{"id":4649,"date":"2008-04-30T23:40:02","date_gmt":"2008-05-01T03:40:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4649"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:12:31","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:12:31","slug":"the-love-of-his-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4649","title":{"rendered":"The French Piano Player – #4 – The Love of his Life (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0<\/span>In the conclusion to “The French Piano Player” series, the Cartwrights face their greatest challenge as they learn what a man’s heart can bear, and what it means to love–and to let go. \u00a0The previous stories in this series are “The French Piano Player,” “Be Still, My Soul,” and “Doubt”.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T \u00a037,400<\/span><\/p>\n

The French Piano Player Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The French Piano Player<\/a>
\nBe Still My Soul
\n<\/a>Doubt<\/a>
\nThe Love of His Life<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The Love of His Life<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
All eyes turned to the back of the church.<\/strong>\u00a0 The delicate features of the lovely young woman were obscured by her veil.\u00a0 Her hand rested lightly on her father’s arm.\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
From the front of the church, Joe Cartwright caught the father’s eye.\u00a0 He nodded to the older man, and the traditional wedding march burst forth as the bride began her journey down the aisle.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Joe watched their progress out of the corner of his eye.\u00a0 As they reached the front of the church, the wedding march ended with its triumphant cadence.\u00a0 Reverend Abbott smiled at the bride and groom.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span>“Dearly beloved,” he began.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
Joe relaxed.\u00a0 He had at least ten minutes before his attention would be required again.\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Each time he played for a wedding, Joe remembered the day he got married.\u00a0 It had been nearly four years since he and Robin had eloped, joined in marriage by a preacher in Carson City, with the preacher’s wife as their only witness.\u00a0 Robin had worn a brown traveling dress, and Joe had been dressed in the ranch work clothes he’d put on that morning, when he hadn’t known that he would end the day as a married man.\u00a0 He had been only nineteen, and his father had refused to consent to their marriage, so Joe and Robin had gone where they were unknown and lied about both Joe’s age and his name.\u00a0 To the day she died, his wife had been Robin DeMarigny.\u00a0 Never Robin Cartwright.\u00a0 At the time, it seemed the right thing to do.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
“I now pronounce you man and wife.\u00a0 You may kiss the bride.”<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
Joe watched as the young groom nervously pecked his new wife on the cheek.\u00a0 The kid looked barely old enough to shave.\u00a0 Joe wanted to take him aside and tell him that there was nothing to be afraid of.\u00a0 Even with all the problems and hardships they’d faced, including poverty and estrangement from his family, Joe still counted his year of marriage to Robin as the best year of his life.\u00a0 He grinned to himself as he began the familiar Mendelssohn chorus that had accompanied so many bridal couples out of the church and into married life.\u00a0 He and Robin had had no music at their wedding, but they hadn’t cared.\u00a0 They had each other, and that was all they needed.\u00a0 Which was a good thing, since that was also all they had–that and a handful of personal possessions that wouldn’t have brought a dollar and a half on a good day.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
Once clear of the church, he headed over to the Bucket of Blood, where his brothers were already ensconced at a table.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
“Hey, Brother Adam, who d’you think that city slicker is?”\u00a0 called Hoss, grinning.\u00a0 He hadn’t seen Joe wear a suit so much in his entire life as these past few months.\u00a0 Lots of people seemed to be getting married these days.<\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
“Looks like a very important person,” said Adam with mock seriousness.\u00a0 “Perhaps he’ll be willing to grace us with his presence, Brother Hoss.”<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
“Oh, shut up, both of you,” said Joe, untying his string tie.\u00a0 “Hey, Bert, can I have a beer?”\u00a0 The bartender slid the mug down the bar, and Joe slid a coin back to him.\u00a0 “So, what have you two been doing while I’ve been upholding the public morals of our fair city?”<\/div>\n
\n

“You?\u00a0 \u2018Upholding the public morals’?” snorted Adam.<\/p>\n

“That’s right.\u00a0 I’m helping make sure people get married good and proper instead of bein’ like you two,” Joe said.\u00a0 “If everybody was like you, the girls here would do a booming business and the preacher wouldn’t have anything to do on Saturday afternoons.”<\/p>\n

“Are you actually taking credit for all these marriages?” asked Adam.\u00a0 Hoss chuckled as he sipped his beer.<\/p>\n

“Not single-handedly,” said Joe.\u00a0 “But I do help out.”<\/p>\n

“Do you provide the grooms with–uh, marital advice, too?” teased Adam.<\/p>\n

“No, but y’know, Adam, that’s a good idea.”\u00a0 Joe leaned back in his chair.\u00a0 “There’s a lot I could tell these kids.\u00a0 Take the one today, for instance.\u00a0 Time to kiss the bride, and what does he do?\u00a0 A little peck on the cheek!\u00a0 Can you believe that? \u00a0This is the woman you love.\u00a0 When you get a chance to kiss her, you kiss her like you mean it!”<\/p>\n

“Is that what you did when you got married?” asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Joe said primly.\u00a0 Then he grinned.\u00a0 “‘Course, it was lucky for us the hotel was just up the street from the church.”\u00a0 He took a long swallow of beer.\u00a0 “So, when are you two gettin’ married?\u00a0 I’d like to play for the wedding of somebody I actually know.”<\/p>\n

“When are we getting married?\u00a0 To whom?”\u00a0 Adam snorted.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged.\u00a0 “To\u00a0whom<\/em>ever you like,” he said.\u00a0 “It’s high time you made some lovely young thing a Mrs.\u00a0Cartwright.”<\/p>\n

“When I find a lovely young thing I want to marry, I’ll marry her,” said Adam.\u00a0 “What about you?\u00a0 You’re such an advocate of marriage.\u00a0 When are you going to get married again?”<\/p>\n

“I’ve already been married,” said Joe with sudden seriousness.<\/p>\n

“Hence the word \u2018again,'” said Adam.\u00a0 Hoss kicked him under the table.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 “It doesn’t happen like that twice,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Maybe you should ask Pa about that,” Adam suggested gently.\u00a0 Joe’s mother had been their father’s third wife.<\/p>\n

“I don’t have to,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I know.\u00a0 She was the love of my life.\u00a0 You only get one of those, and she was it.”\u00a0 He drained his mug and stood.\u00a0 “I’ll see you two back at the ranch.\u00a0 I gotta get out of this suit before I melt.”\u00a0 He collected his music and headed out the swinging doors.<\/p>\n

Hoss punched Adam’s arm.\u00a0 Hard.\u00a0 “What?” demanded Adam.<\/p>\n

“Dang fool thing you jest said,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “Askin’ him about getting’ married again.”<\/p>\n

“What’s so foolish about it?” asked Adam reasonably.\u00a0 “Robin’s been dead for nearly three years.\u00a0 The idea of remarrying isn’t unheard of.”\u00a0\u00a0Especially in our family<\/em>, he reflected.<\/p>\n

“Who’s he supposed to marry?\u00a0 He ain’t even sparked nobody serious since before Robin.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know,” said Adam.\u00a0 “But that right there might be a reason to push him a little bit.\u00a0 Otherwise, he’s liable to end up–”<\/p>\n

“–like us?” finished Hoss.\u00a0 Hoss was nearly twenty-nine, and Adam was thirty-five, and although each had come close on occasion, neither had ever been married.<\/p>\n

Adam chuckled.\u00a0 “If that doesn’t scare the kid into marrying again, nothing will.”<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Ben walked out the front door with two cups of coffee.\u00a0 Without a word, he handed one to his youngest son, who sat at the porch table, looking out into the dark yard.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled.\u00a0 “Thanks, Pa,” he said, accepting the cup.\u00a0 He nodded, and his father sat down.<\/p>\n

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” commented Ben with studied casualness.<\/p>\n

“Sure is,” said Joe.\u00a0 The sky was so clear that it seemed as if every star in the sky was on display. \u00a0He inhaled deeply. \u00a0The clean, warm scent of pine and vanilla was light tonight, barely drifting on the breeze, but always it was present on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 It was one of the aspects of his life here that Joe had missed most when he was living in San Francisco, amid the odors of unwashed sailors and spilled beer and waste, horse and human, running in the gutters.<\/p>\n

Now, the two men sat in silence, sipping their coffee.\u00a0 Joe had been unusually quiet at dinner–not upset or depressed, just thoughtful.\u00a0 Ben was well aware that he still had a tendency to overprotect his youngest son.\u00a0 But while he’d learned to rein himself in pretty well, the father’s heart would not allow Ben to leave his son to hard thoughts without reminding him that a listening ear was available.<\/p>\n

“Pa, what did you like best about being married?” asked Joe suddenly.\u00a0 Before his father could speak, he hastened to add, “If it’s–that, don’t tell me, okay?”\u00a0 There were just some things a man didn’t need to know about his parents.<\/p>\n

“I wasn’t going to say–that,” chuckled Ben.\u00a0 Not that “that” hadn’t been wonderful, and not that it wasn’t sometimes sorely missed.\u00a0 Each of his wives had been very different, and their differences had definitely extended to the bedroom-or, in Marie’s case, the bedroom and pretty much any place else they could find themselves alone in a household with three boys, a Chinese cook, and ranch hands swarming all over the place.\u00a0 The spot where he had buried her was one of their favorite places on summer evenings.\u00a0 He smiled in the darkness, remembering.<\/p>\n

“So, what was your favorite part?”\u00a0 Joe asked again, startling his father out of his reverie.\u00a0 He was glad that it was too dark to see if Pa was blushing.\u00a0 Sometimes, ignorance was indeed bliss.<\/p>\n

“You know, I’ve never really thought about it,” mused Ben.\u00a0 “Each of my marriages was so different.\u00a0 When I was first married to Adam’s mother, it was as if we were two children taking a giant step into a dark forest.\u00a0 It was exciting and terrifying, all at once.\u00a0 Everything was brand new for both of us.\u00a0 I remember being glad that I had her to hold onto.\u00a0 Otherwise, I think I would have been scared out of my wits.”<\/p>\n

“You?\u00a0 Scared?”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Weren’t you scared?”<\/p>\n

“Not about the marriage,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I never had a moment’s pause about that.\u00a0 Everything else was scary-we didn’t have any money, we didn’t know how we’d earn a living, we were afraid that you’d–”\u00a0 He broke off, not wanting to spoil the easy conversation.<\/p>\n

“–that I’d find you and have your marriage annulled,” said Ben quietly.\u00a0 They’d discussed this before.\u00a0 It had been the reason that Joe and Robin had eloped and hidden.\u00a0 As much as Ben resisted the thought that he could have been such an ogre, Joe’s fear had been reasonable:\u00a0 almost the last thing he’d said before the boy left was that he would never consent to Joe’s marrying Robin.\u00a0 And now, years later, Ben reluctantly acknowledged that he might well have tried to annul the marriage, especially in the first weeks after his son’s disappearance.\u00a0 He knew that Joe had long since forgiven him, but Ben still found odd moments when he realized that he might not have forgiven himself.<\/p>\n

“But the marriage itself wasn’t scary,” said Joe, subtly changing the focus.\u00a0 He knew that his father would always continue to hold himself responsible for everything that had happened, no matter how many times Joe pointed out that he, too, bore responsibility.\u00a0 After a point, there was no more room for discussion.\u00a0 It was, as Pa had said, part of being a father:\u00a0 a man always thinks he could have done better by his children.<\/p>\n

“Marrying Robin was the best thing I ever did,” Joe continued.\u00a0 “I remember when we got married, the preacher saying that the two had become one.\u00a0 It just sounded like words at the time, but later, that was really how it felt.\u00a0 We were an \u2018us’.\u00a0 Maybe because we had to depend on each other so much, because we didn’t have anybody else.\u00a0 Especially once I started playing for her-I think maybe that was the very best part.\u00a0 I always loved listening to her sing, but once I started learning how to make the piano work with her music–it was like nothing I’ve ever known.\u00a0 That’s why it was so hard to play after she died–half of me was gone.\u00a0 It was like somebody’d cut off one of my hands.”<\/p>\n

Ben sipped his coffee.\u00a0 It had gone cold, but that was all right.\u00a0 He thought about what Joe had described, that sense of oneness.\u00a0 As deeply as he’d loved his wives, he couldn’t honestly say he’d had quite that experience with any of them.\u00a0 Part of him wanted to say that he hadn’t had that with Elizabeth or Inger because of the short time he’d had with each of them, but Joe’s marriage to Robin had been no longer–one year, to the day–and he hadn’t had it with Marie, either, even though they’d come closer than the others.\u00a0 Each of his wives had been, in her own way, very independent-but then, from what Joe said, so had Robin, so that couldn’t be the reason.<\/p>\n

Perhaps it was his own nature that stood that slight bit apart.\u00a0 Ben Cartwright had always been content with his own company.\u00a0 But not Joseph–even as a baby, the boy had never liked to be left alone.\u00a0 Once he was old enough to get out of his bed at night, morning’s light could frequently find him in with one of his brothers.\u00a0 After Marie died, Joe had nightmares that woke the household, night after night; ultimately, they found that putting him to bed with Hoss or Adam would often keep the nightmares at bay, allowing everyone a full night’s sleep.\u00a0 Only in these past few years, as Joe had struggled to put his life back together, had the youngest Cartwright developed an appreciation for time spent alone.\u00a0 Even so, Ben suspected that, when Joe was playing the piano, a part of him saw his music as a way to be with Robin.<\/p>\n

“Pa, can I ask you something else?”<\/p>\n

“Of course.”<\/p>\n

“No, don’t say \u2018of course’ until you hear the question,” cautioned Joe.\u00a0 At Ben’s nod, Joe asked, “Who was the love of your life, Pa?”<\/p>\n

Oh, the hard questions tonight.<\/em>\u00a0 Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “I can’t answer that,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Can’t, or won’t?”<\/p>\n

“Both,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Each of my wives was an incredible, unique person whom I loved dearly.\u00a0 Our marriages were so different that I can’t even compare them.\u00a0 But even if I could make that determination, I wouldn’t.”\u00a0 He smiled at his son.\u00a0 “I would never tell one of my sons that I did or did not love his mother the most.”\u00a0 He finished the cold coffee.\u00a0 “Is that what you thought I’d say?”<\/p>\n

“Pretty much,” Joe admitted.\u00a0 He drained his own cup and stood.\u00a0 “I think I’m going to turn in.\u00a0 Reverend Abbott asked me to play tomorrow morning.”<\/p>\n

“Is Mrs.\u00a0Droppers away again?”<\/p>\n

“She’s visiting her sister in Genoa.”\u00a0 Mrs.\u00a0Droppers was the regular accompanist at their church.\u00a0 Once Joe had begun to fill in for her, Mrs.\u00a0Droppers had started to take more time off to visit out-of-town relatives.\u00a0 Ben privately suspected that it was only a matter of time before she resigned completely and his son was asked to fill the position.\u00a0 He still couldn’t get over how proud he felt, listening to Joseph playing on Sunday mornings.\u00a0 No one, including Joe himself, had ever thought that the boy had any musical talent when he was growing up.\u00a0 It wasn’t until Robin’s accompanist had decided to leave San Francisco and had approached Joe about filling in that they had discovered Joe’s abilities as a piano player.<\/p>\n

A thought occurred to Ben.\u00a0 “Did you see Doc today?”<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 “Didn’t have time before the wedding.\u00a0 It’s okay, I’ll see him next week.”<\/p>\n

“Joseph.”\u00a0 The warning in his father’s voice would never change.<\/p>\n

“Pa, I’m fine,” said Joe, but it wasn’t strictly true, though, and they both knew it.\u00a0 In the year after Robin’s death, when he was alone and grieving in San Francisco, Joe had drunk so heavily that he’d nearly killed himself.\u00a0 The healing process had been slow and painful, and his drinking had left him with a damaged heart.\u00a0 The doctor had reluctantly cleared him for ranch work back in the spring, a few months earlier, but on the condition that Joe avoid whiskey and check in with him every few weeks so that he could monitor his patient.\u00a0 When Joe had returned from San Francisco in early summer with the confession that he’d gotten rip-snorting drunk one night during that trip, Doc had tried to increase the checkups to every week, but the demands of the ranch simply didn’t allow for that type of schedule.\u00a0 Given the number of times in the past month that he’d found himself dizzy or short of breath, though, Joe had a suspicion that the doctor was going to come down hard on his workload at his next visit.\u00a0 If he could just put Doc off long enough finish breaking the new string of horses-well, he’d slow down after that.<\/p>\n

“I’m glad you’re feeling fine, but you need to see Doc anyway,” said Ben in a tone that would brook no interference.\u00a0 “You’ll see him on Monday.”\u00a0 It wasn’t quite an order, but it was close.<\/p>\n

Joe stifled a sigh. \u00a0It wasn’t worth trying to argue. \u00a0He couldn’t blame his father for being concerned, but it did get old after a while. \u00a0It was going to take some effort to “forget” this instruction convincingly.<\/p>\n

He picked up the coffee cups.\u00a0 “Are you coming in?” he asked.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “I think I’ll stay out here for a little while,” he said.\u00a0 “Good night, son.”<\/p>\n

“Good night, Pa.”<\/p>\n

The door closed behind Joe, the breeze in the treetops the only sound.\u00a0\u00a0Who was the love of your life, Pa?<\/em>\u00a0 Why must there be just one, he wondered.\u00a0 It wasn’t as if he’d never pondered the question, but he’d always stopped himself when it seemed as if he might be able to choose.\u00a0 Nowhere, not even in the silent depths of his own heart, would he allow such a notion to take root.\u00a0 Funny how none of his sons had ever asked before.\u00a0 Almost as if there were some secret pact about it–or maybe just a desire not to hear the answer.<\/p>\n

As he rose, joints creaking a bit, Ben found himself grateful that Joe hadn’t asked the harder question:\u00a0 once you’ve had–and lost–the love of your life, what do you do after that?<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The sanctuary was empty when Joe let himself in on Monday afternoon.\u00a0 He couldn’t keep from grinning.\u00a0 Pa had insisted that Joe accompany him into town to see the doctor, only to find that the doctor was in Carson City and not due back until Thursday.\u00a0 A short reprieve, but hopefully, enough to get Pa’s attention onto other things.\u00a0 So now, he had an hour to kill while Pa met with the lawyer.\u00a0 He’d thought of heading over to the Bucket of Blood, but somehow, he’d ended up here instead.<\/p>\n

It never ceased to amaze him that he, who had possibly been the least auspicious member of the Sunday school as a child, now had a key to the church and could come and go as he saw fit.\u00a0 He grinned at the thought of what his younger self might have done with such freedom.\u00a0 Undoubtedly, a few pranks guaranteed to get his seat warmed when he got home.<\/p>\n

He dropped his saddlebag on the front pew and drew out the music for next week’s wedding.\u00a0 Most everyone wanted the same pieces, and he could practically play them in his sleep by now.\u00a0 This couple was different, though.\u00a0 They had chosen their own music, and it was unfamiliar to him.\u00a0 As he struggled through his sightreading of the first piece, he found that it reminded him of a tune that Robin had sung once.<\/p>\n

She never performed it at the saloon.\u00a0 It wasn’t that type of song.\u00a0 He recalled that night, as Phil was cleaning up and the girls were chattering, when Robin had started humming it.\u00a0 It was a simple melody, with smooth, graceful lines and long-held notes.\u00a0 It reminded Joe of a hawk silhouetted against a bright morning sky.\u00a0 After listening for a few moments, he started to add some harmonies underneath the melody, rippling runs and arpeggios, the stream burbling over rocks as the hawk soared above.\u00a0 Robin sat down next to him on the bench, first humming and then singing the wordless melody as he enhanced the accompaniment.\u00a0 He recalled a sensation, almost like flying, as piano and voice blended, soaring and dipping, first one on top and then the other, almost frightening in its effortlessness.\u00a0 So much in harmony were they that it was as if one person were creating both parts.\u00a0 When they finally faded out to a gentle resolution, he could hardly breathe.\u00a0 His hands rested on the keys; she laid her hand on his.\u00a0 They sat side by side for a minute, not speaking.\u00a0 The room was silent.\u00a0 Then, unwilling to disturb their fragile creation, they rose and left the saloon, his arm around her waist.\u00a0 They walked back to their room, locked the door behind them, and made exquisite love, all without saying a word.\u00a0 Afterward, as they lay together, Robin hummed the melody again, and he held her close, tears in his eyes.<\/p>\n

Joe had never heard the melody anyplace else.\u00a0 When he asked, Robin said that she had no idea whether she had heard it someplace or just made it up.\u00a0 Neither of them ever wrote it down.\u00a0 It was too delicate, too beautiful to be reduced to clumsy pencil on rough paper.\u00a0 They tried variations on it at different times, but the subtle perfection of that first time was never duplicated.<\/p>\n

The closing of a door brought Joe back to the present, and he stopped playing, barely realizing that he’d been accompanying Robin in his imagination.\u00a0 “Who’s there?” he called.<\/p>\n

A young woman walked hesitantly into the sanctuary.\u00a0 She had made an attempt to subdue her soft brown curls in a knot, but tendrils escaped, framing her face beneath a moss-green hat that matched her dress.\u00a0 She had large brown eyes, as dark as his father’s, but far less confident.\u00a0 She looked around nervously.<\/p>\n

“Is there something I can do for you?” asked Joe, not moving from the piano.<\/p>\n

“I’m looking for the reverend,” she said.<\/p>\n

“He’s not here,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Have you tried the parsonage?\u00a0 It’s right next door.”<\/p>\n

The young woman shook her head.\u00a0 “The door was unlocked, so I came in here first.\u00a0 I’ll try the parsonage.\u00a0 I’m sorry to have disturbed you.”\u00a0 She turned quickly and was gone before Joe could respond.\u00a0 After a moment, he shrugged and returned to his practicing.\u00a0 This time, he played what was written on the page, not allowing himself the luxury of remembering days gone forever.<\/p>\n

Nearly an hour had passed when Joe stood to stretch.\u00a0 Pa should be done with his meeting by now.\u00a0 He caught a slight movement out of the corner of his eye and turned, expecting to find his father sitting there, listening.\u00a0 It wouldn’t have been the first time.<\/p>\n

Instead, Joe saw the young woman in the green dress.\u00a0 “Didn’t you find the reverend?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“Oh, I found him, thank you,” she said.\u00a0 “I just came back to listen.\u00a0 I hope you don’t mind.”<\/p>\n

“Not at all.”\u00a0 Joe gathered his music and deposited it in his saddlebag.\u00a0 He put on his jacket and drew the key from his pocket.\u00a0 The young woman led the way out of the church, and Joe locked the door behind them.\u00a0 He put on his hat and touched the brim.\u00a0 “Good day, ma’am,” he said, walking off without noticing that she stood on the church steps, watching him.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The next afternoon, Adam and Joe strolled into the Bucket of Blood.\u00a0 It was too hot to sit around by the buckboard while Wally got their order ready for loading.<\/p>\n

“Two beers, he’s paying,” said Adam.\u00a0 Joe rolled his eyes and reached into his wallet, dropping a bill on the bar.\u00a0 He took a long drink and relaxed against the wood that had been polished by too many elbows.<\/p>\n

“Here’s your change, Cartwright,” grunted Bert.<\/p>\n

A bleary-eyed young man at a nearby table looked up.\u00a0 “Cartwright?” he repeated.<\/p>\n

Joe looked coolly at him.\u00a0 “Yeah, that’s right,” he said.<\/p>\n

The young man got to his feet unsteadily and made his way across the room.\u00a0 “You the piano player?”<\/p>\n

“Who wants to know?”<\/p>\n

In response, the young man swung at Joe, connecting with his jaw and spilling beer all over both of them.\u00a0 Joe tossed the mug on the bar, grabbed the younger man by his shirtfront and delivered a solid left hook that snapped his head back before it lolled forward.\u00a0 Joe punched him again, knocking him out.\u00a0 He dropped his attacker into a chair and turned back to the bartender.\u00a0 “Hey, Bert, I need another beer,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Nice work,” said Adam.\u00a0 “Not too exciting, but efficient.\u00a0 Who is he?”<\/p>\n

“No idea,” said Joe, rubbing his knuckles.\u00a0 “Maybe he doesn’t like the piano.”\u00a0 He poured some of the beer over the unconscious man’s head until he came to, sputtering.\u00a0 “You want to tell me what the problem is?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n

The younger man shook his head violently, spraying beer drops on the Cartwrights.\u00a0 He glared at Joe.\u00a0 “She won’t marry me, and it’s all your fault!”<\/p>\n

Adam raised an eyebrow, but Joe shrugged.\u00a0 Still, it was worth asking, if only to liven up an otherwise dull Tuesday.\u00a0 “Why won’t she marry you, friend?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n

“‘Cause she’s in love with him!”\u00a0 The younger man wiped foam off his face and splattered some of it at Joe.<\/p>\n

“Who is?” demanded Joe.<\/p>\n

“My girl, that’s who!”<\/p>\n

“I figured that much out.\u00a0 What’s her name?”\u00a0 asked Joe.<\/p>\n

“You need a name?\u00a0 Just how many women are in love with you right now, Little Brother?”\u00a0 asked Adam.<\/p>\n

“I guess at least one more than I thought,” said Joe. \u00a0To the beer-soaked man, he said, “What did you say her name was?”<\/p>\n

“Susanna McConnell,” said the younger man.\u00a0 “Was gonna be Susanna Wilson this weekend, but now she won’t marry me, an’ it’s all your fault!”<\/p>\n

“How is it my fault?\u00a0 I’ve never even met the lady!”<\/p>\n

“It would appear that your reputation precedes you,” observed Adam.<\/p>\n

“Shut up,” snapped Joe.\u00a0 To Susanna’s fianc\u00e9, he said, “How does she know who I am?”<\/p>\n

“Everybody knows who you are,” said the fianc\u00e9.\u00a0 “Smooth-talkin’ piano player.\u00a0 Got more girls than you can shake a stick at, but are you satisfied?\u00a0 No!\u00a0 You gotta take mine!”<\/p>\n

“Where are you keeping all these girls?” asked Adam.<\/p>\n

“All what girls?” asked Joe.<\/p>\n

“All the girls that you can’t shake a stick at,” Adam said.<\/p>\n

“There aren’t any girls!”\u00a0 Joe was exasperated.\u00a0 To the younger man, he said, “Look, I’m sorry your girl doesn’t want to marry you, but it has nothing to do with me.\u00a0 I don’t even know her.\u00a0 So, why don’t you go patch things up with her instead of picking fights, and maybe she’ll marry you.”\u00a0 He drained what was left in his mug.\u00a0 “Let’s go,” he said to Adam, heading out without a backward glance to see if his brother was following.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Saturday found the Cartwrights decorating for Hoss’ birthday party.\u00a0 The wedding having indeed been called off, Joe spent the afternoon on a ladder, stringing lanterns around the yard while Adam and Hoss hauled furniture out of the living room to make space for dancing and Ben polished the silver.\u00a0 Hop Sing had been cooking for days, and the smell of everything from roast pork to birthday cake had filled the air.<\/p>\n

The musicians arrived shortly before the first guest.\u00a0 This had been a somewhat delicate point:\u00a0 Joe didn’t like anyone else to touch his piano, and he didn’t see why he couldn’t play for his brother’s party.\u00a0 “‘Cause it’s my party,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “I don’t want you to work.\u00a0 I want you to dance and have a good time.”<\/p>\n

“Fine,” said Joe at last.\u00a0 Time was when he’d have been looking forward to dancing, but these days, he suspected that he’d have a better time at the piano.\u00a0 Still, for some reason, it seemed awfully important to Hoss that he mingle instead.\u00a0 All right, then.\u00a0 For Hoss, he’d mingle.\u00a0\u00a0Happy birthday, Big Brother.<\/em><\/p>\n

The ladder was barely put away when friends and neighbors began to arrive, all chattering effusively.\u00a0 Ben watched as lovely young women eyed his sons.\u00a0 So different from back in his day, growing up in the east, where a girl would never have approached a man, even if they had been properly introduced.\u00a0 Out here, things were a bit more casual, and some of the formalities had been discarded in favor of practicality.\u00a0 It had taken some getting used to, but Ben had to admit that he rather preferred the western approach.<\/p>\n

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw old Abe McConnell approach with a young woman on his arm.\u00a0 Ben hastened to greet his guests, calling out, “Abe!\u00a0 Good to see you!”<\/p>\n

The men shook hands, and Abe presented the young woman.\u00a0 “Ben, this is my niece, Susanna.\u00a0 Susanna, this is Mr.\u00a0Cartwright.”<\/p>\n

Susanna looked up at Ben shyly.\u00a0 Her large brown eyes were as deep and rich as his own.\u00a0 “Pleased to meet you, sir,” she said shyly.<\/p>\n

“The pleasure is mine,” said Ben, taking her hand for a moment.\u00a0 He made small talk as he escorted them to the table where Hop Sing had laid out the food.<\/p>\n

“Pa, Hop Sing wants to know what you did with the extra punch cups,” called out Joe as he approached.\u00a0 When Ben looked up with a disapproving frown, Joe noticed for the first time that his father had been talking to guests.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Joseph, you remember Mr.\u00a0McConnell,” said Ben.\u00a0 “And this is his niece, Susanna.\u00a0 Susanna, this is my youngest son, Joe.”<\/p>\n

“Nice to see you again, Mr.\u00a0McConnell,” said Joe.\u00a0 He nodded to Susanna and said, “Nice to meet you, ma’am.”\u00a0 The look in her eyes was disconcerting for a moment.\u00a0 Then, he felt his own eyes widen.\u00a0 This was Susanna McConnell, the girl who had supposedly called off her wedding because she was in love with him.\u00a0 She looked familiar from somewhere.<\/p>\n

“Actually, we’ve met,” said Susanna.\u00a0 To Ben, she explained, “I had the pleasure of hearing your son play when I was in town the other day.”<\/p>\n

Joe thought for a moment.\u00a0 Then, he recognized her as the woman who had come into the church.\u00a0 “Of course, I’m so sorry,” he said, flashing his most charming smile.\u00a0 “I was just practicing for–a church service,” he finished, somewhat lamely.\u00a0 It wouldn’t do to tell everyone that he’d been practicing for the wedding that she’d canceled.\u00a0 “Miss McConnell, may I offer you some punch?”\u00a0 Anything to escape the awkward moment.<\/p>\n

“I’d be delighted,” she said, laying her hand on the arm he offered.\u00a0 The older men saw the glow in her eyes, and Ben cast a glance at his son that Joe missed.<\/p>\n

Later, as couples swirled throughout the living room, Joe and Ben stood to one side, surveying the crowd.\u00a0 “Looks like Hoss found himself a girl,” Joe observed.\u00a0 Hoss had been dancing with the same young woman for most of the evening.\u00a0 Adam, on the other hand, had changed partners regularly, to his father’s amusement.<\/p>\n

“What about you?” asked Ben.\u00a0 “Why aren’t you dancing?”<\/p>\n

“No particular reason,” said Joe.\u00a0 He ladled up a cup of punch and handed it to his father before pouring one for himself.<\/p>\n

“You feeling all right?”\u00a0 Ben cast a quick appraising look at his youngest son.<\/p>\n

“I’m fine,” Joe assured him.\u00a0 “Really,” he added at his father’s skeptical silence.\u00a0 “Stop worrying.”<\/p>\n

“A father never stops worrying,” said Ben, smiling as if he were joking.\u00a0 “But, as long as you’re so fine, I notice that Susanna McConnell’s not dancing, either,” he added too casually.\u00a0 “It might be nice if you’d ask her to dance.”<\/p>\n

Joe drank his punch to forestall his answer.\u00a0 There was no arguing that Susanna was a very pretty girl.\u00a0 He was just a bit uncomfortable with the circumstances.\u00a0 He wanted to tell his father what the young man in the bar had said, but it seemed ungentlemanly.\u00a0 As he turned to refill his cup, Ben laid a hand on his arm.<\/p>\n

“Go ask her,” he urged quietly.<\/p>\n

Joe resisted the impulse to roll his eyes.\u00a0 Everyone seemed to be bound and determined that he would dance tonight.\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 He’d dance.\u00a0 He cast a longing glance toward his piano before he headed across the room.<\/p>\n

“Miss McConnell, may I have this dance?”\u00a0 He held out his hand and tried not to notice the way her face lit up.<\/p>\n

“I’d be delighted,” she said.\u00a0 Joe escorted her onto the dance floor, and they moved into a waltz.\u00a0 She was an excellent dancer, one of the best he’d known, and Joe Cartwright had always been noted for his elegance on the dance floor.\u00a0 The couple moved around the floor so gracefully that others stopped dancing to watch.\u00a0 Oblivious to the eyes on them, Joe found himself becoming strangely short of breath as he looked into her eyes–not in the bad way that meant he had overstressed his heart again and was liable to become dizzy and pass out, but in a way he’d almost forgotten.\u00a0 The way he used to feel when he thought he was falling in love.<\/p>\n

The song came to end, and the applause around them drew his attention.\u00a0 When he saw the circle of people who had been watching them dance, it took all of his gallantry to smile and take her hand to escort her back to her seat.\u00a0 He ignored the disappointment in her eyes as he thanked her for the dance and turned away.\u00a0 The guests began to mill about as the music began again, and for a moment, he lost sight of his father in the throng.\u00a0 Just as well.\u00a0 He slipped through the crowd to the musicians.\u00a0 At the end of the song, he said to the piano player, “Why don’t you take a break?\u00a0 I’ll spell you for a while.”\u00a0 The hired piano player stood, flexing his tired fingers, and Joe slid gratefully onto the bench.\u00a0 He’d danced, just as Hoss had wanted.\u00a0 Now, he’d celebrate his brother’s birthday the way he wanted to.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Joe and Robin ambled along the shore, hand in hand.\u00a0 The lake sparkled in the morning light, the whitecaps as diamonds against the sapphire waters.\u00a0 The towering pines reached toward heaven itself.\u00a0 The sun was bright and warm, but gentle on their shoulders.\u00a0 Birds chirped as the soft breeze ruffled Robin’s hair.\u00a0 They stopped walking, and Joe drew his wife to him in a long, passionate kiss that reached to the very depths of his being.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“I love you,” he breathed.\u00a0 “I’ll never love anyone but you.\u00a0 You’re the love of my life.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Oh, you think not?”\u00a0 They turned to see Susanna McConnell standing just a few feet away.\u00a0 She laughed.\u00a0 To Robin, she said, “Once you’re dead and gone, he’ll be right on to the next one.\u00a0 He won’t even remember your name after a while.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“No!\u00a0 It’s not true!\u00a0 I could never love anyone else!”\u00a0 Joe held Robin as tightly as he could.<\/em><\/p>\n

Susanna laughed again.\u00a0 “What about Judith?” she demanded.\u00a0 “You took up with her right away, didn’t you?” \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“I didn’t love her!”\u00a0 Joe protested.\u00a0 “I didn’t!”\u00a0 It was true.\u00a0 He’d turned to Robin’s best friend for comfort after the shooting, but that was all. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“But I loved you,” said Judith, who was suddenly standing beside Susanna.<\/em><\/p>\n

“And now, I love you, and you love me!” said Susanna triumphantly. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“But I don’t love either of you! \u00a0I only love Robin!”\u00a0 He tried to hold onto his wife, but she was disappearing like morning mist on the lake.\u00a0 “Wait!\u00a0 Come back!”\u00a0 Susanna laughed and laughed as Judith looked at him sadly.\u00a0 Tears streamed down his face as Joe called after Robin, “Don’t leave me!\u00a0 Come back!”<\/em><\/p>\n

He woke, trembling, his cheeks wet with tears.\u00a0 Robin was gone.\u00a0 Only the agony of losing her remained.<\/p>\n

“I love you,” he whispered aloud, as he had so many times when she slept next to him.\u00a0 “I’ll always love you.\u00a0 No one else.”\u00a0 He closed his eyes, feeling the emptiness beside him in the bed, as he wept again for the loss of her.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Joe set the music on the rack of the piano and looked up.\u00a0 Naturally, Adam was nowhere in sight.\u00a0 Resisting the urge to mutter a word inappropriate in church, Joe saw the preacher nodding at him to begin.\u00a0 He held up a finger–wait a minute-<\/em>-and leaned over to where Mitch and Kathleen Devlin sat in the front pew, next to a young blond woman and a small tow-headed boy.<\/p>\n

“Mitch!” he whispered.\u00a0 “Go find Adam.\u00a0 I need him to turn pages.”\u00a0 Mitch looked around the sanctuary as if Joe might have missed his brother before heading up the aisle.\u00a0 The preacher caught Joe’s eye and nodded firmly.\u00a0 Hoping against hope that Mitch would find Adam, Joe began to play.<\/p>\n

As he was turning over in his mind the question of how to handle the page turn if Adam didn’t appear, he felt a presence behind him.\u00a0 “Where you been?” Joe hissed.\u00a0 Two measures later, he whispered, “Now!”<\/p>\n

The hand that turned the page was not his brother’s, large and strong and work-calloused.\u00a0 Rather, it was soft and white and distinctly feminine, framed by a white lace cuff.\u00a0 He didn’t have time to think any more, though, because he was coming up on the second part of the prelude, and he needed to concentrate on the music.\u00a0 Focusing intently, he barely noticed that, after the first page, she did not need to be told when to turn the page, apparently sensing from the tempo and complexity of a given passage how many measures in advance to turn.<\/p>\n

After the last page turn, he felt her retreat.\u00a0 He drew the piece to a close, holding the last notes out.\u00a0 Then, he turned to see Adam sitting with Pa and Hoss in their regular pew, eyebrows raised.\u00a0 Joe shrugged slightly in response.\u00a0 He opened the hymnal and began the introduction for the first hymn.<\/p>\n

The postlude was a piece with which Joe was more familiar.\u00a0 As he reached to turn the page, however, the lace cuff revealed that his page turner had returned.\u00a0 He smiled to himself as he played.\u00a0 Again, after the last page turn, she retreated.\u00a0 This time, though, he turned in time to see her.<\/p>\n

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Joe called.\u00a0 The young woman stopped and turned back.\u00a0 She was the young blonde who had been sitting next to Kathleen Devlin.\u00a0 “I want to thank you for your help today,” he said.\u00a0 “My brother was supposed to turn pages, but he disappeared somewhere.”<\/p>\n

“You’re quite welcome,” she said.\u00a0 Her voice was lower-pitched and softer than he would have expected.\u00a0 The little boy grabbed her hand and clung to it.<\/p>\n

Joe rose from the bench, smiling.\u00a0 Her hair was pinned back, and fine, straight bits were escaping the knot.\u00a0 Her smooth skin was pale, with the faintest of blushes on her cheeks.\u00a0 Her eyes were startling; he looked more closely and saw that they were indeed violet.\u00a0 He didn’t realize that he was staring at them until she looked away.<\/p>\n

“I’m so sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean-please forgive me,” he said.\u00a0 It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her how remarkable her eyes were, but he felt the little boy glaring at him.\u00a0 Certainly, it would be an extraordinarily improper thing to say to a married woman–and in church, yet.\u00a0 So, he simply smiled and extended his hand.\u00a0 “I’m Joe Cartwright, ma’am,” he said.<\/p>\n

“I’m Maggie Donaldson,” said the woman.\u00a0 “And this is my son, Jacob.”<\/p>\n

“Hello, Jacob,” said Joe, extending his hand to the boy.<\/p>\n

Jacob looked him up and down.\u00a0 His mother nudged him, and he took Joe’s hand.\u00a0 “Pleased to meet you, sir,” he said in a voice that sounded anything but pleased.<\/p>\n

“Pleased to meet you, too,” said Joe.\u00a0 He turned to Maggie.\u00a0 “Pleased to meet you, Mrs.\u00a0Donaldson,” he said.<\/p>\n

“I’m–I’m pleased to meet you, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said.\u00a0 “But–well–it’s not–”<\/p>\n

“Hey, Joe!\u00a0 You ready?”\u00a0 Hoss was poking his head back into the sanctuary.<\/p>\n

Joe waved to him.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, it looks as if my family’s ready to go,” he said.\u00a0 “Thanks again for your help today, ma’am.\u00a0 I surely appreciated it.\u00a0 Nice meeting you, Jacob,” he added.\u00a0 He turned back to gather his music; when he turned around again, the Donaldsons, mother and son, were gone.<\/p>\n

Outside, he caught up with Hoss.\u00a0 “You all got out of there fast enough,” he commented, falling in step with his big brother.<\/p>\n

“We got dinner guests coming,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “Pa wants to get going.”<\/p>\n

“Dinner guests?\u00a0 Who?”<\/p>\n

“The McConnells,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “Ol’ Abe and his niece.”<\/p>\n

“The McConnells?\u00a0 Who invited them?”\u00a0 If this was his father’s idea of matchmaking.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged.\u00a0 “I figgered Pa did,” he said.<\/p>\n

“But we just saw them at your party a couple weeks ago!”\u00a0 Joe was decidedly uncomfortable with the notion of the McConnells coming around.\u00a0 Pa wasn’t the matchmaking type, but if he were, Joe figured that Susanna McConnell was just the type Pa would want to see him set up with.\u00a0 She seemed like a nice, respectable young woman, even setting aside her apparent impulsive streak.\u00a0 It occurred to Joe that his father might be far less interested in grooming her for the position of Mrs.\u00a0Joseph Cartwright if he knew about her recent almost-wedding.<\/p>\n

“Mebbe Pa’s got some business to talk about with Abe,” said Hoss, clearly not caring very much.<\/p>\n

“What kind of business, do you think?”<\/p>\n

Hoss shrugged.\u00a0 The topic had clearly lost its appeal.\u00a0 “Ranch business, I reckon.”<\/p>\n

Carefully, Joe avoided looking at his brother.\u00a0 “Just as long as they ain’t thinkin’ about a merger,” he said, almost too casually.<\/p>\n

“What’re you talkin’ about?”<\/p>\n

“You know-like when two people get married, and all their family’s holdings get combined?\u00a0 A merger.”<\/p>\n

“Joe, what in tarnation are you talkin’ about?”<\/p>\n

“Let’s face it, Hoss–old Abe ain’t getting any younger, and he’s gotta think about his old age and how he’s gonna take care of himself.\u00a0 Now, he’s past the age where he’s gonna do much with more with his place, so what does he do?\u00a0 Brings in this pretty little gal nobody’s ever heard of and gets her married off to somebody who’ll do right by her-and him.”<\/p>\n

Hoss stopped in his tracks.\u00a0 “Did you hit your head or somethin’?\u00a0 It’s just dinner!”<\/p>\n

Joe lowered his voice.\u00a0 “Did Adam tell you about this girl?”<\/p>\n

“Tell me what?”\u00a0 Unconsciously, Hoss matched Joe’s tone.<\/p>\n

Joe looked around as if concerned about being overheard.\u00a0 “C’mere,” he said, tugging Hoss into an alley.\u00a0 “You remember that wedding I was supposed to play for the day of your party?\u00a0 Well, it was her wedding!”<\/p>\n

“But you said the wedding was cancelled!”<\/p>\n

“It was,” affirmed Joe.\u00a0 “But the thing is, Hoss–there was a reason it was cancelled.”\u00a0 He paused dramatically.<\/p>\n

“Well?\u00a0 Go on!”<\/p>\n

Joe looked around again, as if he were about to confide the deepest, darkest secrets of the universe.\u00a0 “There was another fellow,” he said.<\/p>\n

Obligingly, Hoss’ eyes grew round.\u00a0 The next moment, he frowned.\u00a0 “If there’s another fellow, then ol’ Abe can’t be lookin’ to marry her off to one of us.”<\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes.\u00a0 “Hoss–I’m<\/em>\u00a0the other fellow!”<\/p>\n

“You?\u00a0 You broke up that little gal’s weddin’?”\u00a0 Hoss was appalled.<\/p>\n

“No, not like–she called off her wedding because she thinks she’s in love with me, but I don’t even know her!\u00a0 She’s cuckoo, Hoss!”<\/p>\n

Hoss scowled.\u00a0 “How can she think she’s in love with you if she don’t even know you?”<\/p>\n

Joe smacked his brother’s shoulder.\u00a0 “That’s exactly what I thought!\u00a0 All she did was hear me play the piano, and now she thinks she’s in love!”\u00a0 There.\u00a0 That should do it.\u00a0 Now Hoss would tell Pa, and Pa would back off this matchmaking notion and leave Joe in peace.<\/p>\n

“The piano?\u00a0 If that ain’t the dumbest dang thing I ever heard of!”\u00a0 Hoss doubled over in laughter.<\/p>\n

“Well–wait a minute–I mean–it ain’t\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0funny,” said Joe.\u00a0 He was unexpectedly put out at how ludicrous Hoss found this notion.<\/p>\n

“Sure it is!\u00a0 Heck, you ain’t even all that good!”\u00a0 Hoss slapped his knee as if he’d just heard the best joke ever.<\/p>\n

“I–you–I–I am so that good!\u00a0 I’m the best danged piano player in this town, and don’t you forget it!\u00a0 It makes perfect sense that a pretty little gal might fall in love with me just for hearing me play–and then she sees me, and she gets to know me, and–well, it makes perfect sense!\u00a0 Of course, she’s in love with me!”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” laughed Hoss, tipping his hat.\u00a0 “It’s jest too bad you don’t like her.”<\/p>\n

“Who says I don’t like her?\u00a0 I don’t even know her!”<\/p>\n

“Well, you seem pretty set on not likin’ her,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “I dunno why.\u00a0 Jest ’cause she had enough sense not to marry a man she didn’t love-seems like a pretty silly reason not to like somebody, if you ask me.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t not like her!” insisted Joe.\u00a0 “She’s a nice girl, she’s pretty, a real good dancer-and clearly, she has excellent taste-in men\u00a0and<\/em>\u00a0music,” he added pointedly.\u00a0 “Just don’t\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0be getting any ideas about her,” he said.\u00a0 “Now, come on.\u00a0 We gotta get home before the McConnells get there.”\u00a0 He marched out of the alley, ignoring his big brother, who snickered as he followed.<\/p>\n

At the livery stable, they found Adam waiting.\u00a0 “Pa’s riding with the McConnells,” he said.\u00a0 As Joe saddled his horse, Adam said to Hoss in a low voice, “Everything go all right?”<\/p>\n

“We’ll be lucky if he waits ’til after dessert to propose,” chuckled Hoss.<\/p>\n

“Just don’t forget to have him play something,” Adam reminded his co-conspirator.<\/p>\n

“Somethin’ tells me that ain’t gonna be a problem,” grinned Hoss, stepping back as Joe led Cochise out of the stall.\u00a0 In a louder voice, he said to Joe, “You ready?”<\/p>\n

“Just waitin’ for you two,” Joe said.\u00a0 He shot one last glare at Hoss before he went outside and mounted.<\/p>\n

“Like a lamb to the slaughter,” said Adam.\u00a0 “Let’s go.”<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Joe reined in the team, smiling proudly.\u00a0 “What do you think?”<\/p>\n

Susanna laughed with delight.\u00a0 “Oh, Joe, it’s just breathtaking!\u00a0 I’ve never seen anything so magnificent!”<\/p>\n

“This is one of my favorite spots,” he said, sliding a bit closer.\u00a0 The view was one of the most striking on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 From the bluff, a person could see for miles.\u00a0 The mountains on the other side, craggy and capped with snow, looked to be almost on eye level.\u00a0 The pines stood, straight and strong and unbelievably tall, the dusty green boughs a stark contrast to the startling blue sky.\u00a0 Far beneath, the lake stretched as far as they could see in either direction.<\/p>\n

Casually, Joe rested his arm along the back of the seat, behind Susanna’s shoulders.\u00a0 He couldn’t figure out now why he’d been so hesitant about sparking her.\u00a0 He’d been plenty mad when he figured out that his brothers had set him up that day, but then she looked at him with those big brown eyes, and he forgave everybody everything.\u00a0 She was just perfect, in every way, and if his initial impressions had been a little off-well, that was all behind them now.<\/p>\n

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” she marveled.<\/p>\n

“I have,” he murmured.\u00a0 Smoothly, he began to draw her closer.<\/p>\n

“What are you doing?”\u00a0 She pulled back, glaring.<\/p>\n

“I–I’m sorry,” he stammered.\u00a0 “I thought–I didn’t mean–I’m sorry.”\u00a0 After three weeks of seeing her nearly every day, the urge to kiss was, frankly, almost overwhelming, and it had never occurred to him that she might feel differently.<\/p>\n

“What kind of a girl do you think I am, Joe Cartwright?” Susanna demanded.<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry,” he said again.\u00a0 “I didn’t mean to offend you.\u00a0 You’re just so beautiful, I-well, I’m sorry, Susanna.\u00a0 I shouldn’t have presumed.”\u00a0 He moved his arm from behind her and sat straight, and for a few minutes there was no sound except the breeze rustling the dried autumn leaves.<\/p>\n

“Well, I guess I should be getting you home,” Joe said finally.\u00a0 When Susanna remained silent, he slapped the reins and clucked to the team.\u00a0 He found himself curiously disappointed-not because she’d refused to kiss him, but in something he couldn’t quite articulate.<\/p>\n

He reined in the team in front of her house.\u00a0 “Well, here we are,” he said too loudly.\u00a0 When she didn’t speak or move, he said, more quietly, “Susanna, I’m sorry about before.\u00a0 I really didn’t mean to offend you.”<\/p>\n

She turned to him.\u00a0 “I understand,” she said.\u00a0 “I just–I just didn’t want you thinking I was one of\u00a0those<\/em>\u00a0type of girls.\u00a0 You know–the kind you’d find in saloons.”\u00a0 She leaned over quickly, kissed him on the cheek, and hopped out of the buggy.\u00a0 “Will I see you tomorrow?”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” he managed, tipping his hat.\u00a0 As he drove off, her words echoed in his head.\u00a0\u00a0One of those type of girls.\u00a0 You know–the kind you’d find in saloons.<\/em>\u00a0 Like Ruthie and Eileen, from the Singing Dove, who’d been such good friends to Joe and Robin when they’d worked there.\u00a0 Like Judith, Robin’s best friend, who’d been his lover after Robin’s death, and without whom he likely wouldn’t have survived his year-long binge.<\/p>\n

Like Robin, the love of his life.<\/p>\n

A bitter taste rose up in Joe’s throat.\u00a0 Susanna McConnell should be so lucky as to be as good as the girls he’d found in saloons.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Joe forked the last of the hay into Cochise’s stall.\u00a0 “There, you greedy nag, eat up!”\u00a0 He glanced around before he wiped his forehead on his sleeve. \u00a0Even simple barn chores seemed to take a lot more effort lately. \u00a0Still, Doc had put him on such light duty after his last checkup that he was lucky to be in the barn at all.<\/p>\n

“Excuse me–Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?”<\/p>\n

Joe turned to see Maggie Donaldson and her little boy standing in the doorway.\u00a0 “Mrs.\u00a0Donaldson,” he smiled.\u00a0 “And Jacob.\u00a0 What can I do for you?”<\/p>\n

“Well, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright, I wondered if I might speak with you for a moment,” she said hesitantly.<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I’m finished here.\u00a0 Why don’t we go into the house?”\u00a0 He hung up the pitchfork and led the way into the house.\u00a0 “Hey, Hop Sing, you around?” he called.<\/p>\n

“Hop Sing always around,” said the little man, running out of the kitchen.\u00a0 “What Li’l Joe want now?”<\/p>\n

“Some of your nice, cool lemonade and some sugar cookies for our guests,” said Joe, not in the least bit perturbed by Hop Sing’s sharp tone.<\/p>\n

“All time, all time Li’l Joe want this, want that, Hop Sing never get minute to self!”\u00a0 Hop Sing turned and ran back into the kitchen.<\/p>\n

“Really, we don’t need–” Maggie tried to call after him.<\/p>\n

Joe laughed.\u00a0 “It’s no use,” he said.\u00a0 “Besides, do you have any idea how much trouble I would have been in if he’d come out and found you here and I\u00a0hadn’t <\/em>asked him to bring you something?\u00a0 Believe me, he’s much happier this way.”\u00a0 He guided her to the settee.\u00a0 “Won’t you sit down?”<\/p>\n

“Come here, Jacob,” Maggie said.\u00a0 Reluctantly, the little boy turned from the grandfather clock and joined her on the settee.<\/p>\n

Once Hop Sing had brought the refreshments and Jacob was well-occupied with his cookie, Joe said, “So, Mrs.\u00a0Donaldson, what can I do for you?”<\/p>\n

“Well, for a start, I suppose you can stop calling me Mrs.\u00a0Donaldson,” said Maggie.\u00a0 At Joe’s raised eyebrows, she said softly, “I’ve never been married.”\u00a0 She followed his gaze to Jacob and nodded.<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” said Joe.\u00a0 He could feel her waiting for his judgment.\u00a0 “Well, then, Miss Donaldson, what can I do for you?”\u00a0 Her relief was palpable, and he smiled.<\/p>\n

“Please, call me Maggie,” she said.\u00a0 “And I need a piano player.\u00a0 Mrs. Barton wants to start a children’s choir at church, and they need someone to play for them.”<\/p>\n

“Why isn’t she here asking me?” asked Joe.<\/p>\n

“I was the one who suggested you,” Maggie admitted.\u00a0 “After hearing you play that Sunday, I thought you might be willing.\u00a0 So, since I made the suggestion, she thought that I should be the one to approach you.”<\/p>\n

Joe laughed.\u00a0 “Am I that hard to approach?”<\/p>\n

“No, but you know how it is,” said Maggie.\u00a0 “Children’s choirs aren’t exactly at the top of anybody’s list of important things to do.\u00a0 I think she just didn’t want to make the trip all the way out here for nothing.”<\/p>\n

“And you did?”\u00a0 Joe raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n

“I was hoping it wouldn’t be for nothing,” said Maggie.\u00a0 “Besides, I thought that maybe, when you said \u2018no,’ you’d feel guilty enough to make up for it by showing Jacob some of the animals you have around here.”\u00a0 She smiled slyly, and Joe couldn’t help laughing.<\/p>\n

“When will the kids practice?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“After Sunday school,” she said.\u00a0 “Only for about half an hour or so.\u00a0 Not long.”<\/p>\n

Sunday school, Joe recalled, met during the same time as the church service. \u00a0This would mean staying late after church. \u00a0The last thing he needed was something else to do, especially when he was supposed to be taking it easy, but those violet eyes.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

“Well, I do hate to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to say \u2018no,'” said Joe.\u00a0 “But maybe I can show Jacob some of the animals anyway.\u00a0 What do you think, Jacob?”<\/p>\n

“Wait–are you saying you’ll do it?”\u00a0 Maggie was clearly confused.<\/p>\n

“I might not be able to be there every week,” Joe cautioned.\u00a0 “Sometimes, I’m away on cattle drives and such.”\u00a0\u00a0Not if Doc has anything to say about it, of course.<\/em>\u00a0 “But if I’m here, I’m happy to help.”\u00a0 Her eyes and her smile both glowed, and his own smile widened in return.<\/p>\n

Then, without warning, the room began to spin, and he was suddenly short of breath.\u00a0\u00a0Slow it down, slow it down,\u00a0<\/em>he counseled himself, fighting panic.\u00a0 Carefully, he backed up and lowered himself into Pa’s chair.\u00a0\u00a0Just slow it down,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.<\/p>\n

“Mr.\u00a0Cartwright?\u00a0 Are you all right?” Maggie asked.<\/p>\n

He held up his hand.\u00a0 “Please, call me Joe,” he managed.\u00a0 His heart pounding, and he was lightheaded.\u00a0 “I’m all right,” he lied after a minute, when his breathing had eased somewhat.\u00a0 She handed him a glass of lemonade, and he smiled.\u00a0 “Thanks,” he said, sipping.<\/p>\n

“Jacob, please take this tray out to the kitchen for us,” said Maggie.\u00a0 Jacob looked suspicious, but he did as he was asked.\u00a0 As soon as he was out of the room, she moved over to sit on the hearth, next to his chair.\u00a0 “Do you need for me get someone for you?” she asked quietly.<\/p>\n

“No, I’m fine, really,” said Joe.\u00a0 “It happens sometimes. \u00a0I just get a little dizzy. \u00a0It’ll pass, and then we can go and see the animals.”<\/p>\n

“We’ll see the animals another time,” said Maggie firmly.\u00a0 She looked skeptically at him.\u00a0 “I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but you don’t look at all well.\u00a0 Are you certain there’s nothing I can do?\u00a0 Isn’t there someone I can get for you?”<\/p>\n

“Really, I’m fine,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I just need to stay here for a bit.\u00a0 It’ll pass.”\u00a0 His breathing was still rough, but the dizziness was settling down.\u00a0 He clutched the arms of the chair to steady himself.<\/p>\n

“All right, then,” she said.<\/p>\n

It took a minute before he realized that she was rubbing his hand.\u00a0 He didn’t know if she was even aware that she was doing it.\u00a0 Fully aware of his actions, he laid his other hand on top of hers.<\/p>\n

“I’m fine,” he reassured her.\u00a0 She blushed and ducked her head, but she didn’t move her hand from between his, and he was curiously pleased by this. \u00a0Odd that he wasn’t embarrassed at having her see him this way.\u00a0 It occurred to him that he’d have moved heaven and earth to avoid having Susanna witness one of these episodes.\u00a0 Well, his feelings for Susanna were very different, he reasoned.\u00a0 A man wants to be strong in front of the woman he–loves?\u00a0 Suddenly, he wasn’t certain how he felt about her.\u00a0 It was too much to think about now, anyway.\u00a0 He rested his head against the back of the chair, eyes closed, and he and Maggie sat for a while in unexpectedly comfortable silence.<\/p>\n

Jacob exploded back into the room.\u00a0 “Are we gonna see the animals?” he demanded.\u00a0 Joe opened his eyes and grinned at the boy.<\/p>\n

“Not today, Jacob,” Maggie said, releasing Joe’s hand as she rose.\u00a0 “We need to get home, but maybe soon, we can come back and see them.”<\/p>\n

“We can go out now,” protested Joe.\u00a0 He stood, but almost immediately he swayed and sat down again.<\/p>\n

“All right, that’s it,” said Maggie.\u00a0 “Jacob, please go and get Hop Sing.”\u00a0 The little boy ran from the room, and she turned to Joe.\u00a0 “What do you usually do next?”<\/p>\n

“Just stay here and wait it out,” said Joe.\u00a0 “But it’s nothing, really.\u00a0 Another few minutes, maybe, and then we can take Jacob out–”<\/p>\n

“What Li’l Joe do now?”\u00a0 Hop Sing came running into the room.\u00a0 When he saw Joe in Ben’s chair, he began chattering in Chinese.\u00a0 Fascinated, Jacob stared as the little man shook his finger in Joe’s face, clearly reprimanding him for something.\u00a0 Finally, Hop Sing said, “Li’l Joe stay put.\u00a0 Mistah Cahtlight back soon.\u00a0 Li’l Joe stay.\u00a0 Hmmmph.”\u00a0 He turned and marched back to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

“What did I tell you?” shrugged Joe, obviously unimpressed by the cook’s tirade.<\/p>\n

“Do you know what he said?” Jacob asked.<\/p>\n

“Most of it,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“What did he say?” challenged Jacob.<\/p>\n

“He said that I was supposed to sit here,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“I heard\u00a0that<\/em>,” said Jacob in disgust.\u00a0 “I meant the other stuff.”<\/p>\n

“Jacob!”\u00a0 Maggie shot him a fierce look.<\/p>\n

“I beg your pardon,” mumbled Jacob, looking down at his boots.<\/p>\n

Joe suppressed a smile.\u00a0 “It’s all right,” he said.<\/p>\n

Jacob returned to the more pressing topic.\u00a0 “What else did he say?\u00a0 That other stuff he said?”<\/p>\n

“Oh, you mean when he was talking Chinese,” said Joe as if the question were just now making sense.\u00a0 “Well–he said–”\u00a0 He looked at Maggie and then beckoned Jacob to come closer.\u00a0 To Maggie, he said, “This is just between us men.”\u00a0 When Jacob came next to the chair, Joe cupped his hand and whispered into his ear, and Jacob’s eyes grew wide.<\/p>\n

“Really?\u00a0 He said that?”<\/p>\n

“Cross my heart,” said Joe.\u00a0 “You just go and ask him yourself if you don’t believe me.”\u00a0 Jacob looked as if he were about to run back into the kitchen, but at his mother’s frown, he remained beside the chair.\u00a0 Joe winked at him.\u00a0 “You can ask him next time,” he said.\u00a0 He rose, and this time, he was steady on his feet.\u00a0 “See?\u00a0 It passes,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Then you can walk us out to our wagon,” said Maggie.\u00a0 “But we really do need to be going.”\u00a0 She extended her hand.\u00a0 “Thank you so much for agreeing to play for the children.”<\/p>\n

Joe took her hand in both of his.\u00a0 “It’ll be my pleasure,” he said.\u00a0 To Jacob, he added, “Don’t forget, now.\u00a0 You’re coming back to visit with the animals.”<\/p>\n

“Yes, sir,” said Jacob.<\/p>\n

Slowly, the threesome walked out to the wagon, Maggie’s hand on Joe’s arm.\u00a0 As if nothing had happened, Joe lifted Jacob into the wagon, and then he assisted Maggie.\u00a0 He stood still, waving as they drove out of the yard.\u00a0 Then, when they were safely out of sight, he called, “Hop Sing!”<\/p>\n

The little man appeared as if by magic–or as if he’d been watching from the kitchen.\u00a0 “What you do?\u00a0 Hop Sing tell Li’l Joe stay put!” he scolded, scurrying to where Joe remained rooted in place.<\/p>\n

“Just give me a hand, will you?”\u00a0 He reached for Hop Sing, finally secure that he could take a step without falling.\u00a0 Leaning heavily on his friend, Joe made his way into the house. \u00a0Hop Sing looked questioningly at the stairs, but Joe shook his head:\u00a0\u00a0impossible.<\/em>\u00a0 With a skill honed by too much recent practice, Hop Sing helped him to lie down on the settee and arranged pillows so that Joe’s head and shoulders were elevated.\u00a0 “That’s good, thanks,” Joe said as he tried to regain his breath.\u00a0 “When’s Pa due back?”<\/p>\n

“Not ’til supper,” said Hop Sing.\u00a0 He spread a blanket over Joe, adding, “Adam, Hoss not ’til supper.\u00a0 Li’l Joe sleep good.”\u00a0 He assessed the young man, frowning.\u00a0 He had always kept Joe’s confidences from the time the youngest Cartwright was a little boy, but this was something else again.\u00a0 He wasn’t at all happy about keeping this from Mister Ben.<\/p>\n

“Wake me up before they get home, will you?”\u00a0 Joe’s eyelids were already getting heavy.<\/p>\n

“Li’l Joe need tell father, doctor, what happen,” said Hop Sing sternly.<\/p>\n

“I just saw Doc,” said Joe.\u00a0 “He knows everything.\u00a0 Just wake me up before Pa gets back.\u00a0 Otherwise, he’ll worry.\u00a0 You don’t want to worry him, do you?”<\/p>\n

Hop Sing glared at the obvious manipulation.\u00a0 “Hop Sing wake Li’l Joe before family home,” he said finally.\u00a0 With a grumpy snort, he turned on his heel and went back to the kitchen, pigtail flying behind him.<\/p>\n

“Thanks,” managed Joe.\u00a0 This was happening too often lately.\u00a0 Sooner or later, Pa was going to figure out what was going on, and there was going to be hell to pay.\u00a0\u00a0But not today,<\/em>\u00a0Joe thought, closing his eyes.\u00a0 His last thought, before he drifted off to sleep, was of Miss Maggie Donaldson’s incredible violet eyes.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
Sunday morning found Mrs.\u00a0Droppers<\/strong> visiting her sister in Placerville, and Joe at the piano.\u00a0 He noted with satisfaction how Susanna beamed with pride during the hymns.\u00a0 Of course, she’d looked far less happy when Maggie Donaldson was turning pages for him during the prelude, but a quick wink at the end had dispelled the storm clouds.\u00a0 She and her uncle sat next to the Cartwrights in a pew; however, the arrival of latecomers meant that she sat in the middle of the pew, and decorum forbade his climbing over the others to join her.\u00a0 So, he ended up sitting in the corner of the front pew, closest to the piano and right beside the little Donaldson boy, and he didn’t have to turn around to feel the heat of the glare coming at him from the fourth pew.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
As he played the postlude, Joe could feel Susanna’s eyes on him.\u00a0 She would never do what he knew she wanted to, which was to make a beeline for the piano; she was a lady, and she would wait for him to come to her.\u00a0 But she was watching, and specifically, she was watching Maggie reach over and turn pages for him.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
He slowed for the final three measures, then held the last chord.\u00a0 When he lifted his hands, Maggie was already turning away.\u00a0 “Maggie!” he called, louder than he’d intended.\u00a0 She turned back, and he asked, “Are the children practicing in here?”<\/div>\n

“Do you still want to do this?”\u00a0 She seemed slightly surprised.<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I said I would.\u00a0 Why?”<\/p>\n

“I just thought–I didn’t know if it would be too much for you,” she said awkwardly.<\/p>\n

Joe was silent for a moment.\u00a0 He could feel Susanna looking at him.\u00a0 He considered his options for a moment.\u00a0 To hell with propriety.\u00a0 “May I speak with you privately for a moment?” he said, barely controlling his fury.<\/p>\n

She looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation.\u00a0 “Jacob, go and find Mrs.\u00a0Barton,” she said.\u00a0 When the boy ran off, Joe took her arm and led her out the doorway at the front of the sanctuary, where the preacher entered, and down the narrow hallway to an empty room.\u00a0 He closed the door behind him and turned, green eyes blazing.<\/p>\n

“What have you said to anyone about what happened the other day?” he demanded.<\/p>\n

“What–I–what are you talking about?”<\/p>\n

“I trusted you to keep that private,” he said.\u00a0 “My own father doesn’t know what happened, and I am damned if he’s going to find out from some old biddy out on the church steps!”<\/p>\n

“Joe, believe me–I never said anything,” said Maggie, her eyes wide at his intensity.<\/p>\n

“What did you tell Mrs.\u00a0Barton about my playing for the children?” he demanded.<\/p>\n

“I said-I said you weren’t sure, because you’re out of town a lot,” she said.\u00a0 Her voice trembled slightly.<\/p>\n

“And who gave you the right to make that decision?\u00a0 I told you that I would do it.\u00a0 Where do you get the nerve to decide what I can and cannot do?”\u00a0 His volume grew to nearly a roar.<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry,” she said.\u00a0 “I thought I was helping. \u00a0I didn’t mean–”\u00a0 Tears welled up in her eyes.\u00a0 “I swear to you, I didn’t tell a soul.”<\/p>\n

“Didn’t tell a soul what?”<\/p>\n

They both turned to see Ben standing in the doorway, looking grim.\u00a0 He’d offered to find Joe for Susanna.\u00a0 What he hadn’t expected to find was Joe shouting at the young woman who’d been turning his pages a few minutes earlier.\u00a0 His son was clearly furious, and the lady looked as if she were about to cry.\u00a0 Only his confidence that his son would not dishonor a lady prevented him from drawing the obvious conclusion.<\/p>\n

“Joseph?\u00a0 What is going on?”\u00a0 Ben demanded.<\/p>\n

Joe drew a deep breath as he glared at Maggie.\u00a0\u00a0Please, God, don’t let me get dizzy now,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0 He stood straight and tall as he turned to his father.\u00a0 “It’s a personal matter, Pa,” he said, one man to another.\u00a0 Let his father think what he would.<\/p>\n

Ben looked from his son to the girl.\u00a0 After a moment, she nodded her acquiescence.<\/p>\n

There was a time when Ben would never have stood for such a response from one of his sons, especially his youngest.\u00a0 Standing in this room, though, he was suddenly keenly aware that he was not, in fact, entitled to more information.\u00a0 In the years since his return from San Francisco, Joe had earned his father’s respect-and his trust.\u00a0 Like it or not, Joseph was a man, and he had the right to a private life.<\/p>\n

“Then, I suggest that you tend to it a more appropriate manner,” Ben said.\u00a0 “And when you finish, Miss McConnell is waiting for you.”\u00a0 He resisted the urge to shoot a glance at the young lady to see her reaction to this statement.<\/p>\n

“Please tell Susanna I’ll be delayed,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I have a rehearsal to play for.”\u00a0 This last was spoken to his father, but delivered while looking at Maggie.<\/p>\n

“Very well, I’ll tell her,” said Ben.\u00a0 The tension in the room fairly crackled, but he knew that there was nothing more to learn now.\u00a0 “How long will you be?”<\/p>\n

“About half an hour,” said Joe.\u00a0 He nodded coldly to Maggie.\u00a0 “Good day, Miss Donaldson.”\u00a0 He squeezed past Ben in the doorway and was gone.<\/p>\n

Ben regarded the young woman for a long moment.\u00a0 “Are you all right, miss?” he inquired.<\/p>\n

She smiled.\u00a0 “Yes, thank you, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” she said.\u00a0 “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go and find my son.”\u00a0 She slipped past him and headed down the hall toward the sanctuary, and Ben watched her go.<\/p>\n

In the same way, he watched Joe for the remainder of the day.\u00a0 Whatever had happened, the young man was clearly very troubled by it.\u00a0 He had met up with his family and the McConnells at the International House after his rehearsal, but he said little throughout dinner.\u00a0 He made small talk and even smiled, but his smile never reached his eyes.<\/p>\n

“Did you enjoy playing for the children?” asked Susanna at one point.<\/p>\n

“They’re cute,” shrugged Joe.\u00a0 “Some of them couldn’t carry a tune in their lunch pails, but they try.”<\/p>\n

“I hear that the Donaldson boy can sing,” said Adam.<\/p>\n

A shadow passed over Joe’s face.\u00a0 “I guess he probably can,” he said.\u00a0 “I didn’t get to hear them separately.”\u00a0 He turned his attention to his dinner as if that would end the discussion.<\/p>\n

“Wasn’t that his mother turning pages for you this morning?” asked Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “That was her,” he said shortly.<\/p>\n

“Is she a singer?” asked Adam.<\/p>\n

“I don’t know,” snapped Joe.\u00a0 “I don’t know anything about her.”<\/p>\n

“That’s probably just as well,” offered Susanna.\u00a0 “I’ve heard some of what there is to know, and you wouldn’t care for it.”\u00a0 She looked around the table, brown eyes wide with innocence.\u00a0 “To be honest, I’m surprised that the church even lets someone like her work with children.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean, \u2018someone like her’?\u00a0 She seems like a nice enough lady,” said Hoss.<\/p>\n

“I don’t think most people would refer to her as a lady,” said Susanna.\u00a0 “After all, she-”<\/p>\n

“That’s enough,” Joe cut in.<\/p>\n

“But I was just saying–”<\/p>\n

“I know what you were saying.”\u00a0 Joe’s voice was cold with fury.\u00a0 “And I’m saying, that’s enough.”<\/p>\n

“Joseph!”\u00a0 It was the second time in an hour that he’d seen this look on his son’s face, and this time, he wasn’t going to tolerate it.\u00a0 He was about to lay into Joe when he saw his son’s expression change and his face go pale.<\/p>\n

“Excuse me, I’m going to step outside and get some air.”\u00a0 Joe was on his feet and out of the dining room before anyone could respond.<\/p>\n

A moment later, Ben found him sitting in a corner of the lobby, breathing heavily, tie untied and collar unbuttoned.\u00a0 “Are you all right, son?”<\/p>\n

“Just got a little warm in there,” Joe said.\u00a0 He gave silent thanks for the fact that he’d been able to get out of the dining room under his own steam.\u00a0 “You go back in and finish your dinner,” he added.\u00a0 “I’m fine.\u00a0 I’m just going to sit here for a few minutes.”<\/p>\n

“I’ll stay with you,” said Ben firmly.<\/p>\n

“No, Pa, if you stay, then the next thing you know, everybody else is gonna be coming out, and I really don’t want that,” Joe protested.\u00a0 “Somebody needs to keep Susanna at the table,” he added.<\/p>\n

Ben cast an appraising look at his son.\u00a0 He could certainly understand Joe not wanting his young lady to see him feeling unwell.\u00a0 Still, he didn’t like the notion leaving Joe here alone.<\/p>\n

“Let me get you some water,” he said.\u00a0 A minute later, he returned with a glass, which he pressed into Joe’s hand.\u00a0 Joe drank, but when he handed the glass back, Ben frowned at how his son’s hand was shaking.\u00a0 “Do we need to get Doc?” he asked in a low voice.\u00a0 As Joe started to dispel the idea, Susanna’s voice rang out.<\/p>\n

“Joe?\u00a0 Are you all right?”\u00a0 She came around the corner, brown eyes wide with concern, ande took the seat on Joe’s other side.\u00a0 “What’s the matter?\u00a0 Is something wrong?”<\/p>\n

“No, nothing’s wrong,” lied Joe.\u00a0 “I just got a little warm in there.\u00a0 Came out here to cool off a bit.”\u00a0 To his father, his smile looked forced, but Susanna didn’t seem to notice.<\/p>\n

“Come back in,” she urged, rising and tugging at his hand.<\/p>\n

“I think I’m going to stay here for a few minutes,” said Joe.\u00a0 “You go back in and finish eating, though.”<\/p>\n

“Oh, I’d rather sit here with you,” she said, pouting ever so slightly.\u00a0 To prove it, she sat back down, and Joe cast his father a pleading look.<\/p>\n

“Actually, I need for Joe to run an errand for me,” said Ben.\u00a0 It went against his nature to lie, but right then, he couldn’t come up with anything better.\u00a0 “Joe, I believe Doc Martin probably has those powders ready, so if you’ll just pick them up, that’ll be a great help.\u00a0 I sometimes have trouble sleeping,” he added to Susanna, as if in explanation.\u00a0 “Why don’t we go back inside, and Joe will be along after he does my errand.”\u00a0 He offered Susanna his arm, leaving her no choice but to take it and walk with him back into the dining room.<\/p>\n

Nearly ten minutes passed before Joe felt steady enough to return to the table.\u00a0 When Susanna inquired, he said that Doc hadn’t had anything ready for him, which was half true:\u00a0 since Doc wasn’t supposed to prepare any medications, he wouldn’t have had any ready, even if Joe had walked over to see him.\u00a0 Shortly afterward, the party broke up, and Susanna took Joe’s arm as they strolled down the street.<\/p>\n

“Hey, there’s Mrs.\u00a0Donaldson,” said Hoss, delighted at having spotted the subject of their dinner conversation.<\/p>\n

“Miss<\/em>\u00a0Donaldson,” said Susanna pointedly, and Joe had a sudden blinding urge slap the smug superiority right off her face.\u00a0 Frozen with rage, he said nothing, and Susanna held to Joe’s arm a bit more tightly as Maggie and Jacob approached.<\/p>\n

“Good afternoon, Miss Donaldson, Jacob,” she said smoothly, with a gracious, triumphant smile.\u00a0 The men touched the brims of their hats to her.<\/p>\n

“Good afternoon,” said Joe, and his eyes said a great deal more.<\/p>\n

“Good afternoon,” Maggie echoed. \u00a0She looked from Joe to Susanna, and back to Joe with a question in her eyes.\u00a0 Seeing the question, Susanna rested her other hand on Joe’s arm as well, and her smile widened every so slightly.<\/p>\n

They walked on, Susanna chattering brightly about something or other.\u00a0 As they reached the livery stable, Joe felt his heart begin to pound, but not in the way that meant he needed to sit down.\u00a0 This was different, and he knew enough to pay attention to it.\u00a0 He saw Susanna and her uncle into their carriage and watched them drive away, ignoring the disappointed look in her eyes.\u00a0 “Pa, I’ll be right back,” said Joe.\u00a0 Before his father could stop him, he darted out of the livery stable and ran up the street, looking frantically from one side to another.<\/p>\n

Then, he saw her.\u00a0 “Maggie!” he called.<\/p>\n

She stopped and turned.\u00a0 When she saw him running toward her, her eyes grew wide.\u00a0 “Joe, what are you doing?” she demanded.\u00a0 “Have you lost your mind?”<\/p>\n

“I–I did, but–I found it,” he panted, catching up to her.\u00a0 He started to cough, and she took his arm and steered him to the nearest bench.<\/p>\n

“Now, what on earth are you talking about?” she asked when he’d caught his breath.<\/p>\n

“You,” he said.\u00a0 “You’re what I’m talking about.\u00a0 I’m so sorry–I shouldn’t have yelled at you–I’m sorry, Maggie.\u00a0 I had no right to speak to you that way.”<\/p>\n

“I had no right to make your decision for you,” she responded.<\/p>\n

“So, neither of us had the right to do what we did,” he said.\u00a0 “I guess that makes us even.”<\/p>\n

“I guess,” she said softly.\u00a0 They sat quietly for a few minutes, their hands almost touching.<\/p>\n

“Maggie.”\u00a0 His voice was low and serious.\u00a0 “I feel like the worst kind of cad saying this when you just saw me with someone, but–”<\/p>\n

“Don’t.”\u00a0 She laid a finger on his lips.\u00a0 “I understand why someone like that would appeal to you-someone respectable.”<\/p>\n

“No, Maggie, don’t say that,” said Joe urgently.\u00a0 “Don’t ever say anything like that again.\u00a0 I have nothing but the highest respect for you.\u00a0 That’s why I can’t say–what I want to say to you right now.\u00a0 But once I’ve taken care of–what needs to be taken care of–I’m hoping–I have no right to ask–”<\/p>\n

“Let’s just forget about rights for a minute, shall we?” she teased gently, and his smile lit up his face.\u00a0 “As between us, from now on, we have whatever rights we want.\u00a0 Deal?”\u00a0 She held out her hand as if to shake on it.<\/p>\n

“Deal,” grinned Joe, shaking her hand.\u00a0 Not letting go of her hand, he asked softly, “Will you still be my page turner?”<\/p>\n

“You do know how to turn a girl’s head, don’t you, Joe Cartwright?”\u00a0 Her laugh was light and musical, and it was all he could do not to kiss her, right there on the street.<\/p>\n

“Just you wait, Maggie Donaldson,” he said.\u00a0 “You’ll see how I can turn a girl’s head.\u00a0 I promise you that.”<\/p>\n

Her eyes grew serious.\u00a0 “But, Joe–you’re with someone else.”\u00a0 She regarded him soberly, clearly braced against his next words.<\/p>\n

“Not for long,” he promised.\u00a0 “I need to speak to her, that’s true.\u00a0 But after I do that–I’m hoping that you’ll agree to have dinner with me.”<\/p>\n

Maggie rose.\u00a0 “Ask me again after you’ve spoken to her,” she said quietly.\u00a0 “That is–if you still want to.”<\/p>\n

Joe stood.\u00a0 “Oh, I’ll be asking, all right,” he said.\u00a0 “Just you wait and see, Miss Donaldson.”\u00a0 Quickly, he kissed her hand.\u00a0 “I’ll definitely be asking,” he said, and her smile made his heart pound.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Where’s Joe?” asked Ben as Adam and Hoss came inside.<\/p>\n

“He’s out in the barn,” said Hoss, hanging his hat on the peg.<\/p>\n

“Which is fine by us,” Adam added.<\/p>\n

“He’s sure been a caution these last few days,” said Hoss.\u00a0 Ben couldn’t help but agree.<\/p>\n

The aftermath of Sunday had been every bit as stormy as the day itself.\u00a0 He and Joe had had an enormous battle over whether Joe could take the buggy over to the McConnells.\u00a0 Joe claimed that he had a matter of urgency to discuss with his young lady, but Ben was putting his foot down–the boy didn’t look at all well, and enough was enough.\u00a0 It had already been a long day, and it would be a longer ride back to the ranch from Virginia City.\u00a0 Whatever Joe needed to discuss with Susanna McConnell could wait until Monday.\u00a0 So, Joe had fumed and sulked the entire way home, and as soon as they pulled into the yard, he was saddling his horse and riding out, with his father calling after him.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe didn’t get back until nearly dark, and it was only sheer dumb luck that he keeled over in the yard, rather than on the road back from McConnells.\u00a0 Adam rode for the doctor like the devil himself was on his tail, and when Joe heard what the doctor had to say, anyone listening would have thought that the devil had landed right there in that room. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“Two weeks!\u00a0 That’s ridiculous!”\u00a0 If Joe had had more strength, he’d have been shouting.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“Two weeks,” said the doctor calmly.\u00a0 “What did you think you were doing, anyway?\u00a0 I seem to recall having a talk with you about this type of behavior.\u00a0 After a long ride into town, and a long day in town, you were running down the street, and then after another long drive home, you were riding all the way over to McConnells’ and back?\u00a0 You’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself outright, Joe.\u00a0 Your heart is not going to stand for that kind of treatment.\u00a0 I have been telling you for months that you need to slow down, and you’re not listening, and I don’t know how to make you listen except to tell you the truth:\u00a0 if you keep up the way you’re going, you’re going to die.\u00a0 Are you listening to me?” he added.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’m listening,” said Joe, biting off his words.\u00a0 “Two weeks in bed—that’s insane.\u00a0 I have things I need to do.\u00a0 There’s a whole string of horses that we’re under contract to deliver, and they’re still way too rough.\u00a0 And I’ve got other things I have to see to, too,” he finished lamely.\u00a0 Dinner with Maggie Donaldson was definitely at the top of his list, but he preferred to keep it quiet, especially coming so soon after the end of his relationship with Susanna McConnell. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“It doesn’t matter what you think you need to do,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “I’m telling your father, your brothers and Hop Sing:\u00a0 you put one foot out of that bed, and I’m having you moved into my clinic so that I can supervise you personally-and you know as well as I do that they’ll go along with me on this, so don’t try me.”<\/em><\/p>\n

With no choice, Joe went along with the doctor’s orders, but he was so infuriated that he got little rest.\u00a0 He wrote Maggie a note, explaining the situation, and he gave private thanks for the fact that she alone would understand that this was not just an excuse. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

At the end of the two weeks, Doc reluctantly agreed with Joe’s demand that he be permitted to do light work.\u00a0 Almost immediately, Joe was out the door and into the barn, but his temperament didn’t improve.\u00a0 To the contrary, he was even touchier than ever–the state of affairs on which his brothers commented when they’d gratefully left him behind in the barn.<\/em><\/p>\n

“So, when’s your big date with Maggie Donaldson?” asked Adam that night at dinner.<\/p>\n

“None of your business,” snapped Joe.<\/p>\n

“Joseph!”\u00a0 Ben glared at his son.\u00a0 “Your brother asked a perfectly civil question, and he deserves a civil response.”\u00a0\u00a0Or else,<\/em>\u00a0his tone concluded.<\/p>\n

“Sorry, Adam,” said Joe in a voice that sounded anything but sorry.\u00a0 “Saturday.”<\/p>\n

“That’ll be nice,” said Adam, for want of anything better to say.\u00a0 They ate in silence, the black cloud of Joe’s mood hanging over the table.\u00a0 By the end of the meal, Ben had had enough.<\/p>\n

“Joseph, I’d like to speak with you,” he said firmly.\u00a0 To his elder sons, he said, “I believe you two have things to do in the barn.”<\/p>\n

“Sure, Pa,” said Adam, tugging at Hoss’ arm before Hoss could point out, quite honestly, that there was nothing in the barn that they needed to attend to.<\/p>\n

Sullenly, Joe remained in his chair, steadfastly not looking at his father.\u00a0 Ben regarded him for a moment.\u00a0 Then, he asked, “All right, now.\u00a0 What is all this about?”<\/p>\n

“All what?”<\/p>\n

“This.”\u00a0 Ben gestured broadly.\u00a0 “I understand you weren’t happy about what happened with Susanna or about being restricted to bed–not that that gave you any excuse to act as you did–but those are both over, and I am completely at a loss as to why you feel entitled to stomp around here and bite everyone’s head off.\u00a0 Now, I would like an explanation, and I’d like it now.”<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath.\u00a0 “I’m sorry,” he said finally.<\/p>\n

“I appreciate your apology, but I have asked for an explanation,” said Ben.\u00a0 He was tempted to remind his son that there would have been a time when even half the behavior he’d displayed recently would have earned him a sound tanning.<\/p>\n

Joe pushed his now-cold peas around his plate.\u00a0 How could he explain it to his father when he couldn’t even explain it to himself?\u00a0 Frustrated, he rose and reached for the brandy decanter on the sideboard.<\/p>\n

“Joseph, what are you doing?”\u00a0 His father’s tone had changed, from pure anger to a mix of anger and something else.\u00a0 Worry?\u00a0 Fear?\u00a0 Disgust?\u00a0 It was gone too quickly to know.<\/p>\n

“I just need a little something,” he said.\u00a0 “You want some?”<\/p>\n

Ben moved to his side and took the decanter out of his hand.\u00a0 “No,” he said.\u00a0 “I don’t want any, and I don’t want you to have any, either.”<\/p>\n

“I’m a grown man!” snapped Joe.<\/p>\n

“A grown man who has a bad heart and can’t hold his liquor,” said Ben steadily.\u00a0 “Whatever your problem is, this isn’t going to help it.”\u00a0 He held his son’s gaze until the fire in the glare lessened, revealing the pain lurking beneath, and Joe turned away.\u00a0 “Son, what is it?”\u00a0 Ben’s voice was gentle now.\u00a0 He set down the decanter and guided his son away from the table.\u00a0 Woodenly, Joe sat on the settee, unwilling now to meet his father’s eyes.\u00a0 Ben sat on the table, placing a hand on his son’s knee.\u00a0 “What’s the matter, son?” he asked again.<\/p>\n

“Maggie,” Joe said finally.<\/p>\n

“What about her?” asked Ben, holding his voice steady only with effort as the scene he’d witnessed at the church came back to him.\u00a0 He’d been so certain that nothing untoward was going on, but now, with the way Joe was acting, a niggling doubt was creeping in.<\/p>\n

“We’re having dinner on Saturday,” said Joe, as if this explained everything.<\/p>\n

When he said nothing else, Ben prodded, “I don’t understand.\u00a0 Do you not want to see her?\u00a0 I thought you liked her.”<\/p>\n

“I do,” said Joe.\u00a0 He sounded as if he were admitting to stealing a horse.<\/p>\n

“Are you concerned about what people are going to say because–well, because of her son?”\u00a0 Ben hated to think that he’d raised his sons to be that worried about what others thought, but he had to admit that an unwed mother was hardly his ideal choice for one of his sons.<\/p>\n

“If I worried about that kind of thing, I’d never have married Robin,” Joe snorted.<\/p>\n

“Then I don’t understand.\u00a0 What’s the problem?”\u00a0 When Joe’s answer was not forthcoming, Ben busied himself with fetching the coffee pot and cups.\u00a0 He poured coffee and handed a cup to Joe, who nodded his thanks before he finally spoke.<\/p>\n

“I like her.”\u00a0 Again, it sounded like a confession.<\/p>\n

“I assumed as much,” said Ben.\u00a0 “But I don’t understand how that’s a problem.\u00a0 Unless–doesn’t she like you?”\u00a0 The conversation felt like one he’d have had when Joe was fourteen.<\/p>\n

Joe chuckled ruefully, clearly hearing the same thing.\u00a0 “It’s not like that,” he said, setting down his cup.\u00a0 He fell silent.\u00a0 Just as Ben was about to prod again, Joe lifted his head.\u00a0 “After Adam’s mother died–how long was it until you–well, until you met someone special?”<\/p>\n

Ben began to see a glimmer of the problem.\u00a0 “Five years,” he said.\u00a0 “It was when I met Hoss’s mother.”<\/p>\n

Joe looked at him squarely, the pain his eyes so raw that Ben nearly looked away.\u00a0 The younger man took a deep breath and forced the words out.\u00a0 “When you realized that she was special–did you ever feel like you were cheating on Adam’s mother?”<\/p>\n

Ben caught his breath.\u00a0\u00a0Oh, my dear boy–how did I not see this coming?\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0He took his son’s hand in both of his.\u00a0 “Son, don’t do that to yourself,” he said.\u00a0 “Robin loved you.\u00a0 She’d want you to be happy.”\u00a0 It was true, every word of it, but even Ben could hear how empty his words sounded.<\/p>\n

“I didn’t feel like this with Susanna,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“Maybe because you didn’t care so much about Susanna,” suggested Ben.\u00a0 “But you care about Maggie, don’t you?”<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “More than I ever thought I’d care about another woman,” he admitted.\u00a0 “But when I think about falling in love with her, being with her, maybe marrying her–I just feel sick, like I’m being unfaithful to Robin–and I know that’s ridiculous, but–”\u00a0 Tears welled up in his eyes.\u00a0 “She was the one.\u00a0 She was the love of my life.\u00a0 How can I be with someone else and not betray her?”\u00a0 His voice broke.<\/p>\n

Ben moved to sit beside him on the settee, drawing him close. \u00a0As he held his son, he found himself thinking of the myriad of other such moments, when he’d comforted his boys through the trials and tribulations of childhood.\u00a0\u00a0“Do we have to move again, Pa?”\u00a0 “They said I was dumb, Pa!”\u00a0 “Pa, what do you mean, Mama can’t come back from heaven?”<\/em>\u00a0 Always, they’d expected him to have the answers, even to the hardest questions.\u00a0 They’d had no idea how often he felt that he was fumbling along, praying for wisdom and yet having no idea whether his words were hitting the mark.\u00a0 And as his sons grew, the questions became harder and harder.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

Joe sat up, wiping his eyes.\u00a0 “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all–”<\/p>\n

“Ssssh,” said Ben.\u00a0 “None of that, now.”\u00a0 He handed his handkerchief to his son, who smiled his thanks.\u00a0 “Son, I don’t know exactly how you feel,” Ben admitted.\u00a0 “When Adam’s mother died, I was so angry with her for leaving us that I felt like anything I did was justified.”\u00a0 His eyes darkened with remembered pain.\u00a0 “Angry and bitter, for years,” he said.\u00a0 “Even now, there are moments when I think of what I must have put your brother through, and I can’t bear to look in the mirror.”<\/p>\n

“Adam’s long since forgiven you.\u00a0 You know that.”\u00a0 Joe rested his hand on his father’s arm, and Ben nodded.<\/p>\n

“I know,” he agreed.\u00a0 “I also know that the heart has an amazing capacity for love.\u00a0 And if Robin was half the woman you’ve said she was, I promise you–she wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life alone, just thinking about her.\u00a0 She’d want you to be happy–including marrying again, if that would make you happy.”<\/p>\n

“You’re saying I should just move on,” said Joe with a touch of bitterness.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “I’m saying that it’s possible to love someone new without taking anything away from what you had with Robin.\u00a0 You’ll always love Robin, and that won’t change if you fall in love with Maggie, or with someone else.\u00a0 I still love Adam’s mother, just as I love Hoss’ mother and yours.”<\/p>\n

“But eventually, you moved on.”\u00a0 It wasn’t quite a question, but Ben nodded.<\/p>\n

“Not until I met Inger,” he said.\u00a0 “Even then, I was so wrapped up in my grief that I very nearly let her slip away.”\u00a0 He met his son’s eyes squarely.\u00a0 “And that would have been the worst mistake I could have made.”<\/p>\n

For a long minute, father and son sat quietly.\u00a0 Then, Joe smiled.\u00a0 “Thanks, Pa,” he said softly. \u00a0“Sorry I’ve been so, uh–difficult.”<\/p>\n

“I think you need to mention that to your brothers, too,” suggested Ben.<\/p>\n

“I know,” said Joe.\u00a0 “That should be a lot of fun,” he added wryly.<\/p>\n

Well, you earned it,<\/em>\u00a0Ben thought, smiling at last.\u00a0 Joe stood, and Ben asked, “You heading upstairs?”<\/p>\n

“Not quite yet,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Will I keep you awake if I play for a little while?”<\/p>\n

“Go ahead,” said Ben.\u00a0 He watched as Joe sat at the keyboard, his hands hovering the ivory.\u00a0 From nowhere, the thought came to Ben:\u00a0\u00a0He thinks with his fingers.<\/em>\u00a0 Such a whimsical notion startled him, but in the next moments, as Joe began to play, he knew that he was right.<\/p>\n

The music started in low, minor chords, dark and grim and fierce.\u00a0 Even Ben could hear the very anger and bitterness he’d described.\u00a0 Gradually, the mood lightened, the sun peeking out from behind the thundercloud.\u00a0 The rumbling of the intense dark notes continued, but more and more, they were offset by the softer, lighter sounds which, in turn, began to hint at something more, even to dance.<\/p>\n

Quietly, Ben turned to go upstairs, knowing that his son neither knew nor cared if anyone listened.\u00a0 And knowing, too, that Joe was finally working his way out of a time and a place that had held him long enough.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Joe?\u00a0 Joe, can you hear me?\u00a0 Joe, wake up.\u00a0 Joe!”<\/p>\n

His eyelids had never felt so heavy, but Joe tried to do as he was told.\u00a0 It took a massive effort to open them enough to admit any light.\u00a0 He couldn’t see who was talking.<\/p>\n

A hand slapped his cheek gently.\u00a0 “Joe!\u00a0 Joe, wake up!”<\/p>\n

I’m trying,<\/em>\u00a0he thought irritably.\u00a0 He was about to turn his back on the whole notion when he heard the deep rumble of his father’s voice.\u00a0 He reached his hand out toward Pa’s voice, and he heard excitement break out.<\/p>\n

“Joe!”\u00a0 The first voice was more urgent now.\u00a0 “Joe, can you hear me?”\u00a0 Joe grunted.\u00a0 “Can you open your eyes for me?”<\/p>\n

They’re already open,<\/em>\u00a0he thought, but he tried to open them farther.\u00a0 The light was so bright that his eyes reflexively squinched shut.\u00a0 Somebody said something he didn’t catch, and then he heard, “Try again, Joe.”\u00a0 He tried again, and this time, the light was softer.\u00a0 “That’s good,” said the voice.\u00a0 Joe struggled to focus, and slowly, he realized that Doc Martin was hovering over him.<\/p>\n

“Doc?”<\/p>\n

“Well, it’s about time,” said the doctor so matter-of-factly that no one would have known how much he’d feared for his patient’s life.\u00a0 “That was quite a nap you had there, young man.”<\/p>\n

“Pa?”\u00a0 He knew he’d heard his father’s voice before.<\/p>\n

“I’m right here,” said Ben gently.\u00a0 Once more, he silently gave thanks for the cattlemen’s meeting that had had him in town this evening.\u00a0 He reached past the doctor to stroke his son’s ashen cheek.\u00a0 “How’re you feeling?”<\/p>\n

“Tired,” murmured Joe.\u00a0 “Chest hurts.\u00a0 What–what’s going on?”<\/p>\n

“What’s the last thing you remember?” asked Doc Martin.\u00a0 He rested his fingertips against the young man’s neck, counting.<\/p>\n

Joe thought for several minutes.\u00a0 “Hoss,” he said finally.\u00a0 “I was working with Hoss.\u00a0 We were fixing fences up in the north pasture.”\u00a0 Fear clutched his throat.\u00a0 “Is Hoss all right?”\u00a0 His breathing became harder and faster, and he tried to sit up.\u00a0 “Where’s Hoss?” he demanded.<\/p>\n

“Easy, Joe, easy,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Just lie back.\u00a0 Hoss is fine.\u00a0 There’s nothing wrong with Hoss.”<\/p>\n

“Then where is he?” Joe managed, his breathing becoming harsher.<\/p>\n

“Joe!\u00a0 Joe, look at me,” said the doctor sternly.\u00a0 He moved closer until his eyes were only inches from Joe’s.\u00a0 “Look at me,” he repeated.\u00a0 Joe met his eyes.\u00a0 “Now, breathe on my count.\u00a0 Out, two, three, four.\u00a0 In, two, three, four.\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 Again.\u00a0 Out, two, three, four. . . .”\u00a0 Slowly, with much effort, Joe conformed his breathing to the doctor’s count, never looking away from the pale blue eyes and not noticing as the count grew slightly slower with each cycle.<\/p>\n

Finally, the doctor sat back.\u00a0 “That’s better,” he said.\u00a0 He placed his stethoscope in his ears and listened to Joe’s chest.\u00a0 “So, the last thing you remember is working with Hoss?” he asked if Joe had made the statement only a second before.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “Is Hoss all right?”<\/p>\n

“Hoss is fine,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “Your little episode came much later.\u00a0 You don’t remember coming into town tonight?”\u00a0 Joe shook his head.\u00a0 “Do you remember Maggie Donaldson?”<\/p>\n

“Sure, I know her,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“Do you remember having dinner with her this evening?” asked the doctor.<\/p>\n

Joe furrowed his brow.\u00a0 “I’ve never had dinner with Maggie Donaldson,” he said finally.\u00a0 “I’d remember that.”<\/p>\n

“Well, apparently, that’s not quite so,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “You did have dinner with her tonight, or started to.\u00a0 From what she said, you barely made it to the entr\u00e9e.”<\/p>\n

“I was with Maggie tonight?”\u00a0 It didn’t sound even vaguely familiar.<\/p>\n

“She’s out in the waiting room,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “Has been for the past two hours, ever since you were brought in here.”<\/p>\n

“But-what happened?\u00a0 Where’s my shirt?”\u00a0 Joe suddenly became aware that he was cold.\u00a0 He reached under the sheet that covered him.\u00a0 “Where are my pants?”\u00a0 Even he could hear the panic in his voice.<\/p>\n

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “We didn’t know what was going on when you came in.\u00a0 I owe you a shirt.\u00a0 The rest of your clothes are on the chair.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean, you owe me a shirt?\u00a0 What happened to my shirt?”<\/p>\n

“We had to get it off you pretty quickly,” said the doctor simply.<\/p>\n

“Why?\u00a0 What happened?\u00a0 What’s going on?”\u00a0 His voice was climbing the scale.<\/p>\n

“Okay, just settle down,” said his father.\u00a0 “The most important thing now is for you to take it easy.”\u00a0 He looked to the doctor for confirmation, and Doc nodded.\u00a0 “Doc’s here, and I’m here, and your brothers are in the waiting room.\u00a0 You just rest now.”<\/p>\n

“But what happened?\u00a0 Why am I here?”\u00a0 He started to sit up, and his father and the doctor pushed him back down.<\/p>\n

“If you try to get up one more time, I’m going to tie you down,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “Now, listen to me carefully.\u00a0 I’m not sure exactly what happened tonight.\u00a0 Until I am, you’re not moving from that bed.\u00a0 You’re not even sitting up.\u00a0 And I have no problem with the idea of tying you down if I have to.\u00a0 Are we clear?”<\/p>\n

Joe’s eyes were wide.\u00a0 “Pa?”\u00a0 He reached out again to his father.\u00a0 “What happened?”<\/p>\n

Ben took his son’s hand and sat on the edge of the bed.\u00a0 “From what Miss Donaldson says, you collapsed while the two of you were having dinner.\u00a0 It doesn’t seem to have been anything you ate, so Doc needs to find out what happened.”<\/p>\n

Joe searched his father’s face carefully.\u00a0 “What else?” he asked finally.<\/p>\n

“Nothing–” began Ben.<\/p>\n

“What else?” Joe interrupted.\u00a0 “There’s something else.\u00a0 Otherwise, I’d have been on my way home two hours ago.”<\/p>\n

The doctor laid a hand on Joe’s forehead.\u00a0 “You’re cooler now,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Cooler than when?”<\/p>\n

“When you came in,” said Doc.<\/p>\n

“Are you going to tell me what happened, or are we going to sit here all night?”<\/p>\n

“Joseph,” remonstrated Ben.<\/p>\n

“Sorry, Doc,” muttered Joe.\u00a0 “I want to know what happened.”\u00a0 The doctor and Ben exchanged looks.\u00a0 “I’m the patient,” Joe snapped.\u00a0 When they said nothing, the conclusion suddenly clicked into place.\u00a0 “It’s my heart, isn’t it?\u00a0 Something happened with my heart.”<\/p>\n

The doctor sat down on the other side of the bed.\u00a0 “It seems to be,” he said quietly.\u00a0 “According to Miss Donaldson, you were having dinner when you began to sweat.\u00a0 You told her that you were going to step outside for some air.\u00a0 You stood up, grabbed at your chest, and passed out.”<\/p>\n

“What about my shirt?”<\/p>\n

“Shortly after they brought you in, you stopped breathing,” said the doctor.\u00a0 Ben tightened his grip on Joe’s hand.\u00a0 “I had to get your shirt off fast to listen to your chest. \u00a0There wasn’t time to fuss with buttons.”<\/p>\n

“But obviously, I started breathing again,” said Joe, trying to reassure his father as well as himself.<\/p>\n

“Obviously,” agreed the doctor.\u00a0 He put the stethoscope to Joe’s chest and listened again.<\/p>\n

“You just did that,” said Joe.\u00a0 The doctor held up a hand for him to be quiet.\u00a0 When he sat back, Joe repeated, “You just listened a couple minutes ago.”<\/p>\n

“I know,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “And I’ve been listening every couple of minutes for the past two hours, and I’m going to keep doing it all night.”<\/p>\n

“Are you planning to come back to the ranch with us?” asked Joe.<\/p>\n

“Didn’t you hear me before when I said you weren’t getting out of this bed?” asked the doctor.\u00a0 “You’re not going back to the Ponderosa tonight.\u00a0 Depending on how things go, you may not be back there for several days.”<\/p>\n

“But I feel fine,” protested Joe.\u00a0 “A little tired–and I’m cold, I’d like some clothes–but I’m fine.” \u00a0He wasn’t about to mention that it was still hard to breathe; he figured that they could probably hear that for themselves, and if they couldn’t–well, he’d just keep that to himself, and maybe he could get home a little sooner.<\/p>\n

“We’ll get you some pajamas in a little while,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “And I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling fine, but you’re not going anywhere, so you might as well get used to the idea.”<\/p>\n

“What if I promise to take it easy when I get home?” Joe suggested.<\/p>\n

“This is not a negotiation,” said the doctor as he and Ben spread a blanket on top of the sheet covering Joe.\u00a0 “You’re not leaving that bed for any reason.\u00a0 And you’re not going to be left alone, either, so don’t get any ideas about getting up when I leave the room.”<\/p>\n

“What do you mean, I’m not gonna be left alone?”\u00a0 He was getting truly irritated now, and his breathing was beginning to get harsh and rapid again.<\/p>\n

“Slow down, now,” said Doc.\u00a0 “Breathe on my count.”\u00a0 As before, he counted four beats in, four beats out, until Joe’s breathing had lightened.\u00a0 He listened to Joe’s chest again and sat back.\u00a0 “You need to rest,” he said.\u00a0 “There’ll be somebody with you all night, so you don’t need to worry about anything.\u00a0 Just close your eyes and rest, that’s all.”<\/p>\n

But Joe didn’t close his eyes.\u00a0 He looked from his father to the doctor, and he saw the same look on both men’s faces.\u00a0 “Am I dying?” he asked.\u00a0 His father caught his breath quickly, and the doctor glanced at him.<\/p>\n

“As I told you before, I’m not sure what’s going on, and that’s the truth,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “I’m not trying to keep anything from you,” he added.\u00a0 “If there’s something I feel you should know, I’ll tell you, I promise.\u00a0 But I need for you trust me now.\u00a0 I need to be able to try to figure out what’s going on without worrying that I’m going to make it worse by upsetting you.\u00a0 So, here’s the deal.\u00a0 I’ll tell you whatever you need to know, and you’ll trust me to decide what that is and when you should know it.”<\/p>\n

“And whatever you tell Pa, you tell me,” Joe finished.\u00a0 Ben and the doctor exchanged another glance.\u00a0 “Which, I guess, means we have some catching up to do.”<\/p>\n

“There’s already been a lot of catching up going on this evening,” said his father dryly.\u00a0 “Miss Donaldson also told us what happened that day she was out at the ranch.\u00a0 How long have you been having this kind of trouble?”<\/p>\n

“Ben,” chided the doctor.\u00a0 He knew how upset Ben was to find that Joe had been withholding information–and in case he hadn’t, Ben had made his feelings quite clear–but this wasn’t the time to address that.\u00a0 “We’ll talk about everything later.\u00a0 For now, Joe needs to rest.”\u00a0 He turned to his patient.\u00a0 “Are you warm enough, or do you want another blanket?”<\/p>\n

“If I’m not going to get anything to wear, then I’ll take another blanket,” said Joe.\u00a0 He had a pretty good idea by now as to why nobody was rushing to give him clothes–it was one more way to keep him in bed.\u00a0 When the doctor obliged by producing another blanket instead of pajamas, he knew he was right.<\/p>\n

A thought occurred to Joe.\u00a0 “Did you say Maggie was out there?”<\/p>\n

Ben nodded.\u00a0 “She’s been there ever since you were brought in,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Poor girl,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Did she ever get anything to eat?”<\/p>\n

“I don’t know,” said Ben.\u00a0 “But don’t worry.\u00a0 Your brothers will see to it that she’s taken care of.”<\/p>\n

“Just as long as they don’t take too good care of her,” Joe grumbled.\u00a0 His breathing started to roughen, and he closed his eyes, focusing on counting.\u00a0 When he opened them, he saw his father’s face, lined with concern.\u00a0 “Can I see her for a minute?\u00a0 I just want to tell her I’m sorry about tonight.”<\/p>\n

“No,” said Ben and the doctor in unison.\u00a0 They looked at each other, and Ben nodded to the doctor to go first.<\/p>\n

“You’re going to rest, not charm the ladies,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “Last thing we need in here is some gorgeous young girl who makes your heart beat faster.”\u00a0 Joe chuckled, but the doctor’s wry grin left no question that he meant what he said.<\/p>\n

“Not to mention, you’re not exactly dressed to see Miss Donaldson,” added his father.\u00a0 Joe forced himself not to look away or change his expression, lest his father have an inkling that he had ever entertained the notion of someday spending time with Maggie in just such a state of undress.\u00a0 “I’ll convey your apologies for you,” Ben added, a bit more sternly than he intended; he knew precisely what was in his son’s head.\u00a0 He didn’t approve of such goings on between unmarried people in any event, but he was suddenly grateful that they’d only been at dinner, rather than engaging in–well, some other activity, when Joe collapsed.<\/p>\n

A light tap on the door, and Rose Martin poked her head in.\u00a0 “Paul, I need you for a minute, please.”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” he said.\u00a0 “Ben, you’ll stay here until I get back?”\u00a0 It wasn’t quite a question, but Ben nodded.<\/p>\n

After the door closed behind the doctor, Joe caught his father’s hand again, pulling him to sit back down on the bed.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, Pa,” he said.\u00a0 “I should have told you.\u00a0 I just didn’t want you to worry.”<\/p>\n

“Don’t you fret about that now,” said Ben, brushing back his son’s hair with his free hand.\u00a0 “The important thing is for you to rest.”<\/p>\n

“Pa, what’s going on?” Joe asked.\u00a0 There was none of the attitude he’d shown with the doctor.\u00a0 Alone with his father, he allowed a tiny little bit of his fear to show.<\/p>\n

Ben squeezed his son’s hand.\u00a0 “Doc’s telling you the truth,” he said, rubbing the back of Joe’s hand with his thumb.\u00a0 “We really don’t know.\u00a0 There’s something happening with your heart, and we don’t know what or why.\u00a0 From what he says, it’s part of why you’re having some trouble breathing, and it’s why you need to rest and not get upset.”<\/p>\n

“And it’s why he won’t let me be alone,” said Joe.\u00a0\u00a0In case I stop breathing again.<\/em>\u00a0 When Ben nodded, Joe involuntarily clutched his father’s hand.\u00a0 “Am I going to die?” he asked again, and he couldn’t quite keep his voice steady.<\/p>\n

Ben stroked his son’s pale cheek.\u00a0 “You’re doing much better now than when you were brought in,” he said.\u00a0 “That’s a good sign right there.”<\/p>\n

“But-”\u00a0 Joe couldn’t make himself ask the question a third time, but his father knew.<\/p>\n

“Not if I can help it,” Ben whispered.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“How much longer am I going to be here?” asked Joe.\u00a0 It was his eighth day in Doc Martin’s clinic, and he hadn’t once been allowed out of bed.\u00a0 To say he was getting restless was an understatement.\u00a0 The only thing keeping him under control at this point was his own fear.<\/p>\n

Because Joe Cartwright was no fool.\u00a0 He’d spent the better part of the first three days with the doctor listening to his chest every few minutes, and now, Doc still listened several times an hour.\u00a0 Joe literally hadn’t been left alone for a moment since coming in the door.\u00a0 His breathing still felt shallow and fast, and even with the medicine, it still didn’t take much to get it rough and ragged.\u00a0 Just the littlest bit of excitement or stress could make breathing difficult.<\/p>\n

The doctor finished listening to the young man’s chest and sat back.\u00a0 “Where’s your pa?” he asked, apparently a propos of nothing.<\/p>\n

“Went over to the hotel to get some breakfast,” said Joe warily.\u00a0 “Why?\u00a0 Whatever you need to tell him, you can tell me.”<\/p>\n

Doc Martin appraised his patient.\u00a0 Nobody–not Joe, not his father, not his brothers–would want to hear what he had to say.\u00a0 Still, the boy might take it better if his father were present.<\/p>\n

“I’d like to talk to the two of you together,” said Doc, rising.\u00a0 “There are some things we need to discuss.”<\/p>\n

“How much longer until I can get up?”<\/p>\n

Doc nodded.\u00a0 “That’s one of the things we need to discuss,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Doc, I’m fine,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I’m breathing almost regular now.\u00a0 Everything’s fine, I can go home.”<\/p>\n

“We’ll talk about that when your pa gets back,” said Doc.\u00a0 “In the meantime, I want you to get some sleep.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not tired!” Joe objected.\u00a0 “I just woke up.”<\/p>\n

“I know that.\u00a0I also know what kind of a night you had,” the doctor reminded him.\u00a0 Joe had had a couple of rough breathing spells that even the medicine hadn’t helped, and it had taken some time to get them smoothed out.\u00a0 “Your pa probably won’t be back for an hour or so, and you need to rest.\u00a0 We’ll all talk when he gets back.”\u00a0 He administered Joe’s various medicines, tucked the blankets around his patient’s shoulders and called for Rose to come and watch their patient.<\/p>\n

Despite his protests, Joe dozed off in a matter of minutes.\u00a0 He awoke some time later to low voices in the outer room.\u00a0 “Mrs.\u00a0Martin, is my pa out there?”\u00a0 His voice was weaker than he’d expected.<\/p>\n

“I think so,” said Rose, knitting busily.\u00a0 “I’ll tell them to keep it down.”<\/p>\n

“No, send him in, please,” said Joe.\u00a0 He tried to ape Adam’s strong baritone, without success.\u00a0 “We’re all supposed to . . . talk when he gets back . . . Pa, me and the doctor.”\u00a0 Breathing was harder now than it had been earlier, and he could only manage short phrases without taking a breath.\u00a0 He tried to pace his breathing, but it was still rougher than normal, like that chestnut mare who was only greenbroke.<\/p>\n

Rose Martin frowned slightly, but she disclosed no other reaction as she reached over and laid an experienced hand on Joe’s brow.\u00a0 “Nice and cool,” she said.\u00a0 “Good for you.\u00a0 I’ll see if I can get those two scoundrels in here.”\u00a0 She set down her knitting and moved to the door with surprising grace for one so round.\u00a0 “Paul!\u00a0 Ben!\u00a0 Joe’s waiting for you!”<\/p>\n

The voices in the outer room stopped abruptly, as if guilty at being overheard.\u00a0 Joe heard them talking more quietly for a minute before the two older men entered the room.\u00a0 Joe dug deep to muster a tired smile for his father, but it faded as he saw Ben’s face.<\/p>\n

“What’s the matter?”\u00a0 His eyes darted from one man to the other.\u00a0 “I’m getting better, so . . . what’s wrong?”\u00a0 His chest was starting to heave, as if he’d been running.<\/p>\n

Ben settled himself on the side of the bed.\u00a0 Stroking Joe’s hair, he began, “Son, Doc’s concerned about what happened to you.”<\/p>\n

“I know that,” Joe interrupted.\u00a0 “I ain’t been out of this . . . bed in over a week.”\u00a0 He knew that his rising agitation wasn’t helping him breathe, and he tried to fight it down.<\/p>\n

“Easy, now, Joe,” said the doctor, pulling up a chair on the other side of the bed.\u00a0 “Breathe on my count.”\u00a0 He watched his patient intently as he counted aloud.\u00a0 When the young man’s breathing had slowed enough, he sat back, saying, “Thing is, Joe, you’re going to be laid up for quite a while yet.\u00a0 It’s been eight days since your attack, and your heartbeat is still irregular, much more than it was before.\u00a0 Plus, obviously, you’re still having problems breathing.\u00a0 Your pa and I have talked about when you’ll be able to go home, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to be any time soon.”<\/p>\n

“What are you talking about?\u00a0 Why can’t I go home? \u00a0I can stay in bed just as well . . . there as I can here.”\u00a0 Joe’s eyes beseeched his father for help even as his panting increased.<\/p>\n

“I wish I could let you go home,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “You’re just not ready.\u00a0 You still need to be watched twenty-four hours a day.”<\/p>\n

“Paul, I told you, we can do that–” Ben began.<\/p>\n

“Ben, it’s too risky,” continued the doctor.\u00a0 He turned from Ben to Joe.\u00a0 “If something happens here, I’m here, and all the equipment and medicines are here.\u00a0 If you’re at the Ponderosa, it’s luck of the draw whether I’ll be nearby when something happens, and the only equipment and medicine I have are what fit in my bag.\u00a0 And if the snows come early, I might not be able to get there at all.\u00a0 No, at this point, the safest thing is for Joe to stay right here.”<\/p>\n

Joe looked from the doctor to his father.\u00a0 He was trying his best to remain calm, but he could feel his efforts breaking down.\u00a0 Unconsciously, he began to rub his chest.\u00a0 “How long do you think I’ll . . . need to stay here?” he asked.\u00a0 He was working harder for the breath to get those words out than even just an hour ago, and he could tell from Doc Martin’s expression that he knew it.<\/p>\n

“Are you having any pain in your chest right now?”\u00a0 The doctor’s blue eyes were sharp.<\/p>\n

Joe started to say he was fine, but the pain grew sharper.\u00a0 “Some,” he admitted.\u00a0 He saw his father reach for his hand as the pain increased, and then the world went black.<\/p>\n

When he opened his eyes, his window revealed only the last wisps of the sunset.\u00a0 Doc Martin was listening to his chest.\u00a0 “How’s it sound?” he managed.<\/p>\n

The doctor’s head jerked up.\u00a0 “Well, young man, you gave us all quite a scare that time,” he said casually.\u00a0 “How do you feel?\u00a0 Any pain at all, anywhere?”<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head without lifting it from the pillow.\u00a0 “My chest aches,” he said.\u00a0 “Like I pulled all the . . . muscles or something.\u00a0 What happened?”<\/p>\n

“Can’t say for sure, but it looks like you probably had another attack,” said the doctor.<\/p>\n

“But I haven’t done anything!”\u00a0 the young man insisted. \u00a0He started to try to sit up, but the doctor pushed him back.<\/p>\n

“Okay, now, just be quiet, Joe,” said the doctor, holding him down.<\/p>\n

“Where’s Pa?”\u00a0 Joe was growing more agitated.<\/p>\n

“Easy, now,” said Doc Martin.\u00a0 “Your pa’s been here all day.\u00a0 He just stepped out for a minute.\u00a0 He’ll be right back.”<\/p>\n

“Where is he?” Joe demanded.<\/p>\n

“I’ll get your pa, but not until you’ve settled down some,” said Doc.<\/p>\n

“I need to see Pa,” insisted Joe wildly.\u00a0 “Let me see him!”<\/p>\n

“Joe, calm down,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “You’re all right.\u00a0 Just take it easy.\u00a0 Slow, deep breaths.\u00a0 Come on, count with me.\u00a0 In, two, three, four.\u00a0 Out, two, three, four.\u00a0 That’s it.\u00a0 Again.\u00a0 In, two, three, four.\u00a0 Out, two, three, four.”\u00a0 He repeated the count several times, and almost against his will, Joe began to quiet down, and he stopped struggling.\u00a0 “That’s better,” said Doc at last.\u00a0 He put the stethoscope into his ears and listened again to Joe’s heart.\u00a0 The beat was even worse than when Joe had first come in eight days earlier, sluggish and irregular, but Doc Martin had long experience at keeping his expression impassive.\u00a0 After a minute, he sat back, calling, “Rose!”\u00a0 When his wife appeared in the doorway, he said, “Will you stay with Joe a minute?”<\/p>\n

“You’re gonna talk to Pa?” Joe asked, his eyes fearful.<\/p>\n

“We’ll be right back,” said the doctor, smoothly avoiding the question.\u00a0 He slipped past his wife and out the door, where he nearly ran headlong into Ben on his way back in from the privy.\u00a0 The doctor gestured for Ben to follow him, and they walked without speaking to the other end of the office.<\/p>\n

“What is it, Paul?\u00a0 Is he all right?” Ben burst out as soon as the door was closed.<\/p>\n

“He’s awake, but it looks like he had another attack,” said Doc bluntly.\u00a0 “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Ben.\u00a0 How long can the Ponderosa spare you?”<\/p>\n

“As long as necessary.\u00a0 Why?”<\/p>\n

“I need you,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “He can’t get excited, and I can only do so much to calm him.\u00a0 I need for you to stay with him as much as you can until we’re through this.”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Is he going to be all right?”<\/p>\n

The doctor met Ben’s gaze squarely.\u00a0 “I don’t know,” he admitted.<\/p>\n

“But if you had to guess–”<\/p>\n

“It doesn’t look good,” said Doc grimly.<\/p>\n

“Then let’s back in there,” said Ben.\u00a0 Instinctively, he assumed the role of the fighter, the one who had always defended his land and his family against all who would do them harm.\u00a0 Only this time, the enemy was not one that he could see or could shoot.\u00a0 This time, he had no idea how to win the battle.\u00a0 He only knew that he had to start with what he had:\u00a0 a father’s love.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The days blurred together.\u00a0 Adam, Hoss and Hop Sing took turns spelling Ben at Joe’s bedside, all making sure that there was always a family member next to the young man.\u00a0 Ben tried not to think of how the Ponderosa was limping along in their absence.\u00a0 There was simply no choice about where they needed to be.\u00a0 Adam, Hoss and Hop Sing rode miles back and forth to the ranch each day to keep things going as much as they could, with Ben taking the lion’s share of the time with Joe.<\/p>\n

One morning, as Hoss came in to relieve Ben, Joe said, “You look like something the cat dragged in, Big Brother.\u00a0 Don’t you ever sleep anymore?”\u00a0 His voice was still weaker than normal, and still, he often drew breath in the middle of a phrase, but gradually, he was sounding more like the old Joe.<\/p>\n

“Sure, I do,” said Hoss heartily.\u00a0 “Jest this morning, I slept on the way into town.\u00a0 Ol’ Chubby knows the road so well he don’t even need me to tell him where to go.”\u00a0 He chuckled at his own joke, but Joe didn’t join in.<\/p>\n

“This is nuts,” he said.\u00a0 “You’ve all been turnin’ yourselves . . . inside out to be here.\u00a0 I appreciate it, I really do . . . but you all need a break.\u00a0 Mrs.\u00a0Martin . . . can watch out for a while.\u00a0 Or . . .\u00a0maybe Maggie can come by.”\u00a0 Maggie Donaldson had stopped in to sit with Joe on several occasions since their aborted dinner date. \u00a0The additional assistance was so desperately needed that, reluctantly, Ben turned a blind eye to the obvious impropriety of an unmarried woman visiting his son’s bedside.<\/p>\n

“You trying to get rid of us?” Ben teased, but the fatigue in his eyes was too obvious.<\/p>\n

“I’m trying to make sure you all . . . survive until I get home,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Besides, Maggie’s a whole lot . . . prettier than Hoss.”<\/p>\n

“That’s not saying much,” opined Adam from the doorway.\u00a0 “The kid has a point, Pa,” he added.\u00a0 “You look like you could use a break.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you very much, son,” said Ben.\u00a0 “And, of course, you always look fresh as a spring meadow when you’ve been up all night.”<\/p>\n

“That’s what I’m saying,” said Joe.\u00a0 “None of you needs to . . . be up all night.\u00a0 Doc and Mrs.\u00a0Martin . . . can log some of that time.”<\/p>\n

“Joseph, the decision has already been made,” said Ben firmly.\u00a0 Granted, he felt more comfortable with the idea now than he would have two weeks ago, but the truth was that Joe wasn’t out of the woods yet, and Ben was still unwilling to leave him without family beside him. \u00a0Not even in the depths of his heart would he admit the true reason:\u00a0 God forbid the worst were to happen, there should be family by the boy’s side.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

The candles on the Christmas tree burned brightly as the carols rang through the room.\u00a0 It had taken all Joe’s powers of persuasion to sell his father on the notion that sitting up at the piano took no more energy than lying on the settee.\u00a0 “Just for a little while,” Ben said finally.\u00a0 He wasn’t about to let on that Joe’s words hadn’t convinced him at all; he’d just seen the young man cast one too many longing looks across the room to where the piano stood.\u00a0 So, finally, he’d agreed.<\/p>\n

He felt a bittersweet joy as he watched his son’s delight.\u00a0 There was a light that shone when Joe played that just wasn’t there any other time.\u00a0 It had been weeks since the young man had touched a piano-not since the day of his first attack.\u00a0 Ben knew that, given his druthers, the doctor would have kept Joe at the clinic at least through the holidays, if not through the winter.\u00a0 Joe, of course, had been equally adamant that he wanted to go home.\u00a0 The decision had been a struggle for Ben, but seeing his sons gathered around the piano, laughing and singing, he was certain they’d made the right decision in bringing Joe home for Christmas.\u00a0Maybe his last one,<\/em>\u00a0he thought before he could stop himself.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head to rid himself of such a notion.\u00a0 Joe would be fine.\u00a0 He had to be.\u00a0 Ben still prayed daily for his son’s healing, even though the doctor had told him that Joe’s heart was severely damaged and would likely never improve much.<\/p>\n

“You may have to be satisfied with having more time with him,” Doc said gently.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“Miracles happen,” said Ben stubbornly.<\/em><\/p>\n

“It’s a miracle he survived that last attack,” the doctor said.\u00a0 “I don’t know how many miracles one man gets, but that was a big one, right there.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’m not going to stop asking for more,” said Ben.<\/em><\/p>\n

The doctor sighed.\u00a0 He was a man of science, and science did not allow for miracles.\u00a0 There were things that happened that couldn’t be explained, but when a heart was damaged as badly as Little Joe Cartwright’s–well, that kind of miracle just wasn’t around any more.\u00a0 All they had now was medicine, and for Joe, that likely wasn’t going to be enough.\u00a0 Not forever, anyway.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben crossed the room and laid a hand on Joe’s shoulder. \u00a0It had already been a long day.\u00a0 Maggie and Jacob had joined them for Christmas dinner, after which Jacob had been persuaded to take a nap only after hearing that Joe would be doing the same.\u00a0 The little boy had curled up next to the young man, and they’d slept most of the afternoon.\u00a0 Even so, only an hour after their guests had departed, Joe already looked pale and tired, and Ben’s voice caught in his throat when he tried to join in the singing.\u00a0 “All right, that’s enough,” he said instead at the end of “Silent Night.”<\/p>\n

“Just one more, Pa?\u00a0 Pleeeeease?” Joe did his best imitation of his seven-year-old self begging to stay up a little later, and Ben had to look away as sudden tears threatened.<\/p>\n

“It’s the settee or your bed, young man!”\u00a0 He managed to sound gruff and joking, as if it was all in good fun, but something in his voice must have betrayed him, because no one laughed, and when Hoss went to lift Joe to carry him back to the settee, Joe didn’t even argue that he could walk that distance just fine.<\/p>\n

Once Joe was settled in on the settee, Hop Sing brought out the coffee, and they relaxed, reminiscing about Christmases past.\u00a0 Hoss plopped himself down on the end of the settee, with Joe’s feet resting in his lap.\u00a0 Adam settled into the blue velvet chair, and Ben drew his leather chair closer to the settee.<\/p>\n

After a while, as Ben was about to declare the evening finished, Joe said, “Did I ever tell you that Robin wanted us to come back to the Ponderosa for Christmas?”<\/p>\n

“No, you didn’t,” said Ben.\u00a0 “When was this?”<\/p>\n

“She came up with the idea in the spring, about six or seven months after we got to San Francisco,” said Joe.\u00a0 “She figured that, by Christmas, I’d be over twenty-one, so it would be all right to let everybody know where we were, because nobody could do anything about our marriage.”<\/p>\n

“Pretty clever,” mused Adam.<\/p>\n

“She was sharp, all right,” said Joe.\u00a0 “But she thought of this before–well, before she was going to have a baby.\u00a0 Once we knew that, we decided to push the trip off until spring.\u00a0 And then–well, she died in September, so we never made it.”\u00a0 His gaze turned inward, remembering.<\/p>\n

“Why did she want to come here for Christmas?” asked Hoss.\u00a0 “I mean, considering ever’thing–” he broke off awkwardly.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled.\u00a0 “Because she wanted so much for Pa and me to make up,” he said.\u00a0 “She figured nobody stays mad over Christmas.\u00a0 And then, when it turned out she was going to have a baby, she just said we’d wait until spring, when the baby was old enough to make the trip.”\u00a0 Reflectively, he said, “She wanted so much to be able to bring our baby here.\u00a0 She wanted Pa to hold his grandchild.”\u00a0 His voice trailed off, remembering.<\/p>\n

“Why was it so important to her that you and Pa make up?”\u00a0 Adam found himself curious about this woman he’d heard so much about, but never actually met.<\/p>\n

“Because she knew how important it was to me,” Joe said.\u00a0 “That was all the reason she ever needed to do anything.\u00a0 If it was important to me, that was good enough for her.”\u00a0 He fell silent for a minute.\u00a0 Then, he mustered up a stronger, more casual tone.\u00a0 “And the same thing was true for me.\u00a0 That’s how we ended up in San Francisco in the first place–I didn’t care where we went, as long as we were together, but she wanted to go there and be a singer.\u00a0 So, we went.”<\/p>\n

“And you turned out to be a piano player,” said Adam lightly, in an attempt to cover their father’s silence.\u00a0 “Who’d have thought it?”<\/p>\n

“Not me, that’s for sure,” said Joe, matching Adam’s tone and efforts.\u00a0 When Ben didn’t smile, he reached over and laid a hand on his father’s arm.\u00a0 After a minute, Ben looked up at his youngest son and forced a smile.<\/p>\n

“Sounds as if she was a remarkable woman, son,” he said quietly.\u00a0 “I’m sorry I never met her.”<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “So am I.”<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
“So?\u00a0 How does it sound?”<\/strong>\u00a0 Joe watched the doctor’s face for the slightest change of expression.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Doc sat back on the edge of the bed.\u00a0 “About the same,” he said heavily.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
“But I’ve been resting and taking it easy, and doing just what you said,” protested Joe, as if this evidence of his uncharacteristic compliance would change the doctor’s opinion.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
“That’s good to know,” said Doc Martin.\u00a0 “You’re no worse, and that’s important.\u00a0 For now, I want you to keep doing what you’ve been doing.”<\/div>\n

“You mean, nothing at all,” said Joe bitterly.<\/p>\n

“I mean, letting your body heal as much as it can,” said the doctor.\u00a0 They’d been over this time and again, but the boy had always been stubborn, and some things never changed.<\/p>\n

“How long until I can go back to a normal life?”\u00a0 It had been nearly two months since Joe had come home, and he hadn’t been allowed to walk any farther from his bed than the top of the stairs.\u00a0 His family gathered in his room in the evenings to talk over the day, bringing him tales of the world outside.\u00a0 As the weeks passed, though, he felt more and more as if they were telling of journeys to a foreign land that he had once visited, but would never see again.<\/p>\n

“That depends on what you mean by \u2018normal’,” said Doc Martin.\u00a0 Joe saw a shadow cross the doctor’s face, and he knew that the time had come for the bad news.<\/p>\n

Unconsciously, he prepared for the fight.\u00a0 His chin jutted out as he said, “A normal life.\u00a0 My life, before this happened.\u00a0 Working, riding, playing the piano-normal life.”<\/p>\n

“You can play the piano now, as long as you don’t overdo it,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “A few more weeks, and hopefully, you’ll be strong enough to ride some.\u00a0 I don’t want you lifting anything as heavy as a saddle, but I’d say you can eventually work up to an hour or so on horseback.”<\/p>\n

“An hour?\u00a0 That doesn’t even get me into town!”<\/p>\n

“No, it doesn’t,” agreed the doctor.<\/p>\n

“And what about working?”<\/p>\n

The doctor appraised the young man.\u00a0 He’d delivered Joe Cartwright, and he’d seen him through any number of illness and injuries.\u00a0 Remarkably, the boy had always come through unscathed.\u00a0 Even the bout of pneumonia he’d had at fourteen had left him with no sign of weakness in his lungs.\u00a0 But now .\u00a0.\u00a0. Doc Martin would have given just about anything to be able to tell Joe that he’d beaten the odds once more.<\/p>\n

But this time, the house was holding all the cards.<\/p>\n

“You’re done with ranching,” Doc said, reaching deep into his personal reserves for a calm, professional demeanor.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, Joe, but it’s just too much for your heart.\u00a0 You’re never going to get back to where you were before all this happened.\u00a0 If you try, you’re going to kill yourself.”<\/p>\n

The boy’s face went as white as the pillowcase.\u00a0 He shook his head.\u00a0 “No,” he whispered.\u00a0 “You’re wrong.\u00a0 You’re lying to me.\u00a0 It’s not true.”<\/p>\n

“I wish I were wrong, Joe,” Doc said.\u00a0 “I wish to God there was a way to make your heart strong enough that you could go back to the broncs and the cattle, but medical science just isn’t there.\u00a0 I’m sorry.”<\/p>\n

“No.”\u00a0 Joe was trembling.\u00a0 His voice rose as he insisted, “No, it’s not true.\u00a0 You’re wrong.\u00a0 You don’t know what you’re talking about.\u00a0 I’m fine.\u00a0 I can do whatever I want.\u00a0 I’m fine.\u00a0 Nothing’s going to kill me.\u00a0 I’m just like I was.\u00a0 You’re wrong.\u00a0 I’m fine!”<\/p>\n

“Joe, take it easy–”\u00a0 The doctor started to lay a hand on his arm, but Joe pushed him away.<\/p>\n

“Get out of here!” he snapped.\u00a0 “You don’t know what you’re talking about.\u00a0 Get out!”<\/p>\n

“Joe, I know this is hard,” said Doc in a soothing voice.\u00a0 “You don’t need to make any decisions right now.\u00a0 Eventually, though, you’ll need to start thinking about what else you can do that isn’t going to be as strenuous.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t need to do anything else,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I’m a rancher.\u00a0 That’s what I do.\u00a0 I’m part of the Ponderosa.\u00a0 It’s who I am.\u00a0 I break broncs and herd cattle and do branding and–”\u00a0 He broke off.<\/p>\n

Because for the first time in his life, he saw tears in Doc Martin’s pale blue eyes.<\/p>\n

And in that moment, he knew the truth.<\/p>\n

“Oh, God,” he whispered.<\/p>\n

“I’m so sorry, Joe,” said the doctor quietly.\u00a0 For a few minutes, he sat without speaking, his hand resting on Joe’s arm as the young man struggled mightily for control.<\/p>\n

“Have you told my father?” his patient asked finally.\u00a0 Tears glistened, but his voice was quieter.<\/p>\n

“Not yet,” said Doc.\u00a0 He took a moment to listen to Joe’s heart again, more to reassure himself than for any other reason.<\/p>\n

“Thank you for that,” said Joe with all the dignity he could muster.\u00a0 “Don’t say anything.\u00a0 I want to tell him myself.”\u00a0 His voice broke on the last word, but the doctor gave no sign that he noticed.<\/p>\n

“Are you sure?”\u00a0 he asked instead.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “But not yet.\u00a0 Not until–not yet.”<\/p>\n

“That’s up to you,” said the doctor.\u00a0 And for several minutes, the only sounds in the room were the faint calls of normal ranch life, outside the closed window.<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Joe said at last, without looking up.<\/p>\n

“Joe, I–” the doctor began.<\/p>\n

“Please go,” said Joe.\u00a0 “And tell them-tell them I’m sleeping or something.\u00a0 Whatever you have to tell them.\u00a0 I just–I don’t feel like seeing anybody right now.”\u00a0 His shoulders were shaking, and he was holding himself together only by a mighty effort.<\/p>\n

With any other patient, Doc would have done as he was asked. \u00a0Even in a small town like Virginia City, that was what a doctor did.<\/p>\n

But this wasn’t just any patient.<\/p>\n

Little Joe was one of the first babies he’d ever delivered.\u00a0 He’d closed the eyes of Joe’s mother, and he’d watched the little boy cling to his father’s hand at her graveside.\u00a0 When the boy was seventeen and in love with the notorious Julia Bulette, the unlikely pair had labored with the doctor, day and night, as they fought the epidemic of fever that had swept the mines.\u00a0 Doc Martin seen this family through countless vigils, often at the bedside of this young man, and he’d always believed that somehow, their love would carry them through anything.<\/p>\n

Joe Cartwright wasn’t just any patient.<\/p>\n

And so, instead of doing the professional thing and leaving as requested, the doctor gathered the young man into his arms and held him close.<\/p>\n

And together, they wept.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Where’s Joe?”\u00a0 Disappointment showed on Hoss’s round face as his father descended the stairs alone.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “He said he’s tired,” he said wearily.\u00a0 “I told him I’ll bring something up for him in a little while.”<\/p>\n

Adam watched his father carefully.\u00a0 “Any idea what’s going on?”<\/p>\n

“None,” admitted Ben.\u00a0 “He just says he’s tired, he’s not hungry, there’s nothing to talk about, we shouldn’t worry, he’s fine–”<\/p>\n

“–the usual,” Adam finished.<\/p>\n

“But, Pa!\u00a0 Jest last week, he was chompin’ at the bit to get out of that room, and now he don’t even wanna get out of bed-that don’t sound right!”\u00a0 Hoss’s brow furrowed as he spread his napkin in his lap.<\/p>\n

“I agree,” said Ben heavily as he took his place at the table.<\/p>\n

“What did Doc say?” asked Adam, taking up his fork.<\/p>\n

“Very little,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Mainly, that there was nothing he could tell me.”<\/p>\n

“That’s strange,” said Adam.\u00a0 “Is he saying he doesn’t know anything or that he’s not allowed to say what he knows?”<\/p>\n

“He won’t say, but I’m starting to suspect the second,” said Ben.\u00a0 “Ever since that day when Doc was up there for so long, Joe hasn’t been the same–and I, for one, am getting worried.”\u00a0 Even though Joe’s last bout with depression had been nearly two years ago, the memories were still too vivid for comfort.<\/p>\n

“Now, don’t you fret, Pa,” said Hoss in an obvious effort to downplay his concern of a moment earlier.\u00a0 “Doc’s been here every day.\u00a0 If there was somethin’ wrong, he’d know about it.”\u00a0 He jabbed his fork into a steak and dropped it on his plate.<\/p>\n

“Maybe he does know, and maybe that’s why he’s here every day,” suggested Adam as he reached for the string beans.<\/p>\n

Ben said nothing as he spooned boiled potatoes onto his plate.\u00a0 The doctor was keeping something from him; that much was certain.\u00a0 What, and why–those were the questions, and he was going to get some answers.<\/p>\n

Hours later, Ben found himself sitting up in bed, all his senses alert, but with no idea what had wakened him.\u00a0 He listened.\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 He heard no sound but his own movements as he rose and reached for his dressing gown, putting it on as he fumbled for his slippers.\u00a0 In the doorway, he paused and listened again.\u00a0 Still nothing.<\/p>\n

He checked Adam’s room and Hoss’s.\u00a0 As he expected, both sons were asleep.\u00a0 At Joe’s doorway, he hesitated.\u00a0 Hearing nothing, he pushed open the door.<\/p>\n

The bed was empty.<\/p>\n

He closed his eyes for a second, and then headed for the stairs.\u00a0 At the top, he stopped, his heart in his throat.<\/p>\n

Below him, in the main room, Joe sat on the settee, elbows on his knees and forehead resting on his fists.\u00a0 In front of him on the table was the bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet.<\/p>\n

“Joseph,” Ben said quietly, coming down the stairs.<\/p>\n

Joe looked up as if he’d been expecting company.\u00a0 “What are you doing up, Pa?”\u00a0 There was no sign of slurring in his voice, but Ben knew that this meant nothing.\u00a0 Joe was far too good at holding his liquor, right up until he couldn’t.<\/p>\n

“What are you doing?”\u00a0 Ben’s voice was cautious, deliberately non-accusatory.<\/p>\n

Joe snorted.\u00a0 “Don’t worry, I’m not drinking it,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Then what are you doing with it?”<\/p>\n

“Just looking,” Joe said.\u00a0 “Looking at the weapon I used to ruin my life.\u00a0 Better than a gun, as it turns out.”\u00a0 His tone was easy, conversational, bitter.\u00a0 “Of course, if I’d had the sense to use a gun, it would all have been over, a long time ago.\u00a0 You wouldn’t have had to go through all this.”<\/p>\n

Ben moved closer.\u00a0 “Son, are you sure you haven’t been drinking?\u00a0 Even a little bit?”<\/p>\n

Joe’s laugh was harsh.\u00a0 “No, Pa, this is me, stone cold sober,” he said.\u00a0 “Not that I wouldn’t love a drink right now, but I figured I owe you that much.\u00a0 God knows, I’ve messed up everything else.\u00a0 At least you won’t have to sober me up in the morning.”\u00a0 He picked up the bottle and stared at it as if its label explained the mysteries of the universe.\u00a0 “At least I can do that much for you,” he whispered, not looking away from the bottle.\u00a0 “Even if I can’t do anything else.”<\/p>\n

“What are you talking about?” Ben asked softly, sitting next to Joe on the settee.\u00a0 When Joe didn’t answer, Ben laid a gentle arm around his son’s shoulders.\u00a0 “What is it, Joe?”<\/p>\n

Joe held the bottle to his chest as if it were a beloved heirloom.\u00a0 “I’m sorry,” he said at last.\u00a0 “I’m so sorry.”<\/p>\n

“Sorry for what?”\u00a0 Ben resisted the urge to take the bottle out of Joe’s hands.<\/p>\n

“For everything. For running off in the first place, for hiding, for being too weak to handle her death–”<\/p>\n

“Son, it’s all right,” said Ben, rubbing Joe’s arm.\u00a0 They’d been over this dozens of times. \u00a0He’d thought the topic was long behind them, but apparently not.\u00a0 He tried to catch a subtle look at the level in the whiskey bottle.\u00a0 He didn’t think that Joe would lie to him–especially\u00a0about this–but if something was upsetting him enough to get the bottle out in the first place, there was always the chance.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

“No, Pa, it’s not all right,” said Joe.\u00a0 “It’s not even in the same territory as \u2018all right.’\u00a0 Because every time I turn around, there’s something new to be sorry about, and it all flows from the same place.”\u00a0 He closed his eyes and rested his head against Ben’s shoulder, still clutching the bottle.<\/p>\n

Ben held his son close, waiting.\u00a0 The evening’s fire had burned low, casting more shadow than light.\u00a0 Ben could divine nothing from his son’s face.\u00a0 At last, when Joe said no more, Ben asked softly, “What’s the new thing that you’re sorry about?”<\/p>\n

Joe didn’t move his head from Ben’s shoulder.\u00a0 He sounded exhausted as he said, “Doc hasn’t told you?”<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “He hasn’t told me anything new lately.\u00a0 Was he supposed to?”<\/p>\n

It was Joe’s turn to shake his head.\u00a0 “I told him not to,” he said.\u00a0 “But I figured he’d probably say something anyway.”<\/p>\n

“He hasn’t said anything,” said Ben.\u00a0 When his son was silent, he asked gently, “What was it you thought he was going to tell me?”<\/p>\n

Joe took a deep breath and sat up straight.\u00a0 Eyes fixed on the dying flames, he said, “He says I can’t do ranch work any more.”<\/p>\n

After a moment, Ben said, “Well, Joe, you know you’ve still got a ways to go before you can go back to any kind of strenuous work–”<\/p>\n

“You don’t understand,” Joe interrupted.\u00a0 “He’s not talking about being able to break horses or punch cattle in a month or six months or a year.\u00a0 He’s saying \u2018never,’ Pa.\u00a0 Never again.\u00a0 Not ever.\u00a0 I’ve broken my last bronc.\u00a0 I’ve worked my last roundup.\u00a0 It’s all over.”\u00a0 He didn’t look at his father as he spoke the words he’d practiced in the solitude of his bedroom for the past week.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, Pa,” he said again.<\/p>\n

“But there must be something–”<\/p>\n

“There isn’t,” Joe cut in.\u00a0 “Before he ever told me, Doc wrote to a doctor in New York who specializes in hearts.\u00a0 That’s all this fellow does–just people with heart problems.\u00a0 You ever hear of such a thing?\u00a0 That doctor said there’s nothing he can do and that I need to find a new kind of work.\u00a0 I saw the letter.\u00a0 The doctor said he was sorry.”\u00a0 He stood abruptly.\u00a0 “He’s sorry,” he snorted.\u00a0 “He’s sorry, I’m sorry, everybody’s sorry–”\u00a0 He held up the bottle.\u00a0 “Are you sorry, too?” he shouted at it.<\/p>\n

Before Ben could move, Joe flung the bottle into the fireplace.\u00a0 Glass shattered against the stones.\u00a0 The sour smell of whiskey mingled with the warm scent of wood ash.<\/p>\n

For a long moment, father and son were silent.\u00a0 “I owe you a bottle of whiskey,” Joe said finally, not looking at his father.<\/p>\n

“Joseph.”\u00a0 In one movement, Ben rose and took his son in his arms.\u00a0 For a moment, Joe resisted; then, he surrendered, leaning against his father as if his strength had deserted him.\u00a0 Ben drew him back down to the settee and held the young man close.<\/p>\n

“Pa, what happened?\u00a0 We heard–”\u00a0 Adam appeared at the top of the stairs, Hoss behind him.<\/p>\n

“It’s all right, boys,” said Ben, rubbing Joe’s back as he tried to signal his older sons over Joe’s shoulder to leave them, but Joe turned to face them.<\/p>\n

“Sorry, that was me,” he said.\u00a0 “I broke the whiskey.\u00a0 Hope you weren’t lookin’ for a drink.”<\/p>\n

“Not a problem, Little Brother,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “You okay?”\u00a0 He tried not to be obvious as he appraised Joe, trying to discern how drunk his brother was.<\/p>\n

“Why don’t you two go back to bed, and we can all talk in the morning?” Ben suggested, giving them a hard look.<\/p>\n

“It’s all right, Pa,” said Joe resignedly.\u00a0 “Might as well tell everybody at once, get it over with.\u00a0 Come on down, brothers.”\u00a0 He waited until they had reached the bottom of the stairs before he said, “Looks like you’re gonna have to hire an extra hand for roundup.”<\/p>\n

“You don’t think you’ll be up to it by that time?” asked Hoss.\u00a0 Joe didn’t sound drunk, and Pa wasn’t acting like he was.\u00a0 Hoss wasn’t sure what to think now.<\/p>\n

“It seems I’m never gonna be up to it again,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Doc says no more ranch work for me.\u00a0 Ever.”<\/p>\n

“Nothin’?\u00a0 Not even lookin’ for strays?”<\/p>\n

“I reckon maybe I can look for them eventually, but I can’t do nothin’ if I find them,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Right now, I’m not allowed to lift more than ten pounds.\u00a0 If I’m real good, maybe someday, I can saddle my own horse, but it’s anybody’s guess when that might be.”<\/p>\n

“And there’s no possibility–” began Adam.<\/p>\n

“None,” said Joe.\u00a0 The doctor’s words from that afternoon were too vivid in his mind.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

“It’s my life!” insisted Joe.\u00a0 “If I want to work until I die, that’s my choice!”<\/em><\/p>\n

“It’s your choice,” agreed the doctor.\u00a0 “But you’re not the only one that that choice affects, and you need to keep that in mind.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“What are you talking about?” Joe demanded warily.<\/em><\/p>\n

Doc hesitated.\u00a0 They’d been having this discussion for a week now.\u00a0 Ever since he’d broken the news, he’d made a point of coming back to the Ponderosa every day.\u00a0 He knew that Joe hadn’t told his family, and the way he knew was that Ben hadn’t confronted him about it.\u00a0 But he also knew what this kind of stress could do to Joe–and so he made the trek out from town, day after day, to sit with the boy and listen to his heartbeat–and his heartache.<\/em><\/p>\n

They’d wrestled every point, over and over.\u00a0 The letter from the New York doctor had been read and reread, until it was smudged and crumpled from handling.\u00a0 The conclusion was inescapable and non-negotiable:\u00a0 Joe’s heart simply wouldn’t stand for the strain of the physical dimensions of ranchwork.\u00a0 If he were to go back to that way of life, he’d likely be dead within a few months. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“It’s my life,” Joe insisted again.\u00a0 “If I’m fine with the idea of dying young, that should be good enough.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Doc knew that the young man was hurting badly.\u00a0 When he’d left home five years earlier to marry Robin, it had never occurred to him that he might be walking away forever from the life he’d grown up with.\u00a0 Doc knew that, somehow, Joe had always expected to return to the Ponderosa someday, to carry on with the ranch they’d built.\u00a0 It was in the boy’s blood.\u00a0 It was who he was.\u00a0 To take that away from him–it was like taking away his name.<\/em><\/p>\n

But Joe needed to understand that there was something else at stake.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/em><\/p>\n

And so, the doctor said what he’d never wanted to say.\u00a0 “Your father is a dear friend of mine,” he said, laying a hand on the young man’s arm.\u00a0 “He’s been through a lot in his life.”\u00a0 He looked Joe squarely in the eye.\u00a0 “I know it’s your life, and I know it’s your choice.\u00a0 But if you won’t make this choice for yourself, make it for your father.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“My father will stand beside whatever decision I make,” said Joe stubbornly.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “That’s why it’s up to you.\u00a0 Your father’s already lost three wives.\u00a0 He’s had enough grief for one lifetime.”\u00a0 When Joe said nothing, Doc forced the words out.\u00a0 “Joe, as his friend, I’m asking you.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Asking me what?”\u00a0 Joe demanded when the words trailed off.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Don’t make him bury his son.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Stricken, Joe stared at the doctor.\u00a0 He pressed his fist against his mouth, feeling tears threaten for the umpteenth time since Doc had first broken the news a week earlier.\u00a0 No, he begged silently.\u00a0 You didn’t say that.\u00a0 Don’t say that.\u00a0 Don’t.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’m sorry, Joe,” said Doc–also for the umpteenth time in the past week. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“Please go,” said Joe.\u00a0 His breathing was ragged, and reflexively, the doctor put the stethoscope to his patient’s chest.\u00a0 “I’m fine,” Joe said, pushing it away.\u00a0 “Please.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Doc rose.\u00a0 The heart and lungs sounded as they had earlier that afternoon, but he hated to leave on this note.\u00a0 It was a hard balance to strike, knowing when to stay and offer comfort, and when to respect the boy’s request to be alone.\u00a0 He suspected that even Ben struggled with it on occasion, especially with his youngest son.\u00a0 “Shall I tell them you’re sleeping?” he asked reluctantly. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 “Thanks, Doc,” he managed.\u00a0 He would hold himself together until the doctor was out the door.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, in the dim light of the dying flames, he looked his eldest brother in the eye.\u00a0 “There’s nothing,” he said.\u00a0 His voice was so controlled that no one would have guessed that only a few hours earlier, he’d been pressing a pillow to his face to muffle the sounds of his grief.<\/p>\n

Adam Cartwright was a rational, logical man.\u00a0 It went against his nature to take any statement at face value.\u00a0 Everything in him wanted to challenge, to probe, to find the flaws in the logic that would enable them to refute this conclusion.<\/p>\n

But as he looked into his little brother’s eyes, he knew that there was no flaw this time.\u00a0 For all his failings, Joe was one of the toughest men he’d ever known.\u00a0 If Joe had accepted this judgment, it was because there was no alternative.<\/p>\n

And so he sat on the edge of the table and laid his hand on his little brother’s arm.\u00a0 Hoss moved to the back of the settee and rested a large hand on Joe’s neck, above their father’s arm around the young man’s shoulders.<\/p>\n

None of them spoke.\u00a0 There was nothing more to say.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Doc Martin knew as soon as he walked in the front door that Joe had told his family.\u00a0 He knew, because all of them–including Hop Sing–were waiting for him in the main room.\u00a0 Joe was on the settee, and they were gathered around as if to protect him.<\/p>\n

But Joe didn’t need to be protected.\u00a0 As they fired questions at the doctor, and hard answers were given, and then harder ones, Doc saw the young man reach over and lay his hand on top of his father’s.\u00a0 Ben was focused on the doctor and didn’t see his son’s expression, but the doctor did, and he caught Joe’s eye with a quiet nod and a small smile.<\/p>\n

He’d always known Joe Cartwright had it in him.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Hey, Pa, we’re back!”\u00a0 Adam called out.<\/p>\n

He and Hoss dropped their hats and gunbelts on the credenza.\u00a0 Three weeks of searching for strays in the cold wet of early spring made home look awfully good.\u00a0 Neither had said it aloud, but they’d even missed Joe’s endless complaining about the mud.\u00a0 It was still hard to believe he’d never be out there with them again, but he’d seemed to be handling the shift to inside work pretty well.\u00a0 Of course, as Adam had pointed out, Joe had only been at it a month when they left.\u00a0 The real test would be if he’d survived when it was just him, Pa and those blasted ledgers.<\/p>\n

“Sure can’t wait for some of Hop Sing’s good cookin’!” laughed Hoss.<\/p>\n

“Amen to that, Brother!” said Adam.\u00a0 “If I had to eat cold beans and jerky for one more day.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”\u00a0 They came around the corner to Ben’s desk and stopped in their tracks.<\/p>\n

Ben sat at his desk, his face bespeaking more anguish than a man should ever have to know.\u00a0 In his hand, he held the picture of Joe’s mother.\u00a0 When he looked up at his older sons, his eyes were bleary with grief.<\/p>\n

“Pa, what is it?\u00a0 What’s the matter?” Adam moved quickly to his father’s side.<\/p>\n

“Is it Joe?\u00a0 Is he okay?”\u00a0 Hoss’ heart was in his throat.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “He had another attack while you were gone,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Is he–”\u00a0 Hoss couldn’t say the word.<\/p>\n

“He’s doing better now,” said Ben.<\/p>\n

“Why didn’t you send somebody for us?”\u00a0 Adam tried to keep the anger from his voice.<\/p>\n

“The work needed to be done, and we were managing,” said Ben.\u00a0 Between the five of them–Ben, the doctor, Hop Sing, Rose Martin, and Maggie Donaldson–they’d managed.\u00a0 “It wasn’t nearly as bad as the last one, but–”<\/p>\n

“But what?” Adam asked ominously.<\/p>\n

“It did more damage to Joe’s heart,” Ben said.\u00a0 “Doc just left.\u00a0 He says that Joe’s heart is worse.\u00a0 A lot worse.”\u00a0 He drew a deep breath and forced the words out.\u00a0 “Doc says he has six months.\u00a0 Maybe a year.”<\/p>\n

Hoss sat down heavily, devastation written plain on his face.\u00a0 “No,” he whispered.\u00a0\u00a0Not my little brother.\u00a0 Not Little Joe.\u00a0 No.<\/em><\/p>\n

Adam’s face reflected the blow for only a second before becoming granite.\u00a0 He felt the shock pass through him like a bolt of lightning, leaving him stunned, but standing.\u00a0 He was always the one left standing when tragedy struck.\u00a0 Momentarily, he envied the others the privilege of being able to succumb to grief.<\/p>\n

“Does Joe know?” he asked quietly.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 “Doc wanted to tell me first.\u00a0 He wants me there when he tells him.\u00a0 He had to go–there was an accident out at the Emerson place–but he’s going to come back as soon as he’s done there.”\u00a0\u00a0Because he knows I can’t keep this from my son,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0 He could never mask the pain well enough to keep such a secret, even if he were willing to do so.<\/p>\n

The grandfather clock struck one.\u00a0 Ever practical, Adam asked, “Has Joe had lunch yet?”<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head again.\u00a0 “I put some soup on the stove.\u00a0 Hop Sing is in town, and I–I couldn’t bring myself to go up.”<\/p>\n

“I’ll take it up to him,” said Adam quietly.\u00a0 It wasn’t an offer; it was simply a fact.<\/p>\n

“Thank you, son,” Ben managed.\u00a0 Adam patted Hoss’ shoulder and headed into the kitchen, grateful for the brief distraction of the mundane.<\/p>\n

He pushed open the door to Joe’s room to find his brother lying on his side, staring out the window.\u00a0 “Lunchtime,” he announced with far more verve than was warranted.<\/p>\n

Joe’s head jerked around as if he hadn’t heard his brother approach.\u00a0 “Hey, Adam,” he said.\u00a0 Even in just the three weeks they’d been gone, Adam could hear that Joe’s voice sounded weaker, breathier.<\/p>\n

“Let’s see.\u00a0 We’ve got chicken soup, we’ve got bread, we’ve got the last of the strawberry jam Hop Sing put up last year, and we’ve got coffee which I can guarantee is excellent, because I made it myself.”\u00a0 He set the tray on the bedside table.\u00a0 “Need a hand?” he asked when Joe made no move to sit up.<\/p>\n

“I want to go outside,” Joe said suddenly.<\/p>\n

“Well, it’s a little chilly for that today, but maybe when it warms up–”<\/p>\n

“Adam.\u00a0 I want to go outside.\u00a0 Now.”<\/p>\n

Something in his brother’s voice got Adam’s attention.\u00a0 He sat on the edge of the bed.\u00a0 “Joe, you can’t go out right now,” he said.\u00a0 Unconsciously, he adopted the same soothing tone he’d used to comfort his brother as a small boy.<\/p>\n

“I have to.\u00a0 Please.”\u00a0 The green eyes glistened with urgency and unshed tears.\u00a0 Adam felt his heart lurch.<\/p>\n

“Not right now.\u00a0 Maybe later.”\u00a0 He couldn’t bring Joe downstairs now, with Pa and Hoss still looking like unwilling survivors of a devastating battle.<\/p>\n

“Listen to me.”\u00a0 Joe sat up and clutched his brother’s arm.\u00a0 “This is the last spring I’m ever going to see.\u00a0 I need to be out in it as much as I can.”<\/p>\n

“The last spring–Joe, what are you talking about?”\u00a0 With enormous effort, Adam kept his voice steady.<\/p>\n

“You and Pa did a good job on this house.\u00a0 I’ve been eavesdropping from this room my whole life.”<\/p>\n

Oh, God.\u00a0 No.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“I heard it all,” Joe continued.\u00a0 “Six months, maybe a year.\u00a0 I’ll have good days and not-so-good days.\u00a0 And if I’m lucky, when it’s over, it’ll be fast, just another attack.\u00a0 I heard it all, Adam.\u00a0 I know everything.”<\/p>\n

Adam closed his eyes, fighting for the legendary control everyone relied on.\u00a0 “Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.\u00a0 “Pa wanted to tell you himself.\u00a0 He never wanted you to find out like this.\u00a0 He and Doc were going to talk to you later, when Doc gets back.”<\/p>\n

“I know,” said Joe.\u00a0 “And that’s exactly what’s going to happen, and they’re not going to know that I already know.\u00a0 Because I’m not going to tell them, and neither are you.”\u00a0 He held his brother’s gaze, wavering only the slightest bit.<\/p>\n

“I won’t say a word,” promised Adam.<\/p>\n

“And you’ll help me get outside,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

Adam cupped his hand at the back of his brother’s neck.\u00a0 “I’ll tell you what,” he said.\u00a0 “You stay here and try to eat something, and I’ll see what I can do about getting Pa and Hoss out of the main room.”\u00a0 At Joe’s quizzical frown, he said, “There’s a reason I brought your lunch and not Pa.\u00a0 He was afraid you’d see it in his face–and to be honest, you would.”<\/p>\n

Joe dropped his head into his hand.\u00a0 “\u2018Don’t make him bury his son,'” he muttered.<\/p>\n

“What are you talking about?”<\/p>\n

“That’s what Doc said to me when he told me I had to quit ranch work.\u00a0 He said I could keep it up, but it would kill me.\u00a0 I said it was my choice, and he said that Pa’d known enough grief in his life with losing three wives, and I shouldn’t make him bury his son.”\u00a0 He snorted with derision.\u00a0 “So, I stopped–and look how much good it did.”<\/p>\n

“There’s no way to know how much of a difference it made,” said Adam, wondering where he got the nerve to ask his brother to be reasonable in the face of the ultimate unreasonableness.<\/p>\n

“Not enough of one, that’s for sure,” said Joe.\u00a0 “But there’s nothing we can do about it now–except get me the hell out of this room.”\u00a0 His eyes still glistened, but determination shone through the tears.<\/p>\n

Adam regarded his little brother thoughtfully.\u00a0 There would be much to deal with in the coming days–storms and tears and railing against the fates–but in that moment, Adam knew that, as long as his heart held out, Joe Cartwright would survive the rest of it.<\/p>\n

As his brothers had always said, the kid had grit.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Mrs. Miller was asking after you today, Joseph,” said Ben after they’d given thanks for the evening meal.<\/p>\n

“What’d you tell her?” asked Joe warily.\u00a0 He knew that everybody knew he was sick, but he still hated having his private matters made public.<\/p>\n

It had been nearly a month since Doc had delivered his prognosis.\u00a0 As he’d predicted, Joe had good days and not-so-good days.\u00a0 On the good days, a person would hardly have known anything was wrong with him, unless he was watching closely enough to see the moments when Joe suddenly reached for a chair or a bench or an arm, anything to support him.\u00a0 He still played the piano at church when he could, but even he knew that the day was coming soon when he’d have to give it up.\u00a0 He accompanied the children’s choir when they sang at Easter, and it was all Ben could do to keep from breaking down right there, as his son played for the little ones who sang about the resurrection from the dead.\u00a0 On the good days, Joe was outside as much as he could be, soaking in the sights and sounds and smells of the ranch.\u00a0 He laughed and told dreadful jokes and even rode Cochise when he could.\u00a0 He hung on the fence at the corral and tried his best to whoop and holler as other men broke the horses, and only the people who knew him best saw the sadness in his eyes when he turned away.<\/em><\/p>\n

Then, there were the not-so-good days, when Joe struggled for breath and his heart pounded wildly, and Doc stayed close.\u00a0 Without talking about it, Adam and Hoss assumed the running of the ranch so that Ben could remain by Joe’s bedside.\u00a0 Each of the not-so-good days required several days of recovery, making the good days all the more like precious jewels to be cherished.<\/em><\/p>\n

And as there were good days and not-so-good days with Joe’s physical health, so also did the Cartwrights know such variant times as they sought to cope, individually and as a family, with the knowledge that Joe’s time was drawing ever closer.\u00a0 Each tried, in his own way, to process his pain.\u00a0 There were days when Joe spent hours at the piano, when Hoss rode out before dawn and returned late, when Ben stared unseeingly at ledgers and Adam did likewise with books and Hop Sing baked more breads and cakes and pies than they could eat in a month.\u00a0 But then, there were the days when they were able to ride together to the bluff overlooking the lake for a picnic, or go fishing, or simply laugh together over dinner, and these, too, were treasures that they knew they would remember forever.<\/em><\/p>\n

Other than Doc, nobody outside the family knew.\u00a0 Joe was bracing for the day when he would tell Maggie, but he had no intention of sharing the news with anyone else.\u00a0 As far as he was concerned, he’d be dead when he was dead, and they could all just be surprised. \u00a0But even he knew that people were beginning to whisper.\u00a0 People like Mrs.\u00a0Miller.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I told her you were fine,” said his father. \u00a0It was true; this had been a good day. \u00a0“She said to give you her best.”<\/p>\n

“That’s all?\u00a0 That don’t sound like Mrs. Miller,” said Hoss.\u00a0 Laurie Ann Miller and her husband owned the mercantile, and it was widely known that she considered it her duty to dispense information with the goods she sold.<\/p>\n

“Sounds as if she’s slipping,” Adam agreed.\u00a0 He reached for the platter of roast beef, but Hoss had already gotten to it.<\/p>\n

“Now, boys,” said Ben mildly.\u00a0 “She’s just being neighborly.\u00a0 Pass the potatoes, Adam.”<\/p>\n

“Pa, Mrs.\u00a0Miller passed \u2018neighborly’ a long time ago,” said Adam.\u00a0 “Last thing we need is for her to start talking.\u00a0 She’s gets a whiff of what’s going on, and everybody’s going to be on some sort of a deathwatch.\u00a0 Pass the peas, Joe.”<\/p>\n

“Wouldn’t surprise me if Clyde Scribner starts taking bets on the date,” Joe chuckled as he handed Adam the dish.\u00a0 “That fellow’d bet on which raindrop hits the ground first.”<\/p>\n

“Joseph!”\u00a0 Sometimes, his youngest son’s humor took a definite turn toward the macabre.<\/p>\n

“They’re all a pack of vultures,” said Hoss with such uncharacteristic bitterness that they all stared.<\/p>\n

“Tell you what, Big Brother,” Joe said, spearing a slice of roast beef from the platter.\u00a0 “You just stick close, and I’ll let you know when I think the time’s gonna be, and maybe you can pick up a few bucks.\u00a0 You can take a trip or something–on me, so to speak.”<\/p>\n

“That ain’t funny!” snapped Hoss.<\/p>\n

“No one said it was,” Ben began, glaring at his youngest son, but Hoss threw down his napkin and stormed out the door.\u00a0 Ben started to rise to go after him, but Joe restrained him with a hand on his arm.<\/p>\n

“Let me go,” said Joe.\u00a0 After a moment, Ben sat back down, and Joe went after his brother.<\/p>\n

Not surprisingly, Hoss was in the barn, saddling his horse.\u00a0 “You want to saddle mine, too?” said Joe.\u00a0 When Hoss didn’t look up from tightening his cinch, Joe said, “Either you do it or I will.”<\/p>\n

Hoss looked up.\u00a0 Anger smoldered in his eyes, and his jaw was clenched.\u00a0 “Jest leave me be,” he said.<\/p>\n

“Sorry, can’t do that,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I’m riding with you.\u00a0 And if you don’t saddle Cochise, I will.\u00a0 How much you figure that saddle weighs, anyway?\u00a0 Twenty-five pounds?\u00a0 Thirty?\u00a0 And he’s probably–what, fifteen, sixteen hands? \u00a0Pretty high for somebody with a heart like mine to lift that kind of weight.”\u00a0 He held Hoss’s glare without flinching.\u00a0 “What’s it gonna be?\u00a0 You or me?”<\/p>\n

“Dadburn your ornery hide!”\u00a0 Hoss reached past him for Chubby’s bridle.<\/p>\n

“Or, we could just stay here and talk about it,” said Joe.\u00a0 Hoss stood next to Chubby, bridle in hand.\u00a0 “Come on,” Joe urged.\u00a0 “Give the poor horse a break.\u00a0 Let’s just sit down and talk.”\u00a0 Much as Joe would have loved to ride with his brother, he figured that the amount of time it would take to talk this whole thing out would far exceed his stamina.\u00a0 All he needed to do was have an attack and die out on the road somewhere, and Hoss would never forgive himself.<\/p>\n

Hoss wasn’t moving.\u00a0 Clearly, it was time to up the ante.\u00a0 “Come on, sit with me.”\u00a0 Joe placed a foot on the bottom rung of the ladder to the loft.<\/p>\n

“What in tarnation do you think you’re doin’?” demanded Hoss suspiciously.<\/p>\n

“Going up to the loft,” said Joe, as if there couldn’t possibly have been any question.\u00a0 “That’s where we always talked when we were kids.”<\/p>\n

“You ain’t climbin’ that ladder,” said Hoss.<\/p>\n

“I can climb this ladder,” said Joe.\u00a0 He was pretty sure he was right about that.\u00a0 The loft wasn’t that high.\u00a0 Ten feet, maybe twelve. \u00a0Fifteen, at the most. \u00a0He could handle that.\u00a0 He put his other foot on the next rung and hauled himself up another rung.\u00a0 “You comin’, or am I gonna waste the trip to the loft?”<\/p>\n

“You get off that ladder now, Joseph,” said Hoss in the voice that said that he meant business.\u00a0 Joe remembered that voice well from his childhood, and he remembered the painful consequences of ignoring it.<\/p>\n

Even so, he met his big brother’s glare coolly.\u00a0 “You gonna stay here?”<\/p>\n

“I’ll stay here,” said Hoss finally.<\/p>\n

“Unsaddle Chub, and then I’ll get down,” said Joe.\u00a0 It wasn’t like he had much in the way of leverage.\u00a0 He had to use what there was.\u00a0 Luckily, it was enough.\u00a0 As soon as Hoss hauled the saddle off Chubby’s back, Joe jumped lightly to the barn floor.\u00a0 “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he said, dusting off his hands.\u00a0 “Now, let’s sit down.”\u00a0 He took a seat on one of the bales of hay next to the feed box.\u00a0 Reluctantly, Hoss sat down next to him.<\/p>\n

The brothers sat without speaking, listening to Chubby and Cochise whinnying.\u00a0 “Well, those two are talking, anyway,” Joe said finally.<\/p>\n

“You’re the one who wanted to talk,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “I jest wanted to ride for a little bit.”<\/p>\n

Joe considered the point.\u00a0 “Okay,” he said.\u00a0 “I just wanted to tell you that I didn’t mean to upset you in there.\u00a0 I’m sorry.”\u00a0 Hoss remained silent, eyes fixed on his boots.\u00a0 “Look, Hoss, if anybody knows this ain’t funny, it’s me,” Joe said.\u00a0 “But if we can’t laugh every so often, we’re gonna go nuts.”<\/p>\n

“I can’t laugh about it,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “And I don’t want to.”<\/p>\n

Joe drew as deep a breath as he could manage.\u00a0 “I know we’ve never really talked about the whole thing,” he said.\u00a0 “I can’t imagine how I’d feel if it was you instead of me.\u00a0 I don’t know how to tell you to get ready.\u00a0 All I can tell you is that it’s gonna happen, and when it does, I’m gonna need you.”<\/p>\n

Hoss said nothing for a long time.\u00a0 Just as Joe was about to get up, Hoss said, “I held you when you warn’t even an hour old.\u00a0 You’ve been my best friend as long as I can remember.\u00a0 I jest can’t picture a world without you in it.\u00a0 It don’t make any sense.”<\/p>\n

“It don’t make any sense to me, either,” said Joe.\u00a0 “There are lots of drunks whose hearts are just fine.\u00a0 Maybe mine was never any good anyway.”<\/p>\n

“Dadburnit, don’t say things like that!”\u00a0 Hoss looked away, and Joe laid his hand on the big man’s shoulder.<\/p>\n

“Then tell me what to say to you,” Joe said.\u00a0 “‘Cause this is real, and it’s not going away.\u00a0 I’m going to die, Hoss. \u00a0Six months, a year–I don’t know, but I’m not going to see your kids grow up.\u00a0 I’m not going to see Adam’s kids.\u00a0 I’m not going to have kids of my own–”<\/p>\n

“Damn it, Joe, jest stop it!”\u00a0 Hoss got up and flung himself into Chubby’s stall.\u00a0 “I’m gonna ride, and you ain’t comin’ with me.\u00a0 Understand?”\u00a0 He saddled the big horse, led him out and rode off as Joe let his head fall back against the wall, blowing out a frustrated breath.<\/p>\n

Ben looked up when the door opened.\u00a0 Ever since he heard the single horse ride out, he’d been forcing himself to wait for Joe to come in on his own.\u00a0 “Joe, would you come here?”\u00a0 he invited.\u00a0 When his youngest son had settled himself on the hearth next to Ben’s chair, Ben asked gently, “Is everything all right?”<\/p>\n

“I made it worse,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I just wanted him to understand.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/p>\n

“Joseph.”\u00a0 Ben rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder, just as Joe had done with Hoss earlier.\u00a0 “He can’t understand.\u00a0 No one can.\u00a0 It’s not possible.\u00a0 But I’ll tell you this, son.\u00a0 Your brother loves you, and he’s going to stick with you.\u00a0 We all will.\u00a0 We may not always be what you need us to be, but we’ll all be trying our best for you.”<\/p>\n

“I know,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I just thought.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/p>\n

“Let him grieve, son,” said Ben.\u00a0 “He’ll come back to you.\u00a0 I promise.”\u00a0 Joe bowed his head, his warm cheek brushing Ben’s hand.\u00a0 Instantly, Ben’s concern shifted, and he laid his palm first against his son’s face, and then on his forehead.\u00a0 “You’re got some fever,” he said.\u00a0 “How’re you feeling?”<\/p>\n

“I’m fine,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Just tired.”<\/p>\n

“Well, let’s get you upstairs to bed,” said Ben, rising.\u00a0 When Joe didn’t protest that he could manage the stairs on his own, Ben’s concern began to mount.\u00a0 “Just lean on me,” he murmured as they started up the stairs.\u00a0 By the time they reached the top, Joe’s breathing was rough and he was coughing.\u00a0 “Adam!” Ben called.\u00a0 A moment later, the eldest Cartwright brother was running down the stairs and out the door.<\/p>\n

When Hoss rode into the yard the next morning, he was greeted by the all-too-familiar sight of the doctor’s rig.\u00a0 He barreled into the house just as Ben and Doc were coming down the stairs.<\/p>\n

“What happened?\u00a0 Is he all right?” Hoss demanded.<\/p>\n

“As much as he can be,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “He’s running a fever, but nothing earth-shattering.\u00a0 Heart and lungs sound as they have, no worse.\u00a0 Just keep him warm and quiet, and make sure he’s eating. \u00a0I’ll be over at the Fletcher place, but if anything changes, you send somebody for me right away.”<\/p>\n

Hoss bounded up the stairs, two at a time, and down the hall to Joe’s room.\u00a0 At the doorway, he stopped.\u00a0 Adam was sitting in the bedside chair, book in hand, reading aloud as Joe lay with his eyes closed.\u00a0 Quietly, Hoss entered the room.<\/p>\n

“You can’t tiptoe in boots that size,” Joe said drowsily, opening his eyes.<\/p>\n

“What’d you do?” Hoss asked with mock gruffness, settling himself on the side of the bed.<\/p>\n

“Same old thing,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Foiled a bank robbery, rescued a lady in distress, wrestled a bear.\u00a0 See how much fun you missed?”\u00a0 Hoss laid a large hand on Joe’s forehead, and Joe smiled. \u00a0“I’m fine, Big Brother,” he said.\u00a0 “Just a fever.\u00a0 Nothing to get excited about.\u00a0 Not like Older Brother’s book-now, that’s exciting stuff.\u00a0 Which one is this again?”<\/p>\n

“Paradise Lost<\/em>,” said Adam.\u00a0 “Show some respect.\u00a0 It was my mother’s favorite.”<\/p>\n

“So the rest of us have to suffer,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Just my luck, she’ll have a copy, too, and I’ll have to spend eternity listening to this stuff.”\u00a0 At Hoss’ stricken look, he said, “Sorry, Brother.”<\/p>\n

“I’m going to see what Pa’s up to,” said Adam as the silence stretched out.\u00a0 He slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.<\/p>\n

Joe took his brother’s hand.\u00a0 For a while, the two were quiet.\u00a0 At last, Joe spoke.\u00a0 “I’m sorry, Hoss, I really am,” he said.\u00a0 “I don’t mean to die on you.”<\/p>\n

“I know,” said the big man hoarsely.\u00a0 “I jest–”\u00a0 His voice broke.<\/p>\n

Ever since Little Joe was a baby, he had sought solace in his big brother’s arms.\u00a0 Countless times, he’d clung to Hoss, weeping against the broad chest, feeling the comfort and strength and love that embraced him.\u00a0 One of the most devastating moments of his life had come that day, a year earlier, when he’d thought Hoss had given up on him.\u00a0 The two brothers shared a bond that ran deeper than words or thoughts could say, a bond that nothing could shatter.\u00a0 Not even pain, or separation, or death.<\/p>\n

Now, as the big man finally broke down, the one he had comforted so long and so well reached out to him and drew him close.\u00a0 “It’s all right, Big Brother,” Joe whispered.\u00a0 “I got you.\u00a0 You just let it out.\u00a0 I’m right here.”\u00a0 He repeated the soft words, over and over, rubbing Hoss’s broad back as his brother’s hot tears dampened his nightshirt.\u00a0 He rested his cheek against the wispy brown hair, holding tightly to brace them both against the shuddering grief.\u00a0 And the younger brother rocked the older ever so gently, while outside the bedroom window, horses neighed and birds chirped and the sun climbed higher in the blue spring sky.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“I’m sorry, Maggie.”<\/p>\n

It was all he could do not to reach for her, to stroke that beautiful, pale cheek with just a hint of a blush, to tuck that strand of fine blond hair behind her ear.\u00a0 So many times they’d sat here on the settee, in front of the fire, easy and comfortable and romantic.\u00a0 And now.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

“How long have you known?” she asked in a strangled voice.<\/p>\n

“A few weeks,” he admitted.<\/p>\n

“Why didn’t you tell me?”<\/p>\n

He laid his hand on hers.\u00a0 “I didn’t know how,” he said.\u00a0 “And I didn’t want to be the one to put that look on your face.”<\/p>\n

“What look?”<\/p>\n

“This one,” he said, touching her cheek.\u00a0 “This look that says you’re hurting and it’s all my fault.”<\/p>\n

“It’s nobody’s fault, Joe,” she said quietly.\u00a0 She knew about the drinking and how Doc said that had probably caused his heart problems.\u00a0 “You didn’t do it on purpose.\u00a0 You didn’t know.”<\/p>\n

“Small consolation now,” he said wryly.\u00a0 He took a deep breath.\u00a0 “You know how much you mean to me, Maggie,” he began.<\/p>\n

“You mean a great deal to me, too,” she responded hesitantly, as if she weren’t certain what he was asking.<\/p>\n

“Maggie, I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have,” said Joe.\u00a0 “I think-I think we should stop seeing each other.”<\/p>\n

She stared at him.\u00a0 “I don’t understand.”<\/p>\n

“I’m not going to get better,” he said.\u00a0 “This is going to get worse before I die.\u00a0 A lot worse.\u00a0 And–well, I won’t do this to you.\u00a0 I won’t put you through it.\u00a0 I just won’t.\u00a0 Believe me, it’s better this way.”<\/p>\n

The tears made her eyes look even deeper violet.\u00a0 Joe could feel his own tears threatening.\u00a0 Almost against his will, he took her hand.\u00a0 “You have to believe me,” he repeated.\u00a0 “It’ll be better for you this way.”<\/p>\n

“Don’t you think I’m the best judge of what would be better for me?”\u00a0 Her voice trembled, but then held steady.\u00a0 “I’ve known since the first time I walked into this house that you were sick.\u00a0 I’m the one who went with you to the doctor when you had your first attack.\u00a0 I’ve sat by your bed for months, watching to make sure you kept breathing.\u00a0 I know what to expect by now.”<\/p>\n

“No, Maggie, you don’t,” said Joe.\u00a0 “That’s the hell of it.\u00a0 You think you know, but you have no idea.\u00a0 There’s nothing like losing the person you love.\u00a0 Nothing even comes close to comparing to this.\u00a0 How do you think I got this way in the first place?\u00a0 Robin died.\u00a0 And if you’d asked me the night before she got shot, I’d have said I could handle it.\u00a0 I knew about losing people.\u00a0 My mother died when I was just a kid.\u00a0 I’ve heard my father talk about losing three wives–three, Maggie.\u00a0 Sure, I was young when Robin died, but I was a tough kid.\u00a0 I’d already left everything, even my family, and I’d handled it.\u00a0 I’d created a whole new life, a whole new identity.\u00a0 I’d have sworn I was man enough to survive even a loss like that-but instead, I drank myself into a stupor so that I wouldn’t have to feel what it was like to live in a world without her.\u00a0 And as a result of that–I’m dying.\u00a0 And I’m not going to put you through what I went through.\u00a0 I won’t do it.”<\/p>\n

“Joe, don’t you understand?\u00a0 No matter what pain you think you’re sparing me, it’s nothing compared to the pain I’ll have, knowing that you’re here and I’m there, and I can’t be with you.\u00a0 Knowing that you’re in pain, and suffering and dying, and I can’t be there.\u00a0 Not getting to say goodbye to you.”<\/p>\n

“There’s nothing beautiful about dying, Maggie,” Joe said.\u00a0 “I held Robin while she died.\u00a0 There was so much blood–her blood–all over her and all over me.\u00a0 It wasn’t glamorous or dignified or peaceful.\u00a0 It was horrible and violent and I felt like I was being ripped in half.\u00a0 Believe me–being here when I die isn’t going to make it any better for you.\u00a0\u00a0Now<\/em>\u00a0is what matters.\u00a0 Remember what I look like now, when I can still sit up and look back at you. \u00a0Talk to me now, while I can still talk back.”\u00a0 He swallowed hard.\u00a0 In a low voice, he said, “Say goodbye to me now, before I’m so sick that I can’t even hear you.”<\/p>\n

He could see her struggling.\u00a0 At last, she said, “What does the doctor say?”<\/p>\n

“He says that last attack did more damage than he expected,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Before, he thought that not doing ranch work would mean a lot more time, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out that way.\u00a0 He thinks I have something like six months left–if I’m lucky, maybe I could last as long a year.”<\/p>\n

“And you’d throw away a year we could have together, just because you’re afraid to have me watch you die?”\u00a0 Tears streamed down her cheeks.<\/p>\n

“I’m not afraid of you seeing me die,” said Joe.\u00a0 He took her hand and held it against his chest.\u00a0 “I’m afraid of what will happen to you after I’m gone.\u00a0 The longer we’re together, the harder it’s going to be for you.”<\/p>\n

“You once got angry with me because I made a decision that was rightfully yours,” she reminded him.\u00a0 “Don’t go making my decisions for me.\u00a0 If I’m willing to take that chance, don’t you take it away from me.”<\/p>\n

“You don’t understand,” he said, just as gently.\u00a0 “You don’t know what it’s like to be on the other side of it.”<\/p>\n

“But I know that I love you,” she said.\u00a0 “I know, proper young ladies don’t say that type of thing until the gentleman has said it first.\u00a0 Well, we all know that I’m not that proper, and I don’t think it’s coming as any big surprise anyway.”<\/p>\n

Joe’s fingertips caressed her cheek.\u00a0 He wanted so much to tell her the truth–that he loved her desperately–but he didn’t have that right.\u00a0 Not now.\u00a0 Expressions of love were for the living.\u00a0 But she nodded as if she knew what he was thinking.<\/p>\n

“Joe, listen to me,” she said.\u00a0 “I’m a big girl.\u00a0 I know what I’m saying.\u00a0 And what I’m saying is that I’d rather have six months with you than a lifetime without you.”<\/p>\n

Joe closed his eyes against the pain of her words.\u00a0 “Don’t you understand?” His voice was hoarse with tears.\u00a0 “With me, that’s exactly what you’d get–six months, or maybe a little more, with me, and then a lifetime without me.\u00a0 You deserve so much more, Maggie.\u00a0 You deserve someone you can spend your whole life with.\u00a0 Someone you can make love to without having to worry that it’s going to kill him.\u00a0 Someone you can have children with, who’ll be there with you to watch them grow up.\u00a0 All I can promise you is that if you marry me, someday soon, you’ll be a widow.”\u00a0 His tears spilled over.\u00a0 “I won’t do that to you, Maggie.\u00a0 I just won’t.\u00a0 I love you too much for that.\u00a0 I won’t put you through that.”\u00a0 He pulled her close, and she clung to him as they cried together.<\/p>\n

Eventually, they were quiet.\u00a0 She sat up, and with infinite tenderness, he wiped the tears from her face.\u00a0 “Are you all right?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“No,” she said.\u00a0 “Are you?”<\/p>\n

“No,” he echoed.\u00a0 They sat together, not speaking, until at last, she stood.<\/p>\n

“This isn’t over,” she said.\u00a0 “You’re not rid of me, Joe Cartwright.\u00a0 No matter what decisions you think you’re making for me.”\u00a0 She brushed his cheek with her fingertips and walked to the door.\u00a0 He watched as she put her shawl around her shoulders.\u00a0 She opened the door and turned back.\u00a0 “I mean it,” she said.\u00a0 “This isn’t over.”\u00a0 With that, she walked out the door.\u00a0 As it closed behind her, Joe sank back on the settee, the bitter taste of loss in his mouth.<\/p>\n

When Adam came in two hours later, Joe was still lying on the settee.\u00a0 “Hey, Little Brother,” he said, tossing his gunbelt onto the credenza.<\/p>\n

“Hey,” said Joe lifelessly.<\/p>\n

“You all right?”\u00a0 Adam peered at his brother.\u00a0 The kid didn’t look right.\u00a0 He moved around to the other side of the settee and sat down on the table, resting a hand on Joe’s forehead.\u00a0 Joe’s breathing sounded as normal as it ever did any more, and his color wasn’t bad.<\/p>\n

So whatever it was, it wasn’t physical.\u00a0 Only part of Adam was relieved.\u00a0 The physical was serious, but at least he knew how to handle that.\u00a0 He’d kept two of the hands back from the drive, just in case he needed to send somebody for the doctor.\u00a0 But as for the rest of it-suddenly, he wished like hell that he was in Carson City instead of Pa and Hoss.<\/p>\n

It had been clear to the brothers that Pa desperately needed a break, even if it was only for a couple of days.\u00a0 They knew, though, that he would never just go off and leave Joe–not now.\u00a0 So, Joe suggested one evening that Pa go to the Carson City horse auction.\u00a0 Privately, Adam thought his little brother overdid it just a bit, sighing dramatically about how he wished he could have gone and how much it would mean to know that Pa was choosing the Ponderosa’s horses personally, but Pa didn’t appear to think anything was amiss.\u00a0 Even so, it had taken all three of them, plus Doc Martin, to convince Pa that Joe would be fine in his absence.\u00a0 To be sure that Pa actually went all the way to Carson City, rather than turning around an hour down the road, Adam persuaded Hoss to go along.\u00a0 “You could use a break, too,” he told his larger brother generously.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now, Adam bitterly regretted his magnanimous gesture.\u00a0 Pa and Hoss were the ones who could talk about how somebody felt, and that was plainly what Joe needed.\u00a0 As much as Adam loved his little brother, he just wasn’t any good at that type of talking.<\/p>\n

But there was nobody else here, and clearly, something was seriously wrong.\u00a0 He had to try.\u00a0 So, he rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder and asked, “What happened?”<\/p>\n

“I said goodbye to Maggie,” said Joe tonelessly.<\/p>\n

“You did what?\u00a0 Why?”\u00a0 Adam was stunned.\u00a0 He’d have bet his last book that Joe and Maggie were headed for the altar.<\/p>\n

“She’s in love with me,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“I can’t say that’s the biggest surprise I’ve ever had,” Adam said, trying to coax a smile out of his brother.\u00a0 “What’s wrong with that?\u00a0 Don’t you love her?”<\/p>\n

“More than I’d ever have thought I could,” said Joe.\u00a0 “But I’m dying.\u00a0 I can’t ask her sit here and watch that.\u00a0 Bad enough the rest of you are gonna have to.”<\/p>\n

Part of Adam understood Joe’s thinking:\u00a0 his little brother was a proud man, and he probably thought he was protecting the girl.\u00a0 But the larger part was rolling its eyes at the idea of his brother being so foolish as to walk away from a woman who loved him that much, and that was the part that spoke.\u00a0 “So you ended things with Maggie because someday, you’re going to die?”\u00a0 He wasn’t trying to be snotty, but Joe glared at him.<\/p>\n

“I know it sounds stupid to you, but believe me, Adam, it’s not,” snapped Joe.\u00a0 “I know, we’re all gonna die someday.\u00a0 It’s just that I’ve got a pretty good guess about when my someday is gonna be, and I’m not standing by and letting her get into this deeper and deeper, just to have the rug pulled out from under her.\u00a0 I won’t do that to her!”<\/p>\n

Adam resisted the urge to try to lighten the mood by teasing Joe about his mixed metaphors.\u00a0 That kind of joke never went over well with his brothers.\u00a0 “What you’re saying doesn’t sound stupid at all,” he said at last.\u00a0 “Believe it or not, I think I have an idea how you feel.”\u00a0 At Joe’s furrowed brow, he said, “Remember Laura Dayton?”<\/p>\n

“Of course,” said Joe.\u00a0 Laura and Adam had been engaged when Laura fell in love with their cousin, Will.\u00a0 Laura and Will had been on the verge of confessing to Adam when Adam was injured in a fall from a ladder.\u00a0 For several weeks afterward, he was confined to a wheelchair while the doctor tried to determine whether he would ever walk again.\u00a0 Ultimately, it became clear that Laura was staying only because Adam was in a wheelchair.<\/p>\n

“I remember hearing about how you stood up out of that wheelchair and told her to go to Will,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Pa said you got up, and then you walked into the house–and then you just about passed out as soon as Pa closed the door.”<\/p>\n

“I paid dearly for that little stunt,” agreed Adam.\u00a0 “Doc figured I set my recovery back at least two or three months.\u00a0 But it was what I had to do to let her know that I didn’t need her, and she should go with the man she loved.\u00a0 I didn’t want her to watch him ride away and feel as if she had to stay here with me in that chair.”<\/p>\n

“But what does that have to do with Maggie and me?” asked Joe.<\/p>\n

“Well, Little Brother, it’s this way.\u00a0 I had to be strong enough for Laura to leave if that was what she truly wanted to do.\u00a0 Yes, it hurt, and it cost me, but I had to do it.\u00a0 The way I see it, maybe you need to see if you’re strong enough to let Maggie stay.\u00a0 It’s going to hurt you, because you’re going to see her in pain, and you know better than anybody what she’s going to go through afterward, but maybe you need to be strong enough to stand back and let her make her own choice.”<\/p>\n

“But she doesn’t know, not really.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”<\/p>\n

“No, she doesn’t,” agreed Adam.\u00a0 “And maybe that’s a good thing.\u00a0 Tell me this:\u00a0 would you have married Robin if you’d known how it was going to end?”<\/p>\n

“Of course.”<\/p>\n

Adam smiled.\u00a0 “Then just maybe, you need to let Maggie do the same thing if that’s what she wants,” he suggested.<\/p>\n

“I don’t want her to get hurt any more than she already will,” said Joe.\u00a0 “There’s not much left that I can do for her.\u00a0 At least I can protect her a little bit.”<\/p>\n

“What if she doesn’t want to be protected?\u00a0 Shouldn’t that be her choice?”<\/p>\n

“That’s what she said.”\u00a0 Joe’s voice faded.\u00a0 The pain in his eyes was so raw that Adam wished again for Pa, with his gentle words of wisdom and his strong arms to hold a hurting son.<\/p>\n

“You think maybe you want to go upstairs and try to get some sleep?” Adam suggested after a while.\u00a0 “Pa always says that things look better in the morning light.”<\/p>\n

Joe was silent for so long that Adam began to worry that the strain was taking its toll.\u00a0 He reached out, ostensibly to brush Joe’s hair back from his forehead, but actually to see if his brother was running a fever.\u00a0 “I don’t know,” Joe whispered finally.\u00a0 “It all keeps swirling around in my head like some big sandstorm out in the desert.\u00a0 I can’t even make sense of anything.”<\/p>\n

“Then play it through,” said Adam.\u00a0 This, at least, was familiar territory, the idea of working through a problem with music.\u00a0 At Joe’s perplexed look, he said, “Come on.”\u00a0 He helped Joe to his feet and laid his arm around his brother’s shoulders, shepherding him over to the piano.\u00a0 He pulled out the bench, and Joe sat down, almost dazed.\u00a0 Adam opened the keyboard cover and rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder.\u00a0 “Just play what you’re feeling,” he said.<\/p>\n

Joe touched the keys, then drew back.\u00a0 “I don’t know,” he said.\u00a0 “I don’t even know how to start.”<\/p>\n

“I’ll start you,” said Adam.\u00a0 He picked up his guitar and drew up a chair.\u00a0 Slowly, he plucked the individual notes of an E minor chord.\u00a0 When Joe didn’t move, he plucked the E minor again, and then an A minor and a B minor.\u00a0 Joe watched as Adam moved through a sequence of chords, mostly minor, the delicate arpeggios vibrating in the silence.<\/p>\n

After a minute, Joe struck a key.\u00a0 One mournful note, singing alone above the guitar’s quiet constancy.\u00a0 He played another note, and another, and slowly, a melody line emerged.\u00a0 Adam repeated the chord sequence, over and over, and Joe began to pick it up in the bass.\u00a0 The guitar stilled as the piano line became sharper and more intense, as jagged as broken glass.\u00a0\u00a0 The music swelled, violent with anger and fear, stubborn and passionate and lashed with grief.\u00a0 Adam closed his eyes, trying to absorb his brother’s pain, surrounded by the song of love and death.<\/p>\n

The last notes faded away.\u00a0 Joe’s hands were shaking.\u00a0 Adam set down his guitar and moved to sit on the bench, next to his brother.\u00a0 He wrapped his arm around Joe’s shoulders, and the two men sat in silence.\u00a0 After a long while, when the grandfather clock struck nine o’clock, Adam rose.<\/p>\n

“Come on,” he said quietly.\u00a0 “You need to get to bed.\u00a0 I’ll bring you some soup after we get you settled.\u00a0 You didn’t have supper before I got home, did you?”<\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him.\u00a0 His eyes were dark with that sad, haunted look, but for the moment, the storm had stilled.\u00a0 He closed the keyboard cover.\u00a0 “Thanks, Older Brother,” he whispered, and Adam knew that his brother’s words had nothing to do with the offer of food.<\/p>\n

For a moment, Adam wondered how to respond.\u00a0\u00a0You’re welcome?\u00a0 My pleasure?\u00a0 It was nothing?\u00a0 I love you?<\/em>\u00a0 Pa or Hoss would have known just the right thing to say, he thought.\u00a0 As he supported Joe up the stairs, Adam reflected that, sometimes, all a Yankee granitehead could do was trust that his little brother already understood everything that mattered.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
\n

Ben hadn’t heard Joe come up behind him.<\/strong>\u00a0 Adam was teaching Jacob how to throw a lasso by trying to rope a kneeling Hoss, and Maggie was busy setting out their picnic.\u00a0 The white clouds were starting to give way to gray, and the late spring day was cooler than normal, but none of them minded.\u00a0 The sounds of the river, just down the embankment, were lively and soothing, all at the same time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Of course.\u00a0 What’s on your mind?”<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

“Over here,” said Joe, leading the way with awkward determination. \u00a0He wasn’t used to relying the cane yet, but he was working on it.\u00a0 It was better than hanging onto someone’s arm for support–or worse, just falling right over. \u00a0He’d already done that one time too many. \u00a0He was fighting for every last vestige of independence, and the battle was becoming fierce.<\/p>\n

Six months, maybe a year.<\/em>\u00a0 It had already been nearly two months since Doc had made that pronouncement.\u00a0 Every now and again, the thought would kick Ben in the gut like a wild horse.\u00a0 Steadfastly, he clung to his belief in a merciful God Who heard and answered prayers, but in his darkest moments, he had to admit that, if God was planning to do something, He seemed to be taking His sweet time about it.\u00a0 And in the meantime, Joe was losing weight and strength, and the good days were fewer and farther between.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

Ben shook off such thoughts.\u00a0 He knew that losing someone he loved didn’t mean that God was ignoring his prayers.\u00a0 The truth was that, sometimes, the answer to a prayer was “no.”\u00a0 He’d received that answer three devastating times.<\/p>\n

But still, he prayed.<\/p>\n

Joe lowered himself to sit under a tree, out of earshot of the others.\u00a0 Ben sat down next to him.\u00a0 It was a reflex by now, assessing his son’s appearance, walking the fine line between allowing Joe to do as much as he could and putting his foot down when his stubborn son pushed himself too hard.\u00a0 Joe looked a bit pale now, but he didn’t seem overtired.<\/p>\n

“Pa, what would you think about Maggie and me getting married?”\u00a0 Joe had never been much on small talk, but these days, there was an urgency that pushed aside meaningless chitchat.<\/p>\n

Ben thought for a minute.\u00a0 He had a number of thoughts about the idea, and he wasn’t at all certain that he should articulate any of them.\u00a0 Finally, he asked gently, “Why?”<\/p>\n

“Why am I asking, or why would we get married?”<\/p>\n

“Both, I suppose,” said Ben.<\/p>\n

“We’ve talked about marriage before,” Joe said.\u00a0 “I tried to talk her out of it, but–well, you see how that went.”\u00a0 Ben smiled as they watched Maggie spreading a cloth on the ground.\u00a0 She’d been at the Ponderosa nearly every day for the past two weeks.\u00a0 As best Ben could sort out, there’d been some sort of argument while he and Hoss were in Carson City, but neither Adam nor Joe had been willing to fill in the details.\u00a0 Then, one day, Maggie appeared and insisted on seeing Joe.\u00a0 They spent hours that day closeted in his room, and raised voices had been audible on several occasions.\u00a0 When she finally emerged, her face was stained with tears, but she looked as radiant as any bride.\u00a0 Whatever the issues were, they’d settled them to their own satisfaction.<\/p>\n

“But–why now?”\u00a0 Ben couldn’t help asking, but Joe didn’t seem to be offended.<\/p>\n

“Because there’s still time for us to have something together,” said Joe.\u00a0 “Not much, but something, before I get too sick.\u00a0 I love her, Pa.\u00a0 I love her, and she loves me, and she’s willing to do this even knowing–” \u00a0He took a deep breath.\u00a0 “But we’re not the only ones this affects.\u00a0 That’s why I wanted to talk to you.\u00a0 She and Jacob would have to move into the house, which is fine while I’m here, but afterward, you’d have the two of them living with you, and you’d probably have to fight with her about that, because she’s worried that you’d think she’s just marrying me to get a roof over their heads, and she’s already saying that she’ll move back out after I’m gone.”<\/p>\n

Ben forced himself to keep looking at Joe.\u00a0 How casually his son said the words, with just the slightest undercurrent of passion:\u00a0\u00a0after I’m gone .\u00a0.\u00a0. while I’m here, but afterward.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/em>\u00a0 He didn’t try to fool himself that Joe had accepted his impending death so easily, but in these past few days, he’d noticed something different in the way Joe was approaching the issue-calm, almost businesslike, as if it were simply a fact to be considered as he dealt with more important matters.\u00a0\u00a0Almost the way I’d expect Adam to handle it,<\/em>\u00a0he reflected.\u00a0 Even though Joe had always been the hot-headed, emotional one, Ben had always thought his eldest and youngest were more alike than they’d have countenanced.\u00a0 Again, he wondered just what had taken place when he was in Carson City.<\/p>\n

But Joe was still speaking.\u00a0 “I want to write a will putting my share of the Ponderosa in trust for her. Adam says that if I leave it to her outright and she remarries, her husband would get it, so I don’t want to do that, but that also means that my part of the Ponderosa wouldn’t be going to you and Adam and Hoss when I die.”\u00a0 He fell silent for a bit.\u00a0 “In a way, Pa, I suppose it’s just selfish. I want to be with her and I want to take care of her as best I can, but I’m only going to be here for a little while, and then it’s all going to fall to you and Adam and Hoss.”<\/p>\n

Ben regarded his son.\u00a0 The young man had aged so much in the past few months.\u00a0\u00a0It’s not fair,<\/em>\u00a0he thought rebelliously.\u00a0 His son should be able to plan a wedding, a marriage, a life–instead of talking in the same breath about love and death.<\/p>\n

“Joe, just tell me this.\u00a0 Do you love her?”<\/p>\n

“With all my heart.”<\/p>\n

“And she loves you?”<\/p>\n

“She does.\u00a0 I know it.”<\/p>\n

Ben smiled tremulously.\u00a0 “Then you two do whatever it is you want to do,” he said.\u00a0 “And as far as the rest of it goes–Maggie and Jacob will always have family on the Ponderosa, and they’ll always be taken care of.\u00a0 Rest assured of that.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you, Pa,” whispered Joe, eyes brimming.\u00a0 “Thank you.”\u00a0 He reached out, and Ben caught him in a fierce hug, burying his face in his son’s curls. \u00a0From nowhere came the thought: \u00a0fair is whatever God decides it is.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Just one thing, young man,” he said with mock sternness.\u00a0 Joe pulled back, perplexed.\u00a0 With his best strict expression, Ben said, “If you’re planning to get married-you’re going to have to get a haircut!”<\/p>\n

“Well, there is something I have to do first,” said Joe.\u00a0 At his father’s questioning look, he said, “I still need to propose!”<\/p>\n

“Then I suggest you get to it–you’re burning daylight!”\u00a0 Ben got to his feet, his knees creaking, and then offered his son a hand up.\u00a0 As soon as Joe was steady on his feet, he called out for Maggie, and the look on her face made it clear she’d been waiting for his summons.\u00a0 She set down the jar of tea she’d taken from the basket and ran to Joe, laughing with delight.\u00a0 She threw herself into his waiting arms, and Ben heard him whisper, “Marry me.”<\/p>\n

“Yes!”\u00a0 Her joyous laughter rang out.\u00a0 She kissed her fianc\u00e9, and then she flung herself into Ben’s arms.<\/p>\n

“Thank you,” she whispered, just as Joe had done moments earlier, and Ben hugged his future daughter-in-law.\u00a0 Whatever else the day might bring, the joy on the young couple’s faces would stay with him always.<\/p>\n

“So, when are you two planning to tie the knot?” asked Adam after lunch, as they lounged about, enjoying hefty slices of Hop Sing’s spice cake.<\/p>\n

Joe looked at Maggie, grinning.\u00a0 “You busy tomorrow?”<\/p>\n

“I think I could fit something else into my day,” she teased.\u00a0 “What are you doing in the afternoon?”<\/p>\n

“Let’s see–after lunch, probably a nap, then maybe a little work on the ledgers, get married, another nap–I’ve got pretty full day planned,” said Joe.<\/p>\n

“Joseph!” Ben remonstrated, laughing.\u00a0 “You have to give the bride a little time!”<\/p>\n

“A little time’s all we’ve got, Mr.\u00a0Cartwright,” said Maggie, suddenly serious.\u00a0 “The only reason I’m marrying Joe tomorrow is that it’s probably too late to get the preacher out to the house today.”<\/p>\n

Silence fell then, but Joe and Maggie didn’t seem to notice.\u00a0 He was stretched out on a blanket, his head in her lap as she stroked his hair, and both of them looked utterly content, like any other engaged couple.\u00a0 Ben had to swallow hard for reasons having nothing to do with the quality of Hop Sing’s baking.<\/p>\n

“Well, as delightful as this break has been, Hoss and I need to get that last section of fence mended today,” said Adam, getting to his feet.\u00a0 He nudged his sleeping brother with the toe of his boot.\u00a0 “Come on,” he said.\u00a0 “I want to get that fence done before it rains.”<\/p>\n

Hoss opened a sleepy eye.\u00a0 “Ain’t gonna rain,” he said.\u00a0 “My corns are just fine.”<\/p>\n

“Shut up, you big galoot!\u00a0 Could you at least wait until after we’re married to start telling my bride about your corns?”\u00a0 Joe sat up and pelted Hoss with grapes.\u00a0 “He doesn’t really do this a lot, sweetheart,” he added.<\/p>\n

“I talk about my corns every chance I get, ’cause I’m just plain cantankerous and bad-mannered!” announced Hoss, groaning as he got to his feet.<\/p>\n

“You won’t get any argument about that,” added Adam wryly.\u00a0 “Will we see you at the house later?” he asked Maggie.<\/p>\n

She shook her head.\u00a0 “I have to go home and get ready for my wedding,” she said. \u00a0“But I’ll see you tomorrow.”<\/p>\n

“Tomorrow it is, then,” Adam said, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.\u00a0 “Welcome to the family.”<\/p>\n

“You sure are gonna be the prettiest Cartwright,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “And after Little Joe thought he had that all sewed up, too!”<\/p>\n

“What the-see, this is why you have to marry me,” Joe said.\u00a0 “So I can have somebody on my side!”<\/p>\n

“I’m on your side!” announced Jacob, flinging himself into Joe’s lap.<\/p>\n

“Thank you, Jacob,” laughed Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben sat back, enjoying the banter, his heart full.\u00a0 Such a wonderful day, and tomorrow promised to be even better.\u00a0 He stretched out and closed his eyes, just for a minute.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

“JACOB!\u00a0 JOE!”<\/p>\n

Maggie’s scream woke Ben from a sound sleep.\u00a0 “What–what–Maggie, what’s wrong?”<\/p>\n

But the girl was running down toward the river, and Ben felt his heart stop.\u00a0 Joe’s cane lay on the riverbank. \u00a0The little boy was clinging to a log that was jammed against a rock in the middle of the river.<\/p>\n

And Joe was swimming out to him.<\/p>\n

“Joseph!”\u00a0 He ran down the bank after Maggie, who was screaming, first for her son and then for her fianc\u00e9.\u00a0 She clung to Ben, sobbing, as the first raindrops started to fall.<\/p>\n

There had been a time when Joe Cartwright was the strongest swimmer in the family.\u00a0 He’d known how to swim before he could walk.\u00a0 Even though it had been a long time since he’d gone swimming, it was all coming back to him.\u00a0\u00a0Keep kicking.\u00a0 Breathe.\u00a0 Work with the current.<\/em>\u00a0 His brothers’ voices were clear in his mind, even above the thunderous roar and incredible cold of the churning water.<\/p>\n

It felt like forever before he reached the log where Jacob clung, crying.\u00a0 “Jacob!” Joe shouted over the crashing current.\u00a0 “Jacob!”<\/p>\n

“Mr.\u00a0Joe!”\u00a0 The little boy was sobbing hysterically.\u00a0 “I want my mommy!”<\/p>\n

“Jacob, you have to hold onto me, as hard as you can,” shouted Joe.\u00a0 “Don’t let go, not for anything.\u00a0 I’m going to take you to your mommy, but you have to do just what I say.\u00a0 Can you do that?\u00a0 Can you, Jacob?”\u00a0 He kept asking, and finally, the little boy nodded.\u00a0 “Okay, now, I’m gonna tie you to me, but you still have to hang on.”\u00a0 He blessed the moment of forgetfulness that had caused Hoss to leave the lasso behind, even as he struggled to get the loop over both of them.\u00a0 “We’re gonna go now, but you have to hang on!\u00a0 Show me how strong you are!\u00a0 Hang on as tight as you can!”<\/p>\n

He could hear Maggie screaming from the bank.\u00a0 Joe wasn’t normally a praying man, but he found himself begging the Almighty for mercy:\u00a0\u00a0please, God, just let me get Jacob back to her safely.\u00a0<\/em>Please, God, don’t do this. <\/em>Don’t make her bury her son.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

He took a deep breath.\u00a0 “You ready?” he shouted.\u00a0 In response, the little boy he’d tied to his back wrapped his arms around Joe’s torso.\u00a0 “Let’s go!”<\/p>\n

The trip back to shore was so much harder that it was all he could do not to just give up.\u00a0 Buffeted by the current, he struggled to keep their heads above water.\u00a0 He didn’t know if it was the extra weight or just that he was so tired, but he kept going under, and every time he did, the boy panicked and grabbed Joe’s neck.\u00a0My own fault,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0\u00a0I told him to hang on tight.<\/em>\u00a0 He tried to adjust so that he held the boy with one arm, but the current was too strong for anything but a straight-on fight.\u00a0 He was gasping for air now, and he could feel himself getting dizzy.\u00a0 The stabbing in his chest was building.\u00a0\u00a0No, please, not here,<\/em>\u00a0he begged silently.\u00a0\u00a0Let me get him to shore.<\/em><\/p>\n

All at once, Joe felt something grabbing hold of him, hauling him to his feet.\u00a0 He tried to stand, but his legs buckled.\u00a0 He could hear shrieking and crying above the water’s roar now, but he couldn’t catch his breath.\u00a0 He could hear Pa’s voice, but as he tried to speak, everything was drowned out by the screaming pain in his chest that felt as if his heart had finally exploded.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

And suddenly, there was no pain.\u00a0 His breathing was easy and relaxed, and he felt as if he could run for miles and not be winded.\u00a0 The Ponderosa had never looked more glorious–all lush and green, with sparkling waters and breathtaking blue skies.\u00a0 Funny, how he could see all the parts at once–he could see the lake lapping at its shores at the same time that the snow-capped mountains beckoned.\u00a0 The wild mustangs ran free, and the cattle lowed, and the birds sang.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/em><\/p>\n

And there she stood, as beautiful as he remembered.<\/em><\/p>\n

He stood still.\u00a0 “Am I dead?” he asked finally.<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’m not sure that’s been decided,” said Robin.<\/em><\/p>\n

“You said that the next time I saw you, I’d be dead.”\u00a0 He remembered their last encounter as if it had been the night before. \u00a0After he’d returned from San Francisco, in the depths of his depression, she’d come to him. \u00a0In the morning, he’d been uncertain whether she’d really been in his room or whether he’d dreamt her.\u00a0 Now, at last, he knew.<\/em><\/p>\n

“And you might be,” she said, not coming closer.\u00a0 “I don’t know what’s happening.\u00a0 They don’t exactly ask me to approve their plans.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“But they let you come anyway.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.”\u00a0 A thought crossed his mind.\u00a0 “They know you’re here, don’t they?”<\/em><\/p>\n

Her laughter was beautiful, musical.\u00a0 “Well, it’s not exactly a place you can sneak around, you know,” she said.\u00a0 “He knows everything, remember? \u00a0Omniscience, omnipresence, and–I forget the third one.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Omnipotence,” said Joe, surprising himself with his recall from some Sunday morning sermon.\u00a0 “All knowing, all present, and all powerful.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Well, what it all boils down to is that they all keep a pretty close eye on things,” said Robin.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Especially the likes of you, I’d imagine,” he teased.\u00a0 “You’ve already finagled one visit.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“If there’s a list of the ones to watch closely, I suspect I’m probably on it,” she agreed with that breathtaking smile.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Is that why they won’t tell you what’s happening with me?” he asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

“You’ve got such an earthly mind,” she said.\u00a0 “The fact is that what’s happening with you is only one piece of a very, very big puzzle.\u00a0 I don’t know whether they’re going to let you stay with the love of your life or not,” she added.\u00a0 “They don’t tell me that type of thing.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Wait–what are you talking about?\u00a0 What do you mean?\u00a0 They might not let me be with you?”\u00a0 He looked around wildly, as if someone were about to grab his arms and drag him away.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Not me, silly,” she said.\u00a0 “I don’t mean me.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Then who?\u00a0 You mean Maggie?\u00a0 I–I don’t understand–” he stammered, trying to sort out her meaning. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin smiled gently.\u00a0 “Joe, did you think I didn’t know the truth the whole time?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“What truth?\u00a0 What are you talking about?\u00a0 It was you–it was always you, I swear!”\u00a0 Frantically, he tried to run to her, but somehow, he was unable to gain ground.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Okay, stop,” she said, and he did.\u00a0 “Listen to me.\u00a0 I never questioned that you loved me.\u00a0 I never doubted you for a second.\u00a0 I always knew how much you loved me–because I knew what you did for me.”\u00a0 Her blue eyes held his with infinite seriousness and love.\u00a0 “But I wasn’t the love of your life, not really. \u00a0No woman could be. \u00a0I could never have competed, and I’d never have tried.\u00a0 And yet, you gave up it all up for me,” she said quietly.<\/em><\/p>\n

Slowly, the realization dawned.\u00a0 “You mean–“<\/em><\/p>\n

She nodded, and again, he could see it all. The lake and the mountains, the pastures and the streams.\u00a0 The cattle and the horses, the chipmunks and the rabbits.\u00a0 The well-worn trails, and the underbrush so thick even a snake would have a hard time getting through.\u00a0 He could hear the splash of clear, cool water over the rocks, and hoofbeats along the dusty road, and the mooing of new calves in the meadow.\u00a0 He could smell the pine and the vanilla and the fresh, sweet scent of new-mown hay.\u00a0 And he could hear the shouts of laughter and quiet statements of love that were as much a part of the Ponderosa as everything that nature herself had put in place.<\/em><\/p>\n

“But–no, that can’t be right–it’s just land–it’s not–“<\/em><\/p>\n

“I’m not talking about \u2018just land,'” said Robin.\u00a0 “I’m talking about everything-everything you’ve all put into it, everything it is, everything it means.\u00a0 The Ponderosa isn’t just a spot on a map.\u00a0 Believe me, if you stick around here, you’ll see that boundaries on earth don’t mean anything anyway.\u00a0 It’s what you all built, and what you’ve done–and who you are.”\u00a0 She smiled gently.\u00a0 “The Ponderosa was your first, best love, and I knew that.\u00a0 It was always in your music, from the very beginning.\u00a0 All your best work–that was what you were playing.”<\/em><\/p>\n

He said nothing.\u00a0 It was true.\u00a0 From the very first time he’d tried to play his own music–all he’d ever wanted was to recreate the sounds and feelings of the Ponderosa. \u00a0And the time that she’d sung and he’d played–it was the three of them together, a seamless and perfect whole.<\/em><\/p>\n

“When you chose me, you walked away from all that,” Robin said.\u00a0 “You gave up the Ponderosa, and you did it for me.\u00a0 Why did you think I wanted to take you home for Christmas, silly?\u00a0 I wanted to give it back to you.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“But we were just going for a visit–” he began, but she was shaking her head.<\/em><\/p>\n

“No, darling, it wasn’t going to be just a visit,” she said.\u00a0 “If you and your father had been able to work matters out, we were going to stay.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“But you never said anything about staying–what about your singing?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“That’s exactly why I never said anything about staying,” Robin said.\u00a0 “You wouldn’t have gone if you’d thought it meant the end of my singing.\u00a0 Besides, I didn’t want to get your hopes up, just in case you and your father were still a couple of stubborn mules.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“You’d always wanted to be a singer,” Joe protested.\u00a0 “You were willing to give that up?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“You’d already walked away from the love of your life for me,” she said.\u00a0 “It would have been a small thing to sacrifice in return.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“But I can’t even work the ranch–not any more–I messed everything up–” \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

“You certainly did,” she agreed.\u00a0 “But you tried to make it right.\u00a0 You did what you could to make the place run, even when you had to do it from a desk.\u00a0 And now Maggie will raise her son there, and you’ll leave a legacy on the Ponderosa after all.”<\/em><\/p>\n

He stood before her, with so many emotions swirling inside him that he couldn’t name any of them.\u00a0 “It’s really over, isn’t it?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I think so,” she said.\u00a0 “To be honest, love, I tried to suggest something, but it doesn’t look like–wait a minute.”\u00a0 She turned as if listening to something–or to someone.\u00a0 After a bit, she nodded.\u00a0 “Of course,” she said, apparently in response.\u00a0 “Thank you.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“What is it-are they telling you something?\u00a0 Am I really–”\u00a0 He couldn’t finish.<\/em><\/p>\n

All the love he’d ever known in her glowed as she smiled.\u00a0 “He hears the prayers of a righteous man,” she said.\u00a0 “I’ll see you later, my love.”<\/em><\/p>\n

And she was gone.\u00a0 In the next instant, the light and warmth and beauty of the Ponderosa vanished, replaced by cold, wet darkness and searing pain.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/em><\/p>\n

Something pressed along the side of his neck.\u00a0 “He’s got a pulse!\u00a0 Hang on, Joe, hang on!”<\/p>\n

He could hear the frantic desperation in his father’s voice.\u00a0\u00a0It’s all right,<\/em>\u00a0he wanted to say.\u00a0\u00a0Don’t worry so much.\u00a0 I’ll be fine.<\/em>\u00a0 He could feel something wet pelting his face.\u00a0 So unbelievably cold.\u00a0 He’d have given anything for a blanket.<\/p>\n

“Don’t leave us, son, just hold on, we’re going to get you home.”\u00a0 His father was commanding and pleading, all at once.\u00a0 He could hear someone crying-a high, thin voice, like a child.\u00a0\u00a0Don’t make him bury his son,<\/em>\u00a0Doc had said.\u00a0\u00a0I tried not to,<\/em>\u00a0he thought in response.\u00a0\u00a0I did my best.<\/em><\/p>\n

Slowly, other sensations made themselves known.\u00a0 Strong arms holding him close as they were bumped and jostled.\u00a0 The faint smell of bay rum and pipe tobacco lingering on Pa’s shirt.\u00a0 Overwhelming weakness.\u00a0 Agonizing pressure in his chest, pain radiating into his arms, and even his jaw.<\/p>\n

It’s not so bad,<\/em>\u00a0he wanted to say, but he couldn’t make words come out.\u00a0 He couldn’t make himself move.\u00a0\u00a0It’s all right, Pa, I’m fine,<\/em>\u00a0he thought as hard as he could, but no one seemed to hear him.<\/p>\n

Finally, mercifully, the bumping and jostling stopped.\u00a0 Deep voices surrounded him, and he felt someone else beside him, fingers resting on the side of his neck.\u00a0 More voices, and he was being lifted and carried through the rain.\u00a0 Then the rain was no more, and instead he heard boot heels on the wooden floor.\u00a0Home<\/em>.\u00a0 He wanted to smile at the sound of Hop Sing’s distinctive voice, loud and strident over all the others.\u00a0\u00a0Just do what he says,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0\u00a0It’ll go easier for you, believe me.<\/em><\/p>\n

Even with his eyes closed, he recognized the unique comfort of his own bed.\u00a0 Sodden clothes were stripped away, and soft, warm towels caressed his frigid skin.\u00a0 Someone was rubbing his hands and arms, and someone else his legs and feet.\u00a0 A work-hardened hand stroked his brow so tenderly that he knew without opening his eyes who touched him.<\/p>\n

“Pa,” he breathed.<\/p>\n

For a moment, all the sounds stopped.\u00a0 Then, there were scuffling feet and excited voices, and Pa’s rich, gentle voice in his ear. \u00a0“I’m right here, son,” he promised.\u00a0 “You’re going to be all right.\u00a0 You just hang on.\u00a0 You’re going to be fine.”<\/p>\n

I know,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0 He felt something wet fall on his face.\u00a0 Rain in his bedroom.\u00a0 So confusing.\u00a0 He tried to speak, but he couldn’t summon the energy to make a sound, and so his lips parted silently.\u00a0\u00a0Pa<\/em>.<\/p>\n

“I’m right here, Joe,” said Pa, just as if he’d heard.\u00a0 “I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here.\u00a0 You just rest now.”\u00a0 His father’s voice broke then, and another drop landed on Joe’s cheek.\u00a0 He felt his father wipe it away.\u00a0 “Just sleep now, Joe,” said Pa.\u00a0 “There’s nothing to worry about.”<\/p>\n

He hears the prayers of a righteous man,<\/em>\u00a0Joe thought, as he felt himself slip away into blessed, healing sleep.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

“Well?” Joe said impatiently.\u00a0 “How does it sound?”<\/p>\n

Four Cartwrights watched the doctor as he listened to Joe’s chest and then sat back.\u00a0 Doc looked from one man to the next, his patient last.\u00a0 Then, he exhaled, shaking his head.<\/p>\n

Nearly three weeks had passed since Joe’s heart had stopped after he’d pulled Jacob from the river.\u00a0 Even though his recovery had been slow, he had felt no anxiety this time.\u00a0 The pieces had fit together too well, all of them.\u00a0 The crowning touch had been learning that the doctor had stopped at the Ponderosa to take shelter from the storm, just minutes before Maggie drove their wagon into the yard, with Jacob beside her and Ben and Joe in the back. \u00a0Now, the young man knew with absolute certainty what the doctor would say, but he wanted to hear the words spoken out loud.<\/p>\n

“For the life of me, I can’t explain it,” Doc said.\u00a0 He looked Joe straight in the eye.\u00a0 “Your heart sounds as good as any I’ve ever heard.\u00a0 Strong beat, even rhythm, no murmurs, nothing else.”<\/p>\n

“Wait–are you sayin’ he’s cured?” asked Hoss incredulously.<\/p>\n

The doctor smiled. \u00a0“I can’t say that,” he said carefully.\u00a0 “What I can tell you is that, for the first time since Joe’s been back from San Francisco, his heart sounds like a normal, healthy heart.”<\/p>\n

“Well, is there any reason to believe that there’s anything wrong with it?” demanded the ever-skeptical Adam.<\/p>\n

“The past two and a half years,” said the doctor.\u00a0 “But that’s the only reason.\u00a0 His color’s good, his breathing is fine, and I hear no problem at all in his chest.\u00a0 If he walked into my office as a new patient, I’d say he was perfectly healthy.”<\/p>\n

“But?” Ben prodded.<\/p>\n

“But I still think we should take things slowly,” said Doc.\u00a0 “A little bit at a time, don’t overdo, see how it goes.”\u00a0 He looked again from one man to another, knowing the question in each of their minds, and he smiled.\u00a0 “Yes,” he answered.\u00a0 “Not right away, of course–like I said, you still need to take it slow for a while, but–assuming that everything stays as good as it sounds right now–yes, Joe, we can talk about getting you back out doing ranch work.”<\/p>\n

“Yeee-hah!”\u00a0 Hoss whooped, throwing Joe’s pillow into the air.\u00a0 The others burst into relieved laughter.\u00a0 Adam clapped his youngest brother on the shoulder.\u00a0 Joe winked at his father, and Ben squeezed his hand.<\/p>\n

“You did it, son,” he said, under the din.<\/p>\n

“It wasn’t me,” countered Joe.\u00a0 “It was the prayers of a righteous man.”\u00a0 At his father’s questioning look, he laughed.\u00a0 “I’ll tell you all about it someday,” he promised.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Music, light and laughter proclaimed that the party was still in full swing.\u00a0 Hop Sing had been running back and forth from the kitchen all night, refusing all offers of help.\u00a0 This was the biggest event the Ponderosa had ever seen, and he was not about to have anyone say that he hadn’t done the family proud.<\/p>\n

Inside the house, the main room was crowded.\u00a0 Hoss had been dancing all night with Emmy Lou Becker, and Adam was engaged in serious-looking conversation with Amanda Hopkins, the new schoolteacher.\u00a0 Ben and Doc Martin stood by the fireplace, sipping punch as they watched couples swirl around the room.<\/p>\n

“Well, Ben, it looks as if you got your miracle after all,” said the doctor.\u00a0 Watching Joe Cartwright dance with his beautiful bride–well, that was something he’d have once sworn that he’d never see.<\/p>\n

“Doc, I got a whole wagonload of miracles,” said Ben.\u00a0 “And a lot of them are thanks to you.”<\/p>\n

“I’d love take the credit, Ben, but clearly, you’ve got some friends in very high places,” said Doc.\u00a0 “It’s hard for a man of science to admit it, but the truth is, there’s just no earthly explanation.\u00a0 Not for this,” he added as the newly-joined Mr.\u00a0and Mrs.\u00a0Cartwright waltzed by.<\/p>\n

“No, I suppose there’s not,” Ben agreed.\u00a0 “I’m going to get a bit of air.\u00a0 Care to join me?”<\/p>\n

The doctor shook his head.\u00a0 “If I don’t dance with Rose at least once more, I’ll never hear the end of it,” he chuckled.<\/p>\n

Ben slipped through the crowd to the front porch.\u00a0 The crisp autumn air carried the distinctive smell of dried leaves, woodsmoke, and apples.\u00a0 The night sky was as clear as Ben had ever seen, as if every star in the universe had come out for the occasion.<\/p>\n

There’s no earthly explanation,<\/em>\u00a0Ben mused.\u00a0 It was true.\u00a0 By all rational accounts, they should never have had this day.\u00a0 And yet, in spite of all their flaws and failings, their limits and mistakes and doubts, they were here, all of them, celebrating their love for one another.<\/p>\n

Did you see him, my love?\u00a0<\/em>Ben asked silently.\u00a0 Did you see our boy?\u00a0 You’d be so proud of him, cheri. \u00a0And you’d like her.\u00a0 She makes him so happy.\u00a0 He loves her so much. \u00a0They’ll be good together, the way we were.<\/em><\/p>\n

“Pa?”<\/p>\n

His youngest son’s hand rested on his shoulder.\u00a0 Ben turned, smiling.\u00a0 “What are you doing out here?” he asked the groom.<\/p>\n

“Maggie went to check on Jacob,” Joe said.\u00a0 “You sure you want to watch him for two weeks?\u00a0 He can be a handful, you know.”<\/p>\n

“Well, I think I have a little bit of experience with small boys who are \u2018handfuls,'” said Ben.\u00a0 “I’m pretty sure that, between us all, we can manage one more.”\u00a0 He raised an eyebrow, and Joe chuckled.<\/p>\n

“Fine,” he conceded.\u00a0 “We really appreciate you doing this.\u00a0 Of course, don’t be surprised if we end up coming back early.\u00a0 Maggie hasn’t been away from him since he was born.”<\/p>\n

“You sure you want to go away now?\u00a0 We can watch him any time if you’d rather go later.”\u00a0 The honeymoon trip to Sacramento had been planned in detail, but Ben didn’t recall any part of it that couldn’t be rescheduled.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged.\u00a0 “She says she wants to go, so we’re going to try it,” he said.\u00a0 “I don’t care either way.\u00a0 I just want to be with her.\u00a0 I don’t care if it ends up being two weeks in town at the International House.”\u00a0 He yawned.\u00a0 “Oh, I meant to tell you–I finished breaking those last few horses.\u00a0 They need a little bit more work to smooth them out, but you can tell Major Jenkins that they’re just about ready.\u00a0 Give me a week or so after we get back, and they should be all set.”<\/p>\n

Ben wrapped his arm around his son’s shoulders.\u00a0 Never in a million years had he truly expected to see this day, with all its joys.\u00a0 He was about to speak when Joe straightened, as if startled by an unexpected visitor.\u00a0 He looked out into the yard, and a slow smile spread across the young man’s face.<\/p>\n

Perched on the hitching post was a bird.\u00a0 Unusual at this time of night, to be sure, but not completely unheard of.\u00a0 Ben peered more closely.\u00a0 This one hadn’t joined the others in heading south.\u00a0 Its distinctive red breast flashed in the porch light.<\/p>\n

“There you are!”\u00a0 Maggie came outside, her ivory satin gown swishing as Joe turned to her.<\/p>\n

“How’s Jacob?” he asked, drawing her close.<\/p>\n

“Sound asleep,” she said.\u00a0 “And you look like you’re not far behind.”<\/p>\n

“Oh, and you’re fresh as a daisy!” teased Joe, kissing her forehead.\u00a0 “Pa, I think we’re going to call it a night.\u00a0 Thanks so much-it’s been an incredible day.”\u00a0 His eyes glowed with such happiness that Ben’s heart overflowed with love and gratitude.<\/p>\n

“Thank you so much for everything,” echoed Maggie.\u00a0 She stood on tiptoe to kiss Ben’s cheek, placing her fingertips by his eye so casually that she could have been unaware that she was brushing away a tear.<\/p>\n

“It’s been my great pleasure,” Ben said, controlling his voice with some difficulty. \u00a0He cleared his throat, adding, “Now, why don’t you two go and get your things.\u00a0 I’ll be in in a minute.”\u00a0 As the young couple turned toward the door, Ben saw Joe look back for just a moment.\u00a0 Over Maggie’s head, he winked at the bird.\u00a0 Then, he turned his attention back to his bride, and with their arms around each other’s waists, the newlyweds strolled into the house.<\/p>\n

Ben stood on the porch after the door closed, regarding the little winged visitor.\u00a0 Its eyes seemed to be fixed on him.\u00a0 He felt foolish even thinking it, and then he whispered, “Thank you–for everything.”<\/p>\n

And he watched as the robin flew away, into the night sky.<\/p>\n

THE END<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

Author’s note<\/span>:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you so much for reading my story.\u00a0 I’ll be delighted if you’d like to leave a review, but if you do: \u00a0please, please, please-don’t give away the ending<\/span>.<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to tell me what you think of Joe’s miracle or his marriage to Maggie, feel free to send me a PM or e-mail.\u00a0 Thanks!<\/em><\/p>\n

Acknowledgments<\/span>:\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>“The French Piano Player” was the first story I ever posted.\u00a0 Posting the conclusion to that series is a bittersweet experience.\u00a0 Many, many thanks to everyone who has encouraged me throughout this series-you’ve all been so generous in your praise and enthusiasm.\u00a0 Thank you for embracing the idea of Joe Cartwright in this very different world, with abilities and flaws and loves that were outside the scope of the series.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Special thanks to those who have graciously provided assistance with this story:<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Debbie<\/em><\/strong>-Thanks, as always, for your support and encouragement from my very first story.\u00a0 You were the one who suggested that there could even be a sequel to “The French Piano Player.”\u00a0 And, of course, extra-special thanks for recognizing that Joe needed a miracle!\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>Rose<\/em><\/strong>-Thanks so much for your wonderful comments and insights, and especially for suggesting that Adam and Joe make music together!\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>Wrenny-<\/em><\/strong>Many thanks for your enthusiasm throughout this series-and for advising this English rider about western tack!<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Confession<\/span>:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Although Joe’s primary diagnosis was alcohol-induced cardiomyopathy, I freely confess to having taken liberties with the manner in which the disease process manifests itself, as well as with the extent to which medical science would have been able to diagnose and manage this disease in the 1860s.\u00a0 As always, I thank those who have been willing to suspend their disbelief on these and all other matters as to which I have taken liberties for the sake of the story.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/div>\n
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<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: \u00a0In the conclusion to “The French Piano Player” series, the Cartwrights face their greatest challenge as they learn what a man’s heart can bear, and what it means to love–and to let go. \u00a0The previous stories in this series are “The French Piano Player,” “Be Still, My Soul,” and “Doubt”. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T \u00a037,400 words<\/p>\n

The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":4679,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-4649","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":4209,"today_views":1},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1600%2C1200&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4700,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4700","url_meta":{"origin":4649,"position":0},"title":"The French Piano Player – #1 (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0When a violent argument with Ben drives Joe from the Ponderosa, the Cartwrights learn that sometimes, you can look straight at a man and never really see him.\u00a0\u00a0 Rated:\u00a0T \u00a016,300 The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":4695,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4695","url_meta":{"origin":4649,"position":1},"title":"The French Piano Player – #3 – Doubt (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 28, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A serious misunderstanding threatens Joe's relationship with Hoss. This is part of a series and refers to events portrayed in \"The French Piano Player\" and \"Be Still, My Soul.\"\u00a0\u00a0 Rated:\u00a0T \u00a017,000 The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":4683,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4683","url_meta":{"origin":4649,"position":2},"title":"The French Piano Player – #2 – Be Still, My Soul (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"June 28, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0This is the sequel to \"The French Piano Player.\" Joe's return to the Ponderosa proves to be more difficult than he or his family expected, to the point where questions arise as to whether he can stay on the Ponderosa, or whether he will go back to his life as\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":7614,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7614","url_meta":{"origin":4649,"position":3},"title":"Night Music (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0Adam is surprised with a little night music. 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