{"id":4512,"date":"2007-04-09T19:12:38","date_gmt":"2007-04-09T23:12:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4512"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:11:32","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:11:32","slug":"julia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4512","title":{"rendered":"Julia (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0<\/span>A ‘What Happened Instead’ for the Julia Bulette Story, seen from Julia’s point of view.\u00a0 Mild sexual content.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0MA \u00a0WC \u00a026,000<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Julia<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Jean Millain\u2019s hand <\/strong>cracking across her face didn\u2019t surprise her. The young man who jumped Millain in the next moment did. Julia Bulette watched, bemused, as a boy half Millain\u2019s size tried to take him on. She held out her hand, and Tom, her long-time bartender, handed her the mallet with which she knocked Millain senseless.<\/p>\n

The boy stood up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Sorry to mess up your place, ma\u2019am,” he said, reaching for his hat.<\/p>\n

He was more than usually attractive, and he clearly knew it, with flashing green eyes and a smile that had undoubtedly charmed half the girls in town. When he turned those eyes and that smile on her, she felt a flash of envy for those young girls.<\/p>\n

He was probably half her age, if that, but there was something about him that kept her from dismissing him. He reminded her of someone, but she wasn\u2019t certain whom.<\/p>\n

And then, he introduced himself, and she knew.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright\u2019s son.<\/p>\n

And she kept the smile nailed to her face.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The next night, Julia walked into her Palace, careful not to reveal her sense of triumph. Little Joe Cartwright was her dinner date, and his father knew it. If all went well, she would bed the boy and send him home to the father who had not been willing to take what she would have given.<\/p>\n

She never quite understood Ben Cartwright. Any other man in his situation would have been delighted to have had her. His wife was dead, so there was no question of infidelity. And yet, somehow, Ben still seemed to see the issue as one of morality. Intimacy was for married couples, according to his lexicon. Foolishness, to be sure, and fortunately, he seemed to be a minority of one on this issue. If he\u2019d represented the common belief, she\u2019d have been out of business long ago.<\/p>\n

They\u2019d first met in St. Louis, several years after his third wife had died. She couldn\u2019t recall now who introduced them, but they\u2019d had a very enjoyable dinner together. Afterward, he escorted her back to her rooms, saw her inside, and turned to go.<\/p>\n

“Wouldn\u2019t you like to stay for a drink?” Julia asked.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019d better not,” he said. “I have an early meeting tomorrow.”<\/p>\n

“And if you didn\u2019t?” There would be another reason, she was certain.<\/p>\n

“If I didn\u2019t, I\u2019d stay for a drink, but only that,” he said gently. He knew what she was and what she was offering, and he made it clear that he wasn\u2019t judging her, but she felt judged anyway. “But I\u2019ve had a most delightful evening, and I do hope that we can remain friends.”<\/p>\n

She smiled, careful not to let the bitterness show. “Friends as in \u2018we can have dinner when you\u2019re in town,\u2019 or as in \u2018I\u2019ll try not to say too many awful things about you behind your back\u2019?”<\/p>\n

He smiled. “I hope the former, but if not\u2014I promise not to say awful things about you, and I hope you won\u2019t find too many awful things to say about me.”<\/p>\n

And somehow, they\u2019d ended up in between\u2014they didn\u2019t have dinner, but neither did they say awful things about each other. A mutual respect, admittedly somewhat grudging on her part, developed in place of a true warmth. When she first saw him in Virginia City, she realized that she\u2019d known he was here. She hoped he didn\u2019t think she\u2019d come here for him, because it was entirely untrue, but men sometimes thought they\u2019d been more significant in a woman\u2019s life than was actually the case.<\/p>\n

So, she\u2019d made a point of reassuring him that she hadn\u2019t come here to chase after the only man who\u2019d ever rejected her. And as the town grew, and she never initiated any contact with him, she saw him relax until he seemed to believe her.<\/p>\n

Seeing him was not as easy as she pretended, though. No woman wanted to be constantly reminded of her lone failure, after all. And so, when the fates delivered his son into her Palace, she took it as a sign. Here, at last, was her opportunity to succeed, where once she had failed.<\/p>\n

*<\/em>\u00a0* * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Their second attempt at dinner went better than the first. That first night, with Millain spoiling for a fight and Little Joe primed to deliver it, she\u2019d stepped aside to let them do as they were going to do. She tried to tell herself that it was better for Little Joe to get beaten up physically by Millain than to suffer far worse pain from her. But somehow, when he came in the next day to apologize and he offered to make it up to her, she found that she didn\u2019t want to turn down his invitation. Instead, she bathed and curled her hair and put on a dress that was modest enough, but only just, with buttons running down the front that would be easy enough for him to unfasten if she decided that the evening would end in that fashion.<\/p>\n

When he arrived at her door that Friday night, she was oddly touched to see that he\u2019d brought her flowers. Where he\u2019d found them in this godforsaken town in the middle of dry, dusty summer was anybody\u2019s guess, but he\u2019d done it, and she didn\u2019t have to lie when she told him that they were lovely. She put them in water, and then she took the arm that he offered as he escorted her down the street, in front of God and Virginia City, to the International House for dinner.<\/p>\n

Julia was slightly surprised when Little Joe didn\u2019t try to rush her through dinner. He smiled appreciably when she favored him with a glance from beneath her lashes or emphasized a point by tapping his hand, but he didn\u2019t seem to be in any hurry to move on the post-dinner activities. He appeared to be quite content to let each part of the evening unfold at its own pace.<\/p>\n

“Tell me about New Orleans,” he said as he refilled their champagne glasses. “I only know what my father\u2019s told me, and it\u2019s been a long time since he was there.”<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s been at least as long for me, I suspect,” she said. The boy didn\u2019t appear at all put out by her subtle reminder of the difference in their ages. “How old are you, Little Joe?”<\/p>\n

“Why do you ask?” He sipped his champagne, watching her carefully.<\/p>\n

“I just wondered,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Does it matter?” His gaze was direct, probing.<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t know,” she said with rare candor. “Why don\u2019t you tell me, and we\u2019ll find out?”<\/p>\n

“How old do you think I am?” His riposte was as swift as any made with an ep\u00e9e.<\/p>\n

“Oh, no,” she laughed. “I wouldn\u2019t dream of guessing.”<\/p>\n

“Why not?” His grin was so delicious that it was all she could do not to lean over and kiss him.<\/p>\n

“Because if I were to guess too young, you\u2019d be mightily offended, and if I guess too old, your head will swell so much that you\u2019ll never get your hat on,” she said lightly.<\/p>\n

“What if you guess just right?” His voice became lower, more intimate.<\/p>\n

“Then I win,” she said, matching his tone. He picked up her hand and brought it to his lips, and his touch sent a shiver through her.<\/p>\n

“Guess,” he said. His eyes glowed softly, and for an instant, she resented all the girls he would someday fall in love with.<\/p>\n

She cocked her head, allowing him to see her pleasure as she studied him. Firm, lean body, just muscular enough not to be wiry. Strong hands, not yet so calloused that they would be rough against her skin. Thick brown curls, barely tamed by whatever hair oil he\u2019d used. Aristocratic, almost delicate bone structure, which was clearly a gift from his mother\u2014Ben\u2019s face was square and peasant-like in its strength. She brushed her fingers along his cheek, feeling the smooth softness of skin that had not yet been tanned to leather by too many years under the harsh western sun. Impish green eyes, fringed by thick black lashes that most women would have killed to have as their own. She ran a finger over his lips, and he pressed it to his mouth and kissed it.<\/p>\n

“Nineteen,” she said finally, sitting back.<\/p>\n

“Close,” he said.<\/p>\n

“High or low?”<\/p>\n

“High,” he said. “But only by a couple months.” A hint of trepidation darkened his features. “Is that all right?”<\/p>\n

She reached out to touch his face again. “Yes,” she said. “It\u2019s all right.”<\/p>\n

She held his arm lightly as they walked along the dusty board sidewalk, back to the Palace. A warm breeze drifted through the street. The shouts and laughter and tinny piano music from half a dozen saloons floated out the batwing doors. She felt him stiffen when they passed the Bentons, and Mrs.\u00a0Benton flicked a disapproving glance at her, but Julia tightened her grip on Joe\u2019s arm, and so he merely touched the brim of his hat to them.<\/p>\n

Inside the Palace, business was booming. If her regulars were surprised to see Julia on the arm of Ben Cartwright\u2019s youngest, they made no mention. She smiled approvingly, although she knew that their lack of comment had less to do with discretion than with not caring very much. As long as the boy didn\u2019t interfere with the way in which the Palace was run, her regulars wouldn\u2019t have cared if he\u2019d set up housekeeping right in the middle of the poker table.<\/p>\n

“How\u2019s business tonight, Tom?” she asked, pausing at the bar.<\/p>\n

“Doin\u2019 real good, Miss Bulette,” Tom said. He\u2019d worked for her in her last three establishments, but he would never call her Julia. He knew his place, not that she\u2019d ever made him feel like that. Studiously, he avoided looking at the Cartwright kid. She was entitled to do whatever she wanted. He just hoped that the kid wasn\u2019t getting in over his head. There were a lot of people in this town who wouldn\u2019t like to see the two of them together. Already, Tom had heard talk.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m going upstairs, Tom,” she said, as if she were going alone, even though she was still holding the kid\u2019s arm. “Good night.”<\/p>\n

“Good night, Miss Bulette.” Tom understood. He took a rag and began to wipe down the already-clean bar, rather than have them think he was watching them head up the stairs together. At least one person should give them their privacy.<\/p>\n

Julia unlocked the door to her rooms and led the way inside. Joe stood in the doorway until she\u2019d lit the lamps. “Come in,” she invited. “Would you like a drink?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, ma\u2019am.” Suddenly, he\u2019d changed from a charming dinner companion into a shy, awkward boy. She looked at him curiously. “Won\u2019t you sit down?”<\/p>\n

“Yes, ma\u2019am, thank you,” he said. He perched on the nearest chair, and she smiled.<\/p>\n

“Why don\u2019t you take off your jacket and come sit by me,” she invited as she settled onto the loveseat. He sprang to his feet, dropped his suitcoat on the chair, and approached hesitantly. She smiled encouragingly, and he sat on the edge of the cushion. She handed him a brandy. “What shall we drink to?”<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t know,” he said. He looked so nervous that she wanted to giggle.<\/p>\n

Instead, she rested a hand on his arm. “To\u2014new friends and warm summer nights,” she said, clinking her glass softly against his. He gulped down his brandy, and she took his glass, setting it on the table beside her. She set down her own glass and leaned toward him.<\/p>\n

Nervous or not, the boy knew how to kiss a woman. Julia had known some astonishingly bad kissers in her time, as well as some very good ones. This boy, young though he was, was one of the better ones. She tasted the brandy as his lips met hers, tender and passionate. She felt his nervousness ease as the kiss intensified, and his hands cradled her head as if to be certain she wouldn\u2019t pull away.<\/p>\n

After several minutes, she tried to part his lips with her tongue. He seemed almost startled, but then he allowed her to enter and explore. She ran her hands down his back, crisp cotton protecting his skin from her fingernails. His hands slid to her waist, but they made no attempt to rise higher. Perplexed, she waited, but when no move was forthcoming, she gently placed her hand over his and slid it up her body until it cupped her breast. She laid her hand on his thigh, slowly moving it toward his crotch, and she felt him jump.<\/p>\n

A suspicion started to grow in her mind. She hadn\u2019t thought so, but just maybe\u2014<\/p>\n

“Joe?” she whispered against his lips.<\/p>\n

He grunted, unwilling to stop kissing her. He started to fumble with the buttons on her dress, but he couldn\u2019t manage them strictly by touch. With evident frustration, he broke away from the kiss and directed his attention toward the buttons, but they were still somehow troublesome. And then, in a rare moment of speaking without thinking, Julia asked the question.<\/p>\n

“This is your first time, isn\u2019t it?”<\/p>\n

The boy jerked back as if she\u2019d slapped him. Fierce shame flooded his handsome face, supplanted an instant later by fiercer pride.<\/p>\n

It made sense, of course. Ben would have done his best to instill his strict moral code in his son. Such a handsome young man had undoubtedly done his share of charming the local girls, but it was suddenly clear to Julia that these involvements had likely been of the chaste variety shared by young gentlemen and the proper young ladies they\u2019d been taught to respect\u2014a hand held, a cheek touched, a closed-mouth kiss only when the couple was either engaged or very close to it. Passion, with all of its troublesome glories, was not for the likes of such upstanding young people until after they\u2019d stood before a preacher.<\/p>\n

Yet, somehow, instead of waiting for his wedding night as he\u2019d been taught, Little Joe Cartwright had ended up here, ready to lose his virginity to one of the most notorious women he would ever meet.<\/p>\n

She could see the question in his eyes\u2014what gave away his secret? What had he done wrong?\u00a0Nothing,<\/em>\u00a0she wanted to tell him. But all at once, she, who had never thought twice about taking a man\u2019s money in exchange for a bit of her experience, was unwilling to take this boy\u2019s innocence.<\/p>\n

He rose abruptly. “I\u2019m sorry to have disappointed you,” he said, taking his suitcoat from the chair. “I\u2019ll let myself out. Good night, Miss Bulette.”<\/p>\n

Let him go,<\/em>\u00a0she told herself, even as her feet carried her across the room. His hand was on the knob when she closed hers over it. “Don\u2019t go,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Good night, Miss Bulette.” Formal, respectful, almost cold, but his voice held a note of vulnerability that kept her from letting go.<\/p>\n

“Please don\u2019t go. Not like this.” She couldn\u2019t have said why it was so important to her, but it was. She didn\u2019t want the boy to think she\u2019d been laughing at him.<\/p>\n

“Then how? Tell me how to go, and I\u2019ll do it.” His voice was harsh with self-mocking. His eyes were fixed on her hand. She peered up at him, and just before he turned away, she saw the tears of mortification glistening in his eyes.\u00a0Let him go,<\/em>\u00a0her mind insisted.<\/p>\n

“Joe, please,” she said. “Stay. Let me explain.” He kept his face turned away, and she reached up, her fingers stroking the edge of his ear and down onto his neck. “Please, Joe,” she repeated. When he nodded, she turned away and busied herself with the clinking of glasses as she took an inexorable amount of time to pour them each another brandy. By the time she turned, glasses in hand, he had composed himself so that he looked merely guarded.<\/p>\n

He followed her back to the loveseat, hesitating a moment before sitting beside her. She handed him a glass. He held it, not drinking, not meeting her eyes.<\/p>\n

“You misunderstood me,” Julia said. “I wasn\u2019t criticizing you, truly I wasn\u2019t. That wasn\u2019t why I asked.”<\/p>\n

“Then why did you\u2014”<\/p>\n

She laid a gentle hand on the cheek that flamed with embarrassment. “Listen to me, Joe,” she said. She wasn\u2019t a praying woman, but suddenly she found herself wanting someone\u2014God, the fates, whoever\u2014to make this boy pay attention. “There\u2019s only one first time,” she said. “It should be special.” She knew, of course, that this was idealistic at best. Most young men in western towns had their first experiences in saloons or brothels. Few had the discipline or the inclination to wait for true love. Too much time in the saddle, she\u2019d always suspected. It made a man too aware of certain parts of himself.<\/p>\n

But somehow, she wanted more for this boy. “Your first lover\u2014she should be someone you\u2014care about,” she finished lamely. She wanted to say “someone you love,” but she\u2019d lived in this world far too long to be able to say that convincingly.<\/p>\n

“I care about you,” he said quietly.<\/p>\n

“You don\u2019t know anything about me,” she said gently.<\/p>\n

“I know everything I need to know,” he said. At the challenge of her raised eyebrow, he said, “I know that you\u2019re beautiful, you\u2019re charming, you\u2019re intelligent. You\u2019ve made a go of this place in spite of everything people say about a woman being able to run a saloon, and you\u2019ve got more spunk than any three men I know. You\u2019ve got a laugh that sounds like music and skin that feels like silk. And on top of everything else\u2014” he took her hand “\u2014you\u2019re a lady.”<\/p>\n

Julia Bulette was a realist above all else. Romance was a luxury that her people couldn\u2019t afford. She\u2019d never begrudged the nice girls their frilly, lacy notions about knights in shining armor, or well-dressed gentlemen who would bring them roses and champagne, or shy young men who would promise to love, honor and cherish them till death did them part. There were those who had romance, and those who did not. Julia was one who did not, and she\u2019d never done more than shrug at the hand she\u2019d been dealt.<\/p>\n

Until she looked into Little Joe Cartwright\u2019s intense green eyes, and she saw more than admiration for her beauty. More than desire. More than passion seeking a release.<\/p>\n

She saw a flicker of something open and trusting and utterly without artifice, something possessed of foolish courage that would crack his heart wide open on the wrong woman and then spend everything in him to convince her that she was the right one, never giving up until even she believed it.<\/p>\n

“I care about you,” he repeated.<\/p>\n

The intensity of his gaze stole her breath for an instant. It was as if this breathtakingly na\u00efve young man, who hadn\u2019t an ounce of guile in him, somehow knew everything she was. It wasn\u2019t that he didn\u2019t see the checkered past. He could see the saloon owner, and the madam, and the woman that decent people crossed the street to avoid. Even so, he chose to look beyond, to something well-hidden, but just as real. He recognized it all, and yet he looked past the bad to see the good.<\/p>\n

Julia had almost forgotten that there was good to be seen.<\/p>\n

A better, stronger woman might have kissed such a young man good-bye, closing the door regretfully after him. But Julia Bulette was neither better nor stronger. For the first time in her life, she wanted to be different from who she was. She wanted to be special.<\/p>\n

She wanted to be the woman Joe Cartwright saw.<\/p>\n

And so, she took the glass out of his hand, and she set it on the table beside her, next to her own. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked softly.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m sure,” he said, his eyes searching hers. She leaned forward, and they kissed again. When she reached for him, he caught her hand. Holding it with infinite gentleness, he drew back slightly. She looked at him with a tiny question in her eyes. He looked so serious.<\/p>\n

“What is it?” she asked.<\/p>\n

He lifted her hand to his lips, kissing it. “I know what I want,” he said. “But I need to know something first.”<\/p>\n

“What?” A frisson of dread ran through her.<\/p>\n

“Julia\u2014is this what you want?”<\/p>\n

No one had ever asked her that. Ever. For an insane moment, she felt as if she\u2019d been plummeting to earth, only to be caught by him in the instant before she crashed.\u00a0Tell him “no,”<\/em>\u00a0her mind screamed.\u00a0Send him away now, before it\u2019s too late.<\/em><\/p>\n

But it was already too late.<\/p>\n

And she whispered, “Yes.”<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Julia couldn\u2019t tell if Joe had dozed off or not. His head rested against her shoulder, and he didn\u2019t move as her fingers played lazily with his thick curls. She thought of asking if he were awake, but as she considered the past hour, she figured that he\u2019d earned a nap.<\/p>\n

Joe might have been inexperienced, but his instincts were remarkably sound. He wasn\u2019t the first virgin she\u2019d been with, but he was certainly one of the more interesting ones. Granted, she\u2019d had to provide some gentle guidance, including the occasional reminder to slow down, but on the whole, she had to admit that the experience was quite enjoyable.<\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t know what his father or brothers might have told him about pleasing a woman, but she knew that he\u2019d grown up on a ranch, so she\u2019d expected that he would have a basic sense of what went where, so to speak. In her experience, though, a lot of farm boys seemed to think that this was all there was to lovemaking, resulting in a fairly tedious three minutes. More than once, she\u2019d found her mind wandering during such an event, although she was usually quite disciplined in remaining focused.<\/p>\n

Little Joe Cartwright was quite another matter, though. To begin with, his nickname might have been appropriate in other settings, but not in the bedroom. She\u2019d allowed him to see her admiration after she slid his drawers down. She\u2019d been prepared to appear impressed regardless\u2014her way of making up for her earlier gaffe\u2014but pretending turned out to be quite unnecessary. It occurred to her to wonder ever so briefly if he took after his father in this regard, but she pushed the idea firmly from her mind. Ben Cartwright would never have looked at her the way his son did. Ben had seen her as one who would entice him into sin; his son viewed her as someone to cherish. As the realization struck, she allowed herself to own the fact that she had not, after all, lost anything in not having had Ben\u2014because now, in his son, she had so much more.<\/p>\n

At first, Joe had appeared to consider himself responsible for all the undressing, and he seemed to be under the misconception that it should happen as quickly as possible. He\u2019d unbuttoned her dress, nearly shoving it off her. When he\u2019d reached to unfasten his belt, she\u2019d stayed his hand with her own. “Please, allow me,” she said. He stopped, and she drew him into a deep kiss, pressing herself against him. When she felt him respond, she smiled and reached down to unfasten his belt. She dropped it on the floor, kissed him again, and then pulled his shirt from his pants.<\/p>\n

When she kissed him this time, she allowed her hands to roam beneath the crisp cotton, feeling the smooth hardness of his chest and back. As if on cue, he began to allow his hands to explore her body as they kissed. He reached up under her chemise, but kept his hands to her back at first. After a bit, he moved them around to her waist, but he seemed to be uncertain as to whether she would allow him to take the next step. Ever so gently, she placed his hand over hers and guided it upward to cup her breast, and she heard him gasp. His fingers explored, and when she made a sound of pleasure at his handling of her nipple, he understood that she wanted more, and he obliged. Without being told, he drew her chemise over her head and began to kiss his way down her throat to her chest, and then to her breasts. She arched her neck as his lips and tongue found their way to her nipple, and he teased the erect rosebud with his tongue as she groaned with pleasure.<\/p>\n

As he kissed her body, she reached for his. She couldn\u2019t reach his shirt collar well, so she reached over and unfastened his pants. He straightened, and she smiled as she slid them down over his tight bottom. Then, she lightly brought her hands around to the front and brushed his manhood, which was already straining at his drawers. Her fingers teased him until he was moaning. Slowly, keeping one hand below, she unbuttoned his shirt with the other and slid it off his shoulders.<\/p>\n

Then, they stood together, she in her pantelets and he in his drawers. He drew her into his arms, pressing her breasts against his bare chest as they kissed. She slid her hands into the back of his drawers, luxuriating in the feel of his skin. Then, she drew back slightly, enough for him to open his eyes, and she smiled. Ever so slowly, not breaking eye contact, she began to inch his drawers down his body. Smiling broadly, he untied the tie of her pantalets, allowing them to fall to the floor.<\/p>\n

“I win,” he murmured, grinning. His hands, more confident now, stroked her body. She stood still, enjoying. The more she let him see her enjoyment, the more he seemed to want to do for her.<\/p>\n

At last, she said, “Wait.” She pushed his drawers the rest of the way down, and he kicked them off. For a moment, they stood beside the bed, not touching. She thought of teasing that it was his last chance to change his mind, but suddenly, she had no words. Instead, she drew him down on the bed, kissing him again. She reached for his hand and guided it between her legs. His eyes widened, and his fingers began to explore. She let him know when he pleased her, and he pleased her more.<\/p>\n

Finally, she reached for him. She kissed him tenderly as she guided him into her. His mouth opened in awe. Subtly, she moved, and he began to move with her. “That\u2019s it, take it slow,” she whispered, and he did. “A little more,” she murmured a few minutes later, and he began to pick up the pace and the intensity. From there, he needed no more instruction, building until their pleasure exploded.<\/p>\n

Afterward, they lay quietly, his arm across her body as his head rested against her shoulder and her fingers played with his hair. “You\u2019re awfully quiet,” she said finally. “Are you all right?”<\/p>\n

He nodded without lifting his head. “Can I ask you something?”<\/p>\n

“What?” When he said nothing, she asked again, “What, Joe?”<\/p>\n

“Was that\u2014was that all right? For you, I mean?”<\/p>\n

She couldn\u2019t help it\u2014she laughed with relief. His head came up sharply, and she hastened to reassure him. “Oh, my darling,” she said. “It was most definitely all right. Very, very all right.” He looked skeptical, as if she might be playing with him, and she leaned over and kissed him, long and deep. “Very, very all right,” she repeated.<\/p>\n

“You\u2019re sure?” Suddenly, he looked very young.<\/p>\n

She ran her fingers over his lovely high cheekbones. She looked him squarely in the eye and nodded. “I\u2019m quite sure,” she said. “Believe me. I\u2019m not just saying it.”<\/p>\n

He smiled shyly. “I\u2019m glad,” he said. “It was\u2014very all right for me, too.”<\/p>\n

She smiled. “I\u2019m glad,” she responded. He shifted his position so that now, it was he who held her close. “I\u2019m very glad,” she murmured, nestling into his embrace.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Julia was already out of bed when Joe awoke on Sunday morning. She always gave Mathilda Sundays off; this time, prompted by she knew not what, she\u2019d given Mathilda Saturday off as well, and it was a good thing. Not that Mathilda probably thought that Julia spent every night alone, but since she didn\u2019t live in, it was none of her business anyway. To have her there during the day, though, while Julia and Joe spent the entire day making love\u2014that would have been awkward, to say the least.<\/p>\n

Not since her first patron had Julia had a lover whose tastes ran outside the limited range from plebian to bourgeois. Jean-Paul had taught her well, but she\u2019d had precious little opportunity, especially in recent years, to indulge in interesting variations on the well-established theme. Eventually, she\u2019d simply stopped thinking about it. Sex had always been largely a business venture anyway; most men had little interest in anything beyond the prompt gratification of their own needs, and that was what paid the bills. Her private fantasies were precisely that.<\/p>\n

And so, the youngest son of the upright Ben Cartwright had proven to be a marvelous surprise. Inexperienced he might be, but Joe\u2019s delightful lack of inhibition and sense of play in bed more than made up for any deficiencies due to innocence. In fact, he was game for anything she initiated, as well as having some unexpected ideas of his own. By afternoon, they had moved from the bedroom to the loveseat, the armchair, and the parlor rug, and then to the floor of her small kitchen, where they\u2019d drizzled brandy over each other and licked it off. He\u2019d even suggested that, after the Palace was closed, they should creep downstairs and make love right there on the bar, a notion so outrageous that she was truly tempted.<\/p>\n

“Good morning, darling,” said Julia as she entered the bedroom, bearing a tray. At the sight of the boy in her bed, hair tousled and eyes bleary with sleep, her heart made a queer little leap. Immediately, she recovered herself, all business as she set the tray on the table beside the window. “Did you sleep well?”<\/p>\n

“Very well,” he said. It was true; he\u2019d slept next to her, holding her, and so he\u2019d slept well. “How about you?”<\/p>\n

“Quite well, thank you. Would you like some breakfast?”<\/p>\n

“Sure.” She watched as he gathered himself stiffly and climbed out of the bed without sitting. When he turned his back to her, bending over to pick up for the dark green robe she\u2019d laid out for him, she frowned slightly at the sight of the bruising she\u2019d left on the ivory buttocks. Without a word, she reached past him for a pillow, which she set on one of the chairs before setting herself on the other one.<\/p>\n

Little Joe eased himself gingerly onto the pillow. He shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position, but there simply wasn\u2019t one. She\u2019d been too thorough in her ministrations.<\/p>\n

He looked up to see her smiling. “A little sore this morning, my dear?”<\/p>\n

“A little,” he admitted, blushing.<\/p>\n

A lot,<\/em>\u00a0she thought. It crossed her mind that, if he couldn\u2019t sit comfortably on a pillow, he was going to have quite a time in the saddle. “Perhaps we can do something about that after breakfast,” she said as she poured his coffee, adding cream and sugar without asking. Apparently, she\u2019d been a bit too hard on him. After all, it was his first time with the paddle. She hadn\u2019t actually expected that he\u2019d go along with it, in spite of his delicious eagerness to experiment in other ways, and perhaps she\u2019d been a bit overenthusiastic as a result. She\u2019d have to make it up to him well if she wanted him to come back for more.<\/p>\n

As soon as they were finished, Joe rose so hastily that he nearly knocked the table over. She couldn\u2019t suppress a smile. “Why don\u2019t you lie down for a bit,” she suggested. “I have an idea.” He looked perplexed, but she simply kissed him and left the room. Half an hour later, she returned to find him lying on his stomach, sound asleep. She knelt beside him on the bed. “Little Joe,” she whispered into his ear, with more breath than absolutely necessary.<\/p>\n

He jerked awake. “Sorry, I dozed off,” he said groggily. He rolled onto his side and tried to draw her down beside him.<\/p>\n

“No, I have something for you,” she said. She was resisting only by a mighty effort\u2014and by her knowledge of what was ahead. “Now, you come with me.” Reluctantly, he allowed her to tug at his hand, pulling him from the bed. He knotted the sash of the robe and followed her into the dressing room area.<\/p>\n

A large copper bathtub was filled with steaming water and herbs with grassy scents. She smiled at his expression, which said that as clearly as words that, while he appreciated the thought, sitting in the hard tub wasn\u2019t likely to be all that pleasant an experience. In the next moment, he saw the towel, folded on the bottom of the tub to cushion him, and he relaxed. Julia did think of everything.<\/p>\n

She unknotted the sash of his robe and slid it off his shoulders. She kissed his hard chest and ran her hands over his lean form. Almost involuntarily, she reached up and crossed her wrists behind his neck to pull him closer. He leaned in and kissed her deeply, his hands moving from her waist upwards.<\/p>\n

Julia broke the kiss, stepping back. “In you go,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Are you sure?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.<\/p>\n

“Very,” she said. “You need to soak a bit,” she said primly, and he laughed at her effort to sound proper. He stepped into the tub, easing himself onto the towel and wincing a bit as his bruised buttocks made contact. He stretched out, grinning at her, surprisingly at ease with the notion of lying buck naked in front of her. Just a few short days ago, he hadn\u2019t known more than her name and her reputation. But now.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

She knelt beside the tub, dipping a washcloth into the water. As he lay back in the water, she gently bathed him, beginning at his feet and working her way up his body. As she went, she massaged his tight muscles, smiling at his groans of pleasure. Occasionally, she drew his hand or foot from the water for a kiss or a nibble or the flick of her tongue. She left periodically, returning with a kettle of water to warm the bath and another handful of herbs to soothe his soreness. His private area was treated only to simple washing, although it was begging for more attention, and she pretended not to notice the question in his eyes when she moved up toward his firm abdomen.<\/p>\n

“Now, turn over,” she instructed. He did so, albeit with some effort. Her deceptively delicate-looking hands worked his shoulders and back muscles with surprising strength, and he moaned with delight.<\/p>\n

Then, her hands moved down to his bruised buttocks. He couldn\u2019t suppress a quick intake of breath. “Oh, Julia,” he murmured. Her touch was as sensual as it was painful. Gently, she kneaded his bottom, working the soreness until it was a delicious ache. She knew that she\u2019d remedied his discomfort enough when he rolled onto his back and reached for her. “Come here,” he murmured. She regarded the lithe young body before her for just a moment. Then, she shed her own dressing gown and stepped into the bathtub.<\/p>\n

Afterward, when there was water all over the floor and they were both spent from passion and laughter, he pulled her to her feet, wrapping her in an embrace that spoke of much more than mere desire. Before she could think of what to do next to be sure that he remembered who was in charge, he was kissing her again, hard and deep, as he swept her up into his arms and carried her, dripping, to the bedroom.<\/p>\n

The rational corner of her mind wanted to resist him. It wouldn\u2019t do to be so involved with this boy. She had a business to run. People had expectations. The idea of having Little Joe Cartwright as something more than a mere plaything was simply impractical. His father would never stand for it. The boy wouldn\u2019t want to share her in the way he would need to. Everything about this spoke of either a quick liaison or a complete disaster.<\/p>\n

But as Little Joe laid her on the bed and began to touch her with hands that were becoming more skilled and confident each time, she knew that she wouldn\u2019t stop. Not yet. She needed to, she ought to, she should, but she wouldn\u2019t. What was going on here wasn\u2019t merely about bodies. Somehow, a line had been crossed. And even though it scared her, and even though she knew that this was a disaster waiting to happen, she knew that she would keep him here as long as he would stay. And so, she surrendered herself to him, as he prepared to take her again, and again.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Hours later, Julia woke to see Joe watching her. “What are you doing?” she asked lazily.<\/p>\n

“Watching you sleep,” he smiled. He ran his fingers lightly along her jaw, drawing her toward him for a kiss.<\/p>\n

“Now, why would you want to do a thing like that?” she asked, twisting his curl around her finger.<\/p>\n

“Because you weren\u2019t awake,” he said logically. “If you were awake, I\u2019d watch you awake, but you weren\u2019t, so I watched you sleep.”<\/p>\n

She laughed, her fingers caressing his smooth skin. “Why would you want to watch me at all?”<\/p>\n

“Because you\u2019re the most beautiful, fascinating, exciting woman I\u2019ve ever met,” he said. “I never want to stop watching you.”<\/p>\n

His gaze was so honest and intent that she felt a shiver pass through her. Immediately, she reverted to her business-like demeanor. “It\u2019s past one o\u2019clock,” she said. “You must be starving. Stay here. I\u2019ll fix us something to eat.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll help,” he offered.<\/p>\n

“Just stay here,” she said. “I\u2019ll only be a minute.” She reached for her dressing gown and was out of the room before she\u2019d even tied the sash.<\/p>\n

A few minutes later, she returned with a tray, but Joe was nowhere to be seen. She turned just in time to see him coming in from the parlor with a quilt. When she started to put the tray on the table, he said, “Oh, no, you don\u2019t.” He smoothed the covers and spread the quilt, and then he set the tray in the middle of the quilt. “Come back to bed. We\u2019re going to have a picnic.”<\/p>\n

“A picnic?”<\/p>\n

“Of course. It\u2019s what people do on Sundays.”<\/p>\n

“They do?”<\/p>\n

“All the time. After church, a man takes his best girl out for a drive, and they stop at some pretty place and have a picnic. You\u2019re definitely my best girl, and I could take you for a drive, but then we\u2019d have to put on clothes, and that wouldn\u2019t be nearly as nice. So, I figured we could have our picnic right here and save ourselves a lot of bother.”<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever been on a picnic,” she said with a touch of wonder. How was it possible that she\u2019d gone her entire life without ever having had this simple experience?<\/p>\n

“Well then, it\u2019s high time you were,” he said. He slid the dressing gown from her shoulders. “It\u2019s very important to be dressed properly for a picnic,” he added, nuzzling her neck as he smoothed his hands over her body. They kissed, and then he said, “So, what have we got for our picnic?”<\/p>\n

She laughed. He could go from boy to man in a flash, and just like that, he was a boy again. “Cold chicken, cheese, grapes, bread, and wine. Mathilda usually cooks on Saturdays and leaves me leftovers for Sunday, but she wasn\u2019t in yesterday.”<\/p>\n

“Good thing,” Joe said. “She\u2019d probably never have come back again. May I?” He offered her his hand and, with as much formal dignity as if he were assisting her into a grand ballroom, he helped her onto the bed to sit next to the tray. Then, he took his place on the other side of the tray, stretching out as she poured the wine. He held up his wineglass. “What shall we drink to this time?”<\/p>\n

She couldn\u2019t help laughing with sheer delight. If anyone had told her two days earlier that she\u2019d spend Sunday afternoon having a picnic in the nude on her bed with Little Joe Cartwright, she\u2019d have said they were stark raving mad. And yet, here she was, and as she met his incredible smile, she knew that there was nowhere else she\u2019d rather be.<\/p>\n

“To being stark raving mad,” she said, and she laughed again at his expression as their glasses clinked.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

That evening, Joe came up behind her as she stood in front of the mirror. He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck. “You don\u2019t need to go downstairs yet, do you?”<\/p>\n

She laughed at the puppy dog eyes reflected in the mirror. Her hands rested on his. “You know, for someone who was raised to be such a good boy, you\u2019re becoming quite a bad influence,” she said, closing her eyes as he nibbled at her neck. These two days with him were the first time in her life that she\u2019d simply ignored her saloon to be with a man.<\/p>\n

“Who, me?” He widened his eyes in mock innocence, even as he pressed himself against her backside. “Am I \u2018influencing\u2019 you, Miss Bulette?”<\/p>\n

She reached behind her to stroke him. “I\u2019d say that\u2019s pretty influential,” she smiled. She turned from the mirror. “In fact, I\u2019d have to say that I\u2019m very influenced.”<\/p>\n

“Then stay here, and I\u2019ll influence you some more.” His hands stroked her as he brought her close, kissing her. “Or don\u2019t you want to be\u2014influenced?”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m supposed to be working,” she said, allowing him to remove her earrings and toss them on the dressing table.<\/p>\n

“You will be\u2014later,” he said with a boldness that surprised even him, and which she found almost disconcertingly attractive.<\/p>\n

“Your father would disapprove, you know,” Julia murmured as the boy\u2019s soft lips found hers again. She allowed her fingers to meander through his thick curls, dipping ever so slightly to just brush the bare skin above the collar of his robe before moving back up.<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s just jealous.” Little Joe\u2019s hands caressed her graceful neck, even as his kisses moved downward from her luscious mouth to that spot right under her jaw that always made her catch her breath. He continued a trail of gentle, insistent kisses and light nibbles until he reached the neckline of her dress. He looked up at her, devilish and shy all at once, and grinned.<\/p>\n

“May I?” he asked, knowing the answer already. At her laugh, light and musical, he began to unbutton the bodice of her dress, marveling at his great good fortune that she was his.<\/p>\n

Julia\u2019s fingers played in his curls, gently pressing his head to her chest. Her breath caught again as his tongue glided in the now-exposed area between her breasts. Little Joe was a fast learner, she had to give him that much. He continued kissing her even as he finished unbuttoning her dress, easing it off her shoulders. She stood still as he lifted her chemise over her head and slid her pantalets over her hips to drop to the floor. He took her hand and drew her forward, clear of the pile of clothing. Then, he stepped back and gazed at her appreciatively.<\/p>\n

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” he said, and it was so obviously true that the notorious Julia Bulette actually felt herself blushing. There was something about this boy, his charm and his innocence and his sensuousness, that was slipping past all of her carefully-constructed defenses. She would need to be very, very careful to maintain control. Otherwise, she could do the unthinkable.<\/p>\n

She could fall in love.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Julia had just finished re-dressing for the evening when there was a knock at the door. She frowned, adjusting her earring as she crossed the room. A quick glance assured her that the bedroom door was firmly closed.<\/p>\n

She opened the door to see a tall, dark man with a grim expression. “Miss Bulette?”<\/p>\n

“Yes.” She gave nothing away as she appraised him.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019d like to speak with you for a minute, if I may.”<\/p>\n

“And you are\u2014”<\/p>\n

“Adam Cartwright, Miss Bulette.”<\/p>\n

Her expression didn\u2019t change as she stepped aside to admit him. She supposed she should have been expecting something like this. She closed the door and turned to him. “What can I do for you, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?”<\/p>\n

“Send my brother home, where he belongs.”<\/p>\n

Julia regarded him for a moment. “You don\u2019t waste time, do you?” she said wryly. “Would you like a brandy?”<\/p>\n

“No, thank you.” His words were perfectly mannered, but there was an anger simmering beneath them.<\/p>\n

Deliberately, Julia poured herself a brandy and sipped. “Now, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said. “What makes you think that I could make your brother go home, even if I were willing to try?”<\/p>\n

“Because he\u2019ll do what you tell him to do,” said Adam. “If you tell him to leave, he\u2019ll leave.”<\/p>\n

“And if I tell him to stay.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.” She took another sip, cocking her head. “You seem to think that I have enormous power over your brother.”<\/p>\n

“You do.”<\/p>\n

“Are you always this direct, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?”<\/p>\n

“When I need to be.” His hazel eyes showed a flash of anger for just a moment. “Miss Bulette, my little brother is just a boy\u2014but he\u2019s a boy who thinks he\u2019s in love.”<\/p>\n

A lesser woman might have been stopped in her tracks by Adam Cartwright\u2019s words. Even Julia felt her stomach flip before she reminded herself that Adam hadn\u2019t seen his brother in days and couldn\u2019t possibly know what the boy was thinking. Thus strengthened, she took issue with the weakest part of his assertion, deliberately leaving the implication that his conclusion was fact.<\/p>\n

“\u2018Thinks\u2019?” she asked archly. “Don\u2019t you believe it possible that he actually could be in love?”<\/p>\n

“No, I don\u2019t,” said Adam.<\/p>\n

“Because he\u2019s a boy\u2014or because it\u2019s me?”<\/p>\n

For the first time, Adam faltered slightly. Then, he squared his shoulders. “Both,” he said. “The kid\u2019s hot-headed and passionate, and he\u2019s loyal to a fault\u2014and you\u2019ve introduced him to something that\u2019s turned the heads of men who are a lot more sensible than an eighteen-year-old kid.”<\/p>\n

Neither of them saw the punch coming that knocked Adam Cartwright off his feet. Julia gasped, and Adam rubbed his jaw. Sprawled on her oriental rug, he looked up at his brother, who was clad in the dark green robe.<\/p>\n

“Get out,” said Joe, eyes blazing. “And so help me God, Adam, if you ever speak to Miss Bulette that way again, I\u2019ll kill you.”<\/p>\n

Adam looked from Julia to Joe. Julia watched the significance of Joe\u2019s attire register on the elder Cartwright\u2019s face before she turned to Little Joe.<\/p>\n

“Joe, it\u2019s all right,” said Julia, taking his arm.<\/p>\n

“No, it\u2019s not all right,” said Joe, eyes fixed on his brother. “My brother owes you an apology, and then he\u2019s going to leave.”<\/p>\n

After a moment, Adam stood, still rubbing his jaw. “Joe\u2019s right,” he said. “I do owe you an apology, Miss Bulette. I shouldn\u2019t have said what I did. I apologize.” He turned to his brother. “And you\u2019re coming home.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll leave when Miss Bulette wants me to go,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“You\u2019re coming now. Get dressed, and let\u2019s go.” Adam Cartwright didn\u2019t yet have the commanding presence of his father, but Julia could see that the day was coming. The notion that this could have been Ben, standing in her parlor and ordering the boy around, stiffened her spine.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not going with you, Adam,” said Joe with more dignity than she would ever have credited to an eighteen-year-old boy wearing nothing but a dressing gown.<\/p>\n

“You don\u2019t have a choice, Joe.” Adam took a step toward his brother, and Julia stepped forward quickly.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not going to have fighting here,” she said. “If you two want to brawl, I suggest that you take it out on the street.”<\/p>\n

“We\u2019re not going to fight, darling,” said Joe. “Adam was just leaving.”<\/p>\n

A slight frown creased Adam\u2019s face at Joe\u2019s use of the endearment. The concern, she knew, came not from the word itself, but from the fact that Joe had clearly used it without thinking. More than anything, that offhand comment seemed to hammer home for Adam Cartwright just how much had changed since Little Joe arrived at her door two days earlier.<\/p>\n

“Joe, are you sure?” she asked in a low voice.<\/p>\n

He smiled. “I\u2019m sure,” he said, kissing her forehead. His eyes, so tender looking at her, were marble-hard an instant later as he glared at his brother. “Get out,” he said.<\/p>\n

Adam looked again from his brother to Julia. He was far better than Little Joe at hiding his thoughts, but even Julia could see that he was weighing his options. One of the options, she knew, was going to be to remove Joe bodily\u2014Adam was not only older, but bigger and likely stronger. Since Joe was clearly not amenable to discussion, Adam would probably have to use brawn. And the fact was that if he wanted to knock the boy senseless, sling him over his shoulder and carry him out of there, there wasn\u2019t likely to be much either she or Joe could do.<\/p>\n

So, Julia used what she had. She took Joe\u2019s arm, and then turned a fierce glare on his brother. “We\u2019ve said all there is to say, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said coldly, even as her fingers stroked Joe\u2019s sleeve.\u00a0We\u2019re together, Joe and I,<\/em>\u00a0her gesture said.\u00a0You can\u2019t divide us. Even if you haul him out of here like a sack of grain, he\u2019ll come back to me.<\/em>\u00a0She watched him trying to not to look at her hand on his brother\u2019s arm, and she felt a small thrill of victory as his frown revealed that he understood. Only then did she release Joe\u2019s arm and step forward to open the door. “Good-bye.”<\/p>\n

“Pa wants you to come home,” said Adam. Joe barely flinched, but she knew that that arrow had hit its mark.<\/p>\n

“Tell Pa I\u2019ll be home when I\u2019m good and ready,” said Joe. There was a slight wobble in his defiance. She knew that Adam heard it, too, because he simply nodded, bid her a good evening, and left.<\/p>\n

She closed the door after him and turned to Joe, who was still watching the place where his brother had been. Her reflex was to take him in her arms and draw him back into the bedroom, to make him forget Adam had ever been here, but there was something in his face that stopped her.<\/p>\n

Unbidden, the thought came to her:\u00a0this is what it would be like for him, to be with me.<\/em>\u00a0As long as it was just the two of them, here in her rooms, they could have a fine and lovely time, but the outside world would never stand for Ben Cartwright\u2019s son with the likes of Julia Bulette. Adam Cartwright was merely the first of many who would try to come between them.<\/p>\n

Eventually, someone would succeed.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

“Miss Bulette?”<\/p>\n

Julia turned from the bar to see a large man with somber blue eyes. He held a large cream-colored hat in his hand. Little Joe\u2019s other brother, to be sure. Hoss, he\u2019d said. She hadn\u2019t expected him quite so soon after Adam\u2019s departure. She\u2019d rather thought he\u2019d wait until morning.<\/p>\n

“Yes, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?” She allowed herself an instant of triumph at his expression. She led him to a corner table and took a seat, gesturing for him to do the same. “You\u2019re here to ask me to send your brother home,” she said without preamble.<\/p>\n

“Yes\u2019m.” Hoss Cartwright set his hat on the table. “We\u2019d be much obliged if you would.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not holding him against his will, you know,” she said. She raised a finger, and a bottle of brandy and two glasses were set on the table. She poured, setting the other glass in front of Hoss, but he made no move toward it.<\/p>\n

“I know that, ma\u2019am,” he said. “But\u2014well\u2014I reckon he\u2019ll stay as long as you\u2019ll have him.” He blushed, and she felt an odd sort of pity.<\/p>\n

In the next moment, she steeled herself. “You do know that your other brother has already been here, asking the same thing,” she said, sipping.<\/p>\n

“Yes\u2019m, he told me,” Hoss said. “He said you wouldn\u2019t send the boy home.”<\/p>\n

Julia sat back. “You both do that, don\u2019t you?” she mused. “Calling him a boy.”<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s eighteen, ma\u2019am. He is a boy.”<\/p>\n

“Perhaps,” she said. “But he\u2019s not a child.”<\/p>\n

“Ma\u2019am?”<\/p>\n

“Your brother and I are fond of each other,” she said. “We enjoy each other\u2019s company. Why is this such a crime in the eyes of the Cartwrights?”<\/p>\n

“It ain\u2019t\u2014it ain\u2019t a crime\u2014it\u2019s just\u2014” She knew what he was fumbling to say, and a flare of anger flashed in her.<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s just that I\u2019m not the proper sort of companion for a respectable young man, is that it, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright? You\u2019d like me to step aside gracefully so that I don\u2019t sully your brother\u2019s reputation any further. A few days with me could be passed off as a youthful indiscretion, but the longer we remain together, the more it begins to look more like a failure of his character\u2014or his upbringing.” She stood, her anger under tight control. “As I told your brother, and as I will no doubt tell your father when he appears at my door with the same demand, whether Little Joe stays or goes is entirely up to him. Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I have a saloon to run.”<\/p>\n

Hoss rose. “I\u2019m sorry, ma\u2019am,” he said, and he sounded as if he meant it. “We\u2019re just worried about him. I didn\u2019t mean to offend.” His eyes were dark with misery, and for a moment, she nearly felt compassion toward him.<\/p>\n

“I accept your apology,” she said. “Good evening, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.” She turned on her heel, head held high, as she began to consider what activities, public and private, the evening might hold.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The next morning, when she awoke, she was alone in her bed. She rolled over to see Joe standing at the foot of the bed, pants in hand.<\/p>\n

“I wouldn\u2019t bother if I were you,” she said lazily. His head shot around, and she smiled. “Come here,” she invited.<\/p>\n

“I need to get back to the ranch,” he said. “I haven\u2019t been home in three days. I have work to do.” But he laid down his pants and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured, his fingers gentle on her cheek.<\/p>\n

“Nobody\u2019s beautiful at this time of the day,” said Julia lightly. Never would she let him see how much his words meant to her. Not that she had any questions about her appearance. She knew from her own mirror, as well as the comments of countless men, how attractive she was. But she knew by now that, when Joe Cartwright said those words, he meant something else entirely. He wasn\u2019t just talking about her hair and her lips and her figure. He was talking about what he saw in her eyes in those intimate moments when nothing was hidden.<\/p>\n

And in those moments, she could almost believe him.<\/p>\n

But the rest of the time, with her armor in place, she deflected such comments. She let him know, with a kiss or a touch, that she appreciated the sentiment, but she never said anything to suggest that she gave credence to his words. It was her way. Because in the light of day, with everyone properly dressed and going about their business, there was simply no room for fantasies.<\/p>\n

He smiled. He understood just a little bit better than he had three days ago. “You\u2019re beautiful at any time of day,” he said. He craned his neck as if angling for a glimpse of what was hidden beneath the coverlet, and she laughed. She had never laughed so much in her life as she had in these few days with Little Joe Cartwright.<\/p>\n

“Go to work, then,” she said. “I\u2019ll just lie here, all alone in this great big bed, and think about you.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll think about you lying there thinking about me,” he promised. His fingers were gentle as they stroked her neck. “May I come back tonight?”<\/p>\n

“Aren\u2019t you tired of me?” She was only half-joking.<\/p>\n

“I could never be tired of you,” he said. “It would be like getting tired of breathing.”<\/p>\n

She couldn\u2019t suppress a smile at that. “Aren\u2019t you the romantic one,” she said. She drew him to her and kissed him softly. “You don\u2019t have to come back tonight,” she said seriously. “It\u2019s a long ride. Besides, I have to work, too.”<\/p>\n

He sat up, troubled. “Don\u2019t you want me to come back?”<\/p>\n

She held back a sigh. She sometimes forgot just how young he was. “It\u2019s up to you,” she said. “I\u2019ll be here either way.”<\/p>\n

“Then I\u2019ll be back tonight,” he promised, pulling her close.<\/p>\n

“Joe, if you want to stay with your family, I understand,” said Julia. She rested her hand on his thigh, controlling only with effort the urge to move it the short distance that would make him stay now.<\/p>\n

He laid his hand on hers, holding it firmly in place as he kissed her more intensely than he\u2019d have done only a few days earlier. “I\u2019ll be back tonight,” he promised. He dressed, tipped his hat and left. As the door closed, she reached for the pillow he\u2019d slept on and held it tightly, burying her nose in it to catch a whiff of his scent.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

He came back that night, and the next, and the next. Julia watched with fond amusement as Little Joe drank and gambled and scrapped and generally had himself a grand old time. The regulars looked on him as a mere curiosity, when they paid attention at all, but the boy reveled in this new world known as Julia\u2019s Palace, downstairs as well as upstairs.<\/p>\n

There was only one small hitch. As the owner and hostess, Julia needed to be friendly with the men who came in. They came not just for the drinks and the gambling, but also for the beautiful women who flirted and laughed with them. She\u2019d explained this to Joe in no uncertain terms on the first night he came back. She couldn\u2019t afford for him to alienate her customers. It was just business, she assured him. She didn\u2019t tell him that, in the past, business had sometimes included going upstairs. There was no point in mentioning that.<\/p>\n

Especially since she was beginning to think that she no longer wanted business to go upstairs.<\/p>\n

It was clear to her that he was doing his best to respect the demands of her role. On several occasions, though, she saw him watching with an intent frown as she entertained some of her more boisterous customers. She caught his eye and shook her head slightly when she saw him scowl at a gambler\u2019s hand on her waist or a miner\u2019s gaze at her bodice. She could take care of herself, she told him silently. Even so, his fierce glare warned that they had better not step out of line.<\/p>\n

Julia knew that it would only be a matter of time before someone would overstep the boundaries. And when that happened, Little Joe Cartwright would take it upon himself to avenge her honor.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

A knock at the door, a deep voice answering Mathilda\u2019s, and the person she\u2019d been expecting appeared in the bedroom doorway. She took one last moment to hold the damp cloth, scented with healing herbs, against Joe\u2019s bruised face, before she looked up.<\/p>\n

“Hello, Ben,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Hello, Julia.” But his attention was already focused on his son. She told herself that the horror in his eyes was due to the florid bruises on the boy\u2019s face, rather than the fact that it was her bed in which he lay, with his bare shoulders suggesting the absence of any other clothing\u2014or that it was she who sat beside him.<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s fine, he\u2019s just sleeping,” she said, not rising. “The doctor gave him something for the pain. It makes him groggy.”<\/p>\n

Just then, Little Joe stirred, the slight movement commanding their attention. Ben stepped forward, reaching past her to stroke his son\u2019s hair. “Joe? Can you hear me, son?”<\/p>\n

“Pa?” the boy managed. Through bleary, half-opened eyes, he looked from his father to Julia. Clearly confused, he murmured, “What are you doing here?”<\/p>\n

“Sssssh,” said Julia. “Go back to sleep, everything\u2019s fine.”<\/p>\n

“But\u2014Pa\u2014”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m right here, son,” said Ben. “You just rest now. I\u2019m not going anyplace.” The boy\u2019s eyes were already closing, and this last line was delivered directly to Julia, who held the father\u2019s gaze steadily. As his son succumbed to healing sleep, Ben jerked his head to indicate that she should leave the room with him.<\/p>\n

Julia Bulette knew which men to fear. Ben Cartwright was not one of them. He would never strike her. Even so, as he glared at her, Julia felt her heart begin to pound. Deliberately, she turned back to Joe, fingers skimming his cheek. When she had summoned sufficient control, she rose and followed Ben out of the room, drawing the door closed behind them.<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s not as bad as it looks,” she said, leading him into the parlor. “Mostly cuts and bruises. The doctor thinks he may have cracked a couple of ribs.” She handed him a brandy. “What is it you men always say? You should see the other fellow.”<\/p>\n

“But it wasn\u2019t just one other fellow, it was four,” said Ben. She wasn\u2019t surprised that he\u2019d gathered his information before coming. “I\u2019m taking him home, Julia.”<\/p>\n

“Shouldn\u2019t that be up to him?” She sipped her brandy. “And please, don\u2019t tell me he\u2019s just a boy and doesn\u2019t know his own mind. Your other two sons have already tried that.”<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s hurt,” said Ben. “He needs to be in his own home, his own room\u2014”<\/p>\n

“\u2014his own bed,” she finished quietly. “Not mine.”<\/p>\n

“Yes,” said Ben levelly. Their eyes met for a long moment. Then, Julia turned and walked to the window, looking down at the street. Finally, she turned back to him.<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s his decision, Ben,” she said.<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s just a boy,” his father said.<\/p>\n

She shook her head. “That is a mistake you Cartwrights seem to make a lot,” she said. “That young man is not a child, Ben. He may not entirely grown up, but he\u2019s not the little boy you all seem to remember, either.” She set her glass on the table, her mind made up. “When he wakes up, I will ask him what he wants to do. If he wants to go back to the Ponderosa with you, I will not stand in his way. If he wants to stay here, you may spend as much time with him as you like while he recuperates.” She drew a deep breath. “But if you try to take him out of here against his will, Ben\u2014it will get very, very ugly, and I assure you, you will lose\u2014one way or another.”<\/p>\n

She could see the anger rising in him. His nostrils flared, and his breathing came hard. She held steady, watching him. He threw back his brandy in one gulp, and it was his turn to look out the window. She waited, watching his tense back. At last, he turned.<\/p>\n

“Why are you doing this?” he whispered.<\/p>\n

“Doing what?”<\/p>\n

“Trying to destroy my family. Why, Julia? I\u2019ve never done anything to you. Never.”<\/p>\n

She opened her mouth to speak, but found she had no answer. “I\u2019m not trying to destroy your family,” she said after a minute. “Why is it so difficult for you all to believe that?”<\/p>\n

“Then what is it you want? Tell me, and I\u2019ll give it to you, whatever it is. Just don\u2019t take my son.” His dark eyes were pleading now.<\/p>\n

“Miss Bulette?” They turned to see Mathilda standing in the doorway. “Little Joe\u2019s asking for you, ma\u2019am,” she said. Ben and Julia hurried to the bedroom.<\/p>\n

Julia sat on one side of the bed, Ben on the other. Joe looked from one to the other. “What\u2019s going on?” His words were slurred, his eyes only half-open.<\/p>\n

“How are you feeling?” she asked, her touch deliberately intimate against his face.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m fine,” he said. “Pa, what are you doing here?”<\/p>\n

“I came to see you,” Ben said lightly. The eyes that had held such cold anger toward her were warm with love as they beheld his son. “I hear you had a little trouble last night.”<\/p>\n

“Nothin\u2019 serious,” Joe said. “Just a couple of miners who didn\u2019t know how to talk to a lady.”<\/p>\n

Ben stiffened almost imperceptibly. Keeping his voice light, he said, “Looks like you\u2019re going to be mighty sore for a while. Doc seems to think you cracked a couple ribs.”<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged, wincing at the movement. “Ain\u2019t like I\u2019ve never done that before.”<\/p>\n

“I know,” said Ben. He stroked his son\u2019s hair. “I think you should come home and rest up, Joe.”<\/p>\n

Joe peered first at his father, then at Julia. “Did you send for Pa?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“No,” she reassured him. “He came because he heard you\u2019d been hurt.” The boy looked unconvinced, and she took his hand in both of hers, stroking it.<\/p>\n

“Julia didn\u2019t ask me to come,” Ben confirmed, almost unwillingly. Julia shot him a grateful look, but his attention was focused on his son. “She sent us a note to tell us what happened, but that was all.”<\/p>\n

Joe relaxed visibly. The three sat quietly for a few minutes. Just as Joe was starting to doze off again, he murmured, “Pa, can I talk to Julia alone?”<\/p>\n

“The best thing for you right now, young man, is rest,” said Ben with affectionate sternness. “You can talk to Miss Bulette later.”<\/p>\n

Julia tried not to bristle at Ben\u2019s response. He was right that Joe needed to rest, but it irked her to have the boy dismissed so. Ignoring Ben, she said, “What is it, darling?” The endearment was out of her mouth before she realized it, and she mentally kicked herself, knowing that Ben would consider it a deliberate manipulation rather than an honest expression of affection.<\/p>\n

Joe looked at his father. After a moment more, Ben rose. “Just for a minute, and then I want to you to get some sleep.”<\/p>\n

“Yes, sir,” Joe said. Ben\u2019s jaw was clenched as he caught Julia\u2019s eye, but he left the room and didn\u2019t slam the door.<\/p>\n

“Your father\u2019s right, you know,” she said, kissing his hand. “You need to rest.”<\/p>\n

“Julia\u2014I think I should go back to the Ponderosa,” he said.<\/p>\n

For the tiniest second, everything froze. Carefully, she maintained the same tone as she said, “Is that what you want to do?”<\/p>\n

“No,” he said. “But Pa needs me to be there.”<\/p>\n

“Your father is fine,” Julia said. “I\u2019ve already told him that if you want to stay here, he\u2019s welcome to be here, too.”<\/p>\n

“Too hard for him.” The boy was getting drowsier. “Needs me home.”<\/p>\n

She pressed his hand against her chest. With the faintest grin, he started to slide it downward to her breast, and she burst out laughing. “You\u2019re incorrigible,” she said. She leaned over to kiss him, and he reached up to hold her close.<\/p>\n

“I love you,” he murmured against her lips.<\/p>\n

It was as if he\u2019d doused her with ice water. Only by the greatest effort did she not jerk away. “You need to sleep now,” she said. She laid a gentle hand on his lovely, bruised face. “We\u2019ll talk about the rest later.” She rose and adjusted the coverlet over him.<\/p>\n

His words reached her as her hand was on the doorknob. “I mean it,” he whispered. She looked back to see his eyes closing. Then, deliberately, she opened the door.<\/p>\n

Ben was in the parlor, looking out the window. As she came into the room, he turned to her, the question plain on his face.<\/p>\n

“He wants to go back to the Ponderosa,” she said. “He\u2019s asleep now. As soon as he\u2019s awake, you can go.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you,” said Ben. His eyes asked, but he gave no voice to his thoughts.<\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t thank me. He made his own decision,” said Julia, betraying no emotion. “Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I need to go and check on things downstairs.” She was out the door and sweeping down the stairs before Ben could speak.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

She sensed his presence in the moment before he spoke. “Hello, Julia,” Little Joe said, his voice quiet under the din.<\/p>\n

Julia turned, deliberately cheerful and professional. “Well, you look much better than the last time I saw you,” she said, immediately breaking her first resolution, which was to make no mention of their past.<\/p>\n

He smiled. “I\u2019m feeling much better,” he said. His eyes were questioning, but her defenses were solid.<\/p>\n

“It\u2019s good to see you again,” she said brightly. She started to turn away, but his hand on her arm stopped her.<\/p>\n

“You never answered my letters,” he said. During his recuperation, he\u2019d sent notes into town nearly every day.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not much of a letter writer,” she said.<\/p>\n

“I invited you out to the Ponderosa,” he said.<\/p>\n

“I know,” she admitted. “It didn\u2019t seem like a good idea.” She smiled as if she felt like it. “It\u2019s good to see you again,” she repeated. “Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me\u2014”<\/p>\n

“No.” His hand tightened on her arm, just a bit. “Not until you tell me why.”<\/p>\n

“Why what?”<\/p>\n

“Why you don\u2019t want to see me.”<\/p>\n

“What makes you think I don\u2019t want to see you?”<\/p>\n

“The past two weeks,” said Little Joe. The pain in his eyes was undeniable. He was going to have to learn to bluff a lot better if he was ever to play poker without losing his shirt. In his face, she could see it all: his growing hurt and confusion as each new day passed with no message from her, the attempts by his brothers to distract him and jolly him along, the efforts by his father to explain how she came from a different world and maybe this was all for the best, after all.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d stayed downstairs, laughing and chatting with customers until she looked up to see Ben helping Joe down the stairs. The boy was too pale under his bruises and clearly unsteady on his feet. Without thinking, she hurried to help Ben get him to a chair, and then she knelt beside Joe. “Are you sure you want to do this today?” she asked. “You can wait until tomorrow if you want.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe smiled groggily. “Just tired,” he said, clumsily resting his hand against her face. “Had more painkiller. Don\u2019t feel anything.”<\/em><\/p>\n

She looked up at Ben again. He was a fool to be putting the boy through this now. How desperate he must be to get Little Joe out of her clutches. She laid her hand on Joe\u2019s. “Darling, it\u2019s all right if you want to stay here tonight. You can go home tomorrow, when you\u2019re feeling better.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe peered at her as if he weren\u2019t quite focusing. “You come with me,” he said. “We\u2019ll all go home.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Joe, Miss Bulette needs to stay here,” said Ben, as if his son were a small child. “And you need to get home and into bed.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I was in bed,” said Joe, confused. He looked at Julia, his brow furrowed. “Wasn\u2019t I in bed?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Pa, the buckboard\u2019s all ready,” Hoss announced as he and Adam strode in. They looked from Joe to Ben to Julia. “Afternoon, Miss Bulette. Okay, Shortshanks, let\u2019s get you out of here.” He helped Joe to his feet. When Joe swayed and almost fell, Adam took his other side. The brothers exchanged a quick glance, and Adam shook his head: if they carried Joe out, he\u2019d never forgive them.<\/em><\/p>\n

As the brothers made their way out, Ben and Julia exchanged a long look. “Thank you for taking care of him,” he said finally.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I\u2019m sure you\u2019re welcome,” she said coldly. They both knew that he felt he had won. When she said nothing more, Ben put on his hat and headed out the door to where his older sons were helping Joe into the back of the buckboard.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, Joe stood before her, and she admitted to herself that she\u2019d never actually expected to see him again. Young men moved on from their first loves faster than beer got warm on a summer\u2019s day. Besides, leaving was the best thing for him. If he\u2019d stayed, or if he came back, she would end up destroying him, not because she wanted to, but because it was who she was.<\/p>\n

“Are you upset because I went back to the Ponderosa?” He looked perplexed, and just a tiny bit hopeful.<\/p>\n

“Of course not.”<\/p>\n

“Then have dinner with me tonight.”<\/p>\n

She laughed bitterly. “You mean, \u2018go back to bed with you,\u2019 don\u2019t you?”<\/p>\n

His cheeks reddened slightly. He looked hurt. “No,” he said. “Not if you don\u2019t want to. I\u2019d be happy to have dinner with you, or go for a buggy ride, or just sit here and talk to you. I just want to be with you.” His voice dropped to just above a whisper, and she had to lean closer to hear him. “I meant what I said that day. I said it again and again in my letters. I love you, Julia.”<\/p>\n

She busied herself with the clasp of her bracelet. She\u2019d told herself that his first proclamation was simply the result of lust and painkillers. Then, when he kept writing it, she tossed the words aside as mere puppy love that would fade when the memory of her bed did. Romantic words were well and good, but all he really wanted was to go back upstairs. That was all they ever wanted. She glanced downward, below his gunbelt, to confirm this.<\/p>\n

But there was no indication that she was right.<\/p>\n

She was so taken aback that she looked up. The intense green eyes were hot with the love he knew and the heartbreak that was imminent. He was braced against her next words. His jaw was set. He was prepared. All she had to do was to say the word, and he would walk out, forever.<\/p>\n

When she said nothing at all, he nodded. “All right, then,” he said. “Sorry to have bothered you.” He put his hat on, straightened his shoulders, and started to walk away.<\/p>\n

“Joe.”<\/p>\n

He stopped. He turned back, wary. His eyes were hard, laced with pain and disillusionment.<\/p>\n

“Eight o\u2019clock. Don\u2019t be late.”<\/p>\n

For a moment, his expression didn\u2019t change. Then, something in his face softened, and the smallest hint of his lopsided grin showed at the corner of his mouth. “Eight o\u2019clock,” he nodded.<\/p>\n

She watched him walk out, and she watched the doors long after he\u2019d walked through them. Then, she turned to Tom. “I need a brandy,” she said. Tom poured her a generous glass. Then, instead of setting it on the bar, as bartenders always did, he pressed it into her hand. For the briefest of seconds, their eyes met, and then his expression returned to its usual inscrutability.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
\n

Chapter 2<\/strong><\/p>\n

And just like that, Little Joe Cartwright and Julia Bulette<\/strong> were back together, to the great distress of the good citizens of Virginia City.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t that everyone disapproved of Julia. The firefighters, for example, thought she was delightful. Anyone who worked for her held her in high regard for both her acute business acumen and her innate sense of fair play, and they were generally sad when the circumstances of their own lives required them to leave her employ. For the most part, the men who frequented her Palace felt that she was out of their reach, although that didn\u2019t stop them from admiring her. They enjoyed her establishment, the music and the laughter and the pretty girls, and they might have coveted Julia herself, but they had the good sense not to cross that line. Those who tried to take liberties were soundly reminded by the others of the impropriety of their actions, and once they recovered from whatever beatings they\u2019d sustained, they were grateful enough to be allowed back in that they minded their manners.<\/p>\n

But the respectable citizens\u2014they were another story. Even they were not so distressed about Julia on her own. As long as she stuck to her own kind and stayed away from their husbands and sons, they were generally prepared to ignore her. In this case, though, she had stepped out of her place, to their way of thinking. She had ensnared the youngest son of one of Virginia City\u2019s finest families in her sticky web of lust. And so, they felt quite justified in doing whatever they deemed necessary to put her back in her place.<\/p>\n

At first, they restricted themselves to snubbing her on the street when she was alone. Since she\u2019d spent her entire life being snubbed by such people, though, she noticed little and cared less. And so they stepped up their efforts, acknowledging Joe and ignoring Julia when the couple walked down the street. She could feel Little Joe\u2019s anger as he would very deliberately speak to both husband and wife, and her hand tightened on his arm to keep him in check as she did likewise.<\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t worry about it, Joe,” she said when James and Amanda McCormack had greeted Joe as if he were alone.<\/p>\n

“How can I ignore this? You\u2019re the woman I love. I\u2019m proud to be with you. If these \u2018good people\u2019 were half of what they claim to be, they\u2019d be treating you like a queen!”<\/p>\n

Julia sighed. Sometimes, his na\u00efvet\u00e9 was touching, but other times, it was frustrating. He\u2019d apparently swallowed whole his father\u2019s teachings about how everyone was alike and deserved a fair shake. It was the type of notion that righteous people loved, right up until they came face to face with the need to apply it to someone they deemed unsavory. Joe\u2019s innocent anger at the local gentry, and his nearly child-like conviction that he could somehow force them to change their minds, felt like a fast train to disaster.<\/p>\n

“Evening, Little Joe,” said Clifton Randalls, and his wife nodded. They were just passing by when Joe stopped, his jaw clenched.<\/p>\n

“Joe, let\u2019s go,” said Julia in a low voice.<\/p>\n

“Apparently, Mr.\u00a0Randalls, you didn\u2019t notice that I\u2019m with a lady,” Joe said, his voice a shade louder than necessary. From her expression, it was clear that Mrs.\u00a0Randalls took issue with that statement, but she said nothing.<\/p>\n

“Joe,” Julia said again, tugging at his arm, but he was rooted in place, his eyes flashing.<\/p>\n

The banker looked for just a moment as if he wanted to give the boy a sound thrashing. Then, discretion won out, and he touched the brim of his hat. “My apologies, Miss Bulette,” he said. “I didn\u2019t see you. Good evening, ma\u2019am.”<\/p>\n

“Good evening,” Julia replied. As soon as the Randallses were out of earshot, she yanked her arm from Joe\u2019s. “Do not ever do that to me again,” she hissed, fury scorching her words.<\/p>\n

“Do what? Require him to show respect?”<\/p>\n

“Do you think he respects me now, just because you forced him to speak to me? Don\u2019t make me your battle, Joe. If you want to take on the town, you go right ahead, but leave me out of it!”<\/p>\n

“Julia, I\u2019m not going to stand by and let them treat you that way!”<\/p>\n

“And how do you propose to stop them? With your fists?”<\/p>\n

“If I have to!” His eyes were blazing, but no more so than hers.<\/p>\n

She forced herself to calm down. “Joe, this isn\u2019t going to work,” she said. “I am who I am, and that seems to be a problem for you.”<\/p>\n

“Darling, I have no problem with who you are,” he said. “But I do have a problem with people who are disrespectful to the woman I love, and I will not apologize for that, and I will not stand for seeing you treated with any less respect than you deserve.” His face glowed with the intensity of his declaration, and Julia found herself touched by his loyalty.<\/p>\n

And so, she didn\u2019t remind him that these people felt that they were indeed treating her with all the respect that she deserved.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Julia flattened herself against the wall as the punches flew. Joe had already leapt over the low divider between Julia\u2019s private box and the stage, and from there, he leapt again from the stage to the audience, where the manager was trying to beat a hasty retreat. In moments, the entire opera house was a shrieking, shouting melee of fighting men and frantic women.<\/p>\n

A single gunshot brought instant silence. At the rear of the theatre, Roy Coffee stood, eyeing the crowd. Next to him was Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

“Now, what in tarnation is goin\u2019 on here?” demanded Roy. He looked around for a likely culprit. When Little Joe got to his feet, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Roy seized him. “I might have known,” he said disgustedly.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t the first time in recent days that Joe had been found at the bottom of a fight. He and Julia had been out nearly every night for the past week. The snubs continued, but the self-appointed guardians of Virginia City morality apparently found them insufficient to deal with such a crisis as the Cartwright boy with the Bulette woman, and so they increased the stakes. Barely-audible comments were muttered, and new rumors began to circulate about Julia\u2019s past.<\/p>\n

Julia was able to ignore such petty tactics, but Joe was not. When they tried to go out to dinner at a new restaurant, they were offered a table at the far back, out of sight of the other customers. Not until Joe, who was clearly holding his temper only by a mighty effort, reminded the owner of the business that the Ponderosa could bring in were they seated at another table\u2014and then, the couple at the next table, a mine owner and his wife, asked loudly to be moved. The restaurant owner obliged, murmuring\u00a0sotto voce<\/em>\u00a0that he understood. The damage to the restaurant from the ensuing brawl was nearly two hundred dollars.<\/p>\n

This evening\u2019s insult had been the most egregious. Julia had long had a private box at the opera house. When they entered it this time, they found that it had been draped. Julia tried to make light of the development, making salacious suggestions about what they could do with this unexpected privacy, but Joe demanded that the manager account for his actions. When the manager explained that the box had been draped so that its inhabitants would not be visible to the other members of the audience, Joe saw red.<\/p>\n

Even Roy Coffee had to admit in all fairness that a man shouldn\u2019t be required to put up with such insults to his lady friend. Still, he didn\u2019t have the ability to stand by and just let Little Joe tear up the town until they all decided to settle down and behave. Before he said any more, though, Ben had grabbed Joe by the arm.<\/p>\n

“Joseph, what are you doing now?” he demanded.<\/p>\n

Joe met his glare squarely. Even from where she stood, Julia could see Ben\u2019s anger soften slightly at the sight of the fresh bruises on top of the older bruises. She stepped forward. “Perhaps I can explain,” she said, her voice clear and strong. “The management determined that it was appropriate to drape my box. I accepted it, but my escort did not.”<\/p>\n

Ben tore his glare away from Joe and fixed it on Julia, who held it, chin raised, without returning the same fire. After a minute, he turned his attention to the manager. “How much is the damage?”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019d say about four hundred, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” said the manager.<\/p>\n

“Fine, I\u2019ll take care of it,” snapped Ben. “Now, let\u2019s get out of here.” He started to leave, still holding Joe\u2019s arm, but the boy dug in his heels. “Joseph, let\u2019s go.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not leaving, Pa.” Little Joe\u2019s defiance was all the more startling for the manner in which it was delivered, controlled and dignified.<\/p>\n

“Joseph, I said \u2018let\u2019s go\u2019!” Ben\u2019s temper was slipping its lead.<\/p>\n

“And I said I\u2019m not going.” The boy looked his father squarely in the eye as he spoke. If Ben\u2019s tone and authority, which made grown men quiver, was having any effect on his youngest son, there was no outward sign.<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright was an intensely private man when it came to his family\u2019s matters. There was no question in Julia\u2019s mind that he found the notion of this public fight as distasteful as she did. He lowered his voice, clipped and controlled. “You will get on your horse and you will ride out with me, now. And when we get home, we will talk about this\u2014situation.”<\/p>\n

“And then what? Are you going to restrict me to the ranch? Are you planning to forbid me from seeing Julia? You can\u2019t, Pa. I love her.” He looked at the silent crowd and announced loudly, “That\u2019s right. I love Julia Bulette. Any of you who have a problem with that, I\u2019ll be happy to settle it with you.” He turned back to his father. “You can\u2019t make me leave her, Pa. You can drag me back to the Ponderosa, but you can\u2019t make me stay.”<\/p>\n

“Little Joe, you listen to your pa now,” began Roy, but Joe cut him off.<\/p>\n

“Roy, this isn\u2019t your business,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Well, I ain\u2019t so sure about that,” said Roy. “You\u2019re only eighteen. Under the law, your pa\u2019s got the right to say what you do and don\u2019t do. Now, if\u2019n you ain\u2019t gonna\u2014”<\/p>\n

“Roy.” Ben looked at him, and the lawman fell silent. To Joe, he said, “You are going home, Joseph. Now.”<\/p>\n

“Well, you\u2019re right about that, anyway,” said Joe. He jerked his arm from Ben\u2019s grasp and turned to Julia. “Let\u2019s go home, darling.” He took her arm and turned to his stunned father. “Good night, Pa.”<\/p>\n

Only by a mighty effort did Julia keep her expression level. She wanted to ask the boy if he was sure about what he was doing, but she couldn\u2019t. His announcement was too big, too public. She had no choice. So, she smiled up at Joe and nodded as she handed him his hat. As they turned to go, she looked over her shoulder and said, “Good night, Ben, Roy.”<\/p>\n

Ben said nothing. His face was white with shock. As they left the wreckage of the opera house, Julia found that, for the first time in her life, she felt sorry for Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

It was nearly ten o\u2019clock the next night before Joe appeared at her door. Julia had headed upstairs early, leaving Amelia and Ellie Sue to handle matters downstairs. She\u2019d had a lot to turn over in her mind, and she needed quiet.<\/p>\n

After they left the opera house, she waited until they were in her rooms before asking the obvious question. “Are you sure about this, Joe?” She handed him a whiskey, and he tossed it back with a practiced ease that she hadn\u2019t expected.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Of course, I\u2019m sure,” he said, sounding anything but. “Why wouldn\u2019t I be?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“We\u2019ve never really talked about it,” she said, pouring a brandy for herself and another whiskey for him. She washed the blood from his face as she spoke, grateful for something to do.<\/em><\/p>\n

“What\u2019s there to talk about? I love you, I want to be with you, and I don\u2019t care what anyone else says. Unless\u2014” A dart of fear flashed in his eyes. “Don\u2019t you want me here?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t be silly,” she said, kissing him gently to forestall further questions along those lines. The truth was that she hadn\u2019t lived with a man since Jean-Paul, and she\u2019d never thought about it. On the other hand, considering how many nights a week Joe already spent here, a few more wouldn\u2019t make much difference. “That\u2019s not what I mean.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Then what do you mean?” He held her hand still, green eyes probing for the truth.<\/em><\/p>\n

“We\u2019re talking about you living with a woman you\u2019re not married to,” she said. “No matter how you look at it, this is not something people take casually. Not for a Cartwright, anyway.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“If you\u2019re talking about my father\u2014”<\/em><\/p>\n

“He\u2019s one of the people, yes,” she said. “But he\u2019s not the only one.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Well, that\u2019s easy enough to solve,” said Joe. “Marry me, Julia. First thing in the morning, we\u2019ll go over to the preacher\u2019s and get married.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Julia rose and walked to the window. It took every ounce of will to keep from shaking. “I can\u2019t marry you, Joe,” she said finally.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Why not?” He was behind her, and he turned her to face him. “Do you love me?”<\/em><\/p>\n

She looked up at him. “It\u2019s not that,” she said.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Then what is it?”<\/em><\/p>\n

She opened her mouth, and then closed it. “I can\u2019t explain it,” she said helplessly. “I wish I could.” There were things she simply couldn\u2019t say, not even to herself.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Tell me,” he said gently. “Whatever it is, just tell me.”<\/em><\/p>\n

She looked into his beautiful, innocent eyes. The love that shone there was so pure and unvarnished that she wanted to crawl into a corner and hide. “I can\u2019t,” she said finally. “I\u2019m sorry, darling, but I just can\u2019t.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Julia, whatever it is, it doesn\u2019t make any difference to me,” said Joe, smoothing her hair.<\/em><\/p>\n

“But it makes a difference to me,” she said quietly.<\/em><\/p>\n

He drew her into a tender embrace, kissing her hair. “I wish you could tell me,” he said after a while. “But if you can\u2019t, that\u2019s all right. We won\u2019t get married now. But Julia, you need to know something.” He paused, and she looked up at him questioningly. “I\u2019m not going to stop asking,” he said. “I promise, I won\u2019t hound you, but someday, when you\u2019re ready, you\u2019re going to give me a different answer. Until then, we\u2019ll be together, and that\u2019ll be fine.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“But what about your family?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“They\u2019re just going to have to understand,” said Joe with a bravado that was almost convincing.<\/em><\/p>\n

When he finally appeared, his eyes were red-rimmed. He carried a satchel in his hand. He tried to force a smile, but she took him in her arms and held him, and he clung to her. When they finally released each other, she said simply, “The top drawer is empty.” He nodded and went into the bedroom. She sat on the bed as he placed his clothing in the drawer. He set his brushes and shaving equipment by the washstand. Then, he took out a framed picture.<\/p>\n

“This was my mother,” he said, handing it to her.<\/p>\n

“She was very beautiful,” said Julia truthfully.<\/p>\n

“Is it all right if I put it on the bureau?”<\/p>\n

She was oddly touched by the question. The night before, he\u2019d been so confident of his place here, his assumption almost brazen. “Go ahead,” she said. He set the picture next to Julia\u2019s jewelry box and slid the satchel under the bed. Then, he sat down on the end of the bed, and she slid over next to him.<\/p>\n

“What did your father say?” she asked at last.<\/p>\n

“Nothing,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“Nothing?”<\/p>\n

“He said the time for talk was over.” He looked away, but not before she saw the tears welling up in his eyes.<\/p>\n

She rested her hand on his leg. “What else did he say?”<\/p>\n

“Nothing,” said Joe. “I tried to explain, and he just looked at me like I was talking Greek. So, I went upstairs and got my things, and when I left, none of them said anything\u2014not Pa, or Adam or Hoss. It was like I wasn\u2019t even there.”<\/p>\n

“Oh, Joe, I\u2019m so sorry.” She knew that Ben Cartwright was a proud man, and his son had openly defied him, but even she had never imagined that he would respond so. She wondered if perhaps this was his way of making sure that he didn\u2019t say anything in his pain and anger that Joe would deem unforgivable. She could easily picture Joe\u2019s brothers cautioning their irate father to hold his tongue, assuring him that discretion was the best way to ensure that the whole thing would blow over quickly and that the boy would be home soon. She wished that they had seen that their silence, however well-meant, had hurt Joe deeply.<\/p>\n

She rubbed his back, resting her cheek against his shoulder. “He\u2019ll get over it, darling,” she said. “He\u2019s your father, and he loves you. Right now, he\u2019s just upset. You\u2019ll see. He\u2019ll come around.” Joe swiped at his eyes before he turned to her, and she kissed him tenderly. “You\u2019ll see,” she repeated. “It\u2019ll be all right.” She increased the intensity of the kiss until she sensed that she had distracted Joe from his immediate concerns. She straddled his lap as she began to unbutton his shirt, grateful that boys Joe\u2019s age were so\u2014distractible.<\/p>\n

But as the days passed, distraction was harder to come by. Joe continued to work at the Ponderosa during the day, but he reported that he saw little of his father. It sounded to Julia as if Ben was deliberately setting the boy tasks that would keep the two as far apart as possible. When they did see each other, conversation was terse, restricted to the work at hand. Joe\u2019s brothers were clearly on their father\u2019s side, although Julia suspected that they were more sympathetic to their younger brother than they were letting on.<\/p>\n

With each passing day, Joe looked more and more beaten down. He\u2019d come into the Palace in the evening and sit down with a bottle of whiskey, and he didn\u2019t get up again until it was time to go upstairs. Unless she specifically arranged for supper, he didn\u2019t bother eating. When she touched him, his smile was genuine and his response sincere, but it took more and more effort to reach the closeness they\u2019d once had. For the first time, they had nights when they shared a bed without making love.<\/p>\n

Nearly two weeks after he had moved in, Julia came downstairs to find Joe already ensconced at a corner table, whiskey in hand. Deliberately, she approached his table. “I think we should go out,” she said.<\/p>\n

Joe regarded her. His gaze was disconcertingly cynical. “Really?” he said. “Where do you want to go?”<\/p>\n

“Anywhere,” she said truthfully. “I\u2019d just like to get out of here for a few hours.”<\/p>\n

Joe tossed back another shot. “Okay,” he said finally. “Let\u2019s go.”<\/p>\n

“Maybe you should clean up first,” she suggested. Joe had settled himself in without even washing up after the day\u2019s work.<\/p>\n

“You want to go out, or you want to go upstairs?” He raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n

“I want to go out,” she said. “But if I\u2019m to smell cattle over dinner, I\u2019d like it to be the steak on my plate.”<\/p>\n

“Whatever you say, my lady,” Joe said, doffing his hat and making a low, slightly drunken bow. As soon as he was upstairs, she took the bottle and glass over to the bar.<\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t give him any more,” she said to Tom in a low voice. At the unspoken question, she said, “You can tell him I said so.” No reason for Tom to take the grief for her decision.<\/p>\n

Getting out seemed to be a good idea at first. It was a lovely, mild evening, and they walked along the board sidewalk in companionable silence. They encountered few people, and those they met were polite enough. Hopefully, they could have a pleasant evening, with no untoward incidents.<\/p>\n

Then, as they went around a corner, they stopped abruptly to avoid running smack into Ben, Adam and Hoss.<\/p>\n

The five of them stood in silence. Then, Adam tipped his hat. “Evening, Miss Bulette, Joe,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Evening,” Hoss echoed, doing likewise.<\/p>\n

“Evening, Pa,” said Joe. Ben looked from Joe to Julia and said nothing. The agony in his eyes was evident. It occurred to Julia that she\u2019d never before seen Ben Cartwright look helpless.<\/p>\n

“Good evening, gentlemen,” said Julia. She waited for Joe to say something more, but he seemed to be frozen by his father\u2019s silence. After a too-long minute, she said, “Well, if you\u2019ll excuse us.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Adam, and the Cartwright men stepped aside to let them by.<\/p>\n

Julia and Joe walked along as if nothing had happened until she was comfortable that they were out of sight. Then, she stopped, and Joe looked at her quizzically.<\/p>\n

“Are you all right?” she asked quietly.<\/p>\n

“Sure,” said Joe. “Why wouldn\u2019t I be all right? My own father won\u2019t speak to me, but why should that worry me?”<\/p>\n

“Joe, I\u2014”<\/p>\n

“Julia, I don\u2019t want to talk about it,” said Joe. “Let\u2019s just go over to the International House and get something to eat.”<\/p>\n

Julia regarded him for a long moment. He appeared to be teetering on the edge between brittle anger and tears. Maybe he was right. He\u2019d had enough whiskey; maybe what he needed now was food. “All right,” she said. “Let\u2019s go.” And she laid her hand on his arm, and they walked up the street together, neither saying anything more.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

She couldn\u2019t have said what woke her. Reflexively, she reached for Joe. When she felt nothing, she opened her eyes and sat up.<\/p>\n

His side of the bed was empty.<\/p>\n

Just as she was assuring herself that he\u2019d merely gotten up to attend to his personal needs, she heard a sound in the parlor. She listened, but she couldn\u2019t identify it. Silently, she donned her dressing gown and opened the bedroom door. As she padded to the parlor, she began to recognize the sound, and a chill came over her.<\/p>\n

He sat in the armchair in the far corner, by the window. In the moonlight, she could see the glint of the decanter. His glass sat on the sill. His shoulders shook. His head rested in his hands as he tried to choke back his sobs. Over and over, he whispered one word.<\/p>\n

Pa.<\/em><\/p>\n

She stood motionless in the doorway.\u00a0Dear God, he really is just a boy<\/em>, she realized, her own tears threatening.<\/em>\u00a0All this time, he\u2019d insisted he was fine, that he could handle this rift in his tight-knit family, that everything would be all right because they belonged together. And because she didn\u2019t want to lose him, she\u2019d allowed herself to be convinced.<\/p>\n

Blind. She\u2019d been selfish, and so blind.<\/p>\n

She watched from the shadows as he poured more brandy into his glass. At least now, she knew why they always seemed to be running low lately. She wondered how long she\u2019d been sleeping through his nocturnal agonies.<\/p>\n

She waited until his sobbing quieted. Only then did she turn and move silently back into the bedroom, slipping into bed and closing her eyes. Eventually, she heard him return, and she felt him lie down beside her. He didn\u2019t reach for her, as he normally would have. After a minute, she pretended to waken. With mock sleepiness, she shifted, drawing him into her arms, and he clung to her like an abandoned child. She kissed his hair as she stroked his back, and eventually, she felt him relax into sleep.<\/p>\n

Tomorrow,<\/em>\u00a0she promised silently.\u00a0Tomorrow, I\u2019ll see to it that you go home, where you belong.<\/em><\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

She leaned against the piano, brandy in hand, listening to Frederick play. She\u2019d been doing the same thing every night for the past week. Ever since Little Joe had walked out of the Palace, it was as if someone had dimmed the lights. People told jokes and laughed and tried to get her to join in, but she shook them off. She knew she couldn\u2019t keep this up. It was bad for business.<\/p>\n

Who\u2019d have thought that an eighteen-year-old boy could get to her this way? It wasn\u2019t just the sex, either. It was the other parts of being together, too. He told the worst jokes she\u2019d ever heard, and still he made her laugh. He paid rapt attention when she talked, as if her words were important. Waking up next to him was delicious\u2014warm and sweet and unexpectedly lovely. She always tried to wake up first so that she could watch him: as soon as he opened his eyes and saw her, a smile would spread across his sleepy face, as if someone had just given him the best present in the world. When he looked into her eyes with that marvelous intensity, she felt special, beautiful, good.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d never told him about her past, of course, but she almost felt that she could have, and he\u2019d have listened and not run away.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d made her happy\u2014an eighteen-year-old kid. If that didn\u2019t beat all.<\/p>\n

Thank God she\u2019d never told him she loved him.<\/p>\n

“Miss Bulette?”<\/p>\n

She hadn\u2019t heard that voice in weeks, but she knew it. Deliberately, she turned to face Adam Cartwright. “Yes, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?”<\/p>\n

“May I speak with you?” It wasn\u2019t quite a question, but she nodded and led him to a table in the corner.<\/p>\n

“More brandy, Tom,” she called. They sat silently until Tom had brought a bottle and fresh glasses. She poured and passed a glass over to him. “What shall we drink to?”<\/p>\n

“The death of innocence,” said Adam, raising his glass.<\/p>\n

She shook her head ruefully. “First, you wanted me out of his life, and now I\u2019m to be taken to task because we\u2019re no longer together. You\u2019re not an easy man to please, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.”<\/p>\n

“It wasn\u2019t my impression that pleasing me was of any interest to you,” said Adam.<\/p>\n

“It isn\u2019t,” she said. “Now, do we need to continue this conversation, or may I bid you good evening?”<\/p>\n

“You can do whatever you want,” said Adam. “Just answer me one question: why?”<\/p>\n

“Why did I end it?”<\/p>\n

“Why did you have to end it that way?”<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.” She set down the glass so that hopefully, he wouldn\u2019t see her hands shaking.<\/p>\n

“Do you have any idea what you did to him?” On the surface, Adam Cartwright was icily controlled, but Julia could see blazing fury beneath the surface. “When he walked into the house that night, he couldn\u2019t even tell us what had happened. All we knew was that the kid was devastated. We thought somebody must be dead. Then, he started crying like I\u2019ve never heard him\u2014and all he kept saying, over and over, was \u2018Why?\u2019”<\/p>\n

Julia forced herself to keep looking at him, just as if his story meant nothing. Years of holding her emotions in check stood her in good stead now, as her mind\u2019s eye saw Joe shattered, cradled in his father\u2019s arms as he sobbed out the heartbreak she\u2019d inflicted. Deliberately, she refilled her glass and drank deeply.<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s just a kid,” continued Adam. “We all told you that, but you wouldn\u2019t listen. He\u2019s a kid, he was in love, and you broke his heart. And I want to know why. If you got tired of him, fine, but you didn\u2019t need to be cruel. He didn\u2019t do anything to deserve that kind of treatment.”<\/p>\n

“How do you know what he did or didn\u2019t do?” Her voice was so tightly controlled.<\/p>\n

“Because I know my little brother,” said Adam. “My father and Hoss and I have spent the past week trying to put him back together. The kid\u2019s a wreck. He doesn\u2019t eat, he doesn\u2019t sleep, he doesn\u2019t talk to anybody. He barely does his work, and at night he just sits there, staring into the fire.”<\/p>\n

A shiver ran down her spine. The boy he was describing\u2014this wasn\u2019t her Joe. His chatter over breakfast, his laughter at supper, his passion at night, his energy and sweetness and\u00a0joie de vivre<\/em>\u2014that was Joe.\u00a0I tried to do what was best for him,<\/em>\u00a0she wanted to say. She\u2019d expected him to be upset, of course, but somehow, she\u2019d thought his grieving would be suffused with anger, with life. She\u2019d anticipated stories of how Little Joe Cartwright was tearing up the town, drinking and fighting and raising all sorts of hell. Not this\u2014death. As if his spirit had been uprooted and tossed over with the other weeds to wither away. Part of her wondered if she\u2019d miscalculated, but she pushed the notion away. In her world, it didn\u2019t pay to second-guess.<\/p>\n

“What is it that you want from me, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?” she asked.<\/p>\n

“An explanation, Miss Bulette,” said Adam. “My father seems to think that you wouldn\u2019t have done something like this without a reason. Me, I don\u2019t really care about your reasons. I just think it might help Joe a little if I could explain to him why the woman he loves just decided one day to rip his heart out.”<\/p>\n

She focused intently on her glass.\u00a0No good deed goes unpunished,<\/em>\u00a0she thought. All she\u2019d wanted to do was to send him home. If there\u2019d been another way to do it, she\u2019d have taken it, but she knew him too well. He would never have left her willingly. She had to shove him out the door.<\/p>\n

Every detail of that night was burned in her brain like a brand. The low-cut red dress she wore, the extra rouge, the feather in her hair, the large diamond earrings. Joe had looked puzzled, but he hadn\u2019t said anything. She\u2019d suggested that he go somewhere else, even though she knew he wouldn\u2019t. When she got downstairs, she did her best to whip the place into a frenzy, laughing and flirting and dancing with every man she could find.<\/em><\/p>\n

Every man except one.<\/em><\/p>\n

She\u2019d felt his eyes boring into her as she moved through the room like the hostess at a brothel. His stare grew more intense when she didn\u2019t discourage the men who touched her. Ordinarily, when they tried to kiss her, she laughed and moved away; tonight, she laughed and moved closer.<\/em><\/p>\n

Finally, he grabbed her arm. “What are you doing?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Having fun!” she trilled, as if life were one big party. She slipped out of his grasp and moved toward the next table, but he grabbed her arm again.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I want you to stop it,” he said.<\/em><\/p>\n

She made a mock pout. “You want me to stop having fun? You\u2019re so mean!” She tried to pull her arm away, but he wouldn\u2019t release her. “Let me go,” she said in a low voice that would brook no interference.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Why are you doing this?” he demanded.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Doing what?” she challenged.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Behaving like a\u2014” He broke off, and she felt a stab of pain in her triumph.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Like a what, Joe? Say it. Like a whore? Is that what you meant? I\u2019m a whore? Go ahead, say it. Julia Bulette is nothing but a dirty whore, and she\u2019s not good enough for a Cartwright!” Her glare pierced through him as she forced the words out.<\/em><\/p>\n

“No, Julia, no, that\u2019s not\u2014I would never\u2014I don\u2019t think\u2014” Panic squeezed his voice. “Julia, please, let\u2019s go back upstairs. We can talk about this. Julia, I didn\u2019t mean\u2014that isn\u2019t what I meant\u2014I would never, ever think\u2014I love you, Julia.” He broke off, trembling.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Let go of me.” It took everything she had to sound angry. He was on the verge of tears. For a moment, all she could see was how he\u2019d looked the night before, weeping in the dark for his lost family. The memory gave her the push she needed. “Now, go upstairs and get your things. I want you out of there tonight.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“No, Julia, please,” said Joe. He was trying to maintain his dignity, but his voice was shaking, and the tears were welling up. “Please, let\u2019s talk about this. I would never say\u2014I would never think\u2014”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Get your things,” she said. “Or leave them. I don\u2019t care. Either way, I want you out of here tonight.”<\/em><\/p>\n

The room had gone silent. She summoned up the energy to glare at him. A roomful of men watched Little Joe Cartwright standing there, fighting back tears as she pointed to the door. He swallowed hard, straightened as much as he could, and walked out the batwing doors into the night.<\/em><\/p>\n

As the doors swung behind him, she turned to the bar. Without being asked, Tom handed her a brandy. Then, he shouted, “Let\u2019s have some music!” Frederick started the loudest, bounciest tune he knew, and the men went back to their fun as Julia gripped her glass and tried to remind herself that she had, after all, done what was best for Joe and that one day, he\u2019d thank her for it.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A week later, the agony was as fresh as if he\u2019d left only moments ago. It was enough that she had to live with herself. She shouldn\u2019t have to give an account to Joe\u2019s brother. “There\u2019s nothing I could say that you\u2019re going to find acceptable, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Try me,” said Adam.<\/p>\n

She was almost tempted. Almost. The truth was that it would have been nice for once, not to be thought of as that terrible, horrible, scarlet woman. But if she told Adam what she\u2019d been doing, he might not keep it from Joe, and the whole fiasco would start again.<\/p>\n

“There\u2019s nothing I can tell you,” she said finally. “What\u2019s done is done. Now, you can all move on and hope that this dark chapter of his life stays well buried.” She rose. “Good night, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.” She started to walk away, but Adam caught her arm as he stood.<\/p>\n

“Not so fast, Miss Bulette,” he said. “I came here for an answer to my question.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m afraid I can\u2019t give you one,” said Julia, raising her chin defiantly.<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t believe you,” said Adam. “I don\u2019t believe that my little brother would fall in love with somebody this cold. Maybe if you\u2019d heard that kid crying his heart out\u2014”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ve heard him,” she snapped. “Why do you think\u2014” She broke off. Involuntarily, her hand went to her mouth. She could feel Adam\u2019s eyes, questioning, probing. She didn\u2019t dare look up. The silence between them stretched out. Finally, when she was confident that her voice was under control, she said, “If you\u2019ll excuse me, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.” She slid her arm from Adam\u2019s grasp and headed for the stairs.<\/p>\n

“Miss Bulette.”<\/p>\n

She paused partway up the stairs. He was at the bottom. “Yes?”<\/p>\n

His expression was sad and oddly gentle. “There were other ways.”<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s home, isn\u2019t he?” At Adam\u2019s nod, she said, “Good night, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.” She watched as he touched the brim of his hat and headed out the doors. Slowly, she headed up the stairs. She\u2019d never felt so tired in her life.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

“Nate, the floor needs to be done again.” One of the biggest annoyances about winter, in Julia\u2019s opinion, was the amount of dirty snow that men tracked into her Palace. She knew that Bruno over at the Silver Dollar and Fred at the Bucket of Blood weren\u2019t nearly so concerned about such things, but she prided herself on the notion that Julia\u2019s Palace was a cut above the rest.<\/p>\n

Not that there was much business today. Christmas Eve wasn\u2019t a time when most men sought out the entertainment of her establishment. The day after Christmas, business would be booming, but today and tomorrow, men would all be at home with their families.<\/p>\n

Men at home with their families.<\/em>\u00a0It was strange how stray thoughts could still remind her of Little Joe. He was at home with his family now, thanks to her. She\u2019d barely seen him in town throughout the autumn. Word was that the Cartwrights had been busy with driving cattle to market and other such chores. She didn\u2019t ask, but people occasionally mentioned these things in her presence.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d only seen Joe around town a few times. The first time was only a few weeks after she\u2019d thrown him out. She was walking along the sidewalk when she came face to face with the entire Cartwright family. Joe had been smiling, but his face froze when he saw her, and his steps slowed. His father and brothers moved closer around him, almost as if they thought he needed to be physically supported, or protected. Barely-cordial greetings were exchanged among the others, although Joe didn\u2019t speak when she wished him a good afternoon. He opened his mouth, but no words came out, and so he merely touched the brim of his hat. Once past, she looked back to see that Ben had his arm around the young man\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n

Another time, she was up in the parlor, looking down at the street, when she saw Adam and Joe approaching the Palace. For a moment, she thought that they were going to enter its doors, and her heart began to pound. Then, Adam clapped Joe on the shoulder and guided him across the street, to the Silver Dollar.<\/p>\n

That was the way it went in a place like Virginia City: you had to figure out how to co-exist with people you might rather not see, because you were going to see them. She hadn\u2019t spoken to any of the Cartwrights, other than the most casual of passing greetings, since the day after Adam had come to see her. That day, Ben had appeared at her door.<\/p>\n

“Julia,” he said, with no trace of warmth.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Ben,” she responded. “What can I do for you?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I\u2019ve come for Joe\u2019s things,” he said, stepping into her parlor.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Of course,” she said. She handed him the satchel that Joe had carried in only a few weeks earlier. “I believe this is everything.” She knew it for a fact, because she\u2019d gone all over her rooms, checking. She\u2019d folded his clothes more precisely than she would have her own, luxuriating one last time in his scent. His brushes and shaving equipment were carefully packed. His mother\u2019s picture, which had sat on her bureau for weeks, rested on top of the stack of his belongings. Julia had looked one long last time at the picture before closing it in the satchel, wondering if this woman would have despised her for what she\u2019d done, or whether she might just have understood.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Thank you.” He took the satchel, but he didn\u2019t turn to leave.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Would you like a brandy?” she offered.<\/em><\/p>\n

“No, thank you,” he said. She poured one for herself and waited. Little Joe\u2019s father clearly had something to say to her. “I just don\u2019t understand,” he said finally. “I don\u2019t understand how you could do a thing like this.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Say good-bye, you mean?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Is that what you call it?” His laugh was harsh, almost bitter. “Do you have any idea what you\u2019ve done to my boy?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Yes, I do.” The last thing she wanted was the retelling. Adam\u2019s description had kept her up most of the night.<\/em><\/p>\n

“And yet, you have nothing to say.” He sounded almost incredulous at her temerity.<\/em><\/p>\n

“It\u2019s all been said,” she replied. “Your son is better off without me, as you\u2019ve undoubtedly been telling him since the moment we met. Maybe now, he\u2019ll believe you.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“What are you saying?” Ben peered at her suspiciously.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I\u2019m not saying anything you haven\u2019t said a hundred times,” she said. “You told me once that you wouldn\u2019t gamble with your son. Well, congratulations, Ben. Somehow, you won anyway.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Julia, what are you saying?” Ben grabbed her arm. “What did you do?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“You know perfectly well what I did,” she snapped, jerking her arm away from him. “And don\u2019t even try to pretend that you\u2019re not glad. You\u2019ve got everything now\u2014Little Joe\u2019s gone back to you all, and you don\u2019t have to worry about him coming back to me ever again. I gave you exactly what you wanted, Ben Cartwright\u2014I\u2019m surprised you haven\u2019t written me a bloody thank-you note!”<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben stared at her for what seemed like forever before he spoke. “Just tell me one thing, Julia,” he said slowly. His deep brown eyes pinned her to the spot. “Do you love Joseph?”<\/em><\/p>\n

She felt as if he\u2019d punched her in the stomach. Of course not, she wanted to say, but somehow, the words wouldn\u2019t come out. Don\u2019t be ridiculous. Me, in love with a boy? Absurd. Finally, she said, “Get out of my home, Ben. Out of my home, and out of my saloon. If you or any member of your family ever sets foot in my Palace again, I\u2019ll have you jailed for trespassing.” She opened the door and stood by it.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Julia\u2014”<\/em><\/p>\n

“There\u2019s nothing more to say, Ben,” she said coldly. “I suggest that you try to be gracious in your victory.” He stepped past her, into the hall, and turned back.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Julia\u2014” he began again, but the words failed him.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Good-bye, Ben,” she said, closing the door firmly behind him.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By six o\u2019clock, she\u2019d let Frederick and Tom go home. “All right, boys, that\u2019s it for tonight,” she announced to the stragglers. She knew that they were only there because they had no place else to go, and another time, she might have let them stay, precisely because she knew how that felt. Tonight, though, she wanted to go upstairs, put on her dressing gown and pour a brandy. She had absolutely no plans for Christmas Day, and she needed to prepare herself for this.<\/p>\n

When she heard the door close behind the last of the customers, she stopped wiping down the bar. It occurred to her that, if she were one of the respectable folks, she would be getting ready for the Christmas Eve service. Just as she found herself wondering what it would be like to go, she heard him.<\/p>\n

“Merry Christmas, Julia.”<\/p>\n

She whirled about, much faster than she\u2019d have done if she\u2019d been prepared. “You startled me,” she said. “I thought everyone was gone.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m sorry,” Little Joe said. His hat and jacket were dusted with fresh snow. He looked down apologetically at the melting snow he\u2019d tracked in. “I\u2019ve made sort of a mess here. I\u2019m sorry.”<\/p>\n

“It\u2019ll dry.” In another time, another lifetime, she would have offered him a seat and a drink. Now, they stood, regarding each other cautiously.<\/p>\n

It had only been a few months. Not long enough for a boy to change into a man, not by any stretch. Even so, something in his countenance was different. The carefree boyishness was gone, replaced by a certain wariness. The eyes that had sparkled and danced were darker, more serious now. The smile that used to light up her world was subdued and held more than a touch of sadness.<\/p>\n

“Would you like a brandy?” she asked finally.<\/p>\n

He shook his head. “I\u2019ve got to meet my family at church,” he said. “I just wanted to stop by and give you this.” He reached into his pocket and withdrew a small box. “Merry Christmas, Julia.”<\/p>\n

Her hand was at her throat. “I don\u2019t have anything for you,” she said.<\/p>\n

He smiled his new, sadder smile. “You don\u2019t have to,” he said. “I had this\u2014I\u2019d gotten it for your birthday, but\u2014well\u2014I missed your birthday, and I wanted to you to have it.”<\/p>\n

I missed your birthday.<\/em>\u00a0Her birthday had been three weeks to the day after that fateful night. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Then, she opened her eyes to see him looking at her kindly. “Please, take it,” he said, handing the box to her.<\/p>\n

She opened it and caught her breath. “Oh, Joe, they\u2019re beautiful,” she said. Nestled in the box was a pair of delicate earrings, small emeralds set in gold.<\/p>\n

“You really like them?” Suddenly, he looked again like the uncertain boy she\u2019d known.<\/p>\n

“I love\u2014them,” she said. “They\u2019re absolutely lovely.” She took the earrings from the box and held them up. “Thank you, Joe. They\u2019re just beautiful.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m glad you like them,” he said. “I was afraid they were\u2014well, kind of small\u2014but they were all I could afford. I couldn\u2019t give you diamonds, but I thought maybe you might like a change anyway.”<\/p>\n

His words pierced her heart. Another memory surfaced.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d walked into the bedroom to see that he had spread her jewelry on the bureau. Diamonds, mostly\u2014necklaces and rings, earrings and bracelets. A teardrop ruby pendant, rimmed with diamonds. A bracelet of sapphires and diamonds. A pearl choker with a diamond clasp. Thousands of dollars\u2019 worth of jewels, given to her over the years by men who believed that the giving of expensive gifts entitled them to her favors. Men whose names she barely remembered after they had left her bed.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe looked up when she came in. His eyes were unusually somber. He said simply, “I could never afford to give you anything like this.”<\/em><\/p>\n

She regarded the pieces. “None of it means anything,” she shrugged.<\/em><\/p>\n

“They\u2019re valuable pieces,” he said, fingering a gold ring set with a rectangular diamond.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Not to me,” she said honestly. “They\u2019re just baubles. Or something to sell, if money runs short.”<\/em><\/p>\n

He picked up a gold chain from which hung a large oval sapphire. A large family could eat for a year simply by selling such a piece. “I just wish I could give you something half as nice as this,” he said.<\/em><\/p>\n

She brushed his hair back and took him in her arms. “You never have to give me anything more than you\u2019ve already done,” she said, and she didn\u2019t mean flowers, or dinners, or even passionate lovemaking.<\/em><\/p>\n

“But that\u2019s not anything at all,” he\u2019d protested.<\/em><\/p>\n

Julia had held his face in her hands. “You have no idea,” she said. For a moment, she let him see her eyes. Then, before he could understand everything, she pulled him close for a tender kiss that culminated in an afternoon in bed.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, she removed the large gold earrings she\u2019d been wearing, laying them on the bar. She donned the emeralds and turned to Joe. “How do they look?”<\/p>\n

For a moment, his eyes glistened. Then, with a deep breath, he regained control. “Beautiful,” he said. He nodded toward the mirror behind the bar. “Go look for yourself.” She bustled over to the mirror and smiled at her reflection. The earrings were definitely smaller than what she was accustomed to wearing, but there was no question that they were exquisite.<\/p>\n

“Thank you, Joe,” she said. Impulsively, she kissed him on the cheek, and he froze. “I\u2019m sorry,” she said, the easiness of a moment earlier vanishing like so much mist. “I didn\u2019t mean to presume.”<\/p>\n

He forced a smile. “Well, I should be going,” he said. “Pa\u2019s going to wonder where I am.” He hesitated before asking, “Would you like to join us? It\u2019s just the Christmas Eve service.”<\/p>\n

She shook her head. “No, thank you,” she said. “I\u2019m not a churchgoing sort.”<\/p>\n

“You don\u2019t have to be,” he said. “It\u2019s Christmas Eve. There are a lot of folks who only come at Christmas and Easter.”<\/p>\n

“Even so, I don\u2019t think so,” she said. “But thank you, just the same.”<\/p>\n

He nodded as if he hadn\u2019t actually expected any other answer. “What about\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019re doing anything tomorrow, but if you\u2019re not\u2014we\u2019re having a whole bunch of people out to the Ponderosa. You\u2019re more than welcome\u2014that is, if you don\u2019t already have other plans.” He did such a good job of controlling his hopefulness that someone who didn\u2019t know him the way she did would have thought it a casual invitation.<\/p>\n

“Actually, I already have plans,” she lied. “Dinner with friends. But thank you. I do appreciate the invitation.”<\/p>\n

“Well, if you change your mind, we\u2019ll be there,” Joe said with studied casualness. She felt a pang at how well he covered his disappointment. The boy she\u2019d known just a few months earlier could never have done such a fine job of hiding his feelings. In a way, it was sad. Joe\u2019s transparency was one of the things she\u2019d loved about him.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll keep that in mind,” she said lightly.<\/p>\n

They regarded each other for a long moment. Then, he said, “I should be going.” His expression was not quite guarded enough. “Merry Christmas, Julia,” he said for the third time since he\u2019d entered her Palace. He leaned in to kiss her cheek, but she was lifting her head, and their lips collided. For a moment, the fiery passion of several months ago hovered, but they pulled apart. She looked up, and his eyes no longer concealed anything. “Julia,” he whispered.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m sorry, Joe,” she whispered back. His face fell, and she reached up, laying a hand on his cheek and not correcting his misunderstanding.<\/p>\n

But I love you.<\/em>\u00a0The words were as plain as if he\u2019d spoken them aloud. More than anything, she wanted to take him upstairs and show him that she still loved him, too, even if she\u2019d never said the words aloud.<\/p>\n

“You\u2019re going to be late for church,” she said instead. “The earrings are just lovely. Merry Christmas, Joe.” She held his face and this time, she kissed his cheek.<\/p>\n

“You take care of yourself,” he said. He pulled down his hat and headed for the door.<\/p>\n

“Joe.”<\/p>\n

He turned back eagerly. Naked hope shone in his eyes. Her heart ached. So many things she wanted him to hear, and yet to say any of them would be to undo the one unselfish act of her life. And so, she said merely, “Wish your family a merry Christmas for me.”<\/p>\n

“I will,” said Joe quietly. He touched the brim of his hat, opened the door, and stepped out into the swirling snow as she watched, the little emeralds twinkling on her ears.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Snows melted, leaves unfurled, winter cloaks were tucked away. Business remained brisk at Julia\u2019s Palace. Julia oversaw matters from the square table in the corner, beside the bar. It was her table, and men sat there only at her invitation.<\/p>\n

No other types of invitations were extended, not any more. There hadn\u2019t been a man in her bed since Little Joe. There was no point. She had enough income from the saloon to make such encounters unnecessary anyway. Occasionally, a passing stranger would look at her with the question in his eyes, and it was clear that it was not business, but she subtly discouraged such notions. In the solitude of her bedroom, she reflected on the irony that the infamous Julia Bulette had likely become one of the most chaste women in town.<\/p>\n

She still saw Little Joe around town occasionally. When they encountered each other on the street, he would touch the brim of his hat, and they exchanged greetings, but neither stopped to talk. Occasionally, she saw him with a young lady on his arm, but it was never the same one twice, and Julia felt a combination of comfort and guilt to see that he never looked at them the way he\u2019d looked at her. His eyes were too guarded now, even when his laugh and his beautiful crooked grin would have convinced most people that he was having a fine, fine time.<\/p>\n

And then, Jean Millain returned.<\/p>\n

She was sitting at her table, with a brandy, when he walked in. There was a time when she\u2019d thought him attractive. Perhaps he had been; perhaps he still was, in other women\u2019s eyes. But from Julia\u2019s table, he looked thick and disheveled. His vest was missing a button, and his belly strained against the buttonholes. His cheeks were permanently reddened by drink. His hair needed to be combed. His teeth were yellowed, and his laugh was coarse. His hands were rougher than one would expect from a man who did no work, and they had always been clumsy on her body. She remembered his lovemaking\u2014unimaginative and unrefined, but quite adequate nonetheless.<\/p>\n

Or so she\u2019d once thought.<\/p>\n

She pushed the memory from her mind as Jean approached. “Ah, Julie, it has been too long,” he said, dropping down into the chair across from hers. She saw Tom\u2019s brow wrinkle at his presumption, but she nodded that it was all right.<\/p>\n

“Or not long enough,” she said coolly.<\/p>\n

He laughed as though she were joking. “You thought I would never come back,” he said. “You and your little boy.” He looked around the room. “Where is he? I should like to have seen him again.”<\/p>\n

“He\u2019s not here,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Such a pity,” said Jean, helping himself to her glass. “Quite the\u00a0scandale<\/em>, eh, Julie? Taking up with one so young. But he was a pretty one, eh? And I imagine he did\u2014whatever you wanted.” His insolence was as broad as his smile.<\/p>\n

“What do you want, Jean?”<\/p>\n

“Oh, Julie, there\u2019s no cause to be rude.” Millain leaned back in his chair, stretching out his legs. “Can I not come to see my beloved Julie, simply for the pleasure of her company?”<\/p>\n

“What do you want, Jean?”<\/p>\n

“Nothing you cannot spare,\u00a0cheri<\/em>. A few dollars, perhaps a bauble or two. A few hours of your time.”<\/p>\n

She rose. “Get out.”<\/p>\n

Millain raised an eyebrow. “You misunderstand, my dear Julie. I do not suggest business, but pleasure. Pleasure, for both of us.”<\/p>\n

Her eyes were riveted on the man before her. “Get out,” she said through clenched teeth.<\/p>\n

Millain got to his feet. His eyes probed hers. “We are alike, you and I. We do not change. You do not tell me \u2018no.\u2019” He reached for her.<\/p>\n

In the split second before his hand would have touched her, he was yanked back, and a fist landed squarely in his face, knocking him off balance. In the next instant, she saw Joe pummeling Millain for all he was worth. Millain recovered, and the fight began in earnest. Customers scattered as the two punched and grunted, sailing over tables and crashing into the bar. Julia pressed herself against the wall, watching, hardly daring to hope.<\/p>\n

Finally, one of the men staggered to his feet. The other lay limp on the floor. The first nudged the inert form with his foot, and then he approached Julia, wiping his hand with the back of his mouth.<\/p>\n

“Sorry to have messed up your place,” Joe said. “I\u2019ll pay for the damages.”<\/p>\n

“There\u2019s no need,” she said. Blood tricked down the side of his face. Already, his cheekbone was starting to turn purple. Without thinking, she reached up to touch the tender area. “That\u2019s a nasty cut,” she said. “Come upstairs, and let me clean it up.”<\/p>\n

“That\u2019s not necessary, I\u2019m fine,” he said.<\/p>\n

“I insist,” she said. Millain was starting to stir. She nodded to Tom, and he and one of the customers hauled Millain up, dumping him in a chair. To Joe, she said, “Come with me.”<\/p>\n

Silently, he shook his head. The pain in his eyes had nothing to do with any blows inflicted by Millain. He started to turn, and then he looked again at the table, and she knew by his pause that he recognized it.<\/p>\n

All of the other tables in the room were round; this was the only square one. This was the one he\u2019d bent her over to take her from behind, the night they\u2019d tiptoed down to the Palace after closing. Even though it was her own saloon, there was such a sense of the forbidden about it all that they couldn\u2019t stop giggling as he lifted her onto the bar and hoisted himself up. The truth was that it was an extremely hard bar, and neither of them was particularly comfortable, but the idea was so titillating that they saw it through anyway. Then, she pleasured him at the poker table nearest the bar\u2014the one where he always said that he felt especially lucky\u2014and he laid her on the table itself to return the favor. And then, there was the square table, after which they gathered their clothing and crept up the stairs, sated and still giggling, and they fell into bed as the dark began to lighten into gray.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Joe\u2014”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m fine.” He glanced over toward Millain. “If he gives you any more trouble, let me know.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you,” she said simply. She wanted to ask why he\u2019d even been here in the first place, but she couldn\u2019t. It was too late to go back, and it wasn\u2019t fair to him for her to try. She watched him pick up his hat and walk out. Then, she returned to her table and resumed keeping an eye on her saloon.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Julia pushed her hair back from her damp brow with her sleeve. She took just a moment to close her eyes and lean against the wall.<\/p>\n

“You all right?”<\/p>\n

“Fine,” she said, straightening. She smiled tiredly, and Joe did the same as he carried pails of water past her, into the infirmary formerly known as Julia\u2019s Palace.<\/p>\n

The fever had been raging through the mines for days. Doc Martin needed space for the sick men. Without thinking, Julia offered her Palace. The gambling tables made perfect beds, and the truth was that all the miners knew where the Palace was. So, within hours, beds were made up, and feverish men were brought in as Julia coordinated meals, fresh linens, and countless other details in between sitting by their sides, sponging their hot faces and, when necessary, closing their eyes.<\/p>\n

It came as no surprise that, when Doc solicited help, the Cartwrights were among the first to step up. It had been weeks since Joe\u2019s fight with Millain, and she hadn\u2019t seen him again, but as soon as the need arose, there he was, carrying sick miners in and dead ones out, bringing fresh water in and pails of waste and retch out. Hoss was hauling barrels of water in from the Ponderosa, and Ben and Adam were down at the mines, keeping tabs on the spread of the disease and recruiting additional helpers.<\/p>\n

She hadn\u2019t expected Joe to end up as the one staying in town. Under other circumstances, they might have been uncomfortable, but there simply wasn\u2019t time to be awkward together. And so, Julia and Joe worked together with the doctor, needing surprisingly few words to know what each other required to get the job done. She would reach for water in which to dip a cloth just as he was pouring fresh water into the bowl. From his glance, she knew when another sick man needed her attention. As the days and nights blurred together, they functioned as a team to care for the miners.<\/p>\n

Four days into the siege, unexpected rain began to fall. Joe and another man came in, dripping, carrying yet another miner. Without a word, Julia set up fresh linens on a poker table. They laid the miner down, and Julia covered him. The other man left, and Julia glanced at Joe with a frown. “Are you all right?” she asked quietly. He looked exhausted. He hadn\u2019t even shaved in days.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m fine,” he said, wiping the rain from his face with his wet sleeve.<\/p>\n

“You should put on dry clothes. You\u2019re going to catch your death of cold,” she said, even as she rested a hand on the miner\u2019s face to assess his condition.<\/p>\n

“No point,” said Joe. “I\u2019ve just got to go back out anyway.” He nodded to her and began to make the rounds, collecting buckets to be emptied. She watched him for a moment, and then she turned back to the sick man before her.<\/p>\n

Part of her role, as she saw it, was to try to cheer the men along. To this end, she teased and flirted and cajoled them into taking medicine. She even sang to them, every bawdy song she could think of, in the hope of making them smile.<\/p>\n

“I never knew you could sing,” said Joe with an exhausted grin as he collected the pail next to her feet.<\/p>\n

“There\u2019s a lot we never knew,” she said lightly, refolding the compress on Frank Murphy\u2019s brow.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head. “I told you everything,” he said simply. He picked up the pail and continued on his rounds without a backward glance.<\/p>\n

Hours later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. “Julia, you need to take a rest,” said Doc. “I don\u2019t need more patients. We haven\u2019t had a new one in hours. This is probably a good time for a break.”<\/p>\n

Julia stood, stretching. “You\u2019re probably right,” she admitted. The rain was still falling outside, but the Palace felt dry and secure.<\/p>\n

“When you see Joe, tell him I want him to take a break, too,” Doc added. At her expression, he added, “If he won\u2019t listen to you, send him to me.”<\/p>\n

She was heading for the stairs when she saw him. He was still wet and looked even more fatigued than before. “Joe, the doctor said you\u2019re to take a break,” she said.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m fine,” he said, but she caught his arm.<\/p>\n

“You look exhausted,” she said. “Come upstairs and lie down.”<\/p>\n

“I can catch a nap out in the alley,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t be ridiculous,” she replied. “You\u2019re already soaked, and there\u2019s nearly no overhang out there. Just come up and lie down for a little bit.”<\/p>\n

She could see the battle in his face. Finally, exhaustion won out. Without a word, he followed her up the stairs. She opened the door, and slowly, he entered her rooms for the first time since the night he\u2019d left.<\/p>\n

Brusquely, she went into the bedroom and reached into the back of the clothes press. She came out to where he still stood and said, “There are towels and a robe on the bed. You dry off, and I\u2019ll put your wet things to dry by the stove.” She saw him flinch, and she braced herself for an argument, but none was forthcoming. Instead, he went into the bedroom, closing the door behind. A minute later, he returned, clad in the green robe, wet clothing in his hand.<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll take that,” she said. “You go in the bedroom and lie down for a while.”<\/p>\n

He shook his head. “You need to rest as much as I do. I\u2019m not going to take your bed. I can sleep on the loveseat.”<\/p>\n

“Don\u2019t be ridiculous,” she said again. “You\u2019re too tall. It\u2019s barely long enough for me.”<\/p>\n

“I\u2019ll be fine,” he said. “I\u2019ve slept on it before.”<\/p>\n

“Once, and you ended up with a terrible stiff neck,” she reminded him. “We don\u2019t have time to argue. We both need to rest and get back downstairs. Now, go on in and lie down. By the time you wake up, your clothes will be dry.” She turned on her heel and headed into the kitchen. A moment later, she heard the bedroom door close, and she felt a small sense of victory.<\/p>\n

She was awakened by knocking at the door. Blinking sleepily, she threw off the quilt she\u2019d pulled over herself and opened the door to see Ben Cartwright, ready to knock again.<\/p>\n

“Doc sent me to see if you were ready to come back down,” he said. He looked around the parlor. “He said he thought Little Joe might be up here, too.”<\/p>\n

Julia nodded, yawning. “Excuse me,” she said. “I made him take the bed. He\u2019s too tall for the loveseat.”<\/p>\n

Ben smiled. “It\u2019s hard to think of Joe as being too tall for much, but I imagine you\u2019re right,” he said.<\/p>\n

“His clothes should be dry by now,” she said. “If you want to go and wake him up, I\u2019ll get his things.” Still yawning, she padded into the kitchen to collect Joe\u2019s clothing.<\/p>\n

A minute later, she heard Ben frantically calling for her. She hurried into the room to see him holding Joe\u2019s head as the boy vomited onto the bedside rug. “He\u2019s burning up,” said Ben. “Get the doctor!” She stood stockstill for a moment. “Go!” he hissed, and she ran.<\/p>\n

The ensuing hours took on a nightmarish quality. There were still sick men downstairs who required her attentions, but the only one she cared about now was up in her bed, tossing and turning as the fever blazed. Ben stayed with him, wiping his face and trying to calm him, and Julia tried not to envy him. Whenever possible, she ran upstairs to see how Joe was doing, and each time, she was more and more afraid.<\/p>\n

“How is he?” asked Hoss as he and Adam were heading up the stairs and she was heading down. Julia shrugged helplessly. Just this morning, Doc had said that they were saving two for every one they lost and that, in this type of situation, that was a victory. At the time, they\u2019d all nodded their agreement. Now, such a statement sounded ridiculous. If one man died of this wretched fever, there was no victory.<\/p>\n

Dark was lightening to gray when Julia entered her bedroom, bearing a pitcher of ice water. Ben was dozing in the bedside chair, and Joe slept fitfully. As she refilled the washbowl, she thought of all the times that she\u2019d watched him sleeping in that bed. Tears filled her eyes, and she took a moment to blink them firmly back before she moved quietly around to the other side of the bed. She sat down next to Joe, lifting the compress from his brow and dipping it into the fresh, cold water. He started slightly when she laid it back on his hot forehead, but his eyes remained closed.<\/p>\n

“A little cold, is it?” she whispered. “Well, it needs to be, so don\u2019t you complain.” As she stroked his cheek, she tried to assume the same casually flirtatious tone that she\u2019d used with the other sick men. “When you\u2019re feeling better, you\u2019re definitely going to need a shave\u2014not that you\u2019re not handsome with whiskers, but I prefer my men clean-shaven. Your father probably thinks that you should have a haircut, too, but to be honest, I\u2019ve always liked your hair on the longer side. More to run my fingers though.” She combed his curls with her fingers as she continued, “And don\u2019t even get me started about those gorgeous eyes of yours. I remember how you used to look at me\u2014sometimes, I\u2019d just forget what I was going to say.” She turned the compress and took a moment to wipe the tears that had spilled down her cheeks. “Look what you\u2019ve done now,” she said. “I haven\u2019t cried in years, and now I\u2019m a mess, and it\u2019s all your fault.”<\/p>\n

She took his hand and kissed it. “You can\u2019t go anywhere, you just can\u2019t. I have to tell you how sorry I am. All my big talk to your family about how they needed to let you make your own decisions about us, and I just ran roughshod right over you. I heard you that night, when you were crying, and I couldn\u2019t stand the idea that you were hurting so badly because of me. So I made up that stupid fight and threw you out so that you\u2019d go back to them, and I figured you\u2019d forget all about me.” She held his hand against her wet cheek. “But you didn\u2019t, did you? You never forgot, and I never forgot, and I never got a chance to tell you how I was sorry, and now you\u2019re sick, and I\u2019m so afraid I\u2019ll never get to tell you everything I want you to know.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.” She clung to his hand, weeping.<\/p>\n

Then, she felt his fingers curl around hers, and she looked up to see his eyes half-open. “Julia,” he managed.<\/p>\n

“Sssh, don\u2019t try to talk,” she said. She started to reach for the compress, but he caught her hand.<\/p>\n

“Love you,” he murmured. “Always.”<\/p>\n

“You just like to see me cry, don\u2019t you?” she said, smiling through her tears.<\/p>\n

The faintest smile tipped the corners of his lips. “I love you,” he whispered.<\/p>\n

She laid her hand against his cheek. She didn\u2019t know if she was strong enough to say it, but as she felt the warmth of his skin, she knew that she wasn\u2019t strong enough not to. She\u2019d come far too close to missing this chance. She took a deep breath and gathered every scrap of courage she possessed, leaning over so that her lips almost brushed his ear. For the first time in her life, Julia Bulette said the words. “I love you, too,” she breathed.<\/p>\n

“Really?” His voice was no stronger than hers.<\/p>\n

“Really,” she affirmed, as casually as if she wasn\u2019t trembling. “I love you, Joe Cartwright.” She watched his face carefully, lest her admission somehow diminish her in his eyes.<\/p>\n

“Not just saying it\u2014\u2019cause I\u2019m dying?” he managed.<\/p>\n

She smiled tremulously and kissed his cheek. “You\u2019re not dying, silly,” she said. She pressed her hand against his face. “I think your fever\u2019s broken. Besides, I\u2019ve never said that to anyone before, and I certainly wouldn\u2019t waste it on a dying man.” She sat up and poured him a glass of water. “Come on, you need to drink something,” she said in her best matter-of-fact tone. She tried to help him to sit up, but he was too weak to manage. Finally, she set the glass on the bedside table and moved so that her back was against the headboard, and she lifted his head and shoulders into her lap. For a moment, she stroked his hair, luxuriating in the feel of him once more. Then, practicality asserted itself, and she supported his head as she steadied the glass so that he could drink.<\/p>\n

“What the\u2014what are you doing?” Ben struggled awake. The look on his face at the scene before him suggested that he thought he might still be dreaming.<\/p>\n

Julia smiled as she set the glass on the bedside table. “He\u2019s just having a drink,” she said. “His fever\u2019s broken.”<\/p>\n

Ben moved from the chair to the side of the bed, resting his hand on his son\u2019s face. “You\u2019re cooler,” he agreed. “How do you feel, son?”<\/p>\n

Joe was clearly exhausted, but he smiled with perfect happiness. “She loves me, Pa.”<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s eyes met Julia\u2019s, and she nodded. Then, he smiled at his son. Quietly, he admitted, “I know.”<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

She\u2019d never thought anything could hurt so much. Even the times when she\u2019d been beaten, it had never hurt this way. The doctor said that she had at least one or two broken ribs. She remembered the time when Little Joe had cracked his ribs in that fight when he was defending her. At the time, she hadn\u2019t thought it was that serious. Clearly, she hadn\u2019t understood.<\/p>\n

“Julia.” Joe came into her room, his smile far too determined to be believable.<\/p>\n

She forced herself to smile. “Darling,” she managed. She was so cold.<\/p>\n

“Ssssh, don\u2019t try to talk,” he said, pulling up the chair beside the bed and taking her hand. “Doc says you need your rest,” he added, stroking her hair.<\/p>\n

“Did you catch him?”<\/p>\n

“Not yet,” said Joe. “Hoss and Adam went out with the posse. They\u2019ll get him, don\u2019t you worry. He\u2019ll pay for this.” She could hear the fierce resolve in his voice, and she knew that if she were dead, he\u2019d be out there, riding in search of the man who\u2019d robbed and stabbed her.<\/p>\n

“Did he get everything?” she asked.<\/p>\n

“Everything from your jewelry box,” said Joe. “I\u2019m sorry.”<\/p>\n

She smiled in spite of the pain. She\u2019d outsmarted Millain after all. “Drawer,” she said. At Joe\u2019s perplexed look, she gestured toward the night table. He opened the drawer, and it took him only a minute to find the box behind her collection of oils and lotions. She held out her hand, and he pressed the box into it, closing her fingers around it. “Always kept them hidden,” she said. “Just in case.” She took a minute to breathe. “Open it,” she said.<\/p>\n

Joe opened the box. The little emerald earrings shone in the dim light. He looked from the earrings to her, tears glistening.<\/p>\n

“Put them on me,” she murmured. When he hesitated, she said, “It\u2019s okay.” Clumsily, he took the earrings from the box and attached them to her earlobes. “How do I look?”<\/p>\n

“You\u2019re the most beautiful woman I\u2019ve ever seen,” he said, his voice breaking.<\/p>\n

She reached for his hand. “Get me a brandy, Joe.”<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t think you\u2019re supposed to have brandy now,” he said gently.<\/p>\n

It was all she could do not to tell him that it wasn\u2019t going to matter, one way or the other. All she wanted to do was to warm up, and maybe dull the pain. “Come on,” she urged. “Just a little one.”<\/p>\n

“Maybe later,” said Joe. He poured a glass of water and supported her head so that she could drink. Then, he laid her back down tenderly.<\/p>\n

“Where\u2019s your father?” she asked.<\/p>\n

“In the parlor,” Joe said. “Do you want me to get him?”<\/p>\n

“Not right now,” she said. She was glad that Ben was here. Joe was going to need him.<\/p>\n

It was so odd to think of how things had come together. As Joe recovered from the fever, his family had finally come to accept her place in his life. Ben had even taken her aside and told her privately that, if it was Joe\u2019s wish, she was welcome to become part of the Ponderosa. She\u2019d thanked him with such a gracious smile that he never inquired as to whether that was also her wish.<\/p>\n

But the truth was that, even though she loved Little Joe as much as she was capable of loving any man, she could never marry him. Raoul was still alive. He shouldn\u2019t have been. With his unhealthy habits, including drinking far too much, cheating at cards and flirting with other men\u2019s women, he should have been dead twenty years ago. Still, she kept hoping. She had a connection through whom she periodically made discreet inquiry. When last she\u2019d inquired, a few weeks earlier, she learned that somehow, Raoul continued to evade death. Irrefutable evidence of the old adage that only the good die young, she supposed.<\/p>\n

And so, her hands were tied. If she tried to divorce him, he would find her. Her wastrel husband would parade the streets of Virginia City, announcing to one and all that Julia Bulette was, in reality, Juliette Renaud, whose drunken father had once bet his fourteen-year-old daughter\u2019s hand in marriage in a poker game. Not that Raoul loved her; she was simply a possession. In fact, he had had no problem with the notion of sharing his pretty little bride with his friends, or with beating her if she refused to cooperate.<\/p>\n

Then, when she was seventeen and Jean-Paul came to their home, he took pity on her and managed to extricate her from Raoul\u2019s clutches. He hid her and changed her name, and he steadfastly denied to Raoul that he knew anything about her disappearance. While she had already learned enough about protecting her heart so that she never fell in love with Jean-Paul, she was genuinely fond of him. She eagerly learned everything he was willing to teach, including social polish and business skills. In return, she gave him what she believed was all she had to give. After he died, she felt certain that no man would ever touch her heart again, and for nearly fifteen years, it was true.<\/p>\n

Until the night she met Little Joe Cartwright, and he looked into her eyes and knew what she was, and loved her anyway.<\/p>\n

For him, she kept her secret. Bad enough that the good people of Virginia City had condemned them when they thought she was merely a prostitute seducing a boy. If word had ever leaked out that Ben Cartwright\u2019s youngest son was living with another man\u2019s wife, the disgrace for Joe and his family would have been irreparable. She might have been willing to face the contempt of the self-righteous for herself, but she would never subject Little Joe to such shame. Still worse, there was always the chance that she would be unable to keep Joe from going to New Orleans to challenge Raoul to a duel for her honor\u2014and that Raoul\u2019s luck might hold. If being unable to marry the man she loved was to be the price of keeping him safe from scandal and sword, so be it. She would gladly pay, and she would never reveal the cost.<\/p>\n

She must have dozed off, because she opened her eyes to see Ben standing behind Joe, his hand on the boy\u2019s shoulder. “Good,” she murmured. If she\u2019d done nothing else in this world, at least somehow, she\u2019d mended what she\u2019d broken. People could say worse things about her.<\/p>\n

“What was that, darling?” Joe leaned over her. His face was streaked with tears. He looked so young, so innocent.<\/p>\n

She reached up to stroke his cheek. “I love you,” she said, but there was no sound to the words. Even so, he seemed to understand, because he took her hand and kissed it.<\/p>\n

Ben patted his shoulder. “I\u2019ll be outside, son,” he said quietly, and she knew that the end was here.<\/p>\n

“I never meant to see you again,” she managed.<\/p>\n

“What do you mean?”<\/p>\n

“After that first night,” she murmured.<\/p>\n

“That first night that turned into three days?” He smiled through his tears, holding her hand against his cheek.<\/p>\n

“But you came back.”<\/p>\n

“I came back,” he nodded. “I\u2019ll always come back to you. Always, my darling.”<\/p>\n

She could feel herself slipping away. She didn\u2019t want to leave him. She wanted to come back to him, too. “Hold me, Joe,” she whispered. He clutched her hand. “No,” she managed. “Really hold me.” He climbed onto the bed and took her in his arms.<\/p>\n

“I love you, Julia,” he whispered. “Don\u2019t leave me, darling. I love you.”<\/p>\n

“Joe,” she murmured. She felt warmer now, and she didn\u2019t hurt nearly so much. He kissed her hair and stroked her cheek, whispering her name over and over. The pain faded, and in the arms of the only man she had ever loved, Julia Bulette found peace at last.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THE END<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0A ‘What Happened Instead’ for the Julia Bulette Story, seen from Julia’s point of view.\u00a0 Mild sexual content.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0MA \u00a0WC \u00a026,000<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":8766,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,690,27],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-4512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-ma-rated","category-whi","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-690-id","wpcat-27-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1813,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Julia-Bulette1.jpg?fit=432%2C441&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3724,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=3724","url_meta":{"origin":4512,"position":0},"title":"Une Petite Mort (A Little Death) (by Sue)","author":"Sue","date":"April 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A \u2018what happened in between and next' for one of my favourite episodes, Julia Bulette. What happened after Joe proposed and rode home and also after Julia's funeral. How was he with his father and his brothers? Rated:\u00a0 T \u00a0WC \u00a055,200","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":22972,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=22972","url_meta":{"origin":4512,"position":1},"title":"Reputation (by Patina)","author":"patina","date":"June 22, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: A What-Happened-In-Between for the Julia Bulette Story. Some wounds never heal. 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