{"id":4591,"date":"2008-06-28T22:00:42","date_gmt":"2008-06-29T02:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4591"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:12:25","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:12:25","slug":"another-auld-lang-syne","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4591","title":{"rendered":"Another Auld Lang Syne (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0<\/span>Just before his wedding, Joe meets up with the woman he once loved\u2014and thought he\u2019d lost forever. This is a sequel to “Vivian” and refers to characters and events from that story.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T WC 6500.<\/span><\/p>\n

Vivian Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Vivian<\/a>
\nAnother Auld Lang Syne<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Another Auld Lang Syne<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
\u00a0“Woooo-eeee!\u00a0 That is some storm!” \u00a0<\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Nobody ever sounds as happy about a snowstorm as my big brother.\u00a0 I tell you, Hoss is just like a kid when it comes to snow.\u00a0 Doesn’t matter how deep it is, or how cold or windy outside, or anything.\u00a0 If it’s fresh snow, sooner or later, he’ll find a reason to be out in it.\u00a0 Even as we stomped it off our boots and shook it off our coats and hats, I could tell he just wanted to head right back out.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n

Now, I’m more of a summer fellow myself. \u00a0Maybe it’s my New Orleans heritage, but cold weather and I just don’t get along all that well. \u00a0Give me a hot day and a cool lake, a fishing pole and a great big tree to shade me, and I can pass myself a fine afternoon.\u00a0 Besides, summer’s better for other things, too.\u00a0 Courting, for example. \u00a0There’s nothing quite like a drive on a warm summer evening, with just a little bit of a breeze fluttering the ribbons on a girl’s hat as the sun goes all pink and orange and the horse tosses his head just to remind everybody that he’s the one in charge.\u00a0 There are a few spots on the Ponderosa, like one of the bluffs overlooking the lake, where you pull up and watch the sunset, and-well, let’s just say girls tend to be a little friendlier there.<\/p>\n

And if, on one of those warm summer evenings, the girl says “yes” to a certain very important question-well, there’s no finer evening than that.<\/p>\n

I know.\u00a0 Because it was a warm summer evening, on a bluff overlooking the lake while the sun was setting, when Abby said “yes” to me.<\/p>\n

Abby’s not the kind of woman I ever thought I’d end up with.\u00a0 I’ve sparked a lot of girls in my time, and a few women, too.\u00a0 My first love, Julia, was probably twice my age-she never would tell me for sure.\u00a0 That was when Pa first starting looking askance at the girls I’d take up with.\u00a0 Oh, he approved of a few, but not many.\u00a0 Mind you, there were some he never knew about.\u00a0 One, in particular.\u00a0 The one who turned my head and my heart upside down like nobody else ever has, not even Abby.<\/p>\n

Don’t get me wrong-I love Abby with all my heart.\u00a0 It sounds dumb, but sometimes, just touching her hand can make me feel like a schoolboy, all nervous, with my heart beating faster.\u00a0 Her kisses are a combination of sweetness and fire.\u00a0 And when she looks at me with those big brown eyes, I know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be in this world.It’s a quieter kind of love than I’d have expected I’d want.\u00a0 There’s a peacefulness about her that I’ve never known anyplace else. \u00a0She’s like the very center of the lake on one of those soft gray days when there’s not even a little bit of a breeze and everything blends together so that you can hardly tell where the water ends and the sky begins. \u00a0Deep and still and full of all sorts of secrets that you can’t know anything about from standing on the shore.<\/p>\n

But even though she’s quiet, she’s not dull or boring-far from it.\u00a0 That girl has a streak of wicked mischief in her like nobody I’ve ever known.\u00a0 If I’d known her when we were kids–the pranks we could have pulled together!\u00a0 Plus, she’s even smarter than Adam, but she has the good sense not to rub his nose in it.\u00a0 Not that she hides it or pretends not to be smart, but somehow, she manages not to ruffle his feathers, either.\u00a0 And when he first got back from sea, pretty much everything I did ruffled his feathers, so I think everybody was pretty relieved when I started bringing Abby around.<\/p>\n

Hoss was most relieved of all.\u00a0 But then, he was the one who saw me through when I was with Vivian, and afterward.<\/p>\n

That was her name: \u00a0Vivian Moore. \u00a0The one who turned my head and my heart upside down. \u00a0It’s been five years, but I remember her like she just left town this morning.\u00a0 Her eyes were as green as the north pasture when all the snow has just melted and the grass is all lush and rich.\u00a0 Her hair was thick and coppery and soft as a cloud, and it made me sneeze sometimes when she was lying on top of me and her curls would fall in my face.\u00a0 Her voice was low and sweet, and when she whispered in my ear, most of me would turn to mush.\u00a0 She was so trim that when I’d help her down from her buggy, my hands would almost meet around her waist.\u00a0 There were other parts of her that weren’t so little–the parts a man likes to have a little more generous.\u00a0 Not that I ever explored-well, not too much, anyway.\u00a0 I was trying, as far as I could, to be honorable so that we could tell ourselves that we weren’t doing anything wrong.<\/p>\n

You see, there was that one little thing about Vivian.<\/p>\n

She was married.<\/p>\n

I’d never thought I would get involved with a married woman.\u00a0 Vivian told me that she’d never thought she would stray, even a little bit, from her marriage vows.\u00a0 But we fell in love anyway, and while we never went all the way down the road, we traveled a fair bit of it.\u00a0 We tried to convince ourselves that not crossing that line meant we were still on the right side of something, but we never quite succeeded.\u00a0 Finally, she and her husband went back to St. Louis.\u00a0 I don’t know what they told everybody else, but she told me the truth:\u00a0 they left so that their marriage could have a fighting chance.\u00a0 I couldn’t fault them for it.\u00a0 She knew, and I knew, that if they stayed in Virginia City, something was going to get broken.<\/p>\n

Hoss was the only one who knew for sure about us.\u00a0 He’d had his suspicions, and finally one awful day, he asked me point-blank what was going on between me and Mrs.\u00a0Moore.\u00a0 And when I told him we were in love–well, I don’t want to see a look like that on my big brother’s face ever again.\u00a0 It was like I told him I’d committed cold-blooded murder.\u00a0 We had quite a time of it, with me insisting we were in love and him insisting it was wrong anyway.\u00a0 As it happened, the next day, Vivian’s husband and I were both shot when a bank in town was robbed.\u00a0 I’ll never forget how, after I came to, I asked Hoss if somebody had told Vivian I was all right.\u00a0 He just nodded and said, “I made sure she knew.”\u00a0 He did that for me, in spite of everything he thought about our being together.<\/p>\n

After the Moores left town, Hoss looked out for me even more than usual.\u00a0 I don’t think Pa or Adam had ever figured out what was going on with Vivian and me.\u00a0 Once she was gone and I was struggling just to get through the day, they knew something was wrong, of course, but Hoss told them not to worry, that I was fine.\u00a0 One time, I overheard Pa trying to get Hoss to tell him what was wrong, but my big brother wouldn’t budge.\u00a0 He just said it was my business and that Pa didn’t have to worry, because he was keeping an eye on me.<\/p>\n

He was, too.\u00a0 I did my best to hide how I felt as I tried to live in a world without her.\u00a0 But every now and again, as I dragged myself through another endless day, there’d be a hand on my shoulder, just for a second.\u00a0 He didn’t say anything; he was just there.<\/p>\n

I tried not to talk about her, because I knew how he felt about our being together, but sometimes I had to.\u00a0 When I did, he listened, and he didn’t judge.\u00a0 One day, when the two of us were out riding fence and I felt like I couldn’t go on another minute, Hoss set me down under a tree and pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his saddlebag that he must have been keeping there for such a time, and we drank together while he let me talk and talk about Vivian.\u00a0 And, finally, when I was good and drunk, my big brother sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders, and he held me while I cried it all out.<\/p>\n

Four years later, I met Abby at Tom McDermott’s birthday party. \u00a0It was a good thing that we met so much later.\u00a0 If I’d met her sooner, I probably wouldn’t even have seen her because she wasn’t Vivian.\u00a0 I don’t know if a man ever gets over a woman like Vivian, but I came as close as I could.\u00a0 Sure, I still think about her sometimes, especially in the spring when the north pasture is the same shade of green as her eyes, but I’m moving forward now.\u00a0 Abby and I are getting married in a couple weeks.\u00a0 When I think about spending the rest of my life with Abby, there’s a peace that settles over me, and I know that asking her to marry me is the smartest thing I’ve ever done.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

There wasn’t much of anybody in the restaurant.\u00a0 No surprise on a night like this.\u00a0 We wouldn’t have been there, either, except that we were staying upstairs from the saloon, and the saloon owner didn’t cook.\u00a0 On my own, I might have tried to make do with some jerky, but I knew better than to suggest to Hoss that we skip dinner.\u00a0 So, we plowed our way across the street to a little restaurant whose sign we couldn’t even read, it was so covered with snow.<\/p>\n

It was a homey little place, with red-checked curtains and matching tablecloths.\u00a0 It wasn’t very big, but something about it felt familiar, like I’d been there before, even though I knew I hadn’t.<\/p>\n

We settled in with coffee and tried to thaw out as we waited for our supper.\u00a0 “Y’know, Little Brother, you’re gonna have to get a haircut before the wedding,” Hoss observed.<\/p>\n

“Abby likes me just the way I am,” I said.\u00a0 The thought of her fingers in my hair brought a smile to my face that made Hoss roll his eyes.<\/p>\n

“I ain’t talkin’ about Abby,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “You think Pa’s gonna let you get away with lookin’ like that on your weddin’ day?”<\/p>\n

“Why should he care?\u00a0 I ain’t marryin’ him!”\u00a0 I drained my cup.\u00a0 It was a pointless argument.\u00a0 I knew I’d give in when the time came.\u00a0 Pa’s been waiting so long for one of his sons to finally make it down the aisle-I wasn’t going to mess that up for him.\u00a0 Of course, I’ve been fighting haircuts since back when I was little and all the gray I have now was years away.\u00a0 Pa wouldn’t know what to think if I just up and got my hair cut without a fight-which might be a reason to do it, after all.<\/p>\n

Thinking about a haircut, the wedding, and what would come afterward, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to what was going on around us.\u00a0 A young blond girl refilled my coffee cup without my asking, which was nice.\u00a0 A minute later, she brought out a basket containing something wrapped in a napkin.\u00a0 It turned out to be biscuits, hot from the oven.\u00a0 Right after that came great big plates of beef stew that smelled so good that, if it had been a woman, I might have married it instead of Abby.<\/p>\n

As good as the stew was, the serving was so big that I couldn’t finish it.\u00a0 Hoss finished his and mine, though, as well as the rest of the biscuits.\u00a0 Just when I thought we were going to roll on out of there, the girl brought two big pieces of apple pie with ice cream that we hadn’t ordered.\u00a0 “Compliments of the house,” she said, bobbing a little curtsy.\u00a0 Hoss looked at me, and I looked at him.\u00a0 We both shrugged.\u00a0 This was sure a nice little restaurant.\u00a0 Even Daisy’s, back in Virginia City, charges us for the pie, and Daisy’s been sweet on Pa for as long as anybody can remember.\u00a0 You’d think that, if we were going to get free pie anywhere, it would be at her place.<\/p>\n

I tried to eat the pie, but I was so stuffed I felt like a sausage.\u00a0 What I did eat was mighty good, though.\u00a0 The cook here sure knew what he was doing.\u00a0 Hoss finished off the rest of my pie and yawned.<\/p>\n

“We should probably get goin’,” he said.\u00a0 “Long ride tomorrow.”<\/p>\n

“And longer in the snow,” I pointed out.\u00a0 “Flip you for the check,” I added, pulling out a dollar coin.<\/p>\n

“Nah, you can have it,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “I’m plumb full, and I just wanna go to sleep.”<\/p>\n

“You’re full?\u00a0 I didn’t even know that could be done!”\u00a0 The blond girl was approaching our table.\u00a0 “Supper was terrific, miss.\u00a0 Could we just have the check, please?”<\/p>\n

“There’s no check,” she said.<\/p>\n

Hoss and I looked at each other.\u00a0 “I beg your pardon?” I said.\u00a0 “How’re we supposed to pay for our supper?”<\/p>\n

“It’s on the house,” she said.\u00a0 She looked a little bit nervous.<\/p>\n

“Beg pardon, miss?”\u00a0 Hoss looked as confused as I felt.<\/p>\n

“You’re Mr. Cartwright, aren’t you?” she said to me.\u00a0 Startled, I nodded.\u00a0 “Then, your suppers are on the house.”<\/p>\n

“Joe, you know anybody in this town?” asked Hoss, looking around.\u00a0 We were the only customers left.<\/p>\n

“I don’t even know the name of this town,” I said.\u00a0 “It was snowing too hard to see the sign when we rode in.\u00a0 What about you?\u00a0 You know anybody here?”<\/p>\n

“No, but I ain’t the one who got us a free meal,” said Hoss.\u00a0 To the girl, he said, “Is the owner around?\u00a0 We’d like to say thanks.”\u00a0 Her eyes grew wider, but she turned and went back to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

“Odd little place, ain’t it?” I muttered.\u00a0 I didn’t know why the notion of a free supper was suddenly making me real uneasy, but my hand was resting on my gun like it knew something I didn’t.<\/p>\n

In the fraction of a second before she spoke, I saw Hoss’ eyes widen.\u00a0 Then, from behind me, the low, sweet voice that I’d never forgotten said, “You’re welcome.”<\/p>\n

And there stood Vivian.<\/p>\n

“Were you going to come out and say hello?”\u00a0 I turned and forced myself to look up into her face.\u00a0 With me sitting and her standing, looking straight meant I was eyeball to-whatever, with one of the most beautiful parts of her.\u00a0 I could feel myself responding to her closeness, and I shifted in my chair.<\/p>\n

“I hadn’t planned on it,” she said.\u00a0 To Hoss, she said, “It’s nice to see you again, Hoss.\u00a0 I do hope you enjoyed your dinner.”<\/p>\n

“It was mighty tasty, ma’am,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “We’re much obliged to you for such a fine meal.”<\/p>\n

“But we are going to pay for it,” I said.<\/p>\n

“Didn’t you hear Clarice?\u00a0 There’s no bill.\u00a0 It’s on the house.”\u00a0 There was a touch of iron in Vivian’s voice that I’d never heard before.\u00a0 “Don’t tell me that you won’t accept something as simple as a meal from an old friend.”<\/p>\n

I couldn’t figure out why she seemed to want to fight with me, but before I said something I shouldn’t, Hoss jumped in.\u00a0 “Thank you, ma’am,” he said.\u00a0 “That’s real kind of you.”\u00a0 To me, he added, “We should get goin’.\u00a0 We gotta get up early tomorrow.”<\/p>\n

I looked from Hoss to Vivian, and I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.\u00a0 “You go on ahead, Big Brother,” I said.\u00a0 “I’ll catch up with you.”<\/p>\n

Hoss gave me a warning look, like the kind you give to somebody who’s about to do something really stupid, but he just said, “Nice to see you again, Mrs.\u00a0Moore,” and got his coat and hat and headed out.<\/p>\n

I could hear Clarice in the back.\u00a0 Vivian stood beside me.\u00a0 For a long minute, we just looked at each other.\u00a0 Finally, I said, “Aren’t you gonna sit down?”<\/p>\n

“I haven’t decided,” she said.\u00a0 That was one of the things about Vivian: she always said just what she thought.<\/p>\n

I decided to do the same.\u00a0 “Sure you have,” I said.\u00a0 I reached behind me and pulled over a chair from the next table.\u00a0 “Have a seat,” I said, like it was my restaurant instead of hers.<\/p>\n

“I’ll get the coffee,” she said.\u00a0 She left me alone, and I heard voices in the back.\u00a0 After a few minutes, a door closed.\u00a0 Then, she came back with a tray that held a coffee pot, creamer and sugar bowl, and two cups.\u00a0 I stood to take the tray from her, and she raised an eyebrow as she handed it over.\u00a0 She remained standing.\u00a0 “Clarice left,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Who else works here?” I asked, as if it were a casual question.<\/p>\n

“Tonight, just me,” Vivian said.\u00a0 “Ordinarily, I have a boy who comes in to clean, but he’s sick.\u00a0 So, Clarice cleaned up, and we’re closed.”<\/p>\n

I looked at her, uncertain.\u00a0 Just the two of us, alone in a snug little building in the middle of a snowstorm.\u00a0 Once, it would have been everything I could have dreamed of.\u00a0 I could tell that she was waiting for something. \u00a0Instead, I poured the coffee. \u00a0“Do you still take cream and sugar?” I asked.<\/p>\n

“When did you become such a gentleman?” she smiled with gentle amusement.<\/p>\n

“I always was,” I said.\u00a0 It wasn’t quite true.\u00a0 Being with Abby had taught me a few things.\u00a0 I’d learned how nice it was to do things for her, instead of just having somebody wait on me.\u00a0 I’m sure Pa and Hop Sing probably tried to teach me that for years, but it took Abby to make me want to be on the other side of the giving.<\/p>\n

Vivian just looked at me like she couldn’t quite make up her mind about something.\u00a0 I placed a cup on the table and held her chair.\u00a0 She paused for a moment before she sat down.\u00a0 As I took my seat, she handed me the other cup.\u00a0 “And you still take yours black?”<\/p>\n

“I do,” I said.\u00a0 “Thanks.”\u00a0 We sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking our coffee.\u00a0 Finally, just to have something to say, I asked, “Do you own this place?”\u00a0 She nodded.\u00a0 “How long have you been here?”<\/p>\n

“Just over a year,” she said.<\/p>\n

“Why did you leave St. Louis?” I asked.\u00a0 That had been their destination when they left Virginia City.<\/p>\n

“It was time,” she said simply.\u00a0 “How have you been?”<\/p>\n

“I’ve been good,” I said.\u00a0 She smiled at the notion, and I grinned.\u00a0 “I didn’t mean-you know what I mean!”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” she said, letting me off the hook.\u00a0 “How’s your family?”<\/p>\n

“They’re all well,” I said.\u00a0 I had to ask.\u00a0 There was no way not to.\u00a0 “How’s your-how’s Jeremiah?”<\/p>\n

Her eyes clouded for a moment.\u00a0 “He passed away,” she said.<\/p>\n

“When?” I managed.\u00a0\u00a0Oh, you’re smooth, Cartwright.\u00a0 How about a little sympathy?<\/em>\u00a0 “I mean-I’m so sorry for your loss.”\u00a0 She didn’t roll her eyes, but she looked like she was thinking about it.\u00a0 “When did he die?” I asked again.<\/p>\n

“About a year and a half ago,” she said.\u00a0 “I tried to stay in St. Louis after he died, but there didn’t seem to be any point.”<\/p>\n

“So you came here to-where are we?”<\/p>\n

“Diego Springs,” she said.<\/p>\n

I looked at her, and she looked at me.\u00a0 It was getting harder to breathe.\u00a0 I reached for my coffee cup, but I knocked it over.\u00a0 Luckily, there wasn’t much left, but blotting it up gave me something to do for a minute.<\/p>\n

At last, I asked the question:\u00a0 “Why didn’t you let me know?”\u00a0 A year and a half ago.\u00a0 I hadn’t met Abby yet.\u00a0 The whole world was different.<\/p>\n

“I’m not sure,” she said.\u00a0 “At first, I was grieving.\u00a0 Yes, I was,” she insisted, as if I’d denied it.\u00a0 “Jeremiah was my husband, and he was a good man.\u00a0 Things went better for us in St. Louis.\u00a0 We’d settled into a new life.\u00a0 We were content.\u00a0 And then, he took sick so suddenly–one day, he was fine, and the next, he was dying.\u00a0 The doctor never knew what happened, but suddenly, there I was, all alone.”<\/p>\n

“I’d have come,” I said softly.<\/p>\n

She laid her hand on mine.\u00a0 “I know,” she said, just as softly.\u00a0 “I nearly wired you.”<\/p>\n

“Why didn’t you–?”<\/p>\n

“It was complicated,” she said.\u00a0 “Nobody there knew about you.\u00a0 If you’d come, I’d have had to explain you.”\u00a0 She closed her eyes for a moment.\u00a0 “You and I-we were in the past.\u00a0 I just–I didn’t want people to think the less of Jeremiah when he wasn’t there to defend himself.”<\/p>\n

“Why would they have thought less of him?”<\/p>\n

She shook her head ruefully.\u00a0 “Because anyone seeing that look in your eyes would have known the truth about us,” she said.\u00a0 “I didn’t want to make a fool of him-not after everything he’d endured.”\u00a0 She fell silent for a minute.\u00a0 Then, she said, “And I didn’t want to be that person, either.”<\/p>\n

“What person?”<\/p>\n

“The person who was waiting for her husband to die so that she could be with her lover.”<\/p>\n

I shook my head, holding her hand in both of mine.\u00a0 “You were never that person,” I said softly.\u00a0 “You couldn’t have been.”\u00a0 I reached out to stroke her cheek, and she nuzzled my palm, kissing it.\u00a0 I caught my breath.\u00a0 My heart pounded so loud I couldn’t believe she couldn’t hear it.\u00a0 For a moment, neither of us moved.<\/p>\n

She stood and looked down at me.\u00a0 “I live upstairs,” she said simply.\u00a0 Almost against my will, I stood.\u00a0 She was as beautiful as I’d ever seen her.\u00a0 The lamplight glinted off her copper curls.\u00a0 Her rich green eyes were luminous, fringed with unexpectedly dark lashes.\u00a0 Her cheek was as soft and pure as the snow outside.\u00a0 Her lips were rose-pink and trembling.\u00a0 The bodice of her dress molded her figure in a way that was at once modest and sensuous.\u00a0 Almost on its own, my hand reached for her curves.\u00a0 I was about to step toward her to sweep her up into my arms and carry her up the stairs–<\/p>\n

–and I remembered Abby.<\/p>\n

My hand dropped.\u00a0 I stayed where I was.\u00a0 A tiny question appeared in her eyes.<\/p>\n

“Joe?”\u00a0 Her voice was absolutely controlled.\u00a0 “What is it?”<\/p>\n

I didn’t know how to say it.\u00a0 Then, the flame of desire in her eyes darkened with understanding.<\/p>\n

“You’re married now, aren’t you?” she asked.<\/p>\n

I shook my head.\u00a0 “Not quite,” I said.\u00a0 “The wedding is in two weeks.”<\/p>\n

Vivian drew a deep breath.\u00a0 “How long have you known her?”<\/p>\n

“About a year,” I said.\u00a0 I watched the realization steal over her, and I nodded.\u00a0 Wordlessly, we both sat down.\u00a0 Tears welled up in her eyes.<\/p>\n

“I should have contacted you,” she said finally.\u00a0 “This is all my fault.\u00a0 I should have written.”<\/p>\n

“Sssssh,” I said, taking her hand again.\u00a0 “You couldn’t have known.”<\/p>\n

“But I wondered,” she admitted.\u00a0 “I’ve wondered for years.\u00a0 Why didn’t you get married a long time ago?”<\/p>\n

I shrugged.\u00a0 I didn’t want to answer her, but we’d always been honest with each other.\u00a0 “You broke my heart when you left,” I said.\u00a0 “It took me a long time to get over that.”<\/p>\n

She laid her other hand on top of mine.\u00a0 “I broke my own heart, too,” she whispered.\u00a0 “And I never got over it.\u00a0 Not really.”<\/p>\n

“Was it worth it?”\u00a0 Suddenly, I hoped so.\u00a0 We’d both paid such a desperately high price for her marriage.<\/p>\n

“What choice did I have?” she asked.<\/p>\n

“You could have stayed in Virginia City,” I said.\u00a0 The anger of five years ago suddenly flared.\u00a0 “You could have been honest with him and told him that you wanted to be with me.\u00a0 He could have left, and you could have stayed, and we could have had a life together.”<\/p>\n

“What kind of a life could we have had?”\u00a0 She pulled her hands from mine.\u00a0 “You and your own little Hester Prynne?\u00a0 Do you honestly think that it would have been all right, just because you were a Cartwright?\u00a0 We couldn’t even have gotten married in a church. \u00a0The gossips would have had themselves a fine old time about Ben Cartwright’s youngest son and his woman, the adulteress. \u00a0Your entire family would have been dragged through the mud.”<\/p>\n

“Don’t give me that excuse!”\u00a0 I snapped.\u00a0 “My family would have been just fine, and so would I.\u00a0 You were the one who decided to leave.\u00a0 I wasn’t even consulted-you just came over and announced it like what I thought didn’t even matter.”<\/p>\n

“It didn’t,” said Vivian, her voice as brittle and sharp as broken glass.\u00a0 “It was my marriage, my vows, and my husband, and I had to do what I thought was right.”\u00a0 She was quiet for a while.\u00a0 Then, she said, “Besides, you didn’t even try to talk me out of it.”<\/p>\n

“You’re blaming\u00a0me<\/em>?”\u00a0 I stood up so fast my chair fell over, banging against the wooden floor.\u00a0 I started to pace around the tables.\u00a0 “Are you telling me it’s my fault you left Virginia City?\u00a0 It’s my fault you went to St. Louis with your husband?”\u00a0 I turned, glaring from across the room.\u00a0 “I begged you to leave him.\u00a0 Dozens of times, I asked you to leave him and marry me.\u00a0 You were the one who wanted to stay with him. \u00a0That was your decision, not mine.\u00a0 You never asked me what I thought-you just announced it. \u00a0And now,\u00a0I’m<\/em>\u00a0to blame because I didn’t try hard enough to get you to stay?”\u00a0 Words failed me.\u00a0 I picked up the nearest coffee cup and flung it across the room, where it shattered against the wall.\u00a0 I hurled another cup after it, and another.\u00a0 She didn’t move.<\/p>\n

Finally, she spoke.\u00a0 “You almost got killed protecting him,” she said dully.<\/p>\n

“That wasn’t a reason to go with him,” I said.\u00a0 I remembered thinking afterward that, if only I’d stayed quiet, the bank robbers would have killed her husband, and she and I could have been together.\u00a0 But I’d acted without thinking:\u00a0 when he launched himself at the robbers, I shouted that I had a gun, and so I drew their fire.\u00a0 A week later, as I lay at home, recovering from the bullet wounds I’d taken to save her husband, Vivian came out to the Ponderosa to tell me that she and Jeremiah were moving to St. Louis.<\/p>\n

“I went because it was the right thing to do,” she said.\u00a0 “I’d done enough wrong things.\u00a0 I wanted to do something right.”<\/p>\n

“But I was still supposed to talk you out of it?”<\/p>\n

Even from across the room, I could see the shadow cross her face.\u00a0 “I knew what the right thing was, but I think-I think that, if you’d asked me one more time to stay-I might have stayed,” she said.<\/p>\n

“What?”\u00a0 I could hardly get the word out.\u00a0 My knees were suddenly weak, and I stepped back, bracing myself against the wall.<\/p>\n

“I almost lost you that day in the bank,” she said.\u00a0 “I was trying so hard to do the right thing–penance, maybe–but I was still hoping-”\u00a0 Her words faded.\u00a0 I stared at her.\u00a0 Everything I’d wanted had been just a few words away, and I never knew it.<\/p>\n

“Oh, Viv,” I breathed.\u00a0 “I didn’t know-I thought–I didn’t want to get in your way if that was what you wanted–”\u00a0 The lump in my throat choked off anything more.<\/p>\n

“I wanted you,” she said.\u00a0 “I’ve always wanted you.\u00a0 Every day, from the first day I saw you.\u00a0 Always you.”\u00a0 She crossed the room to where I stood, and she rested her hand against my cheek.\u00a0 “Always you,” she whispered, and it was my turn to kiss her palm.\u00a0 I pulled the pins from her hair, letting her curls tumble over her shoulders.\u00a0 I kissed her hair, almost dizzy with the light, sweet scent of her.\u00a0 Her arms went around me, and mine around her, and without a thought of anything, anyone, we kissed, long and deep and unbearably real.<\/p>\n

Finally, both of us trembling, we stepped back slightly.\u00a0 My eyes searched hers.\u00a0 I reached for her cheek, and she guided my hand to her throat.\u00a0 My fingers caressed the soft warmth above her neckline.\u00a0 Slowly, holding her gaze, I began to unbutton her collar.\u00a0 She swallowed hard and placed her hand over mine.\u00a0 Unsure, I stopped.\u00a0 Then, still holding my hand against her, she began to slide it downward from her neck.<\/p>\n

And I stopped her.<\/p>\n

“I’m so sorry, Viv,” I whispered.\u00a0 “I just can’t.”<\/p>\n

For a moment, she said nothing.\u00a0 Then, she whispered, “It’s because of her, isn’t it?”<\/p>\n

I nodded.\u00a0 “I’m so, so sorry.”\u00a0 My voice broke.\u00a0 For a long time, we stood together, not moving.\u00a0 I felt like the worst kind of cad.\u00a0 Part of me wished that she would slap my face and run up the stairs.\u00a0 I deserved it.\u00a0 I deserved anything she wanted to say or do to me.\u00a0 “Vivian, I’m so sorry,” I said again.\u00a0 “I’m just–”<\/p>\n

“Hush.”\u00a0 She held a finger to my lips.\u00a0 I started to speak, and she repeated, “Hush.”\u00a0 When she was satisfied that I would remain silent, she moved her finger.\u00a0 “It’s not your fault,” she said.\u00a0 “Any more than it was my fault five years ago.\u00a0 You and I–maybe we were just never meant to be.”<\/p>\n

I shook my head.\u00a0 “I should have left with Hoss,” I said.\u00a0 “It wasn’t fair for me to start anything here-I’m so sorry.”<\/p>\n

“We’re neither of us perfect, Joe,” she said.\u00a0 “You should know that better than anybody.”\u00a0 She smiled a tiny, sad smile.<\/p>\n

I pushed a curl back from her face.\u00a0 “Why didn’t you get in touch with me after he died?”<\/p>\n

“Because I was afraid of this,” she whispered.\u00a0 “Of exactly this.”\u00a0 She reached for me, and we stood in the quiet, her hands on my shoulders, mine on her waist.\u00a0 “I was afraid you’d tell me I was too late.”\u00a0 She looked up at me, her eyes glistening.\u00a0 “Am I too late, Joe?”<\/p>\n

Never had she been more beautiful than at that moment.\u00a0 Never had I wanted her more.\u00a0 I ached with wanting her.\u00a0 I wanted to sweep her up in my arms, carry her upstairs, and make passionate love with her all night, the way we’d both dreamed for so long.\u00a0 I wanted to confess that I’d never stopped loving her, and to her hear her tell me the same.\u00a0 To feel the softness of her skin, the silky curls tumbling across my chest, her warm breath in my ear.\u00a0 To wake up with her curled up tight against me.\u00a0 To pretend that nothing else existed outside that room.<\/p>\n

But she had asked me a question:\u00a0\u00a0Am I too late?<\/em>\u00a0 She was entitled to an answer.<\/p>\n

We all were.<\/p>\n

And slowly, I nodded.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

I poured another shot.\u00a0 The saloon was empty and dark.\u00a0 I sat at the table, bottle and glass in front of me, and tried not to feel.<\/p>\n

A long time ago, after Julia died, Pa told me that I’d probably always love her, but that someday, I’d love again.\u00a0 What he hadn’t said was how much it hurt to make that choice.\u00a0 I knew I was right.\u00a0 I loved Abby.\u00a0 I wanted to marry her, to spend my life with her.\u00a0 I knew that in my heart.\u00a0 But that didn’t make it easier to walk away from Vivian.\u00a0 It didn’t make the hurting any less.\u00a0 It didn’t make me not love her.<\/p>\n

I drank the whiskey and refilled the glass.\u00a0 For so long, I’d dreamed of the time when she would be free.\u00a0 Dreams that had carried me through many a night when we were together, and many more when she left.\u00a0 I’d even toyed with the idea moving to St. Louis, just so that I’d be in the same town, but I knew better.\u00a0 We’d both made our choices, she to go and I to stay.\u00a0 Just as she’d respected mine, I’d respected hers.<\/p>\n

Alone in the darkness, I felt the scalding tears well up.\u00a0 Vivian lay in her solitary bed, just across a snowy street.\u00a0 I wanted her so much that I could hardly pick up the glass.\u00a0 I didn’t dare stand.\u00a0 I knew that, if I did, I would go to her.<\/p>\n

I pushed the bottle and glass aside and laid my head on my arms. \u00a0In the silence of the saloon, I wept. \u00a0I wanted to crack my head against the wall and howl.\u00a0 I wanted to stand in the middle of the street and scream at the night sky, demanding that universe explain what Vivian and I had ever done to be treated like this.<\/p>\n

I wanted to know why it had to hurt so much.<\/p>\n

The hand on my shoulder made me jump.\u00a0 I rubbed my cuff across my face, trying to wipe away any sign of tears.\u00a0 Hoss pulled up a chair next to me.\u00a0 Neither of us spoke. \u00a0I sensed the question in his eyes, and I shook my head.\u00a0 For a while, we just sat there, with him rubbing my shoulder and me trying hard not to cry.\u00a0 Eventually, I reached for the bottle again, and he didn’t stop me, even though I knew he could see in the dim light from the street how far down the level was.<\/p>\n

He sat beside me for a long time, neither of us saying anything.\u00a0 My refills slowed, and finally stopped.\u00a0 The dark was starting to lighten when I tried to stand up.\u00a0 I braced myself against the table, and Hoss took my arm.<\/p>\n

“Come on, now,” he said.\u00a0 “Let’s get you upstairs.\u00a0 You can’t ride on no sleep.”\u00a0 He steered me toward the stairs.\u00a0 I wanted to point out that he hadn’t had any sleep, either, but I couldn’t make the words come out.\u00a0 He got me up the stairs, one at a time, and into our room.\u00a0 I felt him pulling off my boots, laying me down, covering me.\u00a0 I heard him set the washbowl next to me.\u00a0 I listened as he got himself into bed and blew out the lamp.<\/p>\n

“Hoss?”<\/p>\n

“Go to sleep now, Joe.”<\/p>\n

“I love her.”<\/p>\n

“I know.”<\/p>\n

“–Hoss?”<\/p>\n

“What?”<\/p>\n

“Does it ever stop hurting?”<\/p>\n

Long silence.\u00a0 “I don’t know,” he said at last.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Abby never asked me what happened that night.\u00a0 When we got home, I held her so close, like I’d almost lost her.\u00a0 When she looked up at me, I could see the question in her eyes. \u00a0She knew that something had happened, or almost happened. \u00a0But she didn’t ask, and I didn’t tell her.\u00a0 It seemed disloyal to Vivian somehow.\u00a0 I just held Abby close, and when she kissed me, I knew that she understood anyway.<\/p>\n

Two weeks later, with Hoss beside me, and Pa and Adam right behind, I stood in our living room and watched my beautiful bride come down the stairs.\u00a0 Her gown, ivory satin, curved over her lovely breasts and narrow waist, allowing all to admire, but the fullness of the skirt reserved the rest of her beauty for me alone.\u00a0 Later that night, I mockingly grumbled about the dozens of buttons that I had to unfasten, from the neck of her dress down to the bustle.\u00a0 She just tossed her head, giving me a saucy glance over her shoulder, and leaned back against me.\u00a0 I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me, nuzzling her neck.<\/p>\n

“Aren’t you going to finish?” she whispered.<\/p>\n

“All in good time, Mrs.\u00a0Cartwright,” I murmured.\u00a0 Slowly, I slid the dress from her shoulders, and it fell in a shimmering puddle at her feet.\u00a0 Then, I turned her to face me, and in that moment before I kissed her, I looked at her, really looked, and I knew in the depths of my soul that I’d been right.\u00a0 About everything.<\/p>\n

I don’t know if I’ll ever tell Abby about Vivian.\u00a0 I know that I could, and she’d understand-maybe not at first, but eventually. \u00a0But one of the things that I love about Abby is that she doesn’t crowd me that way.\u00a0 She doesn’t demand to know everything.\u00a0 She asks, but then she trusts me to tell her what should be told.\u00a0 There’s a relief that comes with that, and a responsibility, and I know that they come together.<\/p>\n

Pa was right.\u00a0 The ones you love, you never really stop loving.\u00a0 And that’s as it should be, I guess.\u00a0 It would be easier and cleaner if we could forget about the old loves and just have the new, but that’s not the way life works.\u00a0 My life, anyway.\u00a0 Most of my heart belongs to the people I love now-Abby, Pa, Adam, Hoss, Hop Sing.\u00a0 Cochise, even though he’s not a person.\u00a0 The Ponderosa, same.\u00a0 The little one who is barely anything at all yet, hardly rounding his mother’s belly under my hand.\u00a0 My world, my loves, my life.<\/p>\n

And yet, there will always be a corner of my heart that belongs to Vivian.\u00a0 Our love was real, and I won’t hear anyone say otherwise.\u00a0 Whether the rest was spectacularly bad timing, or punishment for our wrongdoing, or just God’s way of saving me for Abby, I’ll never know.\u00a0 All I know is that I loved Vivian, and she loved me, and in the end, that just wasn’t enough.<\/p>\n

But as I ride up to our house, and I see Abby in the doorway, wiping her hands on her apron and smiling that incredible smile, I know that this is where I belong.<\/p>\n

I’m home.
\nThe End<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0******************’<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0Just before his wedding, Joe meets up with the woman he once loved\u2014and thought he\u2019d lost forever. This is a sequel to “Vivian” and refers to characters and events from that story.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T WC 6500.<\/p>\n

Vivian Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n

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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":4581,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[17,16],"class_list":["post-4591","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","tag-hoss","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1162,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Calamity-on-the-Comstock-2.jpg?fit=500%2C379&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4594,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4594","url_meta":{"origin":4591,"position":0},"title":"Vivian (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0Joe grapples with a moral dilemma when he falls in love with another man's wife. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Rated:\u00a0T \u00a0WC 11,500 Vivian Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Calamity-on-the-Comstock-2.jpg?fit=500%2C379&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6628,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6628","url_meta":{"origin":4591,"position":1},"title":"Forever – The Love of My Life – #3 (by Rider)","author":"Rider","date":"May 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0Joe and Alice think about their relationship on the eve of their wedding. Rated:\u00a0K+ (990 words) Forever Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/coming-soon-4.jpg?fit=320%2C240&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1784,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1784","url_meta":{"origin":4591,"position":2},"title":"The Commitment (by Cheaux)","author":"Cheaux","date":"June 20, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0\u00a0Joe makes a commitment without fully understanding what's involved. \u00a0 Rated: \u00a0T -- WC \u00a01200","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/02\/bonanza.jpg?fit=295%2C295&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6309,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=6309","url_meta":{"origin":4591,"position":3},"title":"Calendar Girl (by Cheaux)","author":"Cheaux","date":"December 15, 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0New Year's Day in 1865 rings in both unspeakable sorrow and unbridled hope for Joe.\u00a0 Reference is made\u00a0to Between Heaven and Earth. 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