{"id":49044,"date":"2024-05-16T09:38:20","date_gmt":"2024-05-16T13:38:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=49044"},"modified":"2025-09-25T15:37:17","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T19:37:17","slug":"the-homecoming-by-missjudy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=49044","title":{"rendered":"The Homecoming (By Missjudy)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary: <\/strong>Instead of excitement and joy over Adam\u2019s imminent return from school in Boston, unexpected emotions and personal fears leave the Cartwrights struggling in their welcome. This story is comprised of chapters told from a family member’s POV.<\/em><\/p>\n

Rating:<\/strong> G<\/p>\n

Words:<\/strong> 26442<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

The Homecoming <\/strong><\/p>\n

Raw Emotions (May, a few months before Adam is expected home from Boston) \u2026 \u00a0(Hoss\u2019 POV)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s been actin\u2019 doggone strange all day. He started out so grouchy and short-tempered, I figgered it best to stay outside instead of taking them sideway looks he was giving me anytime I so much as breathed too loud.<\/p>\n

I had <\/em>to go back inside to grab a book showin\u2019 how to tie some knots I was workin\u2019 on, and I don\u2019t think he even noticed me walk through, cuz he had that faraway look of something weighin\u2019 so hard in mind and heart that his jaw was set near tight enough to crack some teeth.<\/p>\n

That bothered me more\u2019n his growlin\u2019, so I worked on my knots at the table to keep an eye on him. After puttin\u2019 his head in his hands for a bit, he looked up, and what passed over his face seemed sad more\u2019n mad.<\/p>\n

Pa shows he\u2019s mad real easy, but he ain\u2019t so good at puttin\u2019 words to what gets him twisty inside.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not the first time I\u2019ve seen him like this in the last five-and-some-years. It was awful bad the first couple\u2019a weeks after Adam left for school, but he broke out of it, saying it was time to return to what he called the \u201cusual rhythm\u201d of our family, even minus one.<\/p>\n

He was good to his word, except when months passed without hearin\u2019 anything from Adam or his grandaddy. Then Pa\u2019d get itchy like he\u2019s actin\u2019 today, until a letter arrived. The difference is that whatever\u2019s tormentin\u2019 him today is deeper, near like he\u2019s sick with it. Seems strange that he\u2019d feel that way now that our countdown to Adam getting\u2019 home has gone from over 1800 days to mark off on calendars, to only needing X\u2019s on a couple\u2019a more months.<\/p>\n

One big thing happened while Adam\u2019s been gone that helped when Pa didn\u2019t hear from Boston, and it leaves me wonderin\u2019 why he doesn\u2019t use this today. A telegraph line made it to Eagle Station1<\/sup> a couple years back. That\u2019s just an hour\u2019s ride southeast of the house.<\/p>\n

Pa explained more\u2019n once how the telegraph works, but it boggles my mind that a bunch of taps on a metal \u201ckey\u201d in one place makes a language someone can understand miles down the line, and then they send it along to the next place where they do the same thing until it reaches the person it\u2019s meant for. Sometimes them dots and dashes went clear through to Boston and back in a day, but most times, all them \u201cjunctions\u201d meant things bogged down. Then it could take a few days or longer for things to work.<\/p>\n

Sending a wire, especially one long enough to get all the information across, is expensive, but Pa used it a few times when that itch got so deep he couldn\u2019t scratch it any other way. And one time when Little Joe went missing out in the canyons, Pa sent one to Adam, asking if he had any idea where Joe favored exploring in that area: somewhere he could have gotten in over his head. It was a near miracle how good it worked with things goin\u2019 back and forth between here and Boston near perfect, and we found Joe exactly where Adam suggested.<\/p>\n

Now that I think of it, Pa got one a them wires from Adam a few weeks back. It was good news, saying he had passed everything needed to graduate, and was looking for the fastest way home.<\/p>\n

The \u201cfastest way home\u201d still means a long time. Pa and Adam say it took nearly a year to get here from Missouri. I\u2019d forced my brain to do some arithmetic after learning how far a wagon train can travel in a day and the number of miles between here and the Mississippi, and told Pa I estimated Adam arrivin\u2019 home by late October.<\/p>\n

Pa was impressed, but said Adam would hire on with a supply caravan like the one he left with, and that would cut the trip in half. Those guys take the most direct routes rather than trying to find the most even ground like them settler caravans do. Supply crews don\u2019t mind drivin\u2019 through weather. They don\u2019t stop to rest or take time for them things families need to do. And what Pa always talks about most that made travel harder on their trip out here, were those folks who piled every last thing they owned in the small wagons, making them break down from the heavy load on them skinny axles when greenhorn drivers managed to hit each rock and hole in their path.<\/p>\n

Pa says the suppliers carry heavy loads too, but it\u2019s packed evenly and the drivers know what they\u2019re doing. The difference means it\u2019ll take lots less than I was thinkin\u2019 until Adam\u2019s home again.<\/p>\n

Saying home \u201cagain\u201d sounds funny, but Adam started from Boston, so this\u2019ll be the second time he shows up out here. It took 17 years to make the first circle; I hope it takes at least that long before he decides to do it again!<\/p>\n

Getting to Boston was like goin\u2019 home again too, since Adam was born there. Little Joe was born right here in the old house, but I don\u2019t have a \u201ccertain birthplace.\u201d Pa and Adam say I came along a few days before getting\u2019 to Ash Hollow in the Nebraska territory where my mama died.<\/p>\n

It leaves me kind\u2019a envious of Adam and Joe to have a real place to call their first home. I have thought about one day goin\u2019 back to where Mama and my uncle Gunnar lived when she met Pa, but he says, they were the only two Borgstroms left in the Sangamon River Valley town where they ran their family store. The town wasn\u2019t doin\u2019 well even back then, and with Uncle Gunner leaving too, probably no one remembers them anymore.<\/p>\n

Pa isn\u2019t sure where my uncle got off to, but maybe he\u2019ll come \u2018round one day to see us. I\u2019d like to meet Uncle Gunner, since he\u2019s the one who told Pa and Mama to name their first boy, Hoss, and I got him to thank \u2026 or punch in the nose \u2026 for needin\u2019 to spell out my name every time people think it\u2019s \u201cHorse.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not today\u2019s worry though. Pa started pushing to get the Ponderosa spit polished right after getting\u2019 that telegram. Gotta say, watchin\u2019 Adam\u2019s reactions to all the changes Pa\u2019s made should be interesting since he only remembers how things were when he left. That wire said he passed his tests at school, but the biggest test of all is comin\u2019 when he gets home. If I see him struggling to find all Pa\u2019s improvements, I might sneak him some answers. It won\u2019t be cheatin\u2019. \u00a0Sometimes people need a little re-educating to pull up the answers they really know but might struggle to remember.<\/p>\n

The biggest change is what he\u2019ll see just lookin\u2019 at us. Pa looks a little older, but the difference with him is that he\u2019s gotten to be a real rancher and salesman, making the Ponderosa well known from here to the coast. But Joe and me \u2026 that\u2019s gonna be crazy different. I was 12 when Adam left, the age Little Joe is now<\/em>, but he was a itty bitty back then. We didn\u2019t notice because it happened a little every day. Pants stopped reaching our ankles; boots got tight, and my shirts couldn\u2019t button, reach my wrists, or stay tucked in my pants with some regularity. Pa grumbled about goin\u2019 broke just keepin\u2019 us\u2014well me mostly\u2014in clothes. Adam missed all that.<\/p>\n

Things in town changed some too. Miss Jones was \u201chired\u201d by the folks \u2018round here to teach regular school instead\u2019a doing it at the boarding house for a few pennies from the parents of her students. Each family puts in what they can with Pa tossin\u2019 in a little more. Mr. Cass gave up one of his supply sheds for a schoolhouse, and others helped build desks and put in windows and a stove. One day, if the town keeps growin\u2019, Pa says they\u2019ll build a real school at the edge of town.<\/p>\n

I stuck with Miss Jones until I was nearly 15, when I finished what she called secondary school. I liked it some, but itched to start ranching full time with Pa. He\u2019s glad to have me on the crew, and says I\u2019m learnin\u2019 things real good.<\/p>\n

Little Joe will surprise Adam most. Pa and me agree Joe\u2019ll never get as tall as Pa or Adam, and being my size ain\u2019t even possible since he\u2019s built small and wiry. But Pa says folks won\u2019t notice because he has a tall personality. If that means Joe\u2019ll talk faster to get into and outa trouble, scheme better, and keep us all guessin\u2019 as to what he\u2019ll do next, then he\u2019s already near to bein\u2019 10-feet tall.<\/p>\n

All this thinking about Joe brings up something else that\u2019s kind\u2019a sittin\u2019 uneasy in my gut. Adam leaving was hardest for Joe. The kid talked lots about him at first. With each year, he\u2019s said less, until lately he don\u2019t say nothing about him.<\/p>\n

When Joe lost his mama, Pa struggled bad, leaving us with Adam when he needed to be alone, which was a lot. Joe turned to Adam like he\u2019d always done with Pa, cuz he was still grievin\u2019 too. Maybe when Adam had to leave for school, the kid was too young to understand that five years would seem like forever.<\/p>\n

All I know , is that when we talk about Adam getting home, Joe either gets sassy or sullen, sayin\u2019 he don\u2019t know why we\u2019re so excited about it. And then BAM! The other day, he hollered out that Adam can\u2019t be coming home, cuz he\u2019s really buried out at the lake next to his mama, and Pa didn\u2019t have the guts to tell him the truth.<\/p>\n

Pa didn\u2019t say nothing, just took him by the hand to his room for a talk.\u00a0 Little Joe didn\u2019t look convinced when he came outside later and wouldn\u2019t tell me nothin\u2019. He\u2019s a smart kid and has always been that way. But he lost two people he thought the world of around the same time back then, and maybe it all got jumbled up in his head and heart and he put all his memories of Adam away somewhere deep where he can\u2019t find them anymore \u2026 just to keep his heart from explodin\u2019 from missin\u2019 him so bad. What scares me some is that Adam really is coming home. Joe\u2019s gonna face the truth that Adam was just away like we said, while his mama really is dead and won\u2019t never be able to return. Will he be glad Adam\u2019s back, or hate him for reasons he won\u2019t even understand.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s always had a real soft spot fer Joe, just like all of us. He\u2019ll figure it out and know what to say.<\/p>\n

All this thinkin\u2019 hasn\u2019t gotten me any closer to understanding Pa\u2019s mood. But there is somethin\u2019 I wanna check. We mark off each day Adam\u2019s been gone on a calendar to see them reaching the end of him bein\u2019 away. Pa put notes inside the dates to remind him of things to write Adam about in his next letter. Maybe there\u2019ll be some clue on today\u2019s date.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Pa finally went outside to talk to Hugh. He don\u2019t want us messin\u2019 up his desk, but the calendars are in the bottom drawer and he doesn\u2019t mind us lookin\u2019 there.<\/p>\n

The five calendars we\u2019ve already finished marking are tied together, with one loose on top that we\u2019re workin\u2019 on. Slipping it onto the desk, I run my finger down to today\u2019s square, and sure enough! Pa\u2019s scratchy writing makes his odd mood clear as Lake Tahoe. Adam is graduating today. I knew it was comin\u2019 up, but hadn\u2019t paid attention to an exact date.<\/p>\n

My heart pulls tight for both Pa and my brother. Adam has friends in Boston, and Grandpa Stoddard will be at the ceremony. His description of it sounded real fancy with lots of processions and speeches, but I\u2019m thinkin\u2019 the one person he wants there most, can\u2019t be. And Pa \u2026 well he\u2019s surely bustin\u2019 his buttons with pride while doin\u2019 it from so far away that it\u2019s gotta leave a hole in his chest\u201d.<\/p>\n

It would have been \u201cpossible\u201d for Pa to get there, except it was impossible. Travel\u2019s still so slow, he would\u2019a had to set out in February. Travelin\u2019 in winter just doesn\u2019t happen much. Most wagon travel stops, and a ship takes a long time too. Then double his time away from us and the ranch before he\u2019d get home.<\/p>\n

Pa made peace with this. That don\u2019t mean his heart ain\u2019t achin\u2019 today.<\/p>\n

There might be a way to help.<\/p>\n

When I hear him talking to Hop Sing in the kitchen, I head there, offering, \u201cI just marked off Adam\u2019s calendar and saw he\u2019s graduating today,\u201d as I round the corner from the dining area. \u201cHow about we ask Hop Sing to make a special supper and we\u2019ll celebrate here just like he is there. You can read us that letter where he told about them things he\u2019ll be doing, like the parade through the streets and givin\u2019 a speech in Latin. He even said what his robe will be like. Then we\u2019ll cheer so loud; he\u2019ll hear us all the way in Boston.\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiles for the first time today. \u201cThat is a good idea, Hoss.\u201d<\/p>\n

When Pa turns to check with Hop Sing, our cook\u2019s head is shaking as he shows us the roast he\u2019s getting ready, and then he points to the cake he already decorated with congratulations done in icing. Seems Hop Sing\u2019s been payin\u2019 attention to that calendar too. Our cook always knows what will make us feel better, and he figured we needed to celebrate, just like me.<\/p>\n

All the food he\u2019s gettin\u2019 ready makes me wish someone graduated from college more often. With it bein\u2019 a special occasion, I\u2019m betting seconds on that cake are a sure thing.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Big Expectations\/Bigger Worries (Ben)<\/strong><\/p>\n

A week later \u2026<\/p>\n

My son graduated from college last week. After being with him for nearly every milestone in his life, missing this tore at me. Thankfully, Hoss and Hop Sing knew what to do. And Adam achieving this \u201cending\u201d to one part of his life means he\u2019s returning home to a new \u201cbeginning.\u201d<\/p>\n

I have kept a journal since becoming an officer on Abel\u2019s ship. It was necessary in my role, but it\u2019s still an invaluable tool in helping to recall what happened each day. Just prior to his graduation, Adam sent a telegram confirming he\u2019d leave for Missouri in two weeks to join a supply train heading this direction, prompting me to review my log entries from the past five years to make a list of the changes we\u2019ve made to the ranch in his absence. It\u2019s so long I\u2019ll have to tamp down my desire to show him every last one the day he arrives. To keep it from seeming overwhelming, I\u2019ve organized that list into manageable segments, beginning with the ones he\u2019ll notice first.<\/p>\n

Topping the list is the house. When I compare the pencil sketches Adam made shortly before he left, to the structure we built from the specifications done by an architect in San Francisco, I am re-amazed at how many of his ideas were spot on and worked perfectly.<\/p>\n

My eldest always had a talent for seeing how need and construction could meld beautifully. What he didn\u2019t<\/em> have at the time he made his drawings, was the math to build it. Some things can be rigged together with minimal planning and simple measurements. But with his vision and another man\u2019s calculations, this house took shape.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s destiny seemed clear when he got to Boston and tested well enough to be admitted to several colleges, and chose Harvard because it was initiating the first classes leading to a degree in engineering. He graduated at the top of that program. That credential alone made him eligible for any job he\u2019d want anywhere. Yet he chose to return home. It makes me proud, yet I\u2019m now wondering if his years of living in a city surrounded by exceptional beauty, history, and opportunity, may make the pastoral efforts we\u2019ve accomplished here seem banal in comparison.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to believe that, yet my heart often races in worry that Adam will come to equate coming \u201chome\u201d as a forced return to back-breaking labor and colorless routines because he feels obligated to offer service in-kind for his education. A house, even one built from his amazing innate aptitude in design, won\u2019t tip the scales towards joy in being here if that\u2019s the case.<\/p>\n

Letters from Abel included stories of my son\u2019s successes, but also of his continued homesickness and grief at being so far away from us. I am thankful for my father-in-law\u2019s openness about this, since Adam\u2019s letters would say only that he \u201cmissed\u201d us. It is like my son to keep his emotional upheaval to himself so as not to not worry me. Like father, like son, since I never worried him by revealing the huge void existing here these years without him. The most telling thing I ever revealed was that we were marking off the days on the calendar until his return\u2014leaving a visual reference to the length of his absence.<\/p>\n

Thankfully, Abel also revealed Adam\u2019s growing confidence, along with his assurances that even though my son was making new friends and enjoying life in the East, the boy was always giddy when our letters arrived. Even late in this stay, my father-in-law revealed that he still observed moments when Adam\u2019s mind drifted home and he would need to be coaxed out of his melancholy.<\/p>\n

Elizabeth\u2019s father, when my captain, seemed formidably unapproachable with his crew. This stemmed from his position requiring control over all things on ship, including control of his emotions. After I married Elizabeth and I lived and worked with him, I saw how deep his emotions ran. He was a tender-hearted father, and suffered tremendous grief after being betrayed by his employer, causing him to make some horrible missteps around the time Adam was born. Ultimately, his fine character shown through his ordeal and he became an even better man for his mistakes. He sent us away with his encouragement and has continued to be this family\u2019s biggest supporter. His affection for me has been shown in his care to tell me that Adam\u2019s love and loyalty to his family will return home along with the rest of him.<\/p>\n

Yet, I worry.<\/p>\n

When I can put that aside, I look forward to showing him every nook and cranny of this house. The place is described as having magical properties by those who have been here. That comes from an exterior that belies all that hides within. My son kept the feel of our original cabin in creating one large room on the first floor, allowing room to dine, with a few different seating areas where we can be together or separate. The same space can be rearranged to host a good number of guests. And upstairs, our bedrooms are tucked into rooflines, with chimneys unseen from the front.<\/p>\n

I made one change. Adam made a separate room off the dining area that includes an outside door, thinking it would be my office. After working amid my boys since starting out, I couldn\u2019t imagine being separated from them. I\u2019ve learned to concentrate even with conversations going on nearby, and loved being part of their lives even while working. So I commandeered the space to the right of the front door Adam had imagined as a library area with chairs and bookshelves. There\u2019s enough room for my desk there, and I had the book shelves built, adding cabinets below to hold a safe and boxes. That other room is decked out as a guest room for those who can\u2019t climb the steps to the spare upstairs.<\/p>\n

The house has been up over a year, but I still stare each time I ride into the yard. The pine and hardwoods taken from our land, give it that cabin feel Adam intended, and it fits naturally into the setting. We don\u2019t keep our house for company. It\u2019s a working house that welcomes us no matter what state we\u2019re in at the end of the day. \u00a0This doesn\u2019t mean we don\u2019t keep it clean and orderly or come to the table in dirty attire. But we\u2019re in and out all day, and would never disallow anyone the comfort of sitting down, even if they\u2019re a little road worn. Thankfully Hop Sing\u2019s oversees our efforts and helps return our home to an organized haven each day.<\/p>\n

Just like the Cartwrights clean up nicely with a bath and little polishing, our house can go from everyday ordinary to party ready with minimal effort.<\/p>\n

Even with my certainty that Adam will be satisfied and excited by the house, I find myself sighing constantly with concern over his impending return when I should be feeling excited.<\/p>\n

The actual emotion causing the sighs \u2026 is dread.<\/p>\n

Why would I feel that rather than joy?<\/p>\n

Turning it in my head, I realize what plagues me is not<\/em> how my son will feel about changes on the Ponderosa. The dread comes from fearing how he will feel about \u2026 me \u2026.<\/p>\n

For 17 years, what my son learned about love, discipline, joy, loyalty, hard lessons, and most everything else he didn\u2019t read in a book, was filtered through me. I was the taproot from which our family grew and sprouted branches. It was my strength and authority that kept our family tree reaching upwards to form a canopy of protection and purpose.<\/p>\n

My firstborn will have now experienced the mentoring of others, most of them smarter than I am, and heralded for their worldly fame and success. Will he want to graft his root back into our family tree, or will he find us \u2026 me<\/em> \u2026 disappointing in comparison.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not fair to level a charge of this judgment coming from Adam, yet the devil whispers, \u201cYour son won\u2019t need you anymore, and soon your other sons will feel the same way.\u201d I am filled with \u201canticipatory grief.\u201d I want all three sons to establish their own lives even if that means leaving home. But not yet. Not when I\u2019ve been hoping for Adam to be at my side again. At least for a few more moments before he finds his own way.<\/p>\n

In turn, I\u2019ve become obsessed with providing the perfect homecoming, thinking Adam will accept nothing less. I know innately that total perfection is not accessible on earth. We may experience moments of ecstatic joy. I should view my first look at Adam when he comes home a perfect moment, but that moment will give way to a long period of adjustment. I\u2019ve always known he won\u2019t be the same as he was when he left. None of us will be, and I\u2019m sure he knows that too. \u00a0Yet I\u2019ve allowed this need to infect my wellbeing to where I feel ill with it.<\/p>\n

Adding to the anxiety, is the three to four months I thought I\u2019d have to work this through, were just cut to three weeks after receiving a new telegram from Adam I\u2019d assumed would say he\u2019d made it to St. Louis, and when we might expect the supply train to drop him off.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t!<\/p>\n

Leave it to my boy to find a last-minute opportunity allowing him a faster trip, even if it is untried and possibly perilous.\u00a0 Butterfield Overland stage service has roughed out and supplied a direct westerly route, hoping to establish transportation and mail service using stage coaches between Kansas and San Francisco. Estimates are that it should take a mere two weeks once they get things worked out. What a godsend for those of us who\u2019ve relied on supply caravans or ships to move letters and packages, taking months each way.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s message indicated he had responded to an earlier advertisement in a Boston paper soliciting candidates to ride along on the first test of the system. For their help in identifying issues needing to be addressed prior to Overland making a bid to the government for such a service, six passengers were promised a small stipend, meals, and a trip as short as three weeks to the West Coast, along with a warning the \u201cshort\u201d journey could prove brutal. The stage will run 24 hours, unless weather or an overly dark night makes it too dangerous, and will stop only to change horses and allow passengers to eat and stretch.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d seen that article in a San Francisco newspaper Will Cass has delivered with his supplies from San Francisco. There are inherent dangers with it, yet no more so than any other covering the same ground. The article encouraged interested parties in the East who could get to St. Louis quickly when called, should visit a Western Union office and have them wire their qualifications directly to Butterfield\u2019s main office.<\/p>\n

Adam made an ideal candidate! He\u2019s young, skilled with equipment and animals, has completed a similar trip twice, and needs a way home. Even better was that the route across the lower territories would veer north to cross the Sierras at the pass just south of Lake Tahoe. A rudimentary road from the Ponderosa already intersects with this route, making it a perfect solution.2<\/sup><\/p>\n

Having heard nothing, he\u2019d assumed he hadn\u2019t been chosen, but was notified of his selection the day after his graduation. The offer and acceptance were instantly completed, considering our times, and he leaves for home next Monday, promising to send wires when he can to keep us appraised of his expected arrival.<\/p>\n

It takes us over a day to reach that intersection, so we\u2019ll head over once we have a date and camp until he arrives.<\/p>\n

My awe over this opportunity, was immediately followed by panic at the narrowed schedule for preparation. Yet everything is already in order, needing only upkeep.<\/p>\n

So, why am I nervous?<\/p>\n

The saddest possible outcome of this is that if I can\u2019t stop my rushing thoughts, I will end up scrutinizing his every word and action, thus causing the outcome I predict!<\/p>\n

I pray to shut these thoughts away, yet lack the submission in my will to do so.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Faulty Memories (Joe\u2019s Confusion)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Listening to everyone talk about my brother coming home makes me breathe so fast I get dizzy! Nothing is done without considering how it\u2019ll impress Adam.<\/p>\n

Even in town, I\u2019m told how excited I should be. Miss Jones tells me each day how wonderful it will be to see him and hear about his adventures in Boston. Her eyes flutter like she\u2019s got something stuck in one when she says I\u2019m so lucky to have a brother so \u201cwell-traveled.\u201d It\u2019s like I \u00a0don\u2019t matter except for being the younger brother of the \u201csmartest person she has ever known.\u201d<\/p>\n

My heavy sighing about this doesn\u2019t come from not wanting him home, it\u2019s that I don\u2019t remember Adam anymore. How can I tell that to anyone? I close my eyes, trying to remember what he looks like, but nothing comes. When Adam left, he said he\u2019d be gone a long time. What he should have said was he\u2019d be gone forever, just like Mama. I actually told this to Pa a few weeks ago and he said it wasn\u2019t true. Pa doesn\u2019t lie, but there\u2019s something about this that smells fishy? When I can\u2019t picture him, I\u2019m afraid it\u2019s because he doesn\u2019t exist anymore. Pa takes us to pay respect each year on Mama\u2019s birthday, but I\u2019m terrified that this year, I\u2019ll find another grave, or at least Adam\u2019s marker.<\/p>\n

Pa might not lie, but he might be stuck not knowing how to tell me the truth. He was so sad after Mama died, if something has happened to Adam, he probably just couldn\u2019t say it out loud: at least to me, knowing it would hit me hardest. I\u2019m afraid that about the time Adam\u2019s supposed to get \u201chome,\u201d Pa will finally tell everyone that something happened to him and he ain\u2019t coming back except in our memories.<\/p>\n

I know that\u2019s stupid! But sometimes, when I want to think of my brother, and I can\u2019t, I get terrified of what he\u2019ll think of me when he does get home. There is one thing that\u2019s good. I can recall Adam\u2019s voice. I\u2019ve dreamed about him lots, and even more lately. The problem is he\u2019s a voice without a face.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve hung my hope on a Bible story Pa often recalls when he does our Sunday talks. There\u2019s no preacher living here, just one who comes through every few months to hold service at the school in Cass\u2019 storehouse. He makes every story end with how we must repent or go to hell. If I only heard his talks, I\u2019d be sure I could never be good enough for heaven. But Pa\u2019s says I gotta think of God as my father, and heaven as a home I\u2019ll go to one day, not because I\u2019m perfect, but because this Father loves me, is. My own Pa ain\u2019t perfect, but if God\u2019s like him, I\u2019ll be happy.<\/p>\n

The story Pa likes so much is the Good Shepherd. It\u2019s didn\u2019t make sense to me at first because in these parts, sheep ain\u2019t thought of highly. When I asked Pa why, he said sheep ain\u2019t the problem: it\u2019s bad shepherds. Cattle ranchers and farmer rely on grass to feed their animals, and most of those critters eat only so far down, letting it grow back quick. But if big flocks of sheep come in, they gnaw it so short, it can\u2019t grow back.<\/p>\n

Shepherds in the old times had small flocks they could keep moving so that didn\u2019t happen. The best part was the good shepherds named each of their sheep and called them by that. They protected their flocks and when the shepherd called them, they knew his voice and came running. The sheep knew this one guy\u2019s voice so well, they didn\u2019t respond to anyone else.<\/p>\n

I know Adam\u2019s voice right off when he talks in my dreams. And even though I don\u2019t recall his face or much of what we did together, his voice makes me feel safe. It settles me if I\u2019m having a bad dream. That seems familiar, but I don\u2019t know why. Sometimes I hear his voice singing to me. He must have done that at one time too.<\/p>\n

After Mama died, Pa disappeared for some time when he got too sad to stay put. Hoss has told me how Adam was the one who took care of us during those times. That sounds familiar, but not enough to remember it clear. And then, Adam went away \u2026 just like Mama had.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Pa explained why he was gone, but none of it made sense because I didn\u2019t want him gone. It got easier to not think about him. And now \u2026 he\u2019s lost in my brain.<\/p>\n

When people ask if I\u2019m excited about him getting here, I just nod. I\u2019m not excited. I know he\u2019ll hate me for forgetting him. It\u2019s even worse because I chose that way to remember him \u2026 I mean chose to not remember him \u2026 which means it\u2019s my fault that I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I need to hear his voice before seeing him, and find out if I\u2019m like a sheep. If I am, then I should remember everything.<\/p>\n

Anyway \u2026 Pa wants to meet Adam where he gets dropped off. Having to face him out there makes me want to throw up, so I\u2019m gonna say I\u2019m sick when the time comes. My stomach is tied up bad, so it\u2019s not a lie.<\/p>\n

Hmmm. All my thinking has me wondering something else. Lately I wonder if Adam coming home is bothering Pa more than making him happy. Sometimes when he mentions it, he looks more like he\u2019s got a sour stomach and needs a bicarbonate. What he \u201csays\u201d sounds right, but he acts like he does when he\u2019s bad worried.<\/p>\n

He was like that a couple months back when Hoss was late getting back after riding out alone to look for a calf the men said was missing from his mama in the near pasture. It was way past suppertime and getting dark when Pa sent a couple men out to look for him. He tried to pretend he wasn\u2019t worried, even saying it was better to send several men than trying to find Hoss alone, and repeating that Hoss had gotten interested in something along the way, and would be along shortly. But his words came while pacing the floor, and looking at the clock and out the door every few minutes. He was a different man once he finally heard horses, and saw Hoss with the men riding into the yard.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s nice to our ranch hands, even though he hollers if they do something that could hurt another hand or the steers.\u00a0 But the last few days Pa\u2019s been shouting so rapid-fire at everyone about getting something done for Adam\u2019s homecoming, it sounds like he\u2019s shooting at bottles on the corral fence. I can\u2019t figure whether he\u2019s worried about Adam not getting home, or if that he will, and be mad if things aren\u2019t perfect.<\/p>\n

Hoss is the only one who\u2019s happy. I\u2019m jealous! It\u2019s not fun having a stomach so wiggly, I could use bicarbonate too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Shaken, Not Stirred (Adam on the road)<\/strong><\/p>\n

It will take a week on solid ground before I stop feeling like I\u2019m swaying. I \u00a0don\u2019t know the explanation for the phenomenon, but some motion leaves such a strong imprint in your brain, it takes time for the feeling to subside even after the stimulus ends.<\/p>\n

When this stage stops long enough to get out, I weave side-to-side like a drunken sailor on deck in a hurricane. As the trip has gone on, this sensation lingers longer and will return even after adjusting to solid ground. \u00a0Grandfather explained this as being the reason so many sailors walk wide-legged and unsteadily on land after a voyage. I\u2019ve experienced this to a lesser degree after a day on a horse.<\/p>\n

Our brain must adjust our balance when the motion we\u2019re experiencing doesn\u2019t correspond to what we see: like when you see a stable horizon, but your body is moving in direct contrast to that. This adaptation allows people to remain upright on the deck of a ship buffeted by the sea\u2019s waves and swells, or in my case, getting used to the ship-like glide of this coach or the bounce of a horse. On this trip I have become aware that if a person\u2019s brain can\u2019t make this transition, they remain constantly nauseated. The condition known as seasickness can happen anywhere the eye and mind don\u2019t work together.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not complaining. I\u2019d put up with most anything to be home in weeks rather than months. Still, I am thankful to be nearing the end of the odyssey. The coach is not only cramped with six men, it has become almost intolerable due to the odors trapped inside. With no time allotted for bathing at our stops, the underlying conditions couldn\u2019t improve. We\u2019d decided that changing our clothing was meaningless and we should keep the clean things for the end when a bath will fix things. Adding to our body odor, is the noxious gas created in our guts from consuming way station fare where meat dishes are stretched with cabbage, turnips, and onions: filling and tasty to consume, while producing horrific after effects.<\/p>\n

But worst at this time, is the lingering odor of one man\u2019s stomach contents being expelled regularly because he has failed to develop that important positional equilibrium. The body of the coach rests on straps or slings that are bolted to the frame. This design was used hoping to produce a \u201csmoother\u201d ride, akin to a boat floating on smooth water. However, no conditions we\u2019ve encountered have been anywhere near smooth, meaning these slings leave us jolting around like we\u2019re in a continuous storm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Even so, five of us adapted, while one man has remained in a constant state of upheaval. \u00a0This poor soul is not only sick, he\u2019s starving because the food consumed on solid ground, won\u2019t stay down long enough to digest once back in the maelstrom in the coach. He\u2019s a decent guy with a weak stomach, who feels badly about his condition. Our only option is to deal with it as kindly as we can.<\/p>\n

The drivers, realizing his dilemma and our discomfort, provided him with a covered bucket so he\u2019d stop vomiting on our feet. A good plan in theory, but less than effective since the coach jolting on the bad roads made him miss the receptacle as often as hit it. We\u2019ve tried helping, but that has raised the deposited slurry from our feet to our shirt cuffs and coat sleeves as we hold the bucket or direct his head. The coach is fermenting now that we\u2019ve reached warmer weather.<\/p>\n

This is one of those problems Overland will need to address for future trips with paying customers. I wonder if they could carry bicarbonate or a tonic to settle stomachs. The only thing they offered us, was a second bucket with wet rags to help clean up. The situation is beyond redemption at this point, with deposits embedded in places no wet rag can reach.<\/p>\n

One grace that has kept me from giving up and walking home, is that the drivers allow me to ride up in the luggage rack if the weather is good and the road isn\u2019t so bad that I\u2019d fly off. \u00a0None of the others have the agility or fearlessness to climb and hold on up there. I\u2019d have let them tie me to the roof rails to get fresh air for a few miles.<\/p>\n

Something I\u2019d worried about prior to the trip was the effects of sitting for so much of the time. I grew a couple inches at school, and stayed physically strong by walking and running on campus, and then helping Grandfather and working at a livery and the chandlery over the summers. I needn\u2019t have worried. The conditions inside the coach curtailed my appetite, and the ride itself proved a constant physical workout. The outcome is that I lost weight \u2026 fast.<\/p>\n

Grandfather\u2019s housekeeper graciously modified my two sets of pants and coats just before I left to make them fit better. Even with the alterations, I had to start grabbing my pants a week into the trip, so they didn\u2019t slip down when jumping from the stage. Luckily, a station man in Colorado saw me holding my pants up and punched extra holes in my belt.<\/p>\n

The good news, is the odors, sleepless miles, bad food, and assisting the coach up slippery hills and out of mudholes, will soon be a memory. The driver confirmed that I can start counting hours instead of days to my destination. I sent a wire home last week with a probable arrival date, but with no time to await a reply, I\u2019m not sure what to expect when we get to the crossroad.<\/p>\n

Pa might be there, but with a nebulous arrival, I might find a horse and supplies at the intersection to get home on my own.<\/p>\n

I heave a silent sigh considering that I\u2019ve dreamed of coming home since the day I left with Professor Metz. Yet now I\u2019m experiencing similar feelings to those I had when I went away. This time in reverse.<\/p>\n

Boston became my home too. I never lost sight of where I needed to be once I graduated, but a couple weeks ago, I said goodbye to the family I was blessed to have in absentia from Pa and my brothers. I especially miss Grandfather. We became close. I got to know my mother in his house. She lived in his stories! I visited her grave, and met women who\u2019d been her friends. I felt Pa\u2019s presence in Boston too, since there are still sailors around who had served on The Wanderer with a young Ben Cartwright.<\/p>\n

I also left behind a lovely woman I hope to marry one day. I even proposed. Not because I envisioned returning home with a bride, but so we\u2019d be promised while each taking care of unfinished business. Hers was attending college to become an educator. For me \u2026 I needed to get back to the three people who have never left my heart.<\/p>\n

She refused, reasoning that I was feeling the pressure of our separation and trying to tie up loose ends that were so far in the future that they simply couldn\u2019t be laced together yet. She explained, \u201cMarriage shouldn\u2019t be seen as a future \u2018obligation.\u2019 It needs to freely entered after we complete our plans.\u201d She felt things could change so rapidly while apart, she didn\u2019t want either of us kept from experiencing it all, which might be possible if we were promised to a set future.\u00a0 It makes sense now, but hurt badly at the time. We parted believing that if we are destined to marry each other, we will be brought together at the right time and place. Maybe it\u2019s not the stuff of a great love story, but then again, maybe it will be.<\/p>\n

My excitement to get home grows with each mile subtracted from the total trip. Yet intermingled with the excitement, is another reversal of my trip away. When leaving home, I worried I wouldn\u2019t fit in out east. Now I worry whether I\u2019ll fit in here, since my family got used to life without me.<\/p>\n

Five\u2014closer to six\u2014years is a long time. I\u2019ve grown up \u2026 changing physically while also becoming my own decision maker. Pa may expect things will be as before. If I don\u2019t look and act as I did, will there be problems with us getting along? Sometimes I see my reflection, surprised by the person looking back. It makes me wonder whether my family will recognize the person looking back.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s further worry of a different kind. Every letter from Pa referenced changes he\u2019s made at home. \u00a0I fear disappointing him if I\u2019m not able to spot them, or even worse, not react in the way he expects. It\u2019s not that I didn\u2019t want to keep all this information at the ready. But school required so much concentration and memorization, I put things aside that weren\u2019t absolutely necessary to remember at the time. \u00a0What if I\u2019ve lost those memories instead of storing them?<\/p>\n

And finally, taking all these things together, I fear and grieve that my relationship with my father may never be as strong as it was. Pa and I did everything together for 17 years. Will we find a way to breach the changes and work as a team again? Will he want or respect my ideas, or worse, might he resent them? In turn, will I resent not having a greater say now that I\u2019ve learned so much about so many things.<\/p>\n

I expect the first few days will be spent circling each other, gaging the changes and determining if we can get past them. He\u2019ll watch my reactions to the changes I see, and I\u2019ll observe his response to my thoughts on things. I also expect it will start as soon as I step off the stage, so it will be complicated by my exhaustion from this trip. Whether I find a horse waiting or Pa and my brothers there to welcome me, I will advocate for one night camping under the stars on the way home to restore my mind and soul to the land while my brain stops telling me the ground is swaying under my feet.<\/p>\n

What I pray for is that Pa will be happy with me, and will value the differences compared to the boy he sent to school.<\/p>\n

Will he?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Lie Based on Truth (Little Joe)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pa and Hoss just left to meet Adam. They took a wagon cuz they aren\u2019t sure when the stage will arrive, and they\u2019ll need gear and supplies to camp until it does. \u00a0I thought sure Pa would be happy now that everything is ready. But he still looks mad and sort\u2019a scared.<\/p>\n

With me feeling sick and Pa acting like he\u2019s dreading this as much as wanting it, Hoss is still the only one acting like he always does. He talked about how good it\u2019ll be to see Adam, and how he \u201cdon\u2019t care if he\u2019s changed some or looks different.\u201d My middle brother says he\u2019d be more surprised if our older brother hasn\u2019t changed, than that he has. \u201cWouldn\u2019t be natural to go through all he has and not be different for it,\u201d is how he put it. He made me laugh when explained that if Adam\u2019s \u201cdifferent\u201d shows up \u201cas him being intolerable,\u201d then he\u2019ll take our brother down a peg or two, reminding him a little more about who he was before he got all this new stuff added to his brain.<\/p>\n

He\u2019ll do it too! Hoss speaks truth better than anyone. It\u2019s not the angry kind of truth that cuts deep without needing to be so harsh. If Hoss tells someone a truth that hurts, it\u2019s because he\u2019s caught them being thoughtless.<\/p>\n

Pa made me dizzy running back and forth like he was sure he was forgetting something important. It\u2019s like he\u2019s expecting the King of Boston to get off that stage. I guess Adam graduated with lots of awards and stuff, but none of them were a crown. Still \u2026 if there is a king on that stage \u2026 Pa will be ready for him!<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Hoss\u2019 only concern was whether Hop Sing was sending enough food. How can he be so calm and happy.<\/p>\n

In the middle of Pa\u2019s rushing around, I came downstairs holding my stomach, saying I might chuck my breakfast. I\u2019d put on my heavy jacket and wrapped up in a blanket long enough so I\u2019d be sweaty and my forehead would feel warm, but he never checked. After a quick looking over, he said it best to stay behind. Fact is, he seemed relieved. Maybe it was one less thing to worry about. He took me aside before they left and said to rest up, but to keep up with chores if I felt well enough, and not make any mess. He squeezed my shoulder before trotting to the wagon, with only a quick turn and smile once he was in the seat.<\/p>\n

I ran upstairs and listened from my window after that. Pa told our foreman Hugh the same thing as me about keeping the place clean as possible and then he told Hoss to get moving.<\/p>\n

Pa must\u2019a seen that I wasn\u2019t exactly lying, even if I wasn\u2019t exactly truthful either. Worrying about the day Adam gets off that stage lodged a rock in my stomach that keeps me from eating or sleeping well. Lately I dream about Adam calling my name from a shadow, asking why I stopped remembering him. I wake up thrashing, trying to put a face to that voice, but I still can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing knows I\u2019m \u201cscared sick,\u201d more\u2019n sick – sick. He\u2019s asked what\u2019s bothering me a few times since Pa left, but with him being so close to Adam before he went away, he\u2019d think me horrible for forgetting him.<\/p>\n

I do feel better now that Pa and Hoss are gone. Even if Adam is there waiting, they\u2019ll still be gone at least three days.<\/p>\n

Miss Jones gave us a spelling word last week to show the \u201cI before E\u201d rule. It was \u201creprieve.\u201d She said it means that you get a break from something you aren\u2019t looking forward to happening, at least for a short time. I got a three-day reprieve from having to face Adam. It isn\u2019t long, but as Pa and Hoss drove off, I started feeling hungry and could breathe better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Waiting (Hoss and Ben)<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve been here three days now, Pa. Are you plannin\u2019 to wait no matter how long it takes?\u201d I ask as I search the southeast horizon for any sign of wagon dust. The days have passed slow since we made it here. Pa said to bring books and some whittling pieces to pass the time. There\u2019s never a chance to do things like that at home, but with nothing but time to do them out here, I\u2019m kind\u2019a tired of doing them already.<\/p>\n

I done some explorin\u2019 each day too, using the horse we brought alone in case we have to leave before Adam gets here. We\u2019re beyond the southeast part of the lake, where we don\u2019t often come. I sniffed out a few caves not far from here and saw some interestin\u2019 critters out and about. The grass this far south is good in spring, but it\u2019s hot here in the summer, and everything will be brown by July. Pa and me took the wagon off a ways to search for box canyons for winter shelter if our herd gets big enough one day to need \u201coptions,\u201d as he put it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll stay as long as the food holds out,\u201d Pa finally tells me, and then laughs. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t want Adam to find you starved to death.\u201d He joins me looking south, and I\u2019m betting he wishes he\u2019d see dust as much as I do. Then he added, \u201cIf he isn\u2019t here by tomorrow, we\u2019ll leave the horse we trailed, a saddle, and supplies. But let\u2019s pray he comes soon. It will be hard to leave without him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWon\u2019t Shine* starve if he\u2019s tied up?\u201d I ask without really thinking it through.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s plenty of grass, and he\u2019s got a water hole nearby,\u201d Pa says with a smile. \u201cYou might not remember that Adam trained Shine to stay put. Even if he does wander off a bit to eat, he\u2019ll recognize Adam\u2019s voice. I\u2019ll leave a note with the supplies telling him to whistle if Shine is off exploring.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI should\u2019a remembered that. But \u2026 Pa,\u201d I tell him with some worry. \u201cI whistled for Shine a few times when I used him, and he acted like he forgot what that meant. What if he don\u2019t come fer Adam either.\u201d<\/p>\n

This causes Pa to smile again. \u201cShine responds to Adam\u2019s<\/em> voice and his<\/em> whistle. To our ears, whistles sound similar, but animals must hear so much better, they can distinguish one from the other. It\u2019s been a while, but he\u2019ll remember what to do. Watch him once Adam\u2019s home, and you\u2019ll see his ears pick up every time Adam speaks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy does that sound familiar, Pa? I never thought too much about it, but my horse comes when I call him too, and I can tell his whinny apart from all the others in the corral.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re thinking of the gospel** where Jesus says, \u2018I know mine and mine know me,\u2019 in the story of the Good Shepherd. Lots of adages and sayings we use regularly are adapted from scripture because most people understand their meaning.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about do unto others what you would have them do unto you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I offer, \u201cOh, maybe doing hard work by the sweat of your brow, or fallin\u2019 from grace?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely. And when it comes to you, Little Joe, and Adam, there\u2019s, my brother\u2019s keeper<\/em>. You probably think I\u2019m as old as Methuselah. Calling someone a scapegoat when they\u2019re blamed for something bad or a Jonah when they seem to bring bad luck come to mind too. The one I like is when someone says you\u2019re a man after their own heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

While I\u2019m trying to remember others, I see what makes my heart take off. Pointing, I holler louder than intended. \u201cDust, Pa! Somethin\u2019s comin\u2019!\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa sounded easy while talkin\u2019 a minute a go, but I see him change instantly as he shields his eyes against the sun. When he spots what I do, his face turns hard as the rocks around us, and I start to worryin\u2019. Part of me says it\u2019ll be best if I get to Adam first, say welcome home, and then step back so him and Pa can be alone. But a voice in my brain is telling me I should stay close because something is off.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Is Three a Crowd? (Hoss)<\/strong><\/p>\n

It took forever for that cloud of dust to show what was causin\u2019 it. I\u2019ve seen a stage coach when we were in San Franciso. They run a few miles between cities on the coast, but Pa says that if the trip Adam\u2019s on goes well, they\u2019ll become a common sight throughout the West. The one comin\u2019 towards us is shaped some different, but it\u2019s surely what we\u2019ve been waiting for. My smile is so big it\u2019s hurtin\u2019 my cheeks, and I\u2019m kind\u2019a bouncin\u2019 up and down with excitement. A quick glance at Pa shows me he\u2019s frozen like a statue.<\/p>\n

The driver atop the big coach begins to slow the four-horse team well before getting here. That lets the dust catch up to it, makin\u2019 a cloud I can\u2019t see through until it slows enough to where the wheels ain\u2019t blowing dirt everywhere.<\/p>\n

When he finally brings the thing to a stop, he waves, and shouts, \u201cYou two waiting on someone?\u201d before laughing. \u201cAdam will be as happy to get out of this torture chamber as you are to have him home.\u201d The guy speaking turns to his partner on the driver\u2019s seat and back at us. \u201cIf you\u2019re Mr. Cartwright, then let me say how much we both appreciated having your son as a passenger. He\u2019s a fine man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa offers his thanks along with a salute. Stage coaches and prairie schooners get talked about like ships sometimes, so he might see these men as captains.<\/p>\n

The drivers untie the canvas ropes on the roof to get my brother\u2019s case and bag, handing them down to me, as the coach door finally cracks open. I try to see inside, but it\u2019s shadowed so much I can\u2019t make nothin\u2019 out except a bunch\u2019a legs.<\/p>\n

Three men sort\u2019a ooze out in succession and jump down once they\u2019s free of the tangle in there, and take their time stretchin\u2019 and yawning before sayin\u2019 hello to us. \u00a0Two more guys follow, and finally Adam\u2019s head pops out the door and his hands grip the frame to make his jump. At least I assume it\u2019s Adam since that coach only holds six people according to what Pa told me. But the face lookin\u2019 down at us makes my jaw fall open. A quick look lets me see Pa\u2019s mouth is hangin\u2019 too. I do another count of the guys on the ground, and it adds up to this bein\u2019 Adam, although my eyes are saying it can\u2019t be him.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thinking he\u2019ll look more like himself once he\u2019s on the ground, but when his feet settle and he stands to face me, I\u2019m still staring and gaping. The difference is that now he\u2019s starin\u2019 back at me with his jaw droopin\u2019 too. And then Adam and me start to laughin\u2019 at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou done changed some,\u201d I finally get out as I hurry forward with my hand out for a hearty shake. The shake turns into a bear hug as I lift him up. He\u2019s some taller, his face is a little wider and he just looks different, partly because he\u2019s sportin\u2019 a growth of whiskers from the trip. His shape is different too with wider shoulders, yet he ain\u2019t any heavier than I remember. It\u2019s like his weight shifted around so he looks like a man instead of a kid! And doggone if he don\u2019t look smarter too.<\/p>\n

While I\u2019m still tryin\u2019 to put words to what I\u2019m seeing, he croaks out, \u201cI expected you\u2019d grow some, Hoss. But I didn\u2019t expect you to be as tall as the pines and strong as the mountains they grow on!\u201d He tries to laugh and finally squeaks out, \u201cPut me down before you bust my ribs!\u201d<\/p>\n

I kind\u2019a drop him and we both do a head to toe look of each other before we bust out laughing again. \u201cIf I done changed so much, how\u2019d you even recognize me?\u201d I ask while sucking in a decent breath.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe important parts don\u2019t change, Hoss,\u201d he tells me in a softer voice that the rest of those guys can\u2019t hear. \u201cI\u2019d recognize your smile anywhere; your voice has deepened, but the way you speak remains the same, and your eyes are still as blue as the summer sky. You\u2019re probably seeing the things you remember most about me too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYer right! You got them eyes that can look greenish brown, or sometimes, like when you were hoppin\u2019 mad at us, they got nearly black.\u201d<\/p>\n

He nods and looks around, one cheek risin\u2019 like he\u2019s confused, while he steps a little closer. \u201cI see Pa waiting patiently, but not Little Joe. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s changed even more than you, but by process of elimination, he\u2019s not here. Is he off exploring?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe weren\u2019t feeling too good and stayed back to rest up.\u201d I was about to say more about how our youngest brother\u2019s been actin\u2019 skittish about the idea of Adam getting home, just to warn him that something might be goin\u2019 on in that kid\u2019s head. But Pa\u2019s making his way over.<\/p>\n

I expected him to grab Adam tight and not let go for some minutes, but instead he shakes hands and says, \u201cWelcome home, Son.\u201d They ain\u2019t lettin\u2019 go of each other\u2019s hands, and maybe he ain\u2019t doin\u2019 or sayin\u2019 more because Pa\u2019s not one to make scenes in front of strangers. But this cool welcome is turning Adam\u2019s eyes dark like I just mentioned, and a look of confusion borderin\u2019 on disappointment flashes across his face when he looks over at me.<\/p>\n

Pa and Adam were always close as two peas sittin\u2019 in a pod, so this somber \u201cwelcome home\u201d seems strange.<\/p>\n

What hurts my heart as I watch, is I sense Adam wants a bear hug from Pa more\u2019n anything.<\/p>\n

This just got even stranger! I was still expectin\u2019 Pa to sort\u2019a gather Adam closer and say a private welcome. But after a quick, stiff-armed pat on the shoulder he walked away to ask the stage drivers if they\u2019d like to use our campsite for the night before attempting the mountain pass. The one says there\u2019s enough daylight to make the relay station closest to the pass, and they\u2019ll start over the mountain come dawn. Then he called the others to get aboard.<\/p>\n

The five guys shake our hands and give Adam some friendly shoves and back slaps, recalling a few \u201cincidents\u201d on the trip, and then wish him luck before packing back into the coach.<\/p>\n

With a whistle to the team, and a shout goodbye to us, the driver manning the reins moves the horses in a wide arc westward, and they\u2019re away. \u00a0We stand watching and before long, they\u2019re no more than a cloud of trailing dust. With nothin\u2019 more to watch, the three of stare at one another in silence.<\/p>\n

Five years of Pa adding a request for this day to come onto our supper prayers, have been answered, yet the joy of it seems to have crawled into that coach and is headin\u2019 towards the horizon. Pa looks like he got punched in the stomach with no air left to talk, and Adam \u2026 well \u2026 he might \u00a0be wishin\u2019 he was on that coach that\u2019s carryin\u2019 Pa\u2019s joy.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d pictured this day so different. Men don\u2019t say they love each in words, but they tell it other ways. Why isn\u2019t Pa saying how much he missed Adam, and that he\u2019d wanted this day since he watched the wagon leave for Boston? And with nothin\u2019 comin\u2019 from Pa, Adam don\u2019t know what to say neither.<\/p>\n

Things get harder as the seconds tick by in silence, and I\u2019m getting to feel like fire ants crawled inside my pant legs and are biting me.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam,\u201d I say to break into the walls of the triangle created by the way we\u2019re standin\u2019. \u201cLet\u2019s get your stuff on the wagon and go home. Hop Sing can\u2019t wait to see you, and Little Joe\u2019s surely feeling better by this time. Pa and I got everything set just in case. If we keep good time, and have some moonlight, we\u2019ll get home in time for breakfast.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes track from me to Pa. \u201cI\u2019m looking forward to getting all the way home, but could we travel until dusk and stop for the night?\u201d He gives us a nervous smile before going on. \u201cWe\u2019d need to slow down a lot once it\u2019s dark, so we won\u2019t lose that much time by stopping.\u201d He looks towards me. \u201cYou got a glimpse of the uncomfortable conditions in that stage, and I hate to admit my weakness in saying I\u2019m so tired and glad to be out of there, I\u2019d sure appreciate stretching out in the fresh air under the stars for a few hours sleep before finishing the trip. I\u2019m anxious to see everyone, but I don\u2019t want to doze off while talking to them.\u201d<\/p>\n

He smiled again and winked, something I remember him doing all the time when he was making a serious point so it didn\u2019t seem quite so serious. Then he added, \u201cIf we can find a puddle near where we camp, I\u2019ll jump in for a bath so I can tolerate myself again. Besides being cramped inside that coach, conditions had become highly aromatic. Hoss gets high praise for keeping his nose from twitching; his face from not registering my stench, and for not gagging during that hug.\u00a0 I kept my set of clean clothes in hopes of washing up.\u201d<\/p>\n

That made me laugh. I noticed he smelled like a cowpie warmed by the noon sun, but then I smell pretty ripe anytime I work hard and don\u2019t get a bath. \u201cSounds good to me, if Pa agrees. You do look run hard and put away wet. And it would be best not to fall asleep talking to anyone. They\u2019d see you as rude as well as stinky.\u201d<\/p>\n

My answer even made Pa laugh. \u201cThat is a good plan,\u201d he said. \u201cWe brought Shine along to leave behind in case we\u2019d have to go home before the stage came, so Hoss can ride ahead in the morning to let Hop Sing know we\u2019re on the way. Knowing that man, his intuition will have alerted him anyway, but he can plan for a time to serve his feast.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa turns my way. \u201cDo you recall a spring-fed pool a few hours north?\u201d I nod my agreement. \u201cCan we make that by dusk?\u201d He asks. I nod again. \u201cAdam can snooze in the wagon if he needs to, and once we arrive, we\u2019ll cook up a feast of our own while he cleans up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me and Adam still seem stuck to the ground, until Pa hollers to get moving. He ain\u2019t mad though. His eyes are twinkling, so I figure whatever had him frozen at first has started to thaw.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Regrowing a Few Roots (Adam)<\/strong><\/p>\n

While I\u2019d worried about today, I suspect Pa was even more uneasy. Thank heaven for Hoss. He often claims he isn\u2019t smart, but that isn\u2019t true except when he gets taken in by our youngest brother. Where I saw his intelligence at work today was is recognizing what he saw happening \u2026 or more properly \u2026 what wasn\u2019t happening between me and Pa. I watched his expression when our father\u2019s words seemed less than excited at seeing me, and how the absence of any real physical welcome left us standing stiff and silent after the stage left. There was a moment when I wondered if I should run after it, and then, if Pa was hoping I would.<\/p>\n

But Hoss knew he had to get us talking. Not about anything important, just about stinky bodies and validating the fact that I looked ready to fall asleep upright. It felt normal: like there hadn\u2019t been so many years separating this conversation from the last.<\/p>\n

My hope for sleeping under a starry sky tonight has proven more spectacular than I imagined. I drink it in like a thirsty deer at a stream. \u00a0The evening is nearly cold, but I\u2019ve trapped a little leftover warmth in the ground I\u2019m resting on: enough to soothe the cramped muscles in my back. The blanket I left warming by the fire before turning in, is keeping me comfortable, and my feet, now in clean socks, are resting on a hot rock taken from the ring around the blaze. This may not be a comfortable bed with the sheets smelling like Hop Sing\u2019s soap and fresh air, but tonight it welcomes me home in ways that nothing else could.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny how some memories return instantly. I know Hoss is asleep because I hear his gurgly snore. It\u2019s deeper in tone, and more voluminous than when I left, but I\u2019d know it was my brother even in a room full of snoring men. Pa\u2019s breathing has become regular too, a sure sign he\u2019s drifted off. He snores too, but not until later when he\u2019s deeply asleep. Rather than annoying me or being the cause of my wakefulness, they provide comfort just like the warm ground, blanket, and rock.<\/p>\n

Hoss always snored, even as a little kid. I\u2019d smash the pillow over my head while tossing and turning, until I learned that when you can\u2019t change something, you can learn to live with it and even appreciate it. When still home, I\u2019d time my breathing to his for a while if I couldn\u2019t sleep, and pretty soon I\u2019d be out cold.<\/p>\n

While away, when I couldn\u2019t stop reviewing a particularly harried day or my brain would not shut down after studying for a test, I\u2019d imagine Hoss\u2019 rhythmic snore to block out that \u201cnoise\u201d inside my head. It always worked.<\/p>\n

Hearing Pa and Hoss\u2019 distinctive breathing brings a calm end to this strange day. After the awkward beginning, getting organized and headed for home broke though the iciness. \u00a0But things quieted again for a while, until Hoss took the verbal reins while Pa controlled the leather ones.<\/p>\n

My brother\u2019s intuitive soul kept him from beginning an inquisition about my time away. Instead, he talked about how he and Pa looked around while waiting for me, considering whether improving this road might be necessary soon. Then he pointed out canyons we might use if we moved steers down this way, and suggested we come back in fall to see if the grass greens up with cooler temperatures and a little rain. The miles progressed quickly, listening to his thoughts on a cattle breed he\u2019d read about, and his insistence that for him, he was mightily happy to be through with school, followed by his lengthy explanation of what he\u2019d been doing since getting done with Miss Jones. The best part was that he sought my thoughts about some ideas. I knew he was making small talk, not real plans, and I followed his lead in keeping it light natured.<\/p>\n

The one thing I believe he did try to gage, was my reaction to him ending his formal schooling. I suspect he worried that I\u2019d be disappointed in him not sticking it out longer. I assured him that he chose to do as he felt was right, and that not everyone needs the same kind of education. I further assured him that he will learn about topics he has interest in.<\/p>\n

He proved my point immediately by bringing up a half-dozen books he\u2019s already read. There was one about plants that cattle shouldn\u2019t eat and how to identify their behavior if they do; another about managing pastures, and still another with tips to choose the best bulls and heifers for breeding. He hadn\u2019t simply read these. He comprehended the complicated concepts and formulas, and is considering how to adapt them to the circumstances of western ranching.<\/p>\n

We were near the campsite when Hoss switched to stories about my youngest brother, and I became increasingly aware that Hoss is still an easy touch for Little Joe. Just about every adventure they did cooperatively revealed Hoss ending up just feet from the gates of perdition. The funniest part is that he seems unaware, or he doesn\u2019t mind the near-miss nature of his brother\u2019s schemes. If Joe can come up with these plans at age 12, I fear what he\u2019ll figure out at the ripe old age of 15 and beyond.<\/p>\n

As far as I\u2019m concerned, as an educated man<\/em>, I will spot the pitfalls of anything Joe comes up with, and stay clear of being sucked into his tornados of trouble.<\/p>\n

We found the water hole as the sun colored the late afternoon sky a brilliant orange, and I let Pa and Hoss make camp and cook dinner. Grabbing a bar of Hop Sing\u2019s soap from Pa\u2019s kit, I headed directly for the water and gratefully stripped out of my smelly attire. The air and water were warm enough to linger, and the pool was big enough to take a few strokes before turning onto my back and floating in weightlessness.<\/p>\n

When I decided to shave and scrub clean, I found the pool shallow enough to stand in the middle, although the bottom was soft, letting my toes sink into goo. Most people hate that feeling, but today it feels like I\u2019m sending new roots into the fertile mud. The washing finished, I did a quick aroma check of the most offensive areas to ensure success, did a final rinse of my feet as I exited, and found a broad, flat boulder still holding afternoon heat, to lay out flat. It was hard \u2026 as a rock \u2026 but the heat penetrated every muscle and finally eased away the cramping I\u2019d experienced from my neck to my toes the entire trip.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d had to endure the pain in the coach because there was nothing to do about it. Conditions were tight to begin with and I\u2019m taller than most men, so I took up more room to start. Our being packed in there might have been tolerable on flat roads. But these were so rutted and bumpy that even the sling mounting of the coach did little to mitigate the constant jarring. At first, each bump would shoot us upwards to bang the ceiling and drop back like a hammer on an anvil onto barely cushioned seats, sending waves of pain from tailbone to neck. We learned to remain tensed to absorb the shock in our legs and upper back, resulting in less flailing, but frequent cramping in overused muscles.<\/p>\n

I could hear Pa and Hoss getting things set, but I stayed put enjoying the quiet to consider what might coming tomorrow. It\u2019s also been a while since I\u2019ve camped or cooked outside, leaving Pa and Hoss laughing at my city slicker clumsiness. When the aroma of food found my empty stomach causing it to rumble like an approaching thunder storm, I donned my clean clothes and headed over.<\/p>\n

It seemed a wasteful thing when new clothing is still hard to come by out here, but after our meal was removed from the flames, I tossed the bundle of travel clothes into the fire, watching them burn in a symbolic end to the trip.<\/p>\n

A natural, less forced conversation began when our whiskey spiked coffee began to loosen our tongues. Pa teased that he would ask questions about one topic tonight instead of demanding an accounting of my entire time away. True to his word, he starting with questions about the health and wellbeing of Abel. Assured that he is doing well, Pa continued, asking how easily the two of us got past our first meeting. It felt good to talk about my grandfather since he\u2019s been sitting just below the surface of my thoughts the entire trip home.<\/p>\n

When Hoss\u2019 loud yawning became a contagion, Pa declared we should rest up for a start at dawn.<\/p>\n

I ended my recollections by saying I\u2019d truly enjoyed my time with Abel Stoddard. I even mentioned offering him a home with us, if he would be willing to make the trip with me at a more leisurely pace than the way I ultimately chose. He\u2019d considered it, but nothing could persuade him to leave the coast.<\/p>\n

I told Pa, \u201cLike most men who are comfortable with themselves and their life, Grandfather was stuck between his absolute agony at seeing me leave, and his absolute surety that his future remained in Boston.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid Captain Stoddard ask that you stay with him?\u201d Pa asked in as casual way as possible while wiping out his cup and stowing it with the other utensils. His tone didn\u2019t fool me. I\u2019d suspected he\u2019d wonder whether Abel might appeal to our newfound closeness in suggesting I remain in Boston to work at my chosen career.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo \u2026 never,\u201d I assured him truthfully. \u201cHe asked that I consider returning one day for a long visit, and even made a promise that should new means of transportation make travel to the West less like a lengthy expedition, he would visit us.\u201d I thought back to my time in Abel\u2019s home, and smiled. \u201cGrandfather always knew my time with him was limited and that I\u2019d head home again. He often remarked what a good father you must be that despite all I\u2019d come to love in Boston, I would want to be only one place when my education was complete.\u201d<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t see Pa\u2019s face after telling him that, but there was a smile in his voice as he thanked me for treating Able so well. With more yawning beginning to infect our ability to continue, the evening came to an end.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m even more exhausted than earlier, but I can\u2019t quite drift off.<\/p>\n

The cool air made me pull the wool blanket up to my nose, but my head\u2019s still cold. I\u2019m suddenly reminded that the cowhands sleep with their hats perched enough to stay on and add shelter. I don my hat, anchoring the brim on my forehead while allowing a slit between it and the blanket to continue viewing the sky.<\/p>\n

This hat was a going away gift from Grandfather. He made me toss the sweat-stained one I\u2019d been wearing when I arrived, in favor of a cap more suited to Boston life. But Abel recalled me talking about the usefulness of the style I\u2019d worn, with its wide brim keeping the sun off my forehead and neck while working in the open, and directing rain around the trough created by brim to exit away from my back and keep me drier. He presented me with a gray felt Stetson that suits me well, and served as a symbol of my return to a former way of life.<\/p>\n

I wonder what he\u2019d think of the ten-gallon style Hoss has worn for years. Of the many changes that surprised me about my brother today, the hat sitting on his head was a pleasant reminder of his uniqueness. The startling part is that he is already several inches over six feet tall now with the hat adding several more to make him even more formidable, at least until he smiles and ruins the illusion of being tougher than old beef.<\/p>\n

To keep my new headgear from getting crushed, I packed it in the bag that rode atop the stage. When I centered it on my head after retrieving it from my travel bag earlier, the stiffness of the new fabric and band kept it from conforming to the shape of my head as it will after it softens.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m anticipating that this uncomfortable breaking-in period with my hat is an accurate predictor of how my life will feel. It was my decision to leave home, knowing that my family would develop a new way of operating without me. I\u2019m sure to feel like things don\u2019t fit just right in my life for some time. There will be referenced experiences I\u2019ll have had no part in, and with Hoss being too young to step into my role with Pa when I left, my father has surely made plans unilaterally. I\u2019ve no illusion that everything will go smooth as fresh butter, but I\u2019ll do my best to adapt and adjust until we all become comfortable with each other again. Putting this into a proverb and an idiom, I\u2019ll expect that patience will be a virtue, and time will heal the wounds caused by my absence.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, there are \u201cwounds,\u201d even if my family would never admit they have them. I\u2019ll need to listen carefully to what\u2019s not being said as well as to what is. Hopefully that will ease me through what may feel at times like accusations, and keep me from reacting in ways I might regret.<\/p>\n

Chances are I\u2019ll face this head on tomorrow. There\u2019s a reason Joe didn\u2019t come with Pa. Hoss tried to explain and I saw both of them wince anytime I mentioned Joe\u2019s name tonight. I\u2019d worried about how my absence would affect the kid, and I\u2019m now afraid the wounds I caused had a long time to fester. Yet, letters from home gave no indication of trouble. Hoss was honest enough that he would have let something slip between the lines. Hopefully whatever he\u2019s dealing with came up recently.<\/p>\n

Thankfully, the nervousness from the first part of this homecoming was eased by the comfort of a bath, a meal, good conversation, and the starry sky. My back is still tingling from the last of the warmth trapped under me. At least that\u2019s the physical explanation. Yet as I begin to doze off, I wonder if it\u2019s not more of those roots I imagined earlier sending tendrils downward to anchor me home.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Abandoned (Hoss)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Somethin\u2019 just happened I cannot explain. All them nerves that kept Pa from sayin\u2019 much when Adam got here yesterday, eased on the ride to our overnight stop. Adam did good too after gettin\u2019 a bath and something decent in his belly, and we had a real nice evening.<\/p>\n

I got up as the heavy dark waned some towards dawn, and poked life into the coals enough to fry up some bacon and eggs. We all ate quick without sayin\u2019 much more\u2019n how good we all slept and laughin\u2019 at how Adam looked like an agin\u2019 lizard crawlin\u2019 so stiff-like from his bedroll. He said it was good to sleep flat for the first time in some weeks, but that he was still feelin\u2019 all them miles of bein\u2019 tied up like a knot.<\/p>\n

And then, a cool breeze blew through camp. Pa laughed when Adam mentioned the trip home, but then his eyes went squinty and I saw that same sour look wash across his face that has been around for some weeks when he thought no one was watchin\u2019 him. I got the bad feelin\u2019 that Pa was experiencing a stiff spirit over somethin\u2019 Adam said about his stiff body.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s nerves were back. His change in attitude chilled me enough to shiver, but I figured this was \u201cthe day\u201d he\u2019d put so much effort into preparing. What I couldn\u2019t figure, was how anything Adam said could have bothered him.<\/p>\n

Nothin\u2019 more happened just then, and while Adam packed up the camp gear, I went to saddle Shine so I could get goin\u2019 for home like Pa had said yesterday. Just I was grabbin\u2019 the tack from the back of the wagon, Pa took my arm and led me a few paces off, sayin\u2019 he\u2019d decided to go first instead to make sure everything was ready at home.<\/p>\n

I was happy for a second, thinkin\u2019 maybe he had a special surprise in mind for when Adam got there, so I finished saddling Shine and brought him to Pa.<\/p>\n

Adam was tossing the last of the supplies into the wagon when Pa mounted up, and he gave me a questinin\u2019 look, I suppose wonderin\u2019 why I wasn\u2019t on the horse. \u201cPa\u2019s got a few things he needs to check, so he\u2019s goin\u2019 home instead,\u201d I explained, making my brother nod.<\/p>\n

He looked like he was gonna reply to that, but Pa cut him off, sayin\u2019, \u201cI\u2019d suggest you <\/em>go first and surprise everyone, Adam, but you\u2019ve probably forgotten the way by now.\u201d It would\u2019a been funny \u2026 if Pa\u2019s voice hadn\u2019t been dead serious.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s head popped back like he\u2019d been slapped, then looking my way, probably wondering if I\u2019d heard the same tone he had. What he was the same startled expression on my face.<\/p>\n

He forced himself to smile and kept his tone respectful. \u201cIt\u2019d be hard to get lost since the road ends in our yard.\u201d He winked before adding, \u201cI got to know this land pretty well, but I suppose I could get turned around if I\u2019d go off exploring to see all the changes Hoss was telling about yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s cheeks reddened like a beet, and again, I couldn\u2019t figure that response. When he spoke again that same angry voice was there.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re right, Adam,\u201d he cracked out like a shotgun in the still air. \u201cThis road only has one destination, but that\u2019s the problem, isnt\u2019 it? You\u2019ll have to deal with the fact that after making such a miserable trip home, there\u2019s nothing between here and there but grass and dust. You won\u2019t find a big city at the end; no professors or esteemed dignitaries to talk to or receive praises from; no Abel Stoddard or rich roommate\u2019s family catering to your whims. What is there, is a lot of hard work that won\u2019t tap into all that fancy education I paid for. It wouldn\u2019t surprise me if when that does hit home a few miles down this road, you\u2019ll want to cut southwest across all this land you claim to know so well, and catch up with that stage before it gets into the mountains. San Francisco is no Boston, but it has more to offer than this dot on the map called the Ponderosa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam took a step backwards grabbing the side of the wagon for balance, as the words hit him like a load of buckshot square to the chest. He couldn\u2019t say nothin\u2019, but it wouldn\u2019t have mattered since Pa immediately yanked Shine\u2019s reins to the right and mumbled that he\u2019d see us later \u2026 if Adam did decide to finish the trip.<\/p>\n

My brother might be 23, but the look on his face as we climbed onto the wagon seat took me back to our early years here. I was a nubbin back then, and can\u2019t remember much from when we lived winters in a tiny cabin in the high woods near streams where Pa trapped. But one memory did get \u201cburned\u201d in my mind from then.<\/p>\n

It weren\u2019t done on purpose, but when I was three or four-years-old, I jumped into a pile of bedclothes Adam had collected on the floor, intendin\u2019 to air them out in the sunshine while Pa went to check our traps. I skidded forward on landing, and the edges of that bedding pushed forward into the fireplace. I ran off screeching as those thinner parts took a flame before Adam even realized what had happened. It scared me so much; I hid in the corner hollerin\u2019 while Adam tried to stomp out the growing blaze.<\/p>\n

Pa heard the ruckus from outside and came tearin\u2019 in to see my brother stepping out the flames in them blankets. He pulled the rest of the stuff away to keep it from burning, and started yellin\u2019, accusing Adam of bein\u2019 careless because he was mad about bein\u2019 asked to do chores, and how we\u2019d freeze without that quilt and blankets that were damaged. My brother tried to explain, but Pa wouldn\u2019t listen. He seemed blind and deaf, and more worried about that stuff than about his son, never even checking to see if Adam was all right. Adam stood there, \u201cbarefoot,\u201d covered in soot, while Pa laid out a heavy punishment, tellin\u2019 him to get things back into order while he was gone, and then ordered him to get me ready to go with him so\u2019s I be safe.<\/p>\n

What got burned in my mind, was after Adam got me dressed and put a bag together with toys and food, he watched from the door while Pa pulled me away in the sled. I didn\u2019t want to look at him for feeling so awful at lettin\u2019 him take the blame, but I finally glanced back as we pulled out. He was so white and pained lookin\u2019, I thought he was gonna keel over. It stayed with me because I was the one Pa should\u2019a been punishing. Adam must\u2019a felt he\u2019d been kicked out of the family; had nothing left to ever be happy about again, and probably like he\u2019d been set in front of a firing squad and taken a bullet to the heart.3<\/sup><\/p>\n

I told Pa the truth while we was trapping, and I saw him look sick with his mistake. The day got worse when we got home. Adam wasn\u2019t just sad or hurt in his heart; he\u2019d stomped that fire out with bare feet and barelegged, and got burned bad. Still he\u2019d done everything Pa ordered, and even had supper done. The truth started comin\u2019 out when he couldn\u2019t hold a fork cuz his hands were so raw from sewin\u2019 together a new blanket for us out of the tough hide pelts he\u2019d trapped to earn a little money too. Pa had the tools with us, so he\u2019d done it by poking a needle through leather with his bare hand. It was so tough, he poked holes through his fingers too. Then he\u2019d hurt them more scrubbing the floor to get the burn marks out.<\/p>\n

Pa looked sick with worry when he saw Adam\u2019s hands, and was real gentle with him that night. But just like now, neither of them found the right words to say even though they was both hurtin\u2019. It wasn\u2019t done yet. Pa found the blisters on Adam\u2019s legs when he checked him after seeing how restless he was in bed. I heard my brother cryin\u2019 out while Pa washed him up and put salve on them, but pretended to sleep cuz I didn\u2019t know what else to do.<\/p>\n

When I woke up the next morning, Adam was on Pa\u2019s lap in the rocking chair, both sound asleep. Things seemed good between \u2018em when they woke up. Adam spent the next couple days getting\u2019 better, with Pa takin\u2019 good care of him, and as far as I know, he never held a grudge against either of us.<\/p>\n

I asked Adam later why Pa acted like he did, and he said it was cuz our father was scared about what could have happened that day, and it came out sounding angry.<\/p>\n

After watching what\u2019s been going on these last few weeks, I\u2019m guessing Pa\u2019s afraid Adam won\u2019t like bein\u2019 home even after him wanting it for so long. That fear came out sounding just as angry and accusing\u2019 as that day in the cabin. This time Pa can\u2019t fix it by rocking Adam on his lap and sayin\u2019 he\u2019s sorry.<\/p>\n

Those last words made it clear he don\u2019t expect Adam to be in this wagon when it arrives, and that might be just fine with him.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve been on the road for a good amount of time since \u2026. I don\u2019t rightly know what to call what Pa did. Almost felt like he was reading the charges and judgment against him, right before he\u2019d be executed. Adam ain\u2019t said a thing. After a few minutes of sitting ramrod straight and looking ahead, he put his feet on the front edge of the wagon; leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, and lowered his head into his hands. I wasn\u2019t sure what he was doin\u2019, but it looked like he just couldn\u2019t hold himself upright anymore. I thought back to how it looked like he\u2019d been hit by buckshot at Pa\u2019s words, so maybe them wounds had pierced deep enough that he felt he was bleedin\u2019 out. Funny how wounds from words sometimes hurt more\u2019n physical pain.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what to say that he\u2019d want to hear just yet, so I get the team to a good pace, and start to whistln\u2019 quiet-like.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Judging by things we\u2019re passing, it\u2019s been a couple hours of traveling in silence. Adam sat back up a while ago, and slouched onto the seat back. It\u2019s like he\u2019s gone blank and can\u2019t put nothin\u2019 into words. It might not be the right place to start, but I gotta try something.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, Adam,\u201d I say while nudgin\u2019 his elbow with mine. \u201cJust what \u2018whims\u2019 did your granddaddy and that other feller indulge you in? If they were pretty good, I might have to make a trip to Boston myself to get in on a few of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

His head moved slowly in my direction and he started to laugh.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good question! Maybe we should turn this wagon around and go see. I know the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

He got quiet again, but this time I knew he was thinkin\u2019 towards an answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbel has a comfortable life,\u201d he began. \u201cBut there was no extra money to supply me with anything but necessities. Where he did indulge me, was with stories about his life, and his memories of both my mother and Pa. The other people Pa mentioned are the Wadsworths. They are wealthy and had a grand estate, but they were mindful of not providing me with anything that my father couldn\u2019t have given me. They treated me like family but I never withheld that from Pa, and he seemed happy I had people watching over me. They assigned a horse for my use, and when I could ride, I was expected to take care of him rather than dropping him off afterwards for their stable men. If I was invited to an occasion and didn\u2019t have the proper attire, such clothes were loaned to me only for the day. I received birthday and Christmas gifts from Grandfather and the Wadsworth, but they were never pricey. Usually it was books or something I would have gotten for myself to replace what had worn out. I\u2019ve returned with little more in my satchels than I left with.<\/p>\n

He stopped to think. \u201cI was in one of the nicer dorm rooms with Frankie Wadsworth instead of in the third floor, barrack-style halls. But his father arranged that as consideration for me helping Frankie through our courses and teaching him to study. Frankie was a great, fun guy, but an awful student. He taught me how to get along in a society I\u2019d never partaken of, and I helped him graduate as a decent engineer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa knows all that, Adam,\u201d I tell him. \u201cYou were always honest about who you was getting to know and the nice things that happened because you were smart and willin\u2019 to help. He surely didn\u2019t mean any of what he said, but I can\u2019t explain why he said it either. I know fer sure that he missed you every day you were gone. Maybe it\u2019s like that time way back when I started that fire on accident, and you said he sounded mad because he was scared he might\u2019a lost us because he\u2019d got so worried about getting those pelts that he lost sight of what was more important: us kids. \u00a0He’s hoped fer so long to have you back, maybe he\u2019s scared about how things will work out after all that time apart. Instead of saying that, he let his worry talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

He wraps his arm around my shoulders. \u201cYou\u2019re a good brother, Hoss \u2026 and you\u2019re becoming a good man too.\u201d After a tick, he adds, \u201cBut Joe doesn\u2019t want to see me either, and don\u2019t bother denying that. And Pa couldn\u2019t wait to get away from me. I\u2019ve worried about fitting in again, but I never dreamed those worries would be validated so soon. Maybe after all that worry on his part, Pa\u2019s decided he doesn\u2019t want me home after all.\u201d<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a small catch in his voice when he says, \u201cYou are the only one who doesn\u2019t seem upset that I\u2019m back.\u201d<\/p>\n

I want to tell him everything will be fine, but I can\u2019t. What Pa said to him might just come true. Not because they are <\/em>true but because with both Pa and Little Joe leaving Adam feeling unwelcome, they\u2019ll make them come true.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa has had the devil whisperin\u2019 in his ear,\u201d I tell him. \u201cHe\u2019s imagined this for so long that he\u2019s messin\u2019 it up. Like in that fire, he only saw what could\u2019a happened instead of being thankful that everything was fine. He\u2019ll figure it out.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was always the plan that I come home. I never wavered on that for a minute. What more could I have done to make him believe that?\u201d<\/p>\n

I know he\u2019s sayin\u2019 this to himself more\u2019n to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYer doin\u2019 everything right. There\u2019s something you\u2019re not takin\u2019 into account though. Something you<\/em> can\u2019t see, but both me and Pa saw as soon as you stuck yer head out that stage door. It might be what set Pa off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I do something wrong \u2026 act too cocky?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. But the son who got off that stage wasn\u2019t the son Pa pictured all your years away. Pa couldn\u2019t\u2019a predicted how much you\u2019d change. That boy he was expecting home, looked like someone he\u2019d be doin\u2019 business with, not the kid who had done everything he\u2019d ever asked of him without question. I don\u2019t think he was ready for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat sounds reasonable, good prophet, but explain why Joe\u2019s hiding. He hasn\u2019t seen me yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re gonna have to figure that out. He talked about you lots at first. But he stopped as them years counted up. While I grew bigger, I\u2019m the same inside as I was back then. Joe\u2019s as different inside as he looks outside. He acts like he\u2019s sure about everything, but that\u2019s a problem. When you act that way, you can\u2019t ever admit that you\u2019re not sure. Whatever\u2019s botherin\u2019 him, it\u2019s sittin\u2019 heavy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Uncomfortable Ride Home (Ben)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why did I say those things? The question keeps pummeling my mind like cannon balls hitting starboard and portside at the same time, nearly knocking me off this horse. The house is in sight, and the poor animal I\u2019m riding is exhausted from outrunning the demons chasing me.<\/p>\n

Adam is \u2026 well \u2026 he\u2019s amazing! Taller, broader, handsome. Yet everything Abel ever wrote, along with what the stage drivers and his fellow passengers reported, testifies to him being the kind and thoughtful person he was as a boy. There is confidence, or at least there was until my words took it away. I see no swagger based on his accomplishments or arrogance because of his exceptional experiences in Boston either.<\/p>\n

Instead of being thankful that he chose to come home when the world was open to him, I laid the fear of my own inadequacies on his shoulders. The look of betrayal growing on his face which each ugly accusation haunts me. And then I ran away. I don\u2019t think of myself as a coward.<\/p>\n

I was one today.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t me. This isn\u2019t the father I was before or want to be. How could I imply that my son is a pampered snob who will hate us for being who we are and have always been. I must replace those ugly words with ones telling of my absolute pride and complete joy at his safe return. The best course now is to set myself to prayer until he gets here with Hoss, asking for a steadier hand on the tiller of my tongue.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Riding into the yard, I\u2019m filled with gratitude. Everything is in order as I\u2019d asked of the crew. The Ponderosa is displaying a welcome home that I was unable to offer. Even the roses vining up the support posts on the porch are blossoming early. Beyond that, the geraniums in the window box have red blooms stretching towards the mid-day sun. That same sun is glancing off the spotless windows Hop Sing must have had the med climb up and wash, and there\u2019s a fresh scent of pine on the breeze. The perfect setting I\u2019d wished it to be, now occupied by the imperfect man whose words may have ruined everything forever.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing came running at hearing my approach, but gave me a disappointed once-over while inquiring whether my arrival indicates Adam is on the way. He stood a moment, probably hoping I\u2019d show that I share his excitement. I\u2019m still unnerved, and remain mute and barely manage a smile.<\/p>\n

His eyes pull together, delivering his most judgmental expression before he turns and heads back to the house, allowing an enticing aroma to waft into the yard from the kitchen door as he enters. The fact that I can\u2019t distinguish what he\u2019s cooking indicates he has multiple items in preparation, meaning he sensed Adam would arrive today. The feast will be gratefully devoured once Adam arrives, with Hoss leading the men to the tables.<\/p>\n

Little Joe didn\u2019t come outside, making me wonder if he was truly ill rather than uneasy about seeing Adam. Yet Hop Sing expressed no concern regarding him, making me assume all is well. I\u2019ll check him on my way to\u00a0 get a change of clothes and spend a few minutes alone in contrition.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Joe was not in his room, sending me back downstairs before I go ahead with my plans. Passing through the kitchen, I find Hop Sing stirring pots, checking the oven, slicing bread, and peeling potatoes, seemingly all at the same time, and stop to ask, \u201cHow is Joe, and where might he be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe do good after you and Hoss leave. Ate, stay outside most of day, and helped men keep barn clean. Today not good. Got up, went out, no breakfast. Stay outside. Maybe in barn.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think it\u2019s because Adam\u2019s due home soon?\u201d I ask, expecting an honest answer from this honest man.<\/p>\n

He nods, then shrugs. \u201cOldest and youngest sons always good before. Something big on shoulders, but won\u2019t say. Maybe he tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

It takes my eyes a bit to adjust to the shadows in the barn, finally spotting Joe on an overturned pail in his horse\u2019s stall. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on, son?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothin\u2019.\u201d He replies too instantly to be truthful.<\/p>\n

My tone takes a more demanding character as I realize there\u2019s not much time to get to the truth. \u201cIt\u2019s unlike you mope in the dark. And don\u2019t bother denying that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing. I know your expressions. I suspected you weren\u2019t ill the day we left, and Hop Sing confirmed that you were fine until this morning when he started cooking for the homecoming.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was<\/em> fine until today,\u201d he offers. I know he\u2019s being truthful since he looks me in the eyes. \u201cMaybe I\u2019m getting sick for real,\u201d he adds as his eyes drift away into less truthful territory.<\/p>\n

Checking his forehead and finding it normal, I take his hand and walk him to a bench outside to see his color better. \u201cYou are pale,\u201d I conclude. \u201cBut there\u2019s no fever. What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy stomach and head hurt.\u201d His eyes suddenly pop open. \u201cIs Adam here already? I didn\u2019t hear the wagon, but if you\u2019re here, then he must be too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI came ahead on Shine. It\u2019ll take Hoss and Adam longer in the wagon.\u201d The boy\u2019s shoulders relax downwards and a deep sigh brings color back to his cheeks. His response to thinking Adam had arrived leaves me speculative. \u201cWhat I see is a boy who is not anxious to see his brother. So much so, he\u2019s making himself sick. Why is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Whereas the previous answer was given directly, Joe now looks down at his feet while mumbling, \u201cIt\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s fine? So \u2026 you\u2019re simply resigned to the fact that it\u2019s happening?\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a hypocrite. I just ruined my own long-awaited reunion, but maybe I can help Little Joe to not repeat my mistake. \u201cMight you be jealous of the attention being paid to your brother? It\u2019s hard to see everyone so intent on welcoming someone who chose<\/em> to leave us all behind. It\u2019s especially hard when you stayed here and continued working hard. Is it possible you were mad that Adam went away and now he thinks he can just come back like leaving us was no big thing?<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s eyes close and I see his jaw clench as he struggles for words to explain his torment. \u201cYou can tell me anything,\u201d I encourage. It\u2019s time for some honesty on my part. \u201cI\u2019m struggling too, son. See \u2026 I\u2019m not worried that Adam will want things to be just like before. It\u2019s more that things won\u2019t \u2026 can\u2019t \u2026 ever be the same. That puts everything into a state of not knowing what to expect.\u201d<\/p>\n

My youngest continues in silence as I add, \u201cI\u2019ve seen Adam. The truth is that you, Adam, Hoss, and I have all changed during his absence. We look different, and each of us has learned to do new things, while probably handling old things differently too. It will take time to figure out how we get past that. But with patience, we\u2019ll become a better and stronger family than before.\u201d<\/p>\n

He looks up at me, his face pale again. \u201cI\u2019m not jealous, Pa. I was so little when he left, it\u2019s more like I don\u2019t remember much about what either of us was like. And all the stuff going on around here makes me feel kind\u2019a sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

Little Joe doesn\u2019t realize he looks away when he\u2019s slipping into a lie. He\u2019s trying hard, but his eyes are focused just to the side of me. Of the three boys, Adam was the most skilled with staring at me while he fabricated something. Yet at some point, he\u2019d look away and I\u2019d know. Sometimes I\u2019d call him on it immediately, but other times, he learned more when I\u2019d let the lie stand unchallenged while it wormed its way into his soul until he\u2019d confess. By the time he was Joe\u2019s age, he\u2019d come to terms with my ability to smell manure, and realized it was better to pay the price only for his indiscretion, and not add further punishment for the attempt to deceive.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure if Joe is lying or simply doesn\u2019t knows what the truth is. It’s fruitless to push further, so I\u2019ll deal with the effect rather than the cause. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you rest until Hoss and Adam get here. By then you should feel better. Hopefully, about everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

A quick review of what Joe just said reminds me that he confessed to not remembering \u201cmuch\u201d about his older brother. Maybe that\u2019s what this is about. I can\u2019t make that better for him; it\u2019s something he\u2019ll \u00a0need to figure out. I can offer this much, \u00a0\u201cWhatever your uneasy feeling is about Adam\u2019s return will work out, son. For now, it\u2019s time to celebrate. He did ask about you immediately after getting off the stage, and he\u2019s excited to get here and see you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t push back at spending the day in his room, and gave a single nod to my declaration of joy, followed by heading for the house. I\u2019ll give him a few minutes to get in bed, and check on him on my way up to my room. I\u2019m now convinced that his aching stomach and head are really symptoms of his aching heart.<\/p>\n

Like father, like son.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Ride Home Continues. (Hoss)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

It got quiet again after talking about Pa and Joe, but Adam seems to be takin\u2019 in the view, not brooding.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve forgotten how different it is out here,\u201d he says. \u201cFall blazed with oranges and red back east, and went gray over winter. Come spring, tulips, crocuses, and daffodils blossomed even before the snow melted, followed by fruit trees blooming in pinks, reds and white. By summer, everything was green! Here, the bright greens of spring turns gold or browns in the summer heat, and the few deciduous trees turn copper and yellow mixed in with the pines in fall. Yet this color palate is just as beautiful, nearly more striking for its starkness.\u201d I hear him chuckle after that, and he looks my way when I ask what\u2019s so funny.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe Pa was right about me getting lost. Shouldn\u2019t we be at the pasture grass closer to the house by now? Although …\u201d His voice trails off.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou must be feelin\u2019 the horses strainin\u2019 some on the uphill grade now, so you aren\u2019t far off.\u201d<\/p>\n

I probably should mind my business, but I ask, \u201cWhat were you gonna say after \u2018although?\u2019 You still bothered about what Pa said?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure,\u201d He confessed. \u201cWouldn\u2019t you be? What I was going to say, was, \u2018although\u2019 if we are getting close to home, maybe it\u2019s time to take off on foot over to the north shoreline along the wooded hills where we first lived, and slip across a skinny mountain pass like the trappers did. There\u2019s enough in the wagon for a travel kit, and I\u2019d make my way west until I find a wagon to hitch a ride or get to a town to buy a horse. I have some savings from working summers at a livery stable near the docks.<\/p>\n

Yer joshin\u2019 me,\u201d I say, and then add, \u201cAin\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

He shrugs. \u201cPerhaps better to plan my exit instead of being told to go if Pa\u2019s hasn\u2019t resolved his troubles and Joe doesn\u2019t want me home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not knowin\u2019 how to bandage the wound in his heart , I start talkin like I did yesterday. \u201cYer gonna see a lot more pasture. More\u2019n double than before. Pa plans to buy and breed more steers with you back to help with wrangling and selling \u2018em. He\u2019s says you\u2019ll be great broker!\u201d<\/p>\n

When he doesn\u2019t react, I keep goin\u2019, \u201cOne thing missin\u2019 in that new grass, is watering holes. Pa\u2019s been waitin\u2019 for you, knowing you\u2019ll \u00a0figure the best way to bring water in.\u201d<\/p>\n

He shakes his head. \u201cI know what you\u2019re doing, Hoss. You\u2019ve just told me how Pa has always kept me in his plans, and has a bunch of projects he\u2019ll need help with from the minute I get unpacked. What you\u2019re really telling me is to give him another chance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPurdy much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI plan to do that. Contemplating an escape is a diversion to keep from saying things I might regret.\u201d<\/p>\n

I get a shiver when I see the serious set of his face, cuz I suspect what\u2019s comin\u2019. \u201cHoss \u2026. If getting home doesn\u2019t go well, I may be forced to leave. You feel what others are going through, so you\u2019ll pick up on the situation along with me. I\u2019m sorry for that, but I\u2019d also ask that you don\u2019t try to make things better either. Maybe there\u2019s a reason I shouldn\u2019t be here. Please help me leave quietly and quickly if it comes to that.\u201d<\/p>\n

I nod, and start talkin\u2019 again. \u201cMost of the new grass is between here and a mile south of the house. Nearer in, we\u2019re growin\u2019 oats for feed and straw, and the grass is cut for winter hay. Pa rented out that farm he bought from his friend around the time you left.4<\/sup> The new couple there raises enough to keep Hop Sing supplied with winter vegetables, and they raise our small animals too, although we still got chickens in the yard. I appreciate not having to worry about cleanin\u2019 pens before startin\u2019 to work each day like before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the biggest change?\u201d He asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe new house. But I ain\u2019t sayin\u2019 a thing about that. You\u2019ll be surprised even though you drew it up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I trust you?\u201d he asks solemnly.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure. But don\u2019t tell me nothin\u2019 I couldn\u2019t tell Pa if asked.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve tried to draw out what I gave Pa back then. I have no idea if it\u2019s close to accurate, so I\u2019ll be more surprised than Pa can imagine \u2026 or than I\u2019ll let on.\u201d There\u2019s a pause before he says, \u201cMay I ask something else?\u201d<\/p>\n

Knowing he won\u2019t ask more\u2019n I can tell him, I nod.<\/p>\n

\u201cLetters from home told how the town has grown. Pa wrote about Dave Cass dying in a senseless gunfight, and then mentioned they might hire a lawman for weekends when the trouble usually happens. I was also glad to hear that Abigail Jones was hired to run a small school.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe town\u2019s startin\u2019 to take shape,\u201d I confirm. \u201cPa says they\u2019ll need to set up laws and ordinances before they hire anyone to enforce them. We\u2019re not officially \u2018in\u2019 the town, but our ranch is important, so they\u2019re glad to include him. Is that all you wanted to know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat \u00a0are people in town are saying about me? Could Pa\u2019s earlier comments have been spurred by something I did or said that confirmed the speculative gossip he\u2019s heard?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst off, you know Pa takes no stock in talk. There will always be those who find darkness surrounding every good thing. Some of them folks say you\u2019ll think you\u2019re too good for the rest of us now.\u201d<\/p>\n

He snorts. \u201cThey said that before<\/em> I left.\u201d<\/p>\n

My cheeks crunch up as I deliver the news he should really be concerned about. \u201cMiss Jones is a\u2019flutter over you getting home. Ask Joe about it.\u00a0 Once she sees how good you look, she\u2019ll be chasin\u2019 you all over the countryside tryin\u2019 to get you to romance her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe doesn\u2019t think of me in that way,\u201d he says, makin\u2019 me <\/em>snort.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s got her sights on you. She always liked you since you had a kind heart for all that bookish stuff she loves. Here\u2019s the thing, brother. It won\u2019t be just Miss Jones. When the single ladies between age 16 and 40 \u2026 and their mothers \u2026 get a gander at you, they\u2019ll all be wantin\u2019 a proposal with Miss Jones at the front of the pack. You may get to wishin\u2019 you had run away today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour attempt to change the subject almost worked, Hoss. I suspect it was your hope to withhold what the ones who aren\u2019t interested in bagging a husband are saying.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s like a dog on a bone, so I might as well be honest. \u201cThe latest is people sniggerin\u2019 that Pa\u2019s prodigal son is comin\u2019 home. Course they never say that to Pa\u2019s face.\u201d<\/p>\n

One side\u2019a Adam\u2019s face rises. \u201cIt\u2019s not an accurate depiction, but Pa mentioned paying for an education I\u2019d eventually use against him. Maybe he did come to think I demanded my inheritance for a frolic out East.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhoa there!\u201d I tell him as I slow the team. \u201cYou done jumped a wide river of conclusion there. Pa never once complained about money. I asked once if college was expensive. He said it could be, but in yer case, it wasn\u2019t since you got them scholarships for bein\u2019 so smart. The school even paid for yer board to make sure you came there. One time he even laughed about how he\u2019d probably saved money sending you to school instead of having to put you on wages for the ranch work you\u2019d been doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know Pa sent money to Abel to make sure I had whatever I needed for fees and needs. It also allowed him to have his housekeeper come more often and leave meals for us when I stayed at his house.\u201d He sighs. \u201cI never meant to strip money from the ranch. Professor Metz guaranteed he\u2019d help me find scholarships. Had I known Pa would resent paying what he did, I would have gotten a better job out there to support myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gotta let that go, Adam,\u201d I tell him. \u201cSomething just poked at his mind right then that he believed for a minute. Not once did Pa complain about money or yer decision. And he wouldn\u2019t have let that talk about you bein\u2019 a prodigal kid stand if he\u2019d heard it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am glad you know it wasn\u2019t true.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did more than know it weren\u2019t true.\u201d I grin at him as his eyebrows rise under that nice new hat he\u2019s wearing. \u201cI walked over to some people I overheard talkin\u2019 like that, and told them they was dead wrong. They got embarrassed and I went on to say they should know that with Pa pushin\u2019 for a real school here and puttin\u2019 money into gettin\u2019 it set up, he sees schoolin\u2019 as an investment, not a burden.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s eyes widen and he looked sort\u2019a respectful of what I said. But I\u2019m not done. \u201cThen I said that the right parable they should use is the one where the servant was given them talents to use while his boss was gone. You\u2019re like the guy who doubled what he had. That prodigal son story was about the kid squanderin\u2019 what he\u2019d demanded from his pa, but knowing his pa would take him back, even if as just one of his farm hands. It was about mistakes and forgiveness, and you didn\u2019t make no mistakes and need no forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n

I see his smile widen even more. \u201cIn the right parable, the guy who\u2019d doubled his talents got called good and faithful. <\/em>That\u2019s what you\u2019ve been. You took what you had to start and multiplied it, probably a hundred times from there. The way I see it is that whatever money Pa used for yer schoolin\u2019 will come back to us in ways we can\u2019t even imagine yet \u2026 startin\u2019 with figuring out how to get water to our grasslands.\u201d<\/p>\n

I give the team a slap to go faster again, and finish with what my brother needs to know. \u201cPa would\u2019a been purely wrong if he\u2019d have kept you from doing something amazin\u2019 with that brain God gave you. If he hadn\u2019t sent you out there, you\u2019d a buried all that ability in a saddle bag while pokin\u2019 cattle all yer life, and that wouldn\u2019t have helped a soul.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have an amazing way of explaining things, Hoss,\u201d he says. \u201cYour mama was like that too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam doesn\u2019t lie, so I know he means what he said. I don\u2019t lie either, so everything I just said was true.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere do you see yourself in that parable of the talents,\u201d he asks, getting\u2019 me to thinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cI suspect you got the most of them like the first guy. But I surely got some too, and mine are knowing the land and the critters. I use what I got the best I can, just like you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s perceptive and exactly true. Maybe the Cartwright version of that parable would have all us getting an equal bag filled with our strong points, and we each make the most of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another quick look to my side lets me see that Adam\u2019s tight cheeks are gone and he\u2019s breathin\u2019 full. What I told him seems to have helped, but I follow his line\u2019a sight forward. We\u2019ve made it to the sea of green grass ripplin\u2019 like waves in the breeze. It\u2019s easin\u2019 his soul along with my words.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Just About Home (Adam)<\/strong><\/p>\n

When Pa let his anxiety pilot his thoughts earlier, he wasn\u2019t wrong in what he said about my life during our separation. Where he lost his way was in assuming their effects on me. I did study under highly intelligent and respected teachers. The historic, legacy nature of the colleges in Boston will draw the finest from all educational disciplines. When Harvard began offering an applied science degree in engineering, they attracted and hired the finest from the world of practicing engineers to complement the tenured professors from mathematics, physics, chemistry, geology, and even business.<\/p>\n

Pa was right in that I loved every minute of my education.<\/p>\n

He was also right about me enjoying Boston. I made good friends. Knowing the Wadsworths and doing well in school brought opportunities to meet some of the finest educators, poets, writers and philosophers, politicians, and theologians. I was invited to listen to, and meet the celebrated creative minds of our time.<\/p>\n

However, had Pa given me a chance to respond, I would have explained that these were often pompous men, expecting deference for their celebrity, who only gave me the time of day because I was in Frank Wadsworth\u2019s company. My roommate\u2019s father has financial and familial clout. But he is also a staunch proponent of hard effort, who admired the story of the Cartwright family from the first time he heard about us from Professor Metz. Frank would make his way around a group of dignitaries reminding them I was the young man who had come back here after my father took me on a journey west to build his own empire in a part of the country where this was extremely difficult. Their disinterest turned immediately to questions. Some were curious as to whether I was as truly educated well enough to thrive in an Eastern university under such circumstances as Frank had described, while others wanted to hear more about my journey \u2026 or more so \u2026 \u00a0about my father, who took on the world as a widower with two young children in tow.<\/p>\n

None of these dignitaries had ever set a toe into the unknown. They confessed to wondering about the extreme faith and fortitude shown by those who left comfort and security behind to explore and pioneer. They also freely confessed to happily remaining in their pampered situations, and ended up praising the amazing education I\u2019d received from my father before ever stepping foot into the hallowed halls of Harvard.<\/p>\n

There is one more thing Pa got right that has to do with my horizon. It no longer ends as far as the eye can see on the Ponderosa. I want<\/em> and need<\/em> to be home now, and held my homesickness at bay all these years knowing I would return to the roots that had stretched and sustained me all the way to the East Coast. But something inside me says my horizon will expand in the future, and the Ponderosa boundaries will need to be crossed once more.<\/p>\n

I love engineering and intend to engage in projects for my family while picking up private engineering work over the winters. I loved ranching with Pa before and am anxious to see how it goes with Hoss and Little Joe coming of age. This split life will one day prompt a decision to choose one or the other. But not today \u2026 unless Pa\u2019s skewed conclusions remain in place as I arrive home.<\/p>\n

As I glance over at my driver, I realize I have been in the perfect company for what happened. No one speaks with more understanding of the human condition and matters of the heart than the tall kid next to me wearing a hat so big he can use it to feed and water his horse. This shy, easy going, easily fooled young man is often disregarded by those who take advantage of his kindness. His ability to see truth is a gift reserved for only the most blessed and beloved of God.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m far more at ease than I was, yet knowing we\u2019re near the house now makes every muscle in my body feel bound as tight as a calf tied for branding. Another quick look at Hoss lets me see him smiling at what we\u2019re both seeing: the green grass stretching on for miles. This place will never be mundane for him, and I see his ever-fresh take on my home as a sign that things will go better with Pa this time.<\/p>\n

After all, my father is the one who taught me that the greatest joy often comes after the hardest journey.<\/p>\n

The Arrival (Hoss)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Adam took a deep breath of the sweet grass a little bit ago, and his shoulders finally relaxed to where he leaned back easy in the seat. I ain\u2019t never seen a person lean onto things and into himself as much as my brother, and this gives me hope that he\u2019s doin\u2019 lots better. Pa always hollered at him to sit and stand up straight, and at me to speak correct grammar. We\u2019d do it, but slipped right back into our ways. Pa finally gave up, letting Adam be Adam, and me be me.<\/p>\n

The barn came into view some time ago, but it hides the house from this direction until you pull up into the yard. We\u2019re nearin\u2019 the final turn and I see Pa waiting at the point where Adam will finally get his first good look at what\u2019s ahead.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s wearing clean clothes, but even better, he\u2019s wearin\u2019 a big smile along with a fresh shirt. It\u2019s a real grin, not the kind he uses for those he doesn\u2019t care for, but would still welcome to our place.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s, \u201cWow!\u201d \u00a0as we round the corner, was said under his breath, followed by him jumping down before I can stop the team.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs it everything you imagined it would be, son?\u201d Pa shouts as Adam stops to take it all in.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never imagined it would look this<\/em> good. You chose the perfect materials, Pa.\u201d After a good look at the house, Adam turns to look at the whole yard, before sayin\u2019, \u201cYou enlarged the barn, added corrals, bunk houses, and equipment sheds. How did you manage all this in five years!\u201d<\/p>\n

A few work hands who knew Adam from years back are drifting to the yard to welcome him. After their quick hellos, I asked them to help me detach the team and empty the wagon, intendin\u2019 to give Pa and Adam some time alone.<\/p>\n

After Pa pointed out a few more things, he wrapped his arm around Adam\u2019s shoulders, walking him towards the front door where Hop Sing has been waiting to give him a head to toe look before allowing them inside.<\/p>\n

No one shut the door, so I can hear our cook sayin\u2019 Adam\u2019s too skinny and wonderin\u2019 why no one fed him at school.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thankful Pa seemed free of whatever had been biting at his heart. I gotta give Adam credit too. He ain\u2019t holdin\u2019 anything back like he\u2019s still sore. I can\u2019t hear the words as they get further inside, but I hear laughing, and that rock that\u2019s been sittin\u2019 in my stomach since we left camp, just busted apart.<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t spotted Little Joe yet, but deep inside, I know Adam\u2019s gonna work that out just fine too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Arrival (Joe)<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was watching from behind my curtain when Hoss pulled in, but Adam had his hat cocked forward shadowing his face. And when he started looking around, I moved so he wouldn\u2019t see me spying. He\u2019s downstairs with Pa and Hop Sing, and they all seem to be talking at once. I should probably get into bed for when they come to say hello.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I shouldn\u2019t have worried. I heard Pa tell Hop Sing he could ask Hoss to help with the picnic, and then two sets of feet started up the steps. Pa slides his foot onto each stair making a shuffling noise, but Adam is nearly silent. \u00a0At the top, I hear Pa saying how he added a few extra things into the bedrooms that weren\u2019t on Adam\u2019s drawings. As they neared my room, I pulled the covers up over my head \u00a0and listened even harder to hear Adam talk. I\u2019m convinced that if I do, my memories will come back fine.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m tensed like a bear trap and barely breathing as Pa stops outside my door. He tells Adam that I hadn\u2019t felt great when he got back, and since I didn\u2019t come down and my room is quiet, I must still be sleeping, and they\u2019d let me be for a bit yet. That was it. They moved on, picking up again with Pa telling how he assigned the bedrooms. He didn\u2019t even crack the door to see if I was alive.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019m mad about that or relieved. What bothers me more is that I can\u2019t hear Adam answering Pa. He hasn\u2019t said a word \u2026 at least that I\u2019ve heard. Or maybe it\u2019s \u00a0\u2026.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m suddenly sweating and my heart is beating so fast I can\u2019t breathe. Pulling the covers down, I sit on the edge of the bed nearest the door and strain my neck forward to listen. Nothing! I\u2019m beginning to think Adam has been<\/em> talking right along and I don\u2019t <\/em>recognize his voice!<\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t that what that Good Shepherd story says \u2013 that he knows his flock and his flock knows him. \u00a0Don\u2019t it follow that I wouldn\u2019t even know his voice if I don\u2019t remember him, cuz then he wouldn\u2019t remember me either. I\u2019m so confused. I want to throw the door open and know the truth, while on the other hand, I want everything to stand still so I don\u2019t ever find out how this ends. I ain\u2019t never felt sicker in my life, while knowing there ain\u2019t really anything wrong with me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A Better Day (Hoss)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pa and Adam went through the house and bunk house before stopping in the yard to talk with the ranch hands who are gathering now, expecting we\u2019ll eat soon. Hugh, our foreman, was one of the first men to hire on when Pa started ranching. He\u2019s the one a who took Adam under his wing when he was ready to work the herd, and he missed my brother near as much as Pa and me.<\/p>\n

I started tendin\u2019 cattle when I was 15, and Hugh told me stories about Adam nearly every day while teaching me the ropes. Yet he never compared me to him, and always told me what a good job I was doing. A lot of his stories were funny things Adam had done wrong and had to learn the hard way, but more often, he mentioned how much he missed the hard-headed determination that had often gotten Adam into trouble, and how my brother was always willin\u2019 to listen to Hugh\u2019s advice on how to get out of that same trouble.<\/p>\n

Hugh\u2019s teasin\u2019 Adam, saying he hopes he\u2019s got a lot more smarts now than he did as a kid. He\u2019s peppering this with the same stories I heard about Adam\u2019s early mishaps, much to the crew\u2019s enjoyment. Adam is laughing and admitting he did everything just as Hugh related. The others are taking their licks too, at least them who knew Adam back then. When they ran out of stories about him, they started tellin\u2019 him stories about my<\/em> mishaps. Adam\u2019s laugh is ringin\u2019 out loud and clear, letting me know this \u201cfoolishment,\u201d as Hop Sing would call it, is a balm on his sore bones and achin\u2019 spirit.<\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t mind gettin a few words into that storytelllin\u2019 to defend myself, but Hop Sing has asked for a hand bringing out the meal. Since it took us til mid-afternoon to get home, I\u2019m sure the men have been complaining about waiting. Their patience will be rewarded. There\u2019s so much good-lookin\u2019 food, we set boards over saw horses for tables to hold it all. I haven\u2019t eaten since dawn, so my stomach\u2019s complaining bad. When Hop Sing ain\u2019t lookin\u2019, I\u2019ve done some sampling.<\/p>\n

Once Hop Sing\u2019s ready to serve, he says to find Adam and have Pa say grace. They moved on from the ranch hands, and since they didn\u2019t walk past me, they must\u2019a moseyed\u00a0 through the barn to see the corrals holding the wild horses we\u2019ve been rounding up. I\u2019m right. Half way through the shadowed building, I can hear Pa talking beyond the opened back door.<\/p>\n

Stopping inside, I can still see Pa pointing at a field and tellin\u2019 Adam it\u2019s the one he helped clear and seed just before he left for school, and how it\u2019s fertile ground, just as my brother predicted. That must mean something to the two\u2019a them, makin\u2019 Adam nod.<\/p>\n

They don\u2019t hear me, so I stay put. \u00a0Their talk and posture seems easy now, and while I know it\u2019s wrong to eavesdrop, something is tellin\u2019 me interruptin\u2019 this would be wrong.<\/p>\n

Sure enough if that ain\u2019t right!<\/p>\n

Pa takes Adam\u2019s arms and turns him so they\u2019re facing each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what got into me earlier,\u201d he starts. \u201cAll the joy I had over you returning vanished for a moment, replaced by worry that you would realize how simple \u2026 routine \u2026 ordinary your life was before, and will be again. That led to believing you would soon resent being home, even knowing you\u2019d never once rethought your promise to return. Please forgive the fears and the doubts I placed on your shoulders with those ugly words.\u201d<\/p>\n

I see Adam smile and grab Pa\u2019s arms too. \u201cI was confused \u2026 hurt \u2026 even staggered for a while. But with the Ponderosa Prophet driving me home, we came to a similar conclusion.\u201d He looks down. \u201cIt\u2019s not like I didn\u2019t worry about stepping off that coach too. Life kept moving on both coasts while I was away, making me fear my place in this family might no longer exist. I told myself that would never happen, and then after what you said, I wondered if I\u2019d been right. \u00a0I\u2019m guessing the devil had a good time infecting a happy time with worry and doubt.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t think you could get smarter than you were,\u201d Pa teased before gettin\u2019 serious again. \u201cThat infection you mentioned, covered me in cloud of worry, false judgments, and self-doubt that burst wide open this morning. It felt like I was about to take a test I hadn\u2019t studied for, and would fail miserably.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam nodded, taking a minute before answerin\u2019, \u201cAbel pointed out thing about me that reminded him of my mother, like her smile, her dimples, and her good heart. She also loved learning like I do, and was happiest curled up, reading.\u201d He stopped to chuckled softly. \u201cGrandfather claims I got my tendency to wink from him, but my leaning on everything must come from the Cartwright side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat might be your own personal trait,\u201d Pa said with a laugh. \u201cI don\u2019t recall any back or hip issues when you were little, but perhaps you possessed a limber spine, and simply couldn\u2019t stay upright.\u201d<\/p>\n

A blush colors Adam\u2019s face and ears, before talking again. \u201cGrandfather said my singular drive, loyalty, and work ethic comes from you. He saw this in you from the first day you signed on under his command. It\u2019s always been apparent to me too. You attack every problem and never tolerate pity, especially from yourself. You accepted setbacks, disappointments, and overwhelming grief as part of life and took the best from the worst. That has continued with you doing more while I was away than anyone could imagine. And those smart people I met in Boston were no smarter than you. Those amazing preachers in the pulpits of the church I attended, left me wishing for your understandable Sunday lessons. I saw highly educated theologians speak the Word of God fluently, and then act pompously towards others, whereas you always showed your faith in how you lived.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s shoulders square up as he thanks my brother for sayin\u2019 all that, but Adam ain\u2019t done.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did study under scholars, but I couldn\u2019t have succeeded without what I learned here \u2026 from you. You taught me to stick with what I want to accomplish. You taught me to be kind, to treat others well, and to never let others make me feel like I didn\u2019t belong. And somewhere in the chores and babysitting and thousands of things we did to keep this dream going, I learned how to study and lend a hand to those who struggled. There were those who said my simple upbringing couldn\u2019t possibly qualify me for the opportunity I was given. What they couldn\u2019t understand is how hard a \u2018simple\u2019 life can be or how the lessons learned amid it made me thrive in the toughest situations.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s grip on my brother gets tighter while they sort\u2019a stare at each other.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss reminded me of a few things I needed to hear as well. You do know how exceptionally smart that kid is?\u201d<\/p>\n

Pa nods. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t see it, but yes, I see his intelligence in everything except with Little Joe.\u201d They both laugh. \u201cI don\u2019t suppose you can tell me what he said.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you later when he\u2019s around, but the gist is that we\u2019ve all done the best we could over these years. We\u2019ve all changed, and that\u2019s not a bad thing. But worrying about those changes put a lot of pressure on this day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about we put the worry aside?\u201d Pa suggests.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like that. You\u2019ve always said each day has worry of its own. Today\u2019s are over, so let\u2019s celebrate.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was nice hearin\u2019 Adam tell Pa that I helped, but I still stay put. And finally, Pa pulls Adam in a hug, and while pattin\u2019 his back, I hear him say, \u201cI have longed for this day, son, and have the calendars to prove it. Welcome home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam stiffened at first, but finally squeezes back. All I hear him say, is, \u201cOh, Pa.\u201d It\u2019s what he\u2019d always say when the cares of the world got his heart so heavy, he lost his words.<\/p>\n

It fills me up to know Pa and Adam will do better now. Adam was right about them buttin\u2019 heads. They was already doin\u2019 that five years ago. With Adam bein\u2019 older, smarter, and even more sure of what he knows, he\u2019ll push Pa harder while Pa pushes back just as hard, because he\u2019s Pa. They\u2019ll both learn how to bend, or they\u2019ll come to a breaking point again real soon. But like Adam said. That\u2019s a worry for tomorrow.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s time to get them moving before I starve. \u201cHow\u2019s it going?\u201d I call while waking out of the barn like I just got here.<\/p>\n

They look at each other and start to laugh, with Pa callin\u2019 back\u2019, \u201cAdam\u2019s trip home had a few bumps, potholes, and unpleasant odors, but he made it.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Unfinished business (Little Joe)<\/strong><\/p>\n

They forgot about me! I went back to the window when I heard Pa hollering for everyone to gather around, and then spoke a blessing on the food. I know they forgot me because he started out saying, \u201cNow that\u00a0 the food is ready and everyone\u2019s here, we should get this party started!\u201d With the prayer done, Hop Sing hollered too, saying, \u201cYou eat before hot stuff get cold and cold stuff get warm and Hop Sing toss it all in garbage.\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, not everyone was there, but no one noticed or cared that I\u2019m missing. That\u2019s fine. Who wants to be out there anyway.<\/p>\n

Except that I do.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been feeling awful about forgetting Adam. But in the half-hour he\u2019s been home, he\u2019s made everyone <\/em>forget about me. I kind of understand. \u00a0I took some jobs Adam had done when I could handle them, but Saint Adam, as Hoss once called him when he was hopping mad, was good at everything. And being lots older than me, he did lots more than I could. The ranch hands are excited to have him back.<\/p>\n

Maybe the good part about no one remembering me, is that I can watch what\u2019s happening without hiding.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s pushing the men to get food, and Hoss is already gnawing on a chicken leg while leaning against the corral fence. I don\u2019t see Adam or his hat among the group though. Maybe I can\u2019t see him either now. I read a mystery story about a guy who was only visible to those who really knew him. That could explain everything!<\/p>\n

Dang! I was concentrating so hard, I missed that someone came inside and they\u2019re coming up the stairs. The footsteps stopped outside my door and I see the doorknob turning. All I can do is turn back to the window and stare out.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are up!\u201d a voice says as someone steps into the room. \u201cI came to see if you\u2019re feeling well enough to join us.\u201d When I don\u2019t answer, he says, \u201cOr \u2026 I can bring a couple plates up, and we can eat together in here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Keeping my eyes shut, I let the voice find its way into my head. It\u2019s pitched lower, but thankfully, it\u2019s still familiar.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre <\/em>you feeling better?\u201d the voice asks. \u201cIf so, having you join the party would make it perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI doubt that,\u201d I say to myself, too quiet to be heard.<\/p>\n

Pa always said Adam had bat ears and that\u2019s why he could hear every bad thing Hoss and I ever said behind his back. That must still be true. \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way,\u201d he answers to my whispered thought.<\/p>\n

I got good ears, or at least good enough that I hear him step further into the room. Just because I recognize his voice doesn\u2019t mean everything is fine.<\/p>\n

\u201cStay where you are, Adam!\u201d This time my voice is loud enough to rattle the window in front of me. I don\u2019t want him to go away; I just don\u2019t want him coming closer. What I want is for him to talk more from where he is so I can try to picture him. I\u2019m afraid if I look now, I\u2019ll hear that voice, but it will still be coming out of a stranger.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll stay right here,\u201d he promises. \u201cBut if you\u2019re better, you might as well eat. Pa\u2019s beginning to worry that you\u2019re sicker than he thought.\u201d He gives me a chance to say something, but what can I say! So he keeps talking. \u201cIf you\u2019re sick about me being home more than truly ailing, I won\u2019t be upset,\u201d he promises. \u201cI\u2019ve been gone a long time, Joe. You were so young when I left, I\u2019d bet anything you\u2019re having trouble even remembering what it was like having me around. I wont\u2019 rush you, and I\u2019ll stay away until you tell me you\u2019re ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember some things just fine!\u201d I tell him without looking back. \u201cLike you think you\u2019re always right about what I\u2019m thinking.\u201d The stupid thing about what I just said, is that he\u2019s right.<\/p>\n

Dang it, I can hear the smile in his voice when he says, \u201cI may not always be right, but there\u2019s a good chance I\u2019ve got this right. Should I tell Pa you\u2019ll be down soon? You should have no trouble remembering that Pa is not a patient man. His concern will turn to irritation if you\u2019re well enough to come down and don\u2019t do so. I promise to keep my distance, and perhaps we can talk later.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine. I\u2019ll come down after I get dressed. Are you happy now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes! Hop Sing has outdone himself with this meal. I see lots of dishes I like on the tables. But I see food I recall you and Hoss liking special too. I\u2019d guess that\u2019s Hop Sing\u2019s way of showing us he\u2019s exited to have us together again.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019s right again, and I sort of grunt. Hop Sing told me the same thing the other day. Count on Adam to figure it out. I\u2019m remembering more now, but not anything good. Mostly it\u2019s how bossy he was and how he probably thinks he can start telling me what to do like before.<\/p>\n

I hear Adam\u2019s boots turn on the wood floor and start to leave, but he stops. I want him to go, yet want him to stay and talk more. My head is hurting along with my chest as I try not to cry over this mess.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t expect him to say anything, but his voice is soft and kind like I remember from when I was having bad dreams after Mama died.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were the person I thought of and worried about most while I was gone, Joe,\u201d He starts. \u201cI knew you\u2019d change so much, and it broke my heart that I was missing it. I\u2019d meet kids in Boston who were close to your age, and imagined how you might compare to their size and interests. See, Joe, the day you were born, you grabbed onto my finger so tight, I promised to watch over you as long as I could . It was the vow I felt saddest about deferring to attend school. I know you won\u2019t ever need me as much as you did back then, but that doesn\u2019t matter. I want to know the kid you are now, while maybe recalling some of the fun things we did in the past. Please give me this chance \u2026 when you\u2019re ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

My eyes are burning as I blink to keep them from leaking. He didn\u2019t forget me after all, so why did I forget him. I\u2019m frozen by the window now, waiting for him to get back outside so I can see him and figure out how bad this is.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Why is it that now I\u2019m ready to look at him, something keeps it from happening. I heard Adam reach the bottom of the steps and finally close the door behind him. I saw the top of his hat go into the yard, and he\u2019s with a group of our guys now, with his back to me.<\/p>\n

I want to holler and make him look up here. But when I try, no sound comes out.<\/p>\n

He might be taller, but it\u2019s hard to tell because I still can\u2019t remember what he looked like before.<\/p>\n

One thing I do notice is that Adam\u2019s hair reaches his collar. Pa won\u2019t let that stand. He\u2019s always kept our hair clipped shorter than most farm kids. Hoss thinks it\u2019s cuz Pa had to have short hair as an officer on Grandpa Stoddard\u2019s ship. But I think he liked that it was easier to wash come bath day and didn\u2019t tangle up in between.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m happy to have remembered something, and wonder how surprised he\u2019s gonna be that we got a barber now. Mr. Danskin came through on his way west, and stayed when he found out there was no one barbering in town. He farms, but cuts hair in a corner of the saloon on Saturday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s back stays toward me as he finds Pa, so I use the bat ears I got, trying to hear what he\u2019s talking about. Pa asks how things went with me.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot good,\u201d he says. \u201cYou\u2019re right about him not being ill<\/em>. It\u2019s more that he\u2019s guarded or maybe afraid. He \u2018talked\u2019 to me, if answering questions is considered talking. But he wouldn\u2019t look at me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis has been going on long enough,\u201d Pa says, using the voice I recognize as meaning he\u2019s ready to explain things to me in a whatever way necessary<\/em> to fix this.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t do that,\u201d Adams says clear as the dinner bell Hop Sing rings when we\u2019re not in the house by the time he\u2019s ready. \u201cHe agreed to come down once he\u2019s dressed. A little more patience will let him work out the rest. If I recall correctly, forcing Little Joe does not go well.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam laughed at his own comment. It was familiar, making my heart start to beat faster. I didn\u2019t understand what he said next, but it was something about how they might understand what\u2019s it like to have misgivings about him getting home.<\/p>\n

I gotta get moving. Pa\u2019s patience won\u2019t last much longer no matter what Adam told him. With Pa, obedience is expected, and facing our troubles is the only way to get past them. I just wish Adam would turn around so I\u2019d see his face. Maybe if I wish really hard \u2026.<\/p>\n

After closing my eyes and scrunching up my face in what I think making a wish looks like, I open them to see Adam filling his plate, still facing away. I laugh despite my troubles, because everyone will see right off if I \u201cdon\u2019t know my brother from Adam!\u201d \u00a0Ain\u2019t that just the truth!<\/p>\n

With the wish failed, I look upwards and fold my hands, \u201cPlease help me, God! Pa says I can ask you anything, so I\u2019m asking now. Please \u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what to ask.<\/p>\n

When I tried telling Pa about forgetting Adam earlier, he said that couldn\u2019t be true. \u00a0But it is! I remembered mama for a while after she died. Then one day, I stopped being able to see her in my mind. Pa\u2019s got her picture framed downstairs, but sometimes I just see a pretty lady and have to remind myself that she was Mama. She\u2019s been gone the same amount of time as Adam. So why would I remember him any better than her!<\/p>\n

Still, his voice is familiar, just like when Mama\u2019s voice talks to me in a dream. Her golden hair and a special smile sort of comes along with that, but only her voice makes me certain it\u2019s her. Does everyone forget the faces of people they love who die, or does it just happen to kids because it hurts so bad they have to let them go or their hearts would explode with the pain?<\/p>\n

All I know is that my head hurts for real and I want to lay down. Pa\u2019ll storm up at some point, but he\u2019ll see that I am<\/em> sick. There\u2019s no cure for this, and now I feel paralyzed. I want to move, but my legs don\u2019t work anymore, so I settle my arms on the window sill and lay my head down.<\/p>\n

The more I try to listen to conversations outside, the less I hear, until I only hear myself breathing inside my head.<\/p>\n

\u201cStick your head out the window and call your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I croak out after looking around the room to see who spoke. It was a woman\u2019s voice, but there\u2019s no woman in my room, and I haven\u2019t seen a woman at the house today. Hop Sing sometimes hires Mrs. Andrews to help him with parties, but I didn\u2019t see her come either.<\/p>\n

I hear the voice again. It\u2019s not in the room; it\u2019s in my head. \u201cTrust me Little Joe. Open the window and call Adam\u2019s name.\u201d It\u2019s Mama. I just fell asleep and I\u2019m dreaming.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m not asleep! A look out the window proves everything\u2019s the same as it was a minute ago. The hands are milling around while Pa, Adam, and Hoss are balancing their plates on the corral fence to eat and talk. And sure enough, Adam\u2019s facing the barn.<\/p>\n

I hear Mama tell me again to be brave, and this time, I see her in my mind. She\u2019s there! She\u2019s looking at me and I feel her hand on my cheek, saying it\u2019s all right to forget a few things. It doesn\u2019t mean I stopped loving her or Adam. I only put them in a special place for safekeeping so I wouldn\u2019t be so sad.<\/p>\n

The window sticks, but I push until it gives enough to lean out a little. \u201cHey Adam!\u201d I shout as loud as I can.<\/p>\n

It quiets fast down there, with Pa turning my brother around, pointing towards my window.<\/p>\n

My head and heart feel about ready to explode. He takes his hat off, looks up, and smiles. Pa has taught us all how to do what he called a \u201csocial smile\u2019 at time we might not want to, like when an older lady pinches my cheek and says I\u2019m cute as a bug.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t that kind! It\u2019s the real thing; the kind I remember Adam having when he was really happy. Seeing it, memories start flooding back. He looks older \u2026 different \u2026 \u00a0and even more sure of himself than when he left, which is amazing, since he was already pretty darned sure back then.<\/p>\n

I remember us riding together on that big horse he used, and him rescuing me from the creek when I fell in chasing a frog, and then giving me his shirt to stay warm on the way home while he shivered so hard he couldn\u2019t talk. He\u2019s next to me on the bed when I had bad dreams. I feel him rubbing my back and singing soft. And I remember the only time I ever heard him cry so hard he sobbed, was the day he found his mama\u2019s Bible soaked, and ruined after I forgot it outside and it rained overnight. I thought he\u2019d hate me forever. Instead, he said it was a special book, but I was even more special to him. And the last thing passing through my brain is his high, squeaky scream of pain the time I used a board to swat a bee off his head.5 <\/sup><\/p>\n

He’s not the same Adam from then, cuz he\u2019s five-years older just like me. But I know it\u2019s him just from his smile!<\/p>\n

He finally hollers, \u201cHey Joe. You dressed yet?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost.\u201d<\/p>\n

As I pull my head back inside, I notice Adam handing his plate to Pa and start trotting towards the house. By the time I slip into my pants and boots and make it to the stairs, he\u2019s waiting at the bottom. I tear down the first section and jump at him from the landing, knowing he\u2019ll catch me. I used to jump at him from the fence rails and the loft ladder, but I forgot that I\u2019m a lot bigger than I used to be, and he holds onto me while stumbling backwards until losing his balance. We\u2019re both laughing as I hang on tight and he grunts, \u201cOuch!\u201d as his backside hits the floor.<\/p>\n

My laughing has turned to crying, but I can\u2019t help it. Adam\u2019s home. He\u2019s real and even smells like Hop Sing\u2019s soap, just like before he left. He grabs me tighter as he manages to roll to his knees and stand up without letting go.<\/p>\n

\u201cI missed you too, Joe,\u201d he says when no words can find their way out of my mouth. \u201cI knew you were changing so much, there were times I worried I wouldn\u2019t recognize you when I saw you again. You are different, but I could have picked you out in a crowd of kids all the same age and size, wearing the same clothes, because what I forgot was that I know you from the inside out.\u201d He laughs a little as he tips my chin up to look straight at me. \u201cMaybe our hearts see better than our eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

All I can do is nod. What Adam said is true. I figured I\u2019d know him by his voice, and the rest would follow. Funny how we can know the truth and convince ourselves it\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n

Adam goes right back to being the brother he was before he left, setting me on the floor and grabbing his hanky to mops my cheeks dry. \u201cThere \u2026 that\u2019s better,\u201d he says. \u201cNo one needs to know how much you really missed me. It could ruin your reputation as a tough guy.\u201d<\/p>\n

A smile passes between us. \u201cYou ready to get some lunch?\u201d he asks as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and nudges me towards the door.<\/p>\n

I finally manage, \u201cThat thing you said about being afraid you wouldn\u2019t know me. Maybe I was feeling that some too. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re home.\u201d The words are coming easier, even the teasing is back. \u201cPa really looked forward to this day. He kept saying I could torment you then instead of him.\u201d<\/p>\n

His grip around me tightens. \u201cI\u2019d expect nothing less.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Taking Root (Adam)<\/strong><\/p>\n

This house is amazing! Pa made the scratchy drawings I left behind come alive. And this bed! After sleeping on the dorm\u2019s hard, lumpy pallets, and most recently, trying to sleep upright a moving stage, this long, comfortable mattress Pa had made for me is like resting on a cloud. I might get a little too comfortable and retire from driving cattle at the ripe old age of 23.<\/p>\n

After that crazy stage ride left me physically spent, along with the odd interactions with Pa earlier poking at my emotions and feelings of security, you\u2019d think I would be sleeping soundly by this time. Even with the house quiet and Hoss\u2019 rhythmic snore penetrating the solid wall between us, I\u2019m still awake. My body is relaxed, but I\u2019m still considering the day.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s reaction this morning left a bruise, but I \u201cintend\u201d to let it heal until there\u2019s no evidence of it ever being there. Even so, one thing may not ease as quickly. It planted a seed of worry whether Pa\u2019s concerns will show up again as we begin working together and we again face how different we are now.<\/p>\n

You\u2019d think Joe\u2019s refusal to look at me would have left a bruise too, but it didn\u2019t. \u00a0Joe couldn\u2019t put words to his distress, but I\u2019m sure he was confused and wounded by my absence. My confession to him about this being my main worry in leaving, was true. Yet, there\u2019d been only two options: go with Professor Metz when he was ready, or stay home. It was then or never. I needed his help to keep my study going over the months of travel, and to walk me through the processes of securing a college placement.<\/p>\n

When Joe refused to look at me, I believed it was going to take some time before he\u2019d trust me again. But something happened after I left his room, letting him find the strength to face me. I doubt he\u2019ll tell me what that was, but I am left thankful, even if curious. There\u2019s no doubt that he\u2019ll torment me just as he promised. My response of looking forward to it could change quickly!<\/p>\n

Pa and I will test our peace, probably starting tomorrow at breakfast. I appreciate all he\u2019s done, yet I am aware of new ideas and products that were developed back East and are slowly making their way here. In many instances, they will make Pa\u2019s \u201cinnovations\u201d obsolete. Will he listen with an open mind, or dig his heals in, saying there\u2019s nothing wrong with his methods, and I shouldn\u2019t let my education get in the way of practicality. It should prove \u2026 interesting.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a final thought that makes me smile. Thankfulness for Hoss\u2019 steadiness. He has wisdom at his age most will never possess, along with a willingness to consider both sides of anything. He\u2019ll tell me if I\u2019m being a pest with my suggestions. But he\u2019ll encourage and support me if he thinks I have a good idea, even to his own peril with Pa.<\/p>\n

And Joe \u2026. His strong grip around me after he faced his fear, showed growing strength in all parts of his life.<\/p>\n

Should this ranch become the long-term empire people claim it will, each of our fingerprints will be clearly seen.<\/p>\n

For now, I\u2019ll rest gratefully in this fantastic bed. Tomorrow, I\u2019ll see how things fit, starting with the work clothes from five years ago I found neatly folded in my dresser drawers, and then in adjusting to being one of four \u00a0Cartwrights again.<\/p>\n

The End<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Notes<\/strong><\/p>\n

1<\/sup> Eagle Station was a ranch with a trading post and settlement nearby in 1851 that began to thrive as folks began heading to California for the Gold Rush. As opposed to what became Virginia City, this settlement was along a road leading more directly to mountain passes in the Sierras on the south side of Lake Tahoe. It would become Carson City and be named the state capital in 1858.\u00a0 I\u2019d placed a lone telegraph connection there in a previous story. It\u2019s a little early for that, but we tend to forget that the West between the Pacific Coasts and a few states west of the Mississippi didn\u2019t really get fully going until the second half of the 19th<\/sup> century when it became prudent to connect the coasts with communication and transportation.<\/p>\n

2<\/sup> Adam\u2019s method of getting home is accurate, but not exact. The Overland mail service started in 1858, but the details about the formative initiatives are sketchy. I am using general practices and procedures that would have led to establishing such service. At one time I had found a site that noted the use of travelers on these initial trials to establish whether they could link mail transport to passenger service. However, I can\u2019t bring this up in my search this time.<\/p>\n

*Shine is the name I gave the horse Adam used when he first rode herd. Hoss had given the horse this name because it had very glossy hooves, making the little boy say it looked like he\u2019d gotten a shoe shine.<\/p>\n

** John 10<\/p>\n

3<\/sup> From my story Hunting For Memories<\/em> where Ben and Adam are forced to spend the night at a cabin in the mountains shortly after his return from school that had been their first home on the Ponderosa. Ben has been reticent about going back there with this son for fear of bringing up memories of an incident when he\u2019d accused Adam of doing something only to find out later that he was not only innocent, but had sustained injuries that he\u2019d kept from his angry father.<\/p>\n

4<\/sup> From my story Discernment (Lessons Taugh \u2013 Lessons Learned)<\/em><\/p>\n

5<\/sup><\/em>These are all things that happened between Adam and Joe in my prequels.<\/p>\n

Great Thanks to BHT for allowing me to use her stagecoach image for this story.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tags:\u00a0 loving family moments, misunderstanding, POV structure<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary: Instead of excitement and joy over Adam\u2019s imminent return from school in Boston, unexpected emotions and personal fears leave the Cartwrights struggling in their welcome. This story is comprised of chapters told from a family member’s POV.<\/p>\n

Rating: G<\/p>\n

Words: 26442<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":82,"featured_media":31060,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1008,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49044","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-family","category-prequels","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1008-id","wpcat-30-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/IMG_2205a.jpg?fit=500%2C379&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49044","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/82"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=49044"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49044\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/31060"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=49044"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=49044"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=49044"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}