{"id":4594,"date":"2014-04-28T12:10:51","date_gmt":"2014-04-28T16:10:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4594"},"modified":"2026-07-29T14:40:49","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T18:40:49","slug":"vivian","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4594","title":{"rendered":"Vivian (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary<\/strong>:\u00a0Joe grapples with a moral dilemma when he falls in love with another man’s wife. \u00a0Fist in a series.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T \u00a0WC 11,500<\/p>\n

Vivian Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Vivian<\/a>
\nAnother Auld Lang Syne<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Vivian\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think I fell in love with Vivian the first time I saw her.<\/strong> \u00a0She was just so beautiful. \u00a0If I could write poetry like Adam does, I’d write about her copper curls, piled high on her head and secured with a bright green ribbon that matched her eyes.\u00a0 I’d describe the delicate lace on her bodice, and how her dress hugged the curves of her bosom and waist before flaring discreetly . I’d tell about her thick, sooty lashes and the intelligence and laughter in her eyes.\u00a0 I’d mention the dimple in her right cheek, and how her laugh sounded like the music of a brook splashing over rocks out near Hoss’ favorite fishing spot.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then I’d write about how my heart felt like a stone dropping from the top of a cliff when I saw the wedding ring on her hand.<\/p>\n

Pa raised me right.\u00a0 Maybe I’d strayed from the straight and narrow a time or two–okay, more than a time or two–but there was never any question about married women being off limits.\u00a0 Truth be told, I barely noticed them.\u00a0 There was no point. \u00a0With all the pretty girls in Virginia City, the last thing I needed to worry about was somebody’s wife.\u00a0 I had my hands full most times as it was, what with the good girls at the church and the other girls at the saloon.\u00a0 Once or twice, I’d gotten hints that some of the married ladies in town might have wanted me to do more than tip my hat and say hello, but I was no fool.\u00a0 There were rules about that sort of thing.\u00a0 I knew where the line was, and I didn’t cross it.<\/p>\n

Until I saw Vivian, it was just an ordinary day.\u00a0 Since then, I’ve noticed how often people say that about days that turn out to be special:\u00a0 it was just an ordinary day, right up until it wasn’t.\u00a0 It was a regular day, and then something happened, and the world changed forever.<\/p>\n

On this ordinary, regular day, the sun was shining, and Hoss and I were outside the feed store, loading our order.\u00a0 Then, I looked up, and it stopped being an ordinary, regular day.<\/p>\n

As I said, I’ve had more than my fair share of the ladies.\u00a0 Even so, I always notice a new pretty face in town, and I’m always interested. \u00a0Usually, I work my way over for an introduction in the course of a few minutes at most. \u00a0Adam and Hoss think it’s funny.\u00a0 Once, Adam timed me; I came in under four minutes that day, and I didn’t even know I was on the clock. \u00a0But, like everybody says about their true love, this one was different.\u00a0 I saw her, and I couldn’t do anything but stare.<\/p>\n

“Joe!”\u00a0 Hoss was standing there with a sack of grain.<\/p>\n

“What?”\u00a0 I tore my gaze away from her.<\/p>\n

“Move!”<\/p>\n

I hadn’t realized that I was blocking the buckboard.\u00a0 I moved quickly and turned, hoping to catch a glimpse of her again.\u00a0 Luck was with me, to a point:\u00a0 she was closer, and the view was better.\u00a0 Then, she lifted her left hand to brush a curl back from her face.\u00a0 The smile on my face froze.\u00a0 My stomach twisted.\u00a0 For the tiniest moment, the world shifted beneath my feet.\u00a0 I felt like something precious had been ripped from my hands before I’d even known that I was holding it.<\/p>\n

“Joe?”<\/p>\n

Hoss was looking at me with that quizzical expression he gets when he knows something’s wrong.\u00a0 Everybody underestimates my big brother.\u00a0 He’s never been much for book learning, but he’s head and shoulders above even Brother Adam in natural smarts.\u00a0 I’ve always been able to talk him into pretty much any harebrained scheme that struck my fancy, but I’ve never been able to fool Hoss about anything important.\u00a0 Especially when it comes to stuff like how I feel, my big brother is right on the money.\u00a0 He’s told me how he promised my ma that he’d take care of me.\u00a0 There’s nobody like Hoss for keeping a promise. \u00a0The straight and narrow comes natural to him. \u00a0When I’m ninety and he’s ninety-six and we’re sitting on the porch without a total of three teeth between the two of us, I expect he’ll still be peering at me with that same expression and demanding to know what’s wrong.<\/p>\n

“What?” I demanded.\u00a0 I knew I sounded irritable, but right then, that’s how I felt.<\/p>\n

Hoss glanced over my shoulder at Vivian, and then pinned me with those blue eyes. \u00a0It’s like being held in place by the weight of the sky. \u00a0“Who’s that?”<\/p>\n

I shrugged as if I didn’t care.\u00a0 “Dunno.\u00a0 Never seen her before.”\u00a0 That, at least, was the truth.<\/p>\n

“You know she’s wearing a wedding ring, right?”\u00a0 Hoss wasn’t buying my blas\u00e9 pose.<\/p>\n

“Is she?\u00a0 Oh, well.”\u00a0 I picked up another sack of grain.\u00a0 I felt Hoss’ eyes on me, but I focused on flinging the sack into the buckboard.\u00a0 If I used just a little too much force, Hoss didn’t comment.\u00a0 After a minute, he picked up another sack to load.\u00a0 She walked on, we finished loading the buckboard, and the moment was past.<\/p>\n

That should have been it.\u00a0 There are so many new people in Virginia City that I shouldn’t have had to see her again.\u00a0 Unfortunately, my eldest brother is just a little too sociable.\u00a0 Just a few days later, Adam came home to announce that his new friend, Jeremiah Moore–and Jeremiah’s wife–would be coming to dinner.\u00a0 I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in this news. \u00a0Truth be told, as much as I love my brother, he can bore a man to sleep faster than anybody I’ve ever met, with his talk of poetry and philosophy and other stuff nobody else cares about.\u00a0 If this was someone Adam liked, everybody would be lucky to stay awake until dessert.<\/p>\n

Hoss was gone for the night.\u00a0 (I already said he was smart.)\u00a0 I was out in the barn, saddling Cochise for a trip into town so I could avoid the whole dreary evening, when Jeremiah Moore pulled up in his buggy.\u00a0 Sitting next to him was Vivian.<\/p>\n

The smartest thing I could have done at that moment was to ride out as I’d planned.\u00a0 Problem was, I saw her and I couldn’t breathe.\u00a0 It was like I’d forgotten how.\u00a0 Lucky for me, nobody could see me from out in the yard.\u00a0 I ducked behind Cochise and watched as Moore took her hand to help her from the rig.\u00a0 Pa and Adam came out from the house, and she smiled at both of them.\u00a0 For an insane moment, I wanted to pummel them for being the people she smiled at instead of me.\u00a0 Right then, I decided that I was staying home.\u00a0 Since I’d undoubtedly never see her again after tonight, I’d just stay here and make the most of it.\u00a0 With the best of my Joe Cartwright charm all shined up, I strode into the house.<\/p>\n

“Good evening, everyone!”\u00a0 I strode into the house, the expansive host.<\/p>\n

Pa looked perplexed.\u00a0 Ever subtle, Adam said, “I thought you were going into Virginia City.”<\/p>\n

“Now, now, Older Brother,” I chided.\u00a0 “We have company.\u00a0 My pa raised me better than that.”\u00a0 This was clearly news to Pa, who’d long despaired of my running out on dull houseguests, but he was tactful enough not to comment.<\/p>\n

“Well, we wouldn’t want to keep you,” said Adam.\u00a0 His dark eyes glinted as if he had some inkling why I’d chosen to stay.<\/p>\n

I deflected his gaze like it was a poorly-thrust ep\u00e9e.\u00a0 My mother’s people fenced; my Yankee brother may have been taught the sport, but it’s in my blood. \u00a0He never stood a chance. \u00a0“Not at all,” I said gallantly.\u00a0 “I’m delighted to meet Adam’s friends.”\u00a0 I turned to the husband and extended my hand.\u00a0 “I’m Joe Cartwright.”<\/p>\n

“Jeremiah Moore,” Moore said, apparently seeing nothing amiss.\u00a0 “This is my wife, Vivian.”<\/p>\n

“A pleasure,” I said, shaking his hand.\u00a0 Then, I turned to her.\u00a0 “Mrs. Moore,” I said.\u00a0 Ever the gentleman, I nodded, barely resisting the urge to kiss her hand.<\/p>\n

“Please, call me Vivian,” she said.\u00a0 Her voice was lower-pitched than I’d expected.\u00a0 She sounded like warm honey with lavender blossoms.\u00a0 I caught something unnameable in her eyes as she extended her hand.\u00a0 To hell with being a gentleman.\u00a0 Quickly, before anyone could protest, I drew her hand to my lips.<\/p>\n

“An honor, ma’am,” I said, laying on the southern drawl just a bit so that everyone would know I was simply demonstrating the chivalry of my New Orleans ancestors. \u00a0Pa and Adam looked amused, as if this were simply me being me and there was nothing to worry about with the married lady. \u00a0Moore looked slightly taken aback, but when no one else said anything, he adjusted his tie and pretended that nothing had happened.\u00a0 I deliberately avoided Adam’s eyes as our guests took seats on the settee and I positioned myself across the room, in the blue chair by the stairs.\u00a0 This was not the pure gesture it might have seemed:\u00a0 it afforded me a better view of Vivian than if I’d been sitting closer.<\/p>\n

Pa distributed sherry, and Adam and Moore launched into a wearisome discussion of some book they’d both read.\u00a0 I pretended to focus on them as if they were interesting, but I watched Vivian out of the corner of my eye.\u00a0 At one point, as I sipped my sherry, I looked up to see her looking squarely at me.\u00a0 The expression in her eyes made me choke on my drink, interrupting Adam and Moore.<\/p>\n

“Are you all right?” Vivian asked.<\/p>\n

I nodded, still unable to catch my breath.\u00a0 “I’m fine,” I gasped finally.<\/p>\n

“Perhaps you could use a bit of air,” she suggested.\u00a0 “Would you be kind enough to show me around?”<\/p>\n

The room was silent.\u00a0 It was one of the rare moments when I truly didn’t know what to say.\u00a0 It was like being in the wagon and having the horses start to run–they’re going in the direction you want to go, but you’re getting there a whole lot faster than you’re ready for.\u00a0 Plus, you’re not in control the way you think you should be, and there’s a very real chance that the whole thing is going to turn into a wreck any second.<\/p>\n

I smiled gallantly and looked to Moore for permission.\u00a0 After a moment, he nodded.\u00a0 “Of course, my dear.\u00a0 We must be boring you with all our book discussions,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Not at all, my darling,” she said so smoothly that I wondered if she, too, fenced.\u00a0 “I simply thought that a breath of air before dinner might be nice.”<\/p>\n

I rose.\u00a0 “It would be my pleasure, Mrs. Moore,” I said, offering her my arm.\u00a0 No matter that I’d been told to call her Vivian.\u00a0 At that moment, I instinctively knew that the more formal name was the better course.\u00a0 “We’ll be right outside,” I assured Moore as I escorted the woman of my dreams out to the yard.<\/p>\n

There isn’t much to see in the yard.\u00a0 I knew that the lady had no interest in the horse trough or the corral.\u00a0 With her arm in mine, we strolled over to the spot where you can look between the house and the barn, out into the pasture where the sun sets.\u00a0 I tried to figure out something to tell her about the pasture, but the feel of her hand on my arm turned my brain into custard.\u00a0 We stood in silence, watching the sky turn from blue to pale pink to deeper rose to orange to purple.\u00a0 I wanted nothing more in the world than to stand there with her, watching the sun set, every night of my life.\u00a0 As the sun approached the horizon, I looked down at her.<\/p>\n

She was looking up at me, wide-eyed.\u00a0 Her eyes looked like my heart felt.\u00a0 A shiver ran through my body.\u00a0 There were no words.\u00a0 We both knew.\u00a0 She told me later that she didn’t believe in love at first sight until that night.<\/p>\n

If Pa hadn’t appeared at that moment, I don’t know what would have happened.\u00a0 I’m sure I would have kissed her; I just don’t know what else would have happened.\u00a0 I might have swept her up in my arms, carried her to their buggy, and driven off with her, away from everything.\u00a0 I might have taken her by the hand, marched into the living room, and told Moore that she was leaving him for me.\u00a0 I might have held her so tightly that the two of us truly became one.<\/p>\n

But Pa came around the corner, calling my name.\u00a0 It was enough warning for us to break our gaze and begin moving back toward the house, silhouetted against the fading light.\u00a0 In the yard, it was fresh dark.\u00a0 If we walked slowly enough, the flush in our cheeks could fade before we had to go inside.<\/p>\n

“Oh, Mr. Cartwright, you have the most spectacular sunsets,” said Vivian to Pa.<\/p>\n

“We do our best,” said Pa modestly.\u00a0 Not all my gallantry came from my mother’s side.<\/p>\n

Vivian and I were seated across from each other at dinner.\u00a0 Each of us made studied efforts not to meet the other’s eyes.\u00a0 I was afraid that if I looked at her, I would just fall apart then and there.\u00a0 Adam and Moore were as tedious at dinner as they had been before, but Vivian and I worked to join the conversation anyway.\u00a0 I could tell that Pa was pleased that I was making such an effort.\u00a0 He would have been a lot less pleased if he had known why.<\/p>\n

Finally–far too soon–the Moores took their leave.\u00a0 We walked them out to the yard.\u00a0 I tried to be inconspicuous as I assisted Vivian into the buggy.\u00a0 No one seemed to think it odd that I was so helpful.\u00a0 Under cover of darkness, her hand brushed mine as I helped her up.\u00a0 Her touch, unmistakable in intent, caused a jolt, like lightning, to course through my body.\u00a0 It was all I could do not to yelp.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

To say I was distracted the next day would be an understatement.\u00a0 It was lucky that I was just working in the barn.\u00a0 If I’d been branding calves or herding cattle, my distraction could have been dangerous.\u00a0 I’m not much on carrying a tune, but I hummed as I did my chores.\u00a0 I felt all lit up inside.\u00a0 Pa commented that I seemed to be in a good mood, but nobody else seemed to notice.<\/p>\n

With everything I did, I imagined Vivian standing beside me, watching, admiring.\u00a0 I imagined telling her about my day.\u00a0 I imagined hearing about hers.\u00a0 And then, my imagination started to slide into places it shouldn’t, and I had to haul it back.\u00a0 If my mind started going there, I wasn’t going to get anything done.<\/p>\n

At that point, all my imaginings seemed harmless.\u00a0 I figured that I probably wasn’t going to see her again any time soon, and the tiny part of my brain that still seemed to have some sense told me that this was the way it should be.\u00a0 Besides, with the way Moore had been looking at me when we went outside, I didn’t think he’d be too keen on bringing her back out to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 So, I let my mind run free, picturing Vivian and me together, with her husband conveniently gone.\u00a0 What harm could dreaming do?<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

On Sunday morning, we filed into our usual pew.\u00a0 Pa likes to get to church early, and I’m not much on getting anywhere early, so we usually slide in just before the service starts.\u00a0 I was the last one into the pew, partly because I kept looking around to see if Vivian came to church.\u00a0 Finally, I looked up at the choir, and there she was.\u00a0 My own personal angel, ready to sing to me.<\/p>\n

I don’t remember much about that service.\u00a0 She darted a couple of quick glances at me, but other than that, she looked like she was keeping her attention fixed on her music, the choir director, or the preacher.\u00a0 That was okay.\u00a0 From where I sat, she was right in line behind the preacher, so I could pretend to look at him when I was really looking at her.\u00a0 A whole hour of looking at Vivian.\u00a0 This was what heaven was really like.<\/p>\n

On the way out, as we shook the preacher’s hand, he said, “Joe, would you be interested in serving on our building committee?”\u00a0 The church was raising money to put an addition on, because so many new people were coming to town.<\/p>\n

Pa and my brothers looked as startled as I felt.\u00a0 “Me?” I said.<\/p>\n

Reverend Abbott nodded.\u00a0 “I was told that you might be interested,” he said.<\/p>\n

I was about to tell him that he must have misheard when I caught sight of Vivian across the church.\u00a0 She was looking at me intently and nodding slightly.\u00a0 She couldn’t possibly have heard what Reverend Abbott said, but in a heartbeat, I knew that she was the one who had said I might be interested.\u00a0 “Sure, Reverend, I’d be happy to,” I said.\u00a0 If Vivian wanted me on the building committee, there was probably a reason.<\/p>\n

And there was.\u00a0 When the committee met on Tuesday night, I walked in to find five big, tough men and Vivian, sitting around a table.\u00a0 I tipped my hat to her, took a seat across from her, and did my best to focus on business.\u00a0 Afterward, it was only natural and proper that I offer to escort her home.\u00a0 She took my arm, and we strolled up the street, in no hurry.<\/p>\n

“So, now I’m on the building committee,” I said.<\/p>\n

“Do you mind?” she asked hesitantly.<\/p>\n

I looked at her and smiled.\u00a0 “No,” I said.\u00a0 We walked in silence for half a block before I said, “Are you sure this is a good idea?”<\/p>\n

“No,” she said. \u00a0She knew I didn’t mean the committee.\u00a0 “But I didn’t know what else to do.”\u00a0 She bowed her head.\u00a0 “I’ve never done anything like this before,” she whispered.<\/p>\n

“You haven’t done anything now,” I chided gently.\u00a0 I resisted the urge to lift her chin so that she would meet my eyes; there were still a lot of people out.<\/p>\n

She shook her head.\u00a0 “Of course I have,” she said.\u00a0 “We both have.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean?”\u00a0 I was having that runaway-horse feeling again.<\/p>\n

“I saw you on Sunday,” she said.\u00a0 “You never took your eyes off me the entire service.”\u00a0\u00a0Oh.\u00a0 That.<\/em>\u00a0 “And I knew it, and I liked it.”\u00a0\u00a0Pow.\u00a0 Right in the heart.<\/em>\u00a0 “That’s why I suggested you to Reverend Abbott.”<\/p>\n

“I thought that was you,” I said.<\/p>\n

“It was,” she admitted.\u00a0 “I didn’t know of any other way to see you again.”<\/p>\n

I was used to women trying to snare me, but I’d never known one to be so upfront about it.\u00a0 “You didn’t think I’d come in the store?” I asked.\u00a0 I knew that Moore had bought the mercantile from Willie Gillette when Willie decided to go back east to be near his daughter, but I didn’t know if Vivian worked there.\u00a0 Somehow, she seemed too fine to be working behind a counter.<\/p>\n

“Jeremiah would have been there,” she said.<\/p>\n

I hated the sound of his name. \u00a0Jeremiah, her husband. \u00a0Jeremiah, the man she was going home to.\u00a0 Jeremiah, who could hold her hand, and kiss her, and make love to her, while I went back to the Ponderosa by myself to sleep alone.\u00a0 Just as I was working up a solid hatred for Moore, she stopped and drew her handkerchief out of her reticule.<\/p>\n

“What’s the matter?”\u00a0 I was alarmed.<\/p>\n

She dabbed at her eyes.\u00a0 “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.<\/p>\n

“I don’t understand,” I said.\u00a0 I drew her into the shadows so that her upset wouldn’t be so obvious to passers-by.<\/p>\n

“I’m having all these feelings, and they’re all wrong, and I don’t even know how you feel,” Vivian said.\u00a0 Even in her distress, she kept her voice so low that I could hardly hear her.\u00a0 No one walking past could have overheard.<\/p>\n

In the protection of the shadows, I took her arm and lifted her chin.\u00a0 Tears glistened in her eyes.\u00a0 “I think you do know how I feel,” I said.\u00a0\u00a0Please, let her already know.\u00a0 Please don’t make me say it out loud.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Tell me,” she whispered.<\/p>\n

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” I confessed. \u00a0Saying the words made me dizzy. \u00a0My heart pounded.\u00a0 There was no going back.\u00a0 “God forgive me, but I love you.”<\/p>\n

“Then God forgive us both,” Vivian said.<\/p>\n

For an insane moment, I wanted nothing more than to draw her into my arms, to hold her close and kiss her.\u00a0 I saw someone walking toward us.\u00a0 I blinked back the tears that had welled up in my eyes.\u00a0 Casually, I placed her hand on my arm, covering her hand with mine.\u00a0 We continued up the street as if we were just members of the church building committee, instead of two people who had just confessed to illicit love.<\/p>\n

As we stood in the shadows by her front gate, she turned to me.\u00a0 “What do we do now?”<\/p>\n

I touched her cheek.\u00a0 I had never felt anything as soft and perfect.\u00a0 Everything in me swelled and hummed.\u00a0 I wanted to kiss her more than I’d ever wanted to do anything.\u00a0 “I don’t know,” I said.\u00a0 “Shall we tell your husband?”<\/p>\n

“No!”\u00a0 The word burst forth. \u00a0I felt as if I’d been shot in the heart.\u00a0 She tried to recover. \u00a0“I don’t–I mean–we need to talk more.\u00a0 When can I see you?”<\/p>\n

“You tell me,” I said.\u00a0 I wasn’t sure if she was offering me a consolation prize or asking me for a date.\u00a0 I decided that I didn’t care.\u00a0 I wanted to see her, regardless of her motive. \u00a0“Is there any chance you can get away tomorrow?”<\/p>\n

“I can try.\u00a0 Where?” \u00a0Try.<\/em>\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 Good enough.\u00a0 I’d show up for that.<\/p>\n

“About five miles out of town, there’s a big old oak tree that got struck by lightning a long time ago, and now it’s dead,” I said.\u00a0 “Meet me there tomorrow at ten o’clock.”\u00a0\u00a0And if you don’t come at ten, I’ll sit there until you arrive, no matter how long it takes.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’ll be there,” she said in a breathless whisper.\u00a0 She squeezed my arm and adjusted her hat.\u00a0 “How do I look?”<\/p>\n

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” I whispered.\u00a0 She smiled weakly and darted into the house.\u00a0 For a long time, I stood by the gate, content just to be near her.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

As I rode home, the thrill of Vivian’s love was gradually overshadowed by the reality of her marriage.\u00a0 My conscience began to nudge at me like Cochise when he wants an apple.\u00a0 No matter that we were in love.\u00a0 She was a married woman.\u00a0 I had a date tomorrow–with another man’s wife.\u00a0 My mind’s ear could hear Pa yelling, demanding to know what on earth was wrong with me, whether I had any sense at all, didn’t I understand that marriage vows were sacred, where I got the audacity even to consider becoming involved with Mrs. Moore, and whether he’d taught me anything at all since I apparently hadn’t mastered the basic difference between right and wrong.\u00a0 I could see the anger in his eyes, and more than that:\u00a0 I saw his disappointment, as if I’d let him down in some fundamental way, as if I’d failed to be the son he’d hoped I would become. \u00a0In my imagination, my brothers stood behind him, somber, nodding agreement with Pa, and I stood alone on the other side of Pa’s desk, empty-handed and guilty as sin.<\/p>\n

By the time I walked into the house, my conscience had pretty well tamped down my excitement about the evening’s events.\u00a0 Pa was asleep in his red leather chair, book in his lap.\u00a0 Even now, with all of us as old as we are, he can’t seem to make himself go to bed until we’re all home.\u00a0 I patted his shoulder, and he instantly awoke.<\/p>\n

“Everybody’s home,” I grinned.\u00a0 For a moment, life seemed normal again.<\/p>\n

Pa rose and stretched.\u00a0 “Did you have a nice evening?”\u00a0 He smiled at me.\u00a0 If he’d only known.<\/p>\n

A nice evening?\u00a0 Let’s see. \u00a0Jeremiah Moore’s wife told me she loved me.\u00a0 I told Mrs.\u00a0Moore that I loved her, too.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0It wouldn’t exactly count as “nice” in my father’s world.\u00a0 “Appalling” might be closer to the truth.<\/p>\n

“It was fine,” I said.\u00a0 I hated lying to Pa.\u00a0 “Fine” as about as close as I could come to summing up my feelings.\u00a0 It was a nice, bland word that could mean anything or nothing at all.<\/p>\n

Pa was sleepy enough not to inquire further.\u00a0 “Well, good night, son,” he yawned.<\/p>\n

In my room, I closed the door and looked in the glass over the dresser.\u00a0 The man who looked back at me had familiar features, but there was a look in his eyes that I’d never seen.\u00a0 He didn’t look like anybody I knew or respected.\u00a0 He was in love with another man’s wife. \u00a0He would steal that man’s wife if he were given half a chance.\u00a0 He would throw over everything he had ever been taught about right and wrong and risk hurting innocent people, just for the chance to kiss a married woman.<\/p>\n

“Who the hell are you?” I asked him.<\/p>\n

The man in the mirror had no answer.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

It took some fancy maneuvering, including some outright lies to my brothers, but I made it to the oak tree just before ten o’clock.\u00a0 I waited.\u00a0 And waited.\u00a0 The later it got, the more I was sure she’d told Moore everything last night, and he’d done something awful to keep her from coming.\u00a0 When I finally saw her coming down the Virginia City road, I almost cried from sheer relief.<\/p>\n

As she pulled up to the tree, I said, “Come on.”\u00a0 I rode ahead of her, off the road and into a little secluded spot where no one would see the rig or Cochise.\u00a0 Then, I swung her down from the buggy, my hands nearly spanning her waist, and set her down.\u00a0 My arms went around her, and hers around me, and we held each other close in the shade of the trees.\u00a0 Then, we drew back ever so slightly, and I kissed her.<\/p>\n

Immediately, we both knew that was a mistake.\u00a0 We broke apart and stood looking at each other.\u00a0 She looked like she was going to cry, and I felt like it myself.\u00a0 “I’m sorry,” I whispered.\u00a0 “I didn’t mean–I’m so sorry.”\u00a0 I didn’t dare touch her, for fear I’d kiss her again.<\/p>\n

Vivian walked toward the stream.\u00a0 I started to follow, but she held up her hand.\u00a0 “Please,” she said.\u00a0 I stayed by the horses, and she sat on a rock by the stream.\u00a0 I couldn’t tell if she was crying.<\/p>\n

Finally, I approached her.\u00a0 I made sure to be noisy so that she could tell me to stop if she wanted to, but she didn’t.\u00a0 I squatted a couple feet away from her.\u00a0 “Are you okay?”<\/p>\n

“I just kissed a man who isn’t my husband,” she said dully.\u00a0 “How okay could I be?”<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry,” I said again.\u00a0 “I wasn’t thinking.\u00a0 I just–I’m sorry.”\u00a0 I was.\u00a0 Not because I kissed her, but because she was unhappy.<\/p>\n

She turned to me.\u00a0 Her eyes glistened with tears.\u00a0 People always talk about me having green eyes, but let me tell you, mine are nothing compared to Vivian’s.\u00a0 Mine are more like brownish-green; Ella Mae Fuller, who was my girlfriend for three whole weeks when I was fourteen, told me they were hazel.\u00a0 Vivian’s eyes were really green.\u00a0 There was nothing brown about them.\u00a0 They were like looking at the best, most lush pastureland after a spring rain.\u00a0 And with the tears standing in them, her eyes were luminous.\u00a0 It was all I could do not to kiss her again.<\/p>\n

“The problem is, I wanted to kiss you,” she said.\u00a0 I breathed a sigh of relief.\u00a0 “I love you, and I wanted to kiss you, but I’m married.”\u00a0 That certainly summed up the problem.\u00a0 It wasn’t much for a solution, though.\u00a0 I sat down on the ground, a respectful distance from her.\u00a0 We said nothing for what seemed like a long time.\u00a0 Finally, Vivian said, “I should be getting back.”<\/p>\n

I got to my feet and extended a hand to help her up.\u00a0 I pulled a little too hard, though, and she landed smack against me, her arms around my neck.\u00a0 Laughing, we started to extricate ourselves.\u00a0 Then, our eyes met, and we were kissing again.\u00a0 The world swirled and dipped, and nothing mattered except the feel of Vivian.\u00a0 She pressed herself against me, and I held her as tightly as I could.<\/p>\n

“I love you,” I murmured into her hair.<\/p>\n

“I love you,” she whispered. \u00a0She looked up at me, teary and exquisitely beautiful. \u00a0She was so delicate, so lovely.\u00a0 I wiped away her tears with my fingertips, careful of her fragility.<\/p>\n

“I don’t want you to be unhappy,” I said.\u00a0 “If I’m making you unhappy, I’ll go right now, and you’ll never see me again.”\u00a0 My heart contracted with the fear that she would accept my offer.<\/p>\n

“The idea of never seeing you again would make me much more unhappy,” said Vivian.\u00a0 Relief flooded through me like sunshine.\u00a0 I held her gently.<\/p>\n

“Then what do we do?”\u00a0 I asked.\u00a0 It wasn’t a leading question.\u00a0 I had no idea what came next.<\/p>\n

Neither did Vivian.\u00a0 “Maybe we should try to stay apart,” she said.\u00a0 “At least then, we’d be more likely to stop kissing.”<\/p>\n

The notion of not kissing her sounded dreadful, painful.\u00a0 I could feel my heart starving at the thought.\u00a0 But if it was what she wanted, it was what we’d do. \u00a0For Vivian, I could endure anything. \u00a0“Okay,” I said.\u00a0 “But if we’re going to be apart, I need one last kiss for the road.”\u00a0 I drew her into my arms, and we stood beneath the trees, kissing, until we were both lightheaded.\u00a0 Then, I lifted her into the rig.<\/p>\n

“Drive carefully, my love,” I said.\u00a0 She flashed me a brilliant smile and drove away, leaving Cochise and me alone by the stream.<\/p>\n

Over the next several weeks, the pattern became a familiar one.\u00a0 We would agree not to meet.\u00a0 Eventually, we would meet.\u00a0 We’d find a secluded spot, and we’d kiss and hold each other.\u00a0 Only the tattered remnants of my sense of honor kept me from asking for the more I desperately wanted.\u00a0 We’d talk at length about why our being together was so wrong, but then we’d talk about how much we loved each other, as if that made the other part all right.<\/p>\n

The problem for me was that how I felt changed with where I was.\u00a0 When I was with Vivian, nothing else mattered.\u00a0 I could put my feelings of guilt aside just by touching her cheek.\u00a0 When we were in our private world, the only thing that mattered was us.\u00a0 No one else knew, so no one else mattered.\u00a0 When I looked into her eyes, the meaning of right and wrong changed:\u00a0 right meant being with her, and wrong meant being without her.\u00a0 It wasn’t possible that our being together, our being in love, was a sin.\u00a0 Nothing this beautiful could be wrong.<\/p>\n

After she went home, though, the sunshine would fade, and the call of my conscience would begin.\u00a0 She was married.\u00a0 She had a husband.\u00a0 I didn’t know if our being together was technically considered adultery, but if it wasn’t, it was awfully close.\u00a0 Even though I’d never paid that much attention in Sunday school, I found myself remembering the part of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus said that if you look at a woman with lust, you’ve already committed adultery with her in your heart.\u00a0 No two ways about it, I’d looked at Vivian with lust. \u00a0I’d thought of her with lust.\u00a0 I’d listened to her, touched her, smelled her, tasted her, all with lust.\u00a0 Guilty as charged.\u00a0 Guilty.\u00a0 Guilty.\u00a0 Guilty.<\/p>\n

It was even harder for Vivian.\u00a0 After all, she was the one who had to go home and see Moore after lying beside the stream in my arms, kissing me and telling me how much she loved me.\u00a0 Sometimes, she’d get all quiet.\u00a0 When she did, I knew she was feeling guilty.\u00a0 I hated that our being together made her feel so bad.\u00a0 I told her that I’d rather be without her than make her so unhappy.<\/p>\n

“It would be worse if I didn’t have you,” she said.\u00a0 A single tear trickled down her cheek.\u00a0 She looked so forlorn that I had to kiss her, again and again.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, we hid in plain sight. \u00a0No pretending not to know each other, but no untoward contact, either. \u00a0I’d come into the mercantile, and she would greet me like any other customer.\u00a0 I’d walk her home after building committee meetings.\u00a0 We’d stop and chat if we encountered each other on the street, just like we were regular people with no secrets between them. \u00a0As time went on and we became more comfortable with our secret, we became bolder.\u00a0 Finally, at one of the Saturday night socials, I asked Moore if I could dance with her.\u00a0 He looked slightly taken aback, and Vivian laughed.<\/p>\n

“Oh, you just want to talk about how many windows to put in the church addition!” she teased.\u00a0 To her husband, she said, “I think there should be lots of windows so that there’s lots of light, but the men want fewer–they say it’s too much work to make all those windows.” \u00a0To me, she said, “If I dance with you, can we have six windows on each side?”<\/p>\n

“How about three?” I joked. \u00a0Moore relaxed slightly and nodded his consent.\u00a0 Then, in front of God and Virginia City, I escorted my love out onto the dance floor.\u00a0 We waltzed around the floor in absolutely proper form.\u00a0 I was careful not to hold her too close or to grasp her too tightly.\u00a0 We wore our public smiles, but the sparkle in her eyes was anything but public.\u00a0 I’m pretty sure mine looked the same.<\/p>\n

I thought we’d been discreet, but the next afternoon, when I was cleaning out the barn, Hoss came in.\u00a0 “We need to talk,” he said without preamble.<\/p>\n

“Sure.”\u00a0 I didn’t know if it was my guilty conscience, but suddenly, I had a bad feeling about this talk.\u00a0 I rested the pitchfork against the wall.\u00a0 “What can I do for you?”<\/p>\n

“There’s been some talk,” Hoss said.\u00a0 I waited.\u00a0 “About you and Mrs.\u00a0Moore,” he finished finally.<\/p>\n

My heart was in my throat.\u00a0 Of all the people in the world whom I didn’t want to know about our affair, Hoss was at the top of the list.\u00a0 Oddly, I’d rather Adam have known, or even Pa.\u00a0 Both of them would have chewed my head off, shouting and raging about how wrong this was, and both of them would have told me, in no uncertain terms, how mightily disappointed they were in me and how they expected me to put the situation to rights immediately.\u00a0 I knew, though, that I could survive their haranguing.\u00a0 It would be loud, angry, and out in the open.<\/p>\n

Hoss was different.\u00a0 First, Hoss would never yell at me–not about something like this.\u00a0 It wasn’t as if he hadn’t talked sternly to me in my time. \u00a0He’d even threatened to thrash me every now and again.\u00a0 From the time I was four, I knew it was just talk, but I recognized that it meant that he was really upset with me.\u00a0 I’d corrected my behavior so he wouldn’t be upset with me, not from fear of a thrashing.\u00a0 Pa and Adam might have to tan me to get me to change my ways, but all Hoss had to do was to look at me a particular way, and I felt like dirt. \u00a0It was something no one else understood:\u00a0 as much as I loved and respected Pa and Adam, absolutely nothing meant more to me than Hoss’ good opinion.<\/p>\n

“What kind of talk?” I asked.\u00a0 I tried to be casual.\u00a0 Hoss did not look convinced, but it was clear that he was unsure why he had a question.\u00a0 He just knew that something wasn’t quite right.<\/p>\n

“Talk that mebbe you and Mrs.\u00a0Moore are doin’ something you shouldn’t,” Hoss said finally.\u00a0 I could see that it cost him to say even that much out loud.\u00a0 In that moment, I hated myself.<\/p>\n

My big brother was the most pure, innocent soul I knew.\u00a0 He was incapable of seeing evil or dishonor in anyone he loved, least of all his baby brother.\u00a0 As I stood in that barn, there was no doubt in my mind that Hoss simply could not conceive of my doing what I had done.\u00a0 He hated having to tell me that this was the talk around town, but he didn’t believe it could really be true.\u00a0 In his mind, I would never do such a thing.\u00a0 It wasn’t even a question.\u00a0 He would have to see with his own eyes Vivian and me making love in order to believe it true.\u00a0 Short of that, he would defend me with everything he had.<\/p>\n

I hated the fact that he was so loyal, so faithful and so wrong.\u00a0 I felt like I was making a fool of him. \u00a0I wanted him to know the truth, if only so that he would stop defending me. \u00a0I wanted to be able to talk to him, to tell him everything, even at the same moment that I wanted to protect him from the knowledge of what his little brother truly was.\u00a0 Maybe it was just plain selfish, but I missed confiding in Hoss.\u00a0 One of the problems with having a secret love is that you can’t tell anybody about it.\u00a0 Time was when Hoss would have been sick to death of hearing me prattle on about the girl of the week.\u00a0 Now, the only person I could talk to about my feelings for Vivian was Vivian.\u00a0 In a strange way, this strengthened the bond between us.\u00a0 Since each of us was the only one the other could tell about this huge, important thing in our lives, it drew us closer than we might have been if it had been a normal courtship.\u00a0 This, in turn, made us want to be together even more.<\/p>\n

And now Hoss was knocking at the door to our secret world, even if he didn’t know it.\u00a0 The selfish part of me wanted to let him in.\u00a0 When Vivian wasn’t around, I was lonely.\u00a0 I’ve never been one to keep things to myself.\u00a0 Adam used to tell me that it was okay to have an unexpressed thought once in a while, but the truth is, I usually don’t.\u00a0 Until Vivian, if I thought or felt something, I’d blurt it out to pretty much whoever was standing in front of me.\u00a0 Even if I tried to keep something to myself, it wouldn’t last long.\u00a0 That’s just the way I’ve always been, ever since I was a kid.\u00a0 So, all this secrecy was new to me.\u00a0 Even though hiding was the price of being with the woman I loved, I didn’t like it.\u00a0 I felt isolated, not being able to tell my family about the most important thing in my world.\u00a0 It was like living with a window between me and the rest of them.<\/p>\n

“What are you talkin’ about?”\u00a0 My stomach twisted, but I kept my voice light.\u00a0 I needed to know how much he knew.<\/p>\n

“Don’t you be playin’ games with me,” Hoss said. \u00a0I was taken aback by his directness.\u00a0 I’d expected that he would move heaven and earth to avoid this discussion.\u00a0 His blue eyes were troubled as he continued, “Ever’body seen you two dancin’ last night.\u00a0 An’ now you’re out here, cleanin’ out the barn on a Sunday when you could be doin’ most anythin’ else.”\u00a0 He moved closer to me, and I backed up a step.\u00a0 “You don’t wanna talk to nobody.”\u00a0 It wasn’t a question.<\/p>\n

Well, he had me there.\u00a0 As things with Vivian had progressed, I’d withdrawn from my family.\u00a0 It was self-defense–otherwise, I was liable to slip up and say something that would give it all away.\u00a0 I didn’t think it had been obvious, but maybe it had.\u00a0 It had been weeks since I’d talked to anyone except Vivian about anything but the most trivial topics.\u00a0 With Pa and my brothers, I talked about work.\u00a0 With my friends, it was poker and horses.\u00a0 I was mostly just avoiding Hop Sing, because you couldn’t get anything past him–he was worse than the fortune teller at the fair for knowing stuff you were trying to keep secret.<\/p>\n

“I have work to do,” I said defensively.\u00a0 “I got behind in my chores this week, and I’m catching up.\u00a0 There’s nothing wrong with that.”<\/p>\n

Hoss looked unconvinced.\u00a0 I leaned on the pitchfork and met his gaze.\u00a0 I might have managed the moment, but when I saw his eyes, loving and troubled and scared of what I might say, I couldn’t meet them.\u00a0 I dropped my eyes, and I knew he knew the truth.<\/p>\n

“Joe, what’s goin’ on with you and Mrs. Moore?” \u00a0He sounded slightly panicked as he tried to backtrack.\u00a0 I could almost hear him frantically trying to avoid adding two and two together.<\/p>\n

I tried to pretend to be offended.\u00a0 Instead, my voice skidded out of control, up into its highest range, and I sounded like a scared kid.\u00a0 “Hoss!\u00a0 What are you asking?\u00a0 She’s married!”<\/p>\n

“I know,” he said.\u00a0 He sounded almost desperate, begging me to deny everything.\u00a0 “The question is, do you?”<\/p>\n

“Do I what?” I demanded.<\/p>\n

“Know she’s married,” said Hoss miserably.<\/p>\n

“Of course I do,” I retorted.\u00a0 As if I could possibly have forgotten for a single moment.\u00a0 The hand that caressed my cheek wore another man’s wedding band.\u00a0 The low, sweet voice that expressed her love to me had said the same words to her lawfully wedded husband.\u00a0 The lips that sought mine so passionately in secret could be kissed by Moore in daylight.\u00a0 When we parted, she went home to his bed.\u00a0 Did I know she was married?\u00a0 It wasn’t likely to slip my mind.<\/p>\n

“That ain’t what I mean,” said Hoss.\u00a0 He might be dreading what was to come, but he was not going to be steered off course so easily. \u00a0This was far too serious for that. \u00a0He drew closer, and his voice softened.\u00a0 “I seen the way you look at her,” he said.\u00a0 “And I seen how she looks at you.”\u00a0 I tried to move away, but he held my arm.\u00a0 “You tell me the truth now,” he said.<\/p>\n

It would have been so easy to lie, but I couldn’t.\u00a0 Not to Hoss.\u00a0 “It’s not what you think,” I said finally.<\/p>\n

“How so?”\u00a0 He was willing to accept almost any halfway believable answer.<\/p>\n

“We’re not–well–it’s not–we don’t–”\u00a0 I didn’t know how to tell him what wasn’t going on between Vivian and me.\u00a0 Luckily, he seemed to get it, and he relaxed slightly.<\/p>\n

“What\u00a0is<\/em>\u00a0goin’ on?” he asked, not releasing my arm.<\/p>\n

I looked him in the eye defiantly and swallowed hard.\u00a0 “We’re in love,” I said.<\/p>\n

A look of pure horror crossed Hoss’ face. \u00a0He dropped my arm and stepped back. \u00a0“No,” he breathed.\u00a0 “You ain’t.\u00a0 You couldn’t.”<\/p>\n

I nodded.\u00a0 “We didn’t want this, but it’s true,” I said.<\/p>\n

Hoss sat down heavily on the feed box.\u00a0 It was like his legs couldn’t hold him up.\u00a0 When he looked up, the look in his eyes almost drove me to my knees:\u00a0 disappointment, disgust, outrage, sorrow, and something else, like he was looking at somebody he thought he knew who turned out to be a stranger.\u00a0 I recognized the look.\u00a0 It was the one I saw every morning in the glass over my bureau.<\/p>\n

But in all my life, Hoss had never looked at me like that, no matter what I’d done.\u00a0 My big brother is the least judgmental man I’ve ever met.\u00a0 From Adam, I’d have expected that reaction. \u00a0I could have handled it from him.\u00a0 From Hoss, it was devastating.\u00a0 It was even worse than disappointing Pa.\u00a0 Hoss had always been my champion, my best friend, the one who believed in me when I couldn’t.\u00a0 When I was so wrong that even I knew it, Hoss was still on my side.\u00a0 I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.\u00a0 I tried to blink them away, but more came in their place.\u00a0 I knew in that moment that if I’d thought at the beginning about how Hoss would react, I might not have gone through with that first meeting with Vivian.<\/p>\n

“Hoss, please try to understand,” I pleaded.\u00a0 “Neither one of us wanted this to happen.\u00a0 It just did.\u00a0 We tried to fight it.\u00a0 We know it’s wrong.\u00a0 But–we love each other.”<\/p>\n

“But, Joe!”\u00a0 His eyes were fixed on my boots, as if he’d find a different answer there.<\/p>\n

“Hoss?\u00a0 Hoss?”\u00a0 He didn’t look up. \u00a0I took a step toward him, reaching for him.<\/p>\n

He drew back.\u00a0 Away from me.<\/p>\n

I stood still.\u00a0 My big brother couldn’t bear even to look at me, much less to be near me.\u00a0 The man I loved and respected so much–in some ways, even more than Pa–was so disgusted by me that he couldn’t look me in the eye.\u00a0 Couldn’t stomach having me stand beside him.\u00a0 Couldn’t abide my touch on his arm.<\/p>\n

I never felt so alone in my life.\u00a0 It was like Hoss had died and left me forever.\u00a0 I was twenty-three years old, and as I stood in that barn, my tears flowed down my cheeks like I was a little kid again.\u00a0 For a moment, I knew again the sick pain that I’d felt when my mother died.\u00a0 The unthinkable had happened again.\u00a0 This time, it was Hoss who had abandoned me.<\/p>\n

I tried to make him listen.\u00a0 “Hoss, please.\u00a0 Please don’t hate me.\u00a0 I didn’t ask to fall in love with her.\u00a0 It just happened.\u00a0 Just–please don’t hate me.”\u00a0 I’d never begged anyone for anything in my life before that moment, but I’d gratefully have gotten down on my knees if it would bring my brother back.<\/p>\n

He didn’t look up.\u00a0 He didn’t speak.\u00a0 He didn’t move.\u00a0 It was like I hadn’t said a word.<\/p>\n

I stumbled into Cochise’s stall, desperate for someone to hold onto.\u00a0 I fought not to cry as I clung to my old friend, knee-deep in the wreckage of my old life.\u00a0 For the very first time, it occurred to me to wonder if Vivian was worth what she was costing me.<\/p>\n

I don’t know how long I stood there before I felt Hoss’ hand on my shoulder.\u00a0 When I looked up, he had tears in his eyes, too.\u00a0 “Come here, you,” he said, his voice thick with sorrow and love.\u00a0 I flung myself against his broad chest like I did when I was five years old, and he wrapped his arms around me.\u00a0 “I don’t hate ya,” he murmured, stroking my hair.\u00a0 “I couldn’t do that.”\u00a0 He held me close, the way he did when I was little, and I cried for everything that had happened, for everything I’d compromised, everything I’d become.<\/p>\n

After a long time, I lifted my head.\u00a0 I swiped my eyes and nose with my sleeve, and Hoss chuckled.\u00a0 “You know better than that,” he said.<\/p>\n

“You could say that about a lot of things these days,” I said quietly.\u00a0 Hoss’ smile faded.\u00a0 “I don’t know what to do,” I said.<\/p>\n

“Yeah, you do,” said Hoss.<\/p>\n

“I love her,” I said simply.<\/p>\n

“She’s married,” said Hoss, just as simply.\u00a0 For a moment, I wanted to live in Hoss’ world, where everything was so easy, so black and white.\u00a0 Only a few short months ago, I’d lived in that world.\u00a0 Then, I met Vivian, and we’d led each other out of the world of absolutes into a place where everything was about shades of gray and what you could explain or excuse, and the only thing you could be sure of was love.<\/p>\n

“I know,” I said.\u00a0 “I didn’t mean to love her.\u00a0 I didn’t want to love her.\u00a0 But I do.”<\/p>\n

“It’s wrong,” said Hoss.\u00a0 His eyes were as red and teary as mine.\u00a0 I patted my pockets and found no handkerchief to offer him.\u00a0 I shrugged, and we smiled watery smiles.<\/p>\n

“I know,” I said.\u00a0 We stood in Cochise’s stall for a long time, saying nothing.\u00a0 Finally, Hoss patted my shoulder.<\/p>\n

“You’ll figger it out,” he said.\u00a0 He turned to go.<\/p>\n

“Hoss?”\u00a0 Irrational panic streaked through me at the idea of his leaving.<\/p>\n

He turned back, smiling.\u00a0 “Don’t you worry,” he said.\u00a0 “Ol’ Hoss is here for you.”\u00a0 He tousled my hair like I was a kid.\u00a0 “You’ll do the right thing,” he said.\u00a0 In that moment, he sounded as much like a fortune teller as Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

That evening at dinner, I was so quiet that Pa asked if everything was okay.\u00a0 “Oh, sure,” I said.\u00a0 “I’m just tired.”\u00a0 The last part was true.\u00a0 The scene with Hoss had left me exhausted.\u00a0 After he left the barn, all I could think about was how Pa and Adam would react if they knew.\u00a0 I don’t know how I’d managed to avoid thinking about them up to now, but when Hoss looked at me like he did, I couldn’t fool myself any more.\u00a0 One way or another, Vivian and I were going to have to make a decision.<\/p>\n

The next morning, I rode into town early.\u00a0 Pa had some banking to be done, and I said I’d take care of it.\u00a0 He and Adam and Hoss were coming in later for a meeting.\u00a0 At breakfast, when I’d offered to do the banking, Hoss shot me a quick look, chastising and loving and stern all at the same time.\u00a0 It occurred to me that, even though everybody thinks Adam is just like Pa, Hoss is the one who has Pa’s patience and wisdom.<\/p>\n

C Street was quiet that morning.\u00a0 I strode into the bank and stopped dead.\u00a0 There was one other customer in the bank, and it was Moore.\u00a0 Quick, before anybody noticed my reaction, I said, “Morning, Moore!”<\/p>\n

Moore turned around.\u00a0 He always looked at me with some faint suspicion, just as if he thought I was doing exactly what I was doing, but he didn’t think he could prove it.\u00a0 “Morning, Cartwright,” he said.\u00a0 To the teller, he said, “That’s everything, thank you.”<\/p>\n

The teller, Billy Waltham, had only been working there for a few months.\u00a0 He opened his mouth to say something to Moore, and I saw his jaw drop and his eyes get big.\u00a0 I turned to see what he was looking at.\u00a0 Three men with kerchiefs over their faces and revolvers drawn had just come in the door, so quiet Moore and I hadn’t even heard them.\u00a0 They locked the door and drew the blinds.\u00a0 The one in the middle, the biggest of the three, said, “You two.\u00a0 Behind the counter, on the floor.”\u00a0 I’d been in enough robbery situations to know that the thing to do was to listen to them.\u00a0 Moore looked like he wanted to fight.<\/p>\n

“Come on,” I hissed.<\/p>\n

“Hands in the air, drop the gun belt,” said the big robber.\u00a0 I resisted the urge to ask how I was supposed to undo my gun belt with my hands in the air.\u00a0 Smart talk can get a man killed real fast.\u00a0 I dropped my gun belt and went behind the counter.<\/p>\n

Billy was already on the floor.\u00a0 He was trying not to cry, but he wasn’t doing very well.\u00a0 “It’s okay,” I whispered.\u00a0 “Just do what they say, and you’ll be okay.”\u00a0 Not that I could guarantee anything, but Billy seemed just a little bit less terrified, so I must have sounded better than I felt.\u00a0 I looked around.\u00a0 I knew the bank president, Mr.\u00a0Chambers, kept a pistol behind the counter, but I didn’t see it.<\/p>\n

“Move!” shouted the big guy.\u00a0 He shoved Moore back behind the counter so hard that he fell to his knees.\u00a0 “You two!\u00a0 Down!”\u00a0 I nodded to Billy, and we both lay down flat.\u00a0 The big guy smacked Moore in the head, and Moore lay down as well.<\/p>\n

“I’m gonna make a run for it,” whispered Moore.\u00a0 He was turning red, and sweat was beading up on his forehead.\u00a0 I started to get worried.\u00a0 It wasn’t hot in there.<\/p>\n

“Are you crazy?\u00a0 They’ll kill you before you get to the door,” I hissed.<\/p>\n

“You think I’m just gonna lie here and let them rob the bank?\u00a0 That’s my money in that vault,” Moore hissed back.<\/p>\n

Damn fool.\u00a0 “It’s just money,” I said.\u00a0 “It’s not worth your life.”\u00a0\u00a0Not like you were protecting a person–like maybe your wife. . . .<\/em><\/p>\n

“Maybe it ain’t worth nothing to you,” said Moore.\u00a0 “But everything I own is tied up in that store and this bank.\u00a0 I’m not a rich kid who takes whatever he wants.\u00a0 I’ve had to earn everything I have.”<\/p>\n

A rich kid who takes whatever he wants.<\/em>\u00a0 Dear God.\u00a0 He knew.\u00a0 Even lying flat, I felt dizzy.\u00a0 Insanely, I prayed that if Moore survived and I didn’t, he’d at least keep his big mouth shut so that Pa would never have to know about Vivian.<\/p>\n

The robbers were stuffing the contents of the vault into bags.\u00a0 I assumed they were planning to go out the back.\u00a0 They may have come in the front, but there was no way they were going to get anywhere walking out the same way.\u00a0 Slowly, silently, I slid my hand under the counter.\u00a0 The pistol was right where I’d last seen it, back when Amelia Fuller was working here and she showed me all around.\u00a0 The pistol wasn’t the only thing she showed me when we were back here. \u00a0I pushed the memory away. \u00a0Slowly, quietly, I reached for the gun and slid it under my body.<\/p>\n

“What was that?” whispered Moore.<\/p>\n

“Nothing you need to worry about,” I said.\u00a0 “Just stay where you are.\u00a0 They’ll be gone in a minute.”<\/p>\n

“How do you know so much about bank robberies?”\u00a0 Moore asked suspiciously.<\/p>\n

“Been through this before,” I said.\u00a0 I tried to sound casual, even though my heart was thudding in my chest.\u00a0 It occurred to me to wonder if this was God’s way of punishing me for loving Vivian.<\/p>\n

It’s funny what the mind fixates on at these moments.\u00a0 As we lay there on that dusty wooden floor, not knowing at ten o’clock if we’d live until five after, all I could think of was that I’d forgotten to tell Pa about the hole in the fence at the far side of the east pasture.\u00a0 It was so far out at the edge that you’d never see it unless you were deliberately riding the fence, but it was big enough to cause real problems.\u00a0 I caught myself wondering if it would be possible to leave a note in case I didn’t survive.\u00a0 At least I knew I wasn’t alone in my irrationality. \u00a0Adam once told me how, when he and Hoss had been held hostage in a line shack, all he could think of was how much he wanted a nice, juicy pork chop, and he doesn’t even like pork all that much.\u00a0 Hoss, of all people, said he’d regretted not having had a bath and a shave when they were in town that afternoon.<\/p>\n

The robbers came out of the vault, lugging bags of cash and gold bars.\u00a0 “What do you want to do with them?” one of the robbers asked the big guy.\u00a0 “Kill ’em?”<\/p>\n

“That wouldn’t be very smart,” I offered, as if I were in a position to give advice.\u00a0 I tried to sound off-handed, like my mouth weren’t wretchedly dry.\u00a0 I might have been through this before, but it never got easier. \u00a0“Right now, you leave, it’s just bank robbery.\u00a0 If you kill us and they catch you, you hang.”<\/p>\n

“You’re pretty sharp,” said the big guy.\u00a0 “But how do we know you ain’t comin’ after us as soon as we ride out?”<\/p>\n

“Because that’ll be the deal,” I said as if this were a simple business discussion.\u00a0 There was no bullet in my brain.\u00a0 I found that promising.\u00a0 If I’d angered them with my suggestion, we would all have been dead by now.\u00a0 “You don’t kill us, we’ll stay here for ten minutes before we say anything.\u00a0 If we don’t do what we say, you’ll come back and kill us anyway.”<\/p>\n

The big guy laughed.\u00a0 “Got this all thought out, do you?”<\/p>\n

“I had a few minutes,” I said.\u00a0 “What do you say?\u00a0 Deal?”<\/p>\n

Moore snarled.\u00a0 “I’m not making any deals with the likes of them!”\u00a0 He sprang up from the floor and lunged toward the robbers.<\/p>\n

“I’ve got a gun!”\u00a0 I shouted, rolling over and firing at the robbers, hoping to draw their fire before they could shoot him down.\u00a0 Then, the world exploded, and everything went black.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

My right shoulder was on fire.\u00a0 My side burned, but not as bad.\u00a0 I fought to open my eyes.\u00a0 Doc Martin’s wife, Rose, was sitting next to me.\u00a0 “Well, look who’s back,” she said, wiping my face with a cool cloth.\u00a0 Nausea overtook me, and she held the basin to my mouth.\u00a0 After I’d vomited, Rose wiped my mouth and lifted a glass of water to my lips.<\/p>\n

“Is he awake?”\u00a0 Doc bustled over to me.<\/p>\n

“How’s-”\u00a0 I couldn’t remember their names.<\/p>\n

“Billy Waltham’s fine,” said Doc.\u00a0 “Stayed down, just like you told him.\u00a0 Jeremiah Moore was hit in the leg.\u00a0 Nothing serious.\u00a0 You took down one of the robbers.\u00a0 The other two escaped.”\u00a0 Two wounded, one dead.\u00a0 He sounded so matter-of-fact.\u00a0 I guess that’s a doctor’s life in a place like Virginia City.\u00a0 I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n

The bell jangled as the door opened.\u00a0 “Where is he?\u00a0 Is he all right?\u00a0 Is he alive?”\u00a0 Vivian sounded frantic.\u00a0 I forced my eyes open and tried to speak to catch her attention.<\/p>\n

“He’s fine,” said Doc, obliterating the tiny sound I’d made.\u00a0 “He’s over there,” he added, gesturing to the other side of the room.<\/p>\n

“Vivian,” said Moore weakly.<\/p>\n

I saw her hesitate.\u00a0 Then, Vivian crossed the room to her husband, and Moore flung his arms around her.\u00a0 Another wave of nausea rolled over me, and I closed my eyes.\u00a0 But in the moment before Pa and my brothers burst through the door, loud and worried and demanding to know everything, I heard Rose Martin murmur to her husband, “That’s not the ‘he’ she was talking about.”<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The next morning, I woke to find Hoss dozing in the chair beside my bed.\u00a0 I had vague memories of the trip back to the Ponderosa, but the laudanum Doc Martin had given me for the pain had knocked me out.<\/p>\n

“Where’s Pa?”\u00a0 My voice was raspy and weak, but Hoss woke instantly.<\/p>\n

“I sent him to bed a few hours ago,” Hoss said.\u00a0 “He’d been sittin’ here ever since we got you home.”\u00a0 Typical Pa.\u00a0 Typical Hoss, too.\u00a0 And if I knew my brother, Adam, he was out organizing all the hands so that everybody’s work would be taken care of until I was back on my feet.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing tapped on the door, then opened it without waiting for an answer.\u00a0 “You drink this,” he said, handing a cup to Hoss.\u00a0 His tone left no room for arguing, even if I’d felt like it.\u00a0 He peered at me in that way he has that makes me feel like he can see clear through me.\u00a0 Then, unexpectedly, he broke into a big smile.\u00a0 “Little Joe be just fine,” he announced.\u00a0 Pigtail bouncing, he turned and left.<\/p>\n

Hoss rolled his eyes, grinning.\u00a0 He helped me sit up and tried to give me the cup, but my hand wasn’t steady enough, so he held it with me.\u00a0 It was one of Hop Sing’s nasty-tasting brews. \u00a0If it wasn’t for the fact that they seem to work as well as anything Doc Martin gives us, none of us would touch them-they’re that bad.\u00a0 Nobody but Hop Sing knows what’s in them, but there’s no fighting the fact that they really do help us recover faster than any of Doc’s other patients.\u00a0 When I’d finished drinking, Hoss helped me lie back down.<\/p>\n

“Did somebody tell Vivian I was okay?” I asked.<\/p>\n

Hoss’ eyes were solemn.\u00a0 He nodded.\u00a0 “I made sure she knew.”<\/p>\n

“Thanks, Brother.”\u00a0 My throat was too tight to say more.\u00a0 I knew what it had cost him to pass on that message.\u00a0 More important, I knew why he’d done it.<\/p>\n

I thought about those few minutes in the bank.\u00a0 All I’d had to do was just lie there on the floor, and all my problems would have been solved.\u00a0 Moore would have been dead, and Vivian would have been mine.\u00a0 Billy didn’t even know about the pistol.\u00a0 Nobody would have known, and even if they did, nobody would have faulted me for trying to stay alive.\u00a0 A decent interval after the funeral, and Vivian and I could have been together forever.\u00a0 But instead, without thinking twice, I’d deliberately drawn the robbers’ attention away from Moore, even though it meant I could have been killed.\u00a0 I looked up at Hoss, and I knew without asking that he was thinking the same thing.\u00a0 Then, my big brother chuckled and pulled the covers up around my shoulders.<\/p>\n

“I knew you’d figger it out,” he said.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

A week later, Vivian came calling.\u00a0 It was the first time she’d been to the Ponderosa since the night Adam had invited the Moores to dinner.\u00a0 Fortunately, as it happened, it was also the first day I was allowed to go downstairs.\u00a0 So, when Vivian arrived, I was decently dressed and on the settee, my right arm in a sling and a quilt tucked around me as I dozed over my book.<\/p>\n

“Mrs. Moore!\u00a0 Won’t you come in?”\u00a0 Pa ushered her into the living room.\u00a0 She looked as beautiful as ever, but I could see that she was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

“Thank you, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said, favoring him with one of her incredible smiles.\u00a0 “Hello, Joe,” she said, turning her favor on me.\u00a0 It was odd to hear my name on her lips.\u00a0 Usually, she called me “darling” or “my dear” or “my love.”<\/p>\n

“Hello, Vivian,” I said.\u00a0 It was as strange to use her name as to hear mine, and for the same reason.<\/p>\n

“Would you like a cup of tea?”\u00a0 Pa offered.<\/p>\n

“You’re very kind, but I can’t stay long,” said Vivian. \u00a0“I just wanted to come and thank Joe for what he did.”<\/p>\n

“No thanks necessary,” I said casually.<\/p>\n

Pa moved the coffee table out of the way and pulled a chair up next to the settee so that Vivian could sit beside me.\u00a0 “If you two will excuse me, I have some things to take care of in the barn,” he said.\u00a0 A transparent excuse if there ever was one.\u00a0 Clearly, he thought that Vivian would be emotional about her husband’s rescue, and he wanted to spare her an audience.<\/p>\n

As soon as the door closed behind him, I reached for her hand.\u00a0 “How are you?” I asked.<\/p>\n

“How am I?\u00a0 How are you?” she countered.<\/p>\n

“I’m getting there,” I said.\u00a0 “Another week or so, and I should be up and about.\u00a0 I’ll have the sling another month, though.\u00a0 How’s your–how’s Jeremiah?”<\/p>\n

“He’s doing well,” Vivian said.\u00a0 “It was just a flesh wound.\u00a0 Still, it was the first time he’s ever been shot, so he’s quite impressed with himself.”<\/p>\n

“For getting shot?”\u00a0 I rolled my eyes.\u00a0 “Frankly, I’m more impressed when people avoid getting shot.”<\/p>\n

“He’s a good man,” she said softly.\u00a0 “He’s kind and hardworking and honest.\u00a0 Until I met you, I thought I loved him.”<\/p>\n

“And now?”\u00a0 My heart froze.<\/p>\n

“We’re going to be leaving Virginia City,” she said.\u00a0 Her eyes glistened.<\/p>\n

“When?”\u00a0 I could hardly breathe.<\/p>\n

“Two weeks,” she said.\u00a0 She met my gaze levelly.\u00a0 “If he and I are to have a life together, it can’t happen here.”<\/p>\n

I could almost feel my insides shriveling up.\u00a0 “When did you decide this?”<\/p>\n

“Last night,” she said.\u00a0 “Jeremiah had mentioned the idea before, but it wasn’t definite until then.”<\/p>\n

“But you never told me–”<\/p>\n

“I didn’t know,” she said simply.\u00a0 “I knew he wanted to leave.\u00a0 I knew he suspected something.\u00a0 But I didn’t know what was going to happen with you and me.”<\/p>\n

“What changed?”\u00a0 I was almost afraid to hear her answer.<\/p>\n

“The bank,” she said.\u00a0 “Jeremiah finally told me just what had happened.\u00a0 All he’d said at first was that they shot him.\u00a0 I didn’t know that you’d kept them from killing him.\u00a0 Once he told me that, it all fell into place.”<\/p>\n

“I couldn’t just stand by and let them kill him–not even if it meant that you’d be free.”\u00a0 It was the first time I’d said it out loud.<\/p>\n

Vivian nodded.\u00a0 “If you could have, you wouldn’t have been the man I love,” she said.\u00a0 “But because you’re who you are, my husband is alive.\u00a0 I can’t keep on betraying him.\u00a0 And I can’t stay here and not be with you.\u00a0 So, I’ve agreed to go to back east with him.\u00a0 He wants to go to St. Louis.”\u00a0 She sighed.\u00a0 “Maybe a fresh start will help,” she said wistfully.<\/p>\n

I looked into her beautiful, sad eyes.\u00a0 For a brief, insane moment, I wanted to yell, “No!\u00a0 Pick me!\u00a0 Leave him, and we’ll be together!”\u00a0 But I knew I wouldn’t say it.\u00a0 I’d already made my choice, back there in the bank.\u00a0 Even with the agony of losing my beloved Vivian, the rightness of that decision resonated in my soul.\u00a0 For a time, it had seemed that there was nothing there but dust and confusion, an arid, lifeless space.\u00a0 But not everything had died out.\u00a0 From somewhere, deep in a dark corner, a tiny shoot of green had germinated.\u00a0 Just maybe, if I tended it, it could turn from a single seedling into something bigger, something strong and vital, something that could support the hard choices.\u00a0 It wasn’t much yet, but it had promise.<\/p>\n

I lifted Vivian’s hand to my lips for the last time.\u00a0 I returned her hand to her lap and released it.\u00a0 “Goodbye,” I whispered.\u00a0 She rose and kissed my forehead with infinite gentleness.\u00a0 Then, she was gone.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

It was an ordinary, regular day for the rest of Virginia City.\u00a0 I stood in the shadow by the corner of the dressmaker’s shop.\u00a0 The stage office was across the street, partway down the block.\u00a0 I watched Moore close the door to the mercantile.\u00a0 The new owner would be here next week.\u00a0 Moore turned to Vivian, and she placed her hand on his arm.\u00a0 They walked to the stagecoach.\u00a0 Just before she boarded, I saw her look around.\u00a0 I stood still, watching.<\/p>\n

She saw me.\u00a0 For a long moment, neither of us moved.\u00a0 She brushed her fingers over her lips and subtly blew me a kiss.\u00a0 As she turned away, Moore looked across the street and saw me.\u00a0 I met his eyes.\u00a0 He nodded, ever so slightly.\u00a0 Then, he helped his wife into the stagecoach, and I watched as they drove away in a cloud of dust.<\/p>\n

The street blurred and swam for a minute.\u00a0 I blinked hard, and the scene cleared.\u00a0 I could see people riding past, walking down the sidewalk, calling to one another.\u00a0 Normal life.\u00a0 The street started to blur again.<\/p>\n

A hand rested on my left shoulder, strong and comforting.\u00a0 Without turning, I placed my hand on my brother’s. \u00a0My right arm was still in a sling, so I couldn’t ride a horse yet.\u00a0 Hoss had driven me into town this morning.\u00a0 I didn’t ask him to.\u00a0 I didn’t have to.<\/p>\n

Pa raised him right.<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n

Next Story in the Vivian Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Another Auld Lang Syne<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0Joe grapples with a moral dilemma when he falls in love with another man’s wife. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T \u00a0WC 11,500<\/p>\n

Vivian Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":4581,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1092],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-hoss-joe","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1092-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Calamity-on-the-Comstock-2.jpg?fit=500%2C379&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4594","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/142"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4594"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4594\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4581"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4594"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4594"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4594"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}