused.<\/p>\n \u201cSure\u2014I have enough to share. That is if you like rot gut.\u201d Joe handed his second bottle over to Adam. Adam uncorked it and took a swig.<\/p>\n \u201cRot gut is very appropriate a name.\u201d Adam announced, his mouth burning from the taste.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, you just wanted a drink, huh?\u201d Joe asked knowing better. Even as he became more inebriated, he could tell his brother had something else in mind.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, Hoss and I are going out after Cade tomorrow. Pa won\u2019t be happy that I told you, but I felt you should know.\u201d Adam turned serious and saw his brother\u2019s eyes take on a frightened look. He could almost see the reflection of the man as Joe\u2019s mind thought again of his ordeal.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t bring him back for trial.\u201d Joe finally muttered.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Joe\u2014we don\u2019t plan to do that. We know what that would do to you. If we find him, we are going to kill him. Plain and simple, the man is dead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know why I can\u2019t go with you?\u201d Joe asked drinking more whiskey to summon the courage to talk about Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Joe. We can\u2019t do anything to take the memories away from you, but we can stop that bastard from ever doing what he did to anyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEven when he\u2019s dead, he\u2019ll still be in my head.\u201d Joe whispered and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cTime, Joe. Time is the only thing to help that.\u201d The compassion came out in Adam\u2019s words.<\/p>\n \u201cTime is all he left me.\u201d Joe replied and drank more. He turned and looked at his brother and said one last statement before heading inside the house. \u201cKill him.\u201d<\/p>\n The next morning<\/strong> at first light Joe peered out his bedroom window to see his two brothers leaving. He could tell, even from that distance, that they had a determined set to their shoulders and only one thought in mind; to find and kill Cade. Finding that he couldn\u2019t go back to sleep he dressed again in the same clothes he had worn the day before and made his way down the stairs. He took his seat at the table and noticed how his father stared at him. Joe knew he looked awful, and he wanted it that way. Ben, however, could not understand why his son chose to look so unkept. Joe had always prided himself in his attractiveness before but<\/p>\n now, he chose to look as unattractive as possible.<\/p>\n Ben passed Joe down a cup of coffee which he took without making conversation. Joe was having a bout with the hangover from the night of drinking. Ben could see the pain on his son\u2019s face and finally decided to address the issue.<\/p>\n \u201cThis drinking till all hours of the night has to stop, Joseph. You look terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m up and ready to do my chores. So, what\u2019s the problem?\u201d Joe retorted angrily.<\/p>\n \u201cThe problem is you are not eating right, you are not sleeping right, and on top of that you get drunk every night.\u201d Ben tried not to over-do the sternness of his tone but his concern continued to raise Joe\u2019s ire.<\/p>\n \u201cI can handle it. Hell\u2014I can handle anything!\u201d Joe answered raising his voice to almost a shout. He threw down his napkin and left the table saying, \u201cI\u2019ve got work to do.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben heard the front door slam as Joe departed. He dropped his head in his hands praying for the right words to bring him back his son. He wanted the boy with the quick grin and the contagious laughter. He wanted the boy who didn\u2019t mind being touched and comforted. He wanted the Joseph Cartwright who had looked so handsome and alive before Cade had taken all of that away.<\/p>\n Joe mopped his brow with his forearm and tossed another piece of wood onto the pile he had already cut. He had been working for hours chopping wood. With each swing of the axe he saw Cade\u2019s face and the wood splintered as if it were the man\u2019s head. Joe noticed how his father had decided to bring out his paper work to do on the table on the porch. He figured Ben wanted to keep an eye on him as he worked.<\/p>\n Shortly before noon, a wagon pulled up into the yard and Ben stepped off of the porch to greet the two visitors. A man stepped down and offered his hand toward Ben and introduced himself.<\/p>\n \u201cMy name is Kevin Patrick, and this is my wife Kay. We just purchased the old Fedderly place, thought we\u2019d come by and meet our neighbors.\u201d The man smiled and Ben nodded toward the woman who still sat in the wagon.<\/p>\n \u201cGlad to have you. I\u2019m Ben Cartwright.\u201d Ben paused and looked over towards Joe who continued to cut wood, totally ignoring the couple. \u201cAnd that young man hard at work is my son, Joseph.\u201d Ben gave Joe the eye and he finally stopped and just nodded his head towards them all.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve heard about the Ponderosa, it\u2019s beautiful.\u201d The woman smiled. Ben walked over to the young woman and noticed she was very pregnant.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019m sure you will have a nice place too. And it looks like we\u2019ll have another neighbor soon. When is the baby due?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n \u201cAbout a month. It\u2019s our first though so we\u2019ve never been through this before.\u201d Kay said showing a little concern in her voice.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019ve been through it three times. So don\u2019t you worry I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll be just fine. My other two sons, Hoss and Adam, are away right now. But, as soon as they\u2019re back we\u2019ll all come over and see if we can help you with anything. Right now, though, how about coming into the house and getting some lemonade?\u201d Ben offered the young couple.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. We best be going. Just wanted to stop by and meet you. We\u2019ve got supplies to get to the house.\u201d Kevin nodded at Ben and climbed back up into the wagon.<\/p>\n \u201cYou just let us know if you need anything\u2014anything at all.\u201d Ben insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will and thank you.\u201d Kevin and Kay waved goodbye and turned their wagon towards their new ranch.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to Joe<\/strong> who still stood staring past the departing wagon.<\/p>\n \u201cA new couple just starting out. Almost reminds me of your mother and me.\u201d Ben stated wistfully thinking back to his third wife.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2014it\u2019s a shame they\u2019ve got to bring a baby into this miserable world.\u201d Joe fiercely drove the axe down into the wood block and pulled down his sleeves.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d Ben began but Joe simply turned and walked away. He walked toward the barn and in a few minutes, he galloped out on Cochise turning his horse away from the ranch house. Ben stood in stunned consternation.<\/p>\n Ben stood in the barn and readied his horse for a long ride. He was more than worried now, as Joe hadn’t made it home the previous night. Ben was not at all sure where he would find the boy, only that he had to try. He thought on Joe\u2019s mental state and wondered if he would find his son alive. Ben\u2019s stomach churned as he led Buck out of the barn. Right before he put his left foot in the stirrup a horse appeared coming from around the barn. Ben stopped what he was attempting to do and walked over to see what the rider wanted.<\/p>\n \u201cCan I help you?\u201d Ben asked the man and then spotted a deputy\u2019s badge on his vest.<\/p>\n \u201cYou Ben Cartwright?\u201d The man answered looking down.<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m Deputy Baker from over in Carson. We got your son locked up and the sheriff told me to come fetch you to get him out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did he do?\u201d Ben sighed, now he knew where Joe was, but not what he had gotten himself into.<\/p>\n \u201cGot him on a drunken and disorderly charge. Got in a fight with some fellows. Busted up the saloon pretty good. Sheriff Clayton says he knows you all pretty good so he will release him to you. You ready?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m ready.\u201d Ben frowned and mounted his horse.<\/p>\n Ben stepped<\/strong> up the planked walkway that led to the Carson City Jail. He drew in a deep breath fighting to control his anger. Entering the doorway he was greeted by his friend Sheriff Bill Clayton.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t have to ask what brings you out this way, Ben.\u201d The sheriff smiled and shook Ben\u2019s outreached hand.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish it was a pleasure trip, believe me. So, tell me what happened.\u201d Ben sat down by the desk and removed his hat.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, the way the story goes, your son picked a fight with three loggers. I guess the boy was drunk. That\u2019s all I can figure. It was a fool thing to do, and it could\u2019ve gotten the kid killed. Luckily I was passing the bar when I heard the brawl. No-one is pressing any charges, so that\u2019s good. Damage to the saloon is gonna be around three hundred dollars.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head frustrated and opened his wallet. \u201cAnd the charges?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll let him off with just a warning this time, Ben. Next time though, I\u2019ll throw the book at him. I sure don\u2019t want to have to send someone to the Ponderosa to tell you he\u2019s been killed. And if he keeps doing these foolish things that\u2019s exactly what\u2019s gonna happen.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben counted out the three hundred dollars and handed it to the sheriff. \u201cThank you, Bill, I will make sure that Joseph doesn\u2019t come back here for a long while.\u201d<\/p>\n The sheriff put the money in his safe and then grabbed the keys. Both men walked through the doors to the jail cells. The sheriff unlocked Joe\u2019s cell and Joe stood up from his cot.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are free, Joe. But next time I\u2019ll put you at hard labor breaking rocks.\u201d The sheriff warned and Joe walked out. He didn\u2019t look into his father\u2019s eyes, he knew what he\u2019d see there.<\/p>\n Ben stood,<\/strong> hands on hips, his feet spread in his paternal stance waiting for an explanation from his son. They stood in the living room of the Ponderosa ranch house and squared off.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m waiting.\u201d Ben repeated it for the third time.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t have anything to say,” Joe replied, never looking into his father’s worried eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are trying to get killed, is that it?\u201d Ben yelled venting his worry.<\/p>\n \u201cI am indestructible, I thought you knew that, Pa.\u201d Joe replied, his voice laced with sarcasm.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you are not! And someone is going to get hurt and it\u2019s going to be you. Hurt or killed!\u201d Ben approached Joe only to see him turning towards the stairs. Ben, out of habit, grabbed Joe by the elbow and spun him around. Joe\u2019s eyes went wild as he drew back his arm abruptly.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t touch me!\u2019 Joe yelled and, in his mind, he saw Cade and not his father.<\/p>\n Ben stepped back and read the expression on Joe\u2019s face, witnessing the fear again. He wished he hadn’t broken the unspoken bounds. Ben wished he hadn’t grabbed Joe and forced him to remember the evil man’s touch.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Joe.\u201d Ben spoke quietly and watched as tears filled his son\u2019s eyes. He could tell that part of the boy wanted to break free of the hold Cade had on him and reach toward the protective arms of his father. But the victim in Joe prevented him from doing that, the part that still resented all human contact.<\/p>\n Joe looked up at his father and his mouth opened yet he couldn’t speak. He shook his head sadly, hopelessly, and turned and hurried up the stairs.<\/p>\n Chapter Four: A Time To Break Down and A Time To Build Up<\/em><\/p>\n Ben heard the horses<\/strong> as they thundered up to the ranch house. It had been four long days of worrying about his two oldest sons, and finally they were back. He made his way to the front door just as they were coming in. Ben read on their discouraged faces that they had yet to find Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cWelcome back boys.\u201d Ben greeted them as they removed their gun belts at the door.<\/p>\n \u201cDidn\u2019t have much luck.\u201d Hoss stated remorsefully and hung up his hat.<\/p>\n \u201cNo sign of them?\u201d Ben countered.<\/p>\n \u201cWe tried north and south\u2014that still leaves us east and west. We\u2019re gonna head back out in the morning but thought we\u2019d report back first. How\u2019s Joe?\u201d Adam asked as they all walked to the living room to sit down.<\/p>\n Ben shrugged his shoulders in response and said, \u201cAbout the same. Got into some trouble in Carson City the other day. But he hasn\u2019t gone off anywhere since then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStill drinking?\u201d Hoss wondered seeing the concern etched deeper in his father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n Ben nodded and sat back in his chair. Hop Sing came in from the kitchen and looked at three of his favorite people. He smiled broadly at them.<\/p>\n \u201cHave vely fine supper ready soon. Hop Sing made plenty of roast.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds good, Hop Sing. Especially after trying to choke down Adam\u2019s cooking on the trail.\u201d Hoss laughed and the cook hurried back to finish preparing their dinner.<\/p>\n Joe walked into the house and removed his jacket. He had already spotted his brother\u2019s horses as he rode up from the east pasture. He stared over at his family and could tell that they had not yet found their man.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2014come on over and join us.\u201d Adam called over and Joe reluctantly sat next to his oldest brother on the settee. He stared into the flames of the fireplace and waited to be informed.<\/p>\n \u201cWe are going back out tomorrow\u2014gonna try up in the rimrock area. That\u2019s one place Roy didn\u2019t spend much time in.\u201d Hoss explained.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are wasting your time. You\u2019ll never catch them.\u201d Joe answered sullenly.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll find them.\u201d Adam assured his youngest brother.<\/p>\n Hop Sing called over to the family, \u201cDinner ready you come now!\u201d<\/p>\n Everyone stood but Joe, he sat with his arms crossed tightly across his chest as though he was trying to hold in all the emotions he was feeling.<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon Joe.\u201d Hoss stopped short of patting Joe on the arm, remembering at the last minute that physical contact was taboo.<\/p>\n \u201cI ain\u2019t hungry.\u201d He whispered mainly to himself.<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing wants a family dinner\u2014let\u2019s all sit at the table at least. Maybe we can talk Pa into opening some of that special wine he has been hiding on us!\u201d Hoss continued to cajole his brother until he finally stood and walked with them over to the table,<\/p>\n Ben poured the wine into the four glasses. He refrained from having a customary toast, as there currently seemed to be nothing to celebrate. He passed the glasses to his sons. Throughout the meal, Ben led the conversation on many topics; none of which was the hunt for Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cSo that couple bought the old Fedderly place, huh?\u201d Adam remarked sipping his wine.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, it\u2019ll take a little of fixing up, but will be a great place for children. And they already have one on the way.\u201d Ben smiled at the thought.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe when we get back we can go over there and see if we can help.\u201d Hoss offered.<\/p>\n As the conversation persisted Joe fell into his own thoughts. He stared over at the guest room door once more. He closed his eyes and heard his own screams and smelled Cade\u2019s cigar smoke again. Joe held his left hand so tightly around his wine glass that the pressure of his internal anger mounted and the pure strength of it burst the glass. All of the other Cartwrights looked in shock at the way Joe simply sat, unmoving in the chair as if he had felt nothing. Ben hurried over to him and could see the scarlet drops of blood intermingled with the burgundy of the wine as it dripped down onto the white satin tablecloth. Joe sat transfixed on the guest room door and it was only the touch of his father\u2019s hand on his shoulder that brought him back to reality.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/strong> Ben exclaimed and reached for the boy\u2019s hand. He pulled the shard of glass from Joe\u2019s left palm and the blood dripped down faster. Joe stared down at it wondering what had happened. He suddenly stood as Ben\u2019s hand fell from off of his shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m okay.\u201d Joe said and rushed toward the stairs and away from all of the attention.<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright carried bandages and ointment up to his son\u2019s room, after giving Joe a few minutes to himself. He was determined to fix his hand regardless of any protest on his son\u2019s part.<\/p>\n \u201cI said I\u2019m okay.\u201d Joe sounded off as his father approached.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me see it.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice was riveting and he was not asking, he was commanding.<\/p>\n Joe frowned and opened his palm, displaying it under the light on his night stand.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s almost deep enough to need stitches.\u201d Ben complained as he prepared to doctor it.<\/p>\n \u201cIt doesn\u2019t hurt.\u201d Joe argued and reluctantly allowed Ben to inspect it more thoroughly.<\/p>\n Ben drew the side chair over and sat to cleanse the wound. He watched as Joe shut his eyes as he touched and prodded the cut. It was the first physical contact that the two had made for any duration of time and Ben was sure that Joe would eventually pull away as he had so many times in recent days.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, Joe. When you were a little boy, you always said I could make all the hurt go away.\u201d Ben stated as he slowly wrapped the palm with gauze bandage.<\/p>\n \u201cSome hurt never goes away.\u201d Joe whispered, thinking of a deeper wound than his left palm.<\/p>\n \u201cSome hurts just take a little longer, that\u2019s all.\u201d Ben replied and made it a point to hold onto Joe\u2019s hand longer than he needed to. Joe dropped his head down embarrassed by his weakness and finally pulled his hand out of his father\u2019s grip. Ben stood and gathered all of his medical supplies. \u201cCan I get you anything?\u201d He asked cautiously.<\/p>\n Joe shook his head and rolled onto his side avoiding his father once more. Ben left the room hoping in his heart that in some small way he had made a connection with his son.<\/p>\n \u201cIs Joe okay?\u201d Adam called over to his father from the living room. Ben finished putting away the ointment and then joined his two sons. He sat down in his chair exhausted emotionally.<\/p>\n \u201cHis hand will be all right.\u201d Ben replied.<\/p>\n \u201cHe sure isn\u2019t getting any better emotionally. He didn\u2019t even feel that glass cutting into his hand.\u201d Adam\u2019s worry crept out in his tone.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re gonna get Cade. Maybe that will help.\u201d Hoss was insistent.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head sadly. \u201cI don\u2019t think even that will help your brother. He has all his memories locked up in his head. It seems to be with him all the time. He drinks to escape it, but it\u2019s always there.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam walked over and dropped his hand down on his father\u2019s shoulder affectionately.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not saying that you don\u2019t want us to go after Cade, are you , Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I feel the same as each of you, and for the same reasons. If you find him, I want him dead. But, you make sure it\u2019s a fair fight.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice took on a more serious tone and he fought to control the situation.<\/p>\n \u201cFair!\u201d Hoss shouted and stood up from his seat. \u201cFair like his fight was with Joe? That animal does not deserve any more mercy than he showed the kid when he dragged him in that room!\u201d<\/p>\n Adam turned and faced his brother, he saw on his stricken face the rage which coursed through each Cartwright. He felt the exact way. But, Adam, being the oldest, knew what his father was saying. He tried to defuse Hoss, if only for the time being.<\/p>\n \u201cAll Pa is saying is that we don\u2019t back shoot him. He\u2019ll have a gun, so will we. I know you want to personally beat him to death. We all do. But, there\u2019s never going to be a doubt that we ambushed him or didn\u2019t let him look into our eyes when we kill him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019ll see my eyes!\u201d Hoss continued. \u201cHe\u2019s gonna know who we are and why we\u2019re killing him.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben watched the interplay between Hoss and Adam and worried about what might happen if they were lucky enough to find the assailant. He reasoned that Adam would find a way to help Hoss. He counted on his oldest son to do just that.<\/p>\n \u201cI just want you both to be careful. No matter what. I don\u2019t want another son shot or hurt due to that animal.\u201d Ben stood and reached for both of his sons.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t have to worry about us, Pa.\u201d Hoss assured and turned toward the stairs. “Well, if we\u2019re gonna hit the trail first light, we better get some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll be okay, Pa.\u201d Adam nodded and read his father\u2019s eyes. \u201cI\u2019ll make sure.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have faith\u2014faith in you both.\u201d Ben looked over as his two oldest sons made their way up the stairs. He prayed that they would be safe, and he prayed that they would find their man.<\/p>\n Hoss Cartwright<\/strong> leaned against his saddle resting blanketed by his bedroll on the cold ground. He sipped at his coffee trying to ward off the early autumn chill of night. Hoss stared over at his older brother who had been sitting quietly for what seemed like hours gazing into the campfire.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you thinking about?\u201d Hoss finally asked.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe.\u201d Adam stated shaking himself from his thoughts. He dropped his tin cup down and rested against his own saddle.<\/p>\n \u201cJust Joe\u2014or someone else?\u201d Hoss had caught the glimpse of an old pain as it reflected in his brother\u2019s dark eyes. Hoss knew it was a reminder of a girl that Adam once cared for.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know me too well.\u201d Adam nodded and sighed. \u201cI was thinking about Sarah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI thought so. You tried your best, Adam. Everyone tried to help her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd look what happened. She couldn\u2019t live with the memories and took her own life. I don\u2019t want that same fate to happen to Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t think he would do something like that do you?\u201d Hoss shuddered at the thought.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve seen him, Hoss. He\u2019s just a shell of his former self. I think Pa is right, even if we get rid of Cade permanently Joe will still be haunted by what happened.\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cBut kill himself? Not Joe! He\u2019s tough, he wouldn\u2019t do that!\u201d Hoss insisted, trying to convince his brother and also himself that it couldn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n \u201cHe is not the same kid, Hoss. And I\u2019m not at all sure if we\u2019ll ever really see our little brother again. This has changed him so. I know Pa will keep a watchful eye on him, but it seems as though Joe\u2019s depression is getting worse. The night he broke that glass in his hand and didn\u2019t even wince from the pain is a good example.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s get Cade. We have to focus on that for the time being. Then, we will see how best we can help Little Joe.\u201d Hoss reminded his brother of their purpose. He watched as Adam thought on it and then settled back.<\/p>\n The following day<\/strong> came the Cartwright brother\u2019s first bit of luck. The trail that seemed to be cold, suddenly warmed to tracks. Turning their mounts toward the high country they spotted a horse tied loosely to a thicket of sage and dismounted. Hoss was quick to fill his large hat with water for the animal, and the beast accepted it gratefully. Adam drew his pistol and surveyed the area. Slight impressions of boot prints appeared to head up toward a protrusion of rocks.<\/p>\n \u201cC\u2019mon.\u201d Adam whispered and Hoss pulled out his weapon and they went up the incline.<\/p>\n A solitary figure laid against a small crevice and the two Cartwright\u2019s hearts leaped thinking that at last they had found Cade. As they approached, the man still lay unmoving. Hoss reached him first as Adam cautiously looked around for the other known partner. Hoss noticed that there was blood coming out from under the man\u2019s shirt as he stared at his face to determine who they had found.<\/p>\n \u201cIt ain\u2019t Cade. It\u2019s his partner.\u201d Hoss called over to Adam discouraged.<\/p>\n \u201cSee if you can bring him around.\u201d Adam bent down next to the injured man. Hoss held up his canteen and poured a small amount of water down the man\u2019s throat. The man slowly blinked his eyes as he swallowed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Cade!\u201d Hoss demanded lifting the man\u2019s head up.<\/p>\n \u201cDouble cross.\u201d The man said hoarsely. \u201cShot me and took off with all the money.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich way did he go?\u201d Adam persisted even though the man was in bad shape.<\/p>\n \u201cNot sure.\u201d He answered frightened.<\/p>\n \u201cNot good enough!\u201d Adam yelled and shook the man.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m telling the truth. I don\u2019t know. He shot me and left me here two days ago. Rode off toward the east.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s get him to Virginia City, Hoss. After he\u2019s in jail where he belongs, we\u2019ll head out after Cade. At least he\u2019s only a couple days ahead of us and is probably hiding out.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss nodded and lifted the injured man. He brought him down the hill and planted him on his horse and then made sure his hands were securely tied behind him. It wasn\u2019t Cade, but it was somebody who had helped him perpetrate the attack. Both Cartwrights would have been happier to have just let the man stay and bleed to death, but they felt there may be more information they could get out of him once he had seen a doctor.<\/p>\n \u201cGoing somewhere?\u201d<\/strong> Ben asked as Joe walked across the living room and over to the hatrack. Joe strapped on his holster as his father drew closer.<\/p>\n \u201cJust into Virginia City.\u201d Joe muttered his reply.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2014\u201d Ben started but Joe stopped him short.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to get in any fights.\u201d Joe interjected remembering his ordeal in Carson City and knowing he was about to get the usual lecture.<\/p>\n \u201cI was just going to ask if you\u2019d like to join me for supper. I have to go into town later myself and thought maybe we could eat at the International House later.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not exactly dressed for entertaining.\u201d Joe answered, and that was an obvious fact. Still in his oldest and most unfitting clothes, he looked more like a weary saddle tramp than the son of an affluent rancher. \u201cBut I\u2019ll be at the bar if you want to stop by for a drink.\u201d Joe said half-hearted and turned to leave. Ben watched from the front door as Joe made his way out to the barn. He noted the form with its sagging shoulders and hunched appearance and remembered how the young man had been before. Ben missed the self-assurance and the proud saunter of his youngest son. He was determined to stop and see Joe in Virginia City to make sure he kept true to his word and didn\u2019t get into any trouble.<\/p>\n Joe walked down C Street and was careful not to look into anyone\u2019s eyes as they passed him. He fought to keep his distance from towns’ folks as they meandered about in the late afternoon. Joe had just reached the corner where he planned to cross over to the Bucket of Blood Saloon when a call rang out his name.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe turned around and saw the minister, Reverend Hastings approaching. He frowned wondering how to get rid of him so he could head for some badly needed alcohol.<\/p>\n \u201cHaven\u2019t seen you in a long while, Joe. How are you?\u201d The man smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cFine.\u201d Joe lied. \u201cI would stay and talk but I have plans.\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cCan I get you to help me with something first?\u201d Reverend Hastings was persistent.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Joe sighed trying to get out of it.<\/p>\n \u201cJust follow me down to the church, it will only take a couple minutes. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe followed the reverend down the street to the local church. They entered the building and Joe only took his hat off out of habit; not respect.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m afraid Bob Collier built the new pulpit out of solid oak, and I don\u2019t have the strength to move it by myself.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere do you want it?\u201d Joe asked hoping to finish with the task quickly.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s move it over to the left, up on that step I can see all of the faces of my parishioners especially the ones who sleep in the back.\u201d Reverend Hastings pointed to their target and laughed.<\/p>\n Joe and the reverend moved the large pulpit to its desired spot and Joe turned to leave.<\/p>\n \u201cWait a minute, Joe. Won\u2019t you sit for a minute with me?\u201d He asked.<\/p>\n Joe stared up at the stain glass window and watched as the afternoon light cast the colors brightly against his face. He looked down at the floor full of inner conflict.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay.\u201d Joe sat down in the front pew and waited for what the minister had to say.<\/p>\n \u201cI heard you all had some trouble out at the ranch a few weeks back.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat exactly did you hear?\u201d Joe was worried now, worried that someone else knew about what had happened with Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cJust that Hoss was shot and you were beaten up. Why? Is there something else?\u201d The reverend looked at the boy bewildered at the change he saw before him. The Joe Cartwright he remembered was bright and lively and usually the best dressed parishioner.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. We\u2019re all okay now.\u201d Joe lied once more.<\/p>\n \u201cYour eyes say different, Joe. Anything I can help you with?\u201d He asked compassionately.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess you can say I am having a crisis of faith. Isn\u2019t that what you ministers call it? You know when you don\u2019t believe that there\u2019s a God?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think everyone at some point of their lives have a crisis of faith, Joe. But you need to turn to God and not away from him.\u201d The minister\u2019s words were quiet and heartfelt.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd what if you just don\u2019t believe in God anymore? Then what?\u201d Joe shot his eyes away from the altar in front of him.<\/p>\n \u201cThen God will find you and bring you back.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, right.\u201d Joe said disbelieving and stood back up. \u201cI gotta go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe will find you, Joe.\u201d Reverend Hastings stood and called toward the departing young man. He then sat down and prayed for his young friend.<\/p>\n Sitting alone at the farthest table in The Bucket of Blood Saloon, Joe sipped on his whiskey. He had been there for hours and turned away many a friend from his table. He wanted his own company only. The dull effects of the alcohol taking longer than usual to start made Joe wonder just how many glasses he had consumed. How ever many, he reasoned it was not enough. He wanted to drink until he no longer remembered anything. But still the images appeared before him, and he signaled the bartender over for another bottle. Bruno had learned that his friend did not want conversation. He simply handed Joe the new bottle of whiskey and took the money Joe placed on the table.<\/p>\n The wafted smell of cigar smoke made its way over to where Joe sat. He froze at the aroma and closed his eyes in remembrance. He wondered if it could be Cade and fear paralyzed him momentarily. Finally, summoning his remaining senses, Joe looked across the room and spotted his father\u2019s business associate puffing on his cigar. It was enough to end Joe\u2019s sojourn at the Bucket of Blood, and he grabbed his bottle and headed outside.<\/p>\n Joe was somewhat surprised<\/strong> that it was now pitch black. He guessed he must have been in the saloon longer than he thought. Deciding it was time to find the livery stable and retrieve Cochise he headed down the street. As he rounded his final turn he was suddenly aware of the sounds of people shouting and the bright flames which were shooting out of the local boarding house. Joe dropped his bottle and ran across the street. The building was entirely engulfed in flames and heavy black smoke billowed out of the doors and windows.<\/p>\n The towns folks stood helplessly as they saw two frightened figures come to the second story window. There was no way into the building and everyone stood in horror. Joe dashed around the building and precariously climbed up the trellis. It was a fragile piece of wood lattice and barely could hold even the light weight of the young Cartwright. Joe did make it to the second floor walkway and hurried around toward the two screaming women.<\/p>\n \u201cStretch out a tarp! I\u2019m gonna throw them down!\u201d Joe screamed at the people below. He choked from the smoke pouring out and coughed waiting for them to move. Two men ran over to a wagon across the street and tore off its canvas covering. Then the people below circled around holding the material taunt as they waited to catch the first woman.<\/p>\n It was at this point<\/strong> that Ben Cartwright had stepped out of the International House and followed the water wagon and the Virginia City volunteer fire department down the street. He stood transfixed on the image of his son on the second floor. He watched as the flames leapt around Joe as he tossed the first woman down to safety. The people below caught her and readied for the next one. Joe took the second woman in his arms; she fought him as he did it. Her fear of falling to her death made her cling to the boys shirt. Joe finally broke her hands free and tossed her down. She, too, made it safely.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe!\u201d Ben yelled as he joined the men holding the canvas. \u201cJump!\u201d<\/p>\n Joe simply stood and waited, feeling the heat of the fire and his mind telling him to stay and let his life be over.<\/p>\n \u201cJump now!\u201d Ben yelled again as he saw the wood railing that Joe stood on start to break away. It was only the fact that the wood propelled him over that brought Joe down to the canvas and into the safety that was below.<\/p>\n People gathered around and everyone commented on the young man\u2019s bravery.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was the absolute bravest thing I have ever seen!\u201d The president of the Virginia City Bank remarked to Ben. Ben reached to pull his son up from the ground. He knew better. Ben knew what Joe\u2019s motivations were. It was not hard to be brave when you wanted to die.<\/p>\n \u201cMost fool hardy\u2014\u201d Ben stopped himself as Joe coughed into his fist releasing some of the inhaled smoke.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d Came Adam Cartwright\u2019s voice from behind the other on-lookers.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam? Where did you come from?\u201d Ben spun around to view his oldest son.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss and I just took a prisoner in for Roy.\u201d Adam spoke and saw Joe\u2019s eyes grow cold.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s the other one\u2014the one named Sam.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben stared over at Joe and then back at Adam. He left Joe\u2019s side and pulled Adam off by himself. \u201cI need some time with your brother alone. I\u2019ll explain later. You and Hoss get something to eat and give us a couple of hours.\u201d Ben\u2019s voice seemed unusually harsh and Adam could read the anger in it all too well. He reasoned that whatever it was, it concerned something that Joe had done.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Pa. We\u2019ll meet you home later. Then we\u2019ll fill you in on the rest of it all and you can fill us in on what happened here tonight.\u201d Adam walked off to find Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cGet your horse, Joseph.\u201d Ben commanded and walked with him down to the livery stable.<\/p>\n The ride home<\/strong> to the Ponderosa that night never seemed longer to Joe. Unfortunately the cool night air had worn off the effects of the alcohol and he was now stone cold sober. He stared over at his father and could tell that he was angry. Joe realized he was surely in for a lecture. Ben knew in his heart that he was close to losing his son forever if he didn\u2019t take some kind of action. He had tried to give the boy time to work out his feelings and all of the freedom in which to do it in. But, that only led to Joe falling deeper into his depression and closer to taking his own life. Ben determined he would have to make his son face up to the attack by Cade. He prayed that his plan would help Joe and not send him farther away from him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll have one of the hands tend to the horses. I want to see you in the house right now.\u201d Ben commanded as they dismounted in front of the ranch house. Joe followed his father inside closing the door behind them.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to his study and poured a shot of brandy, tossing it down in one fast swallow. He needed the strength in order to do what he knew he had to. Ben knew Joe had to confront the memories head-on in order to deal with them fully. He approached his son who stood in silence in the living room.<\/p>\n \u201cI just saw my youngest son trying to kill himself. Do you wonder why I am mad?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told you before, I am indestructible.\u201d Joe spat out heavy of sarcasm.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are going to face it, you are going to face it now!\u201d Ben drew closer.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d Joe shouted and tried for the stairs and his usual escape to his bedroom.<\/p>\n Ben caught Joe\u2019s arm and this time, unlike before, held tightly refusing to let go.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t touch me! Leave me alone!\u201d Joe screamed and fought to break free of the hold.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Joseph. This has to be done.\u201d Ben pulled Joe across the living room and over to the guest room. He opened the door and pushed Joe inside. Joe froze in his tracks his eyes focusing on the bed. Ben released his grip and Joe moved his way over to the wall where he had stood that night with Cade. His whole body was paralyzed with fear. Ben lit the lamp in the room and walked back over to his son.<\/p>\n \u201cTell me what you see.\u201d He begged Joe to release the haunted memories of his attack.<\/p>\n Joe stared as the scene flashed in front of his eyes. He saw Cade point the gun at him. He saw Cade pulling him over to the bed. It was then that Joe spoke out in a whisper all of his torment.<\/p>\n \u201cHe pulled me over to the bed; I fought him each step of the way. When he pushed me down, I turned and kicked him across the room. He came back and began punching me in the stomach until I couldn\u2019t breathe. Then he forced me down. He ripped my clothes. I begged him to just kill me, but he wouldn\u2019t. He held me down and I couldn\u2019t believe what was happening. I couldn\u2019t believe that it could happen to me. The more I cried the more he laughed at me. When– when he was done, I begged him again — begged him to kill me. But he wouldn\u2019t \u2014he wanted me to live with the memory of what he did to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s legs gave way<\/strong> and he sank down to the floor resting his head on his knees. He sobbed out of anguish and humiliation. \u201cWhy couldn\u2019t I have stopped him? Why couldn\u2019t you have stopped him?\u201d He asked his voice trembling.<\/p>\n Ben knelt down along side of his son. \u201cJoseph we were all victims that night. You couldn\u2019t stop him\u2014I couldn\u2019t stop him. Do you have any idea how I am haunted by this too? I hear your screams and know I did nothing, could do nothing to help you? What happened to you happened to this whole family.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI feel so ashamed.\u201d Joe confessed shaking his head back and forth hopelessly.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have nothing to be ashamed of Joe. It wasn’t your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe hurt me so bad, Pa. So bad.\u201d Joe made the move that Ben had been waiting for, praying for, for weeks. He reached over for his father and Ben pulled him into his arms. Joe yielded to his father\u2019s touch and continued to cry in his protective arms.\u00a0 All Ben could do was to hold his son as his sobs shook his chest.\u00a0 He hated that he had forced his son to face his fear, but he knew that Joseph had to or he would never be able to move forward with his life.\u00a0 Still, Ben hurt for the boy and all that he had endured.\u00a0 Life hadn’t been fair to his son and due to the cruelty of Cade Burroughs Joseph might always carry the scars from his attack and Ben knew it.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not ashamed of me?\u201d Joe whispered, afraid of what his father’s reply would be.<\/p>\n Ben drew Joe\u2019s chin up so that he could look into his eyes. \u201cAshamed? Never. What you have gone through has taken more guts than I\u2019ve seen displayed in my entire life. But, I need you to keep fighting this, Son. I can\u2019t stand the thought of losing you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPart of me is already lost, Pa. I don\u2019t know how to bring it back,” he sobbed.<\/p>\n \u201cSome of you came back tonight.\u201d Ben paused as Joe suddenly became aware of the fact that he was in his father\u2019s arms. The touch had not repelled him this time. Joe closed his eyes again and tried to feel safe for the first time in weeks.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll never be what I was before.\u201d Joe whispered against his father\u2019s vest.<\/p>\n \u201cNone of us will\u201d Ben reminded him as he wrapped his arms tighter around his son’s shoulders hoping to instill calm in him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll try, Pa. But I can\u2019t promise anything more than that.\u201d Joe conceded.<\/p>\n \u201cBring me back my son. The one I love so much.\u201d Ben pleaded, softly stroking the curls on his son’s head.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know how. I don\u2019t know if he still exists,” Joe responded hopelessly.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s in there somewhere, under all the hurt. You just have to look deeper.\u201d Ben watched as his son\u2019s eyes looked around the room again and he could almost feel the ever-present vision of Cade. \u201cLet\u2019s get out of here.\u201d Ben whispered and helped pull Joe to standing. Ben threw his arm around his son’s shoulder as he led him out of the room.<\/p>\n Ben sat in the chair next to his youngest son\u2019s bed and watched as he drifted off into an exhausted sleep. The night\u2019s events having taken their toll on Joe, he had not protested his father following him up to his room. They spoke no more of the horror of the night of the attack, both of them being emotionally spent by the time they had made it up to the bedroom.<\/p>\n Reaching over, Ben pulled up the covers when he was sure Joe was totally asleep. He brushed the hair off of his forehead and gave a tired sigh. He knew that Joe had only begun his laborious journey back from his ordeal. Ben knew that the assault had changed his son in so many ways that it wasn\u2019t going to be as easy as just getting him to talk as he had downstairs. No, Ben knew that there was a lot that still needed to be accomplished before he would ever see the famous Joe Cartwright smile again. Unfortunately, he also knew that the biggest part of the healing had to come from deep within his son, and hopefully would be aided by divine intervention.<\/p>\n \u201cPa?\u201d Adam whispered as he entered the bedroom followed by Hoss.<\/p>\n Ben turned and signaled the two to come closer. \u201cWhat happened with your prisoner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDidn\u2019t get too much from him, Pa.\u201d Hoss replied and moved to stand along side his father. He continued in a whisper, \u201cSaid that Cade double crossed him, shot him and left him for dead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat does not surprise me.\u201d Ben frowned at the thought of the evil man.<\/p>\n \u201cBut, we do know he\u2019s only about two days ahead of us now. Headed up towards the rimrock like we thought, heading due east.\u201d Adam interjected and saw his father take on a more hopeful countenance.<\/p>\n \u201cYou both come on downstairs. I don\u2019t want to wake Joe, I just got him to sleep. I\u2019ll tell you what happened in town.\u201d Ben stood and took one last long look at the sleeping Joe and then they all walked out of the room closing the door quietly.<\/p>\n Joe sat up in the bed. He had not been totally under as Ben had surmised when he heard the voices of his two brothers. Knowing how protective the family had been, Joe decided to play possum to learn of the information they had offered Ben. Joe knew now what he had to do. He knew that Hoss and Adam would leave out in the morning to track Cade down. He would have to head out as soon as the other Cartwrights turned in for the night.<\/p>\n Joe slowly made his way out of bed walking gingerly to prevent the floor from creaking and giving him away to the ones downstairs. He washed his face in the water basin to wake himself fully. Joe would wait and listen and as soon as he heard the last bedroom door close he would leave the house. Joe walked over to his desk and drew off a piece of paper and reached for a pencil. He knew he had to leave word as to where he was going, just in case his plans went terribly wrong. Joe chose his words carefully as he composed the letter to his father.<\/p>\n Pa, \u00a0<\/em>I\u2019ve gone out after Cade. I know you all want to kill him, but I want it so much more. You said you wanted your son back, maybe this will bring back at least a part of him. If anything happens please understand this was something that I had to do. \u00a0<\/em>Joe<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Chapter Five: A Time To Kill And A Time To Heal<\/em><\/p>\n Joe slipped out of the ranch house<\/strong> totally undetected. He had carefully checked both his Colt revolver and the rifle he had taken from the rack in the living room. After he had loaded up with ammunition, he hurriedly mounted Cochise and took off in the darkness heading eastward. Joe knew that the man was far ahead of him, but that did not matter. He would pursue Cade for months if need be. Something in Joe\u2019s mind told him he had to find the one who had injured his body as well as his soul. These thoughts spurred him onward.<\/p>\n Hoss prepared to saddle Chub the next morning and only stopped from tightening the saddle cinch when his eyes had caught sight of the empty stall. It was Cochise\u2019s stall. Hoss\u2019 heart went cold and he rushed back to the ranch house.<\/p>\n \u201cGot the horses ready that quick?\u201d Adam asked as he set down his coffee cup preparing to strap on his gun belt.<\/p>\n \u201cCochise is gone.\u201d Hoss stated flatly and looked toward the top of the staircase where he spotted his father. Upon hearing that statement Ben turned back toward the hallway and his youngest son\u2019s room. He was soon back at the stairs again and took them two at a time coming down.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s gone after Cade.\u201d Ben called out holding Joe\u2019s note in his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get the horses ready.\u201d Hoss said and started again for the door.<\/p>\n \u201cSaddle Buck. I\u2019m going too.\u201d Ben announced and reached for his holster.<\/p>\n Stopping only<\/strong> long enough to rest his horse, Joe was making good progress toward the high country. He had been on the trail all day and now the sun was setting behind the vast mountain range in the distance. Joe knew he would have to stop for the night and he spotted a safe clearing to bed down. Tying Cochise to a tree, Joe pulled off the horse\u2019s saddle and fed and watered the animal. He then prepared the campfire and spread out his bedroll.<\/p>\n Joe leaned back against his saddle and hoped that sleep would come. But when he closed his eyes all he could see was memories of Cade. Joe felt that unless he pushed himself to track the man down that he would never really be safe. He knew that his brothers wanted the kill themselves and before his trip into the guest room the previous night, that would have been just fine. Now it was something Joe knew that he had to do to gain back some kind of closure to the attack. He wanted to be able to track the man down and see fear in Cade\u2019s eyes the way the fear had been in his own eyes the night of the attack. Joe wanted to hear Cade scream out for mercy the way Joe had. The only difference being that if Cade were to ask to be killed, Joe would gladly oblige. Joe knew that the man only let him live because he knew it would be a long slow death instead of a quick one that a bullet would have brought. To live with the memories of the assault was much crueler than if he had taken Joe\u2019s life. Joe still felt regret that Cade hadn\u2019t ended his life and he was determined that either Cade would die or he would die himself, once the two met again.<\/p>\n Also bedding down for the evening were the other three Cartwrights. They were still several hours behind Joe and had ridden as hard as possible trying to catch up with him. Knowing that his tracks would be impossible to follow at night they reluctantly made camp.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s not too far ahead of us now, Pa, don\u2019t worry.\u201d Adam said handing his father a cup of coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d Hoss added. \u201cWe\u2019ll catch up with him tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben shook his head as he gazed into the campfire. \u201cI can\u2019t help thinking that it\u2019s my fault that he did this. If I hadn\u2019t taken him in that room\u2014\u201d Ben trailed off.<\/p>\n \u201cPa, you didn\u2019t have any other choice. Joe has been hellbent on getting killed. You had to do something!\u201d Adam protested sitting down alongside of Hoss.<\/p>\n \u201cHe was content in letting you both go after Cade, that is, until last night.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s a bad sign. He\u2019s trying to fight his way back, Pa.\u201d Hoss returned softly.<\/p>\n \u201cI pushed him right back at the man now! The last thing I wanted to do.\u201d Ben cursed himself internally, worried that Joe would indeed find Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll catch up to him long before he finds Cade.\u201d Adam insisted and saw his father sigh wearily and lean back against his saddle.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s get some sleep. First light we\u2019ll find your brother.\u201d Ben spoke pulling his hat down over his eyes. He couldn\u2019t help the dread he was feeling and said a quick prayer that they would get to Joe in time.<\/p>\n The next day<\/strong> the ride was harder and the trail rockier as it ascended upwards toward the mountains. Joe slowed his pace a bit to keep his mount from stumbling on the shale rocks. The air grew colder as did Joe\u2019s thoughts as he reached a crest and stared at the forest before him. He would have to choose his path by instinct alone now, as there were no tracks, no signs of anyone having been on the trail. Joe rode again until dark and found a small clearing surrounded by pine trees for protection from the night\u2019s falling temperature. After tending to Cochise, he made a fire and sat by it warming his hands. Joe knew it had only been two days since he had left the security of the ranch, but he missed it more than ever. He wondered if his family was following behind. Joe knew in his heart they would be, especially after what his behavior had been lately. Joe reasoned that his father and his brothers surely thought he was going insane. He worried about the fact that they just might be right.<\/p>\n Finishing his coffee, Joe spread out his bedroll and leaned back against his saddle. He drew his blanket up for warmth. He was more physically tired than he had thought and found himself falling into a deep sleep. His dreams were a jumbled collage of scenes from previous days and always the laugh of Cade broke out in them. Joe tossed back and forth on his bedroll trying to escape the man in his dream. He could, even in his sleep, smell Cade\u2019s cigar smoke. Joe fought his way back to reality. As he opened his eyes slowly, he saw the man standing in front of him. The cigar smoke had not been a dream. Cade stood there, smiling as he puffed away on his cigar. Cade\u2019s gun pointed directly at his victim. Joe slowly pulled himself into a seated position wondering if the scene before him was real or if he was still dreaming.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong, Joe? Looks like you\u2019ve just seen a ghost?\u201d Cade laughed. Joe reached over for his gun and saw his holster was empty. Panic filed his body as he looked back over at Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014sorry I already took care of all your weapons.\u201d Cade remarked and pointed across the camp where he had placed them. Joe made a dive towards the guns and Cade caught him and threw him back down. \u201cThat\u2019s not how we play the game, Joe. Don\u2019t you remember?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow did you find me?\u201d Joe asked as he tried to think of a way to catch the man off guard next time.<\/p>\n \u201cI have been watching you for two days. I even saw those two brothers of yours when they carried Sam away. I had planned to just high tail it out of here but then I thought about it and I knew that you would eventually come looking for me. It was worth the wait.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHolding that gun on me means nothing you know? I told you before that I\u2019m not afraid to die.\u201d Joe hissed out his warning.<\/p>\n \u201cOh I remember, Joe. I seem to recall you actually begging for me to kill you. This time I will take you up on it. But not just yet.\u201d With Cade\u2019s final word he went for Joe. Joe struggled against him as Cade drew back and managed to hit the back of Joe\u2019s head with the butt of his gun. Joe was rendered unconscious. Cade took his time tying his victim up. It was all just a game to the man, a sick and twisted game.<\/p>\n Joe blinked hard, his head aching and his vision somewhat blurred. He saw the form of his tormentor slowly coming into view. Cade sat back calmly drinking what was left from the coffee pot. He smiled sinisterly and drew closer to Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cYou got what you wanted, why did you stick around?\u201d Joe asked referring to the money he had stolen from the safe at the ranch.<\/p>\n \u201cI had to get rid of Sam first. Then that damn sheriff and his posse — they almost had me a couple of times. As a matter of fact, I was just about to get out of the area when I spotted you. I knew then that I had to see you one last time.\u201d Cade pulled out his knife from its sheath and placed the blade against Joe\u2019s right cheek. \u201cWhat\u2019s happened to you lately, Joe? You just don\u2019t look like the happy, good-looking kid that I remember. Something been troubling you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGet it over with.\u201d Joe said and closed his eyes waiting for his own death.<\/p>\n Cade lightly scraped Joe\u2019s cheek with his knife and then laughed again. \u201cI have to finish the game first. You enjoyed the last one didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c Kill me!\u201d Joe screamed. He was only answered by more sadistic laughter.<\/p>\n Three figures pressed<\/strong> against the trees surrounding the campsite where Joe was being held. Hearts pounding in unison the three men made their plans on how to enter the camp.<\/p>\n \u201cGo ahead Hoss. I think it will work.\u201d Ben whispered and Hoss quietly made his way to the back of the tree line.<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s go, Adam.\u201d Ben shot his oldest son a determined look and they approached the campfire, their guns drawn.<\/p>\n \u201cLet him go!\u201d Ben yelled as he approached. Cade spun around pulling Joe in front of him. He held the knife at the boy\u2019s throat and backed up against a tree.<\/p>\n \u201cDrop your guns\u2014both of you or I slit his throat!\u201d Cade warned. Ben and Adam looked at each other and tossed the guns down at their feet.<\/p>\n From behind the pine tree, what looked and felt like the arm of a grizzly bear reached out catching Cade around his throat. The man was paralyzed from the impact and dropped his knife involuntarily. Joe fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. Adam ran toward his brother as Ben retrieved all the weapons. He looked up and saw that Hoss was just about to squeeze Cade to death.<\/p>\n \u201cNot this way, Hoss!\u201d Ben shouted as he approached them both.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna kill the bastard!\u201d Hoss protested unrelenting.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, let him go.\u201d Ben begged and the big man finally let Cade loose. He fell to the ground coughing, trying to force air back into his lungs.<\/p>\n Adam untied Joe\u2019s arms and legs. He noticed how his brother had a fixed stare on his face and it was then that he realized the boy was in shock. Lifting him into his own arms, Adam carried him over to the warmth of the campfire. He drew off his coat and placed it around Joe\u2019s shaking shoulders and then pulled his brother back into his arms.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s gonna be okay now, Joe. We are here, he can\u2019t hurt you.\u201d Adam repeated over and over again rocking nervously back and forth. His main worry was that his brother had gone so far into his own mind that he may not be able to snap out of it. He felt Joe\u2019s warm rapid breath against his own neck. Wondering if Joe was indeed lost to them forever, Adam noticed a single tear as it fell out of his brother\u2019s left eye. He pushed it aside hoping it was a sign that Joe was still in there somewhere. Adam would have shielded Joe from the sight of his assailant, but he didn\u2019t have to. Joe\u2019s eyes remained fixed as the shock continued.<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright\u2019s fists opened and closed as he tried to fight his primal instincts. He wanted to just shoot the man down right then and there and have it be over with. Yielding to all that he had taught his sons through the years, he knew he had to do it in a different fashion.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss, pick up Cade\u2019s gun.\u201d Ben said and watched as his middle son also fought to control the urge to kill the man. He handed the weapon over to his father and moved over to be next to Adam and Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cIs he okay?\u201d Ben called over to Adam who still held the trembling Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s in shock, Pa.\u201d Adam replied.<\/p>\n \u201cNow you\u2019re going to die.\u201d Ben warned Cade as he moved a good distance from the man who still sat on the ground. He tossed him the gun. \u201cReach for it.\u201d Ben yelled.<\/p>\n \u201cFair fight, huh?\u201d Cade laughed maniacally. \u201cAnd what if I don\u2019t pick it up?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen I kill you right now and put the gun in your hand afterwards.\u201d Ben threatened never taking his eyes off of the evil before him.<\/p>\n Cade slowly picked up the pistol and stood with it at his side. Ben holstered his gun after he saw Cade put his away first. They stood there staring down each other. Hoss and Adam watched holding their breath waiting for what was to happen. Finally, Cade made his play a second before Ben\u2019s shot rang out. The bullet grazed Ben\u2019s left arm taking with it a piece of his shirt. But Ben Cartwright\u2019s bullet found a solid target and drove its way into the man\u2019s chest piercing his heart.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to stare down at the dead man. His thoughts turned to the night his son had been attacked. Ben wished that he could have stopped him that night, to save his son from all the torment. But, at least, Cade was dead and no longer a threat to anyone. Ben turned and approached his sons and Hoss inspected his father\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n \u201cJust took off a little hide.\u201d Hoss remarked and tied Ben\u2019s kerchief around the wound.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine. How\u2019s Joe?\u201d Ben kneeled down to look at this youngest. Adam still held him hoping that he would come back.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll stay with him, Pa. You and Hoss get rid of Cade. If Joe comes to, the last thing he needs to see is that bastard\u2014dead or not.\u201d Adam spoke out still filled with anger toward Cade flowing through his soul.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d Hoss paused and noticed his father\u2019s anguish at the sight of Joe\u2019s condition. \u201cHe\u2019ll be okay once we get him home tomorrow, Pa.\u201d Hoss reassured and walked off to rid the camp of the Cade\u2019s body.<\/p>\n The next morning<\/strong> the Cartwrights broke camp. Joe hadn’t come back to them yet. His eyes still fixed in a stare, the most they could do for him was to get some water down his throat and keep him warm. With his father’s coat to shield him from the chill of the morning, Joe was helped up onto the saddle. Ben wrapped his arm around his youngest son’s waist to keep him balanced in the saddle as the four Cartwrights began their journey back to the ranch. Hoss led Cochise and Adam rode next to his father and Joe who were both mounted on Buck. Ben worried as to what had happened between Joe and Cade the night before. While holding the boy to his chest, Ben prayed that he hadn’t been harmed as badly as he had been there at the ranch.<\/p>\n The ride back to the ranch was grueling. They had to accomplish the two-day journey in one day as they fought to get Joe home and have him looked at by the doctor. It was almost midnight by the time they finally reached the ranch house, and both the men and the animals were exhausted. Ben handed his youngest down into the waiting arms of his brother Hoss and dismounted. The big man carried Joe into the house and up the flight of stairs. Hoss left his little brother in his father’s care and sent a ranch hand into Virginia City to summon Doctor Martin before putting the four horses back in their stalls.<\/p>\n Settling Joe into his own bed, Ben removed the boy’s boots and tried to make him more comfortable. So far, the only damage that he had detected was a lump on the back of Joe\u2019s head and a minor cut on his cheek. Ben worried about what damage he couldn\u2019t see. He pulled up the chair and sat down alongside the bed and waited.\u00a0 Ben brushed aside Joseph’s fallen bangs and swept a hand down his cheek, so worried about the boy’s encounter with Cade and what might have happened during the time he had been held captive.\u00a0 He tried not to think the worst, but the idea kept invading his thoughts.\u00a0 *** What did he do to you, Joseph? ***<\/strong><\/em> Ben wondered.\u00a0 Adam soon joined him and carried up some coffee for his father and himself.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, Pa. Looks like it\u2019s gonna be a long night.\u201d He said, handing Ben the cup.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks.\u201d Ben nodded and took the cup gratefully.<\/p>\n \u201cThe kid\u2019s really out of it isn\u2019t he?\u201d Adam worried as he sat down next to his brother on the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know how long Cade had a hold of him, Adam. We don\u2019t know what he\u2019s been through this time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cToo bad you can only kill somebody once, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Adam\u2019s remark came off venomously.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, it is. But he is dead now. If Joe knew that, maybe he\u2019d come around. I have the feeling that in Joe\u2019s mind right now Cade is very much alive.\u201d Ben reached over and felt his son\u2019s forehead. There was no fever, but Joe\u2019s stare remained unbreakable.<\/p>\n Three o\u2019clock in the morning<\/strong> brought with it a very tired Doctor Paul Martin to the ranch house. After being briefed by a weary Hoss, he walked up to Joe\u2019s bedroom. He saw the other Cartwrights still sitting at Joe\u2019s bedside and approached them.<\/p>\n \u201cHoss told me most of it.\u201d Paul announced taking Joe\u2019s wrist and checking his pulse. \u201cWhat did that animal do to him this time?\u201d He asked, turning to confront Ben.<\/p>\n Ben shook his head. \u201cWe don\u2019t know. We don\u2019t know how long he was holding Joe before we got there. He has a lump on the back of his head and that cut on his cheek. That\u2019s all we know right now, other than the fact he has been in shock ever since we got to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou two go downstairs. I\u2019ll check him thoroughly and be down shortly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t think\u2014\u201d Ben started and was stopped in mid-sentence by the doctor.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, Ben. I\u2019ll let you know.\u201d Paul answered knowing what the worried father was alluding to. The question was in all their minds at the time, even the doctor\u2019s. Had Cade assaulted Joe again? Paul prayed that he would find no evidence to prove that was the case.<\/p>\n Only the fear about Joe\u2019s condition kept the three men downstairs from falling to sleep as they awaited the doctor\u2019s findings. They sat in the living room forcing down coffee to stay awake. It wasn\u2019t long before the doctor walked down the stairs and over to the family.<\/p>\n \u201cThis time I\u2019ll just take some coffee.\u201d Paul smiled over at Ben, and in his statement revealed it was good news he had to offer not like the previous time he had examined Joe. Hoss poured the doctor a cup and handed it to him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not making light of Joe\u2019s condition. It does worry me. But at least we know that you all got there in time\u2014before anything else happened.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen, he didn\u2019t?\u201d Adam asked in broken language unable to choke out the words.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, there\u2019s no indication of an assault.\u201d Paul assured and saw three men breathe easily for the first time all night.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about the shock\u2014anything we can do?\u201d Ben asked, fearful over the duration of time that Joe had been unresponsive.<\/p>\n \u201cI gave him a sedative just to keep him calm. It will knock him out for the rest of the night. We will see what tomorrow brings. Can you put me up for the night?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course. Take the room next to Joe\u2019s.\u201d Ben insisted standing.<\/p>\n \u201cMy advice to all of you is to get some rest. You\u2019ll be of no use to Joe if you are worn out tomorrow. Joe is stable and there\u2019s nothing you can do for him right now but let him sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou heard the Doc, Boys. Everyone to bed.\u201d Ben called out.<\/p>\n \u201cThat means you, too, Ben Cartwright.\u201d Paul smiled knowing the father would probably sit in a chair all night next to his youngest son\u2019s bed. \u201cBut, first, let me have a look at that arm of yours.\u201d The doctor noted that the bullet wound was only a graze. He administered some ointment and covered the wound with a bandage. \u201cNow, go on to bed.\u201d Paul insisted.<\/p>\n \u201cBut what if he comes around?\u201d Ben protested, not wanting Joe to wake up alone in case he was still unsure of his surroundings like he had been up at the camp earlier.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be in the next room. Now doctor\u2019s orders. Everyone go to bed.\u201d The doctor admonished the Cartwrights, and slowly they made it to their rooms.<\/p>\n Hop Sing made sure he had a big breakfast waiting for the Cartwrights and Doctor Martin the next morning. After he had set everything out, he made his way up to Joe\u2019s room and ordered all the others downstairs to eat it. He stayed by the boy\u2019s bedside and waited.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s still out of it.\u201d Hoss commented to his father as he started passing the platters around the table.<\/p>\n \u201cThe sedative I gave him should wear off soon.\u201d Doctor Martin replied as he sipped his coffee.<\/p>\n \u201cSeeing Cade again, having to face him, has set Joe back again.\u201d Ben commented just as an ear-piercing scream came from upstairs. The four men stood and hurried up the staircase. Upon entering Joe\u2019s room, they saw Hop Sing trying his best to keep Joe in bed. The boy was fighting like a wildcat to flee. Ben and the doctor took opposite sides of the bed and grabbed each of Joe\u2019s arms allowing Hop Sing to step back.<\/p>\n \u201cI have to get out of here!\u201d Joe screamed. \u201cCade is here let me go!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, it\u2019s okay now. Cade is dead.\u201d Ben tried in a soft voice to release Joe from his terrifying vision.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, he\u2019s not! I can see him!\u201d Joe continued to fight against the hold.<\/p>\n Doctor Martin shook his head, indicating to Ben that they needed to do something to settle the boy down. \u201cAdam\u2014hand me my bag and take over here.\u201d He called and changed places with Joe\u2019s brother.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe,\u201d Adam tried this time, \u201cJoe, Cade is dead. Pa shot him. He can\u2019t hurt you now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s here\u2014I can see him.\u201d Joe continued his plea to be let loose. The doctor drew up some medication in a syringe and injected his right arm with it.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam\u2019s right, Joseph. I killed him. He can\u2019t ever hurt you again.\u201d Ben sat down next to Joe as the muscles in his arms started to go lax with the medication taking over. Joe stared into his father\u2019s eyes and said weakly, \u201cNo, Pa. He\u2019s still here.\u201d And with that, Joe fell into the drug-induced sleep.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s just coming out of shock, Ben. Don\u2019t worry too much.\u201d Paul tried to ease the strain he saw on the worried father\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cHe was so adamant that Cade was in here\u2014\u201d Ben trailed off.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s been through some pretty rough trauma. It\u2019ll take a while. I\u2019ll check in on him later. I need to stop by and check on Mrs. Patrick before going back into town. The doctor closed his medical bag and looked back at the three concerned faces. \u201cGive him time. Try not to worry.\u201d He said and turned to leave.<\/p>\n Adam Cartwright<\/strong> walked into his bedroom deep in thought. He had left his father in Joe\u2019s room with Hoss. He wanted some time to himself to think. Walking to his bureau, Adam opened the top drawer and took out a small chest. He opened it and retrieved a gold heart-shaped locket. Taking it in his hand he walked to his bed and sat down. The memories flooded his mind. Memories of a girl he had given the locket to. His mind went back to the day he had given it to Sarah. They had gone on a picnic down by the lake and he had made her close her eyes as he placed it in the palm of her right hand.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam? What\u2019s this?\u201d She asked surprised at the gift.<\/p>\n \u201cJust something I wanted you to have.\u201d He smiled and placed it around her neck fastening the clasp.<\/p>\n \u201cBut we agreed that we were just going to be friends.\u201d She sighed at the thought of their on again and off again relationship. They were too much alike. Both prone to bouts of broodiness and with the love of books.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, who says that I can\u2019t give my best friend a gift?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBest friend?\u201d She asked unaware that Adam thought of her that way.<\/p>\n \u201cBest friend.\u201d Adam insisted. \u201cAnd the prettiest girl on this planet.\u201d He kissed her cheek.<\/p>\n \u201cI hope we are always best friends.\u201d Sarah smiled down at the heart pendant.<\/p>\n \u201cTill death do us part.\u201d Adam laughed. He was willing to settle with Sarah as his friend for life.<\/p>\n \u201cTill death do us part.\u201d She repeated.<\/p>\n Adam stared down at the pendant as the memory faded slowly. He remembered Sarah\u2019s father handing him the pendant back the day of Sarah\u2019s funeral. He kept it as a remembrance of his best friend.<\/p>\n \u201cSon? Are you alright?\u201d Ben\u2019s voice came from the doorway. He noticed the look on his oldest son\u2019s face. Then, approaching the bed he saw the locket that Adam held.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d Adam replied with little emotion. Ben moved to sit down next to his oldest son.<\/p>\n \u201cSarah.\u201d Ben commented softly. \u201cI was worried that this would bring it all back to you again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI could almost see her face a minute ago when Joe was screaming about Cade. The same frightened look I saw on Sarah. Even after the posse tracked down her attacker, she never came out of it.\u201d Adam\u2019s voice was tinged with a deep regret that he could not save the young girl.<\/p>\n \u201cYou did your best. Sarah could not be saved, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Joe? What about him? Do we watch as he does the same thing?\u201d Adam stood and anger at the situation controlled his emotions. Ben stood and followed his son over to the bureau.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, not Joseph. He will find his way back. I know he will.\u201d Ben insisted, trying to push the thought of losing his youngest out of his mind.<\/p>\n \u201cI hope so, Pa.\u201d Adam said sadly as he placed the locket back into the chest and closed the drawer.<\/p>\n The sun had already begun to set<\/strong> as Ben made his way back into Joe\u2019s room to check on him again. Hoss stood and stretched giving up his seat for his father. He had kept his own vigil for hours waiting for his little brother to wake up. Hoss was determined to help Joe no matter how awful his reaction was going to be when he returned to them.<\/p>\n \u201cYou go get some supper. Hop Sing has it waiting for you.\u201d Ben announced sitting down wearily.<\/p>\n \u201cHe hasn\u2019t moved for hours.\u201d Hoss sighed. \u201cYou\u2019d think the medicine would have worn off by now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt might not just be the medicine, Son. Joe may be fighting not to come back to reality. He may be too afraid of what he will find here. Especially if he still thinks Cade is alive.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss squeezed his father\u2019s shoulder and gave a knowing nod and left the room.<\/p>\n A little more than an hour later Joe began to stir in bed giving the sign that he was waking. Ben moved to sit next to him just in case his reaction would be what it had earlier.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph? Can you hear me?\u201d Ben whispered softly.<\/p>\n Joe shot up in bed, instant panic taking his breath away. Ben grabbed his shoulders to keep him from bolting off of the bed.<\/p>\n \u201cKill me!\u201d Joe yelled seeing Cade\u2019s face in front of him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph, you are safe now. You are home. See? You are here in your room.\u201d Ben tried not to raise his voice. He wanted to bring Joe back slowly if he could. Joe broke his stare and fell back onto the pillows. He turned his head and only then did he notice his father sitting next to him.<\/p>\n \u201cPa? How did you get here?\u201d Joe asked muddled in confusion. He thought he was still back in the camp where he had been held a prisoner by Cade.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014you are home. We brought you home last night. Everything is all right, Son. Settle down now.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe surveyed his surroundings and bewilderment took over his face. \u201cCade\u2014he found me, Pa.\u201d Joe mumbled still confused.<\/p>\n \u201cI know, Joe. But we found you too. He\u2019s dead now. He can\u2019t ever hurt you again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure? You sure he\u2019s dead? I just saw him.\u201d Joe looked around the room waiting for the vision to come back.<\/p>\n \u201cI killed him. He is dead and buried.\u201d Ben repeated as he watched Joe\u2019s further confusion.<\/p>\n \u201cHe wouldn\u2019t kill me, Pa. I asked him to and he wouldn\u2019t do it.\u201d Joe whispered in disbelief.<\/p>\n Ben held his son close to him and did not let go. He could feel the way Joe\u2019s body quaked with the memory of his abduction. Ben worried that the last go round with Cade had affected the boy\u2019s mind permanently.<\/p>\n \u201cTry not to think of him right now, Joseph. You are home and safe and that is all that matters right now.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t let him come back, Pa. He will you know.\u201d Joe whispered and buried his face in his father\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s never coming back, Joseph. I promise you\u2014he\u2019s never coming back.\u201d Ben kept repeating until his son fell back to sleep.<\/p>\n Exhaustion had taken over Ben, and he fell off to sleep in the chair next to Joe\u2019s bed. He didn\u2019t hear his son as he quietly made his way out of the room. Joe had gathered his clothing and dressed in the dimly lit hallway and then made his way down the flight of stairs. He walked over to the rifle rack and drew out a rifle. Standing there, he carefully loaded the weapon. Hoss had heard the sound in the hallway and saw from the first landing his brother preparing the gun.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe?\u2019 Hoss called quietly as he made his way down the stairs and over to his brother. \u201cWhat are you doing, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got to kill Cade. I know you and Adam want to, but I have to do it.\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes were dark and determined.<\/p>\n \u201cGive me the rifle, Joe. C\u2019mon it\u2019s okay. Let\u2019s talk for a minute first.\u201d Hoss pleaded with him.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Hoss. I have to do it.\u201d Joe protested refusing to turn over the weapon. Hoss walked over to the settee calmly and waved for Joe to come and sit next to him.<\/p>\n \u201cTalk to me first, Joe. You can keep a hold of the rifle if you want. It\u2019s okay.\u2019<\/p>\n Joe looked at his brother. He felt an impatience to be off and onto the kill. Finally, he walked over and sat down next to Hoss. He still held the rifle tight in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cNow, Little Brother.\u201d Hoss started softly. \u201cHave I ever lied to you?\u201d He asked.<\/p>\n Joe looked down at the floor and shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, then. And I ain\u2019t about to start now. You are just a little confused right now, is all. But, that\u2019s okay. Let me tell you what happened. Me and Pa and Adam got to the camp and found you with Cade. I would have choked the man to death, but Pa made me let go. Then, Pa tossed him a gun and the two of them\u2014Pa and Cade shot it out. Cade winged Pa\u2019s arm, but Pa made a dead shot in Cade\u2019s chest. He died instantly.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked up at his brother as tears streamed from his eyes. He fought to believe what Hoss had just related to him.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s dead?\u201d Joe asked trembling, trying his best to take the information in to his brain.<\/p>\n \u201cI buried him myself. I\u2019d never lie about something like this\u2014you know that!\u201d Hoss assured his brother and put his arm around his shoulder. Joe let the rifle rest up against the coffee table and covered his face with his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought I saw him, Hoss. Maybe I\u2019m going crazy.\u201d Joe sobbed.<\/p>\n \u201cNo you aren\u2019t. You\u2019ve just been through so much. It\u2019ll go away. It might take some time but it will. Especially now that you know he is dead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPa really killed him?\u201d Joe asked again to confirm all that Hoss had said.<\/p>\n \u201cHe sure did.\u201d Hoss patted his brother\u2019s shoulder. \u201cNow let\u2019s go get you back in bed. You gotta get some rest. Everything is going to be fine.\u201d Hoss helped Joe to stand up and he walked with him up the stairs. When they reached the top step Hoss saw his father. Ben had been standing there the whole time listening to his two sons. Ben nodded to Hoss that he had done a good job.<\/p>\n Chapter Six: A Time To Be Born And A Time To Die<\/em><\/p>\n The following few days<\/strong> brought with them changes in Joe\u2019s behavior. He no longer screamed out at the visions of Cade, though he still felt the man\u2019s presence around him. Joe was unusually quiet, his motions slow and his depression heightened. All the other Cartwrights noticed the changes and worried as to what they meant.<\/p>\n Hop Sing had laid out a change of clothes for Joe on the end of the bed. It was time for Joe to start to get up and move around and try to fit back into the everyday life on the ranch. Joe looked at the pants and shirt and sighed. They were not the old clothes that he had been use to wearing. He pulled them on, not protesting the reason that they had been chosen for him. It was Hop Sing\u2019s own way of telling him to try to be as he had before. Before Cade.<\/p>\n Joe made his way to the breakfast table. His family noticed an improvement in his appearance. Joe had shaved away the stubble of beard that he had been wearing for weeks. His hair had been brushed and they all knew what an effort it was for Joe to have come down the stairs and try to appear normal. No-one spoke of the changes, not wanting to set the young man off or to embarrass him.<\/p>\n As they ate their meal, the family could tell how it was only the change in Joe\u2019s appearance that was truly different. Joe did not converse with the rest of them as they spoke of the upcoming cattle drive. He answered all questions in one word responses and sat speechless throughout most of breakfast. Before the meal was over Hoss made an attempt to bring Joe around a little.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, we got the new horses in. How about you and me going over to check them out?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot today.\u201d Joe replied sullenly.<\/p>\n \u201cIt might do you some good, Joe. You know getting out of the house for awhile?\u201d Hoss continued.<\/p>\n \u201cJust not today. Excuse me.\u201d Joe stood and walked off going outside to get away from the worried stares of his family.<\/p>\n \u201cDoctor Martin said that he might be like this for awhile.\u201d Ben reached over and patted Hoss\u2019 arm. \u201cWe just have to give him some time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s worse than he was before, Pa. At least before he was angry and all. Now he looks like he just plain has given up on life.\u201d Hoss returned anxiously.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Brother.\u201d Adam broke in. \u201cWe are all going to keep our eyes on him.\u201d<\/p>\n Hoss frowned. He wished he had the power to free his brother from all his memories and all of his hurt. It was totally out of his control, as well as his family, and he wondered if Joe had anything left deep inside of himself that would help him find his way back.<\/p>\n Hoss and Adam<\/strong> left for the day of work, setting themselves for the various tasks that had to be accomplished in readying for the cattle drive. They were so used to Joe being with them for the spring round up and drive east it seemed odd not to see his pinto next to them as they made their way out to the herd.<\/p>\n Ben kept a watchful eye on his youngest son that day. Always in the back of his mind was the worry of the boy\u2019s emotional state. Joe did menial chores, something he had always rejected doing in the past. He cleaned the barn and chopped wood, staying close to the ranch house. By noon Ben made his way out to the barn where Joe was polishing saddles. He watched Joe for awhile wondering what was in his mind. Joe\u2019s actions were slow and monotonous as he continued to apply the saddle soap and go over the same areas of the saddle.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph\u2014\u201d Ben started walking towards the stall where the saddle was mounted. \u201cI was going into town, I was hoping maybe you\u2019d ride with me.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe continued to polish the saddle, never turning toward the voice of his father.<\/p>\n \u201cNot today.\u201d Joe mumbled.<\/p>\n \u201cYou sure? I could really use the help with the supplies?\u201d Ben continued on.<\/p>\n \u201cNot today, Pa.\u201d Joe repeated.<\/p>\n Ben drew closer and took the cloth from Joe\u2019s hand, forcing his attention.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, it\u2019s not that I don\u2019t appreciate all that you have done today. I do. But, you are wasting your talents. You know you are the best wrangler on this ranch. We need your expertise with the horses. These barn chores can be done by anyone. You are much too vital to have hanging around here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just don\u2019t want to be around anyone right now. Pa, you just have to understand.\u201d Joe whispered fighting to control his emotions.<\/p>\n Ben frowned, he had hoped that he could get his son to start trying to fit back in with everything, but was losing the battle.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Joe. I won\u2019t push. But, I would appreciate it if you would go look at the new horses. There\u2019s a whole corral full of them up at the east meadow. The hands are all off with the herd, so you won\u2019t run into anyone. Will you go and check them out for me? They were purchased from a string that Harve Jenkins had, and I\u2019m not sure we got our money\u2019s worth.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe knew what his father\u2019s intentions were. He yielded to his request, knowing how persistent Ben was when he set his mind to it.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll go out later.\u201d Joe conceded finally.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, Son. I\u2019ll be back after awhile.\u201d Ben briefly touched Joe\u2019s shoulder and walked away.<\/p>\n Joe did as he had promised later that afternoon, and rode out to the east meadow. He tied Cochise up to the main gate and stepped inside the fencing to inspect the string of horses. This use to be one of his favorite things to do, he had always been enthusiastic over the purchase of new horses for the ranch. One by one he looked them over. Joe went through the motions as he had so many times in the past, but found no joy or sense of accomplishment when he was finished with the task. He made his way out of the corral and back to Cochise. Mounting his horse, he turned and instead of heading back for the house, he headed south towards Lake Tahoe.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019s Joe?\u201d<\/strong> Adam called walking in to the ranch house, throwing down his hat.<\/p>\n \u201cI sent him out to look at the new horses. I just got back myself from town. He\u2019s probably still out there.\u201d Ben replied from his chair in his study.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s not out there, Pa. I was just out there myself.\u201d Adam had worry in his response.<\/p>\n Ben stood and walked over to get his hat and holster. \u201cI\u2019d better go and check on him. He\u2019s probably just out riding.\u201d Ben tried to ease his oldest son\u2019s mind. He could read in Adam\u2019s facial expression what he was thinking. \u201cDon\u2019t fret, Adam. He\u2019s okay. I\u2019ll be home as soon as I find him.\u201d Ben said and walked out of the house.<\/p>\n The cool wind<\/strong> from the lake blew across the shore and up into the trees which surrounded Marie Cartwright\u2019s grave site. Joe was not sure what had possessed him to go there that afternoon. He pulled off his hat and sat down on the tall grass which grew around his mother\u2019s final resting place. Staring at her tombstone he began talking to her.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know why I am here, Mama. Right now I don\u2019t know much of anything. When I\u2019ve come here before I was so sure you could hear me. Like you were looking down on me from heaven. Pa always said that anyway. But, now, I don\u2019t know if there is a heaven\u2014or a God for that matter. If you are in heaven\u2014is it peaceful? All the pain from this world \u2014is it gone now? I wonder what that would be like. To not feel pain. To be somewhere where there is no hurt. It sounds awful good to me. You know all the others\u2014Pa, Adam, and Hoss\u2014think I\u2019ll be okay. Somehow they think I can get over what Cade did to me. I can\u2019t. And I really don\u2019t want to be here anymore. I can\u2019t see anything worth sticking around for anymore. I think the only reason why I haven\u2019t ended it all is because of them. I don\u2019t want to hurt them. But, I don\u2019t want to live any longer.\u201d Joe wiped his eyes and stood again. \u201cMaybe you can\u2019t really hear me anyway. Maybe there\u2019s nothing else when you die. But, even that would be better than this.\u201d Joe said and walked away.<\/p>\n Joe led Cochise down the hill and out onto the sandy shore of the lake. He dropped the reins and the horse walked to the shoreline and drank from it\u2019s water. Joe walked out onto the rocks which jutted from the shore outward into the lake. He climbed farther and farther out, finally reaching the last rock. Joe sat and stared at the lake, it\u2019s azure blue no longer as awe inspiring as it had always been to him. Joe remembered his youth and the many times he had climbed out to this very spot and how it had always lifted his spirts. Today he found no joy in it. The vastness of the lake only reminded Joe of the vastness of time he had to live with his haunting memories.<\/p>\n Ben stood<\/strong> at the bottom of the hill and spotted first the pinto, and then the figure sitting on the rock. He made his way over to Cochise and dropped Buck\u2019s reins down next to the other horse. Ben made the trek out to the last rock and sat down next to his son. He didn\u2019t say anything, waiting for Joe to be first.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I worried you.\u201d Joe apologized, knowing why his father had tried to find him.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought maybe you\u2019d come out here. I don\u2019t think I will ever grow tired of that view. It is breathtaking, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Ben asked quietly.<\/p>\n \u201cIt use to be.\u201d Joe answered.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd now?\u201d Ben stared into his son\u2019s hopeless eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cNow it means nothing.\u201d Joe responded sadly.<\/p>\n \u201cTell me what you are feeling, Joe.\u201d Ben asked his son, hoping to release some of his pain.<\/p>\n \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t really want to know, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I would. You can tell me anything.\u201d Ben was sincere in his statement.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to live anymore. There. I said it. I told you that you wouldn\u2019t want to hear it.\u201d Joe sighed finally getting the words out of his gut.<\/p>\n Ben draped his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulder and replied, \u201cIf you can talk to me about it, then maybe we can change it. If you keep it to yourself, there\u2019s no way we can.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t think it can be changed. I can\u2019t stop what I am feeling. I just don\u2019t want to be here anymore. I know you all think I am strong and can get over anything. Maybe anything else\u2014but not this. Do you know what I see when I get up in the morning? What I see when I go to bed at night?\u201d Joe\u2019s eyes questioned his father, their glow was intense with pain.<\/p>\n \u201cCade.\u201d Ben answered quietly.<\/p>\n Joe nodded his head. \u201cYes, Cade. Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror? I see a broken man. Someone I don\u2019t even want to be around.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben was searching for the right words to say and was having trouble this time. Joe continued on.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought that once Cade was dead\u2014then maybe I could go on. Maybe I could find some kind of peace. But, that isn\u2019t happening. You know I was thinking about Adam yesterday. I saw the way he looked at me when I walked outside. He was thinking that I was going to do what Sarah did. I know I am a reminder of all that to him. But, I understand why she did it now. I don\u2019t blame her for wanting it to all go away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you saying that is what you want to do, Joseph?\u201d Ben choked out, the fear in his question and in what Joe\u2019s response would be, quickened his heart.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m saying I don\u2019t want to live. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019d do anything about it. I don\u2019t want to hurt you, Pa. But, this is how I feel.\u201d Joe looked down into his reflection in the lake and threw a stone to shatter the image and to make himself disappear.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have so many people in your life who love you. If you were gone it would take a part of us with you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe if I just go away\u2014\u201d Joe trailed off.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe if you just stay and try to fight.\u201d Ben countered and pulled Joe close to him. \u201cOne thing I have always counted on, since the day you were born, is that you are a fighter.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not that strong anymore, Pa.\u201d Joe confided his idea of his own weakness,<\/p>\n \u201cYou are stronger than you will ever realize, Joe. Please promise me you will try to fight a little longer?\u201d Ben pleaded with his son, never releasing his hold on him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll try.\u201d Joe agreed. He knew his father needed to hear it, even though he wasn\u2019t at all sure that he could keep his promise.<\/p>\n Adam walked<\/strong> out to the front porch late that same night and sat down on the step next to his youngest brother. He knew how Joe felt and still didn\u2019t know how to help him.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you drinking there?\u201d Adam asked and Joe looked over at him blankly.<\/p>\n \u201cBrandy.\u201d Joe replied and finished the contents of his glass.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? No rot gut?\u201d Adam questioned trying to sound shocked.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. No rot gut tonight.\u201d Joe set the glass on the step and looked into his brother\u2019s eyes. \u201cDid Pa send you out here?\u201d He asked suspiciously.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I just wanted to ask you what you thought of the horses we bought. Pa did say that you went out and looked at them.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey are fine.\u201d Joe returned with no emotion in his response.<\/p>\n \u201cYou gonna help us break them?\u201d Adam persisted.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I don\u2019t want to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you want, Joe?\u201d Adam asked softly trying to get Joe to open up.<\/p>\n \u201cI want peace. Now, unless you can tell me where to get that, I guess this conversation is over.\u201d Joe could not help feeling threatened by Adam\u2019s questions. He wanted to be left alone with his misery.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2014I\u2019ll tell you, Joe. You can start by coming with us to church tomorrow. As a matter of fact there is a social afterwards with the best food and the prettiest girls in town.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHave a good time.\u201d Joe said flatly and stood up. Adam stood also and grabbed Joe\u2019s arm to stop him.<\/p>\n \u201cWill you at least think about it?\u201d He pleaded. He thought that although his brother wanted to stay away from people, that was what he needed to bring him back to life.<\/p>\n \u201cGoodnight, Adam.\u201d Joe said solemnly and turned toward the door.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me ask him one more time.\u201d<\/strong> Ben said to Hoss and Adam who stood by the front door the next morning preparing to leave for church. They shook their heads discouraged as they watched their father walk up the stairs in search of Joe. Ben knocked on the bedroom door and then walked in. Joe was dressed and sitting in the chair by the window.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe\u2014you sure you won\u2019t come along?\u201d Ben asked concerned with leaving his son, especially after the talk they had the previous day.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. You all go ahead.\u201d Joe replied and noticed his father did not move. Looking over at Ben, Joe frowned. \u201cI\u2019m not going to do anything\u2014if that\u2019s what is keeping you here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cChurch would be good for you.\u201d Ben addressed the faith issue.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know how I feel. It\u2019s not going to change.\u201d Joe answered. \u201cGo on, don\u2019t keep Adam and Hoss waiting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll see you later.\u201d Ben said, giving up on his try at introducing Joe back to God.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere you go?\u201d<\/strong> Hop Sing insisted on an answer seeing Joe strapping on his holster and pulling on his jacket.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m just going out for a ride.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Ben say keep an eye on you. Hop Sing go too!\u2019<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing.\u201d Joe walked over to the cook and reached out to him gently. For some strange reason he did not feel awkward about touching his old friend and protector. Joe stared directly into his eyes and said softly. \u201cI know Pa has assigned you the job of babysitting me for the day, but you don\u2019t have to. And you don\u2019t have to worry either. I\u2019m just going for a ride. I\u2019ll be back before Pa gets home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHop Sing worry about Little Joe.\u201d He said troubled by all he had witnessed lately.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to do anything. Just ride for awhile.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou promise Hop Sing?\u201d He asked searching Joe\u2019s face for the truth.<\/p>\n \u201cI promise.\u201d Joe nodded and walked to the door.<\/p>\n Joe rode<\/strong> for more than an hour, heading no place in particular. He fought to just look at the scenery and forget the images that were creeping back into his tormented mind. When he had turned to head back, his eyes caught sight of an over-turned wagon on the road which led to Virginia City. He kicked at Cochise\u2019s sides and galloped over.<\/p>\n Laying on the road was Kay Patrick. She moaned and writhed with pain as Joe approached her. Joe looked in the wagon and found a blanket and brought it to her. He placed the rolled up blanket under her head and spoke softly trying to bring her around.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Ma\u2019am. You are going to be fine.\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n Kay looked up and recognized Joe Cartwright. Her face was controlled by the fear she was feeling.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe? Joe Cartwright?\u201d She asked, tears streaming from her eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Ma\u2019am. You\u2019re Mrs. Patrick, I met you at our ranch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s Kay.\u201d She corrected the boy. \u201cAnd, Joe, I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m about to have the baby. I was heading out to find Kevin when the wagon wheel broke. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m hurt, but I know the baby is coming now.\u201d She warned and Joe\u2019s face found a similar case of fear reflected in it.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll ride and get the doctor.\u201d Joe replied and stood up.<\/p>\n \u201cNo!\u201d She yelled as another pain ripped at her body. \u201cThere\u2019s no time for that. You have to deliver the baby, Joe. I need you.\u201d She was now sobbing, so afraid for her infant; her first baby.<\/p>\n Joe breathed<\/strong> in deeply. He had never delivered a baby. In fact, he had never even seen how it was done. Other than a colt he had never witnessed any other birth. Joe felt as though he would faint, but drew from some unknown inner strength and started to ready for the delivery. Removing his jacket, Joe kneeled on the ground and bit at his bottom lip, trying to show Kay that he would be okay with the birthing.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to tell me what to do.\u201d He said and squeezed her hand.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve helped bring in a few, Joe.\u201d She said and stopped as another contraction hit hard. She moaned at the duration of it and knew she was almost ready now. \u201cWhen you see the baby\u2019s head crowning\u2014you have to help it out\u2014make sure nothing is caught around the baby\u2019s neck.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay.\u201d Joe said hesitantly, and feeling somewhat embarrassed, pulled up the young lady\u2019s skirt.<\/p>\n \u201cOh no!\u2019 She screamed as another pain racked her body. \u201cIt\u2019s coming!\u201d She screamed.<\/p>\n Joe saw the top of the baby\u2019s head as it crowned and tried to find it\u2019s way out.<\/p>\n \u201cPush, Kay, push!\u201d Joe shouted and the woman strained with all of her might.<\/p>\n As the baby shot forward Joe could see the cord was around it\u2019s neck. He gently managed to pull it aside and shouted one more time.<\/p>\n \u201cOnce more\u2014it\u2019s almost out now\u2014push!\u201d Joe screamed and Kay struggled to push for the final time. The baby came out into Joe\u2019s waiting arms. He saw that it was turning blue and had not made a sound.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, God\u2014no!\u201d Joe shouted to himself. Kay had passed out and he was the only one to witness what was now happening. \u201cGod\u2014please not this child\u2014please not him!\u201d Joe wrapped his green jacket around the infant, the cord still attached to the baby. \u201cBreathe!\u201d Joe yelled and blew his own breath into the lifeless form in his arms. All of a sudden, like the blast from a cannon, the baby cried and took his first breath. His color started to change to a healthy pink and Joe clutched him to his chest. \u201cThank you, God.\u201d Joe cried as he stared down at the perfect baby boy in his arms.<\/p>\n The sound<\/strong> from a fast running horse drew Joe\u2019s attention momentarily and he breathed a deep sigh of relief as he spotted his father\u2019s mount. Ben galloped up to the wagon and hurriedly dismounted. Witnessing the first of two miracles, Ben smiled as he saw his youngest son holding the newborn infant in his protective arms. The next miracle would come several weeks later.<\/p>\n \u201cPa! Come here and help\u2014we need to cut the cord.\u201d Joe called, so glad he now had help. Ben pulled out his pocketknife and reached into his saddlebags for something to tie the cord with. He knelt down next to Joe and went about the task of freeing the baby and mother from the umbilical cord. When he was done, he turned to Joe, a proud smile entertaining his face.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, what have you got there, Joseph?\u201d He kidded and saw Joe had the most unusual look on his face. A look of pure awe.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a boy, Pa. You go ahead and take him; I\u2019ll go get the doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d Ben replied standing up. He checked on Kay and determined she would be okay and then faced Joe again. \u201cYou have everything under control, Son. I\u2019ll go get the doctor. You stay here with Kay and the baby.\u201d Ben turned and mounted his horse.<\/p>\n \u201cBut, Pa\u2014\u201d Joe started, still nervous to be holding the new life.<\/p>\n Ben knew that this was what he had been praying for in church that morning. Joe needed something, anything to give him hope and maybe even some long-forgotten faith. He grinned and waved and turned Buck back toward Virginia City.<\/p>\n Joe walked over to where Kay was sleeping. The woman had been exhausted by the birth and was totally out. Sitting down next to her, Joe crossed his legs and held the infant close to him. As the baby started to cry, Joe rocked him gently and spoke soothingly.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay, your ma is just sleeping right now. When she wakes up, she is going to be so glad to see you. You are one tough little guy, you know? You didn\u2019t give up; you were determined to come here today. Your folks are always going to remember this day. And they are going to tease you mercilessly that you chose to come out on this road instead of a nice comfortable bed.\u201d Joe noticed the baby had settled down, listening to his voice. He continued speaking and rocking the infant. \u201cYou are going to have a good life, there\u2019s so much that you have to see.\u201d Joe looked up at his surroundings and started to describe it all to the baby. \u201cThere\u2019s trees here that touch the sky. And mountains so tall that they reach right into heaven. And birds and deer and all kinds of animals. And someday you\u2019ll have your own horse and will help your pa build his ranch up.\u201d Joe closed his eyes, feeling tears sting them suddenly as he had brought forward some of his own memories in his speech to the baby. \u201cAnd sometimes there will be hard times, but they will just make you stronger. They will just make you realize how much all the good things mean to you. But I know you are a fighter — you didn\u2019t give up a minute ago — you kept fighting to live. I know you will be able to do anything. You are a strong kid. And you are going to have a good life.\u201d Joe bent down and kissed the baby\u2019s forehead. The baby fell asleep in his arms.<\/p>\n \u00a0A short time later<\/strong> Ben was back with a wagon and Doctor Martin. Kay was just starting to come back around as the doctor checked her out.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Young Lady, what are you doing having a baby here instead of at home where you belong?\u201d The doctor chastised her.<\/p>\n \u201cI got scared; I was trying to get to Kevin.\u201d She whispered and then Joe bent down next to her.<\/p>\n \u201cI think this boy belongs to you.\u201d Joe said and handed her the baby. She smiled gratefully and then looked up at Joe.<\/p>\n \u201cIs he okay, Joe?\u201d She asked worriedly.<\/p>\n \u201cYep\u2014got ten toes and ten fingers\u2014I already counted them. And the kid has a strong set of lungs too!\u201d Joe nodded as he saw Kay settle back.<\/p>\n \u201cYou did a fine job, Joe.\u201d Doctor Martin patted Joe on the shoulder. \u201cWell, let\u2019s get these two over to their ranch and find the nervous father so we can tell him the good news.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe walked<\/strong> back over to his horse and Kay called over to him.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe? How can I ever thank you for what you did?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo thanks needed, Kay.\u201d Joe answered, feeling a bit choked up by all the events.<\/p>\n \u201cYou coming with us?\u201d Ben asked, walking over to his son.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Pa. I figure you and the doctor can handle it from here. I think I need a drink.\u201d Joe tried not to give away his emotions to his father just yet.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Joe. You did a wonderful job\u2014I\u2019m very proud of you.\u201d Ben stated seriously and saw Joe nod as he turned his horse back to the ranch.<\/p>\n Ben and Doctor Martin lifted Kay and the baby into the wagon. Ben tied Buck to the back of the buckboard and took the driver\u2019s position, leaving Doctor Martin in the back with his two patients. Ben turned toward his three passengers and spoke.<\/p>\n \u201cYou all ready?\u201d He asked.<\/p>\n Kay tilted her head and smiled at him. \u201cYes, the doctor and I are ready\u2014and so is Joseph.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben asked confused.<\/p>\n \u201cJoseph Ryan Patrick.\u201d Kay laughed at Ben\u2019s stunned expression. \u201cIt\u2019s the least I can do for your son after all he did for me.\u201d<\/p>\n Doctor Martin watched as Ben took it all in. He knew what he was thinking, having known the man for so long. Paul knew that the baby might provide some kind of hope to the young man that they all had watched faltering lately.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, Ben\u2014are we going or aren\u2019t we?\u201d Paul called to break Ben\u2019s gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cYes\u2014let\u2019s go.\u201d Ben replied and sent the team of horses forward.<\/p>\n Chapter Seven: A Time To Weep And A Time To Laugh<\/em><\/p>\n A very weary Ben Cartwrigh<\/strong>t walked into the ranch house late that night. He hung up his hat and unstrapped his holster at the front door. He was surprised when he turned around toward the living room and spotted Joe sitting on the settee. It was almost midnight and he expected everyone in the house would be asleep in bed.<\/p>\n Ben walked over to his chair by the fireplace and sank down into it. He looked over towards his youngest son and saw he was deep in thought.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you would be in bed.\u201d Ben announced and broke Joe\u2019s concentration.<\/p>\n \u201cAdam and Hoss turned in a while ago. I kinda wanted to wait until you got home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry I am so late. We got Kay and the baby settled and then found Kevin. He was so thrilled with his new son. You should have seen him with the boy! Then I stayed and helped them with some chores and Doc and I made their dinner. They are all doing fine.\u201d Ben replied and noticed that Joe had an odd look on his face again. \u201cNow\u2014why did you wait up for me?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe stared directly at his father and tried to get his thoughts together. He felt as though he had a million things to say, but he was having trouble putting them into words so that his father would understand.<\/p>\n \u201cI just kinda wanted to talk to you.\u201d Joe began again.<\/p>\n Ben smiled and moved over to sit next to his son on the settee. \u201cWell, that\u2019s good, Joseph, because I\u2019d kinda like to listen.\u2019 He put his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulder knowing that the boy was about to reveal his feelings to him.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know really where to start, Pa.\u201d Joe stammered. \u201cWhat happened today\u2014it was so strange. You know after the things I said\u2014about this being a miserable world to bring up a baby in? Then, there I was trying to save the kid. I was so scared\u2014scared that he wouldn\u2019t make it. He had the cord wrapped around his neck\u2014came out blue and all. When he cried for the first time\u2014I just can\u2019t tell you how I felt.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben just nodded not wanting to interrupt Joe\u2019s confession.<\/p>\n \u201cHe fought so hard to live, Pa. He really did. Then, after you left for the doctor, I sat with him and talked to him. I told him about what his life would be like.\u201d Joe stopped talking, fighting with his own feelings and wondering if he could get them out so that they would make sense to his father.<\/p>\n \u201cGo on, Son.\u201d Ben encouraged Joe to continue.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought about all the things that he had to look forward to, you know? Like his first pony\u2014his first crush\u2014his first kiss. And it made me wonder if maybe this really isn\u2019t such an awful world for him to be in. Or me.\u201d Joe stared into his father\u2019s eyes and could see relief in them.<\/p>\n \u201cPa\u2014I know what I told you yesterday. Some of it still holds true. I still have the memories\u2014I may always have them I don\u2019t know. But I figure if that baby could fight so hard to stay here\u2014then maybe I should fight to stay here too.\u201d Joe stood and walked over to the fireplace and sighed. \u201cPa\u2014I don\u2019t really think I\u2019ll ever smile again. And I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever laugh again. But I am going to keep on living. I know that now.\u201d<\/p>\n Ben moved next to his son and hugged him. It was what the worried father had been praying to hear for so long. \u201cI think you will smile again, Joe. It will come in time. Do you remember the lines from a verse I use to read to you? There\u2019s a time for every purpose unto heaven? It says in it that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I remember.\u201d Joe nodded. \u201cI hope so, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you do have a lot of things to live for, Joseph. One of them is that new Godchild of yours.\u201d Ben smiled and saw Joe look up into his eyes bewildered.<\/p>\n \u201cGodchild?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Kay and Kevin were so happy that you were there to bring the baby in, that they asked me to ask you about being the baby\u2019s Godfather.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMe?\u201d Joe was touched by the news.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2014after all, he is your name’s sake, Joseph.\u201d Ben stated and waited for the response.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019ve named the baby Joseph Ryan Patrick.\u201d Ben announced and saw Joe\u2019s mouth drop surprised by the honor.<\/p>\n \u201cThey didn\u2019t have to do that.\u201d Joe sighed thinking of the child.<\/p>\n \u201cThey wanted to.\u201d Ben corrected and Joe nodded his understanding.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat a day. I can honestly say I will never forget this one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNeither will I.\u201d Ben responded with his own meaning in the words. It was a day that he saw some of the old Joe Cartwright start to return to him.<\/p>\n Two weeks later<\/strong> Hoss and Adam stood in the living room waiting for their father to come back into the house. When Ben walked in, they moved over to him.<\/p>\n \u201cHere\u2019s the suit, Pa.\u201d Adam stated handing his father the clothes bag. \u201cWe were hoping you\u2019d take it up to him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh you were, huh?\u201d<\/strong> Ben smiled knowingly. \u201cWell, since you and Hoss bought it for your brother, it seems like the two of you would do the honors.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2014Pa\u2014\u201d Hoss stammered nervously. \u201cYou have a better way with Joe than we do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat you mean, Hoss, is that you are worried this might in some way set Joseph off again and you would much rather he get mad with me than the both of you.\u201d<\/p>\n Adam grinned at his father, he should have known they couldn\u2019t pull one over on him after all the years that they had tried. \u201cOkay, Pa. You are right\u2014but how about it?\u201d Adam asked.<\/p>\n Ben frowned and took the bag. \u201cCowards.\u201d Ben muttered as he walked up the stairs.<\/p>\n Joe stood staring into his wardrobe as Ben entered the room. He did not turn around, so he didn\u2019t notice the bag that his father had brought with him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou getting ready?\u201d Ben asked walking up behind his son.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t figure out what to wear.\u201d Joe shrugged his shoulders still looking in the closet.<\/p>\n \u201cHow about this?\u201d Ben asked and Joe turned to see him standing there with the clothes bag in his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d Joe asked confused.<\/p>\n \u201cYour brothers bought you a new suit.\u201d Ben handed it to his son and Joe took it over to his bed and opened it up. Joe inspected the suit and looked over at his father.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy didn\u2019t they give it to me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause they were worried that you might get angry. So, naturally they let me face your wrath myself.\u201d Ben teased his son.<\/p>\n Joe thought for a moment and realized what his brothers had been so worried about. He remembered the night he had worn his new suit. They had obviously thought that even the idea of a new suit would upset him. Joe also figured that was the reason that they had replaced the torn black suit with a blue one. They were trying their hardest to help him in some way. Joe felt a bit emotional as he looked back up at his father.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a nice suit,” was all he could say at that moment.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it\u2019s not every day that you get to see your Godson christened.\u201d Ben smiled and patted Joe\u2019s shoulder. \u201cYou go ahead and get ready.\u201d He said and walked out of the room.<\/p>\n Joe stood<\/strong> in front of the mirror to his dresser. The mirror had been replaced since the night he had hurled the cologne and shattered it. Joe stared at his reflection. He remembered how he felt the night he was to go to the Fireman\u2019s Dance. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Now his image seemed to be different. Joe knew he looked older and a bit sadder. He shrugged into his suit coat and attempted to tie the string tie. His hands shook nervously. Joe wasn\u2019t sure if it was the idea of the baby\u2019s christening or that he was dressed up for the first time in so long that made him feel so rattled. Giving up on the tie, he let it hang around his neck loosely and headed out of his bedroom.<\/p>\n Three pairs of eyes<\/strong> watched Joe descend the staircase. Each family member reflecting back on all that the young man had been through. They were amazed at how handsome he now looked as he made his way over to his family. None of them wanted to say anything that would upset Joe. There was no teasing him relentlessly about his good looks as there had been in the past. That would have to wait.<\/p>\n \u201cSee Adam\u2014I told you blue was his color.\u201d Hoss smiled as he looked at his little brother.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s teal, Hoss. How many times do I have to tell you it\u2019s not blue?\u201d Adam corrected and Hoss laughed, as did Ben.<\/p>\n \u201cWell\u2014\u201d Joe started a bit sheepishly. \u201cThanks for the suit. It is nice.\u201d Joe paused and then frowned. \u201cBut this blasted tie! I can\u2019t get it right.\u201d Joe remarked frustrated.<\/p>\n Adam walked over to Joe and said, \u201cHere let me have a try.\u201d He saw Joe hesitate at first and then nod his acceptance of the help. Adam took his time until he had the bow perfect.<\/p>\n \u201cThere!\u201d He announced proudly. \u201cOne perfectly tied tie!\u201d Adam smiled and could see Joe\u2019s eyes thanking him.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, if you all are ready now\u2014let\u2019s go.\u201d Ben called from the front door. He watched as each of his sons filed outside to the carriage. His heart was very full seeing them all together again.<\/p>\n Church was crowded that particular Sunday,<\/strong> but the front pew was reserved for the Cartwrights and the Patrick family. They all took their seats with Joe sitting next to Kay and the baby. Reverend Hastings began the service with several hymns and then got to the sermon.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure it will make many of you, especially those of you asleep in the back pew, happy to hear that I will not be giving a long sermon today.\u201d He announced smiling and there was a brief amount of laughter in the church. \u201cWe have a new member to introduce to the congregation today and a christening to accomplish. So, I will get right to my sermon now. A few weeks ago, one of my flock came to me and said they had lost faith in God.\u201d The Reverend paused and stared briefly over at Joe Cartwright. He caught the Reverend\u2019s stare and shifted nervously in the pew, breaking eye contact with the man. \u201cIt was pointed out to me that this person had a doubt as to the very existence of God. This is nothing new for a preacher to hear, I might add. It happens all of the time. When a tragedy occurs it\u2019s easy to assume that either there is no God, or that God has turned away from you. I tried to think of something inspiring to say to this person but found words that were meaningful hard to come by. I wanted to tell this person that maybe God had not turned away from him, but that he had turned away from God. All I could manage to come up with at the time was that God would find him and bring him back.\u201d The Reverend paused again and smiled over at Joe. \u201cI can tell you now that I happened to be right.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe nodded toward the pastor, trying not to give away the fact that it was he that the man was referring to.<\/p>\n \u201cToday\u2019s reading will be from the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter three verses one through eight. To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose unto heaven. A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which was planted; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; a time to rend and a time to sew; a time to keep silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace.\u201d<\/p>\n Joe shot a glance over at his father at the Reverend\u2019s selection of the day. Ben simply grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Joe wondered if it had been a coincidence that it was the very same verse Ben had mentioned to him when they had their talk days earlier.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd now I would like to introduce this congregation to our newest member. Kevin and Kay Patrick\u2019s little boy, Joseph Ryan Patrick. Won\u2019t you three come up here \u2014oh and bring the Godfather with you.\u201d The Reverend\u2019s face was filled with joy as the three people and the baby made their way over to the pulpit. Joe stood behind Kay and Kevin, nervously standing in front of the whole church. The Reverend winked at Kay, and she did as they had earlier planned. She turned and placed the baby in Joe\u2019s arms. He was surprised, not knowing he would hold the child during the christening.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014I introduced the new parents but forgot to mention the new Godfather\u2014you all know Joe Cartwright?\u201d The Reverend laughed as did the congregation. Everyone knew Joe.<\/p>\n Joe looked down at the baby who was wide-eyed but not protesting being in his arms. Right before the Reverend started the christening, the sun, which had been clouded over all morning, burst through and cast its rays through the stained-glass window. Covered in a multitude of bright colors, Joe could feel the presence of God.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd now, Joseph Ryan Patrick, I christen thee in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost.\u201d The Reverend said as he sprinkled the water on the baby\u2019s forehead. The baby did not cry out. Instead, the child looked up at his Godfather and felt safe in the arms of the first person who had held him in life.<\/p>\n \u201cGood job, Joseph.\u201d Joe dropped his head down a little and said to the baby for not having cried. The baby grabbed the loose end of Joe\u2019s string tie and pulled it so hard that the bow came totally undone.<\/p>\n It was at that moment that Ben Cartwright witnessed his second miracle. Staring over at his youngest son he saw how the baby\u2019s action of untying the tie, which had been so difficult to get just right, cracked Joe up. First, Ben saw Joe\u2019s first smile, and a brief second later the church was filled with the contagious laughter of Joseph Cartwright.<\/p>\n Catching his father\u2019s eyes, Joe nodded over to him, amazed himself to have been able to laugh again. The Reverend said a closing prayer and Joe handed the baby back to Kay. As they all filed out of the church, Joe felt his arm being tugged on and he looked around to see Doctor Paul Martin.<\/p>\n \u201cJoe, didn\u2019t I tell you that you always take special interest in the ones that you bring into the world?\u201d He asked smiling broadly to see the change in the young man.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, Doc. You were right.\u201d Joe confessed and walked outside to the steps of the church. He was soon surrounded by the rest of the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, as happy as I am for you,” The doctor paused and tried to feign an irritated look. \u201cWhat\u2019s this about you cutting in on my business? You going to start delivering babies now?\u201d<\/p>\n Joe looked over at his father amused by the doctor\u2019s statement and said, \u201cNo, Doc, you don\u2019t have to worry about any competition from me. I am perfectly content being the best wrangler on the Ponderosa.\u201d Joe noticed a contented smile taking over his father\u2019s face when he made that statement. Then Joe felt a clap on his back from both of his brothers.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, that\u2019s good, Little Brother, ’cause we just happen to have two dozen broncs just waiting for your expertise.\u201d Adam asserted, trying to be stern, but his face giving his mood away.<\/p>\n \u201cOh\u2014sorry you two.\u201d Joe turned and grinned back at them. \u201cI\u2019ve got this nice new suit on\u2014guess it\u2019ll have to wait. And besides\u2014I gotta go catch up with my Godson now.\u201d Joe walked briskly down the stairs and sauntered over to where the Patrick family was talking to some friends.<\/p>\n From the church steps, Adam, Hoss and Ben Cartwright watched as Joe stole the baby out of Kay\u2019s arms and swept him into his own arms laughing. All three Cartwrights had the same exact thought at that same moment. Joe Cartwright was back.<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n Written by Wrangler<\/p>\n April 27, 2001<\/p>\n Next Story in the Every Purpose Under Heaven Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nAnother Season<\/a>
\nDru<\/a>
\nAll Our Yesterdays<\/a><\/p>\n