Synopsis:\u00a0<\/b>Adam reevaluates his long-standing view of himself as civilized man in light of his experience with Peter Cain as related in the episode “The Crucible”.
\nRating:\u00a0 PG
\nWords:\u00a0 3,900<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The Brandsters acknowledge that the authors are the owners of their stories.\u00a0 Should an author included in the project reach out to us and indicate they do not wish their work to be archived in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library, we will remove their stories.\u00a0 We would also be happy to change the e:mail address for any authors who wish to continue to have their stories archived in the Library.<\/p>\n
KNOW THYSELF<\/b><\/p>\n
Chapter 1<\/b><\/p>\n
It was late afternoon and Hoss, Joe and Ben Cartwright had stopped their horses on a ridge in the wild country east of Pyramid Lake. Heartbroken, Ben reluctantly agreed with his sons that it was time to quit searching and return to the Ponderosa. When he wearily lifted his head from his chest he noticed something moving in the flatland below. It was a man dragging a travois. Ben didn\u2019t trust his eyes at first, but then called out, first in a hesitating voice, then in a desperate shout, “Adam? Adam!”<\/p>\n
Hoss and Joe saw him too. The three men urged their horses into as fast a run as was possible down the steep slope, then galloped across the flat ground, each calling, “Adam!” over and over, but getting no response. Ben reached Adam first and immediately dismounted and approached, but Adam did nothing to acknowledge his presence. Adam dropped the travois, but continued trudging unsteadily forward, smiling and mumbling. When Joe, Hoss and Ben caught up with him, Adam slurred wildly, “There wasn\u2019t any gold! No more games!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then Adam\u2019s eyes met his father\u2019s, and he sobbed out, “Oh, Pa!” and fell into Ben\u2019s embrace.<\/p>\n
Hoss, who had stopped to check the travois, announced quietly, “Pa, he was draggin\u2019 a dead man.”<\/p>\n
Joe filled his hand with water from the canteen he had brought and rubbed it gently over Adam\u2019s face and lips. Then he and Ben held the canteen up to Adam\u2019s mouth and let him drink. Looking at Adam\u2019s haunted face, sunburned and blistered skin, and torn and filthy clothing, Joe whispered, “He\u2019s been through some kind of hell.”<\/p>\n
After a few swallows he collapsed into his father\u2019s arms. Hoss and Joe put their hands on Ben\u2019s shoulder, and the four of them remained locked in that tableau for several minutes. Practical Hoss broke the silence. “Why don\u2019t we move him over into the shade under the ridge there and set up camp?”<\/p>\n
Ben nodded agreement, and with Hoss\u2019s help lifted Adam to his feet. With his arms held over their shoulders, Adam half-stumbled and was half-carried to the location Hoss had indicated. Ben then sat and cradled Adam\u2019s head and torso awkwardly in his arms. Joe brought the canteen again and Adam took small sips until he drifted off to sleep. Ben continued to hold him while Hoss and Joe tended to the horses, started a campfire, and dealt with the body on the travois.<\/p>\n
Ben finally relinquished his oldest son to the bedroll that Joe had prepared. Ben wanted to stay up and watch Adam, but the exhaustion brought on by days of hard riding, ceaseless worry and sleepless nights overtook him. He went to sleep after being assured that Joe and Hoss would take turns keeping an eye on Adam. The younger brothers sat together by the campfire for a while, speculating on what may have happened but unable to reach a plausible conclusion.<\/p>\n
In the morning Adam woke lucid but very quiet. He gratefully exchanged the rags he was wearing for his father\u2019s spare pants and Hoss\u2019s spare shirt. Joe donated his hat to complete the transformation. Adam mustered enough of his accustomed “big brother” persona to protest that Joe shouldn\u2019t go hatless, but Joe responded that he was the least likely to sunburn in the family, and that Adam already looked like he\u2019d spent too much time on a barbecue. Ben, concerned about sunstroke as well as sunburn, backed up Joe, and Adam acquiesced.<\/p>\n
“Adam,” Ben said softly, “I\u2019m sorry son, but the man you were dragging is dead. Your brothers buried him. Could you tell us his name so we can mark it on the site before we leave?”<\/p>\n
“Uh\u2026his name was Peter Cain,” replied Adam after a short hesitation. Adam then retreated into himself and remained silent while the others planned how to proceed. They decided they would ride to the way station where Joe had left Cochise, spend the night there, and continue toward home the next day.<\/p>\n
“I think it\u2019ll be easiest on the horses if I double up with Adam,” opined Little Joe. “We can start out on Sport together and switch off onto Buck or Chubby if necessary.”<\/p>\n
“Is that alright with you, Adam?” asked Ben.<\/p>\n
Adam gave the slightest of nods indicating agreement. Over a meal of jerky and water Joe told him how he\u2019d waited at Signal Rock for almost twenty-four hours on the day they\u2019d arranged to meet. He\u2019d then tried to backtrack in the direction he expected Adam to come from. That day Joe\u2019s horse Cochise split her hoof and Joe had brought her to a remote way station where he found that the station manager had recently purchased Adam\u2019s horse Sport from two passing men. Joe left Cochise at the station and, riding Sport, traced the robbers to Salt Flats.<\/p>\n
Adam shook his head. “I haven\u2019t really thought much about those two men for a while. I suppose I should wonder what happened to them.”<\/p>\n
“They\u2019re dead,” said Joe, “And not at my hands. Though I might of done it, seeing as I thought they\u2019d killed you. But they got into a fight in Salt Flats and got themselves killed before I even got there.”<\/p>\n
Joe half expected Adam\u2019s customary lecture on letting the law handle things, but Adam\u2019s only comment was, “Well, I guess that could be considered justice.”<\/p>\n
After a pause while he appeared to mull over this news he added, “You know, I don\u2019t even care? I don\u2019t mean about the money, Pa. I am sorry about that. I mean about whether those two are alive or dead.”<\/p>\n
“Well you don\u2019t have to worry about the money either,” added Joe. “They still had most of the five thousand dollars on them. The Salt Flats sheriff let me have it after he wired Sheriff Coffee to vouch for who I was. He gave me this too.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Joe opened his saddlebag and removed Adam\u2019s gun. Ben got out Adam\u2019s holster that they\u2019d found at the site of the robbery. Adam accepted them wordlessly, his face an impenetrable mask. Ben told Adam that the money wouldn\u2019t have mattered in the least under the circumstances, but Adam didn\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n
The four men quickly finished their meager camp breakfast and mounted up. Hoss, Ben and Joe had used up most of their provisions several days earlier in the search. Even the water was getting low, but there was enough to last for the twenty-or-so mile ride to their destination. By tacit agreement, Ben, Hoss and Joe used it sparingly while encouraging their dehydrated son\/brother to drink as much as he wanted. If Adam noticed their solicitude, he didn\u2019t comment; in fact he said almost nothing the whole day.<\/p>\n
They arrived at the way station after a long, slow ride. Joe quickly explained to the manager what had transpired since he had left a week before. Despite lingering anger over the man\u2019s purchase of his brother\u2019s horse under what Joe thought should have seemed like suspicious circumstances, Joe apologized for having pulled his gun at their last meeting. The man was glad to have overnight company, and cooked up a generous supper to share with his guests. Adam solemnly regarded the spoon he was handed before he began to eat.<\/p>\n
Cochise\u2019s split hoof had healed, and the Cartwrights prepared to leave at daybreak, each on their own horse. Adam insisted that he was fit enough to make the long ride back to the Ponderosa, and that he preferred to do that than to spend even one more night on the trail. He fell silent again and remained so, except for necessary answers to direct questions, until they arrived at the ranch house. “I honestly thought I would never see home again,” he said in a near whisper. That sentence, and his brief greeting to Hop Sing, were almost the only words his family heard from him until after supper.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Chapter 2<\/p>\n
Hot baths and Hop Sing\u2019s home cooked supper relaxed and revived the four weary Cartwright men. Even Adam was looking more pensive than haggard. “If you\u2019re interested, I believe I am ready to fill you fellows in on what happened,” he said quietly as they all pushed away from the dining table.<\/p>\n
Ben, Hoss and Joe each glanced at Adam and exchanged looks. “If you feel you are ready, I would very much like to hear it, son,” replied Ben.<\/p>\n
Joe and Hoss nodded in agreement, though Hoss was thoughtful enough to add, “If you\u2019d rather just talk to Pa, Joe and I can make ourselves scarce, Adam.”<\/p>\n
Adam didn\u2019t hesitate. “No, you all found me. I imagine you are all wondering. You might as well all hear this.”<\/p>\n
Adam eased himself into a comfortable chair in the great room. Ben and Hoss settled on the settee, and Joe sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace. Adam began:<\/p>\n
“I know I have been pretty tight-lipped the past two days.” he said, “Even for me,” he added, attempting a half-smile which came out as more of a grimace. “I needed the time to think and, well, organize my experience in my own mind, before I could try to put it into spoken words.”<\/p>\n
“I imagine I was a disquieting sight when you came upon me. Truth is, I was afraid to believe you were real. I knew that if I believed in you and you turned out to be a mirage I wouldn\u2019t have the strength to go on.”<\/p>\n
Ben pursed his lips and nodded, remembering. “I was afraid to believe that you were real too, son.”<\/p>\n
After a moment, Adam continued. “Joe, do you remember what we were talking about in the bathhouse in Eastgate?”<\/p>\n
“Boy, Adam, that seems like ten years ago now,” answered Joe.<\/p>\n
Adam sighed. “A lifetime ago to me.”<\/p>\n
Joe scrunched up his face and thought back. “Yeah, I remember,” he said. “We talked about the trial I was staying in Eastgate to watch. I can\u2019t tell you how many times since I\u2019ve wished I\u2019d gone with you or persuaded you to stay with me. I\u2019m so sorry, Adam.”<\/p>\n
“No, Joe, I didn\u2019t bring it up to reproach you. Going off by myself was my choice. I just wondered if you remember what I said about the murderer.”<\/p>\n
“You said he would hang because that was the law.”<\/p>\n
“Do you remember what else I said?”<\/p>\n
“Um\u2026that you would never be in such a fix \u2018cuz no one could provoke you to commit a murder like that. Oh, then you said that I was the only person who could provoke you to murder, and then you pushed my head under water.”<\/p>\n
Joe noticed Ben open his eyes wide. “Oh, Pa, he let me up right away, but then he got away before I could get him back, seeing as I was undressed and in a bathtub. Anyway, Adam, that\u2019s the last I saw of you until\u2026.until\u2026.”<\/p>\n
“Until you found me wandering in the wilderness looking and sounding like a beast from the depths of hell.” Adam finished Joe\u2019s sentence and continued:<\/p>\n
“So, your \u2018unprovokeable\u2019 brother got himself robbed and abandoned with no horse and no water, just west of Job\u2019s Peak. Kind of an appropriate location, don\u2019t you think? Like Job, when I imagined things could get no worse, they did. I headed southwest, though I knew I had little chance of making it out of there on foot. I don\u2019t know how far I walked, or even for how long. Then I came to the top of a rock ledge and saw a man down below, sitting under a tarp shelter, eating. I couldn\u2019t believe it. By then I was too parched to make my voice carry, so I climbed down to him. It was Peter Cain, the man I was dragging when you found me.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Adam steeled himself to continue. “Anyway, he gave me water and food and naturally asked what had happened to me. I told him about the robbery and how what really galled me is how those animals–that\u2019s what I called them–animals, had left me to die.”<\/p>\n
“Cain wanted to know if I would kill the men if I found them. I told him no, that I would turn them over to the law. He wanted to know why. I told him that that was the civilized process.” Here Adam snorted under his breath and shook his head ruefully.<\/p>\n
“Cain argued that most men in such circumstances behaved like animals, and Adam Cartwright, your oh-so civilized and erudite son and brother, actually quoted the sages of Ancient Greece and said that I knew that I would not be reduced to such behavior because I believed it was important to \u2018know thyself\u2019. I can be pretty insufferable, can\u2019t I? Doesn\u2019t this conversation remind you of our discussion in the bathhouse Little Joe?”<\/p>\n
“Hmm, I guess, I don\u2019t know,” answered Joe, squirming a little. Joe, Hoss and Ben were getting a little alarmed at the edge they were hearing in Adam\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n
Ben reached over and touched Adam\u2019s knee. “You don\u2019t have to continue, son.”<\/p>\n
“I do have to, Pa.” Adam was almost shouting. “I want to continue,” he said in a quieter voice.<\/p>\n
“I asked to borrow Cain\u2019s mule to get out of there. Cain said he was close to a striking gold and couldn\u2019t part with the mule. He made me an offer. If I would work for him in the mine for three days, he\u2019d loan me the mule. I hated to think of you waiting for me at Signal Rock, Joe, and the worry I was bound to put you all through, but I didn\u2019t see that I had a choice, so I agreed to Cain\u2019s deal. For the next three days I worked in that hot, stinking mine, shoring it up so that we could set the blast that Cain claimed he was sure would expose the gold vein. Cain was pleasant enough at first, but over the next few days he became increasingly harsh, taunting me, pushing me, depriving me of rest. I had told him that hard work had built the Ponderosa, and he was trying to show me that he could work me harder than I had ever experienced.”<\/p>\n
Adam voice was becoming raspy, and he was breathing hard. His family looked at him in consternation. Hop Sing, who had been listening from the kitchen door, brought him a glass of water and retreated. Adam took a few distracted sips. There was more, and much worse, to come.<\/p>\n
“Cain had me load rocks on the mule, bring them out of the mine, and dump them by him so he could examine them for signs of gold. When the three days were up, I demanded the mule. I told him I\u2019d honored my side of our bargain and I expected him to honor his. He refused. He shot the mule to prevent me from leaving. In exchange for food and water he made me do the mule\u2019s work hauling the rocks out of the mine. He made me eat in the sun, with my fingers. He punished me for taking a break by cutting my rations. One night he set a trap to entice me to sneak away with a canteen full of sand and an unloaded gun. When he caught me he tied me up for the rest of the night. We had appeared to run out of food and water and still he continued to force me to work. You know, I heard you calling me once, but Cain wouldn\u2019t let me answer.”<\/p>\n
The three listeners were having difficulty absorbing the information that was tumbling out of Adam\u2019s mouth, sentence after horrifying sentence. “You let us give this man, this..this monster, a decent burial, and you never let on!” shouted Joe. “We should have left him for the vultures!”<\/p>\n
Hoss was on the edge of his seat with his fists clenched and jaw set, looking like he was ready to pounce if only he had a target. Ben looked ill, but he maintained steady eye contact with Adam. “Shh Joe, sit back Hoss, let him finish, boys,” he said without turning his head to look at them. They did what he asked.<\/p>\n
Adam continued.<\/p>\n
“It all ended when I set the charge that was supposed to reveal the vein and found there was no gold. Cain admitted to having known this for a while. It had all been a game to prove he was the better man, despite his failures. Then he set up one final game. He dug up a full canteen and a bag of provisions that he had hidden and put them on a rock. He placed his loaded gun between us and said he would count to five and then we could both go for the gun. The idea was that whoever got the gun could kill the other and leave.”<\/p>\n
“I didn\u2019t wait for the full count. It\u2019s not that I was capable at that point of determining that jumping the count was a good strategy. Rather, I was in the kind of murderous rage that I had told both Cain and Joe here that I could never be provoked into. I wanted to kill him. We wrestled. I don\u2019t know where I got the strength but I got the better of him, and I put my hands on his throat and started to strangle him.” Adam was choking out his words now. Tears pooled in his eyes.<\/p>\n
“Cain managed to speak. He encouraged me to kill him and said if I did he would win. That gave me pause. I relaxed my grip a bit. Now that I knew it was what he wanted, I no longer wanted to see him dead. I let go, destroyed Cain\u2019s gun, grabbed the water and food, and started to walk away.”<\/p>\n
“But Cain wasn\u2019t through with me yet. I had injured him too much for him to follow me. Instead, he asked if I was going to leave him there to die. He said that I was no better then the men who had done the same to me. Then he said that he had won. ”<\/p>\n
“That did it. I couldn\u2019t let him win. I fashioned a travois, put him on it, and left, dragging him with me. You found me two days later.” Adam stopped talking.<\/p>\n
Joe and Hoss sat in shocked silence. Ben rose, stood behind Adam, and put his hands on his eldest son\u2019s shoulders. “Adam,” he said, “What you did was remarkable. That you tried to rescue him after what he put you through, well, not many would do that. No one could have blamed you if you had left him there.<\/p>\n
“Don\u2019t call me \u2018remarkable\u2019 Pa.” Adam sounded defeated. “Cain used that very word to describe me on the first day, when I claimed that I would not kill the robbers if I caught them. I didn\u2019t put Cain on that travois to rescue him. I put him there because I couldn\u2019t let him win. I actually have no idea when he died. Once he stopped asking for water I stopped offering it to him, or even looking at him. I finished it myself and discarded the empty canteen. I just didn\u2019t want him to win. But he did win. I attacked him in rage and he eventually died as a result.”<\/p>\n
“Adam.” Hoss spoke up. “Whatever you was thinking when you attacked him, if you hadn\u2019t of won that fight he wouldn\u2019t of let you go. So it was self-defense pure and simple and you ain\u2019t got nothing to be beating yourself up over.”<\/p>\n
Ben added, “That\u2019s right son”, and Joe agreed, “Hoss is right, Adam.”<\/p>\n
Adam still looked spent and defeated. “Thank you for defending me to me. But I have been forced to look at a part of myself I\u2019ve always claimed didn\u2019t exist. How insufferable I must sound, always claiming to be so civilized and superior. I know I ought to watch what I say from now on. I\u2019m just not sure I know any other way to be.”<\/p>\n
“Look Adam,” said Joe, “The way you\u2019re always quoting fancy sayings and poems and sounding so sure of yourself and above the rest of us, that\u2019s just the way you are. We expect it of you. I wouldn\u2019t know how to react if you were to change much. It\u2019s kind of like how Hoss eats enough for ten men, or how I\u2019m never on time for anything. We expect you to say those things.”<\/p>\n
“Seriously,” Joe continued, “Holding your temper and always figuring how to do the most sensible thing no matter what anyone else thinks are good things Adam. I\u2019ve been proud of you for acting that way more times than I\u2019ve ever told you. Fact is, I probably never told you. You\u2019ve got a right to be proud of yourself. I think you were entitled to one slip after the hell that man put you through, if it even was a slip which I agree with Hoss it wasn\u2019t.”<\/p>\n
Ben spoke up. “I don\u2019t have anything to add to what your brothers have already said other than I am so grateful to have you home safe.”<\/p>\n
The four men stared at the fireplace for a few minutes. “How are you now, son?” Ben asked, looking back at Adam, whose eyes were blinking with fatigue and unshed tears.<\/p>\n
Adam gazed blearily at his father. “Other than bone tired? I have a feeling it is going to take a long time and much thought before I know the answer to that question.”<\/p>\n
Ben summoned up his hearty, Pa-in-charge voice. “Why don\u2019t we all go to bed? Hoss and Joe, you will need to get started early tomorrow on all the work that\u2019s been neglected around here for nigh on two weeks. Adam, I think you should avoid outdoor work until that sunburn fades, but there is a lot of bookkeeping piled up which I would like you to start on after breakfast.”<\/p>\n
The three brothers each smiled a bit, sighed and headed for their rooms. It was clear that their Pa felt that a return to routine was what they all needed, especially Adam. Adam grabbed Joe\u2019s arm at the top of the stairs. “You never did tell me how that trial turned out.”<\/p>\n
Joe stopped and thought back for a moment. “Well the feller was found guilty of murder. “In the second degree\u2019, they called it. So he wasn\u2019t hanged. He got five years in prison. Seems like his lawyer convinced the judge and jury that what the man had done was something any of them could have been driven to.”<\/p>\n
Adam managed a soft, wry chuckle. “It figures. Good night Joe.”<\/p>\n
“Good night Adam. See you in the morning.”<\/p>\n
“Amen to that,” thought Ben Cartwright as he closed his bedroom door.<\/p>\n
The End<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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\nRating:\u00a0 PG
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