HOME TO STAY<\/strong><\/p>\nAuthor’s Note:\u00a0 My first story, I hope you enjoy it!<\/p>\n
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Adam closed his eyes slowly, wishing that by so doing he could prove what was happening unreal. It didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe contract gets annulled now!\u201d His father shot him an angry glare, and Adam knew that by trying to persuade him otherwise he was fighting a losing battle. Still, try he did \u2013 there was no other choice.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, I don\u2019t see how we can go back on this now. I\u2019m sorry if you don\u2019t approve of the deal, but we need this money just as much as they need the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n
The color in the older man\u2019s face rose dangerously as he regarded his young son. \u201cDo you intend to defy me on this, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n
It was always a bad sign when Ben\u2019s voice turned this quiet, and Adam couldn\u2019t help an involuntary shudder. A quiet desperation filled his heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat would you have me do, Pa? I signed the contract, agreed to the conditions \u2013 they have my word.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did it behind my back! Who gave you the permission to launch this horse-breaking business in the first place, I ask you?!\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam was finding it increasingly difficult to think clearly. He was exhausted \u2013 both physically and mentally. There wasn\u2019t a place on his body that wasn\u2019t hurting, and there wasn\u2019t a part of his mind that would not be shadowed by pain and worry and grief. For months, he had been waiting for his father to re-enter their life so that he could shed the burden of responsibility that had been cast upon him.<\/p>\n
And now it was happening \u2013 there was recognition in Ben\u2019s dark eyes that was lacking there before. But instead of an expected relief, the feeling washing over him was closer to fear. He wished he could fall asleep, only to wake up to the world in which things were making sense again. He dared a look at his father, and his throat tightened. Nothing was right in the world, and everything was wrong.<\/p>\n
**********<\/p>\n
It was a harsh awakening for Ben. He knew he could no longer shun the reality of the world without Marie in it, but now this very world seemed to be doing some of its own shunning in relation to him. It wasn\u2019t the life he recognized that awaited him back home. He knew it would take some time to pick up the pieces but was not prepared for the feelings of helplessness and frustration that seemed to dog his steps from the moment he set his foot on the ranch.<\/p>\n
He certainly wasn\u2019t prepared for the sight of his seventeen-year-old son breaking horses in a newly built corral, and when he learnt of the contract Adam had signed with Jack Hopkins, he was furious. Anger, fuelled by fear, was driving him now, and the defiance building up in the eyes of his first-born was not helping things.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe needed the money.\u201d Adam looked away, his voice quiet, almost pleading.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t the answer to my question, boy! I asked you on what grounds you deemed yourself competent to make a decision to start a new contract, without my consent?! And horses, of all things!\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s eyes snapped back to him, his expression hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou weren\u2019t here to give your consent, Pa.\u201d He swallowed hard. \u201cAnd about the horses… we can\u2019t shut this part of life out just because Marie died the way she did,\u201d he added quietly.<\/p>\n
The pain and anger in their purest form blinded Ben to reason, and the next thing he knew, Adam was staring at him in shock. Then, slowly, the boy raised his hand to his mouth and studied the blood-smeared finger tips. He looked up, and Ben saw a play of responses reflect on his face: hurt, disbelief, something close to fear. His own heart was pounding, and his mind could not comprehend the meaning of what had just happened.<\/p>\n
Adam squared his shoulders and, wiping the blood off his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, walked past him and into the house. Ben stood frozen to the spot, listening to the falls of his son\u2019s boots on the stairs, then the bang of the door closing, then nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cBen?\u201d<\/p>\n
He forgot that Roy was still there, a silent witness of a confrontation between a father and a son.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that really necessary?\u201d<\/p>\n
He ran his hand over his face, trying to settle his confused emotions. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to slap him, Roy…\u201d<\/p>\n
The other man put a comforting hand on his friend\u2019s strong shoulder, torn between sympathy for a grieving husband and frustration at how he let this grief override his better sense.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour boy has been trying to keep this place from falling apart \u2013 he did a darn good job of it, too, Ben.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, Roy… I know… still, he shouldn\u2019t have spoken like that about… about….\u201d<\/p>\n
Roy shook his head in exasperation. \u201cAnd why not? He was right, and you know it,\u201d he hated to be this blunt, but he could think of no other way to reach the man.<\/p>\n
His features contorted with pain, Ben stared at him wordlessly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou lost Marie, Ben. How much more are you prepared to lose before this ends?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d his eyes narrowed to slits, he considered the man before him.<\/p>\n
Roy held his gaze. \u201cWhat I mean is there\u2019s more than one way to lose somebody.\u201d He jerked his head towards the spot where Adam stood not so long ago.<\/p>\n
Ben\u2019s gaze traveled in the direction of the house, and his jaw clenched.<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t let it happen,\u201d he said in low voice. \u201cI\u2019m not losing my son, Roy.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words sounded like a threat.<\/p>\n
***********<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Adam!\u201d Joe hopped off the porch and scurried in the direction of a tall, dark-haired boy.<\/p>\n
Even in the gathering gloom of the late evening Ben could see the weariness etched on Adam\u2019s face. Still, the older boy smiled as he scooped the child and lifted him up.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey yourself, little brother,\u201d he said in a tired voice, and planted a kiss on the top of Joe\u2019s curly head.<\/p>\n
\u201cHop Sing says… \u201cJoe stopped suddenly and his eyes grew wide. \u201cWhat happened to your face?\u201d<\/p>\n
A smile died on Adam\u2019s lips and he lowered the boy back to the ground.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s nothing, Joe. Let\u2019s go in, I\u2019m starving,\u201d he put an arm around Joe\u2019s slender shoulders and steered him towards the house.<\/p>\n
It was then that Adam noticed his father standing on the porch, his frame somewhat blurred in the growing dark, and he paused for a second before carrying on.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam…\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped, but still refused to look at Ben. Sensing his brother\u2019s sudden tension, Joe clung closer to him, his little hand gripping at the bigger one.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, we need to talk,\u201d Ben said evenly, and his gaze shifted towards his youngest boy. \u201cJoe, tell Hop Sing that Adam and I will be in later, will you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The kid did not move \u2013 if anything, his grip on Adam grew stronger.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease, do as I say, son.\u201d Ben gave his five-year-old a warning look. The boy hid his face in his brother\u2019s pants and refused to let go.<\/p>\n
Adam gave his father a furtive glance and saw the lines on his face carve deeper \u2013 a sign of hurt, caused by the realization of a wedge that forged between himself and his sons.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe. Please, do as Pa says,\u201d Adam said softly. The curly head shook fiercely, and the grip of the little hands tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanna stay with ya!\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam bit his lip. He squatted down on his heels and cupped the child\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I guess I\u2019ll have to starve then,\u201d he stated sadly, watching the boy from under his long lashes.<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really counted on you to save some of the supper for me before Hoss has it all wiped out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want me to save some fer you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you do that for me? It\u2019s not an easy job, you know,\u201d he winked, and Joe nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t ya worry none, Adam,\u201d he said importantly, and dashed for the house. He halted at the door. \u201cBut you won\u2019t be long, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u201d<\/p>\n
The door closed, leaving the two alone in the gloom of the dying day. Ben studied the boy standing before him \u2013 for the first time in months he took a good look at his son, and was shaken by what he saw.<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s lowered lashes did not manage to conceal the dark shadows under his eyes, and his face, while tanned from daily outdoorsy work, looked glaringly washed out. An ugly bruise on his cheek was a painful remainder of their earlier confrontation, and Ben\u2019s throat tightened at the sight of his boy\u2019s face, aware of his own contribution to its present state. The thought that he could raise a hand to one of his sons in this manner was still not fully registering with him. He reached for Adam\u2019s cheek, and frowned when the motion made the boy jerk his head away, his eyes widening in fear.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam… \u201che said softly, his hand left hovering in the air.<\/p>\n
Hesitantly, the boy faced him again, allowing Ben to cup the side of his face with his hand. He cringed slightly, but otherwise remained motionless as his father surveyed the damage done to his cheek.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry about that, son.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam averted his eyes. \u201cThat\u2019s okay, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben shook his head, scowling. \u201cNo, Adam, it is not okay. It was uncalled for.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped, unsure of how to say all the things that needed saying. Adam shifted uncomfortably. With his right hand he reached into the pocket and took out a few banknotes, which he then handed to his father. Ben raised his eyebrows questioningly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s for the horses we\u2019ve delivered so far. I asked Mr Hopkins to come by tomorrow, so that you can tell him about your decision concerning the rest of the contract.\u201d<\/p>\n
The boy was still avoiding any eye-contact with Ben. Automatically, Ben stretched his arm to accept the money, surprised at this turn of events. Stronger than a feeling of gratification at hearing that Adam did follow his order was a sense of guilt at breaking the boy into obedience, regardless of all the effort he had put into the assignment.<\/p>\n
Taking a deep breath, he faced his young son. \u201cVery well, then. We\u2019ll talk it over later.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam did not reply, but there was a shadow of curiosity in his expression as he considered his father cautiously. Ben wondered how much time had to pass before he would see something else than hurt or distrust, or confusion there. Gently, he put a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder and guided him towards the steps. They sat down; arm in arm yet worlds apart.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, my anger today was misplaced. I took it out on you, and I\u2019m very sorry for that,\u201d he hesitated, stealing a glance at the boy. \u201cI know I failed you boys miserably in my duties as your father. I should have never left you alone to cope with… what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes that mean… you\u2019re back?\u201d Adam eyed him warily, his whole posture tense.<\/p>\n
Ben smiled slightly at the question and its double meaning. He put an arm around Adam\u2019s shoulders, and this time the boy did not shy away.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, son. I\u2019m back,\u201d he said softly, and his heart grew warm at the sight of a hesitant smile that crept on the boy\u2019s tired face. But too soon the smile was replaced with a shadow of worry.<\/p>\n
\u201cI…I tried to do my best, sir. I just…half of the time I had no idea what to do, and how to do it,\u201d he hid his head in hands, his fingers raking the hair that was in a desperate need of a haircut. \u201cI never meant to do anything behind your back, Pa. I only tried to make things work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n
While not harsh, the tone Ben assumed was nonetheless firm; enough so to get the boy\u2019s attention. Once Adam raised his head to meet his father\u2019s eyes, Ben continued, this time in a much mellower voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, you were left to cope with the burden that should have never been yours to bear in the first place. And you\u2019ve done beautifully. No father could be prouder of a son than I am of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
A look of concern on Adam\u2019s young face dissolved once his mind registered his father\u2019s words, and his eyes lit up. Never one to feel comfortable with open praise, though, he swiftly focused on his hands. This earned him a knowing smile from Ben.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, Pa. You might change your mind once you\u2019ve had a good look at the books, though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben squeezed the boy\u2019s shoulder, and then, unable to stop himself, he simply drew his seventeen-year-old into a loving embrace. The fact that Adam did not fight it spoke volumes about how hard the last months must have been on him. Still, no matter what prompted the boy to accept this gesture of affection, Ben wasn\u2019t going to complain as long as he could cherish this moment of closeness with his child.<\/p>\n
He smiled when Adam rested his head against his shoulder, and held his son close, allowing some time to pass. At last, he tapped his back gently and made to let go of him, when the realization hit him that Adam\u2019s head was still safely nested in the folds of his shirt. Surprised, he took a closer look at the boy, and rolled his eyes in amusement.<\/p>\n
Adam was asleep.<\/p>\n
***********<\/p>\n
Having smoothed the blanket with which he covered Adam\u2019s sleeping form, Ben spared his oldest son a worried look.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe looks exhausted.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hop Sing, who had helped Ben to get the boy up to his bedroom, frowned at the remark.<\/p>\n
\u201cBoy not sleep enough, not eat enough. He make himself sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
As they made their way downstairs, Ben considered the cook\u2019s words and found their inclination disturbing.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas it that bad, Hop Sing? I mean, for him to take care of things when I was away?\u201d<\/p>\n
The other hesitated, unwilling to add to the man\u2019s burden, yet aware that lying would do no good either.<\/p>\n
\u201cNumber one son work till dark, and then he work on papers late into night. And some nights he not sleep at all, when Little Joe has nightmares.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben kept staring at the flames dancing in a large fireplace, his heart growing heavier as Hop Sing related the facts. He covered his mouth with a hand, trying to calm his racing mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know about Joe\u2019s nightmares\u201d<\/p>\n
Hop Sing shrugged his shoulders; there really wasn\u2019t much to say to that, nothing that both of them didn\u2019t know already. An overcoming feeling of guilt flooded Ben, but he fought it off, knowing that this was not a right time for it. He needed to be strong for the boys, and feeling guilty was not going to help him with that.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I\u2019ll make sure that Adam gets a full night\u2019s sleep tonight. As for Hoss and Joe, we might as well leave the door to their bedrooms open, just in case they need me.\u201d<\/p>\n
***********<\/p>\n
Loud cries pierced the quiet of the night, startling Ben from his slumber. Grabbing his dressing gown, he staggered into the hall, almost colliding with his middle son.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Joe, Pa. He\u2019s havin\u2019 one of them nightmares,\u201d the boy mumbled, still drowsy and rather confused after his sudden awakening.<\/p>\n
Ben entered his youngest son\u2019s bedroom and rushed to the little boy that kept trashing in his bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cHush, Joe… calm down, child. Your Pa\u2019s here…\u201d<\/p>\n
His soothing words were lost on Joe, who kept tossing and turning, his shrieks growing in strength. Nothing Ben said or did seemed to have any effect on the child caged in his fear and blind to what was going on around him.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Pa, I\u2019ve got him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben found himself staring at his oldest son, who somehow materialized at his side and, taking hold of his little brother, brought him to his chest, his hand massaging the child\u2019s back.<\/p>\n
Adam whispered soothing words in the boy\u2019s ear and, gradually, Joe\u2019s cries subsided, eventually turning into hiccups. The little form clung to the older boy, a little curly head finding shelter on Adam\u2019s shoulder. A few more minutes passed, with Adam continuing to rock his brother, his own eyes drooping with tiredness.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me have him, Adam. Go back to bed,\u201d Ben whispered at last, afraid of wakening Joe.<\/p>\n
Adam loosened his grip at Joe and tried to transfer the little body into his father\u2019s arms, but a movement did not go unnoticed. Clinging to his brother, Joe voiced his objection.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll just take him to my bed,\u201d Adam said softly, and scooped the child up, exhaustion evident in his every move.<\/p>\n
Ben knew he should object to that \u2013 there was no way Adam could rest through what was left of the night with an upset Joe by his side, but there didn\u2019t seem to be any choice in the matter. He looked at the boy and cringed at the sight of a bruise that marred his tired face, clearly visible now.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam simply nodded, words presenting too much of an effort at the moment. Ben followed them with his eyes, his two sons whose pain he could not relieve.<\/p>\n
************<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think you\u2019re doing down here, young man?\u201d<\/p>\n
In a grey light of an early morning, Ben could see a warning register on Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir?\u201d<\/p>\n
Clearly weary of his father\u2019s manner, Adam stopped at the bottom of the stairs and considered the man cautiously.<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked you what you were doing here this early, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoing?\u201d the boy blinked at him, incredulous, wishing that this conversation started to make sense.<\/p>\n
Ben stood up from behind the table, where he enjoyed his morning coffee, and approached his son.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want you to go back to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
The look of confusion on the young face was now complete, and Ben couldn\u2019t help but smile. \u201cAnd don\u2019t look so unhappy about it, it\u2019s supposed to be a good thing to be allowed to skip a few morning chores.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Pa… I need to take care of \u2014\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat you need, my boy, is to do as I say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut \u2014\u201c<\/p>\n
Ben shut his eyes for a second, praying for patience.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, I think we discussed it last night. I AM back, and this means that the running of the ranch is not on your shoulders anymore. I\u2019ll take care of what needs to be done, and you WILL go back to your bed and stay there till I say you may come down. And not a minute earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n
Seeing the frown that shadowed the boy\u2019s face, he put a hand on Adam\u2019s shoulder and looked at him squarely.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, you\u2019re barely able to stand on your feet. I need you to tell me about how things worked here for the last couple of months, and show me in, but not until I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve had a decent rest and won\u2019t collapse on me. Is that understood?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam nodded, still eyeing him suspiciously.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood. Now scoot back upstairs, and let me take care of you for a change. It will do both of us good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hesitantly, the boy turned away, but came to a halt on the first step.<\/p>\n
\u201cPa, are you sure \u2013\u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, do you really need a lesson in obedience, son?\u201d<\/p>\n
One brow raised, Ben gave him a familiar look. Adam shook his head vigorously.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, sir,\u201d he assured Ben. Then, a mischievous grin brightened his features. \u201dIn fact, I\u2019m willing to let you do the evening chores for me as well, Pa, to make it up to you for this present lack of cooperation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Luckily, he was beyond the reach of Ben\u2019s arm, and a cautionary \u201cA-dam\u201d was all he got.<\/p>\n
Seeing him disappear upstairs, Ben allowed himself a little smile which soon turned into a quiet chuckle. He had never thought he would be happy to see Adam get smart with him, but in those circumstances he almost welcomed it as a sign that things were on their way back to normal.<\/p>\n
Returning to his desk, he took a steaming cup and brought it to his lips. The papers strewn all over the wooden surface were screaming for his attention, but he chose to ignore them for a minute or two.<\/p>\n
The day was dawning sunny and crisp, and for a moment Ben engrossed himself in the atmosphere of anticipation it inspired. He didn\u2019t know how much time it would take for his family to heal, but he did know one thing \u2013 he would be there to see it happen. No, he would be there to make sure it does happen. It was just a matter of time and a matter of love \u2013 and Ben had enough of those, if nothing else.<\/p>\n
**********<\/p>\n
He stopped in the middle of his bedroom and took a deep breath. His eyes slid over a small form huddled in a small knot on his bed, sleeping peacefully.<\/p>\n
A sound of rustling reached him from behind the wall; Hoss would be up soon, ready to track him down in the barn where he should be at the moment, taking his place by Adam\u2019s side as they go about the morning chores. He wondered if Pa would intercept him, too.<\/p>\n
Adam closed his eyes slowly, feeling the warmth of the first sun rays on his face. There were so many things he found confusing, emotions he couldn\u2019t quite name. And yet, he was beginning to recognize the fabric of the world he stepped into. Eyes sealed, he held on to that feeling.<\/p>\n
It felt like home.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The End<\/p>\n
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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Summary: Months after Marie’s death, Ben is ready to come back to his life on the ranch. Now it’s a matter of finding the way back home.