{"id":4683,"date":"2008-06-28T00:20:37","date_gmt":"2008-06-28T04:20:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4683"},"modified":"2025-02-27T12:12:26","modified_gmt":"2025-02-27T17:12:26","slug":"be-still-my-soul","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4683","title":{"rendered":"The French Piano Player – #2 – Be Still, My Soul (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0<\/span>This is the sequel to “The French Piano Player.” Joe’s return to the Ponderosa proves to be more difficult than he or his family expected, to the point where questions arise as to whether he can stay on the Ponderosa, or whether he will go back to his life as a piano player in San Francisco.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a026,000<\/span><\/p>\n

The French Piano Player Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The French Piano Player<\/a>
\nBe Still My Soul
\n<\/a>Doubt<\/a>
\nThe Love of His Life<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Be Still, My Soul<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Be still my soul:\u00a0 when change and tears are past,\u00a0<\/em><\/div>\n
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
***<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\n

Morning.\u00a0 Bright, sunny morning. \u00a0Invasive morning.<\/strong> \u00a0Light that penetrated the draperies, his eyelids, and his consciousness.\u00a0 Joe wrapped his pillow around his head and turned away from the window.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t remember the last time he\u2019d seen the sunrise, except on his way to bed.\u00a0 He squeezed his eyes shut.<\/p>\n

Mornings were definitely overrated.<\/p>\n

He heard noises in the hallway.\u00a0 Hoss, trying to walk quietly so as not to waken him.\u00a0 Bless Hoss.\u00a0 Who else would have been so concerned about letting him sleep?\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t as if he hadn\u2019t heard them talking, didn\u2019t know how his father and brothers felt. He\u2019d overheard Adam\u2019s comments about his pulling his own weight. He wasn\u2019t pulling his weight; Adam was right, and he knew it.\u00a0 Once, he\u2019d have moved heaven and earth to prove Adam wrong.\u00a0 Now, he just couldn\u2019t figure out a way to make himself care enough.<\/p>\n

It had been nearly a month since he\u2019d returned to the Ponderosa, and he still didn\u2019t feel as if he were home.\u00a0 Home was with Robin, in a cheap rented room on the third floor of a San Francisco tenement.<\/p>\n

Except that Robin was dead.\u00a0 And he was here.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t as if he hadn\u2019t missed his father and brothers.\u00a0 For the entire two years that he\u2019d been gone, not a day had gone by that he hadn\u2019t thought of them, missed them, loved them.\u00a0 What he hadn\u2019t bargained on, though, was what it would take to get back to them.\u00a0 In the end, it had cost him everything.<\/p>\n

His memories of his brothers\u2019 rescue mission were vague.\u00a0 Most of what he knew was reconstructed from other people\u2019s accounts.\u00a0 It was no exaggeration to say that he\u2019d been near death when Hoss had appeared before him, as if in a dream.\u00a0 Adam and a doctor had arrived moments later, and they\u2019d swept him off to the hospital where he\u2019d reconnected with his father and had endured withdrawal from alcohol.\u00a0 Only later did he discover that the only item his brothers had considered worthy to take with them from his room was the picture of his mother.\u00a0 Everything else\u2014Robin\u2019s blue scarf, the combs she\u2019d used to secure her silky dark hair, the journal she would never let him read\u2014all of this had apparently been deemed worthless.\u00a0 By the time he was able to go back, the landlord had cleaned out the room, and all their meager possessions had been thrown away.\u00a0 Even Judith, who had first been Robin\u2019s best friend and, after her death, his own lover, had saved nothing.<\/p>\n

He was back on the Ponderosa now.\u00a0 Everything should have been fine.\u00a0 Somehow, though, the ranch didn\u2019t seem to fit him anymore.\u00a0 It made no sense.\u00a0 He was born in this house, he\u2019d grown up here, and he had always loved everything about living on the ranch.\u00a0 Until Robin, he\u2019d never thought of living anywhere else.\u00a0 The whole time they\u2019d lived in San Francisco, he\u2019d been homesick for the Ponderosa as well as his family.\u00a0 Except for that one day when they\u2019d rented a buggy and driven out into the countryside, he\u2019d gone two years without ever feeling the rough leather of reins in his hands or the power of a horse at his command. \u00a0He\u2019d been so happy that day. \u00a0He\u2019d missed the beauty and grandeur of this land. \u00a0For a long time, he\u2019d compared the bustle and noise and stench of the city to the purity, the majesty, the peace of the Ponderosa. \u00a0When he\u2019d played the piano, he\u2019d tried to recreate in music the sounds and feeling of being here.<\/p>\n

And now that he was here, it was like wearing another man\u2019s boots.\u00a0 Even though the boots were made of the finest materials and fashioned by the most skilled craftsman, they just didn\u2019t fit.<\/p>\n

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, Pa, I\u2019m up.\u201d \u00a0The door opened, and Ben raised his eyebrows at the sight of his youngest son, still lying in bed.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, I\u2019m getting up,\u201d Joe admitted, grinning.<\/p>\n

Ben chuckled.\u00a0 A part of him would have been content just to close the door and leave Joe to sleep as late as he wanted.\u00a0 Two years of having this room stand empty had worked a toll on him that he still didn\u2019t fully appreciate.\u00a0 He knew that he was treating Joe with kid gloves; even if he hadn\u2019t seen it himself, Adam\u2019s comments left no room for question.\u00a0 \u201cPa, he\u2019s not going anywhere,\u201d Adam had said recently.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay to expect him to do what he can, to pull his weight.\u201d\u00a0 But Ben remained cautious, lest he again step over the line and drive his son away, perhaps for good this time.<\/p>\n

He had thought the issue settled.\u00a0 Father and son had talked for hours as Joe convalesced in the hospital and later, in the little house on Hudson Street where they\u2019d lived until Joe was strong enough to travel back to the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Both had admitted fault and asked forgiveness, and both had forgiven.\u00a0 And so Ben was surprised to find that, back in the familiar surroundings, the relationship was not as easy as it had been in San Francisco.\u00a0 The connections that had seemed so solid felt looser here, almost wobbly at times.<\/p>\n

Just yesterday, Ben watched through the window as his youngest son repaired a harness.\u00a0 It was a simple task, one Joe had done more times than he could count, and yet the boy seemed to be challenged by it. \u00a0He started to fit the pieces together, then stopped and undid what he\u2019d done, and started again. \u00a0More than once, and for no apparent reason, Joe\u2019s hands stilled, and he looked off into the distance as if seeing someone who was no longer there.\u00a0 Then, he shook his head quickly and returned his attention to the job at hand, brow furrowed.\u00a0 Ben drew back from the window, troubled.\u00a0 On Hudson Street, he\u2019d have gone out immediately and sat with his son, and they\u2019d have talked about it.\u00a0 Now, Ben found himself afraid, as if one wrong word would send the boy back to San Francisco, or off to parts unknown.<\/p>\n

Ben came out of his reverie to see Joe watching him carefully.\u00a0 The boyish grin had faded as Joe studied his father.\u00a0 Their intense time together in San Francisco, just the two of them, without the distractions of running the ranch, had enhanced and strengthened the bond that had always existed.\u00a0 As he\u2019d matured in these two years, Joe had also grown more perceptive.\u00a0 The result, Ben realized ruefully, was that he could no longer evade the scrutiny of his youngest son.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben smiled.\u00a0 \u201cNothing,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cJust\u2014come down to breakfast when you\u2019re ready.\u201d\u00a0 He pulled the door closed behind him before Joe could inquire further.<\/p>\n

The others were well into their breakfast when Joe came down the stairs.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Little Brother!\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019 delight at seeing him every morning never seemed to fade.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019re you doin\u2019 up so early?\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s dislike of early hours had been well established since his childhood.<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard a rumor that people get up really early around here, so I thought I\u2019d see if it was true,\u201d said Joe, sliding into his seat.\u00a0 He looked around, grinning.\u00a0 \u201cNow that that\u2019s settled, I don\u2019t expect to be doin\u2019 this again.\u00a0 But don\u2019t worry, Older Brother,\u201d he added, waving his coffee cup at Adam.\u00a0 \u201cI promise I\u2019ll be up by lunchtime tomorrow, no matter what.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have no idea how that sets my mind at ease,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 \u201cEggs?\u201d\u00a0 He offered the platter.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNo, thanks,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cJust coffee\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss frowned.\u00a0 The kid was still way too skinny.\u00a0 When they\u2019d found him last fall, there\u2019d been nearly nothing left of him, and there wasn\u2019t much more now.\u00a0 \u201cYou gotta eat somethin\u2019,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cStrong wind\u2019s gonna blow you right away.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never eat in the morning,\u201d said Joe, refilling his cup.<\/p>\n

The table fell silent.\u00a0 Before he\u2019d left with Robin, Joe had always eaten a normal breakfast, just like the rest of them.\u00a0 Apparently, this habit had changed in San Francisco.\u00a0 Whether it was the result of working nights as a saloon piano player or simply being too hung over in the morning to eat, no one was willing to ask.<\/p>\n

Before the silence could become too long and awkward, Ben said, \u201cI\u2019ve got to head into town this morning.\u00a0 What do you boys have on for today?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss and I were going to head up to the north pasture to fix the rest of the fences,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cWe figure it\u2019s about a day, maybe a day and a half, to finish.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could come, too,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cThen we\u2019d be sure to finish in a day.\u201d\u00a0 Maybe getting out and working with his brothers would help him to feel more like he was home.\u00a0 Ever since he was a kid, going off to mend fences was a regular part of his routine.\u00a0 Sometimes, he\u2019d worked alone, with nothing in his mind but what he was doing at that moment.\u00a0 More often, he\u2019d worked with Adam or Hoss, and talk flowed as easy as a stream in early summer, the way it could when men didn\u2019t have to look right at each other.\u00a0 Being in the house was too intense.\u00a0 Maybe out there, they could relax a little.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure you\u2019re up for that?\u201d asked Ben uneasily.\u00a0 Doc Martin had said that Joe still needed to take it easy.\u00a0 They hadn\u2019t discussed the details with Joe, but even he knew that strenuous labor, like digging post holes, was beyond him at this point.\u00a0 There were things that he could do to help mend fences that weren\u2019t all that demanding, but still.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not that hard,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He looked from his father to his brothers. \u00a0Nobody was going to override Pa. \u00a0They didn\u2019t even look like they wanted to. \u00a0\u201cI still remember how to fix a fence,\u201d he said, trying to hide his irritation.\u00a0 Maybe they just wanted to be out there on their own, without him.\u00a0 Without the one they\u2019d had to cover for, search for, rescue.\u00a0 The troublemaker.\u00a0 He felt his face growing hot.<\/p>\n

\u201cNobody\u2019s sayin\u2019 you don\u2019t,\u201d said Hoss, ever the peacemaker.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2014well, you think you\u2019re ready?\u00a0 You been pretty sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean pretty drunk, don\u2019t you?\u201d\u00a0 Joe threw down his napkin and shoved back his chair.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m never gonna live this down, am I?\u00a0 Take a good look, folks, here he is:\u00a0 the family drunk!\u201d\u00a0 He started to storm out of the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s sharp voice stopped him in his tracks.\u00a0 Joe took a deep breath and turned around.\u00a0 To Hoss, he said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Brother.\u00a0 I know what you meant.\u201d\u00a0 To Ben and Adam, he added, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I\u2014I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 He turned, grabbed his jacket, and headed outside.<\/p>\n

The others sat in silence for a long minute.\u00a0 Finally, Adam said, \u201cWell, I, for one, am so glad our young brother made a point of getting up to join us for breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s enough, Adam,\u201d said Ben wearily.\u00a0 Joe had always had a short temper, but these days, it flared without warning, like a sudden summer storm, blowing over just as quickly.\u00a0 \u201cYou two do the fences,\u201d he added.\u00a0 \u201cJoe can go into town with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, he jest wants\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Hoss began.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what he wants,\u201d said Ben. \u00a0Joe wanted things to be back to normal.\u00a0 So did his family. \u00a0\u201cBut he\u2019s not doing anything until Doc Martin says it\u2019s okay, and I doubt the doctor will approve your brother to be out mending fences right now.\u201d\u00a0 He drained his coffee cup.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll see you two tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

He found Joe in the barn, untangling the harness that had fallen from its hook.\u00a0 He watched a moment as Joe worked the leather straps.\u00a0 \u201cYour brother didn\u2019t mean anything,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cAnd neither did I.\u00a0 We\u2019re just concerned about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t look up from the harness.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like you to go into town with me today,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cYou haven\u2019t seen Doc Martin in nearly two weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n

This time, Joe looked up.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m doin\u2019 fine,\u201d he said with the slightest touch of belligerence.\u00a0 \u201cI am,\u201d he added, catching his father\u2019s expression.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen it won\u2019t hurt to have Doc Martin take a look at you,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cAnd if he says you\u2019re up to heavier work, then fine.\u00a0 You can do whatever he says.\u201d\u00a0 And if, as Ben expected, the doctor said he couldn\u2019t do anything heavier\u2014well, at least Joe wouldn\u2019t blame his father.
\nTwo hours later, Joe sat in Doc Martin\u2019s office, buttoning his shirt.\u00a0 \u201cWell?\u201d he demanded.\u00a0 \u201cHow am I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re coming along,\u201d said Doc Martin.\u00a0 He scribbled on the paper where he\u2019d recorded Joe\u2019s recent visits.\u00a0 \u201cAre you eating better?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m eating fine,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I asked your father, what would he say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted.\u00a0 \u201cPa doesn\u2019t think Hoss eats enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor smiled.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re probably right, but Hoss isn\u2019t my patient right now,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cAnd if you don\u2019t eat, you\u2019re not going to get stronger.\u201d\u00a0 He made another note.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like to see you in a week.\u201d
\n\u201cA week?\u00a0 It was two last time!\u201d<\/p>\n

Doc Martin consulted his notes.\u00a0 \u201cSo it was,\u201d he agreed.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s do one week this time anyway.\u00a0 A lot more rest, no work.\u00a0 Three full meals a day.\u00a0 No alcohol.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo<\/em> work?\u00a0 Not even what I\u2019ve been doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re doing too much,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s try a complete break for a week and see what happens.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you said I was getting better!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said you were coming along,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cBut you\u2019re not well yet.\u00a0 Joe, I\u2019m not sure you understand just how seriously ill you were.\u00a0 Your doctor in San Francisco had pretty much given you up for dead when the hospital admitted you.\u00a0 From what I\u2019ve read in his notes, that was a pretty reasonable view.\u00a0 As far as I can tell, if Adam and Hoss hadn\u2019t found you when they did, it would probably have been too late\u2014and I mean, if they\u2019d come by a day or two later.\u00a0 You did quite a job on yourself, and you did it for an entire year.\u00a0 The fact that you\u2019re alive at all is nothing short of a miracle.\u00a0 You need to give yourself a decent rest in order to recover.\u00a0 The human body isn\u2019t built to endure what you did to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, this is all my fault,\u201d said Joe, tucking in his shirttail.\u00a0 Was there anyone who wasn\u2019t blaming him?<\/p>\n

\u201cNot all,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cDifferent people handle loss differently.\u00a0 Yours hit you harder than some, I don\u2019t know why.\u00a0 You\u2019re the one who poured the whiskey down your throat, and for that, yes, you\u2019re responsible.\u00a0 But how your body handled it\u2014everybody\u2019s different.\u00a0 Some men could have drunk as much as you did or more and survived, and others wouldn\u2019t have lasted a month at that rate.\u00a0 There\u2019s only so much a man can do about that.\u00a0 So yes, it\u2019s partly your fault, but only partly, so stop feeling so guilty about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was startled.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t\u2014\u201d\u00a0 The doctor raised an eyebrow, and Joe broke off.\u00a0 \u201cHow did you know?\u201d he asked finally.<\/p>\n

\u201cI brought you into this world,\u201d said Doc Martin.\u00a0 \u201cI think I know you pretty well by now.\u00a0 You\u2019ve always been one to blame yourself, whether you should or not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe said nothing for a long moment.\u00a0 Finally, he admitted, \u201cI need to get back to work.\u00a0 Even if it\u2019s just fixing fences, and stuff like that.\u00a0 I need to be out there working with Adam and Hoss.\u201d\u00a0 I need to pull my weight, he wanted to say.\u00a0 I need to make up for what I did to my family.\u00a0 I need to know if I can still be here.\u00a0 I need to know if the Ponderosa is still my home.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you need is to be resting and taking care of yourself,\u201d said the doctor. \u00a0The young man looked unconvinced. \u00a0He was going to need the whole truth. \u00a0\u201cJoe, I\u2019m hearing something in your chest that I don\u2019t like.\u00a0 I\u2019m hoping it\u2019s nothing and that it\u2019ll clear on its own.\u00a0 That\u2019s why you need to take it easy and take better care of yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn my chest?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour heart,\u201d admitted Doc Martin.\u00a0 \u201cThe rhythm\u2019s not right.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if it\u2019ll correct itself or not, but I\u2019m hoping.\u00a0 You can help by not exerting yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it\u2019s just happening now?\u201d\u00a0 This didn\u2019t make sense.
\n\u201cIt\u2019s been there since you came home,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cProbably a long time before then, if the truth be known.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mention it before, because as long as you were still in bed, there was a chance it would clear without my having to worry you.\u00a0 I\u2019m telling you now because I have a feeling that, if I don\u2019t, you\u2019ll be out at the corral with the broncs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe thought for a moment.\u00a0 \u201cDoes Pa know?\u201d\u00a0 Doc nodded.\u00a0 \u201cBut you didn\u2019t tell me.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe we were wrong not to,\u201d admitted the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cIt was a judgment call, based on your condition at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose idea was it not to tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor hesitated.\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cYour father and I agreed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was his idea.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs a physician, I agreed with him,\u201d said the doctor firmly.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 In the end, there it was\u2014Pa and the doctor, two old friends, against the kid.\u00a0 The doctor was right.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 He knew what was really wrong with his heart.\u00a0 He\u2019d heard of people dying of a broken heart.\u00a0 He\u2019d just never believed before that it was possible.<\/p>\n

He returned to the primary issue.\u00a0 \u201cYou said \u2018rest\u2019.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t have to stay in bed or anything like that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBedrest would be ideal, but I know you,\u201d said the doctor, relieved at the change of focus.\u00a0 \u201cSo I\u2019ll settle for telling you to rest for now, and we\u2019ll see how that goes.\u00a0 If it doesn\u2019t improve, though, bedrest will be the next step.\u201d<\/p>\n

The jangle of the bell on the door heralded Ben\u2019s arrival.\u00a0 As he entered the doctor\u2019s office, he saw his son and the doctor coming out of the examining room.\u00a0 Both looked somber.\u00a0 \u201cIs everything all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Doc and Joe exchanged glances, and Joe nodded.\u00a0 As the doctor explained his concerns and instructions, Joe looked at the floor, out the window, and everywhere except at his father.\u00a0 As if he hadn\u2019t put his family through enough already, he reflected.\u00a0 He was back, but he might just as well not be, for all the use he was.\u00a0 A thought occurred to him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna be okay, aren\u2019t I?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what we\u2019re aiming for,\u201d said the doctor.<\/p>\n

Aiming for.\u00a0 If there was one thing Joe Cartwright knew, it was that you didn\u2019t always hit what you were aiming for.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

March was coming in like a lion this year.\u00a0 By the time Joe and Ben had reached the house, the winds had picked up, and a mix of snow and rain was beginning to swirl around them.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam appeared hours later, drenched and shivering.\u00a0 Privately, Ben congratulated himself on having forbidden his youngest son to go with them.\u00a0 No point in asking for trouble.<\/p>\n

After dinner, the family gathered around the fire.\u00a0 As Ben watched Joe and Hoss playing checkers and Adam tuning his guitar, his heart was full.\u00a0 Adam caught Ben\u2019s eye and nodded slightly, a small, private smile playing on his lips.\u00a0 He knew what it meant to his father to have them all home again.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t realized just what a hole Joe\u2019s absence had left until the kid returned.\u00a0 Finding him had required long hours, lots of travel, a fair bit of money, and a wagonload of luck\u2014or grace, as his father called it.\u00a0 Other things\u2014even important things\u2014had gone unattended to, while Hoss and Adam searched for their brother like a pair of detectives in one of Joe\u2019s dime novels.\u00a0 But now, they were together again, and life could return to normal.<\/p>\n

Adam plucked the strings of his guitar and launched into one of his favorite songs, \u201cEarly One Morning.\u201d\u00a0 Halfway through the first verse, he realized that Joe was stifling a giggle.\u00a0 Perturbed, he stopped.\u00a0 \u201cMay I ask what is so funny?\u201d he inquired archly.<\/p>\n

As soon as Adam stopped singing, Joe stopped stifling, and he roared with laughter.\u00a0 It was the first time since they\u2019d found him in San Francisco that anyone had heard him laugh.\u00a0 \u201cSorry, Older Brother,\u201d Joe said finally, wiping his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2014no, don\u2019t worry, just keep singing.\u201d\u00a0 He tried to choke back the laughter, but it burst forth like a river that would not be dammed up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat in tarnation is so funny?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss was so tickled to hear his little brother\u2019s laughter that he was joining in without even knowing the joke.<\/p>\n

Joe laughed so hard that he started coughing.\u00a0 He reached past Hoss for the teacup sitting on the coffee table.\u00a0 The habit he\u2019d developed on Hudson Street of a nightly cup of tea had stuck.\u00a0 He sipped the tea to relieve the coughing and sat back, still chuckling.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, it\u2019s nothin\u2019 personal, Adam,\u201d Joe began.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing personal that you\u2019re laughing at my singing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not you,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s the song.\u00a0 Robin really hated that song.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that\u2019s funny?\u201d\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t understand the joke.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot that, but\u2014you know how things go.\u00a0 It\u2019s a saloon song, and sooner or later, somebody\u2019d always ask her to sing it.\u00a0 Well, every now and again, if she hadn\u2019t had to sing it in a while, I\u2019d get somebody to ask for it, just to liven things up. \u00a0We always had fun watching her try to hide how much she just didn\u2019t want to sing it. Ruthie or Eileen\u2019d tell some sailor that they just loved that song, and\u2014well, you know how sailors are.\u00a0 They\u2019ll do pretty much anything if they think it\u2019ll get them upstairs for an hour.\u00a0 Not you, Pa,\u201d he added hastily. \u00a0If his father\u2019s youthful seafaring days had ever included behavior like that have the sailors who\u2019d docked in their port, he preferred not to know about it.\u00a0 \u201cBut the ones in San Francisco.\u00a0 So, the girls\u2019d say they wanted to hear the song, and the sailors would ask for it, and Robin would have to sing it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, eventually, she figured out what was going on.\u00a0 So, when they\u2019d ask for it, she\u2019d say that she didn\u2019t know the words.\u00a0 But one time, there was this cardsharp who asked for the song.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a setup\u2014the guy really wanted to hear it\u2014but Robin thought it was my doing and she wasn\u2019t gonna sing it.\u00a0 So, she just says she doesn\u2019t know the words and does he want to hear something else.\u00a0 The guy gets up, strolls over to the piano, and stuffs a fifty-dollar bill in our glass and says, \u2018Are you sure you can\u2019t remember the words?\u2019\u00a0 Fifty dollars\u2014that was a whole month\u2019s worth of tips, right there.\u00a0 And Robin looks up at him, all five-foot-nothin\u2019 of her, and he had to be as tall as Hoss, and she gives him that smile she had that could just light up a room, and she says, \u2018For that, I can remember both verses.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dBoth\u2019?\u00a0 That song has four or five verses,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cActually, I\u2019ve heard as many as seven,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cAnd for fifty dollars, I\u2019d have played all seven verses, and I\u2019d have done it with a smile.\u00a0 But this guy got two verses for fifty bucks, and Robin gave such a performance that he was happy about it!\u201d\u00a0 He sipped his tea, chuckling.\u00a0 \u201cI always wondered if the guy might have thought his money was buying him something else, but as soon as the song was over, we went on break, and I made damned sure he knew that Robin was my wife.\u201d\u00a0 His eyes clouded for a moment, then cleared.\u00a0 \u201cAnd she got that fifty out of the glass real fast and slipped it to me for safekeeping.\u00a0 We ended up splitting it with Ruthie, because she kept the guy distracted for a while after that, just to make sure he didn\u2019t change his mind.\u201d\u00a0 He sat back, smiling.\u00a0 \u201cThose were good times,\u201d he said reflectively.\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t have two nickels to rub together some days, but damn, we had fun.\u201d\u00a0 He drained his teacup.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Hoss, it\u2019s your move.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Oh, okay.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss turned his attention to the checkerboard.\u00a0 Joe chuckled softly, remembering.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t notice the troubled expression in Ben\u2019s eyes or the look Adam shot his father.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s hands flew over the keyboard.\u00a0 He\u2019d never played so well.\u00a0 The notes sparkled, clear and pure, precise and elegant.\u00a0 His left hand maintained a rich, full bass as his right fashioned a delicate filigree that rang like crystal. The beautiful woman stood in the curve of the grand piano.\u00a0 Her dark hair shone in the stage lights of the concert hall.\u00a0 Her blue silk dress molded her impeccable figure.\u00a0 He nodded, and she opened her mouth to sing.<\/em><\/p>\n

Just as she began to sing, shots came from the audience.\u00a0 \u201cGet down!\u201d he yelled.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t move from the piano bench.\u00a0 She continued to stand by the piano.\u00a0 She kept singing, and he kept playing.\u00a0 \u201cGet down!\u201d he yelled again.\u00a0 Bullets struck her.\u00a0 Bright red blood poured down her sapphire dress.\u00a0 Still, she kept singing and he kept playing.\u00a0 \u201cYou have to stop!\u201d he shouted over the gunshots, her singing, and his inexplicable piano playing.\u00a0 Bullets continued to fly.\u00a0 He saw one, curiously slow, making its way toward her.\u00a0 It hit her forehead, and blood gushed forth.\u00a0 Finally, she closed her eyes and her mouth.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cRobin!\u201d he screamed, lunging for her as she fell.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u00a0 Joseph!\u00a0 Wake up, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a dream.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe opened his eyes.\u00a0 His father sat on the bed beside him, shaking his shoulder.\u00a0 Why was his father in their room?\u00a0 Where was Robin?\u00a0 \u201cWhere is she?\u00a0 Is she all right?\u201d\u00a0 He floundered to a sitting position, trying to catch his breath, oblivious to the tears running down his cheeks.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was a dream, son,\u201d Ben said gently, holding him steady.\u00a0 Joe had had these nightmares regularly on Hudson Street, but this was the first time since he\u2019d come home.<\/p>\n

The door opened, and Adam and Hoss came in.\u00a0 \u201cYou okay, Little Brother?\u201d asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I\u2019m okay,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He knew where he was now.\u00a0 More important, he knew who lived here\u2014and who didn\u2019t. \u00a0He drew a deep breath to brace himself against the inevitable wave of grief that washed over him every time he woke from a dream to find her gone.\u00a0 He ran his hand through his hair to buy a moment.\u00a0 With only a slight quaver in his voice, he said, \u201cSorry to wake everybody.\u201d\u00a0 He wiped the wetness from his face with a corner of the sheet.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want something to drink?\u201d asked Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God, yes,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 At this moment, he\u2019d gladly trade his hard-won health and sobriety for the oblivion that comes in a bottle.<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s head snapped around to glare at his eldest son.\u00a0 Adam bit his lower lip.\u00a0 \u201cI meant water or tea, or something like that,\u201d he clarified.
\n\u201cOh,\u201d said Joe, caught.\u00a0 A man\u2019s habits don\u2019t change overnight.\u00a0 \u201cTea sounds good,\u201d he lied.\u00a0 He moved to get out of bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cStay there, I\u2019ll bring it up,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth as if to argue.\u00a0 After a moment, he said, \u201cThanks, Brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

After Adam and Hoss had gone downstairs, Ben asked quietly, \u201cWhich one was it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe concert hall,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 There were four different settings for the dream\u2014a concert hall, a saloon, someone\u2019s living room, and a meadow\u2014but the events were always the same.\u00a0 No matter what he said in the dream, Robin kept singing until the last bullet struck.<\/p>\n

\u201cI told her to stay down,\u201d Joe said, as if he hadn\u2019t told his father the story dozens of times already.\u00a0 \u201cBut when she saw I was hit, she came to me.\u00a0 If she\u2019d stayed where she was, she\u2019d have been safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 He still remembered how Inger had handed baby Hoss to Adam and grabbed a rifle.\u00a0 If she had stayed in the corner with the boys, the way he\u2019d said to, the arrow wouldn\u2019t have killed her.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the only one who does,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cIf only she\u2019d listened . . . .\u201d\u00a0 Tears welled up again, and Ben handed him a handkerchief.<\/p>\n

They sat in silence until Adam and Hoss returned with the tea.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d said Joe, accepting the cup.\u00a0 He leaned back against the pillows his father had propped up and sipped.\u00a0 \u201cIs this one of Hop Sing\u2019s herb teas?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYep,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cI think it\u2019s the one that\u2019s supposed to help you sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think?\u201d \u00a0Joe raised his eyebrows.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if we\u2019re wrong, I guess we\u2019ll know soon enough,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess we will,\u201d Joe said, forcing a smile.\u00a0 Nothing was going to make him feel better, but he loved them for trying.<\/p>\n

The next morning, Joe awoke to overcast skies.\u00a0 It was impossible to tell the time.\u00a0 He\u2019d fallen asleep after drinking the tea, with his father still by his side.\u00a0 This time, his sleep had been deep and blessedly dreamless.<\/p>\n

He listened and heard nothing.\u00a0 No footsteps, no voices.\u00a0 He threw back the covers and fumbled for his dressing gown.\u00a0 It couldn\u2019t be too early for everyone to be up; even with the cloud cover, there was too much light.\u00a0 He opened the door and listened.\u00a0 Still nothing.\u00a0 He padded down the hall to the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n

Ben was seated at his desk, surrounded by papers.\u00a0 He seemed utterly content as he made notes on a document.\u00a0 Neither Adam nor Hoss was anywhere to be seen.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben looked up, smiling broadly.\u00a0 \u201cMorning, son,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat time is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost ten.\u201d\u00a0 Ben laid down his pen and rose.\u00a0 \u201cDid you sleep well?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost ten?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was incredulous.\u00a0 \u201cWhy did you let me sleep so late?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cObviously, you needed to,\u201d said his father matter-of-factly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Pa\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t even know what to say.\u00a0 This was beyond strange.\u00a0 Granted, Doc Martin had said that he needed to rest, but sleeping until ten o\u2019clock was just unheard-of on a working ranch.\u00a0 The only times he\u2019d ever slept that late were when he was truly sick.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you go on back to bed?\u00a0 I\u2019ll have Hop Sing bring up a tray for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause I\u2019m not sick!\u201d\u00a0 What was going on? \u00a0He\u2019d heard everything the doctor had told his father.\u00a0 There couldn\u2019t possibly be any more secrets. \u00a0\u201cPa, Doc just said I need to rest.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say I had to stay in bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you\u2019ll rest better in bed,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 His casual manner belied his own anxiety.\u00a0 If rest was good, bedrest was better.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, Doc said you\u2019re not to be working, so there\u2019s no reason for you to be up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat doesn\u2019t even make sense!\u00a0 Pa, I\u2019m fine.\u00a0 He just doesn\u2019t want me to do anything strenuous.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m not busting broncs or digging post holes or herding cattle.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean I have to spend the next week in bed!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, you need to rest, and I think you should do it in bed.\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s pleasant tone was slipping.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to upset the boy\u2014that couldn\u2019t be good for his heart\u2014but he wasn\u2019t going to brook any interference, either.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut there\u2019s no need!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to get dressed, and I\u2019m going to come downstairs, just like a normal, healthy person.\u201d\u00a0 This was ridiculous.\u00a0 What was his father trying to do?\u00a0 He was a grown man, and he could decide for himself whether he needed to be in bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you\u2019re not a healthy person!\u00a0 There\u2019s something wrong with your heart, and I\u2019m not taking any chances with that!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNeither am I!\u201d\u00a0 shouted Joe.<\/p>\n

The front door opened, and Adam walked in.\u00a0 At the sight of Joe in his dressing gown, he asked, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Joe emphatically.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Ben at the same time.<\/p>\n

Adam looked from one to the other.\u00a0 \u201cOkay,\u201d he said slowly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d said Joe, glaring at his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s going back to bed,\u201d said Ben, ignoring his son\u2019s anger.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no reason for me to be in bed,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d he demanded as Adam shook his head, grinning.<\/p>\n

\u201cI seem to remember this conversation from somewhere,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 \u201cI think you might have been seven at the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam!\u201d snapped Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, he\u2019s a grown man,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cIf he needs to be in bed, he\u2019ll go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Older Brother,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He turned on his heel and headed back to his room to dress.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd if that\u2019s settled, I could use a hand in the barn when you\u2019re ready,\u201d Adam called after him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s not to be working,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s nothing physical,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m just rearranging some things, and I could use an opinion.\u201d\u00a0 Once he was sure Joe was out of earshot, he said quietly, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to give him some breathing space, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe doesn\u2019t need breathing space,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cHe needs a heart that works properly.\u00a0 Doc seems to think that resting will help, so I\u2019m going to see that he rests if I have to sit on him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe can have both,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cLook, Pa, I\u2019m no expert on any of this, but you know as well as I do that something\u2019s just not right\u2014and it\u2019s not his heart,\u201d he added as Ben opened his mouth to interrupt.\u00a0 \u201cI know you\u2019ve noticed it.\u00a0 Last night, when he was talking about Robin and that song\u2014that\u2019s the first time since he\u2019s been back that he\u2019s shown any enthusiasm about anything. \u00a0I don\u2019t think it\u2019s a coincidence that it had nothing to do with us or the Ponderosa.\u00a0 Now, I don\u2019t know the answer, but I just don\u2019t think that leaving him upstairs in bed, by himself all day, is it.\u00a0 Even if he just sits out in the barn with me and never lifts a finger, it\u2019s got to be better for him than lying in bed, doing nothing except thinking about Robin.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben considered this for a long moment.\u00a0 Finally, he met his eldest son\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t lose him again,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 \u201cI just can\u2019t take that chance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, Pa,\u201d said Adam softly.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll take good care of him.\u201d\u00a0 He stepped back as Joe bounded down the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee you later, Pa,\u201d said Joe cheerfully, grabbing his jacket.<\/p>\n

Ben nodded, not trusting his voice.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, this is what I was thinking,\u201d said Adam with uncharacteristic cheer.\u00a0 \u201cIf we move the tack over here, and store the tools over there\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d\u00a0 Joe interrupted.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly how stupid do you think I am?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam started to make an excuse to keep up the fa\u00e7ade, but he stopped himself before the first word.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re stupid,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you think Pa is?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head.\u00a0 He pulled up a stool and sat facing his brother, who was seated on the feed box.\u00a0 \u201cI thought you might want a break from being under his thumb, that\u2019s all,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t put it to Pa quite that way, but close.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a long moment, Joe looked down at his boots.\u00a0 When he met Adam\u2019s gaze, the younger man\u2019s eyes were dark with misery.\u00a0 Adam moved closer to his brother.\u00a0 \u201cTalk to me,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth, but no sound issued.\u00a0 He closed his eyes against the tears that threatened.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do,\u201d he said at last.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout anything,\u201d confessed Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s like all the answers are locked up in a box, but nobody knows where the key is.\u201d\u00a0 He met Adam\u2019s gaze, and Adam saw the flames of a distant agony lingering in his brother\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean for things to turn out like this.\u00a0 Nobody sets out to become a drunk.\u00a0 But after Robin died, it just hurt too much. \u00a0Such a damned coward. \u00a0Pa could handle losing three wives, but I couldn\u2019t handle losing one.\u00a0 Whiskey numbed me enough that I could survive.\u201d\u00a0 He closed his eyes again.\u00a0 \u201cI almost didn\u2019t play anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlaying made me feel,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cAt first, it was so hard, and that\u2019s when I really started drinking.\u00a0 Then, playing became the only thing I could do.\u00a0 It was a way to keep Robin with me, especially when I played our songs.\u00a0 When I\u2019d stop, I\u2019d lose her all over again, and I had to be drunk to survive losing her every night.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t stop playing until I was so far gone I could hardly stand up.\u00a0 Otherwise, I\u2019d feel it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you played since you got out of the hospital?\u201d asked Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cI tried, once,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cJust before you and Hoss came for Christmas.\u00a0 Pa went with me to the Singing Dove.\u00a0 I had to see the place one more time.\u00a0 It was so different, though.\u00a0 Maybe it was because I wasn\u2019t used to seeing it in the daytime, or sober.\u00a0 The only times I was there in the daytime were when Robin was rehearsing.\u00a0 I tried to play that day, but it was like I\u2019d never touched a piano before.\u00a0 There was nothing\u2014no life, no imagination, nothing.\u00a0 Pa didn\u2019t know the difference\u2014at least, if he did, he didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 But I knew.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you came home,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe had the grace to look ashamed.\u00a0 \u201cIt wasn\u2019t just that,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI really did want to be back here with you all.\u00a0 I thought I could have my old life back.\u00a0 I thought I could be the old Joe. \u00a0I even thought I could live without the piano, whiskey, Robin. \u00a0But it\u2019s like my old self isn\u2019t here anymore.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know where he is.\u201d\u00a0 He met Adam\u2019s eyes again.\u00a0 The flame intensified.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I can\u2019t even go looking for him because of what I\u2019ve done to myself. Drinking too much messes up your heart.\u00a0 Did you know that? Talk about shooting myself in the foot. \u00a0Do you know Pa wouldn\u2019t even let me ride Cochise into town yesterday?\u00a0 We had to take the buckboard\u2014too much exertion to ride.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been in a saddle since the day I got married.\u201d\u00a0 Tears welled up in the hazel eyes.\u00a0 Adam reached out and rested a hand on his brother\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 As the sobs began to shake the slender frame, Adam moved from the stool to sit beside Joe on the feed box, his arms around his brother.\u00a0 It had been a long time since Joe had turned to him for comfort.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve only been back for a few weeks,\u201d Adam murmured.\u00a0 \u201cGive yourself some time.\u00a0 Everything\u2019ll work out somehow.\u201d\u00a0 He held his brother close, praying that he was right.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The week passed with glacial slowness.\u00a0 When he\u2019d come in from the barn, Joe had returned to his bed as if exhausted.\u00a0 Ben felt slightly triumphant; clearly, he\u2019d been right.\u00a0 The boy needed more rest than he thought.\u00a0 Granted, in the past, they\u2019d practically had to force Joe to stay when he was ill.\u00a0 Only on the most superficial level did the notion that he might voluntarily agree to bedrest make any sort of sense.\u00a0 Still, Ben accepted it, pushing out of his mind the tiny suspicion that something else might be brewing.<\/p>\n

Joe lay in bed, awake and silent.\u00a0 When someone came to his room, he would rouse himself to speak, but when he was alone, he neither read nor slept.\u00a0 Instead, his mind journeyed back to the brief, sweet days of his marriage.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cI have an idea,\u201d Robin whispered, kissing Joe\u2019s earlobe.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re gonna have to give me a few more minutes,\u201d grinned Joe as his breathing returned to normal.\u00a0 One of the advantages to working nights was having long, lazy mornings in which to make love.\u00a0 The wind and the early spring rain swirled outside their windows.\u00a0 The dingy little room felt positively cozy.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t mean that,\u201d she giggled, snuggling against him.\u00a0 \u201cI was thinking of something else.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever it is, we can\u2019t afford it, so I guess we\u2019ll just have to stay right here,\u201d Joe murmured.\u00a0 Robin once joked that lovemaking was the only form of entertainment their meager budget would allow.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we probably can afford it, if we start planning now.\u201d\u00a0 She twisted his curls around her fingers.\u00a0 \u201cI always wanted curly hair,\u201d she said wistfully.\u00a0 \u201cMine always went straight as string, no matter what I did to it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cPreacher said when we got married that the two of us became one,\u201d Joe reminded her.\u00a0 \u201cSo, Mrs.\u00a0DeMarigny, that means this is your hair, too.\u201d\u00a0 He kissed her sleepily.\u00a0 \u201cJust as long as you don\u2019t want to dye it or something.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDrat,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I was so looking forward to having bright red curls.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThat was your idea?\u201d\u00a0 Joe raised an eyebrow.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, darling, I had a different idea,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cYou have a birthday coming up at the end of October.\u201d\u00a0 She paused.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you\u2019ll be twenty-one.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLooking forward to the day you won\u2019t be a cradle robber any more?\u201d he teased.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, \u2018Little Joe\u2019\u2014\u201d she began with mock severity.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, okay,\u201d he said hastily.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not a cradle robber.\u00a0 Much\u2014ow!\u201d\u00a0 He rubbed his arm where she\u2019d pinched him.\u00a0 \u201cSo, why is my birthday so interesting to you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019ll be a legal adult,\u201d Robin said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSince when do you care about that?\u201d Joe asked.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSince I was thinking that maybe we could go away for Christmas.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGo away?\u00a0 To where?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cThe Ponderosa.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Joe sat up.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin sat up beside him.\u00a0 \u201cYou haven\u2019t seen your family since we got married last fall,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s already April.\u00a0 By Christmas, it\u2019ll be more than a year. \u00a0But in another six months, you\u2019ll be twenty-one. \u00a0Even if they still don\u2019t approve of our marriage, there won\u2019t be anything they can do about it.\u00a0 Your father can\u2019t have our marriage annulled once you\u2019re of age.\u00a0 The worst thing they can do then is to still hate me\u2014and then, at least we\u2019ll know we tried.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t take you anywhere that someone might hate you,\u201d said Joe, his gaze hardening.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d she said softly.\u00a0 \u201cBut I\u2019m betting that when they see you, they\u2019ll be so happy that you\u2019re there that they won\u2019t care so much about me.\u00a0 Besides, I\u2019ll bet Hoss would even like me.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLovely lady, anybody who got to know you would adore you,\u201d Joe said, holding her close.\u00a0 She never ceased to amaze him.\u00a0 Nobody but Robin would do this.\u00a0 He knew without asking that she\u2019d been thinking this plan through for a long time.\u00a0 She probably knew exactly how much they would need to save each week in order to afford stage fare, and she likely had ideas about what Christmas presents they would take.\u00a0 And all this to spend Christmas with people who had rejected her without even meeting her, just because she knew that he missed his family.\u00a0 If they couldn\u2019t see how wonderful she was after this, he would shake the dust of the Ponderosa off his boots and never look back.<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin kissed his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cWe don\u2019t have to decide today,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s just something to think about.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe stroked her silken hair.\u00a0 \u201cYou are the most incredible woman I have ever known,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 He drew his wife into his arms and kissed her deeply, hungrily.\u00a0 \u201cI love you so much, my darling.\u201d\u00a0 He lay her down beside him.\u00a0 There, in their tiny rented room, the young couple held each other so tightly that the two were very nearly one. <\/em><\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

A month later, they went for that buggy ride in the countryside. It was the only time he\u2019d ever driven a horse with her.\u00a0 He still remembered how absurdly proud he felt when she praised him for his skill. \u00a0The warmth of the sun, the faint smell of the salt air mingling with the stronger scent of the grasses and the horse, the breeze that played with her silken hair, the nearness of the woman he loved\u2014all of it was so intoxicating that when he saw a secluded little copse of trees, he drove right off the road, secured the horse, and swept her out of the buggy.\u00a0 A month after that, Robin told him that he was going to be a father.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure?\u201d\u00a0 For a minute, the world stood utterly still.<\/em><\/p>\n

She nodded, uncharacteristically shy.\u00a0 She looked up at him through her long lashes.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure,\u201d she admitted.<\/em><\/p>\n

He waited to feel something, anything.\u00a0 It was as if there had been an explosion, and everything inside him had been blown clean out of there.\u00a0 His body was nothing more than an eggshell filled with air.\u00a0 She\u2019s pregnant, he told himself.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to be a father.\u00a0 His mind was blank.\u00a0 He felt nothing.<\/em><\/p>\n

A moment later, in a giant swoosh, almost every emotion he had ever felt swirled up in him, violently, like a tornado.\u00a0 He stood stockstill, barely breathing.\u00a0 All he could see was Robin.\u00a0 Everything around her had dissolved like sugar in coffee.\u00a0 Nothing else existed.\u00a0 He felt himself swaying.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHoney?\u00a0 Are you all right?\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

She reached out to touch his cheek.\u00a0 Before her hand reached him, he was holding it, kissing it.\u00a0 Tears spilled down his face.\u00a0 The feeling was so new, so different from anything he\u2019d ever known, that he couldn\u2019t put a name to it.\u00a0 It had so many pieces:\u00a0 excitement, panic, thrills, contentment, worry, anticipation.\u00a0 Amazement.\u00a0 Protectiveness.\u00a0 Jubilation.\u00a0 Thankfulness. \u00a0Joy.\u00a0 Peace.\u00a0 A deep sense of rightness. \u00a0And over all the parts, and seeping into the spaces between them, an overwhelming love for this woman and the child they had created.\u00a0 He pulled her into his arms and held her as tightly as he could.\u00a0 His cheek rested on the top of her head, and his tears fell into her dark hair.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *
\n\u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe returned to the present to see his father standing before him with a tray.\u00a0 He smiled weakly.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t trust his voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you all right, son?\u201d\u00a0 As pleased as Ben had been about his son agreeing to rest in bed, even he had to admit now that something was not right.\u00a0 The young man who had been fighting him just a few days earlier to go out and do something, anything, had vanished.\u00a0 In his place was the one who, when he\u2019d opened the door, was simply lying in bed, staring unseeingly at the ceiling.\u00a0 The book on the night table was unopened.\u00a0 The newspaper on the bed was undisturbed.\u00a0 The lamp had not been lit against the gray day.\u00a0 There had been no sound when Ben opened the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Joe said, sitting up in bed.\u00a0 He accepted the tray, murmuring his thanks and hoping that his father would leave.\u00a0 He wanted to go back to his memories.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s presence felt like an intrusion.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Even in September, San Francisco mornings were damp and chilly.\u00a0Joe walked along the pier, considering the options.\u00a0 There was simply no way that he would be able to support their family on his income.\u00a0 They were barely able to make ends meet now, with Robin singing.\u00a0 Judith had helped her fix her work clothes, but any day now, Phil was going to figure out that his lovely young singer was not merely putting on weight, and that would be that.\u00a0 He felt reasonably sure that he\u2019d still be able to play at the Dove as a solo, just as Dusty had, but he was equally sure that the tips wouldn\u2019t be nearly as good.\u00a0 The men who came into the saloon liked to look at a beautiful woman, and Robin definitely gave them their money\u2019s worth in that department.\u00a0 Add to that her exquisite voice, her vibrant personality, her sharp sense of humor, and her unmistakable joy in music, and you had a singer who had them eating out of her hand.\u00a0 There was no way that he could generate alone nearly as much as they made as a team.<\/em><\/p>\n

He turned down a side street, barely paying attention.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t go back to playing poker\u2014the results were too erratic.\u00a0 He was going to be a father.\u00a0 He needed a steady income.\u00a0 The Dove was at least steady.\u00a0 He needed something he could do in addition.\u00a0 Or maybe it was time to think about moving out of the city.\u00a0 He could get work on a ranch.\u00a0 No, that would mean giving up the Dove.\u00a0 In his heart, he knew that he didn\u2019t want to do that.\u00a0 Not unless he absolutely had to.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

He\u2019d never expected to be a musician.\u00a0 All his life, he\u2019d been told that Adam was the one with the musical talent.\u00a0 Joe could carry a tune, but that was about it.\u00a0 He\u2019d grown up listening to Adam and his guitar, but he\u2019d never had any particular interest in trying it himself.\u00a0 He wondered now if Adam would have taught him if he\u2019d asked.\u00a0 Probably.\u00a0 Adam was always trying to teach Hoss and Joe things he thought they should know, regardless of whether they wanted to learn.\u00a0 When Joe was sick in bed as a kid, Adam read him \u201cParadise Lost\u201d instead of the dime novels he wanted to hear.\u00a0 The ending had been Adam\u2019s mother\u2019s favorite part, and his eldest brother had read him that section several times when Joe was fourteen and laid up during a particularly nasty chest cold.\u00a0 Joe could still remember those last few lines, after Adam and Eve had been thrown out of the Garden of Eden.\u00a0 Now, they reminded him of when he and Robin had left Virginia City to make their way in the world.<\/em>
\n
\n<\/em><\/strong>“They, looking back, all the eastern side beheld
\nOf Paradise, so late their happy seat,
\nWaved over by that flaming brand, the gate<\/em><\/p>\n

With dreadful faces throng\u2019d and fiery arms.
\nSome natural tears they dropt, but wiped them soon:
\nThe world was all before them, where to choose
\nTheir place of rest, and Providence their guide.
\nThey, hand in hand, with wandering steps and slow,
\nThrough Eden took their solitary way.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Remembering, he found himself on an unfamiliar street.\u00a0 A small stone church graced the block.\u00a0 Its arched doors needed to be painted, a common problem in a city on the water.\u00a0 The garden around its foundations had been well tended, and some flowers still bloomed.\u00a0 On one side of the door was a sign bearing the words, \u201cSt. Catherine\u2019s Episcopal Church.\u201d\u00a0 On the other side of the door was another sign:\u00a0 \u201cThe seats in this church are free.\u00a0 All are welcome.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe hadn\u2019t set foot in a church since his wedding, but he found himself following the flagstone path to the door.\u00a0 Somewhat surprisingly, the door was unlocked.\u00a0 He entered tentatively.\u00a0 A soft hush enveloped him. \u00a0A coat rack stood by a table barely large enough to hold a guest book.\u00a0 A canister for umbrellas sat beneath the table. \u00a0He opened a heavy oak door.\u00a0 There before him was a small, but perfectly appointed, sanctuary.\u00a0 The smell of furniture polish, oil lamps and incense was heady.\u00a0 Colored light filtered through the stained glass windows.\u00a0 The pews gleamed.\u00a0 At the front were two pulpits, one on either side.\u00a0 A large Bible lay open on one of the pulpits.\u00a0 Between them, a dark table stood on a platform.\u00a0 On the wall at the front was a round window with an intricate pattern of colors and gentle curves, like looking down into a multi-hued rose.\u00a0 Beneath the window was a mahogany cross.\u00a0 It almost looked as if the cross were holding up the window, the stem to a glorious flower.<\/em><\/p>\n

Up on the platform, behind the left-hand pulpit, stood a grand piano.\u00a0 He had seen a grand piano once before, when he and Adam were in Sacramento, and Adam dragged him to some concert.\u00a0 The piano he played every night at the Singing Dove was an upright, scarred and battered, veteran of many a bar brawl.\u00a0 This instrument was rich and sophisticated.\u00a0 Its ebony case shone in the soft light.\u00a0 Where his piano yowled and twanged, this one would whisper in velvet tones.<\/em><\/p>\n

Without thinking, he approached the piano and lifted the cover to expose the keys.\u00a0 No yellowed ivory and chipped edges here.\u00a0 These keys were pristine, pure black and purer white.\u00a0 He brushed them with his fingers.\u00a0 Their surfaces were as smooth as glass.\u00a0 Not a crack, not a rough spot. \u00a0The bench was black, with a needlepoint cushion, a far cry from the wooden chair he used every night.\u00a0 He glanced around the sanctuary.\u00a0 No one was here.\u00a0 No one would know.\u00a0 He sat down at the piano.<\/em><\/p>\n

Later, he had no idea how long he\u2019d played.\u00a0 The instrument was as responsive as the best horse he\u2019d ever ridden.\u00a0 The action was delicate enough for trills, and yet the bass rang like great bells.\u00a0 He played songs that Robin sang, and when he ran out of those, he played Robin herself.\u00a0 He played his unborn child.\u00a0 He played the Ponderosa, his family, and anything else that swept through him. \u00a0He was alive, exposed. \u00a0Tears spilled down his cheeks, unnoticed.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

At last, he stopped.\u00a0 He flexed his fingers.\u00a0 He felt as if he had been running for a long, long time, and that finally, he had come to a place where he might rest.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

The sound of a handclap startled him.\u00a0 The metallic taste of adrenalin rushed to his mouth as the clapping continued.\u00a0 Instinctively, he reached for his gun with one hand as he wiped away the tears with the other.\u00a0 \u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d he demanded, as if he had the right to do so.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI am,\u201d said a calm voice.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Joe stood to see a priest sitting in the front pew.\u00a0 For a moment, he couldn\u2019t move.\u00a0 At first glance, the man could have been his father\u2019s twin.\u00a0 The priest took his cane in hand and pushed himself to his feet.\u00a0 The gentle smile was unnerving.\u00a0 It suggested wisdom and kindness.\u00a0 It was the smile of one who knew and understood and did not judge.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>
\nIt was the smile he\u2019d seen countless times on his own father.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d said Joe, closing the cover.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to\u2014the door was open.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cQuite all right,\u201d said the priest.\u00a0 He approached the platform.\u00a0 Quickly, Joe crossed the platform and bounded down the steps to save the priest the trouble of ascending them.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I\u2019ll be going,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cThank you.\u00a0 That\u2019s a magnificent instrument.\u00a0 I\u2014thank you.\u201d\u00a0 He retrieved his hat from where he\u2019d dropped it on the first pew.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s I who should be thanking you,\u201d said the priest, laying a hand on Joe\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cYou play beautifully.\u00a0 I quite enjoyed listening.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s very kind of you,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI haven\u2019t actually been playing that long.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cBut you are a musician.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t know about that,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cI play at the Singing Dove.\u00a0 My wife\u2019s a singer.\u00a0 I just started playing because her accompanist moved back east.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter why you started playing,\u201d said the priest.\u00a0 \u201cIt only matters that you did.\u00a0 I\u2019m a violinist as well as a priest, and I\u2019m telling you this:\u00a0 you are a musician.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter what you do to earn a living.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0Joe sighed.\u00a0 \u201cFunny you should say that,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cIt looks like I might have to stop playing at the Dove and go find other work anyway.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy is that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMy wife\u2019s expecting,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s not going to be able to sing much longer.\u00a0 I\u2019ve gotta find something else.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The priest considered this.\u00a0 \u201cSon, do you believe in Providence?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean God?\u201d\u00a0 The priest nodded.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, I guess.\u201d\u00a0 The truth was that he hadn\u2019t given God a whole lot of thought, especially over the past several months.\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause earlier this week, our pianist informed me that he will be resigning from his post here at St. Catherine\u2019s,\u201d said the priest.\u00a0 \u201cOn the basis of what I\u2019ve heard this morning, I\u2019m prepared to recommend to the deacons that they hire you as his replacement.\u00a0 Would this be something you might consider?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0Warmth swelled through Joe\u2019s chest.\u00a0 They could stay here.\u00a0 He could play.\u00a0 And even if they didn\u2019t get back to the Ponderosa for Christmas, he knew in that moment that somehow, it would all work out.\u00a0 \u201cYes, Father,\u201d he said over the lump in his throat.\u00a0 \u201cThat is definitely something I would consider.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe never saw the priest again.\u00a0 When they arrived at the Dove the next night, Robin told Judith about Joe\u2019s new job.\u00a0 Two hours later, Joe was wounded and Robin was dead.\u00a0 Judith sent a note to St. Catherine\u2019s to let the priest know what had happened.\u00a0 She was surprised not to receive a response.\u00a0 Later, she learned that the priest had been knifed while intervening in an assault on a young woman down on the pier.\u00a0 He lingered only a few days before succumbing to his injuries.\u00a0 When she finally told Joe, he sat silently for a minute.\u00a0 Then, he threw back another shot and turned to the piano.<\/em><\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Doc Martin closed the door to Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 He gestured for Ben to follow him down the hall, out of earshot.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s eyes grew wide, and his jaw clenched.\u00a0 Instinctively, he braced for a fight\u2014not with the doctor, but with whatever the doctor was about to tell him.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs he worse?\u201d he blurted out as they reached the top of the stairs.\u00a0 Bad enough he hadn\u2019t been allowed in the room while the doctor examined his son.<\/p>\n

Paul Martin considered the question as they descended to the living room.\u00a0 \u201cIf you\u2019re referring to Joe\u2019s heart, no,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s clearly been resting, and that\u2019s helped.\u00a0 The rhythm is more regular than it was.\u00a0 The heart isn\u2019t normal, but it\u2019s better.\u201d
\n\u201cThen what?\u201d\u00a0 What else could there be?\u00a0 Dear God, hadn\u2019t the boy been through enough?<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long has he been in bed?\u201d asked the doctor.<\/p>\n

Ben thought for a moment.\u00a0 \u201cSix days,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy is he in bed?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause that was what you recommended,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n

The doctor shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cJoe and I had that conversation,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI told him that bedrest was ideal, but not essential at this point.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I told him I thought he should do what was ideal,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t understand the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe problem is that never, at any time in his entire life, has your son voluntarily stayed in bed for health reasons,\u201d said Doc Martin.\u00a0 \u201cUsually, we practically have to sit on him to keep him down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cBut he\u2019s a grown man now.\u00a0 Clearly, he\u2019s more reasonable about these things than he used to be.\u00a0 Perhaps this whole incident scared some sense into him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think he suddenly became prudent since last week,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cI think there\u2019s something else going on.\u201d<\/p>\n

A cold hand of fear clutched Ben\u2019s heart.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think it\u2019s his mind,\u201d said the doctor.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think my son is losing his mind?\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNot the way you mean,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think he\u2019s irrational or imagining things that aren\u2019t there.\u00a0 But there are other ways that the mind malfunctions, ways we\u2019re only just starting to know about.\u00a0 What I\u2019m seeing here\u2014uncharacteristic behavior, withdrawing from people, not doing even the things that he\u2019s allowed to do or likes to do\u2014when that comes hard on the heels of loss and sickness, it\u2019s cause for concern. \u00a0It\u2019s as if the mind starts to shut itself down, to guard against things that will make the person feel pain, almost like there\u2019s a wall being built between the person and the rest of the world. \u00a0It\u2019s like a reduction in feeling, where everything is numbed. \u00a0Even when I was in there with him, talking to him, I had the sense he wasn\u2019t listening to me, that he didn\u2019t really care what I said.\u00a0 Last week, he was asking questions, wanting to know what he could do, arguing with me.\u00a0 Today, he just accepted what I said without so much as a shrug.\u00a0 I had the feeling that if I told him he had to stay in bed for the next month, he wouldn\u2019t have blinked.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sank slowly into the blue chair.\u00a0 Paul was right.\u00a0 Talking to Joe these days was like reaching for a candle through a windowpane.\u00a0 How had he let his son get so far away?\u00a0 Because I wanted to keep him safe, <\/em>Ben realized.\u00a0 And I let him retreat into his shell like a tortoise.<\/em>\u00a0 A tortoise might be safe in his shell, but it also wasn\u2019t going anywhere or doing anything.\u00a0 It was existing, not living.<\/p>\n

\u201cI should have known,\u201d Ben said, half to himself.\u00a0 Of all people in the world, he should have known.\u00a0 He\u2019d lived through the same loss, more than once. \u00a0But\u2014 \u00a0\u201cWhy now?\u00a0 She\u2019s been dead for a year and a half.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he spent the first year drunk,\u201d said Paul gently.\u00a0 \u201cOnly after you took the liquor away could he truly feel\u2014which was probably the point of the liquor.\u00a0 Since then, he\u2019s had all he could do to get to the point where he could function physically.\u00a0 So, this is really the first chance he\u2019s had to deal with the loss.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut we talked about it in San Francisco,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s what I don\u2019t understand.\u00a0 He seemed to be doing so well there.\u00a0 We could talk about anything.\u00a0 It\u2019s only the past few weeks, since we\u2019ve been back here, that things have changed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul placed a gentle hand on his friend\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cThink about it from his point of view for a minute,\u201d he suggested.\u00a0 \u201cSan Francisco was where he lived with her, where he was happy.\u00a0 After he got out of the hospital, you and he lived in that rented house, and it was neutral territory\u2014not yours or his.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have the strength to go anywhere, so you could relax because you didn\u2019t have to worry about losing him.\u00a0 Then, the two of you came back here.\u00a0 You and the Ponderosa might be the same, but Joe isn\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019m guessing that he came face to face with the differences between that nineteen-year-old kid who broke horses and herded cattle and did a man\u2019s hard work until the day he left to marry the love of his life, and the widower who came back with a heart condition and a drinking problem.\u00a0 Add to that a father who is so afraid of losing him again that he\u2019s pretty well smothered him, and the question isn\u2019t why things are different.\u00a0 It\u2019s why it took this long for them to fall apart.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was silent for a long moment.\u00a0 \u201cI knew something was wrong,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut I thought it was about his heart.\u00a0 I thought it would pass when he got stronger.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it might,\u201d said Doc Martin.\u00a0 \u201cIf I could explain all the ways that the mind and the body affect each other, I\u2019d be a very rich man.\u201d\u00a0 He picked up his bag.\u00a0 \u201cI wish there were some medicine I could give him that could fix his mind.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I\u2019d be lying if I said I knew what you should do now.\u00a0 All I can tell you is that his heart is improving.\u00a0 At what cost, I can\u2019t say.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben pondered this as he saw his friend out.\u00a0 At what cost, indeed.\u00a0 He had worked too hard to get the boy back.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t lose him again, in any way.\u00a0 Not without a fight.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Dusk was falling when Ben opened the door to Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 The lamp on the bedside table was unlit.\u00a0 In the dimness, he saw that Joe was not asleep.\u00a0 The boy was just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t even look toward the door when Ben came in.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe?\u00a0 What are you doing?\u201d\u00a0 Ben tried to sound casual.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Oh, nothing.\u00a0 Just thinking.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sounded distant, as if his own words didn\u2019t matter to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout what?\u201d\u00a0 Ben lit the lamp.\u00a0 The room was immediately bathed in a warm glow.\u00a0 He drew the draperies and moved the chair over beside the bed.\u00a0 \u201cWhat were you thinking about?\u201d he asked again.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNothing much,\u201d he lied.<\/p>\n

Ben hadn\u2019t spent this many years as a father without learning a few things.\u00a0 He knew when one of his sons was not being truthful.\u00a0 Still, right now didn\u2019t seem the time to accuse Joe of lying.\u00a0 Instead, he lit his pipe and leaned back, as if settling in for a good, long visit, and as if he was not watching his son carefully for a reaction.\u00a0 He saw Joe tense.\u00a0 Inwardly, he flinched.\u00a0 How had they gotten so far apart?<\/p>\n

\u201cDoc Martin says that your heart sounds better,\u201d Ben said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u00a0 He told me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must be pleased.\u201d\u00a0 Ben recalled slogging through deep mud in the pouring rain to capture recalcitrant stray calves.\u00a0 Right now, that job seemed easy.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t acknowledge the comment.\u00a0 There seemed little point.<\/p>\n

Ben pulled another weapon out of his arsenal.\u00a0 \u201cI saw Tom Simmons yesterday,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cTom has a three-year-old roan gelding he\u2019s looking to sell.\u201d\u00a0 He paused, waiting for questions, for some sign of interest.\u00a0 The silence dragged on.\u00a0 Finally, Ben said, \u201cI told him to bring him by.\u00a0 Thought maybe you could take a look at him.\u201d<\/p>\n

At last, a reaction.\u00a0 Joe looked at his father with a slight frown.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not supposed to get up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t say you should ride him,\u201d said Ben, trying not to be irritated.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure it wouldn\u2019t be a problem if you came outside and looked him over.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want with another gelding?\u00a0 Can\u2019t breed him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Worse than recalcitrant calves in the mud.\u00a0 Much worse.\u00a0 \u201cAnother mount.\u00a0 Maybe break him to drive.\u00a0 Depends on the horse, I expect.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThought we had enough horses already,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

A frisson of fear ran down Ben\u2019s spine.\u00a0 He\u2019d have bet his last nickel that his youngest son would never say that the Ponderosa had enough horses.\u00a0 Before he left, Joe had been trying to build up that side of the ranch operations.\u00a0 Horses had been his great love from the time he was old enough to toddle into the barn and pester someone into holding him up so that he could pet the horses\u2019 noses.\u00a0 Even before he left school, he was as good a bronc buster as men who had been doing the job for twenty years, a fact that had accounted for many a silver hair on his father\u2019s head.\u00a0 One of the most familiar sights in these parts used to be Joe and Cochise, racing down the Virginia City road far too fast.\u00a0 Enough horses already.<\/em>\u00a0 If Ben had needed a sign that his son was slipping away, this was it.<\/p>\n

He drew on his pipe as if gathering strength.\u00a0 \u201cI remember how I felt when your mother died,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0 A desperate move, perhaps, but it was the one topic Ben knew his son couldn\u2019t ignore or dismiss. \u00a0He\u2019d never told anyone more than just the bare observable facts about that day.\u00a0 But now, his son needed to know.\u00a0 Even after all these years, the words were difficult, the memories more so.\u00a0 He pressed on.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing made any sense.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t seem real, even though I watched it happen.\u00a0 I saw the horse fall.\u00a0 He got up, and she didn\u2019t. \u00a0I ran to her so fast I tripped and fell just short of where she lay.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t take the time to get up\u2014I just dragged myself to her. \u00a0I held her in my arms.\u00a0 She looked at me and told me she loved me.\u00a0 Then, I felt her breathing stop. \u00a0She exhaled, and then she didn\u2019t breathe in again. \u00a0It was that quiet. \u00a0I could still smell her perfume, even after she was gone.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t seem right.\u00a0 The perfume should have stopped smelling, too. \u00a0Her hair shouldn\u2019t have been so soft. \u00a0There was blood in her hair. \u00a0Adam came out of the house and saw us there. \u00a0I think he said something, but I\u2019m not sure. \u00a0He ran across the yard and knelt next to us.\u00a0 He felt for her pulse.\u00a0 When he realized she was gone, he tried to get me to put her down, but I wouldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 He sent one of the hands for the doctor, even though there was no point. \u00a0I think he did it because it was Paul who would come, not because he thought a doctor could help her. \u00a0He tried to take her from me, to carry her into the house, but I wouldn\u2019t let go. \u00a0I remember wanting him to get her a different dress, right then, because her dress was dirty from the fall, and she was so particular about things like that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember what Adam said, but we didn\u2019t change her dress until later.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour brother sat with us in the yard until the doctor came.\u00a0 It must have been hours.\u00a0 Years later, he told me that Hoss came out of the house at some point.\u00a0 Adam sent him back in and told him to make sure you didn\u2019t come out.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have any memory of seeing Hoss that afternoon.\u00a0 Adam said that Paul Martin cried when he told me Marie was dead.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember that, either.\u00a0 I remember that Paul and Adam talked about where to put her body until we could bury her.\u00a0 It was nearly dark by that time.\u00a0 Adam said that Paul wanted to take her into town to the undertaker, but that I refused.\u00a0 I insisted that she would never want to leave the Ponderosa.\u00a0 In the end, we put her in the barn and locked the door so that you wouldn\u2019t find her.\u00a0 It was the one thing they could tell me that I could focus on\u2014the idea that you shouldn\u2019t happen upon your mother\u2019s body.\u201d\u00a0 He drew on his pipe.\u00a0 \u201cIn the end, it was the only thing I could do for her.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t protect her, but I could protect you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t speak.\u00a0 His jaw was clenched, his face immobile.\u00a0 Every fiber of his body was braced against the pain, his father\u2019s and his own.\u00a0 As his father watched for a reaction, Joe began to tremble.\u00a0 He rolled onto his side, away from Ben.\u00a0 He drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, holding himself tightly against what he had heard.\u00a0 Trembling progressed to shaking.\u00a0 Still, he made no sound.<\/p>\n

Ben laid the pipe on the bedside table and moved to sit on the bed beside Joe, resting his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder. \u00a0Gently, he began to rub his son\u2019s back in large, slow circles.\u00a0 Gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, the shaking lessened, and then stopped.\u00a0 As dusk turned to dark outside the room, Ben stroked his son\u2019s back and shoulder, murmuring soft reassurances.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t even certain that Joe heard him, but it very nearly didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 He needed to say these things at least as much as Joe needed to hear them.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to be all right,\u201d he said softly.\u00a0 \u201cI know it doesn\u2019t feel like it.\u00a0 I know it seems impossible.\u00a0 But we\u2019re all here, and we love you, and we\u2019re going to walk with you through this.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to do it alone.\u201d\u00a0 Joe said nothing, but gradually, the tension in his arms and legs relaxed slightly.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d have done anything to spare you this,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 Eventually, Ben realized that the boy had fallen asleep.\u00a0 Even so, he couldn\u2019t leave, couldn\u2019t take his hand off his son, couldn\u2019t break this connection.<\/p>\n

A knock on the door.\u00a0 Hoss poked his head in.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2014\u201d he began.\u00a0 Ben held a finger to his lips, nodding toward Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSorry,\u201d Hoss whispered.\u00a0 \u201cIs he okay?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019 blue eyes were troubled.<\/p>\n

Ben shrugged slightly and shook his head to indicate that he did not know. The big man frowned. \u00a0Hoss and Adam had spent a lifetime taking care of Joe.\u00a0 It was one thing that gave Ben peace when he thought of his own passing:\u00a0 the knowledge that his sons would always look out for each other, no matter what.\u00a0 God forbid something happened to him, Joe would be in good hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing wanted to know if you\u2019re comin\u2019 down for dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cYou and Adam go ahead,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll have something later.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll wait for you,\u201d Hoss replied.\u00a0 \u201cYou jest take your time here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you two should\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll wait,\u201d said the big man firmly.\u00a0 \u201cHowever long it takes.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you worry about that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben regarded his middle son.\u00a0 Somehow, they weren\u2019t talking about dinner any more.
\n* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cHoney, wake up.\u00a0 We need to talk.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes flew open.\u00a0 He sat up bolt upright in his bed. \u00a0\u201cRobin?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m right here.\u201d\u00a0 She was sitting in the chair beside his bed.\u00a0 The moonlight glowed around her.\u00a0 She reached over and lit the lamp on his bedside table.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my God, you\u2019re here,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 He started to get out of bed, reaching for her, but she held up her hand.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, love,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t get any closer.\u00a0 As it turns out, there are rules about these things.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat things?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDead people being in touch with living people.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t remember you being much for rules,\u201d Joe said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cThings changed.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I know it,\u201d he sighed.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNot as much for you as for me,\u201d she pointed out.<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cFair enough,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Even dead, she could still make him laugh.\u00a0 \u201cYou really are dead, though, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry about that,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI was so worried about you that I didn\u2019t do what you said.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d\u00a0 Anger flared up in his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cIf you\u2019d listened to me, we\u2019d be together now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She regarded him.\u00a0 \u201cJust how long are you going to be mad at me for that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not mad at you!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She snorted.\u00a0 \u201cOh, please,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIf I weren\u2019t dead right now, we\u2019d be having the knock-down-drag-out fight of our lives over this one.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have that much time as it is so don\u2019t waste it lying to me.\u00a0 And keep your voice down.\u00a0 Your family\u2019s still sleeping.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, fine!\u201d\u00a0 He snapped.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m mad at you.\u00a0 What does that accomplish?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does it ever accomplish?\u201d she countered.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know!\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThink about it,\u201d she said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThe making up was good,\u201d he offered hopefully.\u00a0 \u201cRemember the time\u2014\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

She held up her hand.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t even start,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t do that now.\u00a0 What else?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He thought.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cHow about if you come back tomorrow night, after I\u2019ve had a chance to think?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAfter you\u2019ve had a chance to think?\u00a0 You\u2019ve had a year and a half to think about this!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t been thinking for a year and a half!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo kidding,\u201d she said with heavy sarcasm.\u00a0 \u201cYou haven\u2019t even played the piano\u2014which, by the way, would have helped you think if you hadn\u2019t been plastered.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know that?\u201d Joe asked suspiciously.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you know about what I\u2019ve been doing?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cEverything,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cEverything you did after I stopped breathing.\u00a0 And let me tell you something, cowboy.\u00a0 You think you\u2019re mad?\u00a0 Do you have any idea what it was like, watching you guzzle that swill after what I did to keep you alive?\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget, there was a second bullet.\u00a0 If I hadn\u2019t blocked it, you\u2019d be the dead one now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWait a minute\u2014you could see me after you died?\u201d \u00a0He was still back on her first point. \u00a0His eyes grew large as he considered what she might have seen.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I know about Judith,\u201d she said impatiently.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t worry about that.\u00a0 If I\u2019d still been alive, you would have had something to worry about, but I was dead, so it was okay.\u00a0 Not that I was thrilled, and it wasn\u2019t a good idea for either of you, but she did keep you alive until your family got there.\u00a0 They sure took long enough,\u201d she added.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut they did find me,\u201d he said, remembering.\u00a0 \u201cDid you know they were looking?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI assumed they were,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t know for sure until after I died.\u00a0 But you keep getting away from the point.\u00a0 They found you.\u00a0 They rescued you.\u00a0 So, what are you going to do about it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t understand,\u201d he said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWere you this slow when I was alive, or did the whiskey affect your thinking?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s jaw dropped.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t believe you said that,\u201d he said finally.<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin sighed.\u00a0 She started to reach out to him, but caught herself.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re right, that was unkind,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t have much time, and it\u2019s not like I can drop in again next week for another chat.\u00a0 It took a long time to arrange this.\u00a0 We kept waiting for you to work things out on your own, but finally, it became clear that wasn\u2019t going to happen, so they let me come.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDid you have to fight with them?\u201d\u00a0 He smiled at the thought of Robin arguing with an angel.\u00a0 He could picture her, hands on hips, face close to the angel\u2019s, making her point in no uncertain terms as the angel backed away, eyes wide and wings trembling.<\/em><\/p>\n

She smiled.\u00a0 \u201cWe don\u2019t fight there,\u201d she said.\u00a0 At Joe\u2019s bemused expression, her smile broadened.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, maybe I argued with them a little,\u201d she admitted.\u00a0 He raised an eyebrow.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, maybe more than a little.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like they approve this type of thing lightly.\u00a0 The division between us and you is supposed to be absolute for you folks.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut they let you come back to me anyway.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s just say this was a special case,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt won\u2019t happen again.\u00a0 They were very clear on that.\u00a0 This visit is going to have to do for both of us for a long time.\u00a0 The next time you see me, you\u2019ll be dead, too.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBut you\u2019re here now.\u201d\u00a0 That was all that mattered.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI am, my love.\u00a0 And here\u2019s the reason.\u00a0 A lot of people have gone to a lot of trouble to keep you alive:\u00a0 me, Judith, your family.\u00a0 We all did it for the same reason.\u00a0 We love you.\u00a0 So, in spite of your best efforts, you\u2019re alive.\u00a0 What are you going to do about it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Tears welled up in Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYou love me,\u201d he said softly.\u00a0 \u201cEven now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She smiled.\u00a0 \u201cOf course,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s the one thing we get to take with us.\u00a0 Just you wait.\u00a0 It gets even better once you\u2019re here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI miss you so much,\u201d he breathed.\u00a0 \u201cI miss our life together.\u00a0 You, me, the baby\u2014\u201d\u00a0 He stopped.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about the baby?\u00a0 Is he there, too?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat makes you so sure our baby is a \u2018he\u2019?\u201d she teased gently.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a girl?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin shook her head, smiling.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not allowed to tell you about the baby,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI was given pretty narrow limits as far as what we could talk about.\u00a0 For the rest, you\u2019ll have to wait until we\u2019re together again.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to be with you now,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He surveyed the room for something that would accomplish this.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d she corrected.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI do,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI want to be with you so much it hurts.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI know it hurts,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cBelieve me, leaving you wasn\u2019t my favorite time, either.\u00a0 But it was how it had to be.\u00a0 And you\u2019re not ready to be with me yet.\u201d<\/em>
\n\u201cWhat makes you so sure?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019re still here,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a cowboy.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got guns, knives, horses, ropes\u2014there are a million ways you could have killed yourself if that was what you really wanted to do.\u00a0 Instead, you spent a year drinking.\u00a0 Yeah, whiskey\u2019ll kill you, but it takes a long time.\u201d\u00a0 Her blue eyes were gentle.\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t really want to die, and that\u2019s as it should be.\u00a0 If you\u2019d killed yourself, then I\u2019d have died for nothing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He considered this.\u00a0 \u201cWere you this smart when you were alive, or did the whiskey affect my thinking?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYep,\u201d she said.\u00a0 They both laughed.\u00a0 Her laughter was as musical as he remembered.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve never loved anyone the way I love you,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll always love you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

She smiled.\u00a0 \u201cJust as long as that doesn\u2019t get in the way of the rest of your life.\u201d\u00a0 She pushed her hair back from her face.\u00a0 \u201cYou still haven\u2019t answered my question.\u00a0 You\u2019re here now.\u00a0 What are you going to do about it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he said helplessly.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou need to work on that,\u201d she said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cIsn\u2019t that why you\u2019re here?\u00a0 To tell me what I should do?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Robin shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cThat was never my job,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cMy job was to love you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He felt tears welling up.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve done that well,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I will continue to,\u201d she promised.\u00a0 \u201cBut in the meantime, you need to figure out your life.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cCan you at least give me a hint?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, just one,\u201d she said, rising.\u00a0 \u201cLive like somebody died for you.\u201d\u00a0 She blew him a kiss.\u00a0 And then, she was gone.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

He awoke in the morning with a sense of peace so profound that he thought the world had stopped.\u00a0 The tears on his cheeks seemed incongruous.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know if it had been a dream or if he had really seen her one more time. He waited for the sense of loss that he experienced after the nightmares, but it was nowhere to be found.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t understand why.\u00a0 It almost didn\u2019t matter. \u00a0All he knew for certain was that, for the first time in a year and a half, he felt truly alive.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you so much,\u201d he murmured.\u00a0 If she was listening, he wanted her to hear these words.<\/p>\n

A knock, and the door opened.\u00a0 \u201cJoe?\u00a0 Are you awake?\u201d called Ben.\u00a0 He saw his son\u2019s tear-streaked face and misunderstood.\u00a0 \u201cAre you all right, son?\u201d\u00a0 He sat on the side of the bed and reached for Joe, ready to hold and comfort him.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a radiant smile, but it was real, and there was something in it that Ben hadn\u2019t seen in a long, long time.\u00a0 Joe laid his hand on his father\u2019s arm and met his eyes squarely.\u00a0 With an assurance he\u2019d thought gone forever, he told the truth. \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m fine, Pa.\u00a0 Really.\u201d\u00a0 He wiped his face with the sleeve of his nightshirt.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s for breakfast?\u00a0 I\u2019m starving.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben searched his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 Somehow, something had happened.\u00a0 The wall was crumbling. \u00a0He didn\u2019t know why, and he wasn\u2019t na\u00efve enough to believe that Joe\u2019s depression would resolve overnight, but something had changed.\u00a0 The light that had nearly gone out had reignited, and if it wasn\u2019t an inferno, it was more than the lone flickering match it had been for so long.\u00a0 He felt tears starting in his own eyes.\u00a0 Willing them back, he smiled at his son, his eyes glistening.\u00a0 He patted the young man\u2019s arm and rose.\u00a0 \u201cYou can have whatever you want for breakfast,\u201d he said hoarsely.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen I\u2019ll see you downstairs,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

Downstairs.\u00a0 Eating breakfast.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s heart swelled.\u00a0 Casually, he nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll see you in a few minutes,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He closed the bedroom door behind him and stood in the hall, his forehead against the wall, overwhelmed with gratitude.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Ben watched as his youngest son slid carefully onto the horse.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, turn \u2019im loose!\u201d Joe called out.\u00a0 Frank and Charlie opened the chute, and the horse burst out, bucking and twisting in the summer sun.\u00a0 Joe stayed with him, riding every move, until the horse settled down.\u00a0 The hands ran out to grab the horse, and Joe strode across the corral to pick up the hat that had gone flying with the first buck.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine ride, son,\u201d called Ben.\u00a0 He nearly reminded his son of their agreement that the boy would ride no more than three horses today, and this had been the second.\u00a0 Start slow.\u00a0 That was what they\u2019d decided, he and the doctor and Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Joe barely glanced at his father as he spoke, so focused was he on his tasks.\u00a0 He started back across the corral to the pen where the remaining horses milled about.<\/p>\n

Ben tried not to look as if he were watching Joe for signs of fatigue or unsteadiness.\u00a0 The doctor had reluctantly given his consent to bronc busting, over Ben\u2019s vigorous objections.\u00a0 Outside of Joe\u2019s hearing, Doc had admitted that he was agreeing to let Joe try, not so much on the basis of his physical progress, but because he seemed genuinely to want to ride.\u00a0 The curtain of depression had been slow to lift, and the doctor\u2019s instinct suggested that encouraging Joe in things he was interested in might help.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a balancing act,\u201d Doc Martin said.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe we\u2019ve been protecting the heart at the expense of the mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben bit back his instinctive retort, that it would mean nothing to protect the boy\u2019s mind if his heart gave out.\u00a0 He consoled himself with the knowledge that the doctor, his oldest friend, would not put his son\u2019s life at risk.\u00a0 If Doc was allowing this, it must be safe enough.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

The urgency in Frank\u2019s voice snapped Ben back to the present.\u00a0 The next moment, he was climbing over the fence and running across the corral to where his son lay, unmoving, next to the pen.\u00a0 \u201cGet the doctor!\u201d he shouted, skidding to his knees beside Joe. Damn Paul Martin for taking chances with his son. \u00a0He turned the young man over and felt for a pulse in his neck.\u00a0 It was there, thready and uneven, but definitely present.\u00a0 \u201cJoe!\u00a0 Joe, can you hear me?\u00a0 Wake up, son.\u00a0 Can you hear me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyelids fluttered.\u00a0 He was far too pale, as if all the blood had drained out of him.\u00a0 \u201cPa,\u201d he breathed.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t try to talk, son,\u201d Ben murmured.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll get you back to the house, and you can rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe struggled to sit up.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Pa, I\u2019m feeling better,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI just got dizzy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just lie still,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 Over his shoulder, he called, \u201cSomebody bring the wagon!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I don\u2019t need a wagon,\u201d Joe protested.\u00a0 His voice was weak and breathy.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be okay in a few minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust humor your old father, all right?\u201d\u00a0 Ben held Joe\u2019s head in his lap, trying to shade his son\u2019s face against the heat of the sun.\u00a0 It seemed an eternity before Charlie drove up in the wagon.\u00a0 \u201cHelp me get him in the wagon,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, it\u2019s okay, I can walk,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot until the doctor says it\u2019s all right,\u201d said Ben in a tone that would bear no interference.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIt was just a little dizziness.\u00a0 I can walk to the wagon.\u00a0 It\u2019s only a few feet.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, they compromised, with Joe walking, but supported so heavily by his father and Charlie that his feet barely touched the ground.\u00a0 A short time later, he was in bed, and his father was wiping his face with a cool, damp cloth.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, young man, what have you done?\u201d asked the doctor as he entered the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got a little bit dizzy,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe passed out by the horse pen,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 He glared accusingly at his oldest friend.<\/p>\n

Doc Martin raised his eyebrows.\u00a0 He was just about to speak when Hoss burst into the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d the large man demanded.\u00a0 \u201cCharlie said you collapsed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about if I talk to my patient alone for a few minutes?\u201d\u00a0 Doc\u2019s tone made it clear that this was an order, not a request.\u00a0 \u201cYou, too, Ben,\u201d he said more gently.\u00a0 As he closed the door behind Ben and Hoss, they heard him saying, \u201cAll right, now, I want you to tell me exactly what happened, and don\u2019t leave anything out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor descended the stairs to the living room, where Ben and Hoss waited anxiously.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s going to be fine,\u201d Doc announced.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank God,\u201d breathed Ben.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe overdid it,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s not ready for horse-breaking yet, as it turns out.\u201d\u00a0 He held up his hand before Ben could speak.\u00a0 \u201cYes, you were right.\u00a0 He\u2019ll get there eventually, but he\u2019s going to need more time to build up to it.\u00a0 I told him that I don\u2019t want him out of that bed for at least a week.\u00a0 After that, he can go as far as the chair in his room, but I\u2019m serious\u2014I don\u2019t want him to walk any farther than that, or to exert himself in any other way, for the time being.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow far did he set himself back today?\u201d\u00a0 asked Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cHard to tell,\u201d\u00a0 admitted the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s the problem with these diseases:\u00a0 you just can\u2019t tell what\u2019s going to happen next.\u00a0 Maybe someday, we\u2019ll be able to look at the heart and see what\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 In any event, that\u2019s not today.\u201d \u00a0He picked up his hat.\u00a0 \u201cToday\u2019s Tuesday.\u00a0 I\u2019ll stop back on Friday and see how he\u2019s doing.\u00a0 Obviously, if anything comes up between now and then, send for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

As the doctor drove away, Ben turned to Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cSon, would you heat up some broth for your brother?\u00a0 I\u2019m going to go up and sit with him for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Course I will,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 As his middle son retreated to the kitchen, Ben took the stairs two at a time . Outside Joe\u2019s room, he stopped and caught his breath.\u00a0 He knocked gently; when there was no answer, he opened the door.<\/p>\n

Joe was asleep.\u00a0 His curls were tousled, and his face was pale.\u00a0 He looked so much younger than his twenty-two years.\u00a0 Ben pulled up the bedside chair and sat close enough to hold the sleeping boy\u2019s hand.\u00a0 The doctor hadn\u2019t said it, but Ben knew in his bones how close he\u2019d come to losing Joseph that morning.\u00a0 He took Joe\u2019s hand in both of his.\u00a0 As he waited for Hoss to bring the broth, he kept vigil over his son.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The light and noise assaulted the brothers as they walked through the swinging doors.\u00a0 Men shouted and laughed, and the tinny piano tinkled.\u00a0 Joe flinched slightly.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss exchanged a brief glance over their brother\u2019s head.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll get the first round,\u201d said Hoss casually, as if these first few moments had not been meticulously choreographed.\u00a0 In the six months since Joe had returned from San Francisco, this was his first night out, and the older Cartwright brothers weren\u2019t taking any chances.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine by me,\u201d said Adam with deliberate laziness.\u00a0 He and Joe took up seats at a table, and Hoss brought over three mugs of beer.\u00a0 Much discussion had gone into the question of whether they should leave it up to Joe whether he wanted to drink or whether they should just go ahead as they\u2019d always done.\u00a0 Eventually, Adam and Hoss had decided that asking the question made too much of the issue and left Joe too conspicuous.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t as if the Bucket of Blood served coffee or lemonade; there were few choices besides beer or whiskey.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Big Brother,\u201d said Joe as Hoss placed the mug in front of him.\u00a0 He tried to hide a smile at his brothers\u2019 studied casualness.\u00a0 \u201cI couldn\u2019t tell you the last time I had one of these.\u201d\u00a0 He chuckled at his brothers\u2019 startled expressions.\u00a0 \u201cIt was whiskey that was the problem,\u201d he explained.\u00a0 \u201cWhen you want to get drunk, and you want to do it as fast as you can, you don\u2019t fool around with beer.\u00a0 That\u2019d take all night.\u201d\u00a0 He took a sip and laughed.\u00a0 \u201cAnd this beer is as warm as I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBert\u2019s never been much on the finer points of service,\u201d said Adam, relieved.\u00a0 The brothers slouched in their chairs, sipping beer and talking about nothing in particular.\u00a0 It was good to be back as they\u2019d once been, the Cartwright brothers out on a Saturday night.\u00a0 None of them admitted that part of what made it good was that their father wasn\u2019t there to hover.<\/p>\n

When they\u2019d planned the evening, Adam and Hoss had speculated as to whether Joe would stay with them or, as in the past, he\u2019d join a poker game or take up with one of the saloon girls.\u00a0 They were unsure whether to be disappointed or relieved that their brother seemed quite content to sit with them.\u00a0 After a while, though, it became clear that Joe wasn\u2019t paying as much attention to the conversation.\u00a0 Adam sipped his beer.\u00a0 \u201cSo, Joe, what do you think about that idea?\u201d he asked, a propos of nothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Oh, I think it\u2019s fine,\u201d said Joe hastily.<\/p>\n

Adam snorted.\u00a0 \u201cWhat idea are we talking about?\u201d\u00a0 At Joe\u2019s expression, perplexed and irritated at being trapped, he said softly, \u201cEverything okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup.\u00a0 I was just trying to see who was playing.\u00a0 Ain\u2019t seen him before.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss looked over his brother\u2019s head to the piano.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s Zeke Miller,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe the regular piano player here now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cThere ain\u2019t no regular piano player here,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI expect Zeke\u2019s there \u2019cuz that\u2019s where he set down when he came in.\u201d\u00a0 He drank and grinned, foam on his upper lip.\u00a0 \u201cWhyn\u2019t you take a turn?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a sip of his beer to buy time.\u00a0 Even as nervousness rose up, he found himself surprised by how much he wanted to do just that.\u00a0 It had been too long.\u00a0 He could almost feel the ivory beneath his fingers.\u00a0 He glanced around.\u00a0 It was a noisy saloon on a Saturday night.\u00a0 Nobody would really be listening, except his brothers.\u00a0 And if it didn\u2019t work, he could leave, and no one would be the wiser.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, Brother,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cOn one condition.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, don\u2019t forget, I got my start as an accompanist.\u201d\u00a0 He grinned at Adam.\u00a0 \u201cSomebody\u2019s gonna have to sing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss laughed, and Adam sputtered.\u00a0 \u201cI wasn\u2019t the one who suggested that you play!\u00a0 That was Hoss!\u00a0 Make him sing!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, now, Older Brother, you know better than that,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cBrother Hoss here couldn\u2019t carry a tune if you packed it in his saddlebags for him.\u00a0 You\u2019re the one who took singing lessons.\u00a0 And I never learned how to sing and play at the same time,\u201d he added, heading off what he knew to be the next suggestion.<\/p>\n

Adam glared from one brother to the other.\u00a0 He\u2019d have turned the whole fool notion down if it weren\u2019t for the look in Joe\u2019s eyes, like he\u2019d just seen the prettiest girl in the room smile at him.\u00a0 He swallowed the last of his beer and wiped the foam from his mouth.\u00a0 \u201cCome on,\u201d he said gruffly.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go make fools of ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

As they made their way to the piano, Hoss stood up and raised his mug.\u00a0 Gesturing wildly, and still laughing, he announced,\u00a0 \u201cLadies and gentlemen, I give you my brothers, Adam and Joe Cartwright!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShove over, Zeke,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He flexed his fingers and looked up at Adam.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Bert, we\u2019re gonna need another round up here!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure about that?\u201d Adam asked quietly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m just thinkin\u2019 of you, Older Brother,\u201d Joe grinned.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t remind Adam that he\u2019d left most of his beer on the table, and he knew Hoss was probably finishing it even as he spoke.\u00a0 As cavalier as he might pretend to be, Joe knew how fast he could travel down that slippery slope.\u00a0 He also knew, though, that appearances were important in a saloon.\u00a0 The audience didn\u2019t want to drink alone.<\/p>\n

Bert handed the mugs across to them, and Adam placed them on top of the piano.\u00a0 \u201cWhat song are we doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe laughed.\u00a0 \u201cYour favorite, of course,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll even do all seven verses if you want.\u201d\u00a0 With a flourish, he played a surprisingly complex introduction of \u201cEarly One Morning,\u201d nodding to cue Adam for his entrance.\u00a0 Adam rolled his eyes at his younger brother and launched into a deliberately over-the-top version of the song, complete with operatic vibrato and dramatic gestures.<\/p>\n

At the end, they were greeted with wild applause, boot-stomping and cheering.\u00a0 \u201cAin\u2019t you ever sung for these people before?\u201d asked Joe over the din.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is a first,\u201d admitted Adam. \u00a0And a last,<\/em> he thought wryly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Brother, let\u2019s give \u2019em some more, then!\u00a0 You know \u2018Sweet Betsy from Pike\u2019, right?\u201d\u00a0 Without waiting for an answer, Joe started the introduction, leaving Adam no choice but to join in.<\/p>\n

An hour later, Adam drained the second mug on top of the piano.\u00a0 Joe had been playing nonstop and hadn\u2019t touched either glass.\u00a0 He leaned down and said in Joe\u2019s ear, \u201cWhat do you say we take a break?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u00a0 Ain\u2019t you having fun?\u201d\u00a0 Joe clearly was.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy throat\u2019s raw,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 \u201cBut you just keep playing.\u201d\u00a0 Joe nodded, never having stopped, as Adam made his way through the crowd to the table where Hoss sat, grinning.<\/p>\n

\u201cDanged if that warn\u2019t the purtiest thing I ever did hear,\u201d Hoss said.\u00a0 Adam dropped into a chair.\u00a0 \u201cWho\u2019d a ever thought it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat I\u2019d be singing in a saloon?\u00a0 Or that I\u2019d be singing with Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEither one,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 He watched Joe, and his glee softened into something quieter.\u00a0 \u201cLook at him,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s the happiest I seen him since before he left.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam followed Hoss\u2019 gaze. \u00a0His brother was right. \u00a0There was a light about the kid that he\u2019d never seen.\u00a0 When they\u2019d heard him play in San Francisco, he\u2019d been in the depths of despair and whiskey, and his music had reflected it.\u00a0 Adam wasn\u2019t fool enough to think that all Joe\u2019s problems were over just because he\u2019d finally gotten himself to a piano, but he also knew that what\u2019s inside a man comes out in his music, whether he means it to or not. \u00a0After all these months of grief and depression, something else was rising to the surface. \u00a0At least for tonight, Joe\u2019s music was about laughter and good times, about happiness, about being alive.\u00a0 It was the music of a man who believes in some tiny corner of his soul that there might be something left for him in this world after all.\u00a0 It was the music of a man who has found that he might just still have a little bit of faith.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

On the steps of the church the next morning, people chatted and laughed.\u00a0 As the Cartwrights approached, Zeke Miller called out, \u201cThere he is, Reverend!\u201d<\/p>\n

The Cartwrights looked at each other.\u00a0 Ever the father of sons, Ben\u2019s first thought was, Which one, and what did he do?\u00a0 <\/em>From what they\u2019d said over breakfast, their evening in town had been quite tame.\u00a0 No one came home with blood or bruises, and there was no talk of paying for damages from barroom brawls.\u00a0 Hoss had regaled him with the story of Adam and Joe\u2019s performance while Adam shook his head, grinning.\u00a0 Ben chuckled.\u00a0 Even now, they couldn\u2019t say \u201cno\u201d to Joe, any more than they had when he was a child.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d\u00a0 Reverend Abbott approached him.<\/p>\n

Joe gulped. \u00a0Years of being a less-than-stellar member of the Sunday school rushed back.\u00a0 It was never that he set out to make trouble; it was more that trouble just seemed to find him, even when he had the best of intentions.\u00a0 When he was seven, and he and Mitch Devlin found the frog, it only made good sense that they should take it in with them, because it sure wouldn\u2019t be there when they came back out.\u00a0 When he was ten, it seemed reasonable to try to parlay his offering money into a little bit more for the Lord, and poker games behind the church seemed the most likely way to manage it.\u00a0 And when he was twelve, he found that kissing Ella Tompkins was much more fun than listening to Mrs. Thacker recite the Beatitudes.\u00a0 So, even now, as the reverend singled him out, his first thought was, What did I do?<\/em><\/p>\n

The men exchanged greetings, and Reverend Abbott turned to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder if I might impose on you this morning, Joseph,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure there\u2019d be no imposition at all,\u201d said Joe smoothly.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam carefully avoided looking at each other, lest they be unable to keep straight faces.<\/p>\n

\u201cMrs. Droppers is ill this morning,\u201d the reverend said.\u00a0 The church\u2019s longtime pianist was notable for her corncob pipe and her strict adherence to the arrangements in the hymnal.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry to hear that,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He knew what was coming.\u00a0 His first thought was to refuse.\u00a0 He could play in saloons, but a church was something else again.\u00a0 Besides, Dusty had taught him theory and shown him relationships between chords, but precious little time had been spent in learning to play the actual notes on the page.\u00a0 He could read the chords and could work within and around them, but if they wanted Mrs.\u00a0Droppers\u2019 ultra-precise four-voice hymn arrangements, they had the wrong piano player.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was wondering if you would be willing to play for us this morning in her place,\u201d said the reverend.<\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth to decline.\u00a0 Two things stopped him.\u00a0 One was the sudden memory of the priest at St. Catherine\u2019s, all those months ago, the man who had told him that he was a musician.\u00a0 He remembered the feeling he\u2019d had when the priest had said this.\u00a0 It was reminiscent of the stories Adam used to read to him where mere men were transformed into knights by a few words and the laying of a sword on their shoulders.\u00a0 The priest hadn\u2019t had a sword, but his simple pronouncement bestowed on Joe not just an honor, but a responsibility.\u00a0 Part of that responsibility meant using what you had to help out.\u00a0 His own father had taught him that.<\/p>\n

And that was the second thing that stopped him from declining:\u00a0 the look on his father\u2019s face as he awaited Joe\u2019s answer.\u00a0 Pa had only heard him play twice.\u00a0 The first time, he was drunk, and they hadn\u2019t even known each other.\u00a0 The second time, just before Christmas, he\u2019d been so locked up in his own grief that the music had been lifeless.\u00a0\u00a0 For so long, he hadn\u2019t played because he was afraid of what he would feel.\u00a0 But he\u2019d played last night, and he hadn\u2019t fallen apart.\u00a0 More importantly, there had been life in the music.\u00a0 As he stood on the steps of the church, Joe knew that, regardless of what else happened, he would continue to play.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t just his legacy from Robin, although that was part of it.\u00a0 The need ran deeper.\u00a0 He\u2019d always been one for strong feelings, and he\u2019d expressed them in the accepted ways of the west, words and fistfights and riding too fast and taking too many chances.\u00a0 There had been the less-accepted ways, too:\u00a0 he\u2019d always been quicker to tears than any other man he knew.\u00a0 He would always continue to express his feelings in all these ways.\u00a0 What the piano offered was something different. \u00a0He\u2019d learned this from Robin, with him.\u00a0 Music was a way to say what he couldn\u2019t put into words.\u00a0 And he had things to say to his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d be happy to, Reverend,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the broad smile spread across Ben\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The Cartwright brothers strode into the saloon in Placerville as if they owned it.\u00a0 Still covered in trail dust and sweat, they\u2019d decided that they would make this quick stop before checking into the hotel. \u00a0It was another first\u2014the first time that Joe had been away from the Ponderosa overnight since he\u2019d returned from San Francisco.\u00a0 He knew that his father was nervous about the prospect of his overdoing it, but he also knew that Hoss and Adam had privately promised Ben to keep a close eye on him.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t supposed to overhear that conversation, but the window to the porch had been open, and he couldn\u2019t step away when he heard his name.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, I want you three to take your time and not push too hard,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 Even without seeing him, Joe knew that there was a sternness in his father\u2019s face that nearly belied the nervousness in his voice.\u00a0 His father\u2019s approach to uncertainty had always been to smack it down, hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, we\u2019ll be fine.\u201d\u00a0 Adam had long years of experience at soothing Ben.\u00a0 \u201cDoc said it was okay for Joe to go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you worry, Pa,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll take good care of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Good care of him?\u00a0 Joe bit back a protest.\u00a0 He\u2019d promised himself that he would try not to expect too much from his father.\u00a0 For the moment, it was enough that Ben was willing to let him go on this trip at all.\u00a0 He knew that he needed to be patient with his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere you go.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019 voice broke into Joe\u2019s memory as he slid a mug of beer to his brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sipped and started to turn from the bar to survey the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrenchy!\u201d\u00a0 A high-pitched squeal of delight pierced the din.\u00a0 Joe nearly choked on his beer as Ruthie ran up to him.\u00a0 He barely managed to set the glass on the bar before she had her arms around his neck, hanging on for all she was worth.<\/p>\n

\u201cRuthie!\u201d\u00a0 The two old friends kissed.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d\u00a0 With his arm around her waist, he turned to his brothers.\u00a0 \u201cHoss, Adam, this is Ruthie.\u00a0 She used to work at the Dove when I was there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve met,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cNice to see you again, ma\u2019am.\u201d\u00a0 He and Hoss tipped their hats.\u00a0 Ruthie was one of the saloon girls who had told them about Frenchy, the piano player.\u00a0 Their stories had helped Adam and Hoss to deduce that Frenchy was their missing brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doin\u2019 here?\u201d Ruthie laughed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re just passing through,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you<\/em> doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSame,\u201d said Ruthie.\u00a0 She hung onto Joe as they all took seats at a table.\u00a0 \u201cI left the Dove last winter, \u2019cuz I thought I\u2019d do better back east, but y\u2019know what?\u00a0 I\u2019m not a country girl.\u00a0 I like the city.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m goin\u2019 back to San Francisco.\u00a0 I figure Phil will take me back.\u00a0 I was one of his best girls.\u201d\u00a0 She waited for Joe\u2019s agreement.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t disappoint her.\u00a0 \u201cYou were definitely one of the prettiest,\u201d he said, kissing the tip of her nose.\u00a0 \u201cBut why do you want to go back?\u00a0 You used to talk about getting out of the saloon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruthie shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s who I am,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cSometimes, you just gotta be who you are and stop tryin\u2019 to be somethin\u2019 else.\u00a0 Like Judith.\u00a0 She\u2019s been in the business a long time, and she ain\u2019t never gonna do nothin\u2019 else, and that\u2019s fine with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was silent.\u00a0 In the months after Robin died, he and Judith had had plenty of time to talk.\u00a0 He remembered lying next to her at night as she opened her heart to him, admitting that she had wanted to be a schoolteacher.\u00a0 She\u2019d left school so young, though, that she wasn\u2019t nearly qualified for such a job.\u00a0 As he\u2019d drifted in and out of an alcoholic haze, she spoke of how much she wanted to be respectable, to have a job where people looked up to her, where she could mold and shape young lives.\u00a0 Instead, she was trapped in the only job she\u2019d ever had, and probably would ever have.\u00a0 Joe tried to force a smile for Ruthie, but anyone could see that it wasn\u2019t real.<\/p>\n

Ruthie commandeered a bottle and some glasses.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s drink to being who you are,\u201d she said.\u00a0 She started to pour each of them a drink.\u00a0 As soon she got to Joe, he stayed her hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do that anymore,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He spoke softly, as if confiding in her.\u00a0 Adam recognized the cleverness of his brother\u2019s approach:\u00a0 Ruthie immediately moved the glass away from him, his newly self-appointed protector against the ravages of drink.\u00a0 Within moments, she returned from the bar with a glass and placed it in front of him.\u00a0 She leaned over and whispered to him, and he smiled and nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d asked Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a little something the bartender keeps for us to make sure we don\u2019t get too drunk,\u201d Ruthie said.\u00a0 She positioned herself squarely beside Joe.\u00a0 \u201cAre you going to play tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHadn\u2019t really thought about it,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you should,\u201d said Ruthie.\u00a0 To Adam and Hoss, she said, \u201cHe\u2019s the best I\u2019ve ever heard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot better than Dusty,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cMuch better,\u201d pronounced Ruthie.\u00a0 Joe might have gotten the secret nonalcoholic concoction, but she was drinking whiskey.\u00a0 \u201cYou know what you should do?\u00a0 Come back to San Francisco with me!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy should I do that?\u201d asked Joe, sipping his drink and trying not to grimace at its sweet taste.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause it\u2019s where you belong,\u201d insisted Ruthie.\u00a0 \u201cCome on.\u00a0 When were you ever happier than that first year you were there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDarlin\u2019, don\u2019t forget, Robin was there for the first year,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not like she\u2019d be there if I went back now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the rest of us would be,\u201d said Ruthie.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019d be just like old times, except you wouldn\u2019t be drunk any more.\u00a0 You could play every night, and we\u2019d all have a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d said Joe evasively.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t as if the thought had never crossed his mind, but he didn\u2019t want to talk about it with Adam and Hoss sitting beside him.\u00a0 They were being far too quiet as it was.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, where are you playing now?\u201d demanded Ruthie.<\/p>\n

\u201cNowhere regular,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cOccasionally at a place in Virginia City, but just when we\u2019re there for a beer. \u00a0Oh, and I played a church service once,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n

\u201dAnd some church in San Francisco, Saint Somebody-or-other.\u00a0 I remember Judith talking about it after\u2014afterward,\u201d she ended clumsily.<\/p>\n

\u201cSt. Catherine\u2019s,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cThey had a grand piano.\u00a0 That was one fine instrument.\u201d\u00a0 A small, private smile played around his mouth and his eyes grew hazy, as if he were recalling a long-ago love.\u00a0 Dreamily, he said, \u201cI wonder if they ever hired somebody for that job.\u201d\u00a0 Quickly, he shook his head and came back to the present.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure they did,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cIt was such a long time ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou never know,\u201d said Ruthie.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if they need somebody now?\u00a0 What if the person they hired isn\u2019t there any more?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe grinned.\u00a0 \u201cAh, you temptress, you,\u201d he teased.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should play now,\u201d Ruthie said.\u00a0 \u201cI haven\u2019t heard you play in so long.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth as if to agree.\u00a0 Something in his brothers\u2019 eyes stopped him.\u00a0 Instead, he said, \u201cActually, we just stopped in for a quick drink to wash the trail dust out of our throats.\u00a0 We\u2019ve gotta get over to the hotel and clean up before somebody dumps us in a watering trough.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay if you want to take a few minutes,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cFrankly, I\u2019m pretty tired,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI think I\u2019m just going to clean up and turn in.\u201d\u00a0 He tossed a handful of coins on the table; then, he took Ruthie\u2019s hand and tucked some bills into it.\u00a0 \u201cYou have a safe trip back to San Francisco,\u201d he said softly.\u00a0 He kissed her gently and picked up his hat.\u00a0 \u201cYou two ready to go?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss rose.\u00a0 \u201cNice seein\u2019 you again, ma\u2019am,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 He and Hoss tipped their hats, and they followed Joe out of the saloon.<\/p>\n

Back at the hotel, it was Joe who was the quiet one.\u00a0 In his quest to ensure that Joe did not become overtired, Ben had authorized whatever expenses his sons chose to incur.\u00a0 It took Adam, as holder of the purse strings, only a glance at his youngest brother to decide on a comfortable suite of rooms, complete with a private bathtub, rather than the usual room and bathtub down the hall.\u00a0 While Joe was soaking in the tub, Adam ordered room service.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe could have gone out for dinner,\u201d Joe said wryly as the carts were wheeled into the room.\u00a0 Two young men set the table by the window, laying silverware and arranging covered plates.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just thought this would be a nice change,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYes, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss laughed as Adam tried to keep a straight face.<\/p>\n

\u201cFine!\u201d\u00a0 Adam admitted.\u00a0 \u201cYou said you were tired, you look tired, and I just thought\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014you thought you promised Pa that you\u2019d take good care of me,\u201d Joe finished.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t look so surprised.\u00a0 Nobody ever closes that window properly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was Hoss who said that!\u201d Adam said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cBut he\u2019s not the one who ordered room service.\u00a0 What do we have here, anyway?\u201d\u00a0 He lifted the covers on the plates, inspecting the meal.\u00a0 He looked up to see his brothers watching him, clearly uncertain whether he was upset with them for their protectiveness.\u00a0 He fought back the urge to start the familiar litany.\u00a0 What was done was done.\u00a0 Besides, they might as well be happy now.\u00a0 They probably wouldn\u2019t be later.\u00a0 He forced a grin.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s eat.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hours later, Hoss awoke from a sound sleep.\u00a0 He had no idea what had wakened him.\u00a0 He listened.\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 Nothing to explain why he felt distinctly uneasy.\u00a0 With a grace unexpected in so large a man, he slipped from his bed and moved soundlessly to the door.\u00a0 Slowly, he opened it.\u00a0 No sign of anything untoward.\u00a0 The doors to Adam\u2019s and Joe\u2019s rooms were closed.\u00a0 He perused the living room by the little bit of light coming in the windows from the street.\u00a0 Something was amiss.\u00a0 He looked carefully.\u00a0 Then, he realized what was wrong.<\/p>\n

His jacket and Adam\u2019s hung by the door.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s jacket was missing.<\/p>\n

Hoss opened the door to Joe\u2019s room.\u00a0 The bed was empty.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn,\u201d he muttered.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t take a genius to figure out where the boy had gone.\u00a0 He opened Adam\u2019s door.\u00a0 His older brother slept peacefully, snoring softly.\u00a0 \u201cAdam,\u201d he called, shaking his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cAdam!\u00a0 Wake up!\u00a0 Joe\u2019s gone!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Adam was like Pa\u2014as soon as they were awake, they were wide awake.\u00a0 Joe and Hoss were different; they required time to reach full consciousness.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis jacket ain\u2019t here, and neither is he,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

Adam regarded his brother.\u00a0 They both knew where he\u2019d gone.\u00a0 \u201cYou think we should go get him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think he\u2019s on his way to San Francisco\u2014leastways, not tonight\u2014but I don\u2019t mind tellin\u2019 you, I\u2019m a little nervous\u2014him, that girl and a whiskey bottle.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cJust give me a minute to get dressed.\u201d<\/p>\n

As they approached the saloon, they could hear the music.\u00a0 It sounded plaintive, almost mournful.\u00a0 Adam started to open the swinging door, but a hand on the top of the doors stopped him.<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, mister, we\u2019re closed for the night,\u201d said the bartender firmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re with him.\u201d\u00a0 The bartender looked from one brother to the other before stepping aside to let them in.<\/p>\n

Ruthie sat in a chair by the side of the piano, and she leaned against it, sound asleep.\u00a0 A skinny black man swabbed the floors.\u00a0 The bartender polished glasses.\u00a0 Through it all, Joe played his quiet, sad music.\u00a0 A half-empty bottle sat beside the piano.<\/p>\n

Adam swore softly.\u00a0 When Hoss looked at him questioningly, he nodded to the bottle.\u00a0 \u201cDang fool,\u201d muttered the large man angrily.\u00a0 They crossed the room, boots noisy on the wooden floor.\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t look up until they stood beside him.\u00a0 He brought the music to a close before he looked up.\u00a0 His eyes were dark with pain.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the hell have you been doin\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 demanded Hoss, jerking his brother to his feet.<\/p>\n

Joe tried to pull his arm from his brother\u2019s grasp.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u00a0 I\u2019ve been right here all night,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you drunk?\u201d Adam leaned in to smell his brother\u2019s breath.<\/p>\n

Joe drew back.\u00a0 \u201cAre you crazy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen what\u2019s this?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss snatched up the bottle and held it in front of Joe\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Joe slapped it aside.\u00a0 His face hardened.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s what you thought?\u00a0 That\u2019s why you thought I came back here?\u201d\u00a0 He looked from one brother to the other.\u00a0 His eyes were a jumble of emotions:\u00a0 anger, disappointment, sadness, bitterness, resignation.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe woke up, and you weren\u2019t in the room,\u201d said Adam. \u00a0\u201dWhat were we supposed to think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t sleep,\u201d said Joe evenly.\u00a0 He was controlling his fury and hurt, but just barely. \u00a0\u201cI came down here to see a friend.\u00a0 And to play.\u00a0 That\u2019s all.\u201d\u00a0 He pushed past Hoss to Ruthie.\u00a0 As he knelt beside her, he looked up at his brothers.\u00a0 \u201cBut thanks for your faith in me. \u00a0You have no idea what it means.\u201d\u00a0 He lifted the sleeping girl and turned to the bartender.\u00a0 \u201cWhich room is hers?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTop of the stairs on your left,\u201d said the bartender.\u00a0 \u201cNumber three.\u201d<\/p>\n

Without so much as a backward glance, Joe carried Ruthie upstairs.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam watched him go.\u00a0 \u201cThink we should wait?\u201d Hoss said finally.<\/p>\n

Adam regarded the stairs as if they would reveal something.\u00a0 He shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019ll be back when he\u2019s ready,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Hoss looked startled.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t think\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think that at all.\u00a0 She\u2019s his friend, and she\u2019s drunk.\u00a0 Our little brother may have his flaws, but lack of honor isn\u2019t one of them.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t think he\u2019s all that eager to see us right now.\u00a0 Not that I blame him.\u201d\u00a0 He took the bottle from Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe\u2014\u201d\u00a0 He broke off.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe what?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam shook his head again.\u00a0 \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 Let\u2019s go.\u201d\u00a0 He set the bottle on the piano.<\/p>\n

Upstairs, Joe set Ruthie on the bed.\u00a0 Without waking her, he removed her shoes and drew the coverlet over her.\u00a0 He stood by the bed, watching her.\u00a0 Part of him wanted to lie down next to her, just to feel the warmth of another person.\u00a0 The rest of him knew that this would be a bad idea for any number of reasons.\u00a0 He took the shawl from the chair in the corner and sat down, stretching out his legs in front of him and leaning back.\u00a0 He draped the shawl across him for a makeshift blanket.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t be as comfortable as his bed at the hotel, but it would do for tonight.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss were finishing breakfast as Joe strode into the suite.\u00a0 \u201cMornin\u2019, Little Brother,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201dMorning brothers,\u201d he said as he stumbled through the door.\u00a0 He leaned against the door and closed his eyes.\u00a0 Maybe Ruthie was right.\u00a0 Maybe he belonged in San Francisco, among people who weren\u2019t constantly expecting him to fail.\u00a0 He thought about leaving the Ponderosa, and a dark weight pressed on his chest.<\/p>\n

A knock made him jump.\u00a0 He opened the door warily.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss looked solemn.\u00a0 Adam said, \u201cIf you want some breakfast, there\u2019s still plenty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks.\u201d\u00a0 Joe started to close the door, but Adam stopped him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re sorry about last night,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Hoss nodded his acquiescence.\u00a0 \u201cWe jumped to a bad conclusion, and it wasn\u2019t fair.\u00a0 We\u2019re sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d\u00a0 Before Joe closed the door, Adam saw something in his brother\u2019s eyes that he\u2019d never seen before.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Ben watched the sorrel try to buck his son off.\u00a0 Joe was with the horse, his concentration fierce.\u00a0 Every shift of weight, every squeeze of his legs, every tightening or loosening of the reins, had a purpose.\u00a0 Even after all this time, the boy hadn\u2019t lost his touch. \u00a0He was still the best bronc buster on the ranch, even if he was limited in how much he could do in a day. \u00a0If only this could be enough.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

It had been nearly three weeks since his sons had ridden in so silently, none of them meeting his eyes.\u00a0 All, when asked, had claimed that the trip was fine.\u00a0 As much as anything else, their use of the same word piqued his concern.\u00a0 He felt reasonably certain that he knew where the problem lay, if not what it was.\u00a0 So, after dinner that night, he went out to the porch and waited, disregarding the slight chill in the early autumn air.\u00a0 Only a few minutes later, the front door opened.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s calm voice carried unquestioned authority.\u00a0 Joe stopped in the middle of the yard and turned to his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome and sit for a minute, will you?\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t quite a request.\u00a0 Joe sat on the porch step and turned to face his father.\u00a0 \u201cWhere are you off to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust going into town,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just got home,\u201d Ben observed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir.\u201d\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t giving anything away tonight.<\/p>\n

Ben sighed inwardly.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asked.\u00a0 His deep brown eyes were so tender that Joe had to look away.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d\u00a0 The gentle warning was unmistakable.<\/p>\n

Joe decided to tell the part he could.\u00a0 \u201cI ran into Ruthie in Placerville,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cYou remember Ruthie, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 Curly brown hair, laughs a lot?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201dI remember her from Hudson Street,\u201d\u00a0 Ben had always suspected that she harbored a crush on his son.\u00a0 \u201cWhat was she doing in Placerville?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWorking her way back to San Francisco,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cGuess she left around the time we did, thought she\u2019d try life away from the big city.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t work out, so she\u2019s going back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Something didn\u2019t make sense.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe wanted me to go back with her,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart dropped like a stone.\u00a0 \u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you going?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe opened his mouth to deny it.\u00a0 Instead, he said, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 Immediately, he hated himself for the pain in his father\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that what you want?\u201d\u00a0 Ben braced himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it wouldn\u2019t be such a bad idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you say that?\u201d\u00a0 Ask questions, gather information.\u00a0 Don\u2019t assume you know what he\u2019s thinking.\u00a0 There may be a way around this.<\/em>\u00a0 The boy was impetuous enough.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t need help in jumping to the wrong conclusion.<\/p>\n

Joe shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cA fresh start might not be a bad thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

A fresh start.\u00a0 Back in San Francisco\u2014it wouldn\u2019t be a fresh start, it would just be going back.\u00a0 Something didn\u2019t fit.\u00a0 Ben took a guess.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened with your brothers?\u201d he asked gently.\u00a0 Joe looked down quickly.\u00a0 Bulls-eye.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 When his father was silent, he added, \u201cIt wasn\u2019t their fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben raised his eyebrows.\u00a0 This was new.\u00a0 The Joe he knew used to move heaven and earth to lay all the blame on his brothers and present himself as pure, innocent and entirely put-upon.\u00a0 His son\u2019s response told him two things.\u00a0 First, Joe had indeed grown up.\u00a0 And second, the matter was much more serious than he\u2019d first assumed.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u201d\u00a0 he asked again.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter,\u201d said Joe, rising.\u00a0 \u201cThey meant well, and they had their reasons.\u201d\u00a0 He started for the barn.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d\u00a0 Ben\u2019s deep voice cut through the evening.\u00a0 Joe stopped, but did not turn.\u00a0 Ben waited.\u00a0 He knew he could outwait his son.<\/p>\n

He was not disappointed.\u00a0 Joe turned to face him. \u00a0\u201cPa, it doesn\u2019t matter what they did.\u00a0 They thought they were doing what was right. \u00a0They did it because they cared. \u00a0They just got things wrong, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 People do that.\u00a0 Just let it go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, I want to know what happened.\u201d\u00a0 It was the stern tone which, when disobeyed, had preceded many a tanning.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you should ask them,\u201d said Joe. \u00a0Don\u2019t make me repeat it,<\/em> he thought.\u00a0 Just knowing the words had been said once, by his beloved brothers, was nearly as much as he could stand.\u00a0 In the gathering dusk, he stood almost far enough from his father to disguise the fact that he was barely holding himself together.\u00a0 All he wanted was to escape to the barn before he punched something or cried like a little kid.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m asking you.\u201d\u00a0 The deliberate manner would brook no interference.\u00a0 If he sensed how close his son was to losing control, Ben gave no sign.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you,\u201d said Hoss quietly.<\/p>\n

Neither of them had heard Hoss and Adam come outside.\u00a0 The two men walked across the porch to where their father sat.\u00a0 Ben couldn\u2019t remember seeing Hoss look so troubled.\u00a0 Adam was unreadable, a sure sign that he was upset.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe accused Joe of bein\u2019 drunk when there warn\u2019t no reason to,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 His father might not have been able to see the battle his brother was fighting, but Hoss saw it plain.\u00a0 Even if he hadn\u2019t, he\u2019d have known.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would do you that?\u201d\u00a0 Ben was confused.<\/p>\n

Adam began, \u201cBecause\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause they did have a reason,\u201d Joe cut in. \u00a0His words were laced with bitter resignation. \u00a0\u201cThey saw me drunk in San Francisco.\u00a0 They knew what I was capable of.\u00a0 Turns out, it doesn\u2019t matter how long you\u2019re sober.\u00a0 It\u2019s the first thing people think about you.\u201d\u00a0 The tears stood in his eyes; only by a massive effort did he hold them back.\u00a0 \u201cEven when you thought that, just maybe\u2014\u201d\u00a0 His voice broke.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re so sorry, Little Brother.\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s eyes were dark with sorrow and regret.\u00a0 \u201cWe didn\u2019t mean it like that.\u00a0 We were worried, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you jumped to conclusions.\u201d\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t try to disguise his anger.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t blame them, Pa,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t I?\u201d\u00a0 Why else was the boy talking about leaving, about a fresh start?<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cBecause you\u2019d have thought the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, son, I wouldn\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 The denial was instinctive.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, you\u2019ve never lied to me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe walked closer to the three men on the porch.\u00a0 He met his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cCan you honestly tell me that if you saw what they saw\u2014me in a saloon in the middle of the night, a piano, a bottle\u2014can you look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn\u2019t have thought the same thing?\u00a0 Even for a second?\u201d\u00a0 Tears glistened as he held his father\u2019s gaze.\u00a0 Trapped, unable to lie, Ben said nothing.\u00a0 After a long moment, the tears Joe had held at bay spilled over as realization dawned.\u00a0 Until that moment, neither had recognized the hope that he had held in his heart. \u00a0\u201cYou can\u2019t, can you?\u201d\u00a0 his son whispered.\u00a0 He turned and walked to the barn, shoulders slumped.\u00a0 As he watched his son walk away, defeated, Ben felt his heart break.<\/p>\n

Three weeks later, he watched his son walk away from him again, this time to choose the next horse for breaking. \u00a0He looked around the corral and beyond, to the statuesque pines, the rough mountains and lush meadows.\u00a0 The crisp autumn air heightened his sense of the beauty and grandeur of this land. \u00a0He couldn\u2019t see the lake from here, but its presence was undeniable. \u00a0He didn\u2019t know how long Joe would be here.\u00a0 He understood now what the boy meant about a fresh start.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t about starting over with people who didn\u2019t know his past.\u00a0 It was about being with people who simply accepted who he was, without judgment.\u00a0 It was about being with people who would embrace him if he failed, but who weren\u2019t sitting around waiting for it to happen.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s your brother?\u201d asked Ben anxiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cDown at the corral, jest like you wanted,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t have said why, but this whole thing made him a touch uneasy.\u00a0 His pa was setting such a store by this present.\u00a0 If it didn\u2019t work, if Joe didn\u2019t act the way Pa wanted, Pa was going to be crushed.<\/p>\n

Adam had tried to talk Ben out of it.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a magnificent gift,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut under the circumstances, it could be misconstrued.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow?\u00a0 It\u2019s a birthday present!\u201d\u00a0 It was unclear whether he simply didn\u2019t understand or whether he was practicing his response if Joe raised questions.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a lot more than that,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 Hoss had to agree with that.\u00a0 When Ben had told them what he was planning, they\u2019d both thought he was plumb out of his mind.\u00a0 It was as clear a bribe as they\u2019d ever seen.\u00a0 Stay here, and I\u2019ll buy you your own piano.<\/em>\u00a0 As if that was the reason Joe was talking about leaving.<\/p>\n

Eventually, Adam had stepped in to help.\u00a0 Until he did, Ben was talking about a concert grand piano.\u00a0 Adam explained that that instrument was nearly nine feet long.\u00a0 It took a number of whispered conversations, conducted while Hoss claimed Joe\u2019s attention in the barn, before their pa agreed that their living room was simply better suited to an upright.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey have something called a parlor grand,\u201d Ben said hopefully, holding out the letter from the piano manufacturers.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s only six feet long.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd five feet wide,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cPa, it\u2019s still a grand piano, and it\u2019s still a lot bigger than we have room for.\u201d\u00a0 Ben harrumphed and pored over the letter again, trying to find a grand piano that their home could accommodate.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t that they didn\u2019t understand the point.\u00a0 Ben had heard Joe talk about that grand piano at that church where he\u2019d almost gotten a job.\u00a0 As far as his older sons could tell, it seemed as if their father thought that if Joe had a grand piano right here at home, he wouldn\u2019t need to go back to San Francisco.<\/p>\n

It seemed to Hoss that Pa wasn\u2019t usually this far off the mark, but the notion of Joe going back to San Francisco had him right addled.\u00a0 Joe hadn\u2019t even mentioned going back since that awful night out in the yard, but Pa had somehow gotten it into his head that getting Joe his own piano would keep him here, would solve everything.\u00a0 Hoss knew better.\u00a0 He\u2019d spent enough time watching his little brother when Joe didn\u2019t know it, and he\u2019d seen the look in his brother\u2019s eyes in those unguarded moments.\u00a0 Hoss couldn\u2019t have said if the boy would stay or go, but he knew in his heart that the decision wouldn\u2019t be made by a piano, no matter how fine.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo get him!\u201d\u00a0 Ben was so impatient that you\u2019d have thought it was his birthday, and not Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 Hoss avoided Adam\u2019s eyes as he trudged out to the yard to get Chubb.\u00a0 As he mounted, he thought, Please, oh please, let Joe be excited about this.<\/em><\/p>\n

Getting Joe up to the house wasn\u2019t a problem.\u00a0 Just before they went in, though, Hoss stopped him.<\/p>\n

\u201dHey little brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was nearly as impatient as his father had been earlier.<\/p>\n

Hoss\u2019 blue eyes were somber.\u00a0 He laid a hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder, and Joe knew that he was serious.\u00a0 \u201cNo matter what you think, just remember\u2014he means this in the best way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019re you talkin\u2019 about?\u201d\u00a0 Joe demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cJest\u2014jest remember that, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe searched his brother\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cOkay,\u201d he said.\u00a0 It was a promise.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 He\u2019d done the best he could.<\/p>\n

As soon as they entered the living room, Ben shouted, \u201cHappy birthday, son!\u201d\u00a0 He swept the sheet off the bulky item along the wall between the landing and his desk.\u00a0 Joe stopped in his tracks, shocked.<\/p>\n

The instrument was beautiful.\u00a0 The cherry cabinet was dark red and straight-grained, with no visible imperfections.\u00a0 It was polished to a high gloss.\u00a0 It shone in the lamplight.\u00a0 The bench was made of the same wood.\u00a0 A needlepoint cushion rested atop it.<\/p>\n

In that instant, Joe understood what Hoss had meant.\u00a0 He knew exactly what the gift was meant to do.\u00a0 And he knew what was expected of him, what he\u2019d promised without knowing it.\u00a0 So, he threw himself into his performance with gusto.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u00a0 It\u2019s incredible!\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe you did this!\u201d\u00a0 He surveyed the piano.\u00a0 There was no disputing that it was magnificent.\u00a0 Gently, he opened the keyboard cover. \u00a0He recognized the manufacturer.\u00a0 Steinway & Sons. \u00a0The finest pianos in the world. \u00a0The piano at St. Catherine\u2019s had been a Steinway. \u00a0It was the only Steinway he\u2019d ever touched. \u00a0The ivory and ebony keys on this instrument glistened.\u00a0 Come to us,<\/em> they whispered.\u00a0 We are all you\u2019ll ever need.<\/em>\u00a0 If only it were true.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you won\u2019t have to go to the Bucket of Blood to play,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 Or San Francisco,<\/em> he thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cTheirs is nothing compared to this one!\u201d enthused Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve never seen anything like it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAren\u2019t you going to try it out?\u201d\u00a0 Ben had been most gratified by his son\u2019s reaction.\u00a0 It was all he could do not to send a smug look in Adam\u2019s direction.<\/p>\n

Joe held up his hands.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve just been at the corral,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got to clean up before I touch this one.\u00a0 But Pa, it\u2019s just beautiful.\u00a0 Thank you so much!\u201d\u00a0 He darted out to the kitchen.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee?\u201d\u00a0 Ben faced his older sons.\u00a0 \u201cHe loves it.\u00a0 It was the right thing to do.\u201d\u00a0 And he isn\u2019t feeling pressured to stay just because I spent an exorbitant amount on his gift,<\/em> he wanted to add.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss didn\u2019t look at each other.\u00a0 Their father sounded as if he believed his own words and Joe\u2019s enthusiasm.\u00a0 They weren\u2019t about to mess with that.\u00a0 When Ben turned his back, though, Adam shot Hoss a questioning look.\u00a0 Hoss nodded slightly.\u00a0 Adam sighed.\u00a0 He\u2019d thought as much.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

Ben and Adam were seated across from each other at Ben\u2019s desk when Hoss opened the front door.\u00a0 \u201cMail\u2019s here!\u201d called Hoss.\u00a0 His father and brother leaned back in their chairs as he stood over the desk, sorting through the envelopes.\u00a0 \u201cPa, Pa, Pa, Pa\u2014don\u2019t nobody else ever get mail here?\u00a0 Oh, here\u2019s one for you, Older Brother, and here\u2019s one for Joe.\u201d\u00a0 He looked at the envelope, then looked again.\u00a0 \u201cSince when is the Episcopal church writin\u2019 to our little brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d \u00a0Ben looked up from his own mail. \u00a0Marie had been Catholic, and while there had been talk of raising Joe in her faith, logistics had defeated this plan:\u00a0 there was no Catholic church within twenty miles of the ranch. Like many western towns, Virginia City had but one church, a generic Protestant house of worship where the preacher was careful to avoid some of the stickier doctrinal points that had divided folks into various denominations.\u00a0 \u201cLet me see,\u201d he said, holding out his hand for the letter.<\/p>\n

Hoss hesitated.\u00a0 \u201cI shouldn\u2019t\u2019ve said anything,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s Joe\u2019s, and it\u2019s up to him what he wants to tell us about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s on the envelope is public knowledge,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cThe stage driver could know that, so I\u2019m sure it\u2019s okay that we do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, when you put it that way\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Something about Adam\u2019s logic didn\u2019t sit quite right with Hoss, but he couldn\u2019t have said what it was.\u00a0 He handed the letter to his father.<\/p>\n

Ben read the return address.\u00a0 His heart sank. \u00a0His gaze fell on the piano, just a few feet away. \u00a0He handed the letter back to Hoss wordlessly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u00a0 Who\u2019s it from?\u201d\u00a0 Adam took the letter back and read aloud.\u00a0 \u201c\u2018Father R.\u00a0Ryan, St. Catherine\u2019s Episcopal Church, Garden Street, San Francisco.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSt. Catherine\u2019s?\u00a0 Ain\u2019t that the place Joe was talkin\u2019 about that night we saw Ruthie?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss asked.\u00a0 Adam nodded.\u00a0 \u201cWonder why they\u2019re writin\u2019 to Joe,\u201d Hoss mused.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I had to guess, I\u2019d say it\u2019s a response to something he\u2019s written to them,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Hoss broke off as the memory of the conversation in Placerville refreshed itself.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t think\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, this is where everybody is,\u201d interrupted Joe as he burst through the door.\u00a0 His face was dirty, but he looked quite pleased with himself. \u00a0\u201cHey, Hoss, you wanna give me a hand with the wagon? \u00a0I\u2019ve got to get the new wheel on, but I don\u2019t think I\u2019m up to lifting the wagon quite yet!\u201d\u00a0 He came around the corner and stopped at the sight of the somber faces.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u00a0 Is everybody okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou got mail,\u201d said Hoss, handing him the envelope.<\/p>\n

Cautiously, Joe took it.\u00a0 When he saw the return address, his grin faded.\u00a0 He looked anxiously at his family, the way he did as a child when he\u2019d been caught in some wrongful act or other.\u00a0 He looked for a moment as if he were going to try to explain.\u00a0 When no one met his eyes, he tucked the envelope into his jacket and headed back outside.\u00a0 At the door, he turned back.\u00a0 \u201cWhenever you\u2019re ready, Big Brother,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

After the door closed behind him, his father and brothers looked at each other.\u00a0 \u201cI guess he\u2019s serious about going back there after all,\u201d said Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t jump to conclusions, Pa,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cWe don\u2019t even know what they said.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sipped his coffee in an effort to appear nonchalant.\u00a0 \u201cIf that\u2019s what he wants.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u201d\u00a0 he said unconvincingly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Pa, if\u2019n it\u2019s that or spending his life doin\u2019 the chores he did when he was a kid \u2019cuz that\u2019s all his heart can take, mebbe it ain\u2019t such a bad idea,\u201d offered Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cYou know Joe.\u00a0 He ain\u2019t gonna put up with this forever.\u00a0 Sooner or later, he\u2019s gonna be wantin\u2019 to go full bore, breakin\u2019 all the horses an\u2019 doin\u2019 the roundup an\u2019 all, and if that ain\u2019t gonna happen.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0 well, mebbe he should think about somethin\u2019 else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben glared at his middle son.\u00a0 His eyes were dark with anger and betrayal.\u00a0 \u201cHis home is here,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s not well enough to leave.\u00a0 We\u2019re his family.\u00a0 We\u2019ll figure this out together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you just said\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t care what I just said!\u201d\u00a0 He slammed the cup on the desk.\u00a0 Coffee splashed and china shattered.\u00a0 Silently, his sons moved to gather the pieces of the cup and mop up the coffee.\u00a0 Ben pushed his chair back from his desk and allowed them to clean up.\u00a0 \u201cThank you, boys,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cWhy don\u2019t you\u2014why don\u2019t you go and give your brother a hand for a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss exchanged looks.\u00a0 \u201cSure, Pa,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll finish the contracts later.\u201d<\/p>\n

As they walked away, Ben dropped his head into his hands.\u00a0 It seemed as if all he\u2019d done for the past three years was to lose Joe or worry about losing Joe.\u00a0 He was tired.\u00a0 Tired of waiting for what felt inevitable.\u00a0 Tired of waiting to lose his son. \u00a0All he wanted\u2014all he\u2019d ever really wanted\u2014was to keep his family together.\u00a0 Again and again, he\u2019d failed at that simple task.\u00a0 Even though he knew it wasn\u2019t his fault, it still felt like his failure.\u00a0 He looked from one of the framed pictures on his desk to the next.\u00a0 Elizabeth.\u00a0 Inger.\u00a0 Marie.\u00a0 And now possibly Marie\u2019s son. \u00a0How much more could he lose? How was a man supposed to bear so much loss?<\/p>\n

Unbidden, the words came to him.\u00a0 He rose and went to the shelf.\u00a0 The well-worn volume stood in its usual place.\u00a0 He flipped through the pages until he found what he sought.<\/p>\n

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and they daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother\u2019s house:\u00a0 And behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.\u00a0 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother\u2019s womb, and naked shall I return thither; the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd fell down upon the ground\u2014and worshipped,\u201d Ben repeated softly.\u00a0 He closed the book and held it tightly against his chest.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The young man stood beside the brook in the half-melted snow.\u00a0 The early thaw had released the ice that held the current still through the winter.\u00a0 This was one of the places he had always come back to.\u00a0 From the time he was little, he and his brothers had fished here.\u00a0 It was a place of good times and quiet times, of laughter and peace.<\/p>\n

He took the envelope from his jacket pocket.\u00a0 He\u2019d been carrying it with him for weeks now.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t written back, because he hadn\u2019t known what to say. \u00a0He\u2019d pondered the question all winter, and he felt no closer to an answer. \u00a0He took out the letter and read it once again.<\/p>\n

Dear Mr. Cartwright,<\/em><\/p>\n

I was delighted to hear from you after all this time.\u00a0 Thank you for your kind words about Father Carroll.\u00a0 He was indeed our priest, in the very best sense of the word, and he is sorely missed.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

Father Carroll spoke very highly of you.\u00a0 A musician himself, he saw great talent and potential in you.\u00a0 While we currently have an accompanist for our services, one of our sister churches here in the city, St. Philip\u2019s, is in need of a pianist.\u00a0 I have taken the liberty of forwarding your letter to them, together with Father Carroll\u2019s endorsement of your abilities.\u00a0 While I can make no guarantee, I feel confident that, if you wish, this position is yours, should you choose to return to San Francisco.<\/em><\/p>\n

It may also interest you to know that we have established a concert series in memory of Father Carroll.\u00a0 If you are returning to San Francisco, we would be most pleased if you would consider participating.<\/em><\/p>\n

On behalf of everyone at St. Catherine\u2019s, please accept my deep sympathy at your wife\u2019s passing.\u00a0 It is our great hope that we will have the opportunity to meet with you when next you are in San Francisco.<\/em><\/p>\n

With God\u2019s blessings,<\/em><\/p>\n

Father Robert Ryan<\/em><\/p>\n

So.\u00a0 There it was.\u00a0 He could return to San Francisco.\u00a0 He could earn a living playing the piano.\u00a0 No worries about overexerting, about stressing his heart too much. \u00a0Nobody expecting him to fall back into his old drinking habits. \u00a0He could even study the piano properly if he wished.\u00a0 The bustle and excitement of the city would be his.\u00a0 He could visit his friends at the Dove.\u00a0 He could make new friends.\u00a0 His family came to San Francisco regularly.\u00a0 He could have a life there. \u00a0A fine, successful, respectable life. \u00a0It was his, if he wanted it.\u00a0 He tucked the letter back into its envelope.<\/p>\n

The icy brook babbled beneath him, splashing over rocks.\u00a0 It was too early for the birds to return, but their songs would soon fill the air.\u00a0 The cold breeze whispered through the boughs of the pine trees.\u00a0 Behind him, Cochise whinnied. \u00a0In a few minutes, the horse\u2019s hooves would beat against the still-frozen ground in a rhythm as familiar to the man as his own heartbeat.\u00a0 It was a different kind of music, but a symphony in its own right, glorious and free.<\/p>\n

He turned from the brook.\u00a0 He needed to get into town.\u00a0 He had an appointment to keep with the doctor.\u00a0 He started to walk away, back to his horse.\u00a0 Then, he stopped.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know what he\u2019d expected.\u00a0 A thunderbolt, maybe. \u00a0A flash of lightning. \u00a0Another heavenly visitation from his wife.\u00a0 A voice from above.\u00a0 What he hadn\u2019t expected was this.\u00a0 This quiet certainty.\u00a0 A peace that softened and soothed his damaged heart, like healing rain soaking into parched ground.\u00a0 This conviction that the past few years had been worthwhile, hadn\u2019t merely been wasted time and suffering.\u00a0 The realization that the answer had been here all along.\u00a0 It had only been waiting for him to recognize it.<\/p>\n

Joe turned back to the brook.\u00a0 Perched on a rock in the middle of the water was a tiny bird.\u00a0 It was too early in the season even for this one, but there it was.\u00a0 Its red breast flashed as it moved.\u00a0 He chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cYou just never give up, do you?\u201d he said aloud.<\/p>\n

He took the envelope from his pocket. \u00a0His fingers caressed it one more time. \u00a0Lightly, almost carelessly, he opened his hand, and the envelope dropped into the brook.\u00a0 He watched as the current swept it downstream, the sun glinting off the water.\u00a0 Finally, he could see it no more.\u00a0 When he turned back, the bird was watching him, its tiny black eyes fixed on him.\u00a0 Then, it flew away, up into the trees, and beyond.<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n

Doc Martin considered his patient.\u00a0 Something different flickered in the young man\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Life, yes, and that was a welcome change from the past few weeks, but something more.\u00a0 A touch of the old impatience, tempered with something else he couldn\u2019t quite identify.<\/p>\n

The doctor turned to his desk, smiling to himself.\u00a0 If only the news was better.\u00a0 He picked up the file and faced the young man.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour heart definitely sounds better,\u201d he began.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank God,\u201d breathed Joe.\u00a0 He grinned with relief.\u00a0 \u201cWe did it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot quite,\u201d said the doctor.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u00a0 You said my heart\u2019s better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Better.\u2019\u00a0 Not \u2018good as new.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Doc held out the file.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s still a little bit of irregularity in the rhythm.\u00a0 From what\u2019s in this file, and what I\u2019ve read in the medical journals, it\u2019s probably never going to be good as new.\u00a0 There\u2019s no way to know for sure, though.\u00a0 You might go on for years and live a perfectly normal life, and one day your heart just stops, or you could do just a little too much, and it could be over a lot faster.\u00a0 Or, you could take it easy, which is what I\u2019d recommend, and maybe you\u2019ll live longer.\u00a0 Hard to say, though.\u00a0 Right now, we just can\u2019t know for certain how long that heart will last.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you\u2019re saying I could die at any time, no matter what I do.\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor nodded.\u00a0 \u201cPretty much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe ran his hand through his hair.\u00a0 He picked up his jacket and hat and headed for the door.\u00a0 With one hand on the knob, he turned back.\u00a0 \u201cJust one question.\u00a0 You say I could die at any time.\u201d\u00a0 He met the doctor\u2019s eyes squarely.\u00a0 The doctor nodded slowly.\u00a0 \u201cSo how does that make me different from anybody else in this town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPardon?\u201d\u00a0 It was the last question the doctor had expected.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook around us,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWe carry guns here. \u00a0We fight. \u00a0We ride horses.\u00a0 We herd cattle.\u00a0 We deal with robbers and Indians and God knows who else who might try to kill us on any given day. Accidents happen. \u00a0My mother died when her horse stumbled.\u00a0 Robin died when she was singing in a saloon.\u00a0 Way I see it, the only real difference between me and the rest of the people here is that I maybe know a little bit more about how I\u2019ll die.\u00a0 On the other hand, if I get shot on the street when I walk out of here today, I guess we\u2019d be wrong about even that.\u00a0 Point is, nobody\u2019s been promised tomorrow.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had some of the best yesterdays anybody\u2019s ever had, and I wouldn\u2019t have missed them for the world, but I don\u2019t know what\u2019s gonna happen tomorrow, any more than you do.\u00a0 All I know for sure is that I want to live as much as I can.\u00a0 I want to ride horses, and I want to play the piano.\u00a0 I want to fall in love again.\u00a0 I want to raise a family.\u00a0 I know that sitting back and taking it easy just might buy me a little more time, but when all\u2019s said and done, no thanks to that.\u00a0 I never knew before when I would die, and I don\u2019t know now, so if it\u2019s all the same to you, Doc, I think I\u2019m just gonna get on with living.\u201d\u00a0 He put on his hat and touched the brim in farewell.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s your decision,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 Now, he recognized the look in the hazel eyes, and he knew where he\u2019d seen that look before.\u00a0 For the first time, the young man reminded him of Ben.\u00a0 As Joe opened the door, Doc Martin added, \u201cI just have two things to say to you.\u201d\u00a0 Joe waited.\u00a0 \u201cFirst, you\u2019re a damned fool.\u00a0 If you take it easy, and maybe give up ranching, your heart will probably last longer.\u201d\u00a0 He paused.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the second thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

The doctor smiled.\u00a0 \u201cWelcome back, Joe Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

* * * * * * * * * *<\/p>\n

The lamp burned softly as Joe let himself into the house.\u00a0 With the quiet born of years of habit, he laid his gunbelt on the credenza and hung his jacket and hat on the hook, next to Adam\u2019s.\u00a0 As he turned to head up the stairs, he saw the wood of the piano gleaming in the low light.\u00a0 He smiled.\u00a0 Only his father would have done this.\u00a0 He lifted the cover from the keyboard and ran his fingers over the keys.\u00a0 They were as smooth and perfect as those on the piano at St. Catherine\u2019s.\u00a0 He thought briefly of playing now, but he rejected the thought as soon as it crossed his mind.\u00a0 His family was sleeping.\u00a0 There would be time enough tomorrow.<\/p>\n

As he closed the cover, Joe sensed that he was not alone.\u00a0 He looked up the stairs to see his father watching him.\u00a0 Hazel eyes met brown as Ben searched for an answer.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s late,\u201d Ben said finally.<\/p>\n

Joe smiled.\u00a0 \u201cNot that late.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben smiled, too.\u00a0 His youngest son had never been, never would be, easy.\u00a0 Whether Joe stayed or left, Ben\u2019s days would be filled with many anxious moments as he watched the young man make his way, throwing himself headlong into whatever life he chose.\u00a0 As he regarded his son, Ben finally let go of the reins.\u00a0 The choice was Joe\u2019s, and he would respect it.<\/p>\n

As he watched his son, Ben felt for the first time the certainty that, whichever road Joe chose, they would not be lost to each other.\u00a0 The ties had frayed, but they had been well-mended, and they were strong enough to withstand time and distance and anything else the world might throw at them.\u00a0 Whether Joe stayed or left, whether he worked as a rancher or a piano player, the Cartwright family was bound, one to another.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa.\u201d\u00a0 The voice was quiet with the confidence of a soul at peace.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was thinking,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 Ben saw the young man\u2019s hand resting on the keyboard cover as he spoke.\u00a0 He braced himself.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s a ranch down in Texas that\u2019s said to have some horses that have bloodlines that are second to none.\u00a0 What if Hoss and I went down there next week to see what they have that might be good breeding stock?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben exhaled silently.\u00a0 He felt as if he\u2019d been holding his breath for a long, long time.\u00a0 He blinked the tears that welled up back.\u00a0 Joe cocked his head slightly, quizzically.\u00a0 The young man\u2019s broad smile, the one that had broken so many hearts, had been replaced by a new one.\u00a0 The new smile reflected not just happiness, but pain and loss and grief, survival and maturity and peace hard-won.\u00a0 He was not the old Joe Cartwright, and he never would be again.\u00a0 But that was as it should be.\u00a0 He\u2019d earned that right.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s talk about it in the morning,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 There would be plenty of time for such discussions then.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
\n

Next story in The French Piano Player Series:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Doubt<\/a>
\nThe Love of His Life<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Disclaimer:<\/span>\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/g><\/svg><\/i> \"Loading\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0This is the sequel to “The French Piano Player.” Joe’s return to the Ponderosa proves to be more difficult than he or his family expected, to the point where questions arise as to whether he can stay on the Ponderosa, or whether he will go back to his life as a piano player in San Francisco.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a026,000<\/p>\n

The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":4679,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[23],"tags":[16],"class_list":["post-4683","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","tag-joe","wpcat-23-id"],"a3_pvc":{"activated":true,"total_views":1803,"today_views":0},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1600%2C1200&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4700,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4700","url_meta":{"origin":4683,"position":0},"title":"The French Piano Player – #1 (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0When a violent argument with Ben drives Joe from the Ponderosa, the Cartwrights learn that sometimes, you can look straight at a man and never really see him.\u00a0\u00a0 Rated:\u00a0T \u00a016,300 The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1471,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=1471","url_meta":{"origin":4683,"position":1},"title":"A Little Night Music (by the Giggly Sisters)","author":"The Giggly Sisters","date":"August 20, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0 Ever noticed the piano that materializes at Ponderosa celebrations?\u00a0 The Giggly Sisters investigate further as Ben organises a musical soiree. Rated:\u00a0 K+ \u00a0WC \u00a02200","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=4"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/bonanza31.jpg?fit=573%2C389&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":4649,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4649","url_meta":{"origin":4683,"position":2},"title":"The French Piano Player – #4 – The Love of his Life (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 30, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary: \u00a0In the conclusion to \"The French Piano Player\" series, the Cartwrights face their greatest challenge as they learn what a man's heart can bear, and what it means to love--and to let go. \u00a0The previous stories in this series are \"The French Piano Player,\" \"Be Still, My Soul,\" and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":4695,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4695","url_meta":{"origin":4683,"position":3},"title":"The French Piano Player – #3 – Doubt (by pjb)","author":"pjb","date":"April 28, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0A serious misunderstanding threatens Joe's relationship with Hoss. This is part of a series and refers to events portrayed in \"The French Piano Player\" and \"Be Still, My Soul.\"\u00a0\u00a0 Rated:\u00a0T \u00a017,000 The French Piano Player Series, links to all the stories within the series included.","rel":"","context":"In "Drama"","block_context":{"text":"Drama","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?cat=23"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/piano.jpg?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":7614,"url":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=7614","url_meta":{"origin":4683,"position":4},"title":"Night Music (by DJK)","author":"DJK","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Summary:\u00a0Adam is surprised with a little night music. 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