What Happened Instead for Death At Dawn<\/strong><\/p>\nThe tension in the air was palpable. The acting sheriffs \u2013 the Cartwright brothers \u2013 said they\u2019d hang the Farmer, but would they go through with it? Would they allow their father to be hung?<\/p>\n
Then there was some commotion, and Joe Cartwright appeared together with his middle brother. Joe was dragging a young man with him, despite the latter\u2019s loud protests, then threw the man bodily to the stairs of the sheriff\u2019s office.<\/p>\n
\u201cO\u2019Neill, one of Bryant\u2019s men,\u201d offered someone from the crowd. That immediately roused Joe Cartwright, who grabbed the man again.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you do to my Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n
O\u2019Neill\u2019s wild laughter was stopped by some voice from behind him. \u201cIt\u2019s five o\u2019clock.\u201d<\/p>\n
A hollow thump of the trapdoor was heard. It was over.<\/p>\n
Everything was over.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
The silence was shattered by O\u2019Neill\u2019s disbelieving, \u201cYou hung him. You hung the Farmer…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe told you we was gonna do, boy.\u201d Hoss Cartwright\u2019s face looked like carved in stone. In fact, all his body seemed to have turned to stone.<\/p>\n
O\u2019Neill\u2019s first instinct was to fight his way out of Joe\u2019s grip, then the knowledge of the reality prevailed, and he burst into laughter once again.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright! Alright! You wanna know where your Pa is? I\u2019ll tell you where he is. He\u2019s down in the old stable, hanging by the end of the rope!\u201d<\/p>\n
An angry fist silenced him, then the brothers turned in unison to head in the stated direction. Hoss threw a look over his shoulder at the dark shape in the door and almost instinctively yelled, \u201cTake care of Perkins!\u201d before following Joe at a dead run.<\/p>\n
There was nothing to take care of. It\u2019s not like he\u2019s going to resurrect. Yet Adam retreated to the office in reflex action, almost languidly looking for the rifle. He ought to take the gun with him.<\/p>\n
Upon wakening, he found himself blindfolded. Surmising instinctively he\u2019d been captured, he decided to play dead just yet. Slight movements of the wrists told him he was tied as well. He was lying on something hard and smooth, most likely a wooden floor. There were steps, and a voice that sent thrills of hatred through him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWake him up.\u201d<\/p>\n
His body cringed under the shock of cold water, and gone was the pretence of unconsciousness. He was roughly raised to a sitting position, and the hated voice sounded right in front of him.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, poor Cartwright boys can\u2019t manage without their Papa?\u201d<\/p>\n
A hand grabbed his hair and pulled his head higher up. \u201cWish he could see you now… and I wish you could have seen him dangling from that rope, swaying right and left, left and right, right and left…\u201d<\/p>\n
Stop it. Within a second, he thought of spitting, yelling, fighting, then remained as he was, immobile despite the painful pull on his scalp. It was of no use. Nothing was of any use anymore.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think he was trying to call you,\u201d wondered the voice, adding a studied pretence of authenticity to the words. \u201cIt was something beginning with A… But then I cannot know for sure, I\u2019m afraid, he started choking and gurgling something awful, so I just didn\u2019t catch all of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was silence, probably Bryant was waiting for a reaction. To hell with you. He wasn\u2019t going to comply, if just to p*ss the man off. Kill me right off and be done with it.<\/p>\n
\u201cPoor old man, it almost seemed as if he was trying to hold out for you to get there… Took him an awful long time to finally stop kicking and gurgling, and choking, and you know, hoping to see all three of you appear to save him. You could see it in his eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another period of silence, lengthening, stretching, pulling on his nerves, straining them to the point of physical pain. Shoot me. Please shoot me.<\/p>\n
The hold on his hair loosened. Bryant sighed, then groaned, the sound changing location and ending somewhere above his head. Musta got up. Not easy for a fat man. \u201cWhile your two loving brothers look for your body, I will take over Virginia City.\u201d<\/p>\n
Like the hell they\u2019ll care. It was almost physical relief to hear the familiar, greedy tone, devoid of any faked emotion. In silence, he was shoved back to the floor, and steps shuffled around him. Two men. Bryant and some other man. If he were free, he could try taking them on.<\/p>\n
What for?<\/p>\n
The steps stopped almost out of his earshot \u2013 they\u2019d left the wooden planks and softened \u2013 on ground or sand, most likely. He though he heard whispers, but try as he might, he was unable to catch anything distinct. Some other sounds reached him, then the steps came closer and he was raised to stand on his own two legs. Hands ran over his body, pulling out whatever was left in his pockets, then he was pulled to stumble along the man holding him. There was a shout somewhere outside, then pain, and his last conscious thought was: I killed my own father.<\/p>\n
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As if anything could be right any more.<\/p>\n
Would they stop, or not? Yesterday they did.<\/p>\n
If he doesn\u2019t take the blindfold off, I\u2019ll soon be blind as a bat.<\/p>\n
The horse stopped. So they were going to have a break, after all. The bulk behind him disappeared, then he was pulled down from the horse in the usual dismounting procedure. The strong, capable hands half-pulled, half-pushed him forward, then down to the ground. He carefully ticked off the seconds to the first sounds of the fire, then another round to the smell of coffee. Alright, so maybe in their household this would not be called coffee, but it was wet, hot, and had a similar enough aroma to pass. He\u2019d had a sip or two to form his opinion about the taste of the liquid.<\/p>\n
Fascinatingly enough, the man ate every meal in five to six minutes. Even taking into account some small slip in measuring off the seconds, each meal time was strikingly fitted within the boundary. He then wondered briefly, how could he make sure he had the exact length of a second right? The plate was scraped, then grated slightly against some small stones, and the smell of coffee came in a stronger wave. He stood a good chance of getting a sip in about three minutes. Ten… Eleven… There had to be a way to get the seconds right. Fifteen… He was going by gut feeling, which had never failed him before… Twenty five… But he had never been as meticulous as to count in seconds.<\/p>\n
Gut feeling be damned. Reason be damned. Everything be damned.<\/p>\n
Twenty… That was a guess on his part, he\u2019d stopped counting for a moment. Now… Thirty five… God, what am I doing? Forty… The bandanna stung at his eyes, although they were closed, and he felt his angry tears dissolve in the cloth. It\u2019s most likely dirty. That must have been why his eyes stung. The dirt must have gotten into them.<\/p>\n
He was almost startled when the smell of coffee tickled his nose. He took a few sips like an obedient child, then the cup was removed. Steps shuffled around the make-shift camp. Sand was kicked over the fire, which hissed angrily, almost like a snake. A minute or two later, he was pulled up by his arms.<\/p>\n
I won\u2019t be able to move my arms if you don\u2019t untie me. I haven\u2019t moved them for over a full day.<\/p>\n
Now he\u2019d either be lifted on a horse, or allowed to relieve himself. With the small amounts of liquid he was taking in, the latter was less and less of a problem, but it would have been nice, nevertheless.<\/p>\n
Feeling the man\u2019s hands, he forced his body to relax. It never got easier. At least the man was quiet. He seemed uninterested, just doing his job.<\/p>\n
What is his job, anyway? What is he supposed to do with me?<\/p>\n
Relieved of the pressure, he waited for his guide\u2019s hands to lead him back to the horse. Lifted like a sack of grain, he fought to catch his balance on the horse\u2019s back for the few precious seconds when the man wasn\u2019t holding him upright.<\/p>\n
A part of him was curious. Another part was screaming to stop this nonsensical torture. Where were they going? What for? Was there anything at the end of this road, or would a bullet just pierce his head at some point?<\/p>\n
Maybe they wanted to leave his body somewhere far, so that his brothers would lose precious time in looking for him. They\u2019d better be busy fighting off Bryant. It was logical; it was easier to travel with a living person than with a body, which would finally start to stink, and was generally clumsy to handle.<\/p>\n
Satisfied with his own answer, he rocked on with the horse\u2019s movements. His mind was blissfully blank for a moment. Then memories appeared before his eyes, and he squeezed his eyelids until he saw bright flashes of colour, and focused on counting. Poetry was gone from his head. All he had left were the seconds. The tiny seconds trickling away from his life, until there would be no more seconds left.<\/p>\n
Please shoot me now. He was tired. Dreadfully tired. He\u2019d tried to ask questions, get some answers, but he soon learned not to. With his head ringing, he knew after half an hour that it was unwise to open his mouth unless he was allowed to drink some coffee at a given moment.<\/p>\n
How long would they be riding? How much longer could he stand? He felt the blindfold get moist, and was immediately angry with himself. It was no use. In a surge of anger, he moved his wrists impatiently. A hand grabbed his shoulder in a vice-like grip, startling a moan out of him. Knowing better than to protest aloud, he forced his muscles to slacken. Patience.<\/p>\n
It took the hand almost a quarter of an hour to loosen the grip. Bruises he couldn\u2019t see, but he felt them acutely.<\/p>\n
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Before they continued their way after breakfast, the man left the camp for a moment. He knew he had only a minute, two at the most, and rubbed his head hard against the tree behind him. Get that damn blindfold off! He felt the cloth shift, hope surged within him \u2013<\/p>\n
then he was thrown to the ground, a knee pressed ruthlessly into the middle of his back. The cloth around his head was pulled, then tightened against his eyes, and he protested aloud, unable to get out from under the man.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, please, don\u2019t…\u201d<\/p>\n
A hand snaked around his neck, and to his horror, strong fingers pressed on the two vital points under his jaw. He struggled until the world dimmed around him…<\/p>\n
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Wonder what Joe and Hoss are doing…<\/p>\n
He blocked the possible answers from wording in his head. It was better to focus on the sounds around him and play a guessing game. The man approached him, and he guessed correctly that he\u2019d be helped up. The movements made him realise one more change. Something felt different around his wrists. Softer than the rope from before. He though it was broader, too.<\/p>\n
Could it be he was tied with a bandanna now?<\/p>\n
He stumbled on his way to the horse. It was difficult to catch your balance in the pitch-black reality he was living in right now, and he felt light-headed from the exertion of the struggle. He practically lay on the horse\u2019s neck while waiting for the other man to mount. He felt the horse move nervously under him, and pressed himself closer to its body, the only choice he had if he wanted to stay on top.<\/p>\n
He though briefly of sliding down and making things difficult for the man, but he had no certainty of being killed on the spot. The ride would then be much more uncomfortable \u2013 Could it? \u2013 and he still didn\u2019t know where they were heading and how long it would take them to get there.
Just do it. Just do it and let it all stop.<\/p>\n
Could travelling be a torture? Oh, yes, and a refined one.<\/p>\n
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Seventy five… Seventy six… Would they stop when he got to one thousand?<\/p>\n
The deluge the rain had turned into was a mercy. His blindfold was wet throughout, and it didn\u2019t matter anymore if he could control his tears or not. He opened his lips, catching all the water he could get. He hadn\u2019t been given coffee this morning, a form of punishment, as he guessed, and his throat was parched and the tongue stiff.<\/p>\n
One hundred fifty five…<\/p>\n
The rain slowed down at somewhere about nine hundred, then took another five minutes to stop. The horse\u2019s hooves plopped around in the puddles, and wet grass swished with the wind. Then the plopping of the hooves stopped, and the bulk behind him dismounted.<\/p>\n
Noon?<\/p>\n
He was pulled down, then steadied on his feet as he stood, waiting. With the chilling wind, it felt like open space, but he couldn\u2019t imaging stopping with a bound prisoner in a place for everyone to see from far. He sensed no support around, so he kept on standing and waiting.<\/p>\n
The steps went around him, and the wet ground squished under the booted feet. Hope we\u2019re not sitting down on *that*. Not that it made much difference, wet as he was.<\/p>\n
The horse snorted behind him, then groaned slightly and started moving on. What the…<\/p>\n
Astonished, he kept standing and listening to the sound of hooves dying in the distance. There was no sound about him. No steps. No breathing.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello?…\u201d he risked a sound.<\/p>\n
Nothing.<\/p>\n
Slowly, he sank to the ground. The wind chilled his wet body, and he hunched together against it, while working on his ties. In contrast to a rope, the wet bandanna slid from around his wrists with relative ease. He reached to finally tear off the offending blindfold.<\/p>\n
It was another blessing of the weather. He didn\u2019t think his eyes could bear direct sunlight, even the dimmed half-light was hurtful.<\/p>\n
Fighting against the limitations to his vision, he could finally state he was all alone. Open space, just as it had felt. Within some more minutes of struggle, he thought he recognised the area. True enough, about three days away from Virginia City. To his right there was surely a small town, a few miles away. To his left, not much further than the town, there should be a forest. And a stream.<\/p>\n
It would be better to go to the stream. He needed to drink.<\/p>\n
He struggled to a standing position, surprised with how light-headed he felt. He had no means of transport but for his legs, so he started walking. The effort cleansed his head of any worded thoughts, and he focused on the refreshing feeling.<\/p>\n
Within two yards, he tripped and went down on his knees. A single effort to raise himself, and he fell face-forward to the ground, crying. Oh, Pa… Oh, Pa…<\/p>\n
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\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you, fella?\u201d he murmured, one hand making a superficial inventory of the body. Finding no injury, he turned the lying man to his back. Only then did he finally stick the gun back in the holster. He\u2019d been afraid of an ambush, but the other man was unarmed, and his body limp.<\/p>\n
Just then, the lying man moved slightly, and opened his eyes with a small sigh.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re alright, mister?\u201d<\/p>\n
The red-rimmed eyes fought to focus on the one asking the question, then the brows were drawn together in an effort to concentrate. \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d was finally offered on a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u201d Trite question, stupid answer. The man was clearly far from fine. \u201cI\u2019m Dirk Johnson,\u201d he spoke slowly, trying to see if the man could follow him. \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man blinked, his brows still drawn together, until his eyes lost some of the glazed look, replaced by a lucid one. \u201cJohn.\u201d Then he seemed to realise Johnson was waiting for more, and added, \u201cSmith.\u201d It didn\u2019t look like he had much breath left to elaborate, so Johnson let it go.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you hurt? Can you stand up?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo… I…\u201d Smith closed his eyes, took a deep, slow breath, then opened his eyes on releasing the air. \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m hurt,\u201d he spoke with some conviction. \u201cDizzy… Thirsty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think you can get up?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll… try.\u201d<\/p>\n
With Johnson\u2019s assistance, Smith managed to sit up, then laboriously clamber up to a standing position. His legs were shaky, but with the strong arm supporting him he took one step after another, and finally reached the solitary wagon with only one stop to catch his breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cClimb up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yet Smith shook his head. \u201cJust a drink. I need to go…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAin\u2019t nowhere you\u2019re going on foot.\u201d Johnson looked at his eyes carefully. \u201cYou look sick. There is a doctor in town.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo… I\u2019m not sick. \u2018M not hurt.\u201d His eyes closed and Dirk barely had time to catch him before he collapsed.<\/p>\n
Swearing under his breath, the man pulled Smith over to the back of the wagon. \u201cGimme a blanket,\u201d he demanded breathlessly.<\/p>\n
There was some noise from inside, and a youthful face of a girl appeared. She looked a little scared, but held a blanket in her hands. \u201cWho is he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomeone in need of a doctor.\u201d Johnson puffed, trying to lift the limp body, but then Smith raised his head. Still dazed, he was nonetheless able to successfully assist the efforts of his saviour. The girl covered him with the blanket and looked at Johnson enquiringly.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive him some water.\u201d<\/p>\n
Smith swallowed the liquid greedily, a mute testimony of how thirsty he was. He then raised his head and sought the inside of the wagon with his eyes.<\/p>\n
The girl beside him was still in her teens, with a freckled face and in a modest dress. He noticed a boy of four or five huddled in the corner, and finally Johnson\u2019s silhouette in the driving seat.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t need a doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnson threw him a look over his shoulder. \u201cYou certainly do, mister, by the looks of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Smith lay back, but his eyes remained open and lucid.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think I have any money,\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou been robbed?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man took some time processing the simple question, before he replied with a single, \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Johnson shook his head silently. The man was badly off, too weak to stand or even to answer simple questions. Lying there without a horse in sight, without a jacket, hat, or gun belt, he must have been ambushed and robbed. Maybe he was having trouble remembering things. Dirk hadn\u2019t taken a good look at his head, but he thought he\u2019d seen bruises on the man\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
\u201cLottie,\u201d he turned again. \u201cWash his face and see if he\u2019d like to eat something.\u201d<\/p>\n
The girl \u2013 maybe his daughter, or sister \u2013 listened immediately, bustling about. Smith closed his eyes when the cool rag passed over his skin, and just lay there quietly. She thought he found it pleasant, and didn\u2019t haste in her work, for his sake. His eyes were red-rimmed and had dark circles underneath. The stubble proved he hadn\u2019t shaved in several days, so maybe he had been travelling, like they were. It saddened her to see the shadows of bruises on his face. Some bruises were yellowing, some still dark and blue. She knew the nature of bruises, and wondered if he had been beaten more than once within a few days. Maybe he\u2019d been in a fight, and the ambush only added to the collection…<\/p>\n
When she finally put the rag away, she found herself looking into his eyes. Red and tired, they still captivated her with their look.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYar welcome.\u201d She smiled at him kindly, and turned to reach for some bundle, knowing she would treasure that look like you did the sight of a clear rainbow.<\/p>\n
Pulling out a biscuit, she offered it to him, still with the gentle smile. He carefully raised himself on one elbow and reached for the food, answering with a shadow of a smile. He took a bite, but gagged on the crumbs and almost spit everything out. Swallowing the water offered to him in that instant, he shook his head wearily. \u201cI can\u2019t…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYa jist rest,\u201d she said quietly, and replaced the moist rag on his forehead. He gave a her a grateful half-smile and closed his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cWatch if he don\u2019t need something,\u201d she instructed the boy quietly, and climbed the driver\u2019s seat to share her discoveries and thoughts with Dirk.<\/p>\n
The sheriff of Smallville tapped his pencil impatiently on the notebook he held. He looked pensively from Dirk to Lottie. The man shrugged, for they\u2019d given him all information they had on the man they\u2019d found. The sheriff then seemed to make a decision, and opened the door to the doctor\u2019s study.<\/p>\n
The patient was sitting on the couch, shirtless. Both he and the doctor turned to look at the newcomer, the doctor with a scowl, the man with an ever-patient look of someone too tired to care.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m busy,\u201d said the doctor, straightening.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not gonna disturb you, Doc, I\u2019m just gonna ask me some questions,\u201d said the sheriff placatingly. \u201cThe man\u2019s been ambushed, I need some information on that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He approached the couch and looked pensively at the man. Rather on the thin side, dishevelled, with dark stubble hiding half of his face, he still had an alert and intelligent look to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello. Name\u2019s Tom Sands, I\u2019m the sheriff hereabouts.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man nodded in acknowledgement, and the sheriff continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour name?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJohn Smith.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAny family we oughta let know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho ambushed you?\u201d<\/p>\n
The man bit his lip, then heaved a sigh. \u201cI don\u2019t know. I haven\u2019t seen the man.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne man?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not sure.\u201d Then he corrected himself, offering with more conviction: \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWere ya robbed?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would seem so.\u201d The man rubbed at his pocket absently. \u201cI don\u2019t even have anything to pay the doctor with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAny valuables we oughta trace?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Just some money. Nothing of personal value.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have any papers on ya?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you mind, Tom?\u201d Behind the sheriff, the doctor was tapping his foot and still scowling. \u201cThe man needs to lie down, for goodness sake!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m alright, doctor,\u201d said Smith, but the doctor just flapped his hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve heard it ten times already, and for the eleventh time I\u2019m telling you, you\u2019re in dire need of sleep and nourishment. There\u2019s bruising on your head, and you shouldn\u2019t walk about until I decide you\u2019re fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Smith rolled his eyes, and the sheriff pursed his lips thoughtfully. \u201cI\u2019m sure we can work something out with the doc, if you\u2019re worried about financial matters,\u201d he offered suddenly. \u201cPlease let me know if you remember anything more. Meanwhile, I\u2019m gonna leave ya in the doc\u2019s hands. Capable hands, I must say.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gave the scowling doctor a sunny smile and left the room. The first thing he met were the concerned, questioning blue eyes of Lottie Johnson. \u201cHe\u2019s gonna be fine with some sleep and some food, says the doc.\u201d The blue eyes cleared and brightened up, and Dirk Johnson shook the sheriff\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll be going, then. Hope the situation can be cleared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah… Do my best.\u201d The sheriff gave them another sunny smile and took his farewells. He needed to visit the telegram office, and then it was time for dinner.<\/p>\n
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\u201cSure.\u201d Smith was sitting in an armchair, facing the window, but he turned to look at his guest. \u201cCome in, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man sat down on the couch, facing Smith, so as not to force him to twist himself around. \u201cHow ya been?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m fine. The doctor won\u2019t let me out yet, but I\u2019m up and about within the room. How\u2019s Lottie and the boy? I\u2019m sorry \u2013 I\u2019m afraid I forgot to ask his name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJake. A good boy, obedient. My wife\u2019s been worried about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour wife?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLottie.\u201d<\/p>\n
Surprise flickered in John\u2019s eyes, but then he turned his head quickly to look out of the window. Quietly grateful for the man\u2019s tact, Dirk offered: \u201cShe\u2019s taking good care o\u2019 Jake an\u2019 me. She\u2019s a good girl.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s very kind,\u201d agreed John. \u201cSo what are you planning? You\u2019re moving some place, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, my brother\u2019s place, not far from here \u2013 he died and left it ta me. Shame to see good land go to waste.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk looked around the room. \u201cWhen will you be fine? The Doc said anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am fine, and the Doc is stubborn.\u201d John smiled through his beard. \u201cBeen in here two days, I think he oughtta let me out soon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe says you\u2019re not eating enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI eat as much as I can. I\u2019ve learned that doctors are rarely satisfied with their patients\u2019 conduct, anyway.\u201d John flapped his hand, but kept his voice soft and glanced at the door in faked anxiety, making Dirk laugh out.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you? What are you planning?\u201d<\/p>\n
John scratched his neck thoughtfully. \u201cFind a job. Earn a living.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHereabouts?\u201d Dirk leaned forward. \u201cI\u2019m not sure what profits I can get from my brother\u2019s land, but I might need workers…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was thinking North.\u201d John smiled gratefully. \u201cCanada, maybe. But thanks, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCold land, you sure you don\u2019t want the job?\u201d Dirk smiled. He wasn\u2019t offended at the repeated refusal. There was something in that man\u2019s tone and manner of speaking that indicated he was not a common hand. Educated, more likely. He could be a clerk, but not someone to shovel manure.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe was gonna move on tomorrow \u2013why don\u2019t ya join us for lunch, \u2018fore we set off? Lottie would be happy to see you up, she\u2019s got a soft heart, and \u2018sides, she got a little scared by that ambush. Would calm her down.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSounds good…\u201d John smiled again, and a note of apology stole into his tone. \u201cBut I still don\u2019t have money \u2013 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019d be imposing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk shook his head. \u201cDontcha worry none. We invite ya, so you\u2019re our guest. Who knows, maybe some other time you\u2019ll play the host to us.\u201d He reached out his hand.<\/p>\n
John scratched his nose, smiled a quirky little smile, and shook the offered hand. \u201cIn that case, I\u2019ll be happy to be your guest tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow big are the meadows?\u201d John leaned back in his chair, putting the fork aside.<\/p>\n
He and Dirk were discussing the generals of working the land, its possibilities and the current demands in the local market. Meanwhile, Lottie and Jake were eating, neither up to a business discussion, general as it was.<\/p>\n
Lottie kept glancing from Jake to Dirk and then shyly to John. The latter seemed to be fine again, with a confident way of walking, an authoritative voice and manners she\u2019d never witnessed before. When he kissed her hand in greeting, she felt quite the queen, and fought to stay aware and hide her shock the best she could. Another gem \u2013 a true diamond \u2013 to cherish throughout her life.<\/p>\n
Yet she was worried. He might have been walking and talking fine, but there were large dark circles around his eyes, and he was no fatter than the last she\u2019d seen him. After the first three bites, he\u2019d set the cutlery away and seemed to be done, enjoying his coffee in small sips. She wondered if he didn\u2019t like the food here. To her it was clear that the ambush itself had left little mark on him.
She looked at Dirk with light in her eyes. Her husband was also big, and he was very kind to her. Out of sheer gratefulness, she did her best to take good care of him and his boy. Jake she also loved with all her heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cDrink quietly,\u201d she whispered over to the boy, who\u2019d slurped up a sip of milk rather noisily. He gazed at her with his big, round eyes, and nodded solemnly, trying with all his might to take a quiet sip next time. His heartfelt efforts made her smile, and she stroked his head gently. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a man approaching them slowly, but she kept quiet as instructed, focusing instead on the boy.<\/p>\n
A few feet away from their table, the young man hesitated, then slowly pulled off his hat and came closer to stand right beside John.<\/p>\n
\u201cMay I join you?\u201d<\/p>\n
John\u2019s cup rattled against the saucer. Dirk rose slightly and indicated an empty chair. \u201cHelp yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The young man seated himself and let out the air he\u2019d held pent up. \u201cDoggone it, Adam, we thought you were dead!\u201d<\/p>\n
_________________<\/p>\n
Dirk looked carefully from one man to another, all conversation at an end for now. Something far more important than discussing ranch work was hanging in the air.<\/p>\n
\u2018John\u2019, or \u2018Adam\u2019, whoever he was, was glancing about the restaurant, seemingly interested in its guests. The young man who\u2019d joined them, was looking at him hard, with a strange mixture of anxiety and emotion on his handsome face.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam,\u201d he repeated softly, which made the other man finally turn his head to look at him. Strangely enough, his eyes presented a similar blend of emotion that was reflected on the younger man\u2019s face, though mixed with… was it regret?<\/p>\n
\u201cJoe,\u201d he finally acknowledged the young man. His voice was flat and impassive, a striking contrast to the warmth and kindness from two minutes ago.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe got a telegram from the sheriff.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam closed his eyes and nodded to himself silently.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t havta hide from Bryant…\u201d Joe stopped when his brother jerked at the name. He continued on a softer note, \u201cOne o\u2019 his own men shot \u2018im. It\u2019s safe to go back home now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Safe. He hadn\u2019t even considered that aspect. Come to think of it, he wasn\u2019t interested in it.<\/p>\n
He had nothing to come back to. He sought his brother\u2019s face, wondering about the feelings he couldn\u2019t see there. What about forgiveness? Was it as easy as that, come back home and everything\u2019s fine, nothing happened?<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you\u2019re mad with us,\u201d said Joe softly, searching his brother\u2019s face in a mirror-like action. \u201cYou\u2019ve got every right…\u201d He was crumpling his hat nervously. \u201cBut you must come back home. You must, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s something they can\u2019t cope with. Something they needed him for. Maybe the trouble with Bryant wasn\u2019t over.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou left Hoss alone?\u201d His voice was sharper than he\u2019d intended, sudden anxiety rushing through his veins, but Joe shook his head quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not like that, Adam, we\u2019ve got another acting sheriff to help. Now that Bryant\u2019s gone, there ain\u2019t no trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then what? Accounting for the ranch? They could all cope with that, had many times in the past.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what\u2019s the trouble?\u201d He hated to be blunt, but his frayed nerves couldn\u2019t handle much more after nearly a week of sleepless nights and the dreadful three-day-long journey.<\/p>\n
\u201cAin\u2019t none, Adam. We just need ya back home.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glanced at the others: Dirk, Lottie, Jake. Maybe there was something Joe didn\u2019t want to say in company. \u201cI gotta pay the doctor\u2019s bill,\u201d he recalled.<\/p>\n
\u201cDone that already.\u201d<\/p>\n
In a hurry, aren\u2019t you, Joe? What could possibly be so urging? He wouldn\u2019t be asking me to step up the gallows, would he?<\/p>\n
He forced himself to focus on the now and here. He was getting better and better at doing it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have nothing to collect. I just need a horse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve taken Blackie for you. I got your jacket, your hat and your gun, too.\u201d Joe perked up. \u201cI\u2019ll just buy some more supplies, and we can set off. The doc said you havta travel slow and rest a lot, so I guess it\u2019s gonna take four days back.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam rolled his eyes with a deep groan. \u201cCan you get the doc off my back? I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight,\u201d Joe snorted, then ducked his head under the dark look. \u201cI… uh… I\u2019ll get the supplies and be right back. Gimme ten minutes. You c\u2019n finish your lunch meanwhile.\u201d He excused himself and hurried out.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have finished,\u201d said Adam softly, then pushed the plate away with such an intense expression on his face that Dirk thought twice before finally opening his mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere ya headed?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cVirginia City way.\u201d Adam glanced up at them, and his face softened. \u201cI\u2019m sorry \u2013 I imagine what this must have looked like.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didya lie \u2018bout your name?\u201d asked Lottie, looking at him with big innocent eyes, and he couldn\u2019t help giving her the kindest answer he could muster.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt thought it would be best.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo the sheriff was right?\u201d Dirk leaned back, looking at the man with narrowed eyes. \u201cAdam Cartwright? One of the richest men in Nevada?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam snorted and shook his head at the epithet. \u201cThe name\u2019s right.\u201d He rose, only to be stopped by the young voice.
He glanced at the plate, then smiled at her, and tears stung at her eyes at the pain she saw in his.
\u201cWe\u2019re headed that way, too. We could travel a day or two together. Guess you could use the occasion and rest in the wagon some, with what the doc said \u2018bout your health.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam stopped, took a deep breath, then released it slowly. \u201cThat\u2019s very kind of you.\u201d He looked into the other man\u2019s face for a moment. \u201cIt would certainly quicken up the journey. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk nodded with an air of finality. \u201cI thought you might direct us to my brother\u2019s ranch, being locals.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCertainly.\u201d He turned to the door, hesitated, then looked back at them. \u201cI guess I havta tell my brother about the arrangements. If you\u2019ll excuse me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk remained standing even when the dark silhouette was gone from the doorframe. He still wasn\u2019t sure if he\u2019d made the right decision, but there was no coming back now, and he decisively erased any regrets he might have felt. Then he heard Lottie\u2019s sad, lost-little-girl voice. \u201cHe\u2019s sick. Maybe he\u2019s dying. S\u2019that why he don\u2019t wanna go home?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeed a hand?\u201d Joe put his blanket down and looked over Dirk\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, I\u2019ll manage.\u201d Having noticed a tear in the canvas on the wagon, Dirk was now carefully manipulating the needle to repair the damage.<\/p>\n
\u201cWatch that you don\u2019t bite your tongue off.\u201d Joe seated himself comfortably on a tree root, watching the man work. \u201cCan\u2019t Lottie do that? Seems like women have a nicer hand at this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe,\u201d Dirk grinned, still focused on his work. \u201cShe\u2019s putting Jake to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought Adam was, you can hear him reading a story.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJake won\u2019t fall asleep without me or her nearby. And she wants ta coax your brother into eating the whole supper.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with his eating.\u201d Suddenly uncomfortable, Joe rose and took a few aimless steps. \u201cHe always had a normal appetite.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs he normally so quiet, too?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam is quiet.\u201d Joe frowned, unsure of the man\u2019s meaning. \u201cHe ain\u2019t one for talking much.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe ain\u2019t spoken two words to ya.\u201d Dirk finished his work and gave the younger man a serious look.<\/p>\n
Joe sighed. \u201cHe\u2019s mad,\u201d he admitted. \u201cGot reason, too.\u201d
\u201cWe let him down when he needed us most.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words were so quiet that for a moment Dirk wasn\u2019t sure if he hadn\u2019t imagined them. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe let\u2019im down. That\u2019s why he\u2019s mad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLottie said he looked… sad.\u201d He skipped the other word she had used. No use burdening the boy with more problems.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, well…\u201d Joe seated himself beside Dirk. \u201cHe is. Deep down, he\u2019s also mad. You gotta know him to know that. He\u2019s been mad with me often enough, I oughtta know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t seem to me like someone who likes to bear a grudge.\u201d Dirk put the needle away. \u201cBut then I don\u2019t know him really.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe ain\u2019t like that.\u201d Joe straightened up, ready to defend his brother. \u201cYou see \u2013 he\u2019s older\u2019n me by some twelve years. We don\u2019t always see eye to eye. I think he bosses me around, then he thinks I don\u2019t listen to him, and so it goes… That don\u2019t mean we don\u2019t care for each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen he might accept an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe scratched his neck pensively. \u201cI kinda prefer to wait out his grizzly-bear mood. And I kinda think he don\u2019t wanna talk about what happened. Not yet. That\u2019s why he\u2019s avoiding talking to me, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI woulda preferred clearing the air,\u201d said Dirk non-committally, listening to the quiet rumble of a deep voice reading a story from a children\u2019s book. He heard Lottie and Jake laugh, light, childish voices.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will. When he\u2019s ready.\u201d Joe rested his forearms on his knees, listening to the familiar voice. \u201cI missed his reading voice. I loved it when he read us stories. Even more\u2019n when Pa did. Adam makes \u2018em come alive.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk gave him a long, close look. \u201cYou care for him, dontcha?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cLots,\u201d Joe answered with quite the youthful innocence of Lottie. \u201cLots\u2019n\u2019heaps. He\u2019s just about the best oldest brother in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n
With a smile, Adam showed the plate to Lottie, but she shook her head with energy. \u201cThere\u2019s still a spoonful left. You haven\u2019t eaten the whole day. Dirk told me to make sure you\u2019s gonna eat the whole supper.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rolling his eyes, he nevertheless scraped out the last spoonful and, with a playful look at her, wiped the plate clean with the rest of the biscuit. \u201cThat alright, doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n
She chuckled. \u201cFor now, yes. I want to see the same tomorrow morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was his turn to chuckle now. \u201cTurn in, Lottie, before Jake wakes up calling for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s tired, he\u2019ll sleep the night thru\u2019.\u201d She tilted her head to the right, watching him. \u201cYa quarrelled with Joe?\u201d<\/p>\n
Yes. No. \u201cWhy do you ask?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you two didn\u2019 talk much. Ya weren\u2019t happy to see him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was… surprised. When I left, he was mad with me,\u201d he selected the words carefully, toying with the plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI messed up,\u201d he said simply. \u201cHe has every reason in the world to hate me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe don\u2019t hate ya. He cares for ya.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded and sighed. \u201cAnd that\u2019s what I don\u2019t get.\u201d<\/p>\n
Joe shifted, then opened his eyes. The night was cool, starry, filled with the scent of pines. Just something to put you to sleep…
\u201cYou should be sleeping, Adam.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of having his head bitten off, all he got was a shake of the head. It seemed relatively safe to continue the conversation.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, you\u2019re not fine. I can\u2019t have you collapsing…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll manage.\u201d Adam finally gave him a brief glance. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I can still put in a day\u2019s work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant Adam, and you know it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJoe…\u201d His brother sighed and looked into the fire for a long, quiet moment. \u201cI slept in the wagon, during the day. The rocking and squeaking kinda puts me to sleep better than this silence. Always did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYa slept maybe half an hour. So happens I know.\u201d<\/p>\n
This time, his only answer was silence. After a long, uncomfortable moment, Joe decided to take his chances.<\/p>\n
\u201cAdam, about Bryant…\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam\u2019s head snapped around, and Joe shifted back on instinct.
Joe closed his mouth, then nodded silently, hit by the pain emanating from the sound.
He is sorry. My God. Adam hid his face in his hands, wishing for once for the dreaded blindfold to again hide the sorrow trickling down his face, and huddled further in the blanket, trying to control the shaking that assaulted him.<\/p>\n
_________________
\u201cYou can snap my head off, if it makes ya feel better,\u201d he said at one point in response to the dark, threatening look, \u201cbut we\u2019re taking it as slow as your health requires. And ya won\u2019t intimidate me with that look anymore, so save your energy, brother.\u201d<\/p>\n
He got no response, and the look was gone, replaced by an impassive stare into the distance. In other words, Adam was badly off.<\/p>\n
With the pace they were going at, nightfall caught them a few hours away from the house, \u2018though already within Ponderosa boundaries. Supper was a sombre affair. Little was eaten and much less said. Wordlessly, Adam took the dishes to the stream, shrugging off Joe\u2019s help and ignoring the latter\u2019s hurt look. Truth be told, he felt strange, groundless anger rise within himself, and didn\u2019t speak for fear it may come to blows. He hoped to feel more useful and calmer when he employed his hands instead of sitting back like an invalid.<\/p>\n
Knowing they weren\u2019t going any further today, he took his time, methodically washing each item, in and out. Contrary to his usual attitude, he was sorry to see the last specks go. That meant he had nothing more to do. Sighing, he rose \u2013 staggered \u2013 landed on his knee. What the heck? He caught his breath, then took a couple more to steady himself. Maybe Joe had actually been right, not pushing on home. Not something he\u2019d say aloud, but it was a rude awakening in itself.<\/p>\n
The way back wasn\u2019t anything worth mentioning as to distance, yet he stopped once, with a hand against a tree. Maybe he\u2019d be tired enough to get some proper sleep? He\u2019d even consent to the dreams, as long as he could get a few solid hours of rest.<\/p>\n
He thought he heard voices. Was Joe speaking to himself, for lack of an interlocutor? He rested his hand against a tree at the skirt of their camp, caught some of the strangely heavy air, mechanically shook his head against the loud buzz in his ears, and then the world dimmed and disappeared in a silent hollow…<\/p>\n
Stars. Bright stars on a dark blue sky were the first thing he saw upon opening his eyes. Then a face appeared above him, and the familiar voice said, \u201cYou gave us a scare, son.\u201d<\/p>\n
He blinked, trying to get his bearings. \u201cI…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou fainted. Not really a wonder the way you\u2019ve been acting these past few days, as Joe tells me. I barely managed to catch you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He swallowed against the sudden pain in his throat, and managed, \u201cTattletale…\u201d He pulled his shoulders up and felt strong hands helping him sit.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo getting up, son,\u201d his father\u2019s voice warned him, before the thought even crystallised in his head. \u201cYou absolutely must rest.\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly he was gathered up in those strong arms, and untypically, he didn\u2019t fight it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I\u2019d never see you again, son.\u201d<\/p>\n
My sentiments exactly…<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I\u2019d lost you.\u201d Ben stroked the dark head at his chest with the tenderness of a father holding his newborn child. \u201cThought I\u2019d never tell how proud I am of you… always have been… I can\u2019t begin to tell you what you mean to me, what each of my sons means to me…\u201d He rocked slightly, innerly pleased when his usually independent son didn\u2019t fight the embrace. \u201cMy boy. My boy.\u201d His hands wandered over to Adam\u2019s back, rubbing it affectionately. \u201cWhen Bryant told us he had you, when he showed us your jacket… You can\u2019t imagine…\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sighed and finally pulled his head back, admitting softly, \u201cI\u2019m tired, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben\u2019s eyes raked his face with fatherly love. \u201cOf course you are. Your brothers have prepared your place already, why don\u2019t you lie down.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brothers. \u201cHoss,\u201d he acknowledged his middle brother. A wave of dizziness assaulted him when he was getting up, but determination won, and he settled into his bedroll with only symbolic help from his family. He fell asleep with his father\u2019s hand on his shoulder and his voice flowing over him in quiet conversation with his brothers.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
He saw his father\u2019s face, smiling gently at him. Then the face distorted, swinging in front of him \u2013 left, then right, then left again…<\/p>\n
He bolted upright in his bedroll, thankfully without a sound. Regular, familiar breathing around calmed him down and reassured he hadn\u2019t woken anyone. He watched his father for a moment, who was sleeping maybe a foot away from him. I need my sleep. Look what happened tonight. With a strong resolution to rest, he settled back in the bedroll. Somewhat calmer now, he switched off within minutes.<\/p>\n
… somewhere up high, and looking down he saw the faces of his family, all looking up at him with the most impassive, indifferent expressions. Didn\u2019t they see him?
The cry was so strangled that him it woke, but no one else. Closing his eyes for a brief moment, he focused on the breathing of his family to calm down his own panting, panicked breath. As he looked into the darkness, he rocked slightly to ease down the tension in his muscles. In his wishful thinking, he\u2019d thought he could take the dreams, but they were so real, so real…<\/p>\n
Settling in the bedroll for the third time tonight, he knew there was no sleep for him that night. Quietly hoping midnight had already passed, he tried to count the stars that he could see. Yet he lost count at some point, so he switched to the only other companions of solitude he knew, the dear, dreadful seconds…<\/p>\n
After a couple tens, he calmed down enough to remember he might just have something better to do than count. In slow, quiet movements, he settled on his side and watched his father sleep.<\/p>\n
A cup rattled against the plate and Joe cringed with a look at his father. Ben shook his head with slight displeasure, then glanced at Adam\u2019s bedroll. Seeing no movement there, he relaxed somewhat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe gotta wake him for breakfast,\u201d said Hoss softly, his worried look following Ben\u2019s checking one.<\/p>\n
Ben shook his head. \u201cI have a feeling he fell asleep somewhere around morning. He\u2019s had some dreams, judging by the sounds I heard during the night. You two go on home. Hoss, you\u2019ll then go to Virginia City to see what the situation is. I\u2019ll be home later with Adam. Like you said, he needs to take it slow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c \u2018M not an invalid. Morning.\u201d Adam was sitting up, one arm resting on the knee of the bent leg, looking at them with clear eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning, son.\u201d Ben masked his surprise \u2013 he hadn\u2019t even heard Adam move! \u2013 and poured another cup of coffee. \u201cYou\u2019re a convalescent, not an invalid. And I\u2019ll be glad to spend an hour or two in the company of my oldest son, without hurrying anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sucked in his left cheek, but refrained from saying anything. He moved closer to the fire and accepted the cup and the plate with a curt nod at his brothers.<\/p>\n
The two younger men finished their meal quickly and busied themselves packing and saddling the horses. Seeing as someone was usually needed around the house, and Hoss had to relieve the other acting sheriff, they didn\u2019t stall, and soon waved they goodbyes to Ben and Adam.<\/p>\n
Deciding it was time for them to move on as well, Adam put the plate away and moved to roll up his blanket, when he was stopped by his father\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what you call eating?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo offense to Hoss\u2019 cooking skills,\u201d he threw over his shoulder, \u201cbut I\u2019ve eaten all I can. Feel kinda sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd just how long have you been feeling sick?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sighed and turned to look at his father. \u201cAfter a few bites. I thought I could eat more but I can\u2019t. Maybe I\u2019ll have a biscuit or two as we ride home.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben hesitated, but he could hear the unusual, unguarded openness in Adam\u2019s voice, and decided to let it go for now. \u201cAnd how are you feeling in general?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA little sick \u2013 just a little dizzy \u2013 but otherwise I\u2019m fine. I don\u2019t expect to get too tired while riding.\u201d Adam carefully prepared his tack, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy don\u2019t I saddle your horse this once.\u201d Ben watched his son open his mouth to protest, then thoughtfully close it and nod his head. He was enheartened by the cooperation.<\/p>\n
Soon they were on their way. The sun was shining, and the weather made their ride seem like a peaceful trip in the outdoors. The sense of comfort convinced Ben there was no point in waiting any longer.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
His son kept looking in the distance. Ben bit his lip, but firmly told himself to be patient. You just had to take your time with that eldest son of his.<\/p>\n
Adam raised his face to the sun and closed his eyes, letting the warmth caress his skin. \u201cYou first,\u201d came finally his hoarse voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell… When Bryant held me, he made a lot of empty threats, but he also told me what was going on in the city. I knew you were going to hang Perkins, and so I told him.\u201d He watched the slight hunch to Adam\u2019s shoulders and went on with the story, thinking it would induce more confidence in his son, in the tough decision that had to be made. \u201cI told him I would be doing exactly the same if I was in your place.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam glanced at him quickly. \u201cWould you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I would.\u201dBen held his gaze steadily. \u201cFor a moment, I was in your place. I know what I\u2019m saying.\u201d He nodded at Adam\u2019s frown. \u201cWhen you hung the Farmer, Bryant got scared. He loosened the noose and let me go. I thought it was finally the end of his rule. However…\u201d Ben sighed heavily. \u201cHe was a possessed man. Possessed with greed for money and power. I met Joe and Hoss on my way, asked about you \u2013 they thought you\u2019d followed them, then we looked for you in the sheriff\u2019s office. You weren\u2019t there, but nobody saw you leave, either. Your brothers were all fired up to look for you, but we didn\u2019t know where to look.
Adam sat up straighter, but did not make a sound. After a moment, Ben continued softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know what kind of decision it was… the hardest thing I had to do… I\u2019m not going to lie to you, son \u2013 I was going to tell him a flat no. I took some hope in that he had let me go \u2013 but then he was saying he had taken you out of town, somewhere southwards. I had to take the awful chance that we may not find you in time… This time he must have left the execution to someone else, who might just have had the guts to do it… He always preferred others to do the killings for him.
He gave his son a long, wistful look. \u201cThose three days before we got the telegram from Smallville gave me a lot more white hair than I had, Adam. We all took a chance… and you bore the brunt of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Pensive, Adam looked ahead, but didn\u2019t seem to be seeing anything. His eyes were unfocused, his expression absent. \u201cHe would have lied to you, you know,\u201d he finally said. \u201cEven if you had given in.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was aware he might,\u201d agreed Ben. \u201cStill, it was a guessing game. We\u2019ll never know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know he would have. He had me taken west, not south.\u201d Adam finally gave his father a short glance. \u201cHe would have led you astray.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s very likely. Like I said, we\u2019ll never know for sure. \u2013 Now it\u2019s your turn. How did he get his hands on you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI \u2013 \u201d he hesitated, then admitted almost sheepishly, \u201cI don\u2019t know. I can only guess he had someone planted near the office \u2013 maybe to stop me from hanging Perkins, or maybe with the aim of getting one of us, even for the price of Perkins\u2019s life. I woke up in a barn or a shed, or a stable. I don\u2019t know exactly, I was blindfolded. I was then taken out of town, still tied and blindfolded. Wasn\u2019t much I could do about it \u2013 the other guy had much of the upper hand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho was he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have no idea. I never even heard his voice. He whacked me one or two when I tried to speak, and in the end it seemed wiser to keep my mouth shut \u2013 but he never spoke to me, never told me what to do or what not to do. Then one day he up and left me in the middle of a meadow, tied loosely enough to free myself, but without a gun or a horse.\u201d He paused thoughtfully. \u201cStrange… Maybe Bryant got scared and just bluffed with the hanging… Doesn\u2019t fit, though… Anyway,\u201d he switched back to his story, \u201cI was pretty much left to my own resources until the Johnsons found me and brought me to Smallville. Then, I suppose, you got the telegram, and the rest you probably know from Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat I know is that you had been sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head. \u201cNo, not exactly the word I would use… I was slightly dehydrated, and I hadn\u2019t eaten anything since the capture, but that was it. My eyes hurt in the beginning, but all they needed was time to get used to light again. All I needed was some rest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t look rested to me, son. Joe said you were pretty much a bear with a sore head, barely said anything to him. That\u2019s not like you, son.\u201d Ben shifted in the saddle to take a better look at the man riding by his side. \u201cUnless you hold some grudge against your brother, but that wouldn\u2019t be much like you, either. Not for that long.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam shook his head, and spurred Blackie on. Surprised, Ben kicked his own mount into a faster pace. For a few minutes it looked like a race was developing, but then Blackie slowed down, and, not guided by his rider, settled into a leisurely trot that suited him.<\/p>\n
Uncertain of what had brought it on, and whether he should tackle the matter at once, Ben waited in silence. It proved to be the best strategy, as Adam finally spoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe told me you were dead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d Ben sat up straighter in the saddle.<\/p>\n
\u201cBryant told me he\u2019d hung you. Told me \u2013 \u201d he shook his head as if he wanted to dispel an image. \u201cI don\u2019t know why I believed him,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n
They rode on in silence for a long moment, before Ben could get over the shock. \u201cYou thought I was dead?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. And pretty much by my hand.\u201d Adam raised his tortured eyes to meet his father\u2019s. \u201cI\u2019ve… grieved… for you… this past week. It wasn\u2019t… an easy time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben stopped Buck, and pulled on Blackie\u2019s reins for the horse to do the same. Then he held Adam\u2019s shoulder and forced his head up again. \u201cBut Joe… told you I was alive?\u201d<\/p>\n
He was surprised at the shake of Adam\u2019s head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess I didn\u2019t let him do much talking,\u201d said Adam with a slight sigh. \u201cNow that I think of it \u2013 he couldn\u2019t have known what I\u2019d been told. I suppose we each of us thought the other knew the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben\u2019s dark eyes smouldered like two coals. \u201cThat son of a…\u201d He swallowed the word, and growled angrily, \u201cI could kill him myself if he wasn\u2019t dead already.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not the killer type, Pa.\u201d Pa. The word felt like silk on his tongue. Like a sip of smooth, rich, fragrant chocolate. He could almost taste it physically.<\/p>\n
Ben swallowed his growing wrath, and took a moment to compose himself. \u201cHe isn\u2019t worth the anger, is he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDefinitely not.\u201d Adam rubbed at his eye with the heel of his hand, the tension gone from his shoulders and back. \u201cCan we, uh… rest up a little up by the big oak?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course, son. You sure you won\u2019t fall off your horse till we get there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPa.\u201d He rolled his eyes, but knew that the question was an admission in itself. Yet he was feeling lightheaded \u2013 what was worse, he was feeling quite emotional \u2013 and preferred not to make more trouble. He\u2019d had enough of Joe coddling him. \u201cJust for a minute or two. Enjoying each other\u2019s company, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n
They stopped by the oak, glad for the shadow it embraced them with, and Ben had Adam lie down \u2013 \u201cFor a minute or two, son\u201d \u2013 while he was taking care of the horses. Once he was done, he sat down by his sleeping son, stroking his hair in light movements and enjoying the peace.<\/p>\n
Evening found Adam working on the books. He\u2019d had another nap at home, and countless small cups of light broth. Hop Sing feared his stomach may not accept anything stronger after being empty or almost empty for some days, but promised something more substantial for supper if Adam\u2019s body accepted the nourishment. It was fine with Adam. He preferred small portions for now, the warmth spreading inside his body as each cup awakened energy within him. Thus, energy awoken, he sought to busy himself. Chores had been expressly forbidden today \u2013 tomorrow \u2013 possibly over the next few days, knowing his father \u2013 but he finally had an open mind for paperwork.<\/p>\n
He was making steady progress through the ledgers, and that helped his mind. Feeling useful \u2013 and effective \u2013 was a welcome change. He finished another part and laid the papers carefully to the side, together with everything else completed, when a large shadow fell over the desk. Glancing up, he saw his two brothers standing over him in a united, grave-faced front. What now?<\/p>\n
The two exchanged uneasy glances, then suddenly Joe spoke up.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe wanna apologise, Adam. For what happened. I mean \u2013 for what we said. What I said.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam shook his head, but they misconstrued his meaning, and Joe got more insistent, Hoss\u2019 silent bulk supportive beside him. \u201cWe shouldna… You were right all the time, I know that now. I\u2019m sorry. We\u2019re sorry.\u201d He sought his brother\u2019s face. \u201cCan you forgive us?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam shook his head again at what he was hearing; misunderstanding, Joe drew slightly back in hurt, but his brother\u2019s voice stopped him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were only saying what I was thinking,\u201d said Adam softly. That took them by surprise, and they stared at him as he continued. \u201cI wasn\u2019t sure if I was acting right; I chose what I thought best, but sometimes even the best ain\u2019t enough. You had the right to show me any doubts and any other ways of acting you could see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe woulda been wrong,\u201d said Hoss softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s why I was glad the decision was mine, and mine alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe went right with ya, Adam,\u201d his brother indicated, but Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe decision was mine. I pulled the lever. We were all deep in that…\u201d he hesitated, \u201c… situation… and had to act together, and you knew it. But I made the decision. You were there to help me decide if it was right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSome help we were,\u201d Joe leaned on the desk, too restless to stand still.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike I said \u2013 you helped me see the doubts, the questions, possible other choices. That\u2019s what advice is about.\u201d<\/p>\n
This time Hoss snorted. \u201cGet off your high horse, older brother. You ain\u2019t been happy with what we said, and we did lots to make it worse on ya. Ya worked it over in your head when ya been missing \u2018till ya twisted it all around.\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam made a face. \u201cWhat I did actually realise when I was \u2013 missing, was that it would be too much for each of us to go through that. One man\u2019s enough. In other words, I was quite happy you could avoid the struggle with responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you were still mad when I came to take you home.\u201d Joe challenged him with a look.<\/p>\n
\u201cSurprised. Reluctant, maybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlain mad, Adam.\u201d Joe leaned towards him. \u201cI know ya. I\u2019ve seen you mad often enough. You speak different, you look different. You \u2013 were \u2013 mad \u2013 with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
A protest settled on the tip of his tongue, but the words hit home.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Joe.\u201d He raised a hand to stop the protest. \u201cI mean, yes and no. I guess I was mad with myself. Mad \u2013 isn\u2019t even the word to describe it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPa told us how Bryant lied to ya.\u201d Hoss\u2019 voice flew gently as a breeze and warm like a hug.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas it \u2018cause of that that you were mad?\u201d Oh, Joe. So grown and yet so innocent. Sound like a kid…<\/p>\n
\u201cWas it \u2018cause of that ya were going away? Canada-ways?\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned at Hoss\u2019 question.<\/p>\n
\u201cYa always talk of leaving when you\u2019re hurt bad, and when ya feel guilty,\u201d Hoss said openly. \u201cThat\u2019s why ya didn\u2019t let us know where you were? Why you hid under a false name? \u2018Cause ya wanted to escape from here?\u201d<\/p>\n
He accuses me of escaping. \u2013 And what else was I doing? What else was I doing all those times but escaping?<\/p>\n
Not from here, Hoss. From myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cI went through the newspapers,\u201d he admitted hoarsely. \u201cThere was nothing… to indicate trouble. One reporter or other would surely write if anything big happened. But you\u2019re right, I should have come. I wasn\u2019t thinking clear.\u201d I just wanted to escape. I was so tired with it all, the tension, the hate of myself, the responsibility. I am still tired. \u201cI should have checked that everything was alright with you…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c… before you left?\u201d Joe jumped in to finish the sentence.<\/p>\n
Adam bit his lip, but it didn\u2019t help, the words were tumbling out by themselves. \u201cWould you feel like going home sweet home after you had killed your own father?\u201d, he asked in a silky voice, but the growl beneath was just barely hidden. The words hit his brothers, he could see it, and regretted them, but there was no way of taking them back now.<\/p>\n
Prudently employing his hands, he stacked neat files of papers on the desk, then put some of them in the drawer. \u201cI think that\u2019s enough for today. Supper\u2019s gonna be ready soon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d Joe\u2019s incredulous voice stopped him mid-rise. \u201c \u2018Supper\u2019s ready\u2019 and everything\u2019s fine with the world?\u201d<\/p>\n
A smile blossomed somewhere within him and actually made it to his face. \u201cIsn\u2019t it? Pa\u2019s fine, we\u2019re all home safe and sound, Bryant\u2019s gone. Anything else you might wish for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cForgiveness?\u201d<\/p>\n
Adam sighed. \u201cYou have it any time you want it, little brother. Any of you.\u201d He watched their suddenly blushed faces. \u201cIt\u2019s not like any of us was responsible for the mess we were thrown in. Bryant was.\u201d There was someone to blame, and that felt good. Maybe he could even shift some of his own gnawing guilt on Bryant, if he worked on it hard enough. \u201cLet\u2019s go eat, I see Hop Sing has already set the table. He wants to fatten me up a bit, and we wouldn\u2019t want to disappoint him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, brother, we wouldn\u2019t.\u201d Hoss heavy arm crushed his shoulders and guided him towards the table, Joe resting his hand lightly on Adam\u2019s back.<\/p>\n
\u201cNext time we\u2019ll support you, Adam, whatever you say. You can count on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo me a favour, Joe.\u201d Adam stopped and turned his head to his brother in horror that was only partially faked. \u201cLet\u2019s have no next times. The last one was too much already.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dirk Johnson urged the horses to a faster pace, but without much enthusiasm. The land was good, but they had found the house in dire need of repair, and for that they lacked money, what with hiring men and paying the foreman. He now had to go over the proposal from the bank, and recalculate expenses to see if he could avoid taking a loan.<\/p>\n
Sitting quietly beside him was Lottie. She knew little about complex financial matters, but knew very well when he was worried, and didn\u2019t want to irritate him with empty chatter when he had his mind full. So full it was, as a matter of fact, that he hadn\u2019t paid attention to what was before them until she grabbed his arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cDirk, look!\u201d<\/p>\n
Before them was the house. However, it did not stand there lonesome and wearily tilted to one side, as they\u2019d left it, but the site was buzzing with activity.<\/p>\n
\u201cSam!\u201d Dirk jumped off and grabbed the passing foreman. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here? What are these men doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe neighbourly thing to do.\u201d Dirk turned on his heel at the sound of the familiar voice. Adam Cartwright smiled broadly at him and touched his hat to Lottie. \u201cHoss remembered that the house looked bad, so we came over to help a little.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA little?\u201d Dirk gaped in amazement at the working men. There had to be at least a dozen!<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve already repaired the wall, so it\u2019s safe to be working on the roof now.\u201d Adam pushed his hat back, grinning. Truly enough, there were three men on the roof, and Dirk recognised Joe among them.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood thing you ain\u2019t up there,\u201d he mumbled, but Adam caught it.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey shooed me off. I helped with the wall, though. So happens I\u2019m an engineer.\u201d He flashed his teeth again. \u201cWithin two more hours we should be done, and you\u2019ll be able to live inside.\u201d
\u201cThank you.\u201d At a loss for words, she repeated her thanks some two or three more times, then grabbed Dirk\u2019s arm and hugged it in sheer happiness. Unable to contain herself, she started hopping on one leg, then looked back over to where Adam stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre ya fine now, Adam?\u201d<\/p>\n
He grinned at her, for her animated face exuded contagious joy.<\/p>\n
Fine? If I can sleep without the dreams, perhaps. If I can get rid of the gnawing guilt deep in my gut. If I can forgive myself for running out on my brothers at the first occasion. If I can stop the what-ifs tumbling inside my head.<\/p>\n
Will it ever feel \u201cfine\u201d? Can it ever?<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Lottie. Getting better every day.\u201d<\/p>\n
~The End~<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Summary:\u00a0 What happened instead for the episode Death at Dawn