{"id":4920,"date":"2014-04-29T16:12:18","date_gmt":"2014-04-29T20:12:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4920"},"modified":"2026-07-29T14:39:36","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T18:39:36","slug":"loving-carrie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/?p=4920","title":{"rendered":"Loving Carrie (by pjb)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>A devastating tragedy sends Joe on a quest for answers.<\/p>\n

Rated:<\/span>\u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a053,000<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Loving Carrie<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven\u2014for she loved much.<\/em><\/p>\n

Luke 7:47<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Part One<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright\u2019s steps were slow and heavy<\/strong> as he approached the closed door.\u00a0 He raised his hand to knock, then paused.\u00a0 For a moment, he thought he\u2019d heard something.\u00a0 He listened intently.\u00a0 No sound from within.\u00a0 Not a curse, not a sob.\u00a0 Not so much as a breath.\u00a0 Just silence.\u00a0 He knocked.\u00a0 No reply.\u00a0 But then, he hadn\u2019t expected one.<\/p>\n

He opened the bedroom door.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe sat on the edge of the bed.\u00a0 His tie was draped around his neck, as if he\u2019d forgotten what to do with it.\u00a0 His boots still lay where they\u2019d been dropped the day before when Hoss had helped him into bed.\u00a0 His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed.\u00a0 Blotches adorned his pale complexion.\u00a0 Only the trembling of his lips betrayed his efforts to maintain control.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s time to get going.\u201d\u00a0 No response.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, we need to leave.\u201d\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 Ben sat down next to his son.\u00a0 \u201cI know,\u201d he murmured.\u00a0 At last, movement:\u00a0 Joe closed his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cLet me help you,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 As if the clock had turned back twelve years, he tied Joe\u2019s tie.\u00a0 The clock turned back further, and Ben knelt before his son, trying to stuff Joe\u2019s feet into his boots.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019ve got to help me here, son,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Joe made only a half-hearted attempt to push his foot into the boot, but years of dressing reluctant little boys stood Ben in good stead, and he was able to finish the job.<\/p>\n

He rose, his knees creaking, and placed a hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, son,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Joe looked up at his father.\u00a0 The anguish in his face was so raw that Ben nearly closed his own eyes in defense.\u00a0 Instead, he drew his son to his feet and laid a protective arm around his shoulders.\u00a0 He did not tell Joe that everything would be all right.\u00a0 He had never lied to his son, and he was not about to start now.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss were waiting in the living room.\u00a0 Devastation was plain on their faces.\u00a0 Where they might normally have made jokes or small talk, silence loomed.\u00a0 Adam handed Joe\u2019s jacket to him, and his youngest brother looked at the garment as if he had been given some completely unfamiliar tool and he had no idea what to do with it.\u00a0 He stood by the credenza, holding the jacket, until Hoss took it from him and held it for Joe to put on.\u00a0 After a minute, Joe slid his arms into the sleeves.\u00a0 Ben resisted the urge to button the jacket for him.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss had already harnessed the horses to the buggy.\u00a0 Ben helped his youngest son into the rear seat and joined him there, leaving his elder sons to the front.\u00a0 Hop Sing settled himself in the back.\u00a0 Surreptitiously, Ben felt his own jacket pocket.\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 He\u2019d remembered his handkerchief.<\/p>\n

The familiar drive was much longer than Ben had remembered.\u00a0 Neither he nor his elder sons tried to make conversation.\u00a0 Some days, there is no point.\u00a0 It had been a long time since they had had a day even remotely like this, but it never got easier.<\/p>\n

A small group had already gathered at the site.\u00a0 Their closest friends:\u00a0 Roy Coffee, Paul and Rose Martin.\u00a0 Mitch and Kathleen Devlin.\u00a0 Ruth and Ray Gillam; Ruth\u2019s eyes were red, but she was glaring as they pulled up.\u00a0 Reverend Abbott.\u00a0 And Nathaniel Greene, the undertaker, and two of his men.\u00a0 Ben found that he was grateful for the small turnout.\u00a0 Fewer people to talk to, to deal with.\u00a0 Fewer people for Joseph to face.<\/p>\n

As Adam reined in the team, Paul and Mitch approached the buggy.\u00a0 When he met Paul\u2019s eyes, Ben shook his head ever so slightly.\u00a0 Ever discreet, Paul refrained from comment.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss disembarked and turned to help their father and brother down.\u00a0 Ben stepped down and turned to Joe.\u00a0 For a moment, Joe was motionless, as if unaware that they had arrived.\u00a0 Then, mechanically, he slid over in the seat and allowed himself to be helped to the ground.\u00a0 He wavered for a moment, and Ben reached out to him.\u00a0 His heart ached as he watched his son regain his balance and begin that long walk.\u00a0 One step, another step.\u00a0 Joe stopped as if unsure what to do next.\u00a0 The other men exchanged the briefest of glances before Ben placed his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders.\u00a0 As if shepherding an invalid, Ben drew his son forward until they stood together beside the hole Nathaniel Greene\u2019s men had dug early that morning.<\/p>\n

When everyone was gathered, Reverend Abbott opened his Bible.\u00a0 \u201cFriends,\u201d he intoned.\u00a0 \u201cWe are gathered here today to remember Caroline Ann Cartwright.\u201d\u00a0 At the mention of her name, Ben felt Joe begin to shake.\u00a0 Hoss and Adam, who already flanked their father and brother, moved even closer, as much to lend physical strength as emotional support.\u00a0 Hop Sing\u2019s face remained inscrutable, but he clutched Hoss\u2019s sleeve.\u00a0 Kathleen Devlin pressed her handkerchief to her mouth.\u00a0 Mitch held her close.\u00a0 Rose clung to Paul\u2019s arm.\u00a0 Ray Gillam kept his skinny arm around Ruth\u2019s ample shoulders.\u00a0 Roy held his hat over his heart.<\/p>\n

The service was mercifully brief.\u00a0 Reverend Abbott cast worried looks at the Cartwrights as he spoke.\u00a0 When Ben met his eyes and then looked meaningfully at his son, the reverend knew that it was time to close, regardless of whether he was finished.\u00a0 \u201cLet us pray,\u201d he said.\u00a0 All heads bowed.\u00a0 \u201cMerciful Father, we commend to You the soul of our sister, Caroline Ann Cartwright.\u00a0 Grant to her Your love and peace as You welcome her into Your kingdom, and bestow on those she has left behind Your comfort and strength.\u00a0 We ask Your special blessing upon her husband, Joseph, and his family.\u00a0 May You grant them Your peace in this difficult time.\u00a0 Amen.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nathaniel Greene and his men moved forward.\u00a0 The pine coffin had lain by the graveside throughout the service.\u00a0 Now, they maneuvered it into the hole more smoothly than Ben would have thought possible.\u00a0 Nathaniel met Ben\u2019s eyes questioningly.\u00a0 When Ben did not shake his head, Nathaniel approached Joe to hand him the spade.\u00a0 Joe did not take it; it was not clear if he even saw the undertaker standing before him.\u00a0 After a moment, Nathaniel nodded and stepped away.\u00a0 He and his men would finish the job after the mourners left.<\/p>\n

At that, the crowd broke formation, but no one seemed quite certain what to do.\u00a0 Kathleen kissed Joe on the cheek, and Mitch shook his hand.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re staying at your pa\u2019s?\u201d asked Mitch in a low voice.<\/p>\n

When Joe did not respond, Hoss said, \u201cYep.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll stop by next week,\u201d said Mitch, more to Hoss than to Joe.\u00a0 Hoss nodded their appreciation.\u00a0 Mitch shook the hands of the other Cartwright men before he led his wife back to their carriage.<\/p>\n

Rose laid a hand on Joe\u2019s cheek.\u00a0 She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came.\u00a0 She turned tear-filled eyes to Ben, who clasped her hand.\u00a0 As she moved to Adam and Hoss, Paul slipped Ben an envelope.\u00a0 At Ben\u2019s questioning glance, he murmured, \u201cSleeping powders.\u00a0 I imagine you could all use them.\u201d\u00a0 He shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cShe was a beautiful girl,\u201d he said, softly enough that Joe could not hear.\u00a0 \u201cI wish. . . .\u201d\u00a0 Ben nodded.\u00a0 They both knew what the doctor wished.<\/p>\n

Then, Ben found himself face to face with Ruth Gillam.\u00a0 Her small brown eyes were teary, but her lips trembled.\u00a0 She almost seemed more angry than grief-stricken.\u00a0 Ray was holding firmly to her arm, and Ben shot him a quick look of gratitude.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Ben said to her.\u00a0 \u201cI know how much you cared about her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe was a good girl,\u201d said Ruth as though someone had challenged the point.\u00a0 She looked defiantly at Joe, but all he could do was to raise his head.\u00a0 As his eyes met hers, Ben saw something in her face soften, as though she had been forced to recognize that Joe had loved Carrie, too.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll write to her kin,\u201d Ruth said, more to Joe than to Ben.\u00a0 She and Ray were gone before Ben could ask whom she intended to write to and what she would say.<\/p>\n

Roy Coffee stepped forward then to lay his hand over Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 He had no children of his own, and in a secret corner of his heart, he\u2019d always thought of the Cartwright boys as the sons he\u2019d never known.\u00a0 To see the young man he\u2019d known from infancy in such agony was almost more than he could stand.\u00a0 He wanted to tell Joe that, no matter what he thought, it wasn\u2019t his fault.\u00a0 Nobody could have seen this coming.\u00a0 Roy shook hands with Adam and Hoss.\u00a0 When his eyes met Ben\u2019s, the two old friends felt the tears swell.<\/p>\n

Reverend Abbott was the last.\u00a0 \u201cIs there anything I can do?\u201d he asked quietly.<\/p>\n

Ben shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d he murmured.<\/p>\n

Joe roused himself slightly from his stupor.\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d he echoed.<\/p>\n

The reverend clasped Joe\u2019s hand.\u00a0 \u201cIf you ever want to talk . . . .\u201d\u00a0 He let the offer trail off.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you,\u201d said Ben when it became clear that Joe had exhausted his store of social graces.<\/p>\n

Finally, when no one remained except the undertaker and his men, Ben guided his youngest son back to the buggy.\u00a0 Hoss assisted first his younger brother, and then his father, into the rear seat.\u00a0 Hop Sing resumed his seat in the rear of the buggy.\u00a0 Then, Hoss hoisted himself into the front.\u00a0 When Adam joined him, they headed back to the house as silently as they\u2019d come.<\/p>\n

In the yard, Adam helped Joe down from the buggy seat, releasing his arm only when Hoss came around that side.\u00a0 As though helping an invalid, Hoss and Hop Sing flanked Joe as they made their way into the house.\u00a0 Once they were out of earshot, Adam said, \u201cHoss and I thought we\u2019d go over to the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

“What for?\u201d\u00a0 The thought turned Ben\u2019s stomach.<\/p>\n

\u201cPick up some more of Joe\u2019s things,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cClean the place up.\u00a0 He\u2019ll want to go back in there at some point.\u00a0 It needs to be scrubbed down before he does.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have to do anything today,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019ll be fine for a few days at least.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam was silent.\u00a0 \u201cShe was our sister-in-law,\u201d he said finally, his voice tight.<\/p>\n

Sister-in-law.\u00a0 Daughter-in-law.\u00a0 Wife.\u00a0 Deceased.\u00a0 How had Carrie gone from a beautiful young woman to a series of labels?\u00a0 From being the love of Joe\u2019s life to a mere memory, destined to fade?\u00a0 From living in the cottage in a sunny meadow to lying in a pine box in the dark, cold ground?\u00a0 How had daily life, with its secrets and lies\u2014and truth\u2014become too much to bear?<\/p>\n

Ben realized that Adam was still waiting for his answer.\u00a0 He nodded, his throat thick with tears.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t be late for dinner,\u201d he said hoarsely.<\/p>\n

Ben found Hoss and Joe in Joe\u2019s old room.\u00a0 Joe was sitting on the bed, his gaze was turned inward as though seeing one who was no longer there.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t seem to realize where he was, much less that Hoss was pulling his boots off and murmuring, \u201cThat\u2019s better.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get that tie off you, too.\u00a0 Then you can try and rest for a little while.\u201d\u00a0 He undid Ben\u2019s earlier handiwork, dropping the tie on the night table.<\/p>\n

As Hoss unbuttoned the top buttons of Joe\u2019s white shirt, Ben\u2019s breath caught.\u00a0 It shouldn\u2019t be surprising, though.\u00a0 Of course, Joe would wear his best shirt.\u00a0 Adam had retrieved clothes from Joe\u2019s house the night before, and it made perfect sense that he\u2019d have brought that one for today.\u00a0 It had been his gift to his little brother on Joe\u2019s nineteenth birthday, made specially by a tailor in San Francisco, and it was the only custom-made shirt Joe had ever owned.\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t recall the particular type of fabric, only that it was exotic and expensive.\u00a0 Joe had preened like a peacock the first time he saw it in the mirror.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe ladies won\u2019t be able to keep their hands off me now!\u201d he crowed.\u00a0 The others just laughed, but the truth was that he did look like the finest of gentlemen in that shirt.\u00a0 It came out only on very, very special occasions, and when it did, Joe always held himself just a little straighter.<\/p>\n

Even in his grieving stupor, Joe had reached for that shirt.\u00a0 It was probably the one he\u2019d\u00a0 worn the first time he took her out.\u00a0 He\u2019d worn it to marry Carrie, and now to bury her.\u00a0 Ben fought a sudden urge to rip the shirt off his back right then and there, to tuck it and all the memories it carried away in the back corner of a bottom drawer against the day that any of them could bear to see it again.<\/p>\n

Now, as Hoss assisted Joe, Ben poured a glass of water from the pitcher on the bureau and dissolved one of Paul\u2019s powders into it.\u00a0 He tried to wrap Joe\u2019s hand around the glass, but the glass nearly fell as Ben drew his hand back.\u00a0 He steadied the glass, guiding it to Joe\u2019s lips.\u00a0 \u201cDrink this, son,\u201d he murmured.\u00a0 Obediently, Joe drank.<\/p>\n

Hoss reached past his father to take the glass.\u00a0 \u201cYou get some rest now, Little Brother,\u201d he said, the gruffness in his voice belying his own pain.\u00a0 But Joe remained upright, unmoving, until Hoss pushed slightly at his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cJust lie down,\u201d he said, and after a moment, Joe obeyed.<\/p>\n

Ben drew the coverlet over him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know if Joe would need to be told to close his eyes or if the young man was so far removed from the room that it wouldn\u2019t matter anyway.\u00a0 Ben would almost have preferred the devastated grieving of the day before.\u00a0 He needn\u2019t have worried; Joe lay unmoving, so silent that he might already have been asleep.\u00a0 As the sleeping powder began to do its work, Joe\u2019s eyes took longer to open with each blink until finally, they stayed closed.\u00a0 The only sign that he was not resting comfortably was his hands.\u00a0 Even in sleep, they clutched at the coverlet, knuckles white as they crushed the fabric.<\/p>\n

Hoss turned to Ben.\u00a0 \u201cPa. . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice broke.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam told me what you\u2019re doing,\u201d Ben said in a low voice.\u00a0 \u201cGo ahead.\u00a0 I\u2019ll stay here with him.\u201d<\/p>\n

With one final look toward the bed, Hoss left the room.\u00a0 Ben watched him go.\u00a0 Then, he sat in the chair by his sleeping son\u2019s bed, his fingers smoothing and re-smoothing Joe\u2019s tie.<\/p>\n

How had it ever come to this?<\/em><\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

One year earlier<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

The young woman in the brown traveling dress stepped cautiously off the stage.\u00a0 Strands of wispy blond hair escaped from the careful knot.\u00a0 Large brown eyes looked anxiously up and down the street.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss?\u00a0 Where do you want your trunk?\u201d asked the stage driver.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2014I don\u2019t know, sir.\u00a0 The Gillams were supposed to meet me here.\u201d\u00a0 She looked up and down the street again, her fair complexion growing more pale.<\/p>\n

The driver climbed up on the stage and untied the trunk.\u00a0 He jumped down, then reached up and pulled it off the top of the coach.\u00a0 He dropped it unceremoniously by the stage office.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019ll be able to pick it up when they get here,\u201d he said, tipping his hat to her.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2014where are you going?\u201d\u00a0 She was doing her best to disguise her fear, but she was growing more frantic by the moment.\u00a0 \u201cThis is Virginia City, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is,\u201d said the driver, climbing back up on the seat.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve gotta be in Carson City by sundown.\u00a0 Good day, miss.\u201d\u00a0 With that, he clucked to the team and drove off.<\/p>\n

The young woman stood on the sidewalk, her hand to her throat.\u00a0 The street swam before her.\u00a0\u00a0Dear God, just don\u2019t let me faint,<\/em>\u00a0she prayed silently.\u00a0 Where were the Gillams?\u00a0 What had happened?\u00a0 How was it that she was standing on a strange street in an unknown town with no one she knew?\u00a0 She felt her eyes fill with tears and fumbled in her satchel for a handkerchief.\u00a0 She couldn\u2019t cry.\u00a0 Not here, in front of everybody.\u00a0 As she dabbed at her eyes, a voice at her elbow asked, \u201cIs everything all right, ma\u2019am?\u201d<\/p>\n

She turned to see a handsome young man in a green jacket that matched his eyes.\u00a0 His face was kind, his slight frown concerned.\u00a0 Immediately, she felt better.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cPlease forgive me.\u00a0 I\u2019m just very tired from the journey.\u201d<\/p>\n

The young man smiled then.\u00a0 It was a nice smile.\u00a0 It looked real, as though he wanted to help her rather than simply charm her.\u00a0 \u201cAre you meeting someone?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

She smiled gratefully.\u00a0 \u201cThe Gillams,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cOnly, as you see, they\u2019re not here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe not, but I am,\u201d said the young man.\u00a0 He extended his hand.\u00a0 \u201cJoe Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCaroline Mulrooney,\u201d she replied, taking his hand.\u00a0 She half-expected him to kiss her hand, but he merely held it for a moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Miss Mulrooney, I don\u2019t know where the Gillams are, but perhaps I can offer you some refreshment while you wait?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie felt herself relaxing into his care.\u00a0 She opened her mouth to accept his kind offer.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie!\u00a0 Carrie!\u00a0 There you are!\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry we\u2019re late!\u201d\u00a0 Ruth Gillam bustled up the street, waving her handkerchief and huffing as if she were making the most enormous effort.\u00a0 Ray Gillam, as skinny as his wife was not, followed behind her.\u00a0 Ray rarely spoke.\u00a0 Most folks thought it was because he didn\u2019t get much of a chance.<\/p>\n

As the Gillams reached them, Joe tipped his hat to Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cGood afternoon, Mrs. Gillam, Ray,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Carrie smiled.\u00a0 Nice manners.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, my dear, you must have been so worried when we weren\u2019t here to meet you!\u201d\u00a0 Mrs. Gillam wrapped her plump arms around Carrie, nearly smothering the girl in her ample bosom.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was fine, really,\u201d said Carrie.\u00a0 Over Mrs. Gillam\u2019s shoulder, she caught Joe\u2019s eye.\u00a0 He was trying to keep a straight face.\u00a0\u00a0Definitely nice.<\/em>\u00a0 As Mrs. Gillam released Carrie, only the twinkle in his eye told her that they were still sharing the joke.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, let\u2019s get you home,\u201d said Mrs. Gillam, taking Carrie\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cRay, take care of Carrie\u2019s luggage, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can take care of that for you, ma\u2019am,\u201d Joe offered.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got the buckboard right over there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, isn\u2019t that lovely!\u201d\u00a0 To Carrie, Mrs. Gillam added, \u201cLittle Joe has turned out to be such a fine young man.\u00a0 You\u2019d never have expected it when he was younger, he was such a little rapscallion, always getting in trouble everywhere, but now look at him.\u00a0 As fine and upstanding as his father and brothers!\u00a0 It just goes to show, you really can\u2019t tell about a person until they\u2019re grown, can you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I don\u2019t suppose you can,\u201d said Carrie.\u00a0 This time, the twinkle lit her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow, Carrie\u2019s going to be staying with us, so you just bring her luggage along to our house, Little Joe,\u201d instructed Mrs. Gillam.\u00a0 If she noticed or cared how he cringed at the nickname, she gave no sign.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do that,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cIs this everything?\u201d he added, gesturing to the trunk.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Little Joe,\u201d Carrie replied, dimples showing.\u00a0 He made a mock stern face at her, and she giggled as Mrs. Gillam swept her off toward the house, her bony husband following along behind.<\/p>\n

As Mrs. Gillam chattered, Carrie found herself thinking of Joe.\u00a0 He was undeniably attractive.\u00a0 More important, he seemed like a kind, caring person.\u00a0 She wondered how he would feel if he knew about her.\u00a0 She pushed the question out of her mind.\u00a0 If he loved her, nothing else would matter.\u00a0 Jonathan hadn\u2019t felt that way, but Jonathan clearly hadn\u2019t loved her.\u00a0 She was better off without him.\u00a0 Granted, she hadn\u2019t felt that way at first, but now that she was here and handsome Joe Cartwright was bringing her trunk, she could believe that she might be better off without an insensitive, selfish boor like Jonathan Walzer.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Gillam led her up the walk and across the porch of the white clapboard house.\u00a0 Carrie forced herself to focus on her hostess\u2019s monologue as they entered the house.\u00a0 She hadn\u2019t realized that the Gillams were so well off.\u00a0 Cut-glass lamps graced small tables in corners.\u00a0 Rich brocade draperies hung at the windows.\u00a0 Thick, ornately patterned rugs provided warmth and color against the highly-polished wooden floors.\u00a0 Graceful chairs and a settee, all upholstered in polished cotton, were assembled in conversational groupings.\u00a0 The round dining table glowed with years of careful polishing.\u00a0 A silver bowl of flowers sat at its center.<\/p>\n

Carrie immediately became aware of the hem that she\u2019d turned up to hide its frayed edge.\u00a0 Her shoes, though hidden beneath that hem, showed signs of wear.\u00a0 Her gloves were dirty from the trip.\u00a0 The dust of the road still coated her hat.\u00a0 She felt her heart beat faster.\u00a0 She hadn\u2019t realized how inadequately prepared she was to be here.<\/p>\n

A knock at the door startled her.\u00a0 She turned to see Joe with her trunk.\u00a0 \u201cWhere would you like me to put this?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Little Joe, you can put it upstairs in Carrie\u2019s room,\u201d said Mrs. Gillam.\u00a0 \u201cCome along, I\u2019ll show you.\u201d\u00a0 Carrie wondered for a moment if she should go with them.\u00a0 On the one hand, it was her room, and she hadn\u2019t yet seen it.\u00a0 On the other hand, she simply couldn\u2019t be in her bedroom with a young man, even if Mrs. Gillam was also there.\u00a0 She pretended to fuss with the flowers in the silver bowl until they came back down the stairs.\u00a0 She sensed Joe looking at her questioningly, but she pretended that the flowers were absorbing all of her attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Mulrooney?\u201d\u00a0 He was standing at her elbow.\u00a0 She looked up and smiled pleasantly, but not eagerly.\u00a0 \u201cI was wondering if you might permit me to take you to dinner tomorrow night,\u201d Joe said.<\/p>\n

Carrie\u2019s smile became genuine.\u00a0 Tomorrow night.\u00a0 How perfect he was:\u00a0 enough time to allow her to rest from her trip, but not so long as to raise a question about whether he truly wanted to see her.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d love to,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cUntil tomorrow night, then,\u201d he said, tipping his hat.\u00a0 \u201cGoodbye, Mrs. Gillam, Ray,\u201d he added.\u00a0 Carrie remained by the table, fussing with the flowers until she heard the door close behind him.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know about this.\u201d\u00a0 Ruth Gillam paced back and forth across the parlor.\u00a0 \u201cThat Cartwright boy has quite a reputation.\u00a0 I think I should chaperone them.\u00a0 After all, better safe than sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be ridiculous.\u201d\u00a0 Ray rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie\u2019s as safe with Joe Cartwright as she\u2019d be with you or me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what about her reputation?\u00a0 If we allow her to go out unchaperoned, what will people think?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI expect they\u2019ll think she\u2019s a grown woman,\u201d Ray said.\u00a0 He turned to Carrie, who had been sitting wordlessly on the settee.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think, Carrie?\u00a0 Do you want to have dinner alone with this man?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u201cWell . . . do you think it\u2019s all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d said Ray.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Ruth at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not as though she\u2019s got kin here to protect her,\u201d said Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re all she\u2019s got, and we\u2019re bound to do right by her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd we are,\u201d said Ray.\u00a0 \u201cThe Cartwrights are good people.\u00a0 She couldn\u2019t be in better hands.\u00a0 Besides, it\u2019s not like Little Joe\u2019s going to take her off to Genoa or something.\u00a0 They\u2019re just going to have dinner right here in town.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that what he said?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe said dinner.\u201d\u00a0 Carrie hated how timid her voice sounded.\u00a0 She wanted to be\u2014well, not like Mrs. Gillam, but able to speak up for herself better.\u00a0 Sometimes, she felt as if she\u2019d spent her whole life being taken care of.\u00a0 Not that this was a bad thing, but she\u2019d always admired people like Edie, who could stand up for other people.\u00a0 Maybe that kind of thing was just easier in a small town like Bushnell Flats, where everybody knew everybody.\u00a0 Virginia City seemed to be large and loud and dusty, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was as scared as she was fascinated.\u00a0 Not that she\u2019d been outside much yet, but when she and Mrs. Gillam had walked over to the mercantile to order supplies, she\u2019d heard rough voices all around.\u00a0 Right in front of them, two men had come tumbling out the batwing doors of the saloon, cussing and pummeling each other without the slightest regard for anyone else.\u00a0 Mrs. Gillam had simply taken Carrie\u2019s arm and walked her around them, shaking her head, but Carrie couldn\u2019t help looking back to see if they were still fighting.\u00a0 As she watched, another man came out and shouted at them, hauling them back inside.\u00a0 Turning back, Carrie nearly bumped into a post, but luckily, Mrs. Gillam didn\u2019t seem to notice.<\/p>\n

So, yes, part of her would have been more comfortable with someone else joining them for dinner, but there was that other part of her. . . .\u00a0 She thought of his kind eyes, and her heart fluttered in that delicious way it had the first time Jonathan smiled at her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need a chaperone,\u201d she said.\u00a0 Joe Cartwright would never hurt her.\u00a0 She was certain of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen it\u2019s settled,\u201d said Ray.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2014\u201d Ruth began, but Ray gave her a look that Carrie didn\u2019t understand, and the large woman turned on her heel and left with a loud \u201cHmmpf!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t mind Ruth,\u201d said Ray.\u00a0 \u201cShe takes her responsibilities a mite too serious sometimes, but she has a fine heart.\u00a0 Your mama was a good friend to her, and she doesn\u2019t forget that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie smiled.\u00a0 The truth was that she barely remembered her mother, but she\u2019d heard so many stories about her over the years that sometimes she felt like she recalled more than she did.<\/p>\n

Later that evening, as she and Joe Cartwright sat in a lovely little restaurant, she said as much when he asked where her folks lived.\u00a0 He looked almost stunned for a second, and then a smile of understanding broke over his face.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s sort of how it is for me, too,\u201d he admitted.\u00a0 \u201cMy mother died when I was about five, but I\u2019ve heard my pa and brothers talk about her so much that sometimes I can\u2019t tell what I remember and what they\u2019ve told me.\u201d\u00a0 His eyes glowed in the lamplight, and Carrie felt a quick catch in her throat.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt must have been wonderful to grow up with a pa, though.\u201d\u00a0 She looked down for a second; even now, the thought could sometimes overwhelm her.\u00a0 You were lucky, she reminded herself.\u00a0 She\u2019d had Edie and her brothers, who were almost like her own brothers, as well as Edie’s husband who was almost like a pa.\u00a0 She\u2019d even had Mrs. Gillam for a short time back when she was Ruth Swenson, before she\u2019d married Ray Gillam and moved away; Mrs. Gillam hadn\u2019t lived with them, of course, and six-year-old Carrie had been intimidated by her booming voice and manner, but she\u2019d always known that Mama\u2019s friends were looking out for her.\u00a0 So, she\u2019d had lots of family, even if she hadn\u2019t actually had parents.<\/p>\n

When she looked up, Joe was peering at her.\u00a0 \u201cAre you okay?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Flustered, she nodded.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think we should order?\u201d she asked, as much to change the subject as to redirect her thoughts from the way she suddenly felt when she looked at him.\u00a0 The feelings were catching her entirely by surprise, and she wasn\u2019t quite certain what to make of them.\u00a0 A rush of heat in her body made her very, very aware of the fact that Joe Cartwright was not just sweet, but handsome.\u00a0 His thick curls were barely tamed with hair oil, his skin hadn\u2019t yet been tanned to leather by years of hard work in the sun, and thick lashes that fringed his green eyes.\u00a0 Even under his crisp white shirt\u2014she wondered who kept his clothes so nice in that all-man household\u2014she could see that he was lean and yet muscular.\u00a0 His lips were parted just a bit, and for the first time in her life, Carrie wanted nothing more than to nibble on a man\u2019s lower lip.\u00a0 She bowed her head, blushing furiously.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie, what is it?\u00a0 Do you feel all right?\u201d\u00a0 His hand touched hers, and she thought for a moment that she was going to swoon right there.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d she said, nodding vigorously.\u00a0 \u201cReally, I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWould you like some water?\u00a0 Or maybe we could go outside and get some fresh air, and eat later?\u201d\u00a0 He was already getting to his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome water, please.\u201d\u00a0 Dusk was falling outside.\u00a0 The last thing she needed was to place her hand on his strong arm as they walked outside.\u00a0 She\u2019d probably fall right down at the mere touch.\u00a0 Worse, she might lose all control and take advantage of the growing dark to kiss him, and then he\u2019d think she was fast and he\u2019d never come calling again.<\/p>\n

Vaguely, she heard Joe calling the waiter and asking for some water for \u201cthe lady.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Oh, dear heavens,<\/em>\u00a0she thought as he took the glass from the waiter and set it down carefully by her plate.\u00a0 If she wasn\u2019t careful, she would fall in love right here and now, before she\u2019d even been in town for two days.\u00a0 She\u2019d heard about girls who thought that the way to get over one man was to fall in love with another, but she\u2019d never been like that.\u00a0 Jonathan had been her first love, or so she\u2019d thought.\u00a0 Now, as she allowed Joe Cartwright to hand her a glass of water, she accepted it with a tremulous smile of thanks and knew that she\u2019d never been in love before.<\/p>\n

He kept the conversation light over dinner, and she was grateful.\u00a0 He told her funny stories about life on a ranch, and when she laughed, his beautiful boyish grin widened.\u00a0 If he was being careful not to ask personal questions, he disguised that care with concerns about whether she\u2019d enjoyed her dinner and whether she might like dessert.\u00a0 She said yes, not because she wanted anything more to eat, but because she didn\u2019t want the evening to end.<\/p>\n

Eventually, though, she looked up to find that they were the last people in the restaurant.\u00a0 \u201cI suppose I should be getting you home,\u201d Joe said, and he sounded reluctant, as though he didn\u2019t want to let her go.<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose so,\u201d she agreed, and while she tried to hide the reluctance in her own voice, his smile told her that she hadn\u2019t succeeded and he was glad.<\/p>\n

Outside, she took his arm, and they strolled down the board sidewalk.\u00a0 The noise from the saloons didn\u2019t seem nearly as scary as it had in daylight with Mrs. Gillam.\u00a0 With Joe Cartwright by her side, she didn\u2019t need to be afraid of anything.\u00a0 She just knew it.<\/p>\n

Too soon, though, they reached the Gillams\u2019 house.\u00a0 He escorted her up the two steps to the porch.\u00a0 \u201cI had a wonderful evening,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for letting me take you to dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n

She felt herself blushing.\u00a0 \u201cI did, too,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cThank you so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then, he said the thing she\u2019d wanted most to hear:\u00a0 \u201cMay I see you again?\u201d<\/p>\n

She knew that she should put him off.\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t be eager.\u00a0 She should make him work.\u00a0 But all those games felt silly and artificial.\u00a0 Her feelings were real, and if being honest about them would make him go away, then it was better to know now.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she said.\u00a0 His eyes met hers, and her heart pounded at the thought that he might kiss her.\u00a0 She knew that if he did, she should slap his face, but she couldn\u2019t imagine doing such a thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie?\u00a0 Is that you?\u201d came Ruth Gillam\u2019s voice from inside.<\/p>\n

For a moment, they froze as though they\u2019d been caught doing something wrong.\u00a0 Then, at the same instant, they were both overtaken with giggles that they tried unsuccessfully to smother.\u00a0 \u201cYes, Mrs. Gillam,\u201d she called as soon as she could speak.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that Cartwright boy with you?\u201d Ruth Gillam demanded.\u00a0 Her large silhouette was clearly visible on the other side of the curtains.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mrs. Gillam,\u201d Joe echoed, his eyes dancing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, Carrie, you just send that boy home and come inside.\u201d\u00a0 They could practically hear her crossing her arms, prepared to stand there until she was obeyed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mrs. Gillam,\u201d Carrie said.\u00a0 She lowered her voice, and her giggles faded.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for a wonderful evening, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 She held out her hand, and when he picked it up and kissed it briefly, she thought she might faint from pure happiness.<\/p>\n

\u201cDinner on Saturday?\u201d he half-whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 Good night, Joe.\u201d\u00a0 She gave his fingers the slightest squeeze and let herself inside.\u00a0 As she turned to close the door, she saw him still standing on the porch, and he touched the brim of his hat in farewell as she closed the door.\u00a0 She leaned against the painted wood, listening as his boots clacked against the porch steps.<\/p>\n

Then, she looked up to see Mrs. Gillam standing, arms crossed.\u00a0 Carrie couldn\u2019t tell whether she looked stern or worried, but at that moment, she didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 \u201cGood night, Mrs. Gillam,\u201d she said, floating up the stairs to dream of Joe Cartwright and Saturday.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe!\u00a0 Pay attention, will you?\u201d snapped Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m paying attention!\u201d retorted Joe.\u00a0 To prove it, he flipped the little bull calf and held it firmly while Hoss branded it and Adam castrated it.\u00a0 Then, he released the calf, and as it ran, bleating, back to its mother, he took a second to think about Carrie.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t said anything about her to his family, but they knew there must be a new girl in his life.\u00a0 Extra trips to town, distraction, the occasional goofy grin\u2014the Cartwrights knew when Joe had fallen in love.\u00a0 Not that it was unusual\u2014Adam had once joked that Joe could fall in love three times in a day without breaking a sweat.<\/p>\n

But this time, it was different.\u00a0 There was something special about Carrie.\u00a0 She was so lovely, so sweet, so innocent.\u00a0 And yet, there was a look in her eyes that said that she knew what it was to be hurt badly, and she was going to try to protect herself.\u00a0\u00a0Don\u2019t you worry<\/em>, he wanted to tell her.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ll never hurt you.<\/em>\u00a0 His family would have said he was being ridiculous.\u00a0 He\u2019d only known her for four days, but he knew deep in his soul that he wanted to hold her, to protect her, to take care of her.\u00a0 To marry her.\u00a0 To raise a family with her.\u00a0 To grow old with her.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d dropped by the Gillams\u2019 the day before when he was in town to pick up supplies.\u00a0 As he raised his hand to knock on the door, he heard an ethereal voice singing with a piano that sounded as if it had been made just to accompany her.\u00a0 It couldn\u2019t be Ruth Gillam.\u00a0 There was no way that such a sound could have come out of a woman who looked that much like Hoss.\u00a0 He stood on the porch, listening.\u00a0 When the song ended, he took a deep breath and knocked, and when Carrie opened the door, the slightly flustered expression on her face revealed that she knew she\u2019d been heard.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d\u00a0 Her voice was slightly breathless.\u00a0 \u201cWon\u2019t you come in?\u201d<\/p>\n

His fingers played with the brim of his hat as he stepped into the entry hall.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t stay long, but I wanted to say hello while I was in town.\u201d\u00a0 He felt like a schoolboy.\u00a0 She was so delicate, so sweet, and with just a bit of spice like when she giggled at Ruth Gillam\u2019s bellowing.\u00a0 And now . . . he remembered hearing Adam talk about hearing someone who sang like an angel, but he hadn\u2019t really been able to imagine what that would sound like.\u00a0 Now, he knew.\u00a0 Her voice was pure and clear as a sparkling mountain spring reflecting the sunlight.\u00a0 The tiniest bit of pink colored her cheek.\u00a0 More to buy time than anything else, he asked, \u201cWas that you singing?\u201d<\/p>\n

The pink in her cheeks deepened.\u00a0 \u201cYes,\u201d she murmured, looking down.<\/p>\n

He wanted to say something eloquent and poetic, the way Adam would have.\u00a0 Something to let this gentle young woman know that he had manners and refinement, that he wasn\u2019t just another dusty cowboy.\u00a0 Instead, he blurted, \u201cThat was the prettiest thing I ever heard.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was nothing.\u201d\u00a0 He could barely hear her now.\u00a0 It was like she didn\u2019t believe him, like she thought he was just saying it to be nice.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure it was.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard a lot of singing in my life, but I ain\u2019t never heard anybody who sings like you.\u201d\u00a0 He could have kicked himself.\u00a0 Hadn\u2019t Pa and Adam been correcting his\u00a0ain\u2019t nevers<\/em>\u00a0for his whole life?\u00a0 Now she was bound to think he was just another uneducated jasper.\u00a0 He cast around frantically for something sophisticated and insightful to say as the silence between them lengthened, but nothing presented itself.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I should get going,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cBut I\u2019ll see you on Saturday?\u201d\u00a0 He waited until she nodded, and then he touched the brim of his hat and mumbled a farewell as he let himself out.\u00a0 After the door closed behind him, he stood on the porch, listening, but he didn\u2019t hear her singing again.\u00a0 Finally, he just headed back over to the feed store to pick up the order.<\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t go back into town on Friday because there was branding to be done, but he\u2019d written her a note and slipped it to Hop Sing after breakfast.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t the first time the little Chinese man had played courier for Joe, although when Joe mentioned Ruth Gillam, Hop Sing looked apprehensive.\u00a0 \u201cYou just have to give Carrie the note,\u201d Joe reassured him.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t even have to talk to Ruth.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019d sat up half the night trying to come up with something to say that would let her know that he really had liked her singing, and while he wasn\u2019t certain that the finished product was any better than what he\u2019d said in her front hall, hopefully she\u2019d appreciate the fact that he\u2019d tried.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Joe!\u00a0 Wake up!\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019 hat smacked him on the head.\u00a0 Carrie\u2019s sweet voice faded in Joe\u2019s mind, drowned out by the lowing of cattle, the shouting and cussing of cowboys, the beating of hooves against the packed dirt, and his brothers\u2019 laughter.<\/p>\n

Adam rolled his eyes.\u00a0 To Hoss, he said, \u201cYou know what\u2019s going on, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss grinned.\u00a0 \u201cI reckon there\u2019s a new filly in town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLooks as if she\u2019s got our little brother hog-tied already,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cVery funny,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, let\u2019s get this finished.\u201d\u00a0 Because Hop Sing might be back, and I\u2019ve got to see what Carrie thought of my note.\u00a0 He reached for the next calf.\u00a0 As he leaned over and started to flip it, a ball of fire seemed to explode in his back.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t keep back a yell, and he dropped the calf\u2019s feet as he grabbed for his back.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u00a0 You all right?\u201d\u00a0 He could feel Hoss holding him up.\u00a0 \u201cYou get kicked?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy back,\u201d he managed.\u00a0 Two years ago, Joe had wrenched his back in a particularly nasty fall from a bronc.\u00a0 Since then, there had been two other times when a simple movement, such as turning the wrong way, had left him paralyzed with sudden, blinding agony.\u00a0 The last time had been just two days before Christmas; Joe had ended up in bed with so much laudanum that he\u2019d barely known the day arrived.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you need?\u201d\u00a0 Adam\u2019s voice was calm and controlled, the concern and sympathy vibrating underneath the simple words.<\/p>\n

\u201cDown.\u201d\u00a0 Speaking, moving, thinking\u2014it all felt white-hot and violent.\u00a0 As carefully as they could, Adam and Hoss helped him to lie flat on the ground.\u00a0 He could hear them talking, but he could barely understand them.\u00a0 It was worse this time than it had ever been.\u00a0 He bit his lip to keep from crying out, and he felt Adam\u2019s capable hand on his shoulder as though his brother understood.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss has gone for the buckboard,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019ll be right back, and then we can get you home.\u00a0 Jake\u2019s already gone for the doctor, and he\u2019ll probably meet us back at the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nodded ever so slightly to let his brother know he\u2019d heard.\u00a0 As if at a great distance, he could hear cattle lowing and men shouting and Adam calling out that Joe was all right and they should just get on with the branding.\u00a0 He closed his eyes, and Adam wiped his face with a wet bandanna.<\/p>\n

It seemed forever before Hoss arrived.\u00a0 Slowly, carefully, they moved him onto a blanket and four men lifted it by its corners to maneuver him into the buckboard.\u00a0 \u201cNow, don\u2019t you move,\u201d said Hoss, as if Joe could have.\u00a0 He bit his lip as they jostled him, but even when he could taste salty blood, he managed not to make a sound.<\/p>\n

\u201cLittle Brother, I\u2019m gonna take it easy as much as I can,\u201d Hoss promised.\u00a0 He\u2019d gathered some pillows to help to cushion Joe, but moving him to put them underneath him caused so much pain that it almost wasn\u2019t worth it.\u00a0 Adam stayed in the back, trying to keep Joe from getting bounced around too much as Hoss focused on avoiding ruts and rocks.\u00a0 Sometimes, when they hit a particularly hard bump, Joe couldn\u2019t help crying out.\u00a0 If he\u2019d felt any less miserable, he\u2019d have been embarrassed, but as it was, he couldn\u2019t even make himself care.<\/p>\n

It seemed forever before Hoss drew the team to a halt.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re home, Joe,\u201d Adam said.\u00a0 Hoss was calling for Pa, and two of the men rode into the yard behind them to help get Joe upstairs.\u00a0 He knew they all meant well, so he just squinched his eyes shut to hold back tears as each movement jarred him, sending fiery waves of torture through his body.<\/p>\n

They laid him on the bed, and he let down his guard.\u00a0 It was a mistake.\u00a0 When they tugged at his boot, he couldn\u2019t help himself.\u00a0 \u201cStop!\u201d\u00a0 Panic broke his voice, and he gripped the mattress as hard as he could, but tears spilled over.\u00a0 Mortified, he blocked his face with his hand.\u00a0 He heard voices, and then the door closed.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay, Joe, it\u2019s just us,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 He stroked his brother\u2019s forehead as he added over his shoulder, \u201cHoss, just cut his boots off.\u201d\u00a0 At another time, Joe would have protested, but now, he just lay with his eyes closed, tensed against the onslaught of pain that bombarded him every time he even drew breath.<\/p>\n

They undressed him down to his drawers, turned him on his stomach, and drew the quilt up over him.\u00a0 Hop Sing brought up the long, flat irons he used for pressing clothes, heated and well-wrapped in towels, and he laid them with infinite gentleness on Joe\u2019s back.\u00a0 \u201cThis help back not be so hard,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He looked from Adam to Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing bring medicine?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cIf he takes the laudanum now, he\u2019s not going to be able to tell Doc anything when he arrives.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing nodded somberly.\u00a0 It tore at his heart to see Little Joe suffering like this.\u00a0 He\u2019d known the boy since the day he was born, and in his secret heart of hearts, he felt toward the youngest Cartwright as he might have toward a son of his own.\u00a0 He rested his fingertips feather-light on the back of Joe\u2019s neck and murmured something in his native tongue that Hoss and Adam didn\u2019t understand, but Joe did, and he nodded ever so slightly.<\/p>\n

The door opened, and Ben Cartwright stood stockstill, taking in the scene.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u201d he demanded in a low voice.<\/p>\n

Quickly, Adam recounted the events of the morning and what had been done so far to ease his brother\u2019s torment.\u00a0 \u201cThe doctor\u2019s on his way,\u201d he finished, stepping back to allow his father to see Joe.<\/p>\n

Ben moved to his youngest son\u2019s side.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019re you feeling, son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d Joe managed, but his voice cracked even on that single syllable.<\/p>\n

Ben pulled the bedside chair close so that he could put his face down next to Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re going to be all right,\u201d he said, resting his fingers on the boy\u2019s cheekbone.\u00a0 \u201cThis is the same thing that happened at Christmas, remember?\u00a0 A few days in bed, and you were just fine.\u00a0 It\u2019s the same thing again.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to have a few rough days, and then you\u2019ll just take it easy for a little while, and you\u2019ll be as good as new.\u201d\u00a0 Joe was biting his lower lip, and Ben stroked his cheek to try to ease the tension in the young face.\u00a0 \u201cI know you\u2019re hurting, son,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cAs soon as Doc gets here, we\u2019ll be able to give you some painkiller, and you can go to sleep, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d whispered Joe.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say more, but Ben could hear the unspoken words:\u00a0\u00a0it hurts so bad.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben bowed his head to hold Joe\u2019s hand against his cheek.\u00a0 He felt the boy\u2019s fingers curl around his.\u00a0 He moved again to where Joe could see him.\u00a0 \u201cClose your eyes, son,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cTry to rest.\u00a0 The doctor will be here soon, I promise.\u201d\u00a0 Obediently, Joe closed his eyes, and Ben stroked his hair in an effort to help him relax.\u00a0 There was nothing worse than watching his son suffer.\u00a0 It was one part of being a father that he\u2019d never gotten used to.<\/p>\n

Another two hours crawled by before Doc Martin entered the room.\u00a0 Hop Sing\u2019s irons had been reheated and replaced, interspersed with hot, wet towels.\u00a0 The doctor felt up and down Joe\u2019s back, pressing as lightly as he could while still garnering the necessary information and taking particular note of the spots that made Joe gasp.\u00a0 He asked a few questions, looking solemn at the answers but making no comment.<\/p>\n

Finally, he pulled the covers up over Joe.\u00a0 He poured laudanum into a spoon and maneuvered two spoonfuls between Joe\u2019s lips.\u00a0 Grimly, Ben noted that the boy looked positively relieved at the introduction of the medicine that he normally hated above all else, claiming that it made him feel as if his head were stuffed with hay and wrapped in blankets.\u00a0 Doc gestured with a nod for the others to join him in the hall, drawing the door closed behind them.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least he\u2019ll sleep for a while now,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cIf the hot irons and the towels are giving him some relief, keep them up.\u00a0 Make sure he stays flat and doesn\u2019t move any more than absolutely necessary\u2014not that that\u2019s likely to be a problem for the next few days.\u00a0 Give him two spoonfuls of the laudanum every six hours, and don\u2019t get behind if you can help it.\u201d\u00a0 He put on his hat.\u00a0 \u201cIf he isn\u2019t better in a couple days, let me know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d\u00a0 Adam raised a skeptical eyebrow.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s all you\u2019re going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam,\u201d remonstrated his father.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s all I can do,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s like I said last time.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s probably going to have this kind of problems for the rest of his life.\u00a0 Being careful will help, but the fact is that people with bad backs sometimes find that even some silly little thing that normally isn\u2019t a problem will trigger a situation like this.\u00a0 The only thing you can do for him is keep him still and give him the pain medicine and whatever else you find that helps, like the irons or the hot towels.\u00a0 Believe me, I wish there were more I could do, but right now, the best thing you can do is to keep him sedated and let him sleep through it as much as possible.\u00a0 If he\u2019s awake, he\u2019s liable to keep tensing up against the pain, and that\u2019s only going to prolong the problem.\u00a0 The more he sleeps, the more chance that those muscles will be able to relax and whatever\u2019s flared up will have a chance to heal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sleeping through it as much as possible meant that Joe was barely conscious for the next couple of days.\u00a0 He swallowed the spoonfuls of broth his father maneuvered into his mouth, and he groaned and gripped his brothers\u2019 arms as they shifted him so that he could attend to his personal needs, but apart from that, the painkiller kept him mercifully oblivious.\u00a0 When the day came that he awoke and moved with pain that was more of an ache than a stab, a bleary smile crossed his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, the sleeping beauty is finally waking up,\u201d smiled Ben.\u00a0 He pushed back the unruly curls from his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cHow do you feel?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike I had a big night in town with too much whiskey,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He started to try to turn over onto his back, but he caught his breath and dropped back down on his belly.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s just take it slow,\u201d cautioned his father.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not going anywhere anyway.\u00a0 From what Doc says, it\u2019s going to take some time before you\u2019re ready to be up and around.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019ll be okay for the drive to St. Louis.\u201d\u00a0 It was a statement rather than a question, but Ben shook his head anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom the looks of things, you may not even be out of bed by then.\u201d\u00a0 The cattle drive was still two weeks away, but Ben felt confident that the doctor would back his opinion that Little Joe would most definitely not be recovered enough to ride in only two weeks.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot out of bed?\u201d\u00a0 Joe squinted.\u00a0 There was some reason other than the obvious ones that that wasn\u2019t sitting right with him.\u00a0 \u201cHow long has it been already?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is the fourth day,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cYour back flared up Friday morning, and this is Monday.\u201d<\/p>\n

Friday.\u00a0 Monday.<\/em>\u00a0 There was something he was forgetting.\u00a0 He tried to chase down the elusive thought, but it kept dodging his grasp.\u00a0 He was just about to give up when it hit him.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no.\u201d\u00a0 Joe closed his eyes, not from physical pain this time.\u00a0 \u201cI was supposed to see Carrie on Saturday.\u00a0 We were going to have dinner and go to the dance.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who is Carrie?\u201d\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t recognize the name, but it barely mattered.\u00a0 Keeping up with Joe\u2019s love life was close to impossible.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie Mulrooney,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s new in town.\u00a0 She\u2019s beautiful and sweet and gentle and just\u2014just wonderful, Pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben smiled.\u00a0 \u201cSounds as if you\u2019re quite taken with the lady.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I am,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cNot that she\u2019ll have anything to do with me now. \u00a0Standing her up, not even sending a message\u2014she\u2019s never going to speak to me again.\u201d\u00a0 He looked almost as miserable as he had on Friday.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sure she\u2019ll understand,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cThere wasn\u2019t anything you could have done.\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked unconvinced.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cYour brothers are going into town this morning.\u00a0 They can stop by Miss Mulrooney\u2019s house and tell her what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe brightened.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a great idea,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll write her a note, and they can take it.\u201d\u00a0 He started to roll over quickly, but he couldn\u2019t hold back a cry of pain.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, if you don\u2019t stay right where you are, I\u2019m going to give you a double dose of painkiller, and you\u2019ll sleep until Thursday,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cJust tell your brothers what you want to say to this girl, and I\u2019m sure they\u2019ll take care of the matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Two hours later, Hoss and Adam stood on the Gillams\u2019 front porch.\u00a0 Hoss held a large bouquet.\u00a0 \u201cMake sure it\u2019s a big one,\u201d Joe had said.\u00a0 \u201cBest you can find.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou think Joe would like this?\u201d asked Hoss, moving a sunflower.<\/p>\n

Adam rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re as bad as he is.\u201d\u00a0 He knocked smartly on the door.<\/p>\n

When Ruth Gillam opened the door, her glare was as fierce as either Cartwright had ever seen unaccompanied by a shotgun.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d she demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh\u2014well\u2014we\u2019ve come to see Miss Mulrooney,\u201d said Adam, his hat appropriately in his hand.\u00a0 He elbowed Hoss, who removed his hat.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you have, have you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u2019m, we have,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cSee, Little Joe asked us to come and bring her these.\u201d\u00a0 He held out the bouquet.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, he did, did he?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, he did,\u201d said Adam with only the slightest edge to his voice.\u00a0 \u201cMay we see the lady?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018May we see the lady?\u2019\u201d Ruth Gillam mimicked.\u00a0 In her normal voice, she said, \u201cNo, you may not see the lady.\u00a0 She\u2019ll never see another Cartwright again if I have anything to say about it.\u00a0 That poor girl\u2014she actually believed your brother when he said all those pretty things to her.\u00a0 And now\u2014she spent all Saturday night sitting in that parlor, dressed up, convinced that he was going to show up just the way he\u2019d said, but no\u2014not him, and not even a message or an explanation.\u00a0 And the next day\u2014not a word from that Lothario!\u00a0 She\u2019s been sitting in her room, crying like a little girl, ever since.\u00a0 And he can\u2019t even be bothered coming himself\u2014he sends the two of you!\u00a0 Where is he, off with another girl?\u00a0 I tell you, hanging\u2019s too good for the likes of him.\u00a0 Now, go away and leave her alone!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Mrs. Gillam\u2014\u201d began Hoss, but the door slammed soundly in his face.\u00a0 He turned to his brother.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do we do now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam blew out his breath.\u00a0 Bad enough he was having to play messenger for Romeo and Juliet, but now he had to deal with the obstreperous landlady.\u00a0 His answer to Hoss was to knock loudly and determinedly on the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing?\u00a0 I told you to go away!\u201d\u00a0 She began to fling the door closed as hard as she\u2019d flung it open, but Adam blocked her efforts.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have some things to say to Miss Mulrooney, and she just might find them interesting,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cSo, we\u2019d be most obliged if you would tell her we\u2019re here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do no such thing, Adam Cartwright!\u00a0 You and your high and mighty ways can just get right off my porch, do you hear me?\u00a0 Or I\u2019ll send for the sheriff!\u00a0 Carrie wants nothing to do with any of you Cartrwights!\u00a0 Now, go!\u201d\u00a0 She slammed the door again.<\/p>\n

The brothers looked at each other.\u00a0 \u201cNow what?\u201d asked Hoss finally, the bouquet in his hand looking inappropriately cheerful.<\/p>\n

\u201cToo bad Ray isn\u2019t around,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cRuth isn\u2019t going to let us within a mile of that girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMebbe Ray\u2019s over at the saloon,\u201d suggested Hoss hopefully.<\/p>\n

Adam rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cMakes as much sense as anything else,\u201d he shrugged.\u00a0 The Cartwrights started down the steps, but Hoss stopped.\u00a0 He regarded the flowers for a moment.\u00a0 Then, he went back up onto the porch and laid them carefully on the rocking chair nearest the door.\u00a0 Satisfied, he followed his brother out into the dusty street.<\/p>\n

That evening, Joe was distinctly\u00a0un<\/em>satisfied.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean, you didn\u2019t see her?\u201d he demanded.\u00a0 He started to try to sit up, but a stab of pain forced him back down.\u00a0 \u201cYou said you were going to take care of everything!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, we tried,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cBut that she-wolf wouldn\u2019t even tell your girl that we were there.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s a tough old bird,\u201d added Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cWe tried to find Ray to talk some sense into her, but he wasn\u2019t around nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat,\u201d said Joe miserably.\u00a0 \u201cNow, Carrie\u2019s never going to talk to me again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCheer up,\u201d said Adam diffidently.\u00a0 \u201cThere are plenty of other girls in Virginia City\u2014and none of them live with Ruth Gillam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not funny!\u201d snapped Joe.\u00a0 He bit his lip, closing his eyes against another stab of pain.\u00a0 When it had passed, he met Adam\u2019s amused gaze with dead seriousness.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m in love with her,\u201d Little Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cI love her more than anything in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was Adam\u2019s turn to bite his lip.\u00a0 It seemed as though he\u2019d been hearing that line at least once a week since his brother was ten years old.\u00a0 He made himself hold back every smart remark that wanted to come out, and there were a lot of them.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t even roll his eyes, although he was sorely tempted.\u00a0 Finally, when he\u2019d established sufficient control, he said, \u201cAre you sure?\u201d\u00a0 When Joe nodded, Adam sighed.\u00a0 \u201cI think that you\u2019re going to need to wait until you\u2019re better, and then you can go and see her yourself.\u00a0 Ruth seemed to find it offensive that we were there in your stead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t you tell her that Little Joe can\u2019t even get out of bed?\u201d asked Ben.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe didn\u2019t get the chance,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cShe just yelled at us and slammed the door\u2014twice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s it, then,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI have to go see her myself.\u201d\u00a0 He gritted his teeth as he turned over.\u00a0 His breathing was becoming ragged, but he started to push himself up to a sitting position.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust a minute, young man,\u201d said Ben, placing a firm hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cWhere do you think you\u2019re going?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to see Carrie,\u201d said Joe, as if the question were just shy of ridiculous.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got to talk to her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you\u2019ve got to do is stay in bed,\u201d said his father firmly, pushing him back.\u00a0 \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t make it to the top of the stairs.\u00a0 Doc said that you need to rest, and that\u2019s exactly what you\u2019re going to do\u2014right here, in this bed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Pa\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo buts, Joseph,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 His voice softened.\u00a0 \u201cTomorrow morning, you can write her a note, and one of us will take it into town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, get me some paper.\u00a0 It\u2019s in my top desk drawer\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said \u2018tomorrow morning,\u2019\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing\u2019s going to bring up those hot towels in a little while, and you\u2019re going to rest the way the doctor said you\u2019re supposed to.\u201d\u00a0 He patted Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Joe.\u00a0 You and Carrie will work things out, and everything will be just fine.\u201d\u00a0 Much later, when Ben recalled this conversation, he would wonder where he\u2019d gotten the nerve.<\/p>\n

The dawn hadn\u2019t quite broken when Ben awoke to the sound of furniture falling.\u00a0 The muffled curses that followed told him all he needed to know.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph!\u201d he thundered as he yanked on his dressing gown.<\/p>\n

Sure enough, he found Joe leaning heavily against his desk, the chair knocked over where he\u2019d apparently lunged into it.\u00a0 \u201cWhat in tarnation do you think you\u2019re doing?\u201d Ben demanded as he took Joe\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cGet yourself back in bed!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just need to get some paper.\u00a0 Gotta write Carrie\u2019s note.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice was breathless with pain.\u00a0 Grumbling about pigheaded sons who wouldn\u2019t recognize a lick of sense if it bit them on the nose, Ben helped Joe back into bed, glaring as a groan escaped the boy.<\/p>\n

\u201cNext time, wait until somebody\u2019s awake to help you!\u201d Ben snapped.\u00a0 He righted the chair and started for the door, but Joe\u2019s voice stopped him.<\/p>\n

\u201cCould you give me that paper and a pencil?\u00a0 Right over there.\u201d\u00a0 Joe pointed to the desk.<\/p>\n

Ben took a deep breath for control.\u00a0 \u201cGo back to sleep,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cYou can write your note later.\u00a0 Nobody\u2019s leaving for town before breakfast.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Pa!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben was about to deliver his standard response of \u201cNo buts, young man!\u201d, but for some reason, he stormed back over to the desk and snatched up the small stack of paper and a half-worn pencil, thrusting them at his son with an irritated \u201cHere!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Pa!\u201d came Joe\u2019s voice as Ben stomped down the corridor, the notion of going back to sleep vanishing like morning mist in the sunrise.<\/p>\n

When he brought up Joe\u2019s breakfast tray an hour later, he found his son nibbling the end of the pencil.\u00a0 Crumpled balls of paper littered the floor beside the bed.\u00a0 Ben raised an eyebrow.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t figure out what to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked up from his latest effort.\u00a0 \u201cIt just doesn\u2019t sound right.\u00a0 No matter what I say, it sounds like I\u2019m making up excuses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust tell her the truth,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019s your back?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want her thinking I\u2019m some kind of an invalid.\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s mind was clearly not on his father\u2019s question.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got to make it sound serious enough to explain why I didn\u2019t come, but not so serious she\u2019ll think I\u2019m some sickly thing she\u2019d have to spend her life taking care of.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Spend her life\u2019?\u00a0 Aren\u2019t you getting a little ahead of yourself?\u00a0 Move your paper,\u201d Ben added as he started to set the tray on Joe\u2019s lap.\u00a0 \u201cBefore you start thinking about the rest of your lives, maybe you should just see if she still wants to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s head jerked up.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t think she\u2019ll want to talk to me?\u201d\u00a0 His green eyes were round with horror.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course, she will\u2014when she knows what happened,\u201d Ben said hastily.\u00a0 \u201cNow, eat your breakfast.\u00a0 Maybe you\u2019ll think better with something in your belly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess it can\u2019t hurt,\u201d Joe mumbled.\u00a0 He exchanged the pencil for a fork and stabbed at his egg with more force than necessary.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know why people do this for a living.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo what?\u00a0 Eat breakfast?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u2014write.\u00a0 I\u2019d sooner spend the day cleaning out every stall in the barn.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure there are writers who can\u2019t figure out why you\u2019d want to spend all day shoveling horse droppings.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Cause it\u2019s a hundred times easier,\u201d said Joe through a mouthful of scrambled egg.\u00a0 \u201cAt least I don\u2019t have to\u2014wait a minute!\u201d\u00a0 He shoved the plate to the edge of the tray and snatched up another piece of paper.\u00a0 Ben watched for a minute as his son scribbled.\u00a0 \u201cThere,\u201d said Joe, holding up the paper triumphantly.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s what I meant to say.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it didn\u2019t take as long as cleaning out the barn,\u201d Ben pointed out, but Joe was too busy rereading his masterpiece to pay any attention.<\/p>\n

Three hours later, Ben reined in the team in front of Gunther\u2019s Feed Store and climbed down.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s note, carefully copied over in ink, was tucked safely into his vest pocket.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t asked to read it; it was enough that Joe had seemed quite satisfied with the final version.\u00a0 \u201cLet me know what she says,\u201d he\u2019d instructed his father.\u00a0 \u201cAnd if she writes something back, don\u2019t forget to bring it straight home.\u00a0 You got all that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I can manage it,\u201d said Ben, deadpan at his son\u2019s earnestness.<\/p>\n

A rumble of thunder distracted him and he frowned up at the sky.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t really noticed how dark the clouds were.\u00a0 \u201cEasy, there,\u201d he said to the team; the horses were tossing their heads nervously.\u00a0 Well, he only had a couple of errands.<\/p>\n

First things first.\u00a0 He went into the feed store and arranged to have his order filled and loaded.\u00a0 Then, as large, fat raindrops began to pelt the ground, he adjusted his hat and headed over to the Gillams\u2019.<\/p>\n

He was still half a block away from their house when the skies opened up and released a deluge that soaked him.\u00a0 He ran, but it didn\u2019t help; within moments, he was drenched.\u00a0 He ducked into a doorway.\u00a0 He felt a bit guilty about the team, but hopefully, they wouldn\u2019t be giving Jake Gunther\u2019s men any trouble.<\/p>\n

It was probably only about ten minutes before the rain began to lighten, but it felt as though he\u2019d been standing in the doorway in his wet clothes for hours.\u00a0 As soon as the rain eased off, he pulled his hat down and sprinted the rest of the way to the Gillams\u2019.<\/p>\n

Dripping, he knocked on their front door.\u00a0 \u201cJust a minute!\u201d came Ruth\u2019s voice.\u00a0 The door opened, and her smile faded.\u00a0 \u201cGood morning, Ben,\u201d she said in a formal voice.<\/p>\n

Ben touched the brim of his hat.\u00a0 \u201cGood morning, Ruth,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder if I might have a word with your houseguest, Miss Mulrooney.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me guess,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re here for Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2019Well\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou tell him that if he can\u2019t be bothered coming to see Carrie himself, it doesn\u2019t matter who he sends or how many flowers they bring!\u00a0 That girl has been through enough, and I\u2019m not about to stand by and watch her heart get broken by a boy who\u2019s got half the girls in town on a string!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben wasn\u2019t entirely certain what Ruth meant, but he understood enough to know that Adam and Hoss hadn\u2019t exaggerated.\u00a0 There was no time for diplomacy or anything else.\u00a0 \u201cRuth, may I come in?\u00a0 I\u2019d like to speak with Miss Mulrooney.\u00a0 Joe wrote her a note.\u201d\u00a0 The rain pelted on the porch roof, and Ben waited, not realizing that he was holding his breath until Ruth moved aside to let him enter.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll see if she wants to come down,\u201d she grunted as Ben stepped into the entryway.\u00a0 Well, I guess that\u2019s progress<\/em>, Ben reflected as she swished out of the room.\u00a0 He removed his hat, grimacing slightly as rain poured off the brim and onto the rug.\u00a0 He waited for what seemed an extremely long time, but eventually, a lovely young woman with large, nervous eyes came down the stairs.<\/p>\n

He favored her with his warmest smile.\u00a0 \u201cMiss Mulrooney?\u00a0 I\u2019m Ben Cartwright\u2014Joe\u2019s father.\u201d\u00a0 He held out his hand, and she took it as though she had no choice.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you do?\u201d she said, her voice soft and timid.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Mulrooney, Joe asked me to come and see you,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cMay we sit down and talk for a minute?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, of course.\u201d\u00a0 She still looked nervous, but she led the way into the parlor and invited him to sit.<\/p>\n

Clearly, this was going to take some work.\u00a0 Ben reached into the pocket of his drenched jacket.\u00a0 \u201cJoe sent this for you,\u201d he said, handing over the moist paper.<\/p>\n

The girl took the paper with obvious trepidation.\u00a0 Slowly, she unfolded it.\u00a0 She studied it for a minute, and then she looked at Ben, her eyes brimming.\u00a0 It seemed as though she was about to speak.\u00a0 Then, she held the paper out to Ben.\u00a0 Her lips trembled, but she remained motionless until he had taken it.\u00a0 Then, she turned and ran from the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Mulrooney!\u201d\u00a0 What could Joe have said to bring forth this reaction?\u00a0 Ben looked at the paper, and his heart sank.\u00a0 His son\u2019s handwriting, which was always a challenge to decipher, had been rendered completely illegible by the rain that had soaked Ben\u2019s jacket.\u00a0 Reflexively, Ben glanced down at his shirt to see that the blue ink had saturated the pocket.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Mulrooney!\u201d he called again.\u00a0 No answer.\u00a0 He stood in the Gillams\u2019 parlor, wet and ineffective.\u00a0 When another ten minutes had passed and neither Ruth nor Carrie reappeared, Ben picked up his hat and let himself out.\u00a0 As he headed out into the rain, he shrugged.\u00a0 They\u2019d done all they could, even if Joe wouldn\u2019t see it that way.\u00a0 If things were meant to work out between Joe and Carrie, they would.<\/p>\n

He arrived home to find Joe lying on the settee in a dressing gown with a blanket over him.\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened?\u201d his son demanded as soon as he crossed the threshold.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing out of bed?\u201d Ben asked as he removed his soggy hat.\u00a0 At least the rain had stopped.<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you give Carrie my note?\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t appear to notice that his father was soaked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 Ben hung up his jacket.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are you doing up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI got bored,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, you got bored?\u00a0 How did you even get down here?\u201d\u00a0 Ben coiled his gunbelt on the credenza.\u00a0 He definitely needed to change into dry trousers.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss helped me.\u00a0 What did she say when you gave her the note?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sat on the long, low table in front of the settee.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to be in bed, young man,\u201d he said, as much to forestall the rest of the conversation as because of a concern about Joe being out of bed.\u00a0 The truth was that it was probably good that he was trying to be up a little, although stairs were likely more than the doctor would have countenanced.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was clearly uninterested in any other topic.<\/p>\n

There was no way not to tell him.\u00a0 \u201cIt rained,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cThe ink ran.\u00a0 The note wasn\u2019t legible.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what did you tell her?\u201d Joe demanded.\u00a0 He started to sit up, but before Ben could caution him to move carefully, a quick caught breath and a grimace of pain revealed that Joe was still far from recovered.\u00a0 He lowered himself slowly to a prone position, but his eyes never left Ben\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t get a chance to say much of anything,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie came downstairs, and I gave her the note.\u00a0 By the time I found out that the ink had run, she was already out of the room and upstairs, and I couldn\u2019t get either her or Ruth to answer when I called them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t you go after her?\u201d\u00a0 Joe was incredulous.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Joseph, I did not follow the young lady to her bedroom.\u201d\u00a0 Ben leveled a stern gaze at his son, frowning until Joe looked down.<\/p>\n

But no sooner had Ben relaxed than Joe grabbed the back of the settee and hauled himself to a sitting position.\u00a0 \u201cSomebody get me my clothes,\u201d he shouted as though there were an entire staff at his beck and call.\u00a0 He was breathing heavily, but he slid his legs off the settee and started to stand.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, settle down,\u201d said Ben, catching him as he lost his balance.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not going anywhere except back up to bed.\u00a0 You shouldn\u2019t even be up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomebody\u2019s got to tell Carrie what happened!\u201d\u00a0 Joe straightened as best he could and freed himself of his father\u2019s grasp.\u00a0 Leaning heavily on the settee, he worked his way over to the end.\u00a0 Then, with a deep breath, he lunged from the settee to the railing on the staircase.\u00a0 He missed, and it was a good thing that Carrie Mulrooney wasn\u2019t present to hear her would-be suitor\u2019s language as he crashed to the floor.<\/p>\n

His eyes were closed and his chest was heaving as his father knelt beside him.\u00a0 \u201cHang on, Joe,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cYou blame fool,\u201d he added as he hooked Joe\u2019s arm around his neck and helped his son to his feet.\u00a0 \u201cNo telling how far you just set yourself back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Whatever Joe\u2019s response was, it was drowned out by a knock at the door.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing!\u201d Ben shouted.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, up to bed with you,\u201d he added to Joe as Hop Sing padded to the door, muttering in Chinese.<\/p>\n

They had only managed a couple of steps when Hop Sing opened the door to admit Ray Gillam.\u00a0 \u201cMorning, Ben, Joe,\u201d said Ray, touching the brim of his hat.<\/p>\n

\u201cRay!\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to turn to greet him, but the twist caused a yelp of pain, and he grabbed his father\u2019s neck.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d said Ben in a half-strangled voice.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go back down.\u201d\u00a0 As Ray Gillam watched, Ben helped Joe back over to the settee and lowered him until he was lying down.\u00a0 Rubbing his neck, Ben straightened.\u00a0 \u201cWhat brings you out here, Ray?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ray gave Joe a long, considered look.\u00a0 \u201cThis, I reckon,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cRuth is up in arms about how Joe\u2019s sending everybody to do his lovemaking for him, and I figgered it was time somebody found out what was going on.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been trying to get word to Carrie,\u201d said Joe, his breathing still rough.\u00a0 He reached over the back of the settee to beckon to Ray, who still stood in the doorway.\u00a0 The skinny older man drew closer, and his weather-worn face grew more solemn at the sight of the youngest Cartwright prone on the settee.\u00a0 \u201cIs she okay?\u201d Joe added.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s pretty torn up,\u201d Ray said.\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t know why you didn\u2019t show up.\u00a0 What happened?\u00a0 You get shot?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHurt my back,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cHappens every once in a while.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen it does, he\u2019s laid up for a good bit,\u201d Ben supplied.\u00a0 \u201cThis time, Doc gave him so much painkiller that it was about three days before he even knew what day it was, and since he hadn\u2019t told us before that he was taking Miss Mulrooney to the dance, we didn\u2019t know to send word to her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ray nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI figgered Little Joe had a good reason,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut Ruth\u2019s been filling the girl\u2019s head with all sorts of nonsense about Little Joe\u2019s reputation with the ladies, and that girl\u2019s heart is broke at the notion that Little Joe was just funnin\u2019 with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t!\u201d Joe protested.\u00a0 \u201cI love her, Ray.\u00a0 Tell her that, will you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ray Gillam considered the young man before him.\u00a0 \u201cTell you what,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cYou tell her.\u00a0 Just cover yourself up so\u2019s you\u2019re decent.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Ben asked even as he spread a blanket over his son\u2019s nightshirt and Joe tugged the edges of the dressing gown together.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019s here,\u201d said Ray.\u00a0 \u201cOut in the buggy.\u00a0 Ruth doesn\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBring her in!\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cLet me talk to her.\u00a0 In fact\u2014Pa, help me up.\u00a0 I\u2019ll go upstairs and get dressed and then I\u2019ll see her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not going anywhere, young man,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 As Ray turned to go out to the buggy, Ben took a moment to smooth Joe\u2019s unruly curls.\u00a0 \u201cYou look fine,\u201d he added as Joe looked up at him, startled.<\/p>\n

Moments later, Ray came back in, and the lovely young woman with the large, nervous eyes followed.\u00a0 Ben crossed the room, his hand extended as he said, \u201cMiss Mulrooney, welcome to the Ponderosa.\u201d\u00a0 He took the girl\u2019s hand, and something in her expression made him want to put his arm around her and protect her.\u00a0 Instead, he drew her forward and said, \u201cI think you and Joseph need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sounded slightly breathless; he\u2019d pulled himself up to a sitting position.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie, I\u2019m so sorry.\u00a0 They gave me painkillers, and I didn\u2019t even know what day it was until Monday.\u201d\u00a0 He was holding out his hand across the back of the settee, and the girl advanced hesitantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cRay, how about we go out to the barn and see that stallion I was telling you about?\u201d suggested Ben with a touch too much heartiness that hid, among other things, his regret at not getting to change out of his damp clothes.\u00a0 But sometimes, fatherhood required sacrifices that didn\u2019t make sense to anybody else.\u00a0 Before Ray Gillam could answer, Ben was shepherding him out the front door, leaving Joe and Carrie alone.<\/p>\n

When they returned half an hour later, Carrie had pulled Ben\u2019s red leather chair over by the settee, and she and Joe were talking.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t look nervous now.\u00a0 Instead, she smiled shyly, dimples showing.\u00a0 \u201cJust wait until I\u2019m all better,\u201d Joe was saying.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be able to take you to dances and for buggy rides.\u00a0 You\u2019ll see.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be taking up all your free time\u2014if that\u2019s all right, of course.\u201d<\/p>\n

A faint blush colored the girl\u2019s pale cheeks as she ducked her head.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like that,\u201d she said in a soft voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen it\u2019s settled,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not sure how much longer I\u2019ll be laid up, but as soon as I\u2019m up and around, I\u2019ll come calling.\u00a0 Is that okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her blush darkened.\u00a0 \u201cYes,\u201d she said in a voice Ben could barely hear from across the room, but he could see the glow in her eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate to interrupt, but I think Miss Mulrooney probably needs to be getting back to town.\u201d\u00a0 Ben delivered this with a meaningful look toward his son that said as clearly as words that if Joe protested, his father would announce the truth, namely that it was Joe who needed to be getting back\u2014to bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so glad you came,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He took her hand in both of his.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be in touch, I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll be looking forward to it,\u201d said Carrie, withdrawing her hand with obvious reluctance.\u00a0 \u201cGoodbye, Mr. Cartwright.\u00a0 Thank you.\u201d\u00a0 She ducked her head slightly as she moved around the settee to join Ray at the door.\u00a0 Ben saw them out, closed the door, and turned to his son.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right now?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Joe grinned.\u00a0 He looked more peaceful than he had in a long, long time.\u00a0 He nodded and held out his hand to his father.\u00a0 \u201cCan you help me upstairs?\u00a0 I need to get some rest so my back will get better.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben chuckled.\u00a0 As he assisted Joe up the stairs, he reflected that he\u2019d seen Joe infatuated before, but as near as he could tell, these two young people were really in love.<\/p>\n

Thank heaven for Ray Gillam<\/em>, he thought as he deposited Joe into his bed.\u00a0 The day would come when he would recall that moment and wonder whether he should have been thankful for Ray\u2019s intervention.\u00a0 But there was no way of knowing that then, and so he handed Joe a book and headed for his own room to change out of the clothes that still felt damp.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

It took some time, but as soon as Joe was able to sit upright in a buggy, he was off to town to court Carrie Mulrooney.\u00a0 Later, Ben wondered whether the boy\u2019s incapacity might have helped their courtship along:\u00a0 instead of seeing her so frequently that he soon became bored, Joe was limited to writing notes and spending hours thinking about her. By the time he was well enough pay her a visit, he was quivering like a hound dog that had caught the scent of a fox.<\/p>\n

\u201cI guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder,\u201d Ben commented as they heard Joe splashing in the bathtub.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t help chuckling as he recalled how Joe had struggled with that first note to Carrie.\u00a0 Apparently, he\u2019d gotten past his initial distaste for writing, because the flood of letters he\u2019d composed for her during his convalescence would likely have filled a book.<\/p>\n

\u201cOl\u2019 Shakespeare knew what he was talking about,\u201d said Hoss as he selected an apple from the bowl on the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t Shakespeare who said it,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cIt was an old Roman.\u00a0 Sextus Propertius, if I recall correctly.\u201d<\/p>\n

The apple stopped just short of Hoss\u2019s mouth.\u00a0 \u201cWhat the\u2014you\u2019re makin\u2019 that up!\u00a0 Pa, you gonna let him talk like that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not my fault that was the man\u2019s name,\u201d Adam shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cReally,\u201d he added as his father raised an eyebrow.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt don\u2019t sound real,\u201d Hoss harrumphed, biting into the apple.\u00a0 \u201cI think you\u2019re makin\u2019 it up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe appeared around the corner.\u00a0 The towel wrapped around his middle preserved his modesty, but it wasn\u2019t doing much to stop him from dripping on the floor.\u00a0 \u201cHey, can somebody fetch me some more soap?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore soap?\u00a0 How much you need, boy?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss chomped his apple as he spoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cI gotta wash my hair,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cCan you get me some?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWith all that hair, you\u2019re gonna be here all night,\u201d Hoss muttered even as he got to his feet and headed for the storeroom.<\/p>\n

Ben hid a smile as Joe went back to the bathhouse.\u00a0 As near as he could tell, Joe took after Marie\u2019s side of the family in terms of hair.\u00a0 Her cousin, Edouard D\u2019Arcy, had had a thick head of curls well into his forties.\u00a0 By contrast, the Cartwright men tended toward receding hairlines and thinning tops; even though Ben combed his hair carefully, there was no denying that it wasn\u2019t what it once was.\u00a0 He\u2019d already seen evidence of thinning on his older sons.\u00a0 So, if heredity was a factor, Joe was likely to be the only brother who would emerge from his thirties with all his hair.<\/p>\n

Then again, Cartwright men also tended to gray early.\u00a0 It seemed as though Hoss and Adam were taking after their mothers\u2019 sides of the family in that regard.\u00a0 As Joe shouted for Hoss to hurry up and Hoss bellowed back that he was coming, Ben couldn\u2019t help but wonder whether Joe had as yet noticed what his father had seen while tending to him this past week:\u00a0 two distinctly silver hairs threaded among the dark curls.\u00a0 Considering that Joe wasn\u2019t quite twenty, this did not portend well.\u00a0 His brothers would no doubt consider this some type of poetic justice.<\/p>\n

He chuckled as he settled himself in his armchair with the latest edition of the\u00a0Territorial Enterprise<\/em>.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s so funny?\u201d Adam inquired.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u00a0 Oh, nothing,\u201d said Ben, folding his paper.\u00a0 The mental image of two bald sons flanking one with wild gray curls flashed through his mind, and he chuckled again.\u00a0 Only time would tell if he was right, but if heredity was any indicator, that picture would one day be reality.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cPa!\u00a0 Pa!\u201d\u00a0 Joe\u2019s voice was calling from outside even before the door slammed open.<\/p>\n

Startled, Ben laid down his pen and rose as Joe raced around the corner to his desk.\u00a0 \u201cWhat the\u2014?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe said \u2018yes\u2019!\u00a0 She said \u2018yes\u2019!\u201d\u00a0 Before Ben could say anything, Joe ran around the desk and flung his arms around his father.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie said \u2018yes\u2019!\u201d he exulted.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s wonderful, son!\u201d”\u00a0 Ben hugged the young man, trying to match his son\u2019s enthusiasm.\u00a0 He\u2019d known this was coming eventually, but he hadn\u2019t realized that Joe was planning to propose quite yet.\u00a0 Carrie had only been in town for three months, and Joe had been laid up for a goodly portion of that time.\u00a0 Somehow, Ben had expected his son to wait.<\/p>\n

Not that Ben had any room to talk, of course.\u00a0 He’d known Inger only a few weeks when he proposed to her, and his whirlwind courtship with Marie had been even briefer.\u00a0 Perhaps the apple hadn\u2019t fallen far from the tree.<\/p>\n

But something niggled at Ben.\u00a0 This wasn\u2019t the first time Joe had fancied himself in love and ready to marry.\u00a0 When he was only seventeen, he\u2019d proposed to his first love, the infamous Julia Bulette, in front of the entire town.\u00a0 He’d been far too young to understand the look in her eyes as she pulled away and ran upstairs, but Ben had known what was behind that beautiful face.\u00a0 She was twice Joe\u2019s age, a former prostitute who now owned a saloon, and she loved Little Joe Cartwright too much to let him throw himself away on such a woman.\u00a0 Joe had known, and yet he hadn\u2019t known.\u00a0 He knew about her age and her past, but he didn’t know what that would have meant to their life together.\u00a0 He still thought love conquered all.\u00a0 But the truth was that Julia could never have been happy living on the Ponderosa with a boy, keeping his house and raising his children.\u00a0 Had she tried, it would have destroyed both of them.\u00a0 While Ben had been saddened by her untimely death and its impact on his son, in a secret corner of his heart lurked a tiny shred of relief that Joe had avoided such a catastrophic marriage.<\/p>\n

And there had been others, each love affair ending in its own tragic way:\u00a0 Amy Bishop, Tirza the gypsy, Connie McKee, Laura White.\u00a0 Each time, Joe had fallen headlong in love, and each time, his heart had been broken when the girl left or died.\u00a0 Ben didn\u2019t want to be anything other than gloriously happy for his son, but even as Hoss and Adam came into the house and chortled with joy at their brother’s good fortune, a cold hand of fear clutched Ben’s heart.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t do it, boy<\/em>, he suddenly wanted to say.\u00a0\u00a0Not yet.\u00a0 You don’t know each other well enough.\u00a0 You\u2019re not old enough.\u00a0 Take your time.\u00a0 Get to know each other.\u00a0 There\u2019s no rush.<\/em><\/p>\n

But he didn’t say it, not then or ever.\u00a0 The time would come when he would chastise himself for his silence, but right then, when it mattered, he lay awake in the darkness and told himself that It wouldn’t make any difference.\u00a0 And maybe it wouldn\u2019t have.\u00a0 Joe was old enough to know his own heart, and he was stubborn as a mule.\u00a0 Carrie was as sweet and lovely as a day in spring.\u00a0 There was no question that these two young people loved each other.\u00a0 Besides, Joe wasn\u2019t much younger than Ben had been when he decided to marry Elizabeth.\u00a0 True, Joe had had some terrible misfortunes in love, but that was over now.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t be fair to suggest that Joe should wait now because of what had happened to Julia Bulette or Amy Bishop, any more than it would have been fair for someone to suggest that Ben should have waited to marry Marie simply because of Elizabeth and Inger.\u00a0 The past was the past, and if Joe had the courage to move forward, it would be wrong of his father to stop him.<\/p>\n

Besides, he told himself, it wasn\u2019t as though the wedding was taking place tomorrow.\u00a0 It took time to plan a wedding.\u00a0 A dress had to made, guests assembled, food prepared.\u00a0 Carrie might have friends coming from wherever she was from, and they would need to make their travel arrangements.\u00a0 There was still time.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll be fine,\u201d he said aloud, turning on his other side.\u00a0 \u201cJust fine.\u201d\u00a0 He pulled the covers up over his shoulder and closed his eyes, willing himself to believe his own words.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie, honey.\u00a0 I need to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth Gillam had never called her \u201cCarrie, honey\u201d in her entire life.\u00a0 Carrie sat as still as possible on the bed, just in case there was a chance Ruth might not figure out that she was there.<\/p>\n

But the door opened, and the large woman came in.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie set her sewing in her lap and covered it with her hands.\u00a0 \u201cCome on in, Mrs. Gillam,\u201d she said, not because she wanted her to, but because it was the polite thing to do and she’d been raised to be polite.<\/p>\n

Ruth settled herself into the armchair.\u00a0 \u201cRay tells me that Cartwright boy proposed to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie nodded.\u00a0 She hadn\u2019t meant to tell them yet, but Ray had been sitting in his chair when she came in, and she guessed that the look on her face said it all.\u00a0 He\u2019d asked if she\u2019d had a nice evening, and she hadn\u2019t been able to help herself.<\/p>\n

And now, here was Ruth.\u00a0 And reality.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love him,\u201d said Carrie.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d\u00a0 It was the first time Ruth had admitted that this was anything other than the Cartwright boy toying with her.\u00a0 When he hadn\u2019t come to pick her up that night he\u2019d hurt his back, Ruth had been quick to accuse him.\u00a0 In the weeks since, even she had had to admit that he was in love with Carrie.\u00a0 Nobody seeing the look in his eyes could have doubted it.<\/p>\n

But he didn\u2019t know everything.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you told him?\u201d Ruth asked.<\/p>\n

Carrie shook her head.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you think maybe you should?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter,\u201d said Carrie.\u00a0 \u201cHe loves me.\u00a0 That\u2019s all that matters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you sure?\u201d\u00a0 The portly woman\u2019s voice was gentler than anything Carrie had ever heard from her.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 Carrie knew she sounded like a stubborn child, with maybe a hint of desperation around the edges.\u00a0 \u201cHe loves me.\u00a0 It’ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you love him?\u201d<\/p>\n

She nodded.\u00a0 \u201cMore than anything.\u201d\u00a0 She forced herself to meet Ruth Gillam’s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t lose him.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be fine.\u00a0 I know it will.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth held her gaze for a long minute.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you think he\u2019s entitled to know the truth?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie felt the familiar prickling in her nose that meant tears were coming.\u00a0 \u201cIt wouldn\u2019t matter,\u201d she insisted.\u00a0 \u201cHe loves me.\u00a0 He wouldn’t care.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth Gillam sat silently for what seemed like a long time.\u00a0 Finally, she said, \u201cYou know I just want you to be happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am happy,\u201d Carrie said.\u00a0 \u201cI love Joe, and he loves me.\u00a0 We\u2019re happy, and I\u2019m not going to spoil that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth looked solemn.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if he finds out before you\u2019re ready to tell him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe won\u2019t,\u201d said Carrie.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll see to that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cSecrets aren\u2019t good between them that love.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie lifted her chin defiantly.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you have any secrets from Ray?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth shook her head again.\u00a0 \u201cNothing like yours.\u00a0 Something like that . . . I’d have told him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if he didn\u2019t understand?\u00a0 What if you told him, and that meant you didn\u2019t have him all these years?\u00a0 Would it have been worth it?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it be better to not say anything and have the man you love?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth watched her carefully.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe you\u2019d be better off asking Little Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 Carrie stood up, clutching the half-finished sewing.\u00a0 She set it on the chair and turned to face Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cI love Joe.\u00a0 I love him, Ruth.\u00a0 I love him more than I\u2019ve ever loved any man.\u00a0 More than I loved Jonathan, that\u2019s for sure.\u00a0 And he loves me, I know it.\u00a0 I won\u2019t take a chance on losing him over something I had no say about.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth remained in the chair.\u00a0 \u201cAnd just how do you plan to keep him from knowing?\u201d<\/p>\n

Carrie stood straight and tall.\u00a0 \u201cWhen the time is right, I\u2019ll tell him.\u00a0 I don\u2019t plan to keep it from him forever.\u00a0 Just until. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust until it’s too late for him to back out,\u201d said Ruth.\u00a0 She heaved herself to her feet.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re making a mistake, Carrie.\u00a0 If Joe Cartwright is the boy you say he is, he\u2019ll understand, and if he\u2019s not, you’re better off without him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 The word came out in a fierce whisper.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t lose him.\u00a0 I can’t take that chance.\u00a0 I love him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe it was the shadows, but Carrie couldn’t help thinking at that moment that she\u2019d never seen Ruth Gillam look so sad.\u00a0 And maybe it was wrong, but just then, it seemed the right thing to say, and she said it:\u00a0 \u201cPromise me you’ll never tell him.\u00a0 Swear it.\u00a0 Swear on my mother\u2019s grave.\u201d\u00a0 Ruth looked almost shocked, and Carrie moved closer.\u00a0 \u201cYou told Edie you\u2019d take care of me.\u00a0 This is the man I love.\u00a0 Promise you won\u2019t destroy that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth\u2019s brown eyes glistened.\u00a0 She held out her arms, and Carrie allowed herself to be enfolded against the woman\u2019s ample bosom.\u00a0 \u201cI just want you to be happy,\u201d Ruth whispered, stroking Carrie\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen promise,\u201d Carrie said, and tears she couldn\u2019t explain spilled over as she heard the words.<\/p>\n

\u201cI promise.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Part Two<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Adam.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to sound casual<\/strong> as he swung out of the saddle.\u00a0 His breath made little puffs of white in the crisp November air.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d asked Adam after a minute.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d\u00a0 Joe busied himself loosening the cinch so that Cochise could rest while they ate lunch.<\/p>\n

\u201cI said, what?\u201d\u00a0 Adam loosened his mount\u2019s cinch.<\/p>\n

\u201cUm\u2014did you bring the coffee?\u201d\u00a0 Joe rummaged in his saddlebags as if he were looking for something important instead of avoiding his brother\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 Adam had an irritating habit of recognizing that there might be a problem before Joe was ready to admit it himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 You did.\u201d\u00a0 Adam sounded as if he thought Joe was a bit slow.\u00a0 Then again, he often sounded that way.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Oh, that’s right.\u00a0 Sorry, here it is.\u201d\u00a0 Joe pulled out the paper sack.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll fill the pot.\u00a0 Be right back.\u201d\u00a0 He grabbed the coffee pot and headed over to the stream, too aware that his brother was probably staring at him.<\/p>\n

Maybe he shouldn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 It probably wasn\u2019t right to.\u00a0 Men didn\u2019t talk that way about their wives, not even to their brothers.\u00a0 But it was unsettling.\u00a0 Carrie was so . . . well, she just wasn\u2019t what Joe was used to.\u00a0 Something didn\u2019t seem right.\u00a0 And he needed to know whether it was his fault.<\/p>\n

She was a maiden when they got married, of course.\u00a0 Joe had never even questioned that.\u00a0 So naturally, she\u2019d be shy.\u00a0 It was normal.\u00a0 Probably showed that she\u2019d been raised properly.<\/p>\n

But even after a month of marriage, she was still shy.\u00a0 It was like she thought there was something improper in letting Joe see her body.\u00a0 She never dressed or undressed in front of him.\u00a0 He had touched her naked body, but he\u2019d never seen it except by moonlight.\u00a0 Lovemaking could only occur in the dark of night.\u00a0 When he woke up in the morning, she was always out of bed and dressed already.\u00a0 One morning, he\u2019d tried to get her to come back to bed, and she just stood in the doorway, staring as if he’d suggested something scandalous and wicked.\u00a0 And the day they’d gone on a picnic and he\u2019d wanted to make love right there in the woods, she looked downright scared, and so he\u2019d backed off.<\/p>\n

The funny thing was that it was only the being-seen part that seemed to bother her.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t shy about touching or being touched.\u00a0 Even the first night, when he\u2019d expected her to be nervous and rigid, she\u2019d been surprisingly eager.\u00a0 Well, maybe \u201ceager\u201d was overstating it, but he hadn\u2019t had to coax her.\u00a0 It was almost as though the darkness had freed her, and she welcomed his touch.<\/p>\n

Maybe he was just expecting too much.\u00a0 She was the first virgin he\u2019d ever been with.\u00a0\u00a0 For all he knew, her mother might have told her that nice girls didn\u2019t let their husbands look at them.\u00a0 Or maybe it just took ladies longer to get used to the whole notion of having relations.<\/p>\n

Or maybe he was doing something wrong, and no girl had ever had the heart to tell him.<\/p>\n

He watched his older brother from under the brim of his hat as he made the coffee.\u00a0 Maybe Adam would know.\u00a0 Surely by now he\u2019d had the experience of being some girl\u2019s first lover.\u00a0 He must have had some idea how long it would take for a girl to stop being shy.<\/p>\n

He took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d\u00a0 Adam sounded almost too casual, like he had an inkling what was coming.\u00a0 But he couldn\u2019t, he just couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 So Joe made himself go on.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s about women.\u201d\u00a0 If Adam laughed, Joe would pummel him.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about them?\u201d<\/p>\n

Good.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t laughing.\u00a0 Another deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cHave you ever been . . . the first?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe first what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know\u2014a girl\u2019s first. . . .\u201d\u00a0 He let the sentence trail off.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d\u00a0 Adam squatted on the other side of the campfire.\u00a0 He used his bandanna to protect his gloved hand as he lifted the dented pot off the fire and poured out coffee into two cups.\u00a0 He handed one to Joe, who barely looked up enough to take it.\u00a0 \u201cYes, I have,\u201d he said after they\u2019d both drunk.<\/p>\n

Joe set down the coffee and unwrapped his lunch as if it required all of his attention.\u00a0 He could feel Adam watching him for sure now.\u00a0 Finally, he said, \u201cWas she . . . you know . . . shy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cNo,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cAnything but.\u00a0 Why?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo reason.\u201d\u00a0 Joe took a bite of his sandwich, and another, and another as the silence stretched out.<\/p>\n

\u201cEvery girl is different,\u201d said Adam at last.\u00a0 \u201cSome of them take longer than others to get used to . . . things.\u201d\u00a0 When Joe said nothing, Adam ventured, \u201cEverything okay at home?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u00a0 Oh, sure.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 I was just wondering, that\u2019s all.\u00a0 We should get going.\u00a0 There\u2019s probably a lot of strays up by the ridge.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tossed his half-eaten sandwich onto the fire.\u00a0 Before Adam could say anything, he\u2019d poured the rest of the coffee over the flames to douse them, sizzle and steam rising as he dumped out the last drops.<\/p>\n

The brothers packed up the remainder of their gear in silence.\u00a0 Then, as they tightened their cinches, Adam said suddenly, \u201cJust go slow.\u00a0 Give her some time.\u00a0 For some girls, it\u2019s a lot to get used to.\u201d\u00a0 Joe nodded, trying to look as if the whole thing were no big deal.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d Adam said with only the slightest grin.\u00a0 \u201cThose strays won\u2019t round themselves up.\u201d\u00a0 He mounted and put his heels to his horse, riding off even as Joe swung into his saddle.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait up!\u201d Joe called.\u00a0 He nudged his pinto into a lope after his brother\u2019s chestnut.\u00a0 Maybe Adam was right.\u00a0 Maybe all Carrie needed was time.<\/p>\n

Time, and a lot more opportunities to get used to . . . things.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, does anybody know what\u2019s going on with Joe?\u201d\u00a0 Adam helped himself to the mashed potatoes.\u00a0 Hop Sing was the only person he\u2019d ever met who could make them absolutely free of lumps.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s sure been a caution lately, ain\u2019t he?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss speared the largest steak on the platter.<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen him in a few days,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cIs something the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss passed the string beans.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t hardly get two words out of him most of the time, and when you do, he just bites your head off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben frowned.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder what\u2019s wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, obviously, there\u2019s something,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s been like this all week, and frankly, it\u2019s getting a little tiresome.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think his back might be bothering him again,\u201d offered Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve seen him holdin\u2019 it a couple times.\u00a0 \u2019Course, he says there\u2019s nothin\u2019 wrong with it, but I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe he and Carrie had a disagreement,\u201d mused Ben.\u00a0 \u201cHas he said anything about her?\u201d\u00a0 The young couple had been married for just six months.\u00a0 While Ben had held his peace as the preacher said, he’d never completely quieted the voice in his head that whispered that a longer courtship would have been preferable.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot a word,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cCould be anything,\u201d shrugged Adam.\u00a0 \u201cBut nobody seems to know what.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I think we should just mind our own business,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cIf he wants us to know what\u2019s wrong, he\u2019ll tell us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s brothers grunted their assent as they ate.\u00a0 The kid never could keep his feelings to himself for very long.\u00a0 Sooner or later, whatever it was would either blow over or blow up.<\/p>\n

The family had settled in by the fire when the front door opened.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph!\u201d said Ben, pleased.\u00a0 He smiled at the sight of his youngest son, but the smile faded when he saw his son\u2019s expression.\u00a0 \u201cWould you like some coffee?\u201d he asked, trying to maintain a jovial tone.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 His eyes were dark with misery.\u00a0 \u201cIs it okay if I stay here tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d said Ben, holding his voice steady with an effort.\u00a0 \u201cIf you\u2019re sure that\u2019s what you want to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cThanks.\u201d\u00a0 Without another word, he disappeared up the stairs to his old room, and they heard the door close.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what do you make of that?\u201d asked Adam when they heard nothing more.<\/p>\n

\u201cI reckon him and Carrie\u2019s having a fight after all,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cMust be pretty serious for him to come back here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben said nothing.\u00a0 He watched the staircase as if his son might appear.\u00a0 Everything in him wanted to go right up those stairs and sit down with Joe, but he resisted.\u00a0 His son was a grown man, and the decision to share his problems\u2014especially if they were about Carrie\u2014would have to be Joe\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t return downstairs for the rest of the evening.\u00a0 As he was heading to his own room, Ben stopped.\u00a0 Respecting his son\u2019s privacy was all well and good, but a father had a right to reassure himself that everything was under control.\u00a0 He tapped lightly on his son\u2019s door.\u00a0 When there was no answer, he opened the door quietly, just to check.<\/p>\n

In the dark, he nearly missed the figure standing by the open window.\u00a0 The curtains fluttered in the night breeze, and the room was cold, but Joe didn\u2019t seem to notice.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d\u00a0 When Joe made no acknowledgement of his presence, Ben entered the room.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s pretty cold in here, don\u2019t you think?\u201d\u00a0 His son, usually so talkative, was silent.\u00a0 Ben reached past him to close the window.\u00a0 Then, he laid a gentle hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cWould it help to talk about it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d said Joe, and the pain in his voice was so sharp that Ben\u2019s hand tightened on his shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cSit down, son,\u201d Ben urged.\u00a0 He lit the lamp, revealing the anguish in Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 They sat down on the bed, and Joe looked away.<\/p>\n

Quietly, Ben waited.\u00a0 At last, not looking at his father, Joe said, \u201cShe can\u2019t have children.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Joe,\u201d breathed Ben.\u00a0 He knew how Joe had looked forward to being a father, having a family of his own.\u00a0 When Joe said no more, he ventured, \u201cIs it certain?\u00a0 Have you talked to Doc Martin?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s certain,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cShe had an operation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 When was this?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe turned to face him.\u00a0 \u201cThree years ago.\u00a0 Almost four.\u201d\u00a0 The words were almost a challenge.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2014that was before\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014before I ever knew her,\u201d finished Joe.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s known all along that she can\u2019t have children.\u201d<\/p>\n

A thousand questions crowded into Ben\u2019s head, but Joe was still talking, all the pent-up hurt and anger spilling over as he recounted how they\u2019d talked about having a family.\u00a0 \u201cAll those times we\u2019d see people with children, and she\u2019d say things like, \u2018By next year, that\u2019ll be us,\u2019 and I\u2019d think that maybe that was her way of telling me she was going to have a baby, but it was just talk, and she\u2019d say, \u2018I guess we have to keep trying.\u2019\u00a0 But she\u2019d never\u2014she\u2019d never undress in front of me, she\u2019d never let me see her, and I thought she was just shy, and now it turns out that she was hiding\u2014I came into the bath house on Saturday just as she was getting out of the tub, and I saw the scar, and she started to cry, and I don\u2019t remember who said what first, but the next thing I knew, she was admitting that she\u2019d had this operation and she\u2019d never be able to have children.\u201d<\/p>\n

He rose abruptly, returning to the window, as he continued, \u201cShe was crying and begging me to forgive her.\u00a0 She was on her knees, begging.\u00a0 On her knees, Pa.\u00a0 And I couldn\u2019t even say anything.\u00a0 All I could think was how many times she\u2019d looked me straight in the eye and lied to me.\u00a0 I just threw her dressing gown at her and told her to get up, and I walked out.\u201d<\/p>\n

The pain radiated off the young man like the heat of the summer sun on a rock.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, son,\u201d he said.\u00a0 For a long time, the two men sat in silence, looking out the window as though the night would reveal an answer.\u00a0 \u201cHave you been back home since then?\u201d Ben asked finally.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI went back that night,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cShe was sleeping in the chair.\u00a0 I tried to get her to go to bed, and she wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 She said I should take the bed.\u00a0 We had another fight, about that, and I ended up sleeping on the floor and she was in the chair and nobody slept in the bed.\u00a0 The next day, my back was killing me, so I figured I\u2019d take the bed that night, but when I was ready to go to bed, she was already there and\u2014I just couldn\u2019t stand the idea\u2014and I\u2019ve been sleeping in the chair ever since, but my back\u2019s been hurting so bad that I just thought, maybe I could sleep here. . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice trailed off, and Ben\u2019s arm tightened around his shoulders.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t question Joe\u2019s back problems, but he had a suspicion that it was more than just physical pain that had brought his troubled son home tonight.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll tell you what,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 \u201cYou get yourself ready for bed, and I\u2019ll go heat up those irons of Hop Sing\u2019s, and we\u2019ll see what we can do for your back.\u201d\u00a0 Hop Sing\u2019s long, flat irons, heated and wrapped in towels, were still the most reliable remedy for Joe\u2019s aching back.<\/p>\n

If only they could help his aching heart. . . .<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d Joe whispered.\u00a0 The anguish in his face was enough to break a father\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes Carrie know where you are?\u201d Ben asked hesitantly.\u00a0 \u201cWe can send Hoss or Adam over to let her know, if you want.\u201d\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to tell his son how to handle his wife, but from the strife Joe described, the girl was liable to be frantic if he just didn\u2019t come home.<\/p>\n

\u201cI left a note and said I was coming over here,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou left a note?\u00a0 Where was she?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Maybe she went to town\u2014there wasn\u2019t anything on the stove for supper.\u00a0 But I just rode in, left the note, and rode out.\u00a0 Didn\u2019t even look for her.\u00a0 Pretty cowardly, I guess.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t really thinking about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben gave his shoulders a squeeze.\u00a0 \u201cWell, you get ready for bed while I heat up the irons,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cYou can talk to her in the morning, after you\u2019ve had a good night\u2019s sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s smile was clearly forced.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure I will,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, I have to talk to her sometime.\u00a0 She\u2019s still my wife, even if\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, she is,\u201d said Ben, not waiting for Joe to finish.\u00a0 He could understand what a blow it was for his son, so honest and forthright, to find that Carrie had deceived him about something so important, but that didn\u2019t change the fact that they were husband and wife, \u2019til death did them part.\u00a0 He was certain that Joe would forgive Carrie eventually.\u00a0 Whether Carrie would forgive herself\u2014well, that remained to be seen.<\/p>\n

He left Joe to undress, heading downstairs to put the irons on the stove.\u00a0 As they heated, he poured two brandies.\u00a0 One, he set on a small tray to take up to his son.\u00a0 The other, he drank right there as he remembered holding his youngest son for the very first time.<\/p>\n

Born early, the boy was so much smaller than his brothers had been that even as an experienced father, Ben found himself nervous when the doctor placed the baby in his arms.\u00a0 And then, far too fast, the little one began to grow.\u00a0 Unruly curls and energetic kicks and tiny hands that would pull on anything that came near.\u00a0 Red-faced and howling one minute, bubbling with laughter the next.\u00a0 Toddling after his brothers, and then running, and then riding his pony, calling to them to wait up.\u00a0 Scrunching up his face as he did his homework.\u00a0 Scuffing his toe on the rug as he handed over the note from the teacher.\u00a0 Flinging his arms around his father\u2019s neck as tears fell.\u00a0 Laughing so hard at his own joke that he fell right off his chair in the middle of supper.\u00a0 Opening his eyes after his fever broke.\u00a0 Riding in triumphantly after his first cattle drive.\u00a0 Walking into the house, silent and shaken, the first time he\u2019d been forced to kill a man.\u00a0 Laughing with happiness as he announced that he and Carrie were to be married.\u00a0 Standing tall and proud, his eyes glowing, as he watched her come down the aisle.<\/p>\n

Ben poured another brandy for himself.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t realized until this moment just how much he\u2019d looked forward to the day when Joe would come running into the house, shouting, \u201cPa, you\u2019re going to be a grandfather!\u201d<\/p>\n

But it would never happen.\u00a0 He would never hold Joseph\u2019s child in his arms.<\/p>\n

In the shadows of the living room, as his son waited upstairs, Ben allowed himself to grieve for the loss of a child who would never be.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

For the first instant he was awake, Joe\u2019s heart was quiet.\u00a0 He was in his own bed, in his own room, and for the first time in days, his back didn\u2019t feel as if someone were pounding knives into it.\u00a0 In the next moment, though, the noose dropped, and he remember why he was here.<\/p>\n

Carrie.\u00a0 And her lies.<\/p>\n

He closed his eyes against the anguish.\u00a0 How could he ever look at her the same way again?\u00a0 She\u2019d known all along how important it was to him that they have children.\u00a0 Even before they were married, they\u2019d talked about how their children would grow up on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 She\u2019d teased him about how much she hoped their girls would inherit his curly hair, and he\u2019d traced her delicate features and told her that the girls would be lucky if they were a tenth as beautiful as their mother.\u00a0 She\u2019d even said that she hoped that their boys didn\u2019t inherit his back problems.<\/p>\n

Lies.\u00a0 All lies.<\/p>\n

And yet, she was his wife.\u00a0 Somehow, he had to learn to live with her.<\/p>\n

Somehow, he had to learn to forgive her.<\/p>\n

A few minutes later, he was buttoning his shirt as he descended the stairs.\u00a0 His brothers and Pa were already at the table, surrounded by platters of Hop Sing\u2019s good cooking that Joe knew he should want, but didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

\u201cMorning, son,\u201d said Ben, as casually as if Joe had never married and moved out.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u2019s your back feeling this morning?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA lot better, thanks,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He caught the glance Adam and Hoss shared, and he wondered if Pa would have told them the real reason he\u2019d come by.\u00a0 He picked up his jacket and gunbelt.\u00a0 \u201cThanks for letting me stay here last night,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n

\u201cAin\u2019t you gonna stay for breakfast?\u201d asked Hoss through a mouthful of flapjacks.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d said Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least have a cup of coffee,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cI need to get home,\u201d he said quietly.<\/p>\n

Ben walked Joe to the door.\u00a0 \u201cYou let us know if you need anything,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0 Joe nodded, his throat suddenly thick with tears.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Joe, don\u2019t forget, we\u2019re looking for strays up by Wild Horse Canyon this morning,\u201d called Adam.<\/p>\n

Joe waved.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be there,\u201d he said, his voice only slightly husky.\u00a0 He headed out to the barn, saddled his horse, and rode away, feeling his father\u2019s eyes on him even when he was out of sight.<\/p>\n

The ride back to the house was too short.\u00a0 Before he was ready, he was looping Cochise\u2019s reins around the hitching rail.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d he called.\u00a0 No answer.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d\u00a0 He went inside.\u00a0 No sound.\u00a0 Frowning, he noticed that there was no coffee pot on the stove.\u00a0 He touched the cast iron stove:\u00a0 cold.\u00a0 No fire burned in the fireplace.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie?\u201d\u00a0 He pushed open the door to the bedroom.\u00a0 No sign of her.\u00a0 The bed was neatly made; impossible to know whether she\u2019d made it this morning or hadn\u2019t slept there last night.<\/p>\n

\u201cCarrie?\u201d\u00a0 Something about this felt bad.\u00a0 Very bad.\u00a0 He headed out to the barn, calling her name over and over, like one of those birds he\u2019d heard about that could learn to speak.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie?\u00a0 Carrie?\u201d\u00a0 No sign of her.\u00a0 She hadn\u2019t fallen out of the loft, or gotten trampled by the cow while she was milking, or anything.\u00a0 He peered down the well.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d he shouted.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d<\/p>\n

He looked up to see Pa and the sheriff riding into the yard.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t ask what had brought them; he didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t find her,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s not here, but the horses are, and the buggy is.\u00a0 Pa, I can\u2019t find her.\u201d\u00a0 He could hear his voice getting more frantic.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cDid you look every place?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI looked in the barn and the bedroom,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019ve been yelling for her ever since I got here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs she in the bathhouse, maybe?\u201d suggested Ben.<\/p>\n

Relief crossed Joe\u2019s face.\u00a0 \u201cOf course,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cShe must be.\u00a0 This time of day, I didn\u2019t even think\u2014thanks, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 He loped around the corner of the house, calling, \u201cCarrie?\u00a0 You in there\u2014CARRIE!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben and Roy raced around the corner of the house and stopped short in the doorway.<\/p>\n

Joe was on his knees beside the bathtub, his hands already covered with her blood as he lifted what was left of her head.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d he shouted into her face, as if she could somehow hear him.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben knelt on the other side of the bathtub, numbed by the shock.\u00a0 Her fingers still curled around the gun.\u00a0 The lovely face was still intact, but the back of her head was splattered across the room.\u00a0 Why she\u2019d chosen to sit in the bathtub would forever remain a mystery.<\/p>\n

Joseph was moaning\u2014gutteral, animal moans from someplace deep inside.\u00a0 He pulled her close, mindless of the blood, and buried his face in what was left of her hair.\u00a0 Ben moved around to kneel beside him, resting a hand on his son\u2019s back, but Joe didn\u2019t seem to notice.<\/p>\n

\u201cBen,\u201d said Roy quietly.\u00a0 When Ben looked up, the sheriff said, \u201cI\u2019ll ride back and let the boys know what\u2019s happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben nodded.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019ll know what to do,\u201d he said in a voice that sounded astonishingly controlled.\u00a0 \u201cMake sure they bring the doctor,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n

Roy looked surprised for just an instant; Carrie was clearly beyond medical help.\u00a0 His practiced eye assessed the dried blood and torn flesh, and he guessed that she\u2019d probably died some time last night, or maybe even earlier.\u00a0 He watched Little Joe Cartwright, with her blood on his face and hands as he held what was left of her, and Roy shook his head.\u00a0 Sad, sad business.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Roy was the only one to look up as Ben and the doctor descended the stairs.\u00a0 Hoss was staring into his glass, and Adam was refilling his own.\u00a0 Roy didn\u2019t usually drink when he was working, but today, he made an exception.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s Joe?\u201d asked Adam, turning to them at last.\u00a0 Without being asked, he poured two more shots and handed them to his father and the doctor.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll sleep for a while,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 He downed the shot and set down the glass.\u00a0 In twenty years, he\u2019d never seen Little Joe Cartwright like this.\u00a0 It had apparently taken the combined efforts of Ben, Roy and Hoss to get him to release his hold on the girl. \u00a0They\u2019d gotten him back to the main house and washed her blood off him, but he hadn\u2019t been able to get a coherent sentence out.\u00a0 Even when the doctor and Adam had returned, hours later, Joe was still sobbing, his chest heaving with the effort of drawing breath and his voice nearly gone as he croaked out her name.\u00a0 Ben convinced him to drink the water in which Doc had dissolved the sleeping powder, and when Joe finally dozed off, he made the hiccupping noises he\u2019d made as a child when he\u2019d cried himself to sleep.<\/p>\n

Roy handed Ben the note they\u2019d found on the table.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t know if Joe might be wanting to see this at some point,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d asked Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe note Joe left Carrie yesterday before he came over here,\u201d Ben said.\u00a0 His son\u2019s writing, never clear at the best of times, would have been all but illegible to someone who wasn\u2019t familiar with it.\u00a0 It said simply,\u00a0I\u2019m spending the night at Pa\u2019s.<\/em>\u00a0 No salutation.\u00a0 No\u00a0Love, Joe.<\/em>\u00a0 Just the terse message, saying so much more than the words themselves.<\/p>\n

Beneath Joe\u2019s writing was Carrie\u2019s neat, carefully controlled script.\u00a0 The note was just as brief, but infinitely heart-rending:\u00a0\u00a0I just wanted you to love me.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben closed his eyes against the tears that welled up.\u00a0 After a moment, he folded the note and put it in his pocket.\u00a0 \u201cWhere was it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the mantelpiece,\u201d said Roy.\u00a0 \u201cBen, do you know what she was talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben sat down heavily.\u00a0 \u201cShe couldn\u2019t have children,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019d had an operation a few years back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Joe kept talkin\u2019 about when they\u2019d have kids\u2014\u201d\u00a0 Hoss stopped, confused.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t know,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cHe just found out a few days ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why he was here last night,\u201d said Adam slowly, and Ben nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was going home this morning to talk to her,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cTo try to figure out how to deal with this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe poor kid,\u201d breathed Adam.\u00a0 \u201cAnd he went home to find this.\u201d\u00a0 He looked Roy squarely in the eye.\u00a0 \u201cThis doesn\u2019t change anything, though,\u201d he said, not quite in question.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s no doubt that she killed herself.\u201d\u00a0 His tone almost challenged the sheriff.<\/p>\n

\u201cNone that I can see,\u201d said Roy, and he saw Adam relax slightly.\u00a0 Truth was that he didn\u2019t question what had happened, even though he\u2019d have given his eyeteeth to have a reason to believe some drifter had done the deed.\u00a0 He knew what Adam was really asking, though:\u00a0 did Roy believe that Carrie had killed herself, or did he think that Joe, her angry husband, had done it?\u00a0 As if Adam had asked the question aloud, Roy shook his head. \u00a0\u201cHer writin\u2019 on that note he left makes it pretty clear that he\u2019d been and gone by the time she did what she did,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He looked around at the group and decided to finish the thought that he knew was in all their minds anyway.\u00a0 \u201cNo way to know what would\u2019ve happened if he hadn\u2019t left.\u00a0 Mebbe she\u2019d have done it anyway, next time he left the house, or mebbe they could\u2019ve talked.\u00a0 In any case, there ain\u2019t no changin\u2019 what happened, and I don\u2019t reckon anybody\u2019s got cause to try to come up with some other story.\u201d\u00a0 He rose.\u00a0 \u201cBen, boys, I\u2019m mighty sorry about this.\u00a0 She was a real nice girl, and Little Joe seemed real happy with her.\u201d\u00a0 He put on his hat, adding, \u201cBen, you let me know when the service is.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to pay my respects.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Roy,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 His old friend patted him on the shoulder and let himself out.<\/p>\n

Hop Sing came out of the kitchen.\u00a0 Gently, as if speaking to a ward of invalids, he said, \u201cSupper ready, Mistah Cahtlight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben turned to the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cPaul, would you like to stay to supper?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, thanks, Ben,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cI should be getting back to town.\u201d\u00a0 He shook his head sadly.\u00a0 \u201cI wish she\u2019d told him before they got married.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss frowned.\u00a0 \u201cBut he\u2019d still have married her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe,\u201d said Doc.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s no way to know what might have been, but if he\u2019d known, at least she wouldn\u2019t have felt as if she needed to lie to him.\u00a0 Knowing Little Joe, I\u2019m guessing that her deceit was almost as hard for him as the news itself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHarder, I\u2019d guess,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2019s never had much use for people who don\u2019t tell the truth,\u201d added Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich probably made it harder for Carrie to speak up as time passed,\u201d said the doctor.\u00a0 \u201cIn any event, I\u2019m going to get back to town, and you all have your supper.\u00a0 See if you can get Joe to eat something when he wakes up.\u00a0 And, of course, if you need me, just let me know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Paul,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 He walked his old friend to the door, promising to let him know about the service.\u00a0 Then, the three Cartwrights took their places around the table, doing their best not to notice that Joe\u2019s place was empty, as was Carrie\u2019s.<\/p>\n

After they had picked at their food long enough, they retired to the living room.\u00a0 Hoss plunked himself down on the settee and stared into the fire.\u00a0 Ben puffed on his pipe, futilely seeking comfort in the sweet scent of tobacco.\u00a0 Adam held a book, but he sat for half an hour without once turning a page.<\/p>\n

Just as Ben was about to head upstairs to check on Joe, they all turned at a sound from the stairs.\u00a0 Joe stood on the top step, wearing only a too-large nightshirt borrowed from Adam.\u00a0 His clothes, soaked with her blood, had been given to Hop Sing to burn.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t seem to notice the cold wood beneath his bare feet.\u00a0 His eyes looked as bleary as if he were drunk.\u00a0 Clinging to the railing, he made his unsteady way down the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph, are you all right?\u201d asked Ben.\u00a0 Foolish question, of course, but he meant it in the most immediate sense.\u00a0 Joe missed a step, grabbing the railing to catch himself as he fell, and the others hurried to help before he tumbled all the way down the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cEasy, Joe,\u201d murmured Hoss, holding his brother up against his strong chest.\u00a0 He guided Joe to the settee, and Joe sank down as if he\u2019d traveled for miles.<\/p>\n

Ben sat on the table, across from his son.\u00a0 \u201cWe didn\u2019t expect you to be up so soon,\u201d he said in the soothing voice reserved for nervous horses and heartbroken sons.\u00a0 He reached out and smoothed Joe\u2019s hair back from his forehead.\u00a0 \u201cDo you think you could eat something?\u201d\u00a0 When Joe shook his head, Ben pressed on.\u00a0 \u201cJoe, you haven\u2019t eaten since yesterday.\u00a0 You need to try a little something.\u00a0 Hop Sing\u2019s got some soup he\u2019s been keeping hot for you.\u00a0 How about a little of that, and then maybe back to bed?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s head jerked up as if his father had suggested something awful.\u00a0 Ben squeezed his hand and said, \u201cJust try a little, okay?\u201d\u00a0 After a minute, Joe nodded dully, and Hoss hastened to the kitchen before Joe could change his mind.\u00a0 \u201cAdam, would you get my dressing gown and slippers,\u201d Ben added over his shoulder as he steadied his youngest son for the walk over to the dining area.<\/p>\n

\u201cSure, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 The eldest Cartwright brother loped up the stairs, grateful for a task, however small.<\/p>\n

By the time Adam returned, Joe had reached the table.\u00a0 Adam wrapped the dressing gown around his brother\u2019s shoulders, holding him close for a moment before he set the slippers on the floor for Joe to step into.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks,\u201d whispered Joe.\u00a0 Adam squeezed his brother\u2019s arm, words momentarily failing the most articulate of the Cartwrights.<\/p>\n

A few minutes later, Joe was seated at the table, his father at his right hand and a bowl of soup and piece of bread in front of him.\u00a0 Ben stroked Joe\u2019s arm, encouraging him quietly, and finally Joe ate methodically, clearly neither knowing nor caring what he ingested.\u00a0 Hop Sing hovered in the doorway, watching silently.\u00a0 At one point, Ben looked up and caught his eyes, and he knew that Hop Sing\u2019s heart was as broken as his own.<\/p>\n

When Joe laid down the spoon and closed his eyes, Ben nodded to Hop Sing.\u00a0 The little man approached to pick up the dishes.\u00a0 Then, he rested one hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder, and he said something quietly in his native tongue.\u00a0 Joe looked up, eyes brimming with anguish, and forced the smallest of smiles.\u00a0 \u201cThank you,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 Hop Sing patted Joe\u2019s shoulder and gathered the dishes, but before he\u2019d turned away, Ben saw tears glistening in the little man\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

Ben rested his arm around Joe\u2019s shoulders and felt the young man shivering.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s get you back up to bed,\u201d he suggested, but Joe shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he said, but the word, more breath than sound, sounded almost desperate.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure?\u201d\u00a0 The boy looked as drained as a human could, but he nodded, and in the next instance, his father understood:\u00a0 his son didn\u2019t want to be alone.\u00a0 Joe Cartwright had always thrived on being surrounded by his family.\u00a0 Fine, then.\u00a0 If being with his father and brothers could bring him even a shred of comfort, they would sit here with him all through the night.\u00a0 \u201cWell, let\u2019s get you back over to the settee, anyway,\u201d he said, helping Joe to his feet.<\/p>\n

The day\u2019s torrent of emotion and Doc\u2019s sedative had left Joe as wobbly as if he\u2019d spent the day drinking.\u00a0 Ben steadied Joe on one side, and Adam hurried to Joe\u2019s other side.\u00a0 Together, they walked slowly, Ben holding his son\u2019s arm and Adam\u2019s hand resting lightly on his little brother\u2019s back, as Joe made his way back to the living room.<\/p>\n

Joe lowered himself to sit on the edge of the settee, as if he were waiting for someone to call for him.\u00a0 When he showed no sign of allowing himself to lean back, Adam asked, \u201cHow\u2019s your back feeling?\u00a0 You think you might be better off lying down?\u201d\u00a0 Joe looked up, almost puzzled, as if the notion had never occurred to him.\u00a0 Then, he nodded, but still he remained upright until Adam laid his hands on Joe\u2019s shoulders, gently helping him to recline.\u00a0 Hoss covered him with a blanket and Ben watched, allowing his older sons the comfort of ministering to their brother.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s that, Shortshanks?\u00a0 You warm enough?\u201d asked Hoss.\u00a0 At Joe\u2019s nod, he added, \u201cYou think you can make some room for me?\u201d\u00a0 Without waiting for an answer, he lifted Joe\u2019s blanket-covered feet and sat down on the end of the settee, replacing Joe\u2019s feet in his lap.\u00a0 The tension in Joe\u2019s face eased ever so slightly, and he laid his head back against the pillow his father had placed behind him, closing his eyes as Hoss stroked his brother\u2019s legs, just as he would have a sick horse.<\/p>\n

Ben settled himself on the edge of the table, stroking Joe\u2019s arm.\u00a0 Tears began to trickle from beneath the closed lids, and Joe turned his face to the back of the settee.\u00a0 Ben rested one hand on the disheveled curls, and with the other, he clutched Joe\u2019s hand.\u00a0 \u201cJust hold on to me,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 \u201cHold on tight.\u00a0 I won\u2019t let you go.\u201d\u00a0 As Joe began to shake, Ben moved to the edge of the settee and took his son in his arms.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not your fault,\u201d he whispered, as he had countless times already.\u00a0 \u201cI promise you that, son.\u00a0 It\u2019s not your fault.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss continued to rub Joe\u2019s legs, and Adam moved to the back of the settee, resting a hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder as the young man\u2019s anguish and guilt spilled over yet again.<\/p>\n

Ben didn\u2019t know how much time passed before the storm of Joe\u2019s grief quieted.\u00a0 At last, his son simply rested his head on his father\u2019s shoulder, held fast in the strong embrace that had seen him through so many lesser struggles.\u00a0 Silently, Hop Sing set down a tray bearing a bowl of warm water, a washcloth and towel, a glass of cool water, a spoon and a small paper envelope.\u00a0 With a grateful nod, Ben continued to rub Joe\u2019s back until his son lay back, drained.\u00a0 As if the young grief-stricken widower was an invalid, Ben pressed the wet washcloth against his son\u2019s face, and then he gently toweled the tear-blotched skin dry.<\/p>\n

Without being asked, Adam dissolved the powdered contents of the envelope into the glass of water, and he handed it to his brother.\u00a0 \u201cJust drink it, Little Brother,\u201d he said simply, but his voice betrayed his own pain.\u00a0 Slowly, Joe drank.\u00a0 As\u00a0 he handed back the empty glass, his eyes met his elder brother\u2019s as both knew again the enormity of their shared loss.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you want to go back upstairs?\u201d suggested Ben.\u00a0 At Joe\u2019s headshake, Ben started to speak again, but Hoss\u2019 hand on his arm stopped him.\u00a0 Hoss shook his head ever so slightly, and Ben understood:\u00a0 once the sedative had worked and Joe was asleep, Hoss would take him up to his room.\u00a0 Silently, in the midst of this darkness, he gave thanks once again for sons who would do anything for each other, even in the face of their own grief.<\/p>\n

The room was still, save for the crackling of the fire.\u00a0 The sedative was beginning to work its merciful magic, and Joe\u2019s eyelids were drooping, but still he clung to his father\u2019s hand.\u00a0 For a moment, Ben was tempted to talk, to read aloud or pray, perhaps, but the notion felt clumsy.\u00a0 And yet, the easy silence that accompanied so many evenings was beyond them now.<\/p>\n

Then, he knew.\u00a0 \u201cAdam,\u201d he said softly.\u00a0 He nodded toward the corner, and his eldest son understood.\u00a0 And so, as the Cartwrights huddled together against a grief more harsh and violent than any they had ever known, the gentle, clear music of Adam\u2019s guitar spoke ever so quietly of the hope of comfort and healing.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Many years later, after the death of his own wife, a philosopher would write, \u201cNo one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.\u201d\u00a0 Had they lived in the same era, Joe Cartwright could have told him that.\u00a0 The same dry mouth and sweaty palms.\u00a0 The same dropping in his stomach when he thought of her being dead and gone forever.\u00a0 The same trembling.\u00a0 The same sense of the world spinning wildly out of control, and nothing to hold onto in order to keep from being flung off the planet and out into the great void.<\/p>\n

The day after her funeral, Joe awoke with a hangover as fierce as any whiskey had ever created, except that this hangover was caused by sedatives and grief.\u00a0 He closed his eyes tightly against the bright light edging the blinds.\u00a0 For an instant, he didn\u2019t know where he was or why.\u00a0 He knew only that there was a great gaping hole in him, jagged and bleeding, even though his body looked to be intact.<\/p>\n

And then, harsh, burning agony rushed into the hole, the acid filling it to overflowing and spilling out over everything, everywhere.\u00a0 The pounding in his head, the roiling of his stomach–they were nothing compared to this.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t have thought he could possibly have any tears left, but they spilled down his cheeks anyway.\u00a0 He rolled onto his side, trembling, his stomach turning over and over, and he curled up into the tightest ball he could manage, bracing himself against the onslaught, ignoring the knife-like protests from his back.<\/p>\n

Carrie,<\/em>\u00a0he thought.\u00a0 His lips formed her name, but he couldn\u2019t say it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t deserve to.\u00a0 If it hadn\u2019t been for him\u2014his stupid anger, his idiotic pride, his selfish insistence that how he felt was the most important thing\u2014she\u2019d be alive now.\u00a0 If only he\u2019d looked for her before he came over here.\u00a0 If only he hadn\u2019t come.\u00a0 If he\u2019d stayed\u2014she would never have done it.\u00a0 She\u2019d begged for his forgiveness, and he hadn\u2019t given it.\u00a0 Naked, on her knees, she\u2019d begged him.\u00a0\u00a0Begged.<\/em>\u00a0 But his self-righteous pride could only see how her actions had affected him.\u00a0 In his arrogance, he was too blind to see why she\u2019d done it, or maybe he just hadn\u2019t cared, because he was too stubborn, too angry, to think about anybody else.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t good enough for a woman like her.\u00a0 It was his fault she was dead.\u00a0 His, and his alone.<\/p>\n

The gentle touch on his shoulder startled him.\u00a0 He looked up to see his father\u2019s face, lined with grief.\u00a0 The dark eyes were brimming with tears and helplessness.\u00a0 Pa sat on the edge of the bed, stroking Joe\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

For a long time, neither spoke.\u00a0 Then suddenly, violently, Joe\u2019s stomach rejected its paltry contents.\u00a0 He lunged for the edge of the bed, barely reaching it before he retched.\u00a0 He lay back, as drained as if he\u2019d been feverish for a long, long time.<\/p>\n

Pa handed him a glass of water.\u00a0 \u201cJust take it easy for a few minutes,\u201d he said quietly.\u00a0 Joe sat up, clutching the glass with both hands to keep from spilling it.\u00a0 He managed to drink a little bit, and then Pa took the glass, setting it on the bedside table.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, we\u2019ll get this cleaned up,\u201d said Pa when he saw Joe looking over the edge of the bed.\u00a0 \u201cYou just rest for a little bit.\u201d\u00a0 He called for Hop Sing, but it was Adam who came in and spoke with his father in a low voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do it,\u201d murmured Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can stay right there,\u201d said Adam in a teasing version of his strict-older-brother voice.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll take care of this.\u201d\u00a0 Joe wanted to argue, but suddenly, he was just too exhausted.\u00a0 Still sitting up, he closed his eyes, letting the deep voices swirl around him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe,\u201d came Pa\u2019s voice, so warm and forgiving.\u00a0 Joe pressed his fist against his mouth.\u00a0 Pa would have forgiven her.\u00a0 He\u2019d have understood.\u00a0 So would Adam, or Hoss.\u00a0 Joe was the only one who was so cold and selfish that he would walk out on a distraught woman, would let her believe that her husband didn\u2019t love her.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I did,\u201d he protested.\u00a0 \u201cI did love her.\u00a0 I did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d said Pa gently.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never meant for her to think\u2014I should have stayed\u2014it was my fault. . . .\u201d\u00a0 He was shaking now, icy fear running through him like the river just after the thaw.<\/p>\n

\u201cSssh,\u201d murmured Pa, pulling him close.\u00a0 \u201cIt wasn\u2019t your fault.\u00a0 I promise you, Joe.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cShe thought I didn\u2019t love her.\u00a0 I should have gone back.\u00a0 If I\u2019d gone back, she\u2019d never have done it.\u201d\u00a0 He repeated the words over and over, as if sheer repetition could rob them of their power, their truth.\u00a0 He wanted to break free of Pa\u2019s arms\u2014he didn\u2019t deserve this comfort, this love\u2014but he wasn\u2019t strong enough.\u00a0 Instead, he rested his head on his father\u2019s shoulder and let exhaustion cover him like the first snowfall.\u00a0 His words faded, and eventually, he felt Pa laying him back on the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust rest, son,\u201d came the quiet words through the fog.\u00a0 Joe felt blunt, work-roughened fingertips resting ever so lightly against his cheek, and he heard Pa whisper, \u201cIt wasn\u2019t your fault.\u201d<\/p>\n

He wanted to argue, to tell Pa he was wrong, but the words wouldn\u2019t come.\u00a0 Everything seemed to be moving farther and farther away\u2014the cold, the fear, the sounds.\u00a0 The gun.\u00a0 The blood drying in her hair.\u00a0 Her fingers, curled around the butt of the pistol.\u00a0 The pine box in the hole up on the bluff.\u00a0 The absence of her, forever and ever.\u00a0 All moving silently away.\u00a0 Only the agony remained, fiery and immediate and all-consuming, like a river of lava, leaving nothing untouched.\u00a0 He would have held on, but he was too tired.\u00a0 Let grief have its way.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t fight any more.\u00a0 His eyes closed, and blessed oblivion claimed him again.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Wearily, Ben strode into the sheriff\u2019s office.\u00a0 \u201cMorning, Roy,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Roy nodded.\u00a0 \u201cMornin\u2019, Ben,\u201d he responded, rising from his desk.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s in there,\u201d he added, gesturing to the cell.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow much this time?\u201d asked Ben as he drew his wallet from his vest pocket.<\/p>\n

\u201cSam said to tell you fifty dollars should cover it,\u201d said Roy.\u00a0 The truth was that Sam had figured a whole lot more than that, but he\u2019d told Roy to say fifty, and then only if Ben asked.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t like this was the first time, or the tenth, that Joe Cartwright had busted up Sam\u2019s saloon in the past two months, but Sam figured the kid sort of had a right.\u00a0 Everybody knew by now what had happened, and why.\u00a0 Granted, most of the gossip had died down by now, but every now and again, some miner with a snootful would get irked about how much money he was losing to Joe at the poker table and would make some comment about Carrie, and that was all it took.\u00a0 Usually, it was just a brawl, but twice now, Joe had been the faster gun, even drunk, and people were starting to talk about how the kid\u2019s luck couldn\u2019t run forever.\u00a0 Then again, Sam mused, maybe after the bad luck he\u2019d had, he was entitled to ride this train at least a little while longer.<\/p>\n

Adam and Hoss usually appeared early enough to haul their drunken brother out of the saloon before things got too bad, but they\u2019d been off on a cattle drive for the past week.\u00a0 As a result, Ben Cartwright had taken to making the rounds of the saloons, hauling the boy out of one only to have him find his way into another.\u00a0 His elder sons had been reluctant to leave, but Ben had insisted:\u00a0 the cattle had to be moved, and Joe was in no shape to join them.<\/p>\n

The first few days after the funeral, Joe had been largely silent, barely seeming to notice his surroundings.\u00a0 Then, a week after Carrie\u2019s death, Joe appeared at breakfast one morning and announced that he was going home.<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, do you think that\u2019s a good idea?\u201d asked Ben hesitantly.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss and Hop Sing had tried their best, but there were still bloodstains on the wall and floor of the bath house.\u00a0 They\u2019d planned to go back and whitewash the room before Joe saw it, but there simply hadn\u2019t been time yet.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s our home,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 Something hard and angry in his eyes challenged anyone to dispute him.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, it\u2019s still\u2014we haven\u2019t finished cleaning up,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cGive us a couple more days, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cYou can whitewash from now until kingdom come, but her blood\u2019s always going to be there, no matter what.\u00a0 Might as well leave it just the way it is.\u00a0 It ain\u2019t like there are any secrets any more.\u00a0 Everybody knows what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was nothing they could say to that:\u00a0 everybody did seem to know what had happened, and why.\u00a0 Nobody was quite certain how, but it seemed as if all of Virginia City knew the sordid details\u2014Carrie\u2019s lies, Joe\u2019s anger, and how he went off to stay at his pa\u2019s house and she put a gun in her mouth.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t even add extra details; the truth was so bad that it didn\u2019t need embellishment.\u00a0 But still, they speculated about what had been said, and more than one person advanced the theory that Carrie might still be alive if Joe had been a little more forgiving.\u00a0 The cowhand who spat out that notion in a saloon a couple weeks after the funeral woke up two mornings later in Doc Martin\u2019s clinic, battered nearly beyond recognition by the grieving widower\u2019s fists.<\/p>\n

That brawl had marked the first time since Carrie\u2019s death that Joe had spent the night in Roy\u2019s jail.\u00a0 As the weeks went on, Adam and Hoss sometimes got to Joe in time, and sometimes Roy got to him first as late-night saloon fights became early evening fights.\u00a0 By now, they were sliding back into the afternoon, as Joe dove deeper into the bottle and his legendary temper burned hotter.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill there be any charges?\u201d Ben asked as Roy fished the keys out of his desk drawer.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope,\u201d said Roy.\u00a0 \u201cEver\u2019body in the place said Fletcher started it.\u00a0 Lucky thing Joe was as drunk as he was.\u00a0 Folks seem to think that, if he hadn\u2019t lost his balance on that last swing, he\u2019d have put Ned Fletcher\u2019s head right through the wall.\u201d\u00a0 Roy\u2019s matter-of-fact tone simultaneously irritated and relieved Ben.\u00a0 To the naked eye, it was just a saloon brawl.\u00a0 Nothing exceptional at all.<\/p>\n

But it wasn\u2019t just a saloon brawl.\u00a0 Roy opened the door separating the office from the cells, and Joe stirred slightly on the cot.\u00a0 His face was a mess of dried blood and new bruises on top of the older ones.\u00a0 Even in sleep, his arm cradled his midsection as if in pain.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou might want to take him on over to Doc Martin,\u201d suggested Roy.\u00a0 \u201cI couldn\u2019t tell for sure, but it wouldn\u2019t surprise me if he done cracked a rib or two.\u00a0 Fletcher\u2019s no slouch with his fists, I can tell you that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNed Fletcher is nearly as big as Hoss,\u201d said Ben, staring at the slight young man who had taken him on.<\/p>\n

\u201cNearly as big, with ten times Hoss\u2019 temper,\u201d agreed Roy.\u00a0 \u201cHow Joe kept from getting beat to a pulp is anybody\u2019s guess.\u201d\u00a0 He unlocked the cell and opened the door.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s all yours,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBucket\u2019s over there,\u201d he added, stepping out into the office and deliberately closing the door to the cell area.<\/p>\n

Ben didn\u2019t have long to wait.\u00a0 One of Joe\u2019s eyes was swollen almost shut, but the other opened slowly.\u00a0 \u201cPa?\u201d he managed.\u00a0 He turned his head, and almost at once, his face went white.\u00a0 He leaned over the side of the cot and cringed as he vomited into the bucket his father held.<\/p>\n

All-too-familiar pain welled up as Ben gazed down at his son.\u00a0 The part of him that wanted to take the boy to task for such behavior warred with the part that understood all too well what he was feeling.\u00a0 In the weeks and months after Elizabeth\u2019s death, Ben had repeatedly fought down the urge to punch something, scream at someone, do anything to try to relieve the pressure of grief.\u00a0 But he\u2019d been accompanied by an infant and a nurse, and he\u2019d forced himself maintain some modicum of control for their sake.\u00a0 And so, he\u2019d pushed down his rage and his guilt and his pain and even his love for her, locking his feelings away until he was little more than a cold, bitter shell.\u00a0 Not until he met Inger, five long years later, did he understand what he had done to himself and, by extension, to his son.\u00a0 Even now, Adam\u2019s response to anger and grief was to push them down, hide them deep inside, and keep everyone from knowing how he felt.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on,\u201d Ben said, more roughly than he\u2019d intended.\u00a0 \u201cYou need to get over Doc Martin\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n

The bleary green eyes were sullen, almost daring his father to touch him.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Joe mumbled.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t need a doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you?\u201d\u00a0 Ben pressed ever so lightly on Joe\u2019s torso, and his son gasped in pain.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d\u00a0 He walked out of the cell without looking back.<\/p>\n

A few minutes later, as Ben stood on the sidewalk in front of the sheriff\u2019s office, Joe stumbled out, blinking against the daylight.\u00a0 The bruises were even more colorful in the morning sun.\u00a0 The edges of Joe\u2019s hair were wet, evidence that he\u2019d tried to wash off some of the dried blood, but he hadn\u2019t done much good.\u00a0 Grief, anger, sorrow, contempt and compassion battled in Ben\u2019s heart for a moment, and he read in his son\u2019s face that Joe saw it all.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 Ben waited.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t mean to. . . .\u201d\u00a0 His voice trailed off, as if he\u2019d forgotten what he was going to say.<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s heart ached.\u00a0 He wanted to tell his son that drinking and fighting weren\u2019t going to bring Carrie back, anymore than beating up everyone in the territory would somehow absolve him of the blame he placed on himself.\u00a0 He wanted to tell the boy that he knew what it was like to feel utterly responsible for the death of someone he loved, to spend countless hours trying to figure out what he could have done to make it come out differently and then to weep hot, bitter tears at the reality that it didn\u2019t matter anyway, because nothing could change what had happened.<\/p>\n

But that conversation was for later.\u00a0 There was a more immediate matter to be addressed now.\u00a0 Ben said simply, \u201cAfter we finish at the doctor\u2019s, you\u2019re coming home with me.\u00a0 You\u2019re not going back to that house or coming back into town until I say so.\u00a0 Is that understood?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going back to my own house,\u201d said Joe, his contrition suddenly vanishing.\u00a0 \u201cI can go home if I want to.\u00a0 I can go wherever I want.\u00a0 I\u2019m not a kid anymore.\u201d\u00a0 He raised his bruised chin defiantly in the face of his father\u2019s orders.\u00a0 For an insane moment, Ben could feel laughter bubbling up inside him:\u00a0 but for the blood and bruises, he might have been looking at the curly-haired ten-year-old who had once insisted with just such defiance that he was good enough to ride a particular chestnut mare who was only greenbroke.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s strictest orders hadn\u2019t kept the boy off the horse that day, although the next day, a throbbing backside was enough to keep him from sitting in a saddle, or pretty much anywhere else.<\/p>\n

Ben pulled himself back to the present argument.\u00a0 Putting the boy over his knee was obviously no longer an option, but he still had a few cards in his hand.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re also not twenty-one yet,\u201d he said firmly.\u00a0 \u201cIn the eyes of the law, you are indeed still a child.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a grown man!\u201d snapped Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI was old enough to get married, and I\u2019m old enough to live in my own house if I want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if that were so, I\u2019m still your father, and I still have some authority, regardless of your age.\u201d\u00a0 He fixed his son with a stony glare, but Joe held his own.\u00a0 Ben continued, \u201cI don\u2019t want you going back there.\u00a0 You can\u2019t handle it right now, any more than you seem to be able to handle coming into town.\u00a0 Either way, you end up passed out drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can handle what I\u2019m doing,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, if I can\u2019t, it\u2019s my problem, not anybody else\u2019s.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to come and bail me out.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to send Hoss and Adam to drag me home or sober me up in the morning.\u00a0 I can handle my own life just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe way you\u2019ve been doing?\u201d Ben challenged.\u00a0 \u201cLook at yourself.\u00a0 Is this what Carrie would have wanted you to be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t say her name!\u201d\u00a0 The shout was obviously a reflex, borne of too many callous comments by too many drunks.\u00a0 It caught them both off guard for a moment, and then Ben pressed his advantage.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe truth is that, while you may be bound and determined to drink yourself into an early grave, I\u2019m not going to stand idly by and let you do it,\u201d he said steadily.\u00a0 \u201cThis family has known enough grief already.\u00a0 I won\u2019t let you add to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was gratified to see that Joe looked startled by that statement.\u00a0 Instinctively, he had veered away from the topic of what his son was doing to himself; the past two months had shown all too well that Joe was dangerously unconcerned about what could happen to him.\u00a0 On the sidewalk in front of the sheriff\u2019s office, Ben played the one card he trusted to get his son\u2019s attention\u2014Joe\u2019s love for his family.<\/p>\n

He held his breath as he forced himself to maintain a stern glare.\u00a0 After a minute, the boy looked down and away.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d Joe said, his voice barely audible.\u00a0 Relief washed over Ben; the gamble had worked.\u00a0 He could still reach his son.\u00a0 He held fast now.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s apology was choked with anguish, but from twenty years of dealing with Joseph, Ben knew what was needed, and he made himself press on.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d\u00a0 Ben waited, but Joe didn\u2019t look up.\u00a0 \u201cJoseph.\u00a0 Look at me when you speak to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u201cYes, sir,\u201d he whispered, his bravado gone.\u00a0 Ben waited again.\u00a0 Finally, Joe looked up, tears glistening in the morning sun as he met his father\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

Ben nodded.\u00a0 \u201cI know, son,\u201d he said quietly, resting a forgiving hand on his son\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cNow, let\u2019s get over to the doctor\u2019s and get those ribs looked at.\u201d<\/p>\n

But Joe\u2019s lips were trembling.\u00a0 \u201cPa\u2014\u201d he began.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome here,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 Swiftly, he shepherded Joe back inside, past Roy\u2019s desk and back toward the cells, where he closed the door.\u00a0 There, he held his son as closely as the cracked ribs would allow, and the boy\u2019s grief spilled over once again, tears carving tracks through the blood on the battered young face.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa,\u201d he wept.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so sorry. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben closed his eyes against the agony in his son\u2019s voice.\u00a0 \u201cI know, son,\u201d he murmured, stroking the back of the rumpled green jacket.\u00a0 \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Eventually, the battered young body stilled, and Joe lifted his head from his father\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to mess up your shirt,\u201d he said, brushing ineffectually at the blood that had smeared on Ben\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry about that,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s just get you over to the doctor\u2019s and then go home.\u201d\u00a0 He handed Joe his handkerchief, and the boy did his best to wipe away the signs of tears and blood.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa?\u201d<\/p>\n

With red-rimmed eyes and bruised face, Joseph appeared to be so young, but the pain in his eyes made him look far older than his years.\u00a0 Ben nodded for his son to continue.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill it ever stop hurting?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben caught his breath.\u00a0 He wished so much that he could lie, could tell him that it would all be over soon.\u00a0 But he\u2019d made a promise to himself, the night Carrie died, that he would tell Joe the truth.\u00a0 Ben had had no one to walk with him through the agony of Elizabeth\u2019s death or Inger\u2019s.\u00a0 Even after Marie died, when he was settled and had friends, none of them had experienced what he was going through.\u00a0 If any good could be said to come from those tragedies, it was this\u2014that he could say to his son, in all honesty,\u00a0I know how you feel.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

And so, Ben cupped his son\u2019s face in his hand.\u00a0 \u201cNot completely,\u201d he said truthfully.\u00a0 \u201cBut it will fade.\u00a0 And you will get through this.\u00a0 I promise you that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe considered this for a long minute.\u00a0 \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 He started to give back the handkerchief, but Ben shook his head, smiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He reached for the doorknob, but Joe\u2019s hand on his stopped him from opening the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet,\u201d Joe said in a voice strangled with pain.\u00a0 \u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben regarded his son.\u00a0 Everything in him wanted the boy seen by a doctor, home and in bed.\u00a0 He wanted to fix what he could, he realized ruefully.\u00a0 Because there was so much more that needed fixing, and so little anyone could do.<\/p>\n

He guided Joe back into the empty cell, and the two men sat on the cot\u2014the son leaning against the father as he searched his heart for the courage to face the day, and the father holding his son as if he would never let him go.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Ben glanced at his youngest son as the preacher droned on.\u00a0 The old Joe would have been fidgeting, flipping through the hymnal, anything to stay awake.\u00a0 Now, he sat unmoving, as if he were paying rapt attention to every word.\u00a0 Only someone who knew him as well as his father did would have realized that his mind was miles away, on a bluff overlooking the lake.\u00a0 Casually, his own gaze focused on the pulpit, Ben rested his hand on Joe\u2019s thigh.\u00a0 Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Joe\u2019s head turn abruptly, and then he saw the tense shoulders relax slightly.<\/p>\n

It had been nearly six months since Carrie\u2019s death, but in some ways, it was as fresh as if it had happened last week.\u00a0 Joe had returned to the main house, and if he hadn\u2019t stopped drinking entirely, at least there were fewer saloon brawls.\u00a0 But those were small things.\u00a0 The bigger issue\u2014the way Joe blamed himself for her death\u2014hadn\u2019t gone away, or even faded.\u00a0 Joe just hid it better now, with very little talking and a lot of time in his room or in the barn, alone.\u00a0 Most of the time, whatever they said to him had to be repeated, because the first time, he wouldn\u2019t hear it over his own thoughts.<\/p>\n

After the service, Ben turned to his sons.\u00a0 \u201cI was thinking it might be nice to stay in town for dinner,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Hoss grinned.\u00a0 \u201cI was just thinkin\u2019 the same thing,\u201d he said.\u00a0 With Hop Sing away, he\u2019d been hoping for a suggestion like that.\u00a0 Pa had a lot of fine qualities, but he just wasn\u2019t much of a cook, and sadly, all of his sons had inherited his lack of culinary talent.\u00a0 When their beloved cook was away, the Cartwrights subsisted on a lot of overcooked beef and underdone potatoes, alternated with beans that stayed bland no matter what they threw into the pot.<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds good to me,\u201d offered Adam, for much the same reasons.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph?\u201d Ben asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 Oh, sure, fine.\u00a0 Whatever you want.\u201d\u00a0 Joe tried to sound agreeable, but the fact was that he couldn\u2019t have cared less what they did about dinner.\u00a0 Nothing had any taste anyway.\u00a0 Over the past few months, he\u2019d lost so much weight off his already slim frame that his father had insisted that he allow the doctor to check him over.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, then, let\u2019s go,\u201d said Ben, stepping out of the pew.\u00a0 He turned just as Matilda Wilkins came up the aisle with another equally round woman beside her.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Ben, this is my sister, Dolly,\u201d said Matilda proudly.\u00a0 \u201cDolly, this is the gentleman I was telling you about, Ben Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPleased to meet you,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 He was well-accustomed to the local ladies bringing their unmarried relatives and friends to meet at least one member of his family.\u00a0 Judging from Dolly\u2019s age, he suspected that Matilda might have had her eye on Ben himself as a potential brother-in-law.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd these are Ben\u2019s sons, Adam and Hoss\u2014oh, and this one is the youngest, Little Joe.\u201d\u00a0 The last part seemed to have some special emphasis, and Ben saw his son stiffen.\u00a0 Pleasantries were exchanged, but Dolly\u2019s eyes kept darting to Joe.\u00a0 As the ladies moved off, Dolly twittered, \u201cSo, that\u2019s the one whose wife\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSsssh!\u201d\u00a0 Matilda looked back over her shoulder to see Adam glaring at her.\u00a0 Her round cheeks reddened as she ducked her head next to her sister\u2019s and the two women scurried up the aisle.<\/p>\n

Hoss rested his hand on Joe\u2019s shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you pay them no mind,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cThey ain\u2019t worth the bother.\u00a0 Now, come on, let\u2019s get over to the International House before Pa decides we should go back to the Ponderosa so\u2019s he can cook for us!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s face was stony.\u00a0 \u201cYou all go ahead,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not real hungry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe\u2014\u201d Ben began, but Joe held up his hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, please,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI just\u2014I don\u2019t feel like eating right now.\u00a0 I\u2019ll meet you at the livery stable later.\u201d\u00a0 He ducked past his father and started up the aisle.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph.\u201d\u00a0 At Ben\u2019s call, Joe turned back.\u00a0 Everything in Ben wanted to tell his son that he was forbidden from going to the saloon, but as he looked at the fresh pain flaming in his son\u2019s eyes, he couldn\u2019t do it.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll see you later,\u201d he said simply.\u00a0 He watched as Joe nodded briefly, turning to leave without another word.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam had gone to bed by the time Joe returned that night.\u00a0 The end of his tie was sticking out of his jacket pocket, and his cheeks were ruddy with the chill of the autumn night.\u00a0 He let himself into the house and turned to see his father exactly where he\u2019d expected him, in the leather chair by the fire.<\/p>\n

He knew that Pa had probably been more worried than angry, although he was probably angry, too.\u00a0 He knew he should apologize.\u00a0 They\u2019d likely checked every saloon in town, looking for him.\u00a0 The truth was that he\u2019d only had a couple of drinks, enough to take the edge off, and then he\u2019d been overwhelmed by the need to just get out of town and be someplace where there weren\u2019t any other people.\u00a0 So, he\u2019d gone to the livery stable and told old Pete to let them know he\u2019d meet them back home, and he\u2019d ridden for miles and miles, luxuriating in the feeling of not being some sort of circus freak to be stared at and whispered about.\u00a0 He\u2019d gone all the way up to Rocking Chair Butte before he stopped, pulling off Cochise\u2019s saddle to give him a good rest.\u00a0 The next thing he knew, the sun was setting, and the whole afternoon and evening had gone by without his even realizing it.<\/p>\n

Pa\u2019s eyes were that combination of stern and kind that only he could manage.\u00a0 Before the lecture could begin, Joe strode over and sat down on the table.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I want to go away,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI need to get away from here.\u201d<\/p>\n

His father regarded him for a long minute before he said, \u201cRunning away isn\u2019t going to change anything, Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not running away,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cAt least, not the way you mean.\u00a0 I just need to go someplace where nobody knows about\u2014where I\u2019m not that fellow whose wife\u2014where I\u2019m not\u2014where nobody knows.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben puffed on his pipe.\u00a0 The truth was that he\u2019d been expecting this.\u00a0 It was almost surprising that Joe had held off this long.\u00a0 \u201cI can understand why you\u2019d want to go,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut what about afterward?\u00a0 Do you think it\u2019ll be any different when you come back?\u00a0 Or\u2014aren\u2019t you planning to come back?\u201d\u00a0 The thought hit him hard, but he kept his tone level.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do,\u201d Joe said honestly.\u00a0 \u201cI just need to get away.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben drew on his pipe.\u00a0 \u201cTo be quite honest, son, I\u2019d rather you didn\u2019t go,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cNot now, anyway.\u00a0 Maybe in the spring. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stood up.\u00a0 \u201cPa, I\u2019ve done what you asked,\u201d he said, his voice tight.\u00a0 \u201cI came back here, I\u2019ve stayed out of the saloons, I haven\u2019t been drunk.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried, I really have.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried to move on, to put it behind me, to figure out how to be normal again, but I can\u2019t.\u00a0 I can\u2019t do this anymore.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to go now.\u00a0 I need to get away from here, from this whole thing.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you understand that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, I know it\u2019s hard\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, you don\u2019t know,\u201d Joe cut him off.\u00a0 \u201cBecause my mother\u2019s death wasn\u2019t your fault, and neither was Hoss\u2019 mother\u2019s, and neither was Adam\u2019s.\u00a0 Nobody blamed you for any of them.\u00a0 And nobody blamed them, either.\u201d\u00a0 He was pacing now.\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t even go to my own mother\u2019s grave without being reminded of what happened, because Carrie\u2019s right beside her.\u00a0 If I go to the lake\u2014that\u2019s where I proposed to her.\u00a0 If I head up to the north pasture, I go past our house.\u00a0 She\u2019s everyplace, but she\u2019s no place because she\u2019s not here and she never will be again, and it\u2019s my fault, and I need to go someplace where that\u2019s not staring me in the face every second of every day!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe\u2019s fists were clenched.\u00a0 The anguish he\u2019d learned to mask so well was obvious now, in his voice and his face and his body.\u00a0 Everything in Ben wanted to hold his boy close and tell him to stay right here, that they\u2019d face down the demons together, but bitter experience had taught him that this only worked up to a point, and they\u2019d passed that point.<\/p>\n

Some demons have to be faced alone.<\/p>\n

More quietly, Joe said, \u201cPa, I don\u2019t need your permission to go\u2014but it would mean a lot to know that I had it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben watched the young man.\u00a0 Slowly, he puffed on his pipe, buying time.\u00a0 There were a thousand reasons to say no, but only one reason to say yes:\u00a0 because his son had asked him to.\u00a0 He set down his pipe and leaned forward.\u00a0 \u201cWhen were you planning on leaving?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTomorrow morning,\u201d Joe said cautiously.<\/p>\n

Ben swallowed hard.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to say it, but he forced himself to speak anyway. \u201cThen I expect you need go and pack.\u201d<\/p>\n

Understanding dawned in Joe\u2019s eyes.\u00a0 \u201cThanks, Pa,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 He headed up the stairs, leaving his father alone by the fire.<\/p>\n

Ben laid his head against the back of his chair.\u00a0 Joe was wrong.\u00a0 There was indeed someone who had blamed Ben for the deaths of his wives:\u00a0 Ben himself.\u00a0 When Elizabeth died, he chastised himself for having let her work while she was with child, for having gotten her in that condition in the first place, for not having somehow foreseen this and had better medical help.\u00a0 When he lost Inger, he berated himself for taking her away from her safe little town, out to the prairie where Indian attacks could happen.\u00a0 And when Marie died, he held himself responsible for having bought that blasted horse in the first place and for not having the sense to know that she would ride it, regardless of what he said.With each loss, guilt had complicated his grief, overshadowing it at times. Finally, though, he began to recognize how miniscule was his power over the events of this world.\u00a0 And with that recognition came the ability to begin to let go of the guilt, and to reclaim the love that was, after all, the only thing worth remembering.<\/p>\n

He drew on his pipe, but it had gone out.\u00a0 He thought briefly of relighting it, but instead, he set it on the hearth.\u00a0 Upstairs, his son was packing, thinking that getting away would lessen the agony of living in a world without the woman he loved.\u00a0 He would learn, as his father had, that grief is no respecter of geography.\u00a0 It would ride his coattails no matter where he went, as long as Joe allowed, and even after that, it would pop up every now and again, just because it could.<\/p>\n

But this was something Joe would have to learn for himself.\u00a0 And when he did, he would come home.<\/p>\n

Or so his father prayed.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

The horse\u2019s breath made cloud-like puffs in the chilly morning air.\u00a0 Joe tightened his cinch and turned to his family.\u00a0\u00a0Brave\u00a0<\/em>was the only word that came to mind as he watched them trying to appear casual about his departure.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou take care, now, Shortshanks,\u201d said Hoss, pounding him on the arm.\u00a0 The big man\u2019s grin was determined and unconvincing, but Joe just nodded, forcing a grin of his own as he rubbed his arm in mock indignation.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope you find what you\u2019re looking for,\u201d Adam said quietly.\u00a0 He knew a thing or two about loss and grief and taking time to figure things out, but this was the first time he\u2019d been the one to watch somebody else leave.\u00a0 In that moment, he appreciated how hard it had been for his father to let him go after the end of his relationship with Regina Darien.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll let us hear from you,\u201d said Ben.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question, but Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cTake this,\u201d Ben added, tucking an envelope into the inner pocket of Joe\u2019s jacket.\u00a0 \u201cJust in case.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPa, I\u2019ve got enough money, I don\u2019t need\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust take it,\u201d said Ben, and something in his eyes made Joe fall silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks,\u201d he said after a minute.\u00a0 He looked at the three of them, ready to let him go in spite of everything they thought best.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be in touch,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He swung into his saddle and kicked Cochise\u2019s sides, raising his hand in a wave as he rode out.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Days blurred into one another as the trail wound through the mountains.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t have said where he was going, except away, but for now, that was enough of a destination.<\/p>\n

It was oddly comforting to have no one to talk to except Cochise.\u00a0 He found himself commenting on things he saw as if the horse might answer him.\u00a0 Sometimes, when he stopped for a break, he made coffee even if he didn\u2019t want it, just to have something to share.\u00a0 His brothers always got a kick out of watching Joe hold the coffee cup for Cochise as the pinto drank with surprisingly little splashing.\u00a0 Now, there was nobody to watch or tease, but that was all right.\u00a0 It was the price to be paid for not having anyone to hover or stare.<\/p>\n

At night sometimes, Joe lay back, his head on the saddle, and looked up at the night sky, clear and cold.\u00a0 That was when the memories were strongest.\u00a0 Moments that he thought he\u2019d forgotten began to crowd his mind, silly little things like a pie Carrie had baked that she\u2019d thought turned out badly, but which hadn\u2019t been bad at all, or how excited she was about the curtains she\u2019d made for the window in the kitchen.<\/p>\n

After a while, he began, very cautiously, to let himself remember her as his wife:\u00a0 the warmth of her body pressed against his, the softness of her lips, the sweetness of her voice moaning with pleasure.\u00a0 Her breasts, cupped in his hands like sun-warmed apples.\u00a0 Her hands, delicate-looking but unexpectedly strong as they caressed his backside.\u00a0 He recalled being deliciously surprised by how firmly she held him inside her.\u00a0 One night, as he let his mind wander through these memories, he was almost shocked to find that he was aroused by them.\u00a0 It was the first time since her death that his body had responded this way.\u00a0 Reflexively, he sat up and looked around, embarrassed, but there was no one present to see or to judge.\u00a0 After a minute, he lay back, allowing himself to enjoy the memory, willing her to be present in his mind.<\/p>\n

It occurred to him one day that he didn\u2019t know the date anymore.\u00a0 The realization jarred him.\u00a0 Carrie had died on the tenth of April.\u00a0 On the tenth of May, he\u2019d spent the day thinking, \u201cA month ago, she was still alive.\u201d\u00a0 Then, in June, it was two months, and then three and four, five and six.\u00a0 But now, if he didn\u2019t know the date, how would he know when it was seven months?\u00a0 What if he missed the tenth of November, or December?\u00a0 A good husband wouldn\u2019t forget about the anniversary of his wife\u2019s death.\u00a0 But if he\u2019d been a good husband, there wouldn\u2019t be an anniversary to mark, because his wife wouldn\u2019t be dead.\u00a0 The realization slammed into him as if someone had thrown an enormous rock at his gut, and he had to dismount before he crumpled to the ground.\u00a0 There, by the side of the road, the pinto waited patiently as Joe fell to his knees, moans escaping him as doubled over with anguish that felt as fiery and all-consuming as the very day she died.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know where he was going, but as the days passed, he found that he didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 All he knew for certain was that he wasn\u2019t ready to turn back.\u00a0 Being anonymous suited him.\u00a0 Even when he stopped in a town, as he did from time to time, nobody knew who he was.\u00a0 He was just another drifter.\u00a0 If he had a beer or got into a poker game, his name didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 When somebody asked, he just said he was Joe; if they pressed for his full name, he gave them a level stare with a glint of danger and repeated, \u201cJoe.\u201d\u00a0 Maybe it was the look in his eye that said that he had nothing left to lose, but nobody pushed beyond that point.<\/p>\n

The nights were getting colder, and it occurred to him that he should find a town so that he could sleep inside.\u00a0 He still had enough money to cover food and lodging, but among the thoughts that drifted through his brain was the recognition that eventually, he would need to start working occasionally, if only so that he\u2019d have the option of not working when it suited him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want his funds to run so low that he might be forced to work when he\u2019d rather not.\u00a0 With winter coming on, there would come a point when ranches wouldn\u2019t be looking for hands, so the likelihood was that he\u2019d need to find work in a town.\u00a0 A livery stable, maybe.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t like there was a whole lot of other work he knew how to do.<\/p>\n

The other matter that was starting to become more prominent was the increasing ache in his back.\u00a0 He\u2019d been fortunate so far, but if his back went out on him, he\u2019d do well to be near somebody who could lend a hand.\u00a0 One night, as he poked at the campfire, he found himself thinking about how Pa and his brothers had taken care of him that time he\u2019d been supposed to meet Carrie and his back had flared up.\u00a0 He\u2019d been so convinced that he\u2019d never see her again after that.\u00a0 If Ruth Gillam had had her way, Carrie would have been on the next stagecoach out of Virginia City rather than ever seeing Joe Cartwright again.\u00a0 But she\u2019d forgiven him, and he\u2019d known then that he\u2019d do anything in the world to keep from hurting her again.<\/p>\n

But he had hurt her.\u00a0 He\u2019d hurt her so badly that she\u2019d\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d he shouted.\u00a0 He dropped his head into his hands.\u00a0 No matter what, it kept coming back to him.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t outrun it.\u00a0 Here he was, out in the middle of God only knew where, without another living soul for miles, and the vision of Carrie in that bathtub danced before him like he\u2019d seen it just that morning.<\/p>\n

Almost idly, he fingered his gun.\u00a0 Maybe he\u2019d been wrong all this time.\u00a0 Maybe she hadn\u2019t done it out of anger or revenge, the way he\u2019d sometimes thought.\u00a0 Maybe she\u2019d just wanted to stop hurting.\u00a0 He drew out his gun and felt its familiar heft as he wondered.\u00a0 Maybe she\u2019d been right.\u00a0 Maybe there was no other way to make the pain stop.<\/p>\n

He traced the barrel with his finger, feeling the smoothness of the opening.\u00a0 It would fit in his mouth.\u00a0 The metal was colder than he\u2019d have expected, considering that the gun had been in his holster all day.\u00a0 He started to turn the gun so that he could look down its barrel, but he could almost hear his father and brothers shouting at him to be careful, and he set the gun down, shaken by the vividness of their voices.\u00a0 Then, defiantly, he turned the gun and stared into the small black hole that could deliver a bullet into his brain and end forever the agony of living.<\/p>\n

He could do it.\u00a0 He could die out here in the snow.\u00a0 One last movement\u2014squeezing the trigger\u2014and he could be done with it all.\u00a0 His body would rot, and by spring, there would be nothing more than a skeleton.\u00a0 He could throw his wallet on the fire and turn Cochise loose, and nobody would ever know what he\u2019d done.\u00a0 The man who drove his wife to suicide would be gone, their shared pain ended.<\/p>\n

But even as he considered the relief of oblivion, a bizarre logic intruded.\u00a0 Carrie\u2019s decision had caused such horrific pain to all of them\u2014how could his do less to Pa and Adam and Hoss and Hop Sing?\u00a0 If they ever found out\u2014if his wallet didn\u2019t burn and someone found him . . . he closed his eyes.\u00a0 It would kill them all.\u00a0 And even if they didn\u2019t actually know what he\u2019d done\u2014if they only knew that he never came home\u2014they\u2019d suspect, and they\u2019d wonder, and they\u2019d blame themselves for letting him go off by himself.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t matter that it wasn\u2019t their fault.\u00a0 They\u2019d never forgive themselves.\u00a0 Because you just didn\u2019t.\u00a0 When someone you loved did something like this, it put forgiveness squarely out of bounds forever.<\/p>\n

Joe ran his finger around the opening of the gun.\u00a0 He\u2019d never really thought about how small the hole was that delivered death.\u00a0 A man couldn\u2019t even fit a finger inside. \u00a0And the bullet . . . a silly little nugget of lead that could have been used to make a pencil.\u00a0 You could probably write your name with it if you had to.\u00a0 Smaller than his thumb, and yet capable of killing, of destroying a family, of obliterating hopes and dreams while inflicting heartache the likes of which no one could imagine.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t even logical that something that miniscule could have such an enormous impact on a person\u2019s world.\u00a0 An instrumentality that could shatter lives that way should be massive, like a cannonball.\u00a0 For such a tiny little bit of lead to wreak such havoc . . . utterly senseless, and terrifyingly true.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t realize he was still holding the gun until the snowflakes began to land on the silver-colored metal.\u00a0 He watched as the tiny white flurries landed and dissolved, leaving wet droplets behind.\u00a0 Then the droplets began to get bigger, because they weren\u2019t from snowflakes any more.\u00a0 The gun blurred.\u00a0 Slowly, ever so slowly, he set it down.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t do this.\u00a0 Not to his family.\u00a0 Not to himself.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t deserve such an easy release from his pain, any more than they deserved a lifetime of wondering what had happened.<\/p>\n

The snowflakes landed so lightly on his face that he wouldn\u2019t have known they were there except for the delicate kiss of cold they left.\u00a0 He looked up, and they fell straight down around him, into his eyes.\u00a0 He opened his mouth the way he had as a boy, and he felt the tiny flakes floating onto his lips and tongue.\u00a0 For a long time, he sat motionless, hot tears trickling out of the corners of his eyes, cooled by the gentle caress of snow.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

“It’s been almost two months,” said Hoss.\u00a0 “That’s too long.\u00a0 Somebody oughta go after him.”<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, relax,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cJoe can take care of himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut he ain\u2019t himself now,\u201d said Hoss.\u00a0 \u201cTwo months with no word?\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell me you ain\u2019t worried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d never say that,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cI might say I wasn\u2019t worried, but I\u2019d never say I \u2018ain\u2019t\u2019 worried\u2014ooof!\u201d\u00a0 The sack of grain his brother tossed to him for that comment nearly knocked him off his feet.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeriously, Adam,\u201d said Hoss, his grin fading.\u00a0 \u201cI think we oughta go after him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss, we\u2019re not going anywhere,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cJoe needs time to himself, and we\u2019re going to respect that, even if it\u2019s hard for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2014Christmas is comin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019 blue eyes were distraught.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s gonna be hard enough without Carrie, but I can\u2019t imagine how Pa\u2019s gonna manage if Joe ain\u2019t here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll manage the same way you and I will,\u201d Adam said quietly.\u00a0 \u201cBy knowing that we\u2019re giving Joe the one thing he really wants right now\u2014a chance to heal.\u201d\u00a0 He hoisted the sack of grain, piling it on the stack in the corner.\u00a0 \u201cI know how you feel,\u201d he added.\u00a0 \u201cAs much as the kid drives me crazy, I miss him, too.\u00a0 It\u2019s not going to seem like Christmas without him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t even know where to send a present,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen we\u2019ll just hold his presents until he gets home,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou reckon he\u2019s gonna come back?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam straightened the sack on top of the pile.\u00a0 When he couldn\u2019t fuss with it any more, he turned to his brother and said the words they both dreaded.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Part Three<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, cowboy, you want to buy me a drink?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Joe squinted up at the shiny blue bosom that hovered just above eye level.\u00a0 Above it, nearly blocked by the abundance of woman that filled his view, was a mass of light-colored curls.<\/p>\n

“Sure,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

A second later, or so it seemed, she was seated close to him and was reaching for his bottle.\u00a0 His hand clamped on her wrist.\u00a0 \u201cGet your own,\u201d he growled.<\/p>\n

The woman shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cFrank!\u00a0 Another bottle!\u201d\u00a0 Her voice grated, and he winced.<\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t have said how long they sat there, but at some point, he felt himself being led by the hand up a flight of stairs.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a cute one,\u201d the woman was giggling as she closed the door to a small room with a large bed.\u00a0 Joe tried to find the words to protest, but she was taking off his jacket and he didn\u2019t seem to know how to stop her.<\/p>\n

As she reached for his trousers, he grabbed her wrist.\u00a0 \u201cNo,\u201d he said as distinctly as he could.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you worry,\u201d she said in a voice that was probably supposed to be soothing and seductive.\u00a0 \u201cPolly\u2019s gonna take care of you just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said \u2018no\u2019!\u201d\u00a0 He shoved, and she fell back onto the bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, wait a minute\u2014\u201d\u00a0 She started to get up, and he shoved her again, shouting, \u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0 He found his jacket and gunbelt and bolted from the room, ignoring her shouts of \u201cGet back here!\u00a0 You mama\u2019s boy, you!\u201d as he stumbled down the stairs.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey!\u00a0 You didn\u2019t pay for that bottle!\u201d called the bartender as Joe shoved chairs out of the way to get to the door.\u00a0 \u201cHey!\u00a0 Get back here!\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nearly fell through the batwing doors, and somebody grabbed his arm.\u00a0 \u201cLemme go!\u201d he snarled.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake it easy, stranger,\u201d said a man in an infuriatingly calm, deep voice.\u00a0 Joe swung at him, but he caught Joe\u2019s arm neatly.\u00a0 \u201cAll right, you\u2019re coming with me,\u201d the man said.\u00a0 Joe struggled to get loose, but the man seemed unimpressed.<\/p>\n

Moments later, he shoved Joe into a cell and clanged the bars shut behind him.\u00a0 \u201cYou stay there until you sober up,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Joe tried to protest, but the cell was spinning, and he flopped down on the rickety cot and let the all-too-familiar feelings overwhelm him.<\/p>\n

The next morning, he was awakened by the smell of coffee.\u00a0 He opened his eyes a crack; then, his eyes widened with surprise.\u00a0 A dented tin coffeepot and an equally dented tin cup sat on a stool by the wall.\u00a0 It was cold as hell in here, and the moth-eaten blanket over him was doing little to dispel the chill.\u00a0 Maybe the coffee would help.\u00a0 He lifted his head, the room spun, and he dropped back, groaning.<\/p>\n

The next time he opened his eyes, sunlight was streaming in through the tiny barred window.\u00a0 His head pounded, and he made good use of the slop bucket in the corner.\u00a0 Then, he groped his way over to the coffee pot.\u00a0 It was barely warm by now, but he didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 He poured a cup and drained it, and he poured another.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re alive,\u201d came a voice.\u00a0 He snapped around to see a woman standing by the bars.\u00a0 Her bright red hair seemed an odd contrast to her simple white blouse, dark skirt, and woolen shawl.\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t have been surprised to see hair that color in a saloon.<\/p>\n

She seemed to be waiting for him to speak, so he nodded.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d he said, holding up the coffee cup.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know why, but he figured she was responsible for it.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should be more careful,\u201d she said almost lazily.\u00a0 \u201cPolly doesn\u2019t like men who tell her \u2018no.\u2019\u00a0 You\u2019re lucky she didn\u2019t shoot you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d\u00a0 Nothing she was saying made sense.<\/p>\n

She chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cYou remember anything about last night?\u201d<\/p>\n

He squinted.\u00a0 \u201cShould I?\u201d<\/p>\n

She shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cNothing worth remembering, except that maybe you shouldn\u2019t drink so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for the advice.\u201d\u00a0 He meant to close the subject, but she didn\u2019t seem to get the hint.<\/p>\n

\u201cI saw you last night,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

He considered her statement as he poured out the last of the coffee into his cup.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t even sure how long he\u2019d been in this town, much less why.\u00a0 He had vague memories of the name sounding familiar, but he couldn\u2019t recall it at the moment.\u00a0 So, he just grunted and put down the cup.\u00a0 \u201cHow do I get out of here?\u00a0 I\u2019ve got money for bail.\u201d<\/p>\n

She smiled then.\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t do anything,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cSheriff locked you up for safekeeping after you took a swing at him.\u00a0 Anybody\u2019d take a swing at our sheriff is too drunk to be allowed to run around loose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u00a0 Who\u2019s your sheriff?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRuss Mottolese.\u201d\u00a0 When Joe didn\u2019t respond, she said, \u201cAbout six-foot-five and three hundred pounds.\u00a0 Fastest gun in the Dakotas.\u00a0 Nobody messes with him.\u00a0 Especially not drunken fellows he could probably fit in his pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe grunted.\u00a0 \u201cI grew up with a brother who fits that description,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cYour sheriff ain\u2019t got nothing I haven\u2019t seen and whupped a dozen times.\u201d\u00a0 It was only half-true, of course, but he was pleased to see her eyes widen in surprise.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you doing here, anyway?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you care?\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019d expected her to get insulted and leave in a huff, but instead, she laughed.\u00a0 \u201cFeisty, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRude is more like it,\u201d came a familiar deep voice.\u00a0 \u201cYou need me to teach you some manners, boy?\u201d\u00a0 The sheriff sauntered in, and Joe had to work to keep his face from showing any reaction.\u00a0 This fellow was bigger than Hoss and lacked the middle Cartwright\u2019s genial smile.\u00a0 Until that instant, Joe had never quite realized how much he relied on his knowledge of Hoss\u2019s gentle nature to keep him from being pummeled into the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou going to let me out?\u00a0 Lady tells me I didn\u2019t do anything to be locked up for.\u201d\u00a0 Joe hid his satisfaction as the woman looked up at the sheriff guiltily and the big man\u2019s mouth tightened ever so slightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI told him he took a swing at you,\u201d she pointed out, and the sheriff nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cAssaulting an officer of the law, public drunkenness, theft\u2014I could keep you here for thirty days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTheft?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t steal anything!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrank over at the saloon says you didn\u2019t pay for a bottle of whiskey.\u201d\u00a0 The sheriff sounded satisfied.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that why you locked me up?\u201d Joe demanded.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got the money.\u00a0 I\u2019ll pay him right now if you let me out.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sheriff regarded him.\u00a0 \u201cI let you out, you better be heading out of this town,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u00a0 Is it against the law to drink in a saloon here?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cBut I been a lawman for twenty-seven years, and I know trouble when I see it.\u00a0 You\u2019re looking for a fight, and you ain\u2019t gonna get it here.\u00a0 Now, I\u2019m gonna let you out, you\u2019ll give me the money for Frank, and you\u2019ll ride out and that\u2019ll be the last time the town of Bushnell Flats ever lays eyes on you again.\u00a0 You understand?\u201d<\/p>\n

For a second, the name didn\u2019t register.\u00a0 Then, it slammed into him like an iron fist.\u00a0 He closed his eyes as nausea welled up.\u00a0\u00a0Bushnell Flats.<\/em>\u00a0Of all the places in the world, why had he come here?\u00a0 Was it just happenstance, or had something directed him here?\u00a0 For the love of God, why?\u00a0 What could he have hoped to find in this town?\u00a0 What kind of answers could they possibly have?\u00a0 His breathing grew rough.\u00a0 Dimly, he heard the sheriff asking something, but he stumbled over to the slop pail and heaved up all the coffee he\u2019d drunk.\u00a0 Shaking, he leaned against the chilly, rough wall.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t heard the key scraping in the lock, but he felt a hand on his arm.\u00a0 \u201cYou okay, fellow?\u201d the sheriff asked.<\/p>\n

Go away,<\/em>\u00a0he begged silently.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t fall apart.\u00a0 Not here, in her town.\u00a0 Not in front of people who might have known her.<\/p>\n

\u201cShould I get the doctor?\u201d the woman asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo need,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cI reckon last night\u2019s still catching up with him.\u201d\u00a0 But the hand on his arm told Joe that the sheriff knew that something else was going on.\u00a0 \u201cHow about fetching some more coffee and maybe some biscuits?\u201d\u00a0 After a minute, the sheriff said in a low voice, \u201cShe\u2019s gone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cShould I be sending for the doc?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head slightly.\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 He would have thanked him for the offer, but he was scared to move for fear a flood of tears could break out.<\/p>\n

After a long minute, the sheriff let go of him.\u00a0 \u201cYou can sleep it off here if you want,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut if I need this cell, you\u2019ll have to get out.\u201d\u00a0 Joe nodded to show he\u2019d heard, and what sounded like Hoss\u2019s size sixteen boots clicked against the stone floor as the sheriff left the cell.<\/p>\n

It was dark when Joe awoke again.\u00a0 His stomach pitched as if he were on a ship in rough waters.\u00a0 Vaguely, he recalled a bucket somewhere.\u00a0 He swung his legs over the side of the cot, and his boot kicked over something that rattled against the floor.\u00a0 The bucket, mercifully emptied after his last use.\u00a0 He used it again, and then he sat back, beyond exhausted.<\/p>\n

Bushnell Flats.<\/em>\u00a0 How the hell had he ended up here?\u00a0 Hot tingling in his face warned of impending tears.\u00a0 God in heaven, would the thought of her ever bring up any other reaction?\u00a0 He dropped his head into his hands, fighting back the tears and failing.<\/p>\n

Finally, he straightened.\u00a0 He squinted, but there was no sign of a water pitcher.\u00a0 Of course not.\u00a0 This was a jail, not a hotel.\u00a0 He rubbed at his face, trying to obliterate the signs of tears.<\/p>\n

The door separating the cell from the outer office creaked open, and a bar of light fell into the cell.\u00a0 Before Joe could think what to do, the sheriff came in, his massive silhouette blocking most of the light.\u00a0 Joe couldn\u2019t see his face, but somehow, he sensed that something had changed since that morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou got a place to stay?\u201d the sheriff asked when Joe said nothing.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou told me to get out of town.\u201d\u00a0 His voice still sounded ragged.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cYou figuring to leave now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo I have a choice?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe could feel the large black shape assessing him the way Adam sometimes did when he was trying to make up his mind.\u00a0 \u201cYeah,\u201d said the sheriff finally.\u00a0 \u201cAs long as you stay away from the saloon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted.\u00a0 \u201cYou sound like my pa.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe your pa\u2019s a wise man,\u201d the sheriff observed.\u00a0 \u201cYou make a lousy drunk.\u00a0 Maybe he\u2019d like to see you stay alive a little longer.\u201d<\/p>\n

All at once, the conversation seemed exhausting and pointless.\u00a0 \u201cIs there a hotel in town?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot anymore,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cBurned down two weeks ago.\u00a0 Couple of drunks got into a fight.\u00a0 Three people died.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSorry to hear it,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 He meant about the dead people, but as the words came out, he realized the sheriff might have thought he just meant he was sorry to hear that there was no hotel.\u00a0 He tried to think how to explain, but the sheriff was already past that.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got a barn,\u201d he was saying.\u00a0 \u201cYou can bed down there if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n

The unexpected offer felt like a gift.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cAppreciate it.\u201d\u00a0 He rose and looked around in the dim light for his jacket and gunbelt.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour things are in the office,\u201d said the sheriff.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks,\u201d Joe said again.\u00a0 The sheriff turned and led the way out of the cell, and Joe blinked in the lamplight.\u00a0 \u201cWhat time is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlmost seven,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 He handed Joe his jacket and gunbelt.\u00a0 \u201cMy wife\u2019s got some stew left from supper.\u00a0 You\u2019re welcome to it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d\u00a0 It felt like the only thing he knew how to say.\u00a0 He wanted to ask why the sheriff was being so nice, but he was half-afraid to question it for fear he\u2019d end up riding out of town into the cold dark night with an empty belly and no answers.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll take you down there,\u201d the sheriff said.\u00a0 \u201cThen, I gotta get back.\u00a0 Deputy\u2019s out of town, so I gotta make sure everything\u2019s settled down for the night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing looked familiar as he trailed after the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cCan we stop at the livery stable?\u201d he asked.\u00a0 \u201cI think my saddlebags might still be there.\u201d\u00a0 The sheriff just grunted, but half a block later, he stopped and gestured toward a barn door.\u00a0 In the low light, Joe was able to see his pinto\u2019s distinctive coat, and he allowed himself a moment of relief that whatever else he\u2019d done, he\u2019d made sure his horse had been well cared for.\u00a0 His saddlebags were draped over the divider between Cochise\u2019s stall and the next one, and the bedroll was sticking out of one of the bags.\u00a0 He peered inside the bags, but everything seemed to be as he\u2019d left it.\u00a0 Slinging them over his shoulder and tucking his bedroll under his arm, he rejoined the sheriff, and they continued to a modest house on the edge of town.<\/p>\n

\u201cBarn\u2019s back there,\u201d said the sheriff, gesturing toward an unlit area behind the house.\u00a0 \u201cYou can eat in the house.\u201d\u00a0 He opened the door and called, \u201cEdie!\u00a0 We\u2019re here!\u201d<\/p>\n

The red-haired woman appeared in the doorway.\u00a0 Joe wasn\u2019t certain what surprised him more\u2014the fact that she was there or the way she was dressed.\u00a0 She wore a low-necked shiny green dress with black lace, and a white flower was pinned in her hair.\u00a0 Definitely saloon-girl clothes, and he\u2019d have bet anything he\u2019d never see them on a sheriff\u2019s wife.<\/p>\n

\u201cStew\u2019s on the stove,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m late for work.\u00a0 Do you have time to show him where everything is?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot that much to show,\u201d said the sheriff, but there was a smile in his voice.<\/p>\n

She smiled, too.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll see you in the morning, Mister. . . .\u201d\u00a0 Her voice trailed off, inviting him to fill in the blank.<\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright,\u201d Joe supplied.\u00a0 \u201cJoe Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

She held out her hand.\u00a0 \u201cEdie Mottolese.\u00a0 You\u2019ve met my husband, Russ.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPleasure, ma\u2019am,\u201d said Joe, taking her hand.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I thank you both for putting me up.\u201d\u00a0 He was half-tempted to ask why, but he was tired and hungry and knew better than to press his luck.\u00a0 A quick look passed between Edie and the sheriff that Joe didn\u2019t understand, but his stomach tightened.<\/p>\n

Something about this situation wasn\u2019t a coincidence.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be ridiculous<\/em>, he told himself firmly.\u00a0 They weren\u2019t doing any more than the Cartwrights had done for strays and strangers dozens of times.\u00a0 His pa couldn\u2019t have been the only man on earth who believed in tending to those who\u2019d gotten themselves in some sort of difficulty.<\/p>\n

Mottolese dished up stew and set the bowl on the long table.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s more in the pot if you want,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cPump\u2019s out back if you want to clean up.\u00a0 That\u2019s for you to use,\u201d he added, gesturing toward a table next to the back door that bore a folded blanket and a towel.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is mighty nice of you,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cYou always this nice to strangers?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mottolese looked him up and down.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll be back later,\u201d he said, and was gone before Joe could answer.<\/p>\n

The stew was rich and savory.\u00a0 It was the best thing he\u2019d tasted since his last meal at home.\u00a0 At the thought, his throat got tight, and he laid down his fork.\u00a0 He\u2019d been gone a long time, but he didn\u2019t know how long.\u00a0 Weeks, months\u2014he didn\u2019t know, and it wouldn\u2019t have made a difference anyway.<\/p>\n

He scraped the bowl clean and debated having more.\u00a0 Deciding to wait, he sat back in the chair and looked around the room.\u00a0 A simple home, but there was something about it that felt familiar.\u00a0 The curtains, he decided.\u00a0 They reminded him of the ones Carrie had made, except that these were blue instead of yellow.\u00a0 She\u2019d been so happy to find that yellow fabric.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019ll look like sunshine even when it\u2019s raining outside,\u201d she\u2019d said, and he\u2019d just grinned at how happy she was about such a simple thing.<\/p>\n

Joe got up and looked more closely at the curtains.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t really paid that much attention to the details, but he remembered how Carrie had sewed a ribbon border around them and how she\u2019d worked so hard to make it exactly an inch from every edge.\u00a0 These curtains had exactly the same kind of ribbon border, and if he\u2019d had to guess, he\u2019d have said that it was an inch as well.\u00a0 Must be the kind of thing girls in this town learned, he supposed.<\/p>\n

He stood in the kitchen, considering.\u00a0 Was it possible that Mottolese and his wife had known Carrie?\u00a0 His best guess put them twenty-five years his senior, but it was possible they\u2019d known her when she was a little girl.\u00a0 Then again, they could have come to town after Carrie left.\u00a0 He should ask how long they\u2019d been here.\u00a0 But what if they asked how he knew her, or how she was?\u00a0 What could he tell them?<\/p>\n

Finally, he took his bowl and fork out back and rinsed them in the freezing water at the pump.\u00a0 Hop Sing would have been astounded to see such a thing, but Joe figured his father would have approved.\u00a0 He used his towel to dry the wet items and set them on the shelf with the other dishes.\u00a0 He thought briefly of strolling back down the street to the saloon, but he knew that Mottolese wouldn\u2019t approve and so it seemed disrespectful to his host.\u00a0 Tomorrow, he\u2019d leave, and then he wouldn\u2019t have to worry about things like that any more.<\/p>\n

Except that he didn\u2019t leave the next day.\u00a0 When Joe awoke, he heard wind whistling outside, and he looked out to see wet, heavy snow falling.\u00a0 He cursed softly, but he had to admit that it could have been worse.\u00a0 He could have been out on the trail somewhere.\u00a0 At least here, he had a roof over his head.\u00a0 It could definitely have been worse.\u00a0 He looked around for a milk pail, and when he found it, he settled himself on the stool in the sole occupied stall and milked the cow.\u00a0 \u201cSorry, Bessie,\u201d he said when she mooed.\u00a0 \u201cGuess I\u2019m out of practice.\u201d\u00a0 When he was finished, he tossed some hay into her stall.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re going out today,\u201d he said, and she mooed again.<\/p>\n

Joe had just rolled up his bedroll when Mottolese appeared in the doorway.\u00a0 \u201cBreakfast is ready,\u201d he announced.\u00a0 The big man reached for the pitchfork and paused at the sight of the milk pail.\u00a0 Joe waited for him to say something, but he regarded Joe as though confirming something he\u2019d suspected.\u00a0 Then, he bent down, picked up the pail and headed back to the house, leaving Joe to follow.<\/p>\n

Breakfast was simple, but plentiful.\u00a0 Joe felt an unexpected pang of homesickness as he watched the sheriff shovel eggs and ham onto his plate; it was like watching Hoss.\u00a0 Edie looked tired, but she smiled at Joe as she poured coffee into his cup.\u00a0 \u201cYou sleep well?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike a log,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 \u201cI appreciate your hospitality.\u00a0 That stew last night was good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad you liked it,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cOld family recipe.\u201d\u00a0 Her smile faded for an instant.\u00a0 Then, she addressed her husband.\u00a0 \u201cWhen does Cutler get back?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mottolese shrugged. \u00a0\u201cA week, maybe.\u00a0 Depends on the weather.\u201d\u00a0 He turned to Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI could use a hand while my deputy\u2019s gone, if you\u2019re interested.\u00a0 Fifty cents a day, plus room and board.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe took a bite of toast to cover his confusion.\u00a0 Yesterday, he\u2019d been locked up in the jail, and today, the sheriff was offering him a job and a place to live.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make sense.\u00a0 \u201cYou trust me that much?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny reason I shouldn\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but\u2014I guess I\u2019m surprised.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know me from Moses.\u201d\u00a0 Joe set down his fork.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like I told you yesterday,\u201d said Mottolese.\u00a0 \u201cI been a lawman for twenty-seven years.\u00a0 I can spot trouble at fifty paces.\u00a0 When you\u2019re not drinking, you\u2019re not trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mottolese shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cI know the name Cartwright.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know my pa?\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t recall Pa ever mentioning Bushnell Flats or anybody named Mottolese.<\/p>\n

\u201cDidn\u2019t say that,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 He shoved back his chair and got to his feet.\u00a0 \u201cYou want a job, let\u2019s get going.\u00a0 You want to leave, just try to not freeze to death.\u00a0 Your choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStay with us,\u201d Edie said unexpectedly.\u00a0 \u201cRuss could use the help while his deputy\u2019s gone.\u00a0 Besides, it\u2019s almost Christmas.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to be wandering around on your own on Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

Christmas without Carrie, without his family.\u00a0 He pretended to drink from his empty coffee cup to cover the sudden rush of emotion that flooded through him.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe he doesn\u2019t care about Christmas,\u201d said the sheriff.\u00a0 \u201cAnyway, Cutler\u2019ll be back before then.\u201d\u00a0 Joe felt the sheriff\u2019s eyes on him, and he forced himself to set down the cup and look up, meeting his gaze squarely.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d he nodded, rising.\u00a0 \u201cThanks for breakfast, ma\u2019am.\u201d\u00a0 He ducked out the door to the barn, adding, \u201cMy gunbelt\u2019s in the barn.\u201d\u00a0 He didn\u2019t wait for an answer.<\/p>\n

***********<\/p>\n

By the time they reached the jail, several inches of snow covered the board sidewalks.\u00a0 \u201cLooks like a bad one,\u201d said Mottolese.\u00a0 He surveyed the streets with a proprietary air.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t expect much trouble, but cover that end of town and keep an eye out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t I need a badge?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

The sheriff grunted and opened the door to the office.\u00a0 \u201cRaise your right hand,\u201d he intoned.\u00a0 When Joe did so, the sheriff administered a quick oath, fished in his top drawer, and tossed Joe a tin star.\u00a0 \u201cNow, get to work,\u201d he added.\u00a0 Joe found himself grinning as he pinned the star on his jacket and headed back outside where the snow had already filled in his tracks.<\/p>\n

By lunchtime, he was half-frozen.\u00a0 He\u2019d been up and down every street in that end of Bushnell Flats, and everything was quiet.\u00a0 He walked slowly, looking at every house to see whether he might somehow be able to tell whether it had been Carrie\u2019s.\u00a0 He knew she hadn\u2019t grown up in one of the fancy houses; in fact, when she saw their house for the first time, she was so excited that she threw her arms around him and proclaimed it the most wonderful house she\u2019d ever lived in.\u00a0 Tears pricked his eyes as he remembered, but the wind and the snow hid them.<\/p>\n

When he finally returned to the sheriff\u2019s office, wet footprints told him that Mottolese had already been there.\u00a0 He peeked into the cell area, but there was no sign that anybody had been there since he left yesterday.\u00a0 He wondered whether he should go down to the house for lunch; just as he decided against it, he saw a piece of paper with feminine handwriting lying on the desk.<\/p>\n

Come home.\u00a0 Lunch is ready.<\/em><\/p>\n

Edie<\/em><\/p>\n

The neat, controlled script gave him a jolt:\u00a0 he could almost imagine that Carrie had written it.\u00a0 Maybe he shouldn\u2019t stay in this town after all.\u00a0 Everywhere he turned, he was reminded of something about her.<\/p>\n

The office door opened, and Mottolese came in, covered in snow.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re back,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny problems?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u00a0 Looks like everybody\u2019s staying home.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sheriff nodded.\u00a0 \u201cWe should do the same.\u00a0 It\u2019s getting bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShouldn\u2019t one of us stay here?\u201d\u00a0 Leaving the sheriff\u2019s office empty seemed an odd choice.<\/p>\n

\u201cEverybody knows where I live,\u201d Mottolese said.\u00a0 \u201cBesides, you saw what this town\u2019s like today.\u00a0 Snow gets worse, it\u2019s just going to get quieter.\u201d\u00a0 He chuckled at his own joke.\u00a0 \u201cCome on.\u00a0 Edie\u2019s got lunch ready.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a lucky man,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019s a good woman.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sheriff nodded.\u00a0 \u201cBest there ever was,\u201d he agreed.\u00a0 His eyes darkened as though remembering something, and then he said, \u201cLet\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n

Three days passed before the snow ended.\u00a0 At Edie\u2019s insistence, Joe had brought his things into the house, bedding down in a small room where curtains with tiny flowers hung at the windows, framing the falling snow, and the coverlet on the bed matched the blue flowers.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019ll freeze out there,\u201d she insisted, addressing her husband as though Joe wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 \u201cAnd it\u2019s not like he can start a campfire in a barn full of hay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to put you out,\u201d Joe began, but the sheriff rolled his eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I don\u2019t want to have to wire your pa that you froze to death in my barn,\u201d Mottolese retorted.\u00a0 \u201cSo get your gear in here.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, the three of them spent the snowstorm peacefully.\u00a0 Joe insisted on shoveling a path to the barn and tending the cow and chickens, as well as hauling in firewood and pans of snow to melt on the stove.\u00a0 Edie read aloud from\u00a0The Old Curiosity Shop<\/em>; when she suggested that she read\u00a0A Christmas Carol<\/em>, Mottolese simply shook his head and frowned, and the topic was closed.\u00a0 Mottolese and Joe played checkers, and it reminded Joe so much of playing with Hoss that occasional waves of homesickness washed over him.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you going to wire your family?\u201d Edie asked one night.<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u00a0 Why?\u201d\u00a0 Joe had been concentrating on which piece to move.\u00a0 He looked up, and Mottolese jumped his king.<\/p>\n

\u201cChristmas is the day after tomorrow,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you think it would be nice to send them Christmas greetings?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI hadn\u2019t really thought about it,\u201d said Joe honestly.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t occurred to him to send anything for Christmas.\u00a0 Not a gift, not a letter, nothing.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been in touch with them in weeks.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t know where he was, or if he was even alive.<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t that just like a man?\u201d Edie asked, clearly not expecting an answer.\u00a0 \u201cIf I didn\u2019t remind Russ of holidays and birthdays and such, he\u2019d likely work every day of his life!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do anyway,\u201d said Mottolese.\u00a0 \u201cKing me.\u201d<\/p>\n

A thought popped into Joe\u2019s head.\u00a0 Before he could stop himself, he asked, \u201cDo you have any family around here?\u201d<\/p>\n

The only sounds were the crackling of the fire and the whoosh of the wind.\u00a0 Finally, Mottolese said, \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 His voice was so tight that Joe turned to look at Edie, only to find that her head was bent over her book.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he said softly.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to\u2014I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d said Edie, not lifting her head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have asked.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 He, of all people, should have known not to inquire about those who weren\u2019t there, who hadn\u2019t been mentioned.<\/p>\n

Later, Mottolese said suddenly, \u201cEdie had two brothers, but they\u2019re gone now.\u00a0 We\u2019d always hoped to have kids, but that didn\u2019t work out.\u00a0 We did have\u2014well, she wasn\u2019t really ours, but she was with us for a long time, and she felt like ours.\u00a0 But none of our own.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what that\u2019s like.\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t think he\u2019d spoken loudly enough to be heard, but Mottolese gave him a long, searching look.\u00a0 When Joe offered no more information, Mottolese said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what your circumstances are, but if you\u2019re of a mind to send your family Christmas greetings, it would make Edie happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen I\u2019ll send a wire,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 It was the least he could do for the woman who had done so much for him.<\/p>\n

That night, as he lay on the narrow cot in the room with flowered curtains, he found himself thinking about this odd couple.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t quite make out how Mottolese let his wife work as a saloon girl.\u00a0 Besides the obvious fact that a sheriff made enough to support the two of them, Joe would have expected that the last thing any man would want his wife to be would be a saloon girl.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make even a little bit of sense, but after the debacle of his last question, Joe wasn\u2019t about to ask.<\/p>\n

Christmas Eve dawned bright and clear.\u00a0 Snow drifted halfway up the windows, but the path Joe had faithfully shoveled to the barn several times a day remained quite accessible.\u00a0 He and Mottolese bundled up in their warmest clothes and trudged outside to see how the town had fared, and Joe found himself struggling to keep up as he practically jumped from one of the sheriff\u2019s bootprints to the next.\u00a0 It was a good thing he hadn\u2019t been on his own, or that town wouldn\u2019t have seen a sheriff until the spring thaw.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s the telegraph office?\u201d Joe asked as he got the stove going to warm the sheriff\u2019s office.<\/p>\n

\u201cThree doors down,\u201d said Mottolese.\u00a0 \u201cYou might want to give old Winston an hour or so to get in and get settled, though.\u00a0 If the storm didn\u2019t knock down the wires, he\u2019ll have a lot of catching up to do.\u201d\u00a0 He gestured to the desk.\u00a0 \u201cYou want to write it out, help yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about you?\u201d Joe asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a town to check,\u201d said Mottolese.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll come with you,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI can send the wire later.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mottolese shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cSuit yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Two hours later, when they\u2019d tramped through seemingly miles of snow and confirmed that nobody had suffered unduly, Joe made his way to the telegraph office.\u00a0 Winston was a little round fellow with a red-gray fringe of hair around circling the back of his head from ear to ear.\u00a0 His teeth were stained and uneven, but his smile was friendly enough until Joe handed over the wire.\u00a0 Then, his smile faded and he looked up at Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright?\u201d\u00a0 He sounded almost stunned.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that\u2019s right.\u00a0 Something wrong?\u201d\u00a0 The challenge in Joe\u2019s voice was unmistakable.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no, nothing wrong,\u201d said the little man hastily.\u00a0 \u201cYou want this sent now?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAs soon as you can,\u201d said Joe, relenting.\u00a0 \u201cHow much is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTwenty-five cents,\u201d said Winston.\u00a0 He still sounded nervous, as though Joe was some sort of outlaw instead of a duly sworn deputy, but he took the coins and promised to send the wire immediately.<\/p>\n

Leaving, Joe paused in the doorway.\u00a0 He ought to get something for Edie and Russ for being so good to him.\u00a0 He headed over to the mercantile where he selected a soft blue shawl for Edie and a fancy checkers set for Russ.\u00a0 He wished he\u2019d thought about Christmas in time to send gifts to his family, but the fact was that if it hadn\u2019t been for the Mottoleses, he wouldn\u2019t have given the day a thought.\u00a0 If only there were a way to disappear without upsetting Edie.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t have said why it was important to him to make her happy, but it was.\u00a0 Maybe because she\u2019d been so kind to him, even back before she knew him.<\/p>\n

As he headed back to the sheriff\u2019s office, the wind picked up.\u00a0 He bent his head forward, his packages tight against him, and traipsed through the snow.\u00a0 Just as he reached the door, though, a snippet of memory flashed through his mind. . . .<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m home!\u201d he sang out.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m in here!\u201d Carrie called from the bedroom.\u00a0 Joe hustled across the floor, not even bothering to take off his coat, but when he pushed open the door, she was fully dressed and the bed was covered with gifts.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we should give your father the vest as well as the brandy,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

From behind her, Joe wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck.\u00a0 \u201cI think we should clear all this off the bed,\u201d he said, kissing her again.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cJoe!\u201d she giggled.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re due at your father\u2019s in two hours, and I haven\u2019t even finished wrapping all the gifts!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m more interested in what I get to unwrap,\u201d he said, running his hands along her trim middle and up to caress her breasts.\u00a0 Her breathing got faster, and he felt himself responding.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, we can\u2019t,\u201d she said after a minute.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t be late on Christmas Eve.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll help you wrap everything afterward.\u201d\u00a0 He licked her ear, and he felt her shudder with pleasure.<\/em><\/p>\n

She turned in his arms and kissed him, long and deep.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s just a taste of what you\u2019ll get when we get home,\u201d she promised.\u00a0 \u201cBut we can\u2019t be late.\u00a0 Not for Christmas Eve.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe sighed.\u00a0 She was right, but sometimes, he wished she could be more spontaneous.\u00a0 So what if they were a little bit late?\u00a0 But she would be mortified if his family figured out that they were late because they\u2019d been making love.\u00a0 Not that Adam and Hoss would ever say anything to her.\u00a0 Of course, they weren\u2019t above making a few whispered remarks to him.\u00a0 Not that he cared.\u00a0 He had the most wonderful woman in the world in his bed, in his life, in his heart.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t matter what anybody said.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAll right,\u201d he said, releasing her.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go play Santa.\u201d\u00a0 He dropped his coat on the chair and rested his hand on her back as she bent over the gifts.\u00a0 Surely, next year there would be gifts for their baby as well.\u00a0 It would be the best Christmas ever. . . .<\/em><\/p>\n

Three hours later, Mottolese stomped into the saloon.\u00a0 \u201cI should have known,\u201d he said, disgusted.<\/p>\n

Joe looked up at him.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t know anything.\u201d\u00a0 Deliberately, he poured another drink and swallowed it in a single gulp.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne thing I said, that was all.\u00a0 Stay out of the saloon.\u00a0 And you couldn\u2019t do it.\u201d\u00a0 The big man spat on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never said I was any good.\u201d\u00a0 Even Joe could hear his voice wobbling.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m the worst there is.\u201d\u00a0 He poured another and drank it.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019ll leave.\u00a0 Soon as I finish this, I\u2019ll get my stuff and go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike hell, you will,\u201d Mottolese snarled.\u00a0 \u201cEdie\u2019d never forgive me.\u00a0 Put that slop down, and let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not going anywhere,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m staying right here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t,\u201d said Mottolese.\u00a0 \u201cFrank\u2019s closing.\u00a0 It\u2019s Christmas Eve.\u00a0 You can either come home or get back in the jail, but you can\u2019t stay here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen lock me up.\u201d\u00a0 It would have been the best Christmas ever, except it couldn\u2019t have been because there could never have been a baby and now there was no Carrie because Joe had driven her to blow her brains out.\u00a0 He should just blow his own brains out\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cStop it, you damn fool!\u201d Mottolese shouted.\u00a0 He was holding Joe from behind, arms tight against his sides, and the bartender had a gun.<\/p>\n

Joe squinted.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s my gun.\u00a0 Give me my gun!\u201d\u00a0 What had just happened?<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d Mottolese told the bartender.\u00a0 To Joe, he said, \u201cI\u2019m locking you up until you\u2019re sober.\u00a0 Then, you\u2019re getting out of this town.\u00a0 Understand?\u201d<\/p>\n

But he didn\u2019t understand.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t understand how he\u2019d gone from sitting there, drinking, to being restrained and somebody taking his gun.\u00a0 Had he taken a shot at somebody?\u00a0 What happened?<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t matter.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been kidding.\u00a0 He was the worst person ever, and it served him right, spending Christmas Eve in a cold, lonely jail cell.\u00a0 He tried to grab the bottle, but Mottolese was holding him too tightly.<\/p>\n

He could barely stay upright as he struggled through the snow, across the street to the sheriff\u2019s office.\u00a0 As soon as they got in the door, Mottolese ripped the tin star off his jacket and flung him into the cell.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a disgrace,\u201d he spat as the door clanged shut.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know,\u201d Joe called after him.\u00a0 The outer door slammed. Joe groped in the darkness until he found the cot.\u00a0 He sank down on it, black despair closing over his head.<\/p>\n

***************<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did\u00a0what?<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 Edie\u2019s eyes were blazing.\u00a0 \u201cHow\u00a0could<\/em>\u00a0you?\u201d<\/p>\n

It probably would have looked funny to an outsider, the little redhead hollering at the six-foot-five sheriff.\u00a0 But after twenty-six years of marriage, Russ Mottolese knew better than to think about appearances.\u00a0 Edie might be small, but she was as tough as any man he\u2019d ever met.\u00a0 That was why he\u2019d agreed to let her keep on at the saloon after they were married.\u00a0 The girls who worked there needed looking after, and nobody looked after them better than Edie.\u00a0 She listened to their problems, tended their cuts and bruises when a fellow got too rough, and taught them how to protect themselves.\u00a0 She was the one who made sure there was a doctor to tend to whatever ailed them and a midwife when the inevitable happened.\u00a0 She kept an eye on Frank so that there would be no question of a girl not getting paid for everything she\u2019d earned.\u00a0 Edie might not have wanted this life for any daughter of hers, but she treated the girls who worked at the saloon like they were her own daughters, and God help anybody who messed with them.<\/p>\n

From the first, she\u2019d been taken with that Cartwright fellow.\u00a0 Of course, as soon as she found out his name, she\u2019d put the pieces together, and from there on, he was one of hers whether he knew it or not.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t going to say anything, though.\u00a0 She felt firmly that it was up to him to say something or not.\u00a0 It was pretty clear that something was eating him up, and Edie was sure it was more than just the obvious, but she wasn\u2019t going to be the one to speak up.\u00a0 If he wanted to keep his secret, she wasn\u2019t going to spoil that.<\/p>\n

Russ didn\u2019t want to tell her what had happened at the saloon, but he knew that if he didn\u2019t, somebody else would.\u00a0 \u201cHe was drinking on the job,\u201d he said.\u00a0 She raised one eyebrow in that way she had, and he gave in.\u00a0 \u201cIt looked like he was going for his gun.\u201d<\/p>\n

She frowned.\u00a0 \u201cHe was going to shoot somebody?\u201d<\/p>\n

He might as well tell her the rest.\u00a0 She\u2019d hear it from Frank anyway.\u00a0 \u201cHimself,\u201d Russ admitted.\u00a0 \u201cI think he was going to shoot himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u00a0 And you left him alone in that cell?\u201d\u00a0 Her voice was getting higher and higher.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s safe there,\u201d said Russ.\u00a0 \u201cNo weapon, no whiskey.\u00a0 He\u2019ll sleep it off, and then we can bring him back here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019ll be safe here, too,\u201d she insisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoney, no.\u201d\u00a0 Russ stroked her cheek.\u00a0 Still so soft, even after all these years.\u00a0 \u201cWhat if he gets more whiskey somewhere?\u00a0 What if he gets my gun?\u00a0 It\u2019s not safe.\u00a0 Not until he sobers up.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s Christmas,\u201d she protested.\u00a0 \u201cDo you really think he\u2019s going to be better in a cell at Christmas?\u00a0 Do you think he\u2019s going to feel less alone?\u00a0 Less like killing himself?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cProbably not,\u201d Russ said.\u00a0 \u201cBut at least he won\u2019t have a way to do it.\u00a0 That\u2019s something.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tears filled her eyes.\u00a0 \u201cI want to see him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoney, it\u2019s late,\u201d Russ said, but he knew it was pointless to argue.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t going to let Joe Cartwright spend Christmas alone in jail, and that was all there was to it.\u00a0 Truth be told, it was one of the things he loved about her.\u00a0 He watched as she bustled around the kitchen, preparing supper for the boy in the cell, and his heart ached for people like Joe Cartwright who didn\u2019t have such an amazing wife.<\/p>\n

The street was cold and silent.\u00a0 The moon shone so brightly on the snow that they didn\u2019t even need a lantern.\u00a0 Thin blue shadows crossed their path occasionally, but for the most part, the moonlight looked downright warm.\u00a0 As they reached the side of the jail with the cell\u2019s window, they could hear choking sobs coming from inside.\u00a0 Their steps slowed, and one word was clear.<\/p>\n

Edie\u2019s hand went to her throat.\u00a0 She looked up at Russ, her face almost ashen in the moonlight.\u00a0 Even with his name, there had been a chance.\u00a0 It could have been a coincidence.\u00a0 But now. . . .<\/p>\n

Russ pulled her closer.\u00a0 For a few minutes, they stood together, listening to the young man\u2019s heartbreak even as their own threatened to overwhelm them.\u00a0 Then, Edie straightened, and Russ leaned down to kiss her.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d she said, and he knew again why he loved her so much.<\/p>\n

He made a great show of jingling the keys and making as much noise as he could coming in.\u00a0 \u201cCartwright!\u201d he called out, just in case there was any chance Joe hadn\u2019t heard them.<\/p>\n

But there was no answer.\u00a0 He lit the lamp in the office as Edie bustled into the cell area with the lantern, calling, \u201cJoe!\u00a0 Wake up!\u00a0 We\u2019ve come to take you home!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 The word was barely audible.<\/p>\n

Russ unlocked the cell and swung the door open.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, Cartwright,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cTime to get out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe was lying on the cot, not looking at them.\u00a0 \u201cNo,\u201d he said again.\u00a0 \u201cJust leave me here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be silly,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t leave you here\u2014especially not over Christmas.\u00a0 Now, let\u2019s get going.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got supper in the oven.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m serious,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cGo home and do your celebrating.\u00a0 Let me stay here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t do that,\u201d said Russ.\u00a0 \u201cIf we leave you here, we\u2019ve got to come back and forth, make sure you\u2019ve got food and such.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lot easier if you just come with us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have to do anything,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cYou can have your Christmas.\u00a0 I\u2019ll ride out.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t do that,\u201d Edie protested.\u00a0 \u201cPlease, Joe.\u00a0 Come home with us.\u00a0 You said you\u2019d stay and help Russ until Cutler got back, and he\u2019s not back yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou did say that,\u201d Russ commented.\u00a0 \u201cI thought you were a man of your word.\u201d\u00a0 He was ready to send Edie outside and talk to the kid alone when Joe sat up.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right,\u201d he muttered.\u00a0 \u201cAll right, I won\u2019t leave town, but\u2014just let me stay here, all right?\u00a0 You two go home and have Christmas, and leave me here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t do any such thing,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cWe couldn\u2019t possibly enjoy Christmas if we knew you were sitting here all alone.\u201d\u00a0 Her voice was trembling, but Cartwright didn\u2019t seem to notice.\u00a0 Russ did, though, and that decided it for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cEdie, wait outside,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cI want to talk to Cartwright alone.\u201d\u00a0 Their eyes met; hers asked the question, and his answered.\u00a0 Without another word, she went out into the office and closed the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cListen,\u201d he said in a low voice.\u00a0 \u201cShe wants you there.\u00a0 So get your jacket, and let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe doesn\u2019t want me.\u201d\u00a0 Joe wouldn\u2019t look up.\u00a0 His voice was a monotone.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, she does.\u201d\u00a0 Russ was doing his best to hide his anger.\u00a0 Edie had been through enough, and the last thing she needed was this.\u00a0 \u201cShe wants you, she gets you.\u00a0 That\u2019s how things go around here.\u00a0 My wife wants something, I make sure she gets it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you\u2019re the perfect husband?\u00a0 Is that it?\u201d\u00a0 The bitterness was unmistakable.\u00a0 What the hell had the kid done?<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not perfect,\u201d he retorted.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s a lot I haven\u2019t been able to do for her, but I can do this.\u201d\u00a0 He glanced over his shoulder, then continued so quietly that Joe had to look up to catch his words.\u00a0 \u201cThings are hard enough for her.\u00a0 She\u2019s lost a lot, and this year. . . .\u00a0 Look, you don\u2019t have to sing Christmas carols or anything like that.\u00a0 Just let her have more at her table than me and a few of the saloon folks.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe dropped his head into his hands.\u00a0 Just as Russ was about to grab his arm and drag him to his feet, he mumbled, \u201cWe were supposed to have a baby.\u00a0 A Christmas baby.\u00a0 And instead. . . .\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ stared.\u00a0 What the\u2014what was he talking about?\u00a0 Had they gotten it all wrong?\u00a0 He almost asked, but suddenly, Cartwright was on his feet.\u00a0 Unsteady, but standing.\u00a0 Even in the low light, Russ could see something in his eyes that was pleading for\u2014what?\u00a0 Then, he recognized the look, and the ache in his heart swelled.\u00a0 No matter who she\u2019d been or what was supposed to happen, loss was still loss.<\/p>\n

Russ drew a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 When Joe said nothing more, Russ laid his hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 \u201cNo matter what you do, it\u2019s gonna hurt like hell.\u00a0 But maybe, if you come with us and let Edie make you something to eat\u2014maybe it\u2019ll hurt a little bit less.\u00a0 If it doesn\u2019t\u2014well, at least you know you did something for somebody else.\u00a0 Sometimes that helps.\u201d<\/p>\n

For what seemed like a long time, Russ waited in the cold, dim light.\u00a0 Just as he thought he would have to give up, he heard the quiet words:\u00a0 \u201cI bought presents.\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ swallowed hard.\u00a0 \u201cI know,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Frank had brought them over after Russ had thrown Joe into the cell.<\/p>\n

\u201cRuss?\u201d\u00a0 Edie\u2019s voice was so musical.\u00a0 It was one of the first things he\u2019d ever noticed about her.\u00a0 \u201cYou two about ready to go?\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ looked down at the smaller man.\u00a0 He knew what that kind of crippling pain was like.\u00a0 If it hadn\u2019t been for Edie, he\u2019d have given Cartwright a bottle and left him to drown in it.\u00a0 Let him handle his own pain in his own way.\u00a0 But she needed to have that young fellow at her Christmas, and for Russ, her need outweighed everything else.\u00a0 So, he said, \u201cWell?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cartwright took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRuss?\u201d came Edie\u2019s voice again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re coming,\u201d Russ called.\u00a0 He turned and walked out to the office, quietly relieved to hear Cartwright\u2019s boots clacking on the stone floor behind him.\u00a0 When they walked into the room, he was completely unsurprised when Edie threw her arms around the younger man, holding him just the way she\u2019d once held her little brothers when they were hurting.\u00a0 For a minute, Cartwright stood stiffly; then, it was as though the ice had thawed, and he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her bright red curls.\u00a0 They stood like that for a long time, until finally, Edie loosened her grasp.\u00a0 When Joe did likewise, Edie kissed his cheek and released him.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go,\u201d she said, and only someone who knew her as well as Russ would have heard the heartbreak in her voice.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

The next night, Joe lay in the room with the flowered curtains and tried to sort it all out.<\/p>\n

Christmas at the Mottoleses\u2019 hadn\u2019t been at all what he expected.\u00a0 The way Russ talked, he\u2019d had visions of the three of them sitting around a sad little table.\u00a0 Instead, when they got back from the jail, Edie practically shoved him into Russ\u2019 armchair with a cup of coffee and told him not to move because she had a lot to do and the last thing she needed was to be tripping over men.\u00a0 That lasted for about ten minutes; then, she started calling on Russ and Joe to move this and carry that.\u00a0 They cleared a place in the front room for the tree that Russ had apparently cut while Joe was snoring in a cell, and the next thing Joe knew, Edie was handing him ornaments and telling him where there was a bare spot on the tree.\u00a0 When Russ, who didn\u2019t need a ladder, had placed the last ornament on a high branch, he turned to Edie and said, \u201cWell?\u201d\u00a0 Her smile positively glowed, and Joe understood in that moment why the big man would do anything to see it.\u00a0 It reminded him of the way Carrie had sometimes smiled, with all the love and happiness in the world, as well as a tiny bit of trepidation, almost as though she hadn\u2019t really thought a time this good would come along and she was scared that it wouldn\u2019t last.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t realize he\u2019d gotten quiet, remembering, until he looked up and saw that Edie\u2019s smile had faded, just the way Carrie\u2019s used to.\u00a0 So, he took a deep breath and said, \u201cHey, Mottolese, you think this angel\u2019s going to fit on top of your tree?\u201d as he winked and nodded in Edie\u2019s direction.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat angel?\u00a0 We have a star!\u201d Edie protested, but Mottolese grinned and picked her up. Over her squeals as he held her up to the tree, he said, \u201cNope, don\u2019t think so.\u00a0 Get me an ax.\u00a0 Got to make it shorter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe tree or the angel?\u201d Joe asked, and Edie\u2019s laughter was his reward.\u00a0 It was the kind of teasing and warmth that had always been part of Christmas when he was growing up.\u00a0 He wondered whether Pa had gotten his wire.\u00a0 Edie had been right to make him send it.\u00a0 A good woman, that Edie.<\/p>\n

Christmas morning, he awoke to the last sound in the world he\u2019d have expected.\u00a0 As quietly as possible, he moved to the doorway of his room and peeked out.\u00a0 Edie was sitting at the table, weeping as though her heart were broken.\u00a0 He drew back, not wanting to interfere with her private moment.\u00a0 A woman should be able to cry in her own home.\u00a0 Finally, when she\u2019d quieted, he took a loud step, and as he\u2019d expected, she immediately gasped and stood up, turning away from him.\u00a0 So, he took a good long time wandering into the parlor, and by the time he greeted her, she\u2019d composed herself.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t say it in words, but when he squeezed her hand, her watery smile let him know she understood.<\/p>\n

Joe had tucked his gifts for Edie and Russ under the tree after they went to bed.\u00a0 Sometime in the night, other gifts had joined his packages.\u00a0 To his great surprise, there was even a present for him:\u00a0 the muffler that Edie had been knitting throughout the snowstorm.\u00a0 Around midday, people started to arrive:\u00a0 Frank, the girls from the saloon, and others who crowded into the little house.\u00a0 None of them seemed to be connected to anyone else; Joe overheard one of the saloon girls commenting that Edie seemed to have found more strays than usual this year.\u00a0 Again, he was reminded of home and how Pa always made sure that everybody he\u2019d encountered had a place to go for Christmas.<\/p>\n

And so, Joe got through Christmas.\u00a0 Maybe because it was so different, and yet it had such a familiar warmth to it, he didn\u2019t find himself dwelling overmuch on what he\u2019d once expected this Christmas to bring.\u00a0 He\u2019d done that last night, in a jail cell stinking of whiskey. He\u2019d been careful to confine himself to coffee ever since, just in case, and maybe that helped.\u00a0 Or maybe it was just that he\u2019d only had one Christmas with Carrie, and so she wasn\u2019t as intertwined with that holiday as she could have been, so he was able to look farther back and recall other Christmases when she hadn\u2019t been around and he\u2019d still been happy.\u00a0 And if he hadn\u2019t actually managed happiness this year\u2014well, he\u2019d gotten through it, and that was something.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gonna turn in, Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss stood at the foot of the stairs, his round face hopeful.\u00a0 But Ben shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cNot yet, son.\u00a0 You go on up.\u00a0 Good night.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss nodded.\u00a0 \u201c\u2019Night, Pa.\u201d\u00a0 He trudged up the stairs, the slowness of his gait betraying his concern.<\/p>\n

But there was nothing to be concerned about.\u00a0 Joe had said as much in his wire.\u00a0 Ben drew on his pipe, recalling the brief message.<\/p>\n

Pa, Adam and Hoss:<\/em><\/p>\n

Hope everything\u2019s okay at the Ponderosa.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing fine.\u00a0 Spending Christmas in Bushnell Flats.\u00a0 Will write soon.<\/em><\/p>\n

Merry Christmas,<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>\u201cBushnell Flats?\u201d Adam had said when Ben read the wire aloud.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh-huh.\u201d\u00a0 Ben was still studying the wire as if there was something more to be divined from those few words.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know it?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI may be wrong, but I think that\u2019s where Carrie was from,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

Ben\u2019s head jerked up.\u00a0 \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would he go there?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

Adam shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Maybe he just wanted to go someplace connected with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe didn\u2019t have any family, though, did she?\u201d\u00a0 Ben would have sworn that Joe had said she was an orphan.\u00a0 But Ruth Gillam had said something at the funeral about notifying Carrie\u2019s kin.\u00a0 Somehow, Ben had never remembered to ask her about that.\u00a0 Now, he wondered who she\u2019d contacted and what she\u2019d said.<\/p>\n

Hoss shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cBut mebbe there\u2019s neighbors who remember her.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was all Ben could do not to crumple the paper and throw it into the fire.\u00a0 All this time, he\u2019d been hoping that Joe was doing better, was working through his grief, and all the boy had done was to head off to the one place guaranteed to bring him more pain.\u00a0 What could he possibly hope to accomplish in her town?\u00a0 See where she grew up?\u00a0 Talk to people who knew her?\u00a0 And what would he tell them when they asked how she was?\u00a0 Would he tell them how she died?\u00a0 Would he insist on telling them that it was his fault?\u00a0 What if somebody believed him and decided to avenge her death?<\/p>\n

Why had she put his son through such agony?<\/p>\n

Now, as he listened to Hoss\u2019s footsteps in the upstairs hall, Ben tried again to push away what had become a recurring theme in his nightly ruminations, the question of why Carrie had chosen to inflict such cruel, violent torment on her husband.\u00a0 If she\u2019d truly loved him, how could she have done such a thing?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t she understand that she wasn\u2019t the one who would be hurt?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t she realize that she would devastate Joe, that he would spend months and probably years\u2014quite possibly the rest of his life\u2014trying to come to grips with what he\u2019d found on that grisly April morning?<\/p>\n

If she\u2019d had to do it, why couldn\u2019t she have chosen a different method, something that would let Joe believe that it could have been an accident?\u00a0 A death that appeared to be an accident would have been bad enough, but at least it would have left a question.\u00a0 They might have been able to convince Joe that she hadn\u2019t really meant to kill herself.\u00a0 He would still have grieved, of course, but it would have been so different.\u00a0 Yet she had deliberately taken away that choice, and for what reason?\u00a0 Why would she elect to end her life in such a brutal way, one that left no doubt about her intentions?<\/p>\n

Or was that what she had meant to do:\u00a0 make sure everybody knew what Joe had done?<\/p>\n

But it wasn’t just Joe who had been shattered by her actions.\u00a0 The Cartwrights had lost a member of their family.\u00a0 The Gillams had lost a dear friend.\u00a0 Doc Martin and Roy Coffee and the undertaker had had to care for her mutilated body.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss and Hop Sing had tried to scrub crusted spatters of blood and flesh and brain off the wall and floor in the bathhouse.\u00a0 The young couple\u2019s friends were as scared as they were distraught, almost as though they thought that whatever had driven Carrie to such a desperate act might be contagious. Still others in the community had been affected in a variety of ways, from discomfort to gossip to avoiding the Cartwrights entirely.\u00a0 That single act of pulling a trigger\u2014an act Ben himself had performed a thousand times\u2014had had such wide-reaching effects, just as the pebble in the pond creates ripples that spread farther and farther.<\/p>\n

But the person most directly affected had undoubtedly been Joe, who had gone off to seek solace and somehow landed instead in Carrie\u2019s hometown.\u00a0 As he drew on his pipe again, Ben wondered whether Joe had intended to go there.\u00a0 Was this sheer happenstance, or had it been his plan all along?\u00a0 For what reason?\u00a0 Penance?<\/p>\n

All at once, Ben rose and strode across the room to his desk, where he took out a sheet of paper.\u00a0 He didn’t know whether his letter would reach Joe before he left, but he needed to try.\u00a0 He unstopped the ink well and dipped his pen.<\/p>\n

Dear Joe,<\/em><\/p>\n

We were pleased to get your wire.\u00a0 We think about you a lot, and it\u2019s good to know that you’re doing well.<\/em><\/p>\n

We were surprised to hear that you were in Bushnell Flats.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to know where the road will take a man.\u00a0 I hope that this trip brings you everything you\u2019re looking for.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you need anything, don\u2019t hesitate to get in touch.\u00a0 Your brothers and I hope to see you soon.<\/em><\/p>\n

Love,<\/em><\/p>\n

Pa<\/em><\/p>\n

Ben read over the letter.\u00a0 It barely said anything.\u00a0 Perhaps that was just as well.\u00a0 What could he say?\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m so sorry she broke your heart?\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>Joe already knew this.\u00a0\u00a0She did a terrible thing to you?<\/em>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 No point in putting Joe in the position of defending her.\u00a0 And he would, Ben knew it.\u00a0 It would be one thing for Joe to be angry at her, but quite another for anyone else to express anger at her.<\/p>\n

Besides, these weren’t things you could write in a letter.\u00a0 They were things that could only be said face to face.<\/p>\n

Face to face.<\/em>\u00a0 It had been far too long since he\u2019d seen his son\u2019s face.\u00a0 One more thing Carrie had taken away.<\/p>\n

Hopefully, someday, he\u2019d get his son back.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Joe was awake long before dawn.\u00a0 Today, he would ask.\u00a0 The worst they could say was\u00a0\u00a0no.<\/em>\u00a0 If they hadn’t known her, there would be no harm in having asked.\u00a0 And if they had. . . .<\/p>\n

If they had. . . .<\/p>\n

This was the hard part.\u00a0 If they\u2019d known her, they\u2019d undoubtedly ask how she was.\u00a0 When he told him she was gone, they’d ask how it happened.\u00a0 Part of him wanted to lie, to say it was an accident, but even now, his stomach lurched at the thought.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t been an accident.\u00a0 She did it on purpose.<\/p>\n

As he dressed, he debated packing his gear now, before he raised the issue.\u00a0 In one way, it seemed cowardly.\u00a0 In another, it was merely sensible.\u00a0 He\u2019d already been here for longer than he\u2019d expected.\u00a0 Cutler was back.\u00a0 Mottolese didn\u2019t need him anymore.\u00a0 It was time to move on, and he was just asking the question on his way out the door.<\/p>\n

He\u2019d lit the stove, brought in water and milked the cow before he heard Edie and Russ stirring.\u00a0 By the time Edie came into the kitchen, he\u2019d already made the coffee.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re up early,\u201d she smiled.\u00a0 \u201cSleep well?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, sure.\u00a0 How about you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPretty well.\u201d\u00a0 She poured two cups of coffee.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s leave Russ\u2019s in the pot.\u00a0 No point in letting it get cold.\u201d\u00a0 She took half a loaf of bread from the box and set it on the table with a knife and a jar of jam.\u00a0 \u201cI wonder if Sadie Jefferson will have any eggs today.\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to get over to the mercantile this morning and see.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe stood by the stove as she talked.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t look at all like Carrie, but there was something about her manner that reminded him of her.\u00a0 It was possible she\u2019d been a friend of Carrie\u2019s, even though she was much older.\u00a0 A friend of Carrie\u2019s mother, maybe.\u00a0 It was worth asking.<\/p>\n

He took a deep breath.\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s something I need to ask you,\u201d he said, not even realizing he was interrupting.<\/p>\n

She grew very still, almost as though she knew what was coming.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you ever\u2014there was a girl who used to live in this town.\u00a0 Her name was Carrie.\u00a0 Carrie Mulrooney.\u00a0 I was wondering\u2014did you ever know her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Edie\u2019s gaze dropped to her cup.\u00a0 For a long minute, she didn’t speak or move.\u00a0 Then, she raised her head and met Joe\u2019s eyes squarely.\u00a0 \u201cYes,\u201d was all she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did\u2014I mean, did you know her well?\u201d<\/p>\n

Edie nodded.\u00a0 \u201cVery well.\u201d<\/p>\n

Something about the way she said it made Joe\u2019s stomach lurch.\u00a0 For something to do, he sipped his coffee as the silence stretched between them.\u00a0 Finally, he said, \u201cSo you know who I am?\u201d<\/p>\n

Edie nodded again.\u00a0 \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you know . . . what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

He had to look away then.\u00a0 When he felt his voice was under control, he said, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you say anything?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was there to say?\u201d\u00a0 Her voice was unbearably sad.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long . . . how long have you known?\u201d\u00a0 He could hardly get the words out.<\/p>\n

\u201cChristmas Eve.\u201d<\/p>\n

There were a thousand things to ask, and he couldn\u2019t make himself say any of them.\u00a0\u00a0 What had Carrie told her about Joe, about having babies, about anything?\u00a0 Did she know how Carrie had died?\u00a0 Did she know why?\u00a0 Was there anything she could say that would explain why Carrie had done what she\u2019d done?<\/p>\n

\u201cMorning,\u201d said Russ, yawning.\u00a0 He stopped at the doorway to the kitchen, his icy blue eyes cutting from Joe to his wife.\u00a0 \u201cWhat’s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re just talking,\u201d Edie said, but her tone said much more.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout my wife,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cSeems I was the last one to know what was going on here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTake it easy, Cartwright,\u201d said Russ with a touch of iron in his voice.\u00a0 He poured himself a cup of coffee.\u00a0 \u201cWhen you first showed up, we didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 Name could have been a coincidence.\u00a0 You never said anything, so we figured you didn\u2019t want to talk about her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that it?\u00a0 Or is it that\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0didn\u2019t want to talk about her?\u00a0 Maybe she had other secrets that I never knew about, and you wanted to be good and sure I never found out!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, calm down,\u201d said Edie, rising.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s sit down and talk.\u00a0 We\u2019ll tell you whatever you want to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean, whatever I know enough to ask about,\u201d Joe spat.\u00a0 \u201cAnd if I don\u2019t ask, it won\u2019t be like you kept it from me, will it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSit down,\u201d said Russ, and it wasn’t a suggestion.\u00a0 After a moment, Joe sat, but he didn\u2019t look at either of them.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long did you know her?\u201d he asked, his jaw clenched.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll her life,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cAfter her mama died, we raised her.\u2019<\/p>\n

Then, he set down his cup with such force that if there\u2019d been anything in it, it would have slopped over.\u00a0 \u201cHow did you find out she was dead?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Dead.\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The word felt harsh, brutal, hurtful.\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 He wanted it to hurt.<\/p>\n

\u201cRuth Gillam wrote to us,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cShe told us what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did she tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat Carrie was\u2014that she\u2019d killed herself.\u201d\u00a0 Tears welled up in Edie\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat else should she have said?\u201d Russ asked.<\/p>\n

Joe glared at him.\u00a0 \u201cI want to see the letter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cListen, Cartwright\u2014\u201d Russ began, but Edie cut him off.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d she said to Russ.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s her husband.\u201d\u00a0 She moved into the sitting room and returned with a large Bible which she set on the table.\u00a0 From inside the front cover, she withdrew a sheet of paper.\u00a0 \u201cYou can read it now or later.\u00a0 Whatever you want.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe didn\u2019t answer.\u00a0 He unfolded the sheet.\u00a0 Ruth\u2019s handwriting was much more formal than he\u2019d have expected.\u00a0 Clenching his jaw, he read:<\/p>\n

My dearest Edie and Russ,<\/em><\/p>\n

It is with great sorrow that I must inform you of Carrie\u2019s passing.\u00a0 She was such a beautiful girl, but she was always too fragile for this world, and as we had long feared, her troubles finally overwhelmed her.\u00a0 As you know, she married last year, and her husband seems to be quite devastated, although whether because of her death or the manner of it, I cannot say.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Ray and I are still in shock.\u00a0 We feel completely responsible.\u00a0 You entrusted her to us, and we let you down.\u00a0 Please accept our most profound apologies for our failure to protect her as she deserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

She must have been in such terrible pain to do such a thing.\u00a0 May the good Lord have mercy on this troubled angel, and may you forgive us for not having kept her safe.<\/em><\/p>\n

With deepest regret,<\/em><\/p>\n

Ruth<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t have said how long he sat there, reading the letter over and over.\u00a0 Gradually, two facts made themselves clear.\u00a0 The first was that the Gillams blamed themselves for what had happened.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t blame Joe, and they didn\u2019t blame Carrie.\u00a0 They blamed themselves.\u00a0 He\u2019d always thought Ruth blamed him.\u00a0 Apparently, he\u2019d been wrong.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t think it was his fault at all.\u00a0 Somebody other than his own family actually didn’t think that he was to blame for what Carrie had done.<\/p>\n

But just as this began to settle in his mind with cooling relief, the second fact shoved itself into his consciousness, and it was all he could do not to put his fist through something as that reality became clear.<\/p>\n

All of them\u2014Edie and Russ, Ruth and Ray\u2014they\u2019d known something like this was likely to happen.<\/p>\n

Long before Carrie had come to Virginia City, they\u2019d known what was going to happen.\u00a0 Before he\u2019d fallen in love with her\u2014before he\u2019d kissed her, before he\u2019d even known her name\u2014these people knew that one day, she would do exactly what she’d done.<\/p>\n

But nobody had said a word to him.\u00a0 Ruth and Ray Gillam had never warned him about what he was getting into.\u00a0 He\u2019d known them since he was a little boy, and he\u2019d never suspected them of holding anything back.\u00a0 Once he and Carrie were courting properly, Ruth had been reasonably pleasant to him.\u00a0 She\u2019d always greeted him when he encountered her in town, and she\u2019d even had him to dinner on occasion although he was sure that was due to Carrie\u2019s urging.\u00a0 Ruth had sat in the front pew at their wedding as Ray gave Carrie away.\u00a0 For their entire married life, Joe and Carrie had slept beneath the quilt that was Ruth and Ray\u2019s wedding present to them.<\/p>\n

And neither of them had ever once so much as hinted that there was anything like this he should know.<\/p>\n

Edie and Russ were watching him when he looked up.\u00a0 He held out the letter.\u00a0 \u201cYou weren\u2019t even surprised, were you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Edie asked carefully.<\/p>\n

Joe shook the letter at her.\u00a0 \u201cRuth Gillam knew.\u00a0 You had to know, too.\u00a0 You knew this would happen someday.\u00a0 How?\u00a0 How did you know?\u201d\u00a0 He stared at her.\u00a0 She dropped her gaze, and he knew.\u00a0 \u201cOh, God,\u201d he breathed.\u00a0 \u201cThis wasn’t the first time she tried, was it?\u201d\u00a0 When Edie didn\u2019t answer, he demanded, \u201cWhat did she do?\u00a0 Tell me, what did she try last time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, don\u2019t.\u201d\u00a0 Edie’s voice was breathless.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUnderstand what?\u00a0 What don\u2019t I understand?\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t realize that he\u2019d stood, that he was shouting, until Russ grabbed his arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s enough, Cartwright,\u201d the tall man snapped.<\/p>\n

But Joe yanked his arm loose.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what\u2019s enough.\u00a0 My wife killed herself, and it turns out that everybody expected this would happen, because she\u2019d probably tried it before, and I\u2019m not supposed to ask any questions?\u201d\u00a0 He turned to Edie.\u00a0 \u201cDo you want to know how she did it this time?\u00a0 I can tell you, because I\u2019m the one that found her.\u00a0 I got home, and there she was, lying there in the bathtub with a gun in her hand and blood all over the wall and the back of her head\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

A sharp fist snapped Joe\u2019s head back.\u00a0 \u201cI said that\u2019s enough!” Russ shouted.\u00a0 Edie was weeping quietly.\u00a0 \u201cYou get your things and get the hell out of my house!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, Russ,\u201d Edie protested.\u00a0 \u201cHe has a right to be upset.\u00a0 Don\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat’s all right, I\u2019m going,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI know everything I need to know.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting out of this godforsaken town right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoe, wait,\u201d said Edie.\u00a0 \u201cYou’re right, you’re entitled to know everything.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 We should have told you before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t apologize to him!\u201d\u00a0 Russ was towering over Joe.\u00a0 \u201cYou get out of my house!\u201d\u00a0 He grabbed Joe\u2019s arm as if to hustle him out, even as Edie tugged at his other arm to pull him back.<\/p>\n

In the next instant, fire exploded in his back.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t realize he was screaming until he felt himself falling to the floor.\u00a0 Dimly, he could hear them yelling at each other, and he tried to tell them to stop, but he couldn\u2019t make words come out.<\/p>\n

It seemed like forever before Edie was kneeling beside him.\u00a0 \u201cAre you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he managed.\u00a0 The wooden floor was so cold.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you tell me what\u2019s wrong?\u201d\u00a0 Her voice was gentle, but he could hear a thread of near-panic.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy back.\u201d\u00a0 Even those two words were an enormous effort.<\/p>\n

\u201cRuss has gone for the doctor,\u201d she said.\u00a0 She stroked Joe\u2019s hair.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot . . . not your fault,\u201d he murmured.\u00a0 She shook her head slightly, and even through the fiery pain, he understood that that wasn\u2019t what she was sorry about.<\/p>\n

By the time Russ returned with the doctor, Edie had tucked a blanket around Joe and was sitting on the floor beside him.\u00a0 The sheriff and the doctor maneuvered Joe into Edie and Russ\u2019s bed, and Joe barely realized what had happened until it was already done.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t stay here,\u201d he murmured.\u00a0 \u201cPut me on the cot.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely not,\u201d said the doctor firmly.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re not moving again.\u00a0 Now, somebody tell me exactly what happened here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt happens,\u201d Joe said.\u00a0 The doctor bent low as if he couldn\u2019t hear, and Joe tried to speak louder, but the effort was enormous.\u00a0 \u201cFew times before.\u00a0 It\u2019ll pass.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, you\u2019ve got a history of this kind of thing,\u201d said the doctor, sounding strangely relieved.\u00a0 A few more questions revealed the treatment that had been used in the past, and Edie put her long, flat irons on the stove to heat while Russ headed down to the mercantile to purchase a bottle of laudanum.\u00a0 A short time later, with the well-wrapped irons on his back, Joe swallowed two spoonfuls of laudanum and closed his eyes.\u00a0 He could hear Russ and Edie talking quietly, but he couldn\u2019t make out what they were saying.\u00a0 He tried to listen harder, but he felt as though he was slipping away down a long corridor, and finally, as the pain eased, the sound faded into silence.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

There had been times in the past several weeks that Joe had missed his family, but never as fiercely as he did in the days after his back flared up.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t fully appreciated what it meant to have them around to help until now, when he was forced to rely on strangers who didn\u2019t know what to do or how to do it.\u00a0 Pa had always made a point of keeping him well-sedated until the first couple of days had passed, but Edie and Russ didn\u2019t know to do that, and by the time he was awake enough to ask for more painkiller, it was already too late.\u00a0 On more than one occasion, he woke in the night and\u00a0 found himself alone with searing pain and no way to reach the bottle.\u00a0 Russ helped him with personal matters, but he didn’t have Hoss\u2019s gentle touch, and the pain of moving was so sharp that Joe dreaded his moments of need.\u00a0 Edie\u2019s soup was good enough, but it didn\u2019t have the rich flavor of Hop Sing\u2019s broth, and she didn’t have his pa\u2019s knack for being able to spoon it into the mouth of a supine patient without spilling.<\/p>\n

Even so, slowly his pain eased.\u00a0 He knew he was probably pushing harder than he should, and if Pa had been there, he’d have thundered orders for Joe to remain flat in bed, but Pa wasn\u2019t there and nobody else knew the difference.\u00a0 If nothing else, he needed to get out of Edie and Russ\u2019s bed.<\/p>\n

More importantly, he needed to get out of their house.\u00a0 They\u2019d all been careful not to talk about Carrie or anything that might lead to talk about her, but that couldn\u2019t go on forever.\u00a0 Not with Carrie being the one thing they had in common, the one subject that was undoubtedly as uppermost in their minds as in his.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know how many days he\u2019d been bedridden when the evening came that Russ came in and sat down.\u00a0 His face looked solemn.\u00a0 \u201cWe need to talk,\u201d he stated.<\/p>\n

Joe regarded the big man for a long minute.\u00a0 \u201cSo talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEdie says you\u2019re entitled to know everything.\u201d\u00a0 It sounded almost like a challenge.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what do you say?\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ looked like he was evaluating something.\u00a0 \u201cI reckon she\u2019s right,\u201d he said finally.\u00a0 \u201cYou were Carrie\u2019s husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cI was the big dumb fool who thought we were going to live happily ever after.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d said Russ.\u00a0 \u201cIt could\u2019ve happened. \u00a0You two could have been happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe snorted.\u00a0 \u201cAnd how do you figure that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ looked down at his fingernails.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not saying it would have been easy,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cBut it could\u2019ve happened, maybe.\u00a0 If it hadn\u2019t been for . . . well, what happened a few years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was that?\u201d Joe asked when Russ didn’t go on.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019d been having a lot of problems with her monthlies,\u201d said Russ as if this were a typical subject for two men to discuss.\u00a0 \u201cEver since she was about thirteen.\u00a0 Two, three, even four days every month, she\u2019d be curled up in a ball because she was hurting so bad and bleeding so hard.\u00a0 Edie tried everything, but nothing helped.\u00a0 So, when that new doc came to town and said he knew how to fix it, we said okay.\u00a0 Maybe we should have asked more questions, but I don\u2019t know if he\u2019d have told us anything more than he did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat did he do?\u201d Joe asked, but the sudden sick feeling in his gut told him the answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe cut her open, and he took out her womb,\u201d said Russ.\u00a0 His eyes were distant.\u00a0 \u201cWe didn\u2019t know he was going to do that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember now what we thought, but when he came out and said she wasn\u2019t going to have any more problems with hurting or bleeding, we thought it was a good thing.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even remember how we got on the topic, but then he said, just as casual as day, that of course she wouldn\u2019t be able to have children.\u201d\u00a0 His jaw was tight now.\u00a0 \u201cOf all the things he could have said, and to Edie of all people . . . it was a wonder she didn\u2019t just choke him where he stood.\u00a0 As it was, I had to pull her off him, and she was screaming and clawing at him like I\u2019ve never seen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd nobody knew?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, the doc obviously knew, but we didn\u2019t, and Carrie didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Maybe he figured we had to know, because what else could he be doing?\u00a0 Except nobody\u2019d ever heard of fixing women problems by operating, and we didn\u2019t know what to ask.\u00a0 He just said this was a new thing they were doing back east.\u00a0 She was suffering so much every month that we\u2019d have gone along with practically anything.\u201d\u00a0 He sipped his whiskey.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll never forget the look on her face when Edie told her.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t until a long time later, after she\u2019d recovered.\u00a0 Edie knew better than to say anything earlier.\u201d\u00a0 He stared into his drink.\u00a0 \u201cDoc said that if she\u2019d ever tried to have a baby, she\u2019d likely have bled to death.\u00a0 So, it was better this way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas it?\u201d\u00a0 Joe’s voice was hoarse.\u00a0 What she must have gone through, then and every day after . . . and what she must have felt when he found out.\u00a0 Right then, he\u2019d have given anything for a drink.\u00a0 Instead, he reached for the water glass on the bedside table.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 Russ’s voice broke into his thoughts.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know if that doctor was right or not.\u00a0 Maybe he really was saving her life, or maybe he was a lying butcher.\u00a0 We\u2019ll never know.\u201d\u00a0 Abruptly, he rose and left the room.\u00a0 A minute later, he returned with a bottle and two glasses.\u00a0 He poured and handed one to Joe.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just wish\u2014I wish she\u2019d told me.\u00a0 Before.\u201d\u00a0 Joe drained his glass, and Russ refilled it without asking if he wanted it.\u00a0 Instead, he asked the question that so many before him had wanted to ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe it\u2019s none of my business, but . . . if you\u2019d known, would you still have married her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe bit his lip slightly.\u00a0 Everything in him wanted to tell Mottolese that he was right\u2014it was none of his business.\u00a0 But Carrie was their family, too.\u00a0 At least, in a way.\u00a0 They might not be her blood relations, but they\u2019d raised her.\u00a0 They\u2019d done their best for her.\u00a0 And they\u2019d loved her.\u00a0 He was sure of it.\u00a0 Because there was no way to know her and not love her.<\/p>\n

So, he answered as honestly as he could.\u00a0 \u201cI think so.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying it wouldn\u2019t have taken some getting used to, but in the end\u2014I\u2019d have fallen in love with her regardless.\u00a0 So\u2014yeah.\u00a0 I think that, if she could have believed me, we\u2019d have gotten married.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBelieved you?\u00a0 About what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat I loved her anyway.\u00a0 Thing is, I always wanted a whole passel of kids, and I\u2019d told her that.\u00a0 Maybe I made too much of it, and she didn\u2019t feel like she could admit the truth.\u00a0 She just said she wanted a big family, too.\u201d\u00a0 He shook his head, remembering.\u00a0 \u201cBut we could have had them some other way.\u00a0 There\u2019s an orphanage in Virginia City, and it\u2019s always busting at the seams.\u00a0 We probably could have adopted as many of those kids as we wanted.\u00a0 Sure, it wouldn\u2019t have been the same as, say, having a little girl who looked just like Carrie, but we could have been happy anyway.\u201d\u00a0 In a voice so low that Russ could barely hear, he said, \u201cI wish she\u2019d trusted me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Russ\u2019s voice was almost as low.\u00a0 \u201cThat was one of the things about her that I never understood.\u00a0 She was beautiful and smart and talented, but she never thought she measured up.\u00a0 It was like she didn\u2019t believe anybody would love her if they found out she wasn\u2019t perfect.\u00a0 And then, when Walzer called off the wedding\u2014well, it was like it was carved in stone that she wasn\u2019t good enough.\u00a0 That\u2019s why Edie sent her to the Gillams.\u00a0 She knew Ruth and Ray would take care of her, and she was hoping that just maybe, if Carrie could get a fresh start where nobody knew about her past or her operation, it might go better for her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe held out his glass, and Russ poured him another shot.\u00a0 \u201cBut why didn\u2019t she ever tell me about you and Edie?\u00a0 You’re like family, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDepends on what you call family.\u00a0 Edie and Ruth and Carrie’s ma were friends ever since they were little and their families came west together.\u00a0 I got to meet Marianne, but she died when Carrie was little.\u00a0 Carrie\u2019s pa died before she was born, and they didn\u2019t have any other kin.\u00a0 So me and Edie raised Carrie, and Ruth helped until she moved away.\u00a0 Mostly, it was Edie and me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut why didn’t she tell me about you?\u201d\u00a0 It didn\u2019t make any sense.<\/p>\n

Russ shrugged.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Maybe she was afraid we\u2019d spill the beans. \u00a0Edie would have said you should know.\u00a0 Maybe Carrie was afraid that if she didn\u2019t tell you, Edie would.\u00a0 All I know is, from the time she went to Virginia City, we always wrote to her at Ruth\u2019s place.\u00a0 Even after she wrote to say she was married, she wanted us to keep writing to her there.\u201d\u00a0 He regarded Joe soberly.\u00a0 \u201cIt worried us.\u00a0 We asked Ruth about you, and she said you were a fine man and she was sure you loved Carrie, but we were still worried that something was wrong.\u00a0 We were thinking that when spring came, we might take a trip down Virginia City way and visit her, but before we could do that, we got Ruth\u2019s letter.\u201d\u00a0 His voice trailed off.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo many secrets.\u201d\u00a0 Joe didn\u2019t mean to sound bitter, but Russ\u2019s sharp look let him know that it had come out anyway.\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 He was bitter.\u00a0 Bitter and angry and hurt that the woman he\u2019d loved so much hadn\u2019t trusted him, had felt she had to hide something so important, had lied to him over and over.\u00a0 Had chosen such a horrific way out of her secret, leaving him with the violent, blood-soaked memory that still threatened to smother him.<\/p>\n

Abruptly, he looked away.\u00a0 He had to get out of there.\u00a0 He\u2019d found out the truth.\u00a0 He needed to get away.<\/p>\n

\u201cCartwright.\u201d\u00a0 Russ was standing.\u00a0 He was silent until Joe looked up at him, and then he said, \u201cDon\u2019t hate her.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d Joe spat.\u00a0 The notion had never been in his mind before that second, but now it made perfect sense.\u00a0 He was entitled to hate her.\u00a0 She\u2019d destroyed his life.\u00a0 He raised his chin in defiance, daring Russ to give him a reason.<\/p>\n

But Russ just shook his head slowly. \u00a0\u201cIf you did it, she\u2019d forgive you.\u201d \u00a0For a long minute, the two men watched each other.\u00a0 Then, Joe set his glass on the table and turned his head, closing his eyes until he heard Russ\u2019s boots on the wooden floor as the big man walked slowly out the door and away.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

The good part of being on his own again was that there was nobody watching him.\u00a0 The bad part was that he felt more alone than ever.<\/p>\n

It had taken nearly a month before he was able to leave Edie and Russ\u2019s, but as soon as he could, he did.\u00a0 He thanked them for everything, and he tried not to notice the pain in their eyes as he mounted his pinto.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease keep in touch,\u201d said Edie, her hand resting lightly on his leg.\u00a0 \u201cLet us know how everything\u2019s going for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t, but it was easier than arguing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re so sorry,\u201d she said, and she sounded like she meant it.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d\u00a0 He knew that that would sound like he was saying he forgave them even though he wasn\u2019t anywhere close to that.<\/p>\n

\u201cI put a little something in your bag,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt was Carrie\u2019s.\u00a0 But please\u2014don\u2019t open it now.\u00a0 Just wait until . . . until the time\u2019s right.\u201d\u00a0 Joe wanted to ask her when that would be, but he saw her chin quiver just a little bit, and so he just nodded.<\/p>\n

Russ stood beside her, his hat shadowing his eyes.\u00a0 Then, just as Joe was about to ride off, the big man pushed back the brim, and the look in his light blue eyes echoed everything he\u2019d said that night.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t hate her.\u00a0 She\u2019d forgive you.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>So, Joe touched the brim of his own hat, thanked them again for all they\u2019d done, and rode off before he had to admit to anybody that there was no way on earth he was ever going to forgive Caroline Ann Mulrooney Cartwright.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Part Four<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

He\u2019d been riding for days, but the time still wasn\u2019t right.\u00a0<\/strong> He\u2019d thought at first that the parcel would be food, but when he found it tucked in the bottom of his bag, he knew it wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 Wrapped in sprigged calico and tied with a ribbon, it was soft and lumpy.\u00a0 Clearly not food, and just as clearly not a diary or anything like that.\u00a0 Not that he\u2019d ever known Carrie to keep a diary, but the way Edie had talked, he\u2019d had the strange thought that she was giving him something that just might explain what had happened.\u00a0 A diary would have done that.\u00a0 Something that would tell him, in plain, clear terms, how it was that the woman who said she loved him could have destroyed both their lives.<\/p>\n

He hadn\u2019t known where he was going, but his horse must have known.\u00a0 Late one afternoon, just as the sun was going down, he realized with a jolt that he was on the Ponderosa.\u00a0 He reined in the pinto more roughly than he should have.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t go back to the house.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t face them.\u00a0 Not like this, with more questions than answers.\u00a0 They\u2019d want to know how he was, and he didn\u2019t know.\u00a0 Pa would be searching his face for some sign than he was better, but he wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 If anything, he was worse now than ever.\u00a0 Before, he\u2019d only hated himself.\u00a0 Now, he hated her.<\/p>\n

He hated her.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0 The word echoed in the clear, cold dusk.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t hate her.\u00a0 He was angry with her\u2014angrier than he\u2019d ever been with another person.\u00a0 But he didn\u2019t hate her.\u00a0 He was sure of it, even now.<\/p>\n

But it could happen. \u00a0It wasn\u2019t impossible.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t even be difficult, not now. \u00a0He was teetering on the very edge of that ravine, barely balanced above a perilous sheer drop.\u00a0 If he gave in\u2014if he let himself hate her\u2014it would be like throwing himself into the depths where the jagged rocks would batter his soul until the last drop of love seeped out, leaving him a mere husk of a man.\u00a0 He would be as dead as she was, even if his heart kept beating.<\/p>\n

Abruptly, he jerked the reins, heading away from the direction of the house, up toward another house.\u00a0 It was farther than he\u2019d remembered, but finally, in the light of a full moon, he found himself standing in front of their home.<\/p>\n

Deliberately, not letting himself think, he led the pinto into the barn.\u00a0 Nothing had changed.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have to think about where to find the lantern; it was right where he\u2019d left it all those months ago.\u00a0 He lit it and hung it on its nail, and then he unsaddled his horse.\u00a0 Careful to keep his attention on the tasks at hand, he curried and brushed his horse.\u00a0 He found a pile of hay just where he\u2019d left it the last time he was here, and he forked it into the stall.\u00a0 The tin-lined oat bin was half-full, but it was enough for tonight.\u00a0 He scooped out a bucket of feed; if it was stale, the horse didn\u2019t let on.\u00a0 Then, he went out to the well to fill a water pail by moonlight, and he brought that back in and set it in the stall, too.<\/p>\n

When there was nothing left to do in the barn, he blew out the lantern.\u00a0 Then, he took his saddlebags and walked out into the yard.\u00a0 His shadow on the snow was long and thin and gray-blue.\u00a0 The snow squeaked under his boots, a sure sign that it had been melting by day and refreezing by night.\u00a0 He crossed the yard as if he did it all the time.\u00a0 When he reached the front door, he paused.\u00a0 Then, he squared his shoulders, lifted the latch, and stepped inside.<\/p>\n

At once, his senses prickled.\u00a0 Something wasn\u2019t right.\u00a0 He dropped his saddlebags on the floor, the thump announcing his presence.\u00a0 He wished he\u2019d brought the lantern in from the barn.\u00a0 As his eyes became accustomed to the darkness, he caught the slight glint of the moonlight on the lamp in the middle of the table.\u00a0 He crossed the room and lit the lamp, raising it to look around.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t a big house.\u00a0 There were only two rooms, the main room and the bedroom.\u00a0 The main room was both parlor and kitchen, and that was fine with Carrie.\u00a0 She\u2019d always been happy to have Joe in the room as she cooked supper or washed dishes.\u00a0 After a long day\u2019s work, he\u2019d settled in his overstuffed armchair by the fire while she fussed over the stove and chattered about all sorts of things that had happened while he was gone.\u00a0 She\u2019d had an amazing gift for finding magic in the mundane; she could be just as excited about the first violets of spring as about a trip to San Francisco.\u00a0 She\u2019d made a braided rug for over by the fireplace, between Joe\u2019s armchair and her rocking chair, and she\u2019d made another for the bedroom.\u00a0 She was working on a third one to put by the pump counter when she\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he said aloud.\u00a0 This was his house.\u00a0 He could make the rules.\u00a0 Rule number one:\u00a0 no talk about that day.<\/p>\n

The lamplight revealed no uninvited visitors.\u00a0 No squatter snored in his chair or sprawled in his bed.\u00a0 No one else was in the house.\u00a0 He was alone.\u00a0 He held up the lantern as if it would reveal something, but the house was every bit as neat and tidy as when he\u2019d left that note and gone to Pa\u2019s.\u00a0 Better than he\u2019d left it the last time he\u2019d been here after she\u2014afterward, when all he did was stumble around and drink.\u00a0 Adam and Hoss must have come up here one more time after Pa made him come home.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t occurred to Joe to ask.<\/p>\n

All at once, he was as tired as if somebody had drained all the blood out of him.\u00a0 He went into the bedroom and set the lamp on the bedside table.\u00a0 He turned the flame down and without even pulling off his boots, he lay down on the bed and fell asleep.<\/p>\n

The next morning, he was awakened by sunlight streaming in the window.\u00a0 It took him a minute to remember where he was.\u00a0 He sat up, blinking.\u00a0 As he looked around, he felt again that niggling sensation that something wasn\u2019t right, that someone had been here.\u00a0 He swung his legs over the side of the bed, noticing that his boots had left dirty wet marks on the floor and the quilt.<\/p>\n

Then, he realized what he\u2019d sensed without understanding.<\/p>\n

The house was clean.\u00a0 Freshly clean.\u00a0 As if somebody had come through just yesterday to sweep and dust.<\/p>\n

Memories slammed into him then:\u00a0 Carrie, mopping and cleaning, singing as she made their home as spotless and orderly as she could.\u00a0 She had loved this house.\u00a0 Their home.\u00a0 Their life together.\u00a0 Him.<\/p>\n

She\u2019d loved him.<\/p>\n

And yet, she\u2019d done to him the worst thing one person can do to another.<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t know how long he sat on the bed, turning those two thoughts over and over.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know how to make them fit together.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know if they could.\u00a0 How could somebody who loved him do such a thing?<\/p>\n

The sound of a wagon out front startled him.\u00a0 He wanted to rise, to go and meet whoever was coming, but he sat still, waiting.\u00a0 The door opened, and a small, slight figure wearing a wool coat and carrying a basket and a pail came in, carefully closing the door behind him.\u00a0 Joe watched as he set down the basket and pail and hung the coat carefully on the hook on the wall.<\/p>\n

At last, the visitor saw him.\u00a0 For an instant, he looked startled; then, he stood still.\u00a0 The two men looked at each other.\u00a0 Finally, the smaller one spoke.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Carrie like her house clean.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe nodded to acknowledge this truth.\u00a0 \u201cHow long have been you been doing this?\u201d<\/p>\n

The little man shrugged slightly. \u00a0\u201cAll time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot before\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

He shook his head, pigtail swinging.\u00a0 \u201cMiss Carrie do own house.\u00a0 Hop Sing not come up until after.\u201d\u00a0 He regarded Joe for a minute.\u00a0 Then, he set to work pumping water into a pail Joe hadn\u2019t noticed in the corner.\u00a0 As Joe watched, Hop Sing washed away the muddy footprints Joe had left the night before, working his way from the front room into the bedroom.<\/p>\n

When he reached the bed and saw the dirty footprints on the quilt, Hop Sing looked for an instant like he was about to scold Joe the way he always had.\u00a0 Then, he said, \u201cHop Sing wash.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe shook his head.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said the little man firmly.\u00a0 \u201cHop Sing wash blanket.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t need to,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn’t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Carrie like house clean,\u201d said the little man stubbornly.<\/p>\n

\u201cMiss Carrie isn\u2019t here,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter what she liked.\u00a0 She\u2019ll never know the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hop Sing looked as shocked as if Joe had slapped him.\u00a0 \u201cMiss Carrie good girl,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cHave much pain, much hurt in heart.\u00a0 Nobody know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe if she\u2019d said something, maybe she wouldn\u2019t have had such a hurt in her heart,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cAnd maybe she wouldn\u2019t have caused everybody else so much pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe hurt,\u201d said Hop Sing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t care,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cIn fact, I don\u2019t care what happens to this house.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you to clean here anymore.\u00a0 Go back home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHop Sing clean Miss Carrie\u2019s house\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not her house!\u00a0 It\u2019s mine, and I said get out!\u201d\u00a0 Joe was on his feet without realizing it.\u00a0 \u201cI mean it!\u00a0 And don\u2019t you dare tell anybody I’m here!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLi’l Joe not come home?\u201d\u00a0 Hop Sing looked even more stunned.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am home,\u201d said Joe.\u00a0 \u201cThis is my home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut Mistah Ben want to know\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u00a0 I mean it!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you dare tell anybody I\u2019m here!\u00a0 If you do, I\u2019ll\u2014I\u2019ll\u2014I\u2019ll leave again.\u00a0 For good this time, and I\u2019ll go so far nobody\u2019ll ever find me!\u201d\u00a0 He slammed his fist into the wall and yowled with the unexpected pain.\u00a0 \u201cNo!\u00a0 Don\u2019t try to fix it!\u00a0 Just go home!\u201d he shouted, jerking his hand away as Hop Sing tried to take it to examine it.\u00a0 He snatched up Hop Sing\u2019s pail with his good hand and stormed out the front door, tossing the water into the snow.\u00a0 Then, he stood by the door, holding the bucket, until Hop Sing came out and, with one last unreadable look, climbed into the wagon and drove off.\u00a0 Only after the little man was gone from sight did Joe scoop up a bucketful of snow and go back inside to plunge his swollen hand into the cold.\u00a0 With perverse pleasure, he noted that he had tracked more dirty snow into the house.\u00a0 He sat at the table, his hand in the bucket, and vowed not to clean it up.<\/p>\n

Even though he\u2019d told Hop Sing not to say anything, he half-expected his father and brothers to come riding up.\u00a0 As night fell, he felt a curious sense of almost-disappointment that the little man had done as he demanded.\u00a0 It had been a quiet day, considering its start.\u00a0 After Joe had bound up his hand, he spent the time alternating between naps and little chores like hauling in the firewood that had been sitting out for months after the last time he\u2019d split it.\u00a0 As darkness enveloped the house, he dumped out his saddlebags on the table to see whether there was any food.\u00a0 Some coffee spilled out of the paper sack, and it was gritty underfoot.\u00a0 He flung the calico package onto the mantle, but it fell off, and he left it where it fell.\u00a0 He found some old jerky and some beans.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t feel like cooking, so he gnawed on the jerky until the edge of hunger had softened, and then he went to bed again.<\/p>\n

When he awoke the next morning, the first thing he noticed was the sharp smell of soap.\u00a0 \u201cI said, go home!\u201d he shouted, but there was no answer.\u00a0 He threw back the blanket, only dimly realizing that the quilt was gone.\u00a0 The spilled coffee had been cleaned up.\u00a0 The calico package sat in Carrie\u2019s rocker by the fireplace, where a fire burned which warmed the chilly house.\u00a0 A small iron pot sat on the stove, and even with the lid on, the aroma of beef stew permeated the house.<\/p>\n

Joe was about to shout again when he realized two things.\u00a0 First, Hop Sing had clearly already left.\u00a0 Second, he was too hungry to complain about the intrusion.\u00a0 Grumpily, he spooned some stew into a bowl and ate it standing over the stove.\u00a0 It was so good\u2014chunks of tender beef in rich brown gravy, steaming hot and luscious.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t realized how much he’d missed Hop Sing\u2019s cooking.\u00a0 It tasted like home.\u00a0 He refilled his bowl; this time, he sat down in his armchair by the fire.\u00a0 When he finished eating, he set the bowl down on the floor by the chair, put his head back, and fell asleep.<\/p>\n

The next morning, Joe was awake when the door opened and Hop Sing slipped inside, carrying the freshly-laundered quilt.\u00a0 Their eyes met, but neither spoke at first.\u00a0 Then, Joe reached for the quilt.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d was all he said, but Hop Sing nodded ever so slightly.<\/p>\n

For more than a week, Joe stayed in his house, with Hop Sing his only visitor.\u00a0 They rarely spoke except for when Joe thanked him for bringing food.\u00a0 It was hard to know whether Hop Sing felt he\u2019d already said his piece or whether he was waiting for Joe to say something.\u00a0 But the truth was that it was oddly relaxing to have a familiar beloved presence in the house and yet not have to do more than utter a handful of words.\u00a0 It was almost like being an invalid.\u00a0 While he knew this way of living couldn\u2019t last, there was something so comforting about the little man\u2019s quiet, undemanding way of being there that he didn\u2019t want to speak for fear of having it drift away like woodsmoke on the late winter air.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Days fell into a pattern which, if not precisely logical, was nonetheless comfortable and familiar.\u00a0 Chores were simple.\u00a0 The only animal on the place was Joe\u2019s pinto; the others had been moved to the main house long ago.\u00a0 So, with no eggs to gather, cows to milk, or pigs to slop, morning tasks took practically no time at all.\u00a0 He tended his horse, and then he tended to himself.\u00a0 He built up the fire in the stove and put on the coffee pot and the soup kettle to heat the water.\u00a0 He was sure there was a wash kettle around somewhere, but it wasn\u2019t in the house and he wasn\u2019t going to look for it anywhere else.<\/p>\n

All his washing-up took place at the kitchen sink; he never went into the bathhouse.\u00a0 There were times\u2014usually when he\u2019d had a few drinks\u2014that he thought of burning the bathhouse down, or maybe just ripping it apart board by board.\u00a0 One night, he stood shivering in the moonlight, a crowbar in one hand and a bottle in the other, ready to tear it to splinters, but when he braced the crowbar against the wood, he couldn\u2019t see it through. \u00a0He flung the crowbar away from him, into the night, and stalked back inside the house where he wrapped the quilt around himself and sat in his chair, staring into the embers of the fire.\u00a0 In spite of everything, he couldn\u2019t destroy it.\u00a0 In a peculiar way, the bathhouse was at once sacred and profane.\u00a0 Sacred, because it was the last place on earth where she\u2019d been alive.\u00a0 Profane, because it was the site of the act which was the bloodiest, the most violent of which any human was capable.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, he found himself thinking about what Hop Sing had said.\u00a0\u00a0Miss Carrie have hurt in heart.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>Not just hurt.\u00a0 Anguish.\u00a0 Anger.\u00a0 Despair.\u00a0 Rage.\u00a0 Terror.\u00a0 Hatred.<\/p>\n

Wait\u2014hatred<\/em>?\u00a0 Whose?<\/p>\n

Some days, he was convinced that she must have hated him to do such a thing.\u00a0 Other days, he was just as convinced that she had given no thought at all to how he would feel, that her sole intention was to put an end to her own pain and that this urge had so consumed her that she had not thought about what would come afterward.<\/p>\n

By day, he tended to basic life needs.\u00a0 He hunted for game.\u00a0 He chopped firewood.\u00a0 He repaired the latch on the barn door.\u00a0 He cleaned the one stall that was used.\u00a0 He let simple tasks become his focus, and he did his best not to think.<\/p>\n

One day, he awoke with an urge to ride with purpose.\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t have said why, or even what the purpose was.\u00a0 But after breakfast, he saddled his horse, got a lasso, and headed out to look for stray calves.\u00a0 It was the right time of year.\u00a0 Probably the Ponderosa ranch hands could use the help.<\/p>\n

For the next three days, Joe rose at dawn and rode until dusk.\u00a0 When he found a stray, he was careful to take it only far enough to be sure it would rejoin the herd.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know why it was important to him not to be seen, but he did his best to avoid contact with anyone.<\/p>\n

It was only a matter of time, of course.\u00a0 A man on a black and white pinto couldn\u2019t hope to remain unnoticed forever.\u00a0 Especially on the Ponderosa, where only one man rode such a horse.\u00a0 So, it came as no surprise when, late on the fifth day, Joe saw two familiar horses, with even more familiar riders, heading in his direction.\u00a0 For a fleeting instant, he felt an almost overwhelming urge to turn and run; his pinto was much faster than his brothers\u2019 mounts, and he could easily have gotten away.\u00a0 But he reined in his horse and sat still, waiting for them to reach him.<\/p>\n

The grin on Hoss\u2019s face was so wide it threatened to split the round cheeks.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Little Brother!\u00a0 When\u2019d you get back?\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam\u2019s smile was quieter, but no less intense.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Joe nodded.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s good to see you, too.\u201d\u00a0 And it was, though not in the exuberant way he once would have meant.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just get back?\u201d Hoss pressed.\u00a0 \u201cCan\u2019t believe Pa made you come right out to work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam looked for a moment as if he were working a puzzle.\u00a0 Then, the furrow in his brow relaxed.\u00a0 \u201cHow long have you been around?\u201d\u00a0 Hoss looked startled, but Joe held Adam\u2019s gaze steadily.<\/p>\n

\u201cA couple weeks,\u201d was all he said, but Hoss stared in disbelief.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t just get back?\u201d the big man demanded.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake it easy,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 To Joe, he said, \u201cWhere\u2019ve you been staying?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt my house.\u201d\u00a0 The words were a challenge, a gauntlet flung to the ground.<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes Pa know you\u2019re back?\u201d Hoss asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 Joe sat straight and defiant.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I don\u2019t want him to.\u00a0 Not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d Hoss looked flabbergasted.<\/p>\n

It was a question Joe had been asking himself ever since the first morning he woke in his home, but still he had no answer.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not ready,\u201d he said at last.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not back the way you mean\u2014the way Pa would want.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m ever going to be back that way.\u00a0 I\u2019m just\u2014I can\u2019t\u2014I\u2019m not ready to be back.\u00a0 I\u2019m not back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hoss looked like he wanted to reach over and grab his brother\u2019s ear and drag him all the way back to the main house, but Adam put a restraining hand on Hoss\u2019s arm.\u00a0 \u201cIf you say so,\u201d he said.\u00a0 He gathered his reins, adding, \u201cCheck down in the draw.\u00a0 I saw a couple head over that way earlier in the week.\u00a0 I think one of them calved last month.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0 Joe nudged the pinto and rode off.<\/p>\n

When he was out of earshot, Hoss turned to Adam.\u00a0 \u201cWhat d\u2019you make of that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf he ain\u2019t ready to be back, then why\u2019s he comin\u2019 out here where he knows he\u2019s gonna run into us?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be the question, wouldn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Let\u2019s get going.\u00a0 We\u2019ve only got another hour of daylight.\u201d<\/p>\n

As they rode back down the hill, Hoss said, \u201cYou think we should tell Pa?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not our decision.\u00a0 It\u2019s up to Joe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd he says he ain\u2019t ready to be back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Adam grinned.\u00a0 Up the hill from them, the black and white horse loped along the horizon with all the grace and freedom of a wild mustang. \u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he said. \u00a0\u201cI have a feeling our little brother may be closer to \u2018back\u2019 than he thinks.\u201d<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

That night, Joe was half-relieved and half-disappointed when no visitors arrived.\u00a0 He knew that Adam would keep his secret, at least for now, and Adam would likewise keep Hoss in line.\u00a0 Still, he found himself expecting a knock on the door and a deep voice saying, \u201cHello, son.\u201d<\/p>\n

But the evening passed quietly.\u00a0 Joe prepared and ate his solitary supper.\u00a0 He covered the leftovers, setting the bowl on the counter.\u00a0 Then, he took up his pencil and settled himself at the table.<\/p>\n

He didn’t know why he\u2019d started writing to her.\u00a0 Maybe because it felt familiar, reminding him of the early days of their courtship when everything was new and innocent and thrilling.\u00a0 All those days when he\u2019d been laid up, when letters as their only means of conversing.\u00a0 Somehow, writing had heightened the excitement precisely because he\u2019d had no way of seeing her face, hearing her voice, touching her hand.\u00a0 All he’d had were her words on the page, graceful script as shy and lovely as Carrie herself.\u00a0 He\u2019d done his best to respond, and though his words often felt clumsy and coarse, sheer practice made it easier to relay his thoughts and feelings on paper.\u00a0 He found himself saying things he might not have had the courage to say to her face, like the kind of poetic stuff that Adam probably said to girls all the time.\u00a0 Sometimes, he wondered whether Carrie might be doing the same, saying things in her letters that she didn\u2019t have the nerve to say in person.<\/p>\n

Even after he was recovered and they were together, they\u2019d kept on writing to each other.\u00a0 If they had a disagreement, she seemed to prefer working it out by writing to him instead of talking.\u00a0 It was almost as if she felt protected by the distance of the written word.\u00a0 She never liked discord of any kind, and she seemed almost panicked if Joe was annoyed or irritated about anything.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s okay,\u201d he\u2019d said more than once.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not going anywhere.\u00a0 I love you.\u00a0 Everything\u2019s okay.\u201d\u00a0 But arguments seemed to frighten her, and Joe learned that this fear was best comforted by a letter reminding her how much he loved her.\u00a0 It was almost as though seeing the words in writing made them more permanent, more real for her.<\/p>\n

Once they were married, he\u2019d still written her little notes, leaving them on her pillow or propped against the sugar bowl or somewhere else where she could happen upon them.\u00a0 He\u2019d liked the notion that while he was out working, she would find something from him to remind her how much he loved her.\u00a0 Even better was finding love notes from her tucked in his saddlebags or his jacket pocket.\u00a0 It was like an unexpected kiss.<\/p>\n

But then had come his last note to her, so cold and angry.\u00a0 And hers to him, filled with such pain that he\u2019d only been able to read it once.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t written anything for a long, long time after that.<\/p>\n

Now it was a one-sided conversation.\u00a0 Even so, he wrote every night, carefully stacking the letters on the table as though she might come in and see them.\u00a0 As though there were some way that his words might reach her.<\/p>\n

It was ridiculous.\u00a0 Nonsensical.\u00a0 Yet night after night, he sat at the table, writing to his dead wife about what he thought and how he felt.\u00a0 Sometimes he wrote love letters.\u00a0 Other times, he told her about funny things he\u2019d thought or seen, or just day-to-day life around the ranch.\u00a0 Still other times, he poured out such vitriol, such fury and contempt, that the words fairly seared the page.\u00a0 The first time he wrote such a letter, he woke the next morning with every intention of burning it, but he didn\u2019t.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t sure why, except that he\u2019d been honest and somehow, that meant something.\u00a0 Besides, he told himself, she was beyond being hurt by him.\u00a0 So, he uncrumpled the sheet of paper, smoothed it out, and placed it on the stack with the other pages.<\/p>\n

Night after night, the stack grew.\u00a0 Night after night, he told her everything, the good and the bad, and then he went to bed and dreamed of her answers.<\/p>\n

He licked the tip of the pencil.\u00a0 \u201cDearest Carrie<\/em>,\u201d he began.<\/p>\n

I saw Adam and Hoss today.\u00a0 I guess I expected to at some point, but not this soon.\u00a0 I could tell that Hoss was real disappointed that I wasn’t coming back to the house or at least visiting Pa.\u00a0 I think Adam understood, though.\u00a0 At least, he didn’t start telling me what I should be doing, and you know Adam.\u00a0 If there’s a way to boss me around, he’ll find it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0It feels strange to be here alone after work.\u00a0 You were always here when I came home at night.\u00a0 I’d come in from a long day, and you always looked so happy to see me.\u00a0 Now I wonder how happy you were.\u00a0 Were you really that glad to see me, or did you just want to be?\u00a0 Did you worry all the time about me finding out?\u00a0 Was there ever a time when you just relaxed and enjoyed us being together, or were you always afraid?<\/em><\/p>\n

He paused.\u00a0 Was it just wishful thinking, or was there the slightest breath by his ear, as if she was leaning over his shoulder to see what he was writing?\u00a0 Finally, he continued:<\/p>\n

I hope you weren’t always afraid<\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0I hope there were times when you were happy.\u00a0 I loved you so much.\u00a0 I’d have done anything to make things right.\u00a0 I wish you\u2019d told me the truth right off.\u00a0 I\u2019d still have loved you. I could never not have loved you.\u00a0 You\u2019re in my heart forever.\u00a0 You\u2019re a part of my soul.<\/em><\/p>\n

He closed his eyes.\u00a0 His own words echoed:\u00a0\u00a0You’re in my heart forever.\u00a0 You’re a part of my soul.<\/em>\u00a0 “Was I ever in your heart?” he whispered aloud, and again he felt the shadow of a breath by his ear.<\/p>\n

As if she was whispering something.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>*******<\/p>\n

Ben Cartwright had spent more than thirty years keeping ahead of his sons.\u00a0 He knew, of course, that there had been things he\u2019d missed.\u00a0 For all the times he\u2019d caught Adam reading after bedtime or Hoss tending a sick animal instead of doing homework or Joe sneaking in late, there had undoubtedly been dozens more times that they\u2019d successfully pulled the wool over their pa\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

Still, by this time Ben knew what to look for.\u00a0 And so, when Adam and Hoss were unnaturally talkative over supper, Ben knew that something was up.\u00a0 Hoss kept glancing over at Adam, almost as if for reassurance.\u00a0 For his part, Adam was intent on his meal, the table, his father\u2014in other words, everything except his brother.<\/p>\n

Yes, something was definitely up.<\/p>\n

As his sons chattered, Ben smiled and nodded and listened for clues.\u00a0 The conversation moved from Matt Clausen\u2019s new mare to the social next Saturday to whether they would be outbid by Barney Fuller on that new contract to supply timber for the Diamondhead Mine.\u00a0 Only once did Adam\u2019s eyes cut over to Hoss, and that was when Hoss said that they\u2019d rounded up nearly two dozen stray calves in only four days.<\/p>\n

But why would Adam care if Hoss talked about strays?\u00a0 Could there be something about the calves that wasn\u2019t right?\u00a0 Hoss suddenly looked nervous, as though he\u2019d revealed a secret, but that made no sense.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow many more strays do you figure are out there?\u201d Ben asked, less because he cared than because he wanted to take the temperature of this particular topic.<\/p>\n

\u201cHard to say,\u201d said Adam.\u00a0 \u201cWith any luck, we\u2019ll have all the usual spots checked by week\u2019s end.\u201d\u00a0 He looked downright bored.\u00a0 A sure sign that something was afoot.<\/p>\n

Ben nodded.\u00a0 \u201cLet me know if you need more men.\u201d\u00a0 Hoss\u2019s eyes cut over to Adam, who glared at his brother.\u00a0 Ben laid down his fork.\u00a0 \u201cAll right, you two.\u00a0 What\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d said Adam with a meaningful stare at Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoss?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on?\u201d\u00a0 His middle son was practically squirming.\u00a0 Hoss had always been the weak link in his brothers\u2019 schemes.\u00a0 He just couldn\u2019t bluff worth a damn.<\/p>\n

The big man opened his mouth, but Adam snapped, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut, Adam\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 The elder brother\u2019s glare was so fierce that Ben was startled.\u00a0 He watched as the two brothers held a silent conversation, Hoss pleading and Adam threatening.\u00a0 Finally, Hoss turned to his father.\u00a0 His blue eyes were dark with remorse and regret and something else Ben couldn\u2019t identify.\u00a0 If he\u2019d had to guess, he\u2019d have said it was pity.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Pa, but I can\u2019t tell you,\u201d Hoss said.<\/p>\n

So, there was something to tell.\u00a0 Ben started to speak, but Hoss held up his hand.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t ask, Pa.\u00a0 Please.\u201d\u00a0 His voice sounded sad, but resolute.<\/p>\n

Ben regarded his sons.\u00a0 Whatever was going on, it was serious.\u00a0 \u201cFine,\u201d he said after a minute.\u00a0 \u201cI won\u2019t ask for details, but you boys have to tell me this.\u00a0 Are you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, sir,\u201d said Hoss.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Pa,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

They looked relieved.\u00a0 He\u2019d guessed wrong.\u00a0 But he had to trust them.\u00a0 He had to believe that if there was something he needed to know, they\u2019d tell him.<\/p>\n

He rose from the table and headed to his desk. \u00a0The mail he\u2019d picked up in town lay unopened where he\u2019d left it.\u00a0 He flipped through it slowly, because he already knew what he wouldn\u2019t find.\u00a0 Without looking up from the papers in his hand, he said, \u201cIt\u2019s been a long time since we heard from Little Joe.\u201d\u00a0 He tossed the unopened mail on the desk and reached behind himself for the chair.<\/p>\n

Which was why he didn\u2019t see the guilty looks his sons exchanged.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

The calico package had been sitting in Carrie\u2019s chair for more than three weeks the night Joe decided to open it.\u00a0 He\u2019d picked it up and put it down dozens of times.\u00a0 The night after he encountered Hoss and Adam, he\u2019d dreamed that Carrie was holding the package out as if it was a gift for him.\u00a0 He woke before he could open it, but when he walked into the front room that morning, there it sat as if beckoning him.\u00a0 He was tempted to open it right then, but something inside him didn\u2019t dare.\u00a0 Not now.\u00a0 Not right before he had to ride out and possibly run into his brothers again.<\/p>\n

That evening, as he ate his solitary supper, he watched the package closely, as if it were about to jump up and run around.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t, of course, but that didn\u2019t make its presence any less nerve-wracking.\u00a0 Finally, he pushed his plate away and rose.<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right, let\u2019s see it,\u201d he announced as though someone else were watching.\u00a0 He strode over to the package and picked it up.\u00a0 It was slightly heavier than it looked.\u00a0 He hesitated.\u00a0 Once he opened it, that was it.\u00a0 He would know what it contained, and he could never again not know.\u00a0 His heart pounded.\u00a0 All at once, it was that April morning and he was walking toward the bathhouse, about to push open the door.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo!\u201d he commanded himself.\u00a0 Whatever the package contained, it was nothing compared to what he\u2019d found behind that door.\u00a0 Nothing could hurt him anymore.\u00a0 Defiantly, he pulled at the ribbon that bound the top, and the sprigged cloth fell away.<\/p>\n

That it was a doll was not a surprise; that much he\u2019d half-suspected from his handling of it.\u00a0 What stole his breath was how perfectly the little rag doll resembled Carrie.\u00a0 The same wispy blond hair, big brown eyes, sweet smile.\u00a0 The artist\u2014and the person who had made this clearly was an artist\u2014had even caught her dimples, the one in the right cheek slightly deeper than the one in the left.\u00a0 The dress looked so familiar that he went, doll in hand, to the clothes press where her dresses still hung.\u00a0 Sure enough, her favorite dress\u2014the pink one with the little white flowers\u2014was hanging in front of him, and the same dress, right down to the embroidered collar, was also on the miniature Carrie.\u00a0 Questions swirled through his mind like leaves in an autumn wind.\u00a0 When had she gotten that dress?\u00a0 Had she had it when they met?\u00a0 Had she gotten it since?\u00a0 Had she made it?\u00a0 Because whoever made the doll knew about the dress, made it to match.\u00a0 It must have been Carrie.\u00a0 But when?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Why would she make a doll of herself?\u00a0 For a daughter she would never have?<\/p>\n

Joe couldn\u2019t have said how long he stood in the darkening room, holding the doll.\u00a0 Nor could he have said when the tears started to roll down his cheeks.\u00a0 Eventually, he shuffled back to the front room and sat down in her rocking chair, clutching the doll.<\/p>\n

The next thing he knew, sunlight was edging into the room.\u00a0 He rolled his head to relieve the stiffness in his neck.\u00a0 Hop Sing hadn\u2019t been here; the house was cold.\u00a0 He came only once or twice a week now, just enough to make sure the house was clean and Joe was eating.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t actually said so, but Joe sensed that he disapproved of the fact that Number Three Son hadn\u2019t gone to see his father, hadn\u2019t even let on that he was near.<\/p>\n

The sight of the doll in his lap startled him almost as much as it had the night before.\u00a0 He rose, stretching, and set it on the counter next to the pump.\u00a0 After he\u2019d gone out to the barn to tend the pinto, he came inside to wash.\u00a0 He could almost feel the doll watching him the way Carrie used to when he was shaving.\u00a0 She\u2019d slip up silently behind him and put her arms around his bare torso, kissing the back of his neck.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a mighty handsome man, Mr. Cartwright,\u201d she murmur, and when he turned to her, his face covered in shaving lather, she\u2019d giggle and pretend to squirm away as he held her and kissed her.\u00a0 He smiled, remembering, but his smile faded as he recalled the time he\u2019d tried to get her to go back to bed and she never would.\u00a0 Not in daylight.\u00a0 He never understood it back then.<\/p>\n

He splashed water on his face and groped for the towel.\u00a0 A slight splash surprised him, and he opened his eyes to see the doll lying in the water.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn!\u201d\u00a0 He rescued it, but the dress was wet.\u00a0 Carrie\u2019s dress.\u00a0 Instinctively, he turned the doll over.\u00a0 Unsurprisingly, the doll\u2019s dress had small white buttons down the back, just like Carrie\u2019s.\u00a0 He unbuttoned the dress and removed it, laying it on the table to dry.\u00a0 Then, he picked up the doll and turned it face up, and\u2014<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God!\u201d<\/p>\n

Stitched onto the doll\u2019s torso were two things.\u00a0 A red heart occupied the space on the left side of the chest.\u00a0 But it was the other stitching that made his stomach pitch like a ship at stormy sea.<\/p>\n

The fabric on the doll\u2019s lower abdomen had been slit vertically.\u00a0 The edges of the fabric were held together by a series of small red stitches.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, God.\u00a0 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.\u201d\u00a0 He stumbled to the rocking chair and collapsed into it, clutching the doll.<\/p>\n

So this was how she\u2019d seen herself\u2014a loving heart, but scarred.\u00a0 Even in something as sweet, as innocent as a child\u2019s toy, the scar had permeated her thoughts, demanding its prominence in this image of her.\u00a0 She might know that she was lovely, might even create a likeness that reflected this, but in the end, she could never escape the scar.\u00a0 Everything else about her\u2014her artistry, her humor, her delight in small things, her passion, her love for him, her longing for happily-ever-after\u2014in the end, all of it fell victim to the scar.<\/p>\n

Darkness was falling by the time Joe rose from the chair, but he didn\u2019t hesitate now.\u00a0 He stuffed the doll back into its dress, pulled on his jacket and tucked the doll inside, next to his heart.\u00a0 Then, he headed out to the barn and with grim determination, he saddled his horse.\u00a0 By the light of the rising moon, he rode out in search of the one person who could give him answers.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

Joe noted with satisfaction that when she opened the door and saw him, Ruth Gillam turned pale\u00a0 He touched the brim of his hat.\u00a0 \u201cEvening, Mrs. Gillam.\u00a0 Can I come in?\u201d\u00a0 His tone made it clear that this was no social call.\u00a0 He sounded like a sheriff who has come to arrest a thief.\u00a0 At her uncertain expression, he knew that she heard the same note in his voice.<\/p>\n

The large woman stepped aside to let him enter.\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t know you were back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEdie wrote you that I left.\u201d\u00a0 It was a guess, but a good one:\u00a0 she nodded.\u00a0 \u201cDid she tell you what she gave me?\u201d\u00a0 Before she could answer, he reached into his jacket and took out the doll, holding it up so that she could see its face.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie made this, didn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth Gillam nodded.\u00a0 She led the way into the parlor and gestured for Joe to sit on one end of the settee as she sat on the other.\u00a0 \u201cMay I?\u201d she asked.\u00a0 Without waiting for an answer, she reached over and took the doll.\u00a0 Speaking almost to herself, she said, \u201cShe was so talented.\u00a0 She could have been an artist.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve seen this before.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question, but Ruth nodded.\u00a0 \u201cLook under the skirt,\u201d Joe ordered.\u00a0 The older woman looked startled, but the intensity of his stare convinced her, and she lifted the skirt.\u00a0 She caught her breath, and for a moment, her small eyes glistened.\u00a0 Slowly, she lowered the skirt, smoothing it into place as if to protect the doll\u2019s privacy.\u00a0 Then, she lifted her head and regarded Joe for a long minute.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait here,\u201d she said.\u00a0 She set the doll on the settee between them and left the room. Joe listened to the loud tick of the grandfather clock for what seemed like hours before she returned, her hands full of more dolls.<\/p>\n

\u201cI only sent the one to Edie,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cIt was part of a set.\u201d\u00a0 She set the others on the settee, and this time, it was Joe who caught his breath.<\/p>\n

The first doll was a boy with curly brown hair, green eyes and a green jacket.\u00a0 It wore tan pants and a left-handed holster with a tiny toy gun.<\/p>\n

But it was the other two dolls that forced him to close his eyes.\u00a0 They were much smaller\u2014clearly, children of the larger dolls.\u00a0 One of the dolls, a girl, had brown eyes and a pink dress, but she wore a white pinafore and the wispy blond hair was in pigtails.\u00a0 The other doll was a boy with curly brown hair, green eyes and schoolboy knickers.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe made these when you were courting,\u201d Ruth said.\u00a0 \u201cThis was her dream.\u00a0 More than anything else in the world, this is what she wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe pressed his fist against his mouth.\u00a0 He would not cry.\u00a0 Not here.\u00a0 Not in front of Ruth Gillam.<\/p>\n

But Ruth was still talking.\u00a0 \u201cI was afraid for her,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cCarrie loved you so much, and she was so fragile.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want you to break her heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you told her not to tell me.\u201d\u00a0 His voice refused to go above a whisper.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cI talked to her about it.\u00a0 I said you should know.\u00a0 I told her she\u2019d find out then what kind of boy you were.\u201d\u00a0 She reached over to place one plump hand on Joe\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cI couldn\u2019t imagine you walking away like that other boy did.\u00a0 I was sure you loved her more than that, and if you didn\u2019t, then she deserved to know.\u00a0 But she wouldn\u2019t take the chance.\u00a0 She was terrified of losing you.\u00a0 She loved you so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe forced himself to look straight at her.\u00a0 He had to ask.\u00a0 \u201cThe other time\u2014was that why?\u00a0 Because that boy left?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other time?\u201d\u00a0 Ruth seemed genuinely confused for a few moments.\u00a0 Then, grim comprehension dropped over her like a noose.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cThat was before she even met him.\u00a0 It was after the operation.\u00a0 After Edie told her what the doctor had said.\u201d\u00a0 She sat back, reflecting.\u00a0 \u201cAll Carrie ever wanted was to find a wonderful man and raise a great big family.\u00a0 When she found out she\u2019d never be able to have children, she ran off.\u00a0 Russ found her at the old tree by the edge of town where they did all the hangings.\u00a0 She had the rope up over the branch and was making the loop.\u00a0 A few minutes later, he might have been too late.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI never knew,\u201d Joe whispered.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe thought maybe it was just the shock,\u201d said Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cBut when Jonathan proposed, Edie told her she should tell him.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat advice that turned out to be,\u201d Joe muttered.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was,\u201d said Ruth.\u00a0 \u201cIt kept Carrie from making a dreadful mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd that\u2019s why she wouldn\u2019t tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth sighed.\u00a0 \u201cIf you want my opinion, I don\u2019t think she loved Jonathan Walzer all that much.\u00a0 Certainly she was upset when he broke off the engagement, but any girl would be.\u00a0 But you\u2014you were something else again.\u00a0 You worried me, because I could see she\u2019d fallen in love with you for real, and I was not about to let you break her heart.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you told her to tell me?\u00a0 You figured that would get rid of me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ruth shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cI wanted her to tell you, but not because I thought you\u2019d leave,\u201d she reminded him.\u00a0 \u201cI wanted to protect her.\u00a0 If you knew and you stayed, the two of you could face it together.\u201d\u00a0 She regarded Joe with enormous sadness.\u00a0 \u201cHow did you finally find out?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI walked in on her in the bathhouse, and I saw the scar.\u201d\u00a0 For a searing instant, he could see her again\u2014naked, on her knees, sobbing as she begged his forgiveness.\u00a0 \u201cShe\u2019d talked so much about our children, the family we\u2019d have.\u00a0 She kept saying\u2014\u201d\u00a0 He broke off.\u00a0 When he\u2019d composed himself, he met her eyes.\u00a0 \u201cIt wasn\u2019t that she was barren.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t what got to me.\u00a0 It was the lies.\u201d<\/p>\n

For a long time, they sat in silence.\u00a0 Then, Ruth spoke.\u00a0 \u201cI know it doesn\u2019t help anything, but to her, they weren\u2019t lies.\u00a0 They were dreams.\u00a0 Dreams of the life she wanted more than anything.\u00a0 The two of you, and the family you would have together.\u00a0 That was all she ever wanted, from the day she met you.\u201d\u00a0 A tear trickled down her cheek as she rose.\u00a0 She gestured to the dolls.\u00a0 \u201cYou can have them if you want.\u201d<\/p>\n

Numbly, Joe nodded.\u00a0 As he got to his feet, Ruth left the room, returning with a small sack.\u00a0 She tucked all the dolls into it, the Carrie doll too, and she handed Joe the sack.\u00a0 Then, she surprised him by enfolding him in her soft arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was never able to have children either,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cNeither could Edie.\u00a0 Marianne was the only one of the three of us who ever had a baby.\u00a0 She always said Carrie was our daughter, too.\u201d\u00a0 She kissed Joe\u2019s cheek.\u00a0 \u201cYou made our girl happy\u2014at least, as happy as she could be.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid I?\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n

Ruth nodded.\u00a0 \u201cAs much as anybody ever could,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

His throat felt closed; he couldn\u2019t speak.\u00a0 He touched the brim of his hat and ducked out, clutching the sack that held Carrie\u2019s dreams.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t go out looking for strays the next day or the day after, or the day after that.\u00a0 Daylight crept into the front room each morning, soaring at midday and fading back out as evening approached.\u00a0 Joe sat in Carrie\u2019s rocking chair, studying the four dolls lined up on the table as the sun\u2019s rays landed on each in its turn.<\/p>\n

He imagined Carrie\u2019s face as she stitched them, as she gave shape to her dreams.\u00a0 She would have loved doing this\u2014taking scraps of cloth and thread and turning them into beings with faces and bodies and personalities.\u00a0 He remembered her hands, so delicate and sure as she sewed and knitted, as she kneaded bread and smoothed the quilt on their bed.\u00a0 She scrubbed and swept and straightened, and the work that turned other women old before their time had energized her, delighted her.\u00a0 She\u2019d moved with such grace that she seemed almost to be dancing with the broom.\u00a0 More than once, he\u2019d caught her doing exactly that, and she\u2019d blushed, but she hadn\u2019t stopped.<\/p>\n

Miss Carrie like her house clean.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Miss Carrie good girl.\u00a0 Have much pain, much hurt in heart.\u00a0 Nobody know.<\/em><\/p>\n

Finally, one night he lit the lamp and took out one more piece of paper.\u00a0 He sat at the table, studying each doll in turn.\u00a0 Then, he wrote:<\/p>\n

My beloved Carrie,<\/em><\/p>\n

It was my dream, too.<\/em><\/p>\n

I will always love you.<\/em><\/p>\n

Your husband,<\/em><\/p>\n

Joe<\/em><\/p>\n

Deliberately, he walked to the corner of the counter where the other letters sat.\u00a0 He placed this one on top of the stack.\u00a0 Then, he bundled them with the ribbon that had held the calico package closed.\u00a0 He placed the dolls back in Ruth Gillam\u2019s sack, and\u00a0 then he put in the letters.<\/p>\n

He took the lamp in one hand and the sack in the other and went into the bedroom.\u00a0 Carefully, he set the lamp on the nightstand and the sack on the bed.\u00a0 Then, he went to the clothes press and took out her dresses, smoothing them as he laid them on the bed.\u00a0 He removed her other clothes from the bureau drawer and set them gently beside the dresses.\u00a0 For a moment, he wondered where her shoes were; then, he realized that Nathaniel Greene had probably put them on her.\u00a0 Until that moment, Joe hadn\u2019t remembered that he never saw her in the casket.\u00a0 He looked at the dresses on the bed, but he couldn\u2019t have said which one was missing.\u00a0 Which one she\u2019d been buried in.\u00a0 He wondered briefly who had made the choice.<\/p>\n

He stood still, lost in the memory of that day, that time.\u00a0 Then, he shook his head and knelt to open the small trunk in which they moved her belongings from the Gillams\u2019 home to their own.\u00a0 With infinite care, he folded each garment and laid it in the trunk.\u00a0 He went to the kitchen and took down the yellow curtains with the ribbon border, and he placed those on top of the clothes.\u00a0 He ran his hand over them, smoothing out any wrinkles.\u00a0 Finally, he set the sack of dolls and letters on top of the curtains, took a deep breath, and closed the trunk, fastening its latches.<\/p>\n

He sat on the bed, contemplating the trunk.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know what he would do with it.\u00a0 One day, he would probably take it to Pa\u2019s house and put it in the attic there.\u00a0 Or maybe not.\u00a0 He\u2019d see when the time came.\u00a0 Either way, Pa would understand.<\/p>\n

Pa<\/em>.\u00a0 The word made him smile.<\/p>\n

In the days since he\u2019d encountered Adam and Hoss, Joe had sometimes wondered whether Pa would be angry or hurt that he\u2019d been so close and yet stayed away.\u00a0 After all, everyone else knew he was here.\u00a0 It would only be natural for Pa to want him to come back, at least to visit.\u00a0 And yet somehow, he had complete faith that Pa would understand what he was doing now.\u00a0 Pa wouldn\u2019t hold anything against him.\u00a0 After all, here was a man who had walked this selfsame road not just once, but three times.\u00a0 His had had different curves and hills and dips, but in the ways that mattered most, it was the same.\u00a0 Pa knew that there were no rules for something like this.<\/p>\n

Occasionally, Joe had mused about whether Pa had been angry with his mother for riding that horse.\u00a0 Even though he would never ask, his own soul-searching over these long months made him certain that the answer would be\u00a0yes<\/em>. \u00a0Pa had undoubtedly blamed her for riding the horse, and he\u2019d just as undoubtedly blamed himself for letting her. \u00a0Likely he\u2019d even blamed the horse and the hole it had stepped in. \u00a0Anyone would.\u00a0 It was the simple, human response. \u00a0Casting blame allowed a man to be furious instead of powerless, self-righteous instead of heartbroken, a warrior instead of a victim.\u00a0 Judgment and condemnation, with their hard, unswerving edges, were much simpler than grace, far less painful than mercy, and infinitely easier than forgiveness.<\/p>\n

But there in the night, as he sat on the bed he\u2019d once shared with his wife, Joe could almost hear Pa\u2019s deep voice:\u00a0\u00a0You need to forgive her, Joseph.\u00a0<\/em>Not because forgiving was the simple, human response; far from it.\u00a0 Forgiveness was hard\u2014sometimes the hardest thing in the world.\u00a0 It demanded more courage than riding into a thousand battles. \u00a0The struggle to forgive fully and completely could take months, years, a lifetime.<\/p>\n

The reasons for not forgiving her were legion.\u00a0 No one would have faulted him if he said he couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 Practically everybody would have said that she didn\u2019t deserve to be forgiven.\u00a0 They might well have said the same about him, too.<\/p>\n

Except that forgiveness wasn\u2019t about deserving.<\/p>\n

In the past year, Joe Cartwright had ridden miles upon miles of roads.\u00a0 He wept oceans of tears, and he raged like the fiercest storms.\u00a0 He lashed out in fury, and he remained still as a snowfall.\u00a0 He wrestled with angels and demons alike.\u00a0 He unearthed secrets no man should have to know.\u00a0 His heart had been broken beyond anything he could have imagined.\u00a0 He learned lessons he\u2019d never wanted to learn, and he recalled truths he thought he\u2019d forgotten.<\/p>\n

Now, here he stood, in the wreckage of the life they\u2019d tried to build, to face the most daunting challenge of all.<\/p>\n

Seventy times seven<\/em>.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t even a question.<\/p>\n

He rested his hand on the pillow where she had laid her head.\u00a0 His fingers caressed the hem where she had embroidered their initials.\u00a0 In the quiet of the night, he surrendered at last to what his heart had long known.<\/p>\n

When all was said and done, there was only one reason to forgive her.<\/p>\n

Love<\/em>.<\/p>\n

If you loved, you forgave.\u00a0 It sounded so simple.\u00a0 Maybe for some people, some wrongs, it was.\u00a0 Other times, forgiveness was the destination at the top of the mountain, and climbing that mountain took everything a man had.\u00a0 But if he loved her enough, maybe he could find courage, strength and faith enough to begin.<\/p>\n

\u201cI do,\u201d Joe whispered.\u00a0 \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0 An echo of the words he had said to her so long ago.\u00a0 Now, as then, a promise.<\/p>\n

Pa knew what his youngest son was going through, maybe better than Joe did himself.\u00a0 So Joe rested in the absolute certainty that Pa wouldn\u2019t fault him for needing to be here on his own a while longer.\u00a0 He might be disappointed, but there would be no judgment, no criticism.\u00a0 When Joe finally went back, he\u2019d be welcomed with open arms.<\/p>\n

When.<\/em> \u00a0He smiled slightly.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question any more.\u00a0 It was just a matter of time.\u00a0 The realization felt like a hug.<\/p>\n

Then, something occurred to him.\u00a0 He knelt before the trunk and unsnapped the latches, With far less ceremony than he\u2019d closed it, he opened the trunk and took out the sack.\u00a0 He pulled out the Carrie doll and lifted the pink skirt to examine the scar.\u00a0 Then, he took out the Joe doll\u2014such a happy smile on that one\u2014and then the children, who looked just like them.<\/p>\n

He sat down heavily on the floor as the realization flooded over him.\u00a0 In the only way she could, Carrie had given him children.\u00a0 Here, in her dreams, she defeated the scar and all it meant.\u00a0 She included it\u2014there was no turning back time, no pretending it didn\u2019t exist\u2014but she refused to let it rule these, her creation.\u00a0 In his hands, he held proof of the hope she had cherished even in the face of all that would destroy it.\u00a0 In life, the scar had meant fear and hiding and tragedy, but in the world she had made, love triumphed over the impossible.<\/p>\n

His hands trembled as he replaced the dolls, first the children and then the Joe doll.\u00a0 His rough fingers caressed the Carrie doll once last time.\u00a0 \u201cI will always love you,\u201d he whispered to it.\u00a0 He wanted to say that he forgave her, but that was still somewhere ahead of him, farther up the mountain.\u00a0 He kissed the doll\u2019s pale cheek as gently, as tenderly as he had once kissed his wife.\u00a0 Then, he tucked the doll into the sack, closed the trunk lid, and snapped the latches shut tight.<\/p>\n

*******<\/p>\n

The family was just sitting down to breakfast when the front door opened.\u00a0 All three of them looked around to see who would have just walked in without knocking, but Ben\u2019s heart, suddenly pounding, knew even before his mind did.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Pa,\u201d called Joe as he came around the corner.\u00a0 \u201cLooks like I\u2019m just in time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJoseph!\u201d\u00a0 Ben was on his feet and embracing his son, not even realizing that he still held a piece of toast.\u00a0 \u201cLet me look at you, son.\u201d\u00a0 He held Joe at arm\u2019s length to survey the young man he hadn\u2019t seen in so long, and he felt a small shock.\u00a0 For an instant, it was as though he was looking in a mirror, but a mirror from long ago.\u00a0 Because in his son\u2019s eyes, he saw the same sense of quiet acceptance, of healing, of the redemption of spirit that he\u2019d eventually found three times in his own life.\u00a0 With the slightest furrowing of his brow, he asked, and his son nodded slightly, understanding.<\/p>\n

Ben laid his hand on the young man\u2019s stubbled cheek.\u00a0 The crooked half-grin might have looked the same to most, but a father knew.\u00a0 This was no longer the carefree smile of boyish innocence.\u00a0 It was deeper now, reflecting struggle and searching and anguish and something more.\u00a0 A corner turned.\u00a0 A sunrise glimpsed at the edge of the horizon.\u00a0 A trace of something almost like hope, or forgiveness, or love.\u00a0 The journey had clearly been arduous, and it might never truly be finished, but the young man before him had come far.\u00a0 He would never be the same, but in the depths of his heart, Ben Cartwright knew a deep, abiding certainty that his son would do more than merely survive.\u00a0 He would live, in every sense of the word.\u00a0 And someday, the time would even come when Joseph would love again.\u00a0 Ben\u2019s eyes glistened in gratitude.<\/p>\n

Hoss and Adam were on their feet, thumping their brother\u2019s back and welcoming him.\u00a0 There was something in the manner that gave Ben pause, almost as though they weren\u2019t surprised to see him, but he would deal with that later.\u00a0 Instead, he said to Joe, \u201cYou look good, son.\u00a0 When did you come back?\u201d<\/p>\n

Joe glanced at his brothers.\u00a0 Ever so slightly, Adam nodded.\u00a0 Hoss winked.\u00a0 Joe\u2019s grin widened.\u00a0 He flung his arms around his father so unexpectedly that he almost threw the older man off-balance.\u00a0 But a father\u2019s reflexes are swift, and it took but an instant for Ben to wrap his arms around his son again, holding him tightly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen did I come back?\u201d \u00a0Joe Cartwright whispered.\u00a0 \u201cJust now, Pa.\u00a0 Right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

The End<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Summary:\u00a0\u00a0A devastating tragedy sends Joe on a quest for answers.<\/p>\n

Rated:\u00a0T \u00a0WC \u00a053,000<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":142,"featured_media":4530,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"template-full-width-post.php","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[23,1007,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drama","category-joe-cartwright","category-romance","wpcat-23-id","wpcat-1007-id","wpcat-3-id"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/Quality-of-Mercy-14.jpg?fit=649%2C542&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/142"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4920"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4920\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4530"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bonanzabrand.info\/library\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}