Synopsis:<\/b>\u00a0After a nightmarish experience, Adam and Joe find themselves riddled with guilt as they fight to keep their heavy burden a secret from their father and Hoss.
\nRating:\u00a0 PG-13
\nWords:\u00a0 27,500<\/p>\n
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The Brandsters acknowledge that the authors are the owners of their stories.\u00a0 Should an author included in the project reach out to us and indicate they do not wish their work to be archived in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library, we will remove their stories.\u00a0 We would also be happy to change the e:mail address for any authors who wish to continue to have their stories archived in the Library.<\/p>\n
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Silent Burden<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Adam?” a voice called him. It seemed nearby, yet sounded distant and soft as a whisper. “Adam?!?”<\/p>\n It was Joe. Joe was calling for him. Joe was his brother. But that was all he remembered. Adam couldn\u2019t see, couldn\u2019t speak, couldn\u2019t tell where he was. And he hurt. He hurt badly. Soon, the exhaustion and pain overwhelmed him and he returned to the peace of unconsciousness.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Joe coughed. The smoke was beginning to fill the small cabin. Those men – if he could call them that – left soon after setting the fire. They\u2019d set it, laughing at Joe, chuckling at his helplessness, snickering at his pleading. One of them spit on him as they left him to die in the blaze. And now, with his hands bound firmly to the post behind him and Adam knocked senseless, this shack was not only the Cartwright brothers\u2019 hell on earth, it would soon become their tomb.<\/p>\n “Adam!!!” Joe screamed this time, scratching his throat. His nose stung and his eyes watered. The flames now crept along the wall towards his older brother. Joe kicked ferociously into the air, panicked at the thought of watching Adam burn to death in front of him. He dug his heels into the dirt at his feet and drove his back into the beam that held him in hopes he could somehow knock it over and free himself. “Come ON, Adam!” he screeched. “GET UP!!!!”<\/p>\n Adam wouldn\u2019t move. Joe paused, catching his breath, his heart pounding in his chest. It hurt to breathe. He knew it wouldn\u2019t be long before the smoke overwhelmed him. What could he do? There was nothing to cut the ropes and no one there to untie him. He was going to die. So was Adam.<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes and gave up. There was no use in fighting anymore. The ropes were too strong and too tight. The post was too sturdy. And Joe was too shocked to deal with what he just lived through, anyway. It was easier to simply give in. Heaven would be a better place. Pa would understand. Wouldn\u2019t he? He pictured his father, saw his worried face searching, suffering over the disappearance of his oldest and youngest sons. And when he found them and their bodies were brought forth from the charred mess, Pa would fold in agony. He\u2019d lose two sons, Joe thought – two coffins to buy, two graves to dig, two headstones to lay. That couldn\u2019t happen. Not to Pa.<\/p>\n With a surge of strength, Joe gave a final pull on the cords that bound him. His right hand cracked and broke, bending his thumb into his palm. Joe cried out in pain as his mangled hand fell free. The ropes loosened and he stood, but fell quickly to his knees. Black smoke blanketed the upper half of the cabin. Thankfully, Adam still lay on the floor.<\/p>\n Joe crawled, cradling his broken hand. He fell over his brother and in a fervor, searched for a spot on his neck for a pulse. When he found one, he slapped him with his good hand. “Get up, Adam!!!” he yelled into his face. “Get up, NOW!!!”<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t stir.<\/p>\n With no further effort to rouse him, Joe grabbed Adam\u2019s feet with his arms and dragged him towards the door. He stumbled with the smoke, with Adam\u2019s weight and with the pain in his hand, but he pushed on. Just as the first touch of the cold night air hit his face, the cabin succumbed to the fire and fell. He picked up his pace and dropped Adam\u2019s legs only once they were out of the fire\u2019s reach. He looked back into the flames and saw the post that held him captive for so many hours.<\/p>\n It was still standing.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n “Pa?” Adam said as he woke, shivering. “Pa, are you there?”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Joe scrambled over to him. “Adam, it\u2019s me.”<\/p>\n “Joe?” he asked, desperately trying to focus on his brother in the moonlight.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m here, Adam,” Joe said, helping him to a sit. He rubbed Adam\u2019s arms to warm him. “Are you hurt bad?”<\/p>\n Adam reeled with nausea, but he managed to sit up by himself. A monstrous pile of embers burned yards away. “What happened, Joe?”<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t remember?”<\/p>\n “No.”<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t answer. He settled himself next to Adam and stared back at the dying fire, his eyes filled with hatred. “I\u2019ll kill them for what they did, Adam,” he said, quietly. “I\u2019ll kill every last one of them.”<\/p>\n Adam thought for a moment, trying to recall the reason for such a fatal promise. Even Joe wouldn\u2019t threaten death for a mere beating. Then suddenly, quick flashes appeared in Adam\u2019s mind…the whiskey, the laughing, the beating….<\/p>\n “My God.” Adam said, then thrust himself over so not to vomit on himself or his brother. He wretched violently. Each heave riddled his chest with pain. Each glimpse of memory scathed his mind with despair.<\/p>\n Adam sat back up and spit, then wiped his mouth with his arm. Dried blood caked his hands, but he didn\u2019t know whose blood it was. He turned to his brother, who stared deeply into the orange and black pit. “Joe,” Adam said. “Were we the only ones in the cabin when they set it?”<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “She got away from them, Adam.”<\/p>\n Adam clutched his side and leaned over once again, but this time, the sickness did not come. He stared at the dark ground, still unsure about the events of the evening, even more unsure about himself. No questions would come from Adam, however. No questions would ever come. He turned to sit in stony silence with Joe.<\/p>\n “They\u2019re gonna wish they never lay eyes on me, Adam.” Joe said. He bit his lip to quell his frustration. “They\u2019re gonna wish they were dead by the time I\u2019m through…”<\/p>\n “Stop it, Joe.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not just gonna kill \u2018em, Adam. I\u2019m gonna…”<\/p>\n “I said STOP it!!!” Adam yelled and grabbed Joe\u2019s arm.<\/p>\n “WHY?!?!” Joe jumped up in front of him. “Why should I? After what they did to us? What they did to…”<\/p>\n Adam stood and snatched Joe\u2019s collar. “You listen to me, Joe. This ends here, do you understand me?”<\/p>\n “What do you mean, it ends here? It does NOT end here! I\u2019m gonna make them…”<\/p>\n “You\u2019re doing nothing! You\u2019re saying nothing! That\u2019s it!” Adam yelled. “What happened to us will not be brought up again, do you understand?”<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes searched his brother\u2019s. “We can\u2019t just forget, Adam.”<\/p>\n “We can.” Adam said. “And we will.”<\/p>\n “But what about…”<\/p>\n “Joe!” Adam yelled. “STOP!”<\/p>\n He let go of Joe and closed his own eyes tight, vowing to himself no one would ever know what happened to them. No one would ever know his pain or his guilt. No one would ever have to suffer through the memory. No one.<\/p>\n “Now come on.” Adam said. “We\u2019ve got to find a house before we freeze to death.”<\/p>\n As he walked, every step brought agony and every movement brought pain. Adam\u2019s legs weren\u2019t broken, but they throbbed unmercifully and he could see from only one eye. Blood still trickled from the wounds on his face and he could feel it seep into what was left of his shredded shirt. The cold of the night only added to his discomfort and exhaustion. Adam wanted to sit down and give up. Had Joe not been with him, he would have.<\/p>\n Luckily, they happened upon another shack within a mile. Any farther and Adam would\u2019ve sent Joe on without him. It\u2019s owner and sole inhabitant was eager to help the unfortunate young men. Ike Petree was a scraggly old man, poorer than the dirt of his floor, but kind-hearted and friendly. He took the Cartwright brothers into his tiny home without a second thought.<\/p>\n “Son,” the old man ran his hand down Adam\u2019s bare back as Adam washed himself carefully. “You\u2019ve got some mighty awful bruises. Looks like you might be hurt real bad. You see the doctor first thing into town.”<\/p>\n Adam offered him a weak smile. “I will.”<\/p>\n He noticed Joe\u2019s hand under the lamplight on the table. It was purple and swollen. A pang of sorrow and regret stabbed at Adam\u2019s heart. He hadn\u2019t even asked Joe how he was.<\/p>\n “Your hand.” Adam said. It was the first thing he\u2019d said to Joe since they\u2019d left the ashes of the cabin.<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “I broke it getting out of the ropes.”<\/p>\n “Ow!” the old man said. “My Lord, boys! Who did this to you two?”<\/p>\n “A group of animals, not fit to be called men.” Joe said. “They left Adam unconscious and me tied to a post, then set the cabin on fire.”<\/p>\n “Well, what the devil did they do that for?”<\/p>\n “They\u2019re sick and evil. Poor excuses for men. Poor excuses for human beings.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019d a guessed.” Ike sighed. “Too many men like that round these parts lately. Eastern men, probably. Or maybe from Californey.”<\/p>\n Joe smiled with tired eyes. “Don\u2019t know.” he said. “Wherever they\u2019re from, they\u2019re gonna wish they….”<\/p>\n Joe stopped as he caught Adam\u2019s glare. Ike followed Joe\u2019s gaze back to Adam. “What the heck is wrong with you, boy? Why\u2019re you lookin\u2019 at your brother like that?”<\/p>\n “I just don\u2019t think he needs to talk about it, that\u2019s all.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Well, why shouldn\u2019t he? You\u2019ve been robbed, beaten, nearly kilt! I\u2019d expect him to talk about it! I\u2019d expect him to be rippin\u2019 mad, too!”<\/p>\n “We shouldn\u2019t bother you with our troubles.” Adam said, smiling in frustration.<\/p>\n “You ain\u2019t botherin\u2019 me. If I was bothered, I wouldn\u2019t a let you in here.” Ike scowled.<\/p>\n Adam frowned one more warning at Joe before sinking his hands and face back into the basin of water.<\/p>\n “Young man!” Ike pointed his finger at Adam. “You ought to be thankful to yer brother, by God! He saved your life tonight.”<\/p>\n “Yeah.” Adam said. “I ought to be.”<\/p>\n Adam blotted his sore face with the scratchy towel Ike had laid out for him. It didn\u2019t feel good to be so harsh with Joe. Joe was his brother and Adam loved him. Plus, the old man was right, Joe had saved his life. But harshness was the only way to get the subject dropped. Besides, Adam wasn\u2019t sure if he was thankful that Joe had dragged him from the fire or not.<\/p>\n Adam sat in the wooden rocker near the woodstove and away from the chatter of the table. Ike had given him a shirt, so the chill was leaving his body even if the pain wasn\u2019t. He had hoped he could borrow a horse, but Ike had none. He and Joe would have to walk home – or at least until they reached the next ranch. Adam knew a few of the families on the west side, but the thought of asking them for help didn\u2019t make him feel better. He wasn\u2019t in the mood to explain his condition to anyone. Virginia City was only a couple miles north, but the gawking he\u2019d receive in town would be far worse than from any of the ranchers. It would be just as easy to cut into the Ponderosa and hopefully, meet up with one of the hands. Either way, Adam wasn\u2019t looking forward to the trip.<\/p>\n Half a dozen whiskey bottles lined Ike\u2019s mantle. Adam stared at them, each at various stages of fullness. Only one stood full and amber. Adam was repelled by the sight of it, disgusted by the memory of the taste. It\u2019s what those men drank. It\u2019s what they forced down his throat. He’d swallowed at least a half a bottle of alcohol that evening as a result. As humiliating as it was, however, those swallows had saved his sanity and given him the ability to hide from the horror of the evening. Adam found himself longing for a drink. Maybe that would clear his head.<\/p>\n Joe fell asleep at the table and Ike walked to Adam. “You want some of that, son?” he said. “You been starin\u2019 at them bottles like they\u2019s women.”<\/p>\n Adam shrugged and looked shamefully to the floor.<\/p>\n Ike walked in front of him, belching as he passed. Adam winced and Ike laughed at his disgust. “You\u2019re much too proper, boy.” he said and held the full bottle out for Adam to take. “Ease up a little bit.”<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t have much left.” Adam said. “I wouldn\u2019t want to take your last bottle.”<\/p>\n “I got plenty more. You take this for your walk home.” Ike told him. “Somethin\u2019 tells me you ain\u2019t gonna be fit to be around without it.”<\/p>\n Adam took the bottle, even though slightly angered by the old man’s comments. He nodded graciously. “I appreciate all you\u2019ve done for us.” Adam said. “And I promise, I\u2019ll repay you for everything.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll tell you how you can repay me, young man.” Ike said. “You be decent to that brother of yours over there. He thinks more of you than you realize and you ain\u2019t said two words to him since you got here \u2018cept to lambaste him for talkin\u2019.”<\/p>\n Adam nodded solemnly. ” I know.”<\/p>\n Ike slapped Adam\u2019s knee good-naturedly. ” I ain\u2019t blamin\u2019 you, boy. I\u2019m sure you got your reasons. But if you start feelin\u2019 uppity, you take a sip. You\u2019ll feel better. And it\u2019ll help those wounds heal, too. ”<\/p>\n Adam opened the bottle. The smell made him reel. He didn\u2019t want it anymore.<\/p>\n “Go on, take a few.” Ike said, nudging the bottle towards Adam\u2019s mouth. “I promise, you\u2019ll sleep sound as a bear.”<\/p>\n Adam eyed the bottle and noticed his hand was shaking. He was hit with the sudden urge to yell, to punch, to cry. He wanted to kill those men. He wanted to tear them apart and watch them die. Try as he might, he felt no different than Joe. He wished<\/p>\n he was home. There, maybe he\u2019d forget the images racing through him. He was ashamed at himself for it, but he wanted his father. He wanted his room and his bed and his books and his pa, but all he had now was the bottle. He brought the whiskey to his lips and swallowed. When he opened his eyes, Ike was smiling down at him.<\/p>\n “Feel a little better, doncha boy?”<\/p>\n Adam nodded, then took another swig. It ran down his throat, warming the cold hatred in his heart and dousing the pain and agony he was sinking in. “Course you do,” Ike said and pat his head. “Here\u2019s a blanket. I\u2019ve got some hay over in the corner for you to sleep in. Help me bring yer brother over. He\u2019ll get a crick in his neck if we leave him where he is.”<\/p>\n After a few more swallows, then tucking Joe into the hay, Adam lay himself beside his younger brother. His head swayed slightly, but he did feel better. His chest didn\u2019t hurt quite as badly, nor did the chunk of flesh that had been kicked off his cheek. In fact, Adam didn\u2019t want his father anymore. Ike was right. Maybe it was just what he needed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n II<\/p>\n Morning brought little warmth to the October air. A fine mist fell on the young Cartwrights as they said their good-byes to Ike and made their way towards home. Fortunately for them, Ike saved everything. In his shed were bundles of old clothes. He found two jackets for the boys and helped them put them on. They smelled musty and dirty and were laden with moth holes, but Adam and Joe were thankful they\u2019d at least be warm for their journey.<\/p>\n The two men walked silently. Their prints – at least 6 feet apart from each other – made muddy holes in the trail. Joe watched his brother ahead of him. Adam limped and stared at the ground, taking intermittent sips off Ike\u2019s whiskey bottle. Joe knew he hurt. Adam\u2019s face alone made Joe cringe in repulsion. His right eye was blackened and shut tight, his lips were swollen and purple. Numerous scarlet bruises covered his jaw and cheeks and the gouge near his chin still bled. Anger raced through Joe\u2019s blood as he silently vowed revenge against the men who hurt his brother. He didn\u2019t care what Adam said, Joe was going to kill them.<\/p>\n As mad as he was at the rest of the world, Joe wanted to be near Adam. He needed his reassurance and he needed his strength. Most of all, Joe needed to know that Adam was going to be all right. He quickened his pace to walk beside him, careful not to look at his face – not because of the horror of its condition, but because of the fear of angering him.<\/p>\n “You think Pa\u2019s sent someone to look for us?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “No,” Adam said. “We\u2019re only a day behind schedule.”<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “You all right, Adam?”<\/p>\n Adam looked over and stopped walking. “Look, Joe,” he said. “I meant what I said about not bringing it up.”<\/p>\n “I didn\u2019t bring it up,” Joe said. “I asked if you were all right.”<\/p>\n “I know what you\u2019re trying to do.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “So, what are you going to do? Never talk about it again?”<\/p>\n “Joe,” Adam said. “You\u2019re pushing it.”<\/p>\n Joe closed his mouth, both frustrated and angry. Adam walked away from him and took another swig from his bottle. That angered Joe even more.<\/p>\n “So what are you gonna tell Pa, Adam??” Joe called. “That you fell off your horse?!?!”<\/p>\n Adam marched back. “We\u2019re going to tell Pa we were robbed and that\u2019s it. End of story!”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s not the end of the story!”<\/p>\n “Joe, it\u2019s none of his business what happened back there. Don\u2019t you burden him with that. Don\u2019t you dare!”<\/p>\n “You say whatever you want to Pa and so will I.” Joe said.<\/p>\n Adam grabbed him and pulled him so close, Joe could feel his warm breath and smell the alcohol that escaped with it. “What do you think it will it do to him if he finds out, Joe?”<\/p>\n Joe stared at Adam\u2019s broken face. “What will it do to you if you just keep it inside for the rest of your life?”<\/p>\n “Talking isn\u2019t going to help.”<\/p>\n “But drinking will?”<\/p>\n Adam loosened his grip and turned away from Joe, his head down.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re drinking that whiskey like it\u2019s a canteen, Adam.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I just need it until we get home, Joe.” Adam faced him once again. “In case you hadn\u2019t noticed, I\u2019m not very comfortable.”<\/p>\n Joe blinked, unconvinced. “You\u2019ve been hurt before, Adam, but you didn\u2019t drink like this! First thing in the morning, taking a sip every…”<\/p>\n “Enough!!!” Adam yelled. “I\u2019m not discussing this with you anymore.”<\/p>\n “Fine!” Joe walked ahead. “We can discuss it with Pa.”<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t stop to see if Adam was coming after him. He was going home and he was going to tell his father.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m asking you, Joe!” Adam called after him. “Please?”<\/p>\n Joe turned and Adam moved to him slowly. His older brother was no longer stern and forceful; he now stood pitiful and sad. Joe\u2019s heart bled for him.<\/p>\n “Please, Joe.” Adam said. “For no other reason than it will hurt me more. Don\u2019t speak of it – ever again.”<\/p>\n “How can I promise that, Adam?”<\/p>\n “I know it\u2019s a lot to ask.” Adam said. “But I\u2019m asking you. All I want is to go home and forget it ever happened.”<\/p>\n Joe swallowed the lump in his throat as he stared at Adam\u2019s face.<\/p>\n “For me, Joe,” Adam said. “Please. At least give me time to sort it out in my own mind before I have to deal with hurting Pa, too.”<\/p>\n “But Pa will…”<\/p>\n “Please, Joe?”<\/p>\n Joe sighed and nodded reluctantly.<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t smile, but he brushed Joe\u2019s arm affectionately. “Joe,” he said. “It\u2019ll be all right.”<\/p>\n Joe watched his brother walk ahead of him, knowing full well it wouldn\u2019t be.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam and Joe met their friends, Roger and Bill Clemens on the northwest road outside of Virginia City that bordered the Ponderosa. Adam stood below their horses, growing embarrassed as the Clemens boys made faces at the sight of him.<\/p>\n “Damn, Adam,” Roger winced. “You need a doctor.”<\/p>\n “You need one right away.” Bill agreed.<\/p>\n “What we really need are a couple of horses, Roger.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “You know you\u2019re welcome to anything of mine, Adam.” Roger said. “Climb up on back and Joe can ride with Bill. I\u2019ll take you back to my place and you can take a couple of fresh horses from there.”<\/p>\n “Thanks for your trouble, you two.” Adam said, outstretching a hand to be hoisted up.<\/p>\n “What trouble? It\u2019s only half a mile away. Besides…” Roger lost his train of thought and squinted as he pulled Adam up behind him. “Cartwright, you been drinking?”<\/p>\n “You noticed that, too, huh?” Joe spoke up for the first time since they met the Clemens. Young Bill helped Joe up behind him.<\/p>\n Adam shot Joe an angry glance behind Roger\u2019s back. Joe shot it right back.<\/p>\n “I just had a shot or two,” Adam said. “Just to get me home.”<\/p>\n “Well, I don\u2019t blame you there, buddy.” Roger said. “I think if I were in your condition, I\u2019d have more than a couple shots.”<\/p>\n “He has.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Do you mind?” Adam snapped at him. “You\u2019re not funny.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not trying to be.” Joe said seriously.<\/p>\n The two brothers glared at each other silently. When they reached the Clemens\u2019<\/p>\n place, Adam took the first horse ready and left before Joe\u2019s was even saddled, hoping his father and Hoss were out working so he could slip in without being seen. He didn\u2019t want to talk to anyone.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Ben Cartwright brushed down his beloved Buck in the barn. He\u2019d been worried since the horse strained his front leg in a fall up in the north pasture last week. Ben swore to everyone that Buck had hurt himself to save his master from injury. The horse had lost his footing and instead of rolling onto Ben, the old gelding wrenched himself forward. Thankfully, his leg was healing. Ben couldn\u2019t bear the thought of having to put him down.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re a good man, aren\u2019t you, Buck?” Ben smiled as he rubbed the long yellow face. “And you\u2019ll be better in no time. Yes, you will.”<\/p>\n He gave the horse a handful of oats, then walked back into the drizzle of the outside. Ben paused at the door as he heard a rider approach. Good, he thought, maybe it\u2019s one of the boys. Better late than never, he supposed. He stood and waited. A sorry sight of a man rode in on a small red and white paint. The man was dirty and disheveled and held himself as if he were hurt. Who the devil is this?<\/p>\n “Adam?” Hoss asked from the porch.<\/p>\n “Adam?!” Ben reiterated and headed over. The young man had dismounted and was approaching Hoss. Ben could see Hoss\u2019 expression go from question, to shock, to anger, but the rider was still back to him.<\/p>\n “Who did this to you, Adam?” Hoss demanded.<\/p>\n Ben finally reached his oldest son and turned him around. What he saw stopped his breath.<\/p>\n Adam wouldn\u2019t meet his father\u2019s eyes so he didn\u2019t see them travel over his battered face, didn\u2019t see the wave of horror and sorrow that filled them. Ben brought his hands carefully to Adam\u2019s bruises.<\/p>\n “Hoss, get the doctor,” Ben said. “And bring Roy with him.”<\/p>\n “Yessir.” Hoss answered and jumped towards his horse.<\/p>\n “Hoss, wait! I don\u2019t need either of them.” Adam said. ” I just had a scrape with a few bullies.”<\/p>\n “A scrape?!” Ben bellowed. “A scrape?!!? You call this a scrape????”<\/p>\n “Pa, calm down.” Adam said. He stumbled, but caught himself on his father\u2019s sleeve. “I\u2019m all right.”<\/p>\n “You most certainly are not all right!” Ben snapped. “Hoss, get the doctor now!”<\/p>\n “Pa! I said I don\u2019t need a doctor!” Adam argued. “Will you listen to me?”<\/p>\n The arrival of Joe interrupted their argument. He pulled up beside them, pale and<\/p>\n just as dirty as Adam, holding his swollen hand to his chest.<\/p>\n ” And you don\u2019t look much better than your brother!” Ben yelled at him. “Are you going to tell me you don\u2019t need a doctor, too?”<\/p>\n “No, Pa.” Joe said softly.<\/p>\n “Well?” Ben asked. “Are one of you going to tell me what happened?”<\/p>\n As Joe stared at his father, his lips began to tremble. Ben lost his frustration and ran to his youngest son.<\/p>\n “Joe,” he said tenderly. “What is it, boy?”<\/p>\n Joe looked over at Adam.<\/p>\n “We were robbed, Pa.” Joe said, softly. His tortured expression did not change.<\/p>\n Ben smiled tenderly and squeezed his son\u2019s thigh. “Joe. You boys are all that matters to me. Money is nothing compared to the two of you.”<\/p>\n Joe nodded, but Ben could see he felt no better. “What happened, son? What has you so downhearted?”<\/p>\n “He told you what happened, Pa.” Adam said. “We were robbed and they got the better of us, as you can see. His pride\u2019s hurt, that\u2019s all.”<\/p>\n Ben turned back to Joe who stared down at his saddlehorn. “Is that all, Joe?”<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n “Joe?” Ben said, wonder and worry welling inside him.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s face turned from sadness to alarm. “Adam!” He yelled and dismounted in a mad rush. Ben turned just as Adam fell into Hoss\u2019 arms.<\/p>\n Adam moaned as Ben reached him. With the sweat running over his bruised face, Adam looked up at his father. “I couldn\u2019t let them hurt Joe,” he whispered hoarsely. “I couldn\u2019t.”<\/p>\n “Hoss!” Ben croaked, pulling Adam into his arms. “Get the doctor NOW!!!”<\/p>\n This time, Adam didn\u2019t protest. He passed out in his father\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Even before his eyes opened, Adam knew he had a headache, one that throbbed through his ears and pounded in his jaw. It hurt so badly that he tried to return to sleep to escape it, but someone\u2019s hands were on him. He woke to the concerned face of his doctor.<\/p>\n “For the love of God, Adam. What did they do to you?” the man asked.<\/p>\n Adam winced. “Got the better of me, I guess.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019d guess, too.” Dr. Martin replied. “You know you have three broken ribs.”<\/p>\n “I figured I had one anyway.”<\/p>\n “Adam.” His father came to his side. “How are you feeling, son?”<\/p>\n “I feel about as good as I look.” Adam said, wryly.<\/p>\n His father smiled and gently rubbed his hand.<\/p>\n “Adam, this was no run of the mill brawl.” the doctor said. “You\u2019re lucky you weren\u2019t killed.”<\/p>\n ” I suppose I am.” Adam said.<\/p>\n Dr. Martin pulled the sheets to Adam\u2019s chin. “Well, I don\u2019t think you have any internal injuries except for those ribs. You haven\u2019t coughed up blood, have you?”<\/p>\n “No.”<\/p>\n “You know, you\u2019ve got 16 stitches in you, Adam.” he went on. “And they broke one of your back teeth. That must have been one hell of a punch.”<\/p>\n Or kick, Adam thought. He ran his tongue around his mouth and felt the jagged molar. The way he\u2019d been beaten, he was lucky his whole set of teeth wasn\u2019t still back there in the burnt out cabin.<\/p>\n “Adam.” Ben said. “Roy wants to speak to you. Can you talk to him?”<\/p>\n “There\u2019s really nothing to tell him, Pa.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Can\u2019t you tell him anything about last night?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “No.”<\/p>\n “There must be something you remember.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Nothing.”<\/p>\n “Adam, think!” His father coaxed. “These men must be caught and punished. The sooner Roy…”<\/p>\n “Pa, I said no!!! There\u2019s nothing, so just drop it, will you??!!” Adam yelled, the effort sending stabs of pain through his body. How had he walked home in this condition? It hurt now to even think.<\/p>\n The whiskey….<\/p>\n Adam pushed himself to a sit and found both men\u2019s troubled eyes upon him. He shouldn\u2019t have snapped like that. He shouldn\u2019t have yelled at his father. And now, he was bringing more attention to the situation than he had wanted. But that didn\u2019t matter at the moment. What he needed was another drink.<\/p>\n “What do you think you\u2019re doing?” his father asked, looming over him.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m getting up.”<\/p>\n “Oh, no you\u2019re not. Lie back down in that bed.” Ben said. “You\u2019re in no condition to go anywhere.”<\/p>\n “I got home, didn\u2019t I?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n “Yes and then you passed out in my arms!!!” Ben yelled this time. “Or did you forget that part?!?”<\/p>\n Adam swung his legs around to the floor.<\/p>\n “Adam,” the doctor said, quietly. “I\u2019ll have to agree with your father on this one. You should stay in bed for a couple days.”<\/p>\n “Well, I can\u2019t.” Adam said bluntly. He stood up and went to his bureau, grabbing his clean red shirt from the second drawer. He put one arm in his sleeve, then brought the shirt slowly across his shoulder.<\/p>\n “See?” Ben asked. “You\u2019re in pain, aren\u2019t you?”<\/p>\n Adam finished with his shirt and headed for the stairs, ignoring him. His father\u2019s concern was starting to anger him and the last thing either one of them needed right now was an argument. Adam went down over the stairs.<\/p>\n Roy Coffee sat in his father\u2019s chair and stood up the moment he saw Adam. “Landsakes, boy! Lookit you!” Roy said. “I ain\u2019t never seen anyone beat so bad in all my days, no one that was still walkin\u2019 around anyway.”<\/p>\n Adam acknowledged him with only a nod and poured himself a snifter of brandy. It smelled delicious and how good it tasted – much smoother than the whiskey, that was certain. He poured himself another and noticed Joe peering over at him in protest. He turned away, then drank it anyway.<\/p>\n “You have my word, Adam, I\u2019m gonna do everything in my power to see those men tried and punished.” Roy said. “I\u2019ll find them, don\u2019t you worry.”<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t see how, Roy. We don\u2019t even know who they are.” Adam answered.<\/p>\n “Joe tells me he\u2019d know the men if he saw them again.” Roy said.<\/p>\n Adam looked over. Joe\u2019s angry eyes were no longer on him, but were now turned away in trepidation.<\/p>\n “I said maybe I\u2019d know them, Roy,” Joe said. “And maybe I wouldn\u2019t.”<\/p>\n Joe glanced back at his brother, sadly, and gave him a tight smile.<\/p>\n Roy walked over to Joe. “So, young man,” he said. “Would you know them or wouldn\u2019t you?”<\/p>\n “I probably wouldn\u2019t.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s going on here?” Roy asked, more than irritated. “One minute you\u2019d know them and the next minute you don\u2019t?”<\/p>\n “I just…I probably wouldn\u2019t know them after all.” Joe said softly.<\/p>\n “So what can you tell me about them?” Roy said.<\/p>\n “Well, they were on horseback,” Adam said. “And they\u2019re now 4600 dollars richer than they were.”<\/p>\n “How many of them were there?” Roy asked.<\/p>\n “Four,” Adam said. “And since there\u2019s really not much else to say, I\u2019d like to rest, if you don\u2019t mind.”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Roy grabbed his arm. “You tell me your version of what happened. I want to see if you remember anything different than Joe does.”<\/p>\n Adam stood, aching with every breath, sickened at the thought of talking about it any more. He knew it was wrong of him to hide the truth. It was as bad as lying. Both went against every fiber of what he\u2019d always believed in. But Adam wanted it gone, wanted the whole night forgotten. The thought of a trial sent his insides reeling. Coward or not, liar or not, Adam wasn\u2019t going to think about it ever again. Besides, after last night, his morals weren\u2019t in question anymore. He was just as low as the men who did this to them.<\/p>\n His father stood watching, hands on his hips, mouth hard and eyes harder. Adam made a point of not looking at his father again.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Roy said. “Tell me what happened.”<\/p>\n “We were jumped while we were sleeping.” Adam said. “There\u2019s not too much more I remember, besides trying to stop them and being beaten.”<\/p>\n “Are you sure you\u2019re telling me everything, Adam?” Roy said. “Joe says….”<\/p>\n “Adam was knocked down right away, sheriff.” Joe spoke up. “It\u2019s probably all a blur to him.”<\/p>\n “Well, why\u2019d they beat him up so badly and not you?” Roy said. “He must know that.”<\/p>\n Joe got up and stood beside Adam. “How would he know how men like that think?” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I ain\u2019t askin\u2019 you to tell me what they think, I\u2019m asking you to tell me what they did!” Roy was getting riled. “Now you tell me what happened Adam and tell me right now!”<\/p>\n “Why are you badgering him?” Joe asked angrily. “I told you he doesn\u2019t know!”<\/p>\n “Because I think he knows and I think you know and for some strange reason, neither one of you want to tell me!” Roy snapped. “Now if you boys are getting images of goin\u2019 after these men on your own without the law, then you best be changing your mind pretty quick or else…”<\/p>\n “We aren\u2019t going after anyone.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Then why aren\u2019t you telling me the whole truth?”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s what happened, Roy.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Adam Cartwright, I know you\u2019re stubborn. And I know you and I have butted heads on more than one occasion. But I\u2019d never thought I\u2019d see the day where you lied to me.” Roy shook his head.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s not lying!” Joe shoved the sheriff back into the chair. “You heard what he said!”<\/p>\n “Joseph!” Ben ran over and grabbed him by the arms as Roy slowly righted himself.<\/p>\n Joe stared at everyone with pursed lips and a heaving chest. No one spoke or moved, except for Adam, who situated himself diplomatically between his father and brother.<\/p>\n “Look, he\u2019s sorry.” Adam said, less than amicably. His words sounded more like an insult than an apology. “And I\u2019m sorry. We\u2019ve got nothing more to tell about last night and we\u2019re tired of the questions.”<\/p>\n Roy\u2019s narrow eyes slid between Adam and Joe as if calculating which one of them he was the most angry with. Adam could feel his father\u2019s eyes burning through him, but he would not meet his gaze. He stood staunchly, yet awkwardly, staring at the bottle of brandy feet away as a tense silence filled the room. If he could only have one more sip…<\/p>\n “Well, I must get back.” Dr. Martin finally spoke up. “I\u2019ve left some Laudanum in your room for the boys\u2019 pain, Ben. Only give it to them if they really need it. I\u2019d rather see them take a shot of whiskey if you have it.”<\/p>\n He gathered his coat and hat as the others remained wordless statues.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll be back the day after tomorrow to check on you two. Remember – no heavy labor. I want you boys resting whenever possible. Especially you, Adam.” He said. He raised his eyebrows. “Is anyone listening to me at all?”<\/p>\n Ben eased away from the discomfort of the room. “Of course, Paul, and thank you. I don\u2019t know what we\u2019d do without you.”<\/p>\n “Well, your boys are very lucky you weren\u2019t killed dealing with men like that.” the doctor said. “Roy, how about riding back with me?”<\/p>\n The sheriff gave the Cartwright boys one last disappointed head-shake before meeting the doctor at the door. “If you two happen to remember anything else, you make sure and tell me.” Roy said. “And you remember what I told you. If I hear of you going after those men, it\u2019ll be you who\u2019s in jail. Understand?”<\/p>\n Adam and Joe nodded, keeping a united front even after the door closed. They turned to face their father.<\/p>\n “I just hope for your sakes that Roy is wrong.” Ben said. “If you\u2019re planning on going after someone by yourselves, it won\u2019t just be him you\u2019ll be in trouble with.”<\/p>\n “We said we weren\u2019t, Pa, and we meant it.” Adam said. “Can\u2019t you just leave it at that?”<\/p>\n “Leave it at that when you boys were nearly killed?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n ” \u2018Sides, those men have 4600 of our dollars.” Hoss added. “Seems a shame to me that you two can\u2019t come up with anything more than just there were four of them.”<\/p>\n “If that\u2019s what the problem is, I\u2019ll pay the ranch back the money out of my own salary.” Adam snapped.<\/p>\n “You know that weren\u2019t what I meant, Adam.” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “Sure sounded like it.” Joe added.<\/p>\n “No matter what you say,” Hoss walked to Adam. “I think there\u2019s somethin\u2019 you ain\u2019t tellin\u2019 us, older brother. I just can\u2019t figure out what or why.”<\/p>\n Adam rolled his eyes and went back to the carafe of brandy. He poured himself another shot and drank it.<\/p>\n “Well,” Ben said. “I think right now we all need some rest. We\u2019ll figure out the whats and the whys in the morning.”<\/p>\n “There\u2019s nothing to figure out, Pa.” Adam said. “How many times do we have to say that?”<\/p>\n “Adam, I know my sons and I know when they\u2019re trying to keep something from me.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Well, if you know so much, Pa, why don\u2019t you go after them yourself and get your precious money back?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n “THAT weren\u2019t called for, Adam!” Hoss said. “You know dang well we don\u2019t care \u2018bout that money! We wanna know who did this to you!”<\/p>\n Adam slammed his glass on the table, the motion sending a surge of pain through his insides. He exhaled and looked at his family. “I\u2019m through talking.” he said and went up the stairs.<\/p>\n Adam could hear Hoss call after him. “You\u2019re some lucky you\u2019re banged up, Adam! Cuz if you weren\u2019t, I\u2019d….”<\/p>\n Adam slammed his bedroom door. He looked around his room – the porcelain basin, the volumes of literature, the picture of his mother and her music box beside it, the fine linen on his bed and the beautiful furniture his father had lovingly bought piece by piece for him. All these were symbols of the man he had been, the life he had known before this. Adam swiped his arm across his bureau, sending books and pictures to the floor, his body aching in pain, his mind swimming in guilt. Now he could add lying to his list of broken commandments and his father to his list of people he had hurt.<\/p>\n For a moment, he wanted to turn around and go back downstairs. He grabbed the door latch, ready to tell his Pa, tell him everything that happened. Tell him how he\u2019d failed as a man, as a human being. Tell him why he would now have to hang his head in shame every time he looked at his oldest son. His hand slipped back to his side. How could he put Pa through that? What purpose would it serve other than to ease his own mind? No. Adam stayed with his first instinct. He\u2019d have to deal with his guilt on his own. He wasn\u2019t going to drag his father down with him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n III<\/p>\n Over the next few days, as their physical wounds began to heal, Adam and Joe spent their time as shadows in their house, floating silently from room to room, barely speaking and never smiling. They acted like wild animals, shying away from Ben and Hoss, snapping if they got cornered. Although their physical pain seemed to have lessened, their distance increased tenfold.<\/p>\n Ben tried more than once to engage them in conversation, but Adam had all he could do to even feign interest and Joe was short-tempered and grouchy. Ignored and snapped at too many times, Ben found himself nervous around them. Hoss, usually so understanding, began to scowl at his brothers. The family was growing apart. Even meals were no longer a time when the four could mend fences and share concerns. Joe was late every breakfast, lunch and supper and Adam barely ate at all.<\/p>\n Sleeplessness began to creep into Ben\u2019s nights. He told himself not to worry about his sons, but it did no good. He found himself tossing and turning, laying awake for hours on end until the sun crept up over the horizon. After three days of this, Ben decided to rise before the sun, determined to eat breakfast with all his boys for the first time since Adam and Joe had left on their trip. He sat drinking coffee alone until Hoss came down the stairs a little after dawn.<\/p>\n “Mornin\u2019 Pa.” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “Good morning, son.” Ben smiled at him. “Any noise from their rooms?”<\/p>\n “Adam\u2019s up, I think.” Hoss said as he poured himself coffee. “I heard him banging around in there.”<\/p>\n Ben nodded. “Well, Hop Sing\u2019s up and cooking right now. I\u2019m going to make sure they eat with us this morning.”<\/p>\n “Good.” Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n The room stayed awkwardly silent for a moment, save for the sips of hot coffee. Ben had tried not to make too big of a commotion about his uneasiness regarding Adam and Joe to Hoss. He didn\u2019t want to worry him needlessly. There was no sense in both of them losing sleep. Now, however, Ben needed Hoss\u2019 help.<\/p>\n “How do they seem to you?” he said in the stillness.<\/p>\n Hoss looked at him silently for a moment. “I think they\u2019re feelin\u2019 better.” he nodded finally. “Joe was out ridin\u2019 yesterday.”<\/p>\n “Have either one of them talked to you?”<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head. “No, Pa.”<\/p>\n Ben sighed.<\/p>\n “Pa, we\u2019re probably worried \u2018bout nothin\u2019.” Hoss suggested. “They\u2019re probably embarrassed or somethin\u2019 \u2018bout losin\u2019 that money is all. You saw yourself how guilty they felt about that. Plus, they did get whalloped.”<\/p>\n “Perhaps.”<\/p>\n “We just gotta give \u2018em some space.” Hoss said. “If somethin\u2019s botherin\u2019 them, they\u2019ll come to us eventually.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019ve been trying to give them space.” Ben said. “Joe avoids me and Adam looks right past me.”<\/p>\n “They\u2019re doin\u2019 the same thing to me, Pa.”<\/p>\n “Well.” Ben patted Hoss\u2019 arm. “At least I\u2019m not the only one.”<\/p>\n Ben stood and his smile grew wide as Adam slowly descended the stairs. The poor boy still looked as if he\u2019d been swatted by a grizzly bear, but at least he was coming to eat for a change. By the looks of him, Ben wondered if Adam had eaten anything since he\u2019d been home.<\/p>\n “Good morning, son!” Ben gleamed. “Feeling better?”<\/p>\n Adam shrugged, then nodded. “Mornin\u2019.” he grumbled. He didn\u2019t go to the table, but went to his hat and coat near the door. Ben\u2019s happy face crumbled and he sat back down.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Hoss called over. “Pa thought maybe the four of us could have breakfast together.”<\/p>\n Adam walked around the corner, slowly pulling on his jacket. “I can\u2019t.” he said.<\/p>\n “Course you can!” Hoss smiled. “Get over here!”<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t share Hoss\u2019 good nature. “I said I can\u2019t.” he said. “I\u2019ve got to go into town.”<\/p>\n “Town? For what?” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “For some things I need.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sure Hoss can get them for you later, Adam.” Ben said kindly. “Nothing\u2019s open now anyway and you, young man, need your rest.”<\/p>\n “I know what I need, thank you.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s so important in town that you can\u2019t eat breakfast?” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “Since when do I have to answer to you?”<\/p>\n Hoss set his coffee cup on the table and glared at his father, his eyes narrowing in anger. Ben held up his hand to calm him.<\/p>\n “Will you be gone long, Adam?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t know, Pa.” Adam said. “I\u2019ll see you when I get back. Ok?”<\/p>\n “Ok, Adam.” Ben said.<\/p>\n When the front door closed, Ben bowed his head and rubbed his brow.<\/p>\n “I sure hope whatever\u2019s into him gets out of him soon, Pa.” Hoss said. “I can\u2019t figure out why he can\u2019t talk civil to me anymore. \u2018Sides, I can\u2019t stand seein\u2019 you worry like this.”<\/p>\n “He\u2019ll be fine and so will I.” Ben said, as much for himself as for Hoss. “You know your brother. He has to work things out for himself. He\u2019s just a…. Joseph!”<\/p>\n Ben brightened once again as his youngest came down the stairs and joined them, still in his nightshirt and robe. Joe took a seat at the table and rubbed his eyes.<\/p>\n “I need coffee.” Joe said, his voice hoarse with the morning.<\/p>\n Ben jumped up like a nervous butler. “Yes sir!” he laughed excitedly. “Hop Sing\u2019s making pancakes and sausage which will be out very soon. Can I get you anything else, Joe? A pillow to rest your hand on? Is it aching badly this morning or are you feeling better?”<\/p>\n Joe squinted at his father, confused by his gibbering. “No thank you, Pa.” he said.<\/p>\n “No thank you!” Ben repeated, elated. “Are you warm enough? Would you like a shawl or a blanket?”<\/p>\n “Is he all right?” Joe asked Hoss.<\/p>\n Hoss grinned. “He\u2019s just happy you feel better, little brother.”<\/p>\n Joe offered his father a weak smile and Ben laughed. “You think he feels better now, just wait \u2018til he eats some of those pancakes. Hop Sing!!!”<\/p>\n Hop Sing served the three Cartwrights and they thanked him. Ben was so glad to have at least one of the boys show signs of normalcy that he didn\u2019t stop laughing and chatting throughout the whole meal. Joe wasn\u2019t very talkative, but he smiled more than once at his father. Things were looking up.<\/p>\n “Is Adam up yet?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n Ben nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. “He had to go into town.”<\/p>\n “This early?”<\/p>\n “Perhaps he\u2019s got business to take care of.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Adam wouldn\u2019t tell us what he wanted in town.” Hoss added as he wiped his mouth. “He don\u2019t want to tell us much of anything, I guess.”<\/p>\n “What\u2019s there to tell?” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I dunno.” Hoss shrugged. “I just meant he ain\u2019t talkin\u2019 to anybody lately.” “Maybe if you were a little nicer to him, he\u2019d talk to you.” Joe eyed Hoss.<\/p>\n “Me?” Hoss grinned. “You serious, Joe?”<\/p>\n “Yeah, you!” Joe wasn\u2019t laughing. “First night home and you\u2019re threatening to hit him, throwing your weight around like you always do. Just because you\u2019re bigger than us doesn\u2019t give you the right to boss us around!”<\/p>\n Ben could see that although Hoss was amused, Joe was more than serious. He was beginning to make a fist with his good hand.<\/p>\n “Joe,” Hoss smiled at him, good-naturedly. “I may\u2019ve bossed you at times in the past, but I sure as heck ain\u2019t never bossed Adam. For pete\u2019s sake, who do you always complain about bein\u2019 bossy? It ain\u2019t me!”<\/p>\n Joe shook his head slowly. “I don\u2019t complain about Adam.”<\/p>\n With that, Hoss broke into laughter and slapped his knee.<\/p>\n “Hoss…” Ben whispered.<\/p>\n “Now THAT,..” Hoss laughed. “Is the funniest thing I\u2019ve heard in a long time.”<\/p>\n “Hoss.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “You hear that, Pa?” Hoss giggled. “Joe don\u2019t never complain about Adam. You get hit on the head, too, little brother?”<\/p>\n “Hoss!” Ben snapped, but it was too late. Joe decked Hoss from across the table, then raced around it to land on him and pummel him with punches. Ben\u2019s chair fell over backwards as he jumped to stop the fight.<\/p>\n Before Hoss could speak, Joe screamed at him. “Don\u2019t laugh at me!!!” Joe yelled. “Don\u2019t you ever laugh at me!!! You hear me, Hoss???”<\/p>\n Hoss stared up at him, stunned. ” I hear you, Joe.” he said.<\/p>\n With that, Joe climbed off him. He shoved a chair out of his way and it tumbled into the middle of the floor. Then, Joe stormed off upstairs, leaving his brother and father bewildered behind him.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sorry, Pa.” Hoss said as he stood. “I didn\u2019t realize he was so angry. I thought I was just teasin\u2019 him like I always do.”<\/p>\n Ben nodded sadly, then straightened the fallen chair. He pushed it gently back to its place at the table.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Adam walked down the street. The sun was warm already even though it was hours from noon. A nice change, he thought. Too bad it hadn\u2019t been warm on their trip. He and Joe nearly froze in their blankets that evening. Joe kept nudging closer to him for warmth and Adam kept snapping at him to stop kicking and get his legs off him. The night had begun with a brotherly argument and had ended in a nightmare. Adam shook his head to clear the memory.<\/p>\n He had come to town early, hoping the town would still be groggy in the early morning. People would be eating breakfast and getting ready for the new day. Nothing would be open; nothing but Kate\u2019s Boarding House, or, as Adam and most of the men of Virginia City knew, brothel. He turned the corner in the alley to cut across the back way to Vintage Street, craning his neck around to make sure no one saw him.<\/p>\n Adam walked to the back door and knocked. Someone had to be awake. This house never slept. The door opened and a startled young woman stood before him, her silky blue robe drawn tightly to her waist.<\/p>\n “Adam Cartwright?” she said.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s me, Pauline.” he smiled through a sore mouth.<\/p>\n “My God, Adam! You look like you\u2019ve been run over by a stagecoach!”<\/p>\n “Thanks, Pauline. You look good, too.”<\/p>\n She grinned at him and led him by the hand to the parlor. “Well! I couldn\u2019t think of a better way to start my day,” she said, coyly. “It\u2019s about time you took me up on my offer. Lord knows I\u2019ve invited you here enough.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019ve been busy.” he said, taking off his hat.<\/p>\n “Busy!” she teased. She stopped and touched his cheek, making him wince. “You\u2019ve been busy all right. What happened to that handsome face of yours?”<\/p>\n “It\u2019s a long story, one I don\u2019t care to get into right now.”<\/p>\n Pauline grinned slyly. “Funny.” she moved closer to him. “I always pictured you to be one to talk first, if you know what I mean.”<\/p>\n Adam stepped back in to the wall, embarrassed and awkward.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll wake someone else if you like, Adam.” she whispered deeply and began to play with the buttons on his shirt. “But, I\u2019ve always fancied you, always wished someday you\u2019d come see me.”<\/p>\n “Pauline.” he sighed. “Tempting as you are, I really didn\u2019t stop here for that.”<\/p>\n She looked at him quizzically. “You didn\u2019t?”<\/p>\n He shook his head. “I was wondering if you possibly had an extra…. bottle? I\u2019ll pay for it, of course.”<\/p>\n “Bottle? Of what?”<\/p>\n “Of whiskey? Or maybe brandy?” he whispered.<\/p>\n “Whiskey? You came here for whiskey?”<\/p>\n Adam nodded. “It helps y\u2019know…. with the pain….”<\/p>\n Pauline stood stumped. “Well, sure Adam, I know that. But why\u2019d you come here? Whyn\u2019t you go to the Silver Dollar or the hotel? Even the general store has whiskey.”<\/p>\n “Well, it\u2019s early and I was in town and…” Adam shrugged. “I just thought I\u2019d visit you instead.”<\/p>\n Pauline looked at him. “Sure there\u2019s extra, Adam. You can take one. You can take as many as you want.” she said. “I still don\u2019t get why you came here. You sure you weren\u2019t lookin\u2019 for something else?”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sure, Pauline,” he said, growing nervous that someone would see him before he left town. He had already been here longer than he planned. “It hurts to ride my horse, let alone…well, you know what I mean.”<\/p>\n “Ok, Adam,” she said. She unlocked the cabinet and passed him a full bottle. “One enough?”<\/p>\n “Thank you, Pauline,” he nodded. “And make sure and thank Kate for me. ” He handed her money. “There\u2019s extra for your troubles.”<\/p>\n She pushed his hand back. “Adam, I don\u2019t want your money.” she said, smiling. “Anything of mine is yours. For free. If you know what I mean.”<\/p>\n Adam blushed. “Pauline, you can flirt your way to anything, can\u2019t you?”<\/p>\n “Not to you, unfortunately.” she said.<\/p>\n Adam waved and walked out, leaving the money on the dining room table as he left despite Pauline\u2019s rebuttal. He tucked the bottle into the inside pocket of his coat, then headed quickly back to his horse. He left town quickly, proud of escaping before anyone noticed him.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Joe dressed himself and waited in his room until he heard his father and brother leave the yard. He didn\u2019t want to talk to either of them. He didn\u2019t want to talk to anybody. He strode quickly out to the barn and gathered his saddle and tack. He sure as heck wasn\u2019t going to sit around the house all day.<\/p>\n “C\u2019mere, Cochise…tk, tk, tk.” he called his horse to face him.<\/p>\n Cochise turned eagerly to his young master and Joe nuzzled him. He closed his eyes and buried his face into the horse\u2019s neck. “Thank God I didn\u2019t take you, Cochise. You\u2019d be with them now. But I\u2019d come after you, boy. Nothing would stop me and I\u2019d kill \u2018em.”<\/p>\n Joe looked into his horse\u2019s face and scratched beneath his mane. He remembered those men hadn\u2019t even bothered to feed or water their horses once they\u2019d gotten to the shack. They weren\u2019t just monsters to him and Adam, they were monsters to any living thing they came in contact with. Anger reared its ugly head inside Joe once again. “I\u2019ll kill them, anyway, Cochise.” he said. “I\u2019ll kill them after I drag them to hell and back.”<\/p>\n Joe turned and saw Lenny, one of the ranch hands, standing in the doorway.<\/p>\n “What are you, eavesdropping?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “No, Joe. I just got here.” the big man answered. “I just came looking for a new bit for my horse. His bothers him, so…”<\/p>\n “Your tack is in the other barn.” Joe snapped.<\/p>\n “There\u2019s no extra bits, so…”<\/p>\n “So nothing!” Joe yelled. “Who said you could come in here???”<\/p>\n “I come here all the time, Joe. I took care of Cochise just last week for you!”<\/p>\n Joe stood fuming and embarrassed that someone had caught him confiding in his horse. “You don\u2019t need to come in here when you know I\u2019m in here.”<\/p>\n Lenny stood perplexed, then shrugged. “Whatever you say, Joe.”<\/p>\n Joe walked back to Cochise and quickly saddled him, ignoring his splint and ignoring the guilt he felt for his outburst. He galloped out of the yard and down the road, pulling the reins to a stop when he noticed another rider approaching. It was Adam. His chestnut horse walked slowly towards him, looking almost red in the bright autumn sun.<\/p>\n “And how are you doing, Joe?” Adam smiled and rested his weight on his saddlehorn.<\/p>\n Joe stared at him, trying to figure out how he could be so happy. Then he remembered. “You\u2019re drunk.” he said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not drunk!” Adam said, each word distinct and drawn out.<\/p>\n “Bull!” Joe snapped. “You\u2019re drunk and it\u2019s not even 10 o\u2019clock in the morning!”<\/p>\n “Think what you will, Little Joe.” he said and tipped his hat. He swayed slightly in his saddle. “Whoa, boy.”<\/p>\n “Sport isn\u2019t moving, Adam.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Ok, so he\u2019s not! So what?”<\/p>\n “So, you\u2019re telling him \u2018whoa\u2019 when he\u2019s standing still and you\u2019re telling me you\u2019re not drunk.” Joe explained.<\/p>\n “Joe,” Adam smiled. “I am having too nice a day to get angry at you. If you\u2019re looking for a fight, look somewhere else.”<\/p>\n “This what you\u2019re going to do, Adam?” Joe asked, disgusted. “You going to drink it away?”<\/p>\n Adam lost his smile. “I told you to shut your mouth about it and I meant it.”<\/p>\n “I shut my mouth, Adam!” Joe said. “Look where it\u2019s gotten us.”<\/p>\n “You think it would be better if they knew, Joe?”<\/p>\n Joe thought for a moment. “No. It wouldn\u2019t. And I\u2019m not going to tell them, ” he said. “But you already know.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not talking about it, if that\u2019s what you\u2019re looking for.”<\/p>\n “It\u2019s driving me crazy, Adam!” Joe pleaded. “All I want to do is fight, all I think about is going after them and killing them. I can\u2019t take it!”<\/p>\n “Grow up and deal with it.” Adam snapped. “I did! And I\u2019m the one who….”<\/p>\n Adam shook his head. Joe saw his brother\u2019s face bow in the agony of the memory. He wanted to go to him.<\/p>\n “Adam, you saved me.” Joe choked with emotion. “You did what you had to…”<\/p>\n “Shut up!!!” Adam yelled. “Just shut up!!!”<\/p>\n Joe calmed himself. “But you…”<\/p>\n “If you\u2019re gonna bring it up every time I see you, then I suggest you stay away from me.” Adam ground his teeth as he spoke. “Just stay away, Joe, understand?”<\/p>\n Adam raced off and Joe hung his head, then wiped the tears that had escaped without him realizing it.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n When Adam returned to the ranch, Lenny came out of the barn. Ignoring him, Adam tied Sport to the post and picked up the bucket to put some fresh water in the trough. He walked to the pump, dismayed that Lenny had followed him.<\/p>\n “Adam.” Lenny said.<\/p>\n “What is it, Len?” Adam said as he drew the water.<\/p>\n “Are we not allowed to go in the barn anymore?” he pointed to it.<\/p>\n “What are you talking about?”<\/p>\n “Joe told me to stay out of it; that we have our own barn.”<\/p>\n Adam stopped pumping.<\/p>\n “You know you\u2019re allowed in the barn.” Adam said. “Did you tell me this to get Joe in trouble?”<\/p>\n “No, Adam,” Lenny said with innocent eyes. “I just don\u2019t know what I did to make him so mad at me.”<\/p>\n Adam sighed. “Joe\u2019s mad at everyone right now, Lenny, don\u2019t take it personally.”<\/p>\n “Well, he ain\u2019t mad at you.” the big man said. “Yesterday, Doug Wenkens was asking about how come you\u2019re drinkin\u2019 so much and Joe broke his nose for him. He told Doug if he ever heard anyone bring you up again, they\u2019d be fired.”<\/p>\n Adam felt as if someone had slapped his face. He hadn\u2019t realized anyone even knew about his new preoccupation, let alone discussed it. And Joe. Adam hadn\u2019t realized it bothered him this seriously. Was he really drinking that much? He felt the bottle inside his jacket and remembered the empty ones inside the house. He\u2019d been drinking nearly nonstop since that first bottle of Ike\u2019s. Shame filled him and he closed his eyes.<\/p>\n “The boys know you\u2019re hurtin\u2019, Adam. One look at you is proof to that. They don\u2019t think either way about it. Doug was just wonderin\u2019 about how you were doin\u2019 is all and Joe took offense.” Lenny went on. “And don\u2019t worry – ain\u2019t nobody sayin\u2019 nothin\u2019 to your Pa.”<\/p>\n Adam nodded and carried the water back to the trough.<\/p>\n “You feelin\u2019 any better a \u2018tall, Adam?” Lenny asked.<\/p>\n “No.” Adam poured the water for Sport. “I\u2019m feeling worse, Len. I\u2019m feeling worse.”<\/p>\n He threw the bucket to the ground and went inside the house.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n IV<\/p>\n Ben stepped out onto the porch. A flock of geese chattered as they flew overhead and Ben walked out into the open to look up at them. The sight of them warmed his heart. No matter what was going on in his world, Mother Nature remained beautiful.<\/p>\n “Have a safe trip!” he called, waving after them. He laughed slightly at his foolishness. Those geese couldn\u2019t care less that Ben Cartwright was wishing them well.<\/p>\n The wind whipped through the yard and Ben pulled his coat closer to his chest. He was hoping for another round of Indian summer, but it didn\u2019t look like that was going to happen. Not yet November and he already wished he was wearing gloves. He looked back up at the geese, now just tiny lines in the white sky. Then the thought hit him. Had he given his boys the same farewell he had given those geese? He tried to remember and closed his eyes. Adam and Joe had left the morning Ben had slept late with a cold. Suddenly he felt very sorry. He never said a word to them.<\/p>\n The crack of an ax hitting wood came from behind the barn, so Ben walked over to see Hoss. He knew the boys had been taking turns with the pile, but since the trip, Hoss was the only one well enough to work on it. To Ben\u2019s astonishment, it was Adam who stood amidst the cluttered logs. Ben cringed as he watched his son raise the ax again. “Adam!” Ben marched over. “You shouldn\u2019t be doing that, now put that down.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m fine, Pa.” he said.<\/p>\n “I can see from over there that you\u2019re hurting, so put it down like I asked you to!”<\/p>\n Adam sighed and set the silver ax beside the stump he was using for a chopping block. He wiped his face with his bandanna and turned away from his father to study what remained of the pile.<\/p>\n “Adam.” Ben\u2019s tone softened. “Broken ribs don\u2019t heal in a week.”<\/p>\n “It\u2019s been over a week.”<\/p>\n “It\u2019s been eight days.” Ben said. He put his hand to Adam\u2019s shoulder. “Come and sit down with me.”<\/p>\n Adam rolled his eyes. “Pa…”<\/p>\n “Adam, please.” Ben said and sat on the fat stump. He upturned another large hunk of wood for his son and slapped it. “Would you rather come and sit inside?” he smiled.<\/p>\n “I didn\u2019t want to sit in the first place.” Adam turned away, but Ben grabbed his hand.<\/p>\n “OK, OK.” Ben pulled him down. “I just want to see you for a moment. I haven\u2019t had the chance to talk to you since you came back – just you and I.”<\/p>\n “Here we go again.” Adam stood back up and moved away before his father could pull him back.<\/p>\n “Adam. Why can\u2019t you talk to me?” Ben followed him.<\/p>\n “Pa, I can. I\u2019m just not going to sit with you bombarding me with questions that I either can\u2019t answer or are just plain stupid!”<\/p>\n “Stupid?!”<\/p>\n Adam began to walk away, muttering to himself, but Ben stayed right behind him.<\/p>\n “OK, Adam, OK. No questions. Just talking. Just you and I.” Ben said. Adam turned to face him, so Ben tried desperately to think of something to say without asking him anything or bringing up their trip.<\/p>\n “So!” Ben said. “You\u2019ll be pleased to know that the Munsons are rebuilding. The whole town chipped in towards their new house.”<\/p>\n “What happened to their old one?”<\/p>\n “I thought I told you. It burnt to the ground last week.”<\/p>\n Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n “Perhaps the four of us can go over tomorrow and help with the framing.” Ben said. “I\u2019m sending some lumber over today.”<\/p>\n He watched his oldest son with baited breath.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t know.”<\/p>\n “Adam, they\u2019re our neighbors and they need our help.”<\/p>\n Adam looked up into the sky, then back at his father. “Yeah, I guess I could.”<\/p>\n “Ha!” Ben slapped his arm. “That\u2019s my boy!”<\/p>\n “Yeah,” Adam nodded, sedately. “Your boy.”<\/p>\n Ben watched him, happy to have his son back. Yes, it was true he practically had to hold him down to talk to him and yes, it was true Adam barely spoke in return. But Adam had talked to him and the conversation had ended on a pleasant note. Ben smiled after him as Adam walked towards his jacket, proud of him for his determination to work no matter what condition he was in. Then, Ben\u2019s smile disappeared as he caught a glimpse of the silver flask that had been hidden beneath the tan coat. Adam shoved it inconspicuously into his pocket, then walked back towards the house as his father\u2019s heart sank into his shoes.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n “Joe!” Eden Munson called after him as he walked to the barn. “Joe!”<\/p>\n He turned to watch her walk to him, her brick red hair bouncing behind her. Eden was not a girl he\u2019d ever been too attracted to, but today, he thought any female company would be a nice change. It had been a while since he even thought about a girl, let alone talked to one.<\/p>\n “Joe, I want to thank you for coming here and helping my father today.” she said. “You Cartwrights are so strong and helpful. I don\u2019t know how we could have done it without you.”<\/p>\n “Well, it\u2019s the least we can do for a neighbor, Eden.” he said.<\/p>\n “How is your hand?” she asked. “I know it\u2019s broken, but you\u2019re using it like it doesn\u2019t even hurt.”<\/p>\n “It doesn\u2019t hurt that much anymore. Not unless I bang it or wrench it.” he said.<\/p>\n “I see,” she nodded. “Pa says you and Adam got robbed coming back from San Francisco. He said you lost nearly 5000 dollars.”<\/p>\n Joe nodded.<\/p>\n “That must feel awful, Joe, losing so much money. Why, that\u2019s more than this house and land cost put together.”<\/p>\n Joe was beginning to wish he hadn\u2019t stopped for her. “It does, Eden.” he said.<\/p>\n “What did you ever tell your father?” she asked, an excited smile creeping across her face. “Were you afraid to tell him?”<\/p>\n “Not really.” Joe looked around for an excuse to walk away from her. Now he remembered why he never thought of her as date. She was no more sensitive than a piece of rawhide.<\/p>\n “Well, I surely could never forgive myself for losing that much money.” she giggled. “You are certainly a good sport about it.”<\/p>\n “Eden, I have to go talk to my brother.” he said and headed to the closest one. Adam stood sawing a timber a few yards away.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Joe said. “What are you doing?”<\/p>\n “Sawing, Joe,” Adam said. “What does it look like?”<\/p>\n “Well, I just….” Joe began.<\/p>\n “Adam, Joe\u2019s been telling me all about the robbery.” Eden had followed him. “How awful you must feel.”<\/p>\n The post fell cut in two and Adam lay down his saw. “Has he?”<\/p>\n “Why yes, almost 5000 dollars. That must\u2019ve been a terrible ordeal.” she said. “Please, please tell me whatever did you boys do?”<\/p>\n Adam ignored her and carried the beam to Hoss and the other men who were studding the frame for the house. Hoss studied it. “Adam, this is almost a foot shorter than it\u2019s supposed to be.”<\/p>\n “No it\u2019s not.”<\/p>\n “Adam, look.” Hoss held it up next to the other posts and sure enough, it was too short. “I marked it straight across. Why\u2019d you cut it there?”<\/p>\n “Well, Hoss, maybe you marked it wrong.”<\/p>\n Hoss marched over to Adam\u2019s pile and picked up the freshly sawed wood with his lead mark down it\u2019s center. Adam was way off.<\/p>\n “You just plum started sawin\u2019 where you felt like it!” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “What happened?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “Just stay out of it, Joe.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Dagburnit, Adam!” Hoss said. “You can\u2019t read a line?”<\/p>\n Joe heard Eden start giggling behind him<\/p>\n “Yes, I can read a line. Just give me another piece and I\u2019ll cut it!” Adam said.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re dang right you will!” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “Look,” Adam walked towards him. “I\u2019m trying to be decent about this so just get off my back. I said I\u2019ll saw another piece and I will!”<\/p>\n Eden\u2019s giggling grew louder and rage began to fill Joe\u2019s chest. She clutched his arm with the thrill of an impending fight.<\/p>\n “Yeah and you\u2019ll take half the afternoon to saw another one.” Hoss muttered. “And I know just why you messin\u2019 up, Adam. You ain\u2019t foolin\u2019 me.”<\/p>\n “Adam\u2019s going to hit him.” Eden squealed with joy.<\/p>\n “Will you SHUT UP??!!??!??” Joe turned on her and pushed her away from him. “What kind of SICK person are you to laugh at that?”<\/p>\n Eden stood in shock for a moment, as did all three Cartwright brothers. Joe\u2019s heart began to pound steadily as he realized what he\u2019d done and what was going to happen. Eden then burst into tears, loud tears, loud enough to stop the hammering and the sawing of every man and woman on the lot.<\/p>\n In an instant, Mr. Munson rushed over to cradle his daughter in his arms. Ben joined them along with a dozen other curious neighbors.<\/p>\n “He told me to shut up, Daddy!” the girl wept. “He yelled at me and told me to shut up! Then he said I was sick! All because I was laughing.”<\/p>\n All eyes turned on Joe.<\/p>\n “Well, I\u2019m sorry, but she was laughing at my brothers….”<\/p>\n “Is that a crime?!” Munson yelled at him. “How dare you speak that way to my daughter!?”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sorry, Mr. Munson.” he said shamefully. “I just…”<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t care what you just!” Munson yelled. “Ben! Take your boys and go on home. This one isn\u2019t welcome here.” “Don\u2019t George me! I want you and your boys off my property!” he yelled. “And you can take your lumber with you, too. Make a girl cry like that, what a sorry young man you are. And that one!” He pointed to Adam. “That one\u2019s been drinking alcohol all day! It\u2019s good to know you\u2019re the type of man who won\u2019t let his hired hands drink on the job, Ben, but has no problem letting his son drink while he\u2019s building MY house!”<\/p>\n Shaking their heads and whispering, the crowd left the Cartwrights standing alone. Humiliated, Ben and Hoss stood fuming and the four men eyed one another.<\/p>\n Ben stepped closer to his sons. “I\u2019m so ashamed I can\u2019t even speak.” he whispered harshly.<\/p>\n “Then don\u2019t.” Adam said. He threw down his saw and sauntered off to his horse.<\/p>\n Joe could see his father\u2019s eyes turn coal black as he watched Adam mount and tear out of the yard. It had been a long time since he\u2019d seen that look on his father\u2019s face and Joe knew if Adam had been within his reach, Pa would have backhanded him. He jumped when his father turned on him.<\/p>\n “And you, Joseph Cartwright. It is one thing to snap at your brother and I, and even at the men at the ranch.” Ben seethed. “But a young girl? I didn\u2019t raise you to speak to women that way.”<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t even know what happened.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t know and I don\u2019t care.” Ben answered. “This behavior is going to stop now. Do you understand me?”<\/p>\n Joe looked at his brother. Hoss used to be his friend. Hoss used to understand. Now, Hoss glared at him with as much anger as his father. Joe wanted to punch him.<\/p>\n “Do you?” Ben repeated.<\/p>\n “Yeah, I understand you, all right.” Joe said. He picked up his hat and headed for Cochise. He took off on his father the same way Adam had.<\/p>\n Joe found sanctuary in town, hoping to find Adam, but neither horse nor rider were anywhere to be seen. He walked into the Silver Dollar and ordered a beer.<\/p>\n “You seem awful solemn, Little Joe.” the bartender said.<\/p>\n “Tough day.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “How\u2019s Adam doin\u2019 anyway?”<\/p>\n “Why?”<\/p>\n “Heard he got awful beat up, that\u2019s all, Joe.”<\/p>\n “Why don\u2019t you just mind your own business? Ain\u2019t people got nothin\u2019 better to do than discuss me and Adam?”<\/p>\n Confused, the big man backed away from him without another word and walked to the other end of the bar. Joe took his beer and sat at the corner table, as far away from people as he could. As he sat, a thought crossed his mind. He was crazy. Nuts. Insane. Plain and simple. Things weren\u2019t getting better. Things weren\u2019t all right like Adam had promised. What did Adam know anyway? All he did was drink, the drunk. It was only a matter of time before Adam turned into Charlie, the bum of Virginia City who asked everyone who passed him by for a piece of silver. Adam. His big brother Adam.<\/p>\n Two weeks ago, Joe wouldn\u2019t have thought it possible. Not Adam. Anyone but Adam. This was the same man Joe had always been so proud of, the same man Joe turned to when he needed advice. If you needed to know what was right, what was honest, what was fair, just ask his brother, Adam. No matter how much he argued with him, Joe knew no one matched Adam\u2019s tenacity and composure, and very few matched his wits. Adam was always so strong and solid, so sure of himself and so smart. But now, Adam was lost in a bottle. The worst part was, it was all because of Joe. If he hadn\u2019t been there, Adam would\u2019ve made it to town that night like he wanted to. If he hadn\u2019t been there, Adam probably would\u2019ve made it home days earlier. And if he hadn\u2019t been there, Adam never would\u2019ve met up with those monsters in the first place.<\/p>\n Joe spent the rest of the afternoon plotting. He had to think of some way to make it up to his big brother.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n V<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hoss listened as his father woke and went downstairs for the fifth time that night. His brothers had been home nearly two weeks and their father hadn\u2019t slept right since their return, but tonight was worse. His father never even settled into bed until after 3 0\u2019clock in the morning.<\/p>\n Hoss worried about them, too. He missed them. They never talked to him anymore. They didn\u2019t joke with him, didn\u2019t laugh with him, didn\u2019t even smile at him. He was sorry for whatever it was they had been through, but Hoss wasn\u2019t going to let whatever was bugging them get his father sick. Pa was beginning to look almost as bad as Adam.<\/p>\n He woke himself early and checked on his family. All of them slept – even Pa, finally. Good. He dressed, grabbed some donuts and coffee from the kitchen and headed for the barn. Adam was his best bet. Even though he all but ignored everyone lately, at least Adam didn\u2019t punch him in the jaw every time he opened his mouth like Joe did. Nah. Adam wouldn\u2019t hit him. And he just might talk if their father wasn\u2019t around. Since older brother now had the habit of making early morning visits to town, Hoss figured he\u2019d catch him when he wasn\u2019t expecting it.<\/p>\n Sure as shine, Adam came to the barn at dawn. Hoss watched him for a moment without Adam realizing it and a stab of pity pierced Hoss\u2019 heart. Adam was so gaunt and haggard and even though his wounds were disappearing, he still looked beaten. Bags hung under his eyes and his cheeks were hollow. He carried himself like a man who\u2019d lost everything. Those proud shoulders were gone, that strong gait was gone. He didn\u2019t look like the same man Hoss knew before they left.<\/p>\n “Mornin\u2019, Adam.” he said, walking into the sparse sunlight so he could be seen.<\/p>\n Adam startled and looked over at him. His gaze was neither friendly nor happy. He looked mad. “Yep.” was all he said before he went back to saddling his horse.<\/p>\n “You got a minute?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n “Nope.” Adam shook his head.<\/p>\n “Well, I\u2019m gonna take a minute.” Hoss said and grabbed the horse\u2019s saddlepad from his back.<\/p>\n “You picking a fight with me first thing in the morning?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n “No, Adam,” Hoss said. “I just need to talk to you. That\u2019s all. Just for a minute.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not in the mood to talk.” Adam said, snatching the pad from Hoss\u2019 hands and laying it back in place.<\/p>\n “Listen, Adam. Pa hasn\u2019t slept through the night since you two came home.” Hoss said. “He\u2019s killing himself with worry over you two and I ain\u2019t standin\u2019 for it anymore.”<\/p>\n “Well, I guess that\u2019s Pa\u2019s problem, isn\u2019t it?”<\/p>\n Hoss grabbed Adam\u2019s jacket collar and yarned him over to him. “It\u2019s YOUR problem, Adam!”<\/p>\n He stared into Adam\u2019s eyes and there was nothing – no fear, no sorrow, no anger – just apathy. “What\u2019s wrong with you, Adam? And what\u2019s wrong with Joe?”<\/p>\n Adam wrenched himself from Hoss. “Why don\u2019t you ask Joe what\u2019s wrong with Joe?”<\/p>\n “Cuz I can\u2019t say two words to him without him jabbin\u2019 me in the face!”<\/p>\n With that, Adam raised his brow. “Try leaving him alone.”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Hoss said as he watched his brother saddle up. “It ain\u2019t just me with Joe. He\u2019s pickin\u2019 fights everywhere he goes. The hands are even startin\u2019 to complain. And you saw him the other day with Eden Munson.”<\/p>\n Adam straightened himself with pursed lips. “All we want is some peace, Hoss. We\u2019ve been prodded since we got home.”<\/p>\n “Now, that\u2019s a lie!” Hoss yelled. “Ain\u2019t no one prodded either one of you!”<\/p>\n “Look,” Adam sighed. “I\u2019m sorry that we\u2019re troubling you two, but there is nothing to worry about!”<\/p>\n “Nothin\u2019 to worry about? Why ain\u2019t you eatin?” Hoss said. “Hop Sing said you ain\u2019t taken more \u2018n two bites since you came back. You\u2019re gettin\u2019 skinnier than Joe, dagblast it. Lookit you! You\u2019re clothes don\u2019t even fit. You…”<\/p>\n Hoss took his arm to feel its thinness and Adam\u2019s canteen fell to the straw. The lid popped off and it began to drain into the floor. Adam dove for it, but Hoss was quicker.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll get you some more water, Adam. Right now, I want you to listen.” Hoss inhaled its scent, then brought the canteen to his lips. He took a sip, then spit it out. Alcohol. His eyes narrowed on his older brother as Adam tore the canteen from his hands.<\/p>\n “You tell me, Adam.” he said sternly, slowly. “You tell me right now, what\u2019s wrong with you.”<\/p>\n “Just stay away from me, Hoss.” Adam put one foot in the stirrup, but Hoss pulled him down.<\/p>\n “You ain\u2019t goin\u2019 nowhere, big brother, fore you tell me what\u2019s into you!”<\/p>\n Adam struggled with him. “Nothing!!!!” he yelled and pushed him. “Just drop it, Hoss!!! Drop it and mind your own business.”<\/p>\n Hoss shook him. “Why\u2019re you drinking, Adam? Tell me why! What happened to you that you gotta drink????”<\/p>\n Adam ground his teeth. “I\u2019m drinking because I happen to be uncomfortable.”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s a LIE!!!” Hoss roared.<\/p>\n “Doc Martin said a sip of whiskey…”<\/p>\n “A sip? You\u2019re drinkin\u2019 mornin\u2019, noon and night! I seen you. Clear up til you go to bed yer takin\u2019 shots. I even seen you put it in your coffee. And I smell it , Adam. I smell it every time you walk by me. You smell like old Charlie Withers, for pete\u2019s sake!”<\/p>\n Adam pulled away and clamored onto Sport. Hoss grabbed his leg to pull him down, but Adam kicked him into the stall. When he stood back up, Adam had his jacket back, his right hand on the gun in his holster. He didn\u2019t draw it, but the look on his face told Hoss he wasn\u2019t playing around. Shocked, Hoss backed away, his mouth agape, his heart racing in his chest. He wasn\u2019t afraid that Adam would shoot him. He was afraid of whatever it was that had done this to his brother. Hoss didn\u2019t know him anymore.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m leaving.” Adam said and let his coat fall back over his pistol.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Hoss was frightened for him. “Please. I didn\u2019t mean to rile you. I just…I\u2019m just worried is all. I can\u2019t stand to see you hurt like this. You\u2019re my brother.”<\/p>\n Adam walked Sport slowly out of the barn and into the purple haze of early morning. He stopped and looked back and for one hopeful second, Hoss thought he was going to speak. Instead, Adam dashed away. Hoss kicked the straw back into Sport\u2019s stall and slammed the door.<\/p>\n “Dagblast him!” he yelled to no one.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s drinking, isn\u2019t he?”<\/p>\n Hoss looked up. His father stood in the doorway. Hoss didn\u2019t know what to tell him. He couldn\u2019t lie, but he knew his father needed no more worries on his shoulders.<\/p>\n “Hoss, is Adam drinking?” Ben walked over.<\/p>\n “What do you mean, Pa?”<\/p>\n “You know what I mean, Hoss.” Ben said firmly. “Liquor, whiskey, alcohol…whatever! I want to know if he\u2019s drinking!”<\/p>\n “This morning, Pa?” Hoss said innocently. “I ain\u2019t seen him drink this mornin\u2019.”<\/p>\n Ben sighed. “Nevermind.” he said. “I already know the answer. He\u2019s got a bottle or a flask with him everywhere he goes.”<\/p>\n “He says his wounds still hurt.” Hoss offered.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s not drinking because of that. You don\u2019t believe that any more than I do.”<\/p>\n Hoss nodded.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s happening to them, Hoss?” Ben asked. ” Lenny told me yesterday the men are fed up with Joe. He\u2019s bullying them, he\u2019s nasty to them. He broke Doug Wenkens\u2019 nose the other day. And Jim Marshall! He told me Joe has Don Greenfield so mad that he\u2019s gunning for him. I don\u2019t know what to do with either of them! I don\u2019t know what to do!”<\/p>\n Hoss shook his head and watched his father sit slowly onto the tack box near the door. He put his face in his hands. “What did this to them?” he asked, his voice full of pain and throttled with emotion. “Tell me what did this to my sons!!!”<\/p>\n “Pa, please.” Hoss kneeled in front of him. “I know things look bad right now, but we\u2019ve been through hard times before. We got through it.”<\/p>\n “Not when they weren\u2019t speaking to me.” Ben said. “You boys have always been able to talk to me. Now neither one of them says two words to me. I have to chase them around to even get a good morning! What have I done to make them avoid me like this?”<\/p>\n “You ain\u2019t done nothin\u2019, Pa, God\u2019s honest truth.” Hoss said. “Maybe we just need to back off. I still got faith in both of \u2018em. I got faith they can work it out.”<\/p>\n “By drinking and fighting???”<\/p>\n “I dunno.” Hoss sighed.<\/p>\n “No.” Ben said. “This has to stop. I\u2019m not just going to stand by and watch them kill themselves.”<\/p>\n Ben stood and walked to the last stall in the barn. Buck\u2019s leg had healed and he needed some exercise. “Where did Adam say he was going?”<\/p>\n “He didn\u2019t,” Hoss said. “But, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s too good an idea to go after him, Pa.”<\/p>\n Ben glared at him. “Good or not good, I\u2019m going.” he said. “He went to town, didn\u2019t he?”<\/p>\n “Probably.”<\/p>\n “Well!” Ben said as he furiously saddled his horse. “We\u2019ll just see what has him so preoccupied. And in the process, I\u2019m going to get to the bottom of this. I\u2019m tired of this sulking around and I\u2019m tired of this secret keeping and I\u2019m tired of them not speaking to me. It will be over and done with TODAY!”<\/p>\n Ben rode in as the sun woke the sleepy town. It was quiet and peaceful and the brisk ride had strengthened his spirits. He had been paralyzed with worry lately. Now, he was finally taking action.<\/p>\n He found Adam\u2019s sorrel tied in front of the general store. Relieved to have spotted him so quickly, Ben tied Buck beside Sport and knocked on the door. The shade was down and the sign read “closed”, but Ben waited for the sounds of footsteps inside. There was no one there. Ben looked around. Where the devil could he be?<\/p>\n He walked to the sheriff\u2019s office, knowing full well that Roy came in before the sun rose. Say what you want about Roy Coffee, the man was at his job morning, noon and night. He wasn\u2019t just a sheriff by word, but also by heart and soul. Ben went in, hoping against hope he\u2019d find Adam there as well.<\/p>\n “Nice to see you, Ben.” Roy said from his pile of paperwork. He took off his glasses and looked up. “You haven\u2019t been to town for a while.”<\/p>\n “No, Roy, I\u2019ve been quite taken up with the ranch.” Ben smiled politely. “I just came in to look for Adam. Has he been to see you?”<\/p>\n Roy stood. “Ben,” he said. “Adam\u2019s over to Kate\u2019s.”<\/p>\n “Kate who?”<\/p>\n “Kate\u2019s Boarding House.”<\/p>\n “The CATHOUSE???”<\/p>\n “Ben, now, calm down.” Roy said. “Adam\u2019s a grown man. He\u2019s got the right.”<\/p>\n “I know that, Roy!” he said. “I just didn\u2019t know he…he visited those places.”<\/p>\n “Well, he gets to town around 5:00 in the morning and he\u2019s gone an hour or so later.” Roy said. “I don\u2019t think he realizes I see him ride in.”<\/p>\n “Every morning?!”<\/p>\n “Well, not every morning, but close to it.”<\/p>\n Ben sat heavily into the chair and sighed.<\/p>\n “There something wrong, Ben?” Roy asked.<\/p>\n “Yes, there\u2019s something wrong, Roy.” he said.<\/p>\n “Anything I can do?”<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t think so.” Ben answered.<\/p>\n Roy stood slowly in his chair and stared out his window. “Speak of the devil, Ben.” he said. “There\u2019s the scoundrel now.”<\/p>\n Ben stood and saw Adam down the street, heading for his horse. He ran outside. “ADAM!!!”<\/p>\n Adam turned, then picked up speed and jumped on his horse. Ben ran after him.<\/p>\n “ADAM!!! WAIT!!!!”<\/p>\n Ben reached him out of breath, dodging the nervous horse hooves. “Adam! Why did you run away from me?”<\/p>\n “I didn\u2019t run away from you.” Adam said, looking down at him.<\/p>\n “You most certainly did! You saw me and you ran across the street!”<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t have time for this, Pa. Is there something you wanted?”<\/p>\n “Could you get down off the horse?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “I really don\u2019t have time to…”<\/p>\n “Get down off the horse, Adam, NOW!!!” Ben ordered.<\/p>\n Ben watched his oldest son\u2019s lip purse in disgust as he stared ahead. For a moment, he thought Adam was going to kick the horse\u2019s flanks and leave him in the dust, but he didn\u2019t. He climbed slowly out of the saddle. Ben sighed in relief.<\/p>\n “What\u2019s the matter?” Adam said dryly.<\/p>\n “We need to have a talk, Adam.” Ben said calmly. “We need to get some things out in the open.”<\/p>\n Adam rolled his eyes. “You followed me to town to have a talk?”<\/p>\n “Adam. I didn\u2019t follow you to town.”<\/p>\n “You didn\u2019t? Then why did you come?”<\/p>\n “I came to…. all right. I did come to see if I could find you, but I didn\u2019t follow you.” Ben said. “I just think this has gone on long enough. It\u2019s time for us to talk.”<\/p>\n “What\u2019s gone on long enough?”<\/p>\n “This behavior of yours, of Joe\u2019s…”<\/p>\n “Pa,” Adam said. “I\u2019m fine. I wish you and Hoss would just leave me alone. It\u2019s getting tiring.”<\/p>\n “Tiring?” Ben said. “I\u2019ll tell you what\u2019s tiring. What\u2019s tiring is having a meal and you two not showing up. What\u2019s tiring is your constant snapping and sarcasm. What\u2019s tiring is your brother picking a fight with anyone who looks at him sideways. And what\u2019s tiring is you turning to a bottle of alcohol every second of the day! THAT\u2019s what\u2019s tiring!!! And now I find out your visiting a cathouse??? What\u2019s into you, boy?”<\/p>\n “Y\u2019know, Pa. I am 32 years old. I think I can decide what I do, what I drink and how I act.” Adam said. “It\u2019s none of your damn business.”<\/p>\n “YOU are my damn business!!! I\u2019m not going to sit by and watch you turn yourself into the town drunk!” Ben yelled. “You are a sulky, nasty, and hurtful person lately, Adam, and it\u2019s all because of your INSISTANCE on keeping your mouth glued to a liquor bottle!”<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s dark eyes winced in pain and Ben drew back, suddenly very sorry.<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t have to tell me what I am, Pa.” Adam said. “I already know.”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben fumbled, grabbing his arm. “I didn\u2019t say that\u2019s what you were. I said that\u2019s what that alcohol is turning you into. Heaven knows, I think you are one of the kindest, most decent men I…”<\/p>\n “Pa, stop. Ok?” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Roy called from down the street. He headed towards them, papers in his hands. Adam climbed back atop his horse.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Roy said as he approached. “There was a couple of men bushwhacked up near Placerville yesterday. Four men did it, sounds like something similar to you and Joe.”<\/p>\n “No.” Adam said. “They were heading to Mexico.”<\/p>\n “Well, take a look at these pictures and see if one of \u2018em at least don\u2019t spark a memory somewhere.” Roy waved the papers up to him.<\/p>\n “I never saw their faces, Roy, so why bother to look at them?”<\/p>\n “Well, what\u2019s it gonna hurt?” the sheriff continued. “Just take a look. Billy West, Troy Nickerson, Joshua Humphry and Stuart Pauly….them\u2019s their names. You hear any of those names that night?”<\/p>\n Ben watched Adam as Roy read. His son was growing uncomfortable in his saddle and his face was growing pale.<\/p>\n “Son?” he said gently. “Are you all right?”<\/p>\n “They never said any names, Roy.” Adam said, his eyes on the road before him. “I have to go.”<\/p>\n “They never said any names at all, yet they spoke about Mexico?”<\/p>\n “No, they didn\u2019t and yes, they did.” Adam said. He shifted his hat.<\/p>\n “Well, they\u2019re on these boys\u2019 tails anyway. They think they\u2019re holed up just outside Silver City Junction.” Roy said. “Only problem is, sheriff up there doesn\u2019t think there\u2019s enough evidence to win a trial even if they catch \u2018em.”<\/p>\n “What about the men they bushwhacked?” Ben asked. “Can\u2019t they testify?”<\/p>\n “This time, their targets weren\u2019t so lucky. They\u2019re both dead, beaten senseless. Seems one lasted just long enough to say there was four of \u2018em.” Roy said. “That\u2019s why I thought they could be the same men that attacked you and Joe.”<\/p>\n “How does anyone know who these men are if the men they robbed are dead?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “Little Shoshone woman they bought from some traders up in the mountains.” Roy said. “She claims these boys have done this type of thing before. The boot of it is, the Placerville sheriff don\u2019t think her testimony will hold up in court against these men seein\u2019 how its her word against theirs right now. ”<\/p>\n Ben looked up to his son just as he kicked his horse into a run.<\/p>\n “ADAM!!!” he called, but Adam tore up the street.<\/p>\n “Quite a coincidence, Ben, that there were four of \u2018em.” Roy said. “And that there were four men who robbed your boys.”<\/p>\n “What are you trying to say, Roy?”<\/p>\n “Nothin\u2019 Ben. I just think it\u2019s awful funny Adam wouldn\u2019t even look at their pictures.”<\/p>\n “Well, I\u2019m sure if Adam thought he could help, he would.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019d like to think so, too, but that boy just doesn\u2019t seem himself lately.” Roy said.<\/p>\n Ben sighed and shook his head. “He\u2019s been preoccupied, that\u2019s for sure.”<\/p>\n “Well, at least he don\u2019t have half the county mad like your youngest does.” Roy said. “I swear, Ben, that boy is gonna get himself killed if he don\u2019t stop. Just last night, I broke up a fight between him and Bill Clemens! Those boys are friends, Ben! I ain\u2019t never seen Joe so angry. I think if I hadn\u2019t shown up, Joe\u2019d a killed him then and there.”<\/p>\n “Joe did this?” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Joe did this.” Roy nodded. “Ben, it was as if I didn\u2019t even know him. He was like a wild animal.”<\/p>\n Ben brought his hands to his face, feeling like the whole world was collapsing around him. Both of them. He was losing both of them.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sorry to worry you, Ben, but you\u2019re his father.” Roy said. “I suppose you have the right to know.”<\/p>\n “Thank you, Roy.” he said, walking blindly away, eyes filling with tears.<\/p>\n Ben stopped by the Clemen\u2019s house to check on Bill and offer compensation for his son\u2019s actions. Even Bill couldn\u2019t believe what happened. He refused any money and told Ben he was sorry about Little Joe. Ben rode home and retreated to his desk, hoping he would have no more visitors that day. He wanted no more bad news than he already had.<\/p>\n The afternoon hours ticked slowly away and the gnawing began to grow in Ben\u2019s stomach. He hadn\u2019t seen any of his sons since Adam left him that morning. They hadn\u2019t even come home for lunch. He began to pace the floor and watch the clock. When Hoss and Joe finally came through the door, Ben\u2019s relief was far from complete.<\/p>\n “Where\u2019s your brother?” Ben asked. “And why are you two late for dinner?”<\/p>\n “I ain\u2019t seen Adam since he left, Pa.” Hoss said. “He was supposed to meet us down at the corral at noon, but he never did. And we\u2019re late \u2018cuz we had a little mishap at the mill. Nothin\u2019 to worry about though.”<\/p>\n Ben noticed Joe re-buckling his gun belt and reaching for the coat he had just hung by the door.<\/p>\n “And where do you think you\u2019re going?”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m going to find Adam.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Oh no you\u2019re not.” Ben said. “You turn around and sit at that table this instant.”<\/p>\n “What if he\u2019s in trouble?” Joe asked, straightening his hat.<\/p>\n “Adam is not in trouble. He\u2019s mad at me, so he\u2019s blowing off steam somewhere.” Ben said. “Now take off your coat and sit down! You and I have some talking to do, too.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll just go in to town to check….” Joe began.<\/p>\n “YOU aren\u2019t going anywhere until you prove to me you can keep that temper of yours in check!” Ben said. “I heard about Bill Clemens last night!”<\/p>\n Joe pursed his lips and took off his hat.<\/p>\n “That behavior is totally unacceptable.” Ben said. “I won\u2019t stand for you OR your brothers, behaving that way and I don\u2019t care how old you are! I am still your father and you are still living under MY roof. Now SIT! We\u2019re going to have a nice dinner if it kills me. And I am going to get to the bottom of all this here and NOW.”<\/p>\n Hoss and Joe both walked meekly to the table and sat.<\/p>\n “First thing\u2019s first.” Ben said. “Joseph. I want you to tell me what happened the night you boys were robbed – and tell the whole story, not just part of it.”<\/p>\n Joe shrugged, eyes not leaving his plate. “We were robbed.”<\/p>\n “I know you were robbed,” Ben said. “But something else must\u2019ve happened to you boys. You changed overnight.”<\/p>\n “We got beat up.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Joe, I\u2019m not playing a game here.” Ben said. “I want to know what happened! Now tell me!”<\/p>\n Joe sat still and silent.<\/p>\n “Dagblastit, Joe!” Hoss said. “We just wanna help you.”<\/p>\n Joe put his head to the table.<\/p>\n “Joseph,” Ben said. “Adam. He\u2019s wasting away in front of my eyes. He\u2019s not eating. He\u2019s not talking. He\u2019s living off a whiskey bottle. You know! You\u2019ve seen him. Tell me. If not for yourself, tell me for him. Let me help him, Joe. Please. ”<\/p>\n Joe sat back up with tears rolling down his cheeks. “I can\u2019t, Pa.” he said.<\/p>\n “Joe,” Ben said frantically, grabbing his hand. “Why? Why can\u2019t you tell me?”<\/p>\n “I just can\u2019t.” he said and stood. He hung his head as he walked to the stairs.<\/p>\n “Joseph,” Ben stood. “I\u2019m not through talking with you.”<\/p>\n “You have to be, Pa,” he said sadly. “Cuz I\u2019m not talking anymore.”<\/p>\n “Joe, please!” Ben called, watching helplessly as his son left his sight.<\/p>\n “What do you think happened to them, Pa?” Hoss said. “What could be so terrible?”<\/p>\n Ben didn\u2019t answer him. He wept in his hands.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n VI<\/p>\n Ben awoke with a start. He had dreamt of his boys. They were laughing and happy, cavorting around the lake like they had the day he had watched them from the hillside last summer. Hoss and Adam threw Joe\u2019s hat between them, racing in and out of the water like children as their brother chased after them. In the dream, however, when Ben trotted to the shore, he couldn\u2019t find them. Adam didn\u2019t smile “Hi, Pa.” Joe didn\u2019t splash him with water. Hoss didn\u2019t try to pull him off his horse for a swim. This time, a man in a black buggy rode up the shoreline, yelling “Don\u2019t look in the lake! Don\u2019t look in the lake!” Ben shouldn\u2019t have looked. His sons lay motionless on the surface of the still black water. They had drown in front of him and Ben had done nothing to save them.<\/p>\n Ben wiped the sweat from his forehead and neck. It was nearly freezing outside, but the terror in his heart made him hot and nauseous. He had been waiting for Adam and fell asleep in his chair by the fire. Now it was 7 o\u2019clock in the morning. His neck was stiff, his head ached and his oldest son still hadn\u2019t come home.<\/p>\n Joe had come down in the middle of the night and had fallen asleep on the couch beside his father. Ben reached over and gently brushed his face with his strong hand. Part of Ben wished they were children again – Adam, Hoss, Joe. He always knew what to do when they were little. A kiss or some soothing words would stop their tears. A ride to town or a bedtime story could ease a broken heart. Those things didn\u2019t work anymore. Those things were never done anymore. He couldn\u2019t even remember the last time he\u2019d told them he loved them.<\/p>\n And when they were little, he always knew where they were. There was none of this waiting all night for their return or getting up early just to catch a glimpse of them. If he could just keep all of them here beside him, just like Joe was now, things would be all right. Ben laughed at himself. They were grown men, for heaven\u2019s sake – grown men capable of making their own decisions and as Adam had reminded him, capable of choosing their own course in life. How could he expect them to cater to his wishes all the time? Perhaps these recent problems were due to his inability to let them go. Perhaps it was his high expectations that made Adam and Joe feel so guilty for losing that money. He\u2019d always tried to teach them the value of a dollar. Maybe he went overboard. Maybe he went overboard on everything. Maybe he shouldn\u2019t have driven them so hard all these years. Maybe he should have been more patient, more loving, more understanding. Perhaps then, Adam and Joe would see fit to come to him instead of withdrawing into their own private hell.<\/p>\n Hoss trudged down the stairs, bleary-eyed, his hair in all different directions. Ben smiled up at him, grateful at least one of his sons had stayed home on that trip. What would he do if Hoss was going through this, too?<\/p>\n “Adam ain\u2019t come home, Pa?” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “No,” Ben sighed. “But he\u2019s stayed out all night before, so I\u2019m not going to get too worried over it.”<\/p>\n “Well, I\u2019m gonna go look for him.” Hoss said. “Soon\u2019s I get somethin\u2019 to eat, I\u2019ll head out.”<\/p>\n “What good will it do?” Joe asked from the couch. “He doesn\u2019t want to be here anymore.”<\/p>\n “What makes you say that, Joe?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n Ben stood. “Did he tell you that?”<\/p>\n “He didn\u2019t have to.” Joe said softly. “I just know my brother.”<\/p>\n They heard the rumble of a horse and wagon come into the yard. All three men went to the door without hesitation. A young woman stood before them, bundled in a long wool coat and hat, nervously staring back at them.<\/p>\n “Joe. Hoss,” she smiled at them, then turned to Ben. “And you must be Mr. Cartwright.”<\/p>\n Ben stared at her in question. “Why yes, I am.”<\/p>\n “Pauline.” Joe nodded.<\/p>\n “Pa, this is Pauline,” Hoss said. “She works at the Silver Dollar a few nights a week.”<\/p>\n “And at the boarding house, Mr. Cartwright.” she added.<\/p>\n Ben felt a false smile freeze on his lips. He hoped he was showing no less to her than he would a neighbor\u2019s daughter. “Well, please come in, my dear. You must be freezing.”<\/p>\n “I can\u2019t.” she said and looked anxiously back at her buggy. “Adam.”<\/p>\n Ben stepped out on the porch and saw his oldest son floundering out of the carriage. He lost his footing and fell to the ground. Terrified he\u2019d been hurt again, Ben raced out the door.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Hoss and Joe ran out after him.<\/p>\n Once he got to him, Ben lifted Adam by his arm and knew immediately Adam was drunk. Although his son\u2019s recent drinking was no secret to him, Ben had never seen him like this – staggering, muttering, eyes half shut and lips jutted out as if he were sleeping. It shocked him. For an moment, Ben\u2019s mind traveled back to Boston with memories of another man he had watched turn to alcohol for solace – Adam\u2019s grandfather. He shuddered with the thought.<\/p>\n “You!” Adam pointed at him as he stumbled. ” Don\u2019t you start yelling at me.”<\/p>\n Ben glared at his son, but held his tongue.<\/p>\n “And there\u2019s my brother, Hoss!” Adam went on, leaning back against the carriage. “He\u2019s a big guy, isn\u2019t he, Pauline? He\u2019s a tough one, he is!”<\/p>\n “He sure is, Adam.” Pauline said sadly.<\/p>\n “Hoss. Get him into the house.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Sure thing.” Hoss said. “C\u2019mon Adam.”<\/p>\n In one fell swoop, Hoss tossed Adam over his shoulder and headed for the front door. Ben could hear Adam protest, but he couldn\u2019t watch him go in.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m sorry, Mr. Cartwright,” the young girl said. “I…I just didn\u2019t know what to do.”<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t be sorry, Miss.” he said. “I\u2019m the one who\u2019s sorry you had to deal with him like this. Thank you for bringing him all the way out here.”<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t mind.” she smiled at him.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll get one of the hands to see you back to town.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019d appreciate that, Joe.” she said.<\/p>\n “Get a coat and some shoes on before you do anything, Joseph.” Ben said. He took Pauline\u2019s arm and tried to follow Joe into the house. “Please come in, Pauline, before you catch your death.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m warm and snug in this, Mr. Cartwright.” she wrapped her coat around her waist. “I\u2019d like to speak to you alone, if I may.”<\/p>\n Ben nodded solemnly, worried about whatever she was going to tell him. He was struck by her, such a pretty girl, polite and graceful, seemingly with a heart of gold. Ben had a hard time believing she did what she did for a living, had a hard time believing that his son was actually paying this girl to abuse herself.<\/p>\n “Adam.” she began, flustered. “Adam is a friend of mine. He\u2019s a good man, Mr. Cartwright. And I don\u2019t want to seem like I\u2019m tattling, but I really care about him. I\u2019m afraid for him and I don\u2019t know what to do.”<\/p>\n “Afraid for him?”<\/p>\n “He came to me at Kate\u2019s a couple of weeks ago and wanted some…some spirits. He told me it was because he hurt so bad after the robbery. And maybe that is how it started, but…” she stopped and looked towards the house.<\/p>\n Ben paused and looked with her. The house was silent. Hopefully, that meant Adam had gone to bed. Ben wasn\u2019t looking forward to seeing him in that state again. He turned back to Pauline.<\/p>\n “Go on.” he said gently.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s coming more and more often, Mr. Cartwright.” she said. “He\u2019s drinking a lot.”<\/p>\n Hoss walked past them towards the bunkhouse. He nodded politely.<\/p>\n “Where\u2019s Joe?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “He\u2019s in with Adam.”<\/p>\n Ben waited until Hoss was out of sight before returning to his conversation.<\/p>\n “So he\u2019s been coming to you for whiskey?”<\/p>\n Pauline nodded. “I think he\u2019s ashamed to go anywhere else. He doesn\u2019t want people to know. That\u2019s why he comes so early in the morning.” she said. “And the reason I\u2019m telling you this isn\u2019t because he\u2019s a problem. He\u2019s not. In fact, he probably has the best manners of any man who\u2019s ever set foot in that place. But this morning he came around 4:00. I knew he\u2019d been drinking and I knew he was hurting, but I didn\u2019t realize…”<\/p>\n The young woman closed her eyes and bowed her head.<\/p>\n “Didn\u2019t realize what?”<\/p>\n “Maybe he didn\u2019t know what he was saying. A lot of men don\u2019t even remember what they say.”<\/p>\n “What did he say to you?” Ben prodded.<\/p>\n “He told me…he told me he wanted to die.” she said, sadly. “That\u2019s when I knew the whiskey wasn\u2019t for his broken ribs anymore.”<\/p>\n Ben stood frozen. He\u2019d heard his sons say a lot of things, mean things, stupid things, rude things, but he\u2019d never heard them say they didn\u2019t want to live. He gasped.<\/p>\n “A lot of men say stuff like that, Mr. Cartwright.” she said. “They don\u2019t mean it. But, hearing Adam say it scared me. He\u2019s too serious, too honest a man. I can\u2019t bear the thought of him feeling that way.”<\/p>\n “Neither can I.” Ben said softly. He stared at his front door, biting his lip. Dear God, Adam.<\/p>\n “I want him to feel better, that\u2019s all.” she said. She stared up into Ben\u2019s face with bright blue eyes. Ben could see tears in them. “I\u2019ve grown pretty fond of him.”<\/p>\n Ben exhaled. “I thank you for telling me and I thank you for bringing him home.” he smiled as best he could. “And I understand why Adam came to you. You\u2019re a lovely young woman. I haven\u2019t been the most understanding of fathers, lately.”<\/p>\n She took his hand and put her gloved one gently over it. “Adam isn\u2019t like this, Mr. Cartwright,” she said. “He\u2019s going to work out whatever\u2019s troubling him and be back to normal before you know it. The only problem then will be that I won\u2019t see him anymore and I\u2019ll miss him.”<\/p>\n Ben squeezed her hand as Hoss and Lenny joined them.<\/p>\n “Lenny\u2019ll take you in, Pauline.” Hoss said and helped her back into the buggy. Lenny hitched his horse to the back and climbed in beside her.<\/p>\n They watched the wagon turn around and as it left the yard, Ben yelled, “Wait!!!”<\/p>\n He ran to Pauline\u2019s side. “Pauline. How can I repay you?”<\/p>\n She leaned down and kissed his cheek. “Just get him better, Mr. Cartwright.”<\/p>\n Hoss walked over to him as the wagon disappeared. “What\u2019d she say, Pa?”<\/p>\n Ben shook his head, his insides churning with fear and worry. “Adam\u2019s hurting more than we know, Hoss.” he said.<\/p>\n “What\u2019d Pauline tell you, Pa?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n Ben looked into his face. His clear blue eyes brimmed with worry and sadness.<\/p>\n “Just that he\u2019s hurting, son.” Ben said. Hoss didn\u2019t need his heart torn apart like his had been.<\/p>\n The house was quiet when they returned. Adam sat in his chair, slumped forward, his elbows on his knees, his forehead resting on his palms. He swayed slightly as he rested and once, his hands slipped, sending his chin into his chest. He looked up for a moment, then leaned back and collapsed against the back of the chair, his eyes closed.<\/p>\n Joe watched him from the settee, his young face twisted in grief. He looked at his father and brother as they came in, but no words came from his mouth. Ben walked to Adam and put his hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n “Son.” he said. “I think you need to go upstairs and sleep this off.”<\/p>\n Adam opened one eye. “I\u2019m not sleepin\u2019 it off, Pa.” he said. “I\u2019m leavin\u2019.”<\/p>\n “Leaving?” Ben said.<\/p>\n Adam nodded. “Soon\u2019s I get up.”<\/p>\n “I told you he didn\u2019t want to be here anymore.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Joe, he doesn\u2019t even know what he\u2019s saying right now, for heaven\u2019s sake.” Ben said. “He\u2019s…”<\/p>\n “I know what I\u2019m saying!” Adam said, pushing himself to an unsteady stand. He moved to the wall for support. “And I\u2019m saying I\u2019m leaving!”<\/p>\n “How are you going to leave when you can\u2019t even stand up?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “I can stand up fine.” Adam said and stood straight. He crossed his arms and lazily fell backwards into the hearth. It took him a second to regain his footing. “I just don\u2019t want to right yet…”<\/p>\n “Take him to bed, Hoss.” Ben said, quietly. “I can\u2019t bear to look at him like this.”<\/p>\n “Look at him!” Adam laughed slightly. “Look at you, Pa! The great Ben Cartwright! With a nasty drunk for a son! A rude one, too. Rude and nasty. And what else did you say I was, Pa?”<\/p>\n “C\u2019mon, Adam.” Hoss took his arm. “We gotta get you upstairs.”<\/p>\n Adam ignored him. “Not what you thought I\u2019d be, am I, Pa? You proud of me now? Or maybe you\u2019re wishing I never came back.”<\/p>\n “Stop it, Adam!” Hoss yelled. “You stop it right now, you hear me?”<\/p>\n “No!” Adam said, pulling from him. He fell towards the floor, but caught himself before he did. “He wants me to talk so I\u2019m talking! You want me to talk, don\u2019t you, Pa?”<\/p>\n In a fit of sorrow and anger, Ben went for the cabinet in the dining room. He tore it open and gathered all the bottles inside it, then took his huge armload towards the front door. All three boys stood still as they watched him leave the house, bottles dropping and spilling as he went. He kicked one, sending it crashing into the door frame.<\/p>\n Ben marched outside and shoved the cover of the trash barrel aside. He threw the bottles in, smashing them all – the brandy, the whiskey, the fine carafes, the scotch from New York. He picked up the big pieces and smashed them again and again until all that was left was slivers of bright glass. He stopped to catch his breath, shaking with helplessness and frustration. He had ignored this too long and now it had gone too far. He wanted to cry, felt it bubble to his lips like a sneeze, but he gasped and caught his breath instead, then turned back to the house.<\/p>\n “You had no right to do that.” Adam said upon his return, still slouching and wavering, but trying to stand straight and tough. “Some of those were mine.”<\/p>\n “Look at yourself, Adam.” Ben said, fighting tears. “Is this what you want for your life?”<\/p>\n “Well, it\u2019s MY life, Pa! Not yours! Ok?” Adam said.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s NOT your life anymore, Adam, can\u2019t you see that?” Ben yelled. “You\u2019re losing your life to the bottle! This isn\u2019t you! This is not my son!!!”<\/p>\n Adam huffed one solitary laugh, then frowned miserably. For a moment, he drifted off, deep in thought. “You guessed it, Pa.” he said sadly. “I don\u2019t wanna be your son anymore.”<\/p>\n Adam would have done less damage if he\u2019d punched Ben in the face. Ben drew back from him as if he had.<\/p>\n “Pa, he don\u2019t mean it.” Hoss apologized for his brother. “You know he don\u2019t.”<\/p>\n Adam stumbled to the staircase, oblivious to the stunned grief on his father\u2019s and brothers\u2019 faces. “I quit.” he said, then climbed the stairs slowly, unsteadily. “I quit all of it! I\u2019m too tired. Too damn tired.”<\/p>\n Ben heard him fall upstairs, but didn\u2019t move to help him.<\/p>\n “Pa.” Hoss choked and stepped forward, looking at the ceiling.<\/p>\n “Leave him be.” Ben said, then jumped in nervousness as Adam\u2019s door slammed loudly above him.<\/p>\n Ben stood in silence with his two remaining sons. Both of them looked pale and sad, but neither of their faces could do justice to the pain that now coursed through Ben\u2019s veins. He was losing not only his son, but his partner and his friend.<\/p>\n “He drinks because of me.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “What\u2019re you talkin\u2019 about?” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “It\u2019s my fault.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “Of course it\u2019s not your fault.” Ben said, still fighting his trembling. “Adam is the one who decided he needs this crutch, not you.”<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t understand.” Joe said. “He can\u2019t stand to look at me. It makes him remember too much.”<\/p>\n “Remember what?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “Joe.” Hoss walked over to him. “What happened?”<\/p>\n “He thinks if you knew, it\u2019d hurt you more.” Joe answered, his voice barely above a whisper.<\/p>\n Ben ran his hands threw his hair. “Knew what, Joe? What could possibly hurt me more than what I\u2019ve heard tonight?”<\/p>\n Joe closed his eyes and shook his head. “He has to tell you Pa. And right now, I have to go.”<\/p>\n “Go? Go where?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t know yet.” Joe said.<\/p>\n “You ain\u2019t goin\u2019 nowhere, Little Joe.” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m going to do what I should\u2019ve done a long time ago.” Joe said. “And neither one of you are going to stop me, so don\u2019t even try.”<\/p>\n Ben watched, for the second time that morning, as one of his sons left him in anguish at the bottom of the stairs.<\/p>\n “He ain\u2019t gonna tell me I can\u2019t stop him cuz I\u2019ll….” Hoss said, clamoring angrily after him.<\/p>\n “Hoss!” Ben ran up the stairs and stopped him.<\/p>\n “But, Pa…”<\/p>\n “Go out and get his horse ready.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “What?!”<\/p>\n “Go out and get his horse ready.” Ben repeated. He smiled gently at Hoss, then followed after his youngest son. Joe\u2019s door was open and Ben could see him furiously packing an overnight bag.<\/p>\n “Pa.” he said without looking up. “There\u2019s nothing you can say that\u2019s gonna keep me from going.”<\/p>\n “Are you going after those men?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n Joe took a shirt from his bureau, rolled it and put it in his bag. “I\u2019ll be back in a few days. Maybe a week.”<\/p>\n “Well, this day keeps getting better all the time.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Listen, Pa.” Joe walked to him. “I promise you, when I get back, everything is gonna be all right.”<\/p>\n “Do you think killing those men is going to cure anything, Joe?”<\/p>\n “Pa. You talk about trust all the time.” Joe said. “I know I probably don\u2019t deserve it lately, but trust me on this. They aren\u2019t who I\u2019m looking for.”<\/p>\n “Then who?”<\/p>\n Joe picked up his bag, then looked his father, his green eyes filled with sincerity. “I won\u2019t let you down, Pa.”<\/p>\n Ben sighed and sat on Joe\u2019s bed. On it, Marie\u2019s quilt still lay, faded yet unscathed by rips or stains. Ben ran his hand across its softness. “Joseph.” he said. “Sit down.”<\/p>\n Joe hesitated, but joined his father on the bed. Ben smiled.<\/p>\n “You know, your mother had a habit of carrying things inside her; burdens she didn\u2019t want to trouble me with, secrets she thought might hurt me.” he told his son. “I used to have to fight at times to get her to share things with me.”<\/p>\n “Pa, I…”<\/p>\n “You\u2019re a lot like your mother, Joe.”<\/p>\n “Pa, please.” Joe said. “I can\u2019t tell you anything right now, just trust me.”<\/p>\n “Joe.” Ben said and took his hand. “I\u2019m trying to tell you that I believe in you.”<\/p>\n Joe looked at him. “Even after everything I\u2019ve done?”<\/p>\n “What you\u2019ve done doesn\u2019t change who I know you are.” Ben said.<\/p>\n Joe smiled and his eyes lit up. It was the first genuine smile Ben had seen on the boy\u2019s face in a long time.<\/p>\n “Thank you, Pa.”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s not saying I\u2019m not going to worry.” Ben said. “I\u2019d feel much better if you took Hoss with you.”<\/p>\n Joe shook his head.<\/p>\n “So you\u2019re going to really make me worry, huh?”<\/p>\n Joe nodded and got up to leave. “Bye, Pa.”<\/p>\n “Goodbye, Joe.” Ben said.<\/p>\n Joe left the room and Ben could hear his footsteps go down the stairs and out the front door. He wished he could forbid him to go. That would keep him safe. But Joe was 20 years old now and it was time to stop talking of trust and time to actually do it. He believed in Joe. Maybe the boy really could turn things around again. He prayed for his safe return, then panicked. Ben got up and ran through the house, praying he\u2019d catch Joe before he left.<\/p>\n “Joe?!” he yelled. There was no sign of his horse. “JOE!?”<\/p>\n Joe came from the barn, leading his pinto. “Yeah, Pa?”<\/p>\n Ben exhaled in relief. ” I forgot to tell you,” he said. “Have a safe trip.”<\/p>\n Joe smiled at him and left him with a wave.<\/p>\n Ben stood out in the cold, very anxious and very frightened. He could only hope he was doing the right thing.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n VII<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam opened his eyes and rolled over to look out the window. The sky was filled with huge, gray, fair-weather clouds – the kind of clouds that brought a crisp, clean day with brown and red leaves clattering at your feet and the smell of pumpkin pie enticing you to the kitchen. Adam loved this type of day. Too bad he felt too horrible to enjoy it.<\/p>\n As if his headache and dry mouth weren\u2019t punishment enough, Adam also had to contend with what he\u2019d said and done the night before. He remembered most of the night and couldn\u2019t believe he allowed himself to be seen in that condition. Was it worth it? Was the alcohol covering up the pain or was it just adding layer after layer of things to be ashamed of?<\/p>\n He got slowly out of his bed. Joe would be the first one he\u2019d speak with. He knew Joe blamed himself for his condition and it was wrong of him to let Joe feel that way any longer. Joe was the innocent in all this – a young man in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had nothing to feel guilty over. Adam wished he could say the same for himself.<\/p>\n His father sat at the table as he came down the stairs. He didn\u2019t look up at him, so Adam made a beeline for the door as quietly as possible. Adam couldn\u2019t remember everything he\u2019d said to him the night before and he wasn\u2019t sure if he wanted to know or not. Right now, he had to find Joe.<\/p>\n “Adam.” his father said from behind him.<\/p>\n “Hi, Pa.” Adam said with wide eyes. “You don\u2019t know where Joe is, do you?”<\/p>\n “He\u2019s not here.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Where\u2019d he go?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n Ben exhaled. “I don\u2019t know.” he said. “He said he\u2019d be gone for a few days, maybe a week.”<\/p>\n “What?! And you don\u2019t know where he went??” Adam asked, suddenly terrified, suddenly sick.<\/p>\n “He told me to trust him, Adam and I did.” Ben said. “What else was there for me to do?”<\/p>\n “Well, you could\u2019ve stopped him!” Adam furiously buckled his gun belt. “You just let him go by himself?!?”<\/p>\n “I\u2019ve let him go by himself before!” Ben said.<\/p>\n Adam put on his hat and coat. He had to go find his brother. They couldn\u2019t hurt him again.<\/p>\n ” I\u2019m leaving.” he said.<\/p>\n “I want to have a talk with you before you do anything.”<\/p>\n “There\u2019s no time for that, don\u2019t you understand???” Adam snapped.<\/p>\n Ben took his shoulders. “Calm down, Adam. Joe told me…”<\/p>\n Adam knocked his father\u2019s hands from him. “They\u2019ll kill him, Pa!! And you just let him go just like that!”<\/p>\n Adam ran out of the house, ignoring the protests of his father. Ben ran after him and grabbed his arm. “You wait just a minute, Adam!” he yelled.<\/p>\n Adam stopped short as Roy Coffee pulled into the yard.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Roy yelled upon seeing him.<\/p>\n “I have to go, Roy.” Adam pulled from his father and stomped towards the barn.<\/p>\n “Not until you hear what I have to say.” Roy slid from his horse and stepped in front of him.<\/p>\n Adam stopped reluctantly. “What is it that\u2019s so important?”<\/p>\n “Those men I told you about?” Roy asked. “They\u2019ve been caught. Two of them anyway. The other two were killed trying to get away.”<\/p>\n Adam swallowed and closed his eyes. If that was true, and if those were the men, then Joe was safe. He exhaled.<\/p>\n “Now I know you said these men weren\u2019t the same as attacked you and Joe.” Roy said. “And I know you said you don\u2019t know anything about them.”<\/p>\n “And?” Adam asked.<\/p>\n “Look at these posters, Adam.” Roy pulled them from his vest. Adam glanced at the top one. He saw “WANTED”, but he couldn\u2019t bring himself to actually look at the picture. “If they don\u2019t get another witness in this case, the other two are gonna get off scott free.”<\/p>\n Adam took a deep breath and looked over at his father who had joined them.<\/p>\n “Go on, son, look at the pictures.” Ben said. “You may remember if you see one of them.”<\/p>\n Adam looked away. A coward.<\/p>\n “Adam.” Roy went on. “The prosecutor told the sheriff if there\u2019s no more evidence, then there\u2019s no way a jury\u2019s gonna convict \u2018em. Nobody\u2019s gonna take the word of an Indian woman against white men \u2013 \u2018specially since one of \u2018em\u2019s the son of a preacher. And they left no other evidence. Now if these are the men that attacked you and you testify to that, these two that are left will be put away for life.”<\/p>\n Adam drew in his breath and held out his hand for the pictures. Roy placed them in his open hand. When Adam looked upon the black and white pages, he could hear their voices.<\/p>\n “<\/i>“Well, lookie here! We got ourselves a couple a Cartwrights! Bet old Ben won\u2019t be so high and mighty after we get done with his boys, will he?”<\/i><\/p>\n “You think yer better \u2018n everybody, don\u2019t you, Cartwright? Ya filthy injun lover. I oughtta tie you to my horse and drag you clear to Californey.”<\/p>\n “Too good for him, Troy. We gotta make him suffer first. Knock my teeth out, will you? I say we kill the little one real slow in front of the son of a bitch.”<\/p>\n “Hey, Billy, let\u2019s bring \u2018em back to the cabin! Make \u2018em wish they weren\u2019t never born.”<\/p>\n “Yeah! We can give \u2018em a little goin\u2019 away party!”<\/p>\n “We\u2019ll see if he loves injuns as much as his little brother….”<\/p>\n <\/i>Adam stumbled backwards and shook his head. He couldn\u2019t think, couldn\u2019t breathe.<\/p>\n “Adam.” his father had his shoulders. “What\u2019s wrong?”<\/p>\n “Tell them I\u2019ll testify.” Adam said and threw the pages to the ground. He looked at their faces one last time before retreating to the barn. He knew he had a couple of bottles in there somewhere and he couldn\u2019t wait for their comfort any longer.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Ben watched his son close the door to the barn without another word.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ve gotta talk to that boy, Ben.” Roy walked after him. “I have to know more about what he remembers.”<\/p>\n “No!” Ben pulled him back, though his eyes never left the barn. “He\u2019s done enough for today.”<\/p>\n “But Ben…”<\/p>\n “No, Roy!” Ben said. “He\u2019ll talk when he\u2019s ready.”<\/p>\n “Well, he better be ready before Friday.” Roy said. He turned back to his horse, then stopped and turned back to Ben. He patted Ben\u2019s shoulder in compassion. “You tell him, Ben.. I don\u2019t know what he\u2019s been through so I don\u2019t hold nothing against him.”<\/p>\n Ben nodded, aching for his oldest son. He wanted desperately to go inside that barn and beg Adam to talk, but he didn\u2019t. Ben went to the porch and sat. He stared at the barn door knowing full well whatever happened to his boys had been severe, whatever they had lived through had nearly destroyed them. Ben shuddered at the thoughts racing through his mind and found himself making a tight fist, wishing he could drive it into the faces of the monsters who hurt them.<\/p>\n Ben sat in the coolness of the afternoon, the only sounds the squirrels scolding each other in the trees above him. He waited for what seemed like hours for Adam to come out, but there was no sign of any life within the barn – no sign until he heard a loud crash inside. Ben stood up. Another crash. It sounded like windows breaking. He walked towards the noise, towards his son….<\/p>\n “NO MORE!!!” he heard Adam yell, then the smashing of glass again.<\/p>\n Ben quickened his pace and ran.<\/p>\n When he reached the inside, Ben could see a huge wet splotch on the far wall of the barn. Broken glass scattered beneath it. The necks of two or three broken bottles lay on the dirt floor. What would have enraged Ben before, now brought a lump to his throat. Adam sat on the ground and rocked himself slightly – so slightly no one else but Ben would have noticed. Ben hadn\u2019t seen him do that since he was five.<\/p>\n “Oh, Adam.” Ben ran to him and knelt before him. He took his son\u2019s cold hands in his. “Adam. Son. Please talk to me. Please tell me.”<\/p>\n Adam maneuvered himself away from his father and shook his head. “Adam, I beg you. Talk to me! Tell me what has caused you this pain!”<\/p>\n Adam stood. “I can\u2019t, Pa! Don\u2019t you understand?!?!”<\/p>\n “No, I don\u2019t!!!” Ben cried, standing to face his son. “You ask me to understand yet you refuse to tell me what has done this to you!”<\/p>\n Adam tried to move away, but Ben grabbed his shoulders to keep his attention.<\/p>\n “Adam, look at me.” Ben said, shaking him. Adam\u2019s head hung low, his eyes half closed in misery. “LOOK AT ME!!!”<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s dark eyes slowly rose to view his father. In them, Ben could see the shame, the guilt, the sorrow his son had tried to hide for so long. He tried to hug him and bring him close, but Adam pushed him back.<\/p>\n “Please, Adam!” Ben could feel his throat filling with tears. “I\u2019m your father. Let me help you.”<\/p>\n “There is no help, Pa.” Adam choked.<\/p>\n “Of course there is!” Ben tried to smile, his nerves making his voice shaky. “We\u2019ll find help for whatever\u2019s hurting you, son. I promise. I will help you. I…. I\u2019ll do anything! Anything, Adam!”<\/p>\n Ben fought them, but tears filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. “Don\u2019t let it take you from me, Adam. Don\u2019t let me lose my son to this.” he brushed his face with the palm of his hand.<\/p>\n Adam stepped back, stung by the sight of his father\u2019s tears. “Pa. I\u2019m sorry.” he said sadly. “I won\u2019t drink anymore. I promise. I got rid of all of it. Please, Pa. Don\u2019t do this.”<\/p>\n “Adam.” Ben said, clearing himself of his tears. “All that is well and good, but what I want is to have my son back.”<\/p>\n Adam shook his head solemnly. He walked past his father towards the open door and into the rain that now fell lightly outside. Ben ran after him and took his hand.<\/p>\n “Adam.” he gave one final try. “Whatever happened…. I know my son.”<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s eyes closed tightly.<\/p>\n “And my son is a decent, just and good man.” Ben said, he turned Adam\u2019s face to look into his eyes. “And I have never lost faith in my son, nor will I. Never, Adam.”<\/p>\n “Pa.” Adam said, softly. “That son is gone.”<\/p>\n Ben watched his son disappear into the house. He stood for a moment, then collapsed in a heap of raw nerves upon the barrel beside the barn. He sat while the rain ran its course and sat while the sun traveled across the sky. He sat while the fullness of his stomach turned into a low growl. And he sat as a blanket of helplessness filled his mind, body and soul. Ben Cartwright could build an empire, bring down corrupt politicians and stop cattle rustlers. He could track a mountain lion, survive in a blizzard and save a calf from a roaring river. Ben Cartwright could do whatever he set his mind to do, but Ben Cartwright could not help his son.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Joe stood outside in the lonely street. The town was dark, its only life coming from the saloon. He could hear the piano and the laughter half a block away. He was lucky to have gotten a room. The cold rain would drive anyone with the means to the nearest town. Joe looked up at the sign before him: “Placerville Jail”. His stomach lurched. He knew they were in there.<\/p>\n A light shown from the office and inside, Joe could see the sheriff – a big, booming man with snow white hair like his father\u2019s. He was busy at his desk, his glasses to the tip of his nose, reading a piece of paper. The big man looked up to Joe and Joe ducked to the side of the window, his heart beating madly in his chest.<\/p>\n “Can I help you?” the sheriff asked, sticking his head out the door.<\/p>\n Joe exhaled. He\u2019d been seen. He smiled awkwardly at the sheriff. “I…I..” Joe began.<\/p>\n “Out with it, boy. What do you want?”<\/p>\n “I… Roy Coffee from Virginia City.” Joe said. “He told me you might be able to tell me the whereabouts of a Shoshone woman. Her English name is Sarah. I don\u2019t know what her people call her.”<\/p>\n The sheriff\u2019s brow furrowed. “What do you want with Sarah?”<\/p>\n Joe didn\u2019t know what to say. His feet shuffled nervously on the old wood of the porch. “I\u2019d like to talk to her if I could.” Joe said.<\/p>\n The sheriff came out and shut the door behind him. “You a friend of hers, are you?”<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “Kind of.” he said. “I just… I just want to see that she\u2019s all right. I…I have to talk to her.”<\/p>\n The sheriff studied him. “What\u2019d you say your name was, boy?”<\/p>\n “Joe Cartwright.” he answered. “Of the Ponderosa.”<\/p>\n The sheriff nodded in recognition. “Yes.” he said. “I\u2019ve met your father.”<\/p>\n Joe sighed in relief.<\/p>\n “I\u2019ll tell you what, son.” the sheriff said. “You come back here first thing in the morning. I\u2019ll have Sarah here to see you if she wants to come. But, I can\u2019t tell you where she is right now. She\u2019s a witness in an upcoming murder trial. I can\u2019t risk her safety.”<\/p>\n “I understand.” Joe said. “I appreciate your help, Sheriff.”<\/p>\n Joe walked back to his room, wondering if he would be able to sleep at all that night. He lay down upon the hard mattress with visions of that night racing through his mind. Sarah was the only other person on this earth who knew the hell that he and Adam knew. She was the only person on this earth who had seen worse than they did. He fell asleep praying she\u2019d be there to speak to him the next day.<\/p>\n In the morning, he rose early and shaved. What little facial hair he had was beginning to make his face look dirty. He hadn\u2019t shaved for almost a week. He smiled picturing what Adam would look like after a week without shaving. Probably couldn\u2019t even see his mouth, he thought. He put on his clean white shirt and tried to press the wrinkles out with his hand. It didn\u2019t matter, he told himself, he\u2019d have his jacket on anyway. He walked quickly to the sheriff\u2019s office, thankful the rain had stopped and he wouldn\u2019t be ringing wet for his meeting.<\/p>\n As he turned the corner, he saw her sitting outside on the bench in front of the jail. Joe stood motionless, afraid Sarah would scream or cry at the sight of him. Maybe seeing him would hurt her even more than she\u2019d already been hurt. She sat staring onto the lifeless street, wrapped in a wool blanket and dressed in the clothes a young white girl would wear. She turned her head, her eyes widening at the sight of him.<\/p>\n “Joe!” she called. She threw her blanket from her back and ran to him, her arms outstretched in front of her. She fell into his arms.<\/p>\n “Joe,” she sighed. “I thought it was not you when sheriff told me. I thought it could not be!”<\/p>\n Joe put his hands to her hair and held her closely. “It\u2019s me, Sarah.” he said. “Thank goodness you\u2019re all right.”<\/p>\n “And you!” she cried. “I saw the fire. I thought you died within the fire. I thought Adam died within, too.”<\/p>\n Her brown eyes traveled over Joe\u2019s face. “Adam.” she said, anxiously. “Is he not dead?”<\/p>\n “No.” Joe said solemnly. “He\u2019s not dead.”<\/p>\n Sarah smiled. “I am happy he is not.” she said. She took Joe\u2019s hand. “Sit. We shall talk here.”<\/p>\n Joe sat beside her on the bench, his insides still a tangled mess of nerves and pain.<\/p>\n “It makes you sad to see me.” she told him.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m only sad, Sarah, because I remember.” he said.<\/p>\n She nodded. “But that is past. We are here now. We are alive. That is what matters.”<\/p>\n Joe tried to smile. “I needed to see you, Sarah. I needed to know that you were all right. Adam needs to know, too.”<\/p>\n She nodded. “And Adam is sad, too?”<\/p>\n “Yes. Very much so.” Joe answered. “Adam remembers.”<\/p>\n “They hurt him.” she said. “Their souls will go to the dark place. They are evil men who enjoy another\u2019s pain.”<\/p>\n “Adam thinks he is evil, too, Sarah.” Joe said. “Because of what he had to do.”<\/p>\n Sarah\u2019s eyes drew close in question. “Adam?”<\/p>\n “He didn\u2019t want to hurt you, Sarah.” Joe said. “It\u2019s killing him inside. It\u2019s killing me.”<\/p>\n “No.” she said. “You and Adam gave the only kindness I received on that night. He did not hurt me.”<\/p>\n Joe swallowed hard. “He didn\u2019t?”<\/p>\n “They kicked him. They hit him. They burnt him to make him hurt me.” She said. “He would not.”<\/p>\n “But I thought after they put the gun in my mouth…”<\/p>\n Sarah exhaled and bowed her head. “Those evil men could not make Adam evil.” she said. “He did not commit the crimes they committed. He took me to his arms and kissed my face. He told me not to cry. He held me close to him until I found the strength to flee.”<\/p>\n “But he thought he…”<\/p>\n “He did not.” she said. “They hurt him so badly he did not know where he was, but he did not hurt me. He found sleep in my arms.”<\/p>\n “Then why didn\u2019t they kill me?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “Drunkenness. They did not know that Adam didn\u2019t do as they wished.” she said. “They set fire to kill you instead.”<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s breath began to escape him. All these days spent so needlessly in pain. And Adam…. poor Adam.<\/p>\n “Sarah, come with me.” he took her shoulders. “Come with me to see my brother. He has to see you. He has to know this.”<\/p>\n Sarah nodded. “I long to see him as well.” she said. “So many nights I\u2019ve cried over his death and over yours. I would want to stop his hurt. He was so very kind to me.”<\/p>\n Joe told the sheriff that he was taking Sarah back to the Ponderosa and although he did not like the idea, the sheriff allowed it. Joe had to promise she would be back in time for the trial six days later and he had to promise he would let nothing harm her. This was something the sheriff didn\u2019t have to ask. Joe would defend this woman with his life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n VIII<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Adam left Roy\u2019s office the next day, his strength worn, his sorrow unrelieved. At least those men would never be able to see the light of day again. Adam\u2019s shame was still strong, however – he had not told Roy everything. He had not told Roy the most horrible part. And he had not told him in time to save the lives of those other men. Two more crimes to hang on Adam\u2019s conscience.<\/p>\n He walked to his horse and looked over at the saloon. A beer would be nice. After the other night, however, Adam decided it would be a while before a beer could grace his lips again. Besides, he had promised his father he wouldn\u2019t drink and he wasn\u2019t going to hurt him any more than he already had.<\/p>\n “Adam!” came from up the street.<\/p>\n Pauline lifted her skirts and ran down the walkway towards him. Adam waited patiently.<\/p>\n “Adam,” she said, out of breath. “It\u2019s so good to see you.”<\/p>\n “And you, Pauline.” he tipped his hat. “You look beautiful, if I may say so.”<\/p>\n A broad smile brightened her pretty face. “Of course you may, Adam Cartwright.”<\/p>\n She held her hand out for him to take and when he took it, she jerked him towards the alley. Once in the seclusion of the buildings, she pulled him close to her and took his hands in hers. “I\u2019ve been so worried about you, Adam.” she said.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m better, Pauline.” he smiled.<\/p>\n “Are you sure?”<\/p>\n He nodded and winked at her. She gazed up at him, her blue eyes brimming with emotion. Adam grinned in shyness, then was smacked with the sudden impulse to kiss her. Nervous, he took a step back to escape the urge, but it did no good. Pauline followed.<\/p>\n “Your bruises are healing.” she said, solemn and intent on him. “Tell me you don\u2019t hurt anymore.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m ok.” he said.<\/p>\n “You\u2019re lying.”<\/p>\n “You and my father,” he teased. “Would make a lovely pair.”<\/p>\n “How about me and your father\u2019s oldest son?” she asked, her eyes still fixed on his. She pressed herself against him and he backed into the cedar shingles of the general store. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Let me help you, Adam. Let me kiss your hurts away.”<\/p>\n “Pauline…” he protested weakly. It had been so long since he\u2019d felt a woman near him, so long since he\u2019d been kissed, so long since he\u2019d been captivated by the rush of desire. He began to tremble. He closed his eyes and her lips met his with such warmth and wetness, it sent him reeling. She kissed him passionately and he drew her into his arms, engulfing her lips with both tenderness and ardor. A month of tension, of sorrow, of pain slipped from his body and he knew nothing else but the excruciating longing he swam in right now.<\/p>\n “Oh, Adam…”she broke breathlessly from his lips to kiss his neck. “I\u2019ve wanted you for so long….”<\/p>\n Adam rested his head against the wall and for a moment, all he knew was the bliss of passion. He opened his eyes to find her lips once again and from the corner of his eye, he saw the black and white of Joe\u2019s pinto pass by the alley. Behind him on a dappled mare, was Sarah. Adam\u2019s heart stopped. He pulled himself from Pauline.<\/p>\n “Adam,” she whined. “What…”<\/p>\n “Shhhh.” he put one finger to his lips and moved to the end of the alley-way, making sure he was not seen. He could hear Joe asking Roy where he was.<\/p>\n “The last I saw of him, he was with the young lady from Kate\u2019s.” Roy told Joe. “You might not see him for a while, I\u2019d expect.”<\/p>\n “Well, could you tell him I\u2019m looking for him?” Joe asked. “I\u2019ll be at the house.”<\/p>\n “Sure thing, Little Joe.”<\/p>\n “That\u2019s your brother.” Pauline whispered.<\/p>\n Adam nodded, then placed his hand on her mouth gently. She kissed his palm and he smiled at her.<\/p>\n Adam listened as the horse hooves softened with distance. He exhaled.<\/p>\n “Why didn\u2019t you want to see Joe?” Pauline asked.<\/p>\n Adam slid down to sit on the cold ground. Sarah. He put his face in his hands. What had he done to her?<\/p>\n “Adam,” Pauline coaxed as she knelt beside him. “Talk to me.”<\/p>\n He took her hands in his and kissed them. “Pauline,” he said. “There are things you don\u2019t know, things you\u2019ll never know. I\u2019m not what you think I am.”<\/p>\n She brushed the hair from his brow. “You\u2019re everything I think you are and more.” She dotted his forehead and eyes with kisses. “Come with me, Adam. For the rest of the day, the rest of the night – no money, no strings, nothing but you and I. Alone. Let me love you for just one day.”<\/p>\n Adam pushed himself up. “I can\u2019t, Pauline.”<\/p>\n Pauline righted herself, slightly angry. “Why? Because I\u2019m a whore?”<\/p>\n Adam stared at her, stunned by her words. She stood proud and hurt, straightening the satin of her blue gown. “I\u2019m not good enough for Adam Cartwright, am I?”<\/p>\n Adam shook his head, stoically. He brought his hand to her face and caressed her cheek lovingly. “I\u2019m not good enough for you, Pauline.” he said. He dropped his hand and went for his horse, but she grabbed him.<\/p>\n “You don\u2019t have to come with me, Adam.” she said with tears in her eyes. “But you listen to what I have to say.”<\/p>\n He turned to hear her, regretful he had wounded yet another person.<\/p>\n ” I knew a man once.” she said, fending off sobs. “He was good and kind and honest as the day was long. And he was handsome – so handsome women would turn and look at him as he walked by. The same way they do you, Adam.”<\/p>\n Pauline walked a few paces away and wiped her eyes. She turned back to Adam, noble and angry. “He married a young woman and they had a son. Well, this man decided he couldn\u2019t bear to bring his boy up in poverty, so he brought his family west to strike it rich. They didn\u2019t make a lot of money, but they were very happy. Then one day, their little boy died. He came down with a fever one night and passed before they could get to a doctor.”<\/p>\n She inhaled sharply and stared at Adam.<\/p>\n “After that, the man drank. He said he felt so guilty about bringing his son to the wilderness that he couldn\u2019t bear it. He said he drank to stop the pain, stop the guilt.” Pauline began to weep. “And the last thing he said to me before he left was \u2018I\u2019m not good enough for you.\u2019”<\/p>\n Adam pulled her into his arms and she quieted her tears as he brushed her long hair with his fingertips. “I\u2019m so sorry.” he soothed. “I didn\u2019t realize.”<\/p>\n “I didn\u2019t tell you this to feel badly for me, Adam.” Pauline looked up to him, tears still streaming down her face. “I told you to teach you a lesson.”<\/p>\n “But it\u2019s not the same thing, Pauline. Your husband – he had no reason to feel guilty. He couldn\u2019t stop what happened. He didn\u2019t have the power to.”<\/p>\n “Did you?” she asked. “Did you have the power to stop whatever it is that\u2019s killing you?”<\/p>\n Adam thought for a moment. Did he? He remembered Joe, sitting there, hands tied behind his back, a rifle barrel shoved in his mouth.\u00a0We\u2019ll kill him, Cartwright. We\u2019ll blow the back of his head clean off….<\/i><\/p>\n “No.” Adam buried his face in her hair. “I didn\u2019t.” His subtle tears mixed into her brown curls. The two of them stood in silence for a moment, motionless, each other\u2019s touch their only solace. Adam wanted nothing more than to spend the day in this woman\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n “See?” she said, brushing his face with her soft hand. “I told you you\u2019re everything I think you are.”<\/p>\n Adam smiled gently, then squeezed her hand. “I have to go home, Pauline. I have to straighten out a few things. Let me walk you home.”<\/p>\n “I think I can find my way since it\u2019s right over there.” she grinned and fiddled with his collar. “But you should know – my offer still stands, Mr. Cartwright.”<\/p>\n He bent to her lips. “I\u2019ll be sure to take you up on it.” He kissed her – one soft, smooth, sweet, strong kiss. “Soon.”<\/p>\n He tipped his hat to her, then left her standing in the first hint of dusk. He stopped and waited on the sidewalk to make sure she made it home safely, then mounted his horse and headed for home. He knew Sarah was there with Joe and he knew the time had come to face her, but Adam didn\u2019t know if the racing of his pulse was out of terror or elation. He guessed he would soon find out.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Ben and Hoss sat at the table together – Hoss with a snack, Ben with the newspaper. Ben\u2019s eyes were on the words, but his mind was far away. Neither Joe nor Adam was home. This had always unnerved him, but tonight it sent pangs of fear though his chest. He wanted them back, safe and sound. And although it had only been a couple of days since he last saw Joe and only hours since Adam, Ben longed to see their faces as if they\u2019d been gone for months.<\/p>\n “No word from Joe, huh, Pa?” Hoss asked.<\/p>\n “Nothing.” Ben said.<\/p>\n “Hope he found himself a room somewhere.” Hoss said with a mouthful of apple. “I\u2019d hate to be sleepin\u2019 out in this cold.”<\/p>\n Ben turned to him. “Thank you for easing my mind, Hoss.” he said, sarcastically.<\/p>\n “Listen.” Hoss sat up straight. “Somebody\u2019s here.”<\/p>\n Ben and Hoss went outside. The relief that filled Ben\u2019s veins was inexplicable. Joe was home. His son helped a young lady from her horse, then turned to smile at his family.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m home.” Joe said.<\/p>\n Ben beamed. “That you are!” he said. “And boy, is it good to see you.”<\/p>\n “Sarah,” Joe led her towards them. “This is my father, Ben Cartwright and my brother, Hoss. Pa, Hoss. This is Sarah.”<\/p>\n The girl nodded graciously at Ben and bowed before him. Ben took her hand as Hoss tipped his hat.<\/p>\n “Our pleasure, Sarah.” Ben smiled.<\/p>\n Sarah\u2019s eyes traveled over the yard in wonder. “I am very happy to meet you.” she answered. She looked at Joe. “Where is Adam?”<\/p>\n Joe looked at his father. “Adam\u2019s not here?”<\/p>\n Ben shook his head. “Come inside and get something to eat.” he smiled. “We need to get you two warmed up.”<\/p>\n Ben followed his sons and this new woman into his home. She spoke very little as she studied the house. Ben noticed her eyes seemed much older than the rest of her.<\/p>\n The men made idle chatter as she and Joe ate a bowl of stew. The girl seemed worried and nervous, but at what, Ben did not know. He did his best to ease the tension, but she did nothing more than nod politely at him. Joe soon took her to the spare bedroom. When he returned, Ben and Hoss stood to meet him.<\/p>\n Joe\u2019s eyes went from Ben to Hoss. “What?” he said.<\/p>\n “What?” Ben repeated. “Who is she?”<\/p>\n “She\u2019s a girl Adam and I met.” Joe said. “She\u2019s half Shoshone. She\u2019s from up in the mountains.”<\/p>\n “So why\u2019d you bring her here, Joe?” Hoss asked. “She in trouble?”<\/p>\n Joe shook his head.<\/p>\n “Scared little thing, ain\u2019t she?” Hoss said.<\/p>\n “She\u2019s the bravest woman I\u2019ve ever met.” Joe answered.<\/p>\n “Well,” Hoss said. “I\u2019m gonna go back there and see if there\u2019s any of that stew left. This weather makes me hungry.”<\/p>\n Joe smiled. “Any weather makes you hungry.”<\/p>\n “You\u2019re right there, little brother.” Hoss pat Joe\u2019s back, then left for the kitchen.<\/p>\n Ben moved closer to his son. “This girl. She\u2019s why you had to leave?”<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “She saved me, Pa.” he said. “She\u2019s gonna save Adam, too.”<\/p>\n Ben hugged his youngest son. “I hope you\u2019re right, Joe.” he said. “I hope you\u2019re right.”<\/p>\n As the evening approached and wore on, Ben began to worry. Adam was still not back. Ben sat in his chair, hoping he hadn\u2019t turned back to the bottle. He couldn\u2019t take another night like the other one. His spirits lifted as he remembered Adam\u2019s promise. If Adam promised he wouldn\u2019t drink anymore, he wouldn\u2019t. End of story. And when he heard Adam\u2019s horse whinny outside, he jumped up to prove his worries wrong.<\/p>\n He found his oldest son still atop his chestnut horse in the yard.<\/p>\n “Adam?” Ben said.<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s lips were drawn tight, his eyes deep and dark, staring straight through his father at the house.<\/p>\n “Adam, are you coming in?” Ben asked. “There\u2019s a girl inside. The one you and Joe met on your trip.”<\/p>\n Adam didn\u2019t answer. Ben saw his shoulders heave slightly. Adam remained atop his horse, who was making every effort to sway his rider towards the barn.<\/p>\n “Adam?”<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t push me, Pa.” Adam snapped. “I\u2019ll be in, in a minute.”<\/p>\n Ben sighed. He watched Adam get down and lead his horse to the barn, the door closing softly behind them. Light soon filled the window as Adam lit the lantern inside. Ben stood for a moment, deciding what to do next, then followed his oldest son. Adam was sliding the saddle from his horse\u2019s back as Ben peered in. He scratched Sport\u2019s ears fondly, then looked up at his father.<\/p>\n “Don\u2019t worry, Pa.” he said. “I\u2019m not drinking.”<\/p>\n “I didn\u2019t come in here for that, Adam.” Ben said, slightly irritated. “I just wanted to tell you I was sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to sound like I was pushing you out there.”<\/p>\n Adam sighed. He lifted a bundle of hay into the horse\u2019s stall and picked up a brush. “I know you didn\u2019t, Pa.” he told him. He stopped to glance humbly at his father. “I\u2019m sorry I snapped at you. You didn\u2019t deserve it.”<\/p>\n Ben swallowed and walked over to the stall. He lifted the extra bucket of water that he had poured earlier in front of Adam\u2019s horse and rubbed his ears. He watched Adam\u2019s hands glide over the animal tenderly and thankfulness warmed his heart. They were home. All of them were home. “I love you, Adam.” he said from nowhere.<\/p>\n Adam looked up at his father, slightly stunned. His eyes darted nervously around the barn and he scratched the back of his head. “I know, Pa.” he said. “Me, too.”<\/p>\n “Well,” Ben said. “Come inside before you catch cold.”<\/p>\n Inside the house were two more sons who needed to be reminded just how much they meant to their father.<\/p>\n “Pa!” Adam called.<\/p>\n Ben spun back around as he reached the door of the barn.<\/p>\n “Pa,” Adam\u2019s face crumpled in pain, his voice almost a whine. “Pa, I need your help.”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben bolted for him. He hugged him quickly, then took his shoulders to see his face. His heart was pounding a million beats per minute. “Anything, Adam. Anything.”<\/p>\n “Promise me, Pa.” Adam said. Ben could see a dozen emotions graze his son\u2019s face. “Promise me you\u2019ll understand.”<\/p>\n “Dear God, Adam,” he gasped. “Of course I will.”<\/p>\n Adam walked to the middle of the barn. “You don\u2019t know what I\u2019ve done.” he said.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben said. “Whatever you\u2019ve done, whatever has happened…you are my son. I love you no matter what. Don\u2019t ever doubt that again.”<\/p>\n Adam wrung his hands and his face grew pale. For a moment, Ben wondered if he was going to get sick.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben said. “Tell me.”<\/p>\n Adam exhaled a shaky breath. “They came up on Joe and I while we were asleep. Must\u2019ve been 9 or 10 o\u2019clock.” he said. “We didn\u2019t realize it until it was too late. They had everything – the horses, the money, our guns. One of them found papers with our name on it in the saddlebags. Seems they got a thrill from finding out we were Cartwrights.”<\/p>\n Ben eyes never left his son.<\/p>\n “I wasn\u2019t going to fight.” Adam went on. “I figured four against two weren\u2019t very good odds. But they were determined to take us down a few notches before they left. So we fought back and we fought pretty good, too. I caught the tall one in the mouth and knocked out his remaining front tooth. I think he was the leader because that\u2019s when they decided to not only beat us, but kill us. They dragged us to their horses. Then I saw they had Sarah.”<\/p>\n Adam bowed his head and closed his eyes. Ben walked to him and put his hand on his shoulder.<\/p>\n “She had no coat, Pa, and no shoes. She was tied to the back of one of the horses like a pack animal.” Adam\u2019s voice now resounded with pain. He sounded as if he were trying to excuse himself, but from what, Ben did not know. “I gave her my jacket. I asked them what they needed her for and I told them to let her go. I insisted they let her go. Then, they really went crazy. They started screaming at us, hitting us, calling us injun lovers. They knocked me out right after that. Maybe Joe, too, I don\u2019t know.”<\/p>\n “You haven\u2019t even talked to Joe about that night?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n “No,” Adam said sadly. “He wanted to, but I wouldn\u2019t let him. I\u2019ve been nothing but a coward. I\u2019ve hurt him pretty bad, Pa, these last few weeks.”<\/p>\n As Ben looked into Adam\u2019s teary eyes, his heart broke. “Joe is fine.” Ben assured him. “It\u2019s you I\u2019m worried about right now. And you are no coward, Adam. No coward at all.”<\/p>\n Adam smiled sadly. “You might wasn\u2019t to reserve that judgement til I\u2019m done, Pa.”<\/p>\n “Adam, you forget.” Ben said. “I know you.”<\/p>\n “I hope so.” Adam said. “Because I don\u2019t know myself anymore.”<\/p>\n As Adam stared off into the stillness of the barn, Ben squeezed his shoulder. “So where did you wake up?”<\/p>\n ” In this rotted out cabin.” Adam said. “Joe and I were tied to a post. I couldn\u2019t move my hands, Pa, the rope was so tight. The four of them sat at a table playing cards – drunk, smoking cigars. Sarah was hopping around the shack waiting on them whenever they wanted something. They were disgusting, Pa, filthy, rude, vulgar men. I caught Sarah\u2019s eyes and smiled at her. I was just trying make her feel better, let her know it was going to be all right. She snuck over to me and I told her who I was and that I was going to get her away from them. I told her to believe me, Pa. And she did.”<\/p>\n Adam put his hands to his face and Ben thought he was going to cry. “One of them saw me and said, \u2018Look who\u2019s up, boys! The injun lover!\u2019” Adam\u2019s sadness turned quickly into fury. He kicked the wall in a rage. “Bastards!” he yelled. “Filthy rotten bastards!”<\/p>\n Anxiety and fear welled within Ben and he smiled to cover it. “Adam,” he said with a fumbling tongue. “They…the girl is fine now. She\u2019s…”<\/p>\n “She\u2019s not fine, Pa, can\u2019t you see?!?!?”<\/p>\n “Of course she is, Adam!” Ben laughed, terrified of what his son was going to tell him. “She\u2019s right inside the house with Hoss and Joe.”<\/p>\n “Pa! They raped her.” Adam\u2019s chest heaved as he caught his breath. “They raped her right in front of me and Joe.”<\/p>\n Ben caught himself on the door of the stall, feeling as if someone had crushed the air from his lungs. He wanted to cry out, but he held it inside, his body aching with the horror his boys had seen, the horror the girl had lived through.<\/p>\n “We begged them to stop.” Adam turned away to hide his face. “We begged them! But we couldn\u2019t help her, Pa. We couldn\u2019t move and couldn\u2019t help her….couldn\u2019t help her at all.”<\/p>\n Ben walked in front of him and turned his young face towards him.<\/p>\n “All we could do was close our eyes.” Adam said, closing his now. “She stopped screaming after a while. Pretty soon all I could hear was Joe crying.”<\/p>\n Ben bit his own quivering lip, his stomach rolling with abomination. “Adam,” he said, gathering as much strength as he could. “You could not stop it. It was not your fault. How can you possibly feel the guilt of those monsters?”<\/p>\n Adam said nothing and stared at the floor.<\/p>\n “Do you understand, Adam?” Ben asked.<\/p>\n Adam did not move.<\/p>\n “Adam!” Ben snapped and shook his son. His chest tightened as he realized Adam wasn\u2019t through. Dear God, he wasn\u2019t through.<\/p>\n “They untied me, Pa.” Adam\u2019s eyes were heavy, his voice barely above a whisper. “They said, \u2018go ahead, injun lover…it\u2019s your turn.\u2019”.<\/p>\n “Oh my God.” escaped Ben\u2019s mouth before he could clasp it shut with his hands. He moaned and his stomach surged into his throat. Ben clutched himself and had to move from his son before he fainted. Dizzy, he grasped the saddle that rested on the stall. “No!” he yelled, then punched the saddle and threw it to the ground. Dust and hay clattered around it and the horses whinnied nervously. He pressed his hands into his face to stop the tears, stop the screams, stop the curses that were about to spring forth from his lips. Then, he remembered his son.<\/p>\n Adam stood still in the same spot, his pensive face now replaced with one that quivered as he spoke, his eyes swimming in agony. “I tried to fight them. I really tried, Pa.” he said. “They beat me \u2018til I couldn\u2019t see, kicked me \u2018til I couldn\u2019t move. They poured whiskey down my throat and took a hot poker to my back. I told them to kill me, Pa! I wanted them to kill me.”<\/p>\n “No, Adam.” Ben cried and ran to him. “Not your life. It wasn\u2019t worth your life.”<\/p>\n “Yes it was, Pa.” Adam said, tears filling his dark eyes. “But it wasn\u2019t worth Joe\u2019s.”<\/p>\n Adam moved from his father and pressed his forehead into the wall. “The tall one. He put his rifle barrel inside Joe\u2019s mouth – so far down that it gagged him.” Adam said. “He said if I didn\u2019t do it, he\u2019d pull the trigger. I couldn\u2019t let them kill Joe, Pa! Not Joe.”<\/p>\n Adam collapsed in a heap in the middle of the floor, weeping. “Not Joe.” he repeated and sobbed in his hands.<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben began to cry. “You had no choice.”<\/p>\n Adam looked up into his father\u2019s eyes. “The worst part is, Pa. I don\u2019t know what I did to her! I don\u2019t remember any of it. All I know is when I woke up, Joe was still alive.”<\/p>\n Ben looked at his son, speechless and full of sorrow. There were no words that could take the pain away, so Ben scrambled to his son and took him in his arms. He held Adam tightly, praying that God would place his son\u2019s suffering upon himself.<\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Adam pulled away slowly, studying his father\u2019s face as he wiped his eyes. He had once thought that if his Pa found out, he wouldn\u2019t be able to look at him anymore. He had once thought the only thing he would ever see in his father\u2019s face again would be shame and disgust. What Adam saw there now as his father gazed upon him was far from shame and disgust. All Adam saw was sympathy, sadness and devotion. He should have known, should have realized his father would never let him down. He cursed himself for the days spent hiding in a liquor bottle.<\/p>\n “So,” Adam stood and exhaled. “Now I have to face Sarah.”<\/p>\n “Adam,” Ben said, tenderly. “Do you think she would have come here if you had hurt her badly?”<\/p>\n Adam shrugged, lifelessly. “I don\u2019t know.” he said. “I don\u2019t know how badly I hurt her.”<\/p>\n “She asked for you Adam.” Ben rose to his son. “She wanted to see you.”<\/p>\n “She still does.” Joe said from the door, his young face stoic and sad, his eyes bouncing between his father and older brother.<\/p>\n Adam stared back at Joe for a moment. How long he had been there, Adam didn\u2019t know, but that didn\u2019t matter any more. The secret was out. The silence had been broken. The burden had been lifted.<\/p>\n “Sarah wants to talk to you, Adam.” Joe said.<\/p>\n Adam inhaled deeply, then walked to his brother. Outside, in the chilly moonlight, stood Sarah. She leaned against the corral fence, a shawl wrapped around head, a long fur coat on her tiny body. Adam saw her young face brighten at the sight of him and it lightened the weight in his heart. Joe pushed him outside, then closed the door to the barn, leaving Adam in the brisk night air with Sarah.<\/p>\n He walked to her slowly, but did not look at her face. “Sarah,” he said, trembling. “I am so sorry. I would do anything to change what happened. You don\u2019t know how sorry I am for what was done to you, what I did to you.”<\/p>\n Her soft hand lifted his face and she looked into his eyes.<\/p>\n “You did nothing, Adam, but offer me kindness and give me strength.” she said. “You have no need for \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019”.<\/p>\n “But I…”<\/p>\n “You kissed me, like this.” her lips brushed his cheek. “You held me, like this.” she wrapped her arms around him. “There was no more.”<\/p>\n He backed away from her to see her face. She smiled tenderly.<\/p>\n “You fell dead asleep in my arms. It is I who have been mourning your death these many days since we met.” she said. “I thought they killed you, Adam. I could not bear the thought that those evil men had taken such a kind man from this world.”<\/p>\n Adam\u2019s breath sped. “I didn\u2019t hurt you, Sarah?”.<\/p>\n “Hurt me? Your touch was the only one of compassion that night.” she said. “Your touch, your words…. I will never forget.”<\/p>\n Adam pulled her into his arms and held her close to him. “I\u2019m so sorry I couldn\u2019t stop them, Sarah. I\u2019m so sorry for what they did to you. So very sorry.”<\/p>\n She smiled up at him, then buried her face in the vee of his collar. “You are a good man, Adam, a very good man.” she said. “It is time for you to stop being sorry.”<\/p>\n “I should have come after you.” he held her still. “I should have made sure you were safe and…”<\/p>\n Sarah put her hand to his mouth. “Let go of yesterday, Adam. There is only today.” she said. “Forgive yourself and remember who you are. Those around you know. I know.”<\/p>\n Adam exhaled. Though still angry at the events of that horrible night, still shocked by the pure depravity of those men, Adam\u2019s shame was fleeing, his guilt was slipping away. He thought he would never feel this way again. He had been an innocent bystander – just like Sarah and just like Joe. How stupid he had been these past few weeks. How much more pain he had caused by not forgiving himself.<\/p>\n The barn door creaked open and his father and brother slipped slowly out and walked over. Adam\u2019s eyes went right to Joe. Ben took Sarah from Adam. “You need to come inside, dear.” Ben said. “It\u2019s freezing out here.”<\/p>\n “Will they be coming in?” she looked back at the two brothers.<\/p>\n “We\u2019ll be right behind you.” Joe said. He walked to Adam and they stood in silence as the front door closed behind their father and the young woman. The two of them stared at one another, Adam\u2019s face stern and Joe\u2019s face anxious.<\/p>\n “What?” Joe said finally.<\/p>\n “I never thanked you for pulling me out of that fire.” Adam said.<\/p>\n Joe nodded. “That\u2019s all right.” he said.<\/p>\n “And I never thanked you for keeping this a secret all this time.” Adam added. “I know I hurt you Joe, and I\u2019m sorry. I was wrong and now, two men are dead because of it.”<\/p>\n “Haven\u2019t you been hard enough on yourself, Adam?” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “Well, if I had told Roy…”<\/p>\n “Do you really think Roy would have found them before they got to those men? They were clear to Placerville.” Joe asked.<\/p>\n “I don\u2019t know.”<\/p>\n “No, you don\u2019t and you never will.” Joe said. “So stop thinking about it. There happens to be a lot of people who want you home.”<\/p>\n “I\u2019m not the one who left.” Adam said.<\/p>\n “Oh yes you did.” Joe said, unsmiling. He walked to him. “And I want my brother back.”<\/p>\n “Even after I messed up so badly?”<\/p>\n Joe smiled. “We all make mistakes, Adam. Even you.”<\/p>\n Adam grinned. “How\u2019d you get so smart?”<\/p>\n “Well, one of my brothers ain\u2019t too bright, but I got another one who\u2019s practically a genius.” Joe said, eyeing him playfully. “Name\u2019s Hoss.”<\/p>\n Adam feigned insult and grabbed Joe. He wrapped his arm around Joe\u2019s neck and squeezed. “What was his name again?”<\/p>\n “Hoss!” Joe laughed.<\/p>\n Adam squeezed tighter and Joe laughed harder. “Excuse me?”<\/p>\n “Hoss!!!”<\/p>\n “Who keeps yelling my name?” Hoss opened the door.<\/p>\n Adam let go of Joe. “Uhh…Joe was just telling me what the Clemens named their new mule.”<\/p>\n Hoss nodded. “Real funny.” he said, hiding a smile behind his false anger. “I think I liked you two better when you weren\u2019t talkin\u2019.”<\/p>\n “Hoss!” Joe still laughed. “Actually, I just told Adam it\u2019s you who\u2019s the genius of the family.”<\/p>\n “Yeah, that\u2019s even funnier.” Hoss closed the door on them.<\/p>\n “Come on.” Joe pulled Adam to the door. “We gotta get him before he gets mad at us all over again.”<\/p>\n Adam pulled back and took his brother\u2019s arm. “Joe.” he said.<\/p>\n Joe stopped with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”<\/p>\n “I never told you how lucky I am you\u2019re my brother.” Adam said.<\/p>\n Both young men smiled at one another with affection and tenderness.<\/p>\n “I\u2019m lucky too, Adam.” Joe said. “I\u2019m lucky, too.”<\/p>\n The End<\/p>\n
\n“George…” Ben said.<\/p>\n