Chapter One<\/strong><\/p>\nSunlight streamed through the trees as Ben and Marie Cartwright rode through the woods on the way to the lake. Marie was talking excitedly, telling Ben of the plans she had for the upcoming twelfth birthday party for their middle son, Hoss. Laughing, she told him how it was essential that they not let Little Joe overhear their plans so that he wouldn\u2019t inadvertently tell Hoss the plans. Ben was only half listening to Marie as she talked; she had told him all this before. It wasn\u2019t that he wasn\u2019t interested, but as always the sight of her, the sound of her, even the smell of her was almost overpowering and all he could think of was how much he loved her and their life on the Ponderosa. He was a man who had endured many hardships, but now his life seemed to be complete. The Ponderosa was finally beginning to thrive, Marie was a wonderful wife and mother to all of his three sons, and they had made a lot of friends and had established the Cartwright name as something to be proud of. His older two sons from his previous marriages loved Marie as if she had given birth to them. Adam had taken a while but she had won him over with her patience, goodness, and stubborn refusal to give up. Hoss, always so loving, had taken to her immediately, as she had to him. And Joseph\u2014their son together, so much like his mother\u2014their Little Joe.<\/p>\n
Ben was awakened from his dream by a heart-wrenching, terrified scream. He bolted upright in bed with a start. Immediately he realized two things. It had been a dream\u2014only a dream\u2014his bed was empty. Marie was dead and buried at her favorite place on the edge of Lake Tahoe. And the source of that agonizing scream was their son, Joseph. Ben grimaced and as he turned to throw on a bathrobe, he pounded his fist on the bureau top in frustration, anger, grief, and hopelessness. He took a deep breath and forced himself to compose his face as he headed towards his son\u2019s room. As he got to the door, he saw Adam and Hoss standing at the doorway immobilized by their own grief and sorrow. Ben wanted to offer them some solace too, but he had precious little to spare. He put an arm around each of them and gave a quick hug, more of a squeeze and then quietly said, \u201cAdam would you see to getting Hoss back to bed? I\u2019ll go to Little Joe.\u201d With tears in his own eyes, Adam gently led Hoss back towards his own room.<\/p>\n
Ben quickly crossed the threshold and went directly to Little Joe\u2019s bed. Joe\u2019s cries were somewhat muffled by the pillow he was holding tight to, as if he were hanging onto a person. But Ben knew what his words were; they were the same that he had been calling out several times a night every night for the past week since Marie had died. \u201cNo, Mama, Don\u2019t leave me, Mama. Mama come back.\u201d Then the cries wound down to a pleading \u201cMamaaaaaaa\u201d and again Little Joe would cry until he could cry no more. Ben reached down and pulled Joe up and held onto him tightly, slowly rocking him back and forth and making soothing \u201cSssh\u201d noises until Joe, completely out of breath and exhausted, resumed his restless sleep. He had tried at first to wake Joe up and comfort him, but he and Adam and Hoss had finally learned that it was better not to wake him, because waking him made it even more difficult, not only for Little Joe, but for them as well. Ben sat there for a long, long time, holding onto the son that was the result of the love between him and Marie. He watched the rise and fall of his son\u2019s chest, heard the gasping sobs and snuffles as his body tried to recover from his nightmare and wondered how he would be able to cope with the loss of his mother. How would they all be able to cope with the loss? Again he felt the tears running down his own face as he contemplated a future without Marie Cartwright\u2014his wife, step-mother to Adam and Hoss, mother to 5 year old Joseph, his best friend, and\u2014his life.<\/p>\n
The dawn found Ben Cartwright sitting in the rocking chair by the window of Little Joe\u2019s room, holding his son and thinking\u2014something he had avoided doing for the past week. The events of the week had gone past as if he had been watching them happen to someone else. The only thing he could remember clearly was the one thing he wished he could forget\u2014that split second in which Marie\u2019s horse had stumbled and fallen. She died almost instantly, by the time he reached her, she let out one small breath and then she was gone. Lost to them all. The minute before she had been full of life, in a hurry\u2014she was always in a hurry. That he remembered, but he barely remembered the days afterwards, the funeral, the friends, and the well-meaning advice.<\/p>\n
He was sure he and his sons would not have made it through the week if not for the help of his friends Roy Coffee and Paul Martin. Some of the other friends and neighbors, trying to be helpful had arrived soon after the news had spread and took over. Before he had been able to absorb the news and think rationally, neighbors had come and spirited Hoss and Little Joe away. He smiled grimly as he recalled that they had also tried to take Adam but he would not go with them and had protested when they insisted upon taking Hoss and Little Joe. To make things even worse, they had sent Hoss and Little Joe to two separate families. While he was still in his bedroom, Adam, against all advice of the well-meaning friends, had burst into his room. \u201cPa they took Little Joe and Hoss. We have to go get \u2018em Pa. They need us.\u201d Just as he was trying to comprehend what Adam was saying, Paul Martin and Roy Coffee had arrived. Upon hearing what had happened, Roy Coffee immediately took charge of the people trying to help the family, and Paul Martin went to retrieve first Hoss, and then Little Joe.<\/p>\n
When he drove toward the Hopkin\u2019s house where Hoss had been sent, Paul Martin met Hoss walking down the road. Hoss had always been shy around Dr. Martin and had avoided making eye contact with him, but when he recognized Dr. Martin, without hesitation he said, \u201cDoctor Martin will you take me to the Landers\u2019 to get my little brother?\u201d Hoss and Paul had gone together to get Little Joe. They heard him before the buggy even stopped in front of the Lander\u2019s house. His voice was hoarse, but he was still screaming, \u201ctake me to my Mama right now!\u201d When the door was opened and Joe saw Hoss, he made a run for him and Hoss grabbed hold of him and picked him up. Without a word to anyone else, Hoss carried his sobbing brother to the buggy to wait for Dr. Martin to take them home. When Paul brought them home he had told Ben that he wasn\u2019t sure who was more relieved to see Hoss\u2014Joe or the Landers.<\/p>\n
After that, no one attempted to separate the three sons from their father. Ben and Adam tried to keep check on their own emotions to be strong for Hoss and Little Joe. Hoss also tried to be brave and strong. Since picking up his brother at the Lander\u2019s house, he wouldn\u2019t let him out of his sight. With Paul\u2019s assistance, Ben was able to sit down and explain to Little Joe that his mother was dead. Upon Paul\u2019s advice, he kept the explanation short and simple. When Joe asked him, for the dozenth time and he knew he couldn\u2019t stall any longer, Ben said, \u201cCome here, Joe. Hoss, you and Adam, too, please.\u201d With his voice breaking and tears in his eyes, he said, \u201cBoys, your mother had an accident this morning. Her horse stumbled and fell on her. She died instantly.\u201d By this time, Adam and Hoss were crying, watching Little Joe to see how he would respond. Joe was watching them, his green eyes wide as he tried to figure out what that meant. For a few minutes, he didn\u2019t say anything and Ben thought he must understand. Then Little Joe said, \u201cMama will have to ride Sally again when she comes home, won\u2019t she Papa?\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite repeated attempts by all of them to make Little Joe understand what death meant, he persisted in believing that she would be coming back. He was sad that she was gone and confused over all the goings-on in the house and all the people. He found some solace in Hop Sing’s kitchen. Joe had discovered that while everyone else was treating him like a baby or something, Hop Sing treated him like usual, although he seemed to have a cold or something and his eyes were all watery. When he was not in the immediate presence of one of his brothers or his father, he was with Hop Sing in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
Hop Sing had arranged all their clothes for the funeral, shined their shoes, and starched and ironed their shirts. He volunteered to get Little Joe dressed while Ben and Adam and Hoss got dressed. Joe was extremely irritable that morning. Hop Sing knew that although he didn\u2019t understand all the implications of what it meant to \u201cdie\u201d or to be \u201cdead\u201d, Little Joe was aware that it was not good and he was becoming increasingly insistent that his mother come home. He refused to listen anymore when his family or Doc Martin or Hop Sing tried to explain to him. Hop Sing believed that Little Joe did understand but did not want to believe it could be true. He thought to himself that he was like in his mother in so many ways.<\/p>\n
Although later he realized that it had been a sunny day, Ben\u2019s recollection of the day of the funeral was of a gray, dreary, sunless day, filled with dark shadows and cold winds and eerie sounds. Somehow they all managed to get dressed and into the over-sized buggy to go to the burial site for the graveside service. Hop Sing lifted Joe into his Papa\u2019s arms and turned to go toward another buggy to make the trip, but Ben reached out and grabbed his arm and said, \u201cThe family is all riding in this buggy, Hop Sing . Sit here by me and Joe.\u201d Hop Sing nodded his head and climbed into the buggy. Hoss and Adam were sitting on one seat of the buggy; Ben, holding Joe, and Hop Sing sat on the other. A neighbor was driving the buggy. No one spoke on the way to the lake. There were frequent sounds of sniffing, nose blowing, and an occasional choked sob.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Two<\/strong><\/p>\nLittle Joe kept his head buried in his father\u2019s arms, pretending to be asleep. He knew what they were saying about his Mama, but it couldn\u2019t be true. His Mama had promised him she would always be with him. He could hear her laughing and telling him that \u201cYou are my little boy and I will always be your Mama.\u201d How could she be his Mama if she weren\u2019t here? Why doesn\u2019t Papa just go find her and bring her home? He had been so sure at first, but now, he was beginning to have doubts. What if they were right? What if she didn\u2019t come back? The longer this went on the more worried he became. Well they could just say whatever they wanted to, he knew his Mama wouldn\u2019t leave him and as soon as all these people left, he would just go find her. All these thoughts and emotions went through his head as they made that trip to the lake.<\/p>\n
When they reached the lake, Papa spoke to him, \u201cSon, come on now, we have to get out here and go say goodbye to Mama.\u201d As his father spoke, Joe saw the tears streaming down his father\u2019s eyes and then he looked at Adam and Hoss\u2014both of them were openly crying. Hop Sing, with his arms around Hoss and Adam, was crying. Joe\u2019s world was starting to cave in on him, but his stubbornness and his strong will to deny the awful reality was not yet ready to crumble. He watched his family with his green eyes wide and his face pale, but he said nothing and he didn\u2019t cry. His father put him down on the ground and holding tightly to his hand, with one arm around Hoss, who was holding on to Adam, began to walk toward the spot where all the people were standing, looking at them. Joe began to drag his feet, trying to stop the forward progress. Hop Sing grabbed hold of his other hand and Joe was pulled along. But every step closer to the group of people they took, the more panic Joe began to experience.<\/p>\n
Finally they reached the cluster of people and the people parted to let them pass through. His family continued to walk until they reached some chairs that had been placed beside a big black blanket. Reverend Morris was there, holding a Bible and there were flowers all around and everywhere Joe looked were people crying. He saw all of the ranch hands and people from Virginia City and all of Hop Sing\u2019s family. They were all crying. Joe\u2019s head began to swim; things were beginning to swirl around in his head and all he could think of was that he had to make them stop. Reverend Morris began to talk and then the people stopped looking at him and began to listen to Reverend. Joe had no idea what he was talking about but was vaguely aware that he was reading from the Bible.<\/p>\n
At different times while the reverend talked, he heard his brothers crying and he felt, rather than heard, his father crying. Images and sounds swirled faster and faster inside his head. He heard the reverend talking, but he also heard his mother calling him and laughing with him. He saw the crowds of people but he also saw his mother when she played catch with him or when she gave him riding lessons. Finally the Reverend stopped talking and then some big lady with an ugly black dress on got up and sang some church song. The woman\u2019s voice was joined by the sounds of his Mama singing him bedtime stories about someone named Jacque. Even the smells were becoming overwhelming to him as he smelled freshly-turned dirt, like when he and Mama helped Hop Sing in the garden, and he smelled flowers, but he thought he smelled his Mama the way she smelled right after she took a bath and came in and hugged him or when she put on some of that perfume Papa gave her. Joe was becoming increasingly panicked as his senses were bombarded with more sensory stimuli than he could handle. He was beginning to feel like he couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/p>\n
Just as all these sensations were coming to a head, his Papa stood up and pulled on his hand to bring him up. He was trying to make all the feelings go away and hold them off, but he was losing the battle. As he was standing there, he began to sway, ever so slightly, as his legs became weak, like jelly. Still the people kept on, now they were moving the blanket, folding it back, right in front of him. Under that blanket was a hole. He could smell the dirt and it was making him want to throw up. He was barely holding on. Now the people were doing something else. Some men, including Doctor Martin and Sheriff Coffee were walking in two lines, toward the hole, carrying something between them. They walked right up to the hole and then Joe saw that it was a box\u2014a big box made out of wood. The men began to lower the box into the hole with ropes. Finally they got the box into the hole and pulled out the ropes. The Reverend nodded to his Papa. Papa bent down to him and said, \u201cJoseph, it is time to say good bye to Mama now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe looked at his father and then he knew. His eyes widened to maximum size and he gave a shriek that sounded like it came from his very soul, and yanked his arm away from his father and threw himself towards the hole., \u201cMAMA\u201d he cried. If Paul Martin and Adam had not caught him, he would have landed in the hole, on top of the casket. As they caught him and grabbed him back, he caught his father\u2019s eye for a brief second and said, almost inaudibly, \u201cPapa, don\u2019t.\u201d Then mercifully for him, and for his family, he fainted. Ben, despite his own grief, reached for his son and clasped him tightly to his chest, with Adam and Hoss and Hop Sing all clustered tightly around.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Three<\/strong><\/p>\nBen recalled how momentarily, he had envied Little Joe\u2019s unconsciousness; he wished he could have succumbed to the same respite, to escape somehow from the awful reality, too. But somehow he found the strength to hold on. Thinking about it now, he knew that the only thing that kept him from running away and burying himself in his own grief was his three sons who needed him. His thoughts turned to them and he was somehow able to hold his own grief in abeyance so that he could be there for his sons. Adam, at 17 had known more than his share of grief already. His mother, Elizabeth had died in childbirth so he had never known her; things had been very hard for them when Adam was little. Then he met and married Inger and she was a Godsend for both of them, helping to give Adam a sense of security that he as a young father struggling to make a living had not been able to do. He remembered that period as an oasis for him and Adam; one that was intensified by the birth of Hoss. Yet soon again their sorrow was back with Inger\u2019s death. Adam had withdrawn and it was at that point in his young life, that Adam left childhood forever, Ben believed. He knew he was responsible for that, by not realizing that Adam was too young to be so serious and so responsible, but at the time, he himself needed help and he relied too heavily on Adam. That had created problems when he had married Marie and brought her home.<\/p>\n
Ben smiled as he remembered the battles that Marie and Adam had initially. Adam\u2014Cartwright, through and through\u2014stubbornly refused to accept Marie. An ordinary woman would have soon given in and gone swiftly back to New Orleans. But Marie was no ordinary woman. She quickly figured out the situation and met Adam tit for tat in the battle for his acceptance, respect, and ultimately, his love. It had not been pretty to watch and Ben had been at a loss as to how to deal with the situation. Fortunately, Marie did not expect him to solve the problem; in fact in no uncertain terms she had told him to \u201cbutt out\u201d. And that is exactly what he did.<\/p>\n
At times he was afraid that Adam would never come around, but Marie never wavered in her steadfast belief that she would triumph in the battle of wills. Ben still was amazed at the strong will and resolve and belief in herself that Marie Cartwright exhibited. She never lost faith and as things turned out\u2014she was absolutely right. Ben recalled one puzzling conversation he had with Marie over the situation with Adam. \u201cMarie I don\u2019t know what to do. Adam seems to be getting worse instead of better.\u201d Marie had looked at him as if he had three heads and then laughed, that wonderful, heavenly (pun intended), infectious laugh, and said, \u201cWhy you silly goose, can\u2019t you see that victory is almost upon us, darling?\u201d He had thought she was delusional and said so\u2014something he quickly regretted. Marie Cartwright did not like to be told she was wrong and she told him so\u2014loudly and vehemently. He soon admitted the error of his conclusion and apologized profusely. Afterwards, her passion was expressed in their lovemaking, and after, when they were lying in each other\u2019s arms, she told him that she was sure they had just made a new Cartwright. He had thought again she was crazy, but had enough sense to keep it to himself. Once again, she had been correct, because exactly 8 \u00bd months later, she had given birth to Joseph Francis Cartwright, a tiny baby boy, born two weeks early.<\/p>\n
Joseph, named Little Joe by his doting brother, Hoss, was now five years old. It was incredible to Ben that five years had passed. The past five years had unquestionably been the happiest of his life. The birth of Joseph had been the turning point of their lives. It seemed as if fortune had looked upon his birth with good will and blessed them as a family. Adam, who had been warming up to Marie gradually, was completely won over the first time he saw his tiny baby brother. Hoss had also been enraptured by the baby Joseph. Hoss had been a big baby and had been bigger than anyone his own age all his life. By contrast, Little Joe had been a tiny baby who barely weighed 5 pounds at birth and Hoss had been awed by the sight of his tiny brother. Joseph had been a very alert and engaging baby and had captured everyone\u2019s hearts from first glance. He had thrived as a newborn despite his size and quickly demonstrated a distinct and strong personality and temperament. Joseph had inherited both Marie\u2019s features and her personality. His antics over the past five years had kept family life from ever be boring. Despite his stubbornness and fiery temper, there was always more laughter than tears with Little Joe.<\/p>\n
Just like the family, the Ponderosa seemed to flourish after the birth of Little Joe. Ben\u2019s business decisions began to pay off and the Ponderosa empire seemed to grow and prosper on every front. The cattle business multiplied and the herds grew and their reputation for having healthy livestock at a fair price brought them more and more success. The timber business also greatly expanded when silver was discovered in the area, prompting the extreme need for timber to shore up silver mine excavations. Ben\u2019s business investments in San Francisco also were successful and it seemed as though the sacrifice and struggles they had early on were finally over.<\/p>\n
All the memories of the past five years passed through Ben\u2019s mind in rapid succession. How could it have really been five years since Joseph was born? So much had happened in that time. So many good things, so much love. His heart broke as he realized that it was all over now. How could 5 years be enough to last them for a lifetime? He had thought he and Marie would raise their sons together, build the Ponderosa ever stronger together, grow old together, and play with their grandchildren together. He felt again that stab of pain, as if someone had actually stuck a knife into his heart. He was so afraid. How could he go on? How could he go on living without the woman that had made it all worthwhile and so wonderful? His grief and sorrow over the loss was too much to bear. He didn\u2019t think he could do it. He knew he couldn\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n
Then, as he was sitting there, Little Joe moaned in his sleep, halfway between a cry and a word. Ben looked over at his son. Joe was restless, as usual; he had always been a restless sleeper. Like Marie, he was always in a hurry as if he didn\u2019t want to miss a single experience in life. He fought sleep and when he slept, it was active sleep. Ben moved over and readjusted his blanket and his pillow to make him more comfortable. He stood looking down at his son\u2014with the same soft, curly and sometimes unruly hair and sparkling green-gold eyes, dark eyelashes, and small, delicate features of his mother. He looked so innocent in his sleep. Joe had known no real sorrow in his life. Unlike his brothers, he had had the security of two loving parents, two doting older brothers, and an adoring Hop Sing. Not to mention the many trusted and indulgent ranch hands and family friends, always willing to listen to him or play with him. He had not had to live through times when there were severe financial difficulties, the doubts about what they were doing, and the conflicts brought about by insecurity and hardships. Whereas Adam had known too much tragedy and loss already and Hoss who had known some; this little boy\u2019s world had been steady and secure. His biggest concern had been getting into trouble sometimes over his pranks, his stubbornness, or his quick temper. He was totally unprepared to deal with sorrow and loss. How would he handle it?<\/p>\n
As Ben stood at his son\u2019s bedside, watching him twist and turn in his sleep, tears streamed down his face. He felt the weight of the world upon his own shoulders at that moment, because he recognized that it was up to him to see to it that Joe was not destroyed by the loss of his mother. He could not give into his own grief\u2014he had to do whatever it took to make up for the loss of Marie to Joe and to Hoss and Adam, as well. It was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done in his life not only because he didn\u2019t know how to do that, but also because it would require him to face his own grief and sorrow head-on, deal with it, and then let it go. He HAD to do this. He could do nothing less because he knew that Marie would expect him to do this. She had been so proud of her family, especially this little boy, so much like her. She would expect Ben to be more than a father\u2014she would expect him to be everything that the two of them would have been together. Standing there, by his son\u2019s bedside, he vowed to God and to Marie that he would do whatever it took to restore the sense of security and family that they had before she was killed.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Four<\/strong><\/p>\nBen reflected on the days since the funeral and was not pleased with the way things had gone. Since the funeral, they had not had one meal eaten as a family. Hoss and Adam and he had eaten together a couple of times, but so far Joe had not eaten a regular meal. Either he or Hop Sing had had to coax him to eat at all. After he had aroused after he fainted at the graveside, Paul had given him a sedative because he had become increasingly hysterical and out of control. He had then fallen into a deep sleep, sleeping for 12 hours. Since that time when he was awake, he would either cry for Marie or just stare at the wall or ceilings, ignoring their attempts to talk to him. The very next time he slept, the nightmares had begun and every night since it had been the same. Joe had had nightmares before but it was always Marie who could comfort him and make the bad dreams go away. These bad dreams were especially hard to deal with because they just further illustrated his loss.<\/p>\n
Adam had assumed the role of caring for Hoss and together they were doing the chores and Adam was even directing the ranch hands. Adam was withdrawing into himself and the routine matters of the ranch, much as he had done when Inger had died. Hoss was trying so hard to take care of Little Joe that he was ignoring his own grief. Sighing, Ben knew that they all had a lot of grief to bear and that it would be more easily born if they did it together, despite their individual efforts to bear it alone. He would have to change that tendency to keep their own grief hidden away if they were to become strong and survive this tragedy.<\/p>\n
Ben went to his own room, bathed, shaved, and dressed and headed downstairs. He was determined to start getting back to as near normal as possible and they would start with eating breakfast as a family this morning. He knew that Joseph would be the most challenging problem, but that Adam and Hoss also needed support for their own grief. He was determined that this time, the four of them would face this together and although it was going to be hard, that, together, they could survive.<\/p>\n
He walked downstairs and into the kitchen. Hop Sing was in the kitchen, drinking tea and looked surprised to see him. \u201cGood morning, Hop Sing.\u201d He said, smiling at Hop Sing \u201cDo you think you could have breakfast ready in about thirty minutes?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
Smiling, Hop Sing replied, \u201cBreakfast for four?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Hop Sing, breakfast for four.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want me to go get little boy up?\u201d Hop Sing asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Hop Sing. Thanks, but I will go get the boys up. You just get some breakfast ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hop Sing was already pulling out pans and stoking up the fire in the woodstove. \u201cHop Sing make veddy good bleakfast. Be ready in no time.\u201d<\/p>\n
In his reverie, Ben had recalled a conversation with Marie about dealing with Little Joe, who from infancy had proven to be both a challenge and a joy to deal with. She had told him that one of the most important things she did to make life easier on Little Joe, herself, the rest of the family, and the world at large was to stick to a routine. She had said that it reassured him when some things were always the same. It had occurred to him that perhaps if they got back into as close to their normal routine as possible right away, that that may give Joe some reassurance that his world would still be somewhat the same as before. That was what prompted him to insist on a family breakfast and they may as well start it today. It was not going to be any easier to face tomorrow.<\/p>\n
With that in mind, he headed up the stairs. He stopped first at Adam\u2019s door and knocked softly, then entered the room. Adam was still in bed, but was awake. \u201cMorning, Son.\u201d Ben said. Adam was clearly surprised to see his father, and immediately assumed there was another problem. Ben, seeing the consternation on his face, went to him quickly and said, \u201ceverything is fine, Adam. I just wanted to let you know that breakfast will be ready in 30 minutes. We are eating together this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam raised an eyebrow and pointed his head in the direction of Little Joe\u2019s room and said, \u201cJoe, too, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, of course, Joe too, Adam. We need to be together.\u201d He put his arm around Adam and hugged him and said, \u201cSon, we all will get through this together. I appreciate your help with your brothers, but I want you to know that I am here for you, too.\u201d Adam found himself unable to speak; he was so choked with emotion. He knew then that his father was going to be okay and if his father was going to be okay, they all would be okay, too. He felt hopeful for the first time since Marie died.<\/p>\n
Ben left Adam to get dressed and went over to Hoss\u2019 room. Hoss\u2019 room was empty, though his bed had been slept in. Ben knew without any real thought that he would find Hoss in Joe\u2019s room. He quickly crossed the hall and sure enough, there was Hoss sitting in the chair by the side of Joe\u2019s bed. Ben thought that this must be what a picture of a guardian angel would look like. Hoss looked at his Pa when he walked into the room and Ben saw that he had been crying. He went immediately to him and hugged him tight. Hoss clung to him and cried silently.<\/p>\n
Ben gently led Hoss back into his own room, so as not to wake Little Joe up yet. Once inside the room, he took Hoss\u2019s chin and pulled it so that he was looking directly into his eyes. Hoss\u2019 crystal blue eyes were red-rimmed and the twinkle had faded. \u201cHoss, I know how much you loved Marie, and you know how much she loved you. We are all going to miss her, but together we will be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Pa, me and Adam we\u2019ll be all right. But Little Joe, Pa. He\u2019s only a little boy, Pa, and he loved her so much. What are we gonna do for him, Pa?\u201d Hoss\u2019 face was contorted with grief and despair.<\/p>\n
\u201cHoss it will be hard for Little Joe, as it will for all of us, and we are gonna have to help him the best we can. But we can do this together\u2014we are still a family and there is still plenty enough love in this family to go around.\u201d He hugged Hoss again and looked earnestly at Hoss and he thought he saw just a spark of the usual light in his eyes. \u201cNow then young man, you better get dressed so you won\u2019t be late for breakfast. You sure don\u2019t want to make Hop Sing mad, do you?\u201d Ben said, giving Hoss a gentle shove. \u201cI have to go tangle with that grizzly bear sleeping in your brother\u2019s room.\u201d Ben said this with more confidence than he really felt. Hoss laughed slightly at the reference to Joe as a grizzly bear, which was what Marie called Little Joe in the mornings.<\/p>\n
Ben didn\u2019t bother to knock at Little Joe\u2019s door. Instead he gently opened the door and walked softly back into the room of his youngest son. His heart constricted at the sight of him, for all the world like his mother in appearance and personality. He was turned on his side, all his covers were on the floor and he looked so young, angelic, and so vulnerable. He almost got caught up in his thinking of the night before about why this had to happen, but he shook it off and made himself go on. He leaned over and brushed the curls off his son\u2019s forehead and said softly, \u201cJoseph, it is time to wake up.\u201d As he expected, Joe immediately rolled over and continued sleeping. Ben again called him and this time, gently shook his shoulder, getting pretty much the same response. Ben continued his efforts to wake Joe, getting a little more aggressive and persistent at each attempt, until finally, Joe was forced to open his eyes and acknowledge the intrusion on his sleep.<\/p>\n
He looked up with his eyes half open at first, then seeing his father, he smiled and his whole face lit up. Ben knew that for the moment he had forgotten about Marie\u2019s death, but his own heart nearly burst when he saw that smile and his immediate response was to smile back at his son. He opened up his arms and Little Joe climbed into them.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Pa.\u201d He said happily.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, yourself, son.\u201d Then, in an instant, the smile was gone from Joe\u2019s face and the light went out of his eyes. His countenance changed from that of a happy five year old, to that of someone who knew he was mortally wounded, but was not quite dead yet.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s time to get up and get dressed, Joe. Hop Sing has breakfast almost ready.\u201d Ben said, trying to sound positive and reassuring.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ain\u2019t hungry, Pa. I don\u2019t want nothin\u2019 to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben was at a loss as to what to do. Without thinking, he hugged the little boy in his arms tightly to his chest and said, \u201cIt\u2019s gonna be all right, Joe. It\u2019s gonna be all right, son.\u201d Joe clung to his father tightly and Ben could feel his body trembling. \u201cSon, it\u2019s gonna be all right\u201d he repeated. Still Joe didn\u2019t say anything. Ben held him for a while longer, then said, \u201cCome on now, let\u2019s get you dressed and go downstairs for breakfast before Hoss eats it all.\u201d He had hoped to get a little smile out of Joe, but his facial expression didn\u2019t change.<\/p>\n
He let Ben get him dressed, offering no resistance, but no assistance either. As he was dressing him, Ben knew that he and Joe were both thinking about the rows he and Marie had had over getting him dressed in the mornings. Joe had always been very particular about what he wore every day and sometimes his choices didn\u2019t meet with her approval and they would engage in a battle of wills. Ben had once asked her why she didn\u2019t just let him wear what he wanted to wear, since it didn\u2019t really matter. She had informed him that the struggle had nothing to do with the clothes he wore, but everything to do with who was in charge and she wasn\u2019t about to let him be in charge at that early an age, or they would have big troubles in a couple of years.<\/p>\n
Finally, Joe was dressed and Ben took him by the hand and led him downstairs. When they got to the stairs, Ben saw that Hoss and Adam were at the table and Hop Sing was waiting to serve. They headed toward the table and as they got to the table, Ben saw Joe\u2019s attention focus on the now-empty chair at the opposite end of the table from his own place. He could have kicked himself; maybe he should have moved Marie\u2019s chair. He picked Joe up and deposited him in his chair, then took his own seat. \u201cMorning, boys. Morning, Hop Sing. You have some food for some hungry men?\u201d he asked trying to lighten the atmosphere. Hoss and Adam hadn\u2019t said anything as they had watched Joe stare as if entranced, at his mother\u2019s empty chair. But hearing their father trying to make conversation, they picked up on his cue and smiled and started to try to make light conversation.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey little brother, \u2018bout time you got up. I was afraid Hoss was gonna eat everything up.\u201d Adam said, smiling at Joe.<\/p>\n
Hoss pretended to be insulted and said, \u201cNow Adam you know I woulda saved somethin\u2019 for Joe. Now you, that\u2019s a different matter, ain\u2019t it, Short Shanks?\u201d Hoss asked, using his pet name for Little Joe.<\/p>\n
Joe didn\u2019t answer either of them, nor did he seem to even hear them. He sat there in his chair, staring at his mother\u2019s empty chair, his eyes brimming with tears. But he said nothing. Hop Sing came around and brought him a glass of milk and poured Adam, Ben, and Hoss a cup of coffee. He then placed platters of scrambled eggs, bacon, hashed brown potatoes, and biscuits on the table. Then he went back to the kitchen, saying \u201cI have surprise for Little Joe.\u201d And returned quickly with a platter of pancakes and a pitcher of syrup.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey lookit that, Short Shanks, flapjacks\u2014your favorite!\u201d Hoss said. Hop Sing placed three pancakes on Joe\u2019s plate, then placed a large mound of creamy, homemade butter on top and then drenched the stack with syrup.<\/p>\n
When Hop Sing had brought in all the food, he withdrew to the kitchen and Ben said, \u201cWell what are we waiting for? Let\u2019s eat.\u201d Then there was an awkward pause, because at that point, Marie always said, \u201cFirst we must thank God for our wonderful blessings.\u201d Ben recovered and attempted to move forward, but it was too late. Little Joe gave a sob that he couldn\u2019t suppress and got up and ran from the table, heading out the front door. Ben, Adam, and Hoss all gave each other the same devastated look and leaped up from the table. Ben said, \u201cYou two go ahead and eat and I will go to Joe. I want to talk to you later though, so please stick around the house today. Adam, would you tell Charlie that I want to meet with him some time this morning, too please?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure Pa.\u201d Adam said. He and Hoss sat back down and after glancing at the three empty seats at the table shook their heads sadly. Then they both said at the same time, \u201cIt\u2019ll be all right.\u201d Each anxious to reassure the other. When they both said the same thing at the same time, they kind of smiled and then began to eat their breakfast.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Five<\/strong><\/p>\nLittle Joe ran blindly out the front door with no destination in mind; with no thought in mind. He didn\u2019t know if he were running to something or running from something. He saw some of the ranch hands in front of the barn, so he turned to the right and ran around the side of the kitchen, past the vegetable garden that he and his Mama had just been working in last week, and kept running. He ran past the clearing and on towards the pine thicket on the other side. He vaguely heard someone calling his name, but it didn\u2019t filter through to his mind. He continued to run until, finally, he could run no more and he collapsed on a big rock outcropping near a small stream of cold water coming down from the mountains from the melting snows. He huddled in a heap on the rock and cried his heart out.<\/p>\n
Ben followed Joe as quickly as he could; despite the age difference, Ben Cartwright was a strong, energetic, and vigorous man. He heard Joe before he got to him, and his heart beat faster when he heard him. He wanted so much to ease the suffering of his little boy. When he caught sight of Little Joe, he stopped for a minute to get his breath and collect his thoughts. He looked heavenward and said softly, \u201c\u201cMarie, please help me do this right.\u201d Then he went to Joseph and pulled him onto his lap and hugged him close. He didn\u2019t try to stop Joe\u2019s tears, figuring that he needed to cry. He gently rocked him and waited and before he knew it, he was crying himself. After a while, Joe\u2019s sobs began to decrease and eventually they tapered off. Father and Son continued to sit there, as their tears decreased until they were finally able to talk.<\/p>\n
Joe spoke first, \u201cPapa why did Mama leave me?\u201d he looked at his father and his eyes were wide and innocent and so grief-filled, that Ben had to force down more tears himself in order to answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, Mama didn\u2019t want to leave us. It was just an accident.\u201d \u201cBut Papa, if it was an accident, why doesn\u2019t she just come back?\u201d he asked, his voice sincere. Joe was too young to fully understand the finality of death and he figured that if it were an accident, then it could be fixed. He was accustomed to his Papa or his Mama being able to fix anything and to make all things right in his world.<\/p>\n
\u201cJoe, son, Mama is in Heaven and when you go to heaven, you can\u2019t come back. But one day we will go to Heaven too, and then we will be with her again. She is waiting for us there.\u201d Ben said to reassure Joe.<\/p>\n
Joe looked at him and said, \u201cPapa let\u2019s go today then. I want my Mama now.\u201d His face was so earnest and Ben saw just a flicker of hope in those eyes of his mothers. He realized that he was probably handling this all wrong and again he pleaded silently for Marie to send him the right words to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cSon, we don\u2019t get to choose when we die and go to Heaven. We don\u2019t know when that day will come. We have to wait.\u201d<\/p>\n
The small glint of hope left Joe\u2019s eyes again and something else took its place. \u201cPapa I want my Mama. I want her to come back to me or I want to go where she is now!\u201d Joe said with the beginnings of anger.<\/p>\n
Ben was having a very hard time with this conversation and he knew he was not going to be able to make Joe fully understand in one conversation. He was too young, too innocent, and too determined. He tried to think what Marie would have said to him. \u201cJoe do you know how much your Mama loved you?\u201d Ben looked at his son and waited for Joe to answer. When no answer was forthcoming, he repeated his question; \u201cDo you know how much Mama loved you, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe\u2019s eyes filled with tears again and he nodded his head and said, \u201cI guess so, Papa.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I\u00a0KNOW<\/strong>\u00a0how much she loved you, Joe. She loved you more than anything or anybody in the world. She was so proud of you and wanted so much for you.\u201d Joe interrupted him, \u201cbut now she\u2019s gone, Papa,\u201d crying again. \u201cJoe, Mama is not gone, not really. Mama is still with you\u2014with all of us.\u201d He saw that he had Joe\u2019s full attention now.<\/p>\n\u201cWhere Papa? I don\u2019t see her,\u201d Joe said, looking around them.<\/p>\n
\u201cMama is right here,\u201d he said, touching Joe\u2019s chest, over his heart. \u201cAnd she is right here\u201d he said, touching his own heart with Joe\u2019s hand. \u201cNow Mama will be with us\u2014with all of us\u2014every single minute. No matter where you are or what you are doing, Mama is right here with you\u201d he again touched Joe\u2019s heart and then he touched his head and said, \u201cShe is also right here, Joe. Every time you think about Mama she is right here with you.<\/p>\n
Joe was thinking about what he said, Ben could tell. He decided that perhaps that was enough for right now, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean handkerchief and said, \u201cHere, let me wipe that face, son.\u201d He wiped his face, then gave Joe the handkerchief and said, \u201cNow, blow that nose, Joe.\u201d And he did. Then he got up from where they had been sitting, still holding Joseph. He then put him down on the ground beside him and holding his hand firmly, said, \u201cNow then let\u2019s go see if Hop Sing saved some of those flapjacks.\u201d And with that, he began to walk back toward the house, bringing the undecided Joe along with him. Ben knew that there would be more questions and more tears but he felt that at least he had made a start in the right direction. He sighed, thinking of how far they would have to go and how difficult the way would be.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Six<\/strong><\/p>\nSomething had been nagging the back of Ben\u2019s mind all morning. Something besides the ache he felt in every fiber of his being. He had managed to talk to Charlie and go over some details of some upcoming projects that were scheduled for the Ponderosa. Charlie had volunteered to take care of getting the jobs done and said he would let Ben know if there were any problems on the ranch. He would have preferred to throw himself into ranch work completely and let his weariness at night make him sleep, instead of lying in the bed that would never again hold Marie. But he didn\u2019t have just himself to think about\u2013he had to put his son\u2019s welfare above his own. He had to think of Joe, and Hoss and Adam, who were suffering too. Joe\u2019s sorrow was easily seen, but Adam and Hoss tried to be brave and pretend they were all right. Adam was quiet, serious, and focused on taking care of Hoss and Joe. Hoss was the same way, though he couldn\u2019t hide his sadness as well as Adam. Both of them hurting so bad themselves, but wanting to help their little brother. Ben\u2019s heart was heavy from the burden of knowing that somehow he had to help heal himself and his sons.<\/p>\n
Adam and Hoss had taken charge of Little Joe when he and Ben had returned. After he talked with Charlie and made plans for the immediate running of the ranch, he sat alone on the side verandah of the house. This was a private place, not seen by visitors and not used for entertaining. It was his and Marie\u2019s special place. He sat there surrounded by the flowers that she lovingly planted, watered, and weeded. The air was fragrant with the heavy smells of jasmine, gardenias, and snapdragons. He knew the names because she had told him all the names and what kind of soil, how much sun, and how much water they required. He intended to care for this garden himself, and let Hop Sing care for the big garden that she and he had planted together. Sitting there, he felt that at any moment, Marie would come running up to him, excited about some new flower or something Little Joe had done or that Hoss or Adam had said. He closed his eyes and he could see her, smell her; he reached out his hand, halfway expecting to touch her. But his hand merely moved through empty air, giving him another pang of sorrow.<\/p>\n
As he sat, he recalled conversations they had had recently, the conversations running together in his mind\u2014the way conversations with her tended to go\u2014fast and changing subject quickly. Then all of a sudden he remembered what had been nagging him all day. Tomorrow was Hoss\u2019 12th<\/sup>\u00a0birthday. Marie had planned to have a family party with Hoss\u2019 favorite meal and a huge coconut birthday cake with homemade ice cream for dessert. He recalled the argument he and she had had over the choice of birthday gifts for Hoss. She had had some silly notion about giving him a fancy engraved watch but he had told her Hoss was too young and too irresponsible for such an expensive gift. He had insisted upon a more serviceable plain watch and a new rifle. He had picked out the rifle and she had wrapped it. She had wrapped the watch too. Now he wished he had not argued with her over something as silly as which watch to purchase. He chided himself, \u201cWhat possible difference could it have made if we spent a little bit more for the watch?\u201d Well, it was too late for that, but it wasn\u2019t too late for the birthday cake and party.<\/p>\nHe went inside and talked to Hop Sing about a birthday celebration for Hoss tomorrow evening. He could at least let Hoss know, and Joe and Adam, too, that some things would go on as before. Hop Sing was glad to hear that he was going on with the party. He had thought about it, but didn\u2019t know whether to bring it up or not. Hop Sing knew that it would mean a lot to Hoss and to the whole family, too. Ben told him that there would be no other guests invited, however. He didn\u2019t think anyone of them was up to visitors yet. Hop Sing told him that lunch was ready and asked him to bring in the boys. Ben left Hop Sing busily planning for the coming feast, talking of chicken and dumplings, fried chicken, and fresh-grated coconut cake.<\/p>\n
He went out to see where the boys were and found them out at the first corral. Hoss and Adam were trying to get Joe interested in the new horses they had just bought from the Lazy L Ranch, but Joe was clearly not paying attention. Hoss was inside the corral, and Adam was standing beside the fence. Joe was sitting on the top rail of the fence. Adam was close beside him, ready to keep him from falling, but not quite touching him. When they saw him walk up, Adam looked up and the relief on his face was evident. He and Hoss had been trying, but the situation was difficult for them all. He walked on over and spoke before he came right up to the fence, \u201cthose are some mighty fine looking horses you got there Hoss. How \u2019bout that little pony over there? He looks real fine, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hoss replied, \u201cYes sir, Pa. That\u2019s a fine lookin\u2019 pony. Make a mighty good riding pony, I bet.\u201d Little Joe had been begging for a riding pony for the better part of a year now and they had hoped to spark some interest, but he continued to sit there, hearing them, but not really hearing them.<\/p>\n
Ben decided to try another strategy, he put his arms around Joe and swung him down from the fence and on top of his shoulders, the way he loved. This usually elicited shouts of glee from Joe and warnings from Marie to be careful. However, this time, Joe seemed to panic and cried, \u201cPapa NO, put me down!\u201d Ben was shocked; he hadn\u2019t anticipated this reaction at all. He quickly put Little Joe down on the ground and before he could kneel down to talk to him, Little Joe ran towards the house and went inside, letting the heavy door slam shut. Ben, Hoss and Adam shared a look of common hurt and grief. But for some reason, this shared demonstration of sorrow was somehow reassuring to them all. They were grieving and sad, but they were not alone in their grief. Ben put his arms around his two older sons as they walked towards the house, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be all right boys. We will be all right as long as we stick together.\u201d All three of them had tears in their eyes when they entered the house.<\/p>\n
\u201cPa, let me go see if I can get Joe to come down to eat\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n
Ben\u2019s first response was to go get him himself, but he refrained and told Hoss, \u201cSure, son. That\u2019d probably be a good idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hoss walked upstairs and entered Joe\u2019s room. He didn\u2019t see Joe, but he heard him crying. He looked around and found him beside the dresser and the wall in his room, as if he were hiding in a cave. Hoss sat down and reached over and put his hand on Little Joe\u2019s arms and said, \u201cHey Short Shanks, come on and sit with me.\u201d Joe looked up at Hoss with tear-streaked eyes and with a sob, practically fell into Hoss\u2019 arms. Hoss just held him, much the same way his father had until Joe\u2019s cries gradually subsided. Hoss then quietly handed Joe his handkerchief and Joe dutifully blew his nose. \u201cJoe, I know you miss Mama. So do I.\u201d He said. Joe looked at Hoss and then put his arms around his brother and gave him a big squeeze, in recognition that Hoss missed Mama too.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnytime you want to talk about Mama or if you are missing her real bad, you just come to me, ya hear? And we can help each other. Promise me, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI promise, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCross your heart?\u201d Hoss continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cCross my heart, I won\u2019t lie, stick a needle in my eye.\u201d Joe completed the pledge.<\/p>\n
When he finished they each spat in their hands, then rubbed their hands together. They didn\u2019t know that Ben and Adam had come up to see how it was going and observed them take the oath. \u201cNow come on, Joe, lunch is ready and I am getting\u2019 hungry.\u201d He grabbed up Joe and Joe gave a slight giggle. Ben and Adam carefully backed out of the doorway and went quickly down the stairs toward the dining room table. When Hoss came downstairs followed by Joe, Ben reminded them to go wash their hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cAw Pa we washed \u2019em at breakfast and we ain\u2019t got \u2019em dirty\u201d Hoss complained.<\/p>\n
Ben repressed a smile and said, \u201cNever-the-less, I would prefer it if you would wash up.\u201d Hoss shrugged and headed on to the kitchen, Joe right behind him. Ben and Adam shared a slight smile.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Seven<\/strong><\/p>\nThe rest of the day passed relatively quietly for the Cartwrights. Ben suggested that they go riding over to Spring Creek meadows to look at the herd there. Ben let Little Joe ride his pony and ride in front of the rest on the trails, something that made Little Joe happy. He took the time to talk to both Adam and Hoss to see if he could tell how they were doing. All three of them moved around the conversation somewhat awkwardly. They each wanted to comfort the others, but they didn\u2019t know how. But they were each comforted by the attempts of the other person anyway.<\/p>\n
They spent the afternoon riding and the natural beauty of the surrounding areas and the warm sunshine and cool breeze both comforted and saddened them. They all thought how much Marie would have loved this excursion and this day. She, of course, wouldn\u2019t have been content to ride along slowly, she would have been right up there, riding with Little Joe and going faster and faster. As painful as the memories were, they seemed to hurt less and bring some solace now, whereas a few days ago, the memories only brought more pain.<\/p>\n
They were late getting home and Little Joe was almost too sleepy to make the ride home, yet he refused to double up with his father so he could sleep, refusing to admit that he was sleepy. When they got home, Ben sent Joe to get ready for bed while Hop Sing warmed their dinner. When he didn\u2019t reappear in the normal amount of time, Adam went upstairs to check on him and found him asleep, on top of the comforter, with his mother\u2019s picture clutched in his hands. Adam gently moved him under the covers and positioned him comfortably, leaving the picture of Marie in his hands.<\/p>\n
The three older Cartwrights ate dinner alone that night. Soon after eating, Hoss said he was tired and retired to his room.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, do you know what day tomorrow is?\u201d Ben asked as soon as Hoss had gone upstairs.<\/p>\n
Adam thought for a moment, looking puzzled at first, then his eyes opened wide in recollection; \u201cHoss\u2019 12th<\/sup>\u00a0birthday is tomorrow, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cYes, Son, it is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPa what are we going to do? Marie was going to give him a party.\u201d Adam said, cautiously saying her name out loud and watching his father\u2019s reaction. He wasn\u2019t sure it was safe to say it out loud yet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I don\u2019t think we are up to a big party, but I did speak to Hop Sing about a special dinner and birthday cake and homemade ice cream. And I have the presents that\u2026..that Marie and I had selected for him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a present for him, too.\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell we will just have a family celebration then.\u201d Ben said, satisfied.<\/p>\n
\u201cPa, what about inviting Sheriff Coffee? And maybe Doc Martin?\u201d Adam asked, thinking that may make it easier for his father.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Son, I think it would be better if it were just the four of us and Hop Sing. That is going to be our family now and we need\u2026..We need some time to get comfortable with it. Do you understand, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Pa, I understand.\u201d Adam replied and reached over and put his hand on Ben\u2019s shoulder. Ben looked up into the eyes of his oldest son and saw; perhaps for the first time, a grown man, his son\u2026.his friend. He reached over and father and son embraced.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, I\u2026\u2026..\u201d Ben started, but was unable to complete the sentence.<\/p>\n
But Adam understood and interjected, \u201cI understand Pa. I know how hard it is for you, too. Please let me help you anyway I can, and that will help me, too. We are all going to miss her so much Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI appreciate you, Adam.\u201d Was all Ben could get out, but he knew that Adam knew that and much more.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
The household was again wakened by the terrified screams of Little Joe, but his father got to him and held him until the nightmares faded and sleep triumphed. He was actually surprised that he was only awakened once by the nightmares\u2013that was an improvement. Ben realized that it had been almost three weeks since Marie had died. It seemed like it was just yesterday, judging by the hurt he still felt, but it surprised him, too, that it had been so long. As dawn\u2019s pink light overtook the black of night and the shadows receded as the light moved in, Ben felt a hint of enthusiasm for the day. That was a feeling that he had expected to never feel again and offered a short prayer to God for giving him the strength to get through the past few weeks somehow. Then he got up, shaved, bathed, and dressed and then went downstairs for breakfast.<\/p>\n
He and Adam had concocted a plan to get Hoss and Joe out of the house so that Ben and Hop Sing could get everything ready for Hoss\u2019 birthday party that afternoon. Adam told Hoss that Pa was going to be busy and needed them to watch Little Joe for the day, so they together decided to take him to work with them. This was something that Little Joe was always begging them to let him do, so they expected no resistance. But when the time came for them to go, Little Joe seemed reluctant to leave his father. They could tell that he wanted to go, but something was stopping him, making him ambivalent. They convinced him that they needed his help and to clinch the deal, Adam told him he could ride Bandit, one of the feistier ponies. That indeed, clinched the deal, but just as they were getting ready to leave, Joe went running up to Ben, his arms outstretched. Ben reached down and picked him up in a bear hug, surprised to see that Little Joe was crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cJoseph. What\u2019s wrong Son?\u201d Ben asked, alarmed and confused.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you to leave me, Papa, not like\u2026\u2026\u201d he couldn\u2019t continue for the tears and sobs that wracked his body.<\/p>\n
\u201cJoe, I am not going to leave you, Son. I\u2019ll be right here when you return.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Papa Mama said she would be back too and she didn\u2019t come back.\u201d Joe continued to cry. Ben changed his mind about the plans.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, you and Hoss go on and finish that job. Joe can stay here and help me today. Okay, Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe\u2019s crying stopped almost instantly, and he gave his Pa a brave smile, despite his snuffles. Adam and Hoss went on and left Ben and Little Joe on the porch, holding hands.<\/p>\n
When Adam and Hoss were out of sight, Ben reached down and swung Little Joe up to his shoulders, without thinking about the consequences from his last attempt to do that until it was too late. This time, however, he was rewarded by the delightful giggle that only could come from Little Joe Cartwright. He spent the morning reading to Little Joe and letting Joe help him with some barn chores and watering the plants in his Mama\u2019s garden. He was glad to have some time alone with his youngest son and to hear Joe resume his nonstop chatter and endless questioning.<\/p>\n
After lunch he told Joe what their plans for the afternoon was and was gratified to see the light and sparkle come back into Little Joe\u2019s eyes. They spent the afternoon, helping Hop Sing clean up the house. They set the table with Marie\u2019s fine china and crystal and they cut fresh flowers from her garden for the coffee table and for the dining room table. When it was all finished, Little Joe ran to his room and came back with a small, crudely wrapped box with a big bright bow on it.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow what is that you have there, Joe?\u201d He knew what it was, because Marie had told him about Joe\u2019s birthday present for Hoss that he had wrapped himself but had asked her to make a bow for. Joe had spent all his saved up money\u2014$1.67, to buy candy for Hoss. That had amounted to quite a lot of licorice, gumdrops, jelly beans, peppermint sticks, maple taffy, cinnamon balls, rock candy, and caramels. Joe had spent nearly half an hour picking it out, very carefully weighing his selections and indulging in quite a few \u201csamples\u201d to help him decide.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Hoss\u2019 birthday present, Papa.\u201d Ben saw Joe\u2019s face turn suddenly sad, and he waited for Joe to say more. \u201cMama helped me pick it out and I wrapped it, but Mama made the bow Papa. Now we won\u2019t have any bows, Papa, not without Mama.\u201d Joe was about to cry again.<\/p>\n
Ben took him in his arms and said, \u201cJoe, I\u2019ll make you a promise\u2014we WILL have bows if I have to learn to tie \u2019em myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally, Papa?\u201d Joe asked, looking at his father with something like relief in his eyes. Ben knew that the issue with Joe was not really the bows, but the things that bows represented to him\u2014the kinds of things that Marie had done\u2014the little things that made their life more pleasant. He knew that he would have to become more attuned to those kinds of things that he had taken for granted, but had also appreciated.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell if you have already gotten out Hoss\u2019 present, I\u2019d better see about getting out the other gifts, huh? You wait down here; young man and I will go see what I can find. No peeking!\u201d He was rewarded with another giggle from his son, who was always trying to find where presents were hidden at birthdays and Christmas.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
When Adam and Hoss came home, everything was ready. Hop Sing had prepared all of Hoss\u2019 most favorite foods\u2014chicken and dumplings, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, fresh beans, corn, biscuits, and fresh-grated coconut layer cake. Hop Sing had the ice cream churn all ready for ice cream making, right after they ate. When Adam and Hoss came into the house, Little Joe, Ben, and Hop Sing all said \u201cHappy Birthday, Hoss\u201d and hugged him. Adam beamed at him and said, \u201cNow do you see why I couldn\u2019t let you come home early?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hoss was caught completely off guard, he had forgotten his own birthday, and he was touched that despite everything, his family had remembered it. The Cartwrights sat down immediately and everyone ate heartily, even Little Joe ate more than usual, Ben noted. After they ate, Hop Sing brought the ice cream churn into the living room and after padding the top with a thick towel, he gave Joe the job of sitting on the top to make it heavier and Hoss the job of turning the dasher. The recipe was one that Marie had given him and the boys loved it. They also loved to help. Joe usually wanted to turn the churn, but after a couple of turns, he was happy to sit on the top instead. Soon the ice cream churn was harder and harder to turn. Hop Sing took over and soon declared it finished.<\/p>\n
Want the recipe for homemade vanilla ice cream?<\/p>\n
Marie\u2019s French Vanilla Ice Cream<\/p>\n
3 eggs
\n1 cup sugar
\n2 cups cream
\n2 cups milk
\n2 tsp vanilla<\/p>\n
Beat eggs and milk together in large saucepan. Add sugar. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly until thickened (approx. 10 minutes). Mixture should smoothly coat the spoon. Cool, then add cream and vanilla.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow I pack in ice, let set little while. Then we eat birthday cake and ice cream,\u201d he said, removing the churn to the kitchen.<\/p>\n
Ben said \u201cWell, Little Joe do you think you could bring in those presents, Son?\u201d Little Joe happily complied and ran to get them. Adam got up and went to his room to retrieve his present for Hoss. Hoss looked at his Pa and said, \u201cThanks, Pa. But you didn\u2019t have to do this. I woulda understood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHoss, nothing is going to keep me from celebrating my son\u2019s birthday! Happy birthday, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then Joe and Adam came down the steps together. Fortunately as it happened, because Joe was overloaded, trying to carry three presents in one trip and not watching where he was going, he tripped and would have fallen, but Adam was there to catch him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere, Hoss, open mine first\u201d Little Joe said in his excitement. \u201cI bet you can\u2019t guess what it is!\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Hoss stared at the box for a minute then said, \u201cWhy I believe it is a new pair of boots, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, Hoss a new pair of boots wouldn\u2019t fit into this box\u201d giggling again. Ben thought that hearing that giggle again was a sign that Little Joe was doing all right.<\/p>\n
Hoss opened the present from Joe and was appropriately enthusiastic about it. He realized that Joe must have spent all his money on him, and he knew that he had chosen the kind of candies just for him. He gave his brother a tight bear hug, and then popped a gumdrop in his mouth to show his appreciation.<\/p>\n
Next he opened the box from Adam, finding a set of woodcarving tools in it. He had always had an interest in whittling or carving wood, so he was pleased with this gift. He gave Adam an appreciative nod, smiling at him.<\/p>\n
The next gift was from his father and it was obviously either a new rifle or a new shotgun, since there was not much to do to disguise a rifle. But he played along with Joe guessing impossible objects, until Little Joe in his excitement untied the bow, allowing the wrapping paper to fall off. The rifle was finely made with a silver inlay with his initials on the stock. \u201cThanks, Pa, that is the one I have been looking at in Harry\u2019s store.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, son, you dropped several very clear hints about that!\u201d Ben said, laughing at the pleasure the rifle had brought Hoss. Finally, the last gift\u2013the one from Marie. Hoss picked it up gingerly and stared at it for a moment with tears in his eyes. Ben said gently, \u201cGo ahead, Hoss, she picked this out for you months ago.\u201d Hoss untied the ribbon and removed the wrapping paper. He let out an enthusiastic whistle when he saw the watch. He had seen that same watch before and wanted to get it, but Pa had said he was not old enough for one like that. Ben was a little confused over Hoss\u2019 exuberance over the watch and leaned over to look at it. Instead of the plain serviceable watch that he and Marie had \u201cagreed\u201d on\u2014it was the fancy pocket watch that Hoss had wanted. \u201cMarie! You sneaky woman you!\u201d he thought to himself. Hoss turned the watch over and read the inscription, \u201cTo Hoss with all my love, Marie\u201d. Underneath the message Hoss\u2019 birthdate was engraved. Hoss and Ben shared a glance at each other and ever so slightly, something passed between them\u2014a common bond, a common emotion, a common determination to remember.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Eight<\/strong><\/p>\nThe rest of the evening was spent in a peaceful and pleasant mood. Hoss and Joe made a big dent in Hoss\u2019 candy, until Ben had to caution them to put it away. Ben and Adam read a little and reminisced a little\u2014but silently. Bedtime came soon and Ben tucked the two younger sons in and then he and Adam shared a final cup of coffee before turning in themselves. As he went upstairs to his own bedroom, Ben checked on both Hoss and Little Joe. Hoss was sleeping soundly, on his back and snoring. Ben found it hard to believe that Hoss was now 12 years old; it seemed like only yesterday Inger had given birth to Hoss. So many things had changed; so much time had passed; yet it seemed like only a moment when he thought about it. He quietly closed the door and went to check on Little Joe.<\/p>\n
Little Joe was also asleep; however the resemblance to his brother\u2019s sleep ended there. Whereas Hoss had been quiet and still in his sleep; Little Joe was active and moving around even in sleep. He had already knocked the comforter off the bed and the top sheet and blanket were tangled around his legs and his feet were sticking out of the cover. Even as Ben stood there watching him, he wasn\u2019t still. He thrashed around in the bed and changed position constantly. Ben straightened out the sheet and blanket and picked the comforter off the floor and covered Little Joe up with it. Instinctively he patted and rubbed Joe on the back and Joe seemed to calm down. Ben stood there quietly, calming his son down for several minutes. He realized that doing this brought as much comfort to him as it did to Joe. Finally, he kissed his son lightly on the forehead, after brushing back an errant curl and turned to leave. He turned the flame down to the lowest level, but didn\u2019t blow it out, so that Joe wouldn\u2019t be in the dark if he awoke. He wondered as he left if he would be awakened soon to terrified screams of a heartbroken and scared little boy.<\/p>\n
Several hours later, Ben was awakened and immediately arose and ran to Little Joe\u2019s room. He was surprised when he got there\u2014Joe\u2019s bed was empty. He realized that the sounds he had heard had not been screams, but the sound of crying\u2013and it was coming from Hoss\u2019 room. He ran to Hoss\u2019 room and opened the door but stopped in the doorway. Hoss was the one crying and Little Joe had climbed into bed with him and was patting his back and talking soothingly to Hoss, exactly as they had been doing for him when he had a nightmare. Ben went over and sat on the bed and took Little Joe in one arm and with the other, he patted Hoss on the back, saying the same things he had said to Little Joe on many occasions. Hoss was in a state between sleep and awake, but his cries were heartbreaking. Ben continued to console him and Hoss also calmed to his father\u2019s touch and soothing voice. When Hoss\u2019 sobs subsided and he was sleeping soundly again, Ben rearranged the covers and tucked him in. He then got up off the bed, holding the now sleeping Little Joe. Ben lit the lamp in Hoss\u2019 room and turned the flame low. He figured that perhaps Hoss needed a little extra light tonight too. He then carried Little Joe back to his room and put him in bed and covered him up. He checked the lamp and left it burning too.<\/p>\n
Ben went back to his own bedroom, but he didn\u2019t get into bed. Instead he sat in his rocking chair for a long time, thinking about the tragedies of his life\u2013first Elizabeth, then Inger, now Marie. Just as he was reaching the point of despair, he noticed a soft breeze coming through the window, gently rustling the curtains that Marie had made. He recalled her saying how she wanted them to be soft enough to move with the breezes and not block the fresh air. He got up and looked out the bedroom window. The moon was full and the Ponderosa courtyard was bathed in soft white light; it appeared to him to be almost shining in the light. He looked at the mountains and pine forests in the distance and his spirits lifted. His thoughts turned, unbidden, to the joys and blessings of his life. He thought of the three sons sleeping in the adjoining bedrooms, of the love he had had for each of their mothers, his love for the three of them, and the love of the Ponderosa. He realized that he must take some action to help them all to grieve and go forward\u2014as a whole family\u2014not as a broken family. He stood at the window for a long time as he contemplated a plan for doing that. Once his plans were made, he too, climbed back into bed and slept soundly. The next sound that he heard was the sounds of Hop Sing\u2019s prize rooster, alerting them all that a new day had begun. He stretched in bed for a minute, then jumped up and began to dress.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Nine<\/strong><\/p>\nBen went downstairs to get his coffee, just as Hop Sing was preparing to bring it to him. He accepted the piping hot cup of coffee gratefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want me to go wake up sons?\u201d Hop Sing asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Hop Sing, let them sleep a little longer. I want to talk to you about something.\u201d<\/p>\n
He motioned Hop Sing to sit in the living room so he could tell him of his plans.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am going to take the boys on a camping trip, Hop Sing. I think it will be good for us to get away for a while and they love camping.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs velly good idea, Mr. Cartlight.\u201d Hop Sing smiled his approval of the plan.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you leave?\u201d he asked, mentally making a list of the supplies he would need to assemble.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought we\u2019d leave after breakfast if that gives you enough time to get some food and supplies ready for us. That will give me sufficient time to get Charlie and the hands ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo problem, Mr. Cartlight. Hop Sing get started soon as breakfast ready. How long you be gone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell at least a week, maybe two, we will just need to be back before the roundup begins. I think Charlie can take care of everything else \u2019til then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHop Sing get everything ready. Is good for family be together.\u201d Hop Sing repeated.<\/p>\n
\u201cHop Sing, would you care to join us? You\u2019re part of the family, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hop Sing\u2019s heart was gladdened by this invitation, but he thought it would be better for the father to be alone with his sons.<\/p>\n
\u201cHop Sing\u2019s cousin #5 is sick. Since family go on trip, Hop Sing go help care for cousin in Virginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure, Hop Sing?\u201d Ben asked, looking at the diminutive Chinese man encouragingly.<\/p>\n
\u201cHop Sing sure. Now must get busy, finish breakfast, get packed. You get sons up. Hop Sing velly busy.\u201d With that Hop Sing turned away and headed into the kitchen, with just the hint of tears glistening in his eyes. He was happy to be considered part of this family, and he had no sick cousin, but he thought it would be better for the family to be alone together.<\/p>\n
After Hop Sing headed back to the kitchen, talking to himself in Chinese, Ben sat there for a moment and finished off the mug of coffee, planning what he would tell the ranch foreman. When he had drunk the last drop of the coffee, he sat the heavy mug down on the coffee table and got up to go talk to Charlie about the running of the ranch while he was gone. Just as he headed out the door, Adam came down the stairs. Ben saw him and motioned for him to join him; he put his arm around his son\u2019s shoulders and said, \u201cAdam I am glad you are up, I could use some help getting ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGetting ready for what, Pa?\u201d Adam asked, confused by the energy and determination from his Pa. He hadn\u2019t seen that since, well, since Marie died. \u201cPa\u2019s acting like his old self.\u201d Adam thought to himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, you and I are gonna take Hoss and Joe on a camping trip.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, what do you have in mind, Pa? One or two nights?\u201d he asked, pleased at the prospect of getting away from the chores and the constant reminders of the way things used to be.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Son, I mean a REAL camping trip. I was thinkin\u2019 we would head over to Mesquite Springs and camp there.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam raised his eyebrows in surprise.<\/p>\n
\u201cMesquite Springs, Pa? Why that\u2019ll take 3 days at least just to get there, maybe more with Little Joe along.\u201d He said, thinking his father had lost his mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cThree days to get there, three days to get back, Pa. Even if we just stay there one night, it\u2019d take at least a week.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben held up his hand and said, \u201cAdam, I am going to talk to Charlie right now. I\u2019m sure he can manage the ranch for a couple of weeks. As long as we\u2019re back by the round up, it\u2019ll be fine. I think it\u2019ll do us all good, Son.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPa, look, why don\u2019t you just take Hoss and Joe and I\u2019ll stay here and help Charlie.\u201d Adam countered.<\/p>\n
Ben looked at Adam and smiled his appreciation, \u201cThanks for the offer, Son, but we are all going on this trip\u2014we are a family and we are going on a family camping trip.\u201d He said firmly, with one hand on each of Adam\u2019s shoulders.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd besides\u201d he chuckled, \u201cyou don\u2019t think I am taking those two younger brothers of yours off on a trip like this ALONE, do you? \u201c<\/p>\n
Adam laughed and then said, \u201cNo Pa, in fact, don\u2019t you think you ought to ask Hop Sing to go along with us? I think it\u2019ll take two people just to keep an eye on Little Joe and then who is gonna look after Hoss?\u201d They both laughed at this statement, knowing there was a lot of truth behind the teasing.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Son we will just have to do the best we can, because Hop Sing has a sick cousin in Virginia City and he has declined the invitation.\u201d<\/p>\n
They both laughed over this, too, since they knew that \u201csick cousins\u201d was Hop Sing\u2019s ol\u2019 standby excuse when he wanted to go somewhere.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell if you are determined to do this, I\u2019ll help Hop Sing get the supplies and get a couple of pack horses ready, while you talk to Charlie, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right, Son, and how about getting those two scalawags out of bed and get \u2019em to do the barn chores this morning. It\u2019ll be good for \u2019em. You might want to wait a little bit before you tell Little Joe of our plans though, cause if you tell him now, he will ask if it\u2019s time to go about 100 times between now and breakfast.\u201d They both laughed at that again and then went off to make preparations for the camping trip.<\/p>\n
Adam got Hoss up first, told him of the plans and let him have the assignment of waking up Little Joe. Before he got to the kitchen, he knew he had made a mistake. Hoss, having a hard time getting Little Joe to get out of bed, had resorted to telling him of the plans for the trip and Little Joe was up and out of bed and down the stairs in a flash, still wearing his nightshirt and with Hoss trailing behind him, yelling at him to go back and get dressed. Adam just stood back and watched the sight and did nothing to interfere. Joe made it to the door way ahead of Hoss but the door was heavy and it took Joe some effort to get it open and just as he got it open and was set to run outside, Hoss swooped him up and threw him over his shoulder and carted him off upstairs. Joe was intermittently yelling at Hoss to put him down and giggling at being carried over Hoss\u2019 shoulder. This little scene, combined with his Pa\u2019s renewed vigor, gave Adam a sense that perhaps things could be right again.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Ten<\/strong><\/p>\nBreakfast that morning was the liveliest meal that had been served at the Cartwright household since Marie had died. Hop Sing, watching and listening to his family, thought it sounded almost like it used to sound, with Little Joe excitedly talking and his father coaxing, encouraging, and finally, threatening him to eat his food rather than play with it. Hoss and Adam were also talking more animatedly than he had heard them in a long time. But most heartening of all to Hop Sing was the almost imperceptible change in Ben Cartwright. He still sounded the same for the most part, but there was something in his voice that Hop Sing had thought he might never hear again\u2014-hope, optimism, even gladness. For the first time, Ben Cartwright seemed to really believe what he was saying and not to be putting on a brave front for the sake of his sons. Hop Sing was very happy to see this sign of healing of the deep sorrow that had been in every fiber of Ben Cartwright\u2019s being.<\/p>\n
He watched the family talk and eat for several minutes, out of sight of the family. Then he came into the dining area and announced loudly, \u201cHop Sing must go visit sick Cousin #4. Can not go \u2019til family finish eating. Please to hurry so Hop Sing can go to sick cousin.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben Cartwright winked at Adam and said, \u201cHop Sing, I thought it was cousin # 5 who was sick!\u201d<\/p>\n
With this Hop Sing launched a Chinese diatribe at Mr. Cartwright and the whole family, with a stern look on his face. Ben and Adam laughed at the joke, but Hoss developed a concerned look on his face and said, \u201cPa don\u2019t make Hop Sing mad, he might quit.\u201d<\/p>\n
Little Joe who had also been laughing, looked at Hoss with a reassuring look and said, \u201cNo, Hoss that ain\u2019t what he\u2019s sayin\u2019. He just said he packed molasses cookies in the supplies for us to have for snacks today.\u201d At this Ben, Adam, and Hoss laughed at Little Joe\u2019s unusual interpretation of what Hop Sing had said, sure that it had nothing to do with cookies, molasses or otherwise.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell we better not take any chances, boys, let\u2019s get ready and get going.\u201d Ben said, as he leaned over and pulled Joe to a standing position in his chair and carefully wiped the remains of what food Joe had pretended to eat off his face. As he finished, Adam walked up behind him and he reached over and grabbed Joe by the waist and swung him up onto his shoulders and said, \u201clet\u2019s go, Pardner!\u201d and headed towards the door. Joe giggled and laughed and pretended Adam was a horse and told him to \u201cgiddy yap.\u201d<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Eleven<\/strong><\/p>\nThe Cartwrights left the ranch house about 15 minutes later with Ben riding Buck, Hoss on Chub, Adam on Sport, and Little Joe, much to his delight, on Nutmeg. Nutmeg was a little bigger and livelier than the other ponies, and Little Joe was ecstatic over being able to persuade his father to let him ride her. He was losing the argument but Adam and Hoss joined him and Ben reluctantly gave in. But after about 30 minutes of being nervous, Ben had realized that they had been right, Little Joe could handle Nutmeg easily and skillfully.<\/p>\n
The ride was nothing short of glorious that morning. The temperature was comfortable, a little brisk, but not cold. The sun was shining and sparkling, promising a clear and beautiful day. The grass was lush green, set off by a perfectly brilliant azure sky with a few white, puffy clouds just to add highlights. As they rode up to the lake, they all paused to take in the view of the crystal clear. The wind created gentle ripples across the surface, which when they caught the sun shone and sparkled like precious jewels.<\/p>\n
After a few moments\u2019 hesitation, Ben said, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we stop and pay our respects, boys?\u201d Adam and Hoss were a little surprised by this. They had each talked about how Pa was going there every day still and spending varying amounts of time there, but they had never taken Little Joe there since the day of the funeral. He had become so distraught there that they weren\u2019t sure this was a good idea. But as they caught their father\u2019s eye, he gave them a small smile and nodded, reassuring them that he knew what he was doing. Little Joe had not said a word during this exchange and was staring quietly at the tops of the headstones, just visible above the bluff overlooking the lake.<\/p>\n
Ben jumped down and went and took hold of Little Joe and pulled him off his horse, \u201cCome on Joseph. Let\u2019s go visit Mama for a few minutes.\u201d He noted that the color of his son\u2019s face had lost it\u2019s glow and was pale and his eyes looked terrified. He hugged him to him and said, \u201cIt\u2019s all right, Joe. I\u2019ll be with you.\u201d He then looked at Hoss and Adam and said, \u201cPerhaps you two could wait here for us. We won\u2019t be long, I promise.\u201d Adam and Hoss nodded and gave him encouraging looks to show their support.<\/p>\n
Ben carried Joe to the gravesite, his son still silent on the way. When they reached the grassy bluff where the gravestone was, Little Joe\u2019s grip on his father\u2019s shoulders tightened, but still he said nothing. Ben put Joe down on the ground long enough to sit down himself and then he pulled Joe onto his lap. He began talking to Little Joe softly, telling him he knew how much he missed his Mama, how much they all missed her. He told him how his Mama\u2019s death was just an accident, that she hadn\u2019t wanted to leave them, but how she would always be there with them in their hearts. As he said this, he turned Little Joe around to look him in the eyes; he could see that Little Joe was listening and he could see tears glistening in his eyes. He hugged him close and Little Joe hugged back and the tears and the sobs came. But the crying was different. It was crying born of sadness and grief, but not of despair. Ben continued to talk soothingly to Joe, occasionally wiping tears from his own eyes, until they both sat quietly. Ben promised his son that they would come back there often and that when he got old enough, he could come on his own. Eventually, they collected themselves and rejoined Adam and Hoss. Ben started to apologize to them for taking so long, but they both waved it off\u2014no explanations were needed.<\/p>\n
They stopped at noon and shared the lunch that Hop Sing had prepared for them. After they had eaten the sandwiches, sliced cold chicken, and fruit, Hoss began rummaging through the supplies. \u201cHoss what are you looking for?\u201d Pa asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m looking to see if Hop Sing put anything sweet in here. I got me a craving for something sweet, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n
Little Joe piped up; \u201cYeah Hoss get us a molasses cookie!\u201d The others laughed, remembering Little Joe\u2019s misinterpretation of Hop Sing\u2019s morning tirade.<\/p>\n
In a minute Hoss pulled out a wrapped package and said, \u201cI bet this is something sweet.\u201d He quickly pulled open the package and looked at it in disbelief, and then looked at Little Joe.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it, Hoss?\u201d Adam said, noting the look on his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s\u2026it\u2019s molasses cookies, Adam. Pa, it IS molasses cookies.\u201d<\/p>\n
Little Joe smiled and said, \u201cI tol\u2019 ya so. Gimme one.\u201d Hoss handed him a cookie, a quizzical look on his face.<\/p>\n
Adam laughed and said, \u201cOh Hoss he had to have made \u2019em yesterday, Little Joe must have seen \u2019em is all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, that\u2019s probably it, Adam.\u201d Still though, all three of the older Cartwrights looked at the youngest one, happily munching a molasses cookie, his favorite.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
Chapter Twelve<\/strong><\/p>\nThe rest of the trip to the campsite they had selected passed uneventfully. The older three Cartwrights were content to ride and enjoy the view and to be lost in their own thoughts. The youngest Cartwright made this somewhat impossible, since he was constantly talking, asking questions, pointing out various sights, and generally disturbing the peace. They were all relieved though to have him returning to his normal talkative, inquisitive self\u2014at least at first they were. But his talking made the trip go faster and before they knew it, they had reached the campsite. They quickly outlined set-up chores and began to get the campsite in order. Joe finished the chore he was assigned with alacrity and then came back and began \u201chelping\u201d the rest of them, hoping to get everything done so that they could all go fishing for their supper.<\/p>\n
Finally, exasperated, Ben suggested that Hoss and Joe go ahead and start fishing and he and Adam would finish setting the camp up and then join them. This suited Hoss just fine, he was as excited about fishing as Little Joe was. He collected the fishing gear and he and Little Joe headed towards the river. The spot they had decided on to fish was a small bluff overlooking the river. The view was spectacular and there was a deep spot where some fish were always lurking Hoss informed Little Joe. They got to the site and Hoss helped Little Joe get his line started and then he set out his own line. True to Hoss\u2019s prediction, the fish were biting and before 10 minutes had passed, they had each caught a fish. Within 30 minutes, they had plenty of fish for supper and since that had been Hoss\u2019 objective, he lost some of his enthusiasm for fishing and became more interested in just enjoying the peaceful surroundings and watching his little brother catch fish after fish, never completely satisfied with the present one. He was surprised at how quiet his little brother could be when they were fishing; seems that was the only activity he could do without talking.<\/p>\n
Little Joe continued to fish, excited with each new catch but determined to catch the biggest fish of all. He knew that if he just kept trying, he would soon land the one that Hoss always said \u201cgot away\u201d. In his excitement, to see the spot where they were fishing, he began to move closer and closer to the edge, not remembering the mark Hoss had made and told him not to go any closer to the river than that. Hoss noticed that Little Joe was moving too near the river and was about to bring him back, when they heard their Adam and Ben calling to them. Both Little Joe and Hoss turned to yell to them so they could find them. Just at that time; however, Little Joe got a strong tug on his fishing line that he was unprepared for. Off balance he stumbled and was headed for the edge and let out a startled half-yell. Hoss grabbed for him, yelling \u201cLet go of the pole, Joe\u201d, but it was too late. Little Joe, in the blink of an eye, hurtled over the edge of the riverbank, into the water rushing swiftly by. Ben and Adam had come to the spot, just in time to see him go over and they were rooted to the spot in shock.<\/p>\n
Hoss, closest to Little Joe ran to the edge and saw him going under the water. Realizing the water current was too swift for Little Joe to swim in, Hoss jumped in. He hollered at his Pa and Adam to get a rope as he leaped over the edge. Hoss\u2019 voice gave them the impetus they needed to begin to take action. Adam said, \u201cPa, you go downstream and keep up with them. I\u2019ll get the rope and my horse and catch up with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
When he hit the water, Little Joe was still clutching the fishing pole. The water, filled with melting snow from the mountains was very cold. He was pulled under the water and swirled around and around for what seemed like an eternity before he found himself at the surface again. He was just able to get one quick breath before he was pulled under again. This time the shock of the water was not so extreme, and he was able to think a little bit. He forced himself to release the fishing pole and began to kick his legs to get to the surface. He was not able to get to the surface however, before his breath gave out. He tried to continue to kick but the water was so cold and the current so strong that he felt himself going deeper and deeper into the circular motion of the river. He was having disjointed thoughts and seeing flashes of images of his family as he was pulled deeper and deeper into the water. But then he felt something grab him. At first he tried to resist, but he realized he was being pulled toward the surface and he relaxed. He briefly thought \u201cHoss\u201d before he lost consciousness due to the cold water and lack of oxygen.<\/p>\n
Hoss grabbed Little Joe and pulled him to the surface. He was terrified when he looked at his little brother\u2019s blue face. He couldn\u2019t tell if he was breathing or not. He held Little Joe out of the water as he tried to think. He had to get him out of the water, but he was so far out into the river that they were being pulled along with the current. He knew he wouldn\u2019t be able to swim and hold Little Joe out of the water, but he didn\u2019t see any other choice\u2014he\u00a0had<\/strong>\u00a0to get Little Joe out of that water and get him warm and dry and get the water out of his lungs right away. He was about to try it, when he heard Ben shouting at him. He couldn\u2019t make out the words, but he was reassured that at least he was there.<\/p>\nSuddenly he saw Adam come riding up on Sport. Adam jumped off the horse and handed his father a rope. Ben uncoiled one end of the rope and handed it back to Adam. The other end, he coiled and, with expert aim, tossed the rope to Hoss. Hoss grabbed hold of the rope with one arm, continuing to hold Little Joe above the water with the other arm. As soon as they saw Hoss had the rope, Adam tied one end off on Sport\u2019s saddle horn and he began to ease the horse backwards, while Ben held onto the rope and gave him instructions. Very quickly they had pulled Hoss and Joe onto the shallow bank of the river. Ben rushed into the water and took Little Joe out of Hoss\u2019 arm and ran to the bank. He was also terrified by the look of him, but he forced himself to carry on.<\/p>\n
Adam helped Hoss out of the water and Hoss collapsed beside Ben and Little Joe. Adam ran back toward the campsite. Ben held Joe up and began to pat him on the back. Almost immediately, Joe choked and spit up a mouthful of swallowed river. Then he began to gasp and draw rapid, deep breaths, which were followed by more choking and spitting. Adam returned to the riverbank, bringing blankets. He gave his father one to wrap Little Joe in, and then he wrapped one around Hoss\u2019 shoulders. Hoss was by now, sitting up, anxiously watching his Pa and Little Joe.<\/p>\n
Joe\u2019s breathing was still fast, but his coloring was improving some. Ben held him tight while his brothers looked on anxiously. After several minutes, Little Joe tried to speak. Initially Ben hushed him; saying to wait a minute before he tried to talk and every attempt Little Joe made to talk was shushed. His coloring continued to improve; though the cold still left him blue. Ben said, \u201cAdam, can you get a fire going at the campsite? They both need to get warm again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam said, \u201cSure, Pa. Come on Hoss. Let me help you.\u201d And held out his arm to Hoss.<\/p>\n
Hoss said, \u201cWait Adam, not \u2019til I\u2019m sure Joe\u2019s okay.\u201d And brushed off his arm.<\/p>\n
With that, Joe spoke up and this time his voice was louder, more insistent, and almost like his normal voice. \u201cHoss, I almost caught that one you told me about.\u201d He said, looking at Hoss earnestly.<\/p>\n
Hoss, confused, answered, \u201cWhat are you talkin\u2019 about Half-pint?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI almost caught the one that got away Hoss!\u201d Little Joe said, a note of disappointment in his voice. \u201cBut I\u2019ll catch \u2018im next time!\u201d he finished. Six eyes stared at the little boy incredulously. Here he was half-drowned and all he could think about was fishin\u2019. They looked at each other and smiled and then, looking down at the determined expression on that little cherubic face, they all laughed. When Joe looked confused by the laughter, Adam said, \u201cLittle Joe, I believe you will. I surely do believe that one that got away better look out next time!\u201d His proclamation was met with loud laughter from Pa and Hoss. Little Joe merely nodded his head, his face expressing his opinion that his family must have surely gone mad.<\/p>\n
******<\/p>\n
The Cartwrights remained at the camp for a week, despite Pa\u2019s initial thought that they should go home immediately. Little Joe and Adam and Hoss convinced Pa to stay on. Little Joe suffered no ill effects from his immersion in the river; besides the fact that everyone else watched him like a hawk and made sure that there was always someone between him and the river\u2019s edge. They fished, they hiked, they rode their horses, they explored. They sat for long hours at night, listening to Pa tell of his many journeys\u2014from his days as captain on a ship to his westward journeys. He told them of his their mothers, their triumphs, their joys, their sorrows, their lives together, and how he had picked up the pieces and gone on after their deaths. Their conversations around the campsite gradually turned from the past to the future. They talked of their hopes and dreams and plans for the future. Ben told them of his vision for the Ponderosa and of their place in that future. Somehow, sometime, during those late night campfire conversations, they all realized that whatever the future could bring\u2014whether it be joy or sorrow\u2014that, together, they could face anything. They were still, and would always be\u2014a\u00a0FAMILY.<\/strong><\/p>\n***The End***<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n